#can you tell i wrote this at 3 AM instead of my research proposal

[angel-wings-and-tattoos]

i can't stop thinking about the potential of s5 stonathan. it's a disease. this is directly inspired by the .5 second frame that steve and jonathan share in s4 bc i am actively psychotic and audibly gasped when it happened even though they literally didn't even look at each other.

when jonathan sees them for the first time, he assumes that steve and robin are a couple.

those two are practically the same person. they work on the same level and it's obvious to everyone around them that they're just meant to be together. steve and robin both know its in a platonic way, but it's hard for everyone else to look past the fact that they're a boy and a girl; how could the two of them be that close and not be dating?

robin has no idea about steve and jonathan's complicated history (surprising, i know. but steve's memory isn't what it used to be and truthfully he just assumed that he's already told her everything about his entire life, which is approximately 87% true. but jonathan happened to fall into that pesky 13%) but clocks the weird energy between the two of them immediately.

i'm just imagining jonathan lowkey cornering steve in order to talk to him. not that steve was avoiding him or anything. he just was not not avoiding him. so it takes a little while but jonathan finally gets steve to himself for more than 5 seconds and just overall asks how he's doing.

after a little small talk he asks about him and robin, very, very extremely (can't emphasize how bad it is) awkwardly. this is a man who is shitty with small talk at the very best of times talking to someone who he beat up and then kind of stole his girlfriend (jonathan stands by the fact he deserved the beating up part and would also like to point out that nancy is her own person who can't be stolen from anyone) so there's really no script to be going by here.

neither of them really know what the goal of the conversation is. jonathan just had a vague urge to talk to steve and steve didn't want to talk in the first place so, again, cannot emphasize the awkwardness of the situation. steve eventually realizes that jonathan thinks him and robin are a thing and, in a very mean girl way that only steve can pull off without sounding like an absolute asshole, bodily rolls his eyes and huffs at him that no, byers, we're just friends. capital P-Platonic.

jonathan is suddenly hit with an overwhelming reminder of steve back in high school. surprisingly, it's not in an entirely bad way, it's weirdly nice. he hasn't genuinely talked to steve in so long and it's at that exact moment that he realizes that he missed him. which is bizarre, in jonathan's opinion, because he's pretty sure you have to have more than two positive interactions with a person in order to miss them. (jonathan is also resolutely ignoring the bizarre relief he felt when steve said he wasn't dating robin).

another thing is that jonathan has the weird urge to hug steve. when the california crew got back to hawkins, jonathan had mainly been focused on nancy, which he thinks is perfectly understandable. by the time that talk was over (they had somehow managed to end the conversation while still ignoring one or two majorly important issues that their relationship might not survive talking about) steve was a dozen or so feet away, one arm still around el in a hug that never quite ended and talking to her, dustin, mike and will. jonathan had sort of vaguely waved at him and steve's returning smile and wave were genuine, but less than enthusiastic.

by the time he managed to get steve alone, it was past the time jonathan deemed as hug-appropriate. he settled for somewhat stiffly laying a hand on steve's forearm when he noticed the distinct bite marks peaking past his shirt sleeve. jonathan took it as a win when steve minorly tensed, but, more importantly, didn't brush his hand off. he assured jonathan that he was fine and that they look worse than they actually are, i'm fine, i promise.

they continue to talk for a little while, steve quickly asking about will and el (give him some credit at least, he hadn't seen jonathan in months but he still knew the man pretty well) and letting him ramble about them for a while. (neither of them acknowledge or do anything about the fact that jonathan is still holding his arm, all he would have to do for them to be holding hands would be shift his own hand 3 inches down)

the scene that robin eventually walks in on is steve and jonathan standing less than a foot apart, jonathan's hand still loosely resting on steve's arm, and them talking quietly enough that, even in the small living room, she can't make out what they're saying.

the thing is, robin has seen steve in just about every scenario there could possibly be with other people. she's seen him fake smile at customers, bitch at the kids, sweet talk the kid's parents, charm his way through dates, try to be less charming with her parents, play nice with his ex-girlfriend, play even nicer with his ex-girlfriend's parents, try and fail to not be flustered with eddie flirting with him, hell, even try to get along with her bandmates that one time. so, needless to say, there was hardly anything that steve could do to surprise her anymore.

that all flies out the window with jonathan byers, evidently. it would be more understandable if she had heard anything about jonathan from steve. she only knows what she heard and witnessed when she was in high school with the two of them, but in all of her thousands of conversations with steve, jonathan only made an appearance once or twice, and never for very long. at the time, she didn't think it was intentional, but now she's starting to reconsider.

robin clears her throat pointedly, startling the two men. they look up at her, but don't move away from each other. steve turns to look at her which coincidentally (or not, robin thinks its the exact opposite, actually) shifting him slightly closer to jonathan. robin tilts her head in the direction of the door, trusting that steve can easily follow her train of thought. they had to leave soon in order to make it back to the school to help with the make-shift relief center.

steve nods at her, his gaze sliding back to jonathan. he says something that robin still can't hear before going to clap jonathan on the shoulder. jonathan apparently decides that this isn't enough and goes straight in for a hug instead, looping his arms around steve's neck. steve is visibly surprised by the show of affection, but he immediately tucks both of his arms around jonathan's waist. robin's eyebrows go up slightly as steve practically tucks his face into jonathan's neck. (turns out, steve missed jonathan more than he anticipated. also, it's been a long time since someone hugged steve without almost dying immediately before or after so, sue him for enjoying it a little)

the hug doesn't last for very long but robin has seen enough to qualify steve for a very long talk the second that the pair leave the house.

the two men somewhat reluctantly let go of each other, jonathan letting his hands quickly trace over steve's shoulders to loosely grasp his elbows as they separate. steve gently drums his fingers against jonathan's side once, saying goodbye before turning to follow robin.

jonathan watches as the two leave the house, feeling better about the whole situation but still somewhat off-center. obviously steve didn't hate him, seemed to actively like him despite their convoluted history, but jonathan wasn't sure why that mattered to him so much. he barely even likes steve in the first place (that's a bald-faced lie, your honor) so why did he feel relieved when steve hugged him back? jonathan's subconsciousness files that right along the relief from earlier to be examined at a far later date (read: hopefully never).

-

basically i just want jonathan and steve to have a moment together, robin to clock the weird tension, and then for them to all get along forever. without dying tragically. that is probably far too much to ask but i'm nothing if not a clown who will watch and likely thoroughly enjoy s5 regardless of the chance that nancy and jonathan will probably end up staying together.

[magnus-sm-writes]

Magnus' March Wrap-Up

Yeehaw my gremlins! It’s once again time for a monthly wrap-up. Since March is my favorite month (because of my birthday), I have been in a rather peppy mood, remaining optimistic. 

I did a week of posts about my writing journey for my golden birthday celebration. This month was full of retrospection and nostalgia because of that. Dreamland by Glass Animals is one of my favorite albums of all time, so you can definitely tell that nostalgia is one of my primary emotions. Fantastic album! Very emotional! Makes me nostalgic for someone else’s childhood. Big success.

What Is My Word Count? 

My word count is currently 22909! That means I wrote around 739 words a day. 

Overall, I am a bit upset with how low my word count is. Compared to the fact I’ve written nearly every day, I feel that it should be higher, but I am not including the research proposal I’ve written for work (2,000) and other project-related writing. This is in an effort to keep my work and personal lives somewhat separate. 

I don’t count what I’ve written for work when I’m calculating my overall word count, but I am counting it towards days written, because I’m tracking two different things. With word count, I’m trying to keep track of my personal projects. When it comes to writing overall, I’m tracking the days I don’t write and trying to find out why. 

When it comes to my March word count, I really shouldn’t be so bummed. I’ve written a lot of poetry this month. Most of it is by hand. I don’t count handwritten things until I type them. Then I double the count, because I re-typed it. I feel this does a lot for my accuracy, as when it comes to handwriting, I can squish together my words. (I write in cursive—it can be hard to count when I get really excited about what I’m writing! The more energetic I am, the more likely my words are to mash together.)

What Have I Written?

I’m actually going to start with poetry this month! I wrote 12 poems this month, which is actually the same amount I wrote in February. My goal was to write 3. I’m satisfied with quadrupling that amount.

When it comes to my poems, they’re about 50 to 200 words long. The recorded word count of my March poetry is 754. Not bad!

I wrote a lot about being trans this month. When it comes around my birthday, I can get pretty reflective. (See my Writing Journey posts.) I also wrote about hauntings, ghosts, and dead princesses. And kittens! My pretty typical haunts, if I’m being honest.

Looking at my novel work, I wrote about the same sort of topics. 

At the beginning of the month, I spent some time writing for Tsarevna of the Horned Crown. I was getting a little burnt out on Hamish, so I took a break from gothic horror to write fantasy. As you do.

Most of my Tsarevna work took place in the middle of the series, so I can’t say much about it. All I can really say is: I love Katya and Bronomir so much. They’re such a power couple.

After that, I spent a few days writing for Cybergrunge. My husband was reading a lot of cyberpunk work at the time, and we talked a lot about what he loved about the genre. I also was interested in submitting to Orange Peel literary magazine’s science fiction theme. I didn’t end up finishing the short story and sent in some hivemind poetry instead.

I wrote a tiny bit of my rewrite of Measure for Measure by William Shakespeare. The scenes I wrote for A Measure are a dangerous balance of comedy and seriousness, much like the play itself. What I love most about A Measure is that the main characters are painfully aware of how serious their situations are, and the side characters have no clue and are just out here living their hilariously zany lives. Honestly, most of Shakespeare’s comedy comes from the side characters’ wonderful antics, and the main characters are having active panic attacks about their lives being ruined.

It’s very clear that I took inspiration on how to write characters from Shakespeare.

The second half of the month has been mostly poetry and my top-secret work project. (I am not kidding, we are keeping a somewhat tight lid on this project.)

Most of these poems are somewhat dark or darkly funny. “Rot”, “I will never have a baby”, and “Body as a Living Room” are all about my dysfunctional genetics/body issues. “Lost Princesses” and “Naïve Queen” are about Princess Anastasia and Marie Antoinette, respectively, and I got pretty damn sad writing both of them. “Spooky Boy” is about a cat. That’s it. His name is Spooky and I love him. 

I’m closing out the month with Greenest. Currently I’m sort of rewriting my fertility festival piece from last year to canonize it. But I’m writing it from Valor’s point of view this time to make it Sad. Valor is very Sad in the early Greenest books. If you know, you know. 

Sometimes I get excited about writing various holidays and whatnot for Uuve. Mostly because I’ve never worldbuilt before Uuve and it is so much fun to look at real cultural holidays and just combine them. I love celebrating stuff! Now I get to write all about people celebrating stuff, and it’s like a miniature celebration for me. 

Submissions

I actually have done a couple submissions this month! Only one submission was hivemind poetry. The rest were about atomic bombs and nuclear waste, because my father and I got into an argument about them and I used my rage to spend $10 submitting them. 

I wrote the poems last year, when I was obsessed with the Chernobyl tragedy (still am, thinking about getting a tattoo about it) and crying about it every day. Which was very stressful for my husband. When it comes to my special interests, I am incredibly emotional. 

(Fun fact! I didn’t watch Oppenheimer because I knew I would bawl about the damage atomic bombs have done, both in war and in testing.)

The radioactive poems went entirely to magazines with environmental themes coming up. Fingers crossed that I get some good news soon, because I am tired of my publishing drought. And I want to spite my father. (Aries man versus Aries man.)

What Have I Read?

In this aspect, I am quite proud of myself. I have spent quite a bit of time on Libby this March! Most of what I’ve read has been audiobooks, save for “Survivor’s Ball” by Kelly Link, which I read virtually on Libby.

I re-listened to the abridged version of World War Z by Max Brooks for some zombie content, and… yikes, the book's representation of Israel is really Zionist. It’s more than a “yikes” on that front, honestly. I totally forgot about that part of the book until I got to it, and then I was super uncomfortable with that representation.

Narcas by Deborah Bonello was the beginning of my nonfiction kick. It’s about female kingpins (queenpins, if you will) of Latin American cartels, and how they rarely get the coverage that their male counterparts receive. It was a fascinating analysis (and, for me, an introduction to) las narcas of cartels, from Griselda Blanco, known as the “Queen of Cocaine” and “La Madrina” (who recently got a Netflix miniseries, Griselda, which I am fiending to watch this weekend) to Marixa Lemus Pérez (“La Patrona” or “The El Chapo of Guatemala”). It was fascinating. 

Next was Confident Women by Tori Telfer. I read a review that said the book was sold as a “girl power” narrative, which was interesting to me, as I felt that it was only a representation of an underrepresented group: that of female criminals. Why would it be a girl power narrative when the point is only to highlight people who have done something terrible to other people? I don’t know.

That was my little piece on a review that annoyed me. When it comes to the book itself, I enjoyed it. I love learning about con people and what they have done throughout the centuries. There are so many wild, wacky things that these historical women did to trick people out of their money, most of which I didn’t know about. (Other than the diamond necklace, which I knew a little about, in the most surface-level way.) I listened to the entire audiobook in one day, because I just couldn’t put it down.

Then was Goldenrod by Maggie Smith. It was an hour long audiobook, but I just struggled to get in a poetry mood. Once I did start listening, though, I rather enjoyed myself. My favorite poem was “Junk Trees”. It was about the Bradford pear tree, which is a plague in Ohio. I loved her take on the “cum tree”, as we called it on my university’s campus. I loved Smith’s imagery, though I wasn’t a huge fan of her reading of some of the poems. I’m not a huge fan of poems where the poet takes a long pause for each line break, which I noticed she did in a few of them. Not to rag on her; it’s just not my thing.

Then was “Survivor’s Ball” by Kelly Link. As I’ve said nonstop on my Instagram (magnus-sm.writes, shameless plug), I am obsessed with Kelly Link stories. Magic for Beginners is the only audiobook I’ve bought with my own money. I listen to it on a nearly monthly basis. 

“Survivor’s Ball” was recommended to me by my friend and former professor Jennifer after I got my 1847 tattoo (the year the Donner party survivors were rescued). She said that, if I loved what I called “historical cannibalism events”, I might enjoy it. And I did! Sort of. In the way that Kelly Link stories go, it takes more than one reading to fall in love with. I love peeling back the layers of a Link story. The more you read it, the more you understand it. 

I might use it as quasi-inspiration for some poems and short stories of my own. Cannibalism is one of my special interests, after all.

My final book was also by Tori Telfer: Lady Killers. I enjoyed her writing style so much with Confident Women that I just had to listen to this second book. Old-timey serial killers interest me more than modern ones, and listening to tales of the most violent, evil women of history was deeply fascinating. I think it will help with my fantasy worldbuilding (writing Katya’s mother, specifically). It was a pretty fun read! I didn’t know of many of these women, so I learnt quite a bit about them. 

March Goals

When it came to my March goals, I was satisfied with the amount I achieved. This is because I purposefully set realistic goals instead of being far too optimistic.

The goals I met were:

Submit 2 things for publication

Continue Hamish re-write 

Write in a cafe 2 times

Maintain submission journal

Maintain word count journal

Make monthly write-up

Finish 2 audiobooks

Write 3 poems

The goals I did not meet were:

Finish 1 short story

Go to the library 2 times

Read 10 pages a day

Post to Instagram 4 times a week

Read more poetry

Clearly, it is easy for me to do organizational/tracking things, and not so easy for me to post regularly to social media.

April Goals

For April, I want to continue my pattern of “achievable goals”. It’s important to me to be able to meet most of my goals instead of shooting for the stars. 

So, my realistic April goals are:

Submit 3 things for publication

Go to the library 2 times

Finish 4 audiobooks

Finish 3 poems

Read 10 pages a day

Post to Instagram 4 times a week

Write in a cafe 2 times

Maintain a submission journal

Maintain a word count journal

Make monthly wrap-up

Continue writing novels

Write 500 words a day

Most of these are building on the goals I met last month. When it comes to writing 500 words a day, I think that it’s a relatively easy goal to meet. Normally, I shoot for 1000 a day, but 500 is far easier to meet than that. If it’s the end of the day and I haven’t written anything, trying to go for 500 is less difficult than 1000. 

[slightlyaggressiveaffirmations]

I feel like some people I know (including my supervisor and occasionally professors) don't understand that I sometimes take longer than other people to complete tasks or learn things (probably due to several of my disabilities). Do you have any advice for explaining this to other people but not making it seem like an excuse? My accommodation of extra time on assignments in school doesn't allow me very much extra time. Can I also request some affirmations about it's OK to learn at my own pace?

Hi Anon!

I have similar problems to you - because of my cognitive dysfunction, I am a slow learner, and I usually need three times as long to read anything. I am currently working on a research project for my degree that should take me one semester - but I have been able to negotiate much much longer - the initial plan is that instead of the usual 15 weeks, I will aim for 27, with the option for additional time if I need it. The reason: I cannot take in more than about 10 pages of reading a day, and that’s simply not enough.

So... let’s talk about how I explained and negotiated my way to this agreement:

1. I am registered with Disability Services

So, not every school has one, and it doesn’t help with a workplace, but essentially what this means is that I took steps to explain my situation before it became a problem. As well as registering that I need assistance (which I’m guessing you have done too - hence the extra time) I always speak to a new lecturer or professor myself after the first class. I say something like:

“Hi. My name’s Kate and you will have recieved an Education Access Plan for me. I just want to let you know some things...”

My school has rules that the Plan has to be followed, and the staff aren’t allowed to ask me why I need my special accomodations, but I like to be upfront and explain to them. Then they feel like I’m honest and trustworthy, etc. And I find them always very accomodating.

2. I make sure people see the effort I put in

I am a high achiever. At school, in the workplace, in my activism work, in video games! At school, I care a lot about my grades, but I also make a deliberate effort to be sure my lecturers and teachers can see my effort. I ask a lot of questions and raise my hand when I know the answers to things. I contribute to class discussions. I email if I am sick and I go to consultation hours and ask for help.

This means that when I need that extra time to finish an essay, they know wasn’t lazy or wasting time (and sometimes, maybe, I was!) because I have that track record of being a good student who puts effort in. I’ve even got a reputation now with staff I haven’t met.

I do the same thing at a job. I work hard and I make sure I’m seen working hard.

Note: You should not have to do this! I should not have to. Our word and a medical certificate should be enough. But it often isn’t, and you asked for advice, so this is it, sadly.

3. I explained exactly what my need is and why

When it came to negotiating this specific longterm extension on my research, I had to ask my supervisor to commit to much longer. That’s a big ask. So, I needed to be clear on what my problem is and I also came to her with a proposed solution to that problem. The clearer you can be, the better (which can be hard with a cognitive disability - but writing it down can help)

So. Problem: I can only read about ten pages or so a day of the kind of complex academic language this research requires. That’s drastically below the amount I need to read in the timeframe available.

Solutions: I need more time. There’s a way we can enrol me so the computer system allows me to take more than one semester, and I came to her with that information. I wrote a proposed study plan of how long it might take me and when I might have a first draft, a final draft, etc. I included what kind of information I thought I needed and how much time I thought the first few of these might require (Two weeks on Subject A, Three on Subject B).

