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our-happygirl500-fan · 1 year

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It’s really interesting to me how Big Mama tailored each of the Turtle’s Battle Nexus New York Matches to line up with things that the Turtle defined themselves by.

Big Mama: Each of you is linked to an enemy and you will need to work together to complete a challenge against one of my Battle Nexus Champions!

In the episode Battle Nexus New York, Big Mama separates the Turtles, forces them to work with an enemy & gives them a challenge to beat but something I find kind of interesting is how personal Big Mama made each challenge regarding the Turtles.

Big Mama: Enjoy wrestling my Troll! Loose and I’ll add your flattened body-boos to my hotel rug collections

At first glance Raph’s Battle Nexus New York match is rather simple, it’s winning a fight & it appears to be geared towards Raph’s love of wrestling to the point where he’s even teaming up with his favourite wrestler Ghost Bear.

Raph: Go Ghost Bear! He’s the greatest ever!

But Raph’s Battle Nexus New York challenge also fits with how Raph is ‘the smashing guy’ of the Mad Dogs, Raph’s Battle Nexus New York challenge almost feels like a commentary on how Raph’s go to strategy is often ‘hit the problem until it stops being a problem’.

Raph: I guess it does double the problem, which means double the smashing

Raph: Here’s the plan, we smash our way in and keep smashing until we’ve smashed that armour piece right into our smashy little hands

Big Mama making Raph’s challenge a wrestling match isn’t just putting Raph’s life in danger with something he loves, it’s also her challenging his strength & his typical go to smashing strategy for solving problems.

Big Mama: You two must satisfy my two headed snakes endless appetite or it’s you chefs who become lunch

Mikey’s Battle Nexus New York challenge seems to line up with his interest in cooking at first glance but the fact that the challenge involves satisfying both heads plays on how Mikey constantly tries to play the therapist or the mediator for his family.

Mikey: Problem Donald?

Mikey: Yay! Everybody’s happy!

Whenever two family members aren’t getting along Mikey typically tries to step in & fix it as seen when he steps in the moment Shelldon & Donnie start arguing in the episode Breaking Purple or how he’s constantly trying to get Splinter & Draxum to get along in the episode Hidden City’s Most Wanted.

Big Mama’s challenge to Mikey isn’t just a test of his cooking skills or his love for cooking, it’s a challenge towards Mikey’s need to try & make everyone happy because Mikey’s challenge involves satisfying BOTH heads.

Big Mama: My Sprite has never smiled and has a wicked temper make her laugh or she’ll burn you worse than a well timed joke, pun intended!

Leo’s Battle Nexus New York Challenge is a direct challenge to Leo’s status as the ‘face man’, something that Leo even picks up on because once he receives the challenge from Big Mama, as he says that making people laugh is ‘his thing’

Leo: Make her laugh? That’s my thing!

Since the earliest episodes its been shown that Leo tends to define himself by his humour using it as both a coping mechanism & trying to define his place on the team with it.

Leo: What I can’t make a joke in the middle of the craziest thing ever? That’s how I cope

Leo: And who doesn’t love my one liners? They fire up the team! Right, guys?

However Leo’s jokes along with a lot of his other actions are primarily masks that he uses to influence both people’s perceptions of him as well as helping Leo trick others into acting in a way he wants. Yes his jokes & his ‘not taking things seriously attitude’ are coping mechanisms but they also help make Leo’s opponents underestimate him which he uses to his advantage, as seen when he was able to outmanoeuvre Big Mama in the episode Many Unhappy Returns

Leo: I’m the face man! People love me!

Big Mama’s challenge to Leo isn’t simply about making Sprite laugh because Leo likes making jokes, it’s about challenging Leo’s ability to manipulate others as it involves getting someone to do something that he wants them to do.

Big Mama: Cortex is the smartest Yokai in the Hidden City and the cruelest loose and he keeps the Turtle in his collection of game pieces

Donnie’s Battle Nexus New York Challenge involves a chess match, seemingly combining Donnie’s love of chess with his need to prove himself as ‘the smart one’. We already knew that Donnie had a love of chess from the episode Mind Meld but what Big Mama might actually be challenging Donnie on is his ability to rely on others

Donnie: Scooch over Hypno, chess is my domain

When Donnie is given his Battle Nexus New York Challenge he immediately tries to take over the situation only to find that he’ll be playing the part of the chess pieces, this is most likely Big Mama making commentary on the fact that Donnie often tries to gain control over certain situations & ‘fix problems’.

Donnie: I think I have a little something to kick our skills into high gear

Donnie: I have created something that will make us unstoppable

In the episodes Donnie’s Gifts & Mind Meld we see Donnie attempt to ‘fix’ his brothers either by trying to correct their ‘flaws’ or by trying to make them more like him. Which shows Donnie’s habit of trying to take control of situations & ‘fix’ what’s gone wrong. Donnie is a fixer so when he sees something that he thinks needs fixing it means that he personally has to fix it.

Donnie: Lightbulb! I have a solution!

The episode Donnie VS Witchtown gave an insight that Donnie doesn’t like leaving problem solving to others because he wants to feel needed & useful, which is why he’s always so desperate to ‘fix’ things that he thinks have gone wrong because that’s how he feels useful so for Donnie it would be difficult to do nothing, because if he lets someone else solve the problem he doesn’t know how to feel useful.

By turning Donnie into a chess piece & making him reply on Hypno to win the game of chess Big Mama is challenging Donnie to put his faith in someone else to solve the problem for him in a situation where Donnie knows he can fix the problem himself.

Donnie: We are victorious Hypno!

At first glance Big Mama’s Battle Nexus New York Challenges to the Turtles seem to line up with the Turtles special interests; Raph’s love of wrestling, Mikey’s love of cooking, Leo’s love of making jokes & Donnie’s love of Chess but in reality Big Mama’s challenging the things that make up the Turtle’s identities.

Big Mama is challenging Raph’s go to smashing strategy, she’s challenging Mikey’s need to be a mediator, she’s challenging Leo’s ability to manipulate others & she’s challenging Donnie on whether he can let other people solve problems he could solve himself. The Battle Nexus New York Challenges are kind of personal & I find that pretty interesting.

#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #teenage mutant ninja turtles #raphael hamato #michelangelo hamato #leonardo hamato #donatello hamato #rottmnt #tmnt

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nottapossum · 4 months

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Itty bitty sinners part 1.3

LEGO HOUSE!

Tw: Implied r*pe and abuse, little in distress, implied abusive relationship, implied child abuse, being called a failure, crying, keeping secrets, hiding ones little headspace, lmk if I should add.

I'm gonna pick up the pieces And build a Lego house When things go wrong we can knock it down My three words have two meanings There's one thing on my mind, it's all for you And it's dark in a cold December But I've got ya to keep me warm And if you're broken I'll mend ya And I keep you sheltered from the storm That's raging on now.' Lego house ~Ed Sheeran.

~~~Sir Pentious and Charlie:~~~

“Okay, Pentious. I feel like the best way to get you to heal is if we start encouraging your regressed self to come out so we can heal that inner child!” Charlie announces.

“How are we supposed to do that?” Pentious asks. “I've never even refresssed before.”

“It's regressed, actually.” Charlie corrects. “And there are many ways to start! Today I think we should take it easy.” She explains. “Do something fun to relax you.”

“Okay? I suppose.” Pentious says. He does trust Charlie, he figures if she wanted to kill him, she already would have, so he has nothing to lose, right?

Charlie and Pentious are in her office for the hotel's very first regression session.

Charlie is no therapist or an expert on regression and healing- but, hey! How hard could it be?

Charlie offers her hand to Pentious, and he takes it.

She walks him over to the small couch and coffee table in the room.

“I got you a gift.” Charlie says, holding up a present wrapped in yellow and blue wrapping paper.

“A gift? For me?!” Pentious asks, his pupils expanded. But he stops himself from taking it. “Wait a minute- how do I know this isn't an explosive of some kind?” He asks.

“It's not.” Charlie says.

“That's exactly what someone who has an explosive would say!” He says. “You can't fool me, miss missy!” He hissed.

Charlie rolls her eyes. “Okay, I'll open it to prove there's nothing to be afraid of.”

“No! I want to open it!” Pentious says, taking the gift and unwrapping it.

“You sure you're not little now?” Charlie mumbles.

“What is this?” Pentious asks.

Under the paper, there was a box with a building of some sort on it, and when he shook it, it made a rattling noise.

“This is a lego set!” Charlie says. “I figured since you love to build, this would be the perfect toy for you.” She says. Charlie takes the box and opens it, pouring its contents onto the table.

“Well, now you've gone and broke my new box.” Pen complains.

“No no no, it's supposed to be opened.” Charlie says. “We follow this instruction manual to put the house together.”

Pentious looked at the colorful blocks with intrigue. “And this will help me ‘regress’ as you say?” He asks, adding quotation marks around the word ‘regress’.

“Can't hurt to try.” Charlie says. “Now, If you'd like, I can help you, but if you would rather do it yourself, that's okay too.”

“I…” Pentious thought about it for a moment but then smiled at Charlie. “I'd like to do it together.”

“Great! Let's start with bag one!” Charlie says.

Pentious agrees. He's actually feeling a lot calmer, more willing to try this.

He knows about building, there's no pressure in it, and at least he's not alone.

Charlie grabs the little booklet and they take turns following each page exactly.

Charlie started with the base, then told Pentious to do the next page.

“You're a natural at this, Pen. Are you sure you've never played with Legos before?”

“It's not rocket science.” He says as he places the blocks as the picture shows. “I'm used to working with heavier machinery than this.”

“Right, but still. You're doing a great job.” She says.

He was a little confused by the compliment, he didn't accomplish anything new, it was just a toy, right? It wasn't going to be used for anything practical.

But the compliments didn't stop there, every time he did something new, she told him he was doing a good job.

Having Charlie there to compliment everything he was doing… it was so different from what he was used to…

“Charlie?” He asks.

“Yeah?”

“Why do you do that?”

“Do what?” She asks.

“Compliment me.” He explains. “It's nice- but they're only blocks. Right?”

“Right, but you are doing a good job.” She says. “It doesn't matter how big or small it is. It's nice to be noticed when you do something well. Right?”

Pentious looked down at the blocks again…

Suddenly he can recall being a kid.

He was always interested to see how things worked.

He was always interested in building, creating something magnificent!

He worked so hard, all the time.

Trying to be something! To change the world for the better…

‘You will never get anywhere with these lousy contraptions.’

‘You are a disgrace.’

‘He won't amount to much.’

‘So much wasted potential.’

And it never changed, the older he got, the degradation got worse.

Then, the worse he got.

‘You are a fucking loser.’

‘This is exactly why no one loves you.’

‘You must be really bad at this.’

Pentious's breathing tighten.

“Pen? Are you okay?” Charlie asks.

Pentious set his arms on the coffee table and set his chin atop of them. “You don't have to be nice to me.” He says. “I know you only do it because you have to.”

“I do it because I mean it.” Charlie says. “No one here has made as much progress as you have, Pen.” She says.

“There wasn't much to work with.” He mumbles.

Charlie rests a hand on his shoulder. “Pen, you are a lot…” She says.

Pentious raises an eyebrow.

“In a good way!” Charlie says loudly. “I just- you have so much good about you! I can see it. And in any case…you deserve kindness.”

“How?” He asks.

Charlie frowns. “Everyone deserves kindness, at least in the beginning. I'm sorry no one showed you that when you needed it.”

Pentious looked away from her again, not exactly sure how to respond…or process that.

Was kindness something he was supposed to be familiar with all along?

If kindness was something most kids understood…

Why wasn't he worthy of it before?

“Pentious?” Charlie asks. “Are you okay?”

“I'm fine.” He says, wiping away some tears. “Don't worry about me.”

Charlie takes his hand. “Hey…”

Pentious turned to look at her.

“It's going to be okay, kiddo. Whoever hurt you before, they can't hurt you now.” She promised.

Pentious nods, trying to calm down. Why was he crying?! He shouldn’t be!

“Do you need a hug?” Charlie asks.

Pentious shakes his head. “No, I'm alright. I was just taken by surprise.” He explains.

Charlie nods. “It's okay, this is a safe place, no one here is going to judge you, especially not for showing emotion. It's a good thing, a healthy thing.”

“Are you sure about that?” Pentious asks.

“Absolutely.” Charlie says. “You're doing a great job; I am so proud of you.”

Pentious smiles despite the tears. “T-thank you, Charlie.”

