#considering both his immense strength and immense guilt)

[scarletspider2the2ndpower]

“Pillar of Fire,” Scarlet Spider (Vol. 2/2012), #5.

Writer: Christopher Yost; Penciler: Neil Edwards; Inker: Karl Kesel; Colorist: Edgar Delgado; Letterer: Joe Caramagna

[mgjong]

With Kotoko getting the guilty verdict, I have seen some people speculating about this so I wanted to make a poll (it has probably been done before but please indulge me)

My own thoughts for each character under the cut

So, this is a little complicated. I would like to start by saying I find it very unlikely for her to come out of this unscathed. Could happen, but I feel like for narrative purposes they would want her to be hurt in some capacity. It could just be the psychological strain the voices will have on her but again, I don't think she will be "fine". Now for the characters and possible arguments.

Fuuta This one is hard. If you know Fuuta well, you know he doesn't actually like violence. Far from it, he is the kind of person who avoids it and is terrified of it. While his words come off as brash and aggressive that's usually all he has. However we have seen he WILL resort to it as a desperate effort, either to try and help someone or out of anger, to try to show he is not weak.

The impression Fuuta has given me is that he is, well, afraid of Kotoko to put it simply. And while he shows very clearly his dislike for her and what she did to him he seems to have mitigated most of that anger towards Es since at the end of the day the judgment was up to them. Would an innocent verdict lead him to believe he is now in the right to hurt her back? In my opinion, unlikely. By voting Kotoko guilty and him innocent this trial we have, in a way, admitted our mistake to him. Fuuta has felt immense guilt for what he has done from the start, at the end of his second voice drama he was begging for our forgiveness. And we gave it to him. I think it would be counterintuitive for him to then go and attack Kotoko after this. I would like to believe that he has learned his lesson in a sense.

However, we must keep in mind what I stated earlier. Fuuta CAN be violent and will resort to it, especially when he feels like he has something to prove or is backed into a corner, usually on an impulse. So maybe given the right conditions he could lash out against her. However that would depend way more on her attitude towards the others than anything else.

Lastly, and I think this is what makes his case complicated is the possibility of him being influenced by Amane and her religion. As we know, revenge and punishment are very present in Amane's cult values and with Fuuta seeming more and more indoctrinated each day, I am starting to wonder if those could have any influence on his actions, leading him to actually take revenge.

However, from the last 2 timelines he sounds very tired with the way he’s speaking, exhausted even, from both the psychological toll of everything plus the constant physical pain. He also went to both Mahiru and Haruka in an attempt to try and help them though one mistook it for just nice words and the other refused his help to which, due to his exhaustion, he quickly gave up and brushed it off. So I wouldn’t say he’d have the strength and energy to try something against Kotoko even if the cult “punishment” ideals got into his head. Considering he lashes out when he feels cornered I think he’d only feel the need to if Kotoko, somehow, was still a danger towards him and the others. And still, I don’t think he would be able to do much damage since he is canonically the weakest of the guys (and Kotoko) in terms of strength.

Shidou This one seems to be based a lot on Triage's lyrics of "To extract that fang'' and Shidou's and Kotoko's very apparent animosity for each other. Having said that, do I think Shidou could attack her? No... not really. First I think those lyrics are referencing his attempts to help the ones Kotoko hurt, to reverse the damage she did. And while I find his innocent percentage to be very worrying I don't think it will be manifested that way. If anything, Shidou has Kotoko to thank for giving him a purpose and reason to live (even when he dislikes her). Not to mention how violence is... simply not his style. Shidou has said it himself. And while he can be "cold" I don't think he would just go and attack Kotoko. Especially when he will have bigger issues to worry about in the form of a certain child.

Now, what I can see him doing is something more in the case if Kotoko were to get hurt by other means. He could deny her treatment and/or make sure she doesn't recover from her wounds. But again I don't really think he would do it. Shidou currently attributes his life purpose to saving the lives in front of him and we encouraged this mindset with his innocent verdict. I don't think he would want to lose a chance to be useful, even if that patient was someone he despised.

John Alright this one I have very specific thoughts on. (Mikoto fans, you are free to tell me I am wrong.) First, I know John isn't stupid. He values Mikoto's well-being above everything else, which was made very clear. He would NOT risk him getting another guilty verdict by attacking another prisoner, right? Maybe. Listen, I think this one is complicated and depends a lot on what Kotoko will do.

I don't think John would go out of his way to attack Kotoko. After all, we have given Mikoto the innocent verdict, he will be (I hope) way less stressed, giving John less reasons to front. With Kotoko being restrained due to her guilty she would also be less of a threat to Mikoto. However if something were to happen... If Kotoko were to get free and try to attack someone in a fit of rage over her verdict... Well, we know who is the person she currently despises the most. We also know John and Kotoko are tied in terms of strength but with Kotoko being impaired from the guilty verdict it's very obvious who would have the upper hand.

And here is the thing: if Kotoko were fighting someone like Kazui, I am sure he would stop her, but in a way that didn't cause her any further harm. Would John also do that? Or would John feel the need to make sure Kotoko couldn't be a threat to Mikoto anymore? After all, we seem to be on his side, we considered Kotoko guilty for her actions. Wouldn't John feel justified enough to do this, especially with Kotoko being the one to attack first? I don't know, I just fear something will happen with Mikoto. There is a reason 09 and 10 were added later, that being to provide more "drama" to the narrative. There is also this line from John on a tl saying he would "beat Kotoko at her own game" but I... really don't want to dwell on the implications of that. Especially because I do believe John is very genuine in his care for Mikoto. I mean cmon you guys have seen Double and listened to Neoplasm!

Kotoko Well I don't really have much to say here. We know how self destructive she is, we have seen how much she disregards her own emotions and her own pain. We have seen how much she actually hates herself. I wouldn't put it past her. Maybe not in a "I am guilty so I guess I'll hurt myself" way but more out of resignation and anger with her whole situation or even by making stupid decisions. For example, I don't think at this point she would fight back much if someone were to try and hurt her. I really don't have much more to say about this, it's Kotoko Yuzuriha.

Don't have much on the other prisoners, maybe in very specific conditions??? No clue, Yamanaka might surprise us who knows.

So what is my conclusion? The most likely case to me is that Kotoko hurts herself either directly or by making a very stupid decision like attacking someone she shouldn't.

What about you?

[the-last-thread-of-my-sanity]

Honestly, I love the Levi/Hange/Erwin dynamic when it comes to shipping, because all of it works and feels satisfying for the characters no matter what your preference is.

I can honestly believe or be convinced of almost any dynamic involving the three of them, including a throuple situation.

But my personal headcanon is this- I think that Levi had feelings for Erwin that were definitely stronger than Erwin’s for him. Levi showed love and also strength through devotion to Erwin but Erwin only had room in his life to be devoted to his cause and his goal of finding out the truth. Any person- even those he cared most about- could be sacrificed for that goal. We see this in his characterization as “the devil”. I think he felt sorrow for this choice at times but never once considered going back on it.

I honestly think the closest Levi and Erwin ever were was before the series starts/occurs offscreen. And by the time we are introduced to these characters we are actually beginning to see the slow deterioration of what could have been their relationship. We see them working seamlessly together to acquire Eren for the Scouts, but even as soon as the 57th Expedition we see some cracks in the facade.

Levi trusts Erwin inherently, and will follow his orders, but he starts to silently and subtly disagree with the massive loss of life that Erwin is content with to achieve his goal. This all culminates in Levi’s infamous unspoken “more important than me” right before they leave for Shiganshina. Erwin is devoted to his cause and his dream of seeing the basement regardless of the casualties- and Levi has been devoted to Erwin and so therefore must bear the weight of those casualties with him even though along the way they weren’t his calls to make.

And then on the other hand, you have Levi and Hange- who mutually care for one another and have phenomenal chemistry. They both share the burden of carrying out Erwin’s wishes- but I think in Hange, Levi can see someone who is just as intelligent and determined but not quite as ruthless or closed off. Hange is constantly grappling with guilt and shame and feelings of inadequacy- emotions that Levi doesn’t permit himself to feel or in the very least, to feel openly. So by caring for them, Levi gets some of that catharsis. Surely by having sympathy for Hange’s plight, he can also then give himself permission to feel his own doubts and frustrations. Their relationship feels very equal- which is why it is ultimately more appealing to me.

Later, even when Hange is the commander, it still feels like they are on equal footing. Levi is just as devoted to them, but not in a way that forces him into a secondary role or to compromise the part of him that cares deeply for others.

I think (and yes this explanation is very Levi-centric, sorry) that Levi resists a lot of attraction to Hange or doesn’t take it as seriously while Erwin is alive- but just as we see things begin to chill between him and Erwin, we also see more trust and interactions between him and Hange.

Levi choosing Armin to revive over Erwin was a personal as well as tactical decision for him. Of course, there’s so much discussion about how it was actually a way to respect him and show mercy, et cetera. And I agree with that. But many things can be true at the same time, and I think laying Erwin to rest was also Levi choosing, if even subconsciously, that he would no longer choose his unbroken devotion to Erwin over the chance to spare lost lives (in this case, it happens to be Armin). He still reveres Erwin immensely- but following him for so many years had obviously left wounds and scars.

And I am not saying any of this to discredit Erwin or villainize him. I think Erwin is a very human character, and he put himself into a position to make choices that he knew no one else would be able to make. He chose to turn himself into a monster and be as ruthless as his enemy. He was incorruptible in this aspect, but it also meant that anyone close to him would always be secondary and he couldn’t risk becoming too attached. There a million examples of ways he cares for Levi (and Hange)- he just makes it explicit that he would never care for them MORE than the cause.

They know this and follow him anyway. But that bond between those second in command to him, creates this beautiful relationship built on shared understanding, and that’s what makes Levihan so compelling to me.

[rolloollor]

Hey, I was wondering what made you like Mallerollo?

Sure thing, I can explain! There'll be spoilers if you haven't read the event in full, but I can't really get into the nitty gritty without spoilers, so… get ready for rambling.

I was hooked from the first time Rollo screamed "Malleus Draconiaaaa!" in the prologue to the event.

Malleus is isolated as a character aside from people in Diasomnia, but their relationships with Malleus have always felt very familial to me and I can't ship any of them with him. I can't really picture him in a relationship with anyone in NRC, either. He just floats about, helping people sometimes, bullying people other times, but he's not super close to them. I have no interest in Yuu, shipping canon characters with OCs, or self-inserting, so that's also out for me. Leona and Malleus are probably the closest in terms of relationship dynamics that I like, but any 'feelings' (mainly negative) seem strong on Leona's side, but not on Malleus' side. It's too unbalanced for me.

So, when Rollo was announced, I thought that he would be a great opportunity for not only a Malleus ship, but to also present Malleus with someone who would antagonize him. And that's exactly what he did.

When Rollo finally deploys his plan, Malleus gets super pissed and yells, "I'll never forgive you, Rollo Flamme!!!" and that got me doubly on board. Rollo had tricked/outsmarted him. He didn't win in the end, but he had triumphed over Malleus more than any other human. That's pretty big considering I don't remember Leona's plan impacting Malleus at all. The event really improved Malleus' character in my mind since we got to see him struggle a little. He couldn't solve the problem with another show of overwhelming strength.

With Rollo, it seems like he was created with Malleus in mind. He hates magic, thereby making him conflict with Malleus. He invited Malleus to the event, he's old-timey, he has a connection to gargoyles (something Malleus has to be wildly jealous about), and he's a genuine threat. He made Malleus feel fear! With all this, of course Malleus is going to be curious about him. So, Malleus has strong feelings about Rollo and obviously Rollo fucking hates him at minimum, so there's intensity on both sides.

At the same time, Rollo's kinda more isolated than Malleus is, but by choice. People gravitate to Rollo and he spurns them. People avoid Malleus even though he would like to make a friend or two. Just an interesting contrast between them.

Another thing, Toboso knows what she's doing. She didn't have them dance together and promise to rendezvous beneath the bell just because. Obviously nothing will ever be canon, but come on. I legit could not believe they actually danced and talked for so long tbh, that is some crazy ship bait.

Malleus is an insanely powerful fae. Rollo is a cunning human with immense willpower. I think they bounce off each other really well and could make each other better, if given the chance. Malleus almost is magic in a sense--if the relationship developed to a certain point, I think he could ease Rollo's guilt regarding his brother and help him get over his hang-ups about magic. Rollo would act as someone who challenges Malleus (which he sorely needs, he is way too coddled) and maybe he could help him develop some empathy.

But them being toxic with each other is fun, too… Malleus is really fucking good at being toxic and I like exploring that side of things.

There are a lot possibilities for pining, for jealousy, for angst, for development, and just... all sorts of things.

Basically, I think both characters bring out what's interesting in the other and, as a pairing, have a fantastic potential for either growth or festering in toxicity. They also fit into tropes I like (lifespan differences, royal problems, lots of magic, enemies to lovers, etc...)

[swallowerofdharma]

What Guts is for Griffith

a dispassionate analysis written for a better understanding of both characters and of Berserk

Part 7: Only warmth covers and protects me from this world

A recurring theme in Berserk is “hopeless suffering”, as Godot the blacksmith calls it, nourished by fear or the regret for losing something irreplaceable, especially if suddenly and senselessly. When man answers his fear or his suffering with revenge, violence and war, and only relies on the sword, he ends up adding more fuel for it, but what is the counterpart, where does hope reside? Casca thought about Griffith: “You were the one… who gave me the sword and the blanket”. A sword alone wouldn’t have meant anything to Casca without the warmth, without hope: “But that was the real helping hand he extended to me. The fear didn’t vanish completely, but the feelings of guilt and regret faded… his magnificence… and the warmth of the blanket he gave me filled my heart”.

After two years of wandering around hunting apostles and looking for revenge, Guts, now the Black Swordsman, is being confronted by Godot’s words and Rickert’s actions: “Two years… plenty of time for a person to change. In the time I’ve gone on hating, Rickert’s done this… Funerals to accept the death of his comrades. He found a new way to live through that vigorous strength of his”. As readers, we enter the world of Berserk through the Black Swordsman arc, and then we’re shown the very origins of it, to understand what is behind it all and ultimately to walk the same path that Guts on: to find strength in another way to live, for vengeance isn’t it.

The night Guts is back to Godot’s mine, his sword is being repaired and he can’t sleep without one, he never did. He thinks that and then he looks at the fire (light, warmth) and remember Casca and Godot’s words: “You went alone. You were right beside those irreplaceable things… yet you couldn’t bear to immerse yourself together in sorrow with them. So instead you ran away so that your malice could burn within you”. Suddenly he understands that he made the same choice as Griffith during the eclipse. Griffith still had the band of the Hawk, and Casca and Guts, but he couldn’t deal with his immense pain and left them behind, causing the death and destruction that followed. But at this sudden realization, Guts is enraged once again and his train of thoughts has never been so close to Griffith’s one: “Fear, malice. I don’t know… possibly it’s both, but I can never atone for this dark flame! If I can’t atone, if I can’t escape all I can do is burn myself and my enemies with it”. That’s when behind him the Beast of Darkness makes an appearance as the manifestation of his own malice and his potential to be exactly like Griffith.

