#can't wait. gonna go out and have a proper meal by myself and everything.

[daincrediblegg]

I hate it when I accidentally hit submit on the course eval for one of the classes I was most looking forward to critiquing for improvement when I had barely written anything 🙃

[bisonaari]

Käärijä Summer Camp report

I don't really come here anymore and I don't think I'll be back anytime soon, but I still wanted to make a post about this! It's probably gonna be pretty long hahaha

Last time I travelled with my husband, but this time with the amount of things to do and people to meet, he preferred staying at home and took care of our little balcony garden <3 Thanks to him we now have a full ass jungle on our balcony lol

My flights were really uneventful. My first flight to europe was so empty that I had a full row to myself so I could have some good sleep time (albeit a bit uncomfy lol, plane seats are so hard), but that was it.

When I got to Helsinki, I was welcomed by a bunch of GOOFS omg

@mitamicah @j-restlessgeek @teal-skull @katinkulta @clovermoonspell and her friend from Norway were all there, Micah and Susanna arriving a bit earlier than me. We all went to the place I was going to share with Missy, Susanna and @kaarijalist for the next two days.

Those people. Are the best. I fucking love them so much you have no idea. Everyone I'll tag in this post is an absolute cutie that I love but I'LL SAY IT EVERYTIME Skull gave me my birthday present in advance and I just BWAAAAAHH that was so sweet ;A; It was a Jukka autograph that they got for me back in Böle (now framed in my living room ehehehe) and a custom bracelet for me, inspired by my kääryle tattoo ;A; I loved it so ridiculously much it was ADORABLE

I learnt later that day that I wouldn't be able to meet @likearainbowinthedark until much later in my trip and it was a bit sad, I really missed them ;A; Friendship at first sight during february, and now I have to wait MORE to see their face again??? UNFAIR!! And also I had made little crochet frogs for them and their wife ohoho I couldn't wait to give them to their new owners <3

We also met with @formulalakana and @carpblu at a cafe during the afternoon! I was a bit burnt out by the whole you know… flying 12 hours thingie, so I ended up going back to our place but it was still lovely meeting with them they are amazing people!!

The day after that was the actual Summer Camp meet up day!! We all met at the mural together with many people already tagged here, but also @jaarijani @smimon @icbimakb and @tuherrus !! I can't believe that we just started to talk on tumblr and we were all there???? In person??? In front of that stupid Käärijä mural, exchanging bracelets and laughing together? That was just amazing

After a group picture, it was raining too much to have a proper picnic, so we went to the Tikkurila library to actually have some time to hangout and share snacks and gifts from our countries, and draw on each other's clothes and notebooks hahaha. A really, really lovely time with everyone, I'm so happy it went so well. On one side of the room was the Summer Camp flag that Skull had made, and to me it was perfect.

I also was sitting next to icbimakb and I had some time to nerd out to them because they're my fav artist of all time and they let me look at their sketchbook and it was an honor and I don't think that my eyes will ever recover from looking at so much beautiful art. @shirtlessradfahrer arrived at about that time as well.

A bit later we were joined by @follivora @wednesdayday @king-krisu and @khihi !! They didn't stay long but it was fun to finally meet after seeing them on tumblr for such a long time !! Some of us went to queuing, the rest of us stayed to clean up and we went to the venue a bit later <3

The Backas gig was one of the greatest moments of my life. Seriously. Everything went SO WELL??? Missy, Susanna and I headed out to the vip area for the pre show meal, and the food was amazing seriously. I wish I could have eaten about 3000 more of those fucking potatoes they were INCREDIBLE. We were looking at people running for barricade with tenderness hahaha, like "Look at our children <3 So much energy". Then suddenly, Missy spotted him. The Häärijä. Chatting to people next to the merch booth. She had to stop eating immediately because she had gifts to give him, and there might not be any other occasion to do so. I also handed her the fanzines because I'm a bit too shy and I don't have anything to say to Häärijä hahaha.

Part of my Backas report in a previous post ! I'll just focus on the untold parts here

At the venue it was time to meet @hyviihommi and @omppupiiras and also @blatantlyhidden and @because-its-eurovision !!! And wait also @tmrwds and @taidotonheiluja and some more people that I don't know the url of but I know are fellow tumblr users!!

I can't say how much I loved this gig. Hugo was really great, he looks so much like jere when he was younger hahaha. Käärijä was in SUCH a great mood, he was smiling so much and having the time of his life being on stage that day I don't think I'll ever recover. It felt so good being there and having an artist in front of us who was having a blast. I was dancing with Skull and Missy (my immediate neighbours hahaha), looking at Micah and Carpblu having a blast in front of us, enjoying the music that I had been listening for more than a year now with other people who also loved the same music. It was such an experience I will never forget this. We also got Paidaton riehuja!! I did remove my shirt hahaha. If I wasn't wearing a mesh shirt and a bra I would have gone full tits out hahaha, but it was too much of a hassle. But it was SO FUN being able to take part in this!!!

I don't usually listen to It's Crazy It's Party, but live?? It's seriously top 10 of the greatest moments of my life. Seeing everyone around me going fucking insane was incredible and I wish I could go back to those moments.

After the show, we stayed around a bit to chat more. We took another group picture, who is absolutely perfect and I will cherish forever.

Our little group went back to our appartment by taxi and we missed the occasion to say taksit on jo pihalla I'm very disappointed smh

We were already losing our minds because of how well the meetup and the gig went and everyone getting to see their blorbos and have pictures and chats with them, when Missy looked at her phone and SCREAMED because Häärijä had made a story with the fanzine holy shit. You don't know how fucking proud I was. I think I looked at it for 5 hours straight hahaha. He doesn't know how a video that probably took him 5 minutes to film and post made every artist's day it was INCREDIBLE.

(this is a terrible selfie but whatever HAHAHA)

On thursday, it was matching tattoos time!! I am now the proud owner of a pineapple tattoo, matching with Missy, Jay, Cass and Micah. I am ridiculously happy to have it. I feel like we really are a weird family and I found my people. I love it so, so much.