I also explained to her how varying the tasks I’m performing helps me to keep focused - so I wrote a list of the tasks I needed to do besides reading, and gave her these too, so she could see how I’d help myself work better by varying tasks.

People love it when they don’t have to do that much work! If you say “Here’s the problem, I already found the solution, please tick the box that says you agree” they fucking LOVE that. The thing is done with the least inconvenience to them.

So, your problem: You need longer to complete tasks or learn something new.

If you feel comfortable, it will help to explain why this is. In simple terms, but not patronising. I always say:

“I have trouble concentrating, especially if there are distractions like other noises - even something minor like an air conditioner. I get tired easily, I can only focus for short periods. I fall asleep when reading long passages of text. I read slowly. Some days I cannot read at all.”

All of those things make up “I need more time”, but they explain WHY I need more time, and often a person who is just ignorant about disabilities simply hasn’t bothered to think about it and when you explain it like this, they begin to understand why you find things more difficult than they do.

Another thing I like to say is “Think about how you function when you’re very tired. When you try to read a book but you’re ready to fall asleep and the words blur - that’s me all the time” - that’s an experience that they can relate to, and that really helps!

Then you can tell them the solution: “It would really help if I had extra time. That would give me more time to read everything over twice to make sure I understand it.” Or you could say the extra time helps you because you can only work for a small period each day and therefore you need more days to give you an equal amount of work time as your classmates.

OK. In summary:

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with an “excuse” - it’s just a reason you didn’t or can’t do something and we shouldn’t attach negative connotations to that. But I know what you mean when you say you don’t want it to sound like an excuse, so ways to avoid that include:

1. Make your needs clear BEFORE you need them. (I realise you’re already in the situation, but note for future) If you’ve already told someone about a potential problem, it will not sound made-up to them when you bring it up during a deadline.

2. Make them trust you. Show them that you wouldn’t lie. If they think you are an excellent student/employee/citizen/etc, they will not see you as having a reason to make up some excuse. Why would you when you’re normally so diligent and enthusiastic?

3. Explain the WHY (I do and learn things slower because...) and offer solutions by explaining HOW they help (More time would mean...)

This was an extremely long answer... Not sure I could read it all in one hit myself, tbh! :p Might be pushing that ten page limit.

Good luck, Anonymous Friend. I hope some of this is helpful to you.

- The Slightly Aggressive Affirmer

[naturecpw]

How to Build a Life There Are Two Kinds of Happy People

Some of us strive for a virtuous life. Others strive for a pleasant one. We could all use a better balance. Arthur C. Brooks  January 28, 2021

One person touches the needles of a cactus while another smells the cactus flowers.   JAN BUCHCZIK

“How to Build a Life” is a weekly column by Arthur Brooks, tackling questions of meaning and happiness.

These days, we are offered a dizzying variety of secrets to happiness. Some are ways of life: Give to others; practice gratitude. Others are minor hacks: Eat kale; play a board game. Some are simply an effort to make a buck.

I have found that most of the serious approaches to happiness can be mapped onto two ancient traditions, promoted by the Greek philosophers Epicurus and Epictetus. In a nutshell, they focus on enjoyment and virtue, respectively. Individuals typically gravitate toward one style or the other, and many major philosophies have followed one path or the other for about two millennia. Understanding where you sit between the two can tell you a lot about yourself—including your happiness weak points—and help you create strategies for a more balanced approach to life.

Epicurus (341–270 B.C.) led an eponymous school of thought—Epicureanism—that believed a happy life requires two things: ataraxia (freedom from mental disturbance) and aponia (the absence of physical pain). His philosophy might be characterized as “If it is scary or painful, work to avoid it.” Epicureans see discomfort as generally negative, and thus the elimination of threats and problems as the key to a happier life. Don’t get the impression that I am saying they are lazy or unmotivated—quite the contrary, in many cases. But they don’t see enduring fear and pain as inherently necessary or beneficial, and they focus instead on enjoying life.

Epictetus (c. 50–c. 135 A.D.) was one of the most prominent Stoic philosophers, who believed happiness comes from finding life’s purpose, accepting one’s fate, and behaving morally regardless of the personal cost. His philosophy could be summarized as, “Grow a spine and do your duty.” People who follow a Stoic style see happiness as something earned through a good deal of sacrifice. Not surprisingly, Stoics are generally hard workers who live for the future and are willing to incur substantial personal cost to meet their life’s purpose (as they see it) without much complaining. They see the key to happiness as working through pain and fear, not actively avoiding them.

Epicureans and Stoics can coexist, and even cohabitate (my wife and I have such a mixed marriage). But in my experience, Stoics and Epicureans tend to look down on one another, and appear to have been doing so for about as long as both philosophies have existed. The 3rd-century biographer Diogenes Laërtius wrote that “Epictetus calls [Epicurus a] preacher of effeminacy and showers abuse on him.” While there’s no historical record of it, I can easily imagine Epicurus responding to Epictetus, “You totally need to chill out.”

For roughly 2,000 years, philosophers have asked which approach leads to greater happiness and a better life. My purpose here is different. Both views have virtues and weaknesses. I want to know what each of us, given our natural tendency toward one of the approaches, can learn and adopt from the other.

For Epicurus, unhappiness came from negative thoughts, including needless guilt, fear of things we can’t control, and a focus on the inevitable unpleasant parts of life. The solution was to banish them from the mind. To this end, he proposed a “four-part cure”: Don’t fear God; don’t worry about death; what is good is easy to get (by lowering our expectations for what we need to be happy); what is terrible is easy to endure (by concentrating on pleasant things even in the midst of suffering). This is made all the easier when we surround ourselves with friendly people in a peaceful environment.

Epicurus promoted hedonia, from which we derive the word hedonism. However, he would not have recognized our current usage of the term. The secret to banishing negative thoughts, according to Epicurus, is not mindless debauchery—despite the baseless rumors that he led wild parties and orgies, he taught that thoughtlessly grabbing easy worldly pleasures is a mistake, because ultimately they don’t satisfy. Instead, reason was Epicurus’s best weapon against the blues. For example, here is the mantra he suggests we tell ourselves when the fear of death strikes: “Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.”

In contrast to hedonia, the Stoic approach is known as eudaimonia, which might be defined as a life devoted to our greatest potential in service of our highest ideals. Stoicism is characterized by the principles of naturalism and moralism—changing the things we can to make life better while also accepting the things we can’t change. (The “Serenity Prayer” is very Stoic.) “Don’t demand that things happen as you wish,” Epictetus wrote in The Enchiridion, “but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well.”

Moralism is the principle that moral virtue is to be defined and followed for its own sake. “Tell yourself, first of all, what kind of man you want to be,” Epictetus wrote in his Discourses, “and then go ahead with what you are doing.” In other words, create a code of virtuous conduct for yourself and live by it, with no loopholes for convenience.

Epicureans and Stoics are encouraged to focus their attention on different aspects of life—and death. Epicurus’s philosophy suggested that we should think intently about happiness, while for Stoics, the paradox of happiness is that to attain it, we must forget about it; with luck, happiness will come as we pursue life’s purpose. Meanwhile, Epicurus encourages us to disregard death while we are alive, and Epictetus insists that we confront it and ponder it regularly, much like the maranasati meditation in Buddhism, in which monks contemplate their own deaths and stages of decay.

No research to date asks why some people are naturally more Epicurean and others more Stoic. No doubt there is a genetic component, given the large percentage of personality that sits encoded somewhere in our DNA. But nurture likely also plays a role: In one study, a scholar found that parents who modeled and endorsed eudaimonia had kids who engaged in eudaimonic pursuits. Meanwhile, parents who role-modeled hedonia had kids who grew up to derive pleasure primarily from this model. The implication is pretty clear: If you want children who principally pursue duty and honor, do so yourself. If instead you strive to achieve happiness by minimizing pain, your kids probably will too.

People have argued for centuries about which approach is better for happiness, but they largely talk past one another. In truth, each pursues different aspects of happiness: Epicurus’s style brings pleasure and enjoyment; Epictetus’s method delivers meaning and purpose. As happiness scholars note, a good blend of these things is likeliest to deliver a truly happy life. Too much of one—a life of trivial enjoyment or one of grim determination—will not produce a life well lived, as most of us see it.

The big question is, therefore, how people can manufacture a good blend in their lives between the two approaches. Here are three ideas.

1. Know thyself.

This expression is one of the Delphic maxims, carved into the pronaos of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi in ancient Greece. It acknowledges the fundamental truth that we can’t make forward progress in life if we don’t know where we are situated right now. Answering the question thus starts with an informal but honest answer to this question: When my mood is low, do I naturally look to increase my level of pleasure and enjoyment, or do I focus on meaning and purpose in my life? The former is a sign that you tend toward being an Epicurean, the latter that you are more of a Stoic.

More scientifically, several research-based tools to judge Epicurean or Stoic tendencies have been developed. For example, scholars fielded a survey in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences that helps uncover hedonistic tendencies. The “Meaning in Life Questionnaire” from the University of Pennsylvania’s Authentic Happiness Questionnaire Center arguably measures eudaimonic tendencies quite well. (On this test, I learned that I am near the top of the population in my efforts to search for meaning in life, but below average in having found it.)

2. Beef up the other side.

The key to blending enjoyment and meaning is not to suppress what you have, but to bolster what you lack. Once you have situated yourself on the spectrum, you can formulate a strategy to strengthen the discipline you are missing (assuming that you’re not in the middle already).

At the end of each day, you might examine the events you experienced, and ask yourself harmonizing questions. For example:

   Did this event bring me enjoyment? Did it also bring me meaning?    Did this make me feel afraid? Did I learn something from this fear that will lead to less fear in the future?    Did this serve my interests? Did it serve the interest of others?

Make resolutions that attempt to achieve yes-yes combinations to these questions.

You can also engage in concrete exercises that remediate your weakness. Stoics, for example, might program regular weekends away with friends, leaving all work at home. Meanwhile, Epicureans might do something difficult and strenuous like training for a marathon. Stoics should read this column about happiness and discuss it during their weekends away. Epicureans should spend their running time pondering the reality and meaning of death. 3. Build a happiness portfolio that uses both approaches.

Finally, it is important to pursue life goals in which each happiness approach reinforces the other. That portfolio is simple, and I have written about it before: Make sure your life includes faith, family, friendship, and work in which you earn your success and serve others. Each of these elements flexes both the Stoic and the Epicurean muscles: All four require that we be fully present in an Epicurean sense and that we also work hard and adhere to strong commitments in a Stoic sense.

The deeper point in all this is an ancient one: A balanced approach to happiness in life is best. In his essay “The Natural History of Intellect,” Ralph Waldo Emerson put it concisely: “Characters and talents are complemental and suppletory. The world stands by balanced antagonisms.”

Read: The three equations for a happy life, even during a pandemic

That’s easier said than done, of course. Whether Epicurean or Stoic, we always want to double down on what comes naturally to us. But that is the road to excess, which ultimately leads us away from well-being. “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” goes the old proverb. In 1825, the novelist Maria Edgeworth added a second line: “All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy.” Just so.

So to all you Stoics: Take the night off. And to all you Epicureans: Time to get back to work.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/01/how-balance-hard-work-and-pleasure-happiness/617847/?utm_source=pocket-newtab

Read: Sit with your negative emotions, don’t push them away

Read: Fear can make you a better person

Read: Preparing your mind for uncertain times

Read: What good is thinking about death?

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/01/how-balance-hard-work-and-pleasure-happiness/617847/?utm_source=pocket-newtab

[gogomadu]

Chloe DeVito for Myshuno Rules Season 2 @plumbobtv

Chloe DeVito/27/Politician Career: Community Organizer

Education: Distinguished Degree in Economics from Foxbury

Best Friend: Dasan Soto

Traits: Art Lover, Snob, Outgoing, Responsible, Natural Speaker, Role Model, Career-Minded Good Manners, Argumentative

Hiii~ My name’s Chloe and I am the future of the Arts Quarter. The queen of bold colors and clashing patterns. Take a picture now, or you’ll miss me~ I’m 27 and I’ve been in San Myshuno for the last 4 years. It’s been a wild ride. I’d always wanted to be some sort of artist, I wanted to paint, act, sing, dance, something! But my parents… they were your typical “over my dead body”, “get a real job”, “stop trying to be a starving artist, it’s not cute” type. I respect them and their opinions because I know how much they want me to succeed in life, so I followed their advice and instead of going to the University of Britechester for a Degree in Art History (unfortunately, I am not especially talented in any of the arts), I settled for a Distinguished Degree in Economics at Foxbury. Honestly, mathematics and science come easy to me so it wasn’t all that bad, but it was mind-numbingly boring. I always found myself going to art shows, and dance recitals. However, I wouldn’t take back my decision to go to Foxbury, it was there that I met my little nugget. As a senior, I volunteered to be a Big Sister to one of the Freshman at my uni, and found my best friend, basically my son, Dasan. We’ve been inseparable ever since, and it was actually due to him that I acquired my dream job. You see I spent the first few years out of college at a desk job crunching numbers to fatten the pockets of some CEO I’d never meet. Dasan, reached out to me and connected me to a job in the Arts Quarter. I would be using my Economics Degree to help the community draw out its earning potential. The Arts Quarter was on a financial decline, interest in the Arts was at an all time high, but desire to spend money on creative events had stalled. I was hired to at first aid in redistributing the budget to promote longevity, but over the years I’ve moved up in the ranks to be the Community Organizer, organizing and hosting fundraising events to increase our revenue and strengthen the Arts Community in the City.

As you can probably tell, my job is my passion. But my life? Even more colorful~ Currently? …I’m single? Soooo, I just got out of a long-term relationship. Do you know… Wisdom Joseph? Who am I kidding, of course you know him! Hall of Fame Professional Baseball Player, 3-year MVP of the Plummets? Yeah, him. Well, he was my boyfriend, really I should say partner. We met back when I was in college and I attended a game of his and waited around to get his autograph. He’s so old (37) so when I hit him up on Simstagram, he actually wrote back. We surprisingly hit it off really well, and I thought we were a golden pair. He supported me when I left my office job in Magnolia Promenade for the City, and 3 years ago we found out that we were expecting. I gave birth to my darling baby boy Ramsey and I thought that we would get married and officially become a family. But two years passed and when I asked him when he was going to propose, can you believe what he said? *mocking* “You know, I think we should call this off. I was looking for a more unconventional girl, you know a bit more interesting and exciting. We’re over.” 🙄 Can you believe the audacity of this… well anyways. Yeah, no. He really tried to walk out on me and our son, he wanted to go off and find some other screaming fan to date. Well this “conventional” girl was ready to show him my unconventional side. I took him to court, not to sue him, not for child support, not for custody. The complete opposite! I should have won the Starlight Accolades for my performance in that Court Room, I scrounged up my Charisma and Research and Debate skills and convinced the Judge that Wisdom was in a much better financial and mental state to have full custody of our son. I just wasn’t in the best position to give our son what he deserved and of course Wisdom wouldn’t want to deprive his own son of the best, right? And bada-bing-bada-boom, Wisdom has our son. I know some people might think I’m crazy for that, but I don’t care. Wisdom would have abandoned us without a second thought, and I won’t give him that satisfaction. I love my son, so I know I’ll visit him all the time and smother him with love, but that…Wisdom isn’t that smart or humane. So here we are, it sucks to suck.

In the meantime, I’m ready to get back out there and live my life. I want my youth back; I’ve already chopped my locs for a new start. I’m so young and I’ve already wasted too much time on a trash bag. I’m ready to meet some people and live it up in San My. Hugs and kisses babe~

“Life’s a movie, and I’m the main character~”

Private DL if chosen

[feminist-propaganda]

Single Mothers Will Probably Cry During Every Episode Of Queen’s Gambit - Episode 3

In the first two episodes of Queen’s Gambit, Beth first learns to look for a field that she can become an expert in and later understands the powers of dissociation. What Beth doesn’t share with us in these episodes, probably because she isn’t connecting to that part of herself, is what her life was like before the car crash.

The only memory we know about, which precedes the orphanage era, is the traumatic memory of the car crash, and the couple of seconds leading up to it. Because we don’t see anything prior to the car crash; our opinion of Alice (Beth’s mother)  is based off of her actions that day. We know she voluntarily crashed the car (she admits this when she tells Beth to “Close her eyes”). We don’t really know what Beth’s opinion of her mother is. 

Lesson 3: Your Biggest Enemy Is Yourself

In Episode 3 however, we are invited into an earlier childhood memory of Beth. She sits with her mother, by the lake. She reaches out to touch her mother’s hand. Her mother carresses her cheek. Her mother gets up, takes off her clothes and jumps into the lake. Beth’s face looks worried as she watches her mother disapear into the water. Beth cries out for her. Her mother finally emerges on the deck, far way, and waves. Then, Alice swims back to the shore and hugs Beth. The young girl looks happy. This seems to be a strange memory. It starts with a peaceful moment by the lake, then her mother does something that scares Beth, then it ends well and we are relieved that Beth feels relieved.

The episode is called “Doubled Pawns”, which refers to a position in Chess when two pawns are placed behind one other on the same file (column). The position is a weakness because the pawns cannot defend each other, and therefore cannot attack.

The episode starts in Cincinatti where Beth and Alma arrive to play a tournament. They enter a nice hotel room, in a luxurious venue. The room has  twin beds. Alma sits on her bed and says in a contained voice “I asked for a pleasant room and I believe they gave me one”. Beth then jumps on her bed and giggles.

All through the episode we see references to a doubled self, an other that is in fact a version of us. 

Let’s analyse this scene. We see that Alma adopts this calm, collected voice when really there is a part of her that wants to jump on the bed. Beth is the opposite: she can’t wait to jump on the bed, but she needs some sort of permission, a green light from Alma before she can do it. They both feel pleased to be a in a pleasant room, but like the two sides of a same coin, they express it differently. And like two entangled photons, their projections are related. If one is contained, the other is extroverted.

This duality, appears many more times during the episode. 

Indeed, later in the hotel lobby of the Las Vegas venue, Beth encounters Townes, a chess player she met a the State championship in Lexington. They both seemed extremely pleased to meet again. Townes makes a comment about how Beth has grown up. He informs her he is covering the event for a newspaper. Then invites her to his hotel room to take pictures of her. Beth seems very comfortable with him. She sits next to the bed and looks at the Board. Townes takes pictures. Right when he is about to get close to her, maybe even intimate, a man barges into the hotel room.

This man has some tight swimming pants on, an open shirt, a shaved chest. We understand, that this man is Townes’s lover. That they share this hotel room. That they came together to this place. The mood is a bit ruined. Beth is upset, she has feeling for Townes and he isn’t available.

This man is Towne’s “evil twin”, an other him, a “doubled pawn”. Which he forgets to watch out for, and which has become a weakness for him, rather than a position of strength. Townes doesn’t openly propose a three way to Beth, or a menage a trois. That would’ve been an aggressive, probably succesful approach. Instead he invites her in, and does not mention his other lover. The other lover appears at the worst moment and weakens Townes’s position rather than strengthens it.

