#by age 18 i became aware of how wrong some of the things I was taught were. and adjusted my values and views accordingly.

[angelnumber27]

“For the most part, members of our species simply repeat what they are told and become upset if they are exposed to any different view”

-Michael Crichton, Lost World (1995)

[cillianhead]

Heeyy, love your work💜 aaand I was wondering could you write dad's Bestfriend! Cillian and how your dad keeps asking Cillian to go on a double date with him and his wife since he's been single for a while, but Cillian doesn't want to and (you're at your house) or then somehow you and him end up in the same place later and talk about it? one of you confesses they're glad he didn't go cos they had feelings for the other and then things get heated 😉😉

Sorry if it's all over the place, I have so many little ideas in my brain rn lol

Thank you☺️

Thank you so much for your request, I've literally been thinking sooooo much about the idea of Dad's BestFriend! Cillian and how I wanted to write about it, I hope this is what you were looking for!

Enjoy <3

Illicit Affairs || Dad's BestFriend! Cillian Murphy x Reader

warnings: SMUT, age gap (Cillian is in his 40s, reader is in her 20s), taboo relationship, unprotected P in V, oral sex (f receiving), a bit angsty, having to hide their relationship, jealousy, some homophobic comments I guess?? (not from Cillian), general adult content!! (Cillian isn't an actor/famous in this also he moved to America... in this!) (Also this fic is quite long... so that's a warning!)

18+ Minors DNI

Cillian Murphy was that charming Irish man who lived just down your street. He had moved there around five or six years ago, you couldn't really remember, it was when you were just seventeen. He had moved here in the hopes of getting away from his ex-wife back in Ireland and starting over. Your dad was incredibly welcoming to him when he first moved in and they quickly became good buddies. Your dad was into sports and drinking beer, cooking out on the grill, and all that classic dad stuff. Cillian enjoyed that stuff too but he was much more into the arts than your dad ever could be. You two bonded over that. Cillian taught you how to play guitar, you'd write songs together, you'd go to concerts of bands you both liked.

Now you were twenty-four, in your last year of college and Cillian was still around, you still got together and went to concerts or played the guitar together every now and then, though you were more busy now and so was he. You'd had a crush on him ever since you had laid your eyes on him but you understood why it was wrong, understood why he was off limits. You couldn't help but grow jealous though when you'd see him bring home women every now and then and then see them leaving in the morning. It wasn't an occasion that happened often but it got on your nerves regardless, you knew you had no right to feel that way. But it still made you feel sick to your stomach.

Of course, you'd had a couple of boyfriends, none of them were all that serious. You hated yourself for comparing them to him, knowing no man could ever compare to the man that Cillian is. Your dad was oblivious to your (not-so) little crush. You had to keep it that way, not that anything was ever going to happen between you but you knew your dad would be uncomfortable with the idea of you having a crush on one of his best buddies.

"Cillian's comin' over tonight, Y/N." Your dad popped his head into your room, you just nodded and smiled before he left. You still lived at home since you studied not too far from home, your parents were more than happy to let you live there for as long as you needed but you had plans of moving out soon, as soon as you graduated.

"Thanks, Dad... I already know that." You chuckled. Your mom was downstairs cooking dinner and you had also received text messages from the man himself, earlier that day informing you he was coming over, so you were very much aware that he was coming over.

Cillian: Can't wait to see you. It's been a while, kid. xxx

You'd read the message over and over and over again. Your heart fluttered each time you did so. You hated how he called you 'kid', you were a grown woman, you weren't a kid anymore. You really hated it because you knew you didn't hate it. In fact, the nickname made you all shy and giggly, it made you like him even more.

It was around six when your mom called out for you that dinner was ready. You had tried your best to look nice, for whatever reason that may be. It wasn't anything too crazy or too dressy but it was definitely nicer than how you'd normally dress when you had guests over. A small black skirt that was a bit risky with how short it was but you could definitely get away with wearing it and a tight long-sleeved black shirt, tucked into it. You could hear chattering from the dining room, the sound of Cillian's chortling made you smile as you entered the room to find yourself meeting the back of the head of an unfamiliar blonde woman, sitting next to Cillian, and making him laugh. Your smile had dropped.

"Oh, sweetie!" Your mom waved you over to the table, the food had been served, both parents sitting on either end of the table while you had to sit and face Cillian and this strange blonde lady. Was this his girlfriend? You knew it had been around a month or so since you'd last seen him but surely he hadn't gotten a girlfriend in such a short amount of time. "This is Cassandra... we've been friends since college, I thought it would be nice to introduce her to Cillian... I've always said how I thought they'd get along."

You just nodded politely, looking Cillian in the eyes to see the discomfort staring back at you. Cassandra was beaming, as any woman should be if she sat beside Cillian, you just glared as you prepared your plate of food. You remained civil, of course, nodding along to things being said and laughing extra hard at jokes your dad tried to make. But you couldn't get rid of the big fat elephant in the room, Cassandra. She was pretty enough, with long blonde hair (obviously bleached, you thought), and makeup done elegantly but it was a bit much. Lip fillers to the max and smooth botox-filled skin. But the thing was... her perfume was obnoxiously loud for a smell. It filled the room like someone had bombed the place with perfume-scented grenades and it absolutely ruined the food. You don't know how Cillian could just sit there, breathing in her perfume without vomiting all over the place. You were sitting across the table and it was horrible, practically on the verge of a migraine, how bad must it be having to sit right next to her?

You scolded yourself silently for trying to put down this woman in your head. She hadn't done anything wrong except breathe near Cillian. It wasn't her fault you had some sort of weird jealousy issues when it came to him.

"...What... what do you do for work, Cassandra?" Cillian asked politely before taking a bite from his fork, looking at Cassandra with genuine interest. That made your gut churn.

"Oh... well I actually work for the Catholic church just around the corner," Cassandra smiled. "I actually go around... um... telling people about Catholicism and its benefits, trying to get them to join." You took a sip of your wine with a cheeky grin on your face as you saw Cillian's discomfort with her response. You knew fully well he had no issue with people practicing religion but you knew how he felt for people to go around and shove their beliefs down people's throats. With the slightest bit of alcohol running through your veins, you found some courage to feign interest in her line of 'work'.

"That's really interesting, Cassie," You hummed delightfully, your parents looked over at you cautiously. You knew you had crossed a line by calling her 'Cassie'. "What are your thoughts on gay people?" The room went silent. The drop of a pin could be heard.

Her face went beet red at this question. Your mom gave you a disappointed look before faking a smile. Cillian looked amused before turning to Cassandra, everyone waiting for her response.

"I... erm...." She was looking around the room. Now maybe you had guessed wrong, maybe she was totally fine with gay people but you had a feeling her answer was going to be the complete opposite of that. "I think... if someone wishes... to live that lifestyle... then they should... keep it to themselves..." You cringed at that response. "I think God... I think God would not approve of... that sort of lifestyle." Bazinga. Cillian was immediately put off.

"I didn't realize you spoke for God himself." Cillian chuckled as he looked down into his glass of wine with that mischievous smile that mirrored your own. The two of you giggled at each other, Cillian seemed sort of relieved in a way that he didn't have to deal with this bozo of a woman anymore and your jealousy had disappeared along with the food on your plate.

Eventually, Cassandra left hurriedly. Your mom scolded you for being rude but you just shrugged it off. Cillian stuck around to hang out with your dad as you and your mom cleaned the dishes, you could hear them chattering on the back porch, probably about the latest baseball game or your dad trying to convince Cillian to come over one day for a barbecue.

"Go bring these to your father and Cillian, sweetie." Your mom hands a pack of beer which you take carefully as you nod.

Walking out to the back veranda, Cillian sat with a cigarette in between his lips. How could someone be so pretty? You sat the beers down on the small coffee table before turning back around to keep helping your mom but were quickly stopped by Cillian's hands curling around your wrist. Electric jolts ran through you with his touch. "Why don't you join us, kid?" Cillian hummed.

"Alright." You politely sat down beside him, he sat in between you and your father. It was a lovely summer's night, the crickets chirped and the sun was only just setting at almost nine at night. It was quiet and peaceful and warm. Cillian's presence especially helped provide that atmosphere.

You tucked your legs up into your chest, you and Cillian occasionally sharing glances at each other while your dad and he continued to talk about subjects that didn't capture your interest. Every time he looked at you, you felt like you could explode, his eyes so captivating and simply electrifying. "Here, love." Cillian passed the cigarette over to you, and you took a small drag. Your dad gave you a disapproving look but shook it off as you passed it back, letting out the bellowing smoke from the chambers of your lungs and mouth.

"Weird seein' my little girl smoking a cigarette," Your father grumbled, cracking open a cold one and handing it over to Cillian. "S'not right, you've grown up too fast." While he opened himself a beer, Cillian laid his eyes on you, sucking in the thick smoke of his fag.

You just rolled your eyes at your father's comment. "If it makes you feel better... the only time I have ever smoked a cigarette is when I've been around Cillian." You giggled, looking over at Cillian to see him tilting his head at you, playfully nudging you.

"Hey," He whispered. "Don't dob me in, kid!" His voice was low and husky, you felt yourself squeeze a little at the tremor his tone caused.

Grasping your lip in between your bottom lip you just shook your head as you leaned your head against the wall of the house, staring out at the sunset. You sat out there for a little while, sharing puffs of the cigarette with Cillian until your dad got up, grumbling somethin' about how he was going to help your mother. Leaving you and Cillian alone together. Alone.

"Your parents are pretty eager to hook me up with someone," Cillian said, breaking the silence between you.

"Yeah?" You sucked in a breath.

"Yeah," He took a sip of his beer, setting it down on the table before stretching an arm back and laying it behind you, his hand gently resting on your shoulder. You were flustered, being so close to him, in this sort of dim lighting. "Apparently, I'm goin' out this Saturday to go on a double date wit' your folks... and some woman named Naomi."

You bit back a scowl. "Oh... that's nice..." You lied through your teeth, Cillian just let out an amused huff. It gave off the impression he was irritated with something but you couldn't quite pick up on why he would be annoyed. He wanted you to stand up and tell him to stay, to tell him to be with you instead, he wanted you to be angry, he thought.

You knew who Naomi was. She worked with your dad, you had met her a few times. She was incredibly bright, charming, and nonetheless beautiful, ageing gracefully. Cillian and her were going to get along quite well, in fact, you felt yourself grow sad over the fact they would probably flourish as a couple. You and Cillian sat in silence for a little while longer, you didn't know what else to say. You felt ashamed that this wasn't just a crush you had, you harbored genuine and strong feelings for him that you knew he could never reciprocate. It was wrong. But how could you not want to be with him? He was the best man you'd ever met. Cillian was kind, he understood your silence, and he made you laugh until your ribs hurt. He comforted you like no other, without even trying and god... he was magnetic, the most handsome man you'd ever seen.

"She's not the woman I'm interested in though," Cillian groused, his fingers fiddling with the sleeve of your shirt, his thumb occasionally brushing over the bare skin on your shoulder. You turned your head to look at him with a frown. His face perfectly aligned with yours, hot breath on your face, his pale blue eyes lit up by the rising moon. You could kiss him at that moment... but you wouldn't. You shouldn't. "Y/N..." He took in a deep breath, and your heart raced, it seemed like he was about to confess something. "I..."

"Come on! Let me walk ya home!" Your dad stepped out, and you immediately hopped up and out of the seat, not wanting your dad to see the close proximity you and Cillian were in, not that anything was happening between you two. Not that your dad would see anything you were feeling at that moment. "Sorry was I interrupting something?" Your dad murmured obliviously, disappointment painting both of your faces.

"No... no... I'd better be goin'," Cillian stood up, brushing himself off before pulling you into a tight hug. "See ya round, kid." He whispered into your hair before letting go of you, he gave you a longing stare before turning away.

"Bye, Cillian..."

Your heart sank as you watched him go. Curiosity that ate away at you bubbled in your stomach. What was he going to tell you? Surely... it's not what you were thinking? Sitting in your room that night, you struggled to think about anything else. You hated the idea of Cillian meeting this Naomi woman and falling in love with her. You hated that you felt like you had some sort of possession over him, he wasn't yours and he never would be.

Stormy Saturday rolled around and you had no plans, you just watched your parents get ready for this double date of theirs as you wallowed in self-pity and the sky opened up, just as moody as you were. They pestered you on why you were so grumpy, you just shrugged them off, blaming it on hormones. With every step they took towards the door, your heart broke more and more. You wished them goodbye before sitting on the couch with a tub of ice cream to soothe away the pain. An hour went by and you figured the date had started by now, Naomi and Cillian were probably planning their marriage straight away and you would have to watch him give himself away, you would have to sit in the church pews and resist from standing up and screaming when the minister asks if anyone has any objections. You imagined yourself watching their first dance, watching Cillian stand up and tell the world how she's the most amazing woman he's ever known and that he loves her. You imagined having to congratulate him, you imagined growing old and alone, still just as in love with him as you are now. You groaned at your silly thoughts.

"Get over yourself." You said through gritted teeth, talking to yourself as you bit back tears.

You had some stupid rom-com on, only further reminding you of how painfully alone you were and how desperately you wished to be the one Cillian wanted. You were quickly pulled out of your thoughts by your phone buzzing beside you, quickly picked it up when you saw it was your dad calling.

"Hey dad, how's it going?" You asked with a casual hum, plopping another bit of the vanilla ice cream into your mouth.

"Have you seen Cillian? He's yet to arrive." Your dad sounded worried, he was never a worrier. "He said he was going to show up earlier but we haven't heard from him since... have you heard from him?"

"No, I haven't, is he okay... do you think?" You sat up fully now, setting the ice cream aside. It wasn't like Cillian to not respond at all for so long. If he wasn't going to show up, he'd at least let the people know. You hear a loud strike of lightning outside, shaking the room.

"I don't know, I don't know, Y/N, it's been an hour and a half, he should be here..." Your dad grumbles. You can hear the sound of your mom apologizing to someone else, no doubt Naomi was the person she was apologizing to. Sorry, your future husband hasn't arrived, you imagined her saying. "Alright, I'm gonna go, we're gonna stick around here for a little longer... call me if you hear from him."

The call ends and you're left with an uneasy feeling in your chest. What if Cillian was hurt? You tried to brush away that feeling, getting up and putting the ice cream back in the freezer and the spoon in the sink. A knock at your front door, as loud as the thunder outside made you jump about halfway across the kitchen. Who would be knocking at this time? Especially during this weather?

You rush to the door, the rain pouring out, the trees just about to be ripped out of the ground with how harsh the wind was and you open the door, scowling at the wind.

"Y/N." Cillian gasped out, he looked straight out of a movie scene. Soaking wet. He took a step in, dripping all over the place. His eyebrows furrowed together as he approached you.

"Cillian, what? What are you doing here?!" You exclaimed, shutting the door. "My parents are worried sick about you!"

"I...."

"Why aren't you at your date?" You interrupted, scolding him like a naughty child. He was shivering as he took off his sopping coat, leaving him in a white button-up shirt that was equally soaked. It didn't leave much to the imagination, with the already somewhat translucent material and the water leaking through. It stuck to every inch of his skin like cellophane, his nipples peeked through, his chest and stomach on full display. You stopped yourself from checking him out any further, growing flustered as you felt him corner you in the living room. He had a wild look in his eyes.

"Cillian?" You ask again, concerned. His hair was sticking to his forehead, his eyes locked on you. He didn't seem to really care that he was as wet as a dog.

"Y/N..."

"Cillian..." You repeated.

His eyes said everything he was thinking. Hunger, love, and deep untamed desperation. You winced a bit at the feeling of hand cupping your face. "I love you." He whispered and you gasped.

"Cillian..." You whispered back, hesitant to respond to what he just said. "Have you... have you had something to drink tonight?"

"I'm completely sober, kid," He grunted as he leaned in to kiss you, hot breath on your neck as you quickly turned your cheek to him. You pushed him away, you knew this was wrong. You took a step away from him, and Cillian gave you a look of hurt. "Y/N, baby, I need to tell you this. I have to know you feel the same way." His voice was shaking. The room shook with him, you sat down on your sofa and curled your body up into a tiny ball. "Look at me, kid, look at me." "Don't call me kid!" You yelled with tears in your eyes, finally looking him in the eyes. Cillian jumped a bit at the sudden outburst, it wasn't like you to yell.

"Y/N..." Cillian whispered, a look of hurt.

"We... we can't... I don't know... what's going on right now... but this isn't right... you're my dad's best friend..."

"And you're my best friend's daughter," He sat beside you, placing his hand on your thigh and the other on your chin, making you look at him. "But it doesn't.... it doesn't change these feelings... I have for you."

"Why?" You shook your head away, trying to hide the hot tears that slipped down your face. "Why would you have feelings for me? You could have anyone... and you decide me." "I didn't decide this," Cillian sighed, he leaned in and pressed his face into your warm shoulder. His cold wet hair tickles along your jawline. "But I want you... it doesn't matter... any woman could beg to have me... I'd still want you, Y/N. No one else matters... I need you." Your heart ached. It felt like Cillian had wrapped his warm hand around your poor heart and squeezed it until warm raspberry jam spilled out of his fist. You felt torn.

