#do u know how happy i am to hear different music from this app

[gifti3]

I really want that cat mug

[delicrieux]

☆ﾐ 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 “𝚘𝚑”

PART 10: BIG DICK IS BACK IN TOWN

y/n is back in brooklyn for the holidays. thinking that a stream will make her feel less homesick for cali, she starts working on her famously titled hentai.free.srv. what was supposed to be a relaxing stream turns into a special delivery about two hours in.

─── corpse husband x reader ─── soc. media + written fiction! ─── word count: 2.2k ─── ❥ req: Here's one... You know those apps for delivery like Domino's or whatnot... What if reader is streaming Among Us with Corpse, and reader mentions they're hungry and Corpse offers to order them food, and readers like no no it's fine... Then there's delivery at the door (Corpse ordered beforehand) 

author’s note: fucky format is also back in town baby!!! also if you find any mistakes - no u didnt <3 thank u everyone for enjoying this story sm i literally cant believe how feral yall going strawberry cow was a nuclear explosion im still recovering tbh. got an ask a while ago and decided to incorporate it into myso. happy holidays everyone! myso will continue on monday!

ultimate masterlist.  ҉  myso masterlist   ҉   previous.  ҉   next.

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

Indeed, being soft on any social media platform was the biggest disgrace and needed to be eliminated post haste. Moreover, it was a slippery slope - once you start flooding your timeline with cute imagery and heart emojis, what will stop you from posting inspirational Facebook quotes? Disgusting. If Rae were here, she would chide you (not you thinking about her as if she’s dead or something). For once in your life, you feel like you deserve it. 

Alas, you hope this little chaos you’ve caused is enough to throw everyone off. The stans, especially. You know the hashtags, you’ve seen ARMY scourging for info online with the same fervor and ruthlessness 1 Direction fans hacked airport security cameras just to spy on the boys. If you had any dirty secrets online, they are out to the public now - thankfully, besides the Harry Styles stan account (with edits and all), you have nothing. Though, now that you think about it, exposed nudes would have been better than your Punk!Harry edit receiving almost a million views. God, your life’s a fucking mess.

Your fans aren’t the only ones out for info - you, too, are trying to decipher Rae’s message. Code: Barbecue Sauce. The two of you had come up with it roughly two years ago, around the same time when you promised that if you didn’t find significant others by the time you’re 40, you’ll just marry each other. It was one of the many rules found in your friendship codex. Barbecue Sauce signifies information - an exchange of information. And depending on how it ends or begins (”So I’m sitting there” alludes to Rae, “On my titties” alludes to you), secret data on that person is given away, usually free of charge. 

But why? And to whom did Rae give away what? You had pestered her mercilessly and even sent some voice messages where you were crying. You were only crying because of a video of a grandpa smiling you saw on TikTok, but you are a snake, and so you put those tears to good use. If streaming doesn’t work out, you’ll just become an actress. Hollywood would love you. Your PR firm sure as fuck wouldn’t, though.

Rae was having none of it. She said you’ll figure it out eventually. Told you to channel your superior puzzle skills. You were quick to remind her that you can barely count to ten without having an aneurysm. Oddly serious, she admitted that she worries for you sometimes. Why only sometimes?! you demanded. She merely sighed. uttering under her breath something that sounded closely to “Boke.”

You leave her for barely a week and she’s already neck deep in the gay volleyball anime, hoodie and cardboard cutout and everything. Your life is falling apart.

But Brooklyn is nice. It had snowed when you stepped off of the plane. Thousands of snowflakes sprinkling into your hair, dotting your cheeks and nose. You missed this sight back in Cali. You missed your parents, too. 

Home cooked meals, old sweaters, your old room and about 40GB worth of old high school pictures on your computer. You went through them all one night. Some were stomach churning, cringe inducing nightmares. You were especially fond of those. Texted some of your friends that were still in Brooklyn, met up, decided to bake. Bad idea, Rae was the resident chef back in Cali. Besides laughing till your stomach hurt, and almost burning down your kitchen, nothing all that significant happened. Somewhere down the line, at about 3 am, half-way through a cheesy rom-com you had the overwhelming urge to text Corpse.

That’s where the problems really started. God, you missed California, missed being in the same timezone with a guy you hadn’t even met yet, how embarrassing is that?! You missed skating around and taking pictures of the beach in the setting sun, sending it to him, silently wishing he was with you to admire the view. 

You really want to call him. And to hang out with him. But for some reason, the thought of that springs up immediate anxiety and you shy away from asking. Him sending you cute good morning texts doesn’t help, either. Maybe it’s better he doesn’t know that you’re a blushing, stuttering mess each time you read “baby”. 

Late evening. Your stream is already set up, people are slowly trickling in and you greet them with a grin and a soft “Hello! Hi hi!”. You did your best to make your room a perfectly chaotic backdrop - led lights, an embarrassing amount of anime merch and plushies. You always try to balance out your weeb side by dressing hot as fuck for your streams - today’s inspiration just so happens to be egirls. Mostly because you watched one too many egirl make-up tutorials on TikTok, and also because you’ve been listening to Corpse’s song all day.

Yeah, no, who are you kidding, you dressed up this way because you were hoping Corpse was watching your stream. You didn’t forget your cat headphones, either. You know he likes them. You want to make him suffer. Perhaps then, finally, he will ask you out, so you wouldn’t have to.

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

“I feel like,” You start when you put away your phone, staring idly at the chat, “I feel like I need a new name for you guys. Calling you guys after two years of streaming is just... weird, no? I also don’t respect men so I don’t want to call you guys. Like, so many creator’s have, like, a name for their fans. Uhm, Cody Ko has the chodesters, Kurtis Conner has, uh, folks? Kurtis Town? Citizens! Markiplier has mommy issues--” You can’t help snorting, “So, I’ve been, like, thinking - I know, shocking! - so I was thinking I’m gonna name you cockroaches. Because you’re grimy little shits impossible to kill. And also then I can use the legendary Minaj meme ROACHES!”

Your stream enthusiastically echoes ROACHES, making the chat swim. Yes, if anyone would enjoy such a name, it would be your audience. You’re as equally proud as you are disturbed.

“Well, anyway.” Leaning back into your chair, you throw your arms out with a bright grin, “Big dick is back in town, baby! If you noticed the backdrops different, it’s cuz I’m in Brooklyn now. Don’t ask me when I will return to Always Sunny, I don’t plan that far ahead.”

While Minecraft boots up, you decide to answer a few questions.

r u dating sykkuno?

You want to smack your head into the keyboard, but as it is, you can’t exactly afford a new one, so you refrain, “No, Sykkuno and I are not dating, we are just good friends. Uhm, I’m not sure how much I’ll have to repeat this, but, we really aren’t, so if the roaches could chill - Oh my God, that sounds so stupid, I love it - uh, yeah, if the roaches could chill that’d be great.”

the roaches lmao sounds like we’re a sports team

“Oh shit, yeah it does, uh-- maybe I can make like, jerseys or something. That’d be cool, I think.”

how disappointed are your parents with the way your life turned out?

“My parents are actually not disappointed at all!” You say with a cute little smile, “Uhm, they’re both really proud, actually. They’re glad I found something I love doing and made a job outta it. Dad finds my Youtube videos endearing. Yes, they watch pretty much all of my videos, unless I explicitly tell them not to. And yeah, with all the fucks and thirsting for anime characters. Uhm, it was very embarrassing at first, but I mean, after a while, shame just...doesn’t exist anymore, I guess? Funny thing about my parents, actually, when they watch my videos-” You eye catches a comment, “Oh! No, they only watch my Youtube videos. They don’t know how to use Twitter, thank God. Uhm, anyway-- when they hear a name they don’t know, like, I dunno, Dabi, or something, they google--” You’re grinning by now, eyes crinkling, giggling softly, “--who that is, and buy me like, merch and stuff. It’s really cute. 

can i be adopted by ur parents plz

will you and corpse ever collab?!

You were about to answer, though the man of the hour himself decides to do it for you.

Corpse_Husband: yes.

Okay, not to say your heart skipped a beat, but it totally did. With a pleased smile, you nod, like one of those bobble head toys sold at the dollar store. The motion is oddly reminiscent of Sykkuno’s own nod. Perhaps you had picked it up from him. The chat seems to notice.

pack it up, sykkuno

More questions pile about this mysterious collab you and Corpse are planning. Yeah, you’d like to hear more about it, too, since he single highhandedly decided one was happening right now. Corpse remains silent. Fine, keep your secrets. 

“Okay, guys, oh, I mean, roaches, Oh my God--” You’re covering your mouth, giggling, “-calling all roaches, calling all roaches, calm down. Everyone grab a snack and a blanket I’m turning up the music volume so we can all chill. Entering chill zone. Entering chill zone. Roaches, prepare.”

we are prepared

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

An hour or so passes and you grow hungry. It shows with the amount of cakes you had baked in your server. Currently, you find yourself throwing eggs at the wall of one of the renovated houses, your face scrunched in concentration and slight frustration. 24 of the 50 eggs have been wasted. “What’s a girl gotta do to get some chicks around here?” you had uttered under your breath, until, finally, a screech - the egg finally spawns a mob. Your mouth falls open, “Aww, look!” You approach it, so small, walking in zigzags beside you, “It’s a baby chicken! Die, bitch.” The baby chicken is no more as you swing your bedazzled (you have mods) diamond sword. You’re cackling by the time the dust settles.

y/n is a child murderer

“Roaches,” You address your fan-base, spurring another fit of laughter - you can’t get over the name, “I think I’m like, forgetting that eating in Minecraft won’t actually make less hungry in real life.”

take a break and go eat queen <3

“Fuck no, we starve and die like men. Now I actually really need another chicken.”

Another twenty minutes trickle by and you’re trying to lure back a panda from the jungle when there’s a knock on your bedroom’s door. Whipping your head to the side, you slide down your headphones. At the same time, your mom pokes her head through the ajar door, “MOM!” You scream, “Get OUT of my room I’m playing Minecraft!” But your yell has no actual bite to it, as you don’t manage to hide your smile. Your mom laughs, doing some sort of sign language and motioning for you to follow her with her head. That or it’s some sort of performative dance. 

“I’m live right now,” You tell her, pointing at your screen. She knows this already, though, “do you want to say hi?” 

The roaches spam the chat with friendly hellos. You mom, quite impatient now, waves you over. 

“Sorry, roaches, mom needs something. Be back in a bit!”

Stopping the stream, you rush out of your seat and pleased she slinks into the hallway. “What’s this about?”

“Your pizza came.”

“My what now?” You echo, confused.

“Domino’s. You ordered pizza?”

“What? No? I was busy with the stream, I never--”

Thankfully, you had managed to grab your phone from your room before you exited. You almost choke on spit once you read the messages.

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

You decide that it’ll be impossible to stream after experiencing what you had just experienced. You tweet out a quick apology to the roaches (God, that fucking name) and say that you had a breakdown but you’re okay. That is as a close to the truth as you managed to muster. It’s a sad sight, chewing and crying; your mom winced when she saw your state - disheveled hair and rundown eyeliner and everything. “D’aww,” She had muttered, caressing the top of your head, “don’t cry my little raccoon.”

If anyone was ever to ask you where did your chaotic nature come from, you’d answer with my mom. To make yourself feel better, you took a selfie - duck face and peace sign and the horrible 2000′s angle. Sent it to Rae. 

looking hot, her message read. 

thanks, was all you replied with.

You couldn’t just leave things as they were. Once you calmed down, you wanted to text Corpse, but how would you follow up the ungodly caps lock and screeching? Impossible. An idea sprung to mind, one that was brave. Taking the first step.

Instead of sending a text, you sent a voice memo.

“Thank you for the pizza, it was delicious.”

You voice still sounded a bit raspy. His reply was instant. Your heart skipped a beat. He sent a voice memo back.

“Glad you liked it, baby.”

He was going to be the death of you.

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

tags (in italics is those i couldn’t tag! make sure all’s ok w your settings!) : @littlebabysandboxburritos - @fairywriter-oracle - @tsukishimawh0re - @ofstarsanddreams - @bbecc-a - @annshit - @leahh19 - @letsloveimagines - @bellomi-clarke - @wineandionysus - @guiltydols - @onephootinfrontoftheother - @liamakorn - @thirstyfangirl - @lilysdaydreams - @pan-ini - @mxqicshxp - @tanchosanke - @yoshinorecommends - @flightsandfantasy - @liljennyx3 - @slashersdream - @unknown-and-invisible - @sinister-sleep - @fivedicksinatrenchcoat - @mercury–moon - @peterparkerspjsuit - @unstableye - @simonsbluee - @shinyshimaagain - @ppopty - @siriuslystupid - @crapimahuman - @ofthedewthesunlight - @mythicalamphitrite - @artsyally - @corpsesimpp - @corpsewhitetee - @corpse-husbandsimp - @hyp-oh-critical - @roses-and-grasses - @rhyrhy462 - @sparklylandflaplawyer - @charbkgo - @airwaveee - @creativedogs - @kaitlyn2907 - @loxbbg - @afuckingunicornn - @fleurmoon - @yeolliedokai - @truly-dionysus - @multi-fandom-central707

more tags are in the comments bcs tumblr only allows me to tag 50 people max 💙

[circethegoblin]

STAYING ALIVE MASTERPOST, FROM A BROKE TEEN WITH ADHD

here you go. some down to earth tips on how to not die metally nor physically.

tired of those "drink three liters of water everyday uwu" and "wake up at 5 am" and "buy a bath bomb and a fec mask and some other things you don't have the money for" shit? i'm here for ya.

1. NOT DYING

eat at least three meals a day, one of which m u s t be warm and above 300 kcal (it can be istant ramen with an egg added if you have to)

you technically should shower everyday, but we know how it is. A change of clothes is sometimes enough.

DRY SHAMPOO AND BABY WIPES!!!

keep bottles with water everywhere. On your desk, near that spot on the floor you always end up sitting on, near your bed, basically whenever you know you spend a lot of time. No need to get up and go to the kitchen will help. Obviously change the water in the bottles as often as you can.

Get some form of physical activity. It doesn't have to be much, you can for example replace scrolling on tiktok by walking around your room and scrolling on tiktok! Brilliant, isn't it? Obviously, running or doing those 10 minutes workouts from youtube is better, but you are still getting like an hour of walking.

Buy blankets. Steal blankets. Summon blankets from other dimensions. Just make sure you have a lot of warm, soft blankets in your house. You will thank me when you won't have the anergy to wash your sheets (just take them off and throw some blankets on your bed), or when the power goes out.

If you have pets, ALWAYS keep spare food that'll last for a week for them.

things to always have in the kitchen: milk, eggs, flour, rice, pasta, yeast, cheese, oil, a leafy vegetable, onions, tomatoes, apples, patatoes, some flavourful sauce, sugar, salt, spices and an emergency chocolate bar. You can make a lot of food with those. Just make sure you won't eat the chocolate too fast.

Have a lot of spare batteries. A lot.

Get urself a flashlight, a lighter, and a pocket knife.

Remember the apples? eat one a day. if you don't like apples or you can't eat them for any other reason, you can take a kiwi, banana, orange, basically something that will give you vitamins and non processed sugar.

do the dishes before your sink starts developing it's own ecosystem

drugs from that one guy around the corner = very bad time

2. NOT DYING INSIDE

Open the damn window.

Don't watch so many commentary videos. You are probably not even checking the sources, so you can easily make unjust judgement, and like. did you even hear of half of those people before?

make a discord server just for yourself. get into the habit of writing little things that happened to you there. rant about the fanfics you read. or the movies. vent there if you don't have anyone you can vent to. write your ideas there, write e v e r y t h i n g. make a section for passwords, for quick ideas, for your to do lists. you won't lose it as you do with sticky notes or notebooks. there is no risk anyone will see it. oh, and when you'll have a strong impulse to tell emily that you hate her? write that message in your private server and list all ur arguments. look at tat the next day and decide if you really mean that.

life sucks. come to peace with it.

cuddle ur pets if you have them

1 hour a day without a lot of sensory input. if you have to, reduce to half an hour.

if you find yourself scrolling endlessly through social media, make sure it's pintrest (just don't compare urself to the people here; if you have issues with that, tumblr may be better)

delete. twitter. from. your. phone.

influencers are lying to you; maybe not even intentionally. remember when you were watching that cute-aesthetic-productive morning routine, and you were wondering why your life isn't that pretty? why your room is a mess? why you cannot for the life of god be aesthetic 24/7? its the filter. don't worry about it, their lifes arent that nice either.

realize there's actually nothing stopping you from screaming as loud as you can right now. like there is no physical barrier. think about it. realize there's no actual physical barierr to many other things.

your body is your body. you can decide how it looks like; just remember it's in your greatest interest to keep it healthy.

3. BEING A LITTLE BETTER THAN JUST ALIVE

If you wear make up, take it off before you go to sleep.

moisturize your body; everything is better when your skin doesn't feel dry

have a one brand of cosmetics that you love and buy things mainly from it. they often have sets of products that complete each other. i like ziaja. it's a polish brand, it's surprisingly cheap and has nice quality

cleanser, moisturizer, face mist

of you can, change your sheets once every two weeks

do the dishes before your sink starts developing it's own ecosystem

do a deep house clean once a month (don't beat yourself up when you don't tho)

keep your workspace organized (it doesn't have to look organized to other people, remember)

sunscreen

cook your own food

keep a calendar

no money for scented candles? got ya. make a simmer pot: throw some apple peel, a couple of cinnamon sticks and whatever spices that smell good you have into a pot, add some water and simmer. boom. your house smells good, and you haven't spend 20 dollars.

If you really like candles, buy scented wax melts. it's cheaper.

Buy urself scented mists. they're pretty cheap and will make you feel A LOT better.

keep your clothes clean. if you aren't sure if that shirt thats on your chair is dirty or not, throw it in the washing mashine anyway. better be sure.

if you can, make your bed right when you get up

wear clothes that make you feel good. put some effort into your outfits. really.

4. OTHER PEOPLE

be nice to essential workers.

if you have money, give tips.

remember, you do not owe anyone love; it is not something you can force. even if they saved your life. even when they helped you in your darkest time. if you don't love them, you don't.

you don't have to be in a romantic relationship to be happy.

if you want to, date! date everyone! date girls, date boys, date nonbinary people! date people completly different than you, date people from different countries, date them!!! just make sure they're kind and won't kill you. even if you don't end up in a relationship, you can learn a lot.

don't be afraid to piss off people that deserve it

smile to strangers :)

5. NOT FAILING SCHOOL

heard of dark academia? check it out

romanticize the heck out of studying

do not let your studying be just reading the same partagraph over and over again. it won't work. believe me.

seterra for geography, quizlet for everything else

try to make yourself intrestet in whatever you are studying (watch veritasium, listen to podcasts about weird history facts)

notes are for you and you only; don't worry about them looking pretty. doodle on margins, make weird metaphors, squeeze in as much info as you can.

when you're studying, listen to music without words/in a language you don't understand.

chew gum while you study

get the forest app, get attached to the trees, focus.

don't feel guilty for taking breaks

grades aren't everything, but they are important.

eat something in school

don't just use the cheapest pens. invest a couple dollars in something that will make writing enjoyable and smooth

those study with me videos? they're great

if you like to argue with the teachers, take care of your grades becouse. they may not like you afterwards.

be nice to your classmates and help them with homework. if you don't do your homework they'll help you

executive dysfunction won't let you study? been there. sometimes it's better to wake up ealier tommorow and do that homework then.

don't feel guilty for failing a test

go to the goddamn class

don't pull all nighters oh my god don't especially on weekdays

6. OTHER LIFEHACKS

don't get involved in the crime, and if you do always have a believable explanation why you were doing it

have different alarm sounds for every day of the week

set a daily limit of money that you spend

great hobbies that don't require a lot of money; urban exploration, writing, hiking and learning other languages

thrift stores

don't eat grapefruits while on meds

nail polish removers dissolve most strong glues.

if you have a cut on your skin, desinfect it. do it. please just do it.

always have pads with you. even if you don't get periods, at least one of your friends probably does

sign up in your local library. its free

[cafedanslanuit]

✦ • ° *.  — Ｓａｅｒａｎ＇ｓ　Ａｆｔｅｒ　Ｅｎｄｉｎｇ —  . * ° • ✦

chapter guide  |  chat with me  |  maybe a coffee?

summary: Saeran has finally found MC and is ectasic to finally be able to enjoy the good ending his tumultous life has reached. But with Saeyoung still missing and Mint Eye around, his happiness may have to wait a little more. Was love really capable to win against his inner demons or will he have to learn to fight for himself?

chapter warnings: [check chapter guide for story warnings] mentions and/or descriptions of night terrors

c h a p t e r   f o u r   —   it’s not like me to be so mean you’re all i wanted

“Are you sure about this?” MC asked as she stepped into Jumin’s office. He closed the door behind her and sat on one of the sofas, inviting her to do the same.

“I already told you it’s more than okay. We have an interior designer but I… I am discontent with how this office looks. I want to change it and you need a job, what’s there more to ask?”

“I guess you’re right,” she replied with a smile, taking out a notebook from her purse. “I guess I was just worried you would have a problem with your father about hiring a different interior designer.”

“Not at all, I made all the normal paperwork C&R asks for a new employee, like a background check and some other revisions. You will also get the benefits freelancers get from our company, in case you were wondering.”

MC shot her eyes up at Jumin. He looked back at her, his eyebrow slightly raised. The silence between both of them became thick, the notebook on MC’s hands trembling slightly

“You’re worried about what I saw on the background check,” Jumin rationalizes, crossing one of his legs over the other one. MC nodded, her eyes darting from her notebook to the man sitting in front of her. Never before had she felt so vulnerable with someone from the RFA.

All this time, she believes only Saeyoung knew about it, since he was a hacker. She had done the best to hide her steps, never commenting on anything she shouldn’t have, knowing that even though Saeran was a better hacker than Saeyoung, he trusted her enough to not dig around her past and she planned to keep it that way.

She would tell him eventually, she had told herself. When she was ready.

“You shouldn’t worry about that. It’s not like you did something wrong,” the man in front of her said. “By your reaction I assume no one knows? Well, Saeyoung probably does. Does Saeran…?” MC shook her head. “I see. Well, he won’t hear it from me,” he assured her. “You can stop worrying about that.”

MC stayed in silence for another moment and then opened her small notebook with a long sigh.

“I’m guessing you’re going to want cats somewhere?” she asked with a small smile, to which Jumin imitated her.

“I actually do. I’ve been thinking about getting some cat pottery. I’ve found a couple of those at a designer website that seem to be a good fit.”

“Can you send me the link, please?” she asked, taking a note. “I will try to see if they still have them.”

The rest of the conversation fluctuated between casual conversation and ideas about Jumin’s new office. Even though she tried her best, she couldn’t shake the feeling of someone else knowing what had happened a few years ago. She wasn’t ready to tell everyone (and a part of her was sure she would never be) and now she felt as if Jumin was finally looking at the real her. The way he talked to her was the same, but she couldn’t shake the feeling something was bound to happen at any second, that if too many people knew about it, somehow history would repeat itself.

Jumin insisted she returned home with Driver Kim and, as soon as she jumped out of the car, she went straight to the kitchen. Distract yourself , had been the clear indication she had been told whenever her thoughts were too much. She put her earphones on with music on high volume as she followed the recipe.

Distract yourself , she repeated the words someone else told her before. No. She didn’t get to break down at something that didn't happen. Jumin didn’t question her about it. Hell, Saeyoung had never questioned her about it. Why would she allow herself to feel like this?

No, she deserved to feel like this. She had the right to feel scared, she had the right to feel whatever she wanted to feel. It had happened a while back, yes, but it was not going to happen again. She felt her chest tighten. It was not happening again. Just because people knew didn’t make it any different. She wasn’t in the wrong, she hadn’t done nothing to feel shame about what happened. It was okay, she was going to be okay, she was--

She felt a hand over her shoulder and screamed.

“It’s me, it’s me!” Saeyoung said, raising his hands in surrender as you took your earphones off. “I’m sorry, I asked you something and you didn’t listen. I’m sorry.”

MC shook her head. “It's okay. You just startled me, that’s all. Not used to you being without  the leg cast.”

“How did it go with Jumin?” Saeyoung asked carefully.

“Oh, it was okay. He has some ideas so maybe I’ll work on that later. I have to bring him a proposal by the end of the week,” she explained. Saeyoung nodded and waited for her to continue, but she didn’t. He understood.

“I was just going to ask what you were planning on cooking today,” Saeyoung said, his tone playful, trying to lift her mood. “Honestly, I’ve been so blessed since you started taking care of the food around here. God listened to his humble server and said: You! You deserve good food!” he joked, pointing at a corner in the kitchen. MClaughed. “And I was there, choking on a Honey Buddah probably, agog, aghast,” he said, running to the same corner and playing himself. “Thankful. Blessed. Touched by God’s light and MC’s cooking.”

More laughter erupted from MC as Saeyoung kept joking around. The door opened and they both saw Saeran entering the apartment, hands on his pockets and a dull expression on his face.

“Saeran! I made dinner,” Saeyoung beamed.

“I made dinner,” she corrected him, elbowing him on the ribs playfully. MC looked over at Saeran and smiled at him. “It’s going to be ready in twenty minutes or so.”

“I don’t want it,” Saeran muttered, leaving his keys on the small coffee table. Her smile faded and she did the best to bring it back up.

