#dean refusing to believe he's wrong

[melrose012]

My favourite Shield moments / segments [7/?]

The Erick Rowan mask debate

[mlmxreader]

Awkward Moments | Dean Winchester x gn!reader

『••✎••』

↳ ❝ Hey can I request dean with the prompt “I leave you two alone for one night, and I come back and you’re acting all weird!” ❞

: ̗̀➛ You and Dean get caught red handed, more or less.

: ̗̀➛ swearing, sex references, raunchy flirting

↳ MINORS DNI

•───────────────★•♛•★──────────────•

You grumbled softly as you stirred, feeling the pillows against your head and the soft blanket around you; you moaned and groaned as your joints clicked and you tried to figure out where you were.

You were clearly in a motel room, although it definitely wasn’t yours; there was an empty bed beside you, clearly not slept in, and you furrowed your brows as you turned over, colliding with a warm and familiar body.

Dean flinched, shaking his head as he put his arms around you and pulled you close, murmuring something about not telling Sam. Fuck.

It all clicked, then; going back with Dean to do ‘research’ and putting on some Warrant for a little bit before one thing lead to another and… now you were waking up in Dean’s bed, naked.

Your eyes widened as you gently slapped his chest, pushing yourself up and glaring down at him with furrowed brows.

“Dean!” You whispered hoarsely. “Dean! Get up! It’s morning!”

Dean only grumbled in response, not seeming to care as he pulled you back down and shook his head. “Don’t worry, nobody’s gonna come here…”

“We’re in a fucking motel room,” you hissed out. “For fuck’s sake, Sam probably already saw because I’m in your fucking bed!”

“‘S fine,” Dean muttered, refusing to open his eyes as he vaguely attempted to wave you away. “‘S only Sammy, we’ll be fine…”

“Dean!” You growled, but when he only muttered and mumbled, you grunted and stormed into the bathroom with your clothes. 

You slammed the door behind you, thankful that you at least had the decency to keep all your clothes in one place for once.

You rolled your eyes, wondering what the fuck was wrong with you to be so attracted to him; you were going to get caught, and then your integrity and everything you had worked for would come crumbling down by everyone thinking you slept yourself into every merit and qualification that you had.

You couldn’t believe Dean would be so fucking obtuse about it. You huffed, shaking your head and trying to quickly get dressed; but then you heard the motel room door open, and you quickly grabbed the towel.

Pressing it against your face, you screamed as loud as you could into the soft fabric. You heard some muffled conversation, and grumbled when you heard your name being mentioned; you took in a harsh breath, licking your lips and slowly leaving the bathroom.

Your heart sank when you saw Sam standing there, holding up one of your boots. He smiled when he looked at you, raising his brows.

“Speak of the Devil,” he hummed.

You slowly moved closer, standing on the opposite side of the room to Dean, which was highly unusual; more often than not, the two of you were always joined at the hip, practically sitting on each other and playfully shoving and hitting each other.

Sam squinted at you for a second before looking between you and Dean with suspicion. “What’s going on? I leave you two alone for one night, and I come back and you’re acting all weird!”

You glared at Dean, who only glared back as he clenched his jaw tightly, silently telling you to keep your mouth shut; you did very much the same, glaring and scowling at him to try and shut him up so that Sam wouldn’t find out the truth.

No one could find out.

Sam frowned, guessing that neither of you would even think of answering as he rolled his eyes and asked what you wanted for food; you told him what you wanted, and when he had it all, he was quick to run out of the room. Quickly, Dean threw your boot at you as he scowled.

“What the fuck?! Leaving your boots lying around?!”

“Oh, you’re one to fucking talk!” You shouted back, tossing the boot aside. “If  I’d’ve stayed in bed with you, I’d’ve been fucking caught in your bed!”

Dean scoffed, shaking his head. “Don’t blame this on me! You were the one who came onto me and-”

“And you came onto me!” You pointed out. “You practically fucking begged me to sleep with you!”

“Oh, as fucking if!” He huffed out, crossing the room and pinning you between his body and the wall, his hands either side of your head. “I really fucking hate you right now.”

You put your hands on his bare chest, breath hitching in your throat as you swallowed thickly. “I really fucking hate you, too.”

“C’mere,” he grumbled, looking down at your lips for a moment.

You didn’t hesitate, closing the distance and kissing him harshly; it didn’t take long before his hands were roaming your body, tugging at random bits of clothing and grunting quietly.

You kissed him back just as eagerly, tugging at his hair as you murmured under your breath, eventually pulling away as you bit down softly at his bottom lip.

“Do not start with me,” Dean warned lowly.

You licked your lips as you smiled. “How much time do you think we have?”

“About an hour,” he whispered, tugging at your sides just below your ribs, the soft flesh warm against his skin as he groaned softly. “You good with that?”

You nodded, which earned you a firm slap to the backside that made you laugh softly. “More than, Winchester - but only if you can keep up.”

He raised his brows, just a little more than amused as he started pulling you back towards the bed with him, trying not to trip over your feet; you laughed along when he pushed you down on the bed, grinning up at him and tracing your hands down his chest for a moment.

“I think I can keep up just fine, your highness,” he teased softly, nibbling at your bottom lip for a moment. “Don’t you?”

You shook your head, giving him a few short and sweet pecks on the lips just to get him going. “I’m not exactly sure you can, Winchester.”

[dwonfilm]

There’s no life after you. | Dean Winchester x Reader (one-shot)

Summary: Dean felt like he had no other option than to push [Y/N] out of his life completely. When he and Sam find a case in her hometown, he’s hit with all of the emotions he’d tried for so long to bury.

Warnings: swearing, mild-angst, mostly sadness and ending with fluff.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Flashbacks are in bold.

Dean and Sam had found a case in Reno, Nevada—a city that had a lot of memories particularly for the older Winchester. Sure they’d worked a dozen or more cases around here over the years but that wasn’t the type of memories that kept playing on his mind. He only wished it was that simple. Sam had opted to take the backseat, needing some extra rest on the drive and Dean usually drove his precious ‘67 impala anyway. Ever since they’d found this case, the eldest Winchester was uneasy. Not because it was anything special, from the details online it seemed like it was just another vamps nest—maybe even just a handful travelling together.

No, what began to plague his mind was something that cut much deeper than that. All he could think about was you.

It had been roughly two years since he’d last seen you. Every other second of the last year and half had been him fighting the urge to reach out, knowing two things for certain. One: you’d be far better off without him holding you down. Two: even if that wasn’t the case, he’d really hurt you the last time you spoke and despite how much he missed you.. you’d likely never speak to him again—but that’s what he’d wanted right? You to move on, you to live a life that wasn’t plagued by the dangers of all things supernatural. Find a good man, a normal man, settle down.. get married and have kids. Not have to worry about tending to someone who had spent his entire life broken. Shaking his head to try and rid himself of these thoughts, it seemed the universe had other plans.

It seemed at some point in the drive his playlist had changed and delved into the ‘divorced dad rock’ side of things—the first few notes of what he recognized as a Daughtry song began to play. Seemingly just as they’d finally crossed the state lines into Nevada, the lyrics began..

“Ten miles from town and I just broke down, spitting out smoke on the side of the road. I’m out here alone, just trying to get home to tell you I was wrong but you already know. Believe me I won’t stop at nothing to see you so I’ve started running.”

Now Dean knew exactly what song this was and it damn sure wasn’t helping with his desperate need to stop thinking about you. He reached out to change the song but when the chorus hit, he stopped and his finger merely hovered above the button.

“All that I’m after is a life full of laughter, as long as I’m laughing with you—and I think that all that still matters is love ever after, after the life we’ve been through. ‘Cause I know there’s no life after you.”

It was as if the song was delivered down by the hand of God himself, which only made the ache in Dean’s heart that much worse. He’d been in pain ever since he left two years prior, but he had no right to be—he knew that. After all, the reason he didn’t have you by his side was because he left. It was because he walked away. Deeply he’d sigh as the next verse again would line up with the exact thought in his head.

“Last time we talked, the night that I walked burns like an iron in the back of my mind. I must have been high, to say you and I, weren’t meant to be and just wasting my time. Oh why did I ever doubt you? You know I would die here without you.”

Death had truly paled in comparison to how he felt seeing the look in your eyes. All of the pain, the hurt as he watched you break in front of his very eyes. You’d been together three years in total, but what you didn’t know—what he refused to tell you is that his worst fear was becoming a reality. Lucifer had threatened you in order to make Dean comply with his demand. He’d figured out the only way to get to the elder Winchester was through you, seeing as Lucifer himself needed Sam for his own personal vendettas. It wasn’t long after this that Dean knew he had to get as far away from you as possible. All the pain and suffering he’d endured in his lifetime would be nothing if your death was due to him. He couldn’t live with that and more importantly, you deserved more than that out of this life.

“All that I’m after is a life full of laughter, as long as I’m laughing with you—and I think that all that still matters is love ever after, after the life we’ve been through. ‘Cause I know there’s no life after you.”

Sam began to stir in the backseat, which he’s caught sight of through the rear view mirror and so Dean quickly changed the station. He’d use Metallica specifically to shift the mood before his brother woke up and started asking too many questions. Questions that Dean wouldn’t have the answers to and he was already battling his mind to keep it all at bay.

Gripping Baby’s wheel tightly in his hands, he’d continue to path to Reno. About fifteen minutes later was when Sam’s eyes actually opened. “Mornin’ sleeping beauty.” Dean said with a (fake) smile on his face. “Ha-ha, very funny. Wait.. how long was I out? Are we in Nevada already?” He asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and noting their desert-like surroundings. “I don’t know, hours Sammy. Yeah we’re in Nevada—about an hour or two ‘til Reno.” Just saying the name of the city was enough to have him nervous again. There was a brief bit of silence between the brothers, Sam had a thought on the tip of his tongue but he didn’t know whether he should say it. Dean’s eyes had fixated on the road ahead and he sensed that his younger brother was gonna bring it up—bring you up, he’d always really liked you. Besides that, he could always seem to tell when things were troubling Dean despite his best efforts to hide it. “You know you could-“ Sam started but knowing it was coming, the elder brother immediately shut it down. “Sam, don’t. Please. I can’t and you know that.” Dean’s voice was shaky and that let him know that he’d already been thinking about things far too long. “You’ve been thinking about it. I know you, man. You think I didn’t see the look on your face when I told you we had something in Reno?” He sighed, knowing that his older brother was struggling with this didn’t make him feel good but he also knew it was making Dean feel worse. “Sammy, please.. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.”

Sam would shake his head but he let it go, rehashing this with Dean while he was attempting to drive wasn’t gonna end well for either of them. Not to mention an hour and a half of odd tension in such a small place wasn’t ideal either. Instead, the younger brother’s eyes averted from the front of the car altogether as he turned to gaze out the window next to him. Sighing partially in relief and partially from the lingering thoughts, Dean would fully place his attention on the road and on the directions to this particular motel. They needed to get in, solve this case and get out before he did something he’d been trying for quite some time not to do.

Surprisingly this case was a little more difficult to follow through on, these vampires were incredibly elusive and their nest wasn’t the easiest to find. However, after a couple days lingering around they finally located the nest and were able to kill the three vamps that had been killing the locals. As it had become part of the job, Sam and Dean went out to a local dive bar to celebrate the victory—but Dean was trying to do more than that. He was trying to drown the lingering thoughts of you with whiskey, swallowing the liquid and letting it gently burn his throat. This would end up having the opposite effect and only made him think of you more. Over the first hour and change the brothers spent at the bar, three separate girls tried to hit on Dean but he didn’t really pay them any mind. Around the two hour mark the elder of the brothers decided he needed some air, getting up and walking outside. Dragging his dominant hand over his face he was doing anything to cling to that last bit of pride that he had. You were better off and he knew that, but every day that had been lost it was eating at him slowly. He needed a distraction and so he walked over to his precious car, getting into the driver’s seat and sighing. One flick of the wrist and the lights would come on, the radio coming in clear as day: it was that goddamn song again.

“You and I, right or wrong, there’s no other one. After this time spent alone it’s hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind, thinking about the better times.. must’ve been out of my mind. So I’m running back to tell you.”

Again it seemed like the universe had intervened and Dean Winchester was far too drunk to fight it. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes and right now, all that he needed was you. He opened up the driver’s side door and got out just to come face to face with Sam, who had been worried when he couldn’t locate his brother in the bar. “What is it Dean?” He asked, noting the emotional state it was clear he was in—confused but not entirely. It wasn’t like him to be so open with his emotions, but you’d helped him with that. “I need to see her, Sammy. I can’t do this anymore.” There was enough emotion in his voice for his younger brother to know what he meant. Nodding Sam would approach the driver’s side door. “I’m driving, we’re not risking it with you.” Dean normally would protest but right now? All he needed to do was get to you. It didn’t matter how, he just needed to fill the void that he’d put there himself.

