#despite how much more refined and evolved i know i am now

[payasitas]

took 30pts of psychic damage today in visiting my old online stomping grounds

[essaygraveyard]

Am I Old???

2023 has certainly been a year. Honestly, it doesn't have much of a right to be causing the amount of introspection as it has been based on my own life and yet it's found a way. Granted some of that is from world events, it's hard not to have to take a look back on your actions, no matter how passive, when it has become undeniable that absolutely every system you participate in is endorsing genocide. Outside of that though I can't help but feel alienated from a lot of things that I used to help use to define my identity.

I didn't buy a single game on steam this year. The only console game I bought was Tears of the Kingdom which honestly, I don't know if that counts as its own game. I did go to see my fair share of movies this year, which is markedly up from the previous few years, but I didn't engage with them quite as in depth as I used to with other films. I started playing Runescape again, and that briefly sparked some retrospection before falling into something of an obligation. The main shift in my media diets where that I started watching One Piece and that I've been playing significantly more Ttrpgs. My writing for so long has been fueled by consumption for so long that now that my consumption has decreased so has my output. I'm at the end of the year now thinking that I should be playing new games and diving back into what drove me before, but I can't find the motivation organically.

Video games used to be exciting. In high school I latched on to the fact that they were an evolving medium, that every year there was some game that was pushing a limit in a way that felt new. The critical landscape that I found myself in after that reinforced a lot of my engagement with the newest output of a wide variety of developers. Indie games were constantly surprising, AAA games were consistently pushing the boundary. There was no shortage of topics to explore that made me feel like I was unwinding the possibilities that the medium presented. Even in more recent years when the formulas in both spaces started to feel more and more set there were still refinements to be made. The Last of Us Part 2 gave me months of work to process, Cyberpunk 2077 even more so. In between those I did start to feel a longing for another Night in the Woods or Kentucky Route Zero. The indie games I did play hit me with a hollowness that felt like I was missing something. I probably was.

Last year I renegotiated my relationship with a lot of older games that I came to realize my opinions were never really my own. I finally admitted to myself that I had never actually enjoyed a number of critically beloved games, and in following realized there were a number of games I had sworn off despite enjoying immensely. Skyrim was the main player that helped me articulate that. At the time I felt like I could move into 2023 confident that I was going to be more honest with myself about my personal experience with the games that I consumed. Then I didn't play any fucking games.

What's odd is that I no longer feel like I'm missing out on anything. The only game this year that felt like it might be worth it is Baldur's Gate 3 and even that I'm in no rush to get around to. In any other year I would have picked up Starfield just to tear it to shreds, but that too came and went without a second thought. I don't even know any of the indie games that came out this year, and when that would have felt like a failing to me once I don't strongly feel any way about it now. It seems to me that in many ways video games have hit their limits. Like any other medium new great works can be created within them, and like any other medium there is now a strong capitalist contest resisting the more experimental tendencies of the people working on them. Before everything was new and interesting, now it takes work to sort it out. Perhaps then it's no wonder that this is the year I started playing Ttrpgs 3-4 times a week.

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Weird, “M-Flu.”

Here is a little fluff for you all bc today I am also posting another chapter.

Sorry about the wait but I decided to take a bit of a hiatus over Thanksgiving, but now I am back :) 

It was early December, or so the humans said. Krill had never really understood the human’s need to split up time like that. The Vrul did, of course, keep track of their planet’s revolution around their star but that was simply numerically based rather than starting the count over every month like the humans did. 

It had been a bit busier than usual which was rather odd. You would think, on a spaceship, that illnesses would be relatively common due to the closed in area with a bunch of people side by side, and that it would not be affected by the time of year like it was on earth. However, he supposed that allowing the humans leave planetside so close to their sickest season was probably the reason.

Still blew his mind to  consider that humans had a time of year where epidemics and pandemics were more common. So common, in fact, that the humans just accepted getting sick as a fact of life, and often continued to go to work and be around other people during that time. Of course, this behavior used to be worse, but even with the widespread use of surgical masks during sickness, things still continued to spread.

He found himself, pleased, once again that he was incapable of catching human illnesses, though he did his best to stay away from plant life on other planets seeing as you never knew what he could catch from other species of plant, to which he was more similar than he was to animals like the humans or the Drev.

He reached upwards and plucked a clipboard from one of the nurses before turning towards the door and scuttling out.. He needed to go speak with the commander about the increased rate of infectivity aboard the ship. He was under the impression it would be best to begin a quarantine on some of the more sick patients. Yes it was true that the average human would not be taken out by the flu, but by his calculations it greatly decreased productivity.

Better to keep humans healthy and lose a few people than it was to allow everyone to only work at half capacity.

He greeted members of the crew as he floated the stairs and onto the bridge stepping through the door and approaching the captain’s chair… a chair which was empty…. That was strange? This was around the time the commander went over ship diagnostics. He did this every morning and despite being a very impulsive man who wasn’t prone to keeping schedule, this was a part of his day he didn’t tend to change.

Krill spun in a wide circle looking around trying to find the man as if he expected to see him hanging from the ceiling, though, now that he thought about it. He totally expected to see something like that.

There was a clatter on the stairs behind him, and he turned to find Sunny stepping into the room.

She looked around in equal confusion to him.

“Good morning.” She said in the traditional human greeting, “Have you seen Adam?”

Krill shook his head, another human gesture, “I was just about to ask you the same thing.” He held up the clipboard he was holding , “I came to speak to him about medical protocol aboard the ship.

Sunny hummed, “Well, I came to him about, this.” SHe turned and pointed downwards just in time for Krill to see three of the spiderlings clambering their way up the steps mewling and growling angrily on their way after Sunny. Krill inflated his helium sack and hovered out of reach of the spiderlings, who honestly scared the hell out of him, especially Glados.

Sunny stuck out a foot trying to hold the aforementioned monster at bay, but all three of them continued to squeal and chirp. 

“That’s strange.” Krill began, they never left Adam’s side if they could help it, and Glados didn’t particularly like sunny all that much, so none of this made particular sense. Hal, the smallest of the spiderlings chirped the little vocal folds at the back of it’s throat oscillating and vibrating. It was an ALMOST human sound but as if heard from a distorted speaker. 

It was actually kind of freaky.

“Where is Conn, maybe he’d know what’s going on.”

“Speak of the devil, and the devil shall appear.” The electronic voice responded from behind them. From the other end of the room, Conn floated forward, his solar ribbons billowing out behind him in long undulating tendrils. Lights on the signing gloves lit up as he made the human language gestures which were then converted into words by way of a speaker, “They are very unhappy…. Worried even.”

Sunny shifted nervously, “What do you mean.”

“I’m not entirely sure. Their language is very rudimentary you see. Their language centers are not completely developed enough for me to read their minds. I can only sense feelings only to a certain degree.” He paused, “It is a smell, a bad smell a dangerous smell.” He tilted his head to the side.

Sunny glanced towards Krill, “Gas leak?”

Conn shook his head, “No….. it seems….. Biological if that makes any sense to you, not that I entirely understand what that means.”

“Latrine backup.” Sunny commented wryly unable to help herself.

Krill glared at her, “very helpful of you, Sunny. Glad to see you humor has evolved to be so refined.”  

“Glad to see you even knew that was intended as a joke.”

The Spiderlings squealed again just as the sound of shuffling footsteps, and something dragging across the ground reached their ears.

Thud, thud, thud onto the metal catwalk.

Together, the two of them turned just in time to see the commander haul himself onto the bridge. Or at least, it looked like something that should have been the commander. His face was flushed bright red especially around the cheeks and neck. His eyes were red and puffy with dark circles under them. His hair was matted with sweat. He was wrapped in a large blanket like a cape which dragged on the ground behind him.

He hadn’t changed from his sweatpants.

And he was shivering violently despite both a long sleeve shirt, a hoodie, and the blanket.

He looked like a zombie.

Krill and Sunny watched as he oozed past like some sort of zombie hybrid slug and slumped into the captain’s chair. His sniffled a bit before erupting into a violent coughing fit. The sound was wet and rattling, a clear sign of chest congestion. 

Waffles, the dog, followed at his feet with clear concern in her large brown eyes.

The human snuffled again.

He turned to look at them from the depths of his hoodie and blanket cloak, “I think I’m dying.” he said sounding rather resigned to that fact.

Sunny looked nervous and went to step forward, but Kril held her off, “Wait there, and keep the spiderlings away.” he moved forward floating to the human’s head height. Even without his thermal vision he could feel the heat radiating from the human’s body, but still he switched receptors for a proper look.

One hundred and four degrees by the human’s reckoning.

“Sick for sure commander. Sunny head down to the medical bay and order that quarantine protocol. I was going to ask the commander about it, but he hardly seems capable of giving orders at the moment. Have his second take over and then get someone to babysit the spiderlings. Take them to Ramirez and Maverick, they get along well enough.

“Quarantine.” The commander muttered.

“Yes commander, we have alien lifeforms aboard the ship, and no way to know how the illness will affect them. Furthermore we want to make sure no one else catches it.”

“I think I am dying.” The man repeated absently groaning quietly as his shivering grew worse. 

“Don’t say that commander, you’re making me nervous. Save the announcements of death till after our tests.”

“Such a Diva.” Sunny commented trying to be funny though she sounded more concerned.

“Go on.” Krill ordered, and she did as told, scooping up the mewling spiderlings and walking from the room. Krill got the commander back to his feet and heard the sniffling coughing humans down the hallway. He was hunched over like some sort of invalid and moved more slowly than Krill, who was arguably the slowest being on the ship.

“Come on, Commander.”

“I don’t think I can make it.” The human sniffled piteously.

“Well you better because no one is going to carry you, now come on.” contrary to the human’s earlier statement, they made it to the medical bay in one peace. By Krill’s orders the rest of the medical team was ready with the protocol all wearing masks, gloves and surgical glasses. Perhaps they saw the entire thing as overkill, but he didn’t want anyone else getting sick.

They sat the human down on one of the medical beds, and Krill proceeded to learn that their Commander was quite pathetic when he was sick. This coming from a human who would run into dangerous situations skipping and singing show tunes now whimpered complaints and begged for medicine.

Halfway through their examination, another human came walking onto the bridge. 

Narobi from down in engineering. She stood straight and tall but Krill immediately noticed her elevated body temperature. Her dark skin made the ravaging heat less obvious, but her reddened eyes and the beads of sweat collecting on her forehead was enough. Though comparatively he wouldn't have been able to tell something was wrong otherwise. She was dressed in her engineering jumpsuit, and was rather well put together.

Krill glanced between her and the commander who lay mewling on the bed like an overly vocal puddle.

She smiled wryly, “I see I am not the only one then?” her voice was scratchy and somewhat congested. She was forced to clear her throat at least once the deep rattling in her chest also present.

“Krill walked over to her.”

“Symptoms.”

She took a polite seat on the edge of one of the beds, “Fever, chills, aches, cough, nausea, dizziness..” 

Krill glanced over at the commander again, who had his single eye trained on them and had suddenly stopped complaining.

He smiled inwardly,. Narobi was looking at him too with a raised eyebrow, “Good morning commander.”

He sat up slowly stifling a cough, “Good morning, Narobi.” he tried to stifle a shiver.

A wry smile, “Don’t let me interrupt commander. It was a stirring performance, I am close to tears.” Krill wasn’t exactly the best with detecting sarcasm made worse by the fact that her face did not change once while she said that sentence, so he couldn't be entirely sure if she was being facetious or not.

He began to cough again, “I Wasn't acting.” he grumbled defensively looking at her with a serious expression. That didn’t last long however as he was overcome with a violent bout of shivering and a cough eventually leaning back eyes watering form violent outburst one hand on his chest, “Never mind, this is bullshit. Go on just sit there and be a badass, I'll just be over here dying and looking pathetic.”

“Man flu?” She wondered wryly

“You know what,-” Cough, “I will have you know that that is totally a real thing, and I will not be shamed for it.”

Krill turned from his work, “Actually, according to our tests. Both  of you have the flu. The same strain probably got it at the same time. We will have to monitor the rest of the crew to make sure it does not spread further than the two of you before determining how dangerous it will be to other species especially the Drev. IN the interest of keeping the rest of the crew healthy for the time being, both of you will be isolated and monitored here.”

“Don’t you think that is going a bit overboard?” Narobi wondered 

The commander moaned.

“Actually, I think you humans don’t take illness seriously enough. Just because something is normal, doesn’t mean it's acceptable, and letting people suffer by themselves or allowing them to contaminate other people isn’t acceptable in my hospital.”

There was no arguing with the little doctor as he ordered the humans moved into the clear plastic contamination chamber and ordered to change. Both now wearing light blue scrubs they were ordered into bed, which of course the commander whined that he was still cold and had to be brought a stack of blankets with the great inner eye rolling of Krill, who, had learned from dr Katie, that they were not likely to die from such an illness, so he didn’t have to be THAT worried. Though he was still a little worried, and quickly moved to disguise his concern with a businesslike manner.

When Sunny came to visit that night she was distrubed by what she saw. She had never actually seen a sick human before, which was a wonder considering how long she had been on the ship. The powerful creatures she had come to know as indomitable were curled up in the darkness in isolation. Both of them were shivering between painful coughing fits. Their skin was pale and both were drenched in sweat.

The commander had, over the course of the last few hours slid down from the bed with all the pillows and blankets he had acquired and made some sort of delirious makeshift nest for himself on the floor the pillows being the base and the blankets wrapped around him like a human filled burrito only his mouth and nose being entirely visible. The other human was curled up on her side head resting on one arm.

She sighed quietly.

At her feet the dog whimpered as she looked through the clear plastic drape.

Sunny looked towards Krill with worry, “Are ... are they ok?”

Krill walked to stand next to Sunny, “It looks ugly, but Dr. Katie tells me that thousands of humans get it every year and survive without medical intervention, so they should be ok.”

Sunny glanced towards the containment opening.

“IS it contagious.”

He glanced over at her and then sighed realizing what she planned on doing, “With this strain, only for humans.”  With their unspoken agreement made, she stepped forward and unzipped the outer layer whistling for the dog who jumped in after her. She close it off and then opened the door into the other room closing it behind her.

The interior was hot and muggy, and there was a strange smell on the air.

IF sunny knew one thing about humans, it was how social they were. If that was the case, it just seemed wrong to her to leave them suffering alone in the dark. She was about to head towards the commander when the other human curled up and shivering caught her eye. With  a call she motioned the dog over patting the bed next to the human. The dog, seeming happy enough to help jumped up next to the human and lay down immediately.

Sunny was pleased at the smile smile she received from, closed-eyes human who reached out a hand and began stroking the dog’s velvety ears. The dog scooted closer curled up against the human’s stomach. The human wrapped an arm around the dog, and maybe it was just Sunny’s imagination, but thought the human’s shivering died somewhat.

Pleased that one of the humans was taken care of, she walked over to where Adam was curled up on the floor shivering and coughing. He sighed in an agonistic sort of way. She grabbed a cup from the side table and filled it with water returning to the human.

She knelt next to him and prodded him through the blankets, “Adam.”

The human shifted sitting up from inside his cocoon. 

She had noticed that habit some humans had, especially him. Upset, in pain, sick, they liked to make nests for themselves out of anything comfortable and fluffy in the immediate area. He looked at her with bleary eyes shivering, “Sunny..?” His skin was cold and clammy, and she could see the wet patches from sweat on his chest and stomach. He would be losing water quickly like that.

She handed him the water, “Drink, or Krill is going to get an IV on you instead.” The human grumbled but complied.

He finished the water but was hit with another racking cough that had him doubled over. Sunny sat back in worried confusion. The human sat up snuffling and groaned, “my back.” He muttered, “hurts so bad, but it’s so cold.” 

Sunny held out a hand to feel the heat radiating from the human’s skin.

She wasn’t entirely convinced about the cold thing, but took him at his word piling his blankets back on top of him.

She stood and returned to the other human urging a cup of water into her hand before returning to Adam, who had burrowed himself away like some kind of slimy lizard. She took a seat next to him learning against the wall and nodded to Krill who watched her from the outside. He would have been able to come in too, but he was dealing with other patients at the moment. 

She leaned back against the wall dozing a bit woken at some point in the darkness as something moved close to her crawling up to rest itself on her legs. She looked down to find the pile of blankets and pillows shifted next to her human pressed up against her. She pulled the blankets back curiously only to find the human looking worse than ever.

His eye had a strange glassy quality, he had stopped shivering but for a subdued tremor. The eye closed and he slumped against the ground half asleep or nearly dead she wouldn't have been able to tell accept for the back and forth movement of his head as he began to dream. 

He moaned in pain or fear she still wasn’t sure..

She grabbed the human with her lower arms and adjusted his blankets with the others letting him rest in her lap hoping whatever he was dreaming about would subside before it woke him up. It scared her to watch  as the virus ravaged through the human’s body. He thrashed in his sleep disquieted waking up only to fall asleep again in the same cycle. His breathing was raspy and labored. HIs body quaked with the cold one moment, and then he was pushing the blankets away for the extreme heat in the next moment. The coughing was the worst, beginning with full body spasms and ending with the human hunched over in agony at the end the shivering causing the already aching muscles even greater pain worsened by coughing. Sunny tried to help tried to get the two humans as much water as she could.

On the other side of the room, the dog licked the human’s arm in sympathy as she shivered. She had to leave in the morning to get her duties finished decontaminated before leaving, and came back later that evening when the dog was getting up from Adam to move back to the other human.

Sunny looked at Krill for an update.

He shook his head, “They woke up, but they didn’t eat. Been resting pretty uneasily, Commander says he keeps having nightmares. Narobi reports her dreams aren't exactly pleasant either. Dog seems to help, she's been keeping them good company.”

Sunny nodded, “It looks so…. Painful.” 

“You have anything like it on your planet?”  He wondered.

“Rot lung I guess, but its slower, sort of a lifelong thing…. I suppose you can also get infections caused by wounds, and there are a few others, but nothing like this.”

