#forgive me if this is incomprehensible it's very late

[willicebattlecatsblog]

chemicals in the lake are making the cats GAY >:(

Basically a masterpost about this specific AU

-Lionblaze transman, autistic and won't pick up any social cue.

-Lionblaze is not a calico, he is a chimera

-Lionblaze big guilt and OCD over his power

-Lionblaze fears he will end up like Scourge as a part of his OCD (i have to find a way to let everyone know that Scourge is related to Firestar tho....)

-Lionblaze and Toadfoot only aknowledge each other in The Fourth Apprentice when they are on their way to the beavers and they become gay

-Lionblaze keeps his personality from late po3 (kind of dumb, can't pick up any clue, very ocd, is socially very awkward and clumsy, clearly needs help to navigate social situations properly)

-Lionblaze is very much the same as in canon, very flawed, he is still the most forgiving of the 3 and does try to talk it out with Squirrelflight and Leafpool, he feels very isolated in his clan due to the prophecy, the lies around his birth and Hollyleaf being presumed dead, which makes him more prone to have a relationship with an outsider instead of a thunderclan warrior

-Toadfoot also went through losing a sibling (Marshkit), he doesn't have a canonical father so I think he would be very attached to his mom (Tallpoppy) and remaining sibling (Applefur), he is also seen being playful, friendly and understanding towards Flametail I love toadfoot

-Lionblaze and Toadfoot have big rivals to lovers energy and it was my favorite weird "crack" ship when I was 13

-The AU also centers around the flaws of StarClan and their weird mechanic that keeps changing over time (ashfur goes to starclan because he just found his way there, and leafpool gets to go through a whole trial somehow???)

-Living cats and StarClan fight dark forest first, and then living cats turn more or less against StarClan for being as incomprehensible as possible, doing blatant favoritism, letting bad seeds get in and throwing out overall good cats, and the warrior code will also be reformed because it's way overdue grrrr

-Maybe Dovewing and Ivypool are the babies of Hollyleaf and Cinderheart instead of Birchfall and Whitewing ? I never really liked that Dovewing was indeed linked to the 3 but she was so far away in family tree tbh :((

-Lionblaze will have babies with Toadfoot as some point (Maybe adopted ? I don't know yet) and they won't have many children, and I will do everything in my power to get rid of all the current incest in the books >:(

-I think the babies of Lionblaze and Toadfoot will look like Tallpoppy and Leafpool because i love them

-Leafpool, Squirrelflight and Tallpoppy will both be aware of the relationship at some point, but they will keep their mouth shut and be supporting mothers because they are very cool and progressive

-I don't know if I will ever write fanfiction about this, I am already working on a clangen project, so if I do anything about it it will only be a small side project ! I use this AU to rewrite things that make me happier than the canon version (like making transman OCD autistic lionblaze, i find it easier for me to relate to him) :)

I hope you like it, I shall disappear again for a while now, I have art fight attacks to work on >:)

[starlit1daydream]

Gordon Freeman's classpect: and why you're all wrong about it

well forgive me for the hostile-sounding title there, but as it stands i'm yet to see a single other person with this take.

the unanimous agreement for gordon's title seems to be heir of hope - which i will give credence to as making a lot of sense at face value. the heir is the class of the typical 'hero' and hope is the aspect of belief, faith, deficiation, angelic symbolism. on paper, it works perfectly for a man held in such high regard as a saviour and liberator.

but what of gordon's personality? what little of it we see, of course.

the heir of hope argument applies a classpect to gordon not as a person, but as a concept.

gordon freeman the concept is an heir of hope, for sure.

but gordon freeman, the man?

gordon freeman, the scientist who was late to his first day on the job? whose brief glimpses into his personality include blowing up a man's casserole for no clear reason and solving every problem with a crowbar?

the gordon freeman who has been jumping from trauma to trauma for twenty years under the machinations of a sinister interdimensional bureaucrat?

hear me out here.

gordon freeman is a bard of void.

now, i should probably explain my thoughts on the bard class and the void aspect before going any further, since this entire take hinges on my very specific take on both things.

in my eyes, the bard (the passive destroyer) is somebody who initially ghosts adherence to their opposing aspect, until a traumatic incident or dire crisis suddenly pushes them into an influx of their real aspect. they change their tune from passively destroying their aspect in themselves to passively destroying through their aspect. bards are capricious, unpredictable people who are often cowardly, avoidant or lazy in their ways.

the aspect of void, the antithesis of light, deals with the eldritch and the unknown. void is shadow, void is doubt and obsfucation, it is by its very nature unknowable and exists in the dark corners of one's mind. void is narrative irrelevance given (a lack of) form.

so, how does this fit into gordon freeman's narrative?

let's get into his head.

gordon freeman is a man who, prior to the black mesa incident, has lived his life adhering to knowledge and science. he's studied, got a degree, probably quite passionate about science. the statistics, the thirst for knowledge and understanding, all of this paints a picture of light.

light players are the ultimate students, as the extended zodiac says, they are the knowledge-seekers who wish to understand the world around them and comprehend the most fortuitous path better than any other.

the guy shows up late to his first day on the job. a man with more degrees than should be feasible and he can't even show up to work on time. this is the first hint of gordon being a bard, it's an incredibly lazy and capricious action that also hints at his passive destruction of light through his lack of fortune.

and it's that fateful test that changes everything - you all know the one i mean.

the one that suddenly inundates him with void. suddenly, gordon's world is unknowable, incomprehensible, he is a slave to the plot and forced to keep driving forward a narrative to which he ultimately has no say in. it's another example of the traits of a bard, who generally do seem to be reduced to narrative devices. (we see this a lot with gamzee.)

gordon is consumed among the alien and eldritch, and emerges from black mesa's ruins anew. a man whose existence is defined by contradiction, doubt, obfuscation, and everything that void stands for.

we see it again and again throughout the series. his very existence within the combine's rigidly defined, meticulous and mechanical empire defies principle. he is the anticitizen, his presence within their world is a contradiction just by his very being. he is undocumented, an anomaly that shouldn't be. and that scares the shit out of them.

and it should! because, as a bard of void should, gordon destroys their empire through void. his very existence is enough to spark the revolution (which in itself is tied to the aspects of hope and rage) and the destruction he brings about is through his nature as the anticitizen. the contradiction, the hole in their logic. he casts doubt upon the system that they've forced into place and he does so while continually being surrounded by the eldritch and the unknown.

he does so while in servitude to the eldritch, actually. i think that g-man himself is a player of space (to be more specific, i think he is a lord) but i think that there is also a lot of void symbolism within the g-man's character and his 'employers' more specifically.

and you know what really cinches my argument?

gordon freeman, player of void, embodiment of the unknown and the obsfucation, of the silence and emptiness, of the doubt and darkness?

he never utters a single word.

i will revise this entire thing once i wake up tomorrow because it's currently 10pm for me and this is going to look incredibly lazily worded/formatted when i get up in the morning

but for now i suppose you can all take this rambling mess of uncoordinated madness and tell me how wrong i am

[aeonophagic]

I'm really glad you enjoyed these! the translator is actually user 17979 on here, they've written some really good After God fanfics and are a good friend of mine! the other parts they've translated are: original: "His soul seemed to have left his body. He was unfettered. There was no fear or panic. He felt nothing."

