#definitely things i’ve been trying to tell myself & things that apply to all of you.

[hannahssimblr]

Shane arrives in the late afternoon, and suddenly we are five. In the aftermath of the storm, when the tarmac is black and the air is fragrant with petrichor we hike to the touristy side of the beach to have drinks at the Surf Shack. We wipe rain off the picnic benches and sit overlooking the sea. It’s choppy, the sand pockmarked with puddles, but the humid heaviness the last few days spent building has been lifted away, leaving crisp, fresh air in its place. At least for now.

Jen starts demanding everyone’s highlight reel of the past year after only two minutes of small talk, and we talk about how Joe broke his wrist playing frisbee, Jen applied to eleven business schools because she didn’t know what else to put on the forms, and Shane lost his virginity to some girl called Aishling in January, though getting that tidbit is like dragging information from a stone. To distract from our nudges and kissy noises Shane asks me about Michelle, which doesn't help, because then I have to tell them all that we broke up.

It instantly zaps the fun out of things and makes the boys awkward. They grumble vague condolences and start looking around the place like they can pull a less depressing topic of conversation out of the air. I remind myself not to mention her again. 

But they don’t have to sit in this particular discomfort for long, because our drinks arrive, carried by Liam, who invites a brand new one by lingering around the table and trying to make conversation. I grit my teeth and remember to be nice.

“Ah look who’s here!” He beams, “the gang are back together!”

“Hi Liam!” Jen’s tone is straining with enthusiasm, “good to see you again, you done your leaving cert?”

“I am indeed! Finished up there last week, t’was some slog, I’ll tell you that. I was just dying to get back out here to the beach and do a bit of surfing. The first group of kids doing the classes are to be down now on the first week of July, and sure then it’s go go go! But look, sure it’s great craic altogether, can’t complain.”

He’s met with blank stares. 

“Oh yeah! Sounds fun.” Jen says after a beat, “Well, it’s nice to see-”

“Having any parties or anything like that this summer?” he asks. 

“Um, well we’re not sure, but if we do we’ll invite you.” I give her a subtle kick beneath the table, which is a mistake, because she turns her huge, beaming smile on me. Her eyes glint threateningly, “You should ask Jude though, we’re staying at his house, so he gets to decide.”

“Yeah,” I say, “Um, we’ll invite you to whatever we’re doing, we just don’t know yet.” Fine. I want to say to Jen. I’ll invite him, but you can take care of him in the toilet when he’s hammered and sick after one beer. 

“That’d be so cool, thanks!” he says, “and I’ve something you can do too, as it happens. My dad is having the first karaoke night of the year down at the local pub next week, you know, just to kind of usher in the beginning of the busy season. You should definitely come along.”

“Karaoke?” Joe echoes, “you want us to sing songs?”

“Well who doesn’t like a good auld sing-song? It’ll be a bit of fun.”

“Probably not,” Joe then turns to Kasper to try and explain to him what is happening in simple English. “Nah, Karaoke, like, singing, and shit” he mutters, “like,” he holds an invisible microphone to his mouth, “la la la, bla bla bla, like, that, like.”

Look, maybe,” I tell Liam, “I don’t think we’re exactly singers here, but we might come to the pub anyway for a few drinks.”

“You might be compelled to belt out a tune or two while you’re there.”

“Stranger things have happened.”

“Alright!” he starts walking back to the Surf Shack, turning one more time to point into our faces, “Think of ye’re songs between now and then, will ya? Just in case you change your mind at some stage!” 

Jen looks at me expectantly once he’s gone, and I immediately groan, slumping in my seat under the weight of her expectation. “Fine, I’ll invite him to whatever party, Jen, but I’m not fucking doing karaoke.” 

Beginning // Prev // Next

[missmastectomy]

hello, pretty freshly detrans here. i finally understand what all those ‘annoying cis people’ meant when they said gender isn’t a feeling. like, actually, i fully comprehend it now. if you unpack all those supposed ‘gender feels’ it all wraps back to stereotypes and gender roles, whether you identify as a soft boy or a big rugged stereotypical man like i did. because that’s all gender is. and holy shit, i feel duped!

you’re telling me i could’ve spent all this time being a hot hairy butch who defied the social expectations placed on women but i was so entrenched in the idea that i was somehow a man, which is DEFINITELY a real innate category of being and not a made up social class assigned to a given sex to give them more power (sarcasm) that i lost half my family to it? that i argued with people i know and love over it? that i experienced trauma in the church because of it? only to realize that gender itself isn’t even real, something i knew the whole time but hypocritically refused to apply to myself. i’ve been scammed. i dressed up my personality in a blue box and told myself it was a boy. fuck.

at least there’s freedom in sight now. sorry to rant in your inbox, i hope it’s relatable if nothing else.

I completely understand. I also used to feel annoyed when “cis” people said they don’t know what feeling gender is like. The thing is, though, trans people’s gender feelings are actually very easy to understand once you get to the bottom of what dysphoria is. Often trans people will describe their gender identity as stemming from dysphoria, a disconnect between the mind and body. The discomfort and desire to be the other sex is so strong that people transition and the vast majority of trans people describe that as the state of “being a woman/man,” instead of “hey, I’m a bio female/woman transitioning in order to cope with dysphoria.”

I talked about it before, but if you understand why women get harmful cosmetic surgeries because they cannot stand living in their bodies, or why anorexics will hurt themselves in pursuit of a perfect body, you already understand half of trans identity. People often try to reinvent themselves when they’ve been rejected or traumatized. People often try to mold themselves into someone else, someone you were “always meant to be,” but ultimately never will, because the image you’ve created in your mind is completely fictitious.

Most trans people operate like this. Ime there are vanishingly few trans people who recognize that their sex doesn’t change and that they are ultimately still men or women. Most consider gender to be innate, therefore they were always actually men or women. Few acknowledge that it is basically a lifestyle choice. Honestly, a poor one at that, considering the adverse effects it has on your body and social life.

Some transmeds cite sex dysphoria as the reason for transition, but where does it come from? They often argue that transsexuals have brains that map out the body of the opposite sex and that causes the dysphoria, but there’s poor evidence for this. Ask a trans person how they knew they were trans and they will say 1) they always felt uncomfortable in their body/didn’t connect with others of their sex or 2) I’m a boy/girl but engaged in stereotypical activities of the opposite sex. It’s really just a bunch of made up nonsense to explain the suffering a lot of gnc, gay, whatever people experience.

A lot of trans people don’t realize that everyone else also has “gender feelings,” but they just don’t describe it with the language trans people do. Because of this disconnect, trans people often take this as evidence that their gender identities are real and infallible. But if you talk to, say, a woman who was very masculine as a child and didn’t fit in with girls, you will literally hear the same feelings of discomfort that most transmen describe. The difference is that these women grew out of it or learned to cope and accept themselves. Most transmen do not.

The conditions for trans identity to form are a combination of wrong place wrong time. I have a hard time not feeling sympathetic for the old fashioned transsexual types who recognize bio sex because I understand how debilitating dysphoria can be, but the religious mumbo jumbo speak of the modern trans movement is insufferable and harming thousands, if not millions, of people. It’s time to come back down to reality.

[spidrboots]

you are valued. you are an important part of the rpc. you bring a unique & special perspective to the character(s) you play. people are ur mutuals for a reason. i like seeing you on my dash <3

[bonefall]

Don’t know if this is the right place to ask, but could you talk more about zoos? I’ve seen many people say that zoos are inherently exploitative and that we should instead focus on advocating for wildlife preserves, etc., but I’m not sure what to think of that. You seem to know a lot about wildlife protection, so what’s your opinion on this?

There are folks faaaar better than myself to talk about the issues of zoos specifically and I'll try to toss in some sources so you can go and learn more, but let me try and explain my mindset here.

Summary of my opinion on this: BOTH of these things can be poorly managed, and I broadly support both. They should exist in tandem. I am pro-accredited zoo and am extremely sensitive towards misinformation. I also do think the best place for animals to be is in their natural environment, but nature "preserves" aren't inherently perfect. They can also be prone to the capitalist (and colonialist) pressures that less informed people believe they're somehow immune to.

Because of the goal of my project being to make the setting of WC accurate to Northwestern England, my research is based on UK laws, ecology, and conservation programs.

On Zoos

On Nature Reserves

An Aside on Fortress Conservation

On Zoos

The legal definition of a Zoo in the UK (because that is what BB's ecological education is based around), as defined by the Zoo Licensing Act of 1981 (ZLA), is a "place where wild animals are kept for exhibition to the public," excluding circuses and pet shops (which are covered by different laws.)

This applies equally to private, for-profit zoos, as well as zoos run by wildlife charities and conservation organizations. Profit does not define a zoo. If there's a place trying to tell you it's not a zoo but a "sanctuary" or a "wildlife park," but you can still go visit and see captive wild animals, even if it's totally free, it's a marketing trick. Legally that is still a zoo in the UK.

(for fellow Americans; OUR definition is broader, more patchwork because we are 50 little countries in a trenchcoat, and can include collections of animals not displayed to the public.)

That said, there's a HUGE difference between Chester Zoo, run by the North of England Zoological Society, which personally holds the studbooks for maintaining the genetic diversity of 10 endangered species, has 134 captive breeding projects, cultivates 265 threatened plant species, and sends its members as consultants to United Nations conferences on climate change, and Sam Tiddles' Personal Zebra Pit.

Sam Tiddles' Personal Zebra Pit ONLY has to worry about the UK government. There's another standard zoos can hold themselves to if they want to get serious about conservation like Chester Zoo; Accreditation. There are two major zoo organizations in the UK, BIAZA and EAZA.

(Americans may wonder about AZA; that's ours. AZA, EAZA, and BIAZA are all members of the World Association of Aquariums and Zoos, or WAZA, but they are all individual organizations.)

A zoo going for EAZA's "accreditation" has to undergo an entire year of evaluation to make sure they fit the strict standards, and renewal is ongoing. You don't just earn it once. You have to keep your animal welfare up-to-date and in compliance or you will lose it.

The benefit of joining with an accredited org is that it puts the zoo into a huge network of other organizations. They work together for various conservation efforts.

There are DOZENS of species that were prevented from going extinct, and are being reintroduced back to their habitats, because of the work done by zoos. The scimitar-horned oryx, takhi, California condor, the Galapagos tortoise, etc. Some of these WERE extinct in the wild and wouldn't BE here if it hadn't been for zoos!

The San Diego zoo is preventing the last remaining hawaiian crows from embracing oblivion right now, a species for which SO LITTLE of its wild behavior is known they had to write the book on caring for them, and Chester zoo worked in tandem with the Uganda Wildlife Authority to provide tech and funding towards breakthroughs in surveying wild pangolins.

Don't get me wrong;

MOST zoos are not accredited,

nor is accreditation is REQUIRED to make a good zoo,

nor does it automatically PROVE nothing bad has happened in the zoo,

There are a lot more Sam Tiddles' Personal Zebra Pits than there are Chester Zoos.

That's worth talking about! We SHOULD be having conversations on things like,

Is it appropriate to keep and breed difficult, social megafauna, like elephants or cetaceans? What does the data say? Are there any circumstances where that would be okay, IF the data does confirm we can never provide enough space or stimulation to perfectly meet those species' needs?

How can we improve animal welfare for private zoos? Should we tighten up regulations on who can start or run one (yes)? Are there enough inspectors (no)?

Do those smaller zoos meaningfully contribute to better conservation? How do we know if they are properly educating their visitors? Can we prove this one way or the other?

Who watches the watchmen? Accreditation societies hold themselves accountable. Do these organizations truly have enough transparency?

(I don't agree with Born Free's ultimate conclusion that we should "phase out" zoos, but you should always understand the opposing arguments)

But bottom line of my opinion is; Good zoos are deeply important, and they have a tangible benefit to wildlife conservation. Anyone who tries to tell you that "zoos are inherently unethical" either knows very little about zoos or real conservation work, or... is hiding some deeper, more batshit take, like "having wild animals in any kind of captivity is unlawful imprisonment."

(you'll also get a lot more work done in regulating the exotic animal trade in the UK if you go after private owners, btw. zoos have nothing to do with how lax those laws are.)

Anyway I'm a funny cat blog about battle kitties, and the stuff I do for BB is to educate about the ecosystem of Northern England. If you want to know more about zoos, debunking misconceptions, and critiques from someone with more personal experience, go talk to @why-animals-do-the-thing!

