#fucking DENTISTS man all they do is guilt trip you

[z00r0p4]

no girl im fine i just got hit with a plan for 1500$ worth of dental work because I don't brush close enough to my gums or something

[2309analysis]

TW: Blood, and very, very minor violence.

HEADCANON: So, you remember the giant gap that Casey has? Like, four teeth are missing in his front? So, I got this headcanon that his “best friend,” Nick accidentally snapped them off when playing hockey with him. (Also another headcanon that Casey has uncut and jagged teeth. They’re partially uneven everywhere, and have shaper tips than most. Bro barely ever when to the dentist/orthodontist. I got fucking proof.)

I even got the day, a Saturday. They were practicing for a game. They were around ten or eleven years old. They were goofing off for a while, and running into each other, daring the other they can’t make the shot from whatever distance. Zooming past the other to mess the other up, all fun and lighthearted games.

They both started to get a tad more serious/aggressive, and started thrashing into each other, to skid them off to the other side. Occasionally making each other fall over and trip on their skates. (I headcanon this is why Casey is so great at dodging and jumping up and down on the ice in the first place.)

They both started getting faster, and smarter, making the game a lot easier for disaster. Nick had the puck in his range to hit, he went for it, unknowingly that Casey was trying to zoom past him. For a chance to mess up Nick, and Casey wasn’t paying much attention to Nick’s position near the puck. As in, he didn’t realize how close he was to it.

“Hey, Case- watch out! Get out of the way!” Casey was in the zone, blurring the last part of Nick’s plea’ “- out of the way!” He turns his head around to figure out what Nick meant, “…huh-!” *zoom!* *swish* *crash* Casey landed flat on his back, with splits and mini spews of blood dripping from his mouth. As he deliriously peered down at the ice, realizing the blood was from his mouth, he immediately clomped his hand on his mouth.

Nick practically racing by Casey’s side, and panicked. “Oh my god, I am so, so, so sorry, dude! D-does it hurt, are- are you bleeding?!” Casey looked at him with a sarcastic Expression, with a muffled voice. “No, that was some ketchup I decided to prank you with. Of course I am bleeding, and I think a lost a tooth.”

Nick furrowed his head down, and covering his eyes in extreme guilt. “D-do you want to call your dad? Maybe, go to the doctors? ‘Cause, uh… one of your teeth is next to your left palm.” Casey immediately looks at where Nick is pointing, and groans with agitation. “Great… now I got buck-teeth, and it’s your fault. I already don’t fit well in most school clubs or friend-groups, now, I’ll be debunked from a cool kid to a laughingstock.”

“Sorry, man… want to call our parents, or walk home, or, or, I don’t know, I just feel guilty.” Casey is a naturally forgiving guy, (at least my headcanon that he is) and doesn’t really like holding grudges. “It’s okay, dude, besides, it’s kinda cool thinking about it. Not grand like an adventure, or anything, but I got a story to tell, now. Plus, nobody has this, and, it’s unique! Still mad, though.” Nick chuckles, and relieved that Casey doesn’t care much, and helps him up.

Casey removes his hand, to a tad disgust, two more tooth’s pop out, while the last one is just barely hanging on. Out of annoyance, Casey pops it right off, and kinds just… puts the four teeth to aside, and continues to skate. Both of them try to clean up the blood, and just made it kinda look like something spilt some red juice on the rink. Casey ends up putting them in a bag, gets some wet paper towels to clean himself up, with another one to keep the blood from gushing out of his gums. A begrudgingly bitter visit to the dentist is coming Casey’s way.

Like, look, you can see the headcanon, right? This guy definitely avoided the dentist like the plague. Especially due to the circumstances of 2018, he’d have no real or proper way of taking care of his teeth or hygiene. Donnie might or could’ve helped, but I wholly believe that, as a kid, Casey fought him if he went near his mouth. So, Donnie just gave up, and said, “your mouth, kid.”

[tomanyships69]

911 1x08 Karma's A Bitch

Rosalee??? (Monroe would never treat her like this) The wife played a different character on Grimm for those who don't know.

Should have shot him, I mean I guess she technically did, but that abusive dude should have been dead sooner.

(People should respect bodily autonomy and not force or guilt trip people into doing things they aren't comfortable with aka the blood drive.) But also if anyone should respect trying to even things out it's Bobby.

God I understand they are both in a tough spot. He wants to live his best life and introduce his family to the man he's getting close to. But he should also respect his WIFE'S feelings and know that her and the kids might need some more time to adjust.

God the skin coming off his chest is so gross (better than his chest shattering tho, seen the clip haven't watched that show yet)

This dude did not kill his dog, jesus christ!

She has the right idea, and saved the dog from a douche owner.

Bobby is at church again, they have extras this time woo! But also calm down you probably aren't dying Bobby.

Cool a thief, what's in the box? Never mind broken bone.

Chimney being there for Bobby aww!

He's got magic blood and can save all the babies lives now ain't that ironic.

More people terrorising animals. Be a good kitty and maul him. He attacked the wrong guy.

Now he's also a shitty poacher and worse a dentist. FREE THE TIGER they did nothing wrong.

Athena's kids are standing on business, damn!

Nooo Chimney is getting the Bobby trauma dump. Bobby go to therapy please! Why is the entire firehouse traumatized.

God this scene is hard for me to watch, and Chimney doesn't know what to say or do.

I still can't believe she cheated smh.

God I feel so bad for her but Athena is doing the right thing. (Side note, she has a really nice house).

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

I HATE EVA, I said she was the worst and keeps on proving my point. As for Hen I don't have any sympathy. Karen deserves better.

Damn okay Athena, chatting it up with Mr. smooth.

I love Chim, he deserves nothing but happiness.

Maybe I'm just soft but this episode hurt my soul.

Had to make an edit, just now realized Buck was barely in this episode. Also no Abby at all.

[planetsam]

Love your Walt adopts Michael fic!! Any chance we might see more of it beyond the 2nd chapter? Maybe some more if the early days where Michael is learning to trust Walt? 

The silence is so thick Walt thinks he can hear his own hair grow.

“Well what’d you do before?” He asks, “when you went to those other schools?”

Michael looks down and pushes around his cereal. Walt gets the feeling that he isn’t going to like the answer. Not that he has a whole lot of faith in the system, but Michael seems determined to show him how god awful it really is. The kid has medical records, he’s seen them. But he doesn’t believe for a second they’re accurate.

“Sometimes my foster’s would forge them,” he says, “I’d usually just piss the doctor off enough that they’d sign them so I would go away,” he shrugs, “or I’d forge them.”

“You’re forging documents?” Walt repeats incredulously.

Michael bristles and puffs up. Walt takes another drink of his coffee. Dealing with an alien is hard, dealing with an orphan is hard. Dealing with Michael’s prepubescent hormones makes him want to throw himself out of the window. Walt doesn’t think he could have gotten him at a worse time if he’d actively been trying for it. He can’t quite figure out if there’s a specific thing that sets him off or if it’s just everything. It seems to be the later.

“My species matures faster,” Michael says.

“I didn’t realize you were such an expert,” he says.

Michael’s glare almost makes him regret saying it. But he’s done stupider things to scarier people. Michael might be telekinetic and he may owe the boy something he can never repay, but Michael’s still a punk kid. Walt’s read enough parenting books to know you can’t just give kids whatever they want. You gotta discipline them. But not like the disciplining his old man used to do. Walt refuses to be that kind of person. The disciplining was kind where you said you were disappointed in them and they shaped up because that was supposed to be worse than being mad. Walt doesn’t believe it works on anything except tv but he’s got a preteen alien sitting at his kitchen counter so he’s going to try.

“So you’ve never been to a doctor?” He says. Michael shakes his head, “dentist? Any medical professional?”

“Of course not, I’d be in a lab somewhere if I did.”

“How do you know that?”

Michael stares at him. Walt knows he’s full of shit, that he’s the farthest thing from an expert on aliens despite being one. The old guilt churns through him. He got time with Miss Nora, time that Michael needed more than him. He ran away as a kid but he was able to find out about his own body. What he could and couldn’t do. Aside from being able to move things with his mind, he’s not sure Michael knows anything. Michael pushes his cereal around as Walt waits for his answer.

“May I be excused?” Michael asks in a weird impression of an obedient child. Walt chokes on his coffee.

“What? No,” he sputters, “where’d you learn manners?”

“Two families ago,” Michael says. Fucking smartass.

“And how do you know you can’t go to the doctor?” Walt asks.

Michael says nothing.

Walt can see where this is going a mile away. More than a mile if he’s being honest. He doesn’t need two eyes to see that Michael looks like a scared kid with a secret. God knows he used to see the look on his own face enough to recognize it, even if it’s been a damn long time since he saw it. Dropping it isn’t going to help either, he’s a bad sell on a good day in the parenthood department. He’s surprised he got approved at all after the way the social worker looked at the junkyard.

“Did one of the others tell you that?” He ventures.

Michael freezes and the look on his face shifts to horror. How the hell this kid is going to keep being an alien a secret is beyond Walt. They’re going to need a lot of rules. He’d say that he’s surprised Michael has kept it a secret this long, but the exorcism would say otherwise. Before Michael can sputter another lie or choke on his cereal or something, Walt decides to put him out of his misery.

“Your mom led me to the eggs,” he says, “I know there were three of you.”

“We were found by the side of the road,” Michael says, shifting from horrified to angry.

“I was younger than you when I found the eggs,” Walt says, “you ready to take care of three kids?”

Michael has the grace to look down, shake his head and mutter an apology. It doesn’t make Walt feel much better but right now he’s the adult. He doesn’t need anyone to hold his hand of absolve him of his sins. Especially not when it comes to the aliens. Michael shifts his weight and licks his bottom lip before looking up at him carefully. Walt can’t imagine the war going on in Michael’s head. Or, actually, he can. He doesn’t know where he comes out in all of this or why the hell Michael should trust him.

“Max can heal,” he says, “humans and us. He knows we’re different.”

Walt nods, he guesses it was too much to hope that something in this would be easy. He sighs and picks up the paper. The idea of Michael having to forge documents is not one he wants to entertain. He almost signs the damn thing himself. But Michael is a kid, if for some reason they get caught he can blame any number of things. If Walt gets caught, Michael goes to someone else. When he looks up at Michael, the boy is watching him intently. Walt slides the paper over to him. Michael goes for it eagerly and Walt puts his hand over it.

“You tell me when you do this kind of thing,” he says, “you shouldn’t be doing it at all but we don’t have a choice. The way I see it, here’s the safest place for you right now. But there’s gonna be a lot of lying involved so we gotta be honest with each other. Think you can do that?”

“Yeah,” Michael says and Walt believes him. He watches as Michael hunches over and gets to work, “I gotta do this for Max and Iz too,” he says and glances upwards.

Belatedly Walt realizes he’s asking for permission.

“Whatever you gotta do,” he says.

A few days later when Michael asks to go on a camping trip with them, Walt agrees and ignores the stupid feeling in his gut. He makes sure Michael has the phone number to the cell he’s got on him, then he makes sure he can recite it from memory. It’s just supposed to be one night and Walt tells himself that they are human enough that nothing terrible is going to happen. But when the damn phone shows a number he doesn’t recognize, he realizes how stupid the reassurances have been.

“You okay?” He asks instantly. There’s silence, in the background he thinks he can hear someone crying, “Michael,” he says, “remember what we talked about?”

“I need you to come pick us up,” Michael says finally, “I—“ he hesitates.

“Am sorry to wake me up?” Walt says, already pulling on his boots, “don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks,” Michael says.

He gives where they are and Walt hauls ass to the location. Michael is standing near the road looking anxiously out. A ways back Walt can see Max and Isobel huddled together. It’s odd to see them all together. He hasn’t since the group home. Michael is skittish but stubborn as he gets out. Walt looks him up and down.

“You hurt?” Michael shakes his head and Walt exhales, “you need my help?”

“We took care of it,” Michael says, “we just need a ride,” he licks his bottom lip, “please.”

Walt wants to demand answers to what it is and what they took care of, but he can see the desperation on Michael’s face. It’s almost as heartbreaking as him asking for help with a please or the look on the twins behind him. Walt reasons that what was done here is done, there’s no fixing it. So he motions them into the car. The three of them nearly collapse with relief and Walt wonders if this is the first time that they’ve gotten help from an adult. He helps them pile their stuff into his truck and watches as Max helps Isobel in and scrambles after her.

“Are they hurt?” He asks Michael when they close the door.

“Not physically,” Michael says.

“I guess that’s the important part right now,” Walt says, “get in.”

Michael scrambles in and he gets in after him. No-one speaks, the only sound is Isobel’s heavy breathing which echoes loudly in the car. Michael reaches over and turns on the radio, finding something that covers up the sound. Walt watches the three of them move seamlessly, taking care of one another in little ways that seem almost instinctual. Hell, maybe they are. What the hell does he know about families and how they take care of each other? No-one says anything as they drive. Walt gets off the main way and drives to a quieter place and pulls over, killing the engine.

“I know you all want to go home,” he says, “but your parents are going to want to know why.”

“Don’t you?” Max asks. There’s a quiet authority in his voice that’s damn unnerving.

“Course I do,” Walt says, “but I want you all safe more than that.”

“I killed someone.”

Walt whips around. Max meets his eyes but there’s no defiance in his. It’s that same authority. He killed someone and he knows why he did it. That’s damn powerful stuff. Walt feels sick at the sight of it. That’s not an expression anyone should wear, but especially not a kid. Isobel lets out a shuddering breath that gives away exactly why Max feels so justified. He’s almost afraid to look at Michael but he forces himself to do it anyway. Michael’s head hangs and the guilt rolls off him in almost palpable waves. When he raises his eyes to Walt’s, they’re bright. But he swallows and forces the emotions back.

“I buried him,” Michael says.

Walt hates the relief he feels.

“Deep?” He asks, “shallow graves—“

“He’s buried deeply,” Michael cuts in.

Walt almost tells him to not interrupt and then stops. That isn’t something important right now. He looks between the three of them and sighs. It’s not important but he’s getting the feeling that this is their life. He’d better get used to it.

“Don’t interrupt,” Walt says. Michael raises his eyebrows, “I’m not putting your manners on hold until weird shit stops happening, I’ll be old and grey if we wait that long.”

“You’re already grey,” Michael points out.

“Grey-er,” Walt corrects, “the way I see it I can take you all home or I can take you all nearby and give you a night to sort out your feelings. It’s not a lot but—“

“Nearby,” Isobel croaks.

Both the boys nod and the decision is made. Walt puts the car in gear and takes them nearby where he found them. When he goes to get their tent and gear out, none of them look thrilled at the prospect. He doesn’t blame them.

“Get your sleeping bags out,” he says, “you can camp out in the back,” Max and Isobel trade looks.

“What?” Michael says, “he knows what we are, I don’t think Max wetting the bed is gonna upset him.”

Max lets out an indignant squawk and suddenly they’re teenagers again. Or two of them are. Isobel still smiles though which is a lot better than the look she was wearing a few minutes ago. The three of them clamber into the back. It’s not the first night that Walt’s spent in his car, but it definitely wasn’t on his plans for the night. Still it’s kind of nice to hear the three of them talking in the back of the truck. The world’s going to be a mess in the daylight, but he hopes that one night of feeling safe will mean something. Somehow. He closes his eyes and opens them and it’s somehow daylight and the three of them are standing there.

“Here,” Michael says, handing him a paper cup of coffee.

“Thanks,” he takes it, looks at the time and swears, “lets get you back before your parents freak out,” they all climb in, “happy birthday,” he adds.

He drops them off and drives him and Michael home.

“Come here,” he says before Michael can get in the house. He leads him to another part of the junkyard and opens up the hatch, “I found this when I bought the place,” he says. Michael looks nervous and Walt rolls his eyes, “you think if I wanted to hurt you I wouldn’t have done it last night?”

That makes sense to Michael and he shrugs, following Walt down the ladder. Walt’s done his best to clean out the dust and get some damn lights going, but it hasn’t been the easiest job to finish Michael’s back. He supposes that the work’ll go faster if it’s the two of them. Michael looks around the space slowly, taking in the white board and couch Walt has down there.

“I figured you might need your own space, when things get crazy. Or you need to do your alien thing,” Walt says, “it’s deep enough you shouldn’t disturb anything up there.”

“This is mine?” Michael repeats.

“I know it’s not much but I figured—“

He’s not expecting Michael to throw himself at him or squeeze the daylights out of him. It’s an objectively awful hug. Awful enough to make Walt’s good eye tear up and his throat tighten. But only because it’s a damn shame no-one taught the boy to hug properly, not because the kid’s hugging him at all. He claps him back on the shoulder which is what you’re supposed to do. He thinks. Hell do either of them have any business hugging?

