#feels like I’ll never get the closure I’m craving and I’ll just have to try to let it all go as if we never had a history

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[denimbex1986]

'If All of Us Strangers managed to reach inside you and grab at that gooey centre, then I’m genuinely truly happy it did. It’s special to have a film that you’ve connected with, especially enough to make you cry, and I understand when your relationship with a film is strong enough to make you resistant to criticism. I don’t believe a film being about sensitive issues absolves it of criticism, though, and I will criticise, so you’ve been warned.

All of Us Strangers is a film about loneliness. Our protagonist Adam is a gay man living in London alone, with no friends, no partner, and no family. He is still heavily grieving the loss of his parents to a car crash when he was twelve. We have clichéd circumstances already, but that’s not my main issue at all. If the exploration of Adam’s grief wasn’t addressed so heavy-handedly, I would be more forgiving of this basic premise.

The thing is, Haigh is afraid you’re going to forget the film is about loneliness. Many scenes deal too transparently with the fact that Adam has been practically alone his whole life. “I can’t even begin to imagine how lonely you must have been”, Harry says to Adam after learning of his deceased parents. This line, in essence, encapsulates the film. Adam’s loneliness consumes him to the extent that he can’t connect with others. Later, his ghost-mother remarks how being gay is “a lonely kind of life”. Adam replies, “If I am [lonely], it’s not because I’m gay. Not really”, reminding us again how lonely he is. It’s an engaging concept on paper: the specific loneliness that comes with being gay, paired with the loneliness of losing parents at a young age, but there’s a lack of trust in the viewer’s ability to understand obvious themes, which produces dialogue that feels clunky, dramatic, and wholly unrealistic.

In this, Haigh loses the subtlety that All of Us Strangers so badly craves. There’s nothing abstract about Haigh’s vision; it’s as if he’s frightened of being unobvious, of allowing for interpretations. And I don’t mean the practical interpretations of whether or not Adam is hallucinating, seeing ghosts, etc. I mean emotional interpretations; the script is emotionally manipulative to the viewer. Characters say exactly what they feel when they feel it, which in turn means viewers are being told exactly what to feel and when, instead of the film working to elicit emotions naturally. It’s over-reliant on delivering emotional beats and the predictability of this becomes arduous. Andrew Scott might as well have broken the fourth wall several times just to let the audience know they should be sad at this part, by the way.

All of this builds to a resolution that is undeserved. And here’s where I’ll get a bit more spoiler-y, so tread carefully. All of Us Strangers purports to be a queer story but ultimately falls victim to the over-used trope of gay tragedy. We are told that Adam, having finally gained closure for his parents' death through their ghostly hallucinatory presence, is a lot more mentally unwell than we previously thought. He is lonely, yes, but he is also sick, guilty, and not at all on the road to recovery like viewers would have assumed — completely undermining his journey up until this point.

There’s a trauma-porn element to the plot twist, a question of how much more this man can go through, can suffer. I would never argue that it should have ended happily, or that gay characters must always be happy and sane because that’s antithetical to storytelling as a whole. But I question what the film was trying to demonstrate about this experience, about this loneliness brought on through guilt and grief. Adam is not a good nor a bad person, he is a character built on his delusions, living in a world separate from others, the only true character in the story. But unlike similar cinematic characters, his illusion has a sense of meaninglessness. Suddenly, through this plot twist, the trauma Adam has spent the duration of his arc processing isn’t even the point of the film. It’s rendered purposeless in the face of a deeper, darker delusion.

What struck me when thinking about this was the lost story thread of Adam’s screenplay, which is swallowed by the developing plot and never revisited. Is Harry a character in it, too? He was originally writing about his parents, which prompted him to fall into his mind and fantasise about them in the first place. It’s not good criticism to think of what could have been instead of focusing on what’s there, but I can’t help but feel cheated out of a story connecting Adam’s grief and coping mechanisms to his desire to create. An artist forcing himself to process trauma for his art, to assemble fake realities to right the desolate world he resides within. The film had room for additional exploration of this theme (or any other theme, really), but it gets so wrapped up in its commentary on loneliness and the twist that it forgets to generate any other ideas.

For all my complaints and dislike of All of Us Strangers, all performances are fantastic, and Haigh sure knows his way around a camera. The scene in the nightclub is electric, dizzying, with bursting neon light. A scene of Adam alone on the London tube is harrowing; reduced to a child again, alone, lost, and afraid. When Adam first sees his father’s ghostly figure across a field, there’s a genuine sense of unease and peril. Scenes without dialogue stun with their keen eye for light, space, and movement. There is an originality hiding in All of Us Strangers, lost to the sparsity of its message and the hollowness of its emotional centre.'

[antixs]

Long time, no see

This is a rant btw. I feel so negative and angry towards myself and others. I feel like everyone hates me aka my coworkers who are like my only friends. I had this big goal of moving to Utah and working as a ski bum and I am here doing just that and now what??? I feel stuck and there's nothing else to look forward to. I'm terribly sick and I am convinced my emotional health is making it worse. I need emotional support and I feel I am lacking it. I moved away from all my support systems and completely isolated myself. The universe keeps throwing me challenges one after the other. I feel like I am not handling them well and I can't seem to get a grip. I am trying so hard to take care of myself. I was doing so much better alone in a hotel room. I feel like I haven't found my people and they are judging me. I stand out and I’m kinda over it. I came here so grateful and kind and I have lost it in the process. I have turned into a miserable, emotional, pity party. Who would want to be surrounded by that? I know I wouldn't. I love myself but I am lacking self love. I thought I found it but I think I am just faking it or I lost it somewhere along the way. I need people, I’ll admit it. I need people who accept me and love me. People who are like me and relate to me. People who will tell me as it is and stand up to me. I think I am getting sicker cause I am scared to go back to work and face these people. I seem desperate and clingy and needy. That is unattractive and I know that. But when everyone around me has people and I feel so alone how can I not cling to everyone. I am currently sleeping in a 10 year olds bedroom in a mormon house lol I am so grateful she opened her doors for me. But this isn't what I was expecting and this journey is harder than I anticipated. I cannot seem to stop the negative self talk and it is eating me alive. I do not know how to fix my situation. I do not have a place of my own. I do not have people to rely on. I know I need to just work on myself but that shit is hard. I am such a people pleaser and I want to be liked and adored so bad. I think isolating myself with new people for my birthday really hurt. Especially when people don’t respond to my texts. I feel like I pour so much love out to everyone and it isn’t returned but why should it be lol. I should be pouring that love into myself. I think I want to be loved and validated so bad I will do anything at this point, and that is sooo desperate. At least I am self aware lol. I never envisioned my 23 birthday to be laying in bed sick with no one (but luckily my one friend Val who is amazing) responding. I feel hurt and genuinely sad. I try to be such a nice person and considerate to others feelings and I feel like people dont take my feelings into consideration. Maybe this is me just continuing to be a pity party but I am hurt and I do not know how to cope. I figured journaling my thoughts would bring me some closure and maybe it did. I don’t know where to turn. I just want to be cared for and I do not know how to ask for that. I wish I could be independent actually and not just fling myself across the states on a whim just to feel alone and miserable lol. Hopefully this release of emotions will set me free. I am also angry...soooo angry. Angry at everyone around me and myself. I love myself but I wish others loved me too. Why do I crave the love and validation of others so much?? Is it because for the first time I am alone entirely. Yes I have made friends but they are so fresh and new. I feel like I am just unloading my emotional baggage on them and I do not know how to just STFU. I wish I could stop oversharing and talking all the time. Maybe that's a gift but I can sense I am driving the people around me away from me. Maybe I am not and this is all in my head. I need to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are busy and dealing with their own shit. They don’t have time to think about Emily and her stupid little emotions. This is the ADHD taking over. I am all over the place and I never know when to hold my damn tongue. This is turning into self hatred but at least I am getting it out. I want to be better, be more positive, be more productive, be more free. What is freedom. The option of doing whatever I want, whenever I want. The best piece of advice I got was for every action you take, there is a consequence whether that be positive or negative, I just have to accept the consequences for my actions. I high key am clinging onto this dude who prob isn't even worth it but he offered me the tiniest bit of nurturing and I needed that so bad. Someone who is looking after me and checking in on me and wants to help me. That is so hot. I feel like I fucked things up, but whatever if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be. But fuck I want it to be so bad. I can't stand being alone and I just want a romantic interest. I do not feel independent. Okay actually I am just putting myself down. I am fully capable of taking care of myself, of meeting all my own needs, of loving and validating myself, and I will attract the right people this way. I am radiating love and light and independence. People will be attracted to me and the right people will find their way into my life. I am worthy of love and respect and I will only accept those who return the same energy. I am an amazing person who is incredibly strong and independent. Bitch you packed up all ur shit on ur own and moved to a new state to start a new job ALONE. You should be incredibly proud of yourself and celebrate this win. Everyone else I met came here with another person. I am the only one I know who came here completely alone. THAT IS FUCKING BRAVE, if you ask me. I am a brave woman who isn’t afraid to take risks and that needs to be celebrated. I am so strong and I can do anything I put my mind to. I can perceiver through anything. I am just hitting a rough patch and I know things are going to get better. I have a positive outlook on the future and I have the courage and strength to change my situation. I am not in control, I am just rolling with what the universe throws at me. I can tackle anything anyone throws my way. I no longer need to depend on others, such as my parents or Alex, for anything. I am fully capable as a 23 year old woman of taking care of it myself. I am housed. I am fed. I am financially secure. I am alive. I have an amazing job. I have amazing coworkers. I am profoundly lucky for this opportunity and I am incredibly grateful for it. There are people who are jealous and dream of what I am doing, but I made it happen for myself. I will learn to love myself. I will learn to love being alone. I will learn to enjoy my own company. I will learn to hold my tongue and share things only with those who I feel comfortable with and at the right time. I will  channel my energy in productive ways. I will work on my anger in a healthy way. I will take care of myself. I will nurture the body I was given and cherish the opportunity I have here on Earth. I will grow and transform. I will be the person I dream of. I am everything I need. I have all the tools in my possession and I will start using them. I love myself and I am grateful for all the universe and God has provided for me. Thank you to everyone in my life. Thank you to Mother Earth. Thank you to my friends and family. Thank you for my job. Thank you for freedom!!!

[druggeddraccus]

i never post reviews anymore because i hate doing it and i’ll say one thing and forget another. and i always do a piss poor job of trying to get my thoughts across but also i crave content from this book and i want to know others thoughts. so yeah. i don’t take my thoughts seriously and neither should you lol

I definitely favored “Last Night at the Telegraph Club” but this one was very good. Aria was able to find comfort and acceptance in both her family and her friends. Steph and Aria together were sweet and the prose and comparisons were beautifully done (mostly—at one point there is a description of “salt water oyster” which i just cannot get past). Idk this book just felt very nostalgic for something i have never had in my own life (summer flings, gay community, loving/accepting grandparents, etc etc) SPOILERS

1) cheating

1) cheating

2) was Steph and Lisa’s relationship emotionally abusive? The way Mel tip toed around the discussion about them and the way Steph would drop what she wanted for Lisa without seemingly much guilt from Lisa.

but then also with Steph—lisa clearly had something to worry about and be jealous of even if she was going about to the wrong way (keeping steph away from the band and friends) Steph did cheat on her

Like i’m reading into it but idk it just gave me the feeling that Steph was looking for a way out especially when she had that conversation with Joan over their shared lunch. I just kinda wish that was brought forth more. I can also understand why it was kept ambiguous

3) they (Aria and Steph) just kinda seemed to use each other when they did start their physical romance not to say that it’s wrong. but they used each other for comfort and part of that i think was due to the cheating—they were not and were never given the chance to establish a proper relationship between themselves

and like at the end it’s pretty clear they haven’t seen each other in 10yrs and it’s not going to change anytime soon so it was just meant to be a summer fling. a small moment in time.

but i do wish the epilogue showed more of how they each affected the other and their outtake in life. we got a bit of closure with aria but nothing about steph. idk in that way i’m mostly just wanting more of their story. more to read.

[bigassheart]

I’ve seen a couple posts about how everyone was wildly out of character and totally inconsistent this season and I’m just like... were you guys paying attention? 

1. Luther

Arguably the biggest shift in character between the two seasons, but it makes sense. Luther spent a year fending for himself and thinking his entire family was dead. 

This is the first time in his life that he had to hold down a job and actually live on his own. It was literally his first time living out in the world among anyone other than his family, and you can see in his reactions with the other characters from that life (the boss, his landlord, those kids that idolize him, and the waitress) that it has really mellowed him out. It has allowed him to be more normal, despite being very much not normal. You can see the way he’s so much more comfortable in his skin. Literally the only times he looks uncomfortable is when he’s fighting people, shirt off and body on full display. He’s still not comfortable with that, but he’s not trying to hide under huge overcoats anymore. He has people in his life who accept him for being a little weird, but really do treat him normal. 

So is he a little less uptight and mission focused? Yeah. Because he can finally see another life, and it’s the life that he honestly did want in season 1 but felt like he couldn’t have because he was number 1 and he had a responsibility to his dad, his family, and the academy to be the leader. Having a year on his own frees him of all that. 

But he also spent all that time thinking his family was dead and feeling so guilty about it. You can see in his very first interaction with Vanya, where he suddenly feels that responsibility again. He brings a gun, not knowing what’s going to happen and, despite what he told Five, he absolutely does still have that lingering feeling of responsibility. But then he sees Vanya and she’s not a threat and everything he has been holding in for the last year comes out. Because he does feel guilty as hell for what he did to Vanya, but also for the fact that his actions pushed her into causing the apocalypse. He spent a year with the knowledge that he did that and thinking that his family was dead because of his actions. 