Got to meet with @pianist-chan that day as well!! We all had a lovely picnic together as a group in a park, then one song at a karaoke bar! Micah and I didn't vibe with the bar so after a huge peak of anxiety we all decided to leave hahaha. It was lovely hanging out with everyone anyway so whatever hahaha.

Friday was the Allas gig!! I met up with the gang in the morning to go eat breakfast together, and we ended up getting @hika-chachachan at the same time after we both discovered that we're not the only french fan here HAHAHA. Sorry for everyone with us, we spoke in french most of the meal time because it was fun not having to speak in english for a short time hahaha. Later that day, we took a picture making the JUL sign, the only correct pose for cringe french people uWu

Then I went back to my hostel for a nice nap, got some food with Kat and then finally joined the queue one hour before doors. (I got to see @izpira-se-zlato and @n3ongold3n there! And also I could hug Bec again 💚) We got a pretty nice spot so I'm not disappointed! Although this time Jukka didn't notice me but it's fine I can't win everytime hahaha. The gig was also a lot of fun, nothing much to say here! I didn't realize at that time that it was my last time of this trip seeing Elsa, and I only fully realized it after she left :' ( I would have hugged you a lot harder hahaha

Saturday, Benjamin Peltonen and Erika Vikman gig with the kcord gang!! Before that I went to eat lunch with Cass!! It was sad saying bye, but I really had a fun time with them ;A; <3

I was super late for the gig and arrived after doors because that one guy in my hostel didn't realize that THERE IS ONLY ONE TUMBLE DRYER FOR THE ENTIRE HOSTEL DON'T LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AFTER THEY'RE DONE. URGH. He told me he just went to take a shower because it was taking too long WATCH YOUR GODDAMN CLOTHES MY DUDE I was so annoyed hahaha

Another session of meeting up with new people! This time I got to chat with @labda-kesho @beesgobzzzing and @dragon0blood and some more people I don't know the url of!! Anyway we had a great time! Benjamin looks like an angel, and Erika is…… you know how Erika is I don't need to tell yall HAHAHA. Everything would have been perfect without the extremely drunk girls around us spilling their drinks everywhere and literally falling on people. They had to be escorted out during Erika's part because they were way too annoying for everyone.

On sunday I FINALLY MET WITH EKO YIPPIE IT WAS TIME. I went to visit them in Espoo and ended up staying chatting with them for like 5 hours big oops hahaha we get along so well it felt like 10 minutes ;A; It was also my first time taking the bus by myself in Finland like a big girl!!! For the tram Elsa helped me so I could take it alone after she showed me how to, but the bus to another city?? That was a first one my mother is very proud

Monday, I went to Suomenlinna! When I lived in France 20 years ago, I lived right next to the ocean in a coastal city. Then we moved inland in Canada and you don't know how much I miss the ocean every single day. It's the #1 thing I miss about living in France, so I HAD to go to Suomenlinna. First of all, being on a boat again was so great, I really had missed that. It reminded me of the ferries I used to go on to travelfrom my dad's place to my grandma's place. Great times hahaha. Then I just wandered around for three hours, minding my own business and avoiding people hahaha. I sat next to the sea listening to the waves for hours. And it was the BEST. I think it cured me of 28 mental illnesses I didn't know I had.

On tuesday, I met with Eko once again but in Helsinki this time! We went to get tea together and chatted for another couple of hours HAHAHA. Teemaa in Helsinki is a lovely tea shop and you should definitely go!! I also went to the Skywheel on my way back I just HAD to yknow, Käärijä tourism

After I got back to the hostel, it was packing time to leave Helsinki for other horizons.

PART 2: OUTSIDE OF THE CIRCLE

My next stop was Oulu! So I headed out to the train station on wednesday morning to go on a 6 hours journey hahaha. At least it was a direct train, and the guy next to me was only here from Tampere to Seinäjoki, so I still had quite a lot of space for myself.

Once in Oulu, I was staying with @theplantbish and her partner. I cannot say how much I love her. There are not enough words to express this. The other people I immediately fell in love with I had already met them prior, so no surprises here! (Yall know who you are hahaha) But it was our first time meeting and it was like we already knew each other from 25 years ago. We went from total strangers to great friends in about 5 seconds, and then it took two days to have heartfelt late night conversations crying in each other's arms lol. Anyway this whole paragraph is a love letter to Plant you are amazing and I love you. I can't believe that in two weeks we got to talking on a daily basis hahaha.

Anyway, we also met with @gaysontoast because we went to pick them at the airport and WOW what a tornado of bubbliness <3 They were absolutely wonderful to have as a roommate!! (and they sleep like the dead hahaha)

In the afternoon it was my first time meeting with @submariini and @ravensofskyhold as well! I'm scared that I will run out of available tag spaces like you can only tag 50 people per post lemme count a sec ok we're at 33 still good (but absolutely ridiculous that I got to meet 33 people from tumblr in the same week??? what happened to not meeting strangers from the internet lol) but anyway all lovely people!!

The day after, it was finally time for Suomipop!! In the morning we went to pick @punanenmarli from the train station! Plant and her got back to Plant's place walking hand in hand and it was the fucking cutest shit I had ever seen ;A;

We then met at suomipop for Bess! HOLY SHIT IS THAT WOMAN GORGEOUS??? HOW DARE SHE??? WHEN SHE EMPTIED THE WATER BOTTLE ON HER HEAD I JUST

anyway I was completely normal about this show. Hm. So normal. Even during the french part in Lähtee käsistä. So. Normal.

The others wanted to go see Kuumaa during the evening and I would have loved to as well, but it was raining, I was drenched and cold and miserable and instead just headed back to Plant's place where I was soooo normal about Bess.

On friday, it was my birthday, yippie!!! The clowns from kcord (NOT PEJORATIVE IT'S THEIR NAME OK) got me a card that they all signed and I loved it so much a a a a a a ;A;

We wanted front row for the Käärijä gig later in the evening, so we were there at doors and immediately went front row, which meant that we also got to listen to Viivi and Yö ! Tbh, I really liked Yö, I understand why they're a legendary band hahaha.

