#dang that’s a core memory

[pixlokita]

Why are you sorry? You're correct! They're just tiny little guys

Idk I feel bad I think some people find it annoying xD but yeah ;v; bless 👌💖 they’re just tiny in my heart

[elis-corner]

Firstly, I'd like to thank my conservative upbringing for giving me anxiety. Couldn't have done it without you.

Second, I would like to thank The X-Files for making me realise that I'm bi as fu-

[happypolicecherry]

Silent Echoes

Dang Heng!Honkai Starrail x deaf!reader

Angst with comfort

The Deafening Silence

The darkness came first. Then, the light. Y/N blinked slowly, their eyelids heavy, like a weight had pressed down on their entire body. As their eyes adjusted to the room, memories began to trickle back. The expedition. The accident. The explosion that had rattled them to the core. And then… the silence. It was an unsettling kind of quiet, one that felt like it was sinking into their bones. The steady hum of machinery from the Astral Express was absent. Y/N couldn’t even hear the faintest whisper of their own breathing.

The room was dimly lit, the sterile scent of medical equipment filling the air. The Astral Express crew stood huddled around the bed, their expressions a mix of worry and relief. Y/N’s eyelids fluttered, the faintest stir of life returning to their form. It had been days since the accident, days of uncertainty, and now, at last, Y/N was waking up.

March was the first to notice, her voice soft but eager as she spoke, “Look, they’re waking up!”

Dan Heng, who had been standing at the back of the room, was at Y/N’s side in an instant, his normally stoic face betraying a flicker of emotion. His hand hovered just above Y/N’s, as if afraid to touch them before they were fully conscious.

Y/N’s eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the light. The room came into focus, shapes and figures solidifying—Dan Heng’s worried face, March’s hopeful one, and the others in the background. Their lips were moving, but no sound followed. Y/N blinked, confusion clouding their features. The silence that filled the room was not just an absence of noise; it was suffocating, unnatural.

They shifted in the bed, trying to speak, but the words came out wrong—distant, warped. There was no sound, no feedback, just a void. Y/N’s heart began to race as the realization set in, a growing sense of dread overtaking them. They couldn’t hear. At all.

Their hands shot up to cover their ears, trying to block out the silence that seemed louder than anything they’d ever experienced. It was an eerie, oppressive quiet, one that threatened to swallow them whole. Y/N screamed, or at least they thought they did. The sensation of their vocal cords straining was there, but the sound wasn’t. It was like being trapped in a nightmare.

The crew exchanged worried glances. The room, once calm, was now thick with tension. The beeping of the medical monitors accelerated, matching the rhythm of Y/N’s rising panic. Y/N was shaking, their hands still pressed tight against their ears, as if trying to drown out the silence, their body trembling uncontrollably.

Dan Heng moved first. His usually steady demeanor cracked at the sight of Y/N’s distress. He surged forward, gently but firmly pulling Y/N’s hands away from their ears, forcing them to look at him. His hands cradled their face, his touch grounding them, though Y/N’s breathing remained erratic. The crew stepped back, giving him space, unsure of what to do in the face of such raw panic.

March's voice trembled, “What do we—”

“Give them space,” Dan Heng cut in sharply, his voice calm but laced with urgency. He turned his full attention back to Y/N, his forehead nearly touching theirs as he tried to steady them.

Y/N’s gaze locked onto him, wide-eyed and terrified. They could feel the warmth of his hands, the pressure of his fingers against their skin, but it was all swallowed by the void where sound should have been.

Dan Heng didn’t waste time. His hands moved from their face to their shoulders, squeezing gently to bring them back, his lips forming the words: It’s okay. I’m here. Though the words didn’t reach Y/N’s ears, his presence was enough to cut through the haze of fear.

The beeping from the machines grew louder, the erratic screeching adding to the chaos. Y/N’s chest heaved with panicked breaths, but Dan Heng remained steady. His own heart was pounding, but he couldn’t let it show. He had to be their anchor.

He pulled Y/N closer, wrapping his arms around them, his chin resting against the top of their head. Y/N’s hands clutched at his shirt, fists trembling as they leaned into him. The others watched in stunned silence, the monitors still beeping frantically.

Dan Heng’s grip tightened, his fingers threading through Y/N’s hair, his presence a barrier against the deafening silence that had consumed them. Slowly, Y/N’s breathing began to slow, the weight of his embrace pulling them out of their spiral. They weren’t alone in the silence. He wouldn’t let them be.

The beeping of the machines gradually returned to a steady rhythm, though the tension in the room remained palpable. The crew let out a collective breath, but no one moved or spoke. This was far from over.

Dan Heng pulled back just enough to look at Y/N, his face softening as he gently tilted their chin up, forcing them to meet his eyes. His lips moved again, slowly, so they could see: You’re safe.

Though Y/N couldn’t hear the words, they could feel them. Dan Heng’s calm, unwavering presence was enough to keep the darkness at bay. They pressed their forehead against his chest, and for the first time since waking, a small sense of relief washed over them. The silence was still there, but with Dan Heng beside them, it wasn’t as terrifying as it had been before.

[truths33k3r4]

CHAPTER 5 - The Stain of Guilt

The quiet of the living room was abruptly interrupted by the sound of shifting on the couch.

Mikey’s eyes wrenched tightly shut as he twisted and shuddered into his oldest brother’s shoulder. Squeaked whimpers escaped his lips, as his hands twitched and gripped the air. His plastron rose and fell in between sharp, quiet gasps through his clenched teeth.

“Mghhh….n-no..”

He buried his face deeper under Leo’s chin.

“Ghhhh…don’t…”

His hands unconsciously wrapped around Leo’s waist, striving for safety and comfort. Leo’s still slumbering form slowly leaned further into his shaking embrace. 

“Hhh.. stop.. HhHHh.. Stop…”

Mikey’s heart beat rapidly, pounding from the inside of his plastron. His quiet gasps quickly worsened as he began to frantically choke on each cracking breath.

“...Mgghhh...No…No!...NO!!!!”

Mikey shot up from the cushions of the couch, reaching his arm out to grasp something that wasn’t there. His dazed pupils searched around the room as his hand clasped onto his heaving chest.

Leo’s oldest brother instincts prevailed against his need for sleep as he too leapt to his feet, patting his shell down in a sloppy search for his missing katanas. He nearly slammed into the nearby coffee table in his dazed state.

“-WHHaaaaAAAT?!?! Whaaaaasss wrong?!?!” The oldest brother slurred and shouted as he scrambled to find his bearings, grabbing his phone from the table and holding it as if it were an impromptu weapon over his head. 

Mikey’s ears rang with the fading echoes of Don and Raph’s agonized screams. His heart pounded into his ribs, making him wince and press his trembling hand onto his chest. A pellet of fear fell down into the depths of his stomach, disintegrating the outer casing and unleashing a vile acid into his core. The hand squeezed to his chest shot up to clasp over his mouth as he felt noxious fumes expel a bitter taste into the back of his throat.

Oh crud. 

I cannot throw up in the middle of the living room- this is the ONE ROOM in the lair with a carpet- Dad will KILL ME.

Mikey recalled the time years ago when Klunk, his cat, had coughed up one heck of a hairball on that very carpet. Master Splinter banned her from that room for eternity, and would always chase the tortie out whenever she got close. 

His mind got ripped back from his loving memories of his cherished cat by the clawed grasp of the growing doom climbing its way up.

Swallow. 

J-JUST. SWALLOW!

With a shuddering but stubborn wince, he forced the acid back down his throat. Tears sprang to his eyes by the vile taste and lingering burn in his mouth.

Ughhhh that was so gross.

 I’ll just wash it down with some pizza later.

Both of Mikey’s hands hesitantly lowered from his mouth, planting themselves onto his thighs. His hunched shoulders relaxed, and he took a much-needed deep breath.

Chill. It was just a dream. It was all in your head. You’re fine. Leo’s fine. Don and Raph are-

alive and home.

To distract from the nausea, Mikey watched Leo as the leader blinked the sleep from his eyes and scanned the room for any intruders. His posture quickly tightened into a defensive stance as he gripped his phone with one hand and formed a slightly quaking fist with the other. Finding no enemies in the general vicinity, he began to search through the room, continuing to hold up his phone as if, in the scenario he did find someone, would beat them to death with it.