original: "It does not matter. They are one and the same. I need his power. I underestimated him."

and this one is more just a funny one from our treasured translator:

I'll have you know I had about the same reaction to the "You are the story I started 50.000 years ago" line, it just brings up so many questions; VA's lore is scattered as it is and very little is given to us, so just dropping something like this in a convo I doubt a lot of people have read is so [vague hand gestures] it's quite late at night when I'm writing this so forgive any incomprehensibility: the line itself, combined with some others there ("It's tone was surprisingly laden with grief, as if it was lamenting a past that could not return") read to me as slightly contrary to VA being merely a Divine Key, it sounds like he has an amount of history in the PE; my personal idea that is pure unadulterated speculation is that VA might have started out as just a person who had something to do with the PE HoR? it would explain the fact that he repeatedly speaks to a "you" which is clearly not actually Joey in this convo and doesn't seem to be Welt Joyce either considering the 50k years thing, that is to say maybe VA even inherited the core (woo Welt paralel) of the PE HoR; considering that Vill-V does say that the Core of Reason is fucking weird [paraphrasing] and, at least if my memory is holding up, Welt did retreat into the Herrscher Core at least once to avoid dying, there's nothing saying VA couldn't have also pulled that and ended up getting his ass merged with that Fragment of Prommy and turned into the only DK we know to be sentient, I dunno I'm sleep deprived that being said the 3rd line I sent last time would imply that VA was also like not human if all of this happened... I'll just say he yoinked a body Orokapi style and call it a day cuz I think if I keep trying to get these thoughts down on paper they will actually become complete word vomit [thumbs up emoji] anyhow the ramble section ended up being longer than I intended... but the fact that we really know so little of his lore does make my brain go haywire, if they ever explain Void Archives' lore properly that'll probably all be disproven but it's what I came up with considering what we know (and I remember)

“There was no more gravity that bound him to the mortal world” I think this one is in reference to Void Archives likely using the Fenghuang Down… ouuu

I definitely think the PE Herrschers besides Elysia all being nothing more than the names of said Herrschers in the story is one of the things that blocks my road here. Me and a friend have theorised plenty of things about the PE HoR, but none can be confirmed, none are even implied!!! A character with such a nothingburger that you can just make shit up and no one could tell you yes or no. My favorite theory is that the PE HoR looked just like Otto, but a girl. Because it’s funny. But now I don’t know… I can’t sacrifice my integrity for humor… I think the idea of the person that used to be what later became Void Archives was a part of the HoR core is really interesting. It would take from the whole “artificial thing struggles with humanity”, because then they’d have already been human once, but at the same time it would be as if they were reclaiming their humanity which is also intriguing etc etc… it’s really interesting. I initially thought Void Archives’ sentience came from them being part Prometheus since she’s sentient too, but at the same time why would Vill-V merge them with her then..? Because Prometheus is an AI so she can handle the “ever expanding knowledge”? Don’t know… so much left in the air, most Void Archives lore we know is stitched together thanks to No.17 who hasn’t talked about them even once. Thank you for sharing!!! I’m having lots of thoughts…

[hitsuzenhusbands]

hey! i hope you're having a good day! i just read your (amazing!) asoue fic "ashes to ashes," and i was fascinated by the way you portrayed kit and olaf. i thought i'd send this ask because i'd really love to hear more of your thoughts on their dynamic if you feel like sharing? but if you don't feel like expanding on it, i totally understand! thank you so much for sharing your beautiful work on ao3!

OHH anon you are so kind...i apologize for being so extremely late but i just finished writing a little analysis so i figured now's about the right time to write a semi-legible response. might have been scary and incomprehensible otherwise. but i am finally here to scream and cry and thank you so desperately because im SO happy you enjoyed them AND decided to ask for more info! <3

to begin, i'd be absolutely inconsolable if i didn't point you towards @virginian-wolfsnake's fic the eye of the storm, probably one of my fave k&o fics of all time that delves into the meat of their relationship through the years from the perspective of kit. they're young and still excited by missions and flirty and tender and genuine, and, in time, when the rest of their world collapses, so do they--messy and tense and so wonderfully realistic you have to read it and then read it again. honestly, if you don't want to read the rest of this but still want an answer, just read that. but also read it anyway

and now i have to ask you to forgive me...i have not read the books in a very long time and while i know the netflix series (in comparison) is bad and awful and terrible, i have watched it a million times. so if i'm wrong on anything. that's why.

to begin, the version of olaf i depicted in my fic is at the height of his...how do you say...pathetic misery. not including the spiral he has during the series. to me, the death of his parents are the beginning of his downfall into something-like-insanity, but he's still (and will continue to be) recognizably himself, if that makes sense. he's always been messy and emotional and dramatic (see the line: "...Kit has seen him in worse states and with a much better view..."), but only now does he reveal not a different side of himself per se, but a different angle of one that already existed.

im a fervent believer that olaf's always been a little self destructive and a lot crazy. hes spent the greater half of his life coming to terms with the fact that he is intrinsically not as noble as the rest of vfd--hes impulsive and obnoxious and self-obsessed, barely even literate at times--and it takes a special kind of guy to carve the insignia of the organization full of people he despises into his own front door. still, his parents' death was a catalyst, meaning he wasn't entirely opposed to vfd beforehand. he probably liked the missions and the secrecy and the dramatics, obviously the disguises and everything, but i think before the night at the opera it was really just a source of fun for him. he never truly grasped the reality of it, the nature of his actions and the weight of his involvement. whether that was out of naivety or pure neglect of the facts is up for debate. (there's a little bit of this in the shattering of thalia and melpomene if that interests you at all, beloved anon. see the line: "...[Esme] could never compare to the extent to which [Olaf] removes himself from everyone else entirely. How he spends so much time worrying about himself he almost forgets to worry about himself...Esme could never truly get lost in her own greatness. Could never turn a blind eye to the inner workings of V.F.D.")

kit, on the other hand, definitely did. serving as a volunteer was her purpose, the sole thing she had to cling to. she dedicated her life to it, making conscious decisions to go against her moral code in the hope that it all truly was for a greater good. i think, at times, she could fall into her own little fits of self-destruction, putting vfd above herself entirely (see the line: "This wouldn’t be the first time she’d done something she would never truly volunteer for...he’d still spent year after year watching her run off...to do something she could never speak of." "...she still returned with clenched teeth and knit eyebrows, as though she had no choice in the matter at all.")

to avoid any more convolution, in my mind it goes something like this: both are volunteers--olaf born and raised (along with beatrice), kit torn from her family and thrust into the thick of it so early on its all she knows. they grow up, probably-definitely know each other but dont know each other until, say, late teens-early twenties?

up until then, they've been everything previously described, but intermingling with one another changes this. olaf's easygoing approach rubs off on kit, partly because she finds more joy in his company than in missions, partly because he makes every attempt to keep her from leaving. i like to think she tries to keep his relatively flimsy moral code in check, or at the very least restrain his temper to the best of her abilities.

to me, they're a simultaneously great and terrible couple. at their best, they counteract each other in a positive way as described above and serve as a welcome distraction from the realities of a crumbling vfd, a little island of tenderness and domesticity in the ocean of turmoil that surrounds them.

