#else* bc the guilt isn't there. you can pretend it's for THEM and not for you

[nymfaia-archive]

COLETTE HURTS MEEEEEE

[scoobysnakz]

Hard Luck

Chap iv

It’s hard finding love when your sole reason to live is your daughter, but when her best friends dad is annoyingly attractive and might have something to do with your rent randomly getting paid, who can blame you for being a little curious?

||* mostly fluff, Raya being an undiagnosed autistic child bc I'm plotting something evil, domestic Miguel if you squint, slightly pervy reader, mentions of oral reader receiving, reader being a silly fan-girl, cliff hanger bc why not.

Guilt. It's an overwhelming feeling that sits in the pit of his stomach in a way he's far too familiar with.

Miguel can name all the good and bad things about guilt. The way it allows you to be held accountable for your actions makes, your mind fray with culpability. How it can prevent someone- him- from doing something that will drive them- him- insane and remind them- him- that they have to have morals that keep them- him- grounded. Or else… or else.

There have been plenty of times Miguel has felt culpability and they have all been about something much more drastic than this. He's lost people, a family, so, so many versions of his family.

He needs to get this universe right. The thought of losing Gabi again makes his gut clench and that ticking in his jaw form again.

The first time it had happened, people had been upset for him, Peter had left him alone without being asked more than once and Jess was just the right amount of critical and loving. They were his guilt.

Then it happened again. And again. And again. And then people were becoming concerned for him, but the kind where they scolded and questioned him so he stopped telling people each time he found a universe he could live in. That first universe was the only one he destroyed he's made sure of that.

And yet he's feeling so intensely guilty for his stalker-like tendencies when he's done much worse.

He knows he shouldn't have followed you, waited for you to enter the shop and prayed to anyone above that your card would cancel. But he needed to get your number- for parental reasons of course. And now he has it.

“I can't do that again,” Miguel groans, hand sliding down his face as he slumps into his chair.

Lyla snickers at him, hands covering her face while her legs kick in the air. Miguel looks over at her, expression unamused.

“It was a complete betrayal of her trust,” his fingers drum on the smooth wood of his desk.

“Don’t think the two of you had a trusting relationship, considering you only just got her number.” her teasing earns her a wave of dismissal.

“I’m this close,” he holds his hand in the air, thumb and index finger millimetres away, “from replacing you.” His leg bounces up and down, jaw tightened and lips pursed.

She scoffs at him and waves a blurred-out finger at him before slumping down on his desk. “But if you replace me how will you watch your girlfriend?”

“You aren't funny. I was watching her because I needed… her daughter is Gabi’s friend I can't have her being some scumbag.” his tone is harsh, fed up, and irritated, but he can't bite back the grin that forms at her teasing.

“She isn't a scumbag…”

Lyla hums in feigned disagreement, her minute pixelated frame now perched on his shoulder as she smirks up at him.

“She’s nice… to me, and old people.”

He glances out the window, dark clouds threatening rain as they swarm the grey sky. He sighs and looks back over at Lyla. He came to this universe for Gabi.

But he can't stop himself from thinking back to the way you smelt. The faint coconut and the mellowness of your washing powder settled gently against his skin like a thin, taunting mist, teasing his stiffening cock.

He relishes the way you let him pull you near. How easily you submitted to the man who hasn't even had a proper conversation with you and pretended to be his partner- his wife. How you put up such a lazy fight against it that it felt almost playful. How your eyes softened the moment you saw him. How you allowed him to help you despite the embarrassment that followed it.

“When you’ve finished being hopeless lover boy,” Lyla chirps, “you might want to y’know be Spiderman.”

***

Miguel didn't expect his offer to go so well. He just assumed that being stuck with two nine-year-old girls for a few hours would be hell but it's surprisingly entertaining.

He knows Gabi inside and out, yet when she's with Raya she's different. And it doesn't feel forced.

The two of them spent ages trying to figure out a flavour because they obviously had to have the same one. They both ended up choosing chocolate, much to Miguel’s distaste. And then when Gabi wanted a sprinkle cone but Raya wanted a plain one they ended up getting tubs.

“It's because she's my best friend, papá,” Gabi had stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Which had made him chuckle.

“How was school?” he asks, feeling a little left out of the conversation.

Raya’d attention is immediately diverted towards him, wide eyes following each movement of his face. “It was fun,” she says quietly- shyly, making sure to swallow before speaking. It’s good table manners

“Papá, we’re talking!” Gabi whines with a pout, “Raya doesn't want to tell you about her day because you're boring.”

So he sits there, practically spilling out of the tiny metal chair, watching them laugh at him and whatever else makes girls their age giggle the way they are. He keeps a smile on his face and his phone on vibrate, waiting for you to reply to his text, or read it at least.

***

Your back arches with ecstasy, hips jolting upwards towards the source of your pleasure. You can feel your gummy walls clenching and when you look down to see what it is that's sliding inside your cunt, you’re met with the sight of the top of someone's head.

Thick, brown curls, all unfurled as you slide your fingers away. They look familiar in a way that makes you feel giddy.

Desperate to see who’s providing this bliss, you push their head away. You’re left with an achy, empty feeling as they pull their fingers out of you and drag their tongue off your puffy folds but you'll have to push past it. Maybe whine a little, but you'll manage.

You look down, brain too fuzzy with arousal to even process Miguel’s deep, chocolatey eyes gazing up at you. He's smiling boyishly, fangs poking over the tops of his perfectly formed, lips that are coated in a deliciously thick layer of your arousal.

“Can I keep going, Hermosa?” his velvety voice rumbles, sending chills down your spine.

Before you get a chance to beg for more than his skilled fingers and soft tongue, the sound of a traumatic radar sound blares and you’re forced awake.

You lie there for a moment, one hand lazily slung across your forehead while the other grips your mouth.

You can't tell if it's guilt or arousal but you can't think straight. All you know is that you just had a painfully realistic dream of a man you barely know eating you out. Part of you wishes it lasted longer but that's beside the point.

There's an uncomfortable slickness between your thighs and you're slightly tempted to do something about it but the constant ringing of your alarm reminds you that you do, in fact, have some form of common sense.

Ignoring the guilt that's swimming in your gut, you sit upright, legs dangling over the edge of the sofa. You sit there for a moment, trying to figure out if you should be feeling that guilt or if it's your brain’s fault. You settle for the latter.

Yawning, you pick up your phone, scanning for notifications you know aren't there. A few from the weather app, another from a period tracking app that says your ovulating (that explains the dream- hopefully) and then… a text from Miguel.

It's one of those texts that you don't know how to reply to, it's got a simple answer but that's rude and all of the emojis are far too informal for someone you have saved as ‘Gabi’s dad’

You stare at Miguel’s text. Let the letter jumble up and scramble into unintelligible blobs as your eyes start to sting with tears before you allow yourself to blink.

I’ve got the girls. Could you text me your address so I can drop Raya off later?

He’s got the girls and now he wants your address. That's the part that makes it so hard to reply.

You don't live in the nicest of areas, graffiti in the stairwell that you have to use because the lift stinks of piss, loud neighbours and a possibly dead cat stuffed into one of the bins at the entrance.

It's embarrassing.

Miguel’s a tailored man, with slicked-back hair and freshly ironed clothes. You contemplated lying about your address, tell him it's some random house, meet him outside before quickly running off with Raya to get the bus.

But you don't want her growing up ashamed of not having money. You can't have her becoming a pompous brat who whines about not getting things. Because that's not who is she now, nor will she ever be.

You tap the smooth glass of your phone screen over and over again with your thumb before forcing yourself to reply. And almost immediately you get a reply

‘👍’

You can't stop the smile that forms on your lips at how fast his response is, he was probably on his phone or coincidentally looking checking his notifications when you sent the text.

But now you have nothing to do. You couldn't pick up an extra shift because- thanks to your stupidity- you somehow forgot that you can't randomly change your hours as a carer. And apparently, you can't even sleep without being a pervert.

Sleep sounds nice though. Your eyes are heavy with countless nights of single-digited hours of sleep. It's pulling at your brain in a way that makes your thoughts fuzzy and your body slowly sinks back into the sofa again.

A loud thudding noise startles you from your sleep. It's repetitive and loud so your first instinct is to slam off your alarm but when you see a blank screen you divert your fatigued brain to the front door.

Completely forgetting about Raya being out with Miguel and Gabi, you pull the door open. You look a mess, mascara smudged and eyes heavier than the weights he probably lifts with those delicious arms…

“Mum,” Raya mumbles, her face buried in her chest as pulls you close.

You stumble back, fighting back a yawn, and nearly fall onto the sofa but Raya pulls you forward. “Hey, baby,” you smile down at her, laughing awkwardly at nearly making a complete fool of yourself.

You drag your gaze up to Miguel, his board shoulders filling out the doorway while his hand clutches onto Gabi’s.

“Miguel,” your voice is groggy but cute and it makes him feel safe on the inside, “Thank you for having her.” You go to playfully nudge Raya but she's no longer next to you, now shyly hidden behind you, clutching into your shirt.

“She has beautiful manners,” his voice is like velvet that's been melted by a log fire and poured on top of Valentine's chocolates.

He looks down at you, eyes briefly tearing away from you to discreetly inspect your apartment. It's cute, homely, you. Lots of blankets and cushions, picture frames dotted around, and a random coat stand that stands bare.

