#for those confused by all the dates:
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Castiel, Cas, is an angel - a warrior of god the size of the Chrysler building, forged by heaven and older than mankind itself - squeezed into the body of a man
And his most important mission was the salvation of one soul. Dean Winchester. A monster hunter. An abrasive, stubborn, broken and faithless man that died saving his brother.
He gripped him tight and saved him from perdition.
and for 11 fucking seasons, cas loved humanity, loved earth, loved dean winchester. Dean’s soul, his heart, his love and his care. What Cas saw, Dean couldn’t. Dean would deny being lovable with his dying breath. Irregardless, Cas loved ‘humanity’ so much that he was punished and cast out of heaven.
so, Cas fell and became human, a father and husband, killed his siblings, fought a war, became God, then an angel again, fell a second time, got possessed, Died, came back to life… and forgave, and forgave and forgave.
i admit i stopped watching the show after season 10. This👆? All in good fun, just fan theories and elaborate self-indulgent fantasies. just one big 15 year old inside joke.
so imagine my surprise:
nov 5th 2020.
what the fuck just happened?
i feel like i’ve been hit by a bus
did Castiel just say “I love you.” to Dean Winchester episde18x15 of Supernatural!? hello?!!?
Yes, castiel is insta killed and sent to mega-turbo-ultra hell, never to be seen or mentioned again.. but That Happened…
that’s real!!
Still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester.
Castiel, after 11 miserable seasons, years of queerbaiting, public disavowal from the producers, mockery from the actors, against all odds and at the threat of death, finally for a first and last time said. “I love you.”
I can’t even describe what that did to me.
I felt euphoric, gleeful, crushing grief, spitting hate, bone deep nostalgia, childish giddiness, pride, scepticism, shock, peace. lunacy. the full spectrum of human emotions, all at once.
like an electric film on an old tv screen. tangibly intangibile. a full body buzz.
there was something so so so fucking funny in the exact order of events on november 5th 2020. Putin’s rumoured resignation, the US election, Sherlock season 5?! and the cherry on top? The most homophobic gay confession of a decade’s long trash-fire internet breaking show.
Now, tumblr? Oh people know of Supernatural (the entity). but that night was different.
Spn sleeper accounts came out of the woodwork left and right for odious farewells, long time lurkers crawled into the limelight to feverishly gawk at the dead horse of the greatest queerbait canon and laugh, even some bystanders got sucked into the site-wide feeding frenzy of the spn fandom finally cannibalising its source material and it was the funniest thing I have ever witnessed. The energy was palpable, tumblr was Alive. Oh, it was glorious.
There will never be another November 5th 2020. It’s indescribable and I wish you could have been there.
#spn#destiel#nov 5th#my musings from 2 years ago#I get it now#they were gay and in love#effervescent <3#for those confused by all the dates:#Cas was in the show seasons 4-15 (for 12 years)#the whole show. season 1-15. ran for 15 years#will i post this? probably not
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Addition to that one post I made ages ago about Dream and Nightmare using very old language and confusing the people around them:
Boyfriend/girlfriend used to mean like, childhood/close friend of a particular gender
Cross comes back from hanging out with Epic and Nightmare off-handedly asks "Did you have fun with your boyfriend Epic?" and Cross splutters so hard he almost clips through the floor.