Considering Godot’s words another time, Guts thinks then back to the time he abandoned Casca, and the time before, when he abandoned the band of the Hawk to pursue “some dream”. The recurring image associated with that thought is that of that cold morning in early spring when he is walking away from the figure of a defeated Griffith kneeling alone in the snow. Thinking about people, about Casca and the days in the band of the Hawk, Guys realizes that: “I declared this war myself. But… but still what’s burning me ain’t just this black flame. The campfire from those days still burns in my chest. (…) What’ve I done? Did I… Again. Did I go and do it again? You mean… did I lose something before I even noticed it again? (…) No… not yet… the flame. It’s not yet blown out. Not yet! It’s not too late! This time I swear! I’ll never lose her again”.

In Guts’s internal monologue, “the campfire from those days”, from visually being represented as “the campfire of dreams” of the band of the Hawk, that warmed him for a bit, becomes an image the simple burning desire he felt around both Griffith and Casca and that he shared with her: it depicts the sexual connection between him and Casca and on one side Griffith’s back - as Guts’s burning desire was also the sting of ambition and competition he felt around him - and on the other Casca, two focal points - two “love interests” - that have now become opposed, because now following Griffith means fueling the black flame of hatred, revenge and malice, whereas choosing Casca is strengthening “this last feeble flame left to me”.

This feeling of warmth is one thing that even the most powerful or successful people in the world can’t go without. The queen of Midland didn’t take part in the scheme to assassinate Griffith because she was worried about nobility lineage or Charlotte, but to avenge Julius.

What was an affair born from the need to fight the cold of being alone in a foreign country, from meaningless “burning desire”, through “the warmth of the skin” became love, after all. In the same way, Guts and Casca’s sexual relationship stemmed not exclusively from sexual attraction and curiosity, but from a desperate need for comfort and the opportunity to offer it back. Miura managed to capture that sense of reciprocity between the two of them, and that’s in my opinion what makes this specific encounter special. Guts and Casca’s relationship is based on a friendship, a bond born from being comrades and strengthened from living through common experiences, sharing their position of looking at Griffith from a distance, feeling something preventing them from reaching him. Whereas Guts felt that he couldn’t approach Griffith directly because he hasn’t accomplished anything for himself yet, Casca’s sadness around Griffith hailed from the realization that he couldn’t or he didn’t know how to accept her attempt at comfort and her warmth. Acceptance of those things she offered came instead from Guts after his return, even after the reemergence of his traumatic experiences around affection, sexual touch and trust. There is undoubtedly a premise of love: “Not just being given to, maybe I can give something as well”. For Guts, it is undoubtedly a temporary relief in the turmoil of his complex and unresolved feelings around affection: “As I dozed off for some reason I recalled myself as a boy, rubbing in the medicine Gambino gave me”. As Griffith did with Casca, Gambino gave him the sword and a flimsy blanket. If Griffith had died during his imprisonment, Casca and Guts could have gone in the direction of falling in love with each other and nurturing the feeling through their physical and emotional connection. But in the circumstances that followed, they couldn’t commit fully to that path. What I appreciated about Berserk is that it doesn’t resolve romance in the usual simplistic ways that are too common in contemporary mainstream storytelling, especially between men and women, a kiss, lovemaking, a declaration. Sincere love isn’t something that just happens between attractive people, because mature love isn’t infatuation, nor desire, nor the premature phase of falling: being in love in itself isn’t a complete form of love, because love implies a choice that needs to be renewed and accepted from time to time as the circumstances change.

The talk about warmth is also particularly related to the king of Midland, “the king on his throne” who, through the feeling of being cold and alone, becomes dispossessed of his powers. The confrontation between the king and Griffith, in the chapter called The Fallen Hawk, is interesting because Griffith’s using his words against himself and the entire conversation reveals similar things about the king and Griffith: “What value is there in this world? Wars rage on and the people’s lives are lost like they were insects! After how many decades of war and tens of thousands of corpses, we’ve finally built a time of remembered peace, but only for an instance! On the underside, the monster named war is always seeking new blood, starting to brew itself anew! In the face of that monster, the will of one land’s king is powerless! The wisdom of one man is folly… and yet, I cannot cease being king! There’s no way I can stop!”.

Is Griffith talking about the king: “While you were born to the sword called the throne and held it… it was nothing more than a burden to you. You’ve done nothing more than not fail. How worthless…”, or about himself too? Griffith felt like he was born to something big, a dream he envisioned, a sword that he was able to wield but that brought upon destruction within the success, and the dream has become a burden. Those words, that will bring him a harsher punishment, are mostly directed at himself: “How worthless…” Griffith’s deliberately angering the king. The reason he is there in the first place is the same exact thing that the king put in words: “In this blood-stained, meaningless world, if there is one single ray of hope to be found… it is… warmth”.

After Guts’s departure, Griffith was left kneeling in the snow, defeated, alone and cold. Not being able to find a source of warmth in the band of the Hawk without Guts, Griffith finds himself outside Charlotte’s window. She welcomes him in her arms and she accidentally puts words to his feelings, out loud: “Nothing but frightening and sad things have happened. I’ve been so alone”. And Griffith respond to those words, because they are true for him too. “Take all the frightening and sad things and cast them into the fire”. Only the fire doesn’t warm him when he is confronted by two different things. One is the recollection of Guts’s words about how Griffith does cruel things in the pursue of the dream but he shouldn’t stop. And he can’t easily keep his feelings for Charlotte, even in the moment, separated from what brought him to her in the first place, the path to the dream. Griffith doesn’t know anymore if he is taking her for himself alone, for comfort, for warmth or if he is using his body/her body to pursue the dream, caught in the path to the dream again and unwillingly. And this brings to the second aspect of that night. Griffith couldn’t separate the act of taking Charlotte’s virginity from his own experience. A series of words used in connection with the night spent with Lord Gennon and his young age, as referenced by Casca “a boy in his innocence”, are evidence that that was his first sexual experience.

As opposed to the act with Charlotte, where there isn’t verbal consent but she nevertheless accepts him - from her or from the king, who calls her a “foolish frivolous girl” that behaved “with the rashness of some town girl”, there aren’t any accusations or perception of rape towards Griffith, and being seventeen makes her fully an adult in this context, so I see no reason to diminish her agency or her choices - the act with Gennon implied verbal consent and compensation, but was nevertheless implicitly rape in the imbalance of power, the age difference and Griffith’s mental state: it was certainly perceived like one by Griffith - and he uses the expression “and myself alone not to be unclean” (汚れずmeaning not dirty) where 汚 means dirty, polluted, disgraced, in connection with 汚れ (kegare) meaning uncleanness, disgrace, rape, defilement. When Charlotte falls blessedly asleep, he is still cold and in a whirlwind of complex emotions. When Guts revives his trauma, Casca is able to offer him the chance to verbalize it, be acknowledged and comforted. When she was much younger, she had offered the same to Griffith right after the night with Gennon, but he wasn’t able to accept her touch so soon after or to abandon his role of higher rank and being comforted by her. What’s more, his refusal to be pitied is tied to his pride and self worth, things that have been severely wounded by what just happened. Once again, even if, in response to Guts’s departure, this time with Charlotte he tried to take something for himself alone, he wasn’t able to find a meaningful connection or even enjoyment. Nevertheless he leaves something to her that can be seen as an attempt at tenderness, a sign of care and thoughtfulness that doesn’t align with the selfishness he has often been accused of. Together with returning the lodestone necklace as he promised, he leaves a sprig of fresh flowers that can be recognized as Leucojum vernum (大待雪草) and similar to snowdrops.

[torpedopickle]

Review of Transformers Rise of the Beasts (no spoilers until the end):

This movie was super fun. It really managed to get me pumped by the end and it had a strong sense of momentum front to back, slowing down in the right places, but not to a halt. It could be considered a tad too fast paced for some, but i thought it was just right. It was a really great cinema experience, the music, visual effects, and direction was super strong all around. Steven Caple Jr. has never helmed a project this big, and I was pleasantly surprised by how confident the direction in this movie feels. Along with a simple but effective plot and strong performances all around, and a script which gives a lot of humanity to each character, it turned out to be a very fun movie. I rate it about a 7.6/10, it might get a little higher once I marinate on it more, but thats where it sits for now. I'll be going more in depth below on things I liked if you would like to continue reading.

I actually really like this movie's plot. I see a lot of critics claim it's "incoherent", but it's actually a very simple story, and it manages to find a lot of strength in this simplicity. People might be put off upon hearing that this is yet another "find the mcguffin" plot like past transformers movies. However this time it's actually executed very effectively. The mcguffin of this movie, the Transwarp Key isn't just a thing the bad guys want because then they can make bad things happen so the heroes want it just for the sake of stopping the bad thing. They nanage to weave some strong character work into this plot. Particularly with Noah and Optimus Prime.

Both of them have highly personal stakes motivating them to find the Key. Optimus wanting to use it to return to Cybertron to retake it after having to flee the war, feeling immense responsibility and guilt over stranding the Autobots on earth. He wants nothing more than to go home. While Noah wants to destroy the Key to make sure that the antagonists can't use it to destroy earth, as we're shown quite early on that he has a lot to protect at home, along with a strong sense of responsibility to take care of his struggling family. This conflict of interest over the mcguffin creates a solid dynamic between the two characters, putting them at odds, and confirming their biases against the other at first. Optimus not trusting humans, and Noah not trusting optimus to keep the key away from the Terrorcons after seeing him just barely survive an encounter with them. It's so simple but they managed to tie the personal motivations of two of our leads into the mcguffin of the movie, which has the continued effect of tying their motivations into the plot, thus driving the plot forward through their personal goals. It's very well done. On a sidenote about Prime and Noah, Peter Cullen and Anthony Ramos both give very fun performances, Cullen getting to add in some dry wit to prime really helps make him feel like the big brother character he should be, and Ramos sells the resourceful brooklyn street kid really well.

As for the other characters, Mirage is another standout. A lot of his lines were genuinely very charming even if some were misses, he definitively has some of the dorkiest lines. For better or worse. His relationship to Noah felt very genuine and they bounce off eachother well. Elena didn't have quite as strong of a motivation as Noah, but her inquisitiveness and infectious energy brought by the stellar Dominique fishback made up for the lacking drive of her character, although her character did do a good job of giving drive to the plot. Which would overall be one of my biggest praises for this movie, being that the human characters, which are usually sidelined and dragged along, actually have a ton of agency. Elena really determines where the movie goes, and Noah really holds a lot of the cards in the conflict as he wants to get rid of the Transwarp Key. As for the minor characters, the other autobots all got to shine, except for Wheeljack, he was mostly just there. And Stratosphere was just an uber. But thats all those characters needed to be so why complain.

On the maximal side, Primal and Airazor get some minimal, but still well done substance to them. Their philosophy of honoring the dead by preserving what lives, even at great personal cost came through really well.

On the villain side, it was servicable. The Terrorcons are very much antagonists in the most rudamentary form, being there to set the plot in motion and to provide motivation for our heroes. Peter Dinklage brought a nicely spiteful energy to Scourge, who albeit light on characterization outside of being a cruel, mocking bastard, has some decent context behind who he is, just enough for him to feel like he actually has a history behind him.

The visual effects in this movie were pretty top notch, it's got a couple shakier sequences, but overall it's a very solidly produced film, with Caple's directing really managing to pull through. The action flows really nicely in this film, doing a good job of making you understand where each character is at any given time, even during the big battles, keeping it from feeling incoherent despite the large amount of moving parts. I do think some of the action screentime could have been a little better utilized, particularly in showing the minor antagonists getting some more up close clashes with the heroes.

The score by Jongnic Bontemps sounded amazing in the theatre. Strong percussion with memorable and versatile reoccurring melodies, with some really sweet integrations of hip hop into orchestral tracks that manage to really emphasize and earn the intended emotions of each scene.

Overall it's a super solid movie. It doesn't really excel at that much, but it does very little to dock points, and manages to find strength in the simplicity of its components. This is a must watch if you can see it in theatres.

Spoiler thoughts from here on out!!!

I thought Airazor's death was handled very poignantly. It pressed the right emotional buttons, it felt intimate and merciful. I'm so glad he didn't like break her neck or something. The fact that you mostly just hear her spark fade instead of seeing it improved it a lot. It was a great mercy kill scene. Thematically, it was also quite strong. It underlines the maximals' determination to preserve life at the cost of their own if necessary. A tragedy which is compounded by how few maximals are left. As well as primal's fortitude to do what was necessary even tho it pains him. I overall liked primal in the few small scenes we got with him. Like how humble he is and how much he seems to admire humans. "We can't take credit for humankind's ingenuity" was a nice line.

Bee's "death" was handled very well too. Although i could do without the mi capitan line. Bee's condition also pushing prime's desire to take down scourge was a nice bit of story. Scourge being so slimy and spiteful, constantly mocking made him very hateable. I think Prime beat him too easily tho. Like he pretty much beat him one on one, despite failing at that earlier because of scourge's dark energy making him super powered or whatever. I thought the bit with prime and noah fighting together was really nice, putting forward the theme of finding common ground and facing hardship together. Although i really wanted primal to get a piece of the scourge cake too. He also had beef with him after all. And it would also help strengthen the unity team even further as well as even the odds with scourge's super powers, which would have been more natural than just prime fighting him better than he did earlier. Nightbird and battletrap also could have used some more love. Like battletrap was straight up one of the first casualties in the climax lol. He died SO fast. We never even get to see him really directly fight someone other than when he crashes into primal. Same with nightbird only getting to really fight bee in the air and then dying literally the instant she takes damage from him. Bee's return was really cool and a satisfying way to turn the tide, but damn he turned the tide a little too much lol. I would have liked to see some more one on one tightly choreographed matchups with the two goons like we got in bumblebee. Noah's exosuit was really cool, but mirage basically melting onto him was kinda silly lol. Bee's offroad alt mode was aquired in the climax which felt a bit dumb

[unearthlyfromage]

Une's Nonsensical Ramblings Episode 3;

Blind Faith

Oh, oh this AU. How wonderfully fucked up.

First, lets take the basics of this and explain it out. Stan and Ford go through the portal together, during the fight between them Stan still gets branded, is still injured, and both are still pretty pissed all things considered. And Ford blinds Stan with a blindfold (eventually permanently blinding him) for the purpose of protecting his mind. One thing I've never quite understood about that is;

Why is Stan blinded?

It seems counterintuitive, doesn't it? To rob the stronger of the two of sight, thus making him impaired and unable to properly use his more apt strength. Ford, regardless of mental state, would be able to see that blinding his only help in this situation would only be a set back.