and at their worst, their personalities combat so violently it's hard to see how they ever could have been together. olaf deals out the worst of it, prone to neglect and self-isolation, a deeply inset refusal to discuss anything with her, an inclination towards firestarting and an increasingly poor reputation with everyone kit knows. then again, kit isn't free of blame (if you can call it that), she's just as opposed to talking anything out as he is, and her isolation takes on the shape of running off to do as many missions as as she can before she's dead on her feet. she's pulled in different directions--a well-instilled hatred towards firestarers, only further influenced by whatever rumours olaf's growing list of enemies supplies her, versus her love for him, her knowledge of who he really is, a concept that is often tested. (see the line: "He’s reminded of a fight they once had, about something or other, that ended in her angry admission that it was easier to be upset with him when he wasn’t nearby.") 

anyway, the idea is they grow further and further apart both ideologically and physically/relationship-wise until the opera night and the crash following that (see: the whole fic!) and from then on i think they fall into something like an evil situationship. they barely see each other, complete opposite sides of the schism. i say situationship because i think when they do see each other (on missions, at events/in public, in private, etc.) it is just a terrible experience no matter what. they're both torn between hating the other for what they know about them/what they did (i like to think olaf finds out about kit supplying the darts) and reminiscing/yearning for what they once had.

for the sake of this i wont give my thoughts on whose baby kit has because that's a whole other thing (not really. its just more of a fun hc i think about on occasion as opposed to something concrete in canon or even my version of canon) but their scene in the end does make me insane. its a culmination of all the time spent wishing what happened didnt happen, almost as though theyre seeing each other for the first time once again, perhaps not blind to the past but looking away for (on olafs part) one final moment of normalcy.

i hope thats what you were looking for to any degree, anon. im a little rusty on my lore but they matter to me soo much. if i have to leave this on anything, its go read eye of the storm. kitlaf fic of all time.

[mx-lamour]

1 - Wine

“I never drink… wine,” Alek intoned, as deeply as he could, thoroughly butchering Strahd’s native accent in dramatic caricature. He blinked, setting down his glass of the dark red liquid, and thumped a fist gently against his own chest to produce a stunted belch which left him looking a bit perplexed.

His little display would have been terribly insulting, but for the fact that it was, on all counts, simply inaccurate. Strahd reached across the relatively small table and lifted the glass from Alek’s hand. “Why do you think I stock my cellar with wine, if not to drink it?” he challenged. Strahd swirled the contents lightly, observing the slight syrupy cling about its edges.

Alek’s eyes narrowed, an eyebrow raised conspiratorially as he leaned in—or rather swayed—closer. “You do it for me, I’d bet.”

“Indeed?”

“I’ve had…” Alek fell back again, peering down at himself as though to assess whether he was, in fact, still attached to all his limbs. “...all of it,” he said vaguely.

“All of it?” Strahd echoed, a faint smile pulling at one side of his mouth.

Alek’s elbow thumped against the table top, and he jabbed a finger in Strahd’s direction. “’Cept that. Drink it, or I’m right.”

It was true that Strahd did not often imbibe, and when he did it was very little. He found that his head ached too quickly, and he had seen the ill effects of alcohol on some of their eldest comrades. Altogether, the risks often outweighed the benefits. But Strahd could easily stoop to this particular challenge. He raised the glass to Alek, then drank deeply from it, tipping his head back. He deposited the empty vessel back into Alek’s waiting hand, whose dilated gray eyes were now wrought with suspicion.

Alek looked into the glass, then back at Strahd. “I’m still right,” he decided.

Strahd did not bother to argue. Alek was drunk. And what did it matter who drank most of the wine in his cellar, so long as Strahd had given it freely? Exquisite drinks were a feature of etiquette, a tool in diplomatic relations, denoting a status of wealth and refinement, which often served to inspire awe or intimidation, depending on the visitor. That anyone appreciated Strahd’s selection beyond that was of little consequence.

Alek’s finger absently traced the rim of the glass, stationed once again on the table. Strahd was pulled out of his musings by the eerie feeling that he was being appraised at this moment.

“Are you satisfied?” Strahd asked dryly.

An easy grin lit upon Alek’s face. “Of course.” He added, cryptically, “Some get better with age.”

Then Alek rose from his chair, managing to remain mostly steady in doing so. “I had better leave you to…” He waved vaguely about the room. “...before I do something foolish.”

“I’m afraid it’s too late for that,” said Strahd.

Alek balked at this news, and then he laughed, sheepishly. “Forgive me, then.” He leaned on the table, scooping up Strahd’s hand from its surface to press his lips against Strahd’s knuckles. Strahd’s heart skipped. His mind seemed to be at once racing and absent of thought. The gesture was unusual between them.

“Good evening, my lord” Alek said with a flourish, further baffling the incomprehensible moment.

Alek had made it halfway to the door when a soft correction of “...Strahd” reached his ears.

He paused, glancing back at Strahd over his shoulder, expression lopsided but fond.

“I know.”

Then Strahd was left alone, with a vague feeling of driftlessness and a budding headache. Resting his elbows on the table before him, Strahd pressed his knuckles to his lips.

* * *

[Ao3 collection]

[prompts list by @syrips]

[fictionkinfessions]

so seeing more marble hornets kins here lately has got me thinking. about how different i am from most of the ones i see, mostly. i don't miss anyone or anything from that life. there was no yaoi in my canon. tim was not my friend, jessica was not my friend, brian was not my friend, akex was definitely not my friend [and i doubt i'll ever forgive him!]. seeing others from the source here be all sappy is like... i dunno. good for you, genuinely! but we are so utterly and incomprehensibly different. i hold no nostalgia for that life. very little affection for the people i knew. i've put it all behind me, and thank god for that.

- jay merrick [#🥀☔️🥀]

x

[conningconvert]

I’ve been thinking about Jesus a lot lately, both for school and personal reasons. Mainly his nature, both fully divine and fully human, and what that means.

Now forgive me if I say anything blatantly incorrect, as I haven’t read the entire bible and haven’t been to church in several weeks. What I’m saying is mostly things I’ve been told/thought of at school in a less religious and more analytic context.

As humans, there is an inherent disconnect between us and God. Heaven and earth are two distinct spheres, with a sort of gap between them. God can cross this gap, obviously, but we cannot. Not on our own. This is where Jesus comes in. Rather than belonging to either Heaven or earth, he belongs to both simultaneously - he is fully human and fully divine at the same time. He can cross that gap, the only human who can, and going with him is the only way we can reach Heaven. This is why everyone was in hell before Jesus came. None of us, even the most righteous, could cross the gap on their own.

Humans are social animals. We connect with each other, and we need that. We assign human traits and emotions to animals and objects, otherwise we find it difficult to, well, connect. God is very much unlike us, and very much incomprehensible. I do believe it’s impossible, as we are now on earth, to truly connect with GOD. What we can and do do, however, is connect with Jesus. His humanity belongs on earth with us, we see it, we understand it, and we follow it. From there, through him, we can reach Heaven, and eternal connection with God.

The human side of Jesus, the part that belongs on earth, is what we see and connect with. He, fully human, takes our hands. He, fully God, leads us to salvation.