~~~Vox and Velvette:~~~

Vox had only begun working when he got the call from Velvette.

“What's up, Vel?” He answered.

He hears soft crying on the other end of the call.

Oh shit. Not good.

“Vel?... Velbelle?” He asks. “What's going on? Are you okay? What happened?”

“Mmm.” She whines. “I-I tried to stay big, Vox.” she says, wiping some tears away. “I really did.”

“Hey, it's okay, Vel. It happens. Do you want me to take care of you?” He asks.

She nods. “Yeah.”

“Alright, I'll be right there, Princess. Hang on.” He says, hanging up on her.

Vox assigned jobs to his…employees then headed over to Velvette's room.

“Vel?” He asks, knocking on the door.

Velvette opened the door fast and hugged Vox tightly. “I'm sorry.” She cries, hugging him close.

“Hey, it's okay.” Vox says. “Did you call Val?” He asks.

Velvette nods. “After I called you, but he didn't answer.” She says.

Vox nods. “Alright.” He picks her up and sits down on the couch with her in his arms.

“It’s alright, baby. I'm here.” he says, patting her back gently. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” He asks.

Velvette shakes her head, then buries her face on his shoulder.

“Alright, Princess.” Vox pets her head gently. “You don't have to.”

Vel starts to relax against Vox, finally feeling calmer after the rough day she's had.

“Do you want anything, sweetie?” Vox asks.

Velvette doesn't want Vox to move, but she wants her doll.

Ugh! There's no predicament worse than this predicament!

She whines again, not wanting to say it- because Vox will move, and she can't have that right now!

Vox can tell Velvette is getting a little fussy, so he decides to put something on to calm her down.

The TV turns on and Sofia the first starts to play.

Vox texts Val to give him updates on Velvette, he's hoping he might take over sometime mid-day so he can get some work done.

But he got no response.

Velvette eventually gets up and grabs her dolls after the first few episodes of Sofia play.

“V?” Velvette asks.

“Yeah, Vel?” Vox asks.

“Play wif me?” She asks, handing him one of her dolls.

Vox smiles and takes the doll. “Anything for you, princess.”

He may have had a lot to do today, but Vox honestly didn't mind playing with her. He needs to practice hairstyling anyway.

And hey, if it brings a genuine smile to her face, it's worth missing a day of work.

~~~Charlie and Sir Pentious:~~~

Pentious finished the lego set. It was a decent sized set but it felt as if it took them no time at all.

“Great job, Pen! High-Five!” Charlie shouts

Pentious tilted her head. “High...what?”

“High-five! It's like clapping but with friends.” Charlie explains. “To congratulate you for a job well done.”

“Oh! Okay.” Pentious says.”How does it work?”

“You hold up your hand, and I will hit it with my hand and it'll make a clapping sound.”

“Oh, alright, I will give this high-fiving a try.” He says, pen held up a hand and Charlie high-fived him.

Pentious smiles. “That was…cool!” Pentious says. “Could I give you one?” He asks.

Charlie chuckles. “Sure thing.” She held up her hand and Pentious high-fived her back.

Pentious smiles, that was actually pretty fun.

“Pen, before we end this session, is it okay if I ask you some questions?” Charlie asks.

“Are they going to be as difficult as the questions on the test?”

“No, I'm just curious about how you felt today went.” She explains.

“Oh, well. I liked it…I had a nice time.” He says.

“Did it make you feel any younger?” Charlie asks next.

Pentious shrugs, he was reminded of his childhood a lot- but he still felt like the same person as always. Just- vulnerable-er.

“It's okay, we can try again tomorrow if you want.” Charlie suggests. “Even if you don't regress, it's a good stress reliever.”

“I think I would like that.” He agrees.

Today was fun! Even if it's a bit confusing…

But, either way he enjoyed spending time with Charlie and receiving complaints for his efforts.

Maybe this regression thing could actually help him.

~~~Vox, hours later:~~~

Vox has been with Velvette all day.

Not once did Val answer his texts or calls-

He's been spending all day today and yesterday with Angel Dust!

Something about ‘making him pay for leaving.’

But, it didn't fucking matter! They had a child to take care of, there are priorities!

Vox calls Val again, and this time he doesn't stop until Val answers.

“What?” Valentino answers harshly.

Oh, so he can answer the phone. How nice.

“Val, where are you? I've been trying to reach you all day!” Vox complains.

“I am with Angel Dust.” He purrs. “Why? Are you jealous, baby?” ~

“Val, why don't you leave Angel alone for now and meet me in Velvette's room?” Vox asks.

“Why would I do that?” Vox asks, very obviously smiling at something behind the phone. Probably Angel.

“Because we have a little…princess who needs our… special attention.”

Valentino is quiet for a moment. “What?”

Vox rubs his head. “For fucks sake.” He mumbles. “Velvette is regressed! And I could use some help.” Vox whispers harshly.

“Okay Okay, for Satan's sake, you don't need to shout.” Val says.

“Look, I have a lot of work to do, and-”

“Oh! And I don't?!” Val asks.

“Fucking with Angel is not work; besides you have been filming nonstop for two days. I think you’re due a break anyway. I have work that I haven't been able to accomplish because I've been taking care of Velvette while you ignored all her calls.”

“You can work from anywhere.” Val points out.

“Just-” Vox grips the phone tightly.

There's nothing the moth loved more than to get on his nerves.

“I'm not playing games, Val! Get. Over. Here!” Vox says.

“Fine, whatever.” Valentino hangs up.

Thank fuck!

Vox turns back to Velvette who was asleep in his arms.

“You're lucky you're so cute.” He says, petting her hair. “You know that?”

Velvette wrapped her arms around his neck.

Yeah, she knows.

~~~Valentino and Vox:~~~

Valentino hung up the phone, looking over at Angel who was absolutely exhausted.

Good, he should know who he belongs to.

“Looks like we'll have to cut today short.” He says. “But I want you all back here bright and early tomorrow!” He shouts.

The crew started to pack up their things.

Angel sighs in relief, seeming really happy to finally go home.

“Did you get that, Angel?” Valentino asks.

“Yes, Val.” Angel says, turning away from him.

“Good.” Val says, then walks out to meet the other V's.

~~~~

“Thank fuck, where have you been?” Vox asks as Valentino finally walks into the room.

“Had some things to take care of.” Val says. “What's her deal today?”

“I don't know, she didn't want to tell me.” Vox says.

“Aw, poor baby girl.” He says. “Did you have a rough day?” He asks the sleeping girl.

Vox hands Velvette over to Val. “Take this.”

“The fuck?” Val asks, still taking her though.

Vox sighs. “I told you I had important work. Plus, I've been with her all day. So guess what? Tag, you're it.” He says smiling before exiting the room to leave them.

Val rolls his eyes, but then smiles at Velvette. “You are lucky you're so cute, babydoll.” Valentino says to her.

~~~Alastor:~~~

Things were relatively quiet at the hotel, probably due to Charlie trying to fix everyone with her stupid test.

In what way does knowing someone acts like a child from time to time help them with redemption?

Why, Alastor has known many regressors who are also horrible fucking people- take him for example.

Being a regressor did not stop him from brutally murdering and eating the corpse of his very own-

“Alastor! I caught six bugs today! I stabbed them to death and drank their blood!” Niffty rambles as she jumps on Alastor's head, interrupting his thoughts.

“Hello, Niffty.” Alastor says. “How are you on this fine day?”

“Great! The flying goats flew away from me when I tried to give them a haircut today!”

“That's nice, dear.” Alastor says.

“Hey, Alastor, guess what?! Charlie said I'm not a pet anymore! Isn't that nuts!?” She asks, laughing. “I told her that was ridiculous! Ooo! And I saw a bug near Florence the stain! And I cleaned the hotel six times! Hehehe, It must be cleaaaaaan!!!” She giggles evilly.

Alastor exhales, and removes the young woman off his head. “Niffty, dear?”

“Yes?”

“Go play in your maze for a bit.” He says. “You need to wear yourself out so you'll actually sleep tonight.” He says. “We don't need you running around here after dark.”

“Okay!” Niffty squeaks and runs to her room.

Alastor chuckles, oh how he adores Niffty’s energy and enthusiasm.

What was he thinking about? Oh yes, Charlie's regular delusions.

Oh, when will she ever learn?

~~~Charlie:~~~

“Vaggie Vaggie Vaggie!!!” Charlie runs full speed towards her girlfriend. She grabs her hand and swings her around.

“Woah- what happened?” Vaggie asks once they stopped spinning.

“Today's session with Pentious was amazing! I feel like I can really make a difference and help them all heal!” Charlie says excitedly.

“And by them all, you mean Angel and Pentious, right?” Vaggie asks.

“I mean all of them!” She says. “I mean Angel and Pentious, Niffty and Husk, and Alastor!”

“Charlie…” Vaggie rests her hands on her girlfriend's shoulders. “Remember that conversation about taking things too far and buying the whole little store? We're there.” Vaggie says. “You can't force someone to heal if they don't want to.”

“I know that!” Charlie says. “I'll just lightly suggest it a few times, and eventually when they want to heal, I'll be here!” She says.

“Charlie, I know you want to help them but remember when we talked about boundaries.” She reminds.

“Don't worry, Vaggie. I won't do anything too extreme; I promise.” She says. “Ooo! What if we built a whole nursery for everyone!?”

She hears the front door of the hotel opening, and Charlie grips Vaggie's hands excitedly. “I'll bet that's Angel! I'm going to tell him the awesome news!”

