#but. that's literally the only thing she does?? her whole personality is 'special friend of Neku' like. please???

[justauthoring]

jerk [2].

because bakugou katsuki is a jerk but he's also unfortunately your soulmate.

a/n: the LARGELY requested part two! honestly, i'd be willing to write more parts if people wanted :) this part ended up being more about the girls and y/ns friendship but i couldn't help myself - if you guys want some fluff with bakugou for future parts, just let me know!

pairing: bakugou katsuki x f!reader

part one. part three.

“You’re hiding something from us.”

There’s a beat of silence, then another, then another and when finally, you realize you should say something, you blink, sputtering out a barely believable; “no i’m not.”

Mina and Jirou glance at each other, then behind them at the rest of the girls, and you feel a layer of sweat build up when you realize all of your female classmates are here, surrounding you, demanding an answer. And you’ve never really been all that good at lying before, it’s how Bakugou was able to figure out the whole “i’m your soulmate thing” rather quickly and it had only taken him as long as it had because, well, it was Bakugou.

So, to put it bluntly, you’re screwed.

“Come on, Y/N,” Mina laughs, “that wasn’t even remotely believable.”

You know it’s written across your face, your eyes wide and your lips parted and you’re sure you look like quite the picture in that moment surrounded by every single female student in your class, a group of girls you considered your friends but were feeling considerably more like your interrogators in that moment. 

But you have to at least try.

“I’m not hiding anything,” you repeat, this time taking special care to make sure your voice is even and somewhat believable. “I’m just… tired. It’s been throwing my balance off. Sorry guys.”

You really are because you have been weird recently and you were hiding things (even if you were desperate for them not to know that) so the sincerity was there and it seems to be enough because they all glance at each other, frowning, and you can literally see the determination fade as Momo speaks up first.

“You have been leaving to train a lot,” she agrees with a solemn nod. “It’s no wonder you’re so tired. But you should still try to get some rest, don’t push yourself so hard.”

You let out a breath of relief, trying not to let it show as some of the girls shuffle back to walk away, until—

“Wait, that reminds me!”

It’s Jirou who calls it out and you feel yourself freeze.

“She hasn’t been training!”

Eyes widening, you turn to look at Jirou. She’s grinning your way, her figure pointed in your direction, clearly pleased she’d caught you in your lie.

“Jirou,” Uraraka calls out, confused. “What are you–”

“Two nights ago when she left to go training, I followed her, thinking we could train together… she wasn’t there.”

They gasp. Literally gasp.

“Now that you mention it,” Froppy nods, finger held to her chin in thought. “I haven’t actually seen her in the gym very often… nor does she look particularly like a person who’s just trained when she comes back.”

Their eyes fall on you and you take a step back.

“Y/N—”

And then you just run.

-

“I can’t believe she just ran!”

“I know!”

“Guys, I’m sure she had her reasons.”

“Who?”

Mina’s lips are left parted at the sound of Kirishima’s voice, all the girls turning to face him in the living room where he’s sat with the rest of the class.

“Y/N,” Mina explains with a huff, falling into the couch dramatically. “She’s been ditching us constantly and always leaving right after we return from class with some excuse. When we tried to ask her about it today, she lied and then when we caught on to her lie, she ran! Literally just bolting down the hallway before we could even blink.”

Kirishima frowns, glancing over to Denki on his left.

“That doesn’t sound like Y/N,” Deku calls out from across the room, head tilted in curiosity. “Especially to lie to you guys.”

“I know!” Mina calls out, throwing her hands up in exasperation. 

“Like I said,” Uraraka speaks up, trying to remain calm. “I’m sure she has her reasons. Maybe something’s wrong…”

“You think she could be in danger?” Shoto asks, quirking a brow. 

Uraraka shrugs; “I don’t know… I hope not.”

Everyone falls silent, worried expressions plastered on their faces.

“Wait, Kirishima… bro.” Denki calls, reaching to shake Kirishima aggressively, to which the red-haired boy swats his hands away, shaking his head.

“What?”

“Hasn’t Bakubro been disappearing a lot too?”

All the girls straighten out.

Kirishima just shakes his head; “Bakugou is always disappearing. You know he doesn’t like hanging with us a lot.”

“No, Denki’s right,” Sero nods, “even if he isn’t hanging with us, he’s usually in his room or in the gym. Recently, he just completely disappears.”

“I guess you’re right…” Kirishima frowns.

“Wait,” Jirou calls out, “what are you saying? That Bakugou is disappearing with Y/N?”

“That’s crazy,” Mina brushes off. “I’ve never even seen the two talk to each other unless they’re forced to–wait.”

Everyone's eyes snap to hers, wide.

“What?”

“You don’t think… no. It’s not possible.”

“Oh my god,” Denki cries out suddenly, leaning forward with a manic look in his eyes. “Bakubro is hurting Y/N!”

“Wait–”

“No way!” Kirishima calls out, turning to Denki. “Bakugou is a lot of things, but he would never hurt somebody intentionally. Especially not a girl. That’s not manly. Right, Midoriya?”

“Right,” Deku nods confidently, before pausing; “I think?”

“Hey!”

“Guys, no!” Mina cuts in, shaking her hands widely before her. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Okay…” Momo nods, “then what?”

She leans in, pausing for dramatic effect. “He could be… her soulmate!”

There’s silence, then, “no way.”

Mina’s face falls; “why not?”

“Bakugou? Having a soulmate?” Jirou snorts, “I doubt that.”

“Everybody has one!”

“Okay, the odds of him actually caring about his soulmate are slim to none,” Froppy offers in response.

“Yeah,” Deku nods, “I've never once seen Kacchan show interest in his soulmate like… ever.”

Kirishima shakes his head; “even I have to admit that’s so not manly.”

Everyone shuffles around agreements but Mina is quick to argue; “have any of you guys ever seen Bakugou’s soulmate mark?” Slowly, one by one, all glancing at each other, the guys shake their heads. Mina then turns to the girls. “Okay, have any of you ever seen Y/N’s? Cause she’s never shown or told me.”

The girls all shake their heads.

“So how can you really know?” Mina raises a brow, “I mean, Y/N is always so secretive about her mark. She refuses to tell me.”

-

“Bakugou, we have—”

“Katsuki.”

Coming to a sharp halt, lips left parted, you blink up at Bakugou.

With a grin, Bakugou gently shuts your mouth with a hand to your jaw, laughing lightly; “say Katsuki. That’s my name.”

You can feel your cheeks warm, profusely, and a burst of heat flood through you as you pull yourself from his touch, avoiding his gaze. “Katsuki,” you oblige with a huff and a pout. “We have a problem.”

“Yes?” Bakugou asks, raising a brow your way as he lowers the weight’s he’d been lifting.

“The girls are onto us!”

Bakugou just stares down at you. “What does that mean?”

Exasperated at his obliviousness, you huff, stretching your hands out before you for emphasis as you stare up at him, wide-eyed. “They know I’ve been disappearing after class a lot. I tried to tell them I was training, which I guess we usually are but Jirou caught on to that being a lie too and now they’re onto us!”

Bakugou just blinks. “But what do you mean onto us?”

You let out a cry; “Katsuki! They’re gonna know we’re soulmates!”

“So?”

Pressing a hand to your face, you can’t believe your situation. Not only were the girls onto you, they knew you were lying, which made you feel awful and if they found out that you’d been spending all your time with Bakugou… well that was bound to bring up more questions. Questions you wouldn’t be able to avoid. Questions that would ultimately lead to them finding out Bakugou was your soulmate.

A hand gently reaches for your wrists, pulling your hands away from your face as Bakugou crouches to meet your eyes directly. 

“Why is it such a big deal?” He asks gently, an odd tone that you’re still not used to hearing from Bakugou yet. His face remains neutral but there’s patience lingering in his eyes as he waits for you to explain why you’re so upset.

And you do. Your lips part and the words are at the tip of your tongue until, suddenly, you can’t say anything.

Nothing leaves your lips.

“Y/N?”

“I…—”

“You don’t want them to know?”

Blinking, you bite your lip. “It’s not that, it’s just…” But again, you can’t find the words.

“You don’t trust them?”

“Of course I do,” you argue instantly, “they’re my best friends.”

“Okay…” he says slowly, and then his face twists, “are you… embarrassed of me?”

Meeting his gaze, you frown. “...No,” you whisper, and you mean the words.

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I…” Shoulders falling, you frown. “Nothing… I guess.”

“So,” he says, “let them find out!”

Sputtering, you lean back; “it’s not like you’ve told Kirishima or any of the other guys!”

“It’s none of their business,” Bakugou shrugs, letting go of your wrists to set his hand on your head. “But if it makes you feel better, I'll tell them.”

You find yourself silent with disbelief once again, Bakugou’s words echoing in your mind paired with the look in his eyes. Just staring down at you.

Looking at you.

Like you’re his whole world.

-

“I’m sorry.”

They blink at you.

“I’m sorry about running away yesterday.”

Another blink.

“And I'm sorry I’ve been lying to you guys for the past few weeks.”

Slowly, all the girls glance at each other, trying to gauge the situation, before Uraraka is the first to speak up.

“It’s okay,” she assures with a smile, setting her hand on your shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. “We appreciate you apologizing. We were just worried.”

“We wanna make sure you’re okay,” Jirou adds, smiling shyly at you. 

You take a look at all of their faces, seeing the sincerity staring back at you, before settling on Mina who still has a hint of hurt in her eyes but there’s also hope.

Well, here goes nothing.

“Bakugou’s my soulmate.”

Silence echoes, once again, before.

“What?”

“I knew it!”

“Bakugou!?”

There’s a mix of words, gasps of disbelief and shouts of question thrown out at you as all the girls rush towards you, swarming you, desperate for answers.

You laugh a little at their reaction, and that catches their attention.

“Y/N?” Mina asks, confused.

“I’ve been sneaking off to see him,” you explain to her, meeting her gaze, before letting your gaze drift. “I didn’t say anything because I’m still adjusting to it myself and I still don’t know how to feel about it. But I realized it isn’t fair to lie to you guys like that and that I want you guys to know because you matter so much to me.”

“Y/N…” Uraraka mumbles, tears welling in her eyes.

Her expression mimics many of the other girls before suddenly there’s a body slamming against your own, arms wrapping tightly around your waist as you stumble back, trying to catch your footing.

“Oh. My. God!” Mina screams, you wincing at the sheer volume, as she pulls back, grinning brightly at you. “You have to tell us everything!”

-

The next morning, you’re sitting at the island in the kitchen eating breakfast, chatting to Mina, Jirou and Kirishima. The rest of the students trickle by, some making breakfast, some in the living room, all in their own conversations, until suddenly it all stops.

It takes you a moment to realize Kirishima, Mina and Jirou are no longer listening to you, head turned to their right and following their gaze, curious, you blink when you realize it’s Bakugou they’re staring at. It’s not like he’s doing anything particularly odd, nothing except for the fact that his gaze is directed on you and he’s heading straight for you and then suddenly, he’s right in front of you.

His gaze drifts from you, to your plate, back to you; “who made you that?”

“Nobody,” you say slowly, still stunned. “I made it.”

He’s grabbing the plate before you can say anything else, pressing a kiss to your forehead that has your cheeks burning before turning and making his way to the fridge.

“I’ll make you something better,” is all he says in explanation.

Your gaze slowly drifts from him to Mina and Jirou who are grinning widely at you, before there’s the shout of;

“Did Bakubro just kiss Y/N?!”

“And offer to make her breakfast!”

“Wait,” Kirishima suddenly calls after Sero and Denki, turning to Mina and Jirou, “why are two grinning!?”

“All the girls are!” Deku exclaims, pointing at Uraraka and Froppy in front of him.

“You guys knew?”

“Of course,” Mina grins, sending a wink Kirishima’s way before shrugging. “Isn’t that right, Bakugou? You and Y/N are soulmates!”

Everyone expects him to ignore her or tell her to shut up, but instead, he pauses in what he’d been doing (cracking an egg for you), turning his head over his shoulders to meet your gaze before smirking. 

“That’s right.”

And chaos follows.

Utter and complete chaos.

[shockercoco]

Modern Loneliness

Major John Egan x reader

Warnings - little bit of angst, but mostly fluff

Word count - 2159

a/n - this was literally supposed to be posted over a month ago for the ending of MOTA, but I kept writing for Austin lol. Might as well get it out the drafts now. I also basically had to rewrite the whole thing bc wtf was I thinking a month ago. I hope you enjoy :)

The war is finally over, allowing all the soldiers to go home, including the two best friends Buck and Bucky. The only thing holding Bucky back from being completely content about leaving is the fact that he doesn’t have that special someone to go back to.

Buck has Marge, and of course he’s happy for him, but Bucky just wishes had found a girl before he got sent off, someone who would know how he was before the war. Buck would always tell him not to worry and that he would find someone soon, but each time it doesn’t give him any reassurance.

You have been best friends with Marge since college, so when she told you her fiance was coming home you had nothing but joy for her. You had been a huge supporter of their relationship since the beginning, and while Buck was away you were always at her house comforting her for when she cried or just needed a friend. During his absence, Buck would write to you to check in on Marge because you and him both knew Marge would never tell him how she was really doing.

Currently, you are walking out of her front door to go back home when you see a taxi pull up in the driveway. You didn’t think anything of it until you saw Buck exiting the vehicle with his bags in hand. You shout for Marge to come outside, and it doesn’t take long for her to sprint into Buck’s arms after seeing him in the driveway. With a smile, you watched as he held onto her tightly and so lovingly, knowing this is exactly what Marge needed after a bad week. 

Deep down, though, you were wishing you had someone coming home to you, someone whose arms you could run into and kiss you like his life depended on it. When it came to the dating scene you never had much luck, so after a while you just accepted the defeat and gave up, deciding it was better to put your energy towards your career. 

During your girl talks, Marge would always tell you that you would find someone soon, and how perfect of a person you were, but year after year of not finding a relationship was making it hard to believe her. 

A couple days after Buck’s return, Marge invited you over because she was hosting a barbeque for Buck and some of his friends. You tried your best to get out of it, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She also mentioned that Bucky – Buck’s friend from the military who you’ve only heard while reading letters – would be there and that it would be an opportunity for you.

You didn’t find it unusual that she was trying to set you up with someone because this is what she always does, but you just weren’t in the mood to have small talk with a guy who probably wouldn’t find you attractive.

When Buck had invited Bucky – because when are they not together – he turned down the offer, and just like Marge, Buck wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

So, now here you were in Marge’s backyard surrounded by men and their partners. The only people you knew were the hosts, so you sat on the steps of the back porch with Marge beside you. Marge also didn’t know many of the guests given the fact everyone was Buck’s friend from the military, so she kept you company as she watched Buck man the grill with a few other guys beside him.

Bucky was among them, standing right next to his best friend and sipping on a beer as he talked. Every now and again, he would run a hand through his hair to push some of his loose curls, and you couldn’t deny the fact that he was attractive as you found yourself admiring him from a distance.

“Are you going to say something to him?” Marge asked you as she swished around the lemonade in her glass. She had been watching you this whole time as you practically drooled in the direction of the grill.

