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ladyeliot · 3 years

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I’ll fix it

Pairing: Tony Stark x Avenger Female Reader.

Summary: Everything changed the day Tony Stark felt your body fall apart in his hands, from then on a struggle to try to bring you back to him began.

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of death. Time travel.

Word count: 6283

A/N: Avengers Endgame. Some of the dialogue is taken from the film. Sorry for my spelling and grammatical mistakes, English is not my native language, I am learning.

Reader’s abilities: Master Martial Artist, experienced in espionage, talented Hacker.

There was a turning point in Tony Stark’s life, that moment when everything changed, when like ashes you scattered through space, when your body disappeared leaving motes of your essence in his hands.

The battle to save humanity was lost the moment the time stone, protected by Doctor Strange, found its way into Thanos’ Gauntlet, leaving only a single chance to deal with a successful end to the final battle. All of you present had led the fight with acuity, but there was little you could do, you knew that as you fell one by one. Your bodies lay in the ruins of the once superpowered planet, waiting for someone with the will to continue fighting death, Tony was the last one standing until Thanos managed to strip him of his own Iron Man suit, stabbing him in the side with the sword Tony had created with his nanonites. Something snapped inside you, causing the relentless pain in your joints to fade and you managed to get up, before the wizard offered him the last stone and Quill unsuccessfully tried to stop him before Thanos vanished.

“Tony,” you whispered awkwardly reaching out to him, wrapping your arms around his body.

The exhaustion was such that you both let yourselves fall and ended up sitting in the ashes of that place. You brought your faces close together, facing each other, letting them rest, feeling your connection again. The bruises showed what you had suffered, open wounds that allowed blood to spread freely over every part of your face. You had just lost too much, it was a break between before and after, but the one thing you couldn’t bear to lose was him. Tony covered his cut with the last of his remaining nanonites, expressing an inward groan of relief, allowing himself to think again about what had happened.

“Why would you do that?” he muttered pleadingly, looking at Strange, who stood a few feet away from you.

“We are in the endgame now.”

That had a meaning, only Vision’s name came to mind, he was the only one who could stop that, the one who possessed the last stone, the mind stone.

Little by little, the reunion of those present was the only thing that eased the pain, you were all there, none of you had suffered worse consequences. The silence of the planet made your skin crawl, warning that this could happen to the earth if the snapping were to happen. You and Tony stumbled to your feet, watching as Peter came to you.

“Something’s happening,” your gaze connected with Mantis who had just said those words.

You had never felt so much fear inside you, until you saw how his body seemed to extrapolate and turn into ashes that disappeared moments later. The mental and bodily blockade came over everyone present, the terror professing itself through their features. Tony’s fingers clung to your right arm, barely moving from where Mantis was before he vanished.

You all looked around anxiously, hoping to find some answer to the event that had just occurred, but you only saw Drax turning to ashes, joint by joint disappearing.

“Quill?” Drax looked at him as little by little his friend’s body parts dissolved.

“Steady, Quill,” with those words Tony increased the pressure of his fingers on your arm, showing his own insecurity.

“Aw, man,” Quill whispered before melting into the wind.

It had happened, no one could have stopped him, Thanos had gotten the five infinity stones and had done the snap. No one present had any idea how it had happened, but it was clear, your worst fears had been realised.

“Tony,” Strange muttered, causing the few of you present to focus your gaze on him. “There was no other way.”

And so it was that another one turned to ashes. But it wasn’t over yet.

“Mr. Stark?” Tony and you noticed that Peter was starting to wobble, your gazes were horrified at him. “I don’t feel so good…”

“You are all right,” Tony’s words sounded confident, but hid the fear he felt inside.

“I don’t know what’s – I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t–” Peter managed to reach you, falling into Tony’s arms, who wrapped his arms around him and pinned him to the ground. “I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go, Mr. Stark, please. Please, I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna go…” his voice was broken with sobs. “I’m sorry.”

You walked away from the scene, holding your hands to your face as you watched your partner’s body disappear, leaving a void in its place. So, in that moment you realised that your terror was based on the loss of your loved ones, of your family that they had become, you were not afraid of disappearing, you were afraid of them disappearing. You staggered a few steps away, unable to come to terms with what you were witnessing at that very moment, although you didn’t have time either, as a faint tingling sensation appeared in your lower extremities.

“Tony…” a faint tone came from within you, but his reaction was immediate.

“No,” he said, standing up.

You’d never seen him look at you like that before, it broke you to contemplate his watery eyes and fully dilated pupils, expressing desperation, being unable to do anything about it to stop it.

“I…” your voice trailed off.

“I got you, I got you,” his voice was broken, but rigid. “I- I promise I’ll fix this, I’ll fix this.”

You could feel his arms around your body with intensity, the warmth of his body reaching yours, but it was only an instant before you stopped feeling everything and disintegrated into ashes in his hands.

The secular emptiness came a few seconds later to Tony, it was the moment when he understood what had happened and what it meant. He belonged to that 50% of the population that had a second chance, but you were that 50% that had turned to dust from one instant to the next. A feeling indescribable to his mind invaded every inch of his body, he was lost, looking around him, hoping that it was all a nightmare from which he could wake up, but it was clear that he was living in real life, because you were not the only one who disappeared. Completely shattered, he walked through the ruins looking for an answer, some sign to hold on to, to tell him what to do, but it never came.

Time became his enemy, what happened made him realise that every step without you is a moment of his life lost. First it was days, then weeks, then months, then years, he spent a long period of time working against the clock, looking for a way to solve what happened, to come back to you. Thousands of ideas were discarded without coming to a definitive conclusion that could counteract the effects of the snap. Tony knew that if he gave up it would mean losing you forever, the life you had imagined so many times, which you never got to because of the countless missions and obstacles along the way. You were almost on the verge of touching it with your fingers once, after all that happened in Sokovia and the signing of agreements you opted to embrace the simple life, but Thanos and the stones came along and shattered your lives.

Tony had converted the cabin he built for you and didn’t have time to show you, into his own lair. He spent the hours locked away, barely sleeping, at least for the first four years, then he declined, until one day, the light seemed to brighten and his old companions appeared, offering him one last chance to get what he was looking for.

“Now, we know what it sounds like…” Scott was leaning against the wooden porch.

“Tony, after everything you’ve seen, is anything really impossible?” Steve looked at him with concern, Tony’s appearance had deteriorated over the years. He looked exhausted and full of unresolved doubts.

“I must say I sometimes miss this foolish optimism,” he grimaced, a grimace resembling a smile. “Quantum fluctuation messes with the Planck Scale, which then triggers the Deutsch Proposition. Can we agree on that?” his tone rose. “In Layman’s terms, it means you’re not coming home.” he paused. “What do you think I’ve been doing for these five years? Do you think I haven’t thought about it already?”

“I came back,” Scott interjected.

“No, you accidentally survived,” Tony cut him off. “It’s a billion to one cosmic fluke. And now you wanna pull off a…. What do you call it?”

“A time heist?” said Scott smiling nonchalantly.

“Yeah, a time heist. Of course,” Tony frowned putting his index finger to his lips. “Why didn’t we think of this before? Oh, because it’s laughable? Because it’s a pipedream?”

“When did you give up?” cut Steve off with rudeness in his tone of voice. “When did you give up? When did you give her up?”

Those were the words that made Tony rise from his seat, tilt his face to one side and force his facial expression.

“You have no idea,” she approached him, pointing her index finger at him. “Where have you been for these five years? Creating an armada of joint therapy groups? Has that helped?”

“Tony…” Natasha interjected, but he barely paid attention.

“While you were out here with your army of crybabies I was out here, day after night trying to find a solution to undo this mess we’ve created,” Tony paused, clenched his jaw and sighed deeply. “So don’t come to me now and say I’ve given it all up for lost.”

It was clear that Steve knew how to set Tony’s mind in motion, he knew where it hurt and how he could reignite their old friendship, it only took him naming you for him when the group left to pick up on every loose end he had created over those last few years.

It was hours of thought processes, of proposing to himself the quantum possibilities that could work, but more importantly the consequences, what could happen and what number of percentages existed to bring you all back. It didn’t take him long to come up with a way out, completely illogical to anyone except those who were as crazy as he was. So it was that after all this time he arrived at the New Avengers facility.

“Why the long face?” the car stopped in front of Steve. “Let me guess, it turned him into a baby.”

“Among other things,” Steve shoved his hands into his trousers pockets and looked straight ahead. “What are you doing here?”

“Not giving her up,” Tony shrugged and got out of the car, introducing himself to Steve, who smiled. “Mind you, I don’t plan to participate in any of your open tears.”

That opened a process of slow reconstruction of the events of the past years. It opened wounds, showed the aftermath, but also reunited all the Avengers who had managed to survive Thanos’ snap. The important thing is that there were enough Pym particles for a round trip for everyone present. But the important thing was to find out where the stones were located depending on the time.

They were fortunate, or rather lucky, that three of the stones met at one point in their own history in New York City, precisely during the Chitauri invasion. That was bound to cause a bitter memory for Tony, but it suddenly changed when he found out what it meant, he would go back there, he would do that mission, and you would be there. You were there when in 2012 the Avengers faced the invasion in New York, it was your first mission, when you were all recruited, when you met for the first time.

“Okay, we have a plan,” Steve reported after he had organised the teams. All eyes were focused on a screen showing the stones and their location. “Six stones, three teams, one shot.”

It was clear that what they were about to face was something completely new, none of them had had time to perhaps acquire the necessary skills to tackle this new job, new mission. It was back to the past, at least they had the advantage of knowing what the future held, of knowing what would be in store for them if they failed to succeed in their tasks.

“Five years ago, we lost.” Steve began a speech to his colleagues positioned in circles on the starting platform. “All of us. We lost friends… We lost family… We lost a part of ourselves,” Steve and Tony’s eyes met. “Today, we have a chance to take it all back.” he paused slightly. “You know your teams, you know your missions. Get the stones, get them back. One round trip each. No mistakes. No do-overs. Most of us are going somewhere we know. But it doesn’t mean we should know what to expect. Be careful. Look out for each other. This is the fight of our lives. And we’re gonna win,” silence filled the room.“Whatever it takes. Good luck.”

After those words, which were encouraging for all the events that were to follow, a space loop embraced each of them, transporting them through time and space, rendering their matter insignificant. Their bodies separated between space cavities transporting them to the right time.

Tony, along with Bruce, Steve and Scott, appeared in an alleyway in New York City in 2012. The smell of dust and molten iron wafted into their nasal cavities. Everything around him was in ruins, the great skyscrapers looked like they were part of a film of the earth’s extinction, it reminded him of some of his worst fears, but it didn’t distract him because he knew how it was going to end.

“We all have our tasks,” Steve informed them, looking around at an overturned car. “Two stones on the outskirts, one in the centre. Keep a low profile,” he shifted his gaze to Tony, who nodded, raising his hands. “Keep an eye on the time.”

Given the orders the group made a point of dispersing, but Steve held Tony’s arm for a second, focusing his gaze on him.

“Are you going to be all right?” His blue eyes showed concern, including his voice as well.

“Of course,” he shrugged nonchalantly. “I’ve been through this once, I can do it again.”

With that said, Tony attached the Iron Man suit to his body and disappeared from the scene. Although his statement exuded self-assurance, he seemed to crumble a little when he reached the top of the Chrysler Building, finding himself in front of Stark Tower. His android vision allowed him to take in the scene taking place on the top floor of his old Tower. There stood the group of Avengers, surrounding Loki, holding him back, he knew that moment as if he had lived it only yesterday, but what almost made his heart stop was to find your figure there. The thrusters of his suit brought him closer to the Tower, accessing the interior through one of the open windows and keeping himself hidden behind some sculptures.

The suit disappeared from his body, becoming Tony Stark again, it was almost unheard of for him, there you were, as if time had never passed. His steps were slow, but he seemed to be completely lost, watching your every move, as if he had no job to do, and his only mission was to watch you. He could not escape the hundreds of memories that came back to him, he even felt guilty about numerous things he had said, done, or not said and done.

“Alright, who gets the wand?” you said holding up Loki’s sceptre.

Your words at that moment came to 2023 Tony with a wide smile, to hear your voice so close to him again and not through any electronic device made a lump form in his throat.

“Are you all right, dude?” Scott cut the moment short.

Tony realised at that very moment that Scott had been on his right shoulder the entire time, a fact that brought all his senses back into focus on the scene he was reliving. The lift opened, ushering in the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, who were actually Hydra, but none of you knew it at the time.

“All right, you’re up, little buddy. There’s our stone,” Tony whispered to Scott.

“All right,” Scott took up position on his partner’s shoulder. “Flick me.”

There Scott’s mission began, and he made his way to the Tony of the past to join him. The scene on the top floor of Stark Tower continued as if nothing strange was going on.

“You got it?” you asked the past Tony, watching as he put the tesseract into the briefcase.

“Yep,” he replied, closing the case and looking at you with a half smile.

“By the way, how about that drink afterwards Miss Y/L/N?”

“Interesting that you can think of a drink Mr. Stark,” you said crossing your arms over your chest.

“Oh, when I buy someone a drink I’m not just thinking about drinking,” he winked at you to which you narrowed your eyes and headed towards the lift with the other companions. “Is that a yes?”

“Well I try,” muttered the Tony of the present to himself, who inevitably couldn’t hold back a smile as he saw with his own eyes that moment and your way of rejecting it, for it was the beginning of too many things. So, as you all disappeared down the lift he too made his way to his new assigned position.

“ Okay, Cap, I got our scepter in the elevator just passing the 80th floor,” he informed Steve over the intercom. “I’ll head down the hall.”

