#everyone who got the booster shot was like ‘oh it’s fine!! i literally felt nothing’

[hawnks]

the urge to write NP getou because of that one art…..

[xseildnasterces]

just like fire.

I’ve done nothing today. I’ve been so unwell the last few days that I decided to take today off sick. I called the doctors and tried to arrange an appointment with the specialist, but they didn’t have an appointment until 20 November!!! I cannot wait that long. I’m ill now and need help now. I was told to message my nurse and tell her that I need to have an appointment sooner, so I have sent her an email and I shall now await a response. I cannot stay in this state until the end of November. If I don’t get help before then I might very well have shrivelled up and died or lost so much blood that I am severely anaemic. I’m still really worried and I am constantly concerned about the need for a colonoscopy. However, I think I have accepted that that is what is needed, and I just need to get it booked and find out exactly what is going on. Hey, I might even find out which type of IBD I have, or if I do indeed have both as suspected by my nurse. Lucky me!

I physically didn’t leave the apartment building today. I sat in front of the TV and coloured in. It was relaxing and helped with my stress and anxiety, that was until my dad called and told me that they had missed their flight. I cannot express the amount of stress that caused me. My parents had booked a holiday way back in 2019 for 2020. Of course, the pandemic hit, and the holiday was pushed to 2021. Despite neither of them really feeling safe going abroad right now, they didn’t want to lose the money they had spent on the booking. It makes me sad as they don’t have a lot of money and they had purposely booked in advance right back in 2019 because they wanted to save a little money, but anyway, they missed their flight and called to tell me and see if I could help. Unfortunately, there were no more flights today and they couldn’t really afford to pay for more flights. I offered to buy them as their Christmas gift (because they wouldn’t accept it otherwise), but because of my dad’s clinical anxiety it was easier for him to just get back in the car and drive home. I guess living so far from the airport was also part of the problem. It was hard to listen to my mum really upset on the phone, and hearing my dad, who surprisingly wasn’t going mental and instead just seemed really upset and stressed. I could tell him anxiety was peaking and the whole thing just caused me so much stress that my stomach was filled with knots and was giving me all the stress that I had been trying so hard to avoid. Stress is such a huge trigger for me and my IBD, so that really didn’t help. I haven’t spoken to my mum since she got home, but she said she will call me tomorrow. I just feel sad for them. They had waited so long for this and spent a lot of money so I can understand their upset and frustration, especially considering the reason for missing their flight was not their fault and was completely out of their control. I just feel so sad for them and yeah, stressed.

Other than that, I had group today. The group has changed over the last few months. One of the guys I felt I connected quite well with left and that was sad and stressful in itself. A new girl joined and although at first, I wasn’t sure how comfortable I felt with her she has really grown on me and I enjoy seeing her there. I spoke very little today. I felt stressed and I felt genuinely physically uncomfortable so I just sort of sat there and listened. If I am totally honest, I didn’t even listen that much the whole time. I just wasn’t in the mood, nor was I with it. I had individual yesterday and we discussed some of my biggest fears – death, getting old, and the unknown. All of this came from discussing my IBD and how I was feeling about it. I expressed my worries and concerns and how my mind always goes to the worst possible outcome – despite the fact you cannot actually die from IBD, but you can due from complications from it or from other diseases or illness’ that can be easier to catch when you suffer from a weakened immune system.

I’m wondering when I will get my third covid shot. The boosters are starting to get rolled out here to people who are extremely vulnerable, and due to my weakened immune system, it may not be long before I get my third one. I’m ready for it whenever! In the last year I have had so many vaccines! Both covid jabs, two HVP vaccines (1 more to go in November), and my flu jab which is now probably also ready for renewal. Hoping that this will aid me in my weakened immune state, especially considering I will probably find myself working in the office consistently until I go home a Christmas.

