#drarry crack

[iamnmbr3]

Dark Wizards: We have your husband.

Harry: How do I know you're telling the truth?

Dark Wizards: Please come and take him back. He's making us feel so bad. He's already composed 5 songs about how terrible we are at our jobs.

Harry: Oh that's him. I'll be right over.

[caffeinefics]

Draco: I'm a beast in the sheets.

Harry: You thanked me after you came.

Draco: I meant Google sheets. But I resent the implication.

Harry: Did I lie?

Draco:

Draco: Fuck you.

Harry: We literally just established that you can't.

[pepperpaperpopper]

Harry Potter and the dubious rescue of his ferrety boyfriend

Draco Malfoy always ends up getting bullied by other animals while in his Animagus form. Harry must rescue him again. Or must he?

I'm very late to claiming my fic for the @unleashed-fest 😅 but I've just recently become active on Tumblr so here it is.

The unleashed fest inspired me to write my first ever (completed) fan-fic! I am ever so grateful to the lovely mods @getawayfox and @stavromulabetaaa for hosting this lovely fest. I had so much fun writing for it. It basically kickstarted my fanfic journey as a writer 😄

[vukovich]

peculiar prompt (if the spirit moves you): Draco's been cursed — whenever he talks, it just sounds like *incoherent kazoo noises* enter Harry Potter — secret kazoo interpreter, who also gets off to the sound of unpleasant instruments (this is canon, btw. it just wasn't mentioned in the books bc it wasn't relevant to the plot)

They’re In Kazoots

Draco slumped in his hospital bed and sighed, but it sounded like a pile of rubber chickens being sat on.

Hermione reviewed his chart and tried to ignore her mediwitch mentor looking over her shoulder.  If she couldn’t figure it out soon, she was going to have to admit defeat, and doing so would hurt her next evaluation.

Nurse Racket harrumphed.  “Gawain said it happened during training,” she said crisply.  “So we can rule out dark magic.  But certainly rule in stupidity.”

Hermione tried to ignore that her mentor was on a first name basis with the director of the DMLE.

Draco pointed at Nurse Racket and honked a single discordant syllable.  

“Robards?” Hermione asked.  “Should we contact him?”

Draco shook his head to the tune of, “HROO HROO HROO,” then held a hand level and lowered it.

“Not Robards,” Hermione said.  “Someone lower down.”

Draco nodded silently, then made circles with his thumbs and forefingers and held them over his eyes like glasses.

“Oh,” Hermione said with finality.  “Harry?”

Draco crossed his arms and let out a disdainful, “Hwoo.”

--

It took an hour and a half for Harry to show up at St Mungo’s, and his hair was a little on fire when he did.  The Auror unit smelled like a hair dryer from 1988 after he'd walked down the hall to Draco’s room.

Draco waved a flippant hand at Harry’s smoldering look and said, “Hroo-hoo-hoo, ha-hoo.”

Harry rolled his eyes and patted his still-smoking hair.  “Sorry.  The tourney brackets got lop-sided, and I filled in.”

Draco let loose in a barrage of honks and hoots that sounded like a flock of geese stuck in a pipe organ.  Hermione backed away in horror.

Harry held his hands up in self-defense.  “I’m sorry!  I didn’t know it wouldn’t wear off.”

Draco grumbled a “HOO-hoo” that sounded suspiciously like “tosser.”

“Wait,” Hermione said.  “You can understand him?”

Harry blinked at her for a long moment.  He still reeked of burning hair.  “Yeah,” he said, and the duh was implied.  “Parseltongue.”  He pointed at himself.  “Remember?”

Hermione and Nurse Racket exhanged baffled glances, then looked at Draco.  He somehow honked, “Duh,” rather clearly.

Nurse Racket shook her head and turned around and muttered something about having a word with Gawain on the way out of the room.  Hermione suspected that word would be short, curt, and start with an F.

“But how would Parseltongue-”

Draco hooted softly under his breath and held two cupped hands out lewdly.

Harry frowned at him and shook his head.  “That’s not very nice.”

Draco honked something high and flutey as he groped an imaginary bum.

“Neither is that.”

Draco rolled his eyes and let out a warbling, sarcastic squawk, hands on his hips, sneering at Nurse Racket’s arse the whole time.

Harry turned pink while Hermione watched.  “What’s he saying?”

