#co parenting both in creating them and in actual parenting them

[hellcifrogs]

Oh yeah I had these team kenshi parents ideas I've been working on~

[astrologydayz]

ASTROLOGY FUCKING NOTES2🖤💀

Nobody really knows a person with a 12th House Sun🤔🤔. They hide themselves really well, & project themselves as someone they're truly not. They don't do it on purpose, they're just so fucking private. My brother actually has this placement, and we're practically twins, but I still feel like I don't know him, AT ALL. They hide themselves, because they're afraid that their true selves won't be "enough"/won't be "liked". BUT OFC IT WILL, & IF NOT, THEN FUCK THEM, BABE.

MOON CONJUNCT/SQUARE SATURN people can hate being alone 4 the first two decades of their lives, but later learn 2 be their own best friend, & love it. They "mother themselves 2 life/back2life". They learned the hard way, that everything is better when u don't put your faith in just anybody. They also learned not 2 trust from a young age, because of their mother/father or both parents💀💔.

I've seen people say "that u can choose not to access that specific energy in your chart, if you don't want 2"🤣. Like u can choose 2 get a million dollars tmrw?, IF YOU WANT 2?🤣 come on. Natal charts are a tool 2 c who u are, why you developed that way/what “happens in your life”, and why you're here with the help of astrology. No matter the aspect, it will be present at some point. A chart never lies🔮🤷‍♀️.

MOON SQUARE/QUINCUNX VENUS IN A MAN'S NATAL CHART tells us that he finds it hard 2 understand women. He has "problems" when it comes 2 feminine energies, &with the women he's surrounding himself with🤔. He can have a hate/love relationship 2/with women💋.

VENUS CONJUNCT/TRINE/QUINTILE MONY ASTEROID - 7782) IN SYNASTRY, will cause the asteroid person 2 provide the Venus person with a lot of material gifts👠🛍💄.

IDK why anybody would say that your MC has NOTHING to do with how u look/how people see u! Lol okay. My mentor must have been on drugs when she was taught everything + in all those 43 years she's been in practice then. gtfo. Let me give u an example. 👇🏼

I’ll just tell you everything I see with this aspect.

Kim K = Venus in Virgo in 9th house at 19 degrees - Libra degree) conjunct her MC in Virgo at 28 degrees - cancer degree). She's famous 4 her beautiful looks/people finding her beautiful. she always does things to look "YOUNGER, cosmetic procedures etc. 2 take years off! Growing a big following worldwide of young people looking up 2 her/her being idolized by them. Famous 4 being beautiful/4modelling/fashion/cosmetics - being in Venusian businesses/4 who she dates. she also takes after her MOM, with her looks!!! I know her mom was/is also her manager, & I would include this here, cuz u can actually see that, but I would have to go into details again. Idk if u would find that boring?? as I already wrote a lot. Thanks for making it this far😂.

ASTEROID MEMORIA (1247) IN SYNASTRY can tell u why u feel like you’ve met the other person before, or what memories that r the most "memorable" with the other person🧡🪐🔮.

ASTEROID FANATICA - 1589) IN SYNASTRY tells u what really fascinates u about the other person/what u can become obsessed with, when it comes 2 the other person❕

IF U HAVE A SYNASTRY ASPECT/OR ASPECTS with someone, and u also have it in your natal chart = a very important person you're dealing with! They'll teach u whatever the aspect is/aspects are! And they're meant 2 be the one who teaches it 2u/ or meant 2 be the one who makes that aspect exist in your life. (good or bad).

VENUS OPPOSITE VERTEX/CONJUNCT ANTI-VERTEX IN SYNASTRY is co cute🥹, Vertex let Venus in2 their "private world". Venus is usually not the type Vertex person goes 4, but they’re mesmerised anyway!! “There’s just something unreal about Venus”.

KARMA ASTEROID - 3811) can tell you about your karma! Old karma/Karma you're creating etc. U can use it in in any chart u want2, natal charts, synastry charts, composite charts, Davidson Charts, solar return charts, lunar return charts, progressed charts, ANY CHART U WANT2 BABE!!🪐🤛💥🪐⛅☀🌊.

BLACK MOON LILITH SQUARE/QUINCUNX ASC in a WOMAN'S CHART can show problems with both genders. She can feel left out, not apart of "the group", when it comes to women. And with men = men always trying to run up on her/trying her boundaries, &they're provocative af. People can't handle her here. She will not conform to anyone. She can feel pretty fucking alone in the way she goes about her day to day life. feeling like nobody will ever understand the struggles she has/the pain she's going around with. The key here is acceptance of ones self. She cannot change herself for others sake, she will never be happy. She'll be happy when she chooses herself, & the right people will flock 2 her, right after. They'll See her light, &will not put who she is down, but CELEBRATE. It can also be the complete opposite. She can be a people pleaser, & has internal fights with herself, every day about this. Trying 2 fit in with groups, dating men who's crossing her boundaries, all the time. She either fights people, or she fights herself. SHE HAS 2 STAY TRUE2HERSELF! There will always be people hating on her, no matter how she moves. FUCK THEM. People who are meant 2 be in her life will CELEBRATE HER!! Not put who she is down/make her change. People who can't understand her = she needs2 get them the fuck out.

NEPTUNE CONJUNCT ASC can show a person living in their own "delulu world". They're not really "there" - can be seen as the "dumb blonde". Neptune can cloud their mind, every single day. They're "different"/they change all the time. They can't really be "real" with people. Trying 2 always be friends with everyone, not really having their own opinions, following the pack etc. They can 100% people please.

VALENTINE/AMOR/ 447) - 1221) CONJUNCT MC - They "look like love", &they also project it out. People think they're beautiful. But remember, even tho people know/c them like that = doesn't mean that they're really like that. That's just what they show off/how they're "known" in the eyes of the public/in their career/their surroundings💜.

SUN MAKING AN "EASY" ASPECT2 MOON does not mean that your parents like each other. I have this, and my parents literally can't stand each other. I've seen this more times than I can count. It's about your conscious ego&how you emotionally feel about the way u express yourself/with the way u "show your ego off" - "yin&Yang duality".

I HATE MOON SQUARE URANUS IN SYNASTRYYYYY. Uranus will pop in&out of the other person's life, as they desire2. The Moon person needs support&a feeling of being safe, &Uranus wants other things/aka not worried about the Moon person - Uranus is erratic. WHO GOT TIME4THAT?

MERCURY OPPOSITE NEPTUNE can show us a person being pretty good at lying/coming up with lies easily/Quickly. Having no problems with finding "excuses" 4 what they say/do, &can get other people in on it, 2 lie for them as well. It happens in periods tho, like on & off periods.

Asteroids I always look at first: Nemesis - 128) Amor - 1221), Valentine - 447), Alma - 390), Destiny - 6583), Moira - 638), Eros - 433), Karma - 3811), Kama - 1387), Close - 54902), Apollo - 1862), Child - 4580), Compassion - 8990), Angel - 11911), Yes - 7707), Boda - 1487), DNA - 55555), Fast - 27719), Prey - 6157), Not - 2857), Casanova - 7328), Fox - 16248), Savage - 29837), Pholus - 5145), Fanatica - 1589), Priapus - h22), Sado - 118230), Medea - 212), Nessus - 7066), Dejanira - 157), Hazard - 9305), Mentor - 3451), Lysistrata - 897), Bilk - 4425 - using the other person 4 own material gain).

THANKS4READING BEAUTIFUL❤️🍒 Appreciate u, always.

[xitsensunmoon]

Continuing my previous post-

As someone with a tiny grasp of coding, I can never stop thinking about the au where we're not a mechanic, but an IT expert.

The dca is the first animatronic to get infected with this weird bug and both Faz co and the robot themself are aware of it. Sun is mean to us at first because he thinks he and Moon can manage everything on their own Just Fine and they don't need us.

And the fun part is, we actually don't like them either! And for a quite realistic reason nowadays - every technology is created to benefit big corporations and not the public. Big corporations like... Well. Faz co. You, as an IT specialist are aware of it as no one else, seeing how so many features that would benefit the public get scrapped during the development of many of your projects just because it wouldn't Make Money.

And you do think about Sun and Moon just like about those fucking patrolling "robot dogs" that some of the counties want to insert into our society. What if they are just another Al that is created to underpay actual babysitters? To just fire professionals, to cut corners with some raw underdeveloped Al, to not pay for human labour. Maybe they're even some kind of spyware, to figure out employees' and parents' secrets, who knows?

Well. You. You know. Err- correction, you will know. You just need to open their code and find out what is causing the issue. Alongside, find out what exactly this Daycare Attendant is. Or who is?

You're as sceptical about them as they're about you. But bills need to be paid and bugs need to be fixed, a robot dog it is or a daycare attendant. You gotta work together, somehow.

[yellowraincoat]

I wonder sometimes what the L&Co crew did after they aged out of having the sight. Obviously Lucy makes some mention of them helping DEPRAC clear the other side and you can help with that even w/o sight thanks to the Orpheus society, but I don’t imagine they did that forever or even full time.

I’ve actually thought a LOT about what I think they end up doing as adults so… here’s an extremely long post about it:

George’s path is obvious to me. He becomes a foremost voice on the nature of the problem, and he’s able to go to Oxford for university (or the most prestigious UK university still running) on this basis. He gets a degree in history and goes on to a PHD. He then dedicates several years to writing a complete, multi-volume, history of the problem/agencies/corruption/visitors (which will go down in history as THE TEXT about the problem)

… I’ll put the rest under the cut bc this is fr going to be lonnnng

We also know from the existence of Lockwood and Co the books that Lucy at some point metatextually writes a memoir detailing the antics of Lockwood and co. (Which, go off girlboss, she did a great job.) For Lucy’s career path, I imagine that she is a formal DEPRAC partner for a time goes to the other side more than any of her other L&Co colleagues to help out.

This may be a weird take, but I also think that Lucy’s relationship with the Skull and all the weird experiments on ghosts she witnesses lead her to go all GHOST RIGHTS. She campaigns for seeing ghosts differently and repsecting the dead and works to get DEPRAC to create better regulations for how sources are treated when contained and advocates for figuring out how to release them to the other side rather than destroying sources as a first move. Idk I think it suits her relationship to ghosts; she’s definitely more invested in their humanity than other agents.

I don’t think Lockwood would try to hire young agents as a supervisor to keep the agency going after losing his sight. Especially since he’s aware that the problem is fading and considering he’d still have work available through DEPRAC. I think Lockwood spends his first few post-sight years in lots of therapy and takes time off from working since he’s been running a very intense business since he was like 14. I also think he foots the bill for Flo to get a therapist as well.

They’re both able to work through their grief and trauma from the people they’ve lost, Lockwood works through his habit of repressing his feelings, and Flo works through her feelings of being cornered while in doors. Flo eventually moves into Portland Row, and she and George and Lucy and Lockwood spend most of their young adult lives (whole lives if you ask me) living in the same house or living right next door to each other.