“All that I’m after is a life full of laughter, without you god knows what I’d do.”

Dean’s eyes were technically gazing out the window, but that’s not what he saw. His mind was flashing different images in rotation—one happy memory with you followed up by something he’d done to chase your memory away after he’d run away.

“All that I’m after is a life full of laughter, as long as I’m laughing with you and I think that all that still matters is love ever after—after the life we’ve been through. I know there’s no life after you.”

It seemed fast, but it had probably been about thirty minutes of time that had passed. Not that you lived very far at all, if you were even still at the last address the Winchesters had for you—Sam took a longer route hoping that Dean would sober up a little more before talking with you. Anyone would be able to smell the whiskey on him at this moment, but his words needed to be coherent if there was any chance of you hearing him out. It seemed that he had sort of the same idea because even when the impala had pulled into the driveway, he just sat there. “What if she doesn’t wanna talk?” Dean asked, somber tone to his voice as his eyes remained fixated on the front door of what he hoped was still your home. Mind racing almost as fast as his heart. “Dean, if I know anything about [Y/N], she’ll at least listen—even if she’s incredibly pissed and still hurt.” Sam reassured his older brother. Dean sighed again, not wanting to waste another second and also wanting to see have some alcohol in his system for this conversation. Slowly he opened the passenger side door and stepped out onto the asphalt driveway. Gently closing the door, it had still alerted a dog inside the home who was barking just a little bit every couple of seconds. He carried himself up the few cement steps, turning to see the front door closer than ever. Now more memories of the last time he was here were coming back.

“Dean, please.. why are you doing this? You can’t possibly just have stopped loving me, that’s not..” Her sobs were breaking his heart but he knew this was something he had to do. “Why are you walking away from this? From us? After everything we’ve been through.. after the life we’ve built from the ground up.. you’re just throwing it all away.” She felt as if there was a fire in your chest, she’d been sobbing so intensely for what seemed like forever. Mascara and eyeliner were smudged and made a mess of the space underneath her eyes. “Say something, Dean—please.. why are you pushing me away? What did I do?!” Every word became far more intense and the actual words were hard to discern from the sobs. Dean had just been staring at the floor since the words left his mouth. Three years next to her and he never imagined this day would come, but if you died just so Lucifer could get one up on him? He’d never survive. He’d never be able to carry the weight of your death or your blood on his hands—so this was the only way you got to live a long and happy life without him putting you in harm’s way. “[Y/N/N] I.. I just don’t think we were meant to work out. I’m sorry, I just-“ he was cut off by her intense sobs hearing him saying it again. “Please Dean.. don’t do this.. whatever I did wrong, whatever’s not working we can fix it. Please..” She pleaded, voice already hoarse from the crying and the wailing. “Sweetheart you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me, I’m just, not made out for this relationship stuff.” He’d barely lifted his gaze again to meet her own, but only for a second. Seeing her like that was too hard for his heart to bare. “Why Dean.. please.. it’s been three years. Three years of this and we can talk about it. Whatever it is we can move past it together, don’t you love me anymore?” She sobbed out, arms wrapped around her own chest as Dean looked up to her face and met her gaze one last time. “Honey, I’ll love you ‘til the day I die.” Sighing he turned to walk out the front door, closing it and never looking back. He couldn’t look—his heart had already shattered.

Now here he was again, roughly two years later, taking the last few steps to fully stand at your front door. Lifting his hand which had formed a loose fist, he’d knock three times upon the wooden material of the door. There was no answer and no sign that anyone was home other than the dog barking that he’d heard moments prior. Dean was about to turn and walk back down the pathway when he heard the doorknob turning after the lock clicked out of position. “Do you know how late it is, what do you nee—“ her eyes widened when she realized who had just knocked at her door. “D-Dean.. what are you..” she felt her bottom lip quivering. Dean could tell this was the last thing she’d ever thought would happen. “Hi, sweetheart. I-“ before he could get another word out of his mouth, he was met with a harsh slap to the side of his face. His eyes fell as he collected his thoughts, waiting before speaking again. “I deserve that. I deserve that and so much more. [Y/N/N] I’m so sorry.. I’m so fucking sorry.” He got out, not being able to look back up at her just yet. “You’ve got some kind of nerve showing up here, this late at night.. Dean you broke my heart and you stomped on it to boot. Why do you think after two whole years that I’d listen to whatever the hell you have to say?” It was obvious that there was sadness and hurt laced within her voice, more so than the anger she’s trying to push forward. Slowly his head tilted back into its usual position and his eyes found hers again. “I know there’s no life after you.” It was all he could say in that second and her expression softened, before she’d built the wall back up. “You came all the way to quote a Daughtry song?”

“No, I’m quoting that damn song because for the three days Sam and I have been in Reno I’ve heard it everywhere. My car, in a store, hell in my head—[Y/N] I’ve been trying every day since I left to push your memory from my mind. I wanted so badly to forget about you and know that you were free to have a normal life. I also know that I’ve got no right to stand on your doorstep telling you how much pain I’ve been in since the second I walked out this door two years ago when this whole fucking thing is my fault.” He paused, tears slowly falling as he tried to blink them away. “[Y/N] I was afraid. I was so afraid.. I couldn’t lose you like that-“ Again he was cut off but just by her words this time. “Dean you did lose me, you pushed me away—fuck you pushed me out of your life altogether. You’re absolutely correct, you don’t have any right to stand here talking about your pain. I didn’t eat, I barely slept, for weeks after you left. All I did was lay on that couch and sob. Endlessly. After I couldn’t physically sob any more I thought, there has to be some kind of monster or witch doing this and so I researched for weeks and still barely ate and slept only a fraction more. All I came up with was dead end after dead end and so I finally had to realize the truth.” She sobbed out, pausing to try and steady her own voice. “You chose to leave on your own.” She’d opened her mouth to continue talking but now it was his turn to sob out, which caught her completely off guard. “He made me feel like I had no other choice..”

Now you stood with a perplexed look on your face as tears were streaming down your cheeks. “What.. who-“ before the question could even fully leave her lips, the man she loved began to speak again. “Lucifer. He needed Sammy, you know all that one true vessel shit, so he couldn’t hurt me that way. He knew any threat he put to Sam wouldn’t stick because deep down I knew that Lucifer needed Sam alive and well to complete whatever sick and twisted plan he had thought out.” She felt both her heart and her stomach drop, figuring out exactly where this was going. “[Y/N] he said he’d kill you and not think twice. I couldn’t.. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you died all because I love you. I wouldn’t be able to breathe knowing that your death was my fault and I’d never get your blood off my hands.” His confidence had wavered, the alcohol mostly wearing off. You sighed, a silence falling over the two of you as you attempted to process what he’d just said. “Dean.. why didn’t you just talk to me? Tell me what he said and we could’ve talked about it.” She asked, the venom gone from her words and a sadness settling over them. “I was scared. I didn’t know how to admit that I was scared especially to you, I’m the one that was supposed to keep you safe. I know that’s not an excuse and I’m not trying to excuse me hurting you like I did—that image of you hugging yourself and crying the hardest I’d ever seen someone cry has haunted me all this time. I never wanna hurt anyone but I damn sure never wanted to hurt you.. at all—let alone like that..”

Again a silence fell between them, it felt like a lifetime between their words and the action she’d finally take. Stepping forward she used both of her hands to cup his face, both having glassy hues due to all the tears. “I forgive you, Dean.” She said almost in a whisper. He felt his heart racing and he eyes searched hers for any sign that this might not be true. Seconds felt like hours but he couldn’t find any sign of deception and instinctively, he plunged forward to connect his lips with her own. It had caught her off guard but she was returning the kiss with an explosion of passion. They chased the other’s lips in a back and forth motion until they both couldn’t breathe. After pushing the limit a little further they’d separate but remain forehead-to-forehead. “I know there’s no life after you.” She spoke in a soft tone before pulling Dean inside of her home and re-locking the door.

[bigfan-fanfic]

Dragon's Wings (Prince!Reader x Knight!Dean Winchester)

Could I request a proper fic for knight!Dean? Maybe the day when his prince finally gets through to Dean and helps him understand what he's feeling.

It had been several days since Sir Dean Winchester of Lawrence had been appointed your personal bodyguard.

And you still aren't talking to him.

With his brother an advisor at court, it only made sense that Dean would have spent time with you - he was nearly always around the king unless on a campaign.

And the first time he saved you from a pack of assassins, you had more than a little bit of a crush on him.

Dean was exciting, funny in a crude way that was a welcome change from the rehearsed witticisms of court, and not bad to look at when he sparred shirtless in the courtyard with the other knights.

And his devotion to your father - to you especially, was thrilling. He wished to keep you safe.

But this devotion came at a cost, it seemed, for Sir Dean could not bring himself to believe he had even a chance at earning what you had already most ardently bestowed upon him.

Your love.

And he refused to believe he did not need to earn your respect and affection through his service.

Like this most recent time, that got him the appointment as your royal bodyguard.

He fought a dragon - on his own, that was said to threaten the kingdom with its presence.

And you had spent a sleepless week fearing his demise - no word, no notice.

So yes, you are a little ticked off at him.

"Did I do something wrong here? You're kinda quiet."

"You could have died, Dean."

"But I didn't."

"How do you think I would feel if you DIED, DEAN?"

Dean pulls you into a hug. "My prince. I didn't die. I barely got injured. I'm alright."

"I don't want you to die."

"I will be around to keep you safe."

You wriggle out of his grip. "I don't care about that! I love you, Dean, I love you! And if you died, I would be heartbroken!"

Dean freezes. "But I... haven't earned it yet."

"You don't earn love, fool!"

Dean looks still a little stunned, but a growing look of understanding dawns on his face. "Well, look at that. I've... always had to earn love. My father when he trained me. Lads and lasses at the tavern would only pay attention after I fought a monster off. The king, by protecting you. But... you're just... giving me your love."

"That's how it SHOULD be." you sigh a little bit. "I don't need you to prove anything to me."

He nods. "That's... I don't think I can ever stop feeling like I need to prove myself to you, my prince. But I can honor you by... by believing you when you tell me things."

"Like 'I love you?'"

"Yes." Dean grins. "My prince, I love you, and... my heart is singing to hear you feel the same."

You throw yourself into his arms, and he lifts you bodily off the floor with his strong arms around your waist, and he crashes his lips against yours.

It isn't a kiss like the fairy tales, not perfect and shining.

But it is real, and true, and full of passion, and it is yours.

He is yours.

[scoobydoodean]

what’s your opinion on “lebanon”? as it actually is in the show and how fans/fic writers interpret/approach it.

cause i’ve been binge-reading “lebanon” fics and i’ve noticed two patterns: sam might argue with john or he stays calm but regardless he preaches to dean about what a terrible father john was, and dean always falls back into his performing and just keeps defending john. now i love all that angst, really i love it so much, these fics are phenomenally written… but i’m just wondering if i’m crazy to think that dean wouldn’t actually fall back into that role to such an extent, and whether the episode actually kinda got it right by having dean feel secure with his family as it is. iirc my issue with the episode is that neither dean nor sam got to express any issues with john in an honest but civil way (and that john is too nice) but that still i liked dean’s expression of security, but tbh it’s been awhile since i last watched it so maybe i’m missing/misremembering smth… thanks!

One of the strangest things I see in fandom is how many people's sense of how Sam views John versus how Dean views John is just flat out wrong. The idea that Dean is always defending John while Sam is always criticizing him the whole show is negated over and over and over in the actual show itself—extremely overtly.

There's two issues here in my mind that lend to this fandom problem.

The fandom accepting Sam and Dean's "John Narratives" at face value in the early episodes of season 1. For example, watching 1.08 "Bugs", where Dean claims to have no resentments toward John and says Sam also was a dick during Sam and John's fight, and going, "Well there we go. Dean has no resentments and refuses to criticize John but Sam will." At this point, we already know from 1.06 "Skin" that Dean does have resentments toward John for not appearing to care about him and for abandoning him, and we get further indications in 1.11, and 1.21 in this season alone. Another example is Sam and Dean's clashes in 1.10 "Asylum" and in 1.11 "Scarecrow", which are largely analyzed by the fandom as moments where Dean is blindly following orders when they have some other, better option Sam is pushing, and Dean is just refusing to go along with Sam's much better ideas because he's too focused on believing their dad knows best... when that is not actually what is happening at all. Sam's alternative plans in the beginning of 1.10 and 1.11 are absolutely stupid. In 1.10, he wants to call the FBI on John to find him. That's his big idea—instead of following the coordinates John just sent them and seeing if he's there. In 1.11, Sam's big bright idea on finding John is to abandon some people to die on a time-sensitive case so he can go search all of Sacramento for John with nothing but an area code. His plans are dumb, plain and simple—and while we do see Dean hiding his own resentments in these episodes too, that does not remain true—which brings me to the other issue here.