Keep in mind though, again, they talk about American zoos, where this post was written with the UK in mind.

(and even then, England specifically. ALL UK members and also the Isle of Man have differences in their laws.)

(If anyone has other zoo education tumblr blogs in mind, especially if they are European, lmk and I'll edit this post)

On Nature Reserves

Remember how broad the legal definition of a zoo actually was? Same thing over here. A "nature reserve" in the UK is a broad, unofficial generic term for several things. It doesn't inherently involve statutory protection, either, meaning there's some situations where there's no laws to hold anyone accountable for damage

These are the "nature reserve" types relevant to my project; (NOTE: Ramsar sites, SACs, and SPAs are EU-related and honestly, I do not know how Brexit has effected them, if at all, so I won't be explaining something I don't understand.)

Local Wildlife Site (LWS) Selected via scientific survey and managed locally, connecting wildlife habitats together and keeping nature close to home. VERY important... and yet, incredibly prone to destruction because there aren't good reporting processes in place. Whenever a report comes out every few years, the Wildlife Trust says it often only gets data for 15% of all their registered sites, and 12% get destroyed in that timeframe.

Local Nature Reserve (LNR) A site that can be declared by a district or county council, if proven to have geographic, educational, biodiversity, or recreational value. The local authority manages this, BUT, the landowner can remain in control of the property and "lease" it out (and boy oh boy, landowners do some RIDICULOUS things)

National Nature Reserve (NNR) This is probably closest to what you think of when someone says "nature reserve." Designated by Natural England to protect significant habitat ranges and geographic formations, but still usually operates in tandem with private land owners who must get consent if they want to do something potentially damaging to the NNR.

Site of Special Scientific Interest (SSSI) (pronounced Triple S-I) A conservation designation for a particular place, assessed and defined by Natural England for its biological or geographic significance. SSSIs are protected areas, and often become the basis for NNRs, LNRs, Ramsar sites, SACs, SPAs, etc.

So you probably noticed that 3/4 of those needed to have the private ownership problem mentioned right in the summary, and it doesn't end there. Even fully government-managed NNRs and SSSIs work with the private sectors of forestry, tourism, and recreation.

We live under Capitalism; EVERYTHING has a profit motive, not just zoos.

I brushed over some of those factors in my Moorland Research Notes and DESPERATELY tried to stay succinct with them, but it was hard. The things that can happen to skirt around the UK's laws protecting wildlife could make an entire season of Monty Python sketches.

Protestors can angrily oppose felling silver birch (a "weed" in this context which can change the ecosystem) because it made a hike less 'pretty' and they don't understand heath management.

Management can be reluctant to ban dogs and horses for fear of backlash, even as they turn heath to sward before our eyes.

Reserves can be owned by Count Bloodsnurt who thinks crashing through the forest with a pack of dogs to exhaust an animal to death is a profitable traditional British passtime.

Or you can literally just pretend that you accidentally chased a deer for several hours and then killed it while innocently sending your baying hounds down a trail. (NOTE: I am pro-hunting, but not pro-animal cruelty.)

The Forestry Commission can slobber enthusiastically while replacing endangered wildlife habitats with non-native, invasive sitka spruce plantations, pretending most trees are equal while conveniently prioritizing profitable timber species.

I have STORIES to tell about the absolute Looney Tunes bullshit that's going on between conservationists and rich assholes who want to sell grouse hunting access, but I'll leave it at this fascinating tidbit about air guns and mannequins which are "totally, absolutely there for no nefarious reason at all, certainly not to prevent marsh harriers from nesting in an area where they also keep winding up mysteriously killed in illegal snares, no no no"

BUT. Since Nature Reserve isn't a hard defined legal concept, and any organization could get involved in local conservation in the UK, and just about anyone or anything could own one... IT'S CHESTER ZOO WITH THE STEEL CHAIR!!

They received a grant in 2021 to restore habitat to a stretch of 10 miles extending outside of their borders, working with TONS of other entities such as local government and conservation charities in the process. There's now 6,000 square meters of restored meadow, an orchard, new ponds, and maintained reedbeds, because of them.

It isn't just Chester Zoo, either. It's all over the UK. Durrel Wildlife, which runs Jersey Zoo, just acquired 18,500 acres to rewild in Perthshire. Citizen Zoo is working with the Beaver Trust to bring beavers back to London and is always looking for volunteers to help with their river projects, and the Edinburgh Zoo is equipped with gene labs being used to monitor and analyze the remaining populations of non-hybrid Scottish Wildcats.

The point being,

Nature preserves have problems too. They are not magical fairy kingdoms that you put up a fence around and then declare you Saved Nature Hooray! They need to be protected. They need to be continuously assessed. They are prone to capitalist pressures just like everything else on this hell planet. Go talk to my boy Karl he'll give you a hug about it.

"Nature Preserves" are NOT an "alternative" to zoos and vice versa. They do not do the same thing. A zoo is a center of education and wildlife research which displays exotic animals. A nature preserve is a parcel of native ecosystem. We need LOTS of nature preserves and we need them well-managed ASAP.

We could never just "replace" zoos with nature preserves, and we're nowhere near the amount of protected ecosystem space to start thinking of scaling back animals in captivity. Until King Arthur comes out of hibernation to save Britain, that's the world we live in.

An Aside

My project and my research is based on the isle of Great Britain. The more I learn about the ecosystems that are naturally found there, the more venomously I reject the old lie, "humans are a blight."

YOU are an animal. You're a big one, too. You know what the role of big animals in an ecosystem are? Change. Elephants knock over trees, wolves alter the course of rivers, bison fertilize the plains from coast-to-coast. In Great Britain, that's what hominids have done for 900,000 years, their populations ebbing and flowing with every ice age.

Early farming created the moors and grazing sheep and cattle maintain it, hosting hundreds of specialist species. Every old-growth forest has signs of ancient coppicing and pollarding, which create havens for wildlife when well-managed. Corn cockle evolved as a mimic of wheat seeds, so farmers would plant it over and over within their fields.

This garbage idea that humans are somehow "separate" from or "above" nature is poison. It's not true ANYWHERE.

It contributes to an idea that our very presence is somehow damaging to natural spaces, and to "protect" it, we have to completely leave it alone. NO! Absolutely NOT! There are places where we have to limit harvesting and foot traffic, but humans ALWAYS lived in nature.

Even the ecosystems that this mindset comes from rejects it, but this shit doesn't JUST get applied to British people who become alienated and disconnected from their surroundings to the point where they don't know what silver birch does.

It's DEADLY for the indigenous people who protect 80% of our most important ecosystems.

It's a weapon against the Maasai people, stopped from hunting or growing crops on their own land. It's violence for 9 San hunters shot at by a helicopter with a "kill poachers on-sight" policy, as one of the world's LARGEST diamond mines operates in the same motherfucking park. The Havasupai people are kept out of the Grand Canyon that they managed for generations because they might "collect too many nuts" and starve squirrels, Dukha reindeer herders suddenly get banned from chopping wood or fishing, and watch wolves decimate their animals in the absence of their herding dogs.

It's nightmare after nightmare of human displacement in the name of "conservation."

That all ties back to that mindset. This idea that nature is pure, "pristine," and should be totally untouched. There are some starting to call it Fortress Conservation.

You can't begin to understand the criticisms of modern conservation without acknowledging that we are still living under the influence of capitalism and colonialism. Those who fixate on speaking for "animals/nature/trees who don't have a voice" often seem to have no interest in the indigenous people who do.

Listen. There's no simple answer; and the solution will vary for each region.

Again, my project is within the UK, one of the most ecologically devastated areas in the world. There are bad zoos that the law allows a pass. There are incredible zoos that are vital to conservation, in and outside of the country. There's not enough nature preserves. The best ones that exist are often exploited for profit.

I hope that my silly little blog sparks an interest in a handful of people to understand more about their own local ecosystems, and teaches folks about the unique beauty even within a place as "boring" as England.

But, my straightforward statement is that I have no patience for nonconstructive, broad zoo slander that lumps together ALL of them, and open contempt for anyone who tries to sell nature preserves like a perfect, morally superior "alternative." We need them BOTH right now, and we need to acknowledge that zoos AND preserves have legal and ethical issues that aren't openly talked about.

[charmedreincarnation]

As most people don’t know I just want to say I’m definitely more into shifting than any other spiritual practice as that is something very much apart of my life and I’m indulged in. Not to say I don’t care or want to talk about other stuff but I know way more about shifting and stuff related to that than the void state !!!! I love dicussion about quantum jumping, the multi verse, time, 3D vs 4D, chakras, plus I have so many shifting stories hehe. Don’t get me wrong, I love void discussions, it’s a fascinating thing and other Loa inquires but I also want to talk about shifting more because that’s something I’ve actually mastered 😋😋 I’ve also been in the shifting community for way longer than the void community so I have more years of experience, and have met so many people who have educated me so much more than for example the void state!

Anyways here are my reality shifting tips that I talk about often and can also be applied to manifesting (for those who separate the two concepts) and even the void state or whatever you desire

1. You are limitless.

When I first started I had a bunch of questions about limits and what I can and can’t do, and what are the boundaries I can’t cross after learning about this phenomenon. Now I can say, you make to own rules because you quiete literally are god. If you can intend and imagine it, you can make it your perception and reality. This can be applied to anything, shifting, manifesting, even something as minuscule as playing a sport or passing a test. Society did use to tell us we can do anything if we put our mind to it and to dream big and reach for the sky, but it truly is a real concept I wish they ingrained in us a little more. Unfortunately for society, us being prepared to work 9-5s to give back to the government is more important. You don’t have to follow that path though, you found this for a reason so utilize it to live your dream life. It’s your life and your rules

2. this ties back with point one but the universe doesn’t shift you, because you are the universe

every time I browse shifting communities it’s someone saying you have to shift like this or that.. for the universe, or other false concepts like divine timing Well, the universe doesn’t care respectfully, because we are the universe. You can ask for help from the universe if that’s your belief and manifest your environment to help in your biddings but at the end of the day, it’s all you. This is why when people try to enforce cutting karmic ties, doing shadow work, learning about chakras, giving back to the universe, etc, it can be counter productive to your journey. While that can help SOME PEOPLE… it’s not what everyone needs or should even do. I’m not methodical at all and that stuff didn’t mean much to me and when I tried to force myself to care and it honestly slowed me down and was a waste of time. You know yourself and what you need. So follow your heart and intuition!

3. if I could tattoo this in everyone’s mind I would but feeling is much more important than visualizing or affirmation.

The feeling is the single-handed most important concept that everyone can utilize. A lot of people are bad visualizers and think it’s the end of the world when the feeling is what changes your visualizations into reality. I’m a maladaptive daydreamer so trust me when I took the visualization part and only did that, I got super sad when it didn’t help me shift since it’s something everyone preaches is so important. I wish it was the key to shifting because I would have done it in seconds. But our subconscious can’t tell the difference between images we see in our heads/daydreams and reality, so it’s the feeling that changes the perception and awareness successfully. Someone asked me how to successfully “feel” so I’m just going to explain it here because I think it gets to the point.

It’s hard to feel something you’re not feeling. As for shifting.. that’s the content of knowing you’ll wake up in your dr, but then again if you haven’t shifted yet how would you know what it feels like. To us, it would be pure bliss, and a state of fulfillment, the same as accomplishing a goal. But it’s hard to feel the fulfillment while trying to fulfill it if it makes sense? That’s why most people utilize other things like music, to get to the happy feeling and pretend with that by using methods like the sunny or Estelle method but to me, that stuff is distracting so I just had to practice and enhance my “smelling, hearing, and tasting”

I think it’s easier to pretend to feel and see (as in the sense of feel) but it’s harder to try to feel like you’re smelling your dr, tasting food in your dr, and hearing other people in your dr. I would try visual practices like pretending to eat an apple. For me I’m a great visualizer (again I’m a maladaptive daydreamer) but could you get yourself to taste the apple and hear yourself eating the apple. And maybe feel annoyed because to me the crunch of an apple is so annoying lol. Could you embody the state of being annoyed?

Oh, yea also practices using the first person. That’s something I also struggled with because I like watching my visualizations but that’s not my feeling. That’s seeing, and you should use all 5 senses together

In short don’t just feel the happiness you know you would have, utilize your 5 senses in your imagination when trying to shift, it will bring you closer to your home.

4. stop running away from your problems under the guise of the law of assumption.