We currently have a super long weekend off. No work tomorrow, no work Friday and no work on Monday. Originally, I was supposed to be going away with H, M and F, but due to the tropical storms, hurricanes, my flare, and M’s work commitments we are no longer going. I think that’s maybe a good thing – even if I am a little disappointed, however, if we had gone, I would have pushed myself and probably ended up feeling even more unwell. We are still planning to meet up and have some day trips. Today I had such a great video chat with C and H and F joined and she was so happy to see me it was adorable. She has certainly had a wee growth spurt since I last saw her. I cannot believe how much her speech has progressed and how grown up she looked. I loved chatting to her, and it really did cheer me up.

The creepy guy from down the corridor is at it again. I honestly do not know what else I can do to make him leave me alone. I’m am genuinely scared to leave my apartment sometimes because the worry of bumping into him is real. I saw him yesterday. I was in the elevator last night and he pressed the button to stop it going up so he could come in. He didn’t recognise me at first with my mask on, but I knew it was him right away. He asked if we were on the same floor and then it clicked, and he realised it was me. He asked how long I had been back from the UK and I told him I had just got back, and I was currently quarantining…. AND THEN, AND THEN, he said, ‘oh well that explains it, I had been coming round and knocking on your door and no one has been answering’. I froze and didn’t really know what to say. Why is he knocking on my door? I said yes, I had been back in the UK for a couple of months and then walked away as quickly as I could. It was just so typical that today when I literally left my apartment for two second to go and collect a package from downstairs that as I was entering the lift he was exiting. He tried talking to me and again pressed the button to open the lift, so it didn’t go down. He asked how quarantining was going and I just said fine and pressed the button again. I was so full of anxiety I didn’t even want to go back upstairs in case I saw him again and found myself fast walking down the corridor back to my apartment. I wish guys would just get the message. I honestly cannot ever imagine a girl acting like that – not at all. I just hate it so much. I hate that I feel uncomfortable in my own apartment building. This is where I live, and I should not feel uncomfortable here. I need someone to come stay in my apartment and tell him to go away and leave me alone.

Last night I woke in the middle of the night – just like it seems everyone else in the DMV area did (there are even memes about it)! There was the most insane thunderstorm. The thunder woke me and the whole room was flashing from the lightening. It I wasn’t trying to sleep I would have loved to watch it. It has been stormy again today, and I imagine it will continue into the evening. This is the remnants of the tropical storms and everything that has been occurring in the South. At least we are lucky enough to not be dealing with the same tragedies and they are there.

[Blog title: Just Like Fire - P!nk].

[renaxwrites]

Eleven

.04  -  18

synopsis: the number Eleven had always appeared in milestones of your life. it was a constant, and you didn’t know why. but you would soon find out when you study abroad in japan and meet Him.

pairing: tsukishima kei x fem!reader

warnings: none!

masterlist: here :)

a/n: more introductions! English will be in bold. Hope you enjoy this one <3

      previous || next

We made a start. Be it a false one, I know.

“Oh. It’s you.”

You turn to see the one and only Tsukishima towering over you. But that didn’t shock you.

His jersey number was Eleven?

Why the hell did he have that number? Is this supposed to mean something? I could be safe to call it a coincidence, but there was no way. Your whole life that number had appeared, so it should be a sign of something, right?

But what?

Millions of questions dashed through your mind as you stare each other down. The split second of intense eye contact felt like an eternity of wavelengths flowing between the two of you. That split second was all it took for everyone in the gym to dissect this interaction.

Hinata, always being the one brave enough in awkward situations, spoke up. “Uh...so you guys know each other?”

His inquiry broke the tiny trace between you and Tsukishima. You glance at your feet, the team, the net. Anything but him right now.

“I guess you can say that,” you admit shyly.

Tsukishima grunts. “She’s staying at my house for the time being. Not a big deal.”

Gee, he’s so nonchalant about it. You weren’t sure how to feel about that, but seeing at the confused looks being exchanged between the players, you felt the need to give a quick rundown of what the deal was. Better to prevent any wrong ideas.

You pipe up after Tsukishima, “It’s really not. I’m originally from the United States, but I’m studying over here now. Mizuki, Tsukishima’s mother, generously offered hospitality while I was over here in the country. Nothing more than that.” You smile assuredly, trying to avoid the need for any more pressing questions.

Too bad that didn’t work.