“Happy Birthday,” he says.

“Thank you.”

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: Guess who 💀👑 and #2 reckon keyed Lucas’ motor

Janis: Sherlock and Watson they ain’t, not even in the gay fanfic type of way #2 wishes

Jimmy: If they ain’t saying it were Asia’s 🦷🦷 when she tripped and fell on her clonky school heels to guilt trip her into the dentists chair for a bit of cosmetic, dunno who they think they are

Janis: When they’re too intent on the faux flex to gaslight gatekeep girlboss 💔😱

Janis: She’s tryna put about that it was Pablo because she MIGHT have mentioned to him that Lucas was being SO creepy trying to get her to sign up for some club

Janis: which never fucking happened and if it did we all know she’d be all over that #teachercrush content like a rash

Jimmy: her romantic gesture’ll backfire when he and Lucas find out

Jimmy: 💔😱 is right

Janis: not supplying her that 💡 not even to smash it over her head

Janis: maybe she reckons daddy gives enough of a shit to get him off

Jimmy: gutted you don’t have any 📷📼 to supply to the head and make it look like he did do it

Jimmy: 💔😱 be doubled when she works out daddy’d be first in line to call the 🚔👮 but Bill’s faves her and that lad still ain’t

Janis: Didn’t have my 📷man to hand so I’ll let her do her own dirty work

Janis: as it’s more likely she’s 💔😱 dating a black boy didn’t get daddy’s attention before now

Janis: desperate times, like

Jimmy: @#2

Jimmy: her time might FINALLY be coming OMG!!!!!

Janis: If she weren’t too pussy to suggest going that way

Janis: her pretending she’s in any way impressed over his 💘💪 is hilarious though

Jimmy: be fair mate, it’s a tall pillow wall and she’s very weak, impressive if she could lift enough 🥂🍾🍸🍹 to have it be a goer

Jimmy: Mia’s dad is well unforgettable, it’s blackout or nowt

Janis: That we’re all agreed on

Janis: some things worth shopping your boyfriend for 😩😩

Jimmy: today’s 🎨 can’t compete, obvs, but

Jimmy: [send it anyways]

Janis: s’alright, literally none of us believe he keyed it up for her and it weren’t my finest work so no 🎨

Janis: [post that and gush in the ways you can’t]

Jimmy: I dunno, inspired me

Jimmy: not #goals to @ me for being easy pleased so you’ll have to take the compliment, like

Janis: or out myself as the real culprit so I guess I’ll have to

Janis: was worth it before even getting us out of detention anyway, prick deserves it

Jimmy: need a 🥇 fake 🐕 to lure kids into that car now, worth it to feel special when it’s just us

Janis: When kids these days just aren’t impressed by the B-rate sports car you pay a grand a month for 💔

Janis: Dunno why he bothers, ask next lesson

Jimmy: *anyone

Jimmy: 🎻🎻

Jimmy: could be his missus used to crack on how his fucked exhaust does 🤞 he answers that bit of the q&a

Janis: 😂

Janis: It’s that or subject himself to more alone detention time and we all remember how hard he was protesting

Janis: Bill’s well suspect

Jimmy: and a fuming 👻 ain’t nowt to 😂 about

Jimmy: he’s already pushing it with how he interprets Bill’s work

Jimmy: can’t wait for when 💀👑 tries to give her lad credit as the dickhead who held the dagger

Janis: 🙄 he threw the first brick pass it on

Janis: reckon the class is gonna be expecting a full 🥀🌞🌝☠️🔪 reenactment from us as is

Jimmy: pass the 🧱 more like

Jimmy: the tights an’ all, duh, born ready for my close up, me 🎭🏆

Janis: I know

Janis: gutted I ain’t got any on me

Janis: @Asia?

Jimmy: Lucas won’t be, made it piss easy for his under the desk 📷 to get a decent 🩲🦵 close up, you

Janis: Oh tah, just what I wanted to be 💭 about

Jimmy: 😘 no need to thank me, Jules

Jimmy: gotta get you in the mood for our scene in a bit somehow, all in a day’s work

Janis: Not complaining

Janis: If Asia weren’t in there we could not but she’s deffo 🐀 #1

Jimmy: if there were a bloody nurse you’d have somewhere to send her for it, have to be Lucas’ boot 💔

Janis: Another day, another DNA sample

Janis: wouldn’t need no 🐕 to convince her to get in either

Jimmy: it’ll be the dental records ⏲🚨 on this one, hun, every dickhead’d know them 🦷🦷 from anywhere

Janis: 🦷🦷🏆?

Jimmy: necklace were a good shout 🎁 before

Jimmy: long as you promise you ain’t getting bored

Janis: [selfie like 🤞]

Jimmy: 👍😁👍

Jimmy: thought I were gonna open that up to be a 🤏

Janis: I save that response for dick pics exclusively

Jimmy: I’m gonna have to save that til I fake need a piss there’s 🚫📷 but miss’d still 👀🍿 if I had a go here

Janis: Dunno if it counts as a compliment to say I don’t think she’d be the only one, like

Jimmy: Tammy’d have it on tiktok and she don’t have a neck to stretch

Janis: can’t be giving her all those views for free, babe

Jimmy: onlyfans or nowt ✔️

Janis: 💰 beats 👏

Jimmy: Bill’s the only dickhead who’d disagree

Janis: 👻 don’t pay bills, or need to eat

Janis: #checkyourprivilege

Jimmy: only keep him about to run up Ian’s electric with all the pissing about he does with the lights 🎬

Janis: I’ll be finding you 💀 before final curtain at this rate

Janis: you know how sensitive he is

Jimmy: 🤞

Janis: Bit rude

Jimmy: *easy

Jimmy: he don’t even need no 🍆📷

Janis: We’ve all heard the rumours

Jimmy: 💔 I’ll have to 💭 of owt else to spread to get the gals to 🤐❌

Janis: That is what we’re best at, though

Jimmy: 💪🏆🥇

Janis: Something like that

Jimmy: So go on

Jimmy: what’s your 💡?

Janis: Your confidence in me is inspiring

Janis: either that, or you’ve got ❌💡 of your own

Janis: Really though, it’s never been hard to get them to talk about what we want instead

Jimmy: you could give Lucas a smack while you’re holding your keys, that’d be a piss easy one up, say you’re defending my honour an’ all

Janis: Be a bit weird when I’m the one getting upskirted

Janis: Guess I could fight Miss instead though

Janis: 👀🍿 redirect

Jimmy: nowt #goals about lasses kicking off and pulling each others hair and that, Jasmine

Janis: If she was younger and less frumpy, there would be

Janis: ask any #lad

Jimmy: you can crack on when they’re in your DMs, meant to be the opposite of what you’re after but

Janis: Probably less annoying than the group chat at this point

Jimmy: Dunno how you can say that when Asia can’t keep the #goss straight or reply in the proper 🗨️

Janis: [purposely mislead her some more in said chat like whoops]

Jimmy: there you go 😁😁😁 now you’re living, laughing and loving life, babes

Janis: ✌️😘

Jimmy: [join in cos why not]

Janis: [love hiding behind the fake]

Jimmy: [tbf how stupid Asia is would be fun]

Janis: [bless her heart]

Jimmy: [send her a selfie like ✌️😘 when you’re done messing with Asia because she sent you the fingers crossed one earlier and why not again, it’s not like we’re in class or anything]

Janis: [honestly, the levels there’s no point y’all turning up rn lmao, like to think there’s someone caught off guard in the background like huh ‘cos same]

Janis: [name] looking fit af

Jimmy: IKR!!?? 😍😍🤤

Janis: SO lucky today, you

Jimmy: *every day with you, girl

Janis: Pssst, Group chat’s the other window

Jimmy: fuck’s sake!

Jimmy: tah for that

Jimmy: [does post something in there obvs because fuck Mia having all the attention ever and especially for this]

Janis: [just making it clear we don’t believe you hen without incriminating ourselves here]

Jimmy: 🗨️ SUCH bollocks today, her

Janis: When is she not

Janis: idk how anyone that ain’t Asia ever believes her

Jimmy: when she’s necking a latte or a soul, either/or

Janis: devouring virgins/cheating on the boyf who clearly loves her SO much

Jimmy: might be a good time for all that evidence to get leaked, lad’s gonna be fuming she’s setting him up for detention with sir who loves his motor SO much

Janis: You agree then?

Janis: give a shit what happens to him but she shouldn’t get exactly what she wants, ever

Jimmy: she should get dumped if he’s a real #lad

Janis: and found out as the snitch and 🐍 she is

Jimmy: When do you wanna do it?

Janis: 🤔

Janis: I think we need to do it so when she 👀 him at lunch today he’s found out

Janis: we can stick about to 👀 her reaction too

Jimmy: 👍

Jimmy: I'll take that fake piss a bit before

Janis: make use of an English lesson for a change

Jimmy: @Bill and sir for the poll on who’s more 💔🎻😭

Janis: What they’re missing in attention is made up for in #drama so they’ll both be living 👻👻

Jimmy: lunch room’s lighting is LITERALLY 🔥🔥🔥

Janis: If you’re copping to a bit of light arson rn

Janis: pretty offended you didn’t invite me

Jimmy: you would do if I’d joined Liz and Bev and not sent you nowt of me wearing a tabard

Jimmy: can’t take no credit for them smoke rings

Janis: 💔🎻😭 would be TOO real

Janis: no dodgy dinner is healing that heartbreak

Janis: 😎 before you, don’t you know

Jimmy: *🚬 before it were 😎 you mean

Janis: You mean you don’t think being 😎 is ONLY about the 🚬?

Janis: Interesting

Jimmy: never said that, just they’ve got ages on my 45 year habit

Janis: Liz is 38, she’ll have you know

Janis: absolutely not and a bold lie to go with but she’s not knocked off three decades so you have her beat there

Jimmy: trying to have herself in the running for my next new mum, I get it

Janis: 🍳 & 🧼 literally her 9-5

Janis: couldn’t be more his type

Jimmy: 🤞 won’t bother her to lie about her name an’ all

Janis: ?

Jimmy: Lizzie or Lizzy at least, gotta be if she’s after the 🏆 off Ian

Janis: Gotcha

Janis: I’ll let her know

Jimmy: @38isthenew21

Janis: ‘course you know 😏

Janis: just need to update mummy of # in the bio, easy

Jimmy: had to take 🚬 breaks with someone before you

Jimmy: ‘course I’m chuffed to stop using that newboyproblems # though

Janis: be a total awh moment if I didn’t know you loved it

Jimmy: love the 🎻🎻🎻 an’ all, no need to do a poll there

Janis: soz to rob you of the 🎼

Jimmy: I’ll live, miss’ll sort a tune for us before the lesson’s done, can’t help herself, her

Janis: 😬🔫

Jimmy: be on Tammy’s tiktok in a bit if you’re that gutted to be missing out

Janis: ole reliable

Jimmy: keep a bullet with her name on

Janis: #schoolshootervibesonly

Janis: be afraid to DM you fuck all then

Jimmy: if only Ian were decent enough at his job to get one with the yanks 🥔💥🔫 ain’t 💀💀💀 nobody

Jimmy: and it’ll be a right ball ache to stop her eating all the ammo any road

Janis: Sacrilege

Janis: don’t @ my nan

Jimmy: don’t reckon it’d come up if I did do but alright

Janis: He is always risen, dickhead 🙌

Jimmy: 😏

Jimmy: sounds like something you’d find on a 🚽 wall

Jimmy: you the next Banksy or what?

Janis: you gonna let me borrow your pen?

Jimmy: what’s mine is yours, babe

Jimmy: crack on with your ✒️🙏🍆 old school style thirst tweets

Janis: [obvs do that on your desk like there we go]

Jimmy: [do the pisstakey Mr Lucas @ on yours like there you go if you need a REAL man]

Janis: Not long now, babe

Janis: hold on, like

Jimmy: 🚢🌊🥶 vibes only

Janis: You wish

Janis: good news is the poor little rich girls here are half her size so you could squeeze on 👍

Jimmy: Better news is I ain’t gonna leave you pissing about til you’re 👵 before you get to 💀💀💀 an’ all

Janis: Be shut in with the rest of the third class to drown whilst you and Mia are pissing about making it all about yous ✨

Jimmy: if I had to draw her naked it’d be the end of me

Janis: put me off my lunch, why don’t you 🤢🤢

Jimmy: you started it, dickhead

Janis: you wanna be someone’s bit of rough with floppy hair

Jimmy: I don’t wanna be nowt to any lass round here

Janis: yeah, obviously

Janis: not forgotten what we’re doing here, don’t worry

Jimmy: What then? You fancy me getting hair extensions?

Janis: Wrong sister

Janis: she’s probably got 90s Leo in her collection though so hit up the group chat

Jimmy: [obvs does like fancy a movie night soon gals? LOL]

Janis: [oh god imagine lmao, at least you can bring up/swoon over his actual movie double even though I know like none of y’all are gonna know who that is lol]

Jimmy: [might be fun to do a JJ/flatwhite sleepover vibe soon because it’ll be hilarious for them if Mia’s just been dumped and she suspects it’s y’all with the cheating reveal but can’t prove it, but yeah for now I can only imagine the hilariously stupid stuff Asia is saying because she’s got it so wrong]

Janis: [not so casually taunting her, we know you would and we love to see it and why not, poor Asia, you little idiot]

Jimmy: [send her the link to this wiki of how he gets killed in his films like kill me please babe I can’t deal with how stupid Asia is, hopefully don’t send it to the groupchat because they’d be like wut]

Janis: Fair play, some 💡 I hadn’t considered

Janis: the first years are like creatures, I could set them on you

Jimmy: Bit rude to leave me with a rep like Lucas’

Janis: how do you wanna be remembered then

Janis: fussy

Jimmy: can’t live up to a legacy like that, the man’s prolific, I’d be a piss poor 👥

Janis: Legendary, some would say

Janis: well he’s been creeping people out since my mum was here anyway

Janis: don’t reckon your ✨ is that bright

Jimmy: 💔🎻😭

Jimmy: be a top intro to my obituary, that, tah

Janis: Not got time to draft that right now

Janis: 💀👑 won’t dump herself, boy

Jimmy: don’t need us both and I said I’d sort it

Janis: So, what

Janis: I’ve got to fake eulogize you and you get to actually do something about her

Jimmy: do what you want for your alibi, Janet

Janis: What’s she gonna say, no one cares who got the pictures of her, it’s still her being the cheat

Jimmy: nowt ‘cause she’ll be 👀🔪🔪 at you sat at your desk while it’s happening

Janis: I can handle her 👀🔪🔪

Jimmy: and I can handle pushing a button

Jimmy: why are you bothered which one of us it is?

Janis: I thought we’d go over it together

Janis: make sure it’s max devastation

Janis: but do it yourself then, doesn’t matter

Jimmy: I thought you’d want her to have fuck all that’d put you on her suspect list, but alright, we’ll do it together

Jimmy: don’t matter to me

Janis: I don’t give a shit about her or whatever trouble she reckons she could cause me

Jimmy: come with me then

Janis: Now?

Janis: and where

Jimmy: 🚬?

Janis: Yeah

Janis: need it a 🤏

Jimmy: you gotta get better at signing before I can offer to deafen you, soz

Jimmy: have to stick with muting 💀👑 for a bit

Janis: the new 🧛‍♀️?

Janis: the only one begging to be turned ‘round here is #2 to stop the 💔

Jimmy: only time she’s ever been 🤏 #relatable

Jimmy: drain me to stop miss’ 🎼 getting in my head

Janis: her talent 🤯

Janis: 🤝 if you 💀 me too

Jimmy: 🤝

Jimmy: let’s go

Janis: [get out of whatever nonsense lesson you’re in with the vaguest of excuses ‘cos we clearly don’t care rn and show up at the smoking spot]

Jimmy: [likewise, I like to imagine him interrupting this teacher mid cringe song like excuse me haha, so obvs gonna play her the song which we’ve obvs recorded and sing along when we show up, after he’s done the usual thing of lighting them both up]

Janis: [thank goodness for your cringe madam because it will make us lol and not have to deal with the awks here]

Jimmy: [and you’ll always have smoking in silence, because you’ve done it loads of time when it’s not awkward so we can pretend it’s not this time but doing a feelsy lean rn too because we can only imagine what being in a lesson with Mia has been like]

Janis: [nothing compared to how the fam is over the shit nan fiasco still at this point, ‘cos you know she’s not stopped just ‘cos you pushed her lmao, just shaking our head like I don’t need it ‘cos you don’t think you deserve that yet really]

Jimmy: [what a shitshow you don’t even know is happening, but give her your pen so she can vent her feelings with some shady graffiti somewhere in this smoking spot, because we know damn well he’s always got a sharpie and it’s a throwback to when she asked for it earlier and you said you would so]

Janis: [we’re definitely going for that heartily because we know it will cheer you, do some that’s definitely matching whatever you’re going to put on the site with those pictures about Mia and do an unflattering doodle of her ripping some lad’s head off before offering the pen back like, and you?]

