#by previous interactions that resulted in thoughts that were more than bad

[lightwing-s]

𝐁𝐀𝐁𝐘 𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐏𝐒

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐯 ; 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞

pairing: jason todd x fem! reader

summary: when everything seems go, at least start, to go right, you're getting to actually enjoy the thoughts of your pregnancy, things take a turn. no, not a turn, a fucking spin, a descent in a downward spiral. basicallly, you're fucked.

word count: 10,3k (yes, i'm actually very surprised i managed this) warnings: pregnancy, medical talks, bad parenting and terrible fathers.

a/n: it took me too long to finish, i know. but i did enjoy my time in carnaval before almost dying from a flu. the chapter is long and is very important to the future of the story, so please, don't be mad at me for it. take breaks, eat while your reading, idk, do your thing. ily and i missed you ♡♡♡

reblogs and interactions are always appreciated ! ♡

links: previous ; next ; series masterlist ; general masterlist

You thought that telling Jason about your pregnancy would be the trigger that would set your life into a downward spiral. That everything would be different once it was done with. You would be different, he would be different, and the world would be different too. However, the days that followed could not have been any more normal.

Although your mind was still clouded with anxious pregnancy thoughts, your days went on as usual. You woke up early, exercised and went to work, just to come back home hours later to do whatever it was you got on your mind that night before going straight to bed. The only indications of your condition were the looming thoughts and the excessive tiredness you carried everywhere with you.

It was like the world around you didn’t get the memo your whole life was about to be totally different just a few months from now..

And the world didn’t have to. It didn’t care that Yn Sn was pregnant. It would continue spinning around, circling the sun, like it always did. Day by day, minute by minute, like nothing had changed. And in the great scheme of things, nothing had. You did. You were the one who had changed. You were different, or at least you would become. Good or bad, nothing was gonna be like before. You would keep changing as the world would always be the same.

In the great scheme of things, the world didn’t revolve around you. Your life wasn’t a linear movie plot, troubleless and predictable. It was proving to you right then and there that it wouldn’t hold your hand and give you a rulebook on how to proceed with every little thing. You were on your own to figure out this journey. It was now about you. And him.

At first, you only noticed the small differences. You were tired, more than usual. It seemed like every move you used to make swiftly was now heavy and took you double the effort to complete. Two days after your talk, Jason went back to the clinic to pick up the full test results, and had it delivered to you at your door. You didn’t invite him to stay, nor did he ask you to enter, and you opened the envelope to find out you were about five to six weeks pregnant by yourself. It meant the baby was now growing faster and faster, and providing all that extra energy was what had been draining you off yours.

Your trips to the toilet became more frequent, even if your water intake had remained the same. That had raised one or two eyebrows at work, but considering the amount of things you were all working on, no one had given those bathroom runs their full attention. However, your new breast size didn’t go as unnoticed. In fact, it became a big topic of discussion between your coworkers, where each person tried to bet which surgeon had given you a cup size that was almost double of what yours originally was.

Then, there was also him. Every single day since you’d broken the news, Jason woke you up with a good morning text. He’d ask if you had slept well, if you were alright, and if you had gotten sick at any point the day before or if you craved or wanted anything. He knew it was about time you got morning sickness and cravings, and he wanted to do what was best to keep you and his baby in perfect condition.

He seemed to care about this baby a lot, even this soon. Not even the most positive scenario you could’ve come up with had you imagining he’d be this sweet, this nice. Actually caring and attentive. Yet, here you were, and he made sure to always tend to your needs whenever he was needed. But he wasn’t needed that often. Except for the good morning texts and your subsequent daily health report, you two didn’t talk much.

Nessie, your best friend, was also really into the idea of this baby. Daily, she’d flood your messages with baby videos and pics, pregnancy tips and motherhood articles. She might as well be the mother of this child, because she was certainly more excited than its real one. She had even told her own mother about it, letting her know she was going to be an “auntie” and how she should bring gifts the next time she comes over to visit.

You haven’t even considered telling your parents about it yet, brushing the thoughts away every time they’d come up in your mind. In fact, most thoughts about your pregnancy were brushed aside, as you were still not ready to fully accept this new reality of yours. 

Thus, a couple of weeks went by since you’d last seen Jason. As normal as they’ve ever been. Then, it was a Thursday night. One where you found yourself spread on your sofa, craving sweets and a large pizza, with your best friend sat on your living room floor, rambling excitedly about something you weren’t paying much attention to.

“... and, even though everyone knows he has a fucking girlfriend, he was at the party with not only one, but two other girls. He’s such an asshole!” Nessie spoke about whatever season of a TV show she was rewatching. But your mind couldn’t have been any further.

You stared at your phone screen, reading and rereading, again and again, the last messages in your chat with Jason. He had just asked about your day, if you felt sick or anything, and instead of giving him your usual and very formal reply, you went on and on about your sudden desire for dessert pizza. You didn’t know what had gotten into you, but your fingers were faster than your conscience and without a proper thought, the message was sent.

. 8:24 PM

hey, how are you feeling?

. in desperate need of a good chocolate pizza . id kill for it . not really kill for it . yk...

🤣

You hoped you could be faster and delete it before he got a hold of his phone again, but the laughing emoji told you you were too late for that. Now, you laid there, overthinking your text when there was nothing you could do about it. Much like your pregnancy. Dumbass.

“Yn, are you even listening?” your friend called.

“Y-yeah. It was a really bad season, that one.” Without even moving to look in her direction, you gave her a half assed reply. 

“Yn… What are you talking about?” she asked you, confused.

“Aren’t we talking about the Bachelor?” you tried to confirm, now moving on your side to see her eye to eye. However, her incredulous face told you you’d completely missed the topic. Offering her an apologetic smile, she rolled her eyes at you and threw you a pillow.

“No! I was talking about Dick Grayson?” She raised an eyebrow and you looked at her with your brows furrowed. “Gotham’s resident playboy? The one that was seeing like three different girls at the same time? Gosh you were such a killjoy, all I wanted to do was gossip. It doesn’t hurt anybody and it’s fun.”

You let out a laugh at your friend’s dramatics, telling her to keep going with her story, promising to actually pay attention to it this time.

“Okay, he was seeing this girl officially. I think her name is Barbara. Red head, tall, pretty as fuck. Okay. However, he was supposedly with not only one, but two side pieces. Like, for real, such a fuck boy.”

“Ew,” you engaged. “Not even a fuck boy, an asshole. What does his girlfriend think about this?”

“I don’t know.” She threw her hands in the air. “I don’t even think she knows about all of this, if I’m being honest. And if she knows s….” Ding dong. Your friend’s story was cut short by the sound of your doorbell reverberating through your living room. “Are you expecting somebody?” she asked. You shook your head.

Sitting up, you waited for the doorbell to ring one more time, just to be sure there was really someone at your door. You looked between it and your friend, suddenly worried about who the hell would be bothering you at this hour of the night. Standing up, you walked straight to the door with care. Silent steps taking you to the peeping hole.

Looking through it, a tall, sasquatch like frame you’d grown to recognize rather easily, stood on the other side. In his hands, you caught a glimpse of a few plastic bags, his helmet, and a cardboard box.

“H-hey,” you greeted him awkwardly when you opened the door, a bit surprised to see him there.

“Hi. Heard you wanted some pizza.” He winked, lifting up what you now could identify as two cardboard boxes exhaling the greasy smell of your desired meal.

“You didn’t have to,” you said, sliding a hand through your hair. It was just a silly text, you thought, but perhaps it wasn’t for him.

Shrugging, he dismissed your words. “I was craving some junk food too, anyway. And I hadn’t seen you in a while so…”

You bought me pizza? And brought it to my door?

“Oh my god, where are my manners? Please, come in. We’re in the living room,” you told him, freeing your spot to allow him to enter your apartment for the first time

“We?” he asked, and you didn’t have to turn around to know he was lifting a brow at you.

“Me and my friend, Nessie,” you said, showing him to the other girl sitting on the floor by the center table. By now, she had a clearly amused smile on her face, and her eyes sparkled with an excitement that had annoyed you for some reason. “Jason, this is Nessie. Nessie, this is Jason,” you introduced them.

Jason extended his larger hand for her to shake, and she did it way too excitedly. “Oh my, I’m finally meeting your baby daddy,” she sang. You kicked her right at the ribs.

“Nice to meet you too,” Jason said through a breathy laugh. “Although I have to say I’m still not used to being called baby daddy. I mean, you’re just the second person to tell me that, but it’s still weird.”

“Tell me about it,” you wondered out loud, but soon your mind clicked to the fact someone else had called him that when, as far as you knew, only he, you and Nessie knew about your pregnancy.

“So… What did you bring us?” Nessie immediately asked, like the hungry dog she had been all night, scanning through the bags and the pizza boxes he had placed on the center table and pulling you away from your own head..

“Oh, I got you your dessert pizza, like you asked. And I also got a pepperoni one, but I wasn’t sure if you would like it,” he explained, messing up his hair.

“I didn’t ask for it,” you blankly stated.. It wasn’t a lie. You didn’t actually ask for it, you just hinted you were highly interested in one. But having him show up with the object of your cravings at your door not even an hour later had you feeling a bit uneasy, uncomfortable with the fact you kind of made him do it. He stared at you wide eyed, blinking repeatedly, unsure how to proceed.

“Y-yeah. But, I-I just thought I would do you this favor. A-and it had been a while since we talked and…”

“And we are very thankful for it!” your friend cut him off, gladly pushing the awkwardness away. “We were starving cuz this one right here only had salad in her fridge.”

“I’m sorry if I haven’t had the energy to go grocery shopping.” You stuck your tongue out.

“I wouldn’t mind doing it for you, if you want it,” Jason offered, sitting down on the floor beside Nessie.

“I’ll get it done,” you said, following  his move. “Eventually.”

Silently, you each decided to focus on all the food ahead of you. You couldn’t lie, you weren’t sort of enjoying all of this. Not only had he brought you pizza, and the dessert pizza you’d been craving, but he had brought you mini burgers from a place downtown you loved and even a slice of cheesecake.

“Have you checked any of the providers I sent you?” Jason asked, breaking the comfortable silence you had just settled in.

For the last few days, he had sent you tons of options for prenatal providers and doctors, something you knew you should’ve been more attentive to, but that you were avoiding like everything else regarding this pregnancy. You knew that, by this point, you should’ve already scheduled an appointment with a doctor, chosen a provider, and started looking into birthing options and other pregnancy needs. But you just couldn’t get your head into it.

Jason knew you were still not sure about this. The mention of the pregnancy or the baby clearly makes you anxious and uncomfortable. He wanted to take things slow, at your pace, but there were things you couldn’t really postpone, and prenatal checkups were one of them. So, he kept sending you options, just to see if you’d ever reply to any of them, but they always went unanswered. It wasn’t his intention to come to your house to talk about it, in specific, but he had to bring it up at some point.

When he arrived home from your apartment the other night, he immediately called his brother. Dick would know what to do, right? He’s the one with plenty of female experience. Still, he never made the silly mistake of getting one of them pregnant.

“That’s rough, buddy,” was all that he managed to say through the phone. Very helpful indeed. However, he did leave you with one single useful piece of advice: you should find a doctor.

Thus, he proceeded with his research. It felt like he had seen three thousand different doctor’s names, and a plenty of options of healthcare providers. Neither one of them sounded cheap, but it was a necessary expense if he wanted to make sure everything was going to be alright.

And you knew that too. It wasn’t as if you hadn’t checked any of the options. It was just so overwhelming. Every link for a website he had sent was filled with words and expressions you’d never even heard of, leaving you more confused about pregnancies than you’d been before. It was honestly so stressful that you had started to purposefully ignore it.

“I haven’t had the time,” you finally replied, picking out the pepperoni slices off your pizza, pilling them up on the side to eat them all at once. You heard him sighing deeply, and you could feel the annoyance by the way his shoulders trembled. You knew his patience had a limit, and he’d been so sweet and kind to you thus far that simply checking out the options was the least you could’ve done, and yet you didn’t even manage to do that. “It’s… a lot.”

Looking over at him, you observed him with his eyes glued to his pizza slice. You wanted to read his mind, to know what was going through his head at this moment. Was he mad at you? At your seemingly incompetence to do one simple thing? Gosh. You felt the anxious rumbling at your stomach, the same one from weeks ago, and you wanted to curl down and cry.

Why were you like this? What has gotten into you?

“I have an aunt who is an ob/gyn,” Nessie meddled in. “She’s pretty busy these days, but I could try and ask her to see you. If you want.”

Expectantly, Jason watched as you took your time to think. It was a good option, really. If she was busy, it could only mean she was a good doctor, right? And she was in Nessie's family.

“Yeah,” you agreed. A sigh of relief coming from the boy beside you. “I think it would be fine.”

“Great,” she celebrated. Standing up, she grabbed the empty cardboard box and walked to the kitchen. “I’ll call her tomorrow.”

Left alone with Jason for the first time tonight, you returned your attention to your half eaten pizza slice, desperate to focus on anything other than him, but turns out your brain had other plans. It constantly thought of him. He was right beside you, and that’s okay, but you could be occupying your mind with something else.

He too played around with his food, with his hands holding on to an energy drink he’d popped out of one of his bags. You caught a glimpse of the slight movement he did when he tried to offer you some of that same beverage, but he quickly realized perhaps it wasn’t good for the baby.

