#experiences that make a lot more sense to me in retrospect

[flownwrong]

chaotic ckr c6d squee propaganda (?) post

This, started half a year ago for @ds30below, was initially a general c6d short reviews post but kinda skewed majorly towards CKR's repertoire and wasn't too review-y. So I gave up on making sense and on including the non-CKR works. I don't know who the audience for this is, because I never give basic details for people who don't know about this stuff but say too much for those who do. I giffed what I could and tried to avoid what I know a lot about but haven't actually seen. Here goes.

Frank's Cock (1993)

Not much to say. It's only 8 minutes, it's beautiful and you should see it if you haven't. I won't spoil the subject, but you can likely guess. Watch it, cry a little. Then go watch some more of Mike Hoolboom's stuff, the vimeo link above is from his channel.

Two X-Files episodes (1994 – 1995)

Well, I haven't actually seen X-files since I was about fifteen and watched the like two seasons, and I remember none of it. I rewatched the two early episodes CKR appears in and they were fun. I did not watch the, the movie or whatever where he's doing the evil gay thing. But really, this one is on the list so I can show you this self-indulgent gif of him being Very Long:

Double Happiness (1994)

You shouldn't watch this one for CKR. I mean, you absolutely should see him here, looking like he's barely out of his teens and playing up the insecure act and having devastating chemistry with devastatingly beautiful Sandra Oh, but this is not why it's great. And it's really, really great. It's touching and funny and sincere. If you wanna have some feels about complicated family relationships and identity and growing up (at any point in life), you'll find them here.

Curtis's Charm (1995)

Don't regret watching it, can't recommend. Not gonna lie, I was emotionally affected. But I usually am by things as in-your-face bleak as this. Mostly, it's trying very hard to be smarter than it is, I think.

However: CKR's One Wild Curl is everything to me (see above, on the right. It was, like, actually curly. I was rendered speechless). And like two seconds of Hugh Dillon made me do a double-take, lol. Incredibly weird knowing this was shot like half a year before HCL began shooting. Feels like it must've been a decade earlier.

Hard Core Logo (1996)

I could make three separate posts about this one, so of course I have no idea what to say.

This one, you should watch for CKR, actually, he's something, but so is every single other aspect of this film. I wouldn't change a thing about it. It hits you like a 16 wheeler. Perfectly cast, unimaginably beautiful, hysterical and melancholy and disgusting and compelling.

Related recs:

A wonderfully fun article/retrospective/interview for its 20th anniversary a while back.

You should also absolutely read Hard Core Roadshow if you enjoyed the film. It's a book documenting the whole thing from conception to release. It touched me for its own sake, not just a backstage glance, full of love for the craft and the people and carrying this tangible bittersweetness about the heightened and fleeting nature of this kind of work.

(here, I feel compelled to include a quote from another c6d-related interview on Slings & Arrows, which I read after the book and went like man, it's really a universal experience isn't it.

Coyne: <...> But I also think, and this is my experience, what we were all experiencing, because we were all talking about our lives, our life in the arts — there’s something very melancholy about doing something you love, because it will never be good enough, it will always break your heart.

McKinney: Or it will be fleeting.

Coyne: It’ll be fleeting. You come together with people you feel passionately connected to and two weeks later they’re tearing down the sets.)

Quotes from the article and the book respectively include:

McDonald: So there was a kind of mutual dependency society with Hugh telling Callum, “Don’t worry, man, I got your back, I’ll tell you how high or low to wear your guitar, I’ll tell you how you should dress, I’ll tell you what you should drink…” and Callum was like, “I’ll tell you what hitting your mark is, I’ll tell you why they pull out fucking tape measures, I’ll tell you why you have to do it again, I’ll tell you about not overlapping dialogue..” and you know they clung to each other, like the other one was gonna fucking save them.

And:

A final gathering at the back of the tour bus with Bruce, Callum, Hugh, Bernie. We listen to the tape of HCL songs, all the way through, one last time. And we belt the words out. Bernie sings loudest, performing for Salerno's camera. Hugh and Callum sit back, looks of sadness. I get the sense that if they could do it, they'd chuck their lives and be Joe Dick and Billy Tallent forever. Callum leans to Bruce and says exactly what everyone else is thinking: "I don't want it to end."

There's much more to both texts than *gestures* the whatever those two had, but it certainly doesn't hurt.

And Xeriscape is the best HCL fic I've read. Granted, I read very few because it's not a source that creates in me a craving for fic. But this one perfectly matches the film's fucked up beauty with its language while also adding a quieter, more fraught layer of humanity that we only get glimpses of in canon and that perfectly fits John. 10/10, would recommend.

Anyway. Watch it. Read it. If you haven't. Otherwise, come scream with meeee! And go reblog my gifs or something. Idk.

Letters From Home (1996)

Mike Hoolboom strikes again, with another short. This goes into the "don't watch it for CKR, watch it because it's great" box. Yes, you will cry.

For Those Who Hunt The Wounded Down (1996)

Another bleak one! It sucked to watch, I mean, on purpose. There were a couple of very effective scenes. I really enjoyed the opening. They say the book is decent too, I haven't checked that out.

Actually, let's just switch back from coherent thought to undignified staring at his mouth with this one. What the fuck is that cigarette thing. I couldn't help myself.

Last Night (1998)

These gifs are not representative of the whole movie. There is more happening than CKR kissing or hugging people. He's also doing more than just kissing and hugging. It's all very... impressive.

Guess who's also here again? Sandra Oh! And say hi to Don McKellar, who is an absolute champion for writing/directing/starring. You'll be seeing more of him.

Another one for the "watch it for its own sake" box. Seriously, that late 90s indie stuff is banger after banger. It's so beautiful! Look at those colours! Look at those shots! It's very uneasy and charming and melanchioly and itself in the best way.

Twitch City (1998 – 2000)

Don McKellar is back to murder you with discomfort! Bruce McDonald lends a hand. Molly Parker is also here. And Daniel McIvor, who'd go on to direct, for example, Wilby Wonderful. It's a party. If you watched some stuff from above (or below) on this list, most faces and names will be familiar to you, tbh (another Hugh Dillon double-take happens).

If you liked Spaced, you'll love this. You might also love it because it commits to its weirdness with an admirable resolve and is genuinely hilarious. (Honestly, CKR's outfits alone warrant a watch.) The idiosyncrasy is definitely Don McKellar's doing 200%. It couldn't be more different from Last Night, but if you've seen one, you'll recognise the other.

Battlestar Galactica (2003 – 2009)

I don't think a person should be allowed to look this pretty in the sweaty-and-dying makeup in that light (this sentence probably looks very weird to those not under the CKR magic spell).

I don't know what to say about BSG because I really, really enjoyed early it initially, but by the middle of S2 it got... well, whatever that was. If you know you know, if you don't, still give it a go. You might get invested enough to suffer through it all, as I have been, slowly.

The unfortunate thing is that CKR got to be there mostly in the "what the fuck" years and not the "wow that's so cool" years. That, as you might be aware, is a pattern with him. But! When he was here, he was so genuinely, wonderfully creepy not in the typecast-baddy way, but in this slow, half-absent way, which really worked. You can also see him tortured a little, as a treat!! <3

Also, a wild John Pyper-Ferguson appears! If you're looking at him thinking you know him from somewhere but not immediately remembering, you'll figure it out, I believe in you. I was very happy to see him.

Wilby Wonderful (2004)

Another win for the put CKR in more good shit team!!! Guess who's here again? Sandra Oh! Also, Paul Gross. Don't watch it for him either though haha.

Another one for whoever wants to look at pushing against the weight of others' (or your own) expectations and growing into who you are or reconsidering who you are or finding meaningful connections with others even when you're kind of a mess and they are too.

Not nearly the first time CKR's gotten to play a queer character, but man, this one really is the heart of the in-universe community, and, through that, of the film. A rare chance to see him so far out of the prickly persona! He's just so solid and calm and there for others in this one and, and soft, ough. It's awesome.

By the way, if any of you have the commentary track or know someone who has, please drop me a line here or on discord (emotionalrisotto), I really wanna hear that.

Supernatural (2005)

I love Supernatural a lot. It was a formative experiences (albeit a very late one) and I owe a lot of my favourite stuff about fandom-ing to the buddies I met through it. I can't believe I'm telling you this (because who hasn't seen it, not because I'm reccing it), but you should really try it if you haven't. It's pretty rad.

I had no idea who this guy was when I saw that episode (the second ever one!), though. I simply cannot fathom what @nigeltde-fic felt when she first saw it. I think I personally got very lucky she didn't combust on the spot. It would've been unfortunate.

On a sillier note, CKR's character has weird tension with both Sam and Dean in this episode, which is par for the course. I personally think they should've... no, I shan't say it. You can probably imagine.

Californication (2008 – 2013)

I haven't actually seen it, lol (and I suspect I won't enjoy it, but I'm very curious and also CKR looks really really good).

The real reason for this one on the list is to share a fic rec. Really, it's a due South F/K fic featuring Lew Ashby. It's ridiculously hot and very satisfying in its romantic resolution, too (but then, I'm kind of big on selfcest. And consensual voyeurism. And pretend relationships when done like this. And sublimated yearning. Erm.)

Shattered (2010 – 2011)

I wish this never happened. I badly, badly wish this never happened. I can't turn back time, but I can warn those luckier than me: do not go there. Yes, even for this dude. You'll sleep better not knowing just what it is he was the EP on. And the only important part — the mascara — can be seen above (yes, the show does look that bad, it's not just the gifs).

Just kidding — I watched it, didn't I? You'll have fun hating it! Just prepare for industrial grade cringe, lower your expectations (No, lower. No, still lower than that. And just a bit more.) and you'll have a great time!

Star trek: Discovery (2024)

Or, as I call it, Star Trek: The Mediocre Show. Discovery S5 was... what it was, but it was a wonderful viewing experience — mostly thanks to the gang (@kittkatk and @feroxargentea especially!)

What a joy it is, to follow a show week by week, yelling and laughing and discussing the whole time. And giffing, too. I was very happy to contribute to the Disco fandom from my own little obsessive corner, and I was glad to see people adoring Rayner, haha.

He's a pretty neat character — very much a stereotype, yes, but with CKR's usual twist of odd vulnerability and weirdness. Also, I loved the ears. I miss the ears. The ears were great.

I even wrote a fic! Although it's not within my usual range to write for canons and universes I don't know well — and back then, I'd only seen S5 of Disco. It was a lot of suffering, and a lot of fun.

Closing thoughts

I'd really love the dude to get a better agent. And possibly better taste, but I realise that's a tougher ask. Seriously, it's been too long since he was in something majorly cool. I'm grateful to him, at least, for not making terrible music on the side. And I still have a lot of his back catalogue to get through, some of it even good, so there will be more insanity. Until then!