Meanwhile Ink wanders in from the void and Dream says "How's your boyfriend Error?" and Ink just replies "he's good"
#UTDR#UTMV#Nightmare Sans#Dream Sans#Ships are all implied so I'm not tagging them but you can interpret this as you like#Nightmare is especially confused about Cross freaking out because he says this to Killer all the time and gets nothing#Either because Killer and Color *are* dating and Killer just assumes Nightmare found out and is chill about it#Or he thinks Nightmare is doing some kind of bit and has been yes-and-ing him for years#Almost done with those drawings I swear#But this is further proof of how distracted I am at all times
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Of my 2% capacity to be attracted to anyone, my type is like 90% women, 5% pretty men and 5% men you would swear are super fucking manly, and never questioned being straight and cis, but are now suddenly *stressed* that they can't figure out why their attraction to me [fully socially interpreted as a woman and labelled that way up until relatively recently] feels incredibly fucking gay
#you are a straight man correct? Yes. Attracted to someone you view as a woman correct? Yes... But you are afraid that makes you gay?#Afraid is a strong word but also stop asking stupid questions#The end result is I tend to date a lot of men who either then realize they are women or bi or gay and I am there when they are taking out#the messiest parts of that on whoever they are with at the time#and on one hand it means I created a space that made them feel safe enough to self examine#but on the other hand I'm their last stop when the fallout hits#OR they just realize they find the expectations put on them for masculinity to be really oppressive even negligent or abusive#I would say I need to adjust my strategy and stop trying to 'woo' men the same way I don't actually -flirt- with women#but I have already solved this problem by refusing to date ever again#The retrospective is funny though#The problem is I am attracted to men in a gay way and to women in a gay way but no one tells you the consequence of that and looking#like a pretty butch is that it really confuses the straight guys#Like why is this guy who's usually hmmm... as dom and masc as you would imagine suddenly in my lap and red and having entire feelings#about the way I am holding his hip? He doesn't knoww either and he's really pressed about it#And that thing messy lesbians do where they act jealous of you and also like they want to fuck you at the same time that looks like a red#flag from hell? Imagine dragging that out of unsuspecting straight guys -menTM-#They don't know why they are acting like that around me either but it's going to go one of two ways#either it will seem overtly threatening and aggressive to everyone involved including themselves or they'll have enough social sense#and tact to be playful about it but still not be sure if they are flirting or whether they like me at all#I have patience for one of those and unfortunately[?] it's the guy who's in my lap looks like he's being tortured and can't find his footin#not the guy telling me how much he's going to beat my ass at some game and I am going to like it or some macho bullshit#And I will be oblivious for the first 50% of it#because if there are gods they are cruel#He never realized he's actually the little spoon be nice and give him a minute#He can't tell me he likes me if he doesn't know he likes me but I opened a jar for him and asked him about his feelings and now he's warm#I actually ended up never dating many women at all because of weird lesbian mixed signals and things#At least not while they were women#I don't flirt or make friends I just decide that people are mine and start taking care of them [while respecting their autonomy and shit]#and I am starting to think this is how I make problems for myself#yes I am playing 5-d chess with gender and am now a he/they but it is not what it is cracked up to be
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i was trying to figure out what date the trip album ids go by, and i think i did it hink it just counts all of the season that stella maris took place in But it was frustrating me at first bc. it has shinobu and tetora as 17 and midori as 16 and chiaki and kanata as 18 So itd be before chiaki kanata midori bday but after shinobu tetora so like, late june through late august But i was like wtf bc i felt like i rmbred stella maris being in earlier spring WELL ACTUALLY NO IM CONFUSED AGAIN BC STELLA MARIS Is spring of second year of es. so shouldnt they all be 1yr older than that Or am i stupid Or is it not going by date of stella maris.
#first i was confused bc i thought of stella maris as in like earlier spring like april or may so shinobu and tetora bday shouldnt have#passed yet but the#i mean if its in like the last few days of spring. then yeah their bdays would have happened. so i was like ok thats chill. plus i swear#tropical was specifically in like april so itd make sense for stella maris to be later spring#But now im more confused than before bc yeah shouldnt they all be 1 year older#if its second year of es#???????#do i not know how dates work or what#like with those ages wouldnt it be late spring/early summer of the First year of es ?????#but i assumed itd go by the date of their climax event so#well whatever#the little box thing the album came in is sooo cute it has a little handle#i dont even have a cd player but once i have like a car or smtg#going to get a decked out speaker system and blast relax paradise while speeding in residential areas
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also:
gundhams love interests: "i love you and genuinly care for you"
gundham, literally feeling the exact same way towards them: "...why? love isnt made for one such as i, take it elsewhere" only Dont Leave Him it will Break Him--
#he always assumes anyone who shows interest in him is only in it for Sex and nothing else#because that all anyone ever Wants from him#which hes fine with he doesnt mine casually affairs fwb one night stands etc#its when people want to Stay With Him that he gets confused#hes knows hes Attractive#but to love him?#he assumes its all just Words or that the other person is mistaken#and will realize they dont Actually want to Date Him#very few will he take those feelings at face value when told to him#muse: gundham tanaka#ooc
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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oh my god oh my god oh my god I just texted a guy in the sense of "I just texted a guy" this is not a thing I do, I feel as stupid about this as I did in high school holy shit help
And if you're like "what, phoebe, you don't date guys...?" IDK. I JUST DK.
