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bellswlw · 1 year

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˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ it’s cold here without you 2: you set me on fire ⇨ e. williams

ellie williams x afab!reader

wc: 11k

part one | part 1.5 | masterlist

summary: after the winter dance, you and Ellie find yourselves unsure of where you stand. but after a prank gone wrong during a movie screening, the line before you bolds, and you’re ready.

cw: smut, mentions of homophobia, public humiliation, oral (e!receiving), inexperienced!reader, underage alcohol consumption (wine), mentions of artist!ellie, scissoring, multi orgasm, slapping, some fluff, mutual pining

a/n: this wasn’t supposed to be 11k…. but eat up! this is my first time writing proper wlw smut so pls, pls be nice:,) ps: i highly considering only writing jackson!ellie bc she’s just so cutsie i just love her. proofread.

There wasn’t a single thing on Ellie’s mind besides you. Besides what was going to happen tonight. And besides what she had planned, almost to perfection. almost.

She had been thinking about it all day, just a few after the two of you had your moment in the greenhouse after the winter dance. Which… was something.

Something… out of a movie, some might say. ‘Some’ just by Ellie. Secretly, she had rewinded the memories and let them play out in full from the inside walls of her own mind, afraid to mention even a speck of it outloud.

The images played on a loop inside her head, causing a grin to find its place on her face when she met you at the stables after her patrol shift and prayed that for what she was hoping would finally rise off of her notebook pages, tonight.

In the dining hall for breakfast surrounded by mostly everyone in Jackson, the four of you had contracted a plan. (Mainly Ellie, if she was being honest.)

“Oh come on, they’re just kids.” Dina said, cocking her head to the side to glare back and forth at Ellie and Jesse, silently scolding her for wanting to do something so stupid and looking to Jesse to help tell her off.

“Hey, those little shits deserve it. They totally started it.” Ellie said, pointing her spoon towards her. “Plus, it's totally harmless.” she sighed and took the spoonful of cereal into her mouth.

Earlier in the morning, just before breakfast had begun, some of the kids had started a completely civil snowball fight, and on your way toward the dining hall you had all stopped to watch. And you had to admit, they could be kind of cute sometimes. When they weren’t being absolute menaces.

“I say, tonight, as soon as we get back… we get drunk and play some board games.” Jesse said, nudging you with his elbow with a playful smirk.

You looked over, a soft smile. “Yeah, that sounds like fun.” and watched as Ellie continued ahead of you, her hands shoved so deep in her jacket pockets that they might poke out the other end.

Listen, she wasn’t jealous of Jesse, or the fact that the two of you had grown a little closer after you got to town. She knew he would never try anything, and she knew surely, neither would you. But it still sent a thick stroke of anger through her just thinking about the if.

She tried not to, but eventually it was the only thing running through her head. Like an absolute idiot.

You had only seen Jesse merely as a friend. And sometimes, somebody to help you tick Ellie off with stupid puns or to poke fun at. Sometimes. The other times he was stopping by the greenhouse to bring you back samples of plants he found out on patrol.

Most of them were weeds or dead flowers, but you accepted them all and thanked him kindly. He liked you. And he liked that you made Ellie happy, even as much as it grossed him out sometimes when you found yourself staring at her leaving the stables on Shimmer, galloping slow enough to see the steady jostle of her hips lift up and down with a rhythmic bounce.

Jesse had known, at the dance. He knew before then too. He knew when he saw the same look in your eye that he felt in his when he looked at Dina. He was happy for the two of you.

“Ellie, you in?” he asked, catching her attention and making her turn around. She was red in the face, fuming inside her head from a scenario that was nowhere near real.

“Huh?” she asked, and looked at you.

“Board games, drinking, probably a little…” and you put your pinched fingers to your lips, pretending to smoke a joint before blowing the smoke from your mouth with a laugh.

“Oh, yeah. Sure.” and then she turned back around.

The three of you had slowed down, all watching Dina as she knelt down behind a section of the playground, a snowball ready in her hand.

Ellie had been meaning to talk to Dina. About the dance, about the looks she had been giving you, she was so confused by it all, not really understanding why she did it and now why she seemed to hate your guts. Especially because no one knows. Or, at least… they weren’t supposed to.

You didn’t want to make a big deal of things, and since Jackson was relatively small and it was typically pretty calm, you did not want to be the talk of the town. Or any for that matter. But after Ellie had noticed how hesitant you were to go say goodbye to her at the stables, she knew something was wrong.

And it made her kind of mad. She felt the smallest amount of pride too, if she was being honest. She liked how much you flushed at the thought of someone else being upset that you had her instead of them. But on the offhand, she wanted to kindly tell Dina off for making you afraid to even say a simple ‘goodbye’ before patrol.

“It’s not a big deal, I don’t want to make something out of nothing.” and your eyes were glued to the floor.

“Tell me,” and her voice was so soft, melting on your tongue as her gloved hand grabbed yours. They were so warm, radiating a soft heat through the leather.

“I– it’s just… maybe Dina knows, you know? Maybe she saw and she hates me or something and–”

And Ellie sighed, swinging your hand playfully in hers.

“I told you, it's nothing!” and your voice was high, trying to hide itself in the lie.

“No. it’s not nothing. I’ll talk to her. Tell her to fuck off. If she saw, then who cares? Lucky her.” and Ellie slipped off one of her gloves to cup your face, pecking your lips slowly. Warm.

“I’ll talk to her, okay?” and you nodded. You could live with that.

Ellie came to a halt, her hands gripping the fence before she called out after Dina. “Hey Dina! Can I talk to you?”

And it was then that she finally noticed her, standing up from her kneeling position and throwing her hands up in defense. “Hey, guys? I’m tapping out!”

Ellie turned back to look at you, reminding you of the promise she had made earlier. You took it. “We’ll meet you inside?” and Ellie gave you a quick nod, her head tilting back while her eyes stayed on yours until you smiled at her and turned the corner, continuing your conversation with Jesse.

“So, what kinda board games are we talking?’ and you nudged him, hard enough to make you think you had caused him to stumble over. Which obviously made you burst out a laugh.

From there, it was obvious why Ellie was upset. She lost. Big time. Those kids had annihilated her and Dina, and there wasn’t a soul brave enough to face them again. They deserved this, those punks.

Or at least, that’s what Ellie had said from beside you. “They’re punks. They ambushed us. And they tackled you?!” her sigh was long, and she looked over to you for help, maybe a little bit of approval.

“Well… I mean, it does seem a little extreme Ells.” and you looked a little apologetic.

“Wha— Jesse, c’mon, back me up.”

Jesse jutted his hands out from underneath their place on his chin. “Hey, leave me outta this. I don’t want any part of it.”

Ellie lets out a frustrated exhale. Her hands resting against the table with one potato wedge in each. “IT is a completely non-extreme movie to show to a bunch of 12 year olds. You guys just suck.” she says, eyeing you before sticking one of her soggy wedges in your face.

Your brows are pulled up and your eyes tracking her flail these cold dead sticks of potato around as she continues her spiel. “I mean, IIIII think they deserve to feel their hearts beating in their chests for once… right? Like I’m practically doing them all a favor. We all are… because when screening starts, we sit through the first quarter, and then after all the parents fall asleep, BAM–” and Ellie is suddenly flinging her wedge across the table, landing hard against Jesse’s cheek with a rippling smack.

There's a moment of shrilling silence between the four of you, just before he wipes his hand down his face to dust off the skin of the potato and says. “Thank you, for this.” and plops it onto his plate.

It’s then that’s when you break, leaning forward against the table and letting your laugh erupt out of you like some kind of overflowing bubble.

Your eyes are practically sewn shut, and you breathe in just moments before jump starting another round of laughter from everyone around you. Including Ellie.

God, you had loved it when you made her laugh. It usually happens when you aren't trying. But it was worth it all regardless, just to see her lips break apart with the sound of your laugh alone, her teeth revealing themselves before she hung her head away from you to try and regulate herself.

She never knew you noticed that about her.

When you finally opened your eyes, letting the stars clear from your vision, you saw Ellie’s head had fallen back, and a wide grin was etched into her freckled face, the red hue blending between the constellations of her skin.

You felt Dina’s eyes on you just then, barely deep enough to cause you to look over at her and watch the look wipe itself right off her face. Did she see the way you were looking at Ellie? Did Jesse? Did everyone?

The two of you hadn't told anyone about what had gone on last week, mostly because you yourself didn’t really know. You had never ever expected for Ellie to admit she felt the same way as you did, let alone first.

Since then, the two of you had definitely been more than friends, but it was just that. You were still obviously friends, there was just a shift. You two still hung out as much as you did before, just now, they lasted longer. Day’s usually. And you had started going with Ellie to the stables more often, saying goodbye to her and coming back after her patrol shift was over if you weren’t busy working.

Your days usually ended the same, either you coming to Ellie, or her meeting you wherever you were scheduled that day. (mostly the greenhouse.)

It had worked better when you were scheduled to actually be working in the stables, helping prep Shimmer and the rest of the horses that were going out that day, or cleaning out their beds and refilling their water after it had frozen over. But you still went. You couldn’t stand not being around Ellie now that you were… more than friends.

There was a sudden worry in your stomach every time you watched her leave from behind Jacksons gates, the gnawing feeling eating away at you that there was a possibility that she couldn’t come back.

You liked Ellie, a lot. Definitely more than a friend, and more than all the words at your disposal. You would do anything you could to make her happy, to keep that part of her that is buried in fear and everything else she hasn’t told you alive. You wanted to push her buttons just enough to make her pinch at the sides of your waist in retaliation and cause you to try and get away from her grasp with scream laughs following behind you.

And to state the obvious, you wanted Ellie, period. You wanted her to touch you like no one else had ever before, even yourself. The execution is what had you stumped though. The line was blurry for you, and you weren’t sure if and how you were supposed to go about all of this. You were too afraid to ask.

And Ellie would never make fun of you, really if you did ask… but you knew that she had been with Cat, and you knew that she had more experience than you. And it made you feel kind of intimidated, and kind of jealous if you were totally honest. You had wanted to keep Ellie all for yourself, for your eyes only.

Which of course you knew was a little unhealthy, but you really couldn’t help yourself. She was Ellie. Everyone who really knew her loved her, how could you not?

You rested your eyes on your lap just then, drawing back into the reality of Jesse’s stupid remark. And her hand had rested high on your thigh, rubbing slow circles there as she tried to rid herself of the jokes Jesse was about to make. You had to pretend you were totally unaffected by it, when in truth you wanted to drag her to the bathroom right then and there.

You didn’t though, obviously.

A few hours later, after you, Dina, and Jesse had somehow fallen accomplices to Ellie’s stupid prank, you were sitting around in the dining hall watching the first half of Summer Magic.

There were fewer parents than all of you had expected, but the ones who did end up coming were asleep near the back of the room or leaning against the posts with bored expressions laid thickly on their faces.

You watched as Ellie sat next to you, her arms folded over her chest with a devious glare planted across her face, the light from the projector completely giving her away.

You then look back at Dina who was sitting a few seats behind you, closer to the for-mentioned projector and quite literally sitting on the key ingredient in the form of an old dinged up VHS tape.

Her eyes flickered from the screen to yours, and for nearly half a second, you could have sworn she had rolled her eyes at you.

Ellie noticed your head turn, and free’d a hand from her position to rest it on your leg. “Relax, we're not gonna get caught. Dina’ll throw them off.” and she offered you a small smile, squeezing your thigh lovingly.

Oh it wasn’t getting caught what had made you so nervous, it was the look in Dina’s eyes that read I know what you’re doing.

Soon enough, you did actually relax back into the movie, Ellie’s hand warm against the fabric of your jeans and her thumb slowly moving back and forth to decompress your anxiety.

It unfortunately didn’t last long, because just when you shifted positions to lay your head against her shoulder, the screen had gone dark and the room had swarmed with loud sounds of all the kids groaning and screeching to the sudden darkness of the room.

You had almost done the same, not knowing that Jesse was going to switch all the lights off at once.

Ellie had perked her head up then, watching from her dilated pupils, children standing from their seats and trying hopelessly to find their parents in the pitch black of the dining hall.

It was kind of cruel, watching how much she was enjoying it. You tugged on the sleeve of her gray hoodie, getting her attention. “Ellie, I think this is too much. We should stop before someone narc’s.”

She looked at you for a moment contemplating it. She did kind of feel a little guilty. Not for the kids though, but for you. She could tell how much it upset you, watching all of these little kids run around aimlessly trying to find their parents. It made her wonder if it had reminded you of what it was like before coming to Jackson. She had never had the courage to ask, she was too scared to figure out the answer.

Ellie didn’t want to picture you like one of these kids, screaming with tears running down their small cheeks and their voice cracking as they all yelled for the same thing. Protection. Ellie could give that to you, she knew that.

She hesitated. “I– okay. Okay. You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll find Dina, tell her there’s a change in plans. Okay?” and it's almost worrisome, how hard the sigh fell from your lips when the words “I’m sorry.” echoed in your ears.

“Okay.” and you stood up with Ellie, pecking her lips before thinking on it. She pulled her head back, and you could almost feel the confusion radiate off her.

Her hand had squeezed yours momentarily. “I’ll be right back.” and there was one last pinch to your fingers just as the screen lit up, an off-white flooding everyone's eyes.

It was then that you saw all of the kids scattered around the room, some huddled together in groups, and others backs flat against the large windows, hands still spread out in front of them in search.

The horror of their faces flushed the color from your face. They were just kids. And even if it was just a stupid prank, it was real to them. It was like their world was ending all over again.

But it was too late, because there it was, frame for frame what Ellie had talked about just hours before. The street post in full view as the people paraded the street with ease.

Ellie swore under her breath. “Shit.”

She turned her head around frantically, trying to find Dina, only she was now across the room, kneeling down in front of a little girl who was sobbing uncontrollably.

“Ellie,” you said, and there was a twinge in your eye that screamed, stop.

She looked down at you, watching as you shook your head slowly, eyes fighting the tears that so desperately wanted to pool there.

It was then that Seth had stepped into the center of the room, a mere few feet from the screening. “What’s going on here?!” he yelled, trying to find someone in the crowd to blame.

His eyes cut into your and Ellie’s, and he could see from the look on your face that you were scared, and after he realized that… he glanced over to a group of tween boys who were huddled around in a small group. “HEY!” he said pointedly, cutting their group apart with the snap of his dirtied fingernail.

The boys looked up, a different kind of fear ringing off of them. They dispersed almost instantly, moving away to find their younger siblings who were all still crying.

“Who’s doing this?” and he was spinning slowly, trying to make blame.

But it's then that the echo of Pennywise’s voice breaks the sudden silence, instantly turning him and the rest of the kids faces white.

“I’ll kill you all. Ha! I’ll drive you crazy and KILL you all!” Seth had suddenly stopped and stared straight up at the screen, his face dropping completely as he gulped down his fear.

This wasn’t part of the joke, to single him out and make him quite near piss his pants in terror. But it was somewhat entertaining to watch considering what had happened after you left Ellie and Dina on the dancefloor.

Ellie had told you a few days ago, laying flat on her back with a joint resting gently on the makeshift ashtray she had made from a small piece of wood.

You watched as she blew the smoke from her lips, curling in on itself while desperately trying to cling to the ceiling above.

It had made you mad, and Ellie just as much. Even if she didn’t like Dina like that, it was uncalled for in the first place.

Back in the dining hall, watching all of this unfold, Ellie stood there frozen, helpless. She didn’t know what to do. She knew what she should do, she should pull the plug and take the blame for all of it. But that was a harder bridge to cross when she enjoyed the terror that struck through Seth’s face as he watched a fictional clown threaten to kill him.

“I am your worst dream, come true! I’m everything you ever were afraid of!”

Ellie turns her attention away from him momentarily, seeing the curtain ripple just for a few seconds, seeing the flash of Jesse’s shoe slowly creep across the floor behind the screen.

You saw it too, knowing exactly what was to come before Ellie blinked in recognition.

And the entire room went quiet, unable to look away just as Pennywises’ hand curls into a claw and Jesse is jumping out from behind the sheet to tackle Seth to the ground with a loud thud.

He screams, and Ellie can’t help herself but laugh, folding in on herself as she places her hands on her knees. It was truly a sight. Seth is on the ground, kicking and screaming like his life depends on it, all while the rest of the kids and adults watch, doing nothing.

You can hear Jesse's faint laugh, a low chuckle shredding through the fabric and sending Seth into a spiral of utter fear. It was kind of ironic how afraid of clowns he seemed to be when he was one himself.

The smell came before anything else, and it hit Jesse first, causing him to jump off of him with a gag to follow. “Did you piss your pants?” he says, just loud enough to reach the ears of the gaggle of tween boys that were standing near the front of the room.

“Holy shit! He pissed himself!” and that’s what started the domino effect of laughter, soon filling the room with giggles from the children who had all finally sponged up all their tears.

You followed suit too, giggling into your hand before hearing Ellie cackle, her head falling back and a loud laugh erupting deep from within her lungs. She had been holding that one in for some time.

As the laughter had begun to subside, the door could be heard slamming on his hinges, and a few moments later the lights flickered back on and Tommy was standing next to Maria. Fumming.

Oh shit.

Ellie straightened up at the sight of him, knowing that they had all been caught. Not just Dina and Jesse, but the entire room.

Tommy eyed the two of you, squaring you away in his head. Ellie’s eyes had glazed over from her laughter, but were soon pushed away to the corners when she cleared her throat.

He looked over his shoulder, watching as Seth had struggled to stand with a big wet spot on the crotch of his khasis. Wincing, he took a few steps over toward him.

“Seth,” he said, a little hesitantly. “What happened here?” and it was then that he finally found the strength to pull himself upright, not hesitating to rat you all out.

“Those kids, is what happened! They ambushed me, and that one even assaulted me!” he yelled, pointing to Jesse who had the sheet balled up in his arms across the room.

Tommy eyed him, and then without saying a word he shoved the sheet over to one of the boys next to him.

“You guys wanna tell me what the hell just happened back there?” the four of you stood outside in the cold, your winter jackets folded in your arms unprepared for the sudden eviction.

You didn’t even have to look up from your spot on the ground when Ellie had chirped up an apology. “It was all my fault. My idea, they didn’t have anything to do with it.” and she eyed up Tommy, begging him to take the bait she laid out for him.

He sighed, and blew out a sigh. “Wh… I- Jesus, I can’t deal with all of this. Just go home. All of you.” Tommy was beyond frustrated, but he didn’t have it in him to give out punishments right now. He was going to leave that to Maria.

