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staringatthesky11 · 4 years

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Some (not really spoilery or in depth) thoughts on Midnight Sun...

Edward. So pompous and dramatic and emo and angst-ridden and all just so gloriously Edward! He’s utterly ridiculous, and for a mind reader he is mind bogglingly imperceptive. I will never see him the way I think SM wants me to.

LOVED the Alice and Jasper content. So much more clarity on her visions and what she sees and how they work and how they fail! Same for Jasper’s gift and how he is seen by others - whole new insight into him for me and I’m intrigued. Already wanting to be inspired with plots because I’d love to explore this in my writing at some point. Totally did not expect to love those two in this book the way I did.

Esme...ugh. We all know Edward’s her favourite, but seriously? She seemed to revere him to level that was disturbingly creepy in this book. He is not the second coming.

I did appreciate all the flashbacks and Cullen history bits that came into it - I’ve always been here for that. The family, the vampirism, the complex history...it’s always grabbed me more than the romance.

Rosalie and Emmett....well.

Look, we all know I was never that likely to LIKE it. I’ve written hundreds of thousands of words of fanfic basically saying that when it comes to Rosalie, Edward has it WRONG - I half didn’t even want to read this book because I just wasn’t sure that I wanted 700+ pages of Edward shitting all over my girl.

And to be fair, there was some good bits. A couple of conversations. She lets go with some good insults.

But I am definitely left with the same frustrations as always. Rosalie is demonised for the same things that others are praised for. Her focus is Emmett, and whether he is going to be hurt in the whole situation, and Edward is scathing about her selfishness. Never mind that he’s putting everyone else in danger because BELLA’S safety is the only thing HE cares about. Jasper would sacrifice anything to keep Alice safe and that’s honourable, but Rosalie feels that way for Emmett and she’s vilified for it. Rosalie sees so much value in humanity over vampirism that grief over losing it has coloured her whole unlife and she’s viewed as being bitter and a harpy, but Edward values humanity over vampirism so much that he would deny Bella her wish and let her die an old woman before killing himself and he’s the great romantic hero?

I have always been deeply uncomfortable with the anti-sex bent towards Rosalie and Emmett, and that was definitely there in this book. Rosalie and Emmett’s relationship can be obnoxious (and yes, that part I agree with - no one necessarily wants to be around other people’s public displays of affection!) but it is very clear that Edward sees it as somehow lesser, somewhat icky and dirty and distasteful that sex is a big part of the way they are together. (And yet BELLA being physically attracted to him, physically reacting to him, physically WANTING him...that’s different???) Nothing is said about Carlisle/Esme and Alice/Jasper and what they do or don’t get up together physically - we only get told that Rosalie and Emmett do it a lot and Edward finds that repugnant.

Tangentially related (it’s about sex, but not the good kind) but Edward’s rage and fury about what almost happened to Bella in Port Angeles also plays into this. Bella’s innocence was nearly besmirched and he’s gone berserk, but does he ever actually think that all those things he saw happening to her, all that horror and brutality and violation....Rosalie LIVED it. IT HAPPENED TO HER. No one showed up in a shiny Volvo to rescue her. And she lives with that trauma every single day of her unlife, and Edward gives her no quarter for how that might affect her.

The relationship of Rosalie with both Emmett and the rest of their family is something else that has always bothered me, and Midnight Sun did not make me feel any better about it. Midnight Sun’s Emmett is a good brother to Edward, but he is also basically presented as a simpleton. All we see of his relationship with Rosalie is him being the long suffering husband putting up with her hysterics and temper. There was even that very telling switch in something Emmett says to Rosalie, where in the leaked version he called her ‘baby’ and in this new version he calls her ‘gorgeous’. It’s a single word, changing it shouldn’t have any real impact, and yet it does. ‘Baby’ in that context is playful, it’s affectionate, it’s personal, it’s loving...and yet we now get ‘gorgeous’, which once again reduces Rosalie to nothing more than her appearance and their relationship back to the superficial.

And sorry, but you’re not with someone for seventy years because you think they’re hot and good in bed...there HAS to be more to it than that, but Edward doesn’t seem to think so.

Rosalie also goes against the rest of the family a lot in this one, and we see her being the scapegoat. It is repeatedly shown that her feelings, her opinions, her personal agency, all rank FAR below Edward’s in the family hierarchy and everyone supports that disparity. (And yes okay, when her opinion is that murdering a child is a good way forward she probably *should* be the one to give in! But why is Bella watching the family baseball game more important than Rosalie playing in it? Why, when Edward throws the family all into danger and breaks all the rules is ROSALIE the unreasonable one when she points out the potential for harm?)

It is made abundantly clear by Edward that no one in the family particularly likes Rosalie, that they all just put up with her temper (mostly for Emmett’s sake? Because of Carlisle’s guilt?)...it really seems like they tolerate her being part of the family at best. And for someone whose characterisation has them breathing admiration like air, would that ever be bearable? To spend the vast majority of your time with a family who would be perfectly content without you? I can’t see it.

Okay, that was more depth than i meant to go into! But what can I say? I have FEELINGS here!

Oh, and maybe I’m the only one but quite honestly I am digging that pomegranate cover. It is almost nauseating but just the visual of it so perfectly sums up Twilight vampirism for me...this ghastly thread of unavoidably grotesque horror hidden under the veneer of exquisite beauty and civility!

And also because in the medieval Twilight/ New Moon combo rewrite I did, the only time I’ve ever written Edward and Bella, a fucking POMEGRANATE was the central object of my plot! It was the pomegranate that led to the alternate birthday scene (where Jasper tries to kill her) and Edward leaves her and everything unravels in a different way and and and....

And when I wrote that I read all this pomegranate symbolism and was like oh yeah, it’s got to be one of those. I didn’t even write any of the symbolism in, it was one of those things that I thought no one except me would ever even think about and yet here I am, and EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN is rambling on about pomegranates and symbolism and how it relates to his life and I feel like a goddess, lmao.

#midnight sun #Rosalie #Rosalie Hale #allow me to introduce you to my work #this is where fanfic comes in #yikes i can ramble when I get going

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feysandfeels · 3 years

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ACOSF: very long, very spoilery review

No one asked me to do this, but I need to talk, discuss and get it all out there.I am still very much feeling the high of this book, but I thought I would share some of my opinions. These of course might change as time passes and I reread the series and the book. But as of now here is where I stand.

If you did not like the book or had many issues with it, maybe this isn’t the post for you.

For reading purposes I will divide this in different sections that I hope can effectively tackle what I want to talk about.

When I say it’s a long post... I mean it’s long.

II. Side Characters // III. Future Books.

I. Plot:

From the get go it became obvious that we would face an ACOMAF type of book, in which the development and advancement of the plot would stem largely from the characters. Where MAF created a more equal ratio between action and character, even if it prioritized character, SF really created a 70-30 ration, 70 would be character and 30 action.

I’ve been seeing a few reviews where people say that there was no plot just sex and Nesta. I disagree. Nesta’s development was the plot. And it makes a lot of sense, to me, why we did not experience a lot of “action plot”: She is not a working member of the Night Court, at least not in the way the IC is in this book, so therefore she will not get full access into the different things that are at play. Since Nesta is not a working member it makes sense that she is detached from what is happening, apart from the “please help us find these things”. The most action we get comes from Cassian who is more involved in the politic side of things and even then it was explained that he was needed for #InternationalRelationshipsWithEris, because he is a working member of the court. You can tell that they chose him for that because they literally had no one else: Feyre couldn’t risk people finding out she was pregnant, Mor had her own task and is not going to meet regularly with her abuser, Az and Rhys are fucking overworked and Amren is not a people’s person. I would have loved to see more of his work as a general when they are not at war -that we saw more in WAR- we get mentions of what he does but I wished we had gotten more on that front.

Nesta: I have never hated Nesta, I simply could not see the logic behind her actions and her behavior. I now do. I understand why she came to be and I value her so much more now. Nesta showed another face mental illness can take, how a deep sense of failure can affect you, the darkest thoughts that you are afraid to voice, she voiced. She moved forward and then made mistakes, showing how healing is not linear. Her journey made a lot of sense to me. Her rage made sense to me, her sexuality made a lot of sense to me. I could empathize with her and for that I will be forever grateful, because sometimes rage that comes from a sense of failure is what you will also find in me.

Her insecurities concerning Cassian, her feelings of unworthiness regarding Feyre, the guilt she felt when she thought of her father, her lack of control regarding the trauma she went. Nesta took all that and made it rage. And I could hardly judge her for that.

Thanks to the way she talked about the mating bond when Cassian was like “we’re mates” I could understand better why Feyre got so upset that Rhys didn’t tell her. The argument of it being tied to their humanity was very interesting.

Also the way that she relates to her power, having lack of control and understanding of what it is (and according to Amren, respect) and having that power being death. You cannot control death, you cannot fully understand it, and yet you have to walk each day with that presence. She has been marked by so much death and grief that I thought it was very appropriate that her journey is marked by her own fear of death and of that which she cannot control: death that now lives in her. There is so much to unpack in that aspect alone.

I loved that final sequence when she gives up her cauldron based powers because those came from rage. She took them when she was raging (and rightfully so) but those nurtured the fury and death she carried with her. So to have her literally give up her death (rage) powers to give live to the sister that literally gave it all for her was a beautiful poignant crystal clear moment –and hella intense too–. There is a sense of gratitud that I feel having read her story.

Cassian: He was always God Tier for me. His warmth, openness, support and strength spoke to me on a personal level. He is truly the person you want in your life. And I love that we got to see him flawed and make mistakes and be aware of the role he has been playing (regarding Mor and Az, which I think is quite important to the development of that situation).

As the person closest to Nesta in her recovery, I think it is very important that he knows the deep failure that Nesta is feeling and the sense of not being useful when they should have been. It makes it more clear why he was the one that could actually help her overcome those feelings and the storm they create in her. Now, the way he was supportive of her seems so realistic to me, the frustration, the anger, the wanting to shake the person: all of it happens in real life. You can have a lot of patience and want what’s best for them but some times to yourself and those who are not the person you are trying to help, you can show the frustration of wanting to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, but needs to.

Finally I LOVED that there was acknowledgement of how observant and intelligent he is. Being a good general is not an easy task and I’m glad they explicitly said it, because Cass being understood as the dumb jock is done at this point.

The sex: To me sex in SJM’s books are always more than just the wink wink nudge nudge-read it with a glass of wine-moment. They have always been a mechanism for us to get to know more about the characters and where they are in their journey. Even when they were just having sex, the way Nesta describes how open she is with Cassian is a pretty big tell of the groundwork that is being laid for her to start to understand what she feels for him. I think it is interesting to also see it as a reclaiming of her body and an exploration of her body with someone she trusts, as opposed to the way she was using sex to forget and to try to feel. Also, and I’ve said this before the fuck buddies -> lovers is an interesting dynamic, specially specially when every time they are together you know they both want more but they think the other doesn’t! That’s just *chef’s kiss*

The wider conflict: I think this book in the action-political plot was the ACOTAR of the problems we will face in the next ones. In the next one it will be like “shit what did we unleash” and start a political-spying plot. The characters that we all hope we will explore are more connected to the larger schemes that are taking place so we will see an expansion of that. Because this book was very self-contained. Think Guardians in the MCU, but here we have the clues and the basic groundwork for where the “action” part of the story will take is. I do not think it was lacking because from the get go it was shown that the main focus would be Nesta’s personal journey.

#ACOSF #ACOSF spoilers #ACOSF review #A Court of Silver Flames #Nesta Archeron #Nessian #Nesta #Cassian #Feysandfeelspost #Feyre Archeron

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mogsk · 3 years

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So I watched an anime called “Violet Evergarden” recently, the elevator pitch of which is basically “feral girl is taken in by military man, turned into a child soldier, military man dies, but not before telling her ‘I love you’, but she doesn’t know what that means, so after the war she becomes a ghostwriter with the ostensible aim of figuring out what ‘I love you’ means through other people’s expressions of love via letter-writing.

It’s a good little concept, and while I enjoyed it, it’s also stuck in my brain as being profoundly odd from a storytelling perspective.

Like, the initial premise is v strong, Violet’s driving objective is to understand the last thing she heard her father figure, “The Major”, say to her before she blacked out and woke up with no arms. She was a feral orphan child with little grasp of language or expression, and so she is burdened with not understanding what this very important person to her was trying to convey before they parted ways. Good shit.

And it seems to carry this fairly well at first. Each episode varies in how much it advances the central plot, but each boils down to Violet having to learn a lesson about how people express their feelings for each other, how they express love through words, or how they fail to do so, and so slowly she goes from only being able to produce very precise and terse letters which read more like military reports, to being able to swoop in and fix people’s interpersonal problems with the power of a well-dictated love note.

Where it kinda falls apart for me is about halfway through the series, where we see that Violet has more or less grown into her role as protagonist in an anime about the power of letter writing and the meaning of love (-ish). She’s gotten so good she’s tasked with facilitating one half of a romantic correspondence between the nobles of two nations whose relations are still tense after The War (which Violet fought in), and so have decided to arrange a marriage between their noble children -- a 14-year old girl and a 24-year old man.

Now up to that point, the messaging around the central theme felt odd, but it made sense, like, Violet is growing to understand love, and so how the show does this is by giving her a lot of weird and fraught situations around that theme: we have a woman who is in love with a man, but she wants to play hard to get which Violet ruins by writing a letter that just directly states ‘I have no feelings for you, please stop calling on me’. So then she goes to letter-writing school where one of her classmates has an alcoholic brother who she wants to express her love and thanks towards, but doesn’t know how to pierce the barrier of grief surrounding him due to the death of their parents in The War.

It keeps on like this p consistently, the central question “What is love? What does someone mean when they say ‘I love you’?” is addressed fairly cleanly, but then, once the issue of Violet’s struggle with being able to convey people’s emotions becomes effectively resolved, we kinda start to leave the rails!

Back to the mid-point episode, so, through trying to properly convey this 14yo princess’ feelings, Violet learns what her true feelings are. No, it’s not that she is discontent with being forced to marry a man ten years older than her because, you see, they already secretly met at a royal party when she was, like...10?? And he found her crying and was, like, “Hey kid, you okay?” and that was the first genuine expression of human emotion outside of her dutiful maid she’d ever gotten. You see, what her discontent is is that she knows the man she met, with a heart so simple and pure he feels compelled to comfort a crying child, would never write these letters, and so Violet conspires with the prince’s ghostwriter to allow them to have a more honest correspondence (which is then reprinted in all the newspapers around both countries.)

What got me about this episode is how it, like, throws all these different narrative threads in the air around this central theme of “What is love?” -- the concept of arranged marriage, the idea of confusing appreciating someone’s kindness for having other feelings for them, the MAID who is, like, the princess’ closest friend and confidant, but who has to explain that, once she’s married off, they will have to part ways because she doesn’t serve the princess, she serves the royal family and there’s this great scene where the princess is weeping after she says that and the maid is like “I cannot accept that command, I will continue standing here right by your side” and it’s really intense!

But then...it all gets dropped in the interest of the final note being...yeah sometimes you have to marry a guy in his twenties when you’re just a teenager, but love’s just funny like that ig!

Which sounds ungenerous, and like, I wanted that to be the case, I wanted it to be setting up something, like, “Despite Violet gaining proficiency in letter writing, she still is struggling to understand the more nuanced dimensions of love and so her shortsightedness will come back round to bite her in the ass” (it does not, we even get a montage of all the people she’s helped including the newly married royal couple smiling happily at the camera.)

We then get more episodes like this, where Violet’s done learning about Love and is now in effect teaching it to others. She does this by...sitting and looking pretty with a guy while they wait for a comet to go by, imitating a playwright’s dead daughter so he can be inspired to finish his play, and...writing a bunch of letters on behalf of a mother dying from anime mom disease, but who wants to be able to speak to her daughter as she grows up through a series of pre-written birthday letters.

And, like, in isolation, it’s all very moving! Each story has a very touching emotional drive to it, but it seems like the question of “What does ‘I love you’ mean?” p much falls to the wayside, even after we get the big 3/4s of the way through reveal that the Major is dead and Violet didn’t know! So we’re treated to flashbacks of their relationship, including the moment where he repeats that damning phrase!

But then we really don’t pick it back up again? It kinda superficially grows in relevance as we approach the conclusion, but it’s never again properly addressed until after a sudden spat of military drama breaks out with people trying to reignite The War and Violet suddenly having to put down her typewriter and pick up her combat knife, but now, for some reason, she refuses to kill people because...she isn’t just a tool?

And I think this is what ultimately frustrated me, is that those are two great themes “Discovering what it means to love” and “Can a person conditioned to fulfill a specific purpose ever be free to choose their own path?” but the problem is, the series really has centered itself on the former while kinda sorta implying the latter, but in the final scenes, we are suddenly given a resolution to the latter (which is basically Metal Gear Solid, “You are not your DNA”, “Just live Snake” that’s been done beautifully and with more thought already by, well, Metal Gear Solid) whereas the former, what was the entire driving force behind Violet’s character development is kinda sorta hand-waved off as “What is love? I still don’t think I know, but maybe that’s just how it is!” which is fucked up coming from someone who by the midway point is basically counselling or facilitating love between people!

So, like, I enjoyed it a lot, there were some great moments and the supporting cast, while mostly one-dimensional save for Violet herself, made for at least nice scenery, but I’m just so blown away by how they seemed to manage to forget (or ceased wanting) to tell the story they laid out in the beginning in favor of some p uniform military drama that suffered precisely because most of the series was dedicated to developing the central theme that it ultimately seemed to abandon, or perhaps came across as being burdened with having to carry into the conclusion.

Also it was super fixated on dads, like, The Major is basically Violet’s dad, his best buddy who goes on to hire Violet as a ghostwriter has a big reveal in the end that he’s been writing letters to his hypothetical future child, the sad dad playwright with the dead daughter -- I dunno what to do with all this besides the usual base level of suspicion I have for all dead-heavy content, but yeah!

There’s two movies, a side story from mid-way through the series and a sequel, and I feel like I almost have to watch them at some point, just so I can tie a neater bow on how I experienced this whole story, but yeah, Violet Evergarden, come for the cool metal typing hands, stay for the heartfelt explorations of what it means to love people, shift nervously in your seat when dads suddenly become involved!

#spoilers

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sandalaris · 4 years

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OTP/Pairing questions: SethKate 1, 9 and 10? 💖

I put 1 under a cut, because it became really very long.

9. Favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics? (Can be headcanon)

Probably how, despite everything working against it, there’s an equality to them once they get out of the abductor/abductee mentality (which happens fairly quickly all things considered.). There’s hints of it through out the show, but my favorite moment of it is when Sonja enters the picture. Seth does the same power play with both of them, glaring them down while advancing towards them in a display of dominance, and yet Sonja backs down, dropping her gaze and giving up ground to him while in her own work space, a place she should feel in complete control in, and a large, uncovered window right there that keeps her from being isolated with him. But when he pulls that same shit with Kate, while utterly alone in a motel room that belongs just as much to him as it does her and no one around to play witness, she stares right back and refuses to give into his dominance play. (There’s absolutely more evidence to Seth and Kate being on equal footing, but this one *chef’s kiss*)

There’s something I find so utterly delightful in someone like Kate, young and a little naive at first and all softness wrapped around steel, able to stand on equal footing to the bank robbing murderer who’s at his utter worst for a bulk of the time she knows him. Especially when the tough and fiery tattoo artist/forger who’s used to being in the criminal world and dealing with people like Seth couldn’t do it.

10. Least favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics? (Can be headcanon)

As much as I like what all it means/represents for them and how it contrasts with the Seth and Sonja dynamic, the fact that Seth pulled a power play on Kate in the first place, that he tried to cow her into submission, is something I don’t care for (wouldn’t change it, too necessary for their individual story arcs and I like what it reveals about their relationship), and how much Kate aimed for Seth’s most vulnerable points when fighting with him in season two. (Which if I’m honest, I would be tempted to change, even though logically I know it’s a character flaw for her that helps round her out as a character. Which probably says more about me than her that I’d be tempted to change it if I’d had the power.)