“Should I save you some for later?”

“No,” he said, avoiding her gaze and heading over to his room. The smile on her face finally vanished and she felt once more a hand on your shoulder. Saeyoung looked at MC apologetically and she shrugged, trying to rest importance to what just had happened.

“I’m guessing you do want some?” she asked and he immediately nodded with a smile.

“Please, I’m starving,” he sighed, putting a hand on his neck theatrically. You giggled and went back to your cooking, listening to Saeyoung rant about something he had seen on a movie the past week.

You had never been so thankful to have him.

…

Apparently, decorating an office with little cat motives while also maintaining a professional look was harder than MC had expected. She had been up all night in her room looking for new furniture and items she could add, drawing and drawing Jumin’s room in her pad and checking the photos and measurements she had taken earlier over and over again.

It felt good to finally be back to work again. After months of thinking only about religious cults and Saeran’s recovery, she knew she needed to get back on track. She had been without a job for about two months when Saeran had first contacted her to try out “an app”, and thinking she hadn’t many job opportunities before and rent wasn’t going to wait for her, she had taken it.

And now there she was, four months later trying to get back on the saddle.

MC clicked the next page on the website and a pop up of a blonde woman offering her help navigating the website made chills run down her spine. How long would it be until she could stop thinking about Rika? She took a sip of her coffee and let out a long sigh.

She still couldn’t believe Rika was found unimpeachable. Her attorney had brought a psychiatrist to the court who claimed to have assessed her as she waited for the trial. Apparently, Rika had been through her fair share of trauma as a child. Thanks to Yoosung, MC already knew Rika had been adopted by cruel parents and judging by what she’d seen at Mint Eye, she was sure Rika wasn’t in her best mental state. The updates MC read online didn’t provide any video of the trial itself as some subjects were private, but the source did confirm Rika was practically delusional. She had talked about a childhood friend named Mika, who she claimed has given her the idea for Mint Eye. But when Rika’s attorney tried looking for her, he discovered said Mika had died at the brief age of ten years, just a couple of years after being adopted.

Apart from the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder the psychiatrist had diagnosed Rika with, it seemed Rika couldn’t differentiate real life from her imagination anymore. The psychiatrist claimed she also had a complex personality disorder that could take time to correctly diagnose. The information presented on trial was enough for the judge to find Rika unimpeachable and sent her to a mental facility to spend the rest of her days.

The night she read those updates from the trial, as she rocked Saeran softly to help him sleep again after a nightmare, MC let herself cry again, torn between the feelings of wanting her to suffer and trying to understand she hadn’t been in her right mind from a very young age. As she looked through the window, she thought about V. She remembered Saeran mentioning V had been a victim of Rika as well and her heart broke by how much suffering he had been into while also being kind to her during the days MC spent at Mint Eye.

MC closed her eyes and wished V were healing as she was thinking about him.

A loud crash startled her, making her look at the door. Another crash and screams followed and she quickly stood up, recognizing Saeran’s voice immediately. She opened Saeran’s room and found him tossling on his bed, eyes closed and face damp with sweat.

“Saeran, wake up,” she whispered, standing on the edge of the bed. “Saeran, baby, it’s a nightmare,” she said in the softest voice possible, grazing his arm with her fingertips.

The door opened again and Saeyoung entered, his honey eyes widening at his brother screaming on the bed. He quickly jumped on the bed, ignoring MC’s protests and took Saeran by the shoulders, sitting him up.

“Saeran, wake up!” he said, shaking his shoulders. Saeran’s teal eyes opened and Saeyoung smiled again. “Hey, it was a--”

And that was when the first strike hit.

Saeran had punched Saeyoung in the face, who had fallen on the bed backwards. Saeran hit him once more as his brother tried to cover himself. MC gasped loudly and quickly latched herself on Saeran’s back, trying to restrain his arms the best she could.

“Saeran, it was a nightmare!” she yelled. She could hear Saeyoung’s grunts underneath his brother and she wished she had more strength than Saeran. “You’re safe! You’re not in Min Eye, you’re safe!” she assured him, using all the force she had to restrain his arms, stopping him from hitting Saeyoung any further. “Saeran, you’re safe!”

It took Saeran a moment to stop his movements. His body immediately tensed up and MC figured out he had noticed Saeyoung’s body underneath him. When she demeaned safe, she let go of his arms, which fell limp against his sides.

“Are you okay?” she whispered and looked at Saeran nodding slowly.

“What happened?” he asked in a hoarse voice.

Saeyoung got up from bed and MC noticed the faint stain of blood on his cheek. He put his hand over Saeran’s shoulder and shrugged nonchalantly.

“You had a nightmare, but it’s okay now!” he said with a grin. Saeran looked up with a grimace.

“I hurt you.”

“You didn’t.”

“I hardly doubt she did,” Saeran muttered, his head leaning to MC’s side. Saeyoung dismissed him, moving his hand.

“Don’t worry about it. Gonna get cleaned up, try to get some rest, bro,” he said, leaving Saeran’s room.

Without a word, Saeran got back into his bed and even let MC put the sheets over him. Her face was full of concern and he realized for the first time, she was quiet after one of his nightmares. She would usually talk to him, trying to get his thoughts to stop swimming around like they were in that moment.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked, making her eyes look at him. She quickly nodded.

“I held you back, so you didn’t hurt me,” she replied, putting a strand of his hair behind his ear. “But don’t worry about that now. Did you take your pill before falling asleep?”

Saeran nodded, watching MC’s lips purse.

“They will start working better soon, I promise,” she whispered. Saeran watched her lean down as she always did to leave a kiss on his forehead but stopped herself. His chest ached. “I’m still working on that Jumin project, so I’ll be awake for a while. Knock my door if anything happens, okay?” she asked him sweetly and he nodded once more.

Battling with her intense desire to stay, MC stood up and left Saeran’s room without looking back. There wasn’t anything in the world she wanted more than to stay by his side until he fell back asleep but she also knew he needed to get better without the need to have her around. He couldn’t depend on her, no matter how much she was craving to go back and snuggle up with him, trying to chase all his nightmares away.

There was also the lingering concern about Saeyoung.

She found him in the bathroom, trying to pour alcohol over the wound on his cheek. She stopped him and made him sit on the toilet gently, trying to assess the damage. Thankfully, his cheekbone didn’t seem to be broken and the wound on his cheek was small, so there wasn’t the need for stitches. MC started cleaning it up in silence with a cotton pad, taking her time.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. She quickly shook her head.

“You didn’t know. But in the future, when he gets those night terrors… you need to wake him up gently. Works best on him or he gets confused and sometimes violent,” she explained. A move of her hand made Saeyoung hiss. “Sorry,” she whispered.

“Duly noted,” Saeyoung tried to smile, but failed. MC some cream on the other cheek, hoping it didn’t bruise too much.

“Just give him some time, please,” she asked him softly.

“Don’t worry for me, MC,” Saeyoung grinned. “I’m okay.”

MC wished she believed him.

previous chapter | next chapter [tba]

[speedylightpeach]

A Decade and a bit

*Trigger warnings*

*18+ content*

It’s been about 12 years since I met a guy and ended up pregnant. I wanna say it was a choice, but it most certainly was not on purpose. I remember finding out, and being so afraid he would leave; telling my mom the same, just to have her blow up at him. Funny because now, I look back, wishing he’d have left right then and there. For the next 11 years it was bound to be hell; and all I can think is, how did I do this to myself? How did I allow this all to happen to me? How was I too blind to know I deserved better? I don’t know but still to this day, it haunts me, and unfortunately 60% of the time, I still don't believe I deserve better. February 2010 my daughter was conceived, honestly I was so happy, excited even. I remember hearing her first heartbeat, he wasn't there. I remember walking home with the biggest smile on my face, and feeling so stupid at the same time, walking around with this big weird smile on my face. She was a blessing. In the very beginning I decided I would raise her right, and try my best to build her up and make her strong. My mom always put me down, told me I couldn’t do anything. Well, she, that’s another whole different fricking story. Being pregnant was amazing, feeling baby move and just patiently waiting. I got lucky and didn’t even have bad morning sickness or pains or anything. Months roll around and these little red flags popped up but for some reason I was blind to them till later. I guess I just can handle a lot of shit. 6 maybe 7 months pregnant and we were walking somewhere, and i remember him like pulling me along and rushing me, and I was just so pregnant that I was getting stitches and it hurt, but he didn’t care cuz we had somewhere to be. I don’t even remember where, but the red flags came more and more, and I ignored them all. Not wanting to feel like I was an ass for thinking he was being an ass. He was an ass, and it only got worse and maybe I was an ass too, I don't think I'm innocent here, maybe we are both victims. I remember the day my daughter was born. I remember staying in Edmonton at his dad’s, doing the waiting game. November 23 2011, at 4:30 am, I remember waking him up and telling him that I was counting my contractions and I thought it was time. Now, after previously wishing he’d have left at the very beginning, this here is the next moment I wish we’d have separated and never turned back. Okay and first I have to say, this wasn’t one of those pregnancies where u end up going into the hospital ten times and just unsure. I went in once, around my due date to get induced, a week later, here we are. he looks at me, half asleep, and says “okay, well you go, and call me from the hospital if it’s time.” I wish i had walked out the door and let him miss it, sure seems like he didn’t even wanna be there. I have heard a lot of pregnancy stories, and I for one, had it easy. I went in at 4:30 am and had her by noon, with no complications. And while in the state I was in I sure would have liked to sleep, but here I’m looking over and he’s sleeping on the cot. Not enduring this with me, sleeping up to the very last moment. Just feels like the majority of these moments I look back and he wasn’t there. I thought the first couple years were good with the three of us, but I keep remembering things. Within the first year and a half of having her, I remember getting into an fight, and I remember him throwing a chair and being so afraid every time he would come near me. I’m pretty passive, until someone comes at me all aggressive. Honestly, this isn’t even the worst. Well, I’m not going to lie, in the first year or two with my daughter I spent a lot of nights going out to the bar, and he was pretty good about staying home with her, I mean even if he was just gunna sit and play video games all night anyways. I loved the bar. I loved the music, the way I felt so free and so good. Unfortunately, it got out of control. Maybe it had been so long since I felt the sparks of someone just simply touching a shoulder. A touch that didn't make me cringe, and I will tell you, if it makes you

cringe, I swear to god, go with your gut. Anyways, so I ended up way to drunk, and I ended up making out with the wrong guy. I remember feeling so good but so bad. I have a pretty good conscience, so I came clean. And boy did I eat shit. Well deserved I know, I crossed a line, maybe broke him, I'm not sure. I have never been more sorry in my life. And from that day on I basically quit drinking, we split up, kind of. I wanted that attachment so at this point I was basically willing to do whatever it took to get him back. To get him to see that I could change and i could be better. After a few months of doing these things I absolutely hated doing, he left and called me name after name after name. Letting me in just enough to get the good feels, then shoving my down in the ditch to drown, because for all i knew, that's what i deserved after what i did. 6 months apart, he’s living in Edmonton with his brother, unfortunately his brother was quite a mess at times too. Couldn't hold up his end, the bills were too much and my ex, well he needed help. So, he finally decided to let me back in. I remember the day we drove to Edmonton, it was February 2014, it was still winter and the winds were so bad, my mom didn't even wanna drive. It was like sign after sign after sign. The winds were like 100km winds, semi’s were blowing off the roads, and yet, I went. It was fine for a while, the three of us all living in one room, until one night my ex is at work, and his brother gets wasted and just starts getting so mad, clearly I just don't deal with aggression well. My ex came home and we ended up having to leave cuz his brother was on house arrest. He lost his job too for leaving to deal with our family crisis. We ended up grabbing everything we could from this place, losing a lot because all we could take was what we could take on the train with us. We managed to find another place, again all three of us living in one room sharing a house with a few Filipino people, they were pretty cool. The fighting never dulled or stopped. It was always something. I remember once being shown a Facebook account, with a Latino name and being assured that i had a fake Facebook account. The only thing was, it wasn't me. I will tell you another thing, a really shitty feeling, is when you're defending yourself persistently for something you didn't even do. Being told over and over again that your wrong when you know you're right. Being told I cheated with someone I never had. The landlord ended up selling the place so we found some roommates to move in with, another couple who had kids. These people were, intense to say lightly. Some what the same though, She couldn't leave without being harassed to come back home and deal with the kids. At this point I couldn't even see my best friend, because she had guys with her. I remember her coming to town and asking me to go to Red’s or something, and it was just such a fight to let me go. Are there guys? He didn't want me to go, and i remember swearing up and down that it wasn't his fault that I wouldn't go. He eventually did let me go, but when i came home it was assumptions and accusations. Seems like after this point every time i left the house, to go to work, to anything, I always walked back in to assumptions and accusations. I remember getting phone calls at work, with him screaming at me, and my coworkers just looking at me like I'm fucked. I wish I knew why I put up with it all. At this point I've probably been solely providing for my family for at least 4 years, since he lost that job. It was so hard to make ends meet with 13 dollars an hour and i just wore myself out. Sadly those were the days, i would ask my boss if i could stay longer, just so I didn't have to go home. This is where things really took a turn, because it wasn't just things I was doing anymore. Now its things someone else is doing, some stranger logging into his games and apps with convenient names to harass and make him feel bad. Which, I don’t know, I still to this day see as coincidences. Maybe I was wrong for not supporting him, I

honestly didn't know how. After all the times, I honestly felt like I would be lying if I said I believed it, and I had no one to talk to. I had already lost touch with reality. One day, the fight got so bad, I will never forget this day, it severely haunts me, and I pray I never get treated this way again. I don't even remember what we were fighting about, but it was bad, there were things thrown everywhere, glass smashed all over the place, my favorite things all broken. I remember standing in the kitchen while he picked up the weeks worth of garbage in the can and dumped it on me, and called me trash. And people wonder why I have no self worth, because I dealt with shit like this for too long. I broke. After the trash it was bong water, all over my Chili Peppers shirt stained with resin for life. I remember this was close to my daughters birthday. I was making her a cake and he threw that everywhere. I still have the video of the way the house looked. Whore, cunt, bitch, stupid. I pray that no one ever gets put down in this way. And fuck me, I still went back to him. Still allowed him another chance for what I don't know. With my mom and my best friend telling to leave, I justified it. Relationships are hard they take work, but hun not this much. Her birthday comes and he sits in his room the whole day. I don't remember the fight after that, the only thing I do remember was my daughter and niece in the living room probably only 4 and5 and he picked up my PlayStation and just threw it flat down right in front of them, and they looked so scared. At this point I’m yelling at him to get the fuck out. Do something to me that's one thing, I can take it a lot better than those poor little kids, whom had done nothing. As he was walking up the stairs I said his name and he turned around. I punched him in the face, and that was the first time I had ever hit anyone in the face ever. Its weird, I get to a point where I've had enough but then I'm okay and decide I guess I can handle a little more I don't know maybe it will be better, they say things get better… they didn't. I think it was 2017 when he finally moved back to our old town. Not long after I followed, I guess I just couldn't give myself the time to find something better, someone better. Ended up moving back in with him. This time, was the last time. This argument was horrid. Not as bad as having bong water and garbage dumped on you, but words have a way of sticking in the brain. Another fight i don't remember at all what I did, but I remember sitting on the deck begging my friend to come get me, when he throws a bag of roast beef sandwich meat at me and says my cunt smells. This guy has torn me down in every way possible. I honestly don't even have a clue as to how to rebuild myself. I wanted to leave the meat behind on the bed, with a note “ For when you start to miss me” I wish I had, but I guess I just didn't want to sink that low. I didn't realize how low I was already sinking. When he wanted sex that was it, he was either gunna belittle me until I just laid there and took it or he’d go watch porn and grope me while I tried to ignore it all. Honestly this is my biggest pain. I never want to feel what that feels like ever again. Lets be clear, he never once actually hit me, before he had pushed the back of the rocking chair and basically thrown me out of it, and this last time, he put his hand on my face and he shoved me. And I don't know why, but that's when I really broke. I walked out that door and never came back. We tried to be friends later, but it was too hard. He would try to kiss me and honestly cringe, to having to turn away to block a kiss u don't want. I so nicely explained how hard we tried and that we just had to let go. Spent a few months doing a lot of molly together. Before I realized I was sinking again, this time to molly. She felt so good. Gave me that feeling I wanted. Peace in my heart. No worries. No anger. Nothing. Peace. Just over two years separated and I honestly hope he leaves our lives and doesn't come back. I am sorry, that he misses

out on his kid, but I cannot fathom the idea of her going through the same tragedies I have. Today, I have anxiety, severe depression, mostly likely BPD, 60% of the time I feel like I'm drowning, or wish I was. I cant work, I hate going out for fear of people thinking and seeing me the way he did. All of those things he said have shaped the way I see myself and its so sad. One day, I hope I find my worth. And you, remember to love yourself more than anything else. I didn’t and it destroyed me. I had all the chances in the world to turn my life around, don’t miss yours.

[charliefromtheuniverse]

The Story of “SAVE ME”

Save Me is a 15-episode webtoon that BigHit released in April 2019. The webtoon was announced on a Twitter account called Smeraldo Books and is currently available for free on the Naver webtoon app and website.  

The HYYH story of the Bangtan Universe features seven main characters, one that takes the name of each BTS member. Even though we’ve got all seven as main characters, the HYYH storyline does focus a bit more on Seokjin’s character as the protagonist. This webtoon follows him and his actions, and he’s the only character we have real insight into here.  

Save Me is set in Year 22, after the backstory established in the HYYH Notes leading up to April 11th of that year. There are more HYYH Notes that take place after Save Me, so it falls somewhere in the middle, during some of the rising action. This follows the trend of BTS’s content often being released in media res, or in the middle, rather than from the beginning.  

That being said, reading Save Me on its own prior to dealing with the mammoth that is the HYYH Notes can be beneficial, as it does contain story that introduces some really important events that become a central focus of the overall narrative.  

Save Me tells the original story of the HYYH timeline that takes place in Year 22 before Seokjin enters the time loop. We know the HYYH storyline actually starts in Year 9, (see Note from HYYH Book 1 dated in October Year 9). This Note is from when Seokjin is a child—the Year corresponds to Seokjin’s age. The later Notes follow the seven characters sporadically throughout the following years, ending (for now) in Year 22. If we assume that the real-world age differences between the Bangtan members were carried over to their characters, then we can figure out the age of any character for any give Note.

Leading up to Year 22, we have HYYH Note entries from all the characters that establish their individual backstories as well as the group meeting each other and then falling apart. There are definitely important events mentioned in these Notes, so I explain some of the relevant backstory where needed in the summary below.  

Though there is backstory before Save Me, this webtoon provides the original course of events; as in, this is what happened to this group of friends after they went their separate ways, before Seokjin interferes. The Save Me logo contains a zero, and the HYYH Notes book contains a one, which indicates that Save Me happens before some of the content of the HYYH Notes. There are some crossovers with what happens in Save Me and what happens in the Notes, since Seokjin re-lives certain days many times.  

Below is a summary of each episode, and there’s a brief discussion at the end.

Summary of the Episodes

In the prologue, Taehyung is backing away from a broken bottle with blood on his hands. Namjoon sits in jail with a lollipop which he drops to the floor, and Jungkook is walking along the edge of a rooftop. We see Hoseok fall down the stairs while in a hospital gown and Yoongi in a room that's on fire. Jimin sits alone in a hospital room, hooked up to an IV. Seokjin stands in front of a window with white shades, which he opens and sees himself reflected in the window. These are all images we’ve seen in the “I Need U” music video and Seokjin’s short film titled “Awake.”  

Episode 1

Seokjin sits on an airplane from L.A. to Incheon. He later wakes up in the room with the window. He says it's been two years, and though he hasn't been away for all that long, he doesn't feel at home. He leaves the house. In the next scene, he's driving in his truck, and we know it's April 11th from the radio report. He drives past the school, which he hasn't been back to since high school, and he sees Jungkook standing in the crowd of students that are about to cross the street.  

There's a flashback to when they were all in school together. A teacher fusses at them for being lazy and gives them all detention. We see the storage classroom, which became their hideout. There's a scene of them enjoying their time together in that classroom. In the HYYH Notes text, we learn how important this room became to them.  

In the present, cars are honking at Seokjin to go, and he drives away. At a gas station while he's getting his gas pumped, Seokjin sees Namjoon working on a different car. He looks at him in his mirror but doesn't talk to him.  

Next, Seokjin is in his room, reading a red book. The main reason I mention this here is because in the HYYH Notes from later in Year 22, Seokjin picks up a red diary that a girl drops. I don’t think this has any correlation, since this happens in April of the same year.  

Later, he seems to have a dream where he's floating in water and all of the other guys are ahead of him with their eyes closed. Seokjin reaches out his hand to them, but then he wakes up. It's May 22nd now, and he wonders how they are and whether he should have walked up to them previously.  

Seokjin leaves and goes to the gas station where Namjoon works and asks for him. The other worker tells him Namjoon isn't there and is currently locked up. A news report is seen on the TV in the background that reads "A high school student arrested for killing his father." From the HYYH Notes, we know this is referring to Taehyung rather than Namjoon.  

Seokjin goes to visit Namjoon. He offers to help if there’s something he can do, but Namjoon tells him there’s nothing to do. He says the person he beat up berated him for being poor. We get a flashback to Namjoon working at the gas station, where a rude customer yells at him for bumping into the mirror of his expensive car. The money the customer had tried to give him for the gas ends up on the ground, and the customer demands it back. He insults Namjoon and Namjoon responds by slamming the man onto his car. They go to the police station to file a report and the officer comments that the man isn't even really that injured and they should just settle. The rude guy laughs and asks if Namjoon can afford a settlement. Namjoon refuses to settle, so he ends up in jail. Seokjin recalls that it happened on April 11th, the day he saw him at the gas station and didn't speak to him. Namjoon tells him it was bound to happen since he's broke, so Seokjin should just leave him there.  

Seokjin asks about the others, but Namjoon says he doesn’t keep in touch. Then, Namjoon drops the real bombshell: Jungkook is dead, and so is Yoongi. Hoseok is in the hospital after a bad accident. He says he doesn't know what happened to Taehyung or Jimin. Seokjin is visibly shaken, but he's asked to leave as visiting time is over.  

Walking outside, Seokjin wonders if Namjoon would have not ended up in jail if he had just spoken to him at the gas station that night. He sees a crowd of reporters shouting at someone, asking if they really murdered their father. Seokjin realizes it's Taehyung, walking in a line of criminals with rope tied around his wrists and body. He calls out to him. Taehyung turns around to look at him. Of course, there’s nothing he can do.  

In the next scene, Seokjin is alone at the beach as he recalls them all being together and happy at the beach. He says they used to be happy just being together, but now everyone is miserable. He wonders if any of them were happy since they split up. As he sits on the beach clearly upset, a white cat appears and seems to speak. "If you could turn back time, do you believe you can straighten out the errors and mistakes and save everyone?" it says. This text appears graphically different than other speech bubbles—it’s stylized and blue. Seokjin looks at the cat and wonders if he's seeing things, but he says that he'd do anything to fix all the mistakes and make everyone happy.  

There's a graphic effect like a mirror shattering, and Seokjin wakes up in his room. He thinks he had a dream, but the date on his phone shows April 11th. As we’ll see going forward, this effect is employed each time Seokjin fails and gets sent back in time.  

Episode 2

The first scene opens at the gas station where Seokjin sees Namjoon but doesn't approach him. As he drives off, Seokjin says he should have said hi to Namjoon. Suddenly, there's a loud thud and Seokjin's truck screeches to a stop. A body has fallen on top of the hood, and he recognizes that it's Jungkook. He's clearly dead, and Seokjin starts to panic inside his car. Someone asks him to step out of the car to see if he's okay, and everything starts to go blurry. The shattering effect appears again, and Seokjin wakes up in his room, thinking he had a dream, but he doesn't remember the details.  

Seokjin looks at the photo of himself and his friends, dated June 12th from when they were together in high school at the beach (cross-reference: HYYH Note Book 1, Jungkook entry dated June 12 Year 19). He says he misses them and wonders how they are, and he notes that something feels strange.  

Seokjin leaves and drives near the school, hearing the same traffic report as we saw in Episode 1. It's April 11th again. Seokjin sees Jungkook walking with other students, and his heart starts racing like it did when Jungkook's body landed on his car in his "dream." He wonders why that's happening, and the cars behind him begin to honk at him to move, so he drives off.  

At the gas station, Seokjin leaves without speaking to Namjoon again. As he drives away, he notices he feels like he's forgetting something important. He stops near a convenience store where a cop car passes by and he starts walking down the sidewalk. Suddenly, Jungkook falls to the pavement behind him, and Seokjin turns around to see him dead again. Everything shatters.  

Another speech bubble that resembles the one that appeared next to the cat appears now in a different color. It reads: "Am I too late? You could've been the one I was looking for. If you've already sealed the pact, open up your eyes and see straight." Seokjin gets up and shouts "Who are you?" at the voice. The unique speech bubbles appear again and read: "This is the world you have to live in and the fate you must go through. You won't make it out here alone in this entangled destiny. Here's how to remember the loop. Once you open your eyes..." Everything shatters again and Seokjin seems to recall memories of everything up to this point: Namjoon in jail, Taehyung being arrested, and Jungkook dying. He also recalls the first time a voice spoke to him (which appeared in blue text instead of yellow). Seokjin stands in his room, trying to process what's happening. He doesn't have a clue, but notes that the voice was different from last time. Then he realizes that the days seem to be repeating themselves.  