Fandom doesn't leave room for the brothers perspectives on John and their outward expressions of those perspectives to shift or mature over the series. This is particularly funny because their perspectives are literally swapping over the course of season 1, and have pretty much fully swapped by 2.02.

Sam's shifting season 1 perspective on John

What actually happens in season 1, is that Sam, who starts out burning with resentment and hurt toward John for disowning him and being a smothering drill sergeant and absent, binge-drinking dad, slowly begins empathizing him because he's now suffered a similar trauma and is having extreme difficulty coping with it himself! Sam's empathy for and understanding of John (and hell—even respect for John handling it as well as Sam thinks he was capable) is already beginning to show in 1.02—where Sam asks Dean "How does Dad do it?" (i.e., deal with the same burning rage and desperation for vengeance that is tearing Sam apart) (gifset). In 1.04, he learns John was bragging about Sam's accomplishments to other people (gifset). In 1.08, when Dean tells Sam that John was never actually disappointed in him—that he was scared Sam would get hurt if he wasn't around (gifset here) a lot of Sam's anger about the Stanford fight fades. He ends the episode saying "Dad did the best he could" (a repeated quote often misattributed as coming more from Dean) and saying he wants to find him to apologize to him for the things he said (gifset). John and Sam share a heartfelt, tearful hug in 1.16—at the end of which Sam begs John not to leave, and in 1.20, John himself apologizes and explains what was going on in his head when they fought, and it ends with them smiling and laughing as they acknowledge they understand each other and they're the same. I track Sam and John's relationship through the tag, #we probably have a lot more in common than just about anyone because Sam says that during that conversation in 1.20 (gifset).

Dean's shifting season 1 perspective on John

At the same time this shift is happening in Sam, we see Dean going the exact opposite direction. He starts out believing John has their best interest at heart even if they don't understand his actions, but the resentment is there too (1.06). In 1.09 and in 1.12, Dean needs help desperately, and John doesn't answer. While Sam is learning that John actually cares about him, Dean is growing more and more concerned that John doesn't care about him (Dean) specifically. We see this resentment start to come out (season 1 compilation set here) in 1.20, when John says he wants to keep the boys safe and that's why he's ditching them, and Dean calls it "A bunch of crap". Dean begins standing up to John to his face from this episode onward—finishing 1.20 with a "Yeah well we saved your ass" in response to John saying they disobeyed him. In 1.21, John tries to get on his case, and Dean lays into him about not answering the phone and specifically about abandoning Dean when Dean needed him in 1.09 and 1.12. In 1.22, Sam tries to get his way by telling Dean that John wouldn't want them to bring The Colt to save him, and Dean yells "I don't care what Dad wants!" and then when Sam starts throwing the blame on him for everything, Dean says,

Well, you and Dad are a lot more alike than I thought, you know that? You both can’t wait to sacrifice yourself for this thing. But you know what? I’m gonna be the one to bury you. You’re selfish, you know that? You don’t care about anything but revenge.

Dean has compared Sam and John more than once during the series, and it has never ever been a compliment.

Sam and Dean in the rest of the series

Sam and Dean's interactions about John in rest of the series are... almost universally the opposite of what the fanfics you've picked up suggest. Their interactions almost always show Dean criticizing John and Sam keeping silent or defending him, or reiterating that John did what he had to/the best he could.

Gifset on Dean's whole season 2 "Fuck John Winchester" vibe here.

In 2.01, Dean shouts at John for (it appears) abandoning him to die:

DEAN Come on, Dad. You've gotta help me. I've gotta get better, I've gotta get back in there. I mean, you haven't called a soul for help. You haven't even tried. Aren't you going to do anything? Aren't you even going to say anything? I've done everything you have ever asked me. Everything. I have given everything I've ever had. And you're just going to sit there and you're going to watch me die? I mean, what the hell kind of father are you?

Sam and John have a horrible fight where John blames him for Dean's condition and Sam tells him to go to Hell only for him to make a demon deal and literally go to Hell that same day (gifset) and Sam tries to start another fight right before John dies but John refuses to engage (gifset). The result ends up being that Sam and Dean have fully swapped places on John by 2.02 with John's death as the catalyst. John's death leaves Sam with regrets that their last interaction was Sam trying to start a fight (2.02). He decides he wants to hunt in John's memory (2.02) (gifset1, gifset2) while a part of Dean desperately wants to quit the life altogether—he's clawing the walls but feels helplessly trapped (2.09, 2.10, 2.20).

Sam defends John while Dean suggests John lead them down the wrong path with a dogmatic rule book (2.03). He demands they go to Lawrence so he can place John's dog tags over Mary's grave (2.04). He spends the season regurgitating John's orders, pushing Dean to do what John told him to do (2.11, 2.14, 2.20) while Dean wants to quit the life (2.09, 2.10, 2.20) and burns with anger toward John. In 2.10, Dean says "I wish to god he'd never opened his mouth!" about John.

In 2.11 "Playthings":

SAM (shoving DEAN to face him) Dean! Dad told you to do it, you have to. DEAN Yeah, well, Dad's an ass! (SAM frowns in confusion) He never should have said anything! I mean, you don't do that, you don't, you don't lay that kind of crap on your kids! SAM No. He was right to say it! Who knows what I might become? Even now, everyone around me dies!

We see Dean seething with resentment while Sam defends John's orders and tries to enforce them on Dean, carrying the legacy of their father in more ways than one.

Over and over, we get indications that a part of John treated Dean as disposable while he sheltered Sam, and that Dean is increasingly aware of the impact that's difference has had on him—to the point he realizes his father's neglect and abuse is the reason he isn't fighting to save himself in 3.10 "Dream A Little Dream Of Me". Dean and John's relationship is intentionally paralleled with a physically abusive relationship between a father and son in this same episode (gifset, meta), and in this episode, Dean rejects his father as an "obsessed bastard", calls Bobby his father (gifset), and decides from this point forward, he's going to fight to save himself from his demon deal because fuck John Winchester.

DREAM DEAN Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. Your own father didn't care whether you lived or died. Why should you? DEAN Son of a bitch! My father was an obsessed bastard! All that crap he dumped on me, about protecting Sam! That was his crap! He's the one who couldn't protect his family! He– who wasn't there for Sam! I always was! He wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me! And I don't deserve to go to Hell!

And yeah! Dean also still loves John! And more than that—he craves John's protection. We see this in 3.14 "Long Distance Call" when the Crocotta calls to Dean as John from beyond the grave, telling Dean exactly what Dean wants to hear: "I never wanted this. Never. You're my boy, I love you. I can't watch you to go to hell, Dean," and telling Dean he can save him. This is pure longing for the love and protection Dean has always desired from John but feels like he's never received. Instead, he's always felt disposable.

In season 4? Oh boy... we get this incredible bit in 4.10 between Dean and Anna:

ANNA I was stationed on earth 2,000 years. Just... watching... silent... invisible... out on the road... sick for home... waiting on orders from an unknowable father I can't begin to understand. So don't tell me that -- DEAN laughs. ANNA What is so funny? What? DEAN Nothing. Sorry. It's just...I can relate.

Then in after meeting Adam in 4.19, Sam and Dean have a fight about whether to bring Adam hunting with them or leave him to a normal life:

DEAN 'Hunting is life. You can't have connections.' Dad gave you that exact same speech, remember? It was just before you ditched us for Stanford. You hated Dad for saying that stuff, and now you're quoting him? SAM Yeah, well, turns out Dad was right. DEAN Since when? SAM Since always. Dean, when I look at Adam, you know what I see? DEAN A normal kid. SAM No. Meat. Because the demons and monsters out there, that's all he is. I hated Dad for a long time. I did. But now I think I understand. So we didn't have a dog and a white picket fence. So what? Dad did right by us. He taught us how to protect ourselves. Adam deserves the same. DEAN Listen to yourself, man. SAM You think I’m wrong? DEAN I think it's too late for us. This is our life. This is who we are, okay? And it's fine. I accept that. But with Adam, he's still got a chance, man. He can go to school. He could be a doctor.

Sam says John did right by them. Dean thinks he absolutely didn't, but they can't change who they are now—they can only keep others from falling down the same path.

At the end of the episode? Oh boy...

DEAN You know, I finally get why you and Dad butted heads so much. You two were practically the same person. SAM looks over. DEAN I mean, I worshipped the guy, you know? I dressed like him, I acted like him, I listen to the same music. But you were more like him than I will ever be. And I see that now. SAM I'll take that as a compliment. DEAN You take it any way you want.

It is NOT a compliment.

In 5.16, Dean is confronted with god's intentional absence, and burning with resentment, says to Joshua,

Forget it. Just another dead-beat dad with a bunch of excuses, right. I’m used to that. I’ll muddle through.

In 5.13, Sam takes the opportunity presented to him by young John's presence to defend their father and tell John that he forgives him (gifset).

JOHN Look, how long have you known about this...hunting stuff? SAM Pretty much forever. My dad raised me in it. JOHN You're serious? Who the hell does that to a kid? SAM Well, I mean, for the record, Mary's parents did. JOHN I don't care. You know, what kind of irresponsible bastard lets a child anywhere near—Y-you know, you could've been killed! SAM I, uh...came kind of close. SAM laughs. JOHN The number it must've done on your head...Your father was supposed to protect you. SAM He was trying. He died trying. Believe me. SAM sits down on the bench under a window. SAM I used to be mad at him. I—I mean, I used to... I used to hate the guy. But now I—I... I get it. He was...just doing the best he could. And he was trying to keep it together in—in—in this impossible situation. See... My mom, um... She was amazing, beautiful, and she was the love of his life. And she got killed. And...I think he would have gone crazy if he didn't do something. Truth is, um, my dad died before I got to tell him that I understand why he did what he did. And I forgive him for what it did to us. I do. And I just—I love him.

What Lebanon does is present Sam with the opportunity to reiterate his forgiveness toward a John who understands the context:

SAM Dad… for me? That fight… that was a lifetime ago. I don’t even remember what I said, and – I mean… yeah. You know what? You did some messed-up things. But I don’t… I mean, when I think about you… [voice breaks] and I think about you a lot… I don’t think about our – our fights. I think about you… I think about you on the floor of that hospital. And I think about how I never got to say goodbye. JOHN Sam. Son. I am so sorry. SAM I’m sorry, too. But you did your best, dad. You – you fought for us, and you loved us, and… that’s enough.

So yeah! The fanfic narrative here where Sam is Mr. "Dad was bad" and Dean is Mr. "Nooo dad did the best he could" IS ABSOLUTE NONSENSE!!!!!

[holylulusworld]

The one that got away (5)

Summary: Your best friend breaks your heart.

Pairing: AU!Dean Winchester x fem!Reader

Warnings: angst, past unrequited feelings, regret, reunion, naughty Dean, implied innocent reader, possessive Dean, tension, unresolved feelings, idiots in love

Catch up here: The one that got away (4)

The one that got away masterlist

Dean reluctantly said goodbye that night. You didn’t go home with him, nor did you take him home. It was too soon, and you weren’t ready to forgive him yet.

He used to be your best friend but broke your heart to not admit his feelings. So many years later he expected you to just cave in and forgive him.

You’re not cruel, or stubborn. Dean simply didn’t understand that your heart was still aching any time you think about the words he said, and how he turned his back on you.

If he loved you so much – why did he never try to contact you before he crashed into your life not twenty-four hours ago?

The feelings for him are still strong, and it felt like a dream come true when he walked back into your life. Still, he cannot talk you into having sex with him only because he took a job offer in the same town.

“Not again,” you curse under your breath. All you asked him to do is give you time and space. But no. Dean is calling you for what feels like the hundredth time today. “Leave me alone, Dean Winchester. You cocky sonofabitch!”

You refuse to take the call and shut your phone off. If he wants to talk to you, Dean must come to you, and offer redemption, and a better explanation than being a stupid boy.

He’s a man for a few years and never tried to make amends. Dean cannot come back and believe everything will go back to normal.

“Sweetheart, I know you are at home,” Dean knocks again. He calls your name and offers pie and booze if you open the door. “Y/N, I came to check on you! Are you alright? Are you still alive? You didn’t answer my calls.”

“For fuck’s sake, Winchester,” you rip the door open to glare at Dean. “It’s Sunday morning but thanks to you I’m wide awake. What is wrong with you? Can you not get a message? I didn’t want to talk to you.”

