#fuck it this can go on my yearning blog im yearning for a life where i can study linguistics frfr

[southeast-northwest]

giggling and kicking my feet reading this book??like hi? hello?? dude linguistics has always scratched my brain in such a!!! perfect way!! and ive found the time to read and got my hands on some second hand books and I've been getting through them like fuckkkk,,,,

i wish. i wish. id gotten the opportunity to study linguistics at a uni level. that'd be the dream..

in another life im an academic linguist. unfortunately in this life i like being able to afford food.

ANYWAY huge hype about Because Internet by Gretchen McCulloch. as soon as I finish reading this book I wanna check out her podcast @lingthusiasm

also!!! send me reccs of linguistics books (that are less than a few decades old if possible). as interesting as Pinker's thoughts are, it's kinda funny reading this guy say, in full confidence, that language is so complicated that computers will never be able to believably write anything resembling natural human communication. lol

[lampert3008]

"Someone should really clean those floor buttons..."

[ OOC ]

hey freaks, welcome to the lampert regretevator blog. i'm finally getting around to making a funky scuffed little intro post to pin, so feel free to join me below the cut to read a whole bunch of nonsense

WHERE AM I? WHAT IS THIS?

okay first of all, calm down

This is an ask/RP blog based off of Lampert from the Roblox game Regretevator. Though, keep in mind it won't be 100% canon, and will both be sprinkled with my own headcanons and also occasionally out of character for Lampert because, shockingly, I am not Lampert Real Life™ and do not know how he would react to everything. I try my best though.

Lampert uses primarily he/him pronouns, but sometimes I sprinkle in some he/they in there. as a treat

I'll try my best to respond to asks with drawings, although I am very fragile old man and am decaying with each passing second so sometimes it is difficult for me to get myself to draw

(i am sixteen years old) (i also have a very shit memory and will forget that i have asks to answer whoopsies) (i may be 16 but i feel like my bones are going to fold in on themselves like a lawn chair and wither away at any given moment constantly)

i'll try to remember to tag asks as #lampertasks and non-asks as #lampposts (haha get it) or #ooc if i'm talking to YOU. (im get you.)

WHO ARE YOU?

heya, i'm ray, the owner of this blog, i do not have a main blog and you have no proof, nor will you find it. if i. um. if i had one, i mean. which i dont. don't go look for it. because you. wont. find anything. um. yeah

i am genderfluid and use all pronouns, i am the master of pronouns, the pronoun wizard one could say, simply refer to me. full stop

please do not sex me i am a minor (i yearn i yearn i yearn for the tunnels the coal the coal the mines i yearn i yearn for black lung i yearn please put me in the mines please give me a pickaxe i am mentally stable and can be trusted with big sharp objects)

do not sex lampert either. you cannot fuck the lamp i forbid it

if you try i will lock you in the Dungeon for seven thousand years

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

as i already mentioned, do not try and fuck lampert or you will face the consequences, lampert may be an adult but i am not

sex jokes are fine though. to a point. just dont be creepy. be funny or Die (/hj)

i have no opinions on shipping content, i will probably not take it seriously and will shitpost with most of it. i mean of course i have regretevator ships i enjoy, like come on im a tumblr user what do you expect from me, but i doubt i'll insert them into this blog unless it's for The Funny (or if it's my partner's Unpleasant blog. but that also classifies as being for The Funny)

i'm totally cool with roleplay asks from other RP blogs, canon or OCs, and will respond in-character. i mean like, this blog is connected with three other regretevator RP blogs so i don't see why not

aforementioned three other regretevator blogs:

@displeazinggradient

@sk8tr1101

@detectivebive

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH ME? ARE YOU GOING TO HURT ME?

yeah lmao

[dying-sage]

got too embarrassed to have this on public blog so couple days later going here.

might merge my diary yap blog and this becuz whatever but im DONE with my self hating bullshit idk if being inside is just letting me think and breathe and be my gorgeous introvert self for once but i feel so free and so floaty like nothing is real and could easily be crushed by me pinching my life and rubbing it between my fingers. like its all so okay when im inside and by myself but i wish i was capable of this thinking outside. when i go out i get so overwhelmed and there are so many variables to make me feel like shit but not even hate myself or whadeva but act in ways that i feel i dont stand by and dont believe. i get meaner or sadder or people pleasy or contrarian or anything to not be vulnerable and authenthic. i have in the past gotten strong on my own and made my life better by being who i am while surrounded by others. ive lost that now and its been a while since i felt comfortable in my REAL HUMAN skin. ive been consumed by self hate and a desire to make myself believe im worthy by relying on other people. i know all the therapist things to say to all of this but its hard to believe in low moments where you need to do so the most. i just dont want to spectate my life anymore. i want to experience things and take ACTION and bring things into my life myself. sometimes this makes me feel pathetic because i am surrounded by people who command attention and dont need to build on their own, they have volunteers who want to help them and want to be in their life whatever that may mean. ive been working on releasing the shame and jealousy ive felt for my ENTIRE LIFE for these people because its not their fault and it is nobodys fault. with life so fragile they could slip and end everything they have. maybe what they have is only desirable to you and not to them and they wish they could have just a moment of calm. the grass always greener on the other side always makes sense but its so hard to make yourself believe it about things you think are fundamentally wrong with you. the thing that helped me is unironically social media because it is impossible that so many people, in fact, most people my age believe something wrong is within them. this makes no sense, if everyone is unlovable and off-putting and unattractive and yearns for love but never recieves it, nobody is alone. even if the people around me dont have these problems because i went to a school surrounded by well-off or otherwise eccentric people who, again, commanded attention. if i had ended up in a regular one im sure my perspective would be different. so FUCK IT. fuck the bars where its just men trying to fuck my friends fuck the clubs with awful music fuck desperation for alcohol to have a good time fuck cigarettes to calm down and regain balance fuck the sweet vape snack so you dont feel hungry fuck comparing yourself to pretty girls fuck comparing yourself to pretty boys fuck comparing yourself to ANYBODY fuck spectating fuck going quiet because youre sure theyre only talking so they can get to your friends. its time to stay inside. go outside alone. do shit for yourself NOT TO ALEVIATE FOMO IR ANXIETY but to better your life despite those things. okay yap over gafdammn.

[bucky-barnes-diaries]

NSFW Alphabet (N-Z)

Part 1 | Part 2

The Falcon and The Winter Soldier

Pairing: Sam Wilson x Female! Reader

Summary: A-Z of just smut (and some fluff).

Word Count: 1324

Warnings: NSFW, 18+, minors DNI, unprotected vaginal sex, oral (male/female receiving), masturbation (male/female), overstimulation, creampie, multiple orgasms, teasing, slight spanking, sex toys, cursing, language, mention of bodily fluids.

Authors Note: POSTING IN 2 PARTS! Because Tumblr won’t let you have more than 250 text blocks. Happy Birthday to Sam! I love how this turned out and I hope you all do too! Enjoy loves <3

Main Masterlist | Sam Wilson Masterlist

Sign up here to join my taglist! If you are going to join the taglist please show support in following my blog as well!

Credit @ chrishemsworht for the wonderful gif

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He would never ever do something that would hurt you in any way, shape, or form.

He had told you countless times that if there ever was something you weren’t comfortable with in bed or something was hurting that you speak immediately.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

That man could live between your thighs if he had the chance. At every opportunity, he would search for your core to nuzzle his face in it and bring you earth-shattering after earth-shattering orgasm with his master tongue.

Sam was close to bringing you to a third orgasm in some random room at the party the two of you were attending.

His mouth was sinful as he sucked on your raw and abused clit for how long you didn't know. You lost track of time how long you've been spread out for him on some random surface as he was on his knees. The short dress you were wearing made it easy for him to have access to all of you.

“I-I don't th-think I can d-do one mo-more baby.”

“Just one more. Just one more for me.”

“Shouldn't we go back to the party? People must wonder where we are.”

“I don't care. I don't like the food there. This here is much better. Now cum for me one last time.”

He wouldn’t say no to an offer from you in sucking him off. He just wishes sometimes you would have picked a more appropriate time to do so.

“Her? Now?” Sam questioned as you were on your knees trying to undo his pants. The two of you were at a party, and you had gotten the sudden urge to feel him on your tongue, so desperate to taste him.

You had pushed him into some random small broom closet. The crowns of people outside having no idea what was going on just a few meters from them.

“Yes now. Do you not want me to?” You asked innocently as you grabbed his dick through his underwear. “N-no, I want to. Please keep going… fuck.”

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

If he’s been angry and frustrated that day, it’ll be more rough than usual. You could feel him take that little bit of frustration out on your body as he fucked you hard and fast from behind.

Not that you mind. It was terrible to admit, but you loved those times when he got home from his day a little angrier. Your thighs clenching together in knowledge that he would handle you roughly in bed.

Your head was buzzing as Sam fucked you into oblivion from behind. He had gotten home frustrated and in desperate need to release some steam. Your hands were gripping the sheets tightly in your palms to keep you grounded from his abusive thrusts.

His palm continuously left harsh slaps on your ass cheeks as he fucked you deeply into the mattress.

It didn't take long for both of you to release. His hands held a tight grip on your hips as he fucked you just a tad longer after the orgasm.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

If there really isn’t time for foreplay and exploring each other, he has nothing against a quickie if one of you is in a rush.

“We don’t have time for this Y/N! We need to leave in 10 minutes.”

“10 minutes is more than enough, Sam! We just need to be very quick.”

The rush to get his pants down as well as your underwear under the dress down was immense as you only had a few minutes to bring each other pleasure before you had to leave for the fancy gala both of you were attending.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He’s up for exploring new possibilities in bed if that’s what you want.

New positions, maybe some toys that could be used to enhance both of your pleasures.

If you were game, he was as well.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

You have sex almost every day. That man can last as long as he wants and is good to go for 2-3 rounds. You don't understand how in the fuck he does it. It's like a secret superpower he has. He mainly uses it to his advantage when he wants to tease you to the fullest.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

There won’t be that many toys that are used. Sam always says that his mouth, hands, and dick are the only toys that are needed in the bedroom.

