#don't find my personal fucking email
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!!!
I came here to complain, got distracted, but now im back to complaining.
usually, I don't complain about things like this when it applies to me. I spread the word of other writers and reblog their posts because they're writers too, however, I usually just delete rude/weird asks and comments and also block the person because it isn't worth it to give that person attention.
BUT I HAVE MADE AN EXCEPTION
please for the love of god, DO NOT FIND MY PERSONAL EMAIL AND EMAIL ME COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LACK OF WRITING.
like yeah, I haven't been writing in a while. I am WELL AWARE OF THAT. IM THE ONE FUCKING WRITING.
also, there's a reason why Im not writing. im a STEM (neuroscience girlys rise up) student and I have a job and im involved in my community and im going through a budding romance. BUT EVEN IF NONE OF THAT WAS GOING ON, THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE BECAUSE THAT'S MY PERSONAL EMAIL.
I am a person. I have a life outside of sitting in front of a computer and writing necrophilia and lesbian smut. PLEASE FUCKING REMEMBER THAT.
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well that was a shortlived good feeling about my job
#maybe i should just become unemployed. maybe i should just suffer!#recap of todays further events .#that supervisor? who i kinda didnt already like but now absolutely hate?#she came down to confirm that i wasnt leaving. okay . and then she fucking tells me#oh we're going to get another person to help out from this other company. we were going to do that bc we thought you were leaving#but she thinks that even if im staying there should be another person on this floor. bc apparently more has to be done#and there are 'constant complaints' abt this floor . which doesnt make sense to me bc there shouldnt be#and so we're waiting to see what the manager decides but hes on fucking vacation and wont get back until. next week??#she said she was gonna email him and like right after she left i emailed and texted him explaining everything#and trying to very nicely say hey what the fuck are you doing you don't need to hire anyone else#and if im doing a bad job fucking tell me so i can do it better. bitch#and she had the nerve to fucking tell me when she was talking to me#that i wont find an easier job than this one#well if its so fucking easy why are we hiring someone else#by the way getting that extra person from this other company doesnt cost them anything which is why theyre doing it i think#which is making me not feel good abt my own future lmao. like why would they keep paying me when they can get someone for free#and she was saying all this stuff like oh you have it so good here we dont write you up i do all this stuff to help you like . ok#i didnt ask you to come downstairs w the coffee order and if you wanted me to i would come up . god#but the thing of me not being able to find a better job like wow! what if i killed you. for saying that to my face#and she talks abt how shes been w the company 20 years ok and that doesnt give you an excuse to treat me like a child. jesus#anyway im very pissed off and not enjoying my work situation lol. i dont wanna do this anymore#but looking at other jobs im so unemployable. sigh
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HOW YOUR EMAIL FINDS ME
#literally. re: email from my ex this morning#every day it takes every ounce of mental and emotional strength i have to get my ass out of bed and face the day#today i begin packing to move the fuck out of here#everything fucking hurts and i hate this so much#i'm not feeling brave about any of this#one of the worst things about a breakup is that it damages you for any potential future relationships#in the sense that “how can i ever trust anyone with my heart and my love ever again?”#as if it's not bad enough losing someone you thought would be in your life forever#but the deeply cutting betrayal of finding out that this person you actually trusted with your literal life had led you on FOR YEARS#ESPECIALLY in the sense that this whole scenario is giving me intense flashbacks to the ending of another relationship#that broke me so bad it almost killed me#and it's easy for them to say “i hope you find someone who makes you happy” when they have someone new in their life#if i believed i had prospects for a new romantic relationship then it would be a little easier for me to collect myself & regroup & move on#but i don't think i have it in me to go thru any of this again#and that gives me even more layers of anger and rage and grief#as if it wasn't enough to betray me and break my fucking heart#but it broke me FOR ANY FUTURE LOVE AND HAPPINESS TOO#i know it's not productive for me to think that way#but right now i am fucking drowning in my fucking pain and fucking grief and fucking rage#i wanted stability and love and trust and someone to come home to every night and someone to come home to me every night#i just wanted to love and be loved#i wanted someone who i could call home#I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED#rage#grief#trauma#edward teach#our flag means death#ofmd
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I think I might actually legitimately be at my limit. Like I think I've reached the end of my rope, actually
#liz's personal tag#it's really not that big a deal I think#it's just been tiny things all piling up#one after the fucking other#and i think i just made a goof at work because i can't find an email telling this lady that i'm attending her fair on wednesday#even though i have confirmations for the other three schools i'm going to#and outlook looooooooves to delete my fucking emails#so i'm hoping and praying that i did actually email to rsvp#or that she'll be willing to make an exception and let me come#i'm just so fucking tired of having to teach myself how to do shit at this job#because there's only so much the people around me know how to do or teach me#and my actual supervisor never sat me down and showed me how to do the things i needed to know how to do#so i'm constantly finding out that i don't know how to do stupidly simple things and then i look like a fucking moron#and i'm so tired of feeling stupid all the time and i just want to cry even though everyone knows it's not my fault#and fuck y'all i just feel so fucking stupid right now and i hate it and now i'm crying#anyway here's wonderwall
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the answer to being stressed and depressed is asking for help. the answer to being stressed and depressed is asking for help. the answer to being stressed and depressed is asking for help. the answer to being stressed and depressed is asking for help. the answer to being stressed and depressed is asking for help.