However, between the two shows, Plant came back to our group and told me that Jukka. Sorsa. Was. Hanging out. In the VIP section. Which we didn't have access to lol. So we ended up just watching him from afar, when I noticed that he and his friends were leaving the VIP section and crossing the festival area. I told it to Plant who asked me if I wanted to go see him but I was like naaaah I'm shy. So she asked if I wanted her to come with me and I immediately said yes HAHAHA. We went over his little group and when we arrived at about 10 feet from him we waved, and he immediately came to us to have a chat WHAT A MAN I LOVE HIM. I was so fucking awkward (leading to this great interaction… me: "I just wanted to say hi!" Jukka: "well… hi" AAAAAAA IT WAS SO AWKWARD LOL). He noticed the earrings I made out of the guitar plecs he gave me and reached for them sir excuse me do you want me dead hahaha. I didn't say much after that but we still got a picture together that Plant took for me ILYSM

I met with Kat, Lou and their friend just before the Käärijä show and it was amazing as usual. This man knows how to perform hahaha. WE ALSO HAD THIS WEIRD MID-SPEECH SHIT TALK??? JERE WH A T???

After Käärijä, we headed up towards the other stage to Kaija Koo. I was on my phone for I don't remember what, and Plant poked me to tell me "are you on your phone? how often in your life are you gonna see Kaija Koo live??" and she was so fucking right omg. I put my phone back in my pocket and it was absolutely great, got to hold hands with Plant while dancing, seriously amazing. One of my best birthdays ever if not THE best.

We had a meal at Hesburger after everything hahaha (I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS HESBURGER), and in the not quite night of Oulu, to me everything felt so, so right.

Saturday, I got to see Kat and Lou again for souvenir shopping! I GOT THE FUCKING BEST MAGNET IT SAYS PASKA MAGNEETTI AND I'M FUCKING CRYING NO ONE AT HOME WILL GET THE REFERENCE BUT I DO AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS LOL

I said bye to Kat after that but it's so ridiculous we live in the same country LOL I should visit Toronto at some point

At Suomipop, we got to see first Portion Boys and they were so full of energy what a show!!! Nothing can stop them, not the heat, not the wheelchair, NOTHING.

Smitten, Omega and I got to dip our feet in the water at the suomipop beach and it was so needed the sun was HOT that day. The fact that we weren't allowed more than our feet in the water was a tragedy though smh

After that, it was time to my beloved ARTTU WISKARI, I got into his stuff just before flying for Finland so I was delighted he was going to be at Suomipop!! Ed came with me to see him what a gentleman lol (seriously tho I really, really appreciate it!!)

Last suomipop show for me was Elastinen! While watching him I could only think that this was the most shark looking man I had ever seen HAHAHA.

After Elastinen, the group went to see Apulanta, while I went back to Plant's appartment to pack my suitcase, sadly.

On sunday, it was time to take the train again. Plant took me to the train station and we ended up crying so much hahaha I was a mess in the train. But if it hurt so much, it's because it was equally fun, and I can't wait to see her again.

I was headed to Tampere, then Turku! Skull escorted me to my Airbnb they're so lovely ;A; We talked together for about 6 hours lol before I had to leave to do some laundry. While my clothes were in the washing machine, we explored the k-market to find some Pirkka merch but it was all gone, so I just got a lovely @windows95man shirt hahaha. COME BACK TO TUMBLR TEEMU YOU BELONG WITH US

The day after I met with Skull again to buy some Posankka merch! Posankka…… my beloved…… the most beautiful pigduck of Finland <3 I got a reflector, in true finnish fashion hahaha. We then headed up to Luostarinmäki, an open air museum on finnish craftsmanship from the past. It was ridiculously interesting and we spent 3 hours where we only got to half of the museum LOL, we're nerds. Too bad…… I'll have to come back to Turku……… so sad

In the evening we watched TRAFIK and some more Powerwolf music videos, what a great evening holy shit

Interestingly enough, on tuesday I met up with… Skull again lol, they joined me in the park in the afternoon, we stayed here for 2 hours until we left to go to a student bar to get a lovely hot chocolate <3 It was absolutely delicious!

Wednesday, last day in Finland. I met up with, you have guessed, Skull again lmao. We headed to Vantaa (because I had a plane to take r i p).

Skull and I then headed to Arttu Wiskari's Allas gig. We were quite lucky as the rain had just stopped (btw Kallo I still have the rain poncho I stole from you lol it's in Canada now sorry).

We had so, so much fun. The gig was just really fun and light hearted, everyone knew the lyrics, and it was the best ending for an amazing trip. Nothing like dancing with your friend on good music!!

I hugged Skull and cried in the train. Familiar scene, lol. Me sobbing in trains in Finland. I love you so much Kallo.

There are no words left in my heart to express how loved I felt during these 17 days. I will be back. I promise. I can't bear to not go back when I left pieces of my soul with dear friends. Take care of them please, I'll be back to put some more of my soul in them. I love you. So very much. You made my life really bright for a short time, and knowing how good it can be to be alive I want to feel this again.

To all of you, who are my soulmates, my siblings, my loved ones, my beloved: thank you.

[celabi]

I feel like I should put a TW here but I don't know what terms to put specifically so I'll just say I talk a lot about the negative aspects to autistic special interests (specifically really intense ones since I feel like special interests don't get shown in this sort of light much even though it is absolutely an experience that comes with autism?) , mentions of dizzy spells, sleep deprivation, fainting, lack of eating (not intentional/not eating disorder related), overall bad living habits, meltdown mentions, minor mentions of self injurious self-soothing stims, honestly near the end this just becomes a word vomit of me obsessing over Scara with an autistic reader in general near the end because genshin and this man specifically have an absolute chokehold on my poor weak autistic ass and 90% may or may not be my personal experience lmao bye- I probably missed some TWs but like just know there's a lot- I don't know I am going insane lmao

Okay so I know the consensus headcanon wise with scummy Scara is that when it comes to the reader doing things or asking for things his spine is essentially the equivalent of a wet tissue some left on a counter and forgotten about but like- What if he were in a scenario where the reader doing whatever they want was an active detriment to their own health?