[pricechecktranslations]

In a previous post you mentioned the "official" translation for the Daughter of Evil novel is garbage. Could you give me some examples of what the translators got wrong?

There is no official English translation of the Daughter of Evil novel, in scarequotes or otherwise. The translation I was referring to was a fan translation made in 2014 by a handful of individuals, only some of whom knew Japanese (and even then, not at a level that I would consider necessary for translating a full novel). At least one person who contributed to the translation admitted to copying and pasting a Chinese translation into Google Translate for the sections they worked on.

To give an overview, the translation has very poor quality control. There are large chunks of the novel that are roughly accurate (though they often read very awkwardly or nonsensically, especially as they kept a lot of the Japanese syntax), but there are also many instances where it deformed the meaning of a line beyond recognition, or outright wrote the exact opposite thing the line was saying. There is more than one scene where they just straight up left a line untranslated in Japanese. Don't get me wrong--the work was passable as an information resource so people could know what was in the novel, but it was never treated like just an information resource. It was treated and advertised to people as a standard translation of the novel, conveying the tone and intent of the text--and in that regard, it failed. Maybe I'm a snob when it comes to creative writing, but I can't even stand reading it for long. Mothy's writing was merely amateurish--this translation was atrocious.

My examples are under the read-more. The entire translation is riddled with errors, so I hope you'll forgive me if the list is a bit long. It is by no means comprehensive.

Line on the left in bold quoting from the old translation. Line on the right is quoting mine (not that mine is perfect but I guarantee you I at least could read Japanese when making it). In the interest of fairness, I'll admit that without a copy of the original Cloture, I can't be 100% certain what differences are a result of revisions on mothy's end or not. But I'm fairly confident that these ones I've selected are mistranslations.

"I’m beginning to worry about narrow-minded Asan, who seems to be looking at his past right now." -- "Beginning to worry for the timid man, I glanced his way."

"I heard strange rumors circulating among the chefs that the ingredients they got from the recent barn were unnatural." -- "I heard the cooks passing around a strange rumor. That apparently the food from our stores has been unusually light lately."

"What I’m proud of is the fact that one of the “Three Heroes”, Leonhart Avadonia, and some aristocrats who only know how to line their own pockets, are the outstanding personalities of the citizens in the first place." -- "I was very proud of my father. Leonhart Avadonia of “The Three Heroes” was different from the other, selfish nobles. He was a magnificent person, who thought of the people first and foremost."

"I really don’t understand what part of struggling with these kinds of liquids is good." -- "It is simply incomprehensible what you would find good about such a bitter juice."

"Oh, this isn’t how Riliane practices it."-- "Heh heh, that was just like something Riliane would say, wasn’t it?"

"She also said that it’s her first time to meet Germaine." -- "Germaine said that to me too, the first time we met"

"There is no plan, ah!" -- "That’s far too reckless!"

"Take advantage of the ones not yet killed before I escape" -- "I’m going to quickly escape while you’re unable to kill me"

"Since the day father was killed, I finally got the chance to taste wonderful tasting wine." -- "Since the day that Dad was killed, I hadn’t been able to enjoy the taste of wine."

"The child, can I really?" -- "Is she really on board with this?"

"Though the revolution was soon suppressed as Minis expected." -- "I had thought that the revolt would be immediately suppressed, but it seems that things didn’t go according to Minis’ expectations."

"Overconcentrated, make a ring around Chivality’s camp." -- "By gathering together into one single line, we would be able to make an opening in the knights’ group."

"And also, everything seems to have settled down, so you have to worry" -- "Don’t be so cautious. I have no intention of taking over Lucifenia."

(as a side note, this same group also did a translation of Wiegenlied, as well as (AFAIK) several of the evillious-sidestories translations).

[mister13eyond]

I just saw the oc ask game, sooo what about 8,11 and 40 for all three of the boys!

OUUUH THANK YOU!

Uncommon OC Questions 8.) What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child ?

Vin: Demons (and angels) don't really HAVE childhoods- they just kinda spring fully formed into existence one day- but I'd say he was most frequently scolded for zoning out/daydreaming, and would be told to pay attention/stop fidgeting!

Asphodel: Same as above, they were never necessarily a CHILD, but when they were a newly born angel, I think they got scolded for the childish habit of constantly asking why?. Being an angel is supposed to be about faith and devotion, so their curious streak was seen as questioning authority (eventually, it WAS)

Ves: Undoubtedly to stop bringing in animals from outside. I think he was the type that was constantly trying to rescue cats/dogs/injured birds, and his family did NOT need one more mouth to feed (as they could barely manage what they had) so he'd get scolded for it and told to throw them back out. He, uh, never really did get any better about that, he just collects wayward mafiosi now.

11.) How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

Vin: Blank, head-empty stare. He does spend a SOLID chunk of his existence in a state of mild confusion (things are very strange and incomprehensible for a sheltered demon experiencing the world for the first time) so his tendency is usually to go "Huh! I have NO IDEA what that means!" [proceeds about his day unbothered]

Asphodel: Obsessive research. The moment they don't understand something they start digging into any sources they can find, hoping to assemble an answer, and this usually leads to a LOT of research, often hunting through multiple sources to try and find the most reliable. Which is a bit troublesome when it comes to more abstract, less easily researched things like feelings, opinions, personal decisions etc. Whoops....

Ves: He's the type to press someone for info- it can accidentally veer into "interrogation" territory if he's too wound up about something, but he's one to ask questions and to insist on someone explaining themselves, giving him satisfactory answers.

40.) How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

Vin: Absolutely unaware they exist in the slightest. Completely unbothered, assumes he is perfect and cute and likeable and there's nothing wrong with him ever so anyone who is being mean to him is just being rude smh. When he DOES make mistakes, he tends to see it as an unfortunate one-time thing- like "oh, I messed up, but whatever, I'll get it right next time." Pretty unflappable in his self-esteem.

Asphodel: Simultaneously deeply aware of SOME of their flaws, and completely insistent that others don't exist. Aware they're high-strung and unsociable, and sensitive about it- easily embarassed when they feel they've overreacted or been too emotional in a situation where they'd have liked to be 'logical'- but also insists they don't have a superiority complex and they ABSOLUTELY don't look down on others because they hold everyone to the same unattainable standards they hold themself to (they do, and they do)

Ves: Generally views himself as a flawed mess of a man trying his best; he's pretty remorseful about a LOT of things in his life, and he's equal parts "it's not too late for me to change" and "i'm a bullheaded old man and you can't teach an old dog new tricks." There are certain things he absolutely refuses to budge on, and others that he realizes are flaws and always tries to correct himself/catch himself in; he's generally of the opinion most people are kind of a mess in one way or another, so he's not necessarily harsh on himself or his flaws as he's also pretty tolerant of them in others, as he can be forgiving to a fault sometimes.