Once in a while, he will ask you to fuck yourself with the dildo in your drawer while he watches intensely.

“Please, Sam, can you just come and touch me?” The drive of the toy inside yourself was good, but it would never please you in the same way Sam did.

“No, no. I want to watch. You’ll get me later. Now show me what you do to yourself when I’m not at home.”

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

There is teasing to some degree, but he mostly wants to get right on.

But those few times he does actually want to tease you, he’ll take his sweet time in doing so, driving you absolutely insane with need.

“No… please,” the pathetic plea for him not to deny your orgasm again was bringing a smirk to his expression.

“Shhh… I’m not done with you yet,” he said as his fingers were inserted in you once again to build you up. Was he going to allow you to let go this time? That would be left to see when the time came.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He can be loud at times, but mostly he’ll just let out grunts and moans of your name on a repeated loop. It became more evident just as he’s about to finish inside of you.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Sam loves drawn-out foreplay when he has plenty of time to spare.

He takes good care in preparing you and making you cum at least once before he’s even put his dick in you.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Have you seen how he walks? He’s thick and long, and he knows how to make you absolutely crazy with it. The way he holds himself just screams big dick energy.

You’ve been together for years, but you still can’t get used to his length inside of you, and you doubt you ever will.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

He’s always ready if you are. He’s not joking when he says he wants you 24/7, 365 days.

Even when the two of you are tired but still horny for one another, you will find a way to pleasure each other.

The two of you were laying on your sides, Sam’s chest pressed tightly against your back as his dick was driving itself in and out of your tightness.

It was early in the morning. The two of you were as tired as could be but the need to feel each other was intense.

It wouldn’t be long until the two of you released all over each other. On the bright morning, none of you would be able to hold on for long.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He always takes care of you before his eyes close for sleep. Washing you, cuddling you, running a bath for the two of you to relax in.

He can’t sleep unless he knows you have been appropriately taken care of.

“Good night, sweet girl. I love you.”

Part 1 HERE

Credit @ firefly-graphics for the wonderful divider

Thank you for reading <3 Feedback through a comment is highly appreciated if you liked it! As well as a reblog to share it with others!

If you are going to join the taglist please show support in following my blog as well!

Marvel Taglist: @whothehellisbuckybarnes @phoenixhalliwell @x-goddess-of-nature-x @trulysuccubus @skyesthebomb @whoreforsamwilson @natashadeservedbetter @beth-winchester21 @mrs-salvawhore @soldierstucky @missswritings @sariche @claudiaatje @myakai13 @paintballkid711 @ttalisa @teti-menchon0604 @J-e-nster @-im-fantastic- @donut-crazs @tatestripedsweater @feetoffthetablee @uraesthete @mae-black @midnightdragonzero @julia2000love @yvngzxx @midnightzonzz @kaystacks17 @missroro @living-that-best-life @alwaysclassyeagle

Sam Wilson Taglist: @kenbechillin @selenasprompts

Let me know if you want to be added/removed!

If your name is in bold it means I can’t tag you for some reason. My apologies!

[dr-who-said-lgbtq-rights]

i, a fan of superwholock, dissect and give my opinion on the individual shows

idk i thought this would be fun and i currently have 4-5 hours to kill soooo

let’s start with

doctor who

(only new who. i have not seen the older stuff :( )

k. so. i have been a fan of this since i was pretty young. honestly i think i was a little too young to be watching it when my mom first showed me it but that’s beside the point. basically: i really like dr who

this is probably the best show out of superwholock, both in my opinion and in general. however... i am going to be nitpicky bc why not

1. the canon. 

(yes the example is abt a dr who episode)

in short, the canon is comprised of a) retcons and b) contradictions. im not an avid follower of canon with any media but good god nobody can keep up with dr who canon

(i am blaming moffat bc i hate him and i think a lot of it is his fault anyway)

2. representation

honestly, the representation isn’t bad. however, i would describe it less as “good” and more as “a good starting point.”

for example, there is quite a bit of queer rep, POC rep, and a lot of characters are women. however, while this is nice, the show could still use a lot more rep, and the rep it has currently should probably be improved upon (for example: jack harkness is NOT straight, but he falls under the “multi-spec person wants to screw everyone” stereotype (i have not seen torchwood so this may be amended in that i just needed an example off the top of my head)).

3. story

some people yearn for romance. i yearn for the days when the doc would take their companion to some party, flirt with a tree, the companion almost dies while britney spears is playing in the background, etc. etc.

basically, the story starts out nice. just a bunch of goofing off, maybe a “big deal” thing here and there. life was fun.

then, the story changes. (this happened specifically from eleven onward, so yeah you can bet your ass im blaming moffat ‘cuz it’s his fault) things gradually became less fun. conspiracies ran amok; just when you thought it was over, turns out there’s an even bigger part of this plan that what you just defeated. the doc actually started caring about the timeline (what happened to time being wibbly wobbly?) sure, there are still fun episodes where the doc and the companion(s) go out for funsies but it’s just not the same as it was. 

4. morals

morals are good. basically:

you can have a dark past but still have a bright future, and

be kind

bonus 5. cowardice

at least one of the doctors played by one of the male actors should have worn a dress. there were plenty of opportunities but noooooo there’s a gender binary or something (like,,, they’re an alien????? if gender on gallifrey is the same as gender on earth i am going to fly to britain and drop kick some writers)

OVERALL

needs work, but p good and enjoyable.

~~~

now it’s time for 

sherlock

just. um. ohhh boy. basically

but i am going to do my best

1. representation

eugh. representation was baaaad in this. like, i think the only POC in the entire show that had any significance were the Chinese gang members and that is like,,, incredibly poor rep. i think the innkeepers in thob were gay but that’s as far as queer rep goes. there were a few women, i would die for all of them, we need more women. also the “im a high functioning sociopath” line makes me cringe everytime

basically this show had shit representation

2. john

okee he’s a great character right??? the common sense of the operation right??? wrong

he cheated on mary??? and we don’t address it like,,, at all??? it made me so fucking mad. 

(again fuck you moffat and gatiss probably had something to do with it too so im mad at him as well)

3. sherlock

classic “let’s make him a bitch” mistake. needs the stick surgically removed from his ass

4. story

story’s actually not that bad. it’s not like, great or anything but i enjoy it

bonus 5. ending

i just want to address it. i think the ending was p good and yall tjlc-ers are just upset that they didn’t bang or anything. they’re literally living in the same [two-room] flat??? and they’re raising rosie???? TOGETHER???? like what more do you want

anyway sherlock’s ace soooo

OVERALL

eh. needs LOTS of work. i love mrs hudson tho, she’s beautiful

~~~

and finally

supernatural

ohohoh. boooyyyy.

(plz forgive me this is so shitty but i threw it together in like,,, a minute)

1. story

aight so the first five seasons? p good. not much to say there

the other ten? the skill level of the writing went wayyyyyy down but i still enjoyed it

2. representation

this show is notorious for bad rep and for good reason. kevin, our beloved prophet and the only recurring asian-american character? dead. charlie, so nerdy and fun and also a lesbian? dead. castiel, the angel who was totally gay? dead. basically: if you find yourself in spn and you are not a straight white man, etc etc, you are going to a) die or b) die but in a worse way

3. mythology/treatment of religions

okay so. a while back i had a wicca/witchcraft hyperfixation which was closely followed by a general pagan religions hyperfixation, so i know some stuff here and there abt religions.

and good golly does this show make me MAD

why is christianity the central and most powerful religion? (i know why, it’s a rhetorical question) why do you demonize the other religions?? (again it’s rhetorical)

one thing that really annoys me is when they say something is a “pagan god.” like,,, do you know how many gods that contains??? if you didn’t know, a religion is considered pagan if it isn’t under the abrahamic religions umbrella. what are the abrahamic religions, you ask? well, they are christianity, judaism, and islam. literally every other religion ever is a pagan religion. so, when they say “it’s a pagan god,” i cry.

back to demonizing... they literally made a greek muse eat someone. my greek mythology phase ended a long time ago and i didn’t really get into the muses but i am p sure they didn’t eat people. also the fact that it makes hoodoo look dark and stuff when it’s actually more abt peace and healing... i bet ten dollars it’s because hoodoo was created by enslaved african americans

there are so many examples of this show disrespecting religions... i just can’t

4. general notes

(for you himym fans: *saluting* general notes) (sorry i couldn’t resist)

-the filler episodes/episodes where random shit happened were the best

-the finale memes are *chef’s kiss*

-god there’s so much abt this show that i can’t even choose bc my brain is overloading

-am i glad amara wasn’t ganked at the end of s11? yes. am i happy about the dean/amara kiss? gods no

-john winchester 🤝 steven moffat: getting a spot on my “fuck you” list

OVERALL

there is just. so much improvement needed. however if there is an absolute shit show with likeable characters i tend to gravitate to it

~~~

and for funsies let’s talk abt superwholock as a whole

-honestly im a sucker for crossover fandoms. if you scroll far enough on my blog you may find my rotbtd fanart. 

-it’s honestly just a fun idea

-there’s a lot of ways you could make it happen and all of them are fun

-great opportunities for rarepairs so rare no crackshipper has thought of it

~~~

aight that’s it. thank you for reading! if you have any questions abt my opinions abt other aspects of the shows just ask, i like talking abt this

[poptartmochi]

thank you for the tag, @skogenflicka!! ily and hope you’re doing okay! ^^/

1. What do you prefer to be called name-wise?

sarah, but sriracha is also fine!!

2. When is your birthday?

july 6th!

3. Where do you live?

flo rida_good feeling.mp4

4. Three things you are doing right now?

listening to true damage, opening up the file of the Giant Final, and going through my survey results!