His veiny forearms were just inches from yours, making the hairs on your body rise up from this almost contact. It was like your body knew he was right there and tried to reach with anything it could get closer to him. You would be lying if you said you didn’t miss his touch. Not in a sexual way, like you’d been, shamefully, at the studio the other day. You missed his bear-like embrace that swept all worry away, that comforted you and helped you relax among so much stress and anxiety.

“I can pick you up. Take you to the doctor by car,” he offered, but something inside you told you he would accept your refusal as a possible response.

“Thank you, I’d love it,” you thanked, searching for his icy blue orbs. You could feel his fingers against yours, rubbing against your skin and sending a shiver up your spine. “And Jason, I’m sorry for what I said earlier, about the pizza thing. I’m just not used to all of this yet.”

“It’s fine, Yn,” he said, finding your eyes with a beaming smile next to his. “We’ll figure things out, eventually.”

Turns out Nessie’s aunt really was busy. Not just busy, but booked and “famous”. If you were to go by the sheer prices attached to her services, she was the Steve Jobs of obstetricians/gynecologists. It got you worried at first, because you weren’t sure your insurance would cover such costs, but Jason told you to not think about it, She managed to fit you, god knows how, in an appointment another two weeks later. But you couldn’t complain, because if you weren't “family”, you’d get to your first appointment with a baby already in your arms.

Every book you’d read, many of them being Jason’s recommendations, told you your first appointment should be scheduled between eight to twelve weeks, and as far as you could tell, you would be just around at your appointment. 

The two weeks went by swiftly, and soon, it was the day of your first prenatal check up. 

You were at work all day, as usual. Your morning had been chaotic, with the beginning stages of preparations for the upcoming spring issue keeping everyone on the edge. However, thankfully, the afternoon treated you all more kindly. Although your feet still ached from all the running around you’d already done, you still roamed around collecting papers, portfolios and coffee cups for your boss.

Pushing the massive glass door open with your shoulder, you entered Sandra’s office with her sample book in hand. The clock approached your leaving time, today a few hours earlier than normal due to “medical” reasons. Not a full lie, but a lie nonetheless. Those kept on repeating, and for the looks of it, they wouldn’t stop any time soon.

You just weren’t ready to tell anyone else yet. Perhaps it wasn’t the right moment, as it was still too early. Perhaps it was you not wanting to accept reality. The more people knew about it, the more real it would become. And you knew very well it wasn’t something you were ready to face, even though at this point you had no escape route left.

“Ym, before you leave, just let Ibra know we’ll be dropping by tomorrow to decide on the new photoshoot details,” your boss requested, not lifting her eyes off the papers on her desk.

“I already called him earlier, he sent you the models for you to check beforehand,” you informed, placing the large portfolio before her table. After rambling out your words, an involuntary sigh came out of you, a sign of your body’s exhaustion after a long day. “We’ll also get the Gucci sets by tomorrow, like expected.”

“Good,” was all you heard in response, and knowing her well, you took it as a sign to leave her to her work. Turning on your heel, you walked back to the door before her voice stopped you right at your tracks. “Yn, are you alright?”

Surprised by her question, one you’d never heard come from her directed at you, your head snapped back towards her direction. “I-I’m fine. It’s just been a long day,” you explained.

“Hmm,” she hummed, removing her designer glasses from her perfectly sculpted nose. “Have you been drinking a lot of water?”

“Yes?” you sort of asked, growing confused.

“Good, it’s important to keep hydrated during your pregnancy.”

You swallowed dry. Your eyes popped from its sockets, and you swore your breathing had stopped. “Sandra, you must be mistaken.”

“Am I?” she simply asked, raising an eyebrow before returning her gaze to her notes. Opening your mouth, you tried to answer something, anything, but no proper sentence seemed to be formed in reply, as your brain was caught completely off guard by her knowledge of your secret. “I don’t know how long you planned on hiding it, nor why, but you were silly to think I wouldn’t notice. You seem to take longer to finish a simple task, you avoided salmon at lunch and said it had a smell, and your size has increased. You forgot I have a 14-month-old at home and a five year old daughter, I know the signs when I see it. Congratulations, from what I know of you, you’re gonna be a great mother. Just make sure to find your substitute at least a month before your due date so they have the time to properly learn the job till you’re gone.”

Staring at your reflection on the glass walls your eyes stop at your stomach. Are you already showing enough? Is she the only person to notice? Of course you didn’t pick the best outfit to hide it today. Your clothes barely fit you anymore, so you had to rely on your dresses, the small collection you owned, to be able to build an outfit. And certainly, the ribbed fabric of the one you wore today didn’t hide any of your curves, no matter how tiny they were.

You stood there, still, unmoving, flabbergasted. If Sandra was capable of so easily finding out your secret, it would be in no time till others could do the same. It was a secret with days counted anyways, you wouldn’t be able to hide it forever even if you wanted to.

“That’s all,” you heard her say, breaking you from your sudden malfunction and getting back to operating mode. You fled her room faster than you ever remember doing, and sank on your chair with the weight of the world weighing you down. Your hands shook, sweating cold, and your heart beat a bit faster. With deep breaths, you tried to keep yourself under control.

“Yn,” you heard someone call, making you jump slightly on your seat. Looking up at the source of the voice, you found the raven haired boy now known as your baby daddy. In your office, right in front of you.

“Jason, what are you doing here?” you scream-whispered from behind your desk. He looked at you confused, as if you’d forgotten your plans for today.

“They let me in when I told them I was here to pick you up,” he explained. “The appointment, remember?”

Standing up hurriedly, you shoved your phone, your planner and the rest of your stuff in the designer bag you’d gotten off the samples given to the magazine. Fleeing your desk, you looked around to see if any of the other secretaries were anywhere close, grabbed Jason’s hand and pulled him with you out of your workplace. “You were supposed to call me when you arrived,” you scolded, pushing open the door.

“Sorry, you just weren’t picking up your phone,” he stated. Of course I wasn't, I was working. 

Dragging him to the elevator, you successfully managed to push him inside before you entered and watched the door slowly sliding closed without having stumbled  into any of your coworkers. Sighing in relief, you allowed your head to rest on the metallic wall. A small win for today. You were taking any victories at this point.

“Who are we running from?” You felt Jason’s breath on your ear, making you jump again. His soft giggle let you know that he found that entertaining. Let’s hope he’d enjoy your elbow to his ribs. “Ouch, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not running from anyone,” you said, crossing your arms on your chest. “I just don’t want to start any gossip in the office. These ladies do like to talk about other people’s lives.”

“Weren’t you and Nessie doing just that the other night?” he teased.

“That’s different.”

“How?” he gave you a sly smirk.

“It was not about my life,” you argued, offering him a smirk in return.

Jason shook his head, leaning on the wall right beside you, close enough that your shoulders touched. But different to the first time you felt him this close, you were not nervous or about to cut his head off. You were actually enjoying his presence. What an era to be alive.

“You look beautiful today,” he complimented you out of nowhere, bumping your shoulder with his playfully.

“You don’t look half as bad,” you replied, and watched both your smiles on the crooked reflection of the elevator door.

It wasn’t long till you arrived at the clinic, but it was enough time for you to fall asleep. Shortly after entering the car, when he was already cutting through other vehicles to avoid the traffic, Jason noticed your head hanging to the side, and even if he tried to fix it back in place, it would instantly fall once again.

He remembered how exhausting your job looked that couple of hours he witnessed by himself, and now must not have been different. Especially considering your pregnancy and the tiredness he’d had been reading about. So he let you nap quietly on your seat, making sure to watch out for your neck as much as he could while handling the road.

You were still groggy when you stepped into the white halls, needing guidance to find your way around. With his hand on your lower back, he took you to the reception, where a bored looking receptionist typed something away for what seemed like an eternity.

“Hi,” you greeted sweetly, a tone he wasn’t much used to hearing from you. “I have an appointment with Doctor Mikaelson.”

“What is your name?” asked the receptionist with an annoying nasal voice that made Jason want to punch her for no other reason than it was just annoying.

“Yn Sn. It’s spelled…” you continued, giving out every bit of information the woman needed. And it was a lot. As your first visit, there was a lot to be filled, and he stood to the side, watching as you answered all of her questions with a patience he hadn’t seen in many people.

There was something in the way you talked to the receptionist, with such poise and connectedness, that had Jason hooked. Leaning his elbow on the tall desk, and resting his cheek in his palm, he watched on as you continued to reply to each and every single question. The strong lighting did not ruin your look in the slightest, and in fact, Jason thought it somehow made you look prettier, something he believed no one else could manage.

The faint winds from the air conditioning blew on your hair, giving you your own magazine photoshoot ambiance. You did not stutter, nor did you take long to answer, all the words flowing from your lips even though he paid no mind to any of them. It wasn’t like the angry girl he used to meet at the gym, nor the one that showed up upset at his doorstep, or even the quiet one you would become around him recently. And he liked to think this was the real one, or at least a better glimpse at it than you’d ever let him see.

“Jason?” he heard you calling, and it was his turn to jump from his place. Giving you an awkward ‘yeah’, he let you repeat whatever it was you had said. “She said I’ll need to take some tests. Would you keep my bag, please?”

“Sure,” he said, fixing his posture and grabbing the rather heavy bag off your hands. “I’ll be sitting right here when you come back.

You nodded, offering him an actual smile, before walking off beside a nurse. He found a seat not too far from where you two were just standing, and watched as you moved away, swaying your hips side to side. Taking his eyes off your ass, he tried to focus on something else, catching a glimpse of the tiny pump on your belly. It wasn’t too noticeable yet, and might as well be some bloating from a heavy meal, but he’d wanted to think it was his baby right there, showing it’s first signs of life just under your care.

He’d been getting excited. Too excited, perhaps, for a baby that wasn’t even planned. But he couldn’t help it. When the initial fear was gone, all he could think about was the baby. His baby. He was going to have a baby. 

All his life, he thought that if there was someone in his family that would have a baby by accident, besides his dad, it was his older brother. Dick was a dick, thought with his dick, and had given it to half the female population of Gotham. When he told him about it, he could not stop laughing, and Jason did think of punching him in the face. Repeatedly. But it was him that made the fear go away at first. Not by taking him out for a drink, which he still did, but by making him see the good in it.

“It’s a baby!”, he said. “You love babies, and you always wanted one.”

It was a baby, it was sort of your dream, and it was with the girl he had a crush on. It could be worse. Sure, there are a lot of changes of plans that he’d have to take from now on, but the good sides were much greater.

His father wasn’t very happy when he told him, though. But Dick, again, came to the rescue. “Jason is smart. He’s always been the level headed one… when he wants it. He’ll figure things out.” And soon, old man Wayne was on board with the new baby. So on board that he had already planned on rebuilding his suite at Gotham Memorial, just for your delivery. Jason had to tell him to calm down a little, you didn’t even know his dad was a millionaire yet.

You took quite long to return. Sitting back down besides him a good forty minutes later, pulling the sleeves of your dress over your hands to protect them from the cold. He handed you your bag back, and you two sat in silence for almost half an hour till the nurse called your name again. This time, with a “the doctor is waiting” along.

“Nervous?” Jason asked, as you two walked side by side to the doctor’s room.

“I was worse,” you replied, giving him a smile he returned gladly. “It won’t get that bad again. I think.”

Different from the waiting room, the doctor’s office was cream colored and the yellow lights much more comfortable. There were books decorating almost every surface, with toys and teddy bears everywhere too. It gave out a sense of comfort you so desperately wanted to find in your pregnancy. Given how everything, all your feelings, had been thus far, it was great that something could actually give you comfort.

“You must be Vanessa’s friend, right?” Doctor Mikaelson said, extending her hand for you to shake. You only nodded, still not used to going on doctors appointments on your own. What were you even going to say?. “And is this your boyfriend?” she asked, and your eyes immediately popped off their sockets.

“No,” you quickly replied. “He’s not… my boyfriend.”

Thankfully, she did not ask for any further explanation. “You can call me Rebecca from now on. Today we’re going to talk a lot, there’s a lot I want to learn about you, so it’s going to be a long appointment. It’s your first visit, am I right?” she questioned, and you just nodded your answer. “Any medical history I should know about? From you and other family members.”

Pulling her chair closer to the expensive looking computer, she prepared to type in the answers to her inquisitions. “No, no. I’m clean. Healthy. No medical history I can remember in my family either. I mean, my dad does have high blood pressure, but that’s it,” you explained, and looking at the moose sat beside you, you expected his answer. “Jason?”

“Erm…” he struggled. “I’m adopted.”

Surprised, your head angled to the side while your eyes were now glued to him, anticipating the rest of his story.

“Do you know anything about your biological parents?” the doctor asked, but he shook his head, ending the subject you so wanted to hear more about.

The appointment went on like this for a while. Questions were made, by both sides, answers were given. Some more explaining on Rebecca’s behalf, and soon the minutes went by swiftly, without you even noticing. It was now time for the ultrasound, as she explained, and while fishing for the items she’d need to perform the exam, you were left by yourselves for a short while.

Standing up, you awkwardly play with your feet as you wait for the doctor’s return. So far, your head was banging with so much information it had received in not much time, and the exhaustion from the full day was starting to catch up to you. Your mind was getting dizzy, and you mentally begged for it to be over soon and for you to be ready to go to bed. But the next step of your visit, and you couldn’t deny it, had you rather excited.

You found your reflection on a tiny mirror. You looked tired, but you looked pretty for such exhaustion. The extra effort put this morning on your look certainly had an effect, hiding, even if a little, your fatigue. As it had been happening for the past few weeks, your eyes soon spotted your belly, and now the tiny roundness it was making.

