#everything feels kinda heavy for no reason i guess idk

[ilostyou]

feeling like there is something like. inherently wrong with me or something 🤠

[golbrocklovely]

cultish love // colby brock

A/N: first off, so sorry for this being so late, i had a lot of things i had to edit about this fic. also this is my longest fic ever ! like the other fic before this, this is a AU version of colby… where he, you guessed it, is a cult leader. and he is also corrupt (but like aren't all cult leaders). again this deals with some possible heavy themes, so give a good read of the trigger warnings before reading ahead. i've always joked about colby being able to lead a cult, and that's basically where this idea came from. this fic also took a turn i wasn't expecting, but i like it anyway. also the first half is written as a journal entry (all italized) and then the rest is an actual fic (not italized). lmk what you think, and happy haunting !

prompt: you're a journalist, and your next big story is on the 'empathic love' cult, led by none other than colby brock. this cult is not known well, but you are getting a first hand look at them and what they do. and quickly, colby takes a liking to you. || fem!reader x AU!cult leader!colby brock

trigger warning: SMUT, no actual sex but you do get mentally fucked (it will make sense in the story), cult vibes all around, love bombing, cursing, supernatural powers, colby is very intense and kinda scary but also still his charming self, slight dubcon similar in vain to sam's story - you never say no outright, but you do have general feelings of 'wtf is this, idk if i like' so if that's too much for you, feel free to read something else :), colby's aura is crazy good at giving you visions, strangers-to-soulmates?? don't know if that's a tag lol, also…. colby's technically bisexual in this????? but like barely

word count: 8610

I've been a reporter for only five years, and this story.... it could make or break my career. Cults aren't as prevalent as they once were way back when. They still exist, just in the shadows. A lot quieter on most fronts. Usually disguised as a business or religion, for tax reasons of course. But this cult, Empathic Love, is unlike any cult I've heard of.

Of course, they don't call themselves a cult, but that's what they are. How else would you describe a bunch of randos following one man around wherever he goes?

They only started so many years ago, right before I graduated university. The main founder, Colby Brock, is a pragmatic individual, according to his followers. The cult began blowing up in my town a little over two years ago, and now people flock from all over the world to visit the Love Compound. You would think it's Disney World the way people grow excited about it.

But I am here to get to the truth of this cult. What is their motive? What are they planning to do? Will this be another Waco or Heaven's Gate? What sinister beliefs hide underneath the modern-day hippie aesthetic they show?

These notes will document everything I experience for the next couple of days. And in case I go missing, these are my proof of who's to blame.

I don't think it will go that far, but you can never be too sure.

~~~~

Day 1 - Investigation

I'm still incredibly surprised I was allowed to come onto the Love Compound. The leader himself apparently reached out to my boss and told them that they wanted someone to come down and interview the group. They allow visitors from time to time, "new recruits" as some of the townspeople call them, but reporters have never been allowed in. Not once. Until me.

Driving up to the compound was nerve-wracking. I never imagined I would be nervous; I've interviewed plenty of criminals in my years, have done full blown investigations into scary, horrifying crimes. But something about this place freaked me out. Partially because I didn't know what I was getting into. But another part of me, and I will never admit this out loud, felt... at home.

The only promise I made to myself was I wouldn’t drink any kool-aid while there. So, I plan to stick to that. Pretend my previous statement never existed.

I was greeted by a beautiful woman when I got there: Avery. No one went by last names. And some apparently changed their names altogether, which was not surprising. My guess is there were most likely criminals hanging out amongst the group. But I had no proof of that, just a hunch. It easily could be a safe haven for those wanting to escape whatever life they had before.

The compound was three Victorian style mansions connected to each other and had a decent size farm attached - about 222 acres. Avery told me about all of the vegetables and chickens they farmed. Everything was organic and used up as often as possible. Anything that couldn't be eaten or produced too much for the only 100ish people in the compound, was sold at the farmer's market or given away to the local food bank. Avery explained to me very clearly that everyone in the compound chipped in one way or another. Some still worked normal jobs, but just lived here with everyone. But she noted that Colby hoped in the near future no one would have to work at all and they would be self-sufficient in a couple years.

A cult with future plans? Almost unheard of.

I told Avery that I was given an all-access pass to ask anything I wanted to, and nothing I asked could be ignored or deflected. She agreed to an interview. I recorded all of it, but here are the highlights of what I gathered.

I asked her why Colby was such a secretive man. There were very few photos of him that did exist out there, but all that was rumored about him was his alluring eyes and generally attractive presence. She agreed that he was handsome, describing his as having "ocean blue eyes" and his voice was to die for. "Deep and arousing", as she explained.

I noted that she seemed almost lost in thought at the idea of him, like she was envisioning him directly in front of her. Strange behavior; but not for a cult follower. Many end up falling in love with their leader, believing they have a genuine relationship with said person.

I bought up the name of the group, Empathic Love, and said it felt a little too inviting. She laughed and told me that it was right on the money - the best way to describe why everyone was there. She expressed to me that so many of Colby's followers wanted peace and love and light, and that being in this group felt like that. It was rewarding to be surrounded by those that cared and wanted to see each other succeed. Life outside the walls of the compound was rough, scary, draining; but inside, it was all love.

Call me cynical, but I don't believe that for a second. It took all the strength I had to keep from rolling my eyes at her. But I could tell from her voice, her motions... she was telling the truth. Well, her truth.

I wanted to know what brought her here, so she spoke of her previous life. She was abused growing up, moved around a lot in foster care. She was almost homeless, and then one day she ran into Colby. He had just begun the Empathic Love group, and she just knew she had to stick with him. Her life immediately turned around the moment he was in her life. The adoration in her eyes told me a different story, so I pressed her - "are you and Colby... together?" She smiled and said no, but she knew that they were life partners before, just not currently.

Oh... so it's one of those types of cults.

She said that Colby doesn't have a second in command, wife, girlfriend, whatever. Everyone is equal and heard. He's just the face of the group, which is a bit ironic given even I have no clue what he looks like. I knew he was young, in his mid-20s. But other than that, no idea.

I needed to know, why stay? What keeps you here? A dreamy look came over her, like she had said this a million times before: "Colby. He is love, and that's all anyone could ask for."

Chills ran up my spine at the tone of her voice. It was dull, and her words sounded like a mantra, the way she said them so easily.

I wrapped up my interview with her, quiring if I was allowed to interview others. She said yes and began sending over random people one-by-one to me.

If I hadn't gotten chills from her first, I would have from everyone else. Something about seeing everyone saying similar things, smiling happily, like the ship isn't sinking around them was eerie. It made my stomach churn when I would ask questions I already asked Avery, and get almost the same speech back.

I interviewed about 15 people. All variety of ages and genders. I suddenly realized that there were no children around, and everyone was over the age of 21.

Consenting adults… minus the supposed brainwashing.

A couple of the interviewees stuck out to me:

Penelope, 25. Her upbringing was similar to Avery's, but she still kept in contact with her family. Apparently, she wasn't the only one like that either. Many still kept in touch and even visited their loved ones. I asked her to describe Colby, tell me anything about him. She giggled, almost like a schoolgirl, and began to weave such a story about him. He was kind and caring. His smile was contagious, just like his laugh. And his singing voice was fantastic. She talked about him like he was a boy band member, and she was his biggest fan. I asked her to give one word to describe him, and she said "Love. He is love, and that's all anyone could ask for."

Greg, 36. He had fallen into rough times, and desired a fresh start. He had heard about this group online, and figured checking them out while he was in town wouldn't hurt. And that was a couple years ago. I wondered why he didn't feel weird listening to someone that was younger than him, and he shrugged. It was nice not having eyes on him. He loved being in a wallflower, and he believed that Colby deserved all the love he got from everyone in the group. Every ounce he got was ten-folded back into the group. Greg had never felt so connected to a group of people and he knew it was all thanks to Colby. "He brought love into my life like I never have had it before. Because that's who he is: love."

Heather, 29. She mentioned how for most of her life she felt like shit. Her confidence was at an all-time low when she met Colby. He encouraged her to keep at it, to love herself and find happiness everywhere. And by spending more and more time with him, she did. She has never felt more confident about herself, her life, her direction, and Colby is the reason for that. The tone that took over her voice when she bought him up was odd. It was very similar to a partner describing the love of their life, almost like wedding vows. I asked her haphazardly about her love life, how that was going for her. And she told me she had been on many dates - something she never used to do back when she was younger or before Colby. But she did note that regardless of who she ends up with, she knows that a part of her heart will always belong to Colby. They were connected, forever. "Love and light and happiness is what I desired, and I got it - all because Colby exists in my life now."

It felt like I was getting nowhere with some of these interviews. Many said the same thing, Colby being love and light and blah blah blah. I wanted someone that wasn't gonna just quote to me whatever mantra he made them learn. And luck was on my side, because I was able to interview their newest member, Ash. They were 23, and very beautiful. There was an almost smugness about them, like they knew they were the shiny new toy on the block. The confidence only a young 20-something year old could have.

I asked them, point blank, about Colby. Be brutally honest. They told me he was hot, and that's what drew them to him. They liked the idea of living in a group setting, especially since they grew up with many brothers and sisters. They liked helping out, and they liked knowing that Colby was keeping an eye on them the most recently. I then followed up with how long it took for them to join the group. "Three days. That's how long it takes for everyone."

I questioned them about the "Colby is love" thing, and they agreed it was a bit strange, but they couldn't help but feel the same way as everyone else. They were like a moth to a flame when it came to him. Everything about him was hypnotizing, entrancing. It was like staring at the sun; even though you knew to look away, you just couldn't help it.

Then I had to know: were they sleeping with him? Most of these cults feed off of the leader fucking every person they wanted to and leaving other members high and dry. But for some reason, it felt as if Colby was sleeping with everyone with the way they all talked about him. Ash dissented, saying no one was sleeping with him. He didn't sleep with any of his followers. But they all shared a deep, sensual mental connection with him. They felt like, sometimes, he was in their soul. And that sensation alone was euphoric, bordering on orgasmic. They also knew that in another life, they would have been together, similar to what Avery said.

It was then I knew that this group was clinically insane, or just really infatuated by what Colby was selling. It had to have been some crazy brainwashing. But it was odd; people were allowed to leave, to see loved ones, to have lives outside of the compound walls. Hell, some had dating lives that included those not here! That's unheard of, and completely stupid on Colby's part if he wants to keep things going.

A cult leader that wanted to watch his world implode.... I had to meet him. I had to meet the myth that was Colby Brock. And tomorrow I get my chance to.

~~~~

Day 2 - Interview with Colby

I feel the need to explain that these are my notes, not really meant for anyone else to see. And really, the only reason anyone would be seeing this is if I disappear or got murdered.

So, I say all of that just so I know, for myself, that this is a safe space for me to express my truest emotions and thoughts after interviewing Colby.

And all I can say, honestly, is that... I get it. I understand it now.

I felt my nerves hit their break last night before going to sleep, unable to stop my mind reeling from what was to come. I ended up bringing along a bodyguard, or really a photographer. I had known Trey since I started working as a journalist, and I knew I could rely on him to get us out of the Empathic Love compound if anything went south. I wasn't sure what I was up against when I went to interview Colby, but God... I didn't think I was so underprepared.

I met him in his office, Avery walked me over to it. It was up in the attic of the third house. It overlooked the entire property with wide windows. For an attic, I expected it to feel dark and dusty, but surprisingly it was light and airy. Almost like being out in the woods and taking a deep breath.

Colby was sitting in his main office chair. He spun around to see us, a light smile on his face. I'll be honest - I was taken aback by his beauty. I understood Ash's whole spiel about him being attractive and looking at him was like looking at the sun. It was intense. He was intense. His blue eyes bore into me, almost like they could see through me. I felt chills, but they weren't of fear. It was out of... excitement, of awe.

He greeted me, giving me a warm handshake. I hate to admit that I almost blushed at the sound of him saying my name. I had to take a couple deep breaths before starting. Avery left the room, and Trey sat outside the door, in case of backup.

I recorded our interview, knowing that I couldn't keep track of everything he said. But listening back to it now, his voice.... it's like a song. A beautiful, spellbinding song. I could almost fall asleep to it....

I asked him about his life, and how he came to be a leader for a group like Empathic Love. He spoke of his upbringing lightly, barely scraping the surface. He talked about growing up pretty normally, having a loving family, a great friend group, and then one day realizing that he could make a change in the world. That many people loved him and loved being around him. And that's when he knew that if he could make their lives better, he would. So, he started Empathic Love. Originally, it was just gonna be a safehouse for those that needed it. But then more and more people joined and suddenly, it grew into what it was today.

I asked where his family was now. "In Kansas," he told me. He said nothing further than that.

He humbly spoke of all the love he received from his followers, or his "friends" as he put it. They all cared about him in a way that he only wished he could return tenfold. I questioned him about the whole "Colby is love" thing. "How come everyone says almost the exact same thing, like they've been brainwashed into saying it?" He didn't even trip over his words as he spoke matter-of-factly to me. "I didn't come up with that phrase, they did. You would have to ask them. I take it as the highest form of a compliment, truly. I'll be honest, it's a bit embarrassing at times when they call me that, but I can't help what they do. I appreciate their love, nonetheless."

