#do you think that a smart and rational person would choose that?

[awaiting-my-escape]

Oh just in case I'm being scrutinized by someone who really could be doing a million other things that would be actually responsible instead of neurotic, obsessive, and narcissistic, the incorrect label you were looking for was "pretentious", but that's more of that whole projection thing that's textbook for narcissists and is not an accurate label.

Like for real I'm just trying to live my life and grow as a person so when I said I wasn't going to play narcissist's games with people who would rather waste time clowning around trying to "win" rather than also being mature and responsible and growing as people, I meant it. I don't need to dig for receipts, I never had any desire to use them, but even if I did they've not been made hard to access. I do not want to be involved in nonsense and if this were truly a game that I was forced into, I would quit.

If I am forced to continue playing a game which should have never been started, I will release what I have and the outcome will be brutal. Quit while you're ahead. I know it's virtually impossible for me to win a narcissist's game, but I absolutely know how to make everyone lose. Do not force my hand.

[walpu]

walp

hear me out on this

Aventurine's bodyguard (reader), but they are used as leverage against Aven during the 2.1 Trailblaze Quest, if Aven tries to leave the Dreamscape or reveals anything of Sunday's scheme, Sunday murders Reader and makes it seem like a freak accident 😀😀

Sunday when I catch you Sunday

I liked this request the moment I saw it so I rushed to do it as soon as I got enough time to work on it 😭

you being used against Aventurine as his weak spot during the 2.1 trailblaze quest

notes - gn!reader, 2.1 spoilers, angst but nothing bad happens to you, hopeful at the end, sunday is most likely ooc since it's written before 2.2, no beta

Sunday doesn't make a direct threat. It's a very subtle hint, a small warning. Yet it's obvious enough for Aventurine to understand the meaning behind Sunday's words immediately. How can he not when it concerns you?

There's a visible anger on his face when he glares at Sunday.

"You wouldn't dare, you wing-headed bastard. Do you think the IPC is stupid enough to believe that the death of my personal bodyguard tgat accompany me everywhere is a coincidence? Do you think I'll let it slide?!"

Oh, he's seething. Such raw emotions, such obvious worry, such obvious fear. Sunday knew he would get him good but that? Truly intriguing.

But how can he not feel that way? How can he play it cool, cover his fear and shield himself with short on-line answers?

This time he can't hide how much his hands are shaking.

Sunday is quick to remind Aventurine that in his current pitiful state, 17 hours to live and all, he hardly can do anything.

He also graciously reminds Aven that nothing will happen to you as long as he does his part.

Aventurine is such a mess after that conversation. Ratio tries to calm him down a bit by rationalizing the situation. Surely Sunday is bluffing. The Family, no matter how questionable they seem, are not murderers. Plus, surely Aventurine knows his own bodyguard well enough to know that you're not easy to kill. Many has tried and yet here you are, still alive and well.

But how can Aventurine just brush it off when it's you who may be in danger?

That what he was afraid of the whole time. That he'll lose you like he has lost everyone else. That your blood will be on his hands.

He asks Ratio to look after you and to escort you to safety if something happens. The promise doesn't calm him down but Ratio is a reliable and smart person. So he chooses to trust him, no matter how hard it is. After all, Aven doesn't have much choice.

When the two of you reunite, you can immediately see that he's shaken. He tries to hide his pitiful state from you, not wanting you to know that his time is running out. He wants to warn you instead, to tell you that you may be in danger. But he knows you won't take it seriously and instead would insist on taking care of him and protecting him.

He comes up with some lies (aeons, he hates lying to you of all people) and asks you to start your own investigation. To go back to the real world and to team up with Topaz and Jade.

It takes some time to convince you but eventually you reluctantly agree. He sees how much you hate leaving him like this and it's both heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time.

Aven is an even bigger mess now than he was in the game. He tries to tell himself that you're okay, that Ratio will accompany you to the real world and Topaz will look after you once you're there.

But how can he be sure? How? His "future" self asks him this mockingly, pointing out that you're smart, that you'll immediately understand that he has deliberately sent you away to keep you from something.

No matter how msny times he tells this "future self" to shut up, he knows he's right. So he can only pray that he'll be able to deal with the Family before you get yourself in danger.

Image you showing up during the final act just to see him threatening to detonate the Stellaron. Him trying to continue the "show" despite the ache in his heart. You, knowing he's bluffing but being unable to stop this insanity.

After the events of 2.1, he seeks you out as soon as he returns to the real world. He needs to know that you're alive, that you're safe. Even if you're angry with him now, even if you may not forgive him (of course you will he's just insecure like that), he needs to know you're fine.

So imagine his relief when you (safe, unarmed, alive) embrace him and hold him tightly, so overwhelmingly happy he's back.

image his reaction to finding out that you're alive and well and sunday has presumably kicked the bucket 💀

[tarotwithavi]

How do people see you/your energy? Pt2

Read pt 1 here

How to choose a pile?

Close your eyes and take a deep breath and ask the angels to show you the right pile for you and open your eyes. The first pile that catches your attention is the right pile for you.

MASTERLIST

PAID SERVICES

Pile 4

Hello! Pile 4 and welcome to your reading. People view you as someone they have known in the past. What I mean by that statement is you may remind people of people from their past, maybe a friend, lover or a family member. I am also getting the message that you give people a sense of nostalgia. You remind them of their childhood or their past like people may view themselves in you or the people they are close with in you. You may also resonate with pile 2 or 3. Another message I'm getting he said you are like a wake up call to others. When people meet you for the first time they just seem to have a new perception of reality and a new perception of the world around them. It's like meeting you is almost like a spiritual awakening to others in a sense that when people meet you they understand how wrong they have been about the world, about others and about themselves. People see you as someone who can make them understand themselves better, sometimes people may want to be in your presence just because they can learn something new from you. Another message I'm getting is that people get really creative ideas in your presence. It's either that you inspire them to follow their heart and their passion or they get inspired by you by your existence by the way you handle your situations. People view you as someone who is really smart, someone who knows all of things. They see you assemble who has a lot of experiences. I am also getting that they may view your energy as ancient; they may feel that you are an old soul. People view you as someone who is really pure. They view you as someone who has a great judge of character. You can just look at someone or talk to someone for the first time and you will know exactly what kind of person they are. People view you as someone who has left a lot of relationships or they see you as someone who will not think twice before cutting you off. People see you as someone who values actions more than words. You are the “show your love with your actions not your words” kind of person and people respect that because let's be honest, you can't just trust words in this generation. Sometimes you may remind others of rabbits. You may have Bunny teeth or bambi eyes. Some of you may have ketu in the 1st house/Rahu in the 7th house.

Pile 5

Welcome to your reading pile 5! I see that you are someone who has a lot of responsibilities or a lot of things going on in their life and others can feel that you are going through a lot. When you are stressed out even if you don't say anything others can just feel that. People view you as somebody who is really logical and rational. People may find your energy a bit reserved and held back because I see that you do not communicate with people easily. You have your walls around you, you always have your guard up while talking to others so people can feel that there is a boundary between you and them and that they shouldn't cross this boundary. I also see that people may find your energy a bit Apathetic aur they feel as if you are emotionless. However on the other side people see you as someone who likes learning, someone who is always learning something new, somebody who has their nose buried in their books. Sometimes they see you as someone who would rather be surrounded by books than people. People see you as someone who has a really balanced life. They see you as someone who has great managerial skills. People see you as someone who is not afraid to stand up for themselves and what they believe in. And this is funny but I am getting the message that people don't want to get in an argument with you because they know that they won't win against you. You give logical answers. Sometimes people feel as if they cannot share their problems with you because you won't give them emotional stability, you won't understand their emotions, rather you would give them logical solutions to their problems and they don't want that, they want empathy. People see you as walking Karma and they feel as if they cannot lie to you, they cannot betray you because a day will get instant results. I also see that people find your energy enchanting but scary at the same time. You give off femme fatale vibes doesn't matter if you're a male, female or non binary. You may have air placements especially Libra and Gemini in your big 3. You can be an angel or the Devil depending on that situation lol. People feel as if you have dual sides to you. Sometimes people may feel as if you are being fake or that you are not showing the true you. But that's just for some.

Pile 6

Hello pile 6! And welcome to your reading. So the very first message I'm getting is that people see you as somebody who talks a lot now. Maybe in a sense that you are really passionate about the things in life and you always have something to say about something. You may read a lot of articles, newspapers. You always have information about what is going on around the world. Another message I'm getting is that you come off as someone who has been through a lot of betrayals and a lot of heartbreaks. Your energy comes off as wounded. I think you may need to work on yourself specially you need to work on your abandonment issue. People see you as someone who is also really creative, someone who can turn challenging situations into happy situations. You are also really emotionally mature and you know how to handle different situations. You know exactly what to say and how to say it to make people understand your point. Another message on getting is that people see you as someone who has multiple sources of income, or somebody who can earn money through a lot of different sources. I see the people see you are someone who has an entrepreneur persona. I see that you may be going through some sort of rebirth right now. That no matter how difficult your situation may be you always come back as a phoenix. You are someone who is always looking at the brighter side of Life and people really admire this side of you. People really admire how you can be positive after all that you have been through. People see you as someone who is really strong both mentally and physically because it takes a lot of courage to remain kind, cheerful and positive in life. But sometimes people may see you as someone who looks at the world through rose tinted glasses. You may have mercury in the 10th house or 1st house or in Capricorn. People also see you as someone who is really sharp, someone who can look through your lies. You may remind people of an eagle or you may wear prescribed glasses. You are like a Lotus, if you know Lotus it is a really beautiful flower that blooms in mud. No matter how bad your surroundings may be, how bad your past may be, you'll always bloom like a beautiful flower. Brown may be significant for you.

[crystallilytarot]

Choose an animal. Positive and negative traits of your future partner

1-parrot

If you believe in soulmates, they will be your soulmate definitely! You are meant for each other. Your relationship will be balanced and harmonious. They are someone who is strong, probably physically and mentally too. A leader type. Confident, brave, energetic, probably an extrovert. They will be sexy for sure. Chemistry is perfect between you two. They can be a foreigner, or you will travel a lot together.

They are someone who is very responsible, but sometimes they would carry a lot of burdens or they can have a stressful job. They don't really like change or sometimes it's hard for them to adapt big changes. I think it's about traumatic events, like someone pass away, so it's not like they aren't able to change, don't worry. They can be sometimes goofy or even childish, it's not neccesseraly a bad things, you can have fun together. Sometimes they can be a little sensitive, not too sensitive, but I think people don't think they are like this, because they look happy and maybe even a bit firm. They are the life of the party, so if you are more like an introvert, maybe this will be sometimes too much for you.

2-red panda

Oh, very sexy, sensual. I think they have a lot of admires, but I think they are somewhat picky. So don't worry, they aren't unfaithful. They are creative, can be intuitive too. If religion is important for you, they can be religious too. They are good at managing stress, they aren't someone who stuck in the past. If they had some bad experiences, they healed or at least worked a lot of it. Emotionally available, they are in peace with themselves. They are confident, probably rich or financially stable. They like the good things in life, luxurious things, their home is probably beautiful too.

But yeah, sometimes they can spend a little too much, maybe a little reckless. I think they can be spontaneous, it's not neccesseraly a bad things though. Sometimes a little too romantic maybe, like they like to daydream a lot. I think it will be a change in their carrier, because at some point they can be a little burned out. Or it can be that they have a lot of injuries, because they are sometimes reckless, maybe even like extreme sports.

3-giraffe

They are very lucky. They can had some bad experiences or difficulties in their past, but they can get through anything luckily. They can be your soulmate definitely. A balanced, calm, wise person. I think there will be a rather big change in their life before you meet each other. They are probably an introvert, but their presence is like larger than life. If they enter a room, people will notice them. They radiate respect and calmness too. They are honest, you don't have to overthink what they want, they will say it, if they love someone, they will act like it, no need to question their feelings.

Yeah, they don't seems like a very emotional person, but emotions are there too, don't worry. I think they will be more emotional and romantic if you two are alone. They are smart, rational, maybe sometimes a little too logical. So if you are an empath, they are not like you, but I don't think it's bad, you can manage this. But sometimes you need to see things in the other person's perspective too. They are probably older than you or more mature than their age. I hear that they needed to be like this in their childhood too. At some point they can travel a lot because of work, or you two will relocate and at first it can be a little difficult. They like to plan things first, not a spontaneous person, they like to properly research things before they act. Well, they are not someone who likes to work in groups, they are a boss or someone in a higher position or they work alone. But I feel that you two will match each other. If you are okay to have different roles, like someone like to cook, the other person do the dishes, or something like that. A dominant person for sure, if you like this in bed, than they will be dominant sexually too.

[astrojulia]

PAC - Qualities and Traits in your Future Spouse

~ 5 things you like about them vs 5 things they like about you (lightly +18)

PILE 1 - PILE 2 - PILE 3

PILE A - PILE B - PILE C

Navigation:   ੈ♡˳Masterlist    

       ੈ♡˳Askbox    ੈ♡˳Sources

DISCLAIMER. These general free readings are made in good faith for entertainment purposes. I tried my best to leave it gender neutral, but one word or another might have escaped (Portuguese is a language where all words have gender).

How to pick a pile

When you have different cards to choose from in pile 1,2,3… look at each of those cards. Wait until someone reminds you of a memory. Perhaps a character’s outfit resembles one of your own. It is this pile that has its message. What if they all remind me of something? Go for the one with the strongest memory, one might look like her earring but another might be the favorite candy you got from your grandma when you vacationed at her house. But what if none reminds me of something? Take a deep breath and wait a little longer, without charging yourself or creating worries. Relax, some will awaken some memory in you, I promise! .

Pile 1

You love their voice and the way they talk, and it's not something that only you appreciate. But even so, you see your future spouse's voice as a melody, comforting and even exciting. I also don't just see the question of the voice itself, but the way they speak, with rhythm, without any problems pronouncing the words or doubt in their voice.

You appreciate their skills and how they handle situations smoothly. I also see different paths here, how this person manages to take care of themselves alone, clean the house, cook the food. They are truly independent. (The other way is that you appreciate their dick, it makes you feel like never before).

You like how they communicate in general. They are smart and authentic but know how to blend in with the crowd. They know how to listen to others to better adapt to the situation. They are the type of person who will communicate differently with each individual, not out of falsehood but because they understand that each person has different needs. They will convey the same information differently to a doctor and to a child, adapting their words accordingly.

You love their overall intelligence; it seems like they always know what they should do, the next step. They are someone who wants to help others with their intelligence and is always seeking self-improvement. They are also curious and always bring new information into the relationship.

You appreciate how they manage to be rational in practically every situation. They always think before acting, analyze situations before they happen. They strive to be prepared for everything and seek security in every step of life.

Astrological Placements your Future Spouse may have:

Mercury Dominant; Venus in Taurus or Libra in the 2nd house; Mercury in the 3rd house; air dominant; Mercury in Libra, Gemini, or Aquarius; a touch of Cancer, Pisces, or Scorpio in the birth chart (perhaps only one placement).

Pile 2

You like how your future spouse (FS) is an active person, always on the move, looking to improve their career, personal life, and also taking care of their body. They can be a tall, slender individual with distinct features. They are also someone with a sense of style and who values their behavior in the world, which is why they prioritize exercise and physical activity. They are the type of person who likes to wear accessories such as gloves, bracelets, and earrings.

You appreciate that they are a person you can look up to, someone you feel proud of and see as a reference for "what would FS do in my place." You like how they are patient with others, a bit playful, but also know when to stop. It seems like they have the wisdom to bring joy to tense moments and their ability to handle all situations is what attracts you.

You admire their resilience and determination. Nothing can stop them, not even the challenges of life. They carry themselves with pride and are unafraid to express their opinions and how the world perceives them, because they know they will make things work out one way or another.

You appreciate how they can handle everything on their own, sometimes behind the scenes. If we take an intimate perspective, you both know how to handle things discreetly. But even though they are confident and unafraid to be themselves, your FS is wise and understands that you can't always confront everything head-on. Sometimes you have to navigate through the edges and take longer paths to achieve your goals. They prefer to accomplish things discreetly.

You like that your FS is often right (though it can be challenging during discussions), which is beneficial for decision-making in your lives. Even if they are not a spiritually inclined person, they have a connection with something non-physical in this world that guides their decision-making. So, even if a decision may not feel right in the moment, you realize in the future that their choices were the best ones.