His search came to an abrupt halt when he turned around to see Mikey.

“W-whoa. Mike, you alright?” 

Leo’s tight fist opened as he reached out his hand to the youngest. Gentleness and concern masked over the tenseness in his eyes, as his voice quieted to a soothing chime in the settling winds of panic. A firm hand landed on Mikey’s knee as the eldest knelt down in front of him to be at the same eye level.

“Mikey. What’s wrong?”

DANG IT. Didn't think of his big brother senses going off...

“I-I’m fine. Everything’s goo-UGH- d.” 

Mikey’s hands shot right back up over his mouth at the feeling of acid creeping up his throat again. He didn’t mean to allow a gag to escape through his last word…When Mikey looked back up to see the eldest’s face, the concern flushed over Leo’s expression had multiplied tenfold.

“-Michelangelo! Are you sick? What’s going on? Do you feel warm? Chills?...” Leo reverted back to ‘Medic Mode’ faster than Mikey could scarf down a pizza, searching over his brother by taking his pulse, craning his neck to spot any injuries, and placing a cool palm on his forehead.

“Hmm no fever- Your color seems a bit greener than normal.. Pulse is a little elevated...” Leo mumbled to himself as he sandwiched the youngest’s face in between his hands. 

“Leo! I’m fiiiiine!” Mikey stated in an exasperated sigh. “I just… woke up weird.”

Leo’s icy irises constricted, peering into Mikey’s soul like they always did. The eldest’s mouth closed and slid into a thin line sitting slanted on his face. His firm palms squeezed into Mikey’s cheeks impelling an actually honest answer. Classic older-brother-speak for ‘You got two seconds to tell me the truth before I beat it out of you’.

Mikey sighed exaggeratedly as he gave in to the icy gaze that had made him crack under pressure for as long as he could remember. He’d never been that great at lying. Especially to his oldest brother who was capable of breaking any poor soul with his patented ‘disappointed mom’ look.

“Ok…fine. I…” Mikey raised his hand and began rubbing at the back of his neck, averting his eyesight from the piercing stare his oldest brother was shooting at him. “...It… it was just a n-nightmare.”

Leo’s laser-pointed gaze fizzled out instantly, leaving nothing but a fallen expression of understanding saturated in remorse. The cool palms surrounding Mikey’s face slowly released their grip, falling and landing onto the fabric of the cushions.

“Oh…I’m…I-I’m sorry.”

Mikey’s aqua eyes searched through the freezing tundra of his brother’s, looking past the dutiful worrying, and finding something far more unrelenting and destructive. The nausea quickly morphed into an unsettled pit of concern for his oldest brother.

He leaned over and placed his quivering hand onto Leo’s shoulder.

“It’s not your fault…I had the nightmare.”

“No…I guess it’s not…” Leo whispered to himself.

…not this time.”

Mikey barely caught the last wisps of Leo’s words.

“You can’t control when these things happen, bro.”

Leo averted his gaze to the floor as his muscles all tensed under Mikey’s palm.

No. Stop it.

Mikey tightened his grip on Leo’s shoulder.

“You didn’t know it would happen.”

“...Not being prepared made it happen.” Leo snarled to himself. His jaw was taut, and his eyes began to shine with moisture. Just as a tear was about to fall, Leo forcefully blinked it away as he shook his head and growled.

STOP IT.

“There was no way you could’ve prepared! Being ready doesn’t always keep things from happening!!” Mikey raised his voice with determination. “You didn’t know that would happen to them. You didn’t KNOW, Leo. You can’t be ready for something that you never expected would ever HAPPEN.”

Mikey grabbed Leo’s shoulders with both his hands, and yanked the oldest close, causing a quick yelp to escape Leo at the rough treatment.

“You are an amazing leader, bro. And you worked your shell off to make it so our brothers could come home. You searched for days! You barely ate.”

Leo’s eyes mimicked saucers as he remained pinned down by Mikey’s increasing grip. His breath hitched in weak gasps as his pupils continued to shrink. 

Mikey let out a steadying breath as he relaxed his grip on his brother’s battered shoulders.

“Why are you trying to redeem yourself when you’ve done nothing wrong?”

Leo’s crystal irises became tainted by the stain of guilt in his heart.

“THEY GOT CAPTURED ON MY WATCH, MIKEY.” Leo shouted, clamping his hands onto Mikey’s arms in a death-like grip. “I let them go to the junkyard! I FAILED TO KEEP THEM SAFE!!”

The sermon on Mikey’s tongue vanished as his breath was knocked out of him by his brother’s fury.

“I am their leader…” Leo’s own breath hitched as he let go of his grip on Mikey’s arms and placed his hand onto Mikey’s face. “...I am your leader. I…h-h-have to keep…you all…safe.” Leo’s voice shattered into millions of fragments as he rubbed his thumb over the tears flowing down Mikey’s eyes. 

“You…are my responsibility, little brother…” Leo whispered in choked attempts to keep from crying. “Sensei chose me to lead you. God chose me to protect you. All of you.

...And I failed.” 

“You didn’t. You didn’t fail, Leo.” Mikey brokenly whispered as he flung himself onto his brother, wrapping his arms around the eldest’s neck as they both fell to the floor with a *thud*.

“You didn’t fail.” Mikey tearfully whimpered as he clutched Leo tighter. “We’re all still here, bro. *hic* W-we’re all h-home.” 

Mikey felt the shudders of Leo’s breath and body as the eldest fought to stay together. Strong arms encompassed Mikey, trying to return the comfort. A weak breath filled Leo’s lungs, slowly being let out in an attempt at a calming sigh.

“..Thanks, little brother.” Leo whispered as he nuzzled his face deeper into the brother’s embrace.

But do you believe it?

“But…d-do you believe me?” Mikey asked in a shaky but hopeful voice.

Everything went silent.

“...No. 

M-maybe. 

I… I don’t know.”

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

Before Mikey could pull himself together to deliver one HECK of a message to his stagnant brother, Leo spoke up one more time. His words were the most quiet they’ve ever been, and sounded like they were almost painful to speak.

“...P-please pray for me, Mikey…Please pray f-for me.”

Mikey’s eyes widened at his brother’s broken voice. It brought him back to the night Don and Raph were taken. 

The night he watched Leo fall apart right in front of him.

Mikey tried to calm his hiccups and sobs by clearing his throat and taking a quick breath.

God wasn’t the only One Who needed to hear this prayer.

“D-dear Lord.. Please h-help Leo. Um..please help him to n-not blame himse-elf. Help h-him to speak truth in his heart. Help him not to b-believe the lies in his head…

…H-help him to remember how much he is loved.” 

Mikey felt the cool sting of tears prickle the skin on his neck as Leo wept softly over his shoulder.

“..I l-love you, bro. Never forget that. N-never forget it.” Mikey whispered.

“You didn’t fail. You n-need to forgive yourself, bro. You need to-”

“- I can’t.” 

“Yes you can.”

“I can’t!...”

“You c-can do all things through Christ Who strengthens you, right?”

“I…”

“You can!”

“I… I-”

“You need to believe that, L-leo. You need to remember you’re already forgiven. What gives you the r-right to refuse? Who are you to not forgive yourself when Jesus has forgiven you for e-everything??”

Mikey held down a pained yelp as Leo’s embrace squeezed even tighter around his arms and plastron. Drips of the eldest’s long-restrained tears unleashed into thin, remorseful threads flowing down Mikey’s neck.

“God can see everything, right?... S-so.. He saw that you couldn’t have stopped Don and Raph’s capture from happening. He knows it wasn’t your fault.”

Mikey wasn’t positive, but Leo’s grip felt as though it would soon draw blood.

“You n-need to trust Him with that.

 You need to t-trust Him with us.”

Mikey looked up from where he laid, wrapped tightly in his brother’s grasp. His tearful gaze rose to the wooden picture frame hanging on the wall. 

Thank You for pulling us all through. Thank You for bringing us home.

Thank You for giving us all a second chance.

“...T-trust Him, Leo.”

That's it for this chapter! :) This was both a treat and a pain to write- mostly because of how I wanted Leo to react to Mikey's words.

Something you should know about each of the characters in my story- all of the turtle's main weaknesses are mine as well: Leo's pressuring himself, Raph's guilt and anger, Don's responsibility and need to be useful, Lotus' weariness to trust, and Mikey's fear and worry for his family. These are all things that I'm sure a lot of other people deal with as well. And these kinds of weaknesses can dig DEEP. They can be so very harmful.