And he hasn't texted me back so now I'm in a panic but it's been sixty seconds, like I messaged him and came straight here to panic about it, so like I need to chill tf out about it
How do I do this?? How do I do any of this??
But we met at a Halloween party and he made me feel so cute and sexy and confident and funny and I have only very rarely in my life felt *that* good about myself, and boy did he ever do it right. I felt on top of the world the whole time I was with him.
#the bartender#that's what imma call him#he's not one#but i think he fancies himself one#as like a cute lil hobby#anyway HELP#HOW DOES ONE DO THIS#I can do my taxes and drive a car#(why are those the only things that came to my head in the category of “things adults do”)#but I CAN'T NAVIGATE THIS SHIT#and it's polyamory which I have not done before which makes it EVEN SCARIER AND MORE CONFUSING#HELP#polyamory#dating#crushes#relationship#this is all terrifying
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I ended up reading The Price of the Phoenix and while it didn't make me want to bleach my eyes like Killing Time, I still didn't like it as much as I hoped I would. Don't get me wrong, the homoeroticism was intriguing to me, but the actual writing and storyline itself left me with a headache. I think I get my hopes up with these books, given all of the possibilities that the written word has for Trek, and it inevitably sets me up for disappointment lol
#if u liked it thats fine I just kind of hated it#star trek#The only ones Ive genuinely liked so far is STTMP and the one about Garak written by Andrew Robinson#i wish Roddenberry had written more. STTMP was no literary masterpiece but his writing style had a lot of potential and I feel that#he actually captured the characters authentically and you could relate to their feelings#Price of the Phoenix had all of this corny alpha male shit going on that almost made me feel#like the author just didn't know how to write men or something#Like they relied a lot on stereotypes of the time which sucked considering that Kirk and co. are supposed to be living in the future#the dialogue was clunky and even confusing at times#and the characters were just#idk. vapid to me#Like Kirk and Spock's love for each other is portrayed which is nice but basically everything else about them just didnt feel#accurately characterized or otherwise explored#it was basically just muliple chapters of several different versions of Kirk getting his ass kicked & this big weird villain dude taking up#space on the page with his plan to take over the universe or whatever#the reincarnation concept was intriguing but the themes just weren't clear enough for me#the end haha#sttos#k/s#review#price of the phoenix#well Im glad I read it anyway I was curious#i get kind of leary of certain K/S content TBF since a lot of it- esp around that time- comes off as voyeuristic towards M/M relationships#a lot of those ppl didnt exactly care about queer movements as much as they cared about seeing their two fictional favs fuck#yes there were queer writers but we didnt always exactly get center stage in these things#you can tell what is written with respect and whats just kinda. written. you feel me#i love K/S and its history but Im not gonna pretend all or even half of it was written with the intention of uplifting queer men#i ended up having more to say than I realized uhhhhhh to be continued at another date
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it's december 27th aka finale day but also aka COLIN'S BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY COLIN NOTFORBROADCAST I LOVE YOU
hope it's not as bad as the one in '91!
#not for broadcast#colin sprong#EVERYBODY IT'S COLIN'S BDAY THE MOST IMPORTANT DATE OF ALL#those screencaps END ME it's so funny jfgfkj jenny looks SO confused lmao
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sometimes i swear the answer key that must’ve been submitted to blackboard is wrong
#what do you mean#'after a half-life passes which of the following has happened? a. the parent isotope decreases b. the same amount of time has passed since#the last half-life c. the daughter isotope increases d. both a and b e. both b and c f. both a and c#g. all the the above h. none of the above'#how is the answer NOT all of the above????#ALL OF THOSE HAPPEN WITHIN ONE HALF-LIFE#THE AMOUNT OF TIME FOR ONE HALF-LIFE TO PASS IS ALWAYS THE SAME#UNLESS EVERY SCIENCE TEACHER IVE HAD SINCE GRADE 9 HAS BEEN LYING TO ME!!!!!#and the daughter isotope ALWAYS increases CORRELATIONALLY with the parent isotope DECREASING#i did a second attempt and put both a and c since i thought that's what ??? what??? what?????#utterly confused. was there no right answer.#tales from diana#there were some other ones too on my retake attempt that just didn't make sense w my original answer OR my changed answer#every multiple choice question i got wrong on my first attempt i STILL got marked as wrong on my second attempt#so i was like????#my professor goes through and grades them all manually after the exam date#especially bc of the diagrams that half to be labelled where if you don't label them exactly how blackboard EXPECTS you to#they don't get marked as correct. like i used a comma for a multiple-answer instead of the word 'and'#and when i changed it to 'and' on my second attempt i got full points#but the multiple choice ones i got wrong. there were only five of them. but like. fuck it. at least two of them i was RIGHT on fuck it.