I continued asking him about different topics, until finally reaching the one I was most intrigued about. "How many of your followers - excuse me - friends, have you slept with?" He smirked, smirked, at me and said "None. Did any of them tell you that we slept together?"

"No, but the way they talk about you like the sun shines out of your ass does seem a bit odd, don't you think?"

He looked unphased. God, he had an answer for everything. "I'll be honest with you, some of my friends might be in love with me. But I make it abundantly clear that while I love them, and love their love, I don't have feelings for them. I'm still looking for the one."

I remember holding back a glare, "So, you're celibate?"

"Now, I never said that." He let out a chuckle, then his eyes darkened. "Why do you care so much about my sex life? Unless of course, you want to join it."

I tried ignoring his gaze and his words but stuttered through my next question. “Then who exactly is the right one for you, if it's not one of your followers or friends?”

It took him a while to answer, he even closed his eyes for a bit. He sat up once he knew, sauntering over to his window that overlooked it all. "I imagine the one for me is someone that will bring peace to me and my life. Someone that for all my faults, can see who I am truly deep down. She will love me, and I will worship her. I will show her what true love feels like. Our souls will be one, because they always have been."

Something strange came over me. I don't know why I said it, but I uttered, "What about looks?"

Who cares about looks! Why did I ask about looks? I was a serious journalist, not a reporter for Star Magazine!

He looked over his shoulder at me, "Looks aren't that important to me. What matters is mind and soul. Who you are deep down. But if I had to pick… someone like you. I feel someone like you would be a perfect fit around here."

I wanted to give him the sassiest voice and rebuttal I could muster, but deep down I was shaking. Energy raced through my body, like I had been electrified.

He kept his back to me, staring out the window. “I'm not trying to be overly complimentary. I'm just being honest. But I can tell that you would do so well to have us around. To have... me, in your life. I bring a lot of love to people's lives, that's for sure. But I also bring a lot of drive, and passion, and intimacy.”

Intimacy?

“People open up when I'm around. They tell me everything, even things they never dreamt of telling another person. And I allow it, because clearly, they needed to express it. And once they do, it's like the floodgates open. Love and light just start pouring into them, into their life, and it's overwhelming - but so worth it. Doesn't that sound nice?”

I guess so...

“I bring happiness to so many. My friends have told me that they get jittery around me, I'm like a shot of adrenaline. And that energy, that power, courses through them. And when it gets expressed, it comes out in…” He took a long pause, turning back to me. The look in his eyes… I can remember it as if he was still in front of me. “Pleasurable ways.”

I hate admitting this, and it's embarrassing to say it even now, but I felt a jolt of... something, run through me. I won't even say what it was out loud, in fear of never being taken seriously again. But what happened after that, I don't know if words can even express it well.

Colby continued talking, but I couldn't pick up on any of it. He was talking up a storm, but I couldn't help the sensations I was feeling. Even in my wildest of fantasies, I've never felt anything in reality. It was all in my mind. But in that very moment, it felt like it was happening to me.

I felt lips tread up my neck, stopping just below my ear. A hot, low moan breathed into my ear. My spine tingled at the sound, my hands gripping the armrests of the chair. If I didn't know any better, I would think Colby was behind me, making those noises. My hands suddenly felt hands on top of them. My eyes widened, looking down, but nothing was there. I couldn't really move my arms once the invisible hands were there. My whole body felt numb and heavy, relaxed. My mind was the one on edge, worried as to why I was feeling all of this.

I hadn't eaten or drank anything at the compound. Maybe it was being poured into the room by the vents? I don't know, but something was making me feel this way.

The invisible hands drifted up my arms, massaging my shoulders for a moment. My head lulled back, almost hitting the back of the chair. My mind was on high alert, but my body was about ready to fall asleep. The hands relaxed me so much that my eyes began to flutter.

But then... they drifted down my torso. They traced along my neck gently, drawing small, insignificant patterns. The hands grew lower and lower until they finally were on my chest. I felt the hands cup my breasts softly, my breath hitching in my throat. They kneaded my tits gingerly, my nipples hardening in my bra. I bit my lip, praying that I wouldn't make a sound. It was hard not to, especially when the delicate fingers of these invisible hands found my nipples, gently pinching them.

I remember closing my eyes tight. Trying to clear my mind. This wasn't actually happening to me. There was no way. This was a psychosis or a drug hallucination that was happening to me and Colby was doing nothing about it.

One hand drifted down my body, stopping right above my sex. I suddenly became very aware at how wet I was, my eyes widening. I felt a rush of blood flow through my cheeks. I was about to get caught. These invisible hands made me wet, and I couldn't stop them.

And the terrible thing was, I didn't want them to. I wanted them to finish the job. To get me off... in front of Colby. One hand rose back up my body, grabbing my neck and turning my face to look up at him.

A deep voice whispered harshly, "You want him, don't you?"

I didn't say anything, afraid of what would come out. But deep down, I knew.

"Say it, and it's yours. Say you want him. And he'll have you... forever."

I opened my mouth. I felt the words almost leave my lips. I stuttered out something. I closed my eyes, my body feeling high.

And then in a split second, it was all gone. The room grew quiet, and Colby cleared his throat. "Y/N, are you okay? You look flush."

I jolted out of my seat, being able to move freely again. I looked around and realized Colby was sitting once more, staring at me concerned. I finished the interview abruptly, saying I had everything I needed - even though I definitely didn't. And then he uttered words I wish I didn't hear.

"If you want, come back tomorrow. We are having a celebration here. I would love if you came by, even if for an hour."

I nodded, not even really taking in what he said, and left. Trey was confused as to why I bum-rushed out of the room, but I never told him the truth. How could I?

I knew deep down I shouldn't have said yes to go to the party. But getting that footage would be killer for my article. Interviews are great, but a party at a cult compound? That's bound to end terribly (for Colby, but great for me).

But something in me can't shake this feeling that I basically signed myself up for the end. End of what? I'm not sure. But I'll find out tomorrow.

~~~~~~

Stepping back onto the compound made my heart race. I was nervous as all hell, and just wanted this day to be over with already. Today was my last day doing this story. I was counting the minutes to when I could go back to my office and write about how this place was insane, or whatever narrative I planned to write.

I had enough proof that something was up here. All I needed to do was a bit more digging. And during the party is when I planned to do it.

Avery walked up to me, smiling brightly. "Hey, Y/N! How are you doing today?"

"I'm okay. I know it's a bit early, but Colby never specified when the party was going to take place." I replied.

"No, you're totally fine. The party is gonna happen later. Right now, though, we have something going on that you'll definitely want to see." She clapped excitedly.

"Oh? And what is that?" I questioned.

"We are inducting a new member!" she exclaimed giddily. "There's a whole process that we do, and everyone is involved. I imagine that will bode well for your article if you see it firsthand. It's all taking place in that tent."

I stared over at the huge tent, its plastic cover doors strangely inviting.

I hummed, "Sure, I'll be there in a moment."

Avery nodded, turning on her heels and prancing over to the tent, following in other members.

"What's happening in there?" Trey asked.

"Apparently they are inducting someone new into their cult." I informed him.

He blinked. "Group, you mean."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, whatever. Make sure to capture as much as you can."

He shook his camera, giving me a wink, "On it."

We both walked in, many members still up and around, giving everyone hugs and chatting. Avery waved me down, patting the seat next to her. I walked over and sat. My body tingled in anticipation. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. My breathing picked up as everyone grew silent, the doors opening. Colby walked in, and people rushed to their seats.

Colby called out, "Hello everyone, good morning."

"Good morning, Colby." Everyone said in unison.

Jesus, that was creepy.

"A lot of things are going to be different today. First, we have guests watching our festivities. Y/N and Trey. Everyone, give them a hand." He gestured to the two of us.

The tent exploded in applause, Avery evening rubbing my back sweetly. It felt like I was being congratulated on something I didn't achieve, my cheeks flushing at the acknowledgement.

"And secondly, sadly, the new member we were going to have decided not to stay." He frowned, his face dropping.

Members gasped, some audible "oh no" echoed around the tent. Colby nodded his head sympathetically. “I know, but fret not. I think this will be a learning experiment for our new guests. We can still do our traditional motions of having someone join us. But, imagine it as if it's a mock ceremony instead. Ms. Y/N, would you please step up here?”

My heart stopped when he looked into my eyes, the first time since yesterday. I glanced at Avery, who grinned enthusiastically. She pushed me out of my seat, my body following her lead. I gazed around, finding Trey, who pulled away from his camera with a concerned look. I stumbled up the walkway, stepping on stage with Colby.

Colby lowered his voice so I could only hear him, moving away from the microphone. "I know you wanted to know about how we induct someone into our little home, so I figured why not use you as an example? We aren't actually inducting you, in case you’re worried. This is just what would happen if you were joining. Are you okay with that?"

I gazed around the huge, white tent, making eye contact with many people in the audience. They all looked so eager, waiting to hear my response. Some were even shaking with excitement.

I stuttered, feeling Colby squeeze my hands to bring my attention back to him, "I-I guess so."

"Fantastic." He turned, still holding one of my hands, "Alright everyone, you know the drill."

The crowd cheered, suddenly many lining up to a microphone at the side of the stage. Colby lightly pulled me to a cushioned throne, sitting me down. "So here's what's going to happen. People are going to come up to that microphone, and they are going to give you plenty of love. Genuine love. And then the next person will go, and so on until everyone has spoken."

"Everyone here? Like, all hundred plus of you?" I whispered.

"Yes. It's gonna be a while, so get cozy." He laughed, rubbing my shoulders.

Time felt frozen as slowly everyone came up and said something nice about me. Some were quick, mostly just commenting on how nicely I dressed or how the stories I had covered in the past were interesting and thoughtful. But others, it's like they could see into my soul and point out the exact thing I was insecure about. Everyone was complimentary and it was nice, but exhausting.

The line had dwindled down, and the next person to speak was Avery.

She stepped up the microphone, giving me a huge smile. "Hi, Y/N. I know we don't know each other that well, but I feel like I've known you my whole life. These couple days of getting to know you, being interviewed by you, have just been the highlight of my life. You are such a lovely presence to be around, and you deserve all the success you've gotten these last couple years."

Lots of people in the crowd nodded, agreeing with Avery. She continued, taking a deep breath, "I wanted to add - you are so deserving of love. You are easy to love too, and I hope that you are surrounded by people that make you feel that way. I know that this is just a mock ceremony, but I truly believe you would be such a great addition to us. I know you don't trust us, but I hope that soon you will find that you have a safe place here. Even if you never come back here again. This is your home now, and forever will be."

My chest heaved suddenly, tears welling up in my eyes. What the fuck is happening right now? Why was I crying at what she said? Sure, it was sweet and kind, but... how did she know I needed to hear that?

I turned my head, wiping the tears before anyone could see them fall. The crowd clapped as Avery left, going back to her seat.

The last couple people were a blur, my mind still hanging onto Avery's words. Suddenly, a hand was placed on my shoulder, jolting me out of my thoughts. I gazed up, seeing Colby's beautiful face staring down at me.

"The ceremony is done. Now, time to party."

~~~~~~

It had been a couple hours since the ceremony, my body feeling almost numb but jittery all at the same time. It was hard to shake all the love and words that were thrown my way today. Sure, some were probably just lying and saying random things because they had to, because they were conditioned to. But it freaked me out how some just... hit the right spots, knew my insecurities.

The party itself was fine. Two of the houses had parties happening in them, and since all three houses were connected, you could leave one and walk into another. There was a dancefloor full of people, and multiple fully stocked bars. Tons of food was at each table. It honestly looked like an adult prom. But I wasn't in a partying mood. Trey, on the other hand, was enjoying himself immensely. Girls and guys surrounded him, laughing at his jokes and bringing him plates of food and wine. One girl kept rubbing his thigh, staring at him longingly.

I wanted to leave. I had had enough of today, and I just wanted to be as far away from Empathic Love as I could be. I decided fresh air was what I needed, so I got up and slid out the back door of one of the houses, taking a deep breath. There were still too many people around, but I noticed the last house, the one with Colby's office in it, had no lights on and no one around it. I walked through the yards, stopping once I was by the back porch of the third house.

I sighed, leaning back against a railing. I could still hear the party going on, almost getting louder now that I wasn't there. I shook my head, feeling overwhelmed.

“Hey, Y/N. Fancy seeing you here." Colby's voice broke through my thoughts.

I exhaled. “Hi, Colby.”

He cocked his head, “Are you doing okay? You seem... upset.”

I felt this sudden rush of anger, knowing in reality he was to blame for all of this. “No, I'm not doing alright. I want to go home, I'm extremely overwhelmed by this party and all the people around here. That ceremony was too much for me to deal with, and the only way for me to get out of here is Trey and he's getting rubbed down by your followers!”

He took a step back, putting his hands up defensively. “Woah, that was a lot. You must have needed that release.”

I glared, “You think?”

“Look, I get it. It's a lot to take in. I myself don't love going to all these parties. It can be really overwhelming and if I'm honest, it gives me a lot of anxiety,” he admitted casually.

“You get anxiety?” I scoffed, “How? Everyone here loves you.”