“Charlie, wait-” Vaggie tries to stop her, but it's too late.

~~~Angel:~~~

Angel walked back into the hotel, exhausted and overwhelmed.

How can someone be so fucking cruel?

‘How could you be so cruel, I was just trying to help you!’

Angel shivers at the memory.

He has to stop going back there…

“Oh, Angel!” Someone touches his shoulder, causing him to flinch and jump back violently. “Ah!-”

“Oh, sorry.” Charlie says. “You okay?”

“What do you want, Charlie?” Angel sighs in both annoyance and relief.

“Where have you been? It's been two days.” Charlie says.

Angel crosses his arms “Uhm work. Where else would I be?” He asks.

“Oh right. Well, after everyone took the test, we've been working on improving the hotel by helping everyone's individual needs, and it's been going great!” She says.

“Cool.” Angel says as apathetic as possible in hopes she'll actually get the message that he's not interested in talking to her right now.

He starts to move again when Charlie grabs his arm. “What?” He asks, annoyed.

“We were hoping you might take the test too.” Charlie says.

“I'm good.” He says, continuing to walk upstairs to his room.

“Oh…okay.” Charlie says. “Well, I'm here if you change your mind!” She shouts so he can hear her.

Angel shuts and locks the door and exhales sharply.

He's okay, he's here, he's at the hotel now, he's fine!

He takes a second to calm down as tears pour down his face.

What a lousy fucking week.

He hated Val more than he ever thought possible!

He kneels onto the floor next to his bed and removes the floorboards under it.

He pulls out his special box he had stashed away.

Angel grabs the key (which was hidden inside his pillowcase.) And unlocks the box. He grabs his small baby blanket he had hidden inside it.

He keeps digging through the box for his pacifier, but it's not there.

He looks around the room, it has to be here! Where is it?

Then he felt a small scratch on his leg.

He looks down and sees Fat Nuggets, holding the pacifier by the handle in his mouth.

Angel takes it from him. “Thanks, Nuggs.” He pets the little pig then holds him close.

He puts his binkie in his mouth and crawls onto the bed, holding Nuggets and the blanket close to him.

He’s okay…

He’s safe now.

Val can’t hurt him…

Not here…

No one can.

Yeah.

Angel's tears fall faster as he sinks his face into his pillow.

He wished he could believe that…

He pulls out his phone real quick and puts on an episode of Peppa Pig.

He finds himself suddenly smiling.

And he can finally relax.

'I'm out of touch, I'm out of love I'll pick you up when you're getting down And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now.' ~Ed Sheeran, Lego house.

Notes: I know it's not super interesting yet, but it'll get there, I promise.

@todayimfour

#ittybittysinners #little!Angeldust #little!Agel dust #little!Angel #little!Pentious #little sir pentious #helluverse age regression #hazbin hotel agere #hazbin hotel age regression

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thebibliosphere · 10 months

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Hi there, ive come from your post about ADHD and emotional disregulation, firstly thank you so much for putting it into words, its such a complicated part of how i deal with emotions and i havent ever been able to articulate how to why.

Secondly, in that post you mentioned how you've used stress as a motivator and how eventually your stress regualtion broke, i was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about that? (If not, its not a problem)

I feel like the same thing has happened to me but until i read your post i had no idea that something had... snapped? I suppose? I struggle with motivation all the time and in the past id have a week or a few days left and id be able to suddently push myself very hard to complete whatever it is before the deadline, just barely making it in most cases. However now it seems that i can't find that motivation anymore, deadlines come and pass and i can't being myself to work on anything, and i just end up spiralling into shame and guilt. That motivation was the only thing that I was able to rely on sometimes for things like uni, and i conviced myself that it was just me growing lazy or trying to get out of responsibility as to why the "last minute panic-mode" doesnt work anymore.

Again, if you don't wanna tackle this can of worms or if it's something youd rather not post online i totally get it, its no biggie! thanks so much for making the original post as well, it means a lot

Hello friend, thanks for the message. I'm sorry you're also dealing with this.

The good news here is that I've already talked about this using the rubber band analogy my therapist gave me. (Stress is like a Rubber Band)

If you don't have the mental bandwidth to read all of it now, the tl;dr is "stress is like a rubber band; it can stretch to hold numerous things in place when you need to, but if you do it too often or keep adding more and more strain under the band, the elastic eventually becomes brittle and snaps, taking your mental and sometimes physical health with it too."

I've been in intensive therapy for this for roughly three years now, and trying to piece my brain back together after my last bout of stress-induced productivity gave me a total mental breakdown.

It's... odd not being able to use stress and having to actively avoid it to avoid a relapse. But it is doable. Medication would help, but alas, I've got weird health issues and am unmedicated at the minute.

(And just in case that sparks anyone to go, "Oh, you do all this unmedicated! Wow, that's so inspiring!" as sometimes parents do to me on here as they then tell me they don't want to medicate their kids, I've unfortunately also written a post about what that kind of success looks like from an unmedicated perspective and the kind of suicidal ideation I deal with on the regular because I cannot take meds. It is not pleasant reading, but it is necessary for some folks, specifically anti-med, "if you just tried harder" people.)

A book you may find helpful is Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. It was very validating for me to read about other people going through the same things, and made me feel less of a "this is a personal failing on my part" and more of a "Oh okay yeah, no stress literally breaks people."

It helped soothe some of my own internalized "I just need to try harder" and helped cement me on the path I was already going down with my ADHD therapist toward changing how I view myself and how I manage my ADHD.

I hope that helps! If you've got more specific questions or I didn't touch on something in my old post, I can try to answer them :)

#chronic health tag #adult adhd #adhd

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karamazovposting · 4 months

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On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part one)

I've never seen anyone talk about this and it doesn't surprise me considering most people don't really know what bipolar disorder actually is (the stereotypes are all wrong and good representation in media is rare, sigh) and while I'm not saying my interpretation is the only correct one as I'm a firm believer that anyone can see whatever they want in art and that's a beautiful thing, in my opinion there are enough things about Ivan's behaviour and character that make my bipolar Ivan Karamazov agenda worthy of being pushed a little.

This first part will be more of an introduction where I'll just talk, in general, about what I picked up on in the first half of the novel and then in the next parts (I don't know how many there'll be yet, there's a lot of stuff to say) I'll get more specific by going over Ivan's inner world and the more significant events that made me think yeah this young man definitely needs some lithium.

Let's start with this: I know every Dostoevsky character is fucked up in their own way, that's pretty much his thing, but there is a difference between being a little fucked up and being actually mentally ill. There's just something about Ivan that made something in my brain click and go bipolar, which has never really happened before.

Do I think Dostoevsky deliberately chose to make Ivan so bipolar coded? Considering at the time there was barely a name for this disorder (which isn't even the same name we use today), let alone an actual diagnosis, no. But as someone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I think his character makes a lot more sense if we see him as suffering from it. I even talked about this to my therapist who has read the book and he sees my vision too (lmao).

The thing that I'm sure jumps to someone's mind when it comes to Ivan and the topic of mental illness is the psychotic episode he goes through after Fyodor's murder, and while it kind of sustains my thesis on its own already, I thought he was bipolar coded way before that, because in my opinion there are a lot of subtle signs and behaviours that are kind of like little puzzle pieces that need to be put together to get to see the bigger picture, as bipolar disorder is not just the episodes someone goes through but also the impact those episodes have on them. It's a disorder that shapes the person, their brain chemistry and patterns and therefore their life in an irreversible way.

What initially struck me was how angry Ivan actually is. We don't really see it at first solely because we don't really see much of him in general, but I think that after he pushes Maksimov off the carriage without saying a word or explaining himself to his father we open some sort of Pandora's box. After that, almost every time he appears in the first half of the novel, he's angry. At the top of my head I can only think of two instances where he's not: when talking to Katerina before leaving for Moscow, which is also the first time we see him show an emotion other than anger (and it only took him, what? More than 300 pages? Yeah, relatable), and when he's at lunch with Alyosha shortly after. Other than that, he's always angry, and it's so visceral that I couldn't help but think that he feels that particular kind of deep rage only someone with bipolar disorder is capable of feeling (I personally nicknamed bipolar disorder the always fucking angry disorder). The way he's so deeply and irrationally angry that he feels himself shake and has to collect himself in order to not beat up Smerdyakov? The way he can't let it go and engages in conversation with him even though he himself doesn't even know why he's feeling or doing any of that? The way he treats his father? That's undiagnosed/untreated behaviour, I've been there. It may feel weird or even absurd if you're not familiar with this disorder, but there's a reason why the term bipolar rage is a thing: it is indeed on another level. It also seems like the only emotion he's comfortable with showing is anger and that's why it seems to be his only emotional outlet, as he didn't seem that eager to open up in front of Katerina and even when alone with his own brother you can feel some sort of awkwardness coming from him. I'll go into the specifics of that particular interaction with Alyosha in the future, but I think that after that Ivan's, very emotion-centered, character arc officially starts to develop as his relationship with his own feelings finally and slowly starts to change and becomes a tool to get him closer to the other characters. It's obviously not linear and I really like that, it feels very realistic.

Anyway, at first I thought I was just projecting, lots of people have anger issues and showing one symptom of something doesn't mean you have it, diagnostic criterias exist for a reason. The thing is, the more I read the more I noticed that not only Ivan happens to meet a lot of them, but he also shows some behaviors and has some personality traits that can easily be interpreted as bipolar coded (as I said a few paragraphs ago): his complex and peculiar type of loneliness, the emotional outbursts, his own perception of himself compared to how the other characters speak of him, his traumatic childhood, his attitude towards life (and death), the reasons behind his relationship with God and religion, his curated persona, the fact that no one seems to understand him. Not to mention he's described as having experienced depression and anguish multiple times in the past, and in a particular occasion in the novel not even knowing why (this one point in particular is very important as it connects to his attitude towards life and death, which is the most bipolar coded thing about him to me). All things I'll go over with more detail in the future when I'll get to his inner world.

For now I'll say that the main thing about bipolar disorder is that it fucks up one's emotions a lot, causing "inappropriate" or "abnormal" (for a lack of better terms) and exaggerated emotional responses and reactions in the people who have it (which usually manifest as the epic highs and lows the average person has at least heard of, but it can and does get more complicated than that) and I genuinely don't think Ivan reacts normally to anything, ever; the most noticeable thing to me is that his default reaction to anything, no matter what it is, is laughter. We also see him get extremely anxious to the point of being physically unwell and spiral a little after Smerdyakov and Fyodor tell him to go to Cermašnja due to what the former told him, which made me go damn, no one died yet and he's already paranoid?. His emotional regulation is a mess and he's so real (and bipolar) for that.

