#god I love kakuzu

[wispforever]

exalt

[ev4nno5]

the evil lovers duo

[ladykissingfish]

*Kisame gently bathing an injured Itachi*

Kisame, speaking quietly: So many scars you have. Your skin really tells an interesting tale.

Itachi, head hung down, half asleep: A tale of abject failure, maybe.

Kisame: *sighs* You’re certainly in a mood this evening, aren’t you? Lift your arms, please.

Itachi: *does as asked and groans* God … I feel so sore. And this headache just refuses to leave.

Kisame: Perhaps this’ll encourage you to actually listen to me when I try to warn you about overusing those eyes of yours …

Itachi: I know, I know …

Kisame: I know you know, but my point is that you don’t listen. Every battle, every encounter we have, you lean on that sharingan until you’re at the brink of exhaustion. When is it going to be enough, Itachi? We CAN train in other means of combat, you know? I’ve seen your Taijutsu before, it’s pretty fiercesome, so why —

Itachi: You worry too much, you know that? *scoots over and playfully swirls his fingers around in the water* Why don’t you climb on in here with me, and I’ll show you some of my other skills ~

Kisame: *gives Itachi a wry smile and shakes his head* Nice try, brat, but it’s not working. *holds out Itachi’s robe for him* Come on, you’ve been in there long enough. Let’s get you into bed and a hot cup of tea in your hands.

Itachi: *steps out of the tub and into the waiting robe* When you say “bed”, do you mean —

Kisame: Yes; my bed. I prefer you there, anyway. Easier to keep an eye on you.

Itachi, indignantly: Oi, you’re acting like I’m some child that can’t be trusted. Worse than that, you’re giving me the same treatment that Sasori-san gives Deidara, or Kakuzu-san gives Hidan! Don’t lump me in with those immature brats! I’m not —

*from down the hall*

Deidara: Danaaa! You’re being a jerk, hm!

Sasori: If me being a “jerk” means preventing you from jumping off the roof to “prove that death is a social construct”, then I guess I’ll just keep on being a jerk.

*from the opposite end of the hall*

Hidan: ‘Kuzuuuu! You never let me have any fun, you bastard!

Kakuzu: Fun? For the love of that fake god of yours, how is wrestling a just-out-of hibernation bear FUN?! I KNOW your stupid ass can’t die but can you think of me for once, eh? Can you think of the guy whose gonna have to sew your ridiculous body back together??

Itachi, to Kisame: See?! I may overuse my eyes but at least I’m not actively doing crazy things like those two! I —

*Tobi walks up*

Tobi: Itachi-senpai! Are we still having our dango eating contest tonight? Tobi is positive that he’ll beat your record of 142 dango in one hour!

Kisame:

Itachi: … Okay, even half-blind I can still see that smug look on your face, Kisa.

[its-dari]

Beware Baby Bunny

Hard Yandere! Akatsuki - Types & Danger Levels

I know it says "hard yan". But that's because my preferred type are soft yans... This is literally the worst extreme, especially in terms of character.

~ Dari

Deidara

Type: Manipulative & Dependent

Danger Level: 3/10

Not particularly manipulative towards you, more so towards any possible suitors. But if he is favored by you, he will milk it to the best he can. This especially shows when he assesses that he cannot physically win over them and resorts to more underhanded methods. A yandere that needs you like he needs air and all his purpose feels like it's gone when he is no longer with you. Like he'd die without you.

Creepy Behaviors Include: Heavy breathing upon close contact. Occasional thievery of your items. Manipulative behaviors towards potential suitors. Occasionally Munchausen.

Hidan

Type: Violent & Delusional

Danger Level: 9.5/10

Intensely wrapped in the bloody thoughts of Jashin, he believes that you were gifted to him for his labors to his god. There is nothing but blood in his brain when it comes to you, obsessively and sexually wrapping himself in how you look drenched in it. He is willing to harm both you and anyone that gets in his way of having you. It is only a side comment that makes him conceal his feelings and behavior.

Creepy Behaviors Include: Idealization. Erotomania. Stealing of bloodied sanitation products. Leering.

Hoshigaki Kisame

Type: Protective & Possessive

Danger Level: 7/10

Immensely blood thirsty but unlikely to violently react towards rivals unless they were similar. Views your opinion as important and so is careful in how he presents himself in front of you. If pushed, he could react violently but is a relatively docile type. Very loyal and pretty liberal in committing bloody acts if he knows he won't be caught. Depends on how well you handle these tendencies.

Creepy Behaviors Include: Keeping things you make for him long beyond it's tenure; including food.

Kakuzu

Type: Possessive Provider

Danger Level: 4/10

Doesn't try and especially hide his fondness and generally is one of the more normal types. While people presumably think he'd view the object of his affections as a posession, it's his experience and older age that allowed this more mellowed look. While his rank and level of violence of a criminal is still high. There is still somewhat of a levelheaded way he goes about dealing with rivals. He also won't really attempt to force you into anything.

Creepy Behaviors Include: Stealing Minimal Items. Financial Coercion.

Sasori

Type: Apathetic, Obsessive & Possessive

Danger Level: 10/10

Lucid and fully aware his behavior is unhealthy and will keep it to himself. The most dangerous in the sense that he cares little for you, your feelings, or your choices. He's also the master of acting like there's nothing wrong with him. The only one with a full 10 in all categories.

Obsessed with the idea of memorializing you forever by turning you into a puppet regardless of your wishes. Watches you often and at length to be able to gauge your anatomy and measurements perfectly. Has likely made a doll version of you and prepared clothes for a potential wedding... If given a chance, will make a different human puppet if the victim is close enough to your likeness.

Creepy Behaviors Include: Staring(often withoit blinking). Watching you sleep if given chance. Idealization. Objectification.