[ehlnofay]

So, I’ve been having thoughts about Sheogorath specifically and what he actually represents. Personally I don’t think it’s “madness” or “insanity.” His domain isn’t of the mentally or physically ill. Like think of that quest where you have to torture people until they break or you can kill them outright. In fact most of the quests aren’t about “madness” they’re instead about making sadistic choices or picking a side. I personally think that Sheogorath is more the daedric prince of Separation, and to a lesser extent Whims, Disarray, and Chance. And when you have unlimited power, it’s easier for those elements to turn cruel. It also keeps him as the opposite side of the coin to Jyggalag. I’d love to hear your thoughts/ideas on this though. I’ve been rotating a lot of the princes in my head lately because a lot of them really don’t match up with their supposed domain.

do I have thoughts on sheogorath? oh boy Do I. if you care to comb through my blog you will find such a number of incomprehensible ramblings on the subject, including but not limited to assertions that it is "a liquid" "a teenage girl" "my skrunkly my scrimblo my woman in the wallpaper" and a thousand or so word essay-thing breaking down the basics of my reimagining of the character that I wrote like a year ago (it's probably not very good. haven't read it in a while.)

suffice it to say that the sheogorath that exists in my head is a wholly separate entity to the one that exists in canon. I agree with you that "madness" as a sphere is pretty nonsense (pretty sure I've spoken about this before) - it's literally just what someone who doesn't know anything about mental illness thinks mental illness is, and as someone who knows a reasonable amount about mental illness, that does not work for me. I think it's really interesting that you've reimagined sheogorath's sphere based on in-game content and behaviour! I kind of went the opposite route and disregarded it entirely - my sheogorath is predicated mostly on my own experiences with mental illness and to a certain extent the portrayals of it that I would like to see. sheogorath's sphere, in my mind, is disorder and entropy (which also works as an inverse for jyggalag!), mostly presenting itself in very human terms but existing more broadly overall.

I think the most important part of my reimagining of the character, though, is that I completely scrap the cruelty of intention attributed to it in-game. I do not scrap the cruelty of behaviour - that's fitting - but at its core I believe sheogorath means well. it does not seek to cause harm. (I have a bit of writing in the works exploring this...) this idea is really important to me because, if you'll forgive some more personal ramblings, portraying what's supposed to be an embodiment of mental illness as malevolent is not only kind of harmful, it's inaccurate, at least to my experience. my mental illness is not a vicious foreign entity imposing itself on me to hurt me, it is a part of me that has been hurt and is trying as best it can to stop it from happening again. historically, working with my symptoms has given me much better results than trying to work against them. (they say when you're in a riptide, swim parallel to the shore.)

[dotdotslump]

Is misandry the other side of the coin of Incel mentality?

I've been on radblr for roughly 6 years now, i'd like to extend an invite to @rad-siren for opening thoughts, awesome new person on radblr, but please do rb/reply at your leisure, as this has been on my mind as i've noticed what-would-be internet troll extremes a few years ago start to manifest in real life lately. @radfae @desaturated7 @terf-scorpion please get in here too. I'm a massive advocate for women growing up with a backbone, acquiring self-esteem, strength, and having the confidence to do whatever they want in their lives without the ever-lingering concern about the interventions of men in their lives setting them back. Being a man, I can clearly see the power imbalance, it exists on all levels, and begins at the most basic level, the fact that we live in a material physical tangible world, that men are on average, larger, more aggressive, and physically stronger than women, and that they have a much wider range of capacity and willingness to exert violence to meet their ends. This tiny advantage, while large and important a long time ago, is now much smaller in the grand scale of things, but is one of many of things that keeps a perceived "advantage" in the minds of many men I've encountered, among all the other crap that tends to poison the minds of developing boys that rots their behaviour going into their teens/adulthood into that of a permanent moid. Their inability to look past their nose leaves them blind and incapable of befitting the shoes of the other sex, even in emulation, and gives them the blissful capacity to commit incomprehensible horrors they'll never understand nor care to. On the other hand, women are taught at very young ages to be submissive, to stay thin and beautiful (don't build muscle mass, stay weak), to be kind and forgiving; even in the face of firsthand injustice. It's so painful to see women exerting genuine kindness from their soul knowing this harsh world is going to snuff out the smile from their face and spring from their step one day. Their attempts at maintaining this character in the face of such vileness turns their stomaches, fills them righteous fury, and they either collapse mentally, from realizing the world they were promised was a lie; the men that cross their lives are spiteful piece of shit they wish they've never encountered; and never want to again, and they either retreat and give up, take their own lives; stuffing themselves away mentally; silently suffering in this world. Or they survive, and fight the uphill battle, of being a woman in this world, each finding their own way to do it. I've read so many passages by women describing what their experience is like in their lives, they tend to invoke and describe a miasma of melancholy, a tired smile, a genuine human experience. But I've yet to see an honest man write how they truly view a woman's experience without the goggles of their own manhood. In my eyes, being born a woman is like being a protagonist character in a Shakespearean tragedy, cursed to live a dreadful journey of events from the beginning. It's so sad, how the good of this world is brought up only to be stomped out by the evils of Men. I don't want to derail, just wanted to build the right context, so let me pull it back to the topic of discussion. So on the one side, we have these fucking idiots with large capacity to exert violence, with the capacity to do so, and are raised with the seeded idea that the world is theirs and to take what they want and do as they please. on the other, we have these (tend to be) physically smaller creatures, who are generally raised to be good in nature, trusting, docile, and to stay weak and only take what they need, and be forgiving no matter what. Of course this is going to end poorly, I don't know why people keep raising their children this way, baffling. Pardon my mspaint, but in my mind the average radfem sits a healthy 4-6 on this scale.

Where anyone sitting in the 1-3 area just probably hasn't had their "peak men" moment but hold some dislike for your average idiot, and everyone -10 to 0 lives lalaland; in a tower in a faraway castle on a cloud, or is an extremely sheltered child of a very wealthy and good intentioned loving family that has overprotected them for far too long. But even women in the 4-6 region, let some men into their lives, or hold some fondness to have one in their lives, but wish they didn't have to go through the bullshit that is dealing with 99 porn brainrotted assholes to find 1 man; who may not even be a match. And I genuinely admire everyone in the 7-8 region of hate, because they know whatsup and have an extra kick of energy/fire that just makes you stop and say, damn. But, 9-10, to utterly deject and go out of your way to oppose half the population and want no association with them (to the point of political lesbianism in very few extreme cases). I see this as the same branch of mentality that drives the creation of Incels - dejected, ugly (physically, mentally, spiritually), spiteful men, who would only want the opposite sex to meet the means to an end("Women should be slaves"). All because women reject them and their inherent ugliness, and their lack of desire and intent to genuinely introspect leaves them twaddling their thumbs in intense frustration quelling for the grace of Pisteis in their lives. While Misandrists are generally arising of people who have had an overwhelming instance(s) of "Peak Men" moment(s) that just flipped the table, and though their cause and anger are just, their calls only invoke violence and create situations where men are silenced in the same way women have been. When a man saying an opposing viewpoint leaves him looking like hes trying to say "not all men", or a Woman bringing up her differing experience leaves her as a "pickme", he/she will be instantly written off without thought and silenced because the embarking situation heeds no call from the opposing side, it's a cry of rage and spite that wants to place a blanket viewpoint and erase everything that it covers. Even though these two sides arise for much differing reasons; from this point of view, the way they're arrived at where they are comes from the same path of intense hatred for the opposite sex, where they just want to quelch the other side. it's destructive, and achieves nothing but short lived "victories" in the name of banners raised in hate. P.S, send me misandry memes in pms i think they're the funniest thing ever and i love seeing guys throw a fit over them when i drop them in social media group chats. The truth only hurts those who live a lie.

