#death of the author not because i want to ignore his influence but because i am strangling him

[gins-right-tiddy]

Me @ learning the new detective conan development

[jakeshands]

stars will fall

pairing, park sunghoon x fem! reader

synopsis, you’ve had a crush on park sunghoon for the longest time. all you’ve ever wanted was sunghoon to notice you, or at least pick you out of the dozen other girls throwing themselves at his feet. you can’t believe it takes a zombie apocalypse for him to notice you.

genre, zombie apocalypse au, aouad au, strangers (?) to lovers, mutual pining to lovers

warnings, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, swearing, lots of death, minor character death, open/ambiguous ending, reader gets cut with a knife, lots of mentions of blood, stabbing, mentions of guns.

word count, 16.4k

author’s note, heavily inspired by all of us are dead, like there might be some similiar scenes from aouad in this fic😨 please enjoy reading this it was A Lot To Write. i also watched a the last of us gameplay while writing this…so theres some tlou influence in this fic as well. maybe i’ll write a tlou au who knows?! also this fic is heavily unedited, pls mind my mistakes Lol! this fic is for daphne, ily the hoonerz to my jake🫶🫶

Your life is like a wave brushing against the shoreline. It’s full of routine. It’s full of gentle actions and gentle words. It’s nothing out of the ordinary. Your life isn’t remarkable; you spend your days at school and in your apartment with your mother. You spend nights eating at the chicken restaurant your friend’s parents own. You study until you pass out. Rinse and repeat.

Your life is like a steady wave brushing against the shoreline. It’s a natural occurrence. You stay in the routine you’ve known your whole life. Wake up, take a shower, have breakfast with your mom, walk with Seeun to school, sit next to Kim Sunoo and listen in on his conversations hoping you’ll hear a word about Park Sunghoon, you sit with Seeun in the cafeteria at lunch and watch Park Sunghoon, you go back to class. After school you walk home with Seeun, study at the chicken restaurant her parents own, go to the karaoke booth next door for an hour, walk back to your apartment with Seeun, and study until you pass out. Rinse and repeat.

Today is nothing out of the ordinary. You kiss your mother goodbye and wait outside your apartment for Seeun. The door next to you swings open and Yoon Seeun steps out, a white ribbon tying her hair back. “Y/N!” Seeun cheers, reaching for your hand. “Sorry I’m late. Are you ready to go? I think we’ll have enough time to make it before they start handing out detention slips.”

You hum. “You better wish for that, Seeun. We’ve cut it close before, but never this close. C’mon, I want to at least get to school and have a few seconds to stare at Sunghoon from afar.”

Seeun giggles and you ignore her. You know what Seeun thinks of your crush, she thinks you should just confess your feelings to Sunghoon. “There’s no harm, Y/N!” Seeun’s always told you, but she just doesn’t get it. There’s so much to lose when it comes to facing someone like Park Sunghoon who was built by the hands of Earth.

Park Sunghoon is a widely-known name in the province. He’s an up-and-coming figure skater, his visuals are akin to the K-pop idols you see at university festivals, his body proportions are those of a model’s. His personality, well, that’s a part of the mystery called Park Sunghoon. His name may be widely spoken about, but no one has helpful information about Park Sunghoon. If he’s ever talked about, it’s either about his figure skating career, his looks, or his friends. Sunghoon’s never spoken to anyone outside of his family and close friends as far as you’re aware. You’ve been going to the same school as Sunghoon ever since you could remember and he’s always hung out with the same six boys.

Your crush on Sunghoon started when you were fourteen. Puberty was a crazy time for you. The girls and boys were maturing and separating into groups, it wasn’t the same anymore. You stuck with Seeun, of course, because she was the only friend you ever made. You remember the day you started liking Sunghoon with clarity. It was after school, you were at Seeun’s chicken restaurant and Sunghoon entered. He was laughing with his friends over something, and you swear you’ve never seen anyone laugh prettier than Sunghoon. It was like time had slowed as you watched Sunghoon laugh. It was then, you realized you wanted to see Park Sunghoon laugh for the rest of your life.

Too bad the world wasn’t on your side and as years passed, Sunghoon became more withdrawn and seeing him laugh became something of the past. Now, you rarely ever saw Sunghoon. The only times you were given chances to see Sunghoon was before school started and at lunchtime. You took those moments and cherished them.

You thought this year would change everything; you were assigned to sit beside Kim Sunoo, one of Park Sunghoon’s closest friends. But most of the year has passed and you haven’t said anything more than four sentences to Kim Sunoo. Darn you and your social awkwardness. Soon you’ll have to resign and admit the truth; you’re nothing more than another one of Park Sunghoon’s fangirls.

You and Seeun rush across the street and through the school’s gates hand-in-hand. Only a few minutes left until school starts and detention slips are handed out. Breathing heavily as you slow down into a walk, you glare at Seeun. “That was extremely close, See.”

Seeun rolls her eyes. “Whatever, Y/N. Let’s go find your loverboy.”

You did not get to see your loverboy that morning. You slouch in your seat that morning, pouting lightly as you drew random stars all over your textbook. You’ll always have lunchtime to stare at Sunghoon from afar and wonder what it would be like to sit next to him and listen to him laugh. Beside you, Sunoo stares out the window, sunlight washing across his face. You’ve always thought Sunoo was handsome. His visuals are sharp and fox-like, it’s no wonder he’s the most admired boy on campus behind Park Sunghoon. (He’s often referred to as the Handsome Oppa of your class.)

A chair scrapes back drawing your attention away from Sunoo. Kang Suyeon stands, her hands resting against the desk in front of her. Suyeon’s face was extremely pale and sweat dripped down the side of her face. “Excuse me, could I please go --” Suyeon couldn’t even finish her sentence because she faints and panic spreads through the classroom.

“Kim Sunoo! Kim Y/N!” The teacher gestures for you to help her lift Suyeon up. “Let’s go to the nurse’s office.” The teacher says after both of Suyeon’s arms are wrapped around your and Sunoo’s shoulders. Together, you and Sunoo struggle under Suyeon’s weight to take the fainted girl to the nurse’s office.

“Poor Suyeon,” Sunoo says gently, his eyes darting over to you, “I hope she’s okay.”

You nod slightly in response. “Me too.”

Entering the nurse’s office you freeze up -- why is Sunghoon here?

“Y/N?” Sunoo asks, looking at you questioningly. A blush spreads over your face and you stumble forward, placing Suyeon on the bed next to where another student lies, face also pale and sweating. Park Sunghoon and Sim Jaeyun stand next to the boy watching as Nurse Jeon checks whatever needs to be checked.

One look at Suyeon and Nurse Jeon glances at your teacher. “Another one?”

“What do you mean, Sooyoung?”

Nurse Jeon drags your teacher out of the office leaving you alone with Sunoo, Jaeyun, Sunghoon, and two unconscious students. Afraid to glance around the room, your eyes never leave Suyeon. Her chest rises and falls at a rapid rate, and she’s sweating more than she was in the classroom. You stare at her hands, the area around her cuticles was bleeding pretty badly. Suyeon must’ve been picking at her skin before she fainted.

“Did she also faint, Sunoo?” Jaeyun asks. “Joon also fainted. Fell right out of his seat.”

Sunoo nods. “Suyeon stood up to ask the teacher something, but fainted halfway through her sentence,” Sunoo glances at the doorway of the office and then leans across the bed Suyeon lay on, lowering his voice. “I heard a rumor a couple of days ago. Apparently, Suyeon’s pregnant.” Sunoo looks back at Suyeon, “that’s probably why she fainted.”

It’s silent for a few moments before Sunghoon snorts. “You don’t believe that bullshit rumor do you, Sunoo?”

“Hey!”

You hear a chuckle. Looking up, you find Sunghoon grinning as his shoulders move. He was laughing and your insides curl up. You’re finally hearing the laugh you’ve been dying to hear for years.

“You’ll be eating your words soon, Sunghoon,” Sunoo scowls. “Nurse Jeon will walk back in and check Suyeonie and say she’s pregnant. You’ll owe me ten thousand won.”

Sunghoon laughs again. You really like his laugh.

Suyeon jolts awake suddenly, shattering apart the joyful mood in the room as everyone jumps back. “Suyeon --” your voice stops sharply when Suyeon grips your wrist, her fingernails digging into your skin and you cry out. You use your other hand to try and pry off Suyeon’s hands but to no avail.

Another hand appears and helps pry off Suyeon’s hand. “Jaeyun,” Sunghoon calls out, “hold her down. You too, Sunoo.” He calls for nurse Jeon after, taking your wrist into his hand as blood trails down from where Suyeon’s nails had dug into your skin and drops onto the white bedsheet. His hand is warm. “You’re hurt.” His eyes dig into yours. You feel uncomfortable beneath Sunghoon’s gaze because it doesn’t hold the same warmth that was there when he talked to Sunoo.

“Right,” you say, your voice shaking.

Sunghoon leads you over to a chair as nurse Jeon subsides Suyeon with some sort of injection. Kneeling down in front of you, Sunghoon cleans and bandages up your wrist. Pressing lightly, he looks back up at you. “Replace the bandage with a new one tomorrow morning.”

“O-Okay.” You internally curse yourself. Why did you have to be so awkward around Sunghoon?

“Y/N,” Sunoo calls out, “it’s time for us to head back.”

Nodding your head, you scramble up out of your chair and step around Sunghoon. His touch burns your skin and your heart quickens. You pinch yourself. No. You weren’t dreaming but this certainly felt like a dream.

“Are you okay, Y/N? Suyeonie was gripping you really hard,” Sunoo asks, concern shining on his face.

You smile, your cheeks burning beneath his attention. “I’m okay Sunoo, thank you for asking.”

Sunoo beams. He really does remind you of the sun. “Seatmates care for each other!” Warmth floods your chest and your cheeks burn even more. Sunoo’s sincere words circle your mind even as you settle back down in your seat next to Sunoo.

—-

It was finally lunchtime. You watch Sunghoon from afar as he laughs with Lee Heeseung, throwing some food at the older boy. Beside you, Seeun admires the bandage Sunghoon placed on you. “Wow, this is like a relic, Y/N. I bet if you auction it off it could go for a high price. I don’t think anyone has ever been bandaged up by Sunghoon before.”

You huff and rip your wrist out of Seeun’s hands. “I forgot to say thank you to Sunghoon. I should probably go do that now because what if he thinks I’m impolite? Oh, I would never sleep at night if I knew he thought that.”

Seeun laughs. “Well, go on then, thank loverboy for bandaging you up. Gift him with a kiss while you’re at it.”

You scowl and take your eyes off Sunghoon. “Seeun, shut up.”

Seeun giggles and reaches out to pinch your cheeks. “Hey! It’s just a suggestion! And I didn’t mean on the lips, you crazy girl! The cheek would do just fine.”

You ignore Seeun and turn back around to stare at Sunghoon, only to find him gone. The table where he sits with his friends is abandoned and you slump, looking back at Seeun. “I missed my chance. Now he’s going to think I’m impolite for the rest of his life.”

Seeun laughs and rubs your back. “Y/N, I’m sure he doesn’t think that.”

You ignore Seeun and push the food in front of you around on your plate. “I’m doomed for eternity. He’ll probably tell Sunoo he thinks I’m impolite for not saying thank you to him and Sunoo will gossip about it and soon --”

You never get to finish your sentence because students rush into the cafeteria, terror plastered across their faces. Seconds later, you see the reason why they were terrified.

Zombies.

Zombies only ever existed in your imagination. They only ever existed in books, movies, and TV shows. Not once did you ever think you would be an active participant in a Zombie apocalypse. You couldn’t move a single muscle as you watch students around you scramble to the exit or get tackled to the ground by a hungry Zombie. Beside you, Seeun screams in terror.

The Zombies were grotesque. Their faces were mutilated; like someone had punched them over and over. Blood covered their faces, eyes were gorged out and hanging, teeth were missing, cheeks were cut open, the eyes that remained in the eyesockets were the darkest black you had ever seen, and their skin was a terrifying pale green color.

“Y/N!” Seeun screams, terrified.

You snap back into reality as the fire alarm goes off and the sprinklers turn on. You and everyone else in the cafeteria are drenched in seconds. You survey the carnage going on around you. Zombies were pouring in through every available entrance and exit. In all honesty, you believed that this would be where you would die.

Windows.

You pinpoint a window, and then a table beneath it. You could stack chairs on top of the desk. Grabbing Seeun, you both slip across the wet ground, narrowly avoiding the Zombies that were once people you knew. Seeun sobs loudly behind you, shrieking whenever a Zombie strayed too close to the both of you. Your main priority was Seeun, you needed her safe.

Reaching the window, you tell Seeun to help you push a table up against the wall. Behind you, screams of terror filled the silence. You heard snarling and bones cracking, you heard other students crying out the names of their friends dying in front of their eyes. You needed to get out. You needed to find safety -- an adult. You needed an adult.

Grabbing a chair, you climb onto the table and smash open a window. Seeun climbs onto the table next to you, her sobs now muffled by the palms of her hands. You place the chair on top of the table and step onto it peering out the window. It was safe. Far safer than the cafeteria. “You first,” you tell Seeun.

“Y/N --”

“Seeun,” you cut your friend off, gripping her tightly, “I need you safe. You’re going first.”

Seeun nods her head. “Okay. Okay. Me first.” With a shaky inhale, Seeun climbs onto the chair, grips the window pane, and pulls herself out of the cafeteria. “Your turn!” She calls out and relief floods your body. Glancing behind you, you see the carnage -- it’s a sight you’ll remember for the rest of your life.

You drop down next to Seeun and grab her hand. “Let’s go to the nurse's office,” you say to Seeun. “Nurse Jeon will know what to do.” Together you both run away from the cafeteria and out into the courtyard, not expecting other places to be swarmed with Zombies -- but they were everywhere.

You begin to wonder how this was even possible -- where did the Zombie army come from? How were they able to turn that quickly? A Zombie lunges for both you and Seeun and with a quick yank, you pull the both of you away.

“Y/N!” Seeun calls out, but you ignore her. Surely Nurse Jeon is alive. She has to be. If not, maybe you and Seeun could seek refuge in the nurse’s office. You drag Seeun toward one of the entrances to the school building, but it’s immediately blocked by Zombies. You divert to another path, but come up short and terror begins to flood your body at a faster rate.

You didn’t want to die -- you couldn’t. You still had so much left to do.

But everywhere you went, there were Zombies and at every wall, Seeun sobbed louder. Anger and terror flood your veins, it blinds you, and you take Seeun down to a quieter place. Leaning against the wall, you turn to Seeun. “Seeun --”

“Y/N,” Seeun interrupts, “it’s hopeless.”

“Seeun, don’t say that,” you say, taking her other hand into yours. “I’ll look for another way in -- surely there’s a window we can climb into --”

“Y/N!” You’ve never heard Seeun scream louder. Suddenly, you’re yanked behind Seeun and watching a Zombie tackle Seeun to the ground. The world slows. There’s a loud ringing in your ears as you watch the terror occurring in front of you. Seeun’s screaming, desperately reaching for you, but you can’t hear her. You drop to your knees and crawl forward. Tears drop onto your hands. You didn’t even know you were crying. When did you start crying?

Desperately, you try to pull the Zombie off Seeun but it’s no use. You aren’t strong enough. The world is still quiet. Seeun stills beneath the Zombie, her hand falling limply to the ground. The Zombie’s eyes focus on you and you give in. This is how you die. Abruptly, there’s another hand on your shoulder that slips down to your forearm and is yanking you up onto your feet.

“Y/N!” Someone shouts right next to you. Everything slams back in focus and you finally hear everything -- you hear someone sobbing loudly but Seeun’s dead? Who is the one crying now? You touch your face. Oh, you’re the one crying.

You’re yanked forward as the Zombie pounces your way. You stumble over your feet, but the hand on your forearm keeps you steady. You focus on your savior; silver hair, long legs, and a familiar warm grip. It’s Park Sunghoon -- what was Park Sunghoon doing?

You try to say something, but all that comes out is a sob. You don’t know what is happening. One moment you were sitting in the cafeteria with Seeun, and the next you were watching her die. Your arm hangs limp in Sunghoon’s grip as he drags you through the outside of the school. Zombies and lifeless bodies litter the ground. Loud screaming and snarls fill the air and you wonder if Seeun could make it out of this alive even if you did just watch her die. Seeun can’t be dead. Sure, you saw her arm fall to the ground, but Sunghoon had pulled you away too soon.

Seeun can’t be dead. With that thought, you rip your arm out of Sunghoon’s hold causing the older boy to top in his tracks. He whirls around, eyes wide as he focuses all his attention on you. In another situation, you would be frozen beneath this kind of attention, but right now, all you want is Seeun by your side once more.

“Y/N --”

“Seeun’s not dead. I need to go back for her.” You like to think you sound more articulate and calm, but all that comes out are sobs and jumbled-up words. You watch Sunghoon’s eyes droop in sympathy. “Seeun -- she’s not -- she can’t be --”

“Y/N,” Sunghoon takes your hand. “I’m sorry. But we have to keep moving. They’re waiting for us.” He springs back into action with you following behind, sobbing even louder. You don’t even remember how you make it into the school building. Tears fill your vision and Seeun’s death is repeated in your mind. The more you watch it, the more hopelessness fills you. Seeun’s really dead. There’s no denying it anymore. Seeun’s dead and you just watched her die.

The running stops. Sunghoon bangs on a door and it slides open. You and Sunghoon step into a familiar classroom filled with unfamiliar faces. Sunghoon drops your hand and helps whoever was behind you stack the chairs back on top of the desks keeping the door shut.

Once again, ringing fills your ears and the world quietens around you. Seeun’s death is still playing in your mind. Your eyes drop down to look at your hands, and you see the blood that wasn’t there before. You wail loudly and drop to your knees, bunching up your skirt and hurriedly scrubbing off the blood from your hands. It doesn’t work. The blood won’t come off your hands and you continue to sob.

There are voices.

“...Sunghoon what the fuck….”

“....../N? Why is she here, Sunghoon? You said you were getting…..”

“......just pick up random people!”

“….is she doing? Someone stop her, Y/N……”

Hands pull your skirt away. The rubbing stops and you look up. Sunghoon’s kneeling in front of you again, his mouth poised to speak when you shriek and scramble back from Sunghoon, your butt sliding across the floor. “Don’t touch me!”

Silence rings through the room.

You finally glance around the room. Lee Heeseung. Park Jongseong. Sim Jaeyun. Nishimura Riki. Kim Sunoo. Yang Jungwon. All of Sunghoon’s friends are gathered in one room. And now you’re here. You’re here, and Seeun’s out there. Lying all alone. You’re alive and Seeun’s dead and you watched. You watched Seeun die. Hot tears stream down your face and you desperately wipe them away with the back of your hand, not caring if blood is smeared across your face.