Like the main idea in my head since it's an issue I myself suffer with really greatly is like what if he was with an autistic reader who experiences extremely intense special interests and forgets to perform basic tasks like eating, showering or even sleeping as a result of their interest being so intense and unmanaged? Cause it's like on one end bro wants to be supportive towards them and their interest, especially if like they've mentioned that they bring up the thing so much because they're autistic and it's their special interest, no way in hell is bro gonna skip the chance to be seen as an ally to the reader in that sense. Bro would probably yell at the fucking sun like an absolute mad man for making everything so bright and overstimulating if his poor darling ended up being overloaded by it and had a meltdown- But on the other he's watching them develop intense dizzy spells and like seeing them struggle to take two steps to the couch or to a chair while dazed as hell and whenever it's brought up they're just "Oh it's fine, I was just up till 6 in the morning last night because I was doing something related to my interest-". Or like he'll ask them when the last time they ate a proper meal was and they'll just "Oh I forgot I had to do that" or "Well I ate a chocolate bar like a day ago so that should be fine right?" And bro is just internally panicking like "No that is not fine how are you even alive?????"

And it's like he can't just cut the interest out completely since it's basically integral for the reader to have their special interest fix daily otherwise it can be really detrimental to them mentally and he doesn't wanna put them through that distress but like it's not like he would be able to like introduce them to a healthier routine either since like Motherfucker does it look like he knows what a healthy routine is?

Like bro is literally just out here like

"Babe I love you and I'm glad you're passionate about something but please, please go to sleep it's almost 7 in the morning I'm worried" he says knowing full well he was probably playing Valorant or something and would probably end up pulling an all nighter- Don't question how he knows they were up, it's definitely not like he's monitoring them through some cameras he managed to set up in their room

"Sweetie please tell me you ate something yesterday- Wait what do you mean you skipped dinner last night???? No a packet of chips doesn't count, You're lucky I happened to bring some extra leftovers" yes he probably invited himself over to make them a proper meal tailored to their preferences after this 🥰

The reader has an incident where they end up fainting while doing basically nothing cause their body was just done and Scara's immediately invited himself over for the week just to make sure they don't have any other complications or episodes- Probably even offers to bathe with them just in case they end up fainting while in the bath or shower-

Also not related to the health negligence but still on the topic of him with an autistic reader I love the idea of him letting the reader like scratch and claw at his arm (he doesn't care since he already does it himself) whenever they're experiencing a meltdown just so they can like get the "self-soothing" from it without them doing it to themselves- Although he probably struggles with giving them space when they need it- Also bro probably feels so fucking bad in the early days of like learning how to help them out when they're having a meltdown when he finds out him constantly asking questions about what happened made it worse for them since they can't physically speak in that state and asking questions just draws their attention to that and makes them feel even more helpless and overstimmed than before- He had his heart in the right place though :(

And God forbid if anyone makes an offhand comment about the reader acting a little "weird " socially bro has a whole "Uhm actually they're autistic you dick-" essay ready to go even if the person was nice about it- Qnd God forbid they did mean to mock them, bro is immediately on offensive mode even though he'll probably end up getting his own ass beat-

He probably doesn't care if he has to help them cut their own food because they struggle with the actual motor function required to do it properly- He'll happily do it for them- If they're in public and he has to do it he doesn't care, if anyone wants to give him or god forbid his darling weird looks then they can mind their own fucking business- Maybe he'll have to remember that person for later, just to make sure they get the memo-

ALSO assuming he's also autistic (hahaha not me projecting myself on him at all lmao) the dynamic is just the "Me and the autistic bad bitch I pulled by also being autistic-"

I don't even know if this is comprehensible or if I've just gone insane lmao- I nearly fainted at work yesterday because I stupidly stayed up till 4 in the morning playing Genshin because I have yet to manage my intense special interest towards it yet and my brain is scrambled to all hell- No thoughts, head empty, Only Genshin and Scara with his autistic bad bitch reader-

Also tried to make this open for anyone else who has autism too but it's probably really heavily injected with my own personal experience because I don't know how else to like talk about those things so like- I tried to make it open but it's difficult-

👀👀👀👀 wow I loved this so much it’s so interesting <3333 he just he just he just 🥹🥹🥹 trying to help reader while also trying to help himself r ahhhhh “bae go to sleep it’s 3 am” but he’s also awake and can’t sleep ahh in love. He’s always reminding you to do things he knows you would have looked past on, like showering and sleeping , and he’s no cook, but will whip up 5 course meals when he knows you haven’t been eating 🥺🥺

[aamethyst000]

April 8, 23 7:21am - going home~

I woke up an hour ago and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm feeling anxious this morning because we are flying home today! our flight won't leave until 1pm but we gotta get there to check our luggage and how many people are boarding the plane. it was pretty packed on our way down here, which I did not like. it's probably why I avoid taking the plane as often as I do and why I always prefer the trains over taking the bus. anyway, I am also excited to go home and be in my own bed~ and see my cat ♡

being in this city is so exhausting and fckn expensive! I'm so glad I don't live in this area, I prefer PG over any other city. catching one train to another, or even a cab that is nearly 50 per trip. an Uber is not that cheap either. I got so stressed that my appetite could not keep up. I'm glad no one worried over if I actually ate or not. I don't know if they'd understand that I could no physically force myself to eat a big meal like that. on top of that, lots and lots of walking from one building to another. not to mention the new additions (at least from the last time I visited here) like the pets they have now and proper blankets. they definitely did not have that the last time I was here. I'm glad that they have little companions though ♡ I am so very thankful for this opportunity to travel again ♡ me and the rest of the group will be leaving the hotel at 10am to head to the airport. I'm going to be so anxious throughout the whole thing.

8:18am - I am really hoping that I can sleep while we are on the plane today. I am actually getting sleepy again. then again, I might get too anxious while we are at the air port. the place is so bloody huge, I genuinely get a little afraid to get lost there with how big it is. I am going to double check everything in my suit case and my laptop bag before heading down into the lobby. it's gonna be a long wait, that's for damn sure. some of the students love to wait until exactly the time we said we are gonna meet. I can see why and how it is so irritating when my mum asks me for something. I can try and fix that, for my own sanity and everyone else's. now that I realize it is a really bad habit to get into.