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me when the red flags warned me exactly about what was gonna happen and i still ignored them
#and still having a hard time telling him to fuck off and never speak to me again because his personal situation right now is so bad+#i couldn't live with myself if i left him alone during all this#it's so unfair to ask me to be patient and wait until he makes up his head#it's just. fuck off dude literally fuck off#half a year dating and now you hit me with the 'i just don't know if im ready to call you my girlfriend' lmaoooooooooooooooooo#but still ask me to not break contact because you don't want to lose me? oh my god lmao#okay go on fucking isolate yourself from those who really fucking care about you while your mum is dying im sure that'll help you clear+#your mind and make you feel better#im just so. confused and conflicted lmao#because i know what's best it's for me to just block him and never speak to him again#but i don't want to lose him? he's pretty much my only friend#and it hurts to let go of someone that you felt so comfortable with like i genuinely felt at ease around him#and again there's a big part of me that still cares about him bc of everything he's going through#but im gonna give and give and give and get nothing in return aren't i#and just get hurt EVEN MORE#'you don't deserve to suffer because of me and i don't want to put you through that' mission failed :)#because im really hurt right now#but whatever#it'll pass
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being aro but having a crush is so strange.
#or arospec or yada yada whatever suffixes you want to add that you think describe my experience best#<- thats passive aggressive. srsly dont tell me what words im allowed to use#tobin talks#BUT ITD SO STRNGE BC LIKE. afaik this guy is allo & straight & cis. and i am well none of those#but in all ways if we were to date we’d just look like a straight couple DHFJCNCN#its a little bit silly. a little bit goofy.#and very confusing if i do say so myself
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Thinking: what if Beth was to die because she's (kind of) friends with Aaron & that traumatized him even more after Haley. What if that pushed him even closer to his team (and Dave specifically).
#what if he relized that there is nothing for him outside the field#*realized#and the person that he should've dated all those years was next to him all along#i might or may not make it about hossi#but i can't stop thinking about that beth part#what do you mean i hate aaron? i LOVE him#i just dislike that het trope#in every confusing situation kill characters you dislike (or tropes that come with them)#cm#aaron hotchner#it's like a gut feeling#i feel like she should disappear at some point#but i don't see in which way exactly yet#maybe she gets cold feet or whatever#i really don't need that het trope with aaron tbh
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Shakes the bars of my cage I need to draw soooo bad I need to draw I need to draw let me draw I have to draw I need to draw I must draw (<- has been too sick to be on electronics much and doesn't like doing traditional art)
#rat rambles#Im starting to feel better tho Im betting within a day or two Ill have made a full recovery#but I just have so many things I wanna draw all the sudden and its killing me#its because I've been thinking abt ocs again and that gives me a lot more options lol#in particular I've been thinking abt marci and toon more again recently#its just the two of them flirting in their mutual workplace environment with toon being dead serious and marci doing it ironically#the main thing is that marci was rly under the impression that toon like. hated her and was taunting her since they're friends with loonie#who long story short is marci's ex childhood best friend who she fell out with after the death of loonie's mom#the two are not on good terms in the slightest and marci knows very well that loonie would want her dead if she had been more honest#so as toon starts to like get more casual and like genuine with marci as the two spend more time together marci warms up somewhat but still#doesn't rly see toon as a friendly figure until they take her out to a museum and marci kind of snaps a bit and asks toon to stop beating#around the bush and is caught off guard when toon seems genuinely kind of hurt and meekly explains that they were just trying to help her#because she had seemed rly stressed and sad all the time and they thought that their lil dates had been helping her relax a bit#that confrontation left marci initially feeling confused but after the initial shock she was mostly left with a sense of dread and guilt#partially because she had just snapped at someone who she had grown to care abt for no reason and partially because she now felt that she#was hiding stuff from toon that would cause them to change their mind on her immediately if they knew#aka that she and loonie are divorced and that she thinks its mom sucked absolute ass (which she did)#oh and