#do you want me to be further depressed? I need treats to not lose it

[zoekrystall]

Guess who showed so much self restraint while buying food. Why did they suddenly have pkmn mugs I wanted to buy that 3d eevee one so badly. It was a big one too!! Perfect for my caffeine addiction I need more big ones. I already bought okami merch recently for too much since I couldn't believe I found them in the wild (finally having an okami shirt and amaterasu plushie was worth it but hnnn I should watch it more).

[eddiesxangel]

would LOVE a follow up to the brother’s best friend eddie fic where adam finds out they hooked up and just kinda loses it. maybe some angst with a happy ending if you do? i love the fic and thought all the details and feelings were perfect!

I'm so glad you enjoyed the first part! I hope this is up to your expectations. 🤗

cw: Allusions to smut, Mentions of depression, angst with a fluffy ending.

Tag list from part 1: @lofaewrites @lavendermunson @imyourdaninow@itsfreakingbats @allthingsjoeq

Wc: 2k

Read Part 1 here

What Adam Doesn’t Know | Eddie Munson x f!Reader

Ten days. It has been ten days since you slept with Eddie, and you haven't heard a word from him since he kissed you goodbye that next morning. He confessed to having feelings, so why is he treating you like a one-night stand? He hasn't taken any further steps since he fucked you. The situation left you feeling angry, frustrated and used. You wanted to talk to him, but you'll be damned if you were the one to reach out first. Sure, you were stubborn, but you also loved him. So you waited to give him another chance.

Eddie thought things would be okay after he got you out of your system. He just needed to scratch the itch that was you. Wrong.

Eddie was even more obsessed with you and didn’t know what to do about it. He knew Adam would be so not okay with this. He has already expressed his disdain about Eddie pursuing you.

Adam and Eddie have been through a lot together. Adam supported Eddie through family struggles and being held back in high school. Adam has always been there for Eddie, no matter what. The guilt is eating away at him...if he's hiding the fact that he slept with you and has developed feelings for you? He was screwed.

You were browsing the junk food aisle at the grocery store. Try to pick up your favourites to help you wallow in self-pity and eat your feelings. Just as you were to reach for the Doritos, you heard your name.

“Tink,” you look over your shoulder.

“Oh. Hi Eddie,” you turn back to face the aisle.

“Tink, please; I’m sorry”

“No, I get it. I’m just another notch on your belt.”

“No. You are the last thing from that, and you know it.”

“Do I, Eddie?”

“Ugh, I know! I know I screwed up. But let me explain? Please?”

“You have five minutes.”

“I’m sorry, Tink. I’m not avoiding you on purpose… it’s just that Adam had said something, and I didn’t want to keep this from him, but I didn’t know what you wanted to do... We didn't get to talk much.”

“What did he say?”

“He said that you and I were never going to happen. That he thinks it’s ridiculous.”

“So what, you believe him?”

“What? No!”

“So what, Eddie? Adam is a moron.”

“And so am I for not calling you. Please let me make it up to you. I want to take you on a date.”

“A date?” Your heart betrayed you by fluttering.

“Yes, a real all-American date. I’ll pick you up; I’ll bring you flowers. I can take you to dinner, then I’ll take you to the movies where we can suck face, and you let me feel you up in the back of the theatre. The whole shebang”

This made you giggle.

“What do you say?”

“Okay, Eddie,” you smiled.

It was late morning, and you were waking up in Eddie's bed. It's been three weeks since you ran into him in the grocery store. You were officially dating' you were Eddie's girl, and I couldn't be any happier.

You weren’t dating secretly because Robin and Nancy knew about the relationship, but you weren’t telling Adam... yet.

"Morning baby," Eddie's gravelly morning voice sent a shiver down your spine. You were both naked under the covers. Eddie's morning wood was pressed up against your outer thigh as you lay on your back.

"Morning," you reply, still sleepy.

"You cold?" Eddie saw the goosebumps pepper your skin.

"mmm hmmm"

"Well, let me fix that," he smirked.

Eddie had you on all fours, screaming his name over and over as he fucked you from behind. He was so deep inside you swore you could feel him in your stomach. He had you so cockdrunk you couldn't form any thoughts. In your opinion, it was one of the best times you've had, but any time you have sex with Eddie, it seems to top that last.

As you flop down on the bed, all blissed out from your orgasm and your limbs feeling like jelly, Eddie gets up to get a damp cloth to clean you up.

You watched as Eddie pulled on his sweatpants and walked out of the room.

Eddie unexpectedly saw Adam sitting on his couch watching TV as he exited his bedroom.

"What the hell?! Shit man, you scared me.” Eddie chuckled uncomfortably. God, he hoped you stayed in the room.

“So this the same chick you keep blowing me off for?” He motioned to the bedroom, obviously hearing everything.

“W-what are you doing here?”

“We were jamming.”

“Shit, oh god, dude i'm sorry, I lost track of the time-”

“I can’t be too mad; she sounded like a really good time.” He winked.

“Adam.”

"What?! You really fucked her brains out. She was all, oh my god, Eddie, you're the best. You're the biggest I've ever had," he said in a high-pitched tone.

You swore you heard Eddie speaking but didn't hear the phone ring?

“Baby, what’s taking so long? I miss you.” You walk out of the room not bothering to put on anything. “Ahhhhhhhhh!” You run back screaming into the bedroom when you see your bother.

“DUDE WHAT THE FUCK”

“Man, I can explain.”

“YOURE FUCKING MY SISTER”

“Well yea but it’s not like that… I like her dude”

“How long.”

“What”

“How long have you been going behind my back”

“Look we were going to tell you”

You bravely walk back out with a shirt and pants on this time

“Adam, calm down, please.” You beg as you intertwine your fingers with Eddie. He needs your support.

“Calm down?!”

“Yes.”

“How long have you been going behind my back, Ed?”

“The first time was a month ago.” You spoke up.

“How did this even happen?”

I found her crying walking home in the rain; she needed a place to stay...”

“Oh well, isn't that romantic... NOT”

“Adam, you seriously need to chill the fuck out,” you ask.

“Fuck you.” Adam directed back to you.

“Hey!” Eddie got defensive.

“You don’t get to be mad right now.” Adam pointed out.

“You’re being so unfair, Adam.” you spoke.

“Unfair? I’ll give you unfair. Eddie you have to choose right now. It’s me or her.”

“What !?” You cried.

“Come on, man...” Eddie begged.

“No, dude. You can’t have us both. It’s either me or her.”

You can't believe your brother. He is being so childish. Can't he see the good in the situation?

“Tink I…” Eddie's voice shook.

“No... I get it. You can’t ever choose me over him.” You tried so hard not to let your voice crack.

Oh, how you wished you were a kid again to wallop Adam.

“You take everything nice thing I have and ruin it. You did that with my stuff and my toys. And now you’re doing it with my real life, and it’s fucked up, Adam. Be lucky that I don’t tell Mom and Dad.”

“They can’t do anything. I’m an adult.”

“Then start acting like one and not some kid who got his truck stolen on the playground.” With that, you slammed the door behind you.

It has been two weeks since you left Eddie's apartment. You have yet to speak to either Eddie or Adam since then. Unfortunately, you both had to go home for Reading week, and your only option for a ride home was with Adam. It was a very silent hour-long car ride as Adam drove home the both of you. You refused to speak to him.

You didn't even know why you respected Adam's wishes; he couldn't tell you what to do! But then again, they were Eddie's wishes as well.

You hugged your mom and dad hello and went to your old bedroom. There, you stayed for the night, not coming down to eat or socialize. Your mother was worried. She knew something was wrong.

“Honey. Is there anything you want to talk about?” She opened the door the next morning.

“Yea. You birthed the spawn of Satan.”

“So this is about your brother...” she sighed. She must be really tired of having to be in the middle of you two fighting all the time. “What happened?”

You can no longer hold in your feelings. The only people who know are Robin and Nancy because you broke down when you returned to your apartment.

“I finally had Eddie! Like he actually likes me back, Mom!” It was no secret to your family that you’ve been obsessed with Eddie Munson your whole life. “He likes me, and Adam made him choose between me and him! So obviously, he chooses Adam!" Now you’re sobbing.

“What? Why would he do that?”

“Because he has to take everything good in my life and ruin it. It’s been that way ever since we were kids.”

“Honey…”

“You know it’s true. So now I’m heartbroken because I got to experience what it was like to be with him, and it was ripped out from under me.” She sighed again as she stroked your hair.

“I’m going to have your father speak to him.”

“Like that will do anything.” You mumble.

The next day, you decide you need to leave your room.

You’re in what you call your depression outfit. A hoodie, actually, it’s Eddie’s, sweatpants, matched with your throw blanket wrapped around you.

You plant yourself on the couch for the rest of the day. Most of your spring break consisted of being depressed and moving from the couch to your bed. Were you being dramatic? Yes, but you needed to prove a point. You needed Adam to see how his selfishness affected you.

"You really still not speaking to me?" Adam finally breaks the silence on your way back to school.

You don't even look in his direction.

"Come on, Tink! This is ridiculous!"

"No! You are ridiculous. You may have your best friend choose between you and his girlfriend.

"Girlfriend?!"

Yea, Adam. We were together. Like together, together. We weren't just fucking behind your back."

"I- I didn't-"

"You wouldn't have because you didn't, let's explain. You made it the Adam special. Like you always do. Newsflash, not everything is about you."

"Well, it freaked me out! I didn't want to lose him to you."

"How could you lose him to me? If anything, you would see more of me, not the other way around."

"Ugh!"

"How is he doing?" You dared to ask.

"He's miserable." He mumbled.

"Oh, Adam."

"Yea, yea, I know I have to fix this."

Adam pulls up to your student housing unit, and you can see Eddie sitting on your front porch. You sprint out of the car before Adam even puts the car in park, running into Eddie's arms, not caring about what Adam sees.

“I can’t do this. I can’t not see you or talk to you. I’ve been miserable without you.” He wraps his arms around you.

“Eddie-” your heart swelled. He was choosing you.

“Please, I don’t care what Adam says anymore. He can get over it. He will get over it. But I have to be with you.”

"Hey, man," Adam greeted.

"Hey," you moved so you faced Adam, but Eddie's arm was still wrapped around your shoulder.

"Look, I uh... I overreacted, and if she makes you happy, then... I guess I'm cool with it." He shrugged.

"Thanks, Man." You looked up to see Eddie smiling.

"I don't want to hear about any more sext stuff between you two. I still have PTSD." He laughed uncomfortably.

With that, Eddie got your bags from the car, and Adam left the two of you to be alone.

You walked into your house, and the girls weren't back yet; they wouldn't be coming back until tomorrow.

"You came back for me." You smiled before tilting your head up to kiss him.

“I was not letting him take away the best sex I’ve ever had; he can get over it.”

“The best sex you’ve ever had, huh?”

“With the best girl I’ve ever had.” He smiled before you led him to your bedroom...

[gwenllian-in-the-abbey]

i think Helaena can be autistic but also a happy and joyful girl , autism ≠ depression. the way the portrayed the only neurodivergent character on screen as unstable, shunned depressed, and with no importance to the plot feel very ableist and weird , but then they're the ones who made the guy with a foot disability a feet fetishist 🫠

Hi OP, finally answering this because the trailer dropped and still the only Helaena shots we have are from her Jaehaerys' funeral. There is also one still photo of her. If you haven't seen it, here she is, apparently sewing the funeral shroud for her little boy:

So it seems like season 2 is going to continue on this trajectory for Helaena as a character who exists in order to suffer beautifully.