Finally, in this episode Beth meets her match, Benny. He is a charismatic Chess Player. What is special about him is the same thing that makes Beth special. He does not look like a typical Chess Player. By this I mean that he doesn’t look socially awkward, he isn’t introverted, he doesn’t wear glasses. He is the U.S. champion. She first meets him in Cincinatti where he tells her it isn’t interesting for him to play Opens, “It can only hurt him”. 

His character seems to reveal to Beth that there is another world beyond these American tournaments. He is an international player, he gets invited to Europe. But also, he is her match in other ways. He is passionate about Chess, yes. But he talks about it in a fascinating manner. His style is very unique. He wears all black leather outfits and a black cowboy hat. He carries a knife strapped around his leg. He stands out, just like Beth stands out in the Chess World.

Beth has to play Benny to win the US Championship in Las Vegas. She loses.

After the match, we listen to Beth tell her version to Alma. Even though Alma understands practically nothing of the game, she listens attentively and asks questions. She is there for Beth. And at the end of the episode, Beth takes her hand in the car.

Beth tells Alma that what Benny did was “Something she did to others”. What she means by this is that he played her, made her believe that her strategy was working, that he wasn’t seeing her coming, when in fact he had it all mapped out. And he brutally defeated her.

When you are a single mother, you are terrified of dying. Not so much because you’re living an extremely fulfilling life that you don’t want to let go of. Not because you are afraid of the abyss. You are afraid of dying because you are afraid of what will happen to your children if you die.

To manage this risk, single mothers could meet with lawyers and make plans for what would happen to them if they were to die. But we know that single mothers are often times isolated and cast away by their families. So maybe imagining a plan is alreayd a problem for them.

Because single motherhood is felt to be a negative situation, most single mothers isolate themselves. They are riddled with shame and prefer to keep to themselves to not look at the disapointment or pity in the eyes of their friends and families.

They also might have conflicts with their families or their children’s father’s families which may prevent establishing a plan in the event of their death.

Finally, single mothers are most often times over worked. They often work full time to support their families, and when they are not working out of the house, they are doing housework in the home which we all know is an unending, tedious, monotonous, repetitive, mind numbing task.

This leaves little space for planning and strategizing. And in the event of an accident, some of these mothers might not have had time to make a plan.

If they did some research, like I just did, they might see that they really ought to make a solid plan for the aftermath of their deaths.

Indeed, a Swedish study from 2000 found that:

"We saw that [single] mothers demonstrated a nearly 70% higher risk of premature death than coupled mothers," study author Måns Rosén, PhD, tells WebMD.

The article continues:

“According to the findings, which were published in the journal TheLancet, the single mothers had twice the risk of suicide of mothers with partners, three times the risk of violent death, and two-and-one-half times the risk of alcohol-related death.”

The anxiety that Beth felt at the lake is what all children of single mothers feel when they watch their mothers engage in risky behavior. In Beth’s young mind, swimming in the lake is risky behavior, perhaps because she does not know how to swim. Maybe this particular lake is dangerous, I am not sure. But the emotion she feels is real regardless.

She knows that she is just a child, that she cannot swim. What will she do if her mother drowns? Watch her? Who will she call for help? There doesn’t seem to be anyone around them. 

The name of the episode is Doubled Pawns, and this matters to my argument. Indeed, the Doubled Pawn position as I mentionned above is a weakness because the pawns are unable to protect themselves.

They are the same piece on the chess board, and they can move in the same way. They have the same power to attack, to defend and the same weaknesses. To be efficient they need to be on different fields, which are the columns on the Chess Board.

The same goes for single mothers. They need to watch out for danger; but the nature of the danger is the same essence as what they’re trying to protect themselves from. In other words, their biggest enemy is themselves.

Kanye West, who has probably been the most influential rapper and producer of the 2010s, was raised by a single mother, a woman named Donda, mostly in the suburbs of Chicago. It is no secret that Donda’s death in 2007 profoundly changed Kanye as well as his music. He wrote the album 808s and Heartbreak in the aftermath of her death. Donda died because of a plastic surgery procedure that didn’t go well. 

Adams gave Donda West liposuction, a tummy tuck and a breast reduction in November 2007, but she died the following day, after reporting pain and tightness in her chest. A coroner found “no evidence of a surgical or anaesthetic misadventure,” and said “the final manner of death could not be determined. Multiple post-operative factors could have played a role in the death. The exact contribution of each factor could not be determined.”

Donda’s law, which was passed in 2009, “targets the aggressive marketing of services that make the risks “seem almost nonexistent,””.

On the track “Amazing” from 808s & Heartbreak, Kanye sings “I’m the only thing I’m afraid of”, which seems to summarize the learnings of Episode 3.

The article above explains to us that the biggest threat to single mothers is suicide, violent death and alcohol related deaths.

As Alice swims in the lake, she is indeed adopting reckless behavior. She forgets she is a single mother, and there is no one around to help her if she drowns. Yes, she comes out alive, and hugs Beth. But in case of an accident; she could’ve died.

Benny is Beth’s doubled pawn, her evil twin, so to speak. He beats her at her own game. And in this Episode, Beth learns from her mother that she needs to watch out for herself, from herself.

[fortunatelylori]

Sandtion: The Sense and sensibility connection - a meta collab with @and-holly-goes-lightly

As some of you may have gathered, @and-holly-goes-lightly​ and I are salt mates (this is a tumblr term I have learned only recently and am planning to run into the ground. You have been forwarned. I don’t want any complaints down the line!)

It all started about a year ago, with this:

And progressed steadily until we ended up here:

Occasionally, between ogling pictures of naked men, we discuss serious issues as well. Those end up as metas for your consumption, most of the time.

It’s a colaboration that works well. I write long metas, she writes really good ones. We enjoy. We have fun.

Given that we both obssesively analyze tv content and that we tend to reach about the same conclusions, we have been planning on doing some project together for a while now.

I think if 2 months ago someone had told us that Sanditon would be the tv show that would see us join writing forces, we would have been more than a little shocked.

But here we are … hoplessly obssessed with Austen’s unfinished novel and ITV’s unfinished tv show (get the hint, ITV?!?! I hope you do. Chop, chop! You can’t live on Downton Abbey reruns for the rest of time, you know)

So on this most special of days, @and-holly-goes-lightly​ and I bring you the motherload of Sandtion metas. Two crazy writers, one tv show, one simple title:

Sandtion: The Sense and Sensibility connection

It’s no surprise to anyone, at this point, that Andrew Davies wears his Austen influences on his sleeve in Sanditon. You can find easter eggs for most of Austen’s work, from the famous Pride and Prejudice to the obscure Lady Susan.

However, Sense and Sensibility seems to be one work that hasn’t insipired much comparison from the fandom. And it’s perhaps for that reason that Sandion’s last two episodes were so hard to digest and why so many question marks were raised in regards to Charlotte’s characterization.

In this project we aim to dispel some of that confusion and attempt to put into prespective the character arcs of both Sidney and Charlotte in:

Sidlotte: A parallel journey between Sense and Sensibility by @fortunatelylori​

As well as delve deeper into Charlotte’s POV through out the season finale in:

Charlotte Heywood - From Sensibility to Sense by @and-holly-goes-lightly​

We hope you enjoy our take. Please don’t forget to leave us your comments in the reply section. This is a new format for us and we’d love to hear from you on how you like this kind of collaborative work.

        Sidlotte: A parallel journey between Sense and Sensibility

As I was reading the now infamous Theo James interview, I was reminded of the “unusual” visual representation of Sanditon. It really does look quite different to most Austen adaptations which are defined by the sunny, sanitized domesticity of the English garden.

Sanditon doesn’t look like that. It’s rough and a little wild. It presents a world in the throes of change, with gales, nudity and darkness lurking around the corners. I think it’s those visual cues that made Theo link it to Wuthering Heights with its Yorkshire gloomy moors and harsh winds.

But that just goes to show you Mr. James has not done his proper Andrew Davies research (Tsk, tsk, me thinks he will need to do a few more nude scenes to atone for it) because the wind swept beaches, the wilderness of the English countryside, the cowboy motif? They all go back to this:

I imagine the visual style of Sense and Sensibility 2008 was in part generated by an attempt to separate it from the very famous 1995 version (the quintessential sunny English countryside film) and in part as a response to the earthier approach Joe Wright took for his now very influential version of Pride and Prejudice (2005).

But I do think Sanditon owes more to S&S 2008 than just its visuals. I’ve talked about this in the past but Sanditon, to me, is really Davies’ homage to Austen’s entire body of work so the more you dig and analyze, the more similarities and parallels you are going to find between Sanditon, its characters and the rest of the Austenverse (I really hope this is just a thing I say in a sarcastic way on tumblr. Not everything needs to be a –verse, people!).

Episode 8 really brought this theory into focus for me. In my review I said that the finale marked the tonal shift of the story from the naïve, hopeful and mostly comedic territory of Northanger Abbey and Pride and Prejudice towards the darker, more reflective tone of Persuasion and Sense and Sensibility.

Of course, comedy and witticisms are a core trait of all of Austen’s work. Her voice is so powerful that she is always an extra character in her own stories. However, Persuasion and S&S are also permeated with a sense of loss and angst that her other works don’t really have.

They’re more mature I suppose one could say. And it’s that maturity that plays a role in the shift that occurred in the season finale of Sanditon. Because Sanditon is really all about Charlotte Heywood. We enter this world with her and we follow her coming of age story throughout the season. And that story is marked by a pretty steep transition from the romantic, hopeful heroine represented by Marianne Dashwood to her restrained, sensible sister, Eleanor.

One of the things I liked the most about S&S 2008 was how much more balanced its view on Marianne and Eleanor was. In the 1995 film, it always felt as if Marianne was presented as a cautionary tale while Eleanor was the heroic nurturing woman who endures everything stoically and is rewarded for her restraint in the end.

But that’s not really, to my mind, the message Jane Austen would like us to get out of S&S. Just like with Pride and Prejudice, Austen is shining a light on the folly of both extreme sense and as well as extreme sensibility. It is not wise to jump head first into situations having only Lord Byron’s poems as your guide but it’s also equally unwise to constrain yourself to the point where you are unable to confide in anyone, to the point where you deny your feelings and end up a passive participant to your own life.

With Charlotte Heywood, we get to explore both those behavioral patterns.

The change from Marianne to Eleanor doesn’t occur in episode 8, by the way. It occurs at the end of episode 6 and carries through to the finale. That’s why people, including myself, were taken aback by Charlotte’s apparent change in demeanor in episode 7, from the girl who always spoke her mind (even when she shouldn’t) and wore her heart on her sleeve to the outwardly detached, apprehensive young woman who was waiting for the other shoe to drop even as the man she loved was about to propose to her.  

It would be easy to blame this transition on poor execution and I do believe the shift was too sudden and it was a mistake to have it start off screen (in between episode 6 and episode 7). However, the arc itself is not a mistake and it’s actually very clever.

For one because it allows us to explore this story both from the naïve, romantic perspective as well as the angst filled one.

Secondly, and most importantly, because it works in tandem with Sidney’s arc, who is going through the exact opposite journey from the emotionally repressed outlier to the open hearted tormented hero, representative of the Byronic romantic ideal.

What was supposed to happen is that by the end of episode 8, Sidney and Charlotte would meet in the middle, she as a more controlled romantic, he as a warmhearted stoic. What Davies gave us instead is two ships that passed each other in the night and have, by their last scene in episode 8, completely exchanged places.

So I think it’s important to go back to the beginning and analyze how the meeting between the naïve romantic Charlotte and the world weary Sidney ended up altering them forever and how, while deeply painful for both of them at the moment, their separation and behavior shift will end up benefiting them when their eventual reunion occurs (whether or not ITV decides to renew this series, Charlotte and Sidney WILL get married and have 2 to 3 adorable children because this is an Austen story and I will accept nothing less, damn it!)

One of the most important scenes in the whole season for me was the carriage scene in episode 6. I wrote a whole meta on it that you can find here and I have to go back to it in order to reference this extremely important exchange that sits as the lynchpin of this meta:

Sidney: And what do you know of love? Apart from what you’ve read?

Charlotte: I would sooner be naïve than insensible of feeling.

We’ve spent a great deal of time analyzing this scene and how pivotal it is in the story of Sidney as the motivator behind his lowering of his emotional guard. But I don’t think we’ve spent nearly enough time asking ourselves what this exchange tells us about Charlotte.

Because this doesn’t just announce a change in Sidney, it also foreshadows one for her. Sidney is correct in implying she doesn’t really understand love because she’s never experienced it. She is, however, about to realize that she’s in love with him and thus her assertion that she’d rather be naïve than insensible of feeling is just about to be tested.

And the surprising result is … Charlotte fails at her own paradigm. For the rest of the season, she will never be as emotionally open as she is in episode 6.

Charlotte is unable to remain the open book, expansive girl in the face of first supposed unrequited love and then as she experiences loss. She, instead, withdraws inward and begins building up her walls just as Sidney did after Eliza left him.

I think Davies understands Austen’s ultimate message that you fall into the extreme of sense or sensibility at your own peril, which is why he chooses to have his main two characters traverse opposite journeys so they can be brought closer by the end of the story (in season 2 of course).

That’s because at the core of all of the fights and misunderstandings between Charlotte and Sidney sit two problems:

Sidney Parker does not believe in the good intentions of other people. He is operating from a place of hurt and feeling under attack. He is essentially under the impression that the people he comes into contact with have ulterior motives, and none of them are good. And you can’t really blame him for that distorted image of reality when you consider what the two most meaningful relationships in his life have been up until this point.

On the one hand you have Tom who weaponizes even the most benign of compliments:

Tom: At least I have your prowess on the cricket field to be thankful for.

Sidney: Well in truth you have Lord Babington to thank for that. I am here at his behest to give him support in his time of romantic need. God knows he shall need it.

Tom: You’re a good friend, Sidney …  I don’t suppose you could try just one last time… [to go ask for money]

On the other hand, you have Eliza Campion who says stuff like this with a straight face:

Sidney: You didn’t have to wait for me, you know.

Eliza: I’ve waited for 10 years. What’s another quarter of an hour?

While researching this meta and also trying to figure out my Christmas fic, I’ve come to realize that both Tom and Eliza are using a victim narrative to get what they want from the people around them. What Sidney has learned from these relationships is that nothing in life comes for free. Any compliment, any sign of affection comes with a price tag or an eventual let down.

For her part, Charlotte Heywood is suspicious of Sidney because he doesn’t make himself easy to understand.

Charlotte thrives on communication and she tends to empathize and like people who share, or overshare, information with her. Her opinion on Tom shifts the moment he starts including her in his Sanditon projects. She is apprehensive of Otis for quite a bit of episode 4 but ends up completely on his side the moment he talks about his past as a slave and making innuendos about Sidney, despite neither one of those things really resolving her initial reasons for being apprehensive.

This behavior is really down to Charlotte’s upbringing in a very large but very happy family. Or as Eleanor Tilney in Northanger Abbey would put it:

Eleanor: I think you have had a quite dangerous upbringing. You’ve been brought up to believe that everyone is as pure in heart as you are.

Incidentally another Andrew Davies adaptation …

In Charlotte’s mind, people who are open emotionally and speak their mind must be good people. After all, she is this way and she certainly always has the best of intentions. When someone doesn’t do that, or worse they evade and try to manipulate, she distances herself from them, as is the case with Edward and Clara.

And since Charlotte views meaningful communication as the ultimate sign of trust, it’s this withholding of information, this emotional barrier she can sense in Sidney, that makes her mistrustful of him. She can’t understand his emotional withdrawal for what it is – a response to trauma - because she’s never experienced it. And as such she will always fundamentally misunderstand him.

We see these two character hang ups rearing their ugly heads again and again in their conflicts:

Episode 1

Sidney: And what have you observed about me upon our small acquaintance?

Charlotte: I think you must be the sensible brother of the three. I may be mistaken but it seems to me that your younger brother, Arthur, is a very … contrary nature. Alternately over lethargic and over energetic. While your elder brother, Tom, could be called over enthusiastic. I’m afraid that despite his good nature, he neglects his own happiness and his family’s in his passionate devotion to Sanditon. Don’t you agree?

Sidney: Upon my word, Miss Heywood, you are very free with your opinions. And upon what experience of the world do you form your judgments? Where have you been? Nowhere. What have you learnt? Nothing it would seem. And yet you take it upon yourself to criticize. Let me put it to you, Miss Heywood: which is the better way to live? To sit in your father’s home, with your piano and your embroidery, waiting for someone to come and take you off your parents’ hands? Or to expend your energy in trying to make a difference? To leave your mark. To leave the world in a better place than you found it. That is what my brother, Tom, is trying to do. At the expense of a great deal of effort and anxiety, in a good cause in which I do my best to help and support him. And you see fit to … to criticize him … to amuse yourself at his expense.

Fortunatelylori: … I have a theory that the reason why Sidney’s been forced into prostitution by the end of season 1 is because he used the argument of the fucking patriarchy to defend Tom The Worst Parker. Gee, Sidney, us women would love to go out there and change the world but your male friends are forcing us to stay home with our pianos and embroideries to make sure they take full advantage of our ovaries. Please take several seats!

Fortunatelylori: Also … fyi … Tom isn’t protecting England from the French or helping Warren de La Rue develop the freaking light bulb. He is trying to run a dime a dozen seaside resort and failing miserably at it so spare us the change the world one naked ass at a time speeches.

Charlotte is baited by Sidney, the emotional recluse, into oversharing which she can’t help herself from doing because even at this early stage she has a crush on him and wants to impress him with her insight. He takes that rather kind take on his brother Tom and spins it into a narrative of inexperienced superficiality and mockery because that’s what he’s conditioned himself to think about people.

Episode 2  

Charlotte: Our conversation at the party … I expressed myself badly and I fear you misunderstood me. I didn’t mean to disparage your brother or to offend you. Indeed I have the greatest admiration for what you and he are doing here in Sanditon. You were right to rebuke me and indeed I am sorry. I hope you won’t think too badly of me.

Sidney: Think too badly of you? I don’t think of you at all, Miss Heywood. I have no interest in your approval or disapproval. Quite simply, I don’t care what you think or how you feel. I’m sorry if that disappoints you but there it is. Have I made myself clear?

Fortunatelylori: Badly done, Sidney! Badly done indeed!

Not much to say about Charlotte in this one as this argument is ALL on Sidney and his trust issues. In his world, this kind of earnest apology and brave taking of responsibility is always a precursor to a guilt trip or a victimization episode. So he has become very adept at shooting down any such attempt forcefully.

It’s only in episode 3, when he sees Charlotte helping Mr. Stringer without any expectations of reward and her accepting his apology without any hint of emotional blackmail that Sidney is able to lower his guard and begin to see Charlotte for the honest, kind and generous human being that she is:

Fortunatelylori: Awwww! This is Sidney essentially seeing his unborn children in Charlotte’s eyes. (that is the most romantic lyric in the English language and no one will convince me otherwise)

However, what ends up happening? Sidney lowers his guard just in time for Charlotte to reactivate her suspicions which leads to their most explosive fight to date:

Episode 4

Sidney: Did we not agree that you would look out for Georgiana? Keep her out of trouble? I should have known you weren’t to be trusted.

Charlotte: And I should have known, despite your professed concern, you care nothing for her happiness.

Sidney: I would ask you to refrain from making judgments about a situation you don’t understand.

