#existence is a fkn trip

[cosmicyellow]

When you're autistic with only two hobbies those hobbies become the primary sources of mental health but then the autism puts pressure on those hobbies to provide the feel good chemicals and then you feel overwhelmed with the pressure of making the Right Choice™ so you don't pick either and you end up not doing any of your hobbies and just lie there with paralysing boredom AND indecision 🧍

[killajust]

what am i still bothering to post to this site for. sometimes i really wonder because its been feeling like this

[steelthroat]

I was painting and the religious-fanatic teacher came to me and started asking questions about my work. I answered them and I was ready to go on with my day and she goes "we used to talk more when you were well..."

And I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at her like "wtf" because lady you are under 2 wrong assumptions here:

I would let YOU of all people be aware of my mental state or personal life or anything that concerns ME at all.

That we had some kind of amicable relationship to begin with? No, I don't know how you got the wrong impression since I just ever talked to you after I disagreed with your views, criticized you and almost fought with you because you said something both incredibly stupid and triggering... just because I've kept things civil doesn't mean I don't consider you anything other than a pretentious asshole.

The audacity of this woman, to think she can come to me and act all motherly and attentive while trying to get her nose in my personal life while bringing up a past bond which never fricking existed????? What like do you miss our disagreements???

And I just told her, "But... I'm good tho" which is not 100% true, but that's none of her business anyway

And she goes "yeah but you were even better"

BITCH????? No I wasn't? I'm not doing super now but I've vastly improved since last year so idk are you tripping or something???? And then she says something else about my work and keeps talking to me and I'm being civil and cordial because I'm not a rude asshole even if he doesn't even deserve this courtesy for the way she treats us.

Idk what's wrong with her, like she thinks I'm some kind of "problematic kidTM" for the way I look who needs salvation?? Which is not true, I don't need you as a mother. I already have a loving family and friends. Thank you and get the hell away from me????

And even if I were looking for someone's help for anything, I would NEVER in a hundred thousand years go to her for it. Not even for a broken nail lol.

She would probably tell me to go to church and confess or some shit. She already told me to call a confessor for my grandma because she had a little accident when she heard me talking about it with someone else... fkn hell.

[self-loathing-angel-of-thursday2]

Beautiful Spouse’s Rewatch Thoughts SPN 09x10 Road Trip

“I was probably right to be skeptical that he’s not dead, but I think they’re trying to tell us that Kevin Tran is dead” “If you stand any closer, you’ll fkn burn yourself” “They just did that to light up his face and ear” “is the ear part of the face?” “crust” “What did Dean like about Kevin Tran so much?” Dean feels responsible

“I got that” Dean isn’t emoting healthily

“I think he realized that only after he destroyed $10K of lamps” “what the fuck? That was so weird” “maybe should have called security” “what’s the bottle next to the gun? Oh it’s table salt!” “It’s salt” “the pretty gun is purty expensive” “where was Cas at that time?” Cas was freshly human

“The lighting is fkn delicious” “well let’s start with torture and needles and other creepy shit” “or we can go to Crowley. That makes more sense” “I’m right up there with Crowley’s ask” “wouldn’t that imply that Plan B is better? I know he’s trying to convey his plan is better” “Way to show all your cards man” “inexplicably” “Does he not know he needs to put gas in it?” “oh it’s the pimp mobile” laughter

“He fkn said it” “I said the same thing”

“Did he think the gas goes in the butt like Dean’s car?” “Why are they both in the back?” “Oh yeah bud” “Hell yeah” “who did he kill?” He was the only who let the snake in the garden “I already forgot” “Is this how all cults get started? Jesus fkn Christ” “yes muffins” “bloody muffins” laughter

“Well shit” “This was Plan A, for real?” “When was Dr. Sexy?” Idk. Like S4

“Phallus on wheels?” 

Laughter “what” “that’s such a canned thing” “he’s fkn killing people” “gotta kill an asshole” “oh never mind” “what?” “Is he not a wise man? Is he one of the 3 dwarves?” NO, he’s not a wiseman who visited Jesus LMAO

“If this guy stabs his friend, all angels are shit.” “Except for Cas I guess” “I shouldn’t generalize, but a lot of them are shitty” “I hate those light switches. Those half-cocked sideways things’

“That’s a lot of jello powder” “with the fist thing” “why would you ever tell your boss that?” “Sorry ma’am. Just playing both sides” “some fkn party” “ghouls and cheerleaders? I want that episode” “That would have been a good episode. They realize they’re in the angel dream. That would have been a better way to write that. Would have been so badass” “Is this just brain damage that the angels can fix?” “just gotta lobotomize him no worries” laughter

“Small talk” “you split up and didn’t work together so….” “he made some ass joke” “you damn sonuvabitch” laughter

“Dean wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for Gadreel so idk” “can’t or won’t?” “not even king of hell would do this without getting paid first” laughter “what the hell man. He’s so good with the words. It’s crazy” “just a weird thing” “it is a bad joke.” “can’t he just say the word again?” “I need a go word” “We don’t have a go word” We can come up with one “Isn’t it Gadreel’s dream that he invented?” “gulp” “That’ll leave him all in one piece no problem” “oh yes the Lincoln” “Is’nt that brand dead now?” “the goodest guy” “he planned that out” “that was good though” laughter

“They don’t have him miked up very well so it sounds funny. That’s what I’m laughing about” “they must not believe in lawyers and health care directives” laughter

“How many sons of bitches are there?” “the fkn lighting man is so good” “so fkn good” “like in some shows, it doesn’t feel intentional but this one feels like a paintbrush”

[smalltragedy]

* ryan destiny, cis woman + she/her | you know kira blake, right? they’re twenty four, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, ever? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to babooshka by kate bush like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole lazily stretched out in a ray of light, daisy shaped irises and daisy chain braids, performing an intricate dance to move the ocean's waves thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 31st, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 22, est, they/them )

hllo ive hd kira in my head fr a bit bt i also know ntohing abt her! this is me winging it even though i hv no right to <3 this is my third character maybe whose birthday is in honor of ella n coincidentally 2/3 of them r in this rp. yea im messy smirks sexily.

DEATH, GRIEF, DRUGS TW

mini playlist.

wuthering heights ;; kate bush / babooskha ;; kate bush / dreams ;; fleetwood mac / california dreamin’ ;; the mamas & the papas / lavender moon ;; haroula rose / time of the season ;; the zombies / after the storm ;; kali uchis / left hand free ;; alt-j / always forever ;; cults / wait a minute! ;; willow / your dog ;; soccer mommy.

statistics.

full name: kira blake

nickname(s): keely.

birthday: october 31st, 1996.

zodiac: scorpio sun, cancer moon, aquarius ascending. 

mbti & temperament: esfp & catalyst / sanguine. 

label: the ebullient.

sexuality: bisexual.

pinterest.

biography.

born to two original hippies which hs pretty much set up who kira is fr the rest of her life <3 the type of ppl who didnt like the boundaries of marriage n held off frm it fr as long as possible until theyd hd a spur of the moment elopement involving a celebrity impersonator at fannie’s <3 yea theyre lesbians lets go <3

nvr rly took things srsly until kira ws like 5 yrs old n then they were like ah gee ah fuck we probably shld probably settle settle. n they job hopped n worked many odd jobs until they found their footing in careers they liked n one of them probably does like. blown glass art. n the other prob fixes old computers n other ~vintage~ mementos of the past fr ppl.

they make a decent living n they live in delpinius heights n they try a few times fr another kid bt it nvr rly works out (raises an eyebrow. adopted siblings anyone?) n fr the most part kira as a child spends her time running around town and tugging on the hem of other’s shirts to ask them small favors (mostly to play a game with her)

often left unsupervised as a kid, bt not in the way tht her parents dnt care (bc her parents love her a lot a lot a lot like she is their world) bt in the way tht they simply raised her the way they were raised. running amuck all day n coming home jst in time fr dinner, front porch light always on, cat always waiting faithfully on their stoop.

pretty evident frm a young age tht kira’s mind saw things differently, in a different light - the world an array of light n mystery n sound n taste n sometimes those collided n created new experiences. prob hs some form of synsthesia bt dnt ask me which one yet. she’s a painting prodigy with an excellent understanding of color theory.

always ws known as a kind of like. rambunctious kid. a well meaning class clown who cld nt keep her mouth shut fr the life of her. grew up constantly with a yellow card beneath her name in school bt ws always well liked by her teachers n classmates alike.

jst a very bright child who did well naturally bt always ws turned more towards art.

feel like her parents very noticeably turned a cheek when she started smoking weed w the cool older kids when she ws 13. the type of person who wnts 2 b liked so bad she’d jump over a hurdle fr it. hs jumped over many hurdles n many fences n many other obstacles to be liked bt does it without breaking a sweat.