“Tommy, they aren’t a part of this-”

He looked at her, and then one by one, the rest of the group. “Go. Home. We’ll settle this in the morning.” and he didn’t wait a second more to turn his back on the four of you and return inside. Slamming the door for a second time.

As soon as the door is calm against its frame, Jesse turns inward and slings his jacket on. “Told ya,” and he shrugs his shoulders before shoving them deep into his pockets.

Ellie’s eyes are glued to the still door, making sure that it stayed shut until you all left. Which would probably be sooner or later, considering it was freezing and it would take a few minutes to get home.

“He got what he deserved.” and Ellie pulled her coat over her shoulders, nudging you with an elbow to silently tell you to do the same.

“Guess so.” he said before looking over at Dina, who was looking right at Ellie.

You tried not to overthink it… but it was so hard to look away when it felt like you were looking in a mirror, watching Dina look at Ellie the same way you had been for months.

Ellie finally perked up, her voice hugging around your waist with a sting. Her hand was freezing under your shirt. You prayed no one noticed, but of course they did.

“Hey, you guys wanna come hang out? We can get drunk and play board games, just like you wanted.” and her hand slips out from beneath your skin to playfully backhand Jesse’s arm.

You didn’t want her to let go, your skin forming goosebumps in protest, the silent and microscopic atoms of your skin trying to prick hers and lock them together forever.

But of course she did, she had to. Because she knew if she didn’t she would want to hold you forever.

Ellie was hopeless, in her mind. She had tried over and over again to try and forget that she had essentially spilled her guts to you last week. She wanted to tell you she had lied, or that she didn’t mean any of it, or trick herself into thinking none of it had even happened in the first place. But of course it did, and of course she had meant every word she said.

You liked her. And she liked you. It was as simple as that.

But of course, it wasn’t. These feelings were too big, too overwhelming and neither you or Ellie had any idea what to do with all of them. And sure, maybe they had been slowly spilling out into tonight, or yesterday, or a few days before that… but what would happen if they exploded, and made a huge mess of everything.

What if Ellie had something she didn’t mean, all because she was so fucking nervous to mess this up. To make you hate her. She feared it everyday since she met you, and that fear would either fuel her to do what she desperately wants, or eat her alive until she's nothing but a shaky bundle of nothing.

Jesse looked to Dina, hoping she might help him tell a flawless lie. “Ah, we probably shouldn’t. We’re probably gonna get scheduled to patrol because of tonight. Soon though.” and he shrugged an arm over Dina’s left shoulder.

Her eyes cut to you for the split of a second, just enough to make you squirm and look at your feet.

Ellie of course didn’t catch on. “Yeah, sure.” and she cocked her head up at him as the two of them walked off, making thin footprints in the snow.

“I thought you said you talked to her.” and you look up to meet Ellie’s eyes. Your lips were tucked in an unforgiving line. You were just the tiniest bit mad. You hated the fact that she didn’t like you, more so that you didn’t know what you did wrong.

“I did! She said she didn’t know what I was talking about. I let it go.” and she seemed genuine. But really? She didn’t know what you were talking about?

Before you could fire back, before a single word slipped past your lips, Ellie spoke again.

“How come you kissed me in there?” Ellie says now, the threat of a smile on her lips.

You drew back a bit, shocked. “Um, I dunno. I didn’t think about it.” and you search her face, trying to blink a response out of her. “Can you not change the subject?”

“I was kinda surprised if I'm being honest. It’s so… not you.”

You were fumbling, your hands clasping together to try and gain some control back into your system. “Ellie, you said you woul– wait, what do you mean not like me?”

Ellie’s smirk was hiding in plain sight. She was getting a rise out of you. And successfully changing the subject. Her hands found their way to her pockets, shoving them deep inside for warmth. “I just… I dunno. It was different from how you usually act.”

You knew secretly what Ellie meant. And she was right. It WAS out of character. But in the moment, in that dark room with over at least 200 people inside, that same feeling came flooding back into your stomach, and before you knew it you were kissing Ellie how you would if she were being sent off overseas. “I just… wanted to. Was it weird?” and you look at Ellie for approval, hoping she would tell you no. And if by some chance she said yes, you hoped she would let you down easily.

But she laughed, her breath catching the light just outside the building that was beaming down on the two of you and reflecting the glistening snow. “No. I thought it was kind of cute.”

“Shut up.” you said, nudging her just enough to express another laugh from her before speaking up again. “What did Dina say?”

“She doesn’t hate you, I’ll tell you that much.” and Ellie laughed again, but this time, it was stale, dried up and knocking against her throat on its way up.

“Ellie.” you couldn’t find her eyes, she was avoiding you.

She looked a little flushed now, even a little frustrated that you could easily get past her bullshit of a lie. Which wasn’t completely, it was a half truth.

“Okay, so she didn’t say it, but I mean it’s what she meant. Swear. She likes you.”

She didn’t hate you, that was true. In fact, it was the complete opposite.

Ellie hesitates, before pulling a hand from her pocket to slot it in with yours. She doesn’t know if she should even be doing stuff like this, and to be completely honest, she has no fucking clue what she’s doing. And her lips quiver. She convinces herself it's because it's cold out. But god she’s so afraid.

Ellie somehow managed to get you as her friend, but now, now is when it mattered. She didn’t want to fuck it up. She didn’t want to cross a line that she couldn’t take her word back on, lie her way out of or make a stupid joke to make you forget about it.

She was more than lucky to have met you, and certainly the luckiest girl in the entire world to have you like her. And she liked her just as much, probably even a little more.

How could she not? How could someone so bright walk into a place like this and not have people drawn into your beaming light and infectious laugh? It certainly worked for Ellie, there must have been half a dozen people who thought the same as her.

Your eyes drift from your locked hands to her face, she’s staring right at you. Right through you. “She likes me? Really?” and the smile is soft on your purpling lips.

“Yeah.”

You sigh, a little relieved. “She has a hard time showing it. More than you.” and you chuckle before wrapping an arm around her back, drawing her closer to you.

She was warm. Finally.

You opened Ellie’s door with ease, the laughter pushing you further and further inside with her hand on the small of your back and the other clutching a wine bottle.

She was covered in snow from head to toe. All to hear those giggles that were echoing around the room. Ellie had never been much of a drinker, but when she did occasionally, man was it a sight. She had shed her protective shield, leaving her to act like a 14-year-old boy who thought the word “Balls” was the funniest thing in the world.

Where you had even gotten the wine? Neither of you could really remember. But what you can picture clear as day is Ellie standing with her arms stretched out wide, with the bottle in one hand and the other flailing around as she yelled at the top of her lungs how much she loved Shimmer.

The snow was piled high, leaving you to stand at the bottom to watch as she confessed her love for her horse.

“She- she’s amazing. She… she’s such a good horse.” and she stood there, holding in a breath just seconds before exhaling with a laugh, something so deep in her stomach that hearing it made you do the same. You loved seeing her laugh, and so far this was the most of it you had seen since you met her.

“Ellie! Be careful, you’re gonna fall.” you said, the giggles threatening to rise in your voice as you watched her slowly move her hips back and forth. It was then that the snow mound had shifted under her foot, causing her to drunkenly slide down the side of it with an “Oof” and the wine to splatter across the blinding snow. It had painted itself all over Ellie, almost looking like blood in your hazy vision.

You couldn't help but laugh, and a minute later after you had come back to earth to see Ellie was laying down on her back chuckling to herself quietly.

“Are you okay?” you ask. Your hand flew over your mouth to smother your laugh.

Ellie was unsure, considering the sharp pain that was quickly forming against her back, the ice burning a hole there at what felt like lightning speed. But as soon as she saw your face, and had seen the glimmer reflecting off of the snow. She was perfectly fine.

“Yeah,” she said, taking the bottle to her lips and chugging down a few gulps. Ellie never liked drinking much, she didn’t like how it made her feel. IE: horny. Horny for you, most definitely.

The tingle in her legs had begun to grow the second that you bent over to help her stand, and the flash of your cleavage sent a bold brush stroke through her. She looked away, but the image was already burned behind her tightly shut eyes.

Fuck, she wanted you so bad, it had made her dizzy. Or was that because of how fast she stood up? Now she didn’t know. It didn’t stop her from kissing you though, with one hand clasped around yours and the other hanging onto the half empty wine bottle.

Your hand had touched the side of her face gingerly, and the feeling of her warm skin lit something bright inside you. So much so that it nearly poured right out of you with a quiet moan against Ellie’s lips.

They couldn’t do this here. But god did they want to. Both of them, right now, had never felt how their skin was on fire. Especially Ellie. And now she could crave that feeling for the rest of her life, chasing the high of your lips and the small sounds you made when she touched you.

“Let’s go,” you breathed against her, and without hesitating Ellie passed you the bottle and dragged you by the hand until you were back inside her room.

You both stood there now, a little breathless and unsure of what to do.

Ellie was undoubtedly covered in wine AND snow, and you were covered in goosebumps from watching her strip off her layers, leaving her in a white tank top and her jeans.

“This fuckin’...” she trailed off, and shimmied the sleeve of her hoodie off of her, tossing it on the ground next to her. You looked at her, mouth hanging open with dilated pupils. A look full of lust.

There's a knot inside your throat, tying the words together so tightly that all you can do is breathe, watching Ellie as she steps closer to you. To her bed.

Her hand is in yours again, and she’s taking you so far, tipping you over the edge of something that can never be undone. There are no do-overs. This is it. And it's happening, now.

“Ellie,” you rasp just as she sits on the edge of her bed, her hands instantly flying to cup your hips and draw you in closer.

She looks up at you. And the thought fuzzies out all of your other worries, underlining it in bold black ink. You want Ellie. You want to grip at her thighs and feel the wetness between her legs. You wanted to be between those same legs.

“I want you.” and you can’t fucking believe the words left your mouth, low and a little slurred. But it was true. It was all so unbelievably true that you had to laugh.

“Why are you laughing?” Ellie said, moving her hand ever so slightly off its comfortable place on your waist, flaring out her fingers to enunciate her question.

Your head fell between your shoulders, hovering over hers. “I don’t know.” you knew. You were so nervous. Excited, but nervous. Because it was real. And so was she. And so were her thumbs slowly making circles on your hot skin.

“Are you nervous?” she asked.

Was it that obvious? You couldn’t even look at her when you said quietly, “Yeah…”

Ellie cocked her head down, searching for eye contact. “Why?”

“You make me nervous. All of this does. I dunno.”

Ellie was baffled. She made you nervous? Oh, if only she knew. “I- I make you nervous?” and there was something playful behind her words, something that only made the smile on your lips grow. “Why do I make you nervous?” and her hands crept forward, to the opening of your jacket, threatening to pull it off of you.

You gulp back your words, a hitch in your voice when you finally find them again. “Because… I’ve never, I- I dunno. You just do.” and your coat is on the floor by now, leaving you in a gray long sleeve shirt.

“You never what?” her hands were making you dizzy, your eyes shutting softly before Ellie shifted your shirt just under your ribs and exposing your stomach.

The same stomach that was doing flips on itself, aching for something to touch it deep down inside.

Your breathing was uneven, shaky in some places and so, so shallow in others, unable to catch it.

“I’ve… never done anything before. B- by myself, but.. No one else.” and it was then that Ellie’s hands stilled against your skin, almost like they were suddenly same-faced magnets.

Your eyes met hers with a shrilling silence. The kind that burned.

“You’ve never…?” and all you could do was shake your head.

“No. But I want to. I want… you. I want to… you know, on you,” and the words were barely audible, even with Ellie this close. She was utterly shocked. You wanted… to go down on her? Ellie couldn’t fucking believe it. Her timid, giggly best friend –more than best friend– had just admitted that she wanted to eat her out.

Ellie had never been more turned on, and she didn’t even need a reason for it. She knew, she knew then that it was because of you, and because of those two words “on you” that checked Ellie into a state of mind she never wanted to leave.

“Oh yeah?” she was losing it. Big time.

Ellie’s cheeks were on fucking fire, she was burning up from the inside out, a pool of wetness already filling her underwear. She gripped your hips a little tighter now, unleashing the part of herself that she never wanted you to see, the greedy part. She was so fucking greedy, and she wanted you all to herself. She wanted to mark you as hers somehow, and show you off to all of Jackson.

She kissed you like you were the sun, soaking you in after a long 10-month drought. Your hands flew flat against her shoulders, trying to stabilize yourself before she was leaning you back, her back resting gently against the mattress while your hands boxed her in.

A suppressed moan slipped from your lips, feeling her hands ride up your sides and traveling across your back to snap your bra strap. Her chuckle etched its way across your skin before her nails scratched their way back around to the front and dipped below the button of your jeans.

“Fuck,” her voice was low against your skin. You wanted her to say it again. You wanted her to never stop talking, ever. You wanted her to do everything to you. Everything. You wanted Ellie so bad nothing else mattered to you right now as much as the desperate need to feel as much of her skin on yours.

“Ellie.” you said her name like a warning, the sirens in your head going off with the shift of your body, inching closer to her zipper.

Your shaking hands fumbled there, unsure if there was a certain way you were supposed to take off someone else’s pants, all while they watched. Ellie had now sat up on her elbows, resting there with her eyes glued on you, glued on how your delicate hands were brushing up against her folds that were pressed up against the crotch of her jeans.

Your hands gently pulled them off her hips, dipping underneath before Ellie bucked upward to help you. It was then that you had felt how hot her skin was. And it was all because of you. Because of your mouth and your hands that raked against Ellie’s thighs mercilessly.

You eventually got them off, hanging low around her ankles as one by one you took off her shoes and the rest of her jeans, now completely leaving her exposed besides the thin material of her tank top and underwear.

Ellie had fully sat up soon after, the look in her eyes pungent with lust as she quickly unfastened the button on your pants and stripping them off you with ease. You held onto her shoulders for support as you finished stepping out of them.

Oh so that’s how you do it.

She lifted her head up quickly, just seconds before her hands slowly grazed the bare skin of your thighs. You were so reactive, and Ellie loved every second of it. She knew that if you weren’t covered in goosebumps, you would be soon.

But she stopped herself then. She wanted to let you do what you wanted to do. To go down on her, as you said yourself. Ellie’s hands lifted away from you and you suddenly missed the feeling, leaning into her to try and fall back in her orbit.

“Say it.” was all Ellie said, holding her hands away from you in protest. She was refusing one of the only things you wanted, and that made her bloom with a tingle between her legs. Seeing the look on your face. The way you so badly wanted her.

You snapped back to, reeling back from Ellie. The look in her eye was all consuming. something that no matter how hard you wanted to look away from, you couldn’t. So you spoke instead. Low, with a slight rasp. “I want… I want you Ellie. Please. To go down on you. Let me, let me please.”

Please. Saying her name was more than enough, but the please. Oh you could have her any way you wanted. She loved the way it rang in her ears. So much so that she scooted away from you, setting herself up against her headboard. Just for you.

“C’mere,” Ellie said, and there was no more hesitation. This was it. This was fucking it. You were starving, and Ellie had just offered you to feast.

You were soon following suit, crawling onto Ellie’s bed, and sitting gently on your knees. You found yourself waiting for Ellie to give you further instructions. You wanted to please her, and please her. You wanted to do this justice, memorable even.

You actually found yourself asking for help. “Um… what next?” and you pulled your hair behind your ears with a slight shake to your hands. You were unbelievable.

Ellie looked a little blank then, realizing you really had no idea what to do, she found it cute. And kind of hot if she was being honest. The thought of you being so selfless and wanting to please her, when she hadn’t even asked. that is what Ellie was thinking as you sat on your knees in front of her. For her.

“Do.. you want me t’ tell you?” and she was only met with a singular nod, one that had only made her fume with desire.

“Yes. tell me, please.” and you were whining. You didn’t care.

“Okay.” was all Ellie could say. Her heart was beating out of her fucking chest.

She held out her hand for you, her fingers curling around themselves to usher you in, in between her legs that were already spread for you. “C’mere, for a sec,” and her hands found the soft spot behind your ears, pulling you into her so much that your chest was pressed hard against hers.

The moan vibrates through you, sending a shrill of wetness to collect between your legs. And those same legs had just done the unthinkable, a single knee slotting between the soft spot of Ellie’s clothed cunt.

Her mouth fell open with a moan crashing against you, snapping and cracking into yours. She felt it. You did it again, rubbing your bare knee against her core, getting the same reaction from her. It made the smile on your face shift to a grin. You felt so much pride.

“That– fuck.” Ellie mumbled out, her hands still resting lazily behind your ears. She wasn’t letting you go.

You continued, letting your knee move up and down against her wet folds, sending mass signals to keep going by the sensation that was building up in your stomach listening to the deep sounds that came from within Ellie.

She kissed you again, this time, letting her hands finally fall from their position on your face. Fuck, she needed you now. There was no time for teaching. She wanted your mouth on her cunt, and she wanted it now.

One last moan and Ellie was nearly unraveling, her hands swiftly moving to stop your knee from shifting against her. “Now.” she whispered.

You followed orders, and with her help, you stripped her of her underwear and soon you were met with the rarest sight of her pink pussy.

It was slick with her fluids, nearly glistening against the moonlight that creeped through the curtains, lighting up your back moments later when you inch toward Ellie’s pulsing cunt.

“Just…” Ellie was breathless, her chest rising and falling with hot anticipation.

You wanted to please her, and give her what she deserves. So it's then that you swallow back your worries and attach your lips to her burning nub. Your tongue ran slow circles around it, unsure if what you were doing before Ellie’s hands touched the top of your head, her hands fumbling with strands of your hair and then pressing your head closer to you. Skin to skin. Just like you wanted.

You took her clit between your lips sucking generously as you pulled a groan from deep within Ellie’s stomach, the cord there stretching with ease.

“F…” she mumbled, and Ellie’s fingers were tangled in your hair, curling and pinching at the root. It only made you hornier.

Your tongue danced against the bundle of nerves between her legs, just before you let it lay flat against her folds to collect the wetness for you to taste. Unexpectedly sweet. You did it a few more times, not getting enough. The voice in your head had diminished, leaving you to place your hand between those same pink folds and caress them slowly.

Edging. You were edging her, and you hadn’t even known it. Some part of you had just known exactly what to do. You just needed a little shove. Like Ellie’s hands, pushing your head down again and arching her back off of her bed to try and bring herself closer.