“Y/N,” it’s Sunoo. Your sweet seatmate settles in front of you. He reaches out and guides your hand away from your face, wiping the tears himself. There’s a gentle smile on his face. “You’re safe now.”

You ignore the purposeful cough after Sunoo’s words. You can worry about safety later -- for now, you’re in a classroom that isn’t full of Zombies. “Sunoo,” your voice cracks and you lean forward, your cheek pressed to Sunoo’s chest as he wraps you into a hug. “Seeun’s dead.”

“Oh, Y/N,” Sunoo’s hand rubs your back. “I’m sorry.”

There’s a loud bang on the door and everyone in the room jumps. Sunoo squeezes you tightly, his chest not moving beneath your cheek. The silence in the room is overwhelming. Seconds pass and there’s no other bang. “Let’s get you up, Y/N, come on.” Sunoo helps you up, wiping your face with his hands again.

Sunoo helps you to a chair, and as soon as you sit down, you notice everyone in the room looking at you. Bowing your head, the tips of your ears turn red.

“Y/N,” Sunghoon says and you peer at him. “Are you okay?”

Nishimura Riki snorts. “That’s a stupid question to ask, Sunghoon.”

“What else am I supposed to ask? ‘How’s your day going so far?’”

Jaeyun snorts, clearly amused but covers it up with a cough.

Sunghoon looks back at you, but you avert your eyes, opting to stare at your shoes instead. A heavy silence settles over the group. Noises that were still unfamiliar to you floated through the open window in the classroom. Goosebumps spread over your skin as you hear heavy footsteps run down the hallway. Everything happened so fast that you’re still running the events that lead up to this moment through your head.

The cafeteria. You were watching Sunghoon. Seeun was beside you. The Zombies came and you escaped out a window with Seeun.

The back exterior wall of a building. You and Seeun. Watching Seeun die. Sunghoon appears out of nowhere and drags you with him to some kind of safety.

The classroom. You’re with Sunghoon. And Sunoo. And their friends -- the friends everyone talks about. The world is muffled around you once more and your breathing grows shallow -- how are you supposed to get home? How are you supposed to look Seeun’s parents in the eye and tell her their daughter is dead and you watched.

“Y/N?” Sunoo’s gentle fingers brush hair behind your ear. He looks concerned as he holds your chin between his fingers. “Hey, it’s okay.” It’s not okay -- you don’t think it will ever be okay because Seeun’s gone. Your best friend is gone. And you hate how her death is the only thing you can see whenever you close your eyes.

You tune back into the conversation happening beside you. Jongseong sounds exasperated. “We’ll stay here until tomorrow. We have no plan, Heeseung. And Sunghoon decided to add one more person to our party of seven.” Jongseong sounds more than exasperated, he sounds resentful. You curl into yourself even more because it wasn’t like you asked to join Sunghoon, he was the one who pulled you away from your death sentence.

“Having Y/N doesn’t mean the end of the world, Jongseong,” Jaeyun says, sighing after his sentence. “Since Sunghoon brought her here, she’s his burden.”

Burden. That’s all you were to these seven boys. A burden. And no one wants to bear the burden.

Sniffling, you wipe your nose with the sleeve of your school cardigan and stand up. The chair scrapes against the ground and all attention is pulled to you once again. You stalk over to the corner of the classroom and slide down the wall, curling up into a ball, and pressing your face against your legs desperate to sleep because when you wake up, hopefully, you’ll be back in your seat beside Sunoo with the sun shining on your face and Seeun’s familiar giggles floating through the classroom.

—-

It’s night when you pull your face away from your legs. It’s gotten oddly quieter, the only noises are from the Zombies. Looking out into the darkened classroom, you find Jaeyun, Riki, Heeseung, and Sunoo playing a card game, using the light from the lamp outside the classroom as a way to see.

Someone drops down beside you. Park Sunghoon. He holds out half a slice of Tiramisu wordlessly. He holds the other half. You hadn’t realized how hungry you were until it was in your mouth. Instantly, you’re savoring the flavor and your taste buds are begging for more.

“How are you feeling, Y/N?” Sunghoon asks, his voice low.

You shrug. You didn’t know the answer to that question because you were feeling so much that it felt like nothing. Turning your head slightly you stare at Sunghoon, his silver hair standing out in the dark classroom. You don’t think you’ve ever seen anyone as perfect as Park Sunghoon. It was like his existence was written in the stars because no one has ever shone as brightly as he has. Sunghoon has everything anyone’s ever wanted.

“I’m sorry about Seeun,” Sunghoon says again, his eyes meeting yours.

“It’s okay,” you whisper, your finger tracing shapes on the dirty ground beneath you. Sunghoon’s uniform looks perfect like he had just put it on. His shoes, though, give it all away. They’re bloody, just like your skirt and your hands. “Can I call my mom?” You hate how your voice trembles. “I miss her. I want to hear her voice.”

“Oh,” Sunghoon glances over to his friends playing cards in the lamplight. “We don’t have any phones with us, Y/N.”

“Oh.” Your eyes burn again and you blink them away. You’re starting to grow sick of crying. “Do we know anything about this situation at all?”

Sunghoon shakes his head and his knee bumps yours. You feel the familiar warmth you felt back in the nurse’s office when Sunghoon bandaged you up.

The Nurse’s office.

“Sunghoon,” you start tentatively, his name rolling out of your mouth awkwardly. “What about Suyeon and Joon?”

Sunghoon looks at you confused.

“This morning. They both fainted and looked really pale and were sweating lots and what if they’re patient zero and one and --” Your heartbeat increases with each word you say, and it peaks as Sunghoon interrupts your sentence by grabbing your arm and peeling off your bandage.

Where there were four bloody scratches before, there was now nothing. It was as if you had never been scratched.

Your heart stills and you look up at Sunghoon who was already looking at you. “Sunghoon, I --”

A loud thud interrupts you. And another. And another. The silence in the classroom is loud. Sunghoon’s hand tightens around your wrist. Terror seeps through your blood and you adjust your position on the floor to be closer to Sunghoon.

Then, it happens all too fast; the window on the door to the classroom is smashed open and somehow, all the chairs stacked up on the table in front of the door go tumbling down onto the ground revealing a young boy. The snarling of the Zombies grows louder and the young boy, bleeding and terrified, pulls himself through the broken window of the door.

“Taki?” Nishimura Riki knows the boy. He’s looking at the unfamiliar boy with excitement, relief, and apprehension.

Turning around, the boy smiles when he spots Riki. “Riki! Hey!” He holds up his hand and waves and that’s when you, and everyone else see it. A bite. His hand is bloody and there, clear as daylight, is a bite.

Sunghoon’s hand is firmer around your wrist when he pulls you up off the ground. You keep your eyes on the scene unfolding in front of you -- Taki waving enthusiastically with a wide smile while Riki regards him in disbelief which turns into sadness.

“Taki,” Riki starts softly as Sunghoon leads you over to the rest of the group. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Riki!” Taki replies, still cheerful as ever.

The groans and snarls of Zombies grow even closer.

“Taki,” Riki says again, his voice still soft and eyes shining in the dark.

“Yeah?”

The first tear falls down Riki’s cheek. “You’re my best friend, you know that?”

“You’re mine too!” That’s when you notice it: Taki’s skin is beginning to turn green. Beside you, Heeseung and Jongseong exchange words in a low mumble.

“Sunghoon,” you whisper, “his skin. Look.”

“Y/N,” you look up at Sunghoon, his eyes rake over your face and even though you’re in the middle of imminent death, you feel warm. “Stick close.” His fingers brush over your wrist and somehow your stomach is still able to produce butterflies.

Heeseung walks closer to where Riki and Taki stand and lays a hand on Riki’s shoulder. “Riki,” Heeseung speaks, “we can’t stay here.” Behind you, a window clicks open. The tension in the room rises and you begin to feel unsettled. The groans of the Zombies are closer than ever.

“Heeseung --”

“Riki. We have to go.” Heeseung’s voice is hard and you see his hand digging into Riki’s shoulders.

“But Taki --”

“We can’t save him, Riki.”

There’s a loud snarl and that’s when you see it. One of the many Zombies crowding the door’s broken window. Flashes of Seeun’s death run through your mind and you can’t breathe. This feels all too scary and you want to escape. You want to go home. You want to be walking to school with Seeun again. You want to be fourteen and see Park Sunghoon laugh for the first time again.

“Riki? What’s going on?” Taki is confused. He doesn’t realize his skin is turning a light shade of green. He doesn’t notice the black liquid pouring out of his eyes. He doesn’t realize how black his eyes are turning. Taki steps closer as Riki and Heeseung step back.

“Taki,” Riki’s sob is heartbreaking. You hate this, you hate watching Riki have to come to terms with the fact his friend is turning into a Zombie. “You’ve been bitten.” Riki’s voice is thick as he speaks through the tears pouring down his face.

“What? No I’m not. Why are you saying these things, Riki?”

Behind you there’s movement. Glancing over your shoulder you find Yang Jungwon climbing out the window and slipping into the night.

There’s another thud and you find Taki on the ground with Heeseung gripping Riki tightly as the younger sobs loudly, adding more noise to snarling and groaning coming from the Zombies pressed up against the locked door.

In the next second, Taki is rising up from the floor and launching himself at Heeseung and Riki. Riki’s thrown out of the way and Heeseung tackles Taki down onto the floor. It’s like the Zombies are excited with the way they throw themselves at the door, eager to enter the room and take down the seven occupying the room.

There’s a flurry of movement behind you and you watch as Jongseong ushers Sunoo out the window. “You have to be careful, Sunoo,” Jongseong warns the boy, “one wrong move and you’re dead.”

Sunoo snorts. “That’s assuring, thanks, Jongseong.” And Sunoo’s gone, slipping into the night the same way Jungwon did. Suddenly, you’re being ushered forward, Jongseong’s sharp eyes slipping to you and immediate disdain creeps over his face.

“Y/N next,” Sunghoon demands from behind you.

“Sung--”

“She’s next.” Sunghoon’s voice leaves no room for argument and Jongseong huffs. You wonder how they both could be so calm in a situation like this. Behind you, you hear Heeseung grunt and Taki, the newly turned Zombie, growl. Riki’s sobs are loud and Jaeyun’s calming words aren’t doing anything to subdue the younger.

“What do I do?” You ask hesitantly, your voice quiet under Jongseong’s gaze.

“Climb out of the window and across to the broadcasting club’s room.”

Sunghoon’s hand slips from your wrist as Jongseong pulls you harshly towards the desk in front of the window. You look at him expectantly. “What?” Jongseong asks, “do you want to die?” You steal a glance at the horde of Zombies still pushing up against the door, their arms reaching through the window. You look at Heeseung, his school uniform getting torn beneath Taki’s needy hands, Jaeyun and Riki on the ground, and Sunghoon, who is behind you frowning.

When you look back at Jongseong, there’s shock hidden in his eyes. You wonder how he was able to figure out what you were thinking. You seriously wouldn’t mind dying right now. Jongseong’s reaching out and pulling you closer to him. You’ve never been this close to him. He looks extremely handsome.

“You’re not dying Y/N,” he whispers harshly, it’s hard to hear him over the noise echoing throughout the classroom. “And if you do die, it’ll be my own hands.” You never do get to ask Jongseong what he means because he’s pushing you towards the window and forcing you out. “Hold on, Y/N, and don’t look down. You’ll know when you’re at the broadcasting room because Jungwon will be waiting for you.”

The coldness of the night seeps through your school uniform. It does nothing to make the sweat on your hands evaporate, though. The ledge is not wide enough for a school kid to be inching their way across the outside of the school building. There’s little to nothing for your hands to grab onto and you don’t heed Jongseong’s advice. Looking down was your greatest mistake.

You’re so far up, and everywhere you look there’s a Zombie walking. One wrong step and you’re dead. You’re dead, and you won’t ever see Sunghoon again. One wrong step, and you’ll see Seeun again. Pushing yourself against the cool wall, you squeeze your eyes shut as tears form again. You didn’t want to be here in this situation. How did this all even happen? How did people you know turn into bloodthirsty monsters?

Opening your eyes, you see what Jongseong had meant when he told you Jungwon would be waiting for you. Light floods through an open window and there Yang Jungwon was, with fiery red hair, peering at you as he leans out of the window.

You don’t know much about Yang Jungwon; you just know the basics. He’s class president and head of the taekwondo club. He’s very good friends with Kang Taehyun and he works at a cat cafe. He’s also Park Sunghoon’s neighbor.

You inch your way over to the broadcasting club’s room, your hands sweatier than they’ve ever been. The horror that lay beneath you kept your heart rate beating at a rapid speed and kept terror streaming through your bloodstream.

Jungwon helps you into the broadcasting room, it’s much nicer in here and you spy a few water bottles resting on the desk. Instantly, you’re reminded of how thirsty you are. “Can we drink that?” You ask, making eye contact with Sunoo who spins around on a chair, his fingers fidgeting with whatever was in his lap.

“Go for it,” Sunoo says, “I think there’s enough for the eight of us.”

Riki is the next to join the three of you with bloodshot eyes and a runny nose. Sunoo, with pitying eyes, hands Riki a tissue box and gently cards a hand through the younger boy’s hair. Riki instantly melts into Sunoo’s touch and you feel your heart tugging in despair for the boy.

Jaeyun follows after Riki also looking incredibly disheveled. He converses with Jungwon in a low voice and you begin to grow restless waiting for the remaining three boys. It hasn’t even been a full day and you’re already exhausted. You’re ready for this to all be some kind of fucked up prank because you can’t take this anymore. You want to survive to see your mom again, but you’re already tired that the thought of giving yourself to the Zombies doesn’t scare you as much anymore.

Jongseong is the next to join. He doesn’t look happy, “they forced me to go. The door is about to break down and Taki’s only just been restrained --” There’s a loud cry, silence, and then a bone-shattering thud. You, along with the five boys, crowd the window and look out into the dead night. Someone’s lying on the pavement, their limbs bent in awkward angles and your breath catches.

Riki’s the first to turn away, Jaeyun following after. Sunoo’s hand snakes around your elbow and pulls you away from the window. “Come on, Y/N, let’s go sit and wait.” You could hear the desperation in Sunoo’s voice so you comply, also desperate for some sort of distraction from the fear telling you that body was Sunghoon.

“Sunoo,” you say in a hushed voice, your knees pulled up to your chest, “I was talking to Sunghoon before. We know nothing about what’s going on but what if Suyeon and Joon were the ones who started it? Think about it, Sunoo.” You were desperate to have some kind of answer because maybe then you could figure out a way to end this all, to bring everyone infected back.

Sunoo stares at you, his face morphing through many emotions. That was one thing you always loved about Sunoo, he was always transparent about how he felt. “Y/N,” Sunoo says in amazement, “oh my god. Suyeonie. She was pale, but I thought she looked kind of green, and Joon -- they were both sweating a lot and then --” his eyes drop to your wrist that was no longer bandaged.

“Y/N,” you immediately hide your wrist from Sunoo. “Y/N, Suyeon made you bleed.” His eyes meet yours and you see the fear.

“Sunoo --”

“Heeseung!” Jungwon exclaims, hurriedly pulling the oldest through the window. Seconds later, Sunghoon also lands in the broadcasting room and his eyes immediately seek you out. His and Heeseung’s uniforms were in tatters. There were big gaping holes in their blazers and buttons missing, blood covering their pants and white blouses, and their ties had been ripped off.

“Are you okay, Heeseung? Sunghoon?” Jaeyun asks, “you aren’t hurt?”

Behind them, Jongseong slams the window shut quite loudly, and follows it up with a loud shout of “fuck!” The response from the Zombies is almost instant -- they begin to snarl and groan, moving in the direction of the window that had just been shut.

Of course -- no one pays attention to that response except for Jaeyun who furrows his eyebrows.

Jungwon hands Jongseong the last water bottle full of water. “This is all we have,” Jungwon speaks gently, “we’ll need to venture out tomorrow to find supplies. We can’t stay in here forever.”

“There was plenty of food in that classroom,” Sunoo says forlornly. “Everyone’s bags had secret snacks for nighttime studying.”

“We also need a phone,” Sunghoon speaks up, “some form of communication. We’re in the dark, we have no clue what’s going on, and,” Sunghoon cuts himself off, sighing deeply, “there may be. .Infections beyond the school.”

Everyone inhales sharply, their worst fear coming true.

Jongseong slumps down in defeat, hanging his head. “Jungwon’s right. We can’t stay here forever. We have to leave and try and reach somewhere safe, like a quarantine camp. But first, we need a phone.”

“The only information I know is that Suyeon and Joon may have started the outbreak at school, but how they got it themselves is still a mystery,” Sunghoon continues, his eyes holding yours.

“How do you know that, Hoon?” Heeseung asks, resting beside Jongseong.

“Because when they were in the infirmary they were acting weird,” Sunghoon says, “before Joon knocked himself out, he was moving weirdly and always trying to bite Jaeyun and I. I don’t know much about Suyeon, but I know when she woke up, she grabbed onto Y/N and made her bleed.”

All attention is directed back to you again.

“I bandaged her up, the scratches were pretty bad. Before Taki came, I checked her wrist. The scratches aren’t there anymore. It’s almost like she wasn’t scratched.”

The silence is too loud.

“Suyeon’s fingers were bleeding,” Sunoo says in a hushed voice, “when she scratched Y/N, her blood must’ve come into contact with Y/N’s.”

“So, Y/N’s a Zombie,” Riki says.

“What?” You croak, taken aback by the accusation. “No. I’m not.”

“We don’t know that Y/N,” Jongseong backs up Riki. Of course he does. “You could be some weird evolved Zombie for all we know.”

You scowl, hot anger surging through your veins suddenly. You don’t know where the change in mood came from. “If I were a Zombie, you’d be dead already, Jongseong.”

Jongseong scoffs. “You wouldn’t even be able to land a single finger on me. I’d take you down before you even get the chance to bite me. You’re weak compared to me, Y/N.”

All you see is red. It’s like you don’t have control of your own mind as you lunge for Jongseong ready to prove him wrong. Before you could even touch the boy, an arm wraps around your waist and holds you back. You struggle in the person’s arms, and you spit at the ground in front of Jongseong. “I’ll kill you,” your mouth is moving without your consent and spitting out words you don’t want to say. “I’ll fucking kill you.” With one last struggle, you’re pushing arms holding you back from Jongseong off you. The next thing you hear is a loud thud and a groan.

Glancing over your shoulder you see Sunghoon crumpled up on the ground, the locker that stood behind him was caved in, marking how he was flung into the metal. You stop breathing and register the silence and eyes staring at you in terror.

