#definitely feel like I should’ve made more progress :

[jazzbeary]

2020 -> 2023

[luvtak]

lullabye, lmh x reader

✧ genre/tw minho comforting you when you can't sleep <3 fluff to the highest caliber, one very sleepy sweet kiss, unedited.

✧ w/c 974

The covers felt too heavy and the arm around your waist was uncharacteristically uncomfortable. Usually sleeping with your boyfriend brought safety and sweet dreams, but deep into the night you still can’t find respite. Laying in the dark to not disrupt Minho and begging for the sweet relief of sleep to take you away. 

 Earlier in the night you had cuddled up on the sofa to watch a horror movie, an endeavor that the man beside you enjoyed and you not so much. You avoid scary things at all cost–no haunted houses, no camping trip scary stories, and most definitely no ghost movies at ten o’clock. It’s silly, to be grown up and still so frightened of scary stories, but you can’t seem to stop yourself from feeling that familiar blanket of dread climbing up your back. 

You wished you could take back the happy smile you gave when he suggested it, but he looked so happy when he found it. You could’ve bottled the sound of his smiley voice when he asked, “What about this one, kitty!?” and you just couldn’t say no, even if you were terrified. When he was awake, it was easy to hide it from Minho, but the second his eyes closed and his breath steadied the shadows began to look more and more like made up creatures.

It’s while you’re tossing and turning and nestling further into the pillow; desperate to find the best position to fall into dreamland when his arm tightens–shocking you into stillness. It’s unlike Minho to wake up in the middle of the night, weirder still that his voice sounds fond rather than the sleepy irritation you were expecting. 

“Honey? Why are you moving around so much?” leaden with sleep and worry, the man sounds more desirable than he usually does. Turning around in his hold, you see his eyes for the first time since you laid down–wide and blurry, fighting the whispers of sleep to bore right into your own. His hand slinks lower, from your waist to your hip, and begins a steady tapping in hopes to calm you. 

“I don’t know, I just can’t get comfortable I guess.” you hope he’ll take you at your word, but he knows you too well– knows the glimpse in your eye comes from fear rather than discomfort. Frowning, he pulls you right into his neck, rubbing at your back until he can hear you sigh. 

He whispers sweet words and quiet wishes, all while paying close attention to your rapid heart beat pressed against him; beating slower and slower as he speaks. 

“You should’ve told me you were scared, I never would’ve made you watch something you didn’t like.” His voice, while not much more than a whisper, resounded so loudly through your body: ringing through your ribcage and up into your heart until you felt at ease–an ability no one but him has ever pulled off. You don’t quite know how to tell him that you were embarrassed, that it was something you didn’t like talking about. 

Even more humiliating, you didn’t know how to say that watching scary movies with him could be addictive–the way his pretty eyes would get bigger and bigger as the story progressed… his hands pulling you closer to him as the score heightened. How could you vocalize how his little gasps of surprise made you feel, the same little gasps he would make when you kissed him in the spot beneath his ear. 

Sure, watching him laugh at something funny or roll his eyes at something dramatic would also make you swoon, but there was something with the horror that became magic. Maybe it was the fact that he liked it, but you feel more that it’s his allowance to feel vulnerable. That he’s letting you see him scared and surprised, that instead of pulling away he pushes in. 

Instead of this, you tell him, “Don’t worry, Bunny, I wanted to watch it too.”

“But you’re scared! And you can’t sleep!”

“That's just the consequence of a good time, baby.” 

While he does laugh, he doesn’t seem happy. Saddened by the thought of you lying alone, anxious and dreamless, while he slept soundly. 

You see the guilt, etching itself in the downward curve of his mouth and the grasp his fingers have on your back, and you will it away. He’s not at fault for you not speaking up, no matter how deeply he feels he is. When you tell him this, speaking with all the sincerity you can muster, you see he doesn’t believe you. And so you do the next best thing, winding your hands around his neck to hold at his cheeks–soft skin melting your fingertips and bringing with it dancing goosebumps along your skin. Slowly, with the same tenderness one takes with a wounded animal, your face approaches his–smiling when you see his eyelashes flutter close and settling your lips atop his. He responds with a sentimentality that is unlike him, slow and sure of himself. Your name on the tip of his tongue as he kisses deeper–mouth opening with a smile and tongue swiping needlessly at the seam of your lips.

 It’s quiet and intimate in a way that only 2 am can bring–sleepy and clumsy in all the best ways. 

When you break away, it feels much later than it was–the sandman finally coming to your call and settling sleep into your bones. But you’re still a little scared, and Minho can tell, so he holds you closer to his chest: your ear laying where his heart sits and listening as he begins to hum. 

It’s a song you think you must know, sad and peaceful in the late evening light, and the mourning melody lulls you to sleep. The wordless melody following you into dreamland until the sun comes up. 

© LUVTAK

[purpledisastertwin900]

For all of the “Raph raised himself AND his brothers” fans out there I bring this train wreck of a thought (I’m a lil sleepy so sorry if it doesn’t make sense or if I repeat myself a lot-)

We do not in fact have any actual evidence that splinter was neglectful to the boys when they were little. In fact, we have the opposite.

All of these flashbacks indicate that Splinter acc spent a LOT of time with his boys-

With Mikey, he was obviously coached in his art, a smol child can’t paint like that no matter how talented they are so we can see that splinter put in the time/effort to get Mikey the supplies and teach him how to do it well. Which probably means he researched and learned it himself first, idk I just can’t really see Yoshi knowing how to paint/draw that well but that’s just a theory.

With raph and Leo, their lemonade stand is structurally sound: obviously not put together by an 8 year old, and there’s a lotta lemons lyin around that were probably a bit difficult to find, and just LOOK at their faces here they are definitely familiar with this kind of father/son shenaniganizing-also just LOOK at raph. That’s a happy child, one full of excitement and happiness, not a kid who had to grow up too fast. Also his dad is literally right there in the picture

And then with Donnie, I can’t really tell what he’s doing in the background (it’s a bomb) but what i take from that screenshot is that Donnie feels safe/loved enough to come to Splinter when he gets hurt. And Splinters taking care of him!! And, Donnie is wearing clothes, which shows that he went out and got clothes for them but also didn’t force the boys to wear them if they didn’t want to (see other screenshots lol) which also goes to show that he lets his boys choose who they wanna be and what they wanna do. At any point he could’ve forced all of them to train as ninja, at any point he could’ve made clothes mandatory, and at any point he could’ve forced them to drop things that made them happy like skating or science or art but nah. He was supportive every step of the way.

Now am I saying he was perfect? No. Am I saying he couldn’t have done anything better? No. What I’m saying is that Raph acc did not have to raise himself and his brothers. Splinter acc gave them a pretty good childhood, all things considered and it kinda makes me sad when ppl bash Rise Splinter or continue the neglectful parent trope. Again, I’m not saying he did everything right, he def could have spent more time with his kids on an individual basis and he should’ve been more present, but let’s cut him some slack bc he did a really good job at raising the boys. And he got so much better as the show progressed! But that’s another post lol. I’m also not trying to take away Raphs oldest sibling syndrome, he still def has that from being the leader and watching his bros while splinter was away-I’m just saying he didn’t have to do it ALL alone.

Look in the end he’s doing his best and his best was really good for what they had. He’s a good dad, he’s not neglectful.

[sacredhyacinth]

I recently watched the new hazbin hotel series and I’m just kinda disappointed how like?? empty the characters feel compared to the pilot. I rewatched the pilot to compare it to episode one and the swearing went up like tenfold 😭 and the handling of Angel dust is so uncomfortable to get through and the husk song is just..neunduheu like it just felt very out of place for the stuff they were talking about, and especially since I feel like they should’ve have a deep conservation instead of breaking out into song. I liked episode 2 though mostly because it was genuinely entertaining and the dynamic with the overlords was fun to watch—there was a Lot of sex jokes which was Okay but it’s not my favorite thing ever. It just felt like Helluva Boss which makes sense since they were made by the same company but it just felt like there was more “”jokes”” than plot progression sometimes and idk episode 3 was Okay and episode 4 was just???????.? I don’t like how people starting shipping huskerdust after that and it was just a really uncomfortable episode to go through because of personal experiences, I’d rather the characters actually Talk with one another and not suddenly start singing idk the series was Okay but it’s definitely not for me which is kinda sad since I’ve been following the project for so long

[gimmehyuck]

lungs like a garden series

✿ series synopsis.

hanahaki.

the disease everyone has heard of.

the one that doctors only know how to treat by one surgery or one returned confession.

no other cure.

everyone has heard of it. but what’s less spoken of… is how it feels to simultaneously be both in love and in pain.

the question is in the end… will it always be worth it?

✿ genres. strangers to lovers // friends to lovers // enemies to lovers // friends to lovers

✿ warnings. angst // fluff // possible? smut? // mentions of dying/death // sickness // vomiting (of flowers) // tags will be more detailed for each story, these are the general ones for all // synopsis of each story may change/evolve as i continue to write them lol

✿ something to note: each story is connected but can be read alone!

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✿ to drown in you | n.jm (coming soon)

“i’m… i’m scared.”

“don’t worry, i’ve got you. nothing will happen if i’m here.”

✿ summary. jaemin didn’t think twice about diving in to the water to save you, you needed his help (but couldn’t ask).

he also didn’t think twice about the befriending you and helping you out of a tough situation, you wanted his help (but wouldn’t ask).

and he definitely didn’t think twice about falling in love with you, he didn’t need any help in doing so (but he should’ve asked, it would have made things easier).

✿ pairing. swimmer!jaemin x yn

✿ words. est 10k+

✿ genre. strangers to lovers… or is it?

✿ warnings. angst!!!, fluff!!!, mentions of dying/death, vomiting (of flowers), yn is in a toxic relationship at the beginning, eventual smut, more to come as i write

✿ patient progress: symptomatic

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✿ denialism at its finest | l.jn

“i don’t think falling in love is all that bad.”

“i do, and i refuse to do it.”

✿ summary. there were a lot of things that jeno was sure of. for example, he was sure that his schools hockey team would win the championship (not just because he was the captain). he was sure that he had a job to go to once he graduated (that he’d absolutely hate because it had nothing to do with his major). lastly, he was absolutely sure that he’d never fall in love, and he definitely wasn’t in love with you…

(reality hit him at the same time the petals hit his palm.)

✿ pairing. hockey player!jeno x yn

✿ words. tbd

✿ genre. maybe friends to ???

✿ warnings. angst, fluff, jeno is generally in denial, mentions of dying/death, mentions of vomiting (of flowers), divorced parents?? if that needs to be warned, more to come as i write

✿ patient progress: symptomatic

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✿ distance between us | l.ty

“what didn’t you realize until now?”

“how much it hurts to love you.”

✿ summary. taeyong was oblivious, he had to be (or so you thought). there was simply no way he had to know how you felt about him (could he..?). and for a long while, you were content feeling the butterflies in the pit of your stomach (the feeling made you giddy). but then the butterflies changed into petals… and the petals changed the meaning of it entirely (the feeling made you sick).

your innocent crush, what you thought were simple feelings… it had changed somehow.

(and it hurt.)

✿ pairing. brothers best friend?taeyong x yn

✿ words. tbd

✿ genre. friends to ???

✿ warnings. fluff?, angst!!, minor age gap (not by much), taeyong is a bit… what’s the word… he leads yn on kinda?, vomiting (of flowers), mentions of blood (it’s roses what do you expect), more to come as i write

✿ patient progress: symptomatic

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✿ biology of love | q.kn

“why do you push people away like that? it’s cruel.”

“what’s truly cruel is when they leave.”

✿ summary. kun knew how to be friendly, he swore he did (you can ask anyone). he was friendly to everyone who worked on his floor, (maybe a little distant but never unkind). he was well liked but his friend circle was limited, (he didn’t mind that). until you came along, someone who seemed to hate his very existence; you were the new doctor on the floor, he had been a nurse working there for two years (seniority counts somehow, right?).

he truly didn’t care if you had friends or not, or if you were just always miserable, he couldn’t care less… (but then why did seeing you slowly getting sick bother him?)

✿ pairing. nurse!kun x doctor!yn

✿ words. tbd

✿ genre. enemies to lovers… possibly?

✿ warnings. angst, fluff, age gap (a bit more than a couple years), mentions of death/dying, mentions of vomiting (of flowers), discussions of what comes next and the existential crisis that follows, yn is Cold because Sad (that she says is ambition)™, possible? smut?, more to come as i write

✿ patient progress: symptomatic

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✿ falling for the sun (you) | l.dh

“why are you acting this way?”

“i’ve realized i’m like icarus. i’ve loved the sun’s warmth so much, but now it’s only killing me.”

✿ summary. you can pinpoint the moment you wanted to study psychology as a career to the moment you walked into your high school class (thanks to your best friend that agreed to go to the same university as you). you can pinpoint the moment your life’s trajectory changed to the exact moment you met lee donghyuck, (you blamed it entirely on mark). you can even pinpoint where your major mistake in all this started (it was the moment you moved in).

what you couldn’t pinpoint, no matter how hard you tried, was the moment you officially fell in love with him (you only really found out after the first yellow petal appeared… and then you knew you were fucked).

✿ pairing. roommate!donghyuck x yn

✿ words. tbd

✿ genre. best friend/roommates to ???

✿ warnings. angst!!!, fluff!!!, hyuck and yn argue a bit, hyuck is kind of a player??, mentions of death/dying, mentions of vomiting (of flowers), mentions of blood and choking (sunflowers are huge okay), eventual smut, more to come as i write

✿ patient progress: symptomatic

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tag list: @byungbyungbaek @ficrecnctskz @shwizhies

[walker-extended-universe]

We Go Down Together, Chapter 5

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4

Relationship(s); Cassie Perez & Cordell Walker

Tags/Warnings: Guilt, Trauma, Trauma Recovery, Making Up, Angst with a Happy Ending

Summary: Cordell does some thinking and Cassie makes some progress

Written for @augustofwhump alt prompt 4: Guilt

Taglist: @theladywyn, @ihavepointysticks, @klaatu51, @itsjessiegirl1, @neptunium134

--------------

After that confrontation with Cassie, Cordell went home, sat in his home office, and did a lot of thinking.

He’d come up here intending to think about work, even had some files that James emailed him spread out on the desk. He wanted to dive right back in so he could put all this mess behind him and focus on the future.