For a long time, I ignored my reality and would pretend oh “I’m going to shift anyways so it doesn’t matter” you’re not assuming you’re going to shift if you’re hoping to do it. I would say I assume it will happen then hope and beg for the universe to shift me. you can’t gaslight yourself to not have doubts lol and you may be saying you’re going to shift but again feelings trump affirmations and you feel in your heart you won’t so that’s your reality. Now I know a lot of people on here have hard-lives, it’s why and how a lot of people found shifting. But seriously try manifesting a better current reality you’re aware of while trying to shift. Manifesting and shifting are two sides of the same coin and you can easily intertwine them to benefit you both ways. Find what works for you. You’ll have a better time assuming you’ll shift when you’re not clouded with stress from your cr and the sadness you get from it. (Not saying you can’t shift if you’re sad depressed or have doubts, You can) I’m saying it helps to not feel a weighing pressure to shift to escape, instead of shifting to escape for your eternal happiness.

5. There is nothing wrong with escapism

This is such a huge discussion in the community and such a stupid one at that. Every form of entertainment is a source of escape. Watching tv, vacations, having friends, sleeping. It’s a normal part of the human psyche, why should we be forced to only work, go to school, and sleep and have that be are only life. Shifting can be for escaping! It is, wether you do it temporarily or permanently, and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. You shouldn’t be forced to stay here with everything wrong with the world, especially after you shift once you just know there’s so much better life out there for you. You are not confined to any reality, nor are you forced to stay anywhere you are not happy and anyone who tells you otherwise can shut their mouth. There is nothing wrong with change, and finding what makes you happy. The only thing wrong is staying where you’re not appreciated or happy when you have access to other sources. Please don’t let anyone gaslight you into feeling bad for prioritizing yourself and well being.

6.Lastly this ties back to the last point but find a support group whether in real or online

I know not everyone finds this to be some huge journey but I think we can all agree it’s become a huge part of your life. Find people to talk to not only about your journey but anything at all. I’ve made great shifting friends and they’re the only reason I’m coming back before I perma shift! I want to help them with their journeys before I go as well as all the amazing people on this subreddit who helped me.

Special note: All methods lead to shifting and manifesting successfully <3 behind every successful shifting method is a strong intention by the user of said method. All methods are doors to your desires, just choose which one you want to open, and don’t over complicate it! If you think your method work it will work.

that’s it. anything else could fall back into one of these categories! If one resonated with you, or all six or even 0, that’s fine! You’ll find what works for you as you go along but if this helps even one person I’ll be happy. sorry if it’s too long. I tried to keep it short and concise, cause I could probably go all day

[swollenbabyfat]

How did you come to draw and paint the way you do? What inspirations do you pull from? All of your art oozes with some strange, almost ethereal emotion I've not quite seen anywhere else, something similar to what I'd like to capture with my own works.

I’ve always had a bit of a hard time answering this bc like…I honestly think aesthetic/inspirational/taste stuff is a library you build up over your whole life, or maybe a closet that you try things on to see what does and doesn’t work for you. My biggest advice to this kinda stuff is to experiment a lot and take in a lot of media in a purposeful way, and try to actively apply things you like about said medias to your work. And don’t just consume stuff within your field, I take inspiration from a ton of stuff that isn’t art. I also recommend having somewhere to keep a kind of reserve of inspo, wether it be on tumblr or Pinterest or what have you.

So with that being said I’ll try to sum up what I can about myself.

I’m a horror lover, have been since I was (too) young. I’ve consumed a ton of horror movies, read a lot of books, and certainly have digested a lot of art about it. I am a bit of a haunted person haha, and I’ve always really attached myself to horror, and with some exception to just purely cute stuff I truly am always thinking about it with my work. I am not really aiming to make people feel comfortable with my stuff, in fact often the opposite, but many feel understood anyways which feels nice. I don’t think horror for horrors sake is always as fufilling to me, it always pulls from something internal that I’ve been wrestling with or are afraid of myself.

I am classically trained in fine art due to the kind of art program my highschool had (magnet program if that means anything to anyone), it was incredibly good and I always feel so lucky I got to go there. Bc of this I learned a lot of techniques in painting as well as the fundamental of art. I don’t think my art would be the way it is without this training, but I also think with how the internet is now you can probably do the same thing at your own pace, just have to be dedicating a decent amount of time and mental energy into it.

Bc of my highschool training I also learned about art history, which had a big impact on me, particularly renaissance, baroque, and rococo. Religious imagery as well had a huge impact on me, particularly catholic (probs cause we learned about it it the most). I would say doing master studies with these would be a huge help.

I would say it’s important to me that each “full” illustration tells a story of sorts, I can’t really help it, I’m a story teller at heart. I use a lot of symbolic imagery, I pull a lot from religious imagery but also within fruit, flowers, personal objects… I think “what am I trying to say with this work” and kind of go from there with what I choose. Make your own personal symbolism language.

There’s like this certainty digital painting aesthetic I really enjoy by niche furry artist lol, many of them really nsfw so I don’t feel comfortable linking to them. It’s like…highly detailed well rendered pieces that they make with literally one brush that is often without any kind of pen pressure, just layering things with opacity. It’s crazy and yeah idk they’re definitely up there in inspo for me.

I really really care about fashion. Lolita was my first love in terms of clothing, and I pull a ton of inspiration from it, but also a lot of other street styles and runways stuff. I like drama and frills.

I play with my art and stories in a way that I don’t know how to describe other than childlike. It’s important for me to do so in my process, but basically, I let my imagination run wild, I talk to my characters, I listen to music and think about them. A lot of my bigger pieces take a lot of time of me thinking about them ahead a time, I draw in my head a lot. Sketchbooks are a huge help in this.

I thiiiiiink that’s all I have to say for now…I could probably list a million things but this feels like a good core to start with. I hope it’s not too vague, but I’m always good to keep answering stuff like this if you wanna know about one part in depth.

[aaronhotchnersworld]

aaron hotchner x bau female reader

I honestly didn’t like how I wrote my first oneshot, the one of y/n getting shot. I feel like I wrote it poorly so i’m going to try to write it again and just change up a few things

—

Stay with me

We are in Ohio for a case.

We just found the location of the unsub, after 2 weeks. Well actually unsubs. plural. The unsub has a whole team of people working for him. We don’t know how many they have but there are 7 of us, Aaron, Emily, JJ, Spencer, Derek, David and me.

We all quickly put on our bullets proof vests before heading to the suv’s. I got into an suv with Hotch and Prentiss.

We all arrive at the abandoned building, it is huge. Due to the fact it’s so big we all have to split up.

As soon as we enter the building, gunshots come flying our way.

We all quickly duck down and begin firing back. They all begin running in opposite directions.

It’s exactly what they want, for us to split up.

I turn and run in the direction I just saw one of them run. He turns and shoots at me, barely missing me.

He runs out the doors and I quickly run out after him.

All of a sudden, I hear a gunshot, and I fall onto the pavement.

Was I just shot?!

I feel the blood start to pour out of me as I become cold. I cant move, no matter how hard I try.

I can feel myself being surrounded in a pool of my own blood.

I can’t tell if i’ve been laying here for 10 seconds or 20 minutes. My eyes are so heavy, but I know if I close them now there’s a chance I won’t open them again.

I hear someone say my name.

Next thing I know, Hotch is kneeling down next to me putting pressure onto my side.

It’s bad. I know it is.

Tears roll down my cheeks.

“you’re going to be okay y/n. It’s okay,” He says but I can hear the panic in his voice.

I just look at him.

I’ve never seen his face like that before, the pure panic. He always manages to keep a straight face, even when dealing with the most horrible criminals.

But I can see it in his eyes that he is scared.

Tears continue to roll down my cheeks and he wipes them away with one hand while his other hand is on my side.

“it’s okay you’re okay,” he reassures me.

My eyelids become even heavier and begin closing.

“keep them open”

I open them again. I think Hotch has tears in his eyes.

“H- Hotch,” I say but he’s screaming for someone to get a medic.

I begin to choke on my blood and he quickly turns me on my side.

“Aaron,” I try to say but it comes out as a whisper.

“it’s okay I got you y/n. you are going to be okay”

I can tell he doesn’t even believe the words coming out of his mouth.

I can feel my body shaking. I can’t control it and i’m so cold.

“i- im cold.”

“i know, it’s cold out here but it’s okay you’re gonna be okay,” he says but I can sense the worry in his voice.

I can feel his shaky hands and he so desperately try’s to stop the bleeding coming out of me.

I wasn’t cold before. He knows it’s not a good sign.

My life begins to flash before my eyes.

I remember everything.

I remember how happy I was when I got accepted into the fbi.

I remember when I first started at the bau 7 years ago and how much I have grown to love everyone on the team.

I quickly snap back to reality as Hotch applies more pressure.

I can definitely see the tears in his eyes now.

I’m not ready to die. I can’t die.

“aaron”

He looks at me and I see a tear fall from his eye. I never used him first name, unless something was wrong.

“i- im not ready to die. please don’t let me die,” I practically beg him.

“you are not going to die. I got you. You will be okay y/n,” He says, I can hear his voice crack.

“please just stay with me,” He says desperately.

“i’m scared,” I manage to get out. I’m terrified and I know he is too.

“I know. It’s okay I got you and i’m not going anywhere I promise. you’re gonna be okay,” He says fearfully.

There’s only so much he can do for me. He’s not a paramedic, he’s an fbi agent, a very talented one but he only knows so much when it comes to gun shot wounds.

My eyes become even heavier and my breathing is extremely shallow.

“you need to stay with me okay? you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. Keep your eyes open.”

He’s trying to be strong for me. But I can tell he’s just as scared as me.

I need to tell him. just in case I don’t make it. He needs to know.

“if- if i don’t make it-”

He cuts me off as tears stream down both his and my face. “you are going to be okay”

“aaron please”

He just looks at me

“I- I love you,” I say.

I hear him let out a sob. “I love you too y/n I always have. Keep those eyes open. Please.”

He’s covered in blood. my blood. It’s so much blood.

I knew the risk when joining the bau. the risk that I could die. But I never thought it would actually happen to me.

The pain begins to go away and I start to feel numb.

“i- im n- not in p- pain,” I say choking on my blood.

I didn’t think any more look of panic could appear on his face but it did as soon as I said that.

I should be in pain. I know i’m slowly dying and he knows that too.

“The ambulance should be here any minute. Just keep those eyes open alittle longer,” He says as tears trickled down his cheeks.

I try my best. But I don’t think I can.

“i- im sorry,” I say as my breathing becomes even shallower and my eyes close.

The last thing I remember is Aaron begging for me to open my eyes and stay with him.

———

I don’t take my eyes off of her. I keep pressure on her side.

Her lips and fingers are turning blue.

Tears continue to slip from eyes. where the fuck is the ambulance?

I hear sirens in the background but i’m too focused on y/n to comprehend anything. I can’t lose her. I just can’t.

“aaron the ambulance is here,” derek says as they rush over.

They quickly take her from me and put her on the gurney.

“if we don’t leave now she won’t have a chance. i’m sorry but unfortunately no one can ride with us. There is too much work that needs done.” and then they leave.

“how the hell did this happen?” I cry out.

“I don’t know but I shot the son of a bitch that did this to her,” derek says and I can hear the anger and fear in his voice.

I look down at where she was. There’s so much blood. too much blood. I’m covered in blood. the grounds covered in blood. y/n was covered in blood.

“we need to go to the hospital now,” I say.

“You’re not driving aaron, I am.”

“no i am driving”

“you are not in the right mindset to drive, give me the keys so we can go,” derek tells me.

I give them to him.

We all gather into the multiple suv’s and make our way to the hospital. She has to be okay. I need her.

———

“how is she,” I immediately ask as I see the doctor. The rest of the team stands aswell.

“She lost a lot of blood. It was touch and go for awhile. Her body is too unstable so we had to put her into a medically induced coma, it will give her body time to heal. She will be in a lot of pain after due to the bullet, it did alot of damage, more than we originally thought. She will be okay and you guys can visit her if you’d like. She should wake up within the next day or two,” the doctor states.

Relief rushed over me. She’s going to be okay. Thank god. I feel tears fall from my eyes and I don’t even bother to hide them.

The doctor shows us to y/n’s room. She looks so peaceful. I feel terrible. She didn’t deserve this.