That's why I wanted this chapter to bring to light how we combat our guilt, anger, worry, and fear. We bring it to the foot of the cross. We bring it to God, and give it to Him. We study His Word, and meditate on the truths to combat the lies of our heart. We need to trust Him. We need to trust Him with all of us. Our good, our bad, our past, present, and future. Nothing is out of reach of His forgiveness.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make straight your paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

I pray this chapter touches hearts. I pray it leads others to the light of the cross. I pray it lets them see that they're not alone.

To God be the glory.

~ Melissa

MASTERPOST <- PRIOR CHAPTER NEXT CHAPTER ->

[flbrokensoldier]

Hey! As a thank you for 11 followers and a bunch of likes, heres a little headcannon list for both Cassidy and Carlos (I will do one for Leon and whoever you guys want form my list that's here)

Carlos General Headcannons <3

Alright to start this off, this man can go from full coherent english to straight up pissed Portuguese ranting.

Its cute when he does it but dang, the first time you heard it, it was a bit intimidating.

However, after you decide to take some Portuguese lessons to better understand him, it all starts making sense.

It's adorable because he'll also flirt in Portuguese, calling you all sorts of sweet nicknames like handsome/beautiful, or other little nicknames.

At first when you both met, he didn't explain what he was saying so later after learning some of his native language, it started to make all the sense in the world.

When you call him "bonito" for the first time, he's super shocked and he gets all flustered because he knows you understand what he's saying.

He's also a massive flirt, when he first meets you and when you make it official, still the biggest flirt you've probably ever know.

Another thing, this man only really seems to swear in Portuguese when he's genuinely pissed off, so you'll know when it's a bad day at whatever job he's working.

This man absolutely loves sunsets and sunrises. The colors. The display. All of it he absolutely loves.

This man also loves art in general. Paintings that seem to call out to him are ones of forests, sunsets, animals, and stars.

He cannot paint worth shit but he loves to admire it.

If you two ever have a proposal, he'd definitely do it under the stars at a place that means the most to you both.

He would get a big ring with a big gem, but if you ask for otherwise, he'll make sure it's small yet beautiful <3

His favorite colors are red and blues. (I'd say green if it's a normal universe but if we're talking after Raccoon, it reminds him of his uniform and brings back memories so he's not too fond of owning clothing with green or things green.)

If we're talkin' a normal universe or AU, he's a family man. He'll take you to see his family, tell them thousands of stories about you, and makes sure that his siblings don't terrorize you, especially the two younger ones.

His love language is physical touch (or pebbling - meaning giving little gifts that remind him of you) and he likes to receive love by time.

Now about the pebbling, he'll find some sort of rock that could he a red tint and say it reminds him because of your fiery personality.

At this point you have like three different jars of stuff he brings to you, it's adorable but makes finding space sometimes a difficult thing, but you manage

Now if we're in raccoon city or shit is still south with the zombies, he pebbles by finding things you need.

That being ammunition, bandages, and so on.

He's a sweetheart really, he may not show it but he's fragile inside.

He hears you get hurt, his heart drops and he panics until you make it back, even if it's emotionally. (Mostly after everything in Raccoon, as any person, he'd panic easily.)

He's got a big heart so it's easy to get it hurt with other people, but if he catches onto someone being rude and using him, he kills them with kindness.

Hes got a death stare, it's rare but DAMN.

Makes everyone go silent, especially if someone is being annoying to you and flirting with you to the point of you feeling scared and uncomfortable.

That glare is rare though and he rarely uses it around you <3 (mostly because he doesn't catch himself doing it half the time)

Let's leave it off with a soft one for him

He loves to slow dance with you in the living room, any slow song, he'll dance to and he'll carefully hold your hips with one hand while the other holds your face, peppering you with kisses like mad.

Cassidy General Headcannons <3

First off, this man.. Has no filter.

Hes honest to his core.

If anyone in Overwatch asks for his opinion on something, he's brutally honest.

He hates sugar coating with a passion.

He likes to hold your hips, as long as you're comfortable with it, and sway you back and forth to some country song he'll either sing or him to you.

His love language is words of affirmation and physical touch, he prefers to receive love with acts of service or physical touch.

He is touch starved but he hates showing it, he thinks its one of his weaknesses

give him a hug or kiss please

He loves being close to you during missions, he will protect you fiercely and do almost anything for you.

He loves watching the little things you do, like fixing your shirt because it's being stupid, mostly because of the faces you make.

He loves your little expressions you do

He also loves it when you get excited.

HE WILL AND CAN PICK YOU UP AND CARRY YOU AROUND, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE WOUNDED.

He will insist to do it over anyone else. If someone tried he will be slightly disappointed but he will keep trying to ask to carry you.

His swearing is hilarious, it's a bad habit and goodness he's a sailor more than half the time.

If someone chews him out over something, he will say the most Cassidy thing he can like.. "Sorry to disappoint ya, but I ain't changing for even god darlin'." most likely followed by a wink

He will try not to smoke around you if you request him to, he's very respectful of boundaries and will not push.

If someone pushes your boundaries, he will tell them what for.

His favorite color is reds, silvers and blacks <3

HE LOVES SNUGGLING, he won't actually be physically affectionate in front of strangers but with everyone in overwatch, he will show you off.

His reputation he doesn't want being ruined thinking he's gone soft OR having some bad people get ahold of the information and knowing you were his true weakness.

He can not lose you, if he does, he will spiral into a dark pit of depression, drinking and smoking them damn cigars until he drinks and smokes his way into an early grave.

Now, if he drinks around you, it's little amounts and that's all he drinks in total. He thinks that around you he will try and better himself even if it's slightly, just for you.

This means less drinking, which are first he was annoyed with but he never took it out on you and didn't give up.

In the end, he drinks a healthier amount and he smokes still like crazy but that's addiction for you. He will try and work on that sooner or later though.

HOWEVER, DON'T EXPECT THIS TO HAPPEN OVER NIGHT.

This was very much so a comfort for Cole when he was in Deadlock and Blackwatch.

It still is.

It will take a lot of courage and a lot of personal growth for him to finally stop.

He loves you yes, but this is something that will take him more than what it took to cut back on the drinking.

He loves cats more so than dogs.

Dogs get up in his face and he's usually got a cigar and he doesn't want them getting burned.

He also doesn't like the smell dogs have.

He doesn't mind them though, just least likely to show them affection.

If he ever gets settled down and buys a home, the first thing he's getting is a cat.

A rescue at that.

Hes got a soft spot for kids, he'll show them tricks and he'll spend time with them, he will also try so damn hard to protect their innocence since his was short lived when he was younger.

He grew up too fast and wouldn't want that for other kids.

He doesn't out right show he cares though but when you look away, don't be shocked if you see him with his hat off and on the kids head when you look back.

<3

Again, thank you so much for 11 followers! 💚

[insertdisc5]

The tumblr q&a is over, but I was curious! I love all the different phrases the characters in isat/sasasa:p use--If it's something you can say, where did inspiration for "gems alive" and other phrases come from?