“I think Jongseong’s right,” Jungwon speaks up. “We can’t trust you, Y/N.”

“I’m not a Zombie,” your hands clench, fingernails pressing into your palm. “I don’t even know how I did that!”

“We can’t trust you,” Jungwon repeats. “But I don’t think we should be pushing you out to be with the Zombies,” he gestures to the recording booth. “Go in there.”

“You want me in the recording booth?”

“Just until morning. If by morning, you haven’t changed or done something weird, we’ll let you out, but, if something happens overnight, we’re leaving you here for good.” Jungwon’s tone sounds final and you can’t find it in you to rebut his idea because, if you think about it logically, it’s what’s best for both you and the seven boys.

Entering the recording room with Jungwon locking you in, it grows deathly quiet. You’re alone with your thoughts for the first time today and you don’t know what to do.

—-

“Y/N.” You don’t know how much time has passed when Sunghoon steps into the recording room. Your head snaps up at the sound of his voice and immediately you’re spewing your apologies. You didn’t mean to throw Sunghoon into the lockers. You hope he’s not too injured, otherwise you won’t be able to sleep at night knowing you had hurt Sunghoon unintentionally.

Something of a smile appears on Sunghoon’s face as he sits in front of you. “It’s okay, Y/N, I know you didn’t mean to push me that hard.” His hand reaches for your wrist and you let him take it, his fingertips gently tracing the patch of skin that was once covered by scratches.

“Sunghoon?” You ask, not raising your voice above a whisper.

“Hmm?”

“Are you scared?”

It’s silent for a moment. The moonlight washes over Sunghoon’s face and you’ve never wanted to kiss someone this badly before. “Of you? Never,” came Sunghoon’s response, and your body burns. It burns so intensely you can’t breathe.

“Oh. I was asking if you were scared of the situation. Not me.”

Sunghoon looks up at you, his hand slipping from your wrist to hold your hand. “Oh. I meant what I said, Y/N. You don’t scare me.”

You smile softly. You don’t know how, but being with Sunghoon like this brings some sense of comfort to you. “Oh. Thank you, Sunghoon.”

Sunghoon smiles softly. It’s the first real smile you’ve seen on his face since this whole Zombie situation began. Warmth settles in your stomach and your shoulders sag, the weight you were carrying around slides off. “Are you okay, Y/N? How are you feeling?”

You snort lightly. ”That’s like the third time you’ve asked me if I was okay.”

“I ask because I care, Y/N.”

“Oh. Sunghoon, I--” you stare at Sunghoon, unblinking. Your stomach feels weird. It’s way too loud in the recording booth and you want out. You slip your hand out of Sunghoon’s and push your face into your legs. Did Sunghoon know about your feelings? Or was he being honest? You couldn’t believe that you were at the beginning of a Zombie apocalypse and still thinking about Sunghoon and how much you liked him.

“Y/N?” Sunghoon asks, sounding hesitant.

“I’m okay,” you mumble.

“Okay.” Awkward tension floats through the room. You don’t make any move to disperse the awkwardness and instead, you let it simmer.

“Right, I came in here because Sunoo told us the debate team was supposed to go on their annual school trip tomorrow, but obviously that isn’t going to happen, but in the classroom where they meet up, there’s a cupboard full of food and some water,” Sunghoon tells you and you don’t think you’ve ever heard him talk this hesitantly before.

You look back up at Sunghoon and instantly regret it because he’s so beautiful. “Oh. Okay. Do you have a plan yet? Am I even included in that plan? Because I can leave you all alone if you want. It might be easier since I’m probably a burden to you.”

Sunghoon stares at you. He stares at you for a long time that it becomes uncomfortable. “Do you think you’re a burden, Y/N?”

You shrug half-heartedly. “It’s easy to tell when I’m not wanted.”

“You’re wanted, Y/N,” Sunghoon says intently, his eyes never drifting away from yours.

You don’t say anything in response. How could that be true? It’s clear to see you’re a burden in the way the boys regard you, it’s clear to see you’re a burden in the way Jongseong talks to you, and it’s clear to see you’re a burden when you heard Jaeyun’s words.

“Y/N. .” Sunghoon says softly. You’ve never heard him speak like that before. It’s gentle like he’s coaxing a cat from underneath a car. It’s a comforting voice, one that makes you want to dive into and soak forever in. “You’re wanted.”

You scoff and look away, your heart tremors beneath your ribcage. Butterflies bloom and stick themselves to your gut. “How do I know you’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”

There’s a pause.

“Because I --” Sunghoon falters. His eyes slide away from your face and you feel your heart burn. “You should get some sleep, Y/N.”

“Right. Of course. Goodnight, Sunghoon.”

“Goodnight, Y/N. Sleep well.”

You don’t get any sleep that night.

—-

You’re allowed out of the recording booth when you wake up. You’re still regarded with caution, but you don’t care, you’re just glad to be out of the room. Sitting on the floor next to Sunoo, you listen to the conversation happening around you. They’re discussing a way to get to the debate room without alerting any Zombies to their presence.

“I have useful information if anyone wants to hear it,” Jaeyun says, raising his hand.

“What is it, Jaeyun?” Heeseung asks. “We’ll take anything at this point.”

“I think I know how to get past the Zombies.”

Everyone leans in and listens eagerly. “Sound attracts Zombies,” Jaeyun starts to explain. “And we’re in the broadcasting room. This is where the morning school announcements are made which means there are speakers all over school connected to this exact room. So, if we play a song, all the Zombies will move to wherever that sound is coming from. It’ll give us a clear path to the debate room.”

“I love it when you speak like that, Jaeyun,” Sunghoon comments, wearing a teasing smile. Seems like someone got a goodnight's sleep, you think bitterly to yourself. You were so sure Sunghoon was going to say something last night that was going to completely change your relationship. You were proven wrong, though.

“Someone needs to stay back though, right?” Riki asks, “because who will turn off the music?”

“I’m sure we can keep it going until it stops,” Sunoo pipes up.

“Yeah, but how will it stop?” Riki presses, “there’s no timer. It would keep on playing and we’d all go crazy.”

“I don’t think any of us should separate from the group,” Jungwon says firmly. “Separation is the last thing we want to do now.”

“What song should we play?” You ask, “because I suggest Red Velvet. Playing Zimzalabim would be so funny.”

Beside you, Sunoo giggles.

“I was gonna suggest Ring Ding Dong by SHINee,” Riki says, a wicked grin appearing.

“We’re immediately vetoing that idea,” Jongseong says, scowling in Riki’s direction.

“What about classical music?” Sunghoon asks, “that shit doesn’t get too repetitive, right? It’s just a bunch of instruments playing over and over again. No lyrics, just vibes.”

“No lyrics, just vibes,” Jongseong mimics and Sunghoon whacks him in retaliation.

“Let’s try to find some music, surely they have some in here,” Jaeyun says, standing up.

“First, I need to use the toilet,” Riki announces. “Should I pee out the window?” Riki earns disgusted groans in return and a small giggle from you.

“No. No peeing out of windows,” Jongseong says firmly. “We may be in an apocalypse but that doesn’t mean we don’t do our best to remain hygienic. We need to set up some kind of toilet, maybe in the recording booth? We’re not going to use it anymore, right?”

“I sure hope not,” you mutter, folding your arms over your chest. “Because there’s no way I’m going back in there under suspicion with it smelling like shit and piss.”

“The recording booth it is,” Jungwon says, “I did boy scouts when I was younger, let me build the toilet.”

“Me too!” Sunoo pipes up, eagerly pushing himself off the ground, “I was your group leader, remember Wonie?”

Jungwon’s smile is fond as he remembers his past memories, and together he and Sunoo begin to build the make-shift toilet. All around you, everyone falls into conversation to pass the time leaving you alone with your thoughts once more.

You begin to wonder how hard you had pushed Sunghoon to make a dent in the metal lockers to the left of you. In fact, you’re 100% certain you aren’t even that strong. You’re pretty weak so for you to be able to make a permanent mark on metal terrifies and oddly intrigues you -- what more can you do? Surely the small bit of blood on Suyeon’s that infected your bloodstream carries some kind of weird mutation causing you to be this way -- you hope you get answers soon because all this uncertainty is driving you insane.

“Get a good sleep, Y/N?” Sunghoon asks, sitting down in front of you.

“Yeah. You?”

Sunghoon hums. “The best I could get.” There’s a lull in the conversation. You immediately think back to earlier in the recording booth -- you were so sure Sunghoon was going to confess, or something because the way he was looking at you, and the way he was phrasing his words, made you believe. It made you find hope in this bleak apocalypse. “How are you feeling?”

You give Sunghoon a deadpan look. “This question? Again?”

Sunghoon shrugs. “I think it’s warranted in a situation like this.”

You smile softly. “Yeah. I suppose. And I’m feeling a bit nervous because we don’t know what’s out there. I hope Jaeyun’s right. I hope this plan works. I hope --” you sigh heavily, your chin resting on your knee.

Sunghoon reaches forward and takes your hand into his. “We’ll make it, Y/N.”

“Okay,” Jungwon and Sunoo step out of the recording booth. “Who is first?”

“Y/N,” Sunghoon says loudly, “ladies first. People who need to shit go last.”

“Riki, you’re going last then!”

“Shut the fuck up Sunoo.”

It took quite a while for all seven boys to use the toilet. After numerous rock-paper-scissor games and fights, Heeseung left the recording booth with the nastiest look on his face. “When we make it to a safety zone you all better sleep with one eye open.”

“Even me?” You ask, pouting.

“They’ll call me Misogynist Heeseung.”

“Alright, Misogynist Heeseung, do the honors,” Jaeyun gestures to the booth, “go back in there and turn on the music.”

Heeseung hisses at Jaeyun and turns on his heel, taking a deep breath before entering the recording booth once more and turning on the classical music you’d found in one of the dented lockers. With the first note of Four Seasons playing, the school speakers become a target for the Zombies limping through the school grounds.

You, along with the others, watch out the window in awe. Jaeyun was right, Zombies are attracted to sound.

“It’s showtime,” Jongseong rolls his shoulders back and rolls his sleeves up. “I will do anything to make it to the room of treasures even if it means leaving you weaklings behind.”

It’s silent. Overwhelmingly silent.

“Sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”

“Yeah,” Riki hums, “we all know you’d be the first to die.”

“We’re running out of time, let’s go already,” groans Sunoo heading over to the door. “I’m opening up this damn door and running all the way to the debate room. I am about to eat Y/N/’s hair.”

You touch your hair, frowning. “Why my hair? Why not Jaeyun’s?”

Sunoo shrugs. “First name that came to mind was yours. Okay, opening the door in 3. . 2. . 1 --”

“-- WAIT --”

Sunoo wrenches open the door.

Nothing happens.

There’s a pause in the music. And then it starts all over again.

The look Sunoo gives the rest of the group is one of pure jubilation. “Last one to the debate room is Zombie bait for our next mission!” And then he’s flying out the door, Jaeyun and Jongseong shouting after him.

“Do they think the music will drown out the noise they’re making?” Jungwon asks with a shake of his head. “Stupid. Idiots. All of them are.” He steps out the door, Heeseung following behind. Sunghoon reaches for your hand and smiles down at you. Behind you, Riki groans, “keep the heart eyes to a minimum around me, please.”

“Let’s go, Y/N.”

Stepping out, you stare around you in amazement. Zombies are desperately trying to reach for the speaker, climbing and standing on top of each other to try and satiate their hunger. At the end of the hallway stood the rest of the ground. Jaeyun was holding Sunoo by his collar.

“We have to climb up two flights of stairs,” Jungwon explains quietly, but loud enough for you to all hear over the music. “Be aware of your surroundings. There might be a few Zombies who haven’t gone towards the speakers.” With one final shared look, you begin your long ascent to the room full of food and water.

You were nearing the end. Sunghoon’s hand was tightly gripping yours and you could see your final destination in sight. You realized you truly had nothing to worry about because Jaeyun’s plan was foolproof --

And then you’re being yanked back by your hair.

With a loud shriek, you go flying backward, your hand losing Sunghoon’s. Pain explodes as you land on your back harshly. Standing above you with their hand still curled in your hair is Joon. The boy from the nurse’s office. His face is bloody and there’s a long cut down the middle of his face, the sight of it makes you retch. His eyes are the darkest black you’ve ever seen.

“Sunghoon!” You cry out, desperate to get away. Your stomach churns and you wonder why Joon specifically targeted you, and how Joon was still a functioning human. Reaching up, you try to pry Joon’s hands away from your hair, but he was too strong.

Snarling, the older boy yanks your head back harder, a harsh pulsing pain beats rapidly against your skull. Is this how you die?

“Joon?” Jake sounds astonished. “You’re alive?”

You had no clue what was going on. Fear creeps into your bloodline and sets your heart alight. You struggle in Joon’s grasp and cry out, a sob wrenching itself free from your throat. Maybe you didn’t want to die. Maybe you wanted to survive because there was still some hope deep within you that everything will be okay if you make it out of this alive. (Maybe you were feeling this hope because of Park Sunghoon.)

“Of course I’m alive, idiot,” sneers Joon, his hand tightening in your hair. “Why would they kill patient zero?”

You reach up and claw at Joon’s arm, your nails snagging his skin, cutting the boy open and he begins to bleed. “You’re such a bitch, Y/N,” Joon growls, his other hand wrapping around your neck and dragging you up from the ground, your breath hitching as you struggle to breathe.

“Let Y/N go, Joon,” Sunghoon demands, his eyes only focused on you. You feel pathetic, you’re unable to do anything -- you can’t even breathe. Maybe it would’ve been better if they left you in the broadcasting room.

“Why should I let her go?” Joon’s voice was close to your ear. You could practically taste the black blood spilling out of his mouth and onto your clothed shoulder. “She’s just like me. She’s another Zombie and you’re willingly keeping her in your group?”

“Zombie or not, let go of Y/N,” Sunghoon says, his voice low, and his eyes finally looking at Joon. He steps forward and then takes another step, and another, and another -- and then Joon snarls. It’s not loud enough to be heard over the music pouring out of the speakers, and yet, all the Zombies turn and focus their deadly black eyes on the group of seven boys, with Sunghoon in the front.

Terror floods your veins and you struggle in Joon’s grasp. You couldn’t let more people fall victim to Zombies because of you. With all eyes focused on the seven boys, a chill creeps up your spine. “One move,” Joon begins, his voice threateningly low, “and you’ll join them.”

Joon lets go of you and you instantly gasp for air, your chest heaving in delight. “You don’t believe me, do you?” Joon says, a hand reaching out to grip the back of your blouse. “Y/N’s a Zombie. The moment Suyeon’s blood entered her bloodstream, Y/N began to turn.”

“We locked her in the recording booth for a night,” Jungwon says, his eyes carefully passing over every Zombie looking at them with hungry black eyes, “nothing happened. Nothing changed.”

Joon laughs. It’s loud, but the Zombies don’t move. “But something did happen, didn’t it, Y/N?” He yanks you back towards him and you shriek, desperation filling your veins again. “What happened, Y/N?” His fingers curl through your hair, brushing it away from your face gently.

“I -- I pushed Sunghoon.” You struggle to speak, fear hindering your every move, and every word. “And he dented the lockers in the broadcasting room.”

Joon hums. “That’s an oddly inhumane amount of strength, don’t you think?”

“Please let me go,” you beg.

“Do you believe me now?” Joon asks, ignoring your begging.

“Y/N’s not a zombie,” Sunghoon says, and it sounds like he truly believes it.

“Sunghoon,” you whisper, crestfallen.

“Fine, I’ll make you believe.” Without warning, Joon’s hands settle on your chest and rip your blouse apart, your eyes widen and immediately your arms come up to cover your bare torso. One hand wraps around your neck while the other produces a knife. It’s one from the kitchen in the cafeteria and you’re paralyzed by fear.

“Watch me,” Joon growls, “or I’ll kill Y/N.”

Seven sets of eyes settle on your bare body and if this was any other circumstance you would blush. You look at Sunghoon again and it’s hard to make out what he’s feeling as he stares back at you. You want to say something to him, you want to comfort him, you want to tell him to run and leave you here, but you don’t. You feel the cool touch of a blade against your abdomen, settled just beneath your bra, and then you’re being cut open, the blade digging into your skin and you cry out.

A long line is cut into your abdomen and blood flows out of the cut. It’s dark red and it matches the blood already on your hands. You collapse to the ground once Joon lets go of you and you continue to cry, the pain overwhelming. You push your hands against the wound to stop the bleeding but to no avail.

You were dying and no one was helping you. It was a picture-perfect scenario because you did nothing to help Seeun. “I’m sorry,” you whisper to the ground. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” And then, little by little, the pain lessens. Little by little, you stop bleeding. Little by little, the cut on your abdomen heals itself.

Grabbing you roughly by the hair, Joon forces you up and your hands away from your now-healed cut. “Do you believe me now?”

You look over at Sunghoon. His eyes are wide and his mouth is slightly ajar. You don’t dare look at anyone else. For the final time, Joon lets go of you and you collapse back onto the ground. Your head pounds and your upper body feels overwhelmingly hot. “I’ll be back,” Joon warns. “This is only a warning.” He snarls again, and every Zombie in the hallway trails after him, their black beady eyes never leaving the group of seven boys.

“Y/N,” Sunghoon says, darting forward. He rushes to your side, crouching down in front of you and reaching out. You quickly back away, tears pouring down your cheeks as you keep your head down and arms wrapped around yourself.

“Leave me alone Sunghoon,” you say, your voice thick with tears. “I’m a Zombie, don’t you understand?”

“Y/N, look at me,” Sunghoon says softly, he takes off his blazer and covers you with it. “Zombie or not I still want you with me.” Hesitatingly, he reaches out to brush strands of hair behind your ear. He then cups your cheek and his thumb brushes your cheek. “Come on, Y/N, I bet you’re hungry.”

“Yeah, for brains,” you mutter under your breath, angry at the world. Looking back up, you see Sunghoon smiling. “Why are you looking at me like that?” You feel shy beneath Sunghoon’s gaze.

“I’m sure that can be arranged,” Sunghoon answers, “Jongeong’s brain can be the first to get eaten.”

—-

You reach the classroom that holds all of the debate club’s food and water for the trip they were supposed to take today. Your eyes stare at the food stacked up, and the water lying on the ground. You felt like you were in heaven.

Jaeyun’s the first to move. He darts forward, swipes the Home Run Balls, and the rest follow, squabbling over who gets what. Sunghoon nudges you. “What do you want, Y/N?”