———

It takes a lot for me to open my eyes but I do it. so many bright lights. Is there a tube in my throat? oh my god i can’t breath. I need to get this out. I begin to thrash and grab the tube when 2 large hands pull my hands away.

“no no no don’t take it okay the doctors coming y/n it’s okay you’re okay”

I calm down at the sight of Aaron.

A doctor rushes in to take the tube out of my throat.

“y/n, glad to see you’re awake, i’m Doctor Stone”

“are you in any pain,” he asks.

I nod.

He puts something in my iv, asks me a few more questions before leaving. I could barely answer him. I’m so exhausted.

Aaron has been here the whole time but the team gathers in here as soon as the doctor walks about.

It’s dark outside, I didn’t realize it was 3am. The team stays for about 30 minutes before saying their goodbyes.

Aaron is still here.

“are you staying,” you ask him softly.

“I was planning on it, are you okay with that,”

“yes”

This is the first time you’ve gotten to be alone with him since you woke up.

“how are you feeling,” he asks softly as his hand lays on top of your.

“terrible,” you tell him honestly.

He frowns.

“do you need anything?”

you hesitate to answer.

“it’s okay,” he tells you.

“i- im scared aaron. can you just hug me please?” you plead as tears fall from your eyes.

He doesn’t hesitate to move closer to you and engulf you in a gentle hug. “it’s okay you’re safe now,” he whispers to you.

“you should get some rest,” he says as he pulls away.

“i’m not tired”

“you do realize i’m a profiler, you can’t fool me,” he says and I smile.

“you look like you haven’t slept aaron”

“if you get some rest, so will I”

“deal,” you say.

he shuts the light out and leaves on the little lamp next to your bed and makes his way to the couch.

I try to fall asleep but I can’t. I’m in pain and i’m just scared.

fuck.

“why aren’t you sleeping,” you hear aaron say.

“why aren’t you,” I reply.

“y/n,” he says as he gets up and sits in the chair right next to me.

“i just- my mind keeps racing. what if I died? What if you never found me? what if you found me dead? I don’t want to put you and Jack through that,” I say as my voice cracks.

He takes my hand into his.

“listen to me, you are okay. You don’t have to worry about what might have happened because I found you. You are okay y/n/n. Nothing is going to happen.”

I just smile at him.

“now come on, try and get some rest. i’ll stay right here until you fall asleep.”

“you don’t have to do that aar”

“i want too,” he says as he strokes my hand.

My eyes become heavy and I quickly fall asleep knowing he is there.

———

It’s been 10 days and i’m finally being discharged. Aaron and I were still in Ohio and the rest of the team left to go home yesterday.

“are you ready to go?”

“yes,” I tell aaron.

He helps walk me outside. I can walk, it’s just very painful to do so.

“you stay here, i’m gonna get the car,” he says as he smiles at me.

———

We’ve been driving for about 2 hours.

“how much longer?”

“we still have about 5 hours”

I sigh, “i’m sorry you have to drive all the way back just because I got hurt”

“dont even worry about it y/n. I don’t mind, really. I enjoy spending time with you. I’ve been thinking, the doctor doesn’t want you to be alone. Do you want to stay with Jack and I?”

“I’d love too but I don’t want to intrude,” I say softly.

“you could never intrude y/n and I know Jack would love to see you.”

I smile. I love Jack. “thank you aaron.”

I lean against the window and close my eyes, letting sleep take over.

———

The next time I wake up, I feel Aarons suit jacket on me. It smells just like him.

“We are about 20 minutes away from my place, do you wanna stop at your place for anything first,” he softly asked.

“no i have everything in my bag.”

It was currently 3am and we just arrived at Aaron’s house. As I get out of the car, I lean over in pain.

Aaron rushes over and puts his hand on my back.

“are you okay? what hurts?” he asked urgently.

I just nod my head.

he grabs both of our bags and helps me into the house and guides me to the bedroom.

“you can sleep in here y/n, i’ll stay on the couch”

“no no no please I don’t want to take your bed.”

“y/n it’s okay I don’t mind.”

“I- I don’t really want to sleep alone,” I whisper feeling ashamed.

He sits next to me on the bed and grabs my hand.

“okay that’s okay, i’ll stay in here with you, okay?”

I nod as a tear falls from my eye.

He gently wipes it away.

“let’s go to sleep,” he softly says. He helps me get under the covers. It’s very painful.

I wince in pain.

“I know i’m sorry,” he says sympathetically.

He goes over and shuts off the light and gets under the covers with me.

“Can I move closer to you,” I ask quietly.

I don’t think he wants me to move because he moved closer to me.

I lay my head on his chest and he strokes my hair.

“I like you Aaron, a lot,” I admit.

“and I like you even more,” he says as he kisses my forehead.

“go to sleep y/n” he whispers in my ear

———

I wake up to noise coming from the kitchen. I realize Aarons not in bed anymore. I try to get up, but immediately wince in pain.

Aaron walks into the room and rushes over to me, “hey hey hey what are you doing?”

He helps me up and guides me into the living room, letting me sit on the coach. “Y/N,” I hear. Jack. He runs over to me and gives me a hug. “Hi buddy,” I say as I giggle.

“I hope you feel better,” he says softly.

“thank you jack.”

“why don’t you go get it for her Jack,” aaron says to Jack.

i’m confused. What is he talking about?

Jack comes running back with breakfast for me.

“Daddy and I made you breakfast,” he says excitedly.

“Thank you both so much I appreciate it,” I tell them with a smile on my face.

Aaron sits down next to me while Jack walks to the bathroom.

“you guys didn’t have to do all this for me,” I tell him.

“yes we did. You’re hurt and you need to fuel your body to get better.”

“Thank you Aaron,” I say and lean my head on his shoulder.

He kisses my forehead.

“I will always be here for you y/n and so will Jack. You two are the most important to me.”

I smile as he says that.

“Once you get better, i’m gonna take you out on a date, how would you feel about that,” he asks with a smile.

“I would love that,” I say with a big smile on my face.

[odinsblog]

Have you ever been over something, and then years later, someone, out of the blue, brings it up and it really just knocks the wind out of you?

Okay, so this is about high school. I’m nearly 40, so that’s multiple lifetimes ago, right?

I’m pretty sure that I’ve posted about this here at least once, but I can’t find the post to link to it

Here’s the deal

In high school I wasn’t …. hmm …. Idk exactly how to describe it. I played sports (track, football, swimming), but I wasn’t POPULAR popular, right? But I also wasn’t NOT popular

My high school (in Florida) hadn’t been desegregated for very long, and there weren’t a LOT of Black students but there was enough of us so that we felt as comfortable as you possibly could given the circumstances

But I was like a universal joint: I played well with others and I fit in well with almost everyone, and if you don’t include some of the overtly racist teachers, I had almost no enemies (don’t get me wrong, I definitely had my share of fights with school bullies, but after you win enough of those, they kinda stop trying you)

Anyway,

I cannot even tell you why, but for some reason in senior year I decided to run for president of the student class

Wild, right?

So after all of the preliminary votes, it narrowed down to two people (I was more surprised than anyone that I actually made it that far - I guess bc I never really expected to win, maybe running for student class president was kinda like a high school bucket list thing for me?)

Anyway, my final opponent was a white guy named Bill. I knew Bill because in high school somewhere along the way, it was impressed on me that I should participate in as many non-athletic extracurricular activities as possible, to make me a better rounded person, and I was in the SUPER FUCKING RACIST Interact Club with Bill. How racist was Interact, you ask? Well, you had to “apply” for membership to Interact. When I applied, I had no idea what it was. I just knew that my student counselor had suggested it to me, and why not ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(my graduating class was 2,500 students large, so it wasn’t as big as some of the schools I had attended up north, but it was “big” for Florida)

A teacher was responsible for actually running Interact, but the students really RAN it, know what I mean? Even though I had been working since I was 10yrs old, my Interact Club interview was probably my first real interview. It was kind of a big deal. Like, you had to schedule it and dress up for it and everything. And if you got accepted, your name got put up on a placard, prominently located on one of the main halls of our school

My first interview question, from the teacher in charge of the “club,” was: “Can you take racist jokes against Black people without getting angry?”

WTF??

To say the least, I was 100% completely caught off guard—I knew what racism was, and I definitely knew that it was present in my school, because I’d experienced it firsthand from other students and teachers, but for some reason I wasn’t expecting it to happen at Interact Club. Silly me

I suddenly became acutely aware that I was the only Black person in a room full of white people: the teacher/advisor, about 10 students who were already members of Interact, and mf Bill. Because OF COURSE Bill was already in Interact, and he was just grinning from ear to ear as I sat there in front of the classroom in this fucking “interview” from hell

BUT…! Anyone who knows me knows that one of my core personality traits is, if I get hit—no matter how hard—I always always always hit back. After a moment or two, my response was: “Yeah, can YOU take racist jokes about crackers?”

NGL, I’m not known for my quick wit, or always having the deftest or best clapbacks, but I surprised myself. I really patted myself on the back for that one

Nobody said a word for what seemed like an eternity. It was enough time that I still remember wondering if I might get detention or suspended or something

Finally, the teacher just said, “Okay. You’re in” and he got up, and quietly left the room. Leaving me alone with Bill and 10 not very amused white boys. Bill wasn’t grinning anymore

One or two of the guys got up (I was fully ready to fight, and I was cocky enough to believe that I could take them all down), but they just shook my hand, congratulated me and then they all left the room too

I would later learn that I was the first Black student in my county to get (“accepted”) into the Interact Club. This motif of, “first Black person to…” would follow me around in a lot of aspects in life, until my late 20s

Now, fast forward to the day before Election Day for student body president. It was my very first time giving a public speech. To a crowded auditorium full of my classmates. It was a little bit nerve wracking, but once I got into it, it was easy peasy. Enough so that I actually remember relaxing on stage and even ad libbing a few jokes into my speech. All in all, it wasn’t a bad experience. In fact, I kinda enjoyed it

Lmao, I made a shit ton of promises that I had no idea how I would keep, like getting the school to play music from the local Black radio station in the cafeteria during lunch—and the auditorium exploded in cheers and applause with this impromptu commitment of mine. Like I said, it was a good experience

Bill gave his speech, but I remember it being flat, bland and boring (kinda like Bill) and there was a smattering of claps here and there, and I distinctly recall thinking, “Is Bill really bombing here?” It surprised me because I was like, he had home field advantage, right? I mean, I could count on the Black students to vote for me, but collectively we didn’t account for more than about 15% of my student body class. We had to be bussed in. Bill shoulda been killing it. He had home field advantage, right??

The day after our speeches, was voting day. The principal told Bill and I that we would each be given the results in person before last period, and then the winner would be announced via intercom at the end of the school day. The principal made it clear that the loser would be expected to gracefully accept the outcome and shake hands with the winner. He was looking directly at me as he said this, but it didn’t bother me that much because I never really expected to win. I was outnumbered, but I was proud of myself for making it this far. And everyone who I passed in the hallways was telling me, “Don’t worry, O, I voted for you. You got this in the bag.” A surprising number of white kids were saying this to me. The football team, cheerleaders,… like … a lot of white kids. Hmm… interesting

Weirdly, the closer that me winning seemed like a real possibility, the more I wanted it. But there was no fucking way that I was going to actually win

In the middle of that day, announcement day, I was called to the principal’s office via the p.a. system. I was shaking walking down to the office

I made my way into the office and the school secretary smiled at me and told me to go to another room down the hall where “they” were all waiting for me

And now I’M SUPER NERVOUS

I get to the closed door of the room, take a deep breath, gather my nerves, open the door and go in

And the ONLY people in that room are Bill and that fucking Interact Club teacher, and a few members of the Interact Club. Bill is wearing this giant smirk on his face, and the teacher is smiling. “You lost,” the teacher bluntly told me. “Now shake hands with Bill”

And I start to shake hands, because all of the wind is rapidly leaving my sails, and I’m literally deflating in front of everyone, but just before my hand meets with Bill’s hand, I pause and ask, “How much did I lose by?”

This wasn’t me trying to buy time or anything, I genuinely wanted to know. I was just curious. The teacher looked like this question caught him off guard, and he looked back at two of the students, and then they looked at each other, and they whispered to each other, and then one of them raised one finger, and the Interact teacher said, “You lost by one vote”

Somehow, that was even worse than losing by a hundred votes

And Idk where this presence of mind came from, but I asked if I could get a recount (losing by one vote wasn’t sitting right with me)

The Interact teacher said he didn’t think that was allowed, but he must have seen the look on my face (I was definitely going to go ask the principal) and he gave me a disapproving sigh and said, “Okay, we’ll do the recount. Come back in an hour.”