Jimmy: [gotta match the energy always with whatever we are saying and add to her doodle with a shitload of other victims cos gotta make it clear she's a massive slag]

Janis: [adding the names, whether you’ve heard she has or you’re just making it up]

Jimmy: [bit of both I'm sure and he's doing the same with their @s]

Janis: [trying not to get carried away with the pisstake ones but its funnier so we do, even if it makes it look less legit, we know it’ll be irrefutable anyway, soz babe]

Jimmy: [adding a very unflattering and heartbroken Ella not soz cos fuck you too gal you're a bitch always]

Janis: [idk what your actual damage is because surely you don’t love Mia but who knows, go off on a tangent and do the dinner ladies with their hair nets and fags just looking like 👀]

Jimmy: [make it so another dinner lady is going to get one of Mia's victims to put in the food and talking about budget cuts or something lol]

Janis: [🙄😏 at him ‘cos it’s funny but you’ve gotta call him a nerd without saying it, obviously add Lucas calling Mia a slag in a him way like #notpure]

Jimmy: [add the headteacher and school therapist watching on doing absolutely fuck all about any of this but standing really far away from the dinner ladies cos they think they’re better]

Janis: [teacher we said has a drink problem just with her bottle doing her thang]

Jimmy: [not saying add every teacher in the school but if there’s any others you especially don’t stan or who would be especially #disappointed in Mia’s behaviour, because would love to add her dad but that’d give us away haha]

Janis: [can’t give it away that easy lads, not that you care but still just not clever to put your drama on the wall like that lmao, stub out your 🚬 on Mia’s face dramatically like there]

Jimmy: [do a x through Mr Lucas’ head with your keys because simply must]

Janis: [blatant feelsy lean like good callback babe]

Jimmy: [offering her another 🚬 like you’ve got all the time in the world and haven’t just walked out of class]

Janis: [‘how much do you smoke a day?’ yes we is calling you out lowkey]

Jimmy: [a shrug that could either have the energy of idk idc or what do you care/mind your business or both because I don’t have an answer to that and he doesn’t answer qs basically ever]

Janis: [just a dramatic sigh as we sit down like cool, good chat but we aren’t done enough we’re going back to a boring lesson]

Jimmy: [sit down next to her not so close we’re saying something but not really far away because that’d be a fuck you and we’re not saying that either]

Janis: [kick a stone his way not in a violent way a #sporty way because we don’t know what else to do]

Jimmy: [nudge her like excuse you even though we know it’s not in a violent way]

Janis: [‘too cool for football?’ more of an assertion than an actual question there]

Jimmy: [‘smoke too much for it, duh’ because we see you calling us out gal and doing a dramatic fake cough like see]

Janis: [just a look that’s like yeah I see no lie but trying to be #bants not rude as hell]

Jimmy: [pull something up on your phone like you’re doing one of those eye tests because I’m sure that’s something that exists and shove the phone at her in an equally #bants way]

Janis: [bat that away like ha ha nerd ‘it’s your insides that are fucked, Marlon’ and poke him like we know you’ve got a pretty exterior]

Jimmy: [uncap the sharpie and act like we are gonna draw glasses on her face because a play fight is never far away but obviously only mime it]

Janis: [imagine lmao, can’t show up to class like that, but enjoy because it always ends with a LOOK ‘cos how could it not, accidentally make the tension worse as per]

Jimmy: [can't ever not return a LOOK however dangerous, we might have to get some busybody teacher to come by and throw you out of here lol]

Janis: [if your smoking spot is anything like my high schools the teachers know about it and would check it periodically lol, also it’s lesson time so get away bitches, like to think as you’re walking to whatever lesson you were in, the bell goes so you have to turn around and go to English anyways]

Jimmy: [love that, I'm trying to think of something wanky he could be making you do cos it's transition year, I'm like do we go in and do a lamer version of a school play like in class only vibes? Or do we think of something else?]

Janis: [we always had to do shit like that so I vibe it, I think but I might be wrong that we said you was literally doing Romeo & Juliet in socials so if you had to be either of those roles with a random, so rude Mr Lucas lmao]

Jimmy: [10000% making y'all do a cringe modern rewrite or something like okay hun so original and Lucas totally would cast her as Juliet because he fancies her/acts like he just wants her to engage with school/he cares etc and all that bullshit, we see you sir]

Jimmy: [I think we should say Grace is the Juliet in her group too because he's a twat and he would, but that Jimothy isn't Romeo in his whoever he's with cos I'm thinking he could use the excuse of him being new/starting late if this has been a thing that's been happening all year to give him a shitter role like a petty bitch]

Janis: [probably Benvolio who was just like Romeo’s puppy, from what I recall lol, but yes, to all of that, like really sir, really]

Janis: Told you he LOVES the drama

Jimmy: He's cast 💀👑 dead right, he can have that 🏆 off us

Janis: Wish fat slag was in the script

Janis: might go off, extra points with Sir

Jimmy: he'd be chuffed to bits if you got into improv, not allowed to say no I've heard

Janis: 😰

Janis: yes and’d myself right into that

Jimmy: SO awks when you shoot yourself in the foot instead of the face 😳🙈

Janis: no mistaking if I’m alive or dead with no face

Janis: even though Robbie is thick as shit

Jimmy: probably wanna rewrite the ending of yours any road so you ain’t passed out in front of sir

Janis: Mia’d be buzzing to take away as many lines from me as she can

Janis: small victories before we publish?

Jimmy: you live long enough to start an MLM and she’s massively underneath you, pissing about on facebook live?

Janis: Mouldy leggings giving you thrush or your ex giving you an STI, what’s worse 🤔

Jimmy: gotta give a shoutout to Bill’s OG wardrobe choices or he’ll never be over it

Janis: [putting your hand up to ask if he’s got codpieces or nah even though you’re clearly meant to be doing quiet work rn]

Jimmy: [obviously fashion something out of balled up paper and throw it across the classroom at her because always gotta cause trouble haha and I like to imagine it hits Mia]

Janis: [she will be fuming, the lil snitch, hope you didn’t see who it was]

Janis: should’ve saved that to shove down your tights, mate

Jimmy: if I were bothered about an A off sir, I would do

Janis: Benvolio was a 👊 in the face

Jimmy: can’t handle my ✨ nowt we didn’t already know

Janis: Who’s shading me then, you or him

Janis: why’s he reckon he can handle mine

Jimmy: GHB

Janis: excuse me

Jimmy: for your ☠️ scene

Janis: Who the fuck in this group is gonna protect me?

Jimmy: I’ve got fuck all else to do, might as well break character

Janis: You’ll remember which one I am, yeah? #twinroles

Jimmy: your hair falls off when I pick you up, I’ll have another go

Janis: [just do a lol IRL]

Jimmy: [IRL 😏 in her direction]

Janis: [Poor Grace, I bet you are so embarrassed rn too, what a mess, how can we do to cause trouble rn hmm]

Jimmy: [honestly, she’d be hating this so much regardless of who her Romeo is, it’s really rude, we know you’ve got a thing about this fam because of Ali and Carly but let it go sir, as for causing trouble, let me ponder]

Janis: [even if you fancied him, it’s so embarrassing to have to be 😍 in front of the whole class, unless you’re these two and Lucas be cockblocking that fantasy]

Jimmy: [obviously you can keep finding flimsy reasons to go over to her because that’ll annoy the teacher and Mia and lbr probably whoever you’re working with even though you don’t have fuck all to do]

Janis: [just not contributing ‘cos we’re clearly at the boring stage rn of getting to know the characters, maybe scripting or something, loudly making ridiculous suggestions at best so the bae can know we’re hilarious]

Jimmy: [totally should pass OTT love notes and doodles to her when he’s not over there too that are blatantly for the benefit of everyone reading, starting with the lie like soz babe my phone is dead so we have the excuse to do that and also ask the bae for a charger we don’t really need]

Janis: [just like um soz he’s trying to help me prepare for my role everyone, get off our backs, Robbie isn’t bringing it, soz boy]

Jimmy: [can’t even be jealous rn though it’ll probably be a different story if we have to watch y’all smooch during this performance]

Janis: [ick, you will be getting fake kissed unless it falls when he’s done the let’s date other people bit]

Jimmy: [trying to go REALLY hard with the rewrite like let’s not be in love actually, hilariously I think a good plot would actually be if Romeo and Juliet fake dated to make their families realise they are being twats but we know y’all aren’t fighting for that]

Janis: [outs selves as #fakedaters by mistake, oh, I was gonna say there’s been versions where Benvolio and Mercutio are #gayvibes or a version where Benvolio likes Rosaline because his whole thing is cheering Romeo up and getting his mind off her, like, okay want her for yourself much lol]

Jimmy: [we should totally do that so he gets a love interest too]

Janis: [was my thought, like you don’t have to suggest it boy but maybe the lass who is Rosaline if you’ve got one, ‘cos realistically the groups aren’t going to be big enough for every character so you’ll be given scenes/concepts by Lucas with x amount of]

Jimmy: [that gal’s thirst is showing how legit]

Janis: [and you can both be 😒 about it]

Jimmy: [so gross that this teacher is encouraging y’all to kiss each other]

Janis: [with your rep? Dangerous game babe]

Jimmy: [defs gotta have these smooches in the dating other peeps hot sec for max cliche jealous vibes]

Janis: [I vibe it]

Janis: Why’s he given your group a Rosaline, she literally ain’t in the play

Jimmy: In ours she’s the 💀👑 to my #2

Jimmy: I’ve gotta be 🥺🥺🥺😍😍 and wear her down in the end

Janis: Won’t be rude and say you’ve been well cast then

Jimmy: piss off

Jimmy: weren’t pussy enough for sir to be chuffed with the casting how Bill wrote it

Janis: Wanted to cast you as a #niceguy in the 🙏 you’re being friendzoned

Jimmy: only spared your Romeo that ‘cause he’s gonna step in last minute when the lad mysteriously disappears

Janis: Gonna poison my lips forreal now

Jimmy: 🤞 for a 🥜 allergy or some other bollocks on file

Janis: So I don’t 💀 too?

Janis: you can pick a poison, don’t worry

Jimmy: amount you bite your lip I’d be out of job before there was owt I could do to stop you

Janis: I don’t bite my lip

Jimmy: bollocks do you not

Janis: What you talking about, I don’t

Janis: no more than anyone else

Jimmy: 👌

Jimmy: he still ain’t doing me out of a job, tah

Janis: Don’t fancy it myself either

Jimmy: it’s like he’s not heard they’ve got a ☕️ kink an’ all

Janis: Using Asia as a willing shield now

Janis: Holly’d be bigger but less of a hoe

Jimmy: don’t reckon he fancies willing, soz Tam

Jimmy: living proof over here with my bollocks part, me

Janis: can’t make a hoe a housewife 💔

Janis: him and Ian are on the same 📖 with that one

Jimmy: #bffgoals

Janis: dunno why either of them would reckon I can iron their 👔s or yours

Jimmy: fun’s in the first time you get it right after fucking it up for ages 😩🍆💦

Jimmy: you train 🐕 you get it

Janis: Doing it wrong, obvs

Janis: NEVER been that excited on a dog walk

Jimmy: 💔 for you, my dear

Janis: Might work on your customers, think I’d get on a register

Jimmy: 🤐🔒

Janis: Enabler 😏

Jimmy: more fucked the secret, the more chuffed I am to keep it for you, DUH

Janis: then you’re gonna be 😁😁😁

Janis: 💰mine

Jimmy: [IRL 😁 at you gal]

Janis: [IRL 😘]

Jimmy: [exaggerated catch because this isn’t for you sir]

Janis: [mime shooting self in head also because we don’t care if people know we’re sick of this, it’ll just look like you’re devvo to not be paired]

Jimmy: [do it too because you gotta die if she does and coupley bonus for the same way]

Janis: [points it at this boy like hmm but shakes head like nah,‘scuse me hun]

Jimmy: [can’t help but be buzzing about that, but that’s fine nbd]

Janis: [so casual guys]

Janis: [sneaky shoot this gal but under your desk don’t need the whole class and world knowing lol]

Jimmy: [can he see from where he’s sitting or nah?]

Janis: [I’ll leave it up to you ‘cos we know you pay that close attention but lowkey we were doing that for ourselves shamelessly ‘cos jealousy]

Jimmy: [I’ll let you have it gal because you’re going through it with all the shit nan stuff and not knowing if the bae is ever gonna forgive you for leaving so]

Janis: [save that embarrassment at least; we’re defs starting shit with Mia being like are you SURE you can do this role, like, you’ve got no sense of humour babe, so she’ll be raging]

Jimmy: [meanwhile Jimothy is like make it gay you cowards, full offense to this girl how obvs we are being that we don’t wanna kiss you]

Janis: when the rest of your group are absolute #LADS 😫

Jimmy: #whenyou’reshittingyourselfyoumightfeelsomething

Jimmy: 💘🔓

Janis: 💭🧷 with their toxic masculinity, soz babe

Jimmy: Might get Mia to swap if you keep on, she’ll be off scale in a bit

Janis: willing to sacrifice the kid to her

Jimmy: crack on and we can add him to the list

Janis: gonna need more bricks

Jimmy: be alright if sir would up his prop game

Janis: [asking if they’re gonna have real swords and what not to piss him off some more ‘cos never enough]

Jimmy: [obvs joining in cos would love to be sent out rn tbh]

Janis: [we all know y’all are gonna have to use your ImAAAGInaTion and Lucas is salty about the lack of budget so keep poking lads]

Jimmy: [bonus points for every time you manage to mention what happened to his car because we know you will]

Janis: [we definitely need to get fed up of this all about mid lesson and]

Janis: publish time?

Jimmy: Thought you’d never ask

Janis: you do the honours

Jimmy: what happened to together?

Janis: [come over like okay let’s literally hit send together then]

Jimmy: [do it cute nerds]

Janis: [anon that to Pablo and wait for the drama to unfurl mwahaha]

Janis: 😈

Jimmy: 👀🍿

Jimmy: [cos he is looking at Mia waiting to see if she gets a message or if he’s gonna wait to kick off in person]

Janis: [I feel like he’ll message ‘cos lbr he doesn’t actually care that much but you have mugged him right off, though if you try to come for him at lunch we can see that drama, or you’re crying and making a scene]

Jimmy: [she should totally ask if she can go to the bathroom rn for privacy cos she’s that bitch and sir is like no because how legit and how amusing]

Janis: [actively trying not to be 😏 rn, imagine her furiously messaging the gals so they’re all on their phones and about to get told off]

Janis: I see no 🥺😢😭 only 😤😠😡🤬🤯

Janis: don’t bode well for her acting ability

Jimmy: toxic behaviour from sir for not letting her go find and drown the lad before everyone finds out, could've had fake 😭 from the tap or the 💪 it'd take

Janis: Does not wanna see a girl boss win, that one

Janis: [also think he’d make some social media post shading Mia ‘cos he’s a dickhead so send Jimothy that]

Jimmy: only into YOUR improv, we all get it

Jimmy: and why that lad was SUCH a keeper, OBVS

Janis: Her pretending she didn’t spend all morning saying how much he loved her 😶

Jimmy: good time for me to offer to teach her how to sign an’ all so she can pretend she’s a deaf mute at lunch in a bit?

Janis: If you charge her

Jimmy: [sign something pisstakey at her obviously cos we know the kind of bollocks you’re gonna try and say Mia]

Jimmy: can have that for free but

Jimmy: 💰 by the finger after

Janis: Filth

Janis: [‘cos we both nearly lol’d]

Jimmy: have a word about the 🚫🚽 and I’ll 🧼🖐

Janis: More consideration than he’s ever given her 💖

Janis: [be like Sir you should let Mia go to the bathroom some people have IBS ‘cos she’ll hate that]

Janis: Off you pop, Romeo

Jimmy: you coming or what?

Janis: To check you sing Happy Birthday twice?

Jimmy: to get the 🎻🎻 going for that bellend after he’s tried SO hard to keep us starcrossed all lesson

Janis: They are all on their phones now

Janis: 📸💣🤳💋

Jimmy: get a move on then, Juliet

Janis: Alright, we’ll still get the likes, boy

Jimmy: 👍

Janis: Are you telling me what bathroom you went to or am I meant to play hide and seek?

Jimmy: are you telling me you don’t 🧠📖?

Jimmy: [send her a 🤳 like hello can you guess where I am or nah]

Janis: are you telling me you want to keep your fans waiting?