"Don't cry, baby..." His voice was low and every bit of you wanted to fling yourself at him, to confess your undying love, to run away to Paris with him and never come back. The way he called you baby was delectable. But you couldn't stop thinking about your parents, about the look on their faces if they saw this. "Y/N... baby..." "Stop calling me baby..." You cried, turning your face full of anguish towards him. Cillian's lip quivered, thumb swiping away your tears. "I don't... I don't get it. I just don't get it, Cillian... why... you? Why... me?"

"You are the most extraordinary person I have ever met, kid..." Cillian's petal-like lips whispered to you oh-so-gently. Your eyes locked on the way his mouth moved as he spoke. "I... I know it's wrong, I know I'm a fuckin' creep... for feeling this way for you... I'm old enough to be your goddamn father... I've known you since you were... just seventeen-"

"How long... have you... you known...?"

"Since you came home from your trip to California last year..." He replied all too quickly. "I saw you with that stupid boy... Kyle or whatever the fuck his bloody name was and all I saw was red... I didn't... I couldn't handle seeing you with him." You bit back a smile. "You're too good... for any of those college boys..." He grumbled. "A lady like you... she needs to be treated right."

You can treat me right Cillian, you thought. "I've never wanted them... the way I've wanted you..." "Fuck..." He let out quietly, biting his own lip in response. "You can't say things like that." His blue eyes were just a sliver of what they once were, pupils were blown wide as if he were high from just staring at you. "Most brilliant girl... fuck... that last gig we went to... I wanted to wrap me arm around you and kiss you silly... claim you as mine... but... I was too afraid."

"What gave you the courage?"

"I've just had enough," Cillian swiped another tear off your cheek. "Had enough of waiting... I can't wait any longer..."

"I can't wait any longer either... it's been eating away at me, the idea of you with anyone else. I just... I can't picture you with anyone else."

Cillian grinned at you, still shivering from his wet clothes. You put him out of his misery, connecting your lips. After all this time, what felt like an eternity, you kissed. The oxygen around you no longer mattered, you had each other to breathe in now. This kiss was not slow and romantic, it was violent like you were trying to consume each other, trying to see who could win in this cannibalistic fight. His hands grasped at your waist, pulling you onto his lap and wetting your clothes with his soggy ones.

"Take my shirt off..." He whispered, he didn't have to ask you twice.

You unbuttoned his shirt as best you could while it was wet before ripping it open and revealing his delicious skin. "You're so pretty, Cillian..." This moment was surreal. The man of your dreams, twenty years older than you, with crow's feet and grey hairs, and the most beautiful soul you had ever found, sitting in front of you with his body on display for you. Your soulmate. You both had known it for a long time now. Making out on your couch was unacceptable to Cillian so he picked you up and carried you upstairs with your legs wrapped around his slim waist.

He had been in your room plenty of times before but never for reasons like this. Never with the desire to rip all your clothes off and crawl inside you. Cillian closed and locked the door behind you before throwing you down onto your well-cushioned bed. You watched him slide out of his shoes and pull off the sticky shirt that draped off his shoulders. Now he was completely shirtless and was prowling towards you like a tiger to its prey. "Gonna take your clothes off of now, love, is that alright?" He asked quickly, fingers slipping underneath the waistband of your shorts. You nodded desperately, your brain lost in some sort of fog of disbelief and horniness.

"God..." You whispered as you helped him shimmy off your shorts and you pulled your shirt quickly over your head. Leaving you in nothing but some small boxer shorts. He grinned madly.

"S'pretty..." His hands slid up your waist until both hands cupped each of your tits in his hands. "Fucking hell, kid." You rolled your head back at him calling you that, groaning at how it turned you on and gasping as you felt his hot mouth latch itself onto your hard nipple.

"Cillian... oh my god!" Your fingers tugged on his hair before he pulled off of you with a pop.

His lips were quickly back on yours as he pulled down your shorts, now you were completely naked and he knelt down on his knees so his face was perfectly aligned with what was between your legs. Your pussy was already soaking wet for him, he leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to your clit. "You are the most beautiful thing..." He whispered, staring directly at your throbbing cunt. "And the sweetest." His mouth worked deliciously on you and as if his tongue wasn't already enough, he slipped a finger into you, fingering at your g-spot.

"Oh!" You writhed around on the sheets, thighs tightly locked around his head, wet hair sticking to your soft skin. He was truly devouring you, like a man who had been malnourished for years, he feasted on you as if you were his last meal. And when you came on his face, he moaned loudly. The orgasm crept on you and hit you out of nowhere, you couldn't hold in the noises that came out of your throat.

You were delirious as you lay there, whining as he continued to finger you. "Fuck... I could eat your pussy all night long, baby," Cillian panted, chin dripping in your juices. "But I've gotta be inside ya."

"I'm... on the pill..." You murmured out, he pulled his finger out of you, sucking it clean as he undid his slacks. He moaned lowly at your words, letting his pants and underwear fall to his ankles. Cillian carried you up until your head rested on the pillows now. It was romantic the way he was handling you, the moment was so intimate as he stroked his cock, lining it up with your wanting hole. "I've thought about this... for so long..." "Me too, baby." Cillian huffed, rolling his eyes back into his skull as he fit the head of his cock into your pussy, pushing the rest in there slowly but surely. You arched your back against him, whimpering as he pressed fully into you. "So good." Cillian groaned as he leaned down and bit down on your lip, pulling it away and watching it pop back into place before properly kissing you. You made out while he remained still inside of you, his hands on either side of your head as your tongues twisted together. The first thrust sent your body into a state of euphoria as he began picking up the pace, rocking his hips in and out of you. Your fingers ran scratches up and down his back. Your bed old and creaky, slamming against the wall as soon as he fucked you hard and fast while remaining still so painfully romantic.

"I love you," You gasped out. "I love you... Cillian!"

"I fuckin' love you so much," His head hung low, and you got the perfect view of him above you. His face flushed and his eyes fixed on your own face full of pleasure. "You're mine, all mine... and I'm yours."

"All mine..." You repeated with a moan, clenching around him, feeling your own high slowly begin to grow.

"You're takin' me so good," Cillian's praise made you throb, his grunting making you gush around him. "My good girl, my best girl."

The look of love in his eyes and in your own could be seen a thousand miles away. Your souls' grand reunion, your bodies becoming one, and your love finally coming out into the open, like a beautiful fruitful spring after a long and dark winter. "I'm close, Cillian."

"Cum around me, love, I wanna feel you come undone." "I want you to cum inside me..." "Fuck," He groaned, hips stuttering into you. "I'll give ya what you want since you asked so nicely." Your vision went white, ears ringing as your hot sweaty bodies pressed together, fitting so perfectly together. Never had anyone made you cum like this before. Your orgasm washes over you in foamy waves, like a stormy ocean hitting the shore over and over and over again. Cillian's rhythm slowed down as he rutted into you, warm cum filling you, and you felt so relieved, this was how it was always meant to be. His lips pressed sloppy kisses to your neck, moaning directly into your ear, both of you riding out your intense highs.

He stilled, letting a bit more of his seed spill into you before he hissed as he pulled out. Cillian lay beside you, wrapping an arm around you as shook softly, still feeling the effects of your own orgasm hitting you. His eyes examined you so gently, a dopey smile on his fairy-like face and his hair beginning to grow curly from how wet it was.

"Cillian..." You whispered, rolling over onto your side to look at him. "I love you." "I love you, kid." He whispered back, holding you like he had the world in his arms. To him, you were his world.

"We'll be okay, right?" "We just... have to keep this a secret... from your parents..." Cillian said, disappointment evident in his voice.

"Yeah... I know..." You pressed your face into his bare chest, loving the warmth. "Cillian... I wish you knew how strongly I felt about you."

"I feel the same way."

You shared sweet nothings with each other. Still, in disbelief, this was actually happening as you fell asleep with smiles on your faces, in each other's arms. Unfortunately in the morning, you'd have to suffer the consequences of your dad walking in on you and Cillian resting peacefully in your bed.

-

hi! sorry this was so long but i hope you enjoyed <3

also sorry if there are any major mistakes!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for lying to my friends and causing someone to end their life?

🫐☎️🧼 

So I can find this later

Trigger warning for suicide. 

In this situation I'm aware I fucked up badly multiple times, but I want to know for sure whether I was in the wrong. I went through the FAQ to check that this submission is okay and sorry if there's something disqualifying it I didn catch!

I (minor) was active in an online group where I made some online friends. The group was for preteens, teens, and very young adults (13-21.) I befriended one person, Blueberry (fake name, because emoji) and we became close over a few months. At one point they admitted they had a crush on me I didn't feel the same, but we agreed to stay friends and it didn't affect the friendship.

One thing about this group is that it was aimed at mental health. Me and this person had similar problems with depression and suicidal thoughts (both actively suicidal) and often talked when one of us was in a dark place. When Blueberry turned 18 things took a turn for the worst. Multiple times a week they had panic attacks (they were in the process of getting diagnosed with OCD and bad intrusive thoughts) or crisis and attempted several times. I got overwhelmed. Instead of establishing a boundary like I should have, I started ghosting them for a few hours if it got too bad. It got to the point I'd log on once or twice a day to check in, but instead of ever chatting, the conversation always ended in their next plan to kill themselves. This one was my fault, as we'd had casual convos about this stuff in the main group. I and others did what we could to help, like providing support and helplines. Blueberry did contact many and it saved them lots. 

By this point Blueberry had done lots of other risky stuff. They lashed out and blocked a lot of mutual friends, made a fake account to pretend to be a young teen at one point (but deleted it when I asked), and other things. I didn't want to lose them as a friend so I covered for Blueberry when it was exposed. I should point out Blueberry was never mean to me they were really nice. They liked to learn about my interests and complimented me and others lots and I tried to do the same (learn about what they liked, tell them I was happy to hear from them, etx)

Obviously people of the group felt betrayed when they found out Blueberry was catfishing them as this younger teen. In Blueberry's own words, I was "the only one they could trust." Blueberry admitted again that they wanted to be more than friends, but since they were now 18 and I was still a few years younger than them I asked to just be friends because the age gap was uncomfy. They were okay with it. The next day, Blueberry said goodbye to me and deleted their account. I was really upset by this and we talked one last time where I wished them well and said how much I'd miss them but didn't think something was seriously wrong because Blueberry and me had discussed them leaving the group before because it was hurting their mental health. 

Later a friend of both Blueberry and me reached out about their behavior the days before they left and some conversations I hadn't seen. All of us are pretty sure they didn't just delete their account—they killed themself. The goodbye message proved this. I was upset and angry that they were dead, said sorry to the group for lying to them about Blueberry catfishing, and left the group.

I think I may be the asshole here because I was really selfish here in not wanting to address Blueberry's really creepy catfishing (pretending to be a young teen, which knowing that they had romantic feelings for me could have led to them befriending people lots younger than them which is bad) because I didn't want to lose the friendship, and also because if I hadn't ghosted Blueberry using mental health as an excuse I don't think they would have killed themselves. If I am the asshole here, what could I do better next time if I have a similar problem again? 

[echoes-in-blue]

Mark Hoffman x Original Character AU - Canon Divergent Story. +18 Readers only.

Summary: What if Mark always had someone behind the scenes, watching his back and helping him out. What would happen after his death and resurrection? When lovers become partners in crime, there will be no stopping their revenge. Tags: Dom/sub, breath play, teasing, language, dirty talk, restraints, spanking, knife play, fear play, injury, gore, violence Notes: This story is fan fiction derived from the universe of the Saw movies and takes place at the end of Saw VI, diverting the canon from there and adding in a bit more of a Hoffman backstory. If you aren't fond of this idea, then feel free to skip. This story is not meant for anyone under the age of 18. Read at your own risk.

Chapter One: Backup Plan

“If you don’t hear from me, by midnight I need you to open this envelope.” “And if I do hear from you?” “Burn it, like the others.” 

Typically, when he left things like that, he did contact her before midnight. It was funny to her that he believed she had no idea what he was doing or where he was going. At first, it hadn’t been so obvious but over time it became clear. Possibly because she was an FBI agent and a profiler. Did he underestimate her ability to figure it out or was he with her because he was very much aware that she knew who he was and what he was doing. The fact that it turned her on even though it shouldn’t and she was just as aware as him that she’d never turn him in. They were in love and had been since well before he’d become the Jigsaw apprentice. Things had only gotten more intense since that point. It was never explicitly stated between them what he was involved in but that didn’t matter. He knew she knew. It was why sometimes when he returned home he still had blood on his clothes, his gloves that gripped her chin so firmly. Forcing eye contact to make sure she knew her place. Sending chills down her spine into her very core, leaving her unable to deny how much she wanted him. He knew that too. 

That night, though, it felt different. The way he told her the instructions. Almost as if he knew that something wouldn’t go right. She wished he’d tell her more, or at least let her help. The thing was that not speaking of these things in detail gave her the plausible deniability she would need should he get caught. The first person they would go to was his wife. Much like they had gone after Jill Kramer. The less she knew, the better she’d be able to fake it when they came around to interrogate her. No matter what, she’d never throw him under the bus. It wasn’t that she was blind to what was wrong with the situation but she could see, through his eyes, why he did what he did. As someone who worked in law enforcement herself it was easier to justify handing out such punishments to criminals who had skirted the law and never learned the value of their lives or impact of their behavior. 

She couldn’t pretend like there weren’t suspects, perpetrators, and guilty men and women she had to deal with every day who she’d like to see maimed in one of those traps. She’d insinuated as much when she could get away with it. While watching the news, making sure to mention to him that some people just deserved what they got. It was not the correct stance for her to take as an agent of the law but nor was it correct for him as a detective so at least they were on the same page. 

As she sat there, the clock ticking down, she realized that he had not contacted her. No text on her phone. The one she had as a burner just for these messages from him. It hadn’t rang either. The midnight hour drew closer, and closer, and when the old clock in their penthouse chimed twelve she knew for the first time she was going to have to open that envelope. It was something that excited her as much as terrified her because she didn’t know what she would find. Obviously, she was the failsafe in all of this and since she was a forensic psychiatrist that also made her a medical doctor. He had her as a life preserver because she could preserve life. She’d treated his wounds before when he couldn’t properly seek care for them lest they raise suspicion with local hospitals as to how he’d gotten them. As an heiress, she had connections and money to buy or find anything he could need to treat and hide the injuries until he was good as new. They were a perfect team because between the two of them they could get rid of anything that they didn’t want seen. 

From the hidden safe in the wall she removed the instructions packet and opened it up. There she found only one thing. GPS coordinates. There was no explanation otherwise. Though he was smart enough to know that she would be aware that this place that he wanted her to go to was dangerous. Not that it mattered, since she always carried her weapon with her now thanks to being an FBI agent. She punched the coordinates into the burner phone and came up with a location. A warehouse in the middle of nowhere just about. Outside of New York City where they lived, near some docks in New Jersey right across the bridge. As far as she could tell, the property had been previously owned by John Kramer. Hopefully, she wasn’t walking into a death trap, nor would she arrive to find Mark’s dead and dismembered body somewhere on the premises. 

“I may hurt you but I will never harm you, do you understand the difference?” He asked as she sat there, hands cuffed behind her back to the post of the bed that they shared. The concept of the dom/sub relationship was one she knew plenty about academically since she worked in sex crimes but she hadn’t put it into practice herself. They’d discussed it here and there but he knew more than she had. Especially that she was ready to start. “Look at me, Leila.” He put his fingers under her chin to lift her head up, forcing eye contact between them. 

“I understand, sir.” She said, “Hurting means pain and temporary suffering but harm would be permanent and detrimental. I trust you not to harm me. I trust you with my life.” 

“Are you sure about that?” He asked quickly pulling a knife from his pocket to flick the blade up and brandish it within her line of sight. “It could be a foolish decision if you aren’t absolutely sure of what you are saying.” 

“I know what I am saying and I know what I want.” She confirmed. He smirked and licked his lips slowly. Bringing the blade down he started to cut away the buttons of her blouse one by one until it fell open, exposing her bra. Then he brought it back up to cut the bra between the cups, splitting it to reveal her breasts. Her heart fluttered in her chest. The adrenaline rush combined with the arousal and the idea that she was completely helpless to his every whim was overwhelmingly erotic. Slowly, he ran the blade over her right breast to where her heart would be positioning the tip there to press into the skin enough to cause pain but not actually pierce it. 

“I could kill you, if I wanted.” He said. 

“But that isn’t what you want.” She replied. He smirked, sliding the knife over her skin enough to leave a scratch but not a cut until he got it to her jugular, resting the blade there where she could feel just how sharp it was against the vital area. 

“What I want is for you to never know what I may or may not do but trust that ultimately this is a game we play and you will not come out of it harmed. As I said before.” He moved the knife from her neck to her lips, pressing the flat of it there. She looked at him, kissing the metal that she was presented with. He laughed softly and folded the blade into the handle before slipping the knife back into his pocket. 

“So you want me to be afraid?” 

“In a sense, yes, but I want you to trust me as well. Expect the unexpected.” He smirked and then pulled her into a hungry kiss. 