“I don’t know,” you answer, hugging Sunghoon’s blazer tighter around you

Sunghoon smiles and steps into the cupboard. A few seconds later he reappears with a chocolate bar and water. “Here, you’ll probably need a lot of water after what happened, Y/N. And chocolate just because everyone loves chocolate.” After handing you the water and chocolate bar, Sunghoon takes some snacks for himself and leads you over to some chairs.

You both eat silently, letting the loud yet quiet voices of the others fill up the silence. You didn’t know what to say -- what were you supposed to say after a situation like that? You feel Sunghoon’s shoulder brush your’s and you instantly become aware of how close he is.

“Sunghoon?” You ask hesitantly.

Sunghoon glances over at you, humming slightly. His stare pins you to your seat. He still looks beautiful, you think to yourself, like a star. He still looks like he was hand crafted from heaven above, and he still looks so out of your league. No matter the time, no matter the place, no matter the situation, the answer will always be the same; Sunghoon will never be yours. He’s destined for things bigger than your small village, and he’s destined for someone better than you. And yet --

And yet he’s sitting next to you.

And yet his school-issued blazer is wrapped around your body.

(You remember bringing Park Sunghoon up to your mother one night. She laughs and shakes her head, finishing dishing the takeaway chicken she bought after work onto your plate. “Park Sunghoon, that boy is destined to be a star, Y/N.”

He’s out of your league is unsaid. You’re no good for him is unsaid.

“There’s no point loving someone like that, Y/N,” your mother warns gently. “He’s a star. And you know how bright they shine.”)

If this is how a star shines, you think, eyes trailing over Sunghoon, then I want him in every way possible.

“Thank you,” you say, smiling slightly.

“For what?”

You shrug and glance away from Sunghoon.

“Ah,” Sunghoon can read between the lines. He reaches for your hand and squeezes. “I’d do it again, Y/N.”

“Sunghoon?” You turn back to him. “You’d do what again?”

Sunghoon’s ears burn red. “Don’t make me say it, Y/N.”

You grip Sunghoon’s hand tightly. You don’t want to let this moment slip away like last time in the darkness of the broadcasting club’s recording booth. “Sunghoon,” you say, your eyes hold the unspoken desperation.

There’s a scrape of a chair being pushed back, and then Jongseong’s voice echoes through the room. No, you think, no, no no, this can’t be happening.

The moment is over. Sunghoon’s hand falls from your grip and you watch him slip away from you for the second time. You reach after him, but you capture nothingness.

“We need a phone,” Jongseong says, “and we need it now.”

The music flowing through the speakers shut off. An unsettling chill lingers in the room and everyone’s thinking the same thing; Joon. “We need a phone,” Jongseong repeats, “any ideas?”

Looks are shared and nothing is said. Jongseong groans, “come on. Give me something to work with here!”

“My phone,” Riki says, “it’s in Mrs. Jang’s room.”

Jaeyun snorts in amusement. “Now how did that happen, Riki?”

Riki scowls. “Apparently learning English is more important than Alice in Borderland.”

“Okay, and how far away is Mrs. Jang’s room?” Jongseong asks, looking slightly more alive ever since Riki’s announcement.

“Since we’re in the debate club’s meeting room,” Sunoo thinks aloud, “the floor beneath us.”

Jongseong looks at Riki and scowls. “And you didn’t let us know any sooner? We literally walked past her room on the way here, Riki! And Joon is probably there waiting for us!”

“No one asked,” Riki answered, “so I didn’t provide.”

“You’re going to be the reason for my death, mark my words.” Jongseong’s eyes fall on you and you feel uncomfortable. “Y/N. Joon can somehow command the Zombies to do whatever he wants, can’t you do that? Y’know, considering you’re like, half Zombie-half human or some shit like that.”

It’s a weird silence you sit in after Jongseong’s remark. “I mean. . It’s cool if you can’t though,” Jongseong chuckles awkwardly. You find you quite like this situation; Jongseong awkward beneath your bland stare, it’s a situation that should happen more often.

“Speaking of,” Heeseung pipes up, “shouldn’t we talk about what happened back there?”

“What is there to speak about?” Jungwon asks, “Y/N is a Zombie. But she’s also a human.”

“Clearly,” Heeseung responds, “we should also find Y/N a shirt, but what about Joon? How he came to be. . . That, is unknown and what he said? ‘Patient zero’? Isn’t that at least a little bit concerning?”

“Obviously Joon and Suyeon were some experiment,” Sunoo says, “gone wrong. And now everyone is paying the consequence.”

“Someone was probably trying to make a superhuman,” Jaeyun jokes, his eyes sparkling, “Y/N and Joon have enhanced strength, which is super cool, and Y/N even has enhanced healing! I would suspect Joon does too, but from his appearance. . I don’t think so.”

“Superhuman,” Jongseong mutters under his breath like it was the missing piece to a puzzle.

“Boring. Let’s talk about this later,” Riki says suddenly, “it’s getting dark. Who volunteers as tribute to go and grab my phone? It has a pink sparky case and a small little Yuuji sticker on it. From Jujutsu Kaisen. I say let Y/N go. She can self-heal and can push people off her and into lockers.” Riki winces after being on the receiving end of many glares. “Too soon for jokes?”

“It’s okay, Riki,” you wave him off, too tired to involve yourself into this conversation. “Wake me up when you make your decision, I’m feeling sleepy.”

“Right, of course,” Jaeyun hums, “obviously there are side effects. You can sleep, Y/N, we’ll make sure nothing disturbs you!”

You smile at Jaeyun, thankful.

——

When you come to, it’s pitch black. The only light source is a yellow-tinged light shining on Jungwon and Sunoo who are seated together and whispering to each other. The light is sourced from a flashlight, how they acquired said flashlight is unknown.

Sunoo catches your movements and beckons you over. You shuffle over to the two boy and carefully take a seat beside Sunoo, scared to wake up the sleeping bodies lying around the room. “Sleep well? Feeling any better, Y/N?” Sunoo’s words are kind, and his gaze is kinder.

“It was a good sleep. I’m feeling much more energized.”

“That’s good,” Jungwon says, “because Sunghoon’s the one who went to search for the phone.”

You stop breathing. “What?”

“He left an hour ago and he’s not back,” Jungwon informs you, the yellow-tinged light shining on Jungwon’s face makes the boy look older than he actually is. “Heeseung always says to not think of the worst, but I’m thinking of the worst right now.”

Images of Sunghoon lying on the ground in a puddle of his own blood flash through your mind. Images of Sunghoon as a Zombie flash through your mind. Images of Sunghoon with Joon’s hands wrapped around him flash through your mind. You can’t let Sunghoon slip through your grasp for the third and final time. You need Sunghoon safe and you’ve never needed anything this desperately before.

“I’ll go find him,” you say to Jungwon, your words oddly sounding like a goodbye. And a promise.

“Y/N --” Sunoo starts.

“Sunoo,” you cut him off. “Let me do this. Let me not feel like a burden for once.”

“Okay,” Sunoo whispers, “okay.”

You rise to your feet and pad over to the door. “Y/N,” Sunoo hisses through the dark, “be safe.”

You want to laugh at Sunoo’s words. Your palm touches the cool handle of the door and you gently slide it open, cold air from the hallway rushing into the room behind you. You begin to feel uneasy and goosebumps spread across your skin as you step out of the warm classroom and into the unknown. The last thing you see as you shut the classroom door is Jongseong staring at you.

You don’t know what to expect as you slowly walk down the dark hallway that’s only illuminated by the night sky. The moon and the stars hang above you, unintentionally guiding you to where Park Sunghoon lay. Keeping your hands pressed close to your chest and your eyes focused on your surroundings, you do your best to not bring attention to yourself by any means -- one noise and it’s all over for you. You wander down a familiar hallway that has become unfamiliar and you truly begin to question how this all happened; how easily your hometown succumbed to a Zombie apocalypse.

A loud bang shakes you out of your thoughts. It came from inside the classroom next to you and terror floods your senses. You hold your hands tighter against your chest and try to even out your breathing. There’s another bang and you quickly stride past the classroom, making your footfalls as quiet as possible.

Everything felt so off; not a single Zombie roaming down the hallway you were in, not a single Zombie chasing you down -- you were expecting the worst would come when you find Sunghoon. Your heart races at the thought of something bad happening to Sunghoon. You don’t want anything bad to happen to Sunghoon, he’s the only good thing you have left in your life right now.

You pad down the steps and enter the hallway Riki’s phone was supposed to be on. Here, you finally see the Zombies you were looking for. A sudden cold chill lays itself over your skin as you dare to enter the hallway crowded with Zombies.

Even though you know you shouldn’t, you hold your breath as you maneuver around the Zombies in complete silence. Sometimes, they let out random groans and it frightens you, but you keep your terrified shrieks contained within you. One single noise and you’re a goner.

You reach Ms. Jang’s office and a Zombie is blocking the door. Inhaling quietly, you step around the Zombie and reach for the cold silver doorknob. As you twist the doorknob it makes a shrill sound and you halt, not daring to move another inch. The Zombie right next to you lets out a groan and steps closer to you, their arm brushing yours and suddenly they’re latching onto your arm.

You can’t help it and cry out, ripping yourself out of the Zombie’s grasp and throwing yourself at the door. Growls fill the air and the Zombie in front of you begins to sniff, seeking out a smell. You could smell the death on the Zombie and begin to pray that this isn’t how your life ends -- you don’t want to be a Zombie because what happens then? You become Zombie and then what? Where does your soul go? Your conscious?

A tear trails down your cheek and the Zombie is stepping away, wandering back down the hallway and leaving you pressing up against the door, your hand curled around the doorknob. Without hesitation, you open the door and jump inside, letting the door shut gently behind you.

The first thing you see is Park Sunghoon lying on the ground, unresponsive -- but breathing. Immediately, you drop to your knees and shake the boy, “Sunghoon,” you whisper, not liking the odds of this situation. There’s a cut on his temple that’s bleeding. “Fuck sake. Sunghoon!” Your shaking gets more aggressive as each second passes and Sunghoon doesn’t shoot up, gasping for breath.

Desperate times call for desperate measures so you slap Sunghoon. You weren’t sure what you were expecting to get out of this action, but it certainly wakes Sunghoon up. His eyes fly open and his hand comes up to clutch his cheek. Scrambling to sit up, Sunghoon looks at you with wide eyes. “Did you just slap me?”

“What? Was I supposed to kiss you awake?”

It’s silent for a moment. “I mean. I wouldn’t have been opposed to a kiss, Y/N.”

You glare at Sunghoon and slap his bicep. “You are such an idiot! Why were you unconscious? And why are you bleeding? Sunghoon, what happened? We were -- I was worried.”

“Y/N, you -- you were worried?” Sunghoon asks, a little breathless.

You scowl and slap Sunghoon’s bicep again. “Are you even listening to me? What happened?”

“I got scared and fell over, hitting my head on the way down,” Sunghoon explains sheepishly. “I did dream of you saving me though, Y/N.”

“Dork. You’re a fucking clumsy dork, did you know that, Sunghoon?”

“A dork for you,” grins Sunghoon and you push him away, falling onto your bum and feeling hot, taken aback from Sunghoon’s sudden flirty nature.

“Consider us even, then,” you say, “you saved me and now I’m here to save you.”

Sunghoon’s smile is soft, a small dimple peeking in the curve of his cheek. “I have Riki’s phone, though, you ready to go?”

“What about your temple?” You gesture to Sunghoon’s head, “you’re bleeding, Sunghoon.”

“Don’t worry, Y/N, we’ll patch it up later. I don’t know about you, but I still feel uneasy being by ourselves and separated from the group. It’s better we get back quickly before Joon sniffs us out.”

You hum and stand up, holding out your hand for Sunghoon to take. His hand is warm in yours and you ignore the gentle squeeze he gives your hand as you pull open the door slowly. “Remember, be quiet,” you whisper to Sunghoon.

“Of course, Y/N.”

You both step out into the darkness.

The sight that awaits you both is unexpected. Suyeon’s body is sprawled out in the middle of the hallway, her eyes falling out of their sockets and her head smashed in. You immediately avert your eyes as your stomach lurches.

“Oh shit,” Sunghoon hisses, “her throat was slit. Gross. Do you think it was Joon who did this?” Sunghoon’s question is answered soon enough as Ahn Yujin steps out of the shadows, her black hair falling across her shoulders angellically, and bloody covering her hands and splattered across her face. In one of her bloodied hands, she holds a knife. “Oh shit,” Sunghoon repeats, but this time more terrified.

No words are spoken as Yujin charges towards you and as you push Sunghoon away. You weren’t going to let someone else die because of you. You willingly let Yujin’s knife enter your body as she flings her body into yours. You crash into a wall behind you and you hiss in pain, which turns into a bloody cough.

“Y/N!” Sunghoon calls out, but you ignore him.

“Yujin,” you croak, seeing humanity left in her eyes, “Yujin. Don’t do this.” You already know the stab wound is futile, you could feel your wound healing around the knife still stuck in your body. It’s a weird sensation, one you can’t describe.

Yujin twists the knife and you cry out, your hand reaching for Yujin’s hair you tug hard, momentarily taking the girl off guard. You push her away and rip the knife out of your stomach, blood splattering the ground and you hear Sunghoon gasp.

Yujin growls and charges again. You muster up all the strength you have and backhand her, flinging Yujin into the wall. There’s a loud crack and Yujin slumps to the ground, blood trailing down the wall to her slumped figure, her head hanging.

You reach for Sunghoon’s hand again. “Let’s go.” Sunghoon doesn’t hesitate and you both fly down the hallway, not caring if you were loud enough for the Zombies to find you.

—-

To stay the other’s were surprised that you didn’t come back with just Sunghoon and Riki’s phone would be an understatement. The bloodied knife was handed off to Heeseung, and Jungwon had simply sighed, shaking his head. “We really need to get you a new top, Y/N,” Jongseong says, “maybe like a whole pack because you like ruining clothes, don’t you?”

“It’s not like I chose to be stabbed,” you huff bitterly.

In the midst of all of this, Riki falls to his knees and cries out. Instantly, you all fear the worst. “What? What happened, Riki?” Jaeyun asks, his eyes wide and his hand coming to pet Riki’s head. “Is everything okay?”

“My Yuuji sticker!” Riki cries, “it’s not here!”

Sunoo mimics strangling the boy with wild gestures and Sunghoon snorts. “That sucks, but we got a phone for a reason. Don’t let me going unconscious for a few minutes and Y/N getting stabbed by some psycho girl to all go to vain.”

“It wasn’t a few minutes, Sunghoon!” You exclaim, whacking the boy again, “it was an hour!”

“It felt like minutes to me,” Sunghoon shrugs, “though I would love to wake up to your face more often.” The silence that follows after that declaration is awkward.

“Right,” Jungwon says, ripping Riki’s phone out of the crying boy’s hands. “Let’s see what the internet is saying, shall well?” A few seconds later Jungwon is groaning, “why is everything in Japanese? Jongseong? A little help?”

“But it’s Riki’s --” Jongseong cuts himself off as he looks at the unresponsive, crying boy curled up on the ground and Jaeyun hovering beside him awkwardly. “Right.”

“Well?” Sunoo says after a few seconds of silence, “what does it say?”

“It’s loading, Sunoo, patience,” Jongseong snaps, glaring at the younger.

“Old people are so slow,” Sunoo moans.

“You brat --”

“Translate for us, Jongseong,” Jungwon cuts off the older boy, thrusting the phone into his grasp.

Jongseong’s eyes trail over the phone screen in front of him. “Well, the electricity and power and phone service is getting cut off in twenty-one hours.” A heavy silence settles over the group, “so, that means we’ll have no contact to the outside world in twenty-one hours.”

“Well that fucking sucks,” Sunghoon mumbles from next to you.

“Hurry up then, Jongseong,” Sunoo rushes, “see who is still alive. And where the nearest quarantine zone is. I want to get out of here and see my family!”

“Alright, alright,” Jongseong sighs, “get comfortable, it’s going to be a long night. Did you happen to bring a charger with you, Sunghoon? Y/N?”

The two of you share a look. “Uh. . We were supposed to?” Sunghoon replies.

“Airhead. We have two fucking airheads in this group,” Jongseong grumbles and Jungwon comforts him with a look of amusement.

Ignoring Jongseong, you take Sunghoon’s hand into yours again. “Let’s get you patch up, dork, where’s the first aid kit again, Heeseung?” After Heeseung points you in the direction of the first aid kit, and you settle onto the floor a bit away from the group with Sunghoon, you get to work on cleaning up the cut to Sunghoon’s temple.

“How clumsy are you, Sunghoon?” You mutter, slightly amused. “How were you able to hit your head that hard?”

“I get scared easily!” Sunghoon defends himself, pouting slightly. “You would too! Being all alone, surrounded by Zombies and with the threat of a murdererous weird Zombie-person running around hanging over your head!”

You snort and shake your head, tilting Sunghoon’s head to the side slightly. “But,” Sunghoon continues, his voice more softer. “Thank you. For saving me. Twice. The slap wasn’t nice, though.”

“I was desperate, okay,” You say, scowling, “and worried. And concerned -- you weren’t waking up, Sunghoon.”

“I know. And I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize Sunghoon. This might hurt.”

Sunghoon hisses and you send him a smile in apology. “You care about me, Y/N?”

“Of course I do,” you mutter, “you are all I have left. And the others.”

“But mostly me?” Sunghoon smiles a cheeky smile and you scowl, purposefully pushing down on his cut harder.

“Don’t push it, Park.”

Sunghoon reaches up and pinches your waist, making your yelp in surprise. “Sunghoon! I’m cleaning your wound! Don’t make me make it worse on purpose!”

Sunghoon laughs. It’s the laugh you’ve been dying to hear ever since you were fourteen. His smile is wide across his and his eyes crinkle up. He really shines like a star in moments like these. You can’t help but smile, it’s all soft and fond, and love is what makes your smile curve wider. He’s a star that’s shining for you.

“I like it when you laugh, Sunghoon,” you blurt.

Sunghoon holds eye contact with you for what feels like the longest time. “I like it when you smile, Y/N. And I like it when you get so focused your tongue pokes out of your mouth. And I like it when you blow your hair out of your face. And I like your eyes, especially when you’re laughing and I -- I just like you, Y/N.” Hesitancy spreads across Sunghoon’s face and he averts his eyes, cheeks turning a soft red. “I know this is all sudden but -- but you’re not a burden, Y/N, and I hope you don’t think of yourself as one. I care about you, Y/N, and I want you with me, Y/N, that what I wanted to say that night in the recording booth. If I didn’t want you with me, then I wouldn’t have pulled you away when I did.”

The cold, jarring truth strikes you. Sunghoon could’ve left you to die, but he didn’t.