Astrological Placements your Future Spouse may have:

Aquarius/Gemini/Libra placements; Fire Dominant; Mars dominant; Well-aspected Mercury; Leo dominant; Scorpio Placements; dominant Uranus.

Pile 3

You appreciate how they move on as if nothing had happened. If you make a mistake, they solve it and forget about it, without judgment or dwelling on the past. Your future spouse (FS) is also someone who enjoys horror and suspense movies, which is a recurring hobby for them.

You like that you feel comfortable around them, experiencing a sense of nostalgia for a moment that never actually existed. It's as if you've been separated before and now you're together again. This connection can be both physical and spiritual. Your FS brings magical and special moments into both of your lives.

You admire that they are a person who never loses hope. They always believe in love, even until the last moment. Even if everything comes to an end, they will continue to love and protect. They are patient and will wait for you to be ready to make decisions. They hold onto the hope that everything will work out in the end.

You appreciate that they are a fun and warm person. They shine in small social circles and are always loving and attentive. Your FS values small events and moments greatly. They enjoy going out to carnivals or other places where you can have fun. They are full of ideas for new places to explore and experience.

You like how they create a cozy atmosphere and make you feel safe. If you're someone who enjoys sleeping a lot or simply sees it as a hobby, you will feel comfortable sleeping next to your FS. Being close to them brings a sense of peace and security.

Astrological Placements your Future Spouse may have:

Cancer/Capricorn or Taurus Rising; Libra/Gemini placements; a touch of Leo and Pisces in the birth chart (perhaps only one placement).

Pile A

Your future spouse (FS) appreciates how open you are and your willingness to embrace change even in the face of fear. You have an openness not just to the world but also to your own needs. There's a sense of knowing that what you deserve is more and better than what you currently have.

Your FS admires your protective nature and how you always look out for yourself and others. You often place yourself on the front lines when confronting various challenges, often keeping your experiences to yourself in order to prevent hurting others.

Your FS values the fact that you are someone who seeks to resolve problems through communication. You strive to approach others and engage in conversation before acting without careful thought. Your natural inclination towards rationality allows you to navigate and resolve situations without unnecessary drama.

Your FS appreciates your ability to keep secrets. They trust that anything they confide in you will remain confidential, making you an extremely reliable person.

Your FS admires your ability to always find a way. You navigate paths with confidence, even if it means breaking down barriers to progress. Additionally, you have a keen sense of direction and excel at using maps and location.

Astrological Placements you may have:

Cancer/Pisces/Scorpio placements; Dominant Libra; Taurus/Capricorn/Virgo placements; More planets in the 4th/7th/8th and 12th house.

Pile B

Your future spouse (FS) appreciates your adventurous nature and how you enjoy getting out of the house to experience new things. While you find comfort at home, you also have a desire to explore and bring back new experiences to your safe haven.

Your FS admires your appearance of being a more traditional person, someone who dresses and behaves in a formal manner. They also appreciate your rationality and ability to express your emotions in different ways, showcasing your emotional intelligence. If you have a fair skin tone, they find it particularly beautiful.

Your FS is drawn to the mystery that surrounds you. There is always something new to discover about you, something you keep hidden from others, and they are intrigued to unravel your secrets.

Your FS values your wisdom and the way you have transformed your pain into knowledge. They admire your belief that everything has its own time and that timing is important. You are likely older than your FS, and they seek your advice and guidance.

Your FS admires your ambitious mindset. You think big, dream big, and refuse to diminish yourself for anyone. You are unafraid to assert yourself and communicate your needs.

Astrological Placements you may have:

Cancer/Scorpio/Pisces placements; Virgo/Taurus/Capricorn placements; Scorpio Dominant; Saturn Dominant; Pluto Dominant; a touch of Gemini/Aquarius/Libra (only one or two placements); Planets in the 8th/12th house.

Pile C

Your future spouse (FS) appreciates your organizational skills and how you are always planning things and maintaining cleanliness. You take pride in feeling physically and spiritually clean, and you make an effort to create a fragrant environment, whether it's at home or at work.

Your FS likes that you are someone who goes through phases and embraces change. You don't follow a rigid routine but instead allow life to unfold naturally. You adapt and know what needs to be done when situations arise because, as mentioned earlier, you are a planner. However, you don't plan every detail of big things. You are also someone who easily changes preferences, be it in hairstyles, clothing, books, or music.

Your FS is drawn to your dreamy nature, which also carries a hint of mysticism. You frequently engage in mystical practices such as tarot, astrology, or reiki. Your FS not only accepts but also appreciates this aspect of you. They see you as someone who has insights into the future, bringing comfort and reassurance.

Your FS likes how well you can blend in. You effortlessly adapt and integrate into various environments, to the point that you might almost go unnoticed. You are not noisy or attention-seeking; instead, you are composed and can easily fit into any space without causing disruptions.

Your FS admires your dedication to studying and your love for reading. They appreciate that you enjoy learning and also have a creative side, possibly in writing or drawing. Even if you don't pursue those activities professionally, your passion for them shines through.

Astrological Placements you may have:

Gemini placements; Uranus dominant or well-aspected Uranus; Neptune dominant or well-aspected Neptune; Virgo placements.

(CC) AstroJulia Some Rights Reserved

[odinsblog]

I was stunned to find the number of people in the tech industry who are all-in on the theory of scientific racism and eugenics. They've been out about that for years, though.

There's a sort of complex where this was the birth of, whether you want to call it the intellectual dark web, I think that was the moment there. They've sort of been radicalized gradually, as happens with these things, where they started with, like, Slate Star Codex was a really big key central point for them to gather and sort of say, well, we have to interrogate and question a lot of these (egalitarian) assumptions. They were very actively courted by the neo-reactionary movement.

So you have things like Peter Teal holding dinner parties with the founders of the movement, and sort of people who have explicitly endorsed slavery, explicitly endorsed disenfranchising women, and people of any non-male gender from being able to vote.

And I always resent it because I sound like a crazy person by just merely accurately describing what they have publicly said. I sound like a conspiracy theorist who's pinning up red strings on a cork board by literally being like, “This is a thing they said out loud, in public, multiple times.” And people are like, “There's no way.” And I'm like, I don't know what to tell you, but it's all out there. We have receipts for ten years.

They are way out there, and they have an explicit agenda of normalizing, really radical, really hateful agendas.

And for me, it's like, it's just a very simple thing.

It's like I have to care about my kid’s safety. I have to care about my friend's safety, I have to care about, you know, basic moral values that we used to agree on.

And that's the other thing too, is because I knew these people 10 and 20 years ago. Like the first blog that Marc Andreessen ever had, I set up. It was on a platform I helped build. So I know that there was a point in which, at least from the public visible face, this was once a reasonable person. And for them to embrace the sheer intellectual dishonesty, along with the hatred… the fact that they're just like, they don't care that they're lying because it's an effective tool to get what they want.

That stuff is… I don't know.

It really soured me on the traditional tech industry.

This is what their tech is for. The things they fund are meant to carry out their agenda.

Let me give you a clear example: To the people who believe in this extremist racist ideology, Elon Musk being willing to lose tens of billions of dollars in value of his own money, presumably, in Twitter, turning into “X,” is a principled person who puts his values ahead of the dollar. He is so committed to advancing this reactionary movement that he's willing to forego tens of billions of dollars of personal wealth in order to advance it.

And what rational people see as the destruction of Twitter is rather, the destruction of the ability for anybody to ever again make a Black Lives Matter hashtag, or to make a Me Too hashtag. And that is because he's not a dumb person. Like the thing that a lot of progressives and reasonable people want to just say, well, he's racist and evil, so he must be dumb.

He's not a dumb person.

Peter Thiel's not a dumb person.

So if we assume they're smart people who understand how systems work and have virtually unlimited resources, then why would they choose to do this?

Well, there must be a reason.

And there is a reason.

It's just one we don't like to confront.

Even more insidious is the fact that these tech moguls own huge companies with enormous influence, and wielding that kind of power over their employees creates a herd mentality within their workforces.

So if, for example, Facebook's board includes both Peter Thiel and Mark Andreessen. They don't have to give somebody an order to say what kind of content they want to promote on the newsfeed, on Facebook.

Everybody who works there knows this is who our bosses are. This is what we got to do, because they're smart. Everybody's smart, everybody's very reasonable.

And so you don't have to imagine, like I said, I don't have to be a conspiracy theorist that's putting up some red strings on a cork board to connect the dots and whatever. You're like, “Oh, I'm a midlevel product manager at a company. I'd like to make a name for myself and make the share price go up. And I know the boss's boss has been on every podcast in the world saying we need to promote more voices that are calling for ethnic cleansing,” okay?

Message received.

That's what a person who has no moral context would do. And there are a cohort of people in the technology industry that have come up entirely consuming media owned and created by these people, because they know the programming site Hacker News, which is owned by a venture capital firm and run by Paul Graham, is one of these guys.

They read blogs written explicitly by these guys. They consume it. They were on clubhouse. They're in a Discord chat with others that are sort of buying the stuff. They have a full wraparound media bubble. If they just read substacks and listen to the blog posts or read the blog posts from these folks, you can have what feels like an entire media diet shaped solely by this dialogue.

And this is why they're trying to own the media outlets and the distribution, like Twitter, alongside owning the platforms. And the fact that they can control more parts of society, right? The leverage of owning the distribution networks, the leverage of owning media outlets, the leverage of owning the platforms is very, very different, because we do have a lot of historical precedent.

If we go back 100 years ago and we say you're reeling from coming out of a pandemic, you are reeling from economic precarity and inequality at unprecedented levels, and you see the rise of, again, a direct parallel, virulent antisemitism. And you have things like the oil barons giving way to the Henry Fords of the world, the labor crackdown of the Pinkertons, Ford's embrace of, you know, to the point where he's pen pals with Hitler, and IBM building the technology.

The first person that ever asked me to do technology work for him was a neighbor of ours, and he had a tattoo on his wrist. And I was a little kid and didn't know what it meant. And I asked him what it was. It was his concentration camp tatoo. And what people don't realize is those are database entries in an IBM database.

And IBM's stance at the time was that they were neutral.

This is what technology does to enable the rise of fascism and victimization around the world. And we have a direct precedent less than 100 years ago, of how these technologies are used.

And I don't say that lightly.

I'm not saying we're there yet, but that is how you get there. And I would be surprised if the pattern doesn't play out in some ways, in terms of if you have tycoons of industry at a moment when the world is reckoning with massive social change, cultural change, along with recovering from things like economic destruction, inequality and pandemics… And you have rising military threats around the world.

That is exactly where we were a century ago.

—ANIL DASH shares his thoughts and experiences on Richard Hanania and rampant neo-fascism in Silicon Valley

[goodnightmemes]

YELLOWJACKETS SEASON TWO SENTENCE STARTERS

❛ The only thing you should ever say to the police is, "I want my lawyer." That's why I put it on the cookie. ❜

❛ Before you go, you should take some Hawaii 5-0 punch. It's just regular Hawaiian punch, but I gave it a snazzier name. ❜

❛ I might have to break up with him. Unless I get lucky and he just disappears. ❜

❛ I don't want to talk about the future, anyways. I'm all about living in the moment. ❜

❛ You're, like, holding on to me or whatever. That's, like, haunting 101. ❜

❛ I had to cut back the rations again. There's not much left. ❜

❛ The thought of you with someone else always scared me. But it also turned me on. ❜

❛ I'll make a solid kidnapper out of you yet. ❜

❛ There's no such thing as false hope. There's just hope. ❜

❛ I'm not scared of you. I'm never gonna be scared of you. ❜

❛ This is how you're choosing to say "I love you," for the first time? ❜

❛ You weren't the only smart one. You just liked to think you were. ❜

❛ What if my only way of dealing is to numb myself into oblivion? ❜

❛ They're too focused on their own shit to even notice that I'm gone. ❜

❛ Well...you're not a picture of normalcy yourself. ❜

❛ I can feel your heart beating. ❜

❛ Everyone has their role. ❜

❛ Stop reliving this! You're in the vise grip of your trauma. ❜

❛ Every time that you try to save someone, a lot of bad shit happens. ❜

❛ Serial killers love puzzles. It's a documented fact. ❜

❛ For fuck's sake, shut up! Don't you see how much damage you are doing? ❜

❛ I don't even know where you end and I begin. ❜

❛ Believe me, if I could relax about anything ever, I promise you, I would. ❜

❛ As I'm sure you can imagine, emotions can run high in a place like this. ❜

❛ You never know when you might need to leave the country sans passport. ❜

❛ It made me feel like...I didn't know what was going to happen. And I liked that. ❜

❛ You can't blame yourself. We all did it together. ❜

❛ Dude, I don't even remember what socks I put on today. ❜

❛ I guess I'd kind of do anything to see him again, you know? ❜

❛ Moving in with you means everything in my life changes. ❜

❛ I think shit is gonna get a lot worse out here. ❜

❛ Thing is...it's one thing to point a gun at a person. It's another thing to use it. ❜

❛ There's a look people get when they realize they're going to die. It's that one. ❜

❛ My hand wasn't shaking because I was afraid. It was shaking because of how badly I wanted to do this. ❜

❛ I'm gonna live how I want to. How I know I'm meant to. And I'm gonna be the person that I know I am. ❜

❛ They're all lucky to have you. It's pretty rare to have a friend who's relentlessly got your back. ❜

❛ In small towns, everyone knows who and where the weirdos are. ❜

❛ I don't normally hitchhike and...look like this. ❜

❛ I know that you're depressed. I know that you can't see it, but I can always tell. ❜

❛ Yes, I am still depressed because it's kind of a forever thing, but I'm doing real work. ❜

❛ And I swear to God, if you lie to me again…I am so fucking over secrets. Like, I can't. ❜

❛ Oh, my fucking God. So, you… you killed a person? ❜

❛ Maybe one day I can talk to you about it, but for now, can that just be enough? ❜

❛ I don't understand why you won't see what's right in front of you. ❜

❛ I'm sorry I disappointed you. I love you even when you try to control me. But I'm okay now! ❜

❛ I think we need to get you out of here. ❜

❛ But I just got here. I don't - I don't want to leave you. ❜

❛ As parents, it's part of our job. We have to protect her, we have to shield her from making the same shitty mistakes we made. To throw our fucking bodies in front of her if that's what we have to do. ❜

❛ No, you can't deny this anymore. There is something deep inside of you that is connected to all of this. ❜

❛ So, you gonna tell me why you're here, or are we just gonna pretend this isn't super weird? ❜

❛ I'm doing a fucking thing here. I don't need you getting in my way. ❜

❛ If I happen to mention sacrificing anything on an altar, well, just ignore that part, okay? Thanks. ❜

❛ Do you get how lucky we are? Some people never find someone they trust enough to share their deepest secrets. ❜

❛ You think I'm capable of murder? ❜

❛ You're charming and impulsive, which are traits of most serial killers. Only, you pull it off. ❜

❛ Look, all I'm trying to say is, I like you regardless of your extracurricular activities. ❜

❛ That's medication for me to mind my own business. You should take two. ❜

❛ Maybe you don't have to be dying to have regrets. ❜

❛ I'm mixing my pop culture metaphors 'cause I'm fucking upset! ❜

❛ I can't ask you for your help 'cause I don't want to hurt any more of the people I love. ❜

❛ You should know better than anyone we can't define a person based on their past. ❜

❛ I don't need your fucking prayers, I need you to have my back. ❜

❛ We weren't alone out there. ❜

❛ You should get the hell away from me. I'm poison. I ruin people. ❜

❛ We did so much fucked up shit out there. And, yeah, maybe it was to survive. Maybe. But I don't think we deserved to. ❜

❛ Women have been having babies for millions of years. You're gonna be fine. ❜

❛ The wilderness recognizes your sacrifice. And so do I. ❜

❛ The power of that place. The god of that place. We did terrible things in Its name. ❜

❛ It's all your fault. There's just something wrong with you. You always do this. ❜

❛ Aren't you probably the last person who should be giving me legal advice right now? ❜

❛ I know I have no right to ask you this, but truly, what is going on with you? ❜

❛ I just want to know you haven't given up on love. ❜

❛ Maybe I have given up on love. But don't flatter yourself. It's not because of you. ❜