She took care to be sure that no one had followed her where she was going. It wasn’t typical that anyone would follow her but she knew there were some eyes on Mark so that meant it was possible that people had eyes on her as well. When she pulled up to the place she found that it was indeed a warehouse. Hopefully, it was not one that involved any of John or Mark’s games. Though she could deal with dead bodies, gore, and mutilation since crime scenes were part of her everyday job, she did not want to leave any evidence that she’d been there. If that were the case. From her back pocket she pulled out a pair of gloves and slipped them on before grabbing onto the handle of the sliding door in front of her. Amazingly, it wasn’t locked, but she knew that potentially could mean bad news as well. She only opened it enough to look inside and then enter before shutting it again. The area was dark but not pitch black and in the back she could see a light, kind of in a corner. 

Pulling her gun, she headed in that direction as quietly as possible, also making sure she wasn’t accidentally going to touch trip wires or step into a trap. This place had to be rigged with them. That much was obvious. She could see all sorts of things that would constitute as evidence from all of the Jigsaw games. When she got closer to the one light that was on she looked through one of the nearby mirrors to see if she could spot anyone in the room as she paused and held her breath. There was a groan and she turned her head towards it. In the corner she saw Mark holding a blood soaked wad of fabric tightly to his face. Holstering her gun, she hurried towards him and got down by his side. 

“Mark, what the hell happened?” She asked. He looked at her, his eyes kind of glossy. There was no way he hadn’t lost a lot of blood but he was still conscious so that was good news in itself. Slowly, he pulled the fabric away from his face to show her that half of his cheek was split open. “Shit. We need to fix this.” He nodded, it was clear why he hadn’t called out to her when she’d arrived she doubted he could do much but groan and scream in that condition. She hurried to look through the warehouse to find something that could stitch his face up. The sooner the better. If he showed up at a hospital like that then he’d be caught immediately. There weren’t any real medical supplies in there, not any that would help with this specific injury but she did manage to find fishing wire and a hook. She could close up the wound and worried about infection later. It wasn’t like it would be hard to get antibiotics. Bringing the supplies over to him she got down and threaded the line through the hook. 

“This is going to hurt a lot, but it will save your life. I can get you antibiotics after if you need them.” She said as she reached to pull his hand away from his face again. He let out a small groan and almost the moment she touched the hook to his skin he yanked away. “Mark, this has to be done now and…what happened to your hand?” She had only just noticed that it was broken, she could see bone. 

“I can do it.” He said, or more accurately she was sure that’s what he meant to say with a huge flesh wound in the side of his face. If he had survived this far he probably could stitch up his own face, she didn’t doubt that. 

“It will be faster if-” 

“I’ll do it.” He snatched the hook away from her and very carefully got to his feet. She sighed, knowing there was no way to stop him from doing something he was determined to do himself. He hobbled over to the mirror she had been looking into before and pulled the lamp closer to it. Then he took in a deep breath and started to stitch up the wound in his face. 

“Do you have any idea what I’m going to do to you now?” He asked. This was after she’d been blindfolded in such a way that she couldn’t see anything. Usually, when people messed around with blindfolds there was a lot of room for error. Letting light in or the ability to look down and see shadows. She wasn’t surprised that he knew what he was doing when it came to this sort of thing. “Answer me.” 

“Anything you want.” She replied, “Master.” 

“That’s a good girl.” He chuckled darkly and patted her on the cheek. She sensed movement around her, first on the bed shifting and then some kind of fabric around her neck. It wasn’t rope, it was something else. Perhaps one of his ties. The weight of the bed shifted again and she was still left sitting there with her arms handcuffed behind one of the posts. There was a pause and she heard a click then felt the cuffs release. There was no moment to recover from this as she was immediately yanked down and out of the bed by the tie around her neck. She yelped as she fell to the floor, with hardly any time to brace for impact. Somehow, she did manage to catch herself but just barely. “Quick thinking, I like that.” 

“Thank you, sir.” She replied. The makeshift leash was tugged on again forcing her to crawl forward a bit then another sharp tug indicated that she needed to stop. She could hear him as he walked around behind her then felt his hands on her hips as he shoved her skirt up to reveal her panties. There was the swish of the blade from the knife popping up and the sensation of cold metal against her inner thighs. She gasped, shivered, and groaned softly as he started to cut the fabric of them away. 

“My pleasure is your pleasure, your pain is my pleasure, anything I want is for me. Anything you are rewarded with, is just that. You have to earn things here, understood?” He asked then without much warning gave her a rough slap across the ass. She squealed and then nodded her head. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“You’re a faster learner. I wonder what else I can teach you.” He said, sounding very amused as she felt his fingers between her legs moving over the wet folds of her cunt. She groaned, knowing she was far more aroused than she should have been given the situation. He continued to tease her perfectly, as if he were playing an instrument that he was a master of. Working her closer and closer to climax before pulling his hand back to give her ass another slap. This was done in such an oddly timed way that she could never predict it and threatened to drive her insane. She didn’t know how long he had kept it up before she lost enough control to scream. 

“Please!” She yelled, “Sir…please…” 

“Do you even know what you are begging for?” He asked, “Fucking tell me what you want, Princess.” She whined and lowered her head, it was humiliating and so very fucking hot to hear him speak to her like that. She licked her lips slowly and took in a deep breath through her nose, letting it out through her mouth. 

“Your cock, sir.” 

“And what do you want me to do with it?” 

“I…I want you to fuck me with it.” 

“Why?” 

“For your pleasure, I…I’m your naughty little fuck toy and I’m only here to serve you.” She breathed, her heart pounding in her chest. 

“That’s what I like to hear.” He chuckled and gave her ass another slap. From behind her, she sensed more movement until she could feel the tip of his cock rubbing against her cunt, teasing and touching in all the right places. As she was about to yell out again for him to just hurry up he thrust into her and she moaned loudly. She’d have collapsed forward except for the fact that he had grabbed the tie around her neck and yanked back, keeping her upright lest she wanted to choke. From there he started to pound into her with reckless abandon. Every so often the fabric around her neck would restrict her airflow then release again. When she could draw breath all she could do was let it out as a moan. He’d never been so primal and dominant with her before, they’d dabbled in it sure but it hadn’t gotten this far. She knew she was already addicted to this and would never want it any other way. “Are you going to cum for me? Huh? You naughty little girl…” 

“Y-Yes…Yes, sir…” She panted, when he allowed her the air to do so. 

“Go on then, cum all over my cock.” He growled. She moaned again, her eyes rolling back in pleasure as his words triggered her climax. He moaned then as well, almost louder than her. The walls seemed to shake with the passion of it and she could nearly feel it vibrating through her as she hit her second climax then a third. Suddenly, the leash around her neck was released. She fell forward, unable to keep her weight up any longer. Then he was on top of her, pulling her close to him as he moved them both onto their side. She could do nothing but lay there basking in the afterglow of her orgasm feeling the rapid beat of his heart against her back. She silently hoped she’d never have to face a moment where such a motion ceased to exist when his blood would eventually run cold. 

“You did a good job.” She said, once he was finished working on his face. It was quite impressive actually. Using just that dirty old mirror and some fishing line. She didn’t think she could have done it to herself even if it also meant the choice between life or death. “I have a first aid kit in my car. I can use that to see what I can do about your hand.” 

“Be quick,” He said, “I don’t suppose you brought any painkillers with you.” 

“Nothing heavier than tylenol but you know we are well stocked at home.” She stroked the side of his face that wasn’t injured and stood up. “Why did you need me to come here, this does seem like something you could have handled on your own.” 

“I could have.” He said, reaching out to take her hand with his good one. He gave it a squeeze, “But that had nothing to do with it.” 

“Then what else could it be?” 

“Things didn’t go exactly according to plan and I’m going to need your help.” He replied, “Get the first aid kit. I'll explain more when you get back.” She nodded, knowing that his immediate care took priority over something he could explain after. If he seemed to think there was time to sit and talk she wasn’t worried about that before making sure he was stable and in as good of health as he possibly could be. As she exited the warehouse again, to get to her car, the gravity of the situation hit her. She had to pause for a moment, catch her breath, and try to stifle the tears that were threatening to fall. In all of this time, though she’d seen him injured, she had never seen him come as close to death as that. She’d also never in her wildest dreams expected for him to say anything about his plans not going as he’d devised them. How bad was it that he wanted her involved? She didn’t know. What she did know was that if someone had done this to him with the intent to end his life, she wanted revenge. Possibly even more than he believed he did at that moment.

[mrbottomhat69]

Evidence as to why I think Sarah x Jareth is one-sided (movie and novelization)

Addressing the massive elephant in the room, I know this is coming out later than I said it would. This semester was full of work and no time to actually sit down and watch the movie, since the only way I could access the movie is through my DVD edition.

Some of the evidence I have overlaps with the movie and novelization, so I'll start with the movie and continue with the novelization

The movie

.whether or not the events of the movie was a dream, Sarah clearly didn't expect anything to happen when she wished Toby away. Once it happened, righting her wrong became the main thing on her mind

.Sarah's stepmom mentions that Sarah should have dates at her age, implying either that Sarah doesn't have a lot of people she's close with besides her family or she's not interested in that kind of stuff

. A lot of the interactions between Sarah and Jareth carry this specific vibe that Sarah is less attracted to him and more trying to impress him like he's some sort of cool, older friend and she needs to prove to him that she's nonchalant and means what she says. The novelization leans into this a little more.

. Exception to the previous is the ballroom scene, where Sarah seems more dazed and confused than anything. She's just kind of going along with wherever and whatever the movement of the crowd leads her to until she realizes what's going on and breaks free.

The novelization

.The first chapter not only adds lore to Sarah's bio mom that was regulated to background details in the movie, but also gives Sarah the characterization of being fascinated by the idea of fame. Also in the first chapter, Jeremy is introduced via flashback/exposition. Who's Jeremy? The guy Sarah's mom left her dad for and Jareth's "real-world counterpart" (though more on that later). He seems aware of Sarah's fascination with fame (both in general and her mother's fame), with it being mentioned within the flashback to Sarah's 15th birthday that "he kidded her that a flashbulb meant they'd be all over the gossip columns the next morning, and all the way home he drove fast, to shake off the photographers, he claimed, grinning" (page 18). Both him and her mom are used to similar kind of stuff, so it makes sense that Sarah would admire having that kind of attention and that her mom would give her the chance to feel like a celebrity for a day as a gift.

.Going off of the above, this passage from page 16:

"Perhaps I will have a date, she thought, perhaps I will, but you will not like it, not one bit, when you see who's dating me. I doubt you will see him. All you will know about it is hearing the front door shut behind me, and you will sneak to the window, as you always do, and poke your nose between those horrid phony-lace curtains you put up there, and you will see the taillights of a wicked dove-gray limousine vanishing around the corner. And after that, you will keep seeing pictures in the magazines of the two of us together in Bermuda, and St. Tropez, and Benares. And there will be nothing at all you can possibly do about it, for all your firm views on bedtimes and developmental psychology and my duties and rolling up the toothpaste tube from the bottom. Oh, stepmother, are you going to be sorry when you read in Vogue about the cosmic cash that Hollywood producers are offering us for-"

She doesn't mention an actual thing about her fantasy boyfriend other than being a celebrity and them becoming the new couple everyone obsesses over (*cough cough* like the way Sarah's mom and Jeremy are described together *cough*)

.On page 65, at the point of the story where Sarah ends up in the oubliette, Jareth reminisces about Sarah and how she's "too young to be kept". Sarah, on the other hand, has no mentioned opinion on him.

.Close to the end of chapter 5, it's noted that Sarah only says "it's a piece of cake" to Jareth's question about how she was enjoying the labyrinth because she's trying to come off as nonchalant and not intimidated

.Honestly, the way the ballroom scene is described in the novelization makes me kind of uncomfortable. The other dancers leer at Sarah in a way that could be interpreted as sexual and one even makes a comment about her beauty after looking at her breasts and hips. She feels dizzy, but it goes away once her and Jareth are dancing together. He leans in to kiss her and she initially embraces it until she notices the room is silent and sees that the other dancers are around the two of them, attempting to hold back laughter. She tries to leave, but she can't and he kisses her in spite of her now being aware of what's going on. Only then does she break the bubble she's in and exits the ballroom scene. The whole point is that Sarah is uncomfortable with a capital U.

Extra point that @thehumantrampoline mentioned that I feel like should be mentioned:

"[Jareth's] an archetypal oxymoron. He's both the dastardly baby-stealing villain and the royal love interest trying to relieve the heroine's suffering, Cinderella-style. He's fucked either way by being both. [Sarah] doesn't know if SHE wants to be the villain or the heroine until he shows up and then she decides on the heroine... [Jareth's] just a story for a teen girl to grow up in, and as the villain [he has] to be defeated. He's so complex because his tropes contradict themselves, and he doesn't understand why he has to lose when he was only doing the job he was given."

(check out their post, it goes into a lot more detail than what I quoted)

Ultimately, this sums up what could be concluded from everything. Jareth isn't a reflection of love or someone she aspired to be with, he's a reflection of her desire of fame and the stories she caught herself up in. She doesn't love him, she loves the story he's a part of.

[floralkittygambler]

Coming and Going - Some More Vivzie Shit

Before you start, this is an extremely LONG read covering this account, my views of Viv, my content and my relationships within this Godforsaken fandom. This is my most up to date thoughts in 2023 on everything. This is something I feel necessary for me to do.

Contents (in no particular order):

Current Situation

Relationships in the fandom

Why I started this Blog

Thoughts on Viv/co and how they've changed since m previous posts

the fans

future thoughts and moving on

accountability

If any of this interests you, read ahead. Titles will be provided for easier following.

Why I started this blog

Originally this was a blog like any other; art, reblogs n shit. As I grew more into a Viv fan, I started posting fanart and follow blogs on her work. The more I learned the more I hated, and thus I began to become a critic. I was pissed off at viv wasting her potential, and eventually I became just as toxic and shitty as both her hardcore haters and majority of her fans. Some takes were good, some bad, either way I got too involved, too absorbed and let it consume me. Stupidly getting into conflicts, stuff like that. And I became a hardcore hater. I vocalised it. My initial aims long lost. Then I disappeared.

Vivzie, co, all that

I went from adoration to disgust of this lot. Now though, whilst I deeply dislike Viv and her crew, deeply dislike majority of the fans, I just feel... Gross. Hollow. Exhausted. I have a lot to say on Viv and my previous takes but truthfully I am too lazy and too tired and ultimately have better shit to do than go through every little thing right *now*. But I do want to at least cover a few here to do some justice, I guess.

So to skim through a few. Lets go.

Viv tracing. Honestly, tracing is a useful skill but it's bad when you trace another's work, don't credit and claim it as your own. This includes modified tracing (starting with a trace then stylising over it to make it more your style). Having nazi, nonce, etc characters I think people take extreme. These sorts make excellent "love to hate them" villains. Owning such characters isn't a crime. It's how theyre portrayed and the purpose. The nuance - something to constantly keep in mind. Her romanticism sausage party art is yikes. With her age, maturity, humour, I believe she saw this as some kind of fucked up humour, having enough awareness to understand the taboo to hide this stuff yet I do feel this was a stupid kid doing stupid edgy shit. Does that make it right? No. But I definitely dont think Viv is some nonce or nazi supporter. Later finding out how this profile was discovered makes me equally question morality on all sides. Vivs beastiality nonce artwork with the snake tub, Ive seen private dms to solidify that viv admitted to both owning this piece and that it was supposed to be a joke. Once again, I genuinely dont think shes a nonce BUT she needs to realise that if that character was below 18, she has drawn child prawn (censorship whooo) as well as distributed it via sharing online. That's still something really serious and gross. I get her humour is immature and dark, but theres lines you dont cross. And I dont find that art funny in any ways, it genuinely looks like a perverts wank bank rather than funny. Idk if the lad was one of them shapeshifting animals either but being in a human form in this instance does make the portrayal a beastiality one, due to human presenting. That's not cool. As much as I loathe those who would abuse kids or animals, I dont think this is Viv necessarily. Though I believe in this sense, Viv needs to understand and work with her cats more. She's done a lot of wrong shit but false accusations derail from solid proven issues that need addressing. At the least, Im glad the animal pervs and nonce stuff is gone. Heartbreaking that shit is so often heard of. This is the sort of thing Id laugh at as a kid but now Im grown and look after little ones, it fills me with nothing but sickening horror. Whilst vile vile vile, I havent seen anything concrete to prove or imply Viv supporting/participating in such depravity. And I fucking pray it stays that way.

You have apologised in the past. But the way you did so, the way you spoke about it afterwards and the way you are now proves it was insincere. Something to shut 'haters' up.

Viv, with all your shit, neurodiversity and late maturity, you're still yet to change for the better. The people you hang with are some of the most vile, toxic, narcissistic and shitty people. Yes men. You hire fans who'll do anything to please you, which can open the path to abuse (note: CAN, not a definitive, though in this case...). You equally are still a shitty person still. You're coming apart at the seams. Critique and hate aren't the same, and unfortunately you'll need adaptability and tough skin in this world as people can be very cruel. You lie. You twist like a constrictor. Charm the more susceptible. A very well known kissarse of yours on twitter who was quite the bully was followed by yourself, liked tweets then hired. They arent the only one either. Whilst you cannot be responsible for every single fans every single action, their are responsibilities you hold. Dont like tweets that encourage hate, dont reward negative behaviours, check your own public actions and how they may influence (act like a prick and those who admire you will mimic). Behind the scenes, treat people right. Dont play favourites. Always have integrity. Learn to incorporate critiques as well as filter out legitimate hate. I know it's not easy, but it's necessary to survive.