12:04pm - we made it to the air port and through security. despite my anxiety saying other wise. we are almost home, me and the group will be boarding the plane at around 1230 and departing around 1pm.

I have been feeling drowsy since I woke up early this morning, I am also feeling cranky too, so I am hoping I can nap on the plane ride back. it looks like it is going to be a full fckn plane again. it is going to be so bloody warm then. I'm a little upset about that but all I am thinking about is home and my beedddd, along with seeing my cat again ♡ he has been such a Lammy pants since me and my little brother left home lol poor thing. I think I am just going to meet everyone down at the ferry docks when we land. I don't want to bump into the sperm donor again. if danny isn't beside me, I might just strangle him on the spot.

1:49pm - we are on the way to home now, I tried to take a nap but I seem too anxious to go home. I had like a quick little nap before departing but that was about it. now I am just listening to music on Spotify and just zone right out during this flight. the sun is blindingly bright. that's probably why I can't have a little nap.

5:00pm - we all made it on the ferry and now are on the way home! I am so excited to go home and rest, dude. I am so tired I am ready to go hermit mode for 2 weeks. just as I predicted, we had to go straight from air port to the ferry docks. my little brother did not like that, he wanted to buy more gift cards for his gaming system. he couldn't, since we didn't have enough time. supper will be made by our favorite takeout lady tonight 😋 and I get to have NORMAL coffee as soon as we get home ♡ I should've waited u til today to have a bath but I get the feeling as soon as we make it home, I will be too tired to do anything else lol so I think ill just be having supper and unpack some time tomorrow.

this trip was fun but fckn exhausting.

10:30pm - we finally made it home at 630, I am so happy! I felt myself relaxing after coming back home, our takeout also made it here half an hour later. it was so yummy~ I had a pizza sub with a side of zingers. I even had two cups of coffee~ I feel so much better after smoking a few joints as well ♡ I feel back to normal~ I am not going to bath tonight, im just gonna relax in my room and pet my cat ♡

[unluckilyimnot]

S/o struggling with eating disorders || Tokyo Revengers

Characters: Chifuyu, Mikey, Draken, Inui, Koko, Mitsuya(f!reader)

Type: angst, fluff

Warnings: eating disorders in all kind, anorexia, bulimia

Disclaimer: I don't turn ed into romantic stuff or bc it's "trending". I struggle with it myself, also any form of this is valid no matter what. I do that bc I wished someone would notice for me and for comfort. Please take care of yourself ♡

Edit : I'm talking about what I know and I'm sorry if it hurt anyone, it wasn't planned. I just don't feel like writing about something like this that I didn't experienced.

Words count: 947

m.list

English is not my first language so I'm sorry if there're any mistakes ♡

Chifuyu would realize that you eat less than before, like you always share with him or never finish your food, even if you don't take that much. He didn't mind at first, I mean anyone can feel like not eating a lot for a while and he's no-one to push you to eat when you don't want to. But when he sees you looking disgusted at the sight of food it startled him and he asks you about it. You were scared to talk about it because you didn't really lose weight and felt like you weren't valid to feel like this but he reassured you. Telling you that you have the right to feel like this, even if he doesn't see anything wrong with you and your body. 

Wouldn't help you lose weight tho cause you don't need to, he prefers to help you to eat healthier cause he can't stand the fact that you're not eating.  He'll be so sad about it but he's not the one struggling so he would mostly comfort and encourage you. 

"You're beautiful the way you are, I love you just like this so stop hurting yourself." 

Mikey notices this throughout your relationship : you're not able to eat a proper meal, never. He doesn't eat that well either, but since Emma takes care of him he still has some. You're always eating sweets or fast food here and there but no real meal, even with him. It's like you're not angry after that and skip all your meals and replace them with ships and candy. He knows he's not the best to nag about this (I mean, he eats dorayaki all day), but he still asks you to eat some good meals sometimes cause he's worried about your health. 

You feel sorry for worrying him and would take him in your arms as an excuse, promising him that you'll try. 

"You're gonna eat normally one day, right ? I can do it too if it helps you."

Draken is surprised to see you on your scales a few mornings in a row but doesn't pay much attention cause he notices that you start working out. He congratulates you because you were talking about it for a while now and seeing you get the motivation makes him happy. But it just kept going and he knew it wasn't healthy. 

He wouldn't talk seriously with you about that, cause you'll deny everything. One day he just lifts you from it and keeps you in his arms with a serious look. "You're not heavy at all you know ?" You try to talk back but he just shuts you down. Next morning, the scales were gone and he let you do it only one time a week, enduring it if you yelled at him for hiding it. 

It's not that weird for Inui to go to the bathroom after each meal, he usually does too but weirdly you always let him go first when you stand up at the same time. But, just once, he got right after you and waited beside the door and heard you throw up. He knocks, asking if you were alright. It's easy to lie about this and you go with it for a looong time. 

But the day he asked you seriously, cause he was really worried about you, you confessed to him about it. You really thought that he would nag you about it, repeat all those things you already know. Instead he takes you in his arms and hugs you tightly. He was so sorry and felt dumb to not pay enough attention. He's ready to do anything for you after that, even holding your hair. 

"It must hurt a lot, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." 

Koko is busy but not an idiot, and on top of that he notices everything. He's glad that you start working out and put more attention to eating healthier. It's good for you and he thinks that if it makes you happy, he's happy. He just didn't expect this to end up that way. You lose way too much weight and he realized it a bit too late. He hates himself for not taking care of you when you needed it. It startled him one night when you dressed up after shower: he could clearly see your bones and that scared him. 

Would talk about it with you, pushing you to do so cause he can't just go on with his life knowing that you were going through that alone. Insist to take you to the hospital and, after that, comes with you at every appointment. 

"You don't have to go through this alone, I'm with you." 

Mitsuya is always dead serious about period and is always ready. He knows when it is, it's note on his phone. He even buys you everything you need, what you like to eat and the hot water bottle is ready. So when you don't have it, he's worried to know if you're pregnant or have any problems. You have to reassure him that everything is fine and lie by telling him that it can happen for him to not ask too much. You're just scared to talk to him. 