Uchiha Itachi

Type: Protective & Passive

Danger Level: 2/10

Genuinely the least selfish of the bunch, while he has an agenda in flirting with you and wanting to have you. He simply can go on without having you in a romantic sense, content fo have you in his life and just show you that you matter a lot to him. Will set aside his feelings in favor of yours and let you be happy with someone else. The closest to genuinely loving you. Though can show aggression/violence towards those that mean you harm or disrespect your memory.

Creepy Behaviors Include: Stealing Items. Replicating them with sharigan if possible.

Non-Yans / Yan Leashes:

Pein / Nagato

Honestly, someone come help this man. It is their respect for him that they're not acting out. He probably has a soft spot of some sort for you otherwise, he would consider murdering you for causing unrest among the others.

Konan

She's probably used to the creepy leering of men, and is immensely uncomfortable by the knowledge of this behavior. It is her connection with Pein and respect for her that keep them from behaving like insane people. Well, except Hidan, but that's par for the course.

Uchiha Obito / Tobi

He knows EVERYTHING and WOW, he thought he was bad. He takes advantage of his position as "innocent" Tobi to go around and mess with them, just for his amusement... It is his own fondness for you as a member that makes sure they keep from anything too extreme.

Zetsu

If the cannibal himself is grossed out by them, there's a problem. He is the one to report to the others as he can phase through walls and such... Keeps them docile for the sake of that they might know he knows everything.

[yowyowyaoi]

Itachi’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Konan

Nobody eats until you come out and eat with us 😤

Thank you! You’re the only one who even noticed 💙

You need to do a better job of hiding that kitten lol  it pushed open your door and walked down the hallway again

Of course! You know where I keep it you don’t even have to ask 😊

I know I’ve spoken to Nagato about them he’ll handle it

You have GOT to come try this new massage chair I got it’s heaven 😌

From Deidara

Come on I was just kidding!!

Please call him off if he bites off my hand again Sasori said he won’t replace it 😔

Sharingan is not art it’s dirty cheating 

The counter is covered with plates of eggs, did you do that weird sleepwalking thing again?!

Me and Hidan and maybe Tobi. Come on take the stick out of your ass and just come with us!

I’ll paint them if you braid my hair first.

Why do you always blame me?? Hidan probably took it!

Omfg I SWEAR I meant that for Sasori!! 😳 Please please don’t show Kisame he’ll kill me 😫

From Zetsu

He’s just so emotional is that an Uchiha trait?

I can literally smell your exhaustion you need to go and rest

Yeah very cute. Be a shame if someone ate it 👀

He was doing fine. Got a lot taller. Looks a lot like you in the face.

No I’m glad you made him leave that dude freaked even ME out 😵‍💫

From “Tobi” aka Obito

Can I borrow your face cream? This mask makes my skin itch like crazy!

God stop it man are you TRYING to speed up going blind?!

Would he take your last name or would you take his? 🤔

No. Never. They think I’m a dumbass, remember?

Little more time in the sun would probably help 🤷🏻‍♂️

“Crushes” are for little kids. And anyway he hates me 😔

I thought about that yeah. Reminded me of your mom’s. She always made the best ones.

I’m not sure of anything kid. But we’re in it too far to back out.

Idk you just looked super pale

Ask Sasori to make you more, they’re helping a little 

Idc what Zetsu says. I can do a lotta shit but cannibalism isn’t one of them 🤢

You think I didn’t see you sneak in that pie? Either share or I’m telling Kisame.

From Nagato

Come and join Konan and I for tea. We’ve got a new blend we think you’ll like.

Permission granted. Just be back within three days, I’ll be sending you two on a mission then.

Thank you for the tips. My eyes feel much better now.

Take your time reading it. When you finish I’d love to discuss some of the themes with you.

I know you dislike meat but perhaps a bit more protein might help improve your stamina.

I don’t mind but do not let Kakuzu see it.

From Hidan

Movies with me and blondie?

Yeah but he’s half-animal right? Still counts, pervert.

PLEASE make the splinters in the ass joke PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU😭😭😭

If I didn’t take a piece you would have ate the whole fucking thing yourself and your stomach would burst. You’re welcome 😊

No that was definitely Deidara’s gay ass

Mask boy’s looking for you

Oh right like Kisame wouldn’t beat my ass for that 🙄 Nice try asshole

God damn it’s 3am when the FUCK do you sleep?!

We’re not “plotting” anything just come with ffs 🤦‍♂️

It was an accident and I didn’t even look that long don’t tell her she’ll slice me up with that sharp-ass paper 😖

From Kakuzu

You always being on time with your rent is most appreciated.

To be honest I don’t really know. But at this point I’m too far into my feelings for him so this is my life now. 

Getting enough sleep is important. Nagato agrees that a new mattress would be in your best interests. No arguments.

I’ve ripped off his leg and made it clear it won’t be returned until he returns your property to you.

I’ll consult with Sasori and get back to you.

Konan is insisting everyone text you to come down to eat. It’s my turn. Be advised that continued delay will result in one or more of us coming and retrieving you by force.

From Sasori

Please inform me right away if you notice any adverse side effects. I may need to change the medication or adjust the dosage.

Oh, thank you for reminding me. I wouldn’t want a repeat of last year. What sort of gift do you think I should give him?

You’re more than welcome to anytime. You know I don’t sleep.

Finding the correct body is the most difficult part. All that follows is merely routine.

He can be very sensitive. I’m still learning to decipher and appropriately react to his emotions.

May I borrow that book when you’ve finished it?

Heh. That’s actually very funny.

Try not to overdo it. Your chakra levels still haven’t recovered from the last time.

You may want to hurry back. Zetsu has been circling outside your door like an animal and trying to sniff under it. That lock may not hold.

From Kisame

You remembered your meds today right?

Did you eat?

Yeah? I bet I could work out that tension 😏

Cake is not acceptable for every meal, Itachi.