As for Lockwood’s actual career path I think Lockwood’s would make it his life’s work to share his parents findings. He spreads the traditional burial practices and ways to ward off ghosts like that Lockwood’s parent’s researched to help people protect themselves from ghosts around the UK as the problem fades.

I don’t know that I see Flo having a real job. I could see her in advocacy for housing insecure youth (we know London has MANY due to the Problem) but I’d also like to see her have a relaxing-ass life. Enjoy therapy and her friends, date George, plant a vegetable garden. Flo’s never cared much about material goods so I could see her working odd jobs here and there to help contribute to Portland Row Expenses, but mostly focus on nonprofit work and political activism while enjoying her life.

I think both Kipps and Holly stay on at Lockwood and co until it permanently disbands, then I imagine they both work to advocate for the rights of former agents in some capacity. If Holly could further her eduction I think she’d work in the legal system, maybe working in administration/research on cases that are attempting to hold leaders of the Orpheus society and high up Fittes and Rottweil people accountable for compensating traumatized former agents. Oh and she asks out that girl from DEPRAC she was living with (and they were roommates oh my god they were roommates)

I think Kipps might (after he’s matured a bit) get involved with a young adult professional development program trying to address all of the former agents and nightwatch kids who forwent education at a young age to hunt ghosts and help them access free education and classes to gain new marketable skills as the ghost hunting industry declines and kids age out of the sight. He also stops beefing with teenagers (so much) and lives out his destiny as surrogate brother/20 year old adopted father to Lucy George and the rest. And he gets himself a husband bc he deserves it 😤

As for the Skull… I’m in the camp that he does return and he occasionally stops by Portland Row to chat with Lucy and pull poltergeists type pranks on the other residents. When Lucy can no longer hear him 🥲 I still think he sticks around for a while, making his presence known by moving objects and helping keep the house cool in the summer (yayyy ghost chill), he also still speaks to Lucy when she does work on the other side with DEPRAC. But eventually, maybe when Lucy’s in her late twenties, the skull feels ready to move on, and Lucy visits to the other side to say good by and help him pass on.

[donnapalude]

i understand the need to treat discussions about louis's faults towards claudia with care, as he is also a victim of domestic abuse and there is a risk of vilifying him by misplacing blame. at the same time, i find the insistence to frame him as a completely constricted individual, deprived of all agency at all times, with no motives driving him apart from terror, quite reductive, as well as a misguided (although maybe well-meaning) attempt to create the image of a perfect victim whose choices need not and cannot be examined as all leading back to complete coercion and lack of options. i take issue with this for two main reasons. first, stating that finding any moral failure or mixed motivations in a victim of domestic abuse would be wrong because it equates to blaming them for the abuse is actually stating that, well, you somehow hold the underlying idea that if they ever behaved less than perfectly they would be less of a victim. second, there is a strong implication that claudia has no real reason to resent him for his behaviour during the years they spent with lestat. which i think is simply not what the narrative is trying to tell us.

i will not even scratch the surface of this discussion, but just as a start. louis has no fault for his own abuse, nor for not being able to magically manage lestat's behaviour towards claudia. lestat's actions are his own responsibility. turning her while knowing she would be subjected to the inarguable difficulties presented by vampirism, her frozen body, and lestat is also not something he is exactly culpable of: the alternative was to let her die. it is however something he became responsible for. simply in the sense that choosing to give birth (or adopt, if you want to follow that analogy) brings a child under your care. which means that, from that moment on, you have power over them and you are responsible for their emotional and physical well-being. you are not in an equal position, not even as co-victims under the same abuser. duties of protections are not erased by abuse, they are just constricted to the options reasonably available.

what does this mean with regard to his actual treatment of claudia? that he could have protected her better from lestat? i think the answer is we actually don't know and neither does he. and this is often true even for victims/parents of victims in real life. it is impossible to reconstruct a retrospective of what choices would have/could have posed a better result. i don't think establishing this serves any point as an unprovable hypothetical. i rather think the point and the crux of his struggles with himself are the movitations that led to his actual choices (or lack thereof). what we know is the following: lestat was abusive and violent towards both louis and claudia, generating a sensible fear towards his reactions and reasonable hesitance to move against or away from him in any way; louis was however also genuinely in love with him, longed for him, and did not want him truly harmed until the very end; and he was also trying to fullfill his own journey of redemption and dreams of a family through claudia; he was extremely reliant on claudia for his mental-stability (another post needed to fully expound on this, which at some point i hope to write); he was genuinely happy that she chose to stick around the family after 105 and encouraged her to help manage lestat's moods to keep the family stable; however, he was also ready to sacrifice that stability for her when she wanted to escape; due to his love, he could not take an active role in the murder of lestat until the last moments and then stopped the burning that would have ensured his death as definitive.

as always, the picture painted is quite complicated. on one hand, the abuse could explain most of louis's actions, if we were to read them summarised on paper. and yet the show goes to the trouble of reconstructing the personal and at times selfish desires that were intertwined with simple fear in leading his choices. what emerges for me is a very normal human truth, which is that it is simply quite rare that we take decisions based on only one motive: our choices are most often the sum of a number of different interests that converge towards a same center. in this case, maintaining a relationship with lestat and keeping the peace by bending and asking claudia to bend around the management of lestat's anger, were reasonable choices to the end of avoiding further violence. and i am sure he had this in mind. but they also happened to fullfill his desire to be close to lestat and to have a full family of his own, as well as the need to find meaning in his vampiric life, which he textually is not able (at this point) to locate in himself. there were moments of actual sacrifice (eg staying behind with lestat when claudia wants to go away to maximise her chances at escaping), that still don't erase he was in love with lestat and to some extent desired his presence throughout. and there were moments where he blatantly choose other interests over claudia (eg impeding her from finishing lestat), that still don't erase he overall ended up siding with her against his own husband/maker.

the question we and louis are left with is: would he have chosen differently if his own wants and needs were not part of the equation or they were pulling him in a different direction? would he have envisioned other solutions? would those solutions have been better? and most importantly: does it matter? well, i think it does and it doesn't. from a perspective of objective causation, we have no way of knowing if louis deciding to, es. idk, stage a murder attempt as soon as claudia was made could have turned out better: maybe lestat would have killed them both immediately! but from a perspective of subjective intention, it's simply evident to me that louis's loyalties and priorities were not really always fixed on claudia as their only center, they were often divided in multiple directions. claudia was in many ways created for him and lestat, and not viceversa. she was loved and important and he made very loving attempts at prioritising her, but that did not always happen. there were moments of generous self-sacrifice and protection. and there were moments where other factors clearly won out. and then there were more moments where all reasonings merged together. and to be able to hold genuine love for and desire a relationship with your child's abuser, is already a betrayal in itself for the child. claudia never had a full ally in that house and everything in her behaviour shows she knew it. which does not mean louis's decisions also amounted to parental abuse. but i see no sense in denying they were still harmful. there are many ways parents harm children without abusing them.

i really don't see the scandal. this is all terribly human to me, there is nothing i find strange in a victim of domestic abuse having personal wants and aspirations informing choices made in response to the abuse or unrelated but taken under it. what makes a victim a victim is not that they have no secondary motivations to stay with, return, or cater to the abuser apart from practical considerations on how to manage the abuse. it is that, regardless of the motivations behind those behaviours, the abuser chooses to utilise his power to control and terrorise and hurt them. the "label" of abuse is assigned to categorize a pattern of behaviours from the abuser, not the victim. if we believe that to be true, there is then no moral threshold that excludes someone from victimisation. and when there are co-victims, even when they are parent and child, nothing displaces the responsibility of the abuse on them. but i don't believe all moral considerations about how we treat each other are eliminated. victims are still people making choices, as limited at they may be. as long as that is true, to consider only motives we deem morally sound as worthy of recognition is both dehumanising and condemning. moreover, to forget that children are still subjected to their parent's choices, even if said parents are being abused, and that they can be harmed by them, is a misconstruction of the power dynamics of the relationship and an erasure of the experiences of child victims in an attempt to salvage those of the parents from judgment.

this discussion is not about generalisations of harmful victim-blaming stereotypes. it's about analysing one single fictional person whose story of parenthood and victimhood is laid out for us. and my bottom line is: louis was not a perfect parent. to recognise that, does not turn him into claudia's abuser and it does not make him any less of a victim. he is just not a "perfect victim". but we know those dont't exist anyway.

[scalingsvt8thusiast]

Skin-deep Chapter 2

summary: The one where you fall for Seungcheol amongst all the protests and insecurities. The one where you don't know that he's fallen for you too.

a/n: I'm still reeling over the fact that people actually liked chapter 1. So originally this was supposed to be part of chapter 1, but I stupidly didn't add it in cause i was worried it would be too long. But anyway, when it's finished i will create a list so its not too confusing :D

The walk to uni wasn’t so bad. The weather was good, birds were out chirping, students chatting happily around you. You felt good after yesterday’s party. Nothing better than watching all your friends get pissed drunk while you were perfectly sober. 

You knew Mingyu wouldn’t make it to class this morning, his parents were visiting next week and he needed to make sure everything that was damaged was replaced and the things that were un-replaceable was fixed. That meant no morning coffee for you since Mingyu normally bought the two of you coffee. While in different courses, the both of you had arranged your classes so that you would have time to meet up in the morning before going into your individual classes. 

Naturally, this lead to many rumours. 

Mingyu was popular because of all his parties and money. It was no secret that Mingyu’s family owned a global hotel chain (which name rhymes with Lariott). He grew up being spoilt by his parents. Them buying him a house when he moved to uni was a good example. On a sensible 5000 square meters, they had built him an olympic sized swimming pool, the largest trampoline you had ever seen, a basketball court and a 10 bedroom mansion. The house was built by some renowned architect and was featured in architectural digest for being a masterpiece. Or that was what you heard.

It wasn’t just Mingyu who was rich, in fact his entire friend group had more money than the Kardashian’s combined. You regularly hung out with Soonyoung whose family owned some phone company in Korea which were the biggest rivals of the phone company with the fruit. Jeonghan and Joshua studied with you in the library. Jeonghan’s parents were some billionaires from Asia, you had no idea what they did, and Joshua’s parents owned some music companies in the US. Which ones? You had no clue. You, Seungkwan and Seokmin attended orchestra together, you were part of the strings section and them in the choir. Seungkwan’s father owned a few of the best law firms globally. Seokmin’s parents were in the rubber business, or something like that. 

People around campus labelled you as the charity case, the girl that Mingyu and his friends took in because they had extra money to spend. Some people called you a gold digger. Some people said you were fucking them for money. The list was endless and you were friendless. Girls didn’t  approach you because they all had the hots for Mingyu and Co. Several guys had tried to pay you to sleep with them, after declining with colourful language, you swore

Did it hurt your self-esteem? Not really, you never really cared for rumours. Sure, Mingyu paid for your coffee every morning, did you try to stop him? Yes, every morning. Does he listen? No. 

