#forgiving myself was the hardest thing i've done in my life

[charlotte-zophie]

With one step, Thorin closed the distance between them and gently placed his right hand on Bilbo's cheek, letting out a soft sigh of relief as he finally felt the hobbit's soft skin under his fingers.

Bilbo looked at him with wide eyes.

"Thorin? What are you doing? Why...? I mean... I thought you couldn't feel anything for me and that's why you left?"

A tear made its way from the corner of Bilbo's eye to Thorin's fingers.

Thorin tenderly wiped it away and leant forward, whispering in Bilbo's ear in a low, slightly raspy voice, " You mean everything to me Amrâlimê. And turning my back on you was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And i regret every single second that i wasn't near you. Even if i don't deserve it, I hope that you will give me the chance to prove myself worthy of you and that one day you can forgive me for my unspeakable behavior." He let out a deep shuddering sigh, "I thought it would be safest for you if I disappeared from your life. But now i know it was the worst decision I've ever made in my life! Please, forgive me."

With a sob, Bilbo pressed himself violently angainst Thorin and wrapped his arms around his neck while burying his hands in Thorin's thick black hair.

"You incorrigible, terribly thickheaded, stubborn, loveable stonehead!" Bilbo sobbed into the crook of Thorin's neck, "Of course I forgive you my heart! For if I did not, I would die!"

An incredulous an infinitely relieved smile split Thorin's face and he wrapped his strong arms around his hobbit's waist as he took a few steps back until his legs hit a rock, on which he sat down and pulled Bilbo onto his lap.

He looked at him with watery eyes and a beaming smile and marvelled at this incredible creature with the infinitely wide heart that he loved more than anything else in this world.

"I love you." he breathed and Bilbo's eyes shone as he approached his face ever so slowly and whispered delicately on his lips, " And I love you for as long as I live."

And whit that, he closed the last barely noticeable distance between them and finally, after what felt like eons, their lips joined in a sparking kiss that made everything around them go blissfully unaware and they realised for the first time in both their lives that they were whole.

[aphroditelovesu]

this is going to end badly, but... Can you do Yandere love letter where the boys found out Reader cheated on them?

The Yandere love letter from Alexander The Great, Julius Caesar, Napoleon, and Henry VIII pls

Alexander the Great

My Queen,

May your betrayal be your own curse. If you persist on this path, know that I am capable of things that not even the gods would dare to speak of. My wrath is relentless and uncontrollable when it comes to the woman I once loved.

As for this man you cheated on me with, know that he is playing with death itself. I, who faced entire armies, will pursue him to the end of the earth, and he will find no refuge. If he touches you again, not a stone will be left unturned in his city, and he will be remembered as a traitor until the end of time.

I swear I will destroy his city, put men to the sword and sell their women and children into slavery. And then I will deal with you.

You, (Y/N), have the power to avert this dark fate. Return to my arms, renounce this treachery, and perhaps I will consider showing leniency. If not, know that my vengeance is a storm no mortal can weather. Make no mistake though, because you will be punished and I guarantee you won't like your punishment, my love.

This is your last chance, my Queen. Return to me and hand over your wretched lover and perhaps I will show you mercy.

With fury and despair,

Alexander.

Julius Caesar

My love,

Today, darkness enveloped my heart. The news of her betrayal, my sweet wife, tears me apart in a way that not even the bloodiest battles have been able to do.

For you, I crossed oceans and crossed deserts, shed blood and brought down empires. However, I realize that the hardest battle I face is the one you fought on the sly with another man. I feel betrayed, but also consumed by a sick, and furious love that burns like the fire of Rome.

I will not allow him to breathe the same air as you, to touch your skin as I did, to steal your love from me. I will hunt him down, torture him, and kill him.

(Y/N), my wife, my life and my soul belong to you. If you continue with this traitor, I swear I will make an example of him, a warning for all to see. I'll make an example of you. You are my wife, my reason for living, and I won't let anything or anyone take you away from me.

Reflect on your actions, my beloved, for my passion is stronger than any army, hotter than any fire. I won't forgive you, but I'm willing to compromise.

With angry and love,

Julius Caesar.

Napoleon Bonaparte

My beloved wife,

I write these words with a heavy heart and a mind tormented by the thoughts that have invaded my soul. I found out that you, my beloved wife, betrayed the trust that we once placed in each other.y pain is indescribable, my mind troubled by terrible visions of your betrayal.

You know what I can do when faced with challenges when those I love are threatened. My reputation as a military leader is widely known, but what you may not know is that my love for you is just as fierce.

I know where you've been, who you've been with, and what you've done. Every detail is etched in my mind like a scar, a scar that burns like lava from a volcano. (Y/N), my love, I solemnly warn you that if you persist in this betrayal, the consequences will be dire. The fire that burns in my chest can be directed to protect or to destroy, and you must choose wisely.

Reflect on what we have together, on the lives we've built, and on the price that may be paid for your actions. My love for you runs deep, and I will not hesitate to use every means in my power to keep what's mine. You are mine and I will destroy anyone who gets in my way, especially that damn lover of yours. But don't worry, I've already dealt with it myself.

I pray that reason prevails in your heart, for my passion and my anger are a force that cannot be contained. I hope you make the right choice and maybe I'll be benevolent.

With love and so much jealousy,

Napoleon.

Henry VIII

My sweet wife,

I write these words with a rage that burns hotter than the sun. My trust in you has been unacceptably betrayed, and my rage is untamed. How dare you betray me, a woman who swore allegiance to me and our kingdom?

I, Henry VIII, a mighty and formidable king, will not tolerate such dishonor. You must be aware that by challenging my authority and my love, by violating our marriage, you are playing with your own destiny. With your life.

My spies have reported every detail of your heinous betrayals, (Y/N). There is no escape, no hiding place where you can hide. My anger is like an approaching storm, and the thunder of my vengeance will resound across England.

You, who shared my bed and my trust, now face the wrath of a disgraced monarch. Have no illusions my dear as my love for you has turned into a darkness that will swallow up everything in its path. And it's all your fault.

(Y/N), if you wish to avoid a dark and terrible fate, I suggest you change course immediately. Renounce your betrayals and be my loyal wife again, and I can show you mercy, but not your damned lover. No. He's already dead. Should you decide to disobey me once more, the sword will fall on your head, as it fell on others who dared to defy me.

With unabated fury,

Henry.

[tastytoastz]

I just want to say that the most recent chapter, at the time of writing this, of your fic (where Pac and Mike travel back in time to a 2b Fit, forgive me for forgetting the name) had me so enthralled. I've said this before but I don't think there are nearly enough fics that thoroughly explore the absolute internalised homophobia a man would develop in a place like 2b, so to have a fic like yours properly portray it is like a dream. That chapter has been stuck in my mind since I first read it, and I've reread it a couple of times.

I can't get over how well you showed that he wasn't just angry, but genuinely terrified. I love the emphasis on him being above all just so fucking scared of that information existing out loud. It's such a good angle. And he's not completely dead shocked by the revelation, and jumps straight into denial, which makes it come across - to me, anyway - as if he has already been aware of this fact about himself for a while, like he knows, and he actively works to hide it everyday. There's so much implied in what isn't said . It leaves you wondering how long he's known, how much he thinks about it, if anyone else in his life has ever known, if he has witnessed first hand what happens to people like him (has he ever watched someone get killed for that while having slurs and horribly vulgar and vivid insults thrown at them, and tried his hardest not to picture himself in that position, as the victim?) ... And most of all you wonder what the aftermath of the interaction looks like on his end. Is he panicking silently up in that room, expecting a mob at his door by morning? What is he thinking, what's running through his head? What does he expect to happen now?