(edit: nw tht i think abt it hwevr i dnt think she does tht anymore i think while a bit of a mess atm she. likes herself. n doesnt rly want or need the approval of others anymore she jst does her own little thing. bt when she ws younger? she jst wnted 2 b friends w the entire world.)

nothing bad rly happened fr like. a good bit of her life. got into psychedelics at some point in high school n tht only heightened her artistic abilities. most of her high school art portfolio ws probably done while high bt <3 does it matter.

hd a high school sweetheart n they were pretty serious like. full on in love. a total believer of soulmates kira ws jst like. this is the one. there is nobody else i cn imagine my life with.

death tw

death tw

death tw.

death n grief tw // yea. sometime during their freshmen year of college. car incident. kira ws nvr the same though she’d like to pretend tht nothing’d ever happened. like theyd nvr existed. like she didnt plan out their entire lives together hiking thru hills n valleys n boating across various bodies of water n traveling together until they were old n wrinkly. end of death tw //

cld nt explain 2 u why kira hd bought a van n completely demolished it only to drain all of her savings remodeling it bt nw she lives in it by the beach. hd dreams of travelling the world bt cannot go long distances in a car without feeling sick. sees planes n feels envy. stopped painting fr a long time bt she’s started back up recently. took on surfing. told her parents tht it ws fine n tht she ws fine n theyre concerned bt shes always by the beach, her van rarely leaves. she’s trying her best bt its only been a few yrs n i think ppl cn sense tht shes jst nt the same cheerful girl as they once knew. end of grief tw //

anyways. tugs on my collar. tht’s kira! she lives on the beach n surfs everyday n is obsessed with daisies n is prob growing her own shrooms somewhere. 

personality & facts.

always been very emotional n a little dramatic. nt a drama queen bt is a little messy n does not hv like. many rational thoughts up in there. very cup full or cup empty.

regardless though she hs an. overall reputation fr jst being. enjoyable to be around. her her little moments bt shes also pretty like. laidback. in a way. KDSHFSDLKHGHFLKSD

prob bc she smokes a lot or is often <3 on a trip if u know wht i mean <3

god. got obsessed with the 60s n 70s aesthetic at some point n hs not gone back evr. big fan of psychedelic rock. is a prodigy painter bt her life dream outside of traveling ws always to own her own record label. hs nt happened yet, maybe will never happen? works at a record shop though n does hide the good vinyls tht she wants away frm the customers.

very cheerful n usually uplifting n she doesnt like to b negative around others bt smtms she cnt control it n smtms thinks tht ppl r out 2 get her jst out of. anxiety. hs long bouts where she’ll sit in a still sort of sadness n then shake out of it n hop back into conversation like nothing’s happened bt. its fine we’re fine kira is fine.

shes not gullible or naive bt wants to believe tht everybody hs a heart of gold even if its false. keeps giving ppl second chances bc she hs a savior complex n thinks she cn change ppl.

is very into zodiac n will judge u by ur chart. knows everybody in town’s natal chart. even newcomers. it’s a little scary hw quick she finds this information bt its very important to her.

kind of like. into spirituality bt i wont lie its very surface level n a little superficial. learning tarot cards bt cannot fr the life of her memorize the meanings so smtms she jst makes up things on the spot. hs so many crystals she will not stop buying them.

i think a part of her is desperately trying to cling onto tht like. think positive. self care. msg thts super prevalent online without addressing or actually helping any of her problems. it is her flaw </3

hates to admit when she needs help. wld rather do everything herself.

head is a little in the clouds n her parents r a little concerned fr her bc shes nt rly doing much rn bt like. she jst needs time i think. shes jst doing her little thing.

does not give up on ppl easily she absolutely hates dropping ppl frm her life even if she grows 2 resent them over time which is bad bc she is bad at hiding when she is upset at someone or when she doesnt like someone.

like shes jst passive aggressive abt it n does not properly communicate <3

bt this is rare i think ... negative feelings abt other ppl

self centered bt not selfish if tht makes sense. she will do things fr others without a problem n sometimes trips over herself 2 do it bt at the end of the day i think she cares abt herself the most.

hs only been in love once bt hs hd many infatuations n many like. admirations n very surface level feelings. her body is a temple n she loves 2 b worshipped.

prob does fkn. beach yoga. probably vegan bt also maybe breaks tht every once in a while. almost noncommittal its hard 2 distinguish between her being carefree, not taking care of herself, or jst hving commitment issues? flaky or not? who knows.

feels jst a bit too strongly bt tries to contain it. jst full of multitudes or smth. idk. icon <3

like. cares bt doesnt care. does thinks tht r purposely self destructive n then acts like shes like. cool girl monologue frm gone girl. bt does it while being like peace n luv on earth x

ok thts all i hv goodbye

wanted plots.

a pseudonym 2 fool ‘em... ;; jst hd this idea pop up bt i like the idea of kira going undercover 2 expose cheaters. whether she does this on her own accord or is personally requested by smbdy is up in the air. a plottable point. she h8s cheaters n is chaotic good she prob thinks shes the relationship vigilante testing the strengths of other’s relationships. once again she cld b. specifically going undercover fr smbdy 2 help them out. im sure she wldnt go 2 very. extensive srs measures like actually. sleeping w the assumed-cheaters bt once again. world is our oyster n i lov drama?

crystal visions ... ;; once again. shes super into crystals n astrology n she will base sm of her opinions of others on it. this is nt just abt her being judgmental of others bt also jst. catching her running around in the rain trying sooo hard 2 fkn. charge her crystals in the rainwater bc she forgot 2 charge them under the full moon the night b4. this is her giving wrong tarot readings. she hs no idea wht shes doing at any given time bt acts like she does know. acts like she knows the entire world. she gives crystals as gifts n will do ur natal chart for u bt will also pack her things n leave if ur a capricorn.

time of the season... ;; i dnt knw admittedly. this song’s abt being horny so perhaps? perhaps. kira isnt rly able to keep a grasp on long term relationships rn due to. factors in her life so she hops frm person 2 person often. smtms jst flings smtms its jst a relationship accidentally led on. shes noncommittal n a little flaky atm when she’s usually ride or die fr others. perhaps this is all in the name of some good fun! world? oyster. 

literally anything .dsfskhdkgs ;; god. shes so new i jst dnt know. childhood friends. current friends. friends shes hd frever. enemies n ex lovers n ppl shes constantly pushing away or scorned lovers or both or anything?? she pushed them out of the roller rink to make more room fr herself or maybe they did tht to her. perhaps theyre both constantly pursuing some sort of fkn. meaning in their lives tht they cnt quite grasp. mayb they go on an acid trip together. who knows. 

[baekwin]

interview tag

tagged by @sehunlyone​ @j-pping​ thank u frens! sorry i took so long to get around to this aaaah i miss u guys but work has taken over my life kjdhfjkd 

rules: answer the questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better!

name/nickname: shaye

pronouns: she/her

star sign: aries 

height: about 158cm, i am Small 

time currently: around noon

nationality: indian 

when is your birthday: in the month of march 

favourite band/groups: exo + all subgroups, nct, snsd + all subgroups, superm, i’ve said it once i’ll say it a million times i’m certified sm trash (also i luv aly&aj)

favourite solo artist: kpop - taeyeon, iu, lee hi, all exos. other - tiffany (? i think she goes here in recent years), kacey musgraves, billie eilish 

song stuck in your head: listen by aly&aj

last movie you watched: i think hercules a couple weeks ago! 

last show you binged: his dark materials season 2!!!! i’m so hyped that this series exists, i loved the books as a kid but somehow i can’t seem to find any other person who’s read them omg

when you created your blog: 2010ish, but went inactive around 2015 and came back in may 2020

last thing you googled: whether or not you can use wood stain indoors, bc i live in a v tall apartment building and am getting the quarantine urge to redo my room furniture

other blogs: none!

why I chose my url: because i love baekhyun and i love winwin! 

do you get asks: not very often, but they’re all usually very nice! ^^ i have a request sitting in there right now which i literally asKED FOR and then immediately got too busy to do it ahksdfhkj but anon if you’re reading this i will get around to it, i didn’t forget!!! 

how many people are you following: 200, a lot of them are old inactive blogs though so I should clear it out soon 

how many followers do you have: a number that i can’t believe 🥺 i’m still debating whether or not to do a ff/celebration soon bc i am very close to a milestone, but i don’t wanna get wrapped up in numbers so i might not. tbd 

average hours of sleep: most days usually 6-7, trying to sleep earlier and get to 8!! i am a tired gal 

lucky numbers: hmmm i don’t think i have one in the usual sense, but every time something good happens in my life i’m surrounded by the number 11 (idk if y’all believe in angel numbers or anything, but this has happened to me toooooo many times for me to not)

instruments: i used to play the piano, french horn, and flute, and one day i wanna play the guitar and learn how to sing but those require time which i don’t currently have

what i’m currently wearing: a lightning mcqueen sweatshirt and constellation-print sweatpants and blue fuzzy socks. yes it is as comfortable as it sounds

dream job: not quite sure, and i’m honestly happy not knowing! as recently as two years ago i thought my dream job was an entirely different thing than it is today, so as i get further in my career and learn more about my industry i assume that’ll keep happening 

dream trip: i have always wanted to visit spain and greece!!! i’ve been to japan (tokyo) once but it was for an extracurricular i did in high school, so i didn’t have much time to explore. i would love to go again and stay for a week or so. also singapore

favorite food: i’m an absolute mac and cheese hoe

favorite song: in general, oasis!!! right now according to spotify it’s fermata by oh!gg which......yeah i fkn love that song 

top three fictional universes you’d like to live in: pokémon, harry potter, or atla! also gonna cheat and add his dark materials bc i just finished watching s2 and i always thought the concept of a daemon was so cool 

tagging: uhh i dont think i can tag 20 lol but @delhyun @nctsworld @kangseulqi @leemarkies @tten @taeminnomuyeppeo @dokyunqsoo @ciaozhan no obligation to do it/ignore if you already did, i’m just thinking of youuuuu ❤️