#repeating this in my brain as many times as it takes to stick#if I dont know what I am doing in grad school the only way to find out is to ask!!!!!!!!!!#if I don't know how to come up with a research question the only way to learn is to ask yet another person to explain it to me!!!!!!!#if my advisor isn't doing shit to help me I will just have to learn from other people#no I don't have a thesis question yet. but I have to make a research proposal for community ecology#and that is basically the first step of a thesis#so if I learn how to do this for this class from this professor I can apply that knowledge to my thesis#it just means I have to actually ASK MY PROFESSOR FOR HELP#I did send him an email asking for advice and now we have a meeting at 9am tomorrow#hopefully I can finally figure out how the fuck this works#if I can't...... not joking grad school may not be for me#cause that is literally like the point of grad school#learning how to do research#and I am failing step one
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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#This shouldn't be a surprise but seriously no one actually cares about my survival yes I've asked for help why would I get help#I'm functionally nocturnal and I keep staying up for like 48 hours and then sleeping for a day and I never know where I am#Or what day it is or if it's morning or night#Normal humans eat three meals a day and snacks right I think I maybe eat a snack every other day#I just don't feel hunger and my body hurts and cooking is so much effort I don't have#Weed used to help me be able to eat easily but now everything is just so hard and no food in house n cant go to store bc of ptsd too scary#I keep telling people when they ask that I am doing badly and need help but they as always just tell me to go to the store and buy food#Because it should be easy for a normal person!!! That would be such helpful and kind advice if I were normal#But I am not I am severely sick and traumatized and driving hurts so bad and stores give me panic attacks#Seriously if literally nobody cares about my struggling why not just be euthanized at this point?#This problem is so inconvenient to everyone and I have done all I can to convince people that I'm worth the inconvenience but :(#If I were worth talking to or visiting or helping people would have done that and I would be fine but I am not and that's okay#I genuinely don't mind being a husk at all#I'm just weirdly sad about it right now maybe because I think I feel hungry but genuinely I can't tell thanks autism#I also haven't been able to do my t shot in like three or four weeks I keep trying but I literally can't get the needle in :((#I imagine less testosterone in my system also makes me tired and lose my appetite#I'm so fucked up and nobody cares that I start my day at 8pm and am active and reply to emails and shit at 4am#Why would anyone notice that first of all but still. I would notice.#When even strangers are struggling I notice and I will do anything for anyone but it's selfish upon selfish to expect it back I understand#I keep looking for arfid and ed affirmations to help me but I can't find anything good#Genuinely . what the fuck#Just fucking need to be someone's dog feed me walk me put me in a cage teach me how to be better and treat me like I don't know shit#Because I don't I'm so stupid I can't even feed myself I'm dying please help me
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god sometimes i wish the whole "you wouldn't say/do that to a physically disabled person" lie that certain mentally ill people say was true bc i fucking WISH i could use "I'm in a wheelchair" as a gotcha for people being ableist against me. unfortunately,