The two boys that high-fived, who you discovered to be Nishinoya and Tanaka, burst out, “So if you’re from America, you know English, right? Say something in that language!”

Not surprised, you ask, “What do you want me to say?”

A dark-haired boy, who quickly introduced himself as Kageyama, had been quietly observing the entire time. However, he was lightning-fast to give his suggestion:

“How do you say, ‘Hinata, you dumbass’ in English?”

“HEY!”

You pivot toward Hinata’s voice and find him staring daggers in Kageyama’s direction.

“Sorry Hinata, but Kageyama thinks you’re a dumbass. Sorry Hinata, but Kageyama thinks you’re a dumbass.”

Nishinoya and Tanaka whisper to themselves, and you only catch phrases like, “Who knew foreign languages could sound hot” “The way she could flawlessly switch between them bro oh my gosh”. You felt like a bug under a microscope. Especially with Tsukishima’s negative vibes rubbing onto you. It’s so weird how just his presence has been taking a toll on you.

A blonde man, probably in his twenties, strides up to the huddle, redirecting the team’s focus to him. He seems a little intimidating, but not too much. This must be the coach then.

He announces, “Alright guys, the ride to Tokyo is in a MONTH. Just some food for thought, so I would suggest you guys get cracking on your drills sooner than later.”

Daichi claps twice. “Alright! Starting with dives! Let’s go!” And with that, the team narrows their attention to the court.

The coach hums and finally acknowledges you, in a warmer tone opposite to the stern voice he just served his team. “Hey there, seems I missed introduction time. I’m Ukai Keishin, coach of this team. You’ll meet our team advisor too. He should be coming in soon, he just went to get something real quick. So, what brings you here?”

You explain the same spiel you gave the team, and he gives a curt nod. “I see. This might actually be perfect timing then. We were actually going to begin to evaluate each player to find their strengths and weaknesses, so we know what to tweak before Tokyo. You know what, think of today as a trial. Maybe you’ll be able to give us a new perspective we could miss.”

Your eyes glisten at the thought of being legitimately helpful for the team. You felt you were meant to be here.

The doors burst open, and in scurries what looks to be the advisor with multiple packets in his arms. You sense his distress, and you dash over to help him, managing to catch one as it fell off the pile.

“Why thank you! Can’t lose that at a time like this!” he smiles in appreciation.

The two of you carry the papers over to the rest of the staff. More introductions were made on your behalf, and soon Ukai and Takeda, the advisor, catch you up on their latest tactic of evaluating the team. They give you an extra copy of their packet, which lists every player’s strength and weakness.

“Your job, (y/n), is to capture their weaknesses in action. This way, they can physically see what they’re doing, and go from there. You can throw in some cool ones of them too, if you want. So their egos can get a little lift,” explains the coach.

You get to work.

                                    ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You only have the essentials of your photography setup with you wherever you went, while your more professional add ons were in your room. This meant you had to get a bit closer to capture the range of certain angles, but you didn’t mind. You’ve been on a football field, basketball court, and a whole bunch of other arenas where you were drowning in a sea of giants. You’ve definitely seen worse situations.

Practice ran pretty smoothly. You were surprisingly able to shoot everything needed within the players’ packet, so once the team was officially done, Ukai had them all line up. One by one, each player would be able to look at their action shots, and the coach would explain to them what was working, or what can be improved. The players were, to say the least, super hyped at seeing themselves in action. (Nishinoya: “SHE GOT MY ROLLING THUNDAAA!” Your ears rang for a couple minutes after how closed he yelled) You weren’t too familiar with the sport itself, but you made sure to slide in a compliment for every player. It really made all the difference in the world to see their face light up, knowing someone else is motivating their hard work.

But a certain someone has been very difficult to read so far.

Tsukishima approaches you for his turn. What if he doesn’t like his photos? What if the angle you shot his blocking wasn’t good enough?

Why are you suddenly self-conscious?

You show him the first photo burst. A simple serve. Shouldn’t be too much.

Ukai begins explaining volleyball gibberish to Tsukishima, and you’re just trying to focus on not doing anything irrational. Just stand. Breathe. Click through photos. Repeat.