Another quite important thing about bipolar disorder is that it makes every emotion more intense to the point of confusion and being all over the place, which causes a person with bipolar disorder's emotional responses and reactions to be the way they are. Now, I'm not proclaiming myself as the one and only True Ivan Karamazov Understander, but I do think people tend to focus too much on his façade of coldness and on the darker side of his story, causing them to forget about how actually fun, passionate and almost childish he is at times. Ivan feels, and he feels deeply, and it isn't fair to overlook that just because he rarely shows it. Extreme rationality and collectedness can often also be a way to try to gain control over your symptoms (I'm guilty of that). We get to see some of his less collected emotionality in how dramatic he gets (like a true Karamazov) when reciting poetry in German to Katerina and in The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion and The Grand Inquisitor, as I already mentioned. At this point of the novel, something in particular happens and at this point in the novel I decide that yes, Ivan is bipolar coded.

I think I'll stop here at this sort of "cliffhanger" because this got quite long and I need one post only to elaborate that last paragraph. This isn't as coherent as I hoped it would be and, honestly, I kind of feel stupid, like I read too much into this and am seeing things that aren't there (how familiar, how fitting), but I wanted to share my perspective (and I'm also open to discussion!). Also, I won't lie, Ivan is my favorite character of The Brothers Karamazov and I don't think he's talked about enough, I've even seen people say he's the least interesting one out of the brothers which kind of broke my heart because I personally think he's the most interesting (no shade to the uninteresting Ivan gang of course). I don't know if I feel like that towards him because for the first time ever I got to see myself in a character and it was very important to me, but I don't think it really matters, "meeting" him made me happy and he will always be special to me, even if his story has its fair share of tragedy. Or maybe because of it. I'm planning on making a post about that and his ending in particular, but for now I'll focus on finishing this bipolar Ivan Karamazov essay.

No idea when I'll write the rest though, but I will.

#I'd link the Wikipedia page for bipolar disorder in case someone doesn't know much about it but imo it lacks nuance and isn't very accurate #the brothers karamazov #ivan karamazov #bipolar ivan karamazov agenda #thoughts #mine

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thediktatortot · 6 months

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Just a little vent piece. Billy & Max

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"I- I broke it."

Billy's voice was broken and small, like a child, his hands clasped around each other in his lap. It was a bad day today, very bad. High tension, quick movements, fast heart beat- nothing passed his attention, nothing moved without his notice.

It was just a bad day.

Max didn't know what Billy meant, her eyes scanning the older boy where he sat on his shins next to his bed, curly hair curtained around his face as he leaned slightly to the side, head resting against the mattress.

"...what did you break?" Max hated these days.

Billy sniffed, one hand leaving his lap to wipe his face while the other seemed to have a death grip around whatever it was in his hands.

"D-Doesn't matter...I can't fix it."

Max scoffed, rolling her eyes as she took a deep breath, her hand gripping the edge of the door to Billy's bedroom a little harder than she needed too. She got angry too okay? She was- getting better...and all that.

"Who says it can't be fixed if I don't even know what it is you-"

"It's broken okay!" Billy's head snapped to look at Max, his eyes puffy and red, blue sparkling behind the dirty blond locks. "I fucking broke it!"

He tossed what was in his hand suddenly, something glinting across the room and smacking into the stack of items on Billy's dresser knocking some things over.

"Don't yell at me! I'm just trying to help!" Max sneered before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, counting to five like her therapist told her. She knew Billy was having a lot harder time learning than she was, trauma and all that they said.

"Get out of my room!" Billy's voice cracked as he turned back into himself, his face red from anger and embarrassment, but he made no move to push her out.

Ignoring Billy, Max finished her count and stepped inside, making her way over to the dresser where the item landed and- oh...that's why Billy was so upset.

On the dresser sat Billy's necklace, the one she knew was from his mom. The chain was broken, a few links missing and unable to be latched again.

A hard fix, but not impossible. Though, to Billy right now, probably seemed liked the end of the world.

"See? I fuck everything up." Billy's voice was smothered by his hands and the bed where he had plastered himself too, shoulders shaking as he tried to calm himself down.

Max sighed, glancing back at Billy for a moment before taking the necklace from the dresser, pocketing it before he could see her do it. There was no use in trying to console him at this moment, not until he calmed down enough to listen.

"I'll be back."

Max left the room, shutting Billy's door behind him before looking down at the necklace. She hated doing nice things for people...hating making people think she cared and all that. She did...of course, but showing it was, well, embarrassing.

Billy moped all day, only leaving his bedroom to go to the bathroom or to grab something from the pantry while no one was in the kitchen. Max rolled her eyes at him like she always did, but she didn't rile him up or poke at him, no need to upset him while he was already down.

It wasn't until later in the day when Max finally approached him, knocking on his door before opening. "Billy...are you done sulking yet?" Max leaned against his door way, staring in at the back of Billy where he laid on the bed.

"Fuck off."

"Yea yea, here." Max pushed his door wide open and walked over to Billy, dropping something from her hand until it hung between her fingers. "I fixed it."

Billy didn't move for a moment, sniffling before he turned his head slowly, eyes coming to rest on the necklace dangling between her fingers.

It was Billy's necklace, the one from his mother, the broken part of the chain now wired together with a small chain a few sized bigger than itself and much more silver in color than the original.

But it was fixed.

Billy looked at Max before reaching out and taking the necklace, sniffling again as he unlatched it and secured it around his neck. Red creeped up his neck and face, eyes unable to meet Max's. "...thanks, shitbird."

Max smiled a little, rolling her eyes. "Yea yea...just...don't make me have to fix it again okay." She kicked the edge of Billy's bed, looking down at where the necklace sat against Billy's chest again. "There's only so much extra chain on my lamp string I steal before I can't reach it anymore."

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#Billy & Max #Billy Hargrove

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mxdarling · 2 months

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["to jealousy, to being yours"]

•❅───✧❅✦❅✧───❅• •❅───✧❅✦❅✧───❅•

ೃ⁀➷: summary: five (5) times you thought nobara liked maki, and the one (1) time she proved you wrong.

ೃ⁀➷: word count: 5k (5,010)

ೃ⁀➷: reference/inspiration: pov: you're falling in love with someone you cant have

[author's note:] hii so um HAPPY (VERY BELATED) BIRTHDAY BESTIE<33 @wenmiyun lots of hugs and kisses mwah mwah /p PLSS I'M SO SORRY I HAVE TO GIFT YOU MY SHITTY WRITING AND ESPECIALLY THIS LATE, here's my attempt of writing for nobara, i never written for jjk before so spare me the harsh criticism on their personalities </3

[warnings:] lowercase, occ nobara + other jjk characs, angst, fluff, jealousy behavior (from reader), reader really is jealous of maki, cringe humour, reader writes in (not) a diary, cursing, kiss scene, nobara is taller than reader, they/them pronouns, reader wants to be beaten up by nobara (once).

[If there is anything else triggering here that I didn’t list in the warnings section, please tell me.]

[GN reader]

ⅰ. (when she found maki pretty).

["dear diary, how does one cope with the intense feeling of knowing your feelings aren't reciprocated and you want to crawl in a hole and die? because I really want to crawl in a hole and die?"]

["dear diary, I don't even have a diary; I'm just writing on a piece of paper and calling it a diary to look like I actually write stuff down when really I don't."]

["dear diary, I'm feeling like a piece of shit and really overthinking this, but i think i'm 100% going to get rejected and I'm 100% going to look like an absolute fool in front of her, and I'm going to ruin our friendship in the process while I watch her get together with maki :')"]

["dear diary, imagine not being able to afford a therapist and having to resort to taking to some—"]

the sound of pencil lead being snapped, it falls to the wooden floor and magically disappears within the color of the floor. "…fucck.." you whisper curses, knowing you have to go find a sharpener, sharpen your pencil, and go back to writing in your diary (a piece of paper). what's even better is that you don't even know where the hell you're going to find a sharpener anywhere in these grounds, plus the fact that it literally took you almost 30 minutes just to find a goddamn pencil to write with—sometimes you just really question your luck in life.

you lean back on the chair, putting down the pencil on the desk beside the piece of paper. the silence in the classroom wasn't helping the debate happening inside your head—whether it was worth it to try and find a sharpener or suffer by yourself by letting this extreme surge of sadness from inside of you till you cry to the point of exhaustion. you decided you weren't going to deal with another emotional toll today.

after 15 minutes of attempting to find a sharpener, you gave up, opting to just walk around outside to hopefully soothe your troubled mind. while walking, you happened to see yuji and nobara talking to each other. walking up to them, you were to say hello to them (especially to see her) before stopping your footsteps from going forward.

"do you find maki-san pretty?" head tilted, a child-like confusion is shown on yuji's face, facing towards the person in question, nobara.

intuitively, you hid behind a pillar to not be spotted by them. your ears are now caught in interest; you wanted—no, needed—to know her answer. your heart rate is picking up its pace, beating, and pounding so loudly in your chest that it almost feels like you're about to jump and escape into her arms. your smile couldn't be contained as it slowly grew and grew until it reached your ears, making you look like a fool in love (you very much are).

"hah? where did that question come from?" crossing her arms at her chest, taking a defensive stance to the question being thrown at her, she raises a brow at yuji's question. "just curious; you kind of look at maki differently, i guess?" with a convincingly straight face, yuji remains unbothered by the defensive stance nobara takes in response to his question, "so do you find-"

"of course I'd find maki-san pretty," she answered, very quick and brief, cutting yuji off before he could even finish his attempt at repeating the question, almost like she's certain—confident even in her answer, which she just told to yuji.

that answer alone was enough to make your wide smile turn into a frown in a matter of seconds. you felt like crying; you could feel your eyes tearing up. staying here and watching the two of them talk was only going to worsen your mood, so you walked away on slightly shaking legs. wiping the tears that have now appeared, you've lost the determination to find that goddamn sharpener.

"but what abou-"

"but.." nobara cuts off yuji again, though he doesn't seem to be bothered by it, sending blank stares as he waits for her to continue on. nobara finishes, in a hushed and quiet tone, "(name) is definitely the prettiest."

ⅱ. (when she had fighting sessions with maki)

you were on edge, high on anticipation, feeling the sweat in your palms build up as you sit at the end of your seat, watching from the sidelines as nobara and maki practice fighting each other to pass the time. you silently cheered on for nobara with absolute bias; despite the winner of this fighting match being as clear as day (it's maki), you still cheered on for nobara, for her.

the way she moved and dodged every attack maki made towards her, the way she gripped very tightly onto her weapon in hand, every swift and duck she did, every twist and turn her body did—she somehow made all of them so goddamn alluring. your eyes were stuck to her like glue, watching her every move just like maki except not out of caution and with the intent to defeat her but because of how breathless you were from watching from afar. her scrunched-up face when she struggles, those displays of frustration and smug grins when she's trying to disguise her pain—all these things about her are what made you drawn to her. even when everything else around you is hectic and chaotic, your eyes will search and search till they land on her. somehow, in some way, your eyes always manage to find her.