“Would you like to come in?” you offer, attempting to stifle another yawn, failing to succeed as pleasantly the last time.

Miguel opens his mouth, pretty lips parted so perfectly that your half-awake brain might just fall for him on the spot.

“Please, papá! Raya said she has a bunch of teddies!” Gabi pleads, her accent bearing a striking resemblance to Miguel’s.

Before he gets a chance to decline, she pushes past him and skips over to Raya. She grabs her hand and almost immediately her awkwardness melts away as they run into her room.

“Sorry, she's really-”

“Bold?” you offer, head cocked to the side.

“Yeah... Let's go with that version.”

The two of you share an awkwardly dry chuckle before you both look away.

“Coffee?” you break the silence.

“Would be nice,” he finishes for you.

Nervously, you lead him to your minute kitchen island, kicking random toys out of the way before he gets a chance to see them.

As he walks through your apartment, your home, Miguel can't help but feel at ease. It's messy but not in an unhygienic way, you can just tell it's lived in happily.

The waterrings on the countertops, a random bag of bouncy balls left on the floor for someone to trip on. Miguel can imagine himself here, not living, but staying.

Maybe his shoes lazily kicked off in a slobbish pile on the sofa, Gabi’s coat slung on the unused coat rack next to Raya’s and yours.

“Sorry it's a mess, I was going to tidy up but I got… sidetracked. But I promise it's not normally this messy, just today. Which is strangely coincidental but it really isn't. And-”

“It's nice in here,” he cuts you off as if he couldn't hear what you'd just said.

His small slither of praise makes you smile. That toothrottingly sweet smile that makes every fibre of his being burn with arousal.

“Thanks.”

You turn your back to him, searching for your coffee before you grab a small glass jar that has instant coffee in it.

“Fuck,” you grumble, “its empty. So… no coffee for us,” you laugh.

He shrugs his shoulders and takes the jar from you.

“Bin?” he asks.

“There,” you point, “left side is recyclable and right is the other stuff.”

He opens the bin and drops the jar, smiling in satisfaction as it lands with a soft third. He lifts his foot from the pedal before catching a glimpse of red. Curious, he presses down on the pedal again and reads the block writing.

EVICTION NOTICE

[blanche-elizabeth-devereaux]

Ayo , what's your headcanons for Arthur x Molly?

PLEASE!! oooh I have so many thoughts!! I love them in spite of everything (I have a very bad habit of falling in love with rarepairs 😩). these are canon timeline headcanons, but I kinda have separate modern au ones too lol

like most loves, theirs started out as a friendship.

they initially bonded over art - Molly with her poetry and Arthur with his drawings

it's also how they got to know each other (bc it's so much easier to be open up when talking isn't completely necessary)

it all started with them sitting quietly by the cliffs at Horseshoe Overlook when Molly asked him what he was drawing. Arthur was hesitant, but he told her it was a portrait of his mother, long passed. in an unspoken exchange of vulnerability, molly decided to share a poem she wrote while incredibly upset and homesick.

sometimes Arthur draws little illustrations for Molly's poems in the corner of her journal pages when she's not looking

(she puts up a front of being upset but they both know she loves it)

Molly! can! sing!! tho she's surprisingly shy about it, so she only allows Arthur to hear her when they're on the outskirts of camp

these are some of Arthur's favorite moments.

when he's nodding off against a tree to the sound of Molly's soft singing, for a brief moment he's allowed to imagine a different life (one where they're sitting on porch overlooking the sunset, with the horrors of the outlaw life far behind them and a simple one ahead).

they're always looking for reasons to spend time together! so Arthur offers to teach her his (admittedly limited) herbalist knowledge and they're always looking for excuses to go foraging together.

Molly may or may not have screamed the first, but Arthur was mostly able to stop himself from laughing)

with each moment they spend together, Molly forgets more and more about her feelings for Dutch

Hosea can see how Arthur & Molly are sweet on each other but still keeps it to himself, in spite of his guilt for not telling Dutch

it's nothing compared to the guilt and anger Arthur feels for wanting to run away with his mentor's lover

Mary-Beth is also able to see everything very clearly, but she finds it romantic rather than sordid (& she may or may not have started writing a story entirely based on them)

even though they know Molly's relationship with Dutch is fading, neither of them can bring themselves to act on anything

UNTIL!!!

until Arthur is kidnapped by the O'Driscolls.

Molly has never been more afraid in her entire life, not even when they were trapped in Colter and surrounded by death

once he's escaped and back in camp, Molly sneaks into Arthur's tent every night to sit by his side during his recovery, whether he's conscious or not

unfortunately for Molly, Dutch doesn't really notice her absence during this time.

everyone else around camp pretends not to hear the beautiful, almost whispered singing coming from inside

they share their first kiss almost immediately after Arthur wakes up for the first time in the quiet of his closed tent (his brush with death a painful reminder that what they have is so painfully temporary)

all in all I adore them please and thank you 😌

[viviennelamb]

What do you think is the goal behind women talking so much about "purity culture?" I try to avoid feminist discussion in general now but I occasionally see this topic brought up, and they usually equate loving purity/wanting to be pure with pedophilia or something similar ( I recently saw someone say "purity culture is rape culture.") I seriously doubt it would ever happen, but I like the idea of getting to be in an actually loving relationship with a women who values the same things as me. I don't seek it out becauce there's no point in doing that, it's more of a "it would be cool if this happened" thing. But when they say things like this, it makes me feel like I'm wrong or perverted for seeing purity as a positive trait in a partner.

These are my thoughts: I see grown women put on that fake mask of purity that's meant to attract men's attention (and sometimes women's bc I've seen lesbians have these kinks) towards them. One of the more obvious examples: the whole pink ribbon coquette "I'm an innocent little submissive bunny uWu" thing they do. And oc these women obviously adore pedophilia and want to roleplay having their innocence stolen again. They don't have it anymore so they have to play pretend to reach physical excitement, which is why these kinks exist in the first place. But then "purity culture" is blamed for these people finding purity sexually exciting, like it's some made-up concept, when that's literally what sex is- degrading someone else by using their body for a high. The more innocent someone is, the more degrading (aka exciting) the sex is for, therefore innocence is sexually beguiling to most people whether they admit it or not.

I've seen that the "sex-critical but not anti-sex" crowd hates people using different scenarios to act out degredation and referencing the predator/prey dymanic of sex through kink, bdsm, etc. But they think sex is fine as long as they don't overtly acknowledge that what they're doing is degrading or an exchange of power. Like an "out of sight, out of mind" thing. So they draw very random and rigid lines around what sex is okay and what sex isn't, and what isn't okay is anything that takes them out of the lovey-dovey lie they tell themselves and reminds them of what's really getting them off. To me there's something even more predatory about these people, because even if the kind of lust they engage in is less violent/extreme, they're incredibly manipulative about their intentions. Their whole shtick about sex being an "expression of love" is the most coercive thing ever.

Everyone in the world seeks to consume purity and people only ever encouraged purity as a temporary measure in one's goal of finding "the one." Like a virgin distribution system, it's about everyone getting to their fair share of innocence to taint, not about loving innocence itself. That is the real "purity culture", but instead of defending purity they think the solution to this problem is to just pretend purity is a made up concept. They decide to blame it all on a toxic ideology instead of being honest about reality, just like they do with every other problem in the world. Like if you simply decide to think about an action in a different way, that somehow changes the action being wrong. They decide that purity doesn't exist and that lust isn't harmful, which gives them the freedom to go about life feeding on innocence guilt-free, degrading themselves and others but believing they're morally superior than people who are more upfront about why they do what they do. I hope this makes sense and I'm not just writing in circles, I know why their logic is flawed in my head but I'm bad at piecing my thoughts together in a coherent way for others.

Also this is random but I had to share: The most hilarous thing I ever saw in my radfem tumblr days was a post telling you how to suck dick without it being patriarchal and degrading. As if you can take away the inherent degredation of stuffing one's face with some man's dick. It said to not kneel, to not stare up at him in the eyes like pornstars do, and to not go far back enough to gag. Sex pest logic: "It's natural and there's nothing wrong with it, just don't look him in the eye while you do it or it's degrading."

I've heard of the “purity is perversion” thing, and they're jealous. Women want to be attractive to everybody, even if they're not attracted to that individual, so they create think pieces on why they should be included in other people's dating pools, how beauty standards should change, etc. Now Twomen are engaging in the same behavior saying that you're a bigot if you're not attracted to them.

Even though 99.9% of people want an impure partner, they talk about purity way too often for it to not be an envy-based concern. Purity is the only trait that matters in a partner, everything else falls into place after that. If purity isn't the foundation for a relationship, that's when people get into these weird and oddly specific traits that don't really matter because they truth is they'd screw anything with a pulse. And they do.

When people fake like purity, they want the image of purity projected, but if you're actually pure, that makes them insecure and run for the hills because your standards are too high to live up to. And you won't fuck them, of course.

Sex-addicts also delude themselves into believing that “having sex through your heart” or “having sex with your brain” purifies their act, which is why they're so impressed with themselves when they speak like this. I can't believe I have to say this, but you can only have sex with your genitals. There's no purifying or romanticizing sex—it's for the painfully horrifying ordeal of self-sacrificial procreation. If people want to deny this, fine, but I don't want to hear them complain about rape and pedophilia. You don't get to justify sex for yourself, then criticize how other people have sex and who they have it with.