Then there was Seungcheol, his family started a tech company that had started growing meteorically when his father became the CEO. Apparently everybody in the world knew his family. He would show up at school with a different car everyday, girls would crowd around him in the hallways (which you found comical) and all the professors in the school sucked up to him thanks to his family’s generous donations. 

Seungcheol’s interest in you was a recent development, he made it his mission to flirt with you every time he was in the same vicinity as you. It was fun but you had to constantly remind yourself that you weren’t special, he treated you the same way he treated other girls.

You weren’t immune to his advances, however. When he smiled at you, you could literally feel your legs turn into jello. When he spoke to you, you felt yourself wanting to continue the conversation just to hear what he had to say with that deep voice of his. It didn’t help that you shared common interests, he was a regular sting instrument player due to his upbringing, he had a penchant for reading journal articles as well as discovering new coffee places each week. Your texting history with Seungcheol’s rivaled that of yours and Mingyu’s and you've known Mingyu since you two were in diapers. 

Everyday you felt yourself getting closer to becoming one of Seungcheol’s hair twirling, pitchy, squeaky zombies. 

When you arrived for class, you sat alone at the corner. Coffee-less. None of your friends took your course, so you spent every class alone. You had tried to make friends at first, but they all ended up asking you to introduce them to Mingyu and Co. When you rejected to help, they would just flat out stop speaking to you. After the first few “friends”, you gave up. 

The professor started droning on about paediatric respiratory conditions and all you could think about is how much you wanted this to end. Throughout the lecture you received dirty looks from some whispering girls as usual. You recognised some of them from the night before, Seungcheol’s squeaky zombies. 

When the professor finally ended his speech (essentially talking to himself the entire time), you packed your bag and bolted out of the room, not wanting to deal with any of those girls. You were surprised to see Seungcheol just by the door. He was leaning against the wall, looking as cool as the devil himself. When he spotted you, he pushed himself off the wall and approached you with a coffee cup in hand. 

“Cheol? What are you doing here?” You said to him while adjusting your laptop bag. 

“You look in need of coffee, doll,” He smiled, holding out the coffee cup. Just as you were about to reach for it, he pulled back. You furrowed your eyebrows, staring at him. 

“Let’s trade,” He said holding an empty hand out, “Your bag for coffee.”

“What?” 

“Your bag first.”

“I-what?” 

“Jesus, princess, you really need coffee,” he pulled your bag off your shoulder with his free hand and pushed the coffee cup into your open palm. You sigh, not wanting to argue with him.

“Cheol, why are you here?” You ask in between sips, allowing yourself to soak up the sweet sweet embrace of coffee. “Thank you by the way.”

“Why not?” He said as his eyes traced your lips, memorising every shape and turn. His heart fluttered from how cute you looked doing the most mundane things like coffee drinking. 

“Cheol.”

“Mingyu told me he wasn’t coming in today so he asked one of us to get you coffee, I came because I wanted to see you. Happy?” He said, looking away at the last bit. “Now come on babe, let’s go.”

“Go where?”

“Do you enjoy questioning me, sweetheart?” 

“Yes.” You smiled at him mischievously, he grinned back at you.

He slung your bag over his shoulder. As the two of you walked, you dart around to try and grab your bag back from him. Amused by your efforts, he resorted to putting an arm around your shoulder, holding your arms down as he lead you to his car. 

The car in question was a black Ferarri Daytona SP3, you only know because people had been talking about it nonstop, that and your brother was a car person. The obvious choice and most sensible option for a uni student. A Ferarri. 

Many students were surrounding the car and snapping pictures, you knew with the way you two were walking you’d probably make the headlines of many group chats along with his car. As the two of you approached, the crowd seemed to part to allow Seungcheol to reach his car. 

“Ok, but seriously where are we going,” You said, squatting down to search for the door handle. How on earth do these doors open?

“Mingyu asked us to go over for food.” Seungcheol said, he softly brush your hand away and pulled the door open for you. The door swung upwards narrowly missing your head. 

You got into the car, carefully, not wanting to scratch the car and pay your entire school fees worth of damages, and as gracefully as possible. Seungcheol smiled fondly, watching you struggle to get into a car so low, he made a mental note to drive you in a higher car next time. 

“How was the party last night?” You said once Seungcheol started driving. 

“It was great, no thanks to you.” He said. He maneuvered through the crowd of students gathered around to admire his car.

Deciding to tease him a little bit more, you raised the pitch of your voice, “But Cheollie~ you had so many girls after you last night.”

“You left me to die,” He turned to give you a pout, “I saved you earlier but you threw me to the wolves.”

Placing a hand over his chest, “You hurt me, baby,” he declared. 

You giggled, finding him cute. When Seungcheol pulled out in Mingyu’s driveway, you noticed that everybody was already there from to the variety of supercars littering the front of the house. 

“Did you end up going home with any of them?” You asked trying to ignore the pang in your heart, you were only half joking right now.

The air shifted. Seungcheol’s expression unreadable, his eyebrows furrowed. “No, why would I?”

“Oh, cause if you did, you would have’ta thank me you know, I was technically your wingwoman.” You joked. 

He sighed, turning off the engine. You turned to open the car door but he reached over and pulled you towards him. You looked at him, his fingers laced with yours. 

“Why would I want any of them when I have you?” 

You tried your best not to take that to heart.

A/N2: Again, i welcome constructive criticisms, or any questions at all, just shoot me a dm or ask or whatever :)

[bidisasterevankinard]

I had this idea about how bucktommy and buddie both can still win if 911 will give us this:

First, I'll star with Eddie. The man with catholic guilt, problems with commitment, the guy who can have sex, but can easily find the reason not to have it and the man who scared to be alone eventually. How i can see Eddie winning? he understand he is demi/ace/aroace and stops trying to date people just because he is scared to be alone. Why he will not stay alone? because he has two friends, two co-parents now: Buck and Tommy

We all know buddie dynamic I shouldn't explain to you how Buck and Eddie created their family and how stayed what way even with all the obstacles. And we all heard no once dating someone you saved it's a recipe for a disaster. But what if buddie are staying platonic Buckley-Diaz family? They are wining. They are unbreakable. They love each other platonically. And they even now Kinard-Buckley-Diaz family.

Now Tommy and Eddie. Two men who easily fall into good friendship based on the shared trauma and interests. And we know Tommy loves how 118 are a family, so why can't he join it, but also joining the little family Buck already has as Buck's new romantic partner? he can

Now Bucktommy. They are romantic love. Each other's last romatic love they were waiting for long and deserve to have. They are a couple who are co-parent Chris with Eddie and are platonic family with Eddie. They are Eddie's friends who will not leave him alone EVER. THEY ARE FAMILY. They love Eddie as a family and a friend

I can see Buck understanding he loved Eddie romantically somewhere in the past but with time his love transformed into platonic and Tommy sees and respects it. he respects Buckley-Diaz family and really ready to enter it to make it bigger. To be new part of it.

So Chris has three father figures who loves him and who loves their dynamic and respect it.

And now just think where in the show you saw a person romantic love with time transform to platonic and they had kids and family and new romantic partner of one of them entered this family, becoming important part of it while loving and respecting their panther's story with their ex-lover and being good fiends, best friends even with said ex-lover? bathena and Michael before David. Buddie already parallel bathena a lot, why they can't again?

Buck is Athena: they loved their ex-lover romatically, but with time it transformed to platonic and they became incredible co-parents and found love in another person

Eddie is Michael: they love their co-parent, but they never romantically loved them. But they love their family, their kids, their co-parent and they respect and love as a family new romantic partner. And they are welcome this partner in the family. they even make sure their co-parent tries to be happy with this person, that they will give this relationships a chance (2x1 and 7x5)

Tommy is Bobby: a person who needs and wants new family and from the start knows he enters a FAMILY with kids in the game but they are ready

So yeah 911 can actually keep bucktommy and buddie and give representation of ace/aroace/ demi person with QPR buddie and romantic bucktommy and friendship between Tommy and Eddie.

They can be family

[sepublic]

It's really surprising to think about it, but it occurred to me that throughout the entire show, amidst all of her accomplishments, we technically never see Luz make a single human friend. This obviously doesn't count her parents, who are blood relations and (should be) friends by default. And it's not as if Luz didn't try, she quite explicitly did, although her attempts were dismissed by everyone else.

I don't think this is really a bad thing at all for Luz, because she has plenty of witch and demon friends, after all, and there's no meaningful existential distinction between humans and the Demon Realm's inhabitants by the end of the day, contrary to what others might claim. Likewise, there's the pretty obvious implication given by Yesterday's Lie that Luz could've made friends at the Reality Check camp, given how well Masha and co. resonated with Vee there and managed to retain their identities.

There's also those two kids (whom I named Mike and Bridget after the crew members they were based on) that invited Luz to the Halloween hayride, although Luz obviously had too much on her mind at the moment to be receptive. I wonder if Luz ever became properly acquainted with them once she started healing during the time skip, as the existence of the Earth and Demon Realm exchange program suggests that other humans have also been introduced to the Boiling Isles.

It's implied that Luz grew distant with Masha and co. after taking Vee's place, on account of technically having never been close to them to begin with; And like with those two kids that invited her, I suspect it had to do with Luz's trauma and the awkwardness of secrets creating a gap between them, in addition to Luz needing to help her friends adjust to Gravesfield. Under other circumstances Luz would've been eager to embrace her fellow weirdoes, but with her guilt over everything (including depriving Vee of her friends, I imagine) it just wasn't the time.

Again, I find the introduction of Masha and co. to be really effective because I think it rattles Luz's sense of self by making her question her decision to stay in the Boiling Isles; Because seeing Vee and her friends just suggests to Luz that maybe the Reality Check camp could've worked out, and she'd have been able to get friends without having to lie to, hurt, and be separated from her mother in the process. Which makes Luz second-guess herself, and in addition to Camila making her promise to stay, causes Luz to begin mistakenly regretting her decisions.

But as we all know, if Luz DID go to the camp, so many terrible things including genocide would've been allowed to happen without her, and so many people would've continued suffering. And she also got to live out her dream of being a witch, which you can't really blame her for attempting when she got the opportunity. What happened already happened and it's not as if Luz can be blamed for it, because how could anyone anticipate the chain of events, and ignore others who certainly did much more, with actual malice, to contribute to the trauma? Luz had to see things the whole way through and she did; Choosing herself helped others, it didn’t hurt them like Luz thought!

Anyhow, it's basically canon that Vee got to reconnect with Masha and co., and more than likely reveal her true nature and history, especially with Gus leading an exchange program she’s part of. So I like to think Luz DID make human friends in Masha and co., as well as the two who invited her to their hayride; I love how they seem to lowkey adore Luz as a fellow weirdo, and tbh, it's not as if Luz needs human friends when she already has human connections, because witches and demons are no less 'real' in terms of being people and all.