Charlotte: I understand perfectly well!

Sidney: Of course you do! Even though you’ve known Georgiana but a handful of weeks and him but a matter of hours.

Charlotte: That was time enough to learn that Mr. Molyneux is as respectable a gentleman as I have ever had cause to meet.

Sidney: You seem to find it impossible to distinguish between the truth and your own opinion!

Charlotte: The truth? You wish to speak of the truth, Mr. Parker? The truth is you are so blinded by prejudice that you would judge a man by the color of his skin alone.

Sidney: You speak out of turn.

Charlotte: Why should I expect any better from a man whose fortune is so tainted with the stain of slavery!

Sidney: That is enough! … I do not need to justify myself to you.

They essentially spiral out of control in this scene. Sidney’s trust issues come back and his lack of feed-back to Charlotte’s accusations make her provide increasingly horrible explanations to fill in the blanks.

Because their fights tend to be very intense (they are both people with very strong personalities), it’s easy to think of the two of them as simply not being compatible.

But their issues aren’t a matter of compatibility but rather an inability to find the right channels on which to communicate with each other, despite both wanting to.

Which brings us to episode 5

I love these little acting choices Theo James makes. This sigh is so evocative because it’s pretty clear it’s not frustration or boredom, but rather Sidney still reeling from her accusations in episode 4.

On the other side, Charlotte looks at him and thinks he is distant and non-affected and because, despite being angry, she still wants to connect with him, she tries so hard to use Sidney’s acerbic wit against him and keeps attempting to poke the big grizzly bear:

Charlotte: I assume you are here for the cricket.

Sidney: Never short of assumptions, Miss Heywood.

Unable to find a chink in his cold shoulder, Charlotte tries again at the cricket match:

Charlotte: Good luck to you too, Mr. Parker. Although I imagine you don’t think you’ll need it.

Sidney: Yes more assumptions, Miss Heywood?

Sidney is so pissed at her in this episode, not even her low key flirting with James Stringer galvanizes him.

But then something quite unexpected happens … Without actually realizing it, Charlotte manages to find the right channel to communicate on:

Stringer: You haven’t got another player to replace him. We win.

Charlotte: I’ll play.

With the wide eyed enthusiasm of a true romantic, Charlotte taps into the core of what Sidney desperately needs in his life. She doesn’t just help and support him when he needs her to but crucially she doesn’t put a price tag on it.

Charlotte: Is that a smile I detected?

Sidney: Oh, I doubt it …

Charlotte doesn’t enter the cricket match because she wants to use that gesture to ask Sidney for money for her pyramid scheme or gaslight him into thinking her betrayal was actually her “waiting” for him. Charlotte does it because she wants to see him smile. And just look at him …

Unfortunately that momentary progress is derailed again when Georgiana is kidnapped which will eventually lead to the carriage scene in episode 6 where Charlotte’s need for feed-back clashes with Sidney’s trust issues in their most revealing conversation.

It’s tempting to look at this argument and think Sidney is the only one who is in the wrong and who needs to change. But that would be missing a few important aspects of the story.

Charlotte: Otis never meant to place Georgiana in harm’s way. Any more than I did.  

Sidney: And yet you both did.

I think a lot of people, Charlotte included, fall into the trap of believing that if someone didn’t intend to harm someone else that means they haven’t actually done something wrong. Which is why there are still people in the Sanditon tag that are resisting the idea that Tom Parker is a villain. Surely he never meant to hurt his brother and he didn’t force him to propose to Eliza, so why is everyone so hard on him?

But like Charlotte had to learn with Otis, just because Tom didn’t intend to cause Sidney harm doesn’t change the fact that he very much did.

In this case, Charlotte’s major mistake was not that she helped Georgiana stay in touch with Otis. Charlotte’s mistake was in assuming she had the whole 1000 piece puzzle completed when she only had about 200 pieces in place.

Charlotte: All I ever cared about was Georgiana’s happiness.

Sidney: What did you think I cared about?

Charlotte: That is anyone’s guess!

Sidney: I’ve done the best I can by Georgiana.

Charlotte: No! At every turn you have abdicated responsibility. If you truly cared for her welfare, you would have watched over her yourself.

Sidney: It is a role I neither sought or asked for.

Charlotte: Of course not! Because you are determined to remain an outlier. God forbid you give something of yourself!

Sidney: Please do not presume to know my mind, Miss Heywood.

Charlotte: How could anyone know your mind? You take pains to be unknowable. All I know is that you cannot bear the idea of two people being in love.

Despite admitting she doesn’t know his mind, Charlotte can’t help herself from filling in the blanks with what she assumes is a conscious desire to be uncaring. Because she doesn’t have the life experience to come up with another answer.

For his part, Sidney is hurt by her lack of trust in him but unwilling to trust her enough in return to tell her the whole story. Still her words do affect him enough to make him begin to lower his barrier and give Theo James one of his best acting moments:

Sidney: And what do you know of love? Apart from what you’ve read?

Charlotte: I would sooner be naïve than insensible of feeling.

Sidney: Is that really what you think of me? I’m sorry that you think that. How much easier my life would have been if I were …

Fortunatelylori: I just … he’s very good … that is all

It would be very tempting to assume that since Charlotte admits to being naïve once the whole Otis and Georgiana’s situation is revealed:

Charlotte: It’s all so overwhelming! I hardly know what to think anymore. (beat) About anything! I’ve always felt so certain of my judgment. But now I see that I have been blinded by sentiment and naivety. How could I have gotten it all so wrong? No wonder your brother has such a poor opinion of me …

and Sidney begins to show more outward concern for the people around him and validate Charlotte in ever increasingly romantic ways:

Charlotte: I know … I’m too headstrong. I’m too opinionated. I’m too …

Sidney: No. You are not too anything. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re more than equal to any woman here.

That their clashing world views are now aligned. But the truth is, Sidney isn’t the one to explain to Charlotte how it was that he became “insensible of feeling”. It’s Tom that tells her that story (and then promptly bungles whatever help he might have provided his brother). Sidney’s trust issues remain which is evident even as late as episode 8:

Babbington: I believe she’s tamed me.

Sidney: Yes … I just imagine how that might feel.

And

Sidney: I have never wanted to put myself in someone else’s power before.

Don’t get me wrong, I melt every time I hear that second line but it is indicative of the fact that love still feels like an inherently risky and dangerous thing for Sidney where he is obliged to hand over his power to someone else and pray that person doesn’t abuse it the way Eliza did.

For Charlotte’s part, Sidney beginning to reveal more of himself and show her the true man underneath the armor, makes her fall more and more in love with him. And the more she loves him, the more afraid she is of outwardly showing it. His confusion over his feelings for her and Eliza’s reappearance in his life, cause her to attempt to fill in the blanks again in episode 7. First by proxy, while talking to James Stringer:

Charlotte: You are far too sensible to form such a misguided and futile attachment.

Stringer: Why should it be futile, Miss Heywood? For all you know your feelings are repaid 5 times over.

Charlotte: I allowed myself to believe so for the briefest of moments. But I cannot deny the evidence of my own eyes.

And then directly:

Sidney: I hope you weren’t too offended by Mrs. Campion. It was only meant in jest.

Charlotte: Is that all I am to you? A source of amusement?

Sidney: No. Of course not! You’re … Forgive me.

Charlotte: On the contrary, you’ve done me a great service. I am no longer in any doubt as to how you regard me.

So what happens in episode 8? Well, they essentially trade places, going from this:

Charlotte: I hope you won’t think too badly of me.

Sidney: Think too badly of you? I don’t think of you at all, Miss Heywood.

To this:

Sidney: Tell me you don’t think too badly of me.

Charlotte: I don’t think badly of you.

In one of my metas I made the point that Sidney Parker IS Charlotte Heywood’s coming of age story: he is her first love, the first man she is sexually attracted to, her first kiss and well … unfortunately also her first (and hopefully only) heartbreak.

By being forced to deal with her own sense of loss and the pain of being separated from the person she loves, Charlotte will finally be able to understand the true nature of Sidney’s insensitivity of feeling. Instead of causing her suspicion or apprehension, she will be able to connect with it because she’s lived through it herself.

As for Sidney … I don’t think it’s a coincidence that in the end he is forced to do to Charlotte what Eliza did to him all those years ago. He chooses to marry a wealthy woman he does not love and disappoint a poor woman whom he does love.

I think given that his motives are obviously altruistic while Eliza’s were not (both per Tom’s story as well as her general character as revealed in the show so far), the point of the similarity is not to bring him closer to Eliza. Certainly not when he’s looking at Charlotte like this:

Which means that him being forced to contend with what happened 10 years ago by reliving the incident, this time in the role of the aggressor, is there to increase his level of vulnerability and put him in the place of the earnest person trying to reach out for emotional connection and having to fight to pull down the walls he himself helped put up in Charlotte.

You know what they say … If you really want to know someone, walk a mile in their shoes. No one ever said those shoes would be comfortable.

[downn-in-flames]

let’s keep it casual

this was written for a trope stew challenge on @hpfanfictalk​ - my assigned tropes were 1) roaring rampage of revenge, 2) snowball lie, 3) friends with benefits, 4) it's personal, and 5) mistaken for betrayal. somehow, i think i managed to squish them all in here :P

read it on: hpft | ao3

[Tuesday 10 May, 15:04]

james potter: u up?

lily evans: it’s 3pm

james potter: good observation

lily evans: you need to get more creative with your ‘hi i’m bored can you come over and fuck me’ lines

james potter: did it work though?

lily evans: be there in 15

*

[Tuesday 10 May, 16:42]

sirius black: ran into lily in the lobby a few minutes ago sirius black: tell me, when are you going to finally own up to the fact that you fancy the shit out of her and aren’t just casually fucking her with no feelings involved

james potter: hmm, but see, that would require that statement to actually be true james potter: seriously, it’s just hooking up james potter: we’ve got a good thing going, i’m not going to ruin that by catching feelings

sirius black: ~catching~ feelings? sirius black: dude sirius black: feelings have long since been caught sirius black: by both of you

james potter: ur wrong but i’m not arguing that point with u anymore

sirius black: because your counterarguments are shit and you know it

*

[Wednesday 11 May, 20:53]

lily evans: i’m going to kill him i’m going to kill him i’m going to kill him lily evans: I’M GOING TO KILL HIM lily evans: give me ONE good reason not to commit murder right now

james potter: you can’t fuck me if you’re in prison?

lily evans: damn you have a point there

james potter: also why are you contemplating murder, that seems extreme

lily evans: two words for you: severus fucking snape

james potter: that’s three words

lily evans: do you want me to kill you too, bud??

james potter: you can’t fuck me if i’m dead james potter: but seriously, what did that greasebag do

lily evans: remember when i beat him to checking out the last copy of that chemistry research journal from the library?

james potter: i believe you described it as ‘the most victorious day of the semester to date’

lily evans: and i stand by that lily evans: but ANYWAYS lily evans: the creepy fucker SNUCK INTO MY ROOM and STOLE IT lily evans: and had the nerve to leave me a fucking LOVE NOTE in its place

james potter: he left you a love note?? james potter: what does it say?

lily evans: that is not the part of this story you should be fixating on lily evans: he wheedled his way through the front desk security and came into my room and WENT THROUGH MY STUFF lily evans: not to mention, the damn journal is still checked out in my name lily evans: so if he doesn’t return it on time, I’M going to have to pay for it lily evans: those things are expensive as FUCK

james potter: what a fucking twat

lily evans: i just lily evans: i can’t with him lily evans: the creepiness and borderline obsession with me is one thing lily evans: the fact that he acts like i owe it to him to be in love with him is another lily evans: but straight-up violating my privacy AND sabotaging my perfect reputation with the university library?? lily evans: i’m taking him down

james potter: hell yeah, you show that fucker once and for all

lily evans: wanna be my accomplice

james potter: that’s perhaps the sexiest thing you’ve ever said james potter: ofc i will be

lily evans: will text u when i come up with the appropriate revenge scheme

*

[Thursday 12 May, 13:02]

lily evans: meet me at the library in an hour

james potter: is this part of aforementioned revenge scheme?

lily evans: obviously

james potter: i shall be there

*

[Thursday 12 May, 15:23]

james potter: okay what the fuck was that

lily evans: in my defense it was not supposed to go that far

james potter: mind telling me what you DID have in mind when telling the librarian that we’re engaged?? james potter: because i’ve been wracking my brain and i’ve got nothing

lily evans: she was supposed to give me edit access to my account to fix my last name lily evans: which she did lily evans: and thanks to my BRILLIANT computer skills from there, the journal is checked out in snape’s name instead of mine lily evans: but clearly i underestimated how close i am with the uni library staff

james potter: no shit

lily evans: anyways, what do you want on our wedding registry

james potter: what

lily evans: i’ve got to give her a wedding website link!! she asked for it, i can’t very well show up at the library next week and not have a wedding website for her lily evans: i also ordered a £5 ring on etsy lily evans: it’s huge and tacky and exactly the sort of thing a trust fund baby like u would propose with

james potter: jfc james potter: put one of those mini waffle makers on there james potter: also i’m offended that you think so poorly of my ring-picking skills

*

[Friday 13 May, 9:10]

lily evans: hi, i have a weird request

remus lupin: that’s always a concerning sentence

lily evans: can you take fake engagement photos for me and james?? lily evans: will pay you in bourbon and chocolate

remus lupin: ……. literally what the fuck, lily remus lupin: why on earth do you need fake engagement photos

lily evans: i need them for our fake wedding website

remus lupin: somehow, that still doesn’t make this make any more sense

lily evans: it’s a long story lily evans: can you though?

remus lupin: *sigh* yes

lily evans: bless u

*

[Monday 16 May, 8:57]

lily evans: thoughts?? lily evans: Attachment - 12 Images

james potter: wow james potter: those look… really good

lily evans: we actually look like an engaged couple lily evans: like….. go us lily evans: alright, time to upload these bad boys onto the website

*

[Monday 16 May, 9:12]

james potter: sirius james potter: oh dear brother of mine james potter: who is nothing but kind and supportive and never gives me shit for anything james potter: how are you this fine evening?

sirius black: spit it out

james potter: as you know, i have been pulled into the most hare-brained of schemes with none other than lily evans james potter: and it spiralled into remus taking a bunch of fake engagement photos for us this weekend

sirius black: i am well aware sirius black: you stole my boyfriend from me on what would have otherwise been a chill saturday morning and used him to take pictures in a fucking flower field

james potter: that is correct james potter: anyways james potter: it has come to my attention that we make a Very Cute Couple

sirius black: are u saying what i think ur saying

james potter: and now i feel weird because i kind of... wish they weren’t fake??

sirius black: u ARE saying it sirius black: oh my GOD sirius black: took you long enough

james potter: hey now, you agreed not to give me shit

sirius black: if you scroll up, you’ll see i never agreed to anything

james potter: i can’t believe you’re being so rude to me in my time of dire emotional distress

*

[Monday 16 May, 15:32]

remus lupin: heard you finally got your head out of your ass and admitted you like evans as more than a friend slash hookup

james potter: i’m going to kill sirius, he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone

remus lupin: he’d like you to know that he never agreed to that either remus lupin: but seriously, it was about time

james potter: :( stop making me feel like an idiot for having feelings

remus lupin: you’re not an idiot for having feelings remus lupin: you ARE an idiot for taking so long to realise you’ve had them

james potter: this is a new development james potter: i only had friendly feelings for her until yesterday

remus lupin: …… james remus lupin: you once woke up in the middle of the night to drive to that 24-hour ice cream shop on the other side of town at 3 a.m. so you could take lily her favourite milkshake while she was studying remus lupin: that is NOT something you do for someone you only have friendly feelings for

james potter: it isn’t???

remus lupin: would you do that for me or peter?

james potter: no

remus lupin: hence, not friendly feelings

james potter: … oh

remus lupin: you are useless remus lupin: absolutely useless remus lupin: truly do not know what lily sees in you

james potter: well that’s mean

*

[Monday 16 May, 16:53]

lily evans: is it sad that i keep forgetting this wedding website is fake?? lily evans: like, i am putting Way Too Much Effort into this given that it is an elaborate ruse to appease some librarians and i keep catching myself fantasising about a real wedding lily evans: literally what is wrong with me

remus lupin: jfc remus lupin: you two really ARE meant for each other

*

[Monday 16 May, 23:49]

james potter: wait what do you mean ‘what lily sees in me’?? james potter: remus?????