Most people are pedophiles. This goes much deeper than an orgasm, it's a state of consciousness, and it's the most evil form of it. The world isn't the way it is for no reason, the thoughts of the population materializes, which the news sheds a light on hourly. People think the news is cherry-picking to sow doom and gloom, but the news is actually very sanitized and is vastly underreporting on reality, saving airtime for the most deplorable cases.

If you want to find a genuine person, they won't have a reputation to uphold. People with reputations are manipulators. Individuals who know they're evil welcome bad karma and get off on their misfortune and the decay of their body. They're not only sadistic, but also put themselves through the ringer for sexual gratification. These are beings who intentionally contract STDs, and spread them, will burn themselves and others, put themselves in situations to get raped and rape others. Fake good people believe they're victims, even though they engage in the same behavior as overtly evil people because they engage in the New Age religion of “just think of it differently, and you will dodge karma!” You can't dodge the self-made structure of your brain.

To the ordinary person, purity culture is having to actually apply their philosophies to everyday life. If you're speaking to a feminist separatist who says she hates men, but then you point out that she has a boyfriend, she will call you a purist for expecting her to abide by the values she says she has. Purity culture isn't only about sex, it's about actually being who you say you are. This is where impurity and the split mind come into play, most people cannot reconcile reality with what is going on in their head, which is the basis of all mental illnesses.

If you call a slut a slut, you're being rude, but if you call a slut an innocent angel, she will become gleeful even though she doesn't fit the criteria. The ordinary person is begging to be lied to, and then they get upset when they get played. People love poetic whores for this reason. The individual's lack of self-awareness is why they are taken advantage of repeatedly. This level of naivety has clarified that the cabal does need to deploy mind control, as most are not interested in controlling their minds. The primary way people are controlled is through their senses. When I see people with zero discipline write pieces on how they abuse their senses in this never-heard-of-unique way even though it's very mediocre, as if they have any autonomy, it's kinda funny. Just like the essing dee example you gave.

The “think of x differently” mindset is exactly what false religions are about and how dogma springs up. If somebody is consistently having sex, their consciousness is at that level. It doesn't matter how intelligent they project themselves to be, people who are actually smart aren't popular & can see through their facade. If you're popular yet, claim to speak the truth, that's a contradictory statement. One must lie, pander and grift in some manner, or they're stupidly reinventing the wheel to gain traction in this world.

Although I absolutely despise evil, I'd rather deal with an overt devil than the covert one. The ones who openly brag about their disgusting nature and don't try to justify themselves, but these individuals are relatively rare. Overt psychopaths are the ones women hate because women are covert psychopaths who are terrified of men who make no effort to hide their true nature. This is because women like to be warmed up to the sexophile's vulturine nature slowly, then claim victimhood. Women as a collective hate the truth because women lie that much.

The language people use is indicative of their true nature. It's a sign of how versed they are in grooming, manipulation and “lovebombing." Convoluted, confusing and flowery language is meant to romanticize degeneracy. Predators are predictable, but people with smooth brains will always be easy prey. Oh well, survival of the fittest, right?

The majority of the world is still illiterate, and most of the people who can read do so at a 2nd grade level (and that is dwindling according to what these teachers are saying). So to even have good enough karma to read yet waste one's eyesight on garbage is a personal choice. What you're saying is literally incomprehensible to everybody. Realistically, there is only a small portion of the world this information is available to, a lecture room of people who can comprehend it and a handful who will actually apply it. Still worth it for those who are genuinely suffering, so any truth you can speak is infinitesimally useful.

Eating genitals is no different than drinking piss and eating shit. These are dog-people who are only one step away from eating plated feces as a delicacy, which is why westerners are projected to eat bugs soon. We're seeing more and more people with veneers for a reason. It's not just to get a Hollywood Smile. I would talk about this more, but 120 Days of Sodom demonstrates Satan Consciousness well enough. These beings are not human but take on the appearance of such. Actual humans are at least aware of their souls and demonstrate discipline and decorum. Animals are at the will of their base urges.

[wetcatspellcaster]

Did you see Neil Newbon’s take that Ascended Astarion is the real him free to act on cruelty and violence and the spawn is the one with the mask? Yeesh.

Ooooooh, THAT'S the disk horse that's happening right now!! I knew something was happening (I felt a tremor in the waters) but I had no clue what it was lmao, I don't follow cast stuff.

I will try to respond to this in good faith, but I'm not very good at fandom discourse and so I'm afraid it may not be the answer you want.

I can see why that reading might make people angry, but I dont have strong feelings about it. Obviously, it's not my take on Ascension, but from the beginning I've been very upfront that my take is serving the genre I'm writing in and the ship dynamics I find hot. My Tav is lawful good to an unhealthy extreme, and that was how she was conceived in her Early Access bullying phase. And meanwhile, I wanted to be in a Gothic horror where he's obsessed (morality chains will do that to you) and they beat the shit out of each other. I have to make the Ascendent a monster, for that to work, and for people not to feel guilty every time they enjoy watching him getting stepped on lmao.

But I do feel like there is a morality policing around Astarion's ending that I don't want to partake in. This might seem dumb for me to say, given that my Tav is a veritavle walking moral policeman, but that is bc I fucking love Villain/Heroine ships, so I am literally right there, at the Devil's Sacrament with everyone else.

While I like the good ending and prefer it for many reasons, I would agree with a reading of Newbon's words that it could be read as a mask. This might be bc I mask with the best of them, am doing it right now even as I write and edit this ask 20 times. There's masking as an outright lie, and then there's masking as 'gotta get through day to day life as a functional adult without everyone suddenly deciding they hate me'... I personally think its nice that spawn!Astarion cares about other people, and cares about being a functional member of society at all! It shows he's no longer a lonely outcast.

I could also go deeper (the autism really shining through in this reply) and say it's a mask, in the sense that this has been deemed the 'polite' and morally correct ending, that is acceptable to others and enables the player to feel good about themselves. Which is often a way we derive pleasure from media, and not wrong in and of itself! Making Astarion good makes players feel good - that's not wrong, but if we're comparing endings, we have to acknowledge it. An Ascended Ending doesn't really cater to that impulse... unless the player really likes to be dommed (more power to them).

Unfortunately anon, I can't sit here with my most popular fic being an Ascended!Astarion fic, and pretend that there isn't a bunch of fascination or interest surrounding the Ascended version of his character. People clearly want to explore the implications of his evil ending and indulge in the excess of it, but feel bad doing so. People don't ascend him in-game, but they go to my fic and other people's fic because they want to have some space to enjoy the implications - in the sexiness, in the timeline where Astarion has revenge, in a timeline where he is obsessed with Tav etc. I mean, just look at me, I can't sit through the Ascended scene, but I'm here writing a fic about it!!

The fact that it seems to happen more in fic than in playthroughs tells me, if I was to get super deep in a tumblr ask, that people feel guilt about it. Some kind of mask is being employed, by someone, somewhere, in that mix. So I'm not about to add to any of that kind of policing. It would be pretty disingenuous of me to get my most feedback from an Ascendent fic I am writing, and then judge people for liking Ascendency narratives...

So while I don't have much interest in pretending the evil ending isn't the evil ending, that doesn't sound to me (second hand, through you, with my brain seeing 7 or 8 different implications) to be what Newbon is saying. He's just saying that the Ascendent is the less palatable Astarion to other people and that spawn!Astarion still has some kind of mask or a politeness filter on. Which... yeah. Kinda. In my world, I like that Astarion decides its worthwhile to restrain himself, because he has things to care about potentially ruining. But that's still in many ways employing restraint. People don't just stop masking, they learn to care about what others think in a healthy way. They have friendships, relationships, other ties to the world, that make them want to be something other than a cruel or violent or evil version of themselves. I think that's nice, and far less lonely but um... yeah. I can see Newbon's point, even if I don't want to like, live or die by it.

[ezra-editss]

"Dean doesn't reciprocate" MY ASS

I'm just kinda gonna write down my thoughts about this. I'm in season 7 now, I know what happens in the very last episode, but nothing else so I don't read any posts about the show here yet :) (just so yk and don't accidentally spoiler me) Oh and I do this mostly out of memory and some notes that I took, so this might be a little chaotic :,)

Okay, so the whole season 6 fight was crazy to me. The way Cas was watching while Dean kept on defending him. And he knew how much Dean trusted him. ("The worst part was Dean. He was trying so hard to be loyal, with every instinct telling him otherwise.") It hurt him, but the whole time he was, again, protecting Dean. And yes, he hurt Dean, but I think it was as bad for Cas to hurt Dean, as for Dean to be hurt.

Then, Dean apologizing for the others? They (thought they) were wrong and Dean had kept on trusting Cas, so why was it him who apologized? Because he knew it meant more to Cas when he did it? Idk.

Cas wasn't able to lie when he looked in Dean's eyes.. come on? Also, the fact Dean wasn't actually mad when he found out was really interesting. He was just extremely sad. Yes, his trust got broken and maybe he was just tired of it all, but it didn't seem like that to me, I felt like he usually got madder.

I love how they always share those sad looks when they go apart after the fights btw, such a best buddys thing to do.

