#do you just blow on it. like an old man in a fable about a satyr who thinks humans are the strangest creatures

[arthur-r]

need to poll my friends, does anybody drink black coffee like just coffee from inside of a coffee pot and you don’t put anything in it?

[slashingdisneypasta]

Evil Queen x Fem!AFAB!Reader ll Drabble

Plot: Your gentleman caller thinks you're being attacked by a goblin 🧝‍♂️ before his eyes. He doesn't know about you and your queen's escapades... not even the rumours.

*Inspired by Grumpy suggesting that she can turn herself invisible.

Warnings: This is VULGAR, guys. 'Ghost' sex, eating out, public sex, exhibitionism!!!, dubcon on your end (this is a whole surprise from her) and non con for your poor date. Horny lesbians this is for you.

You're out in the grounds on a walk with a possible suitor (one who obviously doesn't know about your dealings with the Queen. Not even the rumours. A foreign nobel), having stopped under a particularly pretty tree to talk - at a respectable distance from one another, -, when you feel it.

Soft lips on your neck. You're startled, eyes widening for a moment. What in the worl-

The lips, belonging to someone apparently invisible standing between you and the nobel talking on about grain to you, press another cool, lingering kiss on your neck before trailing more of them all the way up your neck- leaving heat all over your skin in their wake. Then theirs a hot breath on your ear and you're truy wondering whether possiblh a malevolent castle ghost, or a goblin or something equally devious and scary has taken interest in you- when Hilda's voice whispers ever so softly in your ear. So soft you almost mistake it for the wind.

"Don't react just yet, pet. Let him think everything is fine... "

The words make you nervous but excitement licks at your insides, too, like a flame; A very bad flame that you should put out. You should, you should, you will...

You can't. You've always been weak when it came to the wills of Grimhilde, your Queen. She could make you do anything far too easily, like some sort of siren. You let her teach you things, familiarise you with things... no Lady should know about.

Like how to kiss, and how to use ones lips and tongue on another lady under her skirts when its just the two of you, and the feeling of two wet 'pussies' gliding against eachother... not to mention that vulgar word... You can't help eagerly anticipating whatever she has in store for you right now. Even if it is a wholly innapropriate moment, and you feel terrified that this man will notice, or see something, and call you horrible names. Ruin your reputation. Ruin you.

As if the Queen hasn't already done that.

Except for your reputation, which is still intact by a loose string in this palace- if only because she handles the rumours. 'Gets rid of them'. How? You're not sure. And you're afraid to ask.

While Hilda continues to leave tantelising ghost kisses all over you, your jaw line and the little sensitive spot where your jaw ends just under your earlobe (There she sees it fit to glide her tongue gently, making you shiver when the breeze blows against the area), you try your best to listen to your date. He's talking about- what was he talking about again?? Oh god oh god!-

"Anyway- my apologies, I must be boring you. No one wants to talk about grain for an entire walk." Grain! Yes, it was grain! That was the topic! As Hilda moves over your chin and to the other side of your face and places a hand on your waist and you wonder shortly if her invisibility spell works on her clothes (or if she's naked right now), the nobel gives a lovely smile and nods. "What are you interested in? Do you read?"

Oh, he's kind. You feel bad for what's happening right now- but Hilda doesn't. Her hand starts to rub slowly up and down your side as she lathers you with kisses. "I do! U-um, recently I've been reading some old fables... a l-little childish, I realise, but they're in Portugese so I'm using them to, ah, learn."

"I think that's very admirable. What made you inclined to learn a foreign language?"

"I wish to travel. And, I figure, if I'm going to be there I should know how to communicate there." Hilda allows you to reply, before leaving a particularly sweet kiss to the corner of your lips. More then the corner. Almost half your mouth. You can't kiss back, though, even if you want to- that would surely be an odd sight.

"Very good." Your nobel date laughs, before going into another tangent- this time about Portugal. He's been there, apparently, and if you were listening you would be revited- but Hilda's kisses are straying down onto your throat. She sucks a little on her way down there before she gets to the neck of your dress, and you feel her smirk against your skin. If you didn't feel unbearably hot before, from the affections and the embarrassment, your skin would definitely boil now from the fluster. She's definitely doing this at least partly to torture you.

It's one of her favourite games.

When she starts kissing down your body, over the swell of your chest and down your corset area, your heart truly starts to beat hard in your chest. Like the wings of a bird fighting to stay in the air.

What is she doing!??

Your skirt is long, brushing against the beautiful green grass of the Queen's gardens (matching the gorgeous, magnificent trees you're under), so she can't possibly go any further!! The man with you would definitely notice!

Absolutely not. She wouldn't. That's too-

You feel breeze on your ankles that wasn't there before and the presence of a hand slpping up between your legs. Fingers rubbing one of your thighs.

The nobelman notices the slight lifting of your skirt, despite the lack of wind and the fact that your hands are far from your skirts, and raises a curious brow. "- I'm sorry, my lady, but there seems to be uh- some malfunction occuring with your dress... "

"Oh, um, I'm not sure- " How to lie about this.

The feeling of Hildas hand rubbing your thigh, along with all the kisses before (and, you'd hate to ever be made to admit it- but the danger of the situation as well) are making you feel familiar tingles in your lower area. A greasy slick is beginning to drench your thighs, and you can't take it!! A dark part of you wants her to continue whatever she's doing.

Make you come, right there.

In front of this man. Out in the open. You know it would be the biggest orgasm you'd ever experienced so far, the most pleasure she had shown you so far, even though you know you would be

Mortified.

And the damage to your reputation, by way of this nobleman, would be irreparable.

- Yet, you feel it in your soul, and between your thighs, that you want it.

... that doesn't mean you have to be slave to those feelings, though. You can stop this, you know it. You should.

Hilda can't possibly make you go through with this, can she?

Even though her fingers are now starting to stroke your dripping wet folds, your skirts raising up higher as they probably glide up her shoulder. You just know that she must look devious. Evil, as they call her in the villages.

... you're about to speak up again, suggest you both (you and your date) go back to the castle- but then something happens that makes your stomach completely flip. The nobleman's eyes blow open wide and he looks horrified.

"G- goblin! A goblin has you!!"

The nobleman grabs for his sword after Hilda pushes your skirts all the way up to reveal you to the outside world, but he's quickly shot with a spark of some kind of magic; sparks of fire erupting from the handle of his blade and causing him to drop it instead kf valiantly 'rescue' you. He goes to grab it again, hurried and clumsy, but another shot of magic makes him still.

"H- " You try to say Hilda, and the nobleman (fully conscious with his wide eyes stuck on you- or more specifically your glistening folds) probably thinks you were going to say help. But it doesn't matter either way, as that is the moment Hilda starts to play with your clit. A choked moan forces its way up through your throat, the sensation of her soft, dexterous fingers rubbing prompt circles in the middle of your folds- spreading your wetness all over your lips. Oh god!- oh fuck!

Your thighs beg to part more widely, give your Queen more room to rub you and finger you, make you cum, but you refuse them. No, no. This can't be happening. Fine, you will allow the man watching to think you're being attacked by an evil forest creature- but you won't spread yourself out before him and give yourself over. Even if it feels magical. No. You can't. You have to at least look like you're in distress! You must!

Hilda starts rubbing her finger in a line through your lips, stroking skilfully against your clit as if it were her own she were pleasuring. It's not, though. It's not her. Its you. She's using yours.

Before you can even think anymore, you feel her juicy wet tongue slide against your pussy, a hot flat stroke all over. A sigh slips out of you, your hips twitching.

Oh fuck- your eyes snap up to the noblemans as Hilda continues to lick you, taste you, take away your fucking sanity.

He's still watching, he saw your face change from horror to pleasure. His brows are furrowed in horror, concern and... confusion. Are you liking this!?? Being taken by a damn fae creature!?

You're so close to just giving in now, because how much worse can it really get with this guy, when Hilda's tongue dips between your delicious folds and her lips touch your delicate private skin. Her tongue is just as adept as her fingers, scooping into you and playing with your clit like a filthy whore would in a brothel (you would never tell her such a thing, but she's aware), and you completely give in.

Your feet step apart in order to make more room for your majesty between your wet thighs so she can kiss and fondle your hole even more with her tongue. She smirks once again into your skin and you hear a devious giggle; her fingers coming up between your thighs again and holding open your folds for her to abhse your hole more directly with her dirty, hungry tongue.

For the gentleman to see better, of course. You know thats what she meant, that's what she would say. At this point you're completely hers. She could make you do anything with her tongue deep in your hole like this, your pussy absolutely loving the feel of her fucking you with it in the open air, clear for this man to watch and see. You notice he has a bulge in his nice pants as well a damp spot, and you look away; closing your eyes.

He deserves a bit of respect. What you can give him, at least. Even if that's just pretending to not notice his arousal at your situation.

Before too long a finger slips into your hole instead of her tongue, digging in deep and stretching your walls so much better then her tongue could. You start moaning more frequently, rocking your hips onto her hand. She adds another finger, ripping you open so good, and then one more, and all 3 begin to thrust firmly in and out of your tiny squishy hole. Your moaning is unabashed now and you know the nobleman is seeing you stretched open in front of him but you can't bring yourself to care at all anymore. In fact- it might be making it feel better, that you're being watched- and wanted.

Your hips roll in the air and one of your hands dissapears into your hair; tugging at the strands and begging Hilda. Pleasepleaseplease. Makememakememakeme. Ijusywannacomeijustwannacome!

When her tongue comes back to you as well as her fingers, licking at your hard clit, you open your eyes a crack and see the man once more before you're sure Hilda will 'get rid of him' like she does all the rumours about you. He looks a terrible mess, caught between horror and lust, and it sends you over the edge.

One more hard thrust from Hilda, her curling her fingers inside you to rub viciously at your tight meaty walls squeezing her, hitting your sweet spot so beyond perfectly, and you come harsher than you ever have before.

[tempe-brennans]

in the cold kentucky rain

summary: a search in the rain for lost love

authors note: so i don't go here but i've gotten the joel brainrot through osmosis and here we are. if he's out of character that's totally on me. hope you enjoy <3

The fabled Kentucky bluegrass squishes under his feet. Dimly, he thinks it isn't really blue. It looks like any other grass he's ever seen—especially in the rain—wet and green with mud beginning to squeeze up between the blades.

Who had named it that?

Back in the old days, before monsters and all this death, Joel knew horses and bourbon flowed through this state in nearly equal measure. But, in all the Derby coverage he’s ever seen, he’s never heard anyone explain why it’s called bluegrass. Not once. It’s not like he had imagined cobalt blue blades grew along Kentucky’s hills, but still. He was expecting something more than this.

He almost wishes there was some way to look it up, a computer he could get to with some modicum of ease. It would certainly make his actual search easier, if nothing else. Which, if he's honest, is the only reason he's let his mind wander down a tangent about bluegrass in a state he's never been to before.

A distraction. A desperate, hopeless attempt at a distraction.

What if he never finds you? Never sees you again? Never again wakes to feel the softness of your breath against his bare chest as you sleep?

He couldn’t bare it. Even the thought makes his chest constrict in a way he hasn’t felt since the parasite that flipped the whole world upside down—since the day he'd seen his only daughter dead in his arms.

He knows now. He understands the way he should have been with you. You weren’t a mission—didn’t require the efficiency and reservation it took to get him through the rest of his life. He could be soft with you, should have been soft with you. All the romantic comedies they used to play on television over and over, he should have followed their example.

He should have been over the top in the way he loved you, even now, with the world the way it is.

The love he feels for you had changed his life, had given him something to look forward to, but he had still treated you like a task to be completed—a problem to be addressed.

It's all so clear now, as he walks through the rain looking for you. It’s all clear now, when he’s lost you.

He’s interrupted, jolted out of his thoughts as a truck jostles down the road behind him. Practiced fingers curl around the gun tucked in his waist, just in case.

Lot of good it would do him to contract pneumonia looking for you and end up dying in a botched roadside robbery.

The truck slows to a stop beside him, wet wheels squealing as they still.

A window rolls down—the old crank kind, Joel can hear it even over the rain, and it makes him smile.

“You need a ride, son?”

The man can’t be much older than Joel, but still, he takes on the role of elder easily. Joel’s fingers release his gun, knowing he could reach it in time should he still need to.

He shakes his head. “Wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.”

The man shakes his head, reaches across the bench seat, opens the door. “The only inconvenience I feel is my wet passenger seat. Get in.”

Joel does, running out of reasons he shouldn’t.

He settles, looks at the driver. “If you’re sure it’s not a hassle.”

“S’no trouble at all,” the man says, as he starts up the truck again.

Joel can feel the other man’s eyes on him and, without much other choice, turns to meet his eyes.

He quirks a brow. “You wanna talk about why you’re out for a walk in a torrential downpour?”

Joel looks down, shakes his head. “No big deal, really.”

“Sure.” He nods. “I go walking in the rain for no reason, too. I get it.”

Joel breaks. The stranger in the driver’s seat is a man he’ll never see again, and suddenly, his problems come pouring out. By the time the man stops again, outside an abandoned general store, Joel has spilled his guts.

He blows out a breath. “I wish you luck. Nowadays a search like that…”

Joel nods, shallows around the lump that has formed in his throat. “I know.” He clears his throat. “Anyway, thanks for the ride. I appreciate it.”

The man nods. “’Course. I hope you find her.”

“Me too,” Joel murmurs.

It happens when Joel is least expecting it, catching sight of you. He’s walking around the general store, having already checked inside, and there you are.

He could never forget the way you carry yourself, never forget the shape of your body. Like you, it’s burned into his mind for the rest of his life.

He tries to call your name, but his mouth won’t form the word. Instead, he tries, “Honey!”

You stop, turn to face him in slow motion.

“What are you doing here, Joel?”

Hands shaming at his sides with nerves, he attempts a joke. “Thought you could get rid of me that easy, hm, darlin’?”

You sigh, shrug. “I was hoping.”

Then, you’re turning, continuing on your way, and Joel can’t have that.

“Baby, please.” He hurries to catch up and tries to curl fingers around your arm and just misses.

“‘M’not your baby,” you mutter.

“Can you at least look at me?” Joel sighs. “Don’t I deserve that?”

You blow out a breath and turn to face him.

There’s a look in your eyes Joel has never seen turned on him. He’d call it something like disinterest.

“Just leave it alone, Joel.” You sigh. “Just let me go. Please.”

He shakes his head, tries to talk over a thunder clap. “I can’t.”

“Of course you can! You’ve done it for months!”

You turn on your heel, as done with the conversation as you appear to be with him.

Desperate, he calls after you, “Everyday I’m in love with you and everyday the feeling grows and if you could just…if you could just come home, I’ll make sure to show you that every moment.” Joel shakes his head, reaches out for you. You just slip out of his grasp. “You’ll never forget—never have to wonder how I feel—again. Not for a second.”

You simply stare at him, a look in your eyes he can’t place.

“Please, baby.” He can feel the tears roll down his cheeks and mix with the rain. “Please give me one more chance. Just one,” he whispers. “I promise I’ll never hurt you again.”

You’re silent for an entirely too long moment before you finally speak.

“Can you sing that song for me again?”

Joel knows exactly what you mean.

He remembers the night intently, the night you had cried on his shoulder and he had done the only thing he could think to comfort you.

Sing.

Gentle fingers had run up and down your arm as he had hummed.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy, when skies are gray

You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don’t take, my sunshine away

He murmurs them again now, meaning entirely different as he gets soaked to the bone in the rain.

“I’ll never do anything to make you wanna leave again, baby. I promise.”

“No,” you murmur. You run gentle fingers through his hair, laugh softly. “I’m sure you will.”

Joel feels his face fall, his heart go a bit topsy turvy, but you’re quick to right him.

“I just won’t run away next time. Not without speaking to you.”

His soul settles, and you lean in to kiss him. His rain soaked clothes, the water dripping into his eyes—it’s all worth it for this moment, the moment when everything falls into place once again.

“I love you,” he whispers, simple in its truth.

Your smile is a slow thing, taking over your face like honey. “I love you, too.”

[ewelinakl]

ewelinakl's fic masterlist

Our Flag Means Death

1. A Pirate Triptych (steddyhands, E, 82k) — When Ed turns into a monster and does some unspeakably cruel things, Izzy and Stede team up to turn him back into his old, gentler self and make him atone for what he's done. — finished ● losing my religion (i'm not my own) [Ed/Izzy, Spanish Jackie/Izzy, E, 9.5k] — The story of Izzy's relationship with Blackbeard, from their first meeting all the way until the birth of the Kraken. Izzy's POV ● it's beginning to get to me (no one knows what this fight's about) [Ed/Stede, pre Stede/Izzy, E, 24.6k] — Stede finds an unlikely ally in his quest to get Ed back. (It's Izzy.) Stede's POV. ● i don't know who i am (but now I know who i'm not) [Ed/Stede, Ed/Izzy, Ed/Stede/Izzy, E, 47.8k] — It's time for Ed to face the Kraken and take accountability for his actions. Ed's POV.

2. Three Men in a Boat (steddyhands, E) — a series for tying up loose ends from the Pirate Triptych and other steddyhands shenanigans. — unfinished ● love is a distant aroma at best (Stede/Izzy, rated E for the conversation subject, 3.4k) — a missing scene to chapter one of i don't know who i am (but now I know who i'm not) ● align my heart, my body, my mind (Ed/Stede/Izzy, E, 46.3k) — a follow-up to the Pirate Triptych, set a few years later. Mary and Doug go on a honeymoon, leaving the kids with Stede and his two not-quite-husbands. ● tell me we'll never get used to it (Ed/Izzy, E, 2.3k) — pre-Pirate Triptych. Ed enjoys pushing Izzy's boundaries. ● we make our choices and take what comes (Ed/Izzy, Ed/Stede, Stede/Izzy, Ed/Stede/Izzy, E) — ongoing — historical fantasy AU. Izzy is a famous assassin hired by the Badmintons to kill Queen Mary. Stede is the Queen's Protector (not because he's good at combat, it's just a shiny title he got because he saved her once) and friend. Edward is an eldritch deity who likes to mess with people and shares his magic with Izzy, helping him kill the Queen. But when Stede gets wrongly accused of regicide, Ed offers his powers to Stede as well, twisting the future until it brings Stede and Izzy together.

3. BBC (bellhands brainrot conglomerate) [Sam Bellamy/Izzy Hands, M to E] — a collection of various fics centred around the fine ship that is bellhands. — unfinished ● there's no me without you (Sam Bellamy/Izzy Hands, M, 8k) — Sam makes one more desperate attempt trying to convince Izzy to leave Blackbeard. Will it work this time? Sam's POV. ● a fable from broken things (Sam/Izzy, Ed/Stede, E, 24.8k) — In which the Revenge gets her mast broken in a storm, her captains have no choice but to stop at Hispaniola, run into Sam Bellamy, get invited for tea with him and Izzy, and realise that their relationship is really messy and strained in comparison to their hosts'. And when Izzy Hand's relationship seems healthier than yours, you know you've got some work to do. ● no one is born a hero (Sam/Izzy, E) — ongoing — modern au. Izzy gets dumped after seven years together with Ed and is not handling it well. so what are the chances of him not blowing it when Jackie introduces him to a man who seems to be tailor-made for him? Izzy's POV. ● someone has to leave first (Sam/Izzy, Ed/Izzy, background Ed/Stede, E, 11.1k) — Incubus Sam gets imprisoned by the British. Izzy teams up with Paul to save him. Edward, who's never shaken off the Kraken thing, is not happy about this double loyalty. ● call it courage (Sam/Izzy, E, 1.9k) — Sam asks to be choked during sex. Izzy is both turned on and terrified by the concept. ● leaning towards the sun (Sam/Izzy, E, 1.5k) — A very hard bike seat and a bumpy road leave Izzy embarrassingly hot and bothered. Thankfully, Sam is more than willing to help out with that.

4. vampire verse (Stede/Izzy, E) — a collection of loosely-connected one-shots. vampire!Izzy/human!Stede, post-season 1. — open ● drink me like a bottle of wine (Stede/Izzy, E, 2.8k) — Stede discovers that Izzy is a vampire and gets turned on by the ideas this gives him. Horny times ensue. ● a little broken, a little new (Stede/Izzy, E, 4.8k) — follow up to drink me like a bottle of wine; idiots in love (struggling to articulate their feelings).

5. birds of a feather (Calico Jack/Charles Vane, steddyhands, E) — everyone lives au, post-season 1, Calico Jack-centric. — unfinished ● blood in your mouth (i wish it was mine) [Calico Jack/Charles Vane, E, 6.6k] — Jack survives the encounter with Ed and the Navy and starts a new life aboard the Ranger. His new captain turns out to be his kind of a freak.

● the forest is my cradle and it's where i'll die (Stede/Izzy, E, 2.9k) — Stede cuts some trees without making suitable offerings to the forest spirit, and now he has to pay for his crime. (Leshy!Izzy/human!Stede, inspired by Polish folklore.)

● landscape after cruelty (Hornigold/Izzy, one-sided Calico/Izzy, E, 1.6k) — Hornigold calls Jack to do the hard work for him while he sits back and enjoys the show.

● knives, singing for blood (Hornigold/Izzy, E, 1.8k) — When their navigator fucks up, Hornigold decides to take out his frustration on his favourite toy. Dead dove.

● you can call it anything (but that was love) (past Ed/Izzy, Ed/Stede, Sam/Izzy, M, 3.4k) — Izzy moved on. Ed thought he did.

● relax (we're in this together) [Jim/Izzy, E, 3.7k] — Jim helps Izzy work on his confidence after losing his leg.

● welcome to the new age (Ed/Stede/Izzy, E, 3.5k) — When they started this whole thing a year ago, Israel could only think of one rule for him and Stede — no romance.

● dangerous liaisons (Calico Jack/Charles Vane/Roach, E, 12.4k) — Roach gets a chance to do something about his crush on Jack.

● darkness, rewritten (Ed/Izzy, Ed/Stede/Izzy, T, 3.6k) — Ed & Izzy have a tender little moment together. post-season 2, everybody lives au.

● what holy men really mean when they speak of sin (Calico Jack/Charles Vane, E, 8.6k) — A priest and a sailor meet in a seedy bar in Saint-Malo. companion piece to we make our choices and take what comes

● pitch black, pale blue (Sam Bellamy/Izzy, Ed & Izzy, M, 6.6k) — after the Kraken nearly kills him, Izzy realises it's time to move on. post-s2ep06.

The Witcher

1. between the lines (Geralt/Jaskier, Geralt/Yennefer, M to E) — a series of short fics following the timeline of the novels — unfinished (on hiatus) ● on my knees and out of luck, I look up (Geralt/Jaskier, M, 3.6k) — Geralt rides into a small town in the middle of nowhere and finds Jaskier there. set post Shard of Ice. ● the wolf and the nightingale (Geralt/Jaskier, E, 2.5k) — Geralt discovers that he's not immune to Jaskier's charms and games. set during A Little Sacrifice. ● thief of fire (Geralt/Jaskier, G, 1.8k) — Jaskier writes a ballad and it comes true against all odds. set during Something More. ● verse. chorus. verse. (Geralt/Jaskier, E, 3.3k) — Geralt starts overthinking things because he feels guilty about the incident between Jaskier and Rience. set between The Blood of Elves and The Time of Contempt. ● when the world seems a dungeon (Geralt/Jaskier, Geralt/Yennefer, E, 3.9k) — Geralt feels guilty about leaving Jaskier for Yen, Jaskier is tired of this nonsense. set during The Time of Contempt.

2. a modern bestiary (Geralt/Jaskier, Geralt/Yennefer, M, T, E) — a modern au (characterisation based on the novels, not the games or the show) — unfinished (on hiatus) ● of witchers and men (Geralt/Jaskier, M, 5k) — Geralt sees a singer in trouble and simply has to help. Geralt's POV. ● basilisk's gaze (Geralt/Jaskier, T, 6k) — Geralt might not be a streetwise Hercules, but he makes Jaskier feel safe and calm, even when everything goes wrong. Jaskier's POV. ● and the djinni said (Geralt/Yennefer, E, 3k) — He came to her with Jaskier's blessing. Yen's POV.

Dishonored

Children of the Many-Eyed God (Geoff Curnow/Slackjaw, Kirin Jindosh/Alexandria Hypathia, Daud/Thomas, M) — Slackjaw as the long-lost Prince of Tyvia, Geoff as the Prince Consort, Kirin as the Royal Inventor, Alexandria as the Royal Physician, Daud & Thomas as Spymasters, with a hearty side of worldbuilding and a brand new Tyvian god. — unfinished ● The Prince, the Guard, and the Many-Eyed God (Geoff Curnow/Slackjaw, M, 54.7k) — The Old Gods of Tyvia choose strange paths for their children. Slackjaw's path leads from the criminal underworld of Dunwall, into the arms of a Watchman, and to the throne that is rightfully his. ● The Heart of a Dead Thing (Kirin Jindosh/Alexandria Hypatia, M, 59.3k) — He's a refugee, an addict, an Academy dropout, a wayward child of his god. He's a loyal servant to his Prince, Tyvia's future Royal Inventor, the brightest mind of the Empire. He's young, and he's learning and refuses to let other people define him when he cannot yet define himself. (a.k.a. the redemption arc Kirin deserved) ● Sea of Regret, Knife of Redemption (Daud/Thomas, M) — ongoing — Daud and Thomas, the Royal Spymasters of Tyvia and Wei-Ghon, team up with Billie to save Sokolov and solve the mystery of Delilah's escape from the Void. The Many-Eyed Bird might be willing to help, too. (think Dishonored 2, but Daud is the protagonist and Jindosh & Hypatia work against Delilah and her her circle.)