Steve had his mission, to get the sceptre by pretending to be a Hydra agent in front of those who really were and were now guarding the briefcase. Meanwhile, Tony took over one of the security uniforms of the Shield agents, to impersonate one of them and get the briefcase that had the tesseract inside that was now in the possession of the former Tony.

The avengers arrived at the lobby, Scott in thumb size’, that’s what Tony liked to call him, had to get inside the reactor of his victim to produce a small shock, and so everyone would focus their gaze on the old Tony, while the one from 2023 got hold of the briefcase, but things didn’t go as planned.

“I’m looking forward to going to Shawarma Palace,” Tony was standing next to you, “We could take it as our first date, what do you think?”

“Interesting,” you said, barely looking at him but with a slight smile on your face, “It’ll be great to say that genius billionaire Tony Stark asked me out for shawarma on our first date.”

“You forgot about philanthropist and Playboy,” he added, raising an eyebrow.“So that’s… Oh, Mr. Secretary!”

The conversation with Shield’s superior began, it was the ideal time where Scott had the opportunity to carry out his mission, for the tesseract was disappearing at that moment, and it would be tricky to access it again.

“All right, move it, Stuart Little. Things are getting dicey up here. Let’s go,” Tony informed Scott over the intercom.

It looked like everything was going down the drain, as Scott was in trouble for giving him a cardiac arrhythmia, however, everyone was stunned when at that moment Tony’s body stopped, and then began to convulse and fall to the ground. Your expression suddenly changed, as did the others.

“Tony?” you asked, dropping down beside Tony, worried about what was happening to him.

“Medics!” exclaimed the Tony Stark of 2023, taking in the scene. “You guys, some help!”

“Talk to me,” you said grabbing his face, which was completely flushed since he couldn’t breathe.

“Aw, she’s worried,” the present Tony muttered to himself.

“Is that the machine in your chest?” Thor, who was standing next to him, asked.

Meanwhile Scott, who had emerged from the reactor in the chest of the Tony of the past, pushed hard on the briefcase so that the Tony of the future could take it in his hands and go in search of a way out, but in that instant the Hulk suddenly appeared knocking Tony down, opening the briefcase, making the tesseract fly out and land at the feet of Loki who took it in his hands and disappeared.

“Come on Tony breathe,” you said looking at Thor hoping he would do something about it.

“I’ll try something, but I don’t know if it will work,” Thor brought his hammer to Tony’s chest, specifically the reactor and offered him a small shock, bringing the air back into his lungs. “Yes!”

“Whew, that worked a treat,” he said between gasps, looking at both of us. “Dude, that was crazy,” he thought. “The case.”

“Uhh, the case is…” Thor looked around.

“Where is the case?” you asked getting up trying to intercept him with your gaze.

“Where is Loki?” exclaimed Thor. “Loki!”

Meanwhile, ten meters away from the scene, the Tony from the future was completely knocked to the ground, after the Hulk knocked him down.

“Oh, we blew it,” Tony said without barely getting up, listening to all the conversation you had a few feet away.

The Tony of the future got up and opted to walk through the door leading to the stairs before anyone noticed him, for due to the Hulk’s untimely and shocking appearance, there were hardly any people left in the hall, apart from the Avengers and the Shield agents, of which he was undercover. However, as he was walking down a long corridor on the third floor, something stopped him.

“Excuse me agent,” your voice appeared as if it were an apparition behind him, causing him to stop his steps. “I must ask you to stay in the hall, we need to question everyone present in case we find evidence of what just happened.”

This was completely new, Tony hadn’t experienced it, he didn’t know what was going to happen or how he would best act on this occasion, but he knew that if he turned around you would most likely recognise him, as the black helmet and goggles barely covered his face, leaving the lower part of his face uncovered. At the same time, you kept a SIG Sauer P226 in your hand just at hip level, waiting at all times to watch the reactions of the man in front of you.

“Of course,” said Tony, changing his tone of voice slightly, making it deeper than usual, but still he just kept his position, his back to you.

“Could you turn around and come with me?” you asked with a frown, brushing your fingers over the gun and feeling a bad feeling inside you, for there was something that didn’t sit right with you.

Tony took a deep breath and lowered his face, there were a thousand ideas running through his mind right now, he didn’t know which one was worse than the last, so he connected several pieces and took one that would produce some personal gain, for worse than they were already, perhaps, things couldn’t get any worse.

“Are you sure?”

Slowly Tony’s body turned 180 degrees to face you. His features were obvious, his brown eyes accompanied by honey-coloured flecks, his beard so neatly trimmed, and those full lips, all 100% Tony Stark. But it was obvious to you that this was a trap, Loki had disappeared and you were aware of his every ability to deceive, after all he was the master of mischief. You didn’t stop for a moment to take the gun in your hands and point it firmly in his face, you had a clean shot.

“Loki…” you whispered frowning and squinting one eye to improve your aim.

“Not exactly,” Tony held up his hands retreating back a step, but showing no nervousness at all at the situation. “God, how I resent you mistaking me for him.”

It was at that precise moment, when he had you two metres away pointing a gun to his head, that he realised how long those five years had been, five years without being able to look at your face, without hearing your voice, without your caresses, without your kisses… for which he would die in those moments of your gunshot. He found himself with his hands raised, his body totally paralysed and his lips half-open, in love with you. You were not really the woman he had left behind, it was 2012 and many of your features were changed, but it was you.

“Where is the tesseract?” you asked, bringing him back to his senses. “What have you done with it?”

“That’s what I want to know,” he replied casually and slowly lowered his hands, knowing that bullet wasn’t going to be fired at him.

Tony’s mind worked fast, he was quick in his thoughts and in his actions, although sometimes that could get him into serious trouble because of the consequences of his actions, so he had no idea what he was doing at that moment, because his whole body was begging him to have a meeting with you and so he did. Now it was time to figure out where to go with the situation, but Tony was not a great planner, he flowed with time.

“By the way, did you get rid of that damn FBI agent yet? What was his name?” Tony knew how to test you to make you realise he wasn’t Loki. “Ah yes, Agent Chatter, god, how I hated him. I would have loved to see you spill champagne all over his scalp.”

“How do you… How do you know that?” your voice sounded gruff, but quizzical at the same time, even though you had no intention of conversing with him you were curious as to how the hell he had found out that information, as Tony was the only one who called Matthew ‘Agent Chatter’.

“You told me,” he said taking a step towards you, closing the distance, causing you to back away. “I told you, I’m not Loki.”

“I’ve never told anyone what happened with Matthew,” your breath hitched as you realised you didn’t understand what was going on.

“Well, you haven’t really told me yet,” he narrowed his eyes and cocked his head to one side.

You remained thoughtful for a couple of seconds. “I know exactly what you’re doing,” you tightened your grip on the gun, your hands beginning to sweat. “Your mind games aren’t going to work on me.

The moment was complex to explain, Tony had hundreds of possibilities to offer you in that moment and for you to discover that it wasn’t Loki in front of you, he knew how he could deal with the situation, but he wanted you to be the one to figure it out for yourself. He was playing with fire, he knew better than anyone how space-time worked, but he had an ace up his sleeve, an ace that Steve was carrying at that moment and he would use it later.

Tony slowly brought his hands to his face, causing you to fix your aim again with his moments, you feared what he might do next, for anything was to be expected with Loki, but Tony merely removed his helmet and goggles, dropping them to the ground exposing his full face to you.

A strange feeling came over your body, it was obviously a familiar face, you had spent numerous hours with Tony Stark in the previous weeks, but it wasn’t really your Tony standing before you. The features looked aged, more wrinkles were in the key parts of his face, grey hair was showing through his hair and also in his beard. Concentrating on analysing each of his features made you soften your grip on the gun.

"It’s me,” he murmured, making another attempt to move towards you, and succeeded, bringing the barrel of the gun down on his chest, clattering against his reactor. He gingerly reached out his arm, reaching up to your face and brushing aside a lock of your hair. “I can’t explain too much, but…”

“Tony?” a new voice joined your encounter, snapping you out of your abstraction. “What are you doing?”

Again you put distance between you and Tony, wary of what had just happened and rather guilty for letting yourself be bamboozled by Loki. You looked at the Captain who was coming from the far end of that long hallway and was just now standing metres away from you.

“It’s not Tony, Captain, it’s one of Loki’s tricks,” you explained without looking away from Tony who was looking at Steve a little guilty about the situation that had been created. “Captain, warn the others, inform them that we have Loki on the third floor of the west wing.”

“I. Am. Not. Loki,” Tony qualified each of his words somewhat irritated that you still believed it was Loki. “Can you tell her Cap?”

“Tony, what the hell are you doing?” Steve used a gruff tone, now the one who sounded irritated was him, as he was unaware of where Tony’s plans were headed.

“Shit,” Tony whispered turning his gaze towards him.“When they put that serum in your veins they offered you the gift of inopportunity, didn’t they?”

For you everything was much more confusing, your quick analysis of the situation and the two figures that stood before you had many gaps of information. You knew those guys, you had spent more hours of your life with them than with your family, you had studied them, you had analysed them and really that Steve and Tony that were before you were not the same guys, and there was only one Loki, both could not be Loki, at least within your logic, although with Loki anything goes. But what you realised was that the captain was holding the sceptre, why was the captain holding the sceptre right now?

“I’m sorry Tony, but we have to go,” he repeated firmly, which brought you back to reality.

“I don’t think either of you are going anywhere,” you quickly pulled a new pistol from the back of your suit, two guns for two people standing in front of you.

That elicited a sigh of disgust from Steve, who raised his hands, raising the sceptre in one hand and the shield in the other, halting his stride in his tracks.

“What was your bright idea Tony?” he asked seriously.

“I don’t know Cap, you know I like to improvise,” he shrugged his shoulders without taking his eyes off you, raising his hands and giving you a wide and warm smile, which didn’t affect you at all.

“Great, so improvise if you don’t want me to,” Steve sentenced him without moving from his position.

“She’s mine,” Tony slowly brought his hand to his chest, where he offered himself a couple of taps and the armour ran over every millimetre of him, covering his limbs.

Was Loki really capable of that? Confusion engulfed you, it had all your senses alert, your mind asking a hundred questions you couldn’t answer. But if it’s not any of them Loki who are they?

Tony looked at Steve’s sceptre, that was the only key way out he could think of, but since he had laid all his cards on the table, he wasn’t going to leave without doing one thing first, so he started to close the gap with you.

“If you take one more step…” you began to say, backing down the long corridor of Stark Tower.

“Honey, surely my 2012 self would punch me if he knew his 2023 self was going to do what I’m about to do,” he started to approach you which made you stand on guard, “since I’d take all the credit away from him, because he won’t do it for another two years or so, but…” between the words and his approach you blocked and pulled the trigger of the gun pointed at him, causing the bullet to hit and fall to the ground. “Hey! That hurt, well, not physically, but you just hurt my feelings.”

“Don’t come any closer…” you muttered, aiming both pistols at Iron Man’s armour.

Your gesture was profoundly in vain, as your footsteps stopped and Tony was close enough to grab the pistols tightly and wrestle them out of your hands, throwing them into the distance, unable for you to avoid. At that exact moment, Iron Man’s suit disappeared, allowing you to look at him again, much closer than the first time. You didn’t know if it was a mind game, but you could almost feel a strange connection between your gazes, the way he looked at you as if he wanted to tell you something, as if he was hiding a long way in them.

“God, I’d almost forgotten what your face…” Tony’s words were inconclusive, but he voiced a smile at the end of them.

What? you wanted to ask out loud, it was so strange, so incomprehensible to you that you were almost terrified at that moment. His eyes looked at you as if they had known you all your life, as if you had lived too many moments together to remember them all, and you just wanted to ask him about it, but you did not. Tony’s arm was around your waist before you could even react and he pulled you close to him, his lips firmly against yours. For Tony it was one of the best sensations of his life, every limb seemed to fill with energy, his skin bristled, he placed his other hand on your back preventing you from fleeing if you had any intention of doing so. He felt your body scent envelop him again after so many years away from you and it brought a lump to his throat. He didn’t want to separate from you, he couldn’t separate from you, he was terrified inside, he could hardly move his lips, for he feared you would run away if he did.

On your part it was something completely unexpected that you didn’t know how to carry out, it seemed that your common sense was lost somewhere, as if it had extrapolated from your body and didn’t act. Your eyes remained open for the first few seconds, observing the nothingness, but when you felt his second hand on your back to bring you closer to him, they closed very slowly, as if you expected to receive an answer from this act to your numerous doubts. You held still, with no intention of separating yourself from him. You wouldn’t deny that you hadn’t thought about what it would be like to kiss Tony Stark, but that wasn’t the Tony Stark you knew.

It was time that decided when to end it, Tony’s face was the one that put distance, but his minus was still glued to your back. He leaned his forehead against yours, exposing his ragged breath against your face.

“Who are you?” you whispered against his lips without opening your eyes yet.

Tony pulled back a few inches, opened his eyes and brought his hands to your face analysing every facial feature before him, running his thumb over your cheeks and lips.

“I promise I’ll fix it,” he whispered feeling himself. “It’ll be all right.”

“What… What will be alright?” your hesitation felt present in your words, it was incomprehensible what he was saying.

“I…” began Tony.

As if the breath stopped in your lungs, you took one last exhale before everything went dark and you hips surrendered in Tony’s arms. The tip of the sceptre had grazed your body causing you to enter a deep sleep from which when you awoke you would possibly think that everything you had experienced was a dream, or that it was really Loki who was playing with you.

“It would have been rather more gentlemanly of you to let me do it,” Tony looked at Steve spitefully as he held your body in his hands.

A fearful sigh escaped Tony’s lips as he carefully laid your body on the floor and ran his palm over his face, facing a voice that told him he couldn’t leave.