But it'd be nice if Luz ultimately found it reassuring, the realization that there were weirdoes in Gravesfield like her, and that she could've been friends with them; Especially if it did happen anyway because Luz chose both worlds and not just one. My point being, we need a lot more content with Luz meeting Vee's friends, and especially hanging out with Mike and Bridget, since we actually saw human strangers like Luz for being Luz!!! They’re canonically fans of Luz from her chaotic reputation (not the one Vee made) and were curious to see if she’d do a crazy costume again like last Halloween!!! And their existence reassures viewers that they needn’t go to another realm entirely to find weirdoes like them, because they exist right here on this Earth!!!

[lover-of-mine]

The funniest part to me is even IF Tim had planned on “breaking the Buddie shippers hearts” there’s 0 chance he would give that away to anyone. He knows that a huge number of people tune in for that will they won’t they dynamic. Plus if a BT “I love you” in 8b was really happening they would feel secure…not attacking Ryan.

Here's the thing, objective point of view, coming from me as a writer not a shipper. After the cemetery scene, the show added a lot of space between Buck and Eddie, so much so that we spent a solid amount of time during the last hiatus wondering how they would bridge that in canon, I actually hit a moment of speculation at some point wondering if the plan wasn't to separate their storylines permanently because the opportunity was right there. So "breaking the buddie shippers hearts" could've been very easy to write during season 7. You make Eddie and Marisol real solid, maybe even introduce Buck's bisexuality and give him a boyfriend and drift them apart. But they opened season 7 saying distance? what distance? how about we use this episode that reintroduces dynamics to let everyone know Buck is Eddie's co-parent with all the letters and pretend we didn't create a gap last season? Then we have 704, if the goal was just giving Buck a boyfriend and stir him away from Eddie for real, Eddie wouldn't be as tied to the narrative as he was. They would've made Buck reach out himself, not go batshit insane over Eddie hanging out with his crush. After making it clear to the audience that T and Eddie have similar interests and making Buck act the way he did during Under Pressure, establishing that's how Buck acts when he has a crush and forcing you to reevaluate the way Buck reacts to Eddie at first. Then you have Eddie inviting Marisol to move in and Buck and T going on their first date. Again, they could've made that the "breaking buddies heart" episode, establish that Eddie loves Marisol, make Buck and T THE perfect love-at-the-sight relationship. But what they actually did was make Eddie crash the date, T leave Buck on the curb, Eddie has literal erectile dysfunction about his girlfriend, Buck is more worried about lying to Eddie than being walked out on, and both Buck and Eddie were ready to hide in the loft forever and actually only go back to their respective love interests because the other told them to. Then we have the bachelor party. They could've had Buck and T be all lovey-dovey and Eddie be the odd man out. Again, this is a story, T having to work is a writing choice that works to get him out of the bachelor party AND the wedding. But what actually happens is T doesn't dress up even though they make a point of letting us know how much effort Buck put into the situation, then they make a point of showing us Eddie suggesting matching costumes right after. They make a point of showing us Buck and Eddie getting drunk and stupid, then make a point having Eddie with Buck while Buck helps make things easier for Maddie while they look for Chim. Then they didn't let T be at the actual wedding ceremony. Then Eddie meets a copy of his dead wife and the show makes a point of showing us Eddie lying to Buck about it. Not Eddie's girlfriend. Buck. Then the show made a point of panning the camera from Buck to Eddie. Then, Buck had plans with T that he immediately dropped because he realized something was off about Eddie. An Eddie who immediately gives up his second girlfriend after Buck calls him out on it. Eddie calls Buck for help and Buck is just there no matter what he needs. Then somehow Buck is everywhere while Chris is leaving and no one questions it. Not even Eddie's parents. Buck is there every step of the way to support Eddie and Chris. That scene could've had Pepa or Abuela. Both people we've seen stand up for Eddie before. But no, Buck is the family Eddie needed at that moment. But somehow, I'm supposed to believe that means nothing because of that weird ass dinner when bt hasn't even held hands since the kiss in 706? Oh, be fucking for real. Buck and Eddie are somehow more intertwined now than they have ever been. After they were presented with THE perfect opportunity to separate them. Unless something awful happens, they are not dropping buddie.

And, honestly, yeah, if they are so secure because an "I love you" is coming, then why THE FUCK are they attacking Ryan??????

[feanoryen]

Elven tattoo headcanons

I think tattoos will never be fully permanent for elves, they fade every hundred years, maybe they'll last a few hundred if your ink is of the highest quality & your tattoo artist is exceptional. It's not a flaw with the tattoos that they're never permanent permanent, elven biology just doesn't allow for it.

Miriel, being brilliant with a needle as ever & Finwe, who was a patron of the arts, invented tattoos in Cuiviénen.

Most of the Minyar weren't so fond of them but they were appreciated by several of the Tatyar & Nelyar.

It started out as Finwe just… painting on himself & his GF because why not? He started out using henna commonly used by his friend Elwe & the Teleri but he liked color so then he & Miriel decided to be ✨experimental✨ & *boom* tattoos! He developed the ink & she learned how to work a needle in skin.

Finwe has one on his back that Miriel did right before she got pregnant with Feanor that he never let anyone touch it up after she died even though it was fading, until Feanor got older and asked for his dad’s permission to do it himself.

Miriel used to have a tattoo on her back as well like Finwe’s but she didn’t get it redone after getting reembodied. She also used to have a few on her arms and legs and was overall quite bohemian before what happened, happened. She doesn’t regret co-creating tattoos but they don’t fit her anymore.

Feanor has 1 segmented tattoo along his collarbone. He has 2 stars about an inch tall/wide closest to his heart representing his parents, a slightly smaller but almost as big one near them representing himself, and seven even smaller ones trailing his left collarbone representing his sons.

Nerdanel doesn’t have tattoos, she’s chill if her kids want them but they’re personally not for her.

Fingolfin doesn’t have any for several reasons, they don’t fit him, he’s half Vanya & they’re not really into tattoos, & they were partially invented by Feanor’s mother so it’s weird. Findis doesn’t have any for the same reasons.

Finarfin despite also being half Vanya & closer to that side of his family than Fingolfin, is actually open to them despite not having any yet. He just does not gaf about what other people think.

Earwen has a ton of aesthetically pleasing sea themed motifs on her body.

Fingon has an eagle tattoo.

Maedhros has the star of Feanor tattooed on him but that’s it.

Maglor has a bunch of well put together gorgeous tattoos including both music motifs and symbols honoring his family like the Feanorian star and something for Elrond & Elros as well. They fade after he starts wandering the shores but he gets most of them redone in Valinor.

Celegorm used to have tattoos symbolizing Orome’s hunt but he lets all of them fade away in middle earth. If he ever joined the hunt again after getting reembodied, I imagine he only ever got 1 more tattoo symbolizing Orome. He’s accepted a part of his old life again but it’s not going to be the same.

Aredhel has a bow & arrow tattoo.

Curufin also has the star the Feanor & that’s it.

Caranthir used to have some in the equivalent of his teenage years but cringes looking back at them. They didn’t actually look bad at all and were quite nice but he just gives off the impression of someone who’d be unimpressed with his old self. He has none now.

Amrod & Amras get whatever they’re feeling whenever they’re feeling and change up their tattoos every couple centuries.

Galadriel has none because she thinks Feanor would feel smug if she did get them & she can’t let him be satisfied. (She loves henna though!)

Finrod has a bunch of different motifs representing all 3 of the clans that make up his heritage.

[crushedsweets]

What were Liu and Jeff like before everything went down?

jeff was always a bit of a trouble maker in school, and was very quickly assigned a sort of 'problem child' image. started with him being chatty and playing too rough, so teachers would punish/blame him for things he didnt do. eventually he fit the mold they created, till he was a straight up ruthless bully.

meanwhile, liu was sort of the golden child. good grades, in sports, got awards, had friends, etc etc. he was gentle, polite, all of that. filled with so much love and potential and excitement for the world, and for his brother.

they both had really good parents, too. big house, big extended family, golden retriever, parents loved them both a loooot, it was mostly the way teachers/peers treated jeff that started to define him. theres only so much a good family can do . . . and when he DID become an actual menace, his parents got a bit scared of him. if jeff demanded something, they gave in. punishments were rarely enacted in fear of a violent outburst, only further feeding into his 'king of the world' mindset.

liu was the only one who argued back with jeff, and it was the only reason jeff respected him (to an extent). they would bicker and fight a lot, but jeff would still come to liu to play video games. liu would pester jeff about his homework, and jeff MIGHT actually listen to him. they'd roughhouse and play baseball in the backyard and watch movies and pull pranks and the sort. it felt like liu was the only person who saw some hope in jeff. when everyone else disregarded him as hopeless or scary, liu would be right there, telling jeff he expects him to go to college, make a good life for himself, etc...

it wasn't until jeff started being violently stalked and harassed by randy and co that things really got bad between them. when liu took the fall for the stabbing and went to juvie for a while, jeff got terrible. he began to get physically violent with his parents, constantly scream at them, break their things, throw shit, etc. so when liu came back and watched jeff shove their mom to the ground, he kinda lost it.

they'd start getting into physical fights as well, and all of liu's attempts to reconnect were futile. whoever he was living with wasn't his little brother anymore.

[houseofbrat]

Have it on good authority that Angelina was known as crazy at the UN by many of the staff members, and the actual reason she left is because she demanded to be made a Diplomat instead of Goodwill Ambassador and gave them an ultimatum, make me a Diplomat or I will leave. They said no, and she left.

Angelina has such a long history of using her children in the press I can't believe more people aren't critical of this.

Not taking away from what a nightmare Brad is, obviously he sucks.

Thank you for bringing this up. I have heard similar things from friends working in international aid organizations often contracted to work with the UN. Also, remember all of the press and accolades she received due to her association with William Hague and how they created an Initiative for violence against women in conflict zones? It was basically abandoned shortly after its creation. Granted Hague retired so she shouldn’t shoulder the entire blame, but considering Angelina continues to receive special treatment as an actress who isn’t like the rest of Hollywood — sHe AcTuAlLy CaReS — I find it astounding that this has had no impact on her. If she needed to take a step back due to family or health issues, that’s okay! It doesn’t take a lot to do a handoff to other (more qualified and capable!) individuals and cut a check and continue to support with fundraising. But to have an independent governmental body say that you’re “letting down survivors” due to your inaction or lack of interest is absolutely something that deserves attention.