I know they’re each dealing with a ton of shit in season two. Seth’s got control issues to begin with, and that’s not even getting into all those protective instincts, both the new one’s with Kate’s name on them and the one’s belonging to Richie that find her a convenient target, and how much Seth feels that if he can just bully Kate into obeying him he can keep her safe and with him. And Kate’s angry and hurt and lashing out at someone who she feels holds some of the blame for those feelings. She keeps threatening to leave, and Seth’s abandonment issues are extra sensitive after what went down with Richie and Kate knows this. They’re both in a fucked up place, although Kate is trying to put herself back together while Seth’s still wallowing in his hurt and anger.

It’s something that I don’t think is a big problem after season two. Kate was already on the path to healing before she left (even if she’s not there yet by the end of the season) and while it falls more in the realm of headcanon, I think she acknowledges her destructive lashing out to herself and makes a point to try and not let herself slip back into the habit. And while Seth still has his issues, he’s not being ruled by them quite so hard after season two. He probably still does some controlling things, ordering her meal for her if they’re at a sit down restaurant and phrasing things more as commands than requests, and I still have a headcanon that he assigned her bodyguards without her knowledge after the events of season three, but those things are manageable. Again, I wouldn’t change anything that happened or their respective issues, but if I had to point out my least favorite part of their dynamic it would how they were in season two when he was too controlling and Kate took careful aim to hurt Seth as much as she could with her words.

1. If you had to change the pairing’s very first meeting, how would you change it? This has gone into full on What If territory and thus is long and under a cut. :P

If I had to change how they met and somehow keep it in the same canon-universe, I’d probably have Carlos drag the Fullers to the Twister, because he’s the one who wanted the family there so badly. Seth and Kate wouldn’t really meet until all hell broke loose and the initial massacre had passed, leaving the Geckos, Scott and Kate, and Professor Tanner still alive, and Seth wouldn’t really get to know/care about her until after they were on the road together (meaning no scenes where they’ve linked arms or him shoving her behind him while they navigate the underground tunnels, because Kate doesn’t mean anything to him at this point, is just another body to place between him and the vampires).

Instead of asking if he wants company, Kate would ask for a ride to the nearest town, because she doesn’t know enough about who he is and what he’s capable of to truly trust him not to mean her harm, especially after Tanner. Everything, both good and bad, that happened between them in season one wouldn’t be there to bind them together or give the other insight into who the other is. They’d stick around after actually finding the nearest town because Kate doesn’t actually have a plan and Seth’s terrified of being alone and they’ve talked just enough and are just tired enough to find it easier to not leave the other just yet, but it would be with this idea that’s its temporary. Their relationship would be different, far less trust or care between them, but still enough of a foundation and understanding that they decide to stick together for a bit. First week would pretty much be the same because trauma needs sorting through.

Seth would be a lot more obvious about his physical interest in her as time goes on, because he doesn’t have the guilt of being the one to put her in that place or her daddy’s death hanging over his head (Carlos would have disposed of Jacob before they ever even got to the Twister in this, and Seth only finds out after the fact that he even existed at all or what he meant to Kate and the fresh grief she’s carrying with her), and because he doesn’t care for her nearly to the same depth here and is therefore less careful with/protective of their relationship/her (if he makes it too awkward and she leaves, oh well. He'll wish her luck and then find someone else to travel with.) It doesn’t mean as much as it would’ve had he made the offer in canon, more just him making it obvious that he’s interested if she is as opposed to the declaration it would have been in show. Kate is a still a sheltered, sexually-repressed teenager who’s never gone past kissing though, and while she’s been through a shit ton of trauma that has her questioning where she stands on her convictions, she’s not really ready to jump into bed with anyone, let along an almost-stranger, even after she realizes he’s interested in something more akin to dating than a one-night stand. They may or may not start something, I’d have to write it out to see (and I’ve got too many fics in the works as is :P), but if they did it’d be caught somewhere between Seth’s jumping in feet first and Kate’s more celibate dating habits. All shared meals at actual restaurants and heavy make-out sessions in various stages of undress and Kate still asking for separate beds (they sadly never do grow to that level of familiarity and emotional intimacy while on the road together that they do in show). She’s not comfortable telling Seth about her inexperience here and he makes his own assumptions based on hormonal teenagers who stiffen everytime he messes with the button on her jeans. (They both keep jumping to the wrong conclusions, but neither are at a place where they will ask the other such questions.)

It’s a much slower emotional build, taking those weeks on the road to get to what they had by the end of season one in the show, but Kate still leaves, because Scott is still the most important person to her and Seth still has issues with brothers. It happens sooner and without a big fight, because they don’t mean as much to each other here to try and convince the other to stay/come with, but it’d feel more like an end to both of them than it ever did in canon. They’d eventually come back together after they fix things with their brothers (and maybe dealing with Amaru, I’m not sure how much of that would change in this without diving deeper into it). Scott’s still a culebra but holds none of the loyalty he did to Carlos in canon, and would be more likely side with the stranger wearing glasses who wants to rule Malvado’s territory than the man who murdered his dad and gave his sister to a serial killer, and Kate’s going where her brother does. Her and Seth give off a This is my Ex vibe when they meet again, but it’s not as awkward or as angry and hurt as people think it should be and Richie is a nosy little shit who genuinely likes Kate (a first for him with Seth’s romantic entanglements) and Scott has no problem sharing stories of his sister’s past exes with the new guy and basically they learn about each other’s pasts through the other’s brother in a way that means they understand a bit more of what they are getting into when they get back together.

Fin!

If I got full room to play and didn’t need to keep the storyline in tact in the slightest and can do an All Human AU (which I not-so-secretly want to explore) where they meet under entirely ordinary circumstances....

Kate’s in college and living away from home, and has come to the realization she doesn’t want to live the life she was always told she wanted.

(Kyle put a promise ring on her finger during senior year and keeps making comments about getting a job so he can support them and looking at houses in the same small town she grew up in and no one gets why she went to college in the first place when she’s already got a man to take care of her and why don’t you come home, Katie, when are you getting married already, what are you waiting for-

Kate can’t breathe when she thinks about it because she’s only eighteen and there’s so much she wants to do even though everyone she went to high school with is already settling down and talking babies and she’s not ready not ready not ready--- She calls and breaks up with him while sporting her first ever hangover. She only went to the party because the semester was almost over and she needed a break, but she got drunk on purpose. Some part of her wanting to experience this one thing that she was always told she shouldn’t do, and somehow started talking to a complete stranger and out it spilled just how utterly terrified she was of being trapped into a life she’s come to realize she's never wanted. She doesn’t go into details, but she wakes up with an inner peace and utter clarity of what she has to do under the headache and rolling stomach and the taste of something having died in her mouth, and she can’t help but know is was the best decision she ever made.)

After that she settles into this life she’s built, gets her own place off campus and learns who she is in a way most people don’t do until they’re in their thirties, and maybe she doesn’t know where she’ll end up but she knows its not Bethel and the life she’d almost fallen into.

They meet at some hole-in-the-wall restaurant that Kate goes to with friends now and again and has good enough burgers to attract someone like Richie who’s a secret foodie at heart. Seth’s at the counter waiting for his to go order and she’s been sent up to see if her group can get more napkins or something else equally mundane.

Seth’s not really the kind of guy she normally goes for, sprinkles of gray in his hair hinting at him probably being too old for her and a rough manner of speech that would have shocked her not even a year before when she was still getting used to life outside a small town. She notices him though, and that’s worth noting she thinks. When he looks over, quick and casual, before looking again less so.

Kate’s close enough to his type, even with the modest layers of clothes and apple pie sweetness, that he starts flirting before he’s really considered it. She doesn’t quite flirt back, but she doesn’t not flirt either, something smothered and peeking out at him when he manages to catch her attention more fully. She snarks at him when he gets cheeky and isn’t quite able to stop the smile from creasing her cheeks that makes him want to coax another from her. Both of them linger at the counter when their purpose for being there has long faded, not quite ready to end their little back and forth until its stretched past of the point of Too Long and Kate makes her excuses to go back to her friends. He ends up turning around in the parking lot to go back inside and ask for her number, half cursing himself for it because he doubts he’ll be in town long but part of him felt far too disappointed when she walked away to not go for it. If she’s entirely honest, Kate’s not sure if she would have given it if her friends weren’t watching the whole exchange, because she’s always been able to logic her way into making the smart, safe choice over the one she wants (one of the reasons it took quite so long to break up with Kyle) and Seth seems to have Bad Idea stamped across his forehead - see rough manner and possible too old age and hints at a crude sense of humor - and the way he leans forward with that smarmy, utterly confident grin that says he knows just how much she likes that suggestive flash of teeth and play of muscles beneath his button up... She consoles herself with the (very disappointing) thought that he probably won’t contact her anyways.

He calls her that night.

(I’m gonna stop there, because I have ideas on how Kate and Seth’s relationship would progress in something like this, and this question is entirely based on how they met, not how their relationship progresses. Plus, this is way too long already.)

#SethKate #asked and answered

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kisskissbanggang · 5 years

Text

Asking For It

[~4K Words Yuta x Female Reader -- Like 1:4 Plot:Smut -- Drinking buddies, Friends to lovers(?), Daddy kink, Facials]

[Soft Daddy!Yuta for Anon 💕]

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

You awoke to your morning alarm practically gouging a hole in your head, it seemed to be so loud. You rolled off your couch, careful as usual to step over Yuta, who usually crashed on the floor when you spent the night drinking and shooting the shit. This time, however, you stepped over nothing. You searched the floor when the sounds of cooking slowly came into focus like a station on the radio, calling you into the kitchen. Yuta, with a thousand yard stare, handed you a cup of coffee while he sipped at his like his life depended on it.

You stretched your arms overhead, straightening out your back. Yuta glanced at you, then whipped around, facing the counter to grab more coffee. He turned, offering you the coffee pot. You raised your still full cup to him. He set the pot down.

"We need to talk," he said.

"We do?"

"You never told me you talk in your sleep."

"I do?"

Yuta nodded frantically. "Normally," he said, "this would be hilarious and you'd never hear the end of it, but this is a case where I need to make sure."

You quirked an eyebrow at him, still not convinced this was a big deal. After all, your headache would only get worse or better if your sixth sense told you this was serious, and this time the level of pounding in your head stayed the same.

"You moaned my name last night in your sleep."

You guffawed. "Is that it?!"

Yuta looked deathly serious. "It was a few times. And..."

"Oh my god Yuta, just finish telling me."

"I think you called me Daddy."

You gagged on your coffee but managed to compose yourself. "So," you said nonchalantly, "I had a weird sex dream about you?" Yuta nodded. "You? A person," you continued, "that I've hung out with for years, often and regularly, and have a very dear and close friendship with?"

Yuta sighed in relief. "Yeah. I knew it was dumb," he laughed, "no more mixing sake and soju, at least not after 11."

You clinked coffee cups, glad that mess was over.

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It was a couple weeks later, after another long night of drinking. You sat up on the couch only to find no Yuta on the floor once again. You didn't have to look this time, though. Yuta was perched on the edge of the coffee table, smiling devilishly and waiting for you with a fresh beer. He pressed the bottle into your hands, waiting for you to take a swig. You downed a good gulp of beer, feeling your headache soften a little.

"Alright," you said, "what're you up to?"

"It happened again."

"What happened again?"

"The sleep-talking. The sleep-moaning. The Daddy bit. Just tell me you're madly lusting after me and get it over with." Yuta practically inhaled his own morning beer in glee. He loved giving you grief, but you weren't having it today.

"Oh my god, Yuta, it's nothing. I'm probably just horny lately and you're around. I'm sorry you were caught in the crossfire."

"You're sure?"

"I'm positive. Can we please get breakfast now?"

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You couldn't work. You couldn't concentrate. You'd been staring at the same sentence on your computer screen for five minutes now. What were the facts here? First, Yuta claimed you've moaned for him in your sleep on two occasions now. Second, Yuta claimed you called him Daddy both times. Third, Yuta is one of your best and closest friends. Fourth, Yuta is beautiful but he and everyone on the planet knows that. Fifth, you first became friends when you both realized you didn't want to settle down with steady partners yet. Did you have feelings for Yuta? Possibly, but you'd been friends for so long now that you didn't want to consider drawing whole new boundaries. Did you have a daddy kink? That was a tough one. You always secretly liked the idea, but never allowed yourself to explore it. You never even told Yuta about, it was so secret, and you told him everything. Should you take a break from hanging out with Yuta? God, no. The whole situation would shake itself out eventually, one way or another.

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You came into consciousness much earlier than usual. The apartment was still dark. You wondered what woke you when suddenly you realized how you fell asleep earlier that night. You had been resting on Yuta's shoulder while binging Netflix, but felt your head get heavy and slide onto his lap as you fell asleep. You tried to roll over but found it difficult. You inspected, careful not to wake Yuta. His hand had a gentle but firm grasp on your breast. You snaked your fingers around his, trying to subtly pry him off of you, when he suddenly clenched. You let out a gasp as you felt Yuta's other arm wrap around you to help pull you up, clutching your back to his chest. His hand still hadn't left your breast. His lips brushed against your ear, making you shiver.

"Shh, it's okay," Yuta whispered, "Daddy's here." He snickered to himself, his proximity in this moment giving you goosebumps.

You thrashed, ready to beat the hell out of Yuta for taking this too far. However, you couldn't deny the stir his whisper caused between your legs.

"You know, once can be a mistake. Twice can be a fluke. But a third time? Now I have a hard time believing you. You're already hardly as innocent as you look."

A third time? You must have done it again. You thrashed once more, this time tumbling forward and off of the couch. You landed on the floor with a thud, the room spinning a little. You glared at him. "You done?"

Yuta smiled and shook his head, getting down on the floor with you. You leaned back and away, but he followed you, crawling up between your spread knees. He hovered over you, his hands at either sides of your shoulders.

"We've been doing our best to ignore this for a long time."

"Yuta, shut up."

"You're the best friend I've ever had. You know I'm only doing this because I care and I know you can handle it."

"Yuta, I mean it."

"I know you do. And I know you only mean it because this is what you always do. You'd rather deny and bottle up everything instead of confronting anything. So stop being a pussy and confront this with me."

You grit your teeth, seriously considering kicking Yuta out. However, being caged in by Yuta on the floor in this situation felt different. It was different from those times you wrestled or played around. You actually felt sort of small here. You actually felt sort of safe here. What the hell was going on?

Yuta pet your hair, a comfort gesture he knew you liked. "Be honest with yourself, and with me. Was it an innocent sex dream you had about me just because I'm around? Or do you still find me attractive?"

You bit your lip. "I never stopped finding you attractive. Just like you never stopped. We both know that."

"Right. But don't play dumb. Are you still sexually attracted to me?"

With horror, you realized part of what felt so eerie now. You hadn't been drinking. Neither of you had. You had a couple beers over pizza at the beginning of the night, but just spent the rest of your time enjoying each other's company. You were both stone cold sober in this moment. Everything mattered more than usual. Perfect time as any to be honest, you figured.

"... Yes," you whispered. Yuta looked intently into your eyes.

"Good," he said, "same here."

You felt yourself blush. You noticed that his own cheeks were flushed as well.

"Now for the heavier subject," Yuta began, "do you have a daddy thing?"

There was a heavy silence between you. Yuta pet your hair again, but this time, he leaned down as well. He kissed your forehead. "It's okay to tell me," he whispered, "I just want to be there for you." He brought his chin down to look at you again. The air between your lips seemed tense. Tentatively, you leaned up, placing your lips on his in a cautious kiss. It'd been a while since you last tried this. You noticed how much more sincere it felt this time, years of friendship backing up the gesture. Yuta reluctantly pulled away, kissing your forehead again. "Don't try to get out of this," he said, "just be honest. Do you have a daddy thing?"

You nodded, feeling almost hollow from how heavy your lungs felt. "I think so," you breathed. You felt so exposed, but at least Yuta was here to comfort you. He finally relinquished his stance, rolling off of you to lay by your side on the floor. He pulled you close.

"There. You did great. Are you okay?"

You nodded, your mind awash. What now?

Now, you decided, you wanted to show Yuta what a can of worms this was.

Yuta was still stroking your hair. "Is there anything you want to do now? I want to make sure you're alright."

You swung a leg over his hips and pulled yourself upright, pinning him under you. "I want you to help me figure this out," you said. Yuta's eyes widened. It was his turn to try escaping. He kicked, trying to slide out from under you.

"Uh, excuse me?" He wriggled, but couldn't buck you off. You'd wrestled too often, so you knew all his tricks. You also knew that before too long, he wouldn't be able to resist any challenge. He was too competitive, even when the stakes were low or he had nothing to win. You couldn't help but notice that despite the stress showing on his face, his hands still rested on your thighs.

"What's wrong Yuta, commitment issues again? Since you fought so hard to get me to admit it," you said cooly, bucking him down when he struggled, "I'd like to explore this with someone I trust. If you're comfortable, of course."

Yuta stopped struggling, resting his head back on the floor. He looked down his nose at you, smiling playfully as he tried to fight off the awkwardness in the air. "You want me to be your daddy?" You nodded. He closed his eyes, thinking. He lightly thunked his head on the floor beneath him, clearly conflicted.

"Obvious question: what if it kills our friendship?"

"I think we've been through worse." You weren't lying. You'd been through a lot together.

"Is this a one-time thing?"

"As of right now, I intend it to be."

"Another obvious question: what if we catch feelings?"

You paused. That would kill the friendship. "Well," you said, "if that happens then we'll deal with it. We'll take the next logical step, in whatever direction that happens to be, but I don't honestly think I'll feel comfortable enough with anyone to explore this for a very long time. I mean, that shouldn't discourage you. You're smart. I want you to make the decision you're comfortable with."

Yuta lightly massaged your thighs and gently pushed you off. He got up. You held your breath, waiting for him to just leave so you can think about this. But he didn't. Yuta leaned down, pulled you to your feet, and scooped you up, throwing you over his shoulder. "Come on," he said, "Daddy would rather take you to bed."

Yuta carried you down the hall into your bedroom, tossing you onto the bed. You giggled.

"Alright. Let's figure this out. Is it a Daddy&Little thing, do you think?"

You thought about it. "No," you said, "I think I just want to feel cute and cared for a submissive for once. These guys I'm with kind of just crumble under me. I don't know what it is, I guess I just attract them."

Yuta stroked his chin. "Uh huh," he smiled, "I can work with that." He sat on the bed beside you and pulled you onto his lap so you were straddling him. He ran his hands up underneath the back of your hoodie, underneath your thin tank top underneath. He lightly massaged the skin there. It was still hard to believe this was happening. "Now," he warned, "this only works if it feels natural. You know I've experimented plenty before in the past. It won't feel good if it doesn't feel right, or so wrong it's right."

"What does that mean?"

"I mean it's a good thing you told me what kind of Daddy you want. Now don't say it until you mean it. Ready?"

You paused. This was the last chance to turn back. You nodded, knowing you've possibly been waiting for this since you met. Yuta pulled your hoodie off and threw it aside. He gently pushed you off and stood you up in front of him, facing away from him. He slid off your comfy leggings, toying with the lacy underwear you had on underneath. He placed the softest kiss to your hip, sending a shiver up your spine. Yuta spun you back around and stood up to face you. He slipped off your tank top, gently running his hands down over your breasts, back and around to your ass where he slid down your panties. He lifted your chin and pressed a sweet kiss to your forehead, the tip of your nose, and finally your lips. How long had it been since someone had been this sweet and attentive to you?

