#god i wish my blog brand was just 'the person you come to with writing questions'

[bethanysnow]

Golden Hour: a SKZ thanksgiving~

Writers Notes:

As I get back into K-pop and South Korean Culture. The fandoms of K-pop, and Stray Kids. I am reminded of my first holiday season having moved from Alaska. Coming from a big family it felt like the house was too empty, that I couldn't turn the tv loud enough to replace the people that weren't there. Everyone has had that at some point. A holiday, a birthday, or some event where you just wished that person or those people were there for. Even as good as that event or holiday turned out to be. You still saw an empty chair and thought it would be filled. So I write this because of that feeling. I have friends now as an adult all over the world and it's hard to convey that specific brand of isolation.

I know Thanksgiving is a very U.S.-centric holiday. But go with me here lol. I promise it's cute.

So to my fellow stays all across the world you make not only stray kids but also me, stay. So thank you. I may not speak to you directly, but if you are tagged below you have impacted me in your work, and blog, and it's been an honor to be in this space with you. I dedicate this work to you. I hope it doesn't suck!

@hyunsvngs @moonlightndaydreams @moonjxsung @ddyskz @queen-in-the-shadows @chansmanda @antoniorhinothethird @cbini @its-hannjisung @noellllslut @channieandhisgoonsquad @sweetracha @skzms @hyunjinfairy @7ndipity @forlix

Stray Kids ot8 X Platonic!Foreigner!Reader. (But honestly, it can be whatever you want ;) ) 2.7k wrds

"Vanilla! I fucking forgot Vanillia! God damnit!" Recircling it on the very long list that had been trailing behind her through the week. It was days before Thanksgiving and it was not only a herculean task to try and buy cranberry sauce in Korean, but also to find a whole turkey from meet markets and buchers who of course looked at y/n like she was insane.

It was only because Seungmin and Minho teased y/n about just how festive she was getting for the holidays she had to open her big mouth. You just had to, didn't you? Of course! Y/n was gonna show them just how amazing the holidays could be, starting with the third week of November. If she had to pull a full Martha Stewart out of her ass to prove her point she would, Y/n was already too deep into it now.

That is how she found herself in the middle of a grocery store on the outer edges of Seoul trying to buy potatoes and cursing about Vanilla. Y/n thought back on how she got into this mess while continuing shopping.

Originally Y/n worked as a remote context translator for a couple video editors based out of South Korea. That of course turned into more and more Zoom meetings and a vacation to Seoul later she had moved and worked full-time with JYP and Stray Kids. Still as a context translator, but also now as an assistant to their manager whom she grew close with. He was the big brother/father figure one needed in a country you weren't from originally. The eight boys who followed her around like lost puppies also maybe had something to do with it maybe just maybe.

Getting out of the store with her now chosen ingredients it was time to hail back to the apartment and start the process that everyone dreaded most of all. Cleaning. It wasn't the obligatory floordrobe, or the collection of maybe two mugs too many on the coffee table; but left to ones own devices the apartment was...not great for hosting what will be the greatest dinner ever?? One would love to have the ~aesthetic~ apartment you see on Pinterest, but fuck even the Idols she worked for didn't have that. So why should she? Y/n's roommate of six months was out on a bussniess trip for the next week, so she got to fight the great pile of doom on her own.

Walking in the mix of preparation and desolation that greeted her would make Marie Kando tremble in fear. But she was determined! The kitchen was stacked with dishes so strategically one would call her a master of her craft- now this artform isn't one for the faint of heart, but art nonetheless. Putting down the new groceries away in the refrigerator and cabinets it was time to start.

"CUE THE CLEANING MONTAGE!" Y/n yelled as music filled the room. Pretending to be a tavern wench as she cleared the table and did the dishes or Cinderella waiting for a Hwang Prince Charming.

As the night wore on it was becoming increasingly obvious cleaning the entire apartment wasn't going to be an option tonight. Flopping on the couch looking at her phone Y/n scrolled through social media. Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter (Authors note: Fuck you Elon). She stopped and tossed the phone down onto the cushion beside her. Her shirt was wet, cold, still sudsy from doing the dishes that needed to be handwashed. Her knees hurt from getting under the table. Hands ached with the grip of a thousand suns it felt like.

All Y/n could hear though was the quiet. The dripping of the faucet, the cars outside, the heater kicking on. But like a ringing in her ears she just heard quiet. No laughter, no joy or drinks being spilt over stories that don't see the light of day. The air was heavy and thick cold enough to cause goosebumps up her arms. Y/n had moved away from everything she knew on the hope that she would find her place in the world. That she would find her people. Maybe she had, but in the moment she exhaled all that was left was a tired body. It was for thanksgiving, it was for people she now considered friends to come over and have a good time. The emptiness in stagnation though diligently reminded her of why they were her friends in the first place. There was no support group here like back at home. She didn't have to think twice about connotation or what someone meant when they said something because they all spoke the same language at home. Found similar things funny. Understood implications of words and meanings. That was all gone. Working twice if not three times as hard just to get a foot in the door Y/n was faced with the reality and consequence of her decision. She didn't regret it. Or at least at the moment, she didn't. The gnawing in her chest would subside one day and she would find friends, family. People to kiss under the golden hour sun and dance in the kitchen as things baked in the oven. To sneak around roommates and hold hands under the table at a restaurant. She would find them, like a mantra she chanted this over and over while moving to Korea and now she sat on her couch. Looking off into the middle distance her brain coaxing her to the scenarios where she wouldn't find them. Didn't take that step. Didn't say hi.

Yet she was swimming in silence meant to choke her. Drown her hope.

It wasn't enough to be lonely.

it wasn't enough to not understand.

It was in moments like these did she allow tears to reach her eyes and fall.

Over her cheeks, down her jaw, her neck. Just silently spill into empty glasses that never could be filled in the first place.

Her heart was wretched and blue it needed a fire to stay warm and she was almost there.

She looked around the apartment and could almost see Changbin and Seungmin yell at one another about cards, or Hyunjin silently judging her decorations, Chan trying to help but being told not to, and Felix talking about the pie she made. Just like a picture book, it was so close and she blinked and it was the empty room again. Sinking her fantasy into the sea.

...soon

............its soon

~~~~

The days leading up to the fateful Thursday were one of a lot of shopping, decorating, and cooking. Lots of cooking.

Proving the bread to make the rolls, blind baking the pie crust, hell even making the pie crust to then blind bake it. Mixing stuffing to set overnight, potatoes to peel and mash, cranberries to turn into a sauce, a turkey to baste and season and cook, Arms deep in a bird stuffing it with stuffing.

And yes the fisting jokes abound.

The group chat that was made kept the phone buzzing its way off the counter with the fervency in which some of the boys texted.

Jinnie: What should I wear?

Wolf boy: Do we need to bring anything?

Cat: I googled Thanksgiving and...do you really make hand turkey art?

It made Y/n giggle seeing how excited the boys were getting. This was what she needed after the work put in.

Y/n: Wear whatever you want, be comfortable, but Idk..like nice comfortable? Stuff you wouldn't mind photos being taken in? No don't bring anything, and yes we did as kids.

Bin: ...So no girl group outfit? lol

Y/n: No no you could if you wanted to, but that's between you and Stay lol.

Wolf boy: You sure we don't need to bring anything? I can pick something up on the way.

Minnie: Oy, grandpa she said not to~ ;P

Wolf boy:

Y/n: I cannot wait to see you thursday. Don't kill each other before then. Or else no one is gonna eat the food.