Here’s a Guardian article which gives a great summary: https://amp.theguardian.com/global-development/2020/jan/09/letting-survivors-down-criticism-for-william-hague-angelina-jolie-sexual-violence-in-war-zones-scheme

And here’s the report: https://icai.independent.gov.uk/psvi/

Also have it on good will that when she visited the Houses of Parliament she was a diva nightmare from hell, so there’s that too

Her move to the UN was motivated by public relations. She contacted them and pitched that she be a representative for Unicef, the UN agency that provide humanitarian aid children. The UN said no. Her image at that point wasn't what the UN wanted associated with children. So she ended up working for refugees.

Not surprised by this at all. I knew a few people who did international aid work in various places and Jolie was well known as a opportunistic fake who came, took pictures, and then returned to her 5 star hotel.

I know someone who knew Brad and AJ in similar circles and his biggest takeaway is how very “not bright” they both are.

I’ve posted about this before and most people don’t believe me but that’s ok .. Brad wanted the kids to be disciplined, in school, not be spoiled - and Angelina wanted to be their bestie, buying whatever they wanted and letting them do whatever they wanted. Now she just talks shit about him, brainwashing them into to believing he’s the devil. He’s not perfect by any stretch, but from what I know, she’s way worse than what is presented in the media. Very manipulative, calculating and nasty. Source: I’m an almost 60 year old woman who used to work in the entertainment industry and still have many friends in their circle.

Everything you say! I have two solid sources who are a-list and one of them works with her, the other share a team member. Shes a menace. Im team no one but their kids but truly she is dangerously manipulative. Perfect example she paid someone to build her fashion line, promised them co-creator credit and when it was time for it to be debuted in Vogue, called the editor and specifically said don’t name the main designer. The main designer found it and when confronted Angelina continuously denied and eventually pretended it didn’t even happen. Shes not all there. Source: been in industry for two decades and around these two quite a bit

This is essentially what I had heard as well. He had a more traditional approach to parenting, like set bedtimes, cooked family meals together, time-outs when the kids acted up, asking them to do their share of chores, etc. and she just didn’t believe in any of it. It was a constant source of friction. He was supposedly really unhappy that the kids ate a lot of junk and fast food as their meals. And yes, when things tanked between them, she worked on them to alienate them from him.

I used to work in the executive offices at Warner Bros in the late 00’s and this absolutely tracks with everything I heard about them from the other assistants and receptionists.

That seems like her PR spin though. I’ve heard (from reliable sources) that her refusal to set any kind of boundaries or discipline of any kind with the children was the main issue between them and ultimately was the match in the powder keg of the ugly airplane incident. Her older kids especially have no respect for authority. He wanted more structure and discipline. Now they are *gasp “troubled.” Who could have foreseen it? He “lunged at” the oldest kid (who is also “troubled” now) and Angelina jumped on his back. Not his best moment for sure but he doesn’t have a history of violence. Since then he’s been sober for eight years.

[keeper-of-gates]

i really like how chapter 3 is just literally saying that "hey, dead kids. traumatic events happened here and the effects are still here" by literally showing you the horrors through the auditory and the physicality of what chapter 3 has to offer.

Chapter 1 gave us a "yeah, something happened" but nothing substantial to grasp on other than what remains of posters and vhs tapes. Chapter 2 managed to at least expand on the orphan program by introducing the games station and it's true purpose of progression of tests on the mind through child-friendly means. Even the literal videos mob ent. gave us only a small bit of information about what happened before the Hour of Joy, such as the consent of a terminally ill worker being put into a toy.

Chapter 3 just gives us the bigger scale on everything the game gave us as snacks.

We see empty beds, empty cots, picture frames of children whose fates are left between 2-3 outcomes with one with them actually being adopted before even being pulled from the choice altogether simply because they had the ability to be good at reacting to colours. We see an actual system on how these children get treated and how everything works, from the titual nanny in Home Sweet Home, to the teachers of the school to even the scientists overviewing everything.

We know that actual adoptions do take place also, even if the potential parent/s are just the employees. But we know that Playcare's purpose isn't that straightforward, because the children are monitored as potential candidates for the experiments and are picked with the reason being that they're "sick" to whoever asks, child or otherwise.

And it appears that most of the workers in playcare are left in the dark, much like the factory workers if the woman who was left to care for a certain room of children was absolutely distraught of one child getting a nightmare to the point where the child had to be taken away and has to be interviewed by a person who seems to not be in the same emotional wave about the ordeal in the first place. Any mention of the children directly in both the interview and the report seems to call them directly, affectionately or otherwise, son or daughter, either from overattachment or as a professional act.

The experiments themselves are the unwilling second hand, created as sentient, yet obedient tools for entertainment, care and labour by any unfortunate human chosen, and it is obvious that Playtime Co, shown in teasers, aren't really picky when it comes to it. I even have doubts that they only use one singular person, child or adult, alone to create a bigger body considering how, y'know, big they are.

Playtime Co. literally died from the inside during the Hour of Joy, when the toys finally had enough. Exactly how many people died is unknown but in comparison to death in any medium, watching it in game as the toys the player faced had killed everyone who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, with no one surviving and being taken into consideration. were they considered missing? Did anyone try to investigate everything? or did it all get swept under the rug by whoever was still alive and representing the company?

Then, the decade after everything, it still continued. Soon there was no food. factions started to form between factory floors, with each territory and domain being barren of mercy and food. Any toy was fair game in consideration. Even if that fair game was who you considered your own kin or your friends.

I think Poppy Playtime is getting closer to breaking the mascot horror mould that Fnaf had set in stone for nearly a decade. Would that be good or better for the market? I'm not sure, but at least, it's going to be part of the pillar that will be looked back on.

[kaija-rayne-author]

Would you recognize an autistic or ADHD person if you saw one?

What about an autistic or ADHD fictional character?

Many of y'all will say, of course.

And you'll be wrong.

I'm not talking to hatched autistics and ADHDers. We can usually spot others like us and autistic/ADHD coded characters in fiction.

Definition: A 'hatched' autistic or ADHDer is someone who knows they're one or the other or both, AND they understand and accept that pretending to be neurotypical is bad for us.

It actually kills us, so, yeah, bad. The leading causes of death for autistics is unaliving or heart attack from the stress of living in a world that was most certainly not created for us. In some ways, this world is antithetical to us.

We also experience the stress of what's known as 'masking'.

Our average age of death is 36 years old. Think about that for a second. 36. And the rates of unaliving in autistic and ADHD kids is utterly obscene. The suicide watch for parents of autistic kids starts at 8 years old. 8.

(I don't say this for everything, but self-diagnosis is absolutely valid for autism and ADHD. In a world where people can still be institutionalized or lose their kids because of an autism diagnosis--this is fact for Britain and several US states. France is awful for autistics-- self diagnosis must be valid so we can figure ourselves out without endangerment.)

Masking is where a traumatized autistic (and I've also never met or even heard about an untraumatized autistic/ADHDer) will create a, persona, almost, that lets us function in the world.

It's rarely intentional, my youngest son started masking at 4 in pre-kindergarten because he wanted other kids to like him and want to play with him. Even though our home is very supportive of diversity, especially about autism and ADHD, y'all... he was *4*.

Being autistic and/or ADHD is so damned lonely. Especially if you don't know why you're different. So we do our best to adapt. That can cause issues.

Masking isn't meant as a lie. It's survival instinct. Because even though the world absolutely doesn't treat us like we're human beings, we still are. We want to survive and thrive as much as the next hominid. We have all the same needs and desires as any other human.

But what about the rest of all y'all? Can you recognize us?

Last week, a music teacher banned a 6 year old autistic kid from the school concert because 'they would ruin the experience for the other children' this is after making the autistic kid learn and practice the songs for weeks. 6 years old and that kid already has scars from discrimination about a genetic condition he can't help. It's cruel and so damned inhumane. At worst, the kid probably sang off key and maybe fidgetted a bit. But that would 'ruin' the concert. It's not the Estonian Philharmonic Chamber Choir, lady, it's an elementary school concert. It's absolutely not worth scarring that poor kid over. It also happened back in 2022, and again in 2017.

People will have seen 'Atypical' or 'The Good Doctor' or, gods forbid, Rainman and think they know what autistic people look like. (You should probably know that the majority of autistics loathe those shows because the rep is so bad.)

But here's the thing.

You can't see autism or ADHD. Not just by looking at us. It's purely a brain wiring difference. People don't even believe me when I tell them I am if they've seen me in person. And I'm professionally diagnosed as both autistic & ADHD.

Sometimes, there are co occurring issues, like intellectual disability, that are confused with autism, but they aren't actually the autism or ADHD part of things.

I'm an autistic and ADHD advocate. I have a consultant option on my Patreon for people who want advice either for themselves or so they do the right thing by their kids. I'm autistic/ADHD, my kids are too. I've been researching and learning about the topic for close to a decade at this point. I truly know what I'm talking about. I understand the different flavours and experiences of these two types of neurodivergency extremely well.

As an aside, while I have you here, ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) is never the right thing. You know how gay conversion therapy is bad? The same person (Ivar Lovass) came up with ABA, and it's meant to do the same thing. To torture people, most often children, into pretending to be what someone else wants them to be. It doesn't support or help the autistic person.

Almost unilaterally, ABA causes a PTSD breakdown of self coming into our 30s. I say almost, but I've never even heard of an autistic person who has been tortured by ABA who hasn't developed severe PTSD.

If you tried to use the methods used in ABA on a dog, you'd be guilty of extreme animal cruelty.

Yet, because it's practiced on human children, it's fiiiiine. Big money lobbying has even made it so that ABA 'therapy' is the only one covered by a lot of insurances.

We can thank Autism $peaks for that. They are a hate group. They fit every bit of the definition of one and then some. (So please don't donate to them at the till. They love to pollute stores like Toys 'R' Us.)

Adult autistics have been speaking out against them forever. But since most autistics (80%) are under or unemployed, we don't have the kind of financial sway we'd need to get rid of them. Yes, this even counts for 'the new ABA'.

You can't save ABA. Putting a 2 year old human child through 40 hours weekly of 'training' so that they can look and act neurotypical is just flat out torture. Making a child 'extremely hungry or thirsty' so that they will do what you want is torture. There's just no other way to slice that apple. It's rotten to the core.

But back to my point.

Recently, someone disagreed with my opinion on a fictional character. I feel the character is autistic/ADHD coded, the other person disagreed.

That's cool. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. And it's fiction, whatever. I'm not mad or upset. (I'm slightly insulted, because if you're not autistic/ADHD, [and a comparison they suggested made me think they definitely weren't] it's definitely not your place to disagree with one of us who says a character is autistic/ADHD coded. It's disrespectful and more than a little ableist. Simply because so many people have the completely wrong idea about both conditions.)

Regardless, the important part for a fictional character is that a person was able to see themselves in the character, to empathize with them. So it's not a big deal.

But it got me thinking about this.

Would most people recognize the subtle signs? They're almost always extremely subtle.