Unless he was tricked into believing that weren't the case, of course. Perhaps Bill, after the incident with Fiddleford catching a glimpse, convinced Ford that only he was able to perceive the contents of the other side without extreme consequence (such as acute insanity, etc.)? That allowing Bill into his mind and body gave him the capability to withstand the horrors that lay beyond. Playing into Ford's lone wolf complex, as well as building onto his insecurity born mindset of being far too different from the average man to be one with the general populace, Bill weaves a narrative that only Ford can enter through and stay sane (at least, stay sane longer than the average human) - maybe as a means to stop Ford from allowing anyone else through, anyone else that could see his true plans. Easier to deal with the human you've already bent around your claw than a human you don't know.

Armed with this narrative where Ford had it drilled into his head that Stan catching even a seconds worth he would, just like Fiddleford, start to go mad, it makes the blinding far more reasonable. Yes, Stan is not nearly as able and independent in a blindfolded state, but the sanctity of his mind is better than anything else.

Ford is able to justify it, this way. I just have a hard time coming to terms with the idea of Ford making such a blatant tactical error without reasonable doubt and excuse for the action.

Now that we have that out of the way, we need to think of the Stans separately, in regards to mental state and how it would change as they go through the multiverse together (or how it would degrade, more aptly).

Ford;

Still pissed, still sleep deprived, still paranoid beyond measure. Ford would develop into a near-manipulative nutcase as time went on. He'd acknowledge the power dynamic he's inadvertently created between him and Stan, in the act of blinding him. Needing to herd him like a shepherd. The act of which would go to his head after a while. In his state he'd convince himself what he's doing is right, that he's protecting Stan by keeping him this way. Which would eventually reach a crescendo with actually permanently blinding him, after one too many close calls where Stan nearly removes the blindfold. It's for his own good, he'd justify.

As he learns more of Stan's life after being kicked out, this would only increase. He'd feel immense guilt from all angles and without a proper head to stand on would act impulsively about it. Despite this all, he's still the mastermind of them both. I imagine he'd be able to twist things to their collective favor, with complex plots that compensate for Stan's lack of vision.

His goal to defeat Bill would drive him, and his goal to keep them both alive would keep him from losing the plot entirely. His issues in having faith in others would carry onto Stan, as well. Unable to trust him with anything, unable to disclose much information, he feels that for Stan ignorance truly is bliss and keeps him near completely in the dark. Much to Stan's dismay, of course. Ford becomes prideful, unhinged, aggressive and impulsive and cryptic. Yet despite it all he still DOES care for Stan - even if Stan's presence doesn't necessarily help him - and would go crazy if he ever lost him in any way. Situations where they're separated are panic incarnate for him. I can see situations where Ford was stuck under something in the carnage around them and Stan was not, trying to lead Stan around with the sound of his voice and the snapping of his fingers for echolocation (something he probably taught to Stan for that purpose specifically).

Which, brings us to the man himself.

Stan;

Stan would be completely ass out in this situation. First the dashing of hope, followed by a fight, ending with a brand, and beginning a new hell of blackness and insanity. Still pissed, he'd keep fighting Ford even through the portal, confused as to why Ford is less hitting back and more desperately trying to cover his eyes up. Hearing him out after a while of tense shouting, he'd begrudgingly accept the blindfold only after Ford nearly erupts into a paranoid fit trying to explain what would happen to Stan if he saw what they were in.

His distrust is blatant, he will take any and every chance to attempt seeing anything, but Ford is even more paranoid than he is, and always catches him. Stan knows he's in a hell dimension, and he's desperate to be useful and help more than be a pack mule for the items they've accrued, but Ford will never let him. All the way up until Ford actually, legitimately blinds him. Forcing Stan to be dependent to Ford, as well as making him sufficiently near-useless. Over time he'll start to trust Ford again. What other option does he have? He'd continue to follow him, continue to do as he says. Despite it all he still cares for Ford, even if it isn't exactly logical. Sure the guy hated him for the better half of their lives, sure they fought, sure he BLINDED him, but he's also the only person that's ever actively taken care of him. There have been many others before Ford that've hurt him, but all of them left him to die. Ford didn't. Ford didn't have to make sure he was healthy, make sure he was fed and had water and stopped when he said he was tired. All the same, he didn't have to care about Ford in turn. But he did. Maybe he's a fool for that, maybe he should run as fast and as far away from Ford as he can but he doesn't.

He's always been stupid like that, hasn't he?

What are they, some 10-odd years after the portal incident?

After a few decades of mental hell and tormentation, perpetuated by crime and hard survival, Ford and Stan are hardly anything they were when they left their home dimension. Stan is quiet, more focused, jumpy and attentive and clingy to Ford. And Ford is paranoia incarnate, he cannot and will never put the gun down. He's loud, he's demanding, he shoots first and asks questions later. He's even jumpier than Stan is, and the moment the other leaves his sight he's threatening the nearest living soul. And I imagine Stan being away from Ford is a scary thought for him, as well. With Ford he had guaranteed safety, he knew where to put his feet, he had stability. But without him? He was even blinder than normal. I imagine if he ever found himself away from Ford he'd stand still and listen, either for the sound of Ford snapping to lead him to his general location or maybe even footsteps that match the sound of his brothers. His dependency would only get worse as the years go by, and Ford's protector complex would only worsen.

Despite this, Stan is still Ford's rock, and keeps him sane. When Ford's damn near about to snap, Stan has them sit down. He cracks jokes. Lightens the mood, any way he can. Reassures Ford.

When things are calm, Ford likes to describe things to Stan. The way the sky in the dimension their in looks, the colors around them, the places they were around that day, etc. It's the closest thing Stan has to seeing those things. And while Ford does write it all down, he makes sure to tell things to Stan that he feels he can - without stressing him out or stating too much, stuff Stan isn't 'built to hear'.

They become a mutualistic symbiotic duo, to put it bluntly. A bloody, messy, unstable symbiosis where Ford helps Stan physically and Stan helps Ford mentally.

They're criminals, vagrants, murderers and nomads. But most of all, they're brothers. Brothers that have been terrible to each other, breaking and maiming each other, but they rely on themselves.

They're all they have.

Gonna tag @koraesdoodles and @trangenderstan cause you guys requested this AU :D I admit I didn't change much. Just built on mental states and gave probable backstory to the major element of the AU.

I can see myself making a fic about this. Who knows, might just do one.

Next episode; Evil!Stan

[saezurufeels]

Who do you think has coped better with the 4 year separation: Yashiro or Doumeki? And also why did Amou help Doumeki get back into the yakuza?

Yashiro spiralled into an identity crisis, while ironically becoming more aware of himself. He could no longer pretend to be someone he wasn’t, so he lost his lifelong coping mechanism and his only distraction method. He appeared pretty uninspired, downcast, foggy (trouble recalling events and remembering things), irritable (limited patience with Misumi, Nanahara, and even Doumeki), which are all symptoms of depression. In chapter 47 he expressed that his life was pointless and irredeemable, or more broadly, hopeless, which are also symptoms of depression. And, he also alluded to wishing he were dead, while remembering how he lost sight in his right eye.

It’s harder to know what Doumeki was going through, since he’s expressionless even when he’s content. But we know that Muraji described him as gloomy and quiet. We can also suppose that he suppressed his sexuality for those 4 years out of guilt, given that he didn’t admit to having a girlfriend or sleeping with sex workers. He also believes that woman wouldn’t approach him because of his scars and that Tsunakawa doesn’t trust him & wouldn’t promote him. To me, these things suggest that Doumeki thinks of himself as unsuitable for certain roles and replaceable. After their reunion, Doumeki admitted that he hasn’t forgotten that Yashiro cast him away. And I would imagine he didn’t forget the whole reason he joined the yakuza. I would also imagine the rejection hit him hard, considering that Yashiro more than showed Doumeki his love for him.

I guess everyone can make their own judgment, but it’s clear that they both struggled. I think the most heartbreaking aspect of their separation is that they both knew what they were missing out on the whole time. They knew what they could have had was at their fingertips— the joy, the love, the trust, the understanding, the respect. Yet, they would never have those things again.

Maybe if we consider how the last 4 years benefited each, it might be easier to decide who coped better. Yashiro became “half-civilian,” which is half a step closer to being free from a life of greed, selfishness, dishonesty, and corruption. As a result, he probably has much less contact with yakuza assholes that look down on him, or resent him for his bond with Misumi. Yashiro’s ability to thrive on the fringes of the underworld is also a testament to his own normalcy; it’s his proof that he can indeed blend in with the rest of society, disproving the “fact” that he is a deviant who is only fit to be a yakuza.

Doumeki on the other hand has undoubtedly grown as a person. He’s developed his own values and built relationships with people. He spent 4 years working his way up from live-in servant to debt-collector, which is definitely an achievement. That’s probably the yakuza equivalent to graduating from university. He gets to use his strength and natural qualities without judgment from his peers. He rescued Niki. Doumeki’s probably felt a range of emotions, and a variety of good and bad experiences. All in all, he’s not holding onto one single thing for happiness and fulfillment, like he did in the past. Although he probably struggles with immense guilt, I think he’s also developed some confidence in himself and his abilities. He certainly comes off as extremely self-assured post timeskip. Everything being said, it’s pretty hard to decide who coped better, so I’ll let everyone come to their own conclusion.

As for why Amou helped Doumeki back into the yakuza, I think it’s probably because he saw himself in Doumeki. Amou also followed Misumi into the yakuza despite being discouraged from it, and having other, more desirable paths available to him. Amou can understand and empathize with Doumeki’s feelings as well as his struggle, and simply wanted to help him out of kindness.

Thanks for the great questions!

[whataboutfractions]

you have a point there, anon! but i think there are some crucial differences to our interpretations of godtiers in this context with respect to their purpose and definition

while i won't deny that a godtier can very much be a path - an "endgame", so to speak, befitting its original etymology from gaming slang - i feel like the exact nature of it is highly dependent on the context not only of the character it applies to, but the narrative that they're in; both the aspects and classes involved in a godtier are frequently associated with metatextual elements and theming far beyond the character's control, and so analyzing mighty within the context of bmj's original narrative, i actually don't interpret a theoretical godtier for him as a goal or path so much as a singular crystallization of his role in the story on both a broad and an intimately narrow level

additionally, in my interpretation of classpecting i don't think it's accurate to assign any class "good" or "bad", whether related to their aspect or otherwise - one of the most key parts of a classpect, to me, is a tragic sort of irony in that its meaning and abilities are both the character's greatest weakness and greatest strength, and this is echoed in the duality of their actions within their role: a prince, for example, is not just destruction of their aspect but by their aspect

like you said, connections - Blood - are the most crucial element to mighty's character, both for better and for worse. again and again, in his composition as a character and his role in the narrative, he's informed by not only his relationships with the people around me but the concept of relationships and connections as a whole, with this being just as much a comfort and an anchor for him as it is a regret and a weakness, but where we define his active relationship to these elements is where we assign a class under his aspect

and just as he's informed by his association with connections, time and time again mighty is informed by his capacity and ability to destroy. hell, it's in his name itself with the english loanword used - his unparalleled destructive strength compared to the rest of the cast and the world he inhabits is a point of both immense pride and immense guilt for him, which would make me inclined to choose Prince for his class to begin with, but then when we get to the intertwining of his potential aspect and class that's when i'm certain

the tragic irony of classpects comes fully into play with the impact of mighty's actions throughout the narrative, and beyond just fitting as a Prince and a hero of Blood individually, he's a spot-on match for both aspects of the actions that define a Prince of Blood, and i think there's something painfully poignant about how the single best example is that his suicide, severing the connections he'd considered most important in his life, was motivated by his deep love for those connections in the first place: in destroying himself, it was destruction both of Blood and by Blood

[lokisprettygirl]

Slumber Island takes my breath away with every new chapter... and it's so good!

I still have so many questions and I can't wait to get more answers...I try to stay patient 😅😅

Poor y/n, the horrible nightmare came back after she and Loki had this wonderful intimacy, it makes me so sad. But unfortunately what was done to her through her "friend" won't heal overnight.

"You considered him a friend, he promised to take care of you, then why was he hurting you"

This is not a friend, this a monster and he did something that is worse than murder: to rape her multiple times is a horrible crime and he condemned her to live with it. She needs not only to heal, she needs justice too. Fortunately Loki is there for her and I'm sure with time she's able to heal and close this case one day.

I have the bad feeling that this monster is going to show up again...and talking about justice for y/n, hopefully Loki can give her the strength to fight for her own and to fight this battle...she has to because only then she can feel strong, confident and self-determined again. Loki will give her the feeling of safety to do so (and I hope he won't let this "friend" go unharmed). She's really blessed with him 💕

Her wake-up status is absolutely understandable but it also made me very sad...for both of them. In her status she just wasn't able to show him a different reaction, she thought it's him and not Loki.

Loki treats her always with understanding and compassion... it really touches my heart every time...he's unbelievable and to good to be true. How can I not love him 🥺🥺

"Darling listen..." he got off the couch in an attempt to comfort you but it only scared you more. He will hurt you. You didn't want him to hurt you anymore.

"...I'm begging you, just goooooo" his eyes teared up as he looked at your broken state.....maybe what happened last night triggered something... he wanted to comfort you, he really did but knew better than that so he vanished..."

How she clutched the shawl🥺... she wanted Loki around her but at the same time she wasn't able to see what was still the aftermath of the nightmare and what was reality.

....you were far away from that place and that monster, he would never harm you again, Loki would protect you lik-. As soon you thought about him you felt immense guilt and regret....you treated him as if he was the one who had hurt you.

I get it but she shouldn't feel guilty... Loki understood her, he would never blame her for her behaviour. He knew what triggered her.

...why was he even tolerating you? Would he even want to see you again? He didn't deserve that treatment after the night you both had shared.

"I'm sorry...I never wanted to hurt you...I'm sorry "

Loki wasn't any better, he heard you apologising and his heart only broke into tiny little pieces...he wanted to hold and to comfort you but he didn't want to hurt you or scare you even more...

This made me cry, it's so sad 😞😔. But there's hope she'll make it, overcoming her trauma and being together with Loki...

"I can't...I don't want us to...get intimate again"....but he understood your stance...

It wasn't that you didn't want to do it, you wanted it all and you wanted it again but he didn't deserve to be treated how you treated him this morning. And you knew it would happen again. You'd never be undamaged again.

I'm sobbing 😭 😢 🤧. She wants him to do the opposite of what she really wants. I'm happy that he sensed the truth behind her words...and how respectfully he is again.

...as much as he wanted to read your thoughts and learn your actual reasons behind the decision you had taken, he knew better, it would have been unethical.... your mind was the one thing you had under control and he didn't want to take that away from you or break your faith you had in him.

"And it's alright...I'm still going to be here however you need me sweetheart "

He always let her be in charge, she makes the rules, he's so selfless, supportive and protective...how much I love him for that.

Yes, she will make one step forward and then two steps back, it's a long process but everything will be fine one day. She will be able to close that door.

I need to add some more of my favourite parts because they touched me deeply:

...since you had seen him last, the angrier you felt with yourself. You missed him desperately, you missed his touch.

...but Loki has been so good to you that last night you forgot everything but him, the intimacy and the sexual nature of the act you performed on him didn't feel suffocating, it didn't make you feel violated, it felt liberating instead. (!!!!)