Don't get me wrong. I am glad that the show is going to wring the full emotional effect from Blood and Cheese, not just shock value. The audience will feel the real horror of a six year old child brutally murdered in his own home and the psychological torment of Helaena. It should be terrible, it should be devastating, and I hope they do not pull any punches.

What's disappointing about how the show has handled Helaena is that they didn't really put any effort into building up her character before her tragedy. It's all well and good that she likes bugs and she's touch averse, but what are her opinions? Who is she closest to? How did she react to becoming a mother so young? To what extent does she understand her visions? What does she value? She can be happy and cheerful, or she can be frustrated and angry, and hell, she can be depressed too, but I need to know why. It's telling that I can describe the basic internal motivations for each of the male children, including Luke who was a glorified plot device, but I cannot for Helaena. Aegon wants to feel loved, Jace wants to prove he's as worthy as any trueborn heir, Aemond wants what his brother has, Luke wants to be free from his family's expectations. Helaena? Fuck if I know. I guess she wants not to die horribly.

The ableism is an issue. F&B is full of women who were deemed "simple" -- Gael, Daella, Jaehaera-- without being given much else to define them, and HotD adds another (there's something, I think, to the way the "simple" Targaryens are always women and how disability kind of used as a way to remove them from the narrative and shunt them aside, often tragically). And while it's great to see an autistic person represented on screen, the show consistently has an issue with treating representation as characterization. "Autistic girl who likes bugs" is not a personality. Autistic people, (even those with horrifying prophesies I assume), do have hopes and dreams and feelings about things. The one peek we get into Helaena's life is at the in episode 8 when she roasts Aegon and even that scene is open to interpretation (and gets taken wildly out of context). Now, I can read a lot into the actor performances, but ultimately, lines that could have given a glimpse Helaena personality were cut. It's as if they're afraid that if they give her an opinion on anything she would lose that (frankly kind of infantilizing) "pure cinnamon roll too good for this world" "i would die for her" sympathy from people who are not inclined to be sympathetic for her family as a whole.

(And anon, you're right about Larys. And let me say, turning Larys' clubfoot into the punchline of an OnlyFeet joke also does not inspire confidence that they'll handle Aegon II's eventual disability with any sensitivity either, especially when Mushroom's accounts of his last few months are incredibly mean spirited. We need to start that discourse now so they get the memo).

Sadly, I don't think the show really has any intention of course correcting with Helaena in season 2. I imagine at most we'll have her try to warn Aegon and/or Aemond about Blood & Cheese but they won't understand her warning, and then this will be a vehicle to further their guilt and grief. And while we do need to see Aegon's guilt and his grief, I also want to know if Helaena blames herself, if she wishes they'd run away when they had the chance, if she thinks Aegon could have done something, if she is angry at Aemond for killing Luke, if she wants revenge. I do think, with the public funeral for Jaehaerys, they are going to show that the smallfolk are fond of Helaena, and hopefully that will be expanded upon this season and in season 3 because her death is the catalyst for the revolt that sees Rhaenyra driven from the city, and we should understand why her death has such an impact before she actually dies.

[sophieinwonderland]

People in Trump supporting areas who grew up impoverished are part of the same systemic issue. This is a controversial opinion, but they are worthy of compassion just like anyone else. They are a product of their circumstances and an intentionally awful education system intended to keep them from thinking critically so that they can be easily controlled and manipulated. Are there exceptions? Of course. But the exceptions are outliers due to the good luck of a higher IQ and/or loving and compassionate parenting and/or coming into other ideas at the right points of their development. It doesn’t mean we have to agree with them or tolerate their views. But we don’t have to hate them or be intolerant of the person themselves for those views. They’re mixed up and confused and likely grew up knowing only hate. More division is not what the world needs.

That anon said nothing about hating endo systems or being intolerant of them. They said this is why people with trauma histories might become upset when linking plurality as a whole to DID caused by trauma. They did not say endos therefore need to hide or shouldn’t exist. It is possible to be inclusive of both sides. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. You are putting words in their mouth by talking of hate as a way to further ostracize the viewpoint from your audience.

It’s disappointing and sad how unwilling you seem to hear other perspectives that don’t fully match yours. Granted, you’re not alone in that.

The internet is full of all these filter bubbles and it’s so very isolating and depressing.

Best of luck.

It's not being unwilling to hear it. It's just "a lot of sysmeds are sysmeds because bad things happened to them" isn't some brand new revelation to me.

The question is... what do you do with that information?

Actually changing the mind of just a single person so deeply embedded in bigotry requires a monumental effort and time investment that can feel akin to cult deprogramming. Except cult deprogramming only happens when you get someone away from said cult, while sysmeds will still be very embedded in their communities, and changing their minds can mean them losing long-time friendships. They are socially incentivized to not change their point of view.

Should knowing the cause change anything about how I behave towards them?

I mean, I'm already not someone going around harassing people. I'm not sending hate to their inboxes. I'm not throwing around profanities and slurs. I don't even call people stupid... even though some of their takes are so brain-rot-inducing as to make me want to rip our hair out.

I'm firmly against that sort of behavior because I find it counterproductive.

So what does this view actually change?

It is possible to be inclusive of both sides.

It's not.

Sorry.

You can't be tolerant to the intolerant.

Being inclusive to sysmeds gives them the opportunity to spread system medicalism. Maybe you can change their minds over a long period of time, but maybe they come into your spaces, spread toxicity, and even indoctrinate impressionable people with their hate.

Ideas can spread like viruses, and I think hate should be treated as a viral infection. At least when it's small enough to be effectively quarantined.

Moreover, a space that's inclusive towards sysmeds can't be a safe space for their victims.

This, for the most part, isn't personal. It's not about punishing people for being bad. It's just about ensuring their ideas can't spread further and harm others.

That anon said nothing about hating endo systems or being intolerant of them. They said this is why people with trauma histories might become upset when linking plurality as a whole to DID caused by trauma.

What they're referring to, specifically, is honestly a bit unclear. It was about why people with DID are "upset about plurality." And there are a lot of ways the can be interpreted. Although I don't think it's a leap to say that the "hurt people hurt people" line was alluding to people who actively attack and/or harass endogenic and pro-endo systems.

I didn't get the impression that it was about linking plurality to DID, but rather the plurality itself.

[esterzach]

I love digging through things, listening, or reading people's thoughts about how they perceive the things they watch. There is always something new, something that will lead to a new angle, a new way of seeing things, or an idea. Even if it's the opposite opinion, it can lead to the point where I can change my mind about one thing or make solidify an opinion ( out of simple stubbornness sometimes). The need for a dialog and conversation makes things clearer. Almost always. Different opinions are precious. One word or expression can lead to a new perspective.

Unlike many, I love the whole drama between Moiraine and Lan in the first two episodes. But these two have known each other for 20 years. So that seems... stupid? Unlike them maybe...

From the beginning of S1, Moiraine's depression was expected. Her being mean to Lan though... I get at some point lashing out to your closest when you are hurt and there is no one to blame... Still, that was her attitude for the last 6 months? And she is vicious. It's not only cutting him off and not talking to him. And he sees through that right away and rightfully so is pissed off. Because it is offensive, to exclude someone who walked and fought shoulder to shoulder with you, shared everything, all of a sudden sending the message that he is not that important. 

It gets worse. She is implying this is not something new. She was withholding things from him for a while, maybe since the beginning, or at least that's what she wanted him to think, keeping him in the dark about many things. That line bothered me "We've never walked this path together. You've never seen the forest for the trees, because I've never shown it to you." He knows about their mission everything, he needs to know. Well, at least up until 6 months ago, when she was skipping a couple of things. Like Rand being alive and Ishamael being freed. Even when she says that it still feels that it's not enough. That statement goes for a lot more than this. (And we know now that there is more that she hides - that she released the Bond and she had been preparing that for quite some time). Now that is enough material to be angry and offended at if you had complete trust in someone for many years. Hell, they are in each other's heads. How is that even possible? To be so blind, so deceived. And he loses it. Anyone would be furious. But even after that, he is still there, still telling her "I am not letting you walk away from me again". Her "I know" says a lot. The unspoken "That's why I am going to go further." The threat to take away his choice and hurt him, make him go with someone else by force is genuine, she will do it.

She is actively aiming to piss him off landing blow after blow. All the time.  And it works. Because he eventually gets to a place where he asks: "I swore myself to you, because I trusted you. Because I thought we were in this together. Equals. That was never true, was it, Moiraine?" "We were never equals." Most of us see right through it. After the initial WTF, woman?! How could she say that?, there was the "Oh, she means she always thought she was better than him!" Especially since that comes right after their previous conversation where she downright tells how she chose him for her Warder. Because he was braver than her. One last moment of honesty, one last present for the road. And she sends him away. She knows he will ignore that little moment until much later, that he will be too distracted now, will focus on the other matter - that she sends him away. He will be distracted enough to ignore her words, until much later when he is calm and goes through their conversations, and will remember that confession and it will eventually realize the meaning behind words. That memory walk was placed there on purpose. We hear it, but because we aren't that angry with her, we weren't treated like we were inferior for months, we get it. He doesn't. And that's the plan.

Moiraine understands he knows her well and sees what she is trying to do, and her trying to push him away or try to make him leave her would never work. He will see through her, and ignore her. He is angry at her, but he is still there. She had her confirmation - she tried to leave and he followed her, and they were almost killed. That probably served to make her feel she was right about her plan.  And she landed the last blow with "We've never walked this path together." And that leads him right where she wanted him to be. In order for "We were never equals" to be perceived as it was from him, she had to undermine his confidence in the meaning of their relationship, of their mission, of the way she sees him. She had to erode his confidence in her, to make him doubt about how she actually thinks of him. With lines like "Door" or "I'll have my dinner here". This is not the writers enhancing Moiraine's unpleasant features from the book, because they were never there in the show at all. I feel like unless she needs to behave like that in some situations, she avoids consciously this type of behaviour, because she doesn't like it. Treating people like servants must leave a bad taste, considering her origins and her stay in The Tower and she never used it before. Now she does. And blatantly at that. She is pulling off this to Lan of all people. And she needs to do that for quite a while, so it looks believable to him. Everyone eventually will get tired of certain behaviours, no matter how patient they are. And it works. Just for a while though. 

[your-queer-dad]

Hi dad!

I was wondering if I could get some advice? I’m in college (a 2nd semester junior transmasc), and I feel like I don’t really have any close friends. I have a lot of friends on campus, in clubs I’m in, in my classes, my coworkers, but none of them are like very close, close. Like we’re never together outside of class, or work, or rehearsal, etc. I’m alone most of the time, and I feel like I just don’t even know how to start making closer and deeper friendships. I’ve been pretty depressed this semester and I am sad thinking I’m going to graduate so soon, and it feels like I haven’t done any of the “stereotypical college shit,” if you know what I mean? I was homeschooled, was basically abused in ballet schools in high school (lol they treated us so badly), didn’t have any friends in high school and really struggled with my mental health then. I think I’m generally pretty friendly and I like being extroverted, I’ve discovered, but like it feels like there’s some sort of wall preventing me from going further with my friendships. I think being trans also makes me feel pretty isolated, even tho a lot of my friends are queer and trans. Yesterday, I got back to my dorm after classes and working in the research lab I’m an undergrad in, and I just wanted to spend time away from my schoolwork and research. None of my friends were available/responded to me id they wanted to hang out, one of my friends I was hanging out with earlier this semester has been blowing me off because they’re hooking up with this girl and they’re together a lot. I decided to take a little walk around campus to see if maybe I’d run into someone or see something interesting, or many go get a drink or something, but then I just saw everyone else hanging out with their friends and I got even more upset that I’m literally always alone, so I went back to my dorm and just cried and cried. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I want to have close friendships but it feels like I wasn’t good at it when I was in elementary school (I was in public school for that, homeschooled for middle and high school), I didn’t have any friends in middle or high school, was also bullied in middle school at my old dance studio, and god I just feels like it’s repeating again. I’m sick of being alone. I also think I’ve been pretty depressed this semester, I am losing interest in things I usually like, I want to pick up a new hobby or something because everything I usually like just isn’t doing it for me - but like I’m so busy I have no idea how I would even begin fitting that into my schedule. :( i also got injured this semester and so I haven’t been able to dance and do weightlifting like usual and that’s been majorly throwing me off too. I just feel a bit lost and I’m sad that I’m so close to graduation and it feels like I’ve wasted me time in undergrad and have been prioritizing my academics and research too much, I don’t know :(

Do you have any advice on what to do? I’m so tired of being always alone :(

And I’m so sorry this is so long, I really don’t have anyone else to talk to :(

Hey kiddo! Thank you for reaching out, it sounds like a really tough situation and I'll do the best I can to help out.