[ziracona]

Hi! I just realised I havn't popped in in awhile. Do you have any headcanons u feel like sharing about the newer survivors?? (I love them all, they're so cool but I think imma have to say cheryl is my bby gurl. she's tired. let her rest.) also. i am. going insane. from a toothache :) - Sleepy

Hey! Hope your tooth pain clears up! I’m so sorry—that’s one of the worst. : /

Hmmm, I do, but I’m trying to think of ones I haven’t said in asks before. 😬 Unfortunately my memory of fictional characters is great, and my memory of what I said in asks is shitty. :’-]

I don’t know the newer survivors—except Nancy and Steve—as well as I do the older ones, because I’ve never written them, and I haven’t played Silent Hill. I like Zarina, Yui, and Cheryl a lot though. Poor fkn Cheryl can join Quentin in the “Please God, just one good day?” Existence. Rip to them both. 😭

Poor kid gets out of hell once, and ya throw her back in. :’-]

Let’s see—headcanon I am fairly sure I haven’t already shared. I think Yui and Min would get along really well, and Jane and Zarina would too.

Yui hates the serial killers especially, from her own personal experience, and goes to bat hard against them every time.

Ash flirts with everyone to a point it’s even more than Ace does, and for a while it becomes a competition between them to see who can flirt more and better than the other (not in a shitty way—everybody knows they have the competition going on and it’s more a ‘I can act better than you’ than a ‘I can win more hearts’ one.) Ace is declared the winner in class, Ash the winner in sheer quantity he’s able to churn out, and they agree to call it a semi-draw. It’s actually a really fun week for everyone, because they’re all constantly being complemented and flirted with in a way they know is performative and seeks 0 real actions from them in return, so essentially they are just showererd with ‘drunk girl in a bar bathroom’ levels of praise for seven days.

Felix and Nancy are the only two with significant others waiting back home, and they bond over talking about their wife/boyfriend and sharing stories and having someone around who understands that specific brand of pain and can encourage them that they’ll make it back home.

Tapp is a dad, so he gives Felix a lot of advice on stuff since he was an expecting father. Not so much “do this” advice, since his relationship with his family didn’t go so well, and he feels like he’s in absolutely no position to teach—more like “It’s okay. Women have been giving birth for thousands of years. She’s gonna make it just fine even if you’re not home yet, and you’ll get back to them. And I’m gonna teach you some of the tricks so you’ll be ready when you do. You can even surprise her by already knowing how to change a diaper and warm a formula bottle. I’ll show you how to do it,” and talking him through some of the stuff he would have been able to learn from infant care books. It’s sweet, but Tapp almost dies when Jane says its “Very heartwarming” and teases him, so they cut him some slack. Felix is really appreciative. Laurie has taken care of a ton of kids, and gives him some advice too, and so does Nancy, who had two younger siblings.

Steve is a disaster who suffers from “I like you and you are a girl, so *pigeon meme* Is this falling in love?” syndrome. Gets shot down hard by Laurie, who is ridiculously pissed at him for bringing it up during a trial when their lives are on the line, but after he gets over being super awkward around her, and she reaches out to be like, ‘Look, dumbass, why did you even like me?’ And he’s like ‘...because you’re, uh, really cool? A-and pretty? And...’ and eventually she’s like ‘Buddy, you don’t even really know me. You’re just lonely. You’re not in love with me, you just want to be, because you want to be in love with somebody, and that’s not gonna cut it, for me, or anyone. Be in love with a person—not with the concept of being in love. And for that to happen, you have to know them first.” And since Steve is good af self-improvement, he realizes she’s got a real point, and tries to find his worth outside of needing a girlfriend, and becomes both a lot happier, and one of Laurie’s closer friends. (Side note—this extends probably only to my initial Steve ideas. I had the idea batted around that in that universe, Stranger Things /is/ an existing show, but it’s based on a mix of urban legend and history from the 80s, and Nancy and Steve are the version from the actual 80s, and I think in that pitch Steve is dating Barb, who is still alive, and already worked through this specific issue, because many things happened differently for wild comedic ‘But in the show’ effect, becuase both them repeatedly going “WELL REALITY WAS A LITTLE DIFFERENT” when like, monster hunting shit from the show won’t work on the Demogorgan, and *Spit take* “THEY HAD ME HIT ON ROBIN?” “Ewwww” “YEAH ewww! She’s basically my lesbian little sister! We’ve been best friends since grade school! What the fuck :’-]” make for amazing joke potential. )

Cheryl starts having nightmares where she sees things from the Entity’s eyes she was never meant to see, and finding out dangerous amounts of information this way. The Entity decides at some point this is too big a threat, but because it’s proud, it doesn’t want to just kill her, as that would be admitting a human is a threat, so it starts having killers gun for her mercilessly to try to get her to give up, and the poor girl is in agony.

Zarina documents stuff form the realm constantly, and has a careful scrapbook collection of all notes and paraphernalia from past survivors. She also keeps conspiracy pages tacked together trying to figure out who they were becuase they deserve at least the justice of people somehow knowing how they died and what they went through. Laurie is a big help with this, and so is Claudette, who has been keeping stuff for a long time.

Yui is very no-nonsense, and protective. She gives off strong big sister vibes. She especially also loves board games/puzzles/other games like Shogi or Go and such, and Dwight and Adam create game pieces for her to play Go with when she mentions how much she used to like that kind of thing, and Yui is incredibly touched, and makes several other ones for people to play with too, and it becomes a very enjoyed pastime between trials. It’s engaging and competitive, but much more relaxed and low energy than sports or training or going for a run, so it’s a great alternative. Meg gets super into making puzzles, and all the artists do too, and take turns painting pictures on boards, cutting them into puzzle pieces with extreme painstakingly slow care, and then doing puzzles together. Jake is invaluable in the actual cutting pieces out area, but actually enjoys to do it.

Felix knows a lot more than anyone else about the Entity when he’s taken, so he spends a bunch of time with the research team trying to recall whatever he can from his childhood and sharing any information he has, then just stays on it because he wants to. He’s desperate to meet Benedict Baker someday himself, becuase that man seems to get around, and he really wants to know what happend to his father.

Everyone becomes protective as fuck of Cheryl when the Entity starts targeting her, and someone—I think Kate and or Meg—probably both together—as a one-off joke call themselves her knights at some point, becuase they’re running such dedicated protection detail, but it becomes a whole thing, and several more start to do it. They’ll like ‘fist clasped arm across chest at attention, quick bow’ when they see her, and it’s goofy as fuck, but it helps a lot making Cheryl’s reality more bearable. Plus, it’s really sweet. Nea gets in on this and comes back one day with a little daisy chain she made cause she was bored, sees Cheryl, it clicks, runs over and offers it as a ‘favor’. Zarina sees and comes back later that day from a trial and kneels and presents Cheryl with a rescued toolbox with a brand new part. This becomes increasingly common and extravagant, and Cheryl /cannot/ deal, but it’s like, genius, becuase it takes exactly this level of surreal goofy friend bullshit to distract from the hell she is living. She ends up just regularly having someone come back from a trial or trip to the woods, salute with an arm across their chest, bow, and present her with anything from a pinecone or pretty rock, to flowers or a medkit, to a salt statue or key, to a painting or hand made bracelet, to a makeshift weapon or a pillow. Everyone always tries to outdo each other, so the gifts tend to be extravagant. Zarina considers herself Cheryl’s righthand woman/personal knight by chocie, because she wanted a cause to fight for and has found one she truly loves, and she makes Cheryl her favorite gift so far, coming up to her at the end of a long day, after a very bad trial where Cheryl was mercilessly and slowly killed by the Pig, kneeling, and offering a thick shard of stained glass from the chapel, made sturdy and held in place with a few chunks of soldered and wrapped iron along the blade and down the grip, forming a razor sharp and reinforced stained glass knife.