Usually, you’re able to tell what a player is thinking once they see their plays in action. But man, this guy was just so monotone! The only ounce of emotion you were able to detect was the tiniest glimmer of awe in his eye when you clicked through one particular block of his. This was the best from his series in your opinion. At least he recognized it. Your chest felt warm for some reason.

Before Tsukishima was dismissed, you slip him a quick confidence booster. “You’re really good at blocking. You look like you manage to catch anything, it’s awesome!”

He half-heartedly turns your way, looks at you dead in the eyes, and hums as a thanks.

So much for interaction.

                                    ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Practice ends, and the gym gets locked up, much to Hinayana and Kageyama’s dismay.

Everyone begins to go their separate ways. Tsukishima was still conversing with Yamaguchi, so you weren’t sure if you should wait for him or not. Playing it safe, you start to walk, but slowly. Eventually, you hear footsteps crunching behind you, signaling him catching up.

“You shouldn’t walk alone in the dark. Can’t have mom’s favorite getting hurt or lost now, can you?”

It seemed more like a rhetorical question than one you should answer, given the way he has his headphones on. You decide to give him the benefit of the doubt, by trying to keep up with his pace. Metaphorically, anyway. Man, he sure walks fast!

“I know the way back! Plus, there’s streetlights, so it’s not that dark,” you muster out.

He sighs, then takes off his headphones. “You’ve been here one day and you know you’re way around? Seems like a stretch.”

You bounce back, “I mean, it’s literally down the street. The only way I would get lost at this point is trying to keep up with your long ass stride. Chill dude!”

He finally looks at you in the eyes.

He smirks.

Then slips his headphones back on.

You couldn’t tell whether or not this was his way of playful banter, or if he was genuinely trying to get a rise out of you. Either way, he had you feel a certain way. Good or bad, who knows?

The rest of the way continues in silence. And all too soon you both arrive at the house.

At dinner, Mizuki is excited to hear how your first day played out. “You came home along with Kei, so is it safe to assume you’ve already found a club or some sort to be in?” she innocently inquires.

You animatedly nod in response. “Actually, I was with his team. Hinata has shown me around the school, so he’s the one who invited me to their practice! One thing led to another, and basically I’m the team’s official photographer!”

Mizuki smiles and grasps your hand in exhilaration. “That’s great (y/n)! It’s a good thing Hinata was your guide then. Maybe it’s fate! I feel good knowing you and Kei will be around each other often. Isn’t this great, Kei?”

He looks up from his bowl. “As long as I don’t have to carry her from a concussion or something.”  He goes back to his dinner.

Even though you retort, “I’ve been surrounded by pleasures of almost every high school sport, including volleyball. So I’ll be fine,” it still didn’t stop the evident blush that was resting on your cheeks. Why were you blushing? Stop blushing!

Once the kitchen was cleaned and you all were in bed, that’s when your thoughts started to stir. What exactly was the universe trying to tell you with his jersey number? Why did everything he did make you feel a certain way? How was he attractive without even trying? He wanted nothing to do with you, so why him?

Little did you know that he was thinking the same about you.

Why you? With the dumb way your face looks, all cute when it’s flustered? How you were able to flawlessly match his sarcasm and comebacks? He hasn’t even known you that long, so why are you making him feel something he hasn’t felt before?

While you both were drowning in each other’s thoughts, you both were staring at the same wall. The one wall separating your rooms.

It was Eleven o’ clock.

Let's split the night wide open. We'll see everything. We can live in love, in slow motion.

taglist: @jiminslonglostjams @fantasymirror @shewastheriot @lukes-princess @iamthepenguinwhosearseisonfire @its-bnha-babe @desi-studys​ @shootooooo​ @noya-senpai-imagines​ @animefan7420 @anpancari​ @tsukkx​

[nicoletteduclare]

Morning comes, and Wilson burrowed more into the blankets. Stars, did morning have to be so obnoxious? At least no one else had woken him up, it was just the natural timing he'd developed, but why today?