Episode 3

The scene opens where Episode 2 left off, and Seokjin realizes he's gone back in time. He gets in his truck and notes that it's April 11th again. There are some scenes showing Taehyung drawing graffiti, Hoseok working in a fast food restaurant, Yoongi playing the piano, Jimin sitting alone in a hospital room, and Jungkook sitting at his desk in school. Seokjin wonders if he can make everything right.  

At the gas station, Seokjin greets Namjoon this time (cross-reference: scene from the end of the “Blood, Sweat, and Tears” Japanese music video.) Seokjin tells Namjoon he just got back to Korea, and then Namjoon has to go help another customer. Seokjin watches the rude customer yell at Namjoon and throw money at him. Seokjin steps in and picks up the money, handing it back to the jerk and telling him to leave. He prevents Namjoon from punching the guy and the guy finally leaves (cross-reference: HYYH Notes from ANSWER, Seokjin entry dated 11 April Year 22). Namjoon awkwardly thanks Seokjin and asks him why he's there. Seokjin thinks back to Jungkook jumping off the roof and knows he has to find him before the end of the day. Seokjin asks Namjoon if he keeps in touch with Jungkook, but Namjoon says no. Seokjin rushes, saying he doesn't have time and must find him now. Namjoon asks if he's in trouble, but Seokjin says there's no time to explain now. Namjoon tries again, but Seokjin tells him that one day they'll all be together again and that they should go to the beach when that happens. Seokjin hurries off and Namjoon stands there confused.  

Seokjin goes to Jungkook's house to ask where he is. The voice over the doorbell says that he should still be at school and won't be home until after 10pm. He goes to the school and asks the teacher, but he isn't there. Seokjin doesn't know where to go, but he remembers the building, so he tries to go there.  

Namjoon is walking around when he spots Jungkook by chance. He calls out to him, but he can't cross the street until the light changes. When he crosses, Jungkook is nowhere to be seen.  

Seokjin is in the vicinity of the building he thinks Jungkook is at. He recognizes the convenience store and the police car. He sees a crane and thinks he has the right building, so he rushes up to the roof, but Jungkook isn't there. He wonders if he can really trust his memories.

Episode 4

Jungkook walks alone and brushes past some punks on the street. They call out to him, and he just keeps walking. They go after him and beat him up (cross-reference: seen in “I Need U” and HYYH Note from HER, Jungkook entry dated 11 April Year 22).  

Seokjin recalls his memory and realizes it isn't the right building. On another building, Jungkook climbs up on the ledge (cross-reference: “Euphoria” music video, HYYH Notes from ANSWER and HER, Jungkook entries dated 11 April Year 22). Someone calls out to him before he can jump.  

Namjoon is yelling at him from the street below, telling him not to move. Jungkook stumbles and starts to fall, but Seokjin catches him. Seokjin tells him he's been looking for him all day and asks him what he was doing out here alone. That triggers a memory for Jungkook where his mother fusses at him, asking him where he had been all day and telling him not to worry his father (cross-reference: seen in HYYH Note from HER, Jungkook entry dated 11 April Year 22, where we learn a bit of Jungkook’s family background).

Seokjin asks again why Jungkook was up there, and Jungkook tells him no reason. Namjoon comes running up to the roof to where they stand. At that moment, Jungkook’s cell phone rings and we can see that it's Yoongi. The scene cuts to Yoongi's phone, which shows several unanswered calls to Jungkook. He's flicking a lighter on and off as he sits in a motel room (cross-reference: “I Need U” music video). In his mind, he sees a burning piano and himself as a young boy.  

Episode 5

We pick back up with Seokjin asking Jungkook why he was on the roof. Jungkook brushes it off. Namjoon asks what happened to his face, and he lies and says he bumped into a wall. Namjoon knows it's a lie, but Seokjin gives him a look that say not to push it. Seokjin asks Jungkook if his parents wouldn't be worried that he's out late, but he doesn't respond. His phone rings, and it's Yoongi.  

In the next scene, Jungkook, Seokjin, and Namjoon rush into the emergency room, so it seems that someone call Jungkook's number from Yoongi's phone since it was the last number dialed. They watch as doctors work on Yoongi, who has burn marks and an oxygen mask. Yoongi starts to code and the doctors try to shock him back to life, but he flatlines. As they watch him die, everything shatters again and Seokjin wakes up in his room with tears in his eyes. He leaves his home again.  

We're back at the scene where Jungkook is about to get beaten up by the punks on the street, but before he can, Seokjin grabs him by the hood and pulls him into an alley. Seokjin tells Jungkook and Namjoon to stay there, and they're both confused as to what's happening, and Jungkook is confused as to where Seokjin came from. Seokjin runs off and Jungkook asks Namjoon why he's there, and Namjoon says he was dragged there too. Namjoon asks if Jungkook keeps in contact with Yoongi. Suddenly, Namjoon gets a call from someone, saying something about police.  

Seokjin ends up at a motel, asking if Yoongi is there. The woman working the front won't give out guest information, but when Seokjin tells her he might set fire to the building, she suddenly pays attention.

Namjoon and Jungkook go to the police station, where Namjoon grumbles that Seokjin left them and they don't know where he is. Namjoon turns to Taehyung, who they had gone to the police station to pick up, and asks him if he has kept in touch with Yoongi since Seokjin was looking for him. Taehyung says he's seen Yoongi in his dreams. A group of policemen rush by, saying a suspected arsonist is at large.

Episode 6

Seokjin and the woman from the motel are watching security footage, trying to find Yoongi. Seokjin thinks they found him on the tape, but the guy turns around and it's not him. He looks out the window across the street and sees fire coming from a different motel. Everything shatters again.

Seokjin re-lives April 11th again, this time stopping the first time he sees Jungkook at the crosswalk at the school. He immediately asks if he keeps in contact with Yoongi. Jungkook is surprised but Seokjin is in a hurry so he presses him. Jungkook recalls the last time he heard from Yoongi, where Yoongi seems to be lying down depressed. In that memory, he tells Jungkook to get lost. Jungkook doesn't tell Seokjin any of this. Jungkook admits that he's seen Yoongi.  

Seokjin puts Jungkook in the car with himself and Namjoon, and Taehyung is also there. They drive to the part of town where Jungkook saw him last, and Taehyung interjects that this isn't where he saw Yoongi. Namjoon points out that Taehyung only saw him in a dream. As Seokjin wonders why Yoongi's location keeps changing each time when Namjoon and Jungkook's location doesn't, a truck skids on the road in front of them and Seokjin can't stop in time. He hits it head on, and it appears that the others are either severely injured or dead. Seokjin seems to be barely conscious as he thinks that it's his fault. He says that the future keeps changing because he keeps making changes in the past. Everything shatters again.

Seokjin is in his room again, this time drawing a map and trying to strategize how to save everyone. He plans it out exactly, thinking that if he does it just right, he can save everyone.  

In the next scene, Seokjin has saved Jungkook and had him call Yoongi. Yoongi is at a restaurant drinking. He answers, and Seokjin asks him where he is. Yoongi hangs up and ignores other calls. Yoongi seems to recall his father yelling at him about music and the piano, saying that he's like his mom and that if he wants to kill himself the same way she did, then go ahead. Yoongi ends up back at the motel with his lighter. He lights a piece of composition paper on fire and drops it onto some spilled alcohol, causing a fire to start.  

Episode 7

There's a flashback to Yoongi playing the piano in high school in the storage classroom. Jungkook comes in and puts a couple of desks together so he can lie down and listen (cross-reference: HYYH Note from HER, Jungkook entry dated 25 June Year 20). A teacher comes in and finds them, and he slaps Jungkook, knocking him down. Yoongi steps in between the teacher and Jungkook. After this, there's a notice of expulsion for Yoongi posted. It's marked June 25th.  

Seokjin sees smoke coming out of a motel that he's driving by, so he stops there and runs to Yoongi's room. He pounds on the door and when no one answers, he gets the fire axe and busts the door open. He carries Yoongi out who seems to faintly recognize that it's Seokjin.

At the hospital, Seokjin waits for Yoongi to wake up, hoping that everything is fixed now. When he wakes up, Yoongi blames Seokjin for not letting him die. He asks him why he saved him. Seokjin realizes that he thought he had saved him, but it wasn't enough.  

A month later on May 11th, Taehyung is drawing graffiti when the police spot him and he begins to run. He ends up at Namjoon's container house and goes inside. Namjoon asks him what he did this time, and they hear the police looking for him outside. Taehyung asks if he can stay the night.  

Episode 8

Taehyung has a dream that he's submerged in water, much like Seokjin had in the beginning. He sees Jimin and tries to reach for him, but Jimin is being pulled down by an unknown hand. Taehyung wakes up in Namjoon's container and asks him where he thinks Jimin is.  

In the next scene, Jimin is sitting alone in the hospital. A little kid asks him why he's there and then suddenly collapses. Jimin calls for help, but Hoseok, who was in the next bed, says that it's okay. He says the boy fell asleep like he does because he’s narcoleptic. Hoseok is in the hospital because he fell outside by himself and smacked his head, from the supposed narcolepsy he’s had since he was young (cross-reference: HYYH Note from Persona, Hoseok entry dated 10 May Year 22).

Hoseok recalls that they saw each other last two years ago, when Jimin had a seizure at the bus stop. Jimin says he doesn't know how long he's been here because his clock stopped ticking (cross-references with “Run” music video and HYYH Notes from ANSWER and the HYYH Book, Hoseok entry dated 12 May Year 22 and Jimin entry dated 11 May Year 22).  

In the next scene, Jimin overflows a sink with water and puts his head in. It's not clear what he's doing. He seems to recall the Flower Arboretum sign, blood spatter on the floor, and himself as a child running away. He gets scared and struggles, and we see the scene of him submerged in water being pulled down by an unknown person. Jimin snaps out of it and takes his head out of the sink.  

Taehyung and Namjoon walk down the train tracks and Taehyung tells him that he's been having a weird dream. He says he sees Yoongi trapped inside a fire and Jimin drowning in water. Namjoon tells him it's nonsense and asks if he wants to go see Hoseok. He perks up at that and runs ahead. As he does do, Namjoon sees bruises on the back of Taehyung's neck.  

Namjoon and Taehyung go to Two Star Burger where Hoseok works, but they tell them he's in the hospital. They go to the hospital to look for him.  

While walking down the hall, Hoseok overhears some of the medical staff talking about Jimin, overhearing that Jimin's parents forced him to be hospitalized.  

The medical staff walk down the stairs, and further down, we see Seokjin waiting.  

Episode 9

Seokjin thinks back to when Yoongi asked him why didn’t he just let him die. He apologized to him and asked him if he could turn back time, would he go back to when they met and change anything. Yoongi just tells him to leave. Seokjin leaves while contemplating if he can really save Yoongi, since he saved him against his will. He thinks that there may be no point, but even so, he can’t give up.  

Seokjin goes to find Yoongi in the hospital, but they tell him Yoongi was discharged last month.  

In the next scene, Yoongi is with Namjoon, Taehyung, and Jungkook at the hospital. Hoseok is in Jimin’s room and receives a phone call. He asks Jimin if he wants to see the others, but Jimin refuses. Hoseok goes to see the others alone, and Taehyung asks if he keeps in touch with Jimin because he’s been thinking about him. Hoseok doesn’t answer.  

Namjoon runs into Seokjin in the hallway and asks if he’s there to see Hoseok—Seokjin hadn’t known Hoseok was there.  

The next day, Hoseok thinks he sees a woman who looks like his mom. He starts to slip down the stairs. The scene cuts to Seokjin running into Jimin at the hospital. Medical staff rush through the area with an injured patient, and Seokjin sees Hoseok lying on the gurney with a very injured ankle. Everything begins to shatter again.  

Episode 10

Seokjin wakes up again on April 11th. He is still determined to fix everything. He tapes the photo they took at the beach on June 12 to his rearview mirror and puts sticky notes of the guys and their locations on the dash of his truck. He checks off Namjoon and Jungkook, leading us to believe he saved them again.  

On May 10th, he goes to the bridge Hoseok is going to fall on. He catches him, puts him in the truck, and drives off. Hoseok wakes up, surprised to see him. He takes his medication and there’s not much else he can do. Seokjin asks if he knows what’s causing the narcolepsy, and Hoseok doesn’t answer. Hoseok has to go to work, but before he gets out of the truck, he notices the sticky notes on Seokjin’s dash. He asks what it is, but Seokjin won’t tell him. At work, Hoseok wonders what’s going on.  

Later, Hoseok meets up with Namjoon and tells him how Seokjin showed up at the right time. It happened to Namjoon too, and he feels like something is off. Hoseok gets on a scooter and Namjoon warns him that they’re dangerous (cross-reference: HYYH Note from Book 1, Namjoon entry dated 17 December Year 21, where Namjoon previously slid on a scooter and another young boy in the village died from a scooter accident).  

As if it were foreshadowing, Hoseok nearly gets into a wreck on the scooter when he cuts across traffic to try and catch up to Seokjin’s truck. He had sent him a text, but Seokjin hadn’t responded yet. This leads into the beginning of Episode 11.  

Episode 11

Hoseok barely avoids being hit by a car. As Seokjin drives down the road, he sees Yoongi walking. Yoongi goes to a motel with his lighter, and we see him light some music on fire.  

Hoseok eats at a convenience store, wondering why Seokjin hasn’t answered him. He sees Seokjin drive by, so he rushes out of the store to follow him. He sees Seokjin carrying Yoongi out of a burning motel. They rush Yoongi to the hospital and as the doctors tend to him, Hoseok recalls the sticky notes. Hoseok asks Seokjin if he knew it was going to happen. He continues to question him, but Seokjin tells him he can’t explain right now. Hoseok goes to the lobby to wait.  

Hoseok thinks he sees Jimin in the hospital, but it turns out not to be him. He nearly slips on the stairs, and Jimin shows up behind him to stop him from falling. They sit down to talk and Hoseok realizes that Jimin has been there ever since he had a seizure at the bus stop. Hoseok recalls being abandoned by his mom as a child and says he knows what it feels like to feel stuck in time. Hoseok asks Jimin if he wants to get out of the hospital, and Jimin struggles to answer.  

Episode 12

Namjoon gets a call at night from Hoseok, who yells into the phone that something is definitely going on. Taehyung is there with Namjoon.  

Seokjin sits at Yoongi’s bedside and says he doesn’t remember how many times he’s been through this. But, he still says he won’t stop trying. Seokjin runs up the stairs to find Jimin but is met with Namjoon, Hoseok, and Taehyung all coming down the stairs with Jimin. They’re there to break Jimin out, but Seokjin worries that this time loop will fail and he doesn’t know what would happen if they break Jimin out. He’s worried about a bigger accident. Seokjin blocks their path. Taehyung argues with him, and Seokjin thinks about how he hasn’t seen Jimin’s final moments and doesn’t even know why he’s in the hospital. Hoseok tells Seokjin how Jimin is there because his parents locked him up for two years. Seokjin relents and tells Jimin it’s his decision.  

Jimin flashes back to his mother leaving him in the hospital because she can’t handle him. Jimin seems to envision a black substance around his feet, which he attempts to scratch off in a tub full of water, appearing to even damage his skin with the force of his scratches. Next, Jimin is submerged in water again, and he recalls the Flower Arboretum and the blood spatter. He sees the black substance dripping off his body and then flashes back to the present, where he sees it around his feet again. He tells them he wants to get out.  

They make a run for it, but they run into Jimin’s mother. She makes him go back to his room and asks if those were the kids from high school. They fight about Jimin’s hospital stay and Jimin yells that locking him up isn’t right and that she’s just embarrassed of him. His mother slaps him and blames him for his seizures. She complains that he puts her and his father through hell. Jimin cries, alone in his room, noting that in the two years he’s been there, today was the first day he had visitors.  

On May 12th, Seokjin sits at the hospital when he hears medical staff yelling for Jimin. He’s locked himself in the bathroom, and they pry open the door. Seokjin bursts in to find Jimin in a tub full of water, likely attempting to drown. He goes to pull him out.  

Episode 13

Seokjin shakes Jimin who is still alive and wonders how much pain he has to go through and if he can save them. Jimin asks Seokjin to get him out, and Seokjin runs with him and puts him in the truck. While they drive, Jimin sees the Flower Arboretum sign and freaks out, jumping out of the car and running into a construction zone. Seokjin wakes up again on April 11th. The white cat is in Seokjin’s room.  

Seokjin doubts that he’s able to save everyone, even though he thought he could. He sits in his room all day, upset at his inability to save the others. Since he does nothing, April 11th starts over again.  

This time, Taehyung shows up at Seokjin’s door. Seokjin is confused, and Taehyung says he saw Seokjin in his dream but he’s surprised to actually find him at home. That gives Seokjin the strength to carry on. Seokjin acknowledges that if he does nothing, the cycle won’t end.  

After a cut, Seokjin shows up at Namjoon’s container with Jimin, and the other guys are all there too. Namjoon offers to let Jimin stay there until he’s ready to go back home. It seems that Seokjin succeeded, and he says they should go to the beach.  

Episode 14

All of the guys play around with sparklers, happy while spending time together. On May 20th, Taehyung comes out of the police department and walks home, not wanting to go in. Taehyung walks in to his dad in a rage, yelling at him and slapping his sister. He flashes back to the past where he was a child and his sister (or possibly mother) tells him to hide in his room when his father is beating her. Not able to watch or take the abuse any longer, Taehyung takes an alcohol bottle and runs at his father. In the next scene, Taehyung cries as he looks at the blood on his hands and clothes (cross-reference: “Prologue” video).  

Elsewhere, Namjoon and Seokjin talk about Jimin looking happier now. Seokjin asks about Taehyung, and Namjoon says he missed his call and tried to call back, Taehyung didn’t answer. Namjoon recalls the bruises on Taehyung and how he tends to hide his personal life. The episode ends with Hoseok pulling up to where Namjoon and Seokjin are, saying that something happened with Taehyung.  

Episode 15

The final episode opens with Seokjin rushing to the police station where there’s a crowd of media around Taehyung, just like in the beginning. They’re asking him why he murdered his father and why he didn’t speak up about the abuse sooner. Seokjin pushes through the crowd and calls out to Taehyung, and everything shatters again.  

Seokjin wakes up in his room again, realizing that he got careless and wasn’t able to save Taehyung. He’s determined not to fail this time.  

Fast forward to May 20th, and Taehyung is coming out of the police station. He meets Seokjin outside. In the truck, Seokjin asks what’s happening at home and Taehyung won’t answer. Seokjin doesn’t force him to talk and instead tells him to talk when he’s ready. Taehyung says there’s something he wants to talk about and tells Seokjin he’s been having a strange dream where Yoongi is trapped in a fire, Jungkook falls from a building, Hoseok has an accident, and Namjoon is in prison. He says he has the dream every night and Seokjin wonders how he knows these things. Taehyung says he’s in the dream, but he can’t remember what happens to himself. Seokjin’s alarmed.  

Seokjin drops Taehyung off at his house, and they can hear his dad yelling from outside. Taehyung runs off and Seokjin follows. Taehyung hits his father with the alcohol bottle and is about to stab him with the broken bottle when Seokjin bursts in. He grabs Taehyung and tries to stop him, but Taehyung pushes him off. Seokjin tries again, and Taehyung accidentally stabs Seokjin with the bottle instead. Taehyung begins to cry, and as he’s dying Seokjin wonders if he’s succeeded this time or if he’ll really die. Everything shatters again.  

Seokjin wakes up, and it’s April 11th. He recalls the words spoken to him: “You won’t make it out here alone… in this entangled destiny.” He realizes he can’t do it on his own, no matter how many times he tries. The webtoon ends with him looking at the photo they took on June 12th at the beach and the words “Once again, just like before, together with you all.”  

Discussion

Even though Save Me was released after some of the HYYH Notes, since it has that zero in the logo, it best fits as the first string of events that take place in Year 22. Basically every note we have prior to April 11th in Year 22 is static—that story doesn’t change. In the webtoon and the notes, we get multiple repeat days as Seokjin tries to save them all.

Time loops in narratives often operate on the idea that the character or characters involved will gain some sort of knowledge that will eventually allow them to get out of the loop. We definitely see that with Seokjin here, and Taehyung does have dreams that are actually true memories from previous iterations of the timeline. He has even more of those dreams in the HYYH Notes, and some of the notes lead me to believe that Taehyung eventually starts to figure it out. It’s possible that this story won’t be fully resolved until they all work together to fix it.

The Butterfly Effect also seems to be at play here because sometimes when Seokjin alters the past, it changes the future events, sometimes leading to character deaths. For example, when he gets several of them in the car to save them, but he ends up wrecking and killing them anyway. He quickly learns he can’t know what will happen from his change in actions—he could end up saving everyone or end up starting over on April 11th again.

We also know that Seokjin can’t die. He dies at the end when Taehyung stabs him, but that just takes him back to April 11th, so he has to survive too. Back before we had so much information on this story, some theorized that Seokjin might need to die in order to save the others, but we know that won’t work either. His death won’t bring about a resolution.

We still don’t know much about the white cat or how the time loop really works. Time travel is logically impossible, but it’s often used in science fiction or fantasy to create interesting “what if” situations—since it’s widely used in various ways, it’s possible that the BigHit creative team has made up their own rules surrounding this time loop and the white cat for example. We can’t really know until we get the full story. Some previously thought the white cat was a kitsune/gumiho, but it’s been confirmed to be a cat, based on the release of the HYYH Art Toys on Bighit’s merch app Weply.

I do not think we're dealing with parallel universes or anything related to the many worlds theory. I've not seen anything to indicate that this is anything other than a time loop used as a narrative device.

I think it’s also interesting that we see a little bit of something called the Novikov self-consistency principle. This principle basically states that the past cannot be altered, so even if someone goes back in time, they can’t change the outcome of events. Sometimes this principal is applied in fiction—stories that use this principle often have characters who try to go back in time to change something but either fail or end up causing the event to happen that they’re trying to prevent. An example of this is the fatal car crash that occurs when Seokjin tries to gather up some of his friends—he tries to prevent their deaths only to cause them. Even though we may see this principle sometimes, I don’t think it’s end-game. I do believe we’ll eventually get a resolution that doesn’t involve the characters ending up dead or miserable.

September 3, 2019

[grannygerd]

I’m Lynn from PVRIS! AMA

I’m Lynn from PVRIS. We just put out our new album Use Me which you can listen to HERE. This Saturday, we’re going to be playing our first album White Noise front to back in its entirety for the first time ever. You can get tickets for the live stream HERE.

Proof: https://imgur.com/9K4IgJf

DieDunkleFritte: Hey Lynn, would you rather have really small hands or really small feet? Best regards from germany :D pvrisofficial: Feet!!! Need normal sized hands to play instruments! haha

Nikkiestables: Lynn!!! I was in the US for my exchange and was going to FINALLY see you in person but I couldn’t:( do you think in the future you would tour Asia? Which parts would you like to explore? (Please say Hong Kong) pvrisofficial: We'd love to tour Asia more! We've loved the places we've been in Japan, Singapore, & South Korea so far! Would love to add Hong Kong!

ShadeOfNothing: Hey Lynn! I’ve been a PVRIS fan Since White Noise and I’ve loved seeing the band’s sound evolve through the years. I know you’re a huge believer in astrology, past lives, and the paranormal, so I was wondering if there were any crazy experiences you had witnessed or drew inspiration from while writing/producing Use Me. Thanks so much! pvrisofficial: yessssssss I am a nut. I didnt make Use Me in a haunted church this time but i DO think I stayed at a haunted airbnb. Food kept disappearing and then one night a giant ghostly handprint was left on my guitar case and my hand was way too small to have created it.

hinterscape: Hi Lynn! I've been following you guys since ~2014, you're awesome and I look up to you. Do you see yourself making music forever or how long do you see it if not? pvrisofficial: FOR-E-VER! It might take different forms and go through different stages but i think i will always be creating music!

imaliveunfortunately: Hi Lynn! First of all I love you and the style of music you've put out recently. I saw you at Reading last year, and in Manchester in 2017 so I'm really happy to seeing PVRIS get the exposure it deserves :) So it's gotta be asked, I understand there's issues with the label, but what are the chances of Mvdonna and Blood On My Hands being released? Whether it be as singles, on a new EP, the next album, etc? They're just damn good tracks pvrisofficial: I want them to come out SO BAD too haha. I want to make sure the production is perfect so its now a matter of finding the right collaborator for them.

CookThePasta: Do you believe in life after love? pvrisofficial: yes

OldManMalekith: Hi Lynn! How did working with JT on Use Me differ from your previous experiences with producers? Everyone that I've seen or heard work with him puts it as a really positive experience, and he helps make great stuff! pvrisofficial: He is the BEST. He was very similar to Blake in the sense that he was incredibly nurturing and encouraging, dedicated to making sure it was 100% everything I wanted and always stood up for me if the label ever tried to change it. His production style is definitely different but its extremely diverse. It's a lot punchier and crisper and a bit more minimal than in the past but i think it almost makes things more impactful that way!

villanelleinsuits: Hi Lynn! You’re a creative genius, thanks for existing. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be and why?? pvrisofficial: I would love to live in the UK countryside!!! Maybe Bath or something.