maki-san was lucky, you thought as your eyes continued to be stuck on nobara, slowly blurring out the rest of the fight scene and just focusing on her and her alone. she gets a front-row view of nobara, gets to hang out with her, and has the honor of being someone she admires and someone she respects. maki-san doesn't know how lucky she is, you thought again, this time feeling more envy—perhaps even showing it on your face with how much it boils inside of you. controlling your facial expressions when you finally snapped out of that jealousy haze you were momentarily in, remembering how you got caught making a face around maki as she got you to snap out by asking you directly if there was something on her face. you didn't want to be caught again by her suspicious gaze. who knows what she'll do when she gets so pissed that she starts beating you up?

if you were being honest, you'd much rather prefer nobara beating you up; if the roles of the fight were reversed and you were in the fight instead of maki-san, you would be in paradise. multiple times already have you been utterly bested in a fight against nobara and every single time she would have that victory smirk plastered on her face, it never failed to set you in a frenzy state.

"haah, i wasn't even close," nobara said in defeat as she sat on the grass, exhausted. taking heavy and deep breaths, the rise and fall of her chest prove the amount of air the fight took out of her.

"heh, you did better than last time; i'll say that," maki says as she extends her hand towards the tired nobara, offering to help her get back on her feet.

taking the help, she reached for maki's hand, and upon contact, maki pulled her back up. when the two locked eyes, there's a new-found twinkle in nobara's eyes, seeing as maki just complimented her. "wah!? really, maki-san!?"

perhaps you were in a daze for far too long, for the fighting match had already ended with maki-san being the victor, of course. you stared at them from a distance as they continued to converse with one another. you could feel your face contort into an expression—you're not sure what kind of expression you were making exactly. though you couldn't hear their conversation, you could see their expressions and faces change as the talk between them went on. they looked like they're having a lot of fun, you thought, especially her; the thought persists to drill into your brain. feeling sick in your stomach, you stood up from your seat and walked off, not wanting to look at the scene of them happily talking any longer. maybe writing in that diary (piece of paper) will cheer you up.

"did you do better because they were watching?" maki raised an eyebrow at nobara, smirking slightly as she watched the ginger-haired girl get flustered by her question.

"h-how did you-"

"it's not rocket science; it's more clear than the curses i see without my glasses," maki commented bluntly while also cutting nobara mid-sentence. although what she said was true, it was a blow to nobara's pride as she was doing everything she didn't want to do: being obvious about how she feels towards you.

ⅲ. (when she smiled at maki and maki smiled at her back)

gojo satoru, your sensei, had a plan for all the first years and second years to go to the beach this sunday, saying how it's a good time to take a break and relax from our student responsibilities and enjoy our youth, or something along those lines and while most of them were reluctant to go (because it was gojo sensei's idea, you could never trust what he's planning about, plus he is a moron) somehow—and miraculously so, managed to convince everyone, including you, to join in on the trip.

contrary to your initial expectations about the trip, it's pretty fun (good job sensei!), for the first time in quite a while, you felt relaxed. something you haven't felt in what, weeks? months? in you convince yourself enough you might even believe it has been years since you've felt the tension leave your body. not only was the view of the beautiful sunset amazing but everything else around you too. the cool wind kissing your face as your hair flows in the air, the splashing of waves against the shore, the distant noise of birds chirping as they fly above you, the loud laughter of your upperclassmen and friends as they have fun chasing each other in the sand. this was pure bliss.

getting bored of the sunset view you turned your head to face your upperclassmen and friends doing their usual antics onto each other, gaining a small smile and a short-lived laugh out of you. as your eyes start to drift away from the sight of your friends, it naturally searches for nobara, for her. once it does finds her, there's a split second of your eyes widening in joy before returning back to your neutral face as you notice who she's with, maki, again. you turn your head away to try and be subtle but still keep an eye on them, from your peripheral vision you could see nobara sending maki a smile and maki sends her a small smile in return, they look happy together, you thought— sometimes you wish that was you instead, standing by her side, smiling and happily by her side. deep down you know that will never happen.

while you weren't looking, nobara took (not so) tiny and small glances at your direction, the view she had of your side profile was perfect, the effect of the sunset on you made a smile on her face, realizing how beautiful you were and all the little facial features you had she hasn't noticed yet. she would stare at you for hours and hours on end, for seeing your face was already a miracle for her.

ⅳ. (when she looks for matching bracelets with maki)

the bustling city outside the borders of tokyo jujutsu high wasn't the kind of environment you would choose to spend your free time in; you'd much prefer staying inside your dorm and sleeping or playing games on your phone, but you were invited by nobara herself (and being the desperate fool you are, you would take any chances and opportunities to spend some quality time with her). you're currently waiting in front of some cafe, sitting on one of their outside tables and chairs, for nobara and maki to arrive.

sure, you weren't too happy that maki would be accompanying you two (you deeply and desperately wished it was just you two hours prior; does the world really hate you that much?) but you weren't going to let that fact bother you. no, you weren't. maki-san is a great person, a great friend of nobara, and someone she admires. you just want to control your jealousy around her. mentally prepare talking to yourself as you await their arrival. you pray that you don't appear weird or crazy with how sometimes you accidentally slip out curses out of your mouth. you don't need to make a fool of yourself this early in the day.

minutes have passed, and you could see two familiar silhouettes appearing in your line of sight, walking towards the cafe you're waiting at. you start waving at them to show you were already here, and they wave back as their figures slowly get clearer and bigger in your line of sight. "wow.. you look great, (name)!" your eyes widen at nobara's positive comment on your outfit; it wasn't anything special, just the clothes you usually wear when you go out, except with a little more style. there's no way you're going to underdress when she's going to show up. "heh.. thanks! you look great too! and- maki-san as well!" you can feel your hands sweat a little, giving out a nervous smile. you compliment her back (you wanted to say more) while also not forgetting to mention maki as well. just so you don't seem rude and impolite.

maki hummed in acknowledgement of your comment. "you're not bad yourself, (name)," she says. you know maki isn't one to sugarcoat, so it was good to be affirmed that you didn't look bad.

"now, which store should we check out first?"

hours have passed, and the three of you have gone into at least three stores, which felt like a blast to you. never has walking around big malls and looking through hundreds of different kinds and sets of clothing been this fun and exciting. bags, and bags have filled the majority of your hands. you three walked together, chatting along while trying to look for more stores to shop at. finally settling on a small shop down the street that sells handmade bracelets.

"this one suits you, maki-san!" nobara exclaimed, giving the bracelet to maki for her to try on, and when maki put the bracelet on, her eyes beamed as she said something about finding more bracelets to buy for the three of you guys.

as you watched them pick out bracelets from the ones displayed, you stared at them from a distance. watching them closely, not even caring to be subtle about your staring as you feel a certain familiar feeling start boiling up inside you. even then, you continued to watch them, your hands no longer picking up bracelets to try on as they remained still by your side. they look so nice together. though, as you know, that was intended to be sarcasm, the enviousness' grew and grew by milliseconds, not just towards maki but to everything. why was it always maki-san with her? why is it that she gets to be with her the most? why couldn't maki-san be replaced by you? why couldn't that be you?

"how about you, (name)? did you find one you like?" nobara's voice pulls you out of your daze. she was now staring straight at you, causing you to crumble inside within seconds. the jealousy and envy feeling inside faded as she had you now in a more giddy state. you swallowed a lump down your throat to hopefully increase your chances of not sounding like a nervous wreck.

"uh- sorry, haven't found one yet.. plus i need to go.." you try to politely leave, seeing as you might just ruin the whole hangout if your jealousy gets in the way. better to just leave then to cause trouble for everyone else. "you're leaving already?" nobara raised an eyebrow at your mention of departure. not that she was surprised, as she knew your energy levels were different compared to hers; it was just that this was way too early for you to leave, usually whenever you guys hang out.

"yeah.. bye!"

"..see ya (name)!"

rushing to leave your footsteps fasten as you basically speed walk away from them, without saying a word, you left. not even looking back once.

"you think (name) will like this bracelet?" holding up a purple color scheme bead bracelet between her fingers, she inspects it—almost like she's imagining how it would look on your wrist. "or would they like this one better?" she said, holding up another bead bracelet in her other hand between her fingers; this time it was a blue color scheme. giving the bracelet the same look she gave it with the other one.

"i think they would like anything you give to them," maki replied, rather sure of her words. while she doesn't know the nature of how deep your relationship is with nobara, she can tell it was a close bond. "..you think so?" whispering, her orange gaze softens as she eyes the bracelets in two of her hands. maki observes the girl; the aura around her feels tender, like she got dragged into feeling such a sentimental scene. "you know, if you can't decide, you can just buy both." just then, a light bulb lit up inside nobara's head.

she did, in fact, buy both bracelets; of course, both bracelets had a pair.

ⅴ. (when she said she loved maki)

"i love you."

that was the last nail hammered on the coffin, and god, does it fucking hurt so much? it felt like your whole heart just died, got shot where it hurt the most, and bled and bled till nothing was left behind. your heart bled for nothing; it loved for nothing; you hoped and prayed for nothing. this was the upcoming downfall you warned yourself about over and over again, yet you still fell for it. you still fell for the false hopes you deluded yourself into having, making yourself think you had any slim chance of getting your feelings reciprocated. how stupid—how stupid of you to believe in anything.

the world around you blurs out: the sounds of people talking and chatting, the walking and running footsteps of hundreds and thousands of strangers, the chirping of birds, the engines of vehicles, and such driving on the road—it is all just one blurry background to you. one that your brain cannot process, one that your brain doesn't want to process, because every fiber and tissue in your being is wishing right now to be swallowed whole by a curse and crushed into countless pieces to the point of no recognition. you wish to be erased, removed, eradicated, disintegrated—anything that could make you disappear from this world—from her. just by hearing her name in your head makes you want to go fucking insane.

perhaps it was your fault for being so nosy and wanting to take a peek at the note that has been placed on nobara's desk. if only you weren't so desperate for any confirmation of her feelings, if only you stayed content with how things are with her, you wouldn't have to get hurt this badly. the letter that was on her desk was a love letter, and you could still remember how your heart picked up pace, giving you an anxious feeling in your gut after such a discovery. slowly and nervously opening up the folded letter, you instantly knew whose handwriting it was—it was nobara's. you read and read, then you put down the letter and walked away, trying to hold back your tears from falling out. you weren't even able to read the whole thing because you knew who it was for. it was for maki.