Ever hear of 'resting bitch face'? It's an incredibly common autistic trait because we either emote less or we emote differently than neurotypicals. In our world, it's known as 'flat face effect'. I have it, and I've been harmed many times because it looks like I'm pissed off even when I'm having a good time or I'm just deep in thought. I've got a firey temper, trust me when I say you'll know it when I'm pissed off.

So. You see a character (or even a person) who doesn't emote a lot? Or emotes extremely subtly? Wellll... that's a good clue.

So, X fictional character (or person) has odd or esoteric knowledge or hobbies. That's a good clue.

Are they nerdy or geeky in some way?

Most autistics and many ADHDers experience what's known as hyperfixation on special interests. Ever see someone get so fascinated by a topic or skill or activity that they get lost in it?

Forget to eat or drink?

Learn to do an obscure craft just because they wanted to know how it's done? That person is likely autistic or ADHD or both. It applies to fictional characters too.

Are they stand-offish? Many of us are for various reasons. One is that we're trying to figure out the 'rules' of wherever and whoever we're with.

Why all y'all insist on staring creepily at each others eyeballs is beyond me. I find it either too intimate, painfully so, or just ridiculous.

That quiet character (or person) who warms up slowly? There's a hint.

Another reason we tend to be cool with strangers is that ever present trauma thing. So many autists and ADHDers get to the point in life where we just don't have it in us anymore to keep trying to make social connections. A very common trait of both autism and ADHD is a lack of understanding of neurotypical social rules. And trust me, y'all have them.

Does the character or person fidget? Either subtly or more obviously?

It's called stimming. I had to learn to do it unobtrusively, so I'll suck air through my teeth (my dentist isn't impressed by this), circle my pointer finger around my thumb, tap the pad of each finger on my thumb in a rhythm, count silently to myself... the list is probably endless. I intentionally leave the cuticles on my thumbs rough, because I often rub the forefinger or ring finger of that hand over the rough cuticle as a stim.

Maybe they rotate their ring around a finger?

Play with their hair?

Stimming is something that calms us down and helps us regulate our emotions. (It's also one of the first things ABA robs us of. It's called 'quiet hands'.) It's really bad to deprive an autistic or ADHDer of stimming.

I used to click the button on a pen so much that I banned myself from having clicky pens because of how annoying it can be to others.

There are healthy stims and unhealthy ones. (Head banging is an example of an unhealthy stim.)

So a character or person who is just, always moving somehow? There's a hint. Or they're rhythmically moving a body part? Tapping fingers? Wiggling a foot or leg? Fussing with their clothing? Rocking?

Is the character or person 'a walking encyclopedia'? In other words, do they know a lot of information about either one or two topics or about many topics?

That character (or person) is often stereotyped as being a computer genius who can make any computer work just by looking at it for a few minutes. But it can honestly be any topic or combination of topics. That's another clue.

Many autists are almost hard wired to be painfully honest. Unless we've been traumatized into it, we tend to be shitty liars. I'm, unfortunately, a very good liar. It's not something I choose to do, because I don't want my trauma to change something so innate to me as my honesty. I had to learn to lie to survive. I don't recommend it.

Does the person or character truly believe in things like honour? Justice? Mercy? Peace? (Many neurotypical people will call these things social lies that keep the world working.) I'm talking a bone deep belief in honour etc. Are they a shitty liar?

I think I've blathered enough for now. I want to make it clear that I don't speak for all autistic and ADHD folks. I'm just one person attempting to share some of the more common traits with whoever wants to read about it.

A final thought.

Nothing can make someone autistic or ADHD. It's a genetic condition. Which is why so many parents find out they're autistic or ADHD when their kids are diagnosed. It's not more prevalent now, it's just that more people are learning about the actual parameters of it. Diagnosis is easier now than 50 years ago. It's been around since ancient Egypt and probably evolved as a way to keep the clan safe in prehistoric times.

We often have heightened senses. Sometimes we have what I call 'predator vision' which sounds awful but just means that my gaze is automatically drawn to movement. Our sleep cycles are also commonly very different than a neurotypical's. We probably ended up being people who would take night watch, stare at the stars for hours, or warn people when food has gone off so no one eats it.

I think we evolved right alongside neurotypicals because we're both needed for a successful society.

Many, many of the world's famed thinkers/creators are considered to have likely been autistic/ADHD based on records about them.

These people include:

Leonardo DaVinci

Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni

Nikolai Tesla

Albert Einstein

Thomas Jefferson

Charles Darwin

Emily Dickinson

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

William Butler Yeats

Vincent Van Gogh

Benjamin Franklin

People who are autistic or ADHD these days that you may not expect?

Dan Ackroyd

Darryl Hannah

Anthony Hopkins

Jerry Seinfeld

Eminem

Courtney Love

David Byrne

Wentworth Miller

Satoshi Tajiri (creator of Pokemon)

There are also many, many people who have shown autistic or ADHD traits and haven't confirmed or it's impossible to confirm because they're deceased and we don't have the right records.

It's considered a massive faux pas to assign a diagnosis of anything to a living human being. So everyone living I've listed has in some way confirmed it. There are many, many other people (especially in creative industries or hobbies) I believe are likely one or the other, but I wouldn't label. That's for them to do.

If you enjoyed this or learned something and you can, please consider a tip or becoming a Patron. My work of words is my only income.

Every historical person is just a 'likely' because we'll never actually know. All we can do is point at the exhibited traits via records and say, probably.

[tallerthantale]

What Does Aziraphale Actually Believe Part 10: Returning to Heaven

If you are currently avoiding Good Omens content right now because of the allegations against Neil Gaimen, (which I personally find both credible and damning) consider jumping to the end note rather than skipping this post.

This is a series of my takes on what Aziraphale believes through the timeline of the show. It is all my personal interpretation, and I am happy to hear others. You don’t need to read them all in order, but know that I am coming from a perspective on Aziraphale’s machinations that can be difficult for people without a psychology background to follow without the first two as a primer. The quick version is that Aziraphale has a set of beliefs that exist in some form or another within his mind. However, at any given moment, only some of them exist ‘with awareness.’ The context of the moment will determine what lives on the surface and what stays buried outside of Aziraphale's experience of consciousness, whatever arrangement best prevents a threat to Aziraphale’s sense of self and makes whatever he is inclined to do feel right.

Season Two Begins

Aziraphale is still not really acting like someone who rebelled against heaven. He's imagining himself as having a polite dispute with his colleagues, they just don’t send him on missions anymore and don't want his reports. As far as he sees it, the library is still an embassy (independent), and he is still a representative of God (independent). He is trying to maintain a semblance of the habits and routines he had when he was avowed by heaven, the familiarity is comforting, but there are limits to how much of it he can recreate. Some of what he’s missing he gets from Crowley, giving him reports instead. 

The sword of Damocles dropped, and Aziraphale remains ethereal. In many ways both he and Crowley are free to give up their tendencies to live double lives, but old habits die hard. During the lockdown, Aziraphale doesn’t want Crowley moving in, it doesn’t feel right yet. Crowley still feels a theoretical obligation to perform acts of demonic influence, even though he doesn’t actually want to. They have over 6000 years of earthly lived experience pushing themselves to go through the motions, and 4 years of something like freedom. They spent almost three times the time raising the wrong antichrist to write rude words on a description of a dinosaur. 

Aziraphale has the tools he needs to create a belief that he and Crowley can carve out a life together, but he is still sorting out the details. We start to see it in ‘our car’ and the implied ‘our shop.’ The ‘our car’ was presumptuous, and Aziraphale does take Crowley’s willingness to cave for granted in ways that are concerning, but there are some points of context that add depth to it. 1) Crowley actively enjoys complaining about things he isn't really bothered by and they both know it. 2) Bentley is sentient, and clearly considers Aziraphale a co-parent. 3) Aziraphale claiming Bentley as a joint asset seems to have prevented demons from entering uninvited.

I do think The Ball was Aziraphale's version of a confession, hoping they would dance, and talk things through as they danced. It’s not the best plan, because there are a ton of built up conversations they need to have with each other that are going to be hard to do with a room full of people as a backdrop. Even so, it could have been starting point for those conversations. He really is trying to make something happen, and he’s going at the preparations full steam while Crowley is still in ‘it’s not like that’ mode. I read Crowley's confusion as him personally being veeery asexual, and assuming all along that Aziraphale was the same. IMO, he was completely oblivious to possibility that Aziraphale could be comparatively allo, though there are many open interpretations.

The big jumps forward with Aziraphale’s understanding of his relationship to Crowley, the universe, humanity, and the world do not erase his older beliefs. They add to his options. As we get to the end of Season 2, he’s got a lot of options. As I went into at the start of this rambling mess, in a way Aziraphale still believes everything he has ever believed, no matter how self contradictory that gets. Some things are just deeper in storage than others. That said, I think we can talk about what his recently active beliefs are through the modern events of Season 2. In my opinion, this is where things stand in the mind of Aziraphale:

Angels are aligned with good in the abstract, demons with evil in the abstract, and they imperatively should act in accordance with that, even if often they descriptively don’t. 

This follows metaphysical (ethereal / occult ) categories, not professional roles, and therefore still applies to both Aziraphale and Crowley.

Crowley would be better off free of the obligation to be up to no good, and no longer being professionally a demon hasn’t done the trick.

God felled Crowley as a deliberate injustice in service of a bigger picture plan.

God plays games, but in the service of a greater good, and heaven ought to be aligned with Her purpose. Heaven is currently failing in that obligation.

Aziraphale still thinks he can intuit God’s will and is mostly aligned with it. 

Heaven is being run by angels that are out of line with God’s will, but they retain their angelic nature because they are too ignorant to be responsible for their failings.

He was able to successfully convince Gabriel and Beelzebub to cancel the war.

The institution of heaven is powerful enough to crush them both if diplomacy fails.

The bookshop and car are mutually owned by him and Crowley. Their earthly existence is for them both to share, and they mutually committed to defending it.

Aziraphale and Crowley’s life on earth is unprotected under heaven’s current leadership.

Aziraphale and Crowley are the only celestials with actual knowledge of good and evil.

Having that knowledge incurs a heavy moral responsibility to choose good.

Crowley chooses good more reliably than Aziraphale does.

All of these play into the Final Fifteen.

Angelic Status

I believe for most of their time on earth, Aziraphale has stopped just short of pursuing a proper courtship with Crowley because of their professional and existential positions on ‘opposite sides.’ By the end of the botched executions, the professional role wasn’t an excuse anymore, but in the lockdown special he still wouldn’t let Crowley move in. The existential ‘sides’ still mattered. By the Start of modern Season 2, I think he finally let that go. He was finally ready to fully not care that Crowley was a demon. That doesn’t mean they were actually on the same page about it conceptually though.