Queenio01: How are you feeling today? pvrisofficial: Sleepy but EXCITED to rehearse!

dancorcoran: How often do you get recognised by fans in day to day life? pvrisofficial: Not too often! I usually get recognized at coffee shops and starbucks though? and Lush hahaha

jessica_pasta: Hi Lynn!!! Was wondering how do you make your synth patches? What synth sounds are your favorites? Thanks so much! Love PVRIS and all that you do ❤️❤️❤️❤️ pvrisofficial: I use Zebra a lot and also use a Prophet Rev2. One of my favorite things is to throw synths through different effects to get an entirely new sound!

ImadaPC: Hi Lynn, I got a question. What inspires you to make music and why? pvrisofficial: What inspires me is wanting to hear something I havent heard! I want to hear all my favorite artists and influences into one thing so that's usually how PVRIS stuff is inspired haha.

staceelogreen: What are your stand out albums of this year!:) pvrisofficial: Great Q! 070 Shake - Modus Vivendi Tinashe - Songs For You (technically 2019 but I've been jamming it all year) They. - The Amanda Tape KAYTRANADA - Bubba (2019 but it came out late 2019 so it counts as 2020 for me!) Howling - Colure

DH00338: What are you most excited about in terms of this new era of PVRIS? pvrisofficial: More writing!! and more collaborations!

creewitch: Hiya Lynn! I hope your morning is going well. When have you felt the proudest of yourself and why? ☺️ pvrisofficial: Oooo good Q! I always think there's room for improvement so it's hard to feel pride, but I am definitely grateful for my resilience through the crazy shit haha.

liky_gecko: Because you’re from the Boston area, what are your favorite spots to eat/hang out there? I may be going to school there pvrisofficial: Do itttt! My fav spots are a little outside of the city.... the Crane Estate, Mt. Auburn Cemetery in Cambridge, Maudslay State Park in Newburyport, Portsmouth NH, Shedd Park Cemetery in Lowell.

goszkv: Hi Lynn! Was wondering if you'll ever consider coming to Poland :( ofc post corona pvrisofficial: yes!

cecy_db_11: Hi Lynn! Can't wait to see you guys this Saturday. How do you feel once the songs you write (your personal feelings and thoughts) are available for the world to listen? Do you get used to that over time? pvrisofficial: Still getting used to that to be honest. Once songs are out, I weirdly stop listening to them. Prior to that I listen in the car a lot and drive around testing songs out haha.

musicfan1976: Do you think the spring 2020 shows will still happen or be rescheduled again due to Covid? Stay healthy and take care. pvrisofficial: I truly have no idea.... :( you take care too! <3

yikesmiles: Hey Lynn! I hope you’re well! I’ve always been curious, what was it that inspired you to make music? pvrisofficial: Good Q! WHen I write, I try to write music that I want to hear that hasn't crossed my path yet.

LeahLNurse: Is there any unreleased songs you wish made it onto White Noise? pvrisofficial: Nope!

JRuiz1775: Hey Lynn! I remember the first time I saw and heard you guys was when you opened for Pierce the Veil and Sleeping with Sirens. I was hooked and have tried to see you guys anytime you are in my area. My question for you is what is your favourite tour experience? What is your dream tour to be on? pvrisofficial: There's SO many favorite tour experiences. I love touring the UK and Europe a lot, exploring before shows is my favorite thing and has some of my favorite memories. Our UK/EU tour with BMTH was one of my favorites.

ac-36: hi lynn! i love your music so much, it means a lot to me. if you were to remake your past music now, how do you think it would be different, and what do you think the future direction of the band will be? pvrisofficial: I would definitely approach the drum production a bit different but keep it pretty similar with the other textures/instruments! Future direction can go anywhere! Definitely want to keep taking risks and trying new things, but still keeping it dark!

staceelogreen: If you could go back in time to give yourself advice, what would you say to your past self? pvrisofficial: Take it easy on yourself.

NouveauJacques: Hi Lynn, huge fan and I love the power behind your music. Do you ever write songs that are too emotional and feel conflicted about putting into an album? pvrisofficial: usually if they feel too emotional or heavy, I know they need to be released haha

Defiant-Strawberry37: Hi Lynn, hope everything's okay with you and the band. I'd like to ask you what PVRIS' era you think is the best and why? Hope I can see you guys someday soon acting in Portugal. Love you all! PS: why so Lynnda? *portuguese pun intended, beautiful = linda in portuguese* ly! pvrisofficial: Thanks! I love every era tbh but I'm definitely always the most excited on the present moment!

pvrisbae: youre the cutest little soul ily. whats ur fav song at the moment? pvrisofficial: Brian showed it to me! It's "Too Late" by Washed Out.

agnespvris: Hi Lynn!! Have you had any good laughter when you've been looking through the #pvrismemes ?? pvrisofficial: oh you betcha.

whothefuckisrvmi: ok so im not understanding shit about this app but im here for you pvrisofficial: thank u

vioIentbounce: hi lynn! what do you think will be your favorite song from use me to play live? pvrisofficial: I think.... Good To Be Alive or Gimme A Min

jaydenc30: hi lynn I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you and everything you do! I hope you are doing well, what was the first song you wrote for use me? What’s does PVRIS’s future look like to you? pvrisofficial: First song for Use Me was Old Wounds! I wrote it before the second album even came out haha

IrlandaBDelao: Hi lynn, would you be down to open commisions for tattoos? If so, how much would you charge for a drawing? pvrisofficial: I wish! I do not have time to at the moment :( but if I have time in the future, you will be first to know so you can get first dibs!

CookThePasta: are you really looking at all of our memes?? pvrisofficial: trying OUR BEST!!

nonoplznowhy: why did your parents name you Lynn? pvrisofficial: Lyndsey* but they always call me Lynn or Lynds. I was named after my mom's childhood bestfriend named Lynn, she passed away when my mom was pretty young :(

golrip: What is your favourite song on awknohawnoh and why? That album literally changed my life and shaped me into the person I am today so I would really love knowing your opinion. also: what's your favourite the weeknd song/album? pvrisofficial: NOLA 1! It was my favorite to write and the memory around that time is magical. We wrote it in New Orleans and it's my favorite city.

bnizz95: Hey Lynn!! I saw you guys perform for the first time live in Cambridge last September and im so excited about the stream. I was wondering what your favorite song/songs off this album are? Also, do you still steal rosemary from your neighbors? Hahaha pvrisofficial: hahaha I have a little rosemary plant that I use now :)

vioIentbounce: are you still making collages? if not, have you taken up any new artistic hobbies lately?❤️ pvrisofficial: Little collaging here and there :) I've been researching a lot of interior design and fashion design lately!

fee-lixdawkins: Hey Lynn! Excited for the livestream! I know you’re an AFI fan. What is your favorite album and song(s) by them? Would you ever want to tour with them? I’d kill to see that happen! Take care! pvrisofficial: Brian is the bigger AFI fan! I cant pick a fave Im scared

ivykrvft: How does it feel to (kinda) be performing again as an entire band after all these months? pvrisofficial: Really good!! Definitely going to be weird without you guys in front of us!!

Ariana_0918: hi lynn <3 i wanted to know when you saw florence in concert what was your favorite song she performed live? pvrisofficial: Cosmic Love. She played it first and it was acoustic, I instantly cried hahahaha

TheSinger_Z: Hey Lynn! How old were you when you first started writing songs? What is the most memorable prank/joke that you have pulled or has been pulled on you while on tour? How many instruments do you play and what’s your favourite? I just want to say thank you, you’re my biggest inspiration when it comes to music (I sing and I’m learning to play guitar and hope to do it professionally when I’m older as I’m only 14 😬), and I’m really thankful for you guys. I got meet and greet tickets for November 30th for the White Noise stream, so see you then! pvrisofficial: i was in the 3rd grade. the songs were horrible. Its not really a prank but we love having our in ear monitor tech do the worm on stage sometimes. Extra points when he does it in costume. I can play 7 instruments! Looking to add more to the arsenal over time. I love piano a lot and drums. Keep it up, can't wait to see you be a star!!! ALso the livestream is the 21st! DOnt want you to miss it :)

CheezeGrenade: I missed out on a lot of concerts growing up and I couldn't make it to a concert out of state that I bought tickets to about a year ago. Will you guys play through Awkohawnoh again in anyway? Such as Half/Winter/No Mercy/Walk Alone. Litterally that album and the one before got me through alot of depressive phases in my life and Awk has really inspired alot of my writing for a series I want to create someday. pvrisofficial: I cant wait for you to start writing it! You got this! We will be playing through AWKOHAWNOH but the date is not announced yet :)

srankie: Are y'all Pats fans? Red Sox? Bruins? Cause if not the Eagles family will accept you with open arms pvrisofficial: NEW ENGLAND/BOSTON ALL DAY BABY!

macauley7: Could u please ask harry styles if u could tour with him? I need a pvris x harry watermelon sugar vibes thanks pvrisofficial: I'll call him right now.

brisbubbles: Hey, Lynn! Can’t wait for Saturday! I was wondering, how do you feel about singing old tracks from WN since you relearned how to sing? What has that experience been like? Wishing you and Brian the best! xzlinx: I am wondering about this as well. Maybe I am just nosey but I wonder about the process of retraining your voice and what exactlt happened. It must have been insanely difficult on her mental health but goddamn what a trooper bc Use Me is unbelievable! pvrisofficial: Great questions!!! Singing WN is definitely a little challenging to begin with because I'm older and my tone isn't the tone of 19 year old me anymore haha. A big thing was anxiety which caused me to choke up a lot and tense my chords. Then when i was being coached, out of fear of damaging something we had to rebuild and start small and light which we think caused the chords/muscles to atrophy, which set it back further haha. I eventually went to another coach who then was able to take my "retrained" voice and then strengthen it up and rebuild it back to where it was before!

ImOnlyHalfAlive: Hey Lynn! First, I can't express just how much PVRIS has meant to me over the last couple of years. Your music has helped me through so much, and I will forever be grateful. My question is: What's a life mantra you've always lived by? pvrisofficial: Life mantra (theres a lot but this one I always connect to when it comes to career): Patience and persistence is key.

Okosano: Hi Lynn and greeting from Germany! The one and only important question here : Whats your favorite comfort food? pvrisofficial: Favorite comfort food...... Indian food! My absolute favorite.

Ok-Personality1480: What’s your favorite tea pls 🤠 pvrisofficial: Throat coat for singing, housemade chai for joy.

CookThePasta: Do you know the muffin man? pvrisofficial: yes

LynnGvnnFvn: What were the creative differences between writing an album like White Noise or AWKOHAWNOH and Use Me? pvrisofficial: Age, time, locations, different producers and collaborators!

unit525: How are the submissions for the meme competition looking? Any front runners emerging? pvrisofficial: It's a CLOSE call for a lot of them...

LynXiger: Which song from your discography is your least favourite and why? pvrisofficial: I wont say incase it is anyone's favorite!! hahaha

lgbtiffany: do you have a tendency to incorporate spirituality into your creative processes? love the album and can’t wait for the stream ✨❤️ pvrisofficial: I think creating is spiritual in itself! You're channeling sound and melody and MAGICCC! So yes!

vessed1: hiii. I’d love to know who found the White Noise mirror ☺️ pvrisofficial: Me too

LynXiger: What is your favourite genre to listen to? And how has this changed over time? pvrisofficial: I'm a big sucker for hip hop and pop... really anything that's catchy and hits hard and has cool production!

nicthehic: Hey Lynn! Been a huge fan for a long long time and took up doing music professionally because I was inspired by you and the rest of Pvris’ rise and work ethic. I was wondering if there was anything you would do differently while recording your first album and any advice to new ish band working on their first professional project (in the midst of covid no less) and any tips to make our first album just as great and timeless as white noise Thank you! pvrisofficial: Awww this is awesome! I'm sure you're gonna crush it! I definitely would have wanted to make the production a little different but keep a lot of the same fundamental aspects/textures. Do what YOU feel you want to create and dont feel any outside pressures. Crush it! Cant wait for you to record!

minidudette106: Hey Lynn, Do you ever think its crazy that people get tattoos of your lyrics & ones inspired by your music? also wondering what your thoughts are on pineapple on pizza? lol pvrisofficial: I used to get freaked out bc I didnt think my lyrics were great but now I think its so cool! haha.

Hot-Lime3627: Hi Lynn, how is Opal and the other cat whom you took care of during quarantaine doing ? pvrisofficial: They are back with their owner! I truly miss them every single day... they were my little fluffy pals.

kelcea244: How do you keep your creative muscle flexed so you’re ready to create? And do you create every day? EDIT: Also really sad you guys weren’t able to make it over to the UK this month! We’ll be so psyched for you when you do come! pvrisofficial: We are sad too!!! We can't wait to get back whenever it is safe to play shows there. I miss it every day! I try to create every day even if it's just 5-10 minutes, always good to keep those muscles flexed!

socksgrowonbushes: first of all i just want to say how much i admire you, you’re amazing :) my question is what is your favourite song you have ever written? is it one that’s on an album? one that hasn’t even been released? i’m curious pvrisofficial: Use Me!

LadyEpicenter25: What the significance of playing in Arizona?! pvrisofficial: Resources to make the stream happen and rehearsals happen :)

bitchesonthephone: I have one question and one question only: When will we get Let’s Go Vertigo? pvrisofficial: NEVERRRRRR

Antique_Performer_45: Hi Lynn! I’ve been a big fan of PVRIS for a few years now. Which song from Use Me was your favorite to write? I love you guys! pvrisofficial: Use Me! or Good To Be Alive!

JadeAdelaideee: Hello!!! You’ve been a huge help with me realising I was gay, is there anyone who you would look up to when you were younger who sort of helped ease that journey? 💕✨ pvrisofficial: tbh i didnt have many. It was the scattered bits of magical gay representation on teen tv shows like Degrassi/Skins etc. haha

brandonjback: what song are you most proud of from AWKOHAWNOH? pvrisofficial: Anyone Else and NOLA 1!

DixieF: A question I've been waiting ages to ask. Why are you guys so awesome? pvrisofficial: We got awesome parents!!!

Emmahumphrees: Out of all yours songs what is your favourite lyric?? pvrisofficial: "On the porch the ceiling's painted baby blue dressed to the nines just like the sky in early afternoon 'cause it's midnight and the ghosts might be coming soon" Its a reference to a New Orleans superstition that the baby blue porch ceiling would ward off spirits in the night to trick them that it was the daytime sky.

lgbtiffany: what was the most difficult part of trying to regain your voice when you were having troubles with it? pvrisofficial: Definitely just getting on stage every night knowing it wasn't working and having to pretend it was... haha. Super embarrassing.

cnnrtower: Hi Lynn! MA fan here who first saw PVRIS open for A Skylit Drive at the Palladium in 2013. Super incredible to watch the journey for the band / yourself as an artist! What was the first gig/experience that made you stop and realize that PVRIS was going places? pvrisofficial: one of our first headline shows in CT back in 2015. Show was crazy!!

KimLC24: I was just wondering how you get your inspiration to do your art and music? because it can sometimes be hard to even get motivated let alone create pvrisofficial: Totally relate and understand! I won’t lie, the older I get, the more I need to hype myself up and set a tone to create, especially when there’s so much music swirling around us at all times (the internet/streaming/etc). I almost always have a moody or dreamy movie/show playing on my ipad next to me while I work so that way there’s an inspiring visual going.

deadweighttttt: Hi Lynn!!! What’s your all time favourite lyric from the album?! pvrisofficial: HII!! "Do you even notice how easy you've got this? Taking wings off a goddess if I'm being honest"

Pvffreis: Hi Lynn, I have no idea how to use this/reddit but great to see you here! Hope you're doing good? <3 Update: I figured out how to edit comments ayyy I just signed up to ask you this very important question: Red or green apples? pvrisofficial: Idk how either but I think I got it!! Red apples! W PB

dancingonslowsand: Hi Lynn!! Been following PVRIS for a while and I’ve loved seeing how your sound has evolved over the years. Do you have any idea of what direction you want the band to go in the future? Or are you just riding the wave and seeing what happens? Also what’s your fav bird pvrisofficial: Thanks so much! I definitely plan to just keep riding the wave… I feel like every album leaves some room for the direction to go anywhere so the next chapter never feels too restricted. I have been feeling pretty hyped and high energy lately so I feel like it may reflect that a bit! Fav bird is… PENGUINS (even though people debate that they are mammals.)

pvrisofficial: Okay my friends, I gotta head out and get to rehearsals! This was so much fun, sorry I couldn't get to every Q. Love yall! See you guys so soon! <3

November 18th, 2020

[after-lauhgter]

Hey dude, I really like your music taste so do all the music questions that you didn't already answer 🌚

OK DUDE HERE THEY COME (except 1,6 & 14) ... ok lets do number 1 again  What's a song you've been listening to a lot lately? as the world caves in by Matt Maltese, if I get high by nothing but thieves, and literally anything off waterparks’ new live album, that thing makes me feel so ALIVE bc like LIVE MUSIC  Is there an album you recently discovered and are obsessed with it now? well waterparks live in the uk obviously but if the last 6 months count as recently, then the new abnormal by the strokes. its... absolutely breathtaking. I don't have words. 0 words. except these dudes know what the fuck they’re doing. and then I found the devil and god are raging inside me by brand new and jeeesus. literally Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ was my most played song in 2020 AS IT SHOULD BE bc its EVERYTHING this album is THE SHIT. every song is just *chef kiss* like there's limousine (omg limousine) and you won't know and not the sun and AHH listen to these albums omg  Put your playlist on shuffle and show the first 10 songs. No cheating. i assume “your playlist” means all my saved songs so Topography by Civilian (pls go listen its SO great) Na Na Na by mcr yees issa classic  Du schreibst Geschichte by Madsen omg geeerman  just saying by EDEN (pretty pretty pretty) Westerland von den Ärzten another classic  letdown by nothing,nowhere. sad but the good kind of sad  The Man by the killers making fun of toxic masculinity gives me LIFE  Graffiti by CHVRCHES YES  and death stranding by CHVRCHES too YES SO GOOD simmer by Hayley Williams, a queen  How do you tend to discover new music? If you do at all of course I do enjoy what Spotify suggests, like my weekly mix brought a lot of bops in the past, although sometimes it just sucks lets be real. I also like the artist- or album-radio, when I wanna find something similar to an album but not the album.  and another thing I lovvve is when artists I like recommend music, for example, have you seen dallon weekes instagram stories? THE TASTE? bc yes, someone who writes music like that MUST have a superior taste in music and he fucking does. 

What app do you mostly use to listen to music? Spotify :) Is there an artist that you feel ashamed of listening too? I can't think of anyone so probably not  What is your favorite album cover art? omg. I have to go with more than one. so there's where the mind wants to go/where you let it go by I the mighty, one of my favorite albums of all time, and I'm going to say it how it is, I LIKE THE COLORS. the blue-ish imagine with the red omg. look at it pls.  Also fandom by waterparks looks SO COOL. again the COLORS  and I love the art for Isola by Kent.  I recently discovered you wouldn't believe what privilege costs by civilian and I think that cover is pretty cool too.  well and then there's petals for armor by Hayley Williams, the cover art is so fucking powerful Jesus I get goosebumps just thinking about it. in case you don't know about it, long story short: there's been a lot of shit going on in Hayleys life in the past. relatable imo. then they made after laughter and its been like u know what fuck it we’ll just laugh and dance through the pain. together. and I LOVED the vibe omg it gave me so much. but for Hayley it kinda postponed REALLY dealing with shit. she came home from touring with AL and she also got divorced during the AL era and everything's shit and out of all that came petals for armor. and in it she reclaims femininity, being alone, being powerful, being a women, everything. and ah yeah we were talking about the cover art, the cover is her, having a line of squares on her face, three of these squares are tattooed on her fingers though bc its where her ex husbands initials used to be that she got covered up. WHAT A MOVE. THE POWER.  (if anyone is interested in hearing Hayley talking about/explaining all this, I really recommend watching her interview with zane Lowe. its SO GOOD basically free therapy) How much did your parents influence your music taste? a. lot. my dad listened to a lot of “dad rock” you may call it, I guess a lot of dads listened to stuff similar to this. Deep Purple, the police, simple minds, Green Day, Billy Talent, the scorpions and things like that. what influenced me the most tho was the beatsteaks (german band, very good), die Ärzte (german band, very good) and LAST BUT NOT LEAST the fricking blues brothers. my favorite movie (not the 2000 remake, go watch that in hell where it belongs), a great, charismatic band, unbelievable live performances. very big WOW from me.  Do you own any vinyl? don't get me started omg. I DO. I wish I could take a photo but my records are at my parents house so ill just name my favorites.  -after laughter and brand new eyes by paramore -violent things by the brobecks and their song boring on 7inch (this is very rare ok) -razzzzmatazzz by idkhow in gold :) -may death never stop you by mcr (my first one, I bought it first and then bought a record player for it, that's how it started lol) -omg the black parade is dead by mcr, this was never available on vinyl until record store day 2019 (?) and I hunted that bitch like idek what it was insane but I found a super cute small record store and the owner didn't have copies of it bc NOBODY DID but he fucking CALLED THE LABEL even though it was way too late and he asked if they'd send him a copy and THEY DID I FUCKING OWE THIS MAN  -and omg Isola by Kent (in Swedish tho bc the English version was never pressed on vinyl) this was intense. I searched for like 2 weeks and then, on google results page 8 or something, I found what could've been the only copy on the damn internet and it was very expensive but its MINE NOW -my signed vertigo vinyl by EDEN, its clear and on side D it doesn't have music but a little message engraved it the vinyl IT IS CUTe -Placebos MTV unplugged! I am so I love with this album. SO. in love. and one day, when I was in Berlin to see palaye royale, back when we had concerts, I walked by a random record store and they have like 4 records left bc they were closing or idk and the only one displayed in the window was this one. tell me about FATE  Do you own any cds? not many. sometimes when im at the store and I see ones I know or like, I just buy them and put them in me moms car bc I want her to listen to them. or when I find a cd by a smaller artist I enjoy, I buy it just to push the nachfrage. HI i am HERE and I WANT this music  Is vinyl really better than listening on a digital device? im not gonna be that middle aged white male audiophile that hates on our generation for using Spotify. bc its great. I think its just different. I mean im sorry I don't carry my record player on the bus with me, pls forgive me for using my phone? having immediate access to most of the music that is out there? wow. what a concept. I love the internet. YES TECHNOLOGY. but. vinyls are... different. I feel likes its a different kind of listening. I feel like youre rly LISTENING. and that way isn't better, or right, and im not saying it works like this for everyone. but when I put a record on, my only activity at that moment is listening to music, I sit down and I listen. to the entire album. so skips and no pauses, bc that's how it works. and I think that sometimes, that can do a lot for you. if you let it.  and besides that, physically owning a record makes me happy on a level nothing else really does. fuck I love music so much and when I fall in love with it, I fall hard. and then owning a copy of it, something I can touch, something that is MINE, putting it in my little shelf, looking at it every few days and just being in love? fantastic feeling.  What is a genre of music that you tend to go to for comfort? sad shit. I feel like I can get great comfort from the sad shit. or maybe just slow shit. and songs that mean a lot to me and have been around me for some time, they have this other level of comfort. like for Emma, forever ago by bon iver for example. I have a playlist, maybe I'll reblog this again and link it ;) Do you tend to like poppy upbeat songs, or more intricate and interesting songs? both. sometimes I wanna have complicated stuff and analyze the shit out of lyrics and instrumentation, sometimes I just wanna v i b e If you have a favorite band or artist, tell us about how you got into them I liked paramore before but when they posted the video of them performing last hope at reading? it was over. when Hayley sang the bridge it was over. now im a die hard fan and I never looked back Is there a song that came out this year that you like? maybe after reading all this shit you expected a list but somehow I can't. where do u even start. but the answer is definitely yes.  THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING I COULD GO ON FOR DAYS 

[angeldolanx]

Chapter 14. /get crossfaded/

01.09.'19

"What the fuck happened? Did she said something?" asked Ethan, after he bursted into Grayson's room.

" No" he mumbled and didn't even looked up to his brother. He hoped he is gonna drop the topic easily.

"Then why are you act like this?"  asked again E now a lot more emphatically and grabbed the phone from Grayson's hand. Grays's eyes were cold and angry when he looked at Ethan, and took a big sigh as he looked down to his hands, what he cracked.

" I just agh.. I should not feel like that, I can't have feelings for her, man."

"Why not?"

"He is gonna leave the country in like a year and gonna be hundreds and thousands of miles away" shouted Grayson. It was a sensitive topic for him and Ethan danced in a really thin ice because of asking about it.

"And who cares? You should enjoy that fucking year than, and not be scared."

"I am not scared.."

"You are just not used to that feeling, but who is?" asked E, while Gray just shook his head. " And by the way that's the right thing to do? Be with her for weeks, then ignore her? Nice, it's gonna break her heart and you know that."

"I don't know, okay? Leave me alone" turned his back to Ethan, while now he was the one who just shook his head and left his brother in his room with his own messy thoughts and feelings.

23.09.'19

I hated myself. I hated myself for believing and falling for a men. How many times I warned myself, that I am gonna hurt myself again and there's gonna be new scars on my heart. I thought he is gonna be different, that he is gonna give more, or if not I am gonna be able to control myself and don't close him to my heart, so it couldn't hurt me. Well, it didn't went like that.