“Of course not,” you say as you turn your attention back to her, not before glancing around to see if anyone else had caught you staring. 

Thankfully some of the women had formed a little group and were laughing and gossiping amongst themselves, so there was little chance anyone had noticed you.

“And why not?” asked Marge with furrowed brows. “He’s a nice guy, I promise.”

“I’m sure he is, but it’s not like I know what to say. Plus look at him, he’s way out of my league,” you reply as you take a sip of lemonade from your own glass. 

“No he’s not, he’s just like any other guy,” she scoffs followed by a laugh.

“And just like with any other guy, I have nothing to talk about. What do we even have in common? He also just got back from a war camp in Europe, what if I say something that triggers him? 

“You’re overthinking. Just start off with a simple hello, and then go from there. He’s a huge flirt so knowing him he’ll do most of the talking,” she smiles. 

She was always so optimistic about these kinds of things, but you would be too if you were getting married to a guy who basically worships you.

You quickly finish the last of your lemonade before standing up. “I’m going to get a refill,” you mumble as you walk up the steps and into the house. You needed an excuse to get away from the conversation, and to get out of the heat. The sundress you were wearing was cute and gave you airflow, but it also exposed your arms and legs to harsh sun.

You head into the kitchen and open the fridge to take out the pitcher of lemonade Marge had made earlier in the day. After refilling your glass, you thought it was best to linger in the kitchen for a bit longer and decided to grab a plate of fruit out of the fridge to keep you busy.

Just as you jump up on the kitchen counter to get comfortable, you hear the back door opening. Next thing you know, you see Bucky walking into the kitchen, letting out a sigh that seems to be of exhaustion. He flashes you a smile when he notices you, before proceeding to grab another beer out of the fridge.

“You’re Marge’s friend right?” he asks as he shuts the door and turns to face you. 

“Yep,” is all you say before sticking a grape in your mouth.

“I’m John, but everyone calls me Bucky,” he says. He makes direct eye contact as sticks a hand out for you to shake, which you do, before popping the cap off his beer.

“So I’ve heard. I’ve seen your picture in Marge’s letters,” you respond as you focus your attention on the plate in your hands and begin moving some fruit around.

“Oh, yeah? Did I atleast look good in those pictures? Buck never lets me read his letters,” He smirks as he leans against the counter opposite from you.

You almost choke on the piece of fruit you had just placed in your mouth from his statement. You feel your face and ears turning warm so you turn your head and look out the kitchen window to avoid his gaze.

You stop yourself from smiling and cover it by clearing your throat. “Well  you were in a uniform and in black and white, so I couldn’t really tell.” 

“Understandable, black and white photos can be misleading,” he jokes, taking a swig from his bear. There’s a short silence that follows that isn’t completely awkward, but not exactly comfortable to you either. You hope he doesn’t notice.

The silence is interrupted by the back door opening and Marge sticking her head inside. She grins as her eyes flicker between you and Bucky before stopping on you to say, “Are you coming back out or what?”

“In a second, I’m just going to cool off in here for a bit,” you tell her. She gives you a nod before closing the door.

“Not a fan of big gatherings, I take it,” Bucky says once Marge is gone.

“What makes you say that?” you steal a glance at him before looking back out the window.

You smile as you watch Marge join Buck at the grill, making him turn his head to give her a quick kiss.

“I can tell you’re avoiding going back outside, and I don’t blame you. I’m doing the same thing myself,” he answers.

“What are you avoiding?” you finally turn your head to face him.

“Nothing specific really, I’m just not in the mood for conversating and answering people’s questions right now. That doesn’t include you though,” he looks over at you with a small smile. ” I used to love being around people and having fun, but now all I want to do is leave.” 

You watch as Bucky stares at the wall, going distant. His mood seems to have shifted from the one he had when he first stepped foot in the kitchen. “Everything okay?”

Your voice interrupts his thoughts and brings him back to the present. “Yeah, I’m fine…I’m just…I can tell I’m a different person ever since I got back, and I’m not sure I like this version of me.” He sets his beer on the counter and folds his arms, no longer in the mood to drink it. 

“I don’t think anyone expects you to be the same.”

“Well yeah, it’s just the fact that everyone I meet from now on will only know this version of me. They won’t know how different I was before the war, and they won’t understand what I’ve been through. Like Buck has Marge to talk to, and she understands because of the letters he would send her. I don’t have that,” Bucky says before adding, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to dump this all on you.”

You just give him a smile. Even though you will never understand completely what Bucky went through, you do have some grasp on what he’s feeling. To you it’s obvious that he puts on a mask when he’s around people, and won’t let his feelings show unless he’s alone – harboring his emotions.

“I know how close you are with Buck, have you ever told him about how you felt? It always helps to talk to someone.” you tell him.

He shakes his head, “No, I don’t want to bother him. He has his own problems.”

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,” you tell him, but he just shakes his head again. “Well...I know we’ve just met, but you could talk to me. I mean, you just opened up to me in a kitchen within ten minutes of meeting me. I’m obviously a great listener Only if you want to, though,” you end with a hopeful smile.

Bucky finally looks away from the wall to look you in the eye with his eyebrows raised. “Really?” he asks and you nod. “That would be nice.”

And that’s where the bond between the two of you started, and it only continued to grow stronger. You would meet up with him for drinks, lunch, or just for a walk through the park. Bucky would tell you everything, from him joining the military and meeting Buck to what he has experienced throughout the past few years. You could tell that he would get emotional when he brought up certain topics, but he never cried around you, even though you always encouraged him to let his feelings out.

One day when he invited you to dinner, you brought it up to Marge. She quickly got excited and said it was a date, but you just brushed it off and told her it was just another casual meeting. Nonetheless, you still decided to put effort into your appearance – more than you normally do – and once the dinner was over, you realized she was right.

Bucky ended up confessing to you how his feelings for you have grown over the past few weeks. At first you were shocked, but when you realized he was being serious, you admitted that you felt the same way. 

You didn’t care that Bucky thought he was a ruined person with a lot of baggage, everyone has their hardships, after all. Bucky loved how you enjoyed being with him after everything he had told you, and how you accepted him for who he is now.

When you eventually told Marge that you and Bucky were official, she wasn’t surprised at all and brought up how she always said you would find someone. When Bucky had told his best friend, Buck was happy for him and gave Bucky his fair share of I told you so’s.

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

I’M STUCK ON THIS FUCKING PLANET. I’M STUCK ON THIS GODDAMN EARTH.

Tap photo for better quality

That’s right!! I’m talking even more about sinner bodies because I’m CRAZY!!! RAAHHH!! 🤪 SHES SO CRAZY WE CANT TAKE HER ANYWHERE!! 😝 it’s 3 in the morning and I can’t stop thinking about this goddamn TV.

I think Vox is genuinely the most fucked up character in this rewrite currently. Not really morally fucked up, there’s definitely worse people, but physical alterations in hell out of the main cast he definitely has it the worst. In my last post I talked about how Angel formed in hell and I want to go back to this because Vox did not form in hell as a TV or even a robot at all. He got formed on the road after dying in a car crash and was literally just this fucked up clump of wires and metal panels and had gross little robot hands and he had to make everything else himself and wait for his body to adjust to it, so he literally cannot regenerate normally. He didn’t even have a face yet or screen of any kind, just a little camera to see out of. If his screen shatters he needs to get a new one or if his body breaks he needs to get it repaired, thats why he’s able to upgrade his body and stuff.

And like yeah some tech sinners do just form as robots but Vox just is a fucking mess and I think about it all the time and thats why his demon form is all fucked up like that and I think thats partially another reason he hates Alastor’s ideals so much sometimes because hes like “technology bad!” even though he literally is also partially a tech sinner and hes just stupid but like without technological advancements Vox literally would have nothing like they wouldn’t’ve met, Vox would not have a company, etc, etc and thatd probably help a lot of people yeah like the Vees would not fucking exist but ignoring that, just on a personal relationship scale I imagine your “friend” being like “man I really hate the thing that gives you life and allows you to live a somewhat normal existence” hurts a bit.

Technological regeneration is a bit more confusing and hard to explain than biological regeneration since machinery can’t really “heal” in real life. The concept sounds almost bewildering, like you can’t cut a wire and have it slowly heal like skin would, you’d need a whole new wire. But Vox internally, the things that allow him to move and live how he does now, it’s the only part of him that he can heal, and to him, it’s still “defective”.

Vox is disabled mentally and physically; he has Autism, ADHD, and epilepsy, all of which he is unable to be medicated for due to his new body. These are all things that he hates to acknowledge and will become irrationally upset by if they are mentioned to the point he will actively to deny certain aspects of disability. Being a man from the 1900’s-1950’s his views on mental disabilities and mental illnesses are… less than uh.. “acceptable” for today’s standards. He often disregards slurs towards this being called slurs and insists that “They used to just be words” or “It’s a medical diagnosis.” yet still gets incredibly upset when he is ever called a slur that actually could apply to him. In a way he tries to come off as purposely ableist so that he doesn’t have to confront this aspect of himself that he doesn’t understand. His knowledge in technology or sharks or economics aren’t “special interests” to him, they’re just “regular things a man likes”. He can’t process what a hyperfixation is. He doesn’t know that it’s normal for him to be unable to speak on occasion or that certain textures make him severely uncomfortable. These are either seen as weaknesses or “average people things”. Aside from how terribly disabled people were treated back around the 50’s, he views the neurodiverse aspect of his mind as something that only serves to further push him from grasping the feeling of regular humanity again.

For physical disabilities, he doesn’t lie or deny that he has epilepsy, yes he has an intense disdain for mentioning it, but for very few people he is close with he will disclose this information to them privately. There are a very select few people that are aware of this and two of those people are Velvette and Alastor. This post isn’t really about diving into Vox’s epilepsy so I’m keeping this concise because I have another post to put all of that in. Hope you all enjoy the wacky art :)

The binary says “Trust us” for anyone curious

[theerurishipper]

Part 2 of my Paris special commentary (Part 1 here) because Tumblr is an ass and has a word limit.

Disclaimer: This is long asf.

Marinette here playing 5D chess, queen shit.

The most important thing the special confirmed is that Gabe added the word "dark" to his transformation phrase on purpose cause he's a dramatic bitch.

I am here for Claw Noir mocking Gabe. Go off, king.

"Oh nO, iT WAs aN IlLusIon!" That giggle is adorable. She's so cute.

Ladyfly is an ass name, but she looks so great.

Not Gabe getting annoyed at Claw Noir's teasing. See, now this is why we stan Claw Noir on this blog.

Gabe's plan isn't half bad, actually.

Symbolism? In my children's cartoon? It's more likely than you think.

They're having a pun-off.

RIP Chat Noir's ear.

Gabe got feathered lmao

Monarch dipped like a little bitch.

A mirror, I called it. It'll make for some nice symbolism.

"Let alone a calm and gentle mom" I wonder what Sabine is like in their world to make Emonette feel like she's so alone.

I like how they handled the villains tbh. I wasn't a fan of making it seem like Marinette was one step away from becoming a supervillain at all times, but it seems less like that's the case and more like The Supreme took advantage of her suffering and vulnerability at her lowest moments.

It's also nice that they established that Shady and Claw weren't the actual big bads and are just hurt kids who got recruited into a fight they weren't ready for. Their motivation isn't some rehash of Gabriel's, they are literally trying to survive under the rule of someone who will kill them if they don't do his bidding, and because of whom they're dying. Their life is literally full of suffering and they're trying to find something that'll give them a way out. Shady wants Marinette's life, and Claw Noir wants his mother back.

Like, it doesn't excuse their actions, but it does add a more humane element to them that lends itself better to the kind of redemption Miraculous likes to do, which is to fix things with a speech. That's why this redemption works, and Gabe's doesn't.

Anyway.

The back and forth between Chat Noir and Claw Noir was pretty funny ngl.

And we discover that Claw Noir wants his mother back. Of course.

MY POOR BABY

When Marinette was talking about how she was also angry and hurt, but chose to love herself and the world around her and chose to try and fix it... that hit hard. Honestly, it did. It's everything I love about Marinette in one speech. I love it.

And then onto my personal favorite scene in the entire special, possibly in the entire show.

That whole conversation was powerful. "I'm as well as I can be anyway," that's so profound. Like, of course you aren't going to be 100% okay after losing someone you love, but Adrien wants to move on and be happy like his mother would have wanted him to. This scene really showcases Adrien's empathy and his strength, when he acknowledges that having no friends can make it harder for Claw Noir to move on, and then he tells him that only he can make the choice to stop being alone. And that's really true. This scene really showcases everything amazing about Adrien, his hope and optimism, his empathy and his strength. How he finds the strength to keep going by choosing to not be alone. It's beautiful.

Like, it could have been so easy for both Marinette and Adrien to give into their darkest impulses, and Shadybug and Claw Noir really are just representations of how letting your hurt overpower you can lead you down a dark path, and it really highlights their strength, that they choose to make the right choices everyday, despite everything. It really highlights their characters and their arcs. And they're able to take everything they've learned, and look at what they could have been in the eyes and help them change too. It's so poetic.

It would have been a little more impactful if the show had spent more than 10 minutes out of 5 seasons focusing on Adrien's grief and how it has impacted him, but whatever.

Anyway, it also had some Adrien and Nino friendship crumbs, and I'll be darned if I didn't gobble it up like a starved animal. Also, we have confirmation that "Space Mutants vs. Ghost Shark" is Nino's favorite movie, so Nino stans please say "thank you Paris special."

And they are REDEEMED.

Shadybug fixes everything with her Lucky Charm after spending the whole special making destructive ones. My heart.

Shadybug and Claw Noir stop being evil and immediately go from hating each other's guts to flirting shamelessly. They just speedran enemies to lovers in a matter of seconds. They literally just defaulted to flirting. Truly, the natural state of Ladynoir in any universe. We stan.

Gotta be honest, I'm not a fan of the new designs. Wish they had kept the old ones. I'm one of those people whose toxic trait is liking Claw Noir's design, so I'm a little unhappy with it, but hey, it's a sweet scene.

Also, Claw Noir's hair went from the color of rotten bananas to ripe bananas. If that was intentional, I applaud the writers for being both profound and funny as hell.

Aaaaaaand Gabe is back, because we can't have nice things.

The montage going through different realities was great, it was small but I enjoyed it.

They're literally so cute omg. Couple behaviors fr. I'm so obsessed with them.

HUGS

POUND IT

They're holding hands... already... like they're in love... I'm so emotional... I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS

And they're gone. But their adventures will continue forever in my mind and in my fanfics. And in other people's art that I will ravenously consume.

Cute Alya and Marinette scene. This is really sweet, I love the exploration of the impact Alya has had on Marinette's life.

And now, I'm not an Alyanette shipper, but I think they should kis- oh, wait, never mind, they did it.

And thus, the endless night comes to an end (it happened a while ago but that's just semantics).

Final thoughts

I really loved this so much. Sure, there were some exposition dumps that probably should have happened in the actual series, but that's not the fault of this special. This is probably my bias talking but this is the best special and it's literally perfect, no I will not take any constructive criticism on that. This, this special and everything in it, this is what Miraculous is all about. This is exactly what I wanted, this is what I signed up for. It's literally the best thing ever to come out of this entire show.