THANK YOU FOR ASKING BECAUSE I GET TO TALK ABOUT WORLDBUILDING AND SWEAR WORDS AND BRANDON SANDERSON

long post ahead

ok so when I was figuring out the world, I found this lecture on worldbuilding by Brandon Sanderson (go watch it, and also go read his books), and (im gonna paraphrase heavily here) one thing he mentioned is that, to make a memorable world, one thing you can do is pick a couple areas of culture, and go real deep with it. So like, pick fashion, and architecture, and interior design, and develop those a bunch, and bam! you convinced people you have a whole dang world, even though you only developed 3 areas of this world. hollow iceberg everyone thinks is a real iceberg.

he also mentioned the idea of like... getting weird with it? and develop based on a weird detail? for example, in his book The Stormlight Archives, one detail is that women have to hide their left hand at all times. ok, so what does that mean, whats taboo about a left hand? is the left hand shameful, or lewd somehow, the same way ankles were for us? what about fashion, what does women's fashion look like? and how do you live your every day life, knowing you can't show this hand, can you carry things the same way? etc

SO, for me, one of the Big Worldbuilding pillars i picked was, uh, swear words lol. or language and common expressions, more generally. i went on a whole journey where i was like... ok swear words in a LOT of languages (including french and english, both languages i speak fluently) are either sexual, or about gross bodily discharges. you know what words i mean!!!!!

and, well, i also didnt want the game to be full of those words, mostly because i think its a tightrope to use those words without seeming cringe, and also because i have a Core Memory of showing a comic to a colleague and she said "well i wouldve liked to show it to my kids, but you said fuck 12 times in there" and i didnt show my face to her for a week. family friendly family friendly family friendly

so what swear words should my characters use, that arent the same ones we use? and could those swear words actually tell us something about the world they live in? could i actually use those swear words... to show the characters come from different cultures???

and what COULD swear words be like, if theyre not about sex or body stuff? well irl they're usually about religions or belief. "oh god", "goddamnit", etc. as a sidenote, stuff like "oh my god" or "geez" arent used, because jesus christ is not canon to the ISAT universe. alright

i decided very early on i wouldnt have those in the game either, but i COULD have them be about the religions specific to this world. and for insults, i could have them be about stuff those beliefs would see as lesser.

anyway instead of talking about "gems alive" lets talk about "crab"

isabeau+mirabelle+bonnie use "crab" as a swear word because they follow a religion all around change, bettering yourself, evolving, and, the crab meme,

for those who dont get the joke, its about carcinisation, and about how a bunch of non-crab-like forms somehow evolved to a crab-like form. which would be horrible, for a religion all based around change!!! you mean we change and evolve, but theres a chance we might all become crabs??? CRAB!!!!!!!

anyway having "crab" kinda reads as 1. swear word 2. thats funny and weird (sets the tone) 3. tells you they know what crabs are (world not that different from ours, AND means they live close-ish to the coast, aka not land locked) and 4. crabs are somehow hated/feared, even if as the player you dont get why, it shows this country has its own culture (even if you dont get the crabs joke, which uuuh apparently doesnt work as well in countries that dont have this specific meme. WHATEVER!!!!)

(a few people came to me saying "heh, i get it, because crab and crap are very similar words" and um actually i did not think about that. crab is just a funny word on its own, and also i am a comedy genius without even trying)

anyway tldr: swear words as a worldbuilding tool. soon in theaters

[misscammiedawn]

You may have discussed it before, but would you mind speaking a little bit on how you discovered you have DID?

I feel like I have a pretty stable core identity but there have been times under intense stress where I’ve experienced sudden “switches” in my personality. During a particularly bad period for a little over a year there was a time where I distinctly felt like a different person and did things I wouldn’t normally do, and I remember the specific moment where I came back into my body and became “me” again. This doesn’t happen often, but it has happened more than once throughout my life. When I see people talk about plurality I feel a little confused because their identities often seem to have their own names and genders and ages and backstories, and it seems so cut-and-dry.

I know these are all things to discuss with my therapist but I love how you talk about your own experiences. How can you differentiate between DID and other kinds of dissociation?

Thank you for asking, anon! I'm glad you are going to talk to your therapist about it while also doing the reading and reaching out-- heaven knows our own journey within the US mental healthcare system was rocky at best. The latest chapter of Madison/Belladonna is heavily sourced from IRL circumstances both in receiving the diagnosis and the decades long journey in the mental healthcare system to get there.

But to answer more directly-- (as always we are answering from a psychopathology lens for care and treatment, we recognize the beauty of plurality and do not reduce ALL experiences to mental healthcare concerns, we are approaching our own situation and experiences this way as it is how we lived it)

Our journey was guided from the outside. Both therapists and our partner who was able to see these "mood swings" in us were able to gently guide us to water despite our fierce denial and rejection of our situation. What started as "we're fine" turned to "mood swings" turned to "BPD" turned to "---maybe we should read up on OSDD?" Turned to our current therapist telling us over a year ago that we had DID after months of testing and interviewing to determine.

I should also note I likely realized it MULTIPLE times in my history and buried it again and again. I legitimately think that people in my former life knew and either assumed I knew too or worse I had told them and forgot that I told them. It worries me because I cannot ever be certain. I once asked my ex-wife about it after the divorce/diagnosis and she did say it was weird how she had a "different husband" depending on environment and social group. She said she never noticed it during the interactions, but she would always think back and feel that the "me" in any given moment was different from the ones she observed in social/work situations etc.

So like--- even if people notice, sometimes they don't even realize what they're seeing. Honestly I go full No Mask at work even when a male part fronts and no one really bats an eye. I don't think *most* people are as observant as we worry they are.

ANYWAY! Looking back these are the signs that I ignored:

- I not just wrote a consistent journal through every phase of my life (even going as far as to have a "memory list" that I populated "when I felt like it" (<- IE: when a part that associated with the memory was fronting and wanted to type about it) and more importantly I READ it. Often. I sometimes think that the majority of our memories are just imagined versions of what we wrote. That notion is helped by the fact we [used to] stop journaling during times of crisis or delete journal/chat log to prevent us thinking about distressing things.

- I wrote a lot of plural characters in my stories since my teenage years. Kinda like I kept writing female versions of myself? Funny how the Trans and DID acceptance arcs are so dang similar.

- I would emotionally cave in on myself after gatherings, berating myself for how I had acted all evening. Getting deeply upset at how "out of control" I was. We outright AVOID mood altering substances like alcohol or weed.

- When talking about traumatic memories we typically just tell the story rote. It doesn't bother us. We told therapists without batting an eyelid. This is dissociation. We were disconnecting ourselves from our memories. Emotionally distancing ourselves from the experiences.

- In the same vein, when we remember things we imagine things in locations like a 3rd person camera. Not populated. We don't hear or feel or associate. It's just a place and a knowledge. Our whole "context packet" thing where we just understand something without *feeling* it.

- Deleted emails and chatlogs, references to things we don't remember. Discord messages with people we don't remember talking to. It bothers me how many people in our online communities we were actually close to at some stage of our life and then erased. This is specific to us but Dawn has opened many accounts in the hypnokink community and Camden has shut them down and this has happened so many times that we don't even get upset when we find a buried email from 2013 with sign-up to a Yahoo Email account we don't remember having. That sounds dramatic. It's more just. Go into your emails, pull stuff up from 5-10 years ago and just scroll a while. See how much you remember and associate into. It's NORMAL to forget what websites you were browsing a decade ago. It's not normal to have an entire *LIFE* you hid from yourself.

- Sometimes people just... saw/knew us before we did and there were times when they would describe a version of us they weren't supposed to see and we got complete dysphoria over it. Sometimes it as joyful. Someone we love saw Cammie well enough to say when we transitioned that they wanted to see that "windswept girl with the big smile" all of the time. Sometimes it's mortifying, like when someone approaches Camden as if she is Dawn and Camden REJECTED that side of us so heavily that it caused emotional meltdowns and turmoil because Camden didn't WANT to be a sexy confident domme, she could barely see herself as a woman, when people saw the wrong version of us *without permission* it was just a violation that made things WORSE.

- On that note-- meltdowns-- we mentioned the whole "after a social gathering we'd emotionally cave in on ourselves" thing, there was a lot of that. After work we'd get a complete drop from having to be in Manager Mode all day or we'd have a crisis after erotic intimacy encounters because we're sex repulsed ace. The fact is our nervous system was activated during those times, our survival instincts were kicked in and brought the part associated to the surface to DEAL and when they backed off our body was still reacting to the trauma trigger and it would cause us to implode.

All of these things in therapy brought us to the conclusion of BPD. Because therapists be like that at times. A *TRAUMA* therapist gave us some DES-II, MID and ACE tests and worked out what was going on within 3 months.

It took a further 6-9 months with constant support from loved ones who were able to see us as individuals to *ACCEPT* it. This is a denial disorder, it doesn't want to be found. Asking questions, being honest and being accepting is the best way to come to terms with it. I wish it were easier and I wish you luck and support in your journey. Our inbox is always open!

You're not alone <3

[sageandred]

The way Shameless fans have always argued in favor of their faves and against their least favorite characters to be worse than them is so funny. You can't judge Shameless characters too hard on a moral basis. You just can't. The show is called: Shameless.