Your hands hesitated a couple of times. It was as if doing it would burn them, like it was wrong. But they reached it, touched the skin over the warm fabric. Touched you bump. Your still hidden baby. It didn’t look frightening then. Your hands didn’t burn. You just felt the protuberance in your body, the perfect little curve it made, and thought about, how the hell, it was supposed to keep a baby. It looked small and cute now. Tiny in comparison to the size it would get. Much like some of the women you saw in the waiting room, blowing up at any moment. Bellies round and exuberant.

But yours paled in comparison. At least for now. Your baby wasn’t ready to be announced to the world yet, and you preferred it like this. Kept just for the two of you for now. Your sweet little secret. Your sweet little love.

Jason thought you were stunning. He’d been staring at you, feeling your skin, from the side, and each reaction you got of it amazed him. It was a simple act, a touch you certainly repeat, over and over, until the day your baby finally arrived. But he saw beauty in it, nonetheless. He watched your hesitance vanishing, and your comfort was slowly visible. He too wanted to feel it, touch it, but everything in its given time.

“Will you lay down please.” The doctor returned, and as you pulled your dress to free your stomach, she offered you a blanket to cover yourself with. 

Soon, just your tiny bump was out, the lights were off, and Jason stood by your head. Both anxious to hear the sound many boasted about.

“It’s kinda hard to find it,” the doctor said. “It’s still really small.”

Jason’s grip on your shoulder grew tighter as the time passed. He caressed the skin over the material of your dress to compensate for the pressure after whispering an apology to your ear. You didn’t blame him, you too were anxious for it.

“Ha-“ the doctor sang. “Here it is. Look, this tiny thing. This is your baby.”

You didn’t see anything. Just a dot. A tiny little stain on the screen where she pointed at. Yet, it nearly made you cry. There it was. Your baby. In its full tinyness. In its full “hey mommy, you don’t notice but I’m here” energy. You heard sniffing by your ear, and your head snapped to Jason quickly. 

What, he mouthed, and you had to hold in your smile. What a crybaby. Cute, noted.

“And here,” she continued, messing with her station, adjusting levels and pressing buttons. “... is its heartbeat.”

The loud beating echoed through the room. Tudum. Tudum. Till your own had gotten faster. It was on for long, being turned off soon after four beats, but it would stick to you for the rest of the day. The little sounds your baby made. The single sign of its existence within you, sounding like music to your ears. Addictive, delicious to hear. Still in your head as you walked back to your apartment with Jason by your side.

You’d walked up there in silence. Comfortable silence. The long waiting hours and the extensive appointment getting the best of both of your energy levels.

“9 weeks,” he suddenly said. “You’re 9 weeks pregnant.” Joining your eyebrows, you looked at him. “That means we fucked a whole night and went by baby free, but one quickie in a random room had us doomed. The seed is strong- Ouch!”

With a single swing of your bag, you aimed for Jason’s head and hit your target precisely. He tried to dodge another move, but was hit by another swing before getting a hold of your weapon. Your laughter echoed through the small area, loud enough you were sure your downstairs neighbor could hear.

“Shut up,” you shoved him with your shoulder. “Is all of this a joke to you?”

“No, but that was funny,” his laughter joined yours.

Your hands struggled to enter the key on its lock, but soon your door was hanging open.

“Do you want to come in? Eat something?” you offered, still a bit skeptical of his prolonged company. He looked dead in your eye, a while that made you slightly uncomfortable. His icy blue stare makes your body shiver. Replying with a toothless smile, he shook his head.

“I better head home.”

“Are you sure?” you insisted. You didn’t know why, but you kind of wanted his company tonight.

“Yeah. I’m sure you’re exhausted. And I want my bed too, so I better head home before it’s too late for me to drive. You don’t want your baby losing its father this soon, do you?” he joked.

“It would be a tragedy,” you joined in on the fun.

Walking slowly to you, he held your cheek to place a chaste kiss to your forehead. Offering another thin-lipped smile, he turned his back to you and headed for the elevator. “Bye.” He waved.

“Bye, Jay.” You returned the gesture. The sudden use of a nickname made his smile larger.

“Ynie.” He gave you a wink, before disappearing behind the metal doors.

“So… How was the appointment this week?” Nessie questioned, eyes scanning the cool toned garments hanging on tons and tons of clothing racks. It was now Saturday, and you two had gone out shopping, something you hadn’t managed to put your head on for months, but that now managed to free it from any thoughts of your current state. Well, until now.

“It went fine,” you simply stated, avoiding commenting any further.

“You don’t sound too excited.” She raised a brow at you. 

Averting your gaze, you stopped to look through a rack full of coffee tone wool cardigans. The colorful sets of summer were now long gone, giving place to the browns, grays and blacks of the fall/winter seasons. Thin fabrics like silks and linen being traded for thicker, more weather-appropriate substitutes.

Sighing, you allowed your friend’s words to linger in the air for as long as you could. You didn’t want to reply. There was nothing to reply. She knew pretty well your stance. “What’s there to be excited about?” you asked in return, and she gave you an upset look. “I’m having a baby with a guy I hooked up once. Sorry for not jumping around at the news.”

It was her turn to sigh, as you continued to roam around the store looking for anything cute for you to wear, since your clothes were now too small for your still not too visible but obviously growing bump. It was a struggle finding an outfit to go out today, having to make the most out of your summer dresses  in the increasingly chilly days of September.

“I thought you were starting to like the idea,” she commented. Crossing her arms over the rack you were looking through and resting her chin on top of her hands, she forced you to stop avoiding her gaze.

“I was,” you started. “And then I wasn’t. I don’t know. It’s like every hour I have a different opinion on it. But it’s never too happy, or excited about it. And most often than not I regret ever laying eyes on Jason in the first place. I really don’t know what to think,” you swallowed a lump that started to form on your throat, and waited for the burning in your eyes to cease before continuing. “I’m scared, and anxious, and it seems like at every second something could happen to cause a turmoil again and I don’t think I can take another punch to the guts from the universe.”

You took a deep breath. You weren’t going to cry at the mall today. There were no pregnancy hormones, no random mood swings, that would ever allow you to do that in public. Then, the sudden touch of Nessie’s hand on your shoulder helped your breathing ease down.

“Nothing will happen. Don’t overthink it,” she cooed, tugging a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “And you’re having a baby! That’s all you need to be excited about. I know they are little energy suckers, crying loudly monsters, but they’re also so cute and adorable. Like, so cute and adorable you could take a bite out of them. And their giggles, and babbles. C’mon, I remember hearing you talk about your nephew, and how much you loved and missed him. You’re now going to have your own.”

Like a true best friend, Nessie’s words did manage to put a smile on your face. And she was right. You had focused so much on the down sides that you’d completely brushed off all the good ones and how much they could outweigh the others. The mention of your nephew and his baby sister reminded you of how much you’d loved them and how much it hurt to say goodbye to them every time you went back to college.

And you wanted kids. A family. It just happened to be an unfortunate timing.

“C’mon, let’s go.” Before you had the chance to ask where, she was dragging you out of the current store you were at and into another. 

The racks of taller, bigger clothes were soon exchanged by tons of baby clothes, shelves of toys and items now in your line of view. The smell of the store was also more pleasing, exhaling the scent of lavender through it’s entire length. Pulling out a tiny baby onesie from a table right at the front of the store, Nessie nearly shoved it in your face before continuing her rant. 

“Look at how cute this is. Can’t you imagine your baby in it? It’s so small and scary to think it can fit a human,” she joked, earning your giggle. It really was cute, and the picture of your baby in it made your tummy flutter. “And look at this one!” she nearly screamed, showing you a cute flowery knitted sweater. “I’m pretty sure my mom could make you tons of this. No shade to this store,” she lowered her tone as if anyone would hear. “But it’d be a lot cheaper, and prettier. Did I tell you before she knits?”

One by one, Nessie continued to show you random clothes and toys she kept seeing around and that got her excited. A music toy had you two concentrated on for an embarrassing two minutes before you realized your ages were not appropriate to the toy’s recommendation. You two laughed aloud at the images you both pictured of you and your baby, your future with each and every one of these items in it. Suddenly, the idea didn’t sound bad at all in your mind, and you actually found yourself getting excited about it for the first time. 

At some point, even a worker had come to your side and started handing you things your baby would certainly need once it was here, and your brain got clouded with all the new information she had offered you in such a short amount of time. You were going out of the store with empty hands, but a long list of items you had to start sorting out.

A few minutes later and you were on your way out. That was when it caught your eyes. The fluffiest and cutest baby romper. It was golden brown and had bear ears and even a little fluffy tail, just like the ones you’d seen all over your socials from even before this state was an idea of your future.

Heading in its direction slowly, you took it from the rack, feeling the soft fabric in your hands. Your mind instantly being filled with images of your baby wearing it, not any unknown baby. Yours. Maybe by the age it was big enough to be strolling around in it, its cute little steps as you followed it around. Or still tiny so you would have to carry it around like a real teddy bear.

You felt your eyes watering. Your baby in it. Your baby strolling around. The cutest little legs and hands. Yours. Turning around to face your friend, you suddenly found yourself determined. “I’m taking this.”

It wasn’t only the romper you took. You left the store with bags almost full to the brim. In them, you had a cute  pumpkin onesie, already in the mood for halloween, plushies and a few toys that had you and your friend entertained, tiny baby gloves and socks, beanies and packages of diapers Nessie had insisted it was never too early to start stocking up on. 

“Babies go through those like crazy,” she told you, and then you had a bag full of them in your hands heading back to your apartment. May your credit card deal with the cost of all this later.

It felt good. It sort of felt… right. If you were really going to keep this baby, you’d have to get stuff at some point too. Correct? You weren’t softening to the idea, you were just being precautious.

But Nessie was right. Babies were adorable and you missed the ones in your life. Your nephew, and his little sister you mostly watched grow up through phone screens and instagram posts, were far away from you, living their lives despite your absence. You worked your whole life to get away from your parents power umbrella, and not only you’d not dare to return, but coming back with a baby was perhaps the worst thing you could do.

All the stress and work you’d gone through to get to Gotham couldn’t just be thrown out your window. Not for you, not for your sister. Although it hurt them to see you leave, they were always in full support of your choice. Your manumission.

A family. You told Jason you’d never had one. It wasn’t true. Although to your parents you were mere tokens of their “perfect” job as “parents”, as society people, they were never family. Your sisters were. And even though it was in an odd way, you loved and cared for each other dearly throughout your entire life.

It pained you to see each one of them leave your household, one after the other, for completely different reasons. Until you were all alone. And then you had no family. No one to rely on. No one to care for you in your parents' perpetual absence. Until you managed to leave yourself, even if it took you a lot of compromise and convincing.

Arriving on your floor with your bags in hand, faces stamped with laughter and aching feet, you stopped in your tracks as one single detail was capable of ceasing your happiness.

In front of you stood your door, spread open. The lights inside were on, and the well known sound of a female voice, humming along to a muted tune and moving things around. There were only two people that had your apartment keys, and they never meant anything good when they were around.

Brushing the anxious thoughts aside for a couple of hours had worked for nothing, because the worst of your nightmares had just become a reality.

“Take the bags with you,” you turned to your friend, shoving the bags in your hands onto her chest. “Please.”

“Yn, are you alright?” Nessie asked. Worry eating her up from just one look at your frightened expression.

No, I’m not fucking fine, you wanted to answer, but the words didn’t come out of your mouth. Instead, all you did was lose your breathing pace, getting hectic by the second, and your mind went numb.

“Yn, dear. Is that you?” you heard the ladylike voice of your mother calling from inside. Her steps soon too reached your ear, and her shadow approached the door behind you.

“Please, Nessie,” you begged. “Can you take this to your apartment? I’ll pick it up once they’re gone. They can’t see it, they can’t know I’m preg…”

“Oh. Were you two out shopping?” your mother asked excitedly. In good motherly fashion, or at least that was what she always did, she hurried her way to your side, grabbing the bags and eyeing up their content. Her hawk-like eyes scanned through each item carefully. There was no privacy at the Sn’s household, it wasn’t about to change now.

“Nessie’s cousin is pregnant,” You shoved the bags into your friend’s hands, away from your mother’s prying ones. “We were getting her things, you know, for her baby shower. We might’ve gotten too excited though, wasn’t it Nessie? We got too many things, but they were all so cute we couldn’t just not get them!”

You offered her a fake smile, forcing Nessie to join along. It often surprised you how good you were at lying, how fast you could come up with a good story. But maybe all those years of practice served you some good. It all came down to telling the truth, but not all of it. Always hiding something, always leaving details behind.

“I love baby showers. It still pains me you weren’t there for little Macey’s one, Yn. You said you had finals, or something, and couldn’t come. A shame really, your sister put so much thought into it for you to not be there. If only you’d gone to our local college, you could’ve taken just a few minutes of your day to be supportive of your family.”

“Mom,” you hissed, earning an angry glare in return. “Not here, please. Let’s go inside.”

“Fine,” she accepted, hips swaying as she followed you along. “Won’t your friend want to have some tea with us?”

“No,” you immediately cut her off. “She has things to do. For work.” Throwing your friend an apologetic glance, you closed the door behind you, locking yourself into your own hell for god knows how long.

“What are you doing here?” you inquired once you reached your living room.

“What are those manners?” she replied annoyedly. “Check your tone next time you ask me this, sweetie. It seems like you’re not pleased to have your parents around.”

“I-I’m sorry, you two just caught me by surprise. That’s all,” you excused, stuttering the words that you had managed to get out. “Where’s father?”

“In your room.” 