She let out what could only be described as a pornographic moan, a sound so guttural that your free hand had actually rode up the center of Ellie’s stomach, holding it in place as you began to unravel her from her tight knot.

It was when your fingers had dipped through her tight walls, the sensation alone making you moan against her heat before Ellie finally released her hands from you and let them fly toward her sides, flexing her fingers wide in preparation for the orgasm that was soon to come.

“Fuck, shit… jus’ right.. there.” and you felt her stomach tighten, tipping over that same edge.

Two of your fingers had slowly started pumping in and out of her, so agonizingly slow, but soon were quick enough to cause Ellie to lose her breath and draw in as much air as she could before stopping all together.

The sudden image flooded Ellie’s brain, smudging in the messy lines of your hair falling against her thigh as you devoured her whole. It was thrilling seeing you like this– in a position Ellie never could've even imagined you in– with your ass perked up, your stomach relaxing against the mattress just barely grazing it, and the small of it on full display as your shirt was still coiled up below your ibs, a little higher now, barely revealing your bra strap. But it was perfect. It was all so perfect.

Her orgasm hit her hard. Sending her flying over the edge with a loud groan, followed by the snapping of the cord in her stomach and warm liquid dripping from her as she clenched hard around your fingers.

You soaked up her cum, licking it with the tip of your tongue as you continued to help her from what you must have known was her high.

Ellie arched her back against the hand on her stomach then wrapped both hands around your forearm to ground herself. She was soaring, clenching around your gentle fingers as you fucked her with what she thought had to be the hands and mouth of someone who’d done this before.

Her mouth was agape. She couldn’t stop, letting the moans roll out of her with ease. She didn’t fight it. She couldn’t. Ellie was stupid to think that this would’ve never happened. Because if it wasn’t you, it’d be her between your legs. Which is what she so desperately craved.

“Fuck.” Ellie finally said. Her fingers were still wrapped around your arm, tight enough to leave crescent shaped marks that might even bruise.

You drew back to catch your breath, wanting to go back in for more before she had stopped you, gently tugging on your arm to pull you up closer to her. She looked at you in the low light, the glisten of your spit and her cum all over your face. Traveling as far as the tip of your nose and a single bead down the center of your neck. You were covered. And it pleased Ellie more than she’d ever admit –if it weren't for the look of lust piercing through your eyes, wide like a spooked cat–

“Where, the fuck did you learn that?” she asked you, the hold on your forearm strong, but not painful.

You licked your lips and managed to collect the sweet taste of Ellie before you spoke. “I–”

“Did you just lick your lip?” and Ellie was completely stunned. You had licked your lip. You licked your lip. Surely you were asking to be fucked.

“What?” and you threw your hands up at your sides with a laugh. You knew what you were doing. You loved getting this kind of reaction out of her. And there was a small tingling feeling in the nape of your neck that told you you had ticked her off enough to get something out of it for yourself.

“You're such’a brat.'' Ellie smirked.

In the matter of seconds, the hold on your hips was so tight that she had managed to flip you on your back with ease and the tiniest yelp to escape past your lips. Ellie’s lips connected with yours, dipping her tongue in your mouth with whatever resistance she had left as her hands tugged at your underwear before pulling them off in one fast motion.

You had gone so slowly with her that her fuse had come and gone, leaving her to hungrily take you in her hands like a fucking animal.

“Shit,” she teased, a hand cupping your dripping pussy, all for me, she thought. And that was true. It was all for her, it always was.

And then she asked, the two words that were echoing inside your head now with her voice pinning them down permanently. “For me?” and the smirk had developed fully now, all of the ink flooding to her face, a red hue visible to you even in the dark.

Her fingers found themselves hovering over your clit, rubbing the lightest circles possible with the pad of her finger just barely grazing it. This alone made your back contort forward, meeting Ellie heart to heart. Both yours and hers beating out of their chests.

The moan that echoed into Ellie’s mouth was low, almost like a whisper. But Jesus did it make her want to hear it again. Again and again and again she wanted it. She fucking needed it. She needed to hear how good she was making you feel, even if this was just the start.

Ellie held herself back with what little resistance she had left in her, planting a sloppy kiss on your lips before she drew back from you to sit on her knees. Her legs were spread wide enough that the reminisce of her unmade bed and rumpled comforter just barely grazed against her irritated clit, sending a shock through her in the form of a wince and the biting of her bottom lip. Along with a sudden jolt of her hips, adjusting herself closer to you.

Her hand shifts again, palming your cunt with a light hand, only to suddenly reel it back and slap it playfully. It wasn’t a mean smack, just enough of one to send you rolling forward and upright. Your hands now holding you up and eyeing Ellie with the slightest bit of worry spread across your face. You had never seen her act this way toward you. So dark… and vulgar. And you of course had never had her hit you. But there was something about it that you kind of… liked. It was indescribable, the feeling you got when the sting reached you. It… it woke something up, something that was always there. And there was a sudden hunger for it that only she could and would fill.

“Do that again.” you said, and the words sounded so matter-of-fact coming out of your mouth that Ellie didn’t even hesitate before there was a small cold gust of air that flooded your core when her hand drew away from you, only to come crashing down with a stifling smack that made the moan in your throat stagger out in broken breaths.

Ellie wanted the image burned inside her brain for the rest of her life. And her wish was granted when she had quickly laid her thigh over yours, wasting absolutely no time and turning herself at the perfect angle to align your dripping pussies.

Your hand is fumbling to touch Ellie, to touch any part of her really. And when you run your fingers along your leg, you meet with the edge of Ellie’s hip. You grip hard against her skin, pulling her forward until you meet flesh to flesh. The feeling alone seals your eyes shut with a flutter. And soon after Ellie’s drawing comes to life.

You with your mouth agape, and your eyes pinched shut along with your brows that had begun to pull together. She hadn’t even shifted against you, but feeling her warmth against you was already sending floods of blood to pump through your entire body.

This doesn’t last nearly long enough because Ellie lifts your leg up over one shoulder and grinds herself against you, fast. She gives you no warning, her hot heat rippling against yours like a bullet at a high speed, sending wave after wave of pleasure to shoot through you with a loud and unexpected moan.

Ellie laughed, but that didn’t stop her. No. Now, her only mission was making you feel how she’s been dying to for months; and a little extra, because after all… you really had deserved it.

She gripped onto the back of your thigh with both of her hands, opening your legs wider to make sure you felt as much of her as possible. She wanted to dive into your slippery folds, soak up every ounce of wetness that was designed just for her.

And she did just that, continuing to thrust against you until the moans were bubbling out of you, with no remorse. You were flooded with feeling, tingling from head to toe with the way Ellie felt against you. It was everything you had ever thought and so so so much more.

This did not feel the same as when you did it, your hand disappearing below the elastic of your underwear to feel how turned on you were after waking yourself up from a wet dream in the middle of the night. Your hand was sloppy as it swept back and forth your swollen clit, your other hand cupping and playing with your ice cold nipple, trying to sooth yourself any way you could.

But Ellie was persistent, her rhythm proficient as she pulled and pushed against your core, soft moans leaving her perfect bow-shaped lips.

It wasnt much later that your soft whimpers transformed into earth shattering moans, leaving you completely breathless as Ellie fucked you into the next 10 years.

Her hand grazed your bare abdomen, tugging at the fabric of your shirt to motion for you to take it off. Which you did absentmindedly, lazily pulling it up past your breasts and over your head, along with your sports bra soon after to reveal all of you to Ellie.

“Fuck, just like I pictured,” and her voice was light, clearly out of breath and raspy because of it.

She reached forward, cupping your tit with her ice cold hand. The moan had lodged itself back down your throat at the feeling, sending an immediate signal for your nipples to harden ever more than they already were.

“Ellie,” you croak. You were close, the knot in your stomach tightening with every thrust she made.

“Fuck.” her stomach was hollowing out, spilling all over you with a low bellow falling from her lips uncontrollably, gripping into your breast as she continued to grind herself against you,more rapidly now.

“Fuck, Ellie. Shit!” and you were gripping the sheets of Ellie’s bed like your own, coming so close against her that she felt it, she could feel your walls clenching around nothing but her lips.

Your orgasm washed over you completely. You let yourself ride out the high with no remorse, your leg shaking hard over Ellie’s shoulder while she slowed her pace to bring you down together.

You opened your eyes a few moments later, letting yet another moan fall from your lips while you watched Ellie’s chest heave with every shallow breath she took.

Her grip on your tit had softened but not before the shape of her nails were imprinted on the soft skin there. You hadn’t minded though. You liked knowing the next morning that you really didn’t dream it.

“Shit.” you whisper, trying to find Ellie’s eyes.

Once she notices your voice, her eyes shift toward you and she rests your leg back down against her bed gently just as she untangles herself from you and rests down next to you.

Ellie comes back down slowly, thousands of images running on the insides of her head with the speed of her heartbeat, fueling them all.

“Hey,” you say, gently rubbing small circles against her back.

Ellie doesn’t say a word. She can’t. Her head is traveling with her inside and she can’t slow it down no matter how hard she tries. But when she feels the light touch of your hand against her, she’s drawn back, back inside her room, with you. Just you.

She looks at you over her shoulder just moments before she sees your legs shake, the goosebumps prominent against your skin due to Ellie herself and because suddenly, with no clothes on in what previously was a garage, you realize just how cold it was in here.

Ellie does too, and she reaches over you to grab ahold of her comforter to pull it up and over your shivering body. It warmed you instantly, along with the feeling of Ellie laying down beside you and finally speaking. “Holy shit.”

She’s laying down on her back next to you, staring up at the ceiling as you watch, your elbow propping up your head to get a better view of her profile.

She's silent for a beat, not knowing if she should say what she’s dying to. She really likes you. Ellie wants you, more than a friend, more than anything. And she wants you to know, and tell her the same thing. But what if you didn’t–

“I really like you.” she says. Her eyes go wide. She’s afraid to move, praying that maybe you had already fallen asleep and hadn’t heard her.

But you were awake. You were stunned back into the reality of Ellie telling you the same thing you were thinking and had been for quite some time.

You blush. “I really like you too.”

The small smile on your face grew when Ellie's head turned along with her body to face you head on. Her breath had caught in her throat, a shaky and shallow version taking its place as she reached with curled fingers to place a stand of hair behind your ear

She needed to know. “Was it okay?” and she met your eyes, the uncertainty in them was cute to you. You found it so sweet that she was worried.

“No.” you said, breathing in slowly. You were fucking with her, prodding for a raction.

“No?” and she reeled her hand away from your face. She was kicking herself– of course it wasn’t okay. She had no clue what she was doing. She shouldn’t have kissed you, in the greenhouse, tonight… she–

“I’m fucking with you.” and you can’t help but giggle into your arm. “It was more than okay. Better than anything.”

“Jerk.” she scrunched her nose and pulled the covered tight over your shoulder, cocooning you in.

You let out a laugh then, the kind that had the pull of Ellie’s lips forming into a sly grin before she took a playful jab at you. “I’m surprised, y'know… about the.. Y’know. You have the mouth of like ah, what's the thing? Venus fly trap! Yeah…”

And you laugh in Ellie’s face then, loud enough to make her crack a full smile. God, her second favorite sound. “What?” and the sound had ripped something heavy off of Ellie’s chest. A slick sludge that was weighing down her ribs. It was stripped clean with the sound of your giggles alone.

“I– Like the…” and she pinched her fingers to demonstrate. Dropping her hand against your covered waist when she had failed to show you what she meant. “What I'm trying to say is… I had a good time. I just wanted to say that.”

Your laugh subsides then. Relishing in the overwhelming truth.

“I did too.” you smile at her. You couldn’t help it.

“Good.”

Ellie hesitates a moment, her hand laying atop of your side softly before she reels back and pulls herself underneath the covers with you.

Once she’s settled beside you, you take it upon yourself to inch closer to her, resting your head on her chest that was still somehow beating 100 miles an hour.

“I’m kind of tired. And pretty drunk.”

Ellie chuckles against you softly before drawing in a deep breath. “Same.”

And just as your eyes begin to flutter closed, you murmur against her. “Hey, now you can draw me like… all the time. Now you know what I look like naked and stuff..”

And just then, the thought alone would keep her up most of the night. You had no idea what you’d just done to her.

She didn’t care. For now, this was enough.

Soon though, she would get you to pose for her. For real this time.

Ellie would have you all to herself, and the feeling would send her into a soft sleep.

taglist: @hazelnutsforellie @coeurify @bunification @0atm1lf @aklxojjk @trouble-mans @soleilmoons

#it’s cold here without you 2: you set me on fire #ellie williams #the last of us #bellswlw #ellie tlou #ellie tlou2 #ellie williams x y/n #ellie williams x you #tlou #the last of us 2 #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x reader smut #ellie x reader #ellie the last of us #ellie the last of us 2 #tlou2 #tlou2 smut

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ceadgearst · 1 year

Text

along ramble of the flow

I feel like Dutch Schultz rambling on his deathbed

But last time I checked I’m not there yet

But I suppose my brain is one the same plain

Because I’ll write a million lines all the same but different

Nothing consistent

You can rely on that from me in an instant

Admissions of my own welts

When I cry and weep under my pelts

Until the snow melts

But I mix between depressive and expressive

It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so excessive

Successive qualities of mine

I can’t tell the time

My mental illness claims it fine

Sometimes I wish I could rewind

because in the past I feel my time is not my own

Inside this dumbass dome is expected chrome:

Find silver

A message to deliver but he went to the pawn shop

Shit

I’m at my wits end

And when I phone a friend they say “what now this time?”

Nevermind I’m fine

that you for being kind

and that you did remind

why why why I don’t feel comfortable

Or totally capable of being mentally stable

I feel sometimes like I’m trying to keep up a fable

That I can do things when actually I’m unable

Don’t call me disabled

I just don’t understand things that aren’t labeled

What does society expect of me?

I’m actually asking

Because it seems everyone just knows in passing

Outclassing my peers with the amount of beers

Dear to my heart

my tobacco kickstart

this is art I suppose but who the fuck knows?

When I look back it looks like a nativity carved in a severed nose

Art made in the worst possible way

Beautiful as it is but from a horrible place

and space in time

Do you feel the pain in the rhymes

The crimes without names but all the same

Waning on the sane like rain on Venus

Stars in the sky like the space in between us

Far in the why

I understand that I try

for someone for whom I would die

But at the same reason i cry

Because I do so much but i am limited by the design that isn’t mine

The world the way it spins isn’t divine

When the rich men drain it to fill up their wine

I just want what’s mine but I only say it as a whine

Dine and dash because I have no cash

I fill the grave up with ash I won’t last long I don’t think that I am strong like what I smoke out of my bong

I feel like there is something wrong

With the way I hold my tongs sing my songs

There is something long inside me that needs to breathe and be freed before it destroys me completely

That’s exactly the reason I need trauma therapy

Are you there for me?

Through it all

Because sometimes I feel like I stare at a wall

And look for faces in the spaces in the bricks

I throw my gum and it sticks in the dip

A deep exhale of the smoke I rip

Rip

#poetry #original poem #poem

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writtonio-rosher · 1 year

Text

•••DROWNED BY MEMORIES•••

»Bonus

Herman Balsa/Alva Lorenz

Fandom: Identity V

First published in AO3 on the date 2022-12-30

A brush caressed the white strands that would later be braided by the fingers of the brown-haired man, without a doubt this was his favorite moment of the day. In the natural light of the sun, letting its rays peep through the window, combing the long hair that adorned Alva's head. Herman sitting on the bed, Alva on the floor.

“What is your biggest fantasy?”

“My biggest fantasy? Of what kind, Herman?”

“Of both, together… ”

“Kissing you, kissing every fold of your body, with or without your clothes on, I don't care… Waking up before you every day, so I can hide the clothes I took you off the night before, so I can see you naked a little more before you decide it's time to start the day by putting on your pants. Having the honor of eating what your hands prepare at breakfast, returning the favor in the afternoons, taking meals to you at the laboratory because you don't like to leave there… Being one with you is my greatest fantasy… ”

“Alva, we already do all those things.”

“Living with you is already a fantasy, the most wonderful that anyone can live.”

“But tell me, besides our life… Is there something else? Something you really want, but feel like you might not be able to have…or maybe it's just too hard.”

“I would like to let you know that you are enough… more than enough.”

“What?”

“I feel like you don't appreciate yourself…you should work on that…

What is your biggest fantasy, Herman?”

Vanish.

If he could rewind and do an act of bravery, he would have said that his greatest fantasy was to vanish. Only brave people dare to ask for help, even if it is in the most melancholic ways, it is still a call for help.

He remembered the old days, he always said that Alva's hair was actually a net that caught the brightest stars, and that was why his hair sparkled in such pure silver tones. He could remember that his eyes were an amber-yellow color, so pure that staring at them melted his soul, he remembered that he admired his body those naked nights, where after exclaiming the other's name heatedly, Herman's favorite pastime was to assemble constellations with the freckles that lined the back of his beloved, while he read or slept. On weekends, they would go out to eat somewhere or just go on a picnic. On days when work was too much and Herman was overwhelmed to sleep, he never woke up without being nestled in blankets at his desk, with a hot cup of coffee because it had happened so many times that Alva knew exactly how many hours it would take to wake up. He could never forget how on Wednesdays they would without fail have a fancy dinner dressed in their pajamas, or just their nightgowns on some occasions, whatever was fine, ordering food or making it at home, it didn't really matter, but he adored how Alva used to decorate the dining room and chill a bottle of red wine since he kept white wine for sad days because, in his words, white wine tasted sweeter if you were sad enough to drink it.

He would swear that if he had a sip of white wine at that moment, he would be tasting perhaps the sweetest of his life. He had not dropped a tear for a long time, not many things had warranted it. Today after two years he heard his voice again, it was nostalgic, too much.

People change, Herman changed, he became more reserved in exchange for a bit more knowledge, because for an ambitious young man the concept of sufficiency is non-existent. Alva changed, but he never imagined how, he had to be an auditory witness of the change, his words, his voice. It took two years, but his vocabulary had become painful to listen to, not only because of the hoarseness of his throat, playing catch and scraping the words against the air, but also because a missing piece was perceived in his speech, a hole that Herman identified as soon as he heard the first words on the phone because that hole was a place that still belongs to him.