You were able to replace those awful feelings with his touch, with his sounds and with his scent then, you thought you had taken a step forward but everything was still the same now. You'd never heal.

Little did she know or I should say, realise. She already made big steps forward, she needs some more time, the healing process includes partial setbacks, and her strategy how to get over her past is very good. And she's well aware of her growing feelings for Loki. On the one hand she feels humiliated by her act that morning and on the other hand she wants nothing more than his arms wrapped around her.

...what are you feeling? It can't be love, right? It sure can't be. He was a god for god's sake. You can't be in love with a god.

And again in the night he and his house are there ... her light in the darkness, he'll never let her alone, he promised it. Both need each other so much but its not the right time in that night. I can't stop thinking about Loki's punishment getting longer with every time he stays with or around y/n 🥺

Now let's talk about Nat's birthday party. Her eyes teared up when y/n gave her the apple pie so she was touched by this gesture and remembered former times...👀. But so many things are fishy...does she know about the poisoned drinks and food (it's so good that Loki is there and made everthing safe for y/n)? Can we trust her? Why is she playing along with this cruel game? Would there be consequences for her when she won't do it? Why does she wear jewellery, dressed up like a...queen? It seems to me she wanted to say something and wanted to behave differently but isn't allowed to do so 👀🤔. It seems like Clint and Bruce have some kind of power over her.

Talking about playing games... I like how y/n is playing games with Steve.

"Oh the cheater right?" You looked at him as he said that, you remembered telling him that the last time you were here....

"Wait how did you know that? I have never told you about him being a cheater" you watched him go pale as a ghost...

She also plays her cards right during the dinner (thankfully with Loki's help)...and what is it about Bruce? Can I punch him in his face pretty please? Soo bad for him that his or the plan, to poison y/n, doesn't work...(*sarcasm off*) 😜😎

But why do they still want to poison her? To make all plans (whatever these plans are...sacrificing y/n) work now?

For me it felt like I had seen a different y/n at the party. Still scared but also confident. And I like to see it.

I'm still wondering about this:

Why a birthday party when it isn't Nat's birthday...or did they celebrate the anniversary of the day when she survived and was ...reborn?(a second birthday so to say)

....you had to find out why he was so scared of the house, Minola was they reason you knew that but why? Even Loki haven't told you the complete truth just yet.

The woman y/n had seen before on the market and who served the food at the party, Marjorie, Bruce's wife with the judgemental glare in her eyes, the uncomfortable silence when y/n wondered about why Phil wasn't invited, everyone looking at her but also at least one person averting their gaze...everything here is spooky.

I'm so glad that Loki is always by her side to save her.(I really love the imagination of him looking like a supermodel 😍😉...it has to be this gif 😅)

It's so cute how she's concerned about Loki. Did he eat, was he okay, was he missing her as much as she was missing him...of course she has fallen in love with him...and how could she not?

He wasn't attainable, it was impossible ... time will tell...

What is the most important thing in a relationship, no matter if it's an established or a new one? To talk to each other and I'm glad that they talked after the party. And I expected nothing else than exactly this reaction from Loki.

"Hurting me darling? You felt terrified when you woke up...I knew something would prompt that reaction after the night we shared" his face warmed at the imagery, and so did yours, it was a beautiful night.

Aahhh, why are they so cute, and she already made little steps into the right direction 🥺💚💖

"...don't give that wretched scamp such a power darling.....Those wounds would take time to heal. It's never that easy now is it?"

"But I don't want to disrespect you like that again and again..I don't want to annoy you or make you leave..I need you "

"Oh sweetheart, you did nothing of that sort you could never annoy me....I am not leaving, not going anywhere not unless you want me to.."

...he was there for you. No questions asked, no conditions imposed, he was just there, selflessly and wholeheartedly

Well, I'm crying again now 🥺🥺😭😭😭😭...I can't handle so much sweetness and love 💖💖💖💖😅😉...they're too cute together.

She isn't damaged forever, again she tried to turn a bad memory into a good one, to replace it with a further intimate situation with Loki... she wanted him on top of her, shirtless 😳😳...WHAT A BIG STEP FOWARD...it's the worst situation for her she could ever imagine and she thought she could never do this again...and look at her...she can...with Loki everything seems to be possible for her because he gives her safety, trust and consent.

"Every time you feel scared or lonely in life, just remember that you have me darling, you have a god who'd never allow anyone to touch you ever again, not without your consent. I would never let anyone harm you and I promise you that my sweet sweet princess "

Those shiny orbs looked at you with such sincerety, there wasn't an ounce of malice or fakeness in them, he was so pure and he was your god.

Queen, what are you doing to me? I'm going to die...😳🥺🥰💚🤝🏻⚰️🤣

And at least, the cherry 🍒 on top:

You weren't pondering over whether you were in love with him or not, there weren't any doubts or confusions anymore.

Attainable or not, you knew you had fallen for a certain god, madly and truly.

Yep, that's right, my pretty god...little me in Germany...I'm dead 😵😅

You did it again, Queen, an amazing, wonderful chapter, everytime you put me on a rollercoaster of emotions 🎢 again and again...and I'm here for it 🥰. Can't wait for the next chapter.

I love you sooooo very much, my Queen 👑...and sorry for this much too long comment but I can't help myself, I had to do it 😄😘

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

I am deceased. Reason? This ask. I love how you are able to see the little things I put in there 🥹❤️

The monster got out unscathed and it's also one of the reasons she's unable to move on, she got no justice, the hospital tried to prove she was insane after that ordeal, then her mother died, it' was just too much at once, she tried to move on by coming to this place and then that happened 🤐

Thankfully she have someone she can trust fully

This y/n has lost a huge part of herself after she got cheated on and the accident, she can be bold and sexy, she just doesn't feel the confidence anymore, hopefully a certain god can help. Next chapter we will see a different side to both of them 👀

The way Loki is just there for her also makes her feel as if he has to be there and help her, she thinks he's doing it just as a favour..being a benevolent god and all, she doesn't think he's into her like she's into him.

That was a huge step for her and much needed too because the intimacy cant grow deeper and further if she's not able to replace that horrible mental image that keeps haunting her.

Natasha is being very weird but why? We will find out soon 👀

You're the queen of accurate gifs 🤣 the last one is my favourite though 🤗 I'm so glad you're enjoying this story so much, you have no idea how happy it makes me ..love you 💖

[jingyismom]

Whumptober day 6 is bruises, so I’m thinking about... wangxian, rated G, post-canon, pre-relationship, no warnings, 1.5k

Post-canon lonely Lan Wangji running into Wei Wuxian and getting to nighthunt with him every once in a while.

Wei Wuxian is so solid and determined when they're fighting together, and sometimes he just moves Lan Wangji physically.

Sometimes he doesn't remember to be gentle. He doesn't have to, with Lan Wangji—and Lan Wangji doesn't even notice in the moment. He's too focused to register the touch or the possibility of such a small, inconsequential hurt.

But later. Later when he is once again alone, as he understands he always must be. When he is meditating, when he is replenishing his strength. Sometimes he finds a tender place, on a forearm, or a rib. A bruise he could easily heal with barely a thought.

He never does.

He is touched so very rarely, let alone by the single greatest miracle of his life.

Often, he doesn't so much as remember when the bruise happened, which he considers a shame. A waste. But he keeps the evidence. Lets it linger, as a reminder of something precious. Leaves the imprint of Wei Wuxian on his skin as long as it will stay, even if it is just a few meager days longer than the miracle himself.

One day, one of the nighthunts goes on, and Wei Wuxian stays instead of ambling off into the evening. They share a room in an inn, and Lan Wangji can hardly contain his relief, his simple joy at being allowed to be so near for so long.

The next morning, Wei Wuxian rolls out of bed just as Lan Wangji wakes.

"Did you not sleep?" he asks.

"No, I did. I did, I just. Well, I slept a bit. I just keep thinking, why did the fierce ghosts move that way?"

He goes on, puzzling out some theory to which Lan Wangji listens, rapt as always. Their breakfast arrives while Lan Wangji is still dressing. He retrieves it from the door, and as he turns back with it, Wei Wuxian trails off, suddenly going quiet. When Lan Wangji looks at him, he is staring at the faint purple mark his own fingers left on Lan Wangji's wrist in the height of battle the day before.

Lan Wangji goes very still at the realization, but does not try to hide it. To do so would only bring more attention to it.

He gets his feet moving, and sets the tray on the table.

"Eat," he says, and retreats behind the screen to finish dressing.

To his immense relief, Wei Wuxian starts talking again, and they eat breakfast with no mention of it.

Throughout the day though, he keeps catching Wei Wuxian looking down at his left wrist, a deeply thoughtful expression on his face.

Then, when they have once again caught up to their prey, there is a moment in which Wei Wuxian reaches for him.

But he hesitates. He does not touch him.

Their quarry escapes once more.

They look at each other afterward, silently. They both know what happened, and why. Lan Wangji does not know what to say, so he says nothing.

They go to the next town, the next inn. Wei Wuxian seems to move on from the awkwardness, once again conversing in his regular, lively manner.

Until, that is, they both ready themselves for sleep, and Lan Wangji catches him staring once more, waiting as Lan Wangji is about to unwrap his wrists

He stops, and goes behind the screen instead.

Wei Wuxian speaks anyway, hesitant. "What is that?"

Lan Wangji does not try to clarify. They both know. "It is nothing."

Wei Wuxian does not tease, does not tell him lying is forbidden. He hears it all the louder for his reticence.

"I'm sorry," Wei Wuxian says. "I should be more careful. But..." he pauses.

Lan Wangji does not know what he will say.

"Why did it not heal? Did I...did I. Is it like a curse mark?"

Guilt and shame rise up Lan Wangji's spine, to have caused him to believe his mere touch to be inherently harmful.

"No," he says. "It is merely a bruise."

A beat of thoughtful silence. "Are you unwell? You should have said something."

"I am not unwell," he says, peeling off another layer of his robes.

He stops, then. He does not think he will want to have the rest of this conversation unclothed. He steps out from behind the screen to see Wei Wuxian watching him closely.

"Then why is it still there?"

Lan Wangji does not want to say. But neither can he lie to such a direct question.

"It is a reminder."

Wei Wuxian stares at him, silent, until something slots into place. His face goes tight at the edges, and as he takes a swig from his wine jar, his eyes look horrifyingly wet.

"You're the only person in the world who needs a reminder that I hurt people, Lan Zhan."

It knocks the breath from Lan Wangji more efficiently than any hit he has ever taken.

"No," he says. "I did not feel the hurt."

Wei Wuxian shakes his head, uncomprehending and pained.

"It is a reminder that you—" he stops himself. But then decides he must simply say it. "Touched me."

Wei Wuxian's face changes again, but does not relax. "You would rather I didn't."

The thought of that...well. Lan Wangji refuses to entertain it.

"No, Wei Ying," he says. "I would not rather you didn't."

They stare at each other. Wei Wuxian's eyes widen for the briefest moment, and Lan Wangji is afraid he has understood too much, and will want to leave. Or at least get himself a separate room.

But then, "I don't understand," he says.

Lan Wangji is not sure he entirely understands himself in this either. He largely does not try to examine such things too closely. But Wei Wuxian still looks as if he believes himself to be somehow in the wrong.

"It is easy forget," he says eventually. "When you are not there."

Wei Wuxian blinks, his mind working hard behind his sharp eyes. "Forget."

"That you have returned."

It takes a moment, but Wei Wuxian's face relaxes, then tenses again, differently. His breathing goes slightly harsh, and his mouth works.

"Lan Zhan," he says.

L

an Wangji cannot find any more words to say, and it seems neither can Wei Wuxian.

They go to bed in silence.

The next day they apprehend and eliminate their quarry at last.

After they have dealt with the aftermath and returned to the road, Lan Wangji looks down the path to Gusu. His chest is tight, as it always is when they say goodbye.

"Here," says Wei Wuxian.

He is smiling, small and private. He is holding out his hand. In it, is his red ribbon.

"To remind you," he says, trying for impish. Trying.

At first, Lan Wangji cannot make himself take it. He cannot make himself tell him that he already has one, from years ago. Stolen and hoarded away. One of his first crimes.

Eventually, he reaches out and closes his fingers around warm silk.

"You don't look happy," says Wei Wuxian.

Lan Wangji tries to smile. Wei Wuxian likes it when he smiles. He can usually manage it, for him.

But not at goodbye.

"Won't it help?"

"It may," he allows.

Wei Wuxian huffs. "Should I just come back to Gusu with you, then?"

Lan Wangji hears the teasing note too late. He has already looked at him, already shown him something he cannot take back. Wei Wuxian's expression goes slack.

"You want me to come visit?"

The understatement of this is on too grand a scale for Lan Wangji to acknowledge.

"I do not want you to do anything that would make you unhappy," he says instead.

Wei Wuxian just shakes his head. "I'd wear out my welcome even faster than last time."

"Where I am," Lan Wangji says slowly, meaningfully, "you are always welcome."

Wei Wuxian stares at him for a moment longer. "Well," he says, turning Little Apple around, toward the mountains and the sea. "We don't have anywhere else to be...and I don't exactly like the idea of giving you any more bruises." He raises a teasing eyebrow. "Unless you want me to."

Lan Wangji feels his ears heat dramatically. Wei Wuxian's grin falls, and he clears his throat.

"So a visit might be. Might be nice."

"It would," says Lan Wangji, "if you are certain."

Wei Wuxian nods several times, and tugs on Little Apple's lead. "Yeah. Yeah, I. Yeah."

Lan Wangji nods, and feels himself smiling. Wei Wuxian smiles in return They go back to Gusu together.

(They get it together on the way, and obviously live happily ever after with lots of good bruises and absolutely no more loneliness, the end)

[shewholovestoread]

Hi there. I like your analyses of L Word characters. I wanted to ask you why Finley seems to be obsessed with Dani.

Thank you.

Hi Anon,

I think Finley has a lot of unprocessed trauma that she hasn't even begun dealing with, she was thrown out of her home when she just 18 and still has a complicated relationship with her family. This comes up when Finley is dating Rebecca and it's serious enough that it ends with them breaking up.

She and Sophie first get together when both of them are going through a rough patch- Sophie feels neglected by Dani and Finley had just been dumped by Rebecca. They're both lonely and they find comfort in each other's company.

But even within the relationship, when Sophie and Finley do start dating officially, there's a sense that Finley sees herself as slightly less than... And it is evident in this scene:

I think Finley has always felt intimidated by Dani and this entire exchange only exacerbates this. Sophie says that she's not comparing Finley to Dani but I think she is and by the end of the conversation, you can see that Sophie's not thrilled, she looks borderline annoyed. Sophie is ambitious, granted not as ambitious as Dani but she does aspire to do better and move up the ladder. Finley is more of a free spirit, she's content doing whatever makes her happy without really thinking of whether or not it helps her prospects. It does bother Sophie that Finley isn't more ambitious but instead of having a conversation where she states her concerns, she chooses not to.