But no matter how hard he stared at the papers in front of him, his mind kept circling back to Cassie. The dread in her eyes, the pain in her voice, the anger simmering underneath it all…. It wasn’t anything like the Cassie he knew. She was normally so happy, so energetic, so determined. Seeing her stripped bare like that was so unfamiliar. He hadn’t seen her like that since Rita had told them Miles was dead. She’d tried to hide it, but she’d been a zombie at work for days after that and only lightened up when they got that crypto-theft case to distract them.

Maybe that was why he’d assumed it would be the same this time. Sure, Gray Flag had knocked Cassie down but she would get back up again once she had a distraction. That was the way Cordell had always worked, hell it was the way almost every Ranger or soldier he ever knew worked.

But Cassie wasn’t like everyone else he’d ever known.

Suddenly, Micki popped into his mind. She and Cassie were wildly different, but they had similarities as well. Young, determined, a fire in their soul stoked by years of people underestimating them.

He remembered when she came back from investigating Serano. She’d tried to jump right back into work and fell right on her ass. Cordell had thought she’d just needed time then, that she’d get right back up and run by his side again.

Then she’d left in the middle of the night and her desk was cleared out by morning.

Micki had thought leaving the force was the right thing to do. Cordell didn't agree with it, but he’d let her go her own way. Whatever she was going through she needed that support and he was happy to give it to her.

Just like Cassie needed his support right now. Whatever her decision was.

He sighed and rested his chin in the palm of his hand. “Bang up job you did there, Walker,” he muttered to himself.

He pulled out his phone and pulled up Cassie’s number. He hesitated, berated himself for hesitating, and then still waited five whole seconds before pressing the call button.

It took three rings for the call to pick up. “Walker?”

“Cassie,” he breathed. “Thank god. I thought you would’ve blocked me after earlier….”

“Well, I did consider it.”

“I had a feeling.” Cordell took a deep breath. “I wanted to say I was sorry. Like, actually genuinely sorry. I… I was too caught up in my own stuff to really see what you were going through and…. I messed up. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you.” She sniffed. “I should probably apologize too. I- I should’ve reached out sooner so you didn’t get the wrong idea….”

“Don’t apologize for that. I’m the idiot that assumed you handled trauma the same way I did. And I’m not sure you calling me and telling me about your nightmares would’ve changed anything. I probably would’ve just made a bigger idiot of myself if we’re being honest.”

She laughed. “Well, at least we can be honest.”

“Yeah….” Cordell cleared his throat. “I really need you to be honest with me, Cassie. I need you to tell me if I’m being a dick or if I’m not doing enough for you. Can you do that?”

She was quiet for a few moments. “I… I think I can. If I can’t, Ben definitely will.”

Cordell chuckled. “Yeah, he will.” He let the silence hang for a minute. “Are we okay?”

“... We will be.”

That was more than enough.

—------

Cassie woke up slowly. She woke up without an alarm, a habit she was going to have to break when she got back to work (and she would go back eventually, no matter how much Ben assured her she didn’t have to). She yawned and reached for her phone to see what time it was.

8:00 A.M.

Her eyes widened and she sat up straight, staring at the screen. The A.M. stubbornly refused to turn to P.M. no matter how many times she blinked. She got out of bed and pulled back the curtain on her window and pulled back when the sun hit her face.

She’d slept the whole night through. Without nightmares. That was the seventh night in a row.

This was progress. This was big progress.

She was on her way back to normal.

She turned on her heel and left her room, excitedly rushing to the kitchen. “Ben, Ben, Ben! I didn’t have a nightmare last night! And I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night or anything!”

Ben almost dropped the pan of bacon he was pulling out of the oven, but managed to save it just in time to leave it on the counter so he could take off his oven mitts. “Cassie, that’s great!” He hugged her tight. “I’m so proud of you.”

She squeezed him just as tight. “Thanks. For everything.”

“Hey, that’s what brothers are for.”

“I know, but still.” She slowly let go of him. “I need to tell Shannon. Oh, and Walker. He’ll wanna know…”

Ben rolled his eyes. “He’s just tired of being stuck on the desk without his partner.”

She slapped his arm. “He is not. Besides, he has too much paperwork to catch up on to go on another case.”

“That’s just what James tells you so you don’t feel bad.”

She rolled her eyes and pulled out her phone to update everyone.

She knew she wasn’t cured yet. She still had a ways to go. But it was progress, and that was worth celebrating.

[miioouu]

3-Degradation: Oikawa Toru

    The hands wrapped around your neck were preventing you from breathing properly, let alone answer his question. His gaze burns through you, grabbing into your soul and twisting, making it hard for you to keep control and not just give in to the pleasure. 

     "You better answer me!" His voice harsh as he furrowed his eyebrows, his face inching closer to yours. One of his hands left your throat and traveled south, brushing against your skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps, as he finally reached the hem of your panties. "Don't make me repeat myself baby." But still you can't answer. It's not his hand now preventing you, but the immense amount of arousal buzzing through your veins, the shock making it impossible to utter a word, only a gasp leaving your lips as Oikawa finally took the lacy material off, the cold air hitting your wet folds. He whistled at the sight before him, chuckled meanly when his eyes darted from between your legs to your eyes. “I haven’t even touched you yet, and you’re dripping wet already? Should’ve believed them when they told me you’re a slut.” You again had no response, no clap back, and even if you did, what’s the point in it, he’s right. “So answer me again love, does he make you feel as good as I do? Is he better than me?” He knew the answer, it was obvious by the way you were drooling, your nails digging into the flesh of his shoulders, and the way your head was thrown back. 

       A genuine smile finally appeared on his face once you stuttered out a simple “no”, while it usually wasn’t enough to satisfy him, he let it slide this time… Well, not really. “Are you sure though? If that was the case, then why is his cum dripping out of you?” This earned him a whine, a moan when he finally let his digits slide down, between your lower lips, making sure to give your clit a teasing brush before diving into you. “I’ve only been gone for four days… Are you really that desperate? Can’t wait to have a dick inside you, you whore? Well, I did prepare you a surprise, it was going to be real nice… But of course you had to ruin it, idiot.” And those words should really have hurt your pride, but no, in fact, they made your guts twist in arousal, in need, and it made you grind your hips against the palm of his hands, begging for more. 

      One hand was resting next to your head, supporting Oikawa, as the other was deep inside you, rubbing that spot that made you see stars. “I need you to stop being dumb for a second and tell me how good I make you feel. Can you do that? Or is that too difficult for that teeny tiny brain of yours?” Your eyes filled with tears, from embarrassment or ecstasy, you couldn’t really tell at that point. You only had one thing on your mind right now; proving him wrong. Your thoughts were clouded with lust, you tried to push through, to open your mouth and just praise him, but it was like he had a sixth sense; anytime you decided to use your voice, he took it away. His fingers left the warmth of your walls, making you  feel empty but only for a split of a second, he ran his member between your folds, making sure to rub the tip against your clit multiple times, and finally thrusting in. In a swift motion he bottomed out, the head kissing your cervix already, making you feel fuller than before. “Oika-Oikawa!” Despite all the words you wanted to say, his name was the only thing you could voice out; if you didn’t feel dumb before, you definitely did now, and he didn’t even try to make you feel better “Awww, look at my little slut. Is that the only word you know? You only know how to say my name? How cute. I hope you were screaming it while humping on his dick. I hope it’s my name you scream when you  go out there being a whore.” He set up a deep pace from the start, progressively getting faster, sloppier, making your eyes roll back and your back arch. Your hands flew to wrap around his neck, bringing him closer to you. His face a breath away from yours, his lips a breath away from yours "You know you belong to me slut… My slut. Stop whoring around, just be mine." And you had half a mind to register his confession, stupidly nodding your head, agreeing to whatever he said. It's when his lips finally pressed against yours, for the first time, that you were pushed to the edge. His hands holding your hips steady, frantically thrusting in and out of you until he reached his high "You're made for me, my good girl." 

[lazarettta]

So I just finished this woman’s boss level on the hardest level and I think I got arthritis in my hands now 😅…anyways…

As I was getting my ass HANDED to me on a mf gold plate made from the Gods of Olympus that was cursed by Satan…all I could think about?…

1) where does Miranda even come from/is hiding 24/7???

2) ain’t no way she’s immortal AND celibate.

Like yeah, she’s hellbent on this kid thing in the game, but what if she wasn’t here? She still grieves her daughter but the minute she interacts with the Megamycete and she gets overloaded with knowledge and I guess memories (?), she became obsessed…with understanding her blessing and curse.

And yes, she continues to experiment on people and being shady, that’s still canon. But when she and Spencer met…they never parted ways because their interests aligned. (Though Miranda was more interest in knowledge and progression than she was about the money and politics.)

Backstory done, now…wouldn’t be interesting if she actually had someone waiting for her at home, right? Not even an experiment either, just a normal wife and home. (Sorry, men don’t exist as anything but props in my stories 👹).

Anyway, Miranda is crazy as all outside, but at home? She could totally be like the Mia we saw at the beginning of the game, you know? Loving, teasing, kinda bossy and just like…not being crazy as all outside. Miranda definitely keeps long hours, but she’s a top tier scientist with Umbrella so it’s expected, yeah?

Miranda makes bank, okay? But again, she’s immortal so she’s probably rich already meaning you don’t have to work anymore if you didn’t want to.

But you do anyway, if only to keep yourself from getting bored at home on the days you’re home alone.

Sometimes it can be weeks before she’s home again, and Miranda really does try not to be gone that long but sometimes the Lords fuck up and she’s stuck cleaning up their messes. She always makes it up to you when she gets home though. Thoroughly. You never complain. well, once as a joke…Miranda took that personal. You didn’t make that joke again. (Considering it though)

You probably don’t know what Miranda really gets up to at work though, you don’t even suspect even after 6 almost 7 years, she was still just that beautiful nerd you quite literally bulldozed all those years ago in your rush to get to court in ridiculously high heels.

Miranda naturally had been pissed and your life was automatically forfeit…until you smiled. As cliche as it was…Miranda froze. Right there on the dirty New York side walk, uncaring about her pristine clothes possibly being ruined forever. She watched you ramble and rant above her until she suddenly found herself slightly towering over you.

Stronger than you looked she realized that day, able to pull her back to her feet so easily. Her. A self-claimed goddess.

Miranda always remembers that day fondly, it was very well the day she came back to life. You both remembered that day differently though 🤣. You still think you should’ve called 911.

So yeah, when Miranda isn’t doing business with her associates, I feel like she’s just at home with you, enjoying a nice homebody sort of day just lounging around or spa days together while her Lords do her dirty work, ya know? The usual double life standards.

I have some other thoughts about Miranda’s time off screen but for now that’s all I wanted to share 👀 may or may not add more to this later.

[wayward-dreamer]

Coffee & Chaos - Part 6 (FIN)

Pairing: Producer!Jensen x Fem!Screenwriter!Reader

Word count: 1,710

Summary: Y/N starts working at Chaos Machine Productions, finding joy in the work and fitting in instantly. She knows she could really thrive in the company, as long as she doesn’t fall for her boss, the executive producer and founder, along the way. Little does she know he’s trying to suppress his feelings, for the sake of professionalism, too.

Warnings: Swearing, a little bit of angst, fluff

A/N: The last part! I hope you all like it, and thank you so much for all the love for this mini-series! Happy reading and enjoy! :) beta’d by my love @evergreencowboy​.

Series Masterlist

Y/N sighed heavily as she pressed the play button on the voicemail that had been left on her phone.

Y/N, it’s Jensen. Listen… I don’t understand what happened back there, but please let’s just talk about it. If I did something wrong… I’m really sorry, darlin’. Just call me back, okay?

She pressed the trash button, deleting the message and moving onto the next one.

Hey, it’s me again. I just want to talk to you. Make sure you’re okay. Please call me back.

She closed her eyes as she leaned back in her chair at the table, running her hands down her face to wipe away the tears that had started. She had made a mess of everything, and she had no clue how to fix it. She loved the job she was doing, and she could very well have to give it up just because she couldn’t control her feelings for her boss. She never should’ve gone into the office to talk to him. She should’ve let it go, gone home and forgotten about why she was mad. At least that wouldn’t have led to them having sex on his desk. Sweaty, sensual, passionate, needy, rough sex that had kept her up all night with all the images that replayed in her mind.

What was worse, was that Jensen was clearly under the impression that he had done something wrong, and they couldn’t be further from the truth. He was in no way to blame for her getting so desperate for him that she couldn’t walk out of that office. If she had left before things progressed, she wouldn’t have been considering her future at Chaos Machine Productions that morning.

She had to leave before someone found out what happened, somehow. No good would come from her staying at the company, and she had to move on. No matter how much she really didn’t want to.

It was the right thing to do after the chaos she had caused.

Jensen stared up at the ceiling of his home office, his head pressed back against his desk chair as he gnawed at his lip. He had been trying to work to distract himself from the situation with Y/N, but his mind was too occupied to concentrate on anything in front of him. He had left her message last night and earlier that morning, and she hadn’t responded yet. It was a Saturday, and she had only taken a few things home with her to work on, so he knew she wouldn’t be that busy. He knew he needed to talk to her, but he wasn’t sure if he should go to her house, not wanting to corner her in any way.

Things were definitely more clear now, almost 24 hours after everything went south. He was sure what happened was what they both wanted, and maybe she was just scared of any possible repercussions. He had to hope that was all it was.

Looking down at the time on the computer screen, he saw that it was almost 7pm. He had spent the whole day in that office and he really needed to get up and stretch his legs. Deciding that he had to take the leap, he looked up Y/N’s address from the company files he had a copy of his home computer, standing up from the desk once he had put it in his phone.

If she asked him to leave, then he would do it, but he had to fix things between them before it was completely unsalvageable.

Y/N poured herself a generous amount of wine into a glass, carrying it over to her couch and sitting down with her legs tucked under her. She hummed contently as she took a sip, extremely glad that it was finally at a decent hour in the day when she could switch from coffee to wine. She had Thai food on the way, and she wanted to find something on Netflix that would distract her from how she had been feeling all day. She was angry at herself for what she had done, and she was sad too. She wasn’t ready to leave the company that she had loved to be a part of so soon.

She was really going to miss the work, and the people, especially Jensen. Even if her feelings for him had been the reason for this mess in the first place.