He’s willing to listen now because he spent a year living in a world where his actions killed his whole family. And now he finds out that that didn’t happen and he has a second chance. Of course he’s going to take it! 

2. Diego

In the first season, Diego finally admitted that he wanted to be close to his family and that he cared about them and wouldn’t leave them again. He confronted the guilt about leaving, which he had previously denied. He realized the difference between revenge and honoring someone’s memory. But despite all that, he never confronted the reason why he, a grown-ass-man, wandered around the city as a leather clad, mask wearing vigilante. 

So when we see Diego show up in 1963, that’s still who he is. He wants to be that hero and he finds an answer for how to be that hero in the first several minutes that he’s there. So he takes it. I mean, what else is he going to do? His family is gone. Maybe they’ll show up again. Maybe this is it. Either way, he’s on his own like he was before, so he’s got a duty to be the hero he has chosen to be. 

And then he meets his dad again. Everyone keeps telling him he has daddy issues, and they’re right. He absolutely has daddy issues. He’s still trying to simultaneously prove that he’s good enough for his dad, but also doesn’t need Daddy’s approval. Except he does need it. He still desperately craves it and he feels gutted when his dad denies him that approval, even falling back into the stutter he had as a kid. 

Now, despite the way we joke, Diego is not dumb. He is so observant and he makes some of the most poignant statements about his siblings and the way they see the world. He sees the people around them and he understands them, but he has never been able to completely turn that gift inwards and see those same things in himself. In this season, Lila breaks through all that and he finally sees himself in her at the end. 

“Do you know how hard it is to trust people when your whole childhood was bullshit manipulation? Then why would you do that to me?”  

Diego sees himself in Lila, in her failure to break away from her mother despite the fact that he knows she wants to. In the final episode, he sees that she is just like the rest of the siblings, but she doesn’t have to be. None of them have to be stuck with their daddy issues, because they have each other. They can support and care for each other. It’s the last step of the growth he started in season 1, moving beyond his tendency to define his life and his family through their father. 

3. Allison

Throughout season 1, Allison struggled with whether or not to use her powers, but it was all centered around getting back to her daughter. When she appears in 1961, that motivation is effectively removed. She thinks everyone else is dead. She thinks that she is stranded in the past and that she will never get back. She finds a group of people to support her and before long... she finds her voice again. 

It’s no coincidence that Allison’s first spoken words in the series come right after she gives Ray that pamphlet with a bunch of added notes. She finds her voice in the civil rights movement. She finds her power there. She finds a way to help change the world, to change reality, and she does it without her powers. 

This is something she struggled with through the entirety of season 1, feeling inadequate for using her powers to get what she wanted, not knowing if anything was real or earned. Now she has the chance to earn everything without those powers and she is thriving. 

And then she is forced to use her powers again. It all turns out fine, but now she’s showing off and experiencing all over again how good it feels to have power. She spent two years in a world where she was denied equal treatment, where she could be arrested and assaulted for any reason those with more power came up with. And now she feels that power... She doesn’t have to wait for people to give her respect. She can demand it. But the pain is still there, and it’s not enough to just be respected, because these people have hurt her. They almost killed her husband. They have used their power to cause pain to her and all those who look like her time and time again and now it’s time to understand what it’s like to be powerless, to be hurt and to be unable to stop it and... 

And it’s scary. It’s scary to have that much power, to see how you could become the kind of person who uses your power to hurt others. And she knows that her power has hurt people she loves and suddenly she’s right back where she started. 

Only not entirely. 

She doesn’t shy away from her powers in the final fight. She is obviously still finding that balance and I would expect this struggle to continue for her in future seasons. Power can be addicting and Allison’s power is so strong. She knows the danger there, but she also knows that sometimes it’s needed despite the danger. 

4. Klaus

Klaus is an addict. He finds obsessions to bury himself in to avoid dealing with reality. In season 1, he buried himself in drugs and booze. When he shows up in the 60′s, he finds a new drug to bury himself in: adoration. 

Klaus is so impulsive and it’s not difficult to connect the dots of how one thing leads to another until suddenly everything is out of his control. Honestly, that’s the story of Klaus’s life, no matter where he goes. And then something changes. He gets tired of his cult and leaves. Except... that’s not really the reason. 

After all this time, Dave is still the love of his life, and he knows he has an opportunity. He knows where Dave will be at this one time and he knows exactly what he has to change to keep Dave alive. 

He also knows that Ben is going to have thoughts about this. 

I know some people were disappointed that there wasn’t more Klaus and Ben bonding this season, but it makes sense that there is tension there. I think a lot of that tension comes from Ben’s circumstances, which I’ll discuss later, but Klaus is also not responding to that tension well. 

They are fighting more than ever (not that they ever didn’t fight in season 1, where they spent much of their time being snarky to each other and Ben literally punching Klaus in the face for being an asshole), but the fighting is about something new this season. Ben wants his own life and Klaus is not in a position to give Ben what he really wants. We also learn that he has been carrying around this guilt for the last 17 years about forcing Ben to stick around as a ghost. He forced this half-life on his brother and now that it’s not enough for Ben, Klaus doesn’t want to deal with it. So he avoids and deflects and snarks and we see the toll on their relationship. We see it in the way he tries to deal with his plans around Dave entirely on his own. He focuses so much into that last ditch effort. He’s already in such a low place before this, so when that fails, we see him snap. We see him give up and crumble. And Ben falls back to his old role, trying to save Klaus from himself. 

But the tension isn’t gone and Klaus’s guilt isn’t gone. We see it again when Klaus finally agrees to let Ben possess him. Klaus has always been afraid of his powers and being possessed is just as terrifying a thought as being surrounded by the dead. And yet he gives Ben that chance. It’s the last good thing he can do at that point. 

I do wish we had gotten more closure for Klaus and Ben’s story. I think Vanya’s reveal could have been given a little more time, but that’s not really a problem with inconsistent characterization, so we’ll save that for another post. 

5. Five

OK, who would argue that Five was out of character or inconsistent? He’s obsessed with stopping the apocalypse, is willing to cross a lot of lines to save his family, and constantly frustrated by his family’s failure to go along with his plans. This is textbook Five. 

What I loved about this season was that we got to see Five finally meeting his father again. They interact as two adults, not as a child trying to find away to become his own person, frustrated by a lack of trust from his father. It allows Reggie to see Five in a different light and to actually provide advice in a constructive way, something he has almost never been able to do when viewing them as his children. But despite outward appearances and despite the fact that Five is a grown man, he still sees his father the same way he always has. He doesn’t register Reggie’s advice as advice. He hears that he’s striving beyond his abilities and that maybe he can only travel in seconds. He hears his father telling him he can’t handle time travel. That’s why he doesn’t try to actually take the very good advice until the very end.  

An old dog can still occasionally learn a new trick and Five proves that true. 

6. Ben

As I mentioned earlier, Ben is chaffing at his ghosthood. Maybe it’s because Klaus has been sober enough to keep Ben around solidly for 3 years. Maybe it’s because Ben is no longer spending all his time trying to keep Klaus alive and sober. Or maybe it’s the fact that he has finally found someone that he actually wants to spend time with. Whatever the reason, Ben wants to be alive this season. 

Again, as I mentioned, that’s causing some tension. Ben doesn’t want to be tied to Klaus, but Klaus is ignoring that because he feels so guilty about it. Ben doesn’t want to admit that he was too scared to go into the light on his own, so they’re at a bit of a standstill. 

And then Ben gets the opportunity to be alive again, if only for a while. And in a lot of ways, it’s wonderful! But it’s not the same as being truly alive. 

So when the time comes, when he’s faced with that light again... he’s not afraid. He knows that it’s time to move on. He knows this isn’t where he should be, but he also got the chance to be there for his family. He misses them, but he got to talk to Diego and Vanya. He got to save Vanya. He got to save Allison and Diego and Klaus and Luther and Five and the whole world! So while he would have stayed, he’s not sad about leaving anymore, and he’s not afraid. 

7. Vanya

OK, she was a little out of character because... you know. She had amnesia. 

But aside from erasing her past, the amnesia allowed us to see Vanya without the anger and resentment that plagued her for all of season one. Vanya was always someone who was kind and loving, someone who cares enough to leave peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches out for a missing brother for years. Someone who knows the pain of not being seen and who will always take the time to truly see other people. She’s someone who wants to love and to be loved and to protect those she loves. 

That was all here, with or without the memories. And as soon as the memories came back, so did the guilt and fear about what she had done, what she had become, terrified of what was inside her in a way that she was not when her powers first surfaced. But Ben is used to being afraid of what’s inside of him. He knows she’s not a monster and is the perfect person to explain that to her. And this time around, she has experienced the love and care and attention of her siblings (and Sissy) to back up those words. That’s how she finally accepts them as truth, how she finally accepts her power as a part of her. 

Overall, there are things that I wish this season spent more time with, but there was nothing that I felt was out of character or wildly inconsistent. The characters still struggled with all the baggage from their shitty childhood, their fear of their powers, and the guilt in their past. Some struggled in new ways this season and some continued old struggles that had never fully been resolved. The season felt very different than the first, but it still felt like the Umbrella Academy. It was a good mix of new and old and a good mix of feel-good moments we have all been waiting for and frustrating and sad moments that just come with having a complicated family. I loved this season. And now, I’m going to go re-watch every episode. 

[multimetaverse]

HSMTMTS 2x09 Review

Spring Break was a bit of an odd ep but helped move some key plots forward. Let’s dig in!

Well people can no longer claim that Portwell is one sided. We finally got Gina’s pov and she starts off the ep uncertain whether the shift in their relationship means that EJ likes her but by the end of the ep she seems sure of herself and that EJ likes her back. I liked that she didn’t try to pretend that nothing had changed or that she hadn’t noticed potential signs that EJ might like her; it always sucks when tv characters act like idiots. 

Perhaps the most important reveal of this ep was that Gina has a much older estranged brother who left her and her mom many years ago. That certainly makes her backstory more tragic and is definite set up for her brother to eventually return.

The writers continue to give Portwell great tropes, capping this ep off with an airport rom-com trope that also calls back to EJ getting Gina the place ticket so she could come back in S1. Not only did Gina keep EJ’s Duke sweatshirt but she altered it to fit her better which is both sweet and bold in the assumption that it was hers to keep. Gina got her sign when not only did EJ show up to drive Gina home and take her luggage but he brought her the granola bar that she had wanted but forgot to pack. I wonder if her posting on her story that she was ubering home after her flight was cancelled was intended to see if EJ would show up since the camera focused on her posting it. Also sweet that she’s taken to calling EJ, ‘ Eej’. 

EJ’s opening was good, shows a lot of his character growth from the selfish guy he was in S1 and how he’s learned to value other people which of course leads into his feelings for Gina. We got another great use of the camera as character tonight when Gina was laughing after her facetime call with EJ until she realized that the camera was on her. 

Jack was a lot of fun. Though he didn’t really change Gina’s mind over anything like the ep description said he would.  Seemed like Gina was largely over Ricky and wondering about EJ at the beginning and the end solidified her feelings for EJ but Jack didn’t really play a role in that, it’s not like he encouraged Gina to reach out to EJ or anything. There’s a vague sense in which Jack being nomadic linked him to Ricky’s unreliability in Gina’s eyes with her craving stability but that’s a stretch. Jack mentioned that the second most dangerous part of a plane ride is when the plane takes off, a hint to the blossoming Portwell relationship where in order to take off one or both of them has to risk a confession even though they could be turned down.

This ep might seem a bit weird in hindsight. The zoom parts probably won’t age well and five years from now people might be wondering why they had Gina hang out with a manic pixie dream boy of sorts for an ep.

The path is clear for canon Portwell in the finale with EJ being Gina’s second chance at romance and her first kiss since they clearly telegraphed it out of nowhere. I’ve been impressed with the great work the writers have been doing since 2x05 to build up Portwell as a ship but also work on Gina and EJ as individual characters; they’ve been the highlight of the season so far. 

There was discourse this past week over how well or poorly Portwell has been set up. Objectively very few ships on this show get much in the way of set up or consistent writing. Redlyn and Kowie had barely any set up before getting together. Seblos had none (though in fairness that was due to Disney restrictions) and Miss Jenn and Mike Bowen didn’t have much set up either. Rini did get lots of development in S1 but that’s because they had already dated and were the main ship of the show. The show’s not really about slow burns, if Jenzzara canons in the finale they’ll count and if Rina ever got together they’d also count but neither of those ships have gotten consistent development with Mazzara not being in several eps and Gina and Ricky not even interacting for the past 3 eps. 

Is Portwell a slowburn? In a sense since they did feature quite a bit in each other’s S1 plot lines and even had a fake dating plot but it is true that they were platonic and not that close in S1 so it’s a wash. There was clear set up for romantic Portwell in 1x10 with team wonderstudies and Gina staring at EJ (which interestingly enough looked more like set up for Gina to pine over EJ). I think the main problem is that even though we saw Gina and EJ hanging out in the background we didn’t get any scenes of substance between them until 2x05. It was a mistake and there should have been some scene, like EJ and Gina commiserating in 2x03 over being single on Valentine’s Day or something like that. Hell there was even that still from 2x01 of EJ and Gina looking at each other at the piano while they were in the frame between Ricky and Nini singing and having a moment  which would have been good foreshadowing but that shot wasn’t in the ep.