He wasn't ready to face today yet. Head somehow still managing to swim with worried and thoughts and memories that made his chest hurt if he thought too hard about them. "Damn it, get yourself together." He grumbled to himself as he finally unwound himself from the cocoon of blanket. "Go check on him, and then do something else for a few hours." He muttered to himself, even if he had no idea what else to do.

Chop more wood, maybe. Though now he wasn't sure if that would actually work with Maxwell back with them and not out alone in the wilderness. Still, it was worth a shot, maybe work would clear his head and ease the ache in his chest. Besides, at least then no one would say he was hovering.

He glanced at the pile of hair and sighed. Well, that came first, didn't it. Check on Maxwell, help him get a meat effigy set up, then go chop wood.

It was a plan, at least. With a extra check to make sure he had a well repaired vest and hat, even though he knew he'd just patched them up before the last few days, it never hurt to check again, he pulled them on and snagged his satchel with a blue heat stone. He'd replace one of the fresh ones at the fire with his.

Well, he got to the fire and set the stone down before he heard harsh hacking. There was only one person it could even remotely be and he didn't even grab a fresh stone before heading over to the tent he'd left so abruptly the night before. "Oh, stars..." Wilson managed as he pulled back the canvas. There was a lot of blood, some of it must have been from last night, brown and dried, though there was far more fresh, staining the white fur and some of the ground, but most of all it covered the man's mouth, at least what he could see of it, an uncovered hand covering his mouth, dried blood on the back of it.

Wilson didn't have any more words at his disposal, there was just the sinking pit in his stomach at the other little details. The pale, drained look to his face, teary eyes darting around before another horrible cough wracked his shaking body. There was absolutely nothing he could do at the moment.

It felt like there was nothing he could do, period.

All his determination fell away, and Wilson only felt helpless as he finally entered the tent, kneeling down and only then did he notice the discarded flower crown, still encircling the woolen hat. With his own shaking hands, he settled it back onto Maxwell's head. A effigy would literally kill Maxwell at this point. So much for that.

His voice felt dis-attached and far too quiet to really be his. "I guess I can't fix this, can I?" It was a sad approximation of sarcasm, his hand on Maxwell's back. "I'm sorry."

-

He'd slept. Somehow. Maxwell wasn't going to look too deeply into it, and it was frankly hard to think too deeply about it when his throat wasn't working. He must have passed out. Everything since coughing up the last flower had been somewhat a blur. He could believe passing out with how much he wanted to pass out right now.

It hurt to breathe. The slightest bit of air going to or out of his lungs was misery, not to mention the involuntary swallow when he woke up. There were tears budding in his eyes, if it wasn't for the lack of voice, Maxwell would probably be unable to hold back any sort of noise from the pain that just existing was granting him at the moment.

And then the coughing started up again. Oh, he was most certainly near the end. Hopefully he wouldn't recall this. It was a stupid hope, knowing his luck, but Maxwell could go for just a bit of mercy right now.

Not that he was going to get much mercy from this disease when it seemed like it tore his throat apart again. If he was going to ever use this tent again, he'd have to burn this poor fur roll, but he covered his mouth anyway. Maxwell tried to breathe again, but after a brief, painful inhale, the cough started up again.

It was around this time that there was a rustling he couldn't fully pay attention to, frankly, he was surprised that there wasn't a crowd growing. Instead, the familiar oath of stars told him exactly who it was, but there was no energy to even try and turn away, shadows flitting past his vision as he started another fit, petals spilling from his lips as readily as the blood.

He didn't feel the crown, though he was vaguely aware of the hand, and the barest thought of 'Why do you go through this, do you pity me that much?' flashed by before it was overtaken by pain, once again.

-

"I'm so sorry."

Wilson stayed until the end, trying to at least be comforting; he didn't know what else to do. He choked on blood, mercifully enough. Grotesque business, and Maxwell wouldn't remember it, but he couldn't find it in him to leave until he saw the ghostly shadow that death left now. "I'll take care of it, don't go running off." There was a quiet wind noise that these shades could produce, and it wasn't like he'd have any memory of the events after he woke up again, But he also just didn't want to deal with chasing down a damned ghost.