The doorbell ring echoing through the house made her frown, as she stopped flicking through all the titles on Netflix. She placed her glass on the coffee table and stood up, her bare feet padding down the small hallway to the front door. She gasped as her eyes widened once it was opened, seeing Jensen on the other side.

“Hey,” he greeted her, that timbre of his voice reigniting the heat within her instantly.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, softly as she gulped. She was nervous to be around him, knowing she had no control of what she felt for him.

“Well, you haven’t called me back despite me asking you to, twice, so I thought I should pay you a house call,” he explained, his green eyes locked on her.

“Jensen, I…” she sighed, shaking her head, unsure of how to say what she needed to say.

“Y/N please, let’s just talk about this, okay?” he reasoned.

Pressing her lips together as she thought it over, she nodded slowly. “Okay.”

She stepped aside and let him step into the house, closing the door and leading him into the living area. She turned back to face him, her hands nervously twisting each of her fingers as she dropped her gaze to the floor. She was afraid of where this conversation would go, and she didn’t want to upset him in any way. Before she could open her mouth to speak, he was right in front of her, his curled finger under her chin tilting her head up to look into his eyes once more.

“I was so sure that what happened was what you wanted,” he started, his voice low and husky, working through his thoughts as he spoke. “If I hurt you, did something you didn’t want in any way, please, please tell me.”

She shook her head, feeling tears prick her eyes. “You didn’t do anything that I didn’t want. It was-it was all amazing. You were amazing-”

“Then why’d you run off, darlin’?” he asked, softly.

“I shouldn’t have stayed behind in the first place,” she replied, sniffling as a few tears escaped. “If what we did got out somehow, it could risk things for you and I don’t want that. I couldn’t handle it if I was responsible for your career being in jeopardy. So I… I think I have to leave the company.”

He sighed heavily, fearing she’d want to do that. None of it was her fault, and he was starting to realize it wasn’t his, either. He acted on impulse, and they shouldn’t have done anything at work, but he knew he liked her a lot. And from what she just said, he knew she liked him, too. There was nothing wrong with that. They could keep things secret from a while, until she decided whether she wanted to move onto another production company or was in charge of her own series. She was so talented and capable of anything, and he wanted to be in her life to support her in her dreams.

“I had a feeling you’d say that,” he admitted, never taking his eyes off her as he continued, “I told myself I’d let you go if that’s what you wanted, but I think, even in the short time you’ve been here, I know you. I know that’s not what you want, is it?”

“No,” she whispered, her voice cracking.

“Then stay,” he stated, a small smile playing at his lips as he wiped away her tears with his thumbs. “Stay at the company, and everything else will work out. We’ll keep things between us until you want to move on.”

“But what about-” she started but he slowly leaned down, cutting off her words with a soft kiss.

“It’s nothing we can’t handle together,” he muttered against her lips. Lifting his head slightly, his green eyes gazed into hers as his smile widened. “I like you, Y/N. So, so much. Since the day I saw you. And I know in time that I could find myself loving you. I’m ready to give this a shot if you are.”

She beamed as she moved closer to him, her hands clinging to his shirt as she looked up at him. “I really like you, too. I’m ready.”

Jensen chuckled lightly as he leaned down, kissing her passionately as his arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her close. She smiled against his lips as the embrace continued, her hands moving up and draping around his neck. The doorbell ringing again made him groan in frustration as he pulled away, looking behind him.

“That’s my Thai food,” she giggled, biting her lip. “Do you… wanna stay for dinner?”

He turned back to her, smirking as he pecked her lips once, twice. “I’d love to.”

They pulled away from each other and he gestured for her to wait, walking towards the door to get the food for her. Y/N couldn’t help the smile that pulled wide at her lips as she thought about the last 24 hours and the drastic way her life had changed. She wouldn’t take one thing back now that it all worked out for the best. She knew that things would be difficult as they kept their relationship secret, but she was more than willing to try with Jensen by her side.

She got to keep the job she loved, stay with the people she had become close with, and be with the man she had fallen for on the very first day at Chaos Machine Productions. If someone had told her all of this would happen when she moved to L.A., she wouldn’t have believed them. But she knew one thing for certain.

She wouldn’t change a single moment.

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[wilt3d-r0zes]

Fic Name (and link): Feel Like I Could Die Today Series: Lab Rats Characters: Chase Davenport, Marcus Davenport Pairings: N/A Trigger Warnings: Sensory Overload, Autistic Meltdown, Vivid Descriptions of Self Harm Urges (things like ripping your skin off, acid, etc) Important Tags: Autistic Chase Davenport, Autistic Meltdown, Angst, Good Brother Marcus Davenport, Hurt/Comfort, Redeemed Marcus Davenport, Takes Place After Elite Force is Founded. Summary: Protip: Don't spend 12hrs working on code. I don't care if you're bionic, don't do it. Or, I watched Free Guy and was liike wow. Keys is literally so autistic. I wonder if there's any fanfiction of him being autistic and there WAS. Exactly one beautifully written meltdown fic and i was like imma do that imma write a fic inspired by this so i did. (It's linked as the inspiration o7) (title is from A Little Bit Off by Five Finger Death Punch)

Inspired By:

shaking hands

by Anonymous

Chase stared at the computer in his lap. At the screen of code he's been agonizing over for who knows how long. The program wasn't working. It definitely should be, he's gone over the code four times trying to find whatever error he missed but it's yielding nothing but increased frustration when he tests it and nothing happens.

The only option he really has is to restart. But this is hours of work-- hours of slaving over this stupid little laptop that he'd lose because of what's probably one line of code he missed and can't find. He hates restarting, loathes losing hours of progress on a 'first draft.' 

A hand lands on his shoulder, one that's hard and identifiable as Marcus based purely on the fact it's made mostly out of metal. Despite this, his synthetic skin burns against Chase-- which, of course, isn't possible unless he developed a new bionic ability and decided to turn on him-- again-- but chances are pretty low that that's happened.

(Again.)

Still, he shrugs off the hand, turning back to look at the android with wide eyes. Marcus stares back at him with a blank expression, one he wears more often than not now that he's stopped putting up a facade of human emotional responses. "When's the last time he slept?"

Chase just turns back around. He doesn't need this right now, he needs to finish this project. He said he could finish it in a few hours, and it's already well beyond that mark. This program could help take a massive load off Adam, Leo and Marcus until other locations are finished and more mission overseers can be promoted. Hell, it'll even help after that happens.

He scrolls back to the top of the project, trying to scan the code- just one more time- but finds himself squinting beyond diagrams, theories, digital post-it notes and warnings on his information hud. He can barely read any of the letters, numbers and symbols that were supposed to create something helpful but sit there like a useless pile of junk.

Chase swings the mouse over to the New Project button near the top, the sound of plastic on the countertop a grating swoosh of agony that's so much louder than it ever had any right to be.

(Why didn't Douglas give him an on/off switch for his bionics?)

He ground his teeth, a habit that he'd been doing since before he started highschool and one day is going to cost him his teeth. "Dude," Marcus starts, his voice like a freight train in Chase's ear-- it's enough to make him flinch, so the next thing Marcus says he, evidently, turns the volume down so low you wouldn't be able to hear it unless you took his voice box out and put your ear right up next to it, "How long have you been out here?"

Chase continues to glare at the code, another thing popping up on his HUD. The time. 2:32. He'd been working on this for nearly twelve hours.

(Teach him to think "Oh, one more hour can't hurt." Really, he should've learned that six years ago. Probably longer.)

His hands falter, and he pulls them away from the computer enough to notice how much he's shaking, the trembling through his entire body that feels like low-blood sugar and a panic attack had a baby.

(Ew.)

Without the mouse in his hand and the keyboard underneath his fingers, grounding him to the real world and giving him something to focus on, he's overcome with the sudden urge to bang his head on the counter he's working on. Again, this would yield little no results other than pain, and he's overwhelmed enough as it is.

Instead, he reaches his shaking hands up to run through his hair, only to catch the strands in his hand and yank. His scalp burns where he pulls hairs out completely, but he can't bring himself to stop, slowly dragging his still-gripped mess of semi-gelled hair until his slimy hands cover his eyes and he wants nothing more than to be drowned in a vat of acid to get rid of the feeling.

But there are no vats of acid for him to drown himself in, so instead he finds himself standing from the desk with little more than the thought of getting away from the danger of his own senses. Then, he’s standing in the medbay.

The lights are off, and with Douglas gone to the Elite Force and nobody actively injured, it’s empty. Marcus has evidently followed him, something he didn’t notice in the walk in his panic to get out.

His shoes squeak when he tries to rock onto the balls of his feet, a screaming sound that genuinely brings up warning on his HUD. His hands find their way to his arms, too-long nails digging into them. Without the focus of his computer or the code in front of him, all he wants to do is scream and hit things– anything, something to distract from the sensory overload that makes his very skin feel horrible.

Marcus grabs him when his hand first makes contact with his shoulder, solid arms wrapped around him and burying his face in unscented clothes. He squirms, and eventually he finds himself sinking to the floor with Marcus still wrapped around him. His throat burns and his hands hurt, and he doesn’t have the foggiest idea why.

His face is wet, and a sound he can’t identify with his bionics working overtime makes him drag his throbbing hands to his ears. His throat burns, like he got rugburn on his vocal cords. His head hits solid metal, but it doesn’t make the feelings go away. Abruptly, he realizes he’s screaming. The realization makes him snap his mouth shut, carelessly clacking his teeth together so his brain rattles and his jaw aches. A whimper follows and his squirming reignites until Marcus tightens the arms wrapped around him.

He slumps, a broken sob raking along his strained throat. The fight suddenly leaking out of him so he’s just laying against his brother, crying. He feels pathetic, suddenly. Useless– freaking out over a program that would take only a few hours to rewrite.

He opens his mouth to apologize, but all that comes out is a breath of hot air. Above him, he hears things whirr when Marcus activates his voice box and fan, “It’s alright.”

His volume is still low, though it doesn’t grate any more than it would’ve three hours ago. The fan whirring to life makes his chest rumble slightly, a layer of surprisingly calming sensory input that makes Chase wish he hadn’t already slumped so he could simply melt away the tension still writhing in his muscles.

“I know how it is, don’t worry about it,” Marcus continues, chest mimicking the way it’s supposed to move when a human talks, “We can stay here as long as you need.”

One good thing about Marcus being an android: he doesn’t really get bored easily. He really could sit here with Chase for the next few hours with plenty to entertain him, having full access to the internet. He once told them that he could bring up games on his HUD– something Chase is forever jealous about.

However long they lay there, with Marcus positively compressing his brother, it’s long enough for Chase to doze off into a dreamless sleep, where Marcus picks him up and deposits him on the couch in the mentors quarters and settles in on the chair to watch tv until he wakes up.

[itsnothingofinterest]

Thanks for your answer 🙂👍

Something different that I wanted to ask you about also, do you find it interesting how different shigaraki and AFO fighting styles appear even though they're pretty much the same?

AFO and shigafo attack and get beat up, often appearing to be on the losing end of any conflict even when dominating, never really landing many dramatic blows (except for bakugo, but didn't he kind of blow himself up? Wasn't really clear on that).

Meanwhile the real shigaraki in recent chapters and before is always recklessly coming at the opponent and looking epic/confident doing it, even though he isn't really on top in the fight. Like a difference in framing sort of thing.

What do you think?

I have noticed that; how, regardless of who ends up actually winning or losing, AFO tends to feel a lot less dignified in combat as his fights progress where Tomura does not. And I think it comes down to a more balanced staline.

Although I will say that on the surface, I think Tomura’s just the better fighter. A more heroic fighter, actually, with his capacity to take to the frontlines and tackle any opponent head on. Granted that may be in part because on paper he can kill anyone he tackles, but still. On top of the Shimura-isms of always looking confident and remembering what he's fighting for; he’s someone with resilience, intellect, dexterity, strength, and frontline combat experience. Well-rounded; a lot like Deku actually. And that was before the procedure that made him the strongest character in the series. He’s a deadly beast of an opponent, you can see why he alone keeps getting isolated.

Though, man it’d be awesome to see a fight where Shigaraki’s actually fighting alongside some allies for once. It’s frankly unfair Deku keeps getting all these assists when Tomura keep getting separated from his team to fight alone so often lately.

AFO/TomurAFO meanwhile…well honestly it’s at times hard to get a read on his strategy besides how it so often doesn’t work. He likes flashiness for sure; but sometimes that means to get up close & rush the opponent, and sometimes he keeps his distance to play it safe. (For all that matters when so many opponents like to close that distance to just wail on him.) One read on his strategy could say he changes it up to suit his opponent & circumstance, but a less-generous read may say he doesn't have one. It's possible he just spams whatever applicable quirks he has and hopes it works, as I honestly think he doesn’t actually have much direct combat experience. Would explain how he sometimes seems to forget certain quirks, like the Infrared quirk that should’ve seen through Camie’s illusions.

AFO does have one definite go-to tactic though; psychological manipulation. Granted getting into his opponents’ heads by talking only works like half the time, they get wise after the first attempt; but boy does he get what the symbolism would be for him to out-punch All Might, the guy who out-punches all evil.

But overall; I must repeat myself that Tomura's just a better fighter. I remember that being one of the ways I argue AFO was hindering the PLF and proving a bad villain, Tomura's the better pilot of his own body. Because while AFO can act like the big bad Demon Lord for a while, that pomp, flash, & raw power is all he's got; and once it's overcome, any defeat is humiliating. Tomura, meanwhile, avoids such humiliation by always managing an air of combat competence that feeds into consistent intimidation.

Really it might be as simple as the fact that AFO's got insane brute power in many forms, but lots of weaknesses to exploit, and that feels like the fault of his ego. But not only does Tomura now have even more brute power than AFO, he's got more well-rounded stats like Deku; so he doesn't really have such weak-points; just tactics that may work better than others. So ever since around Kamino, any lose on his part hasn't felt like his failing, but instead an accomplishment of his opponent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also, regarding Bakugou's heart, just because I've always been meaning to talk about it:

It's actually hard to tell. AFO might have gotten a hit in; but the visuals and circumstances make it seem a lot more like it exploded from Bakugou's quirk. Personally speaking, I prefer to read it as Bakugou doing himself in; it would speak to how incompetent AFO & his villain attack have been that the one kill he tried to take credit for, half the total hero casualties of this war, was self-inflicted.

Also it’s…honestly kinda funny now that we know it's not sticking. Dude went all out so bad he blew himself up 2 minutes in. I hope he never lives that down when this war is over, Denki should ride his ass on that for the entirety of their careers.