5. Four fandoms that have piqued your interest

haha i’ve been in dragon age hell for almost a year now so i haven’t cared about much else ngl... ben and i played through yakuza 0 + kiwami 1 last month and they were really good! once i get more money, we’re gonna go through the rest of the series :) besides that, i’ve been eyeing ducktales + rottmnt for the longest time, and I think I’ll get into them once the semester is over! (G)I-DLE has been creeping into my recommended bc I’ve been listening to a lot of K/DA lately, too haha

6. How has the pandemic been treating you?

things could definitely be a Lot Worse, but things have been really terrible mentally. i think this year has been the worst one i’ve ever lived tbh

7. A song you can’t stop listening to right now?

hmm.... probably Drum Go Dum from K/DA!

8. Recommend a movie

love yourself + watch the first Mortal Kombat movie from the 90′s :’) do not watch the second one, do not pass go and collect $200

9. How old are you?

20!

10. School, university, occupation, other?

uni- i’m just about to finish up my associate’s degree! im hoping we can stomp out coronavirus soon so I can go look for a job, but until things calm down it’s really out of the question rn bc my mom is older + has issues And goes to take care of my grandma every other day..

11. Do you prefer heat or cold?

cold! my skin goes crazy goes stupid when its warm so. :’)

12. Name one fact others may not know about you.

hm....i have a whopping $12 to my name right now ;u;

13. Are you shy?

kind of? online, i definitely think so, bc it’s hard to just come into other people’s curated spaces and start vibing with them without feeling like a Bother. it’s easier to go up to people in real life ^^

14. Preferred pronouns?

she/her!

15. Biggest pet peeves?

ohhhhmyGOD.. i don’t think many people can relate to this but god fuck. one of the worst parts of having eczema, beyond. the Eczema Experience. is when you put lotion on your neck w/o showering or Prepping beforehand and have to deal with the subsequent breakout that will inevitably happen ughhhh. i would give literally anything to not have eczema lmao ; _ ;

16. What is your favourite “-dere” type?

in the year of our lord 2020??? apolutely not luv xoxoxo

17. Rate your life from 1-10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be.

i think like.. maybe a 7? i have it a lot better than others but ofc there’s been some really shitty parts and the mental illness definitely hasn’t helped in that regard lol

18. What’s your main blog?

this one!

19. List your side blogs and what they’re used for.

ohhh god.. callout post for one (1) sarah, i have so many ;___; i actually need to delete a few old ones that haven’t been used in Years, so i’ll only list the ones that’ll survive the purge. i also have a jjba sideblog but I’m not comfortable w/ everyone on main knowing what it is so. it shall go unnamed :’) most of my sideblogs are for fandoms i’m in, bc I get all weird about rb’ing content from them to my main blog since nobody followed my main blog for that yk? but then it creates a spooky loop where people from the sideblogs follow my main and are like.....this is Not the same person from the sideblog shghasjgkja

@arainayeet - dragon age

@nisiki-nishiki - yakuza/like a dragon

@leucinefinds - sims cc >w<

@leuciini - old aes blog

@tempest-rhapsody - the Yearning, luvs

20. Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends?

i am SO bad about messaging first and taking up people’s time. this has led to the silent death of many friendships ;__;

tagging: @darthyolk @fullmetal-the-last-alchemist @gamer-grandma @mrscitty @lotuscoves @trans-fushiguro (if you want to!! ^^)

[realitv]

Get to know the blogger!

Tagged by miss @lapeirla​ thank you honeycake  I’m tagging IF I HAVE ONLY SPOKEN TO YOU ONCE CONSIDER THIS BEING TAGGED.

FIRST NAME REDACTED. call me claire. 

STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF when eating pizza, i have to systematically take off every topping one at a time, by topping, eat each topping, eat the cheese, eat the sauce, and only then can i consume the bread. yes, i know it’s weird. yes, i eat pies and cakes in the same manner. yes, i’ve always done it thusly despite my family trying to teach me how to eat those things ‘properly’.

TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON kind eyes, warm smiles, well-fitted clothes. 

A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF eggs benedict. so many variations and combinations! i loooove runny poached eggs and hollandaise sauce. i love love love eggs benedict florentine. the spinach just hits different. i love love loooove to go out and eat them. with friends. honourable mentions go to braised red cabbage, soft pretzels, and caramel apples. 

A FOOD YOU HATE i haven’t come across any food i haven’t liked as an adult yet and i always try to eat things once. 

GUILTY PLEASURE kraft fucking dinner. 

WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN pjs. occasionally 50 different sweaters if i’m cold. 

SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS serious relationships only if you can’t court me like it’s 1823 and you’re yearning for a glimpse of the curve of my wrist i don’t fucking want you. 

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE my friends keep sending me the ‘aren’t you tired of being nice meme’ and yes bitch i am a lot of things in my life could have been avoided if i’d just put my foot down and.... not been a doormat for more than 4 seconds. still working on these things, yes. but such is life. i wish i’d been a little more social in high school but so far college is working well for me lol. i wish i could take more chances. try to take more chances. 

ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON i am! verbally i can be more prone to insulting my friends (with the occasional Super Serious Soft Bit) but i’m more prone to hugs or words of encouragement, endearments, and i looooove to play with my friends’ hair and hold their hands. my friend surprised us last year by coming home from germany for her birthday and i cried when she video called me from our friend’s flat lol. 

A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN oh... hm. i don’t consider it a film but i could watch the new york opera company’s production of the merry widow for ever and ever and ever. 

FAVORITE BOOK deathless. i’m sorry i’m a deathless stan.

YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE i grew up with german shepherds and miniature schnauzers, so i’d love to have some of my own one day. 

TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL] elizabeth/mr darcy, jim/pam, reid/prentiss, belle/adam, rick/michonne. 

PIE OR CAKE pie. all types of pie. pie pie pie pie pie pie. always pie. so many times of pie. i love fruits. 

FAVORITE SCENT lilacs! 

CELEBRITY CRUSH .....gillian anderson. 

IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO i’m supposed to be visiting my aunts and uncles in germany next year so we’ll see how that goes lol. i want to go back to florence. 

INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT introverted extrovert. 

DO YOU SCARE EASILY yeah im a weenie. 

IPHONE OR ANDROID i got converted to iphone sorry lads. 

DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES yes! the fuck hell fuck that is bioshock infinite was my first. i like the bioshock series in general, LOVE THE SIMS, the first 4 assassin’s creed games, and da:i. 

DREAM JOB honestly idk but i would like to work in broadcasting graphics. 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS buy a flat in toronto and give gifts of money to my friends. 

FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE serena fucking joy fucking waterford. but i also love her but make no mistake if i saw her irl i’d snap her like a twig. 

FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER technically im still part of the bioshock fandom but im old and only write my muse on discord now. god.... that fandom was Hell. 

[turtle-steverogers]

WTF is Cats About?

ralbert and cats the musical :)

warnings: none, cept cats the musical (if ur a cats stan, i swear im not making fun of it,,,,just,,,,,cats)

ship: ralbert

word count: 1577

editing: no lmao...CATS

-

Albert likes to think he’s gotten used to all of Race’s funny quirks and little habits.  He’d long since given up on getting him to stop biting his nails and the whole twirling his hair while he relaxes thing is pretty endearing.  But there are some things that still surprise him.  

Like his utterly amazing habit of withholding big life changes until they’re glaringly important and then announcing them as if he’s commenting on the weather.

Which is why Albert basically spits his tea all over his laptop one morning when Race announces he’s been cast in the fucking Broadway revival of Cats.

Fucking Cats.

Albert doesn’t even know what Cats is about.  Not that he’s ever really had the desire to know.  The whole show is a little too...furry for him.

It had been a mild Sunday morning up until then.  The sky was clear and blue and the sun rays hit just right on their bed, waking them up, but not disturbing them.  They’d lounged around for a few hours, switching between lazy morning cuddles and tiredly making out.  Life since moving to the City together had been exhilarating.  The freedom they’d once yearned for so heavily was finally at their fingertips, lending them the time to focus on their dreams and basking in the post college glow of their early adulthood.

Race worked at the local pizza joint when he wasn’t auditioning for whatever he could find casting calls for (which apparently included fucking Cats the fucking musical).  It was a good gig for him; it kept him busy and entertained.  Something Albert struggled to do single-handedly.

Albert on the other hand worked at a dingy mechanics shop a few blocks away, fixing up old cars on the side while working his way through the prestigious culinary grad program he’d somehow managed to get into.  All in all, they were doing well for themselves as 24 year olds living alone in New York City.

Somehow, they’d managed to drag themselves out of bed and into the kitchen, where Albert fixed them a modest breakfast of omelettes before docking at the counter to sort through some emails.  

Race was sitting next to him, absentmindedly petting Chips, their orange tabby, when he states, “I got cast in the Broadway revival of Cats.”

Albert pauses mid-type, glancing up at his boyfriend, who’s still intently looking at Chips, running his hand down the length of his back, “You what!?”

Race takes a deep breath, then repeats, “I got cast in the Broadway revival of Cats.”

Albert’s been rendered speechless by Race plenty of times in his 6+ years of knowing him.  But he’s never felt quite as...dumbfounded before.

“You got cast...in Cats?” He asks slowly, before shaking his head and backing up, “Wait, no, hang on, hang on...you auditioned for fucking Cats?”

Race ducks his head, a blush forming under his collar and around his ears, “Uh, yeah, I meant to mention it...but it never came up?”

Albert blinks again, “Who- what- what even is Cats?”

Race goes to answer, then closes his mouth hastily, “I don’t...actually really know…”

“How don’t you know?  You’re in the damn show!”

“I was only just cast!  I don’t know it that well yet!”

Albert makes a choked noise, “Okay, but you should at least know what the fuck the show is about if you went through a damn audition process- wait, when was this even happening? What- I’m so confused right now...my fucking boyfriend got cast in a Broadway musical- FUCKING CATS- and I didn’t even know he was auditioning.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you!” Race says, looking alarmed at Albert’s impending Cats- induced mental breakdown.  Chips gives an annoyed meow at the lack of attention being bestowed onto her and leaps off the counter, trotting away to find Queso, their golden doodle.