~~~~

The day had arrived. At least the dress rehearsal had. The day before it was no holds bars, if it wasn't going to be done that day it wasn't going to be done. Waking up at 6 am Y/n padded out to the kitchen. Making coffee and something to eat it was the waiting before the rush. The inhale of the orchestra before placing their bow on the strings, the grabbing of a mic and feeling it in your hand, the stare into the crowd before going on stage.

The 'hold your breath and jump.'

And the race was on!

Dishes from the cabinet were taken out, the nice dishes, the ones Y/n picked up thinking her social life would be fuller than it was. Yes those dishes. Beautiful and shined like the inside of a clamshell, pearl dust and fairy tears was what the label read originally. Some rich people shit as far as she was concerned, she just liked it being pretty.

The table was set with a red tablecloth, and leaves from maybe the tree outside her apartment, (they were yellow and red, and who really would have noticed?). Crystal glasses, and tapered candles waiting to be lit. Pine cones and wreath garlands shrugged against window sills and folded oh so strategically a brass-coloured throw blanket on the couch to cover a night of drinking.

The food slowly grew from one side of the counter to taking up the entire kitchen. Even having to borrow a table from her roommate to set everything out. Drinks, games to play. The oven heated up the apartment till Y/n had to take off her hoodie and reminisce that maybe this was what it was like to put coal into a train engine. Warm light from the stove swallowed the apartment in an amber-golden glow. Sitting on the kitchen linoleum her head fell back against the cabinet under the countertop. A smile gracing her features. She could hear the timer tick by, feel the heat from the stove, she could look up to the counter top and see dishes filled with food and it was all for tomorrow. For a good day. To have a good day. It will be worth it. She was sure.

By the time Y/n had decided to fold the fabric napkins it was past 1 in the morning. Her phone lit up with a notification, and she swiped her pin to see it was a text from Chris.

"Hi"

"Hey Chan, whatsup?"

"Nothin, working on music. You uh sure you don't want me to bring anything?"

*sends a photo of the buffet that has been created* "That your answer?"

.....

..........

"You did all that for us?"

"Well yea, I want you to have a good time."

"Y/n-"

"Yes Chan?"

"Thank you. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow. Thank you for doing this, I know you've been homesick. So I am looking forward to it!"

"Me too"

turning the screen black Y/n sat back against the chair and looked at the now decidedly more festive apartment. It was like a hallmark movie threw up and she wouldn't change a thing about it.

~~~~

The morning had come. Unlike Christmas or a birthday, this was about family and gathering around a table and honoring those around us. That is what it was supposed to be at least.

Taking the most deep everything shower one can achieve Y/n had it down almost to a science. Lathering body washes, scrubs, hair masks, everything! To hope she could look maybe half as good compared to who was going to walk into her place in a couple hours.

Slipping into a green dress, she put on an apron. Putting the last rolls into the oven wiping down countertops and doing last touches.

She had a hour before all hell would break loose and eight of the most talented men in their generation would be walking in through her front door. It made her nervous.

Not nervous bad, but nervous. First time she had people over to her apartment, first-time friends, but also she did work for them technically. It wasn't lost on Y/n just how amazing this situation was.

How many people would kill to have these opportunities in life. Sure things hurt, and sucked sometimes, but looking around she knew she was grateful and that's what mattered. Till the stove timer went off snapping her back to what needed to be done. Rolls out, covering them with a kitchen towel, running into the bedroom to slap on some makeup and finish her hair. It was just as she put down the last thing did the doorbell go off.

~~~

The group walked in with confidence like they owned the building but Y/n would expect nothing less. All in sweaters and hoodies, sweatpants and big hugs for the host. Standing next to the door Y/n was crushed with biceps only the kpop industry could produce. Holding her tight she kept each boy embraced till they were the first to let go. With Han, Felix, and Chan that could last the entire night though.

"This is your apartment?"

"LOOK AT THE FOOD!"

"You made bread???!"

"Do we eat now??"

"Oy! Y/n you decorated for us? Why?"

*insert Minho elbowing them*

"Its really nice!"

Her apartment was now filled with laughter. Han finding a guitar of course needed to waltz through and serenade anyone who would listen. Chris and Changbin fussing with the tv to get karaoke set up. Hyunjin indeed was judging the decorations but with the artistic eye of admiration in reality. Felix and Seugmin hovered over the food talking about it, pouring drinks. Leeknow sat on the couch scrolling on his phone ultimately being more moral support for the boys at the television. IN staying close to Y/n watching the groups chaos ensue.

It was what she needed.

What she had been missing.

Family.

"Okay everyone, dinner is served!" Taking the turkey out of the oven and the foil off the tops of serving plates "Chan would you do the honors?" Offering to have him place the turkey out on the serving table. His smile reached his eyes as his chest puffed up with pride calling the boys to have a seat. One by one they piled food on their plates high, filling their glasses full, and sitting down at the table antsy so excited to eat with everyone there. For they too felt the separation of the two apartments, they didn't get to have homecooked meals or someone to plan something this nice. But Y/n did. She saw how they ate from food delivery containers, vending machines, and out of each others plates. Her heart ached as did theirs and so tonight, today, would be spent healing that pain.

Chan cut the turkey, Minho continued to smack people's asses because he could, Changbin got up and did a girl group dance playing the song on his phone. People laughed till they cried. Pie was served and everyone commented at how much cool whip was on Felix's because "That's how you're supposed to eat it!"

The sun was setting casting the apartment in that golden hour hue. Where Y/n had normally kept busy, ignoring the pit in her stomach of another day gone by alone. She got to sit back and watch her friends, her new family enjoy time together. Eat a meal that they didn't have to stress about. The golden light filled Y/ns chest with warmth and the fuzziness of blankets at a sleep over, the stuffed animal won at a claw machine, the bed of home after being away. Time had passed, and she could let go of the pain that held her back if these boys were the ones to catch her.

And they would. Time and time again they would catch her. All she needed to do was jump. So while Han sang a disney princess song, and Seungmin and Minho admit defeat that maybe the holidays aren't as bad after all, or even Chan stopped the ever-present work load to be in the moment; Y/n finally had it. What she had been wanting all along. She found her place in the world.

In with these boys, in the laughter, in the pain of loneliness, she had found it.

Uno rounds, songs sung, pillows thrown, food ate, it was truly a Golden StrayKids Thanksgiving after all.