Yuta lifted you up, wrapping your bare legs around him so he could spin you both around and lay you on the bed. He lay down beside you. "Alright, babygirl, I want you to undress me," he murmured against your lips, "play nice and I'll be nice, too." You stripped him of his pullover and t-shirt, admiring his toned arms and fighting your urge to play with his nipples, one of his weaknesses that he had once confided in you. He noticed your prolonged glance and lingering hand on his chest. He was taunting you. You were such a sucker and he knew it, he knew you'd take the bait. You'd always been so curious. Before he could stop you, you leaned forward and softly kissed the raised skin, gently nipping him in the process. You already weren't expecting the full groan that escaped his lips, but you definitely weren't expecting the instant grip he had on your hair. He was so fast manhandling you that you were stunned when you were suddenly bent over the edge of the bed, your torso dangling over and your arms barely holding you up, keeping you from tumbling off. You heard Yuta unbuckle his belt and slide it out from his belt loops. As you tried to push yourself up to a more comfortable or even just stable position, Yuta pushed down on the small of your back and pinned you in place.

"I warned you about playing nice, babygirl." Yuta looped the belt in his fist, laughing to himself as he playfully cracked it against the bed. Your arms trembled as you tried to stay upright. "Since you couldn't, I'm not going to either until you give me a good apology. Now hold yourself up and hold still, and this will all be over soon. Color?"

In all of the stimulus you had to remind yourself that Yuta mentioned using a traffic light system in rougher situations. Since you had never really dealt with anyone on your level before, you'd always just checked in with your subbier dates with how they were feeling on a scale of one to ten. You checked in with yourself. Were you ready?

"Green," you croaked out, the blood rushing to your head.

Yuta cracked the belt on your bare ass, groaning himself at the sound and the cute jiggle it made on your skin.

"I'm sorry I didn't play nice," you moaned. It'd actually been a while since you'd been spanked, and certainly not by anyone who made it feel good. Yuta spanked you again, making your elbows start to give out. His hand on your lower back applied more pressure, almost threateningly. You apologized again, and he eased off. You straightened out once more, actually feeling that you wanted to be good enough for him to stop. The spanking continued, your whimpers turning into strained moans as you repeatedly apologized. You felt like you wanted to be good, like you wanted to please Yuta. Finally, the spanking was too much. You felt the welts raising on your ass, something you always wanted but couldn't get from the right person. You were finally done. "Okay, okay, please stop," you moaned.

"What did you say? It didn't sound like an apology." Yuta punctuated his question with another spank, his hardest yet.

"I said I'm sorry for not playing nice," you squeaked out, and Yuta went for it once more. "Daddy!" You were shocked it actually came out. It felt natural, it felt right. You wanted more. Yuta must've also enjoyed it, as he finally picked you up and laid you back on the bed.

"There, babygirl, was that so hard?" He placed kissed your lips, your chin, your neck. He kissed all over your chest and made sure you calmed. You clutched at him, sensation returning to your hands.

"Daddy," you whined, "I need to feel you in me."

Yuta smiled, revelling in this. He finally got to see what you looked like as more submissive, seeing as you were almost too much for him to handle in your friendship. "Alright, but I need to see if you're wet, first." His fingers trailed along your hip bone, teasing you into begging him to feel how wet you'd gotten for him. His eyes widened as his fingertips brushed against your entrance. He brought the dripping digits to your lips.

"See, baby? You see how wet you got when you let me be your Daddy?" He whispered against your ear, tracing his wet fingers against your lips. You hungrily licked at them, tasting yourself as you quietly and impatiently willed Yuta to take mercy on you and finally fuck you. However, Yuta had been waiting for this. He wanted to know he missed out on all this time. His fingers dipped back down, but this time didn't stop at your entrance. "You're playing so nice, baby. Do you know what you have to do to get this cock?" Yuta whispered, his lips now at your neck.

"What, Daddy? Please, I'll do anything."

His fingers slid all the way into your warm pussy. "You'll have to let me have some more fun first. When I'm done playing, then you can get this cock." Yuta smirked, pumping and scissoring his long fingers into you. The worst part about this close friendship you've had was that Yuta was privy to every single thing you've wished would've happened on any date you've had in the past. He knew everything you wanted by now. Yuta thrust into you, his thumb gently circling your clit just how you liked. You struggled to keep your legs spread, the pleasure was mounting so fast. You grabbed at Yuta, anywhere you could, begging him to go faster. He gripped both your wrists in his free hand, pinning them over your head. "Use your words, baby," he hissed in your ear.

"Yuta, Daddy, if you keep this up I'm going to cum so hard," you whimpered.

"Is that what you want, baby?"

"I need you to make me cum, Daddy." You were so surprised at the words coming out of your mouth. Yuta was completely unraveling you, taking care of you and leading you like you'd always wanted someone to. He listened intently to the sounds you were making, getting you closer and closer to orgasm before he'd slow down, making you whine and moan. You struggled in his grip, trying to fuck yourself on his fingers when he wouldn't stop edging you. "Daddy," you moaned loudly, "please do something, I need to cum."

Yuta looked so excited. "Alright babygirl," he said cooly, "I think you've been good enough to cum." He pulled his fingers out, causing you to thrash in his grip, needing to feel full again. Yuta used his slick fingers to stroke his cock before he spread your knees wide. He released your wrists to grab a pillow from the head of your bed. He lifted your ass, sliding the pillow underneath to lift your hips for him. You remembered him telling you about this but never got the chance to try before now. He leaned forward, catching your lips in a kiss as he gently but firmly pushed into you. You whimpered into the kiss, still feeling so stimulated that his slow pace was torture. Your warm walls throbbed around him, making him moan against you. He was an oddly satisfying fit inside you. His hard cock filled you, curving up ever so slightly to just reach and brush against your spot at this angle. You both shivered, taken out of the moment temporarily as it occurred to both of you just what was happening. You pulled him close, pressing another kiss to his lips, but this one was noticeably less lusting. It was a quick moment in the middle of this chaos, something you both took notice of. He sat back up on his heels and you let him, savoring the stretch it caused when he sat up and angled away from you. His first thrust was agonizingly slow, and this thumb found your clit once more. You definitely wouldn't last long if he kept this up.

He did just that. Yuta groaned at the feel of you, pumping into you steadily, his thumb keeping a swift pace at your clit as you whined and whimpered beneath him. When you got too grabby with him, Yuta found his belt again and wrapped your wrists together, laughing as he bound them to your neck. Soon, you were babbling, moaning, "Daddy, more," and, "Daddy, faster," and he would toy with you, occasionally listening and occasionally not. Finally, you couldn't take it anymore. You were going to cum no matter what he did. Your thighs tightened around his hips, and he could feel your walls trembling tighter around him.

"Come on babygirl, you're doing so well, cum on Daddy's cock." His moaned command sent you right into your climax, tears brimming in your eyes from the force of your orgasm. You saw stars, nearly screaming as your warm walls pulsed around him. Yuta grabbed you by your bound wrists, pulling you up for another kiss as he twisted you both around. He adjusted to sit comfortably on the edge of the bed, your trembling legs and pussy still wrapped around him. You slumped your head forward onto his shoulder, turning your chin to press a kiss to his neck. "Thank you," you breathed. Yuta's hand was in your hair, stroking you softly before playfully grabbing a handful. "'Thank you?' I'm not done yet, baby. Color?" Yuta smirked and lightly bit into your shoulder as he thrust up into you, making you nearly scream from your overstimulation. You barely murmured out, "Green," when he thrust up into you, bouncing you on his cock as he nuzzled your cheek, your neck, your breasts. Everything was too much for you, but you still knew you'd kill to have this again. You loved this feeling, loved feeling like Yuta could have all of you whenever he wanted. Yuta's hands gripped you roughly, the sweat on his forehead and the flush in his cheeks and chest telling you his orgasm was fast approaching. "Baby," Yuta moaned against your neck, "be a good girl and let Daddy cum on you." Your pussy twinged at his words, threatening to cum again if it weren't so exhausted. Yuta slipped you off of his cock and gently set you on your knees in front of him. He gently stroked your hair, praising his good girl as he pumped into your hot mouth a few times to get him there. He pulled out, quickly jerking his cock and groaning loudly as he shot, thick ropes of cum landing in your mouth, spurting on your face and neck. You both sat back, exhausted and pleased for a moment. You felt dazed, a million miles away. Yuta ran to fetch a damp towel from the bathroom and a couple beers from the kitchen before returning. He unbuckled your improvised restraints, kissing the red marks they left on your wrists and neck before he gently cleaned his cum off of you. He checked the welts on your ass and thighs before pulling you up into his arms, pulling you into bed with him, your nose buried in the crook of his neck. "Are you alright?" He asked, his lips brushing your forehead.

You nodded, "More than alright."

"So, you'll help me sort out my own kinks I haven't tried, right?"

You kicked him, making the both of you give an exhausted laugh, "If you open my beer first, I'll consider it.”

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#cznnet #neowritingsnet #nct smut #oh my god i didn't mean for this to be so long whoops #but this request awoke something in me #nct imagines #nct fanfiction #nakamoto yuta #nct yuta #na yuta

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heartsofstrangers · 4 years

Photo

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“Probably drug addiction.”

Tell me about that.

“Since I was fourteen years old, the first time I ever tried it, I’ve been intermittently addicted to crystal meth. The past four years, it’s been pretty consecutive other than the four months that I spent in jail two years ago. I guess that’s the gist of it.”

When did you start using it?

“I was about fourteen years old. I used to do it every other weekend with a group of shitty friends that I had made.”

What was going on in your life at that time?

“I had just lost my best friend, who was like my brother; we grew up together. He died from complications due to diabetes. I saw that they were using it and I had taken Adderall before. I thought it was like Adderall, except you could snort it or smoke it, and I thought that’s always fun. I recognized that they were carefree on it, and I wanted to be like that, so I did it.”

What was it like the first time you got high?

“It was sketchy and I was on edge. I don’t know if you’ve done any sort of upper, but it’s intense. It actually made me feel disgusting for a while. I felt really gross the entire time and then coming down was awful, but something inside me wanted to do it again, so I did. It disconnected me from the world. All that really mattered was scribbling on a piece of paper for hours on end. I guess it was really getting lost in reality.”

How did your life unfold—were you in school at that time?

“It kind of caused me to ‘fail out’ of high school; I didn’t drop out, but failed out pretty bad. I had to retake my sophomore year on the computer and graduated at the bottom of my class because of it, or the choices I made while on it. I don’t really know if I was in control or not then.”

You talked about jail—how did you end up there?

“I got arrested leaving a drug deal in June 2015 and then, after my parents bailed me out, I stopped going to court for the probation sentence and a year and a half later, they picked me up at my older brother’s apartment at 11:00 p.m. Six bounty hunters apprehended me and then I spent the next four months in Montgomery County. I was there for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s, and almost my birthday, all behind bars.”

What was that like?

“Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. It was pretty shitty and I was very confined. I was in a sixteen-man room for the most part. It was me and fifteen other people, all in a big-ass room full of bunk beds, having to stare at each other all day.”

Where did that lead you to mentally? Did you process anything in your mind about where you had been, where you wanted to go, where you were?

“I just wanted out. It kind of made me feel like an animal. In Texas, I don’t know what it’s like anywhere else, but you become state property when you’re incarcerated; you lose all your rights. Basically, you’re a body with a name. You’re not a human in there. It’s weird.”

How long ago was that?

“It was January 2017.”

Where did you end up when you were released?

“Back to my older brother’s, and he does dope too. I went right back to where I started, or stopped at midway.”

So, you were sober and clean in jail?

“Yes, while I was there.”

Did you go through withdrawal?

“I slept for the first four days. I didn’t eat or use the restroom; I just slept.”

So, you get out, move back in with your brother, and get right back into it?

“The night that I got out, I used.”

What’s your relationship like with your family, aside from your brother?

“I don’t talk to them, only whenever they speak to me and, even then, it’s usually just my mom, and it’s like once every two weeks, sometimes twice.”

What are those conversations like?

“I love you, I miss you. I love you too, I miss you too.”

Do they live locally?

“They live about two hours away.”

Do they kind of push you away due to your addiction?

“I alienated myself because I knew I’m not anyone a parent could be proud of—that’s how I feel. Because of my problem, and I don’t want them to see me like this and I won’t let them. So, I pushed myself away from them.”

Have you done that with close friends as well?

“I’ve done it with everyone.”

So, who are you associating with, dealers and other users?

“Yeah. I dated this dude for almost a year and he basically isolated himself away from me recently because of it. That really fucked me up a little bit because I feel like I put so much into it, but really it was just me high as hell, overthinking everything, all the time, slowly dissipating into nothing.”

It’s got to be a pretty lonely feeling to be that isolated.

“Yeah, but you’re never really alone when you’re a drug addict.”

Because you’re connecting with your substance.

“I’m perfectly fine with being alone, but I’m not okay with how lonely I am most times.”

Are you scared at all to continue down this path?

“Yeah, because I don’t know where my life’s going. So, I just get high and it’s like ‘where are you going now?’ to go get high.”

How can you afford to get high?

“My best friend sells it. My only friend just happens to be a drug dealer.”

Are you performing any sort of acts or anything in exchange?

“No, no, no; we’re just really good friends and misery loves company. He’s basically in the same spot I’m in.”

What are some of the things you’ve lost along the way through these years of addiction?

“Honestly, I lost my sanity, a lot of good friends, and a close tie with my family. I lost my car. I lost my license. Somehow I lost my social security card, but I don’t think that had anything to do with drugs. I lost my apartment, but that was at the beginning so that’s not a big deal.”

Where are you living now?

“I live with my friend, Pat, who is also a drug addict, but he’s a more functioning one, I should say. He’s held a job for four years and his addiction is kind of new and, ironically enough, I’m the first one he ever tried it with, which is kind of funny or fucked up.”

Have you ever been in any situations where you felt like your life was being threatened?

“No, not really. Not that I can think of, but I don’t know . . . no.”

How’s your judgment when you’re high?

“You can rationalize just about anything. For the most part, I would say it’s pretty good. There are dumb people who get addicted to drugs and there are people who are addicted to drugs who already have a good grip on reality and are able to make the right decisions or rational ones at least, but I’ve done some pretty stupid stuff.”

What are some of the stupid things that you’ve done?

“Not put the filter on a vacuum cleaner and small things like that. I’ve never done anything really stupid like rob anyone. I did, however, one time throw a brick through a window. I was super pissed off at the person who lived at the apartment and, in a fit of rage due to addiction or substance use, I picked up what was closest to me, which happed to be a chipped piece of concrete by the curb and chucked it threw the window. I don’t know how’s that going to fix it, but it made me feel better. It was really stupid.”

Prior to losing your friend, had you experienced any sort of obstacles early on in your life that taught you some coping skills to deal with grief, pain, or challenging experiences?

“To isolate; that’s all I’ve ever really known. Get over it and, if you can’t, shut up about it. That’s what I was basically taught.”

Do you want to stop?

“Yes and no. Crystal meth is the only thing that’s kept a roof over my head while, at the same time, it’s kept me on the edge of losing that. It’s the only thing that sort of keeps me connected with the real world because I have friends and acquaintances who use and who keep me from going insane living alone. At the same time, those people come and go. Those people aren’t necessarily friends you want to keep around; they’re people who are just going to bring you down because they’re going to keep you high. I’m aware of that but, at the same time, I can’t stop. So, yes and no. I was sober for about a month and moved to New Mexico with my ex. That didn’t turn out well, obviously. He flew me back here on a last-minute, overnight flight and I started using again.”

How old are you now?

“Twenty-four.”

So, you’ve been using for ten years?

“Just about.”

Any issues with your health?

“No, not that I know of. I probably have shaky hands, but so does everybody.”

Do you sleep?

“Yeah, every night, which is kind of an achievement really if you’re a crackhead like me. I’ve kind of plateaued. I’ve reached a level of tolerance that makes me have a normal sleeping schedule, which is something you really don’t want to be but, at the same time, I’m glad I’m there because now I’m normal-ish. I don’t look cracked out.”

What’s your biggest fear?

“Dying—not from drug use, though I guess that would suck too, but just dying in general, because I don’t know what’s going to happen after that. Maybe my biggest fear is actually not knowing and being unaware.”

In contrast, do you feel like you’re living?

“I feel like I’ve been dead since I was about twelve, but I don’t think that had anything to do with drugs, but the realization of how fucked up the world really is. I think I’m living in a way—I get to do shit that not everybody gets to do, like not have to work, I’m able to explore the city, and that’s what I do every day. I go to different parts of the city and sketch around, but I’m probably not really living, not in a way that’s (I guess) savory.”

Did you grow up here?

“No. I grew up two hours northeast, in a little town, Cold Springs, with about 900 people, and that’s consolidated because it’s a bunch of small towns put together.”

What brought you to Houston?

“Drugs. I bounced from circle of users to circle of users to circle of users until I ended up in Kingwood. Kingwood is right on the outskirts of Houston. I just migrated over here, made friends wherever I could, and now I’m here.”

When you agreed to do the interview, did you have any idea that you’d be talking about this?

“No, not at all. I honestly had no idea what it would be about. I was just like ‘an interview, okay, that’s fine.’ I thought maybe it was going to be ‘how do you feel about Houston’ or some sort of typical bullshit interview, but I didn’t think it would make me open my eyes to shit I’ve been closing them to or haven’t said out loud in a while. I’ve said this stuff before, ‘I don’t want to do this.’”

How does it feel to hear yourself expressing these things?

“It kind of pisses me off.”

In what way? You’re pissed at yourself?

“Yeah, because I know I’m just going to go get high afterwards.”

Are you high now?

“No. I used, but I’m not high. I guess that’s high; I don’t really know. The last time I used was about six hours ago. I get high and then there’s other days where I just get by and, today, is a just a get by day because I didn’t do too much of it.”

What happens if you don’t use?

“I sleep and I’m dead to the world basically, which is probably what I am now, but in a different way because I’m asleep. I’ve slept for thirty-six hours straight before and my friends have asked if I had a bladder infection, and I said that I was good, just tired. When I woke up, I had muscular atrophy, where I couldn’t really feel much, and then I’d just waddle around until I found food, and then I was good.”

Would you say you’re depressed?

“Probably clinically. I used to take Pristiq, but it didn’t mix well with my meth use, so I cold turkey stopped taking it after about six months. It’s a serotonin replacement or something, but I thought it was kind of bullshit. I’ve been told before by friends that I’ve been manic; they would say ‘wow, you’re pretty manic’ and I’d say ‘yeah, I know.’”

Do you think you were like that before the drugs or has that manifested since?

“Half and half. I’ve always been kind of bipolar-ish, but this has really intensified it or brought it to a meniscus versus overflowing. If it was overflowed, I’d probably be in prison, but it’s definitely got to that point.”

What keeps you in that elevated state?

“Being aware that I’d probably go to prison, so to stay at a constant ‘that’s okay.’ It’s not necessarily the way anybody would want to live.”

What were you like as a child?

“I didn’t take ‘no’ as an answer. I wasn’t a spoiled brat or handed everything I wanted, but I didn’t have to ask for much. I never really had to go without anything. My parents weren’t wealthy, but they were comfortable, and have been that way as long as I can remember. For the most part, I’d say I was a pretty happy kid.”

How did you meet your friend who died?

“We were neighbors. He was like my brother. I don’t have close ties or close relationships with anybody like I did with him. He was the first person I could ever really say was my best friend. When you’re a kid, grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents’ and grandparents’ friends die, and you say ‘oh, that’s sad.’ But, when your fourteen-year-old best friend dies, basically out of the blue, he just wakes up one morning and then he’s dead . . . That shit really happens, people die, people who you know die, people you’re close with die, and it’s hard. It sucks pretty bad, especially when you’re that young and you don’t really know how to take it in. You know how you’re supposed to take it in, you know how people do it, and you see it in movies, but there’s something inside of you that dies too, and you can’t wake it up. Josh was my best friend and was like a brother to me. We did just about everything together.”

What would you say to him if he was here now?

“That I’m sorry. I would tell him that I’m sorry because, at this point, I would have probably alienated myself from him too. I guess given if he had left and came back. Yeah, I would tell him that I was sorry because I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted to see me like this.”

What do you think he would say to you?