“Tony, we can’t leave any loose ends,” Steve whispered as he watched Tony continue to hold you in his arms. “I know how much you want to get back to her. So the sooner we get this over with, the sooner you’ll be reunited,” Steve rested his hand on Tony’s shoulder. “By the way, where do you have the tesseract?”

“Interesting question…”

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baepop · 4 years

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Muse

You meet a quiet painter that helps you manage your anger.

Word Count: 4.7k

Pairing: You x Taehyung

Genre: Slight fluff, slight angst, Smut

A/N: I couldn’t get this idea out of my head, so I had to sit down and write it out this afternoon. I hope you guys like it 🥺

What are you thinking?

The pinkish hue of your cheeks had long subsided now, though the heaving in your chest still remained albeit at a minimal level. The part in your lips prevailed as well, if only to huff the stray hairs falling over your face occasionally.

The rest of your hair was sprawled across the back of his couch like wild seaweed. Your favorite necklace rested in the crook of your collarbone as the dainty chain tickled your sensitive neck. Goosebumps broke out across your arms as they, too, were strewn across the couch. Your pose wasn’t ideal, but you knew it was exactly how he wanted you, so you wouldn’t get up to close the window letting in a cold draft.

His apartment was quaint, a studio on the upper west side that resided above a bodega and a taqueria. You’ve had many opportunities to take it all in, yet somehow there was always something new to discover whenever your eyes wandered.

You pondered if this was all a big metaphor with some grand artistic meaning about how it somehow represented his mental state. How he, such a quiet and minimal person could be happy in such a cluttered apartment on one of the busiest streets in the city was beyond you. You peered at the ostentatious wallpaper juxtaposed with the exposed brick behind him. Paintings lent up against the walls on the ground, stacked against each other, even in the kitchen. Only one word came to mind: loud.

Your eyes eventually came back to him, and when they did, the pink hue returned except this time it was in the form of a blush. He had been eyeing you carefully, waiting to make eye contact with you. When you did, he shot you that lopsided smirk you knew so well before he returned to his canvas. It was his way of telling you to stop moving your head so much.

You leaned your head against the back of the couch again and didn’t move until he finally put his brush down. He stood and backed away from his painting to gain some perspective, deciding if he was truly finished or not.

You’d once heard that paintings are truly never finished, it was just a matter of when the artist was willing to stop. Since then, you’d always wondered when Taehyung would deem it acceptable to put the brush down, when he’d feel that he had done everything he could to capture your essence. You knew there had to be something to it, since every time you’d gaze at the finished product it’d take your breath away.

He was always able to capture your inner feelings with eerie accuracy, which was something that endlessly amazed you.

So many afternoons spent in his apartment, you venting about the latest thing that got your blood to boil while he focused on his artwork. And each time, as you’d emptied your brain of all its toxic contents, he’d make magic happen on the paper.

You watched Taehyung shake his head then return to his seat and pick up the brush again. Some days it was harder for him to decide when to stop.

As you laid naked on the upholstery basking in the afternoon sun that was now filtering in through the window, you began to reminisce about the first time you had posed for him. Your face had been the color of a tomato from complaining about a rude bus driver and your hair was a matted mess after waking up late for work that morning. You didn’t understand how you could possibly be anyone’s muse, especially that day.

You had been in no mood to sit around for hours in a strange apartment, but you had given Taehyung your word after he kindly texted you asking for you to be his model earlier that week. You both happened to take a recreational art class downtown together a year ago when he had tapped you on the shoulder two hours into the lesson and extended his phone to you for your number. You had tagged along with a friend that day to see what their art class was like, and you were glad you did when you saw how cute the shy guy across the room was up close. You were flattered, to say the least, especially when he had later texted asking you to be his personal model. After all, the class had been about learning to paint the human anatomy, so the proposition hadn’t come from left field.

But when the day finally came, you just weren’t in the mood. You showed up and took your clothes off in a huff, taking a seat in front of him and attempting the breathing exercises your anger management counselor had taught you.

As the hours went by, you realized you probably weren’t making such a good model, and your annoyance turned into shame as he moved away from his painting. When you were just about done getting redressed, he turned the easel towards you and took your breath away just like that.

He was an amazing artist, but more than that he was exceptionally observant. What you expected to be a painting of you being petulant and looking anywhere but at him, was instead of a girl that looked very unsure of herself. He’d even used a cool toned palette exclusively to convey those feelings perfectly. You could only look at him in awe, feeling more vulnerable than you had been with your clothes off a minute ago.

After that, he texted you to come over on a weekly basis, and each time you came and did much of the same. You’d take your clothes off and pose anywhere in front of where his easel stood ready and waiting. And each time, he’d reveal a part of you on the paper that you never cared to show anyone.

You were ashamed to admit that you were always angry stepping into his apartment, but each time he turned the easel towards you, a different girl stared back at you. Sometimes she was scared, sometimes she was hopeful.

A few sessions later, you felt as though you could trust Taehyung, partly because he seemed to be in tune with parts of you that you hadn’t even known existed deep under the many levels of anger and hatred that bubbled noisily at your surface. He made you want to express yourself, which was something that was tough for you to do, even with your therapist. But it wasn’t like there was anything else to fill the silence with during those quiet hours anyway. So every week you’d come over expose yourself to him in more ways than one.

You couldn’t exactly call it talking, though.

You’d tell him about what happened that day to make you mad, and sometimes what made you feel particularly murderous. Few times, you’d express something that made you happy, because those really came few and far between. And whenever you did, you felt oddly childlike, as if expressing happiness was somehow attributed to being young while expressing grievances was adult-like. Or maybe it was the way Taehyung’s eyes brightened whenever you talked about something positive. It made you want to look for more things to be happy about, and that in itself, was childlike, you supposed.

But it was all one sided. After a long time of posing for him, you began to wonder if that was the deal: you’d express yourself for him while he’d express himself on paper. You figured it wasn’t a terrible trade, but as time went by you found it increasingly frustrating not to have any reciprocation on the same level. His artwork was always a reflection of you, and it left a huge mystery about who Taehyung really was inside.

Of course, you were never one to accept things as they were if you weren’t content with them, so you slowly learned how to better communicate with someone who was mute.

At first it annoyed you that he’d never answer your questions, no matter how simple or complex they were. Occasionally, if you asked him something that warranted an obvious “yes”, he’d look up from the canvas and smile with his eyes before returning to the task at hand. Those small notions were enough to hold you over until the next question arose. And it wasn’t as if you weren’t being heard, or seen, for that matter. His paintings of you proved quite the opposite.

Your painting sessions became like therapy, in a way. You always felt alleviated after posing for him, and over time, you came to depend on them. What started off as you warily stepping into his place with your bag clutched around your shoulder checking for hidden cameras and other red flags turned into you bursting in with two coffees in your hand already starting a story about your bitch of a boss. Taehyung found your workplace gossip hilarious, though you’d never know why. And overtime, his chuckle was also something you felt was like a small yet precious gift to you, another facet of the elusive painter who was still inspired by your body countless artworks later.

Taehyung and his cluttered studio.

They started off as something you didn’t want but definitely needed. You found it quite a drag to commute to his side of town regularly especially when you were in a foul mood most days. You often kicked yourself for agreeing to go.

Yet these days, it was quite the opposite. You had managed to make some serious headway with your anger management over the past few months, partly thanks to Taehyung for giving you a space to safely and comfortably talk through your turbulent thoughts and emotions. But now, you looked forward to paying him visits, not because you needed to vent, but because you wanted to see him. You wanted to find more peculiar things in his apartment, to notice something else about his personality that you hadn’t before, to be in his calming presence. Because just as he had plenty of time to stare at every inch of your body’s anatomy, you did so too. And boy, did you take advantage.

You had already been compiling a mental list of things about Taehyung you had noticed over time, intimate details that somehow set the cosmic scoreboard even for how intimately he was getting to know your naked body.

For example, he had a crinkle between his eyebrows when he focused on painting a particular part of you that was giving him trouble to grasp. When he was really focused, he’d jut his tongue out a bit and swipe his bottom lip. He often liked to run his fingers through his hair when leaning away from his portrait to gain some perspective. He always pursed his lips before smiling, as if showing amusement was somehow forbidden. And when he gave way to a smirk, it almost always bloomed into the widest boxiest smile you’d ever seen. His hair had more highlights in it than you cared to count, and he had a weird aversion to coasters. Dried rings on countertops all over his apartment served as unquestionable proof of.

You felt like you were finally starting to grasp what kind of person he was, though it still felt as if you were outside looking in. You wanted to know him like he knew you, but you weren’t sure it was possible to be let into someone’s heart that you’d never had a proper conversation with. It proved to be a very difficult thing. But when your efforts came to fruition, the recompence you felt was beyond words.

It was during a particularly shitty day, not because anything made you mad, but because the weather was god awful. Nonstop rain mixed in with cold weather and persistent winds made for a troublesome commute. And because of it, it took way longer to get to Taehyung’s place than normal. When he opened the door for you an hour after your agreed meetup time, his eyebrows shot up in surprise but nonetheless let you in. His hair was damp and his TV was on, two things you’d never seen before.

You had dropped your bag, coat and wet shoes at the door, hugging yourself and rubbing your arms as you walked further in. His heater was on, so you immediately went to go sit by it. You hadn’t realized your teeth were chattering until he brought you a steaming cup of coffee with a sympathetic look to boot. You took it from his hands gratefully and fixed your trembling fingers over the smooth ceramic, blowing the steam away before taking a tentative sip. Mmm, dark roast.

Taehyung looked over at his art supplies, his fingers twitching when his eyes landed on his recently cleaned brush, poised and ready on the lip of the easel. But when he looked back at you, he decided it was probably best not to have you take your clothes off right away. So he brought a blanket over to you and draped it over your shoulders before returning to his seat on the couch. He was watching a horror movie, which made you all the more curious about this strange boy that never talks. What kind of person watches horror movies alone?

The coffee, blanket and heater warmed you up rather quickly, and soon you had removed your socks and your sweater before settling in to watch the climax of the spooky film. You wanted to wait for him to suggest he still wanted to paint you, feeling perfectly content to just hang out like this. For the next half hour, you both took turns glancing at each other but missing eye contact as if this was a game of tag. You started smiling to yourself, wondering why today felt so different when you had already been meeting for months now.

You bit the inside of your cheek in contemplation before decidedly moving to sit next to him on the couch. He moved over to give you plenty of room before returning your smile politely, though there was an amused glint in his eyes that you hadn’t missed before he turned to give the television his undivided attention. You wondered if this sudden electricity between you both was all in your head. It’s not like you could ask him directly, or if you wanted to for that matter. It’d be embarrassing if he hadn’t developed a crush on you over these past few months as you had with him.

Yet as you sat on the same couch you had lounged in for months, you couldn’t help but wonder what if?

You swallowed thickly and your pulse quickened as you realized how close his hand was to you. It laid in between you both, flat against the cushion. You never noticed how pretty his hands were before now, taking in the light vans that ran up his arms stemming from his slender fingers, Your own fingers twitched before you slowly inched your hand forward nand placed it over his. Your eyes flitted towards him, regarding him warily. He had been watching the movie with his head leaning on his palm, and when your skin made contact, his eyes moved sideways, first taking in the intimate gesture then looking at you briefly before turning back to the television in what looked to be a bored expression.

Your bravery crumbled and you began moving your hand away, but he caught it in his before you could get away and then laced your fingers together. Your eyebrows shot up and you tried to hold back the huge smile on your face as you finished watching the movie with your hands joined in between you both. Taehyung couldn’t help but look over at you a few more times and grinning at the blush on your face, finding it cute how shy you were when it came to making a move.

When the movie had ended, you both sat quietly, playing with each other’s fingers, you giggling girlishly and him enjoying the sight of you being so flustered. Eventually the flashing of his phone screen from across the room caught his attention and he dropped your hand, much to your disappointment. You figured that was as much as you were going to get out of him today, so you began stripping as he busied himself typing away. When he returned to you, he was surprised to see you naked and posed, ready to be his muse again. You furrowed your brow and gestured toward the easel to which he shook his head slowly. Ah, I guess he doesn’t want to paint any more today.

“Sorry, I figured we were still doing that. Should I just go and come back next week?” Taehyung thought for a moment then shook his head again, coming to sit by you once more. “Then… what? You want to sit here and hold hands all day?” Taehyung quirked his brow at you, his lips pursing as he held back a smile. “You’re so frustrating sometimes you know.” This time he smiled and scratched the top of his head while looking at the floor, not offering any semblance of what his plans were.

It’d been a while before something miniscule got you worked up and angry like it used to, so you were surprised when the way his eyes seemed to roll away from you caused a switch inside of you to click. You were growing angrier by the second and you couldn’t seem to stop it.

You huffed as you yanked your top from the floor and pulled it on over your head. You reached for your underwear and kicked your legs through the holes as Taehyung sat and watched you with patient eyes.

“I mean, you could text me or something and let me know not to come over next time. I don’t live close by you know.” You huffed as you stood up to get your sweater that still laid serenely by the radiator. You weren’t looking forward to braving the wet and cold just after you had dried and warmed up.

But before you could march over to it, Taehyung firmly took hold of your wrist, causing you to spin on your heel.

“I’m sorry, don’t go.”

You ogled at him, looking at his lips for a while to see if they’d move again. You couldn’t believe he just talked aloud. When they didn’t, you looked up at his eyes in confusion. His expression was urgent, his pupils deep pools of sincerity that you could swim in forever. He was genuinely apologizing, though you felt there was no need. You already knew you were throwing a fit needlessly.

“…I…”

Taehyung slowly smiled, realizing it was your turn to be speechless. He tugged at your wrist, guiding you to sit on his lap. Your heart raced at the newfound proximity. You were now close enough to smell his bodywash which was enough to make your head swim if it wasn’t for the fact that Taehyung just spoke in the most rich and velvety voice you’d ever heard.