“I know. That's the stressful part!” He sat on the railing, turning to me. “I'm the leader of this family. I have to make all the right decisions, and sometimes that means upsetting some of the people closest to me. Not to mention, so many eyes are on me, and it's just all too much sometimes. Even if you think this group is a cult, I still care for everyone here. I make sure they are fed, have a job, and have a life outside of here. And that's a lot to take on.”

“How do you deal with all of it, then?” I questioned.

“Patience. And a lot of alone time when I can get it - through meditation, specifically,” he laughed. “I was actually going to go meditate before I found you. Would you like to join me?”

I shook my head. “No, I'm good.”

“Are you sure? Look, at the very least, it will get you away from the party and all the noise. You don't even have to join me, you can just... sit in the room with me while I do it.” He argued, shrugging his shoulders.

I gazed at the party, everyone had grew rowdier while we were talking, and I didn't even notice. But my head felt like it was spinning from the noise alone. I sighed, nodding my head. Colby smiled, opening the door to the house, and I walked in first. I followed him up to his office, sitting down on his couch as he sat in the center of the room on the floor.

I raised an eyebrow. “That's where you meditate?”

“Yeah, I know it's a bit silly. But I feel so much more grounded... on the ground.” He replied cheekily.

I snickered, sitting back and watching him. He crossed his legs, resting his palms on his knees. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He took multiple breaths until they were low and shallow. I furrowed my brow, my eyes never leaving his form.

It almost seemed like he was asleep, or in a hypnosis of some sort. He was completely still and silent. A dull glow appeared at the top of his head, growing brighter and larger. I leaned away from him, my eyes widening at the sight. What the fuck is that...?

An aura grew around him, surrounding him completely. He didn't move, unfazed by it. His eyes remained closed, and with each breath it grew.

"How... are you doing that?" I uttered, my mouth a gape.

"Doing what?" He spoke in a monotone voice.

"That... aura. How are you doing that?" I pressed.

“I've always been able to do it since I was young. You can get closer if you want to.” He suggested.

How did he know I was still far away?

I stepped off the couch, moving closer to him. I kept my distance, but the aura was almost pulling me in. It was beautiful, the light reflecting and growing bigger. I was almost engulfed by it, but it stopped right before getting to me. I could feel its warmth, its energy. It was calling to me, beckoning me to step towards it.

The aura wrapped around me, filling me with light and love. Or at least that's what it felt like. I gasped at the sensation, my legs shaking underneath me. I breathed in deeply, my lungs filling up with fresh air. I didn't feel like I was in the room anymore. I felt like I was flying, the world almost zooming around me.

“Let your body relax, Y/N. I know it's so much to take in.” Colby’s calming voice spoke.

I felt my body give out on me, falling onto the soft rug. I laid down on my back, staring up at the ceiling. Visions began to swirl in my mind and around me.

How is any of this happening?

He answered, reading my mind. “Because of me. Because of us. Because of the connection you and I share.”

My body felt very heavy, unable to move even if I wanted to. I could move my eyes, and out of the corner of them, I saw Colby stand up. The aura remained around us, almost engulfing the entire room.

“You know, I knew the moment you stepped foot on to the compound's grounds, you were going to like it here. You were going to stay.” He smiled sincerely, gazing down at my body.

I blinked, confused. “What? I-I don't plan to-“

He cut me off, “This is the final step, Y/N. Everyone gave you love, people celebrated you, and now... I'm allowing you in.”

I wanted to shake my head, but couldn’t. “But I don't want to join.”

He chuckled, “Yes you do. If you didn't want it, none of this would have worked on you. You wouldn't be seeing what is directly in front of your eyes.”

The visions morphed around me, suddenly showing Colby and I. But we weren't us, we were different people, at a different point in time. But I could feel it was us. We were in love, growing a family together. Our lives were beautiful.

What the fuck is this?

“That is our past, or present, or future,” he winked. “The thing is, Y/N, I never seek out anyone. They all seem to find me.”

“That's not true, you emailed my boss about being interviewed.” I remarked.

"Oh, you are so forgetful, Y/N. You emailed us, begging to interview me and anyone else that said yes. I only agreed because I knew you wanted to meet with me. You sounded very eager to join in your email." Colby pulled out a piece of paper, reading from it happily, "Dear whoever reads this, I'm hoping to score an interview with your group, Empathic Love, for an article I am writing. I would love to meet Colby, and really pick apart his brain on why he created said group. Maybe I could even join if you guys win me over. Please let me know if any of this sounds of interest to you. Sincerely, Y/N of Global Gazette."

He leaned down, staring into my eyes mischievously, "Now does that sound like someone that didn't want to be here?"

My heart raced, suddenly scared. “Why don't I remember writing that?”

“I couldn't tell you. All I know is you wanted to be here. And there's a reason for it.” He sat down on the ground next to me. I wanted to get up and run, but my body stayed still, heavy. “Growing up, I realized very early on that certain people just... gravitated to me. A lot of women, yes. But really it was anyone. And not only did they gravitate towards me, they became obsessed with me. At first, I was confused, uninterested in ever going through that. Who wants someone obsessed with them? But then I realized how much good I could do with so many people rallying behind me.”

He continued, “As I got older, my ability, or power, or whatever it is - grew twice as strong. Suddenly, all the people around me followed me, did anything and everything I could ask for. Then, I began getting visions, and I understood why this was the case. Everyone here: we had a past life together. Their souls and mine have always been connected. They find me and then continue to stay. And almost always, they fall in love with me. It's just so glorious.”

“You're insane.” I mumbled.

He hummed, “Interesting, especially since you’re seeing the same things I am.”

It was true. The whole time he spoke, I saw vision after vision of our past lives together. We were always destined to meet, destined to be with one another.

“But the thing is, I know you're different from all the rest. You and I, we are meant to be together forever. You are meant to love me forever, and I am meant to love you. That's why my abilities affect you so greatly.” Colby divulged.

“What if I say no? What if I want to leave?” I grunted, trying to shake free.

“You've had the ability to go all this time. You just don't want to. You know how much love I can give you. You know how much pleasure I can give you as well.” He bit his lip, his eyes snaking up and down my body, “You've known that since yesterday, haven't you?”

Blood rushed to my cheeks, memories of yesterday played in my head.

“And do you know what’s crazy about that? That's not even half the pleasure I can give you.” Colby kneeled next to me, a devilish smile on his lips. His hand lightly brushed my face, cupping my warm cheek sweetly.

A burst of arousal raced through me, my body spasming in ecstasy. “Oh my God!”

“I know, it's a lot to take in. But I just want to make you feel good, darling. You deserve it.” He leaned in slowly, “You are mine, after all.”

"This is what your followers meant by a deep and sensual mental connection," I groaned, feeling hands all over my body, touching me in the most lustful of ways. "You got inside their heads and mentally fucked them."

“...That's one way of wording it. But if they didn't trust me, if they didn't already want me, it wouldn't happen.” He winced playfully, “So in reality, it's your fault.”

“Fuck you.” I growled.

“But baby, that's what's happening,” Colby laughed darkly. “Those hands, those kisses and bites... that's all mine. I can tell you're losing it. You want me real bad, but you don't want to admit it. I get it, you’re overwhelmed.”

I felt like my body was getting electrocuted with pleasure. My hips grinded into the air, needing some form of relief. My nipples strained against my bra, wanting any form of touch. I closed my eyes tightly, embarrassment rolling through me as I felt my damp panties against my sex.

Fuck, he was right. I did want this, and him.

I didn't even need to say it out loud. Suddenly I felt a cock slid inside of me, too easily from how wet I had become. I ripped my eyes open, looking around. Colby was watching me from his chair, smirking.

He palmed his hardening dick through his jeans. “Imagine how much better it would be if I was actually inside of you, filling you up with every. fucking. inch.”

I thought about screaming Trey’s name. Maybe he could help me.

He grimaced, rolling his eyes. “He won’t do anything for you, sweetheart. He joined our group just a couple weeks ago. Right around the time you sent the email. So really, you have all the more reason to join us.”

“Even if I join this cult, I will never stay here. I will leave here and never come back.” I hissed.

“And that is your choice to make. But Y/N,” his gaze lowered at me, his eyes intense. “You will never be satisfied. You got barely a taste of what I can offer you, and you're gonna want it forever. Just like everyone else here.”

“You're a- fuuuuuucckk!” I moaned, the cock inside of me hitting my spot deeper. I caught my breath, glaring at him. “Y-You're a freak.”

“Says the girl almost coming to my invisible dick.” He spat, clenching his jaw.

I bit my lip, annoyed at how right he was. The hands exploring my body gripped my ass, slapping it lustfully.

“Okay, okay. I'll agree with you. I am a bit of a freak of nature. But let's not act like I'm some monster. I let people leave. But they always come back because they choose to. I can't force people that far. Pinky promise,” He stuck his pinky out, and I rolled my eyes defiantly. He huffed, “It's not like this place is Scientology, for Christ's sake. We are love. I am love.”

“You are the most tainted form of love that I've ever met.” I retorted, gripping the rug to hide my building arousal.

He deadpanned, “Ow. That hurt.”

Colby strutted over to me, laying down right beside me. The pleasure grew more intense, my hips bucking desperately. His one hand hovered over me, never touching me. It didn't matter, because having him this close felt like his whole body was on top of mine, fucking me hastily.

“If you allow yourself to enjoy this feeling, you might actually come. Because I won't force you to. I'll just keep you here, for hours, riving in pleasure until your brain melts into goo.” He smirked, “How's that sound?”

"I-I hate you." I gritted my teeth. Why did I feel like I was lying?

"No you don't. But soon you'll be able to admit the truth." He leaned his mouth in close, his voice low and sincere, "I know that this place might not be what you imagined your home to be like, but it is. You will always have a place here. You will always be loved here. And I know that's what you want deep down. To be loved unconditionally. To have every fiber of your being satisfied. And if you let me, I will do that. I will please you every night, however you want me to. But for me to do that, you have to let me in. You have to let love in."

The cock inside of me pounded faster and faster. I could barely think anymore. The only thing on my mind... was him. The lives we had together, the life we could be having. I knew I shouldn't want it, but I did. I wanted him in my life, forever. He was what was missing, and I couldn't live one more day without him.

I mewled loudly, my hips thrusting up erotically. Colby's hand cupped my face gently, turning my head to look him in the eyes.

His alluring eyes stared deep into mine, his jaw clenched. "You will always be mine. I am love, and that is all you could ask for."

"You are love, and that's all I could ask for." I repeated mindlessly, grabbing onto his arm desperately.

His face softened, “That's right baby. You're such a good girl for me. My good girl, forever. You want that, don't you?”

“Yessss, please Colby. I want to be yours forever.” I keened.

"You will be. I promise, you will always be mine." His eyes darkened, the pupils almost completely blown out. "You will never leave."

"I won't!" I trembled, my orgasm building closer and closer to the edge.

“You wanna come, Y/N? Get close for me. Don't I feel so good inside of you? You like when I do this?” Colby's hand snaked down my body, rubbing my clit sensually.

I begged wantonly, dying to come. "Pleaseeeeee! Please let me come! I need it! I need you."

"Of course you do, baby. You and I need each other. Our connection is unlike anyone else's. Tell me the truth and I'll let you come." He leaned in close, his lips brushing against my ear, "Tell me, baby. Say it..."

"I love you," I cried out, right on the edge. I direly wanted him to say it back, knowing it was already the truth.

“I love you too, baby,” he smiled sweetly, kissing my cheek. “Now, come for me.”

Hot, white pleasure shot through my body. I had the strongest orgasm of my life, my mind shattering as I rode every wave of pleasure that went through me. Colby stayed by my side, shushing me as my high lowered down more and more. He kept whispering 'I love you' repeatedly, my mind unable to hear or think anything else after a while.

I blacked out at some point but awoke when my body was lifted off the floor and placed softly into a bed. “Wha... happenin?” I slurred.

“Relax, darling. I just brought you to my bed. Well, our bed now,” he chuckled. “I want you to get your rest because tomorrow is a big day for you.”

“What's tomorrow?” I murmured.

“Your introduction to everyone as my soulmate.” Colby informed happily, tucking me in. “Everyone will be so pleased that you changed your mind about joining us.”

I nodded my head, snuggling deep into his bed. He dimmed the lights, whispering softly, "Welcome home, Y/N."