Harry shook his head and turned even pinker.  “Doesn’t matter.”

Draco’s polyphonic clatter sounded suspiciously like Baby Got Back, and if Hermione didn’t know better, Harry snort-laughed somewhere around the anaconda line.

“I’m gonna-” Harry struggled to hold back another laugh. “I’m just gonna take him home until this wears off.”

Draco winked and let out a low, crooning honk, like a gangly aquatic bird during mating season.  Harry cleared his throat, then glared at him.  Draco did it again.  Harry adjusted his trousers.

She closed his chart and decided she didn’t care if this case counted against her record or not.  It wasn’t worth the marks to watch her best friend flirt with a kazoo-voiced lover.  A brief, unwelcome thought as to what the sex would sound like made her shudder.

Draco squeaked and winked at Harry.

“Yeah…” Hermione said slowly.  “He’s all yours.”

[if-i-could-fly-h0me]

Someone please find me that post about how Ginny had Tom Riddle's diary write Harry Potter a poem.

I need a fic where an eleven year old Draco writes all about this green-eyed scar head he met at Hogwards in a magical diary he found in his father's library. The words all vanish instantly so it's perfect to write about his secret little crush.

After the horcrux is destroyed, I'm hoping someone (Hermione) figures out a way to find the transcripts of all the conversations the diary's ever had. It's a crucial evidence against Lucius Malfoy after all. And that's how Harry finds out. Draco is mortified and tries valiantly to pretend it didn't happen.

"What a shame😞 I was about to ask you out. 😏 If you really hate me so much, I'll just go......... "

-"You get back here right now, so help me Merlin"

[panda-malfoy-93]

Draco: light travels in straig

Draco: starigh

Draco: stghit

Draco: strait

Draco: I can't spell stright

Harry: I would be surprised if you could :)

Draco: ⋌༼ •̀ ⌂ •́ ༽⋋

[teacup-gathering-itself]

Closeted Harry coming out to Ron after his breakup with Ginny and Ron just being like, “cool just don’t date one of my brothers”

Fred and George freezing and looking at Harry with nothing but absolute delight at the potential mischief.

Harry making eye contact with them, immediately understanding their intentions, and winking as he puts a finger to his lips, shushing them.

Ron following Harry’s line of sight and screaming “NO. NO. FUCK NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.”

Harry and the twins platonically flirting in the most obnoxious ways imaginable.

Harry showing up to breakfast in the Great Hall late with a different twins sweater on, looking debauched. One or even both the twins give him a salacious once over. Ron wants to sink into the floor and die.

Ron eventually gets used to this but absolutely loses it when the rest of his brothers send him their sweaters and flirt with him at the Burrow.

The Weasley boys sending flirty howlers to Harry just to send Ron spiraling.

Ron being so relieved when Harry dates literally anyone who isn’t one of his older brothers.

[blakeblueboi]

The sitchie being bullying Harry and the impies being his big fat crush on one (1) Harry Potter

Please this was so funny in my head

[frm9pm]

I saw they were selling HP chocolate wands the other day…

[moonlightdancer26]

not a single brain cell in sight

[aro-ace-of-spades]

And I'll leave it again! Bitch

[iamnmbr3]

Harry: So I chose someone a little bit unusual to go to Slughorn's party with me but-

Ron: Oh no. Oh no. It's happening isn't it? It's actually happening.

Harry: What?

Ron: Is the person very blond?

Harry: Yes.

Ron: With silver eyes?

Harry: Yeah actually. How did you-

Ron: And do they idolize their father and repeat all of his crazy views as fact?

Harry: Yup! You've guessed it! Or did someone already tell you I'm going with- Ron? Are you alright?

Ron: I can't believe it. It happened. It actually happened. Hermione and I saw this coming but oh Merlin.

Harry: What's wrong with taking Luna?

Ron: Luna? .... Oh. Oh. LUNA. LUNA LOVEGOOD.

Harry: Obviously.

Ron: YOU'RE TAKING LUNA LOVEGOOD! THANK GOD!

Harry: ...Yes. Who did you think I meant?

Ron: Nevermind but wow you sure have a type huh?