“I want you with me, Y/N, all the time,” Sunghoon admits, more certain of himself now. “So, thank you. For saving me. For patching me up. For being with me.”

“How could I not?” You respond, shaking your head and laughing breathlessly, “you’re all I think about.”

“Y/N --”

“I wasn’t joking when I said you were all I had left. Seeun’s a Zombie and my mother probably is too.” Your voice quivers and you sniff, Sunghoon’s stare getting too intimate for you, so you glance at a spot over his shoulder. “Please don’t leave me either, because I don’t plan on leaving you.”

“Y/N,” Sunghoon whispers, “why would I ever leave you?”

That’s all it takes for you to dissolve into a sea of tears. Sunghoon wraps you up into his arms and holds you close to his chest, his hand gliding through your hair, over the nape of your neck, and down your back.

“Y/N,” Sunghoon cups your chin and tilts your head up, wiping your tears away, his eyes soothe you. “I know this might be a bad time, but there’s nothing better than the present. Can I kiss you? I’ve always wanted to kiss you, did you know that?”

Your heart skips a beat. All the air is knocked out of your lungs. Sunghoon is a star. He’s unbelievable. He makes wishes ceom true. “Sunghoon,” you whisper, “you don’t even have to ask.”

Sunghoon kisses you and the world explodes. His lips are warm. Everything about Sunghoon is warm. He makes you feel warm. He makes you feel special. Sunghoon makes you feel less alone. Sunghoon settles you onto his lap, an arm slipping around your waist while the other cradles the back of your head. He keeps you close to his chest as your mouths move.

Maybe suriving the apocalypse is worth it since it brought you to the exact moment; Sunghoon kissing you.

“Wait,” Sunghoon’s pulling away, sounding breathless, “you like me too, right?”

You giggle. “I like you too, dork,” and you pull him back in for a kiss.

—-

Having a phone works wonders. Jongseong finds out where the nearest quarantine zone is, and he finds out that the apocalypse has spread throughout your small province. Jongseong also found out damning news; in forty eight hours, the school and everything around it would be blown up by bombs dropped from the skies above.

“We need to move quickly,” Jungwon addresses the group. “Today, we need to leave the school and get to the forest. From there, we’ll hopefully have some cover, and be able to reach the zone a couple hours before the bombs are expected to drop, but we have to move quickly.”

“I will move the quickest out of anyone in the group,” Sunoo proclaims confidently. “I want to get out of this hell hole.”

So with the first rays of sunlight peeking through, you and the seven boys move out of the classroom, a backpack strapped to Heeseung and Jungwon’s backs full of enough food and water to make the eight of you last the two day journey.

“At the first sign of Joon, just run,” Heeseung tells the group gravely, “we don’t have time to engage with him. He’ll be blown up shortly anyway.”

As you pass through the hallway where you were stabbed by Yujin, your hand in Sunghoon’s warm embrace, you find her body missing. You share a glance with Sunghoon but neither of you point it out the rest of the group, not wanting to unsettle the happy mood everyone was in today.

Today was full of luck. Everyone was silent and you were all able to easily slip past Zombies. The knife you hold in your free hand didn’t need to be used. Your new t-shirt was bright white and clear of blood. It made you feel good, feeling slightly clean.

You reach the school gym in no time, finding it clear of all Zombies. There, you decide to take a rest, and Jungwon decides to call Kang Taehyun. The dialing tone rings throughout the gym and it’s picked up seconds before the last dial tone rings.

“Riki?” Taehyun asks in disbelief.

“Taehyun,” Jungwon cries out, tears welling in his eyes. “You’re okay.”

“Won,” Taehyun repeats, still in disbelief. “You’re okay? Oh my god, what about the other’s --” a loud clamor takes over Taehyun’s side of the phone. You hear the familiar voices of Yeonjun, and Soobin, and Beomgyu, and Kai. The boys on Jungwon’s side of the phone all crowd around the phone and everything is a mess. (A happy mess, you think.)

After the phone call ends with promises of seeing enach other soon, Jungwon looks over at you. “Y/N? Do you have anyone to call?”

You smile and shake your head. “I have no one, Jungwon.”

“Oh, sorry I asked,” Jungwon seems a little embarrassed and you laugh him off with a wave of your hand.

“It’s okay. Thank you for asking, though.”

“You have us, Y/N,” Sunoo says with a smile. “You’ll always have us, now. Our bond is thicker than blood!”

You laugh, “thank you, Sunoo. I’m glad I have you.”

—-

It rains that night. It pours, but Jungwon doesn’t let up. Loud thunder booms through the sky and the lightning lights up the darkness. You continue to creep around the Zombies in silence, the storm masking any loud noise you make. The storm was a blessing in disguise.

You had entered the forest a few hours ago but none of you had wanted to stop, especially as it began to rain. You all wanted to reach the quarantine zone desperately, already tired from all the running and surviving you had been doing.

Sunghoon squeezes your hand. “Are you doing okay, Y/N?” His voice was close to your ear.

You squeeze back. “Yeah!” You shout over the storm, and that’s when you somehow catch a glimpse of it. A white ribbon. Your breathe stutters and you stumble over, Sunghoon keeping you upright. “Seeun,” you breathe. She moves carelessly through the forest, stumbling over like many of the Zombies you had seen do before. You face the truth you had subconsciously been denying this whole time; Seeun’s a Zombie.

Slipping out of Sunghoon’s grasp and ignoring everyone’s loud calls, you walk over to Seeun. You need to see her one last time. You need to say your apologies one last time, and if you die trying, then so be it. You reach within an arms length distance of Seeun and watch her stumble about quietly. “I’m sorry,” you shout over the storm. “I’m sorry, Seeun.”

She turns towards you and snarls, stumbling forward and stopping in front of you. She copies the movements of the Zombie who you stood face-to-face with in front of Ms. Jang’s office. She sniffs the surrounding area of your body, and then turns away. She lets you live, like that other Zombie did.

Turning back around, your eyes meet Sunghoon’s and the sympathy he holds make tears slip down your cheeks. No one says anything when you return to the group and stick yourself to Sunghoon’s side.

The further you all went into the city you grew up in, the further reality sinks in. Zombies fill every nook and cranny, and the loneliness of the city makes your skin crawl. You all push on, and your eventually have to begin to hide and use your knife as the Zombies become more ruthless and pick up on every small sound.

You grow tired, but you still push on. With Sunghoon beside you, holding you and keeping you safe every step of the way provides you with the strength and energy to push on.

“Would you believe me if I said I was looking for you that day, Y/N?” Sunghoon asks during one of your short breaks, his finger twirling your hair.

“I don’t know. Were you?” You respond, smiling.

“Well. I was looking for any sign of an adult, and also for weapons, but when I saw you, Y/N, all I thought about was keeping you alive and safe.”

You melt against Sunghoon, your head resting on his shoulder. “I like you a lot, Sunghoon,” you whisper, “and maybe if we weren’t in a situation like this, we could be going on a date right now.”

“What kind of date?” Sunghoon asks, oddly interested.

“We’d go ice skating,” you say, “because you’re good at ice skating and I’m shit. You would help me skate, and we’d hold hands, and then we’d go eat something warm and spicy. You’ll make me laugh, and I’ll make you laugh, then you’ll take me home and kiss me goodnight.”

Sunghoon kisses you temple. He doesn’t say anything and you just bask in the silence and the warmth of Sunghoon. “That’s if either of us confessed,” Sunghoon says, “because I don’t think I would’ve ever confessed.”

“Me either,” you admit. “You felt so out of my league, and I never had your attention, so the thought of confessing frightened me.”

Sunghoon laughs and you peer up at him, perplexed. “What’s so funny?”

“You always had my attention, Y/N,” Sunghoon says, and he kisses you.

—-

You reach the quarantine zone and you’re met with guns pointed at you. With your hands raised, you all shuffle into a line and are being tested with a thermometer device. It’s raining again and you shiver, missing the warmth of Sunghoon’s hand holding yours.

“What are you doing?” Jongseong asks the soldier.

“A colder temperature means you’re a Zombie,” the soldier informs Jongseong.

“But what if someone is sick?” Jongseong asks, “then what if you’re leaving someone out to die?”

The soldier smiles, but it isn’t a nice smile. “Would you like me to show you what happens when this thing identifies a Zombie, and then what we do after?”

Jongseong’s immediately shaking his head.

Sunghoon’s herded into the zone before you, and the smile he sends you is a sweet one. It calms you down as only thoughts of Joon’s words fill your head. You hope you’re able to pass this test. You hope you’re able to live a relatively normal with Sunghoon by your side.

But, luck runs out at some point.

A high pitched squealng sound emits from the thermometer device and the world shifts and everything happens at once.

“She’s a Zombie!” The soldier yells, raising his gun and pointing it at you.

“Y/N!” Sunghoon shouts, running to you, his arms wrapping you up as more soldiers swarm the area. “Y/N, everything will be okay, the device probably made a mistake, they just need to do it again --”

“Sunghoon.” You cut him off.

“No,” he says, “I can’t lose you, Y/N, you said you wouldn’t leave me.”

“I don’t want to leave you, Sunghoon,” you admit, “but I have to.”

“How are you so calm about this?” Sunghoon asks, his voice low, “I feel so desperate, Y/N, I feel desperate enough to kill --”

“I was expecting the worst, Hoon.”

Sunghoon stares at you. There are so many emotions flooding his face, your stomach churns. Suddenly, he’s ripped away from you and he struggles, calling out your name. “Y/N! I love you! I love you, and I’d save you again. I’d save you again and again if I had the choice.”

You did your best to keep your tears at bay. You couldn’t have them falling over now. You couldn’t cry. You had to remain strong, even with a gun pointed at your head.

Sunghoon breaks free from the soldier’s grasp and flings himself into your embrace again, clutching you close.

The rain falls harder, soaking you both to the bone.

“Y/N, I love you,” he kisses you so passionately and desperately it makes your heart break. “And I’ll come for you. I’ll find you, Y/N, I promise. I promise that once I find you, I’ll take you ice skating and catch you every time you fall.”

“Of course you will,” you laugh as the tears begin to fall. “You’ll always catch me, no matter what, Hoon.”

“And we’ll be the happiest people on earth, Y/N.”

“Of course we will, Hoon,” you say softly, cupping Sunghoon’s face, “you will always make me the happiest.”

Sunghoon’s ripped away from you and you instantly shiver, the cold overwhelming you. “I’ll find you, Y/N!” Sunghoon shouts, his words tearing your heart apart. “I promise I will!”

You watch as Sunghoon and the rest of the six boys are pulled away from view. You refuse to look at the others because it’ll only break your heart more.

A gun is pointed at your head.

You close your eyes.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper to whoever is listening. “Please forgive me.”

author’s note, well that was wild and crazy and goofy and im sorry if the pacing seems rushed but i wrote most of this at 1/2/3am when i was tired and sad and completely delusional. there are lots of unanswered plot points like omg what happened to joon?? and suyeon?? and yujin?? why was she so crazy🤣🤣 and how did the infection start?? and did y/n really die?? and i left some of those points unanswered in case i ever decide to write a part two in the future..Gasp😨😨 anyway. i hope u enjoyed reading this mess. i hope u love it😆😆

[soapskneebrace]

i have this fascination with price. hes sort of this unsulliable steel, consistently to nearly always making the (as the games frame it) correct decisions, even when hes playing fast and loose with the law. his plans always work, hes never truly failed in the sense of real negative consequences for a choice (until 3 but 3 was badly written and i did not like it). hes always (in the game's framing) right. he never shows a moment of weakness. i love him ❤ i want to see him suffer i want him to make an objectively wrong choice. i want that choice to have consequences that shake his steady foundations and rock him to his core. i want him to fail. is that weird? i want him to lose control of his carefully maintained stony exterior. i want to see that side of him that is barely acknowledged to be genuinely explored. i know people justify it by saying hes a military captain in a ridiculously tough branch to get into, so of course hes like that, but in real life those guys are just as human as the rest of us, just as capable of mistakes and taking fat Ls and making poor decisions. I do love his character, he is my blorbo, i just want to put him in a jar and shake him real hard. is that weird?

Deadass, when I heard what happens in mw3 (still haven't gotten around to watching it, I'm fond of my brain cells and I feel like it'll kill some of them)--my first thought was that they should've killed Price.

Price is always barely restraining himself but he manages to keep himself in check for the most part. I imagine he's learned the hard way that if he lets his feelings dictate his actions then a lot of people get hurt.

Gaz and Soap, however, do not have the benefit of his experience. Ghost does, but he doesn't wield authority like Price's, and I have the feeling that he believes the Price keeps him in check (in his origin comics, he has frequent nightmares in which he assaults and murders people, because he went through months of classical conditioning in captivity).

So, let's say Mak shoots Price dead instead. Suddenly there's no one there to guide the surviving 141. Suddenly the wealth of experience he had to offer, the instincts for warfare that he honed over decades, is gone. Gaz loses his mentor. Ghost loses the man who holds his leash. Soap loses the one commanding officer he had any faith in.

Can you feel how that would raise the stakes exponentially? Price's influence, throughout the reboot, has kept everyone in line. He knows how to break the rules effectively while minimizing the consequences. He knows how to ignore distractions. He is ruthlessly efficient, without being brutal. The other three just do not have those skills. They are not capable of doing what Price does. They have neither the experience (in Gaz and Soap's case) nor the disposition (in Ghost's case).

Price dying would send shockwaves through the 141--through the entire cast--in ways that Soap's death just does not. Soap should have been the one in Shepherd's office with a silenced gun, because assassinating a FUCKING FOUR STAR AMERICAN GENERAL IN THE PENTAGON!!!!! Is not what an experienced captain in the SAS would do, no matter how he feels!!!!!! That is what a sergeant with more aptitude than sense and an overwhelming feeling of rage and loss would do!!!!!!

Aaaaand this is a rant nearly completely unrelated to what you were talking about lol. Sorry. I do want to see that old man suffer don't get me wrong. It's just that the suffering he's been set up for now, in canon, is SO MUCH BULLSHIT.

[thegirlwhowrites642]

Hi, please free to ignore( huge fan of your metas btw)

What are your thoughts on Peter pettigrew? In swm we saw him fanboying over james to being responsible for his death. Just because he was afraid or he never really loved his friends. Many people say James and Sirius treated him shitty thats why he betrayed. Some even say he was just a tag along. Please share your thoughts.

First of all, thank you!

(also, unless they are rude, I don't ignore any questions, it might just take me two years to answer)

Peter Pettigrew

My very controversial opinion on Peter is that I love him (as a character).

To me, Peter is one of those characters who represent how Rowling's clear lack of self-awareness as a person translates in her work into her being unable to recognize her strengths as a writer. The majority of the most interesting things she comes up with are not the ones she focuses on.

And that's the case for Peter Pettigrew, who might be the Marauder with the most interesting story.

It's way too easy to reduce him to a coward as the author seems to want you to believe. And even claiming he didn't love his friends is a flattening of his character.

You can have a tendency to be influenced by peer pressure all you want but you don't become an unregistered animagus to help someone if you don't love the friend you are doing that for and you don't have a bit of courage (especially considering how long the whole thing was and that he wasn't particularly talented). He risked extremely severe consequences on his body due to the possibility of the process going wrong and he risked Azkaban for being unregistered.

That's fundamentally the opposite behavior of the one he later has with the Potters.

I also think it's important to point out how Remus is not a close relative (father, son, brother) and how the help Peter provides is not essential to Remus' survival, it's emotional comfort. The lack of necessity of the animagus matter and the easily cancellable bond with Remus increase the braveness and love of Peter's act (in contrast for example with something like what Narcissa does with her son by lying to Voldemort).

I think Peter's story is the one of someone who lost his courage, not the one of a person who never had it.

Doesn't this also make it so much more delicious how his downfall is caused by the return of a glimpse of honor?

I do agree with the fact that in SWM, James and Sirius don't treat him particularly well, especially Sirius, but I don't think they are that aware of it, especially James. They are a bit crude, and they are arrogant. They are two bright posh 16yo guys in a boarding school in the 70s. I don't expect from them a particularly high level of sensitivity in how they talk to people, especially to someone they take for granted knows to be their friend. Sirius is probably more aware of it, but I believe James to be quite unaware of himself at this point in the timeline. This is before his maturation really kicks in, his whole interaction with Lily shows a lack of self-awareness in how he talks to people (we know Lily turns him into a bit of an idiot, the problem is that he doesn't seem to be aware of it). Sirius on the other hand seems a lot more self-aware than James. A lot of people are not going to like what I'm about to say but: James is canonically a better person than Sirius.

And yet, it is abundantly clear that both James and Sirius love Peter.

James gives into Peter's hands his own life and the ones of his wife and son. Sirius gives in Peter's hands the lives of the family he chose.

In the Shrieking Shack, under all the pain Sirius has for the death of James and Lily, it is evident that there's also the pain that comes from the betrayal of a friend.

"THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED!" roared Black. "DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!" - Chapter 19, Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban

Lily herself is very attached to Peter, in her letter to Sirius, she calls him Wormy (how cute is that?). And, let's remember that she too puts her life and the ones of her husband and son in Peter's hands.

It's too easy to say Peter was just a tagalong, that they didn't love him. It incredibly diminishes the pain of his act.

I also would like to point out that Peter isn't stupid. He was a double agent, he managed to frame Sirius by using in his favor people’s low opinion of his skills (and Remus and Sirius' rocky relationship). James, Sirius, and Remus might have thought of themselves as smarter than Peter but I don't think they actually believed him to be stupid. Considering who the Marauders are, their knowing how good of a liar, and how cunning Peter could be, would be a perfect explanation of why they became friends in the first place.

Does this mean they all loved Peter but Peter only loved Remus out of his friends?

We can't really be sure of his feelings for Sirius, but the admiration he shows for James and the sense of guilt we know he has for his double agent activities don't really align with that image.

I think Peter's fear for his own life ended up winning over the love for his friends.

But why at this point? Why not at Hogwarts?

Something quite interesting is how Peter's father is the only parent of the Marauders who is never mentioned, not in the books, not in any additional material. Doesn't that align just so well with Peter always putting himself at the service of the most important male figure around? First James, and then after school, with the war going on, Voldemort.

Isn't it such a fitting image, Peter growing up without a father, with a too-cuddling mother whom he ends up resenting, faulting her for the absence of the father? It's so natural to paint him as a young man crushed by a sense of inadequacy towards an image of masculinity he idealizes but can't fulfill, supported by a society filled with a very toxic sense of masculinity and an absent father he can sew on any fantasy he wants.

When Peter was at Hogwarts, being friends with James, and being part of the Marauders, gave Peter a sense of security that allowed him to be brave enough to prioritize his love for his friends over himself.