[theeio]

If u have the time could you pls give us ur jim analysis based on this post im very interested in hearing it

headsup for some heavy mental health talk:

so my interpretation of jim, and the reason why i drew him the angsty way i did was because i looked at his character in ToA from like, a mental illness metaphor perspective. i dont think(?) it was ever the showrunner’s intention to do that, but its just a personal way i viewed it bc i saw and felt a lot of his struggles between the lines of the series.

like in episode 6: Win Lose or Draal- where Jim thinks hes going to get killed in battle, writes letters to his loved ones, cooks a last meal for his mom, felt and acted like was the last day he was going to live. Claire interpreting his letter to her that he was talking about having “internal monsters” and “being in some kind of trouble” didnt help much as well AHAH

jim hiding so much from his mom, that one shot in season 1 episode 12 or 13 where he hides the damage on his arms from the goblins behind his back-AHHHHH

and dont get me started on the bathtub scene in A House Divided like idk what the showrunners were thinking doing that but okay i guess😭 that one made me sob on the floor like TWICE

and Jimhunters-god that really felt like your life being altered, and seeing everything in a much darker lens when going through depression. the first time i watched it and when Jim ran to the school rooftop i was legitimately horrified and scared out of my MIND but thank god they didn’t go much beyond that. STILL. thanks for the heart attack 😭😭😭

so back to the tags on that post:

i never liked a hero w a thousand faces because of how chaotic and exaggerated everything was but i guess its because it was different parts of jim split and personified.

but i guess it just messed me up seeing that episode again and having Hunter Jim, the highest functioning one out of them all being the one hunting HIMSELF DOWN, one by one. it really felt like a lot of self loathing going on, and he literally was looking to “kill” other parts of himself, and then the Real Jim as a whole. sorry that was jumbled up and a lot but it was what made me go like

thats kinda the gist of how i saw some moments of Jim’s character back then, and i guess it explains why so much of my art leans towards angst and that hurt comfort, because of all those interpretations i had going on in my head. it was rough a couple years back and this series helped me to reflect and process a lot of what happened and the feelings i had, through Jim. it was a like a safe little sandbox i could toss around in and it genuinely helped so much in healing :”D!! so yeah its more of a personal take, but hope this answers ur question?

ty for sending this ask!! hope you’re well💖💖💖

[shanieveh]

hanie's masterlist !

— i write mostly various because i can never be loyal to one man for too long

— they all/almost include my faves except for part twos: kaveh, scaramouche, kaeya, alhaitham

— uhm me subcategory them or saying the men involved in these fics... is for another day im tired

— all of them are sfw please i repeat DONT request nsfw works i see you on asks even if anonymous. yes there's profanity or suggestive innuendos in my first smau but PLEASE i do not write those stuff and im VERY MUCH uncomfortable with people requesting them thankssss <3

works (genshin impact)—

rosemary dreams and sweet lullabies

— the comfort of sleep when he is beside you, the moment when you cared more about the reality of the moment rather than the dreams that come along with it

how you love the genshin men

— how you love them depending on their personality and if they liked you back (some didnt angst ensues but there is fluff i promise)

the day... the music died

— you died, their reaction (some gore? idk)

i like you so much, you'll know it pt. 1

—the things they do for love

im in love with you, and know you know pt. 2

— the things they do for love also just different characters i dont really care about.... but they are kinda cool so its OKAY

call me, "lover boy"

— courting you and what made you like them back

being the genshin men's first priority

— they forget everything and anything when you're in the picture. you are all that matters (did i write this during a mental breakdown when i realize how unimportant i am to everyone? yes)

dangerously yours

— wdym this is based on anakin skywalker?! it is. enemies to lovers, you're the hero and he is the villain

salut d'amour

— based on the love of elgar (the creator of salut d'amour) to his wife though not the same plot just that love and affection you feel during the piece

genshin men crushing on you

— self-explanatory. grown adult men pining over you, should be just kaveh but i got carried away and added them all because why not?

10 things i hate about you

— red flags of genshin men based on the poem from the same name (pls watch it) and how ur blind from all the signs (or u just pretend)

i was enchanted to meet you

— first meetings with them cute and wholesome i guess

haunted by the ghost of you

— all alone they still can't help but feel another presence, as memories barely buried resurfaced his mind, of a quieter time, of a simpler life.

karma is my boyfriend

— more crack than fluff fic about how the genshin men will obliterate those that dare hurt you like who would???

when im no longer young and beautiful

— growing old with them (personal fave)

crying in the genshin men' arms

— you cry, they comfort, fluff ensues

"who did this to you?"

— you're hurt and for some reason enemy!genshin men are concerned and doing everything to make you feel better

"forget me not" (neuvillette)

—fontaine is experiencing heavy typhoons and severe floods, and you might just be the reason why

please don't take my sunshine away...

—can't sleep? maybe a lullaby can help :)

to all the boys i've loved before

— you made a letter to your crush, he likes you back, chaos ensues in how he responsed

when you know, you know

— soulmates are a fantasy made by hopeless romantics, but as soon as he saw you he started to doubt that. he was in love.

"what letters?"

— he ghosted your letters is a sign he never loved you, and as you move on your life he comes back, only to tell you a shocking revelation.

"hey are you still there?" "good."

— only needed when everything goes wrong, when he's no longer in her arms. you felt used. but do you stop? never, he was worth it. (inspo by NIKI's song: backburner)

works (honkai star rail) —

the best thing that's ever been mine

— capturing the mind, the heart, the body and the soul of honkai star rail men

when you know, you know

— soulmates are a fantasy made by hopeless romantics, but as soon as he saw you he started to doubt that. he was in love.

[hazelfoureyes]

To add onto the ace conversation, I wanna add my journey!

TW it gets kinda heavy at the end-

My journey was literally SO messy omg and this is gonna sound so silly but

My mom and I used to watch this show called rupauls drag race when I was little. I used to think the men were pretty and all when they were out of drag but WHEN THEY WERE IN DRAG??? omg I was in love, I thought they were so pretty 😭. NOW YOU CAN SEE WHY THIS IS CONFUSING. Technically, they are men, but they look like women, and you only like them when they look like women. I was scared and confused with this newfound information so I repressed it 💀

During my teen years, ig I was just like everyone else, a lil sex obsessed freak (idk how to put it but YKNO HOW PEOPLE ACTED IN HIGH SCHOOL 😭 ). Watch porn, reading smut, the whole shebang. I eventually found out I like both girls and boys (with a preference for girls). BUT one day I sat down and realized I haven’t had a real crush with a real life person since like elementary school 🧍‍♀️

Everyone was losing their virginity’s and talking about how great sex was and blah blah blah. It’s embarrassing but I thought sex was gonna be AWESOME and I COULD NOT WAIT to just GET RID of mine 💀. Like if I lost my virginity it would put everything in place.

Jump forward to when I’m 19-20 and I get my first “real” boyfriend. I was kinda out? I was telling my friends what I was bisexual. I told my boyfriend when we were in the “talking stage” and he was really supportive, or so I thought, long story short he was just like, THE WORST PERSON EVER. He was sexually/emotionally abusive, 0/10 person.

⚠️TW: S*XUAL ASSAULT, DR*GS, R*PE⚠️

⚠️ I wanna say that I’m only laughing about this because it’s my coping mechanism ig but I just wanna say that there was multiple instances that he used to take advantage of me while I was under the influence and then gaslight me into thinking it was ok the day after.

If they’re is ANYONE reading this that is in a situation like I was in, please for the love of god leave them. NO it’s NOT normal. They don’t love you. The abuse will only get worse the longer you stay. ⚠️

And on top of all that HE OUTED ME 🧍‍♀️ so that was fun. Anyways back to the sex, it was bad. I thought men not knowing where the clit is was a meme but it’s true 😭 mans would rub my left lip for 5 minutes and act if I came. Losing my virginity DID NOT “put everything in place”. Well i guess maybe it did in a sense. I never wanted to do it again.

But on the other hand, I’ve read that sex is a beautiful thing. Deep down, some parts of me yearn to have that special connection with someone. I want to feel what real love is. What it’s really like to make love. And not just have someone tell me they love me while they selfishly use me. Words are just words but I know there has to be more to it.

Anyways that’s where my journey is right now, I’ve been doing some real soul searching these past few months. Tumblr has really helped me in trying to figure this whole thing out. Am I ace? Idk. But it’s what I closely resonate with for the time being.

God labels are confusing as hell 😭 why can’t I just be me

I’m me-sexual 🥳

I was a little worried at first sharing this as it is heavy! But, the fact is, sometimes we are waiting for someone to bring up a heavy topic so we can share/vent our own story. Certain heavy topics just...don't come up often or organically. So I hope if someone needs it they can use this as a reason to start a conversation they've been waiting for a chance to have!

What happened to you was beyond unacceptable treatment and I am so so sorry you had to suffer through that literal abuse. I suffered through quite a bit myself and it really skewed and damaged my relationship to sex for a long time in ways I couldn’t perceive so I absolutely hear you! It sounds like you’re doing the heavy lifting of trying to heal and be a fully formed you and I’m so proud of you! The hardest part is acknowledging that hey, maybe there’s some shit still left to figure out about myself.

As you continue in life you may find your awful experiences had some effect on how you view and enjoy (or not enjoy) sex.

I am a huge advocate for sexual health, in knowing yourself intimately for your own pleasure but also for safety and comfort!

I really hope you’ve taken time to learn about yourself and what things you like and don’t like when it comes to physical pleasure. If that’s something you have an interest in!

Personally I’ve thought I hated things and later realized nooo I just experienced it first with someone terrible at it. 😅 but when I did it I found it kicked ass. (**cough** anal **cough cough*)

There is more to sex, I hear! I’ve never made love and the idea is so unattractive to me, but! Darling, sex does exist thats full of love and connection and meaning that serves so many more purposes than getting off. So I’m adamantly told! If it’s something you want I hope you find someone or someones who can provide it. 🥺

It’s so funny you mention horny teenagers because in middle school and into high school everyone was pairing up. And I thought, “Relationships are what you do when you want sex. And I don’t need sex. I’m still young. So… why would I get a boyfriend? My friends fulfill my needs otherwise.” (Still….so closeted 😂)

Because I was aromantic and the term just like—- didn’t exist in my world so I didn’t know, I didn’t realize people were dating for non-sex reasons 💀 but then I got a boyfriend and had sex in high school and was like “OH SHIT THIS IS THE BEST?? AM I A NYMPHO NOW. MY HAND COULD NEVER?”

The beautiful thing about still being here is that you have the freedom and the time to decide or not decide anything! Research, talk to people and read in forums of people learning to find their place. Question everything— are there parts of people you find sexually attractive? If yes, okay let’s start there! I realized I was pansexual first because of my attraction to androgyny. “I’m not a lesbian—- dick good. But also… pussy good??? Tits good??? That person could have any of those things and.. I don’t care? I still want them carnally?!”

If no sexual attraction to people at all (pretty standard definition Ace in that case!), then okie dokie, totally can still want to enjoy sex! It’s more than about sexual attraction as we are cerebral creatures. That’s still valid! If you did want to be physically intimate are there things you’d be okay with doing and not doing? Or things you’d want to do that maybe you couldn’t with certain people? Is your idea of what sex is being really narrowed down being of the culture you’re in? Just some questions for yourself. So many things to consider if you haven’t already! Not for finding a label but making sure you can express what you want and need when you’re in a situation to receive it. 💝

I didn’t know anything about Asexuality until hazbin and that made me look at my partner and be like “yoooooo I know you’re an older Japanese man but I have a new English word for you to learn.”

Before I knew pansexuality existed I told people who asked my sexuality, “I’ve never been disappointed when someone got naked.” Because I didn’t identify with the “women and men” definition of bisexuality, the gender didn’t matter and the sexual organs were all just bonuses for me. But I didn’t know a word existed for how I felt.

And hey, it got the point across! I lacked a community to feel welcomed in but I was still able to love and be loved how I wanted to be and that’s the most important part of this. As long as you can still articulate what you want and need in this stage of your life then baby cakes you’re doing perfectly fine in your journey! Which it sounds like you already know very well 💖🥹

[distant--shadow]

I don’t know how to reconcile my love for Imodna and my fear that they’re going to not be end game… which is causing me a fear of purchasing artworks. Do you have any advice?

I’m afraid I’ll do it, hang it, love it and be completely heartbroken and want/need to take it down. OR, they do end up together, I don’t buy the art and then the art won’t be available that long down the line. I have stress and fear..

Sorry if this is dumb

hey there! first off, it ain't dumb. I know I freak out a little bit at the reality of when this campaign will be over, and I was the same with c2, jester was my character of all time and I had been watching live since the first episode aired, it's a lot of time to spend with a character/characters and real understandable to feel that way. it's always bittersweet, but life moves on

and I guess that's it, you have to enjoy what you enjoy whilst you have it. this is a show that's a lot like life, in that your favourite character could easily die one week without much rhyme or reason, no scripted foreshadowed build up. so give yourself to enjoying that thing whilst its here, share that enjoyment with others, and know that in the future there won't be an empty void - there will be something else.

speaking from the point of view of an artist, yeah, of course I think any of us would really appreciate the support, it's rough times, and once again, i can say from experience it's real nice to have that artwork there to see whilst you care about it. enriched environment and all that. and it's hard to say who's enthusiasm will stay, whether the couple is still together in canon or not, or once the show is over. I'm not someone who dabbles in more than one fandom at a time and this is the most I've committed myself to one, personally, but also personally, I'm a slutty aromantic so like whilst I do really care for imodna as a ship and all of that, it's kinda always been Imogen first for me. a whole lot of us were invested in them as a couple before it happened, I'm sure a lot of us would have been invested in it regardless, and we can still love what we were given either way. I love the story of it, I think for me the bump in the road makes it even more interesting, and something we haven't really been given by a CR romance during the campaign before (maybe we had in c1 idk I didn't watch it)

also, getting personal again, I'm also old enough to be of a generation where there wasn't a lot of queer rep. there was a lot of settling for subtle glances and heavy subtext. what we've had already has been so good, I really enjoy it, I love that we're already passed a time of like, well we don't have a lot of queer rep so everything we do has to be all lawful good alligned flowers and smiles and basically rebranded heteronormative fairytale romance but with coming-out grief, it's so far from beauyasha baybeeeee endgame and honestly for me that's perfect. these two have always had great charisma acting together and I love the layers and complexities we get from these two particular characters working out being in a romantic relationship with the burdens they carry, those years they had together before the campaign started and all of that ground we can play with, how they saved eachother...

have fun, try not to stress about being legitimised by others, enjoy your corners of fandom and fic and art and meta and interactions and your own conclusions and attractions and relations. take all the joy you can from the little things in life. make them as big as you want them to be.