“I don’t know. He’d probably call me an idiot, but I’m not sure.”

If you could go back to your twelve- or fourteen-year-old self in that time in your life, as the adult you are now, what would you say to that child?

“Don’t do it. You’re going to fuck up. Don’t do it, but that twelve- or fourteen-year-old probably wouldn’t listen anyway. He’d probably think that I was stupid because ‘no’ is not an answer and ‘don’t’ is not a reason.”

What were you passionate about at that age?

“I really liked art and liked to draw. I haven’t actually picked up a pen or pencil and drawn anything since I was about seventeen. My senior year of high school was a pretty heavy usage year. I was focused on doing that versus something that made me happy.”

How does it feel when you’re drawing or creating something?

“It’s instant gratification, kind of like vacuuming is to me now. I did it, it’s there, that’s something I did, it’s something I completed on my own, other people get to see it, I get to see it, know that it’s done, know that I did it, and I like it. It’s a successful feeling, but I haven’t felt that in a minute.”

Did you have any other outlets that you felt a connection to?

“I listened to music a lot. Even now, I listen to music all the time. I never played any instruments and I’m not really talented in any other way, but I like music.”

Do you write at all?

“No, not at all. I don’t even remember the last time I wrote something down. My handwriting probably looks like someone trying to write with their left hand. I’m not used to a pencil or pen; it’s unfamiliar.”

What’s the first thing you do in the morning when you wake up?

“I drink coffee sometimes; that or Coke, which is terrible for you. I eat, smoke a cigarette, and then smoke dope (I guess use).”

Have you ever felt hopeless and suicidal?

“Yes, at least twice a week. I feel like I’ve reached a point where there’s no way of turning around. I’m twenty-four years old and I already hold a drug possession felony. No one’s going to want to hire me, so I haven’t tried to look anymore. I have basically no friends, especially if I were to stop. My family and I aren’t really close and they don’t want to help me anyway. I feel like there’s not a good enough reason to want to keep living but, at the same time, I’m kind of too much of a pussy to kill myself.”

So, you’re just kind of slowly and passively doing it through using drugs every day and not taking care of yourself.

“Pretty much.”

Is this what you thought you’d be doing tonight?

“No. I knew I was going to be doing an interview, but didn’t think it would be such a reflective one.”

If there was someone else out there listening to this or reading this who could relate to where you are in your life and where you’ve been, and possibly feeling hopeless or numb, or even just alone, what message would you want them to hear and know?

“That they’re not alone. There are other people just as fucked up as you are. I have a really bad mouth, it’s probably just another side effect of drug use. They’re not the only ones who feel nothing or like they are that.”

Is there any part of you that sees a different future for yourself other than your situation right now?

“Yeah, but it’s all sort of hazy. If I were to try to picture it, I couldn’t put the pieces together. It’s more like an audio clip. I can hear myself ‘all right, you’re sober, you’re good, life’s okay,’ but I can’t actually see it. It’s like there’s someone with my voice telling me that, but I don’t see it with my own eyes or inside my own head. I can’t picture it and to me that just tells me it’s not a thing. If you can see it, you can achieve it, and I can’t see it.”

Is it possible that that’s faith? Do you have faith?

“I have something; I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if I’m pessimistic or I’m realistic, but I don’t think I have faith in myself; that’s what it is.”

Why?

“Why should I? Maybe I just doubt myself more than I have faith in myself.”

All the various skills you’ve developed to sustain what you’re doing today could be used in the opposite direction to sustain you in a way that you might thrive.

“I’ve managed to be able to live without any sort of resources other than the kindness of strangers for the past three years, so that’s good; that makes me something.”

That’s strength.

“I’m probably evil. I don’t think I’m a bad person for it—surviving strictly on the kindness of others. It sounds terrible when you say it like that. I’m just getting by how I can.”

What would give you hope?

“Probably better resources. If I knew there would be something to catch me whenever I fell off this horrible plane ride of whatever it is I’m going through now. If there was a safety net that would give me hope. Now knowing that I would hit rock bottom and fall to my death if I were to stop, I won’t stop because of that. If there was something to catch me, and if I knew it would be okay and there was a better support system other than the people who are constantly throwing dope in my pipe, then I probably would stop.”

It’s hard to see that in any situation. I can only speak for myself, but for me, I could never see what was going to catch me either, whether I continued to perpetuate self-destruction and didn’t want to not feel pain anymore, but didn’t know how to end it without inflicting more pain on myself, or to follow my heart and intuition and move in the other direction. My life started to change when I listened to my heart and moved in the other direction, but it was just as scary because I couldn’t see how I was going to have the resources I needed and somehow (and I’m not a believer in your traditional God or any type of religion) miraculously I had what I needed when I needed it. It didn’t ever come in the way I expected it to, and yet it was there, some sort of ground beneath my feet, and that gave me faith and restored my faith that if I had enough courage to continue to be vulnerable, enough to step out of my old behaviors, to step out of the routine, and step out of the comfort, even if it is perpetuating discomfort—somehow it’s familiar so it’s comfortable—if I had the vulnerability and courage to do that, something would catch me. I remember early on looking for people who were going to save me or thinking that all these various opportunities that presented themselves were going to be the quick fix that would save me. What I continued to learn, and to repeat over and over again through making that mistake of thinking someone else was going to save me, is that I had the power to save myself all the while. All the resources I needed were within me. I had to think them into reality: thought, action, reality. Yet somehow, we train ourselves to think it’s going to come the opposite way, that it comes from the outside in, but that wasn’t my experience. I don’t know if that makes any sense to you.

“It does.”

I can relate to that feeling of being stuck. You know you want to get off that ride, but you don’t know if there will be anything to catch you if you’re to get off. So, you stay stuck.

“I made up this fun little terminology of being plateaued. You’ve reached a level where there’s nothing much around other than the great distance between you and the ground and it’s not high enough to put you up in the clouds where you need to be. So, you’re there, drifting above the surface of rock bottom and normalcy.”

It’s like being in limbo.

“Yeah, or purgatory. I live in purgatory. Actually, it might be hell. I live in gray, very gray, not a whole lot of color there.”

Are there moments where you see or feel color in your life?

“There’s a lot of blue and, when it’s not blue, it’s red but, for the most part, it’s gray. I don’t really feel much but, whenever I do, it’s usually just sadness. I get so sad and I feel like I can’t do much about it, so again, I get angry, then I get so mad that I cry and that makes me even more sad, and then I’m mad that I’m crying, so it’s purple or gray. It’s not really a colorful journey—this life. It’s like an old-school comic book, it’s all grayscale with a little blue and a little red.”

What do you know about the process of grieving?

“I don’t. I know that it sucks. I don’t know how to get over it. You can either sweep it under the rug or you can actually deal with it, and I’ve just been sweeping it under the rug. Anything that I’ve ever lost, I’ve been ‘all right, shut that down, shut that down’ and only ever pick up where I left off, which is having it suck basically, whenever someone lifts that rug up for me ‘thanks.’ So, I guess I don’t know much about the process of grieving.”

I’m not particularly sure about the order, but there are five stages of grief. I think you’ve mentioned a few of them, like the deep sadness, the anger, and there’s a stage of blame, transferring that uncomfortable feeling onto someone else, making them responsible for your suffering. There’s also acceptance, which I think is a hard one to come to; we avoid a lot by repressing. As long as we can keep it stuffed down, we don’t have to look at it or accept that it happened. Until we do that, we’re not truly moving on, whether it’s grief or trauma. I had a woman tell me in an interview, and it’s very profound, she said when she started to heal the trauma, the addictions started to go away, and that really stuck with me. I believe that we continue to connect with whatever our substance is, whether it’s our phones, drugs, alcohol, money, or sex, to avoid looking at the wound, but the only way to heal a wound is to treat it with compassion and kindness.

“Not a big band aid?”

No. I know in our culture and in our families, we’re taught to discharge pain, to move away from it, and stuff it down.

“The sun gives you a sunburn, stay away from it kind of thing.”

Yes, but growth, transformation, awareness, wisdom, empathy, joy, and love are all qualities that are developed through leaning into pain and discomfort, not from running away from it. Everything that we long for—that sense of real meaningful connection, fulfillment, sustenance in our life, and purpose—is on the other side of that pain, and there’s no way to skip over it or go around it.

“You got to go through it and deal with it.”

Yeah. It’s shitty. I don’t know what’s worse, spending your lifetime running away from it or feeling shitty for a period of time, then having some relief, and maybe recognizing that you’re resilient, you do have potential, and there is more to life than this grayscale and constant fear of when is the bottom going to drop out.

“I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom a couple of times, like literally scraping my teeth on its surface is where I’ll probably want to stop but, at the same time, I’ve probably hit that part too. It seems like chilling at the mantle.”

Do you have a favorite song lyric, mantra, or something that someone has said to you, maybe even your friend or your parents, that has stuck with you that you’d like to share?

“There are lyrics to a song that says ‘if you talk me out of my needs and stitch me up at the seams then I can live in my dreams’.”

What’s that mean to you?

“It’s kind of sad, if you think about it. If I didn’t have to do the things I have to do, then I’d be happy. If I didn’t have to wake up and get high, I’d probably be okay or if I didn’t require x amount of blah, blah, blah then I’d be cool, things would be okay, and life would be a dream. But, that’s not how it is and I’m living a nightmare. Yeah, talk me out of my needs and stitch me up at the seams, I can live in my dreams.”

Do you think it’s possible to heal?

“Yeah. You just got to rip off that band aid I was telling you about. I don’t know. I feel like, metaphorically, my band aid is waterproof and I don’t want to pull it off because it really hurts, and I don’t want to deal with it, so I slowly pick at it, but eventually I just stick it back on. Yeah, it’s possible to heal; tons of people do it, right?”

Yes. It’s a matter of surrendering. It’s like showing up and saying ‘I don’t know how this is going to turn out.’

“But doing it anyway.”

Yeah. That’s courage, right?

“Yeah. I don’t think I have much of that. Like I said earlier, the fear of the unknown, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it, so I don’t try it.”

What’s worse? It seems like you have more to lose by continuing and knowing that the rest of your life may look like it does right now or there’s a risk that you may feel some discomfort for a while, but there’s a chance that things could get better.

“I don’t know. I should probably stop using, because it’s not helping me. I wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s hurting me either, but that’s probably the drugs talking.”

Who would be the first person you would call, if you were to make that choice?

“I’d probably call my mom. Yeah, that’s probably who I’d call. I’d probably tell her to come get me. I’ve done it before. I’ve told her ‘I need you to come get me. I need you to fuckin’ stop what you’re doing and come get me’ and she has; she would do it in a heartbeat. The last time I called her and said that was about three years ago. I’m not too sure how or if she would be okay with it or how she would go about it, but I’d call her. I need to call her actually.

“Not only for that, but I miss my family a little bit, a lot. I haven’t seen them. I spent that one Christmas in jail, but the two after that—I didn’t go, the one before that—I didn’t go. I haven’t been home in so long. I haven’t actually seen my mom in a year—that sucks. For a long time, she was my best friend. She was always a shoulder and an ear. It’s been a while, a long time.”

I hope you do make that phone call.

“We Snapchat sometimes, which is kind of weird. We’re actually Snapchat friends, but I haven’t snapchatted her in about six months. I sent her a text about two weeks ago, and that’s about it. I haven’t heard her voice in a long time. I can still remember what she sounds like, which is kind of surprising. Usually whenever I cut things off like that, I completely disconnect from it. I don’t know what they look like. I don’t know what they feel like. I remember her and her voice; it’s weird.”

Do you think she would answer the phone now if you called?

“She’s probably asleep right now, but yeah she might answer. If not, she would text me ‘what?’, but I think she would answer.”

I hope you make that call after this interview. How has it felt to talk about these thoughts, feelings, and experiences with me tonight?

“Surprisingly, not bad. Like I said, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. At the beginning, I thought it was probably going to be annoying, but I didn’t find it that annoying because there was a level of comfort versus judgment. I didn’t feel very judged at all.”

It’s a beautiful thing, you being vulnerable.

“Is that what this is?”

Yeah, and you being met with empathy. It kind of kills shame, which I think feeds addiction.

“Probably, yeah, needing to hide something.”

It’s a heavy weight.

“It will suffocate you. That’s always good.”

It’s lethal; it really is. Do you think it’s possible by sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences so courageously tonight, as you are, that someone on the receiving end gains some hope, inspiration, or at least a sense that they’re not alone?

“I would hope so, because this wasn’t that easy to do. Yeah, I think they probably could if they aren’t stubborn assholes like me, and listen all the way through. Because if I were handed this to listen to, read, or watch, I’d probably stop paying attention halfway through; depending on my state of mind I might say ‘I don’t want to hear that.’ If I actually listened to it or if someone like me listened to it from A to B, they’d probably like it; they’d probably get it.”

Yeah. Thank you.

“Thank you. You’re welcome.”

I’m really proud of you. This was a really courageous thing to do and you skipped right into it.

“I ripped the band aid off that time.”

You did. I hope you’ll continue to do that.

“There’s a bunch of open blisters and sores here—this sounds so weird.”

Thanks.

#crystalmeth #addiction #recovery #grief #healing #vulnerability #courage #mentalhealth #heartsofstrangers #houston

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thecloserkin · 5 years

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fic rec: Are You Mine? and I Want Some More by PoetHrotsvitha

fandom: Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate

pairing: Evie Frye/Jacob Frye

word count: 54k and 50k respectively (one is a direct sequel to the other)

Is it canon: yes

Is it explicit: this is the most explicit material i have thus far reviewed on this blog

Is it endgame: yesssss

Is it shippable: yes

One thing you guys should know about me is I don’t read a great deal of smut. I don’t actively avoid it either, and I for sure consume more smut in the context of fanfic than in professional published fiction because I feel the following quote in my bones: “It wasn’t that friendship needed to be sexualized, it was that erotica needed to be … friendship-ized.” So when I stumbled on this fic that is 80% smut stretched over the thinnest pretext of plot, based on source material I have zero familiarity with, what did I do but fall headlong for this pairing and this story. Bless you, anon who brought Fryecest to my attention, and praise the Lord for modern AUs where knowledge of canon is not mandatory.

Jacob and Evie Frye are twins born into an Assassin family and raised by their exacting taskmaster of a father to take down the Templars. There’s no Templars or Assassins in this modern AU of course, just Evie’s looming A-Levels and their absent academic of a father. Evie’s still the golden child, of course—she’ll follow in their father’s footsteps and get her Ph.D. Jacob is the problem child. He’s already fallen in with the Wrong Crowd, he’s impulsive, he drinks and gambles and mostly solves problems with his fists. His relationship with their dad is hella strained. And because this is supposed to be PWP the author wastes no time in ratcheting the sexual tension up to 11 by having Jacob pick Evie up from her posh school on his MOTORCYCLE, each of them pretending not to be so turned on they could have combusted from desire by the end of the ride. Cool cool cool.

Their relationship begins barreling in a dom/sub direction almost from the word go. Evie is one thousand percent the take-charge, Type-A personality, so the idea is that she needs to relinquish that control in the bedroom, and Jacob is the only one she trusts to dominate her. Because they’re twins and they balance each other out adfkdfkdfjdkfd. The scene in the beginning where Jacob tells her not to button up her blouse while she’s making breakfast, and she actually listens to him instead of ignoring or insulting him, holy shit that was hot. It starts so small but eventually he’s got her wearing a wireless vibrator to class and begging for her “punishment” when she takes it out without his permission because it was too distracting.

I imagine this is what the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon was about. I haven’t read 50 Shades of Grey myself, but I’ve interacted with people who rave about it and clearly got something out of those books, bad as they were. I’m not trying to compare the quality of this story to 50 Shades of Grey—it’s lightyears superior to that dreck—just that when I finished this fic I had the dazed realization that this was why people read smut.

There’s a throwaway line in Jacob’s internal monologue where he muses “they seem to be going about this backwards,” because he’s buying flowers for her the day after fingering her to a screaming orgasm, and yes I am 100% here for this trope. Ffs he sits with her in the library to keep her company while she studies! He waits for her/escorts her to her one hundred and one extracurricular activities! He’s a really immature 17-year-old and he’d never dream of doing this for anyone else, but when it comes to Evie he becomes suddenly sweet and thoughtful and solicitous. He’s constantly pausing in the middle of sex to ask for her enthusiastic & affirmative consent and reminding her to use the safe word. At the same time he’s madly jealous when anyone else shows a flicker of interest in her and he regularly makes her admit he “owns” her during their role-play. They are each other’s firsts which for some reason is really important to me in these kinds of they’re-teenagers-exploring-their-sexuality setups. This is Evie hitting up the lingerie boutique in preparation for their FIRST WEEKEND GETAWAY:

“I’m going away for the weekend with my-” Evie almost stumbled on the word, “-boyfriend.” What a strange concept.

I AM TRASH FOR THIS INCEST TROPE i love the way she stumbles over that word. Bc that’s not the box that Jacob occupies for her, is it? He’s much more than that. I love the way she alternates between begging him to put it in her cunt and calling him a prat and a shitheel; just because he’s the love of her life doesn’t make him stop being her insufferable little brother. You know what else I’m trash for? ALL the sneaking around tropes. One time while sexting with him in a storage closet at school she’s busted by one of the teachers and only barely has time to lock her phone before he confiscates it.

So the first fic ends with their dad finding the sexts and nudes on Evie’s phone, disowning them both, and Evie choosing to go to University of Edinburgh because their dad knows too many people at Oxbridge. The twins get a flat together and it’s happily ever after. Except no! In the sequel it’s ten years later and Evie and Jacob have returned to the house they grew up in to say goodbye to their dying father, and they’re ESTRANGED OH NO WHAT HAPPENED. Evie has a four-year-old in tow. We find out in fairly short order that the kid is Jacob’s, but Jacob doesn’t find out the truth until we’ve sent him through the angst wringer. The fic is about how they grieve and reconcile and how Jacob learns to parent, and this one is actually like 60% plot and I think I like it even better than the first one. This author’s note really spoke to me:

I’ve read a fair number of sibling incest modern AU fics in a few different fandoms and they all tend to end at “and then they ran away from their families and lived happily ever after/epilogue of sexy fun times possibly with the introduction of hey they've had a kid!”. And I mean I love that, don't get me wrong. But I guess I’m also weirdly preoccupied with the part about what comes after that, because it always seemed far too dreadfully simple an outcome. Normal relationships are rarely that easy, so why would these be? Then again I'm probably putting too much thought into a porn fic, LOL.

DEAR @poethrotsvitha, THIS IS A SIGNED PETITION TO PLEASE NEVER STOP OVERTHINKING THE PLOT OF YOUR PORN FICS. Like, nobody starts fucking their brother unless they really mean it, because the risk of the relationship going pear-shaped and the two of you still being stuck in each other’s orbit because there’s no “breaking up” with family? That’s a big risk. And also why incest pairings feel so high-stakes and I am trash for them, obvs. One of the reasons the dom/sub dynamic is so integral to their relationship was because Evie had a tendency to dictate to Jacob what he “can and can’t do,” and he understandably chafed against it sometimes. It’s what led to their breakup five years ago. And so him taking charge in the bedroom is a kind of counterbalance, and there’s a scene in this fic where she lets him role-play a noncon situation as a way to partly soothe his jealousy.

To a large extent it’s their son who brings about their reconciliation, but their son is also a hyperactive little git who throws a monkey wrench in their sex life, so now instead of hiding their relationship from their dad they’re tiptoeing around a four-year-old. And the big character development that happens on Jacob’s part is him recognizing that Thomas is Evie’s #1 priority now, and there comes a moment where he has to make a difficult decision to prioritize the two of them in his own life, too (by quitting his job and ending a toxic relationship). The other thing I really liked was how Jacob thinks ruefully he could have gone a another round if he were ten years younger, which he’s not, but Evie seems satisfied and that’s what matters. The recognition that he’s not a teenager anymore, and doesn’t have the stamina of one, but he’s also more mature and this time he’ll be able to give Evie what she needs? Oh, my heart. Like I said I loved them being each other’s firsts as teenagers but this, this second chance they’ve got as adults, this is beautiful.