Where no one can be forgotten.

~~~

La fin.

[laf-outloud]

https://www.tumblr.com/nolovenobreaks/729763952800776192/this-is-something-that-ive-rarely-seen-discussed?source=share. Oh please!! Is this person serious? For someone who's stepped away from the fandom they sure seem all too keen to have their little pseudo intellectual masturbation session criticising gen. Interestingly after a week where she got a lot of (deserved) attention. I get what Gen is doing, everyone gets it. And you know what I have no problem with it. As a hands on mother of three kids (yes they might have a nanny, that doesn't mean she's a substandard mom) and having given the limelight to her husband for the last decade, I APPLAUD her for carving out a presence and brand for herself. And what the OP doesn't seem to realise, is that whatever benefits Gen will benefit her kids. Furthermore in no way does she post inappropriate content about the kids. A private upbringing doesn't necessarily bring a better upbringing. The fact that the kids get therapy (my god if i could afford it, I'd be doing the same with mine) just shows how switched on they are. Just, any excuse to lay into Gen will do. If she's not doing anything, she's a gold digger. If she's somewhat successful, she's abusing her kids. What a load of nonsense.

This person created a whole blog to make this post. And yet, this is in their header:

Um... that is neither cool, nor normal.

"No qualms..." Proceeds to write an entire essay about their qualms.

Also, OP could only be so lucky to have a husband that worships the ground they walk on. It's normal for sensitive guys who love their wives and it's the opposite of annoying. (My brothers and dad are just like that.)

I'm not going to share the rest (it's way too long) and self-righteous, but it basically boils down to this person outlining exactly how Gen and Jared's kids should be raised and how sharing miniscule moments of their lives is apparently unethical. All brought about because one influencer (8 Passengers) who had over a million more followers than Gen, was physically and mentally abusing her kids. Of course, that's not okay, but there is absolutely no comparison between them and the Padaleckis.

You know what I see when I see Gen and Jared's kids? Happy, healthy individuals who are encouraged to be whoever they want to be, and whose parents respect their wishes when it comes to what's posted online.

The best thing to do is to block and ignore this blog completely. As we've seen, the more people give attention to idiots, the more they'll continue being idiots.

Now, if they want to write a discourse on the actual blogger who was found abusing her kids, that would be more appropriate when addressing their concerns about mommy-blogging, but bringing Gen into it is just a cry for attention.

[elekinetic]

Quick! Tag your top favorite byler blogs (as many as you want) and tell my why you love them in one line to spread positivity on the dashboard and make someone's day!

FINALLY! THE TIME HAS COME!

this is in no particular order

first up. my wheelies. my ride or dies. call it traumabonding or whatever u want but these mfs know secrets of mine they better take to the grave

@hawkinsp0st, my first real friend on here. currently on hiatus but truly a kindred spirit. single-handedly changed the way i looked at the show with their hellfire color post. u simply get me and i miss ur brain!!

@ratt-duffer deserves so much more credit than you all give them. he just gets this show so well and has such well written analyses, but more than that, is just a fun fuckin person to exist around.

@willsglock my sister in glock. what can i say. she has permanently altered the way i think about brba and bcs. refreshingly honest in a way i wish more people were. occasionally breaks hearts w her writing.

@crazycoven no. 1 weezer stan in my heart ❤️ jk but fr hayden is such a cool person with some of the best themes and best takes on this site. very glad to know him

@tntozier deserves financial compensation for what theyve given to this tag. one of the brightest souls on here. everything he posts is a gift and u all should be so lucky 🤨 thank u for screaming abt st puzzle games and convincing me to download. i blame you for my crippling addiction.

ok onto some of my other favorite geniuses on here <3

@quinnick his energy??? immaculate. thank u for putting reddie content on my dash. u are so sweet and are the only valid ask hoarder. yes ofc i will send you more asks!! you deserve it!! even if you won’t stop making ur mom jokes.

@madcleradin just fucking gets it. she has never made a single post i did not wholeheartedly agree with. her understanding of the characters and the dynamics….phenomenal. also genuinely hilarious. very grateful to be mutuals w one sierra loveqbrl madcleradin

@mlchaelwheeler is a certified genius and is single-handedly responsible for getting me to restart succession. we don’t chat very often but when we do it is so much fun. she always puts such good posts i’ve never seen before on my dash and her analyses are genius. sarah’s blog is a gift to this site!!!

@chiquitablanquita changed my life with her poetry fic. i just. wow. wow. oh my god. yeah basically yeah. oh my god. i am in awe of you for the work u do outside of fandom and for the absolute insane talent u so gracefully share with us.

@eightieslesbian is The Gif Maker on here. her visions…holy shit. yes her gifs of my demos and the bitch meredith brooks gifset haunt my dreams bc she is the sweetest person on here and the fact that she DOWNLOADED MY MUSIC?? hello my heart is broken in two. but can we talk about HER original stuff?? HELLO?? she is so insanely talented and her vision is just….omg. OMG.

@elmaxed lumi and i don’t chat all that much but her brain is just so correct always and forever. her writing is wonderful and her energy is stellar. always happy to see her on my dash.

@wibble-wobbegong is such a fun blog to follow. he’s just such a cool dude and has such a nuanced understanding of mike. plus a great signature blog theme. dude has a BRAND, mad respect

@astrobei i cannot believe we are mutuals. i CANNOT BELIEVE we are mutuals. genuinely one of my favorite writers on ao3 and i still fangirl a little everytime we interact. like. the fics….holy shit. HOLY shit. she has such a firm understanding of the characters and has never written anything that doesn’t feel true to the show, regardless of AU or canon compliance. hanleia costume fic my beloved. good god they are such a talented writer.

@smoosnoom the scream i scrumpt when i got the follow notification. first fic writer i actually learned how to use the “subscribe” function on ao3 for. there are no words for the absolute batshit amount talent stored in this tumblr blog. ik y’all have read i’m tearing you asunder (cue “uh yeah, i’ve read the classics” tiktok audio) but every fic in their fix it series….jesus christ. run up that hill to go read rn.

@strangeswift is in a category of her own. abby u are a twin flame and i am so glad to know u. u simply understand me!! y’all she is such a fuckin phenomenal writer and is SO CEREBRAL in the way she approaches the show. her mike s4 pov snippets live rent free in my head. truly the only person who could get me to voluntarily read angst. NEVER misses with her takes and is just. so smart. SO SMART. the most supportive mfer on here fr. you guys aren’t ready for milevenvision or any of the other stuff you should be so lucky for abby to put out.

ok i could talk about my friends and moots for hours and i definitely DEFINITELY missed ppl but pls just know i follow blogs i love love love the content of and if we are mutuals i value u to the moon and back <333

[rinhaler]

The anon who just found out u were fuwushiguro here!!

Yes I absolutely understand the frustration from not performing as well with follower count to likes ratio - as an artist who used to be quite popular and likes went from thousands to only like seventy. At some point you feel like you’re not doing it for you, but actually for others. I’m happy you realised the happiness can come from writing and not only hate.

The friend who left you I can also relate to a bit, my ex best friend of 6 years also left me quite recently and it was like there was an empty hole in me because even if you’re not friends anymore, your brain can’t quite handle the change. I’m so sorry that happened to you, but the greatest challenge is to not only hold yourself to one person but to be open and try new possibilities, and that’s what you’ve seemed to done! You have new friends, new mental attitude, and a brand new beautiful blog (that I love the theme of btw!!!) You’re doing great and will continue to do so, because if there are 100 rinhaler fans I’m one of them, if there are 10 rinhaler fans I’m one of them and if there are none, I’m dead.

Also to the question you had, idk it’s just the way you describe certain things..? It’s hard to explain, I have about 50 fanfic blogs that I really love the writing of and fuwushiguro was one of them. Your world building, character description as well as development, SO GOOD!! And your wusyaname series was amazing, I used to check your blog religiously for any updates, and I’m happy you’re reuploading them here bc now I’m gonna reread them every week!

Also the way you wrote yuuji in the aita!sukuna fic was extremely similar to the first few chapters in wusyaname before he goes on that trip (if I remember right)

Have a great day/night :D