Whether Tim just really wanted Portwell to be a surprise in 2x05 as a mid-season twist to throw the audience off of what looked like a Rini/Rina triangle or he was unsure as to whether he wanted to go with Portwell or if he just planned it out poorly we may never know. Regardless they’ve had great writing for 4 eps in a row now which puts them slightly ahead of the 3 eps in a row of development Rina got in S1. I’m sure if someone added up their screen time they’d find that Portwell has more screen time this season than Kowie and more screen time than Redlyn or Seblos  got in S1. 

Caswell cousins was fun and Ashlyn did in fact paint EJ’s nails. 

Set up for Seblos drama next week, it’s refreshing to see Seb being jealous over Carlos flirting with other boys that’s definitely not something you see on Disney shows.

Ricky got some healing done with his mom. Enough to cover their issues? No but this is probably the best this show is capable of. There was a brief mention of therapy sandwiched between other options which sounds more like checking off a box then setting up Ricky actually going to therapy. I noticed Lynne was smiling at odd times like when she told Ricky she knew about his breakup with Nini; whether that was poor directing or acting I don’t know. Who knows if we’ll see Lynne again. As an aside still so wild that Tim named Lynne who’s been a kinda shitty mom after his own mom who he seems to be fairly close with.

Really liked You ain’t seen nothin as a song but not a fan of the Tiktok style vid. I’ll level with you wildcats, I’m too old to really get Tiktok, it just seems like a crappy version of Vine to me. Let you go was good, seemed better fitted for Joshua Bassett’s voice than some of his previous songs. A big sign that they’re not circling back to Rini for a long time for sure. Though on that note we got a bit of a hint that Ricky was Nini’s muse which may one day come back as a way to help bring them back together. 

Looking Ahead:

If there’s only 3 weeks left till the Menkies, with only 2 weeks left for rehearsal due to spring break, it’s hard to see East High winning unless North High is disqualified or has to withdraw. 

Lily is in a promo photo so she’s likely the unexpected facetime Ricky gets which is what I had theorized. Also makes it much more likely that she’s the party crasher Ricky re-evaluates in the finale though what Tim actually wants to do with those two I do not know.

There’s little point in bringing back the Valentine’s chocolate since there’s no real stakes. Rini are already broken up, Gina hasn’t spoken to Ricky since 2x06, and it’s not like Nini and Gina were ever close so even if they stopped talking to each other it wouldn’t really affect the show in any way. 

Seems pretty likely that Second Chances refers to Gina realizing that her first try with Ricky failed but her second chance with EJ won’t and that leads to her sharing her truth and cue the Portwell confession and kiss, perhaps with an assist on EJ’s end from Mazzara. We’ve gone well past the point where Portwell can be brushed off as just a plot device to help Rina but Tim is playing with fire by getting the audience so on board with Portwell if he’s once again going to have EJ lose a girl he likes to Ricky in S3.

Gina certainly needs to talk with Ricky and I do think that happens in ep 11 or 12 and leaves them on better terms. As I mentioned last week, if Tim was smart he’d slam the door on Rina if he’s going with canon Portwell or vice versa. If he wants Rina to be a slow burn he’s really botched the writing this season, it’s been too one sided and too angsty to sustain any kind of momentum or audience interest. They haven’t even interacted for 3 eps now and not only has it not affected the show but it’s inarguably made Gina’s story line much better.  Again I don’t think he’s smart enough to not try and do Portwell and then later Rina but he’s accidentally set up the Rina story line to quite easily slam the door permanently on them by having their conversation be closure for Gina who’s moved on and an apology from Ricky who never liked her back as much as Gina liked him.

Not looking forward to seeing Nini basically live out Olivia Rodrigo’s life in future seasons

Curious to see Carlos’ apology song to Seb. Ricky helping him with it is a great way to help start redeeming Ricky’s character in the audiences eye’s. According to Matt there is a bit of a Ricky/EJ rivalry this season and if it’s really happening the sleepover would be a good place to do it though I hope it’s not about Gina. 

Until next week wildcats.

[multifandomhoodies]

Day 6: Touch Starved

Once again this borders on maybe not being whump lol.

Dinluke, far more comfort that hurt. The plot bunnies took it (as if this really has plot)

Strange Dislike

At first, Luke didn’t try to touch the Mandalorian. He always made sure to give him a wide berth, never wanting to impose. And that seemed to suit Din fine. Din didn’t live with him, he lived on his ship and kept his distance. It was fine. 

But after they got together and Luke learned more about Din’s creed, he realized that touch was allowed in Mandalorian culture. Din just did it infrequently and wasn’t used to it. Luke knew it wasn’t against his creed, so he started to be a little more open with his contact. A hand on Din’s back as Luke passed behind him in the small kitchen, a hand on his arm when Din was telling him about his past. 

It was like the more Luke touched him, the less Din wanted to be touched, or so it seemed. Din was very quiet in the force, but occasionally when Luke touched him, Din would emote, very strongly. It was a weird mix of emotions that Luke couldn’t quite parse out. It was a mix of fear, desperation, longing, and others. 

Despite this, their relationship was normal otherwise. Luke, since physical touch was primarily out of the question beyond forehead bumps, took to telling Din the things he appreciated about him. Like how Luke loved how good Din was with Grogu, how much he appreciated Din making food, the like. 

But one day, Luke forgot. He was exhausted from a long day of training with Grogu and working in the gardens. Din was standing near the stove when Luke and Grogu came in. Grogu went down for a short nap, and Luke came back into the kitchen. ��Force, that was exhausting. He’s getting much stronger.” He thunked his head lightly against the pauldron on Din’s right arm, arm snaking around his waist. Din stiffened immediately, emotions haywire. 

“I’m sure. He’s very good.” Din said, voice even, before Luke could move. But Luke was immediately awake, moving his arm and his head, taking a step back. He could feel the waves of desperation pouring off of Din. 

“Din.” Luke said quietly. Din looked over at him slowly. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“It’s. Fine. You have nothing to apologize for.” Desperation leaked heavily through the Force. 

Luke took a risk. “I can feel your emotions in the Force. Not always. They’re just really powerful right now. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” 

Din set down the spatula, turning the food off. He was shaking. “No one’s touched me in years.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Luke, I’ll say it again. You have nothing to apologize for. I’m just not used to people touching me.” 

“Is it good or bad?” 

“Both.” Din’s voice quieted to a whisper. “Good, because I want it. Bad, because I want it. And once I have it, I’ll always want it.” 

That explained things. The fear, the desperation, the longing. Luke reached for Din’s hand, slowly, giving him time to pull back. But Din let him take it. His hand shook under Luke’s gentle touch even through the glove. 

“Ba?” Grogu chose that moment to toddle in. Din pulled his hand back, and Luke stepped back, giving Grogu room. He did the “up” arms at Din, who scooped him up. “We’ll talk about this later.” Din said, turning back to the stove. 

After dinner, after Grogu had had his books read to him and was settled down for the night, Din and Luke sat on the bed in Luke’s room, not touching but close. Din began removing pieces of his armor, vibroblade boots first, leg wrap, thigh plates, working from his boots up. Luke helped, Din showing him how to undo the hidden closures on his armor. Din’s chestplate was removed until all that remained was the helmet. Luke pulled out the strip of an old robe, tying it around his eyes, scrunching it to get it to fit right. 

“You can’t see anything?” Din sounded concerned, but Luke shook his head.

“No, I can’t see anything. I wouldn’t lie to you. I know how important this is to you.” 

Din’s fears were assuaged. Luke listened for the soft metallic noises of Din removing his helmet. The soft click of the seals and the slight woosh and the metal sound of it being placed gently on the dresser. The fabric sounds of Din taking off his flight suit came after. The bed dipped as Din sat back down. 

“You’re going to have to go slowly.” Din said. His voice was far softer without the modulator. Luke turned to him, finding his bare hand. He pressed it to his lips. Din made a quiet noise, and Luke felt his feelings spike again. 

“It’s okay, love.” Luke whispered against his palm. Din started to tremble. “Sshh, it’s alright.” Luke gently touched the top of Din’s head, carding through the curls. Din wheezed out a breath. “Luke, Luke.” 

“Is this okay?” Luke asked, moving his hand back. 

“Give me a second, please.” Din inhaled, trying to get his racing heart under control. It wasn’t just the physical touching, it was the absence of the touch of the armor that he knew by heart. Luke waited patiently beside him, close enough that Din could feel his body heat. Din nodded after a minute, then realized Luke couldn’t see him. “You can go ahead.” 

Luke’s touch was soft, but it almost burned. Din partly wanted to shrink away from it, it was a constant feedback of touchmuchtoomuchtoomuch, but at the same time, he wanted it all over, wanted to be drowning in it. He knew why he’d put this off so much, why he’d denied himself this simple touch. He didn’t like touch because he knew he’d crave it. Luke’s warm body was pressed against his, just being a point of contact. Luke cupped Din’s cheek with his hand, and Din turned to look at him. His expression was soft, reverent, almost, but with some thinly veiled concern. “Are you sure you’re alright? We can stop.”

Din nodded. The veiled concern got a little more clear. “Talk to me, please.”

“Just overwhelmed.” Din choked out. 

“Do you want me to stop?” Luke asked. 

Din shook his head. “No. It’s a lot but it’s good.” 

“Hey, will you breathe with me for a second?” Luke shifted, moving his hand from Din’s face to resting on his chest. Din pushed down all the feelings whirling around to focus on the way Luke’s ribs pressed against his side with his breathing. He closed his eyes, focusing on the movement and making his match. The touch burned a lot less, and his shaking got a little lighter. Maybe this was something he’d never get used to, after a lifetime of flight suits and full beskar armor. It had the potential to be too much, but right now, it was alright. 

[yemilnisu]

FIRST LOVE PT.2

Synopsis: bumping in to your ex at a dark alley right when you just got back in town. is this a sign from the universe for him to get back to you?

Pairing: tsukishima x fem!reader

Genre: angst, fluff if you squint hard enough

Word Count: 2.4K

「part 1」

nisu entries:

since y’all asked for part 2 here you go! i would like to thank @iis4d for helping me make this and for the plot. i added few more details to it. and i would like to say that you’re one of the sweetest person i met here🥺♥️ i really enjoyed making this so I hope you guys will too!

“How many times have I told you to stay the hell away from her,” someone growled then you heard a loud thud followed by a noise that sounded like someone is being punched countless of times.

You didn’t mean to eavesdrop or anything but curiosity got over and you walked through the alley where you think you heard the commotion happening. Your eyes widen as a group of men was beating up another person.

You looked around and when you saw two cops patrolling you hurriedly made your way to them. You explained to them what you saw and they quickly ran to the alley.

The group of men ran away when they heard the cops approaching and the cops ran after them, leaving you and the guy they were beating up earlier. “Oh my, God. Are you alrig- Kei?!”

You were taken aback from this unexpected occurrence of you suddenly bumping in to your ex, when you literally just got back in town. It has been more than 4 years since the both of you met and it was the day when you broke up. You haven’t been in contact with each other since then.

“Y/N?” Tsukishima exclaimed but it was more like a soft gasped because he was badly injured. You quickly helped him get up and without saying a word you put his arm around your shoulder and held his waist, so you could carry him out of that dark alley. When the both you you walked out of the alley, you called a cab.

Tsukishima just obliged due to the fact that he was beaten up and can’t complain nor make a salty remark. “To the nearest hospital,” you pleaded as you pulled out your handkerchief to wipe away the dirt and blood that was on Tsukishima’s face. He flinched at the sudden contact. “Sorry,” you lisped. You continued to wipe his face but more gentle this time.

While you were so focused on wiping his face clean. Tsukishima scanned your expression. Your eyebrows were a little furrowed as you were so concentrated on what you were doing. Your eyes reflected the streets’ lights, it looked like it were shining and it was so mesmerizing to look at. Nor he or you notice how long he was staring deeply into your eyes. For a moment, he felt his heart skip a beat.

Tsukishima glanced at the door, where you were standing and talking to the doctor who treated him earlier. He surveyed you from head-to-toe, there was this aura surrounding you. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it but he knows there was something new to you.

Is it because he haven’t seen or heard from you in a really long time.? Your style of clothing improved, not that he disliked the old one. You were more confident. He could see it from the way you stand, the way you talk and the way you walk, you were stunning as ever.

His eyes quickly avoided your direction when he saw that you were coming back inside the room. You approached him and asked, “how are you feeling now?” a worried expression was painted all over your face.

“I’m feeling fine, never been better,” given to his situation he still managed to sneak in a sarcastic comment.

“Kei,” you sternly stated. The way his name came out of your mouth, sends shivers down his spine. He forgot how serious you could get that sometimes even himself was a little frightened of you, but he would never admit it to himself.

“Besides the fact that I’m in a hospital bed and my face is all beaten up, I think I’m fine,” he sighed.

“Why would you let yourself get beaten up like this? And more importantly why did they do this to you?” you scowled. You were frustrated on why Tsukishima didn’t fight back. After a few seconds of silence, you figured that he doesn’t want to talk about it. “Uh, it’s okay you don’t have to explain anything to me.”

“No, it’s fine. I was just lost in my thoughts,” he trailed off. You seated on the couch beside the hospital bed as he was getting ready to tell you what happened. He huffed, “remember that girl I... the reason why we broke up?” He mentally face palmed himself. Why didn’t he think twice before telling you what happened. He should’ve just kept his mouth shut. He guessed that there no turning back now.

There was this awkward atmosphere all over the room. But you still managed to let out a hum for him to continue what he was saying.

“She ghosted me like no phone call, no text message no nothing. She was gone just like that. After a week, I heard a rumor that she got back with her ex. Those dudes earlier was his ex and his friends. All I wanted was an explanation. How could she left me like that? She didn’t even say goodbye or break us off. I was going to let her go, I just wanted the answer to my questions.,” he explained. You could hear sadness and frustration in his tone.