“I thought…you were mute.”

“Selective.” Taehyung held your gaze for a minute as his fingers brushed against the soft skin under your wrist, feeling your pulse thump furiously. You looked into his eyes with uneven breath as the realization hit. He was finally letting you in.

Suddenly you were leaning in, craving to experience the full extent of his emotions. And so he met you halfway, molding his soft lips around yours in a deep kiss that made your heart stop altogether.

His large hands took hold of your sides and held you tightly against him as he leaned in to savor your taste. His tongue swiped curiously against your lip so you parted your mouth, allowing him full access to it. You leaned back the more he leaned in, and eventually you were both laying down on the couch with him positioned on top of you, making out intensely. When he broke away panting, his lips were swollen and his eyes full of lusty haze. You didn’t get a chance to take his demeanor in fully, because his lips were back on you again except kissing at the skin of your neck instead, leaving marks along their journey to your collar bone. Each bruise was a paragraph of text written on your paper skin, each lick a compliment he longed to give you since the first time you took your clothes off for him.

It seemed as though for all that he lacked verbally, he more than compensated with touch and emotion.

His hands sneaked underneath your shirt and pulled it off of you before he gazed at your chest. You blushed, because although he’d seen your breasts countless times before, he’d never looked at them the way he was now. You felt like a clay statue he was breathing life into as his lips latched onto your buds, causing your back to lift off of the cushions. He was as good with his mouth as he was with his brush strokes.

You made quick work of his shirt, feeling all too eager to feel his burning skin on yours. His touch was setting you ablaze, and you found the dull ache in between your legs increasingly harder to ignore. You carded your fingers through his hair as he took his pants off impatiently. You’d have taken the opportunity to take your own underwear off, but something told you you’d enjoy it a lot more if he did it for you.

Taehyung leaned back on his heels, his eyes shooting downwards as you opened your legs tentatively. He furrowed his brow in concentration as he hooked his fingers around the waistband of your panties and slowly peeled them off of you as if he was opening a present. He licked his lips as he spread your legs wide before him, taking in your glistening sex from his vantage point. Suddenly he bit his lip and stood up, disappearing behind the couch momentarily. He returned with a condom and tore into the packet as you both looked at each other eagerly.

Finally, he sat in between your legs again, brushing his thumb against your reddened clit as he licked his lips. You didn’t want to wait for him anymore, so you sat up and took hold of his lips with yours again, guiding him down onto you and wrapping your legs around his waist. When he plunged inside of you, your eyes rolled to the back of your head.

He rocked his hips slowly at first and continued peppering your body with kisses and bites. Your nails dug into his back while he balanced himself on his elbows, his hands pushing away the hair from your face. When he kissed your lips again, your tongues swirled wildly, causing him to lose control and pick up the pace. You hissed and moaned, your hips coming up to meet him stroke for stroke.

And as his movements got increasingly rougher and more urgent, you lost yourself in them over and over again because now it was his turn to express himself.

Your sweaty bodies writhed against each other all afternoon, each moan of yours an appreciation of his affection towards you and each grown of his conveying a wordless confession.

Making love to Taehyung was like him having a conversation with your body. He knew all the right places to touch and when. He’d get so wrapped up and passionate during your afternoons spent together that he’d hardly seem like the same quiet man sitting across from you staring at a canvas for hours. He was rough yet gentle, persistent yet patient, truly in keeping with the enigma that he had always been to you.

And now, as you sat on the very same couch you both had made love on the first time and many times afterward, you found yourself eyeing him mischievously. It had been 20 minutes after he decided his painting wasn’t quite finished yet, and you were getting antsy.

He’d caught your look, and though a reaction didn’t register on his face, the growing bulge sitting pretty in between his legs was enough for you.

Your nipples were quickly hardening in the frigid air entering through the open window, though the reason for that wasn’t entirely attributed to the col temperature. Normally you were patient enough to wait until he was done, but today was stressful and you wanted so badly for him to help you relieve some of that stress.

So you didn’t bother holding back your joy when he finally stood up from his spot in the corner and sauntered over to you, giving you a disapproving look. You looked back at him apologetically, though you weren’t sure it translated well as you bit your lip lustfully at his approaching figure. He sighed, flicking one of your hardened nipples roughly. You let out a shaky breath to which he snickered as he pulled his shirt off over his head. This time it was his turn to bite his lips as you purposely spread your legs, giving him a full view of what he was capable of doing to you without so much as touching you.

He growled as he crawled onto the couch, groping your curves and dips as he contemplated how to punish you for being a fidgety model. You awaited eagerly with a shallow breath then squealed as he abruptly scooped you into his arms and off the couch. He brought you over to the windowsill and sat you down before kneeling in front of you and spreading your legs again. Your breath hitched in your throat at the first stroke of his tongue on your clit. Your hands gripped the edge of the windowsill as you scooted closer to the edge to give him better access to you. You made a mental note to interrupt his painting sessions more often.

“A-ah….Taehyung…” You moaned softly as he sucked lightly on your clit. His eyes watched you carefully as his tongue navigated your slick folds expertly. When you threw your head back as his tongue got closer to your entrance, he pushed the wet muscle inside and fucked you with his face, causing you to buck your hips onto him. Your head snapped back down, and your fingers latched onto his hair, guiding him in and out of you as you fucked his face. You were so close to cumming, but you needed a bit more. That’s when Taehyung replaced his tongue with two fingers, plunging them inside you and curling them upwards as he milked the orgasm from you. You hunched over, holding onto his head tightly as you came all over his mouth and fingers.

“Fuck…that was…” You panted and let go of him, allowing him to stand back up as he wiped the side of his mouth with his thumb. He smiled at you brightly, all semblance of disapproval gone from his angelic features. You brough him towards you and kissed him passionately, only then feeling the cold wind licking at your backside. You shivered, so he took your hand and led you off the windowsill.

He embraced you as you wrapped your arms around his midsection, holding you in silence for a few moments. Eventually, he tipped your chin up to stare into your eyes and gauge the rest of your sentence from what your eyes could give away. You looked back at him and smiled, feeling brave enough to ask him something that didn’t have a simple yes or no answer for once.

“What are you thinking?”

Taehyung looked down for a moment then took your hand in his. He brought you over to his easel and placed you in front of today’s painting, looking at your reaction carefully. You had expected to see yourself staring at the center of the page looking horny as ever.

But as you gazed at the painting, you saw a girl who was very much in love.

Your chest tightened and your eyes glistened. Turning towards Taehyung, you looked up at his wary eyes. He held his breath as his thumb stroked your knuckles, conveying more than you had ever expected him to be able to. And for once, you were glad there were no words.

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novelelitist · 3 years

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Somewhat-successor to 2018 and yesterday. Probably needs a part IV. TW for mental health, mentions of suicide. I go months without posting jack shit, you can deal with a little bit of Sanson Self-Indulgence.

Charles-Henri Sanson on Death III

Charles-Henri Sanson did not have this opportunity in life, nor in the times he was summoned to America as a Heroic Spirit. He thinks Salem is charming without the cosmic horror. The regular horror is more than satisfactory.

The ocean is beautiful at night, though the light pollution from nearby Boston leaves much to be desired. Still, to look out on an endless black sea like this is humbling.

Master takes a step too far, Sanson takes Master's hand. He yanks them back so they won't take a long walk off a short dock into the Atlantic.

"This isn't an appropriate place to dive in," he says. "There's a sign right over there."

Master bitches a bit before reassuring him. "I wasn't going to do anything. Maybe jump. Nothing bad."

"I don't see how that makes a difference."

Master slumps into him. "Jumping means I'm less likely to crack my head open, unfortunately."

He props up Master in his arms like they're an inflatable tube person. "If you're going to break the rules and crack your head open, you could at least wait until I'm not around to see it."

"Ah, yes. The age-old adage: 'if you don't have evidence I disobeyed the sign, you can't give me shit for disobeying the sign.'"

Sanson uses Master's hand to bop their forehead. "Truthfully, that's the least of my concerns."

"Hey, if I get lucky a boat will run me over and I won't have to put any effort into drowning. You know how hard it is to drown?" Master asks.

Sanson notes their playful tone and tries to keep it light. He fails. "Exceedingly easy, considering that 'drinking water going down the wrong pipe' is as much drowning as any open water drowning is."

Master gives Sanson's shoulders a lazy squeeze and an even lazier shake without leaving their sloth-flop posture. "I knoooow, so whyyyyy can't I doooo it?"

"Because you're terrible at reverse-engineering death, I suppose?" he suggests.

"Seriously. You'd think a passably-intelligent person would either a) succeed at their attempts to die or b) fail at existing hard enough to succeed at not existing."

Sanson rolls his eyes. They land on the reflection of lamplight in Master's hair. He gets distracted by the shimmering silver highlights.

He thinks on how he and Master both have blue eyes, and how theirs are closer to steel than ice. There is no twinkle in theirs, nor in their smile. He remembers how he once thought they'd never get along, and how eager he was to fulfill his duties and disappear. Now he can't bring himself to leave them.

He rubs the back of their head just the way they like. "Perhaps you were too powerful, so you were cursed to fail at the thing you most craved to achieve."

"You mean like a nerf?"

"I mean a nerf."

"Shit balance team, if that's what they thought would keep me out of the meta. Like my entire existence isn't the problem. Remove me from the game.”

“The answer is still ‘no.’”

Master digs their fingers into Sanson’s back, clutching at the fabric of his well-ironed shirt. He leans back to look at them, but they refuse to show their face.

“That isn’t going to change my answer,” he says.

“...Please?” they ask meekly into his shoulder.

Sanson doesn’t answer.

“I don’t want to live like this anymore,” they say. “I don’t want to live at all knowing that this is what it feels like.”

Sanson reaches to hold them, but they shrug him off and shove him away. He stares at his hand. It stings.

“Every time I have, like, the tiniest bit of hope it gets crushed. Any faith I have in others is jaded in nature. I don’t trust anybody. I don’t even think I like anybody. I don’t want my whole life to be like this, but I’m going to have to be in professional care forever and I’ll always need medications and therapy and mental health shit and I can’t get away from my family or myself and I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. Other people kill my will to live, and even if I try to explain how they’re negatively affecting me it’s not like it gets anywhere because they don’t understand or they don’t give a shit. Friends don’t get it, and family doesn’t care, and I can’t. I fucking can’t. I don’t want to live like this.”

Sanson opens his mouth to respond, but thinks better of it.

“I don’t think I’ve done anything that terrible, but the amount of guilt and negativity I live with outweighs any moments I have in which I don’t feel like shit. No amount of positive interactions will make the negativity go away. I don’t have the resources to get out of the living situation I’m in, and I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want things to be like this.”

Master hates listening to the opinions of the inexperienced and uneducated. He doesn’t feel what they do. It’s best not to pretend he does.

They fidget with the hems of their sleeves until their hands are hidden away. They pull and yank and scratch and tug. Their fingers twitch as they pick at their nails and claw at their knuckles. Before Sanson can stop them, they step further away from him. There are tears in their eyes. They sniff.

“I want so many fucking things and I can’t have any of them and I don’t want to live like this. I’m so viscerally envious of others, even those I shouldn’t be, of the tiniest fucking things they get that I don’t because I don’t get anything because I don’t have anything. I don’t want anything. I don’t. I just don’t.”

Those feelings, Sanson thinks, are things he understands. From his own perspective and the perspectives of those whose lives he’s ended, Master’s frustrations make perfect sense.

Sanson and Master read the Prisma Illya manga together (to the shame of both parties). Sanson remembers how much Master liked seeing Illya say something to the effect of, ‘I want to die’ means ‘I want to live’ in a ‘manga for lolicons.’ That line struck a cord with him, too, not that he’d ever admit it.

It’s a pitiful feeling--one of desperation and self-loathing, of fear and uncertainty. To those who crave death, that afterlife or lack thereof is a guarantee that they do not have in life. To believe that there is nothing waiting is to believe in a peaceful rest. To believe that there is a peaceful rest is to believe that better things can be had than what there already is.

This line of thinking conflicts with both his own philosophies and Master’s. So he believes Magical Girl Prisma Illya when she says that those words mean I want to live.

For everything Master hates and doesn’t want, the converse is equally true: they want the acknowledgement, presence, and presents that others receive that they do not. They want to feel safe and validated, like the people around them live in the same reality they do. They’ve never had those things, and Sanson is well aware that Master doesn’t know what those things would look like for themselves.

Doodles? Stories? Gifts? Hugs? Memes? Quiet? Reassurance? Validation? Criticism? Help?

They would probably say they want the sweet embrace of death. As one does.

So he opens up the adjacent line of questioning. “What do you want to want?”

Master sniffles, snuffing like a dumb puppy with a cold. They pull up their hood to shield themselves from the intense gaze of the moon and streetlights.

They shrug, toss their hands up, then smack themselves in the face. “Damned if I know.”

Sanson finds this charming, in Master’s not-at-all-charming way.

He pulls Master into a hug and pats their pathetic back. Rest assured, they’ll come back to this conversation later when less snot is present.