[rebelwith0utacause]

All with MGK, Luke and Michael

Sorry for the long wait B, I was feeling too lazy to turn on my laptop 🧟‍♀️

stab, shoot or drown - The possibility of this happening? Absolutely nonexistent. I mean have you seen these giants, they’d kill me the second that thought enters my mind. But if I had to, stab Michael, he looks like he’d know his way around knives for some reason, so it will be a thrilling fight. Shoot Colson because he’s the Gunner, duh. Drown Luke, because the Easier video tub scenes were fkn hot.

fist fight, get drunk with, share a flat with - Fist fight Colson because I can’t imagine the other two. Get drunk with Luke because * **** **** * *** ******* **** *** ** ******* *****, *** * **** *** ** **** ******** ******* ******** ** **’* **** **** ********* ** **** *********. Share a flat with Michael because he’s not a slob.

fight aliens with, fight zombies with, fight capitalism with - Fight aliens with Colson because that man definitely believes they exist, and who am I to tell him otherwise, might as well join in on the fun. Fight zombies with Michael because he’s know how to from all of the zombie games he’s played. Fight capitalism with Luke because ** **** ***** **** *** *** ** ******* ** *** ***** *** ** ******* ** ** ******. Basically **’* ** * ***** ******* ****** ** **** **** *** ****.

write a book with, read a book to, hit with a book - Write a book with Luke, I’d fkn love to pick his brain. Read a book to Colson, he needs to sleep. Hit with a book - Michael, sometimes I want him to be more decisive (don’t do this at home kids, there are other ways to sort through your issues).

go on a six hour road trip with (no car radio, you choose who drives), sit next to on a six hour plane flight, sit across from on a six hour train journey - Road trip... definitely not Colson. I’m gonna go with Luke, he looks like the best driver out of the 4 of us, plus the red leather interior of his car looks sexy. Sit next to Michael on the plane because he’d sleep the entire trip. Sit next to Colson on the train because we’d have more room for his energetic self to move and I won’t get jostled too much from his bouncing leg.

go clothes shopping with, go to ikea with, go grocery shopping with - Shop for clothes with Michael because I don’t trust those other two. Absolutely not. IKEA is Luke maybe, I can definitely imagine him assembling furniture. Grocery shopping with Colson, that man eats healthy shit, might rub off on me too.

go to a wedding with, go to a party with, go to a museum with - Wedding with Michael because he’s the *calmest* of the 3. Party with Luke because of #2. Museum with Colson because I don’t really like museums, so he’d make it interesting for me, I’m sure.

share a car with, share a bank account with, share a cake with - Share a car with Luke, again, the red interior and he’s less prone to accidents (maybe) so less money on repairs. Share a bank account with Colson (although not really), he looks like he knows the value of money better than these other two, but he also spends a fuck ton of money (all three are #materialbitches really). Share a cake with Michael, idk why, both the car and the cake can be interchangeable between Michael and Luke tbh, and Col really crashed his car.

watch a soap opera with, go to a play with, watch your favourite movie with - Based on what I’ve seen them enjoy, soap operas with Luke, plays with Colson, movies with Michael; I don’t particularly like either of the 3.

netflix and chill with, go ice-skating with, play dodgeball against - I’m gonna assume that the first one means actually watching Netflix, so Michael because there’s the possibility of cuddles. Ice skating with Luke for no reason other than hockeyplayer!Luke; I won’t elaborate. Dodgeball against Colson because that competitive fucker is going down.

[whileyoursleeping]

over the course of my leave i have not slowed in my relentless need to watch charlie hunnam’s entire filmography and now i realise that my type is “blond boys who drink their respect women juice”

mindless and unasked for drivel beneath the cut

i’m still mad that undeclared only had one season (lloyd haythe, an 18 year old british boy going on a feminist rant about the effort required to raise a kid and keep a house for 20+ years and calling someone out on being a POS? in the first episode? ahead of its time)

i’m mad that the pacific rim sequel was totally shit (i love u john boyega but the wRITING jesus h christ) like WHERE. IS. RALEIGH BECKET. YOU COWARDS. they didn’t even MENTION him and you wanna tell me that him and mako DIDN’T have some sort of happily ever after whether it was platonic or not the disrespect

papillon was??? surprisingly good considering i don’t really like period pieces, i only ever saw rami malek in mr. robot like once but this? was a good movie?

i also watched the gentlemen which i didn’t really like all that much, but it DID have charlie hunnam’s character threatening to stab someone with a rolling pin, very on brand for me

triple frontier got amazing reviews but was... objectively not good BUT it had oscar isaac in it as well but i also never really recovered from batfleck so that kind of ruined it for me, also a character just sort of shrugs off a gunshot wound to the gut (medical inaccuracies are the bane of my fkn existence)

deadfall was a fkn trip but it was very jax-teller ish and as i say that i realise that a lot of charlie hunnam’s movies involve him playing some sort of aggressive belligerent asshole (but never towards women?)

i’m going to close off this rant by saying that raleigh becket is my emotional support character and that if you’ve gotten this far and you’re going “where the fuck is tethers/automatism/another oneshot” well i haven’t written any more of it because i’ve impulsively written a 20k raleigh becket/chuck hansen fic that will never see the light of day.

[the-cookie-of-doom]

Okay gonna go ahead and go for the biggest fic first because I’m a bit basic, but I’m curious: Estranged, with 2, 4, 8, 13, 14?

You’re not basic, you’re the best, bc i will literally NEVER get tired of talking about this fic, okay, I have put SO MANY SECRET THINGS into it for people to hit on and ask about,a nd also Ily <3 

2: What scene did you first put down?

Oooh you know, it’s actually be almost 2 years since I started this fic (begin it during 2018 NaNo, it completely derailed the original novel I intended to write rip) but I’m PRETTY SURE the first scene was actually the first one of the fic, where Stiles and his dad are in the airport. 

And then I don’t remember the exact order, but the first handful of scenes I wrote were: Mitch taking Stiles to Giovanni’s the first time; there’s a whole Thing where they go to Switzerland on a business trip that I had to take out bc it didn’t work anymore (but I will be rewriting and posting in the Deleted Scenes collection... eventually) and, funnily enough, I’ve had the last scene/chapter written since the very beginning. And it’s hardly changed at all, except for a few minor things such as bed vs. couch. 

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

Ahhh this one I was looking at and I was like, I have no fkn clue. I tend to hit on description more than dialogue lol. SO I’m going to skim through my favorite chapters real quick! 

I will say that the conversation they have about whether or not souls exist in chapter 5 was one of my most favorite bits of dialogue, and I was really excited to post that! But I’m trying to find a single line and I know there are a few, but i can’t fkn find them lmao

Okay I can’t find one single Line, but one of my favorite bits is when Stiles confronts Mitch at the fightclub (heavily shortened for brevity) 

“Are you afraid of me?” Mitch asked nastily, cruel. He grabbed Stiles, forced him back against the wall, hands tight around Stiles’ upper arms and likely leaving bruises of their own.

“You terrify me,” Stiles breathed in the barest whisper, a soft exhale into the scant space between them.

Oh, and this one was good. A perfect ending to chapter 14, I think. All that work, all that progress he thought he made, all for nothing. 

“I am void,” he breathed in a hollow echo.

And I really love the scene where Stiles leaves Mitch in the airport, because I am EMO. 

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it?

Nope! 

Okay wait, actually, I think I need to take that back. Chiara (Gio’s niece that has a crush on Mitch) wasn’t directly inspired by anyone, but I picked that name specifically because of my best friend (who’s name is not Chiara, btw. it’s complicated.) 

Also I will say that Felix is lowkey inspired by Billy Porter as Behold in AHS, personality wise. And I don’t typically have face claims for OCs, but I imagined him as a kind of blend between Billy Porter, Angela Basset in Black Panther, and Idris Elba as Heimdall. So basically very regal, but also very sassy. (He is also trans, which is something I couldn’t find a way to politely work in; it’s not something Stiles would know as a stranger, it would be weird for Mitch to out him, and Felix likely wouldn’t randomly out himself. But there’s a little meta for you guys.) 

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?

For this fic, I typically listened to winter ambiance mixes on youtube. Things like THIS, and THIS. Just gentle kinds of background noise that give off the vibe of the fic. Since Estranged takes place in winter, I like snow, for something like Tree of Life I listen to summery country-side vibes. Also Not Strong Enough by Apocolypta.... that is 100% the Estranged theme song, ngl. 

And I think I have a playlist kicking around here somehwere? Yup, HERE we go. 

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

Uhhh I don’t think so? Aside from discovering that wonderfulness that is Stitch, I didn’t really go into this with any meaning beforehand. But I do really love how a lot of people have hit on Stiles’ path to recovery; how he really is slowly getting better, and that this fic wasn’t just pointless torture porn, when it could have easily gone that direction. So It’s been really great to see some people relate to/be inspired by? that?? And at its heart, Estranged was always about recovery. 

Ty for the questionssss <3 <3 <3 as always, if you have any others, I’m totally down *eyes emoji bc I’m on desktop* 

[madonna-la-cardinalessa]

The Borgias Review 02.02 “Paolo”

As always, this is for entertainment only!

Review under the cut:

4:30 [Giulia after a night with Rodrigo]

Sandy: Look, Giulia tries to look sexy and fails

7:22 [Prince Alfonso of Aragon is tortured to death]

- no pic cuz too gory -

Leni: NoOoOoOoO my poor babyyyyy T_______T (yes, I did like him!!!)