Honestly, I completely understand where you're coming from. Making friends is hard, especially deep close friendships. And my honest answer is it takes time, and work and a lot of energy.

But the first step is truly just being yourself. I know it's so overplayed and cheesy, I'm sorry. But doing things that you want to do, talking to new people and accepting opportunities to meet people- basically just putting yourself out there- the right people will come.

Keep doing what you like do, and speak to new people, especially people with similar interests to you. Good friendships take time, as annoying as it is- but you will find the right people for you I promise. And until then, you're more than welcome to reach out to me anytime you need to chat!

I'm so proud of you kiddo, and I'm here for you night or day

- dad x

[whisky-tango-foxtrot-biteme]

Healing

To me, healing is an odd thing when you've experienced verbal, emotional, or psychological abuse. Trust in others has been broken, your abuser will go to some extreme lengths to protect himself, and you can lose relationships in the process. People you felt were your family, friends, or "tribe" walk away in silence because either they have something in their relationship to your abuser that is rewarding to them. or they don't want to rock the boat, or they themselves may fear the abuser.

So a victim of this kind of abuse has no physical wounds to say "hey, look at what happened to me." It's difficult to prove. Your abuse may have occurred privately. Your tribe may silently ignore the situation. One key idea to keep in mind is trauma is anything that makes you feel unsafe--physically, emotionally, or psychologically. Emotional abuse is also closely linked to complex PTSD.

There is a large number of folks out there who believe "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." That is false. Verbal abuse is aggression and it is emotional violence. It is often hidden in the shadows, where your abuser wants you. It can cause you to self-gaslight. When you have been gaslighted, you are put in a position where you question your own reality. You will ask yourself if "was what happened to me really that bad?", "am I really a bad person?", "did I exaggerate?" This is self-gaslighting. The answer to all of these questions is NO. If your abuser was actually concerned about you as a person, you would have been treated with respect, honesty, and without humiliation or deceit. Abusers do not care about their victims.

Healing is not easy. It requires that you acknowledge to yourself it happened. You need to validate yourself and use positive self-talk and make your well-being a priority. Document your abuse. Write about it. Be specific. That way, you are less likely to doubt yourself.

Remember that words DO have a physical effect on us. Words have specific meaning and they convey thoughts that can be absolutely cruel and demeaning. Words that are intended to harm you will cause a fight or flight response in you. Cortisol levels rise. Anxiety will rise. This causes real physical issues: migraines, increased blood pressure, digestive issues. It also causes further psychological issues: you are unable to recall details, you may ruminate, you are much more likely to experience depression.

Do not blame yourself. You likely absorbed an untrue message from your abuser or maybe his flying monkeys from a smear campaign that you are a bad person or that you deserved the abuse. That is absolutely 100% false. It is not about you, but about your abuser's need to control you. Do not engage with your abuser if they ever reach out and do not respond to any flying monkeys. You are not under any obligation to justify yourself. What your abuser wants is to trigger any response out of you for their own egotistical purposes. They desire the attention brought to them. Again, this is a tactic to shield themselves, to prevent the sunlight placed on their malicious behaviors.

In my situation, my abuser absolutely hated that I grey rocked his ass. It made him increasingly angrier. It made him lash out at the end with a humongous smear campaign and a string of viciously insulting texts. If you cannot remove the abuser from your life completely, be aware that this type of behavior will continue until you can. Find someone who can help, someone you can talk to, someone who appreciates you. I was fortunate. I had a sister who saw through all of this and was there to witness some of this behavior and who supported me both in person and via text and phone. I understand finding that person may be difficult. Call 988 or get therapy ASAP. You need to process this emotional trauma and understand it was never about you and it was not your fault.

Healing is not easy. You will feel anger, resentment, loneliness, guilt, lack of self-esteem, shame, a ton of negative emotions. This is EXACTLY what your abuser wants to you experience. These are emotions that can isolate you, break you mentally, and cause you depression and anxiety. Your abuser wants to 100% break you. Do not let them do that. Reach out, ask for help and support. It is a form of self-love. There is no shame in letting the world know you need help and letting the world know your truth. Develop a powerful compassion for yourself by kicking your abuser out of your life and out of your mind. Communicate and connect with others who will model love, wisdom, compassion, and acceptance to you and reflect that back out into the word. Do not let an abuser put you in a place where you are in a place of hate, fear, and anger.

[alixgracchus]

directory's commentary on the sladick series? ('Tis but thy name that is my enemy)

HOHOHOHOHO okay so! I don't know where to start....

Originally this was supposed to be a one-shot to relieve the pressure of my oncoming finals, and then stress made me write a sequel, and things just got out of hand.

I think if you follow me you've seen me reblog posts critical of the B*tfam (doing this to avoid my post showing up in searches) becoming a nuclear family, so I am aware I do look hypocritical making Sladick a nuclear family. The truth is that the trope has always appealed to me as equally if not more than the found family trope. I have been brought up in a deeply hetero-normative environment where starting a family was kind of the ultimate goal even if members of my immediate family never did so. It took a lot of time in that situation to even figure out I was queer. So I think it has conditioned me a lot on the subject!

Nonetheless, I still rationalized my choice to make Dick and Slade form a "traditional" family though I never explicitely explored that in my series. Since I've been heavily influenced by my pre-Flashpoint reads, I wanted to portray the B*tfam as anything but a family. Bruce never fostered that kind of environment with any of the kids, with Jason being the relative exception to the rule. Bruce has always seen Dick as his equal, though he is not entirely conscious of that. They shared a deeply traumatizing event of their life and that made Bruce relate to Dick intensely. Dick got parentified at a young age and held to the same unrealistic standards Bruce holds himself to. Bruce grew up without a traditional family structure. Dick, on the other hand, had a deep need to find in his new environment the dynamics he had with his parents before their death. While Dick never consciously considered Bruce as his father, this man was the father figure of his childhood. The thing is that Bruce never behaved as a father or as a caretaker, instead pushing Dick in that role. It left a deep wound on Dick, who found himself without the parental structure he so desperately needed. It deeply impacted his adult and love lives. Dick subconciously sought to recreate that familial environment he so desperately lacked, be it with the Titans or his romantic partners. His romantic failures and the disband of the Titans dealt a huge blow to him and his stability, and after that it was a slippery slope to depression. Slade, on the other hand, had grown up in a traditional familial environment, but one that was violent and abusive. Like many, Slade took the first opportunity to escape his situation. The military offered him a stability he had never known with the familiarity of violence. And again like many, Slade vowed he wouldn't be the father his own was, though he did end up like him in many ways. Slade is a family man. His family is deeply important to him, and losing it was a huge traumatizing event in his life and something he never got over. Grant's death only drove the knife further in the wound. While Addie and him have a truce, he is not on speaking terms with either Joey and Rose because he has come to see himself as a threat to them and, deep down, as worse than his own father which brings a lot of self-loathing. But Slade still subconsciously yearns for that stability that a traditional nuclear family represents. I also think Slade has weathered enough shit in his mercenary career to be able to actually settle down for good. So it's only logical that both Slade and Dick would eventually start a family of their own, even if they have to navigate this blind and do things in their own way.

Jason was the "relative" exception in that Bruce did treat him more like the son he never had before his death. Jason idolized Bruce. After his return, there was a definite rift between them. Jason never forgave Bruce for not avenging him. His relationship with Dick was more "in absentia" before his death, an impossible standard Bruce held Jason to. Concerning Alberto, I have a lot more to say, but I don't know if I will ever write a spin-off centered around him and Jason.

Tim had parents and so never considered Bruce more than a mentor. In fact, the one he idolized was Dick. They really bonded together, in part because Tim already adored him but also because Dick felt guilty about Jason's death and had many regrets, and felt like he had a chance to "make up" by becoming Tim's older brother of sorts. Their relationship was very affectionate, and they had a solid friendship. Bruce got jealous, and felt Dick was trying to take his place. Eventually, Dick and Bruce had a huge fallout that ended up permanently damaging their relationship, and Tim had to pick a side. Dick felt betrayed and deeply hurt to see Tim chose Bruce over him, and their relationship never recovered from that. While they did stay in contact, and Dick eventually forgave Tim, things never went back to how they were. This is one of Tim's biggest regrets, and he holds himself responsible for Dick's depression. Dick actually made a suicide attempt at some point, but Tim rescued him in time. It traumatized Tim, and scared him quite a lot, especially since Kon had just recently died. Eventually, Tim distanced himself from Bruce and became Red Robin to pursue his vigilante career in another city, leaving the mantle to Damian.

I don't know enough about either Cass or Stephanie to write about them, so I've left them out of the story so far. It can def change in the future!

Joey might make an appearance too, mainly because I want to explore Slade's past.

Uuuh hope this long ass infodumping pleased you anon!!!

[tahyal]

💌 hello angel, I hope you are well! how is life treating you?

I was hoping to ask you for some guidance, or just your blatant opinion. I’ve always admired your wisdom, your closeness to spirit and I deeply trust your willingness to answer anything to the best of your ability.

Truthfully I am seeking out other options + opinions on how I can lose weight, healthily. I know you’re well versed in the natural remedies and holistic methods by means of taking care of the body. I am mindful about my eating habits, I work a job in which I am on my feet almost all day, I work out (not as often as I used to, but enough to sate my desire); yet still I’ve gained more weight in the past few months than I’d like to admit. I’ve sought out help from my doctor, who suggests I’m perfectly healthy. I understand that my body will ever be changing and it’s normal to have almost a “second puberty” at my age. But it’s hijacked my happiness and the way that I see myself now is so distorted. I had a similar experience a couple years ago (drastic increase in weight, feeling depressed/anxious. then finally finding the drive to love and sculpt my body.) I wondered that it could be a past lesson, cycling it’s way back to reinforce something in me. This time feels different. I just feel a sort of spiritual or mental block. I want to be able to love my body enough that I can really look at myself and feel healthy, and be able to physically see the changes I’ve made.

sincerely, a woman at her wits’ end 🥺

Hi love! Sorry about this!

This is not a medical diagnosis but it might be Thyroid related. Sometimes our T3 and T4 levels can come up normal but the thyroid might still be under functioning, that is not to its optimal level. So doctors will usually brush it off / not consider it.

This can lead to stubborn weight gain, hair loss, digestive issues, skin issues, stress, anxiety, etc.