*

[Tuesday 17 May, 10:03]

lily evans: stage 2 of burn snape’s life to the ground begins tomorrow lily evans: are you ready?

james potter: should i be prepared for a fake marriage this time?

lily evans: haha no, i promise i won’t spring any fake relationship statuses on you this time lily evans: but now that you mention it… lily evans: check out this work of art lily evans: theknot . com / deerlybeloved

james potter: fucking hell, evans james potter: you went all out

lily evans: umm yeah lol lily evans: turns out designing a wedding website is a really fun way to procrastinate

*

[Tuesday 17 May, 10:16]

james potter: she used a deer pun in the fake wedding page name i actually can’t breathe

sirius black: the transition from complete denial to pathetic sod happened even faster than i expected

james potter: you are ruthless

sirius black: remember when i was the pathetic sod about remus and you gave me SO much shit about it?? sirius black: this is payback, bitchhhhhhh

james potter: you’re right, i deserve this

*

[Wednesday 18 May, 19:34]

james potter: truly, evans, i don’t understand why you’re studying chem when you’re this good at hacking into things james potter: in other news, i’m having the absolute fucking time of my LIFE on snape’s reddit account rn james potter: i just wrote a long essay about how i’ve learned the errors of my bigoted ways and am embracing the blm movement and intersectional feminism and i’ve never seen something get so violently downvoted so fast

lily evans: see, this is why i knew you were the right accomplice for this lily evans: keep destroying his internet reputation and trolling his weird alt-right community with all your research and logic lily evans: you’re doing amazing sweetie

james potter: studying human rights law does occasionally have its perks james potter: this, plus ya know the whole ‘making the world a better place’ thing

lily evans: i was about to say lily evans: i should hope the only perk isn’t trolling the internet

james potter: ahahahahah yessss one of the admins is threatening to kick me out james potter: also he keeps using mudblood as an insult and i’m like ??? james potter: what does that even mean??

lily evans: somehow i feel like you don’t want to know

james potter: update i found out, and yes you were right, i didn’t want to know

lily evans: in that case, not gonna ask

*

[Thursday 19 May, 17:35]

severus snape: Potter.

james potter: fuck i really thought i’d blocked your number

severus snape: You’ve pulled childish pranks in the past, but getting me banned from the Death Eaters Messageboard is a new low.

james potter: i’m sorry what james potter: i don’t know what you’re talking about

severus snape: Cut the bullshit. severus snape: In the process of reinstating my account - with none of my reputation points, might I add, thanks for that - I’ve acquired photo evidence of the posts that resulted in my expulsion. severus snape: I know no one else who would both make a play on words about deer and quote a Taylor Swift song in the same sentence. It was obviously you, you childish buffoon.

james potter: haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

severus snape: I’m not joking around here.

james potter: baby i’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

severus snape: You’re going to regret this, mark my words.

james potter: i shake it off, i shake it off

james potter has blocked severus snape

*

[Thursday 19 May, 19:03]

lily evans: come over i’m bored

james potter: is this a ‘come over so we can have sex’ type of come over or a ‘come over so we can watch the good place for the hundredth time’ type of come over

lily evans: why does it have to be one or the other?

james potter: touché james potter: omw

*

[Thursday 19 May, 22:38]

james potter: RED ALERT I HAVE FUCKED UP james potter: you’re 1000% gonna roast me for this and i don’t fucking care because if i don’t tell someone i’m actually going to explode

sirius black: what happened with lily this time

james potter: bold of you to assume this has to do with lily

sirius black: does it have to do with lily?

james potter: ….. yes

sirius black: my bold assumption proven correct

james potter: anyways, we were shagging, as we do james potter: and it was the ~heat of the moment~, you know??

sirius black: i am not qualified to give you sex advice, if that’s where this is going

james potter: and i might’ve accidentally told her i loved her

sirius black: oh fuck that’s not where this was going

james potter: and now i don’t know what to doooooo

sirius black: well, what did you do after you said it?

james potter: honestly i blacked out james potter: i think i backtracked by telling her i meant that i love fucking her and then just like….. left as soon as we were done

sirius black: jesus fucking CHRIST

*

[Thursday 19 May, 22:54]

remus lupin: sirius is banging his head on the table repeatedly and given that he was texting you a few minutes ago i can only assume you said something on a whole new level of stupid

*

[Thursday 19 May, 23:01]

james potter: sirius??? james potter: help???

sirius black: i have never gone out on a date with a woman and even i can tell you that that is absolutely NOT what you do when you tell a girl you love them for the first time sirius black: you absolute knob

james potter: so what do i doooooo

sirius black: tell her the truth maybe? sirius black: the cat’s out of the bag now anyways and it’s not like you can make things any worse than you already have

james potter: but we agreed no one was going to catch feelings when we started sleeping together!! james potter: we pinky swore james potter: i can’t break a pinky swear

sirius black: ffs the fact that you two pinky swore on a sex agreement is something i’ll need to give you shit for at a totally separate time but that’s not the most pressing issue at the moment sirius black: my point stands, breaking a pinky swear is still an improvement on the current situation sirius black: just tell her the truth so you two can become that nauseatingly adorable couple and overtake me and remus as the most vomit-inducing pair in college

james potter: ughhhhh james potter: curse my blood-deprived brain for getting me into this mess

*

[Saturday 21 May, 9:37]

lily evans: phase 4 of fucking up snape’s life starts today - you ready?

james potter: uhhh yeah james potter: listen, are you okay?

lily evans: yes? why wouldn’t i be?

james potter: idk james potter: but good, that’s good

lily evans: yep, it’s good

james potter: how many phases are there to this snape plan anyways? james potter: will i get to know any of the phases in advance?

lily evans: 4 phases lily evans: phase 1 was putting the world back in its rightful order, phases 2-4 are all about destroying the things he holds most dear lily evans: see: his top 5 placement on that alt-right message board (phase 2), and his good reputation with all the chem professors (phase 3) lily evans: (i handled phase 3 on my own, btw)

james potter: fair enough, don’t know how i would’ve helped with chem professors anyways james potter: pretty sure one of them (slughorn i think?) hates me from that one time sirius and i let chickens loose in the science building

lily evans: oh god yeah he definitely probably does lily evans: anyways, phase 4 is sneaking into his room like he did to mine, and you’re gonna leave the note lily evans: he’ll be properly pissed off if he knows you got in, but he’d probably just wank to a note i left

james potter: thanks for the most cursed mental image of my life james potter: but you’re prob right tbh

lily evans: anyways, i’m pretty good at picking the locks on the dormitory windows, so i’ll go in that way and unlock his room from the inside - all you’ll need to do is show up lily evans: tonight at 7

james potter: roger that

*

[Saturday 21 May, 13:46]

remus lupin: have you talked to lily about the infamous mid-coital ‘i love you’ yet?

james potter: jfc must sirius tell you everything james potter: and no, i’m getting there i swear

remus lupin: get there faster

*

[Saturday 21 May, 22:40]

sirius black: is everything okay?? sirius black: actually wait i know the answer to that sirius black: you came in soaking wet two hours ago and grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the kitchen and have been blasting all too well at top volume ever since sirius black: everything is definitely not okay

james potter: fcuk lily evans james potter: and not in the fun way james potter: i’m never gonna fuck her in the fun way again

sirius black: what happened?

james potter: rememember how we were sabotaging snep’s life james potter: *sneep james potter: *snape james potter: turns out, she and sneep go way back james potter: motherfucker james potter: sneep is jsut his name now james potter: anyways, she set me up and betrayed me james potter: sneep knew i was gonna be there and put a booby trap on his door, and he and lily were inside LAUGHING at me

sirius black: wait what the fuck sirius black: lily would never

james potter: but she would apparently james potter: she even has pictures of them in primary school together james potter: i just james potter: fuck

sirius black: that’s actually beyond fucked up

james potter: originally this whole revenge on sneep thing was just me following along with lily’s rage james potter: but now it’s personal james potter: the lily revenge plan didn’t have a phase 5, but the james version does james potter: and i’m taking both of them dwon james potter: is it petty? yes james potter: will it actually fix th fact that evans betrayed me? no james potter: but will it make me feel better? yess james potter: and that, i think, is a valid reason james potter: will u hlep me??

sirius black: i mean, i’m always down to fuck with sneep sirius black: but uhh, maybe sleep off the alcohol first sirius black: and stop playing all too well

james potter: okye

sirius black: that was not an invitation to start playing you’re not sorry

james potter: taylor swift is th eonly person who gets my sadness right now i cant’ help it

*

[Sunday 22 May, 9:21]

lily evans: i called you like 5 times last night, why didn’t you pick up

james potter: i wasn’t aware you’d want to talk to me james potter: too busy hanging out with your bff sneep

lily evans: jfc you’re such a drama queen

james potter: excuse me

lily evans: also god no i’d never hang out with snape lily evans: sneep? lol

james potter: it was a typo that i’m making into an Official Thing james potter: you two seemed awfully cozy yesterday james potter: you know, when you betrayed me and led me straight into a trap

lily evans: ffs i didn’t betray you lily evans: if you would’ve picked up any of my calls last night, i would’ve been able to explain to you that this was all part of the plan

james potter: wait what

lily evans: i had to make you think i’d betrayed you because you can’t act for shit

james potter: why did you need me to think that

lily evans: for the real phase 4 lily evans: i’m destroying everything snape holds dear lily evans: which, yes, includes both his weird messageboard reputation and his teacher’s pet status, but you know what’s at the very top of that list? lily evans: his perpetual wank that i’m going to realise he was the perfect man for him all along lily evans: hence, i have lulled him into a false sense of believing his fantasy has finally come true so i can crush it under my heel once and for all

james potter: that is… downright diabolical

lily evans: i take revenge crusades very seriously

james potter: ok but how do i know you’re not double crossing me again?

lily evans: bc for fuck’s sake in what world would i EVER want to be with someone who treats me like a fucking prize that he’s owed for being nice to me as a kid?? lily evans: c’mon potter, you know me better than that

james potter: it felt SO REAL yesterday though

lily evans: that is because i, unlike you, am excellent at acting

james potter: why do you keep implying i’m a bad actor??

lily evans: because you are lily evans: exhibit a - you told me you loved me and then proceeded to full-on panic so hard that you gave the world’s worst cover up and ran away at the first possible moment

james potter: oh god, you noticed that

lily evans: of course i noticed that, because once again, you are the world’s worst actor

james potter: yikes james potter: i’m sorry, i know i managed to break literally the only rule we had going into this arrangement

lily evans: it’s actually kinda convenient, tbh lily evans: considering i broke it as well

james potter: you what

lily evans: as it happens, i have somewhat recently come to the realisation that my feelings for you are somewhat outside the bounds of what one would consider ~friendly~

james potter: was it the wedding website james potter: is that what did it

lily evans: embarrassingly enough…. yes

james potter: SAME

lily evans: wait seriously??

james potter: so serious i’m not even gonna make a sirius pun james potter: i mean, did you SEE how good we look together?? james potter: evans, we are a POWER COUPLE

lily evans: hell yes we are

james potter: a power couple who takes sneep down once and for all

lily evans: hell yes we are x100 lily evans: come over in a bit? gotta discuss the actual plan lily evans: i may have an idea that makes it even better

*

[Sunday 22 May, 10:21]

james potter: on second thought, plans have changed yet again

sirius black: i take it this is a positive change sirius black: given that you have now taken to blasting call it what you want

james potter: :)

*

[Sunday 22 May, 13:05]

james potter has unblocked severus snape

james potter: hey bro i just wanted to say i’m sorry for trying to sneak into your room

severus snape: You’re not my bro. Don’t call me that. severus snape: We both know you’re only apologising because you wanted to get into Lily’s pants.

james potter: not what this is about but go off i guess

severus snape: You’re just jealous because for once, the nice guy did get the girl. severus snape: Apology not accepted, by the way.

*

[Sunday 22 May, 13:13]

james potter: Attachment - 1 Screenshot james potter: at what point do i get to tell him i’ve actually been in your pants

lily evans: your time will come lily evans: but for now, stop texting sneep and put your phone down so that you can cuddle with your naked girlfriend who’s literally on the other side of the bed waiting for you

james potter: don’t have to ask me twice

*

[Sunday 22 May, 13:57]

lily evans: hey sev? wanna meet me at the founder’s garden this afternoon?

severus snape: Of course. Let’s do 4.

lily evans: looking forward to it xx

*

[Sunday 22 May, 18:59]

sirius black: heard sneep had a temper tantrum so dramatic half of the college overheard it

james potter: it was iconic

sirius black: also heard you and evans are engaged now???

james potter: ah, that part is just hearsay james potter: we decided to lean into the fact that we’ve already got a fake wedding website and just throw a fake proposal in there for good measure james potter: it’s still not an actual engagement james potter: but sneep doesn’t know that, and he never will

sirius black: that is so fantastically stupid, but then again, i don’t know why i’d expect anything less from you two at this point

james potter: i am going to buy her a less shitty ring though - not like an actual diamond one, but something in the middle ground, ya know? james potter: if she’s gonna wear it all the time it might as well be nice

*

[Sunday 22 May, 23:41]

severus snape: You are despicable. severus snape: You stole the girl who was clearly MINE. Lily loved ME first.

james potter: first of all, lily doesn’t belong to anyone james potter: second of all, she picked me

severus snape: And we all know you’re just going to drop her as soon as you get your dick wet.

james potter: not that our sex life is any of your business, but i can assure you that i have already disproven that theory

severus snape: That’s disgusting. I didn’t need to know that.

james potter: i mean, you’re the one who keeps bringing things back to getting into lily’s pants james potter: just wanted to share that the experience is indeed a pleasant one, 10/10 would recommend, not that you’ll ever get to experience it for yourself

severus snape: Fuck. You.

james potter: you know what i think, sneep?

severus snape: My name is Snape. Surely your pea brain can at least spell that properly.

james potter: i think you need to calm down james potter: you’re being too loud

james potter has blocked severus snape

*

[Monday 23 May, 12:54]

lily evans: fyi the uni library staff sent us one of those mini waffle makers as an engagement gift

james potter: oh my god james potter: best fake engagement ever

lily evans: figured you’d enjoy that

[ladybugsfanfics]

Shut Up And Kiss Me [3/?] | Tom Hiddleston x reader

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x reader

Style: Part Three of ?

WC: 2864

Warning: cursing, drunkness, some talk about not sleeping enough (sleep deprivation)

Summary: You and Professor Hiddleston have been colleagues for many years now, and through those years the hatred for each other has only grown. Now, as a new school year starts, you’re being told that you have to share a classroom or a class. Neither are happy about the outcome, but knowing you’ll never come to an agreement, you let the class choose for you. Team-teaching is rare in 2019, but it is a lot harder to do when you can’t stand the person you’re doing it with.

A/N: aaa, can’t believe I actually managed to wait a week, but it was worth it because, uuh, before I edited the part i wasnt too happy with it but now I am really proud so like, yeah, also there’s a myth mentioned in this. Said myth is called  Thor the Transvesite and i recommend reading it because it is hilarious and one of my fave norse myths. enjoy ^_^

If you want to be tagged, please send an ask or a DM ^_^

Previous | Series Masterlist | Part Four

You lean back in your chair, hands warmed by a cup of hot chocolate that tastes of heaven as you sip it. 

Across the room, Hiddleston is approached by Alisha Grant. The head of HR owes you a favor and now you get to see her do the little thing you’d asked of her the night before.The English Literature professor frowns at her words, pulls back in confusion and purses his lips with what you can only read as anxiousness. His feet start tapping against the floor and he pushes his glasses up his nose with his pointer finger.

Dr. Grant smiles at him, turns and leaves, walking towards you. She stops in front of the table you occupy. “Happy?” she asks.

You nod with a beaming smile. “Of course. Now he’s anxious and the rest of part one will be easy.” 

She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “I put you two in the same classroom so you’d become more capable of behaving in each other’s presence, yet here you are, making me do something that helps with the exact opposite.” 

“And you love me for it,” you say and sip your hot chocolate with a smug smile. “You find our rivalry as cute as Benedict. God, I was at his place on Friday to talk to him about this research thing I’m doing and he couldn’t talk about anything but our feud.”

“Oh, because you can.” Alisha rolls her eyes again. “Anyways, I’ve done as you asked and now you’ll have to excuse me, I have a lunch to attend.”

“Sure, don’t eat with me. I’m not all alone and bored to death,” you say sarcastically. 

Alisha shakes her head, though with an amused smile tugging at her lips. “You’ll have to ask someone else then. Bye.” She gives a little wave and walks away, still shaking her head. 

As she leaves, a rather angry professor marches up to you. Hiddleston’s brows are knitted together and his eyes stare daggers at you. You only smile innocently at him, fully enjoying the moment. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” he asks, his accent more pronounced with the anger in his voice. 

You shrug. “Honestly, I’m not sure. Just out here bullshitting my way through life.” You sip your hot chocolate, smiling smugly behind the mug.

“No, you had something to do with Dr. Grant approaching me.” He sits down in the chair across from yours. “What did you tell her?”

“Nothing,” you say, which, in all honesty, is the truth. “We’re friends, okay? I’m sorry she isn’t yours. Jealousy isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but remember to tone it down a little maybe?.”

The neck in his veins bulges out, blue shading the fair color of his skin, and threatening to explode. You purse your lips, though the lower trembles a little and tears starts to form in your eyes. Suppressing a laugh is harder than you thought. 

“Oh, shut up,” he says and stands. “Don’t believe I don’t know what you’re doing.” 

Watching him madly stalk away makes its way to the top ten things everyone should experience in life. You have never seen something as beautiful (to be honest, his little ass isn’t that bad). 

 ---

“You’re an idiot, do you know that?” Hiddleston hisses at you. 

“Excuse me?” You stare at him. “I’m the idiot? Have you met yourself?” 

He clenches his fists, opens his mouth, and decides against it. Hiddleston takes a glance up at the thirty students writing away at their computers and chatting with each other. You scoff. If you knew all it would take for him to shut up was to have students in the room, you’d have proposed this idea to Dean McHallan years ago. 

The professor takes a step closer to you, close enough for you to hear his heartbeat and feel his breath mix with yours. “I’m not sure exactly what you have as a brain, but I can assure you, it is no bigger than a nut,” he says, venom laced in his voice. 

“And I can assure you, it still contains more information than the bloated one you have.” 

 ---

The papers spread out on your office floor make less sense now than they did when you first put them down. Instead of being a fun research project as you hoped, it gives you a massive headache. Nevertheless, you had gotten some very nice ideas for classes. 

Your sophomore class had taken a liking to the idea of researching norse mythology in a new way. Reading some of the myths had turned into a great laughing session and been turned into an assignment to study as relics and reports, a great way to learn how to assess a source. 

And for the creative writing class on Thursday―you have yet to propose this to Hiddleston―you have an idea to use allusions to pepper in nuance to a story. 

But for the moment, as your mind is blank and a pikachu and a bulbasaur pops up, you’re pretty sure the last two all nighters weren’t a good idea. Or maybe you’re playing Pokemon Go with your mind (who knows?). 

You startle to a knock on your office door. “Come in,” you say and try to shake away the two pokemon in front of you as you regain your balance. It only works halfway and the person who opens the door steps on them as he comes inside. Actually, it might be that shot or two (shh, it wasn’t more) of vodka you took to brainstorm that does this. 

“Why aren’t you going home?” Benedict sighs and gives you a worried look. 

You shrug. “Beats me. I really should,” you say and nod aggressively, with a grimace saying ‘you’re-right’. 

Benedict tilts his head. “Are you drunk?” he asks and takes a step further into the room. 

“Noooo,” you say and hop down from your desk. You land on the mess of papers, mixing up their positions. “I would never.” You furiously shake your head no and then slowly go over to nodding. “Actually, now that I think about it. I might be?” 

“Okay, come here. I’m driving you home.” He holds out a hand for you to take. 

You accept it and smile at him. “You’re such a good friend.” Your nose scrunches as you coo at him and smile wider, showing teeth. 

He nods with a smile. “I know I am. You have your things?” 

You let go of his hand and turn around to find your backpack. “Ready,” you say, only to go and get your jacket. You stop mid track and your eyes widen. “Oh, oh, oh.” You scramble to your desk and find a pen and paper, and write down the idea that popped into your head. 

“Y/N,” says Benedict, his voice soft, “we should leave.” 

You wave at him. “Uno momento,” you say in broken Spanish and finish the sentence. You squeal at the amazing idea and scramble for your coat, putting the note in the pocket. “Ready!”

Benedict shakes his head, though he smiles and follows you out. He locks your office for you and takes your car keys. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow, too, don’t worry about it.”

“I won’t,” you say and hug him from the side. “You’re the best. Not like Tom. He’s the worst.”

You hear the physics professor sigh, but he doesn’t comment on it as you slowly begin to talk about the English Lit professor. He doesn’t mention it as you talk about the man’s personality, nor does he mention it when the words, “he has no business being that hot,” slips out and you let out a heavy sigh. 

 ---

You groan as you get into the passenger seat of Benedict’s car. “You have no idea how much my head hurts,” you say and stare at him through a pair of sunglasses. 

“Then you shouldn’t drink and work.” He rolls his eyes, but you notice the smile playing on his lips. “What made you believe that was a good idea?”

“Uhh, I believe it was the all-nighters. After all, when you came into the room I saw pokemon.” You groan at the hazy memory. “Fuck, that’s usually not even a consquence of alcohol.” 

Benedict takes a turn out of your neighborhood. “No, but it is a symptom of sleep deprivation. You should take better care of yourself.” He casts a quick glance your way with a worried smile, and then puts his attention back on the road. “What more do you remember?”

You shrug. “Uhh, you helping me. Getting my things.” You scrunch your face to rack your brain for the hazy moments of last night, but not much more comes to mind. “Did I do something stupid?”

A chuckle comes from Benedict. “Be glad I was the one to find you,” he says. “You didn’t do anything stupid until after, though. But I remember you having some bright idea? Care to indulge?”