I just love the angle you took and how it was written, and that you decided to pick up the heavy subject matter and write it where a lot of other writers seem hesitant. It's so intriguing .

Thank you so much for this ask!!! I could go crazy over this chapter as well and point out so many details, I'm gonna get into some here, but not all (since I wanna keep some stuff ambigitous/secret still and cuz if i mentioned it all it would be a long post, but I will probably go deeper into some more things once the fic is over cuz I have so many things and smaller details I wan't to get into!!! ) (Also I guess if you want to keep thing ambigious and not 'peek behind the curtain' about some things with this fic don't keep reading)

I have seen some people say Fit's reaction to Mike's comment is with self-denial but honestly it's a lot closer to just being him denying Mike and Pac's words. He's not lying to himself, he's strictly lying to Pac and Mike, and I'm glad I was able to make that clear and people are picking up on it!

Not gonna go to much into it right now ( that's for later in the fic 🤫), but he's very aware he is gay.

As a queer person myself homophobia is sadly not something i'm unfamiliar with. I have experinced it directed towards me and I have seen it happen to other people. Meanwhile i've also done research about internalised homophobia as best I can. I know it's a heavy subject matter (and the fic has a lot of violence/gore as well, it's rated M for a reason) so I'm glad so many people are intrigued by the fic despite it (however I fully understand if someone would not like the themes and cuz of that won't read it). I'm hoping to portray it and handle the themes as best i can.

I also think it would just makes sense from a character perspective, you have a man who has been on 2b2t for years, surrounded by slurs for all lgbtq memebers and wathcing people get specially targeted for stuff like that, and that would fuck with you as a closeted gay person. Not only bring you fear of being "found out", but also adapting homophobi language to look less like "one of them" while also just ingraning it in yourself.

Fit's been told the person he is bad, and knows that if people find out he's gay there will be a lot of negative consequnces, so he hides it. And then here comes Mike, not only saying that he knows he's gay but also that "it's obvious" that he likes Pac. For Mike and Pac it's a factual thing they know, while they also know is dangerous to Fit in the wrong hands. They also think it's obvious Fit likes Pac beacuse they know what to look for.

For Fit it sounds like these random guys, despite his best efforts, knows he's gay, the other says he has photo evidence he's gay, and then said he is awful at hiding it. These two people could ruin his life and have him killed so easily. That's what Fit heard and that is terrifying.

This is also one of the reason this fic is only from Pac's POV becuase I want it to be as unclear for the reader what Fit is thinking as it is for Pac. You don't know how Fit thinks in the past, what ideas he has or how he looks at thing which I think it both intruging for readers but also terrifying. You never know what Fit's next move is going to be.

Once again, thank you so much for the ask! I love talking about my fics so thank you for giving me a reason to!

[lovelywritinglady]

Forgiveness pt.1

Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Reader is a victim of the Winter Soldier. When Bucky finds her to apologize, she tries to shoot him thinking he’s still the Winter Soldier. Angst, fluff, mentors of violence and blood, Bucky spills his heart out to you. Takes place during Falcon And The Winter Soldier.

Ten years ago...

Shots rung through the alleyway, a man now was dead. As a man with a sliver metal arm stood above him with an expressionless face. He turned around to leave the alleyway only to notice a girl standing there in absolute horror. Y/N was frozen with fear and only came to her senses when the man began to walk closer to her. She screamed and began running from him. However, he caught up with her shooting her in the leg. She fell down hard as her face hit the sidewalk as the blood began to pour from her fractured nose. He came towards her and began punching her face, stomach, and pressing his foot on her injury. Her screamed echoed through the night. He looked down at her with the same expression as the man he killed. She knew this was where she was going to die. Until a bright light cascaded on their bodies, blinding the man standing before her. She saw his face, from his blue eyes, and blood splattered face. If she wasn't being murdered right now she'd think this man was handsome. He then ran back into the alleyway and somehow disappeared. Y/N cried not just from her injuries, but from the sweet relief that her life might last a little bit longer. A police officer kneeled down towards her asking her questions, but she couldn't respond still coming down from the adrenaline rush she just had. She knew that if she ever saw that man with the silver arm again, she would be ready to face him.

Bucky's Pov

Apologizing has been one of the hardest things I've needed to do. Looking into the eyes of my victims or their loved ones makes me feel a guilt that is all consuming. My therapist suggested that this was a good idea, but it sure as hell doesn't feel that way. I'd rather just send them a letter and a gift basket, but I know these people deserve much better than that. I was near done with my list, as I just talked to two of the last three on my list. Their tears and screams will keep me up at night for the rest of my life. Part of me thought that I deserve it, but at the same time it wasn't me who killed or hurt those people, it was The Winter Soldier.

The sun was beginning to set in the sky as the chill of the coming night began to fill the air. Walking up to the apartment building, I took a deep breath trying to calm myself. I really hurt his girl, and I could understand if she could never forgive me, I certinaly wouldn't. Her name was Y/n L/N.As I got to her apartment I hesitated knocking on her door. What I did to her was pure evil and from what I've heard about her is that she's had to go through years of therapy because of it. Taking a leap of faith, I knocked on the door. After a couple of seconds, I heard footsteps and then the door opened slightly reveling her. She was beautiful, her hair was a lovely h/c, her eyes looked tired and I was guessed she was going to bed. Her face was laced with confusion before quickly changing into horror.

"Get the hell away from me." She snaped

"Please I'm not him anymore." I pleated

"You're a fucking liar!" She cried running quickly into her kitchen grabbling a gun from under her sink. She then pointed the gun at me and fired, which bounced off my metal hand that I used to protect myself.

"Y/N, please just hear me out. I'm not him anymore!?" I shouted raising my hand in the air.

"Why in the hell would I do that?" She yelled

"Look I don't know. All I know is that I hurt you in horrible ways and I'm so sorry that I did." I said softly looking into her eyes.

"I nearly died because of you. And you came to apologize?" She questioned still pointing the gun at me.

"You're right, I promise after I'm done you will never see me again." I promised her lowering my hands.

"Fine, you have two minutes and if you're not out by then I will shoot you in the fucking head. Do you understand?" She said sternly

"Yes, I understand." I responded lowering my hands

"Stay standing and don't make any sudden movements." She ordered lowering her gun but still holding it.

"You got it." I said

"Talk." she ordered

"I know that I hurt you and I came here to say sorry. I'm not that monster anymore and I can assure you that he's dead. He will never hurt you or anyone else again. He was a tool for H.Y.D.R.A and I had no say in what I did. They brainwashed me and forced my body to kill innocent people. I'm not trying to condone my actions, I'm just trying to explain. " I calmly said trying not to make her more scared. Her eyes seemed to soften a little.

"Do you remember everything?" She questioned

"Yes, I remember all of them. Every single person, from their cries, to the sound of their blood hitting the ground. I remember how it felt to kill them and how little I cared. I never want to be like that again, and I've gone through a lot to make sure that I don't." I said tears prickling my eyes.