#sanson #charles-henri sanson #sanson fgo #fgo headcanon #fgo imagine #fate series headcanon #tw #novel elitist #deal with my minimal self-indulgence

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ozkar-krapo · 3 years

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SUN RA & His MYTH SCIENCE ARKESTRA

"Cosmic Tones for mental Therapy"

(LP. [bootleg]. ? / rec. 1963) [US]

#sun ra #1963 #usa #jazz #open jazz #new thing #arkestra #records #john gilmore #marshall allen #pat patrick #danny davis #Bandcamp

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themountainsays · 2 years

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Not anon calling brulores the “family creeps” 😭

nooo but it true tho 😂 they are creeps they are weirdos what the hell are they doing here have you ever seen them without that stupid h

joke aside oijjnfkjfdsjfsd while I do love the idea of Bruno and Dolores being creepy together we have to face the fact that Bruno is just slightly mentally disturbed while Dolores is like, purposely a freak (affectionate). Bruno needs therapy. Dolores just needs permission to be the weirdest unclefucker alive on main. Dolores makes multiple Skyrim playthroughs just to kill Nazeem in various different ways, each bloodier than the last. Dolores listens to people's private moments without their consent. Dolores can and WILL chase you down and quietly threaten to spread lies about you being a serial killer if you make Antonio cry. She says the scariest things with a completely calm face, nonchalant tone, as if she hasn't just told you that she hears dead people decompose or that ghosts talk to her. And honestly, she's happy like that most days. She has her bad moments but she's mostly just worried about people realizing she's weird and creepy as fuck and rejecting her. I mean, they rejected Bruno for much less, so she has to behave and pretend she's not hearing the cosmic microwave background.

The difference is that Bruno may seem scary on the surface, but you realize VERY quickly that he's a little guy, just a little guy, you wouldn't fight a little guy would you?

Dolores APPEARS "normal" at first glance. But if you look at her for more than five seconds you start to realize she's creepy af and it takes much longer to understand she's actually a very sweet and kind girl who deserves all the love and smooches, she's just, ah, quirky. Her family knows her well, of course, which is why she's comfortable telling Mira shit about "rats talking in the walls", because she knows no one gives a fuck lol but everyone else? Shit dude of course the man she was in love with walked right past her into the arms of her cousin :( she's weird she's a weirdo have you ever seen h

anyway it's GOOD that Bruno and Dolores are creeps. They can be creeps together :) just a pair of freaks :) a pair of creepy weirdos :) Dolores will be talking about how she can hear the heat-death of the universe approaching or all the bodily functions of every person in the village and Bruno is there giving her heart eyes.

#THIS IS ALL JUST HEADCANONS GUYS PLEASE #madrigalcest #brulores #shipcest #fr tho i love dolores' coreography in the film sm #like there's something WEIRD about how she moves #she mostly seems cute and quirky but also lowkey disturbed #like during the breakfast scene when she tells mira about #about the rats in the walls #like srly with every other character i get the feeling i KNOW what they're thinking about #like ik whats going on in their heads i can analyze them sorta #but dolores is just ??? is she angry?? scared?? why does she do the things she does?? it a mystery #creepy dolores my beloved

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thestudyofbasements · 4 years

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Receiver 2 is one of my favorite games I've ever played but not because of its gameplay. Although that was absolutely why I got it, and the gimmick of firearms that can Fail works brilliantly.

No, Receiver 2 is so interesting to me because of its Lore. Its not even that deep to be honest. More like the plot of a comic book to narratively justify why you're walking around a stitched-together skyscraper dodging gunfire and tasers from KillDrones

It goes like this:

- This thing called 'The Threat' is tryna kill humanity, by manipulating media and flooding people with ideas that degrade the mind.

- Once humanity has been mentally weakened The Threat will preform the 'MindKill' which does some weird shit and traps humanity in either a different reality or a dream. There's some contention over the difference.

- The Threat succeeds and you are trying to 'Awaken' Post-MindKill

- To Awaken, you must listen to cassette tapes of your training, which you forgot, in order to strengthen your mind by blocking out The Threat's influence

That's it. That's the plot.

What makes Receiver 2 interesting is that, even with all its accurately behaving firearms, using them isn't how you beat the game. The only thing that matters for progression is listening to tapes.

The turrets you disable and the drones you blast out of the sky don't benefit you any aside from dealing with a danger. KillDrones aren't your enemy, and thus your gun isn't your weapon.

Compassion is.

See, Receiver 2, isn't actually about some mysterious force out to cosmically seal all mankind, it's about mental health.

The Threat can't act in the physical world, and as such its only method of attack is to infiltrate one's mind and lay siege. Basically it’s an extended metaphor for mental illness.

The tapes you gather aren't military instructions or secret insight, they're more like guided meditation, and dialogues on the importance of community, on being aware of one's thoughts, ways to deal with trauma. (Also a lot of history about the creation of the gun you’re using)

Receiver 2 has the tone of a conspiracy theory, and I think both this and the realistic gunplay were intentional on the devs part. This is the sort of thing that would outwardly appeal to the sort of isolated, lonely men in the American Midwest, a group that's seeing high suicide rates. It’s like smuggling a bit of therapy in with it.

#Receiver 2 #tw suicide mention #tw suicide #i hope i got those right :/#anyway i played too much of this game and heard the tapes too many times #(because i keep dying)#and it forced me to vibe with the lore and notice its subtext #a rare original from ya boi

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tony-starkrogers · 5 years

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rec week day five

For the Cap-IM rec week 2019 day five: Fix-It Friday! @cap-ironman

There are so many good fix-its out there - this list is divided into categories to make it easier if you’re looking for a specific type of fix-it. Be sure to go show these writers some comments and kudos love!

CACW FIX-ITS

Last Train Home by erde (T, 10.9k)

Steve writes letters to Tony that he never sends. By the time he hands them to their rightful owner, Tony has had a brush with death, has retired as a superhero, and now has a small town workshop of his very own. But it's okay, Steve has gone into retirement too.

Over Sea, Under Stars by vorkosigan (T, 36.6k)

Tony gets the phone, but he never uses it and he never intends to. Or, he doesn’t until Steve starts texting him, asking strange questions about medication and mental health, which is when Tony gets worried.

(A texting fix-it that grew beyond all proportion. Deals with depression and anxiety quite a lot. There is even some plot in there somewhere.)

If I were a Bell by Annie D (scaramouche) @no-gorms (E, 4.2k)

Officially, Tony hasn't seen Steve since the Sokovia Accords were ratified. Unofficially, Steve is a sneaky bastard who keeps taking risks to see Tony whenever he wants.

Dear Tony, by sirona (T, 5.9k)

Once the dust after what no one is referring to as "The Break-up" has settled, Steve starts writing and doesn't seem to know how to stop.

Even My Phone Misses Your Call by rainbowninja167 (E, 10.8k)

Steve makes it all the way to Ohio before conceding that the post-Chitauri road trip might’ve been a mistake.

Or, ten times Steve has to call Tony to come pick him up.

An Infinite Number Of Monkeys At Typewriters (Or, Steve and Tony Finally Get It Right) by JenTheSweetie (M, 18.6k)

Tony blinked up at the face staring down at him. This was impossible. This was definitely 100% not possible, he had not just started giving a good morning handy to -

“Steve?”

After the events of Civil War, Tony and Steve wake up in bed next to each other in an alternate universe. It goes about as well as you'd expect it to.

Like a Postcard Phrase by isaksara (T, 8.6k)

How to say ‘wish you were here’ without actually saying so, as done by Captain Steve Rogers.

IW FIX-ITS

The Future is Yet in Your Power by @festiveferret (T, 14.9K

"Now." Wong leaned back in his chair. "What would you do to save this world from Thanos' attack? What would you sacrifice?"

"Anything," Steve said. "Anything at all."

Wong considered him for a moment, expression unreadable. "There's one thing, maybe."

Recognize Fate (A Dramedy of Manners) by vorkosigan (E, 25.4k)

During the horror that was the Infinity War, Tony has somehow managed to fall in love with Steve. No, really, his timing's always been stellar, in all things. He would like to pursue his feelings, he would; only, this doesn't mesh so well with his other resolution: Steve must never ever know.

It's been a year since the victory, and the time has come to celebrate. Everyone is about to meet again at a big gala.

live wire by spqr (M, 7.8k)

The marks are a welcome distraction. The media fixates on them, the mystery of them, because it's a lot less daunting to think about big thumbprints on your back or your side or your thigh than to think about how the planet's population just dropped from 7 to 3.5 billion overnight.

(as a side effect of Thanos’ culling, everyone who’s left gets a soulmark)

Lost With You (Might Be All I Need) by ann2who (E, 22k)

Tony and Steve fall through a portal just after defeating Thanos and his army. Stranded in another dimension, the two have to finally face what happened—and what could have been.

The Future Is Ours (Whether We Want It Or Not) by ann2who (M, 30k)

After a hit from the Time Stone, Steve switches places with his future self.

when i run out of road, you bring me home by quidhitch (M, 18.4k)

“Oh, I won’t bother you.” The tone of Steve’s voice implies that he definitely will be bothering Tony, aggressively and frequently. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll keep to my farm, you keep to yours. Solitude together.”Tony opens his mouth to argue that that’s not how this works, but he snaps it shut at the realization that Steven Grant Rogers is fucking with him. That twinkle in his eye has accelerated into a full-on glimmer, and the ends of his lips are twitching. Jesus, he hates this man. Or maybe he wishes he did. Tony can’t really tell the difference anymore.

A New Way For Us by ann2who (M, 24.4k)

They fight Thanos—and they’re losing. And before Tony knows what’s happening, he’s standing with Doctor Strange in front of the Eye of Agamotto and gets send back in time. Can he find a way to fix things this time around, or are they doomed to fall apart all over again?

ENDGAME FIX-ITS

Five Seconds by @elcorhamletlive (unrated, 3k)

From the moment Steve suits up, he knows what he’ll do.

brave new world by @nasafic (T, 2.7k)

Steve visits Peggy first. But he doesn't stay.

And Time Can Do So Much by JenTheSweetie (M, 11.1k)

"I really shouldn’t be talking to a figment of my imagination,” Steve said. “Sam would be reading me the riot act. I can hear him now. Therapy works wonders, you know.”“Sounds like Wilson,” Tony agreed. “And therapy does work wonders. You might want to look into it, once it becomes a thing in a couple of years.”“I’ll keep that in mind,” Steve said.A few years after Steve moved permanently back in time, he started having conversations with Tony again.

Something Beautiful by Annie D (scaramouche) (T, 5.2k)

In one universe sideways, it’s 2012 and the Avengers have just defeated Loki and the Chitauri. Steve Rogers, who has been out of the ice for almost ten years, wonders if his retaking the shield for this event was a one-off, or if he’s ready to keep it again. It depends on Tony.

Same old story. by spqr (T, 7.4k)

“We’re toasting our regrets,” Tony explains. “Your turn."“Oh,” Steve says.It takes him a long minute to think of something. Or, more likely, it takes him a long moment to work up the courage. But then he turns and raises his bottle to Tony. Looks him dead in the eyes, a sad, sort of wistful smile on his face, and says, “You.”

The God of Solid Life Advice by kehinki (T, 1.5k)

It's 2012. Steve is just informed by Loki that Bucky's alive.Loki also tells him some other things.

Symmetry Breaking by Annie D (scaramouche) @no-gorms (E, 10.8k)

After the Battle of New York, Steve rode off on his motorbike. That's how it went the first time.This time he rides back, all the way to Stark Tower, where he asks Tony for help.

The Butterfly Effect by @itsallavengers (T, 20.5k)

While fighting with Loki, Steve Rogers from 2012 hears the two simple words: "Bucky's alive."And the whole universe ripples with the aftershocks.

616 FIX-ITS

Yours, Steve by soniclipstick (veriscence) (T, 8.3k)

Tony has read the news, he’s seen footage of the infighting and the arrest and Steve’s bloody body on the courthouse steps. He might not remember, but he understands why Steve can barely look him in the eye anymore.But there’s a ring on the chain of a set of dog tags that have no business being in Tony’s safe. And it fits his finger perfectly.

Your Name on Every Wall by @sineala (T, 17.8k)

The Time Gem throws Steve into the past rather than the future, and in doing so, it gives him the opportunity to undo his past mistakes. But when it turns out that all of his mistakes involve Tony Stark, Steve begins to wonder if he's ever going to be able to mend things between them.

Highest fall you'll ever grace by @laireshi (T, 5.2k)

“You’ll probably want these back,” Tony says at last, and it hurts almost physically to pull the dog tags over his head and offer them to Steve. But they never really belonged to Tony, did they?

Steve seems to hesitate for a second, but then he takes his dog tags with a weird expression. “Yeah,” he says. “They’re mine.”

Double Time by @sineala (E, 123.3k)

Cassino, Italy, December 1943. Special Agent Tony Stark, former Marvels adventurer, is sent to investigate a Cosmic Cube found by the Invaders -- and it's the perfect opportunity for him to rekindle his secret romance with Steve Rogers. But when Hydra attempts to steal the Cube, an inadvertent wish for help leads to the appearance of a Tony from the future of another world: Director Stark of SHIELD. This Tony is a man with a lot on his mind. He refuses to tell them anything about the future, but he seems to know much more than he should about Captain America. And something's happened that's clearly killing him inside, but he's not talking. When Director Stark's failed attempt to return home leads to the unexpected appearance of another visitor from his universe, all the lies come undone. Now there are two wars to fight, and the second one could ruin all of them.

Transmission by laireshi (T, 29.1k)

The incursions are stopped. Steve hopes for things to go back to normal. Instead, he finds himself stranded in an alternate universe with Tony.

Getting home won't be easy. There are too many things they haven't told each other, too many arguments they've never solved.

Now, with just each other for company, they might have to face them all—especially as they seem to be telepathically bonded, and can't keep anything unsaid anymore.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE FIX-IT

Moments by captainshellhead, vibraniumstark (G, 5.4k) (avengers assemble)

After being trapped in a pocket dimension, Tony tries to find his way home - and ends up lost in the multiverse.