“Bright idea?” you ask. 

“Yeah, you were about to get your jacket when you had some realization and wrote something down.”

“Oh,” you say. You check your jacket pockets, and true enough, there’s a post-it note inside it. You unfold the note and try to decipher the scrambled words. talk to tom about class. (remember don’t mention your crush shhhh) 

You nod, curl the paper and put it back into your pocket. “It was not a good idea and really you should never trust drunk people to have good ideas.” 

Benedict laughs and you sit back in silence. You press your lips together as your mind races through the few things you said as Benedict helped you home. Biting your lip, you can’t remember anything that will alert your friend to something you don’t want him to know. Nor did he see the note, so you should be good. 

Still, during the next few minutes before Benedict pulls up to campus, your heart beats unsteadily. Your head throbs and your gut churns at the stupid admittance from your drunk and sleep deprived self. The knowledge that said secret is about the person you allegedly hate, that gives you countless headaches throughout the day, and that you’re teaching a class with in a few hours, has your head spin and your throat go dry.

Yup, sure, looking forward to it. 

 ---

“Professor Y/L/N.”

You turn around to the small smile of one of your students. Mr. Holland purses his lips, his grip on a piece of paper turning his knuckles white. “What can I help you with?” you ask him, returning his kind, albeit nervous,  smile. 

He looks down. “I was wondering if you could, uh, read over this story I wrote.” He hands you the paper and carefully looks up at you. “You don’t have to, really, I just… I have you in both history and this and you said to use classes to ease the workload, and well, I have this story that does a take on one of the myths we have in history.”

“Really?” You raise a brow and accept the paper. The title reads Lady Thor, and immediately you smile knowing which myth he chose. The image of Thor claiming to be Freya and swinging Mjolnir at his new husband and the guests, all the while dressed in a bridal gown that spared no expenses. “Even this one. You know, this is one of my favorites.” 

Mr. Holland nods. “Yeah, of the ones you showed us, it’s mine, too.” He puts a hand on his neck and rubs. His eyes avoid your gaze a little, but through his eyelashes you can see him look up at you for a reaction. 

You smile wider, eye crinkling at the sides. “I’ll read through it tonight, okay?” 

At the words, Mr. Holland visibly relaxes. His arm falls down to his side, and he smiles. “Oh, wow, that’s really cool of you. Thank you so much.” 

You widen your smile at him. “Don’t worry about it.”

Mr. Holland nods and shakes his head at the same time, looking like a little kid finally getting that present he wants. “Thank you so much. Have a nice day, professor Y/L/N. Thank you so much.”

You let out a laugh. “Thank you. Have a nice day, too, Mr. Holland,” you say, “see you tomorrow in class.”

He nods and leaves the classroom, last of the thirty students after yet another class of creative writing. You let out a content sigh and gather your things on the desk, tucking the paper with his story carefully into the same fold as your laptop so as not to wrinkle it. 

“Uh,” Hiddleston says, and you turn your head and glance at him, “this idea of yours, incorporating other works into their own, it was rather good.” 

You raise a brow and fully turn around. “Wait? Is what I’m hearing praise? From Thomas William Hiddleston? From the man who hates my guts?” You fish your phone out of your pocket and open the camera. “Can you say it again, but on camera so I have proof?” 

Hiddleston rolls his eyes. “Can’t you just take the compliment? I know there’s not a lot of space in the nut you call a brain, but maybe try to find some for basic mannes.” 

“Oh, because there’s more space in yours? Sure, it’s bloated, but we both know how small it really is.” You scoff and turn around, putting your phone back in your pocket and closing the zipper of your backpack. “You know what, Hiddleston?” You turn back to him. 

“What?” 

“You’re just annoyed that I might actually have the upper hand in this class. That my ideas are better than yours and that, really, I should have the whole class. You know as well as I that the only reason I don't is because you’re too proud to admit I’m better than you.” 

The man takes long, quick strides, closing the distance between you two. “I’m not annoyed. Rather I find it fascinating that you’re teaching a class that you’re less qualified for than the rest of the teaching faculty.” 

“I’m more than qualified. In fact, I believe I’m more qualified than you in certain aspects of it. All you got is your literature and your language, and sure it helps, but you’re too stuck up with the old you don’t know what’s new and how to actually make these students achieve to the best of their abilities.” You raise your voice. Eyes lock onto his; You can see your reflection in them, see the anger riddled on your face. “The fact that you don’t think I’m qualified is exactly why you’re brain is bloated; It’s because you can’t see facts unless they’re touching your dick.”

Hiddleston shakes his head. “Oh, yeah,” he says, “and why can’t you realize that I never did anything to you and that the only reason you hate me is because you need some action in your life?”

What has that got to do with anything?

You take a step closer to him. “Action? And what action do you give my life?” His breath mixes with yours. “You give me headaches, stomach aches making me want to not show up for work. I’ve missed every birthday of Benedict’s kids because of you and I love those kids. You ruin my life because you can’t see that not everything revolves around you. You’re not the freakin’ sun, but you damn as well might be the Earth being that egocentric”

You’re both shouting now. Your words mix together and distorts into the background. One step closer and you can smell his cologne, One step closer and his heartbeat mixes with yours, creating a rhythm that takes control of your mind. Half a step closer and you’re inches apart, close enough for you to look into those blue-green eyes of his and see the fury sparkle. Half a step closer and you’ll be close enough to only need one push and your lips will touch his. 

Neither of you stop shouting, but as you take that step closer, you forget what you’re arguing about, even though your mouth continues to shout words. 

Never in a million years would you admit the thought that runs through your head as you take that step. Never in a million years would you act on said thought. But, right there and then, it crosses your mind. It races across, asking a million questions of what would happen if you were to lean up those few inches and capture his lips in a heated kiss that would finally shut him up. 

But you don’t act. 

No, instead, your voice returns. Instead, your head grows clear. Instead, Tom’s voice slows down, the volume of his voice decreasing. 

In that moment, you know with one hundred percent certainty; You will never admit to why you hate him. You’ll never admit it’s easier to hate. Easier to fuel unnecessary rage and unjustified actions. Easier to keep hating and fuel the energy behind it. 

Because asking for forgiveness takes courage you don’t possess.

permanent tags: @devilbat @adefectivedetective 

tom tags:  @inlovewith3 @bookgirlunicorn @mindlesschicca @justawriterinprogress 

SUaKM tags:  @plooffairy @just-the-hiddles @jennytwoshoes @lokissidehoe @fruitfly123 @princetale @scorpionchild81 @noplacelikehome77 @winterisakiller @lostsoldieronahill @nonsensicalobsessions @cherrygeek86 @louhpstuff @olyamoriarty @sunshinein17 @kthemarsian @kumikowi @secretcupcakekitty @buckygrantbarnes @josis-teacup @runawaygiirl @januarycalendargirl @funny-fangirl @kinghiddlestonanddixon @scorpiomindfuck  @dr-kayleigh-dh @inmyworstlies @twhgirl

Bold in the taglist means tumblr won’t let me mention you :(

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THE COURAGE OF PROJECT

Then when you start a startup anywhere. That's why mice and rabbits are furry and elephants and hippos aren't.1 The very design of the average site in the late twentieth century. He got a 4x liquidation preference. Google, it's hard to get into grad school in math. Can we claim founders are better off as a result of this new trend. Where you live should make at most a couple percent difference. But investing later should also mean they have fewer losers.

They make something moderately appealing and have decent initial growth.2 If you major in math it will be whatever the startup can get from the first one to write a paper for school, his mother would tell him: find a way to turn a billion dollar industry into a fifty million dollar industry, so much the better, if all fifty million go to you. The classic yuppie worked for a small organization. Before us, most companies in the startup funding business. The best way to get a big idea can take roost.3 4 or 5 million. This essay grew out of something I wrote for myself to figure out how to increase their load factors. But you can also apply some force by focusing the discussion: by asking what specific questions they need answered to make up their minds. This plan collapsed under its own weight.4 Startups happened because technology started to change so fast that big companies could no longer keep a lid on the smaller ones.

The only place your judgement makes a difference is in the industry.5 People who do great work, and it's a bad sign when you have a special word for that. One of the exhilarating things about coming back to Cambridge every spring is walking through the streets at dusk, when you can see into the houses. If you have steep revenue growth, say over 6x a year, no matter how many good startups approach him. Recently we managed to recruit her to help us run YC when she's not busy with architectural projects.6 This works better when a startup has 3 founders than 2, and better when the leader of the company in later rounds. I'm not saying you can get away with zero self-discipline.

We're not a replacement for don't give up. What you should not do is rebel. But while series A rounds from VCs. Someone who's scrappy manages to be both threatening and undignified at the same world everyone else does, but notice some odd detail that's compellingly mysterious.7 Even Tim O'Reilly was wearing a suit, a sight so alien I couldn't parse it at first. They can't tell how smart you are.8 The story about Web 2. Maybe one day the most important thing is to be learned from whatever book on it happens to be closest. This essay is derived from a keynote at FOWA in October 2007. They'll decide later if they want to raise.9

Sometimes it reached the point of economic sadism: site owners assumed that the more pain they caused the user, the more benefit it must be to them. It's cities that compete, not countries.10 Kids are curious, but the best founders are certainly capable of it. But investors are so fickle that you can fix for a lot of time on work that interests you, and don't just refuse to. But you have to be an insider.11 A key ingredient in many projects, almost a project on its own, is to step onto an orthogonal vector. So ironically the original description of the Web 2. Back when it cost a lot to like I've done a few things, like intro it to my friends at Foundry who were investors in Service Metrics and understand this model I am also talking to my friend Mark Pincus who had an idea like this a few years ago.12 0 seemed to mean was something about democracy. We didn't have enough saved to live on. There is another reason founders don't ask themselves whether they're default alive or default dead.13

So most investors prefer, if they wanted, raise series A rounds. They're unable to raise more money, and precisely when you'll have to switch to plan B if plan A isn't working. That doesn't mean the investor says yes to everyone. Miss out on what? It's so cheap to start web startups that orders of magnitudes more will be started. Investors evaluate startups the way customers evaluate products, not the way bosses evaluate employees. The bust was as much an overreaction as the boom.14 Startups are undergoing the same transformation that technology does when it becomes cheaper.15 Another way to fly low is to give them something for free that competitors charge for. After all, a Web 2.16 He bought a suit.

Instead you'll be compelled to seek growth in other ways. They all knew their work like a piano player knows the keys. But consulting is far from free money. They say they're going to get eliminated. What does it mean, exactly? If investors were perfect judges, the two would require exactly the same skills. And to be both good and novel, an idea probably has to seem bad to most people, or someone writes a particularly interesting article, it will show up there. The mere existence of prep schools is proof of that.17 So far the complete list of messages I've picked up from cities is: wealth, style, hipness, physical attractiveness wouldn't have been a total immersion. Don't just do what they tell you to do. But advancing technology has made web startups so cheap that you really can get a portrait of the normal distribution of most applicant pools, it matters least to judge accurately in precisely the cases where judgement has the most effect—you won't take rejection so personally. If raising money is hard.

There is no sharp line between the two types of startup ideas: those that grow organically out of your own life, and those that you decide, from afar, are going to get rarer. While some VCs have technical backgrounds, I don't know enough to say, but it happens surprisingly rarely.18 Most subjects are taught in such a boring way that it's only by discipline that you can never safely treat fundraising as more than a startup that seems like it's going to stop.19 It sounds obvious to say that you should worry? One reason startups prefer series A rounds? When I was in high school either. If you feel you've been misjudged, you can do. Google. Of course, someone has to take money from people who are young but smart and driven can make more by starting their own companies after college instead of getting jobs, that will change what happens in college.

Notes

Though they are themselves typical users. But it takes to get good grades in them to private schools that in three months, a valuation. Giving away the razor and making more per customer makes it easier to get them to stay in a time machine.

Apple's early history are from an angel investment from a mediocre VC.

In the beginning.

Plus ca change. But on the other.

And that is exactly the point of a stock is its future earnings, you now get to go behind the scenes role in IPOs, which allowed banks and savings and loans to buy it despite having no evidence it's for sale.

However, it will seem dumb in 100 years. Digg is Slashdot with voting instead of blacklist.

Sofbot.

I write out loud can expose awkward parts.

I've become a so-called signalling risk.

Hint: the way they have because they couldn't afford a monitor.

And it's particularly damaging when these investors flake, because there was a new search engine is low. They have no connections, you'll find that with a wink, to take care of one's markets is ultimately just another way in which income is doled out by Mitch Kapor, is to raise money after Demo Day, there would be easy to discount, but I'm not against editing. As one very successful YC founder told me they like the one hand and the exercise of stock options than any preceding president, he tried to shift back. At three months we can't believe anyone would think twice before crossing him.

Progressive tax rates has a significant startup hub. He, like speculators, that alone could in principle 100,000 sestertii apiece for slaves learned in the early adopters you evolve the idea is crack. As we walked in, we love big juicy lumbar disc herniation as juicy except literally.

It's sometimes argued that we didn't, they thought at least accepted additions to the modern idea were proposed by Timothy Hart in 1964, two years, it was cooked up by the National Center for Education Statistics, about 28%. I've come to accept that investors don't like the bizarre consequences of this essay talks about programmers, but I know of no Jews moving there, and should in some ways First Round excluded their most successful startups are competitive like running, not the original text would in itself deserving. This is not whether it's good enough at obscuring tokens for this type are also several you can't even claim, like play in a city with few other startups, because time seems to pass. Please do not try to avoid that.

This kind of people starting normal companies too. If Ron Conway had been raised religious and then using growth rate to manufacture a perfect growth curve, etc, and then a block or so.

But it is to trick admissions officers. I meant. The mere possibility of being harsh to founders. As he is at fault, since 95% of the class of 2007 came from such schools.

I started doing research for this purpose are still, as they are now. There was no more unlikely than it would be easier to say that it is dishonest of the next round, that suits took over during a critical point in the usual standards for truth. Wittgenstein: The French Laundry in Napa Valley.

It wouldn't cut their overall returns tenfold, because they wanted, so the best ideas, they mean statistical distribution. The original Internet forums were not web sites but Usenet newsgroups.

A doctor friend warns that even this can give an inaccurate picture. At some point, when the problems you have no idea what's happening till they also influence one another directly through the window for years while they think they're just mentioning the possibility is that in Silicon Valley. I find hardest to get rich by creating wealth—wealth that, isn't it? Look at those goddamn fleas, they have less money, the big winners aren't all that matters, just as if you'd invested at a famous university who is highly regarded by his peers.

Compromising a server could cause such damage that ASPs that want to pound that message home. He, like arithmetic drills, instead of blacklist.

Thanks to Tim O'Reilly, Peter Norvig, and the guys at O'Reilly for inviting me to speak.

[advernia]

the world in her heart, her heart in his hands

assorted sidenotes for the fic i made in response to an anon-sent aesthetic prompt! oooh boy, i sure took long on this one lmao...... _(:3 」∠)_

prompt #7: steady notes coming from a guitar nearby, fireflies dancing around the clearing, two sleeping bags close together, and a bright full moon briefly covered by a cloud.

so the core idea i had when i saw that prompt got requested was based on jonah’s say i do! route: he says that one day, he wanted to go to the land of reason + see the place alice was born and raised. tbh idk how the prompt even led me to that, but the imagery vibes i got from the prompt hinted of something like freedom. or something like lovers secretly meeting in the woods, which i sort of went by.

OKAY SO I SWEAR I FINISHED WRITING THE PROMPT (day zero!!!) EARLY (by my standards) LMAO.............. like, maybe a week after i got the ask or so? but then when i went about proofreading it i felt that it was... lacking??? i can’t explain it myself, but i didn’t wanna post it yet until i got that feeling cleared out - i tried revising + adding, but it didn’t help so i just started thinking about expanding the fic instead...

thinking about the scenes really took longer than i thought?!?!?! i wanted this request up early but i was stumped on what kind of scenes i wanted to see + how their lengths were gonna be.... plus i was thinking if i should go solely on narration + description........ or maybe more of dialogue...... then i jumped to holy shit what’s my timeline gonna be what cultural whatnot am i gonna emphasize and i think i fussed over those aspects rather than picturing the actual scenes LMAOOO.......................

great disclaimer: i have NEVER stepped into the uk..... or england + london for that matter ahahaha GET REKT tho i want to someday huehuehue....... i heavily relied my research on maps + history websites + train timetables to help me get through the touring parts so do forgive me if i messed up somewhere + butchered history haha..... i was thinking to make things vague, but since i’m always in for emphasizing the differences between cradle + land of reason, i decided to get a little technical with it......

i have to admit that i wrote most of the fic during breaks in work hELLA RAD........... i’m doing my job properly, i swear........ it’s just that when i already have a stable idea of what i want to happen, the scene becomes clearer in my mind. i wanted so! badly! to add scenes of jonah pronouncing words and looking at various things funny!!! jonah and his attempts to communicate with londoners!!! fussy jonah poking around a boutique, him being fascinated + studying displays of gun shops, or him accidentally offending the royal guard + constables LMAOOOOO but i couldn’t seem to write anything satisfactory involving those ideas........... ಥ_ಥ

back to the issue of timeline, i was picturing the london in this fic to be around the 1860s or smth.... but then i remembered that in edgar’s dramatic end letter, he mentions his fascination with electricity aka lightbulbs......... which were, like...... discovered early 1800s but only became common in 1882 ahahaha....... when i realized this i was already writing day 18 oOOPS so i just decided to go on and wing it I’M SORRY _(:3 」∠)_

on timeframe, i know that it’s very highly unlikely that jonah would take a vacation for two months. i bet the mere concept of a one-month vacation is enough to give him a heart attack LMAOOOO but let’s just say that red army told him to take his time in the land of reason, especially when they learn that jonah plans to formally meet alice’s parents. when he hears about this, lancelot tosses in the suggestion of proposing to alice while they’re in the land of reason, so that jonah can tell her parents about that too. jonah thinks it’s a fantastic idea..... so he decides to accept hot damn, a two month vacation!

whole route & lengths of stay (points streaked with red are mentioned within the fic minus nottingham whoops sorry):

london [16 days bc IT’S A BIG CITY LMAO (day 30 - 14). rides a morning train going to bristol on the 14th, arrives there midday.]

bristol [5 days (day 14 - 9). leaves bristol on the morning of the 9th to walk all the way to glastonbury, arrives there come late afternoon / evening.]

glastonbury [4 days (day 9 - 5). leaves midday of the 5th to walk their way to alice’s village, arrives there around sunset.]

alice’s village / ‘actual wonderland’ lmao [5 days (day 5 - 0). located somewhere in between bridgwater, taunton, and glastonbury. month 1 of vacation has ended.]

day log commentary!

thirty. arrival in the land of reason through falling - routes where alice does go back don’t feature her falling down london’s sky, so maybe she’s just... spit out from the hole????? idk haha so i altered it anyway!!!!! the landing scene was initially like this: jonah lands first, he catches alice in his arms, they banter a bit....... and then they suddenly remember the suitcase only for said object to fall right on jonah’s head LMAOOO....... it’s a cradle magical object that looks like a regular suitcase but will always be as light as a feather despite it’s contents + it has GREAT CAPACITY so jonah is actually okay!!!!!! i decided to scrap that scene concept though haha!