Your heart stopped. What was he doing in your room? Why was he there? Why were you acting like you didn’t know the answers to those questions? All your life, all your parents did was snoop around, trying to find each and every way they could keep a hold of you, of your life, of your likes. Of everything.

You didn’t remember all you had hidden in your bedroom, and what was still hanging around, at an easy reach of his hand. But you couldn’t deal with the risk of him finding something, anything, that might lead them on to your condition. 

Rushing through the corridor that led to your bedroom, you stumbled on the larger body of your father as you reached your bedroom door.

“Careful, Yn,” your father told you raspily. “Looking for something?”

His tone carried a note, a warning. He was on to something. Like a shark, he smelled blood in your attitude, preparing to attack at any moment you let something slip.

“Nothing,” you lied. “Just wanted to see you. I missed you.” You embraced your arms around his torso with difficulty, his round belly much bigger than yours and forbidding you from completing the embrace. He pushed you away not one second after you touched him, giving you a frown before heading back to the living space.

You held in your sigh, too scared he might catch on to your relief. Scanning your room quickly, you didn’t find a thing out of place and any clue he was onto something. So, quietly, you return to their presence in the small kitchen.

Their voices were blurry as you washed their dishes on your sink. They’d make themselves feel at home, cooking and eating in your home without waiting for your presence nor caring to leave you something. Your mind was elsewhere. It was in the moment they’d be gone. It was on you all alone again.

“Yn,” your father’s voice thundered through the room, making your head snap back to him in an instant. “Your mother has been talking to you.”

Staring blankly at him, you faltered a reply. “I’m sorry, I’m just a bit distracted.”

“Well, get your stuff together. Your mother is talking and you should listen. Here, I’m finished with this plate.”

Keeping yourself from rolling your eyes, you dried your hands and walked in his direction, aiming to get the plate and move as quickly as you could. However, you weren’t counting with your father, who didn’t even dare to look at you to hand you his place, knocked on your bag that was standing right beside him on the table on the floor. Its content spilled on the wooden tiles, revealing keys, hair ties, your wallet and envelopes of paper.

You tried to be fast, you swore you did, but your mother was faster. Grabbing the envelope from the floor, she looked at you worriedly. “Sweetie, have you been to the hospital?”

“No. No, no. I haven’t. Must be someone else’s. Got mixed up in my stuff.”

“But it has your name in it,” she said, already skimming through the pages. You place the plate back on the table, moving to grab it off her hands when her wide eyes disapproving stare told you she had found what you’d feared the most.

“Let me see it,” your father demanded. He took the papers from your mother’s hand with ease, as her strength had already vanished from her body. Her face was pale, and her eyes held a sorrow you’d only seen in her eyes once, and it was not in a good day.

“Daddy, don’t,” you cried, but it was already too late.

The veins in his face pumped up blood like crazy, making his face turn into the deepest shade of red you’d ever seen in someone else’s face. His eyes scanned the words in front of him rapidly, shifting from one side to the other, but always returning to the same spot at the top.

“Grab your things,” he spat out. “Grab your damned fucking things.”

Swallowing dry, his words fell from one ear to the other, not stopping at your brain to be processed in your thoughts. You were reactionless, staring blankly back at him.

“Are you deaf?” he nearly screamed, grabbing your arm with a strength you knew would leave a mark. “Who is it? Who is the father?”

“I-I,” you tried to speak, but any word that came out was stuttered. Your father shook you for an answer, like you do with a snack machine that is not working. “I don’t know.”

“YOU DON’T KNOW?” This time he fully screamed. You felt a tear pool by the corner of your lip, and it was then you realized you’d already started to cry. “You have been whoring yourself around to the point you don’t know who the bastard is?”

“Daddy, I-I…”

You felt your cheek burn. The image of his fingers now printed on your face. “I’m not your father. I did not raise a daughter to be a whore, to have a child out of wedlock after everything I have done to you. You’re an ungrateful bitch if you ask me. Wife, here is the reason why she so desperately wanted to be away from her family. To be whore. To give herself out to men she doesn’t even remember. Your daughter is a slut, and if that is the life she plans on living, then let her be on her own.”

His words hit you harder than his hand did. It pained you from within, tearing your heart apart. You sobbed by now, the tears making your vision blurry. He pushed you down the corridor and into your room.

“Get your things and get away from this house.”

You did as he said. The apartment wasn’t yours, you didn’t pay any of your bills. You spat on the plate you ate from, as they say. You had everything. Even if they tried to send you back, they still gave you everything you owned. And you were reckless enough to throw it all away.

Your hands trembled while you tried to fetch your luggage from the upper shelf of your closet. Your mother soon entered the room, and you hoped that for once she would stay on your side. That for once she’d coddle you, say everything would be okay and she would fix everything. But she didn’t. She didn’t even look at you. Just grabbed your clothes from the closet and the stuff off your drawers and shoved them all into your luggage and a few bags she’d found around.

“I’m so disappointed,” she whispered to herself before looking at you. “So disappointed. We put our trust in you. I should’ve never allowed you out of my sight in the first place.”

“Mom,” you cried out, voice a trembling mess. “Mom, I didn’t…”

“Save it,” she cut you, handing you a backpack. “Just save it.”

You walked out of the room with tears filled eyes, meeting your father by the door, waiting to lead you out. When you approached him, he resumed his grip onto your arm. “Too late for tears now.”

Pulling you towards the elevator, he went in with you. You wanted to it all to be over already, but he wasn’t keen on ending his torture.

“When this freak comes out of you, remember your parents. Remember those who have treated you right just for you to fuck them over. And I wish, oh how I wish it, that this kid treats you just as bad as you did us tonight. Get out of here, I don’t want you one feet close to this building. I don’t care where you go. You managed to find a guy's dick, you’ll figure things out. Leave.”

Throwing you onto the streets, you fell straight to the floor. He spat in front of you, and walked back into the apartment building. He told the doorman something, probably to never let you in ever again. Struggling, you stood up, grabbed your stuff with trembling hands, and walked away. 

You didn’t know where to. You just knew you needed to go. As the tears blurred your sight, you walked into the darkness of the night. Aimless, senseless, and you hoped for, painless. But the aching on your heart told you you’d have a long night ahead. Alone, cold, pregnant, and fucked over.

Great. Just fucking great.

.

.

tag list: @igotanidea ; @acornacreacure ; @amberpanda99; @erochuu ; @gone-batty-fics ; @jasontoddslover ; @jkvolgs ; @just-lost-inbetween-worlds ; @killxz ; @kysrion ; @loonymoonystuff ; @munimunni ; @novs9011 ; @spideytingley ; @starcrossedtrek ; @strawberryforks ; @sttrawberries ; @vanillaattack ; @veryfabday ; @vissavin ; @xxsweetnlowxx ; @willieoo ; @wordsfromshona

[berriweb]

╰┈➤ ❝ GRAVEYARD SHIFT SHENANIGANS ❞

: ̗̀➛ ft. johnathan ohnn (the spot) x gn! reader

: ̗̀➛ warnings. y/n is strapped, johnny gives second hand embarrassment

: ̗̀➛ note. if you were the one getting robbed instead, i didn’t proof read this so if you saw a typo no you didn’t

only the restless and the crazies are awake at 3 am, and the only thing that those have in common are that they both have nothing better to do with their time. what does that make you?

The streets were quiet.

If you were lucky, every so often you’d hear the sounds of a car speeding down the road (likely well above the speed limit) or groups of people shouting and ranting while searching for a cab or an Uber after a long night at the bar across the street. It was rare, however, and you were more often than not left alone with your own thoughts to drown out the sounds of the fluorescent lights above you buzzing unnecessarily loud and the quiet pop songs playing on repeat from the speakers mounted in the ceilings.

Anyone else would run from the idea of being left in such a dull and lacking environment, but for you the nights spent sitting idly behind the counter waiting for the rare human interaction was necessary to keep your lights on and your ass out of the streets.

When you’d first heard the corner store was looking for a new employee to work the graveyard shift after the last worker quit due to a recent attack from a rouge villain that left him too paranoid to run the store alone, you were heavily against the idea despite your friend’s insistence that it was good money and she knew you needed it after hearing your previous complaints about your current job not being enough to cover both your bills and your meals. Knowing how prevalent crime could be, especially considering the part of town you lived in, who in their right mind would accept that job offer?

Luckily for you, you didn’t seem to be in your right mind. After a few convincing words and a quick interview with the grouchy owner of the store, you were welcomed with somewhat open arms and after two weeks of half assed training, you were successfully spending nearly all of your nights running the corner store after the sun went down.

Now it’s been two years, and as much as you love the security you feel knowing that you’re good at what you do, it can tend to get a bit boring on quiet nights.

You’d take the silence over the nights where you’d get visits from shady men coming in to withdraw a questionable amount of money and drug addicts who’d harass you for a few dollars to get a fix or were just completely off their rocker.

To make up for the lack of entertainment, you popped in an earbud and put on a podcast to drown out your thoughts, mindlessly flipping through the same magazines you’d been looking through for the last 4 hours of your shift. At some point celebrity drama had become more boring than the silence so you resulted to working on the puzzles and mind games on the back, so consumed in a sudoku game that you almost didn’t notice the sound of the scratching of metal and the small rusted bell jingling as the door to your store creaked open. As soon as it registered, you set the book down, sitting up, alert and ready as you eyed the new customer who had the pleasure of gaining your attention for the next few minutes they’d been in.

If there was one thing your shitty training had taught you it was to keep an eye out and be observant, more often than not the creeps came out at night and the last thing you wanted was to end up on the news with a bad id picture because you didn’t notice a man entering the store with a gun cocked and ready.

As a result, you’d gotten pretty good at profiling some of your customers and taking note of things that most people normally would pay no mind too. This man was no different.

Your alarms went off the moment he walked in, but you weren’t exactly sure which red flag set it off. Maybe it was the way he was dressed, in a big blue brown coat covering most of his upper half with the collar popped to hide his neck, topping it off with a brown bucket had covering most of his hat and what you thought were sunglasses. Maybe it was how you couldn’t tell what the glasses were due to his head being tilted down and his gaze locked on the floor and his own two feet. Or it could’ve been how you couldn’t get a good look at his bottom half aside from what you believed were black spotted white pants due to how quickly he scurried to the counter, his entire body tilting under your gaze as he seemed to be really shifty and refused to meet your eyes.

The only physical feature you could really make out about the person was that they were really, really pale and just from your angle you could tell he was a decently tall man.

“How can I help you?” Were the first words you chose to utter to him, trying to get an idea of what he wanted and why he seemed to be so nervous and fidgety, outlined by the way his hands messed with the hem of his coat.

“I- um,” he cleared his through, and you could sense the nervousness in his voice. His tone was light but held weight like he was hiding something or was guilty of something worse, “where is your restroom?”

What were the odds that he actually had to go? You’d had your fair share of people with the same mannerisms asking for the same thing and majority of the time they were using in the restroom, leaving you to pick up after the mess of tissue and needles, or worse, they’d leave behind, but something in your gut told you that wasn’t the case, and you couldn’t refuse him service based on a hunch.

Reaching behind you without taking your eyes off the man, you opened a drawer and pulled out a rusted keychain, clearing your throat and holding it out for him. “In the back, first door on your left, try not to make a mess,” you instructed and nodded your head towards the open corner in the back of the store.

With a small thank you, the unknown man quickly snatched the key from your grasp and made his way to the back with haste, though not without you notice the strange texture of his skin for the brief moment your fingers touched, and not without him eyeing the ATM machine he passed on his way back.

What was his deal?

A few minutes had gone by since he went to the back. You’d paused your podcast and sat silently, your gaze constantly shifting from the front doors to the back as you waited for him to reappear. Your negative attitude might have been uncalled for, he may have just been a regular guy who stopped at the first place that had an available bathroom, but you knew better than to be that hopefully. Moments later after you’d returned to your magazine, you heard a door open and footsteps, followed up by buttons clicking and pointed beeping noises. When you looked back, he was out and standing in front of the ATM, hesitantly pushing buttons.

You couldn’t tell if he was trying to make himself seem busy on the machine or was really anxious about pulling money. It could’ve been the case that he was taking out a lot for something that wasn’t exactly legal. Drugs, a sex worker maybe? It was none of your business, so long as he kept it out of your store.

You turned back to your magazine to avoid him noticing your constant staring, but about a minute later you perked up at the sound of a loud screech, silent curses and the sound of loud banging. Your senses heightened as you turned around again in your chair, and it took a moment to process the sight in front of you. The man had managed to climb on top of the machine, or at least that’s how you assumed he got up there, jumping up and down on the machine in a hurry. It was hard to piece together until you realized that the machine was now halfway through the ground, courtesy of a large black gaping hole that you were certain wasn’t there before. What the hell?

Your hand reached for the drawer under your register faster than you could process, being far too use to this drill. Your hands searched the drawer without your eyes leaving him before pushing it closed after discreetly pulling out your weapon. It wasn’t often that you needed the gun, but it’s better safe than sorry.

Quietly, you stood up from your chair and left from behind the counter, sneaking up on the man by tiptoeing through the aisles. Assuming he was a criminal, he wasn’t very good at keeping an eye out as he hadn’t noticed you creeping up on him from behind until you were mere feet away and turned off the safety, raising your arms with it pointed at his head. Unnecessary? Maybe, but you weren’t dumb enough I charge unarmed, not if he could be a serious threat.