Even in episode 2, when she and Sophie have a blow-out fight at their office, Finley doesn't even hesitate to quit. She doesn't, for even a second, consider staying on. She's convinced that Sophie should stay since she's got the more important job and is really good at it. Never-mind that she could have really used the money she earned. She doesn't consider that maybe her strengths are different but no less important than Sophie's, her talents are just more intangible. She's great at putting people at ease, she makes them feel seen, she notices people, what they need and actively anticipates those needs. She's innately lovable, something Micah says even when he's annoyed with her.

In Finley's mind, Dani is everything that she isn't and she wants to do better for Sophie, she wants to be worthy because at the moment, she doesn't think she is. Dani's cool, she's got a great job, she's ambitious, she's beautiful. Finley doesn't pause to consider that they're both weighed down by their respective trauma but they have different ways to dealing with it- Finley with drinking and Dani with throwing herself into work, and neither is a particular healthy coping method.

This is the first time Dani and Finley have spent any time together since Finley crashed the wedding. Finley's apology to Dani is sincere because what happened had nothing to do with her, she was just unfortunate enough to get caught in the middle, Finley does feel immense guilt about what happened. Now add that to Finley's own deep insecurities and you end up with an awful combination.

She knows that Sophie was in love with Dani and she was happy and she's so desperate to make Sophie happy and proud of her that she goes to Dani, asking her what she can do to be better. Dani's understandably pissed off, the last thing she wants to do is give Finley pointers but she does relent at the end, being honest with her and telling her that she doesn't have it together and unlike Finley, she doesn't have people who give her emotional support when she needs it most.

This is after Finley and Sophie have a fight about her drinking and even though it was a conversation they needed to have, Sophie picked a really bad time, she brought it up when Finley was already drunk instead of waiting and tackling it when she was sober.

Finley is spiraling, I think she’s getting flashbacks to what happened with Rebecca, after all, this isn’t the first time that her drinking has been a source of tension with her partner. She thinks that she’s finally with the woman she’s in love with and she’s still screwing it up.

This scene is heartbreaking because you can see just how crushed Finley is. She realises that even after everything that happened, Dani is still doing better than her- she has an amazing apartment, she has a new partner, she's clearly moving on. Meanwhile, Finley barely has a job, she’s staying with Sophie and already the relationship looks like it’s about to fall apart. It's also telling how hung up she is on Dani's appearance, she feels inadequate in every way imaginable, Dani has everything she doesn’t. And the worst part is that Dani has nothing to do with any of this. She's barely keeping afloat but Finley doesn't know that.

Sophie is not great when it comes to communication, it started with not wanting to see Finley, to finally starting to spend some time together to finally admitting that Finley did save her from getting married to Dani. But the point where they start dating is fraught with mixed signals and Sophie blowing hot and cold.

They also got together too soon and didn’t actually talk about their respective issues. Compare this with Dani and Gigi, who got to know each other before they started dating, had conversations about Dani’s concerns and when they did hit roadblocks, they had frank and honest conversations with clear communication, they reassured each other and addressed the issues that arose. Sophie has a tendency to be passive aggressive and she’s not a great listener which doesn’t help the situation with Finley. And perhaps, most importantly, their dynamic is skewed with Finley being the weaker of the two and Sophie holding a lot of power. That’s not a healthy relationship to be in.

What's really sad is that Finley is deeply in love with Sophie but she also feels deeply unworthy of being with her. I think part of it is that she's terrified that Sophie will leave her if she finds someone more worthwhile (sound familiar?) The other part is that she knows she has issues and she wants, desperately, to do better. Her sense of unworthiness has more to do with herself than with anyone else, Dani's just become the focus.

[marshmallowprotection]

Although mystic messenger isn’t a great portrayal of mental illness, something I am grateful for is that in Ray’s route they didn’t do the whole “this is the good personality and this is satan’s spawn” it was just two personalities that wanted to be seen as their own person and be loved + accepted. Especially the whole concept of Danger Ray I feel only proves that as much as Ray is kind and considerate is still very much capable of cruelty and manipulation just as much as Suit Saeran is capable of kindness. They’re both very sensitive, Ray is just more passive complacent with his fear but Suit is more aggressive and sometimes lash out when overwhelmed (and from what I read from your blog, he’s like a protective personality.)

When I first played I was a bit worried, with Suit’s apology basically insinuating he’ll simply “disappear” and that I’ll be happy only with Ray made me really sad. I honestly cried bc I love both of them so much, I couldn’t possibly have a preference. But I liked that their personalities merged and you can see some hints of both of them in Saeray. As well as his strengths from both personalities as Ray was never weak but neither was Suit (the whole defining what it means to be strong like MC says)

I just think Cheritz did something right with that and I appreciate that with your immense knowledge of DID, you filled in so many pieces that MM did not or failed to consider. It gives me a better understanding of DID and Saeray in general.

I can say the same for SE Saeran too, how in the final photo of the Secret Ending he still seems withdrawn, showing that not all his problems were magically solved with one convo with Saeyoung. And even before that, his extreme bursts of anger and lashing at others yet his thoughts and dreams seemed so simple and pure(?). He just wanted to stare at the sky and be lost in it, and got upset when that was interrupted (even if they wanted to help, being vulnerable was like giving an opportunity for another betrayal). How he felt uneasy and scared that Saeyoung was in the same hospital room but didn’t want to express that to protect his heart, so he pushed him away through anger. Idk I thought that overall showed he has a long process of recovery to go through. I think you do well presenting that in your fic and posts. His constant turmoil and being stuck with his own thoughts and guilt. How giving into apathy, despair and anger for so long now makes him so tired and withdrawn.

You can always clarify and correct me with my thoughts, I value your input bc you seem to be very knowledgeable and have an amazing grasp on his overall character.

It's definitely not a perfect portrayal of mental illness by any means but most media do not have a great standing point with representation. That doesn't mean that we can't build upon what is put in the canon to speak to our own experiences and perspectives. I've spent a lot of time trying to explain to people that there is no good and evil to define Ray and Suit Saeran by.

Neither of them is wholly good or evil. That is not who they are, and it's a little disappointing when people act like Ray is an angel and Suit Saeran is the devil. That is not how you should be reading into their personalities by any means and I very much implore people to ask me or look into my reference posts to better understand what they feel and what they do. Ray is obsessive and in many ways and determined to cling to anything that will keep his fantasy alive. There is a reason why he gets an assistant ending. For such a long time he is in love with the idea of you. He has the tendency to do things without hesitating. He is also known to be self-deprecating, quiet, and broken. He has the capability to do bad things but he also has the ability to do great good. He personally designs your room and make sure that you have fresh flowers everyday.

Suit Saeran is defined by fear. A lot of people tend to think that he's just this angry person that wants to destroy everything for the sake of destroying it. But that's not who he is. The reason why he woke up and had to do something was because Ray almost got destroyed. The only crime that Ray committed was loving someone and he almost got destroyed for it. Love was a vulnerability and you can't have vulnerabilities in a cult that is built to break you. He lashes out to not only keep control of his anger because the only way he knows how to maintain it is to beat you down before he could get beaten down; But because if he is vulnerable for a moment, not only will he be destroyed, Ray will be destroyed, and you will be destroyed. So yes, I see him in a more protective aspect. Just because he's antagonistic does not mean that he is evil and bad. He does things because he's afraid. The same reason that Ray does things. They just handle it in different ways.

Cheritz doesn't confirm If GE Saeran is a fusion or a third alter. They don't confirm if Saeran has DID either. It's been mentioned that he may have BPD. But, again, most of these are up to fan interpretation and how we write the character. I feel like GE is a fusion. That's why I call him Saeray in my tags. I don't need to make this post any longer by explaining what Fusion is because I've already got a post on that. But, Ray and Suit aren't gone. Their memories and experiences do exist in GE Saeran and he is them, he is them and he is himself. You will see things that remind you of both of them, it'll happen now and again. They came together not because they willfully wanted to do it or that they thought it out, it was just that on the 10th day, they realized that they needed to be together to be able to get out, and in the midst of The Elixir induced dreams, a fusion wound up occurring but neither of them realized that that's what it was. You can see this when he comes to rescue you and he's still not quite sure who he is. It's not until you're in the garden he realizes that he is both of them.

And, yes, exactly. SE Saeran... has been continually robbed of choice. Can you imagine being put in his position where everybody in his life has controlled everything he's ever done? He hasn't been able to decide what happens to him. His brother left him without consulting him and then he was whisked away into a cult, and after being manipulated in that cult, he was dragged away before he could decide if he wanted to leave willingly or not. That's not even us counting the realization that he had when Rika was just using him like a tool and as his reason for living crumbled around him, he lifts his gun and... he did not intend to fire and he has to live with that. He is tired and hurting but that does not mean that he is completely lost. He has a chance to work on himself but it's hard. He was dragged into that bunker by his brother, and I don't really blame Saeyoung? Either he took his brother out of that hospital or the trouble that his brother was causing was going to make such a stir and that their father found out. Saeyoung took him out knowing that he didn’t need to do that but if he didn't do it then his brother would be killed before he had a chance to make a choice for himself. Knowing all of this makes it really easy to understand how much of a mess it is.

I do my best in what I'm writing because I want to be able to represent them in such a way that people can understand where they're coming from. His character means a lot to me so it's important to be able to explain why he is who he is. If people think that I'm doing a good job at that, it makes me feel really good. I don't know if Saeran would agree with that statement, but I guess I'll never know.

[taetaespeaches]

“It’s everything to lose.”

taehyung x reader/oc  (but also jimin x platonic reader/oc) genre: angst word count: 6K

a/n: well, this was a process to write lol. Basically, Peaches/reader and Tae are experiencing a mix of feelings due to their best friends’ (Jimin and Dear) break up. Fears of a possible relationship with each other are worsened, plus, Tae and Peaches are just sad because their closest friends are sad. Also, Peaches finally talks to Jimin for the first time after he broke up with Dear, so that’s a big part of this as well. And we get a brief moment between Peaches and Dear, our ride or die duo. Ok, that’s really it. I hope you all enjoy, and thanks so much for reading! :))

Grasping the back of your neck, you massaged your muscles as you yawned, your eyes set on the coffee percolating into the pot. You loved your best friend, and of course you wanted to be there for her, but her post-break up antics were beginning to wear on you as you failed to get accustomed to running on five or less hours of sleep night after night.

Leaning over the countertop, you looked through your most recent texts with your other best friend, Taehyung. The conversation, which started with him bragging about an amazing waffle he had just eaten, had turned a bit sour as you both defended opposing friends in their recent breakup.

It was hard to find common ground with the man these days, as he was on tour with the antagonist of your friends’ little drama, and you were in a constant state of being the shoulder to cry on for the dear protagonist. A sigh slipped from your lips as you scanned through the messages, the grumbling of the coffee pot sounding in the otherwise silent apartment.

You: He dumped her through text while he was away on tour. That’s fucking ridiculous and it’s cowardly.

Tae: You don’t know what’s going through his mind though.

You: There’s obviously not much going through his mind.

Tae: He’s your friend too.

You: And he broke my best friend’s heart.

Tae: I know that. I’m sorry, I hate this whole situation.

You: Me too. I’m sorry and I hate it too.

Tae: Is she at your place again?

You: No, I’m sure she will be but right now she’s out drinking with those stupid friends she has.

Tae: Oh….

You: Yeah. I’m anxious as fuck. I wanted to keep her from going out but you know, I can’t do that. She has to do what she’s gonna do.

Tae: I’m sorry to add to your stress.

Tae: She’ll be ok, Peaches.

You: No, it’s ok, you could never truly add to my stress. You’re my comfort, Tae, you know that.

Tae: I’m sorry you’re caught in the middle like this.

You: I’m sorry you are too. I’m gonna try to get some sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, have a good night, Dearest.

Tae: Sweet dreams, Peaches.

Craving for two seconds away from the ongoing story of your friends’ turbulent romance, you scrolled up on your text conversation with Tae, a faint smile appearing on your lips at the photo of a waffle the size of the plate it sat upon, followed by a photo of Taehyung shoving a massive bite into his mouth.

Tae: It’s definitely big enough for the both of us but since you’re not here I guess I’ll have to manage it alone.

Tae: I miss sharing breakfast foods with you.

Tae: Never mind, this is so good, I’m glad you’re not here to eat it all.

Your brief moment of relief was broken when your screen changed to display a caller you were not prepared to speak to. Guilt and anxiety settled into your stomach as your breathing hitched slightly at the image of his name and photo. The contact ID reminded you of simpler times, the man pulling a silly expression with his chin tucked into his neck to give himself two of them. He had called you a few times the past couple days, but you’d consistently ignored them, trying to avoid hearing the voice of the man you considered one of your closest friends.

You almost didn’t answer again. Looking to the room your best friend slept in, a serious hangover awaiting her on the other side of slumber, your thumb pressed on the green circular button on the right side of the screen.  

Pausing a moment, you shook your head before raising the phone to your ear.

“Hello?” You answered, your voice hushed as to not wake up the girl a few rooms away. A rush of air sounded through the phone, as if the man was sighing in relief, but that was the only response you received. “Jimin,” you sighed.

“Hey,” he spoke quietly, defeat coating his tone. He must not have had the strength to pretend to be ok.  

Another awkward pause ensued, both of you waiting for the other to break the silence first. With another sigh, you stood up straight, turning your back to the counter as you leaned against it. “Can you say something?” You asked.

“I don’t know what to say,” he admitted lamely, you licking your lips which became quite dry suddenly.  

“You called me,” you pointed out, annoyance in your words that wasn’t intentional but was true to your current mood. “You’ve been calling me for days, but you don’t know what to say?”

“I didn’t think you’d answer,” he said shakily, and you were sure there were tears bubbling up in his eyes.

Hearing the sadness in his tone, you chewed on your bottom lip, trying to conceal your own emotions in response to his tone. You weren’t sure your feelings even mattered right then. “Well I answered,” you told him, in a sort of assurance. Assurance of what, neither of you were sure, but it allowed Jimin a small sigh of relief.

“Thank you,” the man whispered, causing you to clench your teeth to hold back your pity and consideration for him as you turned back around to the coffee machine.

“Don’t thank me,” you told him, a slight anger behind your tone. “What do you want to say? I have errands I need to run.”  

As Jimin prepared his words, going through his mind to figure out exactly why he was calling you, you patiently waited, halting your movements as your hand sat on the handle of the coffee pot. You knew he needed time to gather his thoughts, and though you were angry with him, you cared for him enough to give him that. “I just miss you,” he admitted, a crack in his voice indicating the earnest admission.

Taking in a shaky breath, you let it out in a wobbly exhale. “Of course I miss you too,” you said honestly. You refused to lie to him about that. “But I don’t want to talk to you, Jimin.”

His words tumbled out of him bitterly, but it was shrouded in frustration, which you believed to be with himself. “You were my friend first,” he said, uncertain whether he regretted the comment or not.

“I’m still your friend,” you told him adamantly, though your voice was still quiet.  