[laudofthedeep]

thinking about the time in 6th grade when my classmates were like “would you kiss a boy for $200” and things like that, always the same gender as whoever was being addressed, price going down as people kept discussing. some of them were getting real bashful about it, which was probably part of the whole social game.

i, however, had no particular understanding of social cues nor sexual attraction to EITHER gender, so i flung myself into the conversation with a cry of “Cowards! id kiss one for $3!”

this, of course, led to the subsequent restraint of the nearest available victim, a call to my parents, and a plea deal that forced me to split my hard earned money with the unwilling party

[abigail-pent]

some things I'm noticing (again) in my ??th gtn reread:

- Cytherea has a whole little monologue about how if you're going to create or pull thanergy it has to be by taking thalergy and vice versa. You can only join death to life or life to death, kind of like batteries

- Basically I'm more convinced than ever that the entrance to the Tower is under the Canaan House facility -- Teacher says it's the most dangerous place in the whole Nine Houses, and we know by now that Alecto was not there, so I am pretty sure it's the Tower

- ten billion unfed ghosts in the Tower, under Canaan House, which were there since the Resurrection; sounds like the tongue guys tbh.

- there's a whole bit about how Silas sends Colum's soul *away* and exploits the space it leaves behind, which is meant to be the opposite of what the Second House does. the Second House takes enemy thanergy to create more thalergy for the cavalier. so I think that means the Eighth takes in thalergy - like from the whole room, I think this is why the color starts draining from everyone whenever Silas does it to Colum - to create more thanergy for ... maybe both the necromancer and the cavalier?

- Anyway I just kind of think John's bomb + eating Earth basically ripped open a wormhole to tongue guy space (the stoma) and he pushed the ten billion through. giving up a shit ton of thalergy to create the first source of thanergy. like Silas does to Colum but bigger. and this created the tongue guys and the tower was built to contain them.

- this is maybe also why John has said siphoning is the most dangerous thing any House had ever thought up - he does like to say this kind of thing from personal experience

- there are sure a lot of towers referenced in Canaan House and then we don't really get towers again until Nona, with the Tower Princes and, obvi, the Tower.

- I am very fine and normal about Silas and Colum and have never cried about them, what are you even talking about

- the Tower is a tarot card that "is associated with sudden, disruptive revelation, and potentially destructive change." Sounds like John's flashbacks in Nona to me tbh

- the Eighth breeding program is still interesting and a mystery to me, mainly because I'm not very clear on what blood type matches have to do with necromancy. But it does feel like the most medical aspect of the modern Eighth and therefore probably the part that Mercy had the most influence over.

- but actually I think "the Eighth breeds batteries" makes more sense to me than ever if the point of sending Colum's soul away is to take his thalergy to bring Silas more thanergy. Which is siphoning, exactly - it's the avulsion trial. And I suppose that would be easier to do if the necromancer and cavalier were a closer genetic match. But then I guess I don't understand why everyone else in the room loses color when that happens. Is that because of where Silas is sending Colum in those moments?

- also then it makes me wonder if Cam and Pal really could have done the avulsion trial without giving Cam brain damage. They are a super close genetic match. Harrow and Gideon are *not*, of course, but I think they pulled through because Gideon has extra thalergy from her dad's side.

- you know who would be a PERFECT genetic match? the Tridentarii! really wondering if this will come up in Alecto... Corona actually would be perfect for Ianthe to siphon because there is no genetic difference between them.

- is it going to be important at some point that the Chaturs have been cavaliers since the time of the Resurrection? is Jeannemary a descendant of Titania?

- when Teacher laments the "poor child" he could be talking about... almost anyone. Dulcinea, Cytherea, Isaac, Jeannemary. Anastasia. Like really anyone

- in retrospect it's extremely weird that Aiglamene tells Gideon she's up to the standards of "a bad cavalier, one who's terrible" and then when Gideon gets to Canaan House and starts dueling people, she's like one of the best? Crazy fast, hero-worshipped by Jeannemary, and even Babs said it was "incredible" to fight her. Like that's strange that Aiglamene's expectations were apparently much higher than any House cavalier primary.

- there's something so fascinating about the scene where Babs stops Corona from fighting Gideon. like it becomes really clear to me that he is in on Ianthe's ruse, and that Corona has been fighting to get out of it for a long time - maybe her whole life - and can't. They're both terrified of Ianthe and Babs is constantly trying to protect Corona *from Ianthe*. But Corona is so tied up in the toxicity of the relationship, and the love of it, that she can't accept Babs' help even when consists only of taking her side in an argument between the twins, as in the first scene when they're overheard on the stairs. She can't even accept Babs' help when it consists of dying instead of her. Ugh the whole thing is so domestic-abuse coded...

- "she had bitten him, apparently to soothe her own obscure feelings" I say this to/about my cats often

idk probably more later

[drarrily-we-row-along]

Hey everyone.

Maybe some of you have noticed that my writing's been super sporadic since like June (if you haven't that's very okay) but I just wanted to write a little bit about what's been happening in my life because it's had a pretty big impact on my writing.

It turns out that I'm actually ace.

So, if you happen to notice an uptick in me writing fics with ace characters who still get to be loved, I'm just trying to process a thing.

Please feel free to skip the rest of this post if you're not interested in the harrowing journey of self discovery. I am absolutely giving too much information about my life, I'm just really working at processing everything and I'm hoping writing it out will help. And honestly, there have been some beautiful souls in the Tumblr community who have given me some beautiful encouragement (including but not limited to @basicallyahedgehog who answered an anon ask I sent them the other day with so much kindness and encouragement because I'd bawled my eyes out about one of their fics featuring ace Harry/Draco.).

(Anyway. If you want to read a ramble about all of the things I'm struggling with at the present moment, I'm gladly accepting advice and kindness at this time. Please read below the cut and chime in if you have anything hopeful to add.)

For most of my life I've pretty comfortably called myself a "picky bi" and in the past couple of years have labeled myself "demisexual" because I'm not sex repulsed; I've had sex, it was fine/good when it's with someone who I'm in love with. I moved on from the labeling, content with the label I'd given myself and whatnot.

It's been a minute (read: 8+ years) since I've been in a relationship that got to the point where I've considered having sex but I didn't really think all that much of it. In retrospect, I think this is largely because I've grown a lot in terms of self respect and honoring my own autonomy. Somewhere around 25, I started saying no when I didn't want something and if the other person didn't respect that decision they were not worth my time.

Anyway, it didn't really occur to me that perhaps going nearly a decade without thinking about/wanting to have sex with anyone (and without experiencing even vague aesthetic attraction to someone with only the odd exception here and there- some of you saw that post a couple of months ago, apparently just having the thought that someone is pretty isn't the same as attraction that allo people experience- so that panic now seems pretty unnecessary. It literally boggles my mind that people can just see a person they've never met and want to have sex with them. Anyway, I'm digressing.) Apparently, it's not a common occurrence even among demisexuals to go that long without thinking about sex if you have emotional intimacy with people (which I do). So fast forward to June when I went to a conference for lgbtqia christians and started listening to people talk about attraction.

To say that my experience of attraction and desire for sex is profoundly different than that of nearly all of the people that I talked to at that conference would be an understatement.

After that conference, I started talking to a lot of friends about their experience of attraction and their desire for sex (eventually this also included some new friends who are demi/ace) and have been a little flabbergasted by their responses. Suddenly, in light of the fact that my body doesn't interpret a lot of things the way that other peoples' seem to, a lot of things started to make sense.

I've been called a flirt (at best, and a [cock]tease in more unpleasant moments) my entire life because I always want to give people gentle physical affection; I love holding hands, touching people on the arm while we're having a conversation, playing with peoples' hair, hugging, leaning, the list is long- none of those things have ever felt like flirting to me. Every one of those actions was the end in itself, there was no artifice in my touches, no desire or even thought for more, but APPARENTLY that is not the thing that happens in a lot of peoples' bodies. It is incomprehensible to me that simple, affectionate touches are not something that everyone just wants to do to anyone that they harbor platonic affection for. This also applies to the way that I communicate with people. Again, I've been called a flirt, been told that I'm intense, been told that I'm trying to 'steal' peoples' boy/girl friends simply by being friends with them. APPARENTLY, showing "too much" interest in other peoples' lives and hobbies is flirting. APPARENTLY, getting really excited for people who are excited and doing cool things is flirting. Because (or so I have been told) the emotional energy I expend is too much to just be friends; surely, I have another angle.

Next, in terms of attraction, I experience attraction to beautiful things in nature in the same way that I experience it to people. If I'm being honest, nature makes my heart sing in a way that people usually don't. I can get caught up in the beauty of the world; the vastness of the ocean for literal hours, in the majesty of the mountains, the strength of trees, the way water carves a path through the rocks in glens and waterfalls. The world takes my breath away, it makes me weep just to exist in nature. Apparently, this in not everyone's experience of nature and apparently, many people who want to have sex don't think that trees, or bodies of water, or mountains have as much (or more, in my humble opinion) appeal than humans.

It's come to my attention that even the way that I have experienced heart break from relationships where I was "in love" and having sex is not the way that people typically experience heartbreak. All heart break feels the same to me; grieving leaving a job, grieving the death of a loved one, grieving horrible things that happen to my students, grieving the loss of friendships, and grieving the loss of a relationship feel like the same heart break. (Like some of those things hurt worse than others but the heart break over the loss of a relationship isn't worse.) One of my friends mentioned that I grieve the passing of summer into autumn (I fucking hate the winter) like the loss of a relationship and I wish I could say that she is wrong. I've been told my whole life that I experience my emotions too big and I just can't help but wonder if there is some sort of correlation there, but I digress.

The literal dream for my life is to have someone who wants to get in the car or on a plane and travel with me. Someone who I can make coffee for in the mornings and who wants to cook me dinner at night. Someone who wants to sit on the couch after a long day at work and talk about nothing, or watch a show, or just exist together. Someone who wants to dance with me in the kitchen, and hold my hand while we walk, who wants to smile at me while I ramble about nature. I want someone who wants to hold me when I cry, who wants to listen to me when I'm mad, someone who will remind me to take a break when I'm working too hard. The only thing that I actually want from a partner is just someone to do life with. It's not that I'm opposed to sex, it's just that it literally doesn't matter.

(So many things in past relationships, so many fights, so many of the reasons that I was left, so many things that I JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND make sense now. Or at least they're starting to.)

So. In the process of understanding this complete fuckery, of trying to put all of the pieces that haven't quite made sense in my life into order, in the end of July my best friend told me that she's in love with me.