"So what's your real name then?" she questioned hesitantly

"James Buchanan Barnes, but my friends call me Bucky." I told her with a slight smile.

"Good name, hell of a lot better than The Winter Soldier." She joked hesitantly

"Yeah." I chucked

"So you weren't the one doing all of that, are you sure?" she questioned placing the gun on the counter to her right.

"No I wasn't, I would never have hurt you, I promise." I reassured giving her a smile.

"I still can't forgive you." She admitted

"I know and I don't expect you to. What I did, what he did, was unforgivable." I stated sadly. "I should go, thank you for your time."

"Yeah, no problem." she said softly

"See you around." I said turning around to leave her nice apartment.

"Wait, can I have your number? Not for anything like that or whatever, but if I do forgive you, I'd like to let you know." She cried out getting my attention with her phone in hand.

"Sure, I'd love to." I smiled at her grabbing her phone and putting my number in. After I did, I put 'Bucky' as my name in her contacts, hoping she wouldn't mind.

"Thanks." She whispered

"Have a goodnight." I whispered looking into her eyes

"You too, stay outta trouble." She joked

"You too." I laughed leaving her apartment. I left feeling satisfied with what I had accomplished yet still hoping one day she can forgive me.

Three months later...

Sam and I decided to head to his favorite bar in his hometown. We were laughing and telling good stories from our pasts. Today we fixed his family's boat and decided to celebrate with a couple of drinks. I was on my third beer when all of the sudden my phone vibrated. Curiously, I looked down only to be texted by someone I honestly thought I'd never hear from. Tears ran down my face as I read the simple but important message.

'I forgive you'

Thank you so much for reading! This is the first Marvel fic I’ve written. Should I do a part 2?

Requests, comments, and reblogs are welcome.

Click here to see what I’ll write for and HERE for my master list.

•I do NOT own any characters except y/n•

-L.W.L

(Part 1)(Part 2)

[he13na]

i'm having trouble forgiving myself for trying nitrous oxide once last year.

i'm not okay with this. i betrayed myself in a moment of strange curiosity that was very out of character for me.

i don't do drugs. this is against my values and my beliefs. i still don't understand why i thought it was acceptable to try it.

i no longer feel pure. and it makes me so, so sad. this beautiful body that my mother created for me, i've tainted and poisoned it.

while nothing happened to me, i survived and no damage has been done (that i know about and i'm hoping and praying to god that it didn't permanently damage my vitamin b12), i'm suffering a delayed emotional pain, self shame and guilt that i'm really having a hard time absolving myself of. there should be no excuses.

i almost feel like i don't deserve forgiveness. that i will be living a lie to enjoy my life and the beautiful things around me and the love i receive from those who don't know what i did. that the goodness in my life is false because my soul is already corrupted. that the lightness and happiness i feel with the birds singing around me, the cats i pet and my mom's smile and the things that bring me comfort aren't meant for me.

i was never a drug user. i am not a drug user, but now i can't say that i never tried drugs and it breaks my heart. immunity to adversity was something i prided myself on and never felt weird or like an outcast for standing strong in my beliefs in avoiding harmful substances. i never cared about peer pressure, and i never put myself in situations where it could happen to me. but when i saw someone i love doing it and i was informed NO2 began in the Romantic era as a graduated English major, i was intrigued and slightly curious. curious enough to say "why not", abandon my values, try it and lose my innocence. i did not realize the darkly transformative effect it would have on my psyche, my heart and my soul. i didn't know about sudden death syndrome, or what it could do to my body irreversibly, or how it would feel morally. i didn't know that it would come back to haunt me later when i least expected it. if i did, i could have saved myself because the emotional and moral aftereffects weren't worth it.

this may be a secret i'll have to take to the grave, and i'm not okay with that. but will my mom, who's always done her very best to be a role model and raise me in a safe and healthy environment and always told me to say no to drugs, ever look at me the same? what if i hurt her more than i've hurt myself?

i still don't understand why i did that. that isn't me. that will never be me again. i wish i could go back and undo it. to tell my boyfriend it wasn't okay to do it and not let him either, even if it meant the end of the relationship.

i feel corrupted, worthless and broken.

i am grateful that i never fell to addiction or went down the path that led to it, or worse, the point of no return.

yes, i know that one choice or bad decision or experience doesn't define me. but why do I feel like it does?

i am having the hardest time sitting with myself now. i've had past regrets that aren't half as bad as this. how can i forgive myself and enjoy and love who i am again when i don't feel like i deserve it?

[corvuscore]

SMILE! :D

This isn't exactly a review, I just needed to talk my feelings through for a while.

If the mashups haven't made it clear, Porter Robinson is an artist that means more to me than I can put into words. Nurture is my favorite album in history for innumerable reasons. The profound, almost religious experience I had the night Nurture dropped was unlike anything I've ever experienced with a piece of music. So despite all of that, I knew I had to measure my expectations for tonight so I wouldn't be disappointed.

And I'm not. Not at all.

SMILE! :D was another hard pivot from the past, just like Nurture before it, but not without some guiding lines shared from Nurture. Where Nurture was a meditative, wise sage disseminating words of wisdom and encouragement to those who needed it, SMILE! :D is a frustrated scene girl with a lot on her mind who vents her negativity out through loud noises and dancing. She's under constant pressure, trapped in a world that doesn't know how to feel anymore, until she makes something beautiful and suddenly everyone won't leave her alone about it, contributing to another layer of pressure. She gets mad quickly and lashes out at people she loves and has to have those awkward conversations where she has to ask for a forgiveness she hasn't earned. She's had moments in the past where she's stared into the unforgiving face of time and accepted that it will wash her and everything she loves away, but that doesn't mean it won't stop scaring her, because accepting what you can't change doesn't take away all of its power over you.

To put it quite simply, SMILE! :D is... me.

Nurture was something I needed to hear when at my lowest, and it continues to provide me comfort and pull me out of low points to this day. But SMILE! :D, despite how extremely personal to Porter it is, has also found a way to worm itself into an unspeakable part of my heart - a darker, more spiteful part, who knows all those same sage words that Nurture has provided, and doesn't give a fuck because one too many things pissed me off today. The part of me that wants to be left alone even when I try to make new friends, that has that short fuse never given time to grow back no matter who is supporting me, that knows the end is coming and still just can't let it end. As much as we want out, it's not the way for us, and the reasons for both of those conflicting feelings are at the same time both selfish and selfless. And yes, the part of me that looks at this expression of one man's heart and the most fucked up parts of it in such a beautiful, colorful sonic tapestry, and makes it about me, me, me.

But in my defense, Porter did make it about me at the very end. His last note to me, to you, and to anyone else fortunate enough to have seen him perform or connect to his heart through a song, was a thankful one - those moments when we get to stay in that song with him mean "Everything To Me", he says. Having attended the Nurture tour myself (shoutout to the opener James Ivy, a credited producer on SMILE, who you should absolutely be listening to when you're done with it), I feel so incredibly fortunate that my moment quite literally crying in the club, on the phone with my husband while Porter played his loving ode to his now-wife, is a moment that meant something to Porter too, even when he doesn't even know about it. And as I truly let the weight of SMILE! :D set in for me, what hit hardest was the final track's conclusion to the thread of "addressing complicated feelings toward having any sort of fanbase at all" - gratitude for supporting him, sharing his art and emotional release with him, and admitting that no matter what, the love that we share for our respective total stranger on the other side of it is real, in its own way. And with the way my life has turned in the past couple years, I've had a (very very miniscule in comparison) taste of that feeling myself.