“There she is,” he grins and invades your home. Dean kicks your door shut with his boot and pushes the flowers he stole from your neighbor’s garden into your hands. “Greetings from your asshole neighbor. Man, he didn’t take it lightly that I picked a few of his flowers.”

“Winchester, are you fucking insane? You can’t just steal flowers from my neighbor’s garden! Do you have no shame or manners?”

“I needed some flowers, and the old geezer had more than enough,” he has the guts to shrug. “Do you like them?” Dean grins. “I know you like them.”

“Not if you stole them,” you grunt. “Dean, what do you want from me? I asked you to give me space and time to think about a few things. Now you are here and want what?”

“Y/N,” he sighs deeply and shrugs again. “I have waited for so long to find you again, and now, I can’t get you out of my head.” Dean steps closer to poke your upper arm. “Come on, let’s be crazy and have beer and pie for breakfast.”

“You’re crazy if you believe I’ll eat pie for breakfast.”

“Well then, invite me for breakfast and lunch. We can put the pie in the fridge and eat it later. I’ll pay for dinner tonight.”

Goddamn that man. He’s cocky and self-confident. Dean looks at you, using the puppy dog look he learned from his younger brother to make your resolve grumble.

“Dean, you can’t come here and—” you grunt as he presses his index finger against your lips. You bite his finger, making Dean yelp.

“Hey! Save the biting for the bedroom.” You blink at his words. “I…uh-I meant you shouldn’t bite a man’s finger for no reason.”

You purse your lips, and snicker. “I didn’t ask you to put your finger in my face. If you push your finger into my face, I’ll bite you!”

His features darken for a split second. He hums and lazily licks his lower lip. “What if I push something else in your face?”

“What? DEAN WINCHESTER! You pervert.”

Oh, that smirk grows, and he gives you a wink. “I was talking about my lips, sweetheart. What did you think I meant?” He acts innocently. Dean is a wolf hiding behind his pretty façade. If you don’t want out, you end up devoured by him.

“I know exactly what you mean, Dean!”

“Hmm…” he purses his lips. “So…” Dean dips his head to glance at the pie. “Pie for breakfast – yes or no.”

This time, you sigh. “Fine, we can have breakfast together. But nothing else.”

“Breakfast is the most important meal, Y/N,” he says. “Maybe I’ll get a nice dessert?” He drops his eyes to your lower half. “Yeah, that would be great…”

Part 6

Tags in reblog.

[what-do-1000-swords-look-like]

I'm finishing up my rewatch of season 3 of The Boys before I begin my SPN rewatch (got 2 more episodes left) and watching Jensen's performance as Soldier Boy just absolutely floors me.

It floors me because I've seen antis time and time again claim that Soldier Boy/Ben was essentially Dean in a superhero suit, that Jensen has one note acting, that he watered down the character by refusing to do scenes that made him uncomfortable (especially by one anti blog in particular who claims to be an acting expert, you know the one), and that his acting is very bland.

But in studying his performance because I'm studying the character (for writing purposes), these people couldn't be more wrong. I will admit that the only time I got a semi-Dean vibe from him was during the scene where Soldier Boy tells Butcher about his father. Which doesn't surprise me because Jensen himself said he leaned into the Dean/John dynamic for that scene.

But otherwise, I don't see anywhere where their claims hold any water. I mean, have you actually watched his scenes?

This scene is so important. Annie is getting ready to face off with this guy and even though she knows he's dangerous (after seeing he results of one of his explosions up close and personal), but she has no idea how dangerous, not really. This isn't Dean. This isn't Beau. This is the dangerous side of Solider Boy and had Hughie not intervened, there's a good possibility shit would have gone even more sideways. Especially, with Ben coming off of the confrontation with Countess, her hitting him where it hurts the most (meaning she tapped into one of his biggest insecurities. That explosion wasn't an accident (like NYC or even at Herogasm with the Twins). Ben didn't black out here. That's shown to us by there being no Russian trigger, despite him learning that Countess and his team handed him over back in 1984 and didn't even get paid for it.

I mean, look at this expression right here. His body is moving but his eyes don't. He's getting into position, ready to take out the next threat. Only when Hughie steps in and Annie's eyes dim does he step away, assessing her as not a threat. This is the weapon that is deadly enough to take on Homelander and no matter where you stand on Jensen as an actor, he pulls it off here.

The physicality he utilized in this role speaks volumes. And it's not about Soldier Boy being a Supe or being in a suit or having to look pissed off all the time (minus the few times he's amused). It has to do with how he embodies that character, carries him, and if he pulls it off. Spoiler alert: he did.

This scene exemplifies exactly what I'm talking about. I have watched it countless times and this part of it always sticks out to me every single time. Look at that expression, look at the eyes. Ben is not going all out to sell this belief let's call it to Hughie. He's giving him a look that says "this is the truth and you better believe it or else". He's not smiling for news cameras or doing propaganda or greeting fans of his movies decades prior. He's not selling the Soldier Boy is America's Greatest Hero image here. He's subtly threatening Hughie, and this is where he begins to have an issue with him. Because Ben wants to see himself as the good guy, something Kripke, Jensen, and the cast have talked about in promoting the season. In his own mind, he is the good guy; he's a legend in his own mind so to speak. He's bought the hype about himself. And anyone who doesn't see him that way is an enemy aka a threat.

It doesn't mean he doesn't know he's doing things that aren't right (as we saw in those outtakes of the 'Don't-do-drugs' commercial). He's very self-aware but he justifies it to himself because he's Soldier Boy and almost like Homelander always says, he can do what he wants. Not necessarily that he has a god-mentality that rivals Homelander's but everything is justifiable in his mind because he's a Supe, or more precisely the Supe, and he's protecting his country. And it also keeps that insecurity of being a disappointment at bay that he has from his childhood. It's all layered into his make-up so to speak. So not only is Hughie a threat (not physically obviously but to Ben's image of himself) but is also bordering dangerously close to reminding him of the very thing he hates: a mirror that reminds him that maybe his dad was right about him (not saying he was, I'm saying this is potentially what is running through his mind). So not only does it share a brilliant parallel between Hughie and Annie when it comes to Soldier Boy that eventually plays out beautifully in the Tower Scene in the finale, but it also is sewn into the issue between Hughie and Annie this season in their own relationship.

But the way Jensen plays that scene is phenomenal because if you watch it, you realize if Hughie says one wrong thing, he may be in trouble.

Which is then continued in this scene:

In this scene, Hughie is mentioning there's a lot of people inside Herogasm and here we get Ben's reaction to Hughie saying that. Then he tells Hughie as long as the people stay out of his way they should be fine. But again, watch how he says it, his expression, focus on his tone, his body movement. He clearly is not happy that Hughie says this (it literally is a continuation from the hotel room scene) and again has that subtle threat vibe, even with Butcher standing there (because let's face it, to him, even with temp V, Butcher is no threat). And of course, we all know the slap scene and the punch scene that happens later. Not only does Hughie get switched out for Ryan later on who Butcher ends up protecting from Soldier Boy, but it all plays out beautifully as all of the connections, overt and subtle, unfold throughout the season.

But back to Jensen's performance. There is so much to appreciate in how he fully embodied this character. And that's not saying it through an AA haze of "omg he's so hawt!" or "omg did you see his ass?" That's appreciating the amount of work that he put into this role when the cameras started rolling. He literally became Soldier Boy and he embodied him even outside of the suit.

As an actor, Jensen is very nuanced. He consistently adds in these little things that help make the character even more multi-dimensional than what is written on the page or what is called for int he scene and how it's blocked. This is why there is a certain small group of people on here that repeatedly talk about Jacting Joices, it's not just related to Supernatural or Destiel or Dean. It's about Jensen as an actor, as a performer, and how much he actually pours into these characters he plays. Whether it be the way he moves (or walks), or the expressions he uses, his eyes (yep, he does that too, see above), with his hands, even down to the way he delivers a line. All actors do this in their own way obviously, lean into physicality as well as their performance, but he definitely has his own unique style that I just don't see anyone else replicating. I think there's a reason so many people say no one else could have played Dean the way he could have for example. And if you watch his characters, really watch them, you'll see what he does each and every time. Even smaller characters like Jason from Smallville or Tom from My Bloody Valentine or Alec from Dark Angel. It's all right there on the screen.

So I guess my whole long point is I don't get why antis rip him apart when it comes to this role of Soldier Boy (other than being antis I guess) or say he can't act or that has no idea how to properly analyze his character because he actually did put a ton of work into this specific character (as well as all the others he's done) and you can clearly see it as you watch his scenes in the show. While I wish we could have seen Homelander and Soldier Boy go at it a bit more, and see Soldier Boy truly unleash that Alpha-ness of being the original Supe like had been talked about in promotions and interviews, it doesn't diminish that this character was fascinating and he brought it to life from the script in a way that complemented his own unique style as a performer.

tl;dr Jensen crushed Soldier Boy and Ben (yes, two different characters to embody actually) and I cannot wait to see more of him in any future Boys-related visual story telling, on the show or others.

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

Lend a Helping Hand

Got the pic here. The graphic was made by me on Canva.

This fic will cover my "I need you to set that down slowly and step away." square on my 2nd @jacklesversebingo card. The prompt will be in bold.

Summary: Dean wants to lend a helping hand.

Warnings/Explicit 18+: None. All fluff. Crack if you squint. But it's mostly just pure Christmas Fluff!

Pairings: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1,047

A/N: Here is the next request for my second @jacklesversebingo card. This one came from @kimberkingrivers who asked this:

...The square “I’m gonna need you to set that down and step away” made me think of Dean and reader in a very domestic setting, in the bunker kitchen maybe. Reader is making something and totally about to make a mess. Or vise versa Deans trying to make something for the reader and she walks in to the kitchen to see the mess he’s made and tell him the prompt. I don’t know that’s just where my brain went.

I absolutely loved this idea and came up with this little drabble as a result. I hope you enjoy it, lovely!

The beautiful dividers I used were made by @talesmaniac89

Y/N took the last step down the metal staircase into the bunker and sighed deeply as she dropped her bags where she stood. Her arms were exhausted after two hours of walking and shopping, trying to get all the last minute stuff that she needed to make Christmas perfect for her little hunter family. 

The boys were basically like feral wolves when it came to celebrating holidays; they had no idea how to do it, and when she forced them into the festivities they tended to be almost suspicious of the merriment. But she refused to take no for an answer and poured everything she had into making their celebrations happy, and relaxing.

So for Christmas she was going all out. She’d spent days decorating the bunker while the boys had been out on a hunt and when they came back, the cold, concrete bunker had been transformed into a bright and colorful, warm and inviting space. They’d both told her she didn’t need to go to all that trouble, but she could see how happy it made them and the look of little boy excitement in Dean’s eyes had made it more than worth the time she put into it. 

She and Dean had been together nearly a year now, and she never got tired of giving him the home he’d never had. She loved being the comfort he came home to. 

She sighed happily and picked up her bags, planning on taking them to the bedroom, when suddenly she heard a huge crash. A second later Dean was yelling and cursing and Y/N dropped the bags back to the floor and dashed towards his voice. It sounded like it was coming from the kitchen. 

As she neared the entrance she called out to her boyfriend. “Dean, what’s wrong?”

“No!” Dean yelled back. “No, don’t come in here!”

But it was too late. She skidded to a halt in the doorway of the kitchen and her jaw dropped. Dean had his back to her, facing the island and wrestling with something sitting there. But he spun around when he heard her enter. His hands were raised as she walked slowly down the stairs and into the room.

“No! You weren’t…” He sighed and dropped his hands down to his sides. “You weren’t supposed to come in here.” In each hand he held a beater from the electric mixer and they dripped thick, lumpy icing onto the floor.

Y/N looked around her, unable to believe the catastrophe that'd been made out of what had been a spotless kitchen just hours before.

The counter was lined with baking instruments in various states of cleanliness. There was something burnt and yet oozing out of the muffin tins on top of the stove. The floor was patterned with big, sticky boot prints, and a bag of flour had tipped over to spill off the end of the table, creating a small hill of fluffy white powder on the gray floor below. The water was running endlessly in the sink that was stacked with dishes, and Dean was covered in a fine layer of flour.

There were colorful sprinkles in his hair.

“What on…I was only gone two hours.” Y/N said in a quiet, awed voice. “Wha-” Something dripped from the ceiling to land right in front of her, making her step back quickly. She looked up and pointed at the goop. “Is that frosting?”

Dean gave a frustrated growl. “Yes, it is. Because this stupid machine is a piece of shit!” He turned slightly towards the mixer sitting on the island, flinging his arms out wide. A thick splat of frosting shot off the end of the beater he held to land in a wet lump on Y/N’s cheek.