[ecoterrorist-katara]

One thing I've come to realize is that male Kataang fans don't even try to hide their hatred of Katara. They're the ones behind those dumb memes about her talking about her mother. They're the ones who ignore that she was parentified. They're the ones to try to downplay how strong of a water-bender she is. They're the ones who preferred her in LOK.

They're the ones who show the most overall contempt for Katara. But they love Kataang because the "unattractive" guy got the "hot" girl he's been pining over the whole show

anon where’s the lie?? You’re so right. Katara’s value to them is “caring pretty girlfriend” and her other characteristics — positive or negative — are just not relevant to them. Never mind her trauma or her rage or her incredible accomplishments.

Tbh, I’ve seen some female Zvkka shippers act this way about Katara too, and ofc they also ship Ka/taang. The Katara ship I see in most Zvkka fics is Ka/taang, which is unfortunate because I also like Zvkka, but that makes it harder for me to enjoy most of the content. Anyway not every woman relates to Katara, obviously, but the way some Zvkka fans aggressively distance themselves from Katara is almost weird. I mean it’s not new for a female character to be downplayed in favour of an M/M ship, but it still annoys me. My pet peeve truly is “female character gets stuck in a mediocre canon relationship bc the M/M shippers can’t be assed to give her a better partner”

[bitui-n]

[vukovich]

Peculiar Prompts

@mintamintathings  asked:

Character 1: Draco | Character 2: Harry| Type of building: storage facility | Flavor: watermelon | Keepsake: a valuable sex toy (can they be family heirlooms? why not) | Phobia: photography | Costume: Marie Antoinette | Furniture: vanity

Stealth Mode Activated

"I am going to diiiiieeee," Harry said, sprawled across a tufted velvet chair that should have called itself a throne.  A dusty, tattered throne in the middle of the Malfoy vault.

"Eventually, yes," Draco replied from behind a vanity.  He flipped through a wood and brass-bound album, mobile in one hand, snapping pictures of the pages as he went.  "But what will kill you first?"

Harry reached down and scooped up a handful of Galleons from the stone floor, wrenched his arm back, and whipped them at the immeasurably high ceiling.

"Stupidity," Draco said, examining the photo of a page of birth records, "or the boredom that precipitates the-" gold discs pelted Harry's chest, and he let out a yelp "-stupidity?"

"Boredom," Harry said, words muffled by his arms and jacket protecting his head.  "Probably."

Keep reading

Draco sighed, raised his mobile, and took a picture of the Golden Boy hiding from a golden shower of his own creation.  The click of the photo app startled Harry out of his hunker.

"Did you just take my fucking picture?"

Draco shrugged, one eyebrow raised, and held his mobile over another album page.   He made eye contact with Harry, clicked, and tilted his chin.

Harry squinted at him.  "You did.   Bastard."

Draco smirked.  "Not my fault the paps ruined you for it."

Harry wrinkled his nose as if he smelled broccoli.  "I hate it."

Draco tapped the screen, and the mobile clicked again.  "I know."

Harry snarled at him.  It carried all the fury of a peeved shih tzu.

Draco turned a page and examined a photo of a man who could have been his twin, standing in front of a half-built Eiffel Tower.  "Why don't you make yourself useful?"

"And what?" Harry asked, scooping up another handful of golden ammunition.

Draco bit his lip and watched coins sift through Harry's fingers.  What would provide enough of a distraction to keep Harry from being a nuisance?  Bribe him into a nap with the promise of a hard fuck in that chair?  Tell him there was a wish-granting treacle tart hidden somewhere in the pile of rugs?  Convince him there were Dark Artifacts to be destroyed?  Something with some kind of... sexy... powers...

Draco turned an album page.  A man with his arm around an invisible silhouette grinned up at him.

"You could... go on a bit of a treasure hunt?" Draco offered.

Harry sat up.  "For what?"

"A..." Draco drawled, "arse...  An arse... magic...  Uhm..."

Harry stared at him like a dog on point, scowl creasing his forehead.  "A magic buttplug?"

"Uhhh, yeah.  Uhm, a magic buttplug that gives you the power of..." Draco trailed off, looking around the room, his eyes settling on the photo of the man hugging empty air, "...of invisibility."

Harry squinted at him.  "Like my cloak?"

"Uhm, yes."  Draco cleared his throat.  "Yes, the very same magic, in fact."

Harry jumped to his feet.  "Really?  That would be so much easier than the cloak."

