#ellie versus life

[wunderscheisse]

Still busy with irl stuff, so I don’t have much to offer yet, but have my genuine reaction of seeing the boy, the man, hit rapper and artist Ezra Bridger.

[age-of-moonknight]

“Blood Moon Rising,” Moon Knight (Vol. 9/2021), #19.

Writer: Jed MacKay; Penciler and Inker: Federico Sabbatini; Colorist: Rachelle Rosenberg; Letterer: Cory Petit

[coldshrugs]

what i see in you, i hope you find in me

characters: io laithe (wol), alisaie leveilleur, estinien varlineau wordcount: 1.6k note: io feels out of sorts in garlemald. her friends seek to comfort her. the first part of this is directly before "in from the cold" and the second part is the following day. [read on AO3]

There is a fragile warmth in Camp Broken Glass.

The Ilsabard Contingent troops, faces familiar and foreign to Io, begin the difficult work of welcoming the Ist’s soldiers into their camp. There are wounds to mend, fires to stoke, and enormous pots of soup to simmer and disperse. Not all of her people are cheery about it, but there is a sense of purpose in each of them. This is why they’ve come all this way, faced the perils of the north, faced their bloody history.

Healing is rarely a painless act.

Io stays on the fringes. At best, she is a divisive figure in this land–at worst, she is the manifestation of Garlean terror. It’s better if she lets the soldiers process their new circumstances without meddling and, truthfully, she could do with a moment of peace.

She heads toward a building adjacent to the cookfires to escape the frigid wind. This is as good a place to hide as any. She tugs her fleece-lined coat around her more tightly and leans against the near-frozen wood.

Miles away, the Tower of Babil looms over the city, angry, crimson, and waiting for her. The next leg of her journey, perhaps the final one, will take her there.

To him.

For nearly three years, Zenos has consumed Io’s thoughts. He has stoked her rage, sometimes indirectly, most of the time for his deranged satisfaction. He reaches for the darkness in her that no one else wants to touch, let alone acknowledge, and he sets it aflame. She hates him for it, yet she is grateful to him. One feeling lays on the other, like oil on water, and she cannot find a way to blend them.

At least not one that makes her sound sane.

Footsteps approach and the crunch of snow shakes Io from her thoughts.

“There you are.” Alisaie stops at her side. She glares at the Tower for a long moment, then turns to Io. “Are you alright? Some of the Contingent have asked about you.”

Io nods and pulls her attention away from the repulsive skyline. “I’m fine, Alisaie. Trying to stay out of the way for the evening.”

Alisaie frowns. “Would you care for company? Alphinaud and I have tended the worst of the injured, and have been all but forced to rest. He’s run off to find that witless oaf he admires so much.”

“He’s not so bad,” Io laughs, and gestures for her friend to settle in against the battered building. “In a few short months, you two will be thick as thieves.”

“You are not often wrong, but I fear this will be the exception.”

Io glances across the camp. It takes a moment to spot them, but Alphinaud, Alberic, and Estinien sit on a couple of low benches, sipping hot soup from hammered metal cups. All three appear to be in good spirits, smiling and laughing as Alphinaud recounts some story or other.

Something strange and sharp twists in her chest at the sight of them. The knowledge she isn't welcome to join them, perhaps.

Her second reason to hide.

“He’s angry with me. I suppose that is his right. I shouldn’t have let them take you two.” Io grits her teeth, fighting against the knot of guilt that has resided in her stomach since the morning.

Estinien is her friend, perhaps the closest she has here besides Alisaie. She understands him, so she can hardly blame him for being upset with her. They are family to him, Alphinaud, and Alisaie by extension. No less than they are to her. He has given Io little more than one-word responses since the twins were found. She may pretend otherwise, but his cold shoulder wounds her.

“Oh, to hells with Estinien.” Alisaie waves a gloved hand dismissively in his direction. “He’ll get over it. Would he have you fire upon civilians while negotiating peace? He may love my brother like a… well, brother, but he must admit there was no ideal series of events to be had. We all did our best, and we all made it through.”

Her hand lands on Io’s arm. Her fingers must feel like ice inside her glove, but Alisaie squeezes anyway, firm and reassuring.

“Thank you, Ali,” she whispers, and her gratitude hangs as a visible breath between them. They stay tucked between the buildings until Y’shtola calls them to dinner.

○––––––––––––––––––––––––––––○

Articulating what it is like to be outside oneself is something Io cannot bring herself to do. How could she describe watching her loved ones nearly cut down by her own hand, while she occupies the body of another? While an intruder operates hers. To be the stringless puppet and the feeble voyeur all at once

She has never been more afraid.

And Zenos… Though something in her heart still quakes like a plucked string at the thought of him, a modicum of sympathy she can't seem to erase, she finally accepts what she has known for so long: there is nothing for her there. Her most monstrous facets are reflected in him, a dark mirror she's been staring into for too long, but she could never do that to someone. Never.

With nothing more she can say to the others, she retreats to her closet-sized room in one of the less-dilapidated buildings. Io shrugs out of her coat, sighing with exhaustion. The icy air bites at her skin, even through her shirt, and she moves toward the ceruleum heater struggling to keep the temperature up in the corner. There is no time to rest. The assault on the Tower is happening in mere hours, and she needs to be armored, armed, and briefed.

Someone knocks, two heavy raps. Io leaves the tepid warmth to open the door.

Estinien?

He's the last person she expected right now.

His jaw is locked, and his hard stare passes over her in quick inspection, missing nothing. Fury lingers in his gray eyes, but unlike yesterday, it’s not her he wants to burn. Is he no longer upset with her?

Unable to meet his gaze, Io looks away. “Is something wrong?”

“I came to ask how you’re doing,” he says, “after yesterday.”

Io opens the door wider, inviting him into the space. He glances at the wooden stool in the corner, then back at her, and crosses the threshold with a reluctant step.

She sits on the cot, too far from the meager rays of heat. The air is heavy between them. Something is on his mind, and Estinien is never one to hold back for long.

“Are you hurt?” He asks after settling on the creaky stool. It’s too small for him, and she bites back her amusement. This is not the time to fall back into their comfortable patterns, no matter how much she longs for them. “They tell me you aren’t, but I would hear it from you.”

“I’m uninjured.”

“And your mind?” Estinien presses, facing her head-on. He searches her face, grey eyes refusing to shy away from whatever the answer may be. She has seen him like this before, harboring an indignant, singular focus, though that was years ago. Yesterday’s irritation was a shadow of this.

“Fine.” She tucks a knee under her chin. It is almost the full truth.

“Io. You're shaking.”

“Perhaps you should blame the climate.”

He grimaces, teeth grinding in frustration. “I have seen you cold before. Do not pretend we're strangers.”

Io runs a hand through her hair. Trying to fool him is as futile as attempting to forget the last twenty-four hours. But he is here, talking to her, and she doesn't want him to go just yet. “And what of your mind, Estinien? You don’t seem yourself.”

His next breath stutters out of him, followed by hesitant words. “Before I found them,” he starts, and she knows he means the twins, “I could only see the worst outcome behind that door. How late would I be, this time? What could I have done to save them? …I prepared my grief. Then the door opened, and they were fine. Just whinging about the cold. It was easy to blame you for what could’ve happened. Easier than going back to the first time I lost family.”

He pauses and looks at her. Looks into her. And there’s the man she knows like the back of her hand. The friend she knows so well, they communicate across silence and stillness. She offers him a half-smile.

“I scoffed when you disappeared, still angry at the false burden I thought you cast upon me. Had I known what happened to you…” The words trail into silence as Estinien forces his eyes away from her to the window and the malevolent tower beyond. “I realized you, too, are… I will lose no more family, Io.”

Her sharp inhale stings her lungs. She watches him as he gazes out the window, projecting his anger toward Babil, Zenos, Fandaniel. Everywhere but her direction.

“Estinien,” she calls across the small room, embarrassed by the soft crack of her voice, and he turns back to her. “We’re alright, all of us. I would never let the twins come to harm. Garlemald has taken much from me, so much that offering aid to this land is agonizing, but it will not take them. I hope you trust me.”

He rises and gives her a firm nod, lingering by the window as if he’s not finished here. He shakes his head, clears his throat.

“Don’t let it take you either.”

That doesn’t feel like the end of it, but he leaves before she can say more.

[angelsforthenight]

BEYOND SALVAGE — ellie williams x fem!reader.

a catholic boarding school AU pt 1 🍓

pt 2 here!

you’re somebody that’s virtuous, staying in an all girls catholic boarding school. fallen victim to the vast fear of god, you try your hardest not to sin. however what happens when an embarrassing incident catches a certain rogue girl’s attention — who absolutely reeks of sin?

content: heavy religious talk, catholic, holy! reader, rebel!ellie, quiet!reader, player!ellie, ellie has piercings, ‘lil raunchy but no smut (yet heheh), v brief mention of drugs, v brief mention of porn.

a/n: this is a rewrite of a fic i did back in the summer! i had accidentally (and stupidly) deleted my account :,) let’s pray people see this.

having lived in a catholic boarding school for half of your life, it’s only natural you were heavily religious. the fear of god plagued you like a disease. you were nailed on following the Word, and earning a seat in heaven — not it’s roaring, fiery counterpart.

you were a good girl: always following the rules the sisters bestowed upon you. always deemed as pure, and untainted. you prayed every night without fail: knelt beside your bed, elbows against the mattress, hands clasped together.

you had always tried your hardest to stray away from sin. however, there’d be temptations, of course. for instance, that one time you caught a bunch of girls in your dorm giggling and squealing at a porno-magazine they had randomly found somewhere. you had accidentally caught a very brief glimpse at a woman flaunting her tits and you couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but it made you feel something. a needy little throb between your thighs. that night, consumed with guilt, you had prayed so hard that your head hurt.

oh, and if we’re talking about temptations? ELLIE WILLIAMS had to be the hardest one yet.