“Shit!” Dean shouted, his face scrunched up with remorse. “I’m sorry.” He swung back to face her quickly and more frosting went flying, this time landing on the wall.

“Okay,” Y/N said in a calming voice as though talking down a maniac. “I need you to set that down slowly and step away.”

Dean sighed and shifted to set the beaters down on the island. “You weren’t supposed to come in here.”

Y/N shook her head as she approached him. “Dean, what are you doing?” She asked with an exasperated laugh.

He lifted the corner of his mouth and shrugged a shoulder. “Helping?”

Y/N snorted out another laugh at his slightly chagrined expression. As she got close enough, Dean reached out towards her, flicking his thumb across her cheek to try and get the frosting off. 

“It’s just,” his voice got soft and his smile became sheepish, “you’ve been doing so much to make Christmas special, and it’s been incredible and I just wanted to take something off your hands."

He bit his lip and shrugged again before continuing. "You said you were gonna make cupcakes when you got home, so I thought it would be a nice surprise to have them already finished for you.”

He sighed again and then scowled at the uncooperative mixer. “But nothing did what I wanted it to do.”

As he explained his sweet gesture, Y/N felt a lump catch in her throat and tears came to her eyes. Dean misinterpreted them though, and his eyes got wide. “But I swear, sweetheart, you don’t have to worry. I’m gonna clean all of this up, I don’t want you to-”

Y/N cut him off by throwing her arms around his neck and pulling him down for a kiss. His lips were sweet and sticky, proof he’d been sampling the frosting as he went. Dean's sound of surprise turned into a moan and he deepened the kiss. He left floury handprints at her waist as he pulled her tight against him.

When Y/N pulled away she was breathing hard and she pressed her forehead to his. “Thank you.” She said breathlessly.

Dean huffed a laugh. “Um…you’re welcome?”

Y/N kissed his lips again, softly. “I love you so much, did you know that?”

Dean’s eyes were warm and happy as he wrapped his arms all the way around her, and squeezed tighter. He kissed her cheek where some frosting still clung. “I did know that, but I like the way you tell me anyway.”

Y/N grinned and scanned the disastrous kitchen. “I like the way you tell me too.”

1 - Jensen RPF + Any/All characters Jensen plays. @lyarr24 @deans-spinster-witch @impalaslytherin @maggiegirl17 @akshi8278 @candy-coated-misery0731 @deanswaywardgirl @slytherinlyn314 @globetrotter28 @jensensgirl @perpetualabsurdity @tristanrosspada-ackles @djs8891 @muhahaha303 @kayyay1219 @emily-winchester @recoveringpastaaddict @maximumkillshot @mimaria420 @sacriceria @envyaurora95 @lacilou @jc-winchester @spnwoman @mimi-luvzyu @jackles010378 @mayafatimakhan @impala67rollingthroughtown

2 - Dean Winchester Fics Only. @carryonwaywardgirl @slamminmine @roonthelittlespoon920

Other tag lists will be tagged in a reblog. ❤️

[girls-alias]

Hate - Sam Winchester

Title: Hate - Sam Winchester Words: 979 Relations: Sam Winchester X reader. TW: Extremely sad. [Didn't realize how sad it was until editing. good luck not crying] 

Prompt:

Sam hates himself for letting you leave.

THIRD-PERSON POV:

He didn't have a choice, he just couldn't admit that it wasn't his fault. He was the only thing holding him back. 

It was any other day in the hunting game, they'd tracked a djinn fought it and carried on about their days. Sure Sam was wondering what Y/N was doing when she seemed to run off all of a sudden but he didn't think it was anything serious.

She sat in the doctor's waiting room, bouncing her knee on the spot, staring at the floor. 

"Y/N L/N?" The doctor called into the room. Her heart instantly fell to her gut, she knew it was bad news from the expression on his face. She seemed to blackout as she walked into his office and took a seat. All she heard was white noise as he talked after he said he only had 2 months to live. She was shocked but knew it already, she had a feeling but hearing it out loud was heart-shattering. As she left only one tear fell, a tear which warned her of the rest if she didn't stop it. She was never the type to cry and now was not the time for her to start. 

She walked into the motel with a stone-cold face. Ignore Sam's greeting she instantly stormed over to her bed. 

"Y/N, what's wrong?" Sam asked in a concerned tone as he walked around the couch he was just previously sitting on. 

"I can't do this anymore," She snapped. Even seeing the sorrow in his eyes didn't stop her, she was determined. "Sam, I can't live like this! You might be fine, hunting monsters and drinking with your brother but I'm not, I have to go otherwise I'll be here for the rest of my life," She shouted. Tears in her eyes, all too scared to escape. 

"Y/N, why are you saying this?" He asked brokenhearted. She lost her breath, only to find it holding back her tears. 

"I'm leaving and there is no way you can stop me, I'm sorry but I'm not dying a hunter," She scoffed throwing the bag on her shoulder. "Goodbye, Sam," She softly spoke before turning towards the door. Sam watched after her not noticing her hesitate at the door before forcing it open and never returning. Growing more and more reckless as her time ticked on. She didn't mean what she said but it was the only way to save Sam. To save him from the heartache of losing her to a slow death.

He hated himself for weeks on end, regretting it all, and considering leaving but no matter where he looked she wasn't there, he only found her when it was on the news. A heroic death. 

"Reports show that the woman, Y/N, was a hero, she had been given 2 months to live in the early weeks of June and since had saved many. A hero to the locals and a number in the system," The TV spoke grabbing Sam's attention. He couldn't believe it, not because it was unbelievable but because he didn't want to, he simply reduced. Even with her picture on the screen, he was in disbelief. 

Even hearing she was gone he continued to search. Though it hurt, Dean was the one who had to identify the body and with Bobby's help gave her Hunter's burial. 

Sam would sit alone, thinking, crying, searching, hoping. Deep down he knew, but even deeper down he was in denial. He had felt loss and pain but not like this, not this intense. 

He couldn't sleep. Not without her, he refused to eat until he was on the brink of passing out. It hit him hard and when the night felt long he would sit outside the bunker, his back to the wall and stare off into the distance, sometimes imagining Y/N would appear and explain a crazy story that would justify it all but as the night went on nothing happened, she never came, and he never forgave himself. 

His eyes were always red from crying, his throat raw and he was heartbroken. Dean tried all he could, giving him space, and distracting him but Sam wanted revenge and the only person he could blame was himself for letting her go. He punished himself, eating next to nothing and as time went on Dean was afraid to go on hunts with him and afraid to leave him alone. 

Once again he sat outside of the bunker but this time it was different, this time he knew he couldn't imagine her there. It had been months since he saw her and he was forgetting the details. 

"Cas, I don't ask you for much, but I need this," He spoke to the world and heard no return. He waited, he waited till the sun arose. 

The flames burned in his face before Crowley appeared behind them. 

"Wondered how long it would take you," Crowley sassed taking a seat and acting like he owned the place. 

"Is she in hell?" Sam asked demandingly. Crowley's eyes softened.

"No, even when she was hunting, I had nothing bad on her," Crowley explained in a softer voice than usual. "Not everyone's a Winchester, you can't bring her back," He added. Sam only scoffed. 

"I'll give myself in for her, I'll give you my soul, I'll give you anything," Sam demanded but Crowley looked at him sadly. It only angered Sam, the eyes he had seen since the news. 

"I can't. I promised I wouldn't," Crowley sadly explained. 

"Since when did you make promises and keep them?!" Sam now screamed. 

"I'm sorry," Crowley added before disappearing. Sam shouted in the thin air. Dean heard it all and waited by the door knowing there was nothing he could do as he heard Sam scream and cry. It only hurt so Dean walked away just like she did.

[lol-jackles]

tumblr /jenmishperceiver/747567018487726080/i-think-if-anything-put-the-final-nail-in-the> I've seen this assumption before and imo it's spin: Jensen said repeatedly that he told the group he wanted to think about the script, went home TO HIS WIFE and said he was uncomfortable, who then suggested calling Kripke, ect // In all the retellings, I've never actually seen it said Jensen fought with the writers OR EVEN TOLD THEM and Jared he was uncomfortable until AFTER he'd changed his mind to agreed

Bitter Destiel shippers are those kinds of people who fall for IRS telephone scams.

You're correct, Jensen never said in any of his retellings that he fought with writers nor did he tell them or Jared he's having a hard time "digesting" until AFTER he talked to Kripke and was convinced by Kripke that "Carry On" was the right ending for fans. You know, the real fans who watch the show for what it really is: Sam's hero journey with his beloved brother, Dean.

That said, while you're correct that it's Jensen's job to sell the concept, he has also been pitching a Dean-led spinoff for years. Remember his "dream" (X) that he pitched during the SPN press junket?   I didn’t side-eye his PCA campaigns or his pursuit for Dean-centric storylines, but I did raise my eyebrows at his ballsy move to publicly pitch his post-Sam projects in front of Jared and Misha. What does the jenmishperciever's Anon say about that? Hummm?

Actors are always pitching their project ideas, they're just a bit more subtle about it. I'm certain Jensen had hoped the "dream" would catch on with the fans and they would campaign for it. Except not even AAs were down with the idea. Casual fans even less so. Lucky for you I saved the screenshot from the article:

Reading through jenmishperciever's Anon's self-soothing fanfiction is like watching bread grow old right before your eyes; same delusions we've seen for the past 12 years. Blame Jared for playing Sam who was in the way of a fake fetish ship from becoming canon that Less than 1% of the SPN audience ships. Said Jared's drunken arrest (I refuse to call it a bar fight, it was a group hug gone wrong) could have threaten the ENTIRE filming of the SPN final season while ignoring Anthony Starr's drunken arrest, which by the Anon's logic, would have threaten the ENTIRE filming of The Boys.

Lol they still pretend to believe that Kripke gave the SPN rights to Jensen when Kripke is SUEING WB over profit participation over SPN.

The only thing Jensen cared about with his SPN spinoff was lens crafting, which was why The Winchesters was a Shein version of an AU fanfic. Remember when Jensen told TW cast “don’t fuck it up for me”? After 15-20 years, Jensen is used to lead actors/Jareds doing the heavy lifting in carrying the show and being leader of the cast and crew and he benefitted from the sweet spot as #2 on the call sheet i.e. the good guy who is friends with everyone.

If Jensen keeps trying to be in charge of SPN projects, SPN fans’ reaction is going to be the same as today Marvel fanboys’ reaction every time they hear Kevin Feige’s name: “What did you did do this time you Son of a Bitch!? What train did you derail this time?”

Since Supernatural ended 4 years ago, the bitter Destiel hellers and AAs are stuck in a time loop of step 1 through 4 of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression). S tep 5 is acceptance, which is long delayed due to Jared’s continue success i.e. Walker in it's 4th season and #1 scripted show for CW.

[meganlpie]

I Can Still Sense Him

Based on this request: Hey, if requests are still open I was going to ask for a Supernatural request where the reader (fem) is Gabriel’s human mate. When he dies shes devastated and everyone says she’s delusional because she can still…sense him. But then he really is alive and decides he can’t take hiding anymore and just comes back out into the open To be with her

Here you are, lovely! As always, I do not own ANY SPN characters. They belong to the writers/creators of the show.

Warnings: Destined mates, angst(mentions of death), fluff, and it's a little short.

Pairings: Gabriel x fem!reader, The Winchesters.

Most people would hate someone that caused the "death" of a person they cared for multiple times. But when you officially met Gabriel, you didn't see the same Trickster that the Winchesters saw. You saw someone broken and lonely. Someone a lot like you. You also immediately saw that he was not a typical Trickster. You'd seen his wings. A sign of an angel's destined mate.

          So of course, you'd pleaded with the Winchesters to let him go. They had trusted your judgment and did as you asked. After that, Gabriel made a habit of popping in to see you every now and again. You certainly didn't mind. Even if you hadn't known you were destined mates, the connection between you two was undeniable. You spent as much time as you could with him.

           He made you laugh, no matter the situation, and after a while, you could not deny that you fell in love with him. You got butterflies whenever he turned those honey-colored eyes on you. Or when he smiled at you. You wanted to be with him as often as possible. But, before you could admit to the mischievous angel that you loved him, he was gone. Taken from you.

          After the Winchesters and Castiel told you about Gabriel's death, you were devastated to say the least. You completely shut down. Hardly ate or slept, refused to hunt. You became a shell of yourself for what seemed like a long time. But just when you were at your lowest, you started to feel…something. You couldn't describe it, but it almost felt like Gabriel was still with you in some way. There were times you felt so at ease, like you could feel him hugging you close or hear him whispering in your ear. It brought you peace whenever you were alone.