American Gods

● A Little Prayer (The Jinn | Ifrit/Salim, T, >1k) — a fluffy little reunion fic set post-season 1

[satansaidmyturnintheh3llscape]

Everything Right/Wrong with Ninjago “Legacy of the Green Ninja” E2: Pirates Vs. Ninja

Disclaimers: Show owned by LEGO. This is not a professional review/critique - it’s mainly intended for comedy.

- Intro ✅

- Soto writes in his journal vertically ❌

- Actual dr*nk pirate in a kids show ❌

- “… the fabled Island of Darkness.” Foreshadowing ✅

- First 2 minutes of a kids show depicts a pirate crew dying violently at sea… maybe this is why they were allowed to show the dr*nk guy ❌

- “Woah, grasshopper!” Grasshopper ✅

- “How about some target practice? On Kai!” If Kai’s the target, then why is Cole wearing the bowl on his head? ❌

- Wait is someone actually allowing Ultra Dragon to perch on their roof, or is Nya sitting him here without the building owner’s consent? ❌

- “Like a magic portal?” Was that another voice swap?!? Godd*mmit, I thought we left these in season 1! ❌

- “Keep up with him you slithering idiots!” They don’t slither - they have legs! ❌

- I know why Garmadon can’t hurt Ultra, but give me one reason as to why Ultra can’t just turn around and blow the ship up ❌

- “This crew sounds like they knew how to fly a ship!” They gave the wheel to the dude with no eyes ❌

- “Welcome to Grand Sensei Dareth’s Mojo Dojo.” No. ❌

- Look, Dareth gets better in later seasons. I enjoy him in Crystalized and Prime Empire and stuff, but early Dareth? I wanna snap his spine like a KitKat.

- ^ How does Dareth untangled himself from those bead things that easily without them getting tangled into each other? Maybe Dareth is really the master of beads… or balls? ⬇️

- ^ yeah, that adds up

- “How many trophies do you have?” 30 something-year old man makes fun of an 8 year old for literally no reason ❌

- “… Lord Garmadon destroyed the Devourer.” I’m only gonna mention this briefly since I’ll go into more detail during season 8 but Garmadon never would’ve been able to do sh*t against the Devourer had it not been for the ninja trapping it. ❌

- ^ I’m living for the hand gestures Kai makes during this scene ✅

- “It only has the power to create!” Or it only works when you say “I wish.” You didn’t say that with Ultra, but you did say it with the pirates. Look, all I’m saying is Garmadon comes to this conclusion a bit too quickly ❌

- Taking a villain that’s bent on destruction and equipping him with a weapon that can’t destroy anything but can only create stuff is a genuinely interesting concept. Personally, I just wish it was done better than it was, because it had a lot of potential that I felt wasn’t really lived up to. ❌

- “But instead of 10 boards, how about 50?” End me now please ❌

- Also, Jeffy and Phil are literally just Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. Usually, I’d win this like I do with most references but this is a sin because f*ck JK R*wling ❌

- “I don’t like the kid coming along.” The kid ✅

- “Please, please, please? I’ll be super good!” He’s just a little guy :( ✅

- The ninja think it’d be too dangerous to take Lloyd with them, so they decide to leave him alone on a public bus that could travel anywhere around the city? ❌

- “Pajama man!” PAJAMA MAN ✅

- “Dang it, Dareth!” A slightly more PG version of what I would say

- Did they actually have the money to pay for these costumes or did they legit steal them? ❌

- Jay literally looks Kai up and down and says “wow.” Bisexual Jay canon? ✅

- “We have to save him.” “We can’t get close enough without blowing our cover!” Kai thinks their cover is more important than Dareth. I mean, I agree, but still ❌

- “who here wants to see him go splat?” ME!

- “Who here wants to see him live!” *confused pirate noises* ✅

- Also, neither Jay nor Kai speak up when Jay says that. Again, I agree, but these guys are supposed to be the heroes! ❌

- Where are Zane and Cole throughout the entire plank scene? ❌

- “More pajama men?” “Where? I can’t see!” Are jokes about blind people forgetting they’re blind similar to when bilingual characters “forget to switch” which language they’re speaking in? ❌

- “Ninja vs pirates… who will win?” I still think that the fact that we didn’t get a definitive answer to this question is the soul reason for why Skybound was made. I’m gonna let you all decide if that’s a sin or win.

- Since when does Zane use smoke bombs? ❌

- Okay who put a gum ball machine on the Bounty and why???? ❌

- “Jay!” Okay, but I’m with Jay on this one. If y’all are gonna be dumb enough to actually fall a victim to this gum ball thing I think you deserve the face the consequences ❌

- Lloyd just completely took Zane out I’m- ✅

- Kai puts Lloyd upside down in a BARREL because surely that’s safe /s ❌

- “I just did Spinjitzu for the first time!” Why does this line delivery remind me of the dialogue from Dora the Explorer? ❌

- I know we established that Lloyd can harness all four elements of creation, but this energy ball/green power thing really did just come out of nowhere, didn’t it? ❌

- “Your powers are too uncontrollable!” Cole wants to warn Lloyd so bad that he astral projects his voice through Kai to do so ❌

- Annndddd Nya just tore the sail ❌

- “You’re getting stronger son, but you’ll never be strong enough to defeat me! Give up, before it’s too late!” Well this dynamic seems a little… different compared to the last time we saw it? ❌

- Also, shouldn’t Lloyd be getting punished for this? He was told not to come because it’s dangerous (and it is) and he ignored them and went anyway. He seriously could’ve gotten killed! I’m not saying he needs to be grounded for life or anything but the ninja should explain to him why he shouldn’t have come. ❌

- I’m sorry I love the way they’re all staring affectionately at Lloyd. Like, he’s their little brother and they love him and ahhhh ✅

Sentence: Dareth

[stevensbf]

I’m pissing myself that Lorax script is like a more hellish color of the sky post

Hello, everybody. Thanks for comin’.

I am the Lorax.

I speak for the trees.

And I’d like to say a few words, if you please.

Regarding the story that you’re about to see it actually happened.

Just take it from me.

But there’s more to this story than what’s on the page,

so please pay attention while I set the stage.

We open in Thneedville, a city they say

that was plastic and fake, and they liked it that way!

A town without nature, not one living tree.

So, what happened to them?

Cue the music! Let’s see.

Buzz. Buzz.

♪ In Thneedville, ♪ ♪ it’s a brand new dawn ♪

♪ With brand new cars ♪ ♪ and houses and lawns ♪

♪ Here in ♪ ♪ Got-all-that-we-need-ville ♪

♪ In Thneedville, ♪ ♪ we manufacture our trees ♪

♪ Each one is made in factories ♪

♪ And uses 96 batteries ♪

♪ In Thneedville, ♪ ♪ the air’s not so clean ♪

♪ So we buy it fresh ♪

♪ It comes out this machine! ♪

♪ In Satisfaction’s-♪ ♪ guaranteed-ville ♪

♪ In Thneedville, ♪ ♪ we don’t want to know ♪

♪ Where the smog and trash ♪ ♪ and chemicals go ♪

♪ I just went swimming, ♪ ♪ and now I glow ♪

♪ In Thneedville, ♪ ♪ we have fun year round ♪

♪ We surf and snowboard ♪ ♪ right in town ♪

♪ We thank the Lord ♪ ♪ for all we’ve got ♪

♪ Including this ♪ ♪ brand new parking lot! ♪

♪ Parking lot! ♪

♪ Oh, look, it’s Aloysius O’Hare ♪

♪ Aloysius O’Hare ♪

♪ The man who found ♪ ♪ a way to sell air ♪

♪ And became a zillionaire ♪

♪ Hip-hip-hooray! ♪

♪ In Thneedville, ♪ ♪ we love living this way ♪

♪ It’s like living in paradise ♪

♪ It’s perfect! ♪ ♪ And that’s how it will stay ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Here in ♪ ♪ Love-the-life-we-lead-ville ♪

♪ Destined-to-succeed-ville ♪

♪ We-are-all-agreed-ville ♪

♪ We love it here in… ♪

♪ Thneedville! ♪

Yes!

Oh, hi, Ted.

Oh, hey, Audrey. Hi.

Did your ball land in my backyard again?

What? No. A model airplane, this time.

Hey, do you want to see something cool? Come on.

Whoa!

Did you… Did you paint this?

Do you like it?

What? Are you kidding? This is amazing! What are those?

Those are trees. Real ones. They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk!

Wow! What does that even mean?

I know, right?

Oh, yeah.

What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree growing in my backyard.

So if, say… I’m just thinking out loud here. If a guy somehow got you one…

I’d probably marry him on the spot. I bet that sounds crazy. Does that sound crazy?

No! Not crazy. Not crazy at all.

* * *

Ted, honey, don’t play with your food. You, either, Mom.

So, Mom, do you happen to know if there’s any place where I could get a real tree?

Ted, we already have a tree. It’s the latest model.

Yeah, but I mean a real one that grows out of the ground or whatever. You know, a real tree.

Really?

You would rather have some dirty, messy lump of wood that just sticks out of the ground? And it does what? I don’t even know what it does. What’s its purpose? Look at what we’ve got. It’s the Oak-amatic. The only tree with its own remote. Summer, autumn, winter, and disco!

Mom? Come on, Ted. Get into it.

Dance with the tree.

Oh, it hurts, Mom. Please stop.

So, anyway… Let’s just say I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?

Then you know what? You need to find the Once-ler.

The What?

Mom, it’s not really the time for one of your magical fables, okay?

That’s right, I forgot. I’m old and can’t even remember to put my teeth in.

Stand down. That’s not what I meant.

No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?

Sure, Mom.

Okay, here’s the deal. The Once-ler is the man who knows what happened to the trees. You want one, you need to find him.

The Once-ler? Mmm-hmm. Okay. Grammy, is this a real thing that we’re talking about now?

Oh, he’s real all right.

Well, where can I find him?

Far outside of town where the grass never grows and the wind smells slow and sour when it blows. And no birds ever sing, excepting old crows.

Quit doing that.

That’s the place where the Once-ler lives.

Wait, outside of town?

People used to say if you brought him 15 cents, a nail and the shell of a great, great, great grandfather snail, he would tell you everything.

* * *

Hmm.

Mr. O’Hare, what we’ve got for you is something that is going to take O’Hare Air to the next level.

Now, Mr. O’Hare, I know what you’re thinking. One, “I’ve gotten rich selling people air that’s” “fresher than the stinky stuff outside.” Two, and here is the important one, “How can I possibly make even more money?” We can tell you, sir! We can tell you.

Check out this commercial, huh?

Well, here goes another lame Saturday.

Dude, I don’t think so! Huh!

Hey!

Man!

Oh, yeah!

What!

Yeah!

O’Hare purified air. Freshness to go. Please breathe responsibly.

Ah?

Oh, my goodness. Yeah! Love it.

You got to be kidding me. You really think people are stupid enough to buy this?

Our research shows that if you put something in a plastic bottle, people will buy it.

Exactly. And…

And what’s more, when we build a new factory to make the plastic bottles, the air quality is just going to get worse.

Which will make people want our air even more, and drive sales where?

Through the roof!

So, in other words, the more smog in the sky, the more people will buy.

See, that’s why he’s the genius!

It even rhymes!

I’m aware it rhymes.

Coats. Big.

What do you two knuckleheads want? I’m in the middle of a meeting!

What?

Why is he leaving town? No one ever leaves town! See what he’s up to.

* * *

Whoa!

Huh?

Whoa! Whoa.

Oh, man.

Whoa!

All right.

Okay.

What the…

Whoa!

Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?

I’m Ted. I’m Ted. I can’t breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man.

Didn’t you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don’t let the boot hit you on the way out.

The boot?

Hello!

Ow!

Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. No, no, no!

Trees?

Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? Hello?

Sorry, it’s just… Well, I didn’t think anyone still cared about trees.

Well, that’s me. The guy who still cares. I’m here. Hey! What?

Do you want to know about trees? About what happened to them? Why they’re all gone? It’s because of me.

Wait, what?

It’s because of me! And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of a thousand.

All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that’s cool.

You’re darn right it was cool! It all started a long time ago.

Can we start not so long ago, maybe?

Do you want a tree?

Yes, yes.

Then it all started a long, long time ago. I was a young man leaving home…

Well, here I go, Mom. Off to change the world with my Thneed. I’m actually doing it!

Yes, but just remember, Oncie, if somehow your invention ends up a failure instead of a success, oh, it wouldn’t surprise me at all!

Nice wheels. Burn! Ow!

Yeah, “Burn!” But you will see, okay? I’m going to prove you all wrong. Come on, Melvin!

So, there I was at the very bottom. With nothing but a wagon, a mule, and a completely irrational sense of optimism.

I was searching the globe, obsessed with finding the perfect material for my Thneed. But I’d had absolutely no success. Until one day, I found paradise…

Oh! We’re going to be there soon, I’m sure. Whoa!

This is the most beautiful place, okay, I have ever seen.

Oh.

Ta-da!

Whoa!

Yeah.

♪ This is it ♪

♪ This is the place ♪

♪ These Truffula trees ♪ ♪ are just what I need ♪

♪ Gonna chop one down ♪ ♪ and make my Thneed ♪

♪ But first… ♪

♪ Na! Na! Nanana Na! ♪

♪ Na Na Nana Nanana Na Na… ♪

♪ Now you! ♪

♪ That’s great! ♪

♪ So now our ♪ ♪ friendship can begin ♪

♪ Hand in hand, ♪ ♪ and wing and fin ♪

♪ There’s nothing ♪ ♪ you and I can’t do ♪

♪ So let’s all make ♪ ♪ my dreams come true ♪

Hey, guys! Come on, where is my back-up chorus?

What?

Ah-ha! Oh.

Ooh!

Hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute.

Excuse me?

Yeah, that’s awesome. Feeding junk food to forest animals? That’s great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? Because I would love to hear that one.

Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story, and was never heard from again.

Right, got it. Proceed.

All right, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.

Check it out, guys… Where did everybody go?

Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.

Hey!

Whoo!

Did you chop down this tree?

Uh… No.

Who did it?

What’s that? I think he did it.

Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your ax and get out!

And who are you?

I’m the Lorax! Guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. So you’re telling me, you just didn’t see me magically appear out of that stump? With all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn’t see any of that?

No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?

Uh, yeah, I could show you. But that’s not how it works.

Okay. Um… Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw! Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy…

How dare you! Give me that! Mmm. I’m going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.

What are you… Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? What’s your deal, man?

Pull them right out Time for you to go, Beanpole!

Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.

Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature’s innocent creatures?

What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!

Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. Shame on you. For shame!

All right, you know what? That’s it! You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I’m going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story.

Then you leave me no choice. If you’re not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. Thanks.

Yeah, okay.

You have been warned.

But I didn’t listen to his warning. And you won’t believe what happened that night.

What?

If you want to hear more, come back tomorrow.

Hey, wait, wait! Tomorrow?

Whoa!

Whoa-ho-ho.

Are you serious right now?

Ah! You live in the middle of nowhere!

It stinks out here. Don’t make me come back!

I guess you don’t really want to hear the rest of the story.

No, no.

I do. I really do. I want to hear the story. I just…

Nah! You don’t have what it takes. Goodbye.

Wait, wait! I have what it takes. It’s all right. It’s okay, I’ll come back. It’s no problem. See, here I am, leaving. Walking away now. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Mmm. Maybe. Just maybe.

* * *

What did you wish for, Audrey?

Well, I would love to tell you, but, sadly, according to the universal wish laws, I cannot I know what she wished for.

Was it, perhaps… This?

Ted, you didn’t.

Oh, no. I totally did. Happy birthday, Audrey.

Kiss him! Kiss him!

Ted. Ted. Tedster.

Huh!

You’re kissing the cereal again, hon. What?

I just… I like this cereal.

What one is this? Yeah!

Okay.

Well, I’ll make sure to buy extra next time for you.

All right, cool. Hey, I got to run. I got to go do a thing. So, I’ll see you guys.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You’re not going anywhere, young man. It’s Sunday. You know what that means? Family time, and we’re all playing board games!

But…

Hmm. Mmm?

Oh, man.

Mom, seriously, every turn?

Hey, back off! Ooh! No.

Okay! Family time is over. It is now personal time. I’ll be in my room.

Okay, dear. Have fun.

I knew I could break her. Go.

Huh?

Go see him!

Oh, yeah! You rule! Thank you, Grammy.

* * *

Whoa!

Hey! Ted, right?

Um, Mr. O’Hare?

So, I hear you have become interested in trees. What’s that all about?

Oh. Um… Where did you hear that?

Oh. Teddy, there’s not much that goes on in Thneedville that I don’t know about. Here’s the deal, I make a living selling fresh air to people. Trees? They make it for free. So, when I hear people talking about them, I consider it kind of a threat to my business.

I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

You listen to me, boy. Don’t go poking around in things you don’t understand or I’ll be your worst nightmare. I’m Frankenstein’s head on a spider’s body!

Yeah, um… Okay, my mom is expecting me. So, I’m just going to…

Of course, of course. Now, go back to your family game time. Grandma just finished her turn.

How did you know?

Please. I have eyes everywhere.

Huh!

You got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. Why, I can’t think of any reason you would ever want to go outside of town again.

Even.

Okay! Good talk. Really good talk.

Oh, no. Look out! Hey, man? You know, you need to change that door bell.

Oh, you missed me.

What?

You’re already back. Clearly, you missed me a little. Right?

No, I didn’t. I’m just here to hear the end of the story.

Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren’t you like other kids, break dancing and wearing bell-bottoms, and playing the Donkey Kongs?

Yeah, right, right. I don’t know.

Uh, I just thought it would be kind of cool to have one, you know?

Huh? It’s a girl, isn’t it?

What? No!

Really? Because when a guy does something stupid once, well, that’s because he’s a guy. But if he does the same stupid thing twice, it’s usually to impress some girl.

Hey, she is not some girl! She’s a woman, in high school. And she loves trees. And I’m going to get her one.

Aw! How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like reality.

Thank you.

All right, but where did we leave off?

* * *

Now that’s a Thneed. Nothing unmanly about knitting. No, sir. Look at that…

Oh! Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?

Shh!

Okay, nice and easy.

Nice work, you guys. Couldn’t have done it without you.

You got to be kidding me. Can he swim? Of course he can’t swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I’m coming to get you!

Hey, you fishies! Stop that bed!

Whoo! Whoo!

Jump, jump! Come on, get up there. Come on. Go, go! A little bit more! A little bit more!

Now what?

Mmm-mmm.

Get up there. Okay, Pipsqueak, give me your hand. Come on, reach out for the Lorax. Where did you go?

Bar-ba-loots.

Oh, that’s bad.

Hey, Beanpole, wake up!

What’s happening? Where am I?

Hey! We got trouble, and it’s coming up fast!

Whoo! We’re in a river!

Whew!

Oh, no.

Just do something!

Help is on the way!

No, no!

Just a minute!

Oh, no! Wake up! Wake up! Yuck!

Clear!

Ah!  I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back and here I am! You saved my life!

Yeah, I know. Well, no, it’s not that big a deal.

It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! Wait… On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?

Uh… About that… Actually… I put your bed in the water. I didn’t mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you’re chopping them down! So, we’ve got a big problem.

All right, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise.

Thank you. But I’m going to keep my eye on you.

Good. Now, I’ve got a big day tomorrow so I’m going to get some sleep. Right after I find my bed.

* * *

Ow!

Okay, what are you… Question, what are they doing here? And follow up, if I may, what are you doing here?

Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it.

But when we got here, you were asleep.

What?

Ew!

Exactly. And sleeping is the body’s way of telling other people to go away.

I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.

“No harm done”? “No harm done”? Okay.

Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway.

Ew. Did you just… In my bowl!

Why do you have one of these? You don’t even have a mustache.

Okay, that’s it!

What? I thought we made a deal last night.

Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn’t chop down any more trees.

And I said I was going to keep an eye on you.

I’m starving. What’s for breakfast? Breakfast is overrated.

You know what? I got work to do. Yeah. I got to go into town and sell my Thneed.

You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage? Look at that…

“Garbage”? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. It has a million uses! Look at this. It’s a swimsuit! Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! But wait, there’s more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! It also works as a hat. Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.

Go ahead, knock yourself out. But nobody is going to buy that thing.

Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.

You’re bringing a guitar?

Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I’m gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! Yeah.

♪ Everybody needs a Thneed ♪

♪ A fine thing that all people… ♪

Sit down, go on.

Unfortunately, I didn’t sell it the first day.

♪ The Thneed is good ♪

♪ The Thneed is great… ♪

Hey!

Or the second day.

Hey!

Or the third, or fourth, or fifth day.

Okay, that one hit the tender spot.

Until finally…

That’s it! You know what?

I’m done with this thing.

Aw.

My family was right. I quit!

Hey. Cool hat.

Oh, my gosh! I totally want one.

That thing makes me like you more.

Hey! Where’s your Thneed, did you sell it?

Hey. No, no. Didn’t sell it. Turns out, it’s ahead of its time, I guess.

Hey, you gave it your best shot. Right? What more can you do? Come on, take a seat, we’ll deal you in.

What are we playing?

I’m playing poker. He’s playing Go Fish. And I think he’s hungry.

Ohhh.

♪ Pancake, the pancake ♪

Up!

Who is up for ninths?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Whoa! All right, pass them over.

Yeah, see? What’s going on?

Oh, no. That’s a lot of people.

♪ Everybody needs a Thneed ♪

♪ A fine thing ♪ ♪ that all people need ♪ ♪ The Thneed is good ♪ ♪ The Thneed is great ♪ ♪ Let’s hope we’re not too late ♪

♪ It’s a super trendy hat ♪ ♪ It’s a tightrope for an acrobat ♪ ♪ A net for catching butterflies ♪ ♪ A thing we use for exercise ♪

♪ Everybody needs a Thneed ♪ ♪ A fine thing ♪ ♪ that all people need ♪ ♪ Everybody needs a Thneed ♪

Oh, yeah! We’re in business, baby!

♪ We need a Thneed ♪

Mom? Hey, it’s me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We’re going to be rich! What? I’m going to need all the help I can get. Don’t worry.

* * *

So, has he told you how to get a tree yet?

Actually, no. But I think he’s going to get to that part really soon.

Here we are.

What? I’ll just be a minute.

Oh, wow. Hey, Audrey!

Oh, hi, Ted! What’s up?

You know me, just cruising. Putting out the vibe. Just me and my thoughts.

Oh, is this the girl you’re always talking about?

Grandma! Stop making things up.

She’s even prettier than…

Okay, got to run! Bye.

Okay, Grammy, let’s get you home!

Yeah!

Whoa! I’m so sorry. So sorry. Did not wanna see that.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa-ho-ho!

Hey!

Hey, I’m back.

What have you got there? Yes!

Whoa!

Thank you, Ted. Now, picture this. Sun shining, a blue sky, a perfect day. It was all downhill from there.

Whoa!

What a dump.

Hey, Aunt Grizelda!

Hey, Chet, check this out! Go long!

No, Brett, that’s actually not a… Okay.

Go long! Go long!

I got it! I got it!

Got it!

He totally ran into that tree!

Ow!

Oncie, is that you?

Mom!

There he is! There’s my big, suddenly successful son! We always knew you would make it, Oncie. Right?

Hey! I love this guy!

But you always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, remember? Hush your mouth. I was just trying to motivate you!

I am really glad that you clarified that because it actually hurt my feelings for a really long time. Anyway, you’re all here, you all work for me, and that’s cool. So, let’s get to work.

Brett, Chet, set up the RV! Would you stop throwing that bear?

Time out. Back up. Stop. Don’t move an inch. Nobody’s moving in here. You got to go. Goodbye.

So, who invited the giant, furry peanut?

You calling me a peanut, huh? I’ll go right up your nose!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You wouldn’t hit a woman.

That’s a woman?

Okay. Everyone, cool it. Let’s not get off on the wrong foot here. Um, family, this is my friend…

Acquaintance.

Yeah, acquaintance. Very good acquaintance, the Lorax. He speaks for the trees.

That’s right. And on behalf of the trees, get out!

Will you just be nice! This is my family. And I’m going to need their help if my company is going to get bigger. Okay?

Bigger?

Yeah, this isn’t some rinky-dink operation anymore. I got plans. Big plans! A vision of a world filled with Thneeds. It’s going to be huge!

Which way does a tree fall?

Uh, down?

A tree falls the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

* * *

I mean, look at this. It’s amazing. I am so proud of me.

Oncie, we’ve got us a little problem.

Problem?

Mmm-hmm. See, we’re not making Thneeds fast enough.

Harvesting the tufts takes too long!

Well, what else can we do?

Well, and this just came to me, we could always start chopping down the trees.

What?

Now you’re thinking. That would speed things up!

But…

No “but” s, Oncie. You’re running a business now. You have to do what’s best for the company, and your momma.

Well, I guess it couldn’t hurt to chop down a few trees.

You’ve made me so proud, Oncie. Come here!

Hey! I love this guy!

No! No, no, no! Stop it! Please, stop.

Take that, you stupid tree!

Where do you think you’re going?

Excuse me, sir. I need to talk with your boss.

Oh, I’m sorry, but Mr. Once-ler’s not seeing anyone right now.

Yeah, well, he’ll see me. So… Hey, keep your paws off me!

Give me a reason, Shorty.

Hey, you broke your promise. You’re better than this. You gotta stop! This is bad!

Have a nice day!

Bad? I’m not bad, I’m the good guy here. He just doesn’t get it. Do you think I’m bad? Thank you! I mean, something good finally happens to me, and he just has to come along and rain on my parade. What’s his problem? See? Yeah, bad! Right.

♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just doin’ ♪ ♪ what comes naturally ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just following my destiny ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just doin’ ♪ ♪ what comes naturally ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ How bad can I possibly be? ♪

♪ Well, there’s ♪ ♪ a principle in nature ♪ ♪ Principle in nature ♪ ♪ That almost ♪ ♪ every creature knows ♪ ♪ Called survival of the fittest ♪ ♪ Survival of the fittest ♪ ♪ And check it, ♪ ♪ this is how it goes ♪ ♪ The animal that wins ♪ ♪ gotta scratch and fight ♪ ♪ And claw and bite and punch ♪ ♪ And the animal that doesn’t ♪ ♪ Well, the animal that doesn’t ♪ ♪ Winds up someone else’s ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la lunch ♪ ♪ Munch, munch, munch, munch, ♪ ♪ munch I’m just sayin’ ♪

♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just doin’ ♪ ♪ what comes naturally ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just following my destiny ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just doin’ ♪ ♪ what comes naturally ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ How bad can I possibly be? ♪

♪ There’s a principle in business ♪ ♪ Principle in business ♪ ♪ That everybody knows is sound ♪ ♪ It says the people with the ♪ ♪ money People with the money ♪ ♪ Make this ♪ ♪ ever-loving world go round ♪ ♪ So I’m biggering my company ♪ ♪ I’m biggering my factory ♪ ♪ I’m biggering my corporate sign ♪ ♪ Bigger, bigger! ♪ ♪ Everybody out there ♪ ♪ You take care of yours ♪ ♪ I’ll take care of ♪ ♪ mine-mine-mine-mine-mine ♪ ♪ Shake that bottom line ♪ ♪ Let me hear you ♪ ♪ say Smogulous Smoke! ♪ ♪ Smogulous Smoke! ♪ ♪ Schloppity-Schlopp! ♪ ♪ Complain all you want It’s never, ♪ ♪ ever, ever, ever gonna stop ♪ ♪ Stop! ♪

♪ Come on, ♪ ♪ how bad can I possibly be? ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just building the economy ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ Just look at me ♪ ♪ petting this puppy ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ A portion of proceeds ♪ ♪ goes to charity ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ How bad could I possibly be? ♪ ♪ Let’s see! ♪ ♪ All the customers are buying ♪ ♪ And the money’s multiplying ♪ ♪ And the PR people are lying ♪ ♪ And the lawyers are denying ♪ ♪ Who cares if ♪ ♪ a few trees are dying? ♪ ♪ This is all so gratifying! ♪ ♪ How bad? ♪ ♪ How bad can this possibly be? ♪

So, how are things?

What are you doing here?

Happy yet? You fill that hole deep down inside you? Or do you still need more?

Look, if you’ve got a problem with what I’m doing, why haven’t you used your quote-unquote powers to stop me?

I told you, that’s not how it works.

Right, I forgot. You’re a fraud. I need you to get out. Now!

Why? Do I make you uncomfortable? Remind you of the promises you made? The man you used to be?

You know what? You can just shut your mustache. My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal. I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees into Thneeds. And nothing is going to stop me!

Well, that’s it. The very last one. That may stop you.

Somebody sure made a bundle on that thing. I wonder what the next million dollar invention’s going to be.

Yeah, I wonder…

Son, you have let me down. Brett, you are now my favorite child.

Hey, look, I don’t want any trouble.

And you won’t get any. Not from them. Thanks to you and your hacking, and smogging and glupping, they can’t live here anymore. So, I’m sending them off. Hopefully, they’ll be able to find a better place out there somewhere.

Melvin? Melvin… Hey, Pipsqueak… Hey…

So, this is really all your fault. You destroyed everything.

Yes. And each day since the Lorax left, I’ve sat here regretting everything I’ve done, staring at that word, “unless,” and wondering what it meant. But now I’m thinking… Well, maybe you’re the reason the Lorax left that word there.

Me? Why would he leave that for me?

Because unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.

The last Truffula seed. You need to plant it, Ted.

Yeah, but, nobody cares about trees anymore.

Then make them care. Plant the seed in the middle of town, where everyone can see. Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it’s not about what it is, it’s about what it can become. That’s not just a seed, any more than you’re just a boy.

I won’t let you down.

I know.

* * *

Hey, Audrey! Audrey!

Ted?

What are you doing?

Meet me at my house.

Wait, but…

My house, okay?

Got to plant the seed. Okay, we’re going to need water. And uh, something to dig with.

Um, what do I have… Ted?

Mom, I’m busy, Mom.

Theodore Wiggins, get down here right now, and I am not kidding with you!

Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O’Hare, the most powerful man in town.

There he is! Hello, Ted.

Uh…

Hi. Isn’t he clever, Mr. O’Hare? He knows his own name and everything.

You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I’ll stay here and talk.

Sure, why don’t you go ahead and adopt him? I’m just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I’ll get your cookie.

I know you have it, Ted. So, let’s put an end to this nonsense, shall we? Hand it over.

I’m sorry… I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Really? Well, then… I guess you wouldn’t mind us checking your room.

No, no, no!

Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!

No, you can’t go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can’t come in my room!

Find it! Find it!

What is going on here?

This doesn’t involve you! Get back downstairs!

Excuse me, down there! I don’t care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.

Fine. Sorry. Must have been a misunderstanding. We’ll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe.

Mind telling me what’s going on here?

The seed! Where is it?

Seed?

Where’s Grammy?

It’s alive! I remember you.

Ted, what…

Audrey!

Hey, did you want to… Well, okay!

Ted, what is this about?

It’s about this.

Wait, wait, wait.

Is that… Yes. The last Truffula seed. And you���re going to help me plant it right in the middle of town where everyone can see it.

I could just kiss you right now!

We don’t have time for that.

I don’t know, we have a little time. But, you know what, let’s just go. Let’s go. Forget about it.

Maniac! Hey!

Ah! Here it comes! I’m going for it.

Oh, hello!

Ted, big scary blimp coming.

Whoa!

You won’t get away with this, boy!

Bam!

Go faster, you idiot!

Yeah!

Step on it, Ted!

Whoa!

You’re fired!

Whoa! Ted, look out!

Nobody beats Aloysius O…

Ted…

This is not good. How’s it doing?

Whoa-ho-ho!

Loser!

Oh, really?

Oh, no. The seed!

Get that seed!

Hang on! Here we go!

Grammy!

Seriously, how cool is your grandma?

No!

Come on!

Yeah, that’s right.

There it is!

Hey! Watch the road, you meathead!

Ah!

Hey, ow, ow! Oh, come on!

What the… Get it unstuck, get it unstuck!

Bring it on, Teddy! You don’t have the guts!

Ted!

Grammy!

Whoo-hoo! Yes!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! It’s Mr. O…

Take that, shorty!

Okay, we have to get this in the ground.

But where? There’s no dirt anywhere.

No, Grammy…

Hey, get out of there!

Ah!

Hey!

What?

See, what did I tell you? Easy. Huh?

Hey, they broke O’Hare’s head!

What do you think you’re doing, kid?

Um, I’m looking for a place to plant a tree.

A real one.

Why would we need a tree?

Exactly.

Oh, man.

Folks… The last thing you want around here is trees. They’re filthy! Spewing that sticky, nasty sap all over the place. They bring poisonous ants and stinging bees.

Hey!

Ouch. Think about the kids. And, I just thought, you know, they make leaves! You know that, right? Then these leaves, they just fall. They just fall wherever they want!

Come on! We know why you’re really against trees. Because they produce fresh air.

For free!

Oh! I am wounded! You have lied!

It is not a lie! It’s called photosynthesis.

Come on. She’s making that up! That’s a made-up word, people! Thneedville is perfect just the way it is. We don’t need trees! That boy has a seed. We need to stop him! Who’s with me? Come on!

O’Hare is right!

Seeds will ruin us all!

Stop it!

Last chance, kid. Hand it over! Where do you think you’re going?

Come on, let’s go!

Get in, get in!

Hey! Stop that maniac!

Excuse me, excuse me. Watch out!

Ted, you’re going to hit the wall!

Yeah. I know.

Wow. Did you see that? Who does this kid think he is, huh?

I am Ted Wiggins. And I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren’t perfect here in Thneedville. And they’re only going to get worse, unless we do something about it, unless we change our ways. And we can start by planting this!

Okay. Come on, now. Everything is fine. Right? I say we tell this kid what we think about that seed! People, come on!

You! Get out there right now and get these people on my side, or else you’re fired! Go on, tell them what you think.

♪ You don’t know me, ♪ ♪ but my name’s Cy ♪ ♪ I’m just ♪ ♪ the O’Hare delivery guy ♪ ♪ But it seems like ♪ ♪ trees might be worth a try ♪ ♪ So I say let it grow ♪

♪ My name is Dan ♪ ♪ And my name’s Rose ♪ ♪ Our son Wesley kind of glows ♪ ♪ And that’s not good, ♪ ♪ so we suppose ♪ ♪ We should let it grow ♪

♪ Let it grow, let it grow ♪ ♪ You can’t reap ♪ ♪ what you don’t sow ♪ ♪ Plant a seed inside the Earth ♪ ♪ Just one way to know its worth ♪ ♪ Let’s celebrate ♪ ♪ the world’s rebirth ♪ ♪ We say let it grow ♪

♪ My name’s Marie, ♪ ♪ and I am three! ♪ ♪ I would really ♪ ♪ like to see a tree ♪ ♪ I say let it grow ♪

♪ I’m Grammy Norma I’m old, ♪ ♪ and I’ve got gray hair ♪ ♪ But I remember when ♪ ♪ trees were everywhere ♪ ♪ And no one had to pay for air ♪ ♪ So I say let it grow ♪

♪ Let it grow, let it grow ♪ ♪ Like it did so long ago ♪ ♪ It is just one tiny seed ♪ ♪ But it’s all we really need ♪ ♪ It’s time to change ♪ ♪ the life we lead ♪ ♪ Time to let it grow ♪

♪ My name’s O’Hare, ♪ ♪ I’m one of you ♪ ♪ I live here in Thneedville, too ♪ ♪ The things you say ♪ ♪ just might be true ♪ ♪ It could be time to start anew ♪ ♪ And maybe change ♪ ♪ my point of view ♪

Nah! I say let it die!

♪ Let it die, let it die ♪ ♪ Let it shrivel up and… ♪

Come on, who’s with me?

Nobody.

♪ You greedy dirt-bag-‘ ♪

♪ Let it grow, let it grow ♪ ♪ Let the love inside you show ♪ ♪ Plant a seed inside the Earth ♪ ♪ Just one way to know its worth ♪ ♪ Let’s celebrate ♪ ♪ the world’s rebirth ♪ ♪ We say let it grow ♪

♪ Let it grow, let it grow ♪ ♪ You can’t reap ♪ ♪ what you don’t sow ♪ ♪ It’s just one tiny seed ♪ ♪ But it’s all we really need ♪ ♪ It’s time to ♪ ♪ banish all your greed ♪ ♪ Imagine Thneedville ♪ ♪ flowered and treed ♪ ♪ Let this be our solemn creed ♪

Thank you, Ted.

♪ We say let it grow ♪ ♪ In Thneedville ♪ ♪ We say let it grow ♪ ♪ It’s a brand new dawn ♪ ♪ We say let it grow ♪ ♪ In Thneedville ♪ ♪ We say let it grow ♪ ♪ It’s a brand new dawn ♪

You done good, Beanpole. You done good.

By the way, nice mustache.

UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.

—Dr. Seuss

[wren-of-the-woods]

Nought But Fumble Falls And Guns And Tumbleweeds 

This is fanfiction of the film Giù la testa aka Duck, You Sucker! (aka A Fistful of Dynamite, aka Once Upon a Time: A Revolution. It’s complicated.) It’s an Italian western directed by Sergio Leone. I am aware that the fandom is essentially nonexisent. I do not care. If anyone else has seen the movie or just wants to read some characters they’re unfamiliar with, now’s your chance! 

Summary: Juan never cared about heroes and villains. It makes his life rather ironic. (A fix-it and a character study.) 

Also on AO3!

~~~

Juan remembers stories, told to him long ago by people he barely remembers. He remembers tales of wolves in woods, fables of noble kings and depraved witches. He remembers, once upon a time, being told of heroes and villains.

Juan never cared much about fairytales.

What did it matter what some faraway asshole in a fancy house decided was good or evil? What did it matter what anyone decided was good or evil? The world Juan knows is one of riches and poverty, of happiness and unhappiness, of life and death. The good he cares about happens when he and his family are on the more pleasant side of that duality. The evil he cares about happens when they are on the other. Nothing else matters much. Why would it? If God wanted him to care, he would have made it easier to care without dying.

Juan never cared about heroes and villains. It makes his life rather ironic.

~~~

“You’re a dirty villain,” the man hisses. Juan doesn’t know the man’s name. Juan doesn’t care. “You’re a stinking, thieving piece of scum, and one day some noble man will come along and send you to Hell where you belong.”

Juan gives him an unimpressed look and finishes stealing his (very nice) silk coat and the watch in its pocket.

“You’re going there first, old man,” he says. He puts the man in a cart and sends him rolling down the hill. His panicked sounds are very amusing. The rich old fucker had it coming, anyhow.

Juan hands a few coins from the man’s pockets to one of his sons. They will eat well tonight. Juan sees nothing villainous about that.

~~~

When he first meets Sean, Juan thinks he has encountered a kindred spirit. Sean doesn’t seem like the type to care whether or not something is heroic. The man is an asshole, but it's undeniable that he has useful skills. Juan could use someone like him on his team. With him, they could finally acquire their holy grail — the bank at Mesa Verde. With him, perhaps, they could finally achieve the life of luxury that Juan knows he and his family deserve.

Sean blows up their new carriage and runs away, but Juan knows he can catch up with him.

~~~

Some, Juan knows, would call the methods Juan employs once he catches up with Sean villainous. He will admit that it takes a little blackmail and a pinch of murder, but really it’s no worse than what those fuckers in the government do all the time. Besides, Sean makes a getaway shortly afterwards, so does it really matter?

They meet again in Mesa Verde. Soon, the bank will be Juan’s.

~~~

The hallowed bank of Mesa Verde, it turns out, is nothing but a fucking disappointment.

Juan does not want to rescue a bunch of random prisoners. He wants riches and treasure. Why else, pray tell, would he break into a bank?

“A great, grand, glorious hero of the revolution,” Sean calls him.

Sean is a fucking bastard.

Juan is none of those things. Everyone knows it. No one in their right mind will take this seriously.

~~~

They take it seriously.

~~~

Apparently, Juan was wrong. Sean does care about heroics. He cares about them in the most fucking idiotic way possible, which is the only reason that Juan finds himself hiding on a cliff face in front of literally hundreds of soldiers who want to kill them.

Juan does not mean to make a noble stand. Juan does not mean to help the revolution, let alone join it. Juan means to run away, not fight on the side of the underdogs.

Juan does not mean to be the only survivor.

The soldiers are dead. The revolutionaries are dead. Juan’s family is dead. Juan’s children are dead. They’re all the same now, food for maggots and worms.

Though they called him a hero, Juan has never felt like more of a villain.

~~~

When Sean goes up in flames, the last strands of rationality left in the world go with him. It feels like salt in a wound when Juan realizes that somehow that asshole had gained that much power over him.

Juan is hailed as more of a hero than ever, afterwards. Sean is given a hero’s memorial. It’s all so fucking wrong.

Juan is not the kind of person who should be the last man standing. Juan is not made for remembrance.

What about me? No one seems to know.

Heroes, after all, are generally supposed to answer those questions for themselves.

~~~

Two weeks later, Juan is just starting to drown his sorrows in a saloon when Sean appears out of the back room. He looks scratched up and slightly burnt and, somehow, alive.

To repeat: Sean is a fucking bastard.

Juan crosses the room and hugs him. Hard. Sean winces.

“You fucker. I hate you. Go to hell.”

“I very nearly did.”

Sean awkwardly pats him on the back. Juan does not let go.

“How the fuck are you still alive, anyway?”

“I ducked back. The explosion went off in front of me. It was the only way to get out of there safely without letting you risk your life.”

“And why did you care about my life, eh?”

“I’ve caused you enough pain, Juan. I didn’t want to get you killed.”

Juan considers this.

“You’re a bastard,” he decides.

Sean laughs. “That I am.”

They hug for a very long time.

~~~

They go to America. There’s nothing for them here, nothing that either of them really wants. They’ve both had enough of revolution to last a lifetime; even Sean’s strange thirst for nobility is sated.

They do, indeed, rob banks. Juan tries to make them known as the Johnny and Johnny duo, though the newspapers have yet to pick it up. They’ll wise up eventually. The name is catchy.

Every now and then, sitting in a saloon or inn somewhere, they hear people speak of Mexico. Once or twice, they even hear people speak of them.

“Did you hear about those heroes of the Mexican Revolution?” one boy asks another, years later. “Juan and Sean, they were called. They killed that Governor and rescued hundreds of people. They must have been magnificent.”

The other boy listens with shining eyes. Behind him, both Juan and Sean stifle their laughter. They’ve made quite a lot of money from various banks and are now nearly retired, traveling the country and making minor nuisances of themselves in nearly every state.

“Great, grand, glorious heroes of the revolution, eh?” says Juan to Sean.

“So it would seem,” says Sean. “I’ve made you famous.”

“I think it was me that made you famous.”

“Sure, Juan. Sure.”

As a celebratory toast, they down several more glasses of whiskey. When they leave the saloon, they are both laughing.

Juan never cared about heroes and villains. What other people thought of him is not his concern.

With Sean there to laugh about it with him, though, he finds that he doesn’t mind being thought of as a hero.

[foodandfolklore]

The Golden Goose is not the Goose that Laid the Golden Egg

There's a common saying in English. "You've gone and Killed the Golden Goose." It refers to an old Aesop's Fable about a Farmer who got Golden eggs every day from his Goose, until he got impatient and just cut the goose open trying to get at all the eggs. Only to find egg production doesn't work that way.

So when I was reading through my collection of Brother's Grimm stories, I was surprised to see a story called "The Golden Goose". Did they do their own retelling of this story? ...No. Like many of the Brother's Grimm stories, it Oddly has little to do with the title item. Do they share the same morals? Not really. Maybe some about greed, but I feel like the Golden Goose is more about Cooperation and using your wits.

So here; compare them for yourself.

The Goose that Laid the Golden Egg

There was once a Countryman who possessed the most wonderful Goose you can imagine, for every day when he visited the nest, the Goose had laid a beautiful, glittering, golden egg.

The Countryman took the eggs to market and soon began to get rich. But it was not long before he grew impatient with the Goose because she gave him only a single golden egg a day. He was not getting rich fast enough.

Then one day, after he had finished counting his money, the idea came to him that he could get all the golden eggs at once by killing the Goose and cutting it open. But when the deed was done, not a single golden egg did he find, and his precious Goose was dead.

The Golden Goose

There was a man who had three sons, the youngest of whom was called Dummling, and was despised, mocked, and sneered at on every occasion.

It happened that the eldest wanted to go into the forest to hew wood, and before he went his mother gave him a beautiful sweet cake and a bottle of wine in order that he might not suffer from hunger or thirst.

When he entered the forest he met a little grey-haired old man who bade him good day, and said: 'Do give me a piece of cake out of your pocket, and let me have a draught of your wine; I am so hungry and thirsty.' But the clever son answered: 'If I give you my cake and wine, I shall have none for myself; be off with you,' and he left the little man standing and went on.

But when he began to hew down a tree, it was not long before he made a false stroke, and the axe cut him in the arm, so that he had to go home and have it bound up. And this was the little grey man's doing.

After this the second son went into the forest, and his mother gave him, like the eldest, a cake and a bottle of wine. The little old grey man met him likewise, and asked him for a piece of cake and a drink of wine. But the second son, too, said sensibly enough: 'What I give you will be taken away from myself; be off!' and he left the little man standing and went on. His punishment, however, was not delayed; when he had made a few blows at the tree he struck himself in the leg, so that he had to be carried home.

Then Dummling said: 'Father, do let me go and cut wood.' The father answered: 'Your brothers have hurt themselves with it, leave it alone, you do not understand anything about it.' But Dummling begged so long that at last he said: 'Just go then, you will get wiser by hurting yourself.' His mother gave him a cake made with water and baked in the cinders, and with it a bottle of sour beer.

When he came to the forest the little old grey man met him likewise, and greeting him, said: 'Give me a piece of your cake and a drink out of your bottle; I am so hungry and thirsty.' Dummling answered: 'I have only cinder-cake and sour beer; if that pleases you, we will sit down and eat.' So they sat down, and when Dummling pulled out his cinder-cake, it was a fine sweet cake, and the sour beer had become good wine. So they ate and drank, and after that the little man said: 'Since you have a good heart, and are willing to divide what you have, I will give you good luck. There stands an old tree, cut it down, and you will find something at the roots.' Then the little man took leave of him.

Dummling went and cut down the tree, and when it fell there was a goose sitting in the roots with feathers of pure gold. He lifted her up, and taking her with him, went to an inn where he thought he would stay the night. Now the host had three daughters, who saw the goose and were curious to know what such a wonderful bird might be, and would have liked to have one of its golden feathers.

The eldest thought: 'I shall soon find an opportunity of pulling out a feather,' and as soon as Dummling had gone out she seized the goose by the wing, but her finger and hand remained sticking fast to it.

The second came soon afterwards, thinking only of how she might get a feather for herself, but she had scarcely touched her sister than she was held fast.

At last the third also came with the like intent, and the others screamed out: 'Keep away; for goodness' sake keep away!' But she did not understand why she was to keep away. 'The others are there,' she thought, 'I may as well be there too,' and ran to them; but as soon as she had touched her sister, she remained sticking fast to her. So they had to spend the night with the goose.

The next morning Dummling took the goose under his arm and set out, without troubling himself about the three girls who were hanging on to it. They were obliged to run after him continually, now left, now right, wherever his legs took him.

In the middle of the fields the parson met them, and when he saw the procession he said: 'For shame, you good-for-nothing girls, why are you running across the fields after this young man? Is that seemly?' At the same time he seized the youngest by the hand in order to pull her away, but as soon as he touched her he likewise stuck fast, and was himself obliged to run behind.

Before long the sexton came by and saw his master, the parson, running behind three girls. He was astonished at this and called out: 'Hi! your reverence, whither away so quickly? Do not forget that we have a christening today!' and running after him he took him by the sleeve, but was also held fast to it.

Whilst the five were trotting thus one behind the other, two labourers came with their hoes from the fields; the parson called out to them and begged that they would set him and the sexton free. But they had scarcely touched the sexton when they were held fast, and now there were seven of them running behind Dummling and the goose.

Soon afterwards he came to a city, where a king ruled who had a daughter who was so serious that no one could make her laugh. So he had put forth a decree that whosoever should be able to make her laugh should marry her. When Dummling heard this, he went with his goose and all her train before the king's daughter, and as soon as she saw the seven people running on and on, one behind the other, she began to laugh quite loudly, and as if she would never stop. Thereupon Dummling asked to have her for his wife; but the king did not like the son-in- law, and made all manner of excuses and said he must first produce a man who could drink a cellarful of wine. Dummling thought of the little grey man, who could certainly help him; so he went into the forest, and in the same place where he had felled the tree, he saw a man sitting, who had a very sorrowful face. Dummling asked him what he was taking to heart so sorely, and he answered: 'I have such a great thirst and cannot quench it; cold water I cannot stand, a barrel of wine I have just emptied, but that to me is like a drop on a hot stone!'

'There, I can help you,' said Dummling, 'just come with me and you shall be satisfied.'

He led him into the king's cellar, and the man bent over the huge barrels, and drank and drank till his loins hurt, and before the day was out he had emptied all the barrels. Then Dummling asked once more for his bride, but the king was vexed that such an ugly fellow, whom everyone called Dummling, should take away his daughter, and he made a new condition; he must first find a man who could eat a whole mountain of bread. Dummling did not think long, but went straight into the forest, where in the same place there sat a man who was tying up his body with a strap, and making an awful face, and saying: 'I have eaten a whole ovenful of rolls, but what good is that when one has such a hunger as I? My stomach remains empty, and I must tie myself up if I am not to die of hunger.'

At this Dummling was glad, and said: 'Get up and come with me; you shall eat yourself full.' He led him to the king's palace where all the flour in the whole Kingdom was collected, and from it he caused a huge mountain of bread to be baked. The man from the forest stood before it, began to eat, and by the end of one day the whole mountain had vanished. Then Dummling for the third time asked for his bride; but the king again sought a way out, and ordered a ship which could sail on land and on water. 'As soon as you come sailing back in it,' said he, 'you shall have my daughter for wife.'

Dummling went straight into the forest, and there sat the little grey man to whom he had given his cake. When he heard what Dummling wanted, he said: 'Since you have given me to eat and to drink, I will give you the ship; and I do all this because you once were kind to me.' Then he gave him the ship which could sail on land and water, and when the king saw that, he could no longer prevent him from having his daughter. The wedding was celebrated, and after the king's death, Dummling inherited his kingdom and lived for a long time contentedly with his wife.

[aurumacadicus]

For the title meme

Steve/Tony/Bucky ... And Howard/Maria if you can fit them in totally optional

Of Fire and Ice

Listen once Howard/Maria is mentioned I find a way to shoehorn them in regardless of if it fits. I love these two whole dumbasses. They birthed another whole dumbass. They all just happen to be smart on top of it.

Of Fire and Ice

“I don’t want to get married!” Tony wailed.

Maria frowned at him, unsympathetic to his cries. “You're the only son of the head family of fire witches. The other clans have been clamoring for your hand since you were born.”

“Ew!” Tony exclaimed, crocodile tears forgotten.

Maria waved his disgust away. “Your father handled it.”