omg ARTIST AAAAAA im obsessed I'd love to see your stuff if you ever feel comfortable sharing with me sometime but no pressure ofc! I know it's very personal! ive been trying to get more into art but im finding it hard to balance practicing art stuff and writing. I also have massive art insecurity bc I don't think I'm good enough (same with my writing) so I totally understand if u wanna keep it all to yourself but go you for being a talented babe <3

interactions on tumblr suck and I'm starting to be able to tell myself it's purely luck what performs well and what doesn't, so I'm finding it a lot easier to write things I actually want to write now rather than what I think my followers will like.

Also yeah in regard to my friend, we were online friends and we'd only known each other for around two years but god i adored her and i still do tbh. I think about her and our memories all of the time we were so so close so her decision to just randomly cut me off really hurt. I'd love to talk to her again but I know I have to respect her decision and I wish her the best!

It's been a good opportunity to get back into writing so at least something nice has come from something so sad. And I love this little space so much! I'm glad you like my theme! It was greenish at first n i was like nope this aint the one i am a pink girl through and through!

ALSO AAAA THE WAY IM BLUSHING ABT AITA YUUJI BEING LIKE WUSYANAME YUUJI UR SO RIGHT 😩 definitely not intentional but god maybe i missed him more than i thought! I'm so excited to be reposting it though it's going to be like living through the magic of it all again and hearing what everyone thinks and stuff! I haven't read it in so long so I feel like I'm right there with you all hehehe

anyway thank you for supporting me always ur literally the best i adore u pls take care of urself mwah mwah mwah

[kikuneesama]

Ich habe 4.359 Mal im Jahr 2022 etwas gepostet

Das sind 761 more posts als 2021!

39 Einträge erstellt (1%)

4.320 Einträge gerebloggt (99%)

Blogs, die ich am häufigsten gerebloggt habe:

@dingdongyouarewrong

@belladonnaboudreaux

@calamitaswrath

@marierclaire

@enevera

Ich habe 838 meiner Einträge im Jahr 2022 getaggt

#nart reblog spree – 9 Einträge

#yea – 8 Einträge

#jjk – 6 Einträge

#spy x family – 5 Einträge

#my god – 4 Einträge

#anyway – 4 Einträge

#honestly – 3 Einträge

#its true – 3 Einträge

#sigh – 3 Einträge

#oh god yea – 3 Einträge

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#accusing him of deflecting after you asked him if he wants to hear his best friends voice again like you dont u nderstand how grief works

Meine Top-Einträge im Jahr 2022:

#5

when you write one of your favourite ships and it does so poorly, not even as in people dont click it, no, they just dont like it apparently

4 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 21. August 2022

#4

I’m offering free fanfics in exchange for a donation to ukraine on my other blog and today after i handed one off the person literally went through my story and like marked it as if they were a teacher grading an essay

not only grammar mistakes or comma but also like “wrong word” and “i dont understant what you want to say with this”.

needless to say my confidence is crushed forever so thats fun

5 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 3. April 2022

#3

Happy birthday @enevera!! Here is a little something something, I hope you might like. I'm sorry I couldn't come up with anything cooler fsdklfsdaklf. I havent written in a while and idk with my brain yet. Anyway, wish you a great day and all good things. Sending hugs &lt;3

Uh, yeah, this is I guess Satoru x Suguru x Shouko .... maybe

2064 words

unedited because im lazy.

There is this certain type of cigarette smell that transforms Shouko back in time whenever she smells it. It does not matter where exactly she is, Tokyo’s main station, the narrow ways between the high rise buildings of Ropponing, the long way up the road to the school, if she just catches a whiff of that smell it is like she timewarped back to being a teenager.

Maybe that is why she stopped smoking those brands of cigarettes completely.

Once you enter adulthood, many people in the country start looking back at their childhood summers with this nostalgia for a time that seemed almost too perfect to be real. Anime, movies, music and tv often discuss these summers, the longing an adult feels for them and how a time like this would never happen ever again.

Shouko hated this. Summers were hot, summers were sweaty and overtly sunny and full of bugs and cicada noise. As a kid she would hide in the basement, and now, as an adult, she was doing much the same. 

Her childhood summer, the one she longs for, happened when started when she was 15. It lasted for much more than four years and it smelled of chewing gum, wooden rooms and menthol cigarettes.

Being a person who can see cursed spirits didn’t make you a popular student with the other kids in schools. So for her first 8 or so years in school, Shouko tried to stay out of everybody’s way. That didn’t mean they didn’t whisper about her behind her back, thinking her interest in medicine and especially forensic sciences were odd. Still, she didn’t have it as bad as other kids like her, she was not bullied, she was mostly just left alone.

It was good to be alone. She knew how to cope alone.

It was an unusually warm April day, the cherry blossoms just falling down the trees when Shouko entered Jujutsu High for the first time. She was almost sweating in the black new uniform with the long sleeves. She was greeted by the headmaster, introduced to her teacher and told that she’d share the year with two boys. She wasn’t very interested in them.

Shouko heard Gojo Satoru before she saw him. The corridor with the student rooms was full of the noise of his laughter. When he introduced himself to her, with that sly smile of his, and told her who he was, what significance he had, how he was going to be unbeatable, Shouko guessed and guessed right instantly, that he was overplaying.

That he was lonely was obvious, even if you couldn’t see his eyes.

Geto Suguru was a different kind of boy. He was quiet, an outsider and he knew it. He was friendly, always overly courteous. He inquired about her medical books and anatomy posters and overall did some friendly small talk. Shouko guessed that he too had been mostly alone and instead of becoming louder, like Satoru, had just quieted down more. 

All three of them were similar in that regard.

At first she thought she'd never like either of them very much. 

And so classes began.

Getting to know both of them was a slow but rewarding process. Shouko had been right about Satoru, he had been isolated from other people most of his life so far and craved human connections. He would come by her room even when she was studying, hanging on her bed throwing balls at the ceiling and down until she told him to leave.

Suguru turned out to be a real nerd. Super interesting and classic and modern Anime and Manga, though he hid his addiction well. In his room he kept most of his Manga volumes under his bed and in the corner, all neatly packed and dust free, as if they were porn magazines. But if he was asked about it, he would never stop talking. Shouko sometimes spent evenings with him just sitting side by side reading in comfortable silence.

She knew the boys were doing things together without her too. That they spent time with just the two of them. One time she opened the door to Satoru’s room for this and that and they were laying shoulder to shoulder on his bed. 

At the time she had no way to explain the stinging she felt at being excluded from the intimate moment.

They were a trio. Most first years came into the school in Trio’s or groups of four, but none were as close as the three of them. It was impossible to mention Suguru without mentioning Satoru and Shouko too. Triple S, the first years called them once they graduated to year two, and they meant it in annoyance and admiration.

That second spring, Shouko brought the menthol cigarettes for the first time. She ignored the “That’s bad for your health” and “those stink” comments from Satoru whenever she put on one, and his dramatically waving hands if it was around him. Smoking was nice and a stress relief and made her feel good.

Smoking wasn’t allowed in the dorms or through the open windows as the smell could seep into the furniture and curtains, so Shouko often had to go outside to have some. Either of the boys, sometimes both of them, often accompanied her then, even if Satoru often pulled a face.

The smell of the cigarettes seeped into all of them anyway, their hair, their clothes, their minds that summer, with so many things happening. Shouko was watching the boys grow from the sidelines. Her career path was different and so they were often separated. But before and after missions they’d still all sit together, outside, on porches or in gardens and on benches, talking, laughing and the smell of Shouko’s cigarettes were always there too.

Shouko loved both of them. Each in their own way, but at best together. In those times she used to think that if she’d be able to live with them side by side forever, she would never need to marry. They would be family enough.