“I mean, you’re not entitled to tell me everything about your life, just...wow, I mean, this is big,” Albert scrubs a hand down his face, “I didn’t do anything to make you feel like you couldn’t share this with me, did I?”

Race’s face softens, “No, of course not, Albie,” he sighs, reaching across the table and linking their hands together, “I just got caught up in everything...sometimes things just feel so busy and overwhelming and I like to process it alone before letting other people in on it.”

Albert squeezes his hand, “That’s understandable,” he smiles, bending down to kiss his knuckles, “And congrats! I’m so proud of you! I mean, fucking Broadway...my boyfriend’s gonna be on Broadway.”

Race beams, “Thanks.”

“We have to celebrate,” Albert concludes, “I’m calling Spot and the others.  You better not have work tonight, ‘cause we’re going out for drinks.”

Race shakes his head, bemused, as Albert pulls out his phone to text their group chat.  

“Fucking Cats…” Albert murmurs as he sends the text, “Fuckin’....Cats.”

XXX

“Can you say that your bite is worse than your bark?  Are you cock of the walk when you’re walking alone?  Because jellicles are and jellicles do, jellicles do and jellicles would, jellicles would and…”

Albert freezes in the doorway to their apartment, slowly closing the door behind him as he strains his ears.  He follows the sound of the weirdly tempoed music to the kitchen, where Race is bopping around by the microwave, reheating last night’s dinner of chicken curry.

“Hey,” Albert calls, setting the groceries on the counter.

Race glances over, flashing Albert a smile and turning down the music a few notches.

“Hey, yourself,” he says, pulling his bowl out of the microwave and stirring it a bit with a fork to cool it down.

Albert crosses to him, pecking him on the lips quickly and grabbing a glass for water.

“Jellicles can and jellicles do, jellicles can and jellicles do…”

Albert wrinkles his nose, “the fuck even is a jellicle?”

Race shrugs, shoveling a forkful of curry into his mouth, “Dunno, some type of cat?  Google it.”

Albert hums, “So this is Cats then?  Interesting music.”

“I know, it’s kinda weird,” Race says, perching at the counter, “But it grows on you.  Rehearsal started today, so…”

“Yeah, you mentioned that,” Albert places his glass in the sink and leans against the counter, “How’d it go?”

“Pretty well, I made a few friends,” Race says, “Jojo’s in it.”

Albert smiles, “No kidding! That’s crazy.”

“Right?  I didn’t even know he was auditioning!”

“Seems to be the trend with this show.”

“I get it, I get it,” Race rolls his eyes, looking a little guilty.

“Jellicle songs for jellicle cats, jellicle songs for jellicle cats, jellicle songs for jellicle…”

“If they say ‘jellicle’ one more time I’m going to shoot myself,” Albert growls.

Race whips his head up, eyes slightly wide, “Oh, honey, you are not going to make it through this one…”

“Fantastic.”

XXX

“Hey, Race, have you seen my- WHAT THE FUCK!”

Race turns away from the bathroom mirror, fixing Albert with an innocent look.

“Have I seen your what?” He asks.

“No,” Albert says, pointing a finger, “First answer what the FUCK happened to your face.”

Race turns back to the mirror, dabbing some more orange cream foundation around his eyes.  Disturbingly, Albert notes that his makeup design looks very similar to Chips.

“Gotta do our own makeup for the show,” Race answers, padding a generous amount of setting powder around his face, “I’m practising.”

“Right…” Albert rakes his eyes over Race’s features.  So far, the makeup only spans on his face and down his neck a little, “What else does your costume entail exactly?”

Race grins wickedly and Albert swallows.  

“Oh, you’ll see.”

XXX

“Do you like my tail?”

Albert slowly closes his book, praying for strength as he looks up.  Race is standing by the doorway, rehearsal bag dropped at his feet.  His face is smudged- like he tried and failed to clean off all the layers of his meticulous cat makeup.  He’s dressed normally in adidas workout pants and a random t-shirt from a color run they did years back.  Protruding (Albert doesn’t wanna know how, but alas) from his backside is an orange tabby cat tail.

“Did you choose to be the same kind of cat as Chips?  Or was it some sort of creepy coincidence,” Albert deadpans, refusing to look at the tail longer than he has to and keeping his eyes fixed on Race’s face.

Race’s smile drops a fraction of an inch, “Wait, it’s weird that I chose to be her breed?”

Albert groans and picks back up his book.

XXX

“Congratulations!” 

Albert is met with a faceful of Race’s blond curls as the cast comes swarming out of the stagedoor.  He smells like makeup remover and sweat, but Albert doesn’t care as he kisses him, pride swelling in his chest.  

He doesn’t think he’ll ever get over the exhilarating feeling of seeing Race shine onstage.

“Thanks!” Race looks high on adrenaline and Albert never wants that light to leave his eyes, “What did you think?”

“You were so good!  Everyone was!  And the music was all better than I first thought it would be,” Albert said, playfully swaying them back and forth where they stood, keeping his arms wrapped tightly around Race, “Just one question.”

Race cocks his head, “what’s up?”

“What the fuck is Cats about?”

Race tips his head back and laughs, “I still have no fucking clue.”

-

the word ‘cats’ doesn’t even sound real anymore and i think that’s fitting

thanks for reading, chiefs

hmu to be added to my tag

TAG LIST: @getchapapes @we-dont-sell-papes @suddenly-im-respecsable 

@aw-jus-let-em-try @well-the-kids-do-too @spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn @felix-loves-albert-and-ralbert @technically-whizzy

@andthewoildwillknow @the-newsies-justice-for-zas-blog @localfakeitalian @have-we-got-news-for-you @musical-shitposts @thebroadwayaesthetic

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[noahstm]

( maxence danet fauvel. twenty-three. cis male. three siblings. ) - have you seen NOAH GOTHEL walking around auradon university ? i hear a lot of people talking about how the JUNIOR is taking ECOLOGY which makes sense because of how + OUTGOING they are. they come across very - NAIVE too , which makes sense as the ADOPTED SECOND child of MOTHER GOTHEL. when i see them , i think of RIPS SEWN NEATLY SHUT, BIRDS FLYING AWAY IN THE DISTANCE, THE WARMTH OF FRESHLY BAKED BREAD, CONSTANT TERROR THAT YOU’RE UNRAVELLING , and the most interesting thing about them is [ REDACTED ] , but you didn’t hear that from me.

heyo, its rose, and here’s muse number TWO. this intro is gonna be more In Depth bc i have absolutely Nothing on his blog rn. that’s also because… Well. i’d like to plot a whole lot with noah first bc just based around his character he is going to be extremely influenced by the people around him. you’ll see what i mean when i Go In. 

basics.

name. noah gothel  age. 23  dob. september 3, 1997  pob. the isle  gender + pronouns. cis male + he/him  sexuality. bi bi bi (all my muses are bi unless i say otherwise)  height. six foot two.  weight. 160lbs. (he’s just like a tall, skinny tree).  distinguishing features. height, messy hair, sweet smile, raccoon eyes, 

background.

SO. noah was born on the isle to some lower level grunts and was sold to a thief’s ring for fifty dollars when he was six. hold on there’s a lot more trauma to go. 

besides being fucking six, he was the worst thief the guild had ever had, and they were thisclose to getting rid of him when mother gothel found him and offered to take him off their hands. she’s told noah again and again this was out of the goodness of her heart, but it… really wasn’t. 

she basically saw this little sad sweet boy and thought “sweet!!!!! free child labor!!!!!!” 

ever since he moved in, mother gothel had him doing chores. and noah did this happily, because after being abandoned once and told he was useless every day by the guild, he was happy to be helpful. plus, as gothel was so eager to remind him, he should be grateful for all she’d done for him. and he was, he really was. 

noah never really properly enrolled in school. sure, when he could, he loved to read his siblings’ books or anything else he could find, but gothel told noah she needed him at home. he cooked, he cleaned, he did errands, he did essentially everything gothel asked of him. 

the world outside of their home was, indeed, dangerous, as gothel loved to remind him. besides doing errands once a week, noah really never left the house.

and then (and this is a massive wc) noah saw Them. probably while running errands one day, but noah saw a kid his age, the most beautiful person he’d ever seen, and convinced himself that that was his true love. he mentioned it to his mother once, and she completely shut it down, so he didn’t mention it again. but still, he Yearned. 

in fact it’s very likely he never really spoke to them at all sigh. but he was still convinced that they were his one true love. he probably left them like, little flowers and stuff, whatever he could find. real secret admirer type shit. 

and then, when he heard his One True Love would be leaving for aurau, he was torn. because he didn’t want to leave his mother and the world he knew, but also… he hadn’t yet told his one true love how he felt. so, he applied without telling his mother. also like, now that he had a chance to leave the isle, part of him really wanted to take it. 

he tried to sneak out without her noticing, but it didn’t work. won’t get into specifics, but ofc gothel was upset and tried to manipulate and gaslight the shit out of him and then noah pushed her, forgetting his own strength, and she fell to the floor and he ran away and he still thinks about that every night because he feels awful. 

and then, of course, he gets to auradon and his One True Love, who is almost definitely and rightly creeped the fuck out that this guy they barely know followed them all the way here, and he realizes he’s fucked up. they don’t want him, and he sees himself as they see him and it hurts. he’s scared them. he’s somehow become a monster. 

but he didn’t leave, because… because he knew if he returned to the isle, he’d never be able to leave the house again. 

plus, he… he kind of likes auradon. there’s fresh fruit and beautiful parks, stores where they sell fresh flowers and warm bread. and school is hard, it’s insanely hard, but he likes it, anyways. he probably has a tutor (another wc) who helps him through it. 

tbh tho he’s probably like. just started leaving campus. he has highkey agoraphobia and if he ever thinks he’s gotten lost he has a panic attack. 

that’s another reason he hasn’t really left campus the past couple years; his mental health is in the garbage. he did start seeing a therapist first year, but he’s so eager to please that he was basically lying to them nonstop until recently. 

he also has crazy insomnia, is known to take naps at random spots around campus to make up for his lack of sleep; has psychosomatic headaches and stomachaches; doesn’t like to express emotions besides happiness period; has regular panic attacks; has a favorite bathroom stall to cry in. he’s goin through it constantly and thinks about going back to the isle every day. 