[doyouthinkimenjoyingthis]

Golden Girls

I get across on this: "I get it that you're both gay and you love each other but you don't need to show it or be loud about it."

Here's the thing. People, straight people, gets a partner. They hold hands, PDA all that shit practically making everyone knows you are lovey dovey in love. Make bold statements. Make these ridiculous grand proposals. Foil the newsfeeds of you getting married.

But gay people can't have that?

And they would say, "I accept gays but...."

I know immediately whatever comes out to that is already homophobic.

I always used to hear, "It's okay to be gay just don't ...

- have sex

- turn into woman or man-- dress like the opposite

- don't be too loud

- don't be you

People don't understand that the point of being gay has started at thinking of loving the wrong one but it's the right one. The point of being gay is being frustrated that we can't be with the person we love. So are we just going to be gay and it stays that way?

And we should be content by your acceptance?

We don't care about being 'accepted'. At this point we are tired. During pride months, we stomp on the streets to protest our rights to love and love and laugh like those corny fb posts.

But they don't get that. Because people are shallow and are not willing to understand that but we are forced to understand that despite red flags-- a whole fucking flag pole in which they are willing to wave it, they will still stay with that person.

Incomprehensible really.

One time I heard a priest say: "If we will accept gay marriage, the next thing we will be accepting being married to animals, things, own relatives."

Or worst yet is the belief that gay people corrupts the young or convert them.

Growing up, I can't even count how many gay shows or movies or in literature I have seen and read (I had but it's not the point). These straightness in media shoved into my throat and up my asshole didnt make me straight.

I see this that they call us evil but they are actually the one thinking of the nastiest most unhinged and probably unthinkable thoughts to justify. Those never even came across our minds. Gays are no angels but what about a lot of us who don't care we just want to be with the people we love and care?

But no.

One time, I woke ahead of Hollmae. She's been sleeping here for days now. My first thought-- my very first thought is old age. The night before, we talked about going away. Since the legalization of same sex marriage in America, Canada and---side track-- did you know in Spain, it became legal in 2005?

2005!

Other countries were late!

The funniest thing is that Spain brought us Christianity, aye? (Forgive my sudden penchant for UK almost old English, Game of thrones and Sherlock Holmes fanaticism at the moment)

They brought it in PH and I've learned from Hollmae that precolonial times, Filipinos have queers.

So, off course, Christianity being Christianity, queerdom has been demonized. And now, we are strongly homophobic, less accepting country. We couldn't even secure rights and protection from discrimination.

But Spain got it. The fuuuuuck.

Going back, we were talking about that last night, researching.

But I know the reason why-- our families don't really accept is especially hers. They really believed I corrupted their only daughter.

I wondered what if one day, there's no progress at all? The clock will turn back and we will be once again oppressed, stripped of our rights, persecuted, thrown away?

[nishikiyamayuko]

friend, i've been thinking about yuko for weeks now and i wanted to hear more about your ship!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for asking! I’ve got a couple ships in rotation for Yuko, varying from AU to AU to the canon plot.

She and Tachibana certainly have shared life experience, as I’ve touched on before. They both suffer from chronic illnesses. They’re both very attached to a sibling of the opposite gender despite the emotional baggage their relationship with that sibling carries with it. They both suffer from social obstacles attached to parts of their identity - the xenophobia Tachibana faces for his mixed heritage, the isolation Yuko’s illness forces on her. They’re both very closed off, guarded people as a result. They can both be found making eyes at Kiryu at any given moment. 

Like, even outside the bounds of a romantic relationship, I imagine they’d appreciate each other’s company very much. In an AU where Tachibana survives to see the 90s and maintains a friendly relationship with Nishiki & Kiryu, it’d be fascinating and heartbreaking to see how he might interact with her while she was on her deathbed. He might have an innate understanding of what she’s going through shared by no one else in her (very small) circle, a supportive dynamic which I’d love to explore someday.

I’m a sucker for a good height difference, so Aizawa’s on the list as well. They’re both ostensibly very quiet, put together people, hiding some serious resentment & acknowledgment issues underneath: sort of desperate to just feel seen by people, y’know? Except Yuko is a very delicate college-age woman and Aizawa is a thirty something brick shithouse, so he has much more power to externalize his feelings than she does.

Another choice height difference: in an ongoing AU of mine premised upon Yuko getting her heart transplant and living to see Nishiki’s rise to power, she develops a very odd, very uncouth relationship with Koji Shindo, of all people. As Nishiki’s closest underling and immediate successor, he ends up being the only major member of the Nishikiyama family she gets acquainted with. He’s drawn to her right the fuck away, for reasons that are characteristically shallow - she’s young, she’s hot, and she’s his boss’ sister, so there’s an air of unattainability there that he's reeeeeaaaal into. As for Yuko, she’s spent most of her life in a hospital with little expectation of living long, so she’s torn between being grossed out by this deeply immoral representative of her brother’s corruption and enamored by the prospect of open, unmistakeable male attention in an adult context. It’s a relationship with a lot of conflicts of interest built in, which, as always, is juicy as shit.

Y’know the song “Fuckboi Rejects” by Royal & The Serpent? That’s Yuko and Shindo. The man isn’t completely devoid of admirable qualities, by any means - his loyalty, his combat prowess, his twisted code of ethics, his coarse/understated capacity for thoughtfulness - but by and large, he’s a deplorable person who’s completely devoted to being deplorable, and that vileness bleeds over into his behavior towards his boss’ sister, no matter how much her brother tries to insulate her from the truth of his business. 10/10, would cringe at again.

As alluded to above, I’ve thought about pairing her up with Kiryu; or at least, about her having latent feelings for him that are never acted upon. In the past, I’ve described Kiryu as her “surrogate brother” to people who haven’t played the game, just because him and Nishiki consider each other brothers and the whole sunflower dynamic is easier to explain that way, but considering the flexibility of Kiryu’s relationship with Yumi, the idea of a relationship between them being placed center stage in Ryu Ga Gotoku Online, and the fact that Yuko specifically was raised lately in the hospital, much more removed from the orphanage than the people around her, I don’t think that’s necessarily the canon status of their relationship.

So, the prospect of the two of them dating is the premise of her story in Ryu Ga Gotoku Online - y’know, the one where Yuko has lines and a role in the plot, but not a face? Even then? I’m still mad about that! - and even if it turned out to be a joke on her end, I love the little details that plot line reveals about both her and their relationship. She’s the sort of person who would twist the truth a bit for her own entertainment, yes? And Kiryu, he’s separated from her, but he’s not forgotten about her. He sends her flowers, and specifically says he did so on Kazama’s advice because it “aligned with his feelings.” In the opening of Kiwami, he’s explicitly thinking about what would happen to her if Nishiki got arrested, even when Nishiki isn’t. 

I can imagine Yuko herself feeling a little complicated about Kiryu. He’s handsome, yes, but also dependable, stoic and (from her perspective) very sure of himself; traits which are very valuable to someone like her, who lives in constant struggle with chronic illness with only her fiery, emotionally erratic brother as a support system. 