Viv, I can wholeheartedly empathise with receiving harsh hate early on in life and online. I know how that can taint and stunt the mind. But the thing is, you have to eventually break from that. BE responsible. Grow. Ive been toxic before. That's partially why I fixate on some of this. Equally Im angry. You ARE a VERY talented artist with potential. A shitty writer, do work on that (as well as diverse stories to tell - gain those experiences or listen to those who've been there - esp as you're doing this as a living) but when you're passionate about a piece, you're talented. And when you're not, you do what we all do and dole shite out (btw people thought I was bullying Viv when I said her P5 Alastor piece was bad in comparison to her other works. The proportions were awful, you could tell she just wanted it out the way. A startling lack of soul.) From what I've seen, you crave approval and admiration to compensate from the past cruelty. I can empathise. But that shit isnt healthy. And you block yourself from growth. You cultivate a tainted crop. You poison yourself. You sacrifice integrity and the gruelling work of improvement for the instant gratification of worship from fans by bending to their desires and your own at the cost of quality. What couldve been groundbreaking storytelling and visuals is nothing more than a glorified low-level fanfic. Wasted potential. Something I cant stand. I have been harsh as that same method helped me. In doing so, I disregarded your own humanity. I wish I conducted myself better and though I never encouraged abuse, I'm sorry that my words may have contributed to this shit cycle.

Your staff and many of your fans have... Concerning attributes, such as the fetishing of toxic relationships, blurred boundaries, disregard of boundaries, etc. The stark numbers of such unpleasant people flocking you is extremely worrying.

I do deeply dislike you. I do feel you have ultimately caused your own shit - been there - but I do pity you as well. I wish you'd go the effort to be you. To be less try hard. To allow growth and change, diversity, stop petting hatred. Get a better crowd, esp one willing to actually help you to be better by pointing shit out. To stop mass abusing others. I do dislike you greatly. I wish you would do better but all you've been doing is doubling down on shit. I feel Icarus needs to fly closer to the Sun for change to happen. It feels like the only way you may actually ground yourself and smell the roses. I just wish folk could be better as a whole. Sick of shit like this. Whilst no one is perfect, there's still standards to uphold. Growth to be had. Breach stereotypes and fetishes that dehumanise, work on yourself and your relationships with others. Careful on your humour and learn how to execute humour properly. Glad you're not doing beastiality art though. You cant please everyone and shouldnt have to in order to be admired and popular. Just be better. Also hating kids isnt a personality. I get not everyone cares about them but dont take shit too far. They can be gross and annoying but in the end they're just... Children. Theyre learning and growing. You can only hope they bloom into decent people. Admittedly a kid tripping is pretty funny but there's a limit. If you want to portray a creep, don't do anything that endorses their behaviours. Theyre vile, remember. No kid deserves that. Work on financing too. Medicating via shopping is a dangerous road. Dont bend to social pressures (such as getting wasted because friends do if you dont want to). Vet your staff. Better ethics.

Fandom

And the fans are just... A minority are lovely. I had a HuskerDust fan be respectful of our differences and hope the best for them. But the majority I've encountered or witnessed have been off their fucking heads. Often encouraged by Viv or staff. The staff and fans are now claiming that critics are homophobic racists falsely (which implies certain races, sexualities, identities, etc are absolved of criticism - which is both favouritism and it's own form of bigotry. Hell, it's spitting on the real victims of such crimes over mediocre cartoons and digital lunacy). These same people then insult people for... being cis and straight. Firstly, that's also bigotry and a dick move on identity and invalidation, it's also false in some cases (proving folks just spew shit), it demands special treatment for identities when we're all equal and deserve to be treated with equity, it's also just... Weak. Bigots can fuck off BUT many critiques have been about inconsistency in plots, writing and design issues, etc. Nothing pertaining identity.

Fans have been hypocritical like their idol. We're all hypocritical to an extent. But the madness... Ok, Blitzo uses retard (note: neurodivergant and have right to say that word, even then it also means delay "fire retardant" as well as where I live it's not nearly as bad as another term used yet is still fine in the US.) I think this isn't an issue as it can show things or speech patterns of the character. Then fans have falsely accused critics of ableism who either havent used the word, quoting this or even have right to say it yet coddle this fictional character. This was referenced in a recent episode with Blitzo about to call another character (rumours are this nurse is autistic but I do NOT have full confirmation. Pinch of salt!) retard before retracting it as it being unacceptable to say. Blitzo really wouldnt give a shit. Likewise I feel this is one of those permanant grey areas in fiction; is it? Isnt it? in terms of using terms. Of Mice and Men used slurs against black folk, that was to reflect that time and the character's mentalities. Not an author's mirror. Likewise, it wasn't used as humour either. Coming from ONE ND, I couldn't care. I feel this is hyperfocused on over more glaring issues, as well as a benefit of the doubt (being character mindset and possibly not author projection). Feel free to have your own opinions, and I only speak for myself there. I can empathise with those who may feel more sensitive to the word (which is why Im more careful in it's use) but as someone who is also technically affected, I just... Personally dont feel too bothered. Likewise, I'm learning to hold more human compassion and flexibility to error and human flaws rather than perfect standards (again, this wont justify or absolve. And more serious things like an assault doesnt apply. It's daft this needs clarifying, it should be the bare minimal). Not everyone will agree on everything, but there's just some lines that should be a standard. I think the staff and fans overall conduct themselves immaturely, cruelly, and cause harm.

I regret in engaging in some arguments. Not worth it. I think I shouldve been more compassionate to difference yet equally not been so volatile with harassment. HunterGirl's HD discord hate on me is... Something I shouldn't have fed. Hate me, that's fine. But the fact someone so close to Viv allowed the harassment is disappointing and shitty. Bitch behind the scenes but dont go out at people. Likewise behind the scenes talk, dont threaten folk either *Viv* (at one of your ex-staff). Call someone the biggest wanker you know but there are limits you dont cross. As with Viv and co, I once hoped for improvement but I just lack faith in that now and I'd just rather stay away from it all. Too much toxicity I've allowed myself to bathe in and hatred and venom only burns. Only burns more of the same product. It's not worth it. Don't even have the skills or assets to do any good from this either. If I can't help, itd be best to support those who can help whilst staying away from the vitriol. Stick to the facts and my own integrity. It's tiring to be involved in all... this. Again, I can only speak on myself hence why I'm only saying me shit. Any vents can be done to friends but otherwise none of this has resulted in any good. And I contributed to cruelty as well. It aint right.

Friendships

Bit more personal and past. Ive made many nice friends. Friends Im still friends with now, and I thank them. With certain issues arising, theyve been the anchors to ground and account me. Real friends. Friends that deserve to be shown more how appreciated they really are. Thank you. They have guided me into better awareness and accountability. We have our own little group now for art, gaming and hopefully any other group activities. Friend stuff. We'll rant, we'll vent, but we're actually doing friend shit now. Ive hyperfixated enough on negatives. Dragged others into an abyss with me. Its not fair for them.

There is a friend here, I think they dont see my stuff anymore idk. I was warned about them. Through all Ive seen and my experiences, I wish you to get help. Get off tumblr. Get off twitter. Both can be extremely toxic as well as cultivate toxicity. Be accountable. Get help. And focus on you. I still worry for you, though I am disgusted on some of your actions. Treat the living with respect. Learn that people will try to bait you. Let go of paranoia (not easy), confront your past and grow. And please... Dont lie. Dont lie about events that occur as you're creating your own misery. Learn to step back and not be so forceful and preachy. Been there, it's not a good place. Experience a diverse crowd on a human level. And please spend some time away from the internet. People really can be pricks sometimes. Even ourselves. You're also pretty hair trigger and tempered. A bit like me sometimes LOL. Learn to balance that. Trust me.

To mates on here who Ive only spoken to here, if you'd still like to be mates, I can link you our group if you're up for group art and gaming or activities, or to another social media account to chat.

To unanswered asks, I'll try but not promise to address them. Those which ended up deleted, I can only remember the one question sorry. And the answer is Sitri. Sitri would be a good HB replacement for Stolas, he's quite the love/lust expert and a focus on men. Fun chap! I had more for this answer but again, cant be arsed with this shit anymore. Sorry.

I joined a spindle critique group. What I learned is the union from bitterness isnt solid grounds for friendship. I wont go into details as it's a private and resolved matter. I shared the full log to current friends to have a neutral and raw take. These are friends I can trust will yank my chain if Im in the wrong. And they did. They spoke of the wrongs on both sides. These are folks who are guiding me to better. Folks I have trusted with the full log, full transparency. I appreciate you both and take your words into stride daily. To old friends, I would rather friends make their own choices. I never hated you, but was hurt on this other side of you. Likewise Im sorry to make you feel that way. Im sorry to have trauma dumped (recently discovered this term, and using it to manage myself better.) There was only one individual that I was given uneasy vibes on and made that clear from the start. I tried with them. For awhile, I even started to see them as a genuine friend. In the end, we were too clashing. We didn't mesh well. My initial feeling on the situation ultimately felt true. But when I open up about home issues and emotions, I dont want them weaponised. Especially as Ive been doing some irl work to find many holes in my perspective as well as others hard work in being involved with me. Things are different now. Never felt it needed in convo, I was too fixed on my own hurt. Home was self preservation at those times. I regret opening up over some personal issues. None of this absolves me of poorly handling situations and anger issues. Near the end, I felt more wary to be more open on certain things. But I shouldve been a better friend. I never liked how catty things got. Trolled. We all just became knobs in one way or another.

My ask to remove my triggers was me hoping to do good for you. Remove a trigger that would inevitably end up being a large part of the group sooner or later, maybe this summer. Especially as I 'lacked empathy'. I thought I was doing good. I never lied about it, and feel bitter that was twisted. If I explained something, I was wrong. Kept it brief, I was bitchy. I was willing to endure a trigger if it made things easier in the group, and the situation was more than a stupid ship. Ive had triggers Ive adapted to handle better now. And public, you are not entitled to my medical history however we're in an age where youre both valid and entitled to privacy yet must breach privacy to have a voice. I have an ED. A certain word wasn't even allowed in my presence without panic and flashbacks. I was a little girl then. And I managed to slowly ease the trigger word via gradual exposure - a replacement word, spelling the word, and eventually hearing the word. It - and what it has done to me - will always scar me. But I learned to handle it better in my own time. I dont need lecturing on how triggers work. Especially when each case is unique, each 'cure' is personalised. If you want to believe Im full of shit then... Do that. Im sorry for being a shitty friend at times and Im working on that, but outside opinions (note: these are done in private spaces so all parties are anon) have noted flaw on your end too. We all fucked up. The two things below the belt were the trigger claims (hence my example of my own experiences with another trigger) and my private issues shared in confidant are the two things I remain disgusted by. That doesnt justify my frustrations, dumping or behaviour. And my example is not a pity ploy either. We're separate now, and it's best that way.

Overall, being here, in this community and fandom, has done nothing but shit. Fuelled the worst in me and others (from what ive seen in public fandom spaces). I may do art and other creative endevours on spindle, but otherwise good riddance. Even if the purge is painful.

Another friend. Im in their group too. One to improve some creative skills. Appreciate being let in there, though I'll probably mainly lurk for tips. Thank you for allowing me to do so. Wording is honestly growing harder for me each day. It's helping me start the path of better expression.

Current and future

I word shit less. Not here, as this is long overdue. But trying to sum up more efficiently. Spending more time irl to improve myself and my life. Welcoming friends who we both can hold each other accountable and support. Focusing more on stuff to improve as well as enjoy. The world is so dismal. So I spend time doing other stuff. Im already mopey enough. Sorting things to refine and focus on enjoyments. Gaining skills to help others. Experienced some personal griefs/losses. And Im learning that people arent entitled to everything. Not quite there yet but Im learning. Im often in deep pain, so cant always do what I want to get done in a day.

Most likely, I will discontinue this. Besides others have been doing a brilliant job. Dont absorb yourself. You can control much of what you get exposed to, so what you can control, make it good! Have integrity, work on yourselves. Try not to be a dickhead but acknowledge where you are a dickhead and work on that. Balance is key to a healthy mind, take the good with the not so good. Take the time to simply sit outside and observe. Appreciate life. Similarities and differences. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. But have your standards. Learn. Grow.

Im in a lot of pain and have shit to do. Take care. I feel Viv, co, fans will only learn with drastics, haters need to learn empathy (haters as in stalker level folk), old friends Im sorry to hurt and equally feel hurt by. Best we've gone separate ways and moving on. Current friends I appreciate. That one person, please... PLEASE get help. Youre young, man- This shit is going to poison your very core. Make you into something shitty and cruel. And please treat animals with care. Me, still a twat but trying. Embrace truth, compassion and fairness with a firm angle. Or just avoid nasty shit.

Well, cya. Stay well. We're not going to be here forever.

[nexusvcrti]

HOPE AND HER AGE

I played kinda fast and loose with Hope's age on my prior blog but I'm realizing that I'm a dates autistic girlie so now that I've hammered out how the timeline works for my portrayal, I'm going to definitively say that Hope is canonically 18 years old when she has her first death and goes full tribrid. By the time she returns from her self-imposed post canon exile, she is at least mentally 21 years old.

However, I think it's important that she stays physically 18 for a couple of reasons (both OOC and IC).

Hope's entire life, she's had to grapple with being sheltered by the people around her (while also simultaneously held out as the chosen one, don't ask). A part of that has to do with her youth and innocence, especially in comparison to the centuries the Mikaelsons have been living through and Hayley's own difficult history. She's never had to worry about not having a roof over her head or where her next meal is coming from. She's never had to fear being hurt at their hands. As many other struggles that Hope does have in her childhood, she is largely shielded from these things and it shows in her worldview.

I think it's fascinating to explore the idea of an immortal being in the body of someone who is functionally viewed as a child in some spaces and as an adult in others. Legally, Hope is an adult on paper but there will always be people in her life who view her as a naive 18 year old teenager. She could be 3000 years old and people will still be ragging on teenage girls. Already, she's feeling the dissonance of being seen as a child in some ways while acting as the adult in many situations, and that would be amplified, the larger that gap grows. This allows for deeper complexity when it comes to relationships (both platonic and romantic).

Tungl is super weird about teenagers having sex now so consider this a heads up if you've made it this far. Hope will have relationships and she will have sex, and she will be doing it in her physically 18 year old body. It may not be explicitly referred to or written out on the dash, but everyone should just be aware it's happening so if you're going to be weird about it, you should probably leave bc we're not going to get along. Also I'm going to SUPER side-eye you if you are weird about this but also ship anything with Caroline or Stefan, considering they're both physically 17.

The angst of knowing you're going to stay young and beautiful forever while you outlive pretty much everyone around you even if you'd give it all up in a heartbeat for one more moment with them.

Hayley was not that much older than her when she had Hope/became a hybrid. Hope is honestly relieved that she didn't die physically older than her mother. She just feels like that would be wrong.

[ghostcaterwaul]

Overview of My OCs

Putting this under a read more thing because it’s… pretty long even though it’s not even their full bios.

Btw, I'm aware that some of the faceclaims are problematic people, I chose those faceclaims without knowing they were problematic but that's just... How those characters permanently look in my head now so I'm really sorry if some of my faceclaim choices bother people but I'm not likely to change them.

A Chaotic Love (Working Title)

Mallory Blythe A sheltered 18-year-old with a strict religious upbringing. Jeremy’s love interest.

Jeremy Wolfe Typical damaged bad boy with a dark past from the wrong side of town. Mallory’s love interest.

Suburban Secrets (Working Title)

Lieselotte “Lottie” Moon Impulsive and arrogant teenager. “Not like other girls”.

Heloise Moon Lottie’s younger sister. Super smart. In all AP courses.

Devyn and the Roses (Working Title)

Devyn Valentyne Electro-glam punk vocalist and guitarist. Levi’s love interest.

Levi Rose Glam goth Bassist. Devyn’s love interest.

Natalie Rose Goth girl. Keyboards/synths/drum machine. Levi’s sister. Is super possessive of him.

Untitled Occult Detective Series

Elliot Alexander Non-binary punk sci-fi nerd. Saw a UFO when he was 12. Wesley’s significant other.

Wesley Williams Indie emo hipster hacker. Sees dead things. Caffeine addict. Elliot’s boyfriend.

The 100 OCs

Misty Sawyer One of the 100. Arrested for attacking her abusive father. Sweet soft fragile bean. Has Classical-Like Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Has AUs for multiple fandoms. (Faceclaim: Katie Jane Garside [in the 90s])

Liam Thorne Misty’s best friend. One of the 100. Arrested for helping her hide after she attacked her father. The therapist friend. Has a Z Nation AU and a Stranger Things AU. (Faceclaim: Landon Liboiron)

Elijah Stone One of the 100. Arrested for vandalism. Rebellious, hyper, a bit chaotic. Has AUs for multiple fandoms. (Faceclaim: Dominic Harrison AKA Yungblud)

Nimue kom Floukru Born Storm kom Azgeda. Was too soft and precious for the Ice Nation. led to join Floukru and changed her name to Nimue as a way of running from her past. Became a healer after joining Floukru. (Faceclaim: Lily Rabe)

Z Nation OCs

Vixen Ran away as a teen before the apocalypse. Did some illegal stuff to survive like selling drugs and firearms with an abusive boyfriend. Also has done survival sex work. She was working as a stripper when the apocalypse hit. (Faceclaim: Kaya Scodelario)

Riot O’Reilly Grew up with an artist for a mom and a biker for a dad. Dad died in a motorcycle accident when they were 5 years old. was the singer in a touring DIY queerpunk band called Rotten Rainbow Warhead Dolls From Planet 420 and was playing a show when the apocalypse hit. Dyes their hair as often as they can with whatever they can find (even if it’s not exactly hair safe, has even used sharpie ink) to maintain a sense of normalcy. (Faceclaim: Bex Taylor-Klaus)

VTM PCs

Izzy Strange A Malkavian glitter punk vocalist with BPD and substance addiction.