Your gaze softened as you stare at him. All he wanted from the girl was closure but in return he got ghosted and even more worse he got beaten up. You noticed a tear escaped his eyes but he quickly turned his back on you and wiped it away.

You felt bad. You know that he doesn’t deserve this, no one deserves to go through this kind of situation. He deserves to be happy, even though he broke up with you. He just wanted to be happy, to find light into this dark and cruel world. You wanted to help him and you will.

“Kei,” you softly called out. “Um I’ll give you some space,” you excused yourself and walked out of the room. You thought that this is the best thing he needs, space. So he can clear the things that’s on his mind.

You stayed at the hospital that night. You were also the one who took care of him while he was there. You know how hard his situation is, so you thought that this is the least you could do for him. Even though you guys broken up years ago, he was still someone very special to you.

“Kei, where are you going? You just got out of the hospital,” Tsukishima’s brother, Akiteru reminded as his stubborn little brother was putting his shoes on.

“I’m going to see Y/N,” he answered. “I’m gonna thank her for taking care of me and pay her back for the hospital bills,” he pondered as he closed the door behind him not even giving his brother a chance to reply.

He wanted to thank you for your kindness and consideration. You were there when he was at his darkest times. When he thought no one could pull him out of that heartbreak, but there you were, stretching your arm to help him get out of it and once again brought light into his life.

You stayed with him for the whole time he was there. You bought him food, you even baked him his favorite strawberry shortcake and everything that he needs. You were even the one who paid for his hospital bills and he felt so embarrassed that you paid for it, that’s why he wanted to see you to pay you back and maybe that’s not the only reason on why he wanted to see you again.

It was selfish but he wanted you back. He regretted ever leaving such a kind hearted person like you. He wanted another chance, another chance for the both of you. And this time he’ll make sure he will stay ‘till the end. He’ll make sure to never leave you again, to never hurt you.

He saw a U-haul parked in front of your house. His heart fluttered, does this mean your moving back here? Is this fate finally turning into his side? Is this fate telling him to shoot his shot again? That there’s still hope for the both of you?

“Y/N!” he called out when he noticed your small figure standing on the sidewalk.

“Oh, Kei! I forgot that you’ll be discharged today,” you divulged. “Sorry I didn’t help you pack up. I was a little occupied today.”

“No no. It’s fine. You already done so much,” he checked out the truck. “Are you moving back here?” he asked, trying not to sound too excited or intrigued.

You also took a glimpse of the U-haul truck behind you. “No. It’s quite the opposite...” Tsukishima was confused if you’re not moving back here and there’s a U-haul truck in front of your house, does that mean. “I’m actually moving out,” you declared.

“What?” He mused.

“There was so much going on that I forgot to mention it when we were at the hospital. But yeah, the reason why I��m back here is because I’m permanently moving out to live with my fiancé in Tokyo,” you happily announced as you reminisce when a guy was on bended knee in front of you holding a velvet box with a beautiful ring inside it.

“Huh? I mean, you have a fiancé? It’s just that- I didn’t notice you wearing a ring for the past few days,” he blurted out. Maybe you were just pranking him. You were quite a prankster when the two of you were still dating.

“Yeah, because he bought the wrong size and it needed to be adjusted since it’s a little big for my finger,” you laughed. You showed him your hand to show a beautiful diamond engagement ring on your ring finger.

He gawked at the ring as his plans came crushing down on him. His plan to get back with you, to treat you right this time.

That’s when it hit him, his plan was so one-sided. He made a plan not knowing what was going on with your life or how far you have become. He didn’t even ask if you were dating someone or not. He made a plan only thinking about his opinion.

This was the problem back then, he would only think about himself, about what would make him happy. That’s why he broke up with you because he thought he’ll be happier with that girl.

He wasn’t contented with the happiness you were giving him since you were always away. He was blinded by the amount of attention the girl gave him, the attention he craved from you. Since the girl was there for him who he thought that she will always be there but she only used him to get over her ex. In which she obviously did not ‘cause she crawled back to his ex.

And when he finally understood what happiness feels like, his happiness already found its own happiness, you already found someone else.

You didn’t mention anything to him because you were busy consoling him out of his break up. And you thought it’ll be weird to just suddenly say something about your life when he couldn’t even put his life together.

“Ah! There he is! Keiji!” you shrieked as you noticed a guy walking behind Tsukishima. As Akaashi made his way to you, you cling into his arm like a koala. He was your happiness, he was the one who helped you with every struggle you encounter, he was your yellow.

Akaashi smiled at how cute and clingy you were. He kissed your forehead. “Are you ready?”

“Of course! Oh! My parents kept asking where you were or what time you’ll arrive. It feels like they want to see you more than their own daughter!” you pouted.

“They don’t mean to make you feel that way, princess,” he chuckled at how childish you were but he still find it adorable.

“I know,” you giggled. “Oh, babe, you still remember Kei, right?” You stated as you remember the fellow was still standing right in front of the both of you.

Tsukishima painfully watched the whole exchange of how you, his world cling into another man’s arm.

“Of course,” Akaashi turned his gaze to the lad in front of him. “we played in high school, remember?” he smiled and reached out his hand to Tsukishima. In which Tsukishima returned.

Akaashi knew your past with him. He knew how broken you were when your 5 year long boyfriend broke up with you. He was also the one who witnessed you crying alone in the classroom. He stayed by your side ever since.

“Right, hehe. Babe, did you brought it?” you asked.

“I did,” he replied. He pulled something out of his pocket it was a small envelope and you excitedly grabbed it out of his grasp.

You gave it to Tsukishima. He opened it and it was what he expected it to be, a wedding invitation that is a few months away.

“Since we promised to invite each other on our wedding, there you go,” you sweetly smiled.

“Oh,” he forced out a laugh. What a terrible turn of events. It was supposed to be the other way around. He was supposed to be the one giving you an invitation to his wedding, not you. He chortled, “karma is really a bitch.”

“Huh? Did you say something?” you asked.

“I said I’m happy for the both of you and that I’m going to attend your wedding,” he lied. You clapped because you were happy that he was going. You were actually a little worried that he won’t be able to come since you thought he’ll be awkward about it.

You were happy that such a close friend of yours was able to come. Yes, before you guys dated he was the closest to a brother to you but the break up placed a gap between the two of you. Since you thought that he already moved on from your past, you took this chance to become friends with him again, to have closure.

That’s what you thought, but the truth is he never got over you. He would always feel shallow and empty after the break up. It was only covered up by the girl’s attention.

Tsukishima watched as you walked down the aisle, your hands tightly clenched on the white bouquet. He attended your wedding just take a glimpse of you walking down the aisle and wearing a white dress. Even though he wasn’t the one waiting in the altar.

[sophie-writings]

☁️ Synopsis: Being Bakugou’s ex was full of surprises, one of them being the 3 AM drunk dials on a Friday night. 

☁️ Pairing: Pro!Bakugou Katsuki x Reader

☁️ Genre: angst (?) 

☁️ Warnings: Cursing 

☁️ Note: i love breakup scenarios, especially when they hint for something else 👀 

A grunt left your throat as your phone started buzzing once again, forcing you to pause the romantic movie you were watching just seconds ago.

It was a Friday night. Usually, you'd be out with friends, getting a little intoxicated after a long week fulfilling your hero duties, but today was different. Today you were in one of your moods.

You were currently inside your apartment, wrapped in a fuzzy blanket with a hot cup of cocoa by your side, even it wasn't that cold. You just wanted to feel some kind of warmth since you were obviously craving human affection. You just wanted to stay in tonight, even if your friends were blowing up your phone for you to join their "no-guys-allowed girl's night." It was probably Mina, the one calling for the tenth time, trying to convince you to put on your most sexy outfit and join them in the nearest club. You already told her before you were staying in, but your best friend knew exactly why you were like this, and she hated the reason behind it.

A sigh of irritation escaped your lips as you reached for the phone, ready to tell Mina you were not in the mood, but the air was sucked right out of your lungs when you read the caller I.D. It wasn't Mina, but the reason why you were in such a mood in the first place.

Bakugou fucking Katsuki.

You and Bakugou used to be a thing back in U.A. and lasted a long while until your eventual breakup two months ago after nearly three years of dating.

It was his idea, of course. You loved him too much to end things off because you had to focus on your job. You'd prefer to work through things together and help each other out once the challenge because too hard for only one person to bear. You'd be there to help him get out of bed every morning, to help him with his workout schedule... with everything. But Bakugou thought differently. He wanted to do it alone. He didn't need anyone's help to achieve his goals, even if that someone was you.

But that didn't stop him from calling you whenever he had too much to drink.

Your finger hovered over the green button as you wondered if you should just accept the call, and you decided on that just seconds before it would go off.

"Hello?" Your tone was stern. You wanted to make it known you weren't in the mood for his antics. "Do you know that time it is?"

The thing is, you accepted the breakup. If Bakugou didn't want you around getting in his way "ruining" his dreams, as he said himself, then it was fine. As soon as he confirmed he didn't want to be with you anymore, you removed yourself from his life. Yes, you loved him, but you loved yourself as well, and you wouldn't bed for his attention. That's something you promised yourself.

But Bakugou? Not so much.

"At least you answered this time." His voice was slurred, as it always was whenever he attempted to communicate with you, and you could almost smell the breath of whiskey mixed with his caramel scent. "I guess it's my lucky night."

Even if he ended things, it hurt his ego when you just accepted it so quickly. You didn't cry more than a few tears when he left your shared apartment, you didn't try to call him when you got drunk, and when he asked your friends in common how you were doing, he hated that they responded you were doing so well and didn't even mention him.

You didn't know but, deep inside, Bakugou wanted you to run after him. He knew the impact he had on your life and thought you'd try a little harder than that. So, needless to say, this breakup was hard on him just as much it was hard on you.

"Very funny Bakugou, you're drunk." You deadpanned, taking a sip of your hot cocoa. You heard a grunt on the other side of the line and a bitter smile made it's way up to your features. "Give your phone to Kirishima. That'd save you some embarrassment and save me some patience."

"Why'd you act like you don't love me anymore?"

You almost choked on your drink when you heard those words through your speaker.

Typical Katsuki, making your blood boil with his words.

He wasn't lying, though. It was true you still loved Bakugou, you went through a lot together, and he was your first love and actually boyfriend. You were both a big part of each other's lives.

That's precisely why you were so angry he broke up with you over something you could have worked through together.

"Why'd you only call me when you're drunk?" You retorted back, not caring about being the bigger person, not this time.

Silence filled the other side of the line, and both of you stood like that for a long time before you decided to break the silence.

"Look, we're going nowhere with this con-" "Why did you let me go so easily like that? Didn't I matter to you?"

Oh yeah, you thought your blood was boiling before, now? You were sure you'd be getting a fever after this conversation.

"You mattered, you really fucking mattered. But you were the one leaving me because you wanted to focus on your hero job alone. I tried, okay? I really tried to help you out, but after you told me I was in your way, what did you want me to do? Run after you? Wait for you? Beg for you to not leave me?" The words spilled from your mouth before you could even grab them. It's been a while since you ranted like this to someone, and you'd never think you'd be saying this to Bakugou's face, but fate is a funny thing. "And you still matter... But I don't matter to you."

"Don't say that."

"I just did."

"That's not true, and you know it."

"Then tell me, why'd you only call me when you're like this? Drunk and out of your mind." Tears wanted to fall from your eyes, but you didn't let them, not after crying for days when he first left.

"Because this is the only way I can be honest with myself." He said, his tone getting louder, matching your own. You didn't even realize you were screaming until he did the same, and honestly, you were impressed Bakugou wasn't the first one to start the screaming competition these conversations ofter lead to.

"Bullshit..." The words came out slurred, the lump in your throat getting painful and making it harder to speak. You hated it since you knew Bakuogu knew you well enough to pick up on it.

"What if I come over so we can talk?"

"I have to be up early tomorrow-"

"Bullshit." He said, mimicking the way you cursed at him just moments ago. "Tomorrow's Saturday. You don't go out on Saturdays." He stated matter-of-factly. Damn him and his excellent memory.

"Still Bakugou-"

"It's weird when you call me that."

"Well, it's still your name." You replied. "As I was saying... I'm not sure if I want to see you."

"Well, you didn't say you didn't want to see me. That's a start." You just knew he was smirking on the other side of the line and mentally slapped yourself for the poor choice of words.

"Ugh, whatever. You can come, but you're not coming in. We'll talk outside." You finished, not giving him more space to argue.

"I used to live there, you know?" He asked, and you could pick up the sound of his keys on the other side. He was already walking out of wherever he was.

"Used." You stated. "Just... come fast, I want to go to bed."

"I'll be there in ten."

You were already regretting such a decision, but hey, maybe you'll get some closure. Perhaps it wasn't such a bad idea.

Oh, who were you kidding? This was a bad idea. Meeting up with an ex at three in the morning wasn't the brightest decision, but maybe you were in the mood for a bad idea.

"Text me when you're outside."