Some ways you can support your thyroid :

- Never skip breakfast, when you do you put your body under stress. Always make sure you have at least a fruit and some type of protein

- Don’t drink coffee before meals, always after. Coffee after meals can act as a thyroid booster, you just have to be properly fueled before taking it, and take it with milk/cream and a natural form of sugar

- Eat plenty of fruits

- If you can handle them, eat organ meats such as liver, they’re packed with essential minerals and nutrients - Shellfish as well

- Make sure you properly salt your meals, you need iodine

- Don’t exercise too much, when your body is already depleted/slow to function, you don’t want to further deplete your already scarce resources. Rest and do low impact movements

- Sleep well, the body restores itself at night. Cut out blue light, no screens before bed, and do a few reps of deep belly breathing

- Try to limit grains for a little bit, as well as gluten, those two are quite harsh on the system. Prioritize sourdough breads, and if you’re consuming grains soak and cook them well.

- Spore based probiotics can also be of great help if you tolerate them well, the Youtheory brand one is pretty great

And finally, I highly recommend browsing through Noelle Kovary’s instagram as she has herself recovered from thyroid issues! She gives amazing health advice.

That’s all I can think of right now! I hope it helps, please don’t hesitate to ask more questions.

[i-am-autistic]

I think people will be surprised at the amount of Jonathan in season 5

I personally think and I know it's popular on Tumblr to hate writers but I do think Jonathan will end up being a lead in season 5. I think the biggest indicators are the differences in Jonathan and Steve's arcs in season 5. I think if they wanted to focus on Steve or another male lead they would have tried to evolve the character. Similar to Lucas,Nancy or even El and Hopper. The Duffers have shown they have the ability to evolve characters. It seems strange to me that one of their favorites in Steve was just spinning wheels in season 4,regressing as a character and doing essentially a u-turn. Jonathan in the meantime though had extremely limited screentime, his character actually evolved. I know a lot of people say he regressed or was character assassinated but based on how Charlie Heaton has talked about it and how it was presented. I think the stoner-ism and his lack of purpose in s4 was very realistic. It makes sense as a character arc for Jonathan, to become a stoner as to escape his problems. He's 17 in s4, away from someone he clearly deeply loves, he has had to fight a fucking monster and he can't solve these problems because on one hand he has Will and his mother and on the other hand he has Nancy. He thinks he's losing Nancy soon, so of course he's depressed. It's an evolution. It's giving Jonathan a pathway to a final evolution as a character. In season 1 his arc was about a kid living behind a camera who needed to stop living behind that camera, this ended in season 2, when he got with Nancy. He was also obviously a parentified kid who had to grow up too soon. Now that the show is ending, it makes sense for his final evolution to be for him to actually just walk off into the sunset, having done enough for his family, a kid who never really got to have a childhood getting a real shot at at least having normal college years and an adulthood with the person he loves. Meanwhile idk what to say about Steve's character arc. His arc seemed to be centered around moving on, and to stop idealizing people and accept them for what they are. Barb's death and how he treated her was an example of him not wanting to accept parts of Nancy, he learned to accept her for what she is by the end of season 2 you could tell he had feelings for her, but he accepted her decisions. Season 3 further compounds this by having Steve knocked off his perch as the hs king cope with it and finally put it behind him. Only for season 4 to send him back to having idealized versions of Nancy again.

[talysalankil]

In Which Talys Rants About His Latest (resurgent) Hyperfixation Instead Of Going To Sleep

;It’s exactly what it says in the title. The past week and a half have been a spiral of anxiety depression and ADHD and that has somehow led me into rediscovering my hyperfixation for mapmaking, using the world of FTEITS as a case study.

Mostly it’s an excuse to show my progress and go

(shout-out to the useless tumblr GIF keyboard that forced me to leave tumblr and google the gif)

Methodology and Tools

I’m using Artifexian’s excellent worldbuilding and atlas mapping series, plus supplemental research whenever he doesn’t provide enough information for my specific case.

As for tools, aside from GPlates from Artifexian, I use Affinity Designer, because it’s a single purchase instead of Adobe’s hell subscription and I find the free vector programs like Inkscape too limiting.

Step One: Get your old shit together

So, I’ve drawn the world of FTEITS (I refer to it as “world of four” internally, a moniker which loses meaning the further I stop treating four as my arc number, but whatever) on paper years ago. Here’s an almost-up-to-date scan (the one I used as reference for all this)

A year ago I already tried doing this exact process I’m doing it now: basically using GPlates to project that on a sphere, then drawing continents to adjust the shape directly on a globe, which got me here

Step Two: Adjust that shit and get some climates

Climate zones are one of the things I wanted to do this whole thing for. Basically I’m fine drawing whatever shape, but I thought it would be easier to flesh out the world with a more systematic approach.

I technically started this last year too, including the tectonic plates (basically I already knew where I wanted mountains, so I added plates to justify their existence). I also adjusted the shape of the continent known as Aarde (name subject to change as 2022 me is a lot keener than 2012 me that maybe using Dutch as the basis for the language of your majority black continent “because Afrikaans” is actually a bad idea) because I realized it was too small and my southern hemisphere too empty.

I also decided to add a couple islands in the southeast, adjusted the shape of that continent since I wanted a monsoon circulation there and it turns out you need an equatorial ocean for that to happen.

Step Three: Fill in more shit like resources, then realize you completely messed up ocean circulation

Basically what that says. Ocean currents dictate a lot (including climates, but also stuff like fishing hotspots). And I completely misunderstood the way ocean currents work.

So I decided to add what is essentially a submerged continent to the south pole to create some fishing hotspots near the (still needs to be renamed) Moeder Eiland, and also made shitty annotations on the map before I went back to the drawing board.

Basically marking ocean ridges and trenches, and a sketch of that continent knowing that I’d go back to GPlates to make it look okay on a sphere.

Step Four: Actually execute concept

The only thing I actually did in gplates was redo my tectonic plates and draw that submerged continent. Oh, and also, I added a mountain range to the southeast of Eogua. Which, ironically, I then found my paper map for an unrelated thing (I forgot what the other mountain range was named) and found that at some point in the past, I independently had already decided to add a mountain range there. So. I did that.

I also started doing an elevation map in more details (this one is incompete; i focused on getting the mountains done first since they also influenced climates which, again, were my primary goal here). With my tablet and pencil, this actually starts to look like, you know, a map? Madness.

Step Five: Work, work, work

So it turns out that an elevation map takes a ton of work. No wonder I never finished the first one. If the brain worms hadn’t dictated it now I don’t know how I would have done it.

Oh, also I adjusted some shit near the poles since distortions and all that. So that was another round in GPlates too.

Oh hey, this is finished, right? Right???

Step Six: Realize you fucked up ocean currents again

In my defense, I’d say the artifexian guide on that is just. not great.

Anyway between that and a first iteration on climate zones I realized it was time to adjust some shapes again. Which. Maybe I should have checked my climates before I finished the elevation map so these changes didn’t have to cascade across a bunch of different layers.

So I adjusted the landmasses for my main setting, shifting it north…

And then finally I redid the currents to get something that I think is more or less correct, or as close to correct as I’m bothered getting anyway

Oh, and I added more islands. I don’t even know if they’re visible in this file size lmao

Step Seven: Realize If You Want To Export Many Maps You’re Gonna Be In Trouble

Okay so Affinity programs have this “Persona” feature which lets you essentially switch modes. One of them is the Export persona that lets you say “these are the outputs I want from my file”

Problem is (and this is a feature people have asked but hasn’t come yet) all you can do there is slice your file. I would have liked if instead my slices were like “this and that layer for the elevation map, this and that layer for the climate map” but i guess that’s not in the cards right now

So…I cut my file into a bunch of artboards, and used the Symbol feature to ensure that each artboard was synced (a symbol basically flags a layer so that every duplicate of that layer will be edited at the same time, and you can even scale them differently, etc etc). For now I have three artboards, but I can already tell I’ll probably need to split them up further, for instance if I want an export for the tectonic map.

But for now it’s a topograhy map, a climate zone map, and a sociopolitical map. The first two are complete (you know, barring potential changes and iterations, but I consider them done). The third is just a sketch where I plopped down the major cities, I’ll be adding more stuff as I figure out how to do it.

Needless to say, it’s not great to look at but whatever.

Step Eight: Waste Almost An Hour Writing A Tumblr Post About All This

In my defense, the beta post editor did decide to crash on me. It does not handle moving pictures around well. I’m writing this using the old, non-beta editor now.

And so, finally, the higher-quality files (higher because i did have to add an export to JPEG just so tumblr would accept the goddamn files)

And once again:

[orangecottoncandycat]

I asked to take space because I knew I needed it. I was stretching myself too thin and I knew I would blow up and snap eventually. I understand taking space sounds so horrible in the thought of losing someone but I knew I was losing the battle inside myself.

You did get a lot right on how to treat me but I don’t think we are there yet. I understand you have past traumas and as much as I want to help burden you with those, you need something more than me. To express and heal from those. Just like I have traumas I need to heal and work from. Those will always arise and we will always be triggered unless we release those demons from ourselves.

When I am at full mental or physical capacity, when I’m feeling sad or getting depressed.. I sleep. I sleep for hours on end, I could sleep for days on end. Those are the days i am the most selfish and do things for myself, to heal. That usually looks like watching movies I enjoy, relaxing at home, and being alone. I would like someone to be able to occupy me when this happens but I haven’t been able to express it or understand it’s happening till I’m already in it. And in those moments, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to do anything and it’s hard for others to understand but it doesn’t happen often but when I need it.. I need it. This was this time

The more someone pushes me for anything, the further I run away. I don’t know why, I don’t know how to get myself out of it. It’s something I need to learn and understand to be better. I was in my selfish mode cause of the crazy week I had and all I wanted to do was rest, relax. Then coming home and finding out my Grumpy doesn’t have much time absolutely destroyed me. I felt like I couldn’t even go to you and I didn’t want to explain myself, I didn’t want the comments or anything on you slept the day away and we couldn’t do anything. I know you had plans for me that day but I couldn’t do it, not mentally or physically and the constant messages, messages to Tiffany just sent me further into avoidance, running away. I was selfish and didn’t think about why this was happening, what you may have been going through and I will admit that. I didn’t have the mental capacity to help you or support you and I tried saying that a few things.

I think boundaries are very healthy in every way, boundaries are needed to make things work. You crossed one of my boundaries that you may not have been aware of but it definitely did some damage on me. It wasn’t the act but the lack of thought about how I would feel that gets to me. Especially when I know there was two other occasions of discomfort brought up with this person. Then to compare me saying that “you aren’t used to someone remembering” when you told me it was “a friend” and didn’t tell me who it was. I thought you knew me better than that, I thought you cared more than that. I know you used to see that relationship as “careless sex” and I just want to remind you that we started that way. People, even if it’s not yourself, will develop feelings, there will always be that attraction because you were attracted to them enough to sleep with them. That makes me feel like I’m in competition with others. The moment our plans fell through, you messaged her to catch up. Wasn’t even out of the state and our plans were replaced with another girl, who probably says she doesn’t have feelings but that’s only in hope that you will catch them first.. that’s the only reason a girl keeps a guy around like that.

I definitely think we both have things we need to work on, I think we jumped in too fast. And I understand we both wanted it, we both wanted these things for years and the first moment of feeling like we have it and we just jumped without thinking.

I do hope you are doing okay and I do wish I could help but mentally I can not help. I need to help myself and get help before I can do that for others. I hope you have a Merry Christmas.