“Then please talk to me,” he begged, almost desperate for the affection you normally showed him. Well, that you showed him before he broke your best friend’s heart.

“I can’t,” you told him trying to sound stern, but your exhausted state ruining your feeble attempt to put up a front.

A sniffle sounded through the phone, adding to the heaviness in your heart. “Why not?”

Holding the phone to your ear with one hand, you moved your other from the coffee pot to the top of your head as you scratched your roots in frustration and distress. “I can’t risk saying something awful to you,” you confessed through an unsteady voice. And that was it. You were angry with him, but you didn’t want to hurt him. “I love you, you’re one of my favorite people on this entire planet, Jimin,” you cried, your sniffling giving away your emotion to the man on the other side of the phone.

“I’m sorry,” he told you in a rush as you wiped away a tear.

“I see her every day,” you told Jimin in a whisper, ensuring your voice was too low for your friend to hear you if she suddenly awoke. However, you were sure the quietness of your voice was giving away that the woman he still loved was just feet away from you; just feet away from the conversation currently taking place, asleep in your spare bedroom. “I’m so mad at you, Jimin, god I’m mad at you,” your voice suddenly broke, no longer able to hold back the pent-up emotions. If Jimin’s thoughts had strayed to the girl nearby, the sound of your distressed voice surely brought him back to the present conversation; the present state of your friendship. “I need to process all of this before I talk to you because I love you and I can’t say something I’ll regret or something I don’t mean,” you explained as tears spilled over your lash line.

“I understand,” he said roughly, clearing his voice right after as if he was trying to pull himself together for your sake.

“I just-” You paused, holding your breath as you attempted to swallow more tears. “I need time so I can forgive you,” you told him sadly, clenching your fist together as you tried to steady your breathing. “I’m sorry,” you told him, your voice just above a whisper.

“Please don’t apologize,” he begged, choking back a sob. “I get it, take your time,” he assured you. “I’m really sorry for doing this,” he admitted sadly. The man sounded regretful and broken, your pity for him swirling around in the whirlwind of emotions you were currently experiencing. “All of it.”

You knew that was true. You knew he still loved her. And you knew he felt immense guilt for what he did to her, you, Taehyung, your whole friend unit, but mostly her. That much was obvious.  

“I do miss you,” you assured him through a small whimper, choosing to give him the reassurance rather than responding to his apology. “I won’t be mad forever.”

“I miss you too,” he told you sorrowfully. “I’ll be here whenever your feelings change.”

With that, you ended the call, leaving Jimin alone in his hotel room. Setting the phone to the counter, you wiped your face once more before grabbing the handle of the coffee pot, pouring some into the mug you had taken out earlier.

Thinking upon your conversation with Jimin, you wanted nothing more than to scream at him; tell him what an idiot he was. But you also wanted to wrap him up in a hug and tell him that he would be ok. You were my friend first. You scoffed, thinking of his remark, though a tear slid down your cheek. You wanted to be there for your friend, but how could you be when your other friend was just down the hallway, passed out after a night of trying to numb her heartache through the use of alcohol? He caused that pain. You were right to be mad at him… weren’t you?

It was almost astonishing how things, seemingly meant to be, could fall apart right before your eyes. Things weren’t always easy for Jimin and your friend, but they loved each other. One would think that love would be enough to get them through. But maybe love isn’t enough. Maybe fate isn’t enough.

Fate. Soulmates. They’re interesting concepts. Souls destined to find each other. But the rhetoric surrounding these notions don’t suggest that you’ll end up together.

But maybe if Jimin and your friend could see past everything that went wrong, they would find something worth fighting for still. It wasn’t simple, but it could be simpler for them.  

Something also simple but not simple at all was you and Taehyung. More and more recently, you had been realizing how much you love him. Maybe you both were meant to be together too. Tied together by the fate of your souls. But seeing how things can fall apart, perhaps it’s more risk than it’s worth. Wasn’t it better to have Tae in your life in the role of your best friend than it was to complicate things and lose him? You couldn’t lose him. You wouldn’t let yourself.

You sniveled as you brought the coffee to your lips, making an attempt at a deep breath before taking a sip. Your emotions needed to be locked down by the time your friend awoke. However, that concern came too late as two arms wrapped around your middle, the surprise affection causing you to jump in start.

The presence of her limbs were tentative as he she carefully rested the side of her face against your back. Breathing out in a huff, you relaxed a bit. “Jesus,” you spoke softly, but your friend gave you no response. Alarm bells went off in your head as her body trembled just slightly against yours. “You ok?” You asked, setting the mug down carefully.

“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed against you, and as your mind went into high alert, your heart plummeted into your gut. Immediately, you turned in her arms, wrapping your own around the back of her head, holding her impossibly close to you. Sorry?

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” you assured her, leaving a kiss to the side of her head on the top of her hair. “Absolutely nothing.”

“My behavior last night could use an apology,” she admitted, causing you to smile slightly though she couldn’t see it with her face buried against your neck.

“Well, maybe that,” you teasingly agreed, thinking back to the few hours earlier in which you had to drive to the club she was at because she had broken down on the dance floor. All anger, if there was any to begin with, however, had completely dissolved when you pulled up outside the establishment to find her sitting against the wall in the cold, mascara stains down her cheeks as she sobbed about how much her heart hurt. “But are you even apologizing for that?” You asked her, realizing she must have heard you on the phone with her ex.

“Partially,” she cried harder. She knew the strain the breakup had put on all four of you, and though it wasn’t her fault, she still felt guilty. You knew she did. Her heart was too soft for her to not take some sort of blame.

Allowing her to cry in your arms, you moved your hand to the back of her head as you tried to make her feel safe. “You’re gonna be ok,” you whispered to her repeatedly in a gentle tone.

After a few moments, she pulled away to look at you, your thumbs moving to her cheeks to wipe the tears away, though more continued to fall, quickly replacing them.

“How is he?” She suddenly asked you, her lip trembling as she held back a sob.

Scanning her features carefully, you debated your answer. If you told her he was ok, it would make her feel pitiful for not being ok, plus it would be a lie. If you told her he wasn’t ok, it could possibly hurt her even more. Locking your eyes on her pleading ones, you sighed. “About as good as you,” you told her simply, holding back your own tears as she broke down, your arms wrapping around her shoulders to bring her close once again.

Placing a hand back against her head, you held her to you tightly. “Why does that make me feel worse?” She asked against your shoulder, her voice muffled from your sweatshirt.

“Oh babe,” you spoke softly near her ear, a tear slipping from the inner corner of your eye. “Because you still love him.”

You weren’t sure if you should have said that, but it was true. And maybe if she heard it from you, she would face those feelings. As she cried against you, your mind raced over everything that had happened that morning already. Everyone was so broken, and suddenly your mind found its way to Taehyung. Because he was the only one you wanted to talk to in that moment. He was your comfort.

But what if you didn’t have him anymore? Two people as meant to be as Jimin and the girl in your arms couldn’t even make it work. Add in your fickleness in love, and where did that leave your odds at success with Tae? You refused to break him, and you couldn’t lose him. You just couldn’t.

Hauling your groceries through your apartment, your phone started ringing in your pocket. Rushing to the kitchen, you set the bags on the floor before grabbing the device, finding Tae on the other side of the video call.

Accepting it, you waited for his face to appear on the screen before greeting him. “Hi,” you answered in a huff, Tae immediately chuckling at your hectic state.

“Hey,” he greeted, “Are you busy?”

“No,” you shook your head, dropping the phone to the counter just after speaking the word, causing the man to giggle further. “Just got home from grocery shopping,” you told him as you discarded your bag off your shoulder and onto the countertop. Taehyung hummed in response just as you propped the phone up against the side of your bag, situating it so he could see you as you stood in your kitchen.

“Did you get anything fun?” He asked, as you scanned the bags on the floor.

“Um,” you cut yourself off with a yawn, “I got those cookies you like,” you spoke through your exhale, looking at him through the screen to take in his appearance. “You look handsome,” you told him, the man smiling slightly at you as you stared at his still damp hair atop his head, giving away that he had showered recently.

“You tired?” He asked suddenly, being met with your groan as you stared down at the groceries without moving. “What happened last night?”

“Well, she went out with those friends and of course it was too soon for her to be out partying and I had to pick her up at 2 am outside of the club because she had a break down,” you ranted to him as you knelt down to begin taking items out of the grocery bags.

“Jesus,” he sighed, your eyebrows raising at his response.

“What?” You questioned defensively, piling items onto the floor as you emptied all the bags.

“I didn’t mean anything by it,” he tried to evade your anger. “I’m assuming she’s not there right now?”

“No, she went back to her place for a bit,” you told him. “What was with the judgmental tone just now?” You pressed.

Looking up at the phone, you watched as shook his hair out with his hand. “It’s just, that’s not really fair to you, is it?”

Scoffing at him, you stood, not bothering to look at the phone as you brought some juice and a few other items to the refrigerator.

“I just mean, you deserve some rest,” he added. “A break maybe.”  

“Well I don’t get a break because your best friend broke up with mine and she’s devastated,” you said coldly, shutting the fridge door and turning back to face the device.

“He’s your friend too,” he reminded you, his eyebrows raised, causing you roll your eyes.

“I know that,” you said in annoyance. “But you don’t see what she’s going through every day,” you pointed out, feeling protective over your friend and her broken heart.

Reaching to grab a box of crackers off the floor, you headed toward the cupboard as Taehyung told you, “You really should talk to him.”

Letting out a dry laugh, you nodded to yourself. “Tae, she’s my best friend,” you reminded him once more.

“I get that, but he’s your friend too,” he repeated, causing you to sigh. “He’s going through stuff too,” he added. You wanted to scoff, but if you were being honest with yourself, your anger towards Jimin had diminished significantly since speaking to him briefly that morning.

“Well,” you thought out loud, facing the man once more. Folding your arms over your ribcage, you shrugged. “I’m sure he is but he did this,” you said, trying to remain firm in your coldness.

You were met with the sound of Taehyung breathing out slowly as his eyes stayed locked on you. “That’s not really fair, he’s hurting too,” Taehyung defended his friend.

“I love Jimin,” you clarified. “But I don’t have time to think about him when she’s at my place all the time because she can’t handle being alone in her own apartment for a single night,” you told him, staring at him as you waited for him to respond. Taehyung ran his tongue over his bottom lip as you sighed. “I know Jimin is hurting, but she is too. And it’s bad, Tae,” you told him sadly.

Taehyung sighed as you stared at him through the phone, waiting for his next words. “I know, I don’t mean to be insensitive to her. I know he hurt her, I get that. I’m just here with him and he’s a fucking mess,” Tae huffed. “I don’t know what to do,” he admitted sadly, giving you a defeated shrug.

Stepping closer to the phone, you shook your head slowly. “I don’t either,” you admitted. You both sat in silence for a moment, watching each other through opposite sides of the phone, your remaining groceries still waiting on the floor.

Taehyung was the first to break the silence, asking, “What are you thinking?”

Sighing, you ran your hands over your face. “I don’t even know, I’m just-” you stopped yourself, not sure if you should speak your next words; because of the implication to you and Tae.

“What is it?” He pressed, resituating himself on the bed as he sat laid across a pillow, his head supported by his hand. “Peaches,” he said gently, causing you to relent.

“Maybe they shouldn’t have ever gone from friends to more,” you thought aloud, Tae’s silence feeling heavy on your heart as he tried his best to keep his face from giving away any emotion.

“You think?” He asked simply, his feigned indifference covering up the hurt you knew was there.

“It’s just a hard leap to make,” you explained, leaning against the counter on your elbows, holding your chin in your hands. “If it doesn’t work, this is where it leaves you.” Your eyes were glued to the phone as you watched him carefully. Suddenly, you felt angry at these fucking phone companies who couldn’t make a better camera or give you a better connection to be able to read the emotions flashing through his eyes and features more closely.

“Sometimes it works though,” he told you quietly, his voice nearly shaking, almost as if he was meekly defending himself.

A lump formed in your throat that you didn’t believe you’d be able to ever swallow, knowing you were the cause of the sadness he was feeling. “But if it doesn’t, that’s a lot to lose,” you argued, your voice faint as the emotions sat in your vocal chords.

“But it can work,” he said a bit louder than his last comment, his voice more assured as he licked his lips.

“Tae,” you sighed, cocking your head to the side just slightly. You both knew you were no longer talking about your friends’ experience with moving from friends to lovers. There had never been any confirmation from either you or Taehyung, but sometimes it seemed as though there was an unspoken understanding of how you both thought of each other.

“Look at Jin,” Taehyung countered, pointing to the fact that Jin and his old friend had successfully added romance to their relationship over a year earlier. “They’re doing really well, they’re happy.”

“Tae,” you called out to him gently, attempting to swallow as your eyes shined with emotion. When he responded with his silence, his sad eyes scanning over your features carefully, you chewed on your bottom lip as you attempted to hold in your emotion. “It’s a lot to lose,” you whispered, holding his gaze. “It’s everything to lose,” you added, blinking a few times as Taehyung looked down to the bed and began picking at the comforter. A few seconds of silence went by and you didn’t realize you were holding your breath until you suddenly exhaled, feeling breathless and tired. “Dearest,” you addressed him softly.

“No, you’re right,” he said half-heartedly, keeping his eyes directed downward. “It is everything to lose,” he agreed with a small nod, looking up to you.

“Everything, Tae,” you emphasized, hoping he would recognize that he was everything to you.

“You really should talk to Jimin,” he changed the topic, his tone stronger as he seemed to easily move on from your unspoken confessions. Inhaling deeply, you nodded slowly, standing up straight before moving back to the groceries. Trying to shake yourself out of the conversation that just took place, you spotted the cookies sitting on the floor.

“I’ll think about it,” you replied before reaching for the package. “I’m not gonna save you any of these,” you teased, holding them up for him to see as his lips spread into a mildly amused grin.

“Well I didn’t save you any of the waffle so it’s only fair,” he played along, both of you pushing aside the tension between you both once more.

You would think about talking to Jimin, you meant that. But it would be hard to think of anything but Taehyung.  

With your thumb hovering over the call button, you sighed deeply as you tried to muster up some courage. Lowering your digit to the phone screen before you could change your mind, you nervously raised the device to your ear.

The rings were deafeningly loud as you awaited the answer, running your hand through your hair and chewing on your bottom lip; nervous gestures.

“Hey,” Jimin greeted suddenly, his voice appearing breathless as if he rushed to the phone.

“Why’d you do it?” You asked him, skipping greetings and pleasantries. A moment of silence encased the phone call before Jimin sighed.

“I don’t even fucking know anymore,” he said, a sob following the words as if he had been sitting on the edge of a break down for days; weeks. The confusion and heartbreak in his tone shattered your heart, filling you with guilt for evading his calls and texts for so long. “I don’t know if there was even a valid reason and I regret it so much.”

“I don’t understand what happened,” you admitted, thinking back upon their relationship and what they had revealed to you.