It was really hard for both of them. We can see that Dean can't sleep that night and that Cas comes back to talk to him alone, because it only matters to him that Dean understands.

Oh and the "I'm doing this for you, Dean." I don't even need to explain his motives, because he reveals them himself.

Then the scene from my edit. (at the top) (it's kinda laggy, bc it's slow-motion, but anyways) They both have teary eyes a lot, but this is different. Dean turns aways because he knows he's gonna cry and Cas disappears before he really starts crying, but they are both fuckin crying about this. They're both just sad and want this to end. Even when Dean said he's gonna stop him and so on, it was way less threatening than usually. And Cas kept coming back when Dean was in danger.

But Dean still cared as well. In the first episode of season 7, when Cas asks for help, he pretends he doesn't care about him anymore for a bit, but you can clearly see that he still does. You at least can see it when he thinks Cas is dead. He's devastated.

It's kinda funny how Bobby's there but Cas very obviously only cares to make it up to Dean. Like he always says "they're my friends" but in reality he means Dean.

AND THEN.. Cas tries to protect everyone else again and sends them away but DEAN STAYS. I think he knew that there wouldn't be anything he could do, but it didn't matter.

Cas dies again. (give my man a break, please) Dean keeps the god damn coat? I think he might've done it, because he was hoping that Cas would come back again. Anyways, scene was devastating.

In the judge/court episode about Dean's guilt, I immediately hoped Dean didn't feel guilty about Cas too, but was pretty sure he did. My worries were confirmed in episode 5.

So yeah, I suppose that's the part where I am, I guess I have to wait 'till Cas comes back now :,)

I don't think anyone read all this, but I hope I didn't make any grammar mistakes, bc English isn't my first language, so I sometimes get stuff mixed up (I definitely made the tenses confusing). Anyways, rant end.

[miniimapp]

Can you make hcs for Aaron T,Z, and fem or gender neutral reader being in a poly relationship?

Gen ;; Fluff - Headcanons

Warnings ;; none lol

Proofread + Edited ;; if you even consider this a possibility do you even know me ??

Auth. Note ;; never written poly before so forgive any inaccuracy,, also we went gn!reader for this bc i wanted to alskfkb

also the colour scheme is giving halloween and i live for it :DD

Jan 2024 Edit ;; excuse my abhorrent timing.. let's pretend it hasn't nearly been a year since i got this, yh ?? sick lol

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈«

literally the first thing that came to mind is lazy mornings

just straight up cuddles only,, no worries

as i typed that i got the sudden like mini scene in my kind of T singing hakuna matata and Z joining in with little harmonies

holy shit T's morning voice is deeper than the fucking mariana trench my dudes

let's get one thing clear,, everyone gets flustered by T's morning voice

and he finds it fucking hilarious

but for the first months of dating,, you thoughts Z was the only exception

literally not a single eyelid batted

you were beyond confused

like,, your cheeks are burning

how is mans enduring this.. what are his secrets

like,, you'd feel your brain melting out of ears trying to maintain some semblance of calm and Z over here is brushing it off like water off of a duck's back

at least that's what you think

inside Z is full on screeching,, he is hot,, he is flustered,, he might be dying..

but hey,, at least no one can tell !!

it took a couple months for you to figure out that Z does not,, in fact,, keep his cool over T's morning voice

he does,, in fact,, lose it just like everyone else

how did you find this out you may be wondering ??

through Z's top secret diary of course !!

you and T stumbled upon by complete accident

really,, you did !!

no sneakiness was utilised in this mission.. definitely not..

but it just so happened to be left open on the table

you didn't even realise what it was at first,, figured it was one of Z's choreo notations and got kinda curious

T always liked to sneak peeks at the choreo beforehand to see how tiring it was going to be lol

then,, once you'd started reading you just couldn't stop

there were pages upon pages of flustered musings,, sincere endearment,, and loving descriptions

it was all too sweet !!

and within those pages was it

all of Z's hidden breakdowns over T's morning voice !!

you knew you weren't the only once,, you just knew it !!

the euphoria quickly subsided to make way for guilt at reading his diary

and you knew T was feeling similarly..

so,, you fessed up

that was awkward,, lemme tell you !!

you'd never seen T so.. squeamish (??) before

luckily,, Z didn't react badly

not even slightly

his reaction actually startled you slightly

because he just started laughing

it started small,, an amused little huff and snowballed into hiccuping snorts

it was honestly kinda adorable..

and that broke the awkwardness for both you and T

you joined in real quick

that really smashed through a couple of layers of ice you guys hadn't even realised was there from the beginning of your relationship

you all got a lot more comfortable around each other after that !!

it was good :))

moving on,,

i feel like T started this game called something stupid like "say that again but rap it"

literally all he does is get Z to repeat his sentences but rap them instead

so Z flipped it back on him because let's be real,, T can talk for a podium position,, he's literally the perfect target of his own game

fr out of nowhere T was rambling and Z waited for him to finish his spoken essay before going,, "say that again but rap it"

T was beyond flabbergasted,, mans forgets the words as soon as they left his mouth

and don't we all frfr

but is that going to stop him from trying (and failing) ??

you bet your ass it isn't !!

mans said real fast "gimme a beat"

AND Z DOES WITHOUT HESITATION

free entertainment baby,, that's what you're in for with these two ;DD

it was a catastrophe,, lemme be real clear

it was mostly just frantic not-words and vocalisations with the odd word or phrase that he actually remembed thrown in

lots of "hmm dumm da stupid fucking washing mashine uhh da dee da" and "broken p- uh p-pu- uh,, what's that word?? da da,, shut up Z !! oh,, pulsator!!"

like,, yeah you got that word but now we've lost all sense of rhythm lmao

it's a great time honestly,, wish i could've been there fr

overall,, i think that this throuple would be so amazingly chaotic but also so sweet and good to one another

you'd never want for anything,, they'd do everything they could for you

and you work so well with them and be such a good connection to the world outside 4*TOWN

i think you'd def keep them feeling human and real

[kairiscorner]

HELP I WAS THE ONE WHO REQUESTED THE INUMAKIS "SUS" THINGY AND IT'S ACTUALLY "what's it like as inunakis lil SIS" MY BAD IM SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION 😭😭

OH HI, LMAO DWWWW IT'S OKAY :'DD but tbh, THIS WOULD BE CUTE, i hope ya like this :DD

(reblogs are greatly appreciated, it helps get my content out there! if you guys like what you see, please reblog it too <:D)

being toge's little sister — fluffy headcanons

now he may not seem like it, but toge cares a very great deal about you <:) if you were a sorcerer too at jujutsu tech, he'd always stop by your dorm and hand you some breakfast, even if it's wordless, you can tell toge really loves you and is willing to to do this for you everyday, like he'd do for you at home.

he's a little protective of you; being your older brother isn't the only reason he looks after you a whole lot, he takes it upon himself to make sure you end up taking care of yourself when he's not around, so he tries to teach you how to defend yourself from curses and creeps.

though he wants you to be able to take care of yourself, he usually goes out with you and stays by your side as much as he can. though he doesn't look too intimidating, he wants to make sure that anyone who dares to hurt or harass you will regret it.

he never wants to hurt anyone with cursed speech, much less a non-sorcerer who has no chance of winning against him in a fight, but if there were any weirdos who won't take no for an answer from you, he might as well just use it to make them go away, not to fully hurt them, just scare them off a little and rush to your aid.

if you were the only one in their family who didn't have cursed speech, instead of you needing him, he'd kinda need you to help him translate his thoughts to the others.

he loves going to arcades and convenience stores with you, and despite you both having allowance for the week, toge would insist you shouldn't use your money when your big brother is around :>

he remembers your favorite snacks from childhood and buys them for you on occasion, he teases you sometimes by pretending to share with you some of his snacks only to eat it up at the last second bc he's a menace >:)

of course, he's only playing, he'd give you twice what he offered you anyway because you're his dearest sister <333

if any one of the students in jujutsu tech wanted to date you, he'd actually get a little more defensive and protective over you and challenge them to a 'who knows you more' battle (he comes out on top every time because he knows you inside and out so it's kinda unfair 😭😭😭)

when you cry, toge is always feeling like he's walking on eggshells. he isn't exactly the best at comforting people, what with his limited speech options and general feelings of uncertainty if his comfort tactics are working, but he'd always wait for you to put a pause to the tears and offer you a listening ear and a comforting hug or pat if you needed them.

he's very loving when it comes to you, everyone else is second, you're always the first one he'll save if it comes to that. he'd rather you live a long life ahead of yourself compared to him, he can never live with the guilt of losing his younger sister, so he always makes sure to teach you everything he knows to keep you safe and let you know he loves you with his little actions, presents, and gestures.