[cru5h-cascades]

Chapter 2: Cru5h Beefs With a Fictional Teacher Man

Spoiler shield! If you haven't played through chapter 2 in its entirety play the chapter and come back afterwards! If you have, then feel free to keep reading I guess.

So, chapter 2... let's hop to it!

The reason why the bag detail wasn't released to the public was so that nobody would try copying the crimes and make it harder for the murders to be solved. Personally I don't see the point in that since there was also the detail of the bags being old. Who'd go out of their way to get some old bags to replicate these murders? Surely that sort of distinct detail would help differentiate the actual murders from the copycat ones... right?

There was a suspect for the OG murders! But he went missing. Kinda weird we didn't get a name reveal or anything if this could be vital info for the case.

Missing Man and Missing Boy/Kuze's brother are two different entities. It's unknown if Kuze's brother is dead or not or if he has anything to do with the murders from 18 years ago but after his disappearance the murders stopped for some reason. I don't have much else to say here besides the fact that that's kinda weird.

First mention of paranormal activity not involving the funny bag man! For context, somebody called a cab for [insert protagonist name here], but it's never specified who. Just another detail I wanted to point out.

Also in the cab scene it's mentioned that a motorcycle was in the area of Eisuke's murder. I have my doubts that whoever was riding that thing is responsible for the murder since apparently that motorcycle was there like every night and I doubt Eisuke frequently visited the pump station to sulk around over there.

Prior to the murder, Eisuke seemed to have it all together, at least in front of others, anyways. Considering what his fam had to say about the night of his murder, some shit was definitely going on with him behind the scenes...

And now... cru5h goes on a rant about Fukuyama...

WE GOT TO SEE THIS MF'S FREAKINESS IN ACTION!!! TALKING ABOUT DEATH IN GENERAL/THE MURDER SPECIFICALLY(?) MAKES HIM GET WEIRD!!!! BRO ESPECIALLY GOT WEIRD WHEN ONE OF EISUKE'S FRIENDS GOT MENTIONED (Megumi? I forget her name. The one Eisuke may or may not have had a crush on or whatever)!!!

If Fukuyama had a meeting to go to then why did he take the time to get interviewed by Ayumi? And why did he up and leave mid-conversation only to come rushing back (in a scene that actually kinda startled me; I did not expect him to come back so fast lol)?

Fukuyama is in his 20s right now so he's defo not the OG killer. Copycat murder? Maybe? Or alternatively, what I think might be the case, PROXY FOR THE OG?? Idk he's just SO. DAMN. SUS. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

And that's everything new that I thought I should bring up. Of course some stuff might have been left out since it's just what we've known already from the website or whatever.

The Language of Flowers, the final part of the demo coming out next week on the 27th, most likely will have heavy focus of Emio's backstory (and not just the eggplant flowers specifically but that's probably gonna be mentioned as well) so WHOOO MORE SMILING MAN LORE!!!

[zarient]

7 summers

cassian x fem!reader ,, she/her prns

part 2 soon

warnings: angst, kinda modern au cs hear me out bat boys as baseball players??? no mating bonds we love like men!! let's imagine the Illyrians can morph cs can you imagine playing baseball with heavy ass wings? exactly.

this is like sooo rushed lmfaoo just bare with me i've yet to write anything really angsty so srry if its bad idk but i'll take criticism

everyones POV i guess

based off this songgg. i literally love morgan wallen so much

Three centuries, three centuries– that's a long time to be with someone. You learn and study each other, get used to each other and embrace everything the other has to offer. You experience with each other and grow together as one. Connecting deeper than most.

"I just need space." His voice is so far, so empty and nonchalant, how long had he been planning this? you think.

"Space? Space for what?" You're confused. The pit in your stomach growing, knowing what's coming.

"For myself Y/n I don't know, why else would I need space." He cracks a bit frantically shrugging, his tone sarcastic.

"Oh so what, you're overwhelmed now!?, after being in a relationship for three centuries!?" You scoff, voice raising out of frustration.

"Please don't make this harder for me Y/n."

"Harder!? For you!? What the actual fuck." you sigh exasperated and blinking away tears. "Fuck you Cassian, actually. You can get the fuck out now." You point to the door, accepting this fate.

With a long sigh and a hard rub at his face he nods with a quiet yup and turns to leave.

━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━

He tried to forget.

Pushed his muscles past their limits to forget. Let his body ache for days after to forget that night.

He stayed after you told him to leave, was outside your door for hours listening to your sobs. Regretting. He thought what he was doing was right for him, for you.

Baseball had been his priority and you knew that and you loved him for being so passionate about it. No matter what happened with the sport you stayed beside him, you loved him through his sour attitudes after a losing game, you loved him when he had to leave too soon for meetings.

You loved him.

And he let that go because he thought you'd leave him first for what he had coming up, A stupid, childish mistake he regrets everyday.

And when your sobs quieted and turned into soft snores he decided to go to the house of wind. He did say he needed space after all and with some inner circle members being at the townhouse he couldn't think like he needed too.

━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━

In between being broken and healing he met Nesta. Older sister to Feyre and almost instantly he fell for her. She felt different and he liked that.

He didn't know what it was about her that he was so attracted too but he invited the feeling and accepted it.

Until year three.

When he saw you again. Walking into Rita's wearing the most extravagant revealing dress he had ever seen on you. Practically drooling, he dragged his family closer to the restaurant, considering this his second chance he was ready to talk to you, to explain his feelings and why things happened the way they did.

You had just wanted a chill night out with your friends, getting drunk and dancing all over each other. Not having a chat with your ex of three years over the reasoning of your break up. You got the drunk part down but the dancing not so much. "Cassian- Cassian listen-" mans was a sad drunk today and didn't want to listen to you for shit. He was focused on spewing his heart out when you could barely see out your left ear and hear out your eyes.

So you grab his face in both hands and kiss him. It's sloppy but it's enough to shut him up. "Oh- oh god I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking-" He pulls back and examines your face for a moment before he slams his lips against yours. "It's okay Y/n you have no idea how long i've wanted to have this again."

the slight soberness from the emotions you both were feeling was enough for him to realize his feelings for Nesta were nothing compared to his love for you. And thats what it had been. He loved you and was infatuated with her. Convinced himself it was a crush to get over you.

In the distance his family watched, shocked. Nesta who had to deal with Cassians eyes on her for a year grabbed her drink and shot it back like it was water "woo!" she smiles and thanks the mother for setting her free.

[warriorend-2]

ok ok since i can't be stupid and gay all the time (<- college student)

putting this shit under a cut bc while it's mostly just me rambling it's. spoiler heavy. & also wound up being 1600 words. sorry

1: possibly the most glaring thing, which makes me doubt the Phantom being a lot of otherwise-possible candidates, is that they would have to be very good at infiltration

-I presume Roxana didn't put the medal in her computer herself, which means whoever did put it there had to get in after she left, get into the computer without waking up Robutler, modify it to put it there, & put everything back (mostly) the way it was & leave a combination. granted maybe they just gave the medal to Roxana to put in there, but like. why

-getting it into that spot in the mines wouldn't have been too hard i don't think, just. knowing where the mine is and then sneaking in during off-duty hours (...assuming those happen)

-tbh the one in blind spot is probably the easiest to place given that it's just behind a license plate, & cars do have to stop sometimes even if it's not often

-i'm. not sure how they got the medal into hot water though. i'm guessing they snuck it in among the materials? (the other option here is that Zor had a hand in getting it there, which opens up a whole other can of worms so i'm not gonna. think about that one too hard)

-the one in cold shoulder is also not too hard to see it getting there. i would laugh if they had to make a mold of that little compartment & then make a block of ice for it though.

-the one in kboom is where i'm like. OK this facility is presumably not super new but it's also not super old given its current purpose. it may have been repurposed but still. how did they get the medal where it is and then also tag the bucket. the volcano doesn't look like it's horribly far away from shore (in the ending credits) but (also i'm aware the medal shouldn't even be able to be where it is but. yknow.)

and odds are that it doesn't matter that much, i'm just. they had a little safe set up in the control point already, they had access to the pneumatic tubes, etc. if the locations have any bearing and aren't just "here's somewhere to stick this puzzle that would be hard to figure out", then that implies some Shit about the phantom (& possibly also their allies. if they have any. if they do I highly doubt they're Agency-related.). given where the phantom gets to i am somewhat leaning towards the idea it may be V. Vitti (also the. insignia), given that we've seen the sort of places Agent Phoenix gets into (...seat of power) & so

2: Zor's goals feel a lot more on a personal bent this game, not just irt destroying the Agency but also. destroying the kinesium & anything that uses it. so whatever their reason, it seems to be a lot more personal (+ they actively Address the player more often, which could be Phoenix's infamy but also in the other games they were barely present, both in terms of voicelines & actual like. Story Push. they were a very passive supervillain in the other games, is what i'm saying)

which leads me up to like. we all know characters can lie, & in this series it's kinda expected, but. idk. i keep circling back to the shield generator. & the lava generators being accessible from Phoenix's cabin, but not the one Roxana was in. & Phoenix's cabin seemingly having all this shit that the others didn't have, & it could have been a tactical choice on Phoenix's part, but.

i mean. Zor does definitely say they want you dead, but they don't say it directly a whole lot (iirc they say "kill you and Prism" but otherwise they don't directly address the player in death threats, it's usually just. agents, plural. or "whatever end you meet" which is also a threat but is vague)

which just. why is Agent Phoenix still alive? Game design aside, of course. It wouldn't be much of a game if the villain kills you in the first level, after all.

But it feels, to me, like the weaknesses are far too glaring to be just missed over, especially in 3, because. if they want you dead that badly, why. why leave things so safe?

Hot Water is one i wind up on a lot, because you could chalk things up to being deathtraps, but Ollie knew about the gas and the grenade trap, & seemed completely unfazed by them (& kinda implied that's just How It Is for new folks), so they're not necessarily targeted, it's just standard practice. Putting aside the fact that even if they were intended to be deathtraps, they're so. Mild. to put it bluntly. Zor knows Phoenix by this point, knows the shit they've pulled & survived, a gas trap & a grenade in a vending machine feel very. yknow. that's like throwing a rock at the back of someone's head, comparatively

and then the KBOOM demo & the shield generator, both explicitly left for you to see. & it's a pretty 1-to-1 comparison for how the actual KBOOM mission goes, except for the telekinesis save at the end. the squid gets involved, but for the most part, considering it's a lab Zor loosely implies they were at, the security is very. lax. & everything is accessible to the "new hire", popsicle-ID necessity aside. (also apparently Ollie has been down there a while, given he doesn't seem to. know about the whole "world domination" thing. which is Eerie because if that's the case then how long exactly has the whole Kinesium thing been a plan?)

to me. & it has felt like this since the end of the second game. When Zor says they want you dead, there's a whole host of unstated conditions to that, which they would be good at given the whole CEO thing.

"I want you dead if you aren't good enough at your job to survive" sort of deal. which also lines in nicely with how they seem to be as an Actual Boss. of course, they never say the second part out loud, but. short of them just being Really Smart in a lot of cases (failsafe in Juniper's mask, leading Roxana along long enough to get her research & then trying to kill her, etc) but Really Dumb in others (leaving the shield generator, making the squid the only real danger to Phoenix down there, not having any failsafes to make sure the missiles launch at the end of 2 even if the briefcase is compromised (or just not using them), etc), it's like. the ways their plans get foiled at the end of 2 & 3 feels intentional.

plus you could make the argument that Roxana was also being used to lead Phoenix along until they were where Zor wanted them, at which point both of what they were using her for (Kinesium research, kite Phoenix around until they're in position, even if that second one wasn't in the deal) was done & they could get rid of her without feeling bad.

would stopping KBOOM have been possible without Roxana's help? Dunno. Not the way it's presented in-game, because in-game she was also instrumental to stopping it.

i'm also going to briefly play semantics for a second. i'm not sure i consider "even the great Agent Phoenix will eventually burn out" to be a threat because. that's what phoenixes do. They burn, and then they come back. Sometimes it takes a while, but. if i'm not just thinking about semantics Way Too Hard, the wording of "burn out" suggests something far different than "die". combining that with Zor talking about the Agency like That, & the Phantom (at least vaguely) implying prior experience with the Agency, & realizing that their involvement would cost them their life, makes me think. maybe "burn out" isn't a threat of death, but a threat of something about Phoenix changing soon. Maybe as a result of almost dying. "burn out" is also used for like. becoming exhausted, stopping trying, & maybe that too. who knows. i don't, i'm not on the dev team, i'm just some 21 year old chewing on semantics.

at the end of the day, my current standing on Theories is. hard to sum up but i will do my best. o7

-The phantom is probably one of a very small handful of candidates, & I'm leaning towards it being V. Vitti or maybe possibly Zor in a funny hat.