Ok so this is Evie begging Jacob to fuck her in a closet in the middle of their dad’s funeral service??!:

“Please, I just need to forget. Just for a little bit- I need to forget, please-” Oh, God, this was a terrible idea. A terrible idea that she would die before she stopped- she felt like an addict after years of sobriety, pushed by stress and grief to needing that all-consuming high that she'd never quite been able to forget. Her fingers worked at his belt, pulling it open, unbuttoning his trousers to draw the heel of her palm along where he was already hard. “Evie,” he rasped, shuddering against her touch. “Shh,” she said, tucking his pants down enough to pull his cock free, giving it a few firm strokes. “Shh.” If they talked, it would be too real. It had to be rushed and frantic, to feel like it was just the once, to ease the ache in her chest.

And this is after they finish (“if only it could have lasted forever”):

Silently, she turned to let him zip up her dress … There was a warmth against the back of her neck as she felt him draw her hair aside and press a kiss to the sensitive skin, hesitant and uncertain. "Thank you," she breathed into the darkness, listening to the click of his belt as it slid back into place. He just sighed, leaning his forehead against her shoulder, saying a million things without speaking a word.

LEANING HIS FOREHEAD FOR A MILLISECOND AGAINST HER SHOULDER OMFG I AM DECEASED

Ok so to return an earlier point: When you want a canon incest happy ending in a modern setting (as opposed to if you’re both Targaryens) the most popular option is run away and live as an unrelated couple, which necessitates cutting ties with everyone you’ve ever known. This may be more or less difficult depending on the quantity and quality of those ties; unless this is Flowers in the Attic and you’ve literally been locked in the attic for years there’s bound to be people you care about other than your sibling so this is a monumental ask. The Fryes choose option B, “living openly as siblings and keeping the incest on the dl”. This option is not without risk, of course, since exposure is always a possibility, and Evie has to put up with the other moms at Thomas’s preschool eyeing Jacob like a piece of meat. Still, it means Thomas gets to bake cookies with his grandmother, who would not have let Evie and Jacob back in her life if they flaunted the truth. I mean, it’s not that she doesn’t know her kids are fucking, it’s just that a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy allows everyone’s relationships to remain intact:

She seemed to be struggling to get the words out. “Is Thomas…” There were a few ways that this question could go, as far as Jacob could see, and he didn’t particularly want to deal with any of them. He leaned against the counter, palms rigid against the cold surface. “I’m really tired, Mother.” “I know. I just…” There was a terrible pause. “Are— are you and Evie…” Still facing the toaster, Jacob closed his eyes. He couldn’t muster a lot of fake outrage, but he planned to deny everything anyway. He didn’t care about how plausible it was. It was easier for everyone that way, especially Mother. Before he could open his mouth, though, Mother’s chair scraped back. “Actually, never mind. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

Every Wednesday Evie (who’s moved back in with her mom) leaves Thomas with his grandma and goes to “book club” which is really date night at Jacob’s. And the two of them get right up to their old tricks:

When he gave her just the slightest nudge upwards with his hips, she finally let a broken whisper rasp out. “I can't- I want- please-” Jacob clicked his tongue. “You know what I want you to say.” She twisted her neck around again, and he could see that her eyes were now glassy with longing. “Huh?” “It's simple— just ‘My greedy cunt belongs to my brother’. “ “I will not."

The process of turning that initial “no” into a “yes” is scorchingly hot so there you go, I love these two, I love this fic, I have definitely seen the light and I'm ready to embrace smut.

#fic rec #jacob x evie #evie x jacob #fryecest #jacob frye #evie frye #poethrotsvitha

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trueloveforeverbeautyandthebeast · 6 years

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Deborah Ann Woll on ‘Daredevil’ Season 3 and Karen Page’s Dark, Violent Past

Deborah Ann Woll discusses Karen Page’s reaction to Matt Murdock’s death, finding her place as an investigative journalist, why she’s “fucking terrified” of Wilson Fisk’s return to New York, why Marvel Netflix characters can no longer get coffee, and much more.

Question: We heard that your new costuming makes you look “fucking fierce.”

DEBORAH ANN WOLL: Oh, yeah? Well, cool. I guess so? I thought the old look was really fucking fierce! I had this big thing that I think we start to take things that were traditionally feminine and label them as weak and I just didn’t want to be a party to that. I wanted it to feel like, “Hey, you can kick ass whether you’re in pants or a skirt.” My big thing was I wanted her to be tough and fierce and amazing no matter what she’s wearing.

What can you tell us about Karen this season, what’s going on with her?

WOLL: Oh boy. Well, obviously, people will remember from The Defenders, as far as Foggy and I are concerned, Matt’s dead. So that’s kind of the first half of the season, dealing with the grief of that. Or do you believe it or not, the denial of it. And then do you keep fighting? Do you take on this fight that you think killed your friend and keep pushing on? Of course Karen will never let go. It’s really digging into the investigative journalist profession that I found myself in after last season. Wilson Fisk is back, which is very exciting. We have two new characters who are amazing. I think for me, the most fun has been that we really start to open up Karen’s past and a lot of the mysteries, the hints that have been dropped and we haven’t really filled those in. They’ve done an amazing job. I could not have asked for a better backstory. We had two different showrunners. So they had to take all the little hints and pieces that other people laid for them and then create something that they thought worked well. I was so thrilled with what they came up with.

One of my favorite things ever from Karen is when she had to kill to survive in season one, is that something that’s going to be explored?

WOLL: Yeah, we’ll definitely learn a little bit more about why those were her instincts instead of something else, like what would have maybe been better, like just pointing a gun at him and calling the cops. We will get a sense of why shooting someone and covering it up is a bit more in her wheelhouse. We get a little bit of that. For me, through the different showrunners and all the different backstories that I heard, the main thread that I asked every single showrunner along the way was like, “Please don’t say I shot someone to save a busload of kids.” I want whatever happened to be something that was my fault. That this isn’t a story about misplaced guilt, this is a story about forgiveness and acceptance. That I did something really wrong and the rest of my life has been about atoning for it. Every story that I wrote about justice and truth and about opening your mind to different types like Frank Castle or Daredevil, it’s all about, “How do I make up for the awful things that I have done by being the most light and the most truthful and the most helpful I can be?” All of that drive in her is derived from something.

One of the chestnuts of being a journalist is “Don’t become the story,” but so much happens to Karen, do you think she’s ever worried?

WOLL: It’s almost like unwittingly I do it on purpose? Because I don’t want to let go, like, “You can’t do the story, it’s my story. I’m the only one who can…” That’s a bit of the weakness in it, is I can’t let it go. I don’t trust anyone else to do it right. Someone else might be biased or influenced by Fisk, it’s hard to know who to trust. So I think Karen’s weakness is she always wants to be in the middle of it. It’s kind of a cool strength weakness thing.

It’s kind of a control freak type of thing. Is that going to be delved into?

WOLL: Sure. As we look in the past and see the varying levels of control and out-of-controlness that Karen has experienced, I do buy that there’s a sense of, if I let go for a second, everything falls apart. So I better hold on to it and I better make sure this is done right because consequences can be awful. And they still are this season. A lot of what Karen deals with is, “I keep trying to do the right thing and yet people still die. They die on my watch and even sometimes because of me.”

What is Karen’s reaction to Wilson Fisk’s return to New York?

WOLL: Really fucking terrified. I killed his best friend. He doesn’t know it yet, that’s a good thing. It was funny, they kept saying, “Play the paranoia. We definitely want to work up the paranoia.” It’s not paranoia if it’s real! If he’s really going to kill you if he finds out, that’s not paranoia. That’s real fear. We definitely play with that. I finally got to do a scene with Vincent and it was fantastic. We were both so excited because he killed my Ben Urich and I killed his James Wesley so we have a mutual hate, I guess. Very Shakespearian mutual disgust for each other. But as actors, I think we both have tremendous respect for each other and the opportunity to get to play with him in this brilliantly flamboyant performance he gives, which is very much a contrast to Karen. So it was great to get both of those energies in a room and see how they play off each other. It was a great day. There was like a snowstorm out when we shot it. We felt very much like we were all stuck in this little soundstage, the winds were roaring outside, emotions were roaring inside. It was cool.

Karen went through a huge ordeal in The Punisher very recently, I’m wondering if her adventures in The Punisher have changed her going into Daredevil season 3?

WOLL: I think definitely, The Punisher world…all these worlds are violent worlds, but The Punisher’s world particularly so. One of my favorite themes from that Punisher season, and it’s particularly that one scene out by the water, where I have to ask him, “Where does it end? At what point is your revenge over? At what point do you feel better after killing hundreds of people.” And, of course, the answer is “never.” I like the idea that that’s a realization for me, too. An understanding that I have to find. I think, in a way, it made me more sensitive to the consequences of extreme action. Some of that theming gets picked up between Karen and Matt once we realize he’s still around.

With everything Karen is going through how has her worldview changed, for you, as an actor? Coming from season one where she’s trying to find her own way until now, she’s seen the undead ninjas…

WOLL: I actually never did! I only heard about the undead ninjas. Charlie and I actually had a conversation about that. I felt bad because he was sort of off in that storyline on his own. I was like “If I was there I could help support that a little.” It just felt very out of our world, the grounded world of Daredevil. We had a conversation about it and were like, “Well it has to be that. In this room, right now, if I told you I’ve seen ghosts, I have. I know it sounds crazy but that’s what I’ve seen.” We agreed that the best way to take on mystical elements in a world that is grounded is to treat them as mystical. To treat them as exceptionally, insanely crazy. Unfortunately, I couldn’t play that with him as a support but I’m sure he did a tremendous job whatever he chose to do with it. But worldview? I don’t know, it’s like asking me what my worldview is.

I think Karen is a profoundly lonely person. She avoids honest connection. That’s part of why the relationship with Matt couldn’t work in season 2. Because neither of them were being honest with each other about who they really were. And we knew that was what we wanted to play, that there is clearly attraction here but these are not people who are ready to open up. I don’t know if it’s a worldview, but if the world was a really scary place that would never accept me, that didn’t want to see who I really was, then over the years, I think it’s about getting braver. And accepting that you have to be honest about who you are and maybe people will hate you for it.

Does Karen trust anybody?

WOLL: Maybe Foggy.

Karen has done very well for herself post-Matt, do you think Karen is better off without Matt?

WOLL: It’s interesting. No, I don’t think I’m better off without him but I wouldn’t blame Karen for thinking that she might be. I think that he’s a damaged person. I think that if I weren’t so angry with him I could see that he needs help. That’s a little bit certainly the theming that we play with this year. Just because someone pushes you away, do you accept that and say, “Hey, I don’t have to take this shit.” Or do you try and see deeper and see that that’s coming out of hurt and try and understand your way through it. Honestly, either of those answers is appropriate. It depends on what you can take at any given moment. But like I said, I think Karen is alone. Matt and Foggy are two of the only people she’s had a long relationship with in many, many years. That’s worth fighting for even if it seems like he doesn’t want you to.

How did you learn about Karen’s past? Was it as you got the scripts or did you sit down with Erik?

WOLL: Before the season started, Erik was really nice and reached out to all of us and took us to lunch and we had a conversation about it. He told me what his plans were then and obviously, that was months ago and it has changed. Not drastically but significantly since then. So it was a different story. But I’ll take as much information as they’ll give me. Every other week we were emailing or talking on the phone like, “Hey, any update on that?” He was really about being transparent with me about the direction they were going. When I finally did get a script he was really open to notes and ideas that I had and things that help me tell the story. It was crazy collaborative. With the supervising writer, the writer who wrote the episode, the director, myself, and Erik and all these great other characters that we brought on, everyone was on point. And collaborative, and open to any idea. We could throw any idea out and say, “Well, maybe that won’t work, let’s try this one.” It was two of the most exciting and fun weeks of my career, working on that material.

Is there any way that season 3 feels different from the other seasons, or any other Marvel Netflix show that you worked on?

WOLL: I think the big difference, and this is giving a lot of credit to Erik, he has decided to take on this idea of deep POV. So we have about six main characters and the idea is that every scene that you are in, you will be from the perspective of one character. That doesn’t mean that you won’t see them in the show, but that you start with them, you end with them, you notice whatever they notice, and it should give the season a very different feel. What’s fun is when two of those POV characters are in the same scene together. It’s been really interesting watching directors figure out like, “How do you shift that? Whose perspective is it?” Like in a scene with me and Fisk, it’s both of our POVs. When do we shift? When is it more interesting to be with Karen and when is it more interesting to be with him? That should really lend some really interesting new flavor to it. As well as we spend a lot of time with other characters other than Daredevil, which will lend a lot of depth to other characters and some mystery to Matt, which is always a good thing.

Karen has been a romantic interest, even in the comics, a lot of people have linked her automatically as a romantic interest. Matt is gone. How is Karen going to exist and grow outside of her comic book origins and how she was played in season 1 and 2?

WOLL: I might argue that I wasn’t a love interest in seasons 1 and 2. Look, romantic stories are incredibly fun to play. I love them. It’s like being 16 again. You get to have all those feelings. But all of the romance I’ve gotten to play, with any of the characters in the series, whether that’s Frank or Matt, they all come from a need. From a lonely person, a person who doubts whether she is deserving of love. So the relationship is deeper than just storytelling romance. With Matt gone, what will be good for Karen is she’ll need to find out whether she is worthy of love without having to find it through him. Can she discover that she’s valuable without having to find that in a romantic partner? That’s been a fun, interesting thing to play. My hope is that as they reconnect he’ll be able to help her see that better. That that will end up being how they connect with each other.

What can you tell us about the relationship between Karen and Foggy this season? A lot of times when they bond, they bond because they’re anguished over Matt, but Matt’s gone.

WOLL: There’s still plenty of anguish. When you die you don’t stop being anguishing. That’s not a word, I’m gonna’ make that a word. Foggy is about consistency. If Matt and Karen—who are the most inconsistent, wild, reckless people who exist—didn’t have Foggy, nothing would get done. So I think that he provides security and safety and support for Karen. You asked if there’s anybody she could trust, I think he would be that one person. Now I think they have very different points of view. What Karen thinks is the right thing is to do is very different from what Foggy thinks is the right thing to do. But they always support one another. Foggy’s in a great relationship so it’s very fun to think of Karen being happy for him. That he’s living a normal life while she and Matt are incapable of that.

Are they getting coffee? Are they hanging out?

WOLL: You know what happened? We have now, on our Marvel shows, we are not allowed to just literally go for coffee as characters. Because that euphemism [from Luke Cage] is so strong. We literally had scenes where I’m like, “Alright, let’s go get some coffee.” And they’re like, “No, you can’t say that. People will read into it.” No, Karen and Foggy are not “getting coffee.” We drink a lot of whiskey and scotch.

As Karen, when she watches Frank and Matt, does she find similarities between the two of them and does she find any of those qualities in herself?

WOLL: Yes. I think part of the reason why I was such a staunch supporter of Frank in a roundabout way is because I understand that. I killed out of revenge. There were other ways to handle that situation and I did not choose that. I chose to take him down because I was mad. So yeah, if you label Frank Castle a monster, what does that make me? So in a way, I had to, for my own self-image, excuse him to a certain extent. Similarly, with Matt, and this has really been the fun thing to work on, everything that I blame him for, that I think he’s…I think he’s moody, and all over the place, and he’s more interested in taking down the bad guy than his friends, it’s all stuff that I do too. It’s a really nice kind of lack of awareness. Again, this season, all those things I was so mad about, the more separation I have from him, the more that I see I am also like him. Again, that’s where the forgiveness can start to come in.

Your wardrobe is changing, which makes it easier for you to fight. Are you going to be getting in on any of the action?

WOLL: I’m very good at yelling. I will not be a zombie ninja. Karen does still have her gun. That’s an interesting thing and that’s definitely something that we want to be very careful that we don’t inadvertently make some sort of big commercial for guns and things like that. But I enjoy, especially as a female on this series, being able to have that conversation. I thought Punisher was starting to move into those conversations and we definitely have some ideas this year about the gun not representing safety. That Karen, and anyone, can be attacked whether she’s carrying or not. She can save herself whether she’s carrying or not. The gun is not the difference in that situation. In terms of fighting and wardrobe and things, again, I have to say I really enjoy that Karen is not a physical fighter. It suggests that you’re not strong if you don’t fight that way, and I love the fact that because I can’t punch you and win I have to be smarter than you. I have to be three steps ahead of you. So my strength and my super-power is involved in something else. It makes us a better team. If Matt’s the physical force and Foggy is the logical law-abiding piece, then I’m the intelligent, beat them at their own game type of thing. Then we all kind of cover each other’s tracks a little bit. Look, I think Karen is not afraid to get physical. Definitely, when we go back and look at her past we’ll see physical violence is not unknown to her. But I enjoy that it’s not my first instinct. My first instinct is to go, “I know what you’re thinking and I’m going to get there a day before you and prepare everything so that you’re screwed when you get there.” That’s fun for me that it’s a different kind of strength.

I also feel like we want to keep it in character. You don’t want like, all of a sudden she knows martial arts. She is certainly scrappy, willing to fight. But she’s not putting on a suit. If you’re coming at me, sure, I’ll throw a punch or I’m going to duck or I’ll hit you with something. But it’s much more improvised…I was talking with our assistant stunt director who was up shooting with us some interesting stuff for Karen’s backstory. He said it’s really interesting because they do so much trained, exciting acrobatic fights on this that they don’t do a lot of basic domestic violence. Really scary, really realistic fighting. He said it’s really interesting to go back and see that and how real and scary that can be. So if Karen lives in a violent world, it’s that world. It’s the world of, “I can’t throw a punch and knock you out, so that’s not my best solution to this.” I believe Karen’s taken a self-defense course. I believe that I could give you a bloody nose and run, get the fuck out of there because that’s what being smart is. Rather than Matt, who knows how to stay in the fight and win and get his advantage. So I just want to make sure we keep our characters very true.

Has playing a journalist taught you how to navigate questions like these?

WOLL: No, working for HBO and Marvel taught me how to navigate journalistic questions. Actually, my aunt teaches journalism, so I have picked her brain a ton. Even in Punisher, we had the guy who wrote in a threat to the paper. She gave me a lot of information on the Unabomber and how that was handled. Just because I wanted to make sure we really followed the line on it. Obviously, it’s TV and you’re going to have to take some poetic license here and there. But yeah, it’s been nice to play that archetype a little bit. It’s cool.

#daredevil #karen page #kastle #daredevil season 3 #dd S3 #daredevil s3 #matt murdock #foggy nelson #frank castle #deborah ann woll #matt x karen x foggy #karedevil #frank x karen #matt x karen #karen x foggy #daredevil spoilers #netflix marvel #marvel tv

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mrmallardsmobileposts · 5 years

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Fans & Shipping

I did a fandom post a while back that was mostly defensive of fandom and fans, while acknowledging that super-fans and stans can and do take their fandom way too goddamn far and alienate people.

But I've been a part of fandom, and with a fanfiction I'm publishing rn with a lot of ship tease in it, I'm worried that I'm going to be judged with the full fury of an active fanbase. And that's made me think about my values and my stance on fandom. Because as much as I can distance myself from fan culture due to the negativity I've experienced, I regularly engage with it. I am, for all intents and purposes, a fan. And a big part of my fandom experience has been with shipping.

So - shipping.

I understand why shipping is such a hotly contested aspect of fandom - to ship is to express a piece of yourself through a pair of characters. It's taking a piece of yourself and putting it into a character, then acting out something that means a lot to you. This can get ugly when you see this token of your self-expression being used in a way that you find jarring. I don't dislike this practice, or this reason for shipping - ultimately we're all trying to express ourselves and achieve that creative catharsis through our craft of choice. I also understand (at least one reason) why people get so defensive about ships. I get it, it happens.