Suguru could endlessly talk about manga he had bought, new shonen jump issues and anime adaptations, but it was Satoru who brought in the story that finally helped her figure her mind out. It was a Shoujo manga, something Suguru would never touch if he could help it. Satoru was raving about it, the story of a protagonist who couldn’t choose between two suitors. “She loves them both,” Satoru exclaimed. “So she can’t choose! It's incredibly exciting to read.”  

“You can’t love two people,” Shouko said in reflex, but took the books anyway. To humour him.

Amongst all the relatively standard romance and reverse-harem tropes Shouko actually did find the narrative pretty interesting. The lead character did love both boys very clearly and struggled to decide who to pursue. Didn’t help that both guys had different personality traits that fit neatly into hers, but none of them was perfect.

Vollständigen Eintrag ansehen

7 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 10. Oktober 2022

#2

alright @nyctibrae i continued f m a b (finally!) from the point we both stopped watching together which means episode 10 and my review for that one is: pain

get back for more reviews tomorrow

9 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 24. September 2022

Meine #1 des Jahres 2022

*slides into ur asks* Watching FMA I hear? 👀

Yes!! It is @foebito's favourite anime soooo we did the best trade deal of all the trade deals in history so I finally get to watch it :D I got to pick 4? Anime or so to match the runtime of FMAB which we will watch together (and 2 we already did and one halfway!) and we started FMAB... last week?

10 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 21. März 2022

Hol dir deinen Tumblr-Jahresrückblick 2022 →

[clumsyclifford]

ok hello i absolutely love all ur fics, you’ve just got a certain quality in ur writing that is just… mmm. yeah so anyway, do you have any advice on how to improve or just how to write?? (especially fic cause personally i struggle with that more than original stuff??)

hello!! that is very kind of you to say thank you <3

advice on how to write. oh boy. oh man. well i can try. i will do my best. i will also try to be brief but we all know how that song goes

update from having finished answering this: alright. okay. this is not only long, but decidedly english teacher-y. i’m sorry that i am the way that i am. this is what you get for asking a leo for writing advice. am i joking? maybe. maybe not. anyway. this post got away from me in a big way so here’s a read more. warning: LONG post under the cut.

1. study your characters. for RPF like the band stuff i write, that literally means watching interviews, watching them perform, seeing how they interact with each other, picking up on their mannerisms (behavior) - what they do with their hands, if they repeat themselves or stutter when they talk, the quality of their voice when they're talking about different things, and so on. also keep track of things they mention a lot in interviews especially about each other - for example jack has mentioned before that alex has an annoying habit of twirling his hair when he zones out. that kind of thing. IMPORTANT NOTE!: you don’t have to use all of this information. just like studying for anything, you collect all the information you can and then you parse through it and use whatever you think will contribute or be relevant to your story.

2. remember that characters are people. or at least they’re representing people, which is an important distinction (see #3). still, considering that your characters are people can be a helpful way to get out of your head. see, characters are supposed to be archetypical, and fulfill a role, and say certain things in certain ways and never really deviate from that. but people are highly unpredictable and behave in random ways for random reasons and have thought processes that are unfathomable. people will just do fuckin’ whatever. if you’re worried that your characters aren’t behaving in a believable way, keep in mind that you’re trying to make your characters represent people, and people’s behavior is justifiable any number of ways. people just do shit.

3. remember that characters are not people. sike! no but seriously, this is just as important to remember. unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, characters are never going to be people. that’s a good thing for stories, though. characters can pick up on nuance in senses that people can’t - they can distinguish between different facial expressions, different smells, different sounds - BUT ONLY INSOFAR AS IT MOVES THE STORY ALONG. in other ways, characters are ridiculously oblivious. you can use this to your advantage. in fact, a lot of the time, you have to. if your character notices right away that someone is flirting with him, then you can’t write a 30k slow burn, for example. characters don’t do that thing humans do where they go “what?” but then halfway through the re-explanation they register what’s been said. pretty much everything characters say has meaning. (by this i don’t mean semantic meaning, i mean significance - characters don’t really just say “what?” because they didn’t hear what someone said, they say “what?” because they can’t believe it or they don’t understand it or they refuse to understand it. characters never seem to run into the didn’t-hear-them problem. must be nice.)

characters can do whatever you want or need them to do, because you’re in charge of them. (sometimes this doesn’t feel true - mine do all kinds of shit and i just have go “well alright then” - but it is true.) they are gears in a story. you decide when and how they turn.

4. dialogue is your friend. i am super super biased here, because i looove writing dialogue. if you talk to sam about this i’m sure she would say that description and narration are the ways to go. but you came to me, so i get to say that dialogue is god. i don’t want to say that dialogue is the only method of communication (i know nonverbal communication is real), but dialogue is the fastest and most effective method of communication, and by extension, the most effective way to advance relationships between characters. now. obviously there are exceptions. if characters are kissing, they’re probably not doing a lot of talking. if they’re trying to be undercover or discreet, they’re more likely to rely on gestures and facial expressions than speaking. if you’re writing a very peaceful scene, you might not want to undercut it by adding a lot of chit-chat. but i maintain that dialogue is the best way to move a story along, for a few reasons. 

first, at least for me, too much description is just tiring. depending on how skillful the writer is (sam), i can read a fair amount before i hit my limit, but unlike in mean girls, the limit DOES exist. you don’t want to over-describe the world (see #5). second, i find that dialogue is a really really good indicator of a person’s character. this is especially true and relevant in fanfiction, which is a lot more character-driven than original fiction in many ways. also, in a sec i’m gonna talk about showing [not/and] telling, which is every english teacher’s bitch, but dialogue is a really good way of showing who a person is and also a good way to establish facts about the universe. you could just narrate and be like “Jack hated waking up early,” and that works and in many cases it’s perfectly legit. but you could also do something like this:

“What the fuck,” Jack mumbled, still half asleep. “You better have a really fucking good reason to be waking me up this early. Like someone better have fucking died.”

and sometimes that’s just a more fun way to say it. (for the record you can also show AND tell here! there’s no reason why you can’t have this line of dialogue and then a line in the narration confirming how very much jack is not a morning person!)

the last reason why i am particularly fond of dialogue is because i am also particularly fond of communication, which is a preference thing. let’s face it, guys: characters aren’t gonna communicate if they’re not literally actually talking to each other. dialogue means talking to each other. talking to each other means solving problems, fixing (or creating) conflicts, understanding each other better. i love communication, ergo, i love dialogue. And You Should Too. 

5. describe the world, but don’t over-describe. i opened this fic earlier and it was like “jack was excited to wake up to go to his first class at the university of baltimore” and i just. i was like is this really relevant. do i really need to know this. and i never found out because i closed the fic but in my defense it was on wattpad and i had only opened it out of curiosity. look. there are three ways to use details in fic. (a) introduce them right away (b) introduce them when they become relevant or (c) don’t introduce them at all. let me give you some examples. 

(a) say your character A (i’m using jack because i’m used to him) wakes up. he’s in his room in his house off-campus. character B (rian) walks into the room. this might be a good time to explain that rian is his housemate. to that point: “show not tell” is a good rule, but sometimes “show and tell” is just as good. e.g.: 

Rian walks in, holding Jack’s Green Day shirt and looking irritated. That’s really nothing new; Rian looks irritated at Jack roughly once a day. Being housemates for a year will do that to a friendship.

boom, now you’ve let everyone know they live together without throwing it in their face, and you’ve also told everyone that these two guys are friends and have been friends for at least a year but probably longer. you showed it by having rian walking in holding jack’s shirt - usual housemate behavior - but you also told it in a subtle way that established the relationship and some kind of history between these two. well done.