10:17 [fake!Ascanio Sforza enters the scene]

Sandy: Oh no, look: it’s Fake-Sforza

11:40 [Rodrigo has no plan what’s going on in Rome and blames fake!Ascanio for not handeling the stuff better]

Leni: What kind of abilities does Rodrigo as a pope actually have??

Sandy: praying and humping

12:00 [fake!Giuliano has got a capuchin who has to test all his food]

Leni: Not again a fkn monkey

Sandy: And again I say, that capuchins come from south America. Friendly reminder that America wasn’t discovered there yet.

Even though the storyline in this show makes less sense than in Borgia Faith and Fear, I admit that according to the events that happened during the past episodes it might be possible that we already are in 1498 in which it would be possible to have a capuchin as a pet.

15:20 [Rodrigo going on a night trip with Giulia&Victoria to get to know peasant’s life. However, Rodrigo does not seem to get the situation of some beggars.]

Leni: Omg Rodrigo, you’re not yourself >.<”

Sandy: Have a snickers! xD

19:45 [Giulia will take care for charity finances, the nameless cardinal is not amused (Sandy told me that this one might be the non-existing Cardinal Versucci mentioned in the s1 end credits]

Sandy: *annoyed* Great, now Giulia is also a financial genius.

27:00 [Juan secretly follows Lucrezia who is about to meet Perotto Paolo]

Leni: Does he follow her because he is a.) curious b.) cares for his sis who goes outside at night alone or c.) cares for his family’s reputation

Sandy: a and c!

36:00 [After he let Paolo in, Cesare secretly follows him and Lucrezia]

- no pic -

Leni: lol Cesare secretly goes crying

Sandy: No, he secretly goes stalking

38:50 [Micheletto strangling a whore saying: “I can hear what you are thinking.”]

Sandy: OH SO HE’S A TELEPATH NOW?

I forgot to ask her for general thoughts xD Mine were: Poor Paolo and that this episode was better than the last one. Also Juan finally starts to annoy me while I found him cute in season 1. 

[isauntervaguelydownwards]

I will be there at your side

Title: I will be there at your side Fandom: Good Omens Pairing: Aziraphale/Crowley Wordcount: 2843 Square filled: O2 - “One shouldn’t miss the forest for the trees” Rating: T Warnings: Lotsa pining bc they’re just Like That A/N: Title is from Queen’s Love of My Life. This was a fkn trip and a half to write lemme tell u. Link (if posted to AO3): I will be there at your side 

@as-the-saying-goes-bingo 

Aziraphale accepted the note from Crowley, and it took a second for the two words - written in the demon’s familiar scrawl - to actually register with him. It was as through an observer’s eyes he experienced the rest of the conversation, a sinking feeling swooping through him. 

It was first when Aziraphale faced even the mere possibility of something permanently hurting Crowley that he realised what he’d been feeling for so long.

Aziraphale was an angel in love with a demon, which wouldn’t hurt so much if it weren’t for the fact that he could, quite literally, sense love - and he had never sensed any love from Crowley aimed at him.

When Aziraphale storms away from the demon, he’s unaware he won’t see him again for nigh on 80 years. Unbeknownst to the angel, Crowley decides a nap is in order and accidentally sleeps for 75 years. 

Aziraphale thinks that maybe - and the thought is more than unbearable, it’s unimaginable, but he can’t help but think… what if Crowley got ahold of that water, despite Aziraphale refusing to help him? What if something went wrong and Crowley’s - gone? Worse, what if something went right, according to Crowley, and he’s gone?

When the thought strikes him, Aziraphale - for the first time ever on his own - gets absolutely souzed. He drinks himself into oblivion, because the thought of a world without Crowley is the thought of a world not worth living in. 

Time goes on, as is its wont, and every year that passes without Aziraphale even hearing word about Crowley is a year where he breaks down further, entirely certain the demon is gone forever. He may have just recently realised it, but he’s loved Crowley for a very long time, and even if the feeling isn’t returned - won’t ever be returned, for that matter - at least he had his friendship. 

The sheer relief of seeing Crowley hot-footing it into the church almost makes Aziraphale faint - only the fact that there are also three nazis in the church keeps him upright. The realisation of how much it hurts, well, that creates a seed of false hope in Aziraphale’s heart.

Then he saves the books and if Aziraphale wasn’t in love before he absolutely is now, and the seed grows roots, tiny tiny tendrils of hope.

When Crowley offers him a lift home, when he doesn’t even hint about their conversation in the park - when Crowley talks about his car, Aziraphale feels a tendril of love shoot through the demon’s aura.

The seed sprouts.

Despite himself, despite his misgivings about it, when he hears about Crowley planning a caper, of all things, just to get the holy water, well. Aziraphale gets on with blessing. Now, an angelic prayer isn’t all that much more powerful than a human prayer, but an angelic blessing performed out of love?

Nothing holier.

What took the longest, however, was finding a tartan thermos. He could have miracled one, of course, but that would have made it all feel cheap, somehow. Then again, the tartan thermos flask wasn’t expensive, but the effort he had to go to to find one made it feel… more, somehow.

Handing it over feels almost like signing his own death warrant, rather than signing Crowley’s - but somehow, it feels almost like it’d be better if it’s holy water Aziraphale himself has blessed, instead of holy water from a church. Who knows how badly blessed it’d be, anyway?

No, better he die by love, if he necessarily had to. 

Aziraphale had a hope that he’d know when Crowley used the water, if it was his own - and Aziraphale had access to hellfire, if necessary.

A world without Crowley was not a world worth living in. That, Aziraphale felt, was an undeniable truth.

“You go too fast for me, Crowley,” he said, having given the demon the flask that could spell both their ends. Between one blink of an eye and the next, Aziraphale is gone from the car. He had felt a sense of wonder from Crowley in the moment he was handed the tartan flask, a feeling that renewed the little seed that sprouted over two decades earlier.

That sprout is a tiny sapling of desperate hope, nourished by every angel Crowley utters. 

All of it - the ridiculous hope, thoughts of what might happen, all of it - takes a backseat when Crowley calls, and all of a sudden time is at a premium. Eleven years. That hopeful sprout honestly takes the backseat in a car fifty cars back in a mile long queue.

Aziraphale didn’t have a single clue what on God’s green earth made him agree to raising the Antichrist, but something did. What possesses him to be the gardener is even more inexplicable.

Crowley adores Warlock, despite himself - Aziraphale can feel the love Warlock feels being mirrored, amplified, returned by the demon. The sprout moves a few cars closer. If Crowley can love the Antichrist, can love what seems a human child, thinks Aziraphale, mayhaps he could…

Aziraphale isn’t ashamed to admit (if the right entity asks) that the years he spent as Brother Francis are the best of his existence - not because it was rewarding (it was, raising a child and all) but because he gets to spend so much time almost close to Crowley. They’ve spent the ages orbiting one another, and during the Dowling estate years their orbits come close enough to be almost one and the same.

Warlock had asked, in the innocently curious way of children everywhere, if he was in love with ‘Nanny Ashtoreth’. Aziraphale found he couldn’t lie, not about that. As an angel he shouldn’t be lying, period, but - sometimes, white lies were better than the truth. He tried to deny it, of course he did but he loved Crowley too much to ever say the opposite, even in the guise of a gardener and a nanny.

“Why don’t you marry Nanny, Brother Francis?” Warlock asked, and Aziraphale choked on nothing. “If you love her, shouldn’t you marry her? That’s what mummy and daddy did.” Aziraphale, very carefully, didn’t let his thoughts about Mr. and Mrs. Dowling’s loving (or lack thereof) marriage show on his face.

“B’cause, m’dear boy,” Aziraphale said, voice thick with unshed tears, “while I adore Nanny most ardently, she doesn’t return the feeling.”

In return, Warlock had only given him a long look, mannerism older than his years, and shook his head before dropping the subject. Aziraphale didn’t know quite what to make of that, so he put it out of his mind in favour of showing Warlock where a sparrow had her nest.

Armageddon came ever closer, all of it culminating when the hell hound didn’t show up. They had officially lost the Antichrist (and probably traumatised another child, all for nothing). Aziraphale couldn’t bring himself to regret any of it, however; he’d been allowed, almost encouraged even, to spend a lot of time in close quarters with Crowley - what was there to regret?

What Aziraphale did regret was that he didn’t have time to tell Crowley where the Antichrist was - and therefore where Armageddon was happening - before he was discorporated. Thankfully he didn’t meet any of the higher up angels while indisposed, so making his way back to Earth worked out quite well, despite it all.

Crowley, dear, beloved, unbelievable Crowley. Aziraphale was for the first time happy he can’t see the demon. He could hear him, and that was enough. Crowley was drunk enough that had he been human he’d be dead by alcohol poisoning, and he sounded wrecked. Aziraphale didn’t know who the friend was, but Crowley was clearly torn up about it happening. Yet, the demon had managed to save the book, the only book that actually mattered in the long run.

Then, Armageddon. The sheer relief Aziraphale felt, seeing the blazing inferno that had once been an immaculate Bentley driving up to the army base - nothing had ever come close. 