#so my psych that I'm dropping the SECOND i get a new (better) one#like that whole facility. they DO have telehealth/video appointments#but they fucking?????? make the PATIENT DRIVE TO THE BUILDING FOR THE APPOINTMENT#WHILE THE DOCTOR IS AT FUCKING HOME. WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO GO INTO HER OFFICE WHEN SHE'S NOT EVEN THERE?????#like it's actually fucking ridiculous AND they NEVER get interpreters when requested AND they ONLY allow to schedule by PHONE#like- my Deaf mother literally physically cannot communicate with them because they refuse to speak to a video phone interpreter#or let her talk to them in person or via email. it actually pisses me off so fucking much#and like. most doctors offices. if you're late they give you 15 minutes before they declare you a no show and cancel#that place gives FIVE MINUTES. i walked in SIX MINUTES LATE one day and BEGGED them to just let me do the appointment#and they still refused#so i was out of meds for like. two weeks. anyway#the last straw was the last TWO times i went i was in my wheelchair#and the doors. open inwards to the rooms#so they closed me in the room for the appointment#and i PHYSICALLY COULDN'T GET OUT because i COULDN'T OPEN THE DOOR because there wasn't enough wheelchair space#and i had to frantically text my mom to let me out and SHE GOT IN TROUBLE FOR IT when i was SOBBING#bc i had tried genuinely screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to let me out of the room but nobody fucking heard me#and the second time i told the nurse 'HEY I CAN'T GET OUT OF HERE WITH MY CHAIR' and she was like 'don't worry I'll come get you'#she never did. i had to get my mom again#not fucking going back there ever again they've only ever pissed me off more with every single interaction#oh also they only let you schedule new appointments after they SEND YOU A LETTER SAYING YOU CAN CALL TO SCHEDULE NOW#if you call before then they DON'T LET YOU#and they give literally fucking 3-5 day later appointments when I've requested SEVERAL times I NEED A TWO WEEK NOTICE FOR WORK#also they don't give a shit about cutting you off your medicine cold turkey and not refilling it until several requests later#fuck that place. i hope every good doctor there finds a better job and the building gets abandoned and crumbles to the ground.
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worst part of picking up a new physical craft is not knowing what the FUCK the names are of some of the pieces and where u can get them
#there's this place that makes BEAUTIFUL chokers i find rly inspiring but like#i want BIG spikes. something past 40mm long. some things as wide or wider than 15mm.#and there's this SUPER common U shaped piece that I see everywhere but have no fucking clue what it's called#where do the crafty girlies b ordering their supplies from bc amazon isn't gonna cut it for what I'm looking for 😔#at least not the spikes >.> maybe the other piece if I can figure out whats it's called#anyways.. the site is run by one woman who handmakes everything and I sent her an email asking for her supplier lol#i made it clear it's just as a hobby and personal expression so i hope fr she doesn't think I'm trying to compete 😭#like listen.. i love everything i make so much even when i meant to sell them i just couldn't okay.. I could not part with anything#I'd make one off stuff for free for ppl i care about but I'm not about to open up a shop yfm. 😮💨 we'll see#i feel like with this kind of question ur either gonna be super supportive bc You Get It or ur gonna be rly suspicious and not help lol#to which.. i would even offer to buy the studs n the other thing off her but i don't wanna pay extra for it just bc someone is sussed out 😔#so mm.. ig I'd see what her offer is. but this is just me rambling internally and trying to cover my bases :^} i want the supplies sooo bad#u would think a diy site for leather would be easy(-ish?) to find but 😔
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Finally sent the email (only took me a month)
Emails really offer a snapshot of all that is wrong with modern life.