#capimrecweek #stevetony #stony #stony fic rec #superhusbands

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famous-aces · 5 years

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Sun Ra

Who: Le Sony'r Ra (born Herman Poole Blount)

What: Musician and Composer

Where: American (active largely in US)

When: May 22, 1914 - May 30, 1993

(Image Description: a black and white photo of Sun Ra from 1979. He is standing in front of a brick wall that has words spray painted on it, partially blocked by his body. Legible is the word "Sunshine" in huge letters, the "I" dotted with a character or starburst. It is written in such big letters the last few have to be reduced to keep them from running over onto the door. Also legible are the letters "L, A" but the rest of that word is behind Ra. Ra himself is a stern looking, dark-skinned black man, shown here from the chest up. He has a longish face, a smallish mouth and eyes, a broad nose, and a cleft chin. He has a very serious expression. He is wearing a wool cap, dark on top with a paler ring at the hem. On top of the hat is a huge 3D sun, about the size of his face. Poking out of the sun are a bunch of shiny wires ending on either small stars or pingpong ball sized planets. On his body Ra wears a cape and below that a robe. The robe is made of two distinct materials, mostly something wrinkled or rough, but in the center over his chest is smooth black fabric with white polka dots on which a sun and the planet Saturn have been painted. End ID.)

He said he was born on Saturn. He wore bright robes and elaborate hats. He was a creature of Ancient Egypt and the unknown future. He never wanted to sleep and never drank. He said his biography was a mystery. He was very fond of mysteries.

Sun Ra was also a jazz pianist, composer, and the leader of the Sun Ra Arkestra, a free-jazz big-band. He is also one of the fathers of Afrofuturism, but given the themes he embraced, the outfit, and the Saturn thing you may have guessed that.

Ra became well known for his musical innovation and uniqueness of instrumentation as well as the drama that characterized his music and persona both on and off the stage. He was active in the jazz scene for roughly forty years from the late 1940s to the early 1990s and he always seemed to be at least a decade ahead in his trends.

Ra was always creating pieces that defied the common and brought together his many complexities of style. In the 1950s, when he first became a band leader, he began incorporating electric piano (his instrument of choice), tympani, and flute, instruments then unheard of in jazz bands. He later would be among the first, if not the first, to introduce the synthesizer. In the 1960s he began incorporating improvisation into his compositions and became well known for his strange solos. And in the 1980s he integrated earlier works into his performances.

His flair for the dramatic was at its highest on stage where combining Ancient Egyptian and sci-fi themes in sets, dance, and costumes. His performances were huge and eclectic and energetic. As much a spectacle for the eyes as the ears.

His best loved albums include SuperSonic Jazz (1957), Cosmic Tones for Mental Therapy (1963), The Magic City (1966), Atlantis (1969), Astro Black (1972), Space is the Place (1973), Lanquidity (1978), Disco 3000 (1978), Sleeping Beauty (1979), Nuclear War (1982), and The Sun Ra Arkestra Meets Salah Ragab in Egypt (1983). There are best of albums like Sun Ra: Singles 1952-1991 (2016) and In the Orbit of Ra (2014). I don't know anything about jazz (free or otherwise) but I did like listening to his stuff, it is very cool and weird.

His personality was as exciting and strange as his music. He had an "equation" rather than a philosophy. Whatever he called it, his thinking was a very New Age, UFO Religion mindset although he was getting into these themes in the 1950s, well before those were popular. His personal equation combined many different sources with his own thoughts to find the path that, one biographer states, "leads beyond the stars." He drew heavily on Ancient Egyptian mythology and mysticism, channeling, black nationalism, Rosicrucianism, Kabbalah, Zen Buddhism, with a very heavy lean into Gnosticism. He frowned on most organized religions but was a highly spiritual being. He was very much pro-civil rights but became disillusioned with the movement. Perhaps the most important things to him were outer space and music. He was always looking both to the distant past and far future.

His theories and equations were his own and explanations never gave a full picture. He took the role of eccentric teacher and apparently played the part well. He had many followers, especially among musicians. Overall, it seems, he embraced the strange and unknown and wore his identity with pride. He was queer and contentedly so.

He would not have been out of place today. Maybe he was from Saturn, but he could have easily been from the future.

(Image Description: the album art for Atlantis. It is all in yellows and purples. It says "An Intergalactic Space Travel in Sound" on the top of the cover. Below that and on the left it says "Sun Ra and his Astro Infinity Arkestra". To the right it says "Atlantis". Below that is shows an amorphous blob of eyeballs and flame. End ID)

Probable Orientation: Aroace

He is another one that aphobes say cannot be ace because they like him too much. They like and respect him so he cannot be sexually abnormal. They can accept him as queer, but aroace is too far. There are many who now accept him to be asexual, but many others who hold fast to their aphobia. Those people constantly claim that he was a sexual entity of some kind despite Ra's own profession to being "nonsexual.".

His queerness was noted before his persona was formed. In 1943 after having a nervous breakdown his doctor accused him of being "psychopathic" and "sexually perverted" because of his being queer. The same doctor also professed Ra (then Blount) was "a well-educated colored intellectual," evidence that his "psychopathy" and "perversion" were rooted in queerness, not something actually wrong with his mental health.

Over the years he had close confidants among his Arkestra musicians and other musical professionals. These were some of the people he was closest to in the world and all of these relationships were platonic, seemingly none I would classify as queerplatonic. All of these confidants noted there was never any romantic or sexual partners they knew of in his life but some have asserted either he was too busy, he just never talked about it/told them (unlikely because he was willing to discuss just about anything which will be highlighted in the quotes), or this was part of his self-denial (he never did drugs or drank and liked to Go Without). Some people in his life assumed Ra as gay (and allo). He was more interested in music than relationships and role as teacher rather than as sexual/romantic partner.

But most of his time was spent with music. His music involved a lot of talk of love but it was always a larger concept than romantic love. Brotherhood, universal acceptance, things like that.

But this should not be debate. Again, he basically said he was asexual in that he literally said he was "nonsexual.".

(Image Description: a color photo of Sun Ra in his costume from Space is the Place. He stands tall with his head tipped up, again serious faced. He has his arms crossed over his chest like a mummy. He is wearing red robes with yellow sleeves that go to the floor. He wears bracelets, rings, and gold shoulder pads. On his head he wears a huge tall headdress. It looks very similar to a pharaoh's crown. Part looks like the lower part of an Egyptian headdress, like the thing the Sphinx wears, and it is striped shiny gold and black. Sitting high on his forehead is a gold and jeweled crown piece and on top of that going probably two feet or so above his head is a gold pronged structure with a gold orb in the middle of the prongs. End ID)

“I don’t believe that something like that [asexuality] exists. Everybody has his or her sexual orientation, be it secret or open ... I don’t think I ever talked about his sex life, but I am pretty sure that he knew Fernando [Vargas, a sound engineer] and I were a gay couple. It made no difference for him, so he was not like a religious fundamentalist who would object to work with people like us, you know. He was just the kind of a guy, if Fernando was drinking wine, he wouldn’t have wine. I heard that none of the guys was ever using drugs. At least they didn’t do it in the studio, but we did have them sleeping overnight. He seemed to be with a pretty clean group.”

-Warren Allen Smith, studio owner and friend of Sun Ra's. (Despite not believing in it Smith basically points out that Ra could have been asexual. He never talked about his sex life, spent the night in a platonic group, Smith also mentioned in the same interview that Vargas and Ra would spend long nights alone just talking about music, that seemed to be what Ra wanted to do. To talk and philosophize. It seems his sexlessness was not about being straight edge.)

"[Vargas was] a good gossip [who would] tell stories about the pope’s testicles."

-Warren Allen Smith (he also describes Vargas as being "outgoing" and "unreservedly gay". The point here is that these men were close friends of Ra's. And Ra was perfectly into this kind of discussion. Indeed he told Vargas and Smith about his own testicles, one of which was undescended. He was not afraid to be completely open about himself and his body. He did not shy away from sex or sexuality, he just wasn't interested in it. It would be out of character for him to avoid talk about his sex life or bring around a romantic partner.)

"Sun Ra abolished sleep from his 'so-called life,' just as he had come to do without the distractions of drugs, alcohol, tobacco, women [sex]."

-John Szwed (Ra biographer in his book Space Is the Place: The Lives and Times of Sun Ra)

"I have heard from Damon Choice and others that Sun Ra used to turn to his Arkestra and declare: Leaders will ask you to give up your lives for them, I ask only if you’ll give up your Death for me? Nothing that is essentially incorporated into human being – not sex, not Death, not religion, or money – nothing that we are or have been is beyond evaporation as our ontology catches up with our time."

-Thomas Stanley (biographer in his book The Execution of Sun Ra) (In other words Ra saw sex as inessential to human nature)

"A gimmick."

-Sun Ra on sexual intercourse

“I have never been able to think of sex as a part of my life though I have tried to but just wasn’t interested.”

-Sun Ra (Nuff said)

(Image Description: a photo of Sun Ra at his keyboard. He is wearing a beaded headdress and shiny rainbow robes. He has his eyes shut, he looks calm, and he has his keyboard at a strange angle as he plays. End ID)

#queer #lgbtq #asexual #ace #aromantic #aro #history #20th century #american #usa #musicians #north america #bio #Sun Ra

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lovehaswonangelnumbers · 4 years

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New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/lovehaswon-special-messagenew-moms-magical-miracle-elixer-colloidal-platinum/

LoveHasWon Special Message~NEW Mom's Magical Miracle Elixer: Colloidal Platinum

LoveHasWon Special Message~NEW Mom’s Magical Miracle Elixer: Colloidal Platinum

By Archeia Aurora, Archeia Hope, Peter, & Dylan of The First Contact Ground Crew Team

Introducing our New Gaia’s Colloidal Platinum! Mom’s Magical Miracle Elixer is a very rare material and has very special and spiritual properties. It holds etheric vibrations which raise the vibration of your spiritual energy within the body. Platinum is a cosmic DNA upgrader, as it heals the chakra systems and allows you to connect with higher frequencies.

“Platinum is quite literally out of this world. Famed through its affiliation with extraterrestrials, this metal actually does emulate vibrations of raw galactic energy. Regardless, this stone has hands down some of the most interesting and unique properties of any mineral in the Crystal Kingdom. In the words of Robert Simmons we are given an image of polarity “ As Gold is to personality as Silver is to Soul, Platinum is Spirit.” It has been known to help one perfect the balance of polarity in their life.

Energetically, Platinum aligns and enhances the entire chakra system, linking one to the etheric chakras. Through this link, one may access cosmic attunement and draw cosmic energy into the physical body. It is possible to integrate comsic energy into one’s own abilities if one is able to form a balanced link between their own physical/spiritual energy (chakra) and the cosmic energy of the universe. Attunement to the cosmos allows one to form a cosmic body that remains linked to the physical body, assisting with walking in their highest purpose.”

https://thecrystalcouncil.com/crystals/platinum

Colloidal platinum promotes the coherence of the electrical impulses that pass along the synapses of the brain. As a result, many experience greater mental clarity and clairvoyance when taking platinum. Increased mental faculties can dramatically change your quality of life. How many of your decisions are based on an expected outcome and programming? We all make our decisions under the assumption that we’re right. If we are able to heal our brain heart connection, a greater percentage of our decisions will feel right, offering a happier, more fulfilled life.

Some of the amazing benefits of platinum include:

* Promotes increased focus and concentration.

* Promotes enhanced mental acuity.

* Supports healthy tissue regeneration of the heart tissue, thymus and the entire endocrine system.

* Promotes increased creativity.

* Promotes lucid dreaming.

* Promotes improved memory.

* Supports DNA repair

Everything is energy, which is frequencies, including sound and vibrations. It all one of the same. In 5D, everything is in perfect harmony, but in 3D, we have discordant energy, disharmonious sounds and frequencies that pierce the body and cause chaos within the cells. We see this with Dr. Emoto’s water experiment, as lower vibrational words caused fractured water molecules. This too occurs with frequencies, which causes the DNA to become fractured and damaged. The DNA then becomes manipulated because it adjusts itself to these lower frequencies, causing distortions within the DNA spiral.

“It can be used to stimulate the health of the eyes, bringing the eyes to an improved condition [the wearing of platinum is recommended to enhance this property]. Platinum also provides for a connection with other cellular structure of the physical body and activates, in the memory of each cell, the recognition of the healthy condition and the process required to maintain that condition; once the cells understand, the may effectively perform to dispel disorder within their structures.”

This is why we have disease, illness, and birth defects, because these distortions are stored in the DNA and passed along through generations. If we just feel into the amount of discordant frequencies we experience in a day, which is inorganic vibrations, we see how the human vessel has taken on so much damage. We have inorganic lighting in our homes, we wake up to harsh tones from alarm clocks, chaotic energy that comes from WiFi, radio waves, microwaves, etc.

Platinum also tends to function as an insulator. For example, as long as it’s in the body either less sunscreen or none at all, would be needed because it’s also involved in processing sunlight as a nutrient. In some people, it might even help in the relief of allergies.

Platinum, a very shiny metal, works like gold in bringing a shining and confident you to the surface, and also builds an inner strength that equates to your recognition of that true inner beauty. It’s a very balanced metal which is the reason why it is represented by both the sun and the moon. Platinum tends to create this expansive reaction within you, giving you exuberance, an inner thrill that you might not have felt since being a child.

Our Gaia’s Colloidal Platinum holds the highest vibrations frequencies on the planet, as they are made within Mother Gods Unified Field. The Colloidal Platinum helps heal the DNA so that the vessel can evolve into a 5D vessel that is crystalline based rather than carbon. It heals the damaged DNA allowing to evolve into God/pure consciousness DNA. Our Colloidal Platinum is also infused with blueberry extract which assists with brain and nerve regeneration (plus it taste great!).