The man was stubborn enough to manage to even do that in death if he didn't warn him off the mere idea. Exhausted; emotionally, and somehow physically, Wilson picked himself up and walked out of the tent to wash up and prepare the heart. There should be some spider glands in one of these chests, if not, he'd have to ask Webber where the nearest un-befriended nest was to avoid killing any of the young child's spider friends. There was a bit of blood on his clothing, that he finally noticed at the worst time, just as he ran into a bleary eyed Winona. "Mornin' egghea- what's with the blood." It went from a tired mutter to alert at the sign of fresh blood.

Wilson sighed, pressing the clean hand over his eye, the other covered with specs of blood. "Nothing you need to worry about, I just have to do some clean up and make a telltale heart." To be specific, he needed to burn that roll and break up the skeleton and dispose of it properly. Stars, he was so drained from all this. It was heart wrenching and taxing all at once to try and comfort someone in their death throws.

"Someone die?" She asked, looking over him.

Wilson sighed. He was well aware of the vague contention between Winona and Maxwell, and that it revolved around Charlie of all people, because Maxwell had loved her, and she was Winona's sister. "Maxwell's still sick, I found him a couple of days ago and brought him back to camp. He died this morning."

There was a light frown. "Ah. Right. Remember you talking about petals and choking a while back. 'Maxy' can't even bother to care about her now." Oh stars.

"How are you so sure he isn't sick over her?" Wilson said back, already exhausted. There wasn't anyone else it could be, and he shook his head. "Never mind. I have to handle this."

Winona shook her head. "They were a couple, at least briefly. They were going on vacation together, to our family's cabin. You don't do that if you aren't at least somewhat romantically entangled. She was so syrupy over that idiot, and look where it landed her." He did somewhat understand her anger, but honestly? He wanted to get this done, set Maxwell up with a effigy, and go to bed. "So it can't be her. He's fallen in love with someone else." She rolled her eyes and waved it off. "It doesn't matter, she's better off without him anyway."

He hummed, sightly and left with a nod. He wasn't going to argue about it, it made him sick to think about anyway. He was sick enough after having to let Max pass away in his grip once again.

Maybe something was giving him a break, there were spider glands in the medical supplies, and Wilson sighed a breath of relief as he gathered the rest of the materials, along with a flint knife and a booster shot. He'd make it after he cleaned out that tent, there was too much bone and blood to really want to revive someone who also was probably going to just collapse in a heap.

Surprisingly, the ghost was actually listening, still in the tent, though Wilson wouldn't doubt part of that was also the man's pride also managing to linger. He was shocked everyone else wasn't reacting to the lingering presence, ghosts tended to do a bit of number over time.

Wilson was already planning on something warm and mentally healing, after this whole fiasco. Maybe after a nap however.

"Ooo?" A more audible variation of ghost noises, Wilson shook his head. "Need to get rid of the blood soaked things first, then I'll get it made. I already know what your reaction would be to reviving and then dealing with your own skeleton. It'll save both of us some bitching."

Oh, even dead he could assume there was an eye roll there. Stars, Maxwell. It was normal enough though that it actually managed a small smile onto Wilson's face as he quickly smashed the skeleton to bits and gathered it all up in the ruined bed mat. "Can you be patient for once, or is that just not feasible?" Somehow, the next "Ooo" managed to sound indignant. Wilson shook his head in actual amusement as he took the mess outside.

"Did he not survive the night?" Wilson's back shot up, as much as he knew exactly who it was, stars, he could do without being snuck up on. Instead, he turned, the bone shards clinking against each other.

"He did, Ma'am, just didn't survive the morning." Wilson shook his head, tired. He really didn't want to go through this again. "Just handling clearing up the mess it left before I revive him. I promised him I'd help." Well, more like he'd promised himself.

She sighed, a sad smile on her face. "You do certainly care about him. I checked in on him before I went to get warm, he seemed to be sleeping fine. I'm sorry that I didn't check this morning."

He winced lightly, "It's okay, I mean, I think I'm the only one who knew he's been coughing up a lot of blood. Should have seen it coming." He gestured to the disaster he was holding. "I need to handle this."