[treatnow]

Geoff Dardia on mTBI misconceptions

‘It’s All in Your Head’: Military Veterans and Mild Traumatic Brain Injury

"Logistics Support Area Anaconda, Iraq." (The 302nd Mobile Public Affairs Detachment/Department of Defense) Battlefields Staff January 29, 2023 Updated: January 29, 2023 Commentary Anyone who has battled with brain injury knows the frustration of having their injury downplayed because they “look fine” from the outside. There have been times when I wished I was missing a limb so medical providers would take me seriously. Unless you have been stuck in the shell of a person you once knew, you will never understand what it is like to have an injured brain. Regardless of what side of the political aisle you find yourself on, recent missile attacks in Iraq highlighted a significant problem with the misconception about the seriousness of “mild” Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI). As of 2020, there have been approximately 414,000 cases of mTBI diagnosed within the Department of Defense, according to data released by the Pentagon, the majority are from the United States Army.From the perspective of someone who has been exposed to thousands of blasts, had multiple loss of consciousness concussions, inhaled countless toxins, and been on the verge of calling it quits, there is nothing “mild” about any type of brain injury. In fact, I’d say having “mild” brain injury can be more dangerous because the people who have it often don’t know they have it and suffer years without a diagnosis and end up being medicated for all of the symptoms associated with mTBI. Mild traumatic brain injury often goes undiagnosed and undetected unless you get on a medevac bird and get hospitalized for it in combat. People could be battling depression, anger, anxiety, insomnia, sexual dysfunction, obesity, ADD, migraines, balance problems, vision problems, and be told: “it’s all in their head.” When they finally do decide to go get help for all the things mentioned above you, they end up with a box full of prescriptions that mask all those individual symptoms associated with TBI. Or worse, they get told to go to behavioral health to get their head examined, except nobody ever examines their actual head. A provider asks you a list of questions and without any physical examination, laboratory assessments, functional brain mapping, or imaging, they will prescribe you a list of prescriptions (Xanax, Zoloft, Effexor, Paxil, Seroquel, Ambien, Adderall, Lipitor, Viagra). I have never heard one success story about anyone recovering from a brain injury on the zombie cocktail. In fact, I have lost a lot of friends to suicide who were on the Dr. prescribed zombie cocktail. As a person who doesn’t want to be ripped off of a team, miss a deployment, lose a security clearance, or a promotion, you battle through all of your health issues in silence, in fear of being stuck in a staff job or being sent to the schoolhouse. What do service members do to survive another promotion, assignment, or rotation? They self-medicate with drugs and alcohol to get by but end up putting themselves, their families, their teammates, and careers at further risk. You cannot solve old problems by adding new ones, it will catch up to you in the end. Brain injury doesn’t get better with more blasts, chronic stress, insomnia, alcohol, prescription drugs, infectious diseases, and divorces, it gets worse and you end up in a downward spiral. The downward spiral is where you get all the Ds: Depression, Dependencies, Diseases, Divorces, Debt, Domestic violence, DUIs, Discharge, and eventually Death by suicide. That downward spiral often gets chalked up to “that guy is a turd,” even though he probably has had an incredible career for the 15 years prior, and now he is all of a sudden a turd and needs to be flushed from the unit as fast as possible.

“Military Progresses in Identifying, Treating Brain, Mental Injuries.” (Office of the Secretary of Defense Public Affairs/Department of Defense) Misconception and ignorance of brain injury is not exclusive to the president of the United States, it is widespread throughout the military and the medical community still to this day. The president’s comments were the exact words echoed by many medical providers and leaders over the past two decades of war. Countless service members have been told for years by their leadership and medical providers, “you only have mild TBI, it’s not very serious.” Recent studies have shown that people diagnosed with traumatic brain injury are nine times more likely to kill themselves and the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that suicide is a top cause of death tied to traumatic brain injury. There is nothing mild about any type of brain injury and with the number of suicides and brain injuries in the military, it is time we take these problems seriously and address the root causes of brain injury and suicide. by Geoffrey P. Dardia This article originally appeared in The Havok Journal. The appearance of U.S. Department of Defense (DoD) visual information does not imply or constitute DoD endorsement. Views expressed in this article are the opinions of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Epoch Times.   Read the full article

[bella-studyblr]

Task Management:

Creating + Maintaining a Schoolwork Schedule

Key elements

Your schedule suits your individual time/task management preferences.

It is flexible enough to accommodate sudden changes, plus fluctuating energy levels, states of concentration, symptoms and moods.

Daily tasks are not over-whelming; they are small enough that they are achievable.

You do not get “burned out.”

It allows you to be consistent.

Steps to create your schedule

Decide if you want your planner to be paper or digital

Find an “order” that’s logical and achievable for you (more on this later)

Refer to your addendum/syllabus and write down all the assignments, tests and other events taking place that week/month (and their due-dates).

Then break these down, assigning tasks to each day of the week (more on this later).

Break down your tasks even further (more on this later).

Decide if you want to follow a simple daily to-do list or a timed schedule (more on this later).

Find your “order(s)”

Mandatory: Schedule assignments around other commitments (work, social, hobbies, etc.).

Do the hardest task first to get it out of the way (so that the rest of your tasks are less daunting, and because your smaller tasks require less energy therefore can be done even after completing the hard task).

Do the easiest task first to build momentum (give yourself a feeling of accomplishment which will motivate you to continue, and boost your self-confidence early in the day to establish a positive mindset for the rest of the day).

Do the task that’s due first to minimize deadline stress, and so your assignments don’t fall through the cracks (causing you to get discouraged and lose momentum).

Plan according to your energy level throughout the day and week: Do you have Pilates once a week? Maybe you can reserve that day for easier assignments. If you know you’re going to be tired for whatever reason, account for that in your planning.

Consider your state of concentration: If you know you’re too groggy or spaced out for the first hour of your day, you can either schedule easy tasks in that time, or none at all. If you take a medication in the afternoon/evening that makes you tired, schedule easier tasks or none, and get harder tasks done earlier/later in the day. If you have ADHD and crowded places mess with your concentration, but you like studying at a café, go when it’s not busy.

Be mindful of your emotions and symptoms: If you have depression, or are prone to depressive episodes, you’ll need to consider that when scheduling. You might have to rework your entire schedule when you get into a depressive episode (like adding lots of breaks). If suddenly you’re going through a big life event (like a breakup), you need to account for that when scheduling. For instance, if you can’t stand to be alone, maybe you can go out instead of staying in, and if your motivation is low, you may need to up your reward-system or break down your tasks even more.

Break down this week/month’s tasks

Refer to your addendum/syllabus and write down all your due dates for the time period you’re scheduling for.

Based on due dates, outside commitments, predictions of energy/mood/symptoms, assign assignments to the days of the week/month that make most sense for you.

Break down daily tasks into sub-tasks

You can do this (in advance) for your full week/month’s assignments, or do it every morning/evening.

Generally, your assignments will follow a variation of this formula: brainstorm, create an outline, research, write rough draft, edit and revise. Test/exam prep will look something like: check to see what the test is based on, pinpoint important sections, review to see how well you know the material, create a list of items to study, rewrite select notes, make flash cards, study topic 1, study topic 2, etc.

What are the individual components of these steps? Here are some examples. Brainstorm: what should my topic be, what should my thesis be, what points can support my thesis, what do I need to research, what questions do I need to ask my prof? Outline: topic, thesis, points, conclusion. Research: write down all the important parts from each source (separately), then sift through to sort into Supporting Point 1, Supporting Point 2, etc. Rough draft: opening statement(s), intro, point 1, point 2, etc., conclusion, closing statement(s). Edit/revise: read and check for grammar only, then read again and check for spelling only, read again and check for cohesiveness only, etc. Topic 1: Part A, Part B, etc.

Each of these small components can be individual items on your to-do list. Big tasks like, “write essay” are too big for most people. Even “write rough draft” is daunting. If you start with something specific and small like brainstorming, and work your way up, it’s a lot easier to approach. Plus, being able to check off tasks more often and more easily will boost your confidence and your sense of competence, thus building momentum.

Here is a sample to-do list: Research X for Point 1 of Literary Essay, create outline for History Essay, Edit/Revise Assignment 1, study Topic 1 and Topic 2 for Test 1.

To-do list or time-based schedule?

To do list: Write down all your assignments for the day. Put them in the order you want to do them, or go through them intuitively (based on what you feel like doing, or what’s most practical at the time/place you’re at).

Timed-based: Write down all your assignments, then write down the time you’re going to do each of them. You could set reminders or alarms if you want, or simply refer to the list. There’s an awesome app I recommend if this is your thing. It’s called Structured (iOS only).

Curate your study environment for maximum focus

Eliminate distractions such as uncomfortable clothing, sounds (or silence), phone and computer notifications, clutter in the room and on your desk, people who may try to talk to you (shut your door and/or inform them that you’re busy).

Designate a space to doing homework only and avoid spaces that you associate with other things (do not study in bed, as you will want to relax or sleep, and/or you will mess with your sleep by weakening the bed’s association with sleep).

Build associations: Incorporate other events and items into your study/homework routine that you only use while doing that, so that you associate those things with studying/homework (examples: specific playlists, pencils/pens, cups/bottles, scents, rituals, decor, etc.).

Ensure good lighting (preferably including daylight).

Get dressed in clothes that make you feel good about yourself. They don’t have to be “professional” and they should definitely be comfortable. Do not stay in your pyjamas. Believe me, I know this can be hard, and I love PJ’s. But they are not good for productivity.

Don’t “multi-task.” It may feel like you’re getting more done this way, but by splitting your focus, not only do tasks take longer, they also diminish in quality. Commit to the task you’re doing.

Meditate: You can even meditate for just 1-5 mins right before studying, homework and/or classes.

Practice self care (daily!)

Sleep (enough, well, and regularly).

Daylight: Get outside, work by windows, use a light therapy box. These can help regulate your sleep, improve and maintain mental health, and boost energy.

Fresh air: Getting outside even for a couple minutes can help you refresh and reset, and feel good about yourself and your life. Fresh oxygen can help you wake up and is great for your health. Even just opening your window can do a lot for your mood, energy and motivation.

Movement: Try to move at least once per day. The benefits of exercise are numerous and immense.

Healthy and consistent eating: Avoid spikes in insulin levels by eating regularly so you don’t have extreme dips in your energy level. Also, brain power uses calories too, so make sure you’re eating consistently, and try to eat healthy. There are so many other reasons eating consistently is good for your health (and by extension, your productivity).

Relaxation and leisure: Make time for fun and socializing, as well as intentional relaxation. Hobbies, movies/tv, time with friends/family, meditation, baths, progressive muscle relaxation, etc.

Therapy: Your therapy sessions are not daily, but you can do 5 minutes of inner-work per day based on what you and your therapist are currently working on. Working with a therapist is a great way to stay on track with your goals, and develop the skills and positive mindset required for success in school.

Reward yourself

Track progress: Reflect on all the assignments you’ve completed and your grades to remind yourself that you’re capable!

Completing to-do lists daily maintains a sense of accomplishment which keeps your momentum going. Check those items off! Or give yourself gold stars! ⭐️

Treat yourself with non-food rewards: Tie completed school work with fun tasks like video games, or take yourself out for coffee, or some other small (non-food) outing. What I’m trying to do right now is not do my leisure activities until my daily tasks are done.