°

Mandy- tried to s.a. multiple times, but grew up with learned behavior around an abusive dad who s.a.'d her himself (she walks around with no pants for god's sake; that's sad because she doesn't even realize it's not normal); oh and almost forgot - ran over Karen, but had history of repressed anger problems, learned fight not flight retaliation responses, and jealousy after repeatedly being treated bad (and not just by Karen)

Fiona- made 10000+ mistakes, including almost killing her brother, but never had a childhood and was forced into parenting while never learning how to parent in the first place

Lip- #1 screw up for his own life (I guess it's his life, you can't blame him), because he hates himself and is self destructive also due to his upbringing; was angry and rude more times than I can count to Fiona, but he is angry due to his exact same feelings towards his (non) childhood

Ian- what did Ian even do...? cheat on anyone but Mickey? (edit: dang he did that too - but it doesn't count) ...be too serious for seasons 6-9?? (< jk, i love him; that's taken from real critiques.) be transphobic? (I hate, but it's valid he's uneducated - my memory is bad i don't even think he was transphobic just clueless on some things)

Carl- be the worst runner when trying to escape cops? a messed up child taxidermist?

Debbie- We can hate Debbie, jk! I do wish her storyline unfolded better, because it totally makes sense the need to grow up too fast and try to emulate Fiona (that's all I'll give her 'cause I understand, but I'm not trying to write an essay on my complicated feelings on how they could've portrayed Debbie's character arc better)

Recognize their shameless flaws. And have your faves, I agree. But to compare them and be on your moral high ground about why fans should recognize more individual actions as bad is void at the start of the argument.

Because Monica VS Frank - They both suck as much as I can recognize they both are sad, vulnerable, childlike lost causes at the core. But people always argue Monica is worse. Why, because she left? Honestly, good she spared them as opposed to mooched off and sat around doing nothing. Frank is funny (which I think is the only reason people like him more), but they're both the same level of shitty parents. WHICH IS THE POINT...to understand the kid/y.a. characters' bad trauma responses

°

"I think we as a society, should acknowledge how [blank] shouldn't be praised." That's like saying: "the Joker is villianous, guys did you know??" like why am I getting recommended arguments for why certain characters suck more?! In the year 2024, for god's sake?!?

Terry Milkovich, tho, is GOD AWFUL; hate on him all you want. x

[profound-jade]

Supreme Support Reader

Cottage Core, Supreme Support Reader,  basically I was feeling really bad about something in bed, like a lot then I remembered something that made me realise what I was agonising over for the last 20 minutes didn’t happen. The feeling of absolute relief I felt was incredible and as I relaxed in bed I thought about the reader having the divine power of making anyone happy, satisfied, and whatever good emotion they could want.

Like, maybe Xiao is feeling hurt today way more than usual only for him to bump into you accidentally while you're picking berries in the outskirts of Liyue for making jam and a feeling of happiness just flows into him when he is with you. Maybe, well definitely, he would be unable to control himself and goes up to hug you and this sense of unyielding happiness and relief just overwhelms him. It was like every last one of his cells were dying of thirst and hunger for months and a banquet of food and drinks were brought to them.

While Xiao is in sheer bliss, you are just a bit stunned about what happened before turning around and seeing that it’s Xiao, which calms you down. Still a bit confused, but seeing how happy he is and knowing his backstory you decide to just stay there for a bit.

Not just people in constant pain like Xiao react this way, ordinary people that are generally happy and satisfied with their daily lives are not that much better. It’s like something they can’t describe awakened within. It’s like something that was written inside their genes but was never activated. After being with you and having all their negative emotions solved, ones they had subconsciously and they consciously didn’t even know, before then being ubercharged with positive and happy emotions, they cannot go back to how things were before without you.

Ningguang had met you after you opened up a small stall in which you sold products that you made from various homegrown ingredients or stuff you got from foraging. The products were simple like jam from berries, homemade baking products like cookies and cakes, and other things like that. They were simple yet they filled something within the customers. It was like they had an itch they didn’t even know about being scratched as they ate your produce. 

Ningguang had been curious so she went and bought some sweets you made without much expectation as she had already tasted all the finest cuisine in all of-holy fuck how are these so good?! She tried to buy out all the remaining stocks after that which yous topped as its not fair to the other customers. 

Ningguang rather forcefully befriended you after that and you two started hanging out, doing and playing all sorts of simple things for hours on end like reading comic books, playing kids games, things that she would never have done by herself or anyone. The Tianquan’s time is measured in solid gold, something she carefully built a market for, could earn millions of Mora in just an hour or even. And yet, she now feels all the time she had spent earning those same mountains upon mountains of mora not even worth mentioning as she sat by a large tree, you in her arms reading a short story as the cool breeze flew by.

As the sun set and you returned home, so did Ningguang. Her thoughts raced as she thought about all the things you and her were going to do later on tomorrow despite knowing dang well she can’t possibly fit all those activities within even a month of time, much less a day. Ningguang met her frantic assistants at the Harbour, complaining to her about all the things they had to take care because of her absence, but Ningguang could only smile fondly of her memories today. 

She made her way up to the Jade Chamber, and as she had walked into her bedroom, she could only stare at her queen sized bed with an empty look in her eyes. She had prioritised Mora and the Jade Chamber above all else for her entire life but now she suddenly feels the lavish and large abode she lived in was empty and shallow. 

Ningguang clutched the part where her heart was under, treating her fine silken garments with force she never would’ve dreamed of before. Ah, this feeling has returned once again. It had been bearable, she suppose. This feeling had sprouted and quickly grew the moment she had met you. It was a feeling she was quite familiar with, something that was imprinted onto her since childhood.

Greed. This intense feeling grew by the moment and with each day, Ningguang’s fantasies of taking you for herself grew more from a shameful thought to a full out plan. Construction and ordering of all kinds of things for turning her private chambers into the two of you’s home was sent out.

Had that not happened first, it probably won’t happen for a while as whoever first finds you gets you. 

Maybe when Beidou returned to the harbour to celebrate for newest accomplishment, she saw a single glance at you before being completely stunned in place. Her pupils widened and she made her mind up on the spot to have you for herself.

Childe brushes hands with you on the streets before shamelessly going and straight up grabs yours before flirting.

What if you were in another nation, say Inazuma? Ei would go from meditating and thinking about how eternity and all that is great before instantly changing her mind after meeting you for like 5 minutes and forcefully marrying you and making you live in the palace, the puppet Shogun completely agreeing with her decision. No 200 year long duel needed.

Or, if things get really spicy, all of this and more somehow happens. Maybe you were a small merchant living in nature and just around selling things you made, seducing and charming anyone you made semi-contact with. Because of that, powerful people and characters that could influence the world were just silently stepping on each other's shoes under the table and they begrudgingly shared a picnic table with you outside, them not wanting to scare you being the only reason they haven’t pulled out their weapons and activated their visions yet.

[twig-tea]

Under the Oak Tree: How Do I Talk About This Show?

The Vietnamese musical BL Under the Oak Tree ended today (after a delay from last week for political reasons that affected all Vietnamese shows).

The music in this show is great. Full disclosure I am coming at it from a place of liking Vietnamese OSTs and Musicals, so I was definitely primed to enjoy it. But they do a great job underscoring the big moments with appropriate music, including very fun villain songs. You can get a taste of the music style in this teaser:

The story is...a rollercoaster lol This show has a lot going on. We go from cute high school romance to gang threats to parental trauma to forced outings and life-ruining betrayals to a timeskip and a twist and an ending that could be read as either very dark or a happy ending, depending on your preference.

My biggest critique is that the romantic relationship is not actually the core of the story; it's actually the protagonist and his friend who betrays him that are the core of the plot, especially in the last few episodes. That relationship gets worked on, but the core romance is just kind of treated as an afterthought.

That being said, there is a lot I loved about this too. There's a Lord of the Rings fantasy sequence that is fantastic, and there's a really interesting exploration of revenge and how satisfying it is (or isn't) that I found fun to watch play out. I also really loved that these were gay characters from jump (neither Dang nor Khanh really wrestled with their attraction to the other), and these actors can kiss.

Also just to say Vuong Huy did a great job, but it was sooooo nice to see some of the familiar faces again, especially in episodes 8-10! I love Duc Duy, Duy Lam, Gia Huy, and KaiBie, who have all been in several Vietnamese BLs before (Duy Lam and Gia Huy have costarred before in shows like Beef, Cupcakes, and Him, Duc Duy has played opposite Ba Vinh in The Most Peaceful Place, and KaiBie has been around since Hey! First Love, just to name a few highlights from their CVs).