[delusion-of-negation]

Hi, would you mind clarifying on your “you have a cop living in your head” post? I’m not entirely sure what it’s referring to

this is the post, for anyone who hasn't seen it

I clarified a little in the second ask here (first one is for context)

and I've made literally countless posts about this, but I don't got every link to hand because most of them are quite old, since shit lately hasn't exactly been prime "make a big long essay" feelings

there's a post somewhere, from back when the kanye/alex jones started, and I criticised the "I'm bipolar and I don't do that, so it's clearly him being Transcendentally Bad and not symptoms", as if nobody has ever gone off the fucking rails in a manic episode, lol

there's also some rants about it specifically regarding the "call all youtuber out for everything all the time and harass them, keep it escalating and escalating, demand whatever you want and when that's done, demand more" attitude people have, how egotistical thinking you're judge, jury, and executioner is, how it hinders the actual act of growth, etc. and I've said the same about prison, or vigilante justice, or so forth. as I said recently in a reblog of this:

really "it doesn't help the victim in any tangible sense to balance imaginary moral scales by causing more harm, the victim needs mental/social help, as does the perpetrator", it only hurts more.

you are not their personal mental health expert. you are not their doctor. you are not their therapist. it's just not your job to involve yourself in their growth or demand they do it your way. some ass hurt your feelings online, grow up, block them, leave it alone. the simple fact is that harassing people helps nobody, it's just smug superiority complex bullshit. and while you can have standards if friends/family upset you for when you'll forgive them, that is not morally binding, they don't owe you those things, they owe you a fucking big fat nothing, there is no karma debt to be repaid, and wishing suffering upon them to repay it is a dick move. so that is generally my stance, oversimplified somewhat to make it easier.

then re that post specifically, I saw someone talking about being completely in the throws of a mental breakdown, for depression, upsetting people around you, getting help, and that not being an adequate "fix", in fact there's no "fix", and the guilt should just be eternal from the sounds of things. that's depression. ever-lasting guilt is actually a manifestation of depression. you are not doing literally anything to help depressed people if you tell them to feel things like that forever. they preach about accountability, all this flowery bullshit about owning up to things, about not using such illnesses as an excuse, about how they're ill but they don't do the things someone else did- it's a progressive way of saying the old bootstraps bullshit, with an added dose of catholic guilt, and the rozzers living inside your skull. you're policing yourself to absurd degrees. you're using it to justify the unhealthy and cruel things.

frankly, you will do bad things sometimes because you're human people, and you'll do them because of mental health issues, and there's no fucking way you should endure endless guilt, because some edgy alt chick pretending to be a goth wants a progressive excuse to be a bitchy bully, or some braindead guy wants to look smart on the youtubes and win twitter's favour. those sentences mean nothing, they're excuses to hold things over people- a way people put words in your mouth, pretending that daring to start explaining yourself without bending over to get fucked up first is actually you "refusing to take accountability", from the authority they've decided they have to dish it out. it's egotistical jargon. or simply a cop living in their head. just because you don't do those things, your symptoms don't manifest like that, you respond in a different way to those circumstances, etc, doesn't mean another person is Fundamentally Evil, bodies respond differently to stuff. there's no reason to believe your experiences are universal. but it especially isn't very fucking leftist to call people intrinsically evil.

accountability culture is just people, who understand the prison industrial complex is wrong, being unable to understand that it's given them propaganda brainworms that they need to unpack, a problem with their worldview, and instead they've clung onto all these warped perceptions and tried to stuff them into a new shit worldview, that hyperfocuses on overly-moralising, and whether somebody is a victim or a perpetrator, black and white, and it all comes packaged with a perfect excuse to be this sanctimonious bully, to boost your own ego, and to judge others. it's fucked up.

that's why it's a cop in your head, it's literally coming from them.

[problematicfactive]

This is just sort of half confession, half vent. We got quite a few problematic factives but there's one in particular that I feel kinda ashamed about how I treated him.

The factive in question isn't problematic in the usual way, his source isn't a bad person, very far from it in fact. It's just that I'd seen other systems get flak for similar factives.

We have hyperempathy so feel a lot of stress around social issues and sometimes split from them. We ended up splitting a factive tied to a social issue about a minority we're not a part of. We'd seen other systems get fakeclaimed and told they were just compensating for guilt for similar factives so I kinda tried to force him to seperate from his source. While he was still in the early phases of forming I tried to push his formation away from his source and basically forced him into being or at least pretending to be a brainmade instead, even forcing him to go by a different name. He didn't seem to bothered by it at the time but now that we're in a better place he started to express he really hates that we did that.

He wants to reconnect with his source and decide what he relationship he wants with his source. He has expressed that he wants to go by his actual name and we have respected that. But even he feels nervous about it bc he's inherited a lot of the shame the rest of us feel about him.

I want to feel less ashamed about it, especially considering how I treated him but it's really hard.

I think it's better that I, the Host answers this one. I understand its a vent, so I won't say too much. Only this.

You can't change what you did. There is nothing that can be done to change what happened. And how this person feels about you when its blown over is how they feel about you when it blows over.

I did the same things. I tried to make Anxiety form as someone else. That traumatized him in a way he can't recover from. Even the fact that we call him "Anxiety" here to keep him anonymous-- That's because of what I did to him. I wouldn't call him anything other than that. I tried to force that name change onto him.

Your relationship with this member-- it might never be perfect. My relationship with Anxiety is estranged. Anxiety has in the past called me his best friend. Anxiety also calls me his abuser. And as much as I hate to know he thinks of me that I did to him was abuse and I have to live with that.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to down on your vent, but I don't want to lie to you. I cant say "Be nice and everything will be fine" because I don't know you inside and out. I can't promise everything will turn out okay. Can it? Yeah! Would I bet on it? Usually not.

The most you can do is be better from here onward. Things may not ever be perfect, but they can get better.

Strive for better

[whenthechickencry]

Umineko EP2. Replay Part 4

You can tell Rosa's already an accomplice at this point by the fact that she can see Shkannon together here - I guess Gohda probably is too? Not sure actually. Some of the decisions Rosa makes later makes me think he's not but he seems to awkwardly lie about the telephone lines being broken... I guess Rosa might have just figured out he isn't a faithful accomplice in the way Genji is though, just another guy being threatened. though. Rosa in this episode as an accomplice is pretty blatant, you can see her in the chapel, and by the next day she just pretends to have not been there.... she pretended so hard when I first read Umineko I thought I just misremembered seeing Rosa there until I went back to check.

II can imagine how this felt like a direct threat on Maria's life here!

This is one of the most sadistic murders on the game tbh. Guess Yasu was feeling particularly shitty when writing this chapter. Also hides the gunshots ofc.

Rosa's reactions to this are pretty violent despite the fact she probably helped murder them or at least knew of it. Guess it was horrifying enough to shock her even knowing they were dead + guilt about being an accomplice.

She's already playing wolf and sheep here, isn't she? Separating Yasu and Genji and having Gohda watch over Kanon.

The way the collar thing was mentioned again made me remember Battler grabbing Kanon by the collar in ep1 - it's kind of interesting to me how much Kanon is thrown constantly into the suspicious pile in a way that Shannon isn't. Him being both a red herring and the actual culprit for all the murders the game points him at is pretty neat. Also Beatrice just mentions that Nanjo is probably an accomplice beforehand lol.

Playing wolf and sheep again with sending Gohda with Kanon to prevent Kanon from murdering Jessica - but that didn't end up working out huh Rosa?

Or because he put it there, but uh, sure. Also yeah the letter is so vague it could apply to any of the cousins. Might have even been intended for Battler. Can't remember her saying stuff this harsh to George and Jessica at other times. Also "They aren't stupid!! Both Mom and Dad were smart!! They weren't like me, they were really smart!!" is such a sad line...

Gohda seems to know Jessica is about to die oops. Rosa's sheep and wolf game failed bc Gohda is a coward.

There's a lot of mentions about Kanon feeling terrible about that day, they would have felt just as guilty if they had let the relationship fester so I can understand why Yasu feels so trapped...

This line struck to me - usually Kanon's ramblings about being furniture are about how he desperately wants to stop being furniture, here he's scolding himself for not being good enough furniture. And I think that kind of highlights what the furniture complex is. Yasu is "furniture" because their body makes them "less than human" and "unworthy of love" AND Yasu is also furniture because they feel their entire life was being written for someone else's (Kinzo's, by Genji) satisfaction, and their feelings about how they have no autonomy and that they exist for the sake of other people. I think the amount of guilt they feel about turning down Jessica really highlights it. Sure, to some extent I am sure Yasu liked Jessica and is hurt by that, but so much of Kanon's guilt over that is not about Kanon's own feelings but about how he hurt Jessica, about how he had failed her, etc. I think it shows how Yasu sees themselves as existing for the sake of others and feels intense guilt about hurting them in any way - even though turning down someone because you are already planning to marry someone else isn't something you should feel such intense self-hatred about.

A lot of Beatrice's lines towards Kanon seem to highlight how Kanon fails to "act as a man" which makes sense... Yasu was always raised as a girl and trying to figure out a male identity is new to them.

Beatrice is clearly throwing the shit at Battler, not Kanon, here though.

Obviously, by this point, the scene is being layered very thick on fantasy but here you can see hints about what makes Kanon furniture being something physical on their body (also all of Jessica's words sound suspiciously like someone being really shocked at someone drawing a gun when stripped of the magic layer!) Of course, all Beatrice Shkannon fights represent Yasu fighting against herself on whether to kill others. The big highlight on Kanon being furniture and Beatrice winning to me represents Yasu thinking there is no possible better future than shutting the catbox and giving up.

Yeah this is talking about the message bottles, I guess.

Hint hint!

"Jessica's dying and I am not going near there right now"

no it means Maria George

He didn't want anyone toa accidentally figure out his LORD U I suppose.

That's what the riddle was used for, yeah! He wasn't evading the question.