also that she used to have a crush on the guy that killed its mom who was also his mom which is also the reason she hates said mom#said mom treated him (aka midas) like shit and tried to get him killed several times#so when all hell broke loose marci at the end ended up mourning midas much more than his mom who everyone else was mourning#including loonie since it actually had a very positive relationship with its mom and a very distant relationship from its siblings#now marci never admitted all of this to anyone but she did act on those feelings to eventually lash out at loonie causing a huge fight#basically she yelled at it for being pushy and clingy and forcing her into a job she didnt want and expecting her to solve all its problems#the two dont necessarily hate eachother but they definitely heavily resent eachother#they still often long for eachothers companionship but not nearly enough for either to wanna make ammends#so toon quite liking both of them causes some internal conflict for the both of them#loonie is fully aware that toon has a big ol crush on marci but doesnt stop them from being friends with her even if it makes it sad#and marci rly wishes that toon wasnt friends with loonie but feels guilty for feeling that way#its a complicated situation and one that rly isn't helped by the fact that one of the three has the dead god queen mom#loonie could get away with a Lot and everyone knows it
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Europeans who complain abt american candy in an american candy store fuck off
#what am i gonna do abt it im just some girl#this dude comes in looking for truffles and goes right to the box so i assume he knows what he wants but i still explain it to him#and show him a picture of what exactly it will look like and tell him its an assortment of all the truffles we make#hes looking at the best by date thats in like 365 format abd hes like this is confusing why do you do this#and im like oh sorry it makes it easier for us inventory wise and hes like well its harder for me#and im explaining that its best by like peak of freshness that itll still be okay after thata#and he like goes off abd looks at stuff abd im helping someone else out and he goes back to the truffles and is fucking up the display#just took it apart to look at the dates abd i told him theyre all the same theyll be fine through april#and im helping some other lady and he walks to the register and stands there im clearly the only worker here#and i cant tell them like hey line starts here i have to ring up the person im helping at a diff register and say ill be with u soon#then offer a sample as apology that they cant read or stand in lines#and im checking him out and he gets confused when i ask if he would like a sample of candy and hes like i just want truffles#and im like okay yeah i have a sample of one of those its hazelnut is that okay? and hes like no!! just chocolate chocolate i want a truffle#and im like yeah it one and he has like a relaization that he didnt exclsuovely get chocolate truffles#and im like yeah its coffee and chocolate and fruit filling LIKE I SHOWED HIM WHEN I SHOWED HIM THE PICTURE#and i hadnt finished the transaction yet so i was like i can exhnage it and hes like sighing being like no no its FINE i guess#like SORRY MAN BABY im trying to help you#and hes like in eurpoe u get so spoiled u get to eat it right as its made its so nice and not full of preservative#fyi our candy doesnt have preservatives either#and hes like i guess ill have to go w american candy that lasts for years upon years and im like well ours dont do that so#also he walkes directly to the truffle box and said these are truffles right so he had to have lookes this up in some capacity#we've been voted like best in the country its good chocolate#sorry u cant eat it off line
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Bro I just realized if I get the role I want in the spring musical I might have to kiss someone
GUYS I'VE NEVER PROPERLY KISSED ANYONE???
#i kissed a girl once in seventh grade on a dare and i had no idea what i was doing#idk what im doing#and the boys who have a chance at playing the character id have to kiss have all been in relationships before#and im!! here!! i guess!!#god thats so embarrassing lmao#like im honestly not that uncomfortable kissing someone boohoo but i am uncomfortable having to say that idk how!!!#especially because what if my confusion is just met with like. 'youll get it.' NO I WONT#AAAAAAAAA#like dude!!! idk how to do this! or go about this!#last year in the show when there was some kissing it wasn't until like the day before opening that they actually did it!!!#and good for them but also like! scary!! i cant kiss!!!#also one of those couples dated irl so like. barely counts.#BUT GIRL HELP IF I GET THIS ROLE I WILL BE TOAST#thank god the boys who might play the character id have to kiss are people i know are really chill and respectful and ive known for years#😵💫😵💫😵💫#ignore me being a theater kid
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