“Me either,” he barely spoke through his cracked voice. “I don’t know, it’s like, as secure as we made each other feel, it was like we could never fully rid ourselves of our own insecurities,” he explained through his cries. “I fucked up, didn’t I?” He asked as he held back tears.

“Oh Jimin,” you sighed, realizing what drove them apart. And suddenly, you had the urge to wrap them both up in hugs because in an instant, there was nowhere to place the blame you were previously placing on Jimin. It was both their faults, and also no one’s fault. Jimin had made the wrong move, your best friend didn’t make enough moves, and yet they were both just victims to their own intrusive perceptions of themselves.

“Our own shit just got in the way and-” he let out a harsh breath. “When I sent the text I immediately regretted it and I was just trying to convince myself that it was for the best,” he sniffled. “And I was about to take it all back and beg for forgiveness, fuck, I was thinking about leaving tour and coming back to her so we could fix whatever the fuck was causing all of this shit between us,” he paused as his cries took over.

“Why didn’t you take it all back?” You asked him.

You collected up the patience as you gave him time the time to think back on the breakup. “All of a sudden, she just stopped fighting,” he said sadly. “We were always fighting for each other, and she finally stopped. And I don’t know, I think it kind of cemented the idea that I did the right thing. It hurt, and it felt wrong, but she accepted the breakup and gave up.”

“Fuck, Jimin,” you held back your tears at the defeat in his voice. “She didn’t stop fighting for you, she just didn’t have enough fight left in her to take on your insecurities any longer,” you told him.  

“What’s even the difference?” He asked. “Whether she stopped fighting willfully, or whether I took the fight out of her,” he scoffed, “I became too much for her.”

“I don’t think you could ever be too much for her,” you assured him. “Look, do you want me to speak to you compassionately or truthfully?” You asked, the question being met with a dry laugh.

“You’re always compassionate, but I want the truth,” he told you, you nodding though he couldn’t see it.

“You fucked up,” you told him, “but also I don’t think this is entirely your fault,” you quickly added. With a sigh, you thought out loud. “How do I word this?” you pondered. “You two are two of the most incredible people I’ve ever known and yet, you guys can’t fucking see it.”

Jimin scoffed, making you roll your eyes. “I said I was speaking truthfully, so just listen to me and try to actually hear what I’m saying for once,” you told him, the man agreeing to listen by giving you his silence. “You see how incredible she is and that makes you insecure because you don’t see yourself living up to what she deserves. And it’s the same for her, she doesn’t think she can be what you need and what you want, despite you assuring her constantly that she’s everything to you. And that holds you both back from being exactly what the other person wants,” you paused for a moment, letting the words permeate Jimin’s brain. “If you two could just be who you are and give each other that version of yourselves, you wouldn’t be in this situation,” you explained to him. “She fell in love with you, she just wants you.”

“Fuck,” he sobbed, the pained understanding echoing in his single expression. “But I fucked it up, I hurt her and I don’t think we can fix it this time.”

“I truly do not understand how you can be so wrong about this all the fucking time,” you groaned. “She is in love with you,” you told him, enunciating the words carefully. “You hurt her, and you hurt her bad, but she hasn’t given up on you,” you told him. “Whether she admits it or not, she’s waiting for you to fix it,” you informed the man. “So fucking fix it. Stop holding yourself back and just be happy, Jimin.”

“I don’t know if-”

“Be happy,” you interrupted him. “Stop being so idiotic and just fight for your happiness. Fight for hers,” you begged him, frustration over both of your friends’ moronic actions getting the best of your patience. “You both deserve each other because you’re both the best,” you went on, trying to convey to the man how strongly you felt he and the girl you both adored belonged with each other.

“She still loves me?” He asked, being met with another one of your groans. “Sorry, I just, she does?”

“Do you still love her?” You asked, knowing the answer but wanting him to speak it out loud so maybe he could truly hear it.

“With all of me,” he admitted sadly, a sniffle following the words, allowing you to visualize the tears running down his cheeks in that moment.  

“Do you really think that’s one sided?” You asked him.  

“I really don’t know,” he admitted, a small sigh leaving your lips.  

“It’s so simple but you guys make it so complicated,” you complained, the man giving you the slightest chuckle in the form of a single exhale. “You both lost the fight, but you didn’t lose the fight for each other, you lost it to yourselves. Does that make sense?” You asked.

“I think so?” He said, thought it came out as a question.

“You guys were defeated by your own insecurities. It’s not like you chose to give up on her, just like she didn’t choose to give up on you. You both just feel hopeless right now, that’s-”

“It’s not hopeless?” He asked, and despite the negative comment, there was a renewed optimism in his tone that lifted your lips into a faint smile.

“No,” you shook your head. “It’s not hopeless.” You both sat in silence, nothing but your breaths sounding into the phone receivers. “I’ll talk to her,” you assured him. “If I get any sense that she doesn’t want you anymore, I’ll let you know and I’ll be full of apologies and you can hate me forever,” you told him.

“I could never hate you,” he scoffed.

“But if I’m right, which I know I am, Jimin, I know it,” you assured him, “then you need to find that hope and bring it back to her.”

With a sigh, Jimin agreed with a simple, “ok.”

“Ok,” you replied. “Fix it.”

“I hope I can,” he spoke softly, his voice still sad, but much less defeated than the start of the conversation.

“Hope is enough right now,” you told him.

“Thank you for finally talking to me,” he said, a hint of a smile evident in his voice.

“Thank Tae,” you corrected. “He talked me into it.”

“He really is the only one who can cut through your stubbornness, huh?” He asked teasingly, you chuckling lightly in response.

“I guess he is,” you agreed.

“Speaking of simple but making it complicated though,” Jimin noted, drawing upon your earlier words, and reflecting them back on you and your relationship with Taehyung.

“Tae and I aren’t complicated,” you negated Jimin’s observation, only to be met with a disbelieving laugh. “We aren’t,” you remained firm. “I know it seems complicated but, when it comes down to it, it’s the simplest thing ever.”

“Ok, break it down for me then,” Jimin asked for your elaboration. “How is it simple?”

“Because at the end of the day, we just love each other. So much so, that we’ll do anything to keep one another in each other’s lives,” you explained. “And that makes my relationship the simplest, easiest relationship I’ve ever had.”

Jimin hummed in return, thinking over your words. “That does sound simple, I guess,” he agreed. “But are you happy?”

You paused for a moment, surprised by the question. Were you? Were you fulfilled with Tae’s role in your life as you went and dated other people, finishing each escapade craving for more, anxious for the night to be over so you could call Taehyung and hear his voice as he expressed whatever was on his mind? The truth was, no one was or ever would be Taehyung. No matter how great they were, no matter how smart, kind, funny, genuine they were, they would never be him. But Taehyung was in your life, and maybe that was enough. So, were you happy? Turns out that’s the most complicated question you could have been asked.

“This isn’t about me,” you told Jimin with a small smile.

“Hey,” he said gently. “Are you happy?”

“I’m not unhappy,” you said assuredly. That was true, for sure.

“But is that happy?” Jimin pressed, causing you to sigh in annoyance.

“It’s happy enough,” you told him. “But one of us has to be happy, right?” You turned it back on him.

Jimin breathed out your name, but you dismissed him. “This is about you right now,” you told him. “If you fix things on your end, then we can entertain a discussion about my happiness, ok?” You asked him, though it wasn’t really a topic up for debate which he understood.

“Deal,” he agreed with a light chuckle.

Happiness, you thought. What was it? You were sure it was different for everyone. Just as you were sure it comes from many different sources. For you, though, your main source of happiness was seeing Taehyung smile. His happiness mattered most in terms of your relationship. And if he was happy being your friend and having you as his, then you were happy. Happy enough.

If he wasn’t happy… well, something would have to be done about that.

[paper-n-ashes]

sparks and embers - chapter 1

Characters: Poe Dameron x Original Female Character, Kylo Ren x Original Female Character

Story Tags: Explicit (18+), Canon Compliant/Divergent (Set after TLJ), First Person POV, Love Triangle, Slow Burn, Enemies to Lovers, Porn with Plot, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren hates Poe Dameron

Summary: Alexys is a doctor living a life of exclusivity on Raxus, hoping to survive through a peaceful existence, concealing herself from those she believes would use her, or kill her. When fate intervenes and instigates a perilous journey she'd been desperately trying to avoid, Alex finds herself caught in the middle of two sides in both war and love.

Preface: Let me say, I am immensely nervous about this. After months of back and forth inside my mind, I’ve decided to go for it and begin the long process of moving my long running series to Tumblr, along with changing the name (something I’ve wanted to do for a long time). I hit a big emotional road block after over a year of writing and posting, so I’m hoping this move will eventually get me back into the swing. But for now, I’m looking forward to revisiting the beginning of this space love triangle.

If you’ve already read the saga, absolutely NO pressure to read again. Each chapter will be edited a little, but no major plot points will change. To any newcomers who find themselves interested, the story is already posted on AO3 if you are desperate to continue. Otherwise if you prefer reading on Tumblr, or simply like the forced breaks between chapters, I’ll be posting a new chapter every couple of days. I know it’s not written as reader insert, but I just couldn’t make the story work out in any other fashion. I poured a lot of love and heart into Alexys so I hope you’ll give her a chance.

Chapter 1 - Crash Landing

Words: 3.4k

Chapter Tags/Warnings: descriptions of severe injury including blood and bone, medical procedures 

Read on AO3

~

I felt it before I heard it.

A booming crash of metal and glass, sending a shattering vibration through the walls and furniture around me. After the years of mostly silence I’d become accustomed to, the noise that came pummelling into my ears almost made me shriek in surprise. It was short lived, coming and going in a flicker so quick I had to wonder if it was real at all.

Lights began to flash, blinking rapidly in uneven time. The mixture of harsh beeps indicated something was faulting my electricity circuits, plunging me into the darkness of night over and over.

I could only question myself again at the plausibility of this being a dream, but the slow, increasing creak emanating from beyond the walls of this building brought me to a certainty.

Something had crashed outside.

Fear radiated through my limbs, leaving me stuck where I was standing for a few moments, before an uncontrollable urge of selflessness and honestly, curiosity, forced me to move and exit the safety of my clinic.

There wasn’t really a way to prepare for what I saw not metres away from my front entrance. A ship, an X-wing of some variety, was wrecked into itself, varying metals twisted and curled over each other, flames beginning to billow out from the creases. I could feel the heat of them rise as I cautiously stepped forward, taking in the scene with wide eyes. Only seconds had passed when I saw it – the movement of something – no, a person, demanding my attention. The pilot of this battered machine had been thrown just beyond the edge of its hull, broken transparisteel smattering the ground around them.

Hm, the Resistance should probably investigate their flight safety measures.

That thought quickly flittered away when the pilot moved again, this time with a painful moan echoing into the atmosphere. The switch inside quickly flipped, and an all too familiar feeling of conviction flooded through.

This is your cue Alexys.

I raced quickly to the pilot and knelt on the ground before them, fingers carefully removing the black and red helmet with both urgency and restraint as to not cause any more possible damage to their head or neck. The moan I'd heard just moments before let me know this person had some kind of airway, but it was pertinent I assess further. With the helmet gone I noticed the short, lightly waved black hair of a man, his eyes pulled closed, a few bruises and smudges of grey soot smattered over his face. His chest was moving, laboured breathing with the occasional heave on inhale.

At least he’s breathing.

“It’s alright,” I insisted. “I’m here to help you.”

There wasn’t any discernible response from the pilot other than a groan that withered away slowly, and that in itself was worrying. Kneeling over his body, I placed two fingers under the line of his jaw, halfway down, trying to feel for a pulse. I could sense the thump of blood under my fingertips, but it was too slow, too faint, too uneven.

Not great, but it was enough for now.

I began to scan over his body, knowing it was time to assess what was giving him reason to cry out in pain. There were severe burns on his left arm which had caused some of his flight suit to stick to the skin, with more scalds reaching down to his torso and abdomen. His right arm was almost definitely broken with the limb morphed into an irregular angle almost halfway along.

Without being able to look at them directly to ascertain whether I was going to be able to move him, I pressed on his hips gently, silently praying he hadn’t broken his pelvis. He muffled softly, but anyone who had actually shattered the bone would have screamed. As my eyes continued to scan down, it became obvious all too suddenly the shattered edge of his right femur bone poking out of the orange flight suit.

Kriff, this is not ideal.

I wanted to kick myself for not noticing it before, but there was no time, not with the very real possibility of him bleeding out in front of my eyes. My feet moved under me, racing back to the clinic room, knowing where the bandage and splint lay waiting, along with the anaesthetic injections I had stocked in the pharmacy cupboard.

He was certainly going to need them.

Within minutes I was back to the ground with the pilot, clicking together the injector handle and vial, piercing the needle straight into his thigh above the fracture site. I wouldn’t be able to wait for it to dull most of the pain, so internally, I braced myself for the scream I was about to elicit from this poor human's chest. The second I started to wrap the bandage around the splint, a piercing wail echoed through the air, almost causing me to hesitate. Still, my hands continued to haphazardly wrap the white material around his leg, pushing through the guilt it ignited. 

Suddenly, the noise stopped.

My eyes darted to his face as his head slumped over on its side. “Hey!” I shouted into his face as I scrambled back to the top end of his limp body. “Hey can you hear me? Open your eyes if you can hear me!”

There was no response.

I pinched at the muscle on his shoulder, harder and harder to elicit any kind of reaction. Nothing. My hand pulled into a closed fist and grinded against his sternum. “Come on, open those eyes if you can feel this!”

Still nothing.

Again I took check of his breathing, chest still rising and falling, yet shallow and with little power. His heartbeat had begun to race, but through my fingertips I could feel the strain in the muscle. Something was seriously wrong, even more so than his other injuries. Something internally. If I didn’t get him into the clinic, he was going to die.

In a snap decision, I chose to forgo an attempt to run back and locate the hover-stretcher. It would take too much time to set up and power on, time this man didn’t have. I would have to move him myself.

How the hell am I going to do this?

With my arms hooked and locked under his armpits I began to drag the pilots hefty body backwards towards the clinic behind me, thankfully only a few meters away, barely making it past the entryway when a roar of flames overtook the X-wing. I looked up to see the blaze almost completely engulfing the ship, a ferocious heat searing into my eyes and face. With even more urgency I heaved the body into the large clinic room, getting up and slamming the door just in time. Just before a house rattling explosion sent shockwaves into the atmosphere.

Lucky didn’t seem to be an appropriate feeling considering the situation I was in, but at least no one had died. Yet. With my last bit of brute strength, I hoisted the pilots limp body onto the closest hospital bed, noticing then the trail of red liquid I’d brought along with me.

Oh no no no.

With him still lifeless, I tugged at his body and limbs to lie flat on the bed, scurrying to my medical trolley and hauling it back to where the pilot laid, ragged breaths still thankfully escaping into the air. Snatching the heavy shears from the top drawer, I began to tear through the thick fabric of the flight suit, unclipping and removing as much of the life support vest and belt as I could. I had to be careful not to rip away the fabric that melted into the burns scattered all over his body, the number of them increasing as I peeled away the suit, starting from his legs, up to his abdomen and chest over to his upper arms. His torso was in full view now, a smattering of dark hair over his pectorals, underneath which showed the bruises of his crash’s impact.