❛ You know I don't deserve your friendship, right? I just hurt people. ❜

❛ Suffering is inevitable. And only by meeting it with compassion can we truly begin to grow. ❜

❛ I never even wanted to be a mom. ❜

❛ I did not start out a bad person. But in case you haven't noticed, life doesn't tend to turn out the way you think it will. ❜

❛ Oh, no. What happened? Fuck, are we going to jail? ❜

❛ It's you and me against the whole world. ❜

❛ You lost a lot of blood and you were unconscious. We thought we lost you. ❜

❛ I kept surviving all this shit that should've killed me, and I just...I figured it meant something. You know, like maybe it meant that I had some kind of purpose in all of this, but, uh...Yeah. I'm not fucking seeing it. ❜

❛ I need to know why the fuck I'm still here. ❜

❛ Shouldn't you be in therapy? ❜

❛ I'm not like you, okay? I don't think of killing as a joke. ❜

❛ I really am very grateful that your hobby seems to be figuring out how to be the perfect serial killer. ❜

❛ I've always kept my daughter at arm's length. I think just out of fear that she would...die, I guess. Or maybe that she was never even real to begin with. ❜

❛ I can't have another death on my hands. ❜

❛ I can't wait for you. I don't have that kind of time. ❜

❛ Tell me, is there anything of value in this life that doesn't come with risk? ❜

❛ Does a hunt that has no violence feed anyone? ❜

❛ What, do you want to casually reminisce about our time in fucking oblivion? ❜

❛ Well, if I'm repressing things I don't know about, I am very okay with never figuring it out. ❜

❛ I know there's a lot of pain. You need to let it out. ❜

❛ I don't understand. You measured the grave to the standard six feet? ❜

❛ You're lying to me. And I want to know why. ❜

❛ Maybe [name] dying wouldn't be the worst thing. ❜

❛ When they get a whiff of how much of a liar your mom is, they'll realize that the ❜ psychopath apple doesn't fall far from the fucked-up, man-eating tree. ❜

❛ So, this is what you've all been doing with your lives? Chasing blackmailers and murdering lovers? ❜

❛ I think we can agree that it's in everyone's best interest that [name] is gone. ❜

❛ If I die, don't waste my body. Promise me. ❜

❛ I thought you loved all of me, like I love all of you. ❜

❛ We put ourselves in danger for you. You've been using us! ❜

❛ I've been trying to fix...No. I have been telling myself that I've been trying to fix things and make the problems go away, but the truth is, I've just been doing stuff that makes it worse. ❜

❛ We're all pretty messed up. It's time we finally fucking talk about it. ❜

❛ This isn't something that therapies can fix. ❜

❛ I think that you might be taking this whole, like, cult leader persona thing... a tad far. ❜

❛ I never meant... I didn't want this. ❜

❛ You started this. It's done. And it's going to save all of our lives. ❜

❛ I appreciate you trying to teach me...forgiveness. It's a nice idea. ❜

❛ I let him die in my place. It was supposed to be me. ❜

❛ You're a good person. You really don't belong in this place. ❜

❛ I'm not ashamed. I'm glad I'm alive. And I don't think that any of us who are still here should feel ashamed of that. Ever. ❜

❛ That was a beautiful false confession. I could see it came out of real love. ❜

❛ You want to help me move this body? ❜

❛ It's up to you. You can submit. Or you can run. ❜

❛ You know there's no "it," right? It was just us. ❜

❛ I never wanted to be in charge. ❜

❛ No. I'm not supposed to be here. ❜

❛ This is exactly where we belong. We've been here for years. ❜

❛ It's not evil. Just hungry. Like us. ❜

[cheesus-doodles]

I read your Being childhood friends with Baji fic and it was amazing! Could you do one where they find out he’s in Toman by kidnapped by a gang to lure him out. You can choose what gang will reveal his big bad secret.

thank you anon! sorry it took so long to get back to your ask :') wasn't really feeling this one but i hope you like it!

Link to childhood BFF Baji HCs

Masterlist

‎‎

Oof, I would say that if there is any one particular gang that would be incentivised to drag you into the dark world of delinquency, it would probably be the ninth generation Black Dragons. They would already know about Kazutora, given how he lives in their turf, and a bit more digging would easily reveal Baji's connection to Kazutora and the newly founded Tokyo Manji Gang. And from there, with a little bit of stalking, they would find out about you.

Clear as day, you stood out like a sore thumb as Baji's biggest weakness - all it took was a glance to know that you were nothing more than a regular school-going kid who was as far from being a delinquent as the moon was from Earth, and that Baji was a big cheese around you. And so the Ninth Generation Black Dragons would scheme and plot to find the best way to use you against Baji, lure the First Division commander out seperately and settle him first before turning on the rest of Toman - it would be much easier if there was one less person to fight.

The sheer panic that rushes through Baji's head when, at the end of one school day, he comes round to pick you up from your classroom as he always does, only to find you missing. You would never leave school without your best friend - as Baji had insisted time and time again "for your safety" - and that could only mean one thing; this black-haired baby boy shaking down your classmates, shouting at them and demanding answers as to where you went, who you left with. Face pale when the description starts to match what Kazutora told him, Mikey and the rest of Toman, and then it came out that they had even left a note behind - it was the Black Dragons. They had to be the ones behind this.

No doubt Baji would like nothing more to rush off and find them and find you and beat the living shit out of them. His heart pounding out of his chest, his brain nothing but turmoil. But on the outside, he looks calm. Almost eerily calm. Puts the classmate he had grabbed by the collar of their uniform back down, and then just walks off without another word. Autopilots as he wanders the street, thinking what his next move should be, his mind screaming at him to go and rescue you this instance, that who knows what those dirty bastards could be doing to you.

Instead, for once, the First Division Captain decides to do the rational thing and call up Mikey and the others to explain what had happened. The note had warned for Baji to come alone, but with you and your safety on the line, there was no room for error. Wasn't hard to track you down - Toman was already familiar with where the Black Dragons' territory was, and from there deduce where they could be holding you (this baby boy could be smart when he needs to be).

‎‎

And as much as Baji hated to let you see him as anything but that caring, protective childhood friend, desperate times call for desperate measures. The fear that you would be scared of him, that you wouldn't want to be friends anymore if you saw him fight, was paralyzing, but the rest of the Toman founders assured him that they would help out. You were no doubt surprised to see Baji come flying in along side the other five Toman founders through the door of the place where these delinquents were holding you captive, your jaw dropping open as you watched your best friend's fist sock the jaw of one of your captors, the crack of bone loud and clear.

Sure you had been kidnapped, tricked into leaving your school with someone who claimed that Baji sent him, but to be fair they hadn't done anything to you but tie you up to make sure you didn't make a break for it. One of the delinquent boys was even nice enough to make a cup of tea for you when you asked. You had never thought of Baji as a fighter, even though you knew he was part of a 'gang' of some sorts, so suddenly being confronted with the fact that your childhood friend was capable of such violence? In that moment, it was clear that this force of nature wasn’t Kei-chan, the gruff, good-natured, and girl-shy boy you grew up with. No, this was Baji Keisuke, the Tokyo Manji Gang’s First Division Captain. It was certainly an eye-opening moment when you pieced together everything you knew and learned.

There definitely comes a point when you do start to fear the boy you thought you knew, when you caught sight of that predatory glint flaring up in Baji's eyes as he lets his anger out on these Ninth Generation Black Dragon delinquents, positively hissing that they have no right to drag you into this world, and that they should have kept their filthy hands off of you. Finally, when all the beating and bashing is done and the defeated gang are left sprawled across the floor does this boy comes crawling back to you, complete with the imaginary perked up ears and wagging tail, just so happy to see that you were safe and unharmed. Only to have his heart immediately shattered when you flinch as he approached you to free you from your restraints. No doubt tears start to well in his eyes as his stomach drops - you were scared of him? You couldn’t even meet Baji’s gaze, frightened of seeing that savage look again.

All you wanted to leave and be alone.

Baji had expected it to a degree, that showing you his violent, protective side would scare you; but he had expected that you would quickly come round to it. After all, he had just shown you to what extent he would go to keep you safe. This baby boy wanted to ask if you were okay, to tell you that you were safe and everything would be fine, to beg you to look at him, but all that came out was a whimper. Which is when the rest of the Toman founders would jump in. Obviously, they couldn't leave their heartbroken friend to wither by himself - Mikey, Draken and the others would take their payment from Baji in endless teasing about being lovesick later.

‎‎

Mitsuya and Pah would stop you from leaving, leading you to sit back down somewhere more comfortable with almost uncharacteristic gentleness, while Mikey and Kazutora would outright lie. Swears up and down that Baji wasn't a real delinquent, didn't regularly fight, and that they had never seen him so vicious - must have been because you were involved. And then Draken would encourage you to give Baji a chance after buying you a new drink to replace that tea, listen to your friend's side and what he had to say, even guilt tripping you into "seeing just how sad" the very down black-haired boy was. Would let you go after playing with your emotions and making you feel bad for doing so, but none of the Toman boys would be letting you out of their sights just yet.

Just because Baji was too sad to stalk you like he usually did doesn't mean his friends wouldn't step up to the plate. Making sure that you were at school and safe from bullies, that you weren't attempting to make other friends, they just generally helped to keep an eye on you while Baji pulled himself together (which he eventually does after good hard slap to the back of the head from an irate Draken).

This baby boy even buys you flowers and chocolates just to apologise for scaring you after getting a good earful from his mum, and despite your apprehension, you eventually start believing the lies. Would take you to formerly introduce you to all his friends, and as expected, turns absolutely red when Mitsuya teasingly asked if you two were dating. Maybe it was just because you wanted your best friend back, maybe it was how convincing Baji and his friends were, or maybe it was just how nice everyone seemed and that you couldn't imagine any of them as delinquents, but you were happy to be back together with Baji once more.

Swears to himself to step up your protection even further - which means more stalking, more regular beatings, and more preemptive beatings of anyone who is even the mildest threat - because Baji cannot afford to let you get dragged back into his dark underworld again. Doesn't know what he'll do if you leave him for good.

[goatcheesecak3]

Dean Taylor x gn!reader

Don't go

Angst with a dash of fluff

Warnings: brief mention of hostage situation, codependant relationship

A/n haven't written any angst since I was like 13, so apologies if I'm a bit rusty, but let's be real, I can't write for Dean and not include a bit of angst lmao. Hope u enjoy :^)

It was inevitable, you knew falling in love with Dean would get you hurt at some point. But not like this, you never expected it to be this bad. Sure, an abundance of arguments were expected- dean was stubborn and struggled to understand your feelings sometimes, but that was something you were both prepared for, something you could come back from. But nothing could have prepared you for this, and there sure as hell wasn't any coming back from it.

Dean wasn't aware that you'd found out about his plans, he lay with his arm around you, blissfully unaware that you were grappling with the most heartwrenching conflict of your life. While hanging out with Jenna she'd let it slip that Dean had agreed to join in on her and Paul's little scheme. They'd approached you with the proposition a few days before, and you'd swiftly declined. They'd got you all wrong. You were with Dean because you saw good in him, not because you wanted to encourage his antisocial behaviour, like they seemed to.

So there you were, tucked up in bed knowing that this was probably for the last time. This time tomorrow Dean would be off on the woods with his awful friends committing a crime you knew he wasn't smart enough, or rational enough to pull off. A hostage situation, to be exact. Of course, the plan wasn't to hurt anyone, just to get some money out of some rich assholes. But let's face it, someone somewhere along the line was going to get hurt, and someone was going to go down for it.

You considered telling Dean that you knew everything, try and convince him not to go - you knew Paul had set this whole thing up to leave no trace, Dean could pull out now and it would be like he was never involved in the first place. In a way, that was why you hadn't broached the subject. Right now, at this very moment, it was like schrodinger's cat. Dean could be thought of both innocent and guiltily - you choose to think of the former. Until you pressed him on the matter, until you heard him say the words "I'm going tomorrow" his fate wasn't yet sealed, and you wanted to hold onto that for as long as you could.

You allowed yourself to feel the warmth of Dean's embrace, to watch the way his large hands absent mindedly stroked your arm. God, those hands. The hands that cradled you each night, the hands that made you feel safe and loved when words just couldn't. You couldn't bear to think about what those hands would do tomorrow. This was all getting too much for you, you couldn't hold it in any longer. There was no visible build up, no indication of what was to come, it just happened. You broke into an inconsolable blubber. Shaking, and wailing uncontrollably, barely breathing. You'd sat upright and began to clutch your hair, as though pulling it might somehow pull out the horrifying thoughts that infected your mind like a plague.

Of course, Dean was perplexed and alarmed.

"Y/n what the fuck?" He exclaimed, his voice drenched in panic. He too sat up, grabbing your arms and pulling them away from your head.

You couldn't speak, only cry out in guttural sobs.

Dean's face was contorted in abject horror, he'd never seen a person in so much anguish before- seemingly out of nowhere. Emotions made him uncomfortable at the best of times, but this was something far worse. He looked on helplessly as the person he was in love with expelled sounds of indescribable pain.

"What is it? Please tell me, I-I'll fix whatever it is, please baby" he stumbled over his words in terror.

You mustered up every single bit of strength in your body and manged to form the words "don't go tomorrow"

That was it. You'd said it. It was out. And once it was out, it wouldn't stop coming out. You began to repeat these three words like a mantra, pleading over, and over, and over again, your words only gaining momentum, becoming louder and more fervent.

By this point, your brain had allowed for you to articulate a precious few words more,

"Please don't do this to me" made it's way out of your mouth in the form of a bawl.

Dean had often wondered what it would be like to hold someone's fate in his hands. To have them beg him not to snuff them out, to be in complete control, to be judge, jury and executioner. It had been a fantasy of his for as long as he could remember. For years, the thought of having this power over someone, to watch them plead had been tantalising. But now, completely unintentionally, he was faced with it. He'd planned to experience this feeling for the first time on the job tomorrow, he never expected it to happen on this night, not with some rich kids who'd made his life hell, but with the love of his life. It was becoming rapidly apparent to him that like most fantasies, the reality was nothing like what he'd imagined. Seeing the torment he'd inflicted on another person, through his own self indulgent decisions brought him no joy whatsoever. The exact opposite, in fact. He felt every single inch of your pain washing over him, and it was truly unbearable.

Cupping your face, his nose began to crinkle and his eyes squinted in an effort to hold back tears.

"I won't go" he began, "I won't go, I won't. Not if its going to do this to you. I won't go, do you understand me?" He spoke rapidly, his words in a race with the lump in his throat to try and exit his mouth first. When his words crossed the finish line, the lump caught up and pitiful cry escaped his lips.

He threw his arms around you and pulled you to him, resting his chin on your head and sobbing with you.

You clung onto him for more than life. You buried your face into his chest and tried with all your might to slow your breaths and stifle your cries. The two of you stayed like that until your tears had become nothing more than sniffles.

Dean was the first to speak

"I promise not to go y/n. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever."

You lifted your head to look at him, your tear stained cheeks were red and puffy.

"I love you" You said. Any other words would have been a waste of your short breaths. All you could feel was love. Not the tender, sweet love you typically feel when you think of a relationship, but a desperate, urgent love. A love so intense it could only be provoked by Dean.

"I love you too" he said, with the same sense of urgency. Nothing mattered more than the two of you both saying, hearing and knowing this about eachother right now.

That was the thing about falling in love with Dean, getting hurt at some point was inevitable- for both of you, because neither of you could exist without the other.

Exhausted from such an intense night, the pair of you had collapsed back into the bed. You had curled into a ball in Dean's arms as he lovingly stroked your hair until you fell asleep.

When you awoke the next day, Dean had kept his promise. He was still there, fast asleep, holding onto the only thing that mattered to him anymore: you.

A/n reblogs & replies are much appreciated, since it's pretty hard to find Dean stans :^)))

requests are still open, check my pinned post for details

[eldritch-spouse]

I hope you see the Pin, cause I'm invested.

If we were trapped in lust, how about we become an Oiran to survive? 

Quasi Oiran, so to speak, since I wouldn't be on Oiran traditionally but moreso in spirit. 