Sybil Kross A Malkavian artist with PTSD and abandonment issues. (Faceclaim: Kimberly Freeman)

Multifandom OCs

Jet Gray Goth boy. Videographer. (Faceclaim: Kett Turton [as Clive Webb in Gypsy 83])

Olivia “Olly” Gray Jet’s younger sister. Goth girl. Plays guitar. (Faceclaim: Heather Baron-Gracie)

Leo Anderson A survivor of institutional abuse. drug dealer. Sings and plays guitar. Lives out of his car and often couch surfs. (Faceclaim: Colson Baker AKA Machine Gun Kelly [as Wes in Roadies. If you can find me a faceclaim with that exact hair and MGK's jawline, I might change this faceclaim tbh because I cannot stand MGK now. I've learned too much.])

Emily Walsh Musician. Had to play marriage counselor for her parents from a very young age. (Faceclaim: Tessa Violet [specifically with pink hair])

Other Fandom OCs

Ophelia Power Rangers in Space OC. Purple ranger. Space sorceress born on planet Xoia. Has an otherworldly feline creature from her home planet as a pet named Indigo. (Faceclaim: Sóley Sigurþórs)

Deirdre Doyle The Originals OC. Witch. Lots of trauma. (Faceclaim: Kat Dennings)

Other OCs

Adelaide St. Claire Louisiana Creole trans woman living in New Orleans. Voodoo practitioner. (I’m currently researching everything to do with Voodoo and plan on hiring a sensitivity reader for whichever work I include her in. I promise I won’t fuck it up!)

Astrid Shelley Old lonely widowed witch that lives in the woods on the edge of town. Agoraphobic. Has a familiar, a black vulture named Edgar. (Faceclaim: Anna-Varney Cantodea)

Luca Giger 400 year old vampire. Was sex trafficked at the age of 12, is now voluntarily a full-service sex worker. Was bitten at 20 years old by a client. (Faceclaim: Bartek Borowiec)

Arthur Julius “AJ” Montgomery III Dark academia OC. Artist, writer, musician, stoner. (Faceclaim: Timothee Chalamet)

Stitches the Carnie Ghoul (CW: Horror OC. Proceed with caution) Murderous people-devouring necrophiliac. Keeps some of her victims’ corpses as dolls that she has tea parties with inside her circus tent. (Faceclaim: Peggy Giggles)

Jezebel Bathory A succubus. (Faceclaim: Rose McGowan)

Gwendolyn Lightweaver An angel turned human as a punishment. (Faceclaim: Katherine Shepard AKA Sylvaine)

Ozraphaeus “Ozzy” Embershroud A demon with a pet hellhound named Mordred. (Faceclaim: Ville Valo)

Willa Meadowsong Faerie OC. Seelie court (Faceclaim: Tori Amos)

Gossamer Greywood Faerie OC. Unseelie court. (Faceclaim: Xilmordas)

Alice Hansen An artist, writer and multi-instrumentalist who struggles with undiagnosed mental illnesses and substance abuse. (Faceclaim: Holly Henry)

[pocket-poly]

Therapy Unpacking Rambles

All my life I have been in what felt like a position to prove myself worthy of respect and at best equal treatment.

Primary caregiver to my sister from age 12.

I was 14 and having to navigate and educate myself for complex medical treaments, self advocate and also make it to and from them.

At 15 fought in court for my own custody be placed with my father and removed from my mother. Then dropped out of schoool and had to fight the district to allow me to come back. And finished ...which i did on time.

At 16 i met my husband and became full time caregiver of two kids who would become my daughters (stepkids) raised babies while i myself was young i had to present myself as responsible and worthy of respect as the adult parent in these 2 preschool kids lives while i was all of maybe 18. This age discrimination with teachers and staff lasted all they way into highschool.

I fought in court for custody placement for my girls who i got joint custody before even legally married to my husband.

I have been the sole advocate for my health in terrifying medical situation

I have been the sole advocate for my son who has autism.

I have been actively in therapy for 5 years and did one year in marriage therapy too.

I've HAD to be an emotionally self aware and put together self efficient human for so long, because everyone ive ever counted on has let me down out hurt me in some way.

I've done a lot of work in therapy. Thankful so fucking thankful for mike and the 5 years of work he's helped me with. We joke he my longest poly relationship.

Any how. Tonight while at therapy he says wow i cant wait to hear whats going on your simply glowing. I blushed being called out like that because ya i got NRE.

We unpack my comets exit (breakup w/ seahorse), how im still healing from the end of my 3 year relationship (with stitch) and how that friendship is working out, how my reconnecting with a friend/ex (bubblebee) that i have missed dearly and the feelings that come with that, and the new person in my life (redgrasshopper) the last 4mths.

While i gushed about redgrasshopper to my therapist he noticed i was slightly dismissive of how great I'm feeling, being treated, and the way things (big topics like boundaries) are openly being talked about in this new beginning. These are all such huge wins yet Im waiting to find the big bad thing that make all this have to end.

Could everything be a lie, a veto by his wife as soon as i let my gaurd down, am i being gas lit and love bombed.

But why? This human has done nothing wrong.

Because

~`▪︎•°trauma °•▪︎`~

I've been rug pulled, gas lit, love bombed. I have had people show up with flowers and tell me they value my time and energy and plan magical dates to watch the full moon on the lake to only find out everything about them was a lie. I've been Veto-ed a few times, blindsided by it.

I'm 37 y.o and I dont know how to let a human open doors for me without feeling completely guilty or awkward, not to mention being utterly unaware hes trying to. Someone who Opens my car door. Pulls out my chair. Brushes my hair out of my face when the wind picked up. Turn my necklace clasp to thr back of my neck. Picks food places from my likes needing little input because hes remembered what ive told him before. Asks me about my chronic health and mental health daily to genuinely know how to best offer support to me. Asks me what i have done for myself today as a reminder that i need to slow down And take care of me not what i DID because he already knows i handle it all. Builds up my self esteem as a whole while not focusing on physical compliments but making me feel appreciated as a whole. And i cant even begin to explain how he quiets my mind.

I've been with my husband for 20 years. Hes never been that kind of human and probably never will be. And thats okay thats not the kind of relationship we have. finding out at 43 hes autistic made a lot of the first 18yrs make so much more since. We are happy in our own ways.

But i find I'm smitten with redgrasshopper and it scares the crap outta me. Because it feels too good to be true.

My daughter tonight said "mom, Just because your not use to it doesn't make it wrong or fake regardless of what tomorrow hold, this human made you smile, feel loved and appreciated today. Accept that gift, because your worth it. And tomorrow they decide again how they wanna show up for you and you have to decide to accept it again. " she said thats what i told her when she struggled being treated right by her now fiancé. Funny how that came back around.

It looks like i have some old wounds with some left over splinter to work thru. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

[chishiya-of-diamonds]

what are your character's kinks?

I’m going to put a disclaimer here because this is, in fact, very explicit. But given the nature of your question, Anon, I’m sure that’s to be expected.

NSFW/18+ ONLY: DO NOT READ ON IF YOU ARE NOT OVER THE AGE OF 18!

This is a worthwhile question. However, I’m not sure you will be satisfied with my answers.

Given that my sexuality/sexual proclivities are not what most people are used to, this will either be entertaining or boring for those that read it.

Being asexual, and, more specifically, placiosexual (Placiosexual is a micro-label on the asexual spectrum defined as someone who enjoys performing sexual acts for other individuals but does not want them reciprocated. Placiosexual individuals may be sex neutral or sex repulsed when it comes to having sexual acts performed on them), my answer is going to be based on what I prefer to do for my partner, rather than what I would like done for me.

Though I’ve only had 2 partners that resulted in sexual relationships in the past, I became aware with both of them that there were things that gave me a sense of satisfaction when I did them for my partner. I suppose I could say that I “got off” while performing these acts for my partner- though this should not be misinterpreted as me having orgasmed as a result. Though I do believe it left me with the same intrinsic gratification one feels emotionally after having an orgasm.

Let’s get to what you actually want to know:

•Exploring my partner’s body- every inch of it, in an agonizingly slow manner, with great attention to detail- is my very favorite activity when it comes to sex. My sole focus is pleasing my partner. Therefore, locating their most sensitive areas and figuring out exactly how to touch them (there are so many variables; exhaling a warm breath, the gentle glide fingertips, softly touching lips to skin, anything from a light nip to a strong bite with teeth, drawing a trail or lingering on one spot with the tongue, tapping the tip of my cold nose to sensitive flesh, lazily blowing cool breath on a certain spot to provoke a shiver, slowly dragging strands of my hair over the curves of my lover’s body- and these are only the basics) to produce the desired effect is my first priority.

•Watching and listening. The acts listed above do nothing for me if I’m not paying attention. I watch my partner very closely for their reactions to how I touch them and I listen carefully to my partner’s every sigh, moan, and gasp. Hearing my partner make some of the most unusual and haunting sounds I’ve ever encountered gives me a sort of heady buzz. I’m fairly certain this sort of behavior would classify me as having a bit of the voyeurism kink.

•Oral fixation with a twist of possible body worship. My second sexual partner was a woman. She teased me relentlessly, telling me I had a serious talent for body worship (though the first time she brought it up, she referred to it as “pussy worship”). Apparently, it’s not “normal” to go down on a woman for an entire night, gifting her with a dozen or so orgasms. She assured me this was not her way of complaining, she was simply exhausted by the end of the evening.

She often called me a “pussy hound”, which I mistakenly thought was meant to imply that I was promiscuous. When she explained herself, she meant that I was always after her in an effort to “eat her out” (that is such a crass expression, no?). Though I honestly can’t say she was wrong.

To clarify, hers was the only pussy I’ve ever…hounded after.

Well, that’s a lot of very intimate information about me, isn’t it? I hope you find my answer to your satisfaction.

-SC.

[slow-dieve]

it ends with us

— i don't understand why people are so bitchy over this book. while i understand why people dislike colleen hoover as she's a terrible person in itself along with her writing, the only thing i found wrong about her regarding books is that her writing is terrible and some of the lines are fucking stupid like that one about a baby's balls. i do not condone colleen hoover in any way but IEWU, being my first ever book, my opinion is obviously not very reliable and i've DEFINITELY read better books. HOWEVER, the overall message of the book was for a good cause as it spreads awareness for domestic abuse and the writing wasn't as bad as people described it to be (keep in mind this was my first book so i didn't have a clear definition of what book was good or not) and overall, i feel people have made this book look wore than it is. though, i do agree that i dislike how atlas was 18 and lily was like... 15?? 16?? when they first became intimate so i understand completely if that's why people dislike the entire book but it's REALLY not as bad as other people make it out to be. while i'm not a literacy genius and my viewpoint may be influenced by the fact that i don't remember much from the book and i didn't have much disdain for it when i first finished it, i think the book wasn't good but it wasn't the WORST of what colleen has written.

it starts with us

— i honestly don't remember much from the book but i do know that atlas and lily end up dating and shit and i thoroughly enjoyed that because it seemed wholesome to me. i don't really have a grasp on why people dislike this sequel so much?? as i said, i'm not a literacy genius so my opinion isn't supposed to be the absolute truth of what this book is bc that, quite literally, is what an opinion is defined as.

no longer human

— quite a jump here, i know. but i used to read this book before i went to bed because the size of it wasn't really intimidating and so i enjoyed it. however, i would leave the book once i had felt sleepy which means i most likely didn't comprehend what i was reading since the writing wasn't as plain as such like colleen's or anything, and so i couldn't really grasp the concept of what NLH was about and what the words were talking about. i STILL don't understand the plot up 'til now, and i wish i could've read it properly, which would've been when i could understand his writing more. however, i did feel connected to the protagonist regarding his need to entertain with learned jest. but, that's pretty much it.

the picture of dorian gray

— this book was very hard for me to read bc i wasn't used to such writing yet but i did end up finishing it. i couldn't enunciate my hunger for beauty more if i don't use dorian gray, par exemple. i found the concept of the aging painting very interesting, and the way dorian would describe how the painting would change overtime was always eerie. i honestly laughed at some parts of the book more than i truly felt connected to it, and overall it was an interesting read.

the secret history

— my view of life changed when i finished this book. i immediately felt connected to richard papen with his need to try and fit in with this 'high society' regarding the small circle he was confronted with. and honestly, all the entire debaucherious acts that were performed throughout the book were unfathomable and there were numeeous levels of disgust that i had experienced while reading this book. i loved each of the characters so much and i love how donna tart wrote the characters and richard's POV. i felt as though the pace was perfect (contrasting the opinion of many), but i think the amount of time i read the book had influenced that opinion bc i finished it in 3 days, so i never really paid mind to the pace. i've always loved books set in school and had that academia atmosphere to it, so TSH was a joy to read. the way the circle's lives were all so tragedious really made me uncomfortable, thinking about how they had to move forward with the murder they all had decided to partake on, and rightfully so. despite never being caught, they were never free from the blood on their hands. francis and richard never being able to explore their desires KILLEDDD me but, hey, the book was great in itself. the characters all scared me in their own ways, and that ominous feeling will always stay present alongside my love for TSH.

twisted love

— no words and no being if not myself will ever be able to fathom my utter disdain over this entire series. i had decided to humor booktok, believing i was about to read one of the most compelling and interesting books with, of course, a reasonable amount of smut, but i was greeted with nauseating descriptions of bodies and passages from aroused individuals every two syllables. while i appreciated the ACTUAL interesting storyline regarding the family thing, everything was just about sex once the entire conflict had been solved and subsided. ana huang's writing is decent but not eye-catching at all. while there were certain passages i'd chuckle on, everything else left me depraved of an actual storyline.

twisted games

— ana huang managed to convince me that she could actually write a good book with this one. while i wanted to slit my throat everytime there was a horny line and MORE descriptions of bodies, the plot was interesting. while it was extremely unrealistic and i had to force my eyes open to continue reading and EVERYTHING was so goddamn stupid, i liked the parts where the FMC would use her position as princess → queen. everything else was so goddamn demented it's insane. no, i don't think the FMC would be able to strut in her castle and sit down for a meeting with all these royal douchebags and i CERTAINLY don't want to hear about the extremely unnecessary sideplot of someone recording FMC and MC's sextape. everything about this series is so stupid

twisted hate

— this is by far the worst book in the series. no, it's not because it's extremely boring (i am currently 45% finished) or bevause they both don't have occupations like being a fucking queen, knight, ceo, whatever whatever, it's the writing. i was actually very enthusiastic over this book because the FMC reminded me of my first ever oc because they shared similar attributes (red hair, brown eyes, the personality, law student) and the MC was a doctor with a charming demeanor, but NO. the book was instantly ruined for me the first time i saw the adjectives used for the FMC. are u fucking forreal? jessica rabbit? the constant mention of her double d's and big, brown eyes? i will fucking end someone's life oh my god. i can't even finish this book anymore bc the plot is so basic and overused. FMC and MC have a FWB relationship, they get all tsundere w eachother, then they end up dating and continue having lame heterosexual intercourse for the rest of their life. is this supposed to be interesting???? i love that they're both determined and intelligent colleagues with bright futures but this book holds no interesting plot whatsoever. the constant sexualization in each of these books make my stomach churn AND IT SHOULDN'T, because i was aware this entire series basically relied on smut, but it's just so fucking bad. ask me what my rating is from 1-10 and i'd tell you it's the same amount of autism i have. IT'S NOT EVEN IN THE RANGE, THE SPECTRUM, IT'S HORRIBLE. IT'S ALL HORRIBLE. NONE OF THESE BOOKS IN THIS GODFORSAKEN SERIES HAVE ANY SORT OF MEANINF WHATSOEVER. THIS ISN'T LITERATURE, THIS IS AN INSULT TO THE EDUCATION I WAS PROVIDED WITH WHICH GRANTED ME THE ABILITY TO READ. MEDIA LITERACY IS A JOKE IF THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO INDULGE IN. THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DEFINE AS A GOOD, WELL-WRITTEN SERIES? DOES A HARD DICK MAKE YOUR LITERACY FLY OUT YOUR PANTS? WHERE ARE YOUR EYES, DEMENTED LITTLE BOOKTOK BRAINROTTING FUCKS???????

if you could see the sun

— the only thing interesting in this book is the sideplot regarding their family and sun yan's background. this should not be classified as a book about academic rivals TO LOVERS, THEY JUST GIVE EACHOTHER A PECK. AND WHY WAS ALICE'S DISAPPEARING QUIRK NEVER EXPLAINED???? AND WHY DID THE BOOK PROCEED SO QUICKLY???? WHAT EVEN WAS THE PLOT???? all this book does is describe how perfect the golden boy MC is and how he beats FMC anyday, everyday, and that he's suuuuuuuch a great coder, business negotiator, and a family man. SHUT THE HELL UP. why is the MC so hyped up for having the BLANDEST PERSONALITY I'VE EVER COME ACROSS???? YOU'RE ASIAN! YOU'RE NOT WHITE! WHY IS YOUR PERSONALITY COMPOSED OF TRAITS WITHOUT ANYTHING INTERESTING TO ADD ONTO IT!??? sure you have this little heart2heart with alice about your background but that's literally it. you stay a borinf ass character for the rest of the book and everybody sucks your dick for that???? FUCKING CHRIIIISTTTTTT EVEN BOOKS WON'T LET ME ESCAPE THE REALITY OF HOW OUR SOCIETY FUNCTIONS. sun yan is an interesting character AND YET, EVEN SO, SHE ENDS UP BEINF BORING ASWELL. FINE! GO BE WITH YOURSELVES TOGETHER. YOU'RE ONLY WITH EACHOTHER BECAUSE BORINF BITCHES STICK TOGETHER RO MAKE UP FOR THE LACK OF PERSONALITY THEY HAVE. TRUST ME, TWO PLAIN BITCHES CAN'T MIX TO GROW A PERSONALITY TOGETHER. YOU ARE RUBBING FLOUR TOGETHER IN HOPES OF MAKING COCAINE. AND NOT TO MENTION THE ABSOLUTELY HORRIBKE WRITING OF ANN LIANG. I MAY BE EXAGGERATING BECAUSE IT'S REALLY NOT THAT BAD, BUT IT'S NOT VERY COMPELLING EITHER. THIS IS ANA HUANG ALL OVER AGAIN. FUCK THIS LITERACY.