He let him speak as tears silently bombarded the sheets. Lying on the bed, he was looking at the ceiling thinking about everything he must have missed, the reason doesn't matter, he was gone, and his return screwed everything around him again. It was something he had heard before, that he screwed things up, that it was better if he disappeared, if he died, if he rotted. It was silly to get carried away by emotions, sometimes people just want to fuck you up, to get you away because they really don't see things as those who live them, so it's easy to transform the letters that our lips can expel into weapons that harm those of us who dedicate them. And indeed, they got it the day Herman left without saying goodbye or giving explanations, nothing more than a note under the pillow on his side of the bed that he shared with Alva, and a text message to his mother, both sharing the caption: “I'm so sorry. Goodbye.”

Sadness can be an emotion that drags us to the worst without realizing it, without being able to believe that we will do too much damage because it makes us abandon our best friend: ourselves. Then it takes over your being and makes you snatch the hand of self-esteem. Suddenly nobody wants you. Why would they want you? You are special? Are you worth it?… A thousand questions flood your mind, and in the blink of an eye you have drowned, and reviving yourself becomes a difficult task for those around you because you intend to stay alive.

Herman could never feel peace, and those around him couldn't do many thanks to Herman's silence about it, he always saw it as something that was wrong to express, because after all he opened the door and let the feeling live by his side. Believing that it was a bad day or that he was in control of the situation, realizing too late that he was just a poor fool who never had power over the feeling that consumed his soul.

Listening to Alva's words made him feel the need to hug him, and as in the old days cling to his chest in search of warmth and shelter, since Alva was always his safe place. He couldn't take it, his chest burned at every audible babble down the phone. He put doubts aside, with a sword pierced his insecurities. Finally, he bundled up and looked for the keys, being ready to look for him, hanging up before leaving.

It's snowing in the city, it's one day until Christmas Eve, but he keeps driving, even though the icy wind threatens to shake the car every time it blows in search of blocking the road, measuring the determination of the brown-haired man.

He would not break down this time, he would make amends, and he would seek to return to the arms of his happy place to mend the heart that he neglected until his collapse two years ago. Thus, he accelerated, while he hoped that it wasn't too late yet, that Lorenz hadn't gone to sleep yet, although if he was already resting he would wake him up, with a kiss or destroying the door, he didn't care how, but today a final point would decorate that page that Alva did not want to change, would help him finish the book of the wonderful life they have lived together, and they would turn the page to start the most beautiful chapter of all, its title would be “Reunion.”

He parked and quickly got out of the car to run towards the front door, hoping that Alva, trapped in the past, had decided to continue living in the house they once shared.

It wasn't a “Knock, knock, knock” it was rather wild blows that translated into direct warnings to the door to open or regret it.

The door has opened, wearing his pajamas, Alva Lorenz is on the other side, the expression on his face is inexplicable, an avalanche of feelings overwhelmed him just as when he was doing a monologue on the phone with the man now standing in front of him…

“Maybe it's not too late to spend Christmas together with my family…” he mused after a few seconds in silence. “But maybe before that, you want me to braid your hair like I used to…”

#Spotify #Halva #Hermalva #Herman Balsa #alva lorenz #identity v #identity v fanfic #angst #im sorry #im so gay #ao3 fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #ao3fic #Herman Zeeman

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boombox-fuckboy · 3 years

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Hi @rec-rewind, I hope you don't mind I make a post for this. I know you like Unwell, you've heard TMA, and you're listening to Archive 81 (if season 2 was more your thing). Here's 30 other horror pods for you:

Alice Isn't Dead: A truck driver travels America, telling stories of her strange encounters while looking for the wife she had thought was dead.

A Voice From Darkness: A radio help line for all your strangest and most disturbing troubles. Host Dr. Ryder takes calls, answers questions, shares strange history, and discusses ongoing supernatural problems around America.

The Blood Crow Stories: Each season is it's own horror story. S1 is tapes from a doomed cruise ship in WW2, S2 is a religious horror western, S3 is a cyberpunk with demons, and S4 is the occult and old-time movie studios.

The Deep Vault: Dead Signals' (Archive 81) other podcast, following survivors of a crumbling world in an underground bunker, complete with robots, ai, cosmic entities, etc.

Dining in the Void: Heads up for initial pacing issues and rough audio, but the issue is resolved, and I enjoy other aspects of the show enough to disregard. A group of strangers are summoned to a space station for a party, and promptly locked in with various horrors and an ominous countdown, until they can work out who the host is.

Dos: After You: A charming young hitman leaves home to travel Europe, hoping to track down, and kill, the god he fell in love with.

Down: A group of scientists and explorers are put in a submarine sent down an apparently bottomless pit in Antarctica. Nobody likes what they find down there.

Duggan Hull: After her friend/ex-girlfriend goes missing, a young woman tries to track her down and ends up in the middle of a strange and disturbing small town mystery. Fantastic piece of cosmic horror. (Not on Spotify)

Hello From The Hallowoods: A powerful entity visits your nightmares bearing stories of the people, in varying states of human and alive, who inhabit the Hallowoods, through horrors and joys, and as their lives begin to meet. Super queer.

Hi Nay: Supernatural horror following a young woman named Mari, who's babaylan (shaman) family background draws her into helping people with various horrific supernatural problems around Toronto. Formatted as phone calls to her mother telling her what's happened.

The Hotel: About a supernatural hotel that kills people, and the weird staff that make it happen.

How I Died: Work recordings of a forensic pathologist who can see ghosts, when he moves to a new town and encounters a strange sequence of murders.

I am in Eskew: Personal accounts from a man living in something that very much wants to be a city, and an investigator who was, in her words, hired to kill a ghost. Creatively horrific stories with a gentle voice and ambient rain. Rougher audio initially but not uncomfortably so.

Janus Descending: A xenopalentologist and a xenoarcheologist investigate the abandoned ruins of an ancient alien civilisation and find more than they bargained for. Listen to the supercut for this one. Really clever use of a strange format: you hear her recordings first to last, and his last to first, and it's all the more heartbreaking for it.

The Lost Cat Podcast: A man befriends strange entities, loses bits of himself and drinks an awful lot of wine while looking for his cat. Unique and fun writing that's stuck with me, yet just the right hint of cliché to make it satisfying in the moment, too. Soft and cosmic horror. (Not on Spotify)

Mabel: Series of voicemails from an elderly woman's caretaker, to her unresponding grandaughter. Horror/mystery with a slow slide into poetic lesbian fae body horror.

Maps of the Lost: An audio guide book to the strange people, places, and happenings of Britan. Lovely soothing voice, more supernatural or new weird but horror enough for this list.

The Mistholme Museum of Mystery, Morbidity and Mortality: You're led through a museum of strange artifacts by a sweet audio tour guide AI, who will tell you the story behind each one. More new weird but there's plenty horror in there too.

Old Gods of Appalachia: Tales from the 1800s and 1900s of an alternate Appalachia inhabited by witches, old gods, and entities beyond understanding. With the air of being told stories around a campfire, these tales are connected by individuals or places, seperate but not detached. Any character is disposable, but none are treated with less respect than they deserve.

The Petrol Station: Strange and unsettling stories from a young woman working at a 24 hour petrol station in a very remote british town. Only 5 episodes, but I am hoping for more.

Red Valley: British cryogenic conspiracy comedy horror with some truely gorey sfx at times. Not my sense of humor personally, but it is enjoyable regardless and well made.

SAYER: Several sophisticated AI bully you into completing an array of both mundane and horrible tasks.

SCP: Find Us Alive: First, you don't need to know anything about SCP to enjoy this. A research team gets trapped in an underground research facility when the complex collapses and the building is dragged into a pocket dimension. The tear it was designed to study begins creating tiny copies of itself, generating strange entities the team needs to deal with. Oh, and the entire situation physically resets every 30 days. And yet, this is genuinely also an office comedy.

The Sheridan Tapes: In 2018, famous horror writer Anna Sheridan went missing leaving behind a collection of strange tapes. Listen along as a young detective with his own strange past tries to work out what happened to her. Cosmic horror.

The Silt Verses: In a modern world where gods are both commercialised and banned, two followers of an outlawed river god go on a pilgrimage. Great worldbuilding and tasty body horror. Same creators as Eskew (further up this list)

Station Blue: Isolation horror following a maintenance man who sets up an antarctic research base ahead of the main crew. Based on the creator's experiences with her own untreated mental illness but also there's some cosmic fuckery and light body horror.

Video Palace: Guy (and his wife when she has time) hosts a personal investigation into a collection of video tapes generally considered an urban legend, after he finds one and begins sleep talking.

The White Vault: A repair group sent to a research base near Svalbard gets trapped inside as an unending snowstorm rages, decides to take a nosy at the tunnels under the base, and find some disturbing things. Fantastic audio and a fun cast of accents and languages.

VAST Horizon: An agronomist travelling to a new world wakes from cryo to find the ship empty, off-course, and damaged. With the guidence of a malfunctioning AI, she tries to work out what happened and how to stop the situation aboard from getting worse.

WOE.BEGONE: A man's curiousity gets the better of him as he begins to play an alternate reality game of a different kind. The challenges are brutal and disturbing, but for the prize on offer, it might just be worth it. Single most endearing asshole lead I've encountered, very funny, very gay, and the music slaps.

Hopefully at least one appeals.

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jenomark · 3 years

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•FRIENDS WITH•

➔Pairing: Jaemin x Reader (Female) ➔Other Members/ Characters: Mentions of Jeno ➔Genre: Romance & Angst & Smut ➔Warnings: Sex, Drinking, A lot of pining etc. ➔Word count: 4,338

➔Summary: Three best friends. One is your ex, the other is someone you've been in love with for a long time, and the third friend is you. You're a mess, but you're trying your best to find your way back to where you belong.

When you opened the door, Jaemin was there, just like he’d always been. Standing on your front porch, with one hand in his pocket, and the other below his heart, as if he had trouble keeping it in place. He was wearing loose fitting sweatpants, and a white t-shirt that left little to the imagination.

“Were you sleeping?” you asked.

“I was tossing and turning before you called,” he said, leaning against the doorway. “May I come in?”

Jaemin had always walked into your house uninvited. He never knocked, normally never announced his presence. Sometimes, you would come home from work, and he would be sitting on your couch eating all of your food, feet up on the table, a lazy smile on his face. It was like he lived with you, coming and going as he pleased, a piece of furniture in your life. But this time, he didn’t waltz past you like he owned the place. He asked for your permission first. There was something about that permission that sat like dead weight at the bottom of your stomach.

“I wouldn’t have called if…” you said, trailing off.

What else could you really say? I wouldn’t have called if Jeno hadn’t dumped me. Jeno, you know him, right? Our other best friend.

Jaemin stood underneath the porch light, the glow morphing his sweet features into stone. His jaw clenched and unclenched, as it often did when he was thinking too much. When you moved aside to grant his permission, he smiled and slipped by you without saying much. The hairs on his arm brushed against yours.

That is when the tears started to fall.

You followed him through the darkness of your home. It had been yours for over a year now, but it felt as much his as it did yours. You hadn’t thought to turn on any of the lights. You came home and immediately called him, because Jaemin always knew how to take care of you. You had sat in the darkened hallway, sprawled across the stairs, until Jaemin pulled up in his car.

“I’m sorry,” you said.

“Why are you sorry?” he asked.

He turned on your lights as he went, each knob or pull of a string easy for him to find. You caught sight of your reflection in a picture frame on the fireplace and turned away. You didn’t want to know what he could see. You already knew what kind of woman would be staring back.

“It’s late, “ you said.

He laughed, “It’s barely midnight, my love.”

“You were sleeping.”

“I wasn’t sleeping well.”

“I’m sorry,” you said, again.

Jaemin turned and looked at you in the light for the first time. You had left your shoes in the car, so you were barefoot. You’d been crying for what felt like hours, eyes feeling like they were swollen shut. You were dressed in one of Jeno’s t-shirts that was too big on your frame. If you moved, you could still smell Jeno all around you.

“Let's get you cleaned up,” he said.

Once the tears started, they wouldn’t stop. Jaemin reached up to wipe them away, his thumb tracing the edge of your jaw before they began to roll down your neck. As he ushered you to your bedroom, he didn’t ask what happened. He had enough respect for you and Jeno not to ask. You knew deep down that his anger fought against him, told him not to react. He once said it was his duty as a best friend to hurt all of the boys who hurt you, but no one ever told him what to do if the boy who hurt you was his best friend, too.

You changed into pajamas and watched trashy reality television until you thought he was asleep. You curled your legs underneath you on the couch and watched him a little while longer. You watched his chest rise and fall, his t-shirt lightly clinging to his chest. He was a busy man, but he would drop anything for his friends. You continually felt like you didn’t deserve him.

“You deserve better, you know,” he said, peering at you through his half-opened eyes, his eyelids heavy with sleep.

“I’m not sure that’s true,” you whispered.

Jaemin stretched his hands over his head. You couldn’t keep your eyes from wandering over to the little sliver of his exposed stomach. You couldn’t keep any thoughts from wondering what it would feel like to kiss him there, letting your lips trail below the waistband of his sweatpants.

He hadn’t dated anyone for nearly two years. He said it was because no women approached him, but you had a theory that he was lying through his teeth. Jaemin had always been a good-looking guy. His kind eyes and weird sense of humor made women fall for him as quickly as they met him. He was single because it was his choice.

“The guys you date are awful,” he said.

“Even Jeno?” you asked.

Though it was dark again, and all you could see were parts of his face illuminated by the television, you could tell he was irritated.

“What kind of man do I deserve?” you found yourself asking out loud.

Part of you wanted him to say that you deserved him. You held onto the hope that you could be with each other one day, that you had simply fallen in love with the wrong friend. Best friends shouldn’t hope for that. It felt greedy to want that life with him.

“I don’t know,” he said. You could practically hear his smile in his words. “Someone who is kind and funny, and knows how beautiful you are. He has to like the things you like.”

You laughed, burying your head in my arms. Jaemin laughed along with you, humming a song you’d been in love with since you were a kid, and twisting his hips around on your couch. It always baffled you how easily he could recall things you’d told him years ago.

“I can think of a million people like that, Jaem.”

“Yeah?” he asked, raising one eyebrow. “Well, they’re not good people, and they certainly don’t deserve my girl.”

You both fell silent, staring at anything around the room but each other. You placed your feet on the floor and leaned your back against the couch.

Do you know how hard it is to realize for the first time that you love someone? It’s not like you can admit it, pack up all of your baggage, take them by the hand, and push your way into a future of bliss. They have to want you back. You have to fight for it. And there are consequences.

Truth be told, you wouldn’t have chosen Jeno at all if Jaemin had loved you back when it was time to. But you did choose him, and you can’t rewind your life to a place in the movie where everyone is happy and everything is right.

“I’m looking in the wrong places, huh?” you asked him. “ I settled. How many times can I do this to myself? How many times can both of us waste our lives sitting on this couch waiting for something to happen?”

“ I like it here,” he said, patting the cushions. “Your couch is my second bed, and you have great snacks.”

You wanted to laugh, but felt tears welling up again. You angled your body so that you were facing him. His eyes were trained on you, but there was no laugh caught on the edge of his lips, and no smile reaching his eyes.

“You’re beautiful.” was all he said.

You and Jaemin fell into a post-breakup routine. You would hang out when he was on break from filming music videos, and you would never talk about what happened until the next time another man broke your heart. He cracked jokes all day to cheer you up, and you laughed until it hurt. Your time together ended before the sun went down, and he would always hug you goodbye a second too long. And you loved those hugs. Being close to him meant feeling what it would be like if you could hug him whenever you wanted. He held you tightly, wrapping his arms all the way around your body. It left you breathless.

Sometimes, you would visit him on set, avoiding Jeno by a mile, and sitting by Jaemin just to be near him. He always got so lost in the monitoring that he forgot you were there. He did this thing where his face would get serious, concentration turning it to stone. You always had to break him out of the spell and remind him to eat something to keep his energy.

Jaemin is and will always be your best friend. You loved him like a best friend. When it began to feel like more, you needed him more. You felt a little bit like you were constantly reaching out for his hand; it just always fell short. And then there were times when you would push him away. You don’t know why you did it.

“You should date more, “ you said. “ Let a girl wine and dine you.”

He laughed. “I don’t need to date , and I certainly don't need to get drunk to have a good time. That's what I have you for.”

“I’m being serious, Jaem.”

He looked up from his mc hosting script. “I know you are, but the question is why you’re being serious with me?”

Because I am mindlessly in love with you, and I am terrified of what it means for me. If you fall in love with someone else, I can just say that it wasn’t meant to be and move on. I don’t want to face the truth that you might never love me back.

“I’ve always wanted to double date,” you said lamely. “It sounds fun.”

“It sounds horrible. How about I swing by after work with a pizza and some nice cola, and we make fun of everyone that’s hurt us?” he asked. “Double dating a slice of spicy pizza isn’t a bad idea. ”

“Sure,” you said.

Your routine was full-proof if you wanted to spend the rest of your life watching reality television with your crush while you thought about burying your face into his chest.

“Have you thought about dating again?” he asked. “You and Jeno seem alright now. You can almost stand to be in the same room together.”

It had been months since you and Jeno broke up, and it was the first time Jaemin had brought him up in a while. The other night, you returned Jeno’s t-shirt to him and talked about how you felt the night he broke up with you. Although your initial friendship would never be the same, you felt like everything would be okay.

“Dating is a bad idea for me.” you said.

“Why not? You can’t sit on the couch for the rest of your life, darling.” he smirked.

Jaemin always stepped so delicately around your dating life, but there was something in his eyes that was reckless and uncaring. He was pushing you, and you weren't sure how you should push back.

“Why have a boyfriend when I have you?” you blurted. Fuck. “I mean, because you...do..things”

He looked up at you, again. The silence in the room was awkward. All you could do from setting yourself on fire was act like a spot on the wall was more important than the entire conversation.

“I..do..things?” he asked.

“No.”

“No I don’t do...things?”

You shook your head. Unfortunately, it left him more confused than ever.

Jaemin said your name, and the way he said it made you feel dizzy. It was like he was pleading with you to finally tell the truth, to admit what you really meant by it. It should have been the moment when you confessed that you were head over heels in love with him, and that it was never going to be about Jeno again.

“I should go,” you said, picking up your bag.

You were scared that if you looked at him and saw the disappointment on his face, you would cry. You knew it was there. You could feel it coming at you in waves.

“See you later tonight?” you asked, popping a thin smile on my lips.

You hovered around the doorway. Jaemin cleared his throat and said, “Actually, I just remembered that I can’t. I have a lot of work to do.”

You nodded and left, hating yourself for not saying anything else.