-Zor is trying to kill Phoenix, but not inescapably. maybe they're testing Phoenix, maybe they're just trying to almost-kill Phoenix enough times they get tired of the Agency and fuck off so Zor can do the whole "world domination" thing (which i am not. wholly convinced they actually are after.)

-summing those two up made me think of something else. perhaps the Phantom was also testing Phoenix in a roundabout way, by seeing if they could survive everything else, because they only show up in the third game. Their note opening with "it seems you're as good as they say" indicates they are at least familiar with Phoenix & their reputation, albeit maybe not directly (if it is Vitti, i doubt she would have access to Agency knowledge, but post-Rising Phoenix, once the rumors started getting out...)

-this is a silly theory i like to throw around in my head, but i'm very fond of it, so: the "death room" you go to after dying in a mission may not necessarily always indicate Actual Death. in some cases, yes, but in other cases. idk. i've always gotten more the vibe of having been captured as opposed to outright killed (although being able to respawn does throw a wrench in there, but oh well. game has to be a game & all)

[coquelicoq]

For the 30 years old ask meme, could I ask: 8, 13, 15, 18, 36, 41, and 62 please? (I promise I restrained myself 🙈 I'm just very curious) -☆

thanks friend~

8. What cleaning product do you swear by? i am not a person who has strong feelings about cleaning products, except i prefer not to use antibacterial handsoap on a regular basis in the home environment…seems like tempting fate. if i had to pick something i guess i'd say detergent for washing dishes by hand, because i use it more than anything else probably.

13. Which filter are you most likely to go "eh, it's probably fine" when you find out you need to change it? the air conditioner. i clean it once a year…most years.

15. Do you go down each aisle when you grocery shop, or only the ones you know you need stuff from? only the ones i know i need stuff from! yesterday i went to a grocery store i don't usually go to because i'm not in my neighborhood at the moment, and it was such a frustrating experience because i had to go down every aisle multiple times, not knowing where anything was. hate that. i am in and out at my regular grocery store. i am here to get the stuff on my premade list and then get the fuck outta dodge.

18. Pro or anti tchotchkes? they don't really do anything for me from a visual perspective, because everything in my line of sight becomes invisible to me after a short period of time. (i have seen this called "visual exhaustion", but when i look up that term i just get results for eye strain, so maybe that's not an official term lol.) so having a bunch of small items in my vicinity ultimately just means there are more things to get dusty and for me to not even notice getting dusty until we are at critical levels.

36. Do you keep a daily journal or agenda? i keep a weekly agenda, which is structured as a table where the columns are the days of the week Mon-Sun and the rows are things like "french", "book", "puzzles", "social", "shower", "chores", etc. and then for every day i write down the initials of the french-language book i'm currently reading in the french row, the initials of whatever other book i'm currently reading in the book row, whatever task i need to do for my newspaper puzzles, and so forth. there isn't always something in every cell - for example if i have more than four days with something in the "social" row (which includes phone calls), i am in trouble because i don't have the bandwidth for that lol. then on the far side of the page i keep a running list of things i need to do at some point but don't plan to work on in the current week, so i don't lose track of them. i used to keep a daily journal but it petered off several months ago when i realized 1) i was running out of space for all my old journals, 2) there were so many it was prohibitively difficult to actually refer back to them for any reason, since just finding the relevant entry could take hours unless i already happened to know what date to look for, and 3) it was taking up time and also depressing me. lol. problems 1 and 2 would be solved by keeping a digital journal rather than a handwritten one, but that's never appealed to me. so now the only thing i write down is how much i slept, how heavy my menstruation was, and (only if they were notably unusual) how my mood and appetite were.

41. What's the oldest thing you own? the last time i thought this over i concluded it was a copy of a connecticut yankee in king arthur's court, and i haven't come up with anything else. i don't remember exactly how old it is. from the early 1900s maybe?

62. Where are you on the minimalism-maximalism kinsey scale? hm idk really. as stated before, i got the ol' "this sign can't stop me because i cease to even notice it if it's been on the wall for more than one hour" disease. so you could go all out and cover a room in all sorts of shit and i would enjoy the aesthetic and think it looks neat right up until i would never see it again, which would be very soon. so it kinda comes out to a wasted effort for me. however, on the other hand i can't say i'm a minimalist person either, because if you put me in a bare bones room with two sticks of furniture, within half an hour i'll have covered every space with bags and books and assorted papers and devices that i am planning to use throughout the course of the next few days and not even notice how cluttered i have made it due to the aforementioned visual exhaustion thing. so yeah. i have no idea. i do enjoy looking at pictures of maximalist decor though, and last year i visited a friend of a friend whose house was THE most intensely decorated place i had ever seen and i thought it was amazing. but if we're talking my own living space or anywhere i will be spending any amount of time, it does not and cannot matter.

[hurlumerlu]

As usual, badly put together thoughts on Playboyy episode 5 under the cut :

My main thought on this episode is how heavy on melancholy it was. It was a lot less funny and dramatic and a lot more, idk. contemplative ? or at least that's how it felt to me. Also a lot more unsettling, we are definitely not playing anymore. Funnily enough, this gravitas is pretty close to what I hoped for when I started Playboyy, but now that I actually have it I feel wrongfooted and unsure. Which is great ! I've always enjoyed shows where I didn't know what I was in for before starting an episode (perhaps a little too much) and I appreciate the unease.

Related to the above : I like that the Nuth & Phop scenes are packed with tender moments (the piggyback, the very begining of the shaving scene, "haha i'm halucinating him :D/i'm right there", waking up in each other's arms) amidst the constant current of dread. It helps lay out the reasons Phop comes back (drugs aside) on an emotional level, and it also makes the peaks in tension that much stronger because you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and because it could be sweet ! it could. it's good suspense.

Honnestly the fact that Nuth has been so strongly established as suspect n°1 when we're only in episode 5 makes me really doubt that he is, for lack of a better term, our Big Bad. Which does not mean I think of him as an innocent little sweetheart (don't pay people in drugs is imo a pretty low bar and he couldn't even clear that) and he absolutely had something to do with Nant's troubles, but I feel like there is something else at play. Could be way off though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Unpopular opinion probably but I worry for him too. He does not seem well ! He also doesn't seem to have much of a support system ! If this all ends badly - if it already has, for Nant, because of him - I don't think I'll be able to shake off the feeling that it all could have been avoided.

Please don't kill Phop please don't kill Phop please don't kill Phop

Other characters I would like to not see die are Nont (very much so), Soong, and Jump. (and Puen because I play favourites) the others are fair game for me not because I don't like them but because I can see multiple narrative payoffs for their death. It all depend on how it's done. (honnestly I can also imagine narrative payoffs for Nont's death, and worse endings for him than death, but. uh. I'll be gutted for sure)

Since I mentioned Soong - I told myself I would not gripe about this but I am absolutely going to gripe about this : how did Nont convince him to drink/take drugs with him ? Did he think this was Nant ? it was all very weird and I did not get how we got for point a to point c. You could argue it doesn't matter but it's the kind of things that matters to me ! Anyway, moving on :

Soong keeps having a bad time. And I'm sure many would say he deserved it, but as I'm not generally interested in characters getting their just deserts (unless it's funny) I'm still mostly feeling kinda sad for the guy, in an awkward sort of way

I'm sorry I said Nont was not good at threatening people. turns out he's just not good at threatening people with sharp objects. He's disturbingly into it when it comes to fire though ! (but also Nont baby you're gonna burn your thumb)

Zouey & Teena were very cute. So where Zouey & First trying to investigate Soong.

You know who isn't cute ? Porche. I want to sit that boy down and have a loooong talk with him. It probably wouldn't help but someone has to try.

Anyway we knew that already but the fact that none of these rich little fuckers where willing to help Nant out when they could easily have pooled their money... with friends like these, honnestly.

This may have been a wake up call for Captain ? wait and see I guess.

Captain and Puen being on good enough terms that Captain told him everything about the fake sex tape is interesting. I'm still really interested in their dynamic !

Look. Puen was so charming (and charmed) all episode and Aob was so prickly, it's hard for me not to get into the relationship that is dangled in front of us (and I didn't try). However everytime I watch this series I think of Love Conquers All (2006) and its ironic-ass title, so I look at every single relationships promised by this show with doubt and mistrust

SPEAKING OF WHICH : lmao @Prom and his little evil smile. control your face, sir.

But I still believe he didn't know why Nant was missing, so I wonder what he was smiling evily for. Plenty of options to chose from though ! Maybe he just wants to get back at the ex-playboyys for asserting their independence, which would be bad enough, but I doubt that's all. Oh well, we'll see !

Last thought : I could have sworn I saw the bottom of a brazilian flag in one of Nuth and Poph scene but I can't find it again :(

[paperhandsexe]

I prob should like. wait on this thought but heyyy air out my frustrated brain at work in 80 degree weather outside in a shed :0)

idk how I feel abt doing welcome home art much anymore? like I still really love it and look forward to when it continues on. but becuz of me feelin guilt abt that silly switcheroo au? or like any fa rn? like I know clown said fanart and aus are fine, fun even iirc but idk I guess I saw one too many post where folks were 'yall fuckin ruined it!!!' with the aus being included in the reasons why. like I get it some folks kinda got heavy handed with their aus a bit with unsavory topics (and ofc some folks that immediately drew porn of it :( and sell unofficial merch)

like idk I don't personally think wh is ruined??? and id rather believe the creator's posts than someone who might not keep up with their posts? but idk ppl have been quick to scream that with literally EVERYTHING recently....

idk! it's a bit stressful so I may be taking a break from drawing those puppets <;0( till like i feel okay idk.

[nthngtoseehere-blog]

Dramas/movies I've finished (or 'finished')

I've watched enough east Asian dramas/movies that I've tripped my brain’s "must make a list" switch. Updated 3/28

Blue = favorites

Also:

Dramas I'm watching / want to watch

Dramas I dropped

Dramas:

2gether the Series (Thai)

I guess a lot of people hate this and don't think the leads have any chemistry at all? But I actually loved them. It's not a hot-and-heavy kind of chemistry; it's very sweet and kind of innocent, but not facile. On the other hand, they were all I liked about the drama.

Ai Long Nhai (Thai)

This is the most ridiculous drama, and it brings me so much joy. Nothing hurts, everything is beautiful. Nhai is a precious scatterbrained bean, and Ai falls in love at first sight. All of the things about Nhai that drive other people crazy just make Ai go all fond and soft. I smiled so much watching this that my face hurt.

A League of Nobleman (Chinese)

Good but definitely felt like it was missing scenes. OT3 Lan Jue/Zhang Ping/Wang Yan!

Bad Buddy (Thai)

Wow this is good! It's Romeo and Juliet with some West Side Story thrown in. The actors are fantastic, and watching how they progress from sort-of-enemies to committed boyfriends is wonderful.

Bed Friend (Thai)

OMG Uea the sharp-edged traumatized bean, and King green-flagging all over except for that one moment where he needed to have his head flushed in a toilet for reacting in the absolute worst way. I love this show A LOT. It's not a perfect rendition of a young man who has suffered a lot of abuse in his life, but it handles that element really well (therapy and medication FTW), and the romance is sweet and sexy.

Between Us (Thai)

I liked the first half a lot, but didn't like Team very much after they got together. His personality/behavior changed; he was, IDK, tougher? earlier, which I liked a lot more. However, I LOVE Win so much I can't even.

Bad Guys (Korean)

There were several moments when certain things almost made me nope out (Oh Gu Tak’s entire self; my overwhelming desire to cut Jung Moon’s hair so that his one eye wouldn’t be perpetually covered up; the detective lady whose name I never bothered to catch), but I was so glad I finished it. Park Hae Jin in eps 9 – 11 blew me away; and the ending was kinda dark but in a way that was so satisfying.

Be Loved In House: I Do (Taiwanese)

Not my favorite Taiwanese bl, but not bad.

Beyond Evil (Korean)

Wow, so much going on. The characters developed beautifully, even though Juwon went through a bit of a bratty phase. I loved the mystery.

The Blood of Youth (Chinese)

I loved this so much. THE FOUR WAY BROMANCE omg. And the way the ML slowly but surely dismantled the villains' plans! He met every set-back with a “well, that’s unfortunate, but I can fix it.” It was great, even though the romance they shoe-horned in for the ML was annoying.

Dangerous Drugs of Sex (Japanese)

I watched this because I was curious. It was... Hmm. Well, all I can say is, if you too become curious, make sure you pay attention to the reasons it's 18+, and then assume it's going to be even more f*cked up than it sounds.

Dr. Romantic 2 (Korean)

Honestly I watched this for the Seo Woo Jin whump (Ahn Hyo Seop does suffering so attractively), but since doctor shows otherwise make me nauseous I didn’t watch the last couple of episodes. But I really liked the various relationships among the different characters.

Duoluo Continent (Chinese)

Watched this for Xiao Zhan. I’ve never watched anything like this outside of having caught a glimpse of the Pokemon and Yu Gi Oh cartoons my kid watched, and it was...different. The FL was so irritating, but I wasn’t burned out on this kind of FL yet when I watched this so it was fine.