He nodded, “We can get skin rot pretty easily, but we have dealt with it. The blight is pretty bad and can leave you deformed…. I just can’t believe they find something like this normal.” 

“I’m gonna head back in, seems kind of wrong to keep the humans isolated.”

Krill didn’t argue letting her return to check on the far human first. Setting up some more water, stroking the dog’s ears and then returning to Adam. He was asleep as of just then half in and half out of his blankets like he couldn’t decide whether he was warm or cold. She wrapped him back up, and he absently curled up against her in his sleep. His hand rested against the floor leaving a humid mark behind it once she tucked it back in his blankets.

The worst of the symptoms lasted for three days with the humans only getting up to drink some water and go to the bathroom.

By the fourth morning Sunny was sitting in her usual spot as the human shifted and sat up.

He touched a hand to his forehead, and turning to look at him she found the redness gone from his face from the fever that had been raging past two days.

He glanced over at her looking a bit surprised, “Shit…. I thought I dreamed you being here the whole time.”

“No, I determined it was improper to leave humans isolated.”

He coughed lightly and winced, “Sure you did….” He either winked at her or just blinked, with only one eye she had trouble telling, “keeping acting like this and people are going to start thinking you like me.”

She snorted and pushed him over with one hand, “Go back to sleep you big idiot.”

He didn’t sit back up,”Mmmm probably a good idea. I feel like I got hit by a truck.”

“You look like you got hit by a truck.”

He rolled over trying to make himself comfortable, “Rude.”

She leaned her head back against the wall, “What…. Did that feel like? I have never seen anything like it before…. It scared me.”

The human snorted then coughed again, “Depends on what you’re asking about. Your throat hurts like your esophagus is lined in sandpaper, your face hurts because of the pressure in your nose from the swelling and all the gunk in your sinuses. Your entire body just aches made worse by the shivering which makes those muscles hurt more. Then the coughing comes in, and that just adds to the issue and it hurts your throat. Your chest is congested so it's hard to breathe, and it hurts. Generally your head hurts too, and your fever is so high it's just hard to think. When you sleep it isnt well and the dreams are weird as shit. At the worst of it, you're not even sure if you are awake or not….. Short answer is it sucks.”

“I’m sorry….. You humans really got dealt a shit hand…. I never thought it would be so….”

“Easy to take out a human?” 

“Yeah…”

“Id say a lot of the stuff we evolved to survive also made our lives shit….. The fever comes to kill off the virus or bacteria or whatever, but it can also cause brain damage if it goes to high, which is kind of a bummer, plus it feels terrible.”

She patted his shoulder in sympathy.

He curled up and sighed, no longer shivering and promptly fell back asleep.

By the fifth day, the humans were sitting up and eating and even walking around a little. Day six they were declared no longer contagious but ordered to wear surgical masks. Still they were left weak achy and commander vir spent much of the time sleeping curled up in another makeshift nest, this time in his own rooms.

The other human approached sunny upon leaving grabbing her by the arm to stop her before, “Thank you, Sunny…. I know you were really there for the commander, but I appreciate you thinking of me.”

Sunny tilted her head in surprise confused that the human would thank her for something so minor, by the time sunny had thought of anything to say, the other human was already gone.

She thought she now understood why ril was always so worried about his humans.

Humans getting sick was actually kind of scary.

She didn’t like it

[puttingfingerstokeys]

thermodynamic equilibrium

there’s a fucking mouthful for ya. Fire and Ice (subscorp)... sorta hurt/comfort but in a gruff old guy ninja way??? idk I love these fuckers. Unedited and like, I didn’t bother messing with italics because I am, as you may have gathered, painfully lazy. Sequel to Heart and Fire.

Broken Timeline 

The furs-covered bed, broad and expansive, was plenty of room and then some for the Grandmaster. The “and then some” was occupied by his recently-returned lover, Hanzo Hasashi. Kuai Liang slept peacefully next to him, one arm tucked under Scorpion’s neck, with the man’s face pressed close into his chest, hands curled up somewhere between them, protective. Their bodies sprawled next to each other, entangled from earlier exertions and, since neither had been willing to part, there they stayed, chill against hot, pale against nut brown. We are truly balanced, then, aren’t we? Sub-Zero’s dreams drifted in and out of the sensible, as dreams did, leading him down the paths of old memory and then into uncharted fog, the future, perhaps. It was only when his dreams began to prickle and scorch that he stirred.

Hanzo did not stir. He lay motionless, making nary a sound. His body, however, was heating up at an alarming rate, rather like a fever. Sub-Zero awakened to the touch of scalding flesh upon him. He breathed deeply, seeking the cool, quiet spot, deep in his spirit, the place whence his ice would be summoned. They had done this before, many times, during Scorpion’s recovery. Takeda had graciously agreed to continue his post as interim Grandmaster of the Shirai-Ryu while Hanzo made the arduous trek back to true, thriving life. It was Kuai Liang’s pleasure to be the catalyst for this, despite Scorpion’s vehement protests.

Carefully, he wrapped his chilling arms tighter about the other man’s compact frame. Scorpion was tense, coiled like a spring, and the heat was becoming unbearable. Once more, Sub-Zero took a breath of cool night air, warmed by the braziers which burned low in his chambers, slowed by curtains and furs, but otherwise pure and unhindered. Hanzo pushed away from the grip instinctively, some part of him recognizing potential danger—either via memory or training. Kuai Liang redoubled his efforts and slowly began speaking to his friend. At first, he said little other than “you are safe” and “it is not real—whatever you are seeing is a dream”, which soon evolved into gentle declarations of adoration, protection, and deep, abiding affection.

By the time icy kisses began raining over Scorpion’s face, the man was awake and breathing hard, no longer fighting against Sub-Zero’s arms but pulling himself closer, clinging to the man like a life raft. His heart hammered violently in the confines of his broad chest and he was sweating hard, the droplets beginning to vaporize in the heat that his own body was producing. The shivering started soon after as Kuai Liang’s grip began to chill him to the very center and he finally, finally relaxed.

“That was interminable,” he growled irritably, nestling closer to Sub-Zero with a shudder he could not hold back. Still their limbs were entangled and so they stayed even as he shifted. “I do not know how much longer I can stand these… spells.”

“You have suffered great trauma, Hanzo, and loss,” Kuai Liang reminded him, reaching down to pull more furs up and over the two of them. He considered removing himself from the equation and sleeping atop them, holding Scorpion through their warmth, but it was clear from the way the Shirai-Ryu Grandmaster was laying that he did not want him to go anywhere. 

“I have suffered these things before,” snarled Scorpion.

“And you slept alone, then, struggling through it on your own.”

“I did not sleep.”

“Even worse, my Fire. You must recover yourself; your clan needs you, but they do not need one who refuses to do that properly.”

Scorpion stiffened. Sub-Zero knew just how to speak, what to say, and when, to slide deftly under the fiery ninja’s skin and prick him deep and thoroughly. He was right, of course. Long years as Grandmaster had taught Kuai Liang much, but he had learned even more growing up in the chilly ranks of the Lin Kuei, battling not only external foes, but internal in the form of his resentful brother, Bi-Han, and others who hardly deemed him worthy of the name Tundra, much less Sub-Zero.

My love has proven them wrong, he reminded himself, so many times over, I cannot count. It will do so again. He held Scorpion gently now, shifting back to peer into those white, inscrutable, wraith’s eyes. He missed the gentle, doe brown of Hanzo’s—the color that was wholly his and no one else’s. It was flecked with gold and glowed with inner fire Sub-Zero could not begin to describe, only to appreciate in gestures bordering on the worshipful.

Kuai Liang was content to rest in the silence, but he did not close his eyes, opting instead to continue watching Scorpion’s face. The man’s features were so refined and sharp that every twitch of a muscle seemed to change his whole countenance. Perhaps it was long years of knowing the man without his mask, but Sub-Zero thought his features were beautifully sculpted to tell any viewer with half a mind precisely what he was thinking.

Many seemed to miss these cues and ended up on the wrong side of Hanzo Hasashi’s hellfire temper. Even Kuai Liang himself had felt the heat, more than once, but rarely without purpose and always to good ends. He recalled their first serious conflict with relish and fondness. He had proposed the unity of their clans. When Scorpion had responded with expected hostility, having only recently began the road to rebuilding the Fire Gardens and the Shirai-Ryu, Sub-Zero had merely stated he would reiterate his proposal when he, Scorpion, had “cooled down”.

This had, naturally, caused Hanzo’s ire to rise to a fever pitch and the battle had been glorious. Kuai Liang still bore a few scars from it and he noticed that Scorpion did, too. They were well-matched and what had finished it, what had saved them both from unnecessary pain, was Sub-Zero’s powerful arms, closing around Scorpion’s body, holding tight, and deep freezing him. “I will cool you down, then,” he had said, speaking it into the Shirai-Ryu ninja’s ear as the man lost consciousness. 

Once again, it was this same technique which was helping to pull Hanzo Hasashi out of that space of nightmares and hellscapes which was the subconscious, unconscious mind of a survivor of Netherrealm’s deepest pits.

“I will bear these scars for the rest of my life,” Scorpion said, staring into Sub-Zero’s eyes, daring him to argue. Nodding, Sub-Zero brought his lips to the man’s forehead, laying them there gently, without urgency, drawing back as he pleased.

“I know you will,” he said quietly. “Your body and mind are a tapestry of your story—we are all stories, but some of us are … page-turners.”

His smile was soft, just as gentle as the kiss he had offered up. It softened Hanzo’s expression marginally and Kuai Liang felt himself breathe a mental sigh of relief. He was afraid it would come to blows, as it sometimes did. Likely, now, they would speak a while, talk of the past, of the future, of the present, and then perhaps make love before drifting off once more.

Their athleticism had not waned in their time apart, but upon Sub-Zero’s insistence, they were taking it relatively easy on the intimacy front. He knew it frustrated his companion, but the last thing he wanted to do was prolong Hanzo’s recovery time because they had been a little too ambitious. He didn’t mind having the man around. Ideally, Scorpion would simply retire, leave the Shirai-Ryu to Takeda, a very worthy successor, and come to live with him at Arctika, permanently.

He knew there was more of a chance to see Lord Raiden’s hair.

“Takeda is a worthy man,” Hanzo whispered hoarsely, dropping his gaze, wishing only to talk now. 

“You trained him well,” said Sub-Zero, his compliment not a hollow one. He had seen the Shirai-Ryu fight and they were all proficient and dangerous, as assassins ought to be, but Takeda was on another level entirely. Perhaps it was his innate telepathy that gave him an edge, but without training, it would otherwise be useless.

“He is a son to me,” stated Scorpion almost too flatly, as if he, working so hard to conceal his emotions regarding Takeda Takahashi, had overcompensated and utterly drained the statement of its life’s blood. Sub-Zero understood. He tightened his hold a moment. “I know I have no right,” Hanzo continued, “as he is already the son of another, but his firstborn bears my name, so I am responsible for him.” 

“He is responsible for himself, as every Earthrealm warrior should be,” Kuai Liang returned, “and besides, no Shirai-Ryu is alone, are they? You are family.”

“I do not like the separation,” admitted Hanzo, his voice barely above a whisper once more, afraid to admit this aloud, too. “I feel I am… failing them, weakening the clan.”

“You have added to your ranks, my Fire—Jacqueline Briggs is more than a competent kombatant. She makes Takeda a better man and he makes her a better woman; they sharpen each other as lovers must do. They are the ideal for your clan and family.”

Struck by the passion of Sub-Zero’s speech, Scorpion looked up again, reading much and more in his companion’s features, but still not quite able to discern whence this fervor had come. His heart was even beating faster, which it never did. A kryomancer’s heart was almost always on low, relatively speaking. This alarmed Hanzo, but he said nothing, content to see what would come next.

“You are family,” Kuai Liang repeated, “and… I desire to… also be part of your family, Hanzo.” He paused, pursing his lips and considering, but never, ever breaking eye contact with Scorpion. The man was not unlike a beast, at times, and dropping one’s gaze was absolutely a sign of weakness—something he could not afford right now, if his wishes, his deepest, most pure desires were to be fulfilled. “Do me the honor, if you would, Grandmaster, of being mine… permanently, in blood and covenant, forever.”

It was not a question.

And it need not have been. Scorpion expected force and vigor from his lover and this was precisely that, and then some. His surprise came from the fact that the proposal had followed yet another of his episodes, each one of which he considered shameful and a mark upon his honor. Every single time, he had vowed in blood that it would be his last. Each time, he knew Sub-Zero knew better. Did he hate this or love it about the man? He could not decide.

“An alliance,” he grunted. Kuai Liang laughed, a hoarse sound, but not without joy, not by a long shot. He squeezed Hanzo tightly once more and buried his face in the man’s hair, breathing deep the scent of the one he loved more than his own life.

“Yes, you silly fool, an alliance,” said Sub-Zero, still laughing and once more drawing Scorpion to him, this time pressing their lips together, long and slow. The heat of Hanzo’s mouth and the chill of Kuai Liang’s mixed somewhere in the center of complete comfort and the beginnings of tantalizing satisfaction. The conclusion would arrive hours later in breathless gasps and the sound of each other’s names, spoken with reverence and gravity, the spill of their love preceding deep, restful sleep until the rosy fingers of dawn caressed them and they arose to the winter wonderland of Arctika and a new day.

[paramsiddharth]

#15: The Independence Day

However tempting the title may be at suggesting my life is at peace now, it painfully isn't. I don't want this to prevent me from glorifying the decades of freedom from colonization we have enjoyed, how much we have recovered from post-colonization trauma, and how we are more responsibly planning to evolve in future. Lots of love to my country. I love my dear Bihar, I love India. I am grateful to my parentland for everything it gave me, such as the beautiful cultural heritage and the opportunity to identify myself as a proud Indian. 🇮🇳 I give my heartfelt pranaam to my nation.

Why is it always such that I make a post, disappear for months (or years), and then make a sudden reappearance? I love writing. Why this discontinuity? I asked myself this question.

I realized it is because I am always too overwhelmed by my past and future to express my present without hurting myself. And don't expect me to mourn that; It is part of my situational awareness, learning from my experience, and practical preparedness and I'm not ashamed.

I'm not proud either, but there's little I can do to change the circumstances I'm put in. The very reason behind my continuous complaining and being a crybaby is because that's what has happened to me throughout my life, and continues to. There are plenty of people to blame, but definitely not me.

I will start talking about the time after the day I posted that Kharagpur blog, but I will move in a logarithmic fashion i. e. Increasing the amount of focus on the part closer to the plateau (present) rather than the cliff (past).

Do you use olive oil at home? Is it a common ingredient in most of the food that you have at home? I recently learnt an interesting truth about food oils. Mustard oil, olive oil, and refined oil are the 3 major oils used to cook. In my family everything is cooked in mustard oil. I used to watch recipe videos and wonder why the colour of the oil looked so different. Turns out they generally use olive oil.

Based on what mom told, mustard oil is much more fatty and considered not good for health, at least in comparison to olive oil. That being said, mustard oil comes for a lot cheaper than olive oil. So do we use less healthy oil to cook food for saving money? Yes. Are we the only ones? I really don't know.

As much as I don't want to, I pity myself. It's pathetic, but every time I pity myself, I assume it can't get worse. But it does. It very much does.

5-6 days ago, my parents had a very violent fight. I was there to get them to settle, and since my classes were not going on, I could give more time to home. Despite my struggle to get both my parents to be peaceful, they kept saying things to each-other for half the night, and kept hurting themselves, mentally and physically. I was there to help them, but they weren't welcoming to any support. And I understand why. They must feel like they are put into a position where they can't express themselves to anyone, and that nobody can feel what they are going through.

Folks and friends tell me not to get in between when they fight. I wouldn't… If only it remained verbal. But it gets worse. It gets physical, in a manner that they end up hurting their internal and external biologies causing more than just short-term damage. I barely manage to save the day everytime… Because I love them. I don't want to listen to my friends. My parents are my everything. Losing one of them means losing half of my life's purpose. I'm nothing without them, no matter how they are.

And I managed to calm them down. 3 days ago, we woke up to a news that wasn't initially so devastating: The water motor wasn't working. It had been a common problem, I easily assumed it will be fixed soon. We got it checked, had some analysis done, some parts bought. By evening, it was still being worked on, and that made the situation tense. The day ended with the news that the plumbers will come the next day and attempt a better fix, something they referred to as "slizing" (I think it supposed to be slicing). I didn't eat much that day, for reasons. Others ate less too.

So we got the "slizer" expert the next day. The whole day was going to be a wasted struggle again, and what happened at home made it far worse. The lack of food, hydration, and sanitation made our patience and moods worse. My parents had an argument, and once the light was sparked, it ended up being probably the worst fight they have ever had in the whole lifetime. One where they almost hit each-other. I came in between as a shield and got beaten up instead, gladly so. But will I always be able to get in between?

The situational dilemma hit me harder than the physical strokes. I was pulled down deep into the realization of how traumatizing the past 5 years have been for my parents. From being loving, caring, and supportive, they've become beasts. They have turned into people with no emotional control, and mood-swing patterns that encourages self-harm exclusive to interpersonal fights between those two.

As much as they fight, scream, misbehave, and misunderstand each-other while arguing, they are the only 2 adults I could ever rely on. The rest of my ostensible family has been far more hostile to us, in a much more heart-penetrating way than physically. Who else can I look up to? And even if I had anybody else to look up to, my parents are the 2 people I will never let go of. It is my life's purpose to see them happy, and I won't let anything go wrong before that happens.

Their hatred for each-other while fighting is no longer silenced by their want to live, and their heart no longer melts by the thought of their kids' happiness. They aren't able to think straight during a fight. What would a person in this condition be advised to do? Take therapy, I suppose. We can't afford that. Will the one who advises us pay for our therapy? I'm sure not.