[gallickingun]

ding, dong, the witch is dead!

honestly, who didn’t see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! i’ll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, i’ll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.

thank you to everyone who i’ve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness i’ve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends i’ve met through this stupid app, but overall, it’s just not a healthy space for me. i’m not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. i’m just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. i’m just tired.

that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i don’t care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but i’m just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those i’ve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and you’re upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.

i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, it’s “just tumblr” and “it’s not that deep” because at the end of the day, it’s just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.

i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dm’s of those whom, at the time, i’d considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasn’t as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what i’d said.

please, please, PLEASE — be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you don’t intend for it to hurt anyone, even if it’s just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that you’re not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you don’t recognize yourself.

if you don’t know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, you’d probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? i’m not sure anymore, really, but regardless—it turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me “on the curb”, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me i’m assuming? i was being told i was “being watched”, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to “see if i’d changed”. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the “truths” were half-honesties twisted because i’d be a hypocrite to post private dm’s debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. i’ve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i won’t go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.

the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to “insignificant” blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone i’ve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.

that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isn’t meant to hurt anyone, however, you don’t get to control how what you’ve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the “receipts” they’ve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people i’m thinking of. i don’t enjoy blanket apologies, but i’m leaving this hellsite, so it’s all i’ve got left.

i’m sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, i’m sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. i’m sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that i’m gone from tumblr, and honestly i don’t plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.

the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didn’t think someone who i’d called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess it’s what happened, in the end.

there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed “releases” of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i can’t go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things i’ve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that i’ve been accused of, and yet they’ve also been done to me. doesn’t justify what i’ve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.

which leads me to my final point — regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? i’m not really sure, but whatever. since it’s been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, i’ve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.

i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blog’s very existence “forcing” me to apologize. don’t get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didn’t get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing i’d want is for my apology to be turned into something it’s not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.

and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure you’ve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything i’ve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someone’s friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter that’s been taken out of context. but, i digress.

i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things i’ve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that i’m done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who i’d have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.

will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. i’m just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, i’ve delved into my original characters and i’ve written thousands of words that i haven’t felt the pressure to post about. i’ve learned that just because i’m doing something i love, i don’t have to do it for anyone else.

the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?

anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best 💖

[anothermansjeans]

Memories of You

pairing: spencer reid x f!reader

summary: after losing Y/N, spencer needs to find closure.

warnings: angst, character death, drug mention, normal cm stuff (let me know if i missed anything!)

word count: 1k

request: “Hi so idk if you’re comfortable with doing angst but would you consider doing a piece with Spencer Reid x she/her reader with the prompt “I can’t unpack the baggage you left” ? I was thinking like maybe the main character didn’t make it out of a hostage situation and afterwards Reid finds her go-bag with little momentos of their relationship inside of it. But totally do what you want with it though, thank you for considering:)”

a/n: okay i honestly love writing angst, so i’m happy with this! this prompt also came from my harry styles prompt list, and this is a Spencer POV!

masterlist

——————————————————————————

Silence.

That was what I walked into when I returned from the case. Normally, we’d walk in the door together, laughing over some stupid joke I made. But this time, I walked in alone, carrying the grief of you not being here anymore.

I can almost hear that beautiful laugh of yours just from the thought of me writing this because it’s just so … not me. I know you’re not going to see it— it’s irrational for me to even think that you would— the grief though, God, Y/N, the grief of losing you has been weighing on me so much, I can barely walk into the bullpen without snapping at someone.

A part of me knows they aren’t responsible for what happened to you. We all collectively decided you’d be the best undercover. We all profiled the guy to be a submissive. There was no way of knowing he’d act impulsively and hold you hostage. I keep saying this like a mantra in my head; hoping that one day I’ll believe it.

But I can’t. I’m just not ready. I’m not ready because I can still feel your cold hand. I’m not ready because I wake up and expect you to still be asleep next to me. I’m not ready because I can’t unpack the baggage you left, literally and figuratively.

I think that if I keep you in my head and your stuff in the apartment it’d be like you’re still here. Like this was all just a bad dream, a nightmare— one of many I get. Or maybe even a reality check, that I’ll wake up and realize that I should’ve told you I loved you a lot sooner or that I didn’t want to live another day without you. I don’t know, anything but the truth.

It’s been hell without you for the past two months. I’ve been having cravings and I want to use so bad— to feel something other than the grief that won’t leave, but I haven’t. I haven’t taken anything because I know you’d be disappointed. I know you wouldn’t want that for me, so I try. I try to go to N.A meetings as frequently as possible, because I want to stay clean… for you. For your memory.

I just… miss you so much. You were my soulmate, Y/N. My other half. You loved talking about Plato’s Symposium and how we just had to be split by Zeus himself, and I never told you because I was too busy trying to correct you on any misconceptions in the theory, but I too believe that we were meant to be. Maybe it was a case of “right person, wrong time”, and if there’s another life, we’ll find each other, and I can’t wait for that day.

I love you, Y/N, and I’m sorry for not saying it enough.

Love, Spencer

I let out a sigh of relief. It helped. It helped a lot actually, being able to write how much I loved her, how much I miss her, and how I’m feeling about it.

I put the pen down and folded the letter, making my way into our once shared bedroom. Standing in front of her dresser felt weird. I tried so hard not to go through it, knowing that once the smell of her clothes reaches my nose I won’t be able to hold back any tears.

You can do it, Spencer. Just place the letter in, and close it.

I took a deep breath and slowly opened the top drawer. Y/N was a person who liked to keep knick knacks and mementos in her top drawer, so when I saw a few objects from our dates, I wasn’t too surprised.

I know my original mission was to quickly put the letter in and then leave it, but now that I stood here, looking into all of our memories, I felt some of the sadness wash away, being replaced with a sense of nostalgia.

Right on top, there was the ticket to the movie we saw on our first date. Friday the 13th. It was Halloween and the local theater was playing all of them, and Y/N talked about how much she loved the 80’s horror films. Of course, at the time I didn’t know it was a date. I mean, I wanted it to be but when I asked her if she wanted to go I was just prepared for us to still be just friends at the end. Oh, how wrong was I, and I’ve never been happier to be wrong.

I became more curious as to what she kept when it came from objects from our dates, so I shifted around some. I pulled out a pressed flower— a yellow rose, to be exact. It was her favorite flower. Whenever we had tough cases I made sure to stop by a supermarket and pick up a dozen. It made her happy.

I didn’t know tears were trickling down my face until they fell onto the last thing I pulled out. The satin box that held the necklace I gave her before I told her I love her. I wasn’t surprised to see the necklace still sitting in the box. She never wore it on cases, too scared she’ll accidentally leave it at a random hotel room across the country.

I knew I loved her months before I gave her this necklace; I was just too scared to say it. Dammit. I should’ve said it sooner. She should’ve known the second I knew. I put the box back in the drawer, gently holding the letter I had written and placed it on top of it before closing it softly.

Despite the inner turmoil I was having about telling her I loved her sooner, I felt closure. Of course, it wasn’t exactly the type of closure that helped you move on, but it helped me release any agony. Reminiscing on our time brought happiness. A happiness I haven’t felt since she was alive.

I let out yet another sigh of relief, feeling a hundred pounds lighter before checking my watch. It was late and I knew I should sleep, but I didn’t. I laid down on the bed, staring at the ceiling while thinking back to our happier times, hoping those thoughts would travel over to my dreams.

——————————————————————————

taglist: @openheart12

[mandoalorian]

Fix You [Maxwell Lord x Reader]

Author's note: This was requested by a few people! Just a short one as I only planned on "Those Three Words" being a one shot. But I know a lot of people wanted closure for Maxwell and the reader and I understand the pain of cliff-hangers so here we go!!!

Warnings: hospital, very very brief mention of illness and suicide, mention of the loss of a loved one, Maxwell is mean but it's completely justified.

I love to write soft! Maxwell but, he is a 'villain' and so it's definitely important to me that's still displayed to some extent in my fics.

Word count: 1.6k

Rating: 13+

READ PART ONE HERE

MASTERLIST

"Mr Lord, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"But she's awake! I felt her hand move, I watched her stir!" Maxwell exclaimed, a mixture of excitement, worry and panic rising in his voice. A group of about eight doctors and nurses gathered around your bed and closed the curtains so Maxwell couldn't see what was going on. "Please let me stay, I have to stay with her."

"Sir," the nurse sighed, shaking her head. "It's hospital protocol."

"Do you know who I am?" Maxwell spat angrily. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Mr Lord, I really don't want to have to call hospital security… but if you're giving me no choice…" the nurse's hand dropped to the pager on her belt and Maxwell curled his fingers into a fist feeling nothing but anger and defeat.

"I'll be outside." he mumbled, slouching his shoulders and slowly leaving your hospital room. He sighed, leaning against the cool wall.

Looking around, the corridor was completely desolate. Maxwell wiped a tear that had fallen from his eye, taking a deep breath. It was going to be okay. You were the strongest person he knew. You had fought many tougher battles before. He tried to remain certain that you would get through it— only he wasn't. How could he have hope?

Maxwell Lord had loved and he had lost, over and over again. To the point he had completely shut out the possibility of any attachment to anyone, until he met you. He had lost his father to suicide at the tender age of sixteen, and then lost his mother to a fierce illness when he was only twenty five. He was a divorced man who had lost custody of his son. He'd lost so many people, he had been so close to giving up himself. You were his light. His angel. You changed him for the better.

He couldn't believe how it had all gone so wrong. How the fight had even started. If he lost you now, he would never have been able to forgive himself.

"Mr Lord," the same nurse from earlier came out of your room, along with the other nurses and doctors who were checking on you. "She's awake. She's… lightheaded, tired, but she's here. You can go see her." the nurse granted with a quick nod of her head before scurrying away.

Maxwell froze up. Now was his moment to make amends. What if you hated him. He felt the tears of guilt begin to well up in his eyes again and tried to shake the feeling away. Cautiously, he entered your room.

You were sitting in the bed, propped up by pillows. Your hair was in your face and your eyes looked heavy, but nothing beat the feeling of seeing the small smile that crept up on your lips when you saw your Maxie. Maxwell stood at the door, his eyes glazed with tears. You were wearing his pale blue suit jacket over your hospital gown, the one that he had left for you, and he swore in that moment you were the most beautiful he had ever seen you. You were alive.

"Maxie," you whispered, tears threatening to spill from your eyes. You weakly held out your arms, ushering for him to come forth and sit next to you. Maxwell sat down on the edge of your bed and took hold of your hands which were now warming up nicely. Maxwell gulped. He had so much to say, so much to apologise for, but no words could come out. "Are you okay?" you asked him with a croak, your hand coming to cup his cheek. He nuzzled his face into your hand and another tear slipped from his dark brown eyes.

"Was so scared of losing you," he admitted, closing his eyes. He couldn't bring himself to look at you. Look at the way you were tubed up and the cuts and bruises along your body. The blame was stirring up within him. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault." you promised him, smiling tiredly.

"You're always so good to me," he sniffed. "Even when I don't deserve it."

"Of course you deserve it." You told him, knotting your eyebrows together and giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

"You almost died." Maxwell faltered.

"But I'm still here, aren't I?" you chuckled. "Cheer up. I thought I got you out of being such a grumpy old man." you nudged him playfully and Maxwell smiled a teary smile.

"I love you so much," Maxwell whispered, nudging his nose against yours. "I can't wait to take you home. I will fix all of this darling, I promise."

You nodded slowly. "Okay, thank you." you uttered.

The next few moments were filled with silence. Both of you gazed into one another's eyes feeling nothing but love and relief. You asked Maxwell to bring you a few changes of clothing and toiletries from home and he assured you that he'd be quick to return.

When Maxwell exited the hospital, he was greeted by an abundance of news reporters and flashing cameras practically blinding him. "Max! Maxwell Lord!" they cried as they flocked towards him. Maxwell dropped his sunglasses down and pushed through the cameras. "How is Y/N? Are you injured? The crash looks really bad? Are you paying for Y/N's health insurance?"

Maxwell scowled at the ridiculous questions, carefully manuovering through the crowds of people to try and get to his car. He'd have to drive himself home, something he didn't feel comfortable with but he wasn't about to ask Jeeves and, at the end of the day, he was doing this for you. And that was enough motivation he needed.

"Maxwell Lord, is it true that y/n is in critical condition?" a news anchor from NBC quizzed, shoving a microphone in Maxwell's face. Maxwell's head snapped to face her.

"What?" he glared sourley, anger and bitterness dripping from his tongue. He snatched the microphone from her hand, earning a small gasp to escape from her lips. "Right, is everyone listening?" Maxwell asked, raising his voice and speaking into the microphone. The crowd of journalists and paparazzi piped down to hear what the CEO had to say. "I want you to all stop with these disgusting and invasive questions. We are people too," Maxwell pointed his finger at one paparazzi. "Do you have a lady in your life?" he asked. The paparazzi nodded slowly. "And how would you feel if dozens of people were pestering her every fucking day? To the point she's afraid to leave the house or she has to triple check and make sure the doors are all locked before she can go sleep at night?" Maxwell felt the rage build up inside of you when he remembered how anxious all these people he was now confronting made you. But he had to remain calm. He knew for a fact his little speech would be broadcast on national television. The paparazzi blinked nervously. "My question wasn't rhetorical." Maxwell spat.

"I'd be upset, sir." He replied timidly.

"Upset is a fucking understatement." Maxwell crossed his arms over his chest. "This is your fucking job, harassing people? Ruining their lives? Look at yourselves! You all need a reality check. Next time you go anywhere near me or my partner you will be hearing from my lawyers. And I'll have you know, I have the best fucking lawyers." Maxwell threatened. "Am I understood?"

Maybe it was the bite in his voice, or the way he used his harsh business tone, but the crowd backed off in an instant. That was the power of Maxwell Lord. You had changed Maxwell Lord. Softened him, sweetened him… but when people were trying to hurt you, he knew his power. He knew he could and would ruin their lives.