En of Love: Love Mechanics (Thai)

Too short! The fact that is was remade with most of the same cast and an expanded story makes this one feel almost like a pilot. It was definitely good enough to make me track down the longer version (which I'm currently watching). YinWar are really engaging actors.

Fish Upon the Sky (Thai)

Same actors as in Never Let Me Go, but this one is a comedy. The main character is a high maintenance nerd who goes through a glow-up that almost no one really notices (because he's STILL a high maintenance nerd) except the guy who has had a crush on him forever. Of course it's a guy he thinks is terrible. I loved it. Which is weird because I generally hate comedies.

Handsome Siblings (Chinese)

I enjoyed it mainly because it’s ridiculous.

He is Psychometric (Korean)

Super cute, comfort show. The twists and turns were great. I loved the characters. Side note: the actor who played young Kang Sung Mo did an amazing job. I actually had to stop at one point and Google the cast to make sure the show hadn’t somehow managed to make the older actor look like a teenager because the younger actor absolutely nailed the older actor’s take on the character. (Turns out the younger actor is the ML in The Uncanny Counter! In which I also love him.)

Healer (Korean)

OMG I love this show. So much. I even loved the romance. I wrote a post about it. (Did I go looking for Ji Chang Wook’s filmography after watching this? Yes, yes I did.)

HIStory 4: Trapped (Taiwanese)

Getting into bl drama is a lot like getting into bl manga/manhwa: requires accepting that dramas with action/mystery/SFF are few and far between. (I would also add "dramas with adults" but there seem to be more and more of those these days.) This was one of the first bl dramas I found that wasn't just a romance, and I was SO EXCITED. It's a little cheesy, but I loved it. The cop/mafioso romance (which is also a grumpy cat/sunshine puppy romance) between the leads is a lot of fun. And it has what might be my absolute favorite side pairing: the always-smiling assassin and his adorable tiny cop boyfriend (a sunshine velociraptor/sunshine puppy pairing, if you will).

Hotel Del Luna (Korean)

This show is amazing! Jang Man Wol stewing in rage and ennui for a thousand years only to have everything turned upside down by a stubborn, good-hearted puppy-man who she ironically stuck herself with. The slow, heartbreaking, breath-catching reveal of Man Wol’s past. The range of creepy, sad, funny, heart-warming ghost stories. The characters. The production quality! Ah, so good.

If You Wish Upon Me (Korean)

Another OMG I LOVE THIS. Ji Chang Wook is so good at “sweet, tough, vulnerable, and a good guy despite being raised by wolves” characters. I did cry semi-regularly due to the nature of the setting, but while I usually avoid things that make me cry, this was good crying. And so worth it. Also, the FL is a hoot, and a BAMF when she takes on the ML's abusive ex.

The Imperial Coroner (Chinese)

Adorable nerds falling in love over corpses in ancient China WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE.

Jade Dynasty (Chinese)

I get why people don’t like this, but I did. It was a silly, sweet, fun story and it only required a time commitment of an hour and some.

Joseon Attorney: A Morality (Korean)

I wanted to like this more than I did, because Woo Do Hwan. Loved him. Favorite part was when he was imprisoned and being tortured and someone came to visit him in his cell and he was fidgeting and fussing with the filthy straw while he talked with them. Like. Oh honey. WTF are you doing, just have a good cry and take a nap before your next torture session my babie. But I got kind of bored? As soon as we found out what happened to his sister I gave up and fast-forwarded through the rest so I could at least see what happened.

Jun & Jun (Korean)

I had to be in the right mood to watch this (open to a silly office romance with ALL the tropes), but when I did finally watch it I loved it. There is second (and third) lead syndrome, but all three of the men in love with Lee Jun are likeable, and I honestly would have been happy with Lee Jun choosing any of them. Also, Lee Jun is the most precious bean.

Lawless Lawyer (Korean)

I struggled through the middle of this. I’m not a huge fan of how in Korean shows everything always goes to absolute shit for the main character(s) mid-way through. I mean, I don’t mind that element of storytelling in general; it’s the way it’s so devastating in so many of these shows. This one hit me when I was in the wrong frame of mind, I think. But I’m glad I stuck it out because the way the villain was ultimately taken down was fantastic.

Love and Redemption (Chinese)

OMG LOVE. Serious, serious love. I wrote a post about this.

Love by Chance (Thai)

Ehhh. I ended up fast-forwarding through all of it except the Ai/Pete stuff. That is a great relationship, though. Pete has internalized politeness to an adorable degree, and is sweet despite having been badly burned; Ai went from "uninterested in dating anyone at all but assumed straight" to "oh I'm in love with this guy? I must be gay. Cool."

Love for Love’s Sake (Korean)

This was a sweet show. The concept was clever, and the way it held onto its secrets until almost the end worked really well.

Love in the Air (Thai)

I tried watching this about a year ago - first Thai drama, first bl drama - and I got through the first arc and quit, and didn't go back to bl or Thai dramas for literal months. It was mostly due to the production quality, the cheesiness, and all of the pouting Rain does. But I went back to it recently, after watching A LOT of Thai bl, and I actually love it? Still cheesy, still wishing they could have invested in a boom mic, but I can handwave that now I guess. I really, really love the second story arc, about PaiSky. Sky is a great character, and Prapai goes through character growth! Starts out a pushy, cocky playboy who thinks it's cute to stalk the guy he likes, ends up being a compassionate, responsible boyfriend.

Mad Dog (Korean)

MORE LOVE. This was the kdrama that caused me to fall down the rabbit hole of kdramas in general. I’ve watched this three times. The found family element, the character journey that especially Kim Min Joon but also Choi Kang Woo go through – help, so good. And what a great introduction to Woo Do Hwan. I wrote a post.

Maiden Holmes (Chinese)

This is like...if your favorite, heart-warming, Jane Austen-inspired romance drama was a mystery set in ancient China and had cool fight scenes. Comfort food.

Manner of Death (Thai)

This is barely a bl (very few bl tropes); it's more of a mystery with romance between the two leads who are both guys. Very good, if a little cheesy in places. And let's not talk about Tan's marriage proposal because wtf dude.

Memorist (Korean)

I watched this early in my exploration of kdramas and didn’t like it for some reason; I fast-forwarded through a lot of it. But I think I might have just not been in the right mood before, because I tried it again and it was excellent! The twists and turns of the mystery, the way things that seemed unrelated turned out to be all connected, was awesome.

Mr. Unlucky Has No Choice But To Kiss! (Japanese)

This was adorable! The main character had a lot more layers than I expected, and his love interest was so sweet.

My Beautiful Man (Japanese)

Two high school boys with problematic behavioral issues whose issues complement each other. It's unexpectedly charming and touching, and I'm really glad there's a sequel!

My Roommate is a Detective (Chinese)

If you want a bromance where you can easily ship the male leads, and has some whump, and you don’t mind cheesiness: here you go!

My Lascivious Boss (Vietnamese)

There's not a lot of Vietnamese bl out there, and I wanted to try one. This one is good; not the greatest acting, but still good. Also, the episodes are so short, so it's a quick watch.

My Tooth Your Love (Taiwanese)

One of the main characters is a dentist, hence the absurd English title. I'm not good with any dentistry situation so I admit I watched a couple of seconds here and there through my fingers, but it's really just a lovely romance. I can't remember where I read it, but this is a good description (paraphrased): the leads woo each other with plushies and naps.

Never Let Me Go (Thai)

Rich high school student's dad is murdered in front of him, and has another high school student, who has never bodyguarded before ever but his dad makes him do it because his dad is kind of a jerk, assigned as his bodyguard. Weird premise, EXCELLENT delivery. The actors who play the boys have great chemistry, and make the characters feel very real.

The Novelist (Japanese)

I don't even know what to say about this drama? It's a bit like those weird little Indie films from the 90s. Like, it's pretty good, but it's also...something.

Numbers (Korean)

I really liked this until the last episode. It fizzled out. Is there supposed to be a second season or something, maybe? IDK.

Oh No Here Comes Trouble (Taiwanese)

Oh this was GOOD. The title and ML's hair cut (yes I judge) made me think it was going to be silly, and there was silliness but there was also a lot of depth and emotion. ML's family situation is a traumatic running thread. The mysteries are clever and fun but heartfelt and sad too. It was just so good.

Old-Fashioned Cupcake (Japanese)

Oh this is so sweet! It's based on a bl manga I haven't read yet, but definitely will because this is just the sweetest, warmest story.

Our Dating Sim (Korean)

Very good, very sweet. I really felt for Gi Tae, waiting so many years, and then hiding so much anxiety.

Sell Your Haunted House (Korean)

Oh this is so good! A great supernatural show, with a great FL, and the FL and ML become besties rather than romantic yay.

Semantic Error [TV show] (Korean)

I watched this because I’d heard of the manga, though I absolutely wasn’t expecting to actually get sucked in like I did. Excellent show. Another one I wrote about.

The Sign (Thai)

I loved this so much!! Action, crime, reincarnation, mythology, romance, humor - there’s so much going on and I enjoyed all of it. The last two episodes used some hand-waving instead of explaining things, but I’m not mad. Billy and Babe had amazing chemistry, too.

Together with Me (Thai)

I couldn't get Manner of Death at the time, but everyone keeps talking about MaxTul, so I watched this. It's not bad.

The Uncanny Counter 1 (Korean)

The first kdrama I watched! The only reason it didn't cause an instant obsession with kdramas is because i started watching Love and Redemption after and that was 59 episodes of blissful hyperfixation. But I love the supernatural/superhero/semi-religious? aspect, I love the different families that the ML has/finds, I love the whump.

Under the Skin (Chinese)

So far this is the only modern Chinese drama I’ve been able to finish. The mysteries were good, the relationship growth between the two male leads was compelling! Good stuff.

Unforgotten Night (Thai)

This show is really pretty terrible. I'm incapable of not laughing when the soundtrack cuts to a track of ~Italian mafioso music every. single. time that Kamol comes on screen. But it's gone so far past terrible that it's come out the other side, and I kinda like it.

The Untamed (Chinese)

First east Asian drama for me! I watched and rewatched this show multiple times in 2021, and without it I don’t think I would have explored [read: become obsessed with] east Asian dramas. I’m still in the fandom and reading the fic and watching the FMVs and etc. I cannot quit WangXian.

Until We Meet Again (Thai)

This is an amazing drama. Romeo and Juliet, but make it a modern bl college story with reincarnation, and the reincarnated Juliet has PTSD from his past life memories. Excellent storytelling, acting, everything.

Watcher (Korean)

Ooooooh this is so good. All of the characters are so compelling, and the overall story kept me engaged. Also, Seo Kang Joon: yes.

Why R U? (Thai)

This is kind of terrible, except that ZeeSaint as Fighter/Tutor absolutely sizzle. I also loved watching Fighter figure out his sexuality via 50% dialogue and actions and 50% Zee's incredibly expressive face.

Word of Honor (Chinese)

I watched this after watching The Untamed, and was kind of meh about it. But then after I’d poked around cdramas a bit, I watched it again and loved it. IDK what happened, but now it’s a fave.

You’re All Surrounded (Korean)

Ok, the FL in this is terrible. So annoying. Despite that and some of the other things that didn’t quite click with me, I was unable to drop it because I NEEDED to find out how Eun Dae Gu’s story would end (very satisfyingly actually!).

Movies:

Long Time No See (Korean)

I love this so much! Assassins; cool fight scenes; traumatized lead; murder boyfriends! UGH it's so good.

The New Employee (Korean)

Not bad. Not great, but not bad.

Pipeline (Korean)

NGL, I watched this because I wanted some Seo In Guk whump. It definitely delivered! It was a fun, fast-paced story, with very little character development and a very underused villain, and really good action. I turned my brain off and enjoyed it. The only thing I couldn't help mentally griping about was the complete lack of ear protection in most (all?) of the drilling scenes. They should have all been partially deaf, good grief.

The Yin Yang Master (Chinese)

Wacky and good!

The Yin Yang Master: Dream of Eternity (Chinese)

Less wacky than the other one, but also good, and the bromance!!!

[wehelddarkness]

starsweredible → wehelddarkness

hi again and goodbye, for now! You can find me @somuchstrdst now. If you want to follow me there, feel free. I've already followed some people there 💖

This is more of an explanation for myself than for anyone. So, I've been debating a lot what to do with this blog, because due to life, I found myself very busy to keep up with it the way I have always done, and after some time away from it, I've noticed a change in how I feel about it here.

I've had this blog since 2009. This blog has been with me through the most crucial moments of my life, all the ups and downs, the changes, the bad and the good, the happy and the sad moments. I've met the best people I could ever meet in my life through here. And not for one moment I regret having spent the amount of time I did here. This blog has been so important to me, it molded me, it's the foundation of who I am today.

But still, I feel like this is not a place for me anymore.

This is not to say that I've moved on from everything I blogged about here. That's not the point at all.

It's hard for me to even begin to explain why I don't feel like this "my space" anymore.

I just feel like, the amount of things I'm exposed to in here, the feeling that I always had to catch up, to know everything... it kinda started to drain me, it piled up, it added up to the reasons that made me have a severe case of burnout and anxiety and fomo.