take the word sinful and ellie would come to mind. she was someone you had always tried your best to avoid. rebellious, brash and cocky. it was said she was forced here as punishment from her parents. she had always been hard to discipline: had piercings (spider bites and one on her right brow), always snuck out and was notorious for smuggling in drugs.

even though ellie was a pain, there was no way the nuns could expel her since her parents sponsored the school a generous amount. they had to resort to seeing ellie as someone they could “save.”

whenever she roamed the hallways, every girl would scramble to move out of her way. she was incredibly intimidating and got into fights whenever she wanted to — both with students AND the sisters. of course you wouldn’t want to mess with her.

there were also numerous rumours circling around about her. too many to count, but one stuck with you the most: that she gets it on with girls. hearing from your gossip-gripped friends that ellie had fucked a handful of girls in your school had surprised you. you were brutally naive, so preoccupied with seeming good in the eyes of the Lord that you weren’t aware that something like that could happen. this had only made you want to stay away from ellie even more.

you were quiet, so timid and meek that you believed yourself lucky to actually have friends. your quietness allowed ellie not to notice you, not even be aware of your existence despite you two being in a lot of the same classes. you didn’t mind — in fact, you were glad. relieved, even.

that is, until the school’s annual sports day.

it was a scorching hot day in the middle of june and many of the girls were excited. not particularly because of the sports but because every time, the neighbouring all boys school would join yours. a classic boys versus girls. you didn’t really care whether the boys were here or not, as opposed to your friends who were all bashful and red-faced. you found it understandable considering they’re sheltered away from them most of the time. bless them.

you and your friends were leaning against the fence of the tennis court. you were so hot that your t-shirt stuck to the small of your back, little baby hairs glued to your forehead. bored from all the boy-talk, your eyes decided to drift to a certain auburn-haired girl: manspreading on the bench right across from you. you wondered how a woman could sit so unladylike.

ellie was out of breath, probably from doing a running activity. there was visible sweat gleaming on the corner of her forehead and her cheeks were pink. god knows why, but you allowed yourself to prolong your stare. you watched as ellie grabbed her water bottle, gulping down desperate sips; some of the water spilling and dripping down her slender neck. you watched as the skin on her neck bobbed as she sipped, heard as she panted breathlessly like a dog. you felt the skin on your cheeks begin to prickle, and you suddenly found it hard to breathe. when her pale green eyes caught yours, you immediately looked away, turning your attention back to your friends. that was the first time you two had ever made eye contact.

a moment later, it was your group’s turn to play tennis. ellie remained perched on the bench, and as you waited in the queue to have a go on batting the ball, you happened to be quite near her. you tried your very best to play it cool. ellie paid no attention, spaced-out and obviously too lazy to participate in the activities.

there were also boys in the queue, right behind you, which had got your girls in a frenzy. one of your friends decided to push you against them. “oops” she would say before purposely bumping you towards them again and again. you were awkward and uncomfortable, but you had played it off and giggled, acting as if it was funny. at a point, she accidentally pushed you too hard which made you lose your balance; stumbling on your heel and falling backwards. right onto ellie’s lap. yep! her lap.

“woah?” ellie said, caught off guard. “oh shit. go. go!” your so-called friends murmured as they scrambled off, leaving you completely and utterly humiliated. you immediately bolted off her lap as you turned around to look at her.

“i’m really sorry. that was— i mean, my f-friends were…” you began to ramble, feeling your whole body turn hot. ellie’s lips cracked up into an amused grin.

“it’s chill. not very often you get a cute girl sitting on your lap for less than a second.” she chuckled. you blushed immensely, before rapidly nodding and speeding away.

if only your little innocent self knew how quick things would change…

a/n: hooked? read pt 2 here!

[apocalypseornaw]

In Every Life

"Dean!" You squealed laughing and dodging the water balloons your husband and daughter were pelting you and your son with. It was a warmer night and summer so the two of you had decided to let the twins stay up late, complete with setting a projector up in the backyard to watch a movie.

Everything was calm while you and Henry watched the movie, it was a shared favorite but you should've known they were up to something when Dean and Ellie snuck into the house. A few moments later you heard Dean call your name right before a water balloon exploded between you and Henry.

Turns out Dean had filled a bucket with water balloons and a few dozen small water guns were hid around the yard. Pretty soon Sam and Jess had heard the laughter from next door so the two of them, Lexie and Eric had joined as well.

The playing field was even enough, dads and daughters versus moms and sons. You were soaked to the bone but laughing hard enough you had tears forming in your eyes, especially when Sam slid down in the mud.

Once the water balloons were gone and the guns empty Jess rounded the kids up "C'mon all you little Winchesters. Go get dry and pjs on. I'll go hit the pantry for smores supplies"

Once the two of you were alone you turned to look at Dean and he grinned before pulling you into his arms "Sweetheart, I'm not gonna lie you look like the most beautiful drowned sewer rat I've ever seen" you slapped his chest playfully "And yet you're the one who fell in love with this sewer rat" "How could I not?" He replied before pulling you into a kiss.

"See what you needed to in this world?" Bobby asked from where he stood behind Dean. He nodded "She really does choose me in every life" Bobby stepped up to put a hand on the younger man's shoulder "I told you that. That girl would choose you over anyone. Sam will take care of her in your world until she makes it to your side but she'll never stop loving you. The two of you were made for each other. Some worlds you get your happy ending, some worlds it ends big and bloody but she's always at your side no matter the world"

Dean felt an ache in his chest, remembering how sad your eyes were that day but he hoped you'd live a long time before joining him. Then the two of you wouldn't be separated again.

[raviposting]

Something I really appreciate for Bill and Frank is how much we see that they both needed each other to survive.

There’s the obvious, in that Frank saved Bill’s life, and likewise. But Bill had kept that entire town protected for him and Frank - and eventually, Joel and Tess whenever they needed it. He had those safeguards in place, he listened to Joel, he had all those reinforcements and it’s important that what Bill did kept him and Frank alive all those years.

And Frank, likewise, gave Bill survival in a different way. He stayed there, he planted the strawberries, he opened up the stores that didn’t need to be restored, he gave Bill friends. Friends who loved Bill and who he loved back, even if they didn’t always want to admit it to each other. It’s just. They both had almost 20 years together, in their horrible world we saw an episode of these two finding love and keeping it, through the good days and the bad, and when it was their time to go, they faced it and went in their own terms in a world that doesn’t allow that for most of their characters. And when they go, it’s not their bodies that we ever see, it’s the open window they kept open. It’s the life they lived, together. It’s the life and materials they left behind for other people to live off of.

It’s so beautiful, also, seeing how Bill kind of passes this on to Joel and Ellie in a way (I even think under keeping Tess safe, there’s a section we didn’t see read about whoever else Joel will see in his life?) even though he didn’t know Joel would be there with Ellie. While their love is different with a father/daughter relationship versus the romantic love of Bill/Frank, Bill and Joel are so similar, men who were just trying to survive and get through each day until they found that person who became their purpose, who they loved with all their heart. And they both need each other, they both need to survive with each other, but in different ways. Because what we’ll see with Joel & Ellie is what we saw with Bill & Frank. Bill helped Frank survive, and Frank helped Bill live.

[palestinegenocide]

Losing the Prophetic

Marc H. Ellis

This week Jewish theologian Marc H. Ellis died at the age of 71 following an extended illness. Marc’s work strived to define a Jewish theology of liberation. His writing and speaking over several decades influenced a countless number of people all over the world, myself included.

We were very lucky to have Marc as a writer at Mondoweiss for several years where he wrote a column called Exile and the Prophetic. That name speaks to a great theme of Marc’s work: the battle between Empire and the prophetic within contemporary Jewish life.

For Marc, the prophetic, or the challenge to power, was the true meaning of Judaism. This is a topic he and I would debate. His belief in a Jewish particularity versus my admittedly secular belief in the universality of the call to justice (which in truth he would never deny). And yet, he would insist that it was this prophetic imperative that Jews are uniquely called to wrestle with, especially in the present age with the advent and domination of Zionism. In his first column for us he wrote, “The prophetic is our indigenous. It is exploding right before our eyes.” This is the story he told through the decades of his work.

To Marc, the true core of Judaism was being sacrificed at the altar of Zionism, or as he often called it Constantinian Judaism, the toxic marriage of religion with state power. If you ever saw him speak or read his writing you are likely familiar with the vision he would recount of imagining an Apache helicopter gunship flying out of a Torah ark during a sabbath service. As you can imagine his work is more relevant today than ever.

There is one article of his that we published more than 10 years ago that I’ve thought about often over the last 8 months of the Gaza genocide. In that article, titled “Burning Children,” Marc returned to one of the great themes of his work – how American Jewish life and theology has been shaped by the experience of the Nazi Holocaust and the challenge that Jewish oppression in Palestine presents to this worldview. In the article he references Rabbi Irving Greenberg who helped shape post-Holocaust Jewish theology in the U.S. and writes:

It was in a 1974 essay that Rabbi Greenberg first wrote about the burning children of the Holocaust as a challenge for the Jewish future. I have quoted this passage often: “After the Holocaust, no statement, theological or otherwise, should be made that is not credible in the presence of the burning children.” Rabbi Greenberg’s invocation of burning children came to life in a different way for me when I visited Palestinian hospitals during the first Palestinian Uprising in 1988 and 1989. There I saw Palestinians of all ages but mostly teenagers who had been shot by Israel’s “rubber” bullets. Some were struggling for life. Others were already brain dead. I visited with the parents and siblings of the injured. Above the beds were martyr photos of the children framed by kefiyas. After I left the hospitals, I wrote a poem about my experience. I used Rabbi Greenberg’s haunting word about burning children to express my experience in the hospitals. In the poem I asked if these Palestinian children weren’t, like the children of the Holocaust, burning too. I felt the Palestinian children I saw were in many ways “our” children. We share a common humanity as starters but for Jews I knew that their “burning” was our responsibility. Though unintended by Rabbi Greenberg, his Holocaust statement has broadened to include Palestinians who are “burning,” this time at the hands of Jews. What theological statement can we make about God that makes sense to the burning children of the Holocaust – and Palestine?”