Rosa set up this trick herself and this only draws suspicion on herself so I guess Yasu forced her to say it get Battlers gears rolling

Battleeeer. Who did you talk about mystery novels like this before?

It begins!! I was waiting for this I was so excited.

It's certainly an unfair game.... in that Beatrice can't win as she keeps perpetually whittling down answers for you.

Yeah!

Didn't keep the momentum though, bzzt.

That's way too vague to answer Battler... the door was just never locked!

oh battler, you definitely picked up your dad's bad habits.

She can say that, it would just ruin the entire trick, Battler.

He was really trying and then gave up as soon as he had to doubt anyone, as usual with Battler. And that's exactly what Beatrice wants him to analyze... Beatrice is trying to force him to actually confront that possibility but it will take a whileeee.

[forcedsense]

Actually y’know what I’m back bitches cause I just remembered something else that pissed me off again and I think I need to explain it even further, especially because this directly affects both real life and online and clearly, fuckers gotta listen more clearly because whether you’re abled or not, some people are just fucking dumb and need it spoon fed to them.

Y’wanna know why ‘Writing out a writing disability’ that you don’t fucking have is wrong and offensive? Here’s another reference that happened very recently.

Said person I mentioned earlier, friend from high school who i’ve known most of my life, also autistic, tried to ruin my birthday last year, yeah. He was a big believer in the ‘joke’ of ‘just don’t do that’. Aka, I mentioned my blood disorder, his response? ‘Just don’t bleed’. I explained that was wrong, he got into a fit, shit happened, I said things I shouldn’t have, he escalated further and further and then took what I said out of context, made it all about him, got all my friends on his side, claimed I use mental illness as an excuse to treat him like shit and that i needed to apologize to him if i were to earn an apology, and its bullshit, and heres where thats fucked up and where it relates to this shit.

The whole aspect of ‘just turn it off’ ‘just don’t’ and all that, I realize it’s a fucking meme. It’s a fucking shitty meme, but it’s a fucking meme. It’s an ableist as all fuck meme. And you know why? Because all every single disabled persons life, they’re told to just stop being disabled. Ever since I was younger, I was told to just ‘be better at math’, ‘be better at reading’, ‘be better at communicating’. No aide, no help, just ‘don’t do what your brain literally cannot stop doing.’ That is purely ableist rhetoric, and it’s so ingrained in our society that even other non-abled people (though, I will point out as autism is a brain functionality, and despite what fuckheads like to try and make you believe, is not necessarily a disability, it can cause other disabilities, but depending on the section of the spectrum you’re on at any given day it’s not necessarily a disability and is kind of offensive to be referred to as such, and as an autistic i will punch you if you fucking say nothing i say matters because of my autism just saying, technically he wasn’t even fucking disabled anyways and was being an ableist piece of shit too. Which as an autistic he should be fucking ashamed of but that’s besides the point it’s just his fucking personality.) 

Why is it offensive to write out a writing disability, you might ask? For the simple reason of, you can fucking turn it off. You can, literally, turn it off at will. Which encourages ableist fuckfaces like my ex friends, my abusers, basically everyone i’ve ever known, probably just about everyone abi’s ever known, it basically tells them ‘this is not an issue! It can just be turned off! Just for shits and giggles haha!’ and that’s fucking offensive as all fuck. 

Which, again, ties directly into the ‘just don’t’ meme. Which, going back to the situation a few months ago, said friend not only said to just not bleed from my fucking blood disorder/cycle problems, but also to ‘just not have a cycle.’ and when i said i wasn’t okay with that, kept escalating it because he thought it was funny. When I reacted to the escalation, I reacted badly, yes, and who got called an asshole out of it? Not the person who started it, the one being insulted repeatedly and not being taken seriously when she asked repeatedly for them to stop. Which is always the fucking case with ableism. People. Never. Listen. 

Someone can literally tell us, to our faces, to go stab ourselves in the eyeball because we’re worthless for not being able to fucking read a page, and what does the rest of the world tell us? To just ‘turn off’ our disability, and apologize to the ableists who are violently mistreating us. It’s not okay. You don’t have a right to be upset for being called out when your behavior puts the rest of us at constant risk. That’s the basic context that is trying to be pushed out, that seemingly nobody wants to understand. 

The reality is: DONT FUCKING BE ABLEIST. LISTEN TO THE DISABLED WHEN WE TELL YOU WHAT YOURE DOING IS WRONG. YOU CAN ‘TURN IT OFF’. WE CANT. WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ‘TURN IT OFF’ BECAUSE IT IS A PERMANANT PART OF WHO WE ARE. WE’VE BEEN ABUSED ALL OUR LIVES BECAUSE OF IT, YOU HAVENT. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ANGRY AT THE DISABLED FOR CALLING OUT YOUR BEHAVIOR WHEN YOU ACTIVELY HARM THE DISABLED WITH YOUR BEHAVIOR. AND ANYONE WHO THINKS OTHERWISE. IS. A. CUNT.

[bratz-kitten]

I also like sangwoo in squid game.

The thing is that everyone came back to the game after the first challenge, meaning after seeing that in order to win, all the others must die. No one forced them to be there. Yes I understand that it was framed in the movie as them having no choice because of the situation in their life but...they choose to go back to a game that they had to kill or be killed. Morality and ethics are out of the window once you enter the squid game and he understood that.

He was ready to do whatever he could to win but he never claimed otherwise. He never claimed to be innocent or be the bigger person. He just did what he had to.

hm... i disagree with you saying "no one forced them to be in there" because squid game is, in its essense, about class and bureaucracy. it's about how the system has failed these people so much that they're willing to do just about anything for even the slighest chance of improving their life condition. they had no choice because they had no life outside of the game worth living--the "hell" they faced when playing the games was just as cruel as the hell that were their lives outside of it, but at least with the game, they had a chance of actually being able to live by gaining enough money to pay off their debts and escape poverty. at least, inside of the game, they had a feeling of control, no matter how fragile and disillusioned it was. like........ the people who didn't go back to the game after being given the chance to leave, exactly what life did they return to?

and i think that's perfectly framed with sangwoo's suicide attempt, he understood that there was no escaping misery, which is why when he came back to the game, he was willing to do anything to win... no matter how fucked up and immoral. i do agree a lot with your last statement, i feel like literally no one in that show was a good person so it was refreshing to see a character who didn't pretend to be this beacon of righteousness. he was fucked up and had to do all of that not only for himself but for his mother, which i think is what really sells his character for me. like... if you have to do something shitty to save yourself, then you probably won't do it bc your life isn't that important to you that you'll risk a life of guilt, but for the people you love???? you'll kill whoever you have to. and the guilt he felt over putting his mother's life on the line, the way he felt like he needed to make it up to her....... omg. it's so good. i really love him not because his actions are excusable (even though they are lmfao, it's survival of the fittest babyyy), but because of how complex he is. AND SEXY. EXTREMELY SEXY. hot dilf with glasses makes my brain rot

by the way i really love his dynamic with ali abdul, like. you can tell how much trust and faith ali put in him, how their connection was evolving into one of so much camaraderie and a feeling that they had to protect each other (not only between them but also the rest of the team), which makes it all the more heartbreaking when he trusts sangwoo enough not to fuck him over, but then sangwoo indeed fucks him over. omg... the emotional turmoil.... the betrayal.... the realization sangwoo had of the person who he had become in order to win the stupid fucking game...... i think ultimately that's what led him to sacrifice himself for gi-hun, knowing that there wasn't a life worth living when he had already sacrificed what was most important about life: his humanity.

anyways i really have so much respect for characters like him, characters who put their emotions aside and choose logic and cold detached cunning as a strategy for survival. he had insane leadership skills and had to make all the hard decisions because no one else would've in his place. no one would've survived that long if he wasn't there with his quick intelligence, ready to do the heartbreaking thing. people love to vilify the genius sociopathic leader, like okay, IS HE SUPPOSED TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A CAPRICORN MOON????? UH??????? LMFAODASJSNJSDAJN

[berylliumliumite]

I am coming into your inbox requesting you talk about Rosemary

I think Rosemary is happy as a child bc she has nothing else to compare her normal to. Her mother loves her. Chris is there for her, even though she doesn't know why, exactly, but Mia and Chris must be friends if he's there (they're not) (they stick together for Rosemary, because Rosemary didn't deserve this, doesn't deserve this). And so Rosemary scares the kids at school (the one year she has school- normal school, anyway). Zoe comes over often and makes sure Rose is okay. Rose has someone in her life who uses he/him and loves women and is a woman, just doing it differently, and she adores him. She cuts her hair short when she's young and Mia, who lets her do almost anything (out of guilt, sure), lets her dye it black when she's in middle school.

I think as soon as she realizes that none of this is normal, then it goes downhill. The constant blood tests. The constant monitoring. She escapes into books because she cannot go online (the BSAA is constantly monitoring what she says, what she does). She idolizes Zoe and Mia, who escaped from the Baker house, away from a scary little girl her age. It dawns on her that she could be that scary little girl. She stops using her powers for a while, but they grow inside her, and it just... bursts out one day.

It's better to exercise control, she realizes.

When she does manage to escape online- Chris buys her a phone (for emergencies, he says)- she realizes that she's a boy. And then he realizes he isn't a boy. And then he finds the term non-binary and doesn't accept it for a while, but it fits. It fits.