“Freeze!” Yikes, maybe that was too officer-ey? Your tone was assertive, but your assumption that he could be a hero deflated and was thrown out the window as he reacted far too slow, turning around nearly jumping out of his (pants?), letting out a scream that could put a little girl at Disneyland to shame. His arms flailed and he lost his footing on the ATM, falling over only for another portal to open on the ground and swallowing him whole. He reappeared in a portal on the ceiling behind you and you jumped, turning around just in time to see him fall through, his torso hitting the top of a shelf and sending all of the condiments falling before he hit the ground. You couldn’t help but wince, that had to hurt, but kept your grip on the gun firm as he struggled to his feet.

Leaning against a display to pull himself off, he mistakenly put too much faith in the rickety stand and it toppled over, bags of snacks matching the other items scattered on the ground. He let out a groan of pain and when he stood, somewhat fully as he seemed to have bad posture, you watched the now broken sunglasses fall off of his face, or rather lack thereof, his hat falling to the ground.

He had no face. Where it should’ve been, there was a large, black gaping hole with no way to see anything inside. In fact, it wasn’t just his face, as you soon came to realize that he wasn’t wearing pants, those dots were his skin. He had no human distinguishable features, what you had assumed to be pale skin was actually paper white, decorated with black hopes all across his legs, seemingly his entire body. His coat still remained, but you were willing to bet that his torso was covered in the same holes as the rest of his body. If not for the humanoid figure, voice, and his clumsy personality you wouldn’t have known he was human, assuming he was.

“Wait wait wait! Please- pLEASE don’t shoot! I’m not dangerous I swear I’m a good guy, well I’m not because I’m robbing you but I’m not really robbing you-” as he seemed to start to ramble on, the confusion started contorting your face and he seemed to notice, laughing nervously with his hands still raised as he took a step back. “See, I’m not really a criminal but because I look like this now no one will hire me and I have to resort to robbing stores to support myself, you know?” As he spoke he attempted to shake an empty can that his foot lodged itself in, leaning down to pull it off while keeping a hand up which reminded you that you still held him at gun point.

While you were still only beginning to process what the hell was going on, you hypothesized that the more stressed or worked up he seemed to be, the more out of control his holes became, as the seemed to shift and swirl on his body more and more as he continued to rant. “I’m kind of like my own Robin Hood, you know the whole steal from the rich give to the poor? Except I kind of am the poor, at least I am now. I used to have a good job at Alchemax before they turned me into this, but I can thank Spider-Man for that too-” Alongside that, they popped up far more often, proven by how he suddenly toppled into another, emerging from the wall next to you and hitting the floor head first, wincing as he stood up, this time without the can, it instead falling from a different hole that appeared next to his head, hitting him square in the face before disappearing into another hole.

Without realized it, your arms slightly lowered and you resulted to watching the poor man’s sad attempts at controlling his mutation/power, finding it both pitiful and amusing. “But that’s besides the point! You really shouldn’t shoot me I swear I’ll be out of your hair, which looks great- by the way, as soon as I can I really don’t mean any harm!”

Pulling his arm out of a half closed hole, he suddenly straightened up, managing to stand in one place without being thrown around like a rag doll. Silence remained as you seemingly stood still and stared at him for what seemed like an eternity but was only a few seconds before you pursed your lips, looking down as a hand came up to your mouth to muffle the sounds.

“What- what are you doing?” He questioned you, and while there was no expression on his face you had a feeling he was looking at you with a puzzled look, only for his question to be answered when you suddenly doubled over, the muffled snicker turning into chuckles, which lead to giggles up until you were howling with laughter, hardly able to catch your breath. You left him standing there thinking you must’ve lost your mind. “Why are you laughing?!” You could only respond with more cackling, leaning against a wall and inhaling deeply to make up for the lack of air you could consume.

“What’s so funny?! This isn’t a joke!” He sounded both surprised and slightly offended, which you felt slightly bad for but given his methods you couldn’t help it, and by the time you started to calm down as he stupidly stood there, the pieces seemed to finally click on everything he was telling you, from what you knew anyway.

“Are you sure?” Were the first words that left your mouth, and he seemed baffled by your reaction. “Yes I’m sure! What’s your deal? I’ll have you know I spent a lot of time planning this out!” You highly doubted that.

The holes were definitely hard to get your mind behind, but as your brain tried to process you suddenly reminded the can while a portal, unbeknownst to you, opened up behind you. Where did it go?

BANG!

A sharp pain raced through the back of your head and the man’s hands went up to where his mouth would’ve, or rather should’ve, been. “Ohmygosh I am SO sorry, I swear I didn’t mean to!”

“Yeah, I figured!”

Reaching up to feel the back of your head, a throbbing pain settled in, but luckily no blood so you deemed it safe. You didn’t have to see it to hear the apologetic tone in his voice, and after that entire fiasco you could only feel bad for the poor guy. He clearly hadn’t been built for a life of crime, but unfortunately decided that it was his path.

“Listen,” you got his attention by showing off you lowering the weapon, before nodding your head up towards the ceiling and giving a pointed look to two corners of the store. “The cameras in here are really old, they don’t have audio and the video quality is horrible. I can edit the footage to an extent before I leave, but if the time gap between the frames is too long it might get suspicious and I’m not losing my job over you.”

You slowly raised your weapon as you looked back at him, turning the safety back on. “I’m going to act like I’m holding you at gunpoint and threatening to call the cops, all you have to do is snatch the gun when I ‘accidentally’ drop it, kind of switch the roles around, you get me? I can get you some money from the safe before I call the cops but you have to be quick-”

“Wait, hold on, you’re helping me?” He asked incredulously, his shoulders falling as he pointed at his chest. You resisted the urge to roll your eyes.

“I am, you honestly don’t seem like a bad guy and it’s not coming out of my paycheck, so long as next time you try to pull this you don’t do it here.”

If he had one, his jaw surely would’ve been on the floor. “I can’t even begin to thank you, you’re a saint! Is this a trick? I can’t repay you for this-” he started on again, but you cut him off be gesturing towards the weapon again to remind him of your words before dropping it.

Luckily for you, he was able to catch on pretty quickly and took the gun. His acting was mediocre at best, but you doubted anyone would look at the footage closely enough to notice how amateur he seemed as he pointed it at you, he hadn’t even turned the safety off. He demanded you take him to the safe before you reminded him that the cameras couldn’t hear him and there wasn’t a need for the menacing voice, to which he sheepishly apologized. After letting him stuff his pockets with as many of the bills as he could fit, you yelled to stop him before he could race out the door.

“The gun. I need it back.”

“Oh, yeah, right…” he chuckled and left it on the counter, taking a few awkward steps back. Your curiosity got the better of you and you leaned forward from behind the counter. “You did a whole lot of talking but I never got your name.”

Flustered, he seemed to point at himself as if he were confused on why you were asking him, but replied, “I am…the Spot.”

The same feeling bubbling up in your chest as you eyed his stance and the sudden voice change, you brought a hand up to your mouth, and his shoulders fell yet again.

“You’re seriously laughing? Again?!”

“No! No, I’m not,” you tried to defend, but the giggle you let out before clearing your throat and biting back a smile said otherwise. Luckily you were able to control it this time. “It’s just- what kind of awful parents have the honors of giving you that name?”

“It’s my villain name! Not my real one!” He hissed.

“Then what’s your real name?”

He looked at you puzzled, possibly wondering why you wanted to know so much, but at the same time it’d been a while since anyone had shown genuine interest in him so he obliged.

“Johnathan.”

“Johnathan,” you repeated slowly, as if you were resting out the name in your mouth, making his stomach warm up with an indescribably annoying feeling. “Alright, Johnny. Have a good night. You might want to get lost before the cops show up.”

He turned around as if to leave before pausing yet again, turning his head back. “Wait, I never got your name?”

“Then I guess you’re going to have to come back another time to find out.” Bold, and completely not your style, but something told you that you and Johnathan were going to get along nicely. “Preferably not to rob me though, and without making a big mess I have to inevitably clean.”

You gestured to the mess of food and other miscellaneous items that had fallen off of mostly toppled shelves, and Johnathan gave a sheepish apology. “I’ll be back.”

“I’m counting on it.”

He disappeared into the night, or rather a black portal that opened under his feet once he stepped outside, and you were once again left sitting behind the counter and alone with your thoughts, the sounds of distant sirens getting louder every second, only this time you had something to look forward too the next time you clocked in and the Spot had a new motivation for his newfound criminal activity.

[yanderes-galore]

yandere hcs for fake Charlie from the book trilogy with a darling who's a robot like her? Please and thank you! ^^

I didn't have many ideas but this was what I could get down :( Hope you still like it! It ended up platonic for the most part, my bad-

Yandere! Platonic! Fake Charlie/Baby with Robot! Darling

Pairing: Platonic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Attachment issues, Isolation, Kidnapping, Clingy behavior, Some angst, Parental neglect (William), Delusional behavior, Violence mention, Forced/Dubious companionship.

I feel you could have been created by Henry or William.

It doesn't really matter.

You are not an animal, you are most likely an android similar to Baby and Charlie.

You could probably be a form of Charlie or something else entirely.

I feel naturally Baby's obsession is going to be platonic towards you.

This is due to the fact you're both robotic creations.

However, at first there's resentment and jealousy.

Baby would have a hard time getting along with you if you were built by Henry or Afton.

Baby has… attention issues.

She thinks the only way she can be happy is by appeasing her father.

Although she may change her mind as she watches and interacts with you.

You could be a robot allowed to interact with others like Charlie, or be one usually very isolated.

If you were Henry's creation you may be raised like a sibling to Charlie.

If you were Afton's then he is more likely to keep you isolated rather than out and about.

Baby originally blames you for her emotions even if you aren't the problem.

That is until you don't respond with resentment….

Instead you either treat Baby like a friend or sibling.

If you were Afton's creation then you slowly end up convincing Baby that maybe she doesn't need Afton's adoration…

You don't expect anything of her… you're made of metal like her… and while you aren't possessed…

You don't hate her.

You just want to treat her kindly.

It may just be your programming or you can think on your own, either way…

Baby ends up getting attached to you.

If you were Henry's creation and able to go outside, you meet her when she pretends to be Charlie.

You treat her as a sibling and friend… which ends similarly to the previous answer.

One way or another I can see Baby's perception of you changing from resentment to… attachment.

Baby is quite the lonely character due to her being neglected by her father as Elizabeth.

As a result she may cling to any affection you give her, no matter your motive.

She understands you may not be a real person… but really… she isn't either.

You may not have a soul, but she still finds herself often coming back to you.

Even after following orders from her father she looks for you to vent and calm down.

She loves William… he is her father.

Yet you've given her more attention than him and you're not even flesh and blood.

I don't have many ideas for this unfortunately but I do feel that's how her attachment would start.

After the attachment begins is when she begins her yandere behavior.

She frequently visits you, she shows distaste towards those around you… she feeds off any attention you give her even if it may not be genuine.

If you hang out with Charlie's friends then she tries to isolate you from them to have your attention.

If you stick by Afton most of the time then she quickly deals with what he needs before dragging you off.

Baby can be demanding, at least this version of her is.

Afton may allow her to keep interacting with you… although there is a possibility that he may ask her to dismantle you.

This thought is something Baby has trouble with.

Part of her wants to appease William… the other wants to keep your attention.

I don't feel like Baby could harm you, even if you were a robot like her.

Instead she'd find a way to isolate you away where no one could search for you.

That way she can tell her father you're dead yet still keep you!

Overall I feel Baby would resent a fellow robot like you similar to Charlie.

Yet over time she begins to realize you may be a blessing in disguise.

Due to how you make her feel she'd keep you hidden away from all prying eyes.

If she has to kill, she will.

If she has to lie, she will.

Robot or not… you give Baby just what she's been craving.

She's always wanted attention… as long as she has you locked away… she can have it whenever she wants now.

[saturnisfallingdown]

what’s going on with dan and phil? did one of them just cone out?? i thought they were already gay?

HI NORA LMAOOOOOO . YEAH THIS MUST BE REALLY FUNNY FROM THE OUTSIDE ... but they are in fact already out and have been since 2019!!

the modern day context of what got them on the trending page of every social media at once is:

dan released a proshoot of his stand-up special (very good btw !!!) on youtube and it resulted in this exchange on twitter

[ID: A screenshot of Twitter, showing a tweet from Daniel Howell (@/danielhowell), linking to the We're All Doomed! Full comedy special, and saying "presenting my live theatrical comedy show that asks - when the world is this bad, should we all just give up and die? enjoy/sorry/thank you🧡". Phil Lester (@/AmazingPhil) quote retweets the post, reading "every time i see this it makes me laugh and cry at the same time until i’m a shaking mess on the floor. great show thanks danny!!". A reply from Daniel Howell reads "🧡". End ID]

fans went bananas because thats far more public sincerity than is normal from either of them. this led to your normal combo of "awe they support each other's creative projects so much 🧡" and "PHAN IS REAL ??" posting. this all exploded about 1000x over when this morning dan posted a screenshot of the whole interaction to his youtube community page just saying

[ID: A Youtube Community post from Daniel Howell, reading "gay" with a video link and attached screenshot of the previous twitter interaction. End ID]

[lunarspiral1127]

Alright, now let's actually talk about X-Men 97 episode 9 *SPOILERS ALSO SOME RANTING INCOMING*

The results of Magneto's worldwide blackout

Uh, I think Magneto's omega level moment to stop the Prime Sentinels and the Spider-Man cameo got me distracted on what his EMP also did to the world, which is not good.