you hated how she talked about how pretty maki was—the prettiest even—how she loved those fighting sessions she had with her, how beautiful she looked as she watched the sunset go down, and how she bought matching bracelets thinking of her. every word written in the letter screamed maki, maki, maki, maki.. not you.

you locked yourself in your room, crashing forcefully onto the bed. you lay there motionless, almost like you're dead. well, perhaps you are dead; a part of you is gone, erased, eradicated. there's a certain numbness in your tongue yet an overwhelming sense of sadness in your head that you just can't get rid of.

["dear diary, I feel like shit; i look like shit; what's even the point? clearly, she doesn't like me; why am I still pursuing?"]

["dear diary, i'm so mad at myself; i want to scream so badly, but it's like there's this rock somewhere in my mouth stopping me from letting it all out—shit, shit, i'm cryin' now."]

suddenly, a knock on your door reaches your ears, pulling you out of your head. the energy to walk up and open the door is non-existent, as you just want to lay down and not get up. you only do so when you hear a familiar voice outside of your room.

"(name)? can we talk?" her voice is a bit muffled due to being on the other side of the door, but you could still hear her as clearly as day. she sounded concerned, which in turn made you concerned too. what did she want to talk about? did you do something wrong? did you accidentally make her mad? panic settles in, and questions start flooding in your mind. you got up from your bed and walked towards the door, opening just slightly to take a peek outside, and there she was, standing outside your room.

"hey.." you tried putting effort into your greeting, but it just came out very tired. making it up for the tired greeting, you gave a small smile. you could see from the small opening of the door that she gave a small smile back to you. you opened the door wide for her, letting her into your room so that the conversation between you two would remain private.

"you saw the letter...?" she looked in disbelief as she said that, the kind of look you would give to someone who you didn't want to see what they just saw. was the love letter for maki supposed to be a secret? "..you mean the letter for maki-san? yeah, but i didn't take a peek," you lied, somehow saying that lie was much easier to breathe at the moment. god, just mentioning her name in your mouth was enough to have you breakdown, but you needed to be strong; you needed to put up a front long enough for you to be alone and die from heartbreak.

"for maki-san? the letter is not for maki-san.." confusion was evident on her face; seeing her reaction made you confused as well. was the letter really not for maki-san? you thought. were you wrong about the letter being for maki-san? you thought again.

"..the letter was for you, (name)!"

"..what? wait! you like me!?"

"yes!"

you two stared at each other in shock as confusion faded away while the confession settled slowly in your mind. she likes you, not maki-san; she likes you and not maki-san; surely this might be a dream—no way she actually likes you back. there's just no way it's possible.

"i like you (name)," sounding more sure of herself, the slight furrowed of her eyebrows, her lips being in a straight line, her eyes showing fear, nervousness, and anticipation all in one, the trembling of her hands—you could see her waiting patiently for your answer. this was enough to tell you that this was real; her confession was real and sincere.

"..i like you too."

ⅰ. (when her lips touched yours, in uttermost passion)

she was so pretty up close—way too pretty, in fact—that she left you stunned—so stunned that you don't even realize really just how close she actually was. you can feel her breath on your lips and your cheeks heating up. enchanted by her and her beauty, you can no longer restrain yourself anymore. slowly sneaking your arms around her neck, resting them on her shoulders, you gently push her closer to you, all the while trying to hide your eagerness. noticing your behavior changed, she grins—grabbing your waist in her hands to keep you from potentially moving away from her; she doesn't want to let you go (not that you would do such a thing; clearly from your actions, you don't want to let her go either). inch by inch, little by little, the space between you two disappears as seconds pass by. just as you're about to get the luxury of kissing her, she diverts her head to the side of your head; instead of kissing your lips, she kisses underneath your ear instead.

surprised by her bold action, you let out a squeak, that scarlet color of red spreading through your cheeks and ears, shutting your eyes due to the embarrassment you feel—you can feel the soft touch her kisses emit on your skin. tingling every nerve in your nervous system, causing your whole body to tremble tremendously, and not being able to do anything but let her continue pressing gentle kisses underneath your ear is a blissful moment for you, one you don't want to end.

alas, you felt the loss of her lips on your skin, the creeping feeling of disappointment shown on your facials when you frowned when she pulled away. she notices the change in your mood and is flashing a smug expression back at your frown. "aww... what's wrong? you have quite the long face.." she teased, letting out a little laugh as she spoke. moving one of her hands from your waist to your cheek, she gently caressed it with her thumb, moving it slowly in different patterns and shapes. even as she teases you, that glint of tenderness in her eyes gives your heart a fast-pumping rhythm, just like the many times before she's made your heartbeat hasten.

"..i want to kiss you!" you quietly yet boldly declare right to her face, eyebrows furrowed and eyes slightly squinted to show how much you want—no, you need for her lips to be on yours. after so much restraint and yearning, you deserve at least this much. plus, with how close her lips are to you, how could you not want to kiss her?

you could see her eyes slightly widen at your demand, surprised by your unexpected newfound confidence and boldness, cheeks go slightly red after really processing what you've just said, and she can feel the breath in her throat go away as soon as she tries to speak. "l-like, right now!?" hating the way she stutters, especially in front of someone as pretty as you, the tremble of her lips tells you enough of what she's really feeling right now. "yes, if that's okay with you," you reply, not wanting to force her into something she didn't want to do.

"no! it's..it's okay."

"are you sure?"

"yes, i'm sure (name).."

"are you really sure..?"

"yes, i'm totally sure."

"...okay" you say, not necessarily believing her but still taking her word for it. unwrapping your arms around her neck, you put your grip on her uniform, pulling her even closer to you than before, making her feel your nervous breath on her lips and hers on yours. "..are you ready?" showing your uncertainty in her consent to let you kiss her. you wanted to be ultimately sure that she wanted this too and that this wasn't one-sided by any means possible. "always" she smiled, rather softly and not the smug kind you were expecting. she always had such a dominating aura in your eyes; the way she presented herself wherever she was and the confidence she carries always made your legs buckle and your heart throb.

you went on your tippy toes, making yourself slightly taller than your original height to help you close the gap between your lips better. in your opinion, the lack of space between you two would have made you shiver in distress had it been anyone else that was in her position; she was not anyone else; no, she was the exception. the only way you would let this close to you personally (and literally), she was very, very special indeed.

she must have grown impatient because, as soon as you moved just an inch towards her face, she moved her lips onto yours. her eyes were closed when she went in for the kiss; you, however, were in a state of shock, like time had frozen still, leaving you somewhat paralyzed in the palms of her hands, temporarily helpless as you finally reap what you've sowed for such a very long time. the kiss was nothing grand; the best way you could describe the kiss shared between you two was a peck on the lips. it was very clear that neither of you two had any sort of experience with romance, let alone intimacy. this was probably the first kiss you two were going to have, and god, it felt really good.

"............"

"...wow, that was so hot."

"yeah? really?"

"yeah, really hot, like really, really hot."

"..do you want another one?"

"..hell yeah"

you kissed her one last time, just to make sure none of this wasn't a dream—it wasn't; not one bit was a dream. her lips are reality, her hands touching your cheeks are reality, her being yours is reality, and you being hers is reality. all of this is reality, and goddamn, it feels so fucking good.

["dear diary, FUCK YOU, I HAVE A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND NOW!!"]

•❅───✧❅✦❅✧───❅• •❅───✧❅✦❅✧───❅•

PLEASE DO NOT COPY, REPOST, SHARE, TRANSLATE OR REUPLOAD ANY OF MY WORKS TO OTHER SITES WITHOUT MY PERMISSION + REBLOGS AND COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

#jujustu kaisen #jjk #jujustu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #jujustu kaisen nobara kugisaki #jjk nobara kugisaki #nobara kugisaki x reader #nobara x reader #⭒❃.✮:▹One-shot #gender neutral reader

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epicbuddieficrecs · 6 months

Text

Weekly Recap | November 27th-December 3rd 2023

Usually I schedule these to post around 4-5 PM EST, buuuuuut I just finished this and I don't want to wait. Here's a little midnight treat! Enjoy!

Complete

🔥 like when the sun came out by spaceprincessem/ @spaceprincessem (Canon Divergent, Ghosts | 39K | Mature): Evan gave up trying to explain what happens to him after his parents forced him to have a talk with one of their friends, supposedly a pediatric therapist, and cruelly hinted that if Evan didn’t stop seeing and talking about his “invisible friends” as if they were real then his parents would send him far away to places where they lock children up in padded rooms. “Look,” Evan says quickly, forcing out the words before he gets too scared to speak,” I—I know this is going to sound crazy, but, um, ever since I was a kid I can see ghosts.”

🔥 baby, you were my picket fence by spaceprincessem/ @spaceprincessem (Post-S6, Proposal | 6K | Teen): or Maddie wants to propose to Chimney. She gets Buck involved. Buck can't tell anyone. He somehow proposes to Eddie instead

🔥 Both Blade and Branch by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Post-S6 | 62K | Mature): The chances of being struck by lightning twice are incredibly minute, but Buck still manages to pull it off. During a double date with Marisol and Natalia, nonetheless. Eddie manages to resuscitate him, but as Buck recovers from yet another trauma, Eddie can’t help but notice there’s something very different about him. He’s not quite sure what version of Buck he got back.

love like woven thread by renecdote/ @renecdote (Post-Eddie Begins | 1,8K | General): Aka the one where Eddie is a clothes thief and Buck kind of loves that about him. (Part 1 of Clothes thief Eddie my beloved<3)

wear your heart on my sleeve (I'll protect it) by renecdote/ @renecdote (Post-Shooting | 1,7K | General): The return of clothes thief Eddie, from Buck's POV this time. (Part 2 of Clothes thief Eddie my beloved<3)

hold you in my arms (wrap your soul around me) by renecdote/ @@renecdote (Established Buddie | 4K | Teen): The one where Buck buys Eddie a hoodie and Eddie has a lot of feelings about how family shaped they are. (Part 3 of Clothes thief Eddie my beloved<3)

a most constant heart by renecdote/ @renecdote (Proposal | 1,5K | Teen): when Buck put the ring in his pocket, he forgot to account for the fact that his boyfriend is a clothes thief. (Part 4 of Clothes thief Eddie my beloved<3)

the quiet of your love (after the day’s loud strife) by renecdote/ @renecdote (Married Buddie, Hurt Buck | 3K | Teen): Buck is hurt, Eddie looks after him. (Part 6 of Clothes thief Eddie my beloved<3)

holding pattern by renecdote/ @renecdote (Married Buddie | 2K | Teen): Buck volunteers to fight wildfires. Eddie stays home and worries. (Part 7 of Clothes thief Eddie my beloved<3)

a hundred little pieces by renecdote/ @renecdote (Post-Tsunami | 3K | General): The tap is bloody, the sink stained red, paper towels wadded up and abandoned in it, soaked with blood, and Eddie can taste his heart in his throat, sour and metallic, because he’s doing the math and—shit. Kitchen + blood + blood thinners = only bad things. (Multiplied by Buck, which equals Eddie’s blood pressure jumping through the roof.) (Part 1 of in your hands (my heart))

into the gravity by renecdote/ @renecdote (Getting Together | 6K | General): In which Buck takes care of Eddie. (Part 2 of in your hands (my heart))

wedding bells by renecdote/ @renecdote (Friends to Fiances | 2K | General): The background noise of the movie and the warm weight of his best friend against his side is lulling Eddie towards a nap when Buck breaks the silence. “Do you want to get married?” “Sure,” Eddie answers sleepily. “Fall wedding?” “What?” Buck frowns, and Eddie realises: oh, he meant do I want to get married generally not to him specifically. Then Buck is asking, “Why fall?”