In the middle of a battle for the rest of the world, an angel threatened a demon, and time stopped. When time started again, humanity had two occult beings and the Antichrist on their side - and not even the Great Plan could beat that. It was simply ineffable.

Going on advice from a seer 400 years dead might seem, well, inadvisable, but that was all they had, so they did. Hell was awful, and Aziraphale swore to himself he’d do anything in his power to prevent Crowley from going back. By the looks on the faces of the assembled demons, he’d pretty much managed, too.

When everything is said and done, faces swapped back and the world toasted, they go back to the bookshop that is miraculously standing, as is their wont. Aziraphale resists the urge to catalogue the contents in favour of corking up a beautiful bottle of ‘97 Napa cabernet sauvignon. 

They’re well into their fourth bottle by the time Aziraphale brings it up.

“I am sorry, dear boy, about your friend,” he says, not noticing Crowley’s eyes widening behind his glasses. He does notice when the demon chokes on the mouthful of wine he’d just taken, though. “Whatever is the matter, Crowley?”

“My friend? What on earth are you talking about, angel?” Crowley’s too shocked to manage the scorn he was going for, ending up somewhere around worried instead.

“You said you lost your best friend, and you were grieving and,” the angel in question says, a bit too drunk to care about how worked up he’s getting over a being he doesn’t even know. “And then I had to interrupt your grieving and, well.”

Crowley opens his mouth to say something, closes it again. Raises a finger as if to say first of all, but changes it to whipping his sunglasses off, tucking them into a pocket and rubbing at his eyes with the other hand. He picks up the glass of Bordeaux that burns like tequila going down.

“Are you daft? You really are the stupidest clever person I’ve ever even seen,” Crowley finally says, serpentine eyes focusing (with difficulty) on the angel on the other side of the table. Aziraphale feels like he should be offended, but he’s a bit too drunk to actually manage the effort for feeling anything but relief. “It was you, angel. I’d lost you. The bookshop was burning and I couldn’t feel you anywhere, and I genuinely thought I was too late.”

Aziraphale’s glass of pinot noir turns into a rather surprised tumbler of whiskey without him noticing. A sprout, smothered by the events of the past eleven years, turns green again. He sternly tells that useless hope to quiet down, please, nothing for you here.

“I’m sorry, dear boy, what - me?” If Aziraphale knew anything about computers, he’d liken his current mental state to the infamous blue screen of death.

“Of course you, who else would it be?” Crowley put his glasses back on. Aziraphale mourns the hiding of his absolutely beautiful eyes.

“You said - on the phone - old friend?” Aziraphale feels at a loss for words, a first while in the company of Crowley. 

“Hastur and Ligur - well, only Hastur by then, I’d melted Ligur,” Crowley says, waving it off as if he hasn’t rocked Aziraphale’s world to its foundations in only a short conversation. 

“But - even though I said all those - I was mean, Crowley!” He knows he’s more or less working himself into a fit, swallows the Bordeaux-turned-whiskey in one go, not that that’s likely to help. “I shouldn’t be a - a priority! Especially not in the middle of Armageddon!”

They’re both really drunk by now, which is probably the only reason Crowley says what he does.

“Well, I’ve been in love with you for six thousand years, angel, a little spat isn’t gonna change that, is it?” It takes a minute for it to dawn on them what he just said, Crowley a second quicker on the uptake and therefore a second quicker to sober up. When Aziraphale’s sober again, Crowley is halfway to the door.

“Crowley! Crowley, stay!” he says, not half as loud as he tried but apparently loud enough. The demon stops, defeat in the slump of his shoulders. Aziraphale crosses the shop floor quickly enough not even he is certain whether he used a miracle to do it or not. He reaches out to touch Crowley, but the demon flinches away before he makes contact, turning around and drawing himself up. Aziraphale gets the feeling he’s trying to make himself larger, more intimidating - less likely to be hurt.

“What, Aziraphale?” he hisses, glaring - not that Aziraphale can see that, but he knows him. Knows how he will be glaring behind the glasses, knows that he’s hurting simply by the way he’s hissing on every word. Knows that Aziraphale loves Crowley and - Crowley loves Aziraphale? “You don’t feel the same so let me go home to lick my wounds in peace and then we can have dinner in - a year or something, when I’m past the embarrassment.”

“No, dear, I just never thought…” he trails off, raising a hand to hover uncertainly between them.

“What? Because I’m a demon, and I can’t feel love?” Crowley takes a step back, and Aziraphale lets the hand drop. 

“Of course you can feel love! You love the Bentley, you loved Warlock, you even love feeding the ducks!” His tone is strident, he has to make Crowley understand. “I have felt your love for one thing after another for centuries, Crowley, so your ability to love was never the question!”

“Then what! What is so surprising about the fact that I love you, have loved you and will continue to love you until She sees fit to remake the universe, and I can’t guarantee that will make me stop loving you?!” Crowley says, taking several steps forward until Aziraphale is forced to back up or be walked into. It’s the same as when they were at the former convent, not even a week ago, yet the air is charged in a way it wasn’t then.

“Because I never thought you could feel the same for me as I feel for you, dearest.” The words bring Crowley to a halt.

“...what?” 

“I love you too, Crowley. Have for a very long time.” Again, Aziraphale brings his hand up, this time Crowley doesn’t flinch back, so he puts his hand to his cheek. “I never felt an inkling from you, that you would feel the same - never did I dare hope.”

Crowley turns his cheek into Aziraphale’s hand, brings his own up to hold it, to keep it there. He doesn’t resist when the angel reaches up and takes his glasses off, and Aziraphale’s breath catches at the look in his eyes. 

Crowley leans down, hesitating a hair’s breadth from Aziraphale’s lips, the two of them sharing unneeded breaths - Aziraphale can’t take it anymore, leans up and closes the last few millimetres between them. As he does, as he kisses Crowley like he’s wanted to for two hundred years, he can’t help but whimper. 

Aziraphale can feel Crowley’s love for him, and all of a sudden he realises that the reason he’s never felt it is simply because he’s been missing the forest for all the trees. The love Crowley feels is so all-encompassing, ever-present, that Aziraphale’s been so enveloped in it he hasn’t even noticed.

They’re so in-sync that they don’t know who pulls the other closer, who deepens the kiss, but they stay there, kissing in the middle of the bookshop, for a long time. When they eventually break the kiss, Crowley leans his forehead to Aziraphale’s, eyes closed but with a small smile on his face.

“If I’m dreaming, angel, please don’t wake me up just yet,” he murmurs, running his fingers through Aziraphale’s hair. Aziraphale can’t help but lean into it, is as close to purring as a non-cat ever gets. Nonetheless, he’s the first of them to pull away.

“I am so sorry, dearest, that I didn’t tell you, but - well, I think I just didn’t see the forest for the trees, and well,” he says, watching as Crowley opens his eyes. For the first time, he sees the love shining in them for what it is. The smile on Crowley’s face is fond, and Aziraphale can’t believe how he never saw it before. “I could never believe you’d love me like this.”

“You’d better believe it, angel - and now I’m definitely not ever going to stop loving you.” 

As declarations of ever-lasting love go, it’s maybe not the flashiest, but it is the most sincere Aziraphale has ever heard.

An angel and a demon go to bed together in a flat in Soho, for the first time daring to cuddle close and whisper sweet nothings that have been on the tip of their tongues for almost as long the Earth’s been around. 

I do not play dice with the universe; I play an ineffable game of My own devising and this - this was always one of the sidequests. 

[talaricula]

i’M SORRY for taking a trip back to 2012 but Dan’s coming out video gave me All the feels

it’s very touching in the sense that it’s the first time i’ve seen a “mirror” in those kind of videos. it’s not an example i look up to, it’s not looking at a person coming out after me who i’m proud of. it’s someone who went through Very similar shit i went through, has very similar feels about it, and is largely comfortable and confident now but still hasn’t worked through all their feelings and trauma about what they were put through as a child/teenager. 

i don’t know him, he doesn’t know i exist, but i’ve been watching him for like eight years and in some sense our “growing up” has been quite parallel and it’s very emotional to see him talk about it

particularly feelsy bits

bullied for being visibly gay since FKN! PRIMARY! AND ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL! and no one sticking up for you, not rly, not even your “friends” (at least in primary. secondary i’d gotten better at tuning it out and friends played shield rather than sword, which was what i wanted most of the time - though i admit sometimes i’d have liked a sword :p)

“gay” (in my case: “lesbian”) only ever heard as smth Bad and Awful and justifying mistreatment for years and your knee-jerk reflex, even subconsciously, being, NO THAT’S NOT ME THAT’S BAD I AM NOT BAD

puuuuberty! look at this friend their eyes are so pretty their hands are so nice i want them to kiss me-fuCK I’M A BIT GAY

“i feel hopelessly in unrequited love with my best friend and it crushed me and later on it turned out (they were) gay and just specifically didn’t like me. double shot!” HA! HAAAAA!  