Your recovery was slow, but sure enough, you did get better. It was difficult at first, but with Maxwell's fierce and defensive nature, the paparazzi and the news reporters began to stay away from you both. Once discharged from hospital, you were bed bound for a few weeks. Maxwell took time off work, giving you his full attention. He tried to cook you soup, but when that failed, he'd order you whatever take out you craved. When you fancied homemade food, he'd call the chef over? He did the chores that you usually did, like laundry and vacumming. You loved seeing Maxwell become so domesticated; you didn't know he had it in him, it almost made you feel a little smug. There was something about seeing a billionaire businessman angrily scrub grease from a frying pan that satisfied you. When he wasn't pottering on around the house, he was in bed with you.

He used this time to show you how much he really truly loved you. You wanted for nothing. He'd gently stroke your skin, give you soft kisses and play with your hair. And those three words you craved to hear, there wasn't a day that went by when he didn't say them.

"I love you."

Permanent taglist (let me know if you would like to be added!) ~ @supernaturalgirl @phoenixhalliwell @ah-callie @luvzoria @stardust-galaxies @wickedfrsgrl @goth-topic @nerdypinupcrystal @wonderfulfluffer @kiwi-the-first @pedroepascal

[artemis-verse]

i miss you, i’m sorry

summary: A low mumble, “I’m sick of this.” His hushed confession goes unheard by her yet she pretends she didn’t catch on that for the sake of her broken heart crumbling from his words. note: features time skip! oikawa. spoilers about oikawa’s future career though. some scenes included flashbacks. all characters in present timeline is 21+. fem! reader. she/her pronouns.

song: i miss you, i’m sorry by gracie abrams word count: 1,254 words warnings: swearing, toxic relationship genre: angst arthie’s note: was suppose to publish this yesterday on sunday but i didn’t have any wifi hence the delay :(( anyways this fic is dedicated to flo flo!! it was her birthday yesterday and i purposely wanted to post this fic on her birthday but my wifi says no :< anyways, sorry if it’s not that great, i’ve been running on little to no sleep lately and my brain is fried ;-; hope yall still enjoy it nevertheless (´ ∀ ` *) ↳ main masterlist ↳ minor series masterlist ⊱ ━━━━.⋅ εïз ⋅.━━━━ ⊰ His roaring laughter imprinted in her mind, the way wrinkles formed around his mouth when he smiles or how soft his tousled hair was. “I can’t do this anymore.” Those words echoed loudly, clear and direct as if he’s standing right in front of her, watching her with disinterest. A low mumble, “I’m sick of this.” His hushed confession goes unheard by her yet she pretends she didn’t catch on that for the sake of her broken heart crumbling from his words. During that day, he left her all alone as she sinks down to the floor, sobbing while her chest twisted in agony.

She had only found out through Kunimi that Oikawa had left Japan and went to start a new life in Argentina. Guess I really meant nothing to him, huh? Didn’t even bother to tell me he was leaving either.. She thought to herself bitterly, walking down the sidewalk. An enthusiastic cheer startled her out of her thoughts, glancing at the source of acclamation, she noticed a child clapping her hands joyfully as the mom stares at the pastries displayed behind the glass window. “Which one do you want?” The mother asked her gleeful child who looked up with glints of jovial. “I want the milk bread!” Letting out a chuckle, the mother clutched her child’s hand and entered the bakery together. Without even realizing, her feet had carried her all the way to stare at the baked goods. A sense of nostalgia flows with the wind, his voice rings in the back of her mind. “Y/n-chan~ please just let me feed you this milk bread!” He pouted, blinking innocently. She rolled her eyes, “Fine. Don’t feed me too much, Tooru.” His face breaks into a grin and he happily tears off the bread, making a “aaaah ~” sound as he opens his mouth, trying to get her to do the same. Imitating him, she chews on the fluffy milky bread that dissolved into her mouth after a few chews. Savouring on the taste, she hummed as a sign of approval, “Not bad.” He grinned even wider, “Right?! I love milk bread so much ~ I’m so happy that Y/n-chan likes it too!” He exclaims, popping in the bread into his mouth with a delighted face. She only shook her head and drank her water when he said, “I’ll make sure to feed you lots of milk bread till you love it as much as me! I’ll do it forever if I have to ~” Snorting at that statement, she stared at him back, “What do you mean forever? Are you gonna be by my side all the time?” She teased, adoring the way his ears turned red. “Of course! I’m gonna be with you forever! You’re not ever getting rid of me, Y/n-chan. I’ll be by your side all the time ~” He remarked, smiling as her face flushed from the declaration. “Lady, please move!” A voice pulled her out of her reverie as she swiftly dodges the bicycle approaching her way. A sigh escapes her lips, glancing at the milk bread displayed once again as she walks away from the haunting memories of him that is bound to clog up her brain. Entering the empty apartment, lingering presence of his past hides behind these walls. Trudging to the couch, she plopped down, observing the dull living room with a bitter feeling. Closing her eyes, she can hear the faint screams circling in her mind, reigniting the relationship she once had with him. A miserable feeling yet she still cling onto him as if he was her saviour. “I told you to leave me alone!” He roared as the glass shattered across the floor, fury distinct in his chocolate eyes. Swallowing the fear away, she bent her head down in shame, only nodding and hastily grabs her belongings to flee out of his house. Slamming the door shut, she ran away as fast as she could, letting the tears stream down her cheeks as his yells echoed clear and loudly in her head. The disappointment that flashed throughout his face will haunt her for years. Beep! Beep! The notification snapped her back to reality, lazily clutching onto the device, she checked the incoming messages. Unknown: i miss you Frowning at the sudden proclamation, she examined the digits, a foreign number..? A realization struck her as she concluded on who’s the mysterious sender is.  Biting her lip down harshly, she threw the phone onto the wall, frustrated against his mind games. She feels hopeless and agitated yet a part of her still loves him no matter how bad the relationship got. ⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆ On the 16th of December, she coincidentally bumped into a tall stranger, “Sorry.” She muttered out an apology, quickly helping him pick the books that he was holding. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” He replies, gazing up at her as her eyes become wide. “Tooru...”  The man froze on the spot, gawking at her with disbelief. Her eyes darted across his face, noticing how his hair was no longer kept long instead he opted to cut it short and how he had gained a few pounds compared to the lanky figure he used to sported back in school. He blinked rapidly as if he could not believe she was standing in front of him, “Y/n-chan... what are you doing here?” “Shouldn’t I be the one to ask you that?” She scoffed, not bothering to hid the venom rooted inside her voice. “Seriously? I had to find out through your junior that you had moved miles away to fucking Argentina and you didn’t even dare to spoke a word to me?!” She spat, enraged upon all of the silence between them ever since they part ways. He only looked at her with a blank expression, merely reacted to her outburst. “I don’t owe you anything. We broke up remember?”  Ignoring the twisting agony inside her chest, she nodded her head in understanding. “I remember vividly actually. Surprised you still acknowledge my existence though. All of that doesn’t matter anymore, after all, I’m just a toy to you aren’t I?”  The revelation gleamed in those hazel eyes, staring wide open at his ex-lover. Before he could even utter out a word, she shook her head. “I don’t want your explanation nor your closure. Just.. please— don’t ever come back again.” Turning her back on him, she waited for his reply. “Okay.” Was all that he said, it’s foolish of her to even think that he would mutter out reassuring words and beg for her to stay yet she knew deep down that the words she longed for has dissipated, just like the love they once had. ⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆ A year has passed by and not a single moment where a reminder of him pops inside her head. It seemed as if everything will always lead her back to him, no matter how painful it is. On the bright enormous screen, she can clearly see Oikawa in his uniform, a serious, focused expression as he sets the ball to his teammate.  She ignores the stinging sensation that she feels, accepting their fate. She had come to terms at the fact that they were never soulmates— never meant for each other.  Even if she wants him so desperately or how much he actually craves her affection, they’ll always end up feeling miserable and numb. Taking a final look at the man she used to love, she smiled sadly, I miss you, I’m sorry. 

[heartbreakgrill]

Serious; Luke Hemmings (Pt. 1)

a/n: I cannot tell you where this came from, but it IS ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD OMG. please enjoy, there WILL be more parts probably tomorrow. (Also omg I’m dying my hair, should I post a selfie? I’ve never done a face reveal lol)

description: he came with the falling of the leaves, and left with the cold breeze of winter. maybe this time, he’d stay.

The gentle cracking of a leaf breaking under your weight snapped your eyes to the sidewalk below. Your boot-clad feet ran into another leaf, a smile pile, and a dozen subway-like cracks caused by years of distress. You looked back up, afraid to run into anybody who wasn’t walking on the opposite side of the sidewalk. Luckily, you did just in time, because you dodged a group of girls jogging at a steady pace.

Your brows drew together; They weren’t in workout clothes. You looked for fear on their faces, but they passed quickly, without a hint of what you weren’t hoping for. Your head followed them, pace slowing, as you scanned their outfits. Some of them were dressed cute, in fall outfits similar to yours, but two or three were merchandise from a band- 5 Seconds of Summer.

You stopped completely. Your feet drew you to the wall behind you, as if they knew you were going to get ran over if you didn’t move. Your mouth fell agape slightly, and your heart raced. Fingers reached for your cellphone, hesitantly opening the contacts and scrolling past ABCDEFGHIJK...

L.

A sweaty thumb hovered over the sideways call button, tongue circling dry mouth for some kind of coping mechanism. Suddenly, it was ringing, but not from your actions.

Luke Hemmings.

You quickly answered, the hand that was still in the pocket of your jean jacket curling. “Hey,” a breathless tone, a feeling of desperation.

“I’m in town. I wanna see you,” he mumbled into the line, unable to speak much louder due to who all must be around him.

It’d been a year, a year since 19 year old Luke came crashing into your world like a hurricane. The leaves had been falling then, too, harsh winds whipping through until a calm autumn Sunday recruited your attention, the eye of the hurricane. It was a one night stand, fleeting kisses and dodging eyes when a phone number was hastily left on your bedside table.

You’d called. He’d answered. And after a month of relentless calls and texts, the winter winds took his blazing blue eyes and washed them out with read receipts and unopened Snapchats.

Of course you’d fallen for him so quickly. You were vulnerable, empty at that point in your life. Now, you were more stable, but you couldn’t resist seeing him.

You needed him, craved, as if some Pavlovian affect took hold as soon as the temperature dropped below 40 and midterms wheeled themselves into your schedule. It was Thanksgiving break, now, two weeks off from stressful deadlines, so you had time.

And, God, you were so willing to give it all to him.

“How long are you in town?” You muttered back, afraid someone on the other side would hear you.

“Week and a half. Five shows, 7 days off. Free today.”

Your eyes flickered between the people passing you, the crosswalk ten steps ahead. “I have plans for lunch, with a friend, but come over at 4. K?”

“Okay. See you soon.”

You hung up, taking control of the situation in the slightest. You wanted to grip onto the wall, your body flailing through space in his head and your own heart. There was no gripping the sand between your fingertips.

You went ahead to lunch, fingers tapping relentlessly on the tabletop, your inner thigh when you noticed Sheila glaring at the rhythm. Eventually, after you’d gulped through two ice waters and a sand which, she cleared her throat. You looked up from the floor, suddenly realizing how dry you’d been the last forty minutes.

She spoke, “okay, what is up with you?”

You and Sheila had been roommates last year, still were this year, too. Only, she was leaving today to visit family for the holiday. She’d been out running errands for before she left, and wanted to see you before she wouldn’t for half a month.

Your mouth was dry already, but you swallowed again to try to salivate it. Provide clarity to your words. You shrugged, knowing how embarrassing this would be, “Luke’s back.”

Sheilas eyebrows rose high, her arms crossing over her chest. She leaned back in her chair, tongue clicking in bashful anger. “Oh, really? For what? To apologize?”

You dryly chortled, though you didn’t smile. “No. He has some shows to do. I completely forgot. I haven’t even seen him post on Instagram in forever.”

“Y/N,” Sheila reached across the table and tightly gripped your wrist. She loosened the hold when you met her eyes. “You’re going to get hurt again.”

“I know,” you shrugged. “I just can’t say no, ya know? It sounds stupid, but maybe this will provide me closure. Or maybe this time he’ll stay.”

“You know he won’t.”

Her words didn’t hit you that hard: She was right.

The last time he’d been around, he was still with Arzaylea. You were a getaway for him, his escape from the flashing lights, the public state of his relationship with her, and the screaming fans. You promised him to never, ever tell anyone about the incident. the public would hate him, his fans would be angry, and he’d lose listeners.

“I don’t.”You denied her, though it was true, in the edge of an argument.

Sheila opened her mouth to speak, and you could tell by the breath she took, that she was going to reprimand you. You suddenly reached to the ground, hand snapping from her fingers, and tugged your back over your shoulder.

“I gotta go. He’s coming over in two hours. See you when you get back.”

Sheila sat in stunned silence, eyes barely following you as you bounced out the door. Your glare stared hard at the concrete beneath your feet, more and more leaves crunching below.

Soon to be an analogy to your heart.

-

You showered when you got home, brushed your teeth, washed your skin with glittering lotions and rose-scented body washes. He didn’t deserve all of this, no, but the way he’d make you feel for the next few days did. You should just move on, but your mind had been on him for the last year, and, yes, you would make sure this would be closure.

Or a new beginning.

A knock on the apartment door came firm and sharp at exactly 4:01. You were sitting on the edge of your couch, ignoring the text messages from Sheila, and the group chat with your other friends. Your knee was bouncing and you hoped to God he wouldn’t smell your anxious sweat.

You wiped your brow before standing and moving in shaky legs to the door. You shut an eye, peering through the peephole. There he stood, in all his rockstar glory, a leather jacket and black skinny jeans holding clenched fists, pouty pink lips framing the frantic look on his blue eyes. God, had they always been that pretty?

You opened the door wide, allowing him to move in beside you. You shut it, turning to face him.

And it all came back naturally.