Yeah, so thousands have died because of this, mutants are being hunted down more than ever, and the world's gonna end in less than 12 hours. So....Magneto made things worse for everybody, mutants and humans.....god dammit.

So, because of this Magneto is also something to deal with as well as Bastion (even though this was all Bastion's fault and the mastermind behind everything, including the massacre, but okay 😒). This means he's back to being an enemy, which I don't like. He was doing good as a protagonist, and just for him to revert back to being an antagonist again?! I mean, I get why, I just don't like it. Even when, again, BASTION IS RIGHT THERE!!! *sigh* I guess with the time limit, they gotta deal with both of them and fix Earth.

Asteroid M again? Didn't Magneto try this before back in the previous show, and it backfired? In fact, he only recruited two others, which I'll get to later. Why isn't he saving more of his kind and bring them to Asteroid M? Maybe he just started and went to the X-Men first before going to find and rescue other mutants Yeah, as you can tell, I'm liking where this is going for Magneto.

Storm and Forge

THANK GOD SHE'S BACK! AND SHE'S BACK IN THE INTRO WITH HER BLACK OUTFIT TOO, I MISSED HER SO MUCH! 😭

Jubilee and Jean hugging her at different times was so nice. And, Beast and Forge greeting each other was nice too. Gotta cling to the good moments cause things get bad....REAL BAD.

More of Storm and Jean's sisterhood which was sweet. But, did they let her know about Nate being Cable and that it was Madelyn, a clone, that she interacted with during that timeskip before she left? Cause I feel like Storm needs to know about that.

As bummed out as I was that the two wouldn't confront either Sinister or Bastion, I do understand why. Storm's powers are great for taking out multiple targets, and we do need more moments with the two.

I don't believe their dead. It'll be total bullcrap for the two to reunite with the others as well as them caring for each other, just for them to die like that. So, yeah, they'll be fine.....they freaking better.

Still wish Forge contacted the rest of X-Factor to have a big team up and get some extra help.

More classic outfits

I do like some of them, like Storm's, Rogue's, Cyclop's (although, I'll miss seeing his hair), and Wolverine's brown and yellow.

However, I'm not a fan of Jean's Marvel Girl outfit. I like her 90s outfit that she had before better.

Also, Morph's outfit is just the yellow and blue but with big shoulder pads....why?

So, Roberto's a member of the X-Men now? So, he got an outfit too, but I wish we could've seen the buildup for him being a member. Last time I checked, he wasn't interested in being a member, but still hung out with Jubilee and became his boyfriend. The outfit's not bad, but it doesn't feel like it's been earned.

Xavier

*sigh* I'm probably the only one here that feels bad for the professor. But, I also feel like it could've been handled better. Have Xavier actually stay in contact with them while away. Have him still be recovering but still too sick to go back home. Hell, have him be in a coma! Many things in this show could've been done to give Xavier more of a reason why he wasn't there during that year time-skip instead of the black hole excuse.

Now, things are tense between him and Scott because he picked Magneto to lead the team. Okay, Magneto was doing fine, he was just more strict is all. Plus, I thought we were done with the distrust of Magneto after episode two.

Even Rogue is mad at him, which I get why. And, Magneto won't listen to him, which again, I also get why. I just where all this conflict is gonna lead to in the finale.

Rogue and Sunspot

So, those two chose Magneto, and not gonna lie, I got upset with that. When she was talking about leading the mutants at Genosha, I thought she rejected the offer back in episode 5, so I didn't understand what she meant by that. I get that she doesn't want to see more mutants die, but they're dying anyway and more are gonna die. I get that she's pissed at what happened, and she still has that anger and grief over what happened to Gambit, but when all this is done, where is she gonna go? Back to the X-Men? That is if there's still a team left.

Roberto.....okay, I get why he sided with Magneto, and I'm trying to like this version of Sunspot. But, I'm sorry, but I couldn't. Not after hurting Jubilee like that. Her being there for him wasn't enough after everything that happened wasn't enough. Plus, he has no idea what he's getting himself into. He's new to all this, he has no idea what Magneto has done or what he's capable of. So I was okay with Jubilee fighting back.

Rogue's choice made Nightcrawler sad....I hate seeing that precious blue elf devil man being sad. Thank god, we didn't have those two fight, otherwise, I'd be more upset. But, it was sad seeing her fight Wolverine cause the two are friends.

Also, she was wearing Gambit's coat....why does this show keep hurting so much?

Gold Team vs. Bastion and Sinister

So, Bastion really did love his mother. At least they kept that part of his backstory in this. I don't think she's dead, cause the Prime Sentinels should be alive, just not working. But, what happened to his father? Did his dad die? I've been noticing a lack of dads in the show aside from Scott.

Hulk cameo.

The fight scenes were really good. Especially Sinister vs. Jean. She was so bad@$$ in that fight. Although, I thought Morph was gonna confront Sinister too due to what he did to Morph. But, this is the Summers' family moment.

When did Sinister get control over Cable?! Well, apparently he did, and now he's forced to fight his kinda sorta other mom? At least we got to see his mutant power again.

Is Jean gonna die? Again? Cause, she and Scott are back in good terms in their relationship.

Well, the plan kinda backfired, but there's still a chance to turn it around in the finale.

Blue Team vs. Magneto

Okay, I know that Xavier tried to talk to him, but words ain't gonna reach Magneto anymore. Although, I did laugh when Magneto told him to shut up.

Cyclops disobeying Xavier's orders. Is that the first time that ever happened? Cause damn.

Not gonna lie, I thought Wolverine succeeded in killing Magneto. But, he probably should've kept stabbing and slashing or go for a more vital area. Maybe then Wolverine wouldn't have gotten....that at the end.

Yeah, the end....how freaking dare you do this to Logan! His adamantine ripped out of his body! He still has his skeleton, but to do that to him?! Just....WHY?!?!?!

I know this happened in Fatal Attractions in the comics, but it doesn't mean I wanted it to happen to him in the show! I feel so bad for Logan.

Also, WHY DID YOU BRING THE GUY WITH METAL IN HIS BODY TO FIGHT A GUY WHO CAN MANIPULATE METAL?!?!?! Did it ever come across their minds that this would've been a bad idea? I know that the writers want this comic moment to happen, but come on! Logan should've been with the gold team!

I think that's all I got at the moment. I made a post of potential outcomes for the finale from the comics at the result of what happened to Logan. And, I'm dreading what might come to fruition. As for the stuff with Bastion and Sinister, they gotta turn things around for that one. But, I'm worried that the finale will lead to a dark end instead of a hopeful one. The finale will have to make it or break it for me, cause I love X-Men and all this conflict and stuff is just hurting so much. I still like the show, and it's way WAY better than the What If series in the MCU. But, we'll have to see what happens next week.

[cynthia39100]

Merlin rewatch -- S1E7: The Gates of Avalon

Merlin and Arthur

I liked their dynamic in this episode very much. It's the most friend-like they showed up until this point, I think. The poisoned chalice thing really brought them closer together. Unfortunately it's also the beginning of all the bullying Arthur would do later...

I loved that first chamber scene very much, when Arthur told Merlin the arrangement of Sophia's lodging. Merlin was so delighted to see Arthur crushing on a pretty girl, and so eager to be a wingman. And Arthur knew Merlin so well he could tell his thoughts from his face ( which wasn't actually hard tbf, Merlin couldn't be more obvious lol). I loved that Arthur wanted to appear chivalrous and selfless, but swiftly let Merlin talk him into putting Sophia closer to him. They were so young and carefree...

~~~~

The first time Arthur asked Merlin to lie for him... was actually not that bad. Arthur was a little bit manipulative, with the " you'll be a friend for life if you help me" line, but he did talk to him like a friend and he was asking, not ordering. Merlin was adorable and he just wanted to help his friend. (Also can you resist this face?)

If only Uther didn't mention the flogging and then put Merlin in the stock... in this show stock was played for laugh so it's kind of fine, but mentioning flogging wasn't great...

I could imagine though that both Merlin and Arthur thought it wouldn't be a big deal. Merlin was in idiot mode in this ep, and Arthur probably thought Merlin would come up with something more clever. (Arthur should know better but I believed he was a bit enchanted here.)

~~~~

The second time Arthur asked him to cover, while knowing Merlin had been punished for him, wasn't great, but he was more enchanted (supposedly) here so that's fine.