Weeks went by since I saw Grayson for the last time. At first I hoped, that he is maybe just busy and don't have time but then I was angry. I was stubborn, I didn't even asked about him even though I talked with Ethan a lot in the past weeks. I avoided the topic, and I don't wanted to hear a sorry, you were not enough for him. I wanted to protect my own self, while I was the one who needed to be saved from me own thoughts. I acted like I don't care, I didn't talked about it to anyone. Not with Corinna, nor my family. Noone. I acted like it didn't hurt. But it did. Really fucking did.

We were exactly in a faze in our relationship with Grayson where every single one of my thought was him. What he said or what he did... He came into my mind because of random things that reminded me of him. He chose the perfect timing, when it hurt the most. I started to have a second thought that maybe all he wanted is a few nights, and he never really cared about me as much as I am for him. Well, maybe. Maybe really that's all what he wanted and got it.

No, I didn't tried with him either. When I saw that he didn't responded to my last massage, where I said we should meet, I felt like there is no point to try. I don't wanna look desperate and run after him, it's really not who I am. I was in a situation like this before, when I caught feelings and then the ghosting game started, and people really are surprised when I say I've never had a boyfriend? They are all trash. Who needs all these games, where if you win you are gonna be happy, but if you lose you are gonna be on the floor again and it's gonna be hard to stand up and start the game over with a back thought in your head about what happened last time and maybe get even more hurt then before.

Maybe in that mental state the house party with Corinna was not the best idea ever. I put on my hot black dress with high heels on purpose, to show that I can get whatever boy I want. Unfortunate was, that the one who I wanted, doesn't wanted me.

The things got out of my control. After we got to one of Corinna's friends house to the party I realized that the alcohol made my thoughts fade a bit from Grayson, so I drunk more. Then later someone gave me a joint,I was dumb enough to say yes to try it. I was curious but at the same time I wanted everything that could switch of my mind.

From that moment everything got foggy. I just wandered around, I felt super dizzy when I danced and people's faces were not clear around me. It felt like I am not in control over my own body.  Probably that joint was not a good idea after the lot of alcohol, that already made me drunk, the joint just made it even worse. I felt people’s touches on me, and their voices when they talked to me, but I wasn't being able to do anything right. And when I searched for Corinna and found her, she was in a really similar situation like me, the difference was that she enjoyed it and I really wasn't.

"Let's go home" I said to her, but of course she didn't wanted to. She said I should enjoy the night  and we can go later, but at this point I was so over this party.

I grabbed my leather jacket from the hanger and I was on my way. I tried to walk straight on the sidewalk, but I kept stepped to the side to not fall over, and my legs started to hurt pretty fast because of my high heels. I took a big sigh, and sat down next to the gate to the ground after a few minutes. My first thought was I should call Grayson, which thought somehow made everything worse and felt how the salty teardrops came to my face. I was sure I cried because of the drug and alcohol. I would never do that if I was sober, crying is a big no for me. But in this situation I was not able to control myself. It hurted so bed that I wanted to talk to him again, like a few weeks ago but I couldn't. I felt like my heart is breaking every time I think of him, or his touches, or his words. I felt like my body kept desired him but didn't get anything back.

Between two sobbing I tried to look for my phone in my bag, and bit my lip when I opened the über app to go home and Ethan's massage popped up about him finally winning a round in PUBG. I laughed slightly while I swiped down the tears from my face. I loved how he cared and was all happy about it at 3 am in the morning. It probably would have wiser for me too to play a game at home, and not cry in the street all drunk because of a dude like an idiot.

can I ask you a favor? - I texted and tried at least ten times to make it readable, my head was still dizzy.

sure, are u okay? - he responded quickly, and before I could reply my phone started to rang with his name on the screen. I took a big sigh and put my phone to my ear, while I run my hand through my hair. I could see myself from the outside, I was a hot mess.

"Is everything okay?" he asked. Probably he suspected that I would not ask favors in the middle of the night, if it was not something serious.

"Yeah, kinda. Can you take me home please?" I asked. I heard how my words sounded weird and different. I really hated that I had no control over my brain whatsoever.

" Are you drunk?" he asked, but before I could answer he asked again. " Where are you?"

"Uhm, I don't know" I looked around, till I found a random sign on the street that I read to him. I had no idea where I was, i've never been in LA's that part and I had no idea how do I wanted to call a über if E is not texting before.

"Are you alone?" he asked and I heard, that he started to pack stuff and made different louder noises than before, while my answer was just quiet humming. "Don't hang up, until I get there" he commanded me and I heard how he's car's door closed in the background.

In the time I tried to calm myself down. I still wanted to cry because of Grayson, but now there was fear in me too, because I realized I was on the street in the middle of the night in a foreign city alone. My heart pounded fast, probably still because of the joint and the alcohol too and I genuinely felt like I was a mess. My phone was in my lap and sometimes I responded to Ethan's questions where he made sure I was still there. I got scared for a moment when a car stopped in front of me on the street, but I calmed down immediately when I saw Ethan's figure coming towards me.

"What the fuck, M?" he shook his head, and reached for my hand to pull me up from the ground. I saw in his eyes that he trying to figure out if I was okay or why did I do this to myself, so before anything I just stepped closer to him to hug him. When he hold me close to him and started to caress my back I felt how my whole body shaking from the crying that I couldn't held back again. "Sh, it's okay" he said quietly.  I was so grateful for him. He was the only friend of mine in America who I could call anytime and knew he is gonna be there. He was like a brother.

After I somehow calmed down a bit I pulled away from him and let him grab my shoulder and go to the car with me. Our whole ride was quiet. Light music came from the speakers, while I rested my head on the back of the seat and looked out from the window to the huge city, that made my life complicated.

"Do you stay at our's tonight? I don't wanna bring you home like this" broke E the silence when he stopped in a red light and looked to my way. I saw that he was worried about me in his eyes and he wanted to understand what is goin' on, but he still didn't asked anything. That's why I loved him so much.

" I don't really wanna go there" I said quietly.

"Gray is asleep, you can stay in my room and I sleep in the sofa, and I bring you home tomorrow, okay?"

At this point I didn't wanted to make things even more complicated so I just nodded to his words. After we got to their house, as soon as I get out of the car my leg started to burn from pain, so I just pulled of that damn shoe and brought it in my hands to the house. The house was dark and quiet so I felt relieved quite a bit after I realized that Grayson was really asleep.

I felt like Ethan acted like a angel the whole night. He gave me a hoodie to sleep in, brought me some water while I was in the bathroom and waited in the room till I got to bed. As soon as my head met with the pillow the bed started to spin in my head and I felt awful.

"Thank you, E."

"Try to get some sleep" he said from the door and I just nodded before he closed the door behind him. I took a big sigh and moved to my side, when I heard Grayson's voice talking to Ethan behind the door quietly, but at this point I was way too tired to try to listen to them and I feel asleep asap.

Of course I woke up the next day in a really bad state. As soon as I opened my eyes my ear buzzed, mixed with a strong headache. But I am not complaining, I deserve it and I would deserve something even worse then this for that night. As I looked to my phone my first shook was the time, it was over noon and it really something that is so not me. I always wake up around nine even if I had the worst party before night. And my second shook was the lot of massages from Corinna, and some other people from the party who were worried about me. So I felt even worse.

Corinna: Grayson told me that you are at their house, don't you dare ever scare me like that

at least you're talking to him - I thought. To be honest a lot of people around us doesn't' saw anything under the fact that we never talked with Gray. I don't talked about him with anyone, so they thought everything was fine.

Before I could overthink this I went to the bathroom and wasn't even surprised the way I looked. I've had huge undereye bags, my hair was messy, and the rest of my make up from last night looked awful. Lack of better I grabbed a bubble gum and tried to wash off my face with cold water. I run my finger through my hair a few times and tried to handle that bed headache.

When I went back to the room I heard knock on the door, and as I shouted out Ethan came to his room.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure, it's your room" I said with light smile. He just casually came in and sat down to the bed next to me and I was ready for a big tell off because of the way I acted yesterday.

" How are you? You looked pretty rushed yesterday."

"Better than yesterday, and yeah I was a mess" I said next to a big shig.

"But why?" he asked and before I could say anything the reason himself showed up in the door. He leaned against the door frame and looked silently to us, while I uncomfortably moved around and looked away.

"Can you please bring me home?" I asked Ethan and he just nodded and went to his dresser, while I went to the bathroom to change back to my yesterday's dress from E's hoodie.

When I went back to the room, Ethan was not there, but Grayson still stood next to the door and stared to the floor, till he heard I got back and looked up to me. I just tried to act like he is not here. I grabbed my phone from the bed and put it to my bag. I took a big sigh before I turned around because I knew I can't avoid him if he is standing in the door.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked, when I looked to his eyes. I couldn't even believe that he just asked that, I got so angry. But rather screaming at his face I just shook my head and passed him to go out from the room.

Ethan already waited for me in the hallway, so thank god I was able to avoid any other contact with his brother. Our way to my house was silent again, like last night, until Ethan put himself together and finally asked, what was on his mind since yesterday.

"Was the last night because of Grayson?" he asked hesitantly. Saying out loud just sounded even more stupid and felt myself even worse than before.

"No" I replied.

"But would you tell me, if the answer would be yes?"

"No" I replied again, now with a light smile. Of course I would not tell him that, he is his twin brother.. But I knew that Ethan could tell from my eyes that I lied to him, and he already knew the answer when he asked it. But this night was good for me to realize that that was all I let myself do because of him. I let it out, and tried to act like I closed the whole story and I accepted that we don't have room for each other in each other's life.

- get crossfaded √

[theleastcarefulofgamedevs]

hehehehehehehehe ur turn. overshare pals

hehe im lov u ceec :)

---

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

water bottles and soda cans!

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

chocolate.... im lov it

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy!

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

hardworking, earnest, and honestly? they gave me too much credit ebagweaganegioawnegew

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

soda bottles!

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

somewhere between boho, goth, and grunge hehe

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphones!

8. movies or tv shows?

movies,,

9. favorite smell in the summer?

you know that wet pavement smell after it rains? love that

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

dodgeball hehehe

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

nothin tbh. i don’t wake up early enough for it

12. name of your favorite playlist?

Writing Music! i made it hehehe

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring!

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

GUMMY BEARS AND JELLY BEANS

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

“A Child Called ‘It’“ by Dave Pelzer

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

cuddled up to someone in blankets,,, im lov anything with my s/o tbh

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

i have this beat up pair of blue slip ons that have bloodstains on em bc i got a nosebleed one day bwaeiugbaweugbaweubguaw

18. ideal weather?

post-raining, or like. just before it starts raining

19. sleeping position?

anything with my s/o or bein wrapped in like. a billion blankets

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

on my home pc in my room!

21. obsession from childhood?

dice and video games!

22. role model?

i know it’s gonna sound dumb but like. a lot of characters from media have influenced me a lot, like sans/komaeda etc. another one from my real life would be my aunt on my mom’s side!

23. strange habits?

i bounce my leg while listening to music or stressed,, that’s abt it. OH and i like twirling a small blanket around on my arm bc... acrobatics of sorts

24. favorite crystal?

amethyst, but anything clean cut and rounded looks rlly nice imo,,

25. first song you remember hearing?

the first day i remember in my life was christmas at my grandma’s when i was 4, so probably random christmas music ubwegebwgwebgoibgweg

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

sometimes when i get tired of sitting around at home i like to walk down to the dog park by my house! 

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

cuddle,,,,,,,,,,, wrap up in a blanket with some freshly baked cookies n just. be there

28. five songs to describe you?

megalovania, medley rush 2 from the sonic rush ost, the promised neverland english op, metal crusher from undertale, metal scratchin’ from sonic rush

29. best way to bond with you?

just talk to me! im godawful at starting convos but i love talkin to ppl! 

30. places that you find sacred?

every person’s room feels that way, as well as obvious places, like churches n whatnot. we went n visited my aunt’s old house so my mom could pick up some stuff and being in her room after she died in 2015 was just like. an emotion i can’t rlly describe

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

hoodie, trackpants, n sneakers hehe

32. top five favorite vines?

back at it again @ krispy kreme, ADAM, they were roommates, two dudes in a hot tub, my croissant

33. most used phrase in your phone?

either “be there soon” or “ily” 

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

none tbh. i don’t watch much tv so i don’t see ads often

35. average time you fall asleep?

either 10:30 or sometime after midnight. no in between 

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

it was a rage comic

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

suitcase!

38. lemonade or tea?

lemonade, but i LOVE tea!

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

LEMON CAKE....

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

i was walkin in the halls with my friend and someone dropped a styrofoam cup of pasta on my friend’s head from the second floor awbegiuawbeguiawbguaewg

41. last person you texted?

the person who sent this ask heheheheh

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

jacket pockets!

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

hoodie!

44. favorite scent for soap?

anything really, but i like whatever my s/o uses bc it would remind me of them!

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

fantasy!

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

underwear tbh. like. that and a tshirt or just underwear is the only way i can sleep

47. favorite type of cheese?

sensory issues say i have to hate all kinds of cheese outside of like. grilled cheese so let’s go with that/cheddar

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

dragonfruit! 

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

GOD pretty much every quote from monomi or chiaki in danganronpa 2, but mostly “if you learn to love yourself, that love will continue to carry you for your whole life! love, love...”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

OH HERES A FUCKIN STORY OK so i was at my friend’s house with a bunch of others bc we were doin a sleepover type thing and we were eating raising canes in his attic at like 3 am and some guy high on like. 3 different drugs at once got impaled through the leg on his fence. nobody saw him but we knew he was there and the cops were there in like 3 minutes. that very same friend has some of the most wack stories ngl

51. current stresses?

just doing well in school and making sure my s/o is happy!

52. favorite font?

comic sans.......................... im sorry

53. what is the current state of your hands?

my palms b sweaty but my fingers are dehydrated tbh. typin

54. what did you learn from your first job?

work.... difficult

55. favorite fairy tale?

probably the princess and the frog!

56. favorite tradition?

christmas!

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

probably my most noteworthy traumas tbh. gettin therapy for em, too

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

writing, my ability to overcome obstacles, being able to help ppl as well as i can, and making friends fast!

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Not dead yet.”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Probably either shounen, romance, or moe,,,,

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

“It’s a beautiful day outside. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming. On days like these, kids like you... should be burning in hell.”

62. seven characters you relate to?

sans, komaeda, makoto naegi, komaru naegi, toko fukawa, chiaki nanami, and chihiro fujisaki!

63. five songs that would play in your club?

they’d all be fall out boy tbh. that and videogame osts

64. favorite website from your childhood?

armor games hehe

65. any permanent scars?

i don’t think so? at least, not yet

66. favorite flower(s)?

roses and anything blue!

67. good luck charms?

my dice sets!

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

vanilla york peppermint patties... gross

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

pikmin in pikmin 1 who are underneath a bridge when it’s completed are killed because they get pushed through the ground

70. left or right handed?

right handed!

71. least favorite pattern?

probably the hellish bumpy pattern all teachers have all over their fuckin classrooms

72. worst subject?

math

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

chicken nuggets in milkshake... good. or frankly just like. cooked chicken mixed with anythin cold like ice or ice cream

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

like. 3 or 4

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i was eating a crunch bar and it fell out hehe

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

I WOULD DIE FOR FRENCH FRIES.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

any small blooming plant, like a single rose or flower!

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

hrm. coffee from a gas station tbh

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

NEITHER LOOK GOOD LMAO and i don’t have a driver’s license. that’s just like. a prediction

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

jewel tones!

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

lightning bugs!

82. pc or console?

either works but i spend more time on pc!

83. writing or drawing?

writing, but i like both!

84. podcasts or talk radio?

talk radio, but i love podcasts like TAZ or Critical Role! 

84. barbie or polly pocket?

neither? but probably barbie bc it’s more well known? idk

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology!

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cupcakes all the way b

87. your greatest fear?

me being the last person i know alive. i’d rather die than outlive everyone

88. your greatest wish?

i hope that no matter what there is after we die, i get to be with the people that are most important to me. 

89. who would you put before everyone else?

my s/o and family tbh

90. luckiest mistake?

buying danganronpa bweguowabguawebogbaweibg

91. boxes or bags?

boxes!

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights!

93. nicknames?

i go by wes, dev, bines, anything rlly

94. favorite season?

spring!

95. favorite app on your phone?

tumblr hehe

96. desktop background?

it’s the ddlc cast! it’s a greyscaled image of four of the events cut together and their eyes glow hehe

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

only one, and it’s my dads bc i have to call him every time i go to my grandparents’ hehe

98. favorite historical era?

probably the one we’re in now tbh, but like. also hate it

[lolbtsaus]

CEO!Yoongi as a Father

So w o w I actually got two posts of a series out in a row look at me g o but without further ado, here is my highkey spirit animal, the first half of the Daegu line, Min Yoongi aka Suga aka Agust D

The links for this are CEO!Yoongi (here) and father!Yoongi (all of the father related posts are here)

It has been a long ass time since I posted CEO!Yoongi and father!yoon so I’m just gonna sum both of them up really quick

To sum CEO!Yoongi up, he runs a music company/recording label, whatever you wanna call it

We already get producer!Yoongi and didn’t he win an award for his song with Suran?? Boy’s already on his way is this even a head canon anymore

For everyone that hasn’t read the original father!yoon post, yoongi has a daughter but I made a second version where he also has a son

For the sake of this post, I’ll be keeping it to one child, but this could easily be turned into the version where he has a son bc he wouldn’t treat his kids differently everyone gets spoiled rotten lol

Most spoiled bby though:((

Do her feet ever touch the floor??? Is she ever not dressed in the cutest outfits in the world??? 

Okay but hear me out real quick bc I really really love the idea of this I’m gonna cry

You know those ic on ic gif of Yoongi in the studio hold on I’ll get one so y’all don’t have to look for it

Yeah that on e like honestly I’ve always loved producer!Yoongi but I never knew how m u c h I loved it until I saw that bc I think I teared up am I crying

BuT hold the waterworks bc it’s about to get even better and cuter and more ouc h

Imagine his lil bby on his lap with a matching outfit

Yoongi, the guy that used to s w e a r he would never do a cheesy matching outfit, who now lives for dressing his mini me up like him

She loves it too bc she gets even more attention when she’s dressed up like him and she gets smothered in kisses by him

She already gets smothered in kisses regardless of what she’s wearing bc Yoongi would absolutely lo v e giving her all the love in the world but she gets e x t r a kisses when she’s matching him

He would take a million pictures of her and even get her to take a picture with him and he just b e a m s in the photo he’s so fucking happy

She is forever at work with him

She’s totally a daddy’s girl so she really struggles with having him be at work so late when he’s gone during the day too

If she gets to see him during the day and gets to be exhausted by all the musicians and producers and Yoongi chasing her around and playing with her and keeping her happy, she can fall asleep on the car ride home and stay asleep until the next morning

So you two develop a schedule

Yoongi takes her in with him when he goes into work and you take her home when you drop by to have dinner with Yoongi

He doesn’t take her in if he knows he’ll be home before dinner but if he knows he’s gonna be there late, he’ll take her bc they both miss each other too much to be apart all day

He also doesn’t work everyday so he gets plenty of days off to spend at home with her bc he wants to make sure he balances work and family

He lo v es it when he’s in the studio and she’s playing with someone in the hall and he can just hear her lil footsteps pattering all up and down the hall and hear her giggles and it just makes him so happy

She’s actually really good at letting him work

She’s of course gonna wanna his attention bc she’s his b b y and she needs his attention but she’s also cool with spending some time just sat on his lap coloring or on the couch in his studio drawing something

Plus sometimes the musicians or producers that have kids will bring them in with them and all of them can play together

You know that one kid that gets to meet celebrities and doesn’t even know and you just have that moment where you wanna be in their shoes, that’s her

Knows all of Yoongi’s musicians, most of which are extremely successful and well known but what matters to her is whether or not they’ll play with her

Like are they down to be a horse?? Will they let her pretend to be a cat?? Will they keep her entertained and amused???

Some of them get smart about it and eventually just start playing a kids show on their phone for her and she instantly loves them bc she’s a sucker for anyone that will let her watch Spongebob on their phone

Side note, Yoongi’s phone??? Is practically owned by her

He has so many kid apps and so many episodes of so many damn shows on there that he has to s e ar c h for the shit he actually uses

CEO!Yoongi who just really loves his mini me and is always down to take a break from work to play whatever game she came up with bc that’s his muse, his whole wide world

[shesinspain-blog]

The things you think are useless, I can't understand

Well, HI! It’s been a while! It’s now A U G U S T and my last post was in May. So I guess that means we have a lot of catching up to do!

Before I left for Barcelona, I was vulnerable with my friends, often bursting out with “what if I don’t make friends! How long will it take to settle in!” Everyone rooting for me was incredibly optimistic. “Kayla, you’ll make friends in like three days!” One wise colleague paused and said, “probably three weeks, then you’ll have it.” They were all right and wrong. Yes I did make friends really fast, and find a job and apartment within the first month. But if I were answering myself now, I would tell Young Kayla that it takes almost a year. I’m in month eleven now.

My life here now includes

finding my favorite brand of coffee at the grocery store

an entire saturday home, cooking, baking and reading my book

a favorite movie theater where I watched Jurassic World 2

a restaurant that says “welcome back” when I come in

feeling relaxed when I buy produce at the market in Spanish, instead of the horrible sick-stomach nervousness I had when I started 

I had a fantastic hike in June, around the base of Montserrat with a wild apricot tree on the path. I had two bad excursions afterward - one where my logistics were perfectly planned but I misunderstood the kayak rental rules; and another cut short for safety concerns. I have a favorite thrift store chain with specific favorite locations. I sassed a moto driver at a crosswalk. I can usually identify if a text is Spanish or Catalan.

It’s more good than bad. But it’s also been a testament of how settled I am into the city that I have complaints and critiques. It’s really rewarding to see who I am when I am unabashed of my license to live here.

Living here has made me feel more confidence in myself and my choices. When I landed, I had so much trepidation about the “American Stereotype” I was either confirming or creating. I don’t care now; I’m just me. Sometimes this means I don’t know enough Spanish to order medicine at the pharmacy, and sometimes it means I talk too loud. But I don’t hate my accent, my culture or my home the way I used to. There are so many fluid aspects of identity. Being American doesn’t define me, and my international friends see the multitudes I see in them, too.

As for Barcelona, I like to oscillate. I leave my house, direct tourists to the Picasso museum (in Italian!) and see a Cathedral that has been standing for nearly 800 years, adjacent to ancient Roman aqueducts. I have a coffee in my happy quiet place, then hear French, German, Dutch and Polish conversations spattered around me. I go have my lunch on the beach, sunbathing and binging my new favorite podcast.

In the same breath, I’m cursing Barcelona: for the 27th rendition of Despacito I’ve heard today, for the psychotic crying seagulls, for the siesta hours that close my supermarket from 2-4:30 daily. As we all know, I have never been known for planning and saving, so teaching has taken its $ummer toll on me. If only holiday was not mandatory! Now over halfway through, I’ve accepted my living circumstances for what they are. I just really did not put enough thought into saving for these monthS off lol.

In spite of these woes - especially money and otherwise that I’d have in ANY city - I am the happiest I’ve ever been. Not just when I’m crying seeing the Chainsmokers at sunrise (LOL WHO CRIES AT THAT). Sitting speechless and listening to music with friends. Having breakfast in bed (with a movie) on a Sunday morning. Being here has given me so much resolution in being who I am - because no one cares. No one cares if you have a start up, or pink hair, or clothes from Louis Vuitton. No one cares who your parents are, what you studied at school or how old you are. Without this pressure, your friendships and relationships are able to be defined by so many other relevant factors. We are more alike than we are different. It is still so magical to be surprised by the facts I never knew, the stories I never heard, that were waiting behind my Hollywood education of worldly matters.

My perspective on where my life is going and my values has shifted so much. The title of this post is from Steely Dan’s Reelin’ in the Years, which I didn’t even know I liked until I heard it again this week. The song captures a lot of how I’ve been feeling lately. The expected trajectory of my life was so wrong. Using my hard-earned degree to move abroad and teach isn’t useless at all. I can’t imagine my life without this move. There is so much joy, peace and understanding - especially within myself - that I wouldn’t have known if I moved forward in Ohio. 

Mid-June, I decided to take a month off all social media. I did it for a multitude of reasons, but mostly to be more present and mind my *own* business for a while. The beginning was so hard. I was embarrassed by how challenging it was to not check my accounts, or all the times my thumb swiped for my social apps. Now I’d say I’m still pretty quiet and I feel so much better because of it. I saw a friend recently for drinks, and she told me about her mom’s visit to Barcelona, showing me photos on her phone that I hadn't yet seen on instagram. It was old-fashioned and exciting.

Other things -

MADDY VISITED omg my bestie was here for a full week and we did stupid stuff like watch Queer Eye and really cool stuff like barbeques and the Magic Fountain. It was surreal to have her here and do a crossover episode of my two separate lives. We had a freakin’ blast.