And on the one hand, I'm fucking over the moon, delighted, honored, speechless, crazy-happy. She's literally the best person I have ever known, she's the kindest, sweetest, most loyal, loving, amazing human being to ever exist. She loves me so well, so completely, like all of the things that I said above that are my dream; that is her. We road trip together, and she lets me braid her hair, and we snuggle on the couch and watch movies, and we talk for hours (literally hours, when we road trip we go for 7-10 days at a time and I like do not shut the fuck up for more than like 5 minutes total the entire day and she loves me; loves listening to me talk about whatever is in my brain), and when I'm going on and on about how pretty things are in nature she looks at me like I'm the pretty thing (when I say, 'oh my gosh. that mountain, tree, lake, ocean, etc. is so beautiful.' she literally says 'you're so beautiful' and I am deceased, my heart can't take it, I can't fucking stop smiling- I don't even want to), and she lets me info dump about whatever I'm learning, and she loves my brain and my stupid adhd, and she plays me sappy love songs and sings them to me (and she sings in my car, sings to me even though she doesn't sing in front of people) and and and... she makes me feel like I'm good. She makes me feel like I'm all of the things that other people have said I'm not.

And I am constantly terrified of hurting her.

There are a variety of reasons we're not planning on having sex (partially because it's not really something that I want) that I'm not going to get into but I'm afraid of being what I've been to other people. I'm afraid of her feeling like I'm pushing her buttons because I just always want to be touching her (very platonically) like just having our shoulders bumping while we walk, or putting my head on her shoulder when we're on the couch, or letting our elbows press against one another while we're in the car. BUT what happens in our bodies when we're touching like that is really different. Like I described above, for me any type of touch is really the end goal in and of itself (if I'm braiding her hair, it's safe to assume that that is all I want to be doing. If I'm leaning against her on the couch, that too is what I'm wanting.) But that's not always how her body wants to interpret touch, even if she logically knows that I'm not intentionally teasing (she would never say that she feels like I'm trying to tease her, for the record, it's just the easiest way for me to articulate what it feels like could be happening).

And I love her so much, like so much; I'd do anything for her but it's not the same kind of love that she feels for me. By which I mean that she is just really gay and actively attracted to me emotionally/physically but for me if she started dating someone else, I'd be actually fine with that. If she was dating/having sex with someone I wouldn't be jealous, as long as we still get to be friends. (And maybe her dating would necessarily change the dynamic of our friendship and that would be really hard but that's a different mental exercise.) This isn't the way that she feels.

She is so special and important to me but even the way that we are aware of the other person's presence is different. For me, if I'm in a group of people and she's there, I'm aware of that on some level but it's not at the forefront of my mind. My brain is always sort of 'triaging' the people around me when they're my friends; who's being too quiet? who has been going through a rough patch with work/family, etc? who has an exciting new thing they need someone to squeal about with them? who hasn't been included in the conversation in too long? (see the paragraph above about flirting. haha.) She's there but she often isn't the first person I'm thinking about because I talk to her almost every day, I get to love her every day, and odds are good that we either drove together or will talk on the phone our way home from the event- I see the other people there less, so my brain just prioritizes them since I have less time to love them. (This is actually really good, healthy progress for me in terms of healthy attachment and not forming a codependent relationship. My therapist and I are really proud of the work I'm doing, but I'm digressing again.) For her, though, she always knows exactly where I am. It is work for her to pay attention to other conversations, work to be in a different room. In most situations, I am the person she defaults to thinking about and wanting to be near and she has to actively choose other things if she wants to. (And I don't mean to sound like an absolute asshole, it's not like I ignore her or anything, and I'm delighted for us to be in the same conversations, it's just a different way that we engage with the world.)

I love her so much. And I'm afraid of messing everything up. Of hurting her. Of asking too much of her without asking for anything at all. I try to let her be the one to initiate physical touch (or I ask first) because sometimes it's too hard on her body and that's fair. I feel frustrated with the different ways that we experience love for each other because the way that she loves me feels so good and safe to me and it makes me feel so happy. I'm afraid that the way that I love her doesn't feel as nice for her, that it feels less than, that the way I express my love and devotion isn't as good. I'm afraid that the way she loves me is going to wear her out. She always says she knows I love her just as much as she loves me, it's just different. She says she's okay, she says that the way I love her is good for her and she's happy. But it's hard to believe.

I'm afraid that she'll fall in love with someone else who can love her the way she loves and I won't matter to her anymore (partially because that's been my experience of people who have said they're in love with me). I'm afraid.

Is it even fair to entertain the idea of maybe having a whole life together? (we're already entertaining the ideas, already daydreaming about 'what if we lived together', where we're going on our next road trip, etc. And I'm terrified.) Is it asking her to give up too much? I would spend the rest of my life with her. I'd be good and kind to her, I would love her with so much tenderness. But is it enough? Am I enough with just the things that I have to give? Is it actually possible for someone to love me for just me and not for the ways that I could contort myself to be something I'm not?

I recognize the irony in what I'm asking. I know that that's what all of these hundreds of stories I've written here say, it's what I want to believe. But is it even possible when it's reality?

I don't know. Does anyone have any good advice? Any ace people out there living with a person who's in love with them? Does anyone have something that's lasted?

[metalgearstranding]

Big Boss' Boyfriends: a Retrospective? A Character Analysis? A Bunch of Words Strung Together For Sure

Re: this post about Ocelot being willing to die FOR Big Boss versus Kaz willing to die WITH Big Boss. I think it's absolutely true, and I just wanted to expand on the subject and talk about Ocelot and Kaz, and why they're different on that front because of their personality and their history.

(Notes: 1 English is not my first language so forgive the mistakes and the general lack of polish 2) those are of course my personal interpretations of events colored by bias. I'm not pretending to know the Correct and True version of anything. Also I might be misrembering/forgetting things. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about CANON informations, add important infos I might have forgotten, and share your own interpretations of the characters and events if you want!)

Unlike Ocelot who went on to do his solo thing after MGS3, Kaz was taken in by Snake after they met, and MSF was born shortly after. Kaz was vital to the creation of MSF, it was his baby as much as it was Snake's. MSF was more than a base, it was a home, for both of them. It brought them close, not only because they shared something they made together, but also because they spent a lot of time together, physically. Even when Snake wasn't on mother base, they constantly kept in contact through the radio. They had plenty of opportunities to get to know each other personally and become close. It's ironic that Kaz probably never knew Snake's real name, because for a while he was in a better place than Ocelot to really get to know "John".

Officially, Snake was the boss at MSF of course, with Kaz serving as his XO, his second in command. Their relationship never really felt particularly hierarchical however. Despite his talk in MGS3 about being loyal to the top brass and willing to die for them, Snake never gave me the vibe that he cared very much about ranks and rigid military rules, especially not after leaving FOX to do his own thing. Kaz didn't have that much military experience to begin with in comparison, so he was probably more than comfortable with the loosey goosey operation Snake was conducting. So yeah, to me, Snake and Kaz in Peace Walker felt more like equals than anything.

Even without a romantic angle, their relationship was very symbiotic, so it makes perfect sense that they'd both be willing to go down with the ship, considering the amount of time, money, love, and blood that was poured into their new way of life. Kaz especially -in contrast to his sharp business acumen and practical sense- always struck me as a very... intense guy, for better or for worse. Hell, the bbkaz meet cute was Kaz almost blowing both himself and Snake with a grenade... So yes, straight from the beginning, Kaz was very willing to die with Snake, first as an enemy, and then as a friend/lover/partner once Snake's rizz won his heart over. And it was both Kaz's practical sense and his passionate nature that cost him Snake's companionship (in part).

Ocelot's case is simultaneously both simpler and much more complicated. He and Snake are as inextricably linked together as Snake and Kaz, but in a different way.

The two men have known each other for a long time, and they were around each other for one of the most formative moments of their lives. Snake lost an eye to Ocelot and gained his absolute loyalty (and the coolness factor that comes with an eyepatch). Meanwhile, Ocelot simply wouldn't be Ocelot without Snake: the revolvers, the interrogation fetish, Ocelot's chosen Purpose in life, all of that can be retraced to Snake. They share a mother, one spiritually and the other genetically. They've tried to kill each other several times, and saved each other just as often. Aside from the nod to Ocelot and Snake's plot armor, MGS3 loves to show how Fate brought them together. First, by making the Boss -he most important and influential person in Snake's life- Ocelot's mother, and second, with all the moments where Ocelot COULD have killed Snake, but wasn't "allowed" to.

Even without the events of the story bringing them together, unlike Snake and Kaz who are complimentary but very different, Snake and Ocelot are very alike. The Sorrow spoke of the Spirit of the Warrior, which both men have. Snake joined the military very young (15yo), and that life is all he's known and wanted. Ocelot was literally born on a battlefield and raised to be a spy. Both men live by the sword, are perfectly content living that way, and they understand that about each other. The notes for the MGS3 script about their meeting in Rassvet speak of them immediately liking each other: "a pure love". If you ignore the strong connotations of the word "love", it's clear that both men recognized as kindred spirit in the other at the very least.

No matter how strong the bond and the understanding between them, Snake and Ocelot rarely came into direct contact after MGS3. It's very possible they met more often when the Patriots were founded, or were in more direct contact after Snake left, but we don't get to see that in game. With or without hints to Snake and Ocelot's contacts through the years, the games make it clear that Ocelot is someone who prefers to work alone behind the scenes, and is actually quite happy and more comfortable that way. There are several hints that he DOES miss Snake sometimes though in the script of MGSV. Then there's this amazing line: "Foxes spend most of their time alone, but they'll keep the same mate. They say that in the case of the Blanford's foxes, it's for life. *hmph* Can't see the sense of it myself." Ocelot is obviously full of shit, because this describes him to a T: he too spent most of his time alone but kept the same mate (Snake) all of his life.

Ocelot being apart from Snake most of the time seems to be in major part a decision of the former. But that means that despite sharing their formative moments, Ocelot didn't get to know Snake -"John"- as he is in his day-to-day life like Kaz did. Snake's more intimate habits, quirks, tastes, what makes him laugh, how long he takes to dress up in the morning, that kind of stuff you only learn by sharing someone's life he didn't have access to as far as we know. In MGSV, Ocelot says this: "She (Quiet) fell in love with the legend (Snake). I was the same way, once." You can interpret this line a few different ways, but it's indeniable: Ocelot fell in love with the legend. And I think in a way, because of the physical distance between them, Snake remained a Legend in his mind, a distant deity he had chosen to devote himself to.

Ocelot might not have had the privilege to be raised and taken care of by his parents, but he is definitely their son. The Boss and the Sorrow were characterized by their strong sense of loyalty, love and duty. When the Philosophers forced the couple to face each other in battle, threatening to end their son's life if they didn't, the Sorrow willingly decided he'd be the one to give his life. And of course, the Boss' life is filled with examples of her self-sacrificial nature. Through the sacrifice of her life and reputation, she saved millions of lives.

Ocelot wasn't as noble as the Boss, he doesn't exactly share his mother's wish for peace, but he is just as self-sacrificial and loyal to a fault (well, to HIM at least). He didn't like Zero's vision of the world, and he went to impressively absurd lengths to destroy it. Whether or not he truly believed that hard in Snake's pet project, Ocelot still went to MORE impressively absurd lengths to help Snake see it through. Not for honor, but for Him.