Aziraphale has pretty consistently struggled to understand Crowley’s demonic status the way Crowley would see it. While to Crowley it is his assumed identity, and his former angel self is like a deadname, (or my favorite term for it, his ‘cis-sona’) Aziraphale understands Crowley to be suffering unjustly under the temporary state of being currently classified as a demon. Yes, there are many ways this is enormously dismissive of Crowley and insensitive to Crowley. But that isn’t all that it is. Aziraphale doesn’t think the fall was right, and he never did. Sure, that's like, a baseline expectation for having compassion for Crowley, but the implications for how Aziraphale sees things are huge. 

There are a few options for how Aziraphale can process this opinion that he can roll through. I think sometimes he blames himself. Sometimes he just avoids thinking about it. Sometimes he thinks Crowley will just spontaneously go back to being an angel again, like it was a clerical error. Most of the time though, I think it’s about God playing games putting together the Ineffable Plan. Aziraphale has been no stranger to God allowing injustices, he considers the greater good, the end game. 

If God is playing a game unfairly casting Crowley out, perhaps it’s to prove a point by bringing him back. Aziraphale thinks Crowley is the better of the two of them, and he knows he hasn’t fallen. Heaven sentenced him to death, and it didn’t stop him from being an angel. And yet Crowely, his better half, is a demon. Crowley has parallels to Jesus that are probably not lost on Aziraphale. Crowley coming back as an angel and being put in authority over nearly every other angel in existence the way Aziraphale imagines it would be a vindication of Crowley as the ultimate martyr, and a fuck you to all the angels who looked down on him. See end note.

The issue remains that it isn’t the framing Crowley would give himself, and it is alarming that Aziraphale fails to be aware of that. Aziraphale has spent 6000 years in a sort of solipsism, where his intuition is what he looks through for understanding everything in the world. Sometimes he understands that other people will see things differently, and sometimes that slips. Divining his sense of self through intuition has benefit as a tool to free him from heaven’s brainwashing, but it also carries a risk of arrogant superiority and blind spots. Aziraphale still isn’t fully at peace when it comes to accepting that Crowley’s demonic status is an avowed identity, not a transient trial. And as I said in post 3, when you try to run on intuition in an area where you aren’t at peace with yourself, that will fuck your shit up harder than a sideways pineapple. 

The Final Fifteen: Return of the Mindfuckery

Aziraphale enters the conversation with The Metatron believing he wants to stay on earth, and that the leadership of heaven is not aligned with God's ineffable will. When The Metatron offers Aziraphale the position of supreme archangel, his belief that God is good and heaven ought to be aligned with God's will gets pulled to the surface, along with his conviction that he can intuit God's will, and confidence in his ability to make a difference, already inflated from setting in motion Ineffable Bureaucracy. That on its own isn’t enough. Aziraphale doesn’t want to leave his life on earth with Crowley behind, he has just started to be at peace building a life in Shades of Grey.

When The Metatron offers angelic status, it gives Aziraphale the option to believe The Metatron is endorsing Crowley as a vindicated martyr. It lets Aziraphale believe that the Metatron is on team Ineffable, and Aziraphale really will be given enough actual power to genuinely reform heaven. But it isn’t the only option it gives Aziraphale. There is a fork, and not just in the road. 

When The Metatron offers to sanction his relationship with Crowley, he goes out of his way to bring attention to how unsanctioned it used to be, how long it was like that, and how serious it still is. By bringing up Crowley and Aziraphale’s full history, The Metatron is reminding him of all the thousands of years of fear of discovery and instability. They could have been executed for it, they nearly were, they could order executions again, and they might work this time. He didn’t need to point out how long running their collaboration was, and he didn’t need to refer to it as a de facto partnership either. Offering to let Aziraphale take Crowley with him could have just been about the fact that they are clearly working together now. The way The Metatron highlighted their history provoked Aziraphale’s fear. 

Aziraphale may refuse to believe The Metatron really speaks for God, but he is afraid enough of him to get mindfucked about it given an attractive enough looking alternative. It is particularly telling of the level of mindfuckery at play that The Metatron describes Aziraphale as someone who is honest, and doesn’t just tell people what they want to hear, and Aziraphale accepts that. It would have taken work for Aziraphale to keep that red flag out of his awareness.

Where Aziraphale has resisted the mindfuckery of danger from The Institution of Heaven before, the alternative has been horrifying. Lie to thwart the archangels, or allow the murder of children. Defy The Institution, or participate in the destruction of the universe. He had no way forward that preserved his sense of self, and he took the least horrible of the options he had. Going back to heaven may not look like an ideal option, he doesn’t really want to leave the bookshop, but as the Metatron initially presents it, it's not conflicting with Aziraphale’s sense of self. Framed as an opportunity to reform heaven into his own ideal, it would conflict with Aziraphale’s sense of self to turn the offer down. 

Aziraphale sees this as an opportunity to make the universe right. I don’t think he believes it will be simple, easy, or guaranteed to work, I think he feels obligated to do everything he can to try. If there is even a chance, no matter how small, he has to try. He remembers Crowley being happy as an angel, but not that it was God that took the smile away. He remembers Crowley looking for ways to avoid his evil missions and be kind under hell's nose, but not that God tasked hell's minions with doing evil in the first place. He remembers that Crowley often chooses to do good, but not that to Crowley, the choices he was making were choosing to oppose the system, not aligning with God. Aziraphale has been able to think of Crowley as aligned with God’s Ineffable will. He has been thinking it more and more into the modern era. He concluded long ago that God would forgive Crowley. 

He forgot to consider that it is Crowley who would need to forgive God.

The Final Fifteen: Schrodinger's Threat

The Metatron has appeared before Aziraphale wearing dark colors, offering an oatmilk late, talking about experiencing the earthly world. This sets him apart from the other angels, it is a signal that he has also eaten the metaphorical apple, he is not naive to good and evil the way the other celestials are. Aziraphale's only points of reference for worldly celestials are himself and Crowley. He associates the knowledge and mixed black and white with the pursuit of nuanced ethics. He has no frame of reference for an entity that fully understands the nuances of ethics but chooses to impose dogmatic authoritarianism anyway.

The part of Aziraphale’s mind that lives outside of conscious awareness gets to decide between two realities. 1) The Metatron cannot be trusted, he is threatening him, plotting to destroy Crowley, nowhere is safe, there are no good options, Crowley won’t play along, ect… or, 2) The Metatron is actually aligned with God’s ineffable will just like he and Crowley are, and he and Crowley can fix heaven together and live happily and safely ever after. If your priority is picking the reality that is most palatable, that isn’t a hard choice. 

Remember, it isn’t a conscious choice. Aziraphale is not arguing in an internal monologue with himself that he is better off deciding to believe the naive thing, the parts of Aziraphale's mind that are outside of his awareness are preventing his conscious mind from seeing anything other than the naive thing. Every reason he has to not trust The Metatron didn’t load into his conscious awareness and instead fucked off to the Bermuda Triangle. The evidence The Metatron cannot be trusted wasn’t rejected or discounted, it functionally does not exist. Every reason he had to know Crowley would never go along with the plan did the same thing. 

Even his own memories of his own time in heaven fucked off. When Aziraphale said it would be “like the old times, only even nicer,” a lot of us had an initial reaction along the lines of, maybe it was nice for you, but not for Crowley. The thing is, that's backwards. The Star Queen was having a blast making the universe while Aziraphale was skittish and terrified. The good old times weren’t ever real for Aziraphale, they were what he had to imagine into existence to cope with existence. Aziraphale wants to put himself in a miserable position of responsibility that he will hate, in order to remake heaven into a place Crowley can be happy again.

Much of the theorizing I have seen around Aziraphale's behavior in the Final Fifteen assumes a dichotomy. As most people see it, the story must be one of two things, either Aziraphale sincerely believes The Metatron's offer, and sincerely wants Crowley to come back to heaven with him and be angels together doing good, and sincerely thought Crowley would go for it and be happy about it, OR he was so scared shitless by The Metatron that everything he is doing and saying is put on for their safety.

The horrifying truth of how our minds work is that there is no dichotomy. 

Aziraphale sincerely believed in the plan, sincerely believed Crowley would happily go for it, and sincerely remembered being in heaven as nice, BECAUSE he was scared shitless by The Metatron and had to buy into it for their safety. He had to genuinely believe those things to feel safe, so he did. I don't think The Metatron made any explicit threats or coercions. He didn't need to. Aziraphale's existential terror did all the work on its own, and it did the work without leaving a trail for Aziraphale’s conscious mind to see.

The Final Fifteen: An Uninformed Decision

Aziraphale had not been told about the plans for Armageddon 2.0, or why Gabriel lost his memory, or that he was risking getting stashed in a heavenly closet after being mind wiped for refusing to go along with The Institution. I have been frustrated with Crowley for not bringing this up. While my frustration with both of their poor communication skills continues, I noticed that Crowley probably thinks that he did bring it up.

In the bandstand argument, Crowley twice tries to make sarcastic logical incisions to get through to Aziraphale. “You should kill him yourself then, holierly.” “ Unforgivable, that's what I am.” He is saying these things to deconstruct what Aziraphale said before, not as face value statements. Aziraphale ignores the argument inside them both, treating them as face value non sequiturs and offering his own. 

In the Final Fifteen Crowley makes another sarcastic logical incision by saying “when heaven ends all life on earth, it will be just as dead as if hell had ended it.” Aziraphale picked a hell of a day to stop taking Crowley’s sarcastic incisions at face value, because as much as this is a sarcastic logical incision still, it is actually also face value this time. Crowley is telling Aziraphale that heaven is planning on ending all life on earth. Like, NOW. And given the way Aziraphale has interpreted him in the recent past, Crowley would reasonably expect him to follow along with that. 

Aziraphale thinks if he is in charge, he can put in place the plan he expressed in S1E4, celestials keep the earth running so humans can keep having free will. Aziraphale is not happy about it when The Metatron mentions the second coming. But he still doesn’t know that he is queuing himself up for the same fate as Gabriel, since Crowley skipped that point in his understandable frantic distress. I really do think it would have made a big difference in how the scene went down if it had come up.

In this series I have described Aziraphale's choice as a mistake, but I want to clarify what I think the mistake was, because it wasn't deciding to go back, not really. The mistake was how he brought the situation to Crowley.

Had Aziraphale refused to go, both of them could have been rapidly removed from existence. There is a very compelling case to be made that returning to heaven and trying to dismantle the system from the inside while playing along on the surface is their best option. The end of the universe ends everywhere, they are attached to the earth, and even with the combo miracles Aziraphale wouldn't have it in him to wage full on war against heaven with a diplomatic offer on the table. It's possible Crowley could have been moved by that argument, or it could have prompted Crowley into sharing about the memory wipes.