I’m getting more and more obsessed with re-entering the kitchen, especially to do pastry??? IDK we’ll see but it’s fun to be excited about something, no matter where it may lead

Books I’ve scarfed down this summer: Brain on Fire, The Underground Railroad, No One Belongs Here More than You, Before the Fall, Like Water for Chocolate, and my current is The Invisible Bridge (NO SPOILEES PLEASE)

I taught some classes for my friend Kelsey and it showed me that I do NOT like teaching in classrooms hahaha I made a 7 year old cry (yikes) but we all really loved playing Ghost in the Graveyard! I learned a lot being there. Sometimes I am good at things, but I don’t know how good I am until I fail in another setting or circumstance. So in a roundabout way it made me become a better teacher for my online angels in China.

My friend Natalie gave me her bike-share pass for a week. For those of you moving to Barcelona, GET VIU BICING! It’s 45 Euro for a full year - unthinkably cheap - and the bikes are so convenient. It made me feel super local and happy to bike everywhere. I really loved it.

Since teaching hours are slow right now, I’m trying to make the most of my time. This includes beach runs, reading, sketching / painting in the city, meeting friends, baking, and even updating my portfolio. I’m looking forward to a chill August ahead of me and more fun in the endless sun.

[mirkwoodshewolf]

My first Avengers Christmas; Bucky x teen reader plus avengers

Okay ya’ll this comes from one of my recent requestors here on Tumblr. The anon requested a Christmas theme oneshot with our fav. super soldier Bucky Barnes feat. the other avengers. Hope you all enjoy it and anon who requested this I hope I did u proud :)

Warnings: swearing, but over all Bucky fluff

Taglist:

@evyiione

___________________________________________________________

I really didn’t get this.  The Avengers are going around from shop to shop frantically like chickens with their heads cut off.  The tower has been decorated from head to toe with lights and a large tree in every. Single. Room including the bathrooms.  The reason because of this? Well it was the Christmas season once again.

Ever since we had been found and rehabilitated from HYDRA, Bucky and I have stuck to each other like glue, we’re like brother and sister.  But the difference between him and me is that he got to experience Christmas before Hydra, I didn’t.  I was created from a test tube and brought to life by science to become HYDRA’s perfect weapon to train and work along side by side with the Winter Soldier.

Bucky was the only one kind enough to me in our days with Hydra.  Whenever I was sad and needed a friend, when no one was looking, Bucky was there. Even though he only spoke a few words, they were first words of kindness I had ever received.

Anyways back to what I was discussing earlier, this Christmas thing.  Due to all my days in Hydra, I never got to experience Christmas or any other holiday for that matter but everyone seems to really make a big deal with Christmas.

I was currently sitting in the gathering room on the sofa going through my phone about what Christmas was really about when I heard Tony exclaim.

“Hey Mini-Barnes come help us with this”.  I quickly closed out of the internet and opened up a random app on my phone before standing up and walking up to Tony and Rhodey who were hanging up more mistletoe.

“How many of those do you really need?” I asked.

“Just enough to drive Rogers and your bro insane, or at least until Nat agrees to us at least one kiss under the mistletoe”. Tony stated.  I just looked at him confused.  Why would a plant that is poisonous be used to force people to kiss if they stood under it?

“Hand up that hammer and nail there (n/n)” Rhodey said.  I looked around to see it sitting there by the cabinet so I handed it up to Rhodey who passed it onto Stark who then proceeded to hammer the mistletoe up on the doorway.

I then decided to walk away into the kitchen only to see Wanda, Vision and Clint preparing a feast so large it could be for all of NY.

“Uhh guys what’s going on here?”

“We’ve been put in charge of the Christmas dinner”. Stated Wanda.

“Do we really need that much food though?”

“It’s part of the tradition to make a big feast, plus you can blame Stark for wanting so much food since he invited over 300 people for the party”. Said Clint.  I just nodded along then I left the kitchen to seek the one room that I knew that would be busy with activity. 

My room. 

I sat along on my bed looking up articles on Christmas, looked up all the Christmas stories to try and find what this season was all about but all that I found was that people get deals on merchandise and all about some figure named Santa Clause.

“(Y/n)!” I let out a scream and there I saw Bucky standing by the doorway. 

“Damnit Bucky don’t do that!”

“Sorry little sis but I’ve been calling you for the past five minutes, didn’t you hear me?”

“Sorry I guess I didn’t”.  Having been with me for so many years, practically raised me he picked up on when something was wrong.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine”.

“No you’re not. Come on (n/n) I know you, better than anyone else, so come on tell me what’s going on?”

“I—I don’t wanna talk about it right now”. Bucky sighed then he said.

“Alright, but you know you can always tell me anything right?” I nodded then he brought me in a one armed hug as he continued, “Whenever you’re ready, come on downstairs. The party will start in a couple of hours”. I nodded then with a final kiss to my cheek, Bucky stood up and walked out of my room.

Soon I heard Christmas music booming throughout the tower and thanks to my enhanced hearing I could hear people starting to come in.  I curled myself into a ball and buried myself within my covers and let the tears run down my face.

I feel so lost.  I don’t get why I’m suddenly thrust into being a part of this holiday when I don’t even know the first thing about Christmas.  I was created from a fucking test tube! I wasn’t taught anything other than to kill a person or grab Intel from a hard-drive of a computer.  Why can’t I grasp what this holiday is truly about?

I let out some choked sobs before I began weeping hysterically alone and ashamed of myself. 

*Bucky’s POV*

I looked all around for (y/n) but I couldn’t find her anywhere.  I scanned through the entire room that already had 200 people and not everyone was even here yet. Really Stark did you have to invite all of New York to this party? Why not also invite California and Texas as well and hell while you’re at it invite DC too.

I soon came to the bar where Steve, Nat and Sam were at.

“You doin okay there Buck?” asked Steve.

“Well not really, have any of you seen (y/n)?”

“You mean your little sidekick?” asked Sam.

“I’m serious Icarus I’m starting to get worried, especially after our conversation earlier”.

“What happened?” asked Natasha.

“She seemed a little sad, but she wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. I tried to get her to tell me without forcing her so much but she told me she was fine. Now I’m starting to regret not trying hard enough to get her to tell me”.

“Hold on, I think I know someone who can help,” Nat then pulled her watch and pressed a button and said, “Friday?”

‘Yes Miss Romanoff?’

“Locate (y/n) Barnes for me please”.

‘Miss Barnes is locked in her bedroom. I’m sensing levels of sadness and depression in her vitals’.  We looked at each other worriedly then without a second thought, I immediately took off towards the elevator and pressed the button for mine and (y/n)’s level.  Once the elevator dinged, I didn’t give it time to fully open as I literally ripped the doors open and ran towards her room before knocking on her door.

“(Y/n)! (Y/n) are you alright!?”

‘Go away Bucky’ I heard her say.

“Not this time. I walked away from you earlier I’m not gonna do it again now open the door before I knock it down!”  There was silence for a brief moment when I heard her say.

‘Friday unlock the door’. I then heard the locks unlock and I opened the door to see a bundle under the covers.  I slowly walked up to her and sat down beside her and pressed my hand to the covers and rubbed it soothingly.

“(Y/n) what’s wrong? And don’t give me any ‘I’m fine’ bullshit, I want to truth. Please (n/n) you’re my little sister and it kills me to see you in this much pain when I know there has to be something I can do to help”.

*1st POV*

Hearing Bucky say those things made me feel even more guilty for making him worry so much about me even though I read that this isn’t a time of the year to worry about things like that.  God I am such a disgrace to this Christmas holiday.I removed the covers and sat up and finally confessed.

“I don’t—I don’t know what I’m doing”.

“What do you mean?”

“Christmas Bucky! I don’t get it. Ever since Thanksgiving I have been researching about Christmas and what it was but I still don’t get it! The big parties, the presents, the decorations I don’t understand!! You know I was made from a test tube and now here I am suddenly thrown into this holiday that I don’t get! You experienced Christmas before Hydra got you but I never have and I HATE IT!!! I HATE NOT KNOWING WHAT THIS SO CALLED FESTIVE HOLIDAY IS SUPPOSE TO MEAN WHEN I NEVER GOT TO EXPERIENCE ANYTHING HAPPY IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!” I sniffled and turned away from Bucky as more tears fell down my face.

“Hey, hey, Sora Mea no, no calm down, calm down, calm down, hey shhhh, shhhh. It’s okay, it’s okay”. Bucky stated as he brought me into his arms and rocked me back and forth.

“No it’s not…..I ruined everything”.

“No, no, no, no, no, no shhhh, shhh.” Bucky rubbed my back soothingly. “You didn’t ruin anything (y/n). No one can blame you for not knowing what Christmas is. I guess I was so caught up in being back into the Christmas season I wasn’t paying attention to how you were taking this. You had to experience so many new things already this past few months that when the biggest holiday of all came around, I didn’t prepare you for what to expect”.

“He’s right”. We both turned around to see the rest of the team standing there. Steve then came up and sat down on my other side as he said.

“Christmas these days have become such a big craze that we didn’t have enough time to see what was happening with you. We’re sorry we made you feel so lost in all the insanity (y/n). We would never do that to you intentionally”.

“I know” I choked out.

“So what do you say we give you a Christmas 101 lesson by starting off slow and then working our way up to the big stuff?” stated Natasha.

“But what about the party?”

“Taken care of sent them all home but promised them VIP tickets to the New Year’s Eve ball drop party and that I would be hosting it” Tony said.

“You sure this is okay with you guys? I mean I hate that I have to make you guys miss out on a party you have planned since November”.

“(N/n) you’re way more important than some stupid party, you can plan hundreds of those and have them whenever. But there is only one first Christmas and I’d hate to know that your first Christmas was you sitting up here alone crying while the rest of us were having fun” Tony said as he walked up to me and softly ruffled my hair.  I let out a soft smile and said.

“You guys are the best”.

“We know, now then who’s up for a little Christmas schooling?” I was then picked up by both Steve and Bucky as we all headed downstairs for our own private Avengers Christmas party.

There I was taught how to make Gingerbread houses with Clint, Vision, Bruce and Wanda.  Sam, Rhodey, Natasha and Tony taught me how to make traditional eggnog. While Steve and Bucky taught me the true meaning of Christmas that it wasn’t all about the gifts or parties, but being surrounded by the people you love and care about.  The one time of the year where all the world sees eye to eye and see each other as Brothers and sisters to all.  That there will be peace on Earth and Good will towards men.

By the end of the night, we were all huddled up in the theater room watching Christmas movie marathons and I fell asleep on Bucky’s chest as we watched “The Santa Clause” and as I slowly began to fall to dream world, I heard Bucky whisper in my ear as I felt him wrap a blanket around me.

“Merry Christmas (y/n)”.

“Merry Christmas Bucky”.

[rainraisins]

Dear Journal, Here is a Boring Infodump

Journal 2

I have no idea what to write in this journal exactly, so here is a collection of random thoughts I want to say for some reason.

1. Sometimes I wish people would talk about countries other than the US, the UK or Australia on international news. I’m very happy your various causes are being supported, but I just find I’ve come to a very dry acceptance that barely anything from the Philippines ever gets talked about here. Takes a bit for me to be angry, but the pandemic has pushed me more into frustration somehow. So now I actually feel somewhat irritated enough about it to write it here.

2. I feel stressed from 2020, and the New Year hasn’t changed that much. But I guess that’s not that different from everyone else here. Hmm, well I’m no great speaker who can give you an emotional speech, but I figured I can offer solutions where people can just give encouragement (which I still appreciate, mind you, not being great at stuff like this.) So I suggest looking up resource sites and search terms like. . . 

A. Psychology Today

B. Verywell Mind

C. Relaxing music/Nature sounds/ASMR

D. Relaxation techniques

E. Anxiety/Depression apps list

F. CBT/ACT/DBT

E. Affirmations

F. Motivational Quotes

G. List of Anxiety, Depression, and Stress Management blogs

H. Greater Good in Action

I. Free Science of Happiness university course on Edx

J. 7 Cups of Tea - a site to vent anonymously in live chats to volunteer listeners, if you don’t want to volunteer yourself.

K. Grounding techniques -- great if you feel numb or dissociated.

L. Mindfulness techniques list

M. Journaling prompts

N. Thought Traps

O. Stand up comedy / jokes

P. Random online fun facts, or researching random info you’re curious about. Look up sites to learn new things, or educational Youtube channels for example. 

Q. Spirituality resources, if this helps you.

R. Looking up famous people for role models.

S. Watching dominoes falling videos.

T. Listening to jazz, lofi music or classical music does it for me. I enjoyed the Lofi series for fantasy stuff on Youtube. “Lofi music for ghosts.” “Lofi music for witches.” “Lofi music for vampires.” “Lofi music for mermaids.” It has such a mix of sci fi and fantasy elements with the electronic music playing this type of music, but oh well. 

U. Looking at art. There are free online museums even if you look. I like the Youtube channels Drawfree and Chloe Art though. That or creating your own art. 

V. Watching Film reviews. Like on the Take (Screenprism) on Youtube, Nerdwriter1, Wisecrack, The Film Theorists, and more.

W. Looking up a list of personal development blogs online, and just searching through them for random advice.

X. Watching cute animals, and other cute stuff online.

Y. Joining one of those depression or mental health forums online, maybe a general one or focused on a specific mental health issue.

Z. Reading books, of course. 

3. I’d say if you want to know a bit more about my therapy history for some context. . . well, I have dysthymia, which is a type of mild depression, but it takes a longer period of time to be diagnosed than major depression. That is, more than 2 years. GAD or General Anxiety Disorder. It’s not a mental illness as people imagine, (It’s a neurodevelopmental condition, which is an intellectual, not emotional difference. Though of course emotional illnesses can happen with it), and I’m on the autism spectrum. Specifically twice exceptional (Giftedness + neurodiversity condition), which is apparently the more polite way to say it than savant. I’m not stressed much about it though. Filipinos, at least here in the city in Manila, don’t bully much around neurodiversity types like autism, ADHD, dyslexia or anything about that. 

This country has a lot of problems, but ableism doesn’t seem to be one of them, from my personal experience. Just know if I sound a bit rude from my directness, I’m trying my best. I’m bisexual and non binary, though that personally wasn’t much of a problem growing up in Metro Manila, the Filipino capital, which is the most liberal of the Philippines. Not sure why in places like the US or the UK, the situation seems worse, but I don’t know much enough to comment. The middle class to upper class in the Philippines tends to be more liberal than the poor or working class, which is strangely the opposite in America, I hear? Not that there was 0% no bullying, whether by people my age or adults, but people are generally just casually supportive. It might help though that while I prefer them/they pronouns, I don’t mind being called both he or she much. Why am I depressed and why for so long? Not sure. I have a lot of accomplishments and talents with giftedness, but I just. . . don’t seem happy that much. (Look up Dabrowski’s overexcitablities or the Your Rainforest Mind blog for more mental health info with giftedness.) 

4. I’m not suicidal or anything, but the world just seems to be somewhat grayscale all the time. Would be nice if I was a bit more enthusiastic about this, but oh well. I am more depressed than I am anxious. I am definitely “sad”, but I don’t seem to get as much anxious as other people. I definitely am often nervous, but I don’t scare as easily as most? Guess that’s why I’ve been watching horror games on Youtube, with Markiplier’s 3 scary games playlist. I don’t know why, but in small doses, horror games are a release. I feel so numb, but instead of doing something harmful like self harm or something else, horror just. . . makes me feel alive somehow. Both excited, afraid and full of thrill. I feel in a way, a lot of suppressed fears come to the surface, like letting tears flow out, but for anxiety instead of sadness. 

5. I feel like I have a life of extremes. Full of a lot of big accomplishments, and big problems tied all together. In some ways I am discriminated. In other ways I am disadvantaged. When people talk about privilege or minorities and stuff, I just get confused how I should see myself. But oh well. I guess. . . that’s just depression for you. A bit unpleasant both parties of those extremes seem to be fighting a lot though, which is a lot more uncomfortable to watch if you ask me. Not sure how to describe it. I can’t seem to see both sides in an us vs them standpoint, where one side is 100% my allies and the other side is 100% my enemies, but oh well. 

6. I am aware from a rational standpoint, I have many strengths, but my depression doesn’t seem to realize that much. So while I describe how my emotions feel, know that I’ve had enough therapy to see the situation logically, which makes things somewhat better, but doesn’t stop the emotions entirely for some reason.

[parasocialpod]

Buzz Feed, LMFT: Our New Marriage Counselor - Transcript

Follow along with the episode here if you’d like to!

Alex: If you haven't heard about Anchor, it's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. It's free, there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer, and Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many more. You can even make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership. It's everything that you need to make a podcast in one place. So download the free Anchor app, or go to anchor.fm to get started.  

[Intro music]

Alex: Hi, I'm Alex.

Nick: And I'm Nick.

Alex: And this is Ice Cream Parasocial, the podcast that talks about as many different topics as there are flavors of ice cream.

Nick: Hell yeah. Uh, so a couple of quick updates: We're now on Apple podcasts! So if you've liked the show so far, please go over there if you have the ability to, go over there give us a five star rating. If you hated it give us a one star rating, I guess. Let us know what we're doing awful. [laughs]

Alex: If you hated it, then give us a five star rating and tell us what we're doing awful.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Um, it's reverse psychology. It really... [laughs] it-it'll still work out really well.

Nick: Right, um, and just because there was a little bit of confusion when we did post that we were finally on Apple podcasts; We are also on Anchor, Spotify, Breaker, Google Podcasts, Overcast, Pocket Casts, Radio Public, and we'll soon be on Stitcher. I'm still waiting on them to get back to me about having us on there but I've submitted all of the info.  

Alex: And we also have um, transcripts up on Tumblr.

Nick: Oh yeah! That's right! You made a Tumblr, I forgot about that.

Alex: Yeah, so like check out any and all of those things that you would like. Uh... what if we just started doing the thing like, um, like Justin Bieber did promoting "Yummy"?

Nick: [Snorts, then cackles]

Alex: [Laughing] Just like, give us a five star rating on Apple Podcasts! Um, also download a VPN. [Laughs] Get us to the top of the charts. If you live in another country download a VPN and set it to the United States. Put us on repeat while you sleep. [Laughs]

Nick: Yeah. So, if you could just make a couple of different accounts on Spotify?

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: You know, change your gender every single time, make it make sure that it seems like it's a totally different person and just totally fuck up our analytics. But it's fine.

Alex: Yeah, we appeal to everyone.

Nick: We appeal to everyone. Um... [laughs] [diabolically] Yummy!

Both: [Laughs]

Nick: Um... but, yeah we've been getting really, really good feedback so far. I'm so amazed that anybody is listening to this, and that anybody actually enjoys it.

Alex: Yeah, God, me too.

Nick: And I'm really amazed that people are saying the things that I wanted them to say, too.

Alex: Yeah. Honestly.

Nick: You know? 'Cause what I really wanted this to be was as if we were just kind of hanging out with people, y'know? I really wanted it to be that it was like we were just friends hanging out at somebody's house and just kind of like, talkin', and that's literally the feedback that I've gotten back is just like... "Oh yeah I listened to your podcast! It was so cool! It felt like you guys are just there chattin'," and I'm like, "Oh, yes!"

Alex: I know!

That made me so happy! And also I uh, in my most recent therapy session, I told my therapist about the podcast [laughs] and he really liked the name, and that bought me a lot of-- that was just like, a nice hit of dopamine, you know? [laughs]

Nick: I know, now every time that I hear somebody even say the word parasocial I'm like "That's my word!"

Alex: That's the word!

Nick: [laughs] Um, but yeah,,  episode sounds different-- hopefully it sounds better I put a lot of work into this, but, for the first couple of episodes we were in the closet and--

Alex: [laughs] For the first couple of episodes we were straight.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh it's actually kind of fitting that we came out of the closet for this episode.

Right?

[laughing]

Nick: But yeah we've been sitting in the closet and Alex and I both have issues with heat and it was so hot. So, you may have noticed towards the end of the last couple of episodes where it just kind of started to fall apart, that was because we were starting to die of heat stroke. But now we're out in the living room. Um, hopefully there's not too too much noise. We live on our really busy street and it's a really straight street that people love to go drag racing on.

Alex: Yeah, when we first moved in, we would like make jokes about that and just be like "Ah, people are drag racing again!" And then I downloaded Nextdoor and it turns out that it's like a literal documented like legal issue.-- [laughs]

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: It was people like illegal street racing on our street. Which is hilarious, by the way, because I um I telecommute and I have a job that is traditionally downtown. None of my coworkers downtown have the audio issues that I do, and we live in like the suburbs.

Nick: Right.

Alex: But it's a delight.

Nick: Yeah. I just heard someone go by on the other street and it's just...

Alex: It's fine.

Nick: Like, I think we should probably, if somebody goes by, keep in one for this episode just so that you can like... understand.

Alex: So you know what we go through.

Nick: But also since we're out in the living room and not holded up in the closet, we've got all of our pets with us!

Alex: Yes!

Nick: And so, you might hear us yell at one of them or--

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh god.

Nick: Or you might hear somebody making some noise. We'll try to keep it out, but, you know. Um, I guess just so that you know who they are, if we say one of their names; we've got-- we've got four. We've got two dogs and two cats. The dogs are Winston and Roxie. Winston is a rough Collie and he's four years old now. Um, and he's the baby. Roxie is 10 and she's a beagle terrier mix--

Alex: And she is a, I dunno, like a 52 year old woman on the inside, perhaps?

Nick: Yeah. She's, she's a cranky old lady.

Alex: Yeah. Like I have a secret theory-- or not a secret theory. I have a theory that she was like body swapped.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Like she is in like a Disney movie or something and she was like a professional woman, or something. Except you ended up finding her and adopting her, and now she lives in Oregon and she can't get back home to her family, and she just said fuck it. Because she went--

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: She underwent like no character change like she was supposed to. Like her "Freaky Friday" did not work. [laughs]

Nick: That's... very accurate.

Um, and then the cats we've got Rupert who is... 17?

Alex: Damn near. Yeah, he's turning 17 this October.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, he was 13 for like three years. And then I finally pointed out to Alex that he had been 13 for a couple of years, so now I just don't know how old he is.

Alex: Yeah... yeah I had to pretty much look it up because he was named after like a "Survivor" contestant. So I had to like find out how old he was by looking up the "Survivor" contestant and like the season of "Survivor" that that person was on,

Nick: [laughing]

Alex: which was 2003, so. [laughs]

Nick: And then finally, we have Ony, who is also 10? 10 to 12.

Alex: [laughs] She's like um, she's like uh... KO from "O.K. KO"

Nick: [unintelligible]

Alex: [laughing] She's-- She's-- 5 to 11.

Nick: Yeah... she's an enigma. She's sleeping on the table here, and if we try to get her to get off she immediately jumps back up, so she's just here. If you hear snoring, it's her.

Alex: It's fine.

Nick: Well, if you hear snoring it's her or Roxie.

Alex: Or Winston.

Nick: Yeah, but Roxie snores like an old man.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: She could be in a different apartment and you'd still hear [mimics loud snoring]

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh lord.

Nick: So those are our pets! If you hear us talking about them that's who they are. Um, hopefully they don't make too too much noise but also hopefully they do come and visit, because [chuckles]

Alex: Yeah, they're pretty cute!

Nick: I want them to come say hi. Um. But yeah, hopefully this episode sounds good because I really don't want to go back in the closet. [laughs]

Alex: Right. Out and proud, baby!

Nick: Says every queer person ever: [whining] "I don't wanna go back!"

Alex: Yeah, it's way more comfortable in the living room. I get to sit on the couch.

Nick: Right. I get to sit not on the floor. I think the floor was really fucking up my back like extra bad. But anyways, um, into what this episode actually is--

Alex: Yes!

Nick: Um...

Alex: So speaking of being out of the closet: Nick and I are married!

Nick: We are.

Alex: Surprise! [laughs]

Nick: Right. Uh, contrary to popular belief we are not brothers.

Alex: [groans]

Nick: Um, I really debated ever saying that in the podcast because I know in the future it's going to come back and bite me in the ass, but--

Alex: I know. Like please, if we ever become popular by any sort of like-- I am begging you, like this is like not a bit, like jokes leave the room.

Nick: Right.

Alex: [laughing] Please do not make that a meme.

Nick: Right. Please do not make it a meme that we're brothers. We're not. I hate it so much. [laughs]

Alex: I got contact lenses because people kept thinking we were related. Dude, I love wearing glasses, I hate contacts so much. And I got contact lenses when we lived in Indiana because people kept thinking we were brothers.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: That was like the only thing that stopped it.

Nick: Yeah! I don't know why!

Alex: It was fucked.

Nick: I'm just like... what, two white guys that are both five foot four and a little chubby can't also wear glasses and not be brothers? [laughs]

Alex: Right! Literally, it's like they just abhorred the thought of somebody being gay so much that their brain is just like "Oh God, Um, are you r-related?"

Nick: Yeah to the point that... um, I was with you for a doctor's appointment, and this lady in the elevator with us says nothing to us until she goes: "I've got twins at home!" And when I tell you I was confused--

[softly] Winston...

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Now's not the time. [laughs]

He's literally looking at me like "What do you mean now is not the time to dig at the carpet? What the hell?"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Um but yeah so this lady looks at us as just like "I've got twins at a home!" And we both looked at her like "Oh that's nice. That's cool?"

Alex: "Good for you?"

Nick: I think that you, I think that you straight up were just like "Oh that-- that's cool. That's cool. Nice."

Alex: "Neat."