BUT he’s finally putting himself out there, actively trying to meet people and make friends. we love growth. 

also he found a cat that he named polkadot and he doesn’t want to abandon him

besides all of that, a lot of him and his past is really down to the plotting bc like…. he really is a chronic people pleaser, not to mention extremely naive and gullible. so how people have interacted with him is really going to affect how he turns out. how someone as sweet as him managed to survive the isle should be a mystery, but it isn’t; he survived because he was put through his own hell to keep him that way. 

wanted connections. 

“””””one true love”””””” just pls. pls. any gender at all they just gotta be a vk around his age. 

manipulator. someone play this fool like a fucking violin, if you even have the gall to lie to his puppy dog eyes. 

tutor. pls…… he needs……. all the help he can get……. 

protector. someone who looks at this gullible sweetheart and like. just wants what’s best for him at all costs. 

bad influence. now that he’s finally trying to have a social life there’s gotta be SOMEONE who wants to bring him to the dark side 

im so fucking open with noah give me everything literally everything he needs friends

[emcads]

Get to know the blogger!

Tagged by: no one  I’m tagging: yes 

FIRST NAME aleah ! 

STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF i walk on my toes when I’m nervous or in an unfamiliar situation. even when/especially if i’m wearing heels, the extra noise makes me more nervous lmao. 

TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON style ( particularly vintage style ngl ), nice brows, and red lips ?? women are beautiful always but wearing red lipstick i’m knocked the fuck out 

A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF the on-campus cafés would sometimes have a cappuccino muffin and it was so good i literally miss them so much. the coffee flavor wasn’t overwhelming and it had powdered sugar on top and ... yes. 

A FOOD YOU HATE cooked carrots. raw carrots are fine but cooked carrots are nasty. 

GUILTY PLEASURE i love reading threads about all the weird shit the kardashians do. i feel like a game of thrones peasant watching the nobles just act like absolute buffoons with money they don’t know what to do with.  

WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN like a tee and joggers / shorts. sometimes if i really want to channel my vintage aura I have a long pink chiffon bed jacket and matching nightgown that I’ll wear but only on special occasions. 

SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS neither i’m a lesbian so i just yearn and never actually make a move. am I flirting? even I don’t know. 

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE in 5th/6th grade I went through a phase where I convinced myself to be obsessed with boybands to fit in with my friendgroup at the time and to prove to myself I was straight. I said I would marry liam because he once tweeted that he liked pirates of the caribbean. ( admittedly, my standards were on track ) so yeah. just not do that. because i wasted so much of my time. 

ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON sort of? I don’t do well with out loud communication or touching, I’m much more able to express myself either through written form or sending gifts that remind me of the person / memes / etc etc. I feel like I can come off sort of cold in person but it’s just bc i’m literally So awkward. yes i am aware this makes me sound like mr. darcy. yes ladies feel free to send me a romantic letter. 

A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN saving mr banks. over and over and over again. i owe pam everything. 

FAVORITE BOOK it changes. i always come back to the price of freedom bc it’s my comfort book, but I also really like The Playmaker rn, and The Republic of Pirates is my fave non-fiction book ever. 

YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE a turtle. i wanted one so bad this semester !!!! 

TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL] well obviously james/esme. steve/peggy. esme /elizabeth. peggy/angie. héloïse/marianne.

PIE OR CAKE i’m gonna say cake bc cheesecake but not really a fan of regular cake texture. 

FAVORITE SCENT rose. 

CELEBRITY CRUSH adèle haenel my god 

IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO i’m yearning to visit disneyland paris.  

INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT introvert.

DO YOU SCARE EASILY oh totally 

IPHONE OR ANDROID iphone. i’m all about those aesthetics babey 

DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES yeah ! not as much since college but I love aciv for obvious reasons. i also regularly play the legend of pirates online which is the rebooted disney mmorpg. ( again, obvious ) i want to play sims again so bad but im not letting myself because i know that’s a slippery slope. 

DREAM JOB imagineer ! i know every disney person says that but like literally... my dream environment. your job is to be eccentric and awesome and have attention to detail and story and the overall goal is to make people happy and transport them to a better, safer world. ( also, depending on who’s head of the company, to make disney the monies but lbr the projects are never good when the goal is to make/save money @ dca ) i just think i would thrive there and i’m getting emotional just thinking about it so moving on 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS probably buy a house in france. give a bunch to make a wish. build a theatre in my hometown. 

FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE literally everyone in smash season 2 but especially jimmy 

FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER i guess the got/asoiaf fandom ? i still like it but i don’t really Go There anymore 

[xo-dailypier-blog]

this is not a recap;

     hey cumguzzlers,

It has come to my attention that Lady X took it upon herself to rate the nether regions of the men of Santa Monica. Unfortunately her assessment was BIASED and hardly based on facts. So as a JOURNALIST, I have taken it upon myself to get to the TRUTH. Today will be a Top 9 list of the men in this town, and their BEDROOM PERFORMANCES.

I’m not revealing actual sizes, because I firmly believe that it’s all about the motion of the ocean. And if you think I’m giving a run down on every SCRUB in this town, you’re out of your mind! I WISH I could have made this a Top 10 but most of the guys on Lady X’s assessment, have already been exposed in the fuck hut tapes during Summer Crush, and honestly? Don’t even make the cut for the top 5. Like, we KNOW the #DemonDick is low-key worth the hype (BUT YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM IT BECAUSE HELLO? IT RUINED TWO RELATIONSHIPS IN LIKE THE SPAN OF A DAY! AND IM SURE THE BUCK DOESNT STOP THERE!), and we GET IT, Adam has a massive ROD, and I’m sure (Power Top) Asher, his brother, isn’t that far off. Vic IS well endowed AND can make things EROTIC. And we all know about Jack, who is also well endowed but has, like, erectile dysfunction or whatever. Oh, and don’t forget Daddy Sorrentino is obvs a beast in the sheets, but I’ve been telling you guys that since, like, ever. And I’m honestly on a Jamie/Cunty Sabbatical atm, they’re going through a difficult time after Cunty cheated, so who really needs their dick-info broadcasted on top of all that, ya know? (Cunty deff comes in at an alleged 9 inches, which is bigger than Jamie, BUT he (Cunty) never uses his junk on Jamie because, like Asher, Jamie is a Power Top. (but you didn’t hear this from me). Look, if any guy is left off the list that you have interest in, like, just ask Phobe. I’m sure she’ll know.

But before we get started, Congratulations are in order! You guys voted on Hottie of the Moment, and we have a winner!

It’s none other than Miss Fraudi Zirconium herself (@heidistarks​) The queen of bargains has stormed onto the scene in her Wild Fable Couture and has CAPTIVATED the hearts of all Santa Monicans. In honor of her win, I am giving everyone a $25 gift card to Claire’s! If you go to their website and use offer code SharkThot, you too, can get the Heidi Look. When asked about her recent accomplishment she had this to say:

"It's about fucking time." - Fraudi Zirconium Stark, 2019

Congratulations, again Fraudi! You go girl, work that Forever 21 tracksuit, bitch!

NINE - ALEC CLARKE @alecxclarke​

One of the wangs in question that Lady X TOUCHED ON was Alec Clarke. She mentioned that Alec was more than likely LACKING in the his SOUTHERN MEAT DEPARTMENT. So obvs i had a BONE to pick with this assessment because Alec’s fan base is GETTING UP there with Jamie Carter’s so we have to know what he got in them jeans. Sadly ... while his junk is fine. His way around the bedroom is is abysmal, I honestly thought it was a PHALL-ACY but one girl who is one of his past flings, wrote to me after seeing Lady X’s post. She has asked to remain anonymous...

Hey DP (and Lady X),

I saw your post about Alec and you’re wrong about his size. He’s actually pretty girthy and lengthy or whatever. But he is honestly one of my worst encounters. We met on a dating app, that shall remain nameless. So fast forward to sexy time, and once we started making out it was a tragedy! No tongue, no passion. It was like kissing a mcfucking corpse! His lips were like, so dry, but, whatever, that’s not the problem. Once I started giving him a blow jay he just randomly burst into tears, and said he couldn’t do it anymore, and asked if I wanted to play fucking Yahtzee. I left and bought Listerine. I think you should look into if he is like this with all the girls, instead of his size. Bc that’s the real tea. Anyways, Love the Blog! Kisses!

Its always such a disappointment when this happens. OBVIOUSLY our HoneyBun Alec has some issues to work on. I know he has a Crazy life but I didn’t think things were this HARD for him.

Overall Rating: N/A

Favorite Position: Again, N/A. I could hardly find girls who’ve had sex with him ................. INCHresting. (Ok, that was the last one).

Downside: I mean, Hello? He breaks out in tears mid-coitus! He IS the downside!

Alec! Write into us with your side of the story! I prom (half a promise) that I won’t believe the rumors. Love ya, Honey Bun!

EIGHT - SKYLER DAVIS @skylerxdavis​

No idea where Lady X got the idea that he had the biggest LOVE MISSLE in town, but it is absolutely FALSE. And in fact, what I’ve heard about his performance in the bedzzzZzZzZzzzzzzzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZzZzZzzzz ZzzzzZzzzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZz

Overall Rating: zzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZz

Favorite Position: zzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZzzzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZz

Downside: zzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZzzzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZz zzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZzzzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZz zzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZzzzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZz zzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZzzzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZz zzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZzzzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZz

Alleged Body Count: zzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZz

SEVEN - NOAH SINCLAIR @nhsinclair​

So next on the list is Noah Sinclair. This one will be brief, because it really threw me for a loop. So I’m sorry to report, that Noah has a Chode. I know. I’m actually crying while typing this but this is only the word on the street, so take it with a grain of salt.