And he ended the article, written in 2014:

Chastened by history, indeed, Jews are – by the Holocaust and now by Palestine. For in Gaza right now children are burning everywhere.

I thought about Marc often this past week as we published, and imagined the discussions we would have had. How can one not mourn and rage at the unimaginable crime of burning children after reading Reem Hamadaqa’s devastating recounting of the Israeli attack that killed 14 members of her family, or in the essential reporting Tareq Hajjaj shared from the massacre in Nuseirat refugee camp. In that report, 11-year old Tawfiq Abu Youssef told Mondoweiss, “I stayed under the rubble for hours. I did not think for a moment that I might survive and see life again. I had lived through death enough while I was under the rubble. That was death.” I imagine Marc would summon these stories to demonstrate the fight against empire remains central which is why the repression we face, even in the U.S. continues to deepen.

He would also be the first to point out that the prophetic, even if weakened, refuses to submit. I know he would have responded vigorously to Anna Rajagopal’s searing indictment of the discourse over “Jewish values,” and despite the Jewish community’s overwhelming embrace of “Empire Judaism” he would raise up those charting a different path forward.

One moment I will never forget with Marc was a conversation he and I had years ago, as I was editing one of his articles. He told me, whether we knew it or not, our work at Mondoweiss was documenting the end of Jewish ethical history. I was struck then at the power of the statement and remain so today. As I reflect on Marc’s passing this is not a responsibility I take lightly.

Marc will be missed deeply and yet it has never been more clear that his legacy and work will live on. As Marc would likely say, the prophetic cannot die. In fact, Marc told us as much in his own words, “The Jewish prophetic will survive; it will continue to accompany and haunt those Jews who enable and perpetuate injustice against Palestinians.”

[cadwhatalad]

Other people have probably said this sooner and better, but I’m actually not done thinking about Everything Everywhere All At Once because the googly eyes represent on such a physical level the movie’s theme of radical empathy; not just in serving as the visual inverse of the Nihilism Bagel, but in that their presence literally inverts the concept of nihilism.

Does anyone else remember that Lindsey Ellis video essay from years ago where she talked about how aliens in sci fi movies are designed, and that by and large if the audience is supposed to empathise with them as characters then they’ll have big eyes with visible irises and pupils? And if they’re supposed to be unknowable and dangerous then they may not have visible eyes at all? Think E.T versus the Xenomorph or the heptapods from Arrival. Artists will do that because the eyes are the most direct way humans have of looking at a thing and understanding what it is. The more visible and mammal-like the eyes, the more familiarity we have with it, therefore the greater our empathy for it. Think of the amount of love your average person on the street will have for a random dog versus a random fly or snake or bird. Not to say that we can’t have empathy for the latter, but eyes make it easier.

In the movie, the first thing we see of the googly eyes is stuck on one of the bags of clothes Waymond stored upstairs – just in passing, he says something like “I think they’re happier up there!” while Evelyn’s shouting at him. She rips the eyes off and tells him to stop, keeps rushing around and ignoring Joy (ignoring joy, lmao). But they keep trickling back into the movie at every turn, stuck to washing machines and baseball bats, filling the world with friendly faces. Waymond, in a world that treats people like objects, treats objects like people, and he manifests it by giving them eyes. At one point he’s stuck them on a lampshade or something, shares a glance with it when he notices Evelyn’s noticed him and runs off like they’re conspiring together. When Evelyn finally comes around to his point of view, she sticks them on herself as a rock – this outermost physical form where she and Joy have un-personed themselves to the greatest extent they can manage, just rocks in an empty universe of rocks – and uses them to drag them both back into personhood.

And it works so well as a metaphor because the fundamental antagonistic force in the story is the refusal to empathise – Evelyn’s dismissal of Joy’s life choices and the partner she’s chosen, Alpha Evelyn’s literal use of Joy as an experiment, Gong Gong’s unwillingness to be proud of his daughter, Evelyn’s own refusal to be proud of herself. In the tax audit Deirdre is listing all of Evelyn’s business expense claims with reference to what they would make her as a person – ‘You’re telling me you’re a singer, a chef, a teacher, a novelist, well that can’t be right because you’re just a laundromat owner.’ The system she represents only has space for Evelyn to be one thing, denies her her complexity and humanity, so Deirdre acting as the arm of that system inevitably has to do the same (this is how her universe has to work, because it’s the one where she has a modicum of power and doesn’t have to think about driving her car through her ex’s kitchen).

And so it creates a feedback loop – Deirdre can’t acknowledge Evelyn’s humanity so Evelyn can’t acknowledge Deirdre’s. She can barely manage to love this person when her life literally depends on it. It’s only through Waymond’s approach of convincing Deirdre to confront the fact that he and Evelyn are people, the fact of what it really means for her to be coming after their livelihood like this, that a new feedback loop can be created. Deirdre can now acknowledge Evelyn’s humanity and give her a fucking break. Evelyn can acknowledge Deirdre’s and glimpse universes where they choose each other, spend their lives together.

(The cookies Waymond gives to Deirdre that initially persuade her to allow them a second chance have smiley faces on them).

The movie’s ultimate message is pretty clear – fuck nihilism, maybe nothing matters but also everything matters because I’m here and you’re here and I love you. But it doesn’t stop there. Fuck nihilism, maybe nothing matters but also everything matters because I’m here and this lampshade is here and I love it. I love this washing machine, this baseball bat, this bag of laundry. If I was a rock I would love all the other rocks with everything in my little rock soul. It’s can’t end at loving ourselves and loving each other, we’ve got to love the universe. On like, a molecular level. 

[almondamaretto]

about me !!

hi, i'm eloise ! my birthday is february 14th, and i am indigneous. my pronouns are she/her and i am unlabeled.

i have been a fan of the triplets since winter 2021, and i was one of the very lucky people to meet them on the versus tour ! theyre genuinely the nicest ever

masterlist

some info..

i was born and rasied on a peach farm in eastern tennessee ! guess my favorite food

when i was 16 i moved to massachusetts, aka the best decision of my life ! lol !

i like to go by ellie or loey !

i am a 2nd generation stoner n my favorite smoking buddy is my little brother. by little i mean 13 months younger than me oops

some of my favorite artists are SZA, fleetwood mac, sublime, brent faiyaz, the weeknd, beabadoobee, deftones, frank ocean, and mac miller !

some of my favorite shows/movies are rick and morty, handmaids tale, the walking dead, ed edd and eddy, sleepy hollow, the princess and the frog, the scream franchise or any slasher film, gravity falls, adventure time, and pretty much any spider-man film !

more !!

i am indubitably a matt girl !! 😋😋

i love meeting new people and talking to people ! if you would ever like to reach out and make friends with me please do !! 🩷🩷

i will definitely be writing on here, mainly for matt and chris, but for nick x bsf as well.

rules

dont be a bad person. and thats that. no bullying of any kind; no racism, homophobia, ableism, pedophillia, etc; and no hate of any kind will be tolerated.

if you intentionally being negativity into a safe space, take a reality check pls.

i only write for the sturniolo triplets rn ! i may expand later on, but for now just the triplets.

i am up to write anything; fluff, angst, smut. but please keep in mind my experience in writing smut is currently very limited !!

regarding requests...

i am always open for requests ! writer's block is something i know all to well, and i love to hear other people’s ideas !

however, requests asking for gross shit (incest, rape, piss/shit, etc) will be ignored/heavily judged !! ☺️☺️

please please have an amazing day !!

[accirax]

Disventure Camp All Stars Power Ranking (Round 14)

With last episode's elimination weighing heavy upon us, I'm at a bit of a loss as to what will happen next. Still, I have to stick to it, and hope I'll be luckier with this week's upcoming ranking.

In case you haven't seen my previous power rankings, the Power Ranking Format is essentially a way of ranking how well each player is doing in the game. So, in essence, this is a long form way of predicting who I think will be eliminated from the competition in the next episode. There will be spoilers for last week's episode (obviously) and its power ranking, so make sure to read that first if you don't want to be spoiled on how I ranked our last boot. If you want more clarification on the rules, that first post will help you out as well. Furthermore, I'm going to be spoiling the preview for next episode, so if you want to go in TOTALLY blind, save this for later. Let's go!

Recap - Gabby's Elimination

Current Score: 61 acquired/90 total

(Points versus @venus-is-thinking: 12 acquired/17 total)

Oh boy.

Look, I already rambled about how weird it is that Gabby was eliminated in this manner in my initial thoughts, so I won't waste my time writing the whole thing out again. It is true that Gabby already had a pretty complete character arc (going from insecurely relying on Ellie 100% to being afraid of what would happen when she was alone to overcoming her intrusive thoughts), so I can understand why the writers thought it would be okay to get rid of her now. I-- and I think a lot of others-- aren't so much upset with Gabby being eliminated as with the fashion in which it was done. Certainly for these power rankings, throwing in an elimination without voting was not something that I'd accounted for.

Thankfully I did well enough on Yul's elimination that how poorly I did with Gabby kinda got canceled out. Although, it also means that I wasn't able to reap the benefits of getting a 9/9 last week, and am now back in the 70% accuracy zone, though. Sigh. I fear that it won't get any better from here.

Let's just hope that there's an ACTUAL VOTE THIS WEEK HAHAHAHAHAHA (/lh)

Trailer Analysis

Ally pulling herself up into this tree and then Grett seeing a leaf falling from above makes me think that Ally might hide in a tree to spy on people, and Grett might spot her doing it. Embrace that Spy Nest, Ally.

EMILY???? MAYBE?????? Idk, I just miss her so much and I want her to come back.

Idol hunting, maybe? Or trying to spook people into thinking there's an idol to be found?

I assume this is actually Derek trying to check up on Trevor/see if he's okay, he's just doing it in his own Derek way.

It even seems like Trevor and Derek might both be serving as challenge tester interns for this challenge, which would add to the reading that Derek wants to make amends with Trevor.