Realistically the situation was probably moving too fast to put a real strategy in place, and I don't think Crowley would take the elevator up either way, but the most hurtful part of the conversation is how long Aziraphale goes still presenting a return to heaven as unambiguously positive news, seemingly oblivious to how Crowley would take it, and how Crowley does take it standing in front of him. As strong an argument as there is for them to suffer the hardship in order to strategically dismantle the system from inside as the least bad option of what's available, Aziraphale does not make that argument. Crowley can't strategize with the version of Aziraphale who thinks The Metatron is on his side. I still fault Crowley for leaving the conversation when he did, as much as I understand why he felt he needed to.

I’m not going to go through the whole argument line by line, but I’m going to do a brief review of my impressions of Aziraphale’s more ambiguous statements. 

“You can be my second in command” They’re authorising me to be in charge, I will raise you as high as I can on paper, no one will be controlling you. 

“Nothing lasts forever” I’m willing to let go of my attachment to this bookshop if it will secure us a safe future together.

“I don’t think you understand what I’m offering you” We can fully restructure the institution of heaven to be what we want it to be, for us and for the world we took responsibility for. You can have creative control over the reformation. We can be safe and together like we have wanted for 6000 years.

“Then there’s nothing more to say.” I respect your decision not to come with me. 

“I forgive you” for leaving me with the responsibility to fix heaven on my own. (But it was almost ‘I love you.’)

The Final Fifteen: The Aftermath

After Crowley leaves, what Aziraphale can load into his mind shifts again. He can see his fear, and that The Metatron is the source of it. All the reasons he has to not trust The Metatron come back, as do all the reasons why Crowley would obviously say no. The cascade of expressions Aziraphale runs through between Crowley leaving and the Metatron arriving are us witnessing the beliefs, opinions, judgements, and memories that are present in Aziraphale’s experience of consciousness being reformed into a different set. 

When the Metatron comes back, Aziraphale is functionally a different person, and this one doesn’t want to go. He tries very hard to soft no The Metatron. He really, really tries. It is the hardest part of the ending for me to watch by far. I don't think any instance of him was ever really ok with a version of events where he went back on his own. But I also think he fully expects to be smote on the spot if he actually says no, with Crowley smote soon after, and I don't think he is wrong.

For all the heartbreak of the ending, there are some optimistic points from across the span of my character study I want to highlight that I think are often overlooked. 

Aziraphale ideologically split himself off from The Institution of Heaven before Crowley got involved. 

He had a sense something wasn’t right even while the Star Queen was naive. 

He found his own way to form opinions for himself in the midst of an all powerful, rigid, oppressive system. 

He has played Crowley’s role performing political subterfuge temptation missions from hell who knows how many times. 

His perception that Crowley might want to be an angel again, while willfully ignorant and galling, didn’t come from nowhere. 

His tolerance and forgiveness of the other angels comes from infantilizing them, not respecting them. 

He was noticeably upset when The Metatron mentioned the Second Coming. 

Just as Aziraphale’s increasing stack of things he can believe doesn’t undo the imprint of his years of indoctrinated beliefs, The Metatron manipulating him into a disastrous mistake doesn’t undo the growth he has had, the tools he has developed, or the perspective he has gained. The last smile just as he steps into the lift is not sincere, and his stare inside at the end is a declaration of a kind of soft power war. We remember "but rescuing me makes him so happy," but the full line when Nina asks "Why don't you make your own plans?" starts with "Oh, I am."

Part 10/10

End note:

Due to a series of unfortunate events (or two), there was a considerable delay between the bulk of my "What does Aziraphale Actually Believe" series and the last instalment. While I initially felt very negatively about that, it also presented a particular opportunity, as I found myself reviewing the final draft details of The Metatron's manipulation tactics and how they messed with Aziraphale's mind at the same time as I was following the allegations against Neil Gaimen.

As things currently stand I find the allegations against Neil Gaimen very credible and very damning. Information is still coming out, but the odds of something being reviled that would change the gist of my opinion are very unlikely. I don't consider that to be cause to stop engaging with the fandom and analyzing the story. A lot of people who take that position frame it as separating the art from the artist. That is not the framing I use.

Typically I try to keep considerable distance between myself and anything that looks like psychoanalysing public figures. This because of a psychology ethics rule that I take on a broad interpretation of. The gist of it is to not form professional opinions about the psychology of specific people based on their public statements / works. Because what follows is skirting the edges of the spirit of those rules, I want to emphasise that it is my personal opinion, and I am coming at it more from literary analysis than any kind of Sherlockian attempt at deductive reasoning about the workings of a particular person's mind.

The narrative arc of Aziraphale's religious trauma, the way it plays out, the way his opinions bend and reform, the way he gaslights himself in the presence of The Metatron, the way The Metatron wields his power imbalance with a friendly disposition, the way the threats that are never framed as a threat mess with Aziraphale's mind, the way he convinces himself to be happy about what he is being forced into, the way his mind flips back and fourth based on the pressures of the people around him, the particular ways he is vulnerable to being subtly manipulated into appearing complicit in his own exploitation, the detail in how that plays out, these things were all written very well.

Or I should say, they were written very accurately.

The motivation I had to write the "What does Aziraphale Actually Believe" series was that a lot of the ways those features of exploitation were accurately depicted weren't picked up on by the general audience. Because they rang so true to life to me, but were not followed by so many, I sought to explain my understanding of Aziraphale's behaviour to people who weren't sure what to make of it. These mechanisms are often very counter intuitive, not understanding them is pretty normal, and the Final 15 stood out to me as having been written with a very unusually high level of understanding of how exploitative power dynamics operate in real life.

Which is to say…

If the author of Aziraphale's Season 2 narrative arc came to me, and told me that he just didn't realize how power disparities impact people, that he was trying his best and he just didn't understand, I would tell him to go fuck himself with a rake. I can get behind wanting more to be investigated, wanting more information to be corroborated, wanting to see the actual screenshots and emails. I have respect for people who still want more documentation. What I want to push back against is arguments from people who believe the conduct happened, but either think that it wasn't a big deal, that Gaimen could not have been expected to know better, or that he made an unfortunate mistake. Someone that oblivious would not have been able to write the story of Season 2. Someone getting called out for their abuse of power absolutely would claim they didn't know any better as an excuse, it's the most obvious excuse to make.

People who abuse power knowingly are often still able to create a pocket fantasy universe, conjuring sections of time during which they can believe their own lies. They can sit better with themselves and their own actions that way. That isn't the same as not knowing better, it is the most willful of all willful ignorance, and it can flip on and off like a switch. I haven't read Sandman, but the people who have may be able to say if it seems like the work was written by a person who understands that people can create their own pocket realities to live in, and jump into and out of.

One of the common things expressed by those coming forward is that they want people to know that they are absolutely confident Gaimen understood what he was doing. There was a moment in the "Am I Broken" podcast where the survivor made that point, and the host either didn't process what they were being told or dismissed it at the speed of light, pivoting to hoping this would be a learning opportunity for other clumsy people in power who are probably making the same mistakes. It was a very frustrating moment.

I understand it is confusing that the people who engage in serial predatory behavior can rationalize themselves into their fantasy narrative of events while simultaneously engaging in an intentional strategy. But it is what people do. Getting to believe they aren't doing the very thing they planed to do is part of the strategy, and part of how they are able to gaslight people so effectively. The answer to "do serial predators believe they are innocent or do they do it as a honed deliberate tactic?" is yes. Knowing that is key to spotting these patterns in real life.

[aihoshiino]

i wonder how different the story would have gone if, instead of sending ryosuke, kamiki would have visited ai on his own.

the part of me that needs them to be happy says that while he isn't necessarily enamored with the twins at first, he still tries to his best with them. maybe they think he's their new babysitter at first, that'd be funny.

anyways, kamiki awkwardly co-parenting with ai and both of them fumbling through being exes and parents and still caring so deeply for eachother but also being too traumatized to properly communicate.

aqua and ruby are first hostile when they realize that this is the man that got ai pregante™, and then they become the twos biggest shippers. cue incredibly convoluted attempts to get them together again. (i feel that it is important to point out that they're still toddlers at that time, which would make this extra funny)

So the thing about HKAI and the mess that was their relationship is that Hikaru sending Ryosuke in his place is ultimately a symptom, not a cause. It is a consequence of his arrested development in regards to Ai and his inability to conceive of a world where the two of them exist separate of their relationship. To a degree, asking 'could Hikaru and Ai be happy if he didn't send Ryosuke' is kind of asking for Hikaru to be a different character, because at the place he's at at the moment he makes that decision, he can't not make that choice. I've described Ai's tragedy in the past as being simultaneously preventable and unavoidable and the same goes for Hikaru. It's like a fucked up reverse Oroborous - in order to create the conditions for him to be a happier and healthier person, he must already have started taking the steps towards becoming that person - or at least to be further down the road than he is at the equivalent point in canon.

Even if we remove Ryosuke from the picture, I can't really imagine things going that well. I kind of touched on it in a previous ask but even the one-sided conversation we hear that seals Ai's fate raises a lot of red flags for me. He leaps to assuming that Ai is trying to get back together with him and when gently turned down romantically but still offered an opening back into her life as the father of her children, he chooses to betray her trust and send someone to terrorize and potentially hurt Ai and their children so she could 'feel his despair'. Even if we believe his insistence that he really didn't think Ryosuke would kill her, this is still an utterly reprehensible thing to do. It implies a level of not just desire but outright entitlement - that he feels he has the right to 'punish' Ai for… what? Not wanting to rush back into a relationship with him after like, five years of minimal-to-no contact? When he's gone right ahead and proved that the issues that caused their breakup have not been resolved?

Obviously, this is not to say that Hikaru doesn't sincerely love Ai with all his heart or that he doesn't care for her at all. I actually think that contradiction between his clearly observable feelings for her and the actions he nevertheless chooses to take is really fascinating in what it adds to him as a character. A big part of the reason why Hikaru's so fucked up is because he's so deeply in love with Ai and so utterly unable to cultivate a nuanced or healthy relationship with his idea of her.

So… I guess if I'm honest, my vision of it is more Hikaru using visiting the twins as a way of leveraging his way back into Ai's life, successfully or otherwise. I don't really see a scenario where Hikaru is able to work out his shit and become a decent father or partner for Ai, just because too many of his issues are tangled up in this longed-for codependence with her. Maybe this older and wiser Ai could find a way to save him like she wished for, but… is it really fair to put that weight on her shoulders? Why should she, a person with her own desperate struggles and lack of support, go right back to performing the backbreaking emotional labor that contributed to that all-consuming codependence in the first place?

To be clear, I'm saying this as a proud HikaAi shipper who loves a fucked up life-warping codependent romance, but in the context of Oshi no Ko and when we're talking about what would actually make these characters happy, I think Hikaru and Ai, at the place they are at the time of the tragedy, are not in a position to make each other truly fulfilled and happy.

askslmdslkdlsmdsl i'm so sorry anon you sent me such a cute prompt and got this utterly harrowing essay in response 😭 I'M SORRY THAT'S JUST HOW IT CAME OUT