And I was like, “WHO will do the recount?” and he gestures to the Interact Club members and himself

Oh. Okay.

I just walked out without saying anything. Bill and his friends and the racist teacher were in charge of the vote counting. Great. Fine. Whatever

Needless to say, when the “recount” was done, I still “lost” but this time, I was told that I lost by 2 votes

So yeah, it wasn’t thee worst thing to ever happen to me, but it left a really bad taste in my mouth, ya know? After it was announced to the entire school, everyone was coming up to me for days afterwards telling me that they voted for me and they couldn’t believe that I didn’t win

I always believed that I had won, but it was high school. Whatchagonnado? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It wasn’t a life defining moment or anything, it was just something that happened, but it’s not lost on me that I still recall everything as if it happened last week

But I did let it go and I moved on

It’s something that I haven’t thought about literally in years. Decades, in fact

Until recently

I was out running one morning and a guy was going in the opposite direction and he kinda stared at me as I went around him. And then he yells, “Hey, is your name Odin?” and I stop and go back and tell him yes, and we start talking, and it turns out that he went to my high school. I completely do not remember him, but whatever. It’s always kinda nice to see old faces from old places

So after a few minutes we do the obligatory, “hey let’s exchange phone numbers and keep in touch” thing, but even though I gave him my phone number, I had absolutely no intention of ever contacting him. I’m busy. I got shit to do

Maybe a month later, I get a phone call and it’s the dude who I bumped into who knew me from high school. So in real time, it’s last week

We’re talking and I’m ready to hang up after about 30 seconds, but I don’t want to be rude so I let him keep talking and waited for the right moment to jump in and throw in an excuse to end the call

He’s going on and on and says, “I know you didn’t recognize me that day, but I was trying to talk to you and tell you something, but you seemed like you were in a rush…” and I’m thinking to myself, yeah, much like right now, and for some reason I get unusually blunt (in social settings I’m normally more patient and accommodating, but something felt off, and I really was busy)

Then he says, “I need to tell you something, but I …”

Long silence

Look, man, whatever it is just say it

“Thanks, I just never thought I’d … I want to get it off my … (long sigh)”

Just say it

“You won that election back in high school. I was one of the people counting the votes. You won. You won by a lot. We gave it to Bill”

……

[little-diable]

I’ve decided to add a collection of my smutty professor fics, since this list will definitely keep on growing. Please remember that I am not allowing you to edit or copy those fics to other platforms.

Professor Aaron Hotchner

Profiling 101 (Series, Prof!Hotchner)

The reader enrolls in professor Hotchner's class "Profiling 101", a man she has always looked up to, a man who treats her like an asshole from day one. Will her need for academic validation manage to push the two closer together? Will her bright mind push her into the world of Aaron Hotchner and the BAU team? Will he manage to keep his distance before the world he tries to protect her from can get its grasp on her?

Professor Tom Holland

Tides of Drowned Affections (fake dating, smut)

The reader has never been close with her family, but when she's ordered to come home for her sister's wedding, (y/n) is in need of a helping hand. Or: When a panic attack is the reason Professor Holland takes on the role of the reader's boyfriend.

Distraction (smut)

After years of being professor Holland’s student, the reader finally finishes her studies and joins the team as a young professor – allowing the two to finally give into their teasing.

The Painting (smut)

Professor Holland takes his students on a trip, exploring art galleries, admiring paintings he can barely spare any attention to, mind fully focused on her, the student he found himself. drawn to like a moth to a flame

2am Texts (smut)

An unknown number texts Tom in the middle of the night, forcing his attention away from grading his stack of exams. And somehow he finds himself obsessed with the stranger that keeps holding contact with him.

Lovers like Orpheus and Eurydice (smut)

Professor Holland hates the reader, and she hates him. But when she applies for the position as his TA, things start to change and somewhere along the way - between an argument and spending the night together - they fall for one another.

Professor Tom Riddle

All to myself (smut)

Another student tries to touch the reader, so Professor Riddle has to remind his TA that she is his, only his. Pwp

Professor Benedict Cumberbatch

Summer Retreat (smut)

Mean prof!Benedict and the reader are forced to cross paths on their vacation, the vacation he used to read her dissertation.

Lucky Shirt  (smut)

Professor Cumberbatch was perfect. He was sweet, supportive, ever-willing to help. He was attentive and loved to praise your achievements. It came to no surprise that you had ended up trying and succeeding at becoming his favourite student. The two of you had become an unstoppable duo, however, could there be more than mere passion for academia behind it?

Abide by my rules (smut)

Professor Cumberbatch can’t quite stop thinking about the most mediocre and obnoxious student he has ever had to supervise.

The secrets our notes tell (smut)

The reader had always crushed on professor Cumberbatch, the man that treated her without any kindness dripping from his words, clearly signaling his annoyance with the woman. And yet, both are forced to work together, but perhaps he’s the reason for that forming teamwork after all.

Tea and Cologne don’t mix (smut)

Professor Cumberbatch has always admired the reader’s intelligence and as she joins him as his new TA it doesn’t take long for them to give into the pull they feel inside their burning systems.

Professor Tommy Shelby

Drunken Longings and Sober Actions (modern!prof!Tommy, smut)

The reader takes on the position of Professor Shelby's assistant, the man who is also the advisor of her PhD thesis. How long can the two endure to be around one another before they finally give into their longing?

The Book Thief (modern!prof!Tommy, smut)

Professor Shelby is taking his students on a trip, a trip that ends up with his book stolen by the reader – perhaps this is what they’ve needed to finally get closer.

The Vote -Professor!Tommy (smut)

Another vote is coming up, allowing the students to pick their favorite professor. He would always win, leaving her behind on 2nd place, but she’s determined to win this year. But Tommy is determined himself, though not about winning, but about finally pulling her in.

Sharp Like Tybalt’s Blade (Professor Tommy, smut)

Professor Shelby and the reader fuck in his office.

Professor Carlisle Cullen

Ruin Me (prof!Carlisle smut)

Professor Cullen eats the reader out after coming clean with his feelings.

Teaching Assistant (prof!Carlisle smut)

This is basically pwp, the reader helps Carlisle grade some essays and they fuck.

Professor Draco Malfoy

Professor Malfoy (smut)

The reader works as Professor Malfoy's TA, a man she had been crushing on ever since meeting him at Hogwarts all these years ago; but kind of just pwp

Hate Me - Professor x Professor (smut)

(Y/n) had always hated Draco, or at least that’s what she likes to tell herself. But now they have to share a classroom, teaching a lesson together, forcing the two to cooperate.

Darkness Whispers To Us (smut)

Plain porn, they fuck in his classroom

Professor Damon Salvatore / Klaus Mikaelson

Just A Dream - Prof!Klaus x fem!reader x Prof!Damon (smut)

Maybe she shouldn’t have told her friends about the things she’d like to experience with her two hot professors. But maybe it was time for her dream to become real

Professor Loki

On My Mind (professor x student smut)

The reader drunk texts her hot professor - who is awfully delighted by the picture she has messaged him. Perhaps (y/n)’s drunken self didn’t embarrass herself as much as she had feared.

Beautiful like Halley‘s Comet - Prof!Loki (smut)

Professor Laufeyson saves the reader from her ex-boyfriend, followed by some filthy smut in his classroom.

[lavendertom]

You Belong With Me Part 1

katniss everdeen x peeta mellark

modern!AU

wc: 3k

warnings: mentions of death of a parent

tags: some fluff, some moments of angst, modern AU set in high school, childhood best friends, probably a few slightly ooc characters

summary: “from childhood best friends, to school friends, or acquaintances for lack of better words, and now whatever this is.” after being partnered together for a year long senior project, senior year for katniss and peeta is going to be a lot different than either expected.

A/N: winter break is here and i’m bored sooo 🤗 happy to be back for one more story! inspo taken from a few personal experiences, and a city near and dear to me. 🥹 *search up what was filmed in it when you see it ;)* stick around for a second A/N at the end :)

——————————————————————————

“katniss, you’re doing it again.” my best friend madge says in a quiet voice from beside me, startling me out of my (what i thought wasn’t so obvious) gaze.

“no, i wasn’t.” i spit back at her in a whisper, looking back down at the paper in front of me. i tap my pencil ever so lightly on the table as i felt my eyes go right back to where they were just a few second earlier.

really, it isn’t that big of a deal. at least that’s what i’ve been telling myself.

it’s the first week of senior year. finally, just under 200 days, and it’ll all be over. most of us will be off to college studying whatever our hearts desire, some will be home with a job already secured, a few probably married within a year of graduating. it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what everyone will be doing. what i do know is that i am beyond thrilled to move on. or i thought i was.

besides my mom, my sister, and the very few friends i have in this town, there was one thing that kept me from even thinking of applying to some ivy league schools i could definitely get into. one thing that kept me from wanting something more than this itty bitty town called hildebran, located near the mountains of north carolina. one small thing that kept me in the place where everyone knows everyone’s everything. his name was peeta mellark.

i could go on, and on, and on about him. from childhood best friends, to school friends, or acquaintances for lack of better words, and now whatever this is, i’ve known peeta for what feels like my entire life. as much as i want to go and follow my own dreams, something in the back of my mind won’t allow that to happen. all because of him.

“katniss!” i hear madge say again in an even more annoyed tone than before, interrupting my thoughts, “get your head out of your ass. you’re partners with bread boy.”

“what?”

my mind takes a moment to register exactly what she’s said as i look back down at my paper, back up to the board with a list of names projected on the screen. i squint my eyes to find that i am, in fact, partnered with none other than the bread boy himself.

i try not to let out a loud sigh, both out of frustration and relief. i mean, i did say “anyone but delly cartwright” in my head before class had begun. before peeta walked in, completely consuming my every thought.

then the realization truly hits. shit, i’m partners with peeta. before i can think about it any longer, everyone is standing up to move seats and sit by their partners. i look over at the table where peeta sits and i see delly’s stupidly long and beautiful blonde hair get up from the seat next to him. i try not to roll my eyes at it, but i want to so badly. i have no other choice but to gather my own things and move myself to the seat next to peeta.

my legs feel like they’re moving at a snail pace, not necessarily wanting to make the wrong impression again. i’m careful with my actions as i place the bag down next to the table quietly, pulling the chair out slowly, and sitting down without a word. out of all people and all times, it just had to be him and now. i can almost feel his eyes on me as i sit there, silent.

the teacher begins giving extra instructions on the assignment, which is a lengthy project to be completed by the end of the school year with said partner. finally, he ends his spiel of directions, giving us the rest of class to begin our research. this should be a blast, i think to myself, absolutely unamused at this situation.

“so…” i hear a voice mutter next to me, peeta is looking down at the paper in front of him before looking over at me.

“i’ll research topics, you can put together the paper portion, i’ll put together the presentation, you take half the presentation in class, i’ll take the other half, have it all done by spring break?” i say quickly, not meeting his eyes once as i check off all the requirements on my sheet.

“really, katniss.” i hear him say through a sigh.

“what? do you want a good grade or not?” i reply back with a straight face, still avoiding his eyes.

those blue eyes, as if looking into the ocean, they literally captivate you. that’s the only way to describe it. and that’s not the only captivating thing about him, because basically everything about him is.

“fine.” he says with an annoyed tone.

i continue beginning my work, a good distraction from the real distraction next to me. before i know it, the bell is ringing and everyone is packing their things to go to the next class period. i notice out of the corner of my eye delly making her way back over here and i begin packing my things quicker.

“if you need anything – any help – just text me. you still have my number.” i hear peeta say as he puts his things away.

“thank-“ i begin saying as i finally look up in an attempt to meet his eyes, but i’m just met with the view of his back, walking out of the classroom door, delly’s little frame next to his.

nice one, katniss.

***

“we’re going to learn how to give CPR this year!” prim shouts to mom as we walk into the house, the 3rd day of school officially done. one little freshman and one not-so-little anymore senior.

“that’s great, prim.” mom gives a half attempted smile to the girl, pulling her into a quick embrace.

i give mom as best a smile i can give when i cross paths with her, looking around for anything to eat. mom’s in her nursing gear ready for her 12 hour shift tonight.

“there’s rolls on the dinner table.” she says in an almost nervous voice.