waffling on for YEARS about admitting smth to yourself that you ALREADY KNOW just bc you Cannot be queer. you Can’t. that would be proving the bullies right and justifying TEN! FUCKING! YEARS! of daily abuse. (yes the only time i ever asked a boy out was SMACK BANG in the middle of my Being In Love With Friend But Swimming In Denial Period)

ex-bullies ambiguously hitting on you at the end of high school (why???? why is this a thing?)

particular relationships where romantic feelings and best-friendship blur into smth super deep that, for the first time, make you feel genuinely safe and loved (shout out to Moonrax anno 2012-2015 (non-romantic on her part, Deeply Ambiguous on mine, but Essential and genuinely the nr 2 deepest and most impactful relationship of my life) and Lilou since (being loved, respected, admired, desired, trusted, protected, for entirely who you are, is SO healing and cleansing y’all. could Not imagine the impact of such a relationship at age 18). like srsly, if you feel awful about yourself: one person. one person who feels simultaneously familiar and comfortable and like they are nestled into the very core of your being in a fundamentally overwhelming way. it saves you. and you will meet at least one of them)

rly ambiguous feels about a label that describes you in a functional way but was used to hurt you for years, complicated by the fact that it doesn’t strictly apply to you (i was bullied for being “a lesbo” for YEARS and. i’m not a lesbian. but in the sense that they meant it, i am, and they were right, and it’s painful bc AHHHH I DESERVED IT (no i didn’t. they were dicks.) but also IT’S GOOD ACTUALLY! AND THE LIFE THEY DERIDED SO MUCH IS! GOOD! GREAT EVEN! and i wanna RECLAIM THAT! and it DOES apply to me so i feel real kinship with that label despite feeling, for those two reasons, a bit uncomfortable actually applying it to myself)

his particular brand of “FUCK Y’ALL I’VE SUFFERED ENOUGH AND YOU DO NOT GET TO HURT ME MORE. RESPECT MY FEELINGS AND LEAVE ME ALONE.” and “BBIES! I MUST PROTECC YOU AND I PROMISE YOU IT WILL BE OKAY AND I WILL PERSONALLY FIGHT ANYONE WHO TRIES TO HURT YOU aaand i guess that means being more vulnerable than i’m comfy with sometimes in order to show that things Do Get Better” is. v familiar. whoops.

[ageofultron]

answer 21 questions and tag 21 people you want to know better

tagged by @stevebxcky​​ and @jamesbvck (i think there was someone else but i don’t remember sorry)

nicknames: lu/lulu zodiac sign: aries height: 5’6 hogwarts house: hufflepuff/slytherpuff the last thing i googled: the word randomness to see if it existed lol favorite musicians: no one in particular song stuck in your head: the end credits song from iron man 3. so fkn good following: 194 followers: 1.6k do you get asks: sometimes! amount of sleep: 6-7-8 hours lucky number: 13 what you’re wearing: beige cargo pants, a white shirt and black converse dream job: actress/working in film production dream trip: london. but really everywhere instruments: guitar a tiny bit languages: spanish and english favorite songs: atm emoji of a wave by john mayer random fact: i gotta change my phone case like every two weeks or the world will explode aesthetic: lazy rainy days at home, oversized sweaters, a cup of coffee, forests and fields

tagging: @perfectopposite @oldbrooklynsoul @wandazmaximoff @rhodesjames @quantumarvel @floatingpetals @chrisheavans no pressure!

[ramblingshit]

Jane Eyre - 1996 - 2/5

what even is acting. what even is a script.

wasn't gonna do this one but fuck it's aunt petunia and rogue. here we go.

lots of credits fairo. more credits. damn fukin eh - i hear you're a wicked child! lol hi. now we're talking about hell and where bad people go. 'keep well and not die' ahaha m8. fkn reed putting seed in that she's a liar. teach her at her prospects, don't let her come back, she's a lying little shit take her away from here. he's appropriately scary oh shit she's saying this in front of the priest. damn tear that lady a new one. unruly, obstinate, wicked, deceitful, man these people hate kids who act out. walks in and damn she's on teh stool already - IS THAT THE LADY FROM PERSUASION. damn she just got here and he's telling everyone to not trust her, she doesn't get to eat and has to stand - she's just done hours of travelling fuckin assholes. IT IS THE LADY FROM PERSUASION. shes got dark hair and dark eyes and shes like glaring at everyone like shes onna kill him in their sleep. lol enjoy helen while she's alive. eatin bread and cheese in bed like she's not gonna get crumbs. omg telling these kids how to stand properly what why this lady hate her she's gonna cane her for not washing her hands. bish doesn't even flinch go helen. 'cleanliness is next to godliness' alright crazy. this school is a lot more chill than most of the others - they're laughing and doing what they want as well as learning and playing games. making jane out to be a pro artist. oh no ol mate saw her with her hair out. no dont cut it. 'vanity?' shes out here with naturally long, red and curly hair and he's out here calling her vain? because he recognises it as lovely she must be vain about it? what a fkn dickhole get off your high horse sexist moron pig anus head. what. he's saying her naturally  iwgh what i don't even understand his shit - it isn't offending him thats the issue its her naturally occuring sin and vanity (because her hair exists?) that is the issue??  what. lol go Jane. NO. oh fuck go Jane go. this guyyyy. don't do it Jane. chin held high she only does it when Helen nods at her to. DAAAAAAAAMN. took of her own bonnet. if Helen's hair goes so does Janes. they stood together looked at each other and flipped their heads over for him to go snip snip, bish looked shock and actually stepped back in horror. What a bae. Helen's fkn dying send help. fuck this lady should not be working with children considering how much she hates children. o shit where's helen. her beds all rolled up. can hear her hacking away in the distance. yikes that sounds bad. jane be creepin. oh fuck she's a terrible actress even as a kid. who honestly thinks its a good idea to hire her. she lying in her dying friend's bed and she's breathing all over her. isn't anna paquin australian? no? ah new zealand fairo. oh fuck Helen's daed. she's trying to squeeze out tears ahah oh no. she can't manage it. anna go back to new zealand you suck at acting who hired you ever. Riparoonies helen. that was actually the greatest jane and helen moment i've seen tbh. oh damn cool transition as she walked from helen's grave - she went from kid to adult. whats this part down the midde all of them got. Miss Temple fam, persuasion lady, fantastic lady, crying as Jane leaves like her mumma. this jane is long-flat-faced with a long protruding jaw, and very tall and skinny. thornfield looks like its already burned down ahaha. straight up castle here. she's got her drawing stuff as well as her bag. nice friendly ol mate meets her and opens the gates - big ass square this is some game of thrones shit yearh this place is like medieval more than victorian. the middle parted hair and the curled twists behind her head they're pretty much exactly the same in most Janes. all chillin and chatting about this together rather than completely separate. adele actually legit sounds french rather than just pretending? noice. dreary, cold, dark halls. her room is bright and airy with a four-poster bed and bay windows and lots of very nice furniture. river runs beside it; enormous tapestries; main gallery with lots of furniture and paintings and sculpures all covered in sheets with windows open to let in light; the doors are very large and heavy. Janes got a very long neck she looks legit like a fkn swan lmao. ooh a rochester backstory. well-travelled, intelliegent, can't tell if he's talking in jest or in earnest, or if he is pleased or irritated, not a happy man. they're just walking about in his rooms. the sun shines bright but cannot reach them through the thick mist. they're very soft-spoken. god her head is so far forward she's like the alien - long ass neck stretching forward and then her chin and jaw stretching wayyyy forward. wack wack anatomy.  it's very dark and dreary. she's off for a walk leaving adele to do like 5 sums. oh she's been here five minutes and they're already meeting. the music is like ... not appropriately intense? he just sorta looked at her, the horse tripped over and then he was on the floor and she's like whoops uh you alright bro. he's outright lying and pretending that he's not rochester his hair is grotty he's got like no hair on top they've just tries to scraggle it. this is so stunted and awkward. i hope it gets better. he's very gentle and she's pretty nonexistent to far. my god very gentle man. what. is he even rochester? that's a german shepherd. noice. playin chess by himself by the fire lol. this movie would be made infinitely better by an actual soundtrack. they're all chilling together again it's interesting - adele and fairfax and rochester and jane. wait she's been here 4 months. it literally didn't show anything about her chilling here. she talked back and now he's grumpy lol. what a terrible start compared to like... every other first convo. isn't she supposed to be not great at piano and yet she's teaching adele -- wait now we're at another convo between the duo. this convo is the other half of --- wait now we're talking sketches? jesus she hmm what are they talking about she's being forward and fuck her chin twists forward as she speaks she kinda looks like the wicked witch of the west. he's judging her drawings like he can do better. this is a mess? the best part about this so far is adele.  there's no sense of time. adele is gorgeous honestly. she's pale and gaunt with bags beneath her eyes. wait here's the next part of the conversation. blunt and brusque replies from her. god they're so obviously acting its painful. they have no chemistry because the CONVERSATION IS ALL OVER THE PLACE. they've done it on pruspose to try stretch things out a bit but like plz EY why he scrunch up the drawing wtf. 'and remember the shadows are as important as the light'. dudes. these are private conversations? it would be alright to try it more naturally but they're just not the kind of things you casually say. it's impersonal and there's no intimacy. sit there and watch a kid dance to the sound of a music box. he's so grumpy looking. now snapping at the kid. he's annoying. like a violent dude he feels more like a nice guy quick to snap - definitely kinda unhinged. and now drunk. hmm i don't like it. she told him not to be mean to adele and he rages about her mother, 'you've made adele feel unwanted and unloved' damn this Jane goes for the throat. she's too good for him I can see it now m8. he's a psycho run. red flag red flag. don't like it. lol he wake up like huh.... oh look beds on fire... huh... well suppose i should sort it out... huh... fuck they're barely acting huh. do they even want to be here. how much are these guys getting paid. he's literally a drunk. and has she had a drink in her life? she just went for it? omg so impersonal - isn't he supposed to be already half in love with her by this point? camera angle just flicks forward and back as the conversation goes on and when theres action it just pans back to the widest shot ever lol just show the entire scene why give any emphasis or focus to anything who needs reaction shots and feelings of being in it rather than observing it. fkn ey. he's literally just an angry blitering brooding drunk yikes. he's staring at her tits? these conversations man... he definitely just said jade instead of jane. m8 don't tell me he didn't. there's more intimacy between all the servants and jane and feeling more like an actual squad living together than there is any feeling between rochester and jane. adeles got a frog lol cute. 'you're a fool,' jane tells her reflection. this music is so shit it's bringing everything down. rochester, who's been an unfeeling ass the whole time, holds her hand once and now she's got a big crush on him. she's very spirited - to the point where she could too easily be cruel. like it's not just a repressed forcefulness it's like a hidden rage. can see her going mad and chopping someone up with icy rage and poised pleasure. wonder if i'm in a mood and interpreting this wrong? but honestly. dancing rochester now? instead of singing. adele is glaring at Mrs Ingram who just insulted jane lolol go kid she's definitely the best part. the background people actually make this place feel alive and natural, completely unlike their FUCKING AWFUL conversations. jesus what. god could you have two people less interested in each other? i think this fairfax knows about bertha. there's a 'tapestry bedroom'? lol what does that mean. they're dancing, playing cards, piano, the lot. oh the walls are literally covered in tapestries, that's creepy af. theres so much blood my dude would be dead yo. will hurt like doesn't know how to act. wwait theyve skipped my 'fav scene'?? theyre shaking hands again, wtf is this. wait what shes just met stjohn n he;s the one telling her all about the reeds? petunias dying 'love me then or hate me as you will - you have my full and free forgiveness' - i cant forgive any version that misses that out: its so powerful as part of her character. stalking her while he smokes in the dark what a creeper. 'how cuold you be so stupid!' lol fight him Jane i dont even know how we got to kissing likr the movie is almost 2 hours and yet it feels SO rushed. literally took away all the secret courting and his sneaky declarations. shes a modern woman trapped in an old age.  she is so skinny. and with entirely stiff expressions. ew he makes me so uncomfortable. theyre not even trying lol. acting ey acting have u heard of it. just left jane at the altar like bye bitch.shes just in a giant empty ugly room. bertha is a very young and frightened girl but also very sick in the typical long white dress and long dark hair. god this guy is a whingebum. bertha understands everything he's saying. oh yikes lol she just whipped a log from the fire and went after Jane and Jane just put her veil back down with like a sigh turned and yeeted slowly away long ass veil over a white bonnet, silk cape thing in a dark hallway walking all miserable. she's outies lol he's just let her walk out? i love u and i love u. bye. bertha's taken another log from the fire and lit the wedding dress on fire along with the house ahaha. wait he let her leave the house then ran after her on horseback but had to stop after bertha lit the place on fire it started burning and we're actually seeing it happen? interesting. the house is burning, pepople are running, bertha's on the battlements and rochester is going up there to --oh fuck grace poole got yeeted over by bertha oh she's flying ahahaha jumped down to where she threw grace poole. rochesters in the fire. jane's off and racing. it's all happened at once. she went to stjohns, didn't even get dumped in teh marshes but down she goes after chilling in a coach for 3 days. shes been there a month. her jaw is so long and forward its creepy. again one fo the few telling her that she's wealthy from inheritance from her uncle. more backstory. she was deeply loved by her parents, now she's wealthy, lifes looking up but she's all upset after than asshole lol move on and be happy. she's hearing his voice on the wind like please chill. damn 6months. what. um. he's very awkwardly trying to propose? but its like the last half of the conversation with the first bit just cut out. so weird. she looks normal face-on. oh she decides after the proposal to go back - none of that chasing after voices nonsense. whoops that shit burned downnn. doggoooo is still alive. what a good boy. fuck me there's like no anticipation, no intensity, no build-up, no chemistry, it's so dry and cold and heartless. christ acting. act. acting. act. please. act. what is happening. act. she has the neck of a swan ol mate. fucking gross. their words are stilted, and not romantic in the slightest and especially not in their delivery. theyre walking with no kids but the dog but they're talking about the kids. oh my god. that was pretty fkn awful. like seriously not good.