She nodded. "I need to make myself some breakfast, I'll make you something as well, you probably need it."

His shoulders relaxed. "Thank you. I'll get this finished up, and get him on his feet." She waved him off and he went to dispose of the bone. They kept a pile of them to pulverize and use in the gardens during the growing months, the bone meal was a decent fertilizer. After dumping those off, he tossed the ruined mat into the flames, finally taking a few moments to warm up. He wasn't freezing, but now that he had a second to himself, Wilson knew he was losing body heat at a decent pace, considering he'd lost the beard.

So, he took the time to sit and put together the heart, might as well not add more blood to the ground near Maxwell's tent. Wilson winced as he sliced his arm open and held it over the tied up glands. It started to beat and he waited til his arm started to scab over before picking it up.

At least now he hopefully wouldn’t be coughing up blood for a few days.

[recovery-status]

At first, partying was really the only thing to do in the small town we were in. (my mindset back then) We thought we were the shit because we did it every weekend and never got caught. It was a self esteem booster to be under the influence because I wasn’t so shy and more outgoing. Not all drinking experiences were bad from high school and up, that’s one of the things I still struggle with is I still hold onto the times that weren’t horrible and think to myself “I can still drink. As long as it doesn’t get out of control” WRONG. I had to slap myself out of that mindset real quick. There is no such thing as just “one drink” for me. I will never be able to drink again simply because once I start, I literally do not know how to stop until im hunched over the toilet vomiting my brains out. And even then, sometimes I still don’t stop drinking. I felt so invisible when it came to partying and drinking, I seriously thought no one but the friends i partied with knew. My best friend still to this day, held parties at her house constantly, if I wasn’t at her house we were all up in the mountains at my other friends house partying. It got to a point where we were switching on and off. However, we weren’t too smart about partying at my best friends house because next door was our track coaches house. He ended up pulling my two best friends and i aside after practice and gave us a big speech about how we are going down the wrong path, he should kick us off the team, blah blah blah. I literally walked away from that meeting asking my friends “So what time are we drinking tonight?” I didn’t give two fucks about what anyone had to say about what I was doing. At the time, I was happy and I kept holding onto that. Fast forward we are just a couple weeks shy of graduation, we were all failing classes. I was busting my ass off just so i can graduate. I didn’t care if I had C’s or not. As long as i was able to walk across that stage, i didn’t care. Graduation night finally came, my party friends and I were all sitting next to each other counting down the hours until we could let go and party. There were group texts being sent around about where the after party was going to be, that’s all i could focus on. Funny background story, the place we were going to have the bonfire ended up getting rained out. So I told everyone that we were having the party at my best friend Diana’s house without her knowing and that started a whole other project X situation. More people came to the party then I originally had thought, luckily her dad was fine with it and that’s where the night took off. We laugh about it now and joke that if it weren’t for me, we never would’ve had a good night. I don’t remember much about that night clearly, other than just a drunk bunch of teens in this big house filling literally all the rooms in the house. Got people hotboxing the bathroom, shots in the kitchen and beer pong in the living room. Morning time comes and at this point we are all so hungover we don’t know who is all in the house. After waking up, we all hopped in my friends truck and went to Mcdonalds looking busted as fuck. My poor mom had to come pick me up from my friends after, im sure i reeked of alcohol and weed but oh well! I justified it by it was my last hoorah with all my friends before we all go our separate ways so it was okay. Summer comes and this is when things really started to escalate. I had made a few friends that were older than me, they were staying in college apartments  and once again that is all we did. Instead of just on the weekends, it became a whenever we wanted to type of thing. Again if we weren’t at the house partying, we were at some randos bonfire. Looking back some of the people i had met and associated with while drinking, I had put myself in some pretty scary situations. Thank God nothing bad ended up happening. but there was always potential because im an idiot and once again didnt care. How we never got caught partying at the college apartments is beyond me. We were so loud and obnoxious all hours of the night we were basically asking to get caught at that point. I felt like i had so many friends and like i fit in somewhere that I wasn’t about to let that go. That summer was one of the best summers I think I have ever had.