Tony turned wet, beseeching eyes on his father. “Can’t you handle it again?”

“Don't fucking look at him,” Maria barked.

Howard wordlessly put his hand up to block Tony from view, instead keeping his focus on the book he was reading. Maria was only sorry that Howard could not see the absolutely outraged expression their son gave him in response.

“You’re of age, and if you'd dated like I told you to, maybe we could have gotten everyone off our backs with the fact that you were already taken,” Maria continued, crossing her arms and scowling at him. “As it stands, now you’re single, woefully inexperienced, and we have to beat suitors back with a stick.”

“I didn’t know it would come back and bite me in the ass as soon as I turned eighteen!” Tony shouted back. “Also all the other head families don’t have any kids around my age! I’m either gonna be a cradle robber or they’re going to rob my cradle!”

“That's why I said you should date around with people your own age here! You never listen to me!” Maria snapped.

Tony went back to his dramatics, crying and wailing, “I didn’t know it was so I wouldn’t be sold off to a creepy old man!”

“We're not fucking selling you off, Tony,” Maria thundered back. “I said we’re beating the suitors back with a stick, and we’ll protect you indefinitely, but those stories about witches being kidnapped and forced into marriages aren’t just fables!”

“Also, it’s not like those closest in age to you are that old,” Howard muttered.

Tony stopped his dramatics again. “What?”

“Steve is twenty-five,” Howard said with a shrug.

“That’s seven years older than me,” Tony complained, at the same time Maria spluttered, “Who the hell is Steve?!”

“He hasn’t outgrown his dumbassery yet, you’d get along,” Howard told Tony, making him squawk in offense, before he turned his attention to his wife and continued, “Steve Rogers. You know, Sarah Rogers’ son?”

“Sarah Rogers,” Maria repeated, frowning. “Sarah--Oh. With the husband,” she finished flatly. “No. Absolutely not.”

“Her husband died like... ten years ago,” Howard argued. “Sarah’s been leading the ice faction since then, and they’ve been doing very good things!”

“Why don’t I ever see her then?!” Maria sputtered.

Howard scowled at her. “Because Peggy and I keep you separated, Maria. Either you’re going to blow each other to pieces or you’re going to make everyone wish you had.”

“SARAH ROGERS IS MY BEST FRIEND NOW YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE,” Maria bellowed, and Tony wisely left the room to escape any stray sparks that resulted from their fight.

--

Still. Steve was the closest in age to him, and Tony decided if the other option was getting kidnapped and forced to marry, he at least wanted to try on his terms first. (It helped that Howard had scoffed and said, “Of course you can,” when Tony had asked if he was allowed to protect himself with deadly force.)

“So, the thing is,” Steve said after they’d sat down across from each other. He looked like he was about to throw up.

“The thing is,” Tony prompted.

“I’ve got a beau already,” Steve blurted out, like that was the only way he could say it.

Tony blinked at him, bewildered. “Then why did you agree to this?”

“Because I’m scared of my ma,” Steve admitted. “And... sort of scared of yours, too.”

“That’s fair. My mother isn’t someone to mess with,” Tony agreed. He was a little disappointed, because Steve was very handsome, and the next single witch closest to his age was thirty-two. There was a girl who was fourteen who was technically closer in age, but he felt gross even thinking about it, so he didn’t even entertain it.

“But Ma says we’re not technically married yet, and this would be lucrative for both of our clans, so she wanted me to meet you anyway, because I have a cousin you could marry. Some factions might get upset about it but like...” Steve struggled for words, then continued, “I mean, what are they gonna do? Confront both our moms?”

Tony opened his mouth, but nothing came out. His mother and Sarah Rogers had looked pretty chummy when he’d walked past (his father had his head in his hands while he sighed, so presumably they were all friends now). He hated to go against his mother on a good day. He couldn’t imagine fighting two of his mother.

Tony still hadn’t found words by the time he noticed another very handsome man walking over to them. He’d thought the man might be a bodyguard, but he wasn’t wearing any weapons or anything, and Steve was growing alarmed as he approached.

“Buck--” he began, only to choke himself off again, because the man had gotten him in a chokehold.

“I told you to let him down gently you idiot,” the man hissed, shaking him. “What about ‘I already have a beau but I’m scared of our mothers’ is gentle?!”

“Oh,” Tony said, and settled in to just watch. It reminded him of his parents, a little. He had to admit that this actually brought him some comfort. “I’m Tony,” he told the man politely.

The man smiled at him sweetly, as if Steve was not clawing uselessly at his arms. “I’m James. Friends call me Bucky.” He glared down at Steve. “Dumbasses don’t get to use my name. We’re breaking up.”

“I panicked,” Steve squeaked. “You know I panic around this kind of thing-!”

“I suppose that’s true,” Bucky allowed, finally dropping him. He pulled out the chair beside Steve’s and sat down. “Well. You’d be useless without me, so I guess I better stay here.”

“I’m guessing you made the first move between the two of you then,” Tony began.

“Yup,” Bucky replied.

Steve squawked, offended. “Hey!”

Bucky gave Tony a long slow up-and-down, then declared, “Natasha will eat him alive. I’ll let you marry Steve as long as I can put my cold toes under your thighs.”

“I don’t feel cold, so that’s fine,” Tony replied.

Steve immediately brightened. “You don’t feel cold? Ever? So I can put my cold toes under your thighs, too?”

“Fire witches are basically just big hot water bottles,” Tony said.

Steve and Bucky stared at him. Finally, Steve replied, “No, I hate that.”

“Squishy and warm,” Tony began.

“I’m just imagining a sweater based on the little cozies your ma knits for her hot water bottles,” Bucky said, glancing at Steve, and Steve burst out laughing.

“I’m not offended. I love sweaters. I like to be cozy,” Tony admitted.

Bucky turned to look at Steve. “He likes to be cozy,” he repeated.

“He likes to be cozy,” Steve agreed.

Somehow they didn’t sound patronizing. Tony narrowed his eyes at them anyway, just for good measure.

[bokettochild]

Legendary Cousins

So... I promised @peachy-scars that I would write them this a while back when they posted this, and after consulting y’all (I think it was @attllhak and several anons who helped the most) I finally had enough to just go ham and write this beautiful piece of garbage.

Hope you like it, Peaches!

 They had landed in a new Hyrule, and Legend’s instant reaction was to blink and stare about with a conflicted expression on his face while the others had stared in confusion at their surroundings.

 “Why’s this look so weird?” Wind demanded eloquently as he pulled himself out from beneath a giggling Hyrule, who always laughed nervously when they landed in a new Hyrule and seemed particularly giddy today.

 “Wind, manners.” Time chided softly, pulling himself back up and working with Wild to pull his protégé back up, Twilight looking around dizzily as he leaned on his mentor for balance. “You don’t know whose home this might be.”

 “I do.” Legend hissed softly, hooded eyes staring towards a nearby path while a slight smile touched his lips. “New Hero everyone.”

 Glances were exchanged before shooting to the vet in confusion. “How...”

 “You knew there were more heroes?” Warriors sputtered, staring at the vet in surprise while the hero in question pulled himself to his feet and shook out his limbs, knuckles crackling painfully and making the others wince.

 “Time travel mixed with world hopping and the occasional visit to other countries.” Legend answered in a low voice, stretching towards the sky and standing on the tips of his toes (eyes turned away as the vet’s already short tunic rode higher). “I’ve met plenty of other heroes. Five- maybe six? Not sure.” He shrugged, arms falling back to his sides as he moved further into the forest. “Come along, if we want to check up on things we’d best get headed to the castle. Monsters out here are brutal, even if they are bloody crazy.”

 Glances were exchanged again, Wind’s wide eyes growing wider as he mouthed the words ‘six other heroes’ to his brothers.

 “Who met Legend before all this went down?” The captain hissed, pulling Four up onto his back. “Because it sure as heck wasn’t me.”

 No one answered, and they didn’t have much of a chance to as the Vet’s voice broke through the forest, a harsh hiss for them to hurry. “You stay there all day the ‘blins’ll eat you!”

 Eight heroes pulled themselves along, following after as Legend trailed silently through the forest.

 Each stumble or loud noise earned a glare from the vet, and if it didn’t come from them, it made him freeze, steps stopping immediately as his ears would prick towards the sound. More than once, Twilight or Sky had to muffle a laugh in their respective wraps as the image of a bunny starting to alert entered their minds.

 Maybe it’s the laughter. Maybe it’s just their dang Hero of Courage luck, or maybe it’s just because Hylia thinks it funny, but even with all Legend’s glaring and stopping and sneaking, they are attacked just as they reach the edge of the forest.

 The monsters are... horrifying. Nothing most of them have ever even seen, and the only thing they can do as they fight is to take the vet’s advice. “Aim for the eyes! And if you can’t reach them, the ankles!” The vet shouts as he kicks into a spin attack. The other heroes follow suit, ripping into the beasts as Wild pulls back from the group, setting off volleys of arrows as best he can do by himself, and successfully blinding a few of the monsters.

 They’re thick into the song of battle when an unknown voice rings out. “Good golly! Hang on there, sirs!”

 It’s hard to see past the swarms of monsters (seriously, they’ve never been this thick!) but blonde hair and a swinging sword assure them that whomever it is, is likely the hero Legend had told them about. Enemies fall as bombs explode and various weapons pierce through hearts and heads.  

 Once the dust has cleared, they take careful stock of their injuries and weapons (Wild’s shattered another sword and Four is sighing wearily) before turning their attention to their unexpected help.

 Legend and the other hero stand over a dead bokoblin, shaking hands in a friendly manner while the one chatters to the other, the vet smiling thinly but genuinely as he listens.

 “Vet, who’s this?”

 “Ah! You have friends!” A bright smile is turned their way as the swordsman releases Legend’s hand. “Greetings! I’m Link.”

 “The Hero of Koridai.” Legend adds on, rolling his eyes.

 “Aw, come on, Other-Link!” The newcomer grins, jabbing Legend playfully in the side and effectively stealing his breath. “I’m just Link is all.”

 “That’s all of their names too.” Legend wheezes, glaring up at the other.

 The chain of heroes takes in the newcomer, who, much to the captain’s dismay, seems to share Legend’s opinion of pants, as well as a preference for pegasus boots. Bright brown eyes stare back at them, a dopey grin on the hero’s face, but beneath the welcoming grin there's a glint of something sharp and dangerous that has Warriors shuffling back warily.

 “What adventure is this? Finish meeting up with your lovely cousins?”

 The vet huffs a breath, clearing his throat as he straightens up again. “Thereabouts, this’ll be adventure seven.”

 “Ooh, seven. Ouch.” Bright brown turn towards the vet with a sympathetic wince. “Sorry about that.”

 “You had your own quests.” Legend dismisses, as if his words don’t confuse the others. “How’s Zelly by the way? We haven’t heard from her.”

 Link, for lack of a better current name, smiles cheerily. “Half a minute yet there.” Turning to the others he offers yet another impossibly wide smile, it’s very nearly uncomfortable to look at, and Legend is the only one who seems unaffected by doing so (he has seen far, far worse from this world). “We should skedaddle over to the castle.” A halting motion is made towards the castle just in front of them as the newest hero laughs nervously. “As long as you’re there, you won’t be attacked.”

 And for lack of anything else to do, they agree, following after as Legend and the new Link chat in the front, Legend with an amount of patience that has never in their memory presented itself and the new Link with an almost irritating amount of pep and cheer. “Zelly’s doing great, and we’re hoping to visit all of you soon too! Or, we were, but the monsters started getting real bad an’ Zel figured we’d better stay behind to make sure they didn’t cause too much trouble.”

 “How bad?” The vet’s brows quirk with concern and Warriors nearly stumbles at the gentle expression on Legend’s face.

 “Just a bit stronger.” The new Link shrugs, but smiles brightly up at Legend. “It’s not as bad as last time though, so don’t worry your pink head about it.”

 And Legend... Legend actually laughs, reaching up to tug the cap of the other Link as they cross into the shadow of Hyrule Castle’s walls.  

 “What the-” Warriors is cut off with a blaring ‘Beep!’ from Wind, who looks up at him cheekily when the captain looks down at him.

 “Censoring.” Wind chirrups.

 ”Soooo...” Twilight drawls, a smile pulling at his features as he looks between the duo, the heroes all relaxing as they enter the castle gates. “How do you two know each other?”

 “We’re cousins!” Link chirrups happily, shooting another smile over his shoulder that’s just a bit too wide and a bit too sharp.”

 “Third Cousins or...” Legend waves his hand vaguely. “Somethin’. Their father is my second cousin or some sort of thing, it’s unclear honestly, all we know is that Zelda is my cousin somewhere down the line and with those two dating-” The other Link flushes at the statement, face as dopey as Sky’s gets. “He’s bound to be thrown in there somewhere too.”

 “Wait!” Four looks from one of the cousins to the other (there is a bit of resemblance, uncannily enough, even though Link smiles far more than Legend). “Whose time is this?”

 The two share a look, nodding firmly before turning to the others and speaking together. “Both.”

 “Two heroes? In one time?” Time cocks a brow.

 Legend throws his hands up. “You can talk to Hylia about that!”

 “Oh!” Link’s grin widens further as he bounces in place. “And how is Aunt Hylia? Golly, I haven’t seen her in ages!”

 “Aunt Hylia...” Sky blinks slowly.

 The vet huffs. “Fine. She’s letting Fable back into the fighting ring this weekend, figured since the Master didn’t mess things up that it’d be okay to let Hylians head back out there. Hide the evidence if they send me an invite, yeah?”

 “Will do!” Comes the chipper reply, but the other heroes aren’t done.

 “Wait, wait, wait, how many heroes are there in this time?” Warriors looks from one to the other with panic building in his gaze.

 Link frowns in what seems an over-the-top expression of thought. “Do the colors count?”  

 Four chokes.

 Legend flushes. “They count.” His voice is strained and nearly wheezing as swirling hazel stares a hole in his head.

 “And then there’s the Hytopian wannabe, who might very well actually be one.” Link continues. “And the two of us. Does Great-Grandfather Raven count?”

 “Not in this time, he just traveled here briefly when Nayru became corrupted.” Legend drawls with a head tilt, as if talking about meeting your ancestors and de-corrupting a goddess was normal for this world, and with the way Link just nods along, they are all beginning to worry that that is the norm here.

 “Right, so five heroes.” Link nods slowly. “And then we have great-gramps Raven, and whoever- wait.” The new Link’s eyes fly wide open as he motions to Time. “Isn’t that Great-Gramps?”

 Legend and Time both splutter as the vet hurries to correct the other hero. “No! He’s...” Legend looks from the startled Time to his cousin. “That’s the Hero of Time.” He whispers gravely, and Link’s eyes blow even wider as he looks to Time, who winces. They’ve all heard of what happened to the Hero of Time in this world.

 “Oh!” Link breathes, before another smile stretches over his face. “Great-Great-Gramma Lon’s husband!”

 Legend just facepalms while Time stands with his mouth flapping and fingers twitching, the old man now trying to calculate exactly how many children are now officially his while Warriors proceeded to have all the color drain out of his face.

 “How are there two heroes of Courage here!!!!” The Captain hisses, and Link and Legend both look at each other. “And for the love of Hylia! Stop looking at each other all the time, what, can you read minds?!?!”

 And both stare at the captain with the deadest of dead expressions, which actually makes Link all the more unnerving and Legend all the more intimidating. “Yes.”

 It takes a while, but once they meet Zelda, she takes the time to explain.

 “Our fathers are cousins.” She says, smiling at the heroes as they all sit and have lunch in the courtyard, motioning to Legend as she speaks. The vet is currently pulling his hat back off of his face after having it tugged down in vengeance for earlier. “Once both had married into the royal family, there was contention in the kingdom so Auntie Hylia sent Mapa and Papa out here to take care of this part of the kingdom while she handled things in central Hyrule.

 “Most folks call Papa a king because they forget that it’s one country, but what with the high borders and all, it may as well be its own country.” She shrugs as she pops another piece of food in her mouth. “And there aren’t two Courage Wielders, technically. I mean, there are, but Link isn’t one of them.” She smiles in a sly sort of way, too wide, too knowing, too creepy for many of the heroes to be comfortable. “He just happens to care a lot and does what he can.”

 “Oh yeah,” Hyrule nods knowingly, chewing slowly on his own meal. “My brother is like that too.”

 The others, even Legend and Link, turn to Hyrule in shock. “Your what???”

[doli-nemae]

So, kinda cool story because OBVIOUSLY I have NO WORK TO DO (actually I do but-) I wanted to share about me and whole lgbtq thing.

(that's kinda a long one and I'm sure I've made a thousands of mistakes BUT UM, YEAH)

So, um, ya see, until I was 12-13(?) years old I didn't even know that um, two human beings can love each other no matter their gender? Like, I thought love can be only between woman and man. And even after I discovered that it`s not true, I kinda still were VERY careful and mostly only were joking about them (yup, not a best thing to do but I was a kid that had quiet a homophobic surrounding, ok?).

And so, 99% of my characters from that time were straight. Like, LITERALLY EVERYONE FOR EXCEPT ONE - MY HAWKE WHOM I LOVED AND NOW RELATE INCREDIBLY. She was bisexual because of some headcanon or\and Isabella, I don`t remember.

And then I kinda got into Fable Fandom here. I must add, that Russian Fable Fandom is And then I kinda got into Fable Fandom here. I must add, that Russian Fable Fandom is homophobic, chauvinistic, sexist and overall toxic as hell. They are confident that Fable is fully heterosexual cisgender game and that's just stupid europeans are throwing their lgbtq propaganda everywhere (also they were telling that women are stupid and ukrainians shouldve been all executed, but that`s not our topic).

And so because of reasons above, I decided to look for English Fandom too. And DAMN-

I love small fandoms and this one is one of the most cozziest I EVER seen. And what was one of the most important things - there was pairings that included not only woman and man? By that time, I started to understand my sexuality, but I felt myself EXTREMELY lonely. And so when Ive seen people here who were... just chilling and didn't care about someones sexuality, I was like "OHMYGOD-".

And I kinda felt myself finally somewhere safe? Like, where people don't whine that other people headcanon [insert_character_name] as gay/lesbian/bisexual/non-binary/etc. They were ok with it??? And that's so cool????? And people are not joking about pronounces???????

And because of that I kinda started to treat my own sexuality not as something incredibly bad or incredibly weird but as something... ok? Like um, who cares?? Yeah, I love women and man equally (though I trust man MUCH LESS, they freak me out) and there's nothing incredible in it?

And damn I love this??? Like, yeah, tumblr sometimes blows my brain and steals my will to live (THANKS TO TANKIES AND LEFTIES), but in most of other aspects I love this place. It showed me fully that there are people in this world who are ok with other peoples headcanons and won't come to yell "YOU'RE A DUMBASS SHES NOT A LESBIAN YOUR HEADCANON SUCKS".

SO UM I LOVE THIS PLACE. YEAH. THANK YOU GUYS.

[thegeneralguy]

The Champion of Olympus - Zeus´s Zeal

“To your right you can see the ruins of the fabled temple of Zeus, the once deity patron of the city. A statue in his honor was considered a world wonder in the ancient world. Now if you follow me…”

The enthusiastic tour guide waved her little red flag to gather the group of students listening to her. It was a particularly windy summer day when Markie Laur and some of his college classmates were taken on a tour through Greek archeological sites. This excursion was one of the only excuses’ students found in order to participate in this lecture. Markie himself had little to do in a Greek and Roman mythology course, being an engineering major. His two best friends convinced him to join the course so they could do a tour around Europe together. Besides, the free credits were always welcome.

The excursion moved sluggishly through the different ruins in the archeological site. Some students were very interested in the information and keen in on learning more. They engaged in discussion and conversation with the tour guide and their professor. Markie and his friends were none of them. They hung out in the back of the tour. Robert was showing Jordan different bars in Amsterdam on his phone, both plotting enthusiastically how many drugs they would be able to take and how many European girls were they going to take back to their hotel room once they were there. Markie just hung out on the back watching the sites in peace. Although the three 21 year old college students shared the same nerdy nature, Markie was the shyest of the three. He didn´t share the other two´s deliriums of grandeur, nor sexual preference for the matter. His insecure nature made him unsure to come out to the supposedly closest friends he had in college. He was friends with Robert and Jordan out of survival instinct more than true friendship.

Markie and Robert landed in the same dorm room on their freshman year. Jordan was Robert´s hometown neighbor that had the luck of landing in the same college as his best friend. Both were boastful economy majors who tried and failed constantly in on inserting themselves amongst the more popular social circles. Markie was more down to earth than the other two, completely conscious that the combination of his cherub face, short unathletic body and shy personality automatically put him on the bottom layer of the Darwinist ladder that was college life. Robert saw the physical similarities of his roommate as a reason to adopt him into their duo, and so the three of them started hanging out together, playing videogames, making complex plans to get into some fraternity parties and talking about their crushes. Markie just went along with it. Drug use, even though mild was where he drew the line, completely paranoid that he was going to get expelled if caught.

Now the three of them were finishing their sophomore year with cero conquests under their belts, so their trip to Europe was the only hope of Robert and Jordan to get some of the validation they had been craving.

The sun started setting down as the tour started heading towards the information center to compare notes and conclude the visit. The day had gotten increasingly stormy, with dark clouds gathering on the sky and blocking the sunset light. Markie was still on the far back of the group, his gaze scanning the surrounding ruins. He started wondering why the site was so empty, with none other than the little group ahead of him on sight.

“Maybe there´s bad weather coming.”

He thought as a chill crossed his spine. He stopped to take his sweater out of his backpack, completely missing that everyone, including his friends continued advancing down the road until he was left completely alone. Markie put on his oversized college sweatshirt, his body practically drowning in the garment. He looked around searching for his friends, but there was no one on sight. An ominous wind started blowing, moving the grass with an eerie rhythm. The trees rustled next to him, and the faint sound of thunder resonated in the distance.

“Guys? Rob?”

His anxiety started acting out, as he nervously wandered on the dirt road looking for his friends. The path started to disappear slowly, leaving tall luscious grass behind. An unseen force was guiding Markie through the glade. His mind was racing, already making up hundreds of scenarios where he got lost and was never able to return home. He just felt he needed to move forward, and so he did. The breeze around him kept getting stronger, with little droplets of rain being blown straight into his face.

Suddenly Markie found himself right in the middle of the ruins of the temple of Zeus. He recognized them from the tour, being the only part that really caught his attention for some reason. The sound of thunder kept getting stronger, as the air current suddenly started to form a whirlwind around him. The rain had gotten stronger, pouring down furiously and completely drenching him.

Markie started having a panic attack, his breathing getting to the point of hyperventilation. He suddenly felt an incredible pressure on top of him. He looked up to one of the columns and saw a gigantic golden eagle perched on top of it. A bright lightning bolt completely blinded his eyesight for an instant, and when he looked up once again, he was confronted with a vision of the most perfect man he had ever seen.

His gargantuan chest was framed by two sets of enormous shoulders, which were connected to two arms so muscular they must have been around the same girth as Markie´s waist. Powerful legs supported the massive body of the gorgeous man, whose height made him seem double the body size of the little 5´6 college student. The luscious curls of his golden beard fell right in the middle of his chest, as his gorgeous mane of equally beautiful hair framed a face that looked near aesthetic perfection. Features that exuded masculinity, but still kept a supernatural beauty that was only present in the sculptures of antiquity. The man was wearing a white robe tied only on top of one of his shoulders, with big golden bracelets on each of his wrists. The man emitted a light glow from his body, like his whole silhouette was encased in a halo.

“Who—o a—are you? Did I die?”

Asked Markie nervously. His gaze couldn’t find anything else other than the godly fantasy in front of him.

“Silence boy. I´m going to grant you a gift. A gift all mortals would kill for.”

“A gift? Please don´t hurt me. I´m really sorry if I trespassed, I can´t find….”

“I said quiet!”

The man roared with fury. Markie managed to get out a panicked yelp as thunder stroke the ground all around him.

“You really remind me of him. Come and find me when you´re ready. All your questions will be answered. Enjoy it boy, for it will come with a price.”

The man pointed his finger at him. Suddenly Markie felt a jolt of electricity course all across his body. He was afraid he was going to be fried by the stud in front of him. Lighting fell again very close to the man, completely blinding Markie again. When he looked up the storm was gone, and so was the man. He briefly thought he imagined everything, until he felt his soaking wet clothes. He could also still feel the light static effect he felt when the stranger raised his finder towards him. He wondered if his friends had pranked him by sneaking in some hallucinogen into his water bottle when the annoyed voice of his professor grounded him back on reality.

“Mr. Laur, may I remind you that profanation of ancient heritage sites is strictly punished by the law? Come back here this instant. The bus is waiting for us.”

Markie rushed out of the ruins to join his classmates on the bus back into town. He briefly looked back at Zeus´s temple one last time, and thought he saw a big bird fly fast into the sky.

 “Whoa man did you jump into the fountain or something?”

Asked Robert when he saw his roommate entering the bus soaking wet.

“Very funny Rob. It was the rain.”

Answered Markie unenthusiastically as he took the seat behind Robert and Jordan.

“What rain dude, its as dry as Angela´s pussy over there.”

Whispered Jordan giggling whilst nodding in the direction of one of their most conservative classmates. Markie didn´t even reply to his friend´s crude comment, as the bus slowly departed the site towards the hotel. Olympia wasn´t a big city, but his classmates had already made plans in meeting in the small bar next to the hotel to talk about the trip so far and have some drinks. Robert and Jordan kept snorting and laughing from time to time watching some random insta-girl´s page.

“What a pair of losers.”