Now a few things to note about Oirans (the Apothecary Diaries did a very good job at explaining this, so I'll use that): Unlike regular Yujyos (prostitutes) who need to find a customer every night, the best of them rarely ever take clients. The less an Oiran (a high-ranking yujyo) works, the higher her perceived value will be. All Yujyo are taught a bit about poetry and dancing at a young age; those without potential are immediately put to night service work after their debut, while those with potential continue with their education, spending their time with customers merely drinking tea. As their conventional skills and wisdom increase, so does their price, and they will accept requests even more rarely. Eventually, it comes to a cost a year's worth of salary to just share nothing but a cup of tea with such an Orian. Among them are even a few who would never come to know a customer's touch up until the day they are bought. They're priced so highly because they're an untouchable flower; once plucked, they lose half their value.

Some stuff would probably need to be tweaked in order for this to work, but here is a route I think could be taken.

So you land in lust! (Preferably as a virgin cause that can be used later.) Like a rational person, you start hauling ass as soon as you can gather yourself cause you don't want to be snu-snu-ed to death. Hopefully you can stumble across a nice enough high-ranker who would be willing to help you out—for a price, of course. Now, this could depend on the high-ranker because if they don't immediately take our virginity, we could sell it for a high price because in the Pinnie universe, a human's virginity is like ambrosia, but I don't really see that happening since who would pass up the opportunity, you know? But anyway, in return for their protection, we could make a deal to bring in three times the amount they bring in a year. There are many human fuckers to pick and choose from, so it wouldn't be too hard to get the bag. Before we make our debut, we should train in the arts like Yujyo do. We could use dance or singing for normal customers, and for customers with a taste for finer things, we could use poetry, calligraphy (you see what I did there 😏) and aktpainting, which is the painting of nude people. But of course I'll have sex with my customers so they keep coming back, I'll just try to engage with them in thay way sparingly so that they can become addicted. After we make our debut, hopefully we can make enough money to hire some wrath demon bodyguards, and then we can truly make our way up the ranks to become an Oiran because we may have our pimp, but I don't think they can hold our hand and protect us all the time. If a customer is being too pushy, we can just call in our guards to have their ass booted 🤷🏽‍♀️. It's very likely that our guards and pimp will become obsessed with us but if we were smart enough to make it thus far it will be no trouble to play demon wrangler. And if by a slim pubic hair of a chance we can get an angel to keep all of them in check, we would be set for life.

So that's it!

The reason I think it would be a good idea to become an Oiran is because, let's be honest, in lust where it's all about fucking, we wouldn't be too popular to make someone believe we're trying to out-whore them but popular enough to get that sweet, sweet money. Another reason why I thought it could work is because Concubi place an importance on virginity. I'm not sure if it applies to how many times you slept with someone, but by being a 'flower' and a human at the same time it could attract a lot of customers, so why not use it?

(I hope all of this made sense since I'm not a native speaker)

[It sort of made sense. I don't know much about the nuance of these cultures, so I'm not going to dip into that side too much.]

Making it in Lust is hard, especially as a virgin. Even if someone with a modicum of power takes enough pity on you to offer you a leg up, there's always the risk of it going downhill. It depends on your luck, cleverness and, oftentimes, ruthlessness.

Someone similar to an oiran, in Lust, would have a difficult time.

Even if there are many concubi (and other types of fiends/non-demonic inhabitants) who get into the mysticism and attributed rarity of a female companion like that, getting off endlessly on that temptation to leap across the table while the two of you have a conversation over tea... There are also many crowds eager to debase and "corrupt" you, to turn you into a senseless whore like themselves.

You're never truly safe either way. Some of your regulars may become eerily attached and possessive of you, maybe even threatening to toss you out to the demons who give you leery stares as you walk because you refuse to see them more often or to touch them.

Keep in mind that blueballing a concubus isn't really a good idea, unless they make it clear they're into that. Because otherwise, you're holding a steak to a lion's mouth and constantly yanking it away before they can snag it. Eventually, they'll get tired and bite some of your fingers off along with it.

Your life in Lust will be one led with extreme caution.

[loyaltykask]

Chapter 27

@journeythroughjourneytothewest

Wukong just has to scream and that sucking works

I forget that the White Bone Demon Arc is actaully like.... super early in the jounrey. Like they have been only on 3 adventure together AT MOST and that is no including getting Bajie And Wujing. At this point they are all still strangers to one another. They are barely a year in to a 14 year journey and this is like their first real test of faith in one another. Sanzang has only see a Head monk commit suicide, get kidnapped by Yellow Wind Demon and face the Immortal Equal to Earth at this point, all that I will admit aren't Wukong's best moments. But he still has this arrogance that Wukong can and should do anything he says. I think it says a lot where this chapter is going to go when this is there first test after coming off the Ginseng Fruit arc as a team and whether this will break them or they can come out strong for it.

WHAT relatives BE TALKING ABOUT THIS?

OOOOOOO THey got CLOUT

And Wujing was a Captain i thought he was a general, need to remember that. Never thought "clowning" would be used in this context but damn good for them

Sanzang STILL Be scolding even to some rando woman DAMN

Again I just imagine Sanzang holding a 4ft monkey in his arm holding him back

See because later it is shown that Wukong HASN'T eaten human I really think he trying to push the point the demons (he including himself in this to make a point) lure human with falsehoods all the time that Sanzang shouldn't be so trusting

This also makes the idea that Bajie, Wukong, Bailong, and Wujing are all parts of Sanzang that he fighting with himself. Bajie is his worldly mind seeing a beautiful woman and trusting her for that beauty. While Wukong is the rational part of Sanzang's mind that is trying to warn him about the dangers. Sanzang not listening to Wukong is him not listening to himself, rather choosing what he want to believe instead of the truth in front of him.

Also lmao his bald head is a red

Funny enough this does suggest she was using dead bodies as her shield So the illusion is very convincing as it was once a real person but they should be long dead by now

Even here Sanzang is 1/3 convinced (kinda strange way of putting it) as though Wukong is sure of himself but Wujing and Bajie are not, hence why Bajie is vocal about his objections and Wujing opts to say nothing as he too wants to see the best in everyone, hoping that what the woman said was true.

Such symbolically filled chapters and also show the dynamics and where they stand one year into the journey. Like they are just starting to understand one another from what we see in the Ginseng Fruit arc and starting to understand their roles not only in the party but to one another as well. Sanzang is the one here who needs to grow the most in order to get past his arrogance and grow not only as a master but as a person as well. It was very smart to put this chapter early in the book, I know it’s in the second volume but this is legit just the third large trial arc on this journey setting the tone for the rest of the journey and how they interact with one another here. Sanzang still doesn’t fully trust Wukong here and Bajie letting his jealousy for his brother show I honestly think Bajie is more just wanting Wukong to get in trouble and like tease the other, cause he is disappointed by the lack of a free meal, but he is never intended for Wukong to be so far gone as to be sent away.

Still not over Wukong calling Sanzang a whore and saying "I'll build you a bed so you can just fuck you're self out of the monk lifestyle you floozy"

It just occurred to me that Neither Wujing nor Bajie has seen Sanzang use the spell until now. Like Sanzang told them about it in the Ginseng Fruit arc but they had never seen it in action because he hadn't used it in the past 6 months. I think he only used it when they were at the Temple with that evil monk dude and Wukong lost the cassock but he hasn't used it since.

Yup, just check he only used the spell when he lost the cassock and hasn't used it since. Shit they really are in for a bumping ride.

I don't know why but the idea that being kind to even bugs and Sanzang is the Golden Cicada speaks to me on some

SO LIKE Sanzang has admitted that he doesn't mind dying, sure he doesn't want to but he gives off the vibes that he knows it can happen to him at any moment and he would just accept his evitable death (I'm not sure if that is low key suicidal but deadass not really saying he wants to live either). Wukong on the other hand knows this guy is going to die and being a monkey of his word wants to repay him for freeing him under the mountain. Wukong has been shown before to have a lot of gratitude to people that help him in the past, his own Master Puti and Guanyin for starters as he never forgets when he owes a debt (unless you are Ao Guang then tough shit). Sanzang thinks he hit an innocent person that hasn't wrong them yet while Wukong argues otherwise and even goes on to say that he will fight again even if Sanzang uses the spell, he isn't going to be unruly again. Clearly Sanzang is in the wrong here but also this highlights just how loyal and honest Wukong is as a character, sure he is a trickster and known to be cunning and can use deceitful tactics to get his way but overall him as a person is always honest with his intentions and what he thinks and believes, which is very interesting wonderful dichotomy.

Also, love that Wukong just..... straight out points out that an old lady probs can't give birth as his reasoning. He really is the Monkey of Mind.

Okay so like..... he was RIGHT to do so but ALSO YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN SOME WARNING SHE WAS A DEMON BEFORE DOING THAT

He uses the spell again and tries to send him away, harsh words deadass. At this point, it is clear that Sanzang is just digging in his heels refusing to trust Wukong after already set in stone in his mind that the last person they killed was an actaully person. Now any trust they have built over the last year is gone and it is only going to get worse.

I can't tell if Cheng'en is trying to make the pain like.... funny like in a cartoon but it def leaves disturbing mental images.

Even being sent away they still bicker Wukong more offended by his pride as a monk is being questioned than being sent away

Wukong this time uses the excuse of having the fillet to keep him around, that he would be dishonored coming home with it on his head, and that if Sanzang can't take it off then he better come along all the while. It is a different excuse than the first one, rather than using Sanzang's natural compassion against him, he is using Sanzang's need to bear responsibility over him. That as the master if he can't loosen it then he has no right to send him away with it still on. Which is interesting in Buddhism culture as any action Wukong does so reflects on his Master, meaning that every life Wukong takes, whether human or demon is on Sanzang's hands he is responsible for Wukong during the whole journey. It is that kind of Shifu-Tudi mentality that students are an extension of their masters and that they carry on their will through their actions. Anytime Wukong does something 'unruly' in Sanzang's eyes it is because he himself as failed as a master to teach Wukong properly. To Sanzang, Wukong's failures are his own and sending him away would be him trying to give up not only on Wukong but also on himself for not being able to properly teach Wukong.

Bajie shut the fuck up your giving the party anxiety.

Wukong be weighing his options of whether to save Sanzang from his demon if and when she catches him or just kill her now. He had a calculated risk that he will be able to talk himself out of this one.

He willing to keep Sanzang safe even if it meant getting that Spell. never was there a more brave soldier.

Deadass Wukong finally got the proof he needed cause White Bone Spirit BE FINALLY DEAD Only when true death can that the corpse be shown. Also weird that her name was in his spine but hey who am I to judge.

NO BAJIE YOU FUCK SANZANG WAS THIS CLOSE TO JUST SAYING "You were right Wukong thank you" THIS AINT YOUR TIME TO LAUGH AND TEASE THIS MONK IS SERIOUS

Out of everything Sanzang said saying that they don't need Wukong cause Wujing and Bajie are there hurt him the most. Sanzang goes on saying "I have been with you since day one! Not them!" Funny enough that Sanzang DOESn't even bother with the spell the third time, like just as he was about to recite it Wukong stopped him and they just argue. He just.... tell him to leave.

This is the most formal banishment damn, got a letter of resignation and everything Sanzang being a petty stubborn fool like this Wukong refuses to leave without bowing and even Sanzang try to dodge a bow but could not.

Wukong only be trusting Wujing here for this mission Both Wujing and Bajie not saying much, which allows for a lot of interpretation in what they could be thinking. But Sanzang still thinking that Wukong was being deceitful in his actions Wukong gives WUjing to use him name but only that.

CRYING HE IS CRYING I HOPE YALL HAPPY

[callforspiderboy]

"Why are you hanging around with us?"|| Greaser's × No reader gender

Summary:Ponyboy doesn't understand why you hang out with them, did you consider yourself a greaser? Do others consider you a greaser? If glitter in your hair and a thug face made you a greaser, you wouldn't be one, maybe you'd be something else.

Warnings: None

(The Outsiders Masterlist)

He had analyzed you, you looked like a Soc, both in your clothes and in your hair, you weren't born on the East Side, even though you lived here. Ponyboy would never choose to be a greaser, and wondered why someone like you, who unlike him might not be one, chose to hang out with a group like his.

They (Ponyboy preferred to refer to the whole group, even though he and perhaps Johnny were the only ones analyzing your comportment) didn't know exactly what you were doing, they knew that you had the potential to fit in not with the Socs, but with the Tulsa middle class for sure. Even if the way your brother made money wasn't the most honest, it was still quite lucrative and no one needed to know where the money came from.

So why were you still hanging out on the worst side of town, with a group of "thugs" and wasting all your hours in conflicts that had little to do with you? At first Ponyboy thought you were like Sodapop, not very smart, so you preferred this "simple" life and were fine where you were, but your grades and reasoning prove otherwise. Maybe you're like Dally, violent, young and desperate, but no, that lost and reckless essence wasn't in you, they often saw you guiding your brother, a scowling thug from Tulsa, onto the rational path, the right path.

So maybe you're here because you like it? If so, what? The Curtis group? The adrenaline? He'd thought about asking, but he didn't know exactly how it would sound, he was afraid he'd sound like Darry when he gave him a "What are you doing with your life? Do you really think? You have to focus on something better." No, that wasn't what he meant, he would never talk like that to you, he would never talk like that to anyone.

Once in the wasteland he asked Johnny why he thought you hung out with them, Johnny didn't understand the question, you were you, obviously you hung out with them, you were part of the group. Ponyboy tried to explain, you clearly weren't some rich person from the right side of town who didn't see big differences between socs and greases, but you also weren't like them, poor whites from the wrong side of town who saw the class difference crush you every day, you weren't even born in Tusla. But Johnny Cade still didn't understand what Pony meant, making the younger Curtis think that perhaps he was the only one in the group who wondered about it.

He had probably stared at you too long, because now instead of looking up at the starry sky as Johnny (and you) had been doing for a few minutes, you were staring at Ponyboy with a curious look, and he didn't even try to look away, staring even deeper into your eyes.

"Something's bothering you, Pony?" His answer didn't come immediately, the boy was debating internally how he should start the conversation, but before he had a chance to plan what he was going to say, the words escaped his mouth "Why are you hanging around with us?" His tone came out much more accusatory than he had planned, and his face showed an immediate annoyance.

"Don't get me wrong, I see you as a friend, but why would you choose to hang out with us? To be a greaser" He said immediately trying to contain the situation, your answer came faster than he imagined "Do you have a reason to be a greaser?" He immediately understood what you were getting at.

"I was born a greaser, it's different, guys like me were born to hang out with people like two-bit Mathews, Sodapop, Johnny, it's just the way things are" The laugh you let out took Pony (and Johnny who was listening attentively to the whole conversation) by surprise, there was nothing funny about it, was there? "Ponyboy" The name came out between giggles and a sweet tone from your mouth "Were you born a greaser? Were you born with glitter in your hair and a tough guy face?" Your question was mocking.

"You see, if they took away your amazing haircut, you wouldn't stop being a greaser, you'd just stop looking like one, so I hope the big question isn't what I look like, because you've never been that kind of person, Pony" You said each word with a sweet tone, even if it sounded like a scolding, you weren't really upset by the question.

"And about choosing, I don't think you choose who's going to be your friend, they just are" You paused for a brief moment and looked up as if thinking about something, before continuing "Like Dally, don't you think he's the kind of guy you looked at in the street and thought I want to be his friend, but he's your friend" At that moment Pony wanted to retort "Dally's not my friend", but he understood what you meant. You hadn't chosen to be a greaser, just as Pony hadn't chosen to be one (and just as no one would choose to be one), you just were, just as you were only friends with the group.

But Pony didn't believe that, there was something that made you a greaser, maybe for him a glitter in your hair, a long cut and a tough face, maybe what made you a greaser was the fact that you were close to them, maybe the fact that your brother was a hardened thug, or maybe the fact that you never ran away from a fight when it was to protect one of them, you never left their side even with the nasty comments they made about you. Ponyboy was going to find out what made you a greaser, but right now he could only think about the movie he would see when he went to the cinema tomorrow.

＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿

This is my attempt to interact with the fandom.

[juleshollow]

Kaneeka criticism

I like Kaneeka a lot. She's one of the characters I relate to the most because of her rationality and the way she deals with family issues (also, anime <3). She's honest, intelligent and kind. And she's got a very cool style.

However, Kaneeka has two specific moments that made me clash with her. To be fair, they were both very stressful situations in which it makes sense not to be at your best. But I haven't seen anyone talking about them, so here goes:

The first one isn't that bad, I was just annoyed.