Friendship! :D Death flag? D:

I hope that this is Jake telling Connor to get his head in the game instead of just yelling at him for no reason. If you're angry at him for being mopey, you're being a bit of a hypocrite, Jake.

Okay yeah, more treevidence.

This is a pretty standard strength-based Survivor challenge. Although, much like the balls challenge, this was also one that was discontinued for injuring the real life contestants too much. It's interesting to note that, for some reason, Connor's light turns red instead of being blue at some point in the challenge. It could just be an indicator that he makes it farther into the challenge (he's shown with eight bags instead of four). However, it could also be some sort of penalty, including one that starts at the beginning of the challenge.

To quote Venus, "IT'S THE BREAK CONNOR'S LEGS CHALLENGE???"

"I'm starting to feel like myself again~!"

This is presumably about Grett returning to her more villainous ways. Ironic, considering that she's just left the villains alliance, or at the very least it's less powerful now than it's ever been. I guess Yul and Gabby were both keeping Grett in check, in their own ways. Still, I missed s1 Grett, so hopefully we can get a bit of that flavor back in this end stretch. Also, this is the only scene we see with sunset lighting. That means that this scene is definitely the last chronological scene to appear in the trailer, and probably from after the challenge is over.

Power Ranking

#1: Grett

Speaking of Grett, let's keep talking about her.

Although I think Grett is in a much less safe position than she was before Yul or Gabby's elimination, I would still be surprised if she was the next to go. Obviously, I said that about Gabby too, but Gabby's elimination also strengthens Grett's position. Would they really eliminate Yul and Gabby AND Grett back to back to back? I sincerely hope not.

There also seems to be a lot of foreshadowing that Grett will be in a position of power/decision making in this episode. Last time, she said that she wouldn't forget that Alec and Riya continued to stand by Yul, and this time, she's clearly getting up to some sort of scheming. Obviously, it's possible for a character's own meddling to wind up taking them out in the end. However, I don't think that's what they'd want to do with Grett right now. She doesn't need to have what power she's finally managed to accrue swept out from underneath her again.

Oh, and she just told Gabby that she'd kick ass in the competition for her. That's not something you say right before getting cancelled yourself. Grett really should be okay.

#2: Jake

And, sure, why don't we put my other best winner candidate in the #2 position as well? If I think these guys could make the finale (together, even), then surely they have to make it past this episode, right?

I am a little bit worried for Jake, as there is definitely potential for Ally to shoot some votes his way. I'm almost expecting him to get some votes this episode, I just don't think it'll be enough to have any effect on him. Given his growing relationships with Aiden and Connor, I don't think that either of them would really ever vote for Jake at this point. That means, that, assuming all three of them vote together, Jake would need literally every single person in the game-- Alec, Riya, Grett, and Ally-- to vote for him in order to have a majority. Like I said, I am a little worried that that could happen, but overall, I don't think it will.

Despite the level of focus Jake has gotten this season, I still feel like there's more to come with him. I think the writers might want to expand more on his relationship with Connor, with both of them feeling like screw-ups, and Aiden and Jake's newly friendly dynamic is super fun to watch. In either case, as is probably evident by the fact that we haven't seen Connor or Aiden on this list yet, I think that Jake is the least narratively expendable of the true heroes. If you removed him, Aiden and Connor don't have much tying them together. Jake is the lynchpin of that alliance from a storytelling standpoint, and I think they'll want to keep him around for that reason.

#3: Connor

Okay, potentially a bold choice, given how many death flags Connor was throwing up at the end of last episode. You can't just spill your entire backstory in a heartfelt conversation, dude, you're gonna die. And now he's in the #3 spot that's been cursed by Gabby?! Now I'm really second guessing myself...

I do think that Connor's clock might not have ticked its final tock yet, though. Despite the fact that I honestly think it's more likely that he's been impaired (probably by Riya) in this challenge than that they spoiled that he makes it to some sort of second round, I still think Connor might win. Sure, in the superhero challenge, he wanted super strength; it's not that he had it already. But, who else is supposed to win this challenge? Twink 1 or 2? The gamer girl, or the depressed bookworm? Riya's snappable-looking arms?

My money's on Grett if not Connor, but I think that Connor winning immunity this episode would be an appropriate level of win for him after the rough time he went through last episode. It would prove to him that he can be strong and have good things happen for him, even if the circumstances are actively stacked against him. Jake's supposed pep talk could also help get him in the proper mood, which could bring the two of them closer together.

It's also still true that I think that Aiden, Jake, and Connor is still the voting block that's most likely to work together in the upcoming vote, making it harder for the villains to get enough numbers to eliminate Connor. I could definitely see Riya and possibly Alec wanting to continue targeting him, and if Ally has become Riya's lackey, she could go along with it too. Grett, I don't really see, but... I can't deny it's a possibility.

Still, I find it unlikely enough that Connor will be immediately eliminated that he's at #3. Ugh, now I totally feel like I've jinxed it, and it will just be that Connor goes home again. C'est la vie, I guess. Use that old man strength to prosper, Connor!

#4: Aiden

Blah blah blah, Jake, Connor, and Aiden working together means that they're all less likely to be eliminated in this episode, you've heard it twice before immediately prior to this. I do think that Aiden is probably the most likely of the trio to be eliminated this episode, though, even if I can't exactly put my finger on why.

Part of it is probably that Aiden was a finalist before, which makes me less likely to think that he will be again. Aiden also already beat Riya via James in s2, so there isn't as much of a need to have him outlive/triumph over her again this time. Also, while we've debatably concluded Connor's character arc with that conversation at the end of last episode, it definitely feels like we're winding down on Aiden's content for the season. He's certainly made it far enough to appease James and Lake at this point, and that fist bump with Jake may be a signal that they are truly and undeniably friends at this point. If that's the case, why is Aiden still here?

To be honest, a big part of why I've put all of the heroes pretty high up this week is because of Grett's quote from the end of the trailer, the one about feeling like herself again. If Grett has started stirring up trouble, how is that supposed to result in Aiden going home? Or Jake or Connor, for that matter. Given that Ally has seemingly flipped over to the villains' side, Grett voting with them to take out a hero is, like, the default. What's so spicy about that? I mean, it's spicy that Ally is now voting with the villains, but that has nothing to do with Grett!

It is definitely possible that I'm overthinking things, and that continuing to work with the villains (but of her own volition instead of Yul's) is making Grett excited to be a bad guy again. If that's the case, I'll surely regret putting all of Jake, Connor, and Aiden in the upper echelons of the list. However, I feel like Grett is planning to scheme something beyond what's more obvious, and that it's more likely that she will turn on Alec and Riya to work with the hero boys instead. If that's true, then all of them really should be safe.

#5: Alec

Welcome back from the brink of death, Alec. Don't make me regret moving you back up.

Alec was taking an unprecedented number of Ls last episode, and I fear they may keep coming for him. But, if that's the case, it may actually make him less likely to go home. No longer having any power, Alec at least appears like much less of a threat. He is still a worry when it comes to physical challenges, but there's much more of an appearance, at least, that he could now be taken out whenever.

I also feel like taking him out right now would be a little random. Like, if you were gonna have him go out as a direct result of the kiss, it probably should have been last episode. The current timeline of events would be Alec kisses Riya, then the truth is revealed and there's a strain on their relationship, then Alec just waffles around for an episode or so before being eliminated. Why have that period of waffling around in? The same felt true of Ally, and then they picked her up for a new plotline and some continued relevance!

Everybody keeps reiterating to me in the comments that there desperately needs to be a true villain in the final three, and they'd never eliminate Alec before that point because they need him there to be a losing finalist. And, you know what? Fair. I don't know as much about how Total Drama works as I do about how Danganronpa works, so if that really is a rule that's written in stone, maybe I should start listening to the wise words of the more informed fans. I'm always a fan of messing with the rules to catch people off guard, and I personally would probably prefer a finale where I'm not already certain that one of the three finalists isn't going to win. (Like, let's be real, ONC knew to cut off the s2 finale part 1 at whether or not Aiden would be saved instead of whether James or Riya would win, because once James jumped off that cliff it was basically a foregone conclusion that he'd be the winner.) However, it's nice to have some villain representation in the finale as well, and maybe that still can be Alec.

#6: Riya

I don't have much specific to say about Riya, just, like... bad vibes.

I could completely see Grett's scheming be in an effort to get Riya out of the game. Currently, I think Riya reads as the biggest dog on campus, so if Grett is looking for her "game defining move" (to whatever extent that actually matters), it could totally make sense to target Riya. Now that Connor is moving towards moving on, all she has to do is say the word to Jake, Connor, and Aiden, and I'm sure they'd comply. The scheming would be to the extent that it's a blindside, and Riya doesn't realize that she lost hold on Grett to an extent that Grett would be looking to target her.

There's also the fact that Riya was a finalist before, and therefore may not be again. I maintain that if they're going to have a repeat finalist, it's more likely to be Riya than Aiden, but there's always the possibility that it's just neither of them and Aiden could be taken out later.

I really don't have much else to add. I think Riya could very easily be in danger this episode, and there isn't much depth to it. Leaving Alec to fend for himself could be an interesting turn of events as well, as he never competed in s1 without Fiore by his side, and his plan going into the season of focusing more on his social game would have totally backfired. I'm not fully convinced on Riya going home, but it seems like a likely enough outcome.

#7: Ally

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. To be clear, I'm talking about Ally's placement in the power rankings-- from first place to last place-- as opposed to the decline of her character. Even if she's choosing to act a bit more villainously, I haven't started to dislike her more, or particularly think that she's being written worse. I merely think that she's put herself in a pretty precarious position.

As I said earlier in this power ranking, I think that Grett is going to be a major player in this episode, and as such I think that those scenes depicting her and Ally in the tree will be Relevant. Basically, I wonder if Grett will stir up trouble by throwing Ally under the bus this episode. It won't be hard for Grett to convince Jake and Co. to take her out, and if she can convince Riya that Ally has been spying on her (while still pretending to be under Riya's wing), Riya and Alec might turn on her, too. The scheming, therefore, can be a plot to humiliate Riya by tricking her into voting out someone who genuinely wanted to work with her. And, with Grett now joining the heroes, Riya and Alec's days are totally numbered. It's a brilliant plan to pin all six votes on one person in a move that secretly swaps your major alliance and gives you lots of power... just like what I predicted Riya would do to Alec last episode. Mannnnn...