Money is the one big thing in our life that's our biggest joy and harshest pain at the same time. If we had more money, none of our current problems in life would remain relevant. We will be able to cure everything, including our financial instability and mental illnesses. We will be off to a happy life, constantly evolving. If only we had more money. If only…

Let me slap myself out of this dream. It isn't here yet. A minimum of 2 years before I even get on my feet are to be borne with patience and… Struggle. No, my parents have to remain together, no matter what. The hardwork they did for their whole life, won't lose meaning so easily. We're close, and we will make it. I will get a good job and change everything. I will be able to fix us. I will do it… Won't I?

I wasn't able to cry, because I hadn't had water for 50+ hours. My parents eventually lost energy and got diverted by updates from the plumbers and the expert. It failed. They didn't even attempt the "slizing" part. Maybe next day.

Day 3. No eating, drinking, peeing, or excreting. We felt like lifeless blobs, and it was harder for us to make it through, considering my mom has an OCD. Although we were convinced that the service folks were fixing the water issue, we also knew the kind of people we have in Muzaffarpur. They were using our helplessness as a measure to maximize visible worktime and increase the payment. The only thing they were aiming for is profit. No sense of wanting to provide quality service, no concern for our degrading health, nothing. They were just extending and pulling out days from our lifeless schedule.

On day 3, we slightly hinted that this would be the last day we let them work. We ensured them that if they don't fix it by the end of the day, instead of wasting more money into something that isn't even working, we will urgently invest into getting a submersible pump installed, the ultimate answer to all water problems in the poverty-stricken lands of India.

God knows how, by the end of the day, water started coming. We were not relieved, especially I. Not instantly. I waited for the next morning, and then, was a little calmed. After having the payment report (just because I make it sound professional doesn't mean it was, it was an informal description of how much we have to pay and a disambiguation telling why), we realized the fixing cost us over ₹22,000. That's a lot of money for a sudden life problem. And then the motor stopped working again in the evening, whereafter we asked them to have a look again. A quickfix and it started working after adding some water in the pipe.

We are firm that the next step is to get a submersible pump, but even if we put aside the financial challenge for a moment, this season isn't the best one to get it installed. In fact, that should be our last resort, if all options are exhausted, like it would have been if day 3 ended in a disappointment too. But now we have some time to think, plan, and gather money. ₹80,000 isn't a small amount (that's to start, you know it's always more than it seems).

It was the independence day. Wow, what a beautiful day. An independent country, where there are lakhs of smiles of people happy and proud of their country. And lakhs of neutrally frowned faces who don't even know what a country is. All they know is food, water, shelter, and survival. I felt them, I can tell. It must be worse. I wish we had a little more independence too. A stable financial life, my mom's OCD cured, feels like a lovely eye-tearing dream.

Hahaha… I don't know why I'm crying. Is it because of the trauma of 3 painful days? Is it the fear of my parents getting into a fight again? Is it the painful possibility that I might not get a good job because of my not-so good college or my own ineligibility? Or is it just me, a 19 year-old who doesn't even know what to do with his life and is struggling to survive mentally, physically, biologically, academically, and socially?

For those 3 days, I was in a state of suffering. Since I didn't eat much, I didn't need to use the bathroom, but I would have loved to. I would have loved to satisfy my dry throat with some water. Having not drunk or eaten in days had fatigued me. If you want a feel of how long it had been, here's a day 3 picture of an initially dark yellow arhar dal cooked on day 1:

Still, I was receiving phone calls.

Them: Hey Param! What's up? Can you help me with this thing?

Me: Hi, I'm sorry, I can't… I'm kind of in a problem… ...(trying to explain my situation).

Them: That stinks! Sorry about that, dude. Take care. Oh, by the way, can you help me out with this quickly? I really need to do this.

This makes me realize how awfully tooled I have always let myself be. If it was a regular day, I would have probably let go of my busy time and helped them out, but I was in pain. I was enraged. Very angered by their stubbornness and lack of concern for my happiness, when I have always been the one who was there for them. I hung up and left my phone. I didn't feel like touching it anymore. Life felt obsolete.

Evening, day 4, we were preparing for dad's birthday next day. Planning a surprise, we ordered a cake for him by collecting some money. We were very excited. Little did we know our happiness was about to be shattered… That's when the water had stopped working again. We know it got fixed later, but the intensity of the trauma in the moment embedded itself deeply into our hearts, and despite the want to be excited, we weren't very relieved after the news that it was working again. We were constantly afraid it will stop working again.

We desperately tried to stay happy and celebrate his birthday. 12 AM, August 16, we sang happy birthday. Crying on the inside and smiling on the outside, we made ourselves believe that we ought to be happy for survival. The desperation was visible on our faces. Here are some pictures:

Now that I'm out of it (pray, the water works fine), I still don't feel so good about it. I want to hug my parents and stay in their arms forever. I want to see them smiling and keep talking to them forever. I want to be able to forget my pain and begin a happy life with my parents someday. Other people won't help me achieve that, I will.

I attempted to get myself a job offer at some good companies, and the recruiters would admit that I'm worthy and eligible and all, but then conclude, "…but our company generally gives only on-campus opportunities.". I get it. I'm not in an IIT. Not privileged enough to be allowed to compete with those IITians I'm far better than. I'll not have a chance, because they'll never come for on-campus opportunities to my college. Bless the IITs, for they've now stolen a hundred options of success from me despite my hardwork.

It is the interview season. I recently had a huge spam of texts and phonecalls by my seniors, asking, requesting, and even threatening me to help them with their online coding entrances. I clarified that I find it ethically wrong, but they continued to mentally disturb me by saying stuff that they, as my elders, shouldn't. I made a post on LinkedIn regarding that. I was so mentally tortured I couldn't take it anymore. And guess what? The responses were equally surprising and hostile.

A good number of people supported. By "supported", I don't mean "liked the post". Anybody would do that for free. Rather, some people appreciated my bravery and told me I did the right thing. On the other hand, some others simply scolded and criticized me brutally for the defamation of JUET, the possibility of JUET being blacklisted by recruiters, and making LinkedIn an unprofessional platform with my plea. What value I hath wrought from years of hardwork didn't seem to be anything to them. Shame on them for looking down on someone they should have been supportive to. And all those cowards who enjoy the perks of the flattery of such devil elders, may they suffer the consequences. Ahh!

Life is so stupid. Why am I working so hard? Whom for? Hello? Is anybody ever going to acknowledge me? Am I ever going to get any appreciation? EVER? Why me? Why? 😭

The question is on me. I've come far enough to understand how this universe works to a much better extent than before. Will I be able to plan my future strategically and always do what's right for me and my family? I hope I do. I hope I don't disappoint the one person who is always there to support me: Myself.

I had once felt like I saw God, but suddenly there was no God. I looked around. Nothing. I was alone. All by myself. Nobody was there to help me achieve my dreams. I suddenly felt this urge to be so grateful for what I have, and not assume that this is the worst it can get. It could get worse, and there's a lot I can get out of my present rather than worrying about my future. And you, dear reader, ought to be grateful for what you have, too.

I sincerely take my leave now. ❤️

Lots of love,

Param Siddharth.

[projectussle]

So Long and Thanks For All The Squares

Hello again everyone. I suppose it’s probably not too surprising, but this will probably be the final Project TUSSLE post. It’s been a long time coming, but I can say now that I’ve been officially scooped. Someone else is executing the TUSSLE concept better than I ever could, and I think it’s time to just let the professionals handle things from here on out.

I’m talking, of course, about Fraymakers, which, as of time of posting, has a little over a week left on its Kickstarter. Now, this isn’t the first “MUGEN but Smash Bros” concept to be pitched, but this is the one I feel could very well do it. McLeod Gaming has a very long history with Platform Fighting games, being the developers of Super Smash Flash,and their experience working in Flash’s ActionScript lends well towards making an extensible scripting language for the game to use. Not to mention the credibility they have from being in the indie space for so long getting the prolific guest characters they have so far. Full disclosure, I’ve actually sent emails out to a lot of these developers myself, but have received no responses from any of them. I don’t know how long Fraymakers negotiations have been in the works, but it’s possible this project’s been in the works for years already and I’ve been scooped for longer than I thought I was.

If you were excited for TUSSLE and haven’t already, I urge you to support Fraymakers, whether financially or just by getting involved in the community. I’m definitely going to be making tons of content for it when available, so there’s that to look forward to. The truth of the matter is that I just wasn’t good enough to make this a reality, and if you like the idea of TUSSLE at all, Fraymakers will likely be better than TUSSLE ever could have been, and if you were looking forward to something Fraymakers doesn’t do, chances are it was beyond my abilities anyway.

There have been many people attempting to help out with the project, but the truth is that I’m worse at project management than I am at development, and I could never give anyone enough tasks or direction to be able to make any manageable progress, despite that they were all very talented developers or content creators who were definitely up to the task. Still, in the process of working on this, I’ve drastically improved my abilities in both Python and Unity, as well as leadership, and I hope that my next project, whatever it might be, will be smoother than this one was.

This project’s been with me since before I graduated college, and stuck with me through some of the highest and lowest points of my life. It’s basically been a background process running in my brain. Every time I learned a new programming technique or design pattern I thought “How could I use this in TUSSLE?”, any time I played a new game or watched a show I thought “Could this character be a good TUSSLE fighter?”, I have dozens of notebooks with scribbles of UI mockups or pseudo-code algorithms, many of which are repeated or refined versions of older sketches. I’d go through phases of my life where I’d do nothing but code on TUSSLE all day, and phases where I wouldn’t touch it for months. To be honest, I’m kind of glad I’ll be getting all that mental real estate back not having to worry about it any more. I can dedicate myself to learning things unrelated to TUSSLE without feeling guilty about spending my mental energy on something else while people were eagerly awaiting updates. It’s helped me in my current job as well, a lot of the runtime importing code I’ve written for TUSSLE has actually wound up being used at my job to turn AutoCAD drawings of buildings into an explorable 3D environment in Unity. I’ve learned more about Unity UI than any human being has any right to know. I’ve met some incredibly talented people and watched them evolve into better artists, musicians, programmers, or modelers as they stopped by to give feedback or graciously donate their talents to this troubled project. I hope to see all of you succeed at whatever life throws at you.

Thank you, sincerely, everyone who has followed this project. You’ve given me something to anchor my life to for nearly a half-decade, and I don’t regret the time I’ve spent working on it. You’ve all seen this small indie project and decided to follow it and give your support, and that’s meant the world to me. I’m sorry I couldn’t deliver the project you were all hoping to play, but I hope you’ll all enjoy Fraymakers as much as I am going to, because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who makes the game or what it’s called, we all just want to play Project TUSSLE, and I’ll be right along there with you all.

Good Bye, digiholic

[rutilation]

Listen, they’re not evil. They just lack empathy, and go into a dissociative state and commit atrocities.

As much as it pains me to do so, I’m going to start off by talking about the bastard himself.  I must say, believing that rage and misery is the inevitable endpoint of a person’s life is an awfully convenient belief for Aechmea to hold when his plan would end all sentient life as collateral damage. If all your victims are better off dead anyway, then your actions don’t warrant any guilt!

There’s a little moment in chapter 67 that has always stuck out to me as being representative of Aechmea’s character, and I think it’s especially relevant to this chapter. It’s the part in which Cairngorm is trying to argue that it’s in Aechmea’s best interest to keep Phos as mentally stable as possible since they’re his staunchest ally amongst the gems. My reaction upon reading that line was that their appraisal of Aechmea’s intentions was very naïve.  To the contrary, the more unstable Phos becomes, the easier it is for Aechmea to manipulate them.  At this point in the narrative, Phos is no longer carefully treading through negotiations with Aechmea, as they were in volume eight and the beginning of volume nine; they’re now doing exactly what he wants, with gusto, and no thought to the long term consequences.  This is entirely deliberate on Aechmea’s part, and indeed, in the very same chapter that Cairngorm brought this up, Aechmea pulled the same trick on them.  He made Cairn feel cornered and desperate, presented himself as the sole solution to their problem, and thus Cairn went from being deeply suspicious of Aechmea to…still being deeply suspicious of Aechmea, tbh, but burying it under an ironclad sense of denial.  This chapter even contains a callback to chapter 67:  Both here and there, Phos/Cairn is broken and despondent, Aechmea is looming over them, and they reach out to weakly cling to his hand.

He asks Barbata to “handle” Phos’s memories of the past two hundred years.  That’s an ambiguous line if I’ve ever heard one.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but Phos shouldn’t have memories of the past two hundred years, right?  I’m not sure if this is implying that he wants Barbata to implant false memories within Phos of the past two hundred twenty years, or—heaven forbid—if he’s implying that Phos actually has memories of the timeskip, and that he wants Barbata to make sure Phos doesn’t lose any of them.  If it’s the latter, that would suggest that Phos has, somehow, been conscious this whole time (holy shit,) and that Aechmea doesn’t want Phos to be able to move past those memories.  Regardless of what he’s referring to though, the sentiment behind his cryptic order is clear: now that he’s molded Phos into something he can easily control, he’s taking pains to ensure that they’re stuck in their current incarnation, so that they don’t evolve ever again.  It brings to my mind this scene in chapter 54, in which Aechmea all but fetishizes Phos’s capacity for change.  It was already pretty creepy, but knowing that this is what he intended for Phos to change into adds another layer of wrongness to that exchange.

It’s interesting that just a couple chapters ago, Phos was screaming at Kongou “If only you weren’t here!”   But here, the sentiment has completely inverted, and Phos is weeping as they say that Kongou is the only one who still cares for them, and that it’s the gems who shouldn’t be here.  In only a few short hours, they’ve gone from directing all their hatred at Kongou, to directing it at everyone except him.  Their rage is unformed and all over the place.  Good thing Aechmea’s here to refine it to his own ends!

Aechmea says that he’ll answer Cairngorm’s question “when this is all over.”  That could imply a couple of different things, depending on what he means by that.  If he means he’ll tell Cairn after he’s finished dealing with Phos for this chapter, then that’s one thing.  But, if by ‘all over’ he means that he’s not going to say anything until Kongou successfully prays, and his victory is assured--as with the previous secret he was keeping from Cairngorm, then that implies that whatever he was alluding to when he said he had loved Cairngorm since before they came to the moon, it’s probably something awful.

If you’ve been following my essays for a while, you’ll know that I’ve long suspected that some sort of Cairn-related plot twist will rear its ugly head at some point in the near future, and that mind-control eyeballs were perhaps only the tip of the iceberg.  Well, after nearly a year of deliberation, I’ve settled on my personal theory of what this plot twist could be, but it’s far outside the scope of an essay focused on a single chapter, so I’m going to post my thoughts on that in another essay sometime in the coming weeks.  Keep an eye out for it if you want to see me go fully and embarrassingly tinfoil hat.  (With my luck, chapter 83 is going to reveal what Aechmea meant by his cryptic statement before I get that essay done, and it’s going to be something banal, thus ruining my precious conspiracy theory.)

But enough about cornmeal and acne man, let’s talk about the trajectory Phos seems to be on, and also about Cinnabar.

For quite a while now, it’s been a pretty popular theory that Cinnabar will eventually kill Phos with their mercury, and it does feel like things could head in that direction.  Phos is so far gone that they’re willing to kill anyone in their path, and in so much pain that their death could be construed as a mercy.  And since they can best Bort in a fight, it would seem that Cinnabar’s mercury is the only thing that could actually stop them, especially since it could chemically bind to their alloy and poison Phos from the inside out.  To be perfectly honest though, something about this potential course of events has always rubbed me the wrong way, but until this chapter, I hadn’t been able to pinpoint exactly what it was I didn’t like.  

The whole story was started because Phos thought Cinnabar deserved better than their miserable lot in life.  At no point did Phos, or the narrative for that matter, ever suggest that it would be for the best if Cinnabar were simply put out of their misery.  Their plight warranted not just a release from pain, but a better life to replace it.  And as they are now, Cinnabar probably doesn’t want to die anymore, and I imagine they’re glad they didn’t go through with their passive attempt at suicide.  (Come to think of it, I think they’re the sole character who’s moved away from being suicidally depressed over the course of the story, instead of gradually succumbing to it.)  So, now that the shoe is thoroughly on the other foot, and Phos is the one at rock bottom, it would leave a really bad taste in my mouth if Cinnabar’s response to Phos’s pain ends up being: “Yeah, you should die.”  

So, although the plot is probably going maneuver Cinnabar into a situation in which they have to decide whether or not to kill Phos, I hope that it’s ultimately in service of that not coming to pass.  

Speaking of Cinnabar, I really hope we finally get more insight into them in these coming chapters. Broadly speaking, more stuff has happened with them the past twenty or so chapters than most of the rest of the series.  Their whole life was upended, they (seemingly) made a friend in Bort, and they’re finally making choices that affect the plot, which hasn’t really happened since volume two.  But, despite all this, we don’t really know what they’re actually thinking, of what emotions they’ve been going through.  You can make some inferences, but that’s not really as affecting as experiencing their perspective firsthand, and I think that’s why people get the impression that they’ve been made irrelevant to the story, despite the fact that they’ve been contributing to the plot lately.  So, hopefully we’ll finally get some further elaboration on them in the near future; I think it would remedy the issue quite a bit.

I’ve been thinking lately that what Cinnabar did to Phos in this arc is kind of a grim mirror of how Phos’s desire to help Cinnabar became muddied over the course of the story.  I don’t believe that Cinnabar was acting out of malice in chapter 78 when they suggested burying Phos in pieces.  If they genuinely wanted Phos dead, they could have encouraged the earth gems to go along with Rutile’s murderous impulses, instead of coming up with a plan in which Phos might come back eventually—certainly no one else in that scene, sans Euclase, voiced any objection to Rutile’s idea, and if Cinnabar hadn’t spoken up, they all might have gone along with it.  I think it’s quite possible that they were attempting to protect Phos by trying to appease the other gems’ enmity in a way that wouldn’t bring Phos permanent harm.  