Oh he’s definitely got some broken ribs.

As my gaze scanned over his skin, I could finally isolate where all that blood had escaped from. A deep penetrating wound just below the last rib on his left flank. As I registered his quick shallow breaths and the uneven rise in his chest, it became obvious.

Collapsed lung.

Whatever had pierced through his chest had poked an extremely damaging hole in his lung, the pleural space now filling with air, leaving no room for his lung to expand. My following movements were swift and calculated, almost automatic. A pointed scalpel was soon in my hand, poised to cut. But I couldn’t help but hesitate. It had been so long since I’d had to do this. And yet, somehow, concern for this stranger’s life was quick to weave it’s way through, dissolving my fear into pure resolve.

I made my incision in between the 4th and 5th ribs, using a clamp to push into the underlying tissue and past the pleural cavity, a gloved hand then entering to check I’d made it through. With an instinctive confidence, I guided the chest tube between the layers of tissue, undoing the ratchet of the clamp to an immediate rush of air. The pilot’s chest heaved in relief, along with my own.

One crisis averted.

But there was more to do. Connecting a drain to the tube, I haphazardly sutured it in place, before flying to the pharmacy cupboard. My stock of bacta was limited, returning with an already prepared vial into the pressurised injector, reminding myself I would need to use it sparingly if this stranger was going to make it through the full extend of his injuries. I had cursed at myself only a few times in the years past at being so far removed from a higher level medical centre that would be overflowing with bacta and medical droids that could help in exactly this kind of situation, but the thought had never burned me so badly. There was no way to know if I could keep this man alive with the resources that yesterday I had been more than comfortable with. I would just have to try.

I injected some of the bacta solution throughout the surrounding area of the wound and covered it with heavy dressing, knowing the bleeding would quickly be curbed. Unfortunately, the wound itself would take a few days to fully close, only ever being able to afford lower quality bacta. Before moving on to the burns, I placed some basic monitoring, lines extending from electrical dots over his chest, wrist and neck to the data monitor above the bed. As the numbers lit up on the holo screen, I felt myself breathe a small sigh of relief, having prepared for a much worse result. His heart rate was better, oxygen levels returning to normal, blood pressure not optimal by any means but high enough to sustain his life, for now.

After securing an oxygen filter over his battered face, I continued to inspect and clean as many of the small and more sizeable burns dotting his body. Even with the many I had uncovered, the one extending from his shoulder past his elbow was the one of most concern. Third degree and extremely unhappy looking. If I wasn’t quick to treat this, it could leak even more fluid from his already compromised circulatory system. I was thankful he still remained unconscious when I began to slowly shed the charred material melted into the skin layer. I couldn’t help but shudder as I remembered the initial scream this man had let out, knowing I would be hearing it now if not for his comatose state.

Covering the immense scald in as much salve as I could spare, I began to wrap it in protective antibacterial bandage, soon moving on to protect his many blisters and deeper burns with dressings. Glancing at the monitor screen, he was still stable, and swallowed hard. Now it was time to attempt possibly the most daunting part of this patient’s treatment.

His femur was still sticking through the tissue of his thigh, slightly dried dark red blood creating lightning strike looking lines extending from the wound.

I need to get some blood into him before moving this.

I quickly got to work on an IV cannula, his poor blood pressure making it significantly more difficult than it should have been. Two bags of O- blood were all I had, and a wave of dread coursed through me with the thought of that not being enough if this all went wrong. My fist squeezed the fast flow pump of the IV line, pushing fresh blood urgently into his system, making his blood pressure rise only slightly. With the last of the red liquid trickling through the line I wheeled over the portable X-Ray. It was so old the mechanical arm screeched at me as I positioned it into place over the pilot’s leg. The bone had to be at least somewhat in place before getting the bacta to work its magic or this guy might walk with two uneven legs for the rest of his life.

If he actually made it through the rest of his injuries, that is.

Shaking my arms out at my side, I sucked in a few deep breaths to build my stamina. Unfortunately, this stranger was stuck with a small framed female to attempt reducing his severe fracture. With one last inhale, I drew the courage to pull as hard as I could horizontally at the knee joint, digging my fingers into a vice grip around the limb and yanking it towards me. To my relief, the fractured edge of the femur to slipped back into the hole it was peeking out from, settling back under the skin.

Thank all the stars in the galaxy he’s not awake for this.

I quickly pressed the image button on the X-ray to assess the progress I’d made. The faint white lines of bone edges were stark enough on the grey background of the image. The fracture wasn’t reduced even nearly enough. I prepared myself again, with another deep breath I pulled hard. This time my efforts were forced into angling the lower portion of bone to try and lock it back into place. The grinding of bone edges could be felt through my fingers, pushing myself to pull even harder, creating more space between the fracture in the hope of giving a fighting chance of lining up the splintered edges. My muscles were whining, begging for this to be over, tears of exhaustion soon stinging at the edges of my eyes.

With one final twisting motion there was a sudden click.

Finally.

My relief was short lived.

It was slow at first, before racing faster. A stream of dark red blood pooling at the wound the broken bone had made.

Oh maker no.

Within moments the pace of the blood quickened. I shot my hands to the open flesh site, pressing down hard in an attempt to disturb the flow. The liquid quickly covered my gloved hands, already sure I’d sliced into the femoral artery. The pressure of my hands into the area made the blood spurt out onto my arms, my clothes, my face, everywhere. The monitor was screaming, blood pressure falling quickly. Wiping some of the hot coppery fluid away from my left eye, I slid my fingers back into the gash, moving desperately to stop the overflow before the man lying in front of me bled out, knowing it would all be my fault.  

You have to do it Alexys. He will die if you don’t.

The voice nagged at me, pleading to do what it wanted.

He’s with the Resistance! If he survives, if he contacts them, they’ll find me. And they’ll know.

It is time to decide. His life. Or yours.

Seconds ticked by fleetingly, numbers flashing on the monitor trickling down, the speed of blood flow from the pilot’s leg stubbornly keeping it’s intensity.

Everything I’d done to get here, to isolate myself so no one could find me. It would all amount to nothing. My easy, albeit lonely life, would be gone. All because of this stranger.

But I couldn’t let him die. Not like this.

In one flash, I removed my hands from inside the wound, ripping off my gloves and placing two palms at either side of the leg. With closed eyes, I willed the energy out of the depths of its slumber. From the darkened corner of my mind I pulled it back into existence, opening the gate I’d locked it inside for so long, letting it finally burst through and fill up my brain. From there it down through my neck, through my chest and down my arms, right to the end of my fingertips. Its warming glow was almost comforting, friendly. I would have basked in it for a while if not for the life that hung in the balance before me.

Through the pads of my fingerprints I pushed the stream outwards, connecting past the skin of this innocent human being, and felt the overwhelming heat of pain and dimming of energy.

Hurry, he’s dying.

I began to map out the tissue of his leg, frustratingly slowly, starting at the smallest of capillaries, weaving and winding through the flesh, connecting them through the maze of fat and muscle. I could feel the sweat forming on my forehead, my breathing forced and harsh. The vessels grew bigger as I pushed the energy through, skipping past broken points of other smaller injuries. I could fix them later.

Finally, I felt a molten warmth radiating close to where the maze had guided me. Racing to it, I sensed something pushing me back, the pressure of escaping fluid holding my efforts. I’d found the cut, but now I had to somehow knit it back together.

You’re taking too long.

The alarms of the monitor started to echo with a hollow ring inside my ear, fading until I could hear almost nothing. The world around me was blurry, only the image of vessel tissue and all-consuming redness visible in my minds eye. The energy I was expending began to burn me - I wouldn’t be able to keep this up for much longer. I reached out with it, what felt like many hands grasping desperately at the severed edge of the vessel, frantic yet delicate, pulling whatever tissue I could hold back into place.

Several fringes connected, the pressure pushing forcefully against me, making it harder to hold. I couldn’t help but begin to shake at the strain, the sound of my own heart pounding over the slowing heartbeat of the pilot. My grip was already beginning to fade before I started to sew the pieces of artery back together, an ache growing behind my eyes as I pierced an invisible needle through the tissue, over and over, still clawing at the unsewn edges as I made my way around the tube.

I was so close, the tension of the fluid still being driven out of the broken seal almost overcoming me. The unseen thread had almost made its way full circle. I was almost there.

My entire body rattled with exhaustion and pain. One final thread wove itself around the artery, its abrupt closure alleviating the strain on invisible fingers that had been clutching it all together.

You did it.

The energy dissipated quickly in a rolling wave, letting it retreat back into my mind, scampering to the secluded area of my brain, hidden once more. I felt light suddenly, dizzy, the world coming back into focus, screaming alarms growing louder. It was too much, all at once.

A sharp pang of fatigue enveloped every part of my senses and I faltered back, knees giving way, slumping to the floor.

Then, there was only darkness.

~

Next Chapter

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[honeybeanboo]

genshin boys with eating disorders pt. 3

CHARACTERS:

albedo

bennett

chongyun

diluc

kazuha

kaeya

razor

childe

venti ✔

xiao ✔

xingqiu ✔

zhongli ✔

MAJOR TW //

eating disorders

┅ venti ┅

❂ restricting and purging eating disorder

❂ started + time had: during the stormterror crisis - around a year

❂ who knows: traveler

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

the nature of venti's ed is discontent and loneliness

it all started with Signora- and the gnosis, oh his gnosis was what kept it all together, kept him together,,, he remembers watching humans as the breeze and wishing he could be in that body

and when he was finally in that body, he loved it

venti cherishes the human experience, he loves eating and he loves endulging in the human treats and experiences! he never understood why so many women around him, and to be fair a couple of men were so concerned about "gaining weight"

it never made sense to him? he could eat as much as he wanted and keep the same petite young look- until his gnosis was gone

he didn't notice for a while, until a little girl saw him walking by and looked confused. "that doesn't look like the statue? the statue is smaller...?" and it stuck in his head, it wouldn't leave

diluc wondered where he had done when he didn't show up at the tavern, wondered why he had stopped eating much, wondered where he went when he finally came back and ate to his heart's content and then left abruptly

he hates this human body now, he hates how it rolls and shakes - venti pinches it and frowns at how quickly it seems to go from boylike god to big and unwanted -- and it escalates quickly, he cuts off the bar, making the excuse that he wanted to drink less, avoids food and any time anyone offers him food, he smiles brightly and says he had a big meal just before :(

he's alone - alone in the bathroom throwing up the alcohol and dinners, alone on the cliffs, running up and down with tears on his face because only now does he realize how lazy it is to drift on the wind instead of dashing on the ground, he's alone in the Windrise tree- hands bruised and bloody from climbing up through the branches

all the places he thought were peaceful and comforting are now tainted with his trapping thoughts

- traveler heard him, they wouldn't leave his side after the angel's share and he resented that, he felt his panic growing and growing and before he knew it he was shaking,,, crying around the toilet with blood on the seat from his raw throat -- and so the traveler knew

┅ venti ┅

❂ restrictive eating disorder

❂ started + time had: almost out of nowhere, around 5 years

❂ who knows: traveler suspects

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

the nature of xiao's ed is self-hatred and bargaining

he doesn't remember when it started, he only remembers how good it felt to starve, how satisfying it is to kill enemies with an empty stomach- he's quiet and likes it that way

nobody ever knows because he just teleports away, disappears within seconds if anyone gives him so much as a judgmental glance

it's rewarding, almost as much as ridding liyue of his karma, because it's punishment, redemption, right? cleaning both inside and out, depriving himself of food like the nation was reprived,,, it's a balance, right?

xiao travels liyue, visiting caves, stuck in the endless cycle of self-revenge, but he can't die so it doesn't really matter to him

he deserves the pain doesn't he?

since he never really befriended people, it never occurred to him that it could hurt someone else, he never stopped to think how to hide this from a friend- he didn't have a problem, it was just something to rid himself of the unbearable hatred and guilt... so why did terror ignite in his chest at the thought of the traveler knowing

so he does everything and anything to keep them from finding out :( leaving in the middle of conversations, making excuses, turning down gifts, and it hurts his heart more than he thought it would, seeing their smile slowly turn into a sad frown

- he sees it as making himself suffer, a good trade for what he's done, the lives he's taken- bargaining with his own mind

- he doesn't realize he's addicted to the way it feels until he's forced to eat and immediately retreats for days, feeling immense hatred yet again

- he starts to let his guard and demeanor down around the traveler, his only real friend besides zhongli and even that is a stretch

┅ xingqiu ┅

❂ restrictive eating disorder (w/orthorexic tendencies)

❂ started + time had: when he saw a girl writing down her cals in a notebook, around 4 months

❂ who knows: no one

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

the nature of xingqiu's ed is secrecy and recording

it's a bunch of different things that got xingqiu's disorder started, from building pressure from his family, to what he wanted to do, to just his overall bookwormy nature, it seems like a recipe for disaster

and sadly it was, although the last push was by coincidence

a small glance in the library and he was pulled toward this girl, quite thin, writing down something in her notebook and another glance told him that it was meals, portions, nutritional details and he was immediately hooked

it spiraled badly from there, starting small with markings of eating a meal every time he would have it, then starting to notice other people not doing the same, the boy began to feel above them, since he could be precise and small, why couldn't they?

and so he did more, he made charts, he kept a daily track of each small meal, numbers filling up a navy bound journal and his brain every day, it seemed fine, he thought it would be good for his future as well since he wanted to be a hero, wanted to swing his sword with ease

xingqiu is already small so this only grows more concerning to random passerby who whisper to each other, "he's smaller than i remember"

- he carries his notebook everywhere, calling it his poetry archive and when chongyun asks, he doesn't even falter, reciting a poem from thin air

- he's hard on himself when he passes a certain number:(

- recently, he constantly feels dizzy, which he records down as a new symptom of his "mental strength"

┅ zhongli ┅

❂ restrictive eating disorder

❂ started + time had: when he gave away his gnosis, around 8 months

❂ who knows: childe wonders but doesn't think much

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

the nature of zhongli's ed is denial and pride

the geo archon wouldn't seem like the kind of person to deny himself anything right? considering he's also Morax, but when he handed his gnosis over, the man might have dove into human living a little too quickly

hunger and poverty was the main thing that he wanted to experience but it backfired

hunger was part of being human right? and that was what he wanted, so he starved, taking note of how it felt, how his mortal body reacted and he enjoyed it, it felt cleansing

and so he continued, increasing the length of his fasts and resenting the days where he would eat normally, or "ate like a god" as he liked to call it

it's quite convenient when he runs out of mora because there's his excuse easily grasped and childe just laughs it off

he doesn't even realize that this isn't normal, for being so smart, the man doesn't seem to observe how everyone else around him ate-- or maybe he does and simply chooses to fast anyway :(

- admitting it would mean he would have to give up this lifestyle he had begun to become accustomed to

-------------------------

part three! and final part is done hehe