[adobolover123]

bakusquad when they’re on instagram (headcannons!)

——————————————————————

bakugo’s instagram:

-doesn’t post a lot on instagram, but when he does OHMYGODDDJ

-he would post mirror selfies of him flexing with songs attatched. (maybe it’s just the camera angle but his arms r HUGE ASFFF—)

-does he post bakusquad? tbh rarely. bc of his big ahh ego. but since he’s getting better and warming up to them he’ll repost his friend’s posts if he’s tagged in them (hangouts, workout posts)

-he only posts stories

-his username is probably something corny as hell, like: 

king.explosionmurder , kb_explosionmurder , imbetterthanyou, LMAOO

or something else like that 😭

-omg. and if ur lucky enough to get on his close friends story, (from time to time,) he’ll post himself lip syncing to audios. DONT EVEN GET ME STARYEDDD

-he knows he’s attractive. like literally post more please.

-only thing on his acc is one highlight of himself.

-his pfp? mirror selfie covering his face 🤷‍♀️

kirishima’s instagram:

-omg y’all this cutie and his instagram.

-most-if not ALL of his stories are selfies with his friends, and he most DEFINITELY has a weekly dump of them.

-his selfies with them r mostly him and his friends working out, but he’ll post even the little selfies like them at lunch. 

-he WILL go on a story spam when the baku squad hangs out. 

-he’ll post his workout progress on his story fs 

-let’s be real he’ll post those motivational quotes

-his username would be his hero name or his regular name with his bday numbers 🤷‍♀️ (redriot1016, e.kirishima1016, )

-his main posts are kinda a pattern; himself, then his friends, then himself again.

-when he posts on main posts of his friends he would attach funny ass videos of them, and dumb challenges the bakusquad would do with each other

-his two main highlights r himself and his friends ofc, but he would have a highlight for each hangout to make it extra special ☹️

kaminari’s instagram:

-out of the whole bakusquad, denki and mina are the most active.

-i think we all know how he would be like fr 

-he is definitely that person who reposts EVERYTHING HE SEES ON HIS FEED; REELS, POSTS, MEMES,

— he spams his stories ( he made a gc on insta with the rest of the squad that are MAINLY him spamming them with reels; bakugo kept leaving it but kaminari keeps inviting him back in)

-but waitwaitwait; be careful skipping through his stories bc he WILL post some FINE ass selfies of himself for the hoes

-he also won’t hesitate to post himself lip syncing to songs on his public story

-like kirishima, he posts his friends a lot!

-he’ll post on his story with those add-ons that have to do with friends and he’ll make a mini collage of his squad :)))

-his username?… it’s probably one of those “theyluv___” “theyfw___” type shi 😭

-kaminari. has. a. lot. of. main posts.

-but they come out hella good; he prolly searches up “instagram post ideas” on pinterest

-his pinned post was when he had a whole photoshoot in a parking lot garage which funny story:

(the bakusquad decided to hang out at the mall, and they arrived at the parking lot garage. mina brought up how it was a good place to take pictures here and denki RAN with that. next thing yk;

bakugo was pissed asf waiting for them sitting down on the ground,

jirou was being denki’s photo critic,

sero was helping kirishima get the angles right,

and mina was showing denki what poses he should do. they were there for an hour. )

-he complains how his acc isn’t getting seen but he forgot that he put his acc on private

ashido’s instagram:

-second most active on instagram

-SHE HAS THAT HOT GIRL ACC FR

-she posts a lot, but her three pinned posts are: selfies of herself, a photoshoot of herself, and one of those cool hot photoshoots with the squad

-her highlights are: “💋” (herself) , “🔛🔝” (bakusquad)”, “my loves” (class 1A girls)

-her username is probably “iheart___” or something simple like “minaa_a”

-she posts herself a lot on her story AND EATS IT UP EVERYTIMEEE

-and she posts her friends on her story as equally as she posts herself ♡

-she posts a LOT on her close friends, she posts memes but mainly funny videos and pictures of the squad. including funny gc screenshots

-when her friends post she’ll repost them like 3 times, and spam/hype them up in the comments 🤗

jirou’s instagram:

-this girl got the whole themed instagram acc quickly.

-she only uses instagram to be up to date with music artists so she doesn’t care abt posting

-her username would probably just be her name or something like: “j_kyoka”

-but she does have one main post, and it’s a guitar she got for her birthday 🤗

-she posts reels of her doing all sorts of song covers with different instruments LIKE AHHHH

-her covers get a lot of attention, denki asks her how he could get attention on his acc

-since her acc got a lot of public attention (she’s thinking abt making another one just for song covers) everyone in class 1A is on her close friends so she could post stuff she’d like to keep a little private; like her friends, hangouts

-on her public story she would repost concert tour dates, music artists posts, stuff like that.

-she would post screenshots of songs she’s listening to on her public story

-sadly she doesn’t post herself—unless it’s a selfie of her getting a new instrument or something lol

-there was this one time she posted a cute selfie of herself in her cfs on accident, and denki and mina hyped her up sm fr ☹️

mina:

“YESSS”

“POST MORE 🗣️🗣️”

denki:

“OHMYOGF”

“U POSTED”

“OKAY JIRO I SEE YOUU”

jirou:

“sthu”

-she has a public highlight for covers, and her cf highlights are her friends !

-she doesn’t ask to take that much pictures with them, she usually reposts her friends stories when she’s tagged in them

-but she loves recording denki being stupid lol, she also has a cf highlight of that

sero’s instagram:

-almost like a bakusquad fan acc

-he’s like in the middle of jirou and denki when it comes to posting on his story

-he’ll repost memes, but not as much

-he posts sky pictures just bc 🤗 he has a highlight for them

-he doesn’t post himself ☹️😒 unless it’s a selfie with the squad

-in fact, he has a lot of main posts of JUST him and the bakusquad; he’s also the cameraman

-but he mainly takes pictures and videos a lot with denki, their pictures are funny ASF

-instead of just one highlight of the whole squad, he has a silly highlight for each of them!!

-funny videos, funny pictures, funny screenshots of things they said, you name it

-he also has a highlight for tiktoks the squad do together it’s so funny and cute

-his feed is everywhere tbh; a mix of memes and the squad

-his username is probably a meme quote or something like “notserohanta” 💀

———————————————————————

notes: (i wrote this at like 12am srry if it’s sloppy) those are my head cannons! i rlly don’t know wht to write for a fic anymore lol. i hope you enjoyed though!!

have a good day loves ♡

[rin-fukuroi]

Hello! Could I request Dan Heng with an s/o who enjoys cooking and baking for the express (e.g. Himeko always get fancy cakes alongside her coffee, March gets super cute donuts, and even Pom Pom gets rabbit-shaped crackers, etc) but she always makes something extra special for Dan Heng?

Hi!

I was a little late, but I was glad to write this sweet request for you. I may have deviated a little from what you asked for, but I hope you'll like it ( ‾́ ◡ ‾́ )

𝐂𝐮𝐩𝐜𝐚𝐤𝐞! [𝐃𝐚𝐧 𝐇𝐞𝐧𝐠]

Please do not translate or publish my works without my permission.

The originals of my works can be read here

Fandom: Honkai: Star Rail

Pairings: Dan Heng x fem!reader

Warnings: none, just fluff.

Note: English is not my native language, so I apologize if there are errors in the text qq

God, I always feel like I'm so bad at writing fluff, but for some reason I keep doing it. In any case, even in a pool of debauchery and yandere, sometimes there must be something sweet, right? ( ´ ꒳ ` )

As soon as you had a few free hours, the carriages of the Astral Express were filled with the captivating aroma of a wide variety of pastries.

Once you received a pleasant compliment from Himeko, when you couldn't stand the disgusting taste of her coffee anymore and made chocolate cookies for it to save your taste buds a little, when she kindly offered to treat you to it again, you decided that it would be nice to pamper the other Nameless with something delicious. First, a batch of donuts for March 7, then air pancakes for Pom-Pom, and there was not far for a whole cake to thank Mr. Welt after he helped you out on one of the missions.

It's always so nice for you to see your friends' faces stretch into smiles as soon as your sweet pastries touch their tongues. But there was one person you always wanted to do something special for.…

Dan Heng always refused when others suggested that he try something from your cooking. Although it might seem from the outside that he doesn't like sweets or even disdains to eat food cooked by you (it's so hard to understand his real feelings when his face literally doesn't express any emotions), but in fact he just didn't think that he deserved to try something that wasn't prepared for him. No, no, don't think that he is so arrogant that he can only eat what is made especially for him. Rather, it is another manifestation of his modesty, which he hardly ever admits to.

But you never took offense at it, as if you caught the direction of his thoughts. To cook for him separately the same thing that you cook for other passengers on the Atral Express would be quite simple, however… It's Dan Heng.

Probably, the more you tried to hide your feelings towards him, the more your attitude towards Dan Heng looked like you were simply avoiding him. It's so childish, but there's nothing you can do about how you get nervous in his presence, funny stumbling over words or even uttering complete nonsense, making the rest of your friends feel awkward.

And it should have stopped today.

You'll have the courage, you'll do it. You're going to take a step that should put an end to this annoying awkwardness between you.

You've been up all night knowing that none of you have anything to do today, which means you'll have plenty of time to pursue your newfound hobby. What would he like? Cookies, waffles, maybe candy? Tossing and turning in your bed all night, you still haven't come to full agreement with yourself, but what does it even matter? As a kind of artist, inspiration should guide you in the right direction, so you decided.

March 7 and Caelus looked anxiously at your concentrated figure, which has been diligently trying to cook something in the kitchen for several hours, every time they passed by and heard your dissatisfied grumbling, but they collectively decided to just leave you alone with yourself and your creative process.

Batch after batch of failed pastries were sent to the trash (although they could hardly be called unsuccessful, but there is no limit to perfection). You desperately tried to achieve the perfect balance of taste and appearance of your cooking, but failed time after time, until finally you grunted, looking at another result of your hard efforts, deciding that now it seems you are relatively satisfied.

You nervously shift from one foot to the other, standing at the door behind which Dan Heng's room is located. Your heart literally jumps in your chest until you decide to knock, but then you take a deep breath, taking in more air into your lungs, before finally hesitantly hitting your friend's door with your knuckles twice softly.

— Dan Heng, it's me!

— Come in, — you hear a quiet, indifferent voice on the other side and exhale, slowly opening the door.

— Just so you know, «it's me» doesn't give me any information about who's standing behind the door.

You roll your eyes.

— But you recognized my voice, didn't you?

— Lucky for you.

You move closer to Dan Heng, who is sitting on the bed with a book, ignoring his displeased grumbling.

That's all.

An awkward silence hangs between you, and the man finally looks up from his book, looking up at you.

— Did you want something?

«So, you have to say it confidently… Pull yourself together, it's just Dan Heng…»

You take a deep breath again, closing your eyes, as if trying to concentrate before the fight, causing an even greater misunderstanding of what is happening in the sitting man.

— Cupcake! — you abruptly hand to Dan Heng the most perfect cupcake you've got. A cupcake is neatly wrapped with a small piece of parchment, and on top is a cap of mint cream, framed with a sprinkle of yellow tiny moons.

«Oh shit, that's not what I wanted to say at all!»

Dan Heng just stares at the pastry in your hand for a few seconds before looking up at you with a puzzled look.

— A cupcake?

— C-cupcake… — your outstretched hand begins to tremble. — This is… This is for you! I made it for you.

«God, why are you such a fool?»

Dan Heng's turquoise eyes narrow in disbelief before he accepts your gift anyway, carefully leaving it on the shelf above his head.

— Thanks.

— You're not going to eat it? — you pout, twisting the fingers of your hands behind your back.

— Later, — Dan Heng replied shortly before returning back to reading his book.

You wanted to say something hurtful to him before you left, absolutely furious at his stoically indifferent behavior, but you just snort, throwing a short «you're welcome» before leaving his room.

Dan Heng looks up at the door, noticing how it closes after your figure has left his field of vision. The man sighs, putting down the book before taking your gift from the shelf. The cupcake looks literally perfect, and Dan Heng just twirls it in his hand, looking at it from all sides.

— And you really want me to eat this? — the corners of the man's lips lift slightly as he chuckles softly to himself before taking a small bite of dessert.

Although at first glance it might seem that the cupcake is very sweet, there is a slight sourness in it, which balances the taste and doesn't make the sweetness cloying. The cream is so airy that it literally melts on the tongue of Dan Heng, and the little moons of glaze crunch pleasantly in your mouth.

— Delicious…

[themattress]

Untitled Kairi Post

Y'know what? In a way, Kairi was tragically doomed as a character from the very beginning.

"Oh, because she was a love interest and damsel in distress!"

No. Myths, fairy tales and, well, Disney movies have used those tropes for ages, and if you're doing a story where a huge point is the influence of those things, it's kind of a given that the leading lady be a love interest and damsel in distress. And the writing is smart enough to put a twist on the trope given that Kairi's distress is much less than it appeared to be because she's Sora's love interest and he's her's, and after Sora saves her she saves him right back.

"Oh, because she wasn't a playable character or party member!"

No. It would have been nice to have the playable puzzle solving-based Kairi sequence they initially planned at Hollow Bastion, but I can understand why it was removed given how it would slow down the pace following what is perhaps the signature sequence of the game. And in any case it doesn't have any bearing on how things went for the rest of the series, given that Riku also was not a playable character or party member (he just had a crappy AI when pretending to help you fight Parasite Cage all so that he could kidnap Pinocchio).

"Oh, because she was stuck in a coma the whole game!"

NO! God damn it, how much must the game beat the point into your stupid head!?

And who could forget?

Stop laughing right now.

Kairi. Not just "her heart". KAIRI. Since the heart = the person.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, it exposes some serious sexism if one goes with the "Kairi was in a coma" line for KH1 and yet says "Ventus was inside of Sora" post BBS, since it's literally the exact same situation except that Kairi was always awake within Sora's heart as opposed to Ventus only waking up at the end of 3D. It's why Sora felt things regarding Hollow Bastion, why he experienced the memory of Kairi and her grandfather, and why he saw and heard Kairi multiple times. He wasn't hallucinating; that was always really her.

So, enough beating around the bush. What did I actually mean, then?

Well....let's start at the beginning.

Kairi's arc in the original Kingdom Hearts is not just told through the writing. Utilizing a video game as a visual/audible medium, it is also told through animation, voicework and music. During her introductory cutscene, we see Kairi asked by Sora if she remembers the world she was born in before being sent to Destiny Islands. "I told you before. I don't remember." She answers this sincerely. "Nothing at all?" Sora responds. That's when we see this detail.

"Nothing." Kairi is lying. She doesn't remember everything given the trauma caused by being forced out of her old home, but she does remember just enough to understand why it was traumatic. She had a comfortable life there, and a family. She was happy. And then it was all gone in an instant. Now, on Destiny Islands, she is similarly content ("Well, I'm happy here.") and fears risking that same loss. And yet a small part of her still yearns for the past. She loved what she can recall of her past, as she loves her present. She fears only the future.