But, just like how Phos’s ever-shifting goalposts pushed Cinnabar to the back of their mind over the course of the story, it’s possible that their new life among the gems had the same effect on Cinnabar.  Thus, in their mind, Phos was relegated to an important but altogether distant obligation that they’d deal with later, when the time was right.  But since these are gems we’re talking about, the time is never right, and complicated problems like these never get dealt with.  And just like how it was cruel and thoughtless when Phos put Cinnabar on the backburner, it’s cruel here too—especially if, as I speculated earlier, Phos was somehow awake this whole time.

Because I am a sentimental sap who still has a little bit of hope for a bittersweet ending instead of a complete tragedy, I think that Cinnabar might actually be a wild card in this situation, one who has the potential to save Phos from themselves.  (I’m sorry.  I can’t help myself.  My mind is stuck in power-of-friendship mode, and it’ll probably stay there until Ichikawa beats the idealism out of me, just like she beat it out of Phos.)  Keeping in mind what things Aechmea has been able to deduce either through direct observation through Phos’s eye, or what might have been reported to him from any Lunarians returning from an attack on earth, he doesn’t have enough information to figure out that Phos had a strong connection to Cinnabar.  Although he’s confident now that Phos has no ties to anything they once loved, and is wholly dependent on him, the previous chapter shows that Cinnabar still means something to Phos, even in this state.  Since all of this exists in a blind spot for Aechmea, I think it has the potential to muck up his plans—if Ichikawa deigns it to be so, of course.

Now let’s talk about symbolism, because there’s a lot of it.  First off, I want to talk about a pattern I noticed regarding Phos’s changes, one which I discussed in the very first meta I wrote for the series.  At the time, I speculated that the title of the art book, Pseudomorph of Love, was hinting at this pattern, but when the artbook was translated later courtesy of @red-dia, it turns out that said title was alluding to something totally different. Nevertheless, I think I may have inadvertently stumbled onto a method regarding Phos’s changes that seems too consistent to not be deliberate, and I’ll reiterate it here:  With the very notable exception of the pearl eye, down to even the most minor of losses, every permanent loss and addition to Phos’s body has been tied to an attempted act of kindness.  Specifically, Phos loses parts when trying to do something altruistic, and they are given new parts out of kindness on another characters part.

They had to have contaminated parts of their body scraped away after trying to save Cinnabar from falling.

They lost their legs while trying to help Ventricosus return home, and gained the new legs because of an act of kindness on her part.

Although the ice flows initially tried tempting Phos into giving up their arms by reflecting their self-loathing, it was only when they frightened Phos with the idea that Cinnabar might kill themselves if Phos doesn’t change quickly enough that they accidentally-on-purpose lost their arms.  While Antarc initially dismissed the gold they ended up giving to Phos as useless, they changed their tune when they noticed Phos projecting their own low self-esteem onto the gold.  To me, it seems like the act of giving Phos the gold was their way of telling Phos that they’re not worthless.

They lost a bunch of small pieces while trying to save Antarcticite

They lost their head while trying to save Cairn’s arm.  And then Cairn... uh…  Let’s put a pin in that for now, and come back to it when their character arc has progressed a bit further.  The element of mind control eyeballs that may or may not even be real makes the situation a bit more fraught than I care to get into right this very second.

They lost Lapis’s hair while shielding Morga and Goshe from the Lunarians.

They gave away a piece of their leg so the Admirabilis would know they weren’t holding a grudge against Ventricosus

With that established, let’s talk about the pearl eye.  The moment they received it was practically an inverse of the established pattern. It was a transformation motivated by spite on Phos’s part, and for Aechmea, it was an opportunity to exert control over them.  Even the act of receiving the pearl eye made them sick, mysterious human particles notwithstanding.  The ensuing chapters after they received the pearl eye are, as I’m sure you’re all aware, a whole lot darker and meaner than what the story had been up to that point. If I had to draw a dividing line between the part of hnk that is simply melancholy, and the part that makes the reader feel like a frog in boiling water, I’d use Phos’s first trip to the moon to demarcate these two tones—and the symbol that heralded this descent into hell was the introduction of an unkind addition to Phos’s body.  

That brings us to the matter of their most recent loss.  Since it’s now apparent that they won’t be getting their other parts back, we can look back on the moment they lost those parts for good and see if it fits the previous pattern, and in my opinion, it does.  The reason Phos was in that situation was because they were making a last ditch effort to do right by everyone else, and take responsibility for their mistakes.  It was at this point that they mustered up the last bit of kindness and courage they still had in their heart.

But the loss of a given part is only one half of the equation, which begs the question: with what sentiment will Barbata give Phos their replacements?  Barbata has subtly given off the impression that he feels guilty about his role in the various atrocities the Lunarians have undertaken, and is disillusioned with Aechmea, but is as of yet unwilling to actually go against him.  If there’s ever going to be a point in the story in which he decides to do the right thing instead of just following orders, it’s now or never.  I’m counting on you, pasta man.  Follow your conscience for once!  Either way, whether Phos’s reconstruction ends up being an act of kindness on Barbata’s part, or simply another expression of Aechmea’s corruption is, in my opinion, a crucial distinction that will have ramifications for the future of Phos’s character arc.  Speaking of which, it now seems like Red Diamond is the most likely candidate for a replacement, since Padparadscha is busy being asleep on earth.

I’ve talked about how a character’s eyeballs and where they got them from symbolizes their worldview, broadly speaking.  This chapter seems to be a continuation of that.  Kongou shaped the gems’ worldview, which is symbolized by him giving them their eyes, Cairngorm’s devotion to Aechmea is accompanied by them adopting eyes that Aechmea made for them, during the time that Phos was trying to balance the needs of both the gems and the Lunarians, they had an eye from both Kongou and Aechmea, and now that Phos only has the single pearl eye left, they’re thinking with a one-track mind from a distinctly Lunarian perspective: that everything that gets in the way of their salvation needs to die.

I also find it interesting that Phos’s original material is mostly intact, and what they’ve lost are chunks of their legs and head.  It probably symbolizes something, but my brain is starting to leak out of my ears at this point, so I’m just going to remember it for later and see if the meaning becomes clearer in retrospect.

Regarding Phos’s alloy shaping itself into a lotus’s seedpod, my first reaction was that it was a rather ambivalent symbol to use in the context of Phos’s downfall.  On one hand, the seedpod only appears when the highly symbolic flower dies, but on the other hand, while the flower is the part of the plant to which a number of cultures have ascribed auspicious meanings like purity and renewal, it is the humble, unsightly seedpod that goes about the actual business of rebirth.  

But, as @rinboz pointed out in a post on the subject, it appears to be specifically evoking the image of an empty seedpod.  If that’s what Ichikawa is going for, then the meaning is unambiguously ominous, to put it mildly.

Lastly, I brought up in my previous essay that it was highly convenient that Phos happened to trip off the table at the last possible second, and in a manner so noisy that it woke the other gems, no less.  In this chapter, Phos lays the blame for their failure on the earth gems interfering… but that only happened because Phos made a racket.  I speculated that they may have subconsciously sabotaged themselves—it certainly wouldn’t be the first time.  I don’t know how likely that possibility is, but I think it’s one worth keeping in mind.

Well, that was heavy. But on a lighter note, I think it may be time for me to update the only good meta I’ve ever written, birdseki no kuni.  What should Phos 4.0 be?  I think this feral demigod of vengeance ought to be represented by a real apeshit bird, like an Australian magpie, or something.  This will require further deliberation.

[mahou-queen]

♡52 Weeks of Lolita Questionnaire♡

In a recent Lovely Lor video, Lor answered questions from Loliprompts’ questionnaire “52 weeks of lolita”. It seems like a fun list of questions and I thought I would answer them too~ ♡

1. What is your favorite brand, and why? What’s its history? ♡  I guess my favorite brand would have to be Angelic Pretty. I love a lot of other brands, but the majority of dresses in my wish list right now are Angelic Pretty. As for their history? I don’t really know haha, I guess I should research that a bit.

2. How would you describe lolita fashion to a curious person you met in passing? ♡ I always just say I am apart of a fashion club? People don’t generally require more than that but if they did I would probably tell them that it’s an alternative fashion based on Victorian fashion and we have a fashion club and we get dressed up and meet for tea and stuff.

3. What style do you think is the most underrated, and why? ♡ qi and wa lolita. I almost never see them, or see interest in them which is a shame because there are some really beautiful dresses out there that are suited for these styles.

4. What does the phrase “lolita lifestyle” mean to you, and do you, or would you like to, adhere to it? ♡ lolita lifestyle is when you try to bring lolita or lolita-esque aesthetics into every aspect of your life. Maybe wearing lolita every or most days, and having a very “loliable” home/room. I could never be a lifestyler because I have other fashion interests. Also lolita is not appropriate at my workplace.

5. What do you think constitutes lolita etiquette or good manners? ♡ I don’t believe there is any “lolita etiquette” I think you should just be yourself. Good manner are good manners, don’t be rude to your comm members, don’t dance on the tables at a tea party. But that’s just commonsense I don’t think there is a way to behave that is lolita.

6. Does your style change with the seasons, or do you dress the same and try to bear the cold/heat? ♡ I try, but admittedly I am awful at it. I try to keep berets in the cooler months, as well as long sleeves. BUT I’m a sucker for ankle socks and I wear them all year despite the cold and I do freeze my legs off at winter meets. 

7. Do you have a fashion role-model? What do you admire most about them? ♡ I actually have several! I will list them and their instagrams here: sleepyriri  - Her coords are so dreamy looking, very light floaty aesthetic which I love. She also has her own lolita brand! Le_verger_sucre - Her coords are so pink and princess-y. I find myself sharing her photos a lot. Fannyrosie - the classic lolita queen. Need I say more? Tokimeki.bunny - I love the cuteness of her coords. They always have a lot of extra elements and are so well balanced. She’s also really good at coordinating printed tights which I am awful at. Tsumikko - Lavender QUEEN! I love her use of aprons, layering, and color balancing. Very light, floaty vibes.  Milkcircus - Print QUEEN. Her use of prints and patterns absolutely inspires me. Coords are always very multi-dimensional  Cursed.Kaiser - They’re coords are honestly so cool, there’s a kind of drama in them that I really like. Darkxdelirium - She almost made me want honey cake with her impeccable coording skills. 

8. What are the top 10 things you love most about lolita? Can you also compile a list of things you hate? ♡ I don’t think I can come up with 10 but I’ll do my best. ♡ Loves: The community aspect, the ability to reclaim my femininity through lolita, the creativity that goes into building coords, crafting to make one of a kind pieces, being able to feel beautiful without being “sexy”, having a hobby to focus on when I need something to escape to.

♡ Hates: Second-hand market price fluctuation, brands still releasing dresses with a max 96cm bust, buying petticoats, storing my stuff (especially purses), brands who charge astronomical prices for low quality materials (AP purses, Q-pot jewelry, etc).

9. How strict are you in applying the rules to yourself? To others? ♡  I am pretty strict on myself. For a long time I was terrified to be seen as ita. I was even afraid to wear bodyline for fear of being ”ita” even though my coord was good. These days I am less strict on myself and worry much less about these things, but I still struggle to get out of the strict mindset from time to time. others? I love experimentation even if I am afraid to do so so I am really not too strict on others, if it works, it works, and I am not going to criticize anyone. 

10. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever incorporated into a coord, or the weirdest material you’ve ever worn? ♡ The weirdest thing I think I have ever worn in a coord were a pair of korilakkuma bell earrings. As you can imagine, bells on your ears? not great.

11. What’s the story behind your discovery of lolita fashion? ♡ When I was a senior in high school, a new girl started attending my school. She wore fairy kei and sweet lolita to school. We became friends through art class and eventually she ended up teaching me about the fashion. She sold me my first dress, and later my first brand piece. I am really glad to have met her and to have been exposed to lolita. You can follow her on instagram here

12. What is the one item that you’ve owned the longest? ♡ I still own my very first dress I got in 2012. Bodyline Squirrel Party. However, I am planning to sell it since I’ve worn it in everyway I can think of.

13. Do you think lolita is only about clothes, or does it also encompass a certain attitude or mindset? ♡ Lolita is about the fashion. All kinds of people are lolitas and they like it or wear it for different reasons. 

14. Have you ever decorated a room or other space (car?) with lolita aesthetics in mind? ♡ My old bedroom used to be very “kawaii”. I love pink so my car stuff, my desk, as much as I can get away with, is pink. 

15. Is it possible to be too obsessed with lolita? ♡ If lolita is interfering with your ability to pay your bills, or to be happy, or to focus on school or work or family then you should probably pull back. Some people do get very absorbed by things and in those cases it can become too much.

16. What are you favorite and least favorite trends? Do you think it’s important to follow them, or to do as you like regardless of them? ♡ My favorite trend ever is the chiffon half blouse. So comfortable, affordable, light, cute, and much more size inclusive. Least favorite trend? mis-matched shoes from the 2010 era. I like my shoes to get equal wear. I think these days more than ever, you can really just do whatever you want. Wear the fashion is right now is like anything goes which I think is great,

17. How do you define “lolita cosplay” and how do you feel about it? ♡ Lolita cosplay is stupid. sorry

18. Are there other fashions that you wear regularly, or are you an everyday lolita? ♡ I don't wear other street fashions anymore. I used to wear fairy kei and himekaji but these days I just dress regular outside of lolita.

19. Do you look for bargains to save as much money as possible, or are you willing to make sacrifices for high-quality products? ♡ I try to find the best prices when applicable but if I am in love with something I’ll do what I have to do.

20. When was the last time you wore lolita, and what did you do that day? If you wear it daily, when was the last time you went OTT or extra-fancy? ♡ The last time I wore lolita was in April lmao. For a virtual meet-up with my comm.

21. If you were to combine lolita fashion with an unrelated style or theme, what would your new creation be? ♡uhhhh I honestly have no idea at all. 

22. What is your favorite accessory, and why is it your favorite? ♡ I have 2, 2-way bow clips from back when bodyline had a massive “sundries” section. They're no longer available and haven't been for a long time. I am really glad I got them, I wish I had bought more sundries when that section was still there.

23. What’s your favorite online lolita community or forum? Are there any that you avoid?  ♡ I don’t have a favorite tbh. I have never been on 4chan and I never will be.

24. What is your favorite theme (e.g. school loli, pirate loli, nurse loli) or motif (e.g. deer, music notes, stars/constellations)? ♡ black and gold stars! Valentines day! fruits! gingham!

25. Is there any music that you associate with lolita? ♡ orange caramel lol

26. Will you ever be too old for lolita? ♡  never

27. Do you enjoy sewing? Why or why not? ♡ I don’t know how to sew :(

28. How does your location affect your involvement in the local lolita community? Would you like to move elsewhere to be closer, or perhaps farther away? ♡ I drive about 1.5 hours for meetups because that’s the closest active comm. I do not mind so much. I’d like to maybe be closer.

29. Does your sleepwear resemble lolita at all? ♡  not at all. I sleep in oversized t-shirts

30. Can you admit to any unpopular opinions regarding lolita? ♡ I hate peeking bloomers. I’m sorry :(

31. How do you feel about Visual kei or Jrock, and do you feel it’s related to lolita, or not? ♡ Love it, and absolutely. Visual Kei is like lolitas relative. 

32. Whether or not you wear them (looking at you, Ouji), do you prefer the look of skirts, JSKs, and OPs with or without prints? ♡ I like both, but these days I am appreciating non-printed items more.

33. How has your style evolved over time? ♡ It hasn't really, just gotten more refined. 

34. If applicable, what other communities do you belong to? What other identities do you adopt? ♡ I’m queer, so the LGBTQ community is important to me.

35. What are your favorite shoes to wear with your style, or what’s your dream pair? ♡ I love heels. I do not like flat shoes because I like to elongate my legs. I don’t have a dream pair.

36. Would you, or have you ever, dressed your pets in lolita? ♡ lol I’d try but I don't think it would work.

37. How do you feel about people who wear lolita for Halloween? Does it depend on whether that person is already a lolita? ♡ Wearing lolita for Halloween as a lolita is fine, but wearing it as a costume is kind of meh.

38. Excluding fashion shows, what’s the most amount of outfits you’ve ever worn in a day? ♡ just 1 haha

39. What’s your worst lolita horror story? ♡  I don’t really have any. I one time went with some of my college friends to a con and I left my dorm building in full sweet early in the morning. I was afraid my dormmates would see me cause I did not want to explain but luckily no one was awake and I made it to the van unscathed. 

40. Do you like sweets? If so, what’s your favorite dessert? ♡ I love angel food cake 

41. Do you have any beauty products, health routines, or special diet to keep you at your best? ♡ I take co-q-10 for my eczema, I like laneige lip sleeping mask, especially in the winter.

42. What were the best and worst meetups you’ve hosted? If you haven’t hosted, would you like to someday? ♡ I wanted to host a garden meet this summer but covid ruined that. Maybe next year.

43. Who is your favorite artist? If not famous for lolita art, do you think they have lolita appeal? ♡ I love a lot of artists, some of them I think are lolita-adjacent because their style is kawaii. I’ll list some here: jisaaaa!  ubokhee MISOART_ meowwniz gojio_ hanavbara Fancy Surprise Arcade Healer Yurie Sekiya and many many more. Go stalk my following on instagram for lots of kawaii artists.

44. How do you feel about wigs? Do you wear any, or style your natural hair? ♡ I used to wear wigs, but my hair is too long now so I use my natural hair with fake bangs.