Janis: [I like to think you can work that out though so go find him girl]

Jimmy: *our fans

Jimmy: [but take a pic of her as soon as she appears like excuse you I’m wasting no time and am a professional]

Janis: [walking into a photoshoot like the professional you’re destined to be lowkey]

Jimmy: [shamelessly stalling because we REALLY wanna kiss her but are also lowkey terrified to, nothing to see here]

Janis: [just posing forever like we don’t need this many pictures of just me, at least you can be like ‘what are the comments like?’ on the whole Pablo and Mia thing to break the tension for better or worse ‘gotta see what we’re up against’]

Jimmy: [come closer than you need to to show her these comments to prove to yourself that it’s FINE and no other reason obvs]

Janis: [as much as we wanted to fuck her over we are really pretending to care about their nonsense now like hmm yes]

Jimmy: [meanwhile he’s fully distracted by the fact he was just gonna casually move her hair slightly because it’s tickling him in this close proximity but we can’t ever be casual about it]

Janis: [so then you’re just looking at him like ? but that close so it’s like oh]

Jimmy: [go put your phone on the sink or however you’re positioning this boy idk I ain’t a photo hoe, so you can break the eye contact and take a breath without it being obvious that’s what you’re doing because this is such a different vibe to when you kissed in detention for Lucas to walk in on and that’s all you’ve done since she was back]

Janis: [oh you two, just pretending this is strictly business like that’ll put him at ease/you]

Jimmy: [likewise because I imagine him going straight in with a lovebite that we’re pretending is totally fake lol lol because it’s deliberately where everyone will see it unlike the one he gives her before China’s bday party which was real af and somewhere nobody would see it, because I love to hurt us with stuff like that]

Janis: [tbh the levels you’d actually have to go to detract attention from Mia being outed then Pablo tryna humiliate her right back would be hardcore and I think y’all know that, casual excuse dot com, hence we can hit you right back with some extraness]

Jimmy: [we know what you two are like with your flimsy reasons and it only ever takes a sec before you’re doing what you want anyways, would not be at all surprised or gutted if your phone gets knocked into the sink because you’re just making out with the bae hardcore on it like]

Janis: [mhmm, this mirror gonna have palm prints tbh, just showing you how much we missed you in all the ways because we aren’t allowed to say]

Jimmy: [thank god we can have some random person walk in at any given time before this gets any more extra than it already is because not letting y'all hook up here rn like this]

Janis: [people actually needing the toilet like ‘scuse me]

Jimmy: [and I'm sure whoever it is will be talking about it and making it sound like you were going for it even more than we know you were so that's a little bit of attention off Mia]

Janis: [even though we know you weren’t, they’ll obvs say you were hooking up so there you go, all your plans are working hens]

Jimmy: [soz at how fuming you'd be to get interrupted but not soz]

Janis: [at least you can storm out and back to this lesson and that means you still don’t have to deal with this lmao, fun]

Jimmy: [just focusing on his phone blowing up as if we care about all this goss so much lol]

Janis: how long before she asks them to all get dumped in solidarity

Jimmy: 💰 on that 🗨️ getting sent soon as he'd done his 🖕 piss off slag post, she don't hang about

Janis: step one- convince👏 a 👏 lad 👏 to 👏 pity 👏 fuck 👏 you

Janis: step two- pretend 👏 it’s 👏 deeper 👏 than 👏 it 👏 is

Janis: step three- let 👏 him 👏 ghost 👏 you 👏 but 👏 act 👏 really 👏 sad

Janis: 💰 to put that in the group 🗨️ ?

Jimmy: price of their order at the CG? no tips though, obvs

Janis: Have you ever really 😁 wide enough though

Janis: ask yourself that, hun

Jimmy: [a list of stupid shit Asia has done and where you were on a scale from 😁 being the fakest and 😏 or 😂 being sincere]

Janis: times like this I think taking the piss out of her might be a hate crime

Janis: you on the otherhand, clearly stalking her

Jimmy: Everyone thinks our kid is on her level, means I’m allowed if it were, ask Ian about that black bloke next desk over, top mates, them

Jimmy: just from the other day, 1-6, rest are the shift before, nowt for her to flatter herself over

Janis: Thank fuck, I’ll cash my free pass in to point out she’s got the families the wrong way round and it’s really fucking her up rn

Janis: Mhmm, just what a stalker would say

Janis: 😍 blatant

Jimmy: be the plague on both our houses that’s done it, so bonded by the adversity me and her, soz you and your fake tan know fuck all about our #struggles babe but

Jimmy: got your own if you can’t work out what 😍 are

Janis: quit trying to put me on the struggle bus

Janis: not blind 😎 your look not mine

Jimmy: *not registered blind

Jimmy: get yourself down Specsavers it’ll be a different story but 🤓 suits you, be alright

Janis: More dependent on you suits your fetish, Kathy

Jimmy: can’t tell me sir ain’t watched none of them porno links where the lasses struggle, you’d be doing him a massive favour an’ all

Janis: That’s my ultimate goal, obvs

Janis: deffo a masochist if me saying I can’t 👀 it does it for him though

Jimmy: his missus castrated him and took it with her in the divorce, is what I heard

Jimmy: if I were gonna stalk anyone, it’d be her windows I’d be 👀 through

Janis: I’m not even sure she ever existed so 💔 for you and more 😁 for Asia

Jimmy: hang on, I’ll do a poll

Jimmy: [and we obvs are like does she exist or nah]

Janis: If I vote no will you reckon I’m just jealous or what

Jimmy: jealous of her for not existing or what?

Janis: that’s one way to look at it, emo

Janis: more like jealous he’s loved before, is what I was 💭

Jimmy: I get it, you said he’d been about since your mum were here, I’m gonna be proper emo when you and Ian crack on

Janis: he DOES have that black mate so

Jimmy: no need to do a poll to work out if he’s real

Janis: he’s real but don’t wanna make waves by telling HR Ian’s a dickhead

Jimmy: queue’s massive and it’s lasses first

Janis: #equalopportunitiesoffender

Janis: for his bio

Jimmy: @ him

Janis: and blow your cover?

Janis: never

Jimmy: 💕

Janis: 👮‍♂️ cooperation

Jimmy: 🏆✔️

Janis: long as my fam never find out, like

Jimmy: pocket sized 🏆 then, alright

Jimmy: [ask sir for craft supplies you know he won’t have like glitter and shit]

Janis: just pleased to see you, obvs

Janis: [just like HOW are we meant to get in character with no costumes SIR]

Jimmy: [loudly suggesting ridiculous funny and/or shady costumes for everyone for that party scene because we can’t address what the bae said when we were clearly so pleased to see her in that bathroom not long ago]

Janis: [accidentally sound like you’re really taking the piss when you’re simply not]

Janis: no budget for ⛓mail

Jimmy: THANK GOD you’ve still got your 😇 wings

Janis: Surprising as it was they didn’t get totally destroyed

Janis: yeah

Jimmy: nobody’ll give a shit about the state of your feathers when Lucas sticks on a pair of devil horns and nowt else for his Romeo bit

Janis: so rude

Jimmy: [send her a hilarious doodle of said scenario but we’ve put a ? over his 🍆 because tbd if his wife exists and the castration rumour is real obvs]

Janis: [do a proper lol so Lucas can be like SHARE WHAT’S SO FUNNY like babe you don’t want that shh]

Jimmy: [just doing a wink at sir like please send me out tbh babe]

Janis: I get it, you want your rep to 🥇 his

Jimmy: busted!

Janis: sharing a cell with the other nonces 🥰

Jimmy: you gonna stand by me or what?

Janis: agreed to 💀💀 not sharing a life sentence

Jimmy: at least destroy my hard drive so I know it’s real

Janis: 💣

Jimmy: tah, sweetheart

Janis: [ask Lucas if he’s on his phone rn ‘cos excuse me]

Jimmy: [ask him what phone he’s got and if he’s got any games like those annoying kids]

Janis: channeling 👶💕

Jimmy: just wanna join his nonce ring SO bad, can be as a victim if nowt else

Janis: dream big, baby

Janis: [we should probably let you leave this lesson now though for real]

Jimmy: [run to lunch so you can watch more Mia x Pablo drama]

Janis: [when you never stay and I imagine the gals sit inside so this is so weird like hey, what do we even]

Jimmy: [most unintentionally awkward part of the day accidentally, you two just not knowing what to do with yourselves and where to go]

Janis: [lowkey just have to follow y’all without looking like we are, which probably means a level of couplyness]

Jimmy: [we love to see it even if you two are dying, knowing him probably just pretending he has some work he’s gotta do cos #newboyproblems like we gotta be inside rn here doing this together gals nothing to see]

Janis: [that’s a good cover, not that it’s any of your business where we eat lunch hens you’ve got bigger issues but that would actually look non-suspish, paired with the standard handholding and what not, you can be nosy]

Jimmy: [you get to fake help and also distract him that way gal, both of which can be #goals and if we wanna chat shit about these huns or anything that’s occurring we can also easily do a sign language lesson/practice without it seeming suss and keep things #goals]

Janis: [deffo, distracting just ‘cos we wanna tbh ‘cos fuck school is clearly the sentiment but shh, we obviously know how this goes the gals side of it, Mia will fake some emotion then Pablo and his friends will probably literally just walk through and she’ll get Asia probs to shout at him like he started it, but do we wanna vibe it out for JJ’s sake or]

Jimmy: [fuck school and also we know you feel all that tension and frustration from earlier lads, oh Asia you fool, I like to imagine Grace has thought up some bullshit excuse herself but in her case to not be here and have to witness this because you know her feelings about Pablo damn well Mia and she already feels like a tit for having to do the Juliet stuff on top of all this bts shit nan drama, but yes, I’m always down to see where it takes us from a jj pov]

Janis: [bonus of you getting slagged off for being a bad friend in her hour of need, noted, but yeah, y’all are still dying that has not changed remotely]

Jimmy: [I’d like it noted that Jimothy is paying no attention until the real fireworks start because listening to these gals slag each other off is literally his 9-5 and the bae is much more interesting rn]

Janis: [tbh yeah, this is part excuse to spend time with Jimothy and part distraction from your family drama, it’s only the usual amount of enjoyable to make Mia suffer, how fuming she is about the pics is better than the Pablo shit ‘cos we all know you don’t care you’re just shamed; the eye rolling we’re doing at her bullshit ‘she could never fake date properly’ like her relationships are all fake but we all see it, say that quietly obvs tah]

Jimmy: [soz Twix you aren’t getting let out for a piss like he’d normally be doing because he wants to be around the bae and this is the only way atm, which makes me lol cos the levels he’d have no food as we weren’t expecting to be here doing this ‘gutted for Els, who’s one late night scroll away from finding that film on netflix and suggesting it to her’ in her ear because always gotta whisper]

Janis: [I vibe she never brings food either but you can get a pizza slice or something each, that used to be a thing at my school, 😏 and doing an impression of Ella like ‘omg, no, I know, so cringe, it was Grace’s idea to watch it actually’ ‘cos that’s your energy]

Jimmy: [And you can share chips too cos coupley which was always a thing at my school because we were all poor and the food wasn’t good but was expensive nonetheless, I’m sure she’ll let you put gravy on them like my sister used to do so your northern heart isn’t broken, boy. When that’s a scarily accurate impression of Ella because we’ve said before she’s good at them so you can’t help but do a little lol]

Janis: [We are not opposed even though we’ll obviously take the piss, idk what Irish people get on their chips as a rule tbh but still stands, do a mini bow but stay sitting obvs no need to be extra even though we’re happy about it]

Jimmy: [sign a round of applause cos it’s less extra even though he’d love it if he actually clapped and Mia thought it was @ her misfortune]

Janis: [she do be that self-obsessed but still, covert lads, fix his hair needlessly to be cute and also look like y’all are having your own convo not about them but ‘do you reckon he’ll beat the kid up?’]

Jimmy: [fix her collar on her school shirt needlessly so you can accidentally touch the lovebites you gave her earlier because can’t help ourselves ever and then be thinking about it to the point you almost forget to answer the question entirely but then ‘do you reckon he’s that bothered about the lad?’ because tea, he’s clearly not, it’s purely about making Mia look a twat]

Janis: [now your attention has been brought back to them too so you’re 😳 also definitely still wearing the necklace despite the drama so we’re just playing with that absentmindedly like; shrug like probably but idk ‘it’s all about saving face and ego, right?’ ‘so I can see a case for either or’]

Jimmy: [shameless excuse to play with her hair as if it’s in any way tangled in the chain of this necklace rn that he’s taking, also undoing the clasp, doing a soft kiss of her neck and then re-doing it as that’s nbd #justcuteboyfriendthings, oh you two, then I like to imagine getting his phone with the intention of looking at the pics of that lad to see how identifiable he is like 🤔 but instead coming across all the bathroom pics that you didn’t end up having to post cos someone walked in so then it’s his turn to be 😳]

Janis: [The levels of shook and offended we’d be for the hottest of secs thinking he was taking that from us rn baha, imagine but don’t because so rude, likewise catching a glimpse of his phone like… gotta whisper ‘the fans don’t know what they were deprived of’]

Jimmy: [a LOOK like we’re gonna recreate everything that happened on that sink on this table because clearly wish we could honey, but then sending them to her like any time you wanna post them gal go off, but we know damn well you also just want her to have to look at them too when she has to open the messages and die how you’re dying rn]

Janis: [a noise I can only describe as Clove’s angry noise ‘cos both that LOOK and those pictures are so rude ‘play fair’ and hover like you’re gonna post the most scandalous one caught that you absolutely should not]

Jimmy: [‘or what?’ in the sauciest tone of all time ofc and pretending like we’re gonna use our finger to make hers post it, you know what I mean]

Janis: [‘or I won’t’ with that energy back and leaving it ‘til the last minute to move his hand away by pinning it on the table like nah]

Jimmy: [‘don’t then’ like a saucy challenge, as if we’re not literally in public and the awkwardness moment, because he can’t stop won’t stop]

Janis: [looking and LOOKing right now and starting to say ‘what do you-’ but of course not finishing our sentence, might even let Pablo come through like hey]

Jimmy: [Mid jimothy drawing a ? on her, there he is to ruin the mood and give y’all a much needed cockblock]

Janis: [at least everyone will be 👀 at this charade]

Jimmy: [take a sec to calm down and remember your abandonment and trust issues boy including how often your ex cheated on you just for a nice added extra, thanks, because we know you don’t care about this scene unfolding for any other reason]

Janis: [mhmm, at least seeing Mia finally get some come up will help you not just come out of this in an awful mood because the evidence don’t lie, gal, whenever they’ve stopped shouting the odds, nudging him like wanna go, ‘cos this doesn’t need to be your whole lunch]

Jimmy: [go and walk Twix tbh because you live really close to the school and also don’t care if you’re late back for whatever the next lesson is so, just lowkey rudely walking off in that direction without waiting to see if she’s coming or no cos such is the mood switch and just his general always demeanour lbr]

Janis: [obviously you can’t follow him now, like you could but you will not]

Janis: you were 100% everyone was still distracted then 👍

Jimmy: Ain’t me bordering on blind, Judy

Janis: don’t think half the canteen is either but whatever

Janis: you’re dead keen to get to next lesson

Jimmy: don’t 💭 any dickhead’s watching me go with all that kicking off

Janis: You wanna half-arse it, that’s your lookout

Jimmy: you wanna start telling me how to do this and there’ll be nowt to half arse

Janis: right, ‘cos it’s all about you and how it helps you out

Jimmy: you said it, I were sure they were distracted

Janis: then there’s no need to get a mood on about it

Janis: fucking hell

Jimmy: that were you, I didn’t accuse you of owt

Janis: I accused you of not bothering to say bye, which yeah, would look fucking weird

Janis: but as long as you’re fine, don’t worry

Jimmy: no weirder than you not coming with me, which you weren’t bothered about faking either

Janis: ‘cos you gave me a fucking chance

Jimmy: meant to be a 🥇🏆🏃 you

Jimmy: have a word if you can’t keep up

Janis: yeah, having a word being operative

Janis: I’m not just chasing after you

Jimmy: but I’m chasing after a 🐕 so just leave it out

Janis: and if you can’t be bothered to say that then you can take your own advice

Jimmy: if you can’t work out that’s where I’m going, it ain’t me who’s half arsing a job

Janis: I’m not a mindreader, not even a fake one

Jimmy: nah you’re a 🐕🏃 and you know ours is a real little twat

Janis: and I’m not asking you to come back

Jimmy: and I weren’t asking you to take it for a piss, but some dickhead’s got to, don’t take a mind reader, that

Janis: are you convincing yourself that it wasn’t weird?