So, yes, overall my experience with SMILE! :D was very positive, as expected. But what I didn't expect was that he truly was in the mirror - I saw so much more of me in this project than his previous work. Not inconsolably emotional this time, but maybe it just hasn't really hit me yet. Regardless - thank you Porter, as always, for giving us so much more than we deserve of your heart and soul. More than anything, I hope that you are able to truly smile.

[jojoturnip]

It's the first kidney stone I've had since living with you.

I realized after moving out that they had much less to do with my diet and much more to do with stress. Living with you hurt me in a lot of ways, especially at the end.

And, I'm not saying it's all you, obviously. I made a habit of piling my plate so full that I wouldn't have too see past the mountain of things to do to the work of healing and rebuilding myself. Our third roommate, the fleas, transitioning from college to working full time. That was all stress.

But, in my last few months of living with you, I was getting stones regularly. Something that had never happened before. And I'd had those busy-body habits most of my life.

It's heartbreaking, you know? Because I really did love you. I really did want to be your friend forever. I really would've lived with you again.

But, I was hurting myself.

I don't think you ever noticed it. I want to think you didn't know you were hurting me.

The first time I really cried after leaving was when I found out that you weren't narcoleptic. I'd always imagined that you couldn't get out of bed and do it yourself. That it had to be me by default, not by your choice.

I'm not so certain anymore.

That's not to say I don't believe you can't be chronically ill and struggle to get out of bed in another way. Of course you can.

But I was passing fucking kidney stones the whole goddamn time, and I still carried myself and then part of you, too.

Today was the first day I've taken off sick at my job. I really haven't felt sick much at all--a rarity for me in through the winter months. The latest stone came from stress, I invited my grandparents over after not speaking to them for three years.

I was so scared and nervous and just out of my mind. I did everything I could to distract myself, but I felt terrible. I knew I had to do it, before August rolled around. Sooner rather than later. I'd promised.

It makes sense that they're coming stressed me out enough to give me a stone. It makes sense that I've had more nightmares keeping me up recently.

What doesn't make sense is that they handled everything better than you did.

I spoke the truth to them. Not about everything, but enough. They don't need to know my whole story. We just have to find neutral ground. For my sister. For her daughter.

It hurt, and I cried so much the whole time, and they didn't even remember some of the hardest parts of my life. They tried to argue they had done more to face my father when we were kids, to get him to be a better dad, but they claimed he was out of their control. Claimed that he still is.

We're not on friendly terms. I doubt we ever will be, but they took it all so much better than you. They recognized I had my own life, and that I wouldn't be taking abuse or staying silent about it any longer. I'd felt my ted-talk communication skills kick in, and I'd expressed understanding for their side, too. It would be hard to accept your son is a shit father.

They can't deny it much anymore. He's scheduled a cruise for when his granddaughter is due.

Things haven't been easy lately. Hell, I've met so many of my darkest fears head on since the end of last year. My world has flipped inside-out, upside-down. But, I've been pushing through it okay. I'm so much stronger than I thought I was.

It breaks my heart again after meeting with my grandparents to know there was an option for a different reality. You could've been there, beside me, carrying our own loads but lifting each other all the while. We could've grown closer. We could still be friends.

I miss you a lot. I'm not afraid to say that. I can hold the contradictive love and fear in my hands. Do you still have nuance, even though she detests it?

Sometimes, I wish you were still around. I have so many stories to tell you, so many questions to ask. Sometimes I wish my therapist would tell me that I had done something wrong so I could grovel at your knees and beg for forgiveness, beg to start again.

I'll always miss you. But, you weren't healthy for me. And I know you aren't safe for my loved ones now.

I have to live with missing you. And the fears you've left behind.

At least there are fewer kidney stones.

[despite-everything]

i feel like every time i finally feel at peace about going no-contact with my mother something happens again that makes it sickening and one of the hardest things i've done.

i don't think i've ever burst into tears like this before. i dont even cry that often but im just really fucking going through it tonight. my mother texted me photos of the land she's bought down in central texas to build a ranch house on. when i was a kid, my grandparents had ranches. my grandmother was raised on one, too, and its gone back in our family. so i grew up on the ranch for holidays, long weekends, and portions of the summer. when my grandmother died and my parents divorced when i was a preteen, i went with my dad and my connection with that side of the family was almost severed because of my mothers tendency to spread lies and rumors which made me and my father unwelcome. a few years ago, the ranch became public property which is something im grateful for, but its weird to go back and visit, and i live nowhere near there anymore.

i basically went no-contact with my mother two years ago when she used my grandfather's death against me in a really terrible way. that was my grandfather who ranched. i long to be back in central texas. i feel so at home there. but im trans and unless i get one of a few very specific jobs (probably in austin) i wont go back and that breaks my fucking heart. my mother still texts me sometimes, and i havent blocked her because ive been informed of major family news from her even though i cant respond. she bought some land a few months ago and is building on the property and is going to move back to texas. she sent me update photos of the land tonight as well as a story about a beautiful coyote skeleton picked clean by buzzards on the property. i was the family member who collected bones from the ranch. i genuinely burst into tears when i saw the photos.

and then she followed up by talking about how she intends to build a small ranch house and a small guest house for friends and family to feel welcome and visit. and i just can't stop crying. that's all i've ever wanted. my grandparents had several ranches, but sold them. they asked every other person in the family if they'd be willing to take it over and manage it except for me - the one person who had always wanted to do that. but no one asked me and it was at a tumultuous time in my parents marriage so i didnt know until years later and too late. and theres almost no chance in hell i could ever afford property like that unless i inherit. and since all the ranches were sold and my grandparents are dead, i don't think that will ever happen to me. the ranch they lived on was The Ranch in the sense that it had a guest cabin and enough space for family to visit and at holidays there'd be 12-15 of us. i fucking miss that so much and theres no way to get it back and i know that but the fact that my mother is managing to re-create that same thing and i can't be part of it without hurting myself immensely is so sickening to me.

like i feel like im rambling and just sound stupid or ungrateful or something but its like ive been coming to terms with the fact that i'll never have an intact family again and im never going to have access to "home" unless i create one from scratch and i miss living in texas even with the bad parts and i miss the ranch and my family and this woman who has hurt me so fucking much suddenly gets to have this amazing life where she's becoming the new family matriarch and creating a place for everyone to gather and be happy hurts so so so much. im scared i will forgive her. ive cut her off then accepted her back before and it only made things worse. if i know whats good for me i'll stay away. but it's like the thing i've wanted more than anything else in the entire world is being dangled in front of me but if i accept it i might as well kill myself.

[alilaro]

small personal update

.

taking a break from being so intensely involved with volturi fandom has been a really good thing for me I think.

I still think about and draw them daily—to me they are like my own characters now, with long much I have changed them, and how much it has changed me since being a preteen.