With that being said, the lengths that some people go to in the name of protecting these feelings from harm? It's fucked up. Yeah, this ship may be precious to you for any number of reasons - going into a blind rage because someone doesn't share your vision of it still isn't acceptable, no matter how ingrained it is to your personality or your soul. People troll and gloat and act shitty, and that's worth a bit of backlash. But being so hurt over the thought of Person A piping Person C when you want them to pipe Person B, to the point of lashing out in anger - it's not healthy. There is a limit at which you need to step back and ask yourself if the emotions you feel are what you signed up for. There's a point where you need to wake up, shake out the cobwebs, and take a step back.

My big shipping fandom used to be Avatar: The Last Airbender. From 12 to 15, Avatar was my shit - I was around before the show ended, it was a big part of my childhood. I got caught up in shipping wars, I shipped Kataang and the "big enemy" was Zutara, and I was basically inducted into this shitty little community of shit where these two groups of shippers couldn't co-exist. But even when I was farting around this group, I was flexible in my shipping preferences.

I liked Kataang, but you know what else fucking rocked? Taang - Toph and Aang. There's one high school AU story with OCs and stuff that I ever read and enjoyed, and it was a Taang story. Another good one was Tokka - Toph and Sokka. Reminder, I was like 12 or 13 and I wasn't thinking about this like "wow theres an age gap", I was thinking about it like "I am 12 years old, and this is ~^~ROMANCE~^~". I preferred Tokka over Sukka, since I didn't watch a lot of season 2 or 3 for years. Yes, these are real ship names.

The point I'm trying to make is that even at my worst fandom periods, when I was indoctrinated with all this shipping war horseshit, I was never outright tied to a ship. I appreciated the different approaches that each ship took, I enjoyed the difference in dynamics. Yeah, Kataang was the endgame couple for me - they're sweet and they love each other and they can build a solid relationship built out if respect and love for each other. But Taang has reckless abandon being tempered by serenity, and unwavering dutifulness in turn being challenged by a selfish streak a mile wide.

It's fun to see characters affect each other like that. And Toph and Sokka were Snark Bros! Of course they'd grow up into endlessly snarking shitheads who can't fuckin spit it out already! Shipping was a way to explore and enjoy multiple facets of my personality, my tastes. It was fun.

How can you take an emotion like that - something that's meant to be sweet and good, something that's meant to make you feel good - and use it to scream at children who are half your age for not sharing your vision?

No joke - when I looked up Avatar fandom on Tumblr in 2013, there were 20 year olds stuck in the same shipping mentality that persisted when I was a kid, getting buttmad at 14 year olds for asking about the schism, for bringing fan negativity into the tag. Adults yelling at kids and treating them like shit.

When does a ship take over your life to the point that you're an actual grown-ass adult yelling at kids for not understanding it like you do? How do you become that selfish How do you stray from a path that used to make you so happy, and use it to harass and accost others?

Shipping is nice. I support shipping, I enjoy shipping. But I loathe people who take romantic pairings of fictional characters and use it to tie themselves in knots and torture themselves with grief when they're exposed to a thought they don't like. You can't keep living like that, and treating the people around you with contempt over it.

Keep in mind - I understand that ships can have problematic elements that personally repulse you or evoke personal memories that are incredibly unpleasant for you. I'm not talking about these ships, and telling you to get over the severe emotional hurdles that make the ships such a bad experience for you. Incest, underage, ships that are based on incredibly rapey undertones/overtones - all three, or any other distasteful combination of factors.

This post isn't intended to troll or shame people for hating a story about someone having sex with their siblings, for example. This is a callout post for people who see one ship, being shipped in good faith out of affection for the characters and their pairing, and have a nuclear fucking meltdown because "HOW DARE THEY WRITE HER AS DATING HIM, WHEN SHE BELONGS WITH THIS BOY INSTEAD!!!!!" Insert whichever pronouns or character names you like here, I'm speaking generally.

Also - I'm well aware that people have preferences! People find different things to love about their ships, and they can be as strict and adherent to their favorite ships as they like. Only shipping a single couple doesn't make you an asshole. It's when you see anything that dares to deviate from your one beloved path, to the point that you're feeling an urge to thrash someone over it. It's being a massive fucking douche-fuck to make people ashamed of an innocent crush they have on fictional characters, to make them afraid to express a genuine affection for what they're engaging in, because it opposes this one true path you keep bullshitting about.

In summary: fuck shipping wars, chill the fuck out. This pastime is meant to evoke positive feelings, not make you feel like vomiting. If you feel that bent out of shape over some genuine, innocent bullshit that does not, and will never, affect you outside of a small bubble of influence that you can step away from and moderate to your heart's content - step back, find something that's more emotionally enriching in your life and/or find a way to engage with your fandom on a healthy level. Getting this fucked up over shipping hurts everyone around you - but it also hurts you on a more meaningful level than you may realise.

#shipping #fandom #discourse

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nellie-elizabeth · 6 years

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Grey's Anatomy: Anybody Have a Map? (15x07)

I. Am so. Annoyed.

Cons:

This episode is aggravating for about a thousand different reasons. Let's start with this one: Catherine Avery has a very aggressive and cancerous brain tumor.

Nope. No. Okay, look, I get that this show is a soap opera, and that stuff like this is bound to happen in such a story. But seriously? Another character with a crazy, unlikely, extremely rare brain tumor? I can't take the stupidness of this anymore! And Catherine is already a character I find to be occasionally annoying. Like, I want to root for her, and for everything she represents, but I always found her treatment of Richard to be worrisome, and her relationship with April always rubbed me the wrong way, and the complaints go on and on. And now we're going to have to deal with another annoying brain tumor story. I'm tired!!!

Okay. I liked some of the stuff that Richard dealt with in this episode. I liked his rage, and seeing how being without his sponsor has effected him. But the whole plot about the pregnant nurse who died felt completely unnecessary. Grey's Anatomy has a large ensemble cast, and we never spend any time at all with the nurses or any of the hospital staff other than the surgeons. This character is brand new, and they tried to shoehorn in this long history and friendship between her and Richard. It felt forced, in a big way. She's just the most witty, delightful, perfect nurse ever, and of course she and Richard are BFFs. And then she dies. Here's the thing: the end of this episode shows Richard freaking out, doing a great amount of property damage to a bar that was letting people turn in AA chips in exchange for shots. This moment is built out of his frustration and anger. His grief. And it all would have been so much more effective if it had just been about losing his sponsor, and the way he's been struggling lately. Instead, we introduce a random nurse, kill her, and make her be the emotional trigger for Richard. That's not earned. That's not effective.

Okay, now let's turn to Jackson and Maggie. They're happy and all couple-y, and then Maggie sees texts from a girl on Jackson's phone, talking about how much she misses him, with heart emojis. I was already primed to be annoyed. Jackson having an affair makes no sense, and indeed he's not. But he did find someone to talk to about God and open up to about what he's lost, and that person isn't Maggie. Turns out, he's also been talking about this stuff with April. Maggie gets pissed off, throws a fit, then begs Jackson to talk to her about it. Then Jackson does, and Maggie cries and runs off, sending a dramatic text to Meredith about the world ending.

If Jackson and Maggie were compelling to me as a couple, this plot thread wouldn't actually be all that bad. It's often interesting when you have a scenario where both people are kind of wrong, and kind of right, and you can't really pin all of the relationship problems on one person. In this case, Maggie annoys the hell out of me, but I admit that she fully has every right to be pissed off about this woman that Jackson is texting with. Not because he has a woman who he considers a friend, but because this is someone that he met when he ran off without telling Maggie, which was a dick move as it is, and clearly he's hiding her from Maggie, which is also gross and wrong. Jackson's not an idiot, and even if he never flirted with this woman, she's clearly flirting with him.

But then we get to the part where Maggie goes too far. Jackson confesses that he's been talking to April about his newfound belief in God and what this all means for him, and Maggie is mad that Jackson is talking to "other women" about his issues. April is not "other women." April is the person co-parenting a child with Jackson. April is the woman who was 100% supportive of Maggie and Jackson, and does not deserve to be put on the same level as the rando that Jackson met at a temple or whatever. That sucks, Maggie.

And then you have Jackson opening up to Maggie, even though he says the problem is that she never opens up to him. Maggie claims that being a genius and growing up isolated from people her own age meant that she didn't really learn how to be in relationships. Okay, fair enough. She has a hard time opening up. But she yells at Jackson for opening up to other people and not her. She's enraged. And then Jackson does open up. He talks to her about the complicated, messy feelings he's having. About how God was always an obstacle in his relationship with April, and he is mourning the timing. Now that he finally believes in God, and it could be something the two of them shared, they are both on different paths and won't ever be together. He loves Maggie, but he's still thinking about the life he might have had, the life he lost. That's complicated, and I'm sure it's hard for Maggie to hear, but she just basically forced him to open up about it. And what does Maggie do? She bursts into tears and leaves. I'm not saying that Maggie's feelings are wrong or illegitimate or stupid. She's allowed to feel how she feels. But if she wasn't ready to talk about complicated stuff with Jackson, then she really shouldn't be screaming at him for talking about those complicated things with other people! Hypocrite!

Bottom line: Jackson sucks for having something approaching an emotional affair with another woman, if it even went that far. Maggie sucks for policing what Jackson can talk about and with whom. Jackson sucks for accusing Maggie of not opening up, trying to blame their problems on her instead of on him, when he's the one who ran off. And Maggie sucks for telling Jackson to be honest with her, and then running off the second that he is. This whole thing is making them both look like shit. And that sucks.

Pros:

Whew. Anyway. Wow. That was a lot of ranting. I'm just so annoyed about it all. But let's talk about the good things in this episode, because they do exist.

Like I said, I liked the end of Richard's plot thread. It would have been better if his rage had boiled over because of existing stuff, not just the random death of a random woman we just met. But the moment when he turns his chips in, my heart stopped. And I knew. I knew he went there not because he wanted a drink, although I'm sure he did. He went there because he was furious. And with good reason. So now we've got the stupidity of Catherine having cancer, and we've got Richard getting himself arrested. These two are not a model for healthy marriage, let me tell you, and I'm excited to see how Meredith helps Richard with this whole situation.

Once again, I must say that Catherine having a brain tumor is STUPID. But, I must admit, I liked the material with her, Meredith, and Koracick. I kind of can't believe how interesting I find Koracick now, and I wish we could have more of him. He's blunt and he's cocky. He's almost Derek-like, only even more extreme. I like that attitude. I like that he uses his bluntness not to put people down, but to lift them up. When he says something, you believe it, because he's not the kind of guy who would lie to make you feel better. I like that a lot. And if it weren't for the stupidity of yet another character having a rare cancer, I would be really compelled by this story, especially for what it offers to Koracick, a hard-ass with a secret heart of gold. The friendship between Koracick and Catherine could be really fun to explore. Again, if not for the inherent STUPIDITY of the scenario.

Do you think I used the word "stupid" enough? Anyway. This review is over. I'm annoyed.

5/10

#review #grey's anatomy #grey's anatomy review #greys anatomy #greys anatomy review #grey's #grey's abc #greys #greys abc

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emergences-blog1 · 5 years

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Festering Anger

Do you have anger festering inside you? What is your process of digesting anger? We are a culture that has suppressed our anger and it seethes out of us at the most inopportune time. We cannot continue to ignore our negative feelings and put on a façade that all is rainbows and unicorns when in fact it is not. Pretending to be what we are not creates a deep fragmentation and separation of our soul essence from our psyche. I have worked for years with people and observed first hand this energetic confliction between the outside mask and the deeper inner turmoil. I can feel emotion, very specifically the darker and heavier ones this is why my work is so centered on transmuting lower frequency energy into higher frequency energy; teaching others how to take off the mask so they more clearly see their true nature is part of that process. Before learning to discern my ability to feel so particularly others emotional body it was incredibly confusing to listen to someone talk with a smile on their face but feel an oozing of anger, despair or suffering. I openly share myself with the world so others can see firsthand that it is okay to be broken, damaged, or whatever unsavory thing we consider ourselves in that moment. What happens when we cloak our true nature is eventually we forget and all the things we covered up and pushed down move out of our conscious awareness until triggered by usually an outside source. Now we are consumed with shame and guilt about this unsavory explosion of deeply repressed anger aka grief, loss, and heartache. We live in a time and society that has for years tried to use analytical approaches to emotional problems. No matter how much we try to analyze our emotions it WILL not shift the frequency of them, we can reflect on our emotions but we must follow up our reflections with a process. Talking about our feelings absolutely can help us process what we are experiencing, but to harness the emotions takes more than talking. I first hand had the experience of working in an inpatient psychiatric hospital for years and watched the talk and medication process; for years I watched the same people return back to the same system. This was fundamental in my studies because I got to see firsthand, these people are not healing they are barely surviving; they are returning back year after year with same the same shit. Why? There is a deeper process needed, and all those who have worked in this field and can be honest about the cycle of returning clients would tell you the same. Now we all have different needs to address different things, but universally the underlining first step is actually to feel our emotions. Only when we make space to actually feel without judgment or analytics can we more clearly discern what the fuck is driving the train on a core level. Often our true nature is hostile with anger because you’ve come across shit ass people who have walked all over you and you didn’t have the skill set to set healthy boundaries and stop the cycle of abuse. Our true nature often reveals we have a deep desire to be our eccentric selves but society, our family and friends have made us feel that is not socially acceptable to not align with the norm. People do wild things when in a state of fear, and we my friends live a large part of our existence in fear. Our defense systems are larger than life, cutting our own throats by sabotaging any chances of having close connections. Our egos over developed to survive the kill or by killed mind set ingrained even in our big body religions. Our lineages have been killed for simply believing differently than another, wars raging people dying all because they were different. Fucking Wild what we as humans have experienced and continue to experience. Anger, fear, loss, grief what do we doooooo with it. We cannot possibly continue to think medicating whether with pills or drugs (all the same) is enough to heal the deeper core issues. Not to say medicine doesn’t have its place and means to help with so much, but it is a sliver of what is needed to get to the core. If you are numbing and suppressing it will ooze out and most likely on those closest to you. You may find yourself screaming at your children for being children, flipping out on your partner just because they are the first face you see after a day of slaving for the cooperate man, kicking your dog because he had to go pee and no one was around to let him out. When you read this it certainly will bring up a memory for you and be followed with shame or guilt which is incredibly uncomfortable. Be compassionate with yourself, we humans have had a hard go and we lack very necessary coping skills and purification processes to assist us in digesting life experiences. For those of you who know me, you have seen firsthand how powerful my commitment to exploring other processes has changed me. I once was a very dark, broken and fragmented being. And as CRAZY as some people find me now, it is simply because I freed myself from the norm and structures that continued cycles of old paradigms. Damn right I sought out the ancient wisdoms of our world in hopes not only to heal myself but the collective force of the human race. Sweat lodges, Buddhist temples, wailing ceremonies, tantric breathing practices, past life regressions, a hundred million types of yoga, religious scriptural studies, prayer in all forms, ritual bathing , fire circles, sacred rites of many different cultures, sound therapy, energy work and this will never stop for me because the shit is working. I dance, scream, cry, chant, pray and I am guided deeper into a universal knowing. My time in deep darkness has been a great gift of wisdom and my return to the light a great gift of grace. Darkness has a deep wisdom, when we observe it we can learn from it parts of our nature, the history of our race and how we have become what we see in the world. When we can look at our dark parts we can learn to work towards combining these forces light and dark to work in harmony for our greater good. Light and dark create this world. Contemplate this, we cannot see in total darkness nor can we see in total light. In the night the moon provides light, in the day the sun cast shadows. When in balance we see both aspects and we learn from both aspects. Sat Nam my beautiful beings- Angelic 333

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pcfricker · 6 years

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Fallout 76

Sooooooo Fallout 76 came out yesterday, which I would’ve liked to have been playing till midnight out of sheer excitement. That is, if it wasn’t mired with so many technical bugs and other irritations that would make it more of a chore than a joy to play. I haven’t actually played it yet, but from what I’ve been hearing I don’t think I want to. This is gonna be mostly hearsay, but it’s my rant post and I’m feeling motivated tonight so here I go.

I had learned my lesson from the rather lukewarm release of Fo4 and tried my best to not get too excited about it. Overall, I did keep a level head from the time it was announced ‘till the day it launched but I did still have an optimistic outlook about it. Even when it was confirmed to be online only multiplayer with no NPCs, I still had some hope for it cause I was ready to rock ‘n roll with some friends in the wastes. The online part actually got me even more excited because I could finally team up with some of my friends and explore the wastes together. We even had our roles all picked out and everything. One of us was gonna be the builder/weapon smith, one was gonna be our sneaky sniper, and then I was gonna be the tank of the group in my kickass power armor. We all exchanged words about how much we were looking forward to it. Knowing what I know now, I feel almost a little bit betrayed by how the game turned out.

As the release day grew closer and closer, more information about the game’s shortcomings came to light. Reports from the B.E.T.A. event that a lot of people went to in WV left most with a positive impression, but when the public got into the B.E.T.A. more issues began cropping up. From frame dips, to glitches, the game’s core workings, or lack thereof rather, started to become apparent.

Just a few days before release, everyone learned that there was also a really big security concern that someone on reddit brought up. This is where my hope begane to waiver. Most of the game’s functions like player health, stats, and lots of other important information wasn’t being checked by the servers to verify that nothing had been changed. You could literally open up a file and change your health so that your character could be effectively un-killable, or you could even give yourself boatloads of caps and buy anything you could ever want.

Not only that, information was sent to the servers in plaintext format which meant that anyone could run wireshark to skim information about who was connected to your particular server. Do I also need to mention that there are microstransactions in this game too? Yeah, I’m sure you can see where I’m going with that. So after all the bragging they did about how effective their anti-griefing system was, they basically left the keys to the mansion under the rug for people to abuse however they saw fit.

As for the glitches I mentioned earlier, don’t worry. Bethesda Game Studios has got you covered in the only way they know how. Their game still uses their antiquated Creation Engine, which was based off the already unsteady Gamebryo engine from Oblivion, which over the years has been patched and stitched together to work for a newer generation of games. Even Fo4 used it, and while still graphically impressive for the Fallout series as a whole, when compared to other games from that generation it still looked dated.

From frame dips, animation errors, and flat out freezing/crashing, 76 lays bear all the faults of Bethesda’s clunky engine. The reason Fo4 was at least liked despite it’s short comings was because it has enough substance that one could still have enough fun to overlook them. 76 has no such luxury. From the get go, you’re walking into this vast empty world with the only things to keep you company, outside of friends to play with, is the robots and mutated creatures of WV. The main story itself is just you following around the ghosts of people who have long since been dead.

I know I said the lack of NPCs didn’t really bother me, but now that I’m thinking about story progression it really does rub me the wrong way. I don’t want to go around cleaning up after people that have been dead for years before I stumbled across their corpse. If it were me, I would’ve taken a moment to feel bad for them and then move on with my hecking life. Why should I make his former problems mine? I’d much rather have someone come running up to me begging for me to help defend his home from a super mutant attack. I want to feel like I’m actually making a damn difference in this damn apocalypse, not clean up after dead people. Anyways, back to the bugs.

V.A.T.S. is just a dreadful mess. The percentages are constantly changing from 95% to 0% in half a second, which is hardly helpful. You’d be better off just manually aiming because at least then you could at least hit them reliably. This is one of the more egregious examples of a poor implementation that is a staple in the series. I could go on with the bugs, but its 12:30 right now and I want to sleep. So I want to get on to the final reason why 76 is so frustrating.

Bethesda is lazy, pure and simple. I’m not saying the employees are lazy, I’m looking at the people at the top making the decision to continue using old, buggy code that should’ve been overhauled *years* ago. They’ve had more than enough time to sort this shit out, but they didn’t because they wanted to get this game to market as fast as possible to capitalize on the “live service” train. Well it’s biting them in the ass now ‘cause their lack of experience and overall ineptitude is more apparent now than ever. They are falling behind in an area where they used to be the leader in, chasing after trends they used to set. Their continued use of their Creation Engine is going to be their downfall unless they give it a much needed tune-up, which it’s needed since Fo3.