If this sounds intriguing to you, Under the Oak Tree is 10 episodes, 30-40 mins each, on YouTube.

Discussion of my thoughts on the ending after the cut!

Ok, so MAJOR spoilers ahead.

Under the Oak Tree takes place mostly in 2011, but then there's a 15 year timeskip in episode 8. We find out over the course of episodes 8-10 that in 2011, after Linh betrays Khanh by lying that she saw him steal money from the band, Khanh's mother dies from shock at hearing him confess to the crime (in order to prevent Dang from being punished for defending him even in the face of Linh's eyewitness evidence). Khanh leaves Dang and the small town of Da Lat for the big city, remaking himself and his life. He runs into Linh, who has since married Dang, and pretends to befriend her and let bygones be bygones so that he can infiltrate her company and set her up to be ruined. As the final piece de resistance for his betrayal, he kisses Dang, and Linh falls down the stairs in shock and ends up in a coma.

This is the part where I think opinions will differ. Linh ends up in a kind of limbo, in which she has to either agree to go to hell and be tortured, or sit and watch her own memories over and over, unable to change them. She spends a lot of time unwilling to admit that she did anything wrong, but sitting and watching herself over and over seems to get to her and she comes to terms with the fact that she's caused terrible pain.

Khanh goes to see her in her coma, and yells at her that this is too easy, she needs to live so that she can be tortured knowing what she's done. We then get a sequence from Linh's perspective in which Khanh visits her in limbo and they reconcile and go back in time together to fix the past.

This is the part that could be read as dark if you're me lol. On it's surface, the show essentially wrote fix-it fic for itself; Linh never betrays Khanh, so his mother doesn't die, he doesn't move away, and he never leaves Dang. We leave Dang and Khanh happy and together and on the road to becoming musicians to fulfill their dreams as a team, with Linh owning a coffee shop seeming pretty content. But at the end Linh asks whether this is all real, or all in her mind, and Khanh replies that maybe her memories of the other future are what are all in her mind. It's left a little ambiguous.

That being said, the show also was careful to say that we cannot actually go back and fix the past. So the read that this happy ending is all in Linh's head while she's in a coma is a dark but realistic one.

I also need to talk about Dang and Khanh. In the present/future, Dang and Khanh are arguably not actually in love anymore; they're both too resentful of everything that's come before. This is the part that feels unreconciled to me; while Khanh and Linh got to work through their issues, Dang and Khanh never get to have that conversation, because in the revised past, Dang doesn't share the memories of the future that Khanh and Linh have, so he doesn't know who he hand Khanh became in this other timeline. He says explicitly that he believes no matter what, they'll always love each other and never leave one another; but we know that's not quite true. The smile that Khanh gives him after that speech seems a little sad to me.

I would have loved a little more time for Khanh and Dang to reconcile; for Dang to more fully own his part in not supporting Khanh in the face of his friends ruining Khanh's life, and in marrying Linh even after her betrayal, instead of going to find Kanh or at the least staying true to himself. And I would have loved Khanh to own up to giving up on Dang when things were difficult (to be fair to him, things were extremely difficult--this is another instance of a poor character in love with a rich character whose life gets ruined because of that relationship, while the rich character's life stays essentially the same), and making his life about revenge at any cost to anyone, including Dang, rather than just living for his own future happiness. With all of that hanging over them, it's hard to believe in their forever, even if the new timeline is real and not a coma dream.

Anyway! I really did have a lot of fun watching the show and the wild swings of emotional turns; I also feel like I understated how much I really love these songs. This show won't be for everyone, it's hard to recommend as a blanket statement, but to save you scrolling back up: if this sounds intriguing to you, it's 10 episodes, 30-40 mins each, on YouTube!

[demigoddessqueens]

Request for Haytham's birthday: Imagine surprising him with a picnic dinner for his birthday and giving him a little present. Something small, like a glass pendant with a preserved petal from the first flower he gave you or something like that

omg this is so dang cute!!! 🥲💕💔💞😭💗🥹

He would absolutely be touched by this!! Because the most things that are “permanent” to him are bad memories yet here’s one you’ve created for him that will forever remain a core memory and he always finds his eyes and hands wandering to it whenever it’s on his desk!

It is noted that the flower matches his eyes too.

Plus the picnic is much appreciated too because he can get away from all his busy demands and gets to unwind in such a relaxing and peaceful atmosphere with you.

And you’re kisses!! Even more gentle and sensual than the last

[withgreatpowercomesmyfuckingdick]

i am just here to talk not very a ask because if i can't say it, i will probably destroy someone house.

i have been thinking what was going on in cloud's head before tifa went in and put him back together ?

Like i think that we all could see how cloud talk about the nibelhiem accident. Even if he was just putting himself in place of zack that is to much. it dosn't fell like the zack from crisis core you know ?

i think that cloud brain creat memories by taking a vag felling of how the things went and use the emotion accociate with it, then fell it what is left of it with the " first class soldier, friend with sephiroth like you know zack ". wich give that hell of a fanfiction. cloud was next to his idol, so he must have quite the happy emotion, and sephiroth acted that way because in the logic of " cloud being zack" it wouldn't make any sense for sephiroth to not act on it even it may have been a little bit exagere by the feeling of that time.

and then there is that wierd felling that it dosn't stick with the rest of any implied memories. you know. i don't know how to explain it, maybe it's final fantasy 7 ( 1997) that is influenced me here. please tell me that i am not the only one who can see a 180° change in atmosphere when it's about that memory ( i know that they did it this way for the lovely fan we are but dang it's destroying my view of cloud. seeing cloud with emotion on his face has actually wierd me out, his the one wtih the stoïque one, you know ? )

plus has anyone ever ask what cloud remember in between the memory of tifa and being a first ?

and why does cloud shoose zack or not tifa or hell sephiroth himself ? plus he seem to remember zack before that little discour of his. what if when zack said to cloud that he would be his legacy, cloud broken mind took it literaly and for the event to have sense ,zack as a person had to go. it's why ex-first claas cloud do not have zack personality :"]

it's probably extremely wrong, i am still stuck with ff7 ( 1997 ) and can't get myself aroud the remake . like at all. stone face cloud, stays my favorite boy .

ooooooh this is a very interesting ask/ramble this might take me a sec to break down.

edit: this was in my drafts for a few days and ended up very lengthy, but I promise I didn’t forget you LOL. I’m going to give a header for each question for ease of reading. Thanks for the ask, and read more should you be interested in the rambles you set off for me 😂

What was going on in Cloud’s head before Tifa helped put him back together?/What’s with the tone change in his memories of Sane!Sephiroth?

The mind is very fascinating. The closest real life experience i’ve been able to relate to Cloud’s situation is friends I’ve had with dissociative identity disorder (DID). the mind on its own is very much capable of twisting events and compartmentalizing them between personalities. Cloud’s case is an extreme case in that 1) there’s a fucking alien involved and 2) the effects were basically amnesiac. He literally couldn’t retrieve the memories by himself because of how well his brain did in compartmentalizing his trauma, which is fucked up, since all it really did was leave him with the effects of his trauma without knowing the cause. So. Yeah lol.

I get what you’re saying with the memory thing and the gap though. The change in atmosphere IS stark.

I think the big thing to remember here is that Cloud’s brain isn’t just casting itself as Zack. He is Zack’s legacy, what Cloud interprets as being what Zack represents. Seeing as Cloud sees Zack through some rose-colored glasses for sure, there’s plenty of room for error. And who of us doesn’t look at our friends and think, “Everyone should love you like I love you”? Like you said, part of it could certainly be Cloud’s personal of bias of “how the fuck could someone not like Zack?” and it skews the memory.

However, I have a theory I personally prefer: The addition of Jenova cells in the equation. The lines between minds affected by Jenova cells is evidently thin, there’s no reason why it wouldn’t be even thinner between Zack and Cloud considering their trust in each other and everything they’ve been through. Couple that with Zack constantly telling Cloud past stories and you have falsely constructed memories all over Cloud’s brain. Maybe Cloud heard those stories and the ‘memories’ we see are his brain taking creative liberty. Like you said, taking what he knows and just filling things in based on how he assumes they would act. Maybe those are actually Zack’s memories, somewhat transferred due to their joint prolonged exposure to J-cells and each other, glorified a bit thanks to Zack trying to filter the stories for his paralyzed friend. We probably won’t get the full scope until Rebirth, but I’m pretty sure we’ll find out.