You hadn’t spoken much in a month. You created the ripple that disturbed the whole dynamic. You felt like you had embarrassed him by suggesting he was yours to claim. Of course he wasn’t yours. He wouldn’t ever be yours. Look at you.

You had been going on dates with a man whose name didn’t matter. He was nice enough, but you didn’t think you would make it past date two. He seemed too into his hair, and he didn’t truly think you were funny. He laughed at your jokes too easily, just like Jeno did, which somehow bothered you. Jaemin would have told you the truth- that you were trying too hard.

I think I am trying too hard. I’m trying too hard to forget him, but he’s all I fucking think about. The way he licks his lips before he talks, and how his humor is always so self-deprecating, but so damn witty. How he’ll dance to anything just to make even the sourest of people smile. He’s the kind of man that is intelligent one moment but extremely stupid the next. He is the kind of man that makes people fall in love with themself.

“You look good,” the mystery date man said, breaking your reverie. He opened the car door for you and checked his watch, impatiently. “I think we might be late for the reservation.”

“Sorry for taking so long to get ready. I sometimes forget what I’m doing.” you said.

“We’ll have to eat somewhere else,” he said.

He put his hand on your thigh when you got into the car. You let it rest there for a few seconds before you shifted your body and he got the hint.

“You look really nice tonight.” he said.

“Thank you so much.” you smiled.

The mystery man was decent looking, if you liked the type of man who looks like he canoes for fun. He was stable, which was good. You could tell he would be a great man for some girl one day, and that maybe she would like getting fingerbanged in the front seat of a car from the 1990's.

When he started the car, he was still looking at you adoringly. You felt like you were being mentally skinned alive from his stare, so you looked away.

“Oh my God.” you said.

The mystery man's eyes snapped to your line of sight. Standing in the gleam of the headlights was Jaemin. His white dress shirt was untucked from his pants, and his tie was shoved into the pocket of his dinner jacket. He stood with one hand on his hip. In his other hand, he held an empty bottle of wine.

“Holy shit, is that a kpop idol?” the mystery man asked.

“In the flesh,” you said, bewildered.

He rolled down his window and yelled, “What’s up, man?”

By the way Jaemin was standing, you could tell he was drunk. He didn’t need to have the evidence stuffed into his right hand. Drunk Jaemin was a show to behold. He didn’t drink much, or ever, but when he did, he usually ended up hurting himself from doing something stupid.

“Get out of the car,” Jaemin said, pointing at the mystery man.” I’m gonna kick your ass, man.”

And there was the something stupid.

“What did he just say?” the mystery man asked.

“I believe he said, “Have a nice date!’,” you answered. “Please drive away now.”

“I’ll hit him with my car if I do.” the mystery man said. “He’s so drunk, look at him. Should I film this?”

“Holy fuck, no, you shouldn’t film this,” you said.

Jaemin got on his knees in front of the car and started crawling towards you. He was making animal noises and pawing at the ground. It wasn’t the weirdest thing Jaemin had done, but it was definitely going towards the top of the list.

“Jaemin, get up.” you shouted. “You’re going to hurt your knees.”

“I’m already hurt.” he shouted back.

“This guy is a legend,”the mystery man whispered.

You rolled your eyes and opened the car door. Jaemin looked up at you and found it too difficult, so he looked down at the ground.

“Up,” you said, sternly.

“Make me.” Jaemin said.

You snatched the bottle still clutched in his fist and threw it across your lawn. Like a petulant child, he got onto his feet and tried chasing after it. You blocked his path.

“Did you sleep with him?” Jaemin asked, trying to get around you.

You could feel red-hot heat creeping to your face. “That is none of your business.”

“You didn’t call me,” he said. “You call me, and I come running to save the day, but you didn’t. You didn’t call.”

“She doesn’t need saving” the mystery man said, waving his hand.

“You didn’t call,” Jaemin repeated.

“I’m not heartbroken,” you said, swallowing the large lump that formed in your throat.

“I am.” he said, touching his hand just below his heart. “Do you love him?”

You could feel a hysteric laugh bubbling to your throat. The situation was too damn funny to you. At the mention of love, the mystery man recoiled back into his car.

“I’m gonna go,” he said.

“Good idea,” you said. “I’m gonna sober up kpop guy. I’ll call you..or I won’t.”

You took Jaemin’s arm and led him up your front steps, never looking back. He groaned and clutched his head in pain.

“Good,” you said. “Maybe it will teach you a lesson.”

“Doubt it,” he grumbled.

You led him inside and thought of how different this was from months ago when he was the one taking care of you.

“Sit. I’ll get you some water and make up the couch for you.” you said.

You went into the kitchen and took a glass down from a shelf. You took a minute to collect myself, leaning your hip against the counter for support. Seeing Jaemin after a long period of time always brought the memories flooding back. You weren't angry with him, because there was no reason to be. You just couldn’t keep the pieces of yourself together when he looked at you like you caused him physical pain.

“You look pretty,” Jaemin said.

You turned around and saw that he was standing in the doorway, gripping the frame to keep from falling over.

“And I mean really pretty,” he said.

“Thanks.”

“I fucked up”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not. I ruined your date.”

“I didn’t like him, anyway.”

“He didn’t do... things?” Jaemin asked.

“No, Jaem. He didn’t do things.”

“You sound angry with me.”

“I’m just tired.”

“I’m sorry I’m drunk.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

He shuffled towards you. Under the fluorescent lights, his eyes were glassy and red. He couldn’t quite focus on your face. You filled up the glass of water and handed it to him. His fingers touched yours as he took the glass from you.

“I missed you,” he said.

You smiled and meant it. “You should rest tonight, keep hydrated, and we’ll talk about it in the morning before I leave for work.”

He nodded. “Okay. In the morning.”

Jaemin fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. You watched him from the bottom of the stairs. He was moaning in his sleep, one arm flung over the couch, and he was drooling. You wanted nothing more than to go to him and run your fingers through his hair to calm him, but you couldn’t bring myself to move from the spot.

You had tried to work out your feelings for the past month while he went missing from your life. You tried to pick apart all the reasons why you felt like you needed him. You tried moving on, but there was no moving on from him. You had every intention of falling out of love with him, but if falling out of love was easier, everyone would do it.

Dammit, Na Jaemin.

You woke up around 4 a.m. to feel Jaemin crawling underneath your sheets. He was quiet and careful not to touch you. You both laid side by side, inches apart, and listened to the rain beginning to drum on your window. You could feel your heartbeat quicken, just knowing that he was so close to you, that you could feel his body heat warming your own. Your breathing felt so loud in the stillness. You controlled each breath, focusing only on the way your chest rose and fell beside him.

You reached out and let your fingers touch the soft skin on his forearm. You couldn’t feel him move at all, as he took your hand in his and squeezed it tightly.

Neither of you spoke. Even if you could have gotten the words out, you didn’t know what either of you would say. You just laid there, the only movement coming from his thumb massaging your palm.

And it was a perfect moment. You turned your body onto his, interlocking both of his hands with yours to steady yourself. Your hair cascaded onto his chest and fell a little into his mouth. He pushed it back to get a good look at the plains of your face in the moonlight. His eyes were cleared now, focused on your mouth. You sat up, straddling him with your knees on either side of his slim hips. You rubbed your thumb across his wet lips, the tip of his tongue colliding with it. His eyes dared you to kiss him, but you were too slow. Jaemin yanked your wrists, pulling you back down to him. His lips brushed against yours, teasingly. You wanted to taste him, to devour him. You pressed your palms against his chest and leaned down for the kiss, parting your lips to let him know that you were all his. Kissing him was like kissing a moment. You kissed all of your laughter, all of your pain. You kissed all of your hellos and goodbyes.

Jaemin’s hands roamed underneath your shirt, holding the small of your back to keep you in place as he pushed against you, harder. Your body rocked against his, grinding him lightly as his hands moved down to your ass, squeezing it. You couldn’t taste the alcohol on his breath. His lips would make you drunk without it. You needed him all around you. You needed to know what he felt like inside of you.

You were frantic, grabbing at each other like it was the last time, instead of the first time. He leaned his body up so that you were both sitting. His lips worked their way down your neck. Your body felt like electricity everywhere he touched you.

You unbuttoned his shirt agonizingly slow. Jaemin’s dark eyes were ravenous as you made your way carefully down to each button. He pushed your hands away as you got to the last one and ripped it from his body. Your fingers curled around his belt and yanked it away from him.

A sound escaped from his mouth that you could only explain as crazed. He wasn’t intoxicated anymore, but he looked like a man whose self-control had vanished. Holding you tightly, he flipped you over so that he was on top, his body fitting against yours like a glove. His weight felt good on top of you, almost scandalous. You could feel every muscle of his against you, every soft spot resting against your stomach when he breathed. You could feel his cock, could feel the hunger burning inside of you with the thought of him fucking you.

Jaemin stopped only momentarily to get a good look at you from above. A smile broke out onto his face, as his eyes covered every inch of your skin.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” he said.

He slid your panties down your legs, brought your t-shirt over your head, and let his hands feel you. When he slipped a finger inside of you, you arched your back, and your breasts met his mouth. You couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. You swayed your body into his fingers, letting his thumb brush against your clit.

The lazy smile didn’t leave his lips. Every time your body moved, he went with it, leaving a trail of kisses behind. He wouldn’t let you come. Every time you got closer and closer, he would stop and watch how you squirmed beneath him.

You wrapped your legs around his waist to tell him that you were ready. You couldn’t wait any longer. He kissed you softly on the lips, reeled back and let his cock enter you. You exhaled as he moved inside of you, his body meeting yours, and his hands holding you down. You reached out for him, and he lowered himself so that you could dig your nails into the flesh of his back. A moan escaped from his lips as you brought those fingers to his neck. You let them tangle in his hair and pulled his strands until his moans turned low and gravelly. You could feel the pace picking up.

Jaemin couldn’t control himself any more. He wanted all of you, every last drop. You pushed him onto his back and climbed on top of him. As you lowered yourself down onto his cock, he whispered, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

#jaemin #na jaemin #nct #nct dream #na jaemin smut #na jaemin angst #jaemin smut #jaemin fluff #jaemin fanfiction #jaemin oneshot #na jaemin oneshot #jaemin nct #nct jaemin #nct dream jaemin #oof please forgive typos #i wrote this really fast and kept getting words mixed up slkdjfks

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blu-joons · 3 years

Text

The Confession ~ Jessi

At last, the track sounded perfect, leaving you to let go of a sigh of relief, pushing your chair back away from the desk you’d been sat at for most of the day. You’d worked tirelessly to create the perfect song, and at last, it was before you, everything you could have hoped for.

As if on cue, a knock at your studio door brought you out of your daydream, glancing back, you were unsurprised to see Jessi stood in the doorway, arms folded across her chest.

Without being welcomed in, she stepped into the room, pulling one of the chairs across from the table, taking a seat at your side. Her attention was instantly drawn to the demo that you still had loaded on your screen, unable to hide her smile in seeing that you were finally done with what you’d worked so hard on.

It took a moment for the silence to break between the two of you, as your eyes fell away from her stare. “I did it,” you anxiously chuckled, unsure as to why you were suddenly so nervous around one of your closest friends.

Her head nodded, “so do I finally get to hear the big thing you’ve been working so hard on?”

Your head nodded back at her, moving your hand out of your lap, over the mouse so that you could rewind the song back to the beginning. Jessi’s opinion was one of you always valued at the best of times, but the secret you held onto about the song was one you knew would either make or break something you’d worked so hard on.

“Are you going to tell me a bit about the song before I listen to it?” She queried as you hovered over the play button. “Or is this going to be another song that I have to figure out for myself.”

“I’d prefer it that way,” you sheepishly responded, however as you caught her rolling your eyes, you instantly began to question whether that really was the right response. “The meaning is something close to me, I hope you understand that.”

“I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out anyway,” she smiled, running a hand through her long locks, brushing them away from her face. “I’m good at this kind of stuff anyway, especially when it comes to you. I can read you like a book.”

Your head shook, pressing play before you ended up having to reply again and risk spilling it all. As the song played, you failed to look across at her once, although it sounded perfect to you, to others, you weren’t so sure.

“It’s good,” she smiled straight away as the song came to an end a couple of minutes later, “I can see where all of your hard work has gone, are you planning on releasing it?”

Your shoulders shrugged, yet another subject you were yet to truly decide on. “I’m hardly a household name, no one would listen to it if I released it myself,” you confessed, feeling her hand push gently against your shoulder to silence you.

Her head shook at how dismissive you were, “I wish you realised how talented you were sometimes. If the meaning really is as close to you as you say, then it should be a personal song to you. You shouldn’t get someone else to sing it.”

“You really think I could make it a success by myself?” You asked.

“Of course, would I make that suggestion if I didn’t?”

“Probably not,” you anxiously laughed, “but why wouldn’t you have confidence in yourself?”

His boldness often left people quaking in their boots, but you’d learnt first-hand that it came from a place of love and support before anything else. If she didn’t have faith in you, she would have never suggested it which you knew all too well.

“I guess you might be onto something,” you hummed anxiously.

Jessi’s head nodded back at you, as if that wasn’t already obvious enough. You’d been on the credits for far too many of her songs for you not to get the chance to be on the credit of your own song, especially when it was one that you’d worked so hard on.

“Do I get to find out what inspired the song yet?” She continued to sign impatiently, “if I’m going to help you get this song released as your own, surely it’s the least I deserve.”

“It’s stupid,” you mumbled, as her hand pushed against your frame yet again, refusing to let you be so hard on yourself. “It’s stupid because the song was inspired by you, you were in my mind when I wrote the lyrics, the song is basically written about you.”

You could hear her jaw hit the floor, slamming her hand down on your desk. Your body jumped at the sudden sound, wishing the ground could have swallowed you up. Instead, you sat, and waited for any sign of a response that came from the woman beside you.

A gentle chuckle was the first sound she made, “you wrote that for me? But that song is beautiful, there’s no way that anyone could ever write a song as sweet as that about me. People will think I’m a big softie after all if they know about this.”

Her comment was enough to make you softly smile. “You probably think I’m stupid for writing a song about you, I just didn’t know how else I could put all of my emotions onto paper.”

“Are you crazy? You’re not stupid at all,” she grinned, “I just wish this wasn’t the way I had to find out that you liked me. Don’t you know I deserve to be wined and dined?”

“I thought you’d be me mad about all of this to be honest?”

A much louder chuckle came from her, “why would I ever be mad about the person who means so much to me writing a whole song about me?”

The comfortableness that you’d had around Jessi for so long was a breath of fresh air, however nervous you were, somehow, she always managed to make you feel settled. She could tell you were anxious, expressing your emotions was hard, but she always made it feel so easy.

“If you want to be wined and dined, I can do that too,” you sniggered, glancing across to meet her wide eyes. “I know a good spot in town that I reckon you might like.”

“Is this your way of asking me out on a date?” She continued to tease.

Your head nodded tentatively, pushing yourself up to sit properly in your seat. “But it’s only a date if you agree to it. If not, then let’s just call it a business meeting so we can figure out how we’re going to get this song released.”

“If it’s a date, I’ll definitely agree to it,” she smirked, “but now I know this song is about me, I don’t know if I want the whole world to hear it. I might just like to keep it as something between you and I, what do you reckon?”

Your head nodded once again, relieved that the song had been received much better than you could have ever imagined. Jessi’s hands reached out, resting against your shoulders, trying to help you finally be able to catch your breath.

“I reckon that should be the first of our songs together.”

“The first of many, I hope.”

---

Masterlist

#jessi #jessi imagine #jessi reaction #jessi scenario #jessi drabble #jessi one shot #jessica ho #jessica ho imagine #hyunju ho #hyunju ho imagine #kpop #kpop imagine

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meteor752 · 3 years

Text

Karlnapity is both Helpless and Satisfied

Look at that, I’m back on my bs with these Dream SMP Hamilton parodies

Also it says Karlnapity, but it’s more like Karl and Q are both crushing on the same guy, but ya know who cares

Song is under the cut, and as usual this is not really my area of expertise and I’m just doing it for fun, so don’t judge

Dream: Late December

A winter's ball

And the Cabinet Members are the envy of all

Yo, if you can marry one of them, you're rich, son

Sapnap: Is it a question of if, Dream, or which one?

Dream: Hey

Sapnap: Hey

Both: Hey hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

Karl: Ooh, I do, I do, I do, I do (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey)

Hey! Ooh, I do, I do, I do, I do (Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey)

Boy, you got me helpless

Look into your eyes, and the sky's the limit

I'm helpless

Down for the count, and I'm drownin' in 'em

I have never been the type to try and grab the spotlight

We were at a revel with some hunters on a hot night

Laughin' at my best friend as he's dazzling the room

Then you walked in and my heart went, "Boom!"

Tryin' to catch your eye from the side of the ballroom

Everybody's dancin' and the band's top volume

Grind to the rhythm as we wine and dine

Grab my best friend and whisper

"Yo, this one's mine" (ooh)

My best friend made his way across the room to you (ooh)

And I got nervous thinking

"What's he gonna do?" (Ooh)

He grabs you by the arm

I'm thinkin', "I'm through" (ooh)

Then you look back at me

And suddenly I'm helpless

Oh, look at those eyes (look into your eyes)

And the sky's the limit

I'm helpless (I know)

Down for the count and I'm drownin'

Helpless (I am so into you)

Look into your eyes (I am so into you)

And the sky's the limit

I'm helpless

I know I'm down for the count

And I'm drownin' in 'em

Sapnap: Where are you taking me?

Quackity: I'm about to change your life

Sapnap: Then by all means, lead the way

Karl: Karl Jacobs

It's a pleasure to meet you

Sapnap: And he’s your...?

Quackity: My best friend

Karl: Thank you for all your service

Sapnap: If it takes fighting wars for us to meet, it will have been worth it

Quackity: I'll leave you to it

Ensemble: One week later

Karl: I'm writin' a message nightly

Now my life gets better, every message that you write me

Laughin' at my best friend 'cause he wants to form a harem

Quackity: I'm just sayin', if you really loved me, you would share him

Karl:Ha!