Mia takes it in stride, but Emerson can tell that she's upset about him changing his name. The military does not take it in stride, but they have to, because Chris is the one shouting out orders and calling them Emerson and using their correct pronouns (he/they).

He can't do it forever. He's getting old. But Emerson appreciates the time he spends getting it right.

I think that Emerson idolizes Zoe and Mia so much that he willingly decides to go into the military to protect people like them. They love their father for what he's done- they get plenty of stories from both Zoe and Mia- and then one day Mia tells them about her involvement.

Emerson hates her for a little while. Refuses to speak to her. Is angry at Chris and Zoe, too, for not telling him. He hides in his room and refuses to go to training. His whole worldview has been shattered.

He hates her until he doesn't, but he doesn't forgive her. Not really. And he hates Ethan, too, for being perfect and loving her. He hates Ethan for putting him in this position. He hates Ethan because Emerson is just like Eveline. He's a monster, a kid who doesn't know anything. And he fell for it hook, link, and sinker. The BSAA doesn't let him go, now. He blows up in a park once and suddenly he's a public safety concern, so he needs to be monitored even more and stay with Chris- less and less often, though, as Chris is getting old- so he stays in the facility and Mia visits him as often as she can. And he's trained.

Mia gives him comfort, now, to remind him of the kid he once was. When she holds him, he can pretend that he's normal. She cuts his hair for him. Buys him a binder and sports bras. Tells him about her day and brings him food she cooked- though it's not often very good. Ethan was always the one cooking.

He sits and waits for an answer.

He dreams of trauma that isn't his.

And he is no longer angry at Ethan, if only because he's older. Because he wants to meet him, now. And doesn't know what to do without someone who was made like him.

Emerson has a short temper and is serious almost all the time. They were mature for their age. They call themselves butch and stitch a nonbinary flag on their personal jacket. They have these powers- they're a true bioweapon.

Wouldn't it be so fun if this final villain was Ethan, or Emerson himself? I don't think capcom will go for it because this is resident evil, and the villains have to have to be evil and not someone we root for so that you don't feel upset when you get the rocket launcher and blow them sky high. But Emerson doesn't need to be a villain. He's a teenager- he's still a kid- and he's in distress. He doesn't know how to control himself any more than the BSAA does. He can be redeemed.

But that's not capcoms Thing, nor is it resievils Thing. so while i wish for it, i don't think it'll come to fruition :(

[supergirlfics]

Can you please write where R is dating Kara and she understand that she's Supergirl and she tries so hard to be supportive even tho it makes her feel like she isn't Kara's top 1 priority. So everytime Kar choose saving others instead of her it slowly makes her feel unimportant but she dont blame Kar at all bc she understand. But then Lena came and she made her feel important and happy. Slowly she fell inlove w/ Lena instead. Can you please make it very angsty? Pretty please?? Thank you!!

There she went again. Supergirl flying from the window as she cut your date short for the fourth time that week. Your heart couldn’t help but sink as you pursed your lips, slouching in your seat.

It’s not that it was exactly Kara’s fault. The city needed her. However, that didn’t stop you from feeling disappointed every time she left to save a burning building or stop the latest alien threat. 

You wished Supergirl would just take a break and leave the hero work up to the police for once. The thought left a sinkhole of guilt in your soul, but you couldn’t help it. Her constant leaving always made you feel like you weren’t important to her. 

It made you feel alone in the relationship.

With a sigh, you turned off Kara’s TV and headed for the door. The lights flickered off and the lock clicked behind you as you headed home.

When Kara’s name came up on your phone the next morning, you ignored the ringing. You weren’t in the mood to speak to her and you could always pretend you had your phone on silent. You were at work, after all.

Unfortunately, you weren’t able to avoid your girlfriend for long. It was only an hour later when she showed up at your office.

There was a knock on your office door and it opened to reveal Kara. “Hey,” she said. Her face was covered in concern. “Can we talk?”

“Come on in,” You motioned. You tried to hide the deep sigh, but it didn’t go unnoticed.

Kara brushed her hands over her shirt nervously. Despite your turmoil toward your girlfriend, you could never get over the fact that Supergirl, hero of National City, could get so anxious. Kara took a seat across from you as she fumbled with her glasses. “Where did you go last night? I thought we were going to finish our movie. I was worried about you.”

“You could have called last night,” You suggested. “Or you could have stayed home.”

“Y/N …” Kara said. “Is that what this is about? You’re mad that I had to leave?”

“No -” You started. “Okay, yes. Look, I know that you’re a superhero. I know you can’t just sit around while the city is in danger, but I just wish that for once, you could put everything on hold. We tried to have four dates this week and not a single one of them lasted over half an hour.”

“I know, and I am so sorry. Let me make it up to you. Please?”

“That’s just it, Kara. You’ve been trying to make it up to me for weeks. I don’t blame you for saving the city. It’s amazing and important. And so are you. People look up to you and trust you to help them. I just wish I could trust that you would be here when I need you.”

Kara looked away, twiddling her thumbs. “So what are you saying?”

You moved around your desk to kneel next to Kara. “I know what you’re thinking, and that is not at all where I’m at. I promise.”

“Then what place are you in?”

“I just - I want to know you’re making an effort. I love you, Kara Danvers. But every time you fly out that window, I can’t help but feel like I’m not as important as everything else in your life.”

“Whoa, hey,” Kara said, gripping your hands. “Don’t ever think that. I love you, too. You are the most important person in my life. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I just feel so guilty for making you feel so bad about yourself. I can do better.”

“You can’t just stop saving the city, Kara.”

Kara opened her mouth to speak, but couldn’t come up with anything to say, and closed it again.

“I know that I’m contradicting myself. I’m confused. I don’t know what to feel.” Tears had begun stinging your eyes.

Kara planted a kiss to the top of your head before pulling you into a tight hug. “We’ll work through this. Together.”

You couldn’t help but notice Lena the first time she appeared at game night. Kara had spoken very highly of her and you could see why. She was very kind - definitely a turnaround to the usual associations of the Luthor name. Not to mention her intelligence. Lena, you decided, was a wonderful addition to the group. 

The two of you quickly became good friends. You looked forward to seeing her every week. And before long, you even started hanging out outside of game night.

You and Kara had been working on your problems. She’d really been trying hard not to ditch you so much, but that wasn’t always possible. She kept you safe, she kept the city safe, and that, you decided, was probably all you could ask for. Your life, you figured, would always be that way.

So when Kara had to run out just as you were about to meet her for dinner, you forced yourself not to cry as you sat alone. 

It was your anniversary.

You were supposed to have a romantic night. But Kara couldn’t even put the cape on hold for that. You had been looking forward to it for ages. She had promised not to let anything come between this night. But the promise was broken. And so was your heart.

Then you saw Lena. She strode into the restaurant alone. Probably to meet someone. However, when she saw you, clutching your phone a little too tightly as you told the waiter your date would be there soon for the fourth time, she didn’t hesitate to move to your side.

“Hey, Y/N,” Lena said. “What’s going on? Shouldn’t Kara be here? It’s your anniversary, isn’t it?”

“Lena, hi,” You said. “Yeah, it is. One year together. But she had a - um - a job and I don’t think she’s coming. I should just - I should go.”

“Wait,” Lena said. “You shouldn’t be alone. Do you mind if I join you?”

“Go ahead.” You were so grateful for Lena. This may have been the worst anniversary in the world, but at least someone was there for you.

Lena took a seat across from you. Admittedly, it felt kind of awkward. The table was set with floating candles and a small bouquet of roses. “She stood you up for a news story?” A look of annoyance - no, anger - flashed across Lena’s face. “I’m so sorry.”

“It was important. I get it. The world doesn’t wait.”

“Yes it can.”

You wished you could explain the situation to Lena, but she had no idea who Kara really was.

“It’s not as if she’s saving lives. She’s writing a report. I am very fond of Kara, but why do you continue to defend her when she stands you up or runs out on you? It seems to happen a lot.”

“She’s just - she’s busy,” You said, but you faltered. Lena had just voiced your very concerns. Despite her efforts, Kara hand’t really gotten any better. After all, if it weren’t for Lena, you would be all alone on your anniversary.

“She showed,” the waiter said. He appeared so suddenly at your table that you jumped. “You must be a very lucky lady to have a girlfriend willing to wait so long. What can I get started for you two?”

“Oh, no. We’re -”

“I am,” Lena said. Her hand jumped across the table to grab yours. She gave you an earnest look, silently begging you to go along with it. 

After the waiter left with your order, you stared, dumbstruck, at your friend. You tried several times to form a sentence, but no words came out.

“You didn’t need the embarrassment,” Lena said simply. “It’s been a tough enough night. I hope that was all right?”

“Y - yeah,” You stammered. “Thank you.”

“How long, exactly, had you been waiting for Kara?”

“A little over an hour. Sixty - seven minutes.”

“You counted the minutes?”

“I know. It’s pathetic.”

“Not at all. Actually, had I been Kara, I would see it as quite endearing.”

Your anniversary dinner may not have been what you expected - it may not have even included the person whose anniversary you shared - but it was amazing. You and Lena talked for hours, catching up since your last meeting, speaking about work. You hadn’t realized until then just how freakishly smart Lena was. Most everything she spoke about in relation to L-Corp went straight over your head, but she was so passionate that you held on to every word, even after she finally noticed the more than slightly confused look on your face and apologized.