Thought Markie to himself as he pondered on his friends’ blatant misogyny. He kept staring out the window into the dark void in front of him. His smooth boyish face greeted him back on the black window. He took a moment to really look at himself. Other than the childish rounded cheeks and soft features, he wasn´t so ugly. His dark brown eyes gave him a friendly look, and his teeth were straight and white. He could look much cuter if he put some effort into it. Stop shaving his dark brown hair with an electric razor, paid an actual hairstylist to get him on of those popular haircuts every guy on the internet had and get some actual sunlight in order to improve the corpse looking hue on his skin would get him far. He could finally stop hanging out with those guys.

The sudden confidence rush went away as fast as it came, leaving Markie languishing in self doubt once again.

“Who am I kidding? I´ll never have the confidence to be on my own.”

Crippling social anxiety and low self esteem were the true shackles tying him to a lonely existence, not the way he looked. Confidence could completely change someone´s image of themselves, making him attractive to himself and by inertia to others as well.

The sudden epiphany caused a golden spark to light in on Markie´s eyes, just an instant so he could see it, but not slow enough so he could know if it was real or a product of his imagination. The static feeling was slowly turning into a constant tingling spreading all across his body. A droplet of sweat travelled down his temple as he felt his body heat slowly rising. He took away his sweatshirt only to find his equally wet t-shirt clinging to his thin body, but showing a tiny strip of skin belonging to his lower belly. If it were dry Markie would´ve also noticed a certain tightness on the kid sized garment, his torso gaining an almost imperceptible amount of mass. He still felt as if he was being asphyxiated by his own clothes. His temperature was rising so high that he could almost feel a humidity cloud form all around him coming from his wet clothes.

“Markie! Man you´re really off today.”

Markie was so busy fighting his need to rip his t-shirt off so hard he barely noticed the curious eyes of both of his friends staring at him.

“We need to get you some new clothes. You have to look your best if we´re gonna go hunting man!”

Said Robert enthusiastically as he high fived Jordan. Markie just answered with a nervous laugh as he kept trying not to cause a scene in a moving vehicle.

After what felt like an eternity the bus arrived at the hotel. Markie practically jumped out of his seat and rushed towards the exit. He could also feel his jeans ending a bit above his ankles, and his shoes constricting his feet. The first thing he thought was that the water had shrunken his clothes, but after feeling the sensation spread along the static tingling, he suspected this could be related to that fever dream he had in the ruins.

The professor gathered everyone right outside the bus to plan the rest of the evening. Markie stood there impatiently among his fellow classmates feeling increasing discomfort. The tingling turned to numbness, making him lose sensation on his hands and feet. The only thing he wanted was to get back to his room so he could wash himself and get into fresh clothes. His usual nervous expression started turning into an angry sneer, as his impatience grew along with his discomfort. As soon as the professor dismissed them, Markie rushed straight through the small hotel doors directly to the room he shared with his two friends. He got into the bathroom slamming the door behind him.

He was sweating profusely and his body heat started rising so high an actual steam cloud started forming around him. The numbness in his limbs had turn into an excruciating pain, as cramps travelled all across his body tensing the little muscle mas he had. He felt like he was being electrocuted. He looked into the mirror and was greeted by a bizarre image of himself wearing a little kid´s clothes. The t-shirt looked more like a crop top now, the little sleeves were being strained by two longer arms. His pants were riding halfway up his calves. He managed to kick out the shoes that were also clearly a few sizes too small for his grown feet. Markie did his best not to scream in pain due to the sensations assaulting his body.

The small lightbulb illuminating the bathroom started flickering and a small air current started forming around Markie. A sharp pain in his stomach made him turn to the toilet and throw up the little food he had ingested during the day. Shivers crossed his body as the cramps got stronger. He could see the ligaments in his hands contracting and moving on their own because of the strong muscle spasms. He turned his face back into the bowl and retched loudly clasping his stomach, tears of effort running down his cheeks.

“Markie? Are you alright in there?”

Asked Robert knocking on the bathroom door. He was so distracted by the sensations assaulting his body that he completely missed his friends enter the hotel room. He responded with a quiet “yeah” and made a conscious effort in making it sound as calm as possible. The last thing he wanted was those guys seeing him in his current state.

“I´ll be out in a minute.”

Said Markie as he managed to pull himself back on his feet. The wind in the bathroom had gotten stronger, and Markie could swear he could hear the faint sound of thunder inside the room. He grabbed the edge of the sink and looked into the mirror. His face was completely red, and his hair was dripping sweat as if a cloud was pouring rain on top of him. He looked at himself straight in the eyes, and then it happened. A golden color started to seep out of his pupils, changing the brown hue of his iris. It looked like molten gold was being directly injected into his eyes. Once the new color took completely over, the lightbulb started shining so bright it completely burst after a few seconds. Markie heard the glass shards fall on the ground, and the room was left in complete darkness. The only source of light were his iridescent golden eyes.

He tried to move to the side, but he accidentally stepped on a few glass pieces and slipped on the wet floor. He howled in pain and steadied himself with the bathroom sink. He also didn’t realize his hand moved way too close to the electrical outlets next to the mirror. A faint crackling sound could be heard, and white sparks started jumping out of the outlet.  Suddenly, a lightning bolt shot straight out of the outlet directly into Markie´s hand. He tried to scream, but not a single noise came out of his mouth. The wind started flowing stronger, forming a vortex with the college student straight in the center. Another lightning bolt coming from an electrical outlet on top of the floor flew straight heading for his other hand. Both currents formed two chain lightning shackles that tied the boy in the center of the room.

Markie felt vertigo, as his growth spurt continued on an accelerated pace, putting him over a foot from his original height. His feet grew proportionally to help him stabilize his now towering stature, the skin on his soles hardening and expelling the glass shards he slipped on earlier. The electric shackles started spreading lighting bolts up his arms and into his torso, completely burning the remains of the already ripped small t-shirt. He felt an excruciating pain while his bone structure changed. His clavicle extended, pushing both of his shoulders further to the sides. His ribcage also expanded together with his waist. The remains of his pants started digging painfully into the skin of his hips. Once the bones finished their transformation, the pain started to subside.

Markie stood in the middle of the room completely disoriented. His new height made everything take on different dimensions and the irregular sparks and lightning bolts were illuminating the bathroom in all kinds of bizarre ways. Not to mention the wind throwing all kinds of hygiene supplies all around. His gaze found his reflection in the mirror. He looked like an underfed giant of a man. It was like the little muscle mass he had was distributed evenly across his new size, leaving him practically just bones and skin. He watched the flashy shackles fascinated, as sparks jumped and squirmed in the air before fading into blackness.

Suddenly, he felt the strong static feeling on his wrists, as lightning bolts dug under his skin and spread through his body. He could feel the electrical current inside of him, the pain of the intense cramps returning in major scale. Electricity was contracting every muscle fiber, breaking and healing them very rapidly. New muscle nuclei started forming as well in order to endure the work the chain lightning was putting them through. Markie´s hands were the first to grow. Delicate long fingers filled with strong muscle, as his palms expanded and hardened. Callouses formed to protect them from the heavy labor they were now designed to do. They looked comically large, comparable to big baseball mitts on a small child. The transformation immediately shot right up his forearms, expanding them to incredible size that would put Popeye out of work without question. Strong sinews connected his powerful hands to his elbows, giving them a vice like strength too atop of their intimidating look. His upper arms picked up on the growth too, biceps inflating to the size of a cantaloupe and triceps completely defying gravity jutting so far out the back of his arms it looked like someone had welded big horseshoes on his already enormous arms. The shoulders expanded next, gaining epic proportions comparable to a pumpkin on top of each arm. Markie gritted his teeth in pain as he caught a glimpse of what has happening to him. He looked like a doll that had gotten the arms of a He-Man toy accidentally glued on his lanky torso.

A strong spasm in his chest caused him to fall forwards, the shackles on his arms preventing him from touching the ground. He was scared for a second, he was having a heart attack, as each pectoral muscle twitched and pulsed manipulated by the electric current. His chest started inflating rapidly in all directions, rising high on the top reaching for his chin, and squaring off in the bottom, leaving a big shelf hanging from the distressed student´s upper body. The electric bolts reached for his nipples, hardening them and expanding them until the former tack sized miniatures grew to a more manly dollar coin size.

Markie could feel the electricity running all across his spine, engorging his back so support such a top-heavy body. His traps developed in the upper part, reaching for his ears, and his lats expanded to the sides pushing the gargantuan arms to the sides on a permanent forty-degree angle. His lower back developed strongly to support the heavy muscle on the top. Then he felt as if someone was punching him straight on his stomach, as each individual abdominal muscle popped from his midsection, carving a deep valley in the center of his body, and leaving him with a truly enviable small waist that made the proportions on the upper body look more freakish.

The cramps then travelled down his waist, focusing on his practically non-existent glutes, contracting and twisting them. His ass started to slowly inflate into two pairs of gravity defying boulders, completely ripping the rest of his pants and leaving Markie with his tight white briefs, which looked more like a thong being swallowed by the two monstrous muscles. His manhood was left completely ignored by the electrical current, leaving him practically flat on the front. Each quadricep spasmed and developed deep cut muscle, growing to gigantic proportions in order to move this behemoth of a body around. Calves inflated next leaving him with two powerful football looking muscles ready to propel Markie in whichever direction he wanted. His feet were the last part of his body to change, filling with powerful strength to support the now card-carrying bodybuilder.

As soon as the last part of his body concluded growing, the electrical shackles were absorbed into Markie´s body. He started to emit a faint glow, dimly illuminating the bathroom. His pale skin took on a golden hue. He looked into the mirror once again and he saw his face with two glowing eyes on top of a body that wasn’t his. The miniature storm inside the room also subsided, leaving him quietly staring into the mirror.

“Is that really me?”

Asked Markie to himself whilst touching his powerful chest. He accidentally brushed one of his nipples with his hand, and it caused a small electrical current to travel across his chest. Only this time it wasn´t pain what he felt, but pleasure. Markie had a very prude attitude, barely exploring sex by himself, let alone with somebody else. But this sensation sparked something else in him. An instinct buried so deeply within insecurities, that it had remained imperceptible to him. But something inside his was pushing him to do it again, to finally unleash the real him.

“I can´t believe it. This can´t be real.”

Markie raised an arm and flexed. Powerful muscle twitched and pumped inside of him, his bicep raising higher and higher. He chuckled slightly. A quiet laugh that increased in intensity, as Markie explored and felt every new part of his anatomy. He then took his other nipple between his fingers and pinched it slightly. An even stronger pleasure jolt shot across his body.

The college boy was becoming less and less of a boy the more he touched himself. Confidence was flooding every inch of his being. Someone who looked like a God should behave as a God as well thought Markie, while his slow caresses of his body turned to an intense erotic massage. His hand touched the deep crevices of his abdomen, and slowly found its way to the boy´s less than impressive endowment.

“This simply won´t do.”

Said Markie in a quasi-trance like state. He slowly reached to the electrical outlet again, and focused all of his energy in summoning that spark again. His call was quickly answered, as an intense lightning bolt shot straight towards his hand again.

“Yes. Give me more. More strength. More power.”

Said Markie, his boyish voice taking on a powerful commanding voice. He then took the hand connected with the electricity to his crotch, and grabbed his bulge once again. The electricity then travelled directly into his manhood, shotting bolts of pleasure all over Markie´s body. His mind was filled with images of intimacy, of epic scenes of desire and encyclopedic sexual knowledge.

“Fuck yeah. More.”

He cursed for the first time in his life, while the overwhelming sensation clouded the last of his senses and erased the old Markie from existence, leaving a blank canvas for his new godly persona to take place. His manhood started growing to divine proportions, completely straining the briefs to the point of breaking. White tatters fell to the floor, as his equine endowment raised straight and up, reaching almost a foot in length. Like the rest of his body, the girth proportions adjusted too, leaving him with practically an extra limb on his lower body, as thick as a baby arm. His testicles inflated like water balloons until each was the size of a lemon. The powerful divine seed inside them started seeping it´s essence to the rest of his body, as Markie reached the final step of his transformation.

His neck thickened, and his moans of pleasure started dropping in pitch until his boy-like cadence reached an intimidating deep baritone. He grunted as his mandible contorted and expanded into comic book hero proportions. A cleft formed on his powerful chin, and his teeth grew to fit the new size of his mandible. His lips thinned out giving him a serious look. The baby fat on his cheeks evaporated, leaving sharp angular features behind. His nose remained straight, but grew to accommodate the aesthetic of the new man´s face. His brow expanded and hooded over his eyes, giving him a stern serious look.

His shaved brown hair then started growing on the top, parting sideways and acquiring a thick silky texture, along with a golden tone. The new blonde´s body hair flourished right afterwards. Clear body hair sprouted on his forearms and on top of his hands, but the rest of him remained smooth. The hair in his pits and on his pubic region also changed to a blonde hue, before falling down leaving the new man completely shaved. Changes in the hair follicles were made, as this was a very hairy man that manscaped regularly. Thick stubble then grew on his face, leaving a permanent five o´clock shadow. Finally, a thick mustache and a soul patch formed around his mouth, completing the transformation.

Where once stood a puny college student, now stood a complete god of a man. The former 21 year old looked almost a decade older, not that it would worry him too much because his mind also started changing to accommodate the new bodybuilder. His fears and worries completely evaporated, leaving behind a man that lived in the moment. He ate when he wanted to, he went where he wanted to and he fucked whenever he wanted to. His repulsion for his nickname grew, and he decided to adopt his full name from ow on.  Where there was once a Markie now stood Marcus, the champion of the thunder god Zeus.

He flexed and roared in triumph as one last lightning bolt shot through the outlet reaching him. Veins started popping on his arms and legs, like lightning coursing through a stormy sky. He turned around and opened the bathroom door, stepping into the world for the first time.

“What do you think of this one?”

Said Jordan whilst showing his friend one of the many fedora hats he brought to the trip.

“Who cares? Fedoras aren’t cool anymore man. It´s all over the internet, look it up.”

Answered Robert exasperated of having to go through another wardrobe dilemma. He couldn´t stop thinking about Markie and his weirder than usual attitude these last couple of hours. His roommate had been in the bathroom for a while now, but there was no sound coming from the bathroom ever since Markie answered him, he was fine.

“Do you think Markie is okay in there?”

He asked Jordan, who barely looked up from his suitcase.

“I don´t know. But who cares man? Less dead weight for us when we go for the chicks later.”

“He´s not a dead weight Jordan. I know Markie is shy and kind of weird, but he´s a great guy. Trust me, I know. I live with him.”

“We both know why he´s like that. Not that I have anything against it, but its impressive how he thinks no one realizes the way he looks at those douches from the frat sometimes.”

“He will tell us whenever he´s ready. And even if he´s not it´s okay. He will still be my friend. And I hope yours too Jordan.”

“Come on man. I like gay dudes. Less competition for us. I just don´t want him to ruin our hunt with his angst when we go out to the bar.”

“It´s about time to get going though. I´m gonna ask Markie if we should meet him directly in the bar, if It hasn´t confused him with a child and kidnaped him through the sink.”

Both friends laughed at the reference just as Robert approached the bathroom door once again.

“Markie my man, we´re gonna get going. You can meet us there if you want, but don´t feel rushed take your time. Hope that you´re okay though.”

He said knocking lightly on the door. A faint grumble could be heard on the other side, but Markie didn´t answer. Robert took that as a response, and he turned around to prepare his stuff and go.

Suddenly, the bathroom door opened with such a force it ripped it out of it´s hinges. A blinding light was coming from the bathroom, together with enough steam to turn the small hotel room into a sauna. Robert and Jordan watched completely in shock as the new Marcus stepped out of the bathroom, his whole body enveloped in a golden halo. Both college students looked tiny in comparison to the enormous wall of muscle standing in front of them.

“Who—o a—are you? Whe—ere´s Ma—arkie?”

Managed to squeak Robert nervously while his eyes scanned every mountain and every valley that composed the behemoth´s body.

“It is Marcus now, my friends. Come and bathe in all my glory.”

Said Marcus while raising both of his arms and flexing his latissimus muscles, completely eclipsing the now small in comparison bathroom door. A potent smell started wafting through the air, impregnating the steam with masculine pheromones coming directly from the giant´s underarms. Both Robert and Jordan were put in a trance like state, and approached the shining man.

“Yes. Come to me. I will show you the true meaning of pleasure.”

Deep primal instincts were awoken in both boys. Lust, submission and adoration completely eclipsed the nervous feeling both had. As soon as their hands touched Marcus´s chest, an intense shock of pleasure shot through both of their bodies, travelling directly to their brains completely burning their old personas out of their heads. Both boys had their irises completely drained of color, leaving white mindless eyes behind. Marcus took each one of them by their waists and pulled them close. Their hands started exploring the giant´s body, leaving a trail of sparks jumping off the radiant skin.

He then leaned down to kiss Robert, while Jordan worked his way down licking the sweat off his chest and descending slowly through the cobblestone road on his midsection. His giant manhood was already hard as an iron bar, eager for attention. As soon as Jordan´s mouth made contact with the pulsing member, a strong stream of electricity started inundating his body. The small muscles spasmed and expanded to ridiculous proportions. The small belly he had grown out of eating too many pizza slices and drinking mountain dew evaporated into this air, leaving a hard six pack behind. His chest raised, forming two pillows sticking far out of his chest. His limbs contracted and expanded into heroic proportions, leaving the new man at least a hundred pounds heavier with pure lean mass. He stayed at the same 5´6 height, making the new man a fireplug of a bodybuilder.

He had already kneeled down and was worshipping the godly pole in front of him, savoring the nectar coming from the tip as if he was drinking ambrosia directly from the source. His face cracked and rearranged leaving brutish heavy features, but still holding onto some beauty. Age seeped into his skin and his muscles, seasoning them with the hardness of a more adult male. All his hair fell down, except his eyebrows, leaving the man completely smooth. His skin took on a stronger golden hue than Marcus, without the glow.

Meanwhile Marcus was inserting his large tongue into his former friend´s mouth, completely invading him. Robert´s jaw cracked and rearranged into a sharp square. His cheekbones raised and the fat melted off his face, leaving a shockingly handsome face behind. Unlike his friend, Robert stayed young, his visage devoid of any single imperfection. He slowly grew up a couple of inches, but still remaining far off the height of the god sodomizing his mouth. His body then expanded, muscles piling on top of each other, but also craving themselves deep into his body. His former chubby physique completely shed off any excess fat, leaving him at a single digit body fat percentage. His chest didn´t hang as far as Jordan´s, but it squared off in the bottom as if being carved out of a marble statue by a classical sculptor. His eight pack was accentuated by the sharp Adonis belt pointing downwards. His legs and arms grew muscular, each individual sinew visible thanks to the thin skin on top of them. He had a bit less mass than his kneeling friend, but was way more defined. His body hair also fell down entirely, leaving the new handsome hunk as smooth as his former best friend.

Both new men´s manhood stayed the same size though, which made them seem much smaller on their larger bodies. Marcus then looked at his two new servants. He was completely conscious he was their master and demanded their adoration, but also felt a deep bond to them. He was free to fornicate with whomever he wanted to, but these two were going to be forever bound to him, desperate for his love and addicted to his divine masculinity. As for the two men worshipping their new master, their sole purpose of existing was serving and pleasing this new god among men.

He then ordered the former Jordan to lay on the bed, and pushed the former Robert right next to him. Although it was his sexual debut, Marcus felt as if he had done this for all of eternity. He was ready to claim what was his and become the supreme being he was destined to be.

The students evacuated the hotel in panic, together with their professor and fellow guests. An unusually strong lightning bolt had stricken the small building, completely blowing up an entire corner. Three students were missing. Cries and sirens resonated through the night sky. The professor tried desperately to communicate with the local authorities, completely ignorant that the three students had disappeared forever.

 A car approached the ruins of the temple of Zeus. A giant figure then got out of the vehicle, accompanied by two large silhouettes that stayed behind. Marcus approached the center of the ruins. He was wearing a tight pair of black underpants, unable to find any other fitting clothes. Not that he needed to, his enormous body produced large amounts of heat, and still emitted a low shine highlighting him in the darkness. He had no need to hide. He was a gift to humanity, their savior. Anyone should feel blessed and humbled on his presence.

A lightning bolt fell directly in front of him, but the man stayed completely unfazed. Zeus appeared in front of him, still towering over the new Marcus, but seeming less than a giant next to the behemoth in front of him.

“You turned out very well. I was not mistaken in choosing you Marcus Laur.”

Said Zeus examining his perfect handiwork. He would say he was surprised by how well the job was made, but it was he who had done it, so it was only natural it was perfect. Marcus bowed in front of his creator and said with a respectful, but firm tone.

“Your words are my command my lord. What is it that I should do?”

Zeus´s stern face showed a glimpse of joy.

“I need you to be my envoy on this world, imprinting it with my will, which shall be your own. Humans are sheep, you shall be their shepherd. Come to the base of Mount Olympus. I shall put you through fearsome trials. Fear not though, with my power as your own you shall overcome them without problem.”

He then looked at the two muscular men standing right next to the car.

“I see you already got a taste of your powers. Good. You have two weeks to discover and reach your full potential. Do not fail.”

“Thank you, my lord. I shall not disappoint you.”

Marcus watched as lightning fell again, and Zeus disappeared. The golden eagle was already flying out of sight in the night sky. Zeus was very pleased with himself. He had many things in mind for his new toy. Not ever since meeting Ganymede had he felt an infatuation like this for a mortal, only this time he used his will to turn him into his ideal for true human beauty, and he imbued him with some of his divine power. His desire was going to burn the other competitors out of the way, thought the god of thunder. Marcus would become the Champion of Olympus.

[reveriequill-rai]

Shroud: Withered Soul

A/N: Sorry it’s been a while. As of right now I’ve just been uploading stories I’ve written in my newspaper club, and now that I’ve graduated I hope that can now expand to short stories generally. I’m not gonna promise that posts from now on will be more consistent, but I would like to at least speed up my uploads a bit before they actually wind down, as I imagine I will be working on more stories in the future. Everything being uploaded right now is previous work, but nothing too old--probably like, from last year tops. This was completed sometime in May, I believe. 

This is an introduction to a character I created called ‘Shroud,’ an amateur self-proclaimed ‘detective’ who exclusively investigates occult-based crimes and malefic.

Content Warning: death, descriptions of corpses, graphic descriptions of violence and pain, cults 

[My blog will usually contain PG-13 stories, and as of right now I am writing some darker content, but I will tag anything that may be especially disturbing or uncomfortable. I’ll include this warning in my bio, too.]

----------

The corpse in front of me wasn’t all that disturbing by itself. I had seen dead people before–comes with the territory. I had been dead before. Murder rates in Twilight were, naturally, much higher than any other district in New Fable–especially further south of the district where I was–considering how much wild magic was around, and not even the police force sent here from the northern district of Bastion could do anything about it. So the corpse itself didn’t bother me, all things considered.

What did disturb me, though, was a number of other things.

For one, the corpse just being there was a problem. They weren’t stopping, and they were getting far too close to home.

Its eyes were still open, for another thing, and nearly colorless, and looking at me specifically, and I can swear to you that had not happened when I first laid eyes on it. Even worse, like me, the man lying dead in front of me appeared to be wearing a few bandages like I was, perhaps just recovering from an injury.

And for yet another thing, and perhaps the worst part of this, was the connection I felt with this dead man. Something about the state he was in struck a familiar chord that only I and a select unlucky others knew. As if we were kindred spirits–undergoing the same fate, yet with (probably) different outcomes.

I had been at this–whatever you would call tracking down cults as someone with zero prior detective experience with the help of almost no one–for…a few months now? And I’ve made a bit less progress than would be expected from someone who has seen just about everything the darker sides of magic had to offer. I did have one solid lead, though, and hopefully one that would lead me to exactly who I was looking for.

“Everyone move,” I ordered, pushing my way through the crowd.

Ignoring their complaints, I made my way over toward the body and began to examine it, hoping for any hint of who had done this, and more importantly, if it was exactly who I had suspected. There didn’t appear to be much damage, but what first caught my attention was the note tucked into the man’s pocket. I took it out and unfolded it, and immediately flinched.

Demon tongue.

Hellish whispers ran through my head, and I wasn’t sure if they were just in my head or not. It was hard to tell these days.

I honed in on the note, written on some old paper as if torn from an ancient book. The more I stared, the louder the whispers got. I ignored the throbbing in my head as best as I could–humans were not mentally equipped to engage with the infernal language at all, and I much less so. My hands shook as I read the brief message, which I must have read dozens and dozens of times already; I wasn’t counting and didn’t care to.

Some people studied demon tongue despite…well…everything, even the illegality. It probably didn’t matter to them. It didn’t matter to me, either, but someone had spoken to me in demon tongue before–though, in their defense, likely not out of their own volition–and the trembling and rapid heart rate was not worth the ability to communicate with infernals. (Nothing was, honestly.)

For these reasons–and also not wanting to be arrested or have my mage license revoked–I personally didn’t speak or write demon tongue, but I at least knew a little bit and could recognize some of the infernal runes. And those runes were enough for me to know that this was the exact same message that the abyss had been trying to send me in my last moments.

—

Can’t run home, I thought. They’ll follow me.

Just gotta run until I find a phone booth.

I ran until I finally spotted one on the street corner near a bridge. I let out a sigh of relief, taking a quick moment to catch my breath. Then, I quickly crossed the street and ran toward the phone booth, quickly dialing the police station.