“Darla” (fake name) wrote in to my blog to refute Lady X’s claims. She writes:

I’ve had half way sex with Noah one time and when he dropped his pants I literally laughed. Not to body shame or whatever, but I, like, couldn’t have sex with him because the condom didn’t fit. Sorry, didn’t have a Trojan Jr readily available? He’s good with his hands though.

So Noah has made the list in a sad and unfortunate entry. So ladies if you want Noah to DIP his NUGGET in YOUR sauce, you better make your move!

Maybe this is why he got that divorce. Ugh, poor Natasha. Let’s hope this is all a rumor, I would hate for it to be true.

Overall Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️ (The hand thing is kind of important).

Favorite Position: Noah’s Nugget Number (No clue what this means, ask Diana or Natasha).

Downside: There is no downside if you, like myself, are privy to a good Nugget or two. #RanchPlease

MOVING ON!

SIX - LOGAN LANCASTER @loganlancaster​

Our next entry is none other than Long Dick Logan Lancaster. According to Lady X, Logan is average. Well I’m here to let you know that, thankfully, LDL lives up to his name (no nuggets here!). But you guys would have to get with him to truly find out how #blessed he is.

Overall Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Favorite Position: Alligator Fuckhouse, according to sources. (DON’T Google it, live in ignorance).

Downside: The only reason, ya boi has gotten 4 stars instead of 5 is because of the rumors surrounding his hygiene. As we know, there’s been a debate on the internet about washing your legs. And Logan, an able bodied man, doesn’t do that. Nor does he take showers the way that he should. Many girls who’ve been with him have complained of smelling the stinch of onions and mildew while ENGAGING with him. Others have complained of a SALTY taste while going down on him. Most of the girls he’s BANGED have all been in the junkyard of his Auto Shop or whatever so maybe it’s a fetish for them? That’s no excuse for bringing that nasty ass behavior to every other girl in Santa Monica.

Thankfully a bunch of you have been sending body wash to his shop, so maybe we can LanCAST the mustiness away (If this is true).

Logan, please write in, I need to know the truth. But other than that, the dick is BOMB! But make sure you don’t over-do it on B.J. part though, sodium intake is v important and you wouldn’t want to get hypertension suckling on his salty ass COCK.

FIVE - EMRE YOGIOH @emre--yavuz

Ok, so next on the list is Emre Yugoslavia (or whatever his name is). Ok so ... buckle in ladies.

Overall Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Favorite Position: The Lion King (I’m serious, don’t Google these things).

Downside: Ok, so Emre is supposedly into bondage. Which totally makes sense since he’s like, repressed from childhood. The whole missing sister thing really took a toll on his psych, since he’s parents totes forgot about him. Now he YEARNS for control. So the word is that he’s basically Christian Grey but not a literal abuser. He’s into bondage, slapping, SPITTING, choking, flogging, and whips and chains EXCITE HIM. An S&M Daddy! Now the only reason this is in the Downside section is because it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Some girls find it disturbing, and others are totes into it. I’m the latter! Sign me the FUCK up! Choke me with those strong REPRESSED hands.

I noticed he and Olivia have been friendly recently, let’s hope she knows that she’ll be walking side to side after a night with him (no, but like, because of the flogging, not the dick). Once he’s done with those spread sheets at his hoity-toity big boy job, spread sheets take on a whole new meaning once the dawn comes. You go Emre Yahooligan! #callme

FOUR - DEVIN FLORES @devinxflores

First of all, I just want to give a big thanks to all of you for letting me call him Devin TORRES for the past few MONTHS like a complete MORON! I really appreciate you guys letting me disgrace the future KING of Santa Monica in such a terrible way! No really, you guys are the best. I love my fans <3.

Anyways, it’s well known that Devin and his Alaskan Bull Worm have burrowed through the city. Both the men and women alike have survived the DF experience, with ZERO complaints .... well, except for one ...

Overall Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Favorite Position: The Charizard (ONCE again, don’t Google. Just know that it involves fire ... And we aint talking about lighting no candles (which he allegedly seems to enjoy, how romantic!)).

Downside: As we have witnessed, Devin is a complete and total klutz! He is always getting himself into a bullshit that is literally all his fault. Didn’t he glue something to his head a few weeks ago -- actually, you know what? That’s not important. What I was getting at is, the main complaint about DaddyDevinFLORES is that during SACX the klutz JUMPS OUT. He has been rumored to have smacked his head on the headboard whilst switching positions (causing him to go UNCONSCIOUS for SEVERAL HOURS, which completely RUINS the mood). One of his Encounters even claimed that during a Romantic Toast of Wine, he clinked the glass so hard it broke and and SHARDS of GLASS went into his hands, causing him to bleed INSTANTLY. What the fuck, Devin?

How could someone who can handle balls so well out on the soccer court, not be able to handle them in the bedroom without accidentally falling out of a window in the process?

Ladies and Gents, much like Emre, Devin will have you walking Side to Side, but if it happens you might be suffering from brain damage after falling in the shower whilst trying to have sex with him. Please seek professional help immediately.

THREE - BERNBERN<3 @carverberncrd

Coming in at Number 3 is none other than Heidi’s personal play thing! We’ve seen his bulge through his Under Armour spanks, so Of Course I had to do a little research to find out the Lipton on HIS heat-seeker. I’ve reached out to his past flings and came to a general consensus.

Overall Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The women I interviewed all confirmed he is an excellent LAY, so once again, I was right. BernBern<3 outsold your favs.

Favorite Position: Doggystyle (obvi)

Downside: He’s a Taurus so while he will indeed fuck you into a state of paralysis, it’s only to reach his Hedonistic Quota for the evening. He probs won’t even remember your name once he’s done, let alone learn it in the first place. So don’t get attached<3.

His star sign also explains his relationship with Fraudi. Not only are they both so annoyingly stubborn, but Two tops can rarely make it in a relationship. Just ask Ash — never mind. (Omg, btw Idk WHY everyone keeps asking. YES, the rumors are true! BernBern<3 gets pegged, but only by Heidi, it’s actually a testament to his masculinity and how he’s reached the apex of it at this point. But this is all old tea. So I guess Julian isn’t the only #DemonDick in the Stark Fam, Surprise?). Anyways, I ship them, but they get on my fucking nerves! They can’t even admit their undying love for each other, which is so obvious. But this isn’t about #Berni (working ship name), BernBern<3 has a massive COCK (and heart) and it has landed itself on the Top of the list.

TWO - SINRIQUE @itsenriqueaguilar

This one came as a surprise to me because I have no idea who this is. But yalls asses do! So here we have Enrique Aguilar, coming in at number 2 because of the OUTPOUR of receipts on the TALLY WACK ATTACK that he PACKS.

Overall Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Favorite Position: You know, there wasn’t a general consensus, he’s a man FULL of surprises.

Downside: No, you don’t understand, there is literally no downside. Look, here is a letter from one of the women he’s slept with. For reasons, you will understand REAL soon, this person has been kept anonymous.

Dear DP,

It’s been approximately 1 year, two months, 9 days, 5 hours, and 46 seconds since I Locked Eyes with Enrique from across a crowded room. That night would go to be on of the most invigorating, tantalizing, and romantic experiences of my life. But when I woke up the following morning HE was gone. I long for the day I see him again. My heart Aches at the thought of him with another women. Giving her the same love that HE gave to ME. I need you to understand that I was a grade A student at my university (4.0). I had an paid internship at an elite institution that OWULD HAVE LED ME INTO A PROMISING CAREER! BUT AFTER THAT NIGHT I BECAME RAVENOUS. I NEEDED MORE. AND IT CONSUMED ME! EVENTUALLY I LOST MY INTERN BECAUSE I STOPPED SHOWING UP! I FLUNKED OUT OF SCHOOL BECAUSE I DIDN’T CARE ANYMORE. I SEARCHED YOU ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIA BUT I COULDN’T FIND YOU! ENRIQUE I NEED YOU BACK IN MY LIFE! JUST FOR ONE MORE NIGHT! PEASE I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE! CALL ME AT [redacted]

Obviously Ivy, sent this in ... kidding (But honestly though? They did used to date, which ... yikes ... Good to know Daddy Rique has no standards, maybe we all have a chance. #shade #clapback #scalpt)

Anyways, I’ll have to keep an eye on this one, he seems to have a good head on his shoulders ... AND good head on his shoulders OKURRRRRR!!!

ONE - SEBASTIAN DELGADO @bashdelgado

That nerd that sat in the back of the classroom brainstorm his next nerdy ass invention with high-watered khakis, and orthopedic shoes in like, the ninth grade (because he was focused on Arch Support???????). That’s him, Sebastian Delgado. And Baby Daddy Bash has DITCHED the NERD LOOK and is now ready to SNATCH YOUR CAT BACK.

I’m sure everyone is just surprised as I am. But hey, they don’t call him “Bash” for nothing (except for the fact that it’s a shortened version of his name). He’s totes Bashing Puss with his MONSTROUS MEAT TRUNCHEON (and Buss?? Sebastian contact me about your sexuality).  

Overall Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Favorite Position: Missionary, he’s a man of passion and likes to stare DEEP into your eyes. #swoon #romantic #westan

Downside: Well if you HATE Love and AFFECTION, this one is not the one for you. Not only does he have a GINORMOUS, UN-NUGGETED MEAT SEPTOR/LAP ROCKET/VAGINA MINER, which, by the way, last a LONG time, He is EXCELLENT BOYFRIEND Material! He’s caring, patient, kind, resourceful, loyal, and he is well on his way to becoming a multi-millionaire -- which is NOT the reason he is number one! Money is not the goal here ladies (and guys? Seriously Sebastian, I need to know what’s up).  