[capraccio]

Rewatching Other M to get the most accurate rewrite as I remember most of it but my god I forgot just how badly it flopped. 

Like the ideas it presents isn’t bad. A more reflective Samus is in fact welcome, one who realizes that who she was in the past has changed due to war and thus those relationships has changed. But it fails to do what she should’ve been reflecting on, instead of the baby dying how about the planet she was raised on an the robot she called her mother literally being evil and destroying the planet?? 

Also a lot of how they present the federation military makes it seem like such a joke! I’m not pro military or anything of that regard, but the lack of any consistency in rules is ridiculous. How did they just let her wear her power suit? WITHOUT knowing the technology involved, it was way too easy to go rogue and military in general is insane about conformity and making sure everyone looks uniform. But they allow a Chozo suit? I get it, it’s to have her stand out as she’s the main character but like why didn’t she wear the same suit as everyone on the platoon.

Also they made her a teenager which yikes? A 16 year old on the battlefield, I don’t care how much training she had why didn’t they make her an adult like her canon timeline wise? Because they’d have to admit she was like idk, in her late 20s early 30s? Egads, what a travesty, women aging!

Of course there’s the Adam authorizing usage of shit ridiculousness, which I’m writing off as she’s using her discretion and sometimes getting a “Don’t destroy that.” to keep her from using her more wild abilities. But Samus’ discretion isn’t good enough for a video game but like idk find a different reason then just “I gotta listen to this man who I obviously have a strained relationship with right now to try and regain his favor”

And Adam does NOTHING to justify why he’s acting the way he does. What about him is someone you’d want to listen to as a literal Chozo warrior who’s capabilities far outweigh any humans with no reason to listen to. Literally why not start him out cold because he’s actually really nervous from having knowledge he has to keep under wraps as well as hurt feelings, so he just defaults to professional and distant which pisses of Samus righteously, then as things progress he turns more into that Adam that cares as well as someone who you’re like, ok I can see why he earned her favor.

Also Ian and Adam. Who the FUCK authorized Adam to command a mission Ian was also actively assigned to??? Why not just have they were both mourning and the way they mourned ended up in hurt feelings. 

The music also just isn’t good and the monsters are like. Man. why is the nightmare there? That contradicts fusion heavily. 

Speaking of fusion how did computer Adam have a more likeable personality than alive Adam? 

Also I have such an issue with Anthony calling Samus Princess because it contradicts why Adam is allowed to call her Lady. “He called me "Lady" on missions; from anyone else, it would've sounded sarcastic, but Adam made it sound dignified “ 

Princess is definitely sarcastic and Fusion Samus would have shut that nickname down real fucking quick. 

Idk I have so many ramblings about this game. 

[sunspray-peak]

Ch. 55: History Lessons & Arcane Confessions

SUNDAY - WINTER 7 

He felt better.

And not only because Dr. Harvey had finally declared his fingers and hand fully healed—the doctor had been most pleased at his body’s progress. His mind’s, however… well, still not 100%. But at this rate, Achilles didn’t know when he’d ever feel 100% ever again, so he might as well start learning how to live at 40%. 

That being said, there were only a few choice people he felt he could currently bare to be around. He hadn’t the energy for either idle chatter or for powering his poker face, and mercifully, it was Caroline who was manning the register at Pierre’s today, rather than Abigail or the nosy proprietor himself. Rather than remark on his strange behavior the day of the ceremony, or on his recent absence from the general store, she merely handed him his post-jog tea and wished him a good day. 

Alex was in Zuzu, Elliott out of town, and Leah hard at work on an ice sculpture for tomorrow’s festival, but Achilles was determined to keep himself out from the quicksand confines of his house today, and so, with Elliott’s novel under his arm, he ventured to Pelican Park with a small bag of grapes and his third favorite pen. 

Luck (finally) continued to be on his side. Maru and Penny were the only ones out and about around town it seemed, and they too politely kept their noses out of his personal business when they ran into each other by the fountain. 

Penny thanked him for the books he had paid for to be bound—“The students were so excited!” —before adding a rather intriguing offer. “Have you ever considered teaching? Meridian Middle is always looking for substitute teachers, if you’re ever looking for something to do…”

He could feel Maru, perceptive at usual, taking note of the dark circles under his eyes, his dry skin, the cracked lips. But having more tact than likely many others in the town, the girl chose to nod at his beanie instead. “The temperature is forecasted to drop a bit more. You should check out the spa, it’s right by my place. It opened earlier this week for the first time in like thirty years—don’t worry, I tested the water, everything’s fine—but it’s really nice. Excellent if you need a place to relax and replenish…” 

A spa, huh? Didn’t sound like a bad idea. His gloves hadn’t been enough to ease the frost from his increasingly numb fingertips, and his handwriting was definitely getting sloppier by the second. He thanked the pair and, following their directions, made his way north. 

*****

Outside of his jogs, Achilles had visited the railroad perhaps only three times since moving to Stardew Valley. It seemed a strange place for a spa. Not that the train came through the Valley all too often, but he imagined that the rumbling and horns, even just twice a day, couldn’t be the most conducive to what should’ve been a relaxing environment. 

The creamy wooden facade of the building seemed an odd choice as well, a stark contrast to the angular tempered glass of the sauna visible at the back. Wooden stools had been placed within amidst large leafy plants. They looked alive and well—quite unusual, given the Winter season. 

Most mysterious.  

He passed a small water feature gurgling near the front—he could feel the heat of the water already—and padded softly through the front doors, unsure of what to expect.

No lobby. Not even a front desk, let alone a receptionist. Just an empty square of a room, tiled in seafoam green ceramic.

Most mysterious indeed. 

To the left, the women’s locker room. He headed for the swinging door on the right. 

More seafoam tiles. Very retro—Maru had said it hadn’t been open in three decades. That being said, the space seemed clean enough. A few mint colored towels had been set out, tightly rolled, next to the showers. There was even a small weight room in the back. 

The pages of Elliott’s novel were already beginning to curl in the growing humidity. Deciding that he’d finish reading later, he dropped the binder off in one of the lockers, all empty, except for one plastered with a few faded photos of bodybuilders. He followed the trail of stifling heat out to the spa. 

Like the rest of the space, it wasn’t anything fancy. Hell, Achilles’ tub at home was nicer than this electric blue tiled wasteland (seriously, between the trains and the color scheme, how in the world was this supposed to be a place to “relax?”). But the steam was seductive, and he found himself drawn deeper into the space. The pool was large, shaped almost like a wine glass, with a narrow stem connecting the larger half to the deep end at the other side of the room. 

Not having anticipated coming here, he hadn’t brought a change of clothes. That being said, it took only a few minutes of soaking his feet in the lightly perfumed waters before he stripped down to his underwear and immersed himself completely. How had he gone through life never knowing how to properly float? Thank goodness for Alex. 

Alex… 

Breathe in.

He closed his eyes.

Breathe out. 

He was in deep now. Yes. Very deep. He could tell by the little thrum in his chest, the flutter in his rapidly beating heart. 

Well. You ought to do something about it, then. 

That’s what the Achilles of yesteryear would do. Make a move. Or, at the very least, say something, instead of pining like a pathetic, hopeless romantic. Now that part of him believed that there could be chance, that he hadn’t imagined Spirit’s Eve… 

And even if the feelings weren’t reciprocated—well, he could at least say he tried. Had done everything that he could have. No regrets, right? What was the harm? Alex wouldn’t think of him any differently. He’d turn him down gently, he could picture it even now. 

Oh wow! Really? I’m really flattered, Ash. I just… I’m not attracted to guys. I’m really sorry. But I think you’re so cool, and I’m really glad we’re friends… 

He’d be wide-eyed and apologetic. He’d probably be biting his lip, futzing with his hair, tapping his foot… Achilles couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought of it. 

But if his feelings were reciprocated… 

Oh. 

Was it possible for him to turn any redder in the sweltering heat of the spa? 

Oh, but was he even ready for something? Was it even fair to say anything, for either of them? He had no job, no goals, no plan. Where was he even going to be living next year? He could be back in Hyacinthia for all anyone knew… 

But what if he stayed? He had his farm, he could take Penny up on her offer, perhaps teach a bit at the middle school. And maybe… maybe he could write. 

Fat chance. You can barely string two words together these days. 

Such a quiet life it’d be, to stay in the Valley. Nothing like what he had always wanted for himself. The glitz and the glamor and the titles and awards and attention. 

If he stayed—even if Alex did want him—would it be enough? Would it ever be enough, or would he always be yearning for something more? 

You will never be content. 

*****

When he opened his eyes, there was nothing to see. Nothing to hear. Nothing to feel. No curls of steam or the gentle splash of the water. But there was a familiarity in the utter darkness, and so he was not afraid. 

“Rasmodius?” 

The lights flickered on. 

Still in the spa, he was. Thank Yoba for small favors, he wasn’t in the mood to go traipsing down a darkened tunnel to the Wizard’s supply closet. Then again, had he ever been in the mood… 

Standing across from him, pacing along the edge of the pool and still wearing his heavy black cloak, was Rasmodius. 

“Do you know what is so special about this spa?” Rasmodius’ voice, low and husky, echoed across the chamber. 

“No. I’m afraid I don’t.” 

“Nothing, now.” A bitter, empty bark of a laugh that Achilles did not return. “Nothing… just another keystone…” 

The Wizard paused his pacing to study Achilles’ stony visage through the steam. 

“You are angry with me.” 

“No.”

Like grudges, anger—pure anger, that is—was not an emotion Achilles often managed to hold on to for long. It had always burned too fiercely and too fast for him, and was usually more or less quick to settle somewhere between disgust and indifference. Nevertheless, as the syllable escaped his mouth, so too did the hollow of his apathy, to be replaced by a scarlet flash, sour in his throat like bile. 

“Actually, on second thought. Yes. Yes I am. Angry.” 

Under the milky water, his hands balled into fists, but he kept his voice steady even as his stomach churned in this sudden resurgence of rage, fueled all the more by Rasmodius’ dull-eyed, impassive stare.

He was just starting to feel like a person again, why did Rasmodius feel the need now, of all days, to disturb this fragile, newfound peace. 

“Do you remember the first day we met? Back in the Spring, after I found your scroll in the community center. You told me I had passed a test. And you said that… that maybe the Valley would need me.” God, the words sounded childish. Oh, you thought you were special? This was nothing but embarrassing.

But in his anger, he continued. 

“You were real cagey about it. Real wishy washy. Didn’t make any promises, no assurances—but it was whatever. I thought, you know, fine. Sure. Don’t think too much about it, Achilles. Find something else to occupy your time. Until a shadow brute in Sunspray Peak confirmed it. That I… that I was somehow… connected. To the mines. And to the fate of the Valley. 

“And so I brought it up to you. I wanted your wisdom, I wanted your help. But what did you do, Rasmodius? You told me to forget about it. You told me I was… useless. That I didn’t have a purpose here.” 

And that’s all you wanted, wasn’t it? A purpose. A reason why you should matter. 

“But I ended up in the mines, anyway, didn’t I? With barely a warning. Next to no preparation. Little idea of what to expect down there. But I had asked you, remember? I had asked you for help, for information, and you enchanted me instead. The things I saw down there. The things I heard… I thought I was going to die. I sometimes now wish I had.” 

Achilles was trembling now. He had tried hard not to waver, he had cried enough this past week, and he’d be damned if he shed any tears before this damned Wizard—but even so. It was hard to keep the strain from his voice. 

“God, I’m angry—fuck. But—” He collapsed against the wall, brought his hands to his forehead, covered his eyes.

He didn’t make you any promises. This was all your own fault. You wanted to be special so damn bad, didn’t you? Couldn’t just leave it all alone. You’re just looking for someone to blame. Always. You don’t deserve to be angry at anyone but yourself.  

 “I’m not angry with you. Fuck. I’m… I’m angry at— I’m pissed that… God, I wanted to start over so badly when I came here, I wanted to start something new, and I just never knew how, and I thought… I thought this was it, didn’t I? I thought this was my chance. Fucking hell…” 

Rasmodius said nothing. For a minute, the only sound was the fluorescent hum of the lights. 

When he finally turned to meet Achilles’ gaze, there was a heavy sorrow in his violet eyes. The Wizard’s shoulders were stooped as he slowly removed his hat and held the brim tightly in both hands. In a soft, quivering voice, as weak as Achilles had ever heard it, Rasmodius said, “I owe you an explanation. But I first must ask if you are willing to hear it.” 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“The truth can be both difficult to speak and difficult to hear. You will see that I believed my actions to be justified—and that, you may not like to hear.” 

Achilles didn’t bother biting back his scoff as he paddled for the shallow end, where he could better face Rasmodius head on. He took a seat on a shelf built against the wall, still half-submerged within the comforting confines of the steaming water.

Meanwhile, the Wizard had conjured closer one of the wooden benches that had been lining the upper half of the pool. He fixed his robes and took a weary seat. 

And once Achilles had made himself comfortable, he began. 

*****

“I had always had an interest in spirits. From a young age, I found that I could speak to them. And they to me. And thus, it came to be that to visit the Astral Plane was as easy as stepping foot into my own home. 

“I began to devote the bulk of my work to their study, and in my research, I found myself drawn to a trivial little town situated in a trivial little valley tucked into the southern coast of the Ferngill Republic. Most of my compatriots cared little for history—it is not quite so flashy a field as others, as you can imagine—but I knew my pursuits would one day pay off, and so despite their ridicule, I studied on. 

“The land that is now called Stardew Valley had been a major battle ground during the Spirit Wars, though most of its secrets and stories have naturally been lost to time over the past two thousand years. That being said, magic leaves its marks. And I, young and naive, and desperate to prove my worth, was confident I would be the one to uncover them.

“The original inhabitants of the land—this was roughly three centuries ago—came for the iridium buried deep within the Sunspray Mountains. Stardew Valley a mining town. Can you imagine that? 

“With thanks to a certain Mayor Jonathan Keppler, for whose diary I spent decades searching, I learned that several years after the founding of the town, the miners accidentally uncovered a long forgotten artifact from the beginning of our world, from before the Wars, before humanity, even. A Portal, leading directly from the Spirit Plane into ours. 

“It was not supposed to exist. As you know, the Portals were all destroyed to prevent another war. 