I got a new blanket, very soft. Come test it out with me 💙

I’ll talk to him about it don’t worry.

For God’s sake just TAKE A NAP!

Have fun but watch your back, I don’t trust those two.

Pretty warm out tonight. Midnight swim later? 😏

You left your necklace on my dresser

Leave it there. You’ve already got one illicit pet you don’t need a second.

I’m cooking, you’re eating. No objections.

My hands are craving being in your hair 😔

I did not eat him. Zetsu is a liar.

You got any more pics like that? Please? 👀

I 💙 you too

[tozettastone]

agreed with that other anon! sometimes in fandom people sand Hidan down a bit. But with you it’s always like “ah there’s the serial killer” (pos). When you write him, Hidan’s almost a happy go lucky guy! Who also happens to kill for fun and worship of a god of suffering. It’s so fantastic. I also think you have one of the best takes on kakuzu out there. put them both together? chef’s kiss

Aw thank you! I really love the incongruity of Hidan's kind of energetic, straightforward canon character (with all his mundane complaints and conflicting priorities) with the, like, undeniable fact of his being a serial killer. A serial mass murderer, even.

It's the contrast for me. Good texture. I want to bake him in the oven.

[thottyimagines]

Heyy, i really love ur akatsuki headcanons, like every one of them is so believable lmaoo.

Could u do akatsuki headcanons where their s/o asks them to hold their peepee while they pee? I swear there was one exact ask on tumblr but it cant find it

Thanks and i hope its not a weird question but they r weirdos anyways so

Thank you!

I've gotten a variation of this ask several times which is telling me the people (or just one tenacious anon) really want to know, so...god, here goes nothing:

Pein is...weirdly complicated, given the real body in the basement/paths for his bidding situation, but I'd say the only way he'd allow it is if it's absolutely necessary because his actual bod is too weak to even help himself. I imagine he just diapers the poor thing and gives Konan the honor of cleaning him up, though, so he doesn't really need an s/o to aid in that venture.

Konan, should she have one for her s/o to hold, would be kind of confused by the request, but not put off. I don't think she'd really get it, but sure, knock yourself out, s/o.

Itachi would get flustered and embarrassed, should his s/o ask to do the holding for him. He'd reassure them that he is more than capable of performing his own bathroom duties, from ablutions to urination, and their concern is...well, kind, if unwarranted. He'd probably wonder if his s/o is noticing his deteriorating eyesight and then frets that he can no longer aim, and everyone has felt too awkward to tell him. He starts using the bathroom with his Sharingan always on and the door locked tight so he can make sure he cleans up properly.

Kisame would probably be amused and go for it. He'd somehow find a way to be flirtatious and horny about it, but hey, his s/o was the one to be a freak and ask in the first place so as far as he's concerned it's all fair game.

Hidan would only accept if he could be flirtatious and horny about it. He'd probably just assume his s/o developed a piss kink or something, I'll be real with you.

Kakuzu initially shuts that down with a firm "no." If his s/o is persistent, he'd relent, but he'd be annoyed and brusque about it. If their finger gets caught in the zipper when he's done, well, that'll show them to stop impeding his business.

Deidara gets very embarrassed and flustered, like Itachi, but in a weirdly flattered, excited way. He's young and horny and will gleefully embrace any opportunity to have someone touching his dick, even for something as mundane as him peeing.

Sasori probably didn't give his puppet twink bod any genitalia, as he needs to neither pee nor fuck in this form. He'd be sure to let his s/o know that.

Tobi would get embarrassed and deflect and probably accuse his s/o of being a pervert (fair), but forgive them because they're just too cute. They're still not giving the assist, though. He's self-conscious about how it looks soft.

Zetsu also doesn't seem to have the anatomy required for this scenario, given he's running around in the buff all day long and no one has ever commented about his bits hanging out and about.

[fireflylitsky]

Hello I am also down bad for Kisame and Kakuzu and I need to know IMMEDIATELY what pet names you think each of the Aksatsuki members uses. I agree with your Kisame "sweetheart" theory and raise you a Kakuzu "dear". "Honey" if we're feeling bold.

Okay okay okay let's get into this. A small disclosure first: pet names really depend on the setting and the ship (like Hidan would not be calling Kakuzu "baby girl" because Kakuzu would find out a way to kill him for real, but if he had a cute little cinnamon roll gf yeah baby girl is her legal name as far as he's concerned) so these are just general assessments.

Kisame- I will say, Kisame could vary a lot depending on AU. I could totally see a modern AU where he's a big lovable jock tossing "babe" around. Generally speaking, Kisame is a class act, a real gentleman. He's going for classics like "sweetheart" or "hon". Sorry to the "kitten" fans, I just don't see it 🤷‍♀️(unless he's using it to antagonize)

Kakuzu- Him calling you by name is a goddamn miracle in and of itself and should be considered a pet name. If he says your name without anger? Hoo boy, he's into it. If he's dropping any sort of actual pet name? I agree, it's going to be something like "dear". Short and sweet, suits his old man tendencies. You are basically married if he hits you with a dear. I will once again go on record saying this old man is not calling anyone "kitten" lmao (I'm sorry it's just... what is with all the "kitten" I see???)

Itachi- He's not calling you anything in front of other people, sorry. Very formal in front of company. Behind closed doors he will be sweet. Not excessive, but sweet. He's an "angel", "dearest", "my love" kind of guy. I could see a case being made for "darling". He's in deep and awkward about showing it, but he'll drop a pet name every once in a while when it's just the two of you.

Hidan- Make way for the absolute chad of cringey unapologetic pet names. Hidan doesn't give a FUCK he will pretty much use any name under the sun unironically. He's throwing around "baby" and "baby girl" like it's your god given name. Sweetheart? Sure. Kitten? Alright. Is he using them sarcastically or seriously? yes.