(b) sometimes you want a certain detail to make an impact. this is the kind of thing you hold onto and don’t specify, and in certain cases you leave the reader wondering, “well what about x?” and then when you finally explain x they go ohhhhhhhhhh. yknow. the italicized oh. consider the following:

(A)

“Alex is in my bio class,” Rian says, referring to Jack’s ex-boyfriend of last year.

Jack frowns. “So? Why should I care?”

“He’s my lab partner,” Rian says. “I have to spend a lot of time with him.”

“I don’t care what you and Alex do,” Jack says. “But you should know he sucks at bio.”

Rian gives Jack a look. “First of all, that’s not true, he’s incredibly smart. And second, I’m telling you as a courtesy, because I thought you might not want your ex-boyfriend hanging around our house after he broke your fucking heart.”

(B)

“Alex is in my bio class,” Rian says.

Jack frowns. “So? Why should I care?”

“He’s my lab partner,” Rian says. “I have to spend a lot of time with him.”

“I don’t care what you and Alex do,” Jack says. “But you should know he sucks at bio.”

Rian gives Jack a look. “First of all, that’s not true, he’s incredibly smart. And second, I’m telling you as a courtesy, because I thought you might not want your ex-boyfriend hanging around our house after he broke your fucking heart.”

the only difference between these two excerpts (which i just wrote lol they’re not from anything real) is that the second one doesn’t explain who alex is right away. that makes it way more interesting when rian reveals who alex is a few lines later. magic.

(c) take this college au that we’ve established here. where does it take place, you ask? easy answer: it doesn’t matter. you don’t need to say what school they’re at. this will make your job easier, because then no one can fact check you, and it also means you don’t have to decide what school they’re at. but even if you do decide, it’s not usually necessary to say. believe me, you can go thousands of words without ever needing to specify what school they’re at. you know why? because it doesn’t matter. and no one cares. and as soon as you specify in canon that they’re at a particular school, you are bound to be accurate to everything that school does, and that makes your job way more difficult than it needs to be. as hazel once said, work smarter, not harder. 

6. adverbs are also your friend. (yknow, words that describe verbs, typically ending in -ly, like “loudly” or “angrily” or “smoothly”.) ESPECIALLY when it comes to dialogue tags. (dialogue tags are the things you add to dialogue to say who’s talking and how they’re talking - like “he said” or “he whispered” or “he earnestly explained” or whatever). a lot of the writing advice you’ll see nowadays will usually guide you away from overusing dialogue tags other than the classic “says/said” and i STRONGLY concur with that advice. things like yelled, cried, mumbled, snapped - these are very good in moderation, when you’re really trying to emphasize the way a person is speaking. the more you use them, the less impact they have. in most cases, a simple “he said [adverb]” will do. instead of “he snapped” consider “he said curtly/sharply/coldly.” instead of “he mumbled” consider “he said quietly/clumsily/softly.” I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT THESE ARE NOT DIRECT SYNONYMS. every word has a nuanced and slightly different meaning and that is the BEAUTY of the english language!!!! all i’m saying is that in many cases, a verb can be replaced with an adverb to achieve roughly the same effect, without making the reader feel like they’re scanning a thesaurus.

and speaking of a thesaurus: it’s not cheating to use outside resources like thesaurus.com to help you come up with words. i fuckin love thesaurus.com. i use that shit all the time for everything. i use it when i’m writing emails. i used it just now to write that last paragraph. thesaurus.com is your BEST friend.

7. grammar. (and spelling but that’s really a given.) unfortunately if i tried to teach you all of the essential rules of grammar this post would exceed tumblr’s previously-nonexistent word count limit. so i’m not gonna teach you any of them. this is just a general point to suggest that if/when you’re writing, have someone you trust, with a good grasp of grammar, look over it. of course it doesn’t have to be perfect or AP style or anything like that. readers will overlook a certain amount of grammar mistakes and every reader has a different threshold. but in general, as a grammar geek and former journalism editor-in-chief, i have a duty to my grammurai code to preach the importance of grammar in writing. good grammar does not necessarily mean good writing and vice versa, bad grammar does not necessarily mean bad writing, but bad grammar makes good writing a lot harder to read, and in some cases will even obscure your actual meaning. so please, have someone read it. for the record this is me offering up my services. i am very good at fixing grammar. i have lots of weaknesses in writing but grammar is one of my strengths. please prioritize grammar. thank you for coming to my ted talk.

***

okay so now that i’ve said all of this shit and pretended to be an expert and embodied everyone’s tenth grade english teacher, let me add one very important disclaimer:

none of this is always relevant.* writing is an art, not a science. you are never going to be following all of the rules, all of the time. you shouldn’t. it’s good to know the basics of constructing a plot, establishing a character, showing and/not telling, moving the story along. but a lot of this advice is really subjective and heavily influenced by my writing experience and habits and tendencies and preferences, and those are simply not generalizable to the world. i am a sample size of one and science dictates that that means my results cannot be statistically significant. i am just some guy. earlier i said you don’t want to over-describe the world. but maybe you do! maybe you’re really into worldbuilding and you want people to know what they’re getting into. maybe you’re like sam, and you just don’t feel as confident in your dialogue skills but you love painting word pictures. i said that adverbs are your friend, but maybe you just prefer to use verbs. maybe you don’t want ANY dialogue tags and you want the reader to interpret the dialogue based on context and content. i said that characters aren’t people and they won’t behave like people, but maybe you’re trying to write hyper-realistic characters. maybe you’re just going for believability over narrative. WHATEVER. the point is, rules are made to be broken. no one is going to have The Answer for How To Write Good because there isn’t just one answer. every single writing rule has exceptions and you can be that exception as many times as you want.

*except grammar. grammar is fucking always relevant.

i hope any of this advice was helpful to you, even though i english teacher-ed the fuck out of it. and for what it’s worth, i approached this as if you were a relatively novice writer, but i know absolutely jack shit about your writing prowess and experience and habits. so maybe you already know all of this and none of what i’ve said is helpful at all. if you have a more specific problem, i would be happy to try and help. if you’re hoping for more specific feedback, i’d have to read something of yours first - but again, happy to try and help. i don’t know if you can tell but i loooove writing and english and grammar and all of this shit and it would be my honor. i have now spoken so long that james madison himself is begging me to shut up so i’ll stop here but thank you for coming by and giving me the opportunity to expatiate a shit ton. and GOOD LUCK i forgot the most important advice of writing which is HAVE FUN LOVE WHAT YOU WRITE AND WRITE WHAT YOU LOVE OKAY BYE

[hephaestiions]

you literally glorified infidelity in your wireless 2020, fic writers like you really need to die out before you damage the community at large

you know, i’ve cycled through many iterations of a response to this ask. 

first i thought, let’s respond with a bit of sass. let’s say something like, ‘bold of you to assume i haven’t already died out, that tumblr isn’t just a congregation of ghosts moaning about the lives they wish they had’ or ‘what’s a community’ or maybe even a screenshot of the actual definition of glorification (which, well, i do suggest you look up anyway). 

then i thought, why entertain it at all? this is my space, this is my blog, it’s my fic. i can delete this ask, turn off anons and be done with it. i would be within my rights to do that. 

i also thought many times of explaining the contents of my fic. of explaining myself. contemplated answering this with poetry that metaphorically explains the many many things wrong with this. 

but here’s what i finally settled on:

honestly, anon, i’m feeling a little salty. it seems to me that you want fandom to be a highly sanitised space that fits into your personal parameters of ‘safe’ or consumable. what concerns me about that, and about this particular genre of anon hate in general is– for some reason your safe and sanitised world does not exclude sending people comments such as “...[you] need to die out”. i would argue that suggesting someone needs to die is maybe exponentially more threatening and damaging to ‘the community at large’ than a tagged fic that includes a disclaimer stating i do not endorse the behaviour i am writing about, but hey! personal opinions, am i right? 