But I think I got so obsessed with posting, being liked, and being a weird persona of myself that I just burnt myself out. Especially from 2017—2019, I was just a mess, and addicted to the praise and attention I got from posting non-stop, and making content almost purely to please others (which I now realize was a way of escaping the nightmare that was my previously incredibly abusive household, and the years of neglect that came with it.)

And now, since 2022 I've been on a hiatus, and I think that was the right decision for me.

its been really hard in some ways. After escaping my toxic father, the shock and grief of it all was so so much for me to handle. All those years, my entire life, locked in a room, guilted and fear-mongered into complete and never-ending isolation; to finally be free from that was both liberating but the hardest thing I've ever done, and it crushed me, it drained everything from me, including my one tether: my art.

i struggled with it for a while, and still do. i still only draw the bare minimum, but when I draw now its for me. there's no more 'cant draw That because its Cringe'. theres no constant, nagging guilt from not posting something in over a month. i don't have to make excuses, or grovel manically for imagined people to forgive me—as if not posting is some cardinal sin.

i just draw for fun, because I feel like it. because it makes me happy. :-)

[bradley-banner]

👫 + santiago

How did Bradley Banner end up with Santiago De Leon? I don't even really know myself, but we can start at the beginning. I was trying to stay on the down low and walked into the first place I found when I first arrived in Aurora Bay, sat myself at the dark end of the bar at this place called Four Leaf and ordered an old fashioned. I remember him grabbing a glass, turning and pausing for a second — and in that moment I thought he was going to recognise me, but he didn't, instead he asked if I had a preference on scotch or bourbon. It was a quiet Tuesday night, so after a while he sat on a stool on the other side, said he hadn't seen me around before, asked my name. Told him I was called Ryan, he didn't even flinch, absolutely no idea who I was. Something freeing about that, talking to someone without that whole pressure of them knowing everything they've seen on the internet about you. Four leaf closed for the night but for some reason he didn't kick me out, instead we just sat, talking until the sun was coming through the window outside. The rest, they say, is history.

I got told so many times not to marry him. My parents, my friends, my business associates, people who thought they still had a chance with me if it wasn't for him. Tried to tell me he just wanted my status, which was always funny to me because we were always more comfortable when we were alone, honest to god, my favourite place used to be sat on our couch, tucked under his arm, finger tracing the spot I knew my initials were tattoo'd on his chest, talking about all the things we wanted for the future, where we were going to travel, what we were going to name our kids and how we'd bring them up. How I wanted them to have parents like his, not mine. Where if the world got too bright for us to survive I'd take a step back once I'd hit my initial goals.

Leaving him, even though it seemed like a split second decision, was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life and I'm not entirely sure I'll ever fully recover from that. Loving him was easy, teaching myself not to be in love him was much harder and although enough time has passed that I'm not in love with him anymore, I still love him to a degree, pretty sure I always will. Serving him divorce papers as fast as I could was more of an attempt at talking myself out of going home, because I knew that if I did I'd probably forgive him — and I had too much respect for myself to be that woman. I'd like to be able to say I wish him the agony of knowing you weren't enough, but I don't. I hope he finds someone he loves enough not to do that to, because honestly, I wouldn't wish losing someone you thought was the love of your life on anybody, not even him.

If the last few months have taught me nothing else, it's that I probably need to pack up and move before we get caught up in something thats a waste of both of our time. I've realised theres nothing truly keeping me here. We don't seem able to stay out of each others orbit, but all we seem to manage to do when we collide is add to misery I thought I'd recovered from a long time ago.

( @santiagodeleons )

[muzanswaifu]

Fanfic Writer Emoji Ask (Answered)

I"m not even gonna wait for anyone to ask bcuz this bitch is gonna answer them NOW

I wait for no one 😤

Keep reading if you wanna see my answers!

I nominate @xxsabitoxx, @magoliaomega, @yurmomsawh0r, and all my other writer moots to answer all these as well, CUZ I WANNA KNOW WAT YALL HAVE TO SAY

😅 What's a story or scene you've created that you're a smidge embarrassed exists?

All of my old Doushino fics lmao, I like the base storyline I did for all of them, but my writing was so shitty back then and I cringe looking back at them now. Ireally really wish I could just rewrite them but Ik some people would literally shit their pants if i deleted them so im stuck

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

I have a kink for apology/angst scenes haha, if couldn't already tell from my past works. It's just something that I feel everyone thrives for, especially myself, where the love interest apologizes for all their wrong doings and admits that they long for yn's forgiveness and love. Mama is a heart throb

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh?

Any scene with shinobu in my Gamer Giyu fic "The Perfect Date". I tried to make her as funny as possible in that one, and believe me, there were plenty more funny moments of her in my draft for that fic that I ended up having to cut out bcuz I felt it drew away from the plot too much. Oh how I wish to make a fic just for her lol

😈 Has there been a point in a story where you did something just to be playfully mean to your readers?

I like to make the love interests assholes sometimes, just to piss you guys off hehe, everytime they do something shitty that makes you hella sad, just know that it was me 😈

✍ Do you have a beta reader?

I don't unfortunately, I kinda just go read over it myself a couple times to check for mistakes but thats pretty much it. Ngl lie though, I am kinda interested in having someone else proofread for spelling mistakes and plot holes, any takers 👀 preferrably someone who's talented with that sort of thing haha

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

I always enjoy a good simile and metaphor here and there, not really sure about themes... love at first sight maybe? enemies to lovers? tsundere? I like sad fics as well that have happy endings, I will never, ever do a completely sad ending, i just don't like them and they leave a bad taste in my mouth

🎢 Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

Dog, I dont even knooooooooooow, i think all of my fics are pretty straight forward and tame. Maybe Regrettable? All of my super crazy fics are still in production so we'll just wait and see, but for drafts rn, my "No Escape" (Sanemi x Reader) series is gonna be hella crazy, so just you wait

✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉

My fav thing about my writing is probably my dialogue, i think I write pretty appropriate dialogue. I try my damn hardest not to make the characters cringe and to make them relatable so I hope I've done a good job with that

💋 First kiss fics. Love em or hate em?

Ngl, I kinda hate them. Kissing is nice and all but i write smut yall, i got bigger things to worry about than smooching. Now virginity loss fics are a whole nother story, bcuz i can actually make it enjoyable unlike real life 😭 Shitty first time gang arise ✊

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately?

Nope, I bask in silence, maybe some white noise in the background sometimes? Music distracts me too much

🛠What tools/programs/apps do you use to write?

I use my notes app on my phone to make my outlines, google for thesaurus, and an online word counter for the final word count

⛔ Do you have a fic you started, but scrapped?

Yup, for those who remember, I was working on a fic called Night and Day about Kyo x stepsister reader who was living with him. Originally I had him as a yandere, obsessive person with reader being uninterested in him and the fic being non-con, but I ended up scrapping the whole thing and changing it to be a fluff fic with reader living with kyo, reader having a crush on him, and slowly the two grow closer, with tons and tons of angst and sadness. The original outline for the non-con fic is on my patreon if anyone would like to see the poor thing, it had 8 chapters outlined too haha. what a waste.

🙋‍♀️ Do any irl people know you write fanfic?

Only 1 ☝️ I'm pretty sure i've mention her before, my friend sam? We used to read a ton of fanfics and watch anime growing up so she's the only person i've ever told since she understands the field, and i am never gonna tell anyone else 😭I would literally die, my group at college doesn't even watch anime

🍦 What's the sweetest fic you've created so far?