Janis: if not, I’d stop trying

Jimmy: for who? if it weren’t the #fans, which I’ve said saw nowt off with us, dry your eyes, mate

Janis: Okay, literally just walk away like we weren’t sat together

Janis: I get it

Jimmy: you literally gave me the nudge

Janis: 👌

Jimmy: fuck’s sake, just come now, I’ll make it look like I were sorting a surprise or some bollocks

Janis: There’s no need now, we’ve both left

Jimmy: 👍

Janis: Yeah, bye then

Jimmy: I don’t wanna hear it

Janis: No, I said I get it

Janis: you aren’t gonna say it to me because I left, yeah?

Jimmy: you get it, perk of that is we don’t need to go on about it

Janis: Very mature of you

Jimmy: never said I were

Janis: yeah, you say fuck all, that’s you 👍

Jimmy: and what?

Jimmy: I’m pissing off nowhere, that were you

Janis: I know

Jimmy: so stop being a dickhead

Janis: why should I?

Jimmy: what kind of question is that?

Janis: A valid one if you’re gonna keep being one

Jimmy: how is it? I did nowt

Janis: Fuck that

Janis: I had to leave so you get to be a prick without question

Janis: If you can’t get over it enough to not, then don’t

Jimmy: it ain’t without question, I’ve got loads, but alright

Janis: then ask them

Jimmy: for what?

Janis: because you want to know, apparently

Janis: Jesus

Jimmy: it changes fuck all

Janis: not if you don’t ask, because you don’t get any answers

Jimmy: what I want, ‘cause it ain’t simple as that

Janis: please yourself then

Jimmy: 👌

Janis: [the levels I’m like don’t reply girl but]

Janis: Is this how it is now then?

Jimmy: meaning what?

Janis: you’re going to act like this

Jimmy: gonna be letting my dog out for a piss for ages, yeah, it ain’t old, can still 🤞 for 💀💀💀 but there’s no promising owt

Janis: avoid talking about anything, yeah, okay, that answers that

Jimmy: not talking about what’s not our business is nowt new, I dunno why you’re marding at me as if it is

Janis: You thinking you can treat me like a prick and I’m gonna lie down and take it is brand new

Janis: if you can’t be bothered to talk to me like a person then you can do one

Jimmy: would LOVE to say so’s you kicking off for sod all but can’t even fake that’s not bollocks

Janis: That’s rich

Jimmy: rich as you telling me to get over what you’re dragging up

Janis: You’re the one still in a fucking mood

Jimmy: you’re the one fuming I forgot to send you a brb, calm yourself down before having a go at me

Janis: Just fuck off now

Jimmy: you

Janis: no

Janis: you were the arsehole

Jimmy: if it makes you 😁 have that rewrite, sir’ll be dead proud of your imagination there

Janis: are you mad or not

Janis: just answer

Janis: because you can’t have it that I’m the one dragging it up then be like this

Jimmy: I can have it that you threw a right strop at us and then called me the dickhead for not wanting to chat to you

Janis: I didn’t throw a strop, you literally stormed off

Jimmy: how did I? you were giving me the signal to go so I went, I’ve not got a mard on at you for staying put

Janis: There’s no point talking about this

Janis: you blatantly walked off, if you don’t reckon you did then that’s that

Jimmy: can’t get my head round why you care if I did or didn’t, more like

Janis: it’s fucking rude

Janis: I’d do that to them, yeah

Janis: not anyone I didn’t have an issue of some kind with

Jimmy: alright

Janis: I didn’t think it was that hard

Jimmy: might not be for you

Janis: You think I’m loving this

Janis: any of it

Jimmy: do you think I’ve got owt to say to that or can do about it?

Janis: Probably not

Janis: tell me when you’ve worked it out

Jimmy: here’s a 💡 don’t put it on me to sort out

Janis: I can’t say sorry, that’s out of the question

Janis: what do you think I can do

Jimmy: you’ve heard me say leave it out, what’s not doable about that?

Janis: It’s doable

Janis: it’s also an answer

Jimmy: there you go then

Janis: [okay now not replying for real lol]

Jimmy: [question is do we make it easy for you and say you’ve got no more lessons together today and thus skip to the whole him getting asked out at work situ or do we make it hard for you and say you do?]

Janis: [Hmm, I feel like even if we did, you’d skip at this point or walk out really quickly so we can probably just say you don’t, because you don’t have a shit ton so it’s okay]

Jimmy: [I agree, lord knows how I’mma do this next bit though haha]

Janis: [I’m like do you just go all in and be like okay I’ve decided we should stop, or do you be like that was stupid let’s just be chill and then drop it]

Jimmy: [I’m torn because both are plausible]

Janis: [I mean either way works, I kinda think if you say you’ve decided, atm, she’d respect that more, even though we don’t want obvs at least it’s like that’s been sorted]

Jimmy: [that is true, can’t really just be casual about it after the finality of how they left things just now]

Janis: [we’d have to do some more chill days between this and doing it if so, like not besties but not this lol]

Jimmy: [yeah and we don’t really have time for that, plus I think it makes sense if it’s reactionary like he’s thinking she told him to sort how shit things are and that’s a solution]

Janis: [agreed, and you can come back from it, it’ll be fine so ahhh]

Jimmy: [okay so whatever time it is after he’s pulled a full after school shift, so probably closing time, coming at you]

Jimmy: Some lass asked me out in work, she’s not from round here, so I’m gonna go

Janis: Alright

Jimmy: 🤞

Janis: Glad you came to a decision

Jimmy: yeah

Janis: See you around, new boy

Jimmy: in a bit

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #345

“this is the year where hope fails you  /  the test subjects run the experiment  /  and the bastards you know, is the hero you hate”

Do you have any scars from burns? No. Have you ever built a snowman? Yes. Growing up, Dad would always help my sisters and I make them. Good memories. How about a sand castle? Yeah, but not any impressive ones at all. Just the ones where you fill a pail with sand and flip it over. Have you ever used crutches? Tried when I tore a ligament in my foot, but the pair we had were too tall for me to use them comfortably at all, so I never really "used" them. Have you ever been in a tree house? No. Would you ever move to China? No. Did you ever go to daycare as a kid? I went to one for literally a day because Mom was disgusted with how I was treated. I accidentally wandered into the wrong room or something and one of the guardians slapped my hand when she scolded me, and I think I sobbed the rest of the day, but partially because I had AWFUL separation anxiety from my mom. Afterwards, Mom just had people she knew babysit my sisters and me. Who’s one of the most talented people you know? What are they talented at? As for people who are still in my life/I still consider to "know," I'm unsure, but only because there are so many talented people in my life. One of my older sisters is a fantastic cake decorator and artist in general, and my little sister is truly skilled with working with children; she's a kid magnet. Sara is really good at animation, and I wish she'd do it more! Do you usually pay with cash, debit card, or credit card? Cash. I don't have a credit or debit card. Are you the type of person who can make friends with just about anyone? Yeah, but I have my limits. I'm very open-minded and can befriend people with a wide range of beliefs and personalities, but I know where to draw the line. There comes a point where giving your friendship to someone is like passively supporting their ways, and I don't want to do that if those are overwhelmingly negative and/or hateful. Have you ever experienced a medical emergency? Well yeah, I overdosed on cold medicine. I was surprisingly okay, but I assume it's because I was taken to the hospital fast enough for fluids? Idk. What was the last thing you borrowed from someone? Ummm no clue. Are you muscular? Uh, no. When you go to a restaurant, do you prefer to sit at a booth or a table? Booth. What’s something you think everyone should do/experience at least once in their life? Love. Has your car ever been broken into? I don't have a car, but neither of my parents' has been. Have you ever recorded yourself doing a cover of a song? No. Do you watch television shows more in the dark or the day time? I just don't watch TV. Are there any movies out there that basically make you want to puke? None that I've seen, no. But I won't watch The Human Centipede for this exact reason, as I KNOW it would make me hurl. Any secrets you’d never tell anyone? No matter how close they are to you? Yes. Do you consider yourself a promiscuous person? Not even slightly. Do you know anyone who has AIDS? What about yourself? I don't know anyone with it, no, and I don't have it either. Has anyone ever mistaken you to be a member of the opposite sex? No. What’s your favorite hair color on the opposite sex that you love? I like colored hair, but if we're talking natural colors, then black. Have you ever had a child before? If so, what’s his/her name? Nope, never gonna have one. Which baby animal is your favorite? Meerkats for sure. I also love kittens. Do you like jam on your toast and biscuits? Yeah. Are there any plants in your home? No. What food does honey go best with? *shrug* Have you ever carved a pumpkin? Yeah. Have you ever reread a book? I read Because of Winn-Dixie twice, and I've read Meerkat Manor: Flower of the Kalahari countless times, although after the first read, I skipped over Clutton-Brock's massive tangents that had nothing to do with meerkats. They really took away from the book, imo. Would you ever like to own a chandelier? Sure, like above the dinner table. It's not a big deal for me, though. What scent is the last body wash you used? Oh my god, it's this cinnamon bun scent that I got for I think my b-day, and I LOVE it. It's going to suck when it's gone. Do you have any religious symbols in your home? Probably somewhere, I just don't pay attention. What religion do you identify with, if any? None. Do you enjoy flavored coffee? If so, which flavor is your favorite? I don't like coffee at all. Do you know someone who has asthma? Yeah, my mom. What is the most controversial thing you’ve done? Come out as bi, I guess. Other than interviews, do you ever “dress to impress?" No. Are you currently listening to music? Yeah: "The Man Who Made a Monster" by Dance With the Dead. When was the last time you got really nervous? I should NOT be blanking on this, but I sure am. I don't think I've been REALLY nervous in a while, but certainly nervous like... always. What was the first thing you ate today? I had a bagel. Have you ever had one of those elementary-school boy/girlfriends? No; I didn't have my first boyfriend 'til the 7th grade. Name something random in your car: I don't have my own car. What do you want to tell someone who has died (and who is it, if anything)? I wish I could tell Steve Irwin thank you and that he truly did change the world. I think a lot about just how unspeakably proud he would be of his children and how madly in love he'd be with Bindi's newborn. That family is the definition of wholesome, and I desperately wish Steve was still around. Have you ever stolen from a friend or family member? Wow, no. Would/did you cheat on someone for revenge? Or if they wouldn’t find out? No, that's incredibly childish. If you got pregnant right now, would you keep the baby? The only way I could get pregnant right now was if I was, God fucking forbid, raped. I don't think I'd be able to keep it; it would scar me for life, but at the same time, even though I'm pro-choice, I don't know if I could go through with an abortion without feeling like shit and forever thinking "well you could've just given it up for adoption." I don't like thinking about this topic. Any history with eating disorders (or tendencies)? No, thankfully. I've had bulimic thoughts before, but I've never acted on them. Does your family have a secret? No. If single, would you knowingly be who someone cheats on someone else with? Nooope. Guilt would eat me alive. Have you ever contemplated physically hurting yourself or another? I have hurt myself, but never other people. Choose one living person you’d like to meet. I won't have lived a full life w/o meeting Mark at least once laksdj;flakwjer. Who is someone you know would take a bullet for you? My mom would without a millisecond's hesitation. I'm sure Dad would, too. The next time you are on an airplane, where will you be traveling to? Most likely Illinois to visit Sara again. Where is your dad from? Ohio. Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into? My older sister's. What is something that makes you very squeamish? Vomit is #1. Do you even use an alarm clock, or do you just use your phone? I use my phone. Have you ever moved to a different state? No. Lived in NC my whole life. Can you do long division in your head? I can't do math in my head period. Do you have a wide imagination? Oh yes. Would you mind living on a farm? I wouldn't want to. Farms take way too much maintenance. Do you enjoy watching horror films? Oh yeah. Have you ever been to Niagara Falls? No, but I'd love to. Who are you in love with? Nobody. When is the last time you took a picture? I took a picture of Venus like a week ago when I had her out of her terrarium and she was just coiled between my arm and the laptop, totally chillin' out. I was IN a picture just a couple days ago, because my eldest sister came over to visit with her husband. It was great. Do you wash your own car or make the car wash do it? I don't have a car. Are you a fan of parties? Not big ones, no. I'd enjoy chilling out with a few people I'm friends with/know, just chatting and hanging out. Next trip you’re going to take? I don't know. My sister Misty's wedding is coming up soon, but we doubt we'll be able to go because of 1.) Mom's car would never make the drive, and 2.) Covid, and Mom's immunocompromised. It sucks, but she's being understanding about it. Were you in honor roll in school? Yeah. If you could know one thing about the future, what would it be? If I'll ever be happy with my life. What’s your favorite lunch meat? Ham. Do you drink your soda from a straw? I don't like to, no, because I drink faster via a straw, and I like to drag my soda out throughout the day so I don't go through more than I should. Do you like hot sauce? Yesssssss. Do you like Ellen Degeneres? Sure, she seems like a great person. Who do you think is the cutest celebrity? UMMMMMM like have you ever seen Mark Fischbach laugh?????? Did you ever play softball? For quite a long time as a kid, yeah. Would you like to live to be 110 years old? No, that sounds like torture. I don't want to live to where I'm essentially a walking (if even) corpse. No energy, no strength... no thanks. Do you like getting your picture taken? NO. Ever seen a tornado? Thank fuck no. When you were little, did you do gymnastics? No. Do you know anyone who is pregnant? I know a number of people who are. Two are due very soon. Do you like being the X or the O when you play tic-tac-toe? I like being the X. Have you ever tried crowd surfing? No. Do you like the movie Bambi? If so, who is your favorite on there? I've actually somehow never seen it, though I would like to. Do you like onion rings? No. Are you more afraid of going to the doctor or dentist? I'm not really afraid of either, but I dislike going to the doctor more. Have you ever been to an animal shelter? Yeah. Have you ever bought yourself or someone else lingerie? No. Have you ever had a serious issue involving your eyes? Nothing more than needing glasses. When you were a teenager, did your parents set rules about dating? Not really, besides the obvious age gap stuff. I was allowed to follow my heart with who I was interested in, really. Have you ever lived with a person who you tried to avoid at all costs? There were times like this with Dad when my parents were still together and he was in a bad mood, especially if he was drinking. Have you ever committed a crime that directly harmed another person? No. What is your worst childhood memory? There was this very weird three day period where I could've sworn up and down I was constantly on the verge of puking. On the third night, Mom finally took me to the hospital, but they couldn't find anything wrong. Oddly enough, I felt better the next morning... The whole situation was fucking awful for someone who was and still is terrified of vomiting. Do you remember where you first drove to after getting your license? I don't have my license. What did you get into trouble for the most when you were a kid? Being on the computer too much. What is your favourite game show to watch? Family Feud with Steve Harvey. When’s the last time had to cover a coworker’s shift? Never. Is there a word you have an emotional connection to? "Petrichor." How about a sound? Any emotional connection to a sound? LOTS of songs. Where is your favourite place to get fries? Bojangle's. Their seasoning is *chef's kiss* Do you always have a stock of alcohol in your house? No. Have you ever fainted? Yes. Do you get out of bed on the left side or right side? Left. Do you fall asleep with your mouth open or closed? It embarrasses me for some reason, but usually open, because I have a hard time breathing through my nose when I lie down for some reason? I don't take allergy medicine though when I'm really supposed to, so that might explain it... Is there a book you keep telling yourself you’ll read but still haven’t? I have Margaret Atwood's The Testaments that I want to read, but Wings of Fire has taken precedent, so I really don't know if I'll get to it. It would also be nice to catch up with Erin Hunter's Warriors, but that I know I won't do. Did your family ever own a vacation home? No. Have you ever opened a wine bottle? Nope. Have you been inside of a police station? No. What would you never change about yourself? I mean, there's a number of things. I would never allow myself to lose my empathy and compassion for others, for one. I'll never grow a head too big for my body. Do you pretty much need a car to get around where you live? Yeah. Public transport isn't a big thing here, especially outside the cities, and living in the South, places are pretty spread out/not within reasonable walking distance. Have you been to Australia? No, and I'm honestly too scared to go, even though I think it would be extremely cool. All the venomous animals just frighten me, and I find huntsman spiders to be TERRIFYING, regardless of how harmless they are. Do you mind drinking room-temperature water? UGH, I absolutely do mind. I HAVE to drink cold water. If it's even slightly on the warm side, it makes me want to gag.

[getreadytosmash]

may we get some single dad AU headcanons? [pleading face]

Yyyyeah sure, I dont see why not. Tho these are gonna be a lil short since the ask is for a ship meme and general smash headcanons are done on my main rather than my rp blog (which isn't to say I dONT do headcanons here but I always have a fear that someone's gonna try and start sending me x reader stuff here sksksk)

Skaar

Wakes you up by "earthquake" which is him literally using geokinetic powers.

Always does his kid's hair since he never had anyone to do his growing up.

Matching jackets dad.

Likes to go on long walks to teach his child about the world around them. It'd shatter him if his kid didn't want to go on nature walks with him anymore.