Deidara- He's a babe/baby guy idk. I don't have a whole lot to say on him, I just think he prefers things simple and punchy, he's artsy yeah, but not poetic. I don't think he's getting extravagant with his names, but once he starts using them you basically never hear your actual name anymore.

Sasori- Pet names are not his thing. I've seen "doll" thrown around... hm, a bit too on the nose for me, but I get it. I don't think he would like them, personally. Not everyone uses pet names *shrug* Closest he gets is literally “pet” and only because it has a naturally demeaning implication that establishes a hierarchy with him in control lol

[fg083nrt]

KAKUHIDA fic recs 💴🩸

Everything in this list is either M or E-rated. Very low possibility of anything T-rated. Most links are ao3, but some are livejournal, fanfiction.net or ficbook or pixiv.

Disclaimer: I do not actually know 4 languages; I just use Google Translate or Depl because I am insane.

TOP FAVES in no particular order

[Mandarin]【角飞】都市谋杀之夜 by Liebestorm 

Ballet dancer Hidan + black alley doctor Kakuzu. Incredible story, full of casual cruelty, there’s death, there’s body horror, there’s physical and mental suffering - all things Kakuhida. I think about this story a lot. The accuracy of their depiction in the modern setting is stunning. Head the warnings. There are many.

Content Warnings: abortion, amputation, violence, abuse, cruelty.

By the same author 【吸血鬼AU】以圣灵的名义…  Vampire AU! A small, fun story about two vampires hunting together. Some really cute romantic cannibalism.

[Russian] Мертвый сезон by Tiferet (taubenblautiferet)

PART 1 | PART 2 

“Can a country boy and a big city man fall in love?” 

Hot spring worker Hidan and ex-yakuza accountant Kakuzu on vacation. Lots of ghosts (well, just one, but oh man), curses(???), sex, Tokyo life and a demonic God that wants to have a talk. Very dear to my heart. Watching Kakuzu drop his guard down when faced with Hidan’s relentless naivete and determination makes my brain go all mushy.

Literally, anything by this author is top-tier storytelling writing, and you know you are always in for a fun ride!!

If you are looking for something more lighthearted, try ХИДАН ЛАЖАЕТ. It’s a fun story about video game streamer Hidan and his secret admirer, Kakuzu. 

[English] Is it Life or Art? by lilac_bramble  

This story is just so much fun, London socialite/model/”personality” Hidan and investment banker Kakuzu. Truly like peak Kakuhida to me. I really enjoy their relationship here. Their chemistry just works so well. This story is nearly the same word count as Game of Thrones. I am not joking. I am obsessed with authors' in-depth, detailed little tidbits of life in London. 

[Japanese] 【角飛】めまゐ【web再録】by Puola 

I love stories about characters told by someone completely unrelated, like a view from outside. I think this story does it so well. I loved seeing the tiny glimpses into how other people see them. It’s a short but a very special story. They cannot escape ‘These two really care for each other’ allegations. 

[Russian] Небо класса S by  бабаягапротив 

*DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE DEIDARA FAN OR SASODEI FAN

It is a truly amazing story from start to finish. I couldn’t stop reading it. Cruel, funny, witty dialogue, violence, great character insight, everything juicy remains in subtext and subtext alone. Lots of fun revelations are left up to the reader's interpretation, which I really enjoyed. Great example of how a sex scene can be used to show more hidden aspects of a relationship and how the two come together. The whole premise is really unusual and refreshing.

[English] Like steps of passing ghosts by Sneakend 

The storytelling reminds me of an official Naruto light novel. The same like tempo and the dynamic between them just feels very much like them. The story premise is simple but satisfying. I love it when Hidan is affected by the supernatural.

[English] In Limbs and Joints by orphan_account 

Zombie AU. Loved, loved, loved the ending. I hate reading zombie AU, where characters survive for a bit too long makes everything drag on and on. This story is perfect. We get them coming in, and then the end feels even more gut-wrenching but also super satisfying. Really well done!

[English] Kakuzu and the Temple of Jashin by fauvester

Ultimate comfort story. It’s camp; it’s scary, it’s gory, it’s funny. I just love everything about this story.

Genre clusters

Genre: “Corrupt Priest Hidan”

[Russian] Ничего святого by меровинген 

Church Cardinal Hidan + Thief Kakuzu. Really hot!

2. [English] Madness by JonShiiiiiDesu

Holy Son Hidan + Black Plague Doctor Kakuzu. The premise and the setting is really fun!

Genre: “Kakuzu goes to a bar, spots Hidan being his weird, insane self, and then simply has no other choice but to  fuck him in the men’s washroom.”

[Russian] Оседлавший торнадо by Tiferet

Calgary stampede Kakuhida. Insert cowboy emoji. Great story! May be helping with translation soon.

2. [Russian] Горючее by AmberWha1e 

Hidan picks Kakuzu up at a bar but loses his number.

3. [Russian] 5:49 в Стерджен-Бей by Neverhere 

Pure romance. Modern AU, as well!

Check out another fic by the same author Таинство любви 

Hidan gives head in a church! Fun!

4. [Russian] Чистюля by меровинген 

Casino coworkers Kakuhida, I love this authors Kakuzu! 

+There was another fanfic that was like so unhinged, but it got deleted, I will miss it forever.

More

[English] Beloved Schism by ThisCatastrophe 

Saint!Hidan+Mercenary!Kakuzu. Really interesting setting packed with catholic tidbits.

[English] Evolution of Us by SenkoWakimarin 

I remember reading this story on LiveJournal, a classic.

Gentleness by the same author. They are an OG! 

[English] True Intentions by sweetdreamz

Unfinished, but it’s so hot and cute I don’t care. Virgin!Kakuzu is a rare commodity. 

[English] take the hand and arm by shannyan

Sex pollen! Check out more from that author.  