Develop a positive mindset

Take promises you make to yourself seriously. The more you break promises to yourself, the easier it will get to continue breaking promises. You will lose respect for yourself which lowers motivation, and you will lose trust in yourself which can become debilitating as well. The more you keep promises, the easier it will get, the more motivated you’ll become, and the more you’ll trust and respect yourself. Your confidence will improve, and you’ll feel better about yourself. Productivity is choosing yourself. Discipline is choosing what’s best for you instead of what you feel like doing in the moment. Discipline is a muscle, and like any muscle, it can be strengthened, and it can atrophy.

Remember your “why.” What is the end goal of being in school? What’s your career path, and why did you choose it? What will your life be like when you have that career? What would your life be like if you gave up and didn’t make it to your goal? Aiming for your dream while running from your nightmare is a great strategy for maintaining motivation. Lighting a fire under your *** can be a huge motivator.

Remember how good you feel when you get schoolwork done, and let this motivate you to stay consistent. You can also remember how you feel when you don’t get work done, but definitely focus more on the positive!

Go to therapy and/or hire a coach. There are SO many benefits to therapy and I’d honestly need a whole other post to get into it. You don’t need to be depressed or mentally ill at all in order to benefit from talking to a therapist. They can even help you with time management, procrastination, motivation and more! If you can afford it, please do it. It’s such a worthwhile investment.

Be consistent

No “zero days.” Do at least a bit of homework or studying every day so you don’t slip into vacation mode. Make schoolwork a daily part of your life, so it just becomes the norm.

Build productivity momentum (track progress, check items off your to-do list daily, treat yourself, keep promises to yourself, remember your “why,” remember how success feels).

Stay on top of projects. Your assignments are made up of smaller tasks you assign yourself across time. “Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out.” - Robert Collier

Avoid burnout (more on this later).

Keep it interesting (more on this later).

Avoid burnout

Self-care: shower and/or bathe regularly, maintain proper sleep habits, stay hydrated, take care of your skin, do relaxation activities like meditation and reading, do fun activities, pamper yourself every now and then with face masks or foot baths, take your meds as prescribed, eat well and regularly, get outside often, move daily, etc.

Break up study/homework sessions into small, manageable chunks of time, with constructive (refreshing) breaks in between.

Break assignments down into even smaller tasks so that you aren’t over-working yourself during the course of a day, and so that you don’t overwhelm yourself (the stress can lead to burnout).

School-life balance: Keep up with your social life as best as you can, make time for your hobbies, maintain self-care, say no to things that don’t serve you, etc. Try to follow through with scheduled schoolwork 100% of the time, but know that you won’t. Sometimes you’ll need to prioritize mental health over schoolwork (be careful though, this is a very fine line, and a slippery slope). Sometimes things will come up and it’ll be out of your control. But more than anything else, there will be times when you just decide to prioritize something else like fun and socializing over schoolwork. This is why your schedule needs to be flexible: to accommodate sudden invites to hang out and random decisions to skip a homework/study session, but more importantly, flexibility will reduce the odds that you’ll skip in the first place. If your schedule includes hobbies and socializing, and anything else that’s important to you, then you won’t feel deprived. If you have school-life balance, you’ll have more of yourself to devote to schoolwork when it’s time to.

Keep it interesting

Romanticize your life by putting effort into making all of your daily tasks a special occasion.

Make meals and drinks special by using your favourite dinnerware and cutlery. Perhaps even incorporate extra elements such as: a beautiful tablecloth, napkins, candles and/or dim lighting, music, wearing your favourite clothing, etc.

Pretend you’re the main character in a movie about a successful, productive student (because you are the main character in your life).

Make games out of studying if this is something that interests you (the Forest app comes to mind).

Use lots of colours in your notes and buy colourful stationary! 🌈

Vary your approach/methods if needed to avoid boredom.

Study with friends (online or in person).

Reward yourself often.

Remember your “why.”

[watevermelon]

Touch-Averse | Kiyoomi Sakusa x Reader

✧ Summary: Physical affection was something you loved, and while Sakusa was not exactly the biggest fan, you didn’t want to encroach on him. You weren’t expecting your boyfriend to get jealous!

➳ A/N: Hey! This has been waiting around for so long; I think I steered a little too into the angst with this one asfdgfhj ;-; ➳ Tags: Angst with a happy ending, komori is a lil shit; ➳  Masterlist 

—xXxXxXxXxXx—

By all intents and purposes, Sakusa was the perfect boyfriend.

You were friends before through Komori since junior high and one thing led to another before the wing-spiker finally asked you out. You knew long before as his friend that he was averse to physical contact — even if it was under two layers of gloves.

No, the germaphobe kept everyone at a distance further from arms length. He wanted to keep things neat and orderly and straying from that made him uncomfortable.

And it warmed your heart that, despite this life-long struggle, Sakusa still let you into his world in little ways.

He would hold your hand through the halls of school (of course, you had to thoroughly wash your hands first and then get his personal approval). And, on lucky days like when Itachiyama won their practice matches that week, Sakusa would kiss you on the forehead openly in public.

All you had to do was vocalize things, keep the roads of communication between you two and he would respond. If you wanted to come over to his family home or vice versa — just let him know ahead of time and he would be happy to accommodate you. You want to go on a date to the arcade? Sure, send him a text and he’ll pencil you in for a couple days from now. A part of you also liked wearing his sweaters, the ones that plastered his last-name across the back. And on request, Sakusa let you wear his own to school.

Sakusa was generally aware of your needs and was not against being vocal about your relationship. You knew all about this prior to being his official girlfriend and had even found it endearing how much he cared about your personal health.

All it took was a look. 

A single look was enough to plant the seed of doubt and make it take root. 

It was after volleyball practice — you had stayed behind after your student council duties and went over to the courts instead of heading straight back to the dorms. You hadn’t told Sakusa before that you would be visiting, just popping in so you can walk back together.

You waved at the others, Komori noticing you first from the sidelines and greeting you. Some others from the team took notice beside him and recognized you from being friends with the second-years.

Between the break, you approached Sakusa’s pack where you knew he would go, happy to greet him.

He shot you the most disgusted look you had ever seen.

After, Sakusa had greeted you in his usual monotone voice. Voice clipped and simply drinking his water, Sakusa was there for a quick minute before returning back to the match without so much as a goodbye.

Your walk back to the dorms was eerily silent.

It could have been nothing, just a look that he always had in his resting judgmental grandma face. But for some reason it stuck to you, how mean his tone was towards his girlfriend of all people and how quick he was to get away from you after.

You tried to wave it off, give him the benefit of the doubt as you lay awake in your dorm room. Not saying anything to your roommate, you internalized most of your feelings and let it continue to fester below the surface.

He already didn’t like physical touch with you. But you had just greeted him, hardly pushing into his comfortable space. But even so, it was clear Sakusa had still been disgusted with you.

Was this what he really thought about you?

You tried your best to wave it off — maybe he wasn’t feeling too well that day? Maybe the match was annoying him? Maybe something just happened with his other teammates?

And so the next day after you were done with your extracurriculars, you dropped by the gym again just to see how Sakusa was doing.

Sakusa was quick to find in the crowd of boys, his tall height and curly black hair bobbing along as he readied to jump in the air. Seeing him spike, hearing the smack of power as it slammed into the floor, it always made you so proud at how fair he had come.

That moment didn’t last long.

No, it was pushed out by another emotion entirely.

The coach called the players on the opposite side, ringing them in to give some tips to them specifically. Sakusa’s side backed off to grab drinks of their water, the main manager running up to him with a towel in hand.

And Sakusa let her wipe at his face.

A small dab at his forehead and at the sides of his face and the moment was over. But that was not what you saw. You saw your boyfriend, your long-term friend, allow someone in his close space to touch his face of all things! You still had to wear gloves sometimes. And here she was, noses only inches away from one another, as she was allowed into his world.

What was it that made you so undesirable?

Was Sakusa annoyed with you? Had you been asking too much of him? You knew he was averse to the things you liked, but you never thought that it would push Sakusa away to this point.

You loved Sakusa and you had tried really hard to accommodate what he was looking for in a relationship. But was that really fair? Was he being fair to you at this point? Did he even view you as anything special, as his girlfriend?

Walking out the gym without a single word, you turned around with all intents to go back to your room and reevaluate your decisions. You failed to notice Komori’s wandering eyes that followed you out the open doors.

Your roommate commented that you looked terrible that night and was a willing open ear for you. You were grateful beyond compare, she was an awesome friend that you shared classes with and was alsoa member in the student council.

But instead of venting, you just relished in the tight hug she gave you. This physical touch was what you crazed and, while it had never really affected you before, it made you sad that this was something Sakusa would never want.

Was it really fair to have to schedule a hug with him? 

Did he even want you as his girlfriend?

You internalized this hard and the it was hard to even look at Sakusa the next day at school, these thoughts only propping up again and again. What hurt even more is that you were actively avoiding the wing-spiker and it seemed that he did not even notice. Just went about his day, avoiding most people and sticking to corners alone.

But you were his girlfriend. He avoided most people but should that really include you?

Did he feel like you were suffocating him? You loved him and didn’t want to lose him. And so if he wanted space, you were willing to give it to him. But for Sakusa to treat you so cruelly when you were trying so hard - was it even fair at this point?

A text-tone from your phone permeated the room and you felt your spirits almost physically lift themselves up at the prospect of Sakusa reaching out to you.

But his text only made your heart drop.

Give me back my sweater already. Sakusa’s words read, Don’t you have your own?

And suddenly your thoughts of doubt were solidified as fact in your mind.

Grabbing the sweater from your bedside, you almost cried as you folded it up. Sakusa’s terms of endearment were few and far between, you wearing his sweater was one of the few things you could compromise on. And now he did not even want that.

You went about your morning weakly, going into Sakusa’s homeroom and leaving the sweater in a bag there. Alongside it was only a small note that you did not have time to wash it while it was in the bag. You did not wait a moment longer, dropping off the package and hoping to avoid him the rest of the day.

And throughout the school hours, you were doing a good job. During lunch you were able to avoid spending time with both Sakusa and Komori, leaving your classroom the moment the teacher dismissed you and retreating to the outside area behind school. Would it do you any good to confront Sakusa over something that he probably did not even care about? Was he planning on breaking up with you?

These thoughts only continued to plague you throughout the day and the more you continued to ponder on it - the worse it got. Maybe he always viewed you this way, just humoring your relationship for the sake of your friendship.

Your mindset spiraled downward worse and worse and you had little initiative to even go to club activities after school. Your roommate had vouched for you at the student council meeting while you went back to the dorms depressed and very not well dressed.

The moment your phone dinged to life you shot up in repressed excitement, wondering if Sakusa had noticed your mood and reached out.

It was Komori.

Hey, missed ya during lunch. Wanna catch dinner together?

Of course, it was Komori.

You wondered for a hot second if it would be smart to go with the libero out to dinners the campus cafeteria. Odds are you were going to pour your feelings out to the boy and he was undoubtedly loyal to Sakusa. Komori was always one of your closest friends, even before dating the wing-spiker.

Another ding ringed out a second later.

Come on, you’re my friend too.

It was almost like he was reading your mind - the poor boy was probably so used to your evasiveness from before that it was no doubt he remembered it.

You typed back, Okay, I’ll meet you after practice.

See you then <3

You texted your roommate that you would be meeting with the libero, so as not to worry when she returned. In the meantime, you hung around your room and completed some of your homework early. Once Komori texted you that he was ready, you put on a large hoodie and some leggings, trying your best to look presentable despite your solemn expression. 

“Hey!” Komori perked up when he saw you, already at a table in the cafeteria. Thankfully he was sitting alone. The moment you were close enough, Komori pulled you into his chest and wrapped his arms around your shoulders.