It’s this very reason that no matter how much new content they add to it, it’s never going to be the game I and so many others wanted it to be. It’s going to take nothing short of a complete overhaul of the game in order to even have a hope of coming close to something like that. Which won’t happen, everyone knows it. Even if that does happen, the question still remains as to how many people were overworked to the point of mental, physical, and emotional breakdown in order to achieve that goal.

I’m willing to give Bethesda one more chance, because if they pull their head out their ass and get their shit together I think they can make great games again. As for Fallout 76, I refuse to support the behavior it represents.

#personal #rant #journal #long post #fallout 76 #fallout

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goldenboughs · 6 years

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Themes - E’salih Goldenbough

((Music is my SHIT get ready for me to go way overboard on this.))

[General Theme] Joy - Sleeping at Last - ‘so i let go, and in this moment, i can breathe.’ • The most fundamentally Salih song of them all. Every single line of this fits him to a T - the anxiety, the beauty in the world and the people around him that calms it, and his desire to see the wonder, the best in things. How Far I’ll Go - Auli’i Cravalho - ‘i’ll be satisfied if i play along - but the voice inside sings a different song. what is wrong with me?’ • I really tried to avoid Disney for a majority of this, but pieces of Moana wormed their way irrevocably into my ideas of Salih so I couldn’t not go with this one. Wants to cross the sea to explore and see the world for themselves? Shackled to important family roles with parents not exactly supportive of the lifestyle they want to lead? Female mentor figure whose passing marks a major turning point for them? Check, check aaaand check. Dreamers - K. Flay - ‘i used to knock on wood, i used to never curse. i used to think i could control the universe - with my obsessive thoughts, and what felt like a prayer. i shouted to the sky, ‘don’t let my family disappear.’’ • A more solemn one - I was linked this by a good friend, and the more I listened to it the more I realized how well it captures Salih’s longing, the rut he’s currently stuck in.

[Travel Theme] Tarir, the Forgotten City - Lena Chappelle Road of Trials - Austin Wintory Secunda - Jeremy Soule Exploration and excitement abound - the essence of where Salih wants to be - but sometimes the road is long and requires a bit of quiet introspection, especially during moonrise.

[Happy Theme] Taste - Sleeping at Last - ‘i wanna feel tectonic shifts - i wanna be, i wanna be astonished.’ • An incredible toast to the world Salih longs to see. Alone Together - Aivi & Surasshu - Steven Universe was another big inspiration for Salih, and Stevonnie especially. Fitting that Alone Together (the song) is such an incredibly sweet, upbeat tune for him.

[Love Theme] Stray Italian Greyhound - Vienna Teng - ‘i just stopped believing in happy endings - harbors of my own. but you had to come along, didn’t you? tear down the doors, throw open windows- oh, if you knew just what a fool you have made me.’ • He’s trying so hard not to let feelings happen, but feelings happen so easily for him and he doesn’t know where to put them all, how to bottle it all up so instead it overflows and he’s a stuttering mess around those he has a crush on, but who might not necessarily know that yet. The End of All Things - Panic! at the Disco - ‘in these coming years, many things will change. but the way i feel will remain the same.’ • The world will change, people change - this is inevitable, especially so when you have dreams like Salih’s. But when Salih loves, he loves for better or worse, and there is little that can be done to change that. Eric’s Song - Vienna Teng - ‘ambitions like ribbons worn bright on my sleeve’ / ‘so we just hold on fast, acknowledge the past as lessons exquisitely crafted, painstakingly drafted to carve us as instruments that play the music of life.’ • Those who Salih loves best are those he will endlessly forgive, and who will forgive him his shortcomings. No one is perfect. But falling into that mutual, loving understanding of one another is the key to long-lasting relationships with Salih. It’s Love, Isn’t It? - Joe Hisaishi - Should be self-explanatory, if you’ve seen half the things I’ve queued for him. A theme specifically for his relationship with Rhos. Yuri on ICE - Umebayashi Tarou - :3c

[Sad Theme] Friends - Yoko Kanno Sakura Nagashi - Utada Hikaru - ‘however great the fear, i won’t look away if at the end of it all, love still remains.’ • I’ve no words for this, other than the sense of loss communicated is profound and the constant thread of hope that strings through - that lovers will see one another again, even at the end of everything, is a powerful motif. Whispers - Dave Baxter - ‘in whispers, in whispers - you say ‘let it go, let it go home.’’ • Despite the years, he still misses Khoya. Most of the time, he’s fine. On the rarest occasions, though, and more commonly in the past - he needs to be told to set his grief down.

[Anger/Frustration Theme] Hardest of Hearts - Florence + The Machine - ‘there is love in your body, but you can’t get it out - it gets stuck in your mind, won’t come out of your mouth.’ Headlock - Imogen Heap - ‘afraid to start, got your heart in a headlock - you know you’re better than this.’ Often it’s Salih’s inability to act or make concrete decisions in situations where immediate action is not strictly necessary - citing paralyzing anxiety or worry as the cause - that stresses him the most, and what has the most potential to cause friction with others or with himself.

[Lust Theme] Unfold - Alina Baraz & Galimatias - ‘he says that i’m glowing / the kind of love we can’t control.’ Ok Go - I Want You So Bad I Can’t Breathe - ‘i want you, yeah i want you - so bad i can’t think straight, so bad all my bones shake, so bad i can’t breathe.’ Make Me Feel - Janelle Monae - ‘you know i love it, so please don’t stop it - you got me right here in your jean pocket.’ Lust and love usually go hand in hand for Salih, but when he wants he wants. It’s all or nothing and if you’ve got him interested, he’s down anytime, (almost) anywhere.

[Villianism Theme] Fear Not This Night - Maclaine Deimer ver. - ‘who needs the light? fear not this night.’ • AU - For the boy who never left O’ghomoro, and grew much, much darker at the edges for it. The Dread Wolf - Trevor Morris • AU - For the boy who left home much, much too early on his own - and found a world he could not convince himself was worth saving. Glitter and Gold - Barns Coulter - ‘do you ponder the nature of things? in the dark - the dark, the dark, the dark.’ • AU - For the boy who exchanged one abuse for another. Piracy pays, but carries a price tag of its own.

[Fight Theme] Laura Palmer - Bastille - ‘the night was all you had - you ran into the night from all you had. found yourself a path upon the ground, you ran into the night, you can’t be found.’ • Once he’s found his strength, he’ll go places. It’s just a matter of believing it first. Blitz - Iwasaki Taku You Say Run - Yuki Hayashi (Cloudjumper ver.) • I really don’t have an excuse for this, I just wanted to shove a My Hero Academia song in here somewhere and this absolutely works thematically as a Salih battle theme.

[Death Theme] Stoick’s Ship - John Powell - ‘my dearest one, my darling dear - my might one has fallen. the children weep for their protector; the loved ones will be praying. so we part again, my love, my darling one - so the gods above will bless you.’ Sad Moon - Yoko Kanno Passage - Vienna Teng - ‘now i am nothing, everywhere - several breaths of strangers’ air, and all thoughts ever written in my hand. they plant my tree out in the yard - it grows, but takes the winter hard.’ • The world would recover, given time.

[Bonus Theme] | Super Blue Blood Moon - Sleeping at Last • ‘Are you trying to make me fall in love with you?’ / ‘I wouldn’t mind that. It’s only fair.’ Geminid Meteor Shower (December 13, 2017) - Sleeping at Last • For the boy with stars on his face and in his eyes, who so carefully planned his first proper date in years to coincide with a meteor shower. Light in the Hallway - Pentatonix • ‘for we all have our nightmares - even me, my dear.’ • A lullaby.

tagged by: @captaingiddyblack - lovingly stolen! I’ve been vibrating to do this prompt since I first saw it.

tagging: This is a time intensive prompt, so it’s cool if I tag you and you don’t want to do it (and ESPECIALLY not to the level of detail I went, I am just weak for music themes) - however, I’d love to see the choices @elegant-etienne (YOU ESPECIALLY I LOVE YOUR MUSIC TASTE), @actualkomodo, @mrhos-xiv, @campcatte, @moonlifter (for Khena or Aedwen, esp.) and @mveerah would make! If you’ve been eyeing this prompt like I have, and I didn’t expressly tag you, feel free to steal anyway! I LOVE seeing the music people associate with their characters.

#memes #long post #holy SHIT i had fun with this

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alisuhs · 6 years

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ALISA SAVAGE is an ORDER MEMBER in the war, even though HER official job is as HEAD OF THE AUROR OFFICE. the THIRTY-ONE year old PUREBLOOD is known to be ENTERPRISING and VIVACIOUS but also DOGMATIC and NEUROTIC. some might label them as THE LADY OF WAR. fc: inbar lavi

so this is alisa savage, aka That One Obscure Auror Tonks Offhandedly Mentions in One of the HP Books (trademark pending)

pinterest boi

character inspiration: leia organa, hayes morrison, lexi branson, natasha romanoff, peggy carter, sara lance, jessica pearson, bobbi morse.

aesthetic.

high heels clicking on hardwood, the smell of fresh - brewed coffee, spilled wine, redacted information, smudged ink on parchment, the pop f i z z clink of champagne, quills scratching across paper, the satisfaction of reaching justice, lipstick stains on glasses, snakeskin and lace, the feeling you get when you step too close to a fire. messy blonde hair framing features that were once beautiful, but are now just tired. sharp whiskey and silent grief. honey eyes and tattooed wings beating against your shoulder, begging to be uncaged.

family ties.

ezra savage --- american ambassador, soon to be retiring. generally a playful, fun man, very personable and agreeable. it’s what made him such a good diplomat and father. he was a thunderbird when attending ilvermorny, where he met his wife.

hara savage --- former wampus!!! tiny and fighty and very very loving. a huuuuge spitfire. currently back in the states to help her sick mother.

damaris savage --- baby sis!!! was honestly the sweetest, most fun young girl. big dreams and even bigger imagination. she was a 22, a junior healer --- one of the ones who were killed during the siege, actually. surprise!!!!!!

childhood.

ALRIGHT SO the savages are actually an american pureblooded family!! though blood status typically didn’t matter as much in the states as did the way ezra made his way up to earning the title of AMBASSADOR. diplomat. emissary. whatever ya wanna call it!!

though the savages were also a later branch of the highly regarded ROCHE family, of the original twelve aurors, due to one of the women in the family marrying a savage.

alisa was born in 1949 america, which with all things considered, really wasn’t that long after the ordeal with grindelwald. but it was also 1949 in the united states, so the red scare was going strong when she was born, which was an entirely different sort of witch hunt than the one her wizarding community grew to know

with the red scare as a guise, there were some lingering anti-wizard people who used it as an excuse to go after wizards. again. but this time by saying they were communist spies!!!

she grew up in a wizarding world that wasn’t AS sheltered and concealed since the disbandment of the new salem philanthropic society just over two decades before.

the savages are spread all across the united states wizarding world, but this particular branch of them was fairly small and tight knit and centered right outside of new york city. much of alisa’s first eight years was spent bouncing back and forth between their home in new rochelle and the city.

after working as a translator for years, and growing from there, ezra finally reached a point where macusa and the president announced him to be their consul for the united kingdom’s wizarding world. this was v exciting for the family!!

so when she was nine, not long before she would have started her education at ilvermorny, the savages relocated to LONDON. fun!!! (sort of)

living on the wizarding world’s equivalent of embassy row and getting to witness this level of the government working was fascinating. her life from then on took the form of galas and exploring london with her mom (and eventually newborn sister, who was ten years younger than her) and mother and sitting in on some debates and discussions regarding foreign policies between the different countries.

a lot of political shit, but it also really shaped alisa?? it made her very interested in the mechanics of the government, and exposed her to how things WORKED. both in the ministry and macusa. it also displayed both groups’ PROBLEMS to her.

when she was 11 she was shipped off to hogwarts!!!

her parents didn’t want her on a different continent while they were still working in england, so after some discussion with headmaster dumbledore, she was brought on board

sorted into slytherin!!! her personality was essentially highlighted in slytherin, where her fire and drive and goals were celebrated, though her american background did receive its own criticisms. for the most part, hogwarts were some of the best years of her life --- she was a member of too many clubs to keep track, a keeper for the slytherin team, a top student, and incredibly social w/in her peers. sure she could be a bit.......biting sometimes, but overall she was v sociable.

then to now.

so after graduating from hogwarts, she went straight into the auror academy!!! though she was good at playing the social realms of politics, it was never quite as much her speed as what the aurors did. even back in the states she had practically idolized the men and women with these jobs, so it was no question what she wanted to do.

a very ambitious and determined woman, she fought and worked her way higher and higher up through the department as years passed. there was always that unspoken struggle of being a woman in a male-dominated field. but she was damn good at her job!!!! sometimes a bit of an annoyance to her peers when she would fight back on some decisions made on cases, but it’s bc she has a fucking backbone boiiii

so as she went from junior auror to senior and everywhere in between, she gathered respect. enough of a reputation as well, to be promoted to head of the auror office in january of 1980 at age 31. she is the third woman to hold the position and ALMOST the youngest, but not quite

she’s a workaholic so since her promotion you can catch her at the ministry even MORE these days

she loves her job though, and is v v committed to getting things done through the right means. off the clock she’ll do anything to get the job done, but when at work she’s v big on ensuring everyone follows rules and protocol when it comes to cases. she doesn’t need shit being thrown out the window bc someone didn’t go through the right channels or was a dumbass and did something out of line. they’re going to do it the right way dammit!!!!

oh okay right and the ORDER i need to talk about that

so basically she joined near the start of the war?? she was around 22/23 and a v fiery, excitable new auror who had a tendency to push her luck and speak impulsively when she shouldn’t have. but it was enough to get the attention of dumbledore and his small order at the time, so she was RECRUITED

sort of a spy but also not really

more does a lot of the strategy work, social warfare, my local ootp mom

helps organize missions n shit

personality.

LOOK I K N O W I SAID SHE WAS GONNA BE A KNOCK-OFF AMELIA BUT

she actually ended up being fairly different??? or i at least highlighted different traits than i usually did with mia

a detail-oriented big picture thinker. used to act more impulsively, but at this age she’s more likely to step back and take everything in before making decisions or calls and it’s what makes her a good leader, but also can be what makes her seem COLD

low tolerance 4 bullshit

quick tongued

warm hearted, ultimately

ready to do what it takes for the cause, but she also has a particular moral code that she won’t typically break

somewhere within the lawful good and lawful neutral spectrum ???

p aggressive!!! like she’s 300 pounds of fight me in a 140lb body, but also aggressive in a different sense? like she’s willing to step forward and do or say the things some might not, also ready to push and push and push until someone breaks

like she’s a potty-mouthed ball of rage from 1940s new york, come on

can be a lil dramatic :/

optimistic, but not naive??? like how leia had 100% in the rebellion but she also wasn’t fuckin stupid

i could get into this more but u know what, i’m still learning her myself

fun facts.

u think she has coffee.......but in reality, it’s coffee AND whiskey

gets into aggressive debates about quidditch

always wearing heels, like it’s a bad day if she’s NOT

always has her nails done, it’s v extra

“what do u prefer, men or women” “i have a preference for justice”

has a black cat that she would probably die for

would also probably die 4 u reading this but anywhomst

loves greek mythos and literature in general

but esp greek mythos

pretty n tired, probably hasn’t gotten a full night’s sleep since 1972

OH AND FORGOT 2 MENTION THIS FARTHER UP BUT she’s been more.......volatile since the murder of her sister during the siege. v Not Happy. sara lance when laurel was killed? it alisa.

anyway i want 2 add more and learn her more bc i’m EXCITED and on a ROLL and those character parallels up there are giving me SO MUCH INSPIRATION but i have 2 work 11-9 today and it’s 10:30 so gotta blast

come plot w me thank

#v. ━━ A AVOCADO … THAAAANKS ( ooc. )#maraudrshq:intros #iii. ━━ PARALYZED BY FEELING SO MUCH / TOO MUCH / NOT ENOUGH ( character study. )#iii. ━━ A WOMAN WHO WALKS WITH GHOSTS ( headcanons. )

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elizabethrobertajones · 6 years

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I remember once reading a post about how destiel pov is usually only on one character while the other looks disinterested and this is kind of the feeling I'm getting from s13 too Dean is all about Cas and mourning Cas and TFW and Cas is all "k. Bye". :/ im getting kinda uncomfortable since 12x19 with Dean crawling after Cas begging him to to choose them and Cas continuing to not do that (part of why I hoped Cas was brainwashed and not intentionally leaving Dean)

I hope that wasn’t my post because it was a little more complex than “one feels one way and the other looks disinterested”

https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/165634856748/elizabethrobertajones-bluestar86

I wrote this about how there’s a narrative POV about whose emotional arc is carrying Destiel. That doesn’t have to mean whoever has it is basically just shown to be unrequitedly pining. For example in season 4 you can comment a lot on how Cas seems to be falling for Dean before, you know, literally falling for him, but the POV of the season is entirely on Dean and the only Cas POV we get is stuff where he’s hanging out talking to other angels doing angel business and his personal arc stuff. There might be some incredible Destiel scenes like when he rebels in 4x22 but Dean’s the POV in the scenes even if Cas is the one reacting and doing stuff which is powering things along. Or 6x20 is entirely from Cas’s POV but we see Dean contribute plenty of angst to the drama and we still know how he feels, it’s not hard to guess when it’s written all over his face and how he struggles with what he’s discovering when we’ve been with him all season already, but every scene is given to us from Cas’s perspective because he’s narrating it.

I mean obviously there are times when one of them is emotionally unavailable such as the rest of season 6 being from Dean’s POV, or season 9 - 10 where Dean has the Mark and so the emotional arc is all on Cas’s shoulders… Again not because the other is completely void of feelings on the other side during these times, but because there’s a narrative device keeping them from expressing them or acting on them or whatever.

I’m pretty confused by the apparent reading a bunch of people have that Cas isn’t giving back feelings to Dean at the moment, which seems to have sprung out of lingering uncertainty about Cas’s state of being (which I just can’t see at the moment with any indications from the show that Cas is not himself in a fundamental way) or perhaps disappointment since the sneak peek for 13x06 that the reunion was understated.

I feel like I just watched one of the most ridiculous stretches of non-stop Destiel nonsense the show has ever delivered, starting 12x19 and relying on both characters to tell it.

Obviously we have Dean missing Cas in the build up to it, and Cas leaves as he does in the end of 12x19, and Dean continues angsting about it on the phone to Mary before shit hits the fan… Cas has the emotional POV in 12x19 but it relies on the theme of clarifying who you’re talking about and different levels of personal investment, which is only clarified in a bad way for Dean asking not to be included in Sam’s cheerful greeting of Cas, but then through the episode shows Cas and Dean still have a bigger personal investment in each other even when Cas only ever speaks about “sam and dean” as a unit. I don’t think that’s narrative POV on the Destiel arc because Dean’s still doing the heavy lifting, making it a weird episode where Cas has the POV but Dean has the Destiel POV, perhaps because of their epic misunderstandings about feelings which are a major major theme between them. But for all the generic concern thrown around, this episode had the mixtape exchange among all the other stuff between Cas and Dean when they were in the same room which made it clear they specifically focussed on each other.

And obviously while 12x23 was from Sam and Dean’s POV (even stuff like Cas going into the AU world was cut off so that we could react with Sam and Dean to AU Bobby, not with Cas), and there was very little interaction, Cas still did that bizarre thing where all the living Winchesters piled into his house and he said “Dean,” followed by, again singling Dean out in his attention and healing him, which had also happened in the end of 12x19. Even if Cas is not the POV there’s things thrown in to show that in amongst everything else and Cas losing control of the narrative after he was Jacked, he still blatantly cares about Dean and that he and Dean single each other out.