What does Cloud remember in between the memory of Tifa and being a First?

I’d say very little if any at all. There’s evidence in Rebirth that he hadn’t even remembered their promise on the water tower, a very important motive behind his wanting to become a SOLDIER in the first place, until she’d mentioned it. In fact, I’d say his memory of her is pretty much gone, and looking at it from the “I’m Zack” standpoint it makes sense.

Everything in Nibelheim is attached to a very heavy feeling of shame for Cloud. He wouldn’t even take his helmet off going back because he was so ashamed about talking shit he couldn’t back up. Tifa is the main person he feels he let down by not getting into SOLDIER. Reread that: Tifa is the main person he feels he let down by not getting into SOLDIER. The very existence of her memory is a threat to his alternate personality as a First SOLDIER. That shame and his fabrication can’t coexist, so it makes sense to me that Cloud’s brain pretty much eliminated Tifa before he sees her again.

There’s also evidence he doesn’t remember his time at Shinra at all aside from his ‘Zack’ memories. I don’t remember if it was in the OG, but the Remake makes it very pointed when Cloud runs into a soldier that recognizes him and he has no idea who they are. So this alternate personality thing pretty much erased his life aside from very basic knowledge, from my understanding.

(Which is why playing with his character is so fun for me because, technically, for all of FF7, Cloud is OOC. Crisis Core Cloud is the more accurate rendition of him. Smacking them together into one guy is the closest to Cloud’s true post-trauma personality we get. But that’s a rant for another day.)

Why did Cloud choose Zack and not Tifa/Sephiroth/someone else?

First off I’d like to say, and I think people forget this: Cloud thought he was the only survivor of Nibelheim for years. Cloud thought he was the only survivor of a genocide. That shit is heavy. And who was there after all of it plus all the bullshit with Hojo? Zack.

Sephiroth was his hero, but he turned to a villain. Tifa was his goal, but as far as he knows, she’s too dead to care what he does now. But Zack was Cloud’s friend, and that never changed. Zack was everything he had left.

And here’s another thought: I said earlier that Jenova cells in the both of them probably excaberated Cloud’s mental break. Cloud’s brain probably didn’t consciously decide “Oh, I’ll be Zack now.” What it did was replace his trauma with the safest option. If the majority of his trauma and grief is tied to Zack then, boom, we take Zack out of the picture. It was probably even convenient, since his memories of being paralyzed and experimented on are also inextricably tied to Zack. So naturally, they have to pack it up too. Zack is the one that got wiped out of Cloud’s memory because losing him is apparently where Cloud’s brain drew the line for trauma capacity. Even though Cloud went through a shitton with Sephiroth and Hojo, it was ultimately Zack’s death that pushed him over the edge. Out of everything that happened, Zack dying is what his brain decided Cloud couldn’t handle. Zack’s request for Cloud to be his legacy, as sweet as it is, probably didn’t help.

(Clawing at my hair because Zack, you could’ve said literally anything else. I know it’s symbolic in his approval of Cloud and his trust in his friend etc etc but couldn’t you have said something with LESS emotional and psychological damage? Goddamnit, Zack.)

Naturally, logical vacancies are left. Who’s the First SOLDIER that helps Nibelheim? Hm, must be Cloud. But if he helped Nibelheim, then who discovered Sephiroth in the Manor? Must be Cloud. If he talked to Sephiroth in the Manor, then he must’ve known Sephiroth, and how does one know Sephiroth? You should be a First SOLDIER. In Cloud’s head it comes full circle because there’s a SUBSTANTIAL gap that used to be filled with Zack. We could say that either 1) J-cells made his memory fucky and having some of Zack’s memories in his head accelerated his faulty logic or 2) the memories we ‘see’ aren’t even real and are just wallpapers Cloud’s brain hung over the holes in his memory.

Enjoyed breaking this down, but overall you’re very correct! And I mean, it’s fair to favor the original over the Remake! I think we all subconsciously default to the 1997 canon, because I certainly do. I’m literally using the 1997 canon and just nabbing little details from the Remake because I like the world building and the NPCs and the new visuals we have for battle and magic and what not. Thank you so so much for this ask and I’m sorry if my text wall was a little much in reply 😂

[sparkles-rule-4eva]

what are some of your fave Sonic games? ✨

Well, I'm actually not much of a gamer, (and also don't own a console 🥲) though I've played like halfway through Sonic Unleashed and partway through Sonic CD. (I've been stuck at a daytime level in Holoska for over a year 🥲) I did play all the way through Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog, though. BUT. If you're talking story-wise, I can answer a lot more easily! These answers will be based on the story, not the gameplay. 😁

Sonic Frontiers is definitely one of my top favorites. It legit made me CRY. 😭 I felt each and every one of the characters, and they felt so so ALIVE. Sonic's different dynamics with each of his friends stuck out to me, especially with Tails. 🥹 Not to mention Sage's introduction and her entire arc. 😭❤️ Frontiers came out shortly after I joined the fandom, so it's extra special to me. It was a lovely introduction to the core of the game versions of these characters. 🤩

I also love Sonic Unleashed! Sure, it may be hard for me to play lol, but the story is so dang good. I love how it explored who Sonic is, as a person, once stripped of his signature speed. And he didn't disappoint. 💙 He's still so caring, so selfless, as he decides to start looking after some random little guy who'd lost his memories. Right after getting electrocuted, infused with dark energy, and shot out through space to smash into the planet, no less. He always wants to help, and in this case it just so happened that his general kindness and selflessness got him a friendship with a deity. 😂💙

I love the classic story of Sonic Adventure 1 & 2! Shadow as a character is SOOOOO amazing, and I always love to see him. I love certain elements of Sonic 06, such as Team Dark's dynamic and portrayal, and Silver and Blaze's close relationship. 🤍💜 I love Sonic & the Secret Rings, with Sonic's kindness (and snarkiness, and silliness) on full display in his friendship with Shahra. I love Sonic & the Black Knight for its AU feel and spectacular medieval setting and beautiful writing. I love elements of Sonic Colors, especially Sonic and Tails's bond. I love the Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog for its slice of life feel, everyday life characterization, and dynamics. I love Sonic Dream Team for it's beautiful animation, fascinating and entertaining story, and the introduction of Ariem. 💙

I just love the vast majority of the content there is. 😅 I got a little carried away, didn't I? 🤣

Thank you for the ask! 💙

[mrshappygilmore]

🎂🫶🏼Happy one year of The Eras Tour!

@taylorswift @taylornation

Never in my wildest dreams did I think how much this tour would impact my life in such a positive and truly, life changing way. Here are 13 moments and reasons why I love this tour so dang much:

1. The way it provides an escape and is truly cathartic to get a break from reality

2. The greatest cat joke on April 29th

3. Trading friendship bracelets and making new friends

4. Bopping to I Think He Knows in Foxy Foxboro

5. Broken monsoon piano + foolishly thinking we were getting Haunted

6. Strengthening relationships and creating core memories with my daughter + family

7. The chance to re-live and unlock memories through Taylor’s catalog

8. The way I always felt like I could be unapologetically me in those stadiums

9. Blue outfits in LA

10. New Year’s Day surprise song

11. Getting my first tattoo (hold on) with my SIL

12. Putting together fun outfits and painting my nails

13. Our first international family trip (London, night 2)

[lomappreciationblog]

Can't Look Back: Quest Discussion (Part 1)

So like I mentioned in my last post, I'll be talking about this quest! Geez, it's been a while since I did one of these, but this IS a really good story.

It's one of those stories that isn't connected to a bigger narrative - it's a one-shot story, in the book that is LOM. Reflecting on this quest, now, I though, I realize it shares a lot of themes with the Star-Crossed Lovers Arc, and is sort of a miniaturization of its story. I'll discuss this point some more later.

"Can't Look Back" is pretty memorable for tackling a pretty heavy story and for giving Mephianse a very human story. Most people probably play "Reach for the Stars" before this quest, and so have the impression of Mephianse as this theatrically evil mastermind who sought a way to bring down the stars in a fairly comedic quest that's basically a huge prank.

But this quest is very different, and while it does feature some students, the focus of the story is Mephianse and his brother, Nakratos.