In Episode 2, I called Tabitha before going into the mines, without waiting for her. When I caught up to Kaneeka and Stella I told them the truth, and Kaneeka did not like me calling my cousin at all.

Here's the thing: of course I called my cousin. We were about to get into an abandoned coal mine that we suspected might collapse. It's only natural I'd tell someone outside in case something bad happened and we needed rescue! And I literally have the phone number of three people in this town, two of which were going to be in the mine with me. Maybe I've seen too many caving disaster videos, but I am terrified of mines and caves. I fully understood Kaneeka's panic, I couldn't wait to get out (I love Zane but when he slapped that beam I could have punched him). Because of how responsible Kaneeka is, it shocked me that she didn't see it was the safest thing to do. I would have loved to have the option to justify myself when she berated me, because I thought she would be on my side on this.

The second one is the real issue. I find it a character defining moment, and I don't like the person that Kaneeka becomes.

I didn't experience this scene until I did a replay with different traits, so I had no problem with Kaneeka in my canon run. In Episode 3, if you don't have Book Smart you have to choose between leaving the ghost in the library or sacrificing years of your life or your cousin's. In no way I would make that sacrifice for a house, so I got out of there with Tabitha. F*ck that ghost. Then Kaneeka took it badly.

Well, this is obviously not okay.

I thought Kaneeka would be compassionate enough to reassure us that no one should have taken such an unfair deal, even if she didn't like Tabitha. But she'd rather have Tabitha lose part of her life and live in constant fear than have Oscar move. I couldn't believe my eyes.

Kaneeka is right about the strike, Tabitha isn't doing what's right for her workers and the town (she tries, but fails). But that only means that she should change the way she runs the business, not that she should sacrifice her years for a ghost!

Also, what "rewards" is Tabitha actually reaping? The whole town knows that she lives in a decrepit house and she's obviously not rich. I mean, she's a bad boss, but she's not that privileged is she? They even know how terrible Pearlanne was. Does no one even suspect that Tabitha might have been abused? Did Stella never tell Kaneeka about her girlfriend's life conditions? Kaneeka's hate in this scene doesn't make sense to me.

I just think that Kaneeka's principles change when it comes to Tabitha. Kaneeka is caring and just, but if Tabitha is involved she even becomes irrational in order to be mean to her.

[ninjahiccups]

The Songbird of Asgard

Chapter 7: Want

AO3 Link OC insert version Previous chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 Word count: 11.4k Warnings: canon typical violence, another metaphor for toxic family if you squint, Heimdall is touch starved

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blurb: One more trip to Alfheim, and you're more prepared to handle whatever unwanted memories come to you. Despite your resilience, you find yourself knocked down again. This time a certain god chooses to act. --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Again, not happy with this one, but hopefully you guys like it more than I do lol

Heimdall tried to avoid you. Really, he did. He was busy, had plenty to do, no time for fooling around. He wasn't trying to deny anything. There was nothing for him to deny. No, not a single thing. 

It didn't last long. In fact, he automatically approached you even more than he had before you went to Svartalfheim. Up until this point your interactions outside of your safe space had been fleeting, limited to a short moment here and there, a few jabs at each other in passing. Now whenever he saw you, he would actively seek you out, just start talking to you like he had always done it. He wouldn't linger long, still prioritizing whatever Odin had asked of him, but any time he caught sight of you he automatically spared a couple minutes to chat.

Everyone started to pity you. You could tell. Whenever Heimdall approached you servants and gods alike would look at you like you were being tortured. Some of them even complimented your ability to keep your cool around him. In truth, it was surprising, but not unwelcome. There was even something…uplifting about his sudden willingness to bring your friendship out of the secluded sidelines. It was a wake up call, in a way. This wasn't just a pastime he used to relax. It had become a real bond, and not the one you were expecting. With that in mind, you got the feeling that things had deviated even more as of late, no matter how much you tried to rationalize it.

You did your best to ignore that thought. Heimdall was a private, complicated, distrustful man, and not without reason. He wouldn't seek out something like…whatever you were thinking. He would definitely not be interested in anything beyond this. Then again…it had been well over six months since you started getting along. Maybe it had been long enough.

No, you weren't serious. Things weren't turning out this way, not at all. You were friends. That was all he wanted and you felt the same. You had definitely not grown attached to that whiny manchild. That pompous, overconfident jerk. The man that would have gladly killed you without a second thought once upon a time. A god that couldn't care less for most others and was too arrogant to start thinking he should. The person that would always say he doesn't pout, and then pout in a way that had become more cute than irritating. A man that was so passionate and dedicated to the things he loved. Smart and funny, even if it was in cruel ways sometimes. He was much more thoughtful than most would give him credit for, your many discussions about books you loved proved as much. Someone with plenty of outward flaws, but with so many hidden gems that made you want to care about him, likely making you the only person who did. His eyes were still so pretty, and you loved the handsome smiles he wore when you would sing to him. 

It was only friendship. You definitely didn't miss him when he didn't visit you at your getaway for several days after your errand in Svartalfheim. The times Sif tore you away from Heimdall while shooting him a suspicious glare were not annoying. That wasn't how it was at all. 

But what else would it be?

Heimdall growled the same thing to himself when he finally returned to your hideout for the first time. He was fond of you. Yes, and? It didn't mean a single thing. Nothing had changed, and there was no need for it. He just…wanted to hear a calming lyre that day. He wasn't cracking. His resolve wasn't shattering. 

He definitely didn't feel ten times lighter when he heard you singing for the first time in days.

Confusion and questions, ones that neither of you would properly address. As far as either of you were concerned, you were still friends. You were still the one person he could relax with and was capable of matching his intellect. Heimdall was still the solitary god that you wanted to help get away from the burden of his foresight. With that in your minds, they gradually settled into denial.

Heimdall still wondered what he was thinking about every other day. Every time he did he would grow frustrated with the conflict between these urges and his common sense, but as soon as he gave in to temptation he seemed to forget all about it. It was so much easier when he didn't think so much…so he didn't. 

In the end, it made him feel so much better to just let go.

It was almost another month of this shuffling around the ignored uncertainties while Odin tested the artifact's repaired core. You assured him it was stable, but he wanted to be absolutely sure that nothing catastrophic would happen if it were used someday. It was tied to all the realms, after all. On top of that, he had hoped to narrow down the location of the next piece as much as possible. 

Which he did, but not enough for Heimdall's liking.

He made no complaints, but he did feel heavy while he went looking for you so you could retrieve it. Alfheim again, of all places. And in a part of the realm that was worse than the last. You had learned some things since then, maybe this time would go smoother. 

He found you in the Great Lodge with Sif and Thrud, idly chatting while the youngster was pretending the cheese and grapes from her lunch were battling on her plate. Heimdall gagged at the sight before dismissing her presence and standing before you and Sif.

Sif was not pleased. She gave Heimdall an ugly glare, daring him to interrupt your conversation once again, still so certain that you were just too nice to tell him to get lost. "Ladies," he greeted, not at all serious. Sif growled, "What do you want, Heimdall? We all know you have work to do."

"How perceptive of you," said while he rolled his eyes. "You are correct, however. That's precisely why I'm here." His eyes went to you, who nodded in understanding while Sif sighed in defeat.

"We'll finish up later," you said as you joined Heimdall. On your way out you patted the little girl's shoulder and whispered, "Make sure it's a fair fight, okay?"

Thrud giggled a bit too enthusiastically, "The cheese is just losing!" You chuckled at that, and her mother's tired sigh when she saw the mess Thrud made.

Muninn was waiting outside on the roof of the lodge, cawing impatiently like it had been waiting for years. Heimdall held up his hand to the agitated bird. "Before we set out, you should know where we're going." He paused, reading you closely so he could monitor your reaction. "We're going to Alfheim again."

Disappointment. Not nearly as potent as the first time. "And? I'm sure I could have figured that out."

Heimdall could feel it. That one sensation that he had never experienced. Worry was coiling in his gut. Worry. Him. He hated knowing that's what made him loathe everything about this, but repeating that to himself didn't make it go away. "Not just anywhere in Alfheim. A light elf temple."

"The Temple of Light?"

"No."

There it was. The sinking of your spirits at the realization. "Show me." You weren't willing to assume the worst until it was undeniable.

Muninn heard and obeyed you, encircling you in ravens until you were at the edge of a lush forest, green and yellow vegetation dangling from the tree branches above. It was sunset, painting the scenery with shades of red and orange. The trees thinned several paces ahead of you, edges neatly trimmed and maintained by the elves, who cared for plants in Freyr's name. Beyond the thin strip of empty land was a river with a white marble bridge arching over it. There was a neat garden on the other side, the wild trees lining the rectangular clearing, fencing off most of the interior. Groups of shrubs and bushes with flowers made of butterflies were arranged in an intricate pattern, the complete design only visible from the top of the structure in the center. That structure was a temple, white and light blue and gold with giant blue gems illuminating the walls. The tall structure was composed of several towers, each one circular and connected by beams of light. These towers formed an oval, and in the middle of the oval were three more towers separated by paths of light, arranged in a perfectly straight line. The one in the center was the tallest, stretching high above your heads and more than five times the height of the Great Lodge. The very peak was home to a large blue flame that reflected into surrounding crystals, flooding the region with a cool hue. Windows and balconies littered the walls, all of them lit by blue torches and lined with golden frames. It was truly a perfect representation of the light elves' architecture, and bright enough to see for miles in any direction. Intentional, serving as a guiding light to elves that needed to find their way to the fortress of their territory.

You felt your heart speed up and your stomach fall to your feet at the sight. This had to be the absolute worst place in the realm for you to be. "Víðbláinn," you whispered, nostalgia sweeping over you as you took in the familiar sight.

"You know it?" Heimdall asked.

"I was raised here." This was where the brightest children among the light elves lived and studied, cared for by a staff of scholars and guardians, all of them overlooked by the matron. Heimdall felt pain wallowing deep within, the dread of returning commanding you to leave. There was also a sense of longing for simpler times, well before you had started aiding the elven war.

Heimdall waited for the inevitable closing of your mind, certain that you would want to hide your thoughts from him like you did last time. Instead you turned to him, your resolve overpowering his reluctance as you held your hand out. He gave you the relic fragment you needed to start tracking the one inside.

You nearly set off without a word, but Heimdall spoke up. "No complaints?"

Most would have found that insensitive, referring to coping with ghosts of the past as "complaints." You were not one of those people, having spoken with Heimdall enough to understand what he was really asking. "I'm fine." When he didn't seem convinced, you added, "You said I can't let them bind me any longer, and I can't do that if I run away. I'm not going to hesitate this time." Stern and resolute. Absolutely certain.

Heimdall nodded, perturbed by the traces of…something your conviction made him feel. He masked it with a raised brow and a condescending smirk. "Ah, so you are capable of learning. Well, better late than never, as they say."

You slapped his shoulder — an action he predicted and allowed — with a chuckle. "Shut up. Any reason we were dropped here specifically?" You were off to the bridge.

"All-Father narrowed down its location as much as he could. He said it will be in one of the towers on this end." 

Once you crossed, you had to fight the apprehension that was creeping in. It was fortunate that you arrived minutes before nightfall. Around this time the elves would have ended most of their business and returned to their personal affairs rather than their social ones. The halls should be relatively vacant, but sentinels looking out for any threats would still be a problem. 

Heimdall caught one just after the land grew dark, signaling you to stay behind the thick tree nestled at the edge of the stone ground that the towers were constructed upon. As you waited for him to finish his inspection, you caught Heimdall admiring the ornate gold decorations inlaid across the tower walls. You smiled, recalling one of your recent get-togethers where he mentioned an interest in architecture. Asgard was his favorite, of course, but he had studied the structural feats of the other realms as well. Apparently light elf crafts were ones he respected. You whispered to him, "You? Liking the gold accents? I never would have guessed." You pointed to the gold on his clothing with a smirk. Gold was definitely his favorite color.

"You? Too daft to appreciate it? How shocking," he countered, nodding at the empty path ahead of them to tell you to drop it and keep going. You complied, but not before snickering at his annoyance.

You snuck through the garden and your trepidation only increased as you got closer and closer to the three towers in the center. The garden had ended and there was mostly bare stone surrounding the towers, leaving little cover for you to use. Worst of all, these central towers were also the ones that would be a problem — for you. There was a flower bed with a final bush with pink glowing flowers scattered across it that shielded you from the three central towers, where you confirmed that you were, in fact, going to have to breach the one on the left. A sigh escaped you. Your instincts were screaming to turn back, not to take the risk. 

Heimdall sensed it. "Something special about this one?"

"No." Only half true. It wasn't special compared to the central tower, where the highest officials and overseers stayed and worked, but it was special to you. "But it is heavily guarded."

"And nothing to hide behind." Heimdall hummed, thoughtful. "I could use realm shifts to strike them down before they see us."

You almost groaned. He had to be confrontational, didn't he? "You could, but what will we do when their bodies are inevitably found?" He only shrugged, not really caring enough to reconsider. The death of a few elves here and there didn't trouble him, so long as you accomplished your goal. "Let's do this instead." You reached back to him, then paused. Something in you was just…nervous about the contact. You had to shake it off. 

Heimdall was surprised when you grabbed his hand, nearly flinching. If you hadn't held up your other hand like you were swearing an oath he would have belittled you to hide the tingling in his fingers. Your golden magic leaked from your palm and encapsulated you in sparkles, then he saw his form becoming translucent, like he was disappearing. He opened his mouth to question what this was but you shook your head, mouthing "quiet" to him. You cautiously advanced, taking him with you and leading him through the open stone courtyard. Heimdall saw a sentinel floating gracefully across the ground and he automatically reached for his sword. You were clearly in the sentinel's sights, but you merely slowed. You stopped completely at a fountain with gold borders and a blue crystal at the spewing water's peak. The sentinel approached you, passing right in front of you, oblivious to your presence next to him. You were invisible to him, making Heimdall wonder why you had stopped. It was then he noticed it. Your shadows, casted by the light from the fountain's crystal — that would explain why you had never used this before, and why you stopped before your shadows were in the guard's line of sight. After he was gone you tugged Heimdall to the metal doors and pushed them open. Inside was the empty foyer, decorated by hanging plants and statues of prominent elves. You finally released his hand as the one casting the spell lowered, returning yourselves to normal. A sliver of disappointment flared up in him at the loss.

"You never mentioned that trick," Heimdall said with a raised brow. Unlike your earlier days he wasn't alarmed. Considering you could copy any magic you understood, a simple spell to conceal you was far from the most baffling.

You brushed it off, thinking nothing of it. "It's just a type of protection stave that conceals things from sight. The elves taught me that one, but they hardly use it."

He huffed. A spell that could conceal sight, but not sound or shadow. Given the bright torches inside you couldn't even use it while you roamed the tower regardless of the time of day. It really was next to useless. "Why would they bother teaching something so limited?"

You had to hold back a laugh, having asked the same question long ago. "Elves like tradition, and that spell is part of their training." Heimdall looked displeased at the answer, shaking his head as he thought about how ridiculous elven customs were.

You tiptoed past the foyer and into a short hallway, stopping at the end to peer into the wide circular room. A common area filled with tables and bookshelves, many of them small. You remembered this room well, where all the little elves would go through their morning routines before their lessons began. Empty at this time of day, the childrens' curfew having already passed. It was perfect for you and Heimdall, leaving you completely alone for the time being. After your inspection, you cautiously approached the stairs that wound up the wall. If you went up more than a few levels it was likely you would find the caretakers along your path.

You prayed that the one elf you were afraid of running into was in another part of the temple for once.

"Is there anyone around?" You whispered to Heimdall.

"Not at the moment."

Good. You ascended the white marble stairs, the bright blue lights casting your shadows across the steps. The hanging potted plants smelled so welcoming, memories of watering them filling your mind. It was so much easier back then. The temple was safe enough that the war was never a concern, your worries consisted of which books you could read and which elf you got to play with. And why you were such an outlier among the other children, of course. The elves never tried to convince you that you were something you were not, but it was still puzzling as a child who didn't understand how you came to be in Alfheim. 