“mhm.” is all i can mutter out before i see the bag on the table, the words ‘mellark bakery’ plastered on the front. i look at them briefly, insanely tempted to eat one. do i give in or hold my ground? i shake my head just slightly before running upstairs to my room.

i throw my backpack down next to my desk with a louder than intended thud. i almost throw myself onto my desk chair and let out a sigh. i hear the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. a quiet knock graces my door as i prepare to open it.

“what?” i say in an almost annoyed tone, not on purpose.

“you and prim behave, okay?” mom says, but i see right through this ploy.

“what do you want?” i say unconvinced of her previous comment, as i turn my body to face her.

“you do know who dropped off those rolls, right?”

“y-yeah. rian, probably.” i say, stuttering as she’s bringing up all of this.

“no, peeta did.” she says in her most serious tone, as if she’s angry at me.

“okay.” i say softly before turning around in my chair to pick at the stickers stuck on my desk since i was a kid.

“katniss, just apologize already.” mom says softly.

“no.” i say, probably a little too loud for my moms liking. but she doesn’t yell.

“okay,” she says in her same soft tone as if she’s given up yet again, “i’ll see you tomorrow, i love you catnip.”

“love you too.” i mumble as i put my head down on my desk.

i hear the door quietly shut and i lift my head up. my eyes, against my will, go up to the collection of photos which are plastered on the wall in front of me. all of my best memories since middle school till now, all on display. as much as i scan the photos, hoping to see a different face, they’re almost all of him. him and i, when things were normal. before i screwed it all up. one specific photo grabs my attention, it’s from thanksgiving of freshman year.

~

the loud sounds of voices chatting, the young ones screaming as they play fortnite on the tv, and the smell of the best food you’ll ever eat fills the rooms of our house. we usually never host thanksgiving, but my mother had enough of it and basically forced everyone over our house. i was beyond excited because peeta, my best friend, was gonna be over.

our family has been friends with the mellarks since i was very young. the name is very well known in our little town. their family owned the bakery in town which has been a staple in every home since way back when. they’ve always been there for anyone and everyone who needs help. our family was no exception.

when my father died i was only 5, which is when everyone began stepping in. our family was already struggling before he passed away. his death was the final straw. the one family who made more of a difference than anyone else was peeta’s. his father knew my mother when they were kids, but grew apart when my mother married my father and peeta’s father married his mother. they were always at our house, or us at theirs, during the most difficult times after his death. holidays, birthdays, and everything were spent together. peeta became my best friend and i was always with him and his brothers, especially since prim was just a baby.

as i got up off the couch to escape the noisy kids from their game of fortnite, i tried to find peeta, who was nowhere to be found. i walked towards the back porch, the sliding door slightly cracked open to cool down the insanely warm house. i sauinted my eyes to make out that peeta had gone outside, sitting on the porch.

i slowly opened the door as quiet as i could in an attempt to run behind him and scare him. but he was 2 steps ahead of me because as soon as my foot touched the creaky wooden boards of the porch, he turned around, giving me one of his small smiles.

“what’re you doing out here?” i ask softly as i take a seat next to him. “it’s cold out here.”

“just needed a break from all of that.” he said as his head pointed to the door behind us.

“screaming at fortnite with the little ones isn’t calling your name?” i say with a small laugh.

“absolutely not.” he says chuckling.

there is just a slight breeze in the air, blowing the little strands of hair around my face into a mess, my braid still neatly in place. i turn my head just enough to look at him. the wind also just slightly blowing his blonde hair which he had grown out to an unruly length over the summer and had yet to cut it.

“how’s school been?” i ask softly. it’s no secret that we haven’t seen each other as much as we’ve used to. different classes, extracurriculars, now he’s working at the bakery more than ever before, it’s kind of hard to hang out anymore. plus, even though we’ve been friends since we were children, now we’re at that age where people find it crazy that a girl and boy can be ‘just friends’.

“pretty good.” he says with a satisfied smile, which brings my lips into a small smile too. “actually, i forgot to tell you, i made the wrestling team.”

“no way!” i say as my eyes go wide, the smile on my face growing bigger. “congratulations, that’s really great.”

“thanks.” he says with a sheepish smile, i could see the slight hint of red on his face.

“just in time to take over rian’s reign, huh?”

“yeah, but i’m sure that’s the only reason i actually got on the team.” he says looking down at his shoes. “they knew him leaving for college next fall was gonna leave an empty space. the name probably holds more meaning to them than anything else.”

“i highly doubt that.” i roll my eyes. “you’re one of the strongest people i know, and you’re just a freshman. not very many freshman look like you, peeta.”

i wasn’t wrong, if you put the freshman class in a room, you could pick him out immediately because of how he looked and how he towered over everyone else. he could easily pass as a junior, significantly bigger than basically all of the freshman.

“katniss, stop.” he said chuckling, his shoulder playfully bumping into mine.

and it was these little moments that started making me feel awkward around him. you’d think after basically 10 years of friendship that we’d be comfortable with each other, but things were changing. at least for me.

i hated that it had to be me that started feeling this way. i used to look at peeta and think about how lucky i was to have a best friend who’s perfect in every way possible. now i look at him thinking that and more. i started to see him in a “more than a friend” way. i was falling faster than i wanted, and i never knew if i’d be able to tell him. i didn’t want to ruin an amazing friendship over the slight chance it could be something more.

i was brought back to reality at the sound of the door sliding open behind us. we both look behind us, my eyes meeting my mother’s.

“what are you guys doing out here?” she asks, just a hint of suspicion in her voice.

“i just needed to take a break from everything going on inside.” peeta says almost immediately (as if he were stopping me from making up some dumb excuse), putting on that one charming smile he does around adults.

“oh boy, sorry about that.” my mom says with a concerned look on her face. it was no secret she treated peeta as one of her own, if not more nicely than one of her own. she knew how his mother was, sometimes she had to be the motherly figure he never truly had. “take all the time you need.”

“thank you.” he says, that stupid smile on his face still. why do i love that smile so much?

“actually, do you two mind if i grab a photo of you guys?” my mom asks quickly, holding a camera while giving an awkward smile, knowing i’ll object.

“really mom, come on-“ i say throwing my head back, extremely embarrassed.

“that’s more than fine, come on katniss.” peeta says happily.

before i object again, i feel peeta’s hand on my waist as he turns his body to completely face my mom, turning me too in the process as he pulled me in by his side. my relatively small body compared to his makes it easy for him to turn me around like i’m nothing. it’s really hard to ignore the feeling of his hand holding me like this.

i give as best of a genuine smile that i can, my mom snapping the photo.

“very cute guys.” she says, a huge smile on her face as she walks back inside. i feel my face start getting warm realizing i cannot hide this reaction to whatever just happened.

“let’s go back inside now.” peeta says as he stands up, holding out a hand to help me stand up. of course, my mind overthinks about the whole gesture, but as quickly as the thought enters my mind it leaves. it’s just how he is. in a world of boys, he’s a gentleman.

i take his hand and stand up, brushing off the chipped paint from the wood beneath me from the uncomfortable skirt that mom made me wear.

he looks at me for a moment, a curious look on his face.

“when are you gonna stop wearing those stupid braids?” he says with a smirk.

“shut up.” i elbow him right in his side with a laugh.

“it doesn’t look bad!” he says laughing in an attempt to save himself from another elbow jab. “it’s just… your hair looks nice when it’s down, too.”

for a brief moment, it looks almost as if he’s going to reach out and touch the very end of the braid. until he looks over to his right, like he remembers the house full of people that could be watching us out here.

“we should probably go inside now.” i say in almost a whisper, not acknowledging his previous comment, but my heart is almost beating out of my chest.

“yeah.” he says with a smile, both walking back to the door.

~

i hold the photo in my hands, remembering the whole situation with such detail. the whole situation before everything went south. i aggressively pin it back up on the wall wishing so desperately i hadn’t ruined everything.

——————————————————————————

A/N: first order of business, tag list! if you would like to be added to the jules jewels tag list for this fic comment down below letting me know :) second order of business, i don’t actually live in NC, so if things aren’t exactly true to NC fashion i apologize!

and if you still want to know, hildebran NC is where the scenes in district 12 were filmed! i wont bore you all with that info today tho, but maybe every future part i’ll add a few other things about this part of NC relating to THG :)

[sugakookie127]

Sooooo….. I’m a bit lost. I’ve been getting ON and OFF track a lot these days. I can say for a fact that I’ve been letting the 3d show me what I really have instead of going into imagination and know that THATS where the FACTS are🤦🏽‍♀️ I’m not sure why I’ve been struggling so much but this doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I just think I’m lost even tho I’m not🤦🏽‍♀️ like- now all of a sudden I’m out here forgetting HOW to manifest? Like… the ACTUAL steps💀 like I really gotta sit here and tell myself or my ego to actually STFU🤦🏽‍♀️cus why are u acting like you’re new to this? You already KNOW everything so why is it so hard to apply? It’s bcs I’m still seeing the 3d as facts instead of knowing that IM god and I control what the input and the output is. I hate seeing what I see in the 3d but it’s like now, I feel like I can’t even enjoy IMAGINING my desires😭 I’m most likely making this much harder for me, I know but I just don’t know what to do rn. Obviously I’ll keep going but I’ll definitely need to listen to calm music and remind myself that I’m in control while scrolling on Pinterest. I think the other main thing that’s throwing me off is the fact that I haven’t actually MANIFESTED anything that I truly desired? Or haven’t been conscious of it? Idk but I’ve been trying to throw that out of my mind😮‍💨 anyways, I just came in here to say this and let the ppl who are aware of my journey know that I’m still here and will still BE here.

[tamelee]

hi tamelee!

I'm here to ask for a little bit of advice if that's okay (: about a month ago I bought a Wacom drawing pad so I could start experimenting with digital art. artists like you here on tumblr have really inspired me to start making art. but I feel kinda.. lost. I've been mostly drawing naruto manga caps and I'm getting better but I guess I don't know where to go from here. coloring and shading scares me lol. I'm using clip studio paint and it's just a little.. intimidating. I feel discouraged, like I won't be able to do it. how did you do it tamelee? did you watch a lot of tutorials, or did you experiment until you figured things out? any advice you'd have for a beginner artist I'd really appreciate.

thank you veryvery much for your time ^^

Hi Nonee! 🧡 Sure!

Oh I think that’s a very good place to start. As well as drawing subjects you like ^^! Hmm, tbh I’ve just experimented a lot, but I don’t think my way of having done things was the most efficient. You might want to follow tutorials step by step? You can try coloring only with flat colors until you feel a bit more confident with that as well as cell-shading (toon-shading/non-realistic, like in anime) instead of rendering further as that can all be confusing at first. I personally never truly understood shading until I studied cell-shading and made my art a lot more readable. A lot of Anime uses this; 

You see how there is a base color, a darker color for shadows and highlights? (Sometimes not even highlights.) 

When you start to study it from existing work you’ll start to notice things like color always being in the same area of saturation and when you suddenly have a color that is way more saturated than the other it can look off. (See example.) But this is a guideline, not a rule. In your own art you can especially use saturation and brightness to help aid you to direct a viewer's focus and even tell a story.

I LOVE ‘How to train you dragon’ and ‘Kung Fu Panda’ for this because their coloring is so inspiring and if you truly want to learn from professionals... well those are the type of media to look for of course! I have an entire folder to inspire me just based on those.

Do you see how calculated those color combo’s are?!?! Here you see both analogous and complementary schemes and it is actually through looking at the things I like that I learned it >< The orangey colors stand out and are bright which helps you to focus on that area whereas the complimentary scheme is used to bring characters together.