Anyways, if you're like me, you might be wondering what an Ally elimination would do in terms of Ally's character arc this episode. It is possible that there would be some issues with Ally's heart simply being broken by an elimination in ways the writers don't want. However, there are a few ways around it. The first is that Ally, already having learned that it's better to play as herself instead of who she thinks the audience will like, will be satisfied by her elimination as a result of her trying to play the game as she thought best. That's like, super unlikely to have happen, but it's not totally impossible.

The other is that Ally will be upset, freaking out over whether flipping to being a villain and then immediately being eliminated as one will have totally ruined her rapport with literally everyone. But, she'll be comforted either in this episode or in the eventual Loser's Motel episode. In the case of being comforted this episode, I could honestly see Grett being the one to do it. In season 1, Grett was eliminated after the villains turned on her, and then faced a lot of public backlash for her actions. It was tough, but she made it through. Ally should be proud of the game she's played, having made it this far, and not take it too harshly that she got outplayed.

The Loser's Motel option would probably include Hunter and/or Tess trying to cheer her up, with the added bonus that Ally could see what people really thought of her this season. If they actually thought that she was more funny/engaging/interesting this season, that could lift her spirits. It could also be a combination of both, where Grett gives her word of confidence now and social media finishes it out later.

The other point of conflict is Ally's relationship with Jake, which... uhhhh, I don't know. If Ally does go out here by Jake's hand, I don't think that their relationship will be at all salvaged. However, I also don't know if that's one of the goals of this season? They might just hate each other, and that's the end. I think the biggest issue with that is, if Jake wins, it might be a bit of a weird look to have your winner have a lot of animosity towards another fairly rootable character.

Should that convince me out of putting Ally down here? I don't know, maybe. But on these trajectories, how would Ally and Jake ever make up, even if they had the entire rest of the season to do it? Both of them being losing finalists? I don't know! So, Ally stays here for now.

Well, that's the power ranking for this week. Unlike either of the past two weeks-- despite how different their outcomes were-- I'm not confident at what I've put here at all. I'd put, like, everyone here other than Grett at like 5 or 6 if I could. Will that lack of confidence be unfounded in a brilliant result, or will I have swung for the fences and missed wildly again? Honestly, as long as there's a genuine vote out this episode, I'll be happy. I look forward to seeing what happens on Saturday.

[atthebell]

i think it's so interesting how often people write xenolinguistics/teratolinguistics (a word i just made up but feel like should already exist) fiction that involves non-human intelligent life having some kind of communication beyond language, that we have this notion that there must exist some way to engage with the thoughts and feelings of another person that goes beyond just communicating them to one another but actually feeling them oneself.

high language, as an example from lindsay ellis' noumena series, is based on the premise that surely if there is intelligent life beyond humans on planet earth, and that life is developed beyond our own, they must have evolved or discovered a way to engage with one another that is beyond human communication and language, or even alien language as well. and the amygdalines (particularly ampersand, since he is far more connected to humans than anyone else of his kind) view humans as lesser because of their inability to engage with this type of communication.

there's a few other first contact/monster stories that involve this idea, as well, and i find really interesting as an insight as to what people view as a limitation to human communication and language. we as humans want to know other people so badly, on such a deep level, that we're obsessed with the idea of a way to delve into one another's experiences without the clumsiness of language. which also imo serves as an analogy for how we view translation as clumsy, and also our understandings of the function of thought versus language. translation sometimes doesn't allow the exact or emotional or completely truthful conveyance of information (although discussion of this concept is heavily influenced by people's native tongues and what their fluency levels in other languages are), and that's an interesting idea to latch onto. and if we conceive of human thought as something beyond language, something that cannot be put into words, then we have to grapple with the idea that none of us truly understand one another unless we're able to experience one another's thoughts on a level that is only possible to conceive of in science fiction or fantasy.

[brighttears]

Adored

Joel Miller x f!reader

No physical description, no use of y/n

Summary: Joel has dedicated himself not to letting anyone in, but when he stumbles upon you right as he begins his trek to Wyoming, it’s a direct hit.

Warnings: violence

Word count: 3k

A/n: This is going to be part 1 of a continuing (slow burn) story!! Also: Tess is not present in this fic, maybe Ellie will come in later I’m not sure :/ 

–

The last 20 years have encrusted Joel in a layer of aloof distaste to most things in general, cut only with a developed taste for violence. In the first few years of it all he kept count of how many Infected he’d killed versus… the people like him. He let it torture him for a good few years until he didn’t have room to hold count anymore, pushed out of his mind by survival techniques, how many bullets he had left, and where his brother was at. 

By the time Tommy left him, that thick film of forced detachment had grown into its job armoring his heart. The slicing pain of his brother leaving caught him off guard, thinking he��d done a good job at shutting these things out. But the following days of ache exposed to him a new fear: it might never stop hurting. No matter what he did, he could not stop the pain– fuck a blade, a bullet, fuck being ripped apart by monsters, none of that compares to the way that loss burrows its way in; the only way past it has been to let the muscles of his heart grow around the barbs. 

In his second attempt after Tommy left, Joel drew his defense out, setting up the barricades much farther away from his heart. The only way to avoid being stabbed is not letting them get close enough. 

And over the next decade or so he continued to hone his skill, recoiling at any attempt of human connection. 

Distance became part of his personality–one of three traits, the others being brutality and persistence. And that's how he likes it; it’s as comfortable a spot he’s found in the diabolic rot of the world that’s buried him alive. 

Much to his dismay, it was proven to Joel again and again and again that nothing he does will be enough to safeguard his heart’s sanity.

Still, he’s kept up the act, hoping that one day–‘This time’,–the dam would hold. 

He can’t keep all of himself behind bars, though–his desires, even the dregs of hopes and dreams from his past life, though admittedly dimmed, have stayed earnestly true.

In any case, what Joel wants more than anything–more than food, sleep, shelter–is to be loved. 

No matter how much he tries to drown it out, he craves warmth, closeness, and–dare he even say the word–softness. And buried somewhere deep inside is a longing to be held. 

But he knows, in fact, he’s hammered it into his brain, that all of that is impossible. Teasing the idea as being a tangible goal would be a cruel joke. Daydreaming, even in only the most private of seconds, is a luxury he just can’t afford. 

Joel drags yearning as a ball and chain behind him.

The routine that the Boston QZ offered him has been a good tool to dull the pain though, because it consisted only of soul crushing activities such as burning bodies, shoveling shit, having nightmares, being on either side of an unfair bargain, violence, throwing back old, expensive pills with shitty, expensive liquor, and drowning in the adrenaline of a venture out into the open city every once in awhile, pursuing whatever came along with it without judgment. Along with all that, Joel assigned the purpose of his survival to finding Tommy. So, he kept himself pretty busy. 

Never busy enough, though, because he still found himself in empty spots wherein his mind would wander, walking straight into fantasy’s trap and the tearing pain of their jaws snapping him back into reality. He has yet to find a way to break free from his (confidentially) soft core.

But, again, Joel is, if nothing else at all, persistent.

Having said all that, when do things ever go the way he wants them to?

You caught him completely by surprise, both literally and figuratively–your first interaction being locking eyes, followed by you ducking as he instinctively raises his rifle and shoots the Infected seconds away from taking you down. What fucking instincts are these, though? Joel has no connection to you whatsoever, yet he just saved your life with barely a beat of hesitation. In any other situation, you would have been nothing more than an extra few seconds of cover to help him to escape. 

As soon as the body thuds on the ground you shoot back up, his and your eyes still wide in shock. In between the decision to bolt or thank him, you flinch, driven mostly by the confusion of why this stranger just saved your life. This moment of hesitation promptly bites you in the ass as you lose your footing and slip as soon as you move to flee. 

“FUCK,” you land chest first having succeded only in rotating back to the way you came, and immediately scurry onto your back, only to drop the ball once again when the worn down soles of your shoes won’t grip the concrete floor when you try pushing yourself away, leaving you sliding like a clawed cat on hardwood floor with another “FUCK.” 

As you struggle Joel lowers his gun and puts a hand up to try and signal that he means no harm (this motive, or lack thereof, again puzzling him just about as much as it does you).

“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” he reassures you with his southern drawl, “I’m not gonna hurt you.” Before he finishes that sentence you’ve pulled the pistol from your hip and aim it at his head, panting. 

“Why did you just do that?” you ask sternly.

“Do what?”

“Do that, fucking–shoot that thing? Why didn’t you just let it kill me?”

“I–I—I honestly don’t know, okay? Just put the gun down.”

You stay stationary, glaring at him and breathing heavily through your nose.

“Hey, I just saved your fuckin’ life. Put… the gun… down.”

“I didn’t fucking ask you to do that.” You retort.

“I know you didn’t, but you’re still alive, right? A ‘thank you’ would be nice. Look, if I wanted to kill you you’d be dead by now. Now put the gun down.”

“What do you want?”

“I want you to get that gun outta my goddamn face.”

You pause before telling him, “Put down the rifle.”

“Now why the fuck would I do that when you have a gun pointed at me?”

“Because I have a fucking gun pointed at you. Do it.”

Joel sighs through his nose, slowly lowering himself to place the rifle down then easing himself back to stand with his hands in the air.

“Ok, now can you please–”

“Kick it over.”

“Goddamnit.” Joel murmurs before he does what he’s told.

By the time he gets out “Now please–”, you’ve uncocked and lowered your gun, but keep it in your hands with your arms straight, ready to aim it right back at him if need be.

“What do you want?” You demand again.

“I don’t want anything, okay?”

“Then why did you do that?”

“Like I said, I don’t know. Honest.”

Your brows knit for a split second in confusion. “You ‘don’t know’?” You say almost mockingly.