Luke reached out to your waist, pulling you flush against him in a warm hug. You held his neck between your arms, fingers tucking themselves into his curls, which were much longer now.

“How are you?” His accent had faded much more, but it was still there to haunt the goosebumps on your skin.

You tugged away, fingers splaying across his leather jacket. “Okay. Uh, nervous,” you shared a laugh before he moved his hand to cup your cheek.

Your eyes melded into his own, his blue pupils flushed wide open with intoxicated lust. “Don’t be. Just me.”

You pressed your lips to his own, feeling the same balloon pop in your chest. And, some time later, you were flush against the bed, Luke’s body collapsed on top of yours. Your heaving chest puffed up with each deep breath to meet his own before he rolled over beside you.

You squeezed your eyes shut, opening them as he moved his arms around you. You turned to face him, eyelashes now fluttering against his chest.

“You’re so beautiful,” he smiled softly at you.

“Your hairs gotten longer,” you replied. You reached up and curled the strands around your pointer finger.

“Yeah, decided to grow it out after I broke up with...” he trailed off, “well, you know her.”

This was the first you were hearing of the breakup. Your eyes lit up, but you surpressed your grin. “Oh. I didn’t know.”

Luke shrugged, “S’okay, though. I’ve been better without her. Hell, even Petunia is happier. I got my own place in LA, living with Ash and Cal now.”

“How are they?” You asked him, letting your head falling into the cavity between his breasts.

He drew across your skin, “Good. Yeah, Ash has a girl. Kay, is her name. Cal’s still single, but he’s good. Michael’s still with Crystal. They’re living together now.”

You hummed. “And you?

His eyes met yours and he smiled sadly. “Still getting over it. But, I think this could help...”

He kissed you again. You held on, unwilling to let go until his phone started to ring. He answered it, other arm still holding you close to him.

“Yeah, I’ll be there in an hour.”

Your bottom lip poured, moving with Luke was he sat up. He stood and began to put on his boxers, but left the rest of himself naked. You admired his chest, more defined now that he was somewhat taller and healthier.

Maybe you didn’t regret being the other girl if she had really taken that big of a toll on him...

Luke hung up the phone with a goodbye and sat on the edge of the bed. You wrapped your arms around him from behind. Your lips grazed the skin beneath his ear and his head fall back against your shoulder.

“Everything okay?” You kissed.

He nodded, “Gotta get back for some celebration shit.”

You sighed as he turned to face you. He hugged you better, forehead pressing against yours. “Hey, pretty girl, I’m not going anywhere for another hour.”

“Another week, right?” You smiled. His head rocked forward. “Good.”

“We talked about me some, let’s hear about you.”

Luke got more comfortable after handing you his T-shirt. He leaned up against the headboard, allowing you to lay your head in his lap. His hand fell in your hair, the other splayed across your stomach.

Your fingers played with his. “Not much has changed, Lu. I’m better, I feel better. But it’s still just college, work, internships here and there. Can’t wait to graduate and just travel.”

“You look better,” the hand in your hair traced your jawline. “You look healthier and happier. I could see it in your walk.”

“I got a therapist,” you giggled.

He applauded you jokingly before his hands found their spot again. “I’m proud of you. I remember you telling me how nervous you were for that. But look at you now. Beautiful as always, but happy with yourself. That makes you the most beautiful.”

Your cheeks flushed and you looked away. “Yeah, well, thanks.”

“Where do you think you’ll go first?” He continued to inquire.

You shrugged, “I wanna go to France. Or LA.”

An awkward beat passed. Would he think you were asking to come visit? Was he going to pull away then, did he still wants no strings attached?

You cleared your throat and Luke’s tongue clicked in response. “LA’s beautiful. Not as good as home, though.”

Was that an invitation?

“Australia?” He hummed at the question. “Id like to go. See an ostrich or a kangaroo.”

He laughed, “Out of everything there is to see.”

“What do you want me to say? ‘Oh, gosh, I can’t wait to go to Australia and meet Liz Hemmings! She is the real star here.’”

You laughed loudly at the joke and Luke joined you until silence took over again. You felt him shrug. “I think she’d like you.”

“Who?” Your brows furrowed.

He traced them, feeling down to around your chin and brushing the hair away from your neck. “Mum. She’d like you. You’re kind, bubbly. Like her.”

You blushed again. “I’d like to meet her.”

“I...” Luke trailed and never picked up from it.

It was nearly 9 pm now, and your eyes were beginning to fall close. You hadn’t realized how stuck on a schedule you were from college until your body relaxed completely into Luke’s lap. Your hand held tightly to his, though, fingers threaded with them.

He glanced at the clock on your bedside table, methodically rubbing circles into your hairline. His lips puckered and he leaned to place a firm kiss onto your cheek, nose, forehead.

He gently set you onto the bed, pulling the sheets out you. He tugged in the muscle tank top he’d work under his shirt, his leather jacket, jeans, and boots before tucking away his phone. He would bear the cold for you to sleep in his shirt.

Luke kissed your forehead again, causing you to stir. You groggily opened your eyes, meeting the electric blue right above you.

“Gotta go, pretty girl. I’ll see you tomorrow? Maybe you could come to a show,” Luke squeezed your wrist.

You pursed your lips and he pressed a kiss to them. “Okay. see you.”

He was gone with the click of the lock in the door and you rolled over, wide awake.

TAG LIST: @mantlereid , @boxofteenageideas @dinosaursandsocks , @ashhdaniellee95 @stephaniemelville-blog @zhangyixingxing1 @verlaneswiftie13

[cedric-stories]

Swear You’ll Never Hurt Me (Cedric x Reader)

       Warnings: Angst, talk of some verbal abuse, suggestive towards the end (but in a cute way)

           Word Count: 2,180

Reader pronouns: she/her

      Pot: Cedric had just started dating you and he noticed something weird. Every time he tries to initiate affection, you seem to not want it. One day, you come over to help him make a potion and he tries to kiss you. You backed away and when he asked what’s wrong, things are more complicated than they looked.

     So, this is a more self-healing fanfic than anything. I have some emotional issues I believe are because of things my parents had told me when I was young. I just felt like if I wrote this, it could give me come closure. My ex never quite understood my problem with affection, so I never got a loving gesture like this. I guess when you never get to have love you write a fanfic about it, lol. Okay, now into the actual story and not my sob story…

                                          Swear You’ll Never Hurt Me

         Cedric had been working on potions all day. It was one of the busiest times of year. He had recently gotten an order in from the king of about 20 different potions! While most of them were easy, there was one that needed his full attention. It required him to cast a spell on someone he was in love with. He had called his girlfriend and asked you this morning if it was okay for you to help. You happily accepted.

      It was about 2pm when he heard a knock.

“It’s me!” you shouted cheerily from behind the wood.

    Cedric got up and headed for the door when Wormwood started squawking.

Cedric signed. “Wormy, I know you can talk now, what is it?”

   Wormwood fixed his feathers and looked him strait in the eyes.

“Well, it is that woman. She’s always here.”

   Cedric’s expression turned cold. “Wormwood, if you are going to complain about her today you can kindly leave.”

The raven spread his feathers and rolled his eyes. “Gladly.”

    “Hello?” you called again.

Cedric once more turned to the door. “Coming! I’m very sorry.”

   He unlocked the door and ushered you to come in.

“Thank you so much for helping, potions like this requires a…certain person to activate.”

    You smiled shyly at the last few words, not quite understanding what he meant. “No problem, I always want to help you.

    After coming in, you put your stuff down by his table. As he began putting in items, you could smell the potion start brewing. It was a lovely smell. Something like a vanilla and mocha coffee.

    Cedric watched you place your things neatly together on top each other and he wanted to help. Walking over, he put his hand on your spine.

“Oh, god!” You barely got out between breaths.

   “I-I’m sorry, I did not mean to scare you, sweetheart.”

     You turned around to face him and flattened yourself against the wall. A look of fear and embarrassment creeped onto your face.

“I-It’s fine, I promise.”

     “Are you sure you’re okay, my dear?” Cedric asked. Things in the past like this happened between the two of you. Every time he tried to even so much as put a finger on you, you would back away or appear frightened.

“Yes, you just scared me was all.”

      After watching you for a few minutes, Cedric finally decided you were okay and headed back to the cauldron. About five minutes later, it was beginning to simmer. He bent down and smelled it with a smile.

“Alright, Y/N, I think it’s ready whenever you are.”

      Once you had gotten over to the table, you looked up at Cedric and awaited instructions. He cleared his throat and began.

           “Y/N, I will need you to stand about three feet from me, okay?”

    You nodded and started walking away from him. When you were in position, he started speaking again.

           “Now, I will need you to stand still and close your eyes. It will not hurt a bit, but it does take a minute to finish. When I am done, I will tell you.” He had his teaching voice on until he looked at your big Y/C eyes and gave a small giggle. He had almost forgotten how cute you looked. Your cheeks a light shade of pink, your nose giving a slight twitch as you smelled the potion. He just couldn’t believe he had found a person like you. You were his dream girl, his everything. The day he met you he fell in love, but he never expected you to feel the same. Now, looking at you gave him a sense of pride. You were his. You wanted to be his. The very thought of it made his heart swell.

           After taking a minute, he grabbed his wand and took a deep breath.

“Ready, Sweetheart?”

           You smiled. “Ready, Love.”

           Cedric lifted his arm to his chest and closed his eyes. He said a few words and flicked his wand. A white glow appeared on the tip of the magical instrument. The light started streaming towards you and began circling around your body. The light grew brighter and you shut your eyes tighter; trying to shut out the brightness. With a small crack, and a small jump from his girlfriend, the light stream topped into small sparkles and disappeared.

           Your boyfriend dropped his wand. “Alright, Lovely, it’s over.”

     Cedric immediately walked over to the vat of boiling liquid and placed his wand over the side. He said two words and a ray of golden sparks poured into the cauldron.

           You looked into the pot and noticed how the potion’s smell turned into pure vanilla.

“Cedric?” You asked.

           “Yes, darling?”

“What is this for?”

           Cedric brushed his hair through his bangs. “It is for the king’s friend. He is dying and the only way to save him is by giving him this. It’s a potion that is quite hard to create, if I do say so myself. It requires…” He contemplated saying it. “It requires true love to form it.”

           Your eyes stinged as they began to water. “Really?”

       “Yes, that’s why I asked you to help.” Cedric looked to his side and noticed a mug sitting on the bench next to him. “Y/N, would you mind staying for coffee?”

           “I’d love to.”

     Cedric made a pot and brought a cup back for you. The two of you sat down on the couch in the living room and began talking.

     “I-it’s been such a wonderful month, Y/N. I truly do believe I have found the one I love. Well, I know I have.” Cedric wiped a few tears from his eyes and looked into yours. Oh, how your eyes gleamed. The light coming in from the window reflected off of your skin and made you glow. He was completely fixated on your beauty.

     “Y/N,” he paused.

“Yes?”

     He hesitated a moment, “May I kiss you?”

                    You looked at him stunned. He could see the wheels turning in the back of your mind as you contemplated the idea.

                       “If it is too soon, we can always- “

           “Yes.”

                        His eyes were wide. “Yes?”

    ��      “Yes.”

                       “Aright,” he took a breath. “Let’s give this a try, shall we?”

           You nodded.

           He started to lean towards you. His hand raised up and cupped your face and his body started to shift towards yours. He knew this was a big step for you both, so he didn’t want to mess it up. He was about to lean in when he noticed the terrified look on your face.

           “Lovely, what is wrong?” He asked again kindly, putting his fingers into your hair.

                       You just stared.

           “Y/N?”

           Tears filled your eyes, and you couldn’t help it anymore. You collapsed into your arms and started sobbing.

           “I’ll mess it up! I’ll mess it all up! Everything I have worked for with you. I’ll ruin it!”

Cedric wrapped an arm around you and rubbed your back.

“Lovely, what are you talking about?”

           You looked up at him and shifted your body away.

           “They’ve always told me I’d mess it up. I know I will mess it up. You can’t date me; you’ll never be happy!”

           “Whoever told you that?”

You locked eyes with him for a minute then broke the gaze in a flash.

      “M-my parents.” You breathed. “You see, ever since I was a little girl, they’d tell me just how wonderful I was, only to tear me down in the next sentence. They told me I’d never be enough for someone. All I’d do is treat them miserably and he’d leave. I’d end up alone with my cat. Sometimes they’d treat me like I was an uncontrollable monster. All I did was hurt people. And in the beginning, I believed they were wrong, but as I got older, I started thinking maybe it was true. Maybe, I am a monster. Now, I see it is all I am. I know this is what I’ve become. I will only destroy you. I will make your life a living hell.”

      Cedric looked at you in horror. At first, he did not believe it.

“Lovely, if you do not desire to be with me, you are under no obli- “

           “Not desire? Do you know what my desires are? My desires are for you! I want you. I want you so badly. But if I let you give me love; all it’ll do is give me fulfillment. I’ll never fulfill you. All I’ll do is tear your poor soul apart. I am a being that should be hated, not loved. I do not deserve to be happy and feel a loving touch. Who am I to think I deserve love? I’m nothing.”

           Cedric had no idea what to say. You had been deeply hurt as a child. Finally, words appeared into his mind and he began to speak.

           “No, they are wrong.” He lightly grabbed your hand, and when you tried pulling away, he followed. “No one deserves to be alone. You do not deserve to be alone. You are not a monster; you are an angel. An angel that has been ripped down by people who tried to destroy you. You are worthy of love and affection, you are worthy of being cared for, and nothing would fulfill me like knowing I have fulfilled you. I want you too. I want all of you. Not just the beautiful parts, I want everything. Every ounce of you is what I crave. I love you. Do not ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Y/N, if what is holding you back is fear that I will not be happy with you, let that go. I know for a fact you are all I need.”