“But in finding this Portal, the townsfolk must have woken it, and in doing so, provided the shadow spirits—who had long been exiled to the Spirit Plane after their loss in the wars—the gateway they had been waiting for to infiltrate our world. 

“Mercifully, the townsfolk were quick to recognize their mistake. The practice and study of the arcane, you see, was more widespread among the common folk such as yourself back then. The mines were quickly abandoned, and blood magic used to seal off the floors in an attempt to rectify their folly. 

“Why blood, I do not know. It is an incredibly crude sort of magic, one that demands a high price. But it is simple and straightforward; it is likely the townsfolk had little time to develop a more thorough solution.

“Regardless, it ultimately ensured that only those who shared blood with those who crafted the enchantment would be able to pass through the trapdoors that separated floor from floor. The shadow spirits, obviously having no relation to any of the townsfolk, would therefore be unable to leave the confines of the bottom most floor of the mines. Trapped forever they were, unable to escape their granite cage. You see, boy, it essentially rendered the Portal useless. 

“Stardew Valley was safe. And so, in turn, the entirety of our Plane. A war had been prevented. 

“But all magic will naturally weaken over time, if not occasionally renewed. Although the danger had passed, few folks remained in the town after these events, and I surmise that fewer still remembered the stories that their forebears told of the shadow spirits that had once nearly broken through.  

“You have been taught that the shadow spirits’ power waxes and wanes with the season, reaching a peak the week of Spirit’s Eve?” 

Achilles grunted an affirmative. 

“Approximately 40 years ago, precisely on Spirit’s Eve, we wizards heard rumblings of a severe disruption within the Spirit Plane. Something had happened. 

“What that something was, we wizards were unsure—but the disturbance was swiftly traced across the sea to Stardew Valley. My work had finally paid off. I was the obvious choice, and was swiftly selected by my guild to leave immediately for Ferngill to investigate further and report back. 

Rasmodius’ eyes gleamed—a greedy shine evident even through the spa’s steam. “I was… triumphant. I deserved this. This was my opportunity to demonstrate my worth to my guild once and for all. No longer would they sneer and turn up their noses at my endeavors. No. They would all know my name, now.

“For not only would I locate the information that we sought—I was determined to find the solution to whatever problem had clearly occurred. Singlehandedly. 

“But when I arrived, I learned that folks in this simple little town had, to use a common phrase, beaten me to the punch. I speak of course of Marlon. Gil.” 

“And Mona.” Achilles had interrupted, his voice biting and low as he watched Rasmodius for any signs of remorse. 

Rasmodius did not disappoint. His violet brows drew closely together at the mention of her name. 

“Ah. Yes. And Mona. The third member of this so-called ‘Adventurer’s Guild’…” 

Here, the Wizard’s voice wavered. A barely imperceptible shake of his head. 

“Perhaps it was jealousy. More likely it was pride. But I chose to ignore them.

“Nobody knew spirits like I did, and those three had not spent decades studying the arcane arts as I had. I did not need help, least of all the help of backwards, bumbling young villagers who likely wouldn’t recognize a spirit if one raked its poisonous claws across their face. 

“I conducted my experiments away from them. They busied themselves with what was clear to me a misinformed, futile mission in the mines, and for the first year or so, I let them carry on with their business while I carried on with mine. 

“But success wasn’t as easily found as I had anticipated. The disturbance was clearly connected to the mines, and, I assumed, to the Portal the mountain housed deep within itself. But from what I could discern, the seals upon the trapdoors were still intact. No shadow spirits had escaped their prison. I could hear their murmurs from deep within the fortress of the abandoned mines.” 

Had a breeze rippled across the water? Or perhaps the cold had come from within him, a bone chilling shiver that had sent Achilles’ body recoiling at the memory of those same murmurs. 

“I began to second guess myself. I began to miss my books, my mentors, fellow wizard and witches. Perhaps I would, in fact, need reinforcements, to better understand this puzzle.

“But war had just broken out between Ferngill and the Gotoro Empire, and in my willful pride, I had delayed too long. Almost overnight, I lost contact with my guild. I was on my own. It was what I had wanted, wasn’t it?” Rasmodius’ chortle wheezed into a sigh. “No… it was then I finally realized, I could not do this on my own. But too little too late, as they say, is that right?

“If not for Mona…” 

Rasmodius stood now, and began again his pacing along the edge of the pool. 

“She was a peculiar girl. Not a witch, but common, like yourself, and thus born with the more limited magical abilities of your kind. But she was an incredibly bright young lady—fearless and strong, and a fellow lover of history. A quick learner who had managed to teach herself a number of skills steeped in the arcane. 

“She approached me the Spring of my third year in the Valley. The Adventurer’s Guild had approached me before, of course, but only now was I, in my desperate state, willing to hear them out. 

“She spoke first of monsters that had been terrorizing the town at night. I had known this, of course, from my own examinations, but I had not given them much thought. Monsters, after all, are not spirits. They are of little danger in the grand scheme of things…”

Fuck you, tell that to all the bruises on my body. But Achilles held his tongue. 

“Now the Adventurer’s Guild had originally been working to stem their invasion. But Mona was a highly discerning young lady and she found it highly unusual the rate at which the monsters only seemed to gain strength and numbers, no matter how many they killed.

“For weeks, she diligently traced their tracks back to the Sunspray Mountains, and subsequently surmised there must have been something strange happening down in the mines. Something must have been providing extra power to the monsters. 

“That was when the Guild began their subterranean expeditions. And they discovered…” Rasmodius paused. A deep sigh left him, and he sat back down on the bench, hunched again, his forearms resting against his thighs. “And they discovered precisely what I had failed to see. 

“The seals in the mines had weakened significantly. The spirits had broken through the bottom most floor and had been spilling into the upper caverns. 

“Most were still unable to leave the mountains. The enchainments hadn’t fallen entirely, and only the strongest spirits could fully overcome the residual blood magic as well as the tether of the Portal —but even so. It was enough. The mines—one of the most vital keystones of the Elemental Walls that protected the Valley—had fallen to the shadow spirits. I realized then that the collapse of this first keystone must have been the disturbance we wizards had felt across the Gem Sea that Spirit’s Eve. 

“What is more, those spirits who could overcome the tether had already made their way to destroy the second closest keystone. The community center. There are five keystones in the Valley, Achilles. One falling was bad enough. Two would be disastrous. Three entirely apocalyptic. With three keystones destroyed, the entire Wall would fall. We would not be able to recover.” 

“How had I missed it? It was right under my nose. I had spent years studying the site, and I had not even an inkling. I hadn’t heard the spirits. Not on the surface—no, I had only heard their trapped screams deep within the crust of the earth.

“I began to question everything. What else had I missed? How had I failed to sense their presence at the community center? Were the other keystones safe? And why had I been so determined to act alone? 

“Yes, I had been prideful, yes I had thought myself above the Adventurer’s Guild—but to have been so dismissive, after a year of no progress? Why had I waited so long to have reached out to my guild for help? 

“That is when I knew… That, Achilles, is when I knew. I could not trust the voices. I could not trust my own thoughts. The shadow spirits must have infiltrated my mind—taking advantage of my arrogance, twisting my own thoughts to ensure that I did not get in the way of their success…

“That being said, we refused to give up. Mona and I put our heads together, combined our knowledge, our skills. I learned to trust her. She became… like a daughter to me.” 

Another sigh. Rasmodius buried his head in his hands. 

“Day in and day out, over the course of the Spring, we worked to find a solution in the mines, a way to revitalize the seals or perhaps implement new ones. Anything to keep the shadow spirits from continuing their infiltration. It would be a highly, highly difficult task with such a limited pool of magic—I was but only one Wizard, and Marlon and Gil’s gifts were more grounded in the physical— but we had no choice. We had to think of something, and we spent days and nights brainstorming, but it soon became clear there was only one way forward.

“We would have to destroy the Portal at the bottom of the mines. It would be difficult. It would be dangerous. But it was our only choice. Anything else would be but a temporary solution. 

“And so I joined the Adventurer’s Guild. Joined them on their expeditions into the earth, expeditions I had once ridiculed. Our only mission now was to destroy the Portal and save Stardew.

“I found I was able to descend, despite my lack of blood. The weakened enchantments that were allowing spirits through to the surface were of course responsible for my own success here, though of course, at the time, I attributed it all to my prodigious skill and power.” 

Rasmodius cleared his throat, and for the first time he raised his head to gaze across the water. But he didn’t look at Achilles—instead, his eyes were glazed and unfocused, frozen as they squinted at some invisible speck in the air. 

“For it was remarkable, how much… better everything was, after I joined. We descended faster than ever before. I crafted the elevator system. I found them iridium ore for their blades. I slew monsters and spirits with but a flick of my wrist. Our progress was unprecedented, because of me. Yes, I would be the reason for our success…

“But with every floor, their cries grew louder. I could still hear them. Pounding at the edges of the mind that I had now learned to close. It was difficult, cutting them off—communicating with spirits had always been but second nature to me. I had spent hundreds, if not thousands, of hours in the Astral Plane over the years. As I said, from a young age, I could speak with them… and they with me… 

“But I had learned from my previous mistakes. I was on my guard now. I kept my mind closed, and my wits sharp. I knew their tricks. I would outsmart them and destroy them, and once the war ended, I would return to my guild in Gotoro triumphant. 

“I just needed to finish this one task…

“How many floors? How many more floors remained? That is what we asked ourselves each and every hour—60, 70, 80, 90—we had to be hundreds of feet deep, and we were running out of time. Winter was just around the corner, and all the hard work, all the progress we had made would be lost. 

“Marlon insisted we ought to wait. Typical of him—he was always too cautious, never fully understood the stakes. Everything was just an adventure to him. He said we ought to sit this Spirit’s Eve out and wait for the Winter to roll over with a fresh slate. We would be better prepared this time, he said. What was the harm in waiting another year?”

A dry, hollow laugh. 

“Much could happen in a year, is what I said to him in return. The community center could fall. We could not afford to wait, we had to do this now. Strike now! 

“Of course, Gil sided with Marlon. And Mona… I was outnumbered. We argued…

“I told them I would do it myself. After all, hadn’t I been doing most of the work up till then anyhow? I didn’t need them. We had only descended so far down the mines because of me—what had they been but dead weight? 

“I had nearly one foot out the door when Mona fell to her knees, begging me to reconsider. She had two rules. Never go alone. Never leave alone. And looking at her… I knew she was right. I acquiesced. I promised. We would wait and start anew in the Spring.” 

The gleam had returned to Rasmodius’ eyes. 

“But the night before Spirit’s Eve, I woke with a fire in me—we were so very close to the bottom, I could feel it. It was now or never.

“I knew the others would never agree, and so when everyone was asleep, I stole away to the mines alone.” 

Achilles could see it. A younger Rasmodius slipping out from the Adventurer’s Guild cabin into the dead of night, black cloaks swishing at his heels, hood hiding his violet hair as he skirted through the trees further up into the mountains.

“I took the elevator to the 98th floor. I cleared it myself. I went to the 99th floor. I cleared that myself. It was proof, all of it proof, that I did not need them, that I would secure this victory alone. 

“A swarm was waiting for me on the 100th floor. The largest I’d ever seen. But I could handle it—   I had to. It was I alone of all the Wizards who studied the spirits of the Ferngill Republic, no one knew than better than I—there had to be a reason. Yes, I had been brought to Stardew Valley for a reason. This was my destiny…“” 

A drop of sweat cascaded down Achilles’ neck from his brow. 

“That’s what I told myself. Even as the swarms grew larger and larger, and I struggled more and more to stay afloat, I told myself… this is your purpose. This is what you wanted…” 

A shadow crossed the Wizard’s face. Rasmodius took a moment to collect himself. 

“I would have died that night. The spirits… they became too much for even me. If it were not for Mona, Marlon, and Gil…

“They came. To save me. I couldn’t spare even a second to ask— how? when? why?—but together, together we fought the spirits, side by side, we cleared the floor, but— ” 

Rasmodius seemed to stifle a cry. He turned away from the pool, one palm braced against the tiles lining the walls. In a low, flat voice, he continued. 

“It was too much. It was Spirit’s Eve, the spirits were at maximum strength. When the dust finally settled, both Gil and Marlon…

“Mona begged me to return with her to the surface, to get them help, but I… I could not. It was them or the Valley. I told her this was our chance. That we were close—so very close. Why else would the spirits be fighting back so hard? 

“I pressed her to continue. And to my surprise… she agreed. I have regretted that ever since. 

“We left Marlon and Gil behind. We proceeded to the next floor and the next and the next, with little energy to fight, we could focus only on finding the trap doors… 

“Then they came…”

The lights flickered—or was it Achilles’ vision? He ran a hand across his brow, felt a cold sweat continue to bead along his temples. 

“I felt them clawing at my mind the moment we stepped foot on the 105th floor.

“They charged for us. But it was Mona he wanted, not me. It had always been Mona—I would never have made it to the bottom of the mines, I realized that now. The strongest seal of all had been placed upon its doors, and even in its weakened state, I would not have been able to overcome it. I did not possess the blood. And I did not possess the power… 

“But Mona… she had the blood. It was she who had to be taken out, I had been but the bait.

“They wanted to speak with me. The Shadow King. And I… I thought myself ready to receive their message. I do not know, perhaps I believed we could broker a deal. Or perhaps… it was curiosity. Perhaps I was… flattered that the Shadow King themself wanted to speak with me. And so I lowered my mind’s defenses, allowed myself to be transported to the Astral Plane…

“But upon my mind’s arrival, I realized… it was but a distraction. A sham. The Shadow King had been in my mind already, hidden in the corner. It was only now that I recognized their voice. 

“They must have targeted me the moment I had stepped into the Valley—because of my work and studies, I had spent much time with the arcane arts, opening my mind to spirits, and they had come to know my scent well on the Astral Plane. It must have been simple for them to track me down during my visits there, to break into my mind and see the thoughts, the desires within. 

“But how, you may ask! How… I… I who had thought myself above the spirits, who had closed my mind, who had thought myself well-versed in their tricks, especially after my realization in the Spring… how? How could I have been so deceived, again? 

“This is what you must understand, Achilles. This is what I had tried to protect you from. Shadow spirits thrive on chaos and darkness. When they find you, they will infiltrate your mind, will latch onto the worst parts of yourself, feed and grow your darkest thoughts.