But what about Snake's in all of that? Snake is kind of an idiot, the end. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

Seriously though, I don't think I'm being very controversial if I say that Snake is single-minded to an unhealthy degree. He doesn't seem to care about much outside of war, guns and cigars... And the Boss. And that's where the problem lies.

The extent to which Snake was attached to the Boss was a little erm... worrisome? For a man who said he didn't care about other people's lives, Snake sure was interested in the Boss as EVA points out in MGS3. Snake didn't take their time apart well, and he took her death (at his own hands) even worse. The events of Snake Eater pretty much singlehandedly ruined Snake and all remaining hopes he could've had to someday live a healthier life.

One of my friends once said about Snake that he was incapable of love. I don't think it's wrong, but it's also very much not true, because Metal Gear Solid as a series happened because Snake couldn't heal from the pain of losing someone he loved so deeply. Sadly, it did affect his relationships after that, especially the ones who loved him most, Ocelot and Kaz in particular. Of course, the death of the Boss wasn't the only factor for that, there were also the betrayals, the many, many betrayals... I'm not gonna talk about Zero here, but aside from the Boss, he's the one who did the most damage to Snake.

After he and Zero parted ways, unable to reconcile their difference of opinions about the Boss's will (and Zero doing the first in a series of Very Fucked Up Things), Snake went on to do his thing and met Kaz. They found each other when they needed it the most, and despite their ideological differences, joined forces to create a home for the both of them.

The day they met, when Snake explained to Kaz what he was doing in Columbia (mercenary work). Kaz's first reaction was: "so you go where the money is". Snake denied this, told Kaz that they were fighting for themselves. Kaz insisted: "so, for the money". Snake should've seen this as the red flag it later came to be. Snake does what he does for the love of the Game. He fights to live and lives to fight. Kaz does what he does for money. That served Snake well during the MSF days, because Snake is not a very practical guy outside of the battlefield, logistics aren't his thing and neither is handling money.

And that's when Kaz did an oopsie. MSF was struggling, and when a golden opportunity presented itself, Kaz just couldn't say no. Blinded by the prospect of getting a lot of money to help MSF grow, Kaz accepted to work with Zero... without telling Snake. Snake who had just been more or less stabbed in the back by Zero and had trust issues up the wazoo at this point. Snake didn't say much when it was revealed, but you can feel the disappointment in his voice when he says Kaz's name.

When Kaz learns in Phantom Pain that Snake has left to make a bigger, better MSF, he gets pissed and vows to send Snake to hell. Aside from being the consequence of his actions in Peace Walker, Kaz's reaction is both puzzling and very understandable.

Snake and Kaz were close, they were partners. Or so Kaz thought. Kaz would've been ready to die with Snake for what they had created together, but Ocelot informed him that he wouldn't get to be by Snake's side while he built his new nation of fighters. Kaz had been... demoted, essentially. In his mind at least. No longer an equal partner, he was now working FOR Snake, not with him. And he couldn't take it. He had become so comfortable sitting at the right hand of God that he thought he was now entitled to share the throne with him (Which I guess makes Kaz Lucifer in a way in this analogy...? And Ocelot Archangel Michael? XD).

Snake at this point had bought into his own hype, rejected the Boss and claimed the title of Big Boss once and for all after struggling with it for years. He went along with Zero's Phantom idea, and rode away from a burning hospital with a smile on his face. If Snake had second thoughts at the time, if he felt guilty or grateful about the enormous sacrifices that were made in his name, we don't really get to hear about it.

Kaz lost his partner status but he wasn't kicked to the curb completely however, which means Snake still wanted him around in some capacity at least. Or Snake assumed that he had Kaz's loyalty no matter what, and would gladly get along with the plan just like Ocelot. In a way, he wouldn't have been wrong, because despite Kaz's anger and his vow to get revenge on Big Boss via enfant terrible one day, he still stayed around to help with the Phantom project. It's unknown if Kaz submitted himself -willingly or not- to hypnotism. Ocelot being over-committed is nothing new, but I wonder if he would've insisted to do the same to Kaz...

If Kaz had carefully proded the limits of his position in Peace Walker, in Phantom Pain he kept poking at them with his crutch . Kaz had always been intense, but his anger and lust for revenge during the game were very loud next to Venom Snake's calm attitude. Kaz constantly went against Snake's decision, demanding where Ocelot suggested. The best exemple is Kaz outright telling Venom Snake that if he took Quiet back to the base, he'd "just have her killed", sending choppers with armed men pointing their weapons at Snake. Once again, Kaz acts as an equal, not someone who's taking orders, which either means he WAS hypnotized and didn't learn his lesson, or he wasn't hypnotized, and doesn't recognize Venom Snake's authority as his commander at all. Even if he gave no shit about a hierarchy, if he was pissed against the real Snake, Kaz still seemed to yearn for him, at least at the beginning. They get so close so often in the first hours of the game that you really wonder whether they're going kiss or not.

We know where Kaz ends up at some point after this (training Solid Snake, then getting killed -presumably by Ocelot- in his home). I'd really like to know when he left Venom Snake's side, and how Venom took it...

All the while, Ocelot had always been working in Snake's interests and never waivered. Ocelot stayed behind as a spy for Snake when the latter left the Patriots. Zero was probably aware of that fact, but by that point, Ocelot's loyalty and love for Snake was beyond question, so it's no wonder he was chosen to watch over Snake for the next 9 years while he was in a coma. Meanwhile, Kaz was informed that Snake was alive and safe, but was not told where, and he was not allowed to see him either (because his presence would be a dead giveaway for Snake's enemies). Whatever news he received were via Ocelot.

Kaz's emotions always get the best of him, he's very expressive, so we know how he feels at all times. Ocelot on the other hand is calm, composed, in control. He's made a career out of pretending to be what he's not, so it's hard to say how he really feels. I'm sure he was devastated by what happened to Snake, but we don't really get to see it sadly. In MGSV he acts like a professional, he offers his expertise to Snake when it's needed. He's not subservient, but he's fully aware of his place and his role. Despite his poker face, I think you can still very much feel Ocelot's affection for Snake during the game (and possibly even some jealousy towards Quiet).

Ocelot's insistence to work alone, his history with Snake, and his reverence for Snake saved him from a lot of the heartbreak Kaz had to go through. It also guaranteed his place in Snake's life until the very end. We don't really know what Snake thought of Ocelot, how he really felt about him, but we know he trusted him fully, which, considering all the betrayals Snake went through, really means something.

Kaz made errors of judgement and let his emotions get the better of him, which cost him Snake's trust and the place at his side he wanted so badly. Ocelot's independance and dedication to his mission cost him an opportunity to really get to know the man he had worked so hard for. He never really got to see the fruits of his schemes: the end of the Patriots, and Snake himself, gloriously back to life, free from them at last. And because of his single mindedness, his selfishness (or obliviousness perhaps), and the heartbreak he could never heal from, Snake was never able to give back to the people who loved him and gave everything to him.

[eddiediazismyhusband]

Hello, I am really new as well. I literally caught up to the current episode of the show yesterday. I don't know that I so much have a question as more a statement. I didn't know at all about Tim leaving after season 4 to go to LS with Buddie planned as canon. It makes lots of things about season 4 make so much more sense! Hello Eddie's first thought after getting shot asking if Buck was hurt! Hello guardianship in the will! Hello 'because Evan'! And seasons 5 and 6 were noticeably different, not in a great way either,from the other seasons so thank you for explaining that as well.

As to the other new anon, I respectfully disagree, I completely see why everyone ships them. Some of their acting choices are hella suspicious if there's nothing there.

Hi anon, i just want you to also know i was not intentionally ignoring i opened this ask and said “i will read that one later” and fully never came back to it 😭😭

but i wanted to say that in the vein of not spreading misinformation, we don’t know 100% for certain if buddie would have gone canon in s5, but like you said there were so many signs in s4 that were pointing to it and the few tidbits we have gotten in retrospective interviews about the show’s past at FOX it’s hard to discredit the possibility. so i agree w everything you said 100% their acting choices are always so telling to me of where they want the story to go… especially this season but i digress ✨

thank you for the ask, anon, and also welcome to the fandom!! we can be a lot sometimes and there are definitely some less than kind people floating around in the shadows but i promise there are a lot of good eggs here, and from my experience so far it is a very welcoming place (i’ve only had this blog for a couple months despite having been a fan since the show came out and the love and growth i’ve had on here has been overwhelming) so i’m glad to have you with us! 💕💕

[dnalt-d2]

(Alright, it's long post time again, this time about the Admin Drama)

So we're hearing a lot about some behind-the-scenes drama, and unfortunately, it's making a lot of things make a lot more sense in retrospect

For example, the fact that French Creators have been consistently overlooked makes sense when you learn that there have apparently only been 2 French Admins on the team, with one of them being fired recently, and the other one being potentially removed from the whitelist for the server, for reasons that are likely not even true

Throughout big events, there's always been a sense that people weren't 100% sure what was going on, and if I'm being honest, I found that at least somewhat excusable at the time

This is a big project, bigger than any other Minecraft-Related project I know about, with over a dozen different content creators and at least 5 different languages. I can understand at least to a certain point, that trying to balance that many different storylines, and keep the overarching storyline intact, can be a challenge, that I doubt many people would have the sufficient experience to deal with properly, especially with all the other added hurdles of managing the language/culture barrier. I was willing to chalk it up to Growing Pains, that they were realizing the mistakes as they happened and would hopefully not repeat them in the future

(Basically, to me it felt like a DND Campaign, where each player does have the choice to make their own stories and character arcs in said Campaign. However, it's up to the DM's discretion on what they can use, since they still have to keep the overarching plot going. While they should try as hard as they can to include what makes each player happy, there might be a point that what the player wants to do isn't compatible with the current plan, and it's up to the DM whether or not they can actually do it)

However, to at least some extent, that is clearly not the case. It's been made very apparent that someone, likely multiple people on the Admin Team, is horribly mismanaging things that we aren't able to see fully. From manufacturing drama, to taking advantage of passionate people who simply love the project, to outright ignoring some of the Content Creators that are also keeping this project alive and therefore being actively detrimental to this communication-based project

As of now, I'm hearing that Quackity himself doesn't seem to have much to do with this directly. And once again, if that's true, I can understand it, at least a little. Running a project and participating in that project can be difficult, and be actively detrimental to their enjoyment. So to a certain point, I can understand not being SUPER heavily involved in every single thing behind-the-scenes and leaving some of it to other people. However, this is clearly not working. If he really didn't know much about what was going on, then he either needs to find someone he can actively trust to make sure this sort of thing doesn't continue, or take a much heavier role in the management to keep it from happening again

He's said before that he's been losing money because of QSMP but doesn't care because it's his passion project, and I would like to believe that. From what we've seen, he does actively love doing this, and seems to be really passionate about breaking down these communication barriers, and he has done a lot to that end. But it can't come at the expense of others, who are the backbone of these sorts of projects. I really hope he does something to take care of this, even it it means shutting down QSMP temporarily to do a complete overhaul of Admin Management

(I would also like to say that if Pomme's admin really gets permanently fired for all of this, I'll be actually seriously upset. She's put way too much time and effort into the server (FOR FREE, WE NOW KNOW) and has been playing alongside numerous CCs and boosting the enjoyment of them as well as the people watching them. Not to mention that she's now the ONLY French Admin at the moment that we know of, and not having ANY French Admins would be a serious problem)

I've loved QSMP almost since it started, and I would love to see it continue. But it can't be at the expense of peoples' health, mental health, and livelihoods. If people are doing work like this, they deserve to be compensated appropriately, and treated right. Otherwise, there isn't a point in this. Here's hoping that these problems can be properly addressed and resolved, and I hope everyone is alright during whatever happens next

[gunnerkriggcritical]

The ambiguity in Annie's love life has always been really compelling to me. I'm gonna discuss some of the facets of this below.