[ziracona]

I don't think that anyone has asked yet, so how's Ace, nea and Min doing after the events in ILM? What do they choose to do??

Really well!

Ace has a lot of money in gold, so he basically retires. Invests some, saves some, does some charity work, and also finds and cons rich people into paying exorbitant money for realm collectible souvenirs so he can have more money to put to a good use. Looks after the girls, visits his family and gives them money, travels a lot. They keep the Indiana house, but I think end up with one or two other small homes in other countries. Usually them out cheap to college students or people in need whenever they aren’t living there.

Min goes back to pro esports for a year, but decides she’s kind of over it. Starts a twitch channel instead, and a patreon. Gets hugely popular off existing fame from gaming and the realm, and is known for her wild commentaries and agressive playstyle. Twitch streams a bunch of stuff with Nea too. Takes her money to buy her friends gifts and go places, but also uses some of it to help people and causes she cares about. Nea does art, and gets some of her murals into a gallery and is super happy. Even with fame, it’s not exactly what should be a life-sustaining job, but Min and Ace don’t really give a damn and pay for homes. Nea feels bad about this, but Min is like “Brah like. You get how wack it is that you spend hours doing labor and hard work to make paintings with spray paint, while I get on Twitch and play Witcher for two hours and make more than you do a day, right? You’re not lazy shits just fucked, and we can’t change that but like, fkn don’t feel bad economy is what it is. I’m not doing anything more valuable or hard than you are, and I love your stuff, and I make you do Twitch with me so you should get a cut of that too anyway. Never feel bad people don’t appreciate art as much as they should. Get mad if you want, but if you stare thinking you suck because I can make a shit ton by having name recognition and wearing a cute top while I shoot zombies, I will smack you and then make you go on a romantic trip to feel better for a whole week.” And she feels a lot better, and decides to try to branch out and learn more and improve herself as an artist and find what exactly she might want to do with it.

Both girls get pretty invested in trying to help programs for girls, and then just teens in general, with bad home lifes, and helping them to safer situations and more opportunities for the future. Ace has a lot of money, Nea some, and Min quite a bit, but they’re not like, /loaded/—like, Park-Family loaded, so, they have quite a bit to spend, but still have to think and pay attention too. And they try to. They splurge on trips and fun times, but buy cheap stuff at home and Ace forced himself to be responsible with a savings account, and all three hate the idea of having to learn to do money responsibly, but they do. And, with that, figure out how to sustain and plan and still have plenty they can donate where they think it’s needed. Nea and Meg have a conversation one night about how weird it is to have /some/ money when they were both dirt poor before, lose their minds over an idea they get, and then spend the next week tracking down online friends and old pals irl, and people who like, were kind to then when they were younger, or helped out Meg’s Mom when she needed that, and give each one a thousand bucks. Which should have kinda cleaned those two out a little, but David is like *coughs inconspicuously, hides money in a drawer so they can think they just had more all along* and gives them some in support of how sweet that is and becuase while he is a rich boy, he’s a real decent man and he’s doing his best. (They pick almost 30 people between them, so give away 30,000 dollars as thanks for being a friend or kind, sometimes to nearly complete strangers. This is paid for with their supply of cash from their realm gold, which Ace helped both sell for more then face value to collectors. For several survivors, it’s like winning a baby lottery and suddenly having a couple thousand to couple hundred thousand Gs, and for most of them that’s like, buy a house, pay off my parents’a mortgage, lose my student loan debt, plus some left over for future life, hella life-changing kind of money. And so Nea and Meg are like “Yooo! We could actually kinda help old friends like we always used to want to! And it turns into this. So like—Lots of people on like, Meg’s ancient Percy Jackson RP forum getting “hey u got PayPal?” PMs for a chick they were tight with fifteen years ago and are like “?? Scam huh.” And take some real convincing, then live out a great but surreal next week. Min gets in on this too, but she only had like one friend, rip.)

In a lot of ways, both girls and even Ace are still find in themselves though. Regrettably I don’t know what anyone from ILM does after the first like 5-10 years, so I’m not sure how it ends up—yet anyway—but they’re a solid support system and loving family, and I think whatever direction they end up choosing, they’re gonna do just fine.