[donttalkaboutmemes]

The Emperor’s New Groove (2000) Sentence Meme

Under the cut you will find 140+ sentences from The Emperor’s New Groove to use for your enjoyment!      

1.      “Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh?”

2.      “This is his story. Well, actually, my story.”

3.      “I was the world’s nicest guy, and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe?”

4.      “Oh, ho! Look at me! That’s me as a baby!”

5.      “This is the real me. Not this. This.”

6.      “See this palace? Everyone in it is at my command.”

7.      “You threw off my groove!”

8.      “I’m sorry, but you’ve thrown off the emperor’s groove.”

9.      “Your highness, it’s time for you to choose your bride.”

10.   “Trot out the ladies. Let’s take a look.”

11.   “Let me guess, you have a great personality.”

12.   “What is he babbling about? He’s like the thing that wouldn’t shut up.”

13.   “Let me show you the people responsible for ruining my life.”

14.   “Don’t be fooled by the folksy peasant look.”

15.   “Don’t throw off his groove!”

16.   “Beware the groove!”

17.   “You see what I mean? This guy’s trouble!”

18.   “Check out this piece of work.”

19.   “It is no concern of mine whether your family has…what was it again?”

20.   “You really should have thought of that before you became peasants.”

21.   “The nerve of some of those peasants, huh?”

22.   “I’m the emperor and you’re the emperor’s advisor. Remember that?”

23.   “I was only dealing with meaningless peasant matters.”

24.   “Look at these wrinkles. What is holding this woman together?”

25.   “Whoa! No touchy!”

26.   “How else can I say it? You’re being let go, your department’s being downsized, you’re part of an outplacement. We’re going in a different direction. We’re not picking up your option. Take your pick, I got more.”

27.   “I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for many years.”

28.   “Hey, hey everybody hits their stride. You just hit yours 50 years ago.”

29.   “You are just the man I wanted to see.”

30.   “Word on the street is you can fix my problem. You can fix my problem, can’t you?”

31.   “Are you aware of just how important your village is to the empire?”

32.   “You got a pretty sweet little setup there on top of that hill, don’t you?”

33.   “My family has lived on that hilltop for the last six generations.”

34.   “When the sun hits that ridge just right, these hills sing.”

35.   “Isn’t it great? It’s my birthday gift to me.”

36.   “Let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word and your town will be destroyed.”

37.   “He can’t get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is?”

38.   “With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I’ll take over and rule the empire.”

39.   “The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.”

40.   “Pull the lever! Wrong lever! Why do we even have that lever?”

41.   “I’ll turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea, and then I’ll put that flea in a box. And then I’ll put that box inside of another box, and then I’ll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives I’ll smash it with a hammer!”

42.   “I’ll just poison him with this.”

43.   “Our moment of triumph approaches!”

44.   “Oh, right. The poison. The poison for [NAME]. The poison chosen specifically to kill [NAME]. [NAME]’s poison. That poison?”

45.   “A few drops in his drink, then I’ll propose a toast, and he will be dead before dessert.”

46.   “Let’s get to the grub. I am one hungry king of the world.”

47.   “We were just making a toast to your long and…healthy…rule.”

48.   “So what are you gonna do? I mean, you’ve been around here a long time, and I really mean a long time.”

49.   “It might be difficult for someone of your age adjusting to life in the private sector.”

50.   “Can you top me off, pal? Be a friend?”

51.   “A llama?! He’s supposed to be dead!”

52.   “You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about relabeling some of them.”

53.   “Take him out of town and finish the job now!”

54.   “Still think I’m the victim here?”

55.   “He’s doing his own theme music?”

56.   “Don’t listen to that guy. He’s trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I’m gonna lead you down the path that rocks.”

57.   “What am I gonna tell the village?”

58.   “I think I’m still growing! Measure me again!”

59.   “You and I both know that it’s impossible for him to have grown in the last five minutes.”

60.   “I ate a bug today!”

61.   “Our deal was that you could stay awake until Daddy came home. Now say goodnight.”

62.   “You two can stay up. We’re just gonna be sitting here telling each other how much we love each other.”

63.   “Emperor or no emperor, it’s called common courtesy.”

64.   “If that were me, I’d march right back there and demand to see him. And you know I would.”

65.   “Demon llama? Where?”

66.   “What do you mean I don’t look like the emperor?”

67.   “Why would I kidnap a llama?”

68.   “You’re the criminal mastermind. Not me.”

69.   “I can’t let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.”

70.   “I got a little secret for you. Come here. No. Closer.”

71.   “I don’t make deals with peasants!”

72.   “I don’t need you. I can find my own way back.”

73.   “I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s a little dangerous if you don’t know the way.”

74.   “Okay, that was the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

75.   “Don’t worry, your highness! I gotcha! You’re safe now!”

76.   “Maybe I’m just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards wouldn’t you say?”

77.   “I don’t know about you, but I’m getting all funned out.”

78.   “Don’t tell me. We’re about to go over a huge waterfall. Sharp rocks at the bottom? Bring it on.”

79.   “For the last time, it was not a kiss.”

80.   “If you would’ve done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could’ve been spared your little kiss of life.”

81.   “Deep down I think you’ll realize that you’re forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.”

82.   “Nobody’s that heartless.”

83.   “Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You’re the only one that doesn’t seem to be with the program.”

84.   “You know what? Someday you’re going to wind up all alone, and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.”

85.   “For the final time, I order you to take me back to the palace.”

86.   “Looks to me like you’re stuck out here, because unless you change your mind, I’m not taking you back.”

87.   “He’s never going to change his mind.”

88.   “And so it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince, taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his 18th birthday.”

89.   “His legacy will live on in our hearts for all eternity.”

90.   “Well, he ain’t getting’ any deader. Back to work.”

91.   “He is dead, right? Tell me he’s dead. I need to hear those words.”

92.   “Do you need to hear all those words exactly?”

93.   “Well, he’s not at dead as we would’ve hoped.”

94.   “Are you saying you’ve changed your mind? Because you know that means you’re doing something nice for something else.”

95.   “Don’t shake unless you mean it.”

96.   “I was going to have you imprisoned for life, but I kind of like this better.”

97.   “I thought you were a changed man.”

98.   “Come on. I had to say something to get you to take me back to the city.”

99.   “So all of it was a lie?”

100. “You know, the funny thing about shaking hands is you need hands.”

101. “That’s for going back on your promise!”

102. “Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was good in everyone, but oh, you proved me wrong.”

103.  “I could’ve let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over.”

104.  “Calm down. I have an idea. Give me your arm. Okay, now the other one. When I say go, push against my back, and we’ll walk up the hill. Ready?”

105.  “We’re gonna have to work together to get out of this, so follow my lead.”

106.  “How do I know you won’t let me fall after you grab the rope?”

107.  “You know, it’s a good thing you’re not a big, fat guy or this would be really difficult.”

108.  “You just saved my life.”

109.  “I knew it, that there is some good in you after all.”

110.  “Don’t read that much into it. It was a one-time thing.”

111.  “Four days it a long time. Who knows? Maybe you’ll change your mind.”

112.  “It’s not you. She’s not the easiest person to get close to. There’s a wall there. Trust me.”

113.   “Are you talking to that squirrel?”

114.   “Bless you for coming out in public.”

115.   “When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?”

116.   “Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.”

117.   “I’m just going to slip into the kitchen and have a word with the chef.”

118.   “Please, with this disguise. I’m invisible.”

119.   “It’s a simple question. Is there or is there not anything edible on this menu?”

120.    “Was this woman scary beyond all reason?”

121.    “Trust me, they’re not here to save you.”

122.    “They’ll take me back to the palace. Thanks for your help. You’ve been great. I can take it from here.”

123.    “You don’t understand. They’re trying to kill you.”

124.    “Kill me? Their whole world revolves around me.”

125.   “You don’t want to take me back to the palace. You want to keep me stranded out here forever.”

126.    “This has all been an act and I almost fell for it.”

127.    “You got a point. Nobody really seems to care that he’s gone, do they?”

128.   “So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I’m the victim here. I didn’t do anything and they ruined my life and took everything I had.”

129.    “Hey, give it a rest up there, will you?”

130.    “She’s hiding something. When I give the word, we search the house.”

131.    “Perhaps we can have a tour of your lovely home.”

132.    “Was it a good idea to leave your family with those two?”

133.    “No! It can’t be! How did you get back here before us?”

134.    “Well, you got me. By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense.”

135.    “Okay, I admit it, maybe I wasn’t as nice as I should have been, but do you really want to kill me?”

136.    “It’s called a cruel irony, like my dependence on you.”

137.     “Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing! It’s like I’m talking to a monkey.”

138.      “Do you want to know something else? I’ve never liked your spinach puffs.”

139.     “From above, the wicked shall receive their just reward.”

140.      “Kill them! They murdered the emperor!”

141.      “What are the odds of that trapdoor leading me out of here?”

142.       “You stop being so hard on yourself. All is forgiven.”

143.      “It’s not the first time I was tossed out a window, and it won’t be the last.”

144.      “What can I say? I’m a rebel.”

[tryst-art-archive]

Context: 2008

Life in 2009 was very different than life in 2008 and before had been, so when we reach the end of the archive for '08, we'll becoming to the end of a chapter.

The key events of 2008 are below the cut, but this is perhaps the most critical element: I had no intention of living to be 18, and 2008 was the year I turned 17.

No Longer "an Artist"

After this year, The Hiatus begins. It wasn't a true hiatus in that I was still making things during that time, but I drew extremely little, and I stopped sharing things I made online. It's a period of time present day me regrets because I see how much progress I didn't get to make artistically and how much catching up I had to do when I returned to drawing almost ten years later.

In short: the building, depression-fueled lack of confidence that had been en route since '06 came home to roost in '08, and I decided that I would never be an artist--that I lacked adequate talent--and the things I drew were, instead, wholly in service to the things I wrote, just tools to develop narratives and characters and nothing more.

I was wrong, of course, and I regret the decision to deny myself illustration bitterly. On the other hand, turning away from drawing as I did renewed an interest in photography I'd had as an elementary schooler and freed up time to work on my writing craft. With every bad, there is some good, and vice versa.

Life in 2009 was very different than life in 2008 and before had been, so when we reach the end of the archive for '08, we'll becoming to the end of a chapter.

The key events of 2008 are below the cut.

Persona 3 & Self-Actualization

I credit Persona 3 with my survival through this year, and I think there were two components to that.

The first was that I interpreted the game's messaging around death and suicide through the lens of a power fantasy. Essentially, I saw the characters' willingness to kill themselves as the unique strength that enabled them to save the world, and I extrapolated that my willingness to die could also be a super power. In a roundabout way, this gave me a sense of being valuable, which was not something I saw myself as natively.

The second was that I had my first encounter with a form of masculinity that spoke to me. The personality of the game's protagonist is largely determined by the player, but there are some things innately true of him, and one is that he's a stylish, slim young man whom other characters in the game describe as a "girly boy" or a "pretty boy" on more than one occasion.

I became completely obsessed with him. I desperately wanted to be him, although at the time I didn't fully realize that. I presumed that I was attracted to him and that my attempts to emulate him were, in some way, an expression of that attraction. In hindsight, it's very, very obvious that the emulation was the point. For example, I got my hair cut to match his and I was over the moon about it.

To contextualize why this character resonated so hard: I didn't have any real world models for the kind of masculinity he inhabits, which is also the kind of masculine I am. It simply didn't exist anywhere in my cultural environment, although it's fairly common in the media exports of Japan and South Korea. I'd been into anime for ages, and I'd been drawn to this form of masculinity all along, but inhabiting it directly, less as a character and more as myself, made an enormous difference.

You'll see the moment this switch flips by the arrival of my character Pupcat Riley. I based that character off the version of the P3 protag that I'd played, and a lot of the work I vividly remember from 2008 centered around him.

Relationship Upheaval

Over the course of the first half of the year, I became increasingly aware of and unable to deny that my friend with benefits, who happened to also be my best friend, had romantic feelings for me that I did not reciprocate.

My anxiety around that issue eventually led to me disappearing on them for a solid month, only to end the sexual arrangement on returning. The cut wasn't clean, but by the fall the arrangement was well and truly over, and we were still best friends.

My bestie graduated from high school and entered college in that same time span, and I sort of followed, spending a lot of time at their dorm, where I hung out with their new friends, one of whom I began dating. As neither my bestie nor I had had time to process my decision to conclude our arrangement, there was a weird tension between them and my freshly acquired boyfriend.

At the same time, I kept trying to find a way to make the fwb arrangement "not count" in my sexual/romantic history, as if I was running from it. Meanwhile, my bestie also began a new relationship. Awkwardly, the other girl involved also had had a thwarted crush on me.

As for my own new relationship, both my boyfriend and I had depression and (in my case totally unknown) ADHD, and while the ability to understand each other from that lens had been part of the appeal, in practice we worsened each others' symptoms. He was also completely convinced that it was inevitable that I would commit suicide--something he viewed with morose resignation--and while the insistence felt off to me, I didn't disagree; I had no intention of surviving to the next January, after all.

College

I didn't want to go to college, but I also had no intention of living long enough to have to. Therefore, I resentfully did college applications to avoid conflict, and I had the foresight to at least apply to places and programs that I wouldn't hate, if through some chance I wound up having to follow through.

But I didn't know what I wanted to do. I had never been able to imagine any kind of future for myself, so the idea of picking something to ostensibly do for the rest of my life was fundamentally absurd--doubly so considering I didn't mean to live much longer. I wound up trying to logic it out as the external pressure to do applications mounted.

The only things I liked enough to focus on for four solid years were art, writing, and biology. I ruled art out because I thought I wasn't good enough to even try. I ruled biology out because while the subject is endlessly fascinating, I didn't think there would be a job I'd be interested in. I never did research to confirm.

That left me with creative writing, which had the benefit that I felt I was innately good at it and could therefore succeed without trying at all--a pretty egotistical thing to think. I favored programs that had some real world application to them, as opposed to remaining solidly in theory territory, and that led me to apply to a program that included publishing as part of its curriculum.

Still, I didn't stress about applications or really get worried about responses. I wasn't going to be around for any of that to matter, so the only stress was getting myself to do a bunch of paperwork I had no interest in doing to appease my parents and teachers.

Suicide?

A weird thing about 2008 being the year I meant to die in is that I never made an actual attempt in the course of that year. I'd had my first near miss a couple of years prior--I nearly jumped in front of a car on my way home from the bus stop--but for whatever reason I didn't have a near miss in 2008. (Maybe I was just preoccupied enough?)

That isn't to say that the impulse to die wasn't as omnipresent as it had always been. I viewed January 2009 as a deadline, and the closer it drew the more anxious I became about not having offed myself yet. When I ultimately did not kill myself before my 18th birthday, I felt it as a personal and moral failure on my part. I saw myself as utterly pathetic, too cowardly to even die.

There would be other near misses in the future, but the idea that my survival was itself a sign of my worthlessness stuck with me for a long, long time.

[lilyundertaker]

April bullies day 23 - Lusting for you

Pairing: bully!Draken x reader; Genre: TokRev AU, smut, one-shot; Warnings: 18+, vaginal sex, cunnilingus, bullying, oral (f receiving) posessive Draken; Note: This is a happy birthaday present to @crimsonqueen398 and a thanks to you for supporting me when I needed it!!!

Ken Ryuguji, commonly known as Draken was your one true love. Well, he didn’t know it yet but you were confident that one day he’d… notice you? Yeah, right, like that’d ever happen. But whatever the case you attended the same high school. You were both the same age and studied at the same classroom. And the unfortunate part that the love between you was one-sided (not that Draken was even aware of the fact).