First off, Annie responds to Mort's supposed romantic "claim" on her (via the blinker stone) with a level of anger that shocks both Mort and Kat. That's such a fascinating scene to me. I think it's the first time in the comic that we really get a taste of Annie's temper, and it's in the context of her not wanting to be claimed by a suitor against her will.

Then there's Jack. Annie doesn't seem to know how to act around him, while the question of whether she genuinely has a crush on him is left unanswered; she veers between acting awkwardly and not seeming to know how to treat him, to deliberately manipulating him to hurt him after hearing about her mother doing the same to Renard (and based on Irial's advice), to - this is my interpretation, anyway - offering him a kiss because she thinks that's what you're supposed to do in such situations, not because she genuinely wants to. The way Jack refuses her kiss and gives her a hug instead always seemed to me like, to a certain level, pity? He's learned over the course of the chapter that Annie is a mess who has no idea what she's doing, least of all romantically, and he doesn't want to take advantage of that. At least, that's how I always interpreted that moment.

"The Torn Sea" really makes a point of emphasizing that Annie has no partner while most of her friends have paired off. I'm still not sure why - and it's possible, I guess, that the chapter only does this for comedic effect. It's also more than possible that we haven't reached the point in Annie's arc that will make all these past moments make sense in retrospect. There's also, of course, the moment in "Dealing With HER" where the Annies briefly discuss having a crush on someone. And the moment in "Annie and the Forest" when Annie is asked if she has a "love back home," misunderstands the question and says "Yes, my friend Kat," and then, when it's clarified, mentally scrolls through the list of boys she knows before settling on Jack with a confused look on her face. And speaking of "Annie in the Forest," there is, of course, her crush on Kamlen, which is also contrasted with a (maybe?) crush on Jones in "Divine," hinting that Annie might be bi.

A lot is going on here, but it all fits into the broader context of who Annie is. This is way more apparent in earlier chapters than later ones, but socially, she's a strange, underdeveloped girl who was raised in isolation and doesn't quite know how to navigate the world of school-age drama. Her awkwardness and lack of experience in romance are part of a broader character arc that highlights her social ineptitude; while her peers pair off, she's left alone, and attention is drawn to this by the narrative, both in terms of friendships and romantic relationships (although she does have a small group of friends other than Kat by the later days of the comic).

She learns how to behave based on mimicry, which, in the romantic context, is especially apparent in "Faraway Morning," when she mimics her mother's behaviour and Irial's advice to manipulate Jack, to disastrous results, before eventually relenting and admitting she regrets it. She does have crushes, but she doesn't know how to act on them properly. In fact, since the question of whether she actually has a crush on Jack or was just trying to manipulate him for revenge is left unanswered, I don't know if we've ever really seen Annie acting on a crush at all.

With all this in mind, I don't really have a concrete opinion or theory on "who Annie will end up with," only my personal opinion that I would rather she didn't end up with anyone at all.

It's very very common for main characters to "end up with" somebody, but the way the comic has treated Annie's love life has, so far, been much more complex and nuanced than that. I don't think she's aromantic (although I totally understand and respect why someone would headcanon that) - I do think she has romantic crushes, that there's canon evidence for her being bisexual, and that the comic wants us to pay attention to everything it's doing in regards to her romantic leanings. I also think, and hope, that Gunnerkrigg intends to subvert the "who will the main character end up with?!" question that every other piece of media in history has asked, by saying: "No one." That answer is, to me, far more in keeping with the nuance the comic has managed towards Annie's romantic leanings than "she ends up with Kat," or any other possible pairing, would be. I would rather the answer be left cryptic instead of made concrete, like many other concepts in the comic have been.

To finish: I have long thought Gunnerkrigg is about the fierce, loyal, powerful platonic love between Annie and Kat. The dyadic friendship that unites forest and Court, technology and magic, fantasy and science fiction. The idea of them being in love with each other is nowhere near as compelling to me as the idea of them caring about each other so deeply they would do anything for the other, without being in romantic love.

(If Annie and Kat do get together, I would also question how quickly and unceremoniously Paz got booted out of the comic to make way for this pairing, but that's neither here nor there, lol.)

[i-just-want-to-destroy]

Thank you for walking study in demonology! Reading it brought me all the way back to the 2019 bnha era. Even tho im a chronic fandom hopper, every once in a while i got pulled back to the bnha fandom like a clinging abused ex gf, cause i feel like no other fandom has given me the same feels as bnha on ao3. It's probably partly because of bnha being a perfect sandbox for ficwriters, but damn you bnha writers are really sth else.

Your work is such an exquisite, heartfelt love letter to the fanfiction medium in general, and the bnha fandom in particular. I hope your pillow is always cool and your socks always come out of the washing machine in pairs.

What's your favourite part about the fic?

hi thanks so much for this ask! super appreciate the kind words :) i agree wholeheartedly i wldnt have started writing my bnha fics if not for the amazing fics ive read from this fandom.

short answer: my favorite part is the process.

super long answer:

(spoilers below fair warning)

demonology has been a learning process for me and also a very strange experience.

ive always been more of an improv writer where i dont really know where a story is going when i write it. with demonology being the way it is, you can surmise that its been a really crazy ride.

ive mentioned this before but it started as an idea of deku being just your typical satanic style exorcist, and as it is a crack fic, i did write it — at the beginning — purposefully to be nonsensical. all the made up “significant” stuff like affinity, authority, even the importance of names and all that — i didnt know what they mean and i didnt care either, i was just making them say whatever that sounded ominous and ridiculous. (often this is for the sake of comedic timing. it is crack after all.)

some comments say the fic didnt make sense, and i agree bc it didnt to me either. but then it DID start to make sense to me. whenever i started to write a new chapter id read back to whatever bullshit i did the previous chap and only then i understood what the hell the characters r talking about. if you look back to the earlier chapters there’d be a lot of foreshadowings, but they werent written to be foreshadowings at the time. its kind of foreshadowing in reverse, bc i only knew what they meant after i wrote them. i didnt know i was writing a meta multiverse time travel fic, but since i did, i had to commit and go crazy.

(in retrospect i think it rly did begin with hitoshi and that cat in ch 3. i didnt even know hitoshi was the “main character” until that chapter. i didnt know that cat was schrodingers cat until i wrote ch 8.)

so u can see how crazy, nonsensical and haphazard the entire writing process of this fic is, which in return gives birth to a crazy, nonsensical and haphazard fic. until its not nonsensical anymore. somehow, there actually is a clear logic in the mechanics of the universe. the cats are schrodinger cats, the demons are maxwell demons, entropies are plotlines which are often riddled with plotholes, the hell is production hell, to be in heaven is to be canonized — and lorem ipsum is the empty blank slate state of the universe. authority actually is authority. the fic gave meaning to itself by the end of it all.

comments ask if i waited for bnha to end — i didnt. bnha ending actually fucked a past version of ch 8, now scrapped. but then it actually … made a better version? and made more sense? its weird.

i did know about some things that were going to happen though. since the first time i had izuku do the “you believe [object] exist,” i always knew i wanted it to be turned back to him (“midoriya izuku doesnt exist”). after i wrote ch 6 i also knew i wanted them to “go back to the beginning” with izuku’s “fall” on the rooftop. but i didnt know until i wrote it that hitoshi was going to choose to fall, too. i know im the author but him choosing that shocked me and i found it moving.

if i had written this “properly”, if i had planned it all with better structuring and better pacing and emotional beats and all that — this might have turned out to be a better written story, in another world. as it is right now there are a lot of flaws that it has. but it wldnt have been the same fic. if not for this fuckass writing process, it wld never have reached the form it takes as of now.

and although it was a very difficult road, i can say wholeheartedly that this strange process has been my favorite part. im doubtful ill ever experience a writing process like this again. the story kept surprising me. a part of why i wanted to finish it was because i wanted to know how it ended too—bc i wldnt know until i wrote it.

of course, at the end of it all, none of us know what their ending is. in the end the story still didnt share its secrets with me and i really really love it for it.

haha this is so long sorry i guess this fic really means a lot to me after all. but yes, thats my answer.

i would also like to thank every reader and commenter once again bc i can honestly say without the feedback and support, this would not have been finished either, or become the way that it is. man. fanfictions, huh?

[taylortruther]

i don't mean this @ any specific anon but i definitely think there's a way of talking about taylor (and anyone we don't know, or even do know, and especially celebrities) like she's a fictional character where you can trace their actions and history from point a to b to c, but that just isn't how life is. we don't always make decisions that Make Sense, or that are rooted in things. sometimes we just do stuff, and we can color it later in therapy or in writing and introspection and with the context we have through more life lived, but idk.

i don't know how else to describe it but for a personal experience, i didn't properly know i liked girls until i was relatively old and some good ole denial through my late teens, but i can look back and say, huh, that makes sense! that sure colored my friendships with certain girls! but no one else can make those connections for me? just like taylor can make retrospective connections, such as in wcs versus icsy. both can and do exist.

and i think because taylor writes to diaristically, people feel like they're actually reading her thoughts from her diary, but our opinions and relationships change. she felt she and jake were soulmates for a time, and maybe once a year she gets drunk and thinks of him and might even write a song about it. that doesn't mean they're actually soulmates (if you even believe in that, and i think taylor toys with this a lot because it's Pretty to think there's an invisible string, but she's a mastermind, but she wants to change the prophecy). i think we are too quick to draw direct lines when it's more like... you know those word clouds for brainstorming? we are made up of so many conflicting ideas and experiences. i don't think i'm expressing myself very well so rant over also hope you're having a good start to your week rae!

the word cloud image is so apt. and i agree, our experiences and emotions and whatnot aren't math equations where you can say a + b = c. they're not static, they change with us, they can be hard to articulate because words are imperfect.