          When the Winchesters questioned why you suddenly started acting like yourself again, you couldn't really explain it. You knew they'd jump to the different, albeit possible, conclusion that you were being haunted by something else. Or they'd think you were crazy. But the two men were very persistent and didn't trust sudden changes in the people they cared about or hunted with. So you had to try and explain.

           "I-I don't know how to explain it, guys. I just…started feeling better. Like Gabriel's still with me. Like he's here and helping me." As you suspected, the two exchanged a look like they didn't believe you.

          "Gabriel's gone, Y/N," Sam said softly, earning an eye roll from you. "I know that, Sam! Can't you let me have just a little sense of peace for once?! I lost the love of my life, something I thought you of all people would understand!" You didn't wait for him to reply before you got up and stomped out of the room. Was it a low blow? Yes. But you felt Sam had it coming in that moment.

          For weeks after that, you didn't speak to Sam at all and talked to Dean only when you had to. He had not said anything to you about your feelings, but you knew he thought you were insane as well. Even Cas thought there was something wrong with you. Still, you held onto that feeling, that sense, that Gabriel was somehow still with you. Even if it was only in spirit. Then, it happened.

          You were in Vegas (go figure) with the boys on a hunt. The hunt lead you to a hotel room. Dean wanted to go crashing into the room like an 80s TV cop, but you rolled your eyes and knocked on the door. The door opened and you swore your heart stopped.

          "Hey, Sweetcheeks. Miss me?"

          "G-Gabriel?" you squeaked out as tears formed in your eyes and you lowered your weapon. He smiled at you. Turning to Dean beside you, you asked, "Am I dreaming? Am I dead?" Dean simply shook his head, unable to form words. You wasted no time in launching yourself into the archangel's arms. Gabriel let out a huff followed by a light laugh.

          "I missed you too, Lollipop." You gripped onto the back of his shirt as he held you. "I knew I felt you." He laughed again. "Sorry I disappeared on you. I had to make dear Luci think I was gone. My…buddy Loki's been letting me hide out as him for a while, but I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to see you again," his whispered to you. "I'm just gonna…" Dean stated, trailing off before turning to leave you and Gabriel alone.          

Gabriel lead you fully into the room and shut the door. "The guys thought I was crazy," you stated and Gabriel shook his head. "I wanted to make sure you knew I'd never leave you if I didn't have to." You gripped onto him again. Truthfully, you were terrified to let go. "It's alright," Gabriel whispered, "I'm sticking around for a while. I'm not leaving my mate alone again." And when his lips met yours for the first time in so long, you knew he was telling the truth.

(a/n: I hope you like it! Also, how do we feel about Gabriel calling the reader "Lollipop"? I thought it was a cute nickname, but if you hate it, I won't use it in future Gabriel fics.)

Forever Tags: @fizzyxcustard @brewsthespirit-blog @sirkekselord @aikibriarrose @lady-of-lies @motleymoose @esoltis280 @stories-by-shanna-p @dark-angel-is-back @supernatural4life2022

SPN Tags: @jotink78

[ardentpoop]

genuinely interested bc i love critical thoughts on Dean and John, why do u think John is better than him?

I agree Sam is the best, but as of right now, I believe John is worse, gimme ur thoughts <3

I think most people have such a narrow idea of abuse that john registers as More Abusive than dean bc of the show’s (offscreen, retroactive) imagery of him devolving into drunken rages etc. which btw - as if dean doesn’t have plenty of onscreen drunken rages. 😅 overall tho most of the harm john inflicted on his sons was done via his unpredictable absences - and in sam’s case by cutting him off when he refused to live the life john thought he should live. (“you walk out that door don’t you ever come back” from john when sam leaves to go to stanford and from dean when they clash after sam’s forced detox.)

could very well be that if john had lived past s1 he would’ve made things worse - but he also could’ve made things a lot better tbh, by rerouting some of the tension btwn his sons. bc dean goes off the fucking rails after john dies. the reason I say s1 dean is the only version of dean I wholeheartedly sympathize with is that the red flags pop up in s2 immediately after john’s death and he only gets worse and worse from there.

like who do you think did more damage to sam - john with whom sam would argue constantly bc he knew he was wrong abt what was “best” for sam, who died before the worst events of sam’s life could transpire? or dean who develops an insanely long track record of lying to sam “for his own good” and making decisions for him without his consent (which sometimes involves literally punching his lights out to incapacitate him) and questioning his judgement at every major junction and calling him a “freak” and meaning it and showing him that everyone else in their life agrees that dean’s right to do all of it. john was sam’s unreliable father but dean is sam’s literal life partner and he makes their already nightmarish existence worse by refusing to extend a modicum of the trust compassion and understanding to sam that sam unconditionally extends to dean.

I’m sorry but dean’s literally a monster lol no other character in this show makes my stomach turn more frequently than he does. and like I’ve said - there is immense narrative value to that and this show and these characters wouldn’t be the same if the dynamic wasn’t this badly unbalanced… but ppl are so allergic to confronting it. it doesn’t mean you can’t like dean as a character! believe it or not there are things abt him that I find very compelling. it’s just that I want to scream until I’m blue in the face when the fandom or the narrative trots out its romanticized version of him.

[luna-writes-stuff]

Mercy, Castiel

Song link

Fanfic, gn! reader

Aftermath betrayal, hurt/comfort. S8! central

Word count: 2514

Tw: Not proofread. s8 centric, after Cas’ betrayal/Naomi. Mention of injuries/pain and slight descriptions of battle.

Summary: After Castiel escaped Heaven with the angel tablet, he finds his way back to you. Through initial anger and betrayal, you find out what really happened to him.

Buy me coffee/force me to write more

“Help me, I've fallen on the inside.

I tried to change the game.

I tried to infiltrate, but now I'm losing.”

He didn’t think it would end up here. All his time with Naomi had prepared him for this exact moment, but the aftermath was not at all what he expected.

You and Dean had followed Castiel for his search for the angel tablet. Something had been up with him for weeks now, but he was an angel after all. Perhaps this was just a mere miscommunication of sorts. He had always been distant and unclear on his intentions. But they always turned out for the best in the end. You had simply dismissed it, thinking he was simply dealing with a lot, especially concerning Heaven.

You and the Winchesters had discussed it multiple times, but Dean seemed the most wary. You still tried to see the best in every situation, especially concerning Cas. He wouldn’t betray you. Not after all that you had been through. He had promised to look out for you after the whole Leviathan thing. Angels wouldn’t break their promises, Castiel least of all.

But you were soon to discover how awfully wrong you were about that.

“Men in cloaks always seem to run the show.

Save me from the

Ghosts and shadows before they eat my soul.”

The second Castiel refused to hand the tablet to Dean, you knew something was wrong. You had tried to be calm about the situation, but with Dean’s temper and Castiel’s adamance, the problem got blown out of proportion. When Cas landed the first hit on the hunter, you immediately flew into action. Friend or not, you knew he could easily kill Dean if he wanted to. You hadn’t kept in mind that the exact same could happen to you.

Before you could even process it, a rough punch landed on your jaw, sending you to the ground with Dean. You could have taken his blows for hours, you lost track after you failed to get back up. The fear coursing through you had been so real and terrifying, you remembered the relief when Dean threw himself in front of you, shielding you from Castiel’s attacks. When the angel had raised his blade, Dean didn’t fight anymore. He just sat there, on his knees, directly in front of you. You didn’t have it in you to get back up.

But the blow never came. Instead, a Castiel spoke up, visibly snapping out of something. He apologized, claiming the tablet needed to be kept safe from people, including you. You didn’t register much of what happened after that, save from the fact that the pain within you seemed to suddenly fade, accompanied by a pleasant warmth. When you came back to your senses, Cas was gone, and you and Dean appeared completely fine.

“Mercy, mercy.

Show me mercy,

from the powers that be.”

The days after that were spent at the bunker, trying to process what had happened. Sam and Dean had immediately taken hunting back up, which hadn’t surprised you, but you hadn’t joined them.

You still couldn’t believe how easily Cas had betrayed you. As if it was nothing. Sure, he had shown remorse for his actions afterwards, but people usually don’t just disappear after an apology. You had tried to work out where Cas might have been, and where he had kept the angel tablet. It might have been safest in the hands of an angel, but considering his prior actions, you’d feel safer if it was with you in the bunker.

It wasn’t rare for you to spend full days and nights in the library researching. You’d return to bed late and wake up early. Though the Winchesters were often done, they weren’t blind to notice your change in behaviour and looks. You weren’t only tired - you looked it too. But you would shake off their concern every time the mentioned it.

“Show me mercy,

can someone rescue me?”

There were many days where you would fall asleep on top of your laptop or the books. Tonight had been one of those nights. You had been spending the entire day checking locations and biblical miracles for anything out of the ordinary, until it eventually became too much for you.

You proposed a short moment of peace. Closing your eyes for just ten minutes. But exhaustion seemed too apparent, and before you knew it, you had been knock-out. You woke up to a gentle hand on your shoulder, and the sharp smell of mint tea. Tearing your eyes opened, you yawned. Your eyes noticed the hand, before trailing up to meet that familiar face.

“Good morning.” “Cas?” You mumbled confused, squinting your eyes together to take a better look at him. He held a teacup in front of you, a small cloud of steam coming from the top of it. “I made you this.”

You merely stared at him, unsure of whether he was truly there or not. And if he was, what would he be offering you tea for? You hesitantly accepted the steaming cup before Dean entered the library. “What the hell are you doing here?” He grumbled angrily, roughly grabbing Cas’ sleeve and tugging him towards the war room. “Well, I-” “No, I told you to stay out of the library.” Dean interrupted, gaining a look from Sam, who stood up from his seat in the other room. He gave you an assuring smile as he noticed you were finally up.

“We found him on the road last night.” He shared as he walked up to you. “You found him on the road last night?” You repeated incredulously. “Yes,” Sam muttered, watching as Dean left the angel in the war room before storming off. “Listen, we need to check for something,” Sam shared. “Just, take your time to wake up.”

And with that, he had followed his brother.

“Absent gods and silent tyranny.

We're going under, hypnotized by another puppeteer.”

When the Winchesters had disappeared, your confused eyes ran back to Castiel’s figure, who had walked back up to you. “Hello,” He greeted gruffly. You blinked twice before finally coming to your senses: “Where the hell have you been?” “Biggerson’s.” He stated simply. You gaped at him at his answer, shaking your head. “You have been at Biggerson’s all this time?” “Yes.”

And with that, all earlier worry had suddenly disappeared.You had not been searching every corner of the Eart and web for him to hide in a fastfood restaurant. A scoff of frustration escaped you.

“I owe you an apology.” Cas began, but you dismissed him. “Forget it.” “No,” He denied. “You deserve an explanation.”

You were too tired to argue with him. Within the one minute span of now and you waking up, a lot had happened. It could have nearly given you whiplash. You sighed, sitting back down at the table before gesturing to the chair in front of you. Castiel understood the silent hint, sitting down on the appointed chair: “I wanted to get back to Heaven. I would only be allowed in if I helped Naomi. She made me fight you. Multiple times.”

You didn’t quite know what to say to that. Part of you wanted to be mad at him for betraying you and the Winchesters, but another part of you told you that you understood. He had known Heaven his entire life, which was an awful lot longer than you knew him, let alone even lived. Of course he’d want to get back to that. Castiel didn’t seem to notice your conflict - he simply continued speaking: “I have killed you and Dean countless times.” “Well, don’t gloat.” You mumbled.

“Something about it seemed so normal,”

“Wow,”

“As if I had been preparing for it all my life.”

“Can we stop talking about you killing me thousands of times?” You interrupted, holding your hands up, telling him to shut up.

“And tell me why the men in cloaks always have

To bring me down.

Running from the

Ghosts and shadows the world just disavows.”

“I don’t understand,” Castiel frowned. “I thought you wanted me to explain.” “Well, you’re making it sound as if it is your crowning achievement.” You filled in, cringing internally at the thought of Castiel killing you over and over again.

“My point is that I hated it. I couldn’t do it.”

And that was when the cold reality began to settle in. Part of you had tried to forget the whole ordeal, leaving the part of the angel blade out voluntarily. But when he spoke his last words, cold dread began to settle in. He wasn’t fighting you to keep you off of the angel tablet; it was his intention to end it. He was going to kill you.

You swallowed harshly, your heart suddenly beating really fast. This was something that Cas did notice.

“You were going to kill us?” You asked, your voice quivering slightly. “Yes,” He admitted. “I am thankful I didn’t.” “Yeah,” You breathed, squeezing your hands together in tight fists, trying to get rid of the new-found anxiety. “You’re not that good at apologies. This somehow made me feel worse.”

“Mercy, mercy.

Show me mercy,

from the powers that be.”