It didn’t matter now. Things change when people grow up, and you made your choice to leave. You focused on your task, stopping at each floor to see if Heimdall could detect any passing elves. There were a few close calls when an elf or two would exit one room and enter another. Luckily none of them needed to reach a lower floor. Your fortune would only last so long if you continued climbing. The higher levels were reserved for special vaults and offices, places that required authorization to enter. If the relic was in one of those rooms…you would certainly have to renounce your stealthy tactics.

You climbed and climbed, thankful for every time an elf coincidentally avoided you. It was after you reached the fifteenth floor that you felt the tension rising. 

Then you reached the twentieth. That was where the sparkling path guiding you veered away from the stairs. You cursed to yourself.

Heimdall followed you as you slowly dragged your feet to the door it led to, picking up on the terror building in you. You stopped in front of the white doors with a blue symbol painted on them and framed with gold. Heimdall recognized the painting as Freyr's family crest, making him snort. "Their obsessions are so subtle." You didn’t answer. A bad sign considering you almost always countered his sarcasm. He followed your gaze to the metal apparatus mounted on the wall beside the door. A blue crystal was settled into it, the glow in the center very faint. 

"Only high ranking elves can enter these rooms. They're the only ones who know the magic that can deactivate these locks." Explained mechanically, like you were holding back every bit of emotion in you.

"Is that really a problem for you?" Heimdall didn’t need to ask. He could feel your intention to unlock the door, but you were reluctant. Scared.

A sigh escaped you. "No, but we won't go unnoticed once we're inside. We need to be quick."

Heimdall wanted to tell you to hurry up and do it. Instead he held his tongue. To mock you when he knew you were terrified of whatever you might find felt…inappropriate. Cruel, even, despite the fact that he would have no problem imposing cruelty on anyone else. Before he could linger on it he simply replied, "Then we'll call Muninn once we have it."

You nodded. You channeled your magic into the golden form of an elf you hadn't seen for many years, but could still recall clearly. Your encased hand reached for the door's lock, holding it over the crystal embedded in it. Within a few moments the light within grew until the crystal was pure white, and once it was, there was a distinct click from the doors. They parted on their own as you dismissed the stave around you.

You made haste, scanning the room for what you needed. The first section was a simple round room, filled with shelves of relics and tributes to times of Freyr's reign over the realm. Another set of doors was on the other side of the room, locked with the same mechanism as the first. A sigh escaped you when you saw the path disappear beneath them.

Heimdall was close behind as you approached it and used the same process to unlock the next door. Everything in the room was made of fine metals, jewels, ancient tokens from Vanaheim. That was why a simple rock caught his eye. The only distinguishing thing about it was the childlike carvings on the surface. He picked it up and chuckled at it just as the next set of doors opened. "You weren't kidding."

You turned around, finding a familiar stone in his hands. It was the one you carved Freyr's name into to trick the matron. He remembered it from the silly story you told him during your second tour of Gladsheim. The thought made you smile in spite of the worry gnawing at you. "You thought I lied?"

"It's just even more ridiculous in person," he commented while replacing the rock. Then he froze, eyes flying to the entrance. "Someone's coming."

Your heart nearly stopped. "We need to move!" You scurried through the door and didn't wait for it to close before rushing forward. The short hallway led to the main room of the vault, a long rectangular area that curved slightly to match the round tower's form. It was similar to the last one, with old books and trinkets displayed on shelves, only this one had more tributes to Freyr, including a giant statue of him holding out his sword. You grew even more exasperated when the trail you were following went down the longer hallway at the other side, where the most valuable keepsakes were stored.

You only got three quarters of the way across when Heimdall grabbed your arm. "We're out of time," he stated, eyes glued to the nearby wall. You didn’t look. You were too scared.

"Little one." Said in the elven tongue.

Every muscle in your body seized up at the voice. Shame creeped through your veins, like a child caught stealing sweets before dinner. Slowly you turned around, meeting the old elf's eyes.

"Ragnheiðr," you mumbled. The fortress's matron, the one who cared for all the elven children that lived and trained there. The elf that raised you as if you were one of them. The closest thing to a parent you'd ever known. Ragnheiðr was unmistakable even to those who hadn't met her. The robes she wore were not like the white and gold ones the light elves typically wore. These were a deep blue and gold, signaling her status as the mother figure and mentor to elven children, and therefore deserving of the highest respect. As peaceful as her role made her seam, she was just as well trained as any warrior, evident by the two blades in her hands. 

A gateway of blue light was flush with the wall behind her, where more light elves emerged, all armed and ready to attack the intruders. Ragnheiðr had other plans than an outright attack. "Keep him busy," she commanded, gaze never leaving you. The guards pounced on Heimdall, who shoved you away from him as he effortlessly countered the elves that went directly for him. More elves filtered from the wall of light to fend him off while Ragnheiðr spoke. "I had heard you abandoned us." Cold. Unforgiving.

You flinched. The matron was a wonderful person, kind and caring to all. When crossed, however, she was stern, authoritative. Causing trouble was taboo for the children that lived here because they were afraid of making her angry. You had to remind yourself to speak the elvish language, having not done so in a long while. "I didn't want to."

Ragnheiðr was disappointed. You could hear it in the strict reprimand. "And yet you did. After we took you in. After I convinced all the others that you were not just a means for outsiders to interfere in our business, and raised you as one of my own. For what? To serve a god that is notorious for his lies?"

You didn’t address that, seeing that Heimdall had already depleted the reinforcements waiting outside the hidden gateway and only had a handful of elves left to deal with. If you didn't defuse this quickly he would go for the matron next. You couldn't allow it. As cruel as the elf's perspective was, you couldn't rob elven children of a caring matron. "I just wanted more than…this." You held out your hand, gesturing to the battle raging just feet from you.

"You were selfish," the matron barked.

That made you lose control. You spent a lifetime dedicating your life to a war that wasn't yours, and yet you were the selfish one? "You have no right to say that! Yes, you took care of me, but in return you made me into an asset. I became whatever you wanted me to be, and it was still not enough. Am I so selfish for wanting a life that meant something to me?"

The matron glanced over at Heimdall. Only three of her elves were left, keeping their distance from the god as much as they could. She went back to you, the matron's sadness slowly fading at the ungrateful attitude she was given. "You think your life has any meaning when you are a tool for someone else?"

A valid question, you knew that. Something in you wanted to believe Ragnheiðr, to remember that you were in Asgard because Odin requested your service. In that regard, nothing had changed.

Then you remembered Heimdall's unintentional advice. Your choices were what gave your life meaning, not the people involved in them. The choice to live in Asgard had brought so much more than you ever had. Sif cared about you as a friend. Thor as well. Baldur thought you were fun, there were several servants who referred to you as a friend rather than their superior. Heimdall…you weren't sure how to describe what he thought of you, but you knew he had no reason to use you. He had been one of the best parts of moving to Asgard. "At least there are people in Asgard who care for me as I am, and not for what I can do for them. Unlike any of you!" You shouted. 

Ragnheiðr was taken aback for just a brief moment, pain flashing through her eyes. In seconds her steely exterior returned, this time enforced with malice. "They were right," she hissed. There was hurt buried within, but it didn't match the level of insolence that had been revealed to the matron. "I should have let them kill you."

Your heart dropped. Your blood ran cold. Time ceased. 

The closest thing to family you had…turned on you instantly. 

Did you really mean that little?

Ragnheiðr reeled a sword back and flung a streak of light at you. You instinctively raised a barrier, the beam reflecting off of it and striking the stone Freyr statue behind you. Even though Heimdall was busy he made sure to keep tabs on your conversation (having learned from missing it last time) and knew things were not going to end well. He withdrew his sword from the final elven footsoldier and saw the statue's sword break free and plummet to the ground, point first, just as the enraged matron lunged for you. He didn't hesitate, speeding to you and pulling you out of the way. Ragnheiðr's slash ended where you had just stood, too engrossed in her fury to watch her surroundings. The broken stone sword tip was directly above her.

Before she could move the stone pierced through her torso, impaling her through the back and exiting out her chest to pin her to the ground. You gasped and shook free from Heimdall, taking a few steps closer as the matron dropped her swords and shook as the life left her. The matron may have cast you aside without any consideration, but this elf was still an unforgettable part of you, and an important caretaker for many others. You may not have wanted to see the matron ever again after this, but you didn't want her to die.

The matron's hand rose, reaching for you. "I…never…" That was all Ragnheiðr could wheeze before she went limp.

Heimdall approached you, shaking his head. He caught the matron's final thought but dismissed it immediately. She was the epitome of the nature of man, too self-absorbed and short sighted, and so ready to put their own gain above all else. He was prepared to say that you shouldn't waste your pity.

He didn't. He stopped when he felt it. At the sound of his footsteps your mind went blank. You had shut him out completely.

Once he was at your side you turned away, never showing your face. He said your name to get your attention.

"We should go," you mumbled. "They always prioritize the children's safety first, so we have time before more come after us." Your words were dry, lifeless.

When you turned away and went down the final hallway Heimdall felt it come back. The worry. He still hated it, something in the back of his mind was ready to rant about how it was such a useless emotion. Everything at the forefront, however, didn't care, only watching your back as you refused to let him see what you were thinking, pretending that he wasn't right behind you.

He called out your name again, attempting to bring you out of your shell. He got no response, but even if he did, what would he say? What did he do? The best he could think of was to point out how easily you had been torn down, how poorly you were handling it. Not to bring you down, but because it was frustrating to see the fire in you simmer down into mere ash. 

You reached an elevator, round with a marble floor and gold railing, poised to go up the shaft and into the inner sanctum of the vault. You stepped on first, Heimdall following and pulling the crank to activate it. You were hiding your face, refusing to look at him.

He tried to force it. He moved to catch your eyes so he could see if there was anything he could pick up, but every time you sharply turned away. After the third attempt he felt the anger rising. You'd made so much progress, had started showing the world the parts of you that made you better than everyone else, and now you were throwing that away completely? Over this?

His teeth clenched with mounting irritation. Why couldn't you just let him in? Why did you have to shut him out, prevent him from using the only means of seeing exactly what was holding you down? Why wouldn't you tell him what's wrong so he could say something?

Wait, what?

He shook his head. Did he even have to say anything? Did he need to? 

He felt like he should. 

The mounting questions agitated him even more, so much that they boiled over once the elevator reached the top and came to a stop. "Is this really all it takes? One little slip and suddenly you're pathetically wallowing in self-pity?"

Nothing. Not even a spark of anger like the first time.

He'd had enough when you tried to pass him as he stood next to the break in the lift's railing. He held out an arm to stop you. "Nothing to say?" he snapped.

No.

"Answer me."

Still nothing. No holes in the barrier around your mind, no words to share.

His agitation got the better of him and he lifted a hand to your chin, gripping it and harshly turning your face towards his, determined to claw his way into your thoughts if he had to.

An action he would regret. 

You were weeping. 

Whatever fight was left in Heimdall vanished and the fury in his face was extinguished instantly. He didn't do anything to keep you from tearing your face away and drifted off without a word. No complaints, no retaliation. You just left him behind, doing your best to discreetly rub the tears from your cheeks.

Heimdall cursed under his breath as he watched you go. He despised his thoughts, consumed with the idea that he had wrongly assumed you had fallen apart when you were actually using all your power to hold yourself together. You were strong enough to do that, and he was the one that forgot, not you.

If he thought worry was a terrible thing, it was nothing compared to guilt. The heavy, frigid, piercing guilt that was burying his soul. It had an iron grip on him, like it was trying to tear his heart out.

Never had he felt this. He had been ashamed of his failures in the past, but guilty for what he said to someone? Never.

He said nothing more as you led the way, no other criticism, no attempt at anything else. It was like his tongue had been paralyzed. Once you reached the end of the short hallway, you were in a small room, finely decorated and containing only a few shelves that were dressed up as altars. In the center was a gold tablet with runes carved into it, telling a story about Freyr based on the title. To the left of it, on a wall mounted shelf, was the fragment you were searching for. As you took it down Heimdall sneered at it. There was a symbol of Vanaheim carved into it. Apparently that was enough for the elves to think it held any significance. Lost fools, the lot of them.

As if on cue, there was a ruckus behind you, signaling the coming of more elves. Muninn also had impeccable timing, flying into the window high above your heads. You didn’t acknowledge the bird, still lost in thought. Heimdall looked between the bird and you, knowing this was not an optimal time for a report. He had to do something…

He wasn't sure if he was doing this for Odin or you.

You didn’t hear Heimdall give the raven specific instructions and barely registered the black vortex swallowing you up. Your eyes rose, expecting to see Odin. Instead you were met with the door to his study. Heimdall held up a hand to prevent you from opening it and calmly instructed, "Gather yourself." Never had he sounded so gentle.

You looked up at him, seeing something completely different in his eyes.

Patience.

A portion of your stress was relieved, knowing he was making sure you could get out of this as soon as possible. You took a deep, shaky breath, closing your eyes to focus on the moment. After a few seconds you nodded, indicating that you were steady. 

Heimdall opened the door and Odin greeted you, not mentioning your lack of enthusiasm. There was a part of Heimdall, buried deep in his mind, that was almost…incensed that his superior didn't even notice. His trust in Odin overshadowed it so quickly that he barely even recognized it, like something in him chased it away of its own free will. 

You were dismissed, but Odin requested Heimdall stay to complete an errand before returning to his usual routine. He did not dispute the order, but his eyes did follow your slouched form as you left.

The worry didn't cease.

He'd never rushed through his work. Every task was carried out carefully and efficiently, every time. That day was the very first he would rather check off everything on his list just to say he did it. He wanted to find you, and the need to do so was eating him alive.

The Aesir found you back at your hideaway. A good sign — that meant you weren't avoiding him. You were dejectedly plucking at your lyre. The song was barely recognizable, out of tune and off beat. You were even stopping completely at some points, your head somewhere else. 

Heimdall hid behind the rock he used every time he visited before they were comfortable with each other. He'd been there for several minutes, interrogating himself. What was he doing? Why was he so set on intervening? 

Because you would do the same for him. Because he hated seeing you like this. Because knowing you were so hollow made him ache. Because he wanted to sit and read while you happily played music like you always did. Because he wanted to.

He should have just turned around and left. What was he going to do? Just fix something he couldn't control? What was the point? Surely you would move on eventually. Cheering you up wasn't his problem. 

Yet he stood there, book tucked away in his belt and having no idea what he would do once he revealed himself. In the end he just sighed in frustration. These things were so much easier to deal with when he didn't ask questions. So he stopped. 

Heimdall walked up the rest of the hill, making extra noise so you would know he was coming. You didn’t even look up, unfocused eyes on the empty fire pit in front of you. He just stood next to you for a bit, waiting for you to notice he was even there. You never did. Heimdall sighed and sat down next to you, the creaking of the wood and shifting of the bench finally snapping you out of your thoughts. At long last your eyes met his, and he saw how soulless they felt. So many words popped into his mind but they disappeared as soon as they came, well before they could be said. He was still left clueless and unsure.

You eventually looked away, going back to sloppily playing the lyre. Your mind was still closed, and you offered no words. A sign that you didn't want to talk about anything just yet.

Again, he should have left as soon as he realized he wouldn't get anything out of you.

But he stayed. He just took out his book and started reading until it was dark and you both had to leave. Heimdall offered to call Gulltoppr to take you back to the center of the city. You refused with a silent shake of your head, and he let you go alone.

Your ritual remained, even if it was quieter than usual. You still went to that spot to play music, and he would meet you there with a book in tow. 

Neither of you spoke. Heimdall didn’t gripe about his day, nor did he try to. He simply sat down next to you, never prying, never asking anything. Just there.

You did this for days. The amount of reading Heimdall did decreased with every failed attempt to get you to speak again. Instead he would listen to the broken tunes you played, listening for the times you suddenly stopped and stared into space. Whenever you did, he cleared his throat, shifted, did something discreet that would shake you out of it and get you back to playing, believing that would provide some distraction from whatever was happening inside. Really, he wasn't even there to relax and read anymore. He was just there for you, doing the same thing over and over. Each time Heimdall would come by, sit down by you, pretend to read until it was dark, ask if you wanted to be taken home — which you always refused — and let you leave when you wished.

It was somehow exhausting. His worry kept growing, and his frustration with not knowing how to quell it grew twice as fast. 

Until something changed.