Out in the real world, though, Voldemort is the dominant man and being positioned against the Dark Lord takes away the sense of security he had as a student. Both times Peter goes to Voldemort, he does it because he doesn't feel safe.

It's also abundantly clear how Peter's siding with Voldemort doesn't come from ideology. He becomes an animagus for Remus, he's a dear friend of Lily.

Peter dies because Voldemort doesn't trust him, and he is right in not trusting him. Somewhere in Peter, there's still the boy who risked his life for a friend.

Try to tell me this is not an interesting character.

He's still a coward overall, but a complex one.

Also, Peter Pettigrew is a clear victim of pretty privilege when it comes to the fandom. I'm ready to bet whatever you want that if he had been described as handsome the most popular ship with Sirius would be Sirus/Peter.

Actually, he didn't even have to be described as handsome, he just needed to not be described as ugly. Draco is described as having a pointy face and people have been lying to themselves claiming he's incredibly handsome for the last twenty-five years.

[charlie-lec-stories]

Hand written letters // CL16

Pairing: Charles Leclerc / Original Female Character

Summary: Y/N, a pretty cold and moody woman, has the hardest shell to break through, but Charles will take his time if he has to.

Warnings: Descriptions of child abuse, character death (not Charles or Y/N), descriptions of mental health issues.

Author’s Note: This one is kind of sad at many points, but it's a wholesome story after all. Rate: +16 (descriptions of violence)

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Cold hearted bitch", that was the most heard opinion about Y/N around the paddock and the media. When she first started driving for Red Bull everyone thought that she fitted right in with their "bad boys" particular brand, but with time, people discovered that she could be even more ruthless and mean that Max Verstappen himself, who could be extremely hurtful if he put his mind into it. Y/N literally scared people away. She didn't care about how she delivered the message as long as it was delivered and people's feelings weren't her first concern. She wasn't violent, she never raised her voice or threatened anyone, but there was this aura of danger around her that naturally frightened people. Christian Horner, Red Bull's principal, loved that. It w the perfect trait for a world champion and, to that point, competing against each other was the only way for Red Bull to compete with anyone at all. They were fully dominating the sport and things were getting boring. Max and Y/N had a good relationship with each other, but even Max was kind of scared of her, always rethinking what he wanted to say before letting anything out, which was something that he never did with anyone else.

It was common knowledge that Y/N grew up as an orphan, raised in the system along thousands of other kids like her. She wasn't open about that, but being famous means losing any privilege of privacy you have, so everyone knew where she came from. Red Bull Academy found her at 15, after she stole a car and the police had to do the pursuit of their lives to catch her. She learned to drive at 13, with one of her temporary tutors, not exactly a good guy. The sole purpose of teaching her that was to have someone tall enough to be the driver of the get-away car, and he rather have her driving than using a gun. The whole thing was shown on TV and Red Bull contacted the judge immediately to ask for her release under their supervision. She was still in the system but, in exchange for good behavior and finishing school, Red Bull would cover her whole tuition as a driver. She excelled everyone's expectations, but her interpersonal interactions were terrible. The only people she got along with were the other kids from the orphanage where she remained living in until she turned 18. Jenna was her closest friend and a terrible influence, she would constantly drag Y/N into trouble and more than once, it meant Y/N being on thin ice with Red Bull Academy. Many instructors tried to convince her to cut loose Jenna, but Y/N refused, the girl was the only family she ever had.

Charles held his first proper chat with Y/N when she moved to F2. He was 19, it was going to be his last year in the category, and she was 18, just fresh out of the system. She ignored him the first three times he tried to speak to her. He was like a golden retriever, he just wanted everyone to like him, but she was like the most feral cat on Earth. After three races without luck he gave up but, surprisingly, she was one of the firsts to approach him when his father died. She didn't do it personally, she sent him a letter, something he found rare since no one wrote letters anymore. It was handwritten and he knew she had wrote it because he had seen her lettering before. The letter was short but he found the gesture incredibly sweet. She just wrote a quote from the poet Thomas Campbell:

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die".

No condolences, no "I hope you feel better", no more words than that, hand written on an old paper and he wondered if it belonged to that notebook she always carried around. If he was correct, that made the whole thing a lot more special, she notoriously loved that notebook. He kept the letter and had it framed to hang it in his house. He tried to thank her for it, but she completely ignored him again. She was had to understand for him, nonetheless, it made her even more appealing to him. He wanted her to be his friend.

They never became friends, he moved onto F1 in 2018 and she stayed in F2 for another 3 years, replacing Alex Albon at Red Bull from the 2021 season and on. By that time, Charles was just as scared of her as the rest, but he still saw potential, so once in a while he tried to get close. He would approach her before interviews, offer her some of his lunch, ask her about her car, everything. She would just simply look at him uninterested, like he was most likely bothering her. He started noticing that she read a lot of book: poetry, history, art, technical, academic, fantasy, music. You name it, she probably read it. Charles started reading as much as he could too. It hurt him to see her alone all the time, he wanted to find something to make her click, that way he could sit next to her and keep her real company, doing something she actually likes. It took him years for her to al least answer back to some of his approaches. He started walking up to her to ask for book and music recommendations, and she seemed to engage to that easily. He would read and listen to everything she suggested as quickly as he could, and then he discussed that with her. He learned that she liked poetry, but that the academic papers related to psychology and sociology were her favorites. Charles wondered if her particular interest about society and its work had anything to do with the way she grew up. He was happy, he couldn't say that they were friends, but she wasn't pushing him away anymore and he would take that as a win.

On the summer break of her fourth year in F1, he asked her out for a drink and she said yes. He never expected her to do so, but he was glad she did, it seemed like all his persistent work finally got him into her circle of trust. It would be the first time ever they would meet outside of the paddock, and that was important for Charles. It meant progress. They went out to some pretty private bar in Monaco, Charles always careful about his words and that him got a glint of how funny and nice she could be when she relaxed and let her guard down a little bit. What started as friendly and innocent, became flirtatious quite fast. Before they knew it, they were at his apartment, making out on his bed and giggling and smiling like teenagers. They already had their shirts off and he was about to unclasp her bra when her phone rang. He told her to ignore it, kissing and biting her neck to persuade her, but she knew that the ringtone was Jenna's, and she expected nothing good from that. She sat on the bed, grabbing her phone and picking up, and Charles got the chance to look at her back in the dim light. She had marks all over it, belt marks, covering her whole. They were all old, he could tell, but there were some that looked way older than others, the unfiltered truth of how the terrible childhood she had. He understood then just how hard it must have been for her to simply trust anyone. She grabbed her shirt quickly and put it on, promising the other person on the phone that she'll be there as soon as possible. Her mood changed completely, she went back to cold and emotionless, telling him that she had to go and nothing else. He didn't get a chance to say goodbye before she was out of his room, faster than the speed of light, the sound of the front door of his apartment haunting him the rest of the night.

He spent the whole summer break holding onto his phone, waiting for a call, a text, even a social media notification, but she never contacted him. He wanted to call her, to check up on her, but he feared he could be crossing a line. He met up with Max, who was the only one that had a decent relationship with her, aside from him, and asked for advice. The Dutchman was as lost as him. It turned out that Max had encouraged her to go out with Charles, partially sure that she liked him, partially because it was hard to know for sure what went through her head most of the time. After the date, Max never heard from her and he suspected that the date just had gone bad. Charles told him that everything went great actually, still he also added about the mysterious call and how moody she was after it. They went over the numbers again, three weeks had passed and none of them knew anything at all. Worried, Max called Christian, who also confirmed that she was MIA, and since Y/N was such a private person, they didn't know who else to call for information. They had no other option but to wait for a few more days until everyone reunited at Zandvoort. Charles, frustrated, waited, but he just needed to know what happened and if she was alright. He looked at the letter hanging on his wall everyday and thought about her, about the marks, the cold look she threw everyone and how soft her gaze was that night, while she told him about her cat and the new trick it learned. She could be so endearing and kind. He thought about how gentle she was while kissing him, as if she wanted to go easy on him, to be careful. At first, he just wanted to be her friend, but after that he couldn't go back to friends anymore.

Zandvoort finally came, and Charles got there early to make sure he could catch her. He muted everyone around him, staying close to the main entrance of the paddock and waiting for her. She had to show up, Red Bull never said anything about replacing her, but after two hours, she was nowhere to be found. It didn't make any sense, she was never late. He was about to go looking for Christian to convince him to report her missing when he saw a car pulling up at the drivers' parking lot. A sigh of relief left him when he saw her came out of the driver's side. It wasn't her old sport car, the white Lamborghini, it was a BMW black SUV. He also noticed that she looked different, her hair was shorter and dyed a chocolate shade, instead of her previous long blonde; her clothes were a more smart-style, navy blue satin pants with a white blouse, not her typical tank tops and baggy jeans. She opened the back door and a blond boy not older than 10 came out, followed by an equally blonde little girl around 6 or 7. She said something to them, and after that they grabbed each other's hands and waited by the car while she walked to the other side. From the car, she brought another boy out, younger than the other two and with brown hair. Then, she moved away from the car with a baby that she carried on her arms. The older kid took a bag out of the trunk and handed it to her, she hung it from her shoulder and took the brunette's hand, while the older kid grabbed the other little kid's hand. All together, they walked to the main entrance, the kids scanning their on paddock passes themselves while she made sure they walked trough the turnstiles safely. She spotted him through the mass of people, but as quickly as their gazes met, she looked away, carrying the kids along with her on her way to the Red Bull garage.

He did a hell lot of interviews and some of them gave him the chance to cross paths with Y/N. She was like a whole new person, talking to the press in a relaxed and sympathetic manner, answering questions without looking bothered or bored. He tried to catch up with her a few times, but she slipped away every time. He found Max, who was as surprised as he was, not even being able to explain to Charles anything. They both went to Christian and he wasn't helpful at all, he told them that Y/N was the one that had to decide if she wanted to open up about everything and she didn't authorize questions about the kids to the press, so he was sure that it wasn't his place to talk about it himself. Once Friday was over, he went straight to his hotel and tried to think about what to do. He didn't want to pressure her into tell him anything, but he wanted to let her know that he was there for her. No one becomes a mother of four over-night, something must had happened. He laid in bed, thinking, until he finally came up with something. He went to his suitcase and pulled out a paper and a pen.

" Just in case you ever foolishly forget, I'm never not thinking of you".

He knew that her and the kids were staying at the same hotel as him and with new found resolution, he walked to their door and slipped the note with the Virginia Woolf quote under it. He heard some movement on the other side and the kids running around and went back to his room.

The next morning, he went to the paddock with a more hopeful aura. Maybe she would walk to him, telling him that she received his message and that she wanted to resume what they left on a cliff hanger the last time they met. She was already in the paddock when he arrived, but once again, he was completely ignored again. Kind of hear-broken, he went to his garage, where he found a note on his car:

"The hottest love has the coldest end".

Okay, it was a pretty depressive quote from Socrates, he didn't expect that, but it was still an answer, a for of communication between each other. He had to keep the conversation alive, so he ran to his driver's room and looked for paper and a pen. Thinking about everything he read before, all the books and music they discussed together, he tried to find a quote that could summarize what he wanted to tell her. He could understand by the quote that she was sad and saw no point in letting him in. He tried to think about a quote that expressed happiness and love, all at the same time, something to show her that he wanted to make her happy:

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved".

Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo, was one of those books that they particularly enjoyed together. There was no way this quote couldn't work. He folded the paper and kept it close to himself. He spent the rest of the day trying to get close to her. They bumped into each other a few times, but there was no private moment to give her the letter. Closing up to the time for Qualifying, he decided to be bold and stop looking for the right moment. They were on the round of press between FP3 and the time of truth, he was finishing up when he asked the press who they wanted to talk to next. Someone said Y/N and he ignored completely that other people asked for different drivers, he smiled from ear to ear before going to get her for them. She was a few meters away, Charles walked up to her, placed his hand on her back and told her that there were people asking for her. She murmured a soft "thanks" and walked past him. He grabbed her hand, the letter making contact with her palm and making her look at their locked hands. He wished her good look and left the paper on her hand, walking away and leaving her standing there, the little paper burning her fingers.

She was visibly affected by the note for the rest of the day, her qualification was great, as always, but the sweet and relaxed façade that she showed the day before was falling apart. Charles could see that she was trying to decide what she wanted to do and he chose to give her some space to think. He avoided her the rest of the day and tried to focus on the race the next day. He went back the hotel around 2 in the morning, after a tiring meeting with the strategy team, they definitely needed to change that team, he was doing all of the work himself at that point. Exhausted and kind of moody, he stopped on his tracks when the elevator doors opened and he found Y/N at his door, sliding a paper under it. It was like catching your parents placing the presents under the three on Christmas, like catching someone doing something naughty. She quickly straightened up and turned around to face him. Charles walked up to her, slightly caging her against the door so she wouldn't run away. She was trying to escape when he decided to let her know that the game was over, that they were solving this puzzle right there and then. He opened the door, the one she was still resting against and she tumbled backwards inside, stepping on her letter in the process.

It was a little paper, definitely from her notebook. Charles closed the door behind him and picked it up:

"(...) loved for ourselves—say rather, loved in spite of ourselves".

That was easy to understand. It was the following part of the quote he sent to her, telling him what he already suspected: She didn't believe that she deserved to be loved. While he looked at the letter, her gaze was was fixed on the ground, as if being present while he read the quote was something made her feel ashamed. They had made out before, but admitting that you have low self-esteem is a more vulnerable situation than any other Charles could think of, so he understood. Placing the letter on the table next to the door, he decided not to wait anymore, he walked up to her a kissed her, no words needed. She was kind of taken aback at first but after that first shock, she kissed back as deeply as him, her arms around him like they belong there, his hands firmly grabbing her face. He was afraid of breaking it, but he knew that they had to sort things out. He wanted something more and they couldn't grow old together solely relying on letters. He pulled away, grabbing her hand and guiding her to the bed. He laid back on it, tugging at her hand to silently ask for her to join him, which she did. With her head resting on his chest and his hand mindlessly running up and down her arm, he finally asked about the call. She barely answered him with a whispered "Jenna died" and Charles automatically placed a kiss to the top of her head. He knew that it wasn't enough to take away her pain, after all, he knew that Jenna was the only family she ever had, but he hoped that he could at least make her feel like she wasn't alone. They stayed like that for a while, until she moved her arm to reach to her back pocket, and pulled a folded paper out of it. She handed him the paper and fixed her position on the bed, hugging him at the middle and burying her face on his chest. He unfolded letter and started reading it to himself:

"Dear Y/N: I feel like I should start this letter with an "I'm sorry", but more lies it's not what you want to hear right now, so I'm going to start with a "Please, forgive me". Please, forgive me for everything I did to you over the years. Please, forgive me for forcing you to babysit me our whole lives, and please, forgive me for making you babysit my own kids too. Please, forgive me for all the times I did drugs and all the times I asked you to do them with me. Please, forgive me for ever putting you in the position of having to choose between Red Bull and me, and for every time I endangered your future with them. Please, forgive me for using you so many times, for taking your money and never giving it back, for every time I choose to stay by your side because it was the smart decision and not for love or loyalty. Please, forgive me for never being there for you, for not backing you up about the Petersons and for not being a good friend to you when you needed me to. Please, forgive me for getting pregnant 4 times and each one make you pay for the fees, for asking you for money so many times and for never try to look for something to do to provide for myself and my kids. There are a lot of things I need you to forgive me for, and I know I don't deserve it, but the thing I regret the most is what I'm doing tonight. Please, forgive me for ruining your first time ever to go on a date with someone who cares about you, for doing this the same night you go out, for probably being the reason your night is ruined now. But I have to do it today, I have to do it now, because if not, I'm probably not going to do it ever, and I can't keep going like this anymore. I can't keep going knowing that I hurt you, the only family I have. I can't keep going knowing that you hate me for everything I've done to you. I know that I don't deserve any mercy from your end, but please, don't let the kids go to the system. Please, give them the life I could never give them. Ps.: As proof of how much I mean everything I said on this last letter, I left something I stole from you when we were younger. Something that you had to make the Petersons' pay for what they did to you and that I took because I didn't want to lose my place of privilege in that house. The tape is on the second drawer. I know that the crime hasn't proscribed yet, you can still get justice for yourself. Please, forgive me for keeping that from you too. Jenna."

Charles let the letter down, a long sight leaving him as he took all of the information in. He waited for her to open up, to give some context to the letter Jenna left for her. After a few deep breaths, Y/N explained everything to him. She told him how she found out before their date that Jenna was stealing money from her, and how she faced Jenna about it. How they agued and Y/N was in a terrible mood, because the argument was distracting her from her date with him. How she told Jenna that she was a horrible person and that now that she found great people who treated her with respect - "great people" meaning Charles - she understood that she didn't need to keep up with her shit anymore. How Jenna told her to go fuck Charles and that she was a bitch for caring more about a dick than her life-long best friend. How Jenna confessed that it was her who told the orphanage that Y/N was lying when she called out the Petersons, a temporary family of them both, for hitting her with a belt and making her live like a dog. For some reason, the Petersons loved Jenna and hated Y/N, and Jenna confessed that she lied to the orphanage's director so she wouldn't be removed from that house. Y/N had filmed them with an old VHS camera, but the tape was lost and she could never show that proof to anyone.

Y/N told Charles how she yelled at Jenna and told her that she hated her. How she told her to lose her number and never speak to her again, how she told Jenna that she was an ungrateful bitch and that she didn't deserve any good in life. How she told Jenna to make her kids a favor and disappear from the face of the Earth as she walked out of the apartment, and how Jenna's painful look at her made her regret her words instantly, but her hurt and pride forced her to swallow her apology. She told him how she went back home and did what she could to feel better for their date and how she literally forgot about Jenna while she was with him. She finally told him how Jenna called her that night again, asking for her to go to her apartment because she needed to apologize to her. How she initially said yes, but once she was out of Charles' apartment, she changed her mind and went back home, not wanting to explain anything to Charles by coming back in but also not wanting to go to Jenna's. How Jenna called her again around 5 am, her words slurred, as she apologized for everything over the phone. How she drove to the apartment to find her lying on the floor of her room, how she had to keep the kids out of the place as she called the police and did what she could to bring Jenna back. How she failed and how guilty she felt about that. How she ended up taking the kids in with her and how much of a betrayer she felt when the oldest, Oliver, told her that she was a better mother than Jenna after a week living with her.