Riku's fixation on his existential woes and the mysteries of the universe, while also putting her up on some sort of pedestal like she's something special, is not helping at all. Something about it feels wrong to Kairi...wrong and uncomfortably familiar. It's making her very anxious.

But Kairi has someone to lean on and help her keep up an optimistic, cheerful front, perhaps enough to talk herself into believing it: Sora. And during this scene, we hear the track "Kairi I":

This track reflects Kairi's character in this moment. While there is a subtle undercurrent of worry, her heart is strong enough to not let it get to her and look on the bright side as she looks out to the sun setting over the ocean. With Sora's reassurance, she is able to feel as though her home and friends won't change or go away no matter what happens on her, Sora and Riku's planned voyage, which allows her to feel anticipation for it. All finally feels right.

Of course, things were not right, and Kairi ended up in heart form as her body and soul were lost to darkness along with Destiny Islands. From Kairi's POV, she is now in the Station of Awakening (aka Dive to the Heart) and can do little but watch Sora's adventures as she can see them through his eyes, not fully putting it together why she can and where she truly is.

In the scene at Merlin's House, we get to hear "Kairi II".

While it's similar to "Kairi I", there is now a more somber and mysterious feel to it given the present circumstances. While she doesn't know if Sora can hear her, Kairi wistfully waxes nostalgic over how Merlin's House reminds her of the Secret Place on Destiny Islands. And while Kairi feels sad over missing that place, she's also happy that there are places like it elsewhere in the universe. She's clearly learning as much from Sora's journey as Sora is.

Finally, we hear "Kairi III" in the flashback with little Kairi and her grandmother.

And while it starts out reflecting Kairi's childhood innocence, it ends up turning...almost sad. The reason why being one of the most overlooked details of the scene: at the end of the grandmother's story, she disappears, and little Kairi is shown moving her head all around looking for her. This isn't actually part of the memory, but a reflection of Kairi's heart. She knows that she had a grandmother and that her grandmother isn't here anymore, but she can't remember how her grandmother "left". But she at least still exists...within her heart.

Speaking of which, once Kairi's heart returns to her body and Sora loses his heart in the process, Kairi puts her foot down. She may have learned how to better deal with and accept change and loss, but a line still has to be drawn somewhere and Sora is that line for her.

Thus is she able to save him. Later, we see her worry about the future and things changing again when she questions whether anything can be the same between her, Sora and Riku again after the corruption Riku had underwent. Once again, Sora boosts her optimism.

More importantly, he helps her learn, as he does, that even when separated you can take strength in keeping your loved ones (metaphorically) in your heart, and that even if things change and Kairi is cut off from the people and things she loves, they will always exist within her heart, just as with her grandmother and the story she told her about light and darkness.

This is why, in the end, Kairi is able to let Sora go and yet still feel content.

From "Hikari" (JP):

I'll stop doing pointless things like thinking about the future. Today I'll eat delicious things. The future is always before us, Even if I don't know it.

From "Simple and Clean" (EN):

 Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all.  Nothing's like before.

This is a really good, really well done character arc.

It's also a very human character arc.

Yes, there are a lot of fantastical things going on, but when you put all of that aside, what are you left with? A young girl moves away from her old home and everything that she ever knew and loved, which gives her anxiety about the same thing happening with the new home and everything that she's come to know and love from it, which now includes a certain boy. She fears the future; she fears change. In the end, she ends up staying in her new home - but the boy moves away! However, through her time spent with him she's learned to accept this because he'll always be a part of her heart, which is something that won't ever change.

When put that way, it sounds positively mundane, and by and large the KH fandom - and Tetsuya Nomura himself for that matter - don't want or like mundane stuff like that. They want the crazy, the overdramatic, the angsty, the flashy, the anime tropeyness they're familiar with. This is why they were unreceptive to Kairi's arc to the fullest degree, as in many of them are literally unaware it even happened because they were too busy fixating on the archetypal Japanese media-style dick measuring contest between Sora and Riku (which is also far deeper than they tend to give it credit for, btw, but I digress). And if that's the case, then the question gets raised: why bother focusing on or expanding Kairi at all? She doesn't "sell".

THIS is why Kairi was doomed from the start. It's not her fault. But it's sadly the truth.

[sprite-writes]

failed romantics

Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Reader (original female character)

Summary: Secrets can’t be kept forever, and what better time to reveal them than the Enterprise night shift.

Word Count: 5,902

A/N: yay another chapter!! I have been so excited to write this one since I started this series, I hope you all like it. As always very special thanks to @lightning-writes without them these chapters would literally never get finished LOL immediately after finishing this plz go check out their bucky series; good heart (faulty machine of a man) it kills me in the best way. anyways, thank you for reading plz like + comment if you enjoyed :)

Leonard can only barely make out Kirk’s face under the dim bulb, but he is pissed enough that Jim’s mug is the last thing he wants to see. The music is loud, so goddamn loud , loud enough that the whiskey did nothing for his headache. 

“This is not what I had in mind when you said you knew a place,” he yells over the music, staring down the side of Kirk's face. 

“What?” the captain calls back, still oblivious to Leonard's scowl. Kirk is absent, completely distracted by the crowd, more specifically the women . His gaze filters from person to person as they pass by the table, a dumb smile on his face the entire time. If steam could come out of Leonard’s ears, it would. 

“I said this isn't what I had in mind for tonight.” He reaches across the table and firmly flicks his friend’s temple. 

“Hey! What's your problem?” Kirk whines. Leonard is satisfied to have gotten his attention—finally. 

“You said you knew a nice place– you said it was a bar!” 

“Yeah and? This is both of those things!” 

“This is a goddamned petri dish!” 

It is. Leonard has refused to even allow his bare skin to touch the tabletop, weary of the unknown sticky substances covering it. There are so many bodies— human and otherwise— packed into the space, it's suffocating, and certainly a fire hazard. It's gross, downright unsanitary, and fucking loud.  

“You’re dramatic, Bones, it's nice enough. Loosen up! Maybe try to meet somebody. We’re only in Yorktown for a day, y’know?” 

Tipsy Kirk is a fucking idiot. 

Leonard recoils at the idea. The captain has gained this…habit lately. This advice-giving habit where he tells Leonard to relax, to get out there, to get laid, and every time it passes through Kirk's lips, Leonard becomes nauseous. He abhors this subject, he really does. The only thing he hates talking about more than his dating life is why he doesn’t have one. Sure, he hasn't had much of one since the divorce anyway, but whatever he did have quickly reduced to nothing after meeting Sunshine. He feels so childish even mulling his thoughts over, and how it feels pointless to consider any other woman interesting since he has already met Sunshine, who is the most interesting. Interesting and pretty. Interesting and pretty and kind. He shakes his head before he starts down his mental list (again). Somedays, it feels like his feelings will swallow him whole. It has been so long since he felt it, the wanting . Wanting to talk to her all the time, or hold her hand, or just be around her. It all makes him feel so juvenile, like he’s a lovesick teenager. She makes him feel like a lovesick teenager. It is the single most frustrating thing he’d ever experienced.

“I don't wanna associate with anyone who willingly steps foot inside this shithole,” he snaps, “C’mon man, let's go.” Kirk protests, of course, even more so as Leonard grabs him by the ear and pulls him up from the chair. He tells himself he’s doing Kirk a favor, that the last thing he needs is a hookup— that he’s certainly not taking out his frustrations on his friend. 

The pair weave through the bodies, with Kirk stumbling after his friend and out the door. The cool breeze hits them like a breath of fresh air, and Leonard takes it in. Kirk, on the other hand, furiously rubs his reddened ear. 

“What the hell was that for? Are you out to get me tonight?” 

Leonard feels a quick pang of sympathy, regretting lashing out. 

“Look, I’m sorry, but that place had me sweating like a damn sinner in church, there’s other bars, and it's getting late anyways–”

Kirk would usually push it, and Leonard could tell he wants to, which makes him all the more thankful he doesn’t.  

“Fine, fine, whatever but we are drinking when we get back to the ship,” he settles, leading the way home. 

Yorktown is cold and downright industrial. Leonard hates it. He would usually be thankful for a pit stop if it means he can feel non-artificial gravity, but, between the dirty club and Kirk’s antagonizing, he’s ready to be spacebound again. Both the Enterprise and the USS Endeavor are in Yorktown for the night, in the process of a personnel transfer. The streets are crawling with Starfleet members.

They walk in silence for most of the way, observing the larger-than-life city and the star crafts buzzing overhead. Leonard would be lying if he said he doesn’t feel a bit empty.  Perhaps the low-lit, music-blaring monstrosity would have felt more tolerable if a certain lieutenant was with him and not stuck with the enterprise night crew. 

“You know, I wouldn’t have even known that place existed if it wasn’t for Sunny,” Kirk laughs. Leonard scrunches his nose. 

“She recommended that barnyard?” he scoffs. 

“Oh god no, she told me to stay away from it. Said it was the grimiest place on this side of the universe. I just thought it sounded like a good time, y’know?” 

Leonard stares, really stares, and wonders why he keeps expecting better of Kirk. 

“You’re an idiot, and an ass. The woman gives you stellar advice, and you ignore it, and stick her with the skeleton crew.” 

Kirk stops so abruptly, that Leonard stumbles over him. 

“ I didn’t put her on the skeleton crew, she requested to be. You think I would make her work more than she already does? I’m not a tyrant, Bones.” 

What?  

“What?” Leonard says out loud. “Why would she ask to be holed up on the enterprise all leave?” 

“I mean, I would too if the alternative was running into my ex and all his coworkers.” 

Kirk laughs, Leonard’s head spins. 

“Her ex?” 

“Yeah her— she didn’t tell you any of this?” 

“She said she wanted Jameson to oversee the transfer, give him more experience or something, so you put her on his night shift.” 

“No? She wanted Jameson to do it because she used to be engaged to the Endeavors head of security.” 

Leonard blinks. And blinks again. 

“Dude, I don’t even know how to change the schedule,” Kirk adds. 

 Suddenly, despite talking to her everyday for close to a year, she feels unfamiliar. Engaged? He can hardly imagine it, nor does he want to. Pictures of Sunshine flash through his mind, and he clenches his fist. 

“Didn’t know she had been engaged,” he feigns a casual tone.

Kirk furrows his brows. 

“ You didn’t know? You of all people?” Leonard shrugs, as his stomach forms a knot. “She tells you everything, and she’s never mentioned Ryder?”

“Christ, his name is Ryder ?”

“I know! Douchebag name, right?” 

He doesn’t respond for a beat, which turns into several beats. The gears in his head turn and turn. Engaged . He doesn’t understand why the idea eats at him. He himself had been married for years. So what if she was engaged? There is no reason for him to be upset that his friend—a coworker–had an ex. 

He feels nauseous. 

Kirk clears his throat, derailing Leonard's train of thought.

“You’re right, it’s late, we should head back,” he says, offering a reassuring smile. Leonard follows him, hands in his pockets.

“Do y’know what happened?” he asks finally. Kirk casts him a sideways glance.

“What, between them? Not a clue,” Kirk says with sincerity enough for Leonard to believe it. “She wasn’t really keen on discussing it.” He pauses and looks at the ground as they walk. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it though, Bones, I think everyone sees she’s only really got eyes for one person these days.” 

“Don't start, Jim,” Leonard warns hotly, clenching his jaw. 

“Start what? I’m not starting anything. I’m just laying out the facts.” Jim hiccups. “She adores you, man, like adores -”

“Sunshine ‘adores’ everyone she meets. We’re friends—good friends, but that's all.” His patience shrinks as his annoyance grows.

Jim laughs mirthlessly.

“No, Sunshine and I are good friends. Whatever you two are is something else entirely-” 

“Anyone ever tell you you don't know when to shut up?” His tone is as cold as the night air, and Jim shuts up.

Leonard wishes Kirk would drop the subject, trip over a rock, or whatever it took to never have this conversation again. Really—what he truly wants is for everyone to stop dangling this hope in front of his face like a carrot. He’s not an idiot, he knows he spends more time with the lieutenant than his colleagues, hears her laugh more often, and knows her habits better.

 He knows what it looks like. He also knows that he's a bitter emotionally closed-off divorcee— 

He tells Jim that Sunshine is his friend because she is—and he denies wanting anything more because It's stupid to want things out of his reach. 

Frustration heats his cheeks and begins to bloom into a headache. He knows Kirk means well, but that fact does little to comfort him. 

“Alright, I’ll drop it,” Kirk surrenders, his voice soft. “But there is one last thing you should know,” He pauses at the crosswalk and turns to Leonard. Eerily stoic, his mouth pressed into a thin line. Leonard's breath hitched. 

“Ryder’s got nothing on you in terms of looks, okay? Seriously he's like, 5’7, and his face isn't at all symmetrical-”

Leonard revs up and smacks Kirk in the back of the head harder than he ever had and feels no regret. Not even after Kirk's high-pitched “ Ouch!”

“Would you quit it! You gossip like a damn schoolgirl!”

The sign blinks at them to walk, and Leonard drags Kirk across the street, fingers digging into his arm. 

“Ow, ow, I was just saying-“

“Wait a minute,” Leonard lets his friend go and smooths down his sleeve. “How do you know what he looks like anyway?” 

Kirk puts himself at a safe distance from the Doctor, cradling his arm. “Well, the operations manager would usually talk to the department heads during a transfer, but Sunshine passed him off to me. I said no at first, obviously, because I hate managing, but then she finally told me she was almost Mrs. Ryder Denver. So yeah, I spoke with him a few times, just business. Have to say though, I couldn't imagine them together. He comes off as a bit of a douche.” 

Leonard breathes deeply, reigning in the emotions that he doesn’t need Kirk to pick up on. The idea of Sunshine being engaged does enough to unsettle him without knowing that the man in question “ came off as a douche” . He feels something boil under the surface. 

“Yeah?” is all he can strangle out. 

“Yeah—He’s like a classic douchey security buff,” Kirk continues, unaware of his friend's white knuckles. “You know the kind– uptight, condescending, has one earring and thinks it's edgy-”

“Wears their uniform a size too small? Yeah, I know the type.” 

“Exactly, and Sunshine is so…so-”

“Heart-of-gold?” 

“Yeah! Opposites attract I guess, but I don't know, something was off.” 

To Leonard, the entire thing is off. All of it. Everything . He doesn’t understand why Sunshine decided he doesn’t get to know, why it is a secret in the first place, why she almost married a douche, why he cares so damn much . 

The enterprise comes into view like the sun on the horizon, and Leonard is relieved . 

“Your arm’s all right?” Leonard asks, an apology without apologizing. Jim knows this and breathes a laugh. 

“Yup, the ear’s fine too.” 

The Doctor nods, but his eyes remain trained in front of him. Through the glass window panes, he eyes the ship, eager to hide away in the familiar place. He would have opened the door for Kirk, as a gesture, but of course, the Yorktown Federation Port has to have automatic doors. He huffs, and the artificial lights illuminate his red cheeks. They approach their home in silent tandem, their shoes clinking against the hard floors. 