45. What’s your favorite animal motif? ♡ bears?

46. Have you ever visited a brand’s shop/boutique? If so, what was your reaction? If not, what shop would you most like to visit? ♡ I want to visit AP San Francisco 

47. Do you think posting photos of your coord online is a crucial part of belonging to the community? ♡ YES, it’s how we all stay connected and inspired 

48. How has the lolita community changed since you became a part of it? Where do you see lolita heading in the future in terms of community and networking? ♡ I think it’s become way more accepting and accessible. When I got into lolita there were virtually no legit resellers, the community was entirely on livejournal, buying second hand was a nightmare. Buying anything! was a nightmare. There was so much stress around looking “ita”, and the superiority of brand. These days its just not like that. So much amazing taobao brands have really helped even the field for lolita. We have so much more access to the clothes, the community, everything. It’s great. I only see it getting better as years go on.

49. What advice would you give someone who is nervous about starting lolita? Or do you think they should learn their own lessons? ♡ I think too many lolitas today rely on seasoned lolitas to tell them everything. I would say, go watch lovely lor, read @lolita-tips and look at other peoples coordinates. Lolita Tips tumblr taught me basically everything I know back in the day and it a wealth of info and concrit. Part of what makes the lolita journey so great is the research, the learning, the mistakes. You don’t wanna be like someone else, you wanna be you. So you really need to do the work yourself so you can put your personal flair into the fashion. That’s when it’s at its best. 

50. What’s your dream dress/garment? Is it a faraway goal or have you obtained it? ♡ My dream dress was AP sweetie violet jsk in lavender. Which I got in 2019. My new dream dress is AP rose tea garden jsk in navy. It’ll probably be a while before I can afford to buy one.

51. How do you feel about the stereotype that lolitas are full of drama? What’s the worst drama you’ve ever witnessed or been involved in? ♡ I think any and all groups of people are bound to have drama. I don’t believe that’s specific to lolita at all. I personally have not been involved in any lolita drama.

52. Are you loyal to any particular makeup brands? ♡ I am very particular about my makeup because I do not like to use certain ingredients. I really like Pacifica. But I also like some Korean brands like The Saem, MISSHA, and TonyMoly.

This was super long but I had fun answering all the questions. Have you done this questionnaire? I’d love to see your answers~

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #433

Top Ten Things I Want from Xbox Series X

June is Games Month here at David’s Top Tens! That’s right, all month long we’re exploring the majesty of what we all used to call “computer games” before we became too cool. That’s because it’s the time of year when huge multinationals tantalise us with pre-rendered cinematics showcasing gaming experiences utterly divorced from what we’ll get to play. Even in this Time of Crisis (as opposed to a Time Crisis), games companies are still Touting Their Wares, and as such, I am brimming with fanboy fervour, tantalised at the prospect of Gaming Yet to Come. This week alone has seen sexy new videos from the likes of EA, Pokémon, and Sony – whose PlayStation 5 reveal gave us the best glimpse yet at exactly what the next generation could look like. I was impressed; although there wasn’t too much in the way of radically new concepts or whatever, games looked good, with plenty of sexy, shiny new bells and whistles, and it looked like environments will be bigger, more fluid, and more reactive than ever before. Plus seeing the ray-tracing in Ratchet and Clank: Rift Apart gave me serious “Quake II running on a 3D accelerator card” vibes. Suddenly I was sixteen again, getting all sticky-knickered over texture filtering and coloured lightning.

It was great.

However, I’m pretty much an Xbox-first gamer; mostly, I suppose, due to inertia, having gotten used now to how an Xbox works, to the point where a PlayStation always feels a little alien (still wanna play The Last of Us Part II, though). I’m more of a fan of the Xbox game franchises – the main reason I bought an original Xbox in the first place (way back in 2001) was to play Halo: Combat Evolved, and because of the promise of Fable. This love of Xbox games has only grown with the acquisition of Rare (despite the slight misstep of Perfect Dark Zero) and the release of games like Crackdown, Gears, and Forza Horizon. So as much as I try to be open-minded – and certainly I try to avoid any kind of partisan mud-slinging – I guess I’m pretty much in the tank for Xbox. As such, I’m phenomenally excited for Xbox Series X. I got an Xbox One at launch, and despite all of the hullaballoo and criticism, I’ve always really liked it. I think it’s kind of struggled compared to its predecessors (cult favourite OG Xbox and revolutionary Xbox 360), and hasn’t quite had the era-defining games that both of those enjoyed. All that being said, though, I’ve had loads of fun with it, and so have my wife and kids. But I’ve stuck with the same machine all these years, never upgrading to the more streamlined Xbox One S or the super-duper-sexy Xbox One X. So when I do upgrade, I think the jump will be far more noticeable than someone who’s been enjoying Red Dead Redemption 2 or Gears 5 on a 4K display; it should really feel like a new generation. And that’s before we get to all of the traced rays and other lovely gubbins.  

Anyway, when it’s this time of year, I tend to do a semi-comical “E3 predictions” list, followed by a “Stuff I liked at E3” list. Obviously E3 isn’t really happening, but these other online game reveals are, and given my aforementioned excitement over Series X – and Microsoft’s upcoming and much-anticipated reveal of first-party titles – I thought I’d divert my thoughts to what I want to see on the new console. However, unlike the traditional E3 predictions of yore, I’m going to look at what I’d like from the console rather than what games I’d like to see. Partly that’s because these announcement videos are getting spread so far and wide that it’s hard to keep track of what’s been revealed or when we’re likely to see something; partly it’s because we already know quite a few Xbox games that are coming out; and partly because the list would just degenerate into older franchises I want to see come back round again. Plus, with Crackdown 3 having already happened, a new Fable more-or-less an open secret, and a new Perfect Dark being very heavily rumoured, my go-to “wants” are getting thin on the ground. Perhaps Tim Schafer can bring his old LucasArts classics to the Xbox next year…? Whatever, this time around, I’m looking at that big black box and thinking about what features and design elements I’d like to see. What could be improved from how the Xbox One works? How would I like Microsoft to leverage their assets – from the faster SSD to the power of Project xCloud? Basically, what do I want Xbox Series X to be like, outside from glittering reflections on Master Chief’s shiny armour?

Streamlined, faster dashboard: now they’ve already said that the Xbox Series X dash will be effectively identical to the Xbox One dash, which is a trifle disappointing, but I hope that doesn’t mean that both systems can’t get an improved dashboard before Christmas. At the moment things are a bit fiddly, and I’d like to use the improved SSD to mean seamless transitions from page to page. Make it super-easy to get to your game library. Allow more customisation of the landing page. How about allowing us to resize icons, like on Windows 10? Don’t have quite so many obscure categories clogging up the front page. Use the shoulder buttons to hop between sections. Make it more about the games I can play rather than connectivity, shopping, or chatting. Stuff like that.

Integrated streaming: with Project xCloud on the (official) horizon, hopefully we can integrate that service into how the Xbox works. How’s about letting us stream demos straight from the store? Or stream games while they install/download? Or the option to stream any game we own rather than play it from the console? Or cast games from console to phone, or tablet, or PC, so we can enjoy the benefits of Series X hardware in the palm of our hands?

Discless play: teased then withdrawn from the Xbox One launch as it require the internet to check, I hope this can make a belated return. I like physical media, but I also like not having to get off the couch to change discs. I’d be very willing to accept an always-on connection as the price for playing a game without the disc in. If they could find some way to implement this and keep everyone happy, I’d be delighted.

Improved Guide menu: the best thing about the Xbox 360 interface was the Guide menu, which – certainly by the end of the generation – basically offered you full console functionality from one simple pause-button menu. The One Guide has been refined but could go further. Offer instant access to all our games, and all the system settings. Let us seamlessly jump from one thing to another and back again. Let us view all our captures quickly and easily. And let us go through game-by-game and see all our achievements, cycling through their related imagery. Basically, make it more like the 360, please.

Standardised settings: another amazing thing the 360 did that was totally walked back for the One is the idea of having a standardised range of settings that were applied across your entire profile. So if you want to invert your Y-axis, you tick one box, then all games are inverted. This was fantastic, and Microsoft were daft for undoing it. Make it good again! You have the power!

Refined subscription services: I think Game Pass is the future of Xbox, and I think xCloud is the future of Game Pass. This seems fairly obvious to me. I don’t know how much money Microsoft makes from Game Pass, but the way they’re leveraging their entire gaming strategy around it suggests that it’s a much stronger money-spinner for them than the traditional console market. I just hope that eventually the myriad Xbox subscriptions can be refined. Perhaps “Gold” as we understand it could be retired, replaced with a simple three-tier monthly sub, similar to Netflix; Game Pass Bronze (limited multiplayer, limited ability to download games from the library); Silver (Gold and Game Pass as we understand it, plus limited streaming), and Gold (all the games plus full streaming of everything)? This would, hopefully, mean we could get some of the benefits at a reduced cost (say, a fiver a month), and the “free” games in Game Pass would offset the loss of Games With Gold, perhaps.

Switch app: simply put, this would be cool: the ability to stream Xbox games on a Switch. Nothing more to it than that, really; the Switch form factor and controls would lend themselves to the Xbox experience effortlessly, and it’d mean I could continue my Halo campaign whilst my wife hogs the Xbox with Stardew Valley again.

Tangible differences between generations: on the one hand, I really applaud Microsoft’s blended approach to console generations. Smart Delivery, Backwards Compatibility, and Play Anywhere combine to form a very consumer-friendly approach; if you a buy a game now, you’re more-or-less guaranteed the best possible version come the Series X launch in November (or whenever). The downside to this, however, is a slight nagging feeling that we’re not going to see the best that the console can do; it’s fair enough that the Xbox One and Series X versions of Halo Infinite are, to all intents and purposes, on the same disc, and your progress and achievements carry over; but does this not mean that, aside from improvements in graphics and loading times, the Series X version is functionally identical? Is it just like upgrading a graphics card? Ratchet and Clank boasted some nifty dimension-hopping technology that presumably is a core part of the gameplay and looked like something that maybe wasn’t possible this gen; will Xbox owners miss out on features like that? If Series X could, say, give us a new Fable that presented as one continuous open world with no “hubs” or separated areas or loading, with some kind of magical traversal that allowed us to rocket across the landscape on a broomstick or whatever, would that not be handicapped by having to carry save game data over from the inevitable Xbox One version? Basically, I’m fascinated by how it’s going to work, but I hope we’re not going to end up slightly short-changed from a featureset point of view.

New hardware: not just the Series X itself, obviously; and not even the strongly-rumoured “Series S” either. I mean other bits and bobs. As they’ve already shown us the controller, I can’t realistically wish for one that had a microphone in it, but a tiny mic attachment maybe? Alongside the obvious headset. I wanna talk to the machine, basically; it was the one genuine benefit of Kinect. Also: a new, improved, media remote. A wireless mouse and keyboard, or some kind of lap-based hybrid. A new camera, not as invasive or scary as Kinect, just so we can use the Xbox to Skype people. And y’know what? VR support. Doesn’t have to be unique, bespoke headsets; just let us use PC ones, and let developers support VR in Xbox games. I don’t have the money or space to upgrade my laptop to be VR-ready, but if I had a PlayStation you can be damn sure I’d have PSVR. Half-Life: Alyx might be a pipe dream, but can I play Star Wars Squadrons at least?

Don’t bankrupt me: yeah, this. I’m cautiously optimistic that Microsoft will at least attempt to make this manageable; the recent rumour that it’d sell for $399 was much appreciated even if I think it’s supremely unlikely, especially if Lockheart/Series S is a thing. With Sony giving out noises that the PS5 will be a “good value” proposition rather than cheap, I think MS will strongly attempt to undercut them, but also not feel the need to go stupidly low. So please, Microsoft: $450, top end. Please don’t give us a $499 box. I’m already gonna be forking out for a new TV so I’d appreciate if I could keep the whole cost. For what it’s worth, I think the prices of all the new consoles will be: PS5 $499; XSX $449; PS5 DE $399; XSS $299. There you go: I managed to slip in an E3 prediction right at the very end. Prove me wrong, guys!

Phew, that was another epic one. But it was fun. I guess it’s weird to try to talk about the feel of a console without having used it. There are things I’d like improving with the look and feel of Xbox, but it’s hard to quantify it; stuff that’s clunky on a daily basis. And I’m probably an edge case anyway: someone with a huge interest in games and gaming, but who’s not very interested in multiplayer, and who – because of time and money but mostly time – rarely plays new releases, and takes ages to complete a game. But anyway. I’m dead excited about the Xbox Series X, and I can’t wait to hear more.

[dansnaturepictures]

My photos that I’ve chosen to go on my 2021 wildlife calendar: Cover & January-September with some thoughts on each of the photos 

Just over a month ago I tweeted the lineup of photos that I’ve taken that I’ve chosen to go on my 2021 wildlife photos calendar. To those who don’t know I make two calendars for personal use and as my Christmas present each year, one from my wildlife photos another from my landscape and other outdoor photos. I make the calendars in August or September each year and leave it up to my family after that to order the calendars via the website we use, wrap up at the appropriate time etc. Its evolved that I finalise and reveal on social media the lineups for these between late April and June. There are many reasons for this and a key one being the hot, busy and long evenings/weekend mornings of summer are not a great time to be sat at my laptop choosing photos and looking at quality comparisons between photos I’ve taken. I wouldn’t want to be in a position of choosing them in September as I’d just worry if certain things come up I may not be able to get the calendars chosen in the right time frame for them to be made in time for Christmas. With other things happening in the build up to Christmas for me and the time between September and Christmas flying by every year it seems it just makes sense to get the calendar line up choosing done and dusted in the spring for them to be made in late summer/autumn and ordered in time to be my Christmas presents. 

That does then mean the photos I have chose from are any I took within about a year from spring to spring. So for example, the photos in contention for my 2021 calendars were ones I took from spring 2019 until spring 2020. I now operate a system of variety quotas of what types of pictures I want within the 13 pictures (cover and one for each month) of mine making the calendar. As part of that, using the example of my 2021 calendars, five photos on each calendar must have been taken in 2019 and five photos on each calendar must have been taken in 2020. This just makes it fair to ensure both years’ worth of photos that have fed into my selection process are represented on the calendar. So below are my Cover and January-September photos on this calendar, ordered in appearance in this photoset by their month. Below I shall say what and where each one is, when it was taken and a little bit about why I was happy to take it/its journey onto my calendar. 

I must confess I wrote this up the day after I finalised this calendar line up in late April (the choosing was sped up a little by the lockdown this year and the time I had on my hands because of that and with the amount of photos I take really increasing in 2019 and 2020 to previous years I had much higher amounts of photos to choose from so felt I had to really progress my choosing a lot in April to get it all done in time) 

Cover: One of my favourite birds the Guillemot on Staple Island, Farne Islands, Northumberland, taken June 2019 

Another reason I chose the calendar final lineups about now is because often in June we have our main holiday for the year which very often involves many photos with lots of wildlife up close and top views so for both calendars I don’t want them to be swamped by one holiday’s photos to give lots of photos at local and further afield places a chance. That can easily happen if when doing the final choosing I am still within the buzz of the many holiday photos not long after they were taken, so photos from a holiday in June 2019 say having to wait until the year after next for their chances to be on a calendar allows me to refine the choices and identify what was my strongest photos from that trip. That being said, six photos from my Northumberland holiday for the Farne Islands last June have made this calendar. This is because it was one of my greatest photography weeks ever, and this picture of a Guillemot sums up the sorts of once in a blue moon opportunities I had to take these types of close up and intimate photos with my very favourite creatures. I like how this one looks good in the sun bringing out the Guillemot’s brilliant colours. Its not only a Guillemot but a bridled one too with the ring and mark around the eye not something too common on coasts down here but there were many in Northumberland’s colonies so I was proud I could capture this in this way. When deciding my cover if felt natural to put a Northumberland one there with many of them on the calendar only one could actually represent the month they were taken in June and this felt like a natural photo to be the face of this calendar for me. 

January: Bewick’s Swan, WWT Slimbridge in Gloucestershire taken in January 2020 

The Slimbridge trip away to start this year also features multiple times on this calendar, this Bewick’s Swan photo taken on my birthday was one I was so proud of and brings a great closeup but not really needing sun to make it memorable vibe. 

February: Woodpigeon, WWT Slimbridge, taken January 2020

Features of the calendars I’ve made for wildlife the last couple of years have been handing places to photos of species that have never featured on my calendars before; Fox, Arctic Tern and Green Hairstreak among this year’s examples. But so also is Woodpigeon, a species I’ve photographed so much over the last couple of years and this one was such a memorable one for me I really like the colours especially the purple chest feathers and I think this one will look good printed. Common species can make what I feel are strong photos too.

March: Robin, Blashford Lakes, Hampshire, taken in March 2020 

An obvious choice for the calendar. At the time of writing this its without doubt the most pleasing photo in my view that I’ve taken with my new camera so far that I got in January. I’ve rarely taken photos like this for detail and it captures such an intimate moment with an iconic species. It was literally the first photo on the calendar that was taken in 2020 when the time was right to start to selections I knew it was going on. 

April: Green Hairstreak, Magdalen Hill, Hampshire, taken April 2020 

This photo is a week old as I write this and its taken me by storm to reach this calendar within seven days of being taken. Yes the timing was good with me into the very final stages of getting this lineup at this point, but I had to be happy enough with it for it to make it. Its one of the best butterfly pictures I’ve ever taken I think, like the Robin without doubt right now the best butterfly photo or photo all together that I’ve taken with my new macro lens that I also got in January. It sums up perfectly the detail I can get with this macro lens and type of picture I want to take with it. It displaced provisionally qualified photos to get on this calendar which shows how much I love it. 

May: Another of my favourite birds the Razorbill on the Farne Islands, Northumberland taken June 2019 

This was a dark horse as one of the unsung photos of my big Northumberland seabird trip. However in the selecting at all the stages I just appreciated how much I liked this photo and it just seemed to look stronger and stronger to me every time I looked at it, a personal choice I was glad I could make. 