“No, I don’t.” Joel is glaring right back at you now, not appreciating your tone.

Neither of you move for a good 30 seconds before Joel raises his eyebrows and shrugs his upraised hands, “Can I put my hands down or are you gonna shoot me?”

After a moment of consideration, you can’t see why that’s really necessary anymore, sigh and then nod lightly, tucking your gun back into the belt of your pants and getting to your feet. 

“Okay, so now what?” Joel asks, but loses interest in the answer now that he’s getting a proper look at you instead of focusing only on whether or not you’re about to shoot him. He curses the butterfly in his chest (the lone survivor after all these years of smothering these kinds of feelings) as his eyes slowly drag over you before coming back to your gaze. Then he argues over whether or not he saw that flicker in your eye and if it means what he thinks it might or if he’s fooling himself or maybe his mind has just finally snapped and he’s going insane. 

“Well, I’m going to go, and you’re not going to follow me.” you reply after a moment.

“Hey, wait,” Joel acts on a bewildering impulse calling out after you, but when you stop and turn back he can’t find anything to follow it up with, “um”ing to stall. 

“Where'r you from?” What the fuck am I doing?

“Why do you care?”

“I’m from the uh, Boston QZ.”

“What are you doing out here?”

“Probably ‘bout the same thing you’re tryna’ do.”

“And what’s that?”

“Survive.” That’s a corny ass fuckin’ answer. 

“I mean that is the general idea. Why are you out here though? Too boring in the QZ?”

“No…I'm trying to find my brother.” Joel, shut the fuck up. Why don’t you tell her your goddamn social security number while you’re at it? Shit, no one gives a fuck about social security numbers anymore you moro–

“Who’s your brother?”

“His name is Tommy,” Joel closes his eyes in inner frustration. Why are you still talking? “He’s in Wyoming.”

“Older or younger?”

“Younger.”

“Why isn’t he with you?”

“Long story.”

“Give me the short version.”

“Well, we got separated.”

“No shit.”

Joel huffs.

“He was with me since the beginning, outbreak day, y'know? We found some people, it worked for awhile. Then we ran into some Fireflies and one of them convinced him to join em'. N' Ive gotta go get him."

“Your brother’s a firefly?”

“Well, last I heard, no, not anymore.”

“How do you know he’s not dead?”

“Because I talked to him.” Joel lies.

“How?”

“Radio back in the QZ.” “They let you use a radio?”

“No, but I know a guy.” Joel finds himself again and adds, “You ask a lotta goddamn questions.” Your answer surprises him–“Fine. Ask me something.” 

“...Where are you from?”

“Narnia.” he breathes sharp out of his nose at your deadpan joke.

“What are you doing out here?”

“Surviving.” You remark, not as funny this time as Joel realizes your offer may have been empty. To make matters worse, he’s genuinely curious about you.

“Hey, I answered your questions.”

After looking at him for a few seconds, you cast your eyes to the ground, give him a small nod, and answer, “Honestly, I’m just wandering.” 

“Just wanderin’?”

“Yup.”

Well, do you want to come with me? “Yer alone?”

“Why?”

“Jesus, I told you, I don’t want anything from you. I’m not tryna’ hurt you. I’m just askin’.”

"Well I know what you're really asking, and I can handle myself." You cross your arms and puff out your chest. 

“Really? Cause last I saw I was the only thing stoppin’ you from gettin’ mauled by a mushroom.”

“Well–” The stranger before Joel pauses, blinks and bites her lip and drops her head, “thank you. For that,”

Joel swallows hard and is suddenly aware of his breathing. Is his heart beating faster than usual? Does his hair look alright? Shit. He feels like a middle schooler looking at the pertiest girl on the playground, which makes him feel like a fucking buffoon because he’s a fifty-something-year-old man staring at a stranger in an abandoned building with a fungus monster bleeding out behind her. It was as if he hadn’t seen a woman since before the world fell apart. Obviously, he’d seen plenty, but he’d never seen you. It’s not just looks, though; there’s something else. But what is it about you that has him so squirrely? 

All Joel knows is he doesn’t want you to slip through his fingers. And yes, his heart is beating a little faster than usual (and it would have slowed by now if it was from having a gun pointed at him–that becomes less exciting after a couple decades).

“…but it was a one time thing. I’ve managed to get along fine without anyone’s help–” “So you are alone.”

“–Fuck.” 

Joel stops a chuckle and catches you doing the same, a smile flashing across your face. That cockroach of a butterfly pipes back up and Joel tries to shut it up with a loud clearing of his throat. Then the line he’s been looking for pops into his head. 

“Well, you could obviously use more cover, and I could too.” He can’t get himself to look at you, like saying he might be able to use a little help is telling you he wets the bed every night, “It could have been me just now, you know.” he clears his throat again, “So, if you want to…” Stay with me “just, you know, have some extra cover, for a few days…” I can protect you “you can, y’know, come with me if you want.” Please.

Please? The word sounds foreign even just in his head. 

“Ok.” you suck in your bottom lip, looking him in the eyes while you consider the offer. You hate owing someone something and you fucking hate that you owe him now, and you tell yourself you’ll settle on sticking with this stupidly handsome, mysteriously captivating, puppy-dog eyed stranger who you swear is giving you a look that makes your heart skip a beat which is fucking stupid just until you’re out of debt. Plus, you only have one gun and see at least three on him. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Joel breathes, trying not to be distracted by the way you’re looking into his eyes, breaking the contact to cock his head to the right, towards the way out and onto the road.

Rich green ivy wraps around the trellis you walk under made from the network of iron rod bones from a large fallen chunk of building. All around you are the colossal ruins of the once immortal seeming city, blanketed in liberated nature which was a breathtaking sight years ago before it grew old and became equated with danger and death. Other than intermittent bird calls and your footsteps over glass it’s silent until you emerge out and onto the open highway. 

You’re the first to speak, sounding a little embarrassed, “You know, I'm not usually that… ungraceful.”

Joel finds himself once again mystified by his reaction, which is to say something to try to make you feel better—“Well, better than I could ever do.” He cringes at himself.

It stays quiet awhile more until you ask, “So you know where you’re going right? I mean you know which direction to go in?”

“Yeah, I know where to go. I wanna try to find a workin’ car, though. Faster.” Yeah, of course a car’ll be fuckin’ faster. Joel isn’t used to being so insecure since he’s had no reason to want to impress anyone with his social skills in… quite some time, but now he can’t quit kicking himself inside of his head. He takes a deep breath to try to calm the inner critique nagging in his ear. 

“You got gas?”

“...No. We’ll need that too.” Obviously, you fucking–Joel clears his throat loudly, twice. 

“So, you got food?” he asks you.

“Yup.” you want to lie, but it wouldn’t make much sense seeing that you’re traveling together, so you admit, “Some… a little.” In full truth, you’ve got half a granola bar. 

“Well once we get up to those cars we can see what we can find. What kinda weapons you got?”

You sniff and glance around, embarrassed and wanting to lie again. You don’t.

“Just the one uh, gun. I’ve got knives, though.” 

“How many?”

“Two. Okay, I’m not making a very good case for myself but I am very self sustaining.”

“Sure you are.” 

“Hey, fuck you man, you just met me.”

“Yeah, well you just met me and I saved your life and’ve got two guns on you.”

“Well, give me one then.”

He gives you a look that makes you chuckle, and his eyes linger on your smile.

After a couple hours of digging through a mile long mess of cars you eventually come across, you do in fact finally find one that works, then working together siphoning as much gas as you can from any cars with some drops still left in them. With the new extra room, you search through the mess gathering as many (non-expired, or at least not too long expired) items of food as you can, plus whatever else looks substantially useful, load up, and hit the road. 

Joel glances at you rooting through the car, flipping down the visors, rummaging in the glove box, then getting up to lean around and stick your hands into the pockets on the back of the seats (and Joel tries his darndest to keep his eyes–mostly–on the road instead of full on swiveling his head to check out your ass).

“Oh, what a fucking find!” You exclaim and bounce back into your seat. 

You ignore Joel when he tells you “Hey, put your seatbelt on.” and instead gleefully snap the cassette out of its case and into the player.

The song starts off slow and ambient and Joel doesn’t recognize it. 

You read it on his face and gasp, “You don’t know this song?” He tries to respond but can’t find anything. 

“Well, you are in for a treat.” 

"Put your seatbelt on."

Guitar and vocals roll in.

I don’t have to sell my soul

He’s already in me

I don’t need to sell my soul

He’s already in me

I wanna be adored

I wanna be adored

You’re all smiles and it’s distracting, but Joel can’t really tell you that to make you stop, but he also can’t really stop being distracted. He grips the wheel. 

I wanna be adored

The sun is setting and unfortunately for Joel, golden light casts onto your angelic face, your inviting neck, and down fantabulously past your collarbones. 

You adore me

Joel curses himself for the way you drip over his mind, and how he’s letting it happen. Hasn’t he been over this before? Will he never learn his fucking lesson? There isn’t room in him, in this world, for this desire that baits him ruthlessly. If he succumbs, what will become of him? Of you? 

If he submits, he’s sure it’ll be the death of you. It’ll be the death of him no doubt, but he can handle that. What he can’t fucking handle, no matter how any times he has, is losing someone else. He’s sure that if he loves you, you’ll die young. 

I wanna

I wanna 

I wanna be adored

Joel has poisoned his brain with pessimism and self hatred. He claims the excuse that he can’t help it; of course he feels this way. It’s always been his fault, it is his fault, it will always be his fault. 

I wanna

I wanna 

I wanna be adored

He barely knows you at all, just this morning he had no idea you existed. But god, what a meteor you are. And how much he wants to be loved by you.