He was at his wits end. Nearly ten days of this and no progress. How could there be when all you two did was sit in silence? The part of him that wanted to give up and go back to his own business was becoming almost too strong to ignore, and he was tired of constantly worrying and wondering what he was supposed to do here. No matter how much he wanted to just stand up and leave like you had never been friends in the first place, he just couldn't do it. Not until he heard you sass him again, until your lyre played the songs he now knew by heart. 

Gods, he wanted to hear you sing.

Then it happened.

"Heimdall?"

He almost jumped. Your voice was so foreign by then that it was almost unrecognizable. But it sounded so wonderful. 

His head turned to acknowledge you with only a raised brow.

"Does it ever get easier?" Your whisper was so small, fragile.

With your mind still hidden from him it took him a moment to consider what you were referring to. Heimdall looked down, unable to say it while watching your expression. "No." 

It was the truth. Even after decades of seeing how conniving and selfish people were, it still irritated him to no end — to see how false they were, how the inside never matched the outside. He raised his eyes to watch your reaction. There was not a glimpse of your mind, but he didn't need his foresight to feel the sorrow and despair that was drowning you. It was gut wrenching to watch, so much so that he spat out the one thing he had disregarded until this point. "If it changes anything…"

Your eyes lifted and he saw the hope in them. He latched onto it like his life depended on it. "The matron's final words that she didn't finish…she wanted to say that she didn't mean any of it."

You blinked at him for a few moments before your gaze fell again, thinking to yourself. Heimdall added, "I'm sure you know what my opinion is about it, but…" he paused, not believing his own words. "Perhaps it helps."

Another change. This one made him sit up straighter, he was so shocked.

Your thoughts. They were still blocked but he felt a tiny sliver of them. You were letting him in, just a little bit. That's how he saw that, for once, you agreed with him. 

The matron's final words didn't mean anything. They didn't line up with her actions, which meant her regrets were a result of distaste for the consequences. They weren't real. 

As much as Heimdall liked to be right and have others know it, the sinking of your spirits robbed him of whatever satisfaction he could have had.

He moved without thinking. Heimdall pushed himself just a little to his left, scooting closer to you. You'd never been this close before, so close that your knees were just barely touching. The contact had more of an effect than he expected, evidenced by the crack in the walls around your mind. You shifted just a little closer, your shoulders now side by side.

For the first time since you had gone silent he felt relieved and at ease.

A couple hours later, once it was around the time you usually went your separate ways, Heimdall followed you to the base of the hill, where he left Gulltoppr to wait for him.

"Need an escort this time?" Heimdall asked, his usual smirk making its first appearance. 

The air in his lungs grew twice as hot when you gave just a hint of a smile and spoke once again. "Maybe. But I feel like walking back." You thanked him and went on your way, wanting to use the time to think. Heimdall should have hopped on Gulltoppr and left you alone. Yet once again, it felt wrong, like he was skipping out on something he needed to do. 

Well, not thinking had gotten him this far. 

You were almost trapped in your own mind again when Gulltoppr lumbered past you, Heimdall absent. You stared, puzzled until Heimdall appeared next to you. His sincere grin nearly made your heart skip a beat. "Gulltoppr isn't required for an escort."

You smiled brightly and looked down, feeling very shy. "The watchman himself degraded by a simple escort? You must really be bored."

There. There it was, that quick wit and sharp tongue that even he had a hard time matching. That flame within you was coming back to life. How he craved its heat.

The following three days were similar, except you let him in just a little more each day. It turned out to be a good exercise for Heimdall, allowing him to practice entering a mind that wasn't wide open for him. He doubted it would be useful in the long run, but it didn't hurt to give it a shot. By the end of the third day he could feel more than you were giving away, which let him know that you were slowly leaving the damage behind. Your music became familiar, the strokes of the lyre's strings and flute's notes more consistent. You exchanged some words, even if they weren't as carefree as they usually were.

Then the fourth day came. 

It was the same as the last few days. You were playing the flute, though still not singing. Your sorrow lingered, leaving you quiet and reluctant to share your thoughts, but not as empty as you had been. You still lacked your usual energy, the spice that made things interesting. Heimdall was reading a book next to you, sitting close enough for your thighs to touch. He was aching to hear you sing, but not willing to soil his pride by asking. Your mind was mostly open, and he had gotten better at clipping its bindings already, which helped him notice that you had something to say. When your song was finished, he said with boredom, "Go on."

Your flute went to your lap and you fiddled with the engravings along the bone structure, nervous. Heimdall could have looked over at you and into your eyes to find out for himself if you gave him enough time to dig in, but instead he chose tolerance. It took a few minutes for you to get it out. "I just…I wanted to thank you."

"For…?" He didn’t look up from the page he was reading.

"For doing this."

Purple eyes lifted to meet yours. You thought he had done something? Despite the fact that he had been sitting there thinking he was wasting time for days? He stretched out the fingers that weren't needed to stabilize his book like he was gesturing to his current position. "I wouldn't say I've done anything."

You shrugged, a small smile appearing while you looked down. "No, but…" you bit your lip timidly, hesitating. "You were here. And that's enough."

That was enough?

That was it? He just had to sit next to you and that was all you wanted from him? All you needed? It wasn't even necessary to say anything, to even try to make any difference? It was that simple?

Of course it was. You'd always been like this.

Your irises rose once more, and while looking into your mind he saw it, clear as day. Yes, that was all you wanted. His presence alone was comforting. His presence was special.

Something stirred his stomach in a way that made him feel…nauseous? No, that's not it, it was too pleasant. 

He ripped his gaze away and firmly planted it on the book, pretending that he thought nothing of your unconscious admission. "I don't see why that means anything. It's not as if I was forced to be here."

"Maybe not, but you could have been anywhere else. I'm sure standing on the wall and looking at whatever is on the other side would be nicer than this." He disagreed entirely. Your music, even if disjointed, was still so soothing. Even if there was no music, he just felt better when he checked on you.

He didn’t need to tell you that, though. You didn't need to know he was doing any of this for anyone other than himself. Putting on the most detached and uninterested tone, he drawled, "Does it matter if—" Then it hit him. Suddenly he was appalled, staring at you like you had sprouted horns. "What?"

You almost cowered at the dramatic reaction. "What?"

"What did you say?"

"That you could have been on the wall?"

"Looking at 'whatever is on the other side?'"

"...yes?"

"You haven't seen the Plains of Ida? After this long in Asgard?"

For a moment you thought he was just being his typical theatrical self, but by the level of offense on his face you could see he was serious. With a sheepish shrug you said, "I've seen it from the realm tower."

Heimdal harshly scoffed, "That's a terrible view, Tyr's worthless temple is in the way."

"Is it really that different?"

Unbelievable. Absolutely unacceptable. The finest scenery in the realm, the splendor of Asgard on full display, and you hadn't seen it? It was a crime to him, that someone like yourself hadn't gotten the full scope of his home's beauty.

Why hadn't he thought of this remedy before?

Heimdall snapped the book shut and stood with an exaggerated sigh. "Well, come on then." He headed down the path without any explanation.

You nearly stumbled trying to catch up while you returned your flute to its pouch and tied it to your belt. "Where are we going?"

"Where else?"

"To the wall? Why?"

You reached the base of the hill, the shadows from the low hanging sun stretching across the grass. Gulltoppr heard the approaching footsteps, stirring from his nap and stretching. "I refuse to associate with someone so uncultured."

You grinned. There was his language, covering up that he just wanted to show you something. It was almost cute how hard he tried to hide it. "Is it really considered 'uncultured?' I haven't seen anyone else casually wander up there to enjoy the view." Given Heimdall's association with the wall, it made sense.

Heimdall ordered Gulltoppr to lie on his belly, low enough for you to easily mount. He hopped on, still fussing. "Only the little people remain ignorant." His hand went down to you.

You took it, simply holding it while you looked up and said, "So you don't think I'm a 'little person?'"

He froze, his hand still closed around yours while he scrambled for an excuse. It was incredibly difficult when you looked at him like that, filled with so much innocent embarrassment. He ended up murmuring, "You wouldn't serve All-Father if you were."

You wanted to point out that plenty of these 'little people' did, in fact, serve Odin, even if in small ways. You chose to keep it to yourself, noticing that he was just a little bashful. He wasn't paying much attention either. When he pulled you up to Gulltoppr’s saddle he placed you in front of him this time, your back flush against him. 

And it was really, really comfortable. You hoped his foresight couldn't tell him that you were blushing.

Heimdall seemed to pause, like he had just registered what he did. He played along, acting like it was intentional. It was only a short ride to the secondary lift, this was fine.

It was fine.

It was not fine.

It was…great.

Your hair brushing his neck in the wind, your hand grasping his wrist to steady yourself when Gulltoppr stepped over uneven ground, feeling you lean back into him for no reason he could pick out. Reading you, seeing the steady climb in your mental state the longer you were against him. 

Why had he never done this before? Why was he so wary when it felt this good?

Gulltoppr's heavy steps ceased in front of the lift. This one was smaller, going straight up the side of the wall. It rested on a wooden platform with a short set of stairs leading to it,  similar to the main lift that connected the wall to the heart of Gladsheim. You eyed the barren structure, thinking it didn't look as sturdy as you would like. "I didn't know this was here."

"Most don't." 

Heimdall let you hop off the gradungr before dismounting, going up the stairs without hesitation. You were still concerned. "Does it still work?"

"You accuse me of neglecting it?" Heimdall turned and placed a shocked hand over his chest, as if he had just heard a drunkard ramble about the most vulgar activities. "If anything falls into disrepair, I make it known and ensure it is resolved."

A tiny laugh, tickled by how prideful he was just for bossing people around. "I hardly say you're avoiding neglect by telling someone else to fix it." Heimdall's smile spread so wide that his cheeks hurt. 

Yes. Yes. The fire burned hotter. You were returning to the goddess you were meant to be.

He regained his composure before his delight could become obvious. You climbed the stairs but had yet to join him on the lift. With raised brows Heimdall asked, "Are you coming? Or did you require a formal invitation?"

You rolled your eyes. "Don't."

It was too late. Heimdall cleared his throat, back straightening into a priggish posture. Loudly and dramatically, so much so that it was clearly satirical, he announced, "The Scion of the Aesir hereby formally invites the goddess before him to board this elevator so that we may finally get on with this!"

Your hand flew to your face in exasperation, sighing at how ridiculous he had to be. "I get it, you can stop now." You pushed past him, your laughter almost as full as it had always been. Heimdall felt a surge of accomplishment course through him at the sound, nearly stunned by it. Now that it had been so long since he heard it, it was so much more fulfilling. He bottled it up and swallowed the excitement, turning the lever that activated the lift, prompting the rickety wood to ascend. Heimdall knew it would take a few minutes and made himself comfortable by leaning against the wooden railing. This lift was smaller than the main one, big enough for only a few people at once. Despite that, you abandoned the space you claimed to join him, standing much closer than you needed to. He had to consciously refrain from looking at you, forcing himself to appear indifferent. 

Wood creaked as the lift came to a halt, much smoother and more stable than you expected, thankfully. Heimdall exited first, leading you onto the cold stone peak of the wall. Never had you feared heights, but not even your ability to conjure valkyrie wings prevented the shiver from running up your spine when you looked down the lift you had just ridden. You scampered away, closing the short distance Heimdall had put between you.

At the edge of the wall there were giant boulders that were carved into more rectangular shapes, like they were bricks that were abandoned when the wall was finished. One laid on its longer side, its width rising high enough to meet the base of you ribcage. Heimdall stopped just shy of this stone and turned to you, nodding his head towards the precipice. You followed his lead, cautious of approaching the edge. It wasn't as if there was any secret as to what was on the other side, or that there was any danger of accidentally falling given the large barriers on this section of the wall. All that caused your hesitation was the anticipation.

With a few more strides your eyes finally met the valley below, growing wide as your jaw dropped. The plains were absolutely gorgeous, littered with a maze of streams and rivers, the rich green landscape having orange highlights and heavy shadows from the sunset. The rainbow bridge, spawning far to the right, glowed a beautiful white with glittering colors, stretching into the clouds and disappearing over the stout mountains in the distance. Unbeknownst to you, Heimdall was pleased by your reaction. You had arrived not too long before nightfall, when you could see the sparkling colors of the light bridge reflecting in the rivers across the plains. He couldn't wait to see your eyes light up at the sight.

"This is…amazing!" You gasped, placing your hands on the stone brick. "You see this every day?"

Heimdall chuckled, joining you in gazing at the beauty of Asgard. "It never gets old," he sighed in wonder, resting his elbows on the stone. For you, it was yet another reminder that Heimdall truly adored his home.

"And you'll let me stay long enough to see the bridge after it gets dark?" You asked, phrasing it as a joke, but you really did hope you were allowed to stay that long. It would likely be about an hour until then.

Heimdall hummed, pretending the answer required serious consideration. "I suppose. It's not every day I permit someone to remain on my wall."

An embarrassing snort left you before you could stop it. "Your wall?"

Purple eyes met yours, standing up straight and smirking like the arrogant man he was. "My wall."

"Isn't it Asgard’s wall?"

"The wall is in Asgard, true." He slowly paced next to you, holding out his arms as you watched him in amusement. "But it is my presence that hangs in the air, the stone worn down by my boots."

Unimpressed, you droned, "Poetic, but not convincing."

Heimdall rejoined you, retaining his earlier position. "I could push you off."

He received a playful glare that he reveled in. "You wouldn't dare. You know I'd take you with me."

Your snickers rang together, dying down and blending into the silence. There was nothing more to say. It was simply two souls admiring the land as it faded into serene darkness, the light of the bifrost bridge showering the field with rainbow specks of light. It was so comfortable, so natural. Heimdall was more content than he had been in…well, he couldn't even remember how long.

Over time he felt things change. Your mind began to wander, returning to the melancholy that had consumed you over the past couple weeks. Heimdall's chest grew tight when he noticed it. He was back to square one, wondering what he was supposed to do with something like this. Yes, you had made it clear that he didn't necessarily need to do anything, but staying idle while you slowly sunk into your gloom did nothing to convince him that was true. It made him feel helpless in a way, and that he despised more than anything. To think, all this was because of that damned elf who was too shortsighted and greedy to see beyond her own needs and wants, too blind to recognize just how remarkable you were.

It inspired a train of thought, one that he voiced before he could bury it. "Don't doubt your value."

You froze, shocked at the statement, but even more so at how soft and sincere his tone was.

"Asgard attracts everyone, but only grants entry to the ones who matter," he continued, eyes refusing to meet yours, lest he start to actually think about what he was saying out loud. "You are one of those it has deemed worthy. You are someone that matters. Don't let another take that away from you."

There. He said it, now it was over. The urge to just turn around and leave was almost impossible to resist. It was so tempting to just walk away and pretend this never happened, avoid you while the memory of this moment faded into oblivion. But no. He wouldn't be a coward about this. He said what needed to be said. The truth was spoken. There was no reason to run away from that.

Even so, his stomach twisted in knots when he felt the elation his words gave you. You were so relieved, so elevated, so overjoyed to hear someone — to hear him say it. He didn't look at you but he could feel your irises staring at his profile with a bright grin. "That…was very sweet, Heimdall." You sensed his sudden discomfort and defaulted to behaviors that he was more familiar with, your smile morphing into a smirk. "I'm not sure if you're just playing with me."

Heimdall finally looked your way, brow furrowing in vexation. He immediately wished he didn't. The endearment in your expression made him tingle. "I always say what I mean, you know that." Try as he might, he couldn't keep it from sounding breathy.

You didn’t miss a beat, though your voice became airy as well. "You do. But you just came out and said it. You didn't say it in your 'special language' this time."

He groaned, ripping his eyes away. "That's because it doesn't exist."

"It certainly does." The giggle that followed seemed to lift a weight off of his shoulders.

"Don't get used to it. I merely said it so you would move on. It'll keep you out of the way in the future." As flat and condescending as it sounded, he truly hoped that wouldn't happen.

You rested your chin on your hand, thinking. "I don't know about that. Now that I've seen how nice it is up here, I might come back sometime. Maybe pay you a visit while you're hard at work."

That sounded…perfect. He wanted you to keep that promise. As a result he couldn't say anything to refute it, or come up with any excuse for rejecting your whims. If he did he would be lying, and you were the last — well, second to last person he would ever lie to. 

So he said nothing.