June: Arctic Tern, Inner Farne, Farne Islands, Northumberland from June 2019 

Compared to trips to Skomer Island and Bempton Cliffs which have had many photos get onto the calendars they fed into in previous years the Farnes had something different, the terns. These Arctic Terns the standout bit of the trip walking through the colony and having them divebomb you so I just really wanted to include an Arctic Tern photo from that trip in this calendar if I could as I knew many of the photos from that time away would be candidates. This one got there on quality merit regardless of its species I feel. But it was another dark horse, at the time of the trip I did not pick this out as my favourite Arctic Tern photo of the trip of the lovely extensive set I took of this a new bird for me at the time on two visits to Inner Farne where the colony is. It soon became apparent it was though as I chose it for my “4 of my favourite ....” (pictures in categories tweets) on my Twitter Dans_Pictures in 2019 in December in a special unqique feature of the year category about the seabirds on that trip and I still loved it enough to carry it onto the calendar for next year. 

July: Brown Argus butterfly, Lakeside Country Park, Hampshire, taken in July 2019

One of my quotas as a big chunk of my wildlife photography is I must have at least one butterfly on the calendar. I am proud this one remained, despite very nearly missing out once the Green Hairstreak was on the scene (another early 2020 butterfly picture had to make way in the end), to represent my butterfly pictures of 2019 which were taken during my greatest ever butterfly year with more species seen than I ever did etc. This is another new species for one of my calendars this lovely butterfly I am getting to really like the last few years. It was one of a batch of my very favourite butterfly pictures taken last year in terms of quality and symbolised one of my best butterfly moments of 2019 as I saw it during a booming ‘Big Butterfly Count’ survey for Butterfly Conservation one Saturday morning. This photo holds so many memories of that summer day which is perfect for a calendar for me I feel. The lockdown has led to many of my strongest photos being so locally to me taken and this is an example of one I took locally under normal circumstances last year.

August: Another of my favourite birds the Kittiwake at Seahouses, Northumberland from June 2019 

This is a second calendar of mine in a row for wildlife to include a Kittiwake after a Bempton Cliffs one taken in 2018 made my 2020 wildlife calendar (It got June as its month so today I turned over the calendar to see it in fact!). But this Kittiwake picture had to be on my calendar for one simple reason beyond everything else, of the photos I took between spring 2019 and spring 2020 this was what I felt was the best one of a bird in flight out of a strong field I must say. I like flying bird photos so much I say at least one must appear on the calendar. So sometimes putting aside species that appeared here and there on past calendars of mine it really is that simple to pick pictures. This photo shows an integral part of the journey I am on really getting to love and know this favourite bird of mine more and more over the last few years. It couldn’t be on the month for the one it was taken as the Arctic Tern took June but I just had to have it for August with that blue sky even if you might not see one that month as its so summery. 

September: Fox at Titchfield Haven in Hampshire taken in September 2019 

Another easy choice for the calendar. This was one of my most magical moments in wildlife watching and photography and the photo was that photo of the species that I might never match again. I just longed for a photo and a chance to be so close to this species I scrambled to get the right lens on to get the photo when the moment came my first Fox of 2019 in fact with the Fox looking right in at us in the hide such an intimate moment with a wonderful species and I managed it, on a variable day for weather that patch of early autumnal sun just came out at the right moment to set this picture up well. With this one I admit there are shortcomings maybe bits of the photo that could have been done better but its one of those I get that I overlook them and I just get them on the lineup this was among the first few photos I chose to go on because I want to see it printed. 

In half an hour I do a post with the photos on this calendar for October, November and December and introduce five reserve photos that didn’t quite make the calendar in case I need them. 

[stuffedandfilled]

Happy Birthday to me,

I guess.

I honestly don’t care too much about it. Over the years, birthdays have become less and less special and 26th of April feels like just another day. If anything, I’d like to use my birthday as a check point, a time when I can reflect upon everything that have happened since last year, my last birthday.

I’m not sure if I can say that I am a different person now. Maybe I have changed since last year. I have gone through a lot, some were silly, some were pretty and some still make me cry at night sometimes. Now I see the world a little differently and I have different opinions and feelings towards certain things. I look slightly different too as I wear braces now and I dyed my hair red even though the colour is only visible in broad daylight. I guess in those sense I am a different person.

However, many also remain the same. I’m still struggling with the same thing, fighting the same old battles in my head along with the new ones. I still throw that good old pity-party once in a while despite my conscious effort to shoo the thoughts away as soon as they invade my mind. The things that scared me a year ago still scare me now, the things I hated then, I still hate them now. I still fall into the familiar embrace of solitude and isolation whenever I’m in crisis. On a lighter note, I still love the colour yellow and I still listen to Stevie Wonder when I feel like I need a little dose of joy. If the last time you saw me was last year, you would still find me as the same person I was a year ago.

If I’m being honest, I don’t think anyone would change into a different person in a year, or in any point in their lives. Some things need years or decades to soften and bend, and other things won’t even budge no matter how much pressure you put on them. Moreover, I don’t even think change is a perfect word to describe the process and outcome of our journeys. A budding lily won’t bloom into a daisy. You might end up in a completely different shape but you are still the same entity deep in your core. Whatever that means.

If I had to pick a word (or two), the more befitting words would be grow and evolve. You refine yourself in every step that you take and mature into something better, the best version of you at that time. If you’re still far from satisfied with where and what you are at this moment, you don’t have to be overly grim about it because you still have a long way to go to keep growing and evolving. You are nowhere near the finish line, so keep walking.

I know things are only going to get harder and more complicated. I’ll face new problems and new kinds of pain. I’ll find happiness in new places. I’ll get my values challenged and I will have to redefine my definition of right and wrong over and over again. It’s going to get hard but I’ll get through that too. I have to. Human are excellent when it comes to adaptation. We thrive during hard times and we’ll develop a sense of appreciation and softness when things are easier. We’ll be okay. You and I. Also, pat yourself on the back because it wasn’t easy either in the past and yet here you are against all odds.

Lastly, I’d like to say happy birthday to me again for the sake of tradition, sentimentality and as a gesture of sheer gratitude because maybe birthday does mean something. It’s a lovely Sunday today. I baked a cake for my birthday, a coffee cake. My mother wasn’t really a fan of the frosting she said it was too limey but I think it tasted okay(jk, I forced everyone to eat it anyway even if they found it not quite palatable). So, it’s safe to say that my cake wasn’t a total failure. Today was the first birthday that I got to celebrate with the presence of all my family, thanks to #WFH yay! I am grateful for all the messages and calls I received from my friends and family, they are heart-warming and I’d like to think at least they care enough to want to go through all the trouble of curating long, heartfelt messages. I also received wonderful surprises from two of my best friends which still leave me feeling all mushy inside. I am grateful for the company I am having (both online and offline), they are all blessings and I love them so much. As for my wishes, I’d like to keep them to myself and mention them only in a very private conversation between me and the one I trust my life with. Have a lovely week, y’all!

[breathe-smiles]

pt iii. points of improvement

i’ve been having some trouble figuring out how exactly to go about this next chapter of growth in my life. i’m attempting to let loose a little more, take things as they come and take them constructively, but easy. there’s definitely advantages in formulaically guiding your growth, knowing specifically what you want and trying to create a way to get it. this is what i’m used to; this is what i know how to do. but somehow, i feel intuitively that i’m currently in for growth that’s spontaneous.

i’m 18 now and it’s 2020. i’m starting my second semester of college. i didn’t expect to be where i am, mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. i love being in control, but i am oddly finding comfort at the moment in letting go of that control and floating. i want to be shown realms i’ve never seen before and meet people i didn’t know could exist. i want to be challenged to think outside of what i know and grow in ways i don’t expect to. it’s really important to me to know what i want. but instead of solidifying my goals and paving my path right in this moment, i want this period to uncover to me what i really want. i don’t have a tangible outline of my future, but i’m excited for the journey of creating one. and i know through it, i’ll learn things i never even thought i needed to know.

everyday, i continue finding my truth. i constantly question the things i think, say, and do, in order to grasp a deeper understanding of why i am the way i am. i have trouble compromising absolute authenticity; i always need to be true to me. sometimes, i have to think twice and revise impulsive comments or thoughts, or make changes to my behavior, because i don’t feel like i’m upholding myself genuinely. it matters a lot to me that i am honest, real, and sincere. those are the things i value the most.

and so, despite being excited to free-spiritedly discover, roam, live, and grow, i have to keep in mind that there are things i have learned and noticed in the past couple of months that do still matter and do hold true to me. living with my head in the clouds, running around my new universe that’s doubled in size, and letting myself go instead of holding on tightly, i realized that i can get caught up in a multitude of convoluted things that don’t necessarily represent me and aren’t necessarily important to me. the theme of my life right now is to be free and feel okay being free, discovering and uncovering things instead of looking for them. but remembering to bring myself back down to earth is the only way not to lose myself in the process, or become somebody i’m not. i have to stay grounded and committed to who i am, because that is so important to me (and because i know i can). i am capable of simply evolving into a more refined version of my core self, even if, at the same time, i flip my world upside down, change how i live and interact with society, and reorient my aspirations and dreams.

that being said, i haven’t been completely myself in the past couple of months. and i didn’t hold myself to my usual standards of being myself because it had been first semester freshman year of college. this was a transition period that i needed to give myself. but needless to say, i could’ve done better. maybe i didn’t do as much mental preparation as i should’ve, because it was a fucking rollercoaster. i fluctuated from having some of my highest highs to lows that i forgot could exist and back. and for the first time in a long while, i didn’t feel in control, like i had no grasp at all on my mental instability. one minute i’d feel on top of the world and the next i’d be falling apart. i was so unsure of what was good for me and what was bad. i just took things as they came and let them hit me like a truck.

my hopes for winter break were to truly process and regain my ability to be in control. my time at home was meant to be therapeutic, to remember who i was before i left and all the things that i ran away from. now that i feel like i’ve done that, it’s clear that lots of things have to change for me to do better. these are parts of me that are points of improvement, crucial pieces that make me up that i’ve let loose these past couple of months. this is me regaining me.

i. self

personality reform is hard. most of the time, you know who you are and you’re sure about it. so, when you try to revert to staying true to you, it feels like mere readjusting. other times, you hope you haven’t already lost bits of yourself in flux.

i’ve been primarily working on my patience and teamwork abilities in the past year, as well as how i deal with setbacks and results that i don’t expect to receive. these things have only gotten better and better, which i am happy about. i’ve been able to continuously push my threshold for tolerance and navigate the dynamics of the different teams i’ve become a part of.

the main thing i’ve noticed first semester is that i’ve lost a little bit of my down to earth-ness - and it’s weird to say that because being down to earth is something i value so much. the person i project to others, especially to people that don’t already know me like the back of their hands, is more intimidating and intense than ever before. maybe this is a product of my found confidence, or maybe a continuation of my ability to have a conversation. i’m no longer shy and that’s apparent now. i stopped being hyper self-conscious and stopped caring so much about what people thought of me. on one hand, i’d categorize that as a strength of mine. on the other, it’s led to more oversharing than i’d like, a lot less consciousness of what i appear to be like.

social media is also once again playing a role in this. being in la has definitely made me more aware of who i am materially (which i’ve come to appreciate as a good thing, even though it’s simply a lifestyle i don’t really understand). aside from trying to create a pretty instagram feed, i’ve also gotten into the habit of oversharing on my finstas. not that i mind keeping those close to me updated. i just find difficulty constructively solving my own problems when i externalize them instead of internalize them - and that’s something i have to keep in mind.

i guess what i’m saying is that i need to relearn how to project the person i want to project. people only need to see so much. and that much for me, is not a lot.

ii. professional life + extracurriculars

academically, i’m impressed by how well i managed to do. i got a 3.9 gpa, which entails straight As and one A-. i didn’t even know you couldn’t get A+s. the point of improvement, however, is that i didn’t throw myself 100% into my work. i wasn’t doing the most i could do. i hadn’t paid attention every time i should’ve. even though it doesn’t seem to matter much grade-report-wise, it matters to me that i wasn’t giving it my all.

the other thing is my health. my physical and mental health are tied, and i seemed to let that slide. fencing practice hurt so badly, but i knew how rewarding it’d be. creating reasons to skip practice made me feel unworthy of taking on the sport in the first place. in addition, i went to the gym maybe once in the very beginning of the semester. my body doesn’t look all that different per se, but it definitely doesn’t feel good perpetuating the inactivity. now that i’m back on my game, i remember just how much a little activity could do to clear my head.

the last thing is that i need to do more things that help me grapple with my future career paths. how do i integrate my interests to ultimately do something that i truly love? i guess i’m still seeking out extracurriculars that help me find this meaning; i guess i’m still learning.

iii. society

i have never felt as introverted as i have in college (and you’d really expect the opposite). what i’ve learned is you really can’t escape people on campus. you’re living with other college students, constantly surrounded by other college students, and inclined to interact with other college students. having complete alone time is almost impossible, unless you make the effort to leave campus.

in all honesty, i quite like the social aspect of college. this environment is an aspect of college i was really looking forward to. but i’ve also had to reevaluate how much time to myself i really need, what i say to invitations to excursions, and if i’m recharged enough to engage in interpersonal interaction. this has been a challenge, and i hope to get better at it this semester. i need to remember it’s a balance between my need for me-time and healthy portions of social interaction.

another part of this is who do i want to surround myself with. my intuition and my ability to read people give me good advantages in filtering the population, but it’s also proven to me that making friends that i really do vibe with is pretty difficult. it’s strange because even though you’re surrounded by people 24/7, finding the ones you’re really in tune with is still incredibly hard. i know it’s a matter of being patient, though. i forget that it took me a few years to meet some of my greatest friends from high school. i suppose it is fate.

@ second sem : hit me w the best u got. i am ready 4 u. 💥

[mysterious-prophetess]

Movie Double feature

Today I saw TWO Movies somewhat back-to-back.

Bumblebee AND Aquaman.

One I’d been anticipating and one I was slightly skeptical about.

So I’m going to do my little post movie write up AS a double feature as well.

So first the overall experiences I had with both and then below a read more, I will get into spoiler territory.

Bumblebee

I will admit I had the bar set low because it’s a Transformer’s movie. Though, I was slightly hopeful because Bee was a bug like he was in the cartoon. And also, Bee is my favorite transformer’s character.

I was right to be hopeful. This movie was thoroughly enjoyable. Not once did I glance at my cellphone. Ok I did but that wasn’t because I was bored. 

The pacing could be very quick at times but the human protagonist was actually someone I could give a full damn about. The plot wrapped up nicely and if Michael Bay really wanted, he could reboot the whole franchise and it would work. Easily the best of the....how many are there at this point? Let’s see.....(one google search later) Six. Best of the Six Transformers movies out. Personally, I think Michael bay should just reboot the series.

Aquaman

I didn’t have the bar super high here either but I was hoping for it to be good because of several reasons.

1) I am a HUGE DC fangirl. That’s right I’ll admit it, I prefer DC to Marvel. So, I’d prefer it when DC movies are good.

2) Representation matters. 

3) The way they set up Aquaman in Justice League (especially with the Motherbox thing and Mera) intrigued me.

So, how was it? Well, I will say it was not as good as Wonder Woman. However, it was better than all the other current batch DC movies, though. By which I mean the ones that are already out. Which is something it does pain me to admit since I am (at heart) a hardcore Superman fangirl. So, for me current DC movie rankings in quality (in my personal opinion):

Wonder Woman

Aquaman

Justice League

Man of Steel

Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice (extended cut)

Suicide Squad

The tone flipped back and forth with light and more serious moments here and there. The pacing could be choppy in a few segments and Snyder is back at it again with his choices for editing scenes together. More on that in the spoiler section. But it was also fun and Arthur’s 1000000% done with it was something I could relate to. Yes, it is the standard trope-y King Arthur tale (yeah, pun intended and DC did that too) of good true king versus Bad False King, but it also wasn’t totally stale. The art direction is what really made this movie for me. I loved LOVED how the underwater civilizations looked.

Now time for the spoiler section.

You have been warned. Don’t read if you’ve not seen either.

Bumblebee

Like I said above, I did not enter this film with high expectations of it. I mean, I don’t hate the other Transformers movies. I’ll just admit up front that if I could cut out the human bits from most of the other five films and just have nothing but giant robot fights, I’d be more than good with that. Especially Dark of the Moon. Just give me the giant robot bits and omit the rest please.

Charlie is actually relatable. Especially to me because I’ve had the sucky as fuck job at an amusement park. I won’t say where or when but trust me: working at a theme park is not fun at all. She also has something of an arc in this film that isn’t “get the girl” or whatever Mark Whalberg’s character’s arc was supposed to be in Last Knight (I didn’t see age of extinction but it seemed his arc there was around fatherhood or something). Charlie is also (as a character) charming enough to help carry the film with Bee. 

I won’t say the Charlie parts were always 100% good, but definitely good more often than not.

The male human lead (Memo?)...he was just Sam Witwicky 1980′s edition and a little less pathetic. 

Bumblebee was adorable in this. I get it was the amnesia but before he lost his voice, it was nice to hear him actually talk and the fact they cast a guy with a young-ish sounding voice was something I really liked since in the cartoon I’m more than fairly certain Bee was a kid or the youngest member of the Autobots. After the amnesia, it also sort of was childlike in his behaviors. 

I even liked the Decepticons. They were barely playing nice. 

I like that the human military was trying to play them right back.

Best line in the movie was when the John Cena character Agent Burns says something like,

“Should we even trust them, It’s right in their name “Decepticons”“ 

That was actually a clever thing to have in the film. 

Something else I liked was the fact that Optimus Prime, Soundwave, and Ravage were all really close to their cartoon designs, and it looked so much nicer to me.

Bee as a Camaro origin story. It was a nice touch. This skews the canon of the films a little but since it’s in my personal opinion they should just reboot it here and run with this new universe, any continuity issues aren’t that big to me.

Were there times the move just went from 0-CRAZY. Yeah. 

Charlie’s family: Borderline abusive at times, and borderline too...much. They weren’t as over the top as the Witwicky’s but that’s not saying much.