“Now they cannot create on their own—no, they will never introduce new ideas into your head. But you see, that is all the more dangerous. For the words they secretly whisper will never seem foreign to you. The strongest spirits are capable of integrating themselves into your thoughts seamlessly. You would never know they were there, in your mind. 

“They knew I was weary of them, but they also knew that I thought myself two steps ahead, and they chose to further magnify that belief, until I thought myself so, so far above them that I subconsciously lowered my defenses, thereby allowing more spirits in my mind. A vicious cycle, is it not… 

“That night, taking advantage of their powers strengthened by Spirit’s Eve, they made their move. Over the past season, they must have been noting my resentment, my arrogance—amplifying it when needed, fostering it, nudging it until it reached a boiling point that very night, when finally, so sure in my belief I was, that I was the only one capable of saving the Valley, I left my bed. Left for the mines. They knew Mona would follow.

“When I realized I had been so easily tricked… well, I was paralyzed. Who was I? Were my thought truly my own thoughts? Was I even in control of my own mind?

“With my mind occupied, my mortal body was defenseless. I likely would have died—all of us would have died. If not for Mona… 

“It happened so fast. By the time my mind had returned from the Astral Plane, it was all over. The spirits were gone. The monsters gone. The Shadow King’s voice no longer whispering in my ear. And Mona… 

“She had used all of her strength, all her power, to temporarily send the shadow brutes back to their Plane and seal the trap door shut anew. 

“But I told you… blood magic demands a high price. And for a single individual, a common individual, no matter how extraordinary, the extent of the enchantment… the cost was her life. With her last breaths, she made me promise to save Marlon and Gil. Made me promise I wouldn’t leave them behind. 

“I obliged. After all…” A raw exhale from Rasmodius’ nose. “What else was there for me to do? With the enchantment renewed, I could no longer pass through the trap door.

“I took the elevator to the 100th floor. Retrieved Marlon and Gil, their broken bodies. Returned to the surface. We had failed. We had failed because of me. Because I had failed. Failed myself, failed my friends. 

“Consumed with regret. With self-hatred. You see, our mission was doomed from the start, Achilles. We had no idea how to destroy a Portal. In my arrogance, I had believed I had enough power to destroy it myself. But I knew now, I could never have even descended to the bottom. Our mission… Mona’s death… utterly pointless. A waste. Such a meaningless waste… 

“And in the days and weeks and seasons that followed, I couldn’t stop asking myself… Is this what you wanted, Rasmodius?” 

*****

Achilles had not moved from his place in the spa during the length of the story. 

Though his anger had faded after his earlier realization, it had surged once again upon hearing the Wizard’s tale. But this was a different sort of anger. One that chilled the heat of the spa, cool and and disquieting. 

He waited for Rasmodius to continue—he had been promised an explanation, not a history lesson—but it seemed the Wizard had run out of steam, and so he coldly tossed from across the waters, 

“Am I supposed to be feeling sorry for you?” 

Rasmodius glanced up, as if only now realizing Achilles were still there. 

“No. I do not expect you to.”

“Good. Because I don’t. You had all this knowledge, and you didn’t bother sharing it with Abigail and I when you had the chance—” 

“Achilles—”

“—That’s why everything was so easy for Abigail at first, wasn’t it? The first 100 or so floors. She was just taking care of your leftovers, wasn’t she? Because any new spirits coming through the Portal were blocked by the new trapdoor on the 105th floor.” 

“Yes… that is correct.” 

“But you never thought to warn her what might be coming after that? Warn both of us how fucked up it was going to get after that? Didn’t think we might, I don’t know, find that useful? Just sent her down. No problem.” 

“Let me remind you, Abigail had been working with Marlon—I had no idea she had been in the mines until the end of Summer—”

“Oh, so you’re blaming Marlon and Gil for keeping her in the dark?”

“No. There is no blame there.” Rasmodius faltered. “Marlon and Gil… they do not know the full events of that night. They do not know what occurred after the events of the 100th floor.” 

“You never told them.” Achilles scoffed. “Yoba, why am I not surprised—” 

“I was too ashamed. To tell them would be to confirm what I believe they have long suspected. That I was indeed the cause of Mona’s death.” 

“And you really felt that your shame was enough to justify sending another girl unknowingly to her near-death?” 

“I knew what remained in the mines.” Here, Rasmodius snapped and jumped to his feet, pointing an accusatory finger at Achilles who had seemingly touched a nerve. Nevertheless, he stubbornly remained unfazed and continued to stare the Wizard down. “I knew the danger was insignificant, that Abigail would be fine—she was never supposed to get past the 105th floor.”

“Well, you know, turns out, she did—“

“—the seal Mona placed upon it could never have been broken by someone unable to access the Astral Plane. In short, Abigail would never have been able to pass through without you—

“Oh so we’re blaming me now—”

“And you were never supposed to be down there either. At least… I had hoped you would never have to go down there…” 

Sensing another story, Achilles merely raised and eyebrow before burrowing deeper into the warmth of the water. Might as well make himself comfortable. The Wizard, on the other hand, began to once again pace, one hand kneading the layers of his robes, the other his forehead. 

“After the events of that night, I swore no one would ever go down those mines again. I worked to find an alternative solution… a way to rebuild and restrengthen the remaining keystones. I thought, perhaps, if I could find a way—then perhaps, with the seal Mona had placed on the 105th floor, that would be enough. That these two solutions combined could keep the shadow spirits at bay just until I could return to Gotoro and seek the wisdom of my guild members. 

“I sought to use the third keystone in the Valley. As valiant a fight the junimos have been fighting, the second keystone was too far gone to be saved so long as the mines continued to be in the shadow spirits’ possession.” 

So you left the junimos for dead. Just wrote them off. Sounds about right. 

“Right. And where is this third keystone?” 

“Here.” Rasmodius traced his fingers along the walls. “The hot spring below this spa was the third keystone for the Elemental Wall. Untainted by the stench of shadow spirits, I thought perhaps I could find a way to draw its energy and rebuild.” 

Rasmodius turned to face him. “And I had hoped perhaps that one day you could help me with this task. That you could be my apprentice.” 

The words came as a surprise. Achilles, who had settled back into his pejorative placidity, found himself breaking his poker face, exchanging it for a deeply furrowed brow of confusion.  

“What?” 

“The golden scroll in the community center… I told you, it was a test. I needed someone who was capable of communicating with spirits, who was able to access the Astral Plane. For many years I waited. Marlon and Gil’s gifts were, like Abigail’s, grounded in the physical. Yes, yes, it is possible to teach the art, but the difficulty increases tenfold where there is no natural aptitude. I believed it better to wait. Surely someone would come…

“The two of them were unsupportive anyway. They believed I was wasting my time. They still were following Mona’s orders… they still believed destroying the Portal was the only solution… Even I was beginning to lose hope… 

“And then you came. 

“I could see you were eager to learn. But a task of this importance is delicate, Achilles, and I needed to make sure you were right for the job, especially given your lack of experience with the arcane. I needed time to not only gauge your abilities, but your temperament. Your curiosity. How you approached problems with little guidance and information, how you handled pressure.”

“What is this, a job interview?”

Although in saying that, he supposed that, in a way, it had been. 

“I suppose I failed then,” Achilles grunted. “Bitter little bastard that I am…” 

“You scared me, Achilles. In studying you, I determined you were… toomuch like me. Eager for greatness, desperate for recognition. The shadow spirits had infiltrated my mind so easily, had taken advantage of those traits of mine, and that had ultimately led to the death of my dearest friend. And had I possessed decades of experience and training that you had not. 

“Regardless, I did not want to train you—bring you into the Astral Plane—any sooner than I needed, for the more time you spent there, the more familiar the shadow spirits would be with your scent, and the more vulnerable you would be to their influence. I feared that you would fall prey to the same things that I had. 

“Even so… I thought perhaps there was still a chance. I decided I would wait, just a bit longer, to judge your capabilities and your potential, even as Marlon informed me we were running out of time. 

“But I refused to see it. What did Marlon know of such things? I was willfully blind to the signs. The community center had lasted far longer than either of us had anticipated. Surely it could stand a few more years. 

“Even so, a part of me knew the end was near… I was studying the hot springs day and night, but I needed help and I knew I had no other choice. I would have to train you. 

“But then you fell ill, and Dr. Harvey recounted to me your strange visions and hallucinations. It was worrying—how had they found you? And so I put on the brakes. I thought you too vulnerable for training then, your scent was too fresh in the Astral Plane. I would wait again, just a little longer… 

“And then you came to me at the end of Summer, telling of a shadow brute on Sunspray Peak who spoke to you of your destiny. And it was exactly what I had feared. They had found you—you, who had spent so little time in the Astral Plane, how had they found you so easily? Already, it was evident, they were taking advantage of your desires. 

“And so yes, I enchanted you. I made you forget. I knew that if those thoughts—the thoughts that shadow brute first introduced to your mind—were encouraged, if you continued to think them, it would feed the spirits. It would be an utter frenzy in your mind, you would think of nothing else, just as I did, and it would ultimately lead you to your doom. 

“Yes. I made a decision. I would solve this myself, or I would go down the mines myself, no matter the cost. This would be my penance, for what I allowed to happen 40 years ago. 

“I did not want anymore people to die, Achilles. That is all I wanted. For you and Abigail to be safe.” 

“Funny way of showing it—” 

“But then Marlon came to me after Abigail’s accident… he took me to the community center, forced me to open my eyes. I realized then, there was no choice. We would not be able to withstand another year. It had to be done. You would have to descend. 

“But I still tried to protect you, Achilles. Sought to shield you the best that I could. You say I taught you nothing, told you nothing—yes. It was for your own good. You lacked the years of training to properly close your mind, there was not enough time—”

“You could have told me they were going to fucking control my mind or inception my mind or whatever shit, you don’t think that could’ve helped me, maybe? Help me be on the lookout—”

“Achilles, did I not tell you that I had fallen victim? I knew already the spirits would try to infiltrate my mind. Twist my thoughts. I knew! I knew everything there was to know, and yet I fell victim to them all the same. 

“If you had for even a second considered that you could outsmart the spirits, they would’ve sensed it. They need but the smallest seed of a thought—it doesn’t even have to be serious, it could have been a simple, speculative passing thought and they would latched onto it, grown it, transformed it so that it was all you could think about.

“I knew you, I saw within you myself. You could’ve believed yourself above their control, and the spirits would have sensed this, would have pushed you to take unnecessary risks you were unprepared for. No, the risk was too much.” 

“Wow, so does everyone in this Valley think I’m that narcissistic a prat—”

“Think about it, Achilles. If I had told you everything, would you not have thought yourself above it all? For even just a second, would you have believed yourself incapable of repeating the mistakes that I, of whose opinion you had was so low, had?”  

“I don’t know.” 

“Yes you do.” 

Achilles bit his lip and averted his gaze. Yes. Yes he would have. He would have thought himself better—smarter. He would’ve sworn he’d never make the same mistakes. 

Nevertheless, he plowed ahead, though more so out of sheer desperation to find some sort of fault in Rasmodius. 

Typical. Always need someone else to blame—

“It didn’t work, though, did it? You told me to close my mind, but we only won because I opened it, because I went to the Spirit Plane—”

“There is no right or wrong, Achilles! There is no single answer that guarantees success—there are a million different ways we could have defeated the shadow spirits, if we only had the time and resources and the knowledge to find them all.

 “You opened your mind and found your solution. Good. If you hadn’t, if you had kept your mind closed, perhaps you would’ve found an alternative solution that also would have worked. I told you what I believed would be the easiest and safest route to take. You adapted, you found something else. I’m glad you did.” 

The subsequent silence rang through the tile walls.

“How did he find me?” The question came out soft, like a child. “When I was sick. How did he get into my head?” 

“The Shadow King had grown in strength… I was not aware he had become so powerful, that his influence could have reached so far beyond the mines, and to have traced the scent of someone who had consciously stepped foot only once in the Astral Plane…”

“But what I don’t understand is… he made you angry. Back then— he made you impatient, you said he capitalized on your arrogance, that he brings out the worst in us. But he was making me happy. I was feeling good that Fall. And even in the mines, he told… he said hadn’t wanted to kill me.”

Rasmodius’ gaze softened, and with a sigh, he folded his hands into his robes and faced Achilles. “The shadow spirits are not evil, Achilles. ‘Spirits of evil…’ It is a misnomer, given to them after their exile from our plane. They are not harmless, no, far from it—but they naturally err towards chaos and darkness, and that intrinsically puts them at odds with our world.

“But no. They would not necessarily kill you for the sake of killing you. They only needed you out of the way. As I said earlier, Abigail never would have been able to get to the bottom with you.” 

But still… “They made me better. At first.” 

“No, they showed you that you could be better.

“Don’t you understand, Achilles? The spirits cannot create new thoughts, they can only work with what they already have. You had the capacity to be content all on your own, they only chose to exacerbate that.”

Achilles thought back to the Fall—how motivated he had felt to start his career anew. To return to his old life with renewed energy. 

“So advertising… moving back to Hyacinthia… it could make me happy?” 

“One single thing isn’t what would have made you happy, Achilles. Yes, you could have moved back to Hyacinthia, back to your old job, and have been happy. You could have also returned and had been miserable. 

“The spirits listen to your thoughts, to everything you had ever considered. That includes your hopes, Achilles. You were desperate, were you not? To find something. I suppose you likely considered multiple options, multiple routes that could have potentially brought you the purpose and happiness that you had desired. They just happen to choose one and bring it to the forefront. 

“But I must also wonder… what makes you believe it was the possibility of returning to your old life that was making you happy, Achilles? You have been so caught up with your career, did you ever think that perhaps it was something else that was making you content, in spite of these considerations?” 

Achilles paused. “I- I don’t know. It’s all… it’s all confusing. The wanting and the not wanting, I don’t… I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I ever did.”

What do you want? What should you want? What did you ever want? 

God, it was all he could think about, wasn’t it? The questions, but never the answers.

Someone answered it for you, though. 

“On Spirit’s Eve, in the maze…” His voice was tentative, but Rasmodius was quick to interrupt his hesitance in a tone much sharper than previously used. 

“I never should have allowed you into the maze. I had no idea you were there— a careless oversight on my part… You were too raw. Too fresh. Your scent still strong in the air from when you visited the Astral Plane two nights previous, you were but a sitting duck for the Shadow King.” 

“The Shadow King. They, ah… they said some things to me…” 

Worthless. Pathetic. 