“You should talk to her, Bones,” Kirk breaks the quiet, head down while he taps the access code to the enterprise hull. “Ask her why she didn't mention the ex. I’m sure she has a good reason, probably one you'll wanna hear.” 

Leonard wants to be mean. He wants to shake Kirk's words off with an insult and go to bed. But he swallows his pride, and it goes down like nails.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

Hope. It bubbles up within his chest, and he pushes it down. Finally, the stark white enterprise interior greets him. He breathes a little easier. 

Kirk stumbles over the first step— “ Woah ”-- and Leonard steadies him with a raised eyebrow. “Andorian ale finally catching up with you?” 

“Pfft,” Kirk scoffs. “Couldn’t catch me if it tried.” 

Leonard pauses, then laughs, the first genuine one all night, and it has Kirk grinning back. 

The enterprise is empty, its residents still on the streets they just returned from. So, without restraint, they laugh, and Kirk stumbles, and Leonard forgets for a moment about the unsaid feelings under his skin. 

Kirk is an idiot, and he’s a good friend.  

He’s happy to banter about whatever comes out of Kirk's drunk mouth and to correct him when he takes a wrong turn in his own ship. Leonard claps his hand on his shoulder and drawls, “It’s this way, captain .”

“Uhh, no , Chekov keeps the good whiskey in his locker, this way,” Kirk insists with a point down the hallway, and Leonard is amazed at his eagerness to get blacked out the night before embarking. 

“Are you out of your mind? No way. You can drink like a fish when you don't need to fly a starship in the morning.” 

“What are you, my mom ?” 

Christ.

“No, but I pity the poor woman,” he huffs and gestures down the hallway leading to his quarters. Kirk frowns and scrunches his nose.

“Raincheck, Kirk, c’mon.” 

He begrudgingly obliges, having given his friend a hard enough time tonight anyway. The yawn that crawls out of his mouth a moment later corroborates Leonard's decision. He is tired, and Kirk shouldn't drink anymore, but he’d be lying if he said those were his only motives to end the night early.

“You win this one, Bones, but next time I swear we'll be out till sunrise,” he says between another yawn and a hiccup. 

“Uh-huh. Try not to trip.” Leonard reminds himself of the virtue of patience and keeps walking. 

Kirk manages to type in his room's access code all by himself, with only a moment of squinting, and a break to roll up the black sleeves of his turtleneck. Leonard is impressed, and the bar is low. 

“Drink a bottle of water, and get some sleep, We’ll talk tomorrow.” he crosses his arms over his chest and waits for protest. 

Kirk only hums. “You headed to your room?”

 The doctor's fingers drum against the doorframe. “Was thinking I’d check in on Sunshine,” he says, blinks, and rushes out, “and the rest of the Skeleton crew, of course.  Maybe medbay too, then I’ll hit the hay.” He fleetingly wonders if that sounds believable, or at least casual. 

 Kirk smiles a genuine smile. “Sounds like a good plan, Bones. See ya in the morning, and tell her I said hi .” Before he can react, his friend waves, and the door slides shut. Then, he’s alone in the hallways, and he has to put his money where his mouth is. 

Shit . 

The way to the bridge feels daunting now, like climbing Everest. Like climbing Everest with the shittiest rope ever. Like climbing Everest with the shittiest rope ever, several pounds of emotional baggage, and a Starfleet captain breathing down his neck.  He considers just going to bed, pretending he never even mentioned the whole thing. Maybe even pretend he doesn't care to get answers. He can just leave it be. 

The desire to see her trumps all of it. 

The halls are deserted, which he’s thankful for. He doesn’t need anyone around to watch him squirm in the elevator. A deep breath, a punch of the open elevator button and—

“I told you I don't have any threes! Go fish, again .” 

He sees the back of the captain's chair first, then Starfleet-issued black boots hanging off of it. The whoosh of the door draws the attention of the room to him. Eyes sweep through the vaguely familiar faces of the night crew, all six staring at him like they are waiting for an explanation, which he doesn’t really have. The heeled black boots plant themselves on the ground, the captain's seat swivels around. His heart works double time. 

“ Leonard ? Hi! What are you doing here?” 

Sunshine’s got a hand of cards between her pointer and her thumb, and a sweatshirt pulled over her uniform dress, and it distracts Leonard for longer than it should. He clears his throat, and it shakes loose the feelings stuck there. 

“Just thought I'd check in on our hard working night crew, who is surely on task.” He descends the bridge steps. 

“Well, then, you'll be happy to hear that I am, in fact, glancing at my station every 20 minutes, and I’m the undefeated go-fish champion.” 

She waves the cards at herself like a fan, legs crossed and smile wide. 

“Undefeated, huh? Glad to see your talents going to good use.” Her smile gets a bit brighter, and she does a quick breathy laugh with her nose. For a moment there's quiet, and Leonard begins scrambling for a way to ask her the thing he wants to ask her. The bridge is crowded, for a skeleton crew, he thinks. The redshirt to Sunshine’s left breaks the silence before he can. 

“I’m not sure if I’d call it talent…I’m pretty sure she's cheating,” they grumble, and Sunshine doesn't spare a moment, whipping the chair around. He can almost see the panic fill her eyes, like she’s just been accused of a heinous crime. 

“I’m not! Are you still thinking about that last round? Because that was—”  

Even Leonard winces a bit at her shrill tone, and he’s pretty sure she just woke the navigator who had fallen asleep at his station, so he claps his hands on her shoulders. 

“Sounds to me like this card game has you wound like a spring,” he interrupts her before her voice jostles anyone else awake. 

She pouts, lip jutted out and everything. 

“Let's go for a walk,” he suggests. He doesn’t even let his nerves talk him out of it. She looks at him curiously, her eyebrows drawn. 

“I dunno, I probably shouldn’t leave…” 

“I’m sure someone else can deal cards while you’re gone,” he tells her, already offering his arm. 

The Ensign, Leonard still doesn’t know their name, waves her off. “Go, Lieutenant, It's fine. I’m sure we can handle a few minutes without you.” 

She bites her lip and cautiously loops her arm around his, leaving the captain's chair to her subordinate. 

“Alright, but don’t start a new game without me,” she warns lightly. 

Leonard doesn’t get nervous with her arm looped around his, really he doesn’t. He’s headfirst into this thing now, no room for nerves. 

She drinks her whiskey neat, he learns, and it surprises him. Surprises him even more when she downs it like a shot. 

The walk there had been quiet mostly, except for when Sunshine regaled the stories of her card game wins. 

“Did you have a nice time with Kirk?” she asks politely.

“I dunno if I’d say that, but maybe Jim would disagree.” 

She laughs lightly, and her finger traces the lip of the whiskey glass. He doesn’t know if it’s the best idea, but he refills her cup. 

There is a beat of silence, and the conversation with Kirk pushes to the front of his thoughts. There's a heaviness on the tip of his tongue, the desire to ask why . Without really knowing how to. 

“Wish I could’ve gone with you guys,” she says, her gaze downcast. There's a rare melancholy to her tone, something vulnerable woven into it. 

“You could’ve,” he tells her, and her eyes pull from the table.

“I had--”

“Yeah, I know what you– I just mean–I’m sure Kirk would have given you the night off if you asked… God knows he owes you enough favors.” 

“I guess,” she shrugs, “it wasn’t really the best night for it, though.” 

He could go along with her lame excuse, vaguely agreeing that, yeah, there will be other nights. But the ache to know what exactly goes on in her pretty head has words tumbling out of his mouth. 

“Yeah, Kirk mentioned somethin’ like that,” he mumbles, nerves permeating the sentence. 

“...what?” 

Shit.

“I mean, he may have-”

“What exactly did he mention?” Her tone holds a sharp undercurrent of something rare for Sunshine– anger.

Leonard runs a hand down his face, suddenly thinking of all the much more tactful ways he could have begun this. The gentle buzz of alcohol still in his bloodstream keeps him from panicking. 

“Nothing terrible, just that there was someone in town you wouldn’t wanna see.”

“As if ,” she scoffs. “Kirk’s never been that vague in his life.” 

“…fair enough.” 

She groans miserably, fitfully pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands and burying her face in the fabric. 

“You were not supposed to find out like this,” she says, muffled. 

“And how was I supposed to find out?” He asks quietly, like the question will frighten her away. 

A sniffle comes from behind her hands–the sound tugs at his heart. 

“ I don't know. Maybe someone could have told you when I’m dead and then we’d never have to have this conversation.” 

He reaches for her slowly, taking her wrists in a gentle hold and pulling them away from her face, revealing her reddened nose and watery eyes. Her hands are cold, and grow stiff under his touch. 

“Sunshine. It's an ex , not a damn intergalactic scandal. There are worse conversations to have,” he reasons. 

“You don't get it,” she tells him matter-of-factly, pulling her hands from his touch. Embarrassment quickly heats his body, and he wipes his palms on his pants. 

“I’d get it a lot more if you talked about it.” He flexes his jaw, frustration bleeding into his voice. 

She narrows her eyes, punctuating her glare with a sniffle. 

“If I wanted to talk about it, I would’ve.”

“With Kirk? Because he seems to get it.” 

“Why are you acting so—”

“Concerned? Oh, I dunno because you’re my friend?” Exasperation colors his tone.

“I was gonna say entitled,” she grits out. Her anger comes out half-heartedly, sounding more like watery sadness than anything. “I don't tell you everything, and I don't have to. You’re not my-” She sighs. “Why does it matter? I was engaged for like, a year, and now, I’m not.” 

You’re not my–

Her half sentence sticks in his mind and sends blood rushing to his head. He thinks of all the things that he is to her: a colleague, a doctor, a friend. All the things he isn’t feels like a gaping hole. 

He watches her clench her fists and force her tears back. 

“It matters because it upsets you enough to work the night shift,” he sighs, the anger he’s been holding seeps out of his hands like water. “I’m not pressing you for the latest gossip, Sunny. I’m asking because it would be lousy of me not to.” 

She says nothing, taking in his words. 

“I’m no stranger to this stuff, y’know,” he prods her gently. “My ex-wife sent me running all the way to space .” He says lightly, and the corners of her mouth twitch up briefly.

“He didn't send me running, I sent him,” she confesses, shaking her head. 

“ You ?” 

“Me. The thing is,” she shrugs, “it should have worked, y’know? Like on paper, it was perfect. Ryder and I were academy sweethearts, liked all the same shit, were top of our classes, blah, blah, blah.” She rolls her eyes. “Our friends used to tease us, say that it wasn't fair, and we were too in love.”

“Sounds nice.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” she says, sighing. Her eyes drift nowhere in particular. “It didn’t feel nice after a while though. It felt suffocating. I was half a person with him, we were Ryder and Sunshine–and that was one entity.” Her tears dry on her lashes, as she becomes entrenched in the memory. 

“But the person we were wasn’t me . Because he never thought my jokes were funny, or my hobbies were interesting or my friends were cool, so I was willing to throw them all out. Eventually all that was left was him. His ideas, his wants, his needs. I was backed into a corner. I should’ve left when I realized but I loved him… and I was really scared of being alone.” 

She pushes her hair behind her ears and lets out a shaky breath. 

“I was a coward, and I couldn’t leave. I wanted to try and fix it, figure out who I was, and then maybe Ryder could love that person,” She shakes her head. “I was naive. Ryder always wanted someone I couldn’t be. Someone quieter or someone better at being a person. I’m always so all over the place you know? Too much for him.”

“You’re not–”

“It's okay, Len, you don't have to say anything.” she says, meeting his eyes again, taming the budding fire in his heart. 

The idea of Sunshine being anything but completely herself unnerves him. Her jokes are funny, he can’t recall ever laughing as much before she boarded the enterprise. Her ramblings about xenobotany and classic earth songs never fail to catch his attention, even when he barely knows what she's talking about. Being around Sunshine is as easy as breathing, and he’s starting to need it as much too. 

“Anyways, he proposed our senior year, like we weren’t a sinking ship, and I said yes and pretended like the ring wasn’t a last-ditch attempt to bring us back to life.” 

Her teeth sink into her lip, her eyes dragging to her lap.

“I don't know what it was, but one night I just…broke. I couldn’t keep pretending to be someone I wasn’t, or beg to be loved.”

A few tears slide down her cheeks, she scrubs them away with her sleeve.

Leonard wants to tell her that she should never have to beg for anything in the first place, least of all love; he wants to tell her that she's worthy just the way she is. His fingers twitch with the desire to take her by the shoulders and tell her over and over that she’s perfect, that she couldn’t be too much if she tried. Sunshine has always had a magnetic pull to her, drawing in everyone she meets with her warmth. The idea of anyone taking that away from her pulls his heartstrings tight enough to snap. He holds back his anger, refraining from telling her that Ryder is an asshole who didn’t deserve a second of her time. 

The wiser part of him knows that's not what he needs.

“We had planned to be on the USS Endeavor together, but I rescinded my application. I signed up to do on-planet research instead. I wrote a long letter, left it on our bed, packed up my things, and left.” 

She coughs in a way that he knows is covering up a sob and takes a deep breath. The sound sends a pang of emotion through him.

“It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. We were engaged, for Christ's sake, and I couldn’t even look him in the eye when I left him. And don’t even get me started on the fallout. We had all the same friends, and our families were so close… it was all so humiliating . Everyone expected us to live happily ever after, and then, there I was, giving him back his ring in a coffee shop.”  

She knocks back the rest of her drink, like a consolation prize for getting all the words out. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Len. I never wanted you to think of me like that, as someone who would do that.” 

“ Sweetheart ,” he says like a plea, calling her attention. “No one in their right mind would think differently of you for leaving something that wasn’t good for you– or at least they shouldn’t.” 

She's shaking her head before he finishes his sentence. 

“But I–”

“I know. You didn’t go about it the way you maybe should’ve– or the way you wanted to. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you any less… good.”

She hiccups, her chest rising and falling rapidly as another stream of tears drips down her cheeks. He can't help himself – and even if he could, he doesn’t want to – he brings both hands to her cheeks, wiping away the salty tears. 

“It's alright,” he says gently, swiping his thumb under her eye again. “You’re alright.”

She nods, breaths finally evening out, and his hands reluctantly fall back onto his lap. 

He remembers well the storm of feelings his divorce left him with. The gulit, the lonliness, feeling like the world was ending. 

“I get it, y’know. The shitty relationship, becoming somebody you don't wanna be,” the barstool squeaks as he leans on the counter. He hasn't talked about his marriage since he told the story to Kirk years ago. It feels odd to tell it again. 

“My ex and I met in college, fell head over heels, and I proposed a year later. I thought… well, we both thought we were soulmates. There was this connection between us that I’d never felt before, and I thought this must be it.” 

“After a year ?” she gawks. He casts her a sideways glance and chuckles. 

“A perfect year, mind you. Not a single disagreement, not a bad date– every day was straight out of a damn love story or something. Until we got hitched, that is. Then it was all disagreements.”

 He anxiously taps a rhythm on the bar top. The memory still burns him now, of the fiery conflict, of the sleepless nights. 