I wanna

I wanna 

I gotta be adored

[talkingharrystyles]

Yes, Harry can have female friends. But you can see when his team is pushing something versus when he’s just out and about living life. No one made anything weird out of him being papped with his old childhood friends Ellis, the cafe thing with the woman in Paris barely made any noise apart from tiny corners in the fandom, the blonde woman from the back in London was just a blip. Not one!! saw him and Emma Corrin hang out in London outside of filming but she said they have hung out a lot of times and he watched their dog etc. yet there’s ZERO pics or sightings or whatever. NONE, niente, nulla, absolutely nothing. I know you all (not all but you know) wanna live in a bubble ans don’t wanna admit that EVERY celeb needs promo, no matter how famous he is but they do. For me it’s simple: he hates doing real promo and instead does this shit and the Loewe launch is probably just right around the corner with how much he is connecting to it recently compared to Gucci that he barely wears. Promo for Loewe is 100% in his contract so he does it with the female face of Loewe to get the maximum of attention for that brand! Simple but effective. He knows people are gagging for „boyfriendrry“ content

👀

[atlas-affogato]

Two Year Update

Alright, I'm a little off the exact two year mark, but life got in the way, so here's my update a few days late!

Two years ago I started writing for Jackie Chan Adventures, and last year I did a little update on the progress of my main work, so I thought it would be fun to do that again, with all of my projects. I think its fun to break it down, so hopefully you also find it interesting!

Click here for my published works

Main Work/Long Fic

My largest project by far is a multi part fanfic spanning 10 years that I have dubbed my "long fic" (because I have yet to fully settle on a title.) It centers Finn and his relationships with Chow and Ratso—along with his affair with Valmont—and chronicles the rise of The Dark Hand's power, into canon, and post canon. It takes a more grounded view of The Dark Hand and gang life and is in general much darker than canon.

Current progress as of September 13th 2024:

Parts of main work: 3

Works within series: 11

Total word count: 308,087

Main work: 295,671 Finn backstory: 7,288 Ratso fluff: 719 *spoiler title*: 1,247 Ratso and his dad: 399 Ratso high school: 528 Missing scene at bar: 810 Extra smut collection: 397 Jackie and Captain Black: 211 *spoiler title*: 273 Chow missing scene: 544

Document count: 28 and counting

I am currently: editing!

I have made it into the editing phase! Progress has been unfortunately slow due to how much more complicated editing is versus writing, along with fighting my ADHD to do the boring bits lol. I write out of order which means a large part of editing is de-tangling the clips and snippets I write and getting them in an order I'm satisfied with. But, it is a necessary evil, so I persevere.

I have started and continue to idly work on a host of ideas, cycling through them as inspiration strikes. Some of these I am more committed to than others, but I do hope to finish them all eventually.

works with a + are the ones I am focusing on at the moment. This is of course subject to change.

Multi-Chapter WIPs:

Pink Pony Club – Finn/Ratso, Explicit, Go Go Dancing au, 80s, word count: 3,763 + Unnamed Gas Station AU – Finn/Ratso, Explicit, Gas Station au, Modern au, word count: 10,564 + Accompanying gas station AU fic – Finn/Ratso, Teen, word count: 2,060 A Gangster's Guide to Child Rearing – Gen, Teen, Accidental Child Acquisition, word count: 10,281 Ellis and Hyde – Finn/Valmont, Chow/Ratso, Explicit, Hooker au, word count: 6,829 Sonata in D Minor K. 9 – Finn/Valmont, Explicit/Mature, Pianist au, Age Gap, word count: 754 *I need to do SO much research on this one. I don't know shit about piano Unnamed Rockstar AU – Finn/Ratso, Mature, Rockstar au, word count: 595 Unnamed High School AU – Finn/Ratso, Teen, High School au, word count: 1,760 Unnamed Wedding Modern AU – Finn/Ratso, Teen, Modern au, Meet Cute, Fake Dating, word count: 2,931 Unnamed Chat Message Fic – Finn/Ratso, Mature(?), AOL Messenger, Humor, 90s, word count: 1,080 Unnamed Smut fic – Finn/Chow, Explicit, trans!Finn, genital switch, word count: 539 Unnamed Smut fic – Chow/Finn/Ratso, Explicit, Getting Together, Bi Finn, word count: 1,859

One-Shots:

Unnamed Catboy Smut fic – Finn/Chow, Explicit, catboy!Chow, word count: 431 + Unnamed AU – Chow/Finn/Ratso, Teen, They Grew Up Together au, 80s, word count: 5,646 Water in my Lungs, Words on my Tongue – Chow/Finn/Ratso, Teen, Soulmates au, Character Study, word count: 3,176 Unnamed Aftercare fic – Finn/Ratso, Mature, aftercare, word count: 817 Unnamed Smut fic – Finn/Ratso, Explicit, handcuffs, word count: TBD Unnamed Truth Serum fic – Chow/Finn/Ratso, Mature, Truth Serum, Established Relationship, word count: 1,502 Unnamed Babysitting fic – Chow/Finn, General Audiences, Pre-Relationship, Babysitting, word count: 208 Real sweet, but I wish you were sober – Finn/Ratso, Teen, College au, Pining, word count: 4,470 Unnamed Cruising Gym fic – Chow/Finn, Explicit, Smut, Public Sex word count: TBD

I have a few more smut ideas, but I'm keeping those on the back burner until I finish more projects.

Kinktober

So, I know Kinktober is supposed to be a one month challenge and if you don't finish it then oh well, but...I am too attached to these prompts and ideas. I will keep working on them, and I will keep calling it Kinktober since that's what it started as, and I will post them when I can, no matter how long it takes.

This is the list I am currently working with, and most of these I have started, I just need to sit down and work on them. I am still mulling over ideas for the last two chapters, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Current word count across all unfinished prompts is sitting at: 15,364

Conclusion

Total projects: 23

Total individual works: 34

Works started: 32

Works to be started: 2

Kinktober prompts started: 21

Kinktober prompts to be started: 4

Kinktober prompts to be decided: 2

Grand total word count: 372,152

If you are wondering why the hell I start a million projects before finishing even one...I don't know what to tell you, I follow the inspiration. I enjoy writing, so I do what I find fun, even if it comes back to bite me in the ass later lol. I want to finish these ideas and get them out into the world, so I am going to work towards that goal, no matter how slow my progress may seem.

I have really been enjoying this fandom, my love and appreciation goes out to every single person here, all of you! Your art, meta posts, memes, fics, gif sets, videos, photo dumps, and likes and reblogs all mean the world to me and I'm grateful to be in such a nice community with such dedicated fans. I love yall! Thanks for reading!

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC REVIEW: Four Weekends and a Funeral by Ellie Palmer

3/5. Releases 8/6/24.

Vibes: health condition rep, losing the idea of the life you thought you had, 90s romcoms

Heat Index: 2/10

Alison's life changed forever upon the discovery that she carries the BRCA 1 gene, which makes her much more likely to develop breast cancer (as well as uterine and ovarian cancer). After having a preventative double mastectomy, she finds herself at the funeral of her ex-boyfriend, who died suddenly. Extra problem: his family didn't know about the breakup, which results in Alison going along with the confusion. Somewhat unintentionally! For the next four weekends, she'll have to pitch in on packing up Sam's apartment... with his grouchy best friend, Adam. Who doesn't buy her story one bit.

I... don't really know how to feel about this one. I'm giving it three stars in recognition of solid writing and representation of important issues. It plays with some fun 90s romcoms (While You Were Sleeping and Four Weddings and a Funeral obviously come to mind). But I found that it read a lot more like women's fiction than a romance. I see a lot of Emily Henry comparisons, and I do agree with them; and that's a good thing for Ellie Palmer! Unfortunately, I'm not an Emily Henry girl. So I'd recommend this to those who are, but for me... It's not quite right.

I will say though, to those interested--if you have medical or health anxiety, this may be somewhat triggering. Ellie Palmer is open about having the BRCA 1 gene, and this definitely reads as a personal book, which I appreciate.

This is also a closed door novel--nothing on the page, allusions otherwise. While I get it, and it's always every author's right to do whatever they need to do... A part of me feels like it could have been powerful to read Alison and Adam's experience together on the page. I think of a very different novel I read in which the heroine had a mastectomy (without reconstruction). You see sex on the page in that book, and I found it rather impactful.

But again, I feel, like that's totally up to Ellie, and I get why she wouldn't want to.

To reiterate--I think this would be a good fit for you if you like Emily Henry and enjoy a softer romance that's funny without taking away a serious edge. It was too much of an individual journey versus a romantic journey for me. But it will work for a lot of people.

Thanks to NetGalley and G.P. Putnam's Sons for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[bigskydreaming]

Welcome to Kalen Tries a Life Hack/Brain Hack, brought to you by....well, me.

So certain obvious things are obvious: I’ve been struggling for awhile, the whole being off my meds thing for months cuz of the Adderall shortage hit me HARD, and the number one thing I need to actually build and move forward and get out of eternal debt and accomplishing actual goals is a degree of stability.

I’m eternally grateful for every donation people have given me over the years and its literally kept me alive and off the streets at times. But ebegging sucks, nobody likes doing it, and its not sustainable.

Thing is, I’ve been talking about getting a steady patreon up and running forever but like, there’s always a reason why it doesn’t happen. Part of that is because of the basic nature of how things compound when you lack resources and have issues to address on multiple fronts. New problems demanding my time and attention constantly pop up while adding to stress and affecting my overall mental state and productivity. Part of that is the fact that I am my own worst enemy when in states of high stress, low meds, and minimal resources. 

I get caught in loops where I convince myself that the only way forward or to validate the help I’ve been given or asked is via some big grand production that of course never materializes because haha if I were in a state where I could reliably create the product I want on the timetable I need, most of my problems would take care of themselves. But also I have a tendency to try and pull a former life hack I used to rely on, the whole ‘when my executive dysfunction is particularly bad, use pressure and deadlines to try and force myself to produce’ which y’know....may have worked at previous points in my life but I was in very different places then and bottom line, it just flat out doesn’t work for me now, so it just ends up as overpromising and flaking out with no actual gains to show for it.