Charles listened attentively to every word she said and understood why she felt like she didn't deserve anything, and even less, with him. In her mind, Jenna died because she told her to disappear and went on date with him. She felt guilty because she was happy while her friend was back home, planning on leaving this world. Yes, her words were terrible, and yes, she crossed a line, but Jenna didn't do what she did because of her words, she did it because of her own heavy feeling of guilt. Jenna did hurt her and it was understandable if she was angry. After all, Jenna wasn't the only one who faced an abusive environment and she wasn't the only one affected by trauma. He learned that Christian and some other people from Red Bull's highest places on the chain backed her up for the custody of the kids and that she won a temporary one, and they promised secrecy about the whole situation. In one night, her life turned around and she wanted him out of that mess. She wanted to keep him safe. Charles had so much he wanted to say, he just didn't know where to start. He was sure that he loved her, it didn't matter what she said, what she thought she was guilty of. To him, it didn't matter if she made mistakes, if she regretted words, if she wasn't perfect. He loved her nonetheless, and he wanted to make her happy and help her love herself once and for all. She didn’t give him any time to day anything though, right after she finished telling him everything, she ran away from the room. Again.

The next day, when Y/N walked to her car, she found Charles standing next to it, a little paper in his hand. She walked to him and read the letter. There, she understood that he loved her, not matter what, and finally let him in, sealing a deal of a happily after-ever-after with a kiss that they'll remember till the last day of their lives. To the ground, fell the paper that meant the start of everything:

"To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god".

Jorge Luis Borges.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

It's a long one, took some time to edit it, but it's one of the saddest, most psychologically complex storied I have ever written. Enjoy!

[bbygirl-obi]

Having one of your posts appear in Tumblr recommendations is the only time the dubious algorithm actually recommended something I DO like.

Could you talk about Padme and empathy in aotc? I saw you comment on something in another post and I would love to know more

aww thank you SO much! and yes, i'd be happy to!

when i think about empathy with regards to padme amidala, i think of the four barriers to empathy, which i learned about in a course at the university of chicago called "nowhere lands: utopia, dystopia, and the afterlife of empire." we read the work of an australian philosopher called roman krznaric, who created a definition of empathy in an attempt to explain why people do or don't stand up against injustice (specifically with regards to revolutions against imperial regimes). the four barriers are both social and political: prejudice, authority, distance, and denial. i'd argue that every single one of these barriers is as work with regards to padme in this scene.

prejudice and authority both influence padme's ability to empathize with the tuskens. she is unfamiliar with tatooine and with the tuskens, and the people who are more familiar with them (anakin, cliegg, aka the authorities on tatooine culture compared to her) describe them in very prejudiced ways. this makes it easier to discount them as sentient beings. distance is also factor; padme has never had to interact with the tuskens, and she does not see the carnage and aftermath of anakin's massacre personally. this distance makes denial easier- the crime feels less tangible, so it is easier to shy away from acknowledging it, especially when acknowledging it would require her to confront feelings like guilt, fear, and horror.

it is so much simpler for padme to ignore the tuskens, a distant group of people whose suffering she never had to witness, and so much easier for her to acknowledge anakin, a friend whose distress is presented right before her eyes. she has empathy for anakin's pain, is likely grieving shmi's death herself to an extent, but she allows this empathy for someone she knows to override empathy for the entire tusken village, specifically because she does not know them. she holds more empathy for anakin than she does for the multiple innocent children--and likely also infants--that died at anakin's hands. because it allows her to maintain her current worldview, and her affection for anakin, and it absolves her of any moral responsibility without leaving behind any uncomfortable feelings like guilt. every single barrier to empathy makes it easier and more comfortable for padme to ignore the tuskens' suffering and death. and so that's exactly what she does.

it's very interesting to me that padme's reaction to anakin is almost entirely about herself, not about him. she wants to maintain her own comfort. she wants to preserve her affection and respect for anakin rather than challenging her opinion of him. she likes his friendship, she likes how he makes her feel, and she doesn't want to risk losing it by angering him (disagreeing with him or reporting him to the jedi). it is easier to partake in anakin's racism towards indigenous occupants of a planet than it is to acknowledge that her friend is a prejudiced murderer and that she is party to a massacre. she wants to acknowledge her own grief for shmi and for her friend, while disregarding the pain and grief of those who were hurt because of it. she wants to absolve herself of any guilt related to her own role in facilitating anakin's return to tatooine. (her own attraction to anakin is also more about herself- her girlhood, her lack of identity, her obligation to be selfless in every aspect of her life- than it is about him. but that's a separate essay!)

this scene in attack of the clones is a fascinating juxtaposition to padme's role throughout the rest of the prequels as a proponent of democracy and of justice. and it's so incredibly realistic. padme will fight for ideals; she will fight for the nebulous ideals of democracy and freedom and peace, and she will fight for her planet of naboo. and when she does, the benefit to the galaxy as a whole is massive. there is absolutely no denying that padme's career was a tremendous force for good overall. but attack of the clones shows the limits of padme's empathy and righteousness, and that limit is with anakin in particular.

we spend a lot of time in this fandom discussing how anakin consistently puts padme above the greater good, but this is a striking example of padme doing the exact same thing. it proves that even the most striven, empathetic proponents of justice have limits to both empathy and justice that are selfish and very human. and it raises excellent questions about how to weigh the good someone does with regards to the harm they are willing to condone.

idk padme is just so fascinating and i wish i could crack open her brain and study it in a petri dish. she embodies so many amazing parallels to both the blessings and inevitable pitfalls of real-world activism and justice.

[rainbowolfe]

May I say that I think about the fact Kallamar claims he didn't want to banish the Red Crown WAY too much? Like, sure, it could've easily been a lie no doubt about that. But. If it wasn't, that's super interesting. The primary reason was the problem with resurrection existing, right? And Kallamar is shown to be terrified of death (and purgatory), although how much that has to do with death itself vs his issues with the Red Crown can absolutely be debated.

Either way, it's Interesting. He fears the Red Crown heavily, yet didn't agree with casting it out. Was it due to the fact he feared death more than the crown (assuming his fear of death isn't Due To the crown) or was he close to Narinder in a way he could ignore the resurrection thing? Could he have had no problems with it in general even??

Plus since if it isn't a lie, the fact he focuses on that instead of the lamb's genocide, to me, enforces the idea he definitely played a part in it. Which was definitely the most logical thing based on his dialogue during the intro, sure, but it's still something I noticed.

I do wonder what it would imply if he IS lying, though. Like, presumably the Red Crown (or He Who Waits), if he's trying to take to it, would know if Kallamar was involved or not. Why would he bring that up with The Lamb staring him down? Is he that freaked out (presumably by the Red Crown, since that seems to be what he's worrying about in this case) he just spit out the first thing he could think of to try and save his skin? Or does he think The Lamb is mad about the Red Crown's banishment and is trying to appease them on that front, instead of the slaughter of their kin??

I'm not sure if this makes any sense I'm just kinda spitting out words-

I think a lot about Kallamar, anon.... more than I probably should. Grade A squid brain rot. It's a shame how disliked he is.

To me, Kallamar reads as complicit. Sure, maybe he really didn't want to kill all the sheep or banish TOWW, but he was still an active participant. It's a very manipulative type of "you made me do it".

It's interesting; because there's cut dialogue from Kallamar where he actually does try to appeal to Lamb. He says he tried to tell the others that genociding sheep wasn't a good plan. but they wouldn't listen to him.

But one thing for sure, is that Kallamar sees the Red Crown and Narinder as separate entities. I wrote something up about it once, I should make a masterpost of my theories... With Shamura basically out of commission, Kallamar's the next in line in terms of experience, so there's probably something about the crowns that he (and conscious-Shamura) understand that his younger siblings don't.

So when Kallamar begs the Red Crown for mercy, I think that's exactly who he's addressing. He knows it wasn't the vessel under the crown that trapped him. It was who was in the crown—and there is someone in the Red Crown.

There's someone inside each of the crowns. There's little hints that that's the case spread about, but the most obvious one is when their purged statues begin to cry black tears from their crowns. Chemach in particular also addresses the Red Crown and Lamb separately.

The anatomy of the lamb merch would imply that the crowns shape and influence their wearers to fall in line with the desires of other gods. Some people can resist it, but others, like a sheep, may not be able to. While Leshy and Heket are, for the most part, in line with their crown, Shamura and Kallamar visibly aren't.

Shamura obviously bounces back and forth between incoherent, repetitive riddles and becoming lucid enough to wallow in a millennia of guilt. (Note: as a follower, Shamura speaks primarily in rhymes, so that would mean that the exposition dialogue regarding Narinder isn't completely their own thoughts). But Kallamar also has a dichotomy to him: the side of him that speaks with confidence and authority, and the side of him that's basically begging Lamb to leave him alone every chance he gets.

Oh, oh, figuring it out as I'm typing this. He's appealing to the crown because it doesn't matter what Lamb thinks. The crown will override it. The crowns most likely aren't set in stone and their "opinions" can be changed, which would then change the actions of the wearer:

If you think about it, if Shamura didn't go out of their way to tell Lamb all the family-business, we'd only know two things about Narinder's personal relationships: 1) That Shamura loved him the most, and 2) Kallamar is his brother.

For all the negative things Narinder has to say about Kallamar, he's yet to disown the pathetic little squid. And he admits that Kallamar's temple was beautiful. And that seems important, as the beauty of his own (former) temple is something Narinder harps on more than a few times.

[distort-opia]

Hi!

I love your meta posts and I was curious about your opinions on the killing joke’s adaptions, I’m talking mainly about the movie and the novel.

Something that really bugs me is the way the story is considered, rightfully, misogynistic in its treatment of Barbara but every sigle time someone tries to “fix” it they are only capable of making it even worse.

I read the novel version recently and it was so bad 😭 not only they added an incel type character that Joker recruits (he straight up says “nice guys like us”, which is just cringe but at least he was being manipulative here) and made him witness Barbara’s torture (btw she forgives him at the end of the story…), they also strongly implied that she was raped and generally made the whole thing even more humiliating by setting up a camera that live shared a video of her, while naked and bleeding to death, all over Gotham ( coupled with disgusting comments on how the footage looks at first like a porn). These exemples are just the tip of the iceberg! The book is filled with sexualised female characters, sexist remarks and the decision to add Harley just to paint her as a dumb horny woman surrounded by incompetent people that ignore the fact that she is clearly having sex with her patient.

At the end, the authors have the nerve to dedicate the novel to women…

I feel like this is the same thing that happened with modern versions of Jarley, they just write Joker more and more abusive and Harley without any kind of agency (ex. the new origin story with the bleached skin…ugh) to make her story more feminist. At this point It’s not even funny to read a comic that feature both of them :(

Sorry for sending you such a negative ask 🥲

To conclude on a more positive note, I love your fics and I can’t wait to read more! 💞

To be honest I don't have much to add, I entirely agree! You've written great commentary. I also did not even read the novel adaptation of TKJ precisely for the reasons you outlined; I was told how shitty it was. But fucking hell, I did not know the full extent of it. As you said, they keep trying to "fix" Barbara's treatment in TKJ but they just keep making it so much worse... And a similar thing is happening with Harley, because DC wants her to be a hero now-- so her previously darker traits must be either erased or completely attributed to Joker's Evil, Abusive influence. It's indeed pretty infuriating, both for Harley fans and Joker fans.

(And thank you, glad you like my writing!)

[ilynpilled]

Why does Jaime not fit as Tywin's heir, or it's not in his nature -- as you say. Very interesting stuff.

Jaime is a very romantic character. Tywin can be delusional too (not that this is synonymous with romantic), to absurd levels, trying to achieve an idealized legacy, but he is not an idealist in the way that Jaime is at all. They also have very distinct values and ways of looking and reacting to the world. Remember when he told Jaime this:

"You cannot eat love, nor buy a horse with it, nor warm your halls on a cold night," she heard him tell Jaime once, when her brother had been no older than Tommen.

It is such a deeply funny line to me. It is at the core of how Tywin seems to operate as an individual. And he is telling this to the character named J’aime. The character whose actions are always driven by some aspect of love: be it love that is destructive and prejudiced, or love that is beautiful and altruistic. Like one of his defining character thesis statements is: “The things I do for love.” The point is that Jaime was always a character with a romantic view of things, especially at the start. His feigned cynicism and nihilism cannot even hide this aspect of his character once we finally get into his disillusioned and blackpilled head. Even when you read the prose in his chapters his descriptions are laced with romantic language. Tywin is so caught up with the image of Jaime, the ideal masculine archetype, that he completely ignores the major issues present with Jaime’s nature and how incompatible it is with Tywin’s outlook on life. Jaime is absolutely not a good candidate to be his “cold ruthless and pragmatic with perfect authority” heir. This is why Jaime ends up giving it all away for the KG, and ruins all his plans. He does this for love. He also cares relatively little about being the head of his family and his main motivations are everything that does not fit with so much of Tywin’s outlook. Jaime is concerned more with abstract concepts like honor, chivalry, and love etc than power and politicking. It is also very apparent how distinct they are based on Jaime’s relationship to his siblings and the guilt he feels over Rhaegar’s children and how he reacts to the brutality and cruelty done to Hoat for example. He also keeps running from Tywin’s legacy. First, he gives it all up because he loves Cersei. Then, when he comes back handless, Tywin celebrates like fucking finally, and then Jaime is like nah I’ll stay KG actually, and gets disowned #epic style. Then, he frees his brother because of guilt and because he cared about him unlike Tywin. This is also an action that leads to Tywin’s death. All of his children keep dooming him because he tried to mold them into something that they are not. He wanted Cersei, a passionate, ambitious, and fiery individual to be a submissive tradwife political pawn. He wanted Tyrion to be hidden with no influence or real power, repressing the immense potential that Tyrion has. This is why they are all destined to destroy him and what he has built in some form. (also, I think this idea is also ever present in how Tywin tries to change the twin swords into pure crimson, and how they physically reject it: link, it speaks to Tywin’s failure to mold his legacy into what he wants it to be, as well as the inability to cover up the darkness (ripples of blood and night) with pretty crimson, but I think it also showcases how he fails to mold all his tools, be it Joff, Jaime, Tyrion, Cers) Even when Jaime seeks to emulate his father because he believes his strength is needed to offer protection to his family, he fails at it. There are numerous anti parallels all throughout AFfC and especially his ADwD chapter.

[aroacehanzawa]

Saying dazais plan is going perceftly meanwhile dazai couldnt get akutagawa to listen to him no matter what he did for 2 whole years. Also like he can put whatever morals he wants in his story but he cant be out here in a real life interview giving horrible takes about abuse as if its apropriate in certain situations. I really worry about younger teens who get into bsd

THIS

It's just such an insensitive and irresponsible thing to say in an interview. Like you said he can put whatever morals he wants in the story and we can just ignore it or choose to interpret it how we will, death of the author etc etc, but it's different to outright say these kinds of things like some kind of "word of god" on how you're supposed to interpret Dazai's treatment of Akutagawa. And with the state of media literacy and reading comprehension these days..... yeah that's just Not Good.

And it's a shame because if you leave it up to us readers' interpretation, there's a lot of good potential to be made out of bsd's themes of abuse and it's effects on people. Like the (arguably Fukuzawa ->) Oda -> Dazai -> Atsushi -> Kyouka cycle of finding the light and helping others to counteract the abuse from their pasts. But instead we're focusing on how Dazai is somehow meant to "ultimately" be a positive influence on Akutagawa???

You're right, if that's the case why didn't Akutagawa actually learn to grow as a person during his few years with Dazai? I don't think it's very farfetched to argue that Dazai had a negative influence on Akutagawa's development. Akutagawa at 16 was lost and revenge-driven but he cared for people he considered family, he had hopes and fears and real human desires. The Akutagawa we meet at 20 has been reduced to a "dog" of the mafia who only lives for Dazai's approval, who doesn't see himself as anything other than a tool. Only after his encounters with Atsushi and seeing Kyouka find the light does he start to recover his humanity again!!!

So again i have to ask Asagiri: WHAT MEANINGFUL LIFE DID DAZAI GIVE TO AKUTAGAWA

[stupidsexpotflanders]

Luke being a bad person/doing bad things makes him more tragic as a character,not less

This is(mostly) a copy-paste from a meta I wrote on Reddit. Besides,I'm only talking about the books,the tv show is 100% ignored in this analysis.

Disclaimer:this isn't to excuse Luke's actions or to diminish their severity,it's just that his terrible deeds are a fundamental part of his character as a sympathetic villiain when it comes to both words,not just the latter one.

Luke's life was extremely turbulent. First,he was raised by a mother who not only couldn't properly raise her kid,but she also yelled about his terrible fate while her eyes had a supernatural glow. To top it all,Hermes didn't give any sign,no matter how much Luke prayed. An unpleasant way to get introduced to the divine,I'd say;

Because of May's "crises",Luke ran away from home. There,he had to deal with all of the crazy stuff homeless kids/teens have to,besides the monsters wanting him as breakfast. Perhaps it was during this time he learned about how dangerous the demigod life was,plus desensitization to violence - at least,the beginning of it. Another amount of time Luke prayed for help,but none came until he was 14. To top it all,Hermes said growing up in the streets "builds character";

Camp Half-Blood itself. It surely beats living in the streets(being protected from monsters,training,regular meals),but it's far from flawless. The place has a blasé attitude towards violence and death. Besides many demigods(especially unclaimed ones) going on suicidal missions just to get claimed and/or a smidge of the godly parent's affection,people get slaps on the wrists as punishments for maiming and killing other demigod campers during Capture The Flag(no desserts). If Luke wasn't indifferent towards murder before CHB,he surely became. Now that I think of it,Sally is the only one who deserves credit for Percy's moral code when it comes to authority figures;

After all that happened,Kronos appeared and decided to manipulate Luke. TBH,I think the failed quest was just the last drop. Luke had way too many reasons to get angry at the system,two decades of trauma(he was 19 in TLT,but I'll round it up). Kronos was a bad influence to Luke,using his ressentment to make Luke undego several kinds of decay - including moral;

Using seduction as a weapon on young teens isn't such a dealbreaker for me,as a Luke fan,and even that is part of the tragedy of Luke Castellan. Not only he had to grow up early and his ideas of youth are warped,but there's also the infamously small demigod lifespam. Besides,Luke's exposure to the good parts of the mortal USA moral code might very well be limited(not to mention he himself was unprotected by society). On a tangent,him falling for Annabeth is stupid - whether it's canon or not (I don't want to debate it). Rick wrote them as having a sibling relationship,makes a big deal about a "family promise",then decides to make a love triangle? Way to trash an emotional arc. Now,back to the main topic. Luke being a manipulator and victim of manipulation at the same time is a great way to show how "hurt people hurt people";

Negative emotions. Rick Riordan said Luke's fatal flaw was wrath,and it surely fits. However,another thing that repeatedly doomed Luke was some sort of emotional fragility. First,Luke said Kronos paid him compliments and gave him important stuff to do as a sign of appreciation. Then,the Titan Lord himself said Luke hated and envied Percy. Envy is very hurtful and often stems from a feeling of lack. Luke also was shown as someone who needed validation. From TLT(namely the praises),to TLO(Luke,hosting Kronos,mentioned something about how Chiron "said the gods cared about me"). Even to save Olympus,Annabeth had to offer Luke support.