Ensemble: Two weeks later

Karl: In the living room stressin'

My father's stone-faced

While you're asking for his blessin'

I'm dying inside as you wine and dine

And I'm tryin' not to cry

'Cause there's nothing that your mind can't do (ooh)

My father makes his way across the room to you (ooh)

I panic for a second, thinking, "We're through"(ooh)

But then he shakes your hand and says, "Be true" (ooh)

And you turn back to me, smiling, and

Helpless

Look into your eyes

And the sky's the limit

I'm helpless

Down for the count (hoo)

And I'm drownin' in 'em

Helpless (that boy is mine)

That boy is mine

Look into your eyes and the sky's the limit

I'm helpless (helpless)

Down for the count and I'm drownin' in em (yeah)

Sapnap: Karl, I don't have that much to my name

Large acre of land, a troop to command, a dollop of fame

All I have's my honor, a tolerance for pain

A couple of hunter titles and my top-notch brain

Insane, your friends they bring out a different side of me

Big Q confides in me, all though he tried to take a bite of me

No stress, my love for you is never in doubt

We'll get a little place in the south and we'll figure it out

All the stress within my family has left me all riled

My fathers both joined a cult, it’s all been quite wild

But I'll never forget my father’s face, that was real

And long as I'm alive, Karl, swear to God

You'll never feel so

Ensemble: Helpless

Karl: I do, I do, I do, I do

Sapnap: Karl

Ensemble: Helpless

Karl: I do, I do, I do, I do

Sapnap: I've never felt so

Ensemble: Helpless

Karl: Yeah, yeah

Ensemble: Down for the count

And I'm drownin' in 'em

Karl: Down for the count, I'm-

Sapnap: Yo, my life is going fine 'cause my Karl is in it

Karl: I look into your eyes

And the sky's the limit, I'm

Ensemble: Helpless

Down for the count and I'm drownin' in 'em

In L’Manberg, you can be a new man

Karl: Helpless

George: Alright, alright

That's what I'm talkin' about

Now, everyone give it up for the man of honor

Quackity HQ

Quackity: A toast to the grooms

Ensemble: To the grooms, to the grooms, to the grooms

Quackity:To their pride

Ensemble: To their pride, to their pride, to their pride

Quackity: From your best friend

Ensemble: Quackity, Quackity, Quackity

Quackity: Who is always by your side

Ensemble: By your side, by your side

Quackity: To your union

Ensemble: To the union, to the newfound nation

Quackity: And the hope that you provide

Ensemble: You provide, you provide

Quackity: May you always

Ensemble: Always

Quackity: Be satisfied

Ensemble & Jumbled voices: Rewind

Rewind, rewind

Helpless, sky's, sky's

Drownin' in em

Drownin', rewind

Quackity:I remember that night I just might (Rewind)

I remember that night I just might (Rewind)

I remember that night, I remember that–

I remember that night, I just might regret that night for the rest of my days

I remember those hunter boys tripping over themselves to win our praise

I remember that dreamlike candlelight like a dream that you can't quite place

But Sapnap, I'll never forget the first time I saw your face

I have never been the same

Fiery eyes in a hunger-pang frame

And when you said "Hi", I forgot my dang name

Set my heart aflame, every part aflame

This is not a game

Sapnap: You strike me as someone who has never been satisfied

Quackity: I'm sure I don't know what you mean, you forget yourself

Sapnap: You're like me, I'm never satisfied

Quackity: Is that right?

Sapnap: I've never been satisfied

Quackity: My name is Quackity HQ

Sapnap: Sapnap BoyHalo

Quackity: Where's your family from?

Sapnap: Unimportant, there's a million things I haven't done

But just you wait, just you wait

Quackity: So, so, so

So this is what it feels like to match wits with someone at your level

What the hell is the catch?

It's the feeling of freedom, of seein' the light

It's Ben Franklin with a key and a kite

You see it, right?

The conversation lasted two minutes

Maybe three minutes, everything we said in total agreement

It's a dream and it's a bit of a dance

A bit of a posture, it's a bit of a stance

He's a bit of a flirt, but I'ma give it a chance

I asked about his family, did you see his answer?

His hands started fidgeting, he looked askance

He's penniless, he's flying by the seat of his pants

Handsome, boy, does he know it

Peach fuzz, and he can't even grow it

I wanna take him far away from this place

Then I turn and see my best friend’s face and he is...

Karl: Helpless

Quackity: And I know he is

Karl: Helpless

Quackity: And his eyes are just

Karl: Helpless

Quackity: And I realize

Ensemble: Three fundamental truths at the exact same time

Sapnap: Where are you taking me?

Quackity: I'm about to change your life

Sapnap: Then, by all means, lead the way

Ensemble: Number one

Quackity: I'm a guy in a world in which my only job is to sustain rich

My father has one son so I'm the one who has to social climb for one

So I'm the oldest and the wittiest and the gossip in The SMP is insidious

And Sapnap is just penniless

Ha! That doesn't mean I want him any less

Karl: Karl Jacobs, it's a pleasure to meet you

Sapnap: And he’s your...?

Quackity: My best friend

Ensemble: Number two

Quackity: He's after me 'cause I'm a Cabinet Member, that elevates his status

I'd have to be naïve to set that aside

Maybe that is why I introduce him to Karl, now he’s by his side

Nice going there Quackity he was right, you will never be satisfied

Karl: Thank you for all your service

Sapnap: If it takes fighting wars for us to meet, it will have been worth it

Quackity: I'll leave you to it

Ensemble: Number three

Quackity: I know my best friend like I know my own mind

You will never find anyone as trusting or as kind

If I tell him that I love him he’s be silently resigned, he'd be mine

He would say, "I'm fine"

He’d be lying

But when I fantasize at night it's Sapnap’s fiery eyes

As I romanticize what might have been if I hadn't sized him up so quickly

At least my dear Karl is by his side

At least I keep his eyes in my life

Quackity: To the grooms

Ensemble: To the grooms, to the grooms, to the grooms

Quackity:To their pride

Ensemble: To their pride, to their pride, to their pride

Quackity: From your best friend

Ensemble: Quackity, Quackity, Quackity

Quackity: Who is always by your side

Ensemble: By your side, by your side

Quackity: To your union

Ensemble: To the union, to the newfound nation

Quackity: And the hope that you provide

Ensemble: You provide, you provide

Quackity: May you always

Ensemble: Always

Quackity: Be satisfied

Ensemble: Be satisfied, be satisfied, be satisfied

Quackity: And I know

Ensemble: Be satisfied, be satisfied, be satisfied

Quackity: He’ll be happy by his side

Ensemble: Be satisfied, be satisfied, be satisfied

Quackity: And I know

Ensemble: Be satisfied, be satisfied, be satisfied

Quackity: He will never be satisfied

I will never be satisfied

#dream smp #dsmp #Hamilton #Hamilton parody #Dsmp song parody #dsmp songs #dreamwastaken #Sapnap #sappitusnappitus #karl jacobs #quackityhq #Helpess #Satisfied #Karlnap #Karlity #Quacknap #Karlnapity #Karl X Sapnap X Quackity

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newobsessionweekly · 6 months

Text

9-1-1 Masterlist

Eddie Diaz

One Shots

Let me help you

The one where Eddie keeps secrets from you and he doesn't let you help.

You are home

The one where you are kidnapped and Eddie comes to rescue you.

Family ties

The one where Buck's little sister is dating Eddie.

Love and tragedy (male!reader)

The one where you are involved in a multi-car pileup and Eddie is one of the first responders.

Embracing scars (trans!male!reader)

The one where Eddie embraces your top surgery scars.

Evan "Buck" Buckley

One Shots

Join me (18+)

The one where the desire is too much to be handled.

Dine, wine and rewind

The one where Buck had a rough call and you surprise him with dinner to make him feel better.

Look at the stars

The one where you get hurt on a call and Buck tries to distract you from your pain.

Listen to me

The one where Buck messed up and tries to make things right.

Those eyes

The one where Buck loves everything about you.

Shattered reflections

The one where Buck pushes you away, but you don't give up.

Series

Dreams series

I've been thinking

The one where you and Buck consider starting a family together.

Things take time

The one where you and Buck try for a baby, but life's not fair.

Crossovers

911 x The Rookie

Under the radar (Buck x Bradford!reader)

The one where your brother, Tim, finds out you're dating Buck in a not so pleasant way.

Diamonds and dreams (Tim x Buckley!reader) (coming soon)

The one where Tim, your boyfriend, teams up with your brother Buck and plan a proposal.

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loveorminecraft · 3 years

Text

Love or Minecraft S1E1

Welcome Youtube! Introducing your Bachelor for the first ever Love or Minecraft, Season One, Mr Dreamwastaken!

Photo: Mr Beast Youtube rewind 2020

“I’m ready for the next level. I want someone to build a home with and go to the nether with and share my golden carrots with. I want to be saturated with love.”

Let’s take a look at Minecraft’s most eligible bachelor.

Photo: ConnorEatsPants Dream SMP Lore Stream Trailer

“My name is Dream, I’m 21 and I’m the Bachelor. I grew up in a small village on a grassy plain. There wasn’t much to do, so I spent a lot of my time in caves, taking on spiders and creepers and skeletons.”

As tough with an axe as he is with a bow, Dream is your ultimate fighting machine, but that doesn’t mean that he can’t wine and dine you.

Photo: Dream Name MC Profile

“Yeah, I think that food is one area where I like to spoil myself. Only the best steaks, golden carrots and suspicious stew will do! When I’m dating someone, I’m really protective, and I like to provide for them and shower them with gifts.”

Dream is ready to take on the Ender Dragon for the love of his life, but it’s a long way to the bastion if you want a Piglin trade! Are we ready to meet our contestants?

#loveorminecraft #dreamwastaken #fanfiction #minecraft fanfiction

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saebyeog-i · 4 years

Text

what it feels like | pcy

“If this was a brave new world you’d entered with that thinly veiled declaration of love, you wanted no part of it.”

genre | you can send me your dental bill for this tooth rotting mushy fluff / internalized angst if you squint / this might be soft enough to not be considered solid matter / this sat on a shelf next to a soulmates au for five minutes

word count | ~1.8k (this! was! supposed! to! be! a! drabble!)

pairing | PCY x reader (this is actually relatively gender neutral without meaning to be?)

—

Someone once told you there were many different kinds of love, and many different important firsts beyond just a kiss or a date or sex. You’d kissed and fucked and wined and dined others in the past for plenty of different reasons that didn’t really matter, despite the notion that experiencing any of those firsts with someone who was not your one-and-only was often taboo in your world. Yet, you believed the words you’d once been told by a stranger you no longer remembered, and you held strongly to those ideals, because they grounded you— you found comfort in them, and they acted as a guiding light when you were otherwise wandering lost in the clouded haze of your own life.

The first time you realized that Park Chanyeol was the love of your life felt like a scene from a coming-of-age rom com more than it did a moment in your own life. It came after all those other firsts in your life had been experienced with different people over the last ten years, and it came on one of the otherwise most unimportant nights of your life.

In the months since you’d known him, you’d come to appreciate the different looks you’d witness in Chanyeol’s eyes. When he was deep in thought, focused on something, making a new piece of music or writing a new lyric or verse. When he was bursting with excitement, an extrovert on main, relishing the spotlight and attention from those he surrounded himself with. When he was quiet and calm, his eyes not giving away the thoughts firing through his mind (though those moments were fewer and further between than others— he’s a busy man, you know). He had what you’d come to call ‘galaxy eyes’— you could see the whole universe wherever he looked.

What had compelled you to stay with him well past a reasonable hour, into the middle of the night? To accept the invitation to close the ride share app you’d opened to take you home and instead settle into one of the stools lined up along the bar he’d built in the studio? To willingly take the glass of overpriced special edition Macallan scotch (a bottle you’d only ever seen in person before when locked in a glass case behind an unachievable monetary value for a single bottle of liquor) that he slid across the bar top towards you with a smile plastered on his face? To lift that glass up with a delicate grasp, knocking your knuckles against his and murmuring a ‘cheers’ as you both drank to everything at once and nothing at all?

What had compelled you to snort with laughter with him and exchange humorous stories of your awkward teenage years, to talk about your first crushes and the embarrassing things you’d done in your youth that you could both cringe and laugh at now that years had passed? To follow him when, at the end of the bottle, he’d said he had something important to show you? To wait patiently as he fumbled with the ring of keys to the building he spent most of his free time in— admittedly he spent more time here than in his own home— as he unlocked the door that lead up beyond the top floor? To take his hand as his long legs raced up the stairs to bring you somewhere he insisted he’d never shared with anyone other than Baekhyun or Sehun or MQ? To look out over the safety rails in wonder at the Seoul city skyline at well after three in the morning?

If you had to really narrow it down, it was the comfort he provided.

It was an accident, all of it, really— an accident that you even met, an accident that he broke your expensive prescription glasses and spilled your morning coffee, and an accident that he felt embarrassed and asked for a method to contact you so he could replace them. It was an accident that you even stayed in contact beyond the day you’d gone to his studio building to pick up the replacement pair he’d ordered, so that he could apologize again, profusely, in person.

You’d come to Seoul to get away. To run far away, to start over, to reset, because anything and everything you’d been looking for before was no where to be found in where you were.

And now you were here. And ‘here’ felt more like home than anywhere else in the years of your adult life so far.

It’d been six months since you met, and he’d slowly let you into more and more of his life as that time had passed. There was hesitation on both sides at first— he was still an idol, someone living a very public life, despite having been more senior in his career. You were still decidedly not famous, and had a constant nagging feeling about what was worth giving up of your own privacy in order to cultivate the new found friendship. Ultimately, the same reason you accepted each and every proposition he offered up that night was the same reason you’d stuck around this long: the comfort.

“You’re not cold, are you? If you’re cold, I’ll get you a coat—” He’d asked suddenly, after a prolonged silence shared between you on the rooftop. You shook your head softly, closing your eyes gently for a moment as the heat rushed to your cheeks. Was it from the cold, the alcohol you’d been consuming, or a response to his considerate question that got you? You weren’t really sure that it mattered. Maybe it was none of them, maybe it was all.

“How often do you come here?” You asked, diverting the subject.

He hummed thoughtfully, non-verbally agreeing to give you a pass on his first question despite the shiver he swore he saw run down your spine just now. His eyes never stayed on one point in the skyline for long. Like he was restless, impatient, searching for something. “Whenever I need to remember that I can still be small. Even after all these years, with all the people that know who I am… I can come up here and still feel small.”

His honesty spread a smile across your face, and you couldn’t help the laughter that erupted from deep within you.

“What? What’s so funny?” He pestered.

After the small eternity in relative stillness and silence you’d shared since ascending to the rooftop, you turned your head and looked straight into his galaxy eyes to respond. “Park Chanyeol, you’re might just be the biggest, grandest presence of a person I’ve ever had the fortune of meeting and knowing. But you’re also the softest and most sincere. If you want to be small, I promise I’ll forever see you as how you want to be seen. I promise to do my very best to see you as that and only that.”

Where did the proclamation even come from? Deep within your heart and psyche, that’s for sure, unearthed by the liquor and again the comfort, that pesky comfort you felt when you were with him; and you knew without the liquor and the comfort that proclamation would have otherwise remained buried. As you processed what you’d just said to him, your heart thrummed in your chest, and an awareness settled over you.

‘Oh,’ you thought, ‘This must be what that feels like. What it feels like.’

You knew you’d said the wrong thing as the moments between your words and his lack of a response ticked by, as the silence between you grew from a pause to a hesitation to a complete and utter blank stare looking back at you. Those galaxy eyes, the ones you’d grown to treasure, rendered completely unreadable by something you’d said. If this was a brave new world you’d entered with that thinly veiled declaration of love, you wanted no part of it.

You had to back pedal, to rewind the last two minutes and take it back, you couldn’t have him catch on—

“Shit,” he muttered out finally, running his hand through his slightly grown-out bleached hair.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“You feel it too?” His words cut you off, and it took a moment to register what he’d just implied.

What was that feeling? ‘That’ ‘it’ you were just so sure you’d felt? Surely it wasn’t the foundation of everything you thought you knew shifting, of your heart gravitating towards that of another, of a sudden realization that the center of your world wasn’t the sun or a star or a physical place, but the space between you and another person?

“What… what do you feel? When you’re with me?” You asked softly, unable to look away from him despite the furious flush you wished you could hide.

And there it was again, erasing any fear or previous hesitation, reinforcing everything you’d felt that you’d been so sure you’d fabricated in your mind. That kilowatt smile, the sparkle in his eyes, looking like he held the whole world in his gaze when his eyes were on no one else but you. “I feel like I see my whole future by my side, and that I want nothing more than for them to feel the same.”

Would it be so bad? To take his hand?

“I—” you breathed out, words caught in your throat before they could even make their way to your tongue.

“You keep your promises, no? Didn’t you just promise me to see me how I want to be seen?”

He had a point. If you’d taught him anything about yourself these past few months, it’d be that you kept your word when you gave it. You sucked a breath in and bit down on the flesh of your mouth, chewing at the inside of your lip for a moment. How could you weigh every pro and con of allowing yourself to love the man beside you with your whole heart? How could you make such a choice in so brief a passage of time, to give in to everything your psyche had been all but screaming at you for at least the last month, if you really thought about it?

Anxiety made your heart race faster and faster as he waited for your response. Your eyes flicked down to see his hands gripping the guardrail in front of him, knuckles turning white as he steadied himself. And in that moment, you came to realize a different truth of not just the love of your life, but humanity in general: celebrity status aside, everyone deserved to love and be loved in return. You could only wish that everyone important to you could feel the way you felt when you looked in Chanyeol’s eyes.

Really, would it be that bad?

‘No,’ you finally thought, unable to stop the smile from spreading as you rose on the tips of your toes to meet your lips with those of the man who wanted to be reminded that even with the life he’d led so far and the path he’d chosen that he could still be small, ‘It wouldn’t be bad at all.’

—

author’s note | stream 1 Billion Views, steam Yours, be emo about them both because I sure as hell was while writing this.

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chadprez · 4 years

Text

These lyrics hit me hard for some reason

So can we have the remote to the TV called life?

Can we play fast forward, rewind?

Rewatch while we wine and dine it's so fine straight,

Or spine and we won't grab it better catch it for a fly.