Before a test you put an anonymous sticky note on his table wishing him good luck. But as soon as he came back to his seat and read it he ripped it to shreds and threw it in the trash can. After the test he intentionally bumped into your shoulder making you drop all of your books. He must’ve known it was me, you thought sadly. Though weirdly enough ever since that time he would throw nasty glares at you while Takemichi walked you home. Luckily he lived right next to your apartment.

Since your first plan had failed you turned to plan B, namely seduction. You handpicked short skirts, off the shoulder top and your favorite nikes. After you were finished you asked Takemitchi to rate your outfit and he said a 10 out of 10 while blushing. Unfortunately, Draken wasn’t blushing nor reacting any other way. He wasn’t even looking at you and would sternly go past you.

After lessons you saw how he yet again climbed on his motorcycle and rode away through the dark district. With all your willpower you bid Takemichi goodbye and went yourself through the shady street. There were many gangsters around and you, walking in your near-skimpy outfit, were an eye-candy ready to be eaten. “What’s up lil rabbit? Ran into the wrong whole?” a man wearing gang uniform said, walking closer to you. You didn’t even get to response as an engine roared behind you. Draken. “Come on fuckers, you’re missing the meeting.” He shouted at them before throwing another nasty glare at you.

You were angry and out of options, shouting in your pillow. Right then you came up with a plan – you’d return to that shady place and ask for some type of narcotics – pills, cocaine or whatever you could get, taking 1 million yen with you. Though this time you wore your white crop top and matching sweatpants so that those gangsters wouldn’t mistake you for a whore.

“Back again huh, little rabbit?” one of them said. “Look, I just need something to dull my mind.” You said a bit anxiously in order to make yourself a believable addict. Once again you were erupted by the same engine as the previous day, but this time Draken got off of his motorcycle and ordered you to leave. “Fuck you Kenny boy. What are you, my mother?” you shouted back. The men behind you started giggling but with a single look from Draken they stopped,

The blonde picked the 1 million yen you had in your hand as you were prepared to buy some drugs, shoved it in his pocket and ordered the men to follow him. But before they left one of them put a small pack of weed in your pocket. By this point you were even more frustrated and it even became hard for you to concentrate on your studies.

But after your today’s lessons you were so shocked when Draken grabbed you by the wrist and dragged you to the P.E. hall from where he proceeded to drag you inside the equipment room. “I’m sick and tired from your stunts. Why can’t you get it inside that thick head of yours that there’s nothing between us!” he screamed at you, punching the wall behind him. “I’ll leave you be to think about your shit while I get some peace.” He said before walking out and locking you inside of the dark room.

Obviously, you banged your arms against the wooden door, apologized for every single thing you could think of that might’ve upset him, but no response came and so you began to cry. Your back slid down the cold wall and with your arms wrapped around your knees you were finally able to release all the frustration and sadness you had been feeling for months already.

You were released after hours by Takemichi who had found you after getting a tip from one of the students who had seen you with Draken. That night he stayed at your place to console you. “Come on Y/n, just get him out of your head and move on. I’m sure there are bunch of guys who’d date you.” He said. It was sort of a stepping stone for you to finally suck it up and let Draken go. Not that that was easy. You skipped school for a whole week, sitting home, eating ice cream and watching one romance movie after the other (Titanic was the first one on your list).

On Sunday morning you were woken by a loud knock on your door. “Coming!” you shouted back in hopes that the person would stop ringing those knocks in your ears. Damn Takemichi, Imma murder you for waking me up this early, you thought. You were left disappointed when it was DRAKEN on the other side of the door, making you think that you were still dreaming.

“May I come in.” he asked. “No!” you replied and tried to shut the door, but he put his hand on it. “Please Y/n let’s talk.” You didn’t answer but simply walked away. “What’s there to talk about? I think you made everything clear last Friday.” You said, slowly walking back to your bedroom with Draken hot on your trails. “This.” He turned you around and kissed you with all of his passion, eyes closed and hands wrapped around your midsection. Yeah, this is definitely a dream, you thought. But were left disappointed once again when you felt him lifting you up against his body, holding you by the meat of your ties and his tongue entered your mouth.

“What are…hmph” it wasn’t easy to speak when your ex-crush had his tongue down your throat. He continued the way to your bedroom and threw you on the bed. The impact made you more dizzy than the sleepiness so you were unable to react fast enough when Draken was on top of you kissing your neck.

“nghhh, why are you doing this t-to me-e?” you did your best to force out the words which proved to be hard with Draken licking all of your sensitive spots. “I’ve been wanting you for a long time.” That was impossible, he must be mad! Why else he would think that way about you? “Every single fucking time when you pranced around in those tight-fitted jeans, those crop tops leaving your belly open for everyone to see and drool over, all those skimpy outfits you worse…it drew so much attention that I got pissed off from fighting off all of those guys.” He growled in your ear before tracing wet kisses down your exposed tummy. “I locked you up so that you could think on your mistakes and be kept away from prying eyes but that damn Takemitchy got you out and it sickens me.” He said, resting his hands on the band of your shorts.

At this point everything clicked in your mind – you showed much skin when walking around school which might’ve made him mad and rip your note to shreds out of anger for other guys staring at you during the class. Not to mention when you walked to that dangerous street and showed yourself off to gang members. But it still didn’t justify why he wouldn’t tell you that he liked you in the first place.

You felt your shorts being slowly peeled off, making you squeal out of embarrassment. “Don’t worry pretty, this pussy is mine anyways.” He brought his face closer to your bare cunt and dived in as deep as he could, trying get your walls as slick as possible since it would be trouble for you to take his length in otherwise.

“Ahhhh Draken” “Ken-chin.” He corrected. “Call me Ken-chin when we’re alone.” Not that it was much easier to spell it when he was eating your pussy like a starved beast. “Sweet Jesus Ken-chin, I can’t take this for long. I haven’t…” before you could finish the sentence you already came, leaving Draken surprised. It was then that he realized you were a virgin, untouched by any other man. “Good my little princess. Since no one’s had you I’ll be your first and only or otherwise…” he stopped to lick upp some cum from your pulsing walls. “…I’ll have to kill a lot of people cause remember…*lick* you’re fucking mine and no one else’s.” with that he got rid of your clothing as well as his own and got you facing him on his lap.

“I’ll start this slowly princess, since you’re still new to this.” He said before slowly lowering you on his cock. Your face twisted in pained expression and you winced from the stretch so you held onto Draken for support. “You’re doing great my princess. Yes, just like that.” His arms held you lovingly and helped you move up and down his shaft so that you could get used to the foreign feeling.

“I-I can take it now Ken-chin.” You gave him the green light and he began to bounce you on his cock, all the while his face buried in your soft breasts. It felt so nice that he decided to do it face to face rather than taking you from the back since you could also see how good you made him feel, not mention it gave you the privilege to entangle your hands in his blonde locks.

“Damn princess, if you won’t stop flexing your pussy like that I’ll cum in a second.” You weren’t sure of what he was talking about, but you could make up references as to what he meant. Even if you were flexing your walls it was unintentional since you hadn’t had sex in your entire life.

“Fuck don’t..” he said before cumming inside of you, with you being not far from him too. He collected you in his arms and went to the shower to clean your bodies. “Next time you’re sitting on my face so that I can suck on that baby pussy of yours properly.” He promised and kissed you again and again.

From then on your trip to school and back home was at the back of his motorcycle and he wouldn’t let you go alone or with Takemichi even if you begged him. He also brought you through the dangerous district, making sure that everybody saw to whom you belonged to.

You thanked to the gods that you didn’t become pregnant at the first time as you were partially oblivious to plan b or contraception at all as you were never in need of it, but Draken, living out his days in a brothel, had loads of experience on it so he kept you well informed. It turned out that he had also worked hard with his gang to sell drugs and from the money he had got from the business he was able to afford a house for just the two of you plus, after the first month of living together he gave you 1million yen as a present along with a gold dragon pendant intervined around the letter D.

On the dark summery nights you’d be sat on Draken’s motorcycle as he’d be on one knee, eating you out for your pleasure and his. “Ken-chin I-I’m cumming.” You mewled before you came all over his face, some of it also wetting his shirt and jacket. Despite your pleas he wouldn’t stop. “Come on little princess, I’m sure you can take another one!”

[bucky-barnes-diaries]

The Office

Pairing; CEO+Dad’s Best Friend!Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader

Summary; You and Bucky fuck for the very first time in his office at the company’s building.

Word Count; 4574

Warnings; NSFW, 18+, Minors DNI, undefined age-gap, “cheating”, language, cursing, Sir!kink, dirty talk, pet names, slight degradation, hair pulling, oral (male receiving), face-fucking, spitting, fingering, teasing, orgasm denial, unprotected sex, creampie, mention of bodily fluids.

Authors Note; I can’t get enough of CEO+DBF!Bucky so this will be the first of many fics like this! I hope people will like it and be interested in more! Jesus I need to bathe in holy water now. Hope you all enjoy <3

Main Masterlist || CEO+DBF Bucky Barnes Masterlist

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Bucky had begun texting you while sitting in a meeting with your dad and some of the company's other employees. You weren't doing anything important, just at home reading a book, so you were more than happy to text back and forth with him. The meeting was relatively standard and straightforward, it wasn't too much of an importance, so it allowed Bucky to talk with you without feeling guilty while the rest of them sorted out the details. Once in a while, he would chime in with his views and opinions. The text messages were pretty innocent, to begin with. The standard “hello” and “what you are up to” was exchanged between the two of you before more of the dirtier stuff ensued.

You thought about it for a second before you sent him an answer. You and Bucky had started fucking around a few weeks ago. You had met him when your parents had friends and colleagues over for a grand party like they had most of the time. You had just moved back home after living on your own in another city for three years, so this was your first time seeing Bucky in person. You had heard a lot about him and seen pictures when he started working with your dad, and they had formed a tight friendship, but you had never met him in person. He was even more handsome than what the pictures could show when you got introduced to him, and you had started to take a liking to him instantly. He had done as well because not even a week after you met, you and he had started a relationship. To begin with, it was only fucking around, but as the weeks went by, you felt like there may be more to it; sparks were felt between the two of you. None of you had done anything about it yet, mainly because it wouldn’t be received well by the public, your family most likely would disapprove and because of his wife Natalie and her whole family.

Which you didn’t find wrong at all that he was “cheating” on her with you. They both hated each other’s guts and would more than anything like getting a divorce. Bucky had told you that she had cheated on him multiple times, and he had done as well with her, but they played the happy couple when they were out in public because of their families. They got married at a very young age because their families are rich and powerful and wanted their kids to get together, so they are now stuck in this toxic relationship together. But soon, you and Bucky would have to decide where the next step of the relationship would go. Would you continue to sneak around, or would you form a proper relationship and come out for the whole wide world? It was only a matter of time before you needed to decide.

You and he would primarily meet up on neutral grounds. In his car or a hotel but on a few occasions, you had fucked in his or your parent's house in your room. This would be the first time you had done it where he worked; you assumed it would be in his office. It would be risky, but the thought about him taking you hard against every surface had your thighs clenching in need of him.

A soft whimper escaped your parted lips at his promise to fuck your brains out. He was never afraid to be direct with you about his needs and feelings. He always meant what he said, and that was one of your favorite things about him. You could always trust that he would be true to his words.

It would take you about 30 minutes to get over there, so you needed to leave right now. You did a quick freshen up before you called a taxi to get you over to the company’s building. Being in the car gave you time to think this through. You weren't sure how you and he would pull this off. Everyone would see if you entered his office and then wonder what was taking so long and what in the hell you guys were doing in there. In their eyes, you and Bucky weren't even friends. You barely spoke with one another when other people were around, as not to raise any suspicion. For them, you were the boss's daughter while Bucky was his partner, and nothing was going on between you two; besides, Bucky had his “loving” wife, Natalie.

The building stood tall as you arrived. Clouds were teasing rain, and it was a bit cold. The skirt you were wearing made your body chilly, but you kept it on for Bucky's sake. You looked up at the structure before you went through the main entrance. The security guards and the workers at the reception greeted you as everyone was well aware of who you were. You all greeted them with a smile as you walked towards the elevators. Entering the elevator, you became impatient as it took its time to travel up the floors to the main offices in the building. Your legs were uneasy as you shifted your weight from one foot to the other. A thin layer of sweat formed on your hairline as you came up with scenarios with how you and Bucky could get caught. You shook your head, trying to get those thoughts down. You trusted Bucky, and besides, this was something you wanted to try out.

When you arrived at the floor, and the door slid open, you saw your dad, Bucky, and some of the employees coming out of one of the conference rooms. The meeting must have just finished. As you walked over, you tried to put on a smile to mask your nervousness. None of them had seen you yet, except for Bucky. He had you in his sight out of the corner of his eye, a slight smirk on his face as he saw you strutting over. You came to stand between him and your dad.

Bucky couldn’t have been more subtle with staring you up and down; your dad was standing right there after all. His tongue darting out between his lips to wet them, clearly having an image on his head about you bent over at his mercy.

“Hi, dad! Mr. Barnes, it's nice to see you again.”

Bucky gave you a simple nod of his head, acting like he isn't just about to have his way with you in his office with your dad not having a clue about what a whore his sweet and innocent daughter is, “pleasure seeing you again.”

“Sweetheart,” your dad gave you a one-arm hug as he had a smile on his face at his daughter visiting him at work, “what are you doing here?”

“I was in the area and thought I could drop by before moving on with my day.”

“Aw, honey. I wish I could spend some time with you, but we have a meeting again in 30 minutes.”

“It's alright, dad. I'm on my way out again anyways. Have some errands to run,” you lied.

“Excuse me, sweetheart.” He turned to say something to the others. While everyone had their attention on your dad, you turned slightly towards Bucky to give him a “chill out” look. The outfit you were wearing had him on edge and excited to have you in his office as soon as possible. Since the crowd was paying attention to your dad, it allowed Bucky to give you some instructions. He leaned in a little closer to you, but not too close in case someone saw.

“Here,” he slipped you his card, the card for the private elevator he had that went from the parking lot and up to his office, “take the elevator. No one is going to see you. Also, I want you to have your panties off before you come upstairs. You got it?”

You swallowed down the lump in your throat. Your body felt hot and warm. The palms of your hands had a thin layer of sweat on them as you took the card from him. Your heart was hammering against your chest. This was really about to happen.

“Y-yes, Sir.”

“Good girl.”

Like clockwork, your dad turned around towards you again just as Bucky leaned away from your body. “Well, I'll see you when I get home later, sweetheart.” He went to hug you again, and you returned the action.

“Bye, dad. Bye, Mr. Barnes, I'll see you around.”

Everyone said their goodbyes to you before you left. You went out of the building and around it to where the cars went down into the parking lot. Once down there, you made sure that no one was around to see you before you scanned the card for the elevator. The journey up to his office gave you the opportunity to take your panties off. You held them in your hand as you almost bounced up and down in fear and excitement for what was in store for you when you reached his floor.

When the elevator reached the office, and the doors opened, you saw that Bucky was waiting for you, his back facing you. He was staring out the big windows that decorated almost his entire office room.

“Did you take your panties off as I told you to do?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

He turned around so he could be met with you. His tongue wetting his lips as he beckoned with his finger for you to come over to him, “get over here now.” Not even thinking for another second, you were quick to stand by his side by the window, waiting for further instructions he had to give you.

“Give them to me,” the palm of his hand was held out for you to hand them over to him. With shaking hands, you handed them over, and he opened his suit jacket to put them in the inside pocket so he could keep a hold of them.

“Is someone going to come in?”

“Shh,” his hand came to caress the side of your face—his thumb stroking your cheek. The simple action had you relax a tiny bit. “Don't worry. I locked the door, and besides, I told them not to disturb me. Do you trust me?”

“I do, Bucky. With my life.”

“Well then,” his finger pointed down to the floor, and you knew immediately what he was getting at, “get down on your knees for me.”

In front of the window of all things?! For everyone to see? But frankly, you didn't care. Let them see it all. You would give them all a good show. Besides, they wouldn't be able to know that it's you because the next building over was some distance away. All you cared about was to have his dick in your mouth right now and nothing else.

Like second nature, you quickly sank on your knees where you had spent more than once worshiping his cock, and this wouldn't be the last one either. He looked down at you, his eyes dark with desire at you being so easily submissive to him. His tongue peeked out from his mouth at you on your knees for him.

His thumb traced your lips as his other hand was palming the bulge in his pants. You granted him access into your mouth as you sucked and swirled your tongue on his digit.

“I can't wait to have your lips wrapped around me, kitten. Do you want me to fuck your mouth?”

You nodded your head and released his thumb from your mouth, “please, Bucky, I want it so bad.”

Your eyes followed his hands, your lips parted, as he undid his belt and pulled down his suit pants along with his underwear. Coming face to face with his dick, ready to be sucked by you. You wrapped your hand around his shaft and looked up at him through your lashes, waiting so that he could give your permission at proceeding, knowing how much he loved it when you waited for him to provide you with a green light.

“Suck it, baby girl.”

You opened your mouth to swirl your tongue around his head before you wrapped your lips around him so you could suck on his mushroom tip, your tongue teasing him. You could see that he was becoming impatient, so you engulfed him halfway through while massaging his balls in your hand. The action had his hand fist in your hair, making a gasp being sounded against him by you, as an exhale of satisfaction escaped him.