From the very start of the story you're already a lot of information even with a few lines of dialogue, namely that Faeries are involved, Nakratos's wife is dead, and whatever he did was related to his response to her death.

It's quite fitting that the bg theme for Fieg Snowfields is titled "Evanescent Memories" with this quest in mind.

Mephianse does stop his dramatic monologuing to acknowledge the player and he speaks with a rather teacherly concern, addressing the player as a young traveler and warning them of the "ice witch" - whom we of course meet later on, as the character Crystalle.

The choice of words sounds a bit harsh, and considering that Mephianse teaches alongside Kathinja and Thesenis (who the Characters Tome calls an actual witch of reincarnation), it's a little clue to tip off the player that Mephianse might have strong personal feelings regarding this situation.

Being nosey main characters, we go after Mephianse, of course.

The next story beats takes place at Mephianse's camp with his students. It is really sweet that the students, in their own way, are trying to encourage Mephianse to not give up on trying to find Nakratos again. I assume the students came along because they were curious in the Faerie treasure, but they do sound close and respectful of their teacher, too.

Meanwhile, the MC: casually boogies on down to the Underworld whenever one feels like it lol.

And you can meet ACTUAL dead NPCs that way too. We really are the Mana Goddess's most special boy/girl lol.

Jokes aside, at the core of it this quest is a discussion of grief and responses to it. Nakratos lost his wife, and his response was not to move on, but to either meet her or bring her back to life - but in doing this, he himself was lost, and this quest is untangling Mephianse's grief to it and making the teacher see the truth.

This is a really cute interaction though, and shows that Mephianse does really care for his students.

You need to talk to them some more to prompt the quest to proceed, which again gives some more information.

Oh, he is scared of them, but probably not for the reasons this student thinks.

At least one student is tired of the field trip.

Oh dang, I just realized, I never brought Bud or Lisa to this quest, I wonder if they too react to the quest.

Mephianse, I know you have strong opinions on Crystalle but telling ALL your students she's an ice witch is kinda mean.

I'm guessing the mentions of an "ice witch" and that she apparently froze Nakratos and turned him into an ice statue is to serve the purpose of making Crystalle sound like a Yuki-Onna, the snow woman yokai from Japanese folklore (and she sort of is, since Nao Ikeda designed her with that in mind, but I think I'll discuss that in a separate character art post). The whole "turning into an ice statue" even sounds similar to the habits of the Pokemon Froslass, who is also based off the Yuki-Onna.

While there are stories about some sort of good fortune happening to someone who treats a Yuki-Onna right, a lot of stories about them portray them as dangerous creatures who freeze people, push victims down snowy valleys, trick them into holding their children only to cause one to die by exposure, etc. etc. As a personification of snow and winter, these stories are meant to warn people of the dangers of the cold and frost, so it's not a surprise a lot of stories involving them have them making victims out of humans.

I wonder if LoM was banking on that cultural association to make a player suspicious of Crystalle and make one think she might be the boss fight even...but as with a lot of stories in LoM, not all things are as they seem, and Mephianse's own issues are clouding what really happened.

That got long, whoops. But I do love a good build up of expectations and then a subversion, all because a character accidentally misunderstands - or willingly misunderstands what happened.

I realize looking at these screenshots that Mephianse initially talks about Nakratos being dead already, but then he suddenly refers to Nakratos having a "whole new life" - again, tipping one off something isn't right here.

And away we go as the nosiest main character in existence! But that'll be for part 2, when we get to see Crystalle in person and start figuring out what REALLY happened.

(apologies for the longest ass posts, there is no way for me to talk about LoM's events without rambling :'))

[extraneousdominomask]

What I did on my summer vacation

As you've no doubt gathered by now, for the last two years I've been playing various old games with my wife. I often used to post about that adventure here, and then I kinda stopped. I feel bad about that, especially when it comes to the two excellent, free indie games I had fully intended to spotlight. So here's a quick rundown!

Celeste, OJONMRAG, Double Cross

Three great indies I got in the same bundle. Celeste needs no introduction, and I've spoken about it before. I don't know if I ever mentioned Oh Jeez Oh No My Rabbits Are Gone!!!, but it's a fun puzzle game with cute visuals and surprisingly catchy music. And speaking of those two things, Double Cross is a hidden gem of a game. We really enjoyed its eclectic cast, and still sometimes quote the zany catgirl in particular. ("All cats are tyrants, Zahra.")

Manic Miners

Lego Rock Raiders was a toy line in the 1990s, which earned its own video game tie-in. I remember it fondly... as did one absolute hero, who remastered the dang thing as a non-profit passion project. Manic Miners is available via Itch for free - because it's a fan game! He had to ask very nicely to do this at all! - and it completely revitalizes what was an engaging but flawed fuzzy memory from my childhood. As well as adding several quality of life improvements to make the game flow better, cut content is restored and entirely new features are added in, such as a character creator. If you want an accessible game that can provide the sweet, sweet satisfaction of collecting every scrap of resources from a initially messy environment, I highly recommend this.

inFamous 2: Festival of Blood

An important thing to know about me is that I hate vampires. I don't like 'em and I don't like looking at 'em, so I usually avoid and and all vampiric media, even if they're getting slaughtered. For that reason, despite loving inFamous 2, I never checked out its DLC side-adventure Festival of Blood... until now. (Making a new purchase on the PS3 digital store was hard, but not impossible. Thanks for complaining every time they try to shut it down, everybody!) It's a short experience, but a lot of fun, thanks to the wise decision to let Zeke narrate the whole bullshit stor- I mean, thrilling tale of true heroism. I found Bloody Mary to be an entertainingly nasty villain, despite my biases.

Psychonauts 2

Psychonauts is one of the video games ever, no question. Expectations were lofty for its much-delayed sequel. If anything, I think I prefer this one! The core (the gameplay, visuals, hilarious writing, and Peter McConnell's consistently excellent music) all remain unchanged, with new mechanics, some quality of life improvements, and an impressive voice cast all added on top. Jack Black and Elijah Wood are both in this game, and they're both great!

Pokémon White

this one kinda sucked ngl

Halo: Combat Evolved

Mostly, I'm showing my wife a game and not the other way around. There was one major franchise that I had almost entirely missed, however - aside from a few free-form skirmishes at parties - that she fondly remembers. This summer, we both experienced the first Halo together, and in short: yeah, I can see why this changed the course of the industry singlehandedly. It still feels great to play, even with my wife assuring me that the sequel is a big improvement from these already solid bones. I frankly don't relish slaughtering the fleeing, crying Grunts, since we as a society have moved on considerably when it comes to the rights of funny little guys. But it feels great to shoot aleins and Cortana is my friend. Exactly as advertised.

Jak II: Renegade

this one definitely sucked, holy shit. I remember this being a good game. I remembered incorrectly.

Shantae (2002)

I've played two of the more recent Shantae games, and I found them charming. But how does the original hold up? Pretty well, honestly! It's far from perfect - the day and night cycle really adds nothing beyond referencing Castlevania - but the music and visuals are truly impressive for the original GameBoy. I'm gonna be thinking about Shantae's cute little 8-bit dances for a while.

Undertale Yellow

Like anyone who listens to a lot of Toby Fox's music over YouTube, I've seen my fair share of dubious OCs and "epic fights" floating at the corner of my vision. With that in mind, I went into UY with managed expectations, despite the positive buzz. Could a fangame really match the unique energy and charm of one of the greatest independent games of our generation?

Uh... yeah! I'm as surprised as anyone else, but everything from the music to the gameplay to the writing was really bang-on. It's not a flawless experience - the El Bailador fight needed reworking, it was WAY harder than other, more impactful fights - but the eight years of passion very much shine through. If you're a fan of UT/DR and need something to tide you over as we all wait for Chapters 3+, I fully recommend this. It's free!!!!

Spyro the Dragon (1998)

Finished this just yesterday! I got the remaster when it came out, but - no offense - nothing beats the blocky low-poly charm of the original. This was my first time replaying it in several years, and for the first time, it felt small. Levels I remember struggling with posed no challenge any more. But I think that only speaks to how many times I replayed this lovely little adventure. Also, did you know that of the, like, four voice actors in this game, one of them is Clancy goddamn Brown? He plays like 30 of these polygonal dragons!

...I would normally try to end a post this long on a more climactic note, but, uh... yeah.