Either Perfect Date or Regrettable

🍷 Do you drink and write?

Hehe no, I do smoke and write sometimes though

🍆 Do you write the spicy stuffs? If so, what's your most popular nsfw fic?

My Little One if I remember correctly

🌞 Do you have a preferred time of day to write?

I usually like to write at night after I've finished all of my hw, right before bedtime :)

💖 What made you start writing?

I had a ton of idea for fics but didn't want to spend my days requesting all of them so I just wrote them myself, I write so much shit already for school, so I just said fuck it, lets ball

💌 How do you feel about comments and feedback?

I thrive off of them ❤️‍🔥 I frame every single comment on my wall ngl

❌ What's a trope you will never write?

Cheating. Not sure if thats a trope but i kinda feel it is in some fics where reader or love interest cheats, the one who got cheated on gets revenge sex with another party, and then they get back together. I just hate it and it hurts my feeling and turns me off

💲 Would you ever open commissions?

Of course! After I finish all of my requests I'm gonna get that started hopefully and use the money to buy hot figurines 🥵

🧐 Do you spend much time researching for your stories?

Sometimes, it depends on the fic. I usually just look up time period stuff so that things are close to accurate

🏆 What's your most popular fic?

My Little One

🎃 Do you write fics for certain holidays? Which is your favorite holiday inspired fic?

I love halloween fics, they are scarily hot

🎯 Have any of your readers accurately guessed major plot points? Care to share which?

YUP, @magoliaomega has perfectly written part 2 for two of my fics, reading her gifts is so eerie bcuz they were exactly wat i would've wanted for the sequel and I love her for for it, she is literally god

🎨 How do you feel about fan art of your stories?

I've never gotten any but I would love to, fan art is awesome

📈 How many fics do you have?

Uhhhh like 20 I think?

🦅 Do you outline fics or fly by the seat of your pants?

I usually outline but I'm kinda thinking ab stopping bcuz my best fics were written without any preparations so well see.

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

Girl Imma talk about I'm Yours, my upcoming series ab alpha kyo and omega fem reader. I am sosososoosososossosos excited for this one yall have no idea. I've already mapped out the chapters and plot and everything. Im currently working on chapter two and just cant wait to get this shit done so i can post everything. I'm just excited to add to the very small pile of kny omegaverse fics and hopefully the series will inspire more abo creations for demon slayer. Another work I'm excited ab is a collab im doing with a fellow bestie 😏 I wont name any names or say wat the fic is ab but hopefully well get the fic done sometime next year, really excited to work with her on this!

🤗 What advice would you give to new fanfic writers that are just getting started?

I would start off with headcannons, then short scenes, then one-shots, then multi-chapter. I went backwords from this list and i wish i didnt haha. theres nothing wrong with doing it out of that order of course, I just think its the best way to build up skill and get a hang of things. Also dont be afraid to take breaks! burning urself out will lead to depression babes

💞 Who's your comfort character?

Shinobu ❤️ she was the first girl I wrote for in demon slayer and she's always held a special place in my heart

🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them.

Can't really answer this one lmaoooooo, so ill choose a random headcannon I have, Shizu taught Sanemi how to cook and he always helped her make meals for the family

🤩 Who is your favorite character to write?

Kyojuro, my love. He is so pure, I wanna suck the soul outta him

🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip?

Mitsuri was obviously upset.

One day was fine. Two was pushing it. Three was a little concerning. Four was a lite search. Five was thorough detective work. And six was a breakdown. By day seven, today, she was still bawling in her pillow, wondering where-oh-where you’d gone. 

Meanwhile, you hardly had time to worry about your concerning absence with a dragon on you at all times of the day. During the rare moments you weren’t getting knotted or eaten out, you were getting bathed, fed, or hushed to sleep. Similar to Kanroji, you too were sobbing into your bedding - but your reason being your cunt getting ravaged hourly. The pleasure was still incredibly mind-blowing, but your pussy was so fucked raw and puffy that you were sore beyond belief from the mating session. You had misunderstood that section in the book. You’d thought a week-long initial rut meant only occasional couplings, like a sort of honeymoon phase.Nope. Every waking moment was spent hanging off his knot and getting filled to the brim with his seed. Hereallywanted babies. And he was likely going to get them, even if it wasn’t your fertile week. You doubted his sperm would take no for an answer, honestly...

“Are you tired, my love?”

You moaned as he pulled on the lock and replied in a cracked voice. “Ye-eess.”

With one more tug, his knot was pulled free. You came painfully one final time before a flood of spunk gushed down your legs. Kyojuro flipped you over to your back and set you down onto the part of the nest that wasn’t caked in sin.

He kissed your forehead as you panted. “Our rut is done, little one. You did wonderfully, I’m so proud - you may rest now,” he whispered and laid next to you. You sighed and groaned, “Finaallyyyy.” He chuckled.

“Tomorrow we will bring your things here and anything else you may need. Your friends and family will understand, I’m sure.” You eyes shot open and you remembered them.

“Oh my god!”

Lil snippet from My Sweet Kitten (Mitsuri x Dragon Iguro) My Little One Part 2 hehe

😬 Which of your fics would you be most horrified for friends, family, or coworkers to stumble upon?

Any of my non-con lmao, I think they would kill me tbh, but I heard that kinks were hereditary so this is their fault

🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success?

If people ask for a part 2, even though I wont write one hehe

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

Breeding kink, I have needs. Also pet names (baby, sweetheart, my love, darling, princess, ect)

📚 Would you ever want to turn writing into a career?

Maybe as a side career, I'm not getting a degree in my field of study just to write smut all day lmaooo, i enjoy having writing as my hobby and dont want to have it bare the burden of being my main source of income, it would stress me too much

⌛ How long does it take you to write a fic, or a chapter?

It depends honestly, if I'm really inspired and horny, it takes less time. My Little One took me only 3 days to write cuz i was so pent up haha, requests take longer tho bc i have a specific plot and terms to stick to, along with anxieties about whether or not the requester will approve wat i've produced, so those usually take me a couple weeks to a month

🤯 What's a genre you struggle with as a writer (ex. romance, action, etc.)?

Action. That shit is hard. I don't think i could ever write a fight scene ever

💔 Is there a fic of yours that broke your heart?

Not the ones i have currently but the ones i have in the works are extremely heartbreaking, i cried a little writing some of them

💥 How do you feel about criticism?

It depends on the type of criticism. I appreciate it if its about errors in my writing since i still have some growing to do in that department. But there has been some drama ab the things I write ab that people find...distasteful. If you don't like what I write ab, leave, dont waste my time pretending to be a mutual, I write for me not you. Some of yall have some real mean girl mentalities and need to grow tf up, this isn't fucking highschool. Im glad for thei experience tho bcuz it's taught me how to deal with negative people better. On the more constructive side of things tho, if you see errors like plotholes, devices, or grammar in my fics, please tell me! I miss shit sometimes and appreciate the help to better my work

🤭 Do you have a favorite tag to use when posting your works?

#Smut. LMFAOOO

🥰 How do you feel about reader interaction? Are you open to receiving questions about your fics?

I looooove reader interactions! I wanna know what people think and what they would like to see next. I also love requests but I've learned that they are harder than they look lmao. I just worry ab disappointing readers sometimes. I want you guys to enjoy it too!