“We were the same in all the worst ways, stubborn, headstrong, prideful. We couldn't settle an argument to save our lives. It probably didn't help that I was in the middle of residency and pulling 100-hour weeks. It was miserable. I hardly recognized myself… I know I don’t have the best temper, but I never wanted to be an angry person.” 

He lets out a slow breath, “I was mad as hell when she called it quits, said a lot of stuff I regret. But she was right to do it. We brought out the worst in each other, I was just too narrow-minded to see it. All this to say, I’m sure I would have taken the night shift to avoid her too.” 

Sunshine rests a comforting hand on his shoulder, her thumb pressing circles into the muscle. 

“I’m sorry, Len.”

He leans into her touch without thinking about it. “These things happen,” he tells her decidedly. “When something’s not right, there's nothing you can do to change that. You do the best you can with where you’re at, that's all.” He pictures himself, young and full of fire, holding onto something that had already slipped away. “Which you did, Sunshine. I know it’s hard to see now, but I promise it gets easier.”

When he drags his gaze from the mahogany bar top back to Sunshine, she's watching him curiously. 

“What am I supposed to see?”

“That you were young, and scared, and you did what you needed to for yourself. Even if it's not shit you’re proud of, it makes you who you are. You learn, and it makes you better.” 

She says nothing, silently considering his words for several moments. “Well, it better get easier soon, because it sucks .” 

He chuckles, “That it does.” 

 She reaches right past him and grabs the half-empty bottle of whiskey.

“We should toast,” she says, the melancholy in her voice fading away, probably tucked back behind a wall. “To failed marriages.” 

She’s already refilling their glasses and lifting hers to bump with his. 

“Thought you ducked out on the whole wedding thing?” he teases. 

“Fine then, to failed romantics,” she impatiently shakes the ice in her glass, “Just do it.” 

He knocks his glass with hers and agrees, “To failed romantics, and night shifts, and all the other shitty stuff.”

Her face pinches as she finishes her drink. Gingerly, she takes both of their glasses and stacks them behind the bar. 

Like ripping a bandage off and letting the wound breathe, Leonard feels lighter. As Sunshine hops off the bar stool and straightens her uniform skirt, he can see on her face that she does too. 

“Thank you for the drink, and the talk, Len,” she says, and he waves her off. 

“Don't mention it.” 

“ Totally gonna mention it,” she grins, “and when the schedule suddenly gives you two days off in a row, you’ll know why.” 

He laughs, and shakes his head, “I don’t think that's allowed, Lieutenant.” 

“I have my ways,” she says innocently, as she saunters to the door. 

He watches her go, everything she’s told him still buzzing in his head. He can hardly make sense of everything he’s feeling at once, but there's one thought that sticks out among the rest, that sits on his chest, demanding to be heard. 

“Sunshine?” he calls before she’s gone, giving into his relentless mind.

“Yeah?”

When she turns around, he’s flooded with everything he’s ever wanted to tell her. How she has seeped into every part of his life since he met her, despite his once armored heart. How she doesn’t see it, but she's changed the entire atmosphere of the bridge, pouring life into it with her energy. How she's taught him how to be a better friend, a better man, even a better doctor. How she’s not too much, she's everything. 

 “You should know, you’re never too much, that's ridiculous. Anyone on this ship would agree in a heartbeat. Don’t know what I’d– what we’d do without you,” he rushes out. “I hope you never think you need to be anything other than who you are.”

She goes still in the door frame and observes him for a moment. He flounders in her silence, wondering if he should have just kept his mouth shut. She suddenly moves from the doorway, quickly striding towards him, the sound of her boots clacking on the floor. He has no time to react before she gently places her hand on his chest. She wastes no time, leaning down and pressing a warm kiss to his cheek. 

“Thank you,” she says meaningfully, searching his eyes for a brief moment before she turns heel again. She’s out the door without him even mustering up a word to say. 

His skin heats where her lips had touched him, a crackling feeling left in their place. He lifts his fingers to the skin, ghosting over the sticky remnants of her lipgloss. 

He sits, dumbfounded, knowing he’s gone somewhere there's no coming back from.     

[hjellacott]

Bit worried about Ashlyn Harris actually

Aside from all the drama that's been going on lately, I've got to confess that for the past few months (or years?) I've been wondering what the hell is up with this woman.

I was such a huge fan back when she was just this Satellite Beach goalkeeper with a humble head and the love for skate-boarding and surfing and you know, family & friends first and her work with To Write Love on Her Arms. And I get people change and that none of us ever really knew her, but I've seen I'm not the only one who can't believe what she's turned into. Like, can we recognise her any more? Or was the completely playing out to be an entirely different person ten years ago?

I think it started when she came out with Ali and suddenly she was like, this attention-seeking, uncomfortably loud (as in literally screaming) person with the weird, rather cringey fashion, only talking about gay things and nothing else, behaving like the complete soccer start that to be entirely fair she wasn't... Even on her wedding video I couldn't believe that Ashlyn was the same Ashlyn of 2011, 2012, 2013... It's not even that many years to change so much, let alone in your thirties. It's like there were no remnants of the surfer, the skate-boarder, the humble butch from a small town who valued the little things... Like she was adamant on transforming into this massively public, loud, "fashionable (?)" celebrity. Even when giving interviews she was expressing herself like she had no intellect any more, you know like male footballers speak, like it's all looks and no brain, no sign of the person who got a uni degree and who gave an amazing mental health talk with TWLOHA years back.

And then when they were celebrating the WC, I was thinking, since when is she this loud and arrogant? Since when is she so attention-seeking? When did she turn into this whole other person who makes such a huge effort to ignore her lack of National Team performances and pretend like she deserved her world cup as much as Ali or Pinoe? I get subs deserve the medal and all too, I mean, they made it so far and if they weren't there training with the rest, the rest wouldn't be as good. You're only as good as the worst of you, after all. But none of the others was bragging so loudly and calling themselves x2 champions so much without having played a minute of those games, were they? Even Alyssa Naeher doesn't have world cup champion in her profiles, nor does AD Franch, nor PINOE, but you know who does? Hope Solo. And you don't want to have THAT personality. I feel like when you're confident on your victories, you don't need to brag, everyone knows who you are, your work speaks for itself.

What worries me about AH (sit down here comes my Psychology Grad analysis) is that in the past few years she's been more and more behaving like someone with no self-esteem, who's desperately afraid of being forgotten and needing to shout left and right look at me! i'm a champion! I'm a soccer star! And then she stopped getting called up for the USWNT, got stuck in the Pride (and I love them but bunch of losers tbh), and all she had left was Ali. And then Ali's doing better than she is. And then Ashlyn gets these horrible injuries and that's story of her life (injuries effed her up from day 1 and seriously impacted her career) and she's forced into an abrupt retirement with no glory.

And then emerges this Ashlyn who only cares about rubbing elbows with celebs, who believes herself to be some fashion mogul (that's all she's got left) and who is deeply satisfied with how her life turned out to be and how she's ended up being nothing but a footnote in the history of American women's soccer, specially compared to her wife. We know they've had issues for a while, that has been hinted at before, and I can only imagine there must've been a growing resentment/bitterness towards Ali because she gets everything Ashlyn won't in terms of soccer. In fact it seems to me (and maybe it's just me), that she seems to be ferociously resentful to soccer in general, like, suddenly she wants nothing to do with it and wants to pretend like soccer is not a big deal. How many times as she stated quite firmly that she's now happiest she's ever been and acted almost as if soccer was actually holding her back? as if her soccer career is nothing compared with what she has now, when we know it isn't true, because she still feels the need to remind us she's a twice world cup champion all the time?

So from a psychology point of view I think she's very bitter, very hurt, very pissed off, very resentful, that she hasn't processed her forced retirement and her not so good soccer career in a healthy way, and so she has to pretend like she's super happy and better than she was before so as not to look like the failure she feels she is. She has to use social media all the time and brag about the celebrities she's meeting, the trips she's going in... She's got nothing else but to pretend she's still as successful as all her friends she has to constantly see in social media showing off with the accomplishments she wishes she had. It's the classic game of getting depressed comparing yourself to others so you take to social media to constantly pretend you're as good as them or better, we all do it. And she's gone, in my humble opinion, off the rails, she's unrecognaisable, and if she has really had an affair and hurt Ali this big, as rumours have it, then that only strengthens my opinion. Like, I wouldn't be surprised if she's abusing substances again, if she's in some spiral downhill as it looks like. And what's Ali going to do? She can't focus on looking after her, she's got work, she's got two small kids, at this age Ashlyn needs to see she needs help and seek it on her own, not expect Ali to mother her.

That's part of why I really don't like people going on and insulting her left and right, because we really don't know what's going on, but to me it seems like when someone's not well, when someone's spiralling, they start to really go off and the first people to get hurt are those closest to her. And we must remember she is a human being, even if she makes mistakes, even if she does bad things (IF she has), and she doesn't deserve billions of people judging her and making her life miserable. And none of us would like it in our consciences if she actually is struggling with her mental health and gets worse because of generalised mass bullying. She's still Sloane and Ocean's mother, and they probably love her very much, and Ali's probably struggling a lot, so we need to remember supporting one person does not have to mean stooping so low as to have to become horrible bullies. Let's stay human, y'all.

[crxzytogether]

Lol I wanna address this even tho nobody asked because I’m mad. Like ship whoever you want as yk this person said but leave it out of our tag-💀 my problems more with the fact that they tagged byler for this post than what they said but yk since they tagged us might as well respond.

Firstly, “ideas planted by your community”? Huh? Girl what- you mean our evidence? You mean our analysis and perceptions and ability to interpret what we’re watching beyond surface level? And honestly after season 4 even surface level melodramas not looking too good- Secondly, what harsh truths were brought up? The lies? Your perception of montauk? which idk sounds a lot like mike and wills relationship to me but to each their own… “they’ve been together since pretty much day one”, “they have a deep connection”, “four seasons of character development”?? Do I even need to explain? Who’s been together since day one? Right mike and will, in the beginning of episode 1 before any of the upside down shit even happens we’re shown that their relationship is different from their relationship with the other party members. A fact that’s proven time and time again throughout season 1 where we see how much more Mike is affected by Will’s disappearance(not tryna negate everybody else’s feelings or reactions but it’s clear that we’re supposed to notice Mike cares slightly more or in a different way). As for the deep connections? Season 2 shed scene ring a bell, the first one of Mike’s monologue that’s an attempt to help someone he cares about that actually works and is completely honest, deep connection boom. And that connections emphasized again in s4 with Will being able to encourage Mike and make him feel better and we already know why it’s special on Will’s side and their whole plot-line that season. Next, “four seasons of character development” im sorry what?, season 1 and season 3 maybe are the only seasons I’d consider they had that meanwhile season 4 I’d say they had character regression because tell me how Mike goes from being able to comfort El about her feeling like she’s a monster but then does a 180 not only unable to comfort her but also make her feel worse-(I’m talking about she didn’t look fine in case you didn’t catch that). Back to s1/s3, s1 where they were friends for the most part is the healthiest their relationship has ever been the entire show- like😭😭it literally just goes downhill from there. Season 2/season 3 their codependency I’m- and season 4 El feeling like she has to lie to Mike about her life and Mike unable to comfort her and also hiding his own interests from her. Like sure the bullying thing I get why she’d hide that maybe not really but El lies about so many things😭😭 she feels like she has to lie to keep up the relationship. THAT 👏 IS 👏 NOT 👏 HEALTHY 👏. Like maybe after they’ve both grown separately I’d consider it but as of now? No sir. Also let me remind you how El confronted Angela and asked her to help El keep up the pretence- SHE STILL DIDN’T FEEL SAFE OR COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TELL MIKE THE TRUTH. That’s not healthy for either of them. My byler agenda aside I still don’t think Mike and El should be together. Lastly, “the fact that Mileven IS endgame”, again I’m sorry what? Have you watched season 5? Have you read the scripts or been on set or talked to anybody working on st5 or work on st5 yourself? No? So then how is that a fact- it’s a prediction, an assumption but it’s not a fact. If after season 5 comes out and it did end up becoming true then you could use that phrase but as of now when you have no idea how season 5 is gonna go you can’t call that a fact. Also rip how are you so confident when Mike and Will are literally attached at the hip so far from what we have seen besides the rooftop convo and if that is enough to convince you then yikes- bc we’ve got like 10 of those to convince us so good luck watching season 5 and have a good day ig

[oscconfessions]

my distaste for the new ii ep comes from how annoying it made everyone be about taco, the ep was good but yeah i just realized that. anyway.

listen. I think that Taco CAN become a better person. I think that she CAN be able to move on and that she needs to let go of II as a whole. But that doesn't mean that all of her actions are immediately erased/forgiven either. Like the whole point of the episode is to show that Taco KNOWS that she's a terrible person, but like, being aware of it doesn't erase all the harm she did. And Taco KNOWS that herself. She says that she can't let go, and she DOESN'T want to get better either. That's the whole thing. She doesn't want to get better because she thinks she can't get better. And like. Listen

BOTH take aways from the episode are like genuinely horrid. "Taco should make up with Mic and Pickle" nope! She wouldn't! And she can't! She literally can't! She died from the stress the idea of confronting them caused her, and she doesn't want to because she's aware of how much pain she caused. Mic leaving made her realize she was terrible. "Taco is an irredimable monster" ALSO no. Listen. Taco isn't doing anything to become better. Blah blah blah "her arc is not done yet" we know shut up. My point is that Taco is aware that she's a terrible person and her whole song is about her having pity for herself instead of working on being better. MEPAD is the one who's pushing her to do those things, but that's because he's only aware of like, half of the context and doesn't know Mic's and Pickle's sides. Does this mean she's irredemable? Not really. Yeah she did a lot of harm on purpose and recognizing that WON'T kill any of you. And calling out the fucked up shit she did won't kill you either nor does make you a woman hater, everyone calls out shitty stuff characters do all the time, I am impressed that the "evil woman enjoyers" are so adamandant on saying that the evil woman isn't actually fucked up??? However. I don't think Taco is irredemable AND this comes from someone who very openly dislikes her. I GENUINELY want Taco to become a better person and to heal, I want her to let go of II, and of everyone there as a result. People don't seem to understand how her attachment to the past, and to the show, AND to pickle, is literally killing her at the moment. It is literally stopping her from becoming a better person.

Feeling "bad" about your actions doesn't make it okay. You can't keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay. That's the thing that Taco does. There's like SPECIAL emphasis on mic and pickle being happy and comfortable without taco being around, everyone calls out Taco because she's been stalking them, Taco did the whole questions thing just for. the sake of it. Like she didn't have to do that. Sure "I want you guys to see how bad the show got". Knife LITERALLY called her Ms Projector. But Taco CAN change. She NEEDS to forgive herself and let go for once and for all.