Nick: And then she looked at us and she was like "Oh! Are you, are you not twins?!" And we were just like [quietly] "Oh my fucking God."

Alex: [groans]

Nick: "A- brothers?" And we're like "No ma'am."

Alex: No ma'am.

Nick: And as she gets out of the elevator I'm like "We're married."

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: And she turned so red that she almost turned purple. I like, when I think about it I get mad because I'm like who goes up to people and like just fully assumes that they're twins to the point that like you don't even ask if they are?

Alex: Right! That you're just like "I've got twins at home!"

Nick: Right, but then like seeing her turn that dark dark red I'm just like I embarrassed her enough that I can't be mad about it, but also like are you kidding me right now?

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: But I think that now that I've got long hair and you've got short hair and... like,

Alex: We have very different fashion styles.

Nick: And we're-- I think that our fashion styles were starting to kind of become the same around that time, too. But now I'm kind of um edging back into a new goth phase, and you're like edging a lot more into like a kind of colorful more femme-y phase, people are like "Oh yeah no they're gay, I can tell."

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh, thank God. Like we're like every Tumblr post from like 2012 or whatever that was like,

Nick: Right!

Alex: I don't know like a like a probably haunted like black painted house next to like a pastel house

Nick: [laughing] Right?

Alex: And it's like get me a relationship like this! Like...

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Anyways! [ laughs]

Alex: Anyway!

Nick: That went off on a tangent and a half.

Alex: So our marriage [laughs]

Nick: So our marriage! Uh we're coming up on our two year anniversary. When this comes out, it'll be the day of or the day after, we're not totally sure.  Um... but, we're coming up on our two year wedding anniversary and our five year dating anniversary. So I think it's about time to find out if we're actually a good couple or not!

Alex: Right, And who better to ask than Buzzfeed and astrology.

Nick: Mhmm!

Alex: [laughs] Okay, just before we get canceled by the astrology crowd I am not knocking astrology, and I love it!

Nick: Oh yeah, absolutely. It's definitely one of those things that I make fun of because I love it so much, you know? Where it's just like that's how I show my love is that I make fun of things.

Alex: Yeah, just ask me.

Nick: Like I... [chuckles] That's just how it is, you know? Uh, I mean, now don't take that-- If I make fun of somebody that's like doing terrible things I'm not making fun of them because I love them I'm making fun of them because they're an asshole.

Alex: Oh yeah!

Nick: Um...

Alex: You can tell the difference.

Nick: You can, absolutely But for the most part I tend to make fun of things that I genuinely do love and I really do love astrology and tarot and all of that stuff I think that it's really neat. And I think that it is... it is something that I have gone to for guidance, being somebody that isn't um, strictly any kind of religious um... and it's definitely helped me get through some stuff. And so I feel like I have a right to make fun of it. [laughs]

Alex: Oh yeah, absolutely. Absolutely! Same here.

Nick: As someone that has spent hours and hours and hours reading things about it, very seriously. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah! Oh yeah, me too. As somebody that has definitely more than once called to you from the other room and been like "Fucking Astro Matrix has got me again! Who is spying on me at Astro Matrix?"

Nick: [whining] "The cards called me out!"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: "God, can you believe that-- what this card just fucking said to me?"

Alex: [whining] "Baaaabe, God..."

Nick: Yeah, so our... our first quiz is uh gonna make or break our relationship. It's called "We know if you've cheated in your relationship based on how much you like these nail designs."

Alex: Alright, I am shaking.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: 'Cause like personally, I know that I haven't. But apparently Buzzfeed knows more about me than I do, so like if I sleep walked or something...

Nick: [laughing] If you sleep cheated?

Alex: [laughing] If I sleep cheated or something, I'm going to find out!

Nick: I mean, let's be real, I'm a lot more likely to have sleep cheated.

Alex: Oh yeah, that's true. You do a lot of shit in your sleep.

Nick: I am so amazed that I haven't woken up outside before.

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: Because I will be in bed and wake up in the kitchen. And like... I-I-It's genuinely kind of scary sometimes where I'm just like-- I'll wake up not only in the kitchen, but halfway through a sandwich.

Alex: Yeah, like I can have a whole conversation with you sometimes.

Nick: Yeah! Like I'll walk out of the bedroom and you'll still be awake doing something, and you'll just be like "Hey hon. What's going on?" And I'll say something. And then the next morning you'll be like "Oh yeah like we talked about that thing last night!" I'm like "No we fucking did not!"

Alex: [chuckling] You did not talk to ME about it.

Nick: Right!

Alex: You talked to whatever entity occupies my body after I fall asleep, but...

Nick: Right! I'm just like I know that I have bad memory, but it's not that bad. And we did not speak last night, I passed out at this time and then I was done. You're just like "N-n-no, you woke up at 2:00 AM and started talking jibberish." And I'm like "No I didn't."

Alex: "You started speaking in tongues, and I--"

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Um... but yeah. So I am a lot more likely if-- if sleep cheating's a thing I probably have done it. And I guess Buzzfeed is about to tell me if I've sleep cheated.

Alex: All right, let's find out.

Nick: [chuckles] So, what it says: "Our rules are simple. Use the sliding scale to rate each nail look. Thumbs down emoji means you really dislike the design, shrugging emoji means you neither hate it or love it, and 2 fire emojis mean that you absolutely love it."

Alex: All right!

Nick: Um... so the very, very first one is short, square nails that are painted like an off white?

Alex: Yeah, kind of like a matte.

Nick: Yeah, like a matte off white. I like them.

Alex: I'm... kind of into them, I-- Hmm, I don't know. I wouldn't really use them for myself so I'm going to put like a little bit-- I don't know I'm going to say maybe like 45%.

Nick: [chuckles] Okay. Nails... Nail set number 2! Is another short kind of boxy cut and they've got what is it like Chevron? Chevron, yeah?

Alex: Yeah, I'd say that that's like Chevron.

Nick: Okay, cool. So yeah, so it's like a Chevron pattern and there's a turquoise triangle and then like a purple-y one and then a pink one. And then the index and pinky fingers are both gold with sparkles on top of the turquoise triangle. [quietly] I don't like it.

Alex: I really like these.

Nick: [snorts] I can tell that a lot of work went into them, so I appreciate them, but I don't like them.

Alex: Yeah this was absolutely a look that I would very much wear. I'm going to say like full like 90%, I like them a lot.

Nick: Yeah I'm at like 40%, I think. 'Cause I appreciate the hard work that went into it. Like it's very well done,

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: But I just don't like the colors.

Alex: That is totally fair.

Alright, number three: We've got kind of like lengthier nails with kind of like an oval tip, perhaps?  Um that's kinda like a French manicure, maybe?

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Um... where the bottom is kind of like a natural, like the nail, nail is kinda like a natural kind of pinky color. And then the like manicure tip is um kind of like an oceanic sort of vibe um kind of like almost a shell pattern? It's pictured next to some shells and it's like blue and purple.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: I don't really like these very much.

Nick: Yeah, this is another one where I'm like I can tell that a lot of work went into this but I just don't like it. But I like it better than the last ones.

Alex: That's so funny. Yeah I am going to go for like 20% because I feel like a lot of work went into them but I--I don't know.

Nick: I just do not vibe.

Alex: I just do not vibe with these very much. This does not pass the vibe check.

Nick: Yeah, I'm like a little bit over halfway with it. I'm just like, I... I can see why somebody would like them, but I don't.

Alex: That's fair!

Nick: Uh, the next one is that Stiletto? Stiletto nail? Th--The sharp-y one?

Alex: Yeah I'd say--

Nick: The sharp-y one. [chuckles] Um and it's that same kind of French tip thing where there's a natural on the nail, and then... the-- it's honestly a lot like the last one,

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: But it's a little bit more of a turquoise blue and it's a stiletto nail.

Alex: Yeah... I don't know what's so different about this one that it's like doing it for me?

Nick: Right, I like this one a lot more.

Alex: I'm gonna go like 75%, I liked this guy.

Nick: Yeah, I'm about the same.

Alex: [quietly] Ooh, I like these motherfuckers!

Nick: Oh, the next ones?

Alex: Yeah It's kinda like a um, sorta like a grass pattern. It's like a kind of like a matte white base with various colors of green stripes painted over them, sort of like a grass texture.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: I really like these shits. I'm going to go like fully 90%. I would rock these.

Nick: Yeah, they're... it--It's really frustrating because up close I really, really like it, but I can definitely see it being a little bit further away and looking God awful.

Alex: Oh that's a good point

Nick: So I'm at like 75%.

Alex: That's a good point. Yeah, I'm going to knock it down too. 'Cause I feel like now that I think about holding them like, at arm's length I'm like Oh that might look not... fabulous.

Nick: Right... [chuckles] hashtag not fab!

Alex: Hashtag not fab.

Nick: What if we just... What if we started just a nail podcast--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: where we just described nails and we just either "These are hashtag fab" or "These are hashtag not fab"

Alex: [laughs] A nail podcast except we never actually learn any of the like technical terms. And it's like exactly this level of skill.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: It's just like "I don't know It's like a nail, and it's kind of square on the end."

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: "Uh..."

Nick: Just "Ah, this--these ones are like they're like long but they're not too long... um, and they're like.... [sighs] you know?"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: "I'm going to say that they're hashtag not fab. Next!" [laughs]

Alex: "Next!"

That's so funny.

Nick: Uh, so the real next one is a squared off long nail and it's orange and it has black and white speckles towards the base of the nail except for the pinky nail where it goes all the way up. I feel like they'd be cool for Halloween?

Alex: Yeah...

Nick: But nothing else.

Alex: Yeah... 'cause I feel like I like it for this specific shot. But then I think about having them and it gives me a little panic attack thinking about doing anything practical.

Nick: Yeah, they're just beyond that length of practicality.

Alex: Yeah. Where it's like I'm not one of those people that's like I would never wear anything that's like impractical but it's like they're not cute enough for me to [chuckles] to commit to that. So I'm going to go like full middle, I think.

Nick: Yeah, I'm a little bit below the middle.

Alex: This next look is just straight up gold nails, and I do this look a lot. So I'm going to go like full a hundred percent 'cause that'd be a hypocrite if I didn't. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I'm at like 90 I, I think that they're really classic but they're also very shiny.

Alex: They're very shiny.

Nick: I feel like... so the way that this picture is taken is the person is holding gold tinsel, and it's just a lot of gold like that. So I feel like seeing it with the outfit that the person was wearing might make it-- might make me feel a little better? It also just the way that that it's painted looks like these nails got photo-shopped on--

Alex: Yeah it kinda does!

Nick: Which also makes me feel like... or like they did um face tuning to their nails 'cause there's no wrinkles.

Alex: [laughing] Oh God. Yeah, you've got a good-- ugh.

Nick: [quickly] Moving on! Uh,

Alex: [disgusted] Oh, mm... mm-mm.

Nick: Okay These next ones are elaborate

Alex: These are fucking rad! And 100%. I love it. You don't have I mentioned the thing where I'm just like I won't ever necessarily be like "Oh yeah these are impractical, so I wouldn't do it. And it has to be like cool as hell for me to commit to that." This is-- this is that. 'Cause it's like um it's kind of almost like frosted glass cause it's not quite matte and not quite glossy but it's sort of like...

Nick: The base is white, and there's like a yellow half circle at the base of the fingernail, And then it's got that-- It's a short stiletto cut.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Um, and th-the tip of it is blue it's another, it's another turquoise one. And then there's a bunch of rhinestones in the middle with a bunch of little decorations on them.

Alex: Kind of like a clockwork-y sort of design kind of like a clockwork sort of gemstone...

Nick: Yeah!

Alex: Sorta look.

Nick: And this one's clearly like very intricate, and I very much appreciate it.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: So I'm also going with like 100%. This is awesome.

Alex: Dope.

Nick: I'm really mad at how serious we're being about this. Just like "Oh no no no listen."

Alex: I know! Like I kind of forgot about like what the quiz was about...

Nick: [laughing] I know!

Alex: Now I'm just like in it I'm like "Oh fuck yeah"

Nick: Just "Mm yeah, these nails are not fab."

Alex: These nails? Not fab.  

Nick: THESE nails? Hashtag fab.

Alex: Hashtag fab!

Nick: [chuckles] Um, the next ones... they have a lot going on.  

I don't like them.

Alex: I would like them if the... okay. So, it's kind of like a... the base, base of most of the nails are kind of like a baby pink. Um, and there's like a gold accent across the pinky middle and index finger with like the kind of is like a gold ring almost.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Um and like a light like kind of almost muddy baby blue on the tip of the index and pinky finger. The middle finger is the same baby pink, and then the um ring and thumb are just sort of like a cacophony.

Nick: Yeah! They kind of look like--

Alex: It's like a grandma's couch.

Nick: Yeah! Like a really old like not Rattan couch, but like... woven couch?

Alex: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Nick: It looks like an old grandma couch on the thumb and the ring finger. Almost every single finger has a different pattern slash color on it, and it's just-- it's a lot.

Alex: Yeah... like I feel like there's something that's just like oddly stressful to me about this. And it's like, if every finger had a different texture, I would like it. If every finger like had the same texture, I would like it. But since it's so different in every aspect like even in the aspect of them all not being different like I'm like "Oh, I hate this. I hate this so much."

Nick: But it's frustrating because I can tell a lot of work went into it, but I hate it. So it just doesn't matter, because I hate it.

Alex: Yeah, same.

Nick: Um, the next one is short square cut nails um with a white background and painted on top on the middle finger is a little flamingo, and on the ring and pointer finger are some leaves and then the thumb and pinky are just plain white.

Alex: These are cute!

Nick: Yeah! I really like these. Like, it's another one where like from further away I can see them getting really muddied and kind of awkward looking. But these are nails that are very, very clearly not meant to be looked at from far away, because they're so detailed and so um, tiny.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: So, I still love them. This is so cool.

Alex: Yeah! I'm going with like an 85% 'cause like I definitely agree... No I'm going with like 90%.

Nick: Yeah I went with like 90, too.

Alex: Cause I feel like unlike the other ones um, which I feel like would kind of get muddy from a distance, these ones if you were like at a distance you could see that they were like something.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Whereas the other ones I might be like " Oh did you draw on yourself a little bit?"

Nick: [chuckles] "Oh what happened there, buddy?"

Alex: Yeah... Aww, these are kind of cute!

Nick: Oh, I think these  are really cute!

Alex: These are pretty cute, yeah.

Nick: Uh, so it's a clear base and each nail has a different part of a pink flower on it, with a little bit of green leaves. And it looks like the middle and ring fingers have the same picture but like cut in half, and then the other fingers have little buds of the flower on them...

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: And if this was hand painted then like I'm going to lose my mind, that's so cool. So I'm going to pretend that it's hand painted, because I don't want to break my own heart.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: So I'm giving it like 100%. It's two full flames.

Alex: I don't know, I just don't really like the clear bases very much.

Nick: That's, that's very fair. I understand that.

Alex: Oh yeah, I don't like this next one.

Nick: Which is so funny, because I kind of do.

Alex: I wonder which one of us cheated. [laughs]

Nick: Right! So the next one is um a pretty matte c-- almost clear base. It's one of those where it's not quite clear but it's meant to look clear. Um... and they're short nails and they have black french tips, and then on the middle and pinky finger-- this is the part that I don't like, at the very base there's like a half circle filled in with black. And that kind of just like it's like you got a bruised finger.

Alex: Yeah, that looks like you have an infection.  

Nick: I think that without those, I would like it a lot more.

Alex: Me too.

Nick: But because it has those

I'm going a little bit below the middle.

Alex: I'm like full thumbs down I hate that.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: It makes me so uncomfortable.

Nick: That is understandable. The next one is sparkly silver. They're kind of they're, they're not super long but they're just little bit long.

Alex: These are very party city to me.

Nick: They are very party city. And this is another one where it looks like they photo-shopped her fingers to not have any wrinkles on them. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah! What is with the sparkle nails?

Nick: That, that one gets a thumbs down, I don't like that one.

Alex: Yeah, this gets a thumbs down from me.

Nick: That one makes me uncomfortable.

Alex: Yeah, and I don't-- Okay. Again, I don't have anything wrong with like cheap shit I got my gold nail polish for like $2, I think. But I just do not like this like aesthetic very much.

Nick: No...

Alex: I kinda like these next ones, kind of into them. Because it's sort of like a traditional set of like red nails where the... index finger and pinky finger are um, kind of inverse colored from one another. one of them is black background white polka dots, one of them is white background black polka dots.

Nick: Yeah, I really like this one because it's cohesive.

Alex: Yeah I like this a lot.

Nick: The other ones where there were different designs on different nails, weren't super cohesive. But I feel like having most of the nails be that, that classic cherry red and then having a couple of um... stand out nails that are black and white I--I think that that looks really nice so that one's getting like a hundred percent from me, I love it.

Alex: Yeah, me too. These next ones I'm... into, but I feel like these are the nails that are gonna mean I cheated.

Nick: [ snorts]

Alex: I don't know why, I just am getting that vibe.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, well, the thing is I don't like these nails.

Alex: Oh!

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh, so, they're square cut just a little bit longer than the fingertips and they're pink?

Alex: They're like super pink.  

Nick: And then they've got black tips.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: And then--

Alex: Kind of like a gold cuticle.

Nick: Yeah, like a gold cuticle. I don't like the cuticle.

Alex: That's fair.

Nick: That's the part that just loses me, is when it's just that like little half circle just above the cuticle.

Alex: That's fair. Yeah, like it loses a few points for me for that...

Nick: And so I'm at like 20% it's almost a thumbs down, but not quite.

Alex: That's fair I feel like if it were brighter I would like it more, but just like... it's just another thing where it looks a little infected. Uh so I'm gonna give it like 60%.

Um and then our very last one!

Nick: Oh yeah.

Alex: Home stretch! We've got a pink index nail, a purple pinky nail, and a marbled pink purple white and black and kind of like gray Uh middle finger and ring finger. I really like this, I think that's cute.

Nick: I'm pretty-- I'm straight up in the middle about it. I think it's fine. I don't hate it I don't love it, it just is.

Alex: That is fair. These kind of give me a lot of like 2012 vibes.

Nick: Yeah, I think that that's kind of why I'm like "Eh, it's fine" is 'cause it definitely gives me like almost 10 year old fashion vibes

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: Um... and I'm just like eh it's not really for today, but I've definitely seen people with those nails.

Alex: Yeah. These nails are like a C plus for me, y'know.

Nick: Yeah. Are we ready to find out who cheated?

Alex: Alright. Okay.

Nick: Three,

Alex: Two,

Both: One.

Alex: [ laughs]

Nick: What'd you get?

Alex: " You've absolutely cheated before."

Nick: [Cackles] You motherfucker!

Alex: " Wow! The truth has come out [chuckles]. Based on your nail choices, we can say with absolute certainty that you have been dipping your toe outside the relationship."

Nick: [Snorts, then laughs]

Alex: [Holding back laughter] "We won't even ask for the juicy details, but just know that we know. Now-- [laughs] now, you might as well share this with your significant other to find out if they're guilty as well. Don't worry. We're right here for you."  So, how about you?

Nick: I... am so fucking mad at you. How could you do this to me?

Alex: [Laughing] Oh no.

Nick: How could you do this to us? [Sighs dramatically] I... have not cheated.

Alex: [ Laughs]

Nick: Ph...physically. [Mumbles] I haven't physically cheated.

Alex: [ Snort-laughs]

Nick: But they say that I've probably cheated emotionally.

Alex: That's so specific! [Laughing]

Nick: Yeah, that's literally what it says. "You haven't physically cheated, but you've probably cheated emotionally. Alright, so you've never done super sneaky things in a relationship. But you're definitely far from being wholesome."

Alex: What?! [Wheezing]

Nick: "In fact-- [chuckles] In fact, to some people you've committed the ultimate crime, worse than physical cheating: emotional cheating. But maybe you're a changed person now, and you're acting right. Or maybe not *squints eyes*. I don't even know what to say, but now I know your secret."

Alex: Oh my God!

Nick: So I guess we've both at least a little bit cheated.

Alex: Apparently. So we're on even...ish?

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: Ground.

Nick: We're on even-ish ground, but we probably shouldn't be together.

Both: [ Laughing]

 Nick: Um, well... I guess since uh, since we're leaving each other, it's time to do the Buzzfeed quiz of "Tell Me How You Like to Brunch, and I'll Tell You the Type of Romantic Partner You Need" since we're going to be moving on from eachother now.

Alex: No, we're not moving on!

Nick: Oh, okay. Well--

Alex: We'll just-- this is how we know what, uh, we need to be like, so that we won't need to cheat on each other anymore.

Nick: Oh okay. This is who we need to become.

Alex: This is who we need to become [chuckles].

Nick: So that we can stay together?

Alex: So that we can stay together. Cause like, we're quarantining together. So like, we can't go anywhere.

Nick: I have a car.

Alex: Oh yeah, I guess you're right.

Nick: I don't have a job, but I have a car.

Alex: Yeah, that's a good point.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: So the first one: "Let's start easy. When are you going to brunch? Saturday, Sunday, both days, or during the week?"

Alex: During the week, are you kidding me?

Nick: Uh yeah same, I don't go anywhere on the weekend.

Alex: Fuck the weekend, dude.

Nick: I hate weekends. I hate how many people are out. Even before... everything went down with pandemic shit.

Alex: Oh, yeah.

Nick: I hated the weekends.

Alex: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And like... obvious, but like, this is outside of COVID times. We would not go to brunch at all during...

Nick: No.

Alex: Cause, if this was during COVID times, and this is brunch at home which is any time I feel like it.

Nick: Right. I think we're literally planning on having brunch for dinner tonight, so.

Alex: Literally.

Nick: It's all good.

Alex: Vegan French toast. Vegan challah French toast. Homemade challah. What's up.

Nick: That's right. I'm so excited.

Alex: I know, me too.

Nick: Okay, we need to get this done.

Alex: Yes.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Uh... "What time are you going to brunch? As soon as the restaurant opens, around 11:00 AM, around 1:00 PM, or around 3:00, that's still brunch, right?"

Alex: Um... I feel like we're either the type of people that we're like-- or I guess like we were doing this like, independently.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Yeah, I feel like I prefer like, as soon as the restaurant opens, again because people.

Nick: Right. I... I don't like waking up that early. So, I'm going to say 1:00, cause I feel like that's usually when people start to kinda stop being there, like it's right before lunch rush.

Alex: That is a good point.

Nick: So I'm going to go with that. "Are you getting anything to drink?"

Alex: Mmm.

Nick: "Mimosas, maybe an alcoholic drink, coffee, tea, et cetera, or 'I'll stick with water?'"

Alex: Coffee, tea, et cetera.

Nick: Uh, I'm going to stick with water. Water is great. That's how you can tell that you're a real adult, is when you choose water.

Alex: Water is great, but also, if they have like, a fancy coffee?

Nick: Oh yeah, I guess if they have a fancy coffee.

Alex: Yeah. If they have like a fancy coffee or like complimentary coffee.

Nick: Mmmmm.

Alex: Either end of the coffee scale.

Nick: Yeah, okay, I'm going to go with coffee, you got me.

Alex: [Chuckles]

Nick: Uh, "What are you ordering from the menu? Something very breakfast related like eggs, toast, granola, et cetera, something more hearty like steak, ham, et cetera, uh, something light like a salad, or honestly a combination of things".

Alex: Ah... I'm going to go very breakfast related, I think.

Nick: Yeah, I feel like every time that I have quote unquote brunch it's really just late breakfast.

Alex: Oh yeah, same.

Nick: And so it really confuses me when people do, uh, literally anything else. I'm like, it's breakfast!

Alex: Right?

Nick: Bitch!

Alex: I'm just like, why would you go to brunch and order lunch?

Nick: Right? Just go to lunch.

Alex: Right? Like, just go to lunch!

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: If you go to brunch and get a salad, I'm sorry, we cannot-- I guess we can be friends, like, eh, dietary habits are whatever, but just know that you are weak.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Uh, "Pick a food that speaks to your soul." Uh, there's a picture of... eggs on toast and... potatoes?

Alex: It looks like some mozzarella and like uh... some like fresh mozzarella... and like a...

Nick: I dunno, it's not that important.

Alex: Eh, it's some potatoes.

Nick: Um, and then there's an omelet, and then there's pancakes, and then there's one for the alcoholics: "none of these, bring me more drinks".

Alex: These pancakes...

Nick: Yeah, those pancakes look really good. And also... I'm vegan. [chuckles]

Alex: [ Snorts] Uh, yeah. I'm vegan...??

Nick: So the eggs... I don't-- well, I guess that there are vegan eggs.

Alex: Yeah. Like, you could imagine that they're vegan. Or like whatever the vegan equivalent might be.

Nick: Mmmm.

Alex: Like a tofu scramble, or something. Or not a tofu scramble, but like, you know.

Nick: Yeah. In that case, I'm going to go with the first one that's got potatoes and stuff, actually. I don't like having that much sugar.

Alex: Yeah, that's fair.

Nick: Um... "How sacred is brunch to you?" Uh, I don't care about any of these answers. That-- I don't give a shit. It's fine.

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: Brunch is cool. That's the answer that I...

Alex: Brunch is a great experience.

Nick: Brunch is cool. And that was the last one. And so I got: "you need someone who likes to laugh".

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: So I guess that is you.

Alex: We made it!