[electric-rabbits]

TMG ask! Now some of my favourites that come to mind: Lakeside View Apartment Suite Game Shows Touch Our Lives Guys on Every Corner Mobile Heretic Pride (back atchu!)

hehehe thank you sm for the ask I'll be sooo annoying about it!!! Let's goooo Lakeside View Apartments Suite- This is one of those songs I listened to so many fucking times I ended up squeezing all of the endorphins out of it. But the line that breaks me is

And just before I leave I throw up in the sink One whole life recorded In disappearing ink

Just. I've never struggled with addiction myself, but I've done some work with damage reduction, and whenever JD writes about addiction he does such a great job at it- never moralizing, never failing to recognize the value on all the things we do to survive, but also noting the suffering that it may cause. The loss of agency and of history that this line shows, this alienation from your own existence... Yeah.

Game Shows Touch Our Lives- This ENTIRE SONG. The WHOLE THING. But that's not the game so

Thunderclouds forming, cream white moon, Everything's gonna be ok soon Maybe tomorrow, Maybe the next day

This is the tragedy of Tallahasse. The listeners know how twisted this is, this idea that (once again) the Alpha Couple can only be at peace when they are fully alienated from themselves and from each other; but they have hope. For a second there they think maybe their love is still there, and maybe they were happy someday, and maybe they can be happy again. But the clouds are forming, and we see the storm coming.

Guys on Every Corner- Fun fact! Bleed Out was the first TMG album launch I've followed- I've been listening to them since the days of In League with Dragons, but I only started following their socials and stuff during the pandemic, so here we are

They look like nothing They look like your neighbors You won't remember their faces later

It's a fucking panopticon! He's got guys on every corner!!! It doesn't matter if that guy really is one of his guys, because he could be. Any guy could be. You'll never be safe.

Mobile- Listen. Listen. Eduardo Galeano once referred to the christian god as "The god of the christians, the god from my childhood" and that's the relationship I have with catholicism. I'm an atheist and I've been for years, but JD really does write directly to that childhood and brings the material and the mundane into it, and it gets me good every time.

Lord, if you won't keep me safe and warm Then send down the storm Send down the storm

GAH! The passive suicidal ideation, the way this asks god "If I was not enough to be chosen, to be good, then can you at least punish me properly. At least let me face down your wrath. Your punishment is better than your indifference. I'm on a balcony in Mobile, Alabama, waiting for my god to finally kill me, but he is too forgiving to do so, and too vengeful to love me as I am.

Herectic Pride- THIS IS A SONG ABOUT QUEER JOY AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR OTHERWISE

And I start laughing like a child And I mark their faces, one by one Transfiguration's gonna come for me at last And I will burn hotter than the sun

In christianism, we get told again and again that we must forgive those who do us harm. This was one of the hardest things to unlearn in my life after leaving religion. This idea of being sacrificed for being seen as profane, as dangerous, as demonic, and then taking that not as martyrdom but as a chance to strike back??? Showing that those things they condemned in you are your strength?? They may fucking break my bones but I will make them pay. I will make them pay.

[rubykgrant]

The hardest part to deal with all this is I made multiple decisions to do something wrong and be a bad person, for years, but when I look back at who I was, I can't even understand myself. I don't know why I didn't care enough, or why I didn't put enough thought into consequences of my actions. I can see why certain things upset me, and I can understand how not letting go of all that was like keeping a lot of pain bottled up, but that still isn't an excuse for repeatedly being selfish, hurtful, and dishonest. I can't comprehend what I was thinking to myself, why I thought it could possibly be alright to be so horrible. I can only try to force myself to face the fact that I was lying to myself, too. I wished that I could be "special" somehow, pretended that I was, but instead I ruined my own life. Even though it started when I was young, it continued as I grew up. It wasn't just being stupid or making mistakes. It was bad habits that became bad behavior. That isn't an excuse, either.

I can't just say "I'm a different person now", because every bad thing I've ever done feels like it is some kind of corruption for my own future. If I've been dishonest, how can my sorrow or sincerity be taken seriously? If I've been disrespectful, how can I ever be trusted to be kind? More than that, how dare I share any thoughts I have, how dare I try to be taken seriously, how dare I accept any form of attention or sympathy? Even though I eventually made a decision to change, I still kept making bad choices, and it feels like I just keep lying to myself again, thinking I can be a decent person.

I don't know how to move forward with all this shame and guilt. I'm not sure that I can. I could have been a good person years ago, I knew better, kept being selfish. I want to stop being like that. I can't just forgive myself and act like I was never wrong, but I also don't want to act like the punishment for being selfish is to become self-destructive. Part of me wants to try and "atone" for what I've done by throwing away everything I own, because I don't deserve to have things that make me happy. Part of me wants to isolate myself, delete everything that connects me to other people, because I don't deserve to interact with anybody. Part of me knows that is just being self-destructive, while also hiding alone. I wish I had never done so many awful things, not just for my own sense of peace, but for the sake of treating other people with decency and respect. I've been hurt in big and small ways, I've been hurt in ways that continued for years and in brief moments. I should never have added to the hurt other people were feeling. I wish I wasn't even capable of being like that.

I don't want to sound like I'm just crying for pity, or bribing people into feeling sympathy. If it is possible, I'm trying to write out my thoughts so I can make sense of it, instead of going through every day, letting the negativity fill up my head. I know I can't ever un-do my bad decisions, or apologize enough for myself, but I want to keep trying to be a better person. I don't want to sound egotistical, but if it is possible, I want to try and give goodness to people whenever I can. I don't have the means to do much, and I don't want any "praise" or "forgiveness" for doing the bare minimum of treating other people with respect and kindness, but I really want to try. It sounds immature and silly, but I want to be the person I could have grown up to be, when I was a child, and still had a chance to be somebody good. The shame and guilt will always be inside me, but I don't want to hold on to the hate anymore, and I don't want to kill the hope.

I am so sorry to everybody who has worried about during this time, and I appreciate all the kind words people have shared. I want to be the kind of person who can repay that kindness

[eldritchsurveys]

1169.

What was the last bad thing that happened to your phone? >> Nothing bad has happened to my phone since I've owned it. What are your plans for tomorrow? >> I don't have any plans. I expect Sparrow is going to want to play my BG3 install, so I can't make any plans because that pretty much takes over my whole day. Have you ever been with someone while they were throwing up? >> Sure.

What kind of outfit are you wearing right now? >> Joggers and a t-shirt.

Would you go out in public right this moment? >> If I absolutely had to, I suppose, but otherwise... no? I'm happy being in my room.

Who was the last person you talked to on instant messenger? .

Have you ever done something illegal with a family member? What about with your best friend? .

Would you rather get high or get drunk? >> Get high.

Would you rather get pregnant at too young an age or never be able to reproduce? .

What was the last thing you cooked? >> I haven't cooked anything in a while, so I don't remember. What were you doing 45 min ago? >> Scrolling my tumblr feed to see what I missed whilst I was off doing other things.

What will you be doing in 20 min? >> Either still doing this survey (sometimes they take way longer than I think they would by looking at them) or back on tumblr.