AND before someone compares Taco to Nickel or to any character to ignore the whole fucking point of the ep and of this analysis. They're not the same. They have their similarities but Taco did all of that shit because she wanted the money, and just because she could. Like have we forgotten that she wanted Mic to literally kill Balloon. Come on. A taser would've just killed him. Taco is NOT trying to get better, she says it on her song as well. She knows she did terrible damage and doesn't want to get better because she genuinely THINKS she can't start over at other places. Her unhealthy attachment to II is ruining her. And Nickel? He was like that because Balloon WAS a terrible person on s1, Nickel wanted to protect his alliance, and he KNOWS he was a terrible person now but you know what he did? He started to become a better person AND a better friend once he realized he was in the wrong. AND he's not aware like Taco is! He IS going to therapy and becoming a better person because he WANTS to be a good friend. Taco isn't. Taco kept digging further and further on her own hole despite the fact that she could've just. Start to get better ever since the ep started or moved on with Mepad but she didn't!!!! Because that wouldn't be Taco!!!!

and because i know people will only focus on me shitting on taco via recognizing what the ep pretty much told us. AGAIN. TACO CAN BECOME A BETTER PERSON. BUT SHE NEEDS TO LET GO OF II. AND IT DOESN'T ERASE HER ACTIONS TO DO THAT BUT IT MEANS THAT SHE GENUINELY WANTS TO BECOME BETTER. THE WHOLE POINT OF II IS THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES BUT THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO LET THAT STOP YOU FROM TRYING AGAIN. TACO IS STOPPING HERSELF.

also i honestly don't think people actually like taco as a character i think most of you are like that with her because you think she's hot. "oh max you just hate women" first of all shut up get another argument for whenever someone calls out your shit and also don't you DARE forget the fact that people villainized candle for wanting to take care of herself + that people were HORRID about cabby winning and about her disability. like the treatment you guys give to women is genuinely horrid. DON'T get me started on the way people treat mic or how people infantilize suitcase for being naive/kind. i love fem characters (my main one is literally mic) and the way literally everyone started to treat taco as a shell of her character is genuinely upsetting when the whole point of the ep was to show that "taco is a bad person and she doesn't want to get better". do you guys ACTUALLY care about taco? do you guys see her as a complex individual? do you understand that she's a bad person? do you understand that she doesn't want to get better? do you understand that she NEEDS to let go of ii AND of the past in order to start healing properly? do you understand that you can still enjoy an evil character while also not having to justify their actions, ESPECIALLY when said character recognized that they're fucked up? or do you just feel attracted to her aesthetic? because i think most of you are just attracted to her aesthetic and the fact that she's "hot" to you. taco is a genuinely compelling character and deserves so much better than being treated as a hot woman who's main character trait gets forgotten every single time.

also the ep made me like her more actually but by jove is everyone stupid about her leave her aloneeeee she doesn't need to be excused she doesn't need to be condemned she needs to let go. she needs to accept that meanwhile she can't fix things anymore that doesn't mean she can't work to be a better person.

.

[weeb-polls-with-pip]

Autistic Anime Boys Prelims - Propaganda Division - Group 9

Propaganda:

Shinpei -

"Has a tendency to ignore his emotions in high stress situations in favor of looking at everything logically, even when it is detrimental for him to take that approach. Keeps meticulous track of everything that happens around him."

Sunny -

"Sunny has been told that his face is not expressive. He doesn't talk a lot and he often gets lost into his imagination. He is a great listener and recalls a lot of information being told he has a great memory (he is able to remember a whole speech about flower symbolism that his friend told him) He is compared to a cat."

Yuki -

"He has difficulty communicating with other people and suffers from extreme social anxiety, feeling like he's drowning when placed in uncomfortable social situations or scenarios where she doesn't know how to respond. This also causes him to go red in the face and clench his jaw, which other characters wrongfully interpret as him becoming angry. Through meeting Haru (and getting pulled into his plan to save the world), he becomes friends with him and Natsuki and develops his own strong interest in fishing."

Meursault -

"not only is he based on the character from camus' l'étranger who has actual scholarly debate on him being autistic, meursault is just… so autism. hes this stoic, terse guy with resting bitch face who doesnt really seem to fully process that he isnt showing any emotions and that that offputs people, and hes very blunt and literal with things. once another character asked if he had metal for brains as an insult and he responded by telling him the exact chemical composition of his brain to show that it is not metal. once the other characters made food so bad that when he tasted it he went on a minute straight long monologue about how much it sucked. he then proceeded to cook his own food which the giant evil chicken monster man that was judging the food tasted and said was so intensely done to the letter of the recipe that it was too boring. hes like if autism was a guy and that guy was french."

Zack -

"does things based almost solely on whether or not he wants to, at one point in the series, he doesn't tell the rest of the cast that he can fly a spaceship because he doesn't feel like it. he also take everything everyone else tells him seriously, such as when another character he knew as a kid said they were going to get married one day, he took it very seriously and was confused when said character tried to confess her feelings again and he said he thought their promise from when they were kids was still on."

Joujirou -

"This boy is autism incarnate. No social skills, no normal pain perception, complete weirdo. He even has a special interest which becomes a mild issue when he joins the main cast lol."

Alus the Star Runner -

"He’s a three-armed wyvern gunslinger with cool goggles and a lightsaber. Need I say more? …Okay then. Alus was born as a mutant cripple and rejected by his kind but managed to overcome this and rise up to become Flying Reptile Indiana Jones. He’s famed as the greatest adventurer in the land, but also struggles to keep up a conversation and prefers to remain on his own (which is especially unusual for wyverns, who usually gather in giant flocks). He has exactly one (1) friend, whom he completely fails to understand as a person but still values and respects immensely. Despite his difficulties with social interaction, he’s repeatedly shown to be incredibly resourceful and intelligent, with a single-minded drive and persistence unmatched by anyone else in the series. (Also canonically asexual, because who needs a family when you can fight dragons perfectly well on your own?)"

Mamoru -

"the ORIGINAL autistic magical boy."

Shizuka -

"he's the most emotionally intelligent & mentally stable member of the cast & he's in love with the least emotionally intelligent & most emotionally volatile character ever. he's constantly got the vibe of looking into the camera like he's in the office while he's dealing with everyone else's bullshit. he's so steadfast & loyal that it makes me want to cry. he's so bad at expressing himself in a way that other people understand that for the longest time the boy he's in love with thinks that Doumeki doesn't even like him."

Idia -

"He’s a shut-in weirdo with long messy hair, a sleep deprived look in his eyes, and one of the few students to have a hoodie as part of his school uniform. He’s a prodigal tech genius with the vibes of burn out and depression. He’s usually quite meek around people, but when he clicks with a conversation topic, he gets all energetic and fired up and sometimes a bit haughty too. To avoid going out of his room and interacting with people face to face, he invented a mobile tablet with text to speech. He stays up all night playing video games and while he has trouble with IRL relationships, he’s made a genuine friend out of one of his gaming buddies (who he doesn’t realize is actually one of his classmates). He stans an idol group and once got into a hacking war against some dorm mates over it. He rebuilt his dead brother as a robot who has become somewhat of a therapist to him. The only reason he went out on a holiday vacation with school acquaintances is due to the location being featured in an anime, then bonded with the one guy’s grandma when he realized his favorite girl was based on her. For the Halloween celebration, he convinced his dorm to theme themselves after his favorite B horror movie, constantly infodumping to people about it and going all out in recreating the special effects. In Book 5, he has a minor background arc of being forced to do public speaking. In another Halloween event, he was forced to be a back-up singer and managed to pull through despite the social anxiety. He’s the most autistic student in all of Night Raven College and possibly in all of Twisted Wonderland too."

[siriuslysmoking]

Friends

Part 2 of Meddle About

Series Masterlist

A/N: Next chapter is a time skip. Kinda in a Chase Atlantic Era tbh. Also I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t look good in green.

Pairing: Fem!college student x sugar daddy!steve

Warnings: fem!reader, she/her pronouns, alcohol consumption, age gap (R:21, S:29), Reader has a memory about her grandpa (literally sum my grandpa used to do for me), Mention of bad family experience/relationships, No mention of race or body shape (except a hint at reader with big boobs)

Word Count: 2.7k

Summary: Working and being a student is tough, you never seem to have a moment to yourself, so when one of you co-workers needs a shift and offers to take your saturday night double, you take it. Finally going out with your friends you encounter a strange man with a strange proposition.

-Heart on your sleeve like you've never been loved Running in circles, now look what you've done (woo) Give you my word as you take it and run Wish you'd let me stay, I'm ready now (woo)-

Steve picks you up two days later. He's sitting in his Red BMW outside your cheap apartment and you feel a little self conscious about your home as he sits in his freshly cleaned expensive car.

The two of you had been messaging for a couple days and he has decided that instead of taking your measurements to the seamstress that it would be better to go in person.

You are worried, you haven't been alone with Steve, you didn't know what to expect.

Before you left your apartment you sent your friend your active location and Steve's whole name. You had asked for his entire name and he gave it willingly, understanding the need for safety.

He sits patiently in the front seat as you walk out your building's front door. He beams as he notices you, your appearance is nothing special, you are wearing a summer dress with converse and your normal jewelry and simple makeup.

You adjust the straps of your cross body bag as he exits the car and rounds the side to open your door. He looks like he wanted to give you a hug, but he seemingly thinks better of it.

Once you enter the car, he goes around and sits himself into the driver's seat. "Hi, how are you?"

"Good." You nod with a smile, meeting his eyes.

"How was your classes?"

"They were fine, I'm finishing up an Art History portfolio."

"That's good." He nods, adjusting the radio's volume for it to be a small ambiance music. "So, I wanted to talk more about this event with you."

"Okay," You adjust your body to face him. He puts the car in drive as he continues to talk.

"So, I work for this big company that my father used to run and we host a yearly charity event where we auction off art and different things for different charities." You nod along as he turns a corner, "I've never taken a date before and I've always been given shit for it. I don't want people's attention on my dating life when there is an auction for the homeless going on."

You nod not knowing what to really say to that.

He looks to you, not for an answer but for some sort of confirmation of your comfortability of the situation. "Are you still wanting to do this? I can turn around and lose your number if you prefer."

"No it's not that." You start to fidget with your hands, meeting his eyes at a red light. "It's just the only nice event I've ever been to is a wedding, so I don't know how to go about this. I mean- the nicest thing I own is my bridesmaid dress from my cousin's wedding."

"That's fine. I didn't assume that you would have a ball gown just handy- no sane person does." He laughs, "And just be yourself, no one else's opinion matters, you're coming so I don't go insane."

You laugh along with him, "I don't think I'll have a problem conversing with you, It's just I assume we'll be sitting next to people, what do you want me to tell them? That I'm a college student barely making ends meet as a waitress."

"Sure, I don't care." He shrugs, you give him a are you serious? look. "Tell them your plans after college, avoid questions you don't want to answer."

"You make it sound easy."

"Must be the years of practice." He smiles, adding to your comfort. "We're here."

You didn't even notice that you had shifted into park. Outside of a white dress shop with a black sign and matching window frames. It was a modern rustic feel. "Ready?"

You nod unbuckling and opening your door. When you stand on the pavement he gives you a playful scoff, "I'm supposed to get your door."

"My bad." You raise your hands in surrender, "I'll remember that."

He points a light-hearted accusatory finger at her and he utters with a smile, "You better."

You both enter the shop and he talks to the lady and the counter, talking about the appointment he made. "I wanted to ask, what's your favorite color? or what you look good in."

"I like blue and green and red." You huff out a laugh, "I'm not really against any color."

"Good, I told them that any color would probably work but you can talk to her about the different cuts and types of dresses you like."

"Okay."

He looks you in your eyes like he's searching for the answer that he hasn't even asked yet. "Are you sure about this? You can tell me to fuck off."

"You already asked me this, Steve." He rubs the back of his neck.

"Right, sorry."

"Don't be." You shake your head, following the lady that guides you behind a silk curtain.

"Hello, you must be Steve." The seamstress looks to you, "and you?"

You give her your name and she smiles as she asks for your regular dress size. You give it to her and she nods, grabbing the measuring tape that is wrapped around her neck like a scarf.

"Alright, let's start from the bottom." She motions you to step on an elevated platform. "arms up, hips and waist first."

You look to Steve who smiles as he sits down in the loveseat in the corner.

Four days later you get home from your day shift at work and see a car sitting out front.

The newly familiar BMW sits outside your apartment. He gets out as soon as he sees you walking down the street. "Hi."

You smile at him, "hey, what are you doing here?"

"Your dress is done and I thought that I would hand deliver it to you and if you feel comfortable I would love to see you try it on."

"Yeah! Sure, come on in." You wave him over as he grabs a big white box from his backseat.

He follows you up to your apartment while asking you about your day. You answer happily, asking him about his.

"Would you like something to drink or a snack?"

"I'm okay."

"Wanna get straight to the show?" You ask, his smiling as he makes himself comfortable on the beaten-up couch. He hums in agreement, motioning for you to grab the box. "Alright I will be right back, feel free to snoop, but I must say whatever you find that might in the slightest be embarrassing, just assume it's my roommate’s."

"Will do." He laughs as you turn to look back at him before closing your door.

Once you unfold it you let out a soft gasp. It is utterly breathtaking, it has a deep v-neck cut, spaghetti straps that don't seem very trustworthy to support you throughout the night. It has a slit in the side to give you more movement. It looks silk but has some stretch to it.

You strip down, pulling the deep green fabric over your body.

As you start to pull up the zipper in the back it suddenly gets stuck. You try to zip it three times before sighing and moving to your door. "Hey Steve, would you help me zip it up? I think it's stuck."

He looks up, meeting your eyes quickly. "Yeah of course."

You smile and turn around in the doorway as he comes up from behind you.

The fingers on your back make you shiver, you silently hope he doesn't notice the goosebumps growing on your arms. "There, just needed a little tug."

You turn facing him and realize that you are only inches away from him, you can feel his breath on your cheeks. You both meet each other's eyes, locking into his hazel eyes. You don't want to break this little trans that you're both put in, but if it goes on any longer it might get awkward. You lightly whisper, "Thank you."

He clears his throat, taking a step back, and looks you up and down. "You look beautiful." He pauses, before clearing his throat again, "T-The dress fits great."

"It does fit, very well actually." You look down at yourself, "Nothing has ever fit me this well before, thank you."

"You're welcome." He smiles at you.

"You look like a fucking goddess." Mia whispers as she finishes up applying your lipstick. "I can't get over it. God, I need a Steve in my life."

Over the past two weeks Steve has taken you to a dress shop, out to lunch, out to dinner, and just regular shopping. It feels so surreal, you feel so weird saying this but this does not feel like something that would happen to you.

"He's so sweet." You sigh, "and it's not even because he buys me things, like he refuses for me to open any door."

That hit a little too close to home. Growing up your grandpa used to yell at you if you would open the car door before he could come around the car and open the door for you. He would tell you that only a man worth keeping would open your door for you.

You smile at the memory.

You hear the doorbell and Mia seems to fucking giggle. She's truly living vicariously through you.

You walk to the door and open it to Steve who is wearing a black suit with a black button up underneath, he looked good.

"Woah-You look breathtaking, angel." He smiles.

"Thank you," You slightly whisper, "You don't look so bad yourself."

His smile seems to widen. Then his eyes drift to something behind you, you follow his gaze. "You don't have to hide, Mia."