I suppose the Dean POV on how he feels about Cas has been utterly utterly in your face this season so far which might be another reason why it seems like Cas is giving less back. I do think, though, that it has not ALL been on Dean. In 13x03 Jack wakes up Cas after Dean manages to clarify some feelings about Cas at least in relation to how Sam is feeling. It darkly mirrors 12x19 where Dean clarified that he was mad at Cas when he came in the door, but this time positively for his FEELINGS about Cas, even if he’s now screaming in Sam’s face about it. The clarification that he cares that much about Cas is something that has been hovering unsaid for a long time despite their entire history of being singled out for each other, it’s become more blatant as the family has become more integrated, and pretty much since season 9 when Dean had to ask Cas to leave the Bunker, the weight has been on his say on whether Cas is part of the family or not. Thematically, obviously. In the wider narrative. Sam does a lot to make Cas feel at home, in 8x22 and the start of season 11 just off the top of my head as moments when Sam and Cas & the Bunker as home were a thing, but it’s Dean who has the big dramatic say. The main emotional arc impact. It pretty much goes without saying that Sam will welcome Cas and make home comfy in the Bunker. There’s no issue there at all :P

Anyway, Jack is overhearing Sam getting yelled at for not appreciating just how painful it is to look at him and only see Cas dying, and this creates the void of Cas in their lives in Jack’s heart powerful enough to nudge Cas in the Empty. I see it as Dean putting out this fact into the world for the first time, and that demanding an ANSWER. Cas waking up is a response to Dean making it clear how hurt he has been by Cas’s death. The theme of clarification, using your words, etc, has meant Dean has finally let words out that would have been awfully useful for Cas to know in life, and lo and behold he is awake. It’s a narrative question and answer to me. Dean feels this way about Cas - Cas is in the least possible state to ever find out, but now the story has changed, is this enough for Cas? And the answer is, yes, he wakes up now.

In the Empty Cas is challenged by the sleepy void about why he is awake, and it attempts to beat him and then his feelings into submission so that he will give up and go back to sleep. Dean off on the other side of the story is literally linked to Cas when he asks what linked all the victims - the answer is, their grief, and cut to Cas. Or when he says what is burned stays dead - and the answer is, no, look how Cas is doing over here, up and awake and wandering around and fighting to come back. Dean says he has no hope, and the obvious answer is, well you might not now but look who just woke up back on earth. I think it’s important to remember that narrative structure of Dean “interacting” with Cas in the Empty when talking about it because Dean is intrinsically linked to Cas over and over in 13x03 and 13x04 by his statements and the subsequent dramatic irony or narrative, like… eyebrow wiggling… they’re doing. (I’ll be honest, I have a headache so I can’t remember all my literature degree stuff :P) Because I think Jack just brought Cas back because of his OWN issues missing Cas and obviously what Kelly said about him being an angel to watch over him which he felt he was sorely lacking. But the way in which it all happens is tuned directly to Dean’s feelings.

And then we get, in the Empty, Cas’s little feelings. The Empty telling him he doesn’t want to go back, not in a dismissive way but in a I know how you feel and I know you don’t want to way. These scenes HAVE to be Cas’s emotional POV and if he won’t say it, the Empty will for him. It doesn’t matter if he’s not EXPRESSING these things for himself, the important thing is the scene is ABOUT Cas and it’s giving us an explanation of his emotions. That “Sam and Dean need me” is being put out there as Cas’s reason to go back despite the fact he doesn’t want to, that he’d shackle himself back to the same burden that got him killed, that in 12x19 we could see was destroying their relationship even BEFORE it got him killed. We’re getting a direct exploration of the things which last season kept Cas at an awful range of miscommunication to Dean. The stuff he never said to him or explained to Dean so badly Dean didn’t even get why he was saying it when it seemed too obvious to him that they all need to be together as a family and obviously Cas is family and obviously they should do everything side by side.

And so the Empty crouches down by Cas and says, “I know what you hate. I know who you love. I know what you fear,” with intonation that shows these concepts flow from the stuff they’ve already covered - Sam and Dean need me, nope that’s not it, I know this situation as it is inside your head and I am not scared to tell you what you’re thinking. That you hate being treated like this. You hate treating YOURSELF like this. I know who you love (and, incidentally, I’d know that you said already that you love all the Winchesters, because hi I’ve been inside your head so there’s nothing I don’t know). I know that there’s some secret that makes me drop my voice to a conspiratorial whisper to tell you that I know who you love, even though it’s just you and me awake in this whole wide Empty void of Nothing. Because to you it’s something deeper, something quieter, something less-spoken than anything you’ve voiced so far…

(Sidenote though - obviously it’s been voiced IN the narrative already and gets us no further than 4 years ago and “he’s in love…. with humanity!” etc because that entire build up was ENORMOUS and built up to the pay off… of what we got in 10x01-3, which obviously did not make Destiel canon or Cas’s feelings any clearer than a wistful comment about finding love on earth and wanting to stay, and then Cas left anyway and people were upset that Cas had left right when Dean seemed to be remotely operating his own feelings again and briefly had a moment of clarity to ask Cas to stay apparently in his room on his bed so look at how that has all carried on since season 10 and remember that I’m just analysing, not predicting, but also I have fandom deja vu about Cas’s feelings re: being so obvious they can be seen from space while he pines naked in bed for Dean, and then a big old kick back where everyone was furious he left with Hannah and Destiel is dead and Cas doesn’t love Dean any more >.>)

- and then the Empty says that he knows what Cas FEARS, why Cas keeps leaving, backing off, running away, taking on missions, doing things to protect Sam and Dean from afar because he can’t be with them, has to return Dean’s mixtape and go nobly fall on a sword. Because he’s SCARED about his feelings. Because he can’t be sure Dean WANTS him, only that Sam and Dean need him. He’s been literally given the Winchester Family Invitation on embossed paper with gold leaf, been through a couple of rounds of sacrificing for them - plural, Mary included - and them standing up for him and willing to die to protect him. He should not fear rejection from the family. He shouldn’t fear that his own feelings for them are not returned in full if it is about being a part of the family. At the end of season 11 Dean offered him being the 3rd Winchester brother (sorry Adam) on a plate as well, and Cas still looked unhappy and uncertain.

This all ties into ALL of Cas’s arc for years and years, ever since 7x17, when he re-started his continuous time on the show with a brief Destiel recap and his struggles have all been continuous and with good continuity. His guilt about killing all the angels and damaging Heaven (made worse/freshly relevant with the angel fall spell but was caused by his angst about Godstiel, that he brings up in 8x08), his sense of belonging or not which really starts getting hammered home after he becomes human and loses his wings, so he’s more dependant on a home, and also after he’s been more and more often exiled or treated like shit by Heaven to make it clearer that if he is ever going to have a good sense of home again, the one on Earth is the kinder option, even for all the trouble he goes through for Sam and Dean.

And his feelings for Dean, which are NOT a random subtext thing but seriously power much of his drama. 8x17 starting with him having to kill a thousand Deans. Or how he and Dean are linked by going through Purgatory together and the emotional revelations that came out there - that Dean wouldn’t leave without Cas but Cas didn’t think he deserved it, which ties up all his “general” arcs into the romantic one. That he deserves to be in Purgatory for what he did to Heaven, but that it will hurt Dean to do it. That he’s been self-punishing for Dean’s sake to keep him safe so that he can escape. Cas sacrifices for Dean again and again and in the end walks him to the portal and shoves him through it without attempting to follow because of how he feels; the romantic arc is intrinsic to his actions.

Season 9 builds up Cas trying to restore Heaven and take down Metatron, but Metatron sows discord among Cas’s followers for Cas’s loyalty to Dean. They test it. He loses his followers. Metatron mocks and delights in Cas’s choices and his weakness for Dean. He tells Cas that his weakness WAS Dean in 9x23, without the “love” comment. And that Dean is dead. Cas fights back anyway, even against hope of losing Dean.

In season 10, Cas’s arc is loosely that he’s adrift but will help those who need him - Hannah, Claire and of course Dean. Or Sam finding Dean. He pines and hangs on and gets compared to post-break up Crowley and in the main story his role is simply to be devoted to Dean, to want to save him, to be part of the family that would sacrifice and die for Dean. And an important link in the loose prophecy Cain gives Dean about his nearest and dearest of Crowley, Cas and Sam - each one a magnitude worse than the previous to hurt. 10x22 has Cas make that speech about how he’d be there with Dean at his side in horror as Dean murdered the world but he couldn’t kill him, he can only ask him to stop. Dean attacks and rejects him and for his troubles Cas gets turned into a mindless attack dog, a symbol of how he had been feeling all along, just doing these things for the Winchesters without being certain of his place in the family or his feelings being returned. In season 11 these last 2 points are the first of the PTSD flashbacks he gets about his recent treatment as he falls into deep depression and worthlessness, and the fact of his place in the family is a part of it - not that it can be cured by Dean finally telling him what he wants to hear, and for him to be all better as soon as he knows he’s loved. But it’s one of the factors causing it, and one of the reasons Cas got sucked along with the season 10 bad decisions and one of the reasons Cas has been isolating himself, and now begins the pattern of sacrificing himself too, in 11x10 where he says yes to Lucifer after being assured by everyone he meets that day that he’s just a useless tool. Except Dean, of course, but misunderstandings abound so there’s our read of Dean’s intention and our read of how Cas might have taken their parting. In any case, Cas manages to sacrifice twice in a row for the same possession in 11x14 too, now specifically for Dean. From there, the possession arc becomes laughably about Destiel in 11x18 and 11x21, and Dean’s focus on it in the in between episodes.

And in season 12, of course, now we get the repeated theme of Cas leaving because he doesn’t feel he belongs, and his sense of not belonging and duty power together his search for Lucifer, which turns into the search for Kelly which turns into what happens with Jack in 12x19, but all that of course is because he’s been the one feeling responsible for the Lucifer arc, and whichever point you pick to start that from it goes back to 11x10 and his decision there, made for the same reasons he does everything in season 12, but with more loops of talking about family and where he belongs and Dean trying to reach across the gap but not finding the right words. The fact that after 12x12 Cas still feels he has to be the Winchesters’ guardian shows that they have not been able to reach the part of him which will be able to comfortably call them home no matter how much they feel he belongs there.

For years and years and years this has been what Cas fears. When the Empty tells him he’s surrounded by all the thousands of dead angels, Cas looks around in utter horror, knowing that he’s responsible for them. Check one on his fears, openly expressed. The Empty mocks his attempt to say that Sam and Dean need him, as a bad reason to return, a hollow reason, and Cas’s fear is that they ONLY need him for what he can do, that they’d find a way to wake him up and get him back JUST because they NEEDED him for something. That he would claw his way back to life just to be used for some reason or another that is troubling them and that they can’t solve without calling in Cas to fix it and protect them. And then. His hates, loves and fears. Cas’s love for Dean in the most terrifying thing he has. He’s destroyed so much because of it. Rebelled because of it. Lost his faith because of it. Been dragged through things far worse than Hell and back because of it. And Dean won’t clarify his feelings for Cas, won’t speak in plain English and explain what he means, what Cas means.

And in 13x03 he clarifies to Sam that Cas in particular is why he is in so much turmoil, and Cas wakes up. And faces the Empty mocking his feelings and pointing out his fears. That there is “nothing for you back there” despite all the gestures of home and family that have ever been offered to him. (And this sounds so much like the line in The Two Towers where Elrond is telling Arwen there’s nothing for her here, trying to convince her to LEAVE Middle Earth rather than be with Aragorn and die as a mortal.)

But Cas takes this and all the reminders of his failures and the horrific things that have happened to him, and he stands up and confronts the Empty, which is essentially the bad voice in his head, the depression, and all his fears and doubts, and tells it to stuff it and send him back. He realises whatever happened to him, the reason he’s awake has already given him the chance to reject the Empty trying to make him give up and go to sleep, and that he has been given another chance to fight. Not to reject everything the Empty says and have hope, but to fight and fight and fight. And be given another chance.

And that the confrontation involved a reminder that Cas has this secret love, that it covered all the reasons Cas has been brought down to this lowest point, is mirrored in the much *less* Destiel scene in 13x05 where Billie and Dean talk and Dean only mentions in passing that he couldn’t save Cas as part of the reason he’s given up, although of course the weight of everything else around it that built it all up and explained why (and his clarification that woke Cas up in 13x03) obviously makes it mean more than it might sound on the surface. But Cas’s confrontation with the Empty contains *all* of that that I just rambled about because it’s a Castiel, this is your life, moment, and the power of it is picking all the right words to express *everything* Cas has been through and why, and that includes his entire romance with Dean, and, sadly, what it has done to him to pine and feel unrequited all this time. In 10x01 when he’s lying in bed missing Dean, we have an emotionally similar scene but to much less dramatic effect, much less clarity, and distilling down the reasons. It’s mired in a lot of random context, and it is only really symbolically what this scene was pretty much directly.

In the end of 13x05 Cas calls Dean and it’s silent but we know what it means to Dean. We have silence on Cas’s side of things - obviously the ball is in Dean’s court there on the emotional POV - but when we get Cas back, in 13x06, he is in *no way* “k, bye”

I think the scenes have been fairly balanced in POV, with Cas explaining what happened to him from his perspective when he gets back when talking about the Empty and his line about annoying the Empty is nonsense to out of context ears but means a lot to us and Cas. The hugs being used to contrast Sam and Dean’s reactions, with Sam not knowing what to do but Dean saying “i do” and swooping in on Cas.

Remember, we have been inside Cas’s head, we’ve seen all his little feelings. We know what has brought him back, and why, and to what dramatic narrative purpose this serves - Dean’s grief about Cas being a 5 episode arc which ended up going right into a lowest point of Dean’s much longer personal arcs about loving Cas and how he feels about the job and family, and Cas’s much much longer ongoing personal arc, currently now starting a new chapter after reaching the lowest point in a story about once again passing through an afterlife to rebirth. But he accepted he would still have these issues, that he was only coming back to fight, that he wasn’t coming back because “Sam and Dean need me”…

And for most of this reintroduction scene he doesn’t know that they didn’t do something to bring him back. Sam and Dean are stunned and Cas talks matter of fact about how they got back. Cas doesn’t know they’re reacting in complete and utter mystification. He doesn’t know how long he was gone, just that Dean thinks it’s too long. He has this conversation about where he was and what the Empty is like while clearly baffled about their intent and why Sam is asking these questions, until he says “I thought you had done something” and looks at Dean with realisation that they had genuinely thought he was dead and gone and not coming back and they had no clue - this is the first time he can look at them without wondering what they did, if there’s a price on their heads for doing it to him, etc. He no longer has to be concerned about them.

But it’s not just that. It’s that now he knows “Sam and Dean need me” is NOT the reason he was brought back. He called them up probably expecting to be thrown into their next big drama, something they’re overwhelmed with that only Cas can help them with, that he wasn’t just calling them because he’s getting back in touch with his family but that he’s going back into the battle. For them. To protect them or do something for them that they can’t do.

And instead he learns that Jack did it to him, and Sam and Dean aren’t responsible, and all they did was come to collect him and take him *home*. And the big drama he gets thrown into? Jack has found them a case in Dodge City and Dean is *delighted* to go play cowboys with Cas. Cas, freshly back from the dead, suddenly has Jack - a whole new set of issues, maybe, but at least the two of them on a personal level have a positive emotional connection that they both care about each other, though the levels of Jack needing a new guardian angel strike me as bad in the bigger picture, it’s good for Cas to have more people who care about him, and for Dean to proudly label their new family and for this sense of belonging to be automatically placed on them.

I mean Cas’s head is probably spinning, given the issues he confronted, and then going back AGAINST ALL HOPE. That there was nothing for him back on Earth, just this struggle where he was going to go back to the Winchesters for whatever they needed him for, because he loves them, because he loves Dean, but deep down he has fears and secrets that have been messing with how he interacts with them. Have been screwing up everything for him, over and over.

And then he gets dragged on a case where Dean’s a great fluffy ball of sunshine even when he’s an angry sleeper, somehow, and all he asks of Cas is to make some coffee, and wait for him to be alert enough to hang out with him, at which point he continues being utterly gleeful and playful, and Cas is beginning to relax, to wear the cowboy hat, to quote the movie at Dean, to feel comfortable at his side, playing along being a cowboy, saying all the ridiculous lines like howdy partner etc as they walk onto the crime scene. Cas has FUN with Dean. FUN. CASTIEL, ANGEL OF THE LORD, HAD FUN. He was acting PLAYFUL.

And even when he’s being asked what his fake agent name is, he panics because this is all seeming a bit dangerous to keep playing around, he looks to Dean, Dean nods like it will all be fine and Cas says he’s Val Kilmer, and it works. Being playful never hurt anyone. Dean is DELIGHTED. Cas passes the test. This is all GREAT. Look at how few enormous burdens are on them! Sure things suck out in the wider scheme of the world, but nothing is currently actively trying to destroy it…

This episode didn’t really have a directed POV on all the Destiel stuff because it was just the two of them existing in the same space. Most of the specific pointless (I say, to the main plot anyway) character beats were stuff between Cas and Dean. The hats. The coffee. The music. Even Jack asking Cas about how much Dean likes cowboys. Things that don’t really advance the story but we get silly things like Dean throwing Cas the gnawed hipbone or whatever. No one else is interacting like Dean and Cas interact. Sam and Jack have some interesting stuff going on, but they aren’t commanding a room when they’re in it.

Like… I don’t *just* ship Destiel because they have interaction I like. I ship it because when they’re in a room, the writing itself supports that the two of them become the most important thing in it to each other. Dean lurks in the background of the Cas and Jack hug, while Sam disappears. Dean stands by Cas in the confrontation with Jack at the end of the episode - they’re on the same side. They’re together. There’s a *link* between them.

I really feel like people seeing Cas as dismissive and strange this episode instead of immediately picking up on Dean’s Cowboy Thing as a callback to 6x18 (whether he can hear the music or not, but personal interpretation, yes), and the query by Jack, the car conversation about them watching Tombstone together, is more reminders, more links between Cas *specifically* and Dean’s interest in cowboys. Cas’s face and his teasing is the same mood as “is it customary to wear a blanket” or telling Dean he looks like a lumberjack. Cas does not tease people very often. And it’s pretty much been Crowley a couple of times dismissively and Dean 3 times lovingly. And about his clothes. And 2/3rds of the time about cowboys. It’s a Thing.

I am just full of stunned love this episode for the way Dean and Cas act around each other, the comfort, the teasing, the absolute knowledge of each other. The things they share off screen and on screen. Cas always expresses less than Dean does, but this episode Cas willingly impersonated a cowboy for an entire 10 seconds while in Dean’s presence, quoted a movie at him, and sucked it up and used his ridiculous alias Dean told him to, while wearing the hat Dean made him wear. Cas loves Dean like the sun comes up in the morning. Maybe someone will be upset Dean messes with Cas and makes him do all this stuff, but this is Castiel Fucking Winchester who scowled down the Empty. I think he could stand up for himself about a straw hat :P

Anyway… tl;dr if that was my post you were thinking about, PLEASE do not interpret it as saying one of them always has to be pining. Sometimes they are just in love. Sometimes there doesn’t seem to be a narrative reason for it, and we just kinda enjoy the nonsense while another story - Jack’s story - is building up elsewhere. Dean and Cas’s interaction is a character-based subplot on its own, and it’s delightful right now. They can have issues again later, but between Sam saying “Jack” in the opening and the horrible end to the shoot out, Dean n Cas weren’t really doing anything other than enjoying each other’s company. And all the stuff that might have made it bad got swept away with the reveal Jack resurrected Cas, not Dean. Cas is temporarily (permanently hopefully) off the hook for being the angel that watches over them.

I mean it’s so not over, we’re 6 episodes in and all their pre-existing angst is just waiting to kick off again and never entirely *gone*, but this episode was weirdly peaceful for Dean and Cas. And they needed it. And I just do not understand at ALL people reading Cas as being dismissive and distant when he played cowboys with Dean.

#Asks #angels are watching over you #13x06 #destiel #caaas #long post for ts #my stuff

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