Achilles swallowed. “I suppose, from what you said… they were just repeating back to me all… all my own thoughts.” 

“That is correct.” 

“So this really was all my own fault, then, wasn’t it? Strengthening the Shadow King. These thoughts I had… who I am… how I feel… it’s what I deserved.” 

Rasmodius gave him a pitying look that sent him sweeping with nausea. 

“Everyone has thoughts, Achilles. You must remember that to merely have them does not make them true.” 

*****

After a minute or two, Achilles slowly clambered out of the water and reached for a towel. Rasmodius had returned to the bench and was observing the rising steam until Achilles asked, “The alternate plan you mentioned with the spa? Would it have worked?” 

“Given time… perhaps. But we will never know. It does not matter. What’s done is done.” 

“What’s done is done…” He swung the towel over his shoulders and stared across the pool to the other side, where Rasmodius continued to sit. “Is it all done then? The Portal’s destroyed—is the danger gone?” 

“Hmm. Not quite, though the worst is over.

“The Portal may have been destroyed, but the keystone at the mines will need to be rebuilt, as will the weakened community center. The junimos will likely take care of that one on their own. But after the Elemental Wall is fixed, yes, then we can celebrate. 

“That is why I came here today. To ask, finally, if you would like to be my apprentice. You have proven yourself more than worthy. There will be no more secrets, no more lies. Together, we can fix the Walls, and secure a victory for our kind and our names in the books.” 

Our names in the books. 

But he found the thought, strangely, did nothing for him. Achilles only gathered his clothes, eyes weary. “Why me?” 

“Is this not what you wanted? I am offering it to you now. It would be a great honor.” 

Achilles sighed, and the words that left his mouth half-surprised even himself. 

“You should ask Abigail.”  

The Wizard took a step back. “Abigail?” 

“Why, what’s wrong with Abigail?” 

“Nothing. She… she reminds me of Mona.” 

“All the more reason to ask her.” 

“Why are you not interested?” 

Why are you not interested? 

“I… I don’t deserve it. Down in the mines. I just… opened some trap doors and dropped a rock into a box. That was it. It wasn’t particularly heroic. There was no… blaze of glory, it was anticlimactic and it only happened because Abigail was knocked out after saving our asses. I don’t think I deserve the honor.” 

“None of us our heroes, Achilles. You’re a writer, you should know this. In real life, things are never quite as… cinematic. Victories and failures alike are more than often unearned and undeserved. Life is oft but a series of coincidences and conveniences.” 

Achilles sighed. The Achilles of four seasons ago would’ve given anything for this. But now… 

“This isn’t for me. Besides, I think Abigail probably would want it more…” 

“And so what is it that you want?” 

Achilles laughed, pinching the bridge of his nose as he wiped the remaining water from his eyes. “I don’t know. I’ve been trying to answer that all year. To just be… satisfied? Content? I want to stop chasing. I just want to start a new life where I can be content with what I already have and who I already am instead of always focusing on what I should be.”  

Rasmodius nodded. There was still a sorrow in his eyes. A deep-set guilt and longing of years past that the day’s walk down memory lane must’ve brought back to the surface. Had he ever learned to make peace with his past? 

With a tip of his hat and wave of his arms, the spa’s steam began to turn lavender. It swirled around the Wizard’s feet as he began to transport himself no doubt back to his tower. 

“You will be content, Achilles. It won’t be today. It won’t be tomorrow. And it will hard. But remember that you have been before—on your own, before the Shadow King ever took refuge in your mind—and you can be so again.” 

*****

Achilles returned home at half past four, the sun already halfway to setting. He was in an odd mood, though could anyone blame him? 

Voltaire greeted him with a very dog-like wag of his fluffy tail before settling on his lap as he took a seat on the couch. 

“Do you ever get bored in here?” Achilles asked, absentmindedly patting the cat on the head. The living room, though still clean from yesterday’s thorough sweep, was now littered with a scattering of Voltaire’s toys. “I’m scared a hawk will eat you if you go outside.” 

“Meow!” 

“You never got a ceremony for yourself, after all you did down in the mines.” Achilles frowned, toying with the corner of one of the mismatched throw pillows. Perhaps he should hire an interior designer… though what was the point, if he was only going to move back…

“That’s my fault. I should have brought you to town. You can have my medal, though, if you’d like. I don’t particularly want it. Maybe we can turn the ribbon into a new collar, how does that sound? I’m afraid Lewis has touched it, though…” 

“Meow.” 

Achilles sighed. 

He put his feet up on the coffee table, hands behind his head as he stared without seeing at the black mirror of his television.

The clock above the fireplace chirped five times before he finally shook himself from his reverie. 

He shifted his feet, and the pages Alex had stacked just yesterday scattered to the floor once again. With another sigh, he bent down to retrieve them, this time opting to place them back on the table rather than hurling them into the fire. Except for one. 

One page he held onto as he curled up into the couch, a pen in hand. He flipped the paper over, now faced with the blank side. 

He had been getting better. Rasmodius was right. Before the pneumonia, before the Shadow King. He’d been feeling better all on his own. Or, perhaps, not exactly on his own… 

He dug a pen out from the coffee table and began to write. 

What Do You Want?

On second thought. 

Achilles crossed the question out.

What Makes You Feel Good?

That felt a little cringy… too cheesy, maybe too on the nose…

What Makes You Feel Good? Better?

[thotsforvillainrights]

Your writing has made my day so much lately. ❤️

Can I request some redestro or geten smut? Like they’re on vacay /honeymoon and get snowed in or something? (I Currently have 2ft of snow outside and more is coming today.) 😂

(I saw ReDestro in there and jumped at it lol)

~Tenderness~

-Rikiya Yotsubashi smut-

Tenderness- feelings of deep affection; devotion

You frowned from your position by the cold glass of the window as the view of constant snow fluttering from the thickly clouded sky held your attention much longer than the TV at the moment. Rikiya took a long low sip of his drink and watched you from the bed, his legs crossed over each other and his back reclined against the plush headboard of the bed. Finally he placed the glass carefully on the bedside table closest to him and turned to lay on his side as he continued to watch you. After a little while longer he decided to say something. “My apologies dearest. I’m aware we have not gotten to do much sight seeing since we’ve arrived here. I suppose I should’ve checked the weather long before our departure from home. It seems as though the snow won’t stop until later tomorrow.” He pressed his finger to the side of his lip and began to think on the situation. You sighed and turned away from the window before going to join him on the bed. “It’s okay. I know you didn’t intend for this to happen and it’s not like you have a weather based quirk or anything like that, so you definitely can’t fix all the snow. I guess we’ll have to wait it out. Besides, I went to go check the car while you were in the bathroom about 30 minutes ago and it turns out we’re snowed in.” You explained to him, adjusting your position to comfort as you lay on your side and face him. “I see. Although it’s unfortunate for us as far as the vacation goes, we shall still be alright. This cabin is fully stocked with any essentials we may need and we have full contact with the outside world via Skeptic’s satellites should anything go awry. It’s only a matter of passing the time until we can get out of the cabin and find something more entertaining to do.”

“Are you not entertained with me right now then?” You teased him. Rikiya chuckled lightly and reached over to gently stroke the bottom of your lip with his thumb. “Oh I wouldn’t say that. I’m just mentioning it considering I promised you’d see some nice views on this vacation and instead you’re stuck in here. I’m sorry my dear.” He apologized once more. You exhaled a short puff of air from your nose, a laugh. “I’m looking at a pretty nice view right now I think.” His face went from short confusion to realization just before he bellowed a laugh. “Ah I see! You’re flirting with me are you not? Very well. Then I suppose I’ll return the favor with a compliment of my own. I’ll start by telling you how happy I am to be out of the house and with you here. Although the first day or so of this vacation has been pushed off, I can’t say I’m exactly disappointed considering I’m still here spending time with the person I love so dearly.” He once again stroked your lip with his thumb, this time running it down your chin and along the side of your throat. There it was. That certain look in his eye. Most people would’ve lost out on catching it but you’ve been with him long enough to pick up on all his subtle and not-so-subtle cues. Like the way blush began working it’s way to the tip of his ears and dusting his cheeks lightly as well.

“Are you cold or just excited to be with me right now?” You reached to pinch the tip of his right ear and he chuckled. “Take a guess.” He spoke before abruptly sitting up on his knees and situating himself to sit between your legs. The look in his eye wasn’t so subtle anymore. Right about now it was clear to the both of you where the moment was going to progress and without any further word you both began to shed clothes. He tried to keep eyes on you as he took off his silk pajama top and bottoms. He proceeded to watch you in the process as took your clothes off as well. He’d stopped you at your underwear, a mission he preferred to take upon himself as he pushed you gently back to the mattress. He kept his eyes on you, pressing urgent but soft kisses along your stomach, following the imaginary path from your belly button to the rim of your underwear. He bit into the fabric, lifting you lightly upward as he used his teeth to remove them. Once he tossed them to the side, discarded with the other fabric, he wasted no time in moving your legs over his shoulders and staring you down for just a little longer. “Apologies again. I forgot to ask if you wanted to engage in such filth with me.” Of course he wasn’t serious in the moment. He was just adding his layer of playfulness to the mood. He had a proclivity to keep the mood light and buttery in the moment. 

“If you apologize again, I’m going to get you.” He smiled widely and nodded. “Oh dear, can’t have that can we?” You were going to laugh but it faded into a moan when he started working with his mouth (or more specifically his tongue). Once he started he didn’t stop until you finish for him. No amount of squirming and writhing would deter him from his actions. In fact, whenever you started to wiggle around too much he grabs at your hips and uses force to keep you stationary. He pushes the worry to the back of his mind that he might be gripping too tightly at your perfect hips. He’d apologize later but for now he felt it necessary to see it through to the end. Although he ached for you, desperate to get inside, he kept focus on you, working his tongue/mouth in motion and continuing until he heard that beautiful sound of your moan long drawn out as an indication you’d came for him. He adored the look on your face, always letting you catch your breath before wiping the sweat from your forehead and kissing it. He watched and waited a little longer before getting your signal that you were ready to continue. By God he wanted it so bad but still somehow managed to kept calm steady motions over your body as opposed to choppy eager ones. He helped navigate until you were on your hands and knees for him. He still wouldn’t give into his urges just yet. Instead he took even more time to shower you in kisses and affection, even taking a quick second to give you something of a back massage. His motions were almost sacrifice, torture as he put you first and foremost and ignored the now intense ache in his cock. It was almost painful to be turned on so much, really.

You noticed and luckily decided to speed things up for his sake. “Rikiya, can I have it. Please?~” Your low tone combined with his name leaving your lips and the look in your eyes was enough to nearly drive him over the edge alone. 

“Say no more. I’ll give you exactly what you want.” He craned your head over to kiss you passionately before lining himself up perfectly at your entrance. Even with the anticipation he still took a little more time to ease his way inside, slow and agonizing but very careful to not stretch you too much too quickly. He let a quiet shaky breath out and your ears tuned into it rathe quickly. Once he was sure you were ready, he continued by first keeping a steady but slow pace. He focused intently on the sounds you made in the moment coupled with the way you clenched around him. “If you...keep this up then I don’t think I’ll be able...able to last, my love~” He admits full honesty, gasping when he felt you clench around him again. He groans before rasping a few more words out.

“I adore you, Y/N. I can’t bear this life without you by my side. I couldn’t bear it...” He repeats, increasing the speed of his thrusts. “I love you so very much. You’re everything to me. I want you to never doubt that. I love you. God I just...~” It wasn’t the heat of the moment that prompted him to pour his soul out to you. No...

This was always something he would never neglect to do. He’d remind you of his feelings always, even during sex.

But for now he simply cannot gather himself to say anything more to you. His words were far gone and replaced by desperate moans coupled with deep grunts and a touch of whining. “My love I...!” Nothing more to be said as he came for you, uttering a deep shaky gasp. 

And although you were stuck in that cabin with him instead of getting your fill of day one of your lovely little vacation, you didn’t feel as though any time had been lost for way of fun. You’d stay here as long as the snow boxed you in and create your own entertainment with each other for as long as you needed to, and perhaps for a little more than that as well~

[99lostsouls]

To my pen pal:

Hello again! I guess both of us need to start writing more then. But yes, I guess it is pretty exciting. Seeing everyone getting their letters definitely helps contribute to that.

And yeah, people were getting a bit too comfortable in their own dormitories. Which isn’t a bad thing! I’d be pretty annoyed being downgraded as well (and I was, but not anymore!), but for someone to have to deal with all this on their own? For what little time they’ve had, they’ve made progress. And I’m sure having someone like you helping them out is bound to make them feel better too. Although I am curious… why do you not attend classes? If that’s a question that can be answered. It might be a silly one, but I’ve always been quite curious about stuff.

As long as you have something to want for, it is never too hard to gift someone. Getting something is better than getting nothing at all, right? But drawing is a nice thing to pursue! I’ll keep this in mind. But for myself… I’m not really a good artist. My doodles in my workbooks will prove that much. I like music, but not actually playing the instruments myself. I probably have the skills for it, but I don’t know what instrument to play…

This place looks like it would suit a piano. Maybe I could sneak one in and play some tunes for practice. This place could use some. Or maybe we could convince everyone to just sit and listen to some music? If they don’t yell and claw at each other first. Tensions feel high with certain people here…~

Another question for you before I stop writing. Probably should’ve asked it earlier but I kinda forgot. What kind of stuff do, or would, you like to draw? There’s a lot of stuff here you could take inspiration from if you don’t quite know yet… if you’re interested in the older style, that is.

I think that’s everything now! And hey, we’re writing to each other. I pretty much consider you my friend now. :) Can’t wait for your reply! Write to you soon!

From your pen pal (friend?)

TO MY PEN PAL ( Friend! )

my apologies for the late reply! had to take care of an accident up at campus...

oh but I'm glad to hear you've gotten properly accustomed to the change! some people have a harder time with shifts from their normal. I know of that reaction all too well. do you have any favorite thing about ramshackle so far?

as for why I don't attend classes, the answer is simple silly. I don't have any classes to attend! you may wrack your brain as to why all you wish.

oh I'm sure you're a lovely artist my friend! art is somewhat of a difficult pursuit because of one fact alone. we're always our own biggest critic. It's a human flaw I've seen displayed in so many people over and over again. I find it fascinating. though, I'm not even sure if I'll fall pray to that myself. self-criticism is kinda built into me.

y'know I've always admired instruments myself! especially brass instruments like a trombone, french horn, tuba. they're so shiny you can see you reflection in them and their sound is big and LOUD! never fails to make me smile! I hope you're able to find your instrument of choice. life is easily told through music, once you find your instrument you'll be able to tell your own story.