[bonni]

I have a huge interest in plurality (not just in maladaptive plurality/dissociative disorders but also in theories of the mind that examine the ways in which plurality is biologically and socially adaptive and affects all of us to varying degrees) and if I could ethically go into psychiatric research I would love to research the comorbidity of autism and plurality.

every person I have ever met with DID has been autistic, and I think this makes a lot of sense because autistic people tend to have a less stable/integrated sense of identity and a lot of autistic people without dissociative disorders seem to still display a higher level of what you might call "adaptive plurality," i.e. the ability to have a fluid personality and take on different societal roles when needed, which in an individualistic capitalist society unfortunately leads to a lot of insecurity and discomfort, but is actually biologically advantageous and contributes to the theory that having autistic individuals in a given population is an adaptation rather than a disability. there is a lot of writing out there about how plurality is genuinely a good thing until it becomes a maladaptive coping mechanism for intense and chronic early childhood trauma, and I think autistic people without dissociative disorders are emblematic of this. on the other hand, a lot of autistic children are victims of intense early childhood abuse, and when this happens I think it would make sense if DID is a more likely outcome than it may be for an allistic individual.

but there's no research on this. there's so little research on plurality in general and a lot of the research that exists is split between multiple arbitrary diagnostic categories. a lot of "borderline" people, for example, are actually plural, but they're misdiagnosed because their plurality is considered unappealing. and the existence of OSDD-1 confuses things even further because the difference between DID and "OSDD" is oftentimes negligible and up to the discretion of the doctor diagnosing you. coincidentally, a lot of plural people are antipsych!

but yeah like. I think this is an incredibly important and overlooked topic and I also think it's why autistic people who aren't plural still see themselves and their experiences reflected in the plural community so much. I certainly do, to the point that I thought I was plural for a long time, but in retrospect my childhood trauma was not early or chronic enough to result in dissociative plurality. so instead of continuing to claim experiences that aren't mine, I've taken a vested interest in studying plurality and in supporting and understanding the plural people in my life. I wish I could contribute to a new body of research that is important to me, but I'm not going to become a psychiatric researcher, I just can't. maybe medical journalism would be a better career path for me if this is something I want to pursue.

[ifbench]

Pokemon Black Retrospective, from the perspective of someone who became bored with it on their first playthrough

To preface this, this is technically not my first time playing Pokemon Black? I did play it once before, back in mid 2020, before I started PMD Rescue Team DX. I quickly got very bored with it, though, and stopped playing before I made it to Striaton City.

If you'd like to read my other mainline Pokemon retrospectives, you can read Emerald here, X here, and Firered here.

Pokemon Black was a strange one for me.

Like I mentioned in the preface, I didn't like it much on my first playthrough. I grew bored of it before I even reached the first gym.

And yet, in the years from then until now, I kept hearing about how it was apparently the greatest that mainline Pokemon had ever been. How it was the pinnacle of the franchise.

I didn't think much of it, until I started my mainline Pokemon marathon, and realized that I would have to give Pokemon Black another go.

I completed Emerald, then X, then Firered, having differing opinions on each. And for the most part, I was having fun! So, maybe if I tried Black again, I'd have fun with it too?

I decided that it was finally time, and I started a new game of Pokemon Black.

Like with my first playthrough, I chose Oshawott as my starter, having gotten much more attached to the species since then, thanks to my PMD OC Gen.

I named my Oshawott Arbaquo, after a neglected Oshawott-Shaymin hybrid OC of mine.

And so, I began my journey through the Unova region, hoping to see it through to the end this time.

The journey up to Striaton wasn't much to write about, but Accumula Town was cute, especially with the musicians adding instruments to the background music. The first battle with N was also neat, but I'll get to him later.

But once I made it to Striaton, I had surpassed my 2020 self, making it farther than I ever had. And I was immediately curbstomped by Cheren three times in a row.

It wasn't until I was told that I could visit the Dreamyard before fighting the Striaton gym did I manage to level up Arbaquo a bit, acquired my second Pokemon, Minro the Pansear, and was able to defeat Cheren.

Then was the Striaton gym, but with Minro by my side, obtaining the Trio Badge from Cilan was mostly easy.

Then was the encounter with Team Plasma in the Dreamyard. I had heard talk of this moment several times, but it was still a shock to see it.

It makes sense, though. Despite the name of the game, this isn't a black and white story. As my friend Icy said, this moment shows the unscrupulous lengths people go to when they are truly dedicated to a cause.

After that, dream mist secured, I returned to Striaton City, and unlocked a feature that would probably have been really cool if it was still available. Unfortunately, it is no longer available, and so I can only imagine what it would have been like.

I then made my way along Route 3, where I had another encounter with Team Plasma, though not much else happened aside from me catching a Pidove as my third team member. I named him Poliner.

Nacrene City was interesting! I found it neat how the whole town was comprised of refurbished warehouse, and there was a second battle with N!

Before this playthrough, my only knowledge of N was fandom osmosis, RP blogs, and a few fanfics, particularly kintsugi's fics. At one point, I considered having him be the human world's Voice of Life, though I decided to give that role to a different character.

It was a completely different experience meeting him through the game as intended, though. I liked him a lot, with how much he said he liked math and said he wanted to be my friend!

After that battle, I tried to battle Lenora, and failed miserably. I tried again, and failed miserably again. It took several tries, but eventually I was able to defeat her.

I had no idea that Team Plasma would try to steal from the museum, nor that they thought that the Dragonite skull was part of the legendary dragon. It's kinda silly in retrospect, but this was something completely new to me. I was intrigued.

Plus, Burgh was here! I didn't think I'd encounter him until Castelia City, but here he was!

Pinwheel Forest was when I decided to activate the infinite rare candy cheat so that I wouldn't have to grind. It was a nice leisurely stroll, aside from the Plasma grunts, but I didn't want to get stuck having to grind later.

Soon, the stolen Dragonite skull was retrieved, and I could continue on to Castelia City.

Between Pinwheel Forest and Castelia City, though, was Skyarrow Bridge. It was really cool seeing the bridge in its full glory, the camera panning around and all sorts of cool perspective shots!

Castelia City continued with the cool perspective shots, with the city being like a mini-Lumiose, complete with side areas and back alleys. It was a lot to take in, but it was cool!

Not so cool was the fact that the EXP Share was still a held item that only worked on a single Pokemon. That battle house was neat, at least.

Burgh's gym was...something, to say the least, but he was an easier foe than Lenora, and I acquired my third badge.

After another encounter with Team Plasma, I made my way to the desert of Route 4, and was accosted by a sandstorm.

Like with Hoenn's desert, the weather chipped away at my Pokemon's health with every battle, making the route a test in how many battles I could avoid.

Eventually, though, I made it through, emerging into Nimbasa City.

It had just as many things to do as Castelia, despite being a bit smaller.

But before any of that (at least I think, this might have happened after the gym, I can't entirely remember), there was the fabled Ferris Wheel scene with N.

While it didn't quite live up to all the hype, it was still really cool! It was a fun way of explaining a bit more about N.

After that battle, I got to explore Nimbasa proper.

Honestly, I don't get the purpose of the Small Court and Big Stadium? As far as I could tell, they both just had one trainer battle each and that was it.

The Musical Theater was fun, though! I had fun dressing up Arbaquo for a musical, and the music was nice! It felt sorta like the contests from Emerald.

Then was the Nimbasa Gym, a rollercoaster of a time. Literally.

The trainers were actually harder than Elesa herself, but she was still a challenge, since half my team was weak to her. But Minro had recently learned a new fire-type move, and put it to great use here.

Seriously, why do people dislike the elemental monkeys?

Anyways, after the gym, I set out onto Route 5, where I encountered Alder, the champion.

Like in X, the champion here is more than just a final challenge, but a friend you meet along the way. I find that neat, and Alder's theme music is great.

After making it across Driftveil Drawbridge, I made it into Driftveil City, home of Charles the Heartbreaker.

The rotation battle with him was really fun! It was an interesting and intriguing new way of battle!

But before I could get too comfortable in the city, I had a job to do: Investigate the Cold Storage, and find one of the sages of Team Plasma.

It was a neat ice sliding puzzle area! And I caught a Minccino while I was at it! I named her Minrir.

After finding Zinzolin, it was time to take on the Driftveil City gym! It wasn't too challenging, but Clay was still a fun foe!

Next was the quaint Route 6, where I caught another team member, Daria the Deerling.

Chargestone Cave was really cool! I really enjoyed the puzzles with the floating magnetic rocks, and I caught a Drilbur here, who I named Rilia!

The Team Plasma encounter here was cool, too! It was neat being surrounded by the Shadow Triad to be taken to N, and seeing N clash with Professor Juniper.

But soon, I emerged into Mistralton City, and not a moment too soon, for I had a breakthrough:

I had figured out how to usee my Action Replay to activate mystery gifts, and let me do the Victini event.

Upon activating the code, I received the Liberty Pass from the mystery gift deliverer, and promptly flew back to Castelia City, to see what this event was all about.

It wasn't much, probably because I was way over the level for it, but it was still fun battling the Plasma grunts, learning about Victini, and then battling and catching Victini!

After that little side tangent, I flew back to Mistralton. But before I could challenge the gym, I had to trek up Celestial Tower.

Celestial Tower felt a lot like the Pokemon Tower in Lavender Town back in Kanto. It was eerie, spooky, and had possessed trainers too! It was a very fun experience, and I enjoyed the climb.

After meeting with Skyla at the peak of the tower, it was time to go back to Mistralton and challenge her gym.

I thought the stuff I had heard about the cannons in her gym were exaggerated.

They were not exaggerated.

Not only were you shot out of cannons in order to traverse the gym, one of the final cannons shot you face-first into a steel wall. Youch.

But aside from that, Skyla was pretty easy, and I got my sixth badge.

After traveling across the other part of Route 7, and through the Twist Mountain mines, I arrived at the moist Icirrus City.

Gotta say, I was not expecting to be able to encounter wild Pokemon within a city, but I found it neat!

Also neat, if tremendously silly, was the quiz house. I laughed a lot at the question I got, being "What do you call your father's brother", and the hint being "it's not big brother".

But then it was time to face the Icirrus gym.

It was like a souped-up version of Cold Storage, with rotating mechanisms that change your sliding trajectory. It was a really fun puzzle!

But thanks to Minro, Brycen wasn't very tough. And I got my seventh badge.

As we exited the gym, though, who to greet us but Team Plasma? Seeing the Shadow Triad surround us was certainly a surprise, especially with them telling us to go to Dragonspiral Tower.

And so, to Dragonspiral Tower I went.

Dragonspiral Tower reminded me of Sky Pillar from Emerald, with it being more and more crumbled and unstable as you went up. It had a lot of fun navigational challenges as I made my way up to the top!

But I was too late. N had already awakened Zekrom, and now my only hope lay with awakening the legendary dragon of truth, Reshiram.