i’m not going to defend my fic. i don’t feel the need to.

but if you think fanfiction about infidelity, fictional work that does not automatically demonise individuals who do something awful as the worst kind of monsters to exist, will actively push people to cheat on their partners (which is what i am assuming your definition of ‘damage’ to be in this scenario)... i’m going to have to ask you to reevaluate. fiction is not validation. it is exploration in a world where there are no real life casualties or consequences. 

i cannot believe that people have to keep repeating this: sanitising fan spaces by censoring content you personally find offensive will not in any way make fandom safer.  

in fact, this is literally the kind of comment that puts people and the ‘community’ in danger. 

i’ll explain. 

imagine this: people listen to you. people say, well, the glorification of infidelity really is quite awful, quite traumatising, we ought to ban it. but who determines what glorification is? who determines what romanticisation is? the line is too blurry anon, the only way forward here is to ban infidelity in fics completely. 

now readers who found comfort and solace in reading infidelity fics with hurt/comfort, with forgiveness or with freedom, with a particular quote that resonated with them, readers who turned to this fic at 3 am... they’ve lost it too. 

but hey, let’s take it further still, because that’s what this type of censorship will open fandom up to. let’s talk about how this will validate people who find content with any exploration of nsfw themes, r*cism, mis*gyny, homoph*bia, transph*bia, r*pe offensive. let’s talk about how they will approach the showrunners of censorship with the same argument: this content could be traumatising, could be validating for someone’s darker impulses, let’s ban it. and it all gets banned. 

enemies to lovers, banned because it might be construed as abusive. a/b/o, might be construed as misogynistic or codependent. hmm. high-school/college, oh god, that could be underage! soulmates? where’s the agency?! kid-fics? a minefield, any parenting is bad parenting to parents who do not parent that way. mcd? let’s not even go there. body-swap? the consent issues!! 

“alright. what about ‘there was only one bed’?” “well, i mean, i’m really not comfortable with that, it’s really creepy how writers will just force characters who don’t want to consent to that kind of intimacy into each others’ spaces.”

now i’m not saying that your personal opinions on these tropes, these themes, these topics is invalid. i’m not saying that if you’re triggered or made uncomfortable by these things, you should still read them. i’m saying that enforcing your personal preferences and takes on every single person in a community is not what critical consumers of media do, it’s what fascist and authoritarian governments and abusive individuals who do not understand boundaries do. 

here’s the truth about media that antis don’t like: there are antis for the media they actually do like. you ban something, you open up the goddamn floodgates for fluff antis to present their cases about how making characters ooc in fluff can be highly traumatic to people and how it should be banned. you start this brand of censorship, you risk losing fandom and the community you are so concerned about me damaging entirely. 

i’ll leave you with a realisation i’ve come to by reading all the posts made by people better with words than i am: the fastest way to create a dystopia is for someone to think their version of utopia is universal.

further reading for folks who might be interested in tumblr posts about fanfic: 

fanfiction as a collective exists as a combination of the ideal state and all the broken pieces that are left behind.  fanfiction: the stories mainstream showrunners won’t tell. for the people trying to make fandom a better place.

coexistence of hurt and healing

there are thousands of other such posts, articles, books, academic articles, maybe even interviews on the subject, and if anyone wants to send a few mine (and anon’s) way, feel free!

[yan-twst]

♡ mod’s yandere prompt writing list ♡

♡ these are yan-twst’s mod’s personal yandere prompt list! i wrote them to use here on my blog, but anyone else can reblog them and use them if they want!

“ah, look... there’s blood all over me.”

“don’t you see? it’s your fault- you made me like this.”

“in the end... you’re only good for being with me. you’re useless at anything else, aren’t you?”

“i’m sorry for stealing your personal belongings... now that you’re here forever, i can return them!”

“nothing. without you- i’m... nothing.”

“you have no idea... the things i’ve done while thinking of you, darling...”

“i don’t care if you think i’m a monster; i’ve decided you’re mine.”

“it’s cute how you think you have a choice!”

“well, maybe if you’d accepted my confession, all these people wouldn’t have had to die...”

“if you think of leaving, i’ll make death seem like a blessing to you.”

“aah, forgive me for what i must do... i just can’t live on without you...!”

“feeling dizzy? well, it’s too late to realize: you already ingested what i slipped in your drink.”

“sure, i’ll let you run away. but if i catch you... then it’s fair game for me to do what i want.”

“the more you squirm, the more excited i’ll get, silly.”

“if you keep screaming, you could damage your vocal cords- go ahead, i don’t mind.”

“anyone who could rescue you is already dead. give up.”

“you don’t know how much i hate being this way- but i can’t change.”

“i tried my best to be a normal lover... but it simply won’t work. you understand, right?”

“want to escape? tell me, what other person would ever love someone like you?”

“the outside is so dangerous, don’t you see? if i wasn’t here to protect you, who knows what would happen to you...”

“i’m trying really hard to be nice to you here, but you’re making it real hard.”

“apologize? why would i? i haven’t done anything i didn’t have the right to.”

“you’re so sweet... i’m addicted to your presence.”

“i don’t care if it’s the drugs making you speak; say you love me, again.”

“don’t look at me like that... you know i do everything i do because i love you.”

“those bruises... did i do that...?”

“if you keep me happy, your life will be good, don’t you understand?”

“you just aren’t fit to be on the outside world. stay here with me- i’ll take care of you.”

“don’t you get it? i’m in charge here- you’re basically a glorified servant.”

“if i was you, i wouldn’t bother trying to escape. you’re too weak.”

“why are you so ungrateful? there’s nobody else other than me who could ever love such a miserable creature like you.”

“i ordered you to stay quiet. stop crying.”

“i didn’t mean to- no, god, i love you so much...! how could i have done this?”

“that’s right, just accept me... you’ll be so happy with me...”

“i’ve tried to be tolerant, but your disobedience has reached a limit i cannot ignore.”

“i wish i could love you the normal way.”

"your fear is so delicious to me"

"you look beautiful when you sleep... i'd know- i watched you, after all"

"it's ok if you don't love me, i'll still do whatever i want"

"don't you dare think of anyone other than me"

"i wish i didn't need to make you drink love potions for you to act caring, darling"

"from now on, you're my pet- go on, keep me entertained"

"this is your last warning. either you're obedient, or i'll make you obedient"

"all i ever asked was for you to love me back... are you so selfish you won't even give me that?"

"are you so desperate for human contact you'll come to me? good, that was the point"

"well, you can sleep here with me, or i could chain you up and make you sleep on the ground. it's your choice"

"say you love me, or else i might do something we both won't like"

"did you think you could escape me...? don't you know we're meant for each other? you're destined to return to me"

"i never claimed to be a good person. if you didn't want this to happen, you shouldn't have made me fall in love with you"

"i'll use you to my heart's content. don't you dare complain- it's what you deserve"

"if you're smart, you're going to stop struggling and kiss me back right now"

“apologize? why would i? you know very well you brought the punishment upon yourself.”

“stop crying- you made me mad. tears aren’t getting you out of this one.”

“i’ll count to three, and you better say you love me, or else i’ll do something neither of us will like.”

“if you behave, we’re all going to be happy here, so why do you keep acting out?”

“i’m starting to think you’re a bit of a masochist. i mean, why else would you keep angering me over and over again?”

“you bruise too easily- i haven’t even roughed you up yet...”

“cry, scream, i don’t care. you can’t do anything against me.”

“don’t you get it? i could kill you if i wanted to, but i won’t- because i love you.”

“i hurt your friends? no, you did that- by disobeying me and talking to them.”

“don’t make me lose my temper again. i love you and you’re making it too tempting to punish you.”“cry, cry some more, please... it looks good on you.”

“it’s ok if you hate me- i’ll still be able to do as i please with your pretty face.”

“aw, did you flinch? i was just reaching over for my phone- what did you think would happen?”