In history books I expect there to be a paragraph at the end of our chapter explaining 'why were they like that' and its just a little summary saying 'ok so they had these things called emails'
#to be clear i don't think it's emails themselves that fucked us#emails are not a bad idea! many things are made easier by the existence of emails#HOWEVER#while a harmless concept i think that emails were themselves very vulnerable to the rot that runs through our society#its about the constant advertising. its about having to wade through it to find what's important.#it's about my government communicating with me in the same place as someone trying to sell me a new hat & also the person trying to scam me#it's about how the hat man is only there to sell me hats because i welcomed him in for a 10% discount.#i sold 24/7 access to myself for a convenience! for nothing! and it seemed reasonable at the time. it will seem reasonable next time#where do i wade through bureaucracy more often than my inbox???#and then... its that emails are there all of the time. they didn't use to be. we made them so. they didn't have to be.#every day i walk about society with a pocket full of letters. their constant weight only serves to increase the time it takes you to reply?#with an email there is no urgency there is all the urgency#(we've all worked with someone who marks everything as urgent. no Andrew. this isn't urgent & you didnt need to send it to the whole team)#its about a workload which nobody will ever admit is unmanageable and yet which you are never supposed to see an end of#it's about the intimate distance. the personal remoteness of it all#it's about the world being filled with beauty but none of that reaching emails. emails serve to wash out the joy.#a good thing in an email is not as good as the same thing out of an email#nothing is real#the number of unread messages means nothing here. none of it means anything. it's all washed out
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#delete later#please let this be the only email#please don't let anyone else find out about this#i think i would fucking die if anyone else here knows this crazy person is trying to destroy my life#i don't want any of my coworkers to know or anyone in the dean's office or even my roommates#please please please
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most embarrassed this morning. no talk me
#to be a millenial for a moment: adulting is hard 🫠🫠#but when you tap an email address and your phone decides to open gmail to an entirely different email address and you don't realise bc you-#are sick as hell this morning and send off the email to the wrong address nonetheless and find out half an hour later#that you sent the email to the wrong person#thats not entirely you at fault. in my humble opinion.#fuck man. what the hell
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*wakes up*
*grabs phone*
*email notification*
*new comment on SotRL*
*throws phone to the far side of adjacent couch*
*goes back to sleep*
#NOT TODAY THANK YOU#not ever. preferably#I was not emotionally prepared for this#look... I think I might be the direct opposite of literally every writer on the planet#because seeing that email made me feel sick to my stomach#this has singlehandedly sent my entire day off kilter#I'm supposed to go to my grandma's today but now all I want to do is rot in bed for the rest of the day#literally anyone else would have been happy to receive a several sentences long comment praising them#but my initial reactions were 'how the fuck did you find this?' 'why the fuck would you read it?' and 'I should've deleted when I wanted to'#I've heard countless stories about sudden comments received years after the last update kicking authors into continuing the story#usually in PSAs to always comment or whatever#but I just feel awful#not because I feel guilty over not finishing SotRL or anything like that#just.. because this is exactly the reason why I wanted to delete that fic#people reading anything I've written makes me want to die but SotRL especially#it's old. the writing is bad. there's a reason I call it my greatest failure#I don't want people to read it. that's why I wanted it gone#and the comment was so nice too. much more than just a call for an update#I hate that it caused this reaction in me because it's clear the person only had the best intentions in mind#but I can't control my emotions. far from the first time I wish that I could#someone put me in the guiness world record book as the first person to ever get genuinely upset over a nice comment#I laugh shit like this off as the mortifying ordeal of being known or whatever but in reality it's so much worse#if I didn't have anything to stop me my entire ao3 account would be gone. I hate the thought of people reading my work#just further proof that I'm not a writer. that I spent six years deluding myself into believing that I was#trying to shove square pieces into triangular holes like a dumb toddler#I should have quit before any of this happened. erased everything and forgotten about it like a bad dream#I should have never started writing in the first place#if I had the chance to go back in time and tell one thing to my 11 year old self it would be to not even think about writing#it has brought me nothing but pain and suffering and I really should have stayed away from it#too late now. I've been irreversibly ruined
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Why do I never trust myself. I've lived in this body for 27 years, I literally know when it's getting sick, but I was like nooo, it's just because I'm sleep deprived and on my period and autumn sometimes does weird things to my body. Stupid. Stuuuuuupid