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: I got... "someone who communicates".

Nick: Mm. Alright, I do my best.

Alex: Yeah. You communicate!

Nick: [Chuckles]

Alex: Hell yeah. Alright!

Nick: And so I guess we're back on being like, alright, we're fine.

Alex: We're fine.

Nick: We've forgiven the cheating.

Alex: We've forgiven.

Nick: Because this other quiz says that we're right for each other.

Alex: Yeah. Exactly. And now it's going to guess our relationship status based on how we can complete words.

Both: [Snort-laughing]

Nick: Complete this word: "space A-L-L"

Alex: "Fall, ball, or call?" Ball! All day.

Nick: I'm saying fall. Um...

Alex: [Chucking]

Nick: Complete this word: "space A-N". I'm saying ba--... oh, they don't have "ban". Uh. Damn.

Alex: [Laughing] Your block-happy ass.

Nick: Yeah, my block happy ass.

Alex: Ban! Ahh.

Nick: I-- I keep seeing people on Twitter, like people that-- I'll go to block somebody, uh, that's just being a dick on Twitter not even to me but to somebody else, and I'm just like... "I don't want this person to interact with me in the future". And I'll go to their profile to block them, and in their bio there will be something that says "blocking's for pussies." And I'm like, all right, well... I guess I am!

Alex: Right! Exactly!

Nick: Bye! I'm just like I would so much rather not have to ever deal with you than, like. I'm just like... do you really think that it affects me, that you of all people are calling me a pussy?

Alex: Exactly!

Nick: [Laughs] Cause guess what? Now I don't have to hear you anymore. [Snorts]

Alex: For real! Like, now I don't have to hear what you have to say. That's cool. [Laughs] Now I don't have to hear what you have to say, and I know that Megan thee Stallion loves me. So.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Right.

Alex: Um... B-A: Bag, Bad, or Bat?

Both: Bat.

Alex: L space G:

Both: Leg.

Alex: [Chuckles] --Lag, or Log. Leg.

Nick: Space E-A-D.

Alex: Dead!

Nick: Dead!

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Space E-L-L.

Both: Hell.

Alex: Fight!

Nick: Fight! [Chuckles] This one--

Alex: Space "ight".

Nick: That one was space I-G-H-T. Fight!

Alex: [Laughs] Space O-G.

Nick: Dog.

Alex: Hog.

Nick: Oh I accidentally clicked on fog! No! Fuck! [Clicking noises] Alright. Well.

Alex: [Laughing] What did you get?

Nick: Not even interested in dating right now.

Alex: Same. Which I guess is technically true? [Laughing]

Nick: I... yeah. I'm not interested in dating. [Chuckles]

Alex: I'm not interested in dating. I am married.

Nick: Right? [laughs]

Alex: I am not dating! [laughs]

Nick: Like, those things aren't mutually exclusive, but I'm not interested in dating right now.

Alex: Right!

Nick: You think I want to go be, uh, within 20 feet of another human? Fuck no!

Alex: Right. Like, I'm good with being within 20 feet of you and that's all.

Nick: Yeah. But no closer.

Alex: Everyone else, do not interact in person.

Nick: [Chucking] Yeah.

Alex: You may interact otherwise, please, God.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Alright. And then the last Buzzfeed quiz that we've got is: "Which Zodiac Sign Are You Most Compatible With?"

Alex: Alright!

Nick: Um.

Alex: So, we're hoping for different answers on this one.

Nick: Yeah. We're hoping for different answers on this one. I am a Leo, but I'm technically on the Leo-Virgo cusp, so.

Alex: And you are very... if you look up Leo-Virgo cusp traits, it's all Nick.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Cause I know you're Leo-Virgo cusp sun, and then for whatever reason I remember your rising sign but not your moon sign.

Nick: [Snort-laughs]

Alex: So that's fucking weird. I think you're Libra rising, and then Scorpio... right. Er-- Scorpio rising. Libra moon. That's right.

Nick: I... I'm proud of you, because I don't know that shit.

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: Um. So the first  question: "Which trait do you find the least tolerable: jealousy, impatience, pessimism, laziness, sensitivity, or secrecy?"

Alex: The least tolerable...

Nick: Uh, for me it's secrecy. I hate secrets, I hate not being in the loop. It gives me so much anxiety.

Alex: That is fair! Um I would say like... ugh. That's hard. This is hard! Uh... jealousy? Maybe? Sure.

Nick: That's fair.

Alex: Yeah. "How do you deal-- er, how do you react when conflict arises: try to play peacemaker, become upset and anxious, choose a side and jump to their defense, play both sides, join the conflict, or remain neutral?"

Nick: Um... For me it depends on the conflict? But typically I do, I will become upset and anxious, I'm not going to lie.

Alex: [Chuckles] Literally, me too.

Nick: Yeah. Which is why we just... we don't get into conflicts, because it's just, it's not worth it. Cause we both just kind of "uh I don't know!"

Alex: Right? Like, that's why we communicate.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Both because it's healthy, and also because [chuckles] I hate conflict so much. [Laughs]

Nick: Right. Absolutely.

Alex: "What was your favorite school subject: Math, English, Art, P.E., History, or Science?"

Nick: Man, I don't remember. That was a long time ago. I know it wasn't P.E.--

Alex: [Chuckles] Right? Fuck.

Nick: --and I know it wasn't History. But all of the rest of them were about the same.

Alex: Um... I feel like I always started off really strong in English but then they'd get really disappointed in me for not turning shit in, cause they expect you to turn shit in, so probably Art.

Nick: Yeah, that's super fair.

Alex: Cause all of the rest of them kind of never started off very strong, necessarily? Except maybe History so I'll say Art. I usually did well in Art.

Nick: I'm gonna say Math because I-- until the higher levels that I started doing in like, junior and senior year of high school, I didn't have to try.

Alex: That's fair.

Nick: So, that was probably my favorite thing, cause I didn't even have to...

Alex: [Chuckles]

Nick: Um... "How do you show affection: physical contact, grand gestures, playful mocking--"

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: "--meaningful words, unspoken loyalty, or 'I hate showing affection'?" Mine is... I'm between playful mocking and unspoken loyalty.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Cause I've definitely been described as loyal, but also... I started this episode saying that when I love things I make fun of them.

Alex: Yeah, like, actively. [Laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I'm gonna go with playful mocking.

Alex: Yeah. I would say... man, I really wish that this was more of like a languages of love thing.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Cause grand gestures isn't the exact thing, but I feel like I like doing the uh... fuck. What's it called? It's like--

Both: Acts of service?

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: But I guess outside of that... like... I guess that would be like, the loyalty thing maybe? Or maybe... I guess, meaningful words is probably the next highest one that I would find on this list.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Cause I talk a lot. [Snorts] Talk a lot of shit.

Nick: [Laughs] "Which of these is most important in your day to day life: being organized, being creative, being liked, being right, being the center of attention, or being independent?" Hmm. For me, I would probably say being creative. I feel like that's the most important thing for me to be able to do.

Alex: Yeah Cause I'm in between creative and independent. I would say probably like, creative.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: "What is your favorite genre of film: comedy, horror, romance, musical, documentary, or thriller?"

Nick: Uh, mine's a comedy a hundred percent.

Alex: Oh yeah, that's fair.

Nick: Like, I also feel like I really love it when comedy bleeds into other ones?

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: Like, that's my favorite is like, comedy hybrids.

Alex: Oh yeah, same. Yeah, I think I'm going to go with comedy, because I feel like every other kind of genre of movie that I like has to have some element of comedy for me to like it? Because I feel like-- quick side tangent-- Um, I feel like that is the best way for me to end up actually like, having some sort of stake in your characters. 'Cause I'm the type of person that I really like like, art house shit too. And, you know, I really like horror and thrillers and everything. But I'm not going to care about your characters If I haven't laughed with them at all!

Nick: Right.

Alex: Like, that's why I really like like, dark comedies and stuff and like, art house comedies I guess, is just because it's just like, you know, you get like all the emotion and the shit behind it but also like.... the reason that you feel those things isn't just because you've seen this person go through tragedies for like two hours. It's because you care about them and you think that they're fun. [Chuckles]

Nick: Right. Because you've gotten that kind of laughter bonding with them, where it's just like you can watch somebody go through literal just hell for a couple of hours but... and feel bad for them. But you don't feel that same level of bad as you do if you were able to, y'know, laugh at some jokes that they made as well and really bond with them.

Alex: Oh yeah! Hello, BoJack Horseman.

Nick: Right.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Uh, what would you rather be doing on a Saturday? Partying, museum tour, hiking, catching up on sleep, shopping, or Netflix marathon? I'm most likely to be catching up on sleep... but I would rather have a Netflix marathon, I think. I'd rather watch some TV.

Alex: I know I'm such a fucking Oregon ass adult I hate this shit so much. 'Cause I saw that-- Well I guess we're talking about a Saturday.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Oh yeah, 'cause before I thought too hard about Saturday I was going to say museum tour or hiking. Um, I'm still gonna say hiking 'cause you can go somewhere remote to hike. But outside of that, I feel like my second thing would probably be like Netflix marathon. If it were-- if we're talking like a Wednesday though, it's definitely a museum tour. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, absolutely.

Alex: Fuckin' love museums, dude.

Nick: Also I just for a second I got a big ad... oh it just came back! [laughs] It knew that I was thinking about it! But it's this big ad that takes up like a third of the screen and it's Mr. Beast,

Alex: Ah?

Nick: But it's a really really awful picture of Mr Beast, um that's like just like it's clearly just cut out of one of his videos, where they like went around in photoshop and cut out a screenshot of him. He's like halfway through speaking.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: And so his mouth is making a weird shape because he's saying a word and it's for Honey. And it was just like "Need a coupon? Mr. Beast fans save more!" And I'm like...

Alex: [quietly laughs]

Nick: Oh my God, are we really at a point where like... YouTubers are the face of things like that? And we're just using like a shitty JPEG?

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Just like "Hey you know Mr. Beast, right?" "Yeah." "He, he endorses us. Did you know that? Did you, did you know that... that is just is Mr. Beast enough for you to-- for you to finally download Honey?" Even though I have Honey downloaded right now.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: I'm like if they had a better picture of him, it wouldn't have like shocked me so much. But it's clearly like just a screen grab from one of his videos, and I'm like...

Alex: [laughing] It's like 140p, just like...

Nick: Yeah! I'm like did you ask him, if you could? 'Cause I feel like he could send you a better picture, guys.

Alex: We stole Mr. Beast's face, and--

Nick: Right! I'm like, does he know that you're doing this? [laughs]

Anyways...

Alex: Oh boy.

Nick: Uh... what could you spend hours talking about?

Alex: All.

Nick: The answers are TV and movies, conspiracy theories, real life gossip, my feelings, politics, and the meaning of life. Um, I'm going to go ahead and out myself and just say real life gossip. I--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: I hate that I do it, but... it's just so easy to just talk shit, for so long. Even though I know that a lot of the people that I talk shit about, I'm not that much better than.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: [extremely close to the mic] However,

Alex: Listen...

Nick: it's so much fun. And like, I know that I need to stop. And one day I might, but for right now...

Alex: [chuckles] Let me live this moment.

Nick: Just being honest, I could spend hours gossiping about anything. [laughs]

Alex: That is absolutely fair. I feel like I am showing so much of my ADHD ass...

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: 'Cause I'm just like we would have a conversation that involves all six of these things that lasts two minutes. [laughs]

Nick: Right!

Alex: I guess out of these things the thing that I would probably easily spend the most time talking about, without getting burnt out too fast, would be... Also potentially gossip.

Nick: [snort laughs]

Alex: Because I started to say politics, but I feel like politics I burn out real fast, and then I have to switch to something else. But then I go back to it.

Nick: Yeah, especially today's politics that are just so like "I don't know how to explain to you that you should care about people."

Alex: Right!

Nick: Like that's all politics is right now. I'm not going to get into this on the podcast right now, but like I don't know how to explain to people that they just should care about other people. And that's all politics is right now It's just like I don't-- How do you not understand that you should care about other people? And you can only say that so many times before it's like you just feel like you've drilled a hole in your head. Just like... I just, that's all I can say. [frustrated laughter] You know?

Alex: Yeah... like it's one of those things where, as a quick side tangent; In my most recent therapy session, it was so funny because I was talking about like-- I had surgery recently, I'm good! Um, but I have like a weight restriction for like lifting things. And I was talking about how I'm like away from work right now because of that. And about how it's also been really nice, because I haven't been talking about as much like heavy shit because my job involves talking about a lot of heavy shit, and some of that is like politics and like current events related. Um, just because a lot of it is like staying in-the-know for work. Uh, and it was so funny because my therapist noted something about like having a weight restriction like where it's like I can't lift things that are more than 10 pounds and also [starts laughing] I can't talk about shit--

Both: That's too heavy.

Nick: That's really funny.

Alex: What is more like-- or what is likely to make you angry or upset? Uh... Not being in control, being teased, being late to an appointment, a sad movie, being physically injured, trying something and not succeeding?

Nick: The unfortunate thing about me, is that a lot of these would-- are likely to make me angry or upset.

Alex: Yeah...

Nick: Um, not being in control, being late to an appointment, and trying something and not succeeding are like definitely the top three for me. Just because it's--it... it's things that-- Being late to an appointment and not being in control tie in to each other because anytime that I am late it's not my fault. And therefore, I'm not in control of the thing. So I'm going to say not being in control, because also trying something and not succeeding feels like it's out of my control, even though it totally is.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: You know? Like it's one of those things where it's like you just need to keep trying, you will learn. And that's something that I've been really really proud of myself with this podcast is that... you know, I know that not all of the episodes are good, and I-- but I just keep doing it, and I'm like "Oh, well that was a learning experience" And I'm like yes, finally! Like I just had this breakthrough with the podcast.

Alex: Right! It's been-- it has been really nice to see.

Nick: Yeah... What about you? [chuckles]

Alex: It's so funny because like looking at this, um... a lot of these things wouldn't necessarily like "get to me" get to me. Uh, that isn't to say that things don't get to me because things get to me. But I feel like not being in control overarchingly really does. Um, because I feel like a lot of things with like trying and not succeeding and  being late to stuff I... kind of-- I blame restaurant work for this. I don't know what broke in me-- [laughs]

for the better, maybe, um... for this to happen. But I like developed this habit when like shit would go off of the rails where I'd like drop something or like something would happen and I'd just kinda go [clicks tongue] "Well." [laughs]

Like to the point that I've had-- I remember dropping like a full tray of water glasses at one point and just going "Oh, well..."

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: And like a customer that was nearby was like concerned--

Both: [laughing]

Alex: like for my like a mental health. And I think about that sometimes, like I forget exactly what she said but she was just like "Oh..." [laughs]

Nick: "Oh honey, are you okay?"

Alex: Like I think that she thought it was like one of those quiet snapping moments, but like gunuinely it was just like "All right. Well, that happened." [laughs] Um, but I think like not being in control really gets me, like especially longterm.

Nick: Right.

Alex: That stresses me out... Um, being teased used to really get me because I did not grow up with siblings. But then I feel like over the course of like us being together it's-- I've gotten a lot better at reading when it's like people being mean to me versus like...

Nick: Yeah...

Alex: You know, reading it as like "Oh this person likes you and is friends with you. And that's why--" [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, you've definitely gotten a lot better about that over the last couple of years.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Probably because I relentlessly mock you. [laughs]

Alex: [laughing] Yeah!

Nick: Uh, what do you value most: Laughter, challenge, faith, stability, success, or trust? Laughter.

Alex: Mhmm. Big same.

Nick: If I can't laugh, I just-- I don't care. [snort laughs]

Alex: I agree!

Nick: Finally, what is your Zodiac sign?

Alex: Saggitarius.

Nick: And I am a Leo.

Alex: What'd you get?

Nick: I got Virgo, which is not Sagittarius.

Alex: Damn. That is nowhere in my like chart.

Nick: No.

Alex: 'Cause I got Libra, but that's your moon sign so I'm counting it.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh but so what it says about a Virgo being my ideal is: "They're reliable, organized, and a little bit anxious. They're great listeners and provide excellent advice. And even though they often seem cold on the outside, they can be a lot of fun. They're deep thinkers and together you'll engage in interesting conversations and provide each other stability and calmness." Which still feels...

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: A lot like you?

Alex: [laughing] I know!

Nick: There's definitely like... I don't-- you're not organized, and you're pretty reliable and you don't really seem that cold on that outside... That's a lot more me  which is funny because I'm on the Virgo cusp.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Um ... But it still is like, you're a deep thinker, and we do engage in interesting conversations, which is why we have a podcast. Um, and you're a great listener and you do provide excellent advice. And so it's like a lot of that stuff is you, but it says we shouldn't be together, so...

Alex: [laughs] We're like 25% for... 'cause like for you... or for me I guess, it says uh "Libras are artistic, graceful, hopeless romantics. They'll probably want to sit around and gossip and explore their creative side. They're great listeners, really fun, provide balance and insight for any lost souls." Which honestly is a lot of things that I really like about our relationship too. So I'm just like...

Nick: Well, Buzzfeed says that I need to leave you because you've cheated on me--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: and you're not a Virgo.

Alex: My worst crime, arguably.

Nick: Your worst crime is not being a fucking Virgo. And... uh, I don't remember what the brunch one said.  

Alex: Brunch said we were fine.

Nick: Brunch said that we were fine, but you did cheat on me and-- [snort laughs]

Alex: And I'm not a Virgo.

Nick: And you're not a Virgo, so... I guess I kinda need to leave... or you need to like step your shit up. Change your birthday and become a Virgo.

Alex: [laughs] I will. Let me, let me go to the courthouse, it'll be okay.

Both: [laughing]

Alrighty. So, this has been Ice Cream Parasocial. We'll see you next time! Nick: Um, don't forget if you have the ability to go rate us on Apple podcasts and uh... that's all, for this one.

Alex: That's all! Um Buzzfeed if you have a intern that I can bribe to write a quiz that will save my marriage--

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh, we love you.

Alex: We love you. We-

Nick: See ya next time.

Alex: Yeah, hope it wasn't too loud so we can stay out of the closet.

Nick: This is a queer friendly podcast. Please don't make us go back in the closet.

Alex: [laughing] Anyway...

Nick: Bye!

Alex: Bye!

[byeoltan]

Hi!! Let me say at first how much I appreciate you, your blog is my favourite one!! Thank you for keeping it interesting and diverse! I have a question. Do you by any chance understand what bts comeback concept has to do with words 'love yourself'?? I got that album is about falling in love, being special for someone and unique moments in one's life etc. But i still can't get why they imply that the concept is about loving one's self if this issue barely was touched upon? Am i missing on smth?

but it was written in every breath they took in producing the album bby TT 

their comeback stage showed it all, they could’ve started with intro: serendipity, but no, they straight up went with ‘i need u’ the song that took them to where they are now. they mentioned how everyone cried so much when they had their very first win with i need u, especially jimin. it was in i need u that they realized they might just.. have made it, a step further. if you’ve been with them for a while, you’d know how dirty bangtan and army were treated, like really we were dissed left and right it was really a tough situation especially for k-armys they can’t even be proud of our boys or even mention their names in articles without getting ridiculed just cos they’re not ‘big’ TT and even when we had our first win, bangtan still get called out for ridiculous reasons that’s just. the fact that they made their comeback with i need u shows just how much they treasure the moment the fans that made it possible at that time, i need u was the breakthrough, i need u made them realize that they can actually be… happy now, and move forward. and maybe love themselves more, and performing mic drop afterwards shows exactly that :)

honestly love yourself album is in every sense, calls you to love yourself, if not, more, even when you don’t think you can, just look at the lyrics

just let me love yousince the time the universe was first formedeverything has been decidedjust let me love you–intro: serendipity

and when they say

don’t worry, lovebecause all of this is isn’t a coincidence(even when) we are totally different, babybecause (of that still) destiny is found in the two of ussince the day the universe came into existence, it has continuously been soand transcending for infinite centuries, it will continuously be sofrom our past lives too, perhaps, and even the next lives to comebecause we will still be together forever (no matter)–DNA

doesn’t that encourage you to embrace yourself, despite our differences? and

when you say that you love mefeels like i’m treading on the sky/heavenstell me about forever just one more timewhen you say that you love mei, i’ll be fine even if just those wordsthat you would never change, just one more time–best of me

bangtan treasures us so much as they treasure themselves that they wish for our love to never change no matter how bad things might get 

i wonder if it’s a mistake an angel left behindif not that then, a deep kiss?that dimple is illegalbut I want it anyway anyway anyway–보조개 (dimple)

did you know? that dimples are a medical flaw, a genetic defect that is caused by shortened facial muscles, which is why when we smile, the shorten muscle pulls the skin on our face causing a dimple. but somehow in our society, dimples are embraced and carries a mark of beauty and loveliness the contradiction is fascinating how human perception can override facts, and i personally think this is what makes the song more meaningful despite the casual pop tune, because what ever flaw you think you have, might not be a flaw at all. you can chose to hide it by not smiling, but isn’t it lovely when you smile? love yourself.

stopnow stop watching (and) start studying for (your) examsyour parents and your manager/boss they dislike meall those video clips you’ve watched, twitter photos,v app, bon voyage i know they’re so good, what should we dostop. the music video, (i’m saying) interpret (it) lateraren’t there plenty of my photos in your room, anywaywhat is an hour even? a year passes by just like thatthis song is a reward i’m giving (it) to you.good girl/good boy–pied piper

btw 착해 is an expression, a good compliment you usually receive from an elderly person/grown up when if you do well in something, its not sexual guys idk why some ppl imply it is lmao

so when bangtan says this they mean it wholeheartedly like a friend, like an older brother because they know how bad we have it for them, they know how much influence they have on us, as much as we ahve on them. despite scolding us, albeit, in a loving manner, they really want the best for us. unlike the original story where the pied piper drove the children away from the town of hamelin when the town ppl refuse to pay for his service in luring the plague causing rats away, bangtna isn’t set to lure us away, they in fact, want us to go to them, be with them, love with them, but in addition, we have to set our priorities in real life straight, so that, everyone can appreciate our love too, and maybe, the society won’t put much hate on us anymore.

please army remember what we say, love myself, love yourself, i really love you, and thank you

–skit: billboard music awards speech

this says everything hnnggghh

yeah? who said my ‘spoon was dirty’i don’t care, when i grab the mic i own those whole lot of ‘gold spoons’all of a sudden, those that didn’t cook well are in rage, those lot of steaks i’ll chew on y’all over and over again, on the star’s dinner table–mic drop

oh man i need another post dedicated to mic drop there’s so many things to talk about in this 

the thing i earn with hard work, my paygonna spend it all on my tummy all the pennies i collect/count just to waste it all (on my tummy)leave me be, even if i overspendor come tomorrow morning and like a crazy guymy savings, if i cash them all out (leave me be)woo there’s no tomorrowmy future’s been seized for collateral  woo my money’s all further spent friends, wassup?do you want some?–고민보다 Go (rather than worrying, go)

this whole song is satirical critique tbh even the dance choreography pls appreciate them

and then the outro, which reiterates everything about love and sacrifice, about being the best of yourself, about loving yourself first and foremost

the world is a complexwe was lookin’ for lovei am too, just one of those pplhonestly even i didn’t believe in real lovelike a habit i said i want to love, just babbling like thatbut i found myselfthe whole new myselfeven if i’m confused, which am i is the real meme meeting you makes me wonder, aren’t i a book?or is it you, who are the turning pages (of my book)?damn–outro: her

PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS SKIT THERES ENG SUB AND CRY WITH ME HOW ARE THEY SO PUREE THEY WERE REMEMBERING OLD DAYS AND HOW THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT BILLBOARD IS NAD JIMIN HE JIMIN THOUGHT GRAMMY WAS A PERSON’S NAME AJSHD

theres a reason why bangtan made the skit and sea as hidden tracks, you have to undertsand that bangtan has come a longg way. and one of the reasons why they were finally able to get their first win the last time was through purchase of physical copies, which helped tremendously raise the sales. bangtan may be celebrated and loved wordlwide but back in their home ground, they were nobodies, which is why buying physical copy always meant more even (especially for k-fandoms) since you’re willing to go for an extra mile, its part of kfandom culture for fans to invest a lot of time and money for their group supports and projects to help get their fave name out there, sure you can like/listen to other groups but ultimately, hundreds of idols debut eveyr year so in order to make sure your group lasts a long time, korean fans consider it very important to pledge their loyalty to a single group and support them with all you have, this is why it was even harder for karmys because we come from small company :’)

and now that they are getting success tremendously over the past year (BANGTAN’S #7 ON BILLBOARD 200 GUYS PLEASE GIVE YOURSELFVES A PAT WE DID THAT), love yourself is to be quite honest, an album dedicated to armys all round, and those two tracks are just a little bit more intimate, and more on a personal level, which is why it was hidden from the rest of the world, i’d like to think that the reason they kept it hidden in a physical copy because they know for certain that only their fans would purchase a physical copy, and that they want us to be the first ppl to hear it, to listen to their laments, their grieves, their happiness, their love, they just wanna them share with us first and foremost, because they know only we would get it, because we’ve been there

in the end the mirage is caught andit becomes reality, andthe desert i was once afraidbecame the sea with our blood, sweat, and tearsbut then amongst all this happiness,what are these fears?because this place is originally a desert, we know this too well–sea