So I’m trying a different approach. I’m just putting it out there, this is what it is, and I’m starting small in complete opposition to my usual (and not working) attempts. I’ve opened up a discord for my fics and original projects and am listing the tiers of my patreon below. I’m following this up with complete rundowns of everything I have SOMETHING for, to some degree or another:

1) Teen Wolf fanfics

2) Original fantasy works 

3) Dick Grayson fanfics

4) Original sci-fi works

5) X-Men fanfics

6) Original superhero works (my original superhero universe, the Ellis Eighteen ‘verse) 

I’ll tackle the Teen Wolf stuff following this post, and then try and do the rest one day at a time. That’s the gist of the life hack: just going with the philosophy something is better than nothing. None of these do me any good just sitting on my computer and I’m flat out, literally just never going to reach a stable enough place where I AM just able to complete and release any of them in their complete form, the way I’d like, if I keep overshooting without ending any further along.

So I’m just gonna try building it one day at a time, growing it with the support of people who are interested enough in what there is now to want to see more and help me get more out there, until bit by bit I eventually reach actual completion on some of them.

Any and all of these can be followed up on in my discord server should any catch your eye enough to want to try just a trial’s month - with this next month being much the same for me, as I see how viable this is and how well I’m sticking to it, versus what changes I can make to make it more effective.

My blog isn’t going anywhere, the server is just entirely for fic and original projects and all things related to them, but my usual inanity will persist, I do want to try to get back to writing meta and stuff and being more active in my fandoms, hopefully once I get back on my meds and get a little more grounded.

My existing patterns of posting and interaction aren’t contingent on people donating or joining my discord - I don’t intend for much to change here. And I’m not saying like ‘from now on I’m only posting my writing to my discord’ or anything like that. Its literally just for people who want to help support me while I add to my existing content, are fine with or interested in more of my content even in incomplete stages, are interested in commissioning ‘writing time’ on specific projects of their choice while I do my writing directly in the server....and once I do have a new complete chapter of a fic or complete one-shot, etc....that’ll still get posted for anyone to read. Same as how I still intend to publish or self-publish original projects once they reach completion. 

Its like I said: I just can’t deliver completion in a timely, reliable fashion the way I want, as is, and I can’t make guarantees on when complete projects will materialize without it just ending up more empty promises. THIS I at least can deliver on, and use it to build to something bigger and more complete. *Shrugs* I’d rather get something out there than just continually shifting goalposts about when something will be out here.

SO!

All that said, below are the tiers I’m going with. I literally don’t even have the patreon itself made yet because a) I’ve used ‘I still have to make that’ as an excuse not to do this too many times so I literally just said fuck it and opened up a new post and started typing this instead, lol and b) Patreon does only pay out monthly and not going to lie, could really use donations in the meanwhile as I’m trying to get a new prescription appointment ($180 now thanks to my psychiatrist raising their rates, yay) for different ADHD meds since Adderall still isn’t reliably in stock and they won’t switch my prescription over to something I haven’t tried out yet without a new appointment (and those meds will likely be in the $50-$90 range). 

SO I literally am just posting this now, with my paypal and ko-fi links, but the discord itself is already up if anyone wants to just donate directly and ask for a direct discord link/invite and then I’ll add the link to the actual patreon as soon as its up, but also, if you go the donation route you can try this out and see if its worth it to you this month before actually signing up for the patreon or trying a different tier.

TIERS

1) $1 tier: No rewards offered, I've seen this done by other people who have regular platforms they create content on and don't charge anything so its like a completely opt-in "hey if you just like my blog and content in general, would like to see me be able to make a go of being a creator and support that in general because you think I come up with interesting stuff, this is super helpful and appreciated" thing. I know a lot of people don’t think $1 makes a difference, but literally just $1.39 buys a thing of pasta that can feed me for two days if need be, and a couple more bucks from someone else gets some sauce, lol. Trust me, if you’re ever like “I’d like to support him but only have an extra buck or two and don’t know if that would make a difference” - it does, and is still super appreciated!

2) $5 tier: As stated, I’ve set up a discord where anyone can start threads for literally any of my fanworks, Teen Wolf, Dick Grayson, and X-Men, and ask what I have available as is on that particular project, pick my brain about it, engage me on it in the hopes it leads to me dedicating my next writing session to it if I’m not already planning to write something else in specific, etc. This tier gives people access to it, so they can see the stuff I don't have published or released because its not finished yet, or I’ve written parts non-linearly, and there’s a specific scene they were hoping to see in the fic later on and wondered if that’s written yet, etc. Plus this is where I’ll do all my fanfic writing sessions when I am actively working on a new chapter or something, because I LIKE to write in real-time on things like discord (I used to write fic in a messenger app with Moukie. I didn’t even need them reading it or responding, just knowing someone was 'there' made it easier for me to write, just makes it easier to shut up and write or get the words to come). 

So I figure might as well try and make it a two-fer: for five bucks people can get access to stuff that might not be finished yet (or even ever) but still could be interesting or enjoyable to them, but also can read along as I work on stuff that I'm actively trying to update, even if I still end up with more to go in that chapter or fic and thus its not ready to update yet by the end of a writing session

3) $10 tier: Exact same thing as the $5 tier, which is also included with this one, but this one also gives access to the separate forum I’ve opened up for my various original projects I'm working on or at least started/got a sizable dent into even if they ended up discarded (at least for now). Again, this one is primarily for people who want to support me in general, free up time from constantly stressing about being able to afford food and meds and wasting so much time looking for more freelance opportunities or work - which basically doubles the amount of time I spend ‘working’ every day without anything to show for most of it. This allows for more writing time in general, but at least comes with something to show for it, and like, I figure anyone who genuinely thinks 'hey I think this guy can write/would buy his book' could find something to interest them in here, especially since it also includes the same 'read-along' option for my literal WIPs when I’m doing a writing session on one of them.

4) $15 tier: Both previous tiers are included, but with this tier people also get the option of picking a story from any of the fandom or original projects I have up on my server, and making it the focus of one of my writing sessions that month. They can do it either as a prompt "hey would like if you dedicated one of your writing sessions to working on this particular project this month, whenever that happens to be" or if they want, they can try and coordinate a time for that writing session, as in I’d go "these are the hours I typically do my writing these days, pick when you'd like to see me work on this story," either cuz they'd like to read along, or its earlier in the month, or like, they have that day off and thus its a good day for re-reading that project or maybe getting an update on it, etc. 

Typically, my writing sessions tend to be at least an hour, anywhere up to around six hours, so this tier guarantees that at least one hour of writing time that month would be focused on a particular project. But as much as I hop around between projects in general, I don't switch between projects in the same single writing session, so practically speaking, it would likely be more than just a single hour, and could even result in an entire chapter update on chaptered works. I just know I can guarantee the hour, whereas I can’t guarantee 'oh this will for sure be a five hour writing session' and thus I went somewhat higher than like, a wage for an hour's work, but not like, super high? As I figure its more likely to land somewhere in the middle, length of time-wise. But also, depending on how this actually goes this first month, I might end up adjusting my approach to this tier or the price level, etc.

5) $25 tier: This one includes all the same access and rewards provided by the lesser tiers as well, but with the additional reward that in addition to getting to set the agenda for one writing session that month, you get to also set that same project or a different one as a 'boosted priority' for the month. What this means is - in the interests of maximizing the gains of having people thwart my indecisiveness over what to work on, lol - whatever you pick here will go on a shortlist of projects that are my go-to's for the month, any time I have a writing session I don't already have a prompt for, or a personal desire to focus on a certain project. 

Basically, its a way of creating my short list of 'To Turn To In Case of Indecisiveness' any time I am being stalled by indecisiveness, rather than other external issues, and any 'prompted' writing sessions are already scheduled or used up. So this one comes with caveats....I want to make it clear that 'how much' people get out of this one is NOT something i can guarantee, as it'll depend on how many writing sessions I can squeeze in that month overall, whether or not I have a particular project that's on the brain enough that I'm going to it regularly, just based on my own choice/momentum, stuff like that. 

But the plus side of this one is if the $15 tier is of interest to people, and its worth it to get to be able to ask for several hours' worth of productivity/output on a particular story of mine.....this tier potentially replicates that same thing multiple times throughout a month and can lead to a lot of progress on a certain single story. So potentially, way more bang for your buck. It is more of a crapshoot, but worst case scenario, you're still likely to get at least two writing sessions geared towards a story you're interested in, for less than double the cost of your patronage of one writing session...but best case scenario, in a month where I don't have a ton of other pressing projects demanding my attention, this could keep me engaged with your project of choice regularly throughout the month, with the increased output to show for it. 

Either way, people are still likely to end up with way more output of their choice/liking due to this than they ever would have if I were just sitting in front of my computer playing 'how much time can I waste doing nothing productive while claiming its just cuz I need to Make The Right Choice of what project to be productive on.'

All that said:

I'm focusing just on time rather than length/word count at the moment just because mentally its a lot easier/less stressful for me to think 'oh I know for sure I can make sure they receive the time I guaranteed I'd focus/devote to this in exchange for their patronage' because its a lot easier for me to just show up and start writing than it is for me to look at a set length of fic I need to complete within a certain timeframe - as the latter is a lot more likely to suck me into one of my weird spirals where completion becomes the enemy of productivity.

Anyway.

I think that’s everything, thank you as always for hearing me out and your consideration even if you don’t end up giving this a whirl. No expectations here, I have no idea how well or not it might work out, but its something new to try because previous approaches just aren’t working but I’m not throwing in the towel, just.....reconfiguring for a new run at achieving some long-term stability and productivity. This at least is a lot more geared towards navigating around my particular issues with my ADHD and executive dysfunction and finding a way to hack them even when I’m not on meds. So, let this experiment begin I guess? LOL. The end.

My links:

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?country.x=US&locale.x=en_US

https://ko-fi.com/kalenp

And again, if you want to go ahead and give one of these tiers a try via a donation, you can hit me up directly for a discord invite, or if you prefer more anonymity/distance, you can just wait for the patreon with a more automated/streamlined process. You can also upgrade to a different tier later of course, and let me know if you have specific questions.

Thank you again!