#i'm sitting here right now in web dev class... well we're on a break atm actually#it makes no difference though because i'm comprehending absolutely nothing whatsoever#i keep having to turn my camera off because i don't want people to see me continuously coughing and blowing my nose#i feel so lousyyyyy how did this happen. it happened so fast. this morning i just had a scratchy sore throat#i sat down in a class In Which I Need To Have My Camera On and my nose was immediately like 'quick let's do an impression of niagara falls'#i'm not comprehending any part of class. i don't know if it's the lack of sleep or my sickness getting to me#but it honest to god feels like we're zooming. we JUST learned what a function is and my mans is like 'write one and invoke it'#i'm sorry WHAT. invoke the function? like summoning a demon??? sir.#and when i tell you i copied his code EXACTLY but my shit still wouldn't show up in the console log... i'm sick of this#it doesn't help that i have this absolutely hopeless crush on one of my classmates so i was desperately writing down everything i find#annoying about him to try to give myself the ick. i fear it's too late though. i mean if his weird squeaky voice and the fact that he's#balding hasn't put me off; i don't think his weird room will either#it's not even weird. it just is suspiciously clean and devoid of personality. and his bedframe is weird. anyway#(there's nothing wrong with balding it just super doesn't look good on him. plus i like a good head of hair. i like something to hang onto)#MOVING ON. i've just sent a message cancelling physio tomorrow because i can't go and infect this woman who is the only reason i'm mobile#i've NEVER texted her before though because i booked the first appointment online and the rest in person and i usually just. show up#this is gonna be the first appointment i've missed since we began in june. please clap#i just hope to fucking god i have the right number lmao like i got it from her email but. help#i think i'm liable for a 50% cancellation fee because it's less than 24 hours... fucking kill me now#i'm so mad at myself for not cancelling this morning. i KNEW i was sick i was just in denial#this is because i ate a piece of sausage roll that had been in my niece's weird little hand isn't it.#she's a toddler with permanent postnasal drip and i have a terrible immune system because i don't leave the house. such is life#look it was eat the roll or allow her to leave it on the ground in a really nice shop I WASN'T DOING THAT#personal
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hahahahahaha i am so screwed hahahahahahaha
#got an email today to send in our information for the big scholarship i got last year and guess who doesn't meet the GPA requirement!!!!!!!!#i litrally don't know what to do#i literally can't even text my friend who also got the scholarship because her grades and gpa are wonderful and mine are shit and it will#make me feel like the most stupid person in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway. i am going to email the lady tomorrow and be like 'hey heres the situation pls tell me if theres anything i can do'#because i was genuinely depending on this scholarship to help me pay rent and stuff but lol#im kinda hoping that they'll take pity on me since i'm retaking the class that i failed that plummeted my gpa and once i transfer the credit#it will boost my gpa and just be like 'yeah no worries we'll send the money once you meet the requirement'#that OR they'll be like 'due to ur special circumstances of being an orphan we are taking pity on you and will work with you'#OR EVEN 'yeah whatever we'll send the money this time but if it happens again you're getting it taken away'#i genuinelly don't know what i'll do if i get it taken away#like yeah i'll have my school paid for but literally only because i took out loans#not to mention that i will have to tell everyone that i lost the scholarship and even if i don't tell them they will find out because they#do a banquet every single year to celebrate new and past recievers and everyone will notice i am not there#and i will be the biggest failure in the entire world who couldn't even meet a very simple fucking gpa requirement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway. forcing myself to not panic and feel despair yet#i am actually going to text one of my other friends who is not involved in this whatsoever and get her advice#its fine it will be fine it will all work out i am not going to lose the scholarship they literally told me even if my mom hadn't died my#senior year that they still would have given me the scholarship it is FINE i will be FINE#lacey talks
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medication titration is such a bonkers concept they're like here *throws prescription at your forehead* fuck around with your brain until something sticks, and so you basically have to treat yourself like a weird little science experiment for months
#i mean normally i find fucking around with my body highly amusing but right now it's just weird. last week i was depressed and then had a p#pseudo panic attack the next day and then i cleaned my entire room and now i'm just hanging out but i'm hungry. i'm so hungry. all the time#i just wanted to be able to send some emails?? okay that's an under-exaggeration but still#and then you go on reddit and everyone's like 'first day of medication and i've just seen god!!! my life is fixed!!!' which sure isn't the#whole picture but these people are like getting actual results meanwhile i just want to drink coffee so bad. coffee and alcohol are two pri#prime joys in my life (besides fanfiction) and you're not supposed to do either of those things. meanwhile it's hard to focus on the fanfic#with the whole dopamine situation so now i have NONE of the joys in my life#is it worth having a modicum of functionality as a human person if the joys in my life are gone ???? we just don't know#personal#adhd struggles#i think that's what i tagged this last time apparently if i stop cleaning i start hyperactive posting#this isn't going well for me what if i'm in a lecture then my brain just starts going ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#you know?
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