You were surprised he remembered her name from the one time you mentioned it in a story, usually saying 'my roommate'.

"Hey, Steve." She walks out of the doorway she was hiding in, "'m not hiding, just watching from a distance."

He gives her a playful look and she just retreats to her room with her head down. "Oh, before I forget, here."

He shoves a black card into your hand. "It has twelve thousand on it, after tonight it might be closer to twenty."

"W-what?" You laugh nervously, "I thought you were joking about that whole thing."

"I'm a man of my word." He thrusts the card closer to you and you slowly take it with slightly shaky hands, "Shall we go?"

You smile and nod after shoving the card into your crossbody bag. He grabs a hold of your hand, guiding you down the stairs in your heels.

The drive was silent underneath the low sound of music from the stereo.

You travel downtown in no time and Steve drives the care into the line of the valet.

"Alright, I will be bombarded with work questions. Feel free to have as many drinks as you require, I will take you home tonight, so if it's just that painful, feel free drink your annoyance away."

"It's okay, Steve." You place your hand on his thigh, calling his rant to a stop. "I'm sure I'll be okay, you should meet my family, If I can deal with them I can deal with anything."

"Alright then." Steve nods and he looks down to his lap, that's when you pull away your hand, realizing that you had left it there.

You two join hands after he rounds the car, he helps you out and guides you up the stairs into the ballroom. The ballroom… It looked ancient, golden and white, sculptures and paintings on the ceiling. The white tiles floor is covered in circular tables.

“Let’s dance, so we can avoid the grating voices of others for just a few more minutes.” Steve speaks into your ear, guiding you onto the dance floor. 

“Uh-Steve, I don’t know how to dance.”

“We must’ve gone over this, yes?”

“No.”

“Okay, that’s okay, close your eyes and let me guide you. Put your hand on my shoulder and in my hand and I’ll help you.”

You close your eyes and his warm arm settles on your waist, pulling you closer into him. The both of you dance in silence, you feel his body heat against your front, oddly comforting you.

Once the song comes to a close he guides you to your table that’s in the middle of the dinning section of the ballroom. There is a stage up ahead, with the ballroom behind, and the tables in the middle section.

You sat next to him and he called over a waiter, there were a few people that arrived before you. “This is Billy… and his date,”

Steve kind of leaves the question up in the air, not knowing her name. “Charisa.” She smiles, leaning over the table to shake your head, you see the way she pulls her shoulders together to accentuate her cleavage, but you try to ignore that, getting it, she’s a pretty woman.

“And Tommy and his wife Melanie.” He pointed to the next group, Tommy looked at you with a smirk, he was the man from the other night who refused to call you your name and you recognize Billy as the one who is seemingly allergic to scallops.

“We’ve met you before.” Billy points at you.

“Um, yes, I believe we have.” You smile with a nod, he gives you a smirk, like he knows all of your secrets, Steve rested a supporting hand on top of your thigh that is peaking out from the slit in your dress. “I think you came to the restaurant that I work at, one day.”

The table goes quiet, but Mealanie smiles, “Is this the restaurant that you went to that you said that they had the most delicious Steak? Because I want to have a group there some night, but it’s awfully full recently with the holidays coming up.”

“Yes, I do believe that that was that restaurant.” Tommy says, not breaking eye contact with you.

“I would love some help getting a reservation for it, I could do you a favor of course or repay you in some way, but I would be so appreciative.”

“Of course! I’d be happy to help.” You smile.

“Wonderful! I’d love to get your number or something so we can hookup!”

“Perfect.” You smile wider, it’s starting to hurt, you’re not quite sure how you feel about this interaction, but Steve calms your nerves by rubbing his thumb up and down your thigh.

“The waitress, Steve?” Billy laughs, shaking his head. You furrow your eyebrows, looking at Steve, he just rolls his eyes, squeezing onto your thigh.

“We’re gonna go make our rounds, okay?” Steve announced, standing up and taking ahold of your hand.

You and Steve make your rounds and you stay quietly at his side while he says hello to his business friends.

The next few hours were nothing but ‘hello’, ‘how is the family’, ‘my mom’s good, how are the kids?’. That when both you and Steve get back to the table, the auction starts.

“So since we’re not bidding on anything we’ll just sit here.” He leans back against his chair, swishing around his liquor in his glass. “Need a refill?”

“No, I don’t think I need to drink until I drop.” You smile at him, also relaxing in your chair. “I’m having a nice time with you.”

“I am too, sweetheart, It’s much less painful with you here.” He looks to you, giving you a lazy smile, his eyes seem to sparkle and you’re not sure if it’s the lighting or the alcohol.

“This is nice, Steve.” You send the lazy smile back.

“Yeah…” He trails off quietly, his eyes looking down for a moment, glancing at your lips, you thought you had imagined it but when he does it again, you know that you didn’t.

He leans in closer and when you feel like he’s about to give in and close the gap between you the man on stage loudly says, “I’ve got four hundred thousand, do I hear five hundred?”

You hear Steve sigh from next to you, looking toward the stage.

-

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Taglist:

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comment if you want to be added to the taglist or removed

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[simplykorra]

thinking about ava deciding she'd rather go back to being paralyzed than let those she loves down. how much weight something like that has coming from anyone, but especially somebody like ava who had her life horrifically stolen from her and who was beyond grateful and overwhelmed and filled with joy at being able to live again. a character so in love with life actively choosing this time around to give it up on her own terms.

refusing to even consider michaels plan until she's shown there's no other way. only then does she resolve to do it because the other option, letting her friends, letting beatrice, have to live(or die) with the consequences of her inaction is unfathomable. and not only that, she tries her very best to not even let bea witness it, see it, because she knows the effect that would have on her. bea cannot watch her die. ava didn't have any choices before, now she does, and every one she makes is in service to those she loves

i think of ava sitting at home one night in switzerland, on the couch next to beatrice who has a book in her lap and a tiny little smile on her face and ava gets up and makes her a cup of tea all the while thinking about how fucking beautiful it is that she can just...do that

first, that she has the ability to get up on her own, to make (subpar) tea and do a little dance to the music playing in the background as she sashays around a chair in their kitchen. she's so appreciative of the little things - the way a car sounds when it drives by and how beatrice always hums a little to herself when she turns a page

which brings up the second, that she has someone in her life that is there for her. ava grew up so alone and abandoned and forgotten - frances literally tried to erase her existence and now she has this whole beautiful and glorious person who cares about her and looks out for her - who made her a promise to never leave her side and kept it.

ava is the quintessential 'burned too hot, too fast' kind of character that shines so bright but only lasts for a short time and her story reflects that right up until her final fight with adriel. she's accept it, but there's never heartbreak in her feelings towards it - she's grateful and that is what makes her special. ava had every reason to be bitter and angry.

she didn't need time, certainly she wanted it, but she didn't need it. what she needed was the chance. her heart was so grateful for the love she found, for the people who took her in and accepted her and gave her a chance that the very thought of anything happening to them made her choice easy. it hurt, you can see it when she kisses bea and later when she's walking with michael, clearly detached, but in her mind, it was so so easy.

that goes back to beatrice, beatrice who loved her, who chose her and i think deep deep down, that's all ava ever wanted. she wanted to be someone's person. she wanted someone to look at her and pick her and beatrice did and in ava's eyes that made her invaluable. that made giving up her own life simple.

in the end though, that same reasoning is why ava lived - because beatrice chose her and while ava may be the one with the halo and the powers and the destiny, beatrice is just as special and we saw it multiple times in season 2 - no force of nature and no act of god was going to keep beatrice away from her. she would, literally, fight the world if it meant getting to ava and keeping her promise.

ava's alive and will come home to her, because they chose each other, and you just can't beat that.

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #28 – The Dead Take The A Train by Cassandra Khaw and Richard Kadrey

Oh I wanted to love this book so very much. On paper it’s basically made for me – incredibly messy fuckup of a heroine, cosmic horror through the idiom of wall street corporate sharks, grimy and gory urban fantasy full of knifing people in back alleys, the works! For the first fifty pages or so, I thought I was in love – which just made the disappointment as the wheels came off all the more bitter.

The book follows Julie, ‘barbed wire magician’ (it’s at least as unpleasant as it sounds), professional monster hunter, and all-around personal disaster. Her life takes a turn for the even messier when a) her best friend/comically oversized unresolved crush shows up at her door begging for help running from her abusive husband and b) unrelatededly but more or less simultaneously, her ex-partner-and-also-boyfriend, looking up to clean up embarrassing loose ends on his rise up the elldritch corporate ladder, baits her into trying to summon a guardian angel from a sabotaged tome and ends up releasing a metaphysical parasite that starts murdering its way through the city’s occult underground. From there things just get messier.

Drilling down as much as I can, my issues with this can be summed up as it feels like a first draft. There’s stuff there on the page – character arcs, relationships, bits of scenery and action setpieces, even themes! - but it’s all just..there. Exaggerated line sketches no one ever went back and turned into full illustrations. It’s most painful with the characters – every one of them is a caricature, precisely and exactly what they first appear to be with the same beats hit again and again every single time they appear on screen. Which more or less for the quirky supporting cast but like – we get multiple chapters from the perspective of the aforementioned abusive husband, and something like a fifth of the book is from the POV of the sleazy corporate striver ex. At no point does either one get the slightest bit of nuance or pathos – Tyler’s chapters in particular end up reading like bad SCP field reports, with so much self-destructive instituional backstabbing and betrayal it all ends up being slapstick.

Sarah the love interest gets a special anti-shout-out here. Like, I know I’m just picky about and have a low tolerance for romances, but I swear – the single most important dynamic in the book in terms of both wordcount and narrative signposting is her and Julie’s romance, and it is just So. Bad. Every single scene she’s in is dedicated to rubbing your face in how fragile and traumatized and selfless and adorable and good-hearted and damaged she is, and the entirety of the romance is essentially one of those jokes about how lesbians will spend six years living with each other awkwardly waiting for the other to ask them out but stretched across 400 pages. I spent half the book patiently waiting for any hint of hidden depths or surprising twists to her character, but nope! Just a perfect domestic angel.

The setting actually has something of a similar issue. It feels like an exaggerated pastiche of urban fantasy, assuming the reader is already familiar with all the tropes and conceits and making only the most perfunctory possible gestures towards exploring or justifying them. This can absolutely work, but if you’re doing it you kind of need to use the genre as the background or setup for something else that the book is actually about – deconstruction or satire or character study or Wacky Hijinks or something. When what’s gruesome action and drama is supposed to be the star attraction, the grounding and verisimilitude of the world is actually pretty key.

A really tight, tense plot could have absolutely redeemed the whole but, well, nope. The literal entire plot hinges on Tyler, in the course of one conversation several drinks in at a crowded bar, baiting Julie into looking for a particular type of tome from a particular store so she’ll try the ritual he had swapped out with one to curse her – but then also that he didn’t know what the ritual he swapped in actually did. The big evil wall street law firm has a corporate culture that should have collapsed about 48 hours after it was founded, and absolutely nothing about it makes sense for a place with lasting institutional power. Everyone’s morality and perceptiveness changes as the plot requires. The pacing feels like they had to pull a happy ending out of their asses at the 2/3 mark and shove the rest of the book into a sequel. It’s just, it’s bad!

Also the prose starts at fun and evocative and keeps pushing into Lovecraftian levels of adjective-addiction, and neither the A-Train nor the dead are actually at all important to the story.

Just, argh. This could have been good! The first 40 pages were a really fun schlocky monster-of-the-week story! The first ritual summoning the Proctor was basically perfect! I wanted to love this!

[gingerjolover]

hiii mama g!!! it’s my birthday today and so i’ve been thinking about what julien would be like on soft!gf’s birthday. first off, BIRTHDAY POST!!! (i’m taking her birthday post for herself into consideration while typing this) i think it’d be a slideshow of pictures, a couple that she’s taken of you and a couple that the boys or members of muna have taken of you. she’d definitely write a lengthy paragraph where every sentence is articulate and sooo meaningful to the point where it’s like your heart beats abnormally faster as you continue to read because she’s just SOOOO!!!!!!

secondly, i don’t really Imagine julien and soft!gf as hugeeee party people, so i don’t think they’d stay up at the strike of midnight waiting for soft!gf’s birthday. instead, i think julien wakes up at the crack of dawn, and obviously she knows how to cook, so she makes not only the most pleasing breakfast JUST to look at, but the most delicious breakfast for the both of them. so then soft!gf wakes up to julien, who’s already smiling ear to ear holding a tray table and setting it down before just peppering you with kisses and saying happy birthday in between each kiss I CANTTTTT IM FEELING ALL FUZZY shes so cutesie

and 24/7 on your bday, acts of service julien just never stops. she does every minor thing you’re so capable of doing for you. finished your breakfast? julien’s already taken it to the kitchen and washing the dishes. dropped something? she’s bent down to grab it for you. also, even though she already does this, she makes sure to open every single door for you, pull out the chair you’re gonna sit at, open the car door for you… like she is ON IT!

and then after having made sure she’s done (almost……) everything in her power to ensure that the day was all about you, there’s just oneeee more thing she was waiting to do to realllyyyy show how much she loves you…….. you get the VIBES! won’t say too much on that cause i’ve already talked your ear off and once i start, i won’t be able to stop BUT YEAHHHH JULIEN ON SOFT!GF’S BDAY ☹️☹️☹️💘

first off, HAPPY BDAY BABY!!!!! I hope you had SUCH a great day<3

and you are soooooooo right, i fully believe that acts of service is julien’s main love language (i have a blurb coming up about love languages for munagenius) and your birthday is the PERFECT excuse for her to literally wait on you hand and foot

as for the insta post i think you’re 1000% right and i can literally imagine julien scrolling through her album of you (of pics she’s taken but also ones that she’s been sent of you from muna or the boys or mutual friends) she would be so fucking picky about which photos to post making sure they encapsulate your personality perfectly and you’re right the post would be so beautiful and so heartwarming 😭 i think she would take the time to post the pics of your initials on her finger or a tattoo she got for you with you like posing cheekily with a thumbs up next to her or something

and i agree, unless it was a big birthday i can’t imagine them throwing a party but maybe if your best friend was in town or maybe your family or if it was a bigger bday and the boys, muna, kelli and ally and other friends wanted to do something for you it would still be super lowkey and julien would spend the whole day with you beforehand

she gives off the vibes of like if you open your door yourself she leans over, closes it and then runs to your side of the car like a bullet and then opens it, she def gets grumbly when you try and do stuff yourself

and I GET THE VIBES BABE I DO, i think she would just want it to be extra special and do everything you wanna do (she def makes a birthday sex playlist with an obsecure name i will die on this hill)

i also wanted to add she def wants to do everything for you on your bday, i think canonically soft!gf and julien don’t exchange gifts, like not big ones, mainly because they both do a lot of little things throughout the year, but julien ALWAYS spoils you on your bday, its usually stuff that’s practical but she loves to get you little things to watch you open in bed when your hair is all messy and eyes are sleepy, you’re like holding the covers up over your chest and she’s rubbing your back as you unwrap a bunch of little presents 🥹