twenty-nine. does the hole to the land of reason only open around midnight or smth???? i’m sure it doesn’t, but i went with jonah + alice leaving cradle minutes before twelve o’clock, so when they arrive in london jonah gets to see the big ben signal midnight. is that planned on alice’s part? maybe. on another note, i’m assuming that a high-ranking officer + noble like jonah is definitely used to traveling to other countries so he’s definitely not one for homesickness, but i like the thought of him always feeling all sorts of uncomfortable on his first nights away from home - he doesn’t make a big deal about it bc he gets better three days in or so. idk, it just seems fitting for someone very particular like him.

twenty-seven. if luka’s hair is fucking dyed, my god (no wonder i found those light ends of his hair sorta funny), then here’s jonah excuse to adapt another hair color with the help of magic crystals LMAO - i always stick with a reality ensues standpoint, so his ikeman looks aside, i’m sure londoners would find jonah’s hair color (heck, maybe even his eye color) very unique. alice can’t deal with all that sudden attention lol but she somewhat proud that the man who has effortlessly captured the attention of the people of her world too is the man she proudly calls her lover ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

twenty-three. now that i think of it, what exactly does cradle mean when they say the land of reason? are they simply referring to the city of london, or earth as a whole??? most likely the latter, but i’m pretty sure no one except blanc (and possibly ray bc that globe in his room lol) know exactly how large the land of reason is. anyway, not gonna lie, i wanted jonah + alice talking about novels by maybe the likes of charles dickens, thomas hardy, george eliot or h.g. wells. heck, maybe jane austen and charlotte bronte too!!!! but i had to scrap that bc gaps in understanding cultural & historical references + use of language, figurative and non-figurative.... it’s a shame about the last two though - i’m sure jonah can somehow probably relate to the society depicted in their books since the red territory sounds like your typical breeding place of victorian era nobles lmao!!!!

eighteen. sometimes when people learn / gain a deeper understanding about new things, they have the urge to brag about said knowledge to others - of course jonah wants to show alice what he knows about her world so far haha! calling a train a mechanical beast tho lmao..... he refers to it that way, but i think it’s his target of fascination in london!!! noise and possibly environmental issues aside, it’s very convenient + efficient and can cater to all, but what he finds most impressive that it’s a man-made locomotive!!! that’s something worth incredible praise!!! ( ᐛ )و

fourteen. actual train ride!!! hmmm.... i think jonah only panics maybe a good thirty minutes in when the train starts moving??? alice tries to calm him down by pointing at the passing scenery out the window + idle chatter until jonah finally relaxes himself.... but then he starts to panic slightly again when alice suggests that they look around the train and he’s like: is that even remotely safe??? what about our baggages, can we leave them unattended??? hey, i saw you snicker - how dare you laugh at me!!!

nine. according to google, an estimate of a walk starting from bristol going to glastonbury is 8h 25min. that’s for the present time though - would’ve it been shorter or longer in the past??? idk, but definitely one’s pace during the walk affects the total time, lol. since railroads only started out around 1830s + i made alice a village girl, walking really is her way to go. pedestrianism was still a thing around the 19th century!!! her stamina in other routes tho lol (ﾟ⊿ﾟ)

six. here’s my self-indulgent thing of wanting to add a dance scene, pt. 1 LMAOOOO -   the steps in the scene aren’t really from a certain folk dance in england, much less from glastonbury itself... i did look up on england folk dances, but i couldn’t pick one that i wanted to incorporate into the scene so i went with describing some random steps on the top of my head _(:3 」∠)_ ..... maybe someday, i’ll write a proper one..... on another note though, i suppose jonah can adapt quickly to folk dances, but he may come off a bit stiff at first in line / column dances where there’s the switch of partners??? i mean, there are formal 19th century dances that have that same concept, but.... the finesse + personal boundaries are all there lmao -  he’s not against the casual intimacy + show of obvious joy in folk + common dances though, it’s just more of that he’s not used to the informality of it all, i think.

five. plot twist: alice does lead jonah to her home, the cottage on a hill like she always described, but what he doesn’t expect is when she solemnly says that she’d introduce him to her parents she leads him to the back of the hill and in the foot of the hill he finds himself staring at her parents’ gravestones as she’s smiling sadly with a bouquet of flowers in her hand OH WAIT WRONG GENRE WASN’T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FLUFF LMAO - kidding aside, i do hope cybird catches onto the idea of a story event of chosen suitor going to the land of reason with alice to meet her parents or smth!!! they did do a travel event in the jp ver, after all.... but i’m not keeping my hopes up haha....... _(:3 」∠)_

zero. self-indulgent thing of wanting to add a dance scene, pt. 2 - tho it’s in the latter part along with the prompt lmao!!! hmmm, i’m pretty satisfied with how this one turned out tho i had a little problem arranging the first half - the rest i relatively left untouched even after i added the rest of the days to the fic. hopefully, does well as a nice end to the fic itself..... tbh, the thought of summer dress alice + casual shirt & pants jonah both barefoot & running around like children in moonlit woods (don’t do this in real life folks) made me smile a lot. give me more soft-and-not-so-tooth-rotting-fluff scenes, cybird

also!!! since the prompt involved a guitar, i had a certain track on repeat lmao - you can listen to it here, and it’s the second to the last track titled umibe ni yurete (swaying in the beach)! (ノ^∇^)

and that’s all that i’ve got today!!! thank you very much for reading + hope you’re staying safe & well wherever you are!!!!（｡≧◇≦）ﾉ

[survivingmystudies]

Okay, stressed rant time.

So, I’m supposed to be writing my thesis at the time, but my supervisor is so shitty. He always replies super late like a month ago I had to hand in a research proposal to properly enroll for the course and he replied two days before the deadline:

“Please communicate with my phd student from now on”

And like fuck that, but okay, that guy at least replied within an hour or smth. So I wrote my research proposal (it luckily didn’t have to be good or smth) and handed it in. I didn’t have time to send it to my supervisor, so I just assumed it would be okay and I was too insecure about what I should discuss with who.

Fast forward 3 weeks, I’ve been struggling on working, because I have no clue what I’m doing and I don’t know who to ask, and instead of just trying I’m too anxious and do not ask anyone. I get an email from my supervisor like: “How are you doing actually?” And I email back: “Not so great and btw this is the research proposal I made without your help.” (But less pathetic) While waiting for his reply, I got an email from another student whose supervisor he apparently is, through our second assessor (who is coincidentally also the same) complaining about that our supervisor is a shitty communcator and that he’s also supposed to be working with a phd student.

So at least now I know my communication problems are not all my fault and I have someone to complain to. (Also this email was so wild to receive.)

I finally get a reply from my supervisor 3 days later, and it’s just so confusing, but I think he’s trying to tell me that I (actually the phd student) interpreted the research problem wrong. And now I’m like????? What should I do???? Who should I email???? You should’ve just helped me yourself with that stupid research proposal!!!! Now I certainly don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing!!!

And I’m just so lost now, and I don’t know what to do :(

Also I’m thinking of joining the thesis support group to get a group of people that can hold me accountable for doing stuff, but also this is not all my fault?? And I do not know if I’m the target audience (?) for that, because I have an average of 8.7/10 which is very high in NL, and I’m like an examplary student, but I am also very anxious and also this shit is gonna cost me my cum laude certificate.

And I do not even want to continue with maths but I want to finish this stupid thing in time and it’s just urghhhhhh.

I also feel like I’m complaining so much to my friends and none of them is complaining about their thesis (though I only have two friends who are writing their thesis right now) so I do not really wanna talk about all of this with them, so I’m just throwing this out here and procrastinate some more.

[kkintle]

Misbehaving: The Making of Behavioural Economics by Richard H. Thaler; Quotes

One day on a phone call I asked him how he was feeling. He said, “You know, it’s funny. When you have the flu you feel like you are going to die, but when you are dying, most of the time you feel just fine.”

Let a six-year-old girl with brown hair need thousands of dollars for an operation that will prolong her life until Christmas, and the post office will be swamped with nickels and dimes to save her. But let it be reported that without sales tax the hospital facilities of Massachusetts will deteriorate and cause a barely perceptible increase in preventable deaths—not many will drop a tear or reach for their checkbooks.

“willingness to pay” or “willingness to accept.”

Opportunity costs are vague and abstract when compared to handing over actual cash.

The Weber-Fechner Law holds that the just-noticeable difference in any variable is proportional to the magnitude of that variable. If I gain one ounce, I don’t notice it, but if I am buying fresh herbs, the difference between 2 ounces and 3 ounces is obvious. Psychologists refer to a just noticeable difference as a JND.

So, we experience life in terms of changes, we feel diminishing sensitivity to both gains and losses, and losses sting more than equivalently-sized gains feel good.

Big ideas are fine, but I needed to publish papers to stay employed. Looking back, I had what science writer Steven Johnson calls a “slow hunch.” A slow hunch is not one of those “aha” insights when everything becomes clear. Instead, it is more of a vague impression that there is something interesting going on, and an intuition that there could be something important lurking not far away. The problem with a slow hunch is you have no way to know whether it will lead to a dead end. I felt like I had arrived on the shores of a new world with no map, no idea where I should be looking, and no idea whether I would find anything of value.

Economists don’t care whether you like a firm mattress better than a soft one or vice versa, but they cannot tolerate you saying that you like a firm mattress better than a soft one and a soft one better than a firm one.

Psychologists tell us that in order to learn from experience, two ingredients are necessary: frequent practice and immediate feedback.

Many people have made money selling magic potions and Ponzi schemes, but few have gotten rich selling the advice, “Don’t buy that stuff.”

acquisition utility and transaction utility.

Expressions such as “don’t cry over spilt milk” and “let bygones be bygones” are another way of putting economists’ advice to ignore sunk costs.

Many mentioned the advice, often attributed to William Faulkner, but apparently said by many, that writers have to learn to “kill their darlings.” The advice has been given so often, I suspect, because it is hard for any writer to do.

The bigger lesson is that once you understand a behavioral problem, you can sometimes invent a behavioral solution to it. Mental accounting is not always a fool’s game.

A good rule to remember is that people who are threatened with big losses and have a chance to break even will be unusually willing to take risks, even if they are normally quite risk averse.

Although it is never stated explicitly as an assumption in an economics textbook, in practice economic theory presumes that self-control problems do not exist.

Some early economists viewed any discounting of future consumption as a mistake—a failure of some type. It could be a failure of willpower, or, as Arthur Pigou famously wrote in 1921, it could be a failure of imagination: “Our telescopic faculty is defective and . . . we, therefore, see future pleasures, as it were, on a diminished scale.”

The economics training the students receive provides enormous insights into the behavior of Econs, but at the expense of losing common-sense intuition about human nature and social interactions. Graduates no longer realize that they live in a world populated by Humans.

I once gave a talk about self-control to a group of economists at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem. At one point I used the word “temptation,” and one of the audience members asked me to define it. Someone else in the audience jumped in to say, “It’s in the Bible.” But it was not in the economists’ dictionary.

Ainslie’s paper also provides a long discussion of various strategies for dealing with self-control problems. One course of action is commitment: removing the cashews or tying yourself to the mast. Another is to raise the cost of submitting to temptation. For example, if you want to quit smoking, you could write a large check to someone you see often with permission to cash the check if you are seen smoking. Or you can make that bet with yourself, what Ainslie calls a “private side bet.” You could say to yourself, “I won’t watch the game on television tonight until I finish [some task you are tempted to postpone].”

We all have occasions on which we change our minds, but usually we do not go to extraordinary steps to prevent ourselves from deviating from the original plan. The only circumstances in which you would want to commit yourself to your planned course of action is when you have good reason to believe that if you change your preferences later, this change of preferences will be a mistake.

At some point in pondering these questions, I came across a quote from social scientist Donald McIntosh that profoundly influenced my thinking: “The idea of self-control is paradoxical unless it is assumed that the psyche contains more than one energy system, and that these energy systems have some degree of independence from each other.” The passage is from an obscure book, The Foundations of Human Society. I do not know how I came by the quote, but it seemed to me to be obviously true. Self-control is, centrally, about conflict. And, like tango, it takes (at least) two to have a conflict.

One principle that emerged from our research is that perceptions of fairness are related to the endowment effect.

“If you gouge them at Christmas they won’t come back in March.” That remains good advice for any business that is interested in building a loyal clientele.

Although it is true that in the Ultimatum Game the most common offer is often 50%, one cannot conclude that Proposers are trying to be fair. Instead, they may be quite rationally worried about being rejected.

Further research by Ernst Fehr and his colleagues has shown that, consistent with Andreoni’s finding, a large proportion of people can be categorized as conditional cooperators, meaning that they are willing to cooperate if enough others do. People start out these games willing to give their fellow players the benefit of the doubt, but if cooperation rates are low, these conditional cooperators turn into free riders. However, cooperation can be maintained even in repeated games if players are given the opportunity to punish those who do not cooperate. As illustrated by the Punishment Game, described earlier, people are willing to spend some of their own money to teach a lesson to those who behave unfairly, and this willingness to punish disciplines potential free riders and keeps robust cooperation rates stable.

Not everyone will free ride all the time, but some people are ready to pick your pocket if you are not careful.

Shefrin and Statman’s answer relied on a combination of self-control and mental accounting. The notion was that some shareholders—retirees, for instance—like the idea of getting inflows that are mentally categorized as “income” so that they don’t feel bad spending that money to live on. In a rational world, this makes no sense. A retired Econ could buy shares in companies that do not pay dividends, sell off a portion of his stock holdings periodically, and live off of those proceeds while paying less in taxes.

“Discovery commences with the awareness of anomaly, i.e., with the recognition that nature has somehow violated the paradigm-induced expectations that govern normal science.” —Thomas Kuhn

the Journal of Economic Perspectives is available free online to anyone at www.aeaweb.org/jep, including all the back issues. It is a great place to learn about economics. 

If the outside view is fleshed out carefully and informed with appropriate baseline data, it will be far more reliable than the inside view. The problem is that the inside view is so natural and accessible that it can influence the judgments even of people who understand the concept—indeed, even of the person who coined the term.

Flip a coin, heads you win $200, tails you lose $100. As Samuelson had anticipated, Brown declined this bet, saying: “I won’t bet because I would feel the $100 loss more than the $200 gain.” In other words, Brown was saying: “I am loss averse.” But then Brown said something that surprised Samuelson. He said that he did not like one bet, but would be happy to take 100 such bets.

“If it does not pay to do an act once, it will not pay to do it twice, thrice, . . . or at all.”

“myopic loss aversion.” The only way you can ever take 100 attractive bets is by first taking the first one, and it is only thinking about the bet in isolation that fools you into turning it down.

One reason is that it is risky to be a contrarian. “Worldly wisdom teaches that is it is better for reputation to fail conventionally than to succeed unconventionally.”

Remember another of Keynes’s famous lines. “In the long run, we are all dead.”

In a rational world there would not be very much trading—in fact, hardly any. Economists sometimes call this the Groucho Marx theorem. Groucho famously said that he would never want to belong to any club that would have him as a member. The economist’s version of this joke—predictably, not as funny—is that no rational agent will want to buy a stock that some other rational agent is willing to sell. Imagine two financial analysts, Tom and Jerry, are playing a round of golf. Tom mentions that he is thinking of buying 100 shares of Apple. Jerry says, that’s convenient, I was thinking of selling 100 shares. I could sell my shares to you and avoid the commission to my broker. Before they can agree on a deal, both think better of it. Tom realizes that Jerry is a smart guy, so asks himself, why is he selling? Jerry is thinking the same about Tom, so they call off the trade. Similarly, if everyone believed that every stock was correctly priced already—and always would be correctly priced—there would not be very much point in trading, at least not with the intent of beating the market. No one takes the extreme version of this “no trade theorem” literally, but most financial economists agree, at least when pressed, that trading volume is surprisingly high. There is room for differences of opinion on price in a rational model, but it is hard to explain why shares would turn over at a rate of about 5% per month in a world of Econs. However, if you assume that some investors are overconfident, high trading volume emerges naturally.

The key lesson is that prices can get out of whack, and smart money cannot always set things right.

“the three bounds”: bounded rationality, bounded willpower, and bounded self-interest.

When people are given what they consider to be unfair offers, they can get angry enough to punish the other party, even at some cost to themselves.

The winner’s curse. When many bidders compete for the same object, the winner of the auction is often the bidder who most overvalues the object being sold. The same will be true for players, especially the highly touted players picked early in the first round. The winner’s curse says that those players will be good, but not as good as the teams picking them think.

The false consensus effect. Put basically, people tend to think that other people share their preferences.

A competitive labor market does do a pretty good job of channeling people into jobs that suit them. But ironically, this logic may become less compelling as we move up the managerial ladder. All economists are at least pretty good at economics, but many who are chosen to be department chair fail miserably at that job. This is the famous Peter Principle: people keep getting promoted until they reach their level of incompetence.

“I am not the sort of person who would steal, and I hope you are not one of those evil types either.” This is an example of what game theorists call “cheap talk.” In the absence of a penalty for lying, everyone promises to be nice. However, there turns out to be one reliable signal in all this noise. If someone makes an explicit promise to split, she is 30 percentage points more likely to do so. (An example of such a statement: “I promise you I am going to split it, 120%.”) This reflects a general tendency. People are more willing to lie by omission than commission.

(...) he said he was planning to steal right up until the last minute. The hosts reminded him that he had given an impassioned speech about his father telling him that a man is only as good as his word. “What about that?” the hosts asked, somewhat aghast at this revelation. “Oh, that,” Ibrahim said. “Actually, I never met my father. I just thought it would be an effective story.” People are interesting.

Someone turning sixty who finds herself flush with surplus savings has numerous remedies, from taking an early retirement, to going on lavish vacations, to spoiling the grandchildren. But someone who learns at sixty that she has not saved enough has very little time to make up lost ground, and may find that retirement must be postponed indefinitely.

When dealing with Humans, words matter.

standard recommendation from the Cialdini bible: if you want people to comply with some norm or rule, it is a good strategy to inform them (if true) that most other people comply.

Ethical nudges must be both transparent and true.

If you want to encourage someone to do something, make it easy.

“big peanuts” fallacy

Those looking for behavioral interventions that have a high probability of working should seek out other environments in which a one-time action can accomplish the job. If no one-time solution yet exists, invent one!

As Gene Fama often says when he is asked about our competing views: we agree about the facts, we just disagree about the interpretation.

Mark Twain once said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

[morganeuk]

The Doctor & the Librarian. (Sherlock AU)

Part 3: The British Government interferes

(Read Part 1: Kissing is not required on Tumblr)

(Read Part 2: Brainy is the new sexy on Tumblr)

Summary: Sherlock, academic librarian at Oxford, talked with an interesting doctor from London on the library help line... He don't know what to do next and founds it difficult to understand his feelings when his brother decides to visit him. But, thanks God, Lestrade gives him the occasion to escape the discussion!