If drawing Manga-caps is something you love to do, then maybe for coloring you can study screen-caps from Anime or even other animated films. I’d recommend to take it step by step, though I haven’t really applied it myself, from the video’s I’ve seen and artists I’ve followed it is always advised to have an art-goal that you can work toward. Maybe you first want to focus on lineart and then laying down a base color where the colors are harmonious and next would be cell-shading maybe and then you can start adding another light-source etc- eventually you can decide to create more depth or practice with monochromatic coloring, maybe even greyscale to learn values. But right away that can all sound a bit intimidating doesn't it? Find things that you like and then maybe you can open them in your program and just study. Find a brush you like, put on some music or a show on the background and for a moment play around with it without needing to create a finished piece. This is also how I learned how things like adjustment layers work or what all the different kinds of tools do. I have to agree with you, CSP is intimidating for me as well >< so this is kinda how I approach it as there are so many add-ons and additions within it but I try to only learn what I need for that moment so I don't overwhelm myself.  I definitely try to find video’s that can help me with creating Manga though! ^^ There are plenty!  It'll get easier eventually, you'll learn the program and you start to recognize placements for shadows and you will get a feel for the coloring- no worries 💪 Learning something new will always stay intimidating, every time I open up a new document I feel it too. It's not easy at all, but you kinda have to allow yourself to experiment and even make mistakes because practice is never perfect. I have some beginner tips written here- I hope any of this is somewhat helpful 🌷🫶

[adventures-in-a-world-of-fiction]

I’ve had a YouTube channel for nearly two decades. The first video I ever posted was in 2006. It was a Power Rangers fanvid and while it’s not the worst video ever created, it’s definitely not the best. It was a weird choice of song (Spirit of Man from War of the Worlds) and some of the clips are badly trimmed so there’s a frame or two of the next scene/shot at the start or end in a few places.

Since then, I’ve made a bunch of other videos, music videos for shows or fake trailers for some of my fanfics (many of those fics were posted on sites that no longer exist). I don’t post often these days, but every once in a while I’ll get struck with the urge to make a fanvid for a film or TV show that I like. Recently, it’s been The Sandman and the Dreamling ship in particular.

In all this time, my YouTube channel has never been monetised. When I first started the channel, that wasn’t even an option, as YouTube monetisation wasn’t a thing on the platform until December 2007, the year after I posted my first video, and even then, I don’t think it was available for anyone to apply to once they hit certain thresholds the way it is today.

So yeah, when I started, it wouldn’t have occurred to me to monetise my channel. Then I had a real world job and my video creation dropped off and in recent years, I haven’t met the monetisation thresholds, so it hasn’t been an option and I haven’t given it much thought. After all, I didn’t start making silly little fanvids expecting to make money from them, and most of them would be demonetised anyway because of the use of copyrighted material.

But recently I checked my analytics out of curiosity and I’m within reach of those monetisation thresholds. I got a load more views than usual around October and November last year for no reason I can see. There’s an obvious bump in the watch time analytics for a couple of months before it drops down to my usual trickle of views. I’ve no idea why it happened or why it stopped, but it was enough of a bump that I’m now at 3997 hours of watch time for the past year, with the monetisation threshold being 4000 hours.

Given how close I am, it feels like I should try to push to meet the eligibility criteria and apply for the YouTube partner programme, just so that it’s an option for me if I want it. And I clearly need to do it in the next few months, because I don’t expect to replicate that spike in views from October. But over the next month or two, getting 3 more hours of watch time than I got in the same time period last year feels like a realistic thing to achieve, even if almost all of my videos are under 5 minutes long.

Especially if I actually tell people that I have YouTube videos. So here I am, telling people. If you enjoy fan made music videos, please consider giving some of mine a watch.

Here are a few of them:

Ranger Spirit, the first ever video I ever posted on my YouTube channel, made in Windows Movie Maker, with all of the mistakes and badly trimmed shots:

One of my recent videos, Meet Me On The Battlefield, for The Sandman fandom:

Sticking with Neil Gaiman for the time being, an ineffable husbands video for Good Omens season 2, What Hurts the Most:

The video that got the most views during that weird spike in my analytics, I Don’t Deserve You for the show White Collar, focusing on the relationship between Peter, Neal and Elizabeth:

And for a silly challenge I gave myself, I tried to use footage from Dirk Gently’s season two to create a trailer that looked like a serious fantasy film. That was not easy, given how ridiculous the armies looked:

My channel has absolutely no consistency in terms of what I post. I will make videos for whatever happens to grab my attention at the time, so across the lifespan of my channel I have fanvids for Yuri on Ice, the MCU, Teen Wolf, Charmed, Voltron, The Chronicles of Narnia (both the old BBC TV show and the films), Doctor Who (and spin offs), X-Men, Kamen Rider Dragon Knight, The Sentinel, The Tribe, and more Power Rangers than feels comfortable now given my age. If any of those grab your attention, please take a watch and help me hit that 4000 hours threshold.

[garciaasfluffypen]

bright beginnings pt 2.

its what brings you closer to those around you, you know? the chaos of everything, the timing... it’s never perfect, but the universe knows what it’s doing, and i’m so glad the universe led me here.  

pairing: single dad!joseph quinn x fem!reader  wc:  1.7k warnings: this is literally pure fluff, probably one of the more fluffier things i’ve written in a while (: 

part one • part three 

oh no. he’s hot. 

that had been your only thought for approximately the last ten minutes as you sat with some of the kids during snack time, trying your best to not think about the fact that your boss was hot and you only wanted to do things that were not professional with him. you’d most definitely have to talk to your cousin about it later. pushing those thoughts to the back of your mind, you put your attention back on the kids and made sure to give all your time to them, stopping for the day when the last kid -minus thomas, now that you knew his dad was the boss- left for the day. thomas was chilling with you at the front desk when mr. qui- joe walked out, a bit more unruly than he looked earlier that afternoon. thomas automatically perked up in your arms as he saw his dad, reaching out excitedly and babbling as he got closer.

“how was he today?”

“a perfect angel. his temperature has been normal all day, and he played amazingly with leah and stanley in the ballpit earlier.” donna smiled. “quite a brilliant boy, this one.”

“oh, i’m glad to hear. you were a good boy today, huh tommy?”

your heart absolutely swelled as you watched joe lightly scratch thomas’ chest.

“can i ask how riley is doing?”

“she’s been asleep for a few hours now, i actually was going to ask if i could borrow the thermometer so i could check her temperature again.”

“no, of course, be my guest.” you reached around the desk to grab the thermometer. “we also have-”

“tylenol, yes, i ordered it the other day.” joe smirked. “which reminds me, if you lot ever need anything please don't hesitate to come ask me about it. my office is just down the hall.”

“wait wait wait. you’re our new boss?”

“the one and only.” joe chuckled. “as i was telling y/n earlier, i had planned to introduce myself but i got the daycare in the midst of a divorce. so i’ve been holed up in my office dealing with paperwork and stuff for that.” he sighed as thomas patted his face. “but, i should have filed the last of it as of ten minutes ago, so hopefully i’ll be able to be more involved.”

lucille cleared her throat. “can i ask how you got the daycare?”

“yeah, so john, the previous owner, he’s a good family friend of my ex. when julia and i started dating, i had just applied to work here as the front desk guy, and soon as he found out i was dating julia it was an automatic hire. ‘any friend of julia is a friend of mine!’ he would say. anyway, after he announced his plans to retire i was one of the first people he reached out to to ask if i could take over.”

oh, so her name was julia. not that it mattered.

“has he found out?”

“about the divorce? by now, probably.” he shrugged. “it’s no big deal though, he left me with a great staff.”

“well i’m glad to hear you think we’re amazing.” donna smiled. “but i have to start heading out for the night, my pup is at daycare herself and the owners close shop at seven thirty.”

“ah yes, don’t let us keep you!” joe seemed to turn back into parent mode within seconds. “i’ll just take thomas back to the office where riley is, and let you guys close up. don’t worry about locking up when you leave, i’ll leave after you guys.”

with that, you all split up into your typical closing positions for the night, each of you cleaning a certain section of the daycare. john had it set up that way so it was time effective, rather than having everyone clean the same area. it always went faster when multiple people were cleaning as well. everything was properly sanitized and put away by seven fifteen, leaving you and the girls in the lobby gathering your things.

“do you want to head out for a drink?” lucille looked between you and lauren.

“i would, but i promised my aunt i’d be home for dinner.” you smiled. “and i have a few chores and stuff i need to do.”

“you wanna raincheck? what about friday instead?”

“i think that might be best, then we can invite donna and the other girls as well.”

seeing as the daycare had a pretty small staff, with four in the morning and four in the afternoons, you became pretty close with everyone quickly. you weren’t quite sure how the daycare actually made it's money, considering how small it was, but it was up and running and that’s all that seemed to matter to joe. yes, there were some small repairs that needed to be done, but none that someone who had a good handiness skill couldn’t fix so they didn’t have to call anyone in. and besides, the staff needed to focus on the kids and their well beings, not the silly little problems the old london building had.

you said goodbye to the girls and ran off to the bathroom real fast, which happened to be across the hall from joe’s office. you did your business as quick as you possibly could, hoping to make it out before him so you didn’t get locked in the center. it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but you did want to get home so you could talk to your cousin right away. it was one of the plus sides to living with your aunt, seeing as you could walk right across the hall to your cousin and spill all the tea in the world instead of waiting for a socially acceptable time to call her. you and your cousin have been best friends since you could walk, and did your best to stay in touch when you and your parents moved to america back when you were two. you turned twenty one and decided on a whim to pack up all your stuff and move back to london, where your aunt welcomed you in with open arms. as much as you loved living in america, it was such a shit show and the healthcare was horrible. your heart was in london, tucked away in the little flat your aunt and cousin lived in. while you still kept in touch with your parents, it was hard to only see them in person every few months, but you were saving up to surprise them over the summer and spend two weeks with them. they had recently moved to new orleans for your dads work, and you had been dying to explore there since you were a kid. it was only fair that you do that exploring with your parents by your side.

you were jostled out of your thoughts when you walked out of the bathroom to see joe struggling to carry not only the twins, but a folder of papers and the diaper bag. he locked eyes with you and visibly relaxed, glad to see someone was still here.

“y/n, a lovely-”

“do you-” you cut yourself off. “sorry, you first.”

joe chuckled. “i’m not saying anything until you go first.”

“then we’ll be here a while.” you joked effortlessly. “or until one of them wakes up.”

“they sleep through the night, so we will indeed be here for a while.”

there was a small moment of silence. “do you want some help? i was just about to head out.”

“if you wouldn’t mind, that would be fantastic.”

joe maneuvered himself so you could grab the diaper bag, as well as the folder he was holding. he re adjusted the twins in his arms, both of them having fallen asleep on a shoulder. the two of you walked into the front lobby, shutting off the lights as you went. as you held the door open for him, you couldn’t help but tell how tired he looked, and a pang of sadness flew through your body. you couldn’t begin to imagine how much he had been through in the past few months, with getting full ownership of the daycare plus the divorce on top of having twins. you watched as he expertly locked up shop with the two kids in his arms, his head tilting you in the direction of the car park he usually parked in. the walk was pretty quick, and you found yourself helping him get the twins into the car within a few minutes of leaving the center.

“thank you for your help, y/n, i don’t know how i would have been able to do that myself.”

“it’s no problem-”

joe let out a dramatic groan. “oh not you too. i absolutely hate it when people say that.”

“well it really isn’t-”

“ah ah. nope. don’t say it. i will kick your ass if you do.”

“i’d like to see you try, mr. i wear designer suits to work.” you smirked. “you probably couldn’t even catch up to me, i had the fastest mile in high school.”

a chuckle. “you’re feisty, no wonder john liked you.”

“my parents didn’t call me a spitfire for nothing.” you shrugged.

joe smiled. “it most definitely suits you.”

“well, if you don’t need anything else i best be going, my aunt’s going to wonder where i am.”

“yes, of course, i probably should get these two home in bed as well. have a good night, y/n.”

“you too.” you made it approximately five steps before you turned around to face him, walking backwards as you talked. “the girls and i are going out for drinks on friday if you’d like to join.” you paused for a split second. “if you can find a sitter, i mean. don’t feel like you have to either i-”

“i’d love to. text me the deets?”

“i don’t have your number. and never say deets again, for the sake of everyone's sanity.”

“i’ll have a sticky note in your cubicle in the morning. get some rest!”

“you too! see you tomorrow.”

as you walked away, it hit you. oh my god, was he flirting with me?

[nightcolorz]

i’m late but for the ask game: armand 6, 8, 25

YIPPIE!! Thank u sm for sending this, I’ve been pretty severely injured lately and I woke up feeling so shit and sad, so getting this notif absolutely made my day. Armand !!! He is my favorite character in anything ever. I have literally never been so insane about a guy before. U picked some great questions so I’m super excited about this.