"Right, it-"  Draco stopped short.  "It would?  How would shoving something up your-”

Harry gasped, elated.  “You wouldn’t be able to take pictures of me!  What’s it look like?”  Harry scanned the mounds upon mounds of antiques and trinkets.

Draco shrugged, too far into this lie to back out now.  “I suppose you’ll know it when you see it,” he offered weakly.

“Right.”  Harry took off in the direction of what he’d named the Formal Robe Forest.  “Invisibility buttplug,” he muttered from behind a pile of books.

Draco sighed, shook his head, and went back to sloppily digitizing the album.  In theory, he could take the tome with him and scan it at his leisure.  But the vaults were humidity-controlled, and London was London, so there was the possibility that-

“Can you see me?” came Harry’s voice.

Draco looked up to find Harry standing in an aisle with his jeans and boxers around his ankles.  He held his arms out to his sides for Draco’s appraisal.  His dick was obscene with the top half of him still clothed.

“I can definitely see you.”

“Damn.”  Harry shuffle-walked back behind the stack of books.

Draco ran his tongue along his molars and glared at the empty spot in the aisle for a moment, then refocused on the album.  Taking it home would require atmospheric charms over their whole flat, which meant he’d have to apply for a Statute exemption.  They’d already gotten one to install the Floo, and-

Coins slid from a heap to skitter across the aisle.  “Okay, now can you see me?”

Harry stood in the aisle with his hands on his hips, cock at half-mast.  His t-shirt bunched above it and fell around it like theatre curtains.  Peep show, more like.

“I can see every blessed inch of you, yes.”

“Dammit.”  Harry huffed and kicked off his jeans and boxers.  His t-shirt joined the pile.  “I really thought I found it that time.”

He turned and walked a different direction, stark naked, and Draco caught a glimmer of something gold poking from his arsecrack.

“Potter,” he barked.  “What the fuck are you doing back there?”

“Nothing!” Harry called from behind a four-poster bed draped with muslin like a drooping mummy.  “Treasure hunting!”

Draco stared off into the middle distance.  Something plinked against the ground behind the bed, and Harry murmured something self-impressed to himself.  Draco took a deep breath and shouted, “Are you just putting things up your arse?!”

Harry peeked out from behind the bed like a squirrel and looked at Draco, waiting.

“I can see you.”

Harry wrinkled his nose and ducked back behind the muslin.

“What did you just have in your arse?”

Harry scuffled around for a moment.  “An umbrella.”

“A what?!”  Draco slammed the priceless book shut.  “An umbrella?!”

“Like,” Harry started, then grunted softly, “a little ceramic umbrella.”  He scuffled again.  “Whoa,” he said softly to himself.  “Damn.  Tight fit.”

“Harry!  Stop putting my family heirlooms up your arse, you twat!”  Draco tucked the album under his arm.  It was just going to have to survive the London humidity.  “Things I never thought I’d have to yell at Gringotts, number fifty-three.”

“Harry, I-”  Draco froze.  Warm breath tickled his ear.

Harry whispered, lips grazing Draco’s earlobe, “How about now?”

Draco gulped, eyes scanning the empty air around him.  “Nope.”

“Cool.”  Harry’s lips were so close.  “Let’s go home.”

Draco cleared his throat.  “Alright.”

“Good.”  The word rose goosebumps up Draco’s flanks.  Harry brushed his lips along Draco’s cheekbone and whispered,  “Because I’ve got a flower vase absolutely filling my arse that’s gonna need a two-man team to retrieve.”

Draco snorted and turned toward the door, then paused as the words sank in.  “Did you put it in so far that…”

“Going…” Harry said, then leaned forward, invisible weight pressing against Draco’s shoulder.  “Going…”  Lips nipped Draco’s neck.  

Draco closed his eyes for a moment.  “The stupidity.  The stupidity will be what kills you.”

“Gonnnnne…”

“Never a dull moment.”

[imagayvenclaw]

Drarry

Two men

Opposites

Salt and sea

Night and day

Ying and yang

Hero, and villain

They belong together

Their secret smiles

Their passionate lovemaking

Tousled black hair

Contrasting ever-slick blond

A smile and a scowl

A whisper and a moan

Gryffindor and slytherin

Together and alone

Always and never

Night and day

Salt and sea

Two men

Opposites