The internet already existed in the 80′s for the military as either DARPA or ARPA Net, so that little revelation was stupid.

The bullies who harrass Charlie at that party spot. I’ve never met someone that callus IRL and there is no way the bitchy chick making fun of the fact Charlie’s dad dropped dead wouldn’t have had at least someone aside from Memo and Bee going “Not Cool”

Speaking of that, the whole delinquent thing that they did to rich girl’s house? Funny but not 100% plot relevant. There were other ways to end up with Charlie, Bee, and Memo in a car chase. 

E.G. Bee’s trying to cheer Charlie up by going fast or something.

The nod to the other films with Simmons was nice. 

A solidly enjoyable film. I do actually recommend it.

Aquaman

Now onto a bigger spiel.

Again, due to DC’s track record for film quality with the current movie universe (and beyond) I did not want to have my hopes up, but I already mentioned why I wanted it to do well above.

The tonal shifts from serious to light to serious again could be (to borrow what my dad said) corny. I like corny, personally, but I get that tonal shifts like this can give others whiplash. Fortunately, they didn’t do this all the time.

What Snyder had them do enough times, however, was editing in flashbacks in the main flow of the story with little warning a la Man of Steel and I didn’t like it then, I don’t like it now.

Sometimes the dialogue could be a bit on the nose and clunky but I did like Arthur’s arc in this film. It was slightly incomplete because part of his arc started in Justice League which was learning how to play nice with other people to do something. Then there was the whole reluctant leader thing. It was done well enough, but having seen it done much better in the Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings trilogy, I know that attempting this sort of character arc in one film was asking for it to be a little less refined. Which is the result. Yet, despite it relying on a very Arthurian trope of Chosen King with Magic Weapon, it did it well enough that it wasn’t a totally stale thing. The fact he had the magic-trident of King Atlan was something he was actively working to earn throughout the movie. It did actually feel like he had gone through enough of a growth in the film (and part of Justice League) to merit him earning this achievement of his. 

The film did drag a little in places but only twice did I just want them to get on with it already.

Black Manta Ray’s origin was interesting in this universe. Arthur did quasi-create this enemy. 

On the other hand, I can’t fully feel sympathy for a murderous pirate dying because he tried to kill Arthur and Arthur decided that the man who tried to blow him up wasn’t someone he wanted to save. But that’s because I’m a vindictive bitch.

Arthur, later, realizes that he should have done the right thing all along but too late now. He also realizes the value of mercy because of this so...

Mera’s powers are never fully explained, but I find myself mostly ok with that because I just started calling her a waterbender in my head. 

Arhtur and Mera’s relationship evolved semi-organically. They did have chemistry for the most part, but it was almost too cliche at times yet it was fine because it’s the action movie romance cliches that aren’t 100 horrible but it was even at times a little sweet.

So, let’s go over, in detail what I loved about the art direction

Yes, it does look very similar to other underwater cities that I’ve seen in the past in other media, but they also incorporated enough new and nature inspired parts to it that I loved looking at each underwater civilization. The ruins, the tech, the fact things glowed the way they did. That pirate ship air pocket was also a really interesting thing though I kept wondering where Ariel was

I even got that the reason there was water in the Atlantean vehicles was Atlanteans don’t need to worry about things being airtight because they breathe under water. 

Later when it was explained that only a handful of Atlanteans can even breath in the atmosphere it made even more sense.

When Volko was training Arthur in his Atlantean skills and stuff started to glow once he went deeper in the water I actually nodded because there is scientific evidence that every living thing does give off small amounts of bioluminesce. Even we humans do, but it’s so faint we can’t perceive it.

I personally think the Atlanteans should have glowed a little too. 

The different species of Atlantean were very neat. Especially the “feral” ones. Reminded me of someone crossing a Zora with that creature from Pan’s Labyrinth or that thing from Hellboy 2 that Liz made a deal with to save Hellboy.

Onto other things:

The Karathen. I did not expect her to live up to the hype the movie was building her up to be. I was also pleasantly surprised that it was a “she” during the scene where she is trash-talking Arthur without knowing that he can understand her. Then, later, I found out she is voiced by Julie Andrews.

Also, because the Karathen did make such a huge impact in that final fight two things entered my head.

“RELEASE THE KRAKEN” and 

Orm: “I have an army!”

Arthur: “I have a sea monster.”

The Atlantis thrown down was noticed but that got me thinking: Where was the rest of the JL during this. Were they just doing damage control or something after Orm’s little oceanic temper tantrum?

The mid-credits stinger with Mantaray. I knew he wasn’t done because Manta Ray is a major Aquaman villain. I just didn’t think the Atlantis obsessed prof would end up finding him.

I don’t fully get why Nereus would want a war with the surface with Orm in charge, unless he would just strike Orm down later and take his power. 

I didn’t get why the fishpeople didn’t just RUN AWAY whenever Arthur showed up with the Karathen AND wielding the Trident of Atlan. All Fish-People Princess would have had to do was say “my people RUN FROM THE MONSTER” And Orm’s armies (and Orm himself) would be so busy fighting a literal sea monster from their worst nightmares that no one could or would have stopped them.

In fact, I am confused as to why there wasn’t mass panic once the Karathen showed up and she started wrecking all the military vehicles. -\( `-`)/-

Arthur’s ability to speak to the aquatic animals was actually built up to be a major ability. 

Aquaman’s been made fun of in the past for this, but considering he was able to talk to the Karathen, and control a bunch of apex sea predators (turning them on their masters) it isn’t something to be fully laughed off. Outside the ocean, sure it doesn’t really make a huge difference but that’s where making the Atlanteans tougher than land humans comes in. That too makes actual sense with the reasons as to why this was.

Atlanna’s survival wasn’t really too much of a shock for me. I was half-expecting the Trench-peoples to not be totally savage and actually just have a bad rep. 

The Hidden Sea at the Earth’s core bit got an eyebrow quirk. I was half expecting it to be the Caspian Sea....

I would still very much recommend Aquaman.

[drkreviews]

Baroque - First the Music, Then the Style

Here I am with a new band special in “Focusing on”! Today’s subject is a visual band, which had a troubling and various career, but despite everything, they never stopped being good. We’re talking about Baroque, formed on 2001 and currently composed by Ryo (vo.) and Kei (gt.), both former members of the famous band Kannivalism; they used to have other members in the past, like Akira (gt.), who left on 2013, Bansaku (ba.), departed on 2012 and Yuji (dr.), who substituted Naru on 2002 and left the band the following year. The band name is a possible reference to the artistic current with the same name, even if they doesn’t have so much in relation with it. In fact their most relevant feature is their attitude in not being attached to a single style, fitting it to the sound they want to propose each time, making them lacking of a definite concept. Considered as one of the pioneers of the oshare kei, their genre, started as a funny punk-rock, enclosed more melodious themes, up to integrate electronic music as a basis until the current days, where they evolved the sound, as a duo, in a mature version of their best works. Their debut occured on 28th February 2002 with the first mini-album Tokyo Stripper, followed by the singles Sukebe Boy (Pervert boy), Chaplin and ila..

The title-track is a really cheerful rock theme, with soft vocals and well refined by the instruments; the song is about hoping for a future of peace and tranquillity. It has been followed by the singles Gariron, Gakidou (My street) and Nutty a Hermit. and the first album Sug Life (reviewed here). Then the band, because of Akira’s health issues, decided to disband on 2004, for then being reunited on 2011 as a three-man band. In this new phase they released the singles Monodrama, Teeny-tiny star, Rinzen identity (Ridiculous identity), Zazafuri ame (Pouring rain), Mellow Hollow and Kizuna (Bonds).

The title-track mixes up the cheerfulness of Baroque’s sound with a more energetic and mature touch; the song is about the fraility of human relationships. It has been followed by the single Tatoeba kimi to boku (For example, you and I), the second album Non-fiction and the compilation Complete Collection 2001-2004. Then, because of Bansaku’s disappearance, occurred some month before, the band suspended their own activities on 2012, for reprising it as duo on 2015. They started this new musical phase, maturer than before, releasing the third album Planetary Secret (reviewed here), followed by the singles Girl, An Eternity and Flower of Romance (these last ones are reviewed here).

An Eternity represents their musical change for sure, as the theme is more atmospheric and fascinating, accompained by melting vocals and a compelling guitar; the song is about the sense of human life.

Baroque is a band which went through a lot of obstacles and turns, but despite everything they are always appealing and unpredictable. Evolving from their oshare kei roots, the band arrived to an unexpected and awesome maturation, going from simply and funny tracks to more complex and enigmatic componiments. They are the symbol of how the time can maintain and reinvent a style, when needed and for sure they are a must for whoever is in the visual kei scene and not only. If you already are into the magical and mysterious world of Baroque, you should check out their latest work, the single You, come out on December, whose wintery atmosphere is fit for these cold days we are living now. So, if you don’t know what band you want to know more, Baroque is a really good choice, you won’t be disappointed.

Who might enjoy: who is looking for a versatile and unique rock band, whose story is full of twists and new directions.

Recommended songs: ila., Nutty a Hermit., Exit, Kizuna, Tatoeba kimi to boku, Celebrate and An Eternity.

That’s all folks! See you with a new song analysis in “Lyrical Love”!

Thanks for the reading!

[pixelgrotto]

The deductive point ‘n click escapades of a forgotten southern belle  Adventure games of the point ‘n click variety are a genre that tend to feature female protagonists more often than others. Why this is the case, I’m not entirely sure - it might have something to do with the stereotype that women are more patient, more willing to read and perhaps better at solving puzzles than men. Or, perhaps legendary adventure game designer Roberta Williams’ influence still holds strong, at least on a subconscious level in the minds of designers, over the genre that she helped nourish in the 80s and 90s, and the heroines of today’s games are merely following in the footsteps of fine women that preceded them, like Rosella of Daventry in King’s Quest IV.  Whatever the reason, despite there being quite a few point ‘n clickers popping up these days with engaging female protagonists (Kathy Rain is one that I played early this year and enjoyed), there’s a 1920s southern belle who probably deserved a long-lasting series but only got two games which are somewhat overlooked these days. Her name is Laura Bow, and she served as the protagonist of two Sierra titles that were released in 1989 and 1992 - The Colonel’s Bequest and The Dagger of Amon Ra. 

Laura seems to have been specifically patterned after famous silent film actress Clara Bow, but at her heart she’s more like a slightly older version of Nancy Drew, and her two games embody Nancy’s fine tradition of mystery solving. The Colonel’s Bequest takes place on a private island in the bayous of New Orleans as Laura accompanies a friend and fellow Tulane University student for a weekend getaway at the manor of her uncle, Colonel Dijon. The old man is bequeathing his fortune to relatives and has invited a motley assortment of characters right out of an Agatha Christie paperback - the drunk aunt, the conceited Hollywood starlet, the perverted doctor who seems to have a thing for betting on the ponies - and a la Clue, bodies start piling up as the relatives presumably begin offing themselves in order to get Dijon’s fortune first. 

I mentioned Roberta Williams previously, and The Colonel’s Bequest was actually designed by her as one of those rare side projects that didn’t feature the words “King’s” and “Quest” in the title. (Hm, I suppose it’s called The Colonel’s Bequest, so scratch that.) It’s always hard to tell how much Roberta was involved in non-King’s Quest projects - The Dagger of Amon Ra, for instance, was directed by Bruce Balfour despite featuring her name on the box - but I’d wager that she intended The Colonel’s Bequest to be a spiritual remake of her very first adventure game (and indeed, the first graphical adventure game ever), Mystery House. Mystery House featured a similar murder plot, and The Colonel’s Bequest takes this concept and evolves it, offering a unique structure where there aren’t really any puzzles to solve but instead “scenes” to witness. The entire game is structured like a play - there’s even a cast curtain call in the beginning - and Laura is encouraged to spend as much time as possible talking with the potential murder suspects and finding unique ways to eavesdrop on them. 

The game’s manual makes a huge deal about this emphasis on observing the story and slowly figuring out the links between characters in an effort to deduce the killer, and we can look at Johnny L. Wilson’s 1990 review of the game in Computer Gaming World as an example of how this approach was seen as admirable, fresh and also a bit risky at the time. Don’t let the fact that there aren’t many puzzles fool you into thinking that The Colonel’s Bequest is easy, though - it’s just as tough as Sierra’s other adventures with just as many nonsensical ways to die, and the unique structure where certain events and conversations are “timed” (indicated on screen by a clock) means that sometimes you’ll be wandering around aimlessly searching for the next thing to do, or possibly miss out on vital bits of info because you weren’t at the right place at the right time. It’s a little like The Last Express, only less refined. 

Luckily, the game’s great atmosphere makes up for any shortcomings that its boldly unorthodox but occasionally clunky design creates. This is one of the best 16 color titles that Sierra produced with their SC10 engine, and the soundtrack is packed with jazzy songs influenced by the Roaring Twenties with just enough sense to know when to be quiet as well. As you navigate Laura across the silent grounds of the mansion in the dead of night, wondering where the killer might be, it’s very possible to get shaken by the sound of lightning bursting in the background, and I can certainly imagine young players in 1989 jumping out of their skin when they encountered such moments.

Laura’s next outing, The Dagger of Amon Ra, trades the dark island setting for the Egyptology craze of the 20s, and loses a little bit in the process but makes up for it with 256 colors, rotoscoped animations (which are darn smooth but cause character sprites to be a bit muddy, unfortunately) and an even catchier selection of jazz tunes, including an amusing vocal track called “The Archaeologist Song.” Oh, and the CD version is a “talkie” game, with performances that range from kinda terrible (Sierra was still having their employees voice these games at the time instead of hiring actors) to excellent (Laura’s got a cute southern accent and the narrator’s voice is heavenly).  

The plot revolves around the titular Dagger of Amon Ra, an Egyptian artifact that’s been stolen from a New York City museum. Laura, now a fresh grad from Tulane and in the middle of her first journalism assignment at an NYC paper, has to navigate the mean streets of Manhattan, infiltrate a speakeasy and chat with a mildly racist caricature of a Chinese laundromat owner before getting into the museum, where she once again encounters a wide cast of characters, from the stuck up British twat who removed the dagger from Egypt to the nutty countess, who is possibly engaged in some mild robbery efforts around the museum when nobody’s looking. People start dying pretty soon (and their death scenes are grand - check out this poor SOB who got decapitated and stuck with a Perodactyl beak) and while the beginning section of the game outside of the museum is more like a traditional point ‘n click affair, once you’re locked inside the building after the first murder, everything becomes reminiscent of The Colonel’s Bequest. You’ve got to meander about, hope you bumble upon the right conversations and try your best to piece together clues before the murderer suddenly starts chasing you during the game’s second-to-last chapter. 

The Dagger of Amon Ra kind of stumbles in its execution of this form of gameplay more than its predecessor, because all the chapters of museum exploration feel terribly disjointed even more than walking around Colonel Dijon’s mansion did. Also, the character motivations are unclear, which is a problem in a mystery game - especially one where the entire final chapter actually involves Laura being quizzed by the coroner in an annoying game of 20 Questions as to the identity and motives of the killer! If you slip up once during this finale, you’ll get the bad ending, which involves the killer finding Laura’s apartment and GUNNING HER IN HER SLEEP, jinkies. And even if you succeed and get the good ending, which sees Laura writing her first award-winning expose on the theft and hooking up with putzy love interest Steve Dorian, it’s still quite impossible to discern the killer’s motives and why he went about his nefarious deeds, because The Dagger of Amon Ra just...doesn’t explain things. I’m not the only one who had trouble figuring it out - The Adventure Gamer blog wrote up a fantastic series of posts about this game and came to the same confused reaction as I did. 

Both Laura Bow adventures come from an older time where it was common to take notes as you went through a game, so perhaps my puzzlement at The Dagger of Amon Ra’s ending is due to my lack of pencil and paper by my side as I played. I did use walkthroughs for both games, though, and if you do end up checking them out (they’re available on GOG), I’d recommend doing the same. You probably still won’t be able to figure out why whatshisname stole that dagger, but despite their flaws, the Laura Bow games really are worth experiencing. Laura’s a likeable lead (just look at this adorable expression on her face as she stumbles upon the museum’s French skank engaged in hanky panky with the janitor) and she does a fine job of showing off the spirit of the 20s, an underrepresented period in the pantheon of electronic gaming. 

Laura never got a third game, and as far as mystery franchises go, Sierra soon passed the torch to the Gabriel Knight series, which apparently takes place in the same universe, since Gabriel visits Tulane in Sins of the Fathers and hears word of a lecture being given by “Laura Bow Dorian” - a hint that Laura married Steve Dorian and lived happily ever after! I’m glad that Ms. Bow got a nice ending even if we couldn’t see it in game form, and I’m sure that if she were a real person, she would be pleased to see spiritual successors of sorts like the aforementioned Kathy Rain following in her footsteps today. 

This is perhaps a good place to mention The Crimson Diamond, an upcoming indie game in the works by Canadian illustrator Julia Minamata. I recently played through the demo and am eagerly awaiting the full release - it’s almost like a direct sequel of The Colonel’s Bequest with an alternate universe version of Laura. Rest assured, Ms. Bow - even if your adventures aren’t as remembered these days as they should be, the example you set of the enterprising female gumshoe is alive, well and in good hands!

All box art and screenshots from Mobygames. 

[mikotoakujin]

( Muse - IC Questions )

[ Slowly going to post these onto all of my OC blogs, in honor of the fact charahub is going to die soon, and I only really used that for the questionnaire feature, I’m going to post questionnaires IC to my rp blogs. The questions were taken from here. You can do this too if you want!! Also yes, it’s IC unless there are brackets ]

1. Introduce yourself with the basics. (Name, Age, Simple description, Other relevant info.)

“Well, I’m Mikoto. I’m an angel, so I suppose that’s important. Age? Nineteen. [or currently 20 if you follow his birthdays since i made this blog] Well, I like to get out a lot and do things and talk to people. Not sure what else to say.” 2. What is your purpose or your biggest goal in life?