But when it happens again, he already realizes the weight loss and would face you to talk about this. He's so worried it makes him sick and he falls hard when you speak what was on your mind. He'll hold you close and promise you to help you go through this and never leave you alone for this. Would probably cook for you. 

"I'll check on you everyday from now on, I'm sorry."

Please don't tell that one is harder than another, if it hurts a person then it's hard and it shouldn't be compared. Thank you. I really hope that everything is fine omgness

I hope you liked it ♡

[sunflowerim]

I LOVE YOU 3000!

-PART 30

Weekend 3

Harry waited for a whole minute before the door opened, revealing a very dishevelled Louis.

Harry waited for a whole minute before the door opened, revealing a very dishevelled Louis.

"Sorry, I was in the shower."

"You forgot I'd come early?" Harry asked making his way inside.

"Not really, kinda woke up late and everything else was late too. Tea?"

"Now?"

"Ah, there's no time for tea sweet Harold. I'll make 2 cuppas."

Harry watched Louis move about the kitchen picking up containers and cups while Clifford tugged at his trackies.

"Get off me Cliffy. Go play with Harry."

Harry whistled and the furry little animal came rushing to him.

Harry picked Clifford's ball from the ground and started playing with him.

"Sugar?"

"No."

Harry walked around the couch and flopped himself down on it.

Soon enough Louis arrived with two hot cups and handed one to Harry.

"Let's get the movie started."

Harry was fascinated with the new character that was introduced in 'Iron Man 2'. Natasha Romanoff. He was taught to say st interview that this would be his favourite character, but now he really liked her.

He watched in awe as she displayed her fight skills. Louis loved the reaction. Nat had always been one his favourites and he missed her terribly. Seeing Harry liked her too made him happy.

Harry sat motionless for a few seconds after the movie ended. Louis smiled to himself and got up with the cups, when Harry started.

"I don't mean to impose but can we watch another movie please."

"What? Really?" Louis chuckled.

"Yeah, I'm hooked."

"Can't blame ya," Louis answered from the kitchen. "But aren't you hungry?"

"A bit yes."

"Let's have some food first."

"Oh I was supposed to teach you."

"Don't worry about that, I had my helper cook lunch for us."

"Oh cool."

"Just wait for 5 minutes while I heat em up and we can go back to the movie."

Harry happily nodded and petted Clifford, who was sprawled next to him on the couch.

Harry helped Louis bring the food to the table and Louis put the 'Thor' dvd on.

Harry met the fourth superhero and instantly fell in love with the blonde god of thunder.

Harry practically started clapping as the movie ended and immediately looked towards Louis with a question in his eyes which Louis immediately understood.

"Another?"

"Yes, please."

Louis huffed a laugh and went over to change the dvds.

He put 'Captain America : The first Avenger' on Harry met the fifth superhero. He was absolutely taken by Chris Evans and his eyes watered at certain scenes. Harry Styles is a proper human afterall, Louis thought.

Harry and Louis picked up the plates and walked over to the kitchen sink, talking among themselves, Louis trying to excite Harry more about the next movies. They did the dishes in companiable silence, despite Louis insisting Harry didn't.

Harry didn't mind. He enjoyed spending time with Louis.

"Lou--" Harry drawled ever so slowly, "I was thinking--"

"If you say one more movie I'm gonna kick you out," Louis laughed.

"It's hard to wait."

"You need to give your eyes some rest. By the way, you could stay for dinner. It's almost time." Louis added after a pause.

"Yeah, you're right," Harry said, glancing at his wrist watch. "I guess I overstayed, I should leave."

"Hey, no. I mean you could have dinner with me, unless you have other plans."

"I don't."

"So...?"

"Okay I'll stay a bit more."

"Cool. But you have to cook this time."

"Oh now I get it. That's why you wanted me to stay-" Harry teased, "-you can't cook."

"And all the shops have been destroyed due to zombie apocalypse. Please stay and cook for both of us?"

"God you're so dramatic," Harry managed between laughter.

"You're one to talk."

"Oh shut up."

Harry buzzed about the kitchen finding ingredients. They'd decided on spaghetti. Louis followed the little instructions Harry gave every now and then and watched Harry deftly cook up a wonderful smelling meal.

A warmth spread over Louis' body as he thought about how this could easily be something he could get used to.

Harry was an amazing cook. "I'm a bit of a chef myself," he'd said when Louis complimented him on his skills.

"We've got to do this more often," Louis said finishing his meal.

Harry smiled brightly at that. "We shall."

Louis let Harry feed Clifford and put him in his corner for the night.

Harry seemed reluctant to leave so Louis asked, "do you still wanna watch it?"

"Yes, I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I don't."

"Okay I'll put it on. But it's the last one."

"Yayyy okay."

Louis laughed lightly at Harry's excitement and went on to put the 4th movie of the day.

He put 'The Avengers' on and plonked beside Harry, this time forgetting to keep the polite distance in between. Harry didn't seem to mind so Louis didn't shift away.

Harry's previous reactions were nothing compared to his current ones. Even Louis got goosebumps when the six Avengers took position, despite having watched it so many times before. Harry grabbed Louis' upper arm in excitement and Louis had to fight the smile that was threatening to creep on his face. They stayed like that for the entire movie and by the time it ended, Harry realised he'd been holding Louis and tried to subtly move his hand hoping Louis wouldn't notice. But ofcourse he did.

"Got a bit carried away there, Haz?" Louis teased lightly.

Harry could feel his cheeks heat up and struggled to find words to reply.

"It was mind blowing Lou."

"I know I know. There's still do much more."

Both of them were too tired by the end of the movie, despite the excitement of it all.

Harry yawned and that set Louis off too.

"God it's so late, I didn't even realise."

"It's okay Harry."

"I should go now."

"Wait, it's pretty late and you're too sleepy to drive. I'm not very awake either. You wanna stay over?"

"No no I don't wanna be a burden Lou."

"Shut up, it's no big deal. I'll get the guest room ready in 5 minutes."