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snowdxve · 5 years

Text

The Entire History of You

A fanfic based on Episode 3, Season 1 of Black Mirror

Yancy x Reader

Warning: Light gore, Strong language, Alcohol, cheating

Word Count: 2681

A/N: After watching this episode, I had instant inspiration because I love a good tragedy but I did change up a few things. This was really fun to write. This was mostly for fun but now that I read over it there isn’t a lot of detail but I want to get it posted tonight, so I hope you enjoy.

~~~~

Technology had developed quickly and a little device that recorded everything you seen or heard was implanted into everyone. This little device was placed behind everyone’s ear so it wasn’t very noticeable unless you were looking closely at it. Yancy had even got one and was excited to show You everything that he had experienced. Yancy couldn’t have been more excited; he was getting out! Today was the day he was allowed to leave the prison he had called home for so long and live out his life outside the walls with You, the love of his life. He walked out of the prison with a smile plastered on his face as he struts happily toward the car. Damien had come to pick up the ex-convict and take him to his new home. Yancy got into the car and greeted Damien with a big hug before pulling the seatbelt over his chest as the drive began.

You had gathered everyone together ready to surprise Yancy on his first day home; You made sure everyone was there! You made cake and gathered in the living room, waiting patiently for Yancy to arrive at the house. Yancy soon walked into the house and looked around the room; his eyes immediately falling on You. His smile fades a bit as he sees another man talking to you. The way the man smiled at you, the way you looked at him made Yancy tense. Something just didn’t feel right. When you turned to him, you kept your smile and walked straight to Yancy, looping your arm with Yancy’s and guiding him into the living room.

“Yancy! Sweetie, it’s so great to have you home.” Yancy looks down at you and smiles as you kiss his cheek. “You remember Wilford and Magnum, right?” You ask as you walk into the living room. Yancy nods a moment as he shakes their hands before turning his attention to the man who had talked to You just moment earlier. “This is Illinois!” You gesture to the man who tips his hat to Yancy and shakes Yancy’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you, you should do a rewind on the tv so we can see everything.” Illinois offers.

“No, tha’s only for Y/N and I to look over later.” Yancy says calmly as Illinois walks down the hall to the dining room. “Foods ready!” Illinois calls out as Magnum and Wilford cheer and trail behind Illinois into the dining room. Yancy stops you a moment, “Has he always been part of the group?” Yancy asks with a raise of an eyebrow. “I’ll answer questions later, dear. Come on let's go eat.” You walk ahead of Yancy into the dining room and seat yourself towards the end of table. Yancy sits across from you as he puts stuff on his plate and looks across the table at you. Your eyes were trained on Illinois, a smitten smile on your face. Yancy’s heart sank, he remembered how you used to look at him that way. Had this man just come along and stolen the spark?

“This new grain thing is more my style; I can get to rewind and revisit all of my steamy moments.” Illinois chuckles as he looks down the table at You. “Easy,” You giggle out. Yancy watches the interactions quietly as he pokes the food around on his plate, watching everything. When dinner was finally over, Yancy couldn’t stomach the thought of Illinois being anywhere near them; he walks into the living room and sits down, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes to relax a moment. You followed close behind, strutting over to Yancy and sitting down on the couch. “I’m so glad to have you home, Yancy.” You coo as you reach over, intertwining your hand with Yancy’s. Yancy pulls his hand away and looks at you.

“So? Has he always been a part of the gang?” Yancy question’s curiously.

“Who?” You turn furrow your brows as you look at Yancy.

“Illinois. Like did he go around giving the girls backrubs? Is he always that, flirtatious?” Yancy clenches his jaw a bit and bites the inside of his cheek.

“My love, stop. I know you got some sort of weird vibe from him and that’s probably because, well Illinois and I had a little fling a long time ago for about a month in Hawaii. I didn’t know you back then so I don’t see why it’s such a big deal.” You pick up a wine glass and take a small sip as Yancy sits up in his chair.

“You what? You slept wit him? Well isn't that just amazing!” Yancy shakes his head and lets out a frustrated growl.

“Why does it matter? It was years ago and you didn’t even know me!”

“And I thought that this Mr.Hawaii guy was supposed to be a brilliant man-”

“Why are you so obsessed? It doesn’t matter Yancy, you got this all fucked up!” You cut off Yancy as you pick up your wine glass and make your way to the stairs.

“Oh, I’s fucked up? Well that’s brilliant because sometimes you're a bitch!” Yancy grumbles out. You froze and turned to Yancy with a sad look on your face. “Y/N, I didn’t mean that-” An image of Yancy appeared on the tv screen repeating what You had just heard him say. ‘You’re a bitch.’ played over and over on the tv screen as you made your way up the stairs.

“I said sometimes! You can’t just cut that out, Y/N!” Yancy calls after you.

Moment later, Yancy walks up the stairs into the bedroom with his head down. “Y/N, I’m sorry. I just get jealous; I don’t want to lose you. You’re all I got outside of the prison walls.” Yancy sits on the edge of the bed as You cup his cheeks and guide him into a gentle kiss. “It’s okay, Yancy. I understand.” You whisper as you holds him close. Yancy nods slowly before crawling into bed next to you; he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you against him. You lean into him and close your eyes as you slowly drift asleep. Yancy, however, couldn’t sleep. After everything that had happened that day he found it harder and harder to sleep, so once he was sure that you were asleep; he crept out of bed down to the living room not before pulling a bottle of Jack Daniels out of the fridge. Yancy rewinds his memories on the television screen.

He focused on you and the way you acted. The way you had your attention glued to Illinois. How you laughed at everything he said as if he was some sort of comedian. Yancy fills the glass and take a drink, he replayed and watched the few scenes over and over through the night. When morning rolled around, Yancy was finishing the bottle and a brilliant thought popped into his head. He should go pay a visit to Illinois. Yancy stands and walks out of the house quickly and quietly, starting up the car a warning sign appeared in front of Yancy. “Grain advise you not to drive in these circumstances.” The chip inside his head speaks. Yancy rolls his eyes and starts up the car, “yeah, thanks for that.” He slurs out before backing out of the driveway.

It didn’t take Yancy long to get to Illinois and when he did Illinois walked outside in a robe and boxers. “What do you want convict?” Illinois crosses his arms as Yancy gets out of the car and hugs him.

“Nothing, I just want to come over and say hi!” Yancy says brightly as he stumbles into Illinois house, walking down a long hall way until he reaches the living room, he grabs a bottle of vodka off the table pullng the top off with a loud pop following. He presses the rim to his lips and takes a long drink as he falls back onto the plush cotton couch. “Yancy, you can’t be here. What’s going on? Are you and Y/N bumping heads?” Illinois asks as he puts his hand on his hips. Yancy looks up at Illinois and tilts his head as he tips the bottle back once more.

“No! Y/n and I are fine. I have one question, is this where you rewind your hot and steamy time? Is this where you rewind the hot steamy times with my girl?!” Yancy growls out. Illinois lets out a heavy sigh as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “I think you should go.” Illinois walks to Yancy, grabbing his arm but Illinois didn’t get very far before Yancy smacks the bottle against Illinois head. Illinois covers his face and groans in pain before wrapping his rough hands tightly around Yancy’s throat. Yancy, in a struggle to breathe, grabs Illinois by his hair and yanks him back. Illinois and Yancy rolled from the couch the to ground with Yancy, hovering over top of Illinois with his hands around his throat. “I want you to delete them! Every memory you have of Y/N I want you to delete them!” Illinois eyes became a pale white before Yancy grabs the empty vodka bottle and smashes it on the hard-wooden floor, sending bits of glass all over.

“Not on your eyes! On the screen now! If you don’t, I swear I will carve out your throat and I will break all of your fingers! I swear!” Yancy yells as he holds the sharp end of the broken bottle to Illinois throat. He watches the images of each memory show up on the screen. His eyes widen a moment as he took notice of one the timelines. ‘1 month ago’. Yancy’s heart sank as watches all memories being deleted from the screen; First there was sadness then there was boiling anger, Yancy gripped the glass piece a little tighter before plunging the piece of glass deep into Illinois shoulder. Yancy stands and sends his foot into Illinois stomach, causing him to double over in pain as he clutches his shoulder. Illinois laid there crying as Yancy storms out of the house to his car.

In that moment, Yancy was alone what the hell was he going to do now. He put all his trust and hope into You and you had blandly lied and cheated on him. Yancy was stunned; the one person he had changed everything for had done him wrong. Yancy bites his lip as his vision clouded, tears spilled over his eyelids. Hot tears raced down his cheeks as he drove home quickly, regretting that he had ever trusted you.

Yancy walks up the stairs slowly, listening to every step creak quietly under his feet as he walks towards the bedroom; he leans against the doorway and sniffles a bit as he brushes away his tears. “Why did youse lie to me?” Yancy takes a few steps into the room as you sit up from the bed. “What? Yancy, where have you been?” You sit up in the bed concern written all over your face. “You were with him, Y/N. Youse was with him while I sat in tha prison cell and rotted!” Yancy yells. You crawl to the edge of the bed and look up at Yancy, “what are you going on about? I was never with Illinois!” You protest.

Yancy points his rewinder to the tv and his encounter with Illinois plays on the screen. Your eyes widen as you look from the screen to Yancy, “what in the hell have you done?” You whispered in horror. Yancy takes a deep breath as scrolls in on the image. There you were sitting in your bed with the tan colored blanket pulled over your chest, a small smile of satisfaction plastered on your face with the caption 1 month pasted under the picture. “Youse get suspicious and youse thinks youse crazy sometimes but when youse not youse can finally get rid of the shit. It’s like having a rotten tooths really, and when youse get tired of it. You dig out all the shit.” Yancy grumbles out, peering over his shoulder at you.

“Yancy, it was a mistake. It was after that argument we had, you walked away and you didn’t call or even accept my visitations! I went out for a drink with him and we got talking. It shouldn’t have happened.” You sniffled out. Yancy stands up and walks to you, “I wanna see it.” He sniffles out.

“What?” You ask in shock as you look up at the man, his messy raven hair was in all different directions and his face was cherry red from crying. “Youse heard me, I want to sees it!” Yancy says firmly. “I deleted it! I just wanted to forget it.” You sniffled out. Yancy looks down at you and shakes his head, “So it’s just a blank spot on youse timeline? I wanna see it.” Yancy demands. You nod helplessly as you turn and crawl across the bed to the night stand, you grab your small silver remote and freeze as you flick back through memories as quick as you can, hoping to find it and delete it before Yancy would notice.

Yancy crawls over you and grabs the remote harshly from your hand, “Youse not going to delete it now! Stop lying to me, Y/N!” Yancy yells as he looks at the remote. ”Show me, Y/N. I want to see it.” Yancy whimpers out as he stands at the edge of the bed, holding the small remote flat out In his hand. “Show me,” You places your hands on Yancy’s chest and shake your head helplessly. “No, please, Yancy. I love you. Why?” You whimper out as tears stream down your face. Yancy grabs the sides of your head, “Just show me!!” He yells as he pushes you down on the bed hard.

You curl up into a ball, crying as Yancy looms over you. “Look what you’ve done to me!! This isn’t me!! Where do I go now?! How could you do this to me?! To US?! After everything we’ve been through?!” Yancy yells as he tosses the remote on the bed and sits back down in the chair with his hands in his hands. “Play it, please.” Yancy sniffles. You obeyed this time, sitting up shakily and playing the memory on the tv screen while you buried your head into the blankets and sobbed.

Yancy looks away from the screen as his heart breaks a little more. He had so much hope, so much joy to finally have something outside of those prison walls and now it had been mercilessly snatched away from him. Yancy stands and walks out of the room with you tagging behind him quickly. Just as Yancy reached the door, you wrapped your arms around him tightly. You press your head against his back as you cry. “Please, Yancy, don’t go! I love you, please. Please, please.” Yancy had his hand around the doorknob as his head hangs. You knew just how to tug at his heart strings. It reminded him of the first time you had come for a visitation; the way you cried when he was taken away.

Yancy hated seeing you upset; it was his biggest fear. He hated to think of you being alone and on your own. He was weak to you. Yancy turns in your holds and draws you against his chest, closing his eyes as he rest his head on yours. He knew far too well that he wouldn’t give up on you after all he had just gotten out. Things could be repaired, after all he had changed his ways for you. He had fixed himself up mostly, maybe all you needed was someone to lean on and he was there now for you to lean on. Yancy holds you tightly, never wanting to let you go.

Yancy’s dream was chatter when a loud knock sounded from the door. “Yancy! Come out with your hands up!”

#a heist with markiplier yancy #awhm yancy #i love yancy #a heist with markiplier #markiplier #illinois ahwm #markiplier yancy #markiplier illinois #black mirror #ahwm x reader #yancy x reader #illinois x reader #the entire history of you #errxrfics #my writing #fanfics #fanfic

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hanalwayssolo · 5 years

Text

What We Owe To Each Other: Ch. 5 - Nightmare

Link on AO3

To the casual observer, Sam may have appeared to be in his usual self at the dinner table, but he was definitely not okay.

Not that he was willing to admit this. Perhaps his mood would not have soured and he would have been in good spirits had he not woken up from that nightmare. He thought he was past all of that; he had been hoping that a change of scenery would finally do him good—which, he had to admit, had briefly worked its magic for seven consecutive nights back in the Western Ghats, though dissipated like vapour as soon as he returned to Mumbai—and somehow, somewhere along the way, he had thought he had gotten better at keeping the horrors at bay, thought that if he convinced himself hard enough that he was okay, all these dreams would miraculously stop coming back to haunt him. But it didn’t. Most of his nights remained sleepless. Insomnia looked a lot like safety. A bed looked like the closest thing he had to a coffin.

Yet on some nights, Sam wondered what he would see next in his dreams if he would ever fall asleep. Would it be that time he got badly beaten up by the guards? Would it be that time he spent weeks in a dark cell that reeked of his own shit and vomit? Or perhaps, that time when he watched Nathan’s face blur before him the moment he got shot? Even without dreaming, he could still remember the ache. The sharp bite of bullets. The sickening plunge of falling. His body could still rewind the pain and plummet over and over. His body remembered its song like a stubborn, broken record refusing to stop its music.

Which was why that evening, Sam could not find the appetite to eat when the crumbs of his miseries had him convinced that he was full. He could not bring himself to enjoy a good drink without being reminded of the blood. Sully popped the cork of the chardonnay and all he heard were gunshots. Cutlery scraping the plates sounded a lot like the relentless shriek of a metal pipe against the concrete floor. The ticking of the grandfather clock standing in the corner of the dining room echoed the click of the guards’ heels. Everywhere was a constant reminder of what he had been through, a looming fog of every single thing he wanted to forget and goddamnit if he could only scream and run, he would.

But instead, Sam steadied himself, clenched and unclenched his trembling hands under the table, forced himself to relax, plastered a smile. He summoned every good memory he could muster and told them his best stories that chronicled his earlier adventures with Nathan: their thieving days in São Paulo, their first heist in London, their deadly dive involving Magellan’s shipwreck off the coast of Palawan. He proposed toasts in earnest delight, cracked every silly and dirty joke, swept everyone with the bubbling laughter, the clever banter, the simmering sham of a revelry, a distraction of his own making. Sam, if only for this evening, was determined to play the part of the undamaged and untroubled older brother. Because he should have been the responsible one. He should have been the dutiful one, the one who should have had their life put together. After all, what else was he supposed to do other than to pretend? It’s not that anyone likes to talk about the trauma. No one ever likes to talk about the trauma because it only kills the mood. No one likes to kill the mood because to talk about trauma means having to exorcise it. Conjure up its spirit and say its name. He is never one to be afraid of ghosts, and maybe that’s part of the problem.

So when Nathan asked Sam if he was okay—if everything was really okay—the act faltered. The picture-perfect façade slowly dimmed its luster. He stumbled for an answer to a ridiculously easy question as if he was fumbling for lost keys. And even as he answered it, Of course I’m okay, Nathan—I’m okay, he was aware that if anyone out there was clever enough to see through his bullshit, it was always going to be his obnoxious and smartass of a little brother.

And the mere thought of it only left him riddled with guilt and shame.

The dining room seemed to grow smaller and smaller in the silence. Undrunk glasses of wine and untouched leftovers remained in their midst. Before anyone could even speak, Sam excused himself and went up to his room, where he collapsed on the bed in an exhausted stupor.

Sam is back again in Panama, but this time, he is with Nathan and they are both running. Gunshots erupt from all sides, the sound of heavy footsteps close on their tail. He is out of breath but he does not stop. They leap from one roof to the next, dodging bullets one after the other. He runs, keeps on running, picks up the pace. The rattle of gunfire gets louder and louder. And closer. He ducks for cover.

Sam sees Nathan reaching the other side and stops at his expense, one arm outstretched, telling him to jump. I’ll come pull you up, says Nathan. So Sam does as he is told. He takes the leap and reaches for Nathan’s hand. He clambers up the wall, gets himself on top of the building unscathed.

I made it. We made it —

More gunshots.

This time, Sam survives.

But this time, he watches Nathan drop on his knees, his mouth foaming blood, three bullets that should have been his lodged in his brother's chest.

#uncharted #samuel drake #sam drake #nathan drake #my writing #i kind of want to suffer so here i am

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we-are-only-halfway-home93 · 5 years

Text

Come and Lay the Roses 6- My Tongue Is A Weapon- [Ivar x OC]

Summary: Ragnar makes Ivar and Aaline sit down to dinner with the family. It doesn’t go well.

Characters: Ivar x OC, Bjorn x Torvi, Ubbe x Margrethe, Hvitserk x Thora, Sigurd x OC, Ragnar, Lagertha

Warnings: Arranged marriage, language, violence, sex, torture

Word Count: 4422

Ch. 5

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

~Joseph Campbell

Aaline sat on the edge of her vanity, staring at herself in the mirror but not really seeing. She had done her full makeup and put on one of her nicer dresses. She had her pearl earrings in and her hair was done up in elegant curls. She had never looked better and yet she felt so empty.

Ragnar had called the family to dinner. He said they needed to sit down as a family to discuss the upcoming nuptials and that everyone needed to get to know Aaline. On the outside, she looked calm and composed but on the inside, she felt as if she was rattling the bars on a cage she’d been locked in.

She blinked when she heard a knock on her door. “Come in.” Torvi poked her head in and smiled at her. She stepped inside and whistled low. “Don’t you look beautiful.” Aaline gave her a good-natured smile and stood up. She stepped inside her closet and pulled out classic black pumps. Torvi followed and leaned against the door jamb. Aaline sat on the round chaise in the middle of her closet and slipped her heels into her shoes.

“Is there anything I should be wary of?” She asked. Torvi gave her a tense smile and rubbed her hands together. “Well, Ivar will be pricklier than a porcupine.” Aaline snorted and stood up, passing Torvi on her way. “He’ll likely try to say things to irritate you, offend you.”

Aaline sat back at her vanity and made sure her makeup was pristine. Really she was just trying to put off this dinner. She knew nothing good could really come from tonight. She may as well just suck it up and get it over with.