Sebastian is the complete package and he has ALL of the other guys in this town QUAKING!

So Stan A True Man. Stan .... Sebastian.

And that, my friends, ends the TRUE tea on the wangs in this town. This was fun while it lasted, but I have some COCKtails that need my attention (ok, maybe THAT was the last one).

xo, DP

[pocmuzings]

so throughout your time in the rpc, are there any characters written by other people that you adore? people never compliment each other on their writing and effort for their characters enough and i think bringing life to it would be such a nice change of topic on the rpc tags!

GOD WHERE DO I EVEN START?!?!!? there’s so many to choose from. 

firstly, we have @zeldadyke​ who wrote my favourite shy quiet lesbian of all time and basically tore my heart away. i thought my own character was going to be bi or pan, but as soon as she met autumn she just was 1000% gay. i fell in love with the kindness of autumn, the softness, the CHARACTER of her as a whole was written utterly spectacular, even if it was only for a little while we rp’ed together, that character forever sticks with me. 

secondly we have @retribvtions​ and their constant strive for diverse characters, but more than that... nicole fucking woods, ladies and non-gender-conforming individuals. nicole was one of those characters that as soon as i read her and her interactions, i fell in LOVE. she was so absolutely unique and well developed, she had a gamer/geeky personality, but was so confident and just.. i literally was in awe and wish i could have written a character nearly as fantastic.

i don’t even know where to start with @pauljasons​ , somebody who will make a character in .2 seconds and have me in love with them in half that time. consistently, sunny makes characters that are strong, independent, original, and so vastly different. it’s incredible, the range she has. athena was the first character i fell in love with- she was sad, but poignant. jensen had me FALLING HARD with how original and unique he was, and every other character along the way has been nothing short of another treat.

i don’t know where i’d be without @zivadaviid​. the amount of work she puts in to every. single. character, is astounding. writing with her is like being on a whole different page. writing with her is like... writing with a genuine AUTHOR. she has all these little mannerisms, and character quirks for EVERY character. rylie was the first female character i think i EVER rp’ed with that was strong in a way that wasn’t just physical. vina has taught me MULTITUDES on how to write strong female characters.

it’s been so so long since i’ve rped with @greektrcgdy​, but when i say they have my heart from now until forever, i mean it. the original maker of a character that was an asshole with a heart, an asshole who is MULTI DIMENSIONAL and creative. i don’t know anybody who can write characters that are so COMPLEX and genuinely have people FIGHT to want to plot with them. being able to plot and SHIP with holly is literally one of the luckiest thing i’ve ever been able to experience, and something i’ll never forget.

my rp soul mate.. @tigresswrites​. i literally messaged them on about FOUR different character blogs the first time i met them, because i had no idea they played ALL FOUR CHARACTERS bc each character was so VASTLY different and COMPLETELY seperate. it was incredible. i’ve never known someone who can hop on and play a ruthless maniac like walden macnair, and then switch so easily to someone soft and kind like miroslav orlov, THEN SWITCH AGAIN to a strong, fierce female like odella blackburn. i will never ever meet anyone with such a range of characters like that ever again.

@lovcsomebody​.. i don’t even know where to begin. i’ll never forget playing vodka pong with you and learning headcanons about your characters. i’ve never had such a fun time learning about characters, and being with a friend. it literally was one of the best nights of my life, even when i threw up KJGGNF. but listening to the way candy talked with such enthusiasm and LOVE for her own characters... it literally was such a delight. it really reminded me what i love about rping.

i’ve only been rping for a short while with them but the character arc of lane by @fitzalans​ is absolutely insane. seeing the roll, and turn, and demise of a character is something i don’t get to see much, especially not done WELL, but everything cc has lane do is so well thought out and coordinated and planned. it’s impossible to not just WATCH in awe to see what will happen next.

@satan1x1​ is literally someone i haven’t written with in so long, but that doesn’t mean i’ll ever forget what they’ve written or how they’ve written it. the character of carmen lodge was such an insanely creative character, i honestly can’t think of anybody else who will ever come close to pulling off such a manipulative, dark character like gaby did. the way she made a dark, EVIL character still so likeable is outstanding. 

of course i have to mention @jcnghyunnie​ who literally i don’t know where i’d be without them. it’s been so so many years of friendship together, met over tumblr, RANDOMLY in the rpc of all places. getting to rp with sam is something i will never not be thankful for. she can literally make you fall in love with every damn word she writes. her creativity knows no boundaries. her characters are all the kinds of characters i literally YEARN to see and learn more of, but every little taste i get is honestly amazing and just leaves me wanting more. 

@perstephone who has written so many different characters but always had time to message me and ask me to plot. steph will offer you a shoulder no matter what kind of day you’re having because she’s  so selfless. every time i rp with her i’m literally just .. kissing the ground she walks in. she knows how to make characters loveable, no matter what their traits are, and that must be bc SHE’S so loveable, and utterly creative with everything she writes and every character she moulds. 

god damn @emmanuelnathalie for being an actual asset to every rp she graces. she brings diversity, she brings an independent voice and individual characters . she never falls into stereotypes or tropey characters, but always finds a way to put a spin on a fc and character, it’s honestly incredible how she does it. 

sara over at apogeehq for writing characters so vastly different from each other, but so equally flawed yet incredible. writing flawed characters is so, so hard but she hits the nail on the head everytime and makes writing with her so utterly enjoyable. 

ingrid from soundscapehq, for bringing in possibly the coolest defined character. literally, i can’t think of a character as simply beautifully written and amazing as gala levitz was. as soon as she came into my life, i can’t think of a zoe kravitz character written any other way. 

moose over at soundscapehq, because she just knows how to write and write and create and her artistic abilities are honestly just something i can’t even compete with. she’s someone i only rped with for a short time, but she was so utterly talented, and her characters SO personable, that they’ll honestly always stick with me.

honestly i can’t even think, i know im missing more people but these are the people i can talk to ooc and ic literally anytime and they’ve become so much more than just ‘rp partners’. anybody i’ve ever written with has genuinely given me so so much, and helped further my own writing and i’ll never not be thankful. the entire rpc in general, has helped me further my writing, and my character development skills. it may not be a perfect place, but it’s always helping me and encouraging me to write characters i’d never think to write about anywhere else. so thank you to everyone, and i mean EVERYONE. your work doesn’t go un-appreciated, especially not by me. even if we haven’t ever rped together, i’d honestly love to change that anytime, just shoot me a message. your writing is good. i promise.

[imanes]

wow you travel alone?! what's it like to travel alone? isn't it scary to do so as a woman? and how do you keep yourself entertained? what do you even do when you're alone? sorry I've just always been told horror stories from my fam about women traveling alone so I wouldn't travel alone /:

actually i don’t really travel alone because i always go to places where i know people and like only the travelling part would be alone then i am w/ people during the day and alone at night OR the opposite when i’m staying with my family. the thing is i don’t do anything particularly risky i just eat breakfast visit during the day stay home at night LOL it sounds pretty unexciting but i don’t even care about nightlife when im home so i care even less when i am in strange environments :-/ i am very easily entertained like i can go to a museum and be like bitch this is the best sculpture i have ever seen… then go get an ice cream and be like DAMN this ice cream is life changing. i am a planner at heart so i always have a complete itinerary stored in my head with like bus numbers and street names and everything. i haven’t done any backpacking-across-south-east-asia-alone type of travelling precisely bc i know it’s unsafe, i limit myself to cosmopolitan european cities for short periods… nothing groundbreaking really.

also people tell me i look like i know what im doing at all times and my aura doesn’t attract freaks thank god… like the only time i “almost” got robbed was when i was in madrid looking for the bus terminal and this guy suddenly started moving when i was walking in circles but my instincts were like bitch that’s a thief!! so i walked in the opposite direction as soon as i spotted him. i am an extremely careful person to begin with. i NEVER have headphones on when i am in transit with all of my stuff bc it makes you an easy target. same for late evenings outside i keep myself in tune with my environment to reduce the chances of anyone sneaking up on me. i don’t trust strangers and don’t accept offers to get drinks and whatnot, ESPECIALLY from men. i literally don’t speak to men abroad i’m like je ne parle pas anglais BITCH! fuque offe! lmao 

ALSO i have run into a lot of women travelling alone when i was abroad (with friends or family) and i always make sure to talk to them and help them take pictures and everything so that they know they can feel safe around me. it requires so little energy but it means so much for a woman to know they can count on someone when they’re travelling solo so i advise u to do the same bc who knows maybe someone will showcase the exact same good spirit towards you some day :-) 

aaaaaand to end this long winded post on a positive note i know a lot of women who have travelled or are currently travelling the world semi-alone (so with friends during some stretches and alone at other times) and they seem to be having the time of their lives. before doing that i suggest u read up a lot on the topic and the destinations. read blogs of women who travel alone and listen to ted talk-style videos and podcasts about it. a tip that i picked up around rape for example is to tell ur aggressors that u are on ur period… it works 9 times out of 10 according to this one blogger who gave a conference at a café i go to. obviously it won’t be rosey all the time, one of my close friends always texted me to vent about her traumas on her solo trip, but i think that if it is the yearning that is animating your soul then you should go for it BUT amp up the carefulness factor by like 300000000 and get as much info as possible about your destinations. im an unadventurous bitch who only goes to metropolitan cities to like do grandma activities all i do is eat and visit historical places and i always know at least one person that i can count on everywhere i go so im not a prime example of the usual “woman travelling alone” archetype. but i love doing it (at least for the transit parts) bc… i love shutting the fuck up (surprisingly, seeing the length of this answer LMAO) and being alone with my thoughts for some me time!! its genuinely refreshing, but of course having someone u love and vibe with to share it all with is even more rewarding imo! 