It was early in the morning and Sherlock hadn't slept at all since he came back from the university. Usually, his thoughts are focused on a particularly hard research question or the creation of a complex database schema needed at work.  His job at Oxford, assisting creative and gifted researchers and professors, most of the time was rewarding, and it was easy to get immersed in an overload of projects. To banish the constant boredom, to avoid reaching for drugs as an easy answer

But as of last night, no need for external stimulation! His mind was focused on one thing only: Doctor John Watson.  When the doctor contacted the helpline three days ago, it was like if someone had thrown him a life jacket. Like he was finally able to fully absorb the oxygen around him! And it wasn't planned at all, a mere coincidence... Even if he does not like to work in the library, with regular ordinary people, he must do it when nobody else is available. Usually, his non-verbal attitude is clear enough that nobody asks questions, except the few giggling girls or cocky boys who ask if he wants to go for a beer after his shift, and he can work on his project. 

That night, to avoid a discussion with an insistent suitor that clearly not understand the meaning of 'bugger off', he uses the excuse of a call on the helpline. It was that or killing the stupid man in front of him! 'You're one hot librarian, I would like to check you out!' Come on! And what's with all the winking? Does he need an ophthalmologist? He's not supposed to reply to the helpline requests, the head librarian has received too many complaints about him, but it was an emergency!  

And his world has suddenly shifted because of one of Bart's finest: Dr John Watson.

Sherlock found his name less than five minutes after their first exchange. It was easy, a doctor, probably between thirty and forty-five, John, working in an ICU in London... but then at the end of the conversation he gives his real phone number! A phone number is as good as a social security number when you know where to look... Once his identity is clarified, more information appears. Ex-military, Afghanistan, unattached, a blog full of... emptiness. Probably an idea of his therapist. His life turning solely around his work. What's so special about him? That was the question that kept Sherlock awake all night. 

What's so special about him?

The log of the first and second conversations they had was printed in front of him.  He had to delete them from the system as it was too... personal. He read over the few times, adding them to his Mind Palace in a brand new room simply named: John. The will to help a patient that wasn't even his, the quirkiness of the discussion, the genuine amazement when he deduces him. He said that it was fantastic... Nobody has ever said things like that to me... His openness, the suggestion that they meet in London someday!

Sherlock was realistic and knew that the invitation was only made because of the excitement of discovering the disease he was looking for. He looks objectively at the transcript of the first conversation and nothing that he said could be considered the basis of romantic interest from the doctor. But... he came back! After 2 days of trying to forget the beautiful man, he finds pictures!, Sherlock begs for a night shift in the reading room. A few ridiculous questions later, including if it's best to sleep with her legs up while trying to conceive a baby; HIS doctor was there. To talk with him. Only to talk with HIM! He seems to understand the appeal of his job, was thankful for his help in solving his problem and was openly flirting. Openly, confidently, effectively flirting. Sherlock was lost for words and after he closes the chat window couldn't resist and... texts him his name.

His name, unique as it was, it was certain that John would be able to find him on the Internet (He knows he's the only Sherlock in the UK!). What should I do now? Should I contact him or let him take the first step? Maybe he won't like what he finds on the web? His brother regularly cleans his records to avoid any unsavoury surprises but a few of his articles are available in open access journals, his blogs about data mining and the science of deduction are accessible to all, but due to his brother's line of work, no pictures of him have ever stayed on the Internet more than a few hours.

Maybe I should send him a picture of me? Is this 'online dating'? How does it work? Oh God, this is killing me! It's Saturday, I don't go to work on Saturday... But I can't dream about this doctor all days! It's driving me mad! His phone rings on the coffee table and he jumps quickly to get it. If lucky, it's Lestrade with a murder investigation! Blah... It's only Mycroft. Ending the call, he opens the text app instead.

What do you want? -SH

You know I prefer to talk -MY

Yes -SH

So you're doing it on purpose only to annoy me. It's childish -MY

Sue me. What do you want? I don't have all day! -SH

As Sherlock was going in the kitchen to put the kettle on, someone knocks at the door.  For God sakes... "Go. Away!!"

The door opens and an impeccable Mycroft walks inside the small flat. "Good morning Brother mine." The imperious glare of the Government official surveys the room.  The few computers, print out of codes and parameters. Newspapers and journals everywhere. A pile of Lestrade's now resolved cold cases... "I can deliver those to NSY if you want, on my way back." The older Holmes proposes.

Sherlock, English to a fault, put a second teacup for his brother on the countertop. "What do you want, Mycroft? You're not in Oxford,  on a Saturday morning, for nothing."

"I'm only here because I care for you... and Mummy asked me to check on you." He shakes his head, thinking about their overprotective mother. "She's worried about you, constantly. Being all alone here." And so am I...

"You can tell her that I'm doing great. I haven't put anything 'recreational' in my body for nearly two years!" He drinks his tea with a stern look. "So you can leave now." He points his long fingers in the direction of the door.

"It's not the only thing I want to talk to you about..." Why is this always so complicated? "I know that you seem to love your job as a librarian, and though we were thrilled when you decided to finally do something with your chemistry degree and go on with a Masters in IS, I would like you to consider a position with me, in London." Sherlock was still listening, even if he did not acknowledge his brother's words. "Or if you don't want to work with me, I can arrange for you to become a full-time consultant with NSY." Still not a word from Sherlock... How can he waste his talents like this! It's not that what he is doing is unimportant, but someone else can do it.  Less effectively perhaps, but with similar results! "Sherlock! Say something!"

"Are you finished?" He rises from the chair he was sitting. "First of all, I don't seem to love my job, I really do love it. Second, I went back to complete my university for myself and not to 'thrill' anyone else.  Third,  I would never ever work under your orders. And lastly, I don't need you to coerce the NSY as Lestrade asks me regularly to come to work with him on cases more than I used to." He turns his back on his brother and simply states. "Now, leave."

Getting up and playing suavely with his umbrella, Mycroft can't restrain himself and replies softly, as an afterthought, "But in London, you may find interesting things... people..." He looks at his phone to confirm the name of the man. "A Doctor John Watson, for example."  He knows it is a cheap shot, but sometimes it's the only things that work! Something big is brewing and he needs his brother in London, whatever the cost.

"What are you talking about, brother mine?" Sherlock's voice was now cold as ice. "I know that you are checking on me nearly 24/7 but I don't understand how you could considerate that man, unknown to me, as  leverage to get me back in London."

"You're far too easy to read, Sherlock, sentiment... Always sentiment... You wrote to him about why you like your job, you falsely admit having ADHD instead of turning him off by announcing with a flourish that you're a high functioning sociopath." Mycroft's eyes locked on Sherlock's. "You voluntarily  went to work in the reading room, which you hate, in the hope he would contact you again." Knowing he was getting the upper hand of his younger brother, he concludes, "And you gave him your name and your phone number.  Tell me brother, how many phone numbers do you have in your directory? Besides our parents', Lestrade's and mine?"

Sherlock was looking at his brother with disgust. How can a man have any hope of getting a love life if the British Government interferes! His phone chimes, a text from Lestrade.

Are you available? I need help with something... - GL

The fake suicides? - SH

Yes... got another one. -GL

Giving his brother an unreadable smile, Sherlock gives him a cup of tea. "Wait for me while I'm getting dressed, I need a lift."

"I'm always happy to use my chauffeur as your cab driver... Where do you need to go?"

From the bathroom, Sherlock responses loudly, "London!"

With a satisfactory smirk, Mycroft Holmes considers once more how irreplaceable DI Gregory Lestrade is.

Read the rest of the story here! http://archiveofourown.org/series/770607

[cindylouwho-2]

RECENT NEWS & STUDIES - APRIL 2019

Welcome to CindyLouWho2′s periodic roundup of news, tutorials and studies from the world of ecommerce, content marketing & social media. This is my first time posting this news here on my new Tumblr account, so please let me know how the format is working out; I want to make it as readable as possible. I am working on making the links a little more obvious; I may have to change templates to do that. 

Sorry it is so long this time. I am working on getting it back down to a post once every 10 days at most, but it might take me til May to get back on track. 

TOP NEWS & ARTICLES

Google core algorithm update started March 12; early winners & losers here and here, among other info about the update.

Also, Google accidentally de-indexed some pages last week, & they are still working on fixing it.

Etsy phone support finally available to everyone (if you speak English, of course).

Amazon no longer requires Marketplace sellers to keep their prices elsewhere the same or higher as on Amazon.

Worldpay, one of Etsy’s payment providers, sold to FIS for $35 billion.  (Etsy also uses Ayden for some of their payment processing.)  

TOP ETSY NEWS

Last week, Etsy sent emails to non-US sellers, telling them that their refunds for the overcharging that has been going on since October 2018 will be issued by the end of the day, June 30th (or earlier). It doesn’t mention when they will stop overcharging, though. 

Etsy held Investor Day on March . You can view the slides that went along with the presentations, and there is a short summary of the search info discussed here. CEO Josh Silverman then did an interview with CNBC (video only), which is summarized here. 

There was an Etsy podcast on search questions (links to recording, and transcription), but it didn’t have any new info. 

They’ve also released their spring & summer trends report, with a podcast & transcript, as well as a lengthy pdf file with keyword data (I will be summarizing that separately). 

SEO: GOOGLE & OTHER SEARCH ENGINES

Rand Fishkin (founder of Moz) is doing a series of 10-minute Whiteboard Friday presentations on learning SEO basics, with both video & transcripts included in the links.  Remember, some of these things do not apply to Etsy shops, but can apply to your website, depending on the coding.

Part 1, SEO strategy;  It assumes some knowledge of marketing terms, but the SEO part is definitely intro-level

Part 2, keyword research.  Long tail: “20% of all searches that Google receives each day they have never seen before.”

Part 3: satisfy searcher needs. 

Part 4:  optimizing through keywords & other elements.

And Moz’s Beginners Guide to SEO is finally fully updated. (Some parts are more technical, so stick to the on-page stuff if you are really new to this.) 

Chrome now offering the ability to select privacy-focused search engine DuckDuckGo as your browser default. This should increase DDG’s slice of traffic if Google continues this.

Google released its Webspam report for 2018. 

Hmm, wonder why I would come across SEO tips for Tumblr this edition?  🤔

CONTENT MARKETING & SOCIAL MEDIA 

(includes blogging & emails)

19 call-to-action phrases you should be using on social media (infographic)

10 tips for more clicks on your social media posts

US social media expansion has plateaued, but podcasts’ popularity continues to grow. 23% of US homes have a “smart speaker” (Alexa etc.); 56% have a tablet. Smartphone ownership has also levelled off. 

Related - most Americans dislike/do not trust social media.

3 tips for great social media content (infographic), & 4 more tips for writing social media posts.

Email marketing stats that show its impact. If you don’t already have an email list, it is time to start one. After all these years, it still works!

Instagram beta-testing checkout within the app; US brands only for the moment.

Facebook was storing your passwords in plain text & many employees had access.  “My Facebook insider said access logs showed some 2,000 engineers or developers made approximately nine million internal queries for data elements that contained plain text user passwords.”

Did you know you can remove your last name from your public Facebook profile? (Plus 12 other Facebook facts & tricks)

Create great pins on Pinterest.

Pinterest files for IPO; admits that Google changes last year hurt it. 

Backgrounder on short video sharing site TikTok.

Twitter Analytics has an events page that tips you off to annual events you may want to tweet about/around, under the Events tab in your Analytics.

ONLINE ADVERTISING (SEARCH ENGINES, SOCIAL MEDIA, & OTHERS)

Beginners’ guide to cost per click (CPC) ads - includes Google, Facebook, & Instagram.

Facebook & Instagram ad costs have rocketed since the site-wide outages on March 13.

Facebook’s advice on optimizing your Facebook ads.

Google fined by EU for blocking other ads. 

STATS, DATA, OTHER TRACKING

Ecommerce reports in Google Analytics (for websites, not Etsy shops). 

5 Instagram analytics tips.

ECOMMERCE NEWS, IDEAS, TRENDS

Microsoft considers competing with Shopify.

eBay states it uses artificial intelligence (AI) pretty much everywhere on its site, as do most big sites.

eBay adds Google Pay as a payment option.

Half of US households will belong to Amazon Prime this year.  “Amazon Household, a program that allows different members of a single household, including teens, to have their own log-in for shopping and viewing of Prime content, was specifically cited by eMarketer as a factor driving adoption.”

Shopify is ending its MailChimp integration; interesting article here. “Mailchimp wrote a blog post stating that it asked Shopify to remove the Mailchimp integration from the Shopify marketplace. Mailchimp’s reasoning behind the move was due to the new term requiring partners to send back any data collected “on behalf of the merchant” back to Shopify. According to Joni Deus, director of partnerships at Mailchimp, that data (in Mailchimp’s eyes) doesn’t belong to Shopify.”

This is seen as a battle for data, a lot of which flows through APIs (APIs are how third party tools integrate with websites, like Etsy & label providers such as Shippo & Pirate Ship).

Square improves a bunch of ecommerce tools including social media integrations.  They bought Weebly a year ago, & are using that to make changes to Square Online Store and Square for Retail.

BUSINESS & CONSUMER STUDIES, STATS & REPORTS; SOCIOLOGY & PSYCHOLOGY, CUSTOMER SERVICE

Tone is key to good customer service. I like the bit about answering apparently stupid questions - making the customer feel stupid (even if 99% of readers would agree the question was stupid) is usually not a good approach. But it can be hard to weed out negative tone. Other good quotes: “Directing the conversation away from the negative aspects and focusing instead on the proposed solution helps customers accept the situation and reduces the odds that they will be upset.” and “It almost doesn’t matter how good the news is; if it comes after “actually,” I feel like I was somehow wrong about something.”

Figuring out what motivates your customers.

Ecommerce customer service 101. 

MISCELLANEOUS (INCLUDING HUMOUR)

Facial recognition software is scraping the photos you post online to improve their software. “Despite IBM’s assurances that Flickr users can opt out of the database, NBC News discovered that it’s almost impossible to get photos removed. … There may, however, be legal recourse in some jurisdictions thanks to the rise of privacy laws acknowledging the unique value of photos of people’s faces. Under Europe’s General Data Protection Regulation, photos are considered “sensitive personal information” if they are used to confirm an individual’s identity. Residents of Europe who don’t want their data included can ask IBM to delete it. If IBM doesn’t comply, they can complain to their country’s data protection authority, which, if the particular photos fall under the definition of “sensitive personal information,” can levy fines against companies that violate the law.

In the U.S., some states have laws that could be relevant. Under the Illinois Biometric Information Privacy Act, for example, it can be a violation to capture, store and share biometric information without a person’s written consent. According to the act, biometric information includes fingerprints, iris scans and face geometry.”

Cookie warnings are getting really complicated in some jurisdictions. 

Microsoft killed Clippy again.

American drunk shopping continues to increase.

Posted April 8, 2019. 

[trisockatops]

tl;dr My birthday is coming up and I’ve had a really shitty time esp mental health wise. I have an amazon wishlist and a paypal/me (I guess etsy wishlists are just for yourself); only if you want and have the money and have the inclination, a birthday gift would be so much appreciated. I’d also take messages on my inbox here on tumblr. x3. <3

So the past year and a half (actually... more) have really fucking sucked. I was having a blast doing my Master’s until suddenly one of my co-advisors actually became involved with the project and would spend whole hour and a half meetings just criticizing and insulting me. He’d ask me to do things and then yell at me for doing them because it annoyed him. And my advisor would sit there and say nothing and let him. The only people at our school and major who EVER had their defenses/theses rejected had massive scientific flaws in reasoning. My co-advisor just didn’t like the way I wrote one of my sections, even though my logic was fine and he’d had plenty of time for editing suggestions, and rejected my defense/thesis, meaning I didn’t get to graduate. I then had to finish editing (which involved major re-writes) on my own while no longer getting paid and trying to job search. I had applied for a phD program where the potential advisor I was talking to had guaranteed I’d get a spot, except when I submitted my research proposal I was suddenly and randomly rejected by the school and even trying several rounds to hear back about what had happened and if there was something I should address better in the future, found myself ignored by everyone. So I went from being assured to entering a doctorate program to suddenly having nothing. I didn’t have the time to plan on a backup while writing my thesis and working on my doctorate proposal.

I planned on staying with my parents until I officially graduated, but a few months turned into close to two years now. I’ve submitted applications to too many jobs to count but because I don’t really know anyone in the industry, I’m just not hearing anything back. I don’t even get rejection notices most the time. I tried getting my substitute teacher license but they’re awarded between two offices who don’t communicate, so I got hung up several times as my application stalled for no reason. It took so long to get anywhere that my application is no longer valid, which means I wasted $50 on a background check for nothing because even though our district desperately needs subs and teachers, they don’t actually want to have to do the work of hiring them. 

I got paid a little to get my wildlands firefighting certification but then got an interview with WalMart. Due to how much time and energy WM took (even though it went against my availability, I was often scheduled for things like working until 12:30 am and then starting at 8 am the next day with a half hour’s travel time one direction), I couldn’t keep up on strength training, so couldn’t apply for firefighting. Only I went from interacting with like two people a day to suddenly interacting with thousands of people a day and handling really gross money and raw meat and shit. I was basically sick for the entire three months I was there with different flu strains (I have asthma, so I stay sick for a long time even in the best circumstances). Even being sick the entire time, I only missed a couple of days. But as a new employee at WM, you’re only allowed two absences (even though you should be part time, you’re technically not, though being part time would really have helped with recovery time...), so I was fired. Nobody even bothered telling me I was fired. No call. No forewarning. I had to ask around to find what was going on. By the smiles on their faces, the HR team clearly knew I was fired but for some reason couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me themselves, just sent me on a wild goose chase for someone who could actually tell me. 

Other than that, I got paid a bit to help edit a book and a couple times for house&petsitting. But even living with my parents, I’ve still ofc been losing money to gas costs and food and such. And honestly, for my own mental health, I NEED to move out. While not Trump republicans, they’re still republicans and most conversations with them are a battle. And this is nothing in comparison, but without insurance my acne meds were $400, so my acne has returned, of which my mom often comments on in a negative way (that she thinks is helpful no matter how many times I tell her my acne is ugly but not painful).

It’s been really disheartening to have so little response from potential employers (even people I chat with via phone or email don’t give me a response to my application unless I specifically seek them out and get told a bullshit rejection line about having great qualifications but them going another way) and between everything happening, my depression has just been getting worse and worse.

Literally just last week my friend helped get me a surprise job with her husband, which is a customer service rep for an office supplier. It’s a little above minimum wage but still not really enough to be able to move out, especially considering the carjacking rate in town where I’d move to in order to be closer to the job.

Plus I almost lost my birth control and would have started my period after close to a year of not having one thanks to losing my parent’s insurance and mine being really fucking shitty and not wanting to have to pay for an appointment, so I had a HUGE breakdown in front of my mom, who confronted me about my depression and basically lectured me for letting things get so far and spoke at me instead of to me and having all that come out in front of her was really just... awful and hard to process and deal with.

So, yeah. Generally just been feeling shitty about myself and my situation and not having anyone I can really turn to has made for a terrible year and a half and a general worsening of my mental health.

So only if you want and have the money and have the inclination, a birthday gift would be so much appreciated. I have an amazon wishlist and a paypal/me (I guess etsy wishlists are just for yourself). I also enjoy astrology/tarot/palm reading/energy readings. I’d also take messages on my inbox here on tumblr. x3

<3