The electrolisys process which is used for the GANS plasma and colloidal process works with our intent and energises the water with the frequency. The Platinum works with regenerating our DNA. When it is converted into nano particles it works with the energy fields of the body igniting our regenerative capabilities. The human body is so amazing at healing itself. It sometimes just needs a spark to get it going again. When working with the alchemy of Mother Earths precious metals it’s really important to be in a present state so that you can allow the flow and guidance to come through. The plasma Platinum Sparks our DNA to regenerate all the connections that our poluted environment damaged. It’s exciting times for those that choose to be grand in these moments. Platinum a very helpful tool for us embodying the grandest versions of ourselves.

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✰ BEST REASONS TO WRITE FUCKIN’ RECORD REVIEWS IN 2018 ✰

✰✰✰✰✰ 6th ANNIVERSARY ✰✰✰✰✰

Neil Morris, speaking to Alan Lomax in 1959:

“Well, when I was just a small boy, Old Uncle Milt Oldfield…Billy Oldfield, the Congressman from Arkansas for so long, it is his father. He and my father are awfully close friends. And they were discussing music. They were music teachers both of them.

“And uh, and they said, dad did and Uncle Milt sanctioned what he said, that MUSIC HAD NO END. That you could learn all the other guy [or girl] learned, and after you got that done they would then, something else would crop up. That uh, that you, that was the reason why that uh, music advanced. That’s why that you would get a better music in one generation maybe that is, uh, IT WOULD FIT THE TIMES IN WHICH THEY LIVED.”

[Lomax: “What about music on the grapevine?”]

“Welllll, they said that MUSIC GREW LIKE THE GRAPEVINE THAT IS NEVER PRUNED. That each year it’d…it’d put on a little bit more. That was what they said, now, about it. Any further questions?”’

It’s time to feast from 2018′s Grapevine That Is Never Pruned with 123 (+ 162 more) of the BEST REASONS TO WRITE FUCKIN’ RECORD REVIEWS IN 2018!

A prefatory note: The Best Reasons campaigns of our first five years endured critiques from far and wide about too many damn records listed. Well...we can no longer countenance such reproach. Every single one of these nuggets is an essential thread in the tapestry of 2018′s combustible sonic arts! We here at FRR stand for ecumenicism and as such, consider the breadth of our listening parameters: Feeding Tube Records issued 74 items in 2018 (!), Clean Feed released about 80, and Astral Spirits about 30...that’s a lot potential gold in those three labels alone. Sure, it’s too much for any one person to absorb, but still...

We all know that some combination of easy access to home studio tools, world wide web streaming, social media delirium, legacy record industry collapse, and artistic resistance to creeping authoritarianism has (somewhat paradoxically) unleashed a tidal wave of idiosyncratically great music during the past decade, so it should come as no surprise that such a list as this would contain nearly 300 essential items. Yea, it seems nearly everything gets recorded and released these days (especially the zonked improv/collagist /noise/outer limits realm), but whether or not we listen to such items as frequently as we consumed Exile On Main Street or Cosmic Tones For Mental Therapy back in the day is irrelevant...the time is now, and as far as wild sounds from the outer dimensions goes, now has unprecedented bounty...listen heartily, for tomorrow, who knows?

(...all long playing records unless otherwise noted...also, the list was made complete with links, but grrr they don’t show up, so point your browser as they used to say and happy hunting!)

✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩

✰ ROSALI Trouble Anyway (Scissor Tail) ✰

✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩

✰ BRIDGET HAYDEN Pure Touch Only From Now On, They Said So (Early Music, Sweden) ✰

✰ YUZO IWATA Daylight Moon (Siltbreeze) ✰

✰ L$D FUNDRAISER Witness Disco (CocoMuse, New Zealand) ✰

✰ MAXINE FUNKE Silk (Feeding Tube) + Eternity 7” (I Dischi Del Barone, Sweden) ✰

✰ LONG HOTS Monday Night Raw cassette (self-released) ✰

✰ BASIC HUMAN Cassette (Meatspin, Australia) ✰

✰ LOOSE-Y CRUNCHÉ Unruly Top cassette (Altered States, Australia) ✰

✰ ETHERS Ethers (Trouble In Mind) ✰

✰ UNHOLY TWO The Pleasure To End All Pleasures (12XU)

✰ ZAÏMPH Rhizomatic Gaze 2LP (Drawing Room) ✰

✰ ALLISON COTTON All Is Quiet At The Ancient Theatre (Feeding Tube) ✰

✰ CONSTANT MONGREL Living In Excellence (Anti Fade, Australia / LVEUM, U.K.) ✰

✰ OTHERWORLD (aka Kay Logan) Mad Wee Light cassette (Kit, UK) ✰

✰ DUSK Dusk (Don Giovanni) & “The Pain Of Loneliness (Goes On And On)” 7″ (Dirtnap) ✰

✰ WENDY EISENBERG Its Shape Is Your Touch (VDSQ) ✰

✰ THALIA ZEDEK BAND Fighting Season (Thrill Jockey) ✰

✰ EN ATTENDANT ANA Lost And Found (Trouble In Mind) ✰

✰ MARK MORGAN Department of Heraldry (Open Mouth) ✰

✰ MORE KLEMENTINES More Klementines (Twin Lakes/Feeding Tube)✰

✰ PATOIS COUNSELORS Proper Release (ever/never) ✰

✰ ANNE GUTHRIE Brass Orchids (Students Of Decay)

✰ STEFAN CHRISTENSEN City Code (Knotwilg, Belgium) & Two Live cassette (The Loki Label)

✰ BB & The BLIPS Shame Job (Thrilling Living)

✰ SAMARA LUBELSKI / BILL NACE Samara Lubelski/Bill Nice (Relative Pitch)

✰ The SEDIMENT CLUB Stucco Thieves (Wharf Cat)

✰ BEAT DETECTIVES Rhythms & Edits Volume 1 cassette (Altered States, Australia)

✰ The COWBOYS Live At Tony’s Garage 7″ ep (Feel It) & The Cowboys [3rd Album] (HoZac - 2017)

✰ SUSANA SANTOS SILVA All the Rivers – Live at Panteão Nacional cd (Clean Feed, Portugal)

✰ DIRE WOLVES Paradisiacal Mind (Feeding Tube/Cardinal Fuzz, U.K.)

✰ SPECIAL INTEREST/S Spiraling (Raw Sugar)

✰ JANUSZEWSKI & SZLAZAK Split cassette (Czaszka, U.K.)

✰ NYLEX Nylex cassette (Tenth Court, Australia)

✰ CHARALAMBIDES Tom And Christina Carter 2 LP (Drawing Room)

✰ CHRISTINA KUBISCH/ANNEA LOCKWOOD The Secret Life Of The Inaudible 2 cd (Gruenrekorder, Germany)

✰ HEAVY METAL Heavy Metal ep 7″ (Total Punk)

✰ LUJIACHI Invisible Hands cassette (Altered States, Australia)

✰ OBNOX Templo del Sonido (Astral Spirits/Monofonus Press)

✰ PINEAPPLE RNR Pineapple Rik N Roll 7″ (Lumpy)

✰ WILLIAM PARKER Voices Fall From The Sky 3 cd (AUM Fidelity)

✰ RON JONS SURF SHOP Ron Jons Surf Shop Sampler cassette (Ron Jons Surf Shop)

✰ LUCY MILLER Lion's Heart : Demos & Early Recordings cd-r (Soleils Bleus, France)

✰ BLUE CHEMISE Daughters Of Time (Students Of Decay)

✰ EKIN FIL Maps (Helen Scarsdale) & “Windblow” download (Longform Editions, Australia)

✰ COUNTER INTUITS Vietnamese Lighter 7″ (Total Punk)

✰ CHRONOPHAGE (Minneapolis) Prolog For Tomorrow (Cleta Petra)

✰ HOBBS-WHITE DUO Hobbs-White Duo at Whitechapel Gallery, 10 June 1973H download (EMC, UK)

✰ CHRONOPHAGE (Austin) Give Chance A Peace download (self-released)

✰ CIA DEBUTANTE Waves (Czaszka, U.K.)

✰ WEEPING BONG BAND Weeping Bong Band (Feeding Tube)

✰ COOLIES/The FUTURIANS Coolies/The Futurians split cassette (Uniform, New Zealand)

✰ QUIETUS Volume Four (ever/never)

✰ New Centre Of The Universe (Anti Fade, Australia)

✰ LISA CAMERON/SANDY EWEN See Creatures cassette (Astral Spirits)

✰ BRUTAL BIRTHDAY “Commotion” + 2 7” (Total Punk)

✰ DE PONTI/MORETTI Before We Were Foam We Were Unbridled Waves cassette (Dinzu Artefacts)

✰ DAVID NANCE GROUP Peaced And Slightly Pulverized (Trouble In Mind)

✰ CRAMMM Crammm cassette (Brainplan) & Live 2018 (Brainplan)

✰ NERVE BEATS Nerve Beats (Fine Concepts)

✰ WILLIE LANE Known Quantity reissue (Feeding Tube)

✰ The WAY AHEAD Bells, Ghosts And Other Saints cd (Clean Feed, Portugal)

✰ BADSKIN Where Was I (Brierfield Flood Press, Australia)

✰ The ANCIENTS Frozen Aisle (Tenth Court, Australia)

✰ METTE RASMUSSIN & CHRIS CORSANO A View Of The Moon (From The Sun) cd (Clean Feed, Portugal)

✰ SYLVIE COURVOISIER TRIO D’Agala cd (Intakt, Switzerland)

✰ MOSQUITOES Drip Water Hollow Out Stone (ever/never)

✰ CHARLOTTE HUG Son-Icon Music: Orchestra And Choral Works cd (Fundacja Słuchaj, Poland)

✰ RUSS WATERHOUSE Amaro cassette (Gertrude Tapes)

✰ RICHARD PAPIERCUTS Twisting The Night 12″ (ever/never)

✰ The COOL GREENHOUSE “London”/“The End Of The World” 7” (Market Square Recordings, Spain)

✰ SANDY EWEN & CHASE GARDNER Transfusion cd (Marginal Frequency)

✰ AMEEL BRECHT Polygraph Heartbeat (Kraak, Belgium)

✰ SUCCHIAMO Mani In Fuoco (Antinote, France)

✰ PORTRON PORTRON LOPEZ De Colère Et D'Envie (PoiL, France)

✰ TOM SMITH & MARK MORGAN Bones Sound Shipwreck cd (KSV, Germany)

✰ CIVIC New Vietnam 12″ (Anti Fade, Australia) & Those Who Know 7″ (Famous Class)

✰ CARLO GIUSTINO Non Uscire cassette (No Rent)

✰ DONALD MCPHERSON & TETUZI AKIYAMA The Kitchen Tapes, Volume 1 cassette (God In The Music, New Zealand)

✰ HORNE & HOLT Wires (Self-Sabotage)

✰ WOLKOROTS Don Treppenwitz cassette (Dinzu Artefacts)

✰SAVAK Beg Your Pardon (Ernest Jenning Record Co.)

✰ The BALKANYS The Balkanys (Toddi Records/Another Records, France)

✰ ANTELOPER Kudu cassette (International Anthem Recording Company)

✰ CLAIRE POTTER & BRIDGET HAYDEN’S I Am Come From A Place) cassette (Fort Evil Fruit, Ireland)

✰ LAURA LUNA CASTILLO Laminaires (Genot, Czech Republic)

✰ RST Spectra (\\NULL|ZØNE//)

✰ TORI KUDO ガラ刑GALAKEI 2 LP (bruit direct disques, France)

✰ SIGNE DAHLGREEN Kunki Snuk cassette (Astral Spirits)

✰ PIOUS FAULTS Old Thread (Feel It)

✰ MELFI Four Concerns cassette (Czaszka, U.K.)

✰ The EX 27 Passports (Ex Records, Netherlands)

✰ J.H. GURAJ Steadfast On Our Sand (Boring Machines, Italy)

✰ KUZU Hiljaisuus (Astral Spirits)

✰ WUSSY What Heaven Is Like (Shake It)

✰ BORZOI A Prayer For War (12XU)

✰ RAYS You Can Get There From Here (Trouble In Mind)

✰ DELPHINE DORA Eudaimon (three:four, Switzerland)

✰ LAKE MARY & M. SAGE Lupine Deluxe cassette (Patient Sounds (Intl))

✰ ART GRAY NOIZZ QUINTET “A Call To You”/”Won’t you Say It To My Face” 7″ (Robelion Music)

✰ VANILLA POPPERS I Like Your Band 7″ ep (Feel It)

✰ SOURDURE L’Espròva (Les Disques du Festival Permanent/Pagans, France)

✰ LOGARDECAY (Leslie García and Paloma López) FRGL cassette (Umor Rex, Mexico)

✰ DE KLUMB Con Pimiento cassette (U-Bac, Germany)

✰ MIDWIFE Prayer Hands cassette (Antiquated Future)

✰ SALAD BOYS This Is Glue (Trouble In Mind)

✰ RAMBLE TAMBLE Outlaw Overtones cassette (Eiderdown)

✰ ABBY LEE TEE Imaginary Friends I cassette (Czaszka, U.K.)

✰ INGRID LAUBROCK Contemporary Chaos Practices / Two Works For Orchestra With Soloists cd (Intakt, Switzerland)

✰ PATRICK SHIROISHI Sparrow's Tongue cassette (Fort Evil Fruit, Ireland)

✰ FIA FIELL All In The Same Room cassette (Nice Music, Australia)

✰ PREENING Nice Dice 7″ ep (Fine Concepts) & Greasetrap Frisbee 7″ (ever/never)

✰ SABASABA SabaSaba (Maple Death, U.K)

✰ HEADROOM/DIRE WOLVES Split (Pome Pome Tones/Centripetal Force)

✰ APOLOGIST Houston cassette (No Rent)

✰ The SITUATIONS The Day After The Night Before cassette (Melted Ice Cream, NZ)

✰ WONDERFULS Voices Like Rain cassette (Round Bale Recordings)

✰ TASHI DORJI & TYLER DAMON Leave No Trace: Live In St. Louis (Family Vineyard) & Soft Berm cassette (Magnetic South)

NAUJAWANAN BAIDAR Volume 1 cassette (Radio KHIYABAN, Netherlands)

LOUIS MINUS II Je Voudrais Juste Dormir Pour Toujours cassette (Econore, Germany)

The OPAWA 45s Silver Screen Guitar cassette (Melted Ice Cream, New Zealand)

MT ACCORD Postcards From A Dream cassette (Czaszka, U.K.)