[asphodel124]

So, I am in no way a writer, or particularly good at expressing myself. But I was rewatching a GO reaction video on YouTube (like you do), and the creator said something that gave me an epiphany moment. I'm vacillating between thinking this realization is super obvious, and thinking it's genius, so I figured I'd try to verbalize it to really figure it out.

So this creator (doctorcanonVO on YouTube - check her out, she's very insightful) was watching Season 1 and made a comment about how Adam seemed very lonely and ignored, and he wants to be in Tadfield and stay in this place that he made for himself. And that phrasing sounded very familiar.

"... The precious, peaceful, fragile existence I have carved out for myself here."

And this was my epiphany: Crowley is the new Adam.

What did Adam do to make Tadfield his own? He manipulated the weather to suit his purposes; Crowley made it rain to manipulate Maggie and Nina into close quarters. In the book, Tadfield is described as having been in the direct path of a motorway, but miraculously it curved right around the town, leaving it intact. Aziraphale's bookshop is in the middle of Soho, but the ever-present cars are barely even acknowledged as pedestrians walk directly into the road without even looking both ways. The inhabitants of the area have no need to worry about traffic because of Crowley's influence.

Perhaps most interestingly, Adam had a gang. Throughout Season 2, Crowley eventually acquired "followers" as well. Adam and his gang were the Anti-Horsemen of the apocalypse, and Crowley and his gang seem to be, as well.

First chronologically in season 2, we get Jimbriel. As the former Supreme Archangel, he used to control the Book of Life, and thus had power over Death (or could at least utilize Death for his own wishes because as stated in season 1, Death is the shadow of creation, so to destroy Death would destroy all). In season 1, we met Death last, and just prior to Death, we met Pollution. After meeting Jimbriel, Crowley soon meets Muriel. Muriel is dressed in pristine white; they notice a tiny material object in Heaven and immediately retrieve it and report it to the appropriate authorities. After discovering that Muriel is there to verify the miracle Aziraphale claimed to perform to make Maggie and Nina fall in love, Crowley inserts himself in their lives. Maggie has no money to pay rent, always has an empty shop, and hasn't been getting online orders. She is Famine. I'll come back to that. Nina is characterized by her constant fights and arguments with Lindsay. She is War. I'll come back to that, too.

We were talking about Crowley's followers being Anti-Horsemen, right? So why are Maggie and Nina War and Famine? Because season 2, while having 4 anti-Horsemen, has 4 Horsemen as well. So who are the remaining anti-Horsemen? Anti-Famine, clearly, would be Mrs. Sandwich. She treats her "seamstresses" to coffee every day. She must have a booming business, as she references regulars and the after-work rush. Plus, her name is Mrs. Sandwich. Anti-War, interestingly, is Beelzebub. They made an agreement with Gabriel to not restart the apocalypse, and agreed to make sure there wouldn't be another one. As they interacted more with Gabriel, their feelings of love grew to counteract the fact that they were hereditary enemies, and decided that Gabriel was worth more than choosing sides. Crowley interacts with all of the Anti-Horsemen in the bookshop (though not exclusively).

So we know who two of the Horsemen are. Who are the other two? Shax is pollution, but her form of pollution is more directed at Crowley and Aziraphale than the environment. She's always bringing Crowley his mail, which he then throws away. She brings demons to Aziraphale's bookshop, and the defense against them causes utter mayhem and disarray.

Finally, we have Season 2's version of Death: the Metatron. He swans in and completely destroys Crowley's precious, peaceful, fragile existence. He claims that Michael doesn't have the power to write anyone out of the Book of Life like she claims; but he does. Plus there's the play on Nina's shop's name - the Metatron gives Aziraphale a coffee, and also gives Death to Crowley's carefully constructed paradise.

This is still a new theory, and again, I'm just trying to put it in words to help it make more sense. What do you think?

TL;DR: Crowley is Season 2's version of Adam, and there are other parallels.

[lostdrarryfics]

THE BIG FIND: DAY THREE

Welcome to the third day of our anniversary celebration!

The Big Find is a 10-day long Drarry fic-finding marathon to celebrate the blog’s first anniversary. Below is the Day 3 compilation of lost fics, both old and new, that we’ve been unable to find. Our aim is to get as much attention to these lost fics as possible, to help people finally find their missing fics! Anyone can participate by reblogging, reading through each list, providing additional fic details, and informing us the title, author, or link of a fic, and their respective number in the comment section. Happy finding!

3.1 Draco being kidnapped and Harry, an auror and married to him, wanted to save him but he couldn’t leave the ministry, if I’m not mistaken Hermione was there too, because the werewolves were there. I think it was published in Dec 2017 on Ao3. (original post)

3.2 Canon rewrite where Draco is very much involved with the golden trio’s adventures and Harry and Draco keep doubting the other’s motive but also have a slow burn going. The last chapter I read was about Draco realizing he shouldn’t be afraid of his sexuality and going to Harry to ask him to Yule ball but he sees harry kissing someone lese instead (Cedric maybe) because he was mad at Draco for ignoring him. (original post)

3.3 Draco was in danger as a past Death Eater, and someone was killing wizards/witches by stabbing them in the heart with their own wands? I’m sorry it’s so vague!! Harry was probably an auror. Post-war fic, I’m pretty sure the first chapter had someone being killed in Diagon Alley or something. It was kind of a case fic. (original post)

3.4 Hogwarts era fic where Harry ends up being looked after by Snape in his quarters. I know Dumbledore doesn’t like this development and pulls Remus into the castle to try and influence Harry away from Severus, but it doesn’t work, and Remus eventually sided with Harry and Snape. Harry sneaks out of the quarters one night, possibly drawn by a mysterious voice, and finds a chamber down from the Headmasters office (the headmaster doesn’t know that this chamber exists). There’s an egg or snake of some kind down there, and Harry takes it back to Severus’ quarters - the snake becomes Harry’s familiar. Remus and Snape are there, feeling really worried about Harry’s disappearance and tell him off for being reckless. I believe that rather than leaving school to go back to the Dursley’s, he pretends to go back but instead hides out in the school, possibly in the chamber of secrets. He ends up needing Snapes help at some point that summer, which is why he ends up living in his quarters. I’m not 100% this is part of the same story but I think it is. (original post)

fic is not a brother to basilisks by lomonaaeren • a year like none other by aspeninthesunlight • no mouth but some serpent’s by lightning on the wave • the heir by dragon eye21 was suggested

3.5 Harry is an auror and Draco an unspeakable but he gets kidnapped so Harry goes trough the whole case to find him. (original post)

3.6 Harry has a large cat familiar of some kind. It dies protecting him and Harry is obviously upset by it. He ends up getting a second familiar, who I think is the child of his original one, but really struggles to bond with it, partly because of the pain of losing the first one and his worry that it will happen again. I’m pretty certain it happens during Hogwarts (I think the familiar dies around either the end of 4th or 5th year - but I’m not sure). I think it may have been a ff.net story, as I only read on Ao3 and ff.net, and I have a feeling it isn’t Ao3. (original post)

3.7 Multi chapter, Harry has a baby with a muggle woman and takes care of them financially and also goes to visit them. The mother and son(?) live in a house that’s kinda secluded I think. Draco eventually finds out and I think Ginny is a pretty important character in this fic as well. (original post)

fic is not home is where his heart is by t_a_s

FOUND! 3.8 i am searching for a fix with the following details: post-war, harry and draco kept their canonical marriages but they both eventually get a divorce (friendly though). i think one of the side pairings is scorpius and albus and their moms told them the history about their fathers. basically childhood rivals but there’s always been something more? eventually the side characters push them together and they finally kiss after never touching until then. (original post)

3.9 Post-war, maybe like a year or two? And Harry had been traveling in a tent? And he got really good at transfigurations I think because of all the work he did on the tent and came back to hogwarts to help with the castle. (original post)

3.10 Draco is raised by Regulus, Narcissa giving Draco to him as a newborn child, and he decides to raise him properly in America. Lily and James are alive also Sirius and Remus, I think they were a couple. Draco had some special abilities I think and around when he was a teenager, Greyback found them and the Potters, Sirius and Remus came to warn them, but not quickly enough and Draco was injured, Lily helped him heal and he met Harry and I don’t remember any more, it was an incomplete work. (original post)

3.11 In the fic, either Ron or Hermione (but I’m pretty sure it was Hermione?) gives Draco the classic “don’t hurt my friend” speech. And instead of just agreeing Draco gets upset and I’m pretty sure he leaves. Then later down the line I think Hermione was thinking about how guilty she felt for saying that. I can’t remember if Draco told Harry about it but I don’t think he did?? (original post)

fic is not use somebody by vikkaleeti

3.12 Post-war, Draco is potentially alienated by most of wizarding Britain. Pretty certain Draco had his own flat and that he would visit his mother from time to time. Very H/D centric, not a lot of the other characters are mentioned. One of the quotes is “I’ll never want someone the way I want you. This is it for me. You are it for me. There’s nothing and no one after you.” (original post)

3.13 lucius and narcissa are not pure evil and they kinda start supporting h/d and i think there is a basement in which they teach harry how to duel? (original post)

FOUND! 3.14 AU, possibly ABO or similar vibes. Draco is the princess type being married off to Harry, Draco is super bratty and threatens to have sex with the stable boy instead, Harry and Draco have sex up against the bathroom door, and then Draco is happy with the match. (original post)

fic is not scent and sensibility by aidaninkling • tease by penpenhooray

[the-consortium]

Dramatis Personae

Foreword to this blog

I am surprisingly fond of Fabius. An unwieldy character who is allowed by his main author to fail spectacularly and still grow. He's one of the few standout Warhammer protagonists who undergoes any real development. And of course he's a fucking sarcastic, egomaniacal asshole. Completely justifiably hated by his countless enemies (most of them his brothers) and often by his very few friends. A synonym for indifferent cruelty and ruthlessness in achieving his goals. But one thing he is never - boring!

So here now is my look through his eyes (and through those of his consortium) at the dark world of … hmmm … probably not 41st millennium. I'm deliberately keeping the time vague so I can use all the characters I want. I mix times (I want Saqqara to have a Keeper of Secrets in the bottle already! That's too funny!) and use as a location the crummy Crone World, where the Consortium was reasonably comfortable at its best - so ignore quite a few events then. Otherwise I stay as close to the canon as possible. Fortunately, the lore is vague and full of holes, so I have room to spread out. In this attached post I will gradually introduce the protagonists so that people who have not yet read the Fabius Trilogy know who these people are.

Lieutenant Commander Fabius Bile The Clonelord, vehement atheist and constantly angry at his gene sire and his brothers - while just as constantly helping them out and being dependant on them. It's complicated. He is using cloned bodies to avoid the effects of something that may look like the Blight that nearly wiped out the Third Legion before Fulgrim was found. But it isn't - it's something entirely different. When he starts using a body he looks like a "more vulpine" (his words) version of Fulgrim.

The Chirurgeon Designed by Fabius to help him with his work, the Chirurgeon has developed some kind of consciousness over the many centuries in the Eye of Terror and is even sometimes sneaking off to hunt serfs for sport and to reproduce. Yes, there are baby-Chirurgeons somewhere and they are dangerous.

Saqqara Ur-Damak Thresh A Word Bearers Diabolist, sent to assassinate Fabius. Got caught and Fabius implantet a bomb into his chest that will go off if the Clonelord dies a permanent death. Saqqara acts as Fabius' bodyguard against threats from the Warp and is constantly trying to bring the light of the Gods to his employer/captor. Waldorf to Arrian's Statler. Hated by Fabius' brothers, because slaaneshi (and every other) demons love him and are drawn to him. (he normally shaves his head and has black hair. This is just him being edgy)

Arrian Zorzi The World Eaters no longer need Apothecaries, so Arrian left his brothers behind and joined the Consortium. He's the only Astartes of the 12th Legion able to suppress the influence of the nails with a selfmade concoction. He killed his squad way back on Terra and is carrying their skulls with him - and talking to them. And they answer. He's Fabius' bodyguard against physical threats and hates Khorne with a passion - which may be a bit ironic. He loves arguing with Saqqara for reasons entirely his own.

Oleander Koh Terran Emperor's Children Apothecary and one of Fabius' star pupils. He fancies himself a gifted politician and diplomat, but he's mostly wrong. He really wants the Third Legion to rise to glory again and works to unite the bickering warlords and to motivate the unwilling Fabius to take up the mantle of leadership. He spents a significant part of his time away from the Consortium to pursue his own goals.

Khorag Sinj and Paz'uz Blessed by Nurgle the Death Guard no longer has need for Apothecaries. But Khorag wanted to continue pursuing his craft and expand his knowledge, so he left his Legion and joined the Consortium to act as Fabius' specialist for poisons and handcrafted viruses. With him came Paz'uz - the grace of Nurgle manifest. A rather friendly, playful, yet deadly demon-"dog".

Herik Stymphalos An Emperor's Children Apothecary Herik got obsessed with avian creatures way before the desaster on Terra. At first he experimented on prisoners to produce winged humans, but then he expanded his scientific field by giving himself wings, too. He is still losely affliated with the Consortium and is still conducting experiments for and with Fabius, but most of his time is spent on the backwater planet of Holvall in his giant aviary. Doing bird-stuff.

The Venerable Diomat Chaos Contemptor Dreadnought of the 12th Milennial. Now serving the Chief Apothecary. Very aggressive and senile, he is kept asleep most of the time. For some reason he really likes Fabius.

Duco A Night Lords Apothecary tasked with most of the search-and-destroy-stuff that sometimes comes up. As with a lot of his brothers he isn't the most approachable person. He likes to hang out with Herik, because they both have a kind of outsider view on the Consortium.

(Will be continued)

[midnight-in-town]

Elizabeth's family is one of the most influential, richest, and most powerful families in England. Why wouldn't she immediately report Undertaker to them so they would take the initiative and minimize the damage with their influence in the police department and the newspapers?Why doesn't she show her parents the courtesy to let them know the truth at least a day before everyone else?Have her parents chosen to ignore her emotional needs and allow her to deny her true identity and strength?

Listen Anon, on the one hand, I get that you might want to project a very realistic and 100% logical explanation onto the events of the Blue Sect arc, but the truth is... Kuroshitsuji isn't that kind of story so much. In fact, Yana-sensei often ignores the simplest way to rather craft up complicated plot twists, in order to explore tropes or character developments and to put her main duo at the center of everything. xDD

On the other hand, there is an in-universe explanation that answers your questions and I’m personally fine with it so far. To use your own words, Liz belongs to two very influential and powerful families: one is a chivalrous one but the other is...

...And Lizzie was raised with that duality all her life, taught to protect with her strength all of this family’s secrets.

Primarily now, she's "the Watchdog's fiancée" and I think her family understands (and actually expects of her) that she would make her fiancé (real!Ciel in this arc) a priority upon realizing the truth that he was back and not "in good health", because that is what was drilled in her head since being a little girl.

However, it doesn't mean that she wasn't feeling guilty about this (on top of her inner conflict about which twin to side with, the one she loves or the one she's supposed to be betrothed to?), as she tells Edward in ch144. 

In other words, she was lost and scared and she focused on protecting real!Ciel, rather than trying to do the “morally right” action, even if it bothered her because she knew UT and real!Ciel were up to no good.  I don’t blame her for that and I think that’s unfair that anyone would: she’s 14 years old and the authorities knew something very dangerous was happening and they took their time and had to rely on another kid (our!Ciel, the Watchdog) to figure it out. 

Blaming her is similar to blaming our!Ciel for never telling Soma he has a twin thus for indirectly causing Agni’s death because Soma didn’t figure out that the “Ciel” before him wasn’t his friend. It’s senseless and these kids have enough on their plate already. 

TL;DR I’m pretty sure her parents didn’t expect Lizzie to save England from UT’s crazy BD plans when themselves were worried sick about her disappearance but didn’t have any way of forcing her to come back (unlike Ed who, you know, went all out but indirectly caused more civilian deaths, oopsie). 

It’s a complicated family for sure, and Lizzie is currently in so much anguish that she definitely needs her mom’s guidance to figure her feelings out [x][x]. So blaming anyone for how things turned out is counter productive (unless you wanna blame UT), considering the giant scale of this damn long arc. 

My opinion. :) Have a good day!

[forgottenyear]

How did I learn I have DID? (I was never asked, but it is so rare for me to have an answer that I could not bear to ignore the question.)

I voluntarily entered the hospital on my therapist’s recommendation. After months of struggling, I was finally shutting down and withdrawing from the world.

The hospital’s diagnosis added dissociative amnesia to a list that already lead with depression (they did change the depression diagnosis by adding “double” in front of it – it was “biggie”-sized, I guess).

Following the hospitalization, my therapist and I reexamined our previous, nearly two decades of work together. We first began working together during the two years in which memories do not appear to have formed, but we began in the waning months of Angela’s time. While her presentation would have been hard to miss, I am not sure how much she would have been involved in therapy.

My therapist retired only two years after the most recent hospitalization, so he was from another time. I did not argue when he said he would never sign the forms to approve a change of gender. Firstly, I did not want this because I am not Angela, and secondly, it was a moot point given his antiquated understanding of his authority to gate-keep in this way. It was not an issue that mattered, and it had no influence on his ability to help in the ways I needed help. His help was the best I could receive because he had known me since my beginning – I was not about to exchange that for the slow and painful process of finding a new match for therapy.

He appeared to feel bad that he did not see the signs of DID earlier, and he saw me without pay after my funding sources dried up.

In our reexamination of our previous work, he noted that I have a unique ability to put things out of my mind so I can concentrate on other things. The term he used was “splitting,” which is not the same as “split personality,” but the common association opened the door to looking at the potential that other parts were in play.

My memory is not clear until months later, when I began talking about the “theory” of other parts, and my therapist interrupted to tell me that we had left “theory” behind and were now discussing the “reality” of DID.

I was not ready for this to be reality. I am not sure I am now. I received his words as I would a death sentence.

Everything changed. Nothing will be the same ever again.

At the same time, nothing changed. Everything will be the same ever again.

What was lost was illusion. But illusion was home.

--

The implication of DID is that there is a cause. That my memory is crap, not just about day-to-day things (trivial details, like my date of birth and sometimes even my name), but about seminal events that interrupted integration of our developing mind into one person.

DID implies that there is a flaw in the family’s approximation of ancestor worship.

DID implies that home was an illusion.