“Hello?” I said into the phone as quietly as I could manage. “My name is [……………………………] I’m at the corner of Coral Avenue by the Armada IV Memorial Bridge. I’m being pursued by a group of kids in demon-charmed cloaks and shawls, please I need your help they have knives and they’re trying to kill me-“

The tears stinging at the edge of my eyes began to overflow as a human voice at the end of the line responded in perfect, uncharacteristically calm demon tongue. It was a short sentence, repeated over and over again, but with the little knowledge I *did* have, I could translate it by about the sixth loop:

“You are going to hell.”

I hung up the phone immediately, resisting the urge to yell, “I KNOW” directly into the phone.

Humans can’t speak demon tongue here. It’s illegal.

So how did an officer know demon tongue?

—

Unsurprisingly, the body was still in semi-good condition. After all, little damage was done to the body—only the soul. The only physical marks I could make out were marks around the wrist and neck, likely to restrain the victim. Couple of bruises here and there, too, but nothing was broken.

This…disturbed me, to say the least.

Cults around here were usually known to be violent. After all, a lot of them stood for violent causes–executing the ‘impure,’ plunging everyone into the dreams of a volatile eldritch creature, usurping the throne and forcing everyone to convert, rallying the youth to their bloody cause with claims that they alone possessed special powers…I had heard it all, all of them violent to some degree. But the ones that had gotten me…they seemed to worship oblivion itself. Or maybe whatever was in it. That was beyond even my knowledge.

But…even then, they still had arguably the least violent cause. The deadliest, yes–they seemed to just be destroying souls–but strangely not as bloody. Yet their means of carrying out this objective has historically been, well, bloody.

Or maybe that was just me.

Either way, this victim had certainly not gotten the worst of it. There were no twisted limbs, no bloodied nose, no wounds from blade or bullet, basically no magic-driven attacks aside from the terminating consumption of the soul…only marks of the initial restraint, bruises from the subduing, and the abyss claiming and destroying the soul.

I could almost picture it in my head: they likely jumped him in the middle of the street, kicking him around a bit to possibly weaken him, throw him off balance, but not too much as to rouse resistance, then restraining him–to the floor? A wall? I couldn’t tell, but there were no rope burns so they must have done this by hand–and calling, somehow, for their god, for lack of a better word, to devour its newest victim’s soul.

What did he see as he died? Did their eyes turn as colorless as his would become? Had they shown any sign of enjoying his torment? I doubt it; it didn’t seem like a very ‘fun’ kill. And likely not as personal as it was for me.

They were getting much better at their kills. It probably wasn’t as fun, but more precise.

And a lot less violent than I had gotten.

—

I caught a glimpse of the charm from earlier out of the corner of my eye, but just as I looked it vanished. Just then a cold breeze hit me as the door behind me opened, and I was yanked out onto the street, leaving the phone dangling by the cord. The book dropped from my hands.

The four delinquents appeared in front of me from nowhere, likely having turned off their Moonlight Shroud charms.

“Gotcha,” Ransley said, smiling as he picked up the book.

“Give it BACK!” I roared, lunging for him. Ransley hit me hard across the face with the book, sending me flying a few feet back onto the brick road. Quickly I realized that my safety was not worth keeping that book. I didn’t know where or how Ransley learned to hit that hard but I wasn’t going to stick around to find out. As he and the others examined the book, I began to scurry away as Ransley gave an order to the others:

“Get him.”

An instant later, I heard something click far behind me, and a sharp pain ripped through my knee. I collapsed to the floor, letting out an agonized cry. I examined my knee, and saw a hole much bigger than a bullet hole should be. I looked up at my attackers.

A gun?!

“What the HELL?!” I shouted. “You’ve already got what you want! LEAVE ME ALO-“

Ardent appeared behind me and punched me square in the face. I held my probably-broken nose as a muffled shriek of pain escaped me. Each of them vanished and took turns raining blows and slashes on me as I tried to step back and run. They gave me almost no chance to react. My body ached everywhere; the knife wounds, though shallow, stung just as bad, if not worse, as any bee. I could barely stand. I used my remaining strength to try and push them off of me whenever I felt them, but I stumbled each time I did, giving them room to knock me around further. Finally I collapsed, and Ardent grabbed my shirt and dragged me to the bridge.

“W-wait-“ I cried, still wincing and crying from my bruises and decayed knee. “STOP IT!-”

—

I examined the bandages on my hand and knee. The ones from that night must’ve been amateurs, or at least new to the cult’s way of doing things.

Focus, Shroud.

The victim’s eyes were still open, and almost completely empty.

Almost.

The body must not be entirely empty, then. This wasn’t exactly a kill—whoever this person was, they would not be dead for much longer, or at least depending on your definition of ‘dead.’

How long ago had this attack been, then? I touched the skin—still warm-ish. This had to be recent.

By that logic, if this was meant not as a lethal attack, but as one of induction into their group…

I wasn’t sure how long I had been out, but I at least knew it wasn’t for very long.

So…I didn’t have much longer, then.

I instinctively jerked away from the body. Would he come back? He wouldn’t be under anyone’s control, at least for the first few minutes–how long does it take to kill someone? Would it be long enough for him to kill me?–no, he probably wouldn’t go after me; I had barely any soul left for him to long for…unless he’s just that desperate enough to take scraps from a near-husk.

What would he do when he came back? Would he wander around, lost, confused, until they welcomed him with false promises of salvation and freedom from the ‘burden’ of having a judgement-tied soul? Would he be violent, as they had been to him?

Then again…I came back after one of their attacks, but with a will of my own. Did they want me to come back? Why would they want me of all people to come back?

—

“You know how much trouble you caused us, […….…]?!” Ransley shouted as he kicked me in my injured leg. “Don’t act like you didn’t have this coming, you little weasel.”

“I didn’t-“ I tried to say.

Ransley propped me up on the sidewalk, just by the edge of the bridge, right above the river. He placed his hand on my bruised shoulder, looking at me with a bone-chilling grin.

Again, I got a good look at his eyes. This time, everything except the pupils was entirely white. As I looked I almost felt like I was staring at something beyond; further, even. But the harder I looked the more I could see how much nothing there was. And yet, in spite of that, this nothing seemed to be staring back at me.

The others had the same white eyes too, looking on with a horrible satisfaction.

“What…” I barely managed to say, “…what are y-you…?”

“Free,” Ransley answered, without his usual cruelty and instead with an uncharacteristically sanctimonious tone. “And with our help, so too will you be free.”

With a hard shove, I was pushed off the bridge.

I grabbed onto the edge with my hand, barely having the strength to pull myself up.

“T-this is insane-!” I cried. “Ransley! Please! Y-you can keep the book; I won’t call the police, just help me up-“

Ransley frowned and put his boot on my hand. He leaned in as he brought his foot down harder, crushing my hand. Bone splintered and crumbled under the weight of the shoe, and I let out a shriek as a cold look crossed his face.

“You really should stop holding on so much,” he said. “That’s your problem. That’s why you’re here. Just let go, and face oblivion.”

Ransley took his foot off finally, but my hand had run out of strength. I slipped, and fell into the river.

—

Either way, I had to work fast.

“Hey, kid!” Someone from the crowd called. “What’re you doing? Leave this to the professionals.”

I turned around, and maybe it was the speed at which I had whirled around to face them, or he did just flinch.

Was it my eyes?

“The police won’t find them,” I explained. “I know what I’m doing. I’ve studied demonology for a few years.”

I went back to the body.

“You mean you know who did this?” he asked.

“Maybe,” I answered. “I just wanna be sure…”

I pressed down on the bruises on their shoulder and arms. Hollow. I felt no bone or extra layer of skin or muscle underneath.

Just as I suspected, I thought. Soul devouring.

My only question now was, how much of the soul was left?

—-

The bridge wasn’t particularly tall; just enough for any small cargo ships to run under. But the fall felt much longer than it had any right to.

I never hit the water. I was swallowed by something but it certainly wasn’t the river. It was as cold and sharp but nothing wet ever touched my skin or clothes.

I did not fall into water. I fell into something foreign, something dark, something alive, something evil.

Its eyes were beady and attentive, focused, eager, and it had long rows of sharp fangs. It appeared to smile at me, expecting me, welcoming me. Whispers in demon-tongue surrounded me, and I overwhelmed myself trying to find a single word I could understand. The only thing I could catch was “going to hell” again…was this it? Was this hell? What circle was this?

I was immobile, unable to look away from the creature in front of me, unable to scream as it opened its fang-filled mouth. I couldn’t even let out a scream of protest; no, not against this, as it brought down its jaws and took a large bite out of a deep part of me even I could never access. The pain from my bruises and wounds no longer burned; only ached, as if the pain had been there forever.

I was hollow. If there was anything left, I barely even felt it. My wounds glowed a hot white color and became shallow. I felt nothing but an aching nigh-emptiness that seemed to have no origin I could place; no past; only a present and a long future.

I didn’t know how long I was in that void. But as much as I despised that thing for robbing me of my life, I was grateful that it chose to let me go.

—-


I took out my pen from my pocket and a couple of mini-candles from my satchel. I flicked a lighter and lit the candles, surrounding them at different points around the body. I began to draw an evocation circle around the body. I’m not sure what had stopped this cult from performing forced evocations as opposed to beating everyone into submission until they blacked out enough to face the abyss and have their soul devoured, but I wasn’t about to find any sense in a group of people who literally worship the abyss.

I took my time with the intricate webs of the circle, carefully connecting whatever remained of the soul to the points where I would draw in the runes, and connected those to the candles.

I then drew in symbols in the language of the spirits at the different sub-points that would draw up souls from the afterlife, adding a desperate prayer in each pen stroke that I evoke the right thing and not something unwelcome. I had to steady my hand as I did this, reminding myself that this was merely a human soul who was recently killed, so the chances of him having ended up in hell – was he that kind of person? – were slim; they had to be, of course they were; there was no need to panic so stop panicking. Yet knowing I was drawing the same symbols, the same webs, lighting the same candles as the deadly evokers around town who would break into people’s houses and draw evocation circles under their beds to call up who-knows-what from the pits of hell to torment the living…to think I was drawing the same circle that I checked for every night when I went to sleep…

The pen snapped in my shaking hand against the concrete, getting ink all over my hand. I swore, and rubbed some on my finger tip so I could start to finish the circle.

“What the hell are you doing, kid?!” someone cried, making me jump. “You’re tampering with evidence! That’s illegal!”

“You’re gonna screw up the investigation!” someone else shouted.

I steadied myself from being startled.

“This…this is the investigation,” I replied bluntly.

“Wh–okay…? Are you a detective or something?” the first guy asked.

I shrugged.

“I think so,” I said.

“You think-”

I could hear further shouts from the crowd as I turned the body over to draw the rest of the circle underneath, but I held up my hand to stop them from getting closer.

“Just let me work!” I cried without looking back.

That’s when I noticed some of the rapidly-decaying skin near the shoulder and side of the ankles. The skin had withered and given way to bone, the effect cutting through flesh and muscle. Even the bone had begun to decay.

Well, so much for minimal damage.  

I unzipped the victim’s jacket and pulled back the shirt just slightly to get a better look at the damage. The withering had spread further—the entire shoulder seemed about ready to decay. I took a camera out of my bag and took a picture of the decaying wounds.

With the remaining ink, I drew another sigil on the bandage of my injured hand, a heart-shaped eye-like symbol with two lines running up my index and middle finger. It was a painful process and I was just careful enough to have the pen not tear through the bandage, and I placed my shaking hand on the decaying shoulder and closed my eyes. I saw all of the injuries on the man’s body, including where he had been injured–he had a broken arm that had almost finished recovering, and a fractured foot that was also healing, but wasn’t as near completion as his arms. Either way, both of these had stopped healing, and had actually gotten worse, with the bones beginning to decay in both areas.

What was the point of beating people up, breaking them, letting them decay, and then expecting them to join you after you had broken them? My attackers probably went through the same thing as this man had–as I had, if this cult was larger than them. So why do the same thing to others?

But that was just it, though, wasn’t it?

They knew what it was like to be soulless, and only they knew not only how to recover from the injuries suffered, but how to disguise themselves as living to avoid trouble with the law.

I looked again at the bandages on my hand, and unraveled it slightly, careful not to let the crowd see. There, too, did my flesh begin to decay. This was the primary issue with not having a soul: without the very essence that gives us life, our bodies aren’t capable of self-healing anymore. Any injuries are permanent unless fixed by a doctor, or if we tend our own wounds.

Fortunately my bones—at least in my hand—hadn’t completely withered away. I managed to revive just in time, fortunately.

Just in time.

——

I don’t remember much about the day I woke up. Just the excruciating, aching pain.

What I did know was I had washed up on the shore of the city, and I couldn’t stand up for a very long time. A burning sensation enveloped my entire hand and knee, and I felt a throbbing sensation in both areas. The bruises from the beatdown stuck on me like a leech, but most vividly, my chest felt hollow. And it hurt. The emptiness gnawed at the inside of my chest, and it, too, burned and ached. Like a stomach ache in the wrong place.

With my good hand I crawled my way off of the shore until I found a lamppost. I grabbed onto it, and propped up my good knee. I swung my arm toward the lamppost, grabbing onto it with my bad hand, shocks of pain running through my body. I tried to haul myself up, but the weight of my body caved my knee in, and I collapsed. That’s when I got a good look at my hand.

Bits of skin had completely come off, seeming to have withered away. Pieces of bone underneath had chipped off.

I grew nauseous and I felt the blood drain from my face. I let out some inhuman noise that I reckoned was some attempt at a scream but came out as a cross between that and a moan of agony.

How had this happened?

It was a horrible sound, but at least I had been found. Otherwise, who knows what would’ve happened?

Or who else would’ve found me?

——

Finishing the circle grew tricky as my hand trembled, though I was unsure if it was from the injury or from the reality of the process itself.

“Kid, we don’t even know who you are,” the guy from earlier said. “Are you even a licensed detective?”

I ignored him and wiped some of the ink from my pen on my hand, pressing my hands together to activate the circle. As the soul fire candles flared, what little color was left in their eyes drained slowly, and a small, glowing, deteriorated wisp of a soul rose out of the victim’s body.

This was all that was left…

Somehow this dead man was just the same as I, who could still breath, still walk, still talk, still live—but only just.

What had this man’s soul seen before it was decimated? If, in fact, the same people who killed me are responsible for this, did he, too, see the same grinning face in the abyss that I had? Was he as afraid as I was? Or did he accept this as death?

I took my mage’s license out of my pocket and showed it to the crowd.

“I’m a licensed magic user,” I said, “is that enough?”

“…that’s not a detective license,” the same guy said. “I’m calling the police.”

“Great!” I said. “Tell them the Brotherhood of Abyss Walkers did this.” At this point it was all but confirmed.

“The…what?”

“The cult that keeps tormenting this forsaken town,” I explained. “The one behind all the unexplained murders.”

The guy—along with the rest of the crowd—stifled a laugh. Some of them couldn’t hold it in.

“There’s no cult in New Lumanore,” someone else said. “Our security’s airtight; no way they would’ve been able to form a guild without a license.”

“Just call the authorities, Aaron,” a lady in the crowd said. “This kid isn’t worth persuading.”

“W-wait-“ I said before letting out a resigned sigh. I packed up the candles and pocketed my pen, and took off. I knew who the culprit was. What the police had to say didn’t bother me.

They’ll believe me when I put the culprit behind bars.

—————

In previous investigations I managed to pin down the general area where the Abyss Walkers operate. Prior murders took place at least within a mile’s range of Eclipse Avenue, an area further south of New Lumanore. It was a relatively quiet and empty area; there were quite a bit of shops and buildings of unknown function that no one ever seemed to go into, not even during the day.

The entire place screamed occult activity.

Sure enough, just as I hit the corner of the avenue I caught a glimpse of a Moonlight Shroud charm, pinned to the outwear of a hooded figure. They were walking along the other side of the street, hanging close to the bare wall of a wide building.

Once they were some distance along I crossed the street quickly and began tailing them.

Confrontation wasn’t new to me, just…unfavorable. Is that why I trembled? Either way I knew the procedure: Walk with the same beat. Same path, same pattern of step. Stop when he stops. Walk like this until the shadow is close enough for contact.

Once I did I took out a capsule from my coat. It contained shadow ink, allowing me to either create my own shadow, or to hide within someone else’s. I didn’t have enough of a soul to perform any magical feats on my own–whatever I could do would probably just come out as sparks–so this was the best I could work with. Unfortunately the capsule was nearly empty, and I made a mental note to contact my supplier after I was finished. In the meantime, I used what was left to lather my hand in ink as I silently crept behind the lone cultist, and pressed my hand against his shadow. I latched on and eventually got pulled in. Inside the shadow realm, I had a black-and-white view of the street from inside the wall. I couldn’t breathe, though, and I couldn’t hold my breath for very long so I knew I had to jump him sooner rather than later.

I took a coin out of my pocket and tossed it outside behind the cultist. He stopped and turned around, as expected, and I took the moment to lunge out and grab him by the throat.

—————

The cultist narrowed his eyes, and an amused smirk came on his face.

“Hey…” he said. “I know you.”

I flinched. How?

He kicked me off and stood up.

“You…you’re the kid we got that book from!” He chuckled. “You don’t quit, do you? This is really what you chose to do after death? Vigilante work?”

I felt the blood drained from my face.

“…what are you talking about?” I lied. “What book?”

“The demonology book, stupid,” he said. “The thing damning you to begin with. You forgot already? Or did you lose your memories alongside almost all your soul somehow?”

I clenched my fist, resisting the urge to charge at him again. I couldn’t take him in a head-on fight. I was too weak for that.

“Tell me,” he said. “How’s it feel? Being so close to freedom, so close to ridding yourself of that moral creed weighing you down…no fear of rapture…just your life and your…well, I suppose now broken…body, and your heart and mind.”

“Shut up,” I snapped.

“Good thing you came back, though. We’ve been slacking on our initiations recently…Ardent went a little too hard on too many people. We’re behind on our quota.”

“Wait a sec…” I took a step back. “What do you mean ‘too hard?’ Aren’t they supposed to come back?”

“The idiot decided to use magic to slow the initiates down,” the cultist explained. “As if that wouldn’t damage the soul at all. I’m sure you of all people know. You’ve taken enough beatings form him, right, D–“

I punched him in the face. The second I made contact I realized I had used my bad hand without thinking. Bone snapped, collapsed, and even shifted through the hole in my hand. I let out a far-too-loud shriek of agony as I recoiled and caressed my hand, trying to relocate the bone.

The cultist looked at me and laughed, and I raised a finger on my good hand and threatened him:

“Don’t try that again,” I said. “I’ve still got one—ahh…—perfectly functioning hand.”

“Fine by me,” he replied. “You hit hard for a dead person…”

My hand still ached from the punch. I imagine it probably hurt me way more than it hurt him.

“Do you mean to turn me in, Shroud?” the cultist hissed. “Just try it. I know who you are. They’ll find out you’re undead and investigate you to hell and back. Whatever decimal of a soul you have left won’t save you. Not even close.”

“I can’t trust you with that information even if I let you go,” I said. “But even if you do…I’ll know sooner or later if you’ve said something. You best not try it if you don’t wanna die twice.”

The cultist grinned.

“I’m shaking,” he said, deadpan. “I’ll just come back again.”

“What, are there no revival limits in your little group?”

“Nope. He’ll bring us back again and again as long as he needs us.”

“That sounds terrible.”

“Oh, you’ve only been resurrected once, you big baby,” the cultist said. “You’ll get used to it.”

“I’m not joining you.”

“You have no reason not to,” the cultist said. “We can fix your broken body; make you look and seem as alive as the next person. Those remnants of a soul may not matter to the police, who’ll mark you as soulless anyway, but you know who it does matter to?” He pointed at the sky and at the group. “Them. Someone like you, who’s spent hours learning about heaven’s enemies…you think you have any chance of reaching heaven? HA!”

I fell silent. Just when I thought being registered as ‘dead’ to everyone you know meant they wouldn’t bother you about being a (rookie) demonologist anymore. That reminder worked my last nerve, yet every time it was brought up I could never muster up a proper defense.

“…I’m aware,” I mumbled.

“Besides, I’m sure you’re just livid at the police, who never caught who got you. I’m sure you’d like your vengeance against them for failing you…we can help you out with that, if you’d like. After all, why should we fear death, or judgement, from this life or the next? Like I’ve said, we’ve got no soul to weigh us down to heaven or hell. No death, no judgment. Just you, whatever you wanna do, and a welcoming oblivion who’ll spit you back out as many times as needed. As long as you keep it fed, that is.”

“It doesn’t matter if the police know or if they don’t know,” I said. “I know. And I’ll know more than they ever will. Besides, why the hell would I trust you to give me closure about my death–the death YOU caused?!”

The cultist frowned.

“And that’s just the trouble, isn’t it…you’re just about soulless, and the only soulless person New Lumanore who isn’t with us and…for what? You lose nothing by joining us!”

“First of all,” I shouted. “I am not soulless. Your stupid demon didn’t take all of it.”

“Yeah. Still not sure why that happened,” the cultist replied, “but who am I to question the great abyss–”

“Oh, shut up. And second of all–just in case you forgot–YOU KILLED ME! I don’t owe you loyalty, or gratitude, or mercy…I owe you nothing.”

“You may be upset now,” the cultist said, “but you’ll learn to thank us later.”

“I will not.”

His frown turned into a scowl. He took out a small cylinder from his pocket.

“I was gonna use this the day of the attack,” he said, “but I didn’t see any point. Seemed like the others were doing just fine without the staff.”

Sure enough, the cylinder popped open into a metal bo-staff. He walked towards me, twirling it through his fingers.

“You’ve been chasing the wrong thing, Shroud,” he said. “You think you need vengeance, but what you really need is security. We all know what being soulless is like. You’re weaker, you can’t heal your wounds, you can’t do magic, and it’s pretty obvious when you’ve just come back from the dead. I don’t care what three-percent of a soul you do have; it’s nowhere near enough for you to enjoy all the privileges of being fully human. Face it. You’re basically the same as us.”

As I stepped back, he stopped spinning the staff and instead gripped it with both hands.

“So you can either let go of those remnants you have the audacity to still call a soul, then come with us and let us give you the safety you so desperately need,” he said, rearing the staff back, “…or we’ll just break you further and let oblivion do what it wishes with your remains.”

He started to bring the staff down.

“WAIT!” I yelled, bringing my hands to my face.

Surprisingly enough, he actually froze, the staff a couple inches from my face.

“Okay…I get it…” I said. “You’re right. I won’t turn you in. Just…promise me you won’t tell anyone who I am.”

“What’s stopping me?” the cultist asked, cocking his head slightly and raising an eyebrow.

“Look. I didn’t turn you in,” I said. “You owe me.”

“No I don’t. I’m not tied to anything but oblivion.”

I let out an annoyed huff.

“Like I said. I’ll know if you exposed me,” I reminded him. “I don’t care if that scares you or not, just…let me go.”

“Let YOU go?! You jumped ME!”

“And I had—I…thought…I had the right to. Look…I’m backing down. You go about your night. I go about mine. We don’t speak of this.”

The cultist hesitated, then put the staff away.

“Fine,” he said. “But we’ll still come back for you. Whether or not your initiation goes smoothly is entirely on you.”

With that, he pulled out the same charm he had on the day of the attack, and vanished.

“See you around,” he said.

That was the last I heard of him that night.

Once I thought I was safe, I let out a loud groan of annoyance.

I had him. He was literally a few feet away. If I *just* had more shadow ink that would’ve been it for him.

But…he was right. I was at every possible disadvantage. And I couldn’t work like that. I shouldn’t have jumped him. I should’ve just taken note of his appearance and went from there. That was foolish on my part.

But…I did have his appearance now.

But he had my identity.

I still wasn’t at a complete advantage. And I couldn’t work like that. I had to lay low, and rebuild. My hand was wounded and I was lucky I didn’t get my skull bashed in. There was no way I could have recovered from that. But I wouldn’t give up. I had a lead and I wasn’t letting go of it.

I didn’t care about their ‘freedom’ or ‘not being tied down’ or anything like that. Fact of the matter is, they were hurting people, and their demon lord had more control over them than they’d realize.

They were beyond redemption. The demon didn’t bind them through any soul manipulation or contract–it was some weird combination of free will, gratitude, and the threat of permanent death.

These cultists had to go, and quickly. They had to pay, and dearly.

I know I’m weak, but once I’m back up and running I would do as much damage from the shadows as humanly possible.

They weren’t bound by any rules, so why should I have to be?

I didn’t care how many times I would get hurt. They ruined my life, and I was going to pay them back tenfold.

[omgrachwrites]

The Princess and The Duke - Chapter Fifteen

Pairing: Sirius Black x Reader

Summary: As the Princess of Spain, you were always supposed to marry King James of England to make an alliance between Spain and England. When he marries a woman at his court for love, you are married off to his best friend, Sirius Black the Duke of Bedford to keep the alliance. However, the court is riddled with secrets and a rebel in the North starts to rise against the Throne. Royal AU.

Warnings: fluff, angst, character death

Words: 2582

Disclaimer: This Spanish was used with google translate and these gifs don’t belong to me!

Translations: I must be in heaven because I see an angel - debro estar en el porque veo un angel.

You have always been one of the bravest men I know - siempro has sido uno de los hombres mas valientes que conozco.

A/N: I would like to formally apologise for this chapter, please don’t hate me! There will only be a few more chapters left I think! I’ve changed a couple of things to make it fit into the story better, please let me know what you think and let me know if you would like to be tagged, I love you all! xxx

Chapter Fifteen - A Little Fall of Rain

Sirius grinned as he wrapped his arms around his little girl as he helped her hold the reins of the horse properly, delighting in her little giggles. The village was as quaint and beautiful as Sirius remembered and the villagers seemed to be even nicer. Glancing over at his wife, he noticed that Y/N was in her element as she helped Johnathan sit upright at the front of her horse. Her beautiful face gleamed with happiness as the townspeople called out to her, blowing kisses and showering her with pink petals.