don't leave me like this [i belong to you] by spaceprincessem/ @spaceprincessem (Getting Together, Post-S5 | 3K | Teen): “Okay, on the count of three we both spill whatever it is we need to say.” And, two things happen at once: Buck manages a I slept with Eddie last night while Chimney blurts out Maddie and I slept together. Followed by; Buck, spluttering Aren’t you and Maddie not together?? and Chim practically howling YOU SLEPT WITH EDDIE?

my fire's waitin' for your spark by spaceprincessem/ @spaceprincessem (Post-S4, Getting together | 4K | Teen): Buck is pretty sure the universe is out to get him. And it isn't even the possible concussion he’s now enduring or the fear of having to take an extra few days off of work (or the threat of vomiting on the pavement in front of the squad). No. It’s Eddie fucking Diaz still in his turn out gear shoving Chim and Hen out of the way so he can inspect Buck personally.

🔥 i gave your name as my emergency phone call by spaceprincessem/ @spaceprincessem (Post-S6 | 9K | Teen): “What about his sister?” She asks, eyes back on Eddie. “Or his almost brother-in-law. He can’t call Bobby,” she takes a step forward, arms still tight across her chest, “or Athena or all the other people in your tight little 118 circle.” Eddie stiffens as something hot and wicked licks up his spine. “Buck called—” Me. He cuts himself off before he can finish the sentence. His voice sounds harsh and possessive and protective and not at all how it should when he’s talking to his girlfriend of all people. - or buck and natalia break up. he drunk calls eddie when he's out alone

i love you best when you're just yourself by oklahoma/ @forthewolves (Established Buddie, Christmas | 2K | Teen): Buck’s having trouble picking out the perfect tree for his first Christmas with Eddie and Christopher as Eddie’s boyfriend. Eddie puts those worries to rest quickly.

can't pretend it's platonic (it's just ended) by lecornergirl/ @clusterbuck (Exes to Lovers | 2K | Teen): “Isn’t easy a good thing?” Frank had asked the last time, one day before Eddie broke up with Buck, when he was trying desperately to sort out the mess in his mind. “A lot of people describe good relationships like that. Like it feels easy.” “But it feels too easy,” Eddie tried to argue. “Like—calm before the storm kind of shit, you know what I mean?” “What do you think the storm will be?” Frank asked. Me, Eddie thought, but couldn’t make himself say. I’m the storm. I’m going to fuck it up somehow.

If This Is What The Season Is Bringing by callmenewbie/ @callmenewbie (Post-S6, Christmas | 2K | General): Buck and Eddie made a promise after Eddie decided to leave the 118 and they finally make good on it this Christmas.

wanna get married by elless (Friends to Fiances | 1,4K | General): Eddie has a fever, which means his defenses are down, and some truths slip out.

coax the cold right out of me by oklahoma / @forthewolves (Established Buddie, Hurt Buck | 2K | Teen): “You know,” Eddie begins, running his fingers through Buck’s damp, frizzy curls, “when I booked this cabin for the weekend, I had plans for us to fuck real nasty by the fire.” Buck laughs—an ugly, congested noise that sounds like it hurts when it gets caught in his chest—and tips his head back to meet Eddie’s gaze in the low light of the blazing fire. His big blue eyes are puffy and his cheeks are red, hot by the fire and chapped by the wind; he looks like a kid, almost, sitting on the floor and wrapped tight in a large, black fleece blanket with nothing beneath except a pair of boxers and fuzzy socks. “Well,” Buck croaks, “we’re still by the fire, at least.”

Re-read

🔥 Sunlight is Fire (Burning is a Matter of Degrees) by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Incubbi Buck, FWB | 10K | Explicit): In the wake of Buck's leg injury, Eddie learns that his friend needs some unusual methods to help him recover. Eddie's willing to do whatever it takes to help Buck, and it's not like this could make his quiet pining any worse, right?

🔥 Goodwill is Sent in Snapshots (You Only Get the Full Picture on Return) by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (The Holiday AU | 14K | Mature): When both Evan Buckley and Chimney Han are dumped at the start of December, they decide to swap houses - with each other. A nice two weeks in a different location will be a great unconventional Christmas. Certainly not anything life changing. Then Buck meets Chim's next-door-neighbor, and Chim meets Buck's apartment-crashing sister.

we're not in love (but the sex is good) by elless (Canon Divergent, Nurse Eddie, FWB | 15K | Explicit): Eddie is new to LA. Feeling lonely, he goes to a bar for a drink and meets a beautiful stranger that kisses like a dream. What starts as a one night stand quickly moves to frequent no strings sex. When circumstances lead to them spending time together out of bed, Eddie realizes he’s attached to Buck in a way he never planned for.

#buddie #buddie fic #buddie fanfic #buddie fanfiction #buddie fic rec #911 fanfic #911 fanfiction #911 fic #epic buddie fic rec

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ephedrathirsts · 1 year

Text

Treehouses and Car Seats

Synopsis: Childhood best friends reunite. Cigarettes, pot and unaddressed mutual pining- would could possible go wrong?

Contains: friends to lovers trope, smut, handjobs, sub!Hunter x dom! OC, praise kink, weed and cigarette use, fluff at the end, anxious Hunter

Pairing: Hunter Sylvester x Female OC!

Word Count: 3900

It was about a week after the battle of the bands- a glorious moment in time for Skullflower. Thanks to their stellar performance and Hunter's accident they transformed into micro-celebrities, the talk of the town. People were lining up to talk to Emily, Kevin, and Hunter, asking for autographs, acting like they were always friendly with the metalists, as if the entire school wasn't treating them like a bunch of nobodies a minute ago.

They had a lot of attention thrown their way, especially from the female side of the students, and mostly directed at the vocalist and only bachelor of the group, Hunter himself. So it came as little to no surprise when he got stopped in the hallways, getting offers from girls to sign his cast. He was flattered by the newfound popularity even though he knew it wasn't going to be long-lasting, but a good time was a good time right?

One day, just before first bell an unfamiliar face showed up at Hunter's locker while he was talking to Kevin. "No, I'm telling you, ever since the psych ward I'm a changed man- no outbursts, no-nonsense." Hunter was waving his hands around theatrically, slouching, back against the locker door.

"I will believe this once you actually start seeing a therapist. It wouldn't do you any harm, ya know." Kevin replied with a friendly smile and patted him on the shoulder.

"I don't think a shrink that isn't into metal would get my passion. It would be a hard time finding one on the same wavelength as me..." He started before getting cut off by a person that seemingly appeared out of thin air.

"Killer performance in the battle of the bands. It definitely made picking a new school all the easier! Mind if I sign your cast?" Animatedly uttered a girl that looked vaguely familiar while holding up a sharpie and pointing at Hunter's leg with it, asking for permission.

"Thanks... sure, go ahead." He replied distractedly, looking at her with a quizzical expression. She had wild, long hair, frizzy, sticking in many different directions. She was wearing a lot of rings and dangly necklaces, one of which he could have sworn he had seen before. She had a nose piercing and a very striking tattoo of a feather on her collarbone."Do I know you from somewhere?" He asked a bit rushedly, trying to process what he was seeing.

The girl bent down and quickly scribbled something on his leg. "Is that supposed to be a pick-up line, Hunter? Come on, you can do better!" She answered while standing up and straightening out her skirt. "We are classmates after all!" She playfully retorted, winked at him, and disappeared into the crowded hallway.

"What does it say? I can't bend down to look." Hunter looked at his friend for help.

"It's very weird... It says 'i know you were doing it just to look cool' and a kiss emoji thingy... wait... No way! There is absolutely no way!" Kevin paced around in a little circle, massaging his chin, his eyes moving as fast as his thoughts when the puzzle pieces finally came together.

"She looked familiar, didn't she?" Kevin whisper-shouted at Hunter while moving his eyesight from left to right and backward.

"Yeah? So what? She obviously goes to school here. I've seen her around, that's that." Hunter chirped a bit annoyed at his friend, picking at his cuticles to soothe the new bundle of nerves.

"Dude... choosing a new school..." Kevin supplied slowly, moving his eyebrows in a playful motion.

"Yeah..?" Hunter asked, still visibly confused by his friend's display.

"Summer camp... year eight... the treehouse..." Kevin teased, wanting to give a hint instead of spelling out what was already obvious.

"No way...! It can't be... Raven? Is that Raven?" Hunter screamed in shock, bumping his head on the locker door as he did a little jump in place. "Fuck, ouch!" He squeaked through gritted teeth.

The bell rang, making the boys put an end to the conversation, both of them going in opposite directions. Until Hunter screamed again "Corn-pickle!"

A golden rule upheld through the years- one does not evoke corn-pickle unless in great danger, confusion or inner turmoil. It was the safe word, the friends' version of an SOS, and it was reserved for emergencies only.

"You called Emily?" Hunter spat out, irritation written on his face.

"She is my girlfriend, a band mate, and also your friend, even though you like to deny it. She deserves to be here for a corn-pickle situation as much as I do!" Kevin defended while lacing his fingers with Emily's. She gave him a loving look in return.

''Plus getting my perspective would be of help. You, as much as i love and appreciate both of you, are clueless doofuses. You need another point of view. Especially when it comes to something as serious as Hunter's first love returning!" Emily explained in a brisk and knowing manner.

Hunter's face fell, disapproval radiating from him. He fidgeted with his hands and nervously pushed his hair backward. "What?! First love? What do you mean? It's just... It's just... Raven..." He was out of breath, flushed red with both embarrassment and anger.

"Hunter, please, don't lie to yourself. You were head over hills for her. Just because you don't feel comfortable expressing other emotions than your anger doesn't mean I didn't catch you sobbing into your pillow the day she moved" Kevin whispered reassuringly, placed his hand on his friend's shoulder, and gave him a sympathetic look. Hunter quickly shook it off and started drumming on the sinks' countertop with his fingers.

"You weren't supposed to say this out loud, ever! It was a million years ago anyway... It doesn't matter anymore!" The long-haired boy was pouting like a child, avoiding all eye contact and focusing on the tile floor instead.

"Then it wouldn't be a problem for you to... I don't know... Maybe talk to her. She is here after all. It would be just two old friends catching up." Emily suggested

"Look guys, corn-pickle was a fluke, ok. I'm sorry, everything is fine, I'm alright. Plus standing in a triangle formation talking about life in the men's restroom is stressing me out!" Hunter pleaded to be spared from all of the questioning and smug looks.

"See, I told you this is a bad place to hold an intervention." Emily pointed her finger at Kevin's chest.

"Intervention~"

"It's in the name, alright? 'Rest- room'. He was supposed to be... calmer in here." Kevin struck back.

"How does that make any sense?"

"You don't know the intricacies of a corn-pickle situation!"

"This is my first corn-pickle situation!"

The couple screamed at each other, giving Hunter the perfect excuse to run out of the room... Or more so steadily jump out, supporting himself with his crutches.

"Se ya later, losers" he waved at them with a shit-eating grin while they were still arguing heatedly and screaming, too distracted to notice him go.

"And that's why we should have done this at the cafeteria or the football field, but no! It had to be the smelly restroom. Three people used the urinals as we were speaking! Three people..!" Emily stopped, seeing her boyfriend's puzzled grimace.

"What? I'm sorry, are you mad at me? What happened? She asked hushdly, a bit more aware of her previous tone.

"He is gone... he just dipped..."

Hunter was close to furious. He couldn't bare being around people anymore, so naturally, he headed for the parking lot. Driving around with the windows down would help him clear his head, returning to a semi-peaceful place. While he we digging in his pockets, desperately searching for his car keys, he noticed a figure pressed up against the brick wall through his peripheral vision.

He turned around and saw her, listening to music on her headphones, one foot planted on the wall, the other on the ground, with a cigarette between her lips. "Of course It's you" he mumbled to himself, looking around nervously. It didn't seem like she had seen him. There was still time to hide but he decided against it and marched up to her.

Hunter tapped her shoulder so she removes her headphones and pressed his back next to hers. "Are you doing it just to look cool, you little hypocrite!" He coed with an inviting smile.

"I learned from the coolest. Do you want a drag?" She held up the cigarette to him in proposition.