Watches performances that his kid does and claps every time.

Big on self defense and his kid can probably break your arm at three honestly.

Snack dad and by that I mean he carries snacks everywhere.

Rick

Dad that absolutely runs and plays on the equipment for his child.

Imagination games ALL the way and this man has been a dragon for far too long.

Tries to get his kid to learn the guitar or some form of instrument so they have that skill at least and also jamming buddy.

Wants matching jackets so bad UwU

Let's his baby stay up late and lots of junk food on weekends.

Still? Tries to be on top of stuff and has chore charts while also making sure his kid gets the sucky stuff in life out of the way before the good stuff.

Kid breaks the rules??? Its so much worse because Rick starts crying rather than hating mad. Oh no. Shit.

Red

Dilfs still got it.

Look. Red...fucked Betty up but also it has been shown that before his wife died, Red is soft and absolutely a push over for his kid when they're young.

Big man. Big coat. Small baby in baby hammock (what are they called???) Stapped to his chest. Safe and warm. I'm the babey.

A mess oh my god he's so tired. Falls asleep all the time but snaps awake as soon as he hears the slightest nosie.

Brags about his kid oh god. So much. You could talk about anything yet Red still turns it towards his child??? How??? Red, I was talking about how Leader murdered three more people jesus.

Will fight anyone over his child. He's banned from the school but he still screams at it.

Krusty Krab.

Hulk

What u came for.

Haha but funny enough I would HATE to be asked for Hulk and daughter/child prompts since wattlad and other sites are fucking filled with these stories.

I can't take it anymore.

But anyway.

He cries at anything really. First words, first steps, first picture for him, first tooth,,,he's a crier.

Packs you a lunch and lies about the fact that Red cooks it. Always leaves a little note in it because his mom used to do it for Bruce since she couldn't always go and take him to school and be seen by people.

Can't. Really ever tell his kid off. Kid,,,,probably takes it to their advantage as you know what goblins children are but it absolutely does cause some guilt when one learns that Hulk is terrified of going too far with punishments.

Fun trips with Uncle Joe to the..."door house???" Uncle Joe??? Why are you looking away and swearing under your breath??? Yes we know you can come back to life but why would dad kill you???

Big dad loves his naps with his kid and absolutely spent half of his days watching his kid sleep in wonder.

Samuel

PTA mom. I'd say more but I don't know what a pta is because I'm British.

Absorbed every child cartoon through osmosis and regretfully can quote spongebob at all times.

Actually I've mentioned that Samuel has plug sockets embedded into him for easy info transference so. Whose to say he can't be used as a portable Netflix.

Talks to his kid about science and long winded theories, waits for his kid to babble a little bit and chat back as it he got a full answer.

Science! Experiments!! Make a volcano!! See how pompeii would have burned!!! Now see how a real town reacts to it!!

Hypocrisy in telling his child the importance of healthy living while drinking coffee in his travel mug with sushi bobbing in it like shitty poor man's marshmallows in hot chocolate.

WILL sabotage other children for his superior child's achievement.

Keeps everything his kid gives him.

Taught himself and and every medical care trick for his child and if villainy doesn't work out then he can become a dentist or doctor at least.

Loser who's sleep deprived and ok so. As a kid I used to demand my parents slept in my shitty single baby bed until I fell asleep and long story short Samuel spends eight or nine years falling sleep in a small child's bed.

[gingerwritess]

I was at the dentist today and started thinking how it would be loki going to the dentist with Elliot 😂

summary: a trip to the dentist becomes a little more than it should have.

warnings: couple’s fighting, arguing, bad words, a tiny bit angsty, and sum nice fluff afterwards

a/n: this wasn’t supposed to turn into this giant not completely fluffy one shot but suddenly it was 3am and whoops here we are

i really enjoyed writing my first first between you and Loki? it’s neat to get in his head and think about what he might get mad about, triggers, how he would be angry, etc. so i got a lil carried away. enjoy!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You really should’ve known better than to bring Loki to Elliot’s dentist appointment.

The moment the poor old dentist picks up the little handheld drill and approaches Elliot in the chair, Loki has him by the throat dangling a good twelve inches off the ground.

“LOKI! STOP IT!!”

The dentist’s glasses go flying when Loki slams him against the wall, eyes raging; “how dare you threaten my child?!”

Utter chaos ensues.

Nurses come running, someone is screaming into the phone—shit, they’re calling the police—Elliot bursts into laughter, you’re grabbing Loki’s arm and screaming at him to put the poor guy down, and the dentist is absolutely petrified; naturally, considering Loki looks (uh…is) ready to kill him.

“Stop it, Loki, stop that right now!” You screech, hitting his arm and tugging at his waist but the god doesn’t budge, his grip tightening around the dentist’s throat. “Do NOT kill this man!”

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t dismember you as we speak,” he spits in the dentist’s face, and you know that’s the only response you’re going to get; he’s much too blinded by the idea of the man threatening to harm his son.

“He’s a dentist, Loki, just a dentist!! He isn’t threatening Elliot!”

“He dares to approach my son with that weapon and expects us to sit idly by?! You disgusting creature,” he hisses and slams the dentist back into the wall. Elliot giggles, much to your concern, eagerly clapping his little hands and watching his dad. “I will ensure that you pay dearly for this, preying on the young and helpless—”

“LOKI WILL YOU PUT HIM DOWN ALREADY?”

The whole scene screeches to a halt and every head in the room turns to stare at you; except little Elliot, who is still excitedly watching his father reluctantly drop the terrified dentist to the floor.

“Sorry…will you excuse us for a moment?” You wrap your fingers around his wrist and yank him out into the waiting room, ignoring the other family sitting there that jumps when you shove Loki into a corner and point a threatening finger in his chest. “What the hell was that?!”

“That man threatened our child!” He’s still raging and flings a hand at the door you just came from, then points an angry finger right back at you. “You are not reacting nearly as much as you ought to, being the mother of our child!”

“Excuse me? Oh I’m sorry, was I supposed to join you when you started strangling that poor man in front of our kid?”

“Yes!”

The couple pretending not to overhear pick up their little girl and nonchalantly scoot a couple more seats away from the two of you.

“No! It’s a goddamn dentist, genius! You didn’t need to start throwing him into walls—”

“He threatened our son!” Loki rakes his hands through his hair, gritting his teeth; why aren’t you as upset about this as he is?!

But you can’t even comprehend why Loki would do something like this, why he is so angry, and why he’s now yelling at you too, in the lobby of a children’s dental clinic. “He’s just trying to clean his teeth!”

Loki’s jaw drops. “Why are you defending him, wife?!”

“Because he’s just a dentist, Loki, a f—”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS!”

Your finger freezes in the air jabbing at his chest and you gape at your husband—that makes a lot of sense, actually.

“I—oh.” Guilt starts to spread through you; of course he wouldn’t know what a dentist is. He’s not exactly from around here, and have you seen the guy’s teeth? Pearly white and annoyingly perfect. The god has probably never even heard of such a thing as braces or cavities. “I’m sorry, babe. I had no idea you didn’t know.”

“Clearly,” he hisses, crossing his arms and glaring at you. “And now I’m the fool. Are you going to educate me or not, mortal?”

Oh crap. He’s actually mad, his eyes flashing and he just called you “mortal”—and not in a cute way.

“Hey, ease up a bit.” You put your hands up in defence, trying not to shrink under his piercing gaze and clenched jaw. “I didn’t know you didn’t know what a dentist was, it’s kinda something everyone knows!”

“How was I supposed to?” Loki shouts, throwing his hands out in exasperation as sarcasm drips from his voice. “I don’t know if you realise this, but you and I are entirely different beings, so thank you so much for taking my ignorance into consideration.”

“Well no shit, Loki, I should have warned you, but—”

“But what? Aren’t you enjoying this? Feeling above me, with all my stupidity?” He’s leering down at you now, a sick smile on his face as he mocks you.

“Loki, stop it, I said I’m sorry—”

“You like knowing more than a god, hm?” He takes a step closer to you, leaning menacingly over you as he gives a sour laugh.

“You’re not even letting me say anything, I’m trying to help y—”

“Oh, shut up, you love this power trip. It feels good to laugh at a higher being, doesn’t it?”

“That’s it.” You slap his pointed, mocking finger away from you and step away from him, giving him the most disappointed look you can manage. “I’m going back in there to clean up yet another one of your messes, and to be with our son while he’s just getting his fucking teeth cleaned.”

Loki doesn’t say anything, just firmly clenches his jaw and stares at you, his breathing jagged. “Fine.”

“Fine? Really,” you laugh bitterly, “that’s all you have to say?”

His nostrils flare as he glares down at you but his teeth stay gritted together, bared in what can only be described as a snarl.

“Fine.” You give a short laugh of disbelief at his silence, shaking your head. “When you’ve gotten that ginormous head of yours out of your ass,” you turn and storm off to the room your son is in, spitting the last words back at your husband over your shoulder, “then you can come home.”

The door swings shut behind you and the waiting room falls completely silent; the little family now cowering in the corner is pretending like they didn’t hear any of the argument that had just taken place, and the young guy at the front desk is staring at a blank computer screen, eyes nervously flicking over to the silently fuming god every few seconds.

Loki can hear his heart pounding as he glares around the room, daring anyone to approach him, and he clenches his hands into two burning, shaking fists by his sides. A surge of angered energy is emitted from his whole body, and the stack of magazines on the centre table crashes to the ground as chairs around him go flying into the walls.

The little girl with her parents in the corner bursts into tears, and Loki storms out the door without so much as a second look behind him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Where’s daddy?”

Elliot keeps asking the same question over and over again, happily sucking on a lollipop that’s turning his lips blue in the backseat of the car.

“I don’t know, sweetie,” you tell him once again, your grip on the steering wheel a little too tight. “Hopefully he’s waiting for us at home.”

He falls quiet for a moment with your answer, the only sounds in the car being the soft clicking of your turn signal. Your mind is frankly in shambles right now, because when you had finally left the dentist after apologising to the entire staff and trying to give an excuse for your husband, he wasn’t waiting outside for you. Loki wasn’t anywhere to be found, and after waiting a while for him to come back, you’d decided to just take your son back home.

All that is going through your mind are the awful, horrid things you had said to Loki, everything you shouldn’t have ever said to him. Of course you regret it. Everything. Telling him it was his mess, making him feel in any way belittled for not knowing what a dentist is, calling him bigheaded…you blink back a few angry tears.

But Loki is just as much at fault for your little…you don’t want to call it a fight. But that’s exactly what it was, and he had definitely overreacted and let his pride get the better of him, resulting in one of the worst fights you’ve ever had—and it was in the lobby of a dentist office. So. stupid. Now he’s god knows where, and you can only hope he regrets what he said as much as you do.

“Maybe daddy left cause he got scared of the dentist? I didn’t like the dentist my first time either!”

You almost want to laugh at the kid’s cute suggestion, but your heart feels too hollow to give Elliot anything more than a sad half-smile in the rear view mirror. “Maybe. But daddy’s pretty brave.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, but when you look at him in the mirror, he’s deep in thought staring at his lollipop. “Did I do somethin’ bad? Daddy said we’d get ice cream after my ‘pointment, but he’s gone.”

Oh, Loki, we fucked up big time. You want to cry and I don’t know, punch the steering wheel at your son’s question, but you just grip it tighter and squeeze your eyes shut for a moment. That little fight did a million times more damage than it should have, and now your four year old son is blaming himself, and you have no idea where your husband is—all you know is that he’s mad at you.

“No, no, you didn’t do anything, Elliot. It’s not your fault,” you assure him, reaching back to give his knee a comforting squeeze. “Daddy’s not very happy with me right now, actually.”

“He’s mad at you?”

“…a little bit, yes.” You sigh and pull into your driveway, turning off the car and twisting in your seat to look at your son. “I said some things that I shouldn’t have said, and dad did too, so he left to go calm down.”

Hopefully.

Elliot mulls over your words for a bit, not sure how he feels about this, and you can’t blame him. You and Loki hardly ever even argue, and you never, ever do so in front of your son.

“…but daddy still loves us, right?”

Okay, your heart didn’t need to be shattered like that. You silently curse your husband for making Elliot even think thoughts like this—but you can only curse yourself, too.

“Of course he does!” You unbuckle and reach back to grab Elliot’s hand, trying to give him a reassuring smile. “He is always going to love us. Especially you. He’s got a special little place in his heart that has your name on it, did you know that?”

That thankfully brings a bright smile to the little boy’s face, and he sticks his lollipop back in his mouth as he tries to unbuckle from his car seat. “It says Elliot on his heart,” he repeats, mostly talking to himself now. “E-double-L-i-o-t.”

“That’s right, kiddo.” Now you’re smiling too, this little mini-Loki just too much cuteness to handle. Elliot’s struggling with his seat belt and you start to open your door to go get him, but the front door of the house swings open and Loki sulks outside, his hands shoved in his pockets.

“Daddy!” Elliot waves his lollipop at him through the car window, and Loki acknowledges him with a tight-lipped smile. “See, mommy? He loves us. You’ll make it all better.”

“Yeah, we will…” your voice trails off as you watch Loki walk to Elliot’s door, avoiding your gaze the whole way, and he opens it and unbuckles his son.

“I’m sorry I had to leave,” he says, pointedly speaking only to the little boy he’s now setting on the ground. “Why don’t you go inside? We’ll be right in. I need to talk to your mother.”

Wonderful. You slump back in the drivers seat, crossing your arms and hoping he approaches this ordeal from a somewhat humble standpoint.

Elliot glances at you for a moment, his little mind racing to understand what’s going on, then he looks back at his dad and nods. “Please don’t be mad at my mommy,” he tells Loki, tugging on the hem of his shirt. “She likes you a whole lot.”

Honestly, how do either of you deserve this kid?

Something catches in Loki’s throat and he swallows hard at Elliot’s words, giving him a curt nod. You can hear him muttering under his breath as he ushers Elliot to the door: “I can only hope that’s still the case.”

Idiot.

You don’t look at him when he comes back and climbs in the passenger seat, crossing his arms and fixing his gaze straight forward. No one talks. The tense silence fills the whole car as you both sit there waiting for the other person to speak first, and neither of you will look at the other. You dare a glance over at his crossed arms, his fingertips digging into his own biceps—good, he seems conflicted.

You sigh and look down at your hands in your laps, deciding to make the grown-up decision and just speak first. “Okay, of course I still like you—” you mutter at the exact same time as Loki blurts out “I am so, so sorry—”

“Sorry, go on,” he mumbles and waves a hand to tell you to continue.

“No, no, I liked where yours was going.” It comes out a little more sour than you intended, and you catch Loki’s face fall out of the corner of your eye. “Sorry,” you wince, “um, you first?”

He nods, casting his gaze to his lap where he’s picking absentmindedly at the palm of his left hand. The beginnings of a tiny smile start tugging at your lips and you reach over to take his hand in yours, twining your fingers between his. “I thought you were trying to stop doing that.”

“What?” He freezes when you grab his hand, staring at it with a confused look when you give him a light squeeze.

“Picking at your hands when you’re nervous.”

He scowls and pulls his hand away from you, crossing his arms and turning to stare out the window, looking far too similar to a little kid throwing a tantrum. “I am not nervous. What could I possibly be scared of in this situation, you?”

“Unbelievable,” you mutter and throw your hands in the air in defeat; this healthy discussion has started out wonderfully. Already the giant ego has shown up again, rejecting your attempt to fix the situation and sending Loki spiralling back down into the sarcastic, closed off, troubled mind you worked so hard to brighten.

He’d been so close to apologising, but now his arrogant ass is raging at you—again.

“‘Unbelievable?’ You think I am unbelievable?!” Loki bangs a fist against the door of the car before glancing at you for a split second; he seems to decide better of it and looks away from you again, going back to his sarcastic anger. “Oh, no, I’m just your stupid husband, trying not to ‘lose my way’ around this trash heap of a planet—” his wildly sarcastic hand gestures and jeering tone have your blood boiling yet again.

“Yes! You are un-fucking-believable!” You shout, cutting him off. “Yeah, you should be scared of me! You should be terrified that maybe one day I’ll get tired of your shit and pack up and leave, you arrogant little—”

“No, but you wouldn’t do that, would you!” He gasps in mock surprise, a hand to his chest as he turns to you. “I make you feel too good, don’t I? I make you feel too smart, validated, so needed, thinking you’ve managed to claim yourself a god!” He shakes his head with a cold laugh. “You know, it all makes perfect sense, now, why you claim to want me. You’re just basking in the glory of my ignorance, using me to set you upon some sick throne so you feel needed—”

SMACK.

“Shut up.”

Your hand stings from the burn of his cheekbone on your palm, but you just close your hand into a tight, shaking fist. “Just shut your fucking mouth.”