Playing music here...you might want to ease everyone into that~ our student body is unfortunately well known for it's viciousness. I'd hate for someone to complain and get upset just by some piano. It's always better to test the waters first!

With drawing...is it odd to say i want to try a bit of everything? realism, cartoon, still-life, I want to dabble in it all. Your mention of an old style does remind me, a cartoon rubberhose style is one I'd like to try as well.

I know you said you aren't confident in your doodles just yet but maybe we can draw together, or just hang out. I'm just thrilled to have another new friend to talk to. I do love my dorm, but things are a little samey~ new possibilities are right up my alley.

I'll sign off for now, it's late while I'm writing this anyway. see you in the next letter my friend!

Sincerely,

YOUR PEN PAL

[tharizdun-03]

Mawaru Penguindrum Review

Moving some of my Twitter threads over to Tumblr as well. This is one of them.

I recently finished Penguindrum, and while it definitely has its interesting ideas with plenty of potential, I sadly ended up thinking it was a disappointing mess. I want to try and sort out my thoughts on why that is in this post.

If you haven’t watched all of Penguindrum, beware that I will spoil the fuck out of it here.

Introduction

Let’s talk about the production side of things first. It’s a gorgeous-looking show, with a distinctly imaginative style, and charming character designs. As inventive as Ikuhara’s directing is, it’s never too busy.

His use of repetition (survival strategy, scene transitions, the crowd being cardboard cutouts, etc.) is great and really lends to the series carving its own identity. Yukari Hashimoto’s score is also fantastic, as expected. Absolutely no complaints there. Then we move on the characters.

Characters

Himari

For most of its run, Himari was mostly a plot device, I felt. Nothing really deeper to dig into, but by the climax, we actually got some genuine character stuff from Himari, showing how lost and isolated she is. It’s not amazing stuff, and definitely should’ve come sooner, but I appreciate the series finally giving me a reason to get invested in her. Something that did annoy me when it came to the presentation with Himari in the meta-space, is that she’s always in some state of undress, and as time went on, just got progressively more naked.

Even when other characters are with her in the meta-space, and they’re fully clothed, she’s still naked.

Maybe you can try and twist this into it being symbolic, cause Himari is exposing herself or something. I dunno, I can’t quite justify it, and even if I could, is it worth it? Is it worth undercutting the emotional power of a scene because Himari’s flashing her ass crack at me? I think it’s easier to just say it’s a fetish, and I’d rather it wasn’t there at all. A lot of the final episode consisted of me shouting at Himari stop undressing.

Talking about Himari, we might as well address her role in the final, where it turns out her favorite phrase, ”Let’s share the fruit of fate”, is the spell to activating the diary.

How does Ringo know this? Has she heard Himari say it? When have we ever heard Himari say this phrase? It’s certainly possible she’s said it once or twice in the show, I can’t possibly remember everything, but the show hasn’t really emphasized it, so it comes out of nowhere. But, also, it's Momoka's diary? Why would her spell be Himari's favourite phrase? I was told of a fan-theory, that Kanba, Shoma, Ringo, and Masako are reincarnations of Momoka, but none of this is explained in the show. In fact, the show instead states that the essence of Momoka lives within the two penguin hats Mario and Himari wear. So, it comes down to fan speculation to explain this, cause in the show it feels very random, which is indicative, that it’s just messy and didn’t work.

Shouma

Shouma was the character, who from the very start, felt like the most well-rounded one. But, his indecisiveness and general incompetence made it difficult to get really invested in him, cause he just ended up annoying me lol.

And when his issues with his parents were brought up, I was just kinda turned off altogether. I'm not against the idea of internalizing your parents' sins, but them being punished for their sins, it just didn’t make sense to me.

However, I do appreciate the series, once again, in the climax, giving him a more central role at the heart of the story, being Himari’s ”soulmate.” I don't think it added much, but it's something for him, which was needed.

Kanba

Kanba was, I’d say, probably, for the most part, the most engaging character for me, being more active since the very beginning (Shouma hadn’t gotten much to do for a large part of the early half of the story, and Himari hadn’t done shit, so didn’t have many to choose from).

But even with that, I always kinda got the impression that he was a bit of ass who kind of acted as if Himari was an object that belonged to him, which just devolved into pure, plain obsession, by the end. You know, how he kinda became the KIGA leader and orchestrated all those bombings and almost murdered Ringo? 

On top of that, Himari and Masako still sacrificed themselves for him (fake-deaths ofc, a running theme in this mess), and I just didn’t really feel like he was worth all these women sacrificing themselves for his sake after everything he's done, and it pissed me off. He was beyond redemption at this point for me, and yet by the end, both he and Shouma ended up sharing the same fate as if they’re equivalent (even though one of them lived their life selfishly and killed people and the other one, you know, didn’t), which was sealed when they shared that apple way back? Why have this fate forced upon them? It doesn’t vibe with me that the two of them should have to accept this punishment for something their parents did, something that happened when they were just kids. And it certainly didn’t help that while Kanba sacrificed himself to save Himari, Shouma sacrificed himself to save Ringo (but returned Kanba his part of the apple at least), and Shouma tells Ringo he loves her (but nothing to Himari which is a fucking crime).

I just felt that everyone needed to stop trying to hold onto Himari’s life and let her move on already. You have to accept that death is a natural part of life instead of trying to bend fate to your own selfishness.

What happened to the two brothers at the very end is up to your own interpretation. Whether they reincarnated again, or if they’re now some sort of trans-dimensional beings that have escaped the cycle. I got the impression of the latter personally.

Ringo

Ringo by far the most interesting and inventive character in the story, but represents a big issue with the character writing, that connects back to everyone else in the cast. Ringo has a big stretch in the first half of the series mostly focused on her, and it’s awful. Not even digging into the core ideas behind it, just the actual basic execution, it’s the same fucking recycled gags over and over again with her (the obsessiveness over an older man she has no right to, the theatrical presentation of the same fucked up fantasy scenarios she imagines, the abuse of Shouma, the world rightfully pushing back at her but her just doing even more depraved things in response over and over again). It just goes around in circles. It was a very difficult stretch of the show to get through, because as at that point, none of the other characters had really gotten too much interesting substance, so it meant that she was practically at the center of the narrative for a while, which meant that I was stuck with a delusional, manipulative stalker who’s also an attempted rapist.

Oh yes, cause let’s bring that up while we’re at it. Penguindrum does not do a good job of using rape as a narrative device. I mean, rape is always a dangerous topic to add to your story, as with the amount of real-life baggage it carries, it can just overshadow anything you wanted to say. And while, yes. Penguindrum does make it clear to me why it's choosing this, it's twice in the story that a main character has turned to rape as a solution, and it just makes it difficult for me to care for people that are capable of such evil. I haven’t forgiven Ringo for what she tried to do to Tabuki, for example. So, you can imagine how it was difficult for me to care when we were supposed to root for her in the second half of the story. A large part as to why I couldn’t bring myself to care for her afterward was because the execution just so badly mishandled the actual reality of rape, almost as if the series doesn't understand how grave of an action it actually is. Ringo never really got to grapple with what an irredeemable thing she was about to commit, and she also showed no signs of trauma from having been kidnapped, drugged, and raped herself (if it didn’t quite get that point, goddamn was it just a hair away from it). Also, Sho trying to stop them and stumbling around in a contrived and comedic fashion (which didn’t amount to anything) was just not appropriate during an attempted rape scene. Oh, speaking of Shouma, who by the way, doesn't even condemn Ringo for what she was about to do to Tabuki, but even defends her to Kanba, after the traffic accident.

Now, this digs into another major issue I have with the series (that I’ll revisit later), and that is its metaphorical nature, to the point that I can’t tell when the metaphors end and the real stuff begin. It affects every detail, from random odd moments, to big character arcs. Are these arcs meant to be so broad and divorced from basic logic because they’re not supposed to be literal, or are these characters just bad characters? Are the absurd actions some of them commit, like the two characters who attempt sexual assault, meant to be symbolic representations of literal actions, or am I being asked to sympathize with actual fucking rapists?

So yeah, the show not really forcing her to confront what she’s done made it difficult for me to buy into her redemption. What happens when she has Tabuki strapped and nude at the bed for her to do whatever she wishes (because apparently, the frog magic worked? It’s never addressed again)? Only then, after sexual assault, does she realize that this isn’t what she wants. 

And a bit later, Yuri makes Ringo realize that she was actually in love with Shouma? Oh, you mean the guy that she’s basically done nothing to but be abusive and doesn’t actually have any chemistry with whatsoever? Come on. Am I supposed to feel sad for her when she’s rejected by Shouma in EP 14 (ofc he tells her he loves her in the finale)?

It also doesn’t help that I was very annoyed that Kanba, and mostly Shouma, even followed along Ringo’s whims from the start. If my sister’s life depended on borrowing a book from some random person, I’d do it by force, and not follow along this crazy person’s conditions cause then ”maybe” she’ll let me borrow it for a bit.

Yuri

We talked about Yuri recently, let’s dig into her a bit more in-depth. Yes, she (attempts?) to rape Ringo, in a twisted attempt of basically lesbianizing Ringo so she’ll be more like her sister. It’s creative, I’ll give you that, Ikuhara. 

At first, I got the vibe from Yuri that maybe she was a hermaphrodite. You know, with the whole nobody’s seen the real here, and her Dad wanting to resculpt her into something beautiful? But, on further reflection, I think he just didn’t consider her beautiful because she wasn’t fully under his control and damaging her was a way of making her permanently his. 

But yeah, so here’s the thing, foreshadowing is an issue in this show. I’d be hard pressed to think you could figure out what would happen in the second cour from the first cour alone, they’re almost like two different shows, and this extends to Yuri. Given that there’s basically been no attention to Yuri’s attraction to Ringo in this way, and then it’s resolved pretty quickly and not focused on again either lol.

Tabuki

Tabuki's twist to evil, comic-book villain is also jarring. Like, I get it? He ties his self-worth to the first person who showed him it. And he finds kinship with Yuri, both were scarred by their parents who exerted far too much pressure on them, and both came to see themselves as disposable, but for both, Momoka showed them the value they couldn't, so they latched onto that, and when it was ripped away from them, they became bitter, self-loathing people who created this fake relationship around their shared connection to Momoka, and just want somebody to lash out at, they want scapegoats. 

But the execution doesn't help sell that as a compelling conflict to get emotionally invested in when it is so different from what Tabuki has acted like before, and he acts like such a basic, stereotypical superhero villain during his crazy episode. And then it’s just kinda resolved.

Masako

Masako, I was confused by. Cause her not being Kanba’s ex-girlfriend but actually, his sister felt like it came out of nowhere, you know, since all this happened.

Other than that, she was fine. Her backstory was very weird tho. Funny, but the metaphorical aspect of the show makes it difficult for me to know what I’m supposed to take literally cause are you telling me her grandfather comes back from the dead and possessed her little bother?

Also, kinda shoehorned conclusion for her, cause when did Kanba say that lol?

Sanetoshi

Sanetoshi, I was actually a bit disappointed by. I guess he more so functioned as a thematic tool, but we didn’t really get a motive as to why Sanetoshi loathes this world so much? Those boxes represented being forced by the rigidity of the world to conform to an inauthentic self, and I guess was that it? Just feel like if that was it, that theme should’ve been more prominent throughout the entire story. Also, he’s dead, so how does that work?

Momoka

Momoka also confused me. Cause, her in the penguin hat acts NOTHING like when she was a human, so what’s that about?

The Penguins

I really like the penguins. I find them genuinely funny in an effective manner I didn't expect. I’m not quite sure what the point of them are beyond that, or what they are really lol, but I’m kinda cool with not digging into that. I really like them.

The Metaphorical Storytelling

Yeah, so the metaphorical nature of the story troubles things in many ways, and there are just some examples of random moments that are confusing because of it. What was up with the frog curse working on Tabuki? How did Tabuki reach Himari all the way down there to save her?

What’s up with the child boiler? I assumed it was metaphorical, but Himari remembered by seeing the windmills, so is that the literal place or a metaphysical world with those literal features? What happened to the plot line of Mario’s penguin hat?

Ringo’s whole deal of being crazily obsessed in the first half, besides it showing how she wants to become Momoka, what does that plot line contribute to the larger picture? 

So, Kanba imagined all the convos with his parents at that restaurant, fine.But, he still got the money there? Are you telling me the organization just left their corpses there rotting for 16 years? Nobody noticed? Why have your transactions there? 

This character just popped up out of nowhere, stabbed Tabuki, left, and then was never addressed again lol.

Lots of fake deaths. Himari has had at least four, Shouma and Ringo at least two each, Tabuki, Kanba, Masako at least twice. We had several in just one episode sometimes. Even Momoka and Sanetoshi are technically dead but not really lol.

Conclusion

Overall, Penguindrum was a fascinating mess that just didn’t come together. Does it have some merit? Yes, of course, it does. It’s stylish and intellectually dense. Its main message, that you should reach out to an unwanted person and make them feel needed, give them love, is a great one.

Contrary to Sanetoshi’s ideology of the boxes restricting people into selfish cages, the power to reach outside that box and truly reach out to another person, that’s can change someone’s entire life, it can save someone. Love is the essence of this world, and it needs to be shared with others. I think that’s a lovely message! 

But, yes, as the show isn’t very cohesive, takes way too long to get to this point with its overcomplicated and haphazard presentation, mysteries that just kept being piled upon the other without giving me much back for trying to solve it until the very end, subplots that are kind of just dropped, themes about fate that didn’t vibe with me, and unlikeable characters with messy arcs, it didn’t really work for me.

But, at least it’s always more interesting to see people with genuine talent fail (which Ikuhara definitely has even if he didn’t use it to effect here imo) than some other mediocre isekai writer that didn’t even have something interesting in the first place? 

Ikuhara’s voice is still a unique one, and as this was my first work of his, I’m still hopeful that as I explore more of his works in the future, I end up finding one that speaks to me.

Score:

Original Twitter Thread: https://twitter.com/Tharizdun03/status/1558128850357198849?s=20&t=EFhraK5-tU99lC2bk2FoNA