Komori always gave the best hugs and you squeezed your arms around his middle right back. It had been a while since he, or any male for that matter hugged you like this. Most of the male population at school was well aware of your relationship with Sakusa and all it took was a look from the strong spiker to get most to back off.

But with Komori being his best friend and also one of yours, he was one of the few people who could get away with sharing you in a warm embrace. However, you did notice as of late that he was withholding some of the best hugs from you.

“Thanks for joining me tonight.” Komori continued, leaning back while you were still in his arms. “I know you’ve been kind of down.”

“Yeah.” 

“Listen, you can tell me anything or nothing if you want. Whatever you’re comfortable with - I just wanted to spend this time with you so you know you’re not alone.”

You almost teared up on the spot, with the exception of your roommate, it had been so long since someone had been so considerate with your feelings. Komori was the best bro and just all friend anyone could ask for.

Nuzzling further into his chest, you shakily replied. “You’re the best, Komori.”

Komori guided you to the seats, telling you that he had actually placed a comfort food order and was waiting for the number to be called. You smiled at him in response, placing your hands on the table and mentally preparing for what you wanted to say.

It felt almost therapeutic, admitting to the libero all the feelings that you had bottled up over the past few days. Komori nodded along, listening to you without cutting in or interrupting with his own point of view. He took in every word, keen on gaining your perspective before he added on.

“It makes me wonder, does Sakusa even want to be in this relationship?” You asked aloud, baring your insecurity to him.

Little did you know that Sakusa was reacting exactly opposite to what you were thinking.

Komori had actually invited the wing-spiker to join this dinner, but he had simply walked away in silence back to his own dorm.

Sakusa would never admit this aloud, but he cherished you in so many ways that it frightened him. Your relationship was built on years of knowing each other. And from the beginning of it all, Sakusa knew that he was all in. From high school to the end of your days, he was sure that this was the only relationship he wanted to ever be in. You were the first and only person he ever loved and he wanted to be that for you too.

And with that thought, Sakusa had always been afraid of losing you. He wondered, on multiple occasions, if you would be happier with someone else. After all, yes you were friends for a while, but you were much closer to Komori before you were in a relationship. 

Sakusa saw it all - he knew how you leaned into the libero for tight hugs and how the both of you were still fond of spending time alone together. He had never doubted you or his cousin’s loyalty; neither you nor Komori would ever do anything to hurt him, Sakusa was sure. But he had a much more looming fear, one that frightened him simply because it was probably true, that you would probably be happier with Komori.

The libero was capable of easily reading your mood and reacting to it properly. It was Komori after all that noticed you had left the gymnasium the other day without greeting either male. He was very in-tune to your personality and it seemed the both of you were very agreeable. Sakusa remembered the time that many of your classmates had thought it was you and Komori dating after all.

Sakusa would honestly never forget that.

And so the wing-spiker had thought on multiple occasions if you would be happier in the arms of another. Maybe someone who had more time for you, who liked being as affectionate as you did.

Admittedly, Sakusa knew something was off from the moment you returned the sweater. He knew that you cherished wearing it for some reason. But you had it over a week and it was time for him to wash it. After all, it must have been dirty from overuse at this point and he did not want you possibly getting sick from something he wore.

Besides, he could just lend you another cleaner sweater for you to wear.

This was simply the way he thought - cut and dry and oftentimes misconstrued by other people.

But the last person he ever wanted to hurt was you.

Sucking in a hard breath, Sakusa attempted to figure out what to say. Not that he was unsure what to get across, but that he wanted to get out the proper wording before he caused any true damage to you. He must have been standing in the middle of his dorm room for a good twenty minutes, trying to keep a level head as different phrases evaded him.

Calm and collected, he told himself as he got near the cafeteria.

The last thing he wanted to ever see greeted him - you and Komori standing alongside a cafeteria table, you in his arms as he held you tightly.

It seemed you were still in the middle of your meal, your trays of food still stacked with chopsticks to the side. Regardless of the situation, Sakusa stalked over quietly and made his presence extremely known.

From Komori’s nice hug to suddenly pulled into another, your ten seconds of panic morphed into surprise at seeing your boyfriend.

“Sakusa!” You exclaimed, head against his chest as he continued to stare down his cousin. “This looks bad, but I was just talking to Komori about something.”

Komori only laughed, picking up his tray and taking it with him elsewhere. “See you tomorrow, lovebirds.”

“I--” You stuttered over your words as the libero made his quick escape, “We were in the middle of a meal!”

“We need to talk.”

Wait. 

Was Sakusa breaking up with you right now?

You felt fresh tears break your visage as you asked him outright, “Are you breaking up with me?”

Sakusa recoiled before grabbing your hand, “No. Let’s go.”

You allowed him to drag you wordlessly, following along as he led you back to his dorm. He unceremoniously brought you along with him - was he sparing your feelings by breaking up with you away from the public eye?

The worries must have shown up on your face since, once you entered the elevator, Sakusa took one look at you before pulling you into his embrace again. He lingered for a second, as if unsure where to place himself, then leaned down to put a small mask-covered kiss on your forehead. You stilled at the motion, surprised that he was willing to show any display of affection in public.

The moment was only broken when he pulled you toward his dorm room, closing it loudly behind you.

“Why would you think that I would want to break up with you?” Sakusa asked, not at all sugar-coating his words.

You hesitated, looking at the ground before back at him. “Sakusa, are you even happy being with me?”

His eyes peeking over the mask widened in surprise. In the next second, Sakusa pulled his mask off and threw it in the direction of his trash bin. You took a step back at his aggressiveness, but he only followed the movement and wrapped an arm around your waist.

Sakusa pulled you against him and stated clearly, “I want to be with you forever, if given the chance.”

“Really?”

He did not hesitate in response, “Yes.”

You smiled at how sure he was, but his actions from the last few days still had you on edge. With a hand on his chest, you bit your lip before asking. “You don’t feel like I’m suffocating you?”

Sakusa angled his head in question before shooting back, “Why would you assume that?”

“I just feel like you don’t really want me around?” You admitted, words coming out slowly. “I mean, the other day you just seemed like you didn’t want me at your practice. And then I saw your manager dabbing you with the towel and even I can’t even hug you without warning.”

Sakusa simply stared at you as you spoke, his full attention to your words as he recalled the past few days.

“I like spending time with you, but at practice I was sweaty and you were still in your school uniform. It would be unfair to you if I was the one to sully it.” Sakusa replied, “While I am not close to the manager, handling the towels is one of her responsibilities. And I prefer to get toweled down rather than do it myself then touch the volleyball with sweaty hands.”

“Oh.”

You were at a loss for words once he explained himself.

“What about the other day?” You recalled, “I get that you don’t like me wearing your sweaters, but you should have just told me outright.”

You were not expecting Sakusa to shoot you a tired smile.

He moved to kiss your forehead again, lips lingering above your brow before he spoke. “I like seeing you in my sweaters. It reminds everyone that you’re mine.”

“What?”

“But you had that sweater for more than five days, right?” Sakusa answered with a question, “I have the proper detergent to clean it. It would do you no good if you got dirty or even sick from one of my articles of clothing.”

“Oh.”

You were an idiot. 

An overthinking, doubtful, big dumb idiot.

You felt the small exhale against his chest, tantamount to a small laugh from Sakusa. “Oh?”

“I just--” You tried to articulate yourself, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“I’m sorry I doubted you.” You admitted, “There are just these moments. I know you don’t like physical touch that much, but there are times I want to hug you or kiss you. And I get the feeling that you don’t like it.”

You heard Sakusa exhale above you, before feeling a slight nudging at your chin. Using his free hand, the wing-spiker was guiding your gaze back to him. He had an oddly fond expression on, before he leaned forward to slot your lips against his.

Leaning forward into the kiss, you carded your fingers in his curly mop of hair, arms crossed behind his neck. He pulled you as close as possible, lingering in the moment of your passionate lip-lock before settling you back down on your feet.

“I love kissing you.” Sakusa stated fondly, eyes still glued to yours.

You laughed breathlessly, “I know that now.”

“Good.” Sakusa replied, “I’m not good at these things. I can’t comfort you like others do, but please trust in me. Communicate with me - not your roommate and not Komori.”

“Okay. I’m sorry that I closed myself off.” You apologized, receiving a second kiss back.

You were caught off-guard, like the hesitation Sakusa had before was suddenly lifted from its floodgates. He pecked you one, twice, returning over and over as he lost himself in the feel of your lips against his.

“I have two newly cleaned sweaters for you to choose from.” Sakusa whispered, as if this was his version of sweet nothings. “I would prefer it if you wore one tomorrow.”

You shot him back a radiant smile, one that he eagerly savored in the back of his memory. “I would love to.”

Your relationship did not magically fix in that single night, but you resolved to continue working on your communication. It was a two-way street, one that the both of you had to work on.

But by God, you two loved each other. 

And that was all that mattered.

[caramellohigh]

bunnyhybrid!jeonghan x reader

genre: (eventual) smut, (a generous amount of?) angst, fluff, hybrid!au

warning/s: depression is implied

word count: 3k

synopsis: Minghao impulsively adopts a hybrid for you and you hate him for it. But after getting to know your new hybrid, you realized it wasn’t such a bad idea after all. You’ve gained a new friend, a companion and… perhaps more?

a/n: sooooo this was the "generous" amout of angst i was apparently talking about. now that i proofread it, i don't think it's that bad but idk haha as always, hope you enjoy and if you could, pls leave some feedback! my ask is always open <3

but also rockwithyou4thwin!!! congratulations boys 🥺🎉

Chapter 3

Hearing the door creak open, you sluggishly turn to it and see Jeonghan poke his head inside your room. “Hey,” he greets you softly, a small, almost sad looking smile on his face. “Hi,” you mumble back with your hoarse voice, lips cracking at the slight movement from how dry they’ve become.

“Minghao and I delivered all the art pieces safely… Your customers loved them. Had nothing but compliments and good words to say.” You can tell from his voice and the look on his face that he is trying to make you feel better, make you crack a tiny smile even or at least see the faintest of light in your eyes but he falls short when all you can muster is a weak and half-assed, “Really? That’s great…”

“Right? I’m so proud and happy for you!” He pretends as if he buys your fake enthusiasm. At least this way, he can get you to talk and hear your voice, even if you almost didn’t sound like yourself right now. “Did you eat yet? Want me to make you something?” You shift a little, ready to turn away from him and at that moment, the smile Jeonghan tried so hard to keep on his face falters. “...’m not hungry.”

“Mmm… okay. Do you… Uhm, would you…” Jeonghan nibbles on his bottom lip, suddenly unsure and hesitant. He doesn’t want to push you to do something you don’t want to but he just really fucking misses you.

Even if you’re living together, he barely sees you anymore. You’ve been holed up in your room for several days now and to this day, he had no idea why or how this even happened. You just... suddenly kept telling him you were tired, every single day spending less and less time with him.

At first, he understood because maybe you really were just tired but now, he doesn’t know anymore. Minghao told him this is normal for you, that you just need a little bit of time and you’d be okay again. But what did that even mean? Time to do what? What’s happening? Jeonghan was confused but he didn’t push any further, his own negative thoughts consuming him.

He had so many more questions in his head. Did he do something wrong? Did you finally have it with him? Did you no longer want him? He’s scared and for once since he started living with you, he genuinely felt sad. He doesn’t want to go back to the shelter.

Even if that place treated him well and was technically his home for years, he preferred to be here. He likes it here, loves it. Here, he truly felt like he was home and he so badly wanted to stay. He so badly wanted to stay here. With you.