He’s stunned, mouth hanging open as he slowly brings his head back to stare at you, an angry red mark on his cheek. You hadn’t even slapped him that hard, just to try to knock some sense into him, and you know he couldn’t even feel any pain from your slap anyways with his whole “godly power” he seems to be so obsessed with right now.

But the principle of it…

You just slapped him. You want to break down in tears so badly but not right now, not when he’s in front of you and being so cold.

You’ve rendered him speechless, bringing a hand up to gingerly feel where you slapped him without breaking his dumbfounded gaze with you.

“Are you finished?” Your voice shakes ever so slightly but you try to sound threatening and unaffected by what you just did. “Anything…anything else you’d like to say to me? Your wife?”

When he speaks again, his voice is quiet and low, barely a hiss through gritted teeth, but you swear it sounds almost broken.

“You do know I feel no pain at your hand, yes?” He’s still holding a hand to his cheek, even though he felt nothing more than a slight tickle at your hit, his troubled eyes piercing into yours. “I’m afraid you’ll have to try harder next time.”

“Next time?” Your jaw drops in shock. “Loki, you think there’s going to be a next time?”

“At the rate you and I seem to be communicating, without a doubt.”

You raise your hand again as the split second thought of slapping him again flits through your mind; what has gotten into him? But you immediately change your mind when Loki notices you preparing and closes his eyes with a tiny wince, turning his head slightly to expose his cheek to you once again, already expecting the next blow.

Your heart twists at his reaction; where did you go wrong, to make him think you’re using him? Instead of dropping your hand, you reach out to gently place your hand against his cheek, running your thumb over the mark still burning. He lets out a short, stuttering breath when he feels your touch, gentle this time, almost exhaling in relief.

“Loki. I didn’t do that to hurt you,” you say, your voice quiet. “I know it won’t. If it did I would never have done that.”

“You could never cause me physical pain, no matter how hard you try.” He finally opens his eyes and looks at you, and you’re horrified—but also shamefully relieved—to see his eyes are becoming bloodshot as he fights back tears.

“You really think I want to?” You wipe away the first stray tear from his cheek with the pad of your thumb.

“…do you?”

He’s picking at his hands again.

You take one of his in your open hand, stopping the nervous habit and slipping your fingers between his. “Oh my god…Loki, never.”

The two of you slip into an uncomfortable silence again, each of you wondering what needs to be done, what needs to be changed or said to fix this. You’re still holding his hand, your fingers tight between his, and he’s slowly, slowly twitching his fingers down to curl around your hand as well.

“I don’t know where to begin.”

His voice cuts through the stale, silent air in the car straight to your heart, and you glance up at him. “Some kind of apology would be nice.”

“I’m sorry.”

You sigh and shake your head. “I’m gonna need you to be more specific than that, Loki. But…I’ll give you a minute. I’ll go first.”

He gives you a grateful nod, listening.

“I’m sorry too,” you start, swallowing your pride and trudging on. “It was wrong of me to make you feel in any way stupid, or, or ignorant for not knowing something. And…for everything I said. It was so insensitive.”

The god gives your hand a reassuring squeeze instead of responding, chewing on his bottom lip as he listens.

“And I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Loki, for slapping you.” You look at him, wishing he would meet your gaze, but he just stares down at your intertwined hands. “I only did that to try and get you to wake up, and…and I think it was warranted.”

“In every way,” he agrees, finally looking at you. “Thank you for doing that. I think I needed it, I was being a bit…hostile.”

“To say the least…” you chuckle under your breath and he gives a quiet huff of laughter, too.

He twists in his seat to face you, taking both your hands in his and holding them tightly. “I am sorry for treating you like this. For speaking to you in such a disgusting manner, I-I’m ashamed to think of the lies I yelled at you.”

You try to flash him a half-smile for encouragement; it’s clearly difficult for him to be saying this, but he’s so focused on telling you the right words and trying so hard, it’s working on you anyways.

“I am so sorry for doubting you, for accusing you, for blaming you, for forcing you to suffer at the hands of my swollen ego, for forgetting—” his voice breaks and he chokes, quickly trying to cover it up and finishing in a shameful whisper. “—for forgetting to love you.”

Now your eyes are starting to sting with tears, because the way he’s looking at you, clutching your hands as if you might actually go through with your threat and leave him, his eyes are so bare and trusting, pleading with you to take him back.

“I love you,” he mumbles, “you have to know that. I am absolutely horrid at showing it and even worse at saying it, but I do, I truly do love you.”

“I know you do,” you assure him, giving him a teary smile. “I love you too, so damn much, no matter what you do.”

“You really shouldn’t.” Loki tries to return your smile but his face falters under your gaze.

“Go on, stop me.”

That gets a halfhearted grin on his face, and he brings a hand up to cradle the side of your face, running his thumb along your cheekbone. “Don’t tempt me.”

You pull away from his reach and throw open the car door, jumping out and running over to his side before he can even say anything. Ripping open his door, you fling yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck and burying your face in his chest. “No more fights, ever, okay?”

Loki’s in shock from your sudden movements, but he quickly wraps his arms around you too, trying to slide out of his seat in the car so he can hold you properly. Once his feet are on the pavement, his arms tighten around you and his head drops to your shoulder, turning slightly to whisper in your ear. “Never again.”

He wants to stay there forever, holding you tighter than he probably should, but who cares; he feels like he almost lost you. But he pulls away abruptly much too soon, his hands on either shoulder to look at you. “Elliot!”

Ah yes. That little angel.

“I think we both owe him an apology.” You nudge Loki’s arm as you begin the walk up to the front door side by side, and he nods, reaching for your hand.

“Actually, I owe him an ice cream, too,” he chuckles, lightly swinging your intertwined hands back and forth between you. “Which reminds me, are you ever going to explain to me what a dentist is?”

“Oh! Yeah, of course,” you laugh, leaning into his side as you walk. “It’s a doctor or healer or whatever you want to call them that like, work specifically on teeth. Well, the whole mouth, really.” 

“Hmm.” He appears to be deep in thought with this new information as you reach for the doorknob, but he tugs your hand and spins you back around to face him.

“Ooh! Well hey there,” you giggle when he catches you and pulls you flush against his chest, grinning down at you and swaying gently from side to side. “What’s this?”

He leans down to rest his forehead against yours, running his hands up and down your back. “I should think I’d like to be a dentist.”

A commotion behind the front door cuts him off as something crashes and you hear a little voice yell “oh NO! I gotta clean that up!” Then footsteps rushing away from whatever mess was just made.

Loki just laughs at your terrified face and doesn’t let you go, pointing at the window next to the door. “He’s fine. And it appears we have an audience now.”

You follow his finger to see Elliot’s face smushed up against the glass, getting handprints all over it as he shoots you both a huge grin and waves. “Did’ya kiss and make up?!” He yells through the glass.

Loki winks at him and holds up a finger, telling him to wait one moment, then turns back to you. “Have I told you how much I love that little boy?”

“I think the feeling is mutual,” you laugh, looking up at him expectantly. “You never finished, why on earth would you want to be a dentist?”

Your husband throws his head back with a laugh, then slips a hand behind your neck to pull you closer as he leans down.

“Because I do enjoy studying your mouth,” he whispers, and he closes the gap between your lips, muffling your hysterical laughter at that terrible, god-awful dad joke.

As you lose yourself to a kiss that’s more laughter than anything, you can hear Elliot start cheering, his yells and clapping muffled behind the window.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

hope you enjoyed, feel free to send me ideas!

loki tags: @bluediamond007 @himitoshi @drakesfiance@destiel1597@dangertoozmanykids101 @archy3001 @jcalpha1 @yzssie@skullvieplu @forthesnakeofdragons @skulliebythesea@wegingerangelica @storiesfrommirkwood @agarwaeneth @adaliamalfoy@laurfangirl424 @paradisaicsam @fitzsimmons-is-forever @ladylokimischief @katelinwrites @tarynkauai @polaristrange @loavesofmeat @canadian-ravenpuff-multishipper @lou-makes-me-strong @holyn0vak@chocolatealmondmillk @swtnrholland@kenzieam @jessiejunebug @catticas@the-republic-and-face-of-texas @doralupin01 @whitewitchdown@atomiccharmer @falconfeather23435  @babygirlicecream @avengrcs @vethrvolnir2 @bookgirlunicorn @wabisabigrl @myhealingstar @khaleesi-marvel @ei77777 @spacecrumbs @scarlettrosella @rocks-are-pretty-odd  @confessionsofastrugglingteen

[ofmontys]

“ —  and if you’re just tuning in now, you’ve made it just in time for our ‘ sleep with me ’ segment. nightfall has sufficiently fueled my ego and i’m reared and ready to go, compiling a playlist curated to get one lucky, hand-picked bastard in bed with me. tonight’s submission comes from camila, age 18 2/3, from two towns over. ” rustling paper. a delighted scoff. “ tonight, as per camila’s request, i’ll be attempting to seduce vincent van gogh.  vince, this is acid ghost’s ‘ the artist’s high ’, also known as what i hope i can be for you. ”

or, alternatively :   yo yo, my dudes! the name’s linc (19/est/she&her) and you just witnessed an excerpt from bez holmes’s  radio show quite appropriately named, ‘ fuckin’ hell ! ’  that airs weekdays and sundays from 7pm to 8am! 

i am absolutely stoked out of my mind to write with all of y’all! beneath the read more you’ll find a very unapologetically messy introduction to my strange son, killian beelzebub holmes !

* TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET & CISMALE / / here we’ve got KILLIAN BEELZEBUB HOLMES , the TWENTY-ONE year old LOCAL RADIO HOST. with a reputation for being + SLY, + ANOMALOUS, - OSSIFIED, and - RECKLESS, it’s surprising we haven’t heard more about him. BEZ has been around faulk hollow for TEN YEARS, but they ain’t leaving anytime soon. you hear ME AND MICHAEL by MGMT? that means you’ll see ‘em soon. 

“road work ahead? uh, yeah, i sure hope it does!” ( alternatively: bez holmes, a roadmap. )

so bez is… kind of a nutcase. he’s just… he’s that guy in the bar who seems so desirable. voice like warmed honey, a smile that could kill – but dear lord, don’t get close to him. he’s fucked in the head. and unless you’re prepared for that, friendships/relationships with him can get... pretty darn overwhelming.

he’s a host at the local radio station, so he curates the music and talks through little segments throughout the day. well, i should say night -- because the show he’s known for occurs weekdays and sunday nights from 7pm - 8am. weird hours. weird guy. so it all clicks right into place! people tune in for the music ( a lot of indie eclectic vibes ) but also his personality. bez tends to veer off-script a lot, which both aggravates and amuses his superiors. he’s basically the only reason the tiny radio station is still alive & kickin’, so what are they gonna do to him, huh? fire him and take the whole station down with that bullshit move? not likely. so bez’ll keep doing and saying whatever the hell he wants on air, thank you very much.

can he get... a mfing... cinnamon raisin waffle???  dude’s friggin’ obsessed. don’t mess with his waffles, man. waffles don’t play.

has a knack for stumbling into stupid situations. y’know how there’s two kinds of people in this world? the kinds that act upon the universe and the kinds the universe acts upon? bez is that guy in textbook math probelms who has 42 apples for no apparent reason. he’s the dude in on top of spaghetti all covered with cheese whose poor meatball fuckin’ rolled out the door. things happen to bez holmes no matter how much he might try to convince you otherwise. his whole life is just a string of varied ( and usually nonchalant/unbothered/troublingly chill ) reactions to crazy shit.

case in point:  why did the holmes family move to faulk hollow? well. their old house had like... a freakin’ meltdown. yes, the house. it swallowed their dog. and their mom. casual... house-y things. but when people ask, bez and his father like to say they just wanted to “ see the sights ”. and apparently faulk hollow was one of those.

[ tw: death, murder mentions ]   basically, faulk hollow offered a place for them to disappear, since the disappearance of bez’s mother couldn’t exactly be explained to and/or believed by police. bez’s father is wanted for her murder. so they friggin’ skrrt skrrted out of iowa and plopped down here, under the radar. “holmes” is an adopted last name.

so bez has been here since his 11th birthday! honestly, he probably earned a reputation pretty quick for being that kid who’d, like, “hey buddy!” at all the insects on the playground.  “ do you believe in magic? ” was often his best icebreaker.

so... fun fact. he accidentally inherited his dead dentist’s vintage jukebox. yes, i know how that sounds, and it’s exactly that. but dear lord, that thing has just been infinitely fucking with him since the day it showed up on his doorstep three months ago. more about that later!

an example of a normal occurrence in bez’s life: “hey. so, uh… i know we just met, and maybe this is moving fast? but i saw this keychain in walgreens and it made me think of you. so… yeah. here. tell anyone i did anything nice for you and you’re dead to me tho.”

he seems smart. he seems so cunning, you guys. like, holy shit, he makes these deep ass statements on the air and curates music that makes people feel things. but don’t be fooled. he’ll drive wearing shades at 10pm just to look cool, all while bumping 80′s glam rock from his blue ‘67 impala. he’ll do that cliché head bop at stoplights, encourage other drivers to join in.

don’t call him killian!! killian who?? his parents gave him “beelzebub” as a middle name to be funny and fuck with his mother’s father, who was a pastor. what they didn’t bank on was four-year-old bez insisting on being called by it – you can guess how well that went over with his teachers and his peers. so to appease them, he accepted the nickname “bez” and has gone mainly by that ever since. most people probably don’t know his true first name, since he goes by “bez” on the air. but close friends and trusted individuals might occasionally call him “kill” or something to that effect.

pets are not bez’s thing. every houseplant he’s had has died. succulents wilt in his presence too, and he thinks maybe at this point, it’s a running joke among plantkind because his birth name has the worldkill in it. still, even with his track record, he has a fish named nigel. nigel dislikes affection and bez. they engage in staredowns and silent mental warfare. bez often “forgets” to feed nigel or change the water in his tank, but that fish just will not die. nigel’s probably just truckin’ on to spite him.

aggressively writes the wrong date for like… 8 months following new year’s. so he finally gets it right for the final ¼, and then the cycle begins again. additionally, cannot keep the days of the week straight. he’s started a multi-song alarm campaign in an attempt to rectify this situation. bez’ll report his findings in a week. if he remembers.

one time he got pulled over for speeding back from the radio station at 7 in the morning, and you know what he did? he freakin’ offered the cop some hard shit from his flask and some of his opened bag of funions. so the two of them got tastefully buzzed in bez’s car and talked about the kardashians for two hours. and it was through that very conversation that bez learned he’d been doing a very shit job of keeping up with them.

scared of birds. yes. those things? with the wings? terrified. how dare they occupy space above his head. how dare they swoop and swerve all around. no. his neighbor in iowa had a parakeet. maybe that bird finally went missing one day, while they were on vacation. maybe it escaped. to like, the afterlife. maybe bez helped. maybe.

he’s really bad at like … taking care of himself? funions, candy, and takeout forever.  what do you mean raisin bran crunch isn’t a wholesome, well-rounded meal? you mean you’re not supposed to pour the entire carafe of syrup on your waffles every time? someone… pls fix that.

hella prone to bullshit! like… did you know aliens are real? yeah. really. hey did you check your horoscope today? what zodiac sign are you? he’ll pretend to know what zodiac he is like: hey, uh… listen .. . if your zodiac is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend… i’m a caprisun & it’s just not gonna work out. sorry.

memorizes commercial jingles. will sing them to prove points.

“what the fuck’s a kanye” - bez holmes, 2k18

“a mug shot? i don’t even drink coffee.” ( alternatively: more pointless headcanons because apparently i think this is necessary. )

don’t be fooled by the title of this section. he drinks coffee. a lot of coffee. with a lot of sugar added to it. could probably kill a horse, tbh. he’s not sorry.

his signature half-smirk drives folks mad. he also has a collection of faithful listeners who like to call in and tell him how soothing his voice is.

lowkey writes his own music? lowkey was in a band called ashes when he was 13; it lasted about 6 seconds. lowkey has a few things recorded on his laptop? but he’ll never actually do anything with ‘em.

owns an unironic walkman! enjoys it immensely! i know!

catch him in the local 24 hour diner spending his life savings on cinnamon raisin waffles and dimes for the jukeboxes! because LMAO, he’s not using the old one at his place!!!

convinced said old, stupid, 1947 jukebox in his apartment lays host to goblins. that thing shakes and quakes at odd hours. it’ll play shitty pop music that isn’t even in the dumb catalogue. sometimes it lights up when he trips over his own feet or accidentally burns his microwave popcorn. the fuckin’ thing is possessed and it’s mocking him. so, naturally, what is there to do but appease the tiny beings inside it?? he makes biweekly sacrifices to it – mainly consisting of snack foods, candies, a casual sprinkling of his own blood. y’know. casual.

super into space? honestly would love to grab sushi with an alien sometime?

uh…  he’s convinced everyone he sleeps with kind of mysteriously dies exactly 53 hours after. maybe that was inspired by like... two isolated incidents. but you can see how this is… kind of a problem, for a guy who likes to sleep around from time to time. is he a murderer? uhm, no, not exactly – but he’s grown kind of immune to the guilt at this point. he stalks obituaries a couple days after his one-night-stands, just to check. so far, it hasn’t been a 100% consistent thing, but... he’s worried. he’ll still leave the bar with you tho. ;)

he’s trying out this whole new thing of like… not going all the way? trying to save lives? but it’s really difficult and he’s losing resolve. he also can’t exactly tell his buddies, “ stop introducing me to your hot friends; if i fuck them, they’re dead. ” that probably wouldn’t go over well. he’s got enough crazy on his plate trying to appease the damn goblins.

consistently blindsided by genuinely liking other people? so if he’s into you... he’s gonna look awestruck and baffled like 99% of the time your face is within a 1-mile radius.

he’s always running his hands through his hair, which just adds to his #indiegrungeaesthetic, if i’m honest.