What did you do yesterday? >> Mostly I watched Sparrow play BG3. But I also did my laundry in the morning, avoided the inspection guy by going to the store because I hate having people in my house so I'd rather just not be here when they are, and started a BG2 playthrough.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? >> I did not. I usually don't.

Have you ever gotten alcohol poisoning? >> I haven't.

Are you in a good mood right now? >> Meh.

What’s the hardest thing you have done all week? .

How did you feel when you woke up today? >> The malaise was settling in.

Do you want to see someone at this very moment? >> I do not.

Think of the person who has hurt you the most in the past year, who is it? . Do you think two people can last forever? . Do you find it in your heart to forgive? >> I just am not interested in forgiveness. I don't see the point.

Last person you talked to on the phone for longer than 5 min? .

Are you a morning person or night person? >> Morning. Did you go out or stay in last night? >> lmao

Who was the last person in your bedroom? >> Sparrow.

Are you afraid to tell your true feelings? >> Of course I am. When has that ever gone well?

Can you honestly say you’re okay right now? >> Yeah, I'm okay. How has this past week been for you? >> It's been... a week? I have no idea how to condense the experience of so many hours into a few words.

Do you do your own laundry? >> Sure.

Do you currently have a hickey? >> I do not.

Did you ever lose a best friend? >> Not to death, but yes.

How many piercings do you have? >> Three.

Do you bump into someone’s arm if you want to hold their hand? >> I do not do this. Are you listening to music, if so, what song? .

Favorite part of summer? >> The copious amounts of sunlight and the warmth it brings.

Where was your default picture taken? .

What is your middle name? >> Shadow.

What color underwear are you wearing? >> Black. What color shirt are you wearing? >> Black.

Ever had a near death experience? >> Possibly.

Have you ever kissed in the rain? >> I have.

What is your natural hair color? >> Dark brown.

Could you handle living with the last boy you texted? .

What are you excited for? >> I am not excited for anything.

Have you been to the beach this year? .

What makes you happy? >> Argh.

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? >> Sure.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking weed? >> Perhaps technically, but it would be hell and I don't see the point of putting myself through that when I can just. Smoke weed. :V

Held hands with anyone in the past month? >> I have not.

Would you put your life on the line for anyone? >> I would not.

When’s the last time you did something you knew was wrong? .

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? >> I don't think that, but I suppose it's possible I'm wrong.

Are there any bruises/cuts on your body? >> There aren't.

How late did you stay up last night? >> Midnight.

Do you want someone to call you right now? >> Absolutely not.

Are you a loud person? >> I prefer not being loud, but sometimes it happens.

Are you a shy person? >> I am not.

Does it take a lot to make you cry? >> I don't think so.

If your parents didn’t like the person you were dating, would you lose them? .

How’s your heart lately? .

How was Saturday night? >> I assume it was uneventful. Will you be in a relationship in 4 months? .

Are you tan? >> I'm darkskinned. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? .

Think a lot before you fall asleep? >> Meh.

[articulatedbyleilani]

Things are getting hard again

I always tried my hardest to prepare mentally and emotionally when it came to tough times with Donnel. It was never easy, and when it was, I knew it wouldn't be that way forever.

When we became boyfriend and girlfriend, I made a promise a few promises that were important for me to uphold during our life together. I've kept them to myself, but tried my best to execute each and every single one of them.

To stand behind him when everybody is against him.

To support him when he's feeling unmotivated or loosing faith.

To be his back bone when things are falling apart.

To show up for him during his lowest and highest times.

To remain faithful and avoid temptation without hesitation, during both good times, but more when it seems like things are going bad for too long.

To never entertain the thought of breaking up despite how bad things got (in preparation for marriage, despite if it ended up there or not), instead fight for us.

To never go into the day after an argument radiating negative energy from the previous night, still upholding my duties as his girl.

To forgive him when he isn't seeing eye to eye or when he isn't showing any sensitivity.

To understand him when he doesn't feel understood.

There's so much more to add to this list.

I believe i've done a good job fulfilling all of these promises. But regardless of me fulfilling these promises, problems still arised.

We started bumping heads again, couldn't see eye to eye, Donnel started radiating break up energy, it seemed as if he didn't care about how anything he did or said made me feel.

He started doing questionable things that triggered old trauma from the beginning of our relationship.

He was hurting me. In every way possible. I started feeling alone. It didn't make him a bad person though, it was just showing me where he stood based on his lack of effort to actually understand who I am NOW vs who I was THEN. Where my mindset is NOW vs where it was THEN.

I think what hurts the most is that he spends more time convincing himself that we'll never work out than he does praying and making sure we do. It hurts that that's the constant energy brought into our relationship.

[thedamselinthismess]

April 5, 2024

It's 9:15 am here in Tennessee. I don't know if it's a beautiful morning, because I just now managed to drag myself from the bed to get the day started. My mother is on my mind today. I'm still waiting for who claims to be my 'husband' to come help me with the things I need help with. It looks like I'm taking the job today. It seems to be the only way I'm going to survive this thing called life. It's okay though. I can handle it.

I remember when I was younger, I would make lists of things that my mom did that annoyed me just to remind myself never to do those things or to my own children. I don't have children so it's not an issue and quite frankly I would give anything for her to annoy me like that again. I miss her every single day. It's been 4 years and honestly it's just gotten harder. Don't let anyone tell you that it gets easier, because it doesn't; and if I've said that in a previous post just know that I lied. Everything is hard for me right now. Mentally, emotionally, and some physically. However, I know that it's time to take back my life and as hard as I've prayed and as hard as I've listened, I have still not gotten an answer on what is right for me.

This is where trust happens. This is the hardest thing for me to do. Even with God. I have to put everything down and learn to move forward for myself. I didn't start this journey alone, but I fear that I may cross the finish line holding my own hand. I've been in everyone else's corner when not a single soul wanted to stand in mine. It's lonely here, and it just gets darker and more scary as the days go on.

Maybe soon, I can figure things out for myself, but for now, I'm struggling. I'm depressed and I'm hopeless for a future that I dream of. I would lie if I told any of you that I didn't want to give up, but the tiniest thing inside me keeps me hanging on. I'm not sure what it is or how long it will last, but for now just know that I'm okay.

That's another lie. I'm not okay. I'm drowning and there's no one there to save me. Some days I surprise myself. I don't know who carries me most days, but I know it's not me. But it's someone.

I'm scared to leave this pain with other people that may or may not care about me. I don't want to become a Facebook post for someone that couldn't take the time to listen to me or hear my story. I don't want someone having to come clean out my apartment and seeing all the secret things I have hidden away. I mean, I suppose that it's okay for someone to know me after I'm dead.

Maybe I just found my answer as to why I keep hanging on. Who knows? Maybe it's someone or something. What I do know is that it's not the fear of dying. Living this life alone scares me more than leaving it.

My rope is burned up with the situation that i'm in with Jordan. I can't love him anymore. I can't find it in me to forgive him for the things that he's said and done and didn't do for me. The empty promises and the hopes of a life that he knew damn well would never come. I have to make a decision for myself and I have to make it fast. I'm tired of being strung on this line by him. I'm miserable and I hope that when I get rid of the dead weight that life will get a little easier. Until then I still have to hope. I have to dig somewhere deep in my soul to find the slightest glimmer to keep going.

Maybe soon it will all be alright. But for now I have to keep pushing.