He halted, looking at you for a short moment, quietly observing you. You coughed under his gaze, averting his eyes on purpose. He noticed how you slightly shrank under his eyes. He also noticed how much he didn’t like it.

“I understand.” He spoke up. “You should know that I would never voluntarily harm you, let alone kill you. That was Naomi.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “She…did something to me.” That piqued your interest. Though you definitely felt somewhat threated under his look, even as his eyes had softened, a spike of worry shot through you. “What did she do?” You asked cautiously.

The angel sighed heavily, laying his hands on the table as if he was about to tell the most captivating story ever. “Some torture device.” He spoke grimly. “It included sticking metal bars in my head.” “I’m sorry?” You squeeked out, your mouth falling open in shock.

“It included-” “No, I heard you the first time.” You quickly cut him off, shaking your head wildly.

“Show me mercy,

can someone rescue me?”

Castiel didn’t speak up. It was a hurtful notion, not because you didn’t like that he didn’t speak to you - it was because you couldn’t comfort him. Castiel wasn’t the best with words, nor comfort. Though he has adjusted significantly to mortal norms and habits in his time with you and the Winchesters, it was still extremely apparent that he had not been human at all. And how were you going to comfort a literal angel?

“Cas, I’m so sorry that happened to you.” You tried, your voice hesitant, almost afraid the speech would be dismissed by him quickly. So, when he nodded his head to you in gratitude, you were pleasantly surprised.

“It wasn’t your fault.” He added regardless. “No, but still,” You went on. “You don’t deserve that.”

He simply looked at you, causing a twinge of sympathy to run through you. Sure, what he did wasn’t okay, but you knew he was genuinely sorry. Your earlier discomfort had seemed to fade slowly, the hostility of the situation now showing that it was only you who had felt threatened in the situation. Castiel hadn’t meant to hurt, and you knew he was honest about that. Whatever he went through, wasn’t entirely his fault, even as majority still lay there.

“Thank you.” He whispered.

“Show me mercy.

Show me mercy, please.”

His voice shook you out of your thoughts, grounding you back to the bunker’s library. You offered him a polite nod, leaning back in your seat slightly. “How are you now?” You asked, a small amount of guilt creeping up on you as you realized the torture he has been through.

“The wound on my stomach isn’t completely healing yet.” He spoke in his usual deadpan voice, lifting up his blouse to show you the stab wound on his lower abdomen. You gasped at the sight, shooting out of your seat as you neared him.

“Oh, my god, what the hell happened to you?” You yelped, noting the way the wound didn’t look infected, but painful nonetheless. “The angels found me,” He explained. “Tortured me to get information out of me. It didn’t work.” “Holy shit,” You exhaled, creating a little more distance between you and the angel, minding to respect his personal space, even if he didn’t always return the gesture.”Are you alright?”

He looked down at the wound before lwoering his shirt again. “I will live.”

When that didn’t seem to satisfy you, he gave you a kurt smile. “I appreciate the concern.” “Yeah,” You mumbled. Then, he swallowed thickly, looking at you with silent remorse. “I cannot apologize enough for what I’ve done. If I could take it back, I would.” “I know.” You comforted.

“Thank you, Cas.”

“Help me, I've fallen on the inside.

And all the men in cloaks trying to devour my soul.”

“Dean doesn’t seem to give me time yet.” Cas audibly observed. “Yes, well,” You began to explain. “He’s Dean.”

He was right to not listen yet. Castiel, your friend who you’ve trusted for years now, had almost left you to die over a stupid relic. The thought stung, even after he revealed his own struggle on the matter. He was talking about lives on the line. Not his, your own.

“You did betray us.” You announced, sympathizing with Dean’s alleged words. “Cas, what you did stung. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I understand, but…” You trailed off, trying to find the right words, when - in truth - there were none. “I don’t think I’m ready to forgive just yet.” You admitted.

Cas’ face fell slightly upon the revelation, but he managed to cover it up relatively well. You couldn’t have seen it right away, but you noticed the change in his voice.

“I understand,”

“Show me mercy from the powers that be.

Show me mercy from the gutless and mean.”

You sighed at the sound. You were right not to forgive him, but you couldn’t help but feel bad for him. You walked back up to him again, hesitantly wrapping him in a hug. He loosely returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around you in silent comfort.

“Just,” You began, parting from him. “Don’t run off to somewhere right now, okay? Don’t need you to get tortured by angels again.”

Relief flooded his sense upon your words. Even though you hadn’t forgiven him, there was an understanding there. And for now, that would be enough for him. Yet, he wanted to be sure he had your permission: “You want me to stay?”

You shrugged, but couldn’t force the tiny smile off of your face. “If you wouldn’t mind.” “No,” He quickly stated. “Good.” You muttered.

“Good. You should stay.”

“Show me mercy from the killing machines.

Show me mercy, can someone rescue me?”

[cheynovak]

Brotherly Betrayal Part 2

Dean Winchester x Y/N x Sam Winchester   

Warnings: cheating, angst, hurt, ...   

Side note: English isn’t my first language.  

This part is just pure pain and angst

*Does not follow The SPN storyline * 

-- 

Recap part 1:  

Sam didn’t seek for a new romance but when he met Y/N she seemed to have everything he wanted in a girl. After introducing her to his brother they recognise immediately each other from a spicy night together years ago.   

After a year of fantasising about each other, one night they couldn’t resist the lust anymore, and give in.  Y/N decided to leave Sam, Dean can’t stand to see his little brother heart broken.  

-- 

The air hung heavy with silence, broken only by the soft hum of baby’s engine and the rhythmic tapping of Dean's fingers on the steering wheel. Sam sat slumped in the passenger seat, his eyes fixed on the road ahead, but his mind lost in the labyrinth of his thoughts. 

It had been a month since Y/N, had shattered his world with these simple words: "I'm sorry, Sam, it’s best we go our separate ways." The pain was still fresh, like an open wound that refused to heal. He had tried to make sense of it all, to find some semblance of closure, why would she say she cheated, with who did she spend the night.  

But the questions lingered like ghosts in the shadows. 

Dean glanced at his brother, his heart heavy with concern. He knew Sam was hurting, "Sam," Dean began cautiously, "you know you can talk to me, right? Whatever's on your mind, I'm here for you." 

Sam sighed heavily, his shoulders slumping even further. "I appreciate it, Dean, I really do. But I don't even know where to begin. It's like... I thought we were happy, you know?”  

Dean nodded sympathetically, his grip tightening on the wheel. He had seen Sam at his lowest, had watched him weather the storms of heartbreak before. But this time felt different. Probably because Dean felt guilty.  

"Did she say why she ended things?" Dean asked gently, afraid, his voice barely above a whisper. 

Sam shook his head, his jaw clenched in frustration. "No, not really. Just... that she hadn’t been faithful, and that said she needed space, needed time to figure things out. But I can't help but wonder... was it something I did? Something I said?" 

Dean watched the road ahead, the headlights cutting through the darkness like a beacon in the night. "I know this is tough, but you got to believe me when I say it wasn't your fault. Y/N's a great girl, but sometimes people just... drift apart. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong." 

Sam nodded slowly, his gaze fixed on the passing scenery outside the window. "I know you're trying to help, Dean. And I appreciate it, I really do. But I can't shake this feeling, you know? Like there's something I'm missing, something she's not telling me." 

Dean's heart clenched at the pain in his brother's voice, the anguish that echoed in every word. He wanted to tell Sam the truth, wanted to confess the role he had played in Y/N's betrayal. But the guilt weighed heavy on his conscience, a burden he wasn't sure he could bear. 

"Sam," Dean said carefully, choosing his words with utmost caution, "did Y/N ever mention... not being happy? Like, was there something she felt was missing in your relationship?" 

Sam furrowed his brow, his mind racing to recall the countless conversations he had shared with Y/N over the past year. "I mean, she mentioned just... you know, normal relationship stuff." 

"I need you to listen to me, okay? And I need you to believe me when I say... Y/N wasn't entirely honest with you." Sam's eyes widened in surprise, his gaze snapping to meet Dean's in the dim light of the car. "What do you mean? What did she say?" 

Dean hesitated, rubbing his neck. But he knew there was no turning back now, knew that the truth would set them free, no matter how painful it might be. ”I eh, heard her talking to Charlie before. 

His voice filled with remorse, "Y/N... she missed the intimacy, man. And when you couldn't give her what she needed, I guess, she... found it somewhere else. I'm sorry, Sam," Dean said quietly, his voice heavy with guilt, "I should've told you sooner.” 

The Impala rolled to a stop in front of a motel, its neon sign flickering feebly against the backdrop of the night sky. Sam stepped out of the car, his footsteps heavy with exhaustion and resignation. He trudged towards the motel room, his mind still reeling from the revelations of the past hour. 

Dean lingered by the trunk of the car, his eyes fixed on the dimly lit window of the motel room across the parking lot. He knew what he had to do. As Sam disappeared into the shadows of the motel, Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.  

He scrolled through the contacts until he found Y/N's number, his thumb hovering uncertainly over the call button. 

"Hello?"  "Y/N," Dean said evenly, his voice steady despite the turmoil raging within him, "we need to talk." 

There was a moment of tense silence on the other end of the line, the static crackling like electricity between them. Then, finally, Y/N spoke, her voice soft and hesitant. "Dean...What... Why are you calling me?" she asked, her words tinged with uncertainty. 

"I want you to do the right thing," Dean said firmly, his grip tightening on the phone. "I want you to give my brother another chance." 

Y/N's breath caught in her throat, the weight of Dean's words hanging heavy in the air between them. "Dean, I... I don't know if that's possible. Things became too complicated." 

Dean clenched his jaw, his frustration bubbling to the surface like a volcano on the verge of eruption. "Complicated or not, Y/N, you owe it to Sam to try. He loves you, damn it. And he deserves better than to be left wondering what went wrong." 

“Don’t blame me for everything Dean! Last I checked you were there with me.” He knew she was right, he knew that his own actions had played a role.  

"I know," Dean said softly, his voice heavy with remorse. "I know I messed up, Y/N. I should've never let things go as far as it did. But that doesn't change the fact that Sam deserves better than to be left in the dark." 

“If you really believe he needs the truth, you tell him you slept with his girl, I think he is hurt enough. ” she hangs up the phone. For a moment, Dean was frozen in place, she was right, he didn’t have the guts to tell him. Little did Sam nor Y/N knew Dean chose this motel, the one close to Y/N’s workplace.  

-- 

The morning sun cast a warm glow over the diner, its cheery facade belying the tension that hung heavy in the air. Sam and Dean sat at a booth near the window, their plates untouched as they waited for the waiter, seeing how Y/N emerged from the kitchen. 

Dean glanced up as he saw her approach, his heart skipping a beat at the sight of her. She looked tired, her eyes red-rimmed and weary, but there was a steely determination in her gaze that he couldn't help but admire. 

Y/N hesitated as she reached their table, her hands trembling slightly as she clutched her notepad to her chest. "What can I get for you guys?" she asked, her voice strained but polite. 

Sam glanced up at her, surprised but his gaze searching her face for, hoping she would meet his eyes. "Just coffee, thanks," he said quietly, his voice tinged with sadness. 

Y/N nodded, her movements jerky as she scribbled their order on her pad. "Coming right up," she said, her voice barely above a whisper as she hurried back towards the kitchen. 

Dean watched her go, his heart heavy with guilt and regret. He knew he had put her in an impossible position, had forced her to confront the consequences of their actions head-on. As Y/N returned with their coffee, Sam watched Y/N closely, his heart heavy with longing and uncertainty. "Y/N," Sam said softly, his voice tinged with desperation, "can we talk? Please?" 

Y/N's eyes flickered with apprehension, her gaze darting nervously between Sam and Dean as she searched for a way out. "Sam, I... I can't," she said hesitantly, her voice trembling with emotion. "I'm at work, and I just... I can't do this right now." 

As Y/N disappeared back into the kitchen, Sam was left alone with his thoughts.  

-- 

After her shift she walked to the nearest motel, knowing the brothers would be staying there. She saw how Sam walked out the door. Knowing him, going for a walk to ease his mind.  

The sharp rap on the door jolted Dean from his thoughts. He swung the door open, expecting to see Sam standing on the other side, but instead found himself face-to-face with Y/N, her expression stormy and her eyes ablaze with anger. 

"Y/N," Dean said, taken aback by her sudden appearance, "what are you doing here?" 

Y/N's jaw clenched in frustration, her fists balled at her sides as she glared at Dean with unbridled fury. "I can't believe you guys would show up at my work like that," she spat, her voice dripping with disdain. 