And Harry stayed.

Louis returned after a while to inform that the guest room was ready and that he'd set out a pair of his t-shirt and trackies for Harry to change into.

Harry changed into Louis' clothes and couldn't help smiling at the way his stomach flipped.

He poked his head in time to see Louis entering his room.

Louis stopped when he saw Harry in his shirt. His over-sized tee fit the taller boy perfectly.

Louis' face looked like he wanted to say a thousand words and Harry was dying to know what it was but Louis settled for a smile. "Goodnight Harry."

"Goodnight Louis."

Harry would have thought more about the implications of the situation if he wasn't so tired.

Harry was confused for a minute to wake up in an unfamiliar surrounding before he realised where he was. His heart raced at the thought that he'd just spent the night at Louis'. It was platonic ofcourse. Even though Harry wished Louis was rather in bed with him--

His chain of thoughts was cut by a soft knock at the door.

"Yeah, come in," Harry said in his sleep ridden voice.

"Goodmorning Harry. Hope you slept well."

"Yeah, thanks Lou," Harry said taking the cup of tea Louis handed him. "What time is it?"

"Uh, almost 10."

"What?" Harry sounded frantic.

"Why is there a problem?"

"No I mean I had some work. Shit, I gotta leave."

"Just have the tea first and freshen up. I'll let you get ready."

Harry quickly freshened up and made a dash for his car, telling Louis he'll call later.

When Harry left, Louis knew he was in deep trouble. He'd asked Harry to stay over and Harry actually had. This was anything but normal. He had to talk to someone about it immediately. Zayn.

PREVIOUS / NEXT

INTRO

[mytwistedhome]

Diasomnia members when they find out you have Anorexia

Trigger warning to anyone who suffers with an eating disorder!!

It’s one of those nights again... Writing these headcanons to give myself some solace. 

I hope this can maybe bring comfort to someone else, or at least provide some bit of entertainment. My intention is not to cause harm or trigger anyone. That is the last thing I want.

This time, these headcanons are for Diasomnia members. I’ve already posted ones for Pomefiore and Ignihyde (of which you can see on my blog, if you desire), and the other dorms will likely be posted the next time I need some self cheer-up.

I swear I’ll have some proper writings up tomorrow, and even more by the end of the week. And, I intend to keep my promises this time. Sorry, I’m really not much of an angel if I’m being honest. I sincerely apologize to the friends and the requesters of whom I’ve neglected. You don’t deserve to wait and wait just to see me break a promise and go back on my word. That’s entirely my fault, and with my whole heart, I am sorry.

💚

Malleus Draconia

So this is how humans hate themselves? How horrifically graceful...

Not gonna lie, he romanticizes the idea quite a bit at first

He watches with a morbid curiosity as you quickly grow thinner and thinner day after day, and how you stumble around weakly in a constant dizzy state

He finds it fascinating how a weak human can withstand such torture brought onto them by themselves

It really is odd, isn’t it?

You, a human, already bound to die after several years of life, are hurting yourself even further

You are so delicate... He's really enthralled. It's so strange how you hurt yourself in a sickly yet gracious way, and he cannot help but watch from afar

But, he knows that he cannot simply watch you forever as you kill yourself

He sees how much you are hurting and suffering, and he grows incredibly sad for you

You don't deserve to go through such pain. What ever made you decide to do this?

He can't possibly imagine what it must be like, and he becomes mournful over you

And he's now determined to bring you help, some way, somehow...

He tries to confront you about it. On those nights when the two if you run into each other outside the Ramshackle dorm, he'll make vague, elusive references to your starving yourself

The way he goes about it is oddly beautiful. He says things like "it's been several days since we've talked like this. You've grown thinner from before," and "it's often lonely and empty, the day's without you, much like how your stomach goes empty," or "you always seemed mesmerized by my abilities, particularly when I vanish from your eyes, but isn't it the same when you float through life in a dazed state of mind? From that dizziness brought on by hunger?"

And you're left with your mouth wide open, absolutely stunned. He knows. Somehow, he knows

But you still play dumb, wondering what in earth he means, knowing all too well what it is he means...

Malleus sighs sadly. The look on his face is incredibly hopeless and pitiful (and for a moment, you feel guilty for having brought him to such an emotion) before he crossed his arms and his look turns dour. He's done dancing around this topic

He's very straightforward now, telling you sternly that you need to stop this. Stop hurting yourself, stop killing yourself

He tries not to let his own feelings show, but his jaw softens and his lower lip trembles every now and then

You become overwhelmed with sadness, guilt, and self-hatred. Those are the exact emotions that Malleus was trying not to stir, but you just can't help it as he scolds you so seriously. Just how long had he known? How long had he been watching and worrying over you?

When he's done speaking, you let out a wretched gasp as you clutch your chest, your heart palpitating from the overflow of emotions, and the hunger, and the sudden movement

Malleus reaches out to you, his hands clutching your arms and steadying you on your feet as your knees buckle

He stares at you wide-eyed in shock, unable to say another word. He knows that you are weak and your health is poor, but what caused you to react in such a way just now?

Your stomach feels as if it's caving inwards, and a coldness spreads throughtout your body

Tears begin to well up in your eyes. You know that Malleus is worried for you, and you didn't mean to make him worry, but you really just wish he didn't know... That this could still just be your secret and you would get help on your own when you're ready

Oh, god... this didn't help. Somehow, this whole confrontation triggered you. Now you just want to starve yourself even more, continuing this way forever

But Malleus won't let that happen, even if it hurts you (as in, emotionally) to stop. Continuing this way would break his heart

Lilia Vanrouge

Lilia’s been around. He knows how serious eating disorders can get. I’m sure he’s seen other who have suffered or even died from it.

Actually, he was the one who suspected that you had anorexia

He noticed how you would pick apart your food before eating, how you chew so slowly, and how you are always eager to leave the meal table

Not to mention how you almost cower away in fear when certain foods are offered to you

Also not to mention how you gaze longingly at other people's plates

To him, it's obvious because he can pick up on all the subtle signs.