“Don’t have that much of a purpose other than being the next king in line whenever my father steps down. But my personal goal is to get more friends to hang out with, perhaps a lover. And also to better myself.” 3. Of all your belongings, which are most important to you? If there is a story about them, please share.

“I’d rather not share why, but my scarf is rather important to me. I never take it off, after all~! All I’ll say is that it was a gift.” 4. Who is your best friend, or the person you are closest to?

“...” [ Mikoto seems to be uncomfortable with this particular question. ] 5. Who are a few other people you know, and how do you feel about each of them specifically?

“So most of the other princes of their respective lands, some other people, and my parents? Well, I’ll just be quick then because there are a lot. Laphomet’s nice and we hang out sometimes despite being respectively demonic and angelic princes, Mochu is alright but kinda keeps to himself, got no fuckin’ idea about Monarch, mom’s a bitch, dads okay but out more often than not.” 

[ your muse can also be added here if you message me KJdncdjnd.. other peoples muses have links attached. my other characters don’t. ] 6. Do you have any romantic interests, or have you in the past?

“Well... a few, but only one of them returned feelings.... then they were taken away from me...” [ He seems uncomfortable going into further detail. ] 7. What is your general outlook on life? Are you optimistic, pessimistic, or maybe just very neutral? 

“Well, it honestly depends, but I’m mostly neutral about everything. I try to be more positive nowadays, but sometimes it just isn’t worth the troubles.” 8. Describe your relationship with your parents. If they're no longer alive, how did that happen? How do you feel about it?

“As I said, mom’s a bitch, dad’s a lot better but away often.” 9. What is your favorite childhood memory? Make it a happy one!

“The time me and my dad went out and got some candies and sweets...” 10. Do you have any siblings? If so, talk about them. If not, do you wish that you did?

“Having siblings would probably help my mental state. I don’t think I have any siblings but I wouldn’t be surprised if that whore of a mother has a lot more children.” 11. What are your favorite things to eat and drink?

“Well, I personally like wine. It’s nice. I prefer to eat salty things over anything else, so thats why I like chips, and fries, and all’a that.” 12. Who is somebody that you look up to?

“If I think really hard I might find an answer, but I don’t want to. So, nobody in particular.” 13. When you're alone, how do you like to spend your time? Hobbies and Interests?

“Well, I just walk around places trying to find things to do and socialize. Nothing much more than that.” 14. What is something you're really good at?

“Uh.... Maybe... rpgs and Fire Emblem / strategy games...?” 15. What is something you're really bad at?

“Knitting and sewing. Although, I want to be good at it.” 16. What is something that you're constantly working on improving?

“Personality and how calm I am.” 17. Share a memory that involves the person you are closest to.

“No thanks.” 19. What is a custom of your family or culture that you participate in?

“I dunno, we sometimes have festivals? We have the same holidays as humans, but with slightly altered names and there’s always a celebration for it no matter how small the holiday is. Dress fancy, eat food, go to parties and maybe get drunk, and participate in the festivities. We also somehow have a seasonal amusement park. It doesn’t fit into the theme of the fact that our little floating island looks like it was taken out of a medieval fantasy book, so it clashes a lot.” 20. How well educated are you? Do you speak more than one language? Are you well studied in a specific subject?

“Well, as a high royalty figure, I was basically forced to learn a bunch of languages so I can communicate with everyone - a good skill for a leader or person who travels a lot to have. Fortunately, I learned most of these languages alongside english, so it was much easier. I am still most fluent in english, though.” 21. What was your childhood like in general? Sad? Happy? All over the place? Describe it.

“Probably the last one mixed with sad. Not going into any more detail.” 22. Are you at all religious? What do you believe happens when you die?

“Well considering I’m an angel, I’m either already dead or some form of immortal. Probably. I have no fucking idea what happens when someone dies, don’t want to find out.” 23. Describe your clothing and your usual style. 

“My style - at least in what I usually wear - is very hard to describe I guess? How do you describe these clothes? How.” 24. Do you have a job or attend school? If so, what is your job or what are you learning in school?

“Already been to school. Recently got out actually. Although, I’ll probably be shoved back in, except into college this time. being royalty means you have to have good education and good everything and god knows my parents are going to shove it down my throat. Although, since my “”job”” is going to be being a future leader, what the hell are they going to make me take in College...?” 25. Do you have any tattoos, markings, or scars on your body? What are they like?

“My younger - about fifteen to seventeen - year old self pondered on tattoos a lot, but ultimately decided against it. I have a lot of scars or wounds or whatever. It’s why I wear bandages. You can probably guess what they are, considering I’ve (somehow) never burnt myself or had any long lasting bruises.” 26. Is there anything about your appearance that you would like to change?

“Not in particular, no.” 27. Aside from your closest friend, who would you like to enjoy a relaxing afternoon with?

“A lover, but since I don’t have one, likely Laphomet. Actually, maybe one of the more refined princes, since Lapho would just ruin the atmosphere probably.” 28. Do you listen to or create music? Do you enjoy it? 

“I’ve tried my hand at creating music, didn’t work out. I also used to play the violin, but it evolved into playing the harp as a hobby. I’m pretty decent at it. Also, my tastes in music are kinda all over the place but I like videogame osts more than anything.” 29. What is something about the world you live in that is constantly on your mind? (War, Political Unrest, etc)

“The fact that the current leader is a piece of shit. And no, not my dad. The other one. The female one.” 30. If you were to pass a homeless person in the streets, what would you do?

“So it’s not like I have high taxes to pay off or anything, I’ll just give them 100 dollars, maybe food, and be on my way.” 31. Where were you born, and where do you live now?

“Live in the same place I was born. Although, somehow the floating continent of whatever the fuck can grow for some reason, and it’s grown quite a bit since I as a kid. At least, according to my dad. Hell, at this rate maybe we’ll actually get advanced technology and buildings, and it’ll actually look like how it should for this generation!” 32. Do you prefer Spring, Summer, Autumn, or Winter? Why? “Winter. It’s cold. I like cold. Although it’s awkward because the fact that my clothes expose a lot of skin so they’re more fit to spring and summer. Thankfully, they got people to make me a winter form of my royal clothes. A fluffy coat.” 33. What is something you dream of accomplishing, but don't think you ever will?

“I mean, meeting them again is literally impossible, so yeah I don’t think i’ll be doing that.” 34. What's something that would make you really angry?

“Uh, slurs, shit-talk about my friends, stuff like that.” 35. What's something that calms you down when you're angry?

“Friends, alcohol, food. And just generally rest.” 36. Do you struggle with any physical or mental disabilities?

“I might’ve had depression somewhere in my life, probably still have it to a smaller extent. I miiight be bi-polar or some other mental disability but I haven’t gotten checked for those things, so maybe I’m just jumping the gun.” 37. What are your three best and three worst personality traits?

“Well, best? Don’t like to really brag or suck my own dick, but I guess I’m nice to my friends, rich (it’s a personality trait now), and kinda grateful?... I’m trying to be more forgiving. And the worst, well, there’s a lot but mostly possessive, obsessive, and passive-agressively, or just generally rude. Also low patience, but I try to play it off like I have high patience.” 38. Did you have any friends as a child that you are no longer in contact with? 

“Stop.” 39. If you fight with weapons, what are they? If not, what weapons do you think are cool?

“Did you not notice the giant fucking scythe on my back? Well, I guess sometimes I don’t carry it, but I always have these two little daggers with blue hilts on me at all times. The little tail-cloth-thing hides it, but they’re in my pockets.” 40. Do you identify as the gender you were born with? 

“Mostly. Might be demiboy. Might be nonbinary. When I was born I was technically nonbinary but I slowly I somehow grew... that, so I might be biologically male. I’m not sure.” 41. What is your sexuality? Are you treated any differently for it?

“I’m bi. Attracted to everyone more or less. I like guys or male-presenting people a little more though, girls kinda make me uncomfortable due to the biggest female-figure in my life being a bitch, probably. If anyone has an issue with it I curbstomp them.” 42. What is an accomplishment that you are proud of?

“Somehow being a good student in school I guess? It IS satisfying to get those weird grades where it’s over 100, or above an A.” 43. How did you meet your closest friend?

“.......Maybe I’ll tell you if I actually fucking knew you?” 44. How did you meet your second closest friend?

“Don’t know who I qualify as my second closest. I’d say Lapho, but it kinda depends on mood. But I met all my royalty friends cuz’ my parents when I was younger took me to a different school when we didn’t have one up here yet. All the rich and royal people went there, and the princes and princesses n shit’ were in special classes. So that’s how I found those guys.” 45. Do you have any enemies? Who are they, and why are you enemies?

“My mother. It’s pretty obvious that I hate her. Not going to tell you why; use context clues.” 46. What is something that annoys you?

“My mother as well.” 47. What is a mistake that you've made in your past? Do you regret it?

“Yeah, a lot. Kinda indirectly caused someone's death, so y’know.” [ He kinda seems on the edge a little due to this answer. ] 48. Have you traveled a lot? What was your favorite part of it? If not, where do you want to travel to?

“Yeah, I travel all around the place. Having wings and teleportation is nice, but also sucks major ass at least right now because I still at least get a headache from using teleportation [and on top of that because I’m not that skilled in it yet, it can be unstable], and I get tired quickly by flying.” 49. Are you comfortable around people? Could you befriend a stranger, if given the opportunity?

“Well, as a prince and once again as a future leader, you kinda have to know how to talk to someone even if they’re a complete stranger. So the answer is yes.” 50. Have you ever been in a life or death situation? If so, what was it? 

“Few times. Usually started by the same person. Although, I’m still here, so unless by some mind-fuckery I’m actually in a coma dream or I’m a ghost, then I’ve survived all of those situations. And to make it simple, assault and abuse are the situations usually.”

51. Do you want to get married one day? What are your thoughts on children?

“Most people are surprised when I tell them this, but yeah. I really wanna get married, have some kids (probably adopted or from a surrogate mother since I prefer guys), treat them 500 times better than my mom because she can’t parent for shit, etcetera.” 52. In terms of social status, where do you stand?

“High. Once again, prince. Royalty. My dads related to or is a descendant of god or some shit, so that helps.” 53. Does anybody rely on you for something?

“Not that I know of...? I mean, one guy for some dumb scientific materials but y’know.” 54. Do you rely on anybody for something?

“I’d say I rely on my friends for happiness but I don’t know how true that is. I mean, it’s true, but I could still live without them; just very unstably.”

55. What is a cause that you fight for?

“The national ‘Children having not-shit parents movement’.” 56. Have you ever been drunk or otherwise intoxicated? If so, what is something that happened while you were?

“Well, I think I first got drunk at like, 15 or 16, and I was pretty lightweight then, so I dunno how it exactly went but I think I as stumbling around [ as you do when drunk ] and kinda subtly flirting with people. Well, just complimenting them in weird ways, really.” 57. Is there anybody you would die for?

“It’s a little bit too late for that.” 58. Think of a friend or acquaintance you haven't yet spoken of. How do you feel about them?

“..Sorrow,” He as quick to change the topic; “ALTHOUGH, I have technically spoken about that person, just haven’t mentioned names, so onto another mutual, Nova! They’re weird as all hell and live on a kingdom on top of the aurora borealis for some reason. And then there’s Somnus and Friends! (well, more like Somnus and his two guards that may or may not have relations) They’re cool. Somnus and his worlds people are dragons that are just usually in humanoid form. It’s chill.” 59. Are you competitive? Do you engage in any sports or competitions?

“I heavily dislike sports, but I do get competitive in games. Videogames or things like boardgames or drunken party games.” 60. Are you creative? If so, what do you like to create? Are you good at it?

“I’m ok at drawing, I strive for semi-realism when I do draw, and it is fun! So I might get into it more. Although, right now I’m more well-versed in writing.” 61. What are you the most afraid of in the entire world?

“Nothing really...? Actually, losing a friend. Happened once, I don’t want it to happen again.” 62. Describe, start to finish, an average day in your life. 

“Uh, wake up, maybe go on the internet or play videogames, go out, drink a lot of wine and eat a lot, socialize, go to a different place or go home, go on the internet again, screw up my sleep schedule for the fifth time, sleep.” 63. Do you celebrate any holidays? If so, which is your favorite? What is your favorite memory from that holiday?

“You know most of me and my friends say this, and it isn’t really a holiday, but birthdays. Although christmas and halloween are close runner ups. Christmas because I usually spend it with my friends [ and I get a ton of presents from the weird people in town who thirst over me or generally like me ], I get some presents from my dad, I put coal in my moms pillow, and yeah. Also Halloween has some nice costumes, and I like candy.” 64. Would you prefer a peaceful nature walk or a trip to a busy city?

“Nature walk. Nature relaxes me a lot more than some loud crude city. Although the cities fine too, I’m just too used to it.” 65. Growing up, did you have any important teachers or mentors? What's the most important thing they taught you?

“My school counselor was pretty chill. She told me not to be something I’m not, and that helped me get more motivation to improve.” 66. If your parents or mentor knew everything about you today, would they be proud of you?

“If we’re still talking about my counselor, to be honest, I saw them between my in-between phase of edgy dumbass, and my phase of edgy ruse dumbass, so they’ve seen me at my worse.” 67. What is something that excites you or makes you really happy?

“When I find out someone I know is actually like... gay or trans or something? That’s always cool. Or into something I really like to ramble about or need someone to talk about with.” 69. Do you have any really important secrets, or are you generally secret free?

“Are you expecting me to say something sexual because its the sixty-ninth question? Well fine. I am not a virgin but I still consider myself so because I’ve never had romantic sex (i’ve only had sex around 3-5 times) but for a non-sexual answer, I’m mostly secret free. I’m good at keeping them, but for personal secrets, if you catch me in an emotional mood they may just slip.” 70. If you were walking on the streets and you were attacked, do you think you could fight and win?

“Definitely.” 71. Have you ever killed somebody? If so, why and how? If not, do you think you ever would?

“No, surprisingly not. Well, I did indirectly.... kind of..” 72. What is your strongest physical trait? (Fast runner, very strong, super flexible, etc)

“I’m quick, have good reflexes, and yeah I’m pretty flexible. I can do a split if I wanted.” 73. Have you ever been in love? If not, do you want to be? If so, with who, and are you still? If you aren't, how did it end?

“Yes, not answering, person isn’t here anymore. And I do want to be in a relationship or have someone I like or who is a mutual have a crush on me, as well.” 74. When you're alone and relaxing, what are you usually thinking about?

“Usually about the past or the future.” 75. Do you have a lot of responsibilities? If so, what do they include?

“Well, if you couldn’t tell from past answers, once again, being royalty is fucking annoying even though you get everything handed to you, you still have to work hard to fit into peoples expectations.” 76. Have you ever felt really guilty about something? If so, what was it?

“Youuuu know how... I’ve been talking about.. uh. Causing someones death indirectly? Yeah. That.” 77. Do you have any habits, ticks, quirks, or anything like that?

“Quite a few, I won’t list all of them but, I’m left handed, I tend to do tricks with whatever I’m holding without noticing if I’m bored or waiting for something, if I feel threatened my wings will open up a lot, if I feel sad they’ll usually scrunch up a lot more. Y’know.” 78. What complaints do you have about your best friend?

“If you mean the alive ones, none. I mean, flaws make a person who they are.” 79. What complaints do you have about your next closest friend?

“Also none.” 80. Do you have any special abilities or talents?

“Flight, teleportation, I’m slowly gaining more and more magics - courtesy of my parents, I guess - but they’re weak - my strongest magic ability right now is controlling thunder, though.” 81. Do you have any addictions or obsessions? 

“Wouldn’t say I’m addicted to alcohol, but I do drink it a lot.” 82. What drives you? (Your motivation or inspiration) 

“I’m motivated because of the fact I still have so much to see, improve, and learn.” 83. What do you find attractive in a person, both physically and in terms of personality?

“Clean-shaven, tall and thin, I can go for any personality really, but preferably at least is kinda nice and charming, male probably, and uh... glasses are cute. Wow I sound like a typical girl describing their dream crush, huh? Well, to be fair, I’m mostly fine with anything.” 84. What do you think a stranger's first impression of you would be?

“Depends on what my outwards personality is like at the time, but generally well-mannered if not a little bit weird at times.” 85. Are you ashamed or embarrassed about anything?

“Quite a few things. Like I said, I didn’t have genitalia at birth so that was something.” 86. Would you consider yourself to be trustworthy and honest? Would you lie if it benefited you?

“Sadly, I’m pretty good at manipulation and tactics for it, so I will lie if it benefits me or if I feel like I have to, although if I trust the person then I try to be much more honest.” 87. Has anything huge happened in your life that you feel shaped or changed the person you are today?

“The loss of my childhood friend turned me to hate and absolutely despise my mother. Even though she abused me before, I just took it and didn’t say anything, but when she did it to him it was much more personal and shocking... ah, there’s that... again.. my dumb fucking habit of overstaying my welcome with secrets I’m supposed to bottle up inside me and keep until I die. A-anyways.” [ He seemed to get emotional at the subject, but it seems like he was keeping that inside him for a while. ] 88. What are some of your short term (less than 1 yr) goals?

“Uh... bettering myself will probably take longer than a year, so, maybe taking up gardening and stuff like that. He did that. It was nice..” 89. How do you deal with stress? How do you respond to stressful situations?

“With extreme emotional backlash, usually. It depends on the current situation, level of stress, and if I’m in public or not, or if the stress was brought on by a person, but assuming the level of stress is pretty high, I’ll either become really angry, really sad, or just walk somewhere private and let out emotions there.” 90. What is something that most people don't know about you?

“I like old-timey things and vintage stuff. Like obviously more modern than medieval era, but old enough that it isn’t used much in the new generations. Also I think the way people dressed in older times was funny. Also also, history is one of my favorite classes which is odd to most people since I don’t seem like the guy to care about what happened in the past, I suppose.”