"You can't just barge in here and expect me to drop everything just for your needs," she snapped, her voice rising with each word. "I have a job to do, Dean.” "I know I messed up, Y/N," Dean said softly, his voice tinged with remorse. "And I'm sorry for that. But we need to talk. You and Sam need to. We need to clear the air, to put an end to his pain and uncertainty."  

"Okay, you want to talk.” She said still angry “Let's talk." Y/N crossed her arms. “Tell me Dean, the real reason you showed up uninvited after me telling you to let me be.”  

"The real reason?" Dean repeated, his voice steady despite the turmoil raging within him. "The real reason is because we care about you, Y/N. We care about what happens to you, and I couldn't just stand by and watch you push Sammy away." 

Y/N's eyes narrowed at Dean's response, her arms still crossed tightly over her chest. "Is that so?" she said sceptically, her voice laced with bitterness. "Or is it because you couldn't stand the thought of me moving on without you?" 

Dean winced at the accusation, the sting of her words cutting through him like a knife. "Y/N, it's not like that," he protested, “I-I’m trying to make things right." 

"And I appreciate that. But it's not that simple. It's not just about saying sorry and expecting everything to go back to the way it was, you don't get to barge into my life and expect me to welcome you with open arms after everything that's happened." 

Y/N took a deep breath “Look me in the eyes, Dean. And tell me you want me to get back together with Sam. Tell me you’re here for his feelings instead of your own.” Her eyes stared in his.  

With a heavy sigh, he met her gaze, his eyes filled with a mixture of vulnerability and determination. "Y/N," Dean began, his voice soft but resolute, "that night... it meant something to me. More than I can put into words." 

"I'm falling for you," Dean admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. Dean reached out, his hand trembling slightly as he gently cupped Y/N's cheek. "But Sam will always be my brother, Y/N, I will always put him first." he said sincerely.  

Y/N's eyes brimmed with tears "Dean" she whispered shaking her head, her voice barely audible over the pounding of her heart. “Shh.” his thumb tracing circles on her cheek as he leaned in closer. "You don't have to say anything" he said gently. 

"Y/N," Dean said softly, his voice thick with emotion, “I will push my own feelings away. Just... just give Sammy another chance.” Y/N reached out, her hand trembling as she gently brushed her fingers against Dean's hand on her face. "Dean, I ran away not because of what happened between us that night," she confessed,  

Her voice barely above a whisper. "I ran away because... because I'm falling for you, too." Dean's heart skipped a beat at her words, the realization dawning on him that their feelings for each other ran deeper than either of them had dared to admit. 

His head leaning in until it was just inches away from Y/N's. With a soft exhale, he let his forehead rest against hers, their breath mingling in the small space between them. 

"Y/N, I..." Dean began, his voice faltering as he struggled to find the right words. Her eyes brimmed with tears, her heart breaking at the pain in Dean's voice. 

Y/N's fingers found their way to Dean's cheek, her touch gentle and reassuring as she caressed his stubbled jawline. Dean closed his eyes, allowing himself to bask in the warmth of her touch, the closeness of her presence. 

 "Dean, please," she pleaded, her voice tinged with desperation. "I don't want to hurt Sam any more than I already have. But I can't ignore what happened between us. ”  

Dean's heart plummeted like a stone in his chest as he felt a cold wave of panic wash over him. Slowly, he pulled away from Y/N, his gaze shifting towards the doorway where his brother stood, his expression unreadable. 

Sam's eyes flickered between Dean and Y/N, his jaw clenched in a tight line as he took in the scene before him. For a moment, silence hung heavy in the air, broken only by the sound of their ragged breaths echoing in the small space. 

"Sam," Dean began, his voice trembling with apprehension, "I... we can explain." 

Sam's eyes betraying the storm of emotions raging within him. He took a step into the room, his gaze never leaving Dean's as he spoke, his voice low and steely. 

"I think I've heard enough," Sam said quietly, his words like a dagger to Dean's heart. "I'll leave you two alone." With a heavy heart, Sam turned on his heel and disappeared from the room, leaving Dean and Y/N alone in the wake of his departure. 

"Sam, wait!" Y/N called out, her voice thick with emotion. Sam paused in his tracks, his back still turned towards her. Sam, please," Y/N pleaded, her voice trembling with urgency. "Let me explain." 

Sam turned to face her, his eyes weary but filled with a flicker of hope. "Explain what, Y/N?" he asked quietly, “How you forget to mention you slept with my brother? That's worse than being cheated on.”  

"I'm sorry, Sam," she said softly, tears glistening in her eyes. "Sam, I..." Y/N began, her voice catching in her throat as she struggled to find the right words. "I didn't mean for it to happen. It was a mistake, a moment of weakness." 

Sam's expression hardened, his jaw clenched in frustration. "A mistake?" he repeated, his voice tinged with bitterness. "You call sleeping with my brother a mistake? But you just confessed you’re love for him!" He points at their room.  

Y/N winced at the harshness in Sam's tone, the guilt and remorse swirling within her like a tempest. "Sam, I'm sorry," she whispered, tears welling in her eyes. "I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for any of this to happen." 

Sam's gaze softened slightly at the sight of Y/N's tears, his own heart heavy with conflicting emotions. "Y/N," he said softly, his voice tinged with sadness, "I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel." 

Y/N reached out, her hand trembling as she gently trying to grab Sam's arm, but he pulled away "Sam, please," she pleaded, her voice filled with desperation. "Please don't shut Dean out. Please give me and him a chance to make things right." 

"I don't know if I can," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. 

"Sam," she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper, "do you want me to leave, tell me what I need to do, what you need?" 

Sam's gaze softened at her words, his heart aching with the pain of their fractured relationship. He reached out, his hand finding hers and squeezing it gently.  Sam replied quietly, his voice tinged with sadness, "I don't want you to leave. But I need some time to think. And then I need to talk to Dean."  

-- 

Dean and Y/N sat in silence on the end of the bed waiting for Sam to return.  

When he walked in the room Y/N gave a soft hurt smile to Sam and left the room to take a walk in the cold night. Leaving the brothers, giving time to talk.  

Sam's voice cut through the tense silence, his eyes fixed on Dean with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension. "Dean," he began, his voice steady but tinged with emotion, "I need you to promise you’ll be honest with me. I need you to tell me, everything Dean.”  

“Starting with, why... why Y/N?" 

Dean's heart clenched at the question, the weight of Sam's gaze bearing down on him. He took a deep breath. "I wish I could give you a simple answer. But the truth is... it's complicated." 

Sam's brow furrowed in confusion, his expression a mixture of frustration and disbelief. "Complicated how?" he pressed, his tone tinged with urgency.” You know we had a... a night together years before you met her, right.”  

Sam nodded. "And since the moment you introduced me to Y/N, she's been on my mind. Constantly. 24/7. I couldn’t stop thinking about that night Sammy." Dean scratched his neck not knowing is continuing was the right thing to do.  

"When Charlie came over, I overheard Y/N talking about her sex life." Sam's eyes widened in surprise, his brow furrowing in confusion. "What do you mean?" he asked, his voice tinged with apprehension. 

Dean hesitated, his mind racing as he struggled to find the right words. "Y/N mentioned how different we were. She compared the two of us." he explained carefully, "and how she wasn't really happy, now.” 

He met his brother's gaze, his eyes filled with sincerity and remorse. “And then the three of us watched a movie together. And... and when Charlie left, we stayed for another movie and then... I kissed her.” 

“Is that when...” Sam couldn’t finish that question. “No, she stopped it and took off. We were distant for a while.” Sam nodded, remembering the awkward tension in the bunker. “So, when?” Dean searched his face, trying to see if he really wanted to know.  

“The night after the bar, you two went home early together, you fell asleep when Y/N dressed up all sexy for you..." Dean began, his voice faltering as he recounted the events of that fateful evening, "I got home earlier, Y/N was in the kitchen, upset, couldn’t sleep, still in the babydoll dress.”  

Dean swallowed before continuing. “She was surprised to see I came home. I told her I didn’t sleep with that girl from the bar, I couldn’t, I thought of her all the time. And she said you fell asleep before... That's when it happened. Y/N and I... we... " 

Dean couldn't finish his sentence “Just once, Sammy.”   “Yeah,” he looked at the floor.” Because she left the day after.”  

After a deep sigh Sam continued "I trusted you, Dean," his voice breaking with the weight of his betrayal. "I trusted both of you." Dean felt his heart shatter at the pain in Sam's voice, the guilt and remorse consuming him like a wildfire. "Sam, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for any of this to happen." 

“But, you have to believe me she means more to me than just another one-night plaything. I wouldn’t have done it if it was just sex. I tried to fight it I really did. But I guess we had a little too much to drink to hold back.”  

But Sam shook his head, his gaze filled with a mixture of anger and hurt. "I don't know if I can forgive you for this, Dean," he said quietly,  

“I’m eh, going to go away for a while. I need time to think. I need you two to give me some space.” Sam said getting up ready to leave. “I’ll eh stay at Jody’s for a while.”  

Dean nodded and watched his brother leave the room.  

---

If you liked this, please check out my masterlist for other stories.

Tag list:

@yvonneeeee @suckitands33 @mostlymarvelgirl

[silver-stake-through-the-heart]

The thing, about season 6, is that for a year, Bobby and Sam hid the truth of Sam's being alive to Dean with the excuse of knowing better than him what is the best for him. He feels betrayed, he's hardly surprised by it, and he moves on.

Then Sam lies to Dean because he doesn't want him to know there's something wrong with him (his lack of soul). He feels betrayed, he's even less surprised by it, and he moves on.

Then Bobby and Sam try to convince Dean Cas is lying… but he refuses to believe Cas would. He tries to convince them Cas didn't. He rubs into their faces when Cas saves them and apologies for not trusting him enough. He keeps giving him the benefit of the doubt, even when all the evidences point toward Cas' lies… until Cas stops denying it.

Despite the least-than-stellar beginning of their relationship (Cas working with Heaven, acting as Dean's guard and almost going along with the Apocalypse plan), despite Cas' sudden departure at the end of s5, despite the fact they don't see each other for one whole year between s5 and 6, despite Cas priotizing Heaven during s6… Despite all of this Dean was dead certain Cas would not lie. Sam and Bobby? Sure. But not Cas.

You know, I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. You know, whatever it was. It might take me some time, but… I always could. What Cas did… I just can't – I don't know why. -Dean to Emmanuel Allen (spn 7x17)

[scoobydoodean]

I've suggested before that Sam's sense of empathy toward Dean's experience in hell ebbs and flows with the amount of demon blood Sam has consumed, but I also think there's something to be said for 4.11 "Family Remains" and 4.12 "Criss Angel Is A Douchebag" (where Sam starts drinking demon blood again) being back to back.

In 4.11, Dean tells Sam in shame that he liked torturing souls.

DEAN You know, I felt for those sons of bitches back there. Lifelong torture turns you into something like that. SAM You were in hell, Dean. Look, maybe you did what you did there, but you're not them. They were barely human. DEAN Yeah, you're right. I wasn't like them. I was worse. They were animals, Sam, defending territory. Me? I did it for the sheer pleasure. SAM What? DEAN I enjoyed it, Sam. They took me off the rack, and I tortured souls, and I liked it. All those years, all that pain. Finally getting to deal some out yourself. I didn't care who they put in front of me. Because that pain I felt, it just slipped away.

In the following episode, Ruby tells Sam he should just admit that he likes drinking demon blood:

RUBY Cut the head off the snake. You're the only one who can stop her, Sam. So step up and kill the little bitch. SAM Oh, I'm game, believe me. It's not the psychic thing I got a problem with. RUBY Yeah, I know what you got a problem with, but tough. It's the only way. SAM No. RUBY You know, this would all be so much easier if you'd just admit to yourself that you like it. That feeling that it gives you.

We know Ruby isn't just lying, because we can see Sam likes the power the blood gives him in the episodes like 4.15, 4.16, 4.20. He tells us outright in 5.02. Sam has moral reservations about drinking demon blood also, but part of crushing those reservations is refusing to admit that he likes the power the demon blood gives him. He has to tell himself he's just doing what he has to do. The truth though is that from the very beginning though (flashbacks in 4.09), Sam's chief motivation has been, in the face of all that pain, finally getting to deal some out himself.

RUBY I can't bring Dean back. But I can get you something else that you want. SAM And, uh... what's that? RUBY Lilith. SAM You want me to use my psychic whatever. RUBY Look, I know that it spooks you -- SAM Skip the speech. I'm ready. Let's go. RUBY Slow down there, cowboy. SAM Just tell me what I have to do.

Sam ends up rejecting Dean's experience so thoroughly because Dean acknowledged something dark inside himself that Sam can't and won't acknowledge within his own experience—that he likes what he's doing even though he knows it's wrong.