On the other hand, she’s a very lonely person, and is not incapable of being possessive. Yuko might not consider Kiryu her brother, but her actual brother sure does, and while Nishiki is visibly Goin Through It™ with Kiryu during the plot of Yakuza: 0 I can definitely picture her (internally, subliminally) being like “he’s not your real sibling, like me, yes? All these feelings you have for him shouldn’t be equal to, or god forbid greater than, the feelings you have for me, yes? YES??” There’s a weird combination of jealousy and admiration at work there.

There’s also the matter of Kiryu’s decision to take the fall for her brother’s murder of Dojima explicitly for Yuko’s sake; at once a gesture of immense concern for her and value placed on her life and an uninvited usurpation of her agency. (I’m not judging him for this, it was a spur of the moment choice, I’m talking about how she’d feel about it.) Kiryu makes this massive life decision using her as a justification which ends up doing more harm than good, ripping his own life up by the roots, emotionally devastating Nishiki and seriously complicating things for the already traumatized Yumi. 

For someone like Yuko, who is both unused to being treated like her life has tangible significance and resentful of her suffocating inability to exert any influence over her circumstances, the fact that Kiryu did something like that without her consent would be. Just. There’s a lot of ways I could describe it, but I’m gonna go with “wildly conflicting.” It’s similar to her relationship with Shindo, but tilted more towards genuine, mature emotional connection and less towards the crude temptation of rebelliousness and the ugly underside of luxury.

And also, before I close this out. Reina is there. Reina, who is an independent, self-sustaining woman, has a healthy, active social circle, is strikingly beautiful and friends with everyone Yuko knows - a nonmember of the sunflower quartet who Yuko might’ve canonically met at some point! I can imagine her being fascinated by Reina, definitely envious but besotted with her underneath that. Her immediate impulse would be to put her up on a pedestal, this intelligent, regal woman who has control over her choices, whose company her brother enjoys despite his lack of romantic interest in her (moron.) She also might have to reconsider her opinion on those closest to her if they ever got to know each other better, ticking the “conflict of interest” box I’m so fond of subjecting her to. Yuko/messy relationships ftw!

[warrioreowynofrohan]

My Maglor fic is still very fragmentary but I wrote this this morning and had to post it:

Eärendil shone.

A soft shimmer rose like an aurora around him, like a visual echo of his fëa. Standing near to him felt like being bathed in warm sunlight.

Even if Maglor had not been an exile - unclean - the slayer of Eärendil’s people and thief of his children - he would have felt the impulse to fall to his knees. It was natural, as natural as a flower opening in the sun.

He looked up to meet the Dawnstar’s eyes, trembling. “I beg your forgiveness for the evils I have done you, your family, and your people. I am sorry.” Too late, far too late, and far too much to pardon, but the surrender had to be offered, the plea had to be given, and even to say it felt like a weight slipping from his shoulders.

“I forgive you.” The words, clear, warm, joyful, broke on Maglor’s mind and shivered prism-like into incomprehensible brilliance.

“I forgave you two Ages ago,” the gentle voice continued, “before I knew whether my sons were alive or dead. And this is far from the first time you have apologized to me.”

Maglor blinked at the unbearable brightness of it. Thought of nights spent on the shoreline, gazing up at the star, the words sometimes whispered, sometimes only thought. “You heard - ”

“I always hear, when someone calls to me. I tried to answer, I have been trying to answer for Ages -”

- Maglor hadn’t wanted a response, hadn’t expected one, hadn’t ever opened his mind to one, had only needed some outlet for grief and guilt, unfit for the world and cut off from the Valar -

“ - I am so glad you are finally here.”

He held out a hand, and Maglor took it. He didn’t want to rise, he was comfortable here, he belonged here, more than he had belonged anywhere for many thousands of years, he wanted to stay, he wanted to kiss Eärendil’s hands and feet -

- but Eärendil pulled him to his feet and wrapped him in an embrace. One hand pressed Maglor’s back, the other held the back of his head and pressed it into Eärendil’s chest, as if he were some dearly beloved long-lost friend and not an enemy. Maglor found himself weeping into Eärendil’s shirt, his legs didn’t work and Eärendil’s arms were the only thing keeping him upright, and he shouldn’t be here, he definitely shouldn’t be wiping his nose on the Evening Star’s shirtfront, but Eärendil wasn’t letting go and his hands were warm and everything about him said home -

- and a voice that was sunlight of a clear spring morning said “Welcome home.”

The embrace loosened a little and Maglor looked up, blinking.

[wizkiddx]

i just had the cutest idea at least in my head and would LOVE if u could do a blurb? where tom is trying to measure your ring size to propose while your asleep, but then you wake up and catch him.

this is v v cute! I hope this is what u want, sorry if it didn't translate I found it a bit tricky aha

summary: tom gets caught preparing for a very big moment

warnings: v small reference to smut

//////////////////////////////

Sleep always had been, and always will be, an important thing in your life. Naturally then, any source of interruption, was met with some….some hostility. Maybe it was your annoying flatmates as a student, who insisted on playing the worst drum and bass till 4 am every night; maybe your neighbours car alarm, which seemed to be set off by the lightest gust of wind; or maybe your loving- if slightly infuriating -boyfriend.

Tom had just got back from a trip abroad and you’d had a quiet evening in- consisting of pizza, a long forgotten film playing and lots and lots of laughs. As much as you loved his family and friends, celebrating with a fancy dinner and lots of drink - there was nothing better than a night in. It was what you’d both desperately needed too, just actual quality time with the both of you living in the moment, forgetting everything else outside the four walls of your flat.

Needless to say, you’d ended up right between the sheets and you honestly couldn’t remember falling asleep. But now, barely conscious, you did notice your fingers being moved and fiddled with. With a groan you limply pulled them away, rolling over to chase Tom’s body heat - which seemed to have disappeared. His presence hadn’t though, you could tell even with your eyes shut due to his little coo.

“Shh darling…. go back to sleep.” And with a mumbled incomprehensible response, you tried to - even if you personal heater appeared to be in hiding.

Yet then, barely 30 seconds later, the bed dipped weirdly again; Tom’s grasp lightly tugged at the arm you’d crossed over your body. Fighting against it, you snatched your arm away and groaned incoherently once again. Again you got a the most whispered and soft sounding reply from Tom. “Shhh Y/n/n…. come on, work with me here.” Clearly you were half asleep, not really paying any attention to to his words, so huffed - shifting again so you we lying half on your back, half on your side, your left hand lying on the pillow next to your head.

And yet again, barely a minute later, you were sure you heard him chuckle before the bed wobbled as he crawled up it. You could feel his shin brushing against your side as he once again went to grab your hand. And that- that was the last straw.

“What the fuck are you doing?!”

The sight you were greeted with was not one you expected. Tom kneeling next to you, with bed hair and all, looking like a deer caught in headlights - literally too, the flashlight from his phone illuminated the otherwise pitch black room. His eyes bugged out his head, while he frantically fumbled with his phone in an attempt to get the light off.

“Nonononono” Muttering as if you weren’t there, Tom obviously struggled to find the right button to shut it off - giving you amply opportunity to notice the other object in his lap.

A yellow tape measure?

Why the hell he was measuring you while you slept, completely unawares, was beyond you. The boy hand some explaining to do - primarily because… he interrupted your sleep.