You looked at Cedric with a tear-stained face and felt a warmth inside you’d never felt before. For the first times ever, you felt at home with someone.

“You mean that?” You questioned.

“With my whole heart, yes.”

“I love you, Cedric.”

“I love you too, Y/N.”

           Without another word, you started leaning towards him and closed your eyes. Cedric followed suit and wrapped his arm around you. You put your hand on his leg and continued moving forward. Then, you felt soft lips touching yours. It was something so gentle, something so kind, something you had never felt before. You felt safe and secure for once in your entire life, and you loved it.

           The kiss began light, but a few seconds later, the spark turned to fire. You felt his hand firmly grip your side and your arms wrapped around his neck. You began running small fingers through his thick hair. Cedric tried sliding backwards onto the couch when you pulled away.

           “Y/N, I’m sorry if I scared you. I just thought that maybe you were somehow- “

“Are you enjoying this?” You asked him bluntly, looking him in the eyes with all your emotion while your chest pounded up and down.

           Cedric’s eyebrows shot up. “Yes, of course I am enjoying this. How could I not?”

“You promise? Be honest.”

           Cedric’s upper body shifted towards yours, his face only inches from yours.

“I’m enjoying this more than you could imagine.” He said, starting to blush.

           You were so close to just letting go and giving into your needs, but you still restrained yourself.

           Cedric could sense you were still trying to control your actions.

“Y/N? Please tell me what you are thin- “

           “Oh Cedric, swear you’ll never hurt me, like, on purpose. But also swear you’ll never stay with me unless you want me. Please, I beg you to swear it to me.” You finally let out.

           Cedric immediately kissed you. “I swear.”

Suddenly, you snapped. You weren’t afraid of yourself anymore. You let your lips crash hard against his and the two of you fell backwards. You ended up laying on top of the sorcerer, his arms sliding around your waist and pulling you close. You sat up slightly and looked down at his clothes.

           Tugging at the strings to his robe you looked down at him.

“My I?” You asked.

           His face turned bright red.

“I-I-yes.” He answered, coughing out a laugh. “I’d love that.” He broke eye contact and smiled sheepishly.

           “Promise?” You asked him once more, using your hand to guide his face back to your glance.

He gave another small laugh. “Yes, I just-I didn’t think you’d-well, I guess I just- “

      You cut him off with another kiss, only this time you tried opening your mouth slightly. Cedric caught on and the two of you started up again. You traced around his chest down to his waist and pulled on the strings to his robe. Once the tie came undone, you slipped your hands up his sides and pressed down onto his body. You hungerly kissed the man once more and then looked into his eyes. His expression was somewhere between shocked, dazed, and drunk.

“You know, Cedric…I think I could get used to this.”

He gave a silly smile. “I think I could too.”

The End

           Okay, author’s note: I really, really, really wanted to keep writing this last scene, but I thought I’d save some of that stuff for the next ones. 😉 I know it seems like it was cut short (that’s because it was, lol).

[juyeonau-main]

drifted

pairing: eric x reader ft. sunwoo, hyunjae and younghoon

genre: angst, suggestive, exes au, requested

word count: 2.2k

requested by: anon

warnings: bad breakup, mature language, mature themes, alcohol intake, smoking, parties, mentions of vomit, blood, anxiety 

prompt: “all my demons have your smile, in the city of angels” from la la lost you by niki

synopsis: after some time avoiding each other even if it was inevitable, he called you very late at night, wanting two things before he leaves; a last kiss and some closure.

★

“Eric what’s wrong please tell me, please just tell me what the hell you’re thinking! We’re so detached from one another, we’ve drifted apart. Please I wanna know what’s keeping you so quiet nowadays, please tell me!” you say as you walk behind him in the hallways. Not even caring if other people watched. He walks to the end of the hallway to the door to the field. You grab his arm and he shakes it off you, looking at you with a soft frown with harsh eyes. 

“I’m breaking up with you, I’m tired, leave me alone.” he says. You gasp, “I don’t understand why are you being like this?” He flinches at the face you made. He hated seeing you in pain, and the moment you asked him the question your voice croaked as your mouth quivered. 

He breathes deeply, “I just want to be alone.” 

So you left him, clenching your fists as you stomp away with tears falling out of your eyes.

“Y/n baby!” you hear Hyunjae say with his arms open, and Sunwoo called for you as he walked by the halls. But the moment you looked at him, his face frowned, eyebrows furrowed and pulled you to him, hugging you as you cried. 

★

You sigh as you sit on the rooftop of your friend’s house. Currently at a house party you never wanted to attend. Hyunjae was lonely, needed company, but he didn’t seem to need you the moment more and more people mistook his small gathering as a ‘party.’ 

And there he goes, in the swimming pool with only his boxers and a bottle of vodka. You roll your eyes. You would usually want to join in on the fun, but today wasn’t a good day. Hyunjae knew that, and that’s why he wanted a ‘small’ gathering in the first place. Maybe you gave him the benefit of the doubt, that the people just suddenly appeared was out of his control. Besides, this could help him cope with the emptiness he was feeling.

The feeling of losing someone. 

But why were you so bothered that night you avoided contact with the people you liked to have fun with? Why is it so easy for you to leave parties when you’re usually the last to leave? 

Because on the walk to Hyunjae’s, you’ve seen the boy who’s broken your heart. “Sohn Eric.” you mumble his name as you look at the night sky. You and him had a pretty stable relationship, but there was always something off with him the few months before he finally left you. Eric had been your best friend since pre-school, decided to date you so suddenly in the tenth grade, and now as you’re about to graduate, he breaks it off. It’s been a few months, one more and it’s been half a year since you’ve been together. You think it was shitty, him breaking it off with you so coldly like those years never meant anything. And it was during your midterms too, how could someone be so selfish? Couldn’t he at least wait after midterms?

As much as you’d like to avoid him, he’s always there. What could you do? You both are literally on the same campus, you’re friends with his friends even before you were together, your best friend is Kim Sunwoo who’s literally always with him too. You hug your legs, resting your chin on your knees as your eyes follow Hyunjae swimming from side to side in a drunken state. 

You stayed quiet for a while, but you felt someone tap your shoulder. “Sunwoo, hey.” you tell him, patting the space beside you. He was only in his boxers too, hair dripping wet, probably swam. And he reeked of alcohol. “Are you drunk and horny? Cause I’d rather not do it with you. You’re hot, but drunk, and I’ve lost enough people by locking lips with them, but then again I’m pretty lonely.” 

Sunwoo chuckles, “I’m a bit tipsy but Hyunjae drinking in the pool made the vodka mix into the water. It’s for sure ninety percent alcohol and ten percent water now if it was possible. I smell horrible but yeah, swimming was… interesting. Wish you were there with me fucking everyone up though.” 

“Probably not, but please tell Hyunjae to take it easy, I’m fucking concerned.” you say with a sigh. 

He hums, “let him. He’s the older one between us three, and he’d beat my ass if I try anything. He’s probably in his own world now.” 

You both look up, thoughts both filled up your minds as you count each star, and how Sunwoo traced each one together. But he found the silent too awkward and broke it off, with something he knew you couldn’t stay silent about. “I heard the Eric thing. How are you both by the way? I asked him but he never told me about it. And we’re the closer ones, so could you give me anything?”

“Funny. I’m vulnerable and you use this tactic on me to talk, I hate you.” you grunt and moved further. 

Sunwoo scrunches his nose and slides, sitting closer to you than before. Both shoulders touching, you could already feel the cloth of your sweater getting drenched with the wetness of his skin. “Though, I kinda owe you an answer since you literally worked your ass off to keep us together whenever we fought. But I honestly don’t know. Like we’ve broken up, we’re trying to leave it in the past, but we can’t seem to face each other; which is fine, like I’d want to see his face.”

“It’s a face you kissed.” Sunwoo says, making the kiss sound.

You cringe at him and say a cold, “whatever.”

He laughs and asks you, “had Eric he’d ever try? Like to get back with you?” 

And your answer, “I don’t know. I blocked his number so he probably couldn’t call me.” 

Sunwoo pouts at your statement and wraps an arm around your shoulders. You try to swat him away, “you’re going to make me wet!” you say as you try to push him from you, but realizing the statement you just made you mentally face palmed. “That sounds so wrong fuck!” you say and giggle at yourself. Sunwoo still hadn’t let go, you could feel his warmth around you and his warm breath by your cheek. 

You don’t know what it is but the sudden company of Sunwoo had made you crave something. A tender touch perhaps? A small kiss? You denied him before he even tried anything, nor not even knowing if he had the intention to or not. Were you lonely? Maybe, but you didn’t know what was happening. Yes you had a bit to drink before the small gathering was thrashed for you, but you felt sober. “Sunwoo I-” you say, he looks at you but before you could’ve done anything your phone rings beside you with an unknown caller. 

“Answer, it looks familiar.” he says with a smile. “Well, I’ll go because I’m literally slipping. Also, tell me what happens, okay?” he waves and you were left dumbfounded. 

“Sunwoo what do you...mean.” you look back and he was no longer there. How slick. 

You answer your phone, shakily bringing up to your ear. Sunwoo’s words add onto your anxiety. “Hello?” you say with a shaky breath. 

And the moment the opposite line began to speak, you froze. “Y/n, go home, I’m at your front door, I need to tell you something.” and he ends the call. You didn’t know what to feel, but your body moved for you.

You quickly go down the rooftop, climbing down the tree and walking inside the house. Bottles everywhere, food scattered. The smell of smoke, bottles and vomit were everywhere. There was even dried blood by the living room. You go to the front door, meeting Younghoon by the staircase with a cigarette. “Leaving so soon?” 

“Too boring for me.” you tell him. 

He shrugs, “it’s cause you’re sober.”

“I don’t need to be drunk to have fun. Now I have to go, I’ll see you tomorrow morning, hopefully you’re not as ruined as the rest.” you give him a genuine smile, and he replies with a grin. He takes a puff on his stick and you grab your coat by the side, and head out. 

It wasn’t a long walk. You had your hands in your pocket as you took your time to get home. You were nervous, you could’ve just blocked the number, but something told you to just give him what you wanted. 

After a few more minutes, there was the boy who’d requested for your appearance, strangely at your own home sitting at the front porch. As you open the gate and enter, he looks up and stands. “Y/n.” 

“Say what you want and leave.” Maybe you were too harsh on him. But as you feel guilty you remember the scene that liked to reappear in your dreams. 

“What if I want to be with you for now?”

You scoff at him, looking at him wide eyed as you try to repeat what he’d just said. “Excuse me?” you say, holding yourself back without giving him a slap. 

“I’d like to be with you, and I just… I know this is the right thing to do. So please hear me out before I say my last goodbye.” 

“Last hello too, huh.” you say in spite. 

He sighs, “please just let me, please?” he pleads, giving you the tilt of the head you can’t seem to resist. “Okay, then we’ll talk inside.” you say and push him to the side. 

You crouch as you lift your home’s rug, grabbing the key and unlocking your home. “Come on.” you say as your gesture for him to come inside with a nod. 

You both settle down on your living room’s couch as Eric sits comfortably. You hated it, the way he’s being so calm while you’re about to burst. The mere sight of him hurt you, and you were really hurt. But how could he come here and act like he never did anything? 

“I miss you, all my demons have your smile, in the city of angels.” he says so suddenly, but you hadn’t bought it. 

“If you’re going to sweet talk me, just leave.” 

He frowns, and leans towards you. You moved back, yet he crawled on the couch, til you leaned on its end. You push him off, a look of horror on your face, the feeling of betrayal once again, heart pounding as he looked at you with sad eyes. His hand on his chest as he tried to calm it down. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” you say. Spitting out more shouts of anger, getting nearer and nearer on him on the couch. You get on his lap as you hit his chest, but your thighs wrapping unconsciously around him like it was always used to. He held your hands and hugged you. 

“I’m leaving Y/n. I’m moving… back to LA.” He looks at your eyes. You pushed yourself away from him. 

You open your mouth, looking around you as you try to form a sentence. You force out your words, each space filled with a choked sob. “Is this why you broke up with me?” You wanted to throw up. It was too much for you to handle, this was too much. 

“I thought it would be better if… you end up hating me.”

Your hand comes in contact with his cheek. “I’m fine with a fucking long distance relationship! I’m fine! Why didn’t you tell me? We always told each other that…” you say, but you were dissociating. Your head spinning, you look at his eyes. You’ve seen this before, like deja vu. 

“Because I won’t be coming back. I’d stay there, and I don’t want you to be lonely. I know Sunwoo likes you. I just know he’d be a better fit. Besides, you would’ve dated him if he asked first.” Eric says with a chuckle. 

“But you’re the one I love Eric.” you say softly. Yet your mood changes quick, “fuck you. You’re just saying this for your selfish gain. You’re the one who doesn’t want to suffer.” you say, sobs in between. 

You wipe your tears. Eric stays silent for a moment, and maybe you were right. Maybe he doesn’t want to suffer, he doesn’t have the patience to wait til he could finally go back. And you were his first girlfriend. Time spent with you was vulnerable, but maybe you needed to break apart. Maybe you two were never meant for each other. 

“Can I at least have one last request?” he asks. You remove your hands from your eyes. Face puffy and eyes sore. Eric was right in front of you with a sad smile, and you couldn’t help but just give in, nodding weakly. 

He wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you close to him. You gasp at his sudden action, but you thought to yourself that this was meant to happen. And crashes your lips together, feeling each other's tears run down your faces. 

Closure.