[aquietplaceforthoughts]

Parts of it, I’d rather forget

-start-

Monday, April 26, 2021 - 2:53pm

Another new week is here. Damn, is it already the end of April. Where the fuck is time going? Since getting this new laptop, (which btw, is much more compact at 13 inches) I’ve had this sudden urge to write my thoughts down while sitting up on my bed with the pillow cushioning my back. This is real comfy. LOL

But aside from the awesome new piece of gear, I’ve always wanted to start up another blog just to jot my thoughts down into something I can reference back to someday. There’s something cathartic about getting into a stream of consciousness and just jotting down what comes to my mind in the moment. I haven’t done a podcast episode in awhile. I should probably cancel my StreamYard account since it’s currently linked to my credit card and I havent had a want or need to do a podcast in awhile. I wonder why? I start these things and very seldom follow thru. Everything is up and down. On and off. Why? Bootcamp is ALMOST, ALMOST done! Fuck man. I just want to be done. But outside projects that actually pay me so I can pay my bills are essential, at least for the meantime till I land a full time job.

I’m currently a few weeks past my estimated graduation date and my portfolio is just missing THAT LAST fucking project i need to get done. At least the hardest part of the process is done… research and defining the problem in which to design for. I’m currently designing the interactions which will lead to me finally able to design the fun stuff. The visual design. The UI design. Weeeeee.

I’ve had conversations with myself about why I’m pursuing this new career path in the first place. In my last post I talked about the Pandemic and how it forced everyone to question what it was that they were doing with their lives. For me, the dream is simple. To not be tied down to any one city, country, place, etc. I’ve talked to some of my best friends about this way before the pandemic began… about the dream of working remotely from ANYWHERE. What a dream.

Do I want to settle down and raise a family? Yes. Most definitely that is in the plan. But right now, my spirit has a yearning to wander and explore. I felt alive whenever I got to travel overseas. The planning, the logistics, the unforeseen circumstances that derail those plans, how you overcome challenges while traveling, the people you meet, the places you see, those are the stories you bring back with you.

There’s a richness to the world once you get outside and travel. You realize just how small you are amongst the vastness that is Planet Earth. So many different people living in a much different way than you do. To experience these things first hand, man, what a vibrant life that is. Right?

2017 - Japan

2018 - Cambodia, Hawaii and Cancun

2019 - Vancouver

I’m definitely glad I decided to take those trips when I did. And I’m lucky to have gotten the opportunity to right before the world shutdown. The photos I took are the only memories I have of the places I’ve visited, other than the memories I replay in my head.

There’s so much to see. So much more to see.

-end-

Mon. April 26, 2021 - 3:31pm

In my bed, with a blanket warming my lower half, laptop propped up on my lap.

Mom is on the phone handling bills…

Im praying for motivation, strength, and good luck with May (my birthday month) coming up soon. I turn 31 this year. 2020 and my 30th year of living went by like a blur. Parts of it I want to remember and parts of it I’d rather forget…

[onequartercanadian]

mood: fine, operating better than before

but so much apathy, it’s basically impossible for me to care about anything.

Time is an illusion

Nihilistic view of life (everyone dies and nothing matters, we’re the size of a proton compared to the universe. The world’s going to burn in my lifetime anyway)

vivid dreams/nightmares/dreams within dreams

periods of racing thoughts

peeing during night

constant restlessness; like i’m yearning for something but I don’t know what.

days where i'll go from almost normal, or at least apathic, to 'i want to get hit by a bus. So I can just die. That would make everything so much easier. When can I go to sleep so I can finally end this day? Then I'll have to do another tomorrow. Ugh" Like I can’t imagine going on like this for days/weeks/months/years longer

Getting a job won’t solve all my problems which is terrifying.

What if I get a job that I hate and I’m still in the same mental state that I’m in now. Again, I can’t imagine or handle feeling like this for much longer. I don’t know what to do.

If I get a job that I hate like a sales job, I’ll be having regular mental breakdowns and serious thoughts of hurting myself...but that’s almost where I am now so… (although my thoughts of death are more passive. I would never actually do anything and I know that. Which I think contributes to the not being able to go on like this. Because I know I won’t kill myself and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better.)

Feel stupid that I want ‘furfillment’ and ‘happiness’ like I should just get a job I hate and slog through life like everyone else. 

When i bring up super dark thoughts to mom she’s like ‘don’t do that. Don’t say that. Don’t think that.’ which not only invalidates my feelings but completely shuts down any open conversation. I feel like i can’t talk to her about these things. they dont trust me.

I feel really good when I create things. Write, draw, video edit. When I created my ux web design for the travel blog for my ux final, i really enjoyed it and felt good while doing it. I was motivated to finish it and do the best I could. Not just because I had to, but because I geniunelly wanted to.

I feel that blog would really furfil me, make me happy, give me purpose, do something im passionate about, give great work experience. It gives me hope which I don’t have otherwise.

But i know that will never happen.

Because mom and dad don’t believe in me. “You won’t make money doing that”

Dad will do anything but believe in me. He’ll spend tens of thousands of dollars on his stupid fucking shitty plane that no one wanted him to get but he won’t finacniallly support a business idea

Doesn’t help that dad can barely set up a dvd player and mom didn’t know what ‘now streaming’ meant.

I feel like I can’t talk to her and I constantly have to put on a happy face like nothing’s wrong. That my feelings are dramatic and stupid. I just need someone to validate my feelings and actually listen. Not just shut down when it gets dark. 

When you realize all your interests and thoughts are just distractions from what is really wrong. 

I feel like i dont deserve anything, like im a burden. 

[falling-between-the-cracks]

46. A life in flux

April 2019

A friend recently tried to reassure me, because she felt I was going through a lot recently and not processing very well. So she said to me that ‘yes life is a rollercoaster but if it wasn’t we would be on a ride that is simply flat. And no one wants to go on a flat rollercoaster.’ At the time that made no sense to me. I could not comprehend who would not want a stable and calm life. Without needing to go through the ups and downs of life and needing to fix things and rush through things and sort things.

Today I broke a rule of mine. I did something that I do not regret, but something maybe I shouldn’t have done. I opened a letter of mine. I have over the past 5 years now written letters to myself. The first letter I ever wrote to myself was written April 2nd 2014 and it is (i think) a letter of hope. At the time I thought I was going through a lot with some big changes on the way so I decided I would pen a letter of hope, yearning and prediction. In it i believe i describeed how I wanted my life to pan out. The thing is I haven’t opened it. I have kept it sealed for 5 years now because I had at the time said to myself I will only open this letter when I graduate as a moment of reflection. 

And since then I have written letters to my future self relatively often. I think on average once a year. Usually something big happens which hurls me off course, knocks me off balance, causes me to loose my footing. And that is when I pick up my pen and decide to pen something to my future self. Its usually a description of what I’m going through, the feelings barelling through my chest and then a prediction of how I want the future to unfurl. I wrote a letter to myself before I decided on taking a year out for my masters. And in my melancholic mood I decided to re-read it and it made me want to open another letter i had written a year ago.

A year ago I was going through a difficult time. I was in a small housing crisis and I had exams to worry about and it was causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. I wrote a letter to myself to somehow ease the burden on my chest. And to pen down some hopes and feelings for the future of where things could go better. But that letter was not meant to be opened for another month at least. But seeing as how I was currently going a somewhat difficult period I decided that I would open the letter. And yes it was full of emotion and it was full of dread and it was full of hopes of what I woulc go on to achieve. but it made me feel nothing.

My heart seems like a heavy lead box which is currently incapable of feeling anything. I don’t know - thats a lie, i do know how long it has been like this and I can imagine what is causing this. You see each year of my university life I have faced a crisis. Usually only one and always around my birthday. In my first year it was a friends crisis as I realised the people I had befriended did not like me as much and I had made some big mistakes with them. In third year (after a peaceful 2 years) I had a housing crisis. In fourth year I had another housing crisis. And now here in fifth year I have a romantic crisis.

I guess using the word crisis is a bit much but still. Looking back at the posts I have written this week I dont think its a surprise to know that i have been overthinking everything lately. Especially in the last few days over asian boy, and where we stand and who we are. And all week I have stressed and worried and nearly cried about him but with one thought, that i would see him on Saturday, for my birthday dinner.

A little bit of background it takes a lot for me to cook for someone, before yesterday it had only ever been for like 3 people, EVER. And it takes a lot for me to introduce someone im dating to my friends. Like so much, that that has never happened. So the fact that I was cooking for my birthday AND ready to introduce him to my friends meant something to me. But that wasn’t even what got to me. He invited himself. I mentioned the dinner I was planning and he asked me if he could come. Then i confirmed with him in person if he wanted to come. Then i added him to the whatsapp group about the dinner, and i decided i didnt need to talk to him in person about it because he could see the messages on the group.

And then in a feeling of dread I messaged him yesterday afternoon asking if he was still coming. A casual question which I had thought he would respond positively to. He did not. He said it would be better if he didnt come, he might feel awkward being as “itll be different if I’m there for everyone and this is supposed to be for your birthday.”

On a level it makes sense to me and i understand it. But am I over-reacting? Am i over thinking this situation and is it not as deep as I am making it? I don;t know. I dont think so. Since then how I feel towards him has changed. It has tilted and shifted and I dont think i can ever put it back to where it was. And now Im not sure in which direction I want to take this. I didn’t message him after then, except he wished me a happy birthday at midnight and I responded to that. And I haven’t responded to his message after that one yet. So it’ll be the first time in weeks he will wake up without me messaging him first. Again an overthought because no one probably thinks like that but i do, so there we are.

And again I dont know where i want to take this. I could say to him it doesnt matter, eat my feelings and continue seeing him and move past this. Or I could say it straight up to his face, let him know my feelings for him have tilted and shifted and moved and I dont know if this will work. In my overplanning head I have already broken up with him. But i dont know if i want to do that. But i also dont know what I do want to do. I guess, along the fucking running theme of this blog I am lost and confused and unsure of whats happening next. 

I cant stop myself from being cold to him, and i know that will end things for us. But i know I cant also go back to how things were. So I dont know where that leaves us, and i dont know what will happen next, and i dont know what I will do next.