Then they had to put that last scene where Arthur outright blamed Merlin for his absence IN FRONT OF THE KING when he definitely wasn’t enchanted… ruined my Arthur-enchanted-timeline theory. And for what? Sabotaging the character of the Once and Future King just for a little laugh?

~~~~

I felt like Merlin and Arthur both were a bit OOC in this ep. Arthur who argued with his father that punishment should fit the crime and that a servant’s life was no less than a noble now casually let Merlin take the blame. And Merlin who stopped Arthur from bullying his servant didn’t seem bothered. In fact he was quite willing. (I guessed when he started liking a person his self-sacrificing tendency surpassed other concerns?)

It’s worse that they interacted much more like friends than previous eps. It’s not a lesson for Arthur or even a characterization. It's fine if Arthur was still ignorant about his behaviour even though he understood in theory that a peasant was worth as much as a noble. But no. They just thought putting Merlin in the stock was hilarious. The end result was that Arthur seemed to be emotionally manipulating innocent Merlin who just wanted a friend… It’s not the conclusion I want to have.

<- Prev Next -> [other episodes]

[randomnameless]

The thing is, in JRPG's churches were originally a good thing. They were the place to go to heal, revive or remove curses from your characters and at times the player character was chosen by some deity. Just look at the Dragon Quest games, which are to the Japanese the definition of fantasy much like LotR is in the West. While there was the SMT franchise, in Breath of Fire 2 on the SNES the Church being bad was meant to be a twist because it went against the perception of Churches in RPGs. Later on, Final Fantasy Tactics and especially Final Fantasy X made it a lot more common.

If you ever want to see a really cool take, Breath of Fire 4 really depicts humans as bastards and the gods/dragons are beings they called down to their world against their will. It ultimately ends with the player being given a choice whether humans are worth saving, either playing as the final boss and wiping out the party or rejecting that, stopping the final boss. The final boss wants to wipe out humanity because, while he was benevolent, the atrocities he's seen humanity commit (in order to kill him so the current emperor can maintain power of the empire the final boss founded) turned him against them. And even then, when defeated his belief mankind doesn't need gods anymore results in the gods, summoned against their will to serve humanity, return to their home while the MC becomes mortal (while another god remains, and this was a prequel to the previous games where she was a party member or at least an ally). But then again, one of the villains is still around and he says he can make as many "gods" as he needs for his plans, again highlighting how humans are the problem.

Oh I forgot to mention Golden Sun too in the list of games i've played that had that "old/classic" vibe to it and had mostly... churches/temples used as places where you're resurrected or purify curses without any "gods bad" - the closest thing to a God this verse has is actually a giant rock trying to prevent people from destroying themselves by sealing magic (sure, at the cost of the world and its people disappearing into nothingness, but the sequel basically proves him, sort of, right because when magic is unleashed the cast was manipulated into launching a WMD and that has several consequences like, a lot of people (even named characters!) dying, cute NPCs and to make it sting even more, you can interact/talk with the corpses of the people who died (basically their spirit hasn't left yet, and you have some NPC going all "I was living my regular life, then I heard a sound and now I'm like this, what happened?")).

I'm sure some people already thought about it more than me at 10pm lol, but basically, I wonder if those games emphasis on "humans can be shitty themselves" wasn't tied to a certain mindset that was prevalent in the 80-90-00s Japan, like humans do their shitty stuff, which summons/results in a "higher being" either punishing them or being a consequence for their shitty stuff, "higher being" must be convinced that humanity can change and thrive to do better, rinse and repeat.

I confess I've never been a fan of the FF franchise nor followed it at all but basically as @zeroabyss said, in the Tales franchise the various Churches/Gods (Spirits the Tales verse!) are more nuanced, you have corrupt/shitty people, nice people, etc etc.

Xillia had the novelty of the protag choosing to become God, because the current one shits on humans (because humans shit on spirits to survive!) when basically God should protect both humans and spirits and thanks to a McGuffin everything works out in the end ! Until Xillia 2 happens, but the second opus, while dealing with spirits and all, also gives more meat to the "how humans try to live together" angle and well, it's not all roses and sunshine - sure some spirits can be asses and not like humans that much, but even humans themselves, because they come from different countries, find ways to hate each other (there's even a subquest where you pwn a bunch of racists civilians/NPCs turned enemies for this special fight that are named "drunken man" "uptight girl" "crabby old lady" "self righteous man" etc etc lol)

[terraliensvent]

Not a vent’ asking a question. Out of genuine curiosity do you actually like Terraliens as a species? A majority of CS vent blogs seemingly want the species to die or fail as an end result.

Isn’t the whole point of vent blogs to give people a space to actively point out problems to make the community better as a whole. Reblog to make it die faster or run out of the community feels conflicting to what the blog is actually supposed to achieve. Do you want it to get better? It seems like you do. Or are you actually hoping it gets worse to increase engagement.

So general question would be do you hate Terraliens? What’s the end goal for you? 🤔

this is a loaded question for me at the moment haha

personally, ive been in terras since april 2023, so basically since the start. ive seen every controversy pretty much first hand, was an avid reader of the terra blogs previous to mine, and terras was the first species i put my whole heart in and tried to interact with the community in. initially i really wanted the species to get better, when they had the suggestion threads i was an avid poster

then over and over again mods just kept failing in the simplest of ways. this blog was made february of 2024, a few months after the first psa and ownership change. i still thought terras could be good but there were just too many blockers, esp from coy and civ after learning some behind the scenes info from the psa

then the Reckoning came and i hoped it really would go down, if only that meant making the species totally open

when tycho became owner i really was hopeful considering the facts that previous mods completely disavowed vent blogs like mine, but shortly before he became owner tycho reached out to ask my thoughts on stuff around the species (you can see that in my post about The Reckoning), when the species fell in his lap i honestly thought there was going to be big change. for a while there was, like new assets in the item channels, feedback forms, etc. but then there were also the nagging issues that never went away from before, like hiring friends for staff, weird unspoken rules, and a horrible approval process

for the past few days ive been thinking, man this really doesnt seem like its worth it. the same issues are starting to pop up again, and the mods currently just twist and turn making up their justifications for moving the goalpost. i dont like a lot of the new designs, dont really have any myos i want to make, and im not pulled in by the new events.

my end goal initially when making this blog was that i wanted terras to get better and make the easy changes everyone wanted, but now i think the better course of action would be for it to die. make it an open species and just let people run with it, because over the 2 and a half years of this species there has never once been such an attitude of unity and happiness among terra community than on that one night in april where the species WAS open.

honestly? im days away from voiding all my terras and fucking all the way off (ill still stay in the server though, i couldnt imagine anyone else running this blog and i think its become a necessary place for everyone. i imagine there would be at least some outcry if i were to shut it down, lol). once i finish my current obligations, im trading all my shit. its exhausting to have been doing this back and forth for improvement for over 2 years now, and its just so much more effort than its worth when i could be putting my whole heart into other up-and-coming projects. it hurts when a thing you really loved and found happiness in just has too many glaring issues to ignore

i think its a bad look when most of your oldest members who have been there since near day 1 decide this shit isnt worth it anymore and want to be done with it. its a bad look when someone who cared so much to make full essays about this species on an entire blog dedicated to it decides that its just not worth trying to "fix" anymore.

and i kind of hope a lot of other members come to that same conclusion and cause it to die.

[citruscitrushope]

👀

I have been having so many thoughts about my anni/lily au my guy-

Basically, there are two kingdoms, one (the Tenma kingdom) says music should be used to emphasize the world's good, the other (the Shiraishi kingdom) says it should heal and acknowledge the bad, and they don't really like each others. The kids in the first (1st anni + Saki, Airi, Toya, Emu, Mizuki) are all connected to the royal court in some way, while those in the second (2nd anni + Shiho, Haruka, An, Nene, Ena) are connected to the Clockwork Museum, a place that preserves the arts.

Eventually, the kids in each group begin to interact across lines, and they begin to realize that they aren't so different. They try to push for the kingdoms to make amends, with...less than pretty results...

Hundreds of years later in what may or may not be another dimension, the group leaders are reincarnated into the regular prsk world as minor dieties (3rd anni cards) meant to help the groups, but they and their respective 2nd anni kid in their group begin to have memories of their previous lives.

Additional Ruikasa under the cut because I've been thinking about these two in my au a lot-

Tsukasa is the crown prince of his kingdom, and is dead set on the idea that music should only be used to bring smiles, nothing else. His kingdom's beliefs leave him a bit stubborn, and make acknowledging when he himself feels negative things difficult. He is closest with Saki, his sister and more of a carefree royal, and Toya, the reluctant conductor for the royal symphony that's like a brother to him.

Rui is a lonely man that lives within the Clockwork Museum, a former actor who works to archive plays, alongside toys and robots, which he himself makes at times. He used to do shows alongside Nene, a songstress with a magical voice, but they drifted apart over time.

Tsukasa eventually stumbles across the Museum for plot reasons I've yet to figure out, and he is appalled by it at first. How could songs about sad things be helpful? Rui is a bit turned off by Tsukasa's stubborn nature and closed-mindedness at first as well, but as they end up spending more time together they start to like and respect each other more. Tsukasa helps Rui see his own worth and reach out to others more, and Rui helps Tsukasa be more in touch with his emotions and improve himself as a ruler and musician.

Eventually, they and the others try working to bring the two kingdoms together as they realize their similarities, but this leads to basically a bounty against these twenty newly-wanted criminals, even when a lot of them were royalty, celebrities, artisans, everything. The two of them end up in the courtyard of Tsukasa's castle, smoke hanging in the air, aware that they will be executed soon, and they decide to spend their last moments ballroom dancing to a music box Rui had made for them before things got so difficult, tears falling down their faces, not only from fear, but from content that they were able to die together.

-

Tsukasa Tenma is a god of happiness, blessed with powers perfect for shows such as telekinesis and element manipulation. He initially starts out simply helping a pair of sibling pianists smile, before finding a girl trying to start a theater troupe to save a struggling stage.

As she and Tsukasa work to find members, he comes across inventor and performer Rui, the two instantly finding themselves drawn to each other, not only because of their abilities, but because of the fuzzy memories that appear in their minds after they meet.

An off-key music box, a slow dance at the end of the world...

[cinnatwolover]

I know venting about my problems here probably isn't the best idea-

So ignore this if you want, not really here to have fights or accuse/point at people for stuff, more so just sharing about my worries/fears

(kinda ironic considering how my main blog is called “Anxiety-Cat-Creator”)

Basically, I've been getting pretty worried about getting inspired by people, whether that be a lot or a little, I'm tryna make my Pokemon Mew series as original as possible, but I've seen people who have already done some ideas before me, possibly one is already following a similar plot that I was thinking

Example: I thought that a mew finding a Mewtwo and raising it as its own at a young age (before it could be used by humans) was a pretty original idea, but someone had already thought of that before me

Or how Binos previous design was very close to another mews design that I didn't mean to replicate off of, but still happened anyway (tho I did change it up at the end anyway and I'm very happy with the results, makes her stand out more!)

Tho, with me getting notified about blogs talking about some pretty bad drama in the commewnity, and even finding the Og blog (by accident) that kinda of started the whole thing, it made me a bit scared of my story not being original enough or that I should think things threw more before deciding to post anything publicly

I mean, an interactive story where the viewers get to determine the character's fates indirectly by making them pick and chose, whom of which is about a dissabled mew tryna live a good life with their not so loving family is original enough…i think..

But again, has someone already though of doing that before me? Have they started doing the story halfway already? Is there even a point for me to make my own series if someone might think that I'm ripping them off because there are too many coincidences? Should I even try doing one of my own if someone probably has a better story than me with the same concept?

I mean…i want to make my own mew series, and I've already thought threw the plot quite a lot ( perfectionism problem of mine), but yknow, if its too similar to an already existing story that I'm not aware of, and someone points it out publicly

Then I guess it's over for me. Or I shouldn't have tried to do my own spin on the matter in the first place

Anyway, I'm not really sure on what to think, I just thought this was a fun little community where everyone gets to share their art and stories with each other and were all respectful about it

Just wanna bury myself in a hole for eternity man

[husky-studies]

Helloooo!

I read your Clara & Brother figure reader headcannons (not who requested them, as I'm sure you can surmise), and I found them absolutely adorable!

I was wondering if I could maybe request a sort of... sequel, of sorts to that?

like, a mix, part-headcannon part-drabble one-shot type thing set during Clara's quest line in the game. Like, what could possible be different with Big Bro's presence, what interactions between them and the Astral Express crew could be like. That sorta thing.

It's 100% if you don't want to do this though! I get that I might be asking a bit much lol

Meeting the Crew

Concept: the reader meets the astral express crew (March, Dan Heng, and Trailblazer)

Character(s): astral express crew, clara, mentions of svarog; pascal, as the previous request its still male reader

Warning(s): none but the reader's relationship with everyone is strictly platonic

Note(s): HELLO ANON, GLAD YOU LIKE IT. Im not sure which part of the quest you were talking about but i wrote the one where they were in the Great Mine. I HOPE YOU ENJOY

-You were just accompanying Clara and Svarog in the mines along witb a few other Automatons

-They were talking about something, you weren't really paying attention to them

-All you really knew was that Clara wanted Svarog to help the conflict between the vagrants and miners

-It was then you feel another presence with you, you looked back and saw some people

-Seele was one of them, and then there were other people with her. One seemed like someone from The Overworld. The other three looks like they weren't even from anywhere on Belobog

"Svarog! We haven't settled our final score." Seele said as her and the group are approaching us. I stood beside Clara, silently watching them. "Seele, subordinate to Wildfire... Your resistance is futile. The result of my calculation is unequivocal. Remaining in the Underworld is the optimal strategy for survival." Svarog said, bringing out his calculations yet again. Seele sighed. "This again... Calculation results, survival strategies... I haven't got time for your thesis. Withdraw your forces, or i'll lose my temper." Seele warned. Svarog didn't take it to granted, instead opted to tell Clara about how unavoidable division and conflict is. "But Mr. Svarog..." Before Clara could continue, I finished her sentences for her. "Didn't you say you wanted to protect the people in the Underworld? Well with the conflict currently brewing in here, it could go for the worse and the Underworld would be in a much more haywire situation than now, Mr Svarog." Clara nodded at that as well, I'm not sure if she understands but at least she's trying. "Big brother is here as well huh..." Seele muttered while looking at you. "Big brother? He's Clara's big brother?" March asked.

-A few more exchanged of words, of course the group and Svarog engage into a fight

-Svarog doesn't allow you to engage into it, but rather to stay by Clara's side

-After the whole fighting subdued, some of the crew asked Seele more about you and Seele, albeit a bit aggressive as usual, told them

-March and the Trailblazer felt bad about your missing limb. Although Trailblazer thought it makes you look cooler

-Dan Heng finds you tough for going this far with a missing limb. He also finds your cybernetic arm cool 👍

Tag(s): none

[ranticore]

hello... 5-15 of those asks if you'd like for John (any iteration!) and Nico... hehe

yay 🧡

5. Is there any significance behind their hair color? 

not really lol. john's hair is brown because it's the most common hair colour, nico [pascal's object of obsession from 2017 inver] has black hair because i wanted to further visually distinguish him from bowman. both have visible grey streaks because it's an easy way to help define the shape of the hair when drawing it

6. Is there any significance behind their eye color? 

yes but only in that they (and all my characters) have brown eyes because i got tired of ppl seemingly on purpose avoiding brown eyes for their interesting characters. so i only make brown-eyed characters on purpose. the only exception is cuinn (harpy) because he has albinism but typical members of his species have dark brown eyes.

7. Is there any significance behind their height? 

yes, john is my height on purpose (5'4") and nico is 5'3" because i'd unintentionally made my previous trans man characters pretty tall so i thought well let's make one who is short hashtag representation

8. What (if anything) do you relate to within their character/story? 

i relate to john because i'm also a beautiful brunette who sucks so much. nico is unrelatable to me because he's a cop (he's not really but the plot does follow a buddy cop format)

9. Are they based off of you, in some way? 

john from long long ago (2011, my first major setting) was a direct self insert thus the similarities in appearance. he has some parts of me in him because he's my main dnd character and it's hard not to project when doing 5 hour improv sessions once a week but he has never been less like me tbh. nico ehhh not really, we don't align personality-wise because i would not tolerate pascal for more than 5 seconds without wanting to hit him with my car