“Can…” your weak voice brings him out of his little reverie and he blinks, “Yes? Need anything?” There’s a hopeful lilt in his voice, his eyes bearing the same and it breaks your heart having to say the things that you mean to say. You pause for a moment, swallowing the huge lump in your throat, “..can you turn off the lights when you leave? I– I want to sleep…”

“Oh… Y-Yeah, sure. Uhm... sleep well.” He isn’t able to hide the sadness behind his smile anymore, disappointment painting his face as he reaches for the lightswitch and that is the last thing you see before you’re engulfed in darkness.

When the door closes, that’s when you lose it. You curl into yourself even more, tears streaming down your face as you gasp and whimper. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jeonghan. I’m s-so sorry,” you whisper through quivering lips.

Behind your door, Jeonghan has his forehead pressed against the wood. He listens to your muffled sobs from the other side and feels as if someone just reached inside of him and ripped his heart out. He hates it. He hates this feeling and he hates what’s happening.

He wants to do something, fling the door open and just scoop you in his arms, comfort you the best that he can and hug all your sadness away but he knows he shouldn’t. Not yet, at least. He fights himself not to do it, gripping the doorknob so tight his knuckles turn white.

“She’ll come around. She’ll tell you when she’s ready. You just have to be a little patient with her,” he repeats what Minghao had told him earlier today. He repeats it over and over again until he’s able to finally let go of the doorknob and leave you alone for now.

“Hyung… you’re going to hurt yourself chewing on your nail like that, stop...” Seungkwan warns him as gently as he possibly can, holding the older male’s hand and setting it down on his lap. He gives Jeonghan’s hand a light squeeze, silently telling him that he’s right here for him, that even if he doesn’t have the right words to say, he is more than willing to listen.

Jeonghan is already on edge and sensitive as it is. He doesn’t want to make him feel even worse than what he’s already feeling. “This is driving me insane…” Jeonghan mumbles under his breath, letting go of Seungkwan just so he can grab a fist full of his hair and tug at it in frustration.

All the other hybrids share worried glances with each other, ears pressed flat on their heads. “Can’t you just… talk to her, hyung? Ask her what’s wrong or if she’s sick?” Mingyu pensively asks, tail hanging down. “Minghao said if she wanted to tell me what was going on, she would. I’m not supposed to force it out of her…”

“But… you can’t just stand by and do nothing. What if she’s hurt or something? She might need you…” Jeonghan tiredly drags his hands from his hair down to his face. Seokmin’s right. He can’t just wait around anymore. He’s so worried he can barely think straight. He has to do something about this.

Heaving a deep but determined sigh, Jeonghan stands up and shoulders his duffel bag, “You guys are right… I-I think I should go. I’m sorry I ruined our game today. I just–” Jihoon cuts him off with a shake of his head and pats him on the shoulder reassuringly, “Hyung, we understand. Just go back home and talk to her, find out what’s wrong.”

Jeonghan could only smile at him weakly. “You could still catch the bus if you leave like, right now.” The older male nods and looks at everyone else, about to apologize again but they all wave him off. “I’ll make it up to you guys some other time, okay? I promise!” he yells over his shoulder, already running towards the bus stop.

Jeonghan bites the inside of his cheeks. The last time he felt this nervous was when he went to the shelter for the first time. He thought his heart would beat out of his chest then and now didn’t feel any different. He’s gotten home for a good five minutes already, his bag already tucked away in his room and really all he has to do is knock but he’s finding even just that extremely difficult.

He paces in front of your door for another minute before he decides to just fuck it and finally knock. It takes a while but you tell him to come in. Carefully, he flicks the lightswitch on first and immediately sees the food he left for you before he went out, still sitting on the same spot, barely touched. His heart sinks to his stomach.

You hear him softly calling your name, the faint sound of his footsteps drawing closer to you under the mess of sheets on your bed. Instead of a reply, he only hears rustling. He tries again, this time sitting on the edge of your bed, his ears pressed even flatter against his head. He waits for you to say something or even just make a sound but you still don’t.

He feels his nose prinkling, “H-Hey, are you okay? Are you sick? Does anything hurt?” When you only respond with a measly hum, Jeonghan gently pulls the covers down to see your face, only to frown when he sees how pale you are, how chapped your lips have become and the dark circles forming under your eyes.

Oh, god. It hurts. Seeing you like this hurts so fucking bad. Jeonghan swallows hard, trying to keep his tears at bay, “Please, talk to me. I’m so worried about you. Please...” Your throat feels like sandpaper, having not drank water in a while and having not spoken a single word.

You open your heavy eyelids and the moment you see Jeonghan’s face, you feel your eyes burn immediately. Only then did you realize just how desperate he sounded, practically begging you to just tell something, anything so he can make sense of what’s happening to you.

The poor thing has to put up with you like this and you hate it. You hated yourself for it. You didn’t like the way his brows furrowed in pure worry and the obviously sad look in his glassy eyes. You hated that this is all because of you.

You try to swallow your tears but you just… can’t. Your tears immediately stream down your face as you shut your eyes, pitifully sobbing into your pillow and unintentionally sending Jeonghan into a panic. His shaky hands reach for your face, wiping your tears with his thumbs, “Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” His voice sounded so broken, like he too is on the verge of crying.

Instead of replying, you cry even harder and his heart just shatters. Without thinking, he pulls the covers off and scoops you into his arms like he’s been wanting to do for so long. You hold onto his shirt for dear life, wetting the material with your tears as he hugs you tight, rubbing your back and so desperately whispering words of comfort into the crown of your head.

You eventually cried yourself to sleep. But the good thing is that you even fell asleep in the first place. Jeonghan stayed with you the entire time, making sure you were, for the most part, okay as you slept in his arms.

“You scared me,” is what he tells you the moment he notices that you are finally awake. “I’m– I’m so sorry…” you get choked up almost immediately, just about ready to burst into tears again but Jeonghan runs his fingers through your hair and shushes you gently. He holds you close, lips ghosting on your forehead.

And you just stay like that for a while, feeling your broken pieces slowly come back together in his warm embrace, a sense of ease finally finding you. When he’s sure you’ve calmed down, he brings his face lower and presses his forehead against your own. His eyes flutter closed as he sucks in a breath. “How are you feeling?” he then whispers, slowly pulling away and opening his eyes to look at you.

Awful is an understatement but that’s really all you can think of right now, so that’s exactly what you tell him. He just nods, pulling you into him again and hugging you tighter, “I’ll make you feel better. I’ll make it go away.” Finally, you wrap your arms around him too, sighing quietly into his chest, your mind feeling a lot less crowded.

As you watch Jeonghan burn his finger again trying his absolute best to cook for you, you’re convinced that he’s an actual angel. One that the universe bestowed upon you in return for always giving you a hard time. He is your little miracle in the guise of a handsome man with painfully adorable floppy ears and an equally adorable tail.

You feel warm all over as you chuckle at him. He’s smiling at you unsuspectingly as if you didn’t just see it all happen in front of you, hastily putting his hand under running water for the second time around. “J-Just a minute, okay? I just need to… Uhh…” You shake your head, hopping off your stool and rounding the counter. “I’ll finish up, Jeonghan. It’s okay. Go take care of that burn.”

He opens his mouth to protest but he decides against it. Grunting in response, he makes his way to grab the first aid kit, bottom lip jutting out into a pout as he carefully puts ointment on his blisters and wraps them up with a gauze bandage. You can tell this has happened multiple times already for him to know exactly what to do and it almost physically pains you to think so.

He must’ve burned himself a lot when you were stuck in your personal hell a few days back. He must’ve been so lost, so taken aback by what happened, by how you treated him. Everything was going so smoothly after all. You’d literally just celebrated three months of him living with you and out of nowhere, your demons came back to haunt you.

Hadn’t you just said you were feeling so much better? So much happier with him around? Clearly, you spoke too soon. How fucking annoying. This is why being happy scares you sometimes because the moment you feel like you’re at your highest, the world just pulls you back down and slams you into the dirt. You should’ve known, should’ve seen this coming.

Maybe then, you could’ve warned him or even just told him about it. Then again, this is something that’s a little sensitive for you and it’s not like you could force yourself to open up about it anyway. “I’m supposed to be cooking for you…” he murmurs through his little pout, snapping you out of your thoughts.

Your eyes refocus and you turn to look at him, your lips unconsciously pulling into a small smile. You expertly toss the fried rice in the pan just as he added a very quiet, “I want to take care of you too.” You almost didn’t catch it because of how softly he said it but you did and you can’t help but melt at his words.

Setting the pan down and turning the heat off, you face him entirely. He’s picking at his bandages and sighing when you suddenly step closer to him, wordlessly hugging his waist. Jeonghan doesn’t think twice about wrapping his own arms around you.

“Hmm? Something wrong?” From his previous whiny tone, his voice softens into something more pacifying and comforting. One of his hands automatically comes up to comb through your hair, his lips ghosting against your forehead, nose in your hair as he inhales your scent. His eyes close in both ease and bliss. You always smell so good, so sweet and warm.

“N-Nothing, it’s just– Jeonghan… I– You–” He hugs you a little tighter when he notices you struggling to get your words out, an obvious lump probably forming in your throat. “If you’re going to apologize again, don’t bother,” he mumbles into your hair before gently pulling away to look you in the eyes.

You stare back, eyes brimming with tears and his heart just instantly aches. “I already told you, right? It’s okay and I forgive you. You don’t even need to apologize.” You search his caramel brown orbs and you see nothing but sincerity in them.

He meant every single word he said but you still can’t shake away how bad you feel, how extremely guilty you are. You made Jeonghan really worried, didn’t take good care of him at all during those times and you made him scared shitless, thinking the absolute worst of the situation.

He didn’t deserve to be left in the dark like that. He didn’t deserve to be hurt because you were being pathetic and miserable on your own. Up until now, he still doesn’t know exactly what happened and yet, he never asked or demanded to know. He says he wants to take care of you too but that’s all he’s been doing lately. He’s been taking care of you more than you’ve been taking care of him.

He’s been so attentive of you and despite still being pretty mischievous, still living off of annoying the shit out of you, when the time calls for it, he knows when to tone it down and listen to you, when to be there for you when you really need him to be.

You’ve been battling this on your own for so long. And now he’s here and suddenly, you actually feel like you can and will get through it when it comes back. You’re a little braver, a little more confident in yourself now and that’s all thanks to him.

Blinking away your tears didn’t work. Because if anything, doing that only made them roll down your cheeks faster. Jeonghan quickly wipes them away with his thumbs. “Shh, it’s alright. I’m here, I’m here,” he whispers, hugging you and stroking your hair. You hug him back tighter, hands fisting the back of his shirt, “I-I know. And I’m so– hic– s-so thankful for that. Thank y-you, Jeonghan. Thank you…”

You feel him nod his head and then he kisses your temple, swaying you from side to side as he continues to pat and stroke your head. “I don’t know if I should be sad or not. You’re so cute. Why are you suddenly being so soft and emotional?” he chuckles and drops another kiss on your temple, lips lingering on your skin.

Your cheeks suddenly feel like they’re on fire, making you bury your face in his chest. “I was jus bin nones… Thans Jeonan. I lov– I m-meam–” He laughs with his body, cutting you off and making your heart flutter at the melodic sound. “What? I have no idea what you just said right now.”

He tries to pull away but you don’t let him. Your face feels so fucking warm you must be as red as a tomato and you can’t let him see you like that! His laugh dies down into a quiet chuckle at the iron grip you have on the back of his shirt and he sighs a soft, contented sigh.

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