I know I could just unfollow people, make it cleaner and lighter, but, idk, it's not only the people. This blog, this dashboard feels heavy for me, it feels like there's a kind of baggage that not even unfollowing people will solve the problem, idk how to explain it. This feels much like a "this doesn't sparkle joy" anymore kinda situation. That's the best way I can put it.

So I've decided to make a new blog just to find my footing in the blogging experience again, creating a new space for me, curating things that at the moment I can keep up with, and honestly, I feel so much lighter there.

I've been there for awhile now and I've finally made the decision to make there my new space.

I felt like a change of url here was in need as well. I had this url saved at the same time I changed to starsweredible, but looking at it now, I feel like it reflects more how I feel about this blog than ever, so that's why I'm changing it.

Again, this blog has never been a bad experience for me, it's just that with all that has been going on in my life in the past months, I felt this darkness looming over me, over the things I care about. So, yeah.

I will always carry this blog in my heart. I won't delete it because i have so many things important to me here that I'll always come back to. I just feel like the time for me to keep feeding this is over. It will become an archive of memories, an archive of myself.

So, it's time for me to say goodbye, I guess. Maybe I'll pop in eventually for some things? My likes page with over 60k posts has always bothered me so maybe I'll come back to clean it, idk. I'll always be attached to this blog, so who knows, maybe one day I'll feel like coming back again. Until, then... I thank this space for helping me become who I am.

[miagwynwrites]

Night Drive

Genre: fluff :)

CW: kinda sad maybe idk, sweet boyfriend Juhan cause he’s just so pretty and I fell over <3 also slight mention of sexual connotations?

Length: 1k+

Summary: A late night/ early morning drive through the empty streets to an unexpected place just to make you feel better ✨

Pairings: juhan x reader (no pronouns used)

A/N: I’m not as sad as I was when I wanted to write this fic so it might not be as bad idk lol we’ll see. Also the first fic from my main blog I'm moving over so if you remember this fic I am still the original writer I just moved it to my writing blog. Tagging: @witchy-weve-monbebe (I know you already read it but I'm just copy and pasting so I wanted to keep everything the same.) 🦬

You laid in Juhan’s bed staring at nothing in the dark. Juhan had invited you over to his apartment to spend the evening with him and something woke you up and now you couldn’t relax enough to fall back asleep. Something was on your mind but when you tried to sort through your thoughts you couldn’t figure out what was wrong. The more you thought about your thoughts; any and all, the more sad you got.

Juhan wasn’t necessarily a light or heavy sleeper, it depended on the night. Sometimes you could barely move and he would stir and other times you probably could’ve jumped on his bed and he’d be stiff as a rock. You never knew what to expect, like tonight when you thought he was out cold. Maybe it was the constant deep sighs that woke him up or maybe it was a feeling that something was wrong. You held your breath as he stirred, hearing the bedsheets rustle, feeling the weight of his body redistribute on the mattress.

“Y/n are you awake?” Juhan asked a little bit above a whisper. You said nothing hoping he would ignore you and go back to sleep. Unfortunately your boyfriend was too sweet and caring to obey your silent wishes. With a small click the lamp on his bedside table turned on and he shifted on the bed so he could sit up.

“Baby what’s the matter? Did you have a nightmare?” He asked. Again you said nothing. You didn’t feel like talking for some reason, usually you talked to your boyfriend about your problems and even if you were very moody you at least tried to communicate when you were feeling down or irritated. This was not one of those times you guessed. You felt like sulking in a corner for hours, you wanted to be left alone to deal with your own emotions until they passed. But again, your kind and understanding boyfriend ignored your unspoken requests.

Helping you sit up in bed Juhan moved your hair out of your face and tucked it behind your ear. His warm hand cupped the side of your face so he could see your eyes but you just looked away. His thumb rubbed your cheek, gentle strokes in hopes he could coex an answer, even one word out of you.

Juhan kept quiet as he tried all the ways to comfort you. He stroked your hair, he rubbed your arms, left gentle kisses on your cheeks and forehead, even held your hands rubbing the back of them with his thumbs. You two sat for what felt like hours the only sounds being the clock on his nightstand and the far and few cars that past your street.

You let out another sigh this one shaky as tears formed along your waterline. You didn’t know what you were feeling but you just didn’t feel good. You looked up at Juhan finally the soft glow of the light let you sort of see his face and his look of concern. “Baby~” He cooed grabbing you gently. “Come here, where does it hurt?” He asked pulling you on his lap. You straddled him burying your face in the crook of his neck feeling his warm skin against your face. You quietly cried into him snaking one arm around his lower waist your other arm resting against his unzipped jacket grabbing a fistful of the soft cotton material to hold.

“Does your stomach hurt? Are you getting sick, do you have a headache?” Juhan wrapped both arms around you rubbing your back gently. When you shook your head slightly he asked another set of questions, “is it a mental pain or physical? Does it feel like your heart hurts? Is it body pain? Are you having cramps?” After each question he asked you shook your head. When you pulled away you wiped your tears with the overly long sleeves of your sweater. “Is it a pain that needs to be satisfied?” He asked. You knew what he was implying.

“No no I’m fine it’s none of that. Well I- I don’t know what it is. I’m just..” after finally speaking up to try to explain to him you trailed off not knowing what was really bothering you and how to even say that you didn’t know. Juhan pressed his lips to yours in a soft and comforting kiss that helped you relax a little. He peppered your face with kisses before he spoke up.

“I have an idea c’mon.” Juhan with all his strength pulled you out of bed and took you to the closet. You were both in lounge pants and were clearly not appropriate to go outside so Juhan helped himself put on a shirt under his jacket and helped you into a coat and a scarf. When he wrapped the scarf around your neck he kissed your nose and pinched your cheek in between his fingers. Holding your hand after you were both bundled up he led you, after putting shoes and socks on of course, to the car.

After helping you in and getting you buckled he got in on his side and turned the heat on. It was probably less than 30 degrees out as it was the middle of winter. When he was stopped at a light you turn to him, “where are we going?” You asked still sniffling.

“It’s a surprise.” Juhan smiled at you the  city lights lighting up the inside of the car. It was a busy, now early Saturday morning and there were cars everywhere as well as people walking around. Mostly couples around your age but you did see a few older people and some kids with their parents walking around. The streets were different at night and it was calming to you and felt less hectic despite how many people were actually out. Every once in a while Juhan would reach over to pat your leg or hold your hand in his while he drove. The longer you drove the less busy it got, the flashy lights of the city disappearing in the rear view mirror.  You saw less late night stores open and less people out and about.

Starting to see houses and empty spaces in between roads and dim street lights and stray animals running around you wondered where Juhan could possibly be going so far out like this. You finally stopped in a gravel lot, a few cars were around and there was a food truck parked next to a street lamp. A few picnic table set up near the food truck and one person you watched run back at forth from the truck to some building in the dark. You didn’t speak up just let Juhan help you out of the car and you walked with his arm around you to the truck.

“It’s cold out here Juhan.” A disgruntled whine accidentally escaped you. You’d rather be in bed nice and warm under the covers and the soft and heavy blanket Juhan had that you absolutely loved. Not standing out in the middle of nowhere in lounge pants and a winter parka. You looked down at the gravel your boots kicking the lose rocks around as you both waited for the person to come back to the truck.

“I know but it’ll be worth it. It might make you feel better too.” Juhan wrapped his arms around you pulling you into a hug his scarf tickling your face making you giggle. When the person came back you were surprised, it was an elderly man quickly making his way to his truck. You both greeted him and approached the window. You linked your arm in his and let Juhan order for the two of you. It seems like he had been here before as he knew what he wanted and he carried on a conversation with the man laughing and telling stories. You smiled thinking about how cute the interaction was as you watched the elderly man work fast. He had his own rhythm that was satisfying to watch and hear as he sang a few songs. This place was making you feel better already, something about the atmosphere was so calming and real unlike the bustling city.

After thanking the man and paying for the food you and Juhan walked to a table. You suggested it would be nice to sit at least in the same area as the man instead of in the car or driving away. “So who is he and how did you find this place?” You asked. Juhan smiled and paused thinking about those memories. You let him feed you a spoonful of the food. It was warm and the flavors felt good going down. It was comfort food if you said so yourself.

“I’ve known him for years, he was a friend of a friend and he used to run a restaurant out in the city but something happened and he disappeared.” You listened to the story your eyes almost sparkling as Juhan recalled. “I thought he died until a few months ago I was driving down here cause I got side tracked and I found him again. His restaurant went under and a few years later he lost his wife and his kids all moved out of town. He decided to run a small food truck down here were he knew there were others like him with loved ones they lost and he wanted to do something good for them.” As Juhan spoke your heart both broke and fluttered for the poor man.

“Aww that’s so sweet Juhan!” As you two continued to eat a few more people showed up and the old man came out every once in a while to check on you guys and engage in conversation. He told you stories that Juhan himself hadn’t heard yet. By now you had a small group of people at your table and you were all talking and sharing stories and sharing laughs as the morning went on. The man soon said that he needed to close up as his children were coming to visit him over the next few weeks. You and Juhan said your goodbyes to the old man and the friendly strangers and you all parted ways, walking back to the car hand in hand. You definitely felt better after getting out and eating some good food.

“Thank you Juhan.” You said on the drive home. “I appreciate you doing your best to make me feel better even if I’m difficult sometimes.” You and Juhan shared a smile and he leaned over to kiss you. “Anything for you my love.”

[thomaslightwoodenthusiast]

alright fuckers u asked for it u got it

here is my thomastair playlist

its fifteen songs long, could be subject to change we’ll see lol

it’s on spotify so i’m going to link it at the bottom of this post, but first i’m going to list the songs and artists and provide a little context as to why i believe it qualifies as a thomastair song 😈😈

1.) dixie boy - april smith and the great picture show

chose bc i absolutely love this song, and i love belting it when i’m home alone lol. it *is* sang by a girl, however a) her voice is beautiful and b) the lyrics just fit thomastair SO well. no spoilers ofc but think of when alastair said that he always noticed when others were looking at thomas and how much he hated it. that’s this song. although it could also be how thomas feels about charles LMAO

2.) medicine - royal sugar

got recommended these guys on ig and they’re great!! no reason other than it’s just a rly cool song, kinda sexy, it’s just great lol

3.) fleeting love - royal sugar

reminds me of earlier thomastair 💗🙏

4.) indigo - mouth culture

there aren’t many lyrics to this, but it’s one of my fave songs. such a chill, great vibe, just makes me picture the two of them sitting together in the evening, no words, just relaxing :)

5.) why’d you only call me when you’re high? - arctic monkeys

possibly the only song on this any of u will recognise HA. again no real reason. just i guess when they had their oh moment??

6.) loud - feed the biirds (not a typo)

they’re out. they’re happy. they don’t give a fuck who says what. they love each other and the whole world is gonna know.

7.) palo santo - years & years

the first of 3 y&y appearances. olly (the singer) is gay and i love how his music expresses his identity; he’s not shy about it. reminds me a little of the sanctuary scene??

8.) i need you to hate me - jc stewart

okay i’m gonna be honest this is here for 2 reasons. one, bc it makes so much sense for thomastair. how alastair was so desperate for thomas to not care about him so that neither of them got their hearts broken. two, because apparently jc stewart is from a place just down the road from where i live HA ni represent fr

9.) DKLA - troye sivan, tkay maidza

fuck it lol just makes sense to me

10.) sanctify -years & years

one of the lines is ‘you don’t have to be straight with me’ with heavy emphasis on the word straight and it makes me giggle so

11.) tout l’univers - gjon’s tears

okay it’s a eurovision song BUT i needed a french song!!! cause paris!!! if you want to look up a translation of the lyrics feel free, but here’s (roughly) what the chorus says:

all the universe // our two hearts beneath the earth // in the midst of failures, everything explodes // to be at the point of impact // without you

i am aware they are kind of sad lyrics but i think this song captures how tumultuous everything was for them at the start, especially from a personal point of view for alastair

12.) moon - the cab

i love alexander deleon’s (lead singer) work as bohnes soooo the cab are great too. again just a silly kinda sexy song lol. also just realised it’s called moon and la voyage dans la lune guys i’m so smart

13.) hypnotised - years & years

more early thomastair vibes. actually the y&y songs on this make me want to write smth. idk. i think early thomastair owns my heart tbh

14.) love it if we made it - the 1975

yes i dislike matty as much as the next person however this song means a lot to me personally. i don’t know why, but it has helped me through a lot, like a note to self kind of thing? anyways. yeah i love this song and i think it really represents the desperation of thomastair, particularly how thomas put so much effort into convincing alastair that they’d be ok, that they could be together. ‘i’d love it if we made it’ just makes me think of thomas tbh. and!!! it’s all good bc!!! they did!!!

15.) hit and run - lolo

okay i’m going to be honest. i wanted there to be specifically 15 songs and so i needed to think of a final one to add. i really like this one, and thomastair often comes to mind when i listen to it. like i could just see them doing something borderline illegal or generally stupid and running away laughing because they’re just two idiots in love. lowkey oneshot idea of them being a criminal duo? who knows

that’s it for now, happy listening and feel free to add your own songs! you should be able to, i think it’s public and if you really want you can follow my spotify lol

here is the link:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6uSxw4bJefjV9iTQaEPZYD?si=BByxWrnLTwObcEM2PYbD3A