"Yeah... Of course..." He took it from her, grazing her fingers lightly, and put the cancer stick up to his lips, inhaling slowly, dragging smoke out of his mouth...

...And then he started coughing profusely. The girl couldn't contain her laughter. "Still a poser, huh? You should have just said no. This is fine tobacco, you know! My uncle grinded it himself!" She explained accusatorially.

Hunter scratched the back of his neck, looking down at his shoes. "Oh, wow, really? I'm sorry... I just.. I don't know what came over me..."

To the boy's dismay, Raven began giggling to herself yet again. She was shaking and gagging with laughter. All of a sudden Hunter became more alert and entered first stage of panic mode. She punched his shoulder in a teasing manner and took another drag, exhaling the smoke in his face. "I'm messing with you. These babies are store-bought. And you are a singer anyway- I don't want you messing up that beautiful voice of yours."

He felt more at ease now... maybe enough to do something stupid."How did you know about me singing? About the battle of the bands? "

Raven got lost in thought for a moment, trying to get all of the right words out. She knew about Skullflower (previously named Skullfucker) for some time now. She had seen a Facebook page of the group on one of her many Hunter Sylvester online deep dives. But she needed to keep it cool, calm, and collected, so she did:

"I remember this scrawny little boy from a couple of years ago. He had a terrible fringe and he used to lash out at people. He lived on Gatorade and Sour Patch Kids, but he always saved me the red ones. He used to go on and on about making music, about his idols, about metal! He barely paid attention to anything else..." Raven's cheeks became rosier all the more as she revealed her obsession with him. That wasn't her idea of 'cool, calm, and collected' at all, but there was no stopping now.

"...Then one day I was looking through high schools in the area with my parents and I saw this video, the name of this kid written on top. He wasn't a kid anymore, and he definitely wasn't scrawny. He looked like a real rockstar! So I decided this is definitely the school I wanted to attend.. " She felt exposed but continued nonetheless.

"...Until i met him in person and saw he was kind of a poser... Never meet your heroes, I guess." Her shoulders fell down. She put out her cigarette and gave him a cocky smirk.

Hunter was flabbergasted. His heart was beating out of his chest, his palms sweaty and his vision blurry. Raven came there for HIM. She was talking with such passion about HIM. If he weren't none the wiser he would have kissed her right then and there.

"Is this your first day in this shit hole?" He asked instead

"Yeah, it is. Why?" Raven looked a tad confused at his excited expression.

"Wanna skip class?" He suggested, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

"Fuck, shit, I thought you'd never ask!"

Change of plans- no solitary ride, it's a joined ride now, with Raven getting cozy in the passenger seat, lighting cigarette after cigarette and dusting them off out the window. The wind was playing with her hair, humming in tune with her. She was lazily observing the city she once used to call home. She looked like a cat- playful, blissful, and relaxed.

A new song started playing. Hunter reached out to change it and she grabbed his hand in response. "Please don't, I really like this one." She asked softly.

He obeyed, trying hard not to think of her skin touching his. She had taken off her shoes and put her feet up on the front bar of the car, her skirt rising up to reveal more of her thighs. Hunter was finding it particularly hard not to gauge, but he tried his best. They drove together through narrow, hole-filled roads, leading to the woods and put the car in park.

"Do you want to have the best nap of your life?" Raven asked and reached for her bag, fishing something out of it

"What? What do you.." then he saw it, a blunt rolled up in brown, musky paper.

"It's ok if you don't want to, I know this isn't everyone's idea of a good time. But you seemed tense today. I think you need a bit of a break." She explained caringly.

Come to think of it, it wasn't an unreasonable idea. He was amazed by her noting his nervous ticks like he was good at hiding them. He sifted the thought in his mind- laying back on the car seat, next to Raven, touching her fingers in-between puffs, smelling her shampoo, drifting off next to her... It sounded exquisite!

He was ready for a lazy, calm noon with his old hide-and-seek partner. "Sure, what the hell?!" Hunter smiled expectantly.

"That's my boy!" Raven caressed his chin as declaring.

Hunter felt himself lose vision for a minute.

The air was thick with rain, the smell of pine trees and cones. There was the occasional sound of a bird chirping or a squirrel climbing up a tree. The sun had hidden behind a curtain of cottony clouds. It was peaceful, as if time had stopped.

Hunter had forgotten all about the anxiety he once harbored. He was laughing wholeheartedly, talking freely, making jokes, and even throwing a flirty line or two. There was nothing to worry about- no school, no interventions, no people staring at him in the restroom.

He started remembering his childhood, a time he didn't particularly cherish, but what he did cherish were the shared memories, being able to look back and recognize that he has grown somehow, managed to become better.

He returned to the last summer camp he attended, waking up early in the morning, swimming in the lake with his friends, sneaking off to Raven's cabin after curfew, unbeknownst to the councilors. They used to talk for hours and come up with elaborate schemes to make the stay of everyone else a dreadful nightmare.

They were both childish in nature, little menaces, that's why they used to get along so well. Two slightly insecure, slightly douchy kids that spoke the same language, trying to seem more rebellious than they actually were.

"Do you remember the wishing ceremony?" Raven brought up.

"Yeah, it is probably the most wholesome thing i have ever participated in.." He replied lazily.

"Yeah... But you didn't. You were a cheater!" She stuck her tongue out at him and scrunched her nose. "There's nothing wholesome about being a cheater!" Raven demanded.

"What do you mean cheater? You can't cheat at making a wish!" He tried defending himself after the unforeseen attack

"The wishes only come true on one condition though- not denying or failing to complete a dare!" Raven struck again "What did you carve out in the tree trunk? Did it come true?" She was genuinely interested.

He searched around in his mind. The truth was much too revealing to say aloud so he offered the best next thing he could muster."I wrote that i wanted to be the leader of a successful band.. i guess it's happening... Maybe..." He pushed himself back into the seat and distractedly played with the ends of the girl's hair.

"You know you're gonna jinx yourself if you don't complete the dare soon. You're gonna jinx your dream!" Raven pointed at his chest with her finger

"You are right! Fuck... What was the dare... I don't remember anymore..." Hunter yawned.

"You have to pick up where you left off at the treehouse. We already established you aren't a smoker. No excuses now...no reason to try to impress me with silly antics..."

It came back to him in a flash. The story was charming if not a little embarrassing. All of the preteens had gathered in a circle, playing truth or dare, but nobody was picking truth because it was for 'wusses'. When it came to Hunter's turn, his friend tried to do him the ultimate favor- Kevin dared him to kiss Raven.

He got very agitated and nervous. He explained he didn't want to kiss his 'bro', he didn't want to catch cooties and everything. To alleviate his distress, Raven suggested they go up into the treehouse, so there wasn't any added pressure from the others.

When they climbed up, Hunter began fidgeting with his fingers, trying to find a distraction. He told Raven he wasn't anxious at all. He told her he was only experiencing nicotine withdrawal.

The girl dug in her pocket and gave him a curious-looking stick. "My dare was to steal something from Sandy's room." She offered the cigarette to her friend.

Hunter sighed, thanked her, and lit up the cancer stick with shaking hands. It tasted atrocious and the smoke made his chest heavy, but he had committed to his bit.

"I never realized you were this cool nicotine addict. Smoke your cigarette, then we can climb back down and tell everyone we did it. I don't want to kiss a person that tastes like an ashtray!" Raven proposed, knowing the boy was struggling.

"I'm not doing this to be cool, I have a problem alright!" Hunter screeched, voice cracking in the process. He was relieved. He looked to Raven with gratitude and put out the cigarette the minute she wasn't looking.

Hunter became painfully aware of his body, his hands shaking, his stomach tying in knots... And his member twitching.

Raven had gotten out of her seat and positioned herself on his lap, her chest pressed up against his, her thighs fully exposed to him. He was engulfed in her scent. He could see all of the little freckles on her face, how close her glossy lips were to his.

She grabbed his chin, making him look directly into her eyes, and whispered into his mouth. "I won't tell anyone you're a cheater, I just don't want this weighing on your conscience."

He put his hands on her hips timidly and pulled her closer. "Should i... Do you want me to..?" He whispered back.

Raven grazed Hunter's bottom lip with her thumb and nodded in response. Their lips came together quickly, a peck. Hunter opened his eyes and cursed a little "ah, fuck it!", pulled the girl close in again and kissed her for real.

Raven's lips parted slowly and Hunter's tongue delved in. They were making patterns in each other's mouths, kissing hungrily, gripping on clothes, exploring each other's bodies. Raven began rocking her hips on top of him ferociously. Hunter returned the favor by bucking his hips upward, hitting her sweet spot with his member.

He was as hard as a rock and horny beyond comprehension. They pulled apart for air, chests heaving. It was sticky in the car, hot and sweaty. Hormones were drifting around into the night air.

Hunter bent down again to go in for another kiss but Raven stopped him. "You did it, pretty boy, no need to do any more work now, let me take care of it," she said and pulled on the roots of his hair. He whimpered in response.

Raven licked a strip down Hunter's neck and blew on it. She began sucking on his jaw, on his neck and collarbones, while humping him at a rapid pace. Hunter was dumbfounded, his underwear already drenched with precum. His dick was twitching hard beneath Raven's core and she relished every little moment of it.

She hovered her hand over Hunter's bulge. "Mind if I help you?"

He huffed and groaned a throathy "please".

The girl palmed his cock, feeling it out in her hand through the fabric of his jeans. She brushed it with her fingers and slowly unzipped him.

"Do you want me to make you come, pretty boy? Do you want my hand on your cock?" Raven asked not even trying to cover her lust for him

"Mhm" he moaned.

"Use your words, handsome! Otherwise, I won't know what you want." She teased again

"It's embarrassing" he turned his ruby face away

"How could it be embarrassing when you're so hot, writhing under me? Be a good boy, good boys always get rewarded" she purred into his ear.

He couldn't pretend anymore. He wanted her to drain him dry. "Please, fuck me with your hand!" He groaned and faced her again.

"Such a sinful little boy..." Raven spat on her hand and started pumping him fast. She bit on his neck, sloppily leaving marks along the way. Hunter was moaning hard, surrendering all control to his master. He could feel her cold rings stroking his shaft, her fingers toying with him.

Raven smeared the precum leaking out of his dick over his tip with her thumb, and cupped his balls with her other hand.

"Do you want to kiss me still, pretty boy?" she breathed into his mouth.

Hunter lowered his head and collided with the girl, his groans stifling in the kiss. He was sucking on her tongue passionately, bucking his hips upward yet again to fuck her fist, expecting the incoming irruption.

Raven broke away from the kiss. She knew he needed one last push. "If you are so needy for my hand, I can only imagine how fast you'd come when you're balls deep in my pussy." She giggled

That was the nail in the coffin- Hunter was thrusting into her hand, bursting all over her fingers, riding out the best high of his life. Raven was still pumping him hard, milking out each and every drop.

"Wasn't so hard now, was it? Good boys get to come, scared ones just smoke a pocketed cigarette in a treehouse." She smirked and stroked Hunter's hair, putting the strands sticking to his forehead back in place.

"If I knew you were going to do this, I would have begged you a long time ago." He chuckled and cleaned her hand with a tissue. She was staring down at him, still on his lap, a victorious expression adorning her features.

"Thank you for helping my dream come true," he said timidly

"That was just an excuse, I already know you'll be incredibly successful, you are an amazing player!" She caressed his cheek.

"That wasn't what I carved into the tree trunk. I just wanted you..." Hunter confessed

"I'm here now, here to stay" she answered reassuringly and kissed his temple.

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