[English] Bring Me Back A Dog by W0lfism 

Fuckfest AND a really fun plot!!! All in one!!! Any KKHD by Wolf is top-notch porn.

[English] Gentle Rains Trailer Park by HidansCrazyLaugh

Trailer park AU! Really love this one 

[Russian] The Third Weakness by Цагн

Modern prison AU focused on Kakuzu and his fateful meeting with Hidan.

Their other works for them are awesome too  

[English] Irredeemable Paradise by ManicR

This style is rare nowadays I like this. 

[English] Heaven by Crystaline-Crimson

Similarly rare style.  

[English] Another Mess by Un.filltered

A short and fun sex session on a table.

[Japanese] どうぞこの身を召し上がれ by Kiyo

Cake and Fork AU, it’s a variation of omegaverse, but with more focus on cannibalism. Romantic goreporn!

[immoralimmortals]

we hop-skip-jump back with more akatsuki questions! we hope your days have been grand and your songs sweet, tak(?)

if the akatsuki were exposed to the cuisines of our modern, international world, what would each of them gravitate to? would hidan be lured by the cooking of the southern american states, creole, the sausages and cuts and grinds of europe, the whole beasts of the pacific? would itachi look at italian cuisine and feel a deep pang of nostalgia of how sasuke would like this fare? what would these tongues make of our world's bounty?

Hello again! Yes, I'm Tak uvu Some more cusine headcanons for you, dear!:

Honestly I think you nailed Hidan right off the bat. I think he's a connoisseur of meat in specific, if given the time and lack of killing people (so only a world with no Jashin. Probably). I can imagine him, Deidara, and sometimes Kisame having a hot sauce drinking contest. Kakuzu would show up and blow them out of the water once and never participate again. I think Hidan would like beef jerky and pork rinds.

My dad is obsessed with the Red Lobster food chain and now I'm thinking about how Kisame would genuinely enjoy himself while everyone else is only there for cheddar bay biscuits.

My dad just bought at least 100$ worth of Red Lobster gift cards once finding out they're going out of business HE KEEPS ASKING ME OUT TO RED LOBSTER SOMEONE FUCKING HELP M

I've already said in a prior post that Deidara would be OBSESSED with pop rocks. Wouldn't be surprised if he seeks out other kinds of food that give specific sensations, hence the hot sauce bit just now. He'd love carbonated drinks, too. He can bullshit his way into convincing you that yes, Monster Energy Drink *does* require a sophisticated flavor palate! He'd try anything if it had a novelty factor, at least one he can take seriously.

Perhaps obviously I can see Itachi especially enjoying the vast variety of teas that one can acquire in the modern world. My personal favorites tend to be rooibos blends, so I'd like to give him a cup. God, he'd be a great cafe owner. Literal coffee shop AU type of man. I want him to tell me about the floral notes in this morning blend of green tea from the Himalayas. I wanna own a combination tea shop and bakery with him, that'd be the dream.

Kakuzu strikes me as a hardy, heavy food kind of guy. Stews and meats and breads. He'd probably like corned beef and cabbage and potatoes. ...Sorry my Irish in me is coming out. Gravitates to comfort food that keeps you full and warm.

Nagato and Konan are...interesting ones to consider, because whenever I think about them and food I just can't stop thinking about how formative starvation must have been for them. I think they can get overwhelmed by seasonings really fast, anything especially salty or sugary or what have you is in small portions. I don't think they'd deal well with the fact that the most available foods in some societies are saturated with flavor that's overcompensating for shitty processed food. I think if you gave Nagato a bottle of Sunny D it might actually kill him.

Sasori can't taste shit, I think, but if he did he's one of those assholes with PIN POINT PRECISION. Wine connoisseur. Chocolate connoisseur. Will intellectually wreck your shit if you tell him you're making spaghetti and serve him angel hair.

I think Obito would get really disappointed if you told him you were going to get mochi and you came back with the kind you get from the grocery store.

Zetsu still eats people, I can only presume. He might be interested in foods related to "stranger" body parts, brain cheese and haggis, that sort of thing.

Side note: several years ago when I first entered my never-ending Akatsuki phase, I read a really, really cute self insert or reader insert fic where the Akatsuki came to the "real world" and they watched Spongebob and Kisame made what the story described as an adorable face as he was shown how a soda can works. I've been looking for it and my heart yearns to reread. If you happen to find it, please let me know!

[teatitty]

I say this with all the love in my heart for Kakashi but Kurenai should've been the one who helped kill Hidan and Kakuzu. "But Tea she was pregnant!" not heavily! And this would've hardly been the first nor last time we'd seen a pregnant woman fighting in fiction! It was the perfect opportunity for us to see her in action but nooooooo god forbid women get revenge for the death of their lover for once (¬_¬ )

[mixelation]

I would love to see you rank Akatsuki by how shippable they are with Kakashi

oh my god. called out. but i will answer. CRACKS KNUCKLES

tbh this was kind of hard to write because even though i love akatsuki ships AND i love kakashi ships, there's not a lot of.... like..... easy/natural chemistry going on here??

least to most shippable

9. Zetsu - Does anyone ship Zetsu? No. Get out of here, Zetsu.

8. Pein - I think the connection here would be like. Similar Traumas (tm) and I know some people like this but I don't LMAO. That or missing-nin!Kakashi joins Akatsuki because he likes what Pein is selling philosophically, and it turns into one of those "loyal follower sets themselves apart in order for leader to notice them Romantically" which is another dynamic I know some like but I don't.

7. Kisame - Kisame is Chill For An Evil Villain and I think he'd admire Kakashi's philosophy of ninja who abandon their comrades being less than trash. He'd be annoyed but not lose his mind over some of Kakashi's more annoying traits. But, idk, this ship doesn't really have enough Spice for me.