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

I identify strongly with Armand for a lot of weird little reasons. I think the root of it is transgender and autism stuff if I’m honest 😭 Im going to try not to get tooo personal 👍👍 but I will let’s be honest, I will get personal. I can relate to being fetishized and characterized for my sort of androgynous/pretty/boyish appearance while I feel like how I look doesn’t truly reflect who I am as a person. I definitely get the struggle of being demeaned and treated like a child bcus of the juvenile ish appearance transitioning can give you. I also can relate to being demeaned and treated like a child because of my social awkwardness (due to autism) that causes many ppl to assume I’m unintelligent or immature, need to be treated gently or talked to slowly, etc. I see these parts of myself reflected in Armand ofc in different more vampiric ways, and having a character who is infantilized and talked down to while also fetishized and sexually exploited for a perceived innocence that isn’t reflective of who he really is at all, a guy who is also very strange and awkward and doesn’t act right, who is also simultaneously very bad ass (imo lmao) in his shamelessness and his overtly violent and freak of nature attitude, is weirdly very validating and empowering for me, lmao. He is like the weak shameful parts of myself if the weak shameful parts of myself had teeth. 👍👍👍 Yeah 😁😁😁😁 Armand 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

lmfaooo, I’m so happy u picked this one bcus I love complaining and being a hater 😍 I am sorry in advance if I say anything that ruffles any bodies feathers, just bcus I don’t like these things ppl do doesn’t mean I don’t like the ppl who do them, y’all do u I’m not stopping u. Anyways.

I don’t enjoy how a handful of amc exclusive fans characterize Armand, because you can tell they rlly only understand him based on Wikipedia reads and his brief appearance in the show so far, which results in this sort of glaring simplification of his character in fan content. This wouldn’t rlly bother me if not for how prevalent it is 😭 like it’s genuinely difficult for me to find interesting and in character fanfic about Armand bcus so much of it is uniformed. The amc fandom sort of dominates the tvc fandom, it’s just so big. I don’t like when Armand is reduced to Louis’s new scary hot boyfriend/Lestat replacement/potential villain. It feels like he’s often perceived through this lens of a role in the story, like “hm this guy seems like a potential villain”, “no I think he’s a new love interest”, which is a conversation I find no appeal in at all considering you can’t fit the Armand I love into any of these narrative boxes. This isn’t rlly smth I have personal beef with bcus there’s no harm in fans of the show characterizing armand based on there limited knowledge while they wait for the next season, but for me it’s a pet peeve you know, as someone who rlly rlly likes armand a lot 😭.

(This is the exception to my no hate to u if u do this disclaimer btw, all the hate to u). on the subject of amc fans, I also often see this hostility towards fans of book Armand, where I’ll see amc fans talking about how perverse he is conceptually in the books and how gross ppl who like him are, which REALLY makes me very mad, because ok. Listen. Show armand is not a character yet, any and all things you enjoy about armand as of now as someone who hasn’t read the books are 1. How he looks. And 2. Things from the books that you apply to him in a new context. Assad’s performance, the people working on the show, the writers, everything that you base your enjoyment of armand in, is from the books 😭 But god forbid someone enjoy the source material over the hypothetical character who barely exists yet? God forbid someone do the same thing u do (take smth arguably morally dubious and interpret it in a way that u find interesting and compelling while acknowledging the morally dubious source material) just not in the context of an adaption. Ok. God forbid I enjoy and identify with an adult character trapped in the body of a child who is misperceived for his youth and sexually abused, it’s not like this is the same concept of beloved amc Claudia anyway. It’s also not like I am capable of enjoying something while criticizing it and disliking it’s flaws, and coming to conclusions based on critical thinking and analysis of concepts that may have been executed poorly, that I still admire and enjoy, bcus I am capable of complex thinking, and I don’t need to blindly enjoy every part of smth and perceive it as flawless to enjoy it. We all know that’s fake ! Anyways sorry for the angry rant 😭😭😭 moving on.

On a separate note, I also sometimes have beef with how fellow book armand fans portray him. This is small and sort of petty but it bothers me when Armand is drawn as like, very small and skinny. Maybe it’s bcus I head canon him as chubby and sort of cherub-built, maybe it’s bcus in TVA armand describes himself as strong in build and “not waif-ish”, but either or it does feel sort of wrong and off putting when I see Armand drawn as like, so small and petite that it’s emphasized. To me this reads as a missing of the point, if you will. An emphasis on physical qualities representative of innocence and youth that aren’t reflective of Armand’s character, only rlly how some other characters see him. I can often tell when an Armand fan enjoys him for the superficial qualities (eternally young, angelic looking, etc) over who he is, and it always encourages me to steer clear. I hope I’m making sense lol. This is also sometime present in fic but it’s more subtle and difficult to describe. Anyways

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

I was thinking about this yesterday! I was first introduced to Armand when I was maybe 11 or 12, my dad put on 94 interview with the vampire for me and my twin sister while he did work around the house etc. he started watching it with us (he loves 94 iwtv) but by the time Armand showed up at the half way point he got up and started doing other things, so my sister and I were alone in front of the screen. For some reason lost to time my sister and I were very excited about seeing Antonio Banderas, maybe because we knew him from Zorro, so in the aftermath of the buffoon scene with Santiago that we found really funny, when Antonio Banderas appeared on screen we were hyped tf up. We were so enthralled in the moment of his cunty ass entrance we started cheering and clapping and screaming 😭 I think shrieking ARMANNNDDD!!!! At the screen (with no knowledge of who armand even was) Till I started laughing to tears is in my top ten formative moments. My first viewing of iwtv was just like that 😭 there was smth in the water that had my sister and I loosing our fucking minds with excitement over that movie. Anyways, I only immersed myself into the fandom and got rlly into tvc just last year, when I read interview with the vampire (smth that’s always been in the back of my mind since my first viewing, I really did love that movie) and then the rest of tvc. When I was reading interview with the vampire I had that subconscious excitement over Armand’s half way point appearance brewing from the get go (every time my sister and I have watched iwtv together since we were 12 we’ve done the same screaming at the screen ritual for armand) so when I was re introduced to him I was instantly attached to him. I very quickly discovered how much I was enthralled by this guy, like by his first appearance and description it went from a weird little nostalgic affection to a “omfg I feel many inexplicably strong feelings for this guy”. He was just so magnetic and weird, I was intrigued by every thing about him, like Louis lol. I started drawing him a bunch b4 I’d even finished the first book, and by the time I was introduced to him in tvl he was my favorite character. Tvl really solidified my armand obsession, and queen of the damned made me the person I am today 😭 insane. I think my impression of him now should be obvious at this point 😔 he is my silliest guy every morning I wake up and he is the first thought in my mind I cry about him daily I worship him like he’s my god sometimes I see a blender and I am so overwhelmed with emotion I want to scream if a professional looked into my brain and saw all the armand in there they’d diagnose me with super mega autism. I like him a lot. 🫶

Thank you sm for sending this ask once again! I’m sorry it’s so long lol, hope my responses were interesting. This is the ask game in question for anyone who may potentially want to send me more asks: https://www.tumblr.com/nightcolorz/734243514562510848?source=share I would cry with joy if so.

[everythingsf1ne23]

𝐒𝐡𝐞’𝐬 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐈 𝐖𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐁𝐞 (𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟑) | 

𝘔𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘦𝘭 𝘒𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘢 & 𝘞𝘢𝘺𝘯𝘦 𝘔𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘨𝘢𝘯

𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 🎀💕:

@yarrystyleeza If you want to be added check out my pinned post! 

𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬 💌:

My goal is to be more productive in terms of writing this week ‘cause I’ve been lacking with the fics and also enjoy Michael’s pov at the end my lovelies ~Jess

𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 📝:

in which, Molly takes her shopping but she is spotted which is a shock as she is believed to have died 

𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳’𝘴 𝘗𝘰𝘷:

I pose in the mirror after I apply my makeup but then I laugh, 

“oh gosh” I say to myself realising that I’ve probably put too much blush on 

but you can never have too much blush right?

I have my hair in a ponytail which is unusual as I love it done but I wanna be different for once,

My phone buzzes and I check it to see that Molly is on her way to pick me up for our shopping trip, 

I hear a whistle behind me 

so I turn to see Wayne,

“You’re looking absolutely stunning as you always do” I feel my cheeks turning red and with my blush, I probably look like a tomato 

“Aww thank you!” I get up off the chair at my vanity and I give him a hug

“You make me the happiest” I tell Wayne as he holds me tightly in the hug 

“I’m glad that I do and I’m definitely the happiest when I’m around you, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me”

I hear a car beeping and I look out the window to see Molly’s car 

“I better go otherwise Molly will probably leave without me” I smile at Wayne and he smiles back 

“Well enjoy yourself my love”

I give him a quick kiss then I grab my leather jacket along with my handbag 

“I will, see you later, I love you” 

I shut the front door behind me and I get into the passenger’s seat of Molly’s car 

“You two must be so loved up, I was almost thinking that you weren’t coming with me” 

“Of course I was still coming with you, I always enjoy our shopping trips and we really are, Wayne is honestly my everything” 

“You seem so much brighter and that’s so lovely to see” 

“How are things going with Michael?” 

“Things are really good with us” 

Soon enough we arrive at the shopping centre, some of the shops weren’t our style so we didn’t bother going into them, 

I pick out a white corset top and I pair it with bright orange pants 

I’ve been loving colour recently so I’ve been trying to bring them into all my outfits,

I decide that I need Molly’s opinion as she has great fashion sense,

“Molly what do you think?”

“It’s certainly your style, you should definitely get them” 

Afterwards we walk into a more expensive, boutique aesthetic shop 

Molly looks at the blue summer dress 

“That’s nice isn’t it?” she asks me and I nod in agreement 

“Ooh yes it’s lovely”

Molly notices the price tag 

“Well it’s very expensive especially for our pharmacist wages, we should probably be getting more for what we do”

“Yeah I definitely can agree on that one, when I was being a dj at concerts for some friends I was getting more money” 

“You were a dj? Teach me how to do it please!”

“Of course I will and yeah when I left for America last year, I decided to do something different with my life” 

“Stop that’s actually super cool, we should have a party so you can show off your dj skills” Molly giggles and I smile at her

“I’d love that, I haven’t done it in so long”

I notice some skirts in the corner of my eye so I walk quickly over 

“I haven’t bought a new skirt in so long” 

I think to myself and I look through the rack of skirts, some were mini and other were long 

I observe a cute long green flower patterned skirt but once I see the price tag I realise that I should probably leave it there,

Suddenly I have the feeling that someone’s watching me so I turn slightly and I notice that it is Viking sitting down on a small couch with his phone in his hands, 

Does he know that it’s me? I ask myself but then Molly comes over to me

“Let’s go see some other shops” she links arms with me and leads us out of the boutique. 

𝘔𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘦𝘭’𝘴 𝘗𝘰𝘷:

I’m currently at Amanda and Jimmy’s house as Eric apparently has something important to tell us,

“What do you think this is about?” 

I ask Amanda,

“I honestly don’t know, sure it could be about anything knowing Viking”

The front door bursts open which the three of us can only assume that it’s him

“You’ll never guess who I saw today when I was out shopping with Nikki”

Viking tells us and he is clearly in a grumpy mood as usual with him lately,

“Well no need to keep us in suspense, 

who was it?” 

“You know Moore’s cousin the one who helped him set up the shooting that killed Jamie, the one who is supposed to be dead”

“You’re actually joking right?” Amanda asks him

“Of course I’m not fucking joking, 

look there’s a photo of her”

I look and I notice that it is Molly’s friend who works with her in the pharmacy, I say nothing as I know that she’s a good person according to Molly.

“She must be really sneaky if she pulled that off, I wonder where she went” Jimmy remarks and Viking speaks up again

“I heard her speaking to her friend and apparently she was being a dj in America, I’ve done some digging and I found her new Instagram and everything” 

Viking passes his phone around once again, I could see her photos and videos with the same people, must be her friends.

“According to her Instagram, she has been in America, Europe and Asia touring with her friends at their concerts, there was even concerts here in Dublin” 

“Jesus you’ve found out a lot of information” Amanda responds 

“Nikki helped me too so I can’t take all the credit, but she could possibly be a threat so we should keep an eye on her”

I know that she is Molly’s closest friend so I can’t let anyone in the family hurt her whether she is a threat or not, I know that she means a lot to Molly so I’ll have to protect them both,

Viking turns to leave but then he turns back 

“Oh and also Wayne Madigan is following her too, so she must know him as well”

“We’re dealing with him right now so I’m sure that they’re not planning anything together” I tell him 

“If you say so Michael”

“I know so!”, I respond and then Viking finally leaves which means that I can also go home.