She looked every inch the Princess as the flower petals got caught in her shiny hair. The twins giggled as they reached their little hands into the air, trying to catch some of the falling petals.

“Do you like being back in France, my darling?” Sirius asked with a grin as they passed the gorgeous little chapel.

Y/N sighed wistfully as she gazed over at him, a small smile playing around the edge of her lips, “it’s better than I could have ever imagined.”

They had been back to France since their wedding but it had only been when Sophia had moved to French court, where they had spent their visits. The Duke and the Duchess hadn’t stayed at their beautiful chateau since they had got married, so they took the opportunity to ride through the little villages that lay in the shadow of the chateau.

Sirius grinned at her answer as a petal stuck to his lip; he chuckled as he blew it off, “I love you, Y/N.”

“I know,” she fixed him with a teasing grin; “I love you too.”

Sirius laughed as he glanced back at Andromeda who was grinning at a handsome French boy frim where she sat on her horse, making Sirius roll his eyes. Andromeda was Y/N’s new lady in waiting and she was Sirius’ cousin which seemed to be the best option. Y/N really liked her, maybe too much since she had asked Andromeda to tell her embarrassing stories about Sirius from when he was growing up. Andromeda was someone that Y/N wouldn’t be suspicious of. It was the best solution for everyone.

As the small party made its way out of the village they bid goodbye to the kind townspeople, Y/N blew them kisses and Sirius waved at them before they finally crossed the grey stone bridge that had been built over the rushing stream. When they reached the gorgeous chateau nestled in the hills, the twins gasped and pointed at it while Y/N sighed happily.

“It’s so beautiful,” Andromeda breathed as they rode through the portcullis.

“I’m so happy that we did this,” Y/N beamed and reached across to take Sirius’ hand, Sirius grinned and kissed her fingers as he nodded.

Lily and James had offered Sirius and Y/N some time off, Lily had assured Y/N that she would be fine with her other ladies to help her. Sirius had accepted the time off before his wife could refuse. It was admirable that Y/N was so attentive in her duties to the Queen but it was clear that they both needed some time off. Before they had set off for France, the King and Queen had asked Sirius and Y/N to be the godparents to their unborn child which Y/N was very excited about.

The servants of the chateau were very happy to see that their Master had returned to them alive and well, they had no doubt heard about the troubles that were happening in England. Once everybody had settled and unpacked their luggage, summer wine and cakes were served in one of the beautiful gardens.

Sirius and his family sat among the gorgeous roses as the twins played in the gently flowing stream. Sirius loved to hear them play together, he was determined that they would grow up as best friends, unlike him and Regulus. Andromeda smiled as she lay beneath one of the trees with her eyes closed.

“I love it here; I can see why you two wanted to come back so much.”

Y/N sighed wistfully as she nodded, her head tucked against Sirius’ chest as she traced circles over his warm skin, “it will be even harder to leave but we all needed a break,” she rubbed her temples and Sirius pulled her closer, stroking through her hair gently with his long fingers.

“Okay, new rule, let’s not talk about court while we’re here,” Y/N grinned and nodded, leaning up to sweetly kiss his cheek. Sirius turned his head so she kissed his lips at the last moment, making her giggle into the kiss.

Andromeda sat up, looking over at Sirius and Y/N with a sly smile on her face, “so, when are you two going to have another baby?”

Sirius rolled his eyes while Y/N gasped happily as she took his hand. Everybody had been asking them that lately and it was starting to annoy Sirius but Y/N loved it.

“I would really love another child as soon as possible but Sirius doesn’t think so,” she pouted up at him.

Sirius sighed as he pressed a kiss against her forehead, “I just think that we should wait a little bit longer, the twins are only two and soon enough we’ll have our hands full with the Royal Prince or Princess,” he laughed while Andromeda nodded understandingly, “we’re being safe,” Sirius nudged Y/N’s shoulder with a smirk before he took her hands in his own, “I promise that we will have more children.

Y/N gave him a beautiful grin as she kissed his lips, giggling when the soaking wet twins jumped into her arms so they could dry off in the sun.

The merriment of spending a week in France, where they did nothing but lounge around in the sun was over too soon. Y/N and Sirius had filled their nights with love making and had spent half of the morning sleeping in. Sirius knew that Y/N was especially sad to leave France; it was hard for her to hold back her tears as they rode away from the chateau. Sirius promised that they would be back soon.

Once Sirius and Y/N were back at English court – where thankfully the weather was as warm as it was in France – they got right down to business. They were trying to locate the missing prisoners who had branded themselves as Death Eaters, followers of Voldemort who was now much more than a fable. Sirius thought that there was a traitor at court.

The whole court was in attendance in the stuffy Throne Room when the door burst open and a bleeding man stumbled through it, “Sirius,” he mumbled weakly as he fell to the floor and Sirius realised with a jolt that it was Regulus.

“Regulus!” Y/N gasped as Sirius ran over to his little brother, Sirius teared up when he saw just how much Regulus was bleeding, his shirt was soaked red and he was extremely pale, shivering in Sirius’ arms.

“Get a doctor!” he looked behind him to see everyone standing with their mouths agape, Remus was the first one to shake himself out of it and he hurried to find a doctor while James dismissed the court.

“No,” Regulus said weakly as he choked on the blood that was filling his mouth, “I’ll be dead before a doctor can get here, you were right, you were always right. I nearly got away,” he winced and spluttered.

Sirius shook his head as tears spilled down his cheeks and it felt like a dagger to the heart to see his baby brother die in his arms, “you’re not going to die, I won’t let you die.”

Regulus chuckled weakly, “you’re such a good brother, always looking after me, if only mother could have seen how amazing you are. Sirius, I’m scared, I don’t want to die alone,” Regulus’ eyes were round and scared. Sirius hadn’t seen him look like that since he was a little boy when he used to sleep in Sirius’ room after a bad dream.

Sirius shook his head as he sniffled, “there’s nothing to be scared of, and you won’t be alone. I’ll stay with you,” he held Regulus close to his chest.

Regulus glanced over at Y/N and gave her a cheeky smile, “debro estar en el porque veo un angel.”

Y/N sniffed as she gave him a watery smile, “siempro has sido uno de los hombres mas valientes que conozco.”

Regulus smiled and looked back at Sirius, “I’m not going to say goodbye because I’ll see you again.”

Sirius nodded, “I’ll see you again,” there was a ghost of a smile on Regulus’ face as his breathing slowed and eventually came to a stop. Sirius sobbed as he brought his brother’s limp lifeless body close to his chest, it felt like a part of his heart had died alongside Regulus, his baby brother.

-------------------------------

Sirius’ profile looked sad and tense and you knew the reason why, Regulus’ funeral had been beautiful but it was something that should never have happened. You were so heartbroken so you knew that Sirius must be feeling even worse, after his baby brother had died in his arms. He’d been a hero and he’d died a hero’s death, he had tried to thwart Voldemort and for that he would be forever honoured.

You knew that Sirius was also worried because an old sorcerer who had been banished by James’ father had contacted the King, telling him that he had news of a prophecy that affected James, Lily and their unborn child. James didn’t much believe in prophecies but he decided that it couldn’t hurt to listen, his benevolent nature had allowed the sorcerer to return to court, but only if his information was good. James had sent for you, Sirius, Remus and Peter to hear the prophecy, you were the ones that he trusted without question.

Your husband stopped outside of the council chamber and looked at you with wild sad eyes, the grey colour of his eyes didn’t sparkle as much as they used to. He took your hands and kissed along your fingers, you were worried about what he had to say.

“Maybe,” he swallowed, “maybe you should take the twins and go back to Spain,” he sniffled, refusing to look at you.

His words caused a jolt of panic to go through you; did he really want you to go? “what? What are you talking about? Why on Earth would I go back to Spain?”

Sirius shook his head as tears stung at his eyes and you cupped his stubbled cheeks so he would actually look at you, “because I’m damaged goods, Y/N!” he threw up his hands, “first it was because my parents didn’t love me and now, my brother is dead, don’t you get it? I was supposed to protect him! That was my job! You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t have any worries.”

“Sirius, darling,” you sighed as you leaned forward to kiss him, “I don’t believe there’s anyone in this whole world who has no worries and I don’t want anyone else. We promised to be together till death do us part and even then death can’t keep us apart. Unless you don’t want me here anymore, do you actually want me to leave?”

Sirius sniffled as he wiped the tears from his handsome face and he offered you a small smile, “I don’t want you to leave. Never. I just think that you deserve better.”

You smiled as you kissed his cheek, “then I’m never going to leave, you’re the love of my life, Sirius Orion Black. I only want to be with you.”

Sirius cupped your cheek and kissed you slowly and deeply, “I love you, Y/N,” he whispered against your lips, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Sirius,” you smiled and nodded at the door behind him, “come on, we shouldn’t keep everyone waiting.”

Sirius nodded as he reached down and laced his fingers through yours as you both walked through the door of the council chambers. The table had been moved out of the way to make way for the tall throne like chairs and an old man was standing before the King and Queen. As you and Sirius entered the room, he turned to look at you, smiling benevolently as he peered at you through half-moon spectacles. With his long white hair and beard he looked exactly like a sorcerer from a storybook.

You greeted Remus and Peter as you sat on one of the tall chairs, smiling at Lily as she looked at you nervously, her hands protectively on her stomach.

James was the one to speak up first, “I don’t much believe in prophecies and the like, Dumbledore but for my wife,” he reached over to take Lily’s hand, “I would do anything, if your information proves to be good and if you can help us thwart Voldemort then you may stay at court.”

“You’re very kind, Your Majesty,” Dumbledore bowed his head as he got glass ball from his pocket, “if you would hold this against your stomach, Your Majesty,” he gave the ball to Lily, “the prophecy is about your unborn son, we will only be able to hear the prophecy if it’s close to him.”

Lily nodded and took the glass ball and did as Dumbledore said, you and Sirius leaned in as the smoke cleared and the face of a woman in huge spectacles appeared, you exchanged a worried look with Lily. It seemed that you both recognised that woman; it had been the woman that had frightened Lily at the summer festival.

“The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches…born as to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies… and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not… and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives… the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies.”

Deafening silence filled the room as you felt a chill of dread run down your spine as Lily blinked back tears.

“How do you know this is about our son?” James asked, finally breaking the silence.

Dumbledore walked closer to the King and showed him an engraving on the metal part that the ball was set in, “Harry James Potter,” James read out.

James and Lily both exchanged worried glances, “we have decided on the name Harry if we have a son and we wanted him to take James’ name as his middle one, and he’s due at the end of July” Lily sniffled as she looked down at her stomach, “he’s the only one who can defeat Voldemort, Voldemort will be coming after him, and us. He’ll want to kill us,” Lily’s breath started getting short and you got from your seat and wrapped your arms around her.

“The only people who know about the prophecy are in this room, word will never be able to get back to Voldemort, we’ll be okay,” Sirius smiled but you could feel that this was only the beginning.

You glanced up through the door that had been cracked open but it was enough for you to see the back of a greasy head walking down the corridor, glancing back as he did so.

-------------------------------

@smiithys @elayneblack @amelie-black @siriuslyjanhvi @pregnant-piggy @lindatreb @mabelle-cherie @hxrgreeves @britishspidey @mads-bri @classicrocketqueen @sxtansqueen @hufflepuffzutara @missmulti @bruxa0007 @ourstarsailor @fific7 @galwithbluethoughts @2410slb @sunles @krismeunicornbaobei @theincredibledeadlyviper @deathkat657 @lonegryffindor2005 @writing-your-heart-out​

[stevensbf]

IM GOING TO PUBLICLY EXECUTE YOU /silly

Hello, everybody. Thanks for comin’.

I am the Lorax.

I speak for the trees.

And I’d like to say a few words, if you please.

Regarding the story that you’re about to see it actually happened.

Just take it from me.

But there’s more to this story than what’s on the page,

so please pay attention while I set the stage.

We open in Thneedville, a city they say

that was plastic and fake, and they liked it that way!

A town without nature, not one living tree.

So, what happened to them?

Cue the music! Let’s see.

Buzz. Buzz.

♪ In Thneedville, ♪ ♪ it’s a brand new dawn ♪

♪ With brand new cars ♪ ♪ and houses and lawns ♪

♪ Here in ♪ ♪ Got-all-that-we-need-ville ♪

♪ In Thneedville, ♪ ♪ we manufacture our trees ♪

♪ Each one is made in factories ♪

♪ And uses 96 batteries ♪

♪ In Thneedville, ♪ ♪ the air’s not so clean ♪

♪ So we buy it fresh ♪

♪ It comes out this machine! ♪

♪ In Satisfaction’s-♪ ♪ guaranteed-ville ♪

♪ In Thneedville, ♪ ♪ we don’t want to know ♪

♪ Where the smog and trash ♪ ♪ and chemicals go ♪

♪ I just went swimming, ♪ ♪ and now I glow ♪

♪ In Thneedville, ♪ ♪ we have fun year round ♪

♪ We surf and snowboard ♪ ♪ right in town ♪

♪ We thank the Lord ♪ ♪ for all we’ve got ♪

♪ Including this ♪ ♪ brand new parking lot! ♪

♪ Parking lot! ♪

♪ Oh, look, it’s Aloysius O’Hare ♪

♪ Aloysius O’Hare ♪

♪ The man who found ♪ ♪ a way to sell air ♪

♪ And became a zillionaire ♪

♪ Hip-hip-hooray! ♪

♪ In Thneedville, ♪ ♪ we love living this way ♪

♪ It’s like living in paradise ♪

♪ It’s perfect! ♪ ♪ And that’s how it will stay ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Here in ♪ ♪ Love-the-life-we-lead-ville ♪

♪ Destined-to-succeed-ville ♪

♪ We-are-all-agreed-ville ♪

♪ We love it here in… ♪

♪ Thneedville! ♪

Yes!

Oh, hi, Ted.

Oh, hey, Audrey. Hi.

Did your ball land in my backyard again?

What? No. A model airplane, this time.

Hey, do you want to see something cool? Come on.

Whoa!

Did you… Did you paint this?

Do you like it?

What? Are you kidding? This is amazing! What are those?

Those are trees. Real ones. They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk!

Wow! What does that even mean?

I know, right?

Oh, yeah.

What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree growing in my backyard.

So if, say… I’m just thinking out loud here. If a guy somehow got you one…

I’d probably marry him on the spot. I bet that sounds crazy. Does that sound crazy?

No! Not crazy. Not crazy at all.

* * *

Ted, honey, don’t play with your food. You, either, Mom.

So, Mom, do you happen to know if there’s any place where I could get a real tree?

Ted, we already have a tree. It’s the latest model.

Yeah, but I mean a real one that grows out of the ground or whatever. You know, a real tree.

Really?

You would rather have some dirty, messy lump of wood that just sticks out of the ground? And it does what? I don’t even know what it does. What’s its purpose? Look at what we’ve got. It’s the Oak-amatic. The only tree with its own remote. Summer, autumn, winter, and disco!

Mom? Come on, Ted. Get into it.

Dance with the tree.

Oh, it hurts, Mom. Please stop.

So, anyway… Let’s just say I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?

Then you know what? You need to find the Once-ler.

The What?

Mom, it’s not really the time for one of your magical fables, okay?

That’s right, I forgot. I’m old and can’t even remember to put my teeth in.

Stand down. That’s not what I meant.

No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?

Sure, Mom.

Okay, here’s the deal. The Once-ler is the man who knows what happened to the trees. You want one, you need to find him.

The Once-ler? Mmm-hmm. Okay. Grammy, is this a real thing that we’re talking about now?

Oh, he’s real all right.

Well, where can I find him?

Far outside of town where the grass never grows and the wind smells slow and sour when it blows. And no birds ever sing, excepting old crows.

Quit doing that.

That’s the place where the Once-ler lives.

Wait, outside of town?

People used to say if you brought him 15 cents, a nail and the shell of a great, great, great grandfather snail, he would tell you everything.

* * *

Hmm.

Mr. O’Hare, what we’ve got for you is something that is going to take O’Hare Air to the next level.

Now, Mr. O’Hare, I know what you’re thinking. One, “I’ve gotten rich selling people air that’s” “fresher than the stinky stuff outside.” Two, and here is the important one, “How can I possibly make even more money?” We can tell you, sir! We can tell you.

Check out this commercial, huh?

Well, here goes another lame Saturday.

Dude, I don’t think so! Huh!

Hey!

Man!

Oh, yeah!

What!

Yeah!

O’Hare purified air. Freshness to go. Please breathe responsibly.

Ah?

Oh, my goodness. Yeah! Love it.

You got to be kidding me. You really think people are stupid enough to buy this?

Our research shows that if you put something in a plastic bottle, people will buy it.

Exactly. And…

And what’s more, when we build a new factory to make the plastic bottles, the air quality is just going to get worse.

Which will make people want our air even more, and drive sales where?

Through the roof!

So, in other words, the more smog in the sky, the more people will buy.

See, that’s why he’s the genius!

It even rhymes!

I’m aware it rhymes.

Coats. Big.

What do you two knuckleheads want? I’m in the middle of a meeting!

What?

Why is he leaving town? No one ever leaves town! See what he’s up to.

* * *

Whoa!

Huh?

Whoa! Whoa.

Oh, man.

Whoa!

All right.

Okay.

What the…

Whoa!

Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?

I’m Ted. I’m Ted. I can’t breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man.

Didn’t you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don’t let the boot hit you on the way out.

The boot?

Hello!

Ow!

Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. No, no, no!

Trees?

Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? Hello?

Sorry, it’s just… Well, I didn’t think anyone still cared about trees.

Well, that’s me. The guy who still cares. I’m here. Hey! What?

Do you want to know about trees? About what happened to them? Why they’re all gone? It’s because of me.

Wait, what?

It’s because of me! And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of a thousand.

All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that’s cool.

You’re darn right it was cool! It all started a long time ago.

Can we start not so long ago, maybe?

Do you want a tree?

Yes, yes.

Then it all started a long, long time ago. I was a young man leaving home…

Well, here I go, Mom. Off to change the world with my Thneed. I’m actually doing it!

Yes, but just remember, Oncie, if somehow your invention ends up a failure instead of a success, oh, it wouldn’t surprise me at all!

Nice wheels. Burn! Ow!

Yeah, “Burn!” But you will see, okay? I’m going to prove you all wrong. Come on, Melvin!

So, there I was at the very bottom. With nothing but a wagon, a mule, and a completely irrational sense of optimism.

I was searching the globe, obsessed with finding the perfect material for my Thneed. But I’d had absolutely no success. Until one day, I found paradise…

Oh! We’re going to be there soon, I’m sure. Whoa!

This is the most beautiful place, okay, I have ever seen.

Oh.

Ta-da!

Whoa!

Yeah.

♪ This is it ♪

♪ This is the place ♪

♪ These Truffula trees ♪ ♪ are just what I need ♪

♪ Gonna chop one down ♪ ♪ and make my Thneed ♪

♪ But first… ♪

♪ Na! Na! Nanana Na! ♪

♪ Na Na Nana Nanana Na Na… ♪

♪ Now you! ♪

♪ That’s great! ♪

♪ So now our ♪ ♪ friendship can begin ♪

♪ Hand in hand, ♪ ♪ and wing and fin ♪

♪ There’s nothing ♪ ♪ you and I can’t do ♪

♪ So let’s all make ♪ ♪ my dreams come true ♪

Hey, guys! Come on, where is my back-up chorus?

What?

Ah-ha! Oh.

Ooh!

Hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute.

Excuse me?

Yeah, that’s awesome. Feeding junk food to forest animals? That’s great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? Because I would love to hear that one.

Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story, and was never heard from again.

Right, got it. Proceed.

All right, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.

Check it out, guys… Where did everybody go?

Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.

Hey!

Whoo!

Did you chop down this tree?

Uh… No.

Who did it?

What’s that? I think he did it.

Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your ax and get out!

And who are you?

I’m the Lorax! Guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. So you’re telling me, you just didn’t see me magically appear out of that stump? With all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn’t see any of that?

No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?

Uh, yeah, I could show you. But that’s not how it works.

Okay. Um… Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw! Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy…

How dare you! Give me that! Mmm. I’m going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.

What are you… Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? What’s your deal, man?

Pull them right out Time for you to go, Beanpole!

Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.

Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature’s innocent creatures?

What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!

Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. Shame on you. For shame!

All right, you know what? That’s it! You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I’m going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story.

Then you leave me no choice. If you’re not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. Thanks.

Yeah, okay.

You have been warned.

But I didn’t listen to his warning. And you won’t believe what happened that night.

What?

If you want to hear more, come back tomorrow.

Hey, wait, wait! Tomorrow?

Whoa!

Whoa-ho-ho.

Are you serious right now?

Ah! You live in the middle of nowhere!

It stinks out here. Don’t make me come back!

I guess you don’t really want to hear the rest of the story.

No, no.

I do. I really do. I want to hear the story. I just…

Nah! You don’t have what it takes. Goodbye.

Wait, wait! I have what it takes. It’s all right. It’s okay, I’ll come back. It’s no problem. See, here I am, leaving. Walking away now. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Mmm. Maybe. Just maybe.

* * *

What did you wish for, Audrey?

Well, I would love to tell you, but, sadly, according to the universal wish laws, I cannot I know what she wished for.

Was it, perhaps… This?

Ted, you didn’t.

Oh, no. I totally did. Happy birthday, Audrey.

Kiss him! Kiss him!

Ted. Ted. Tedster.

Huh!

You’re kissing the cereal again, hon. What?

I just… I like this cereal.

What one is this? Yeah!

Okay.

Well, I’ll make sure to buy extra next time for you.

All right, cool. Hey, I got to run. I got to go do a thing. So, I’ll see you guys.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You’re not going anywhere, young man. It’s Sunday. You know what that means? Family time, and we’re all playing board games!

But…

Hmm. Mmm?

Oh, man.

Mom, seriously, every turn?

Hey, back off! Ooh! No.

Okay! Family time is over. It is now personal time. I’ll be in my room.

Okay, dear. Have fun.

I knew I could break her. Go.

Huh?

Go see him!

Oh, yeah! You rule! Thank you, Grammy.

* * *

Whoa!

Hey! Ted, right?

Um, Mr. O’Hare?

So, I hear you have become interested in trees. What’s that all about?

Oh. Um… Where did you hear that?

Oh. Teddy, there’s not much that goes on in Thneedville that I don’t know about. Here’s the deal, I make a living selling fresh air to people. Trees? They make it for free. So, when I hear people talking about them, I consider it kind of a threat to my business.

I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

You listen to me, boy. Don’t go poking around in things you don’t understand or I’ll be your worst nightmare. I’m Frankenstein’s head on a spider’s body!

Yeah, um… Okay, my mom is expecting me. So, I’m just going to…

Of course, of course. Now, go back to your family game time. Grandma just finished her turn.

How did you know?

Please. I have eyes everywhere.

Huh!

You got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. Why, I can’t think of any reason you would ever want to go outside of town again.

Even.

Okay! Good talk. Really good talk.

Oh, no. Look out! Hey, man? You know, you need to change that door bell.

Oh, you missed me.

What?

You’re already back. Clearly, you missed me a little. Right?

No, I didn’t. I’m just here to hear the end of the story.

Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren’t you like other kids, break dancing and wearing bell-bottoms, and playing the Donkey Kongs?

Yeah, right, right. I don’t know.

Uh, I just thought it would be kind of cool to have one, you know?

Huh? It’s a girl, isn’t it?

What? No!

Really? Because when a guy does something stupid once, well, that’s because he’s a guy. But if he does the same stupid thing twice, it’s usually to impress some girl.

Hey, she is not some girl! She’s a woman, in high school. And she loves trees. And I’m going to get her one.

Aw! How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like reality.

Thank you.

All right, but where did we leave off?

* * *

Now that’s a Thneed. Nothing unmanly about knitting. No, sir. Look at that…

Oh! Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?

Shh!

Okay, nice and easy.

Nice work, you guys. Couldn’t have done it without you.

You got to be kidding me. Can he swim? Of course he can’t swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I’m coming to get you!

Hey, you fishies! Stop that bed!

Whoo! Whoo!

Jump, jump! Come on, get up there. Come on. Go, go! A little bit more! A little bit more!

Now what?

Mmm-mmm.

Get up there. Okay, Pipsqueak, give me your hand. Come on, reach out for the Lorax. Where did you go?

Bar-ba-loots.

Oh, that’s bad.

Hey, Beanpole, wake up!

What’s happening? Where am I?

Hey! We got trouble, and it’s coming up fast!

Whoo! We’re in a river!

Whew!

Oh, no.

Just do something!

Help is on the way!

No, no!

Just a minute!

Oh, no! Wake up! Wake up! Yuck!

Clear!

Ah!  I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back and here I am! You saved my life!

Yeah, I know. Well, no, it’s not that big a deal.

It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! Wait… On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?

Uh… About that… Actually… I put your bed in the water. I didn’t mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you’re chopping them down! So, we’ve got a big problem.

All right, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise.

Thank you. But I’m going to keep my eye on you.

Good. Now, I’ve got a big day tomorrow so I’m going to get some sleep. Right after I find my bed.

* * *

Ow!

Okay, what are you… Question, what are they doing here? And follow up, if I may, what are you doing here?

Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it.

But when we got here, you were asleep.

What?

Ew!

Exactly. And sleeping is the body’s way of telling other people to go away.

I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.

“No harm done”? “No harm done”? Okay.

Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway.

Ew. Did you just… In my bowl!

Why do you have one of these? You don’t even have a mustache.

Okay, that’s it!

What? I thought we made a deal last night.

Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn’t chop down any more trees.

And I said I was going to keep an eye on you.

I’m starving. What’s for breakfast? Breakfast is overrated.

You know what? I got work to do. Yeah. I got to go into town and sell my Thneed.

You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage? Look at that…

“Garbage”? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. It has a million uses! Look at this. It’s a swimsuit! Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! But wait, there’s more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! It also works as a hat. Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.

Go ahead, knock yourself out. But nobody is going to buy that thing.

Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.

You’re bringing a guitar?

Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I’m gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! Yeah.

♪ Everybody needs a Thneed ♪

♪ A fine thing that all people… ♪

Sit down, go on.

Unfortunately, I didn’t sell it the first day.

♪ The Thneed is good ♪

♪ The Thneed is great… ♪

Hey!

Or the second day.

Hey!

Or the third, or fourth, or fifth day.

Okay, that one hit the tender spot.

Until finally…

That’s it! You know what?

I’m done with this thing.

Aw.

My family was right. I quit!

Hey. Cool hat.

Oh, my gosh! I totally want one.

That thing makes me like you more.

Hey! Where’s your Thneed, did you sell it?

Hey. No, no. Didn’t sell it. Turns out, it’s ahead of its time, I guess.

Hey, you gave it your best shot. Right? What more can you do? Come on, take a seat, we’ll deal you in.

What are we playing?

I’m playing poker. He’s playing Go Fish. And I think he’s hungry.

Ohhh.

♪ Pancake, the pancake ♪

Up!

Who is up for ninths?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Whoa! All right, pass them over.

Yeah, see? What’s going on?

Oh, no. That’s a lot of people.

♪ Everybody needs a Thneed ♪

♪ A fine thing ♪ ♪ that all people need ♪ ♪ The Thneed is good ♪ ♪ The Thneed is great ♪ ♪ Let’s hope we’re not too late ♪

♪ It’s a super trendy hat ♪ ♪ It’s a tightrope for an acrobat ♪ ♪ A net for catching butterflies ♪ ♪ A thing we use for exercise ♪

♪ Everybody needs a Thneed ♪ ♪ A fine thing ♪ ♪ that all people need ♪ ♪ Everybody needs a Thneed ♪

Oh, yeah! We’re in business, baby!

♪ We need a Thneed ♪

Mom? Hey, it’s me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We’re going to be rich! What? I’m going to need all the help I can get. Don’t worry.

* * *

So, has he told you how to get a tree yet?

Actually, no. But I think he’s going to get to that part really soon.

Here we are.

What? I’ll just be a minute.

Oh, wow. Hey, Audrey!

Oh, hi, Ted! What’s up?

You know me, just cruising. Putting out the vibe. Just me and my thoughts.

Oh, is this the girl you’re always talking about?

Grandma! Stop making things up.

She’s even prettier than…

Okay, got to run! Bye.

Okay, Grammy, let’s get you home!

Yeah!

Whoa! I’m so sorry. So sorry. Did not wanna see that.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa-ho-ho!

Hey!

Hey, I’m back.

What have you got there? Yes!

Whoa!

Thank you, Ted. Now, picture this. Sun shining, a blue sky, a perfect day. It was all downhill from there.

Whoa!

What a dump.

Hey, Aunt Grizelda!

Hey, Chet, check this out! Go long!

No, Brett, that’s actually not a… Okay.

Go long! Go long!

I got it! I got it!

Got it!

He totally ran into that tree!

Ow!

Oncie, is that you?

Mom!

There he is! There’s my big, suddenly successful son! We always knew you would make it, Oncie. Right?

Hey! I love this guy!

But you always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, remember? Hush your mouth. I was just trying to motivate you!

I am really glad that you clarified that because it actually hurt my feelings for a really long time. Anyway, you’re all here, you all work for me, and that’s cool. So, let’s get to work.

Brett, Chet, set up the RV! Would you stop throwing that bear?

Time out. Back up. Stop. Don’t move an inch. Nobody’s moving in here. You got to go. Goodbye.

So, who invited the giant, furry peanut?

You calling me a peanut, huh? I’ll go right up your nose!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You wouldn’t hit a woman.

That’s a woman?

Okay. Everyone, cool it. Let’s not get off on the wrong foot here. Um, family, this is my friend…

Acquaintance.

Yeah, acquaintance. Very good acquaintance, the Lorax. He speaks for the trees.

That’s right. And on behalf of the trees, get out!

Will you just be nice! This is my family. And I’m going to need their help if my company is going to get bigger. Okay?

Bigger?

Yeah, this isn’t some rinky-dink operation anymore. I got plans. Big plans! A vision of a world filled with Thneeds. It’s going to be huge!

Which way does a tree fall?

Uh, down?

A tree falls the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

* * *

I mean, look at this. It’s amazing. I am so proud of me.

Oncie, we’ve got us a little problem.

Problem?

Mmm-hmm. See, we’re not making Thneeds fast enough.

Harvesting the tufts takes too long!

Well, what else can we do?

Well, and this just came to me, we could always start chopping down the trees.

What?

Now you’re thinking. That would speed things up!

But…

No “but” s, Oncie. You’re running a business now. You have to do what’s best for the company, and your momma.

Well, I guess it couldn’t hurt to chop down a few trees.

You’ve made me so proud, Oncie. Come here!

Hey! I love this guy!

No! No, no, no! Stop it! Please, stop.

Take that, you stupid tree!

Where do you think you’re going?

Excuse me, sir. I need to talk with your boss.

Oh, I’m sorry, but Mr. Once-ler’s not seeing anyone right now.

Yeah, well, he’ll see me. So… Hey, keep your paws off me!

Give me a reason, Shorty.

Hey, you broke your promise. You’re better than this. You gotta stop! This is bad!

Have a nice day!

Bad? I’m not bad, I’m the good guy here. He just doesn’t get it. Do you think I’m bad? Thank you! I mean, something good finally happens to me, and he just has to come along and rain on my parade. What’s his problem? See? Yeah, bad! Right.

♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just doin’ ♪ ♪ what comes naturally ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just following my destiny ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just doin’ ♪ ♪ what comes naturally ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ How bad can I possibly be? ♪

♪ Well, there’s ♪ ♪ a principle in nature ♪ ♪ Principle in nature ♪ ♪ That almost ♪ ♪ every creature knows ♪ ♪ Called survival of the fittest ♪ ♪ Survival of the fittest ♪ ♪ And check it, ♪ ♪ this is how it goes ♪ ♪ The animal that wins ♪ ♪ gotta scratch and fight ♪ ♪ And claw and bite and punch ♪ ♪ And the animal that doesn’t ♪ ♪ Well, the animal that doesn’t ♪ ♪ Winds up someone else’s ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la lunch ♪ ♪ Munch, munch, munch, munch, ♪ ♪ munch I’m just sayin’ ♪

♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just doin’ ♪ ♪ what comes naturally ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just following my destiny ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just doin’ ♪ ♪ what comes naturally ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ How bad can I possibly be? ♪

♪ There’s a principle in business ♪ ♪ Principle in business ♪ ♪ That everybody knows is sound ♪ ♪ It says the people with the ♪ ♪ money People with the money ♪ ♪ Make this ♪ ♪ ever-loving world go round ♪ ♪ So I’m biggering my company ♪ ♪ I’m biggering my factory ♪ ♪ I’m biggering my corporate sign ♪ ♪ Bigger, bigger! ♪ ♪ Everybody out there ♪ ♪ You take care of yours ♪ ♪ I’ll take care of ♪ ♪ mine-mine-mine-mine-mine ♪ ♪ Shake that bottom line ♪ ♪ Let me hear you ♪ ♪ say Smogulous Smoke! ♪ ♪ Smogulous Smoke! ♪ ♪ Schloppity-Schlopp! ♪ ♪ Complain all you want It’s never, ♪ ♪ ever, ever, ever gonna stop ♪ ♪ Stop! ♪

♪ Come on, ♪ ♪ how bad can I possibly be? ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ I’m just building the economy ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ Just look at me ♪ ♪ petting this puppy ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ A portion of proceeds ♪ ♪ goes to charity ♪ ♪ How bad can I be? ♪ ♪ How bad could I possibly be? ♪ ♪ Let’s see! ♪ ♪ All the customers are buying ♪ ♪ And the money’s multiplying ♪ ♪ And the PR people are lying ♪ ♪ And the lawyers are denying ♪ ♪ Who cares if ♪ ♪ a few trees are dying? ♪ ♪ This is all so gratifying! ♪ ♪ How bad? ♪ ♪ How bad can this possibly be? ♪

So, how are things?

What are you doing here?

Happy yet? You fill that hole deep down inside you? Or do you still need more?

Look, if you’ve got a problem with what I’m doing, why haven’t you used your quote-unquote powers to stop me?

I told you, that’s not how it works.

Right, I forgot. You’re a fraud. I need you to get out. Now!

Why? Do I make you uncomfortable? Remind you of the promises you made? The man you used to be?

You know what? You can just shut your mustache. My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal. I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees into Thneeds. And nothing is going to stop me!

Well, that’s it. The very last one. That may stop you.

Somebody sure made a bundle on that thing. I wonder what the next million dollar invention’s going to be.

Yeah, I wonder…

Son, you have let me down. Brett, you are now my favorite child.

Hey, look, I don’t want any trouble.

And you won’t get any. Not from them. Thanks to you and your hacking, and smogging and glupping, they can’t live here anymore. So, I’m sending them off. Hopefully, they’ll be able to find a better place out there somewhere.

Melvin? Melvin… Hey, Pipsqueak… Hey…

So, this is really all your fault. You destroyed everything.

Yes. And each day since the Lorax left, I’ve sat here regretting everything I’ve done, staring at that word, “unless,” and wondering what it meant. But now I’m thinking… Well, maybe you’re the reason the Lorax left that word there.

Me? Why would he leave that for me?

Because unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.

The last Truffula seed. You need to plant it, Ted.

Yeah, but, nobody cares about trees anymore.

Then make them care. Plant the seed in the middle of town, where everyone can see. Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it’s not about what it is, it’s about what it can become. That’s not just a seed, any more than you’re just a boy.

I won’t let you down.

I know.

* * *

Hey, Audrey! Audrey!

Ted?

What are you doing?

Meet me at my house.

Wait, but…

My house, okay?

Got to plant the seed. Okay, we’re going to need water. And uh, something to dig with.

Um, what do I have… Ted?

Mom, I’m busy, Mom.

Theodore Wiggins, get down here right now, and I am not kidding with you!

Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O’Hare, the most powerful man in town.

There he is! Hello, Ted.

Uh…

Hi. Isn’t he clever, Mr. O’Hare? He knows his own name and everything.

You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I’ll stay here and talk.

Sure, why don’t you go ahead and adopt him? I’m just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I’ll get your cookie.

I know you have it, Ted. So, let’s put an end to this nonsense, shall we? Hand it over.

I’m sorry… I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Really? Well, then… I guess you wouldn’t mind us checking your room.

No, no, no!

Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!

No, you can’t go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can’t come in my room!

Find it! Find it!

What is going on here?

This doesn’t involve you! Get back downstairs!

Excuse me, down there! I don’t care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.

Fine. Sorry. Must have been a misunderstanding. We’ll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe.

Mind telling me what’s going on here?

The seed! Where is it?

Seed?

Where’s Grammy?

It’s alive! I remember you.

Ted, what…

Audrey!

Hey, did you want to… Well, okay!

Ted, what is this about?

It’s about this.

Wait, wait, wait.

Is that… Yes. The last Truffula seed. And you’re going to help me plant it right in the middle of town where everyone can see it.

I could just kiss you right now!

We don’t have time for that.

I don’t know, we have a little time. But, you know what, let’s just go. Let’s go. Forget about it.

Maniac! Hey!

Ah! Here it comes! I’m going for it.

Oh, hello!

Ted, big scary blimp coming.

Whoa!

You won’t get away with this, boy!

Bam!

Go faster, you idiot!

Yeah!

Step on it, Ted!

Whoa!

You’re fired!

Whoa! Ted, look out!

Nobody beats Aloysius O…

Ted…

This is not good. How’s it doing?

Whoa-ho-ho!

Loser!

Oh, really?

Oh, no. The seed!

Get that seed!

Hang on! Here we go!

Grammy!

Seriously, how cool is your grandma?

No!

Come on!

Yeah, that’s right.

There it is!

Hey! Watch the road, you meathead!

Ah!

Hey, ow, ow! Oh, come on!

What the… Get it unstuck, get it unstuck!

Bring it on, Teddy! You don’t have the guts!

Ted!

Grammy!

Whoo-hoo! Yes!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! It’s Mr. O…

Take that, shorty!

Okay, we have to get this in the ground.

But where? There’s no dirt anywhere.

No, Grammy…

Hey, get out of there!

Ah!

Hey!

What?

See, what did I tell you? Easy. Huh?

Hey, they broke O’Hare’s head!

What do you think you’re doing, kid?

Um, I’m looking for a place to plant a tree.

A real one.

Why would we need a tree?

Exactly.

Oh, man.

Folks… The last thing you want around here is trees. They’re filthy! Spewing that sticky, nasty sap all over the place. They bring poisonous ants and stinging bees.

Hey!

Ouch. Think about the kids. And, I just thought, you know, they make leaves! You know that, right? Then these leaves, they just fall. They just fall wherever they want!

Come on! We know why you’re really against trees. Because they produce fresh air.

For free!

Oh! I am wounded! You have lied!

It is not a lie! It’s called photosynthesis.

Come on. She’s making that up! That’s a made-up word, people! Thneedville is perfect just the way it is. We don’t need trees! That boy has a seed. We need to stop him! Who’s with me? Come on!

O’Hare is right!

Seeds will ruin us all!

Stop it!

Last chance, kid. Hand it over! Where do you think you’re going?

Come on, let’s go!

Get in, get in!

Hey! Stop that maniac!

Excuse me, excuse me. Watch out!

Ted, you’re going to hit the wall!

Yeah. I know.

Wow. Did you see that? Who does this kid think he is, huh?

I am Ted Wiggins. And I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren’t perfect here in Thneedville. And they’re only going to get worse, unless we do something about it, unless we change our ways. And we can start by planting this!

Okay. Come on, now. Everything is fine. Right? I say we tell this kid what we think about that seed! People, come on!

You! Get out there right now and get these people on my side, or else you’re fired! Go on, tell them what you think.

♪ You don’t know me, ♪ ♪ but my name’s Cy ♪ ♪ I’m just ♪ ♪ the O’Hare delivery guy ♪ ♪ But it seems like ♪ ♪ trees might be worth a try ♪ ♪ So I say let it grow ♪

♪ My name is Dan ♪ ♪ And my name’s Rose ♪ ♪ Our son Wesley kind of glows ♪ ♪ And that’s not good, ♪ ♪ so we suppose ♪ ♪ We should let it grow ♪

♪ Let it grow, let it grow ♪ ♪ You can’t reap ♪ ♪ what you don’t sow ♪ ♪ Plant a seed inside the Earth ♪ ♪ Just one way to know its worth ♪ ♪ Let’s celebrate ♪ ♪ the world’s rebirth ♪ ♪ We say let it grow ♪

♪ My name’s Marie, ♪ ♪ and I am three! ♪ ♪ I would really ♪ ♪ like to see a tree ♪ ♪ I say let it grow ♪

♪ I’m Grammy Norma I’m old, ♪ ♪ and I’ve got gray hair ♪ ♪ But I remember when ♪ ♪ trees were everywhere ♪ ♪ And no one had to pay for air ♪ ♪ So I say let it grow ♪

♪ Let it grow, let it grow ♪ ♪ Like it did so long ago ♪ ♪ It is just one tiny seed ♪ ♪ But it’s all we really need ♪ ♪ It’s time to change ♪ ♪ the life we lead ♪ ♪ Time to let it grow ♪

♪ My name’s O’Hare, ♪ ♪ I’m one of you ♪ ♪ I live here in Thneedville, too ♪ ♪ The things you say ♪ ♪ just might be true ♪ ♪ It could be time to start anew ♪ ♪ And maybe change ♪ ♪ my point of view ♪

Nah! I say let it die!

♪ Let it die, let it die ♪ ♪ Let it shrivel up and… ♪

Come on, who’s with me?

Nobody.

♪ You greedy dirt-bag-‘ ♪

♪ Let it grow, let it grow ♪ ♪ Let the love inside you show ♪ ♪ Plant a seed inside the Earth ♪ ♪ Just one way to know its worth ♪ ♪ Let’s celebrate ♪ ♪ the world’s rebirth ♪ ♪ We say let it grow ♪

♪ Let it grow, let it grow ♪ ♪ You can’t reap ♪ ♪ what you don’t sow ♪ ♪ It’s just one tiny seed ♪ ♪ But it’s all we really need ♪ ♪ It’s time to ♪ ♪ banish all your greed ♪ ♪ Imagine Thneedville ♪ ♪ flowered and treed ♪ ♪ Let this be our solemn creed ♪

Thank you, Ted.

♪ We say let it grow ♪ ♪ In Thneedville ♪ ♪ We say let it grow ♪ ♪ It’s a brand new dawn ♪ ♪ We say let it grow ♪ ♪ In Thneedville ♪ ♪ We say let it grow ♪ ♪ It’s a brand new dawn ♪

You done good, Beanpole. You done good.

By the way, nice mustache.

UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.

—Dr. Seuss

THE END

[tilbageidanmark]

Movies I watched this week - 39

I spent over 50 (!) hours on the sofa this week, (enjoying myself 85% of the time)...

Sløborn, an ominous Danish-German TV pandemic series, very much like Soderbergh’s ‘Contagion’ and in ‘Black Mirror’ style. Normal life of a small island community between Denmark and Germany breaks down and completely collapses when it is hit by a lethal bird flue like virus.

It was extremely prescient, as it was shot in 2019, before Covid! Conceived as Si-fi, it looks today like TV, because the series was able to capture everything that happened around the world after January 2020 in accurate details.

With Roland Møller (of ‘Riders of Justice’). 7+/10

✴️      

My introduction to “The grandmother of The French New Wave”, Agnès Varda (Hard to believe that I never saw her films before!):

✳️✳️✳️ “Inspiration, Creation and Sharing...” Varda by Agnès, my first Varda is her last 2019 auto-biography, in which, at 90, she shared footage and stories from her life and work. The first sample clip (of meeting her Uncle Yanco in Sausalito) won me over, and the rest convinced me to catch up on everything I’ve missed through the years. What a wonderful artist!

✳️✳️✳️ Cléo from 5 to 7. A feminine film about female identity - a new favorite! A beautiful singer must wait 2 hours for the results of her cancer tests. With a magnifique mid-film scene (at 0;38) of the heartbreaking chanson 'Sans Toi', marking the beginning of her quiet transformation.

✳️✳️✳️ Vagabond, a story of a lonely, young woman, an unapologetic drifter, unglamorous, aimless, independent, desperately lost. Dark and nonjudgmental exploration of the refusal to conform to anything. 8+/10.

✳️✳️✳️ (For Sammy - Per our conversation). The Gleaners and I, "The eighth best documentary film of all time”, per ‘Sight & Sound poll. Derived from the famous painting by Millet. Simply wonderful!

✳️✳️✳️ One Hundred And One Nights, 100 year old Michel Piccoli “Monsieur Simon Cinema”, hires a young girl to reminisce with about the history of cinema. An unsuccessful Meta-film that nevertheless is a love letter for cinephiles. Populated by 3 dozens of Who’s Who of French (and World) stars, playacting in this symbolic, Fellinisque fable that draws upon the classics. Mastroianni, Depardieu, Belmondo, Alain Delon, Catherine Deneuve, Jeanne Moreau, Anouk Aimée, Fanny Ardant, Gina Lollobrigida, Jane Birkin, etc, etc..

(Photo Above).

✳️✳️✳️ The Young Girls of Rochefort, the wonderful, colorful, sentimental musical by Varda’s husband Jacques Demy, with the most beautiful woman in the world and her sister. Romantic eye candy set to music by Michel Legrand. A year later Deneuve would do Belle de Jour, and Françoise Dorléac would die in a car accident, 8+/10

✳️✳️✳️ Even better, The Young Girls Turn 25, Varda’s 1993 behind the scenes documentary and return to small town Rocheford, to show how it changed the town and left an impression. 9/10

“...The memory of happiness is perhaps also happiness...”

✴️         

The other Jacques Demy modern opera The Umbrellas of Cherbourg knocked me over all over again. Catherine Deneuve’s angelic beauty in this film made me cry for the duration like a baby. And not only at the train station when they say goodbye forever.

10/10

✴️          

Night moves, a tense thriller by Kelly Reichardt, about three radical environmentalists who blow up an Oregon dam. Slow and tense, and like her ‘First Cow’, watching it filled me with constant, low-level anxiety. The off-screen sabotage is placed at the exact mid-point of the movie: The first half is the preparation for it, and the second half shows the aftermath of the act. 7+/10

✴️        

2 unexpected Small Town gems by Miguel Arteta:

✳️✳️✳️ The good Girl, an odd and surprising mismatched romance between 30 year old Jennifer Aniston and Jake Gyllenhaal (22) as employees of a Texas big-box store that is always empty. Her voice-over reminded me of True Romance’s Alabama Whitman. 7/10

✳️✳️✳️ Ed Helms, a sheltered insurance salesman from the backwaters of Wisconsin, goes to an convention in the big city of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. The nearly conventional story arc has some genuinely heartfelt funny moments. With Maeby Fünke, as Bree the prostitute and Sigourney Weaver as the ex-teacher he balls. Also a surprising drug party, where he smoke crack cocaine and loves it. 5+/10

✴️          

Same theme of people prostituting their own ‘morals’, the notoriously-prudish 1993 Indecent Proposal didn’t age too well. “Billionaire”-porn that asks the question ‘How much would you pay for one night with Robert Redford?’ Gratuitous semi-naked Demi Moore included.

Related: “Stop hitting the button!”

✴️        

Wildland (Kød & blod = Flesh and blood), an uncomfortable and claustrophobic Danish gangster thriller about a 17 year old girl who moves in with the criminal family of Sidse Babett Knudsen, her estranged aunt. 6+/10

“For some people, things go wrong before they even begin”

✴️     

Jim Jarmusch‘s Broken Flowers, a touching road film with Bill Murray, as an old ‘Don Juan’ who receive a pink, unsigned letter from an old lover, letting him know that he has a 20 year old son he never knew about.

Loveliest film of the week.

✴️       

The 2 films directed by Tom Ford:

✳️✳️✳️ A single Man, a sad and lonely gay professor, closeted in 1962 Los Angeles, is preparing to kill himself with a gun, after his boyfriend / love of his life had died in a car accident. Mute and haunting aesthetics in the fashion designer’s debut film, based on a Christopher Isherwood novel.

The ‘Stormy Weather’ dance scene between Charley and George. 8/10

✳️✳️✳️ Nocturnal Animals: Amy Adams is an unhappy owner of a fancy art gallery who receives a disturbing book manuscript written by her ex-husband, which symbolizes their relationship 20 years prior. Rarefied visuals and distinctive style.

Starts with an astonishing scene of obese old ladies dancing naked at Amy’s gala event. Michael Shannon rules as a dying Texas detective! 6+/10.

✴️        

Jean Vigo’s 1933 classic Zero for Conduct was so blatantly anarchistic, it was immediately banned in France until after WW2. In silent film style, it tells about a group of mischievous kids who rebel against the authorities of their old-fashioned boarding school. Part-inspiration for Truffaut's 400 Blows.

✴️      

Anatomy of a murder, Otto Preminger’s 1960 courtroom drama, with opening credits by Saul Bass. Crisp black & white cinematography, and with rape victim Lee Remick playing it as an outgoing loose girl of ambiguous morals, a modern floozy. 7/10.

✴️                

Blush, a wondrous, spectacularly-animated, wordless short by Joe Mateo. What starts as a riff on ‘The Little Prince’, ends up like the opening montage from ‘Up’. The obvious realization that this is a personal metaphor makes the story even deeper.

I watched it twice back to back. 10/10

✴️       

If You're Not in the Obit, Eat Breakfast - 95 year old Carl Reiner asks a bunch of charming nonagenarian friends how they manage to live so well for so long. Their answers may (not) shock you...

Spry Dick Van Dyke (92) and half-his-age wife end the film with a lovely rendition of “Young at heart”

✴️            

Hi-school-level adaptation of Thomas Piketty's book Capital in the 21st Century. A breezy discussion of how slave economy and colonialist military repression 300 years ago turn into extreme capitalism of inequality & tax-avoidance today. America is now similar economically to what England was in the early 1800s. A tiny percentage of society controls almost all its wealth. (Full text of the book here).

✴️            

Ride the eagle, a flat new indie about a guy whose estranged hippy mother leaves him her cabin at the lake when she dies, but only if he complete a certain list of tasks. Could be so much better, but the actor playing the guy was just so terrible. Unlike JK Simmons who had a small role. Best detail, when he discovers that all the cabinets in the house are full with pot.

✴️       

Old, my first, (and possibly last), M. Night Shyamalan. The seductive premise of a secluded beach at a fancy tropical resort that ages everybody who comes there, turns into an unconvincing Twilight Zone bore.

...”(Gurgling sounds)”...

✴️      

First watch: I never saw (any) Planet of the apes before, and in spite of my misgivings, gave it a go. 100% anthropomorphic, it couldn’t visualize a universe different from the American mindset of that period. Preachy and very Rod Sterling-like. "It's a madhouse in here”. Pass!

✴️         

The latest Veritasium YouTube video about bowling current technology. Always interesting.

- - - - -

Throw-back to the art project:

Planet of the Apes Adora. 

- - - - -

(My complete movie list is here)