6. Itachi - I like the fanon that Itachi and Kakashi were friendly in ANBU, and for a long time I liked the idea of them running into each other years later and reconnecting in a more shippy way. But I have rotated and rotated this and I cannot make it work in a shippy way. I've read some fics and they else seem to just not have.... a spark? a Spice? There's something missing. I just like them more with a platonic dynamic.

5. Sasori - There are some interesting parallels and contrasts and vague plot connections between these two, but oh my GOD is it hard to fit them all together in a compelling way. There's probably something in "Your father killed my parents and it fucked me up for life" vs "Yeah well, then he also killed my father and fucked me up for life" but you will have to work so hard to extract it. Sasori and Kakashi are antisocial weirdos in opposing ways and GETTING them to the point where you can do anything is so hard.

4. Kakuzu - Despite fighting each other, canon failed to produce any emotional connection at all between Kakuzu and Kakashi, which is unfair to us all. Kakuzu is ranked here because he's the first person on this list I can see getting into bed with Kakashi without the writer having to do a shit ton of work. Kakuzu fucks. Kakashi fucks. I think under the right circumstances they'd fuck each other. If I wrote it, I'd have a Catfishing AU where they're both trying to lure the other one out to collect Dat Bounty but they're doing it via the lonely hearts section of a newspaper. Anyway their public personas don't impress each other but once they switch to private letters they both realize they're both weird kinky freaks. Kakuzu WAS trying to catfish you in that he lying about his age and name and sent a fake photo, but somehow he was not lying about the tentacles.

3. Hidan - I think Kakashi and Hidan would make eye contact across a bar and then go hook up. I just think they're both like this. Maybe they run into each other again later and are like, "fuck it, why not?" It's a very straight forward relationship and both somehow miss all the ways the other one is completely unhinged. ALTERNATIVELY, Hidan thinking Kakashi's suffering and wallowing is so, so beautiful.

2. Deidara - Okay. Do you remember his "sees Itachi for the first time" face? I think Deidara would make this face at a raikiri. And as we all know, Deidara is at his cutest when screaming because someone is actively trolling him, and Kakashi loves trolling people. I don't think Deidara would be very impressed with Kakashi's dedication to a never ending mourning period, BUT I think there's room for interesting character growth on both sides here. Also I just think Kakashi should fuck him. As a little treat

I. Konan - Okay. Listen. My ideal Kakashi het ship is "weird damp man and woman who would crumple him up and wring him out like a paper towel." This is them. Kakashi literally only knows how to take care of his loved ones by going out and killing their enemies and Konan thinks this is so sweet. She doesn't NEED him to, but he does go out and kill people she hates and he's not even weird about it. Kakashi murdered more specific enemies of the Ame or Akatsuki than the Akatsuki. Very cute. Also they'd look good together. ALSO the pairing of her blank, judgmental stare and his trolly grin. Excellent vibes all around

BONUS RANKINGS:

Orochimaru (between Deidara and Konan) - They would hook up specifically for the psychic damage to everyone they know.

Obito (True Number One) - OBVIOUSLY. Rivals to friends to enemies to lovers! The mutual obsession! Bonus identity porn!

[ladykissingfish]

*Deidara sitting on his bed and brushing out his hair while Sasori sits at the edge of the bed listening to him talk*

Deidara: … and Uchiha kept insisting that we HAD to get our toenails done if we were going to get manicures, right? But that’s easy for him to say because fuckin’ Kisame pays for anything that fucker wants! But anyway I was just going to suggest we paint all our nails at home, like a party or whatever, but then Hidan showed us that he swiped Kakuzu’s wallet with his credit cards in it! So of course we —

Sasori, in his head: My God, this brat has been talking for two hours straight now. When does he stop to take a breath?

Sasori: Wait … does he need to breathe with his face-mouth and nose, or can he breathe through his hand-mouths too? Should I ask him?

Sasori: No, that would just lead to more talking. Goodness. I mean I understand that part of a relationship is showing an interest in your partner’s life but goddamn all the things he cares about are so tedious and mundane. How much longer can I sit here with this smile plastered on my face and giving him the occasional “Mm” before he notices how utterly tuned-out I am?

Sasori: Then again … he DOES show me a fair amount of attention when I speak on my puppets. So perhaps I’m being unfair. And he IS rather lovely to look at. Still, maybe there’s a way I can him to be quiet in a “nice” way.

Sasori: Now … what’s that technique again? Oh I know …

Sasori: *takes the hairbrush out of Deidara’s hands, lays him down gently on the bed, and begins tightly swaddling him with the blanket.

Deidara: Oi, what the hell, hm?! What are you doing to me?? Let me out of … of …

Deidara: *his eyes flutter and droop, and within a few moments he’s out like a light*

Sasori: *smiles and smooths Deidara’s hair back from his face before kissing his forehead* If we ever have children one day, I’ll be a natural at putting them to bed.

Kakuzu, in the doorway: Forget about kids; I’ll pay you if you can come do that to Hidan right now!

Sasori:

[theunkown-yachirusan]

The Crimson Moon

Chapter 1

Y/n P.o.v

It has been 13 years working for the Supreme God of Norse Pantheon and his family and ever since then I became friends with Lord Thor and Lord Loki. I do not need to pretend I'm happy around them when I was, but I still need to keep up the act to know about what happenings around and to never let ANY suspicions rise, as this is for the sake of the association and the safety of everyone. The Celestial beings has blessed us with the power to protect everyone, our abilities became effective to demons and Immortal beings like Gods since then, for example I use Genjutsu to a God to make them forget about what happened.

I was currently waiting for the return of my Lords when I felt a chakra, no, a mind communication with all the squadron. I immediately go to my room, and I close my eyes and focus.

"Well this is such a shitty of them" it's Hidan's voice

"Shut it will you you are as stressful to deal as those demons"

It seems I shall need to speak right now "If it isn't interesting to know what makes you fuss over it Kakuzu-san"

"RAHHH FINALLY UKIKO IS HERE"

"That's definitely not the alpha-samas name inosuke" zenitsu said in a annoyance

"Will you shut up?" Another annoyed voice, it was Sanemi most definitely trying hard not to yell too.