10. If they have an LI, how much of their character is tailored to be compatible to that person? 

for john yeah 100%, they were made for each other. the angle i'm going with for their arc is a "perfectly synchronous" relationship being no protection for some bad shit going down between them, showing that if two people are SOO perfectly made for one another, it can often lead to one person taking the other for granted, assuming they can predict how the other person will react in any given situation, and ultimately it all results in a messy breakdown of communication.

for nico i meannnnnnnn he is a horse trainer and pascal is a horse so there is that, but in terms of personality they are intentionally very opposed and clash frequently, get on each other's nerves, fight, and not always smooth over those incidences. they are not very compatible.

11. Did you know what the OC’s sexuality would be at the time of their creation? 

yep

12. What have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your OC (any form of art: writing, drawing, edits, etc.)? 

I'm going to be real with u I could draw and write John in my sleep. Nico i find difficult to write, I have a hard time finding his voice. The ranger uniform also annoys me.

13. How far past the canon events that take place in their world have you extended their story, if at all? 

john as a dnd character has no future whatsoever aside from a planned multiclass, he could fall off a cliff next session and die idk. Nico is one of the few characters i haven't thought much about post-canon, i don't feel like it's relevant.

14. If you had to narrow it down to 2 things that you MUST keep in mind while working with your OC, what would those things be? 

john: 1. literally just say the first thing that comes to mind, always. 2. keep em guessing

nico: 1. hes scared of boats and this is surprisingly relevant, i keep forgetting it lol. 2. i try to keep in mind my studies of horse trainers & their work, how they interact with their animals and what subtle body language they might use; these are people who frequently have to convince giant frightened animals that they are in charge here, this translates into how they hold themselves, how they speak, how they approach conflict etc.

15. What is something about your OC can make you laugh? 

john's secret fear which we have discussed in dms (iykyk)

nico let himself get tricked into going on a theme park date with pascal while on duty and didn't even realise until afterwards that it was an elaborate setup of fabricated evidence all so that pascal could get him in the tunnel of love

[vesemirsexual]

read the entire series recently and saw your recent ask about yennefer and being abusive. question: why do people only think yennefer is bad/bitch/mean/abusive? bc reading the entire series i found that while i still liked geralt, i also didnt really think of him as a poor meow meow in the way fandom had made him seem and there were points i really didnt like him?

Putting the ask here for reference.

I have some thoughts on this that I think will be unpopular and not go down well. I'll throw them below the cut to be respectful. I think this is probably going to come across much harsher than I intend, which I just want to state: not the goal! Just more of some thoughts I have on this topic, fandom cultural, and general social-cultural trends.

Obviously, there's the argument of male vs females character, which I really do think holds merit here. There's not a lot I can say on the topic, because I think that horse has been beaten to death. I think it's safe to say that Yennefer does have traits that are better received in male characters, and rub people the wrong way otherwise.

Another minor point I want to make quickly that I mentioned in the other ask reply: a lot of the heavy criticism of Yennefer comes from her behaviour early in the story. Realistically, the characters all develop throughout the story, and are not the same people they are in the beginning that they are by the end. It's whether you look at a character as who they are at a specific place in their storyline vs across the whole development. Both Yen and Geralt develop from people who cannot sustain a relationship, cannot be together, and are forced by their experiences to grow and learn.

Now comes the part I think is going to be unpopular. I talked in the previous ask reply about both Geralt and Yennefer having terrible childhoods that left them with a myriad of trauma and baggage. The way they interact with the world as a result of this trauma is very different though - Yennefer faces her problems head on, much of the time with arrogance, steps into a role as an aggressor before she can be the victim. Geralt on the other hand, repeatedly repositions himself as a victim, often coming back to feeling negative about himself/sorry for himself, bitter and sardonic.

From this, I think two things happen:

• People identify with Geralt more. Yennefer falls into the "bad survivor trope", who's behaviour as a result of trauma minimises sympathy you might feel for her, and makes people flinching away from empathising with her further. Geralt is much easier to project, to see yourself in - it's much easier see your behaviour as someone you can imagine as a victim, than someone who is behaving as an aggressor.

• It also means it's easier to excuse when Geralt behaves badly, or in a way that isn't conducive or healthy. It's much more sympathetic and relatable in a way that isn't uncomfortable to identify with. Realistically, no one wants to identify with negative behaviour that could be cast as abusive or aggressive, let alone admit it to other people (i.e, fandom). It's much easier to identify with how Geralt responds to situations instead. I think this kind of identification also makes it a lot easier for in-group bias to form; it's an easy step to call Yennefer a bitch for her response to a situation than to critically analyse how Geralt is responding as well.

What both Yennefer and Geralt share is that they're both incredibly stubborn and difficult people. Neither of them thinks they're capable of love, and suddenly they're neck deep in it (and the wish really has nothing to do with it). Yennefer is absolutely a nightmare at times; at the same time, she's facing someone who is actively trying to convince themselves they don't have feelings or humanity, which is not pleasant or easy to face either.

Yennefer gets raked over the coals for all her flaws. Geralt is many good things, but he's also a cynic, irritable and takes the people around him for granted frequently. He's easily offended, sulks and is prone to self-pity. He can also be incredibly ignorant of other people's perspective and how they feel. He bases his morality and consequent actions on his own views and experiences. In his conversation with Nenneke, it's made pretty clear that he's as culpable for things going wrong for them as she is. After living together for a year doesn't work, he literally ditches her in Vengerberg with a note and flowers because he doesn't want to face her. Yennefer breaks up with him and Istredd after making it clear she would choose him because he won't admit he loves her, and instead retreats into his victim stance.

This is not to say that I excuse all of Yennefer's actions. She actively fucks up in many places, and seriously crosses the line (e.g. throwing jars at him). But I also don't think it's realistic to say that she is the only toxic one, or that their pre-Ciri relationship is the same beast as the post-Ciri relationship.

In many ways, Geralt and Yen are the same character. They're abused, abandoned and set on a life path they don't choose for themselves. They don't know how to love, and they don't think they deserve to be loved. They're a mirror of each other, which is how they end up in the shitty pre-Ciri cycle: infatuation, passion, sex, fight, break up, spend time apart, think about each other, miss one another, seek the other out. Ciri is the catalyst for them to leave this cycle, get their shit together and grow forward from it.

Honestly, I blame CDPR for a lot of Yennefer hate, because most of their portrayal of her sucked, and the rumor that the writers didn't like her is incredibly suspicious considering. I think a lot of the other overly harsh criticism about Yennefer comes from how we identify with characters and their struggles, and how we view the real life complexities of abuse survivors, trauma and relationships.

[bravecrab]

I think it's important to look at the Girlfriend Reviews incident of the Hogwarts Legacy response, because even if it's just a case of lack of awareness of some Youtubers, the way that they're being used is insidious.

So from what I've seen is that they tried to stream Hogwarts Legacy, a section of their fanbase expressed their disappointment mainly via messages they were unfollowing/unsubscribing, Shelby got upset and tearfully took a break, but they still streamed for 6 hours after. Since then the story has been used to label those opposed to Hogwarts Legacy as abusive towards Girlfriend Reviews and other streamers.

If there is any screenshots of the abusive language in their chat, please let me know, as further evidence is always appreciated.

I do think that Girlfriend Reviews were mostly naive, thinking that donating to the Trevor Project would be a reasonable counterbalance for their discretion, however that action is also telling that they knew that playing the game would result in some backlash. They're no strangers to backlash, as they did receive previous harrassment when they played The Last Of Us Part 2. They should be aware by now, how politics and video games interact.

I think when they got harrassed for TLOU2, there was more of a dismissive attitude of "people getting too upset over a game", rather than a culture of misogyny in video games and that culture lashing out due to a sense of entitlement. And perhaps Girlfriend Reviews thought that HL was more of the same, but it's not and to act like it is, is just being ignorant of systems of power.

But this isn't just about these youtubers. Shelby's tears are being manipulated by bad actors as White Women's Tears. If you're unaware of the term, WWTs is a common framing tactic that has been used, mostly for anti-black purposes, for a long time. It's used to justify continued oppression against marginalized groups by saying "Look how they've hurt the feelings of this symbol of innocence". White women have often been used as a tool within white supremacist, patriarchal societies, as something to be protected from the influence and existence of The Other. White Women's Tears are most notable in the case of Emmett Till.

I'm not saying that Shelby was aware of this when she cried, or that she faked crying. What I am saying is that the sort of folk who harrassed Girlfriend Reviews for playing TLOU2, are the sort of people who are now using the image of her crying to punch down on Trans people, Jewish people, and others who expressed their disappointment at Girlfriend Reviews for playing HL. I'd hope that Girlfriend Reviews would be able to see this, and make amends, rather than trying to retreat to an apolitical position, while allowing the continued use of this "harrassment" to inflict more harm on Trans and Jewish people. And that's the better of two evils, hopefully this doesn't make them follow in the footsteps of the likes of Jontron, becoming an alt-right talking head (although this seems unlikely).

The cognitive dissonance of trying to enjoy something you thought was just innocent fun, to find out it has wider political ramifications, is hard. It's painful, you don't want to feel bad for what you consider an accidental lapse of better judgement. However, the actions you take to deal with that cognitive dissonance is important. You can either face up to your mistake, bury your head in the sand, or stand by your action and in opposition of those you have wronged.

[evansbby]

Hey everyone 💜 This is just something personal I thought I’d share. For no reason, really, except I felt like I wanted to and that I should. I’ve never shared this with anyone before and there’s really no purpose to this except I just wanted to write it all down. Please don’t reblog! (Not that anyone would lmao, but just saying). tw: suicide mention

A few years ago, when I was about 17/18, I was quite active on tumblr in a different fandom (not this blog, this is a sideblog that used to be empty and was one of my saved urls before I started posting on here in Feb of last year. Anyways, there was this one person whom I befriended on tumblr and we used to talk on messages like every day. And it got so unhealthy, to the point where I’d feel bad if I was online and didn’t reply to them, and felt like I always had to reply to them or else they’d get passive aggressive? I remember once I told them something along the lines of “hey! maybe it’d be okay if we… didn’t talk every day? like we’d still be friends, friends don’t have to talk every single day” and oh my gosh, they got so passive aggressive about it and made me feel so so guilty that I took it all back. I remember crying actual real tears over this, which is so crazy thinking back. Now, this person wasn’t a bad person and I wish them all the best in whatever they’re doing now and honestly don’t really have any ill feeling towards them. What I’m saying is that I was not emotional equipped or mature enough to be dealing with something like that. And then I remember another person (completely unrelated to this first person) randomly messaged me one day all like “you never speak to me, I thought we were friends!” And wrote all these paragraphs talking about how I don’t speak to them when we were never really close to begin with? And yet I let myself feel bad once more. I just did not have the emotional maturity to be creating boundaries online and all of this was a result of that. So I took a break from tumblr and I remember crying real tears and having a panic attack in the toilet and hoping these people would forgive me for taking a break. A BREAK FROM A DAMN WEBSITE. and then I came back a while later and I had my boundaries set very VERY high.

Which is still true now. Like, I never expected this blog to blow up as much as it has or the sheer volume of asks and messages I get every single day. (Not showing off but idk how else to put it). And I love it, like I love this type of interaction and I feel like this fandom is so much friendlier and healthier than any previous fandoms I’ve been in. Yet a lot of the time I still feel like an outsider, like I have this imposter syndrome. Like all these other blogs are all friends and I’m just there like 🧍🏻lmao. But I feel like that’s bc I’m still so wary bc of what I’ve been through on this website in the past. Like I’ve put up these high walls and I get anxious that a repeat of something like what happened before, will happen again. I feel like I’ve matured from that experience enough to set my boundaries so that I don’t EVER find myself in a position that I’m crying over someone being passive aggressive to me online (although I doubt that would ever happen again, I was like 18 when that happened and I was emotionally a child). And I feel like this is partly why I get overwhelmed so easily when my messages pile up that I just leave them ignored — bc i know this sounds deep and weird but I said to myself that the moment this stops being fun, I need to delete this app bc it’s not worth my mental health.

And it was only much later, when tiktok became a thing and people started sharing their experiences about how they were 12/13/14 and on tumblr trying to persuade a fully grown adult not to unalive themselves, that I realised that so many people have had similar toxic experiences on tumblr. Having grown people trauma dump on you through dm and you feel so guilty and don’t know how to cut them off and you think it’s a true friendship when really it’s not.

Idk why I’m sharing this except for the fact that I just had to write it down. And it still makes me anxious now, as much as I try to deny it. Then I have to remind myself that I’m a grown ass 23 year old now who will never have to go through experiences like that again, bc I am in charge of who I talk to. And this is why I kind of just… am so nervous about talking to people sometimes. Although tbh as I said before, this fandom has been so good to me. Like everyone is so nice and understanding of boundaries and I really love that. I’m happy to be a part of this community and I want to be everyone’s friend but I’m just so in my own head about it. Idk if I’m even making sense anymore, I just feel that a lot of the time I have to second-guess every interaction I make bc I don’t want people to hate me or take my humour the wrong way or find me annoying. Like, that’s my other biggest fear. Or rather, my default feeling: that people on here find my annoying lmao. And I’m not looking for sympathy, and I’ve said this before and y’all amazing people have reassured me that I’m not. But I’m just writing my feels down rn bc it’s kinda therapeutic idk. And idk how to end this so I guess I’ll just end it here lmao. Anyways

[arnamantle]

We’re back baybee

after a couple months of downtime, BURNAWAY is back online. Getting back into the process of writing about it has been daunting. We didn't make the previous campaign's funding goal, but for most of the team, that was our very first shot at something like this. We know now where we were off the mark, and how we're gonna make this time different.

Writing about game content feels weird. I think because, ideally, everything I write here or on arnamantle's other socials is all supposed to be Content™. Marketing. Sharable and algorithm-friendly. And I'm not even opposed to that, ostensibly. If you want people to play your game, if you want people to pay you for it, they gotta know it exists first. I think this feels weird not because I know its purpose as a marketing tool, but more due to how seamlessly good other designers and writers are at it. Some people just naturally love talking about their games, their progress in their creation. Some people love using social media to talk about it. So naturally, those voices float to the top of the dogpile, people take notice and follow, and that turns into a beneficial cycle that grows their audience. You could call that proclivity for talking about oneself and one's creations a talent, or a natural advantage; I don't think there's much difference at some point. I am very much not one of those people.

In these past couple months of reflection and ponderance on this project, I've managed to figure out something pretty essential to me; the games and content I'm making are less comparable to others than I was expecting, or fearing they would be. In a tightly knit field like indie ttrpgs, comparing your stuff to other peoples' is such a natural thing to do, you won't realize you're doing it at first. And you'll start seeing people who are doing the thing you want to do better than you're doing it, or doing the thing you thought only you had come up with. In the past 10-15 years there's been an explosion of ttrpg content, on a scale unlike anything before. It's daunting, even to someone who's been around awhile, like me. There's more attention on the space, higher production values, more money being thrown around. It's very easy to get intimidated. I certainly have been at times, seeing some people seemingly come from nowhere and establish incredible success within a couple years.

The obvious moral is, comparison bad, boo. But as any other owner of a human brain knows, it's not that simple. The thing that finally seems to be untangling that mental knot for me, as I mentioned earlier, is the realization that other people's games have less overlap with mine than I thought. It's just... harder to articulate the differences, because a lot of them are pretty deep below the aesthetic surface. They have to do with how people interact with the game system, and each other.

I want to make sure that the end result of BURNAWAY is something that holds true to my game design approach. It won't be perfect or even particularly pretty, but it will be a step forward. Anyway, I'll start being more specific about what that approach is in future posts. This is the big, long, "I'm back in action" post. Most other posts aren't gonna be anywhere near this long. But they will, with any possible luck and divine grace, be somewhat consistent.

Thanks to anyone who's supported BURNAWAY thus far, and welcome to anyone who's new.