“girl, you’re thicker than a bowl of oatmeal!” (alternatively: wanted plots.)

childhood neighbor / best friend.   i would love to have a person ( or several )  who knew him growing up (from age 11 on), and kind of got to bear witness to how strange he’s become? maybe even be weirdos together? i dunno, let’s talk. we

past relationships.   i imagine he’s had his fair share of flings in the past. he’s made many mistakes for sure. let’s uncover them.

close friends.   #squadgoals. but really, though. i’d love for bez to have a tightknit group of 3-4 people who he just clicks with. they wreak havoc, but it’s all in good fun.

enemies.    i would love to have an enemies plot that’s actually hilarious? like one tiny thing catapulted these two into a mutual, deep, to-the-bones kind of hatred. it’s irrational, but they’re so infuriated by one another’s presence that all they can do is think of stupid quips and glare from afar. i imagine their public interactions bring onlookers a lot of poorly stifled laughs, because it’s just like… they’re so obviously trying so hard to hate one another with absolutely zero grounds.

miscellaneous.  maybe they got his mail and returned it to his door, and it sparked the beginning of a beautiful friendship. maybe they met in the park when this person’s dog peed on bez’s shoe. maybe they’re a frequent listener to bez’s show and they bonded over that? or perhaps they both enjoy engaging in semi-friendly grocery store competitions to see who can get to the ripest apples the quickest? anything’s possible!

chris! is that a weed?!  smoke with him, my dudes!! or like, anything? my guy’s not shy about investing in “life enhancements”.

but yes come message me on here for plots or hmu for my discord! so hype!

[pirate-queen-randomness]

Prompt List of  Solangelo One Shots:

This list of 32 prompts can be used by anyone wanting to create work on A03, send me a link if you are going to use it so I can see them as well if you want!

- Where one person is famous and sets up a dating account with their real picture and the other sees it and is like, oh dude you are not fooling anyone with that picture and when they actually meet the other is pissed because DUDE YOU’RE THAT FAMOUS PERSON and the other is like, yeah, I mean, I thought you knew…

- I’m egging a random person’s house to relieve stress and you join me and as it is your ex’s and now they are chasing us as well as the police and now we’re both in jail waiting to be bailed so um you want to talk about it?

- Supernatural High School AU Vampire!Nico/Witch!Will. We meet because I need a vile of vampire venom for a potion and my demon best friend said you’re the person to talk to.

- We’re both in the brass section of the marching band and you never stop making ‘horny’ puns.

- You think I always forget pencils in this class, but I just want to talk to you and now have a little over 200 pencils at home.

- I’m a single parent bringing my kid to school and you run the overpriced ice cream cart and keep guilt tripping me into buying your expensive shit for my kid but I swear I didn’t see you walking beside us and I just wanted to make my daughter happy by driving through the biggest puddle in the road later on.

- Solangelo as thieves who accidentally try to rob a bank at the same time and team up. Nico complimenting how sexy Will looks while weaving their way through an intricate network of deadly lasers. Nico then as soon as Will makes it across, turns off the lasers and just walks through.

- I was walking by the roller coasters and SOMEONE’S SHOE FLEW OFF AND HIT ME IN THE HEAD.

- We are panicked yelling in unison because of lost baggage in between connecting flights and now we’re stuck-in-an-airport-because-the-flights-were-SO-VERY-delayed-and-it’s-like-two-am. When the plane does come; we’re sitting next to each other on this plane and I was eating gummies, but I left all the red ones cause they’re absolute shit and now you’re asking if you can have them.

- It’s the middle of the night and I’m walking home alone in the dark and there’s this guy following me and he’s starting to gain on me and I found this phone booth with a lock on the door and I tried to call my best friend, but my hands were shaking so badly I accidentally dialled the wrong number and I don’t even know you but help me.

- I was super pissed, so I went to the gym even though it’s late at night, so I was the only one there and I was at the punching bag listening to music and you surprised me by tapping me on the shoulder, holy shit I didn’t mean to punch you, I’m so sorry, but seriously why the hell would you surprise SOMEONE WHO IS ANGRY AND PUNCHING THINGS. It turns out you always come to this gym to work out because holy god you can’t stop watching me training because it’s so hot.

- The mailman constantly mixes up your home address and mine together and keeps on sending me your letters and packages and I’m sorry I look through them, but I read some letters from your ex and oh my god do you want me to go with you to police or something?

- What do you mean I didn’t try to pick-pocket you your butt is just amazing?

- We’re neighbours who don’t really talk but your cat might have gotten my cat pregnant, so we must raise this little kitty family together.

- I decided to take a shortcut home that involves crawling through a tight hole in a fence and I end up getting stuck and you just happen to past by and after poking fun at me for a million years you finally decide to try and help me.

- It’s 2am and I was just trying to get home, but I left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and I drove into a pole – would you please stop laughing you’re a cop. you’re supposed to be helping.

- I went out to throw the garbage in the most unflattering clothes and there was a flash from a camera and for a good five minutes I was trying to fight you because I thought you were going to make fun of me/perving, but it turns out you found a pretty butterfly near where I was.

- I’m in the library researching for this giant assignment that’s 90% of my grade I haven’t slept or gotten anything besides coffee in two days I am going to explode in rage if you don’t shut the fuck up this SECOND. Turns out you and your friends have been playing the penis game in the library for the last five minutes and none of you have gotten above a quiet yell and I’m really just trying to study over here so I’m going to put an end to this by winning the game

- You’re so attractive but every time you open your mouth I want to strangle you how did you end up in my apartment exactly how many tequila shots did I have last night. Also, why are you sitting in my living room with a goat in a poncho, and how did you get the goat in here since I live on the 12th floor?

- Its 4 am and I’m drunk as fuck in a McDonalds and you have been watching my trying to eat this burger for 30 minutes; want to help me?

- Were at a club and although you’re a shitty dancer your also really fucking adorable so I decide to say hi and you end up accidentally hitting me in the face and fucking hell I think you broke my nose.

- A toddler broke your nose and I may or may not have snapped my thumb during a very intense game of Mario Kart and now we’re both sitting next to each other in the hospital waiting room watching my best friend try to fight your best friend for the next appointment.

- I’m scared of the dentist, so I brought my best friend along for support, but they’ve been flirting with the dentist for the past fifteen minutes and now I’m third wheeling at my own dentist appointment and hallucinating on the drugs.

- Army man & nurse/therapist I’m supposed to see but man fuck off. shit you’re cute

- It’s exam week and I run a coffee shop near the campus and you walked right into my glass door I’m laughing so hard oh my god. You start coming in regular and a friend says the only reason the cafe is popular now is because people enjoy eating while watching our relentless flirting with each other, but I swear to God we’re not flirting because you never talk much, but now these two assholes are harassing me and you step in and defend me. I really like you and I thought you liked me back until you walked in here with a date later on and whoops would you look at that I keep spilling stuff on them.

- Black Friday/black coffee: you’re sitting in front of the only plug in this entire coffee shop and not using it. I don’t care how attractive you are, I’m sitting at your table because I need that plug au.

- I work at a public market and some viral advertising campaign is filming videos across from my stall. And therefore, blocking my stall. Listen, buddy, I know you’re just doing your job, but this is getting ridiculous- oh shit you’re cute and its turns out you actually only work in the new stall next to mine and neither of us can get any work done because of the film crew so…hey?

- We both work at the same company and I kind of had a crush on you until I found out that you were the thieving asshole that kept stealing my lunch from the office refrigerator so now we’re in a meeting where there’s a semi-formal dress code and I’m slaying in my outfit, but you showed up in jeans and a sweatshirt and I’m really trying not to go over and get on to you for it and your actions. So, I just vent a little to my friend and you heard us I’m so sorry I didn’t want to be rude or anything- but seriously dude? / I forgot about the dress code at this meeting and can tell you’re bothered by it and now I’m torn between feeling bad about my clothes and being amused at your indignant reaction and I’m the sarcastic techie who got dragged into running your stupid presentation before suddenly we’ve been taken hostage Die Hard style.

- We take the same elevator every day and due to a misunderstanding, I assumed you didn’t speak English and I’ve been talking to my friend about how hot you are for three weeks and apparently my friend has known from the start, but you agreed not to tell me because you both think it’s hilarious what the fuck.

- Guest/Talk show host who flirt, do you do this with everyone? it’s been a week and oh my god, our fans are shipping us

- I understand that you’re my bodyguard but that was a freaking FRISBEE not a nuclear bomb Jesus Christ - Hey why are you still on top of me and why have I not noticed how beautiful you are?

- We somehow got stuck overnight in an ikea and I just want to go to sleep in one of the display beds but you’re slowly convincing me that it’d be fun to see how much shit we can get into before the morning staff come to open up the store.

[verydeepthots]

funny silly lines

“my homie said you gotta write eloquently for catfish you better finesse that english language for them lovely ladies and bitch ni99as”

“my homie said lloyd banks said you gotta pop a listerine strip before you get all up in a bitch face”

“my homie said some of these bitch ni99as gotta watch The Craft to see what happens to foul play”  

“my homie said any dude that love poker too much don’t like sex he always wanna cover up”

“my homie said he bought his mom groceries... today was a good day”

“my homie said they can’t even fly away with them flaps between their legs”

“my homie said put that indie film Suicide Watch on that summer jam screen”

“my homie said even when a gangster angry he look scared”

“my homie said he wanna use red tape for foreplay with a fake gangster’s mother”

“my homie said he gonna tie a fake gangster hands with red tape and make him pray to a god of another religion”

“my homie said he gonna send fake gangsters pictures of their dead mothers to always stay connected”

“my homie said he wanna write suicide hotline on fake gangsters forehead in gold posca”

“my homie said he wanna hang snake ni99a from a tree using a real snake so it look like a natural death”

“my homie said fake gangsters remind him of childs play he wanna collect them all then play barbies with jail cell”

“my homie said to be blunt these fake gangsters are pointless”

“my homie said he gonna make fake gangsters wash their undies using their mother’s tears”

“my homie said how fake gangsters leave their mothers like that clearly didn't watch game 6″

“my homie said when they squeeze you out then you squeeze them in the world perfect like that”

“my homie said he sends love letters to fake gangsters then gets their mothers to sign them with the kindest regards in strictly faber castell”

“my homie said he makes reservations for a fake gangster at the jail cell and the graveyard so he can always meet them at the finish line... i always got you”

“my homie said he wanna give a fake gangster a headlock coz its the only way they gonna close it when he splits it open”

“my homie said he wanna ravage a fake gangster ass coz its technically not gay if he uses 1.5m metal cock extension he got the all clear from lgbt community”

“my homie said he still shakes enemy hands out of curiosity for what dick size they can handle for the next 50 odd years stuck in a jail cell... he's so futuristic”

“my homie said he bought a fake gangster’s mom baggy jean shorts for her birthday so they can mix n match together”

“my homie said they use more cover ups than a bitch now watch my rap flow wash em away”

“my homie said he took his parents out to dinner on a boring tuesday coz he's getting old and life is precious”

“my homie said he drinks green tea every sunday morning its his new thing”

“my homie said he didn't cry at his homie’s wedding and it still annoys him to this day”

“my homie said his friend’s kids look happy and that’s a good thing”

“my homie said that ni99a bitch went to handsome boy modelling school thats foul”

“my homie said that girl’s outfit is very considered for a sunday afternoon she's cool”

“my homie said he bought a fake gangster bootlegs to complete the whole personification of a needy bitch”

“my homie said if they like drip drip torture they should ask their girl”

“my homie said pinch a fake gangster on the ass and whisper they’ll never believe you when you get inside”

“my homie said he gonna bathe a fake gangster’s mother with holy water to let him know exactly what time it is boy boy”

“my homie said that a fake gangster is saving face so he can get skull fucked in jail” 

“my homie said he wanna make his mother proud and be dentist when he grow up so he can pull out a fake gangster’s grill to make it easier for him to get skull fucked to make it a smoove transition omg he always so thoughtful”

“my homie said even if they time travel they can’t keep up when he slow play”

“my homie said he gonna bring a ginger beer keg to a gangster funeral”

“my homie said a gangster suicide still cheaper than weekly groceries tight arses”

“my homie said he made a car crew drive around with helmets on they either shit scared or doing juggernaut cosplay and unfortunately won’t make menswear blog this week”

“my homie said there’s always bad apples so we gonna make them crumble”

“my homie said he wanna give early retirement to old haters then aeroplane spoon feed eggplant soup inspired by method man skit”

“my homie said he wanna make calipos from fake gangster tears to give to their mothers while they locked up”

“my homie said money ain’t a thang but a green light to a fire”

“my homie said their mothers got more heart”

“my homie said even gay dudes don’t want no jail time so what are these motherfuckers playing dumb”

“my homie said he guilt tripping all these bitch ni99as like a lawyer”

“my homie wanna give direct free kick to a fake gangster in honour of pras lyrics”

“my homie said if they steal money that’s just an investment for their momma funeral look at it as a good deed... love conquers all”

“my homie said he wanna buy tissue subscription for a fake gangster as a sexual favour”

“my homie said he wanna give a handie in pulling away a fake gangster’s manhood... he wylin for that one but so thoughtful of our future wellbeing”

“my homie said they injected themselves with too much pride serum they gonna overdose what a way to go out kekekeke”

“my homie said he undecided if he should get courtside at watching paint dry or watch this fake gangster indirectly plead with imma come see you but lets agree to disagree nah mean like im right here though ain’t i cmon man please”

“my homie said should he throw up the money to watch a fake gangster get slapped by his mother or let one of his gay homies do his thang thang”

“my homie said he told a fake gangster get up off your knees you ain’t paraplegic yet my guy”

“my homie said him and his girl re-enacted ghost scene making penis clay straws to give out to any next ni99a that wanna play up”

“my homie said we live in a beautiful world so he went out to go hang with his friends today he seems really happy”

“my homie said he sent a seed to every one of his haters so they can learn to grow without him”

“my homie said he sent a box of fresh oysters to his enemies locked away”

“my homie said he did knock and run at fake gangster’s door coz it was a sunny day and he didn't want either of them to stay inside and waste it... man he can be so thoughtful”

“my homie said some people do too much for street cred a homeless person got the most street cred they really out there”

“my homie said any ni99a that love poker more insecure than a bitch”

“my homie said he only eats fish fingers coz thats what he wants his life to be about”

“my homie said his aussie homie sculled a can of vb then spat that shit in the face of a fake gangster’s mother on the anniversary of 2pac in that red bandana”

“my homie said jealousy a trait you can never bounce back from”

“my homie said God don’t need to work in mysterious ways some of these ni99as already know their outcome”

“my homie said he wanna put one fake gangster in every jail in a capital city for all lives matter hashtag”

“my homie said he stick his long term goals up a hater’s ass”

“my homie said they only a thousand deep in a million man march we built differently”

“my homie said wrong one boy boy”

“my homie said he gonna make a crew wanna escape each other”

“my homie said if they need to build a case you got em”

“my homie said when they say i ain’t scared you already know”

“my homie said they rewrite history coz they don’t like they present” 

"my homie said he gonna waltz on your grave bro”

“my homie said they snakes before their sweet sixteen now bitter for their 40s”

“my homie said he put a hater’s girlfriend in a head lock”

“my homie said everyday is a gentle reminder”

“my homie said peaceful loungin is a lifestyle”

“my homie said shit is like a light switch”

“my homie said that crew so grave-y”

“my homie said divide and concur”

“my homie said reading my moves is like watching your oh-bitch-you-wary now I'm coming ni99a brapppt”

hahahahahahaha