"Ahh I'm so sorry,inosuke please stop, I'm so sorry Y/n-sama" Tanjiro said in panic

"AHAHAHAHA The kids sure are rowdy"

" Yeah so does you,hashirama"

"ACKK-?!!"

"Enough everyone,please state what it is, why you suddenly called a meeting Inoichi-san? As far as I know you were with Obito-san and the Investigator group that is assigned to roam around right now, is there something wrong?"

"Yes ma'am, Lady Brunhilde has informed me of something everyone would like to know and surely The Norse Gods are about to return there..."

There was a long silence before the next thing he said shook all of us.

"Upon the meeting of the Gods, they have decided to eradicate the humanity and Brunhilde will have to meet everyone once and for all"

Everyone's thoughts immediately became the voices in the communication. But then a word was heard.

"We should be calm upon this time and let Lady Brunhilde handle this." Lord Ubuyashiki finally spoke

"We all know the agreements correct?The squadron of Alpha and Beta are only the shadows of the Delta squad and therefore we shall support them and be on our guard." I finally spoke

"We shall discuss about this when I leave this place tonight" I added

And with that the meeting ended, but then Itachi speaks with me through Inoichis mind jutsu.

"Are you okay?"

"Of course I am brother-"

"Are you okay leaving the people who became a another family to you? And leaving the person who've come to love you dearly? Are you okay not hearing his reason?"

"...I did not say I wouldn't listen to what he want to say"

"Hmph, and you did not deny the ' person who've come to love you' part" Madara suddenly spoke

"Do not fret about me and as much as we know we don't want their suspicions became true. I shall focus on my situation and you should too. Itachi I leave things to you"

"Yes sister" ....after that

I cannot get the thought of Thor agreeing about this, I shall ask Brunhilde about it when she got back. I finally felt their presence and chakra and my mask is on again. I saw them at the entrance and Lord Odin's crows is unnaturally silent but suddenly Lord Odin speaks to me.

"We would like to talk to you Lady Y/n, it is about the subject in our meeting"

My eyes widened "huh, of course Lord Odin"

I can feel Thor's eyes upon me and I chose to ignore it. When we are finally at the throne room with Lord Loki and Thor with us Lord Odin spoke slowly.

"Lady Y/n I must inform you about what happened and what is the topic and you have the free will to speak then. Zeus has once again ask of the Gods opinions and decision as to what to do with you humans and the final decision is to End the Humanity once and for all"

Lord Odin stopped and is looking for my reaction and right now, the face they can only see is the shock expression painted on my face.

"But before it happens, Brunhilde then interfer on the meeting and a Fight between Humanity and Gods was declared."

I did not wait for any of them speak after Lord Odin talk.

"What would you like me to do then my Lord?" I just questioned as I became calm.

This definitely shocked them to see me calm about a crucial subject since this is a Life or Death situation. Thor then spoke.

"I would like to be honest with you Lady Y/n."

When I look at him I can see how his eyes change. The look of sadness and pain and there was something else them that I cannot pick on. Lord Odin surely did not expect that Thor would suddenly speak as he would just stay silent and just listen, even Lord Loki was Shocked about this.

"If I would be honest with you Lady Y/n I did not agree or disagree upon this and surely you know me as I would never talk. I- we would like to know what would you do, what is your thoughts about this and are you..?" He trailed.

I would be lying if I said I'm not shocked when Thor is speaking when it was Infront of his father and Loki. I am entirely stunned but I know I have to follow my own plan and as much as I love him I have to leave him, I want to protect him without him knowing and that I betrayed him for doing this, for hiding who I really was. I started to become calm once again.

" Is that so, then, I would like to return to my family and reunite with them again. I do not know how I would react to all of this but it has been decided and I have no right to stop it as I am nothing but a mere mortal" it hurts but I have to...I want to protect them even if it's in the shadows and even if it's the last thing I do for him, for Thor. I then added

"It would make others think that I am trying to be on your good sides my Lords-"

"Please I insist that when it was just us drop the formalities Lady Y/n" and the most shocking thing for all three of us is Lord Odin saying to 'Drop the formalities'. We are all, Thor,Loki and I has jaws dropped. But Loki recovered faster than us.

"And since uncle said so y/n you should call us by our names then even if we are enemies from now on" He said happily.

"Even if it's the very last moment for each of us this is the only moment we have to be ourselves". He added

"Very well then, everyone might think I was trying to get onto your good side it is why I chose to be with my family once again." I said smiling

"Y/n... You are a great human, you have been a great friend to both of me and my family. I may not be the best at showing it but you have my gratitude Lady Y/n I thank you for serving the Pantheon" Lord Odin spoke

'I can't help but-' my tears freely fall 'I didn't experience nor hear other people speaks a heartfelt gratitude yet I heard it from The Allfather himself, even though I was a human'

"I too thank you Odin,Thor and Loki for having trust to me, even though I was only a mortal and can die at any moment" I laughed.

After several hours of talking they also invite me to have dinner with them before I take my leave but I cannot help but think about Thor. As he seems even more sad than Loki and Odin combine and is holding back something which makes me think that he might want to talk to me but it was rather late as I am currently on my way to Japanese Pantheon to meet everyone including the chosen humans.

Thor's P.o.v

I should have oppose to this, sure those mortals has become nothing but parasites that kills earth but not all of them was. But thinking about it. It has been 5 years ever since knowing her and her family and yet whenever I would confess to her everything does not go well and was being interrupted by anything and anyone.

I want to tell her so badly as she was so delicate, such beauty that is more than every Goddesses, like a sunflower to my dark stormy days. She is the only one who could lighten my day. When I first lay my eyes I know immediately that it was her as soon as we met on a one rainy afternoon.