Confronting you is a bit tricky... He really doesn't know how to approach you about it in a way that will make you open up

When he's around you, he'll begin to ask you questions in concern

He'll often ask you if you're okay, if you're feeling alright, etc. You always lie

He knows you're lying, but he won't mention it. He'll just continue to ask if you're doing okay with sincerity every time he's around you

Eventually, you begin to realize that he is someone who might very genuinely care about you, and you are very touched by his concern. No one has ever been so worried about you before

One day, when the two of you are alone, you say something like "I'm actually not okay..."

And then you vent to him for a very long time

You even start to cry

He keeps silent through your venting, but he listens intently to every word you have to say

When you're done, he gives you a sad smile and tries his best to console you

He lets you know that you can reach out to him anytime you need

Overtime, he convinces you to seek help and receive actual treatment and recovery

Probably the most successful of all the guys in putting you on the road to recovery!

Silver

He is very taken aback

Truly, he doesn't know what to say or what to do

He immediately feels so, so bad for you... His heart mourns for all the suffering you must have been going through

He tries to be sympathetic... He really does

But at the same time, he's a bit worried about getting involved. How are you going to react to his knowing? Will you really take kindly to his concern? Or, will you push him away, as is so common a symptom of this disease?

He subtly watches you as you eat your meals. He's quite good at watching without making it seem so, and he uses this skill to keep an eye on you in concern

He sees how you cut your food into tiny pieces, how you push it around in your dish, hardly ever bringing the fork to your lips...

And his heart breaks. How pitiful it is to see you like this

He wishes he could just reach his arms out and somehow save you, help you... But that wouldn't work, would it? This is a very real problem; he can't just save you in a fanciful way, no matter how badly he wishes

He gathers the courage to approach you about it, just to let you know that he's aware of your struggle and that he's willing to listen if ever you need to talk to someone

He sits down beside you after classes one day as you're doing a bit of studying/reading. You what's you to feel as comfortable as possible, not like he's pushing you to open up if you aren't ready

You smile when you see him come close, happy to have his company

Well, this seems like it's off to a good start!

The two of you exchange a few words of warm conversation, but then a silence falls, and you see Silver's face darken, turning into a sad expression

And, after a bit of hesitation, he tells you that he knows... He knows how you starve yourself, and how you suffer, but assures you that all he wants is to help and be there for you

You are quite stunned, only staring at him blankly, unsure of what to say

It certainly cought you off guard, having him say it just like that...

After a moment, you thank him for his offer and for his concern, and you really do appreciate it

But... You are still very alarmed

You excuse yourself and head back to your firm, trying to take this all in

How long had he known...? You knew he was trustworthy and kind, but you weren't sure if you weren't sure if you wanted to let him in to such a private and major part of your life

From then on, you begin avoiding him, not wanting to let him in. It hurts him to see you hide away from him, but he expected this to happen

But then, one day, you are having it particularly rough, and you feel so miserable... You call Silver, just to hear his voice. Just to have some company. Just to feel like you aren't alone.

And he does everything he can to comfort you, listening intently to all you have to say

He doesn't push you to eat, or urge you to get help, he is just... there. And that is all you could ever ask for

He continues to be the friend of whom you seek out for comfort, and Silver is happy to be there for you whenever you need

Sebek Zigvolt

He finds out after he catches you in his arms upon your fainting

He's used to Silver falling asleep at random, but the way that you wobbled across the room, shuffling your feet and swaying as you tried to walk in a straight line, then spinning as your eyes rolled back, trying to find your balance as you babbled out incoherent sounds before sinking to the ground...

He's certainly not used to that. It terrified him to see you in such a state, and that fear turned into overwhelming worry for your well-being

He had rushed to your side before your head clashed with the hard ground. He wrapped his arms tightly around your shoulders as your head tilted back onto his chest

He gazes at you with absolute panic, his mouth agape and eyes wide with fear

He tries to shake you awake, but your head just bobs and your arms fall limply at your side, your legs having already given out entirely

In panic, he shouts for help while also loudly urging you to get up, wake up, and stand on your own two feet

Luckily, his voice was heard by a couple others (probably just Lilia or another elder student) who come rushing into the room

They see you passed out with your sickly pale and gaunt face, and they advise Sebek to immediately take you to the school's infirmary, to which he promptly obeys and carries you there

He leaves you in the care of the nurses, and the whole time that the two of you are parted, his mind is reeling with worry

He can't bring himself to relax at all. He's all strained and stressed over you! He's unimaginably worried. He really wants you to be alright...

When you finally return to your consciousness, Sebek is one of the first to know, and he immediately rushes to wherever you are, regardless if you're still feeling dreary

He, very loudly, bombards you with questions as he tries to make sure that you are alright

He's still in a bit of a panic... Are you sure that you're okay?

You assure him that you're feeling fine now as you chew and swallow your 180 calorie granola bar

Sebek is relieved, but now he's demanding answers. How did you pass out in such a scary way? What happened then? What's going on with you?

Your head starts to spin once again at his pressing questions. You can't just tell him that you don't eat

Like with Epel, you try to make excuses. First, you try telling him that you were just overheated

Sebek doesn't buy that; he explains to you that you felt cold to the touch and had goosebumps all over your body when he caught you in his arms

You then try to say that you are anemic

That could be true, but now Sebek knows you are lying, and he presses you even further

Tears start to well up in your eyes. You don't want to come forward with this secret!

But he keeps pushing you with his loud voice... You can tell that he cares, and you feel bad for making him worry so much

Maybe you can trust him...

On the condition of him keeping his voice down, you tell him. You tell him that you fainted because you purposefully don't eat enough

He doesn't take it too well... He actually grows angry

How could you do such a thing to yourself???

You beg him to please, please calm down. You try to explain to him that this is something you can't really help...

After you briefly try to explain, his brows furrow together, as if in a glare, but his eyes are so full of sorrow

His chest tightens in pain and pity... Pity and sorrow for you. That's what he feels. And helpless, as well, to your suffering

He pushes you to get help, urging you every single day

He wants to help more. He wants you to just be okay. Why can't you just wake up and not have this problem anymore? Why do you have to be this way?

But he feels like there's nothing else he can do...