JONÁŠ GRUSKA Žaburina (LOM, Slovakia)

CHICALOYOH Jaune Colère (213 Records, France)

MAMITRI YULITH EXPRESS YONAGUNISAN Yulith 2 LP (bruit direct disques, France)

AONGHIS MCENVOY & TRISTAN CLUTTERBUCK Duos cassette (Fractal Meat Cuts, UK)

IE Pone cassette (Moon Glyph)

MARILYN CRISPELL/TANYA KALMANOVITC/RICHARD TEITELBAUM Dream Libretto (Leo, U.K.)

E Negative World (Thrill Jockey)

Wound 2 lp (Carbon Records)

DOMINIQUE VACCARO Close Distances cassette (Dinzu Artefacts)

RIÑA Aqui No Eres Nadie 7″ ep (Thrilling Living)

GÜNTER BABY SOMMER & TILL BRÖNNER Baby’s Party cd (Intakt, Switzerland)

TRISTAN MAGNETIC Tristan Magnetique triple cassette box (Otomatik Muziek, Germany)

FAMOUS LOGS IN HISTORY Famous Logs In History cassette (Fuzzy Warbles)

LUKE STEWART’s Works For Upright Bass And Amplifier cassette (Astral Spirits)

RADIANT FUTUR Overdriven Youth download (Get Busy!, Russia)

LÄRMSCHUTZ TAFELMUSIK SEPTET Vierte Tafelmusik cassette (Katuktu Collective)

TERRESTIALS Terrestials 12″ (Heel Turn)

ALEX CRISPIN Open Submission cassette (Constellation Tatsu)

MAAVIN Sunday Drive EP download (Get Busy!, Russia)

CHARLOTTE HUG & LUCAS NIGGLI Fulguratio cd (Fundacja Słuchaj, Poland)

NAMELESS FRAMES Already Inside + 3 10″ (Super Secret Records)

GÜNTER SCHLIENZ Liederbuch cassette (Muzan Editions, Japan)

SCRAP BRAIN Scrap Brain (Thrilling Living)

WURLD SERIES Stately and Befrothed cassette (Melted Ice Cream, NZ)

ENDURANCE Celestial Governors cassette (Tymbal Tapes)

BRABRABRA Lagooona 7″ ep (Kitchen Leg, Germany)

DAN MELCHIOR ‘The Folksinger’ (Swashbuckling Hobo, Australia)

JEN KUTLER Worth cassette (Never Anything)

Field Recordings from the Sahel cassette (Sahel Sounds)

MONNONE ALONE Cut Knuckle 7” (Lost And Lonesome Recording Co., Australia)

ANDREW BARKER & DANIEL CARTER Polyhedron cassette (Astral Spirits)

YVES MALONE Aced (2014) cassette (Baked Tapes)

JOHN HOEGBERG Motion Detecting Songs cassette (Ehse)

CHAOSOPHY Who Are These People And What Do They Believe In cd (Discordian/Liquen Record, Spain)

ARIAN SHAFIEE A Scarlet Fail (VDSQ) & Beauty Tuning (Hausu Mountain)

AKIRA SAKATA & CHIKAMORACHI with MASAHIKO SATOH Proton Pump cd (Family Vineyard)

LEA BERTUCCI Metal Aether (NNA)

BIG SUPERMARKET 1800 (Hobbies Galore, Australia)

GARCIA PEOPLES Cosmic Cash (Beyond Beyond Is Beyond)

R.M.F.C. Hive cassette (Slime Street, Australia)

BIKINI COPS Three 7” (Drunken Sailor, U.K.)

MUYASSAR KURDI & NICHOLAS JOZWIAK Intersections & Variations cassette (Astral Spirts)

P WITS Blonde On Blonde double cassette (chemical imbalance., Australia)

FOLD Aegean Sea 12” (AUS, UK)

TASHI DORJI & DAVID GRUBBA Fixed Entrance Derivatives cassette (Sky Lantern)

WET PISS Wet Piss cassette (Dumpster Tapes)

TIM & THE BOYS Growing (Meatspin, Australia)

DINO SPILUTTINI Forever cassette (No Rent)

NEGATIVE NANCIES You Do You download (CocMuse, New Zealand)

MISSING PAGES “Long Way Down” 7″ (12XU)

SUNWATCHERS II & Illegal Moves 12” (both Trouble In Mind)

EYES NINETY Glaucoma Chameleon (Swashbuckling Hobo, Australia)

PATRICIA KOKETT Diabel 12” (Knekelhuis, Netherlands)

GEE TEE Gee Tee cassette (Slime Street, Australia)

C. WORTH A Farther Sea cassette (Gertrude Tapes)

OREN AMBARCHI/KONRAD SPRENGER/PHILLIP SOLLMANN Panama/Suez 12” (Ostgut Ton, Germany)

REX WONDERFUL & THE SILK SHEETS Ego Death cassette (Tenth Court, Australia)

SARAH DAVACHI Gave In Rest (Ba Da Bing) & Let Night Come On Bells End The Day (Recital)

PELVI$$ Pelvi$$ cassette (Fuzzy Warbles)

JEFF TOBIAS Completely Phantom cassette (Baked Tapes)

BILL ORCUTT & CHRIS CORSANO Brace Up! (Palilalia)

DONKEY BUGS Ancient Chinese Secrets (Lumpy)

MOUNTAIN MOVERS Pink Sky (Trouble In Mind) & New Jam 12″ (C/Site)

MAbH cinjusti cassette (Tymbal Tapes)

Bad Taste Vol. II - Another Collection Of Sounds From The NZ Underground cassette (chemical imbalance., Australia)

TERRY I’m Terry (Upset! The Rhythm, UK)

NYZ RLD GLD ET AL cassette (Fractal Meat Cuts, UK)

THEE OPEN SEX White Horses (Sophomore Lounge)

DRUNK MUMS Denim & Leather, Together Forever cassette (Slime Street, Australia)

JONES JONES [OCHS/DRESSER/TARASOV] A Jones In Time Saves Nine download (self-released)

IVAN THE TOLERABLE & FRIENDS Autodidact 10″ (Ack! Ack! Ack!, U.K.)

DANIEL CARTER / WILLIAM PARKER / MATTHEW SHIPP Seraphic Light cd (AUM Fidelity)

PURPUR SPYTT Nitpick 7″ ep (POUeT! Schallplatten, France)

BLOWDRYER Blowdryer cassette (self-released)

CHARNEL GROUND Charnel Ground (12XU)

KAJA DRAKSER / PETTER ELDH / CHRISTIAN LILLINGER Punkt.Vrt.Plastik cd (Intakt, Switzerland)

DRY CLEANING Sweet Princess cassette (self-released, U.K.)

ELKHORN Lion Fish cassette (Eiderdown)

ROMAIN BAUDOIN Bestiari (Pagans/In Situ, France)

SUNWATCHERS AND EUGENE CHADBOURNE 3 Characters 2 LP (Amish)

FRANCIS PLAGNE Moss Trumpet (Penultimate Press, U.K. )

SHITTY LIFE Switch Off Your Head (self-released, Italy)

SICK LLAMA Stage Poison double cassette (unifactor)

ROCKET 808 “Digital Billboards”/“Mystery Train” 7” (12XU)

JON COLLIN What Is Thunder cassette (Fort Evil Fruit, Ireland)

CONCRETE LAWN Demo cassette (Urge, Australia)

BLANK REALM Last Seen (Hobbies Galore, Australia)

DJ OVERDOSE DJ Overdose 12” (L.I.E.S.)

LUDWIG BERGER & VERONIKA EHRENSPERGER The Capacity Of Things To Act cassette (Dinzu Artefacts)

BRANDY Laugh Track (Monofonus Press)

PETER EVANS/ AGUSTÍ FERNÁNDEZ/BARRY GUY Free Radicals cd (Fundacja Słuchaj, Poland)

LES HALLES Zonda cassette (Not Not Fun)

SAMARA LUBELSKI Flickers At The Station (Drawing Room)

PRANA CRAFTER Bodhi Cheetah's Choice (Beyond Beyond Is Beyond)

YLAYALI Pumpkin Patch cassette (self-released)

DEAF WISH Lithium Zion (Sub Pop)

ROSE THOMAS BANNISTER Ambition cd (self-released)

MIDDEX No Home (Polytechnic Youth, UK)

SEI A Phase EP (Aus Music, U.K.)

KALI MALONE Cast Of Mind (Hollow Ground, Switzerland) & Organ Dirges 2016-2017 cassette (Ascetic House)

GERRIT HATCHER Parables For The Tenor cassette (Astral Spirits)

The 1902 Syntropic Seasonal 5 cd-r comp (Wist Rec, Ireland)

The LENTILS My Pillow Lava (Complete Trilogy) double cassette (unread)

SCY2E*GLOCHIDS*NURSE BETTY Weird Ear's Fantastic Voyage (Autumn East Coast Tour) comp (Weird Ear)

the SHIFTERS Have A Cunning Plan (Trouble In Mind)

CÉCILE CAPOZZO TRIO Sub Rosa cd (Ayler Records, France)

PROJET DE VIE Vol. #1 EP cassette ([Equilibre Fragile], France)

JAX DELUCA Organs In The Wind cassette (ACR, U.K.)

LUCY CLICHÉ Cliché’s Principle (Fleisch, Germany)

JANO DOE( aka KATARÍNA GATIALOVÁ) Duranzie cassette Genot Centre, Czech Republic)

KOMARE Komare cassette (Round Bale Recordings)

COLLATE Liminal Concerns (self-released)

AREK GULBENKOGLU A gift like a hollow vessel (Penultinate Press, UK)

BASIC HOUSE & WANDA GROUP No Sympathy (Opal Tapes, U.K.)

MANUEL TROLLER Vanishing Point (three: four, Switzerland)

STEPH RICHARDS/VINNY GOLIA/BERT TURETZKY Trio Music cd (pfmentum)

HEART OF SNAKE Heart Of Snake cassette (Maple Death, U.K.)

SCHWEBEN Sketches Of Plains cassette (Otomatik Muziek, Germany)

GENEVA SKEEN A Parallel Array Of Horses download (Room40, Australia)

IKUI DOKI Ikui Doki (Ayler, France)

CHARLES BARABÉ De La Fragilité cassette (Astral Spirits)

MIDNIGHT MINES Invisible Insurrection Of A Million Minds (The Loki Label) & Stations 7″ (I Dischi Del Barone, Sweden)

DELACAVE Window Has No Glass (POUeT! Schallplatten, France)

MARY LATTIMORE & MEG BAIRD Ghost Forests cd (Three Lobed Recordings)

M/M I Know You Are Thinking I've Said This All Before cassette (Czaska, U.K.)

The ATTACHMENTS II cassette (self-released)

TYSHAWN SOREY Pillars 3 cd (Firehouse 12)

JOËLLE LÉANDRE Strings Garden 3 cd (Fundacja Słuchaj, Poland)

STONE WITCHES Machine Efficient cassette (Slime Street, Australia)

CARA STACEY & CAMILO ÁNGELES Ceder (Kit, U.K)

DIRE WOLVES (JUST EXACTLY PERFECT SISTERS BAND) One For The Heads cassette (Baked Tapes) & Earthquake Country cassette (Sky Lantern) & Shootout At The Dildo Factory (Eiderdown) 142

(this is a pic of DIRE WOLVES with their eyes closed)

GEN POP II 7″ ep (Feel It)

ANGLES 3 Parede (Clean Feed, Portugal)

FRANK HURRICANE Holy Mountain Coffee tour cassette (self-released)

CARROM Prehistories cassette (self-released, Canada)

PARSNIP Feeling Small 7″ (Anti Fade, Australia)

ÁINE O’DWYER / GRAHAM LAMBKIN Green Ways 2 cd (erstwhile)

Longform Editions digital series, particularly: EKIN FIL “Windblow”, MARJA AHTI “Entering A Cloud” and STEAM VENT “Swells”

CLINTON GREEN Setting For The Iliad CD-R (Frustration Jazz, Australia)

PETER EVANS & BARRY GUY Syllogistic Moments cd (Maya Recordings, Swizterland)

ETRAN DE L’AÏR No. 1 (Sahel Sounds)

ALIEN NOSEJOB Various Fads & Technological Achievements (Anti Fade, Australia)

J.C. SATÀN Centaur Desire (Born Bad, France)

NAGUAL & STEFAN CHRISTENSEN Third 7″ (I Dischi Del Barone, Sweden)

EXEK Ahead Of Two Thoughts (W.25th) & A Casual Assembly 12″ (W.25th)

ARUÁN ORTIZ TRIO’s Live in Zurich (Intakt, Switzerland)

MIA DYBERG TRIO Ticket! (Clean Feed, Portugal)

LA DANTA Alpeis Καράκας cassette (Fort Evil Fruit, Ireland)

WEAK SIGNAL LP1 cassette (Reality Delay)

DISTANT STARS The Way Things Work cassette (Detonic, Australia)Field Recordings from the Sahel

MUDHONEY Digital Garbage (Sub Pop)

ROB NOTES & RYAN LEE CROSBY Modal Improvisations on 34 Strings cassette (Cabin Floor Esoterica)

...all those LOKI LABEL boots...

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