When she was far away,I just looked at the way she takes. I felt someone behind me... "It was your chance my son."

"And yet I wasted it... Again" I answered my father.

"Do not fret, I know how much she love you too and even if you may not know it yourself I have always watching her carefully as she can be rather unpredictable"

" The fate of humanity is at the hands of Brunhildes chosen Champions I should get myself ready " I just spoke with sadness.

" My son ...do not let those feelings get the better off you" My father speaks.

I did not turn to him, I just walk back inside. With a picture of her smile flashes in my memory.

Loki P.o.v

It was painful to see Thor like this and it also hurts me too that a Human friend of mine, the only person I can have fun around with is going to die at the decision many Gods agreed. I can only just sigh and think.

If I would be honest, she is the most hideous person I know, since whenever I ask about her past she would avoid it with talking about another topic. Its really frustrating of her to be so hideous. It's been 5 years and yet I cannot get her to speak. I just sighed...

'What is in that little head of yours, Y/n?'

'How come I can never be able to read you?'

I just sighed in frustration... She's the only human who is mysterious to me.

3rd persons P.o.v

"It's about time"

*Brunhilde explaining everything*

"Revolutionary group, Kamaboko squad, Rengoku-san, Tengen-san and Shinobu-san along with Tobirama and Obito. You will be assigned to be on guard incase a demon or anyone who would rebel will attack. Investigators Ino-Shika-cho along with Minato-san, Neji,Shisui and Hyuga twins be also on guard you would be the one who will keep on track on those demons if ever they chose to appear"

"YES SIR"

"Y/n-sama would you like to meet them." Brunhilde speaks.

They were in a unfamiliar place, it would seems that they are in a conference hall. Unknown figures can be seen in the darkness of the room, light of the candles are the only things that gives light in the mysterious room of many other unfamiliar people.

"Why of course we shall welcome them to our association after all they are the ones who will ensure the survival of humanity". Y/n spoke, red eyes looking directly to Brunhilde.

"I humbly welcome all of you, my fellow men, I am sure Lady Brunhilde have explained everything. We shall discuss every possibility of surprise attacks of the demons and the happenings on your fight with the God's" Y/n stated.

"AHAHAHAHA....It was an honor to work under you y/n-san" Kojiro spoke joyfully.

"Ahh I quite agree with you Kojiro-san it really is right kondo-san?" Okita also speaks.

"Not to mention, many unfamiliar people too".

"I agree with you" Kondo replied

Y/n's serious and cold facade turns friendly.

"I'm so glad that Lady Brunhilde has chosen you guys, yet I was quite worried for your well-being". She suddenly looked worried.

"But enough, we shall focus what's ahead. Since... tomorrow is the day whether we live or not" She became serious and started the discussion.

But there is only one thought remains in her head.

"How long will they be able to hide the identity of The Guardians Association?"

[yowyowyaoi]

*Tobi walks into the Akatsuki hideout carrying a tied and gagged Kakashi in his arms*

Hidan: … what the fuck?

Deidara: No way, hm. Are you telling me that TOBI caught the infamous Kakashi of the Sharingan?!

Kakuzu: Caught, but didn’t kill. May I do the honors?

Tobi: Oh no, Kakuzu-san. Tobi isn’t planning on killing him!

Sasori: Then are you recruiting him into the Akatsuki? Impressive; I must say he’ll make a most powerful addition, to -

Tobi: Kakashi said he’d rather die than be in our group, Sasori-Senpai! But that’s not why Tobi has him anyways!

Konan: Then what —

Tobi: *takes off his mask and speaks in his own voice*

Obito: I’m marrying this man today. Right now. Nagato, you officiate. The rest of you are here as witnesses.

Everyone else:

Hidan: Is … is this a joke?

Obito, untying Kakashi: It’s no joke. I have loved this man since I was a child. I “proposed” to him on Halloween night when we were 10. He said we weren’t old enough. Well, we are now. *takes the gag out of Kakashi’s mouth* Right, Bakashi?

Kakashi: Obito … you can’t be serious here … that was almost twenty years ago! And you’re an S-rank criminal, for God’s sake!  There’s no way I’m going to —

Obito: *grabs Kakashi’s face and very tenderly kisses him*

Kakashi:

Kakashi: Has … has anybody got a suit or kimono I could borrow?

Konan: I have a black one that would fit you well. Give me a moment —

Zetsu: I’ll gather up some flowers.

Itachi: Kisame and I can prepare some food for the occasion —

Deidara: This is so romantic, hm! Come on … *grabs Obito’s hand and pulls him to bathroom* You look like a mess … let’s fix you up nice, hm …

Deidara, over his shoulder: I hope you’re taking notes for the future, Danna —

Sasori: 

Sasori: This is the scariest Halloween I’ve ever been a part of.

Nagato: Same.

[tozettastone]

Ah, but consider: Hidan and a baby. He's young so any spawn would be in that infant to toddler range - unless Jashinism mandates chastity for priests, meaning it would have to be 15 y o acolyte Hidan who got lucky forever ago, before getting sworn in as a priest, and the child is like 7 in Shipuden. And as someone who has spent a lot of time with a 3 y o recently, they're fucking clever and distinctly their own person. He's not leaving kiddo to be raised in an orphanage - which outside of Hidden Villages would likely be under the purview of various religious organisations, other Jashinist priests are obviously doing something wrong if they're not immortal by their God's grace, Kakuzu is old so he knows about raising kids, right? His obsessive, relentless enthusiasm and can do attitude make me think he'd at least try.

I do understand that babies and kids, as objects, are super compelling to a lot of people to write and read about.

For me, the relationship between a young adult and its parent is sometimes interesting, but I really don't want to talk about babies or kids.

There are so many fic writers who love kids! Please send them this kind of thing and not me. Sorry.