“No, go on. It’s important to you, which means it’s important to me.”

You thought you saw the traces of a blush cross her cheeks as she dove back into the monologue. But you dismissed it as nothing more than a trick of the light.

You were with Kara. Not Lena.

“Thank you very much,” You said as you exited the restaurant a few hours later. “It means a lot.”

“Of course,” Lena said. “Did you drive? I can take you home.”

“I drove, but thank you. You weren’t coming to meet anybody, were you?” You realized you had been so wrapped up in your disappointment, you hadn’t stopped to think that perhaps there was somebody Lena had disappointed when she chose to join you.

“No. I came for a night to myself. But I’m very glad I saw you, so don’t get the wrong idea. Are you going to be okay?”

“I will.”

“Text me when you get home,” Lena said. She wrapped you in a hug before striding away toward her car.

The drive home was a mess of conflicting emotions. Lena had been so kind and generous. She even insisted of paying the tab until you finally relented and allowed her. She was so kind. She had gone out of her way to make sure you were okay, changed her plans for you. 

The way her eyes lit up when she saw you. And that smile - that beautiful, intoxicating smile. Not to mention the laugh. The laugh that sent chills up your spine.

No. You couldn’t think that way. You were with Kara. You loved Kara. Lena was just a friend. A good friend and nothing more. But maybe … No. No way. You weren’t developing feelings for Lena. You couldn’t.

You hadn’t expected Kara to be at your apartment when you arrived home. She stood ready with a bouquet of flowers and a very sorry expression. When you opened the door to see her standing there, you were at a loss for words.

“Hey,” Kara said. “I am so sorry I missed dinner. I know I promised nothing would pull me away tonight and then it did. I feel terrible. These are for you.”

“Thank you.” You hesitated before taking the flowers. “I’ll - uh - I’ll put them in some water.”

You set the bouquet down on the counter, but before you could grab a vase, Kara’s arms wrapped around you. “Movie night? I picked up donuts and ice cream.” 

You spun around in her arms, looking up at your girlfriend with tears in your eyes. “I … can’t, Kara. I’m sorry. But I’m tired. I just want to go to bed.”

Kara physically deflated. “Okay. I understand. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Sounds good.”

Kara kissed you, but for probably the first time, you felt almost nothing as your lips connected. You were upset, confused, and you needed time to sort our your feelings. Time away from Kara. You rubbed your neck as the door closed behind her. You didn’t think it was possible, but you somehow felt more alone than you had when you realized Kara wouldn’t make it to dinner.

[vxnevermorevx]

Welcome to my mind

For the last three years, my mind has been... Well, shit. Not that it hadn't been on a steady decline for years prior.

Recently, someone named her Denise. My other me. "Because that's what she is..when something is the opposite of something it's de-. She's not nice, she's De-Nice..."

Denise.

The name give to the me that's not me but spends more time pretending to be me than I do.

*Character Bio*

When I'm not Denise, I'm Ginny and she was the most wonderful person. I miss her dearly.

I had a great childhood. Very few psychological events, in my opinion. We never had much money, but my mom made sure I never knew it. My father worked hard at both his job and destroying his marriage; which is probably one of the marks on my childhood. More to come on that, I'm sure.

I didn't have trouble in school, per se. Bullied only a handful of times in all my school years. My mom is a designer, so I wore things you couldn't find on stores throughout my whole school life. I was *always* ahead of the trend and some kids couldn't handle it. We're talking 1991-2003. So, jumpers, corsets, mesh dusters, pants with fur on the bottom, dressing like anime characters... I was the first of everyone around me to be dressing that way. And I loved it!

But I had my revenge, as my hecklers could be seen wearing the same things they made fun of me for, after it became trendy. I guess you didn't have to be dead to be caught wearing that after all...

I struggled in math and excelled in art and writing. I had mostly good teachers, I think only one hated me.

I met all my best friends there. Can't say I've made all that many more in the years since. But, in my defense I'm surrounded by people who are nothing like me. You see, I grew up in Florida. All my vital youthful years were spent there. And now I live near Portland, Oregon. God, why? I even lost one of my dearest friends to the city. She completely changed from a fun, artistic girl who liked to draw, read, and cook...to...one of them. She's now a guilt vegan ( let's you know how disgusting you are for eating meat ) and is obsessed with shows that need to be cancelled. I had known this girl since first grade, she said she would follow the first friend who loved out of state. That was me, so she came out here too. Our friendship immediately began deteriorating as she would not allow me in my own room during the day, because she was talking to some loser friend of hers online. This person left her in a Walgreen's 20 miles from her home, on the wrong side of town, when we were all barely old enough to drive, because she was taking too long looking at eyeliner. But, she sounds like a solid individual to begin emulating. Are you serious? I watched my fully replacement take effect. 20 years of friendship completely gone in a matter of months. Have you ever watched someone stop carrying about you? Think about it. No, don't think about it. It's awful. She even physically ended our friendship. The first I had ever experienced. It was wrenching. But, I'm too far ahead now. I need to tell you how I got to Oregon.

Somewhere around me being 16, my dad stopped coming home. His mother had recently died and he knew some pretty shitty people willing to help him take the pain away. How does a poor, dyslexic, hoodlum, with a history of abuse cure the blues? Crack, of course. My mom did all she knew how to do, but she was pretty done with it all. They got divorced and some rich old lady "saved" him and whisked him off to Maryland where he would suffer many years of depression for what he had done to his family.

Now, it was just my mother and me. I immediately got a job and gave her my entire paycheck to help keep us in our lovely house. But as fate would have it, the city claimed eminent domain on our house with plans to build a water treatment facility. So, they lowballed us on what our house was worth and gave us 6 months to move. Now, here's some important side information: my mom is an army brat who grew up with mountains her whole life, until moving to Florida for my dad, which was apparently one of the last places she ever wanted to be. And my chummy from another tummy, was born in Oregon and had recently left me to go to OSU. This girl is my sister by all counts but blood. So, with a few other helping factors the logical answer was to start anew. How completely different my life would have been if I stayed. Can't say it would be better, just 100% different from what it is now.

But, in 2005 we moved to Oregon on the promise that we would do all the things we wanted to do and be living in Seattle in a few years.

None of that worked out. I can still remember the first night we spent in our apartment. I hated it. I let everyone know too. I think I cried for a week. I just wanted to go home. My Sisi was too far away to see her more often than the weekends and slowly her grades began to falter. This led to her dropping out and moving back to Florida just five months after I moved out here for her. I fell apart. I had only my mom and I love her, but sometimes you need your friends... You know? We did what we could and took jobs we hated and tried to get used to our new surroundings. I'm apparently a spoiled brat so I'm sure I made things painful for my mom who was finally back in her element and here I was stomping around telling everyone how much I hated it. Hate it. Present tense. I know the whole world is a cess pool of hipster, millennial idiots who all think that they know how to run the world, but the concentration of their free-for-all holier-than-thou ways is as dense here as the trees. It's exhausting listening to people who haven't showered in a week tell you how special they are because they have this heightened awareness that they learned from some Joe Blow and happens to not be fact at all. I have had a 24 year old Hispanic girl tell me that only white people can be racist, everyone else is prejudice. I told her that that in itself was a racist statement. And she said "no it's not. My teacher told me, and she has a PhD." I don't think I need to explain the definition of racism, but I do think Manson could have thrived in this town.

Fast forward quite a few years and we are both still in Oregon working jobs we hate not getting any of the things done we said we would. Are we lazy? Are we depressed? I'm sure it's both.

But, a small miracle comes my way, as I'm getting dressed to go down to the office to sign the next years lease I get a call from a woman who used to work with me. She asks if we are still looking for a new place to live and I tell her yes! We end up renting her townhouse from her because she's getting married. She proves to be a terrible landlord, probably because she's not all that good at being a person. She's really great at other things, but not that. Somme people are like that. But, I also haven't learned how to speak Oregonian in the 14 years I have been here.

A few more years and we end up buying the house and I have changed jobs for my health and things are looking up. I lose some of the weight I had acquired in my sorrows. I even find a guy that I can tolerate. Mostly bc he's 4000 miles away in another country. But, I struggle to find my way in our incredibly mismatched relationship. And he's so smart. So, successful... Here it comes... "what's he doing with a loser like me?"

My friends.... They all have something to show for their lives: degrees, children (Im not interested in these things,) husbands, jobs they don't hate....

I have a mortgage and a ridiculously high HOA, two payed off cars, 50 extra pounds on my ass, a job I'm not particularly built for, and a guy whom I love differently than he loves me.

I'm killing it.... Or myself. One way or the other. "I still haven't figured that shit out yet " -Eddie Murphy

I think this a pretty good place to stop for now. You should have a good amount of reference points for the following posts which will entirely be me, describing my chronic severe depression hoping that someone somewhere might read it and know they are not alone. I feel such a sense of validation when I read something from someone who feels the same as I do. This blog isn't for attention or critiquing, as most will likely be written when things like grammar and story structure aren't focused on. It's purely to get the chaos out so, I can organize it.

I don't know who you are but if you're reading this far, please stay tuned if you want to say "Wow, that's exactly how I feel."

Do good.