He needed more, so with the help of his hand in your hair, he pushed his dick further into your mouth till the tip of him reached the back of your throat, making you gag around him. The vibrations from your mouth had him shiver all over. Your eyes were watering as saliva started coming out the side of your mouth. Looking directly up into his eyes as you took whatever was left of him the best you could and bobbed your head on him, watching as his eyes struggled to stay open to watch how good you were taking him down your throat.

“F-fuck. That's so good, baby. You love sucking my cock don't you, pretty girl, hm? Such a good girl for me, aren't you?”

His dirty talk turned you on, and all you wanted to do was touch yourself at his words. You released him from your hold. Saliva was hanging from your mouth, and his dick was glistening all in it. Your hand jerked him off so you could answer his question, your voice almost like honey as you spoke. The wetness from you made it easy to glide your hand effortlessly on him.

“Yes, Sir.”

A deep groan was sounded from within his chest at the nickname he loved to be called by you. You on your knees so pretty and messy for him had his dick twitch in your grasp.

“Good, baby. Look at you. Such a beautiful mess for me, kitten.”

“Only for you, Sir.”

His head leaned back some as you took him in your mouth again. Your mouth is an expert at taking the whole of him. “Fuck, I'm gonna cum. Do you want me to cum in your mouth, baby girl?” He asked while slowly thrusting his length in and out of it. All you could do was moan, letting him know that you wanted to taste him.

He picked up his speed and fucked your mouth, making you gag around him each time his tip tickled the back of your throat, and you loved every second of it. His hands came at the side of your face so he could hold you steady as he used your warm and wet hole as he pleased. The sloppy sounds of your mouth, your gags, and moans around him only enticed him even more to reach his end.

His thrusts became uneven, and not a second later, he came deep in your throat. Sounds of pleasure dissolved in the office space as your mouth took all that he had to offer. You swallowed around him, milking him for all that he was worth, as you moaned at his delicious taste. You didn't pull away from him until he had spilled every drop in you.

“Show me your mouth.”

Pulling away from him, you opened it to show him all of the cum. He learned down till his face was inches from you and proceeded to spit in your opening. The action had your desperate clit pulsating.

“Can you swallow all of that for me?”

Closing your mouth, you swallowed all of him, his cum and spit, and opened up once more to show him what a good girl you had been at drinking all that he gave you. His hand was petting your hair as a sign of appreciation for you being so amazing for him.

“Such a dirty girl. Was that good? You love the taste of me, don't you, doll?”

“Mhm, yes,” you responded while licking your lips. Your hand was jerking him off again as you couldn't get enough of the feel of him. Your words and actions had him lean back some.

“You've been such a good girl, and I want to give you a treat. Do you want it?”

His words went directly to your tingling clit, and you needed to push your thighs together to get some form of friction down there.

“Yes, Sir.”

“Get on all fours on the couch, with your ass facing the desk.”

You got up and walked over the few meters to the couch, taking off your skirt and sweater until you were only in your bra, and then got in the position as he had wanted from you. He went over to his desk to have a better view of you—leaning on it as his hands held the edge of it. You supported yourself on your elbows as you pushed your ass up and out, earning a groan from Bucky.

“Like this?”

“Just like that. Now touch yourself for me.”

Pushing two of your fingers inside your mouth to get them wet before your hand went underneath you to circle your aching and needy clit, letting out a sigh of relief at being able to feel something finally. You pushed the two fingers inside of you, letting out a low moan and they stretched and penetrated your tightness, closing your legs some at the feeling. It was nothing like Bucky's fingers or dick, but it would have to do for now. You started to move them in and out of your tight pussy, going at a slow pace, to begin with.

Bucky hadn't said anything yet, so he must be enjoying the show you were putting on for him. He let out a moan just as you turned your head to find him pumping his shaft while watching you intensely as you pleasured yourself. Your teeth captured your bottom lip at the sight of him.

“Fuck, kitten.”

You pulled your fingers out and started circling your clit again, whimpering as you were close to your orgasm. The two of you held eye contact as you watched each other.

“So good, Bucky.”

“You're such a good girl, baby. Showing me how you touch yourself. Is this how you look when you're in your room late at night? Touching yourself like this while thinking of me?”

“Mhm, yes.” His words made your fingers move rapidly into your tightness again, wanting to get to that sweet release you were craving desperately.

“Fuck, I'm gonna cum; please can I cum, Sir?” You pleaded, needing to get some form of relief. Tears were teasing to spill out of your eyes if you didn't get your way soon.

“No! Stop!” He didn't want you to cum just yet. Whining at his words but complying anyway, you knew you needed to listen to him, so you brought your fingers out of your hole and into your mouth to suck your juices off. You tried as best as possible to hold eye contact with him as you sucked and swirled your tongue around your digits, moaning at your own taste, as you swayed your ass from side to side for him.

“Fuck me, Sir, please.” He didn't hesitate for one second in getting behind your bent-down form at the speed of lightning. One of his hands caressed and grabbed one of your ass cheeks before it landed on your hip to hold a tight grip on it while the other held his shaft as he teased your fold with the tip of him.

“Please, Bucky, don't tease.”

“I'll give you what you want, doll.”

He slowly pushed himself in your warmth, wanting you to feel all of him. The feeling of fullness almost had you cumming right then and there. He filled you up to the brim, wanting you to feel all that he had to give, and you weren't one bit disappointed. He pulled out till only his tip was inside you before he slowly pushed himself into you again, doing this a few times to get you familiar with the feeling. He just wanted to cum right then and there at the tightness of your walls clenching around his throbbing dick.

“Bucky, please go faster. Fuck me, please,” you whimpered out, wanting him to fuck you completely senseless.

His thrusts were hard and fast as he fucked you into the couch, hips slapping against your backside, making you jolt forwards with each move of him. Your mouth hung open as silent screams came out of it.

“This pussy feels so incredible. Fuck, so tight.”

His hands held your sides while his fingernails dug in your skin, creating dents. He moaned out as he watched his dick disappear into your hole with every move of his hips. Your head was buzzing, and your face was buried deep in the cushions at the intense pleasure Bucky was giving you. “Oh god, please don't stop, babe,” you pleaded of him.

Bucky took a fistful of your hair, pulling your head back, making your back arch. You bit your lip at his rough and dominants actions. The hand in your hair and his abusive thrusts was too much and so intense, but you loved it to the fullest. Tears came out of your eyes as he was taking you so good from behind.

“You like this? Don't you, baby? You like when I fuck your tight and pretty pussy?” Take what belongs to me? Hm? Letting me fuck you like a whore while your dad is just down the hall?”

Your head was foggy from the incredible fucking he was giving you. The lack of answer from you had him unsatisfied, so he smacked your ass cheek hard, making you squeal out at the pain.

“Answer me!”

“Y-yes… I love your cock fucking my tight little pussy. Please don't stop, baby.”

“Such a good whore for me. I'm not gonna stop, kitten, I promise.”

The thought that your dad and everyone else that worked in the building was just out the door, not having a clue as to what was going on in Buckys office, was so intoxicating—not knowing that Bucky was having at it with the boss's daughter.

You turned your head, at the best of your abilities, to look at him. His eyes were shut tight, and his face in pure concentration as he moved his body against yours. He met your gaze, both of you looking at each other as you neared your orgasm. One of your hands grabbed onto his forearm that had a tight grip on your hip. His other went underneath you to play and tease your clit.

“Please, Bucky, I need to cum. I need you to fill me up, please.” The pathetic pleas for him to fill up your pussy was what brought forward his release and made him finish deep inside of you.

His seed filling you up was what brought forth your own release. The way your walls became tighter around him had his hips snap rapidly against you as he gave you all of his cum. Moans and soft whimpers on a loop by the both of you as the pleasure overtook all your senses. Bucky thrust through both of your orgasms, not stopping until you were both satisfied.

Your face was in the cushions as you tried to slow down your breathing. Bucky caressed your sides and peppered kisses all over your lower back. Praises being given to you for being such a good girl to him.

“You're so good to me, beautiful.”

He pulled out of your hole. The two of you hissing out as you both felt overly sensitive. Bucky helped to clean both of you up with a few wipes he kept on his desk. He made sure you were ok before he went over to the windows to grab his underwear and pants, pulling them on where he stood.

You put your skirt and sweater on and fixed yourself up as you sat and watched him get ready. God, he looked so handsome that it had your stomach burst out in butterflies. Now all you wanted was for him to hoist you up on his desk and take you hard against it. But you saw him have a look at his watch, his eyebrows furrowed together.

“The meetings in five.”

He came over to you just as you were getting up. You hissed out as your body felt sore and spent up, but good regardless.

“Are you ok? Did I do too much?”

That was Bucky for you. Always worried that he had gone overboard, but you always reassured him that you had enjoyed yourself.

His hands came to rest at the side of your face, looking you up and down to make sure you were all good. Your own hands went over his ones.

“Hey, I'm alright. Just a little sore, but you know I loved it, and I can handle it, Bucky.”

“I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“I'm all good, babe, I swear.”

You took his face in your hands now as his ones traveled down to the small of your back so he could pull you flush against his body. His face leaned down some so he could capture your lips with his, giving you one of his sweetest kisses. His face moved down to suck and lick at the side of your neck in the most loving way.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” he reached into the pocket of his jacket to retrieve your panties, ”I believe these belong to you.” That cocky smile of his decorated his face as the panties dangled from his finger. Right. You had almost forgotten about those. “Thanks.” You took them and slid them up your legs.

“I wish you could stay longer. There are more surfaces in this office I would love to take you against.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck as he held you close. You would love nothing more than to stay here and let him have his way with you, but you knew that he needed to attend the meeting because if not, people would come knocking on his door, wondering where he is.

“I know, me too, but you know my dad is going to come knocking on the door and wonder where you are if you don't show up.”

“Yeah, I know. C'mon, I'll walk you out,”

He followed you to the elevator so he could say goodbye to you. A kiss and a hug were shared amongst you before the elevator dinged that it had arrived.

“We can meet later tonight if you want? Natalie is going out; God knows where, so we can stay at my place this time.” He asked you. “Whatever you want, just let me know, ok?” “I would like that, Bucky. I’ll let you know when.”

You stepped inside of it and pressed the button to go down. A smile on both of your faces as you gazed at each other the few seconds you had before the doors slid shut.

“I’ll miss you, doll.”

“I'll miss you more, Sir.”

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[yootaesowlwrites]

Ride Them - Kim Namjoon

Warnings: Thigh riding, pet names, demanding!Namjoon, nudeness, one spank, light praising, shower sex hinted, explicit language.

W/C: 1.4K

Age Warning: No one will listen to this, but it’s here, I will not take responsibility because you wanted to read any of my fics that contain NSFW/SMUT content, but if you’re under the age of 18+, DO NOT INTERACT OR READ. Even though you will ignore this warning and still read it, but do not take it as educational, it is fiction!

Your eyes widen as you watch Namjoon move to take something from the table, you weren’t sure what as you were focused on his exposed thighs on the live, your jaw drops seeing the thick muscles before he sat down, it became the only thing on your mind as you tried to focus on the remainder of the live, but all you could think was his thighs, his exposed thighs on the Vlive for all to see and imagine how it could feel to ride them, and you knew that they would imagine it because you were currently imaging how it would feel to ride his thick thighs, you knew he had a gym session today and a live scheduled, but you hadn’t been awake early enough to see him leave with those shorts on, and now you were waiting for him to return him to confront him about it.

You squeeze your legs together as you feel yourself growing wetter by just thinking of him in those shorts and feeling it on your pussy, you could feel frustration building up inside you, the good kind of frustration, you were making a mess of your panties by just thinking of him, you squeeze your legs tighter together, hoping it could ease some of your frustration, but you knew only he could relieve it, after all, he caused it, your eyes widen, and you shoot up from your seat on the sofa as you heard the front door open and close.

“Namjoon!” You say, although it sounded more like a whine, you round the corner and see him removing his shoes, he lifts his head and smiles at you, not having an idea what he had done to you.

“Hi, babe.” He greets, his eyes forming into crescent moons as his smile reaches his eyes.

“Do not, hey baby, me.” You say, his smile quickly disappears from his lips and was replaced with a slight frown.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, your eyes move lower and lower until you reached his shorts.

“Why… how could you leave the house wearing that?” You ask. “Do you have any idea how many people… saw your thick fucking thighs on that live?” The frown on his face quickly disappears and was replaced with amusement, and a glint of lust begins forming in his eyes.

“Is that what this is about?” He asks. “Are you needy, baby?” You lift your gaze away from his shorts, his thighs, and meet his dark brown eyes, watching as they slowly become clouded with lust. “Do you want to ride my thighs?” He steps closer to you, your hard expression drops, and you swallow the remaining saliva in your mouth, making you aware of how dry it had become. “Well, come on, come and ride them.” He turns you around and places his hands on your shoulders, guiding you back to the living room. “Get rid of those pants and panties for me.” He removes his hands from your shoulders and moves past you, going towards the sofa, he turns sits down on it and spread his legs wide open, placing his arms on the backrest of it as he leans back to watch you. “I’m waiting, baby girl.” You quickly reach for the elastic of your bottoms, hooking your panties along with it, you push them down, bending over and taking them off completely. “Shirt also, baby girl.” His dark eyes watched your every movement, you grab the hem of your shirt and lift it over your head, revealing yourself completely to him. “No bra?”

“No…” You whisper, he raises his brows, waiting for you to explain. “I wanted to be comfortable.” He nods his head and extends an arm out to you, and motions you with his fingers to step closer.

“You want to complain like a brat about me leaving in shorts, while you walk around here without a bra on.” He says, you quickly move closer to him, he grabs your hand and pulls you down onto one of his legs, you let out a gasp as your pussy touch his bare leg, making him feel his soaking wet you are. “Fuck, did seeing my thighs on that live make you this wet, baby girl?”

“Yes.” You whimper out, you felt his thigh muscles flex against your pussy.

“Put your hands on my shoulder.” He instructs, you do as he says and place your hands on his shoulders, gripping them tightly as you do, his hands move to your hips and grips them, he slowly moves your hips, guiding you over his thighs, he could feel your slickness leaving a wet trail behind on his thigh.

“Joon… hmm.” You moan, he pauses when your clit touches his shorts, which made you take in a sharp breath, you quickly take control of your hips and begin moving them along his thighs, feeling him purposely flex them as you ride his thigh. “Joooon…” Your fingers gripped his shoulders and his hands gripped your hips, feeling how you were making a mess on his leg and shorts, you could feel your skin heating up along with the room, the scent of your arousal was filling the air.

“Look how beautiful my baby girl is.” He says. “Getting herself off on my thigh.” His hands slowly slide away from your hips, leaving a burning trail behind on your skin as he moves them to your ass. “Making a mess on my thigh.” The sound of your wetness filled the room as it became more, you lean forward, changing the position, your clit pressed against his thigh, you could feel your high building and building, and with your sensitive nub now getting direct stimulation from his thigh.

“Namjoon!” You moan. “Fuck… Joon…” His hands gripped your ass cheeks, helping you move on his thigh as he realized you were slowing down.

“Don’t stop now, baby girl.” He says. “You’re so close to what you’ve been craving for all morning and afternoon.”

“Hmm, Joon…” You whimper.

“Come on, make a mess on my thigh, baby girl.” He says, you roll your hips over his thighs with his help, he releases one of your butt cheeks before his hand comes down against it, spanking you. ‘Faster, baby.” He loved watching you on his thigh, loved watching you reach your high on it. “Just like that, baby girl.” You could feel the tension inside your lower tummy growing and growing, you could feel sweat breaking out on your skin, your hair was starting to grown damp and stick to the back of your neck, his grip on your ass tightens as he felt his hands starting to slip from the sweat. “Keep going, baby, make a mess on me.” The tension inside you suddenly snaps, you close your eyes, squeezing them tight, stars appear behind your eyelids, he takes over for you as your release on his thigh.

“NAMJOON, FUCK, FUCK!” You scream. “JOONN!” Your toes curl and your fingers dig into his shoulders. “Joon, fuck, fuck…” He could feel your release slicking up his thigh, one of his hands move lower and slide between your folds, rubbing them and easing you through your high, he could feel your arousal leaking from your entrance and acted his fingers with it, he could feel it dripping into the palm of his hand.

“That’s it, baby girl.” He says, his other hand leaves your ass and slide up your spine before moving into your hair, his fingers entangle with your hair. “Dripping on my hand like this, you’ve waited long to do that, didn’t you?” You lift your head and look at him, feeling his fingers press against your scalp and those between your folds sliding along your folds.

“Yes… yes…” You breathe out, you were breathless from the high you had just experienced.

“You needed it so badly, you didn’t even greet me properly when I walked through the door.” He says.

“Isn’t this proper enough?” You ask, you feel his grip on your hair tighten.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, baby, I loved this greeting, but I also want to be greeted properly.” He says. “Greet me, baby.” You lean closer and brush your lips against his, tasting him, your lips move together, the kiss only lasted seconds before he tugged your hair, signalling for you to break the kiss, you do and open your eyes to look into his, you bite your bottom lip. “Did you enjoy yourself?” You nod your head. “Good, now go wait for me in the shower, we need to clean ourselves, you nod your head and climb off his thigh, knowing there wouldn’t be much cleaning done in the shower.