I really appreciate how, unlike Emerald and Firered, Black tells you where to go. You're not left wandering for hours trying to find the Team Magma base, only for it to be hidden behind a random rock on the other side of the region. Nor are you left to flounder after finding all your available routes blocked by Snorlaxes, only to find out that you had to backtrack to a prior city with no indication.

No, instead, Black directly tells you to head to the Desert Resort.

Speaking of which, the Desert Resort was neat! It was unique among most other decrepit structures I've seen in other mainline Pokemon games, in that you're not going up, but down. Down, down, as far as you can go, to the deepest part of this buried castle. It was really cool!

Alas, this is not where Reshiram was. They were actually right before my eyes all the way back in Nacrene City. Reshiram was the unassuming little stone in the top left part of the museum.

And so, I acquired the stone form of Reshiram, but they were still sealed, with me having no idea how to free them.

I flew back to Icirrus City, and continued onwards, making my way towards Opelucid City. But before I could get there, I had to travel across Tubeline Bridge first.

Let me tell you. It was an experience seeing a figure at the far end of the bridge, thinking, "hey, they look familiar", and as soon as I realize it's Ghetsis, I get surrounded by the Shadow Triad.

And then he tells you his whole secret evil plan. Which, I feel was kinda weird, but alright.

Route 9 was short enough that the shock was still there when I arrived at Opelucid City.

Opelucid City was reallty cool! I loved the look of it all, and the music was great! It even had the first rotation battles I've seen since Heartbreaker Charles!

And after a conversation with Iris and Drayden, it was time to take on my final gym of this game.

The Opelucid Gym was massive, with a really interesting puzzle. It felt almost overwhelming with how big it was, but soon, I made it to the end, to battle Drayden.

It was a fun fight, and his Druddigon gave me quite a bit of trouble. But I won, and got my final badge.

All that was left was to head through Route 10, and take on the Pokemon League...or so the game probably wanted me to think.

Route 10 had some really nice music, and the final rival battles against Cheren and Bianca. I haven't talked about them nearly enough here, so I'll do that now.

Cheren was my first roadblock, the one who curbstomped me three times in a row all the way back in Striaton. It was really neat seeing his character development, seeing him figure out what he wants to do with his life.

Bianca is a similar story. She never curbstomped me, but she had her own character development, that maybe she had a different calling in life than what she once thought. And from what I've heard of B2W2, I think she achieved that calling.

All in all, they're great rivals, and those final battles with them reminded me of the final battles with the Kalos friends, on the last route before its Victory Road.

Fitting, as I was just about to reach Unova's Victory Road.

The badge check gates here were amazing. They were like Kanto's, but with the flavor of Kalos, and dialed up to 11.

Each badge had its own themed area, with the Trio badge having an outdoor dining area, the Legend badge having two dragon statues, and so on. And with each gate i passed through, more instruments were added to the music, until it all came together, forming the music for Unova's Victory Road.

Hoenn's Victory Road was a test of navigation. Kalos' was a test of strength. Kanto's was a test of wit. What, then, would Unova's Victory Road test?

A combination of all three.

I had to use spatial reasoning to figure out what caves went where, and which slopes to slide down. I had to use my sense of direction to make it through the caves, and know when I'm going the wrong way. And I had to use my strength to defeat some of the toughest trainers yet.

It was fantastic, probably my favorite Victory Road yet.

And finally, I had made it to the Pokemon League.

Apparently I was wrong in my X retrospective. Kalos wasn't the first region to let you challenge the Elite Four in any order you wish. Unova lets you do that too.

I unfortunately don't remember much of my matches agaisnt Unova's Elite Four, but they were each very tricky. I had to use a lot of strategy to get past them each. And I remember that the order I fought them in was Shauntal, Grimsley, Marshal, and Caitlin. And some of them had mentioned another challenger, one that came before me.

I defeated them all, though, and was ready to face Champion Alder.

But I never got the chance to, as N had already beaten him first.

It was like a twisted version of the final hour of Firered. Your rival had become champion moments before you.

Only with N, he wasn't planning on a simple battle for the title of champion.

No, as the castle of Team Plasma rose up from the ground, I knew that this would be a battle to decide the fate of the Unova region.

But I had to reach N first, and travel through the castle to get to him.

Black is, as far as I'm aware, the first mainline Pokemon game to do the unthinkable: have the plot take precedence over the journey to become champion. Rather than the game's plot ending at the 7th or 8th gym, like with Emerald, X, and Firered, the ending of the plot is the ending of the game.

It's a lot like Violet in that regard, but I'll talk about that once I write my retrospective on Violet.

Team Plasma's Castle was an experience I won't soon forget. There were no battles until the very end. I was told the story of N and Team Plasma by the Shadow Triad, N's room, and N's siblings.

Anthea and Concordia should have gotten more screentime, yes. But I still like their role here, in how they show you more of what Team Plasma was like, and what drove N to be like this.

But before long, I made it to the throne room, where N waited.

N told me I wasn't ready, that I wasn't worthy, as Reshiram hadn't awakened yet. But before my eyes, the Light Stone began to glow, and Reshiram emerged from it.

I dedideed to use Minro to try to catch Reshiram, since Reshiram would likely be taking their spot on the team for the coming battles. I wanted to let my faithful monkey companion have one more moment in the spotlight.

And they performed wonderfully. Whittling down Reshiram to a tiny sliver of health, enough that I could catch it.

N was my toughest opponent yet, with his team being even higher leveled than the Elite Four.

But I remembered his words from back in Nacrene City, about how, when all of this was over, he wanted to be friends with me.

I think those words are what made this part of the game so emotional to me. I wanted that to come true.

And so, I battled, and I won.

And yet, it wasn't over. Ghetsis came along, and brutally berated N. And then, he challenged me, in a battle that would decide the fate of the Unova region.

He was even tougher than N was. Fitting, as he was my final challenge in the main story of this game. It took everything I had, every single member of my team, to defeat him. By the time I was at his last Pokemon, only Arbaquo was left standing.

But despite the odds, I won. I had defeated Ghetsis.

But before the credits rolled, there was one final cutscene. A conversation from N to me. About how he didn't understand me at first, about how he couldn't understand why a Pokemon had liked me. About how he wanted to battle me, to find out why.

And then, that iconic line came. About making my dreams come true.

I like to think that my character and N became friends.

And so, the credits rolled, ending this game.

I had completed Pokemon Black.

I had so much fun with this game, and I'm so glad I gave it another go. Out of the four I've completed for this marathon so far, it's probably my favorite mainline Pokemon game.

It's not perfect. It had its difficulty spikes, and a few parts of it felt a bit awkward.

But it was fantastic. I love this game, it was fantastic.

I see what the hype is all about now.

[prismaticpichu]

If you’re someone out there who enjoys my writing—enjoys anything that I do with my words or prose or style—I feel there’s something you oughta know!

I would not be anywhere without the incredible authors I took inspiration from.

I’m admittedly still a wee lad trudging through high school, and I still gotta whole lot to learn! And I’m gonna have fun on that journey. But I legit think I’ve absorbed and learned more from reading all these gifted works more than the lessons we were taught over the years. Ofc, the fundamentals were taught there—teaching me the rules before I could break them. But it was these people that taught me how to break those rules and how to do them effectively. And when you’re a writer, I find, there is no better learning experience than reading words on a page!

My style really seems to be an amalgamation of so many different things and people—prolly a lot of subliminal stuff, too. Though I feel like there’s at least two I gotta give HUGE hugs to for being so influential <3

~

LuckyLadybug on FF.Net! ~ Literally the first ever FF7 fics I’ve ever read. Literally the sole reason I love Zack & Sephiroth’s friendship. Her fics are absolutely legendary, all written in a very consistently clean and swift style. It’s not an overload on sensory detail, but it also ain’t choppy in the slightest. It really does strike that perfect balance of rhythmic and simple that I always try to fall back on when I find myself getting too flowery! It’s a real life savor—for real! And speaking of For Reals, almost everything I craft about Zack & Sephiroth’s relationship stems from the bond she created. I learned so much about how to make emotional, powerful scenes that really can convey just how much people can platonically love each other. She’ll always be the true power of friendship queen! And the best Zack & Sephiroth author I’ve ever had the honor of reading.

@altocat! ~ Oh boy… there is SO much to say xD Where to even start? While Ladybug was the foundation of my little fanfic quest, I don’t think there’s a soul who helped me build and evolve more than Alto’s works. Because if you aren’t aware, this goddess is just an artist with words. We’re talking the most vivid and powerful imagery you can imagine! Imagery that was so powerful, in fact (and I don’t think she even knows this lol!), that at least a solid year of my works fall into this Altocat-emulating-esque era. Never with the intention to copy, of course, but to try my hand at creating prose that was rich in rhythm, language, and meaning. And while I think I did take this WAY too far sometimes (I can say that bc I’m the author- and I know what just sounds unreadable in retrospect xD), but it was part of the learning process. And one I’m still in the middle of today. For more context, Alto was also the one who taught me the value of fragments and isolating words for emphasis. That something concise could be powerful. Beautiful. Beatiful and valuable. Like words that mirror the characters’ quickened heart rates as their thoughts begin to splinter and spiral and how to wield syntax in a way that’s both enjoyably breathless and taut with anxiety at the same time. I learned how to imbue emotion to my work and peel it back so it’s pure and raw. Altocat is an absolute MASTER of angst, and while I used to write relatively “dark” things, I don’t think I really ever got them right until readings AMT’s (see this! for more details on that gem). In a similar vein, she also taught me the kind of impact that beginning and ending lines can have—how to not waste them and how they can circle back to each other in clever and gorgeous ways. I learned the importance of diction from her work; I learned the meaning of SO many new words lol; I learned how to make dialogue just a tad more interesting. Overall, really, I think Alto really did teach me how to write in a lot of ways. At least, in the sense of taking a step that I had no idea was in front of me. A step I didn’t know existed, because I really never saw more beautiful craft in my life.

Anywho! I think I’m rambling a bit x,D I hope I didn’t embarrass you, my friend. Or weird you out lol!!! I was just doing some reflecting, really, and I just needed you to know how impactful your fics have been to me. And you have no flipping idea how honored I am to know you as a mutual <3 Ty for everything ❤️ Ty for being you!!

(For reference, this is why I always say to NEVER underestimate the kind of impact your works may have on people. No matter how small or how insignificant you think they may be. Because who knows??? Maybe you’ll end up changing a life, too <33)

~

Thx for listening to this spiel, folks!!! Much love!! <33

[insomniac-101]

I have to say, as a person that grew up watching Doctor Who and eventually lost interest, only to then pick it up as an adult again; the nuance of the portrayal of many of the relationships in the RTD era had to be one of the most surprising discoveries for me upon rewatch.