“Tom what the fuck?”

“I’m so sorry I-I just….just go back to sleep love.” It was weird, how he seemed defeated? He looked upset, and was doing that thing where he nervously ran his fingers through his brown curls.

“Not until you tell me what the hell you’re doing.” Sticking firmly, you reached over to flick the bedside light on, just as he finally got the torch off. The warm golden light illuminated to whole room, allowing you to more clearly assess the situation. The brunette was sat so he were almost leaning over you, with the tape measure but also you now noticed a little notebook and pen sat to the side. His despairing look had you immediately forgiving the interruption to your night- everything, melting away to concern. “What’s going on T?”

“You um-you weren’t supposed to-fuck! I’m sorry love I just-“ Reacting to his embarrassed ramblings, you sat up properly to cup his his cheeks with both your hands.

“Hey take a breath yeah? Then tell me why you’re being all creepy and sizing me up for a coffin or something?” He laughed breathily at that, but it was a smile that didn’t meet his eyes.

“I wasn’t- I… can we just forget this happened?” He already started to get off the bed, wrapping the tape up in a very hurried manner. With a scowl you shook your head, leaping up to grab the yellow ribbon out his hands before he could fight back.

At that point it was too late for Tom. You saw the way the tape was labelled, not with cms or inches. Instead it was letters of the alphabet, starting at G and ending at Z. You would’ve been confused, except the fact you’d used this weird scale before, when you and your best friend got matching promise rings the other month.

Tom had been trying to measure your ring size.

You couldn’t help but let out a little ‘oh’ as it clicked - making Tom sigh heavily, still looking at you with worried and terrified eyes. It took a minute for you to face him, smiling weakly with a little gleam growing across your eyes.

“We should- we should uh, let’s go back to bed yeh?” Stammering through, you already almost forced the the tape back into his hands. Wordlessly he nodded jerkily and placed both the notebook, the tape and his phone on the bedside - as you flicked the lamp off.

Obviously, it was awkward as hell. Right now Tom knew you knew - he was less convinced though on how you reacted. Now he was doubting whether you wanted that- if you wanted to be his wife. The silence was defeneing, the bedsheets the only noise to interrupt as you both settled back onto the pillows. Tom left a bit on no-mans land in the middle, not wanting to push it.

Really there was no reason to not move and cuddle up to him, even slightly cruel. You knew Tom was worried that he’d fucked up massively. You could hear his breathing shake, as you both stared up at the ceiling. Maybe it was slightly horrible, but you couldn’t help but feel insanely blissfully happy. Tom was your future and it was good to know he was starting to get the ball rolling.

“I’m a size N” You whispered up to the ceiling “just for the record.” You both swivelled to look at each other simultaneously, your smirk completely overwhelmed by the smile of pure joy that grew on Tom’s face. Yes the room was dark and you could barely see, but that image might just be one that lives forever in your memory - as your absolute favourite.

“Just-just so we’re on the same page… um, thats your fourth finger? Left hand?”

Finally moving from the awkward position, you nestled your head into the crook of his neck, legs wrapping round his. You chose not to answer super specifically, because it seemed like he was asking more than just one question there. Just very broad and very open to interpretation answer.

“Yes and… and um yes too…just for the record”

~~ let me know what you thought <3 ~~

tagging: @hallecarey1 @hollandfanficlove @crossyourpeter @lovehollandy12 @thefernandasantana

[tanoraqui]

hello wonderful children, it's esoteric scifi/fantasy book rec time!!

Why You Should Reach the Paradox trilogy by Rachel Bach, a list by me:

Scifi action-adventure romance

The basic premise of this series is that Devi (Deviana Morris) is a professional space mercenary who really wants to be one of her god-king's elite guard/agents of badassery...but in order to get tapped for a thing like that, she needs to boost her resume. So she deliberately takes a job on an "unassuming" little trade ship notorious for having bad lethally luck.

in narrative terms, this means taking her Book 1 Protagonist self and becoming a supporting character in someone else's...you know the phase late in the series when a Protagonist has made most of their defining moral choices, gathered their team of loyal misfits, and they do more monster-of-the-week adventures than we clearly see on page, until suddenly the series finale starts? Devi walks into that. And then the series finale starts, with her in the middle, completely stealing Caldswell's Protagonist slot.

Devi "there's no point in doing something if you don't commit to it 110%" Morris

Devi "wow, this child soldier thing you've got going is DEEPLY fucked up. thank goodness my military-obssessed planet where we all know it'd be an honor to give our lives for our saint-king is nothing like that" Morris

(Arguably the narrative backs this up, but because it's all 1st person pov, I'd argue Devi just never picks up on the hypocrisy. Also, the others guys ARE doing much more fucked up things than some sketchy absolute monarchy and required military service.)

Devi "shut up, you do NOT get to decide if I forgive you. I decide that, and I do. Forgive you. But also I'm NOT in love, I can handle this on my own but I can't afford any weakness; shut up and stop being hot and dedicated near me" Morris

Relatedly, Rupert "the concept of not committing to something 110% is inherently incomprehensible to me, so I guess now I'm committing treason and following this madwoman's lead to hell and back" Charkov

Tbh in book 1, I was like, "I get why he's falling head over heels for her, but I feel like she skipped right from 'he's badass, usually nice, and REALLY hot' to 'oh no I'm in love.'" But by the end of book 2, I was on board. You see, they're simply BOTH categorically insane.

I CANNOT get over him being named "Rupert" though. This author makes the hottest possible man - tall, thin-but-muscular, soft hair and piercing blue eyes! sexy accent! spoilers but let's just say he's VERY lethal and monsterfucking isn't out of question! And he cooks! And then to balance all of this, she names him the LEAST sexy thing possible.

for those who want The Representation Facts: it's heterosexual romance, nothing too novel about it, but complex female protagonist who fights fiercely to maintain her agency, despite the efforts of most of the people around her. A lot of the plot centered around giving some young women back their stolen agency, actually. There's 2 gender-nonconforming characters, and they're both aliens but they're GNC in ways suited to their own cultures, not human, which I thought was pretty neat? Race doesn't come up, iirc more people are described as pale than not but some are dark-skinned and some just aren't described. Uhh no disability rep except arguing with medical(ish) professionals who think they know best but are just assholes…what else do you want. Woman has guns, armor, flaming sword, rage.

The books are Fortune's Pawn, Honor's Knight, and Heaven's Queen. They're not full of great themes or stunning writing, but they're full of well-paced intrigue, action, and morally suspect people making what they're convinced in the best choice for the greatest good. I read all 3 in the space of about 48 hours.

Devi "stop trying to explain chess to me and tell me what's actually going on" Morris

Devi "if my beloved armor is marred one more time, I'm going to kill everyone on this ship and then myself" Morris

I really enjoyed that the moral position it landed on was, “doing something terrible to save billions of lives when you have no other options IS okay. The sin is never looking for a better solution, but rather doubling down on maintaining the terrible thing.” I think that’s a wonderful and probably correct gray position. Often the many IS more important than the one, or even than the few…but you can’t just settle in grittiness. You have to hope and work for something better.

Author Rachel Bach is known as Rachel Aaron when she writes fantasy, and I'm gonna go hunt down some of that, now.