His lack of response caught your attention. You took on a more carefree spirit, grinning at him while saying, "I think I just figured out another part of your 'language.'" Heimdall huffed, deciding to let you go on about whatever nonsense you were thinking. "You won't lie, but you won't say certain things, so you rephrase them in a way that protects your image."

"Image?"

"However," you continued, ignoring the repulsed interruption. "If you can't rephrase what you want to say to sound more like the jerk you are, you just say nothing."

Ice seeped into his veins.

"Am I right?"

Yes…you were exactly right. He just admitted that internally.

"Which is why you called me uncultured, even though you just brought me here to cheer me up…which worked, by the way."

Nothing.

Quieter this time. "And why you won't say you don't want me to come back here?"

Not a word.

Silence from both of you. You couldn't keep a smile off of your face. Here was this god, so sure of himself, prideful, and brutal in many ways, yet when he had a reason to show even a sliver of kindness he retreated into a flimsy shell, all because he wasn't willing to pretend he didn't actually care. It was, despite how much he would hate the term, adorable. There were these pockets of gold that he had buried deep in his heart, and the more of them you stumbled upon, the more you wanted to free them from their confines. But for once — for the first time — he revealed them first, solely because he didn't want you to be crestfallen any longer.

No one would ever believe it if you said it, but he could be a caring man if he wanted to. And on this night, he wanted to. He wanted to care for you.

You stepped back from the rocks, the course of your thoughts amplifying how touched you were by his efforts. It must have been daunting, even for him, to take that leap of faith and trust you with his care — care that he found no other worthy of — and yet he did it anyway. 

You turned to face him completely. Heimdall eyed you, tentatively mirroring your action. 

Then it happened. He felt it coming. He saw that you were going to do it.

He let it happen.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled yourself close, burying your face in his neck. Heimdall stood there, stiff as stone, arms hanging dumbly at his sides. He didn't move a single muscle. He couldn't even if he tried. All he could do was remain trapped in unseen shackles while you held him. 

It felt…heavenly.

Gods, it was so warm and welcoming, so genuine and gentle, so tender and affectionate. It was so…so…

He couldn't even begin to describe it. The surge of heat through his bones, the electricity barreling over his skin, the rapid beating of his heart. It was so much, so overwhelming. He didn't want it to stop.

"Thank you." That was all you said, dampened by your closeness, but just as sincere. Again, he was left unaware of what he was supposed to do. So he trusted his automatic, thoughtless reaction.

Heimdall's hands raised slowly, stopping a few times on their way up your torso. He hesitated one last time, his hands just inches away from you. His fingers were trembling, completely overtaken by the desire rising in him. He gave in. His hands settled on your back, barely touching you at first. Then something inside him took over, firmly pressing his hands into your clothes, bringing you closer to him.

Why hadn't he done this sooner?

He felt a joy radiate from you, so delighted that he returned the gesture. Whatever leftover sadness you hid was swept away, leaving you to bask in his touch unhindered. You enjoyed this…just as much as he did.

He loved that.

The still air was broken by your tiny voice, just barely above a whisper. "What can I do?" You felt him look down at you a little more, confused. "To thank you."

It felt insane to him. You thought this moment wasn't enough. As much as he didn't want to say it, even to himself, it definitely was.

That wasn't what came out. His next line was completely out of his control. "I don't need anything, Songbird."

There it was again. That one comparison that had now become a nickname. It was unintentional, the possibility never crossing his mind until he said it. Now he wanted to use it all the time.

Maybe he would. A gust of happiness overflowed from your being and through his foresight. You were just as happy with it. 

It also gave you an idea.

You started singing.

How long had it been? It felt like ages. Lifetimes. Your voice was muffled by his chest, but just as rich, just as divine. It was his favorite piece. Truly he liked all of your songs, but this one made him forget the world existed and let him bathe in serenity. He did just that, his neck finally relaxing and letting his nose rest in your hair.

It was there, relishing in your warmth as he held you close, listening to your sweet voice, that he knew. He knew and he accepted.

He didn't just like you.

He wasn't just fond of you.

He wanted you.

The raven departed to return to its master. Huginn had seen enough.

[seventeenlovesthree]

And a follow up ask: how would you describe the differences and similarities between Koushiro and Iori (as they are my 2 favorites of the Adventure 01 and 02 kids)

Since we were already talking about Iori's traditional upbringing vs. Koushirou's self-imposed correctness causing both of them to be overly polite, I will try to dig into this a little deeper. I was looking for a screenshot of them together, but then I found this pic, which I've never seen before, so I'm gonna use that one:

About their similarities:

Since Iori is meant to be the heir of the Crest of Knowledge, they're both initially shown to be equally curious people. They both wonder about the whereabouts of the Digital World, what the Chosen Children business is all about - and that's where Koushirou himself notices Iori being a great kouhai for himself, so he offers him advice and guidance whenever he needs it. So yes - the easiest comparison to make is that they're both smart and coming up with ideas that help the others along.

On a purely physical level, when they're initially introduced, they're among the youngest AND shortest members of their respective groups. And it is yet to be seen whether they'll actually surpass any other of the male characters in height.

They're both not only very polite in their speech and approach patterns overall, but also highly responsible, studious, goal-oriented and resourceful and want to do things right - to the point of losing themselves in details and (self) doubts, when things are not going according to plan.

They both have strong moral codes, are very kind at heart and highly opinionated; they definitely know what they don't like (and are more or less able to put their feet down about it, but sometimes they get overlooked by others, unfortunately).

Despite usually being level-headed, they can both get snappy/angry/witty (read: EMOTIONAL) if someone annoys them/grinds their gears.

In regards to the former point: Something they have in common I wish didn't exist to that extent is that official art tends to depict them as "too emotionless" - which definitely contradicts their multi-faceted personalities in the anime. Yes, as mentioned, they are more level-headed and calm, less outgoing than other characters - but they can have their cheerful moments with the people closest to them (including their Digimon partners and characters such as Taichi and Takeru).

Family and their bonds mean more to them than one might assume at first, since they are generally more closed-off about their private issues.

Also very similar in choosing simple, work/school-compliant clothing (read: shirt, pants, tie, nothing TOO colourful, even if they have preferences in their colours being either more muted or autumn-based).

About their differences:

As mentioned above, they are both highly curious in nature - however, when it comes to the things they want to figure out, their approaches are a little different. While Koushirou approaches everything in a mostly rational manner, Iori's questions are a little more philosophical. While he tries to be rational too, his black-white thinking tends to actually cause him to be more emotional than he'd like to. (Which shouldn't be surprising if you encounter artificially created Digimon that destruct everything mindlessly while asking about the meaning of life... Granted, Koushirou approached an entity like that too, but he ALSO tried to answer to that one more rationally...)

Despite their polite attitudes, the respective origins of their behaviours are a little different. Koushirou's politeness was self-imposed, he forced himself to act like "the perfect son" towards his adoptive parents, not knowing why he was adopted, who his biological parents were, who he even was, and so he kept a distance to everyone else, not knowing how to interact or let alone understand others when he didn't even understand himself. When he reconciled with his adoptive parents, they let him know that he could be what- and whovever he wanted to be and he's still be loved. While Iori's biological father had passed away as well, he was mainly raised in a very traditional household, being taught the customs of kendo - and developing a very black-and-white-ish moral code at first. He may have a hard time understanding other's reasonings if they don't align well with his own - but that also applies to Koushirou if somebody is not acting in reasonable ways. So something I would assign to both of them again is that they slowly but steadily have to learn to pick up cues and to be more compassionate and less rational due to their experiences. Basically - the people they willingly surround themselves with FORCE them both to think outside the box naturally.

They're both overthinkers, mainly keep their emotional states to themselves - however, if Iori bursts out, he absolutely DOES burst out. Koushirou on the other hand is more prone to ramble and talk about non-emotional things he actually wants others to know about, whereas Iori is not that generally chatty at all.

Despite "The Beginning" suggesting otherwise, Iori used to be depicted as being not very computer-crazy - he had a computer, yes, but Miyako was the one who fixed it a lot and used laptop usually, paralleling Koushirou more closely in that regard.

Speaking of "The Beginning", it can be assumed that Iori is more athletic at this point in time in comparison to Koushirou - not to call the latter an office-dweller, especially since he DOES coordinate the Chosen Children business and may participate in that as well. But Iori, despite studying hard to become a lawyer, is definitely actively putting in the energy to stay physically fit as well with kendo training.

Tl;dr, I'm not sure if that makes sense and I hope I didn't forget anything crucial.

[queerprayers]

i'd really like to compliment the thoughtfulness and generosity of thought and time on your blog, first of all. i spent a lot of time reading it today, and it resonated with me a lot. i was raised by two atheists who are smart people in many ways but live in the 'all organized religion is dum and evil' camp. i've had to unlearn their beliefs/fight them on antisemitism and islamophobia for most of my adolescence and adulthood. in terms of personal faith, i have firmly believed for a long time that 'there is no god' is an ontologically unprovable belief that i could never feel comfortable espousing, but i still never understood the purpose of organized or personal worship until the last month. it took me many years that get that god is not an authoritarian dad looking over your shoulder and criticizing you but can be something a great deal more unknowable and complicated and on-my-side than that.

but i was wondering: do you have any advice for someone balancing their curiosity about faith and their weird nostalgia about the Rituals of catholic school with their fears that a) they are wishy-washily turning to it just for kicks in a year when they've lost a lot, and shouldn't talk to anyone about it, b) they are just unconsciously emulating their partner, who is a queer catholic with a personal theology they admire. i have always found something religion-shaped in mountains and rivers and the sky and the love of other people, and that's never going to change. but the idea that i could or do want Something Else , and that christian beliefs resonate with me, is scaring me because of all of the identity fluctuations i've ever experienced, it's not one i've thought i'd ever see. it feels like a very scary thing to talk to people about in real life, even though the two closest people in my life would both have a lot to discuss with me about it.

Welcome, beloved! Thank you for your kind words! I pray this will resonate with you as well.

I'm proud of you for working to unlearn some of your parents' beliefs—I really respect people who recognize the harm religion has done, but you're right, you can't condemn it inherently without bigotry/racism. We all have to choose what belief/tradition to take with us, and I admire you so much for recognizing that you'd have to leave that behind. And I love your changing understanding of God—there are many gods I don't believe in, and an authoritarian dad looking over our shoulders to criticize us is one of them! Acknowledging the Mystery is such a beautiful thing.

Curiosity and nostalgia and ritual-seeking are factors that bring a lot of people to faith! Those aren't stupid reasons—they're parts of you that recognize something meaningful there, and want to explore it! Similarly, many people turn to faith when they're hurting. This has definitely been painted in a bad light, but to me it makes so much sense. It's so much easier to claim you understand the universe and everything's rational and knowable, when you're comfortable with where you are and confident in where you're going. Losing things brings a realization of our lack of control, our complete lack of knowledge in how everything works. Seeking more, seeking mystery when we are hurting is a completely reasonable response.

Seeking what we need, like comfort, in faith is not evil. We all need to be comforted, and believing in love is what many hurting people need. This doesn't mean religion is stupid—in fact, the fact that it seems to be the practice best equipped to help hurting people would point to it being one of the most valuable things of all! If a worldview can only accommodate people who are confident/in control/have everything they need, I don't think very much of it at all. (Of course I know there are many nonreligious worldviews that accommodate hurting people, and I respect them. I also know that there is organized religion that will take advantage of those who have lost things, and I condemn that wholeheartedly. Faith at its best, though, welcomes those hurting in a way I rarely see in other places.)

We don't want to create a faith practice that only serves us when we're hurting—but we should always carry our hurting with us as we find what we're looking for. Don't only hurt your way into faith—but bring the loss with you.

Whatever your reasons for being drawn to faith, even if you think they're bad reasons, are real reasons that can serve you. Wanting comfort/ritual is a completely natural response to the world, and finding what you need in practices that are designed for people wanting those things is the perfect reason to come to them!

Many people convert to their partner's religion—obviously there's lots of historical/cultural reasons for this, and in some cases it is out of pressure or because that's just what you do—but it's not crazy and doesn't inherently mean you lack autonomy. Getting to know someone deeply involves learning what they value and how they see things. Loving someone completely means loving those practices and perspectives. I think interfaith relationships are perfectly possible and healthy, but I can't imagine a relationship with someone of a different faith/worldview if I did not love theirs and they loved mine—I have trouble with friendships where that love is not present!

You admiring and caring about your partner and their faith has included listening to and learning about their faith, and seeing how they live it out—it makes complete sense that this draws you to this or similar faiths! You were brought up thinking that this is dumb and evil, and now you're in a relationship with someone who identifies with and practices a faith. Often people don't truly understand religion until they're exposed to someone who has it as part of them.

This is all to say that valuing a practice more because someone you love practices it is, of course, subjective and biased, and it is also beautiful and holy. Every faith is subjective and biased. I am Christian partially because my parents are Christian—because I was brought up in this faith, and it is my home. If you are connecting with something because it's something that's a part of your life (catholic school and now a catholic partner)—that's kind of how connection works? I don't know if that counts as "unconsciously emulating" but like, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with connecting to something so much, seeing it all around you, that you're drawn to it? (My favorite movies consist solely of movies I have seen, and they're all ones I watched at a point in my life when they were meaningful to me. These aren't stupid reasons to like a movie—they're the only reasons to like a movie.)

Honestly if a faith is not something that comforts you, not something that you're drawn to when you experience loss, not something that satisfies desires for ritual, not something that holds your childhood self close but also reflects your changing worldviews, not something that is a part of your life and that you've seen lived out in beautiful ways, I would actually advise against becoming a part of it! I would list these things as essential reasons! It doesn't mean you have to, but it means you have good reasons. This doesn't sound just for kicks—you're thinking about this a lot, and reaching out to someone for advice, and taking it seriously. And many faith changes happen kind of suddenly, anyway—this doesn't sound sudden, but if it was, there are many beautiful examples of people all at once realizing what they're meant for.

"Religion-shaped" is a great phrase! Whether or not you find your way to a specific practice, knowing that you have those connections and appreciations is beautiful and valuable. However your identity changes, whatever practices find their way into your life, you have mountains and rivers and sky and love. You have God, in whatever ways you learn to find Them.

It's acknowledge it's scary to find your way to something your younger self would never have guessed! We surprise ourselves sometimes, and it's terrifying! But I give you permission to be scared and to surprise yourself. To honor who you'd thought you'd be and to change. We know we can't see the future, but we still find ourselves arriving in a future we didn't see and being surprised about it. This change—let it break down more walls. This mystery that's always with you—welcome it as you unlearn and relearn.

Know that you can always change again. That opening up to people about something you might want doesn't mean you always have to want it. That beginning a practice is not a promise to always practice it. That breaking down walls doesn't mean you can never rebuild them, and saying a truth doesn't set it in stone.

It's so often easier to open up to people we don't have a personal relationship with! I'm so grateful that what I write resonates with you, but (sorry) we still don't actually know each other, and you also have the space to be anonymous—that's probably really nice for you right now! Me and most of the queer people I know came out to random people on the internet before people in real life—inherently because we cared about/knew them less. Those we care about most can be the scariest to open up to, because we have the most riding on their response. Of course I encourage you to tell them at least some of what you've told me—it sounds like they'd love to hear about it and would accept these changing parts of you. Don't wait till you have it all figured out to share it—that won't really ever happen, and I'm guessing you'll regret not letting in as you figure it out. But give yourself grace, honor your privacy and time. They're there when you're ready.

It's scary to change, it's scary to question our worldviews, it's scary to admit our vulnerabilities and our need for something greater than ourselves, it's scary that people might think you have bad reasons for your beliefs/choices. But the people that you love you want your fear too. They know you'll change—everyone does. If they only loved you if you stayed static, if you only made logical unbiased decisions, if your circumstances didn't affect what you value—that's not loving a person. It sounds like you trust them and know that they would welcome these questions and want to talk about them. Go to the mountains and the rivers and the sky and go to them, the love of other people. That's where God will be—with you already, walking with you on the road, and there waiting for you. (There's a trinity right there!) Mystery and paradox and comfort and ritual and the simplest and most terrifying thing in the world.

I'm in your corner. I don't know the road ahead of you but I know you have so much beautiful time. I can't see the future but I know it will surprise you. God be with your going out and your coming in, from this time forth forevermore. May your ways be safe and your homecomings joyful. Now we know in part, but someday we will know fully, even as we are fully known, face to face.

<3 Johanna