“I anticipated that. Is there anything that could surprise me?” Torvi shifted and knotted her fingers together. “Sigurd and Ivar don’t get along. Sigurd will probably say something to offend Ivar and Ivar will get pissed and say something back and there might be some screaming and one or both of them will definitely storm away from the table.” Torvi shrugged and met Aaline’s eyes in the mirror.

Aaline heaved a sigh and pushed back from her vanity. She stood and nodded once at Torvi. “Might as well get it over with.” Torvi nodded once and led Aaline from the room.

When they reached the dining room, Aaline could see everyone else was there already. Ragnar was in the corner speaking to Lagertha in hushed tones. Sigurd and Sibylle were already sitting at the table, facing each other and smiling. Ubbe was sitting and had his head buried in his phone while Margrethe swirled her finger around the rim of her wine glass. Björn and Hvitserk were leaning close together in their seats having, what looked like, a serious conversation. Thora was sitting on Hvitserk’s other side while Torvi took a seat next to Björn. Ivar was sitting next to his father and Ubbe while there was an empty seat on Ragnar’s other side and next to Torvi. Lagertha and Ragnar each had one end of the table.

Aaline glanced over at Ivar before taking a seat across from him. He was staring at her but he didn’t look angry. He just seemed to be looking at her. Aaline took that time to let her eyes roam over him.

He was wearing a simple gray v-neck sweater with the sleeves pulled up to his elbows. He was curling and uncurling his fingers into fists against the table and Aaline could see the muscles in his forearms jump when he did. From the stories she’d heard, she knew that the strength in his arms was unmatched. Years of getting around using his arms had given him an advantage other men couldn’t hope of gaining even through years of strength training.

She looked up and stood in a flurry of motion when Ragnar came around and raised his glass. The others stood as well and everyone came to the table. Ragnar smiled at each person individually before he began to speak. “Thank you all for coming to dinner tonight. With recent events, I think it’s important that we come together as a unit and work towards strengthening old bonds and creating new ones.” He raised his glass in a toast and everyone followed suit. “Skol.” Aaline nodded and took a long drink from her glass.

Everyone sat back down and soon enough the food was brought out by a line of cooks and staff members. One of them came around behind Aaline and placed a classic white bowl in front of her. “Good evening ladies and gentlemen, tonight we begin with a lovely spinach salad with brussel sprouts and a creamy lemon sauce. For our entrees, we will be serving seared scallops with brown butter and lemon pan sauce and we’ll finish off with a dessert of chocolate clementine torte.” A tall man took a single step back into the corner of the dining room and held his head high.

Ragnar nodded once and saluted the man and the staff with his glass. “Thank you, everyone.” Once the staff left, Ragnar gestured to the food with his hands. “Shall we eat?”

Dinner was a quiet affair with stilted and awkward conversations. Aaline answered the questions that were asked and smiled at everyone. Ivar was silent through most of the dinner. He seemed almost passive. He let his brothers and father lead the conversation and pushed his food around his plate. Aaline almost envied him. At least he wasn’t the main subject of discussion.

“So, Aaline where did you go to school?” Lagertha asked. They had made it all the way through the entree without anyone asking about school and Aaline was surprised. She placed her fork down on her plate and folded her hands in her lap. “I attended various boarding schools growing up and double majored in International Business and Public Relations at Oxford before moving back home.”

Ivar snorted and Aaline looked at him. She had to force herself to sit still and not flinch away from the hostility in his eyes. “Various boarding schools?” Hvitserk turned the conversation back on topic, smiling towards Aaline. She nodded once and cleared her throat. “Yes. It was difficult for me to make friends. School was a struggle.”

“What? Did daddy not give you enough money?” Ivar said. Aaline looked over at him and forced the fire in her chest back down. She would be the bigger person no matter how much she wanted to lash out. “No, nothing like that.” She turned back to her food but Ivar continued. “The other kids didn’t like you? Made you cry?” He was taunting her. The cruelty in his voice was obvious.

Ragnar tensed and glared at his youngest son. Lagertha’s jaw was tense and her knuckles white against her silverware. Ivar’s brothers were either glaring at him or consciously avoiding their eyes.

Aaline narrowed her eyes at him and tilted her head slightly to one side. Ivar grinned and seemed to take it as a challenge. “I didn't like them. I made them cry.” His grin widened and she felt a sense of pride swell in her chest. She shook it off and turned to Ragnar when he spoke. “International business and public relations. Why did you choose that path?” He smiled at her, trying to take the conversation from Ivar.

“My mother. She dealt with the foreign side of my father’s company. I took over once I came of age.”

“Ah, where’s mommy now? Did she leave you when things got rough with daddy?” Ivar snorted. His tone was mocking.

“Ivar.” Ragnar scolded. He was staring hard at his youngest son who was making it a point to not look at his father.

Aaline glared at him and straightened in her seat. She met his stare full on and felt the corner of her mouth turn up. “No, she’s dead.” She saw the corner of his eye twitch and the smile dim on his face but he kept his gaze locked on hers.

The table sat in tense silence until Björn spoke. “So, Aaline, are you adjusting alright?” Aaline tensed and saw Ivar whip his head around to glare at his brother, his knuckles turning white against his grip on his silverware. Aaline appreciated Björn’s attempt at distraction but it was a poor attempt at best.

She cleared her throat and nodded. “It’s alright. It has its challenges.” Ivar snorted and shook his head, looking down at his plate of half touched food. Aaline glanced at him from the corner of her eye but stayed quiet.

Everyone seemed content to leave the conversation as it was and focus on dessert. Aaline was grateful. It was exhausting maintaining her composure. All she wanted to do was scream at the top of her lungs. The injustice of her situation was ridiculously unfair. She learned a long time ago that life was unfair all around but she sincerely felt like she’d been given a bad lot following this revelation.

Marriage had always been something she’d imagined for herself but she figured she’d get to at least choose who she got to marry. Specifically someone she’d been seeing regularly for some time before the actual event of proposal and marriage. Maybe she’d even love them. Either way, this was not the way she always imagined she’d prepare for her wedding.

Dessert was quiet and Aaline was relieved to think that she would escape back to her room with no more stilted and tense conversation. She wasn’t sure if Margrethe was trying to be nice or trying to make her non-existent relationship with Ivar more strained but whatever her motive, she didn’t do anyone any good when she asked her next question.

“Are you ready for the wedding?” There was a clatter as Ivar dropped his silverware down onto his plate. He brought his hand up to his mouth and Aaline could see the hard grip he had on his face as he reigned in his anger. Ubbe was glaring at the side of his wife’s head as if he was trying to will time to rewind so he could stop the question from ever leaving her mouth. Aaline saw Sibylle look over at her with apprehension but Aaline was too busy watching Ivar to spare her a look.

Aaline swallowed and almost coughed at how dry her throat suddenly seemed to be. She took a large sip of her wine and cleared her throat, looking over at Margrethe.

The other woman seemed to not be aware of the tension she caused. She was staring with kind eyes at Aaline. Aaline nodded once. “As ready as someone in this situation can be.” Her voice was soft as it carried across the table. It seemed to echo in the silence that followed. “And what situation is that, Aaline?”

She snapped her eyes to Ivar. It was the first time he’d called her by name and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. His eyes were filled with something that Aaline didn’t recognize but it sent chills down her spine and made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. The sense of dread that settled in her stomach made her feel as if the dinner she’d just consumed was about to crawl back up her throat. She never wanted to see this look directed at her again.

Ragnar was glaring hard at his son, his jaw clenched hard enough to be painful. Björn was shaking his head with wide eyes while Hvitserk and Ubbe just stared at Ivar.

Aaline didn’t have a response for him but he didn’t seem to want one. “They call us heathens, you know. The Saxons.” His eyes were harsh. He wanted to get a rise out of her. He wanted her to be afraid or angry. He wanted some kind of reaction. She wasn’t going to give him one. “We don’t follow the same gods so, not only are we personal rivals, but we don’t align religiously either.”

He sat forward and braced his forearms on the table, staring at her from under his brow. “So, do you mean the situation of marrying a heathen or maybe a cripple?” There was a sharp intake of breath from Ragnar and Björn huffed, shaking his head.

Aaline drew her eyebrows together, confused. She knew about Ivar’s medical issues as a child. His DDH had been diagnosed significantly late in his toddler years and he’d had casts and corrective surgery to fix it. He’d maintained a noticeable limp throughout his childhood until he started boxing. The limo was nearly gone into his later years but then he’d been diagnosed with inflammatory arthritis of the hip. What little Aaline knew of his kind of arthritis caused him pain and made it difficult for him to walk but she wouldn’t go so far as to call him a cripple. If that was how he saw himself then he had deeper self-esteem issues than she thought.

She took a deep breath and shook her head, angry at his assumptions of her. “I was referring more to the fact that this is an arranged marriage but feel free to think what you’d like, Ivar.” Aaline could see the small smile gracing Ragnar’s face as he looked down at his plate. Björn had a satisfied smirk on his face and Hvitserk started laughing. Ivar sat back in his seat and just stared at her.

Lagertha sighed and placed her hands in her lap. “I know this is difficult but we need to try to move forward, make the best of this.” Aaline felt a small sense of relief at Lagertha’s statement. She turned her head towards the end of the table when Sigurd snorted.

Out of all of them, Sigurd was the only one who had continued to eat through all the awkward conversations. At one point or another, every person had stopped eating because the anxiety at the table had shrunk their appetites. Sigurd had never stopped eating. The agitation at the table seemed to slide off his back like water on oil.

“It’s already difficult, Lagertha. Things will be impossible when they’re actually married.” Sibylle leaned close to her husband and rested a hand on his upper arm, whispering against his ear. He shook his head and continued to dissect his dessert, ignoring her. Aaline heard Ragnar take a deep breath and release hit harshly. Ivar was white-knuckling the table and staring straight ahead, looking through her.

“Sigurd now is not the time,” Ragnar growled. Aaline could hear the threat come from somewhere deep in his chest, the rumble reverberating across the table. Sigurd shrugged and looked down at his father. The smile on his face was anything but kind. Aaline wasn’t sure if he was trying to scare her or anger his brother. Either way, he seemed to be succeeding at both. “Why not? She’s going to marry him, she should know that he won’t be able to please her.”

Aaline’s eyes widened and she looked at Ivar. His hand had moved to grip his knife in a bruising hold. He was breathing hard and he looked like he was shaking. His face was red with anger and she could hear the growl rumbling in his chest.

“Sigurd, enough.” Aaline looked down at Ubbe when he spoke and was confused. He was scowling at Sigurd, his hand resting on Margrethe’s leg. Margrethe was staring at the table, her hands clasped tightly together and her face pale. She looked back to Ivar as Sigurd continued to speak.

“Wouldn’t you want to know if your wife could please you, Ubbe? Aaline has the right to know that Ivar can’t get it up.” She jumped in her seat when Ivar slammed the tip of his knife down into the table, embedding it deep into the wood.

“Both of you enough!” Ragnar roared.

Ivar was breathing heavily and stared down at the table top before turning his head to glare at his brother. Sigurd had a satisfied smirk on his face as he continued to ingest his dessert. Sibylle looked mortified as she took a long drink of her water.

Ivar stood and swallowed thickly before stalking from the room. Aaline stared at the space that he used to occupy, keeping her eyes away from anyone trying to catch her attention. She calculated what motivations Sigurd had for humiliating his brother the way he did. Torvi had told her of the animosity between the two but she failed to explain how deep it truly ran. If Sigurd was willing to insult his brother in the presence of his family then he clearly had a deep loathing for Ivar.

Ragnar was glaring at his son while Sigurd pointedly ignored both his father and his wife. “Please, forgive them, Aaline. They forget their manners.” He said. No sooner had he spoken, a muffled crash from further inside the house. The crashing continued and Aaline saw Hvitserk flinch and then stand, adjusting the buttons of his jacket before disappearing.

Aaline looked up at Ragnar, her face unreadable. “It’s alright but,” She pushed back from the table. “I seem to have lost my appetite. If you’ll excuse me.” She stood up and brushed invisible crumbs off her dress. She turned away from the table and ignore Lagertha’s calls of her name and Sibylle’s pleas to return. She kept her eyes straight ahead as she ascended up the stairs and back towards her room. Her thoughts were a whirlwind.

Ivar lay with his hands behind his head, staring up at his ceiling. It was late, early hours of the morning and he couldn’t sleep. The events of dinner were coursing through his mind, keeping him up.

He and Sigurd had never gotten along. Ivar accepted the fact that Aslaug had paid him more attention than his siblings growing up. His health problems as a child had kept his mother occupied and she neglected her other duties as a mother. He admitted that his mother was far from perfect but his father’s frequent absences throughout his and his brother’s childhood made it difficult for them all. Aslaug did her best but her attention had been mostly focused on Ivar growing up and Sigurd, more often than not, got the shaft.

Ubbe and Hvitserk were old enough by the time Ivar came around that they understood Aslaug’s preoccupation with Ivar. Sigurd, however, struggled with Aslaug’s inattention to him and took it out on Ivar.

Both of them had short tempers and dark dispositions so they clashed often. Ivar didn’t like to admit it but he had some deep-seated insecurities. His health problems prevented him from being involved in school. His various doctor’s appointments and surgeries made making friends hard and his hip pain made most sports impossible. He felt largely isolated at school and Sigurd’s verbal abuse didn’t help. He liked to tell Ivar that he was worthless. Nobody wanted to be his friend because he was the weak Lothbrok. He was a cripple and nobody wanted to associate with a cripple. If anything, they’d only ever pity him.

Hvitserk and Ubbe worked hard to combat Sigurd’s abuse. They reminded Ivar at every turn that he wasn’t a cripple. He could walk and he could move around and that didn’t make him a cripple. His oldest brothers were kind and considerate and made sure to assure him often that there was nothing wrong with him.

When Ivar was fifteen, his half-brother, Björn moved back home following his military career and took a place alongside their father in his business dealings. Björn had started boxing when he was a child following his sister’s death and this hobby morphed into kickboxing which helped his military career exponentially. When Björn moved back home, he grew closer to his younger brothers through their shared interest in the sport.

Being so much older than his brothers, Björn used boxing as a way to connect with his siblings. He taught them stances and moves and quickly built relationships with all of them. He was closest to Ubbe and Hvitserk being but he and Ivar were in good standing.

Ivar sighed and sat up, resting his elbows on his knees. He gazed at the clock on his nightstand and cringed at the early morning hours. At this rate, he wasn’t going to get any sleep. He heaved himself up off the bed and headed towards his door, slipping his Nikes on as he went.

Boxing always helped him relieve stress. It helped him focus and clear his mind of everything that brought him anxiety. His fiance was the current focus of his anxiety.

She was a beautiful woman. He admitted to himself that he was taken aback by her beauty the first time he saw her. She faced him without fear though he knew she had to be just as apprehensive about their meeting as he was. His unease manifested itself in anger and provocation while hers was more subdued. She stood her ground and refused to rise to his bating. It was only when he touched her that she acted.

He had to admit that her aggression turned him on. When she pressed the letter opener against his skin, the rush of want and lust that swept through him nearly bowled him over. Her approach also set something off in the back of his mind. His unwanted advances put her on edge enough so that she lashed out physically. There was a story there and he wanted to know what it was.

When he reached the gym, he was surprised to see the lights on a steady rhythm pumping from the speakers. He stepped around the doorway and stopped dead. His little fiance was just full of surprises, apparently.

The punching bag that was set up in the middle of the room was being thoroughly pummeled. Aaline was dripping in sweat and her hair swayed behind her violently. She had a look of deep concentration on her face and Ivar got the distinct feeling that she was down here for much of the same reasons as him.

As much as she represented his own lack of choice in this situation, he imagined she felt more betrayed then he did. It was her father that had come up with the idea of marriage. Ragnar was prepared to just kill Ives Jensen and be done with it but Ives was a coward and was willing to throw his daughter to the proverbial wolves to save his own skin. He imagined the rage and resentment inside her was enough to drive anyone to madness and here she was, releasing her frustrations on a solitary punching bag.

“How long have you been boxing?” Aaline caught the bag as it came back to her and looked over at the door. A wave of tension rose up in her chest when she saw her fiance. He was the reason she came down to the gym.

She had been ruminating on what had happened a dinner and found sleeping difficult. She decided to take advantage of the late hour and monopolize the in-home gym. She didn’t think anyone else would be awake to disturb her. Clearly, she was wrong.

“I didn’t think anyone else was awake.” She said. Ivar shrugged and stepped closer. “Couldn’t sleep. So?” She blinked at him and shook herself. He had asked her a question. “About seven years.” He nodded and bit his bottom lip, searching her face.

Aaline felt her face get hot and she looked away. He was dressed far more casually then Aaline had ever seen him. He had on tennis shoes, running shorts, and an old white t-shirt that hugged his frame. She could make out the lines of his shoulders and chest through his shirt and she was never more aware of how finely built he was.

“I’m sorry.” He snapped his head up to her at her apology. He wasn’t one hundred percent sure what exactly she was apologizing for but he let her do it anyway. He nodded his acceptance and looked away. The air between them was awkward and Ivar couldn’t stand it.

“Sigurd makes it a habit to try to say things to get to me, so, don’t let it get to you. Hvitserk tells me just to ignore him but I’ve never been very good at that.” Aaline gave him a small smile and he felt a sense of victory well up in his chest.

Aaline looked down at her hands and picked at the wrapping between her fingers. She didn’t really know what to say to him. She knew that her foreseeable future would be much more bearable if she and Ivar at least tried to be friends. Maybe if she made the suggestion, he would agree with her.

“Look,” She stopped when his sharp eyes cut across to her. They always held an intensity that stopped the breath in her lungs. She could see why he was so intimidating to be around. His eyes alone froze people in their tracks. She cleared her throat and started again. “Look, I know that this is not an ideal situation for either one of us but, I figured since we don’t really have a choice, maybe life would be a little bearable if we tried to be friends.”

She couldn’t look at him as she talked. She was too afraid of what she might see in his eyes if she did. The silence that followed her statement was only broken by the soft melody of her playlist in the background. She could barely hear it over the pounding of her heart.

She glanced up when she heard him sign and felt an acute sense of relief when he nodded. “I agree. We’ve been put in an unimaginable position and, as much as I know we both detest it, our marriage will be easier if we’re friends, at least.”

Aaline flinched slightly when he mentioned marriage but he wasn’t wrong. She turned back slightly to her punching bag. “Do want to stay? I could use a partner.” She didn’t look at him when she offered but a smile graced her lips when he came around to face her and nodded. “I’d like that.”

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