For a show that is silly ha ha for a large portion of it's existence, the human aspect of the RTD era is something I didn't truly appreciate until i watched it through my adult lens. You have such iconic companions such as, Rose Tyler, Martha Jones, Donna Noble all of which embrace both the negative and positive aspects of what it's like to be human. Their importance lies in their existence, and their ability to grow and learn from their experiences with the Doctor, who in turn is not above being portrayed as a flawed and traumatized person.

His trauma leads him to make decisions that may not always be the best, and the narrative goes out of its way to show that he's not always in the right. They affect his relationships to said companions, and in the end, it's these decisions he makes that lead him to regenerate alone. Because by not sharing the burden of his duties with the people that love him, he punishes himself to never truly heal from all the baggage and he pushes them away.

I believe this is why, although heartbreaking, it only made sense why the 10th doctor ultimately ends up alone.

He tells himself that he is cursed to live a lonely existence. That no one will truly ever understand what it's like to live as the last of his people, and although he may have a point in thinking that rules of his existence are drastically different from that of a human, he is wrong in assuming that we too don't also suffer from the same burden. And so, this is why him ultimately choosing the fates of those around him, against the wishes of those affected, is so unfair (and why he's often punished for it).

Not every human lives the entirety of their life span. It's the very short lives we live (in comparison to that of a time lord, I mean) that help us put into perspective what is truly important. We live our lives knowing that any day may be our last, but instead of wallowing in it, we continue on because that is one of the strengths of humanity: our ability to keep going. We don't forget our pasts, we confront it and carry it with us.

An aspect of humanity that we see him envy through out the run. The slow path, a simple life that is deprived of all the danger he loves but carries the security he lacks. He puts up a front, alienating himself from his companion's lives because he claims they're not worth the time of a time lord but in truth, he can't help but get involved regardless. Because he is not above the basic desire of companionship and love, and by attempting to deprive himself of it (by not being honest about his feelings to himself and those around him) out of an act of self preservation, he is left to wonder what would his life had been had he given in. Would his separation from them been any less hurtful than it was in his final moments: left to watch them live their lives from afar as he returned to a console room empty of the people who loved him? Perhaps, but the undeniable truth is that in never allowing it, he'll never know and that must hurt a lot more in retrospect.

This is ultimately why Tentoo gets his happy ending. Him, being an amalgamation of all the human traits the time lord tried so hard to stunt through out his run. It's this version of himself that is able to be honest with the people around him. He feels fear, making an impulsive decision to end a threat out of the need to protect those he loves. In doing so, ignoring his duty as a time lord to conserve the wellbeing of the universe. He is able to tell the woman he loves that he wants to spend his life with her. Give her the choice to decide what her life would be, even if it didn't include him without the threat of permanent separation. He may have been born out of war and hatred, yet the reason why he exists is because the doctor wished to have more time with that very same woman. Putting his regeneration energy into his hand as a means of not changing into a man unfamiliar to her and potentially losing all of the feelings he held for her in the process. This version of himself, was also born out of the love he had for humanity but what makes him different, is that he embraces it (symbolically and literally lol). Which is why, his time lord self resents him.

His story is a cautionary tale. A reminder of why it is important to treasure the people who come into our lives and to respect their ability to make their own decisions. To live in the moment rather than hide in fear of what the future must bring, because the pain the unknown will bring will never erase the joy felt in those precious memories spent with the people we love.

He realizes this, in his final moments. How much more terrifying it is to be alone than with his beloved friends, in spite of knowing how much it'll hurt to lose them one day.

"I don't want to go"

His final words are a testament of the tragedy/irony of his situation. A man born out of the love he has for humanity, yet he loses his way by not embracing the very thing that once saved him.

[feiandart]

Hi Fei, not sure if this message becomes public or not but I couldn't find any other way to contact you. Just wanted to apologise for my comment on chapter 35. I realise in retrospect it might have seemed rude, I was trying to be funny. So, I'm very sorry, and I don't want you to think I didn't enjoy the chapter. I have deleted the comment. If I may take this chance as well, you have been an inspiration to me, I love your writing. I am too an aspiring writer that took a sabbatical for many years, though my self doubt is my biggest saboteur right now. I would love to know how you honed your craft, your words are so beautifully written. I look forward to the next chapter ♥

First of all, hello and thank you for reaching out to me! ♥

I'm afraid my memory doesn't work properly (it never does, sadly), but I'm pretty sure no comment made me think "oh, that was rude", so don't worry at all ♥ Gonna admit now I'm curious 'bout what that was owo But I will not ask for you to share that again if it makes you feel uncomfortable!

Your words means a lot to me! ♥ I had inspiration issues for half of my life. I was around fifteen when I wrote my last paragraph, and after that I didn't for other fifteen years. Honest to God, Good Omens and its community saved me in more than a way when I was at my lowest - helped me both with coming back at writing, and starting drawing for myself. I startend enjoying things again. And I needed that. So, since finding inspiration again was so meaningful to me, being able to inspire others is like I achieved something so big I can't really find words to express it properly. It makes me feel kinda... Oh, dunno. I guess we can go with: blessed. Finding inspiration was (and is) an healing process to me. And I hope it'll be the same to others. So if it came to me, I can only be SO glad to know!! So thank you so much for sharing this!! ♥

Let me tell you this: I am my biggest saboteur myself. So I do understand what you say, and I can guess what you feel right now. My suggestion is something practical. Go in front of the mirror, tell yourself what you want to do and look straight into your eyes. Then, say: "I will do it. And you will NOT stop me." Then say the same to all the people who might go against you. Nobody, not even yourself, should have the power to stop you from doing the things you love. It may be hard at the very start, troublesome meanwhile, but I can assure you nothing's better than being able to live your dreams. All I can do for you now is assuring you I am on your side! And I am sure you can do whatever makes you feel happy.

Last, but not least (dear Lord I wrote so much and I'm not done yet.......), your last question. Funny thing to answer that one, actually. 'cause I never practiced. I never studied a way to arrange phrases and words, actually right now I'm always a bit overwhelmed anytime I sit myself in front of the screen and open my file to start writing. I'll tell you, I'm the messiest people in the entire universe. I had all the plot already written back in november, but yet my characters slip off my hands and do whatever they want. Does it makes any sense to you? I have to costantly re-arrange my plot to make sure everything have some kind of logic. The rest come from my own mind. Sugar, specifically, means a lot to me under a lot of different aspects. Both characters holds part of myself, my own traumas, my own experiences, my own mazes and struggles. I think maybe sometimes things went when I didn't want them to go 'cause my mind played dirty on me and I was unable to stop it. But I don't complain. So I'm afraid I don't have a real answer but this one: I just put myself into every single word I write. I play all the scenes in my mind just like watching movies. I feel what my characters does and, I will not deny this, oftern I cry while doing that too. I'm a bit too much emphatic, perhaps?

Gonna admit, writing Sugar is exactly like going to therapy to me. Goes just along with that, it helps me process myself, my own emotions, helps me validate anything bad I've ever felt.

Well uh, I got pretty carried away with this answer but I hope you can find something helpful around all of these messy words of mine ♥ (And sorry for my poor english if I made some mistake here and there, I fully believe in honest-to-God messages when it comes to answer people, both in comments, chat or anywhere else, so I never actually go back trying to correct my messages. Dunno, it feels like leaving you all full access to my stream of consciousness everytime I give answers like these. Not sure this makes sense. To me it does.)

Don't ever ever be afraid to tell me what you think or reach out! I'll always be here, happy to give you an answer. Thank you so much! ♥

[tanadrin]

Hello! Bisexual cis man with BDSM/noncon fantasies. Two things that I think might be kind of interesting about my sexual situation:

First, although I recognize that "autogynephilia" is an awful, transphobic concept used to delegitimize trans women, it does kind of accurately describe me. In most of my life, I'm pretty much comfortable being, presenting as, and being perceived as a man. Sexually, however, I have a lot of fantasies in which I am a woman, and sometimes get kind of sad that I don't have breasts or a vagina specifically in sexual contexts, though on the whole I quite like my body and current genitalia situation and wouldn't actually want to make any changes.

Second, my kink fantasies tend to be about certain power dynamics or situations, and I nearly always enjoy imagining myself as either party. If I watch/read noncon porn, or just imagine such a scenario, I might picture myself as victim or perpetrator, depending on my mood. Likewise, in an IRL kink scene, if I'm interested at all, I'm pretty much always happy playing either role, though again I do sometimes have a preference for one or the other in the moment.

One unusual way these interact is that the "girl version" of me is exclusively submissive. In a dominant role, I'm pretty much always envisioning myself as myself, a man with a penis. When I'm being submissive is when I'm much more likely to envision myself as a woman with a vagina. The closest thing I've experienced to dysphoria was when I was I was subbing during cowgirl-style PIV and my partner made reference to my cock, when I had been imagining myself as having a vagina that she was penetrating with a strap-on, and it fairly violently broke me out of the fantasy. I've considered the possibility that this is just some sort of internalized misogyny (submissive=female/receptive) but it's not like I really have any control over it so I mostly just enjoy it for what it is.

I think autogynephilia is a bad concept etiologically bc I don’t think there’s much evidence to support the “erotic target location error” Blanchard hypothesizes is even a coherent idea. Aside from AGP as described not encompassing a huge swathe of the transfem experience—almost certainly the vast majority. There is another equally compelling model to me that nonetheless accounts even for the experience of self-identified AGPs, which is that sex is necessarily an extremely gendered activity. Most people, including most *cis* people, have a strongly gendered sense of themselves in an erotic context.

Thus I would expect it is pretty usual for someone who is mostly cis by default, or who is not dysphoric in most of their life (or is disconnected from that dysphoria) and therefore not often preoccupied with the issue of their gender presentation, to twig on that issue most strongly when it comes to their erotic life, if they are in fact in some capacity trans, because it is really really hard to disconnect from issues of gender even in our comparatively egalitarian society inside the bedroom.

I was mostly cis-by-default as a kid (though there were Signs in retrospect), and it wasn’t until adolescence, when I began to notice “hey, that’s weird, I like imagining myself as a girl a *lot* more when it comes to thinking about sex” that I began to consider these questions more deeply. And even then it took a while—not only because I grew up in a time and place where awareness of trans stuff was pretty bad, but because I was so meh about gender in other areas of my life (and un-confident about myself in general) that the idea of staking an actual positive claim in contravention of societal expectation of my identity was kinda scary. Terrifying, really. And that’s something I still have issues with as an adult, and not just around gender identity.

I think this experience is not all that unusual among folks who don’t realize they’re trans until adolescence or adulthood. Couldn’t say how common it is in the general population of such folks though.

I’m not saying you’re really trans or would be happier identifying that way—I mostly just wanted to pontificate on my alternative hypothesis of AGP. People should use the label that feels most useful to them (if they want), and if you identify as a man but like imagining you’re getting fucked like a woman, AGP is useful for that purpose. I hope you find someone to peg you and call you a pretty girl!