“tears suit you better than any makeup. i could watch you cry all day.”

“there’s some pleasure to be found in pain, they say. maybe you’ll learn to enjoy punishment at one time, too.”

“i like having power over you, don’t you get it? there’s no way to get out of this.”

“run, cry, scream; you’re still just dancing in the palm of my hand.”

“it’s ok to give up. in fact, i encourage it- just let the future i’ve chosen for you run its course.”

"you know i hate to hurt you... so please, don’t make me do it.”“i would never lie to you, darling, so i mean it when i say you shouldn’t be talking to others.”

“oh, nasty rumours about you are being spread...? my, i wonder who could’ve done such a thing...”

“i’ve done so much for you, the least you can do is love me back.”

“you’re to naive. if i don’t protect you from danger, who will?”

“that’s right, just let me control your life. there’s no way someone like you could even live alone.”

"you’re crying... ah, it’s because you love me, right?”“i don’t understand why you’re getting away from me... we’re a couple!”

“i’ve already told your parents you’d spend the holidays at my place, so stop crying. lovers do this all the time, so why aren’t you understanding this?”

“we’ll be together, forever and ever... forever...!”

“i cooked us a romantic dinner! so stay still while i detach the chains form you so we can go sit down, ok?”

“shh, please don’t cry... all relationships have their ups and downs, and i’m sure you’ll get used to being locked inside soon!”

"all the blood i’ve ever spilled was because of you.”“you don’t need anyone other than me. i’ll be your everything.”

“what did you think would happen? i told you i was an intense lover, didn’t i?”

“love hurts, get used to it.”

“say you love me again. say it so much i get drunk off it- i don’t care if you mean it or not, i just need to hear it.”

“don’t complain to me. you’re the one who tempted me, i just did as my instincts said.”

“your phone number, your favorite color, the brand of your clothes... i’ve memorized it all, see?”

“sure, you can turn me down. but i don’t think you’d want me to publish all these photos i’ve taken while you weren’t looking, would you?”

“oh... well, you found the photo of you i keep in my pillow, huh? ... well, what do you think of that? should i just keep the real thing instead of a pic?”

“now, stop drooling- we don’t need everyone to know you’re under a love potion, love.”

“oh, you aren’t that drunk, don’t worry. i just drugged you.”

“yes, i’ll admit i broke into your room to watch you sleep, but what can you do about it?”

“if you ever escape, i’ll track you down, no matter where. it’s useless to even try.”

“how can i get to your heart? should i try with money? or should i go straight for love potions?”

“i keep pencils you’ve chewed on, pictures i’ve printed of you, clothes i’ve stolen from your room... you think i’m a creep, don’t you?”

“you better learn to love me back. you know why? because nobody else will ever love you- so you’re stuck with me.”

“i’m sorry it had to be this way. i tried so hard to be a normal lover, but... it was always going to end up like this.”

“i feel like i’ll die if you don’t love me. would you truly hurt me like this?”

“what is it you don’t understand? nobody is ever going to love you like i do. nobody will ever understand how i feel about you.”

“your family, your friends... they’ve forgotten about you by now, i’m sure. but i’m still here- i’m the only one who loves you.”

“look at me in the eye when i speak. it’s rude not to do so, don’t you know?”

“if i tell you to jump, you should just ask how high. obedience should be your first nature.”

“i want to pamper you- i want to keep you safe and warm... like a pet.”

“don’t stress too much over what i slipped in your drink- i just want you to relax with me, for once... i don’t want you to be so tense; here, i’ll even undo your chain for a while.”

“you’re lucky to have someone who loves you this much. don’t you know how lonely it is to have nobody who loves you...?”

“you take, take, and take- my love, my protection, my affection... you should show me some of that back; don’t be so ungrateful.”

“you want to run away? sure, go as far as you can. catching a difficult prey is the most satisfying hunt.”

“i was normal, you know? you awoke something inside of me- you fucked me up.”

“i hunger for you, darling. your beauty, your presence; i need them like i need air.”

“perhaps you’re right in that i don’t love you, at least in the traditional sense. i’m obsessed with you- i need you, more strongly than the word love can imply.”

“you belong to me. i own you, body and soul.”

“... it hurts me to hear you say you hate me. i’ve gone so far for you- how can you do this to me?”

“aw, i know people warned you about me, baby. you ignored them- and look where you are now, huh?”

“shut up and do as i say. i don’t care how scared you are- feel free to blame it on my hormones or instincts, or whatever helps you feel less guilty.”

“i’ve been watching you for a while. i know your routine, your habits; i fell in love with how you act when you think nobody is looking.”

“i need to know if the love potion worked; say you love me, kiss me, show me affection.”

“hate me, fear me, think whatever you please. it doesn’t matter to me; you’ll do your thing and i’ll do what i want.”

“stop crying so much. it hurts me to see you sad, don’t you know?”

“oh, you’ve stopped fighting...? has the day come when you’ve finally understood how much i love you?”

“ah, it’s ok to be angry at me... kick me, yell at me...! i don’t care what you do, just being near you is heaven!”

“i’d do anything for you. and i mean it; the law means nothing if it’s something you ask of me.”

“ah... you punched me- that’s ok, too. i hope it bruises; i want a mark to remind me your lovely hands were on my skin.”

“did i get the potion dose wrong...? you’re slurring your words and you look hazed, but... well, the love potion is still working, i suppose.”

“i’ll be the only one you speak to and see. you’ll become hopelessly addicted to me, as i am with you.”

“i threw away all my morals for you; i don’t care if what i do is wrong anymore.”

“toxic relationship...? my, i think you’re a bit confused- i’m simply taking care of you, don’t you know?”

“don’t talk back to me like that- in fact, don’t talk at all unless i tell you to.”

“bow to me, love me, please- make me feel something, or i’ll make you suffer.”

[strwberrytae]

So Long, Farewell, and Goodbye For Now -

“I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.”     - Lang Leav

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Hello, You ♡ Yes, You. You ethereal, beautiful being. I am writing to you with bittersweet yet wonderful news - depending on the perspective. I am writing this post to inform all of you that I will no longer be writing for this blog for the foreseeable future. What I mean by that is that I am not giving up writing forever, no. But my life has changed so much over the last two years, I do not see myself writing again for quite some time. But don’t worry! I will be back!

Below the Read More section, I have poured my heart and soul into the real reasons why I’ve made this decision. I warn you, it’s lengthy but it’s everything that has led up to this over the years. So, if you fancy, have a read. If not, I bid you farewell and wish you all the happiness in the world. Thank you for supporting me so far. I truly appreciate it and love you all very dearly. Now, if you wish to read it at a later time, I will have a link available on my page at all times for anyone who is curious. It’s a hell of a story if you ask me ~

Edit: Made by Me - also, a surprise photo at the end Warnings/Triggers: Talks of emotional abuse, depression, and suicide but also happiness and love -

When I first started this blog, it was 2016. I had been on Tumblr for over a decade now but BTS led me to writing passionately for 2 years. I was incredibly active and utterly consumed by this website. Not just for the writing, but I was so obsessed because of my friends and mutuals that I made along the way. Can I just say that I’ve met some incredible people on this platform - including my best friend and soulmate? Truthfully, the absolute best friend I have ever had. But more importantly, Tumblr was my greatest escape. I mean this website truly has been my saving grace through very dark times.

In that part of my life, I was in an extremely toxic relationship; by then, it was 6 years I was with him. He was emotionally abusive, had such a short-fuse temper, hated everyone I knew which led me never really seeing any of my friends after college, knew I was anorexic and did nothing to stop me, knew I had depression since we started dating and always argued it as if it wasn’t real, crushed my dreams and ambitions, mocked potential suicide attempts, expected me to just abandon all hope to ever leave home to explore someplace new or get a job that I actually love. He was...just the worst. Never hit me though, so I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wish he would so it would have given me the voice I needed to get out of that relationship much sooner than I did. But regardless, because of him plus having a soul-sucking job that wore me down to the core, Tumblr was my escape. BTS was my escape.

I fell hard and I fell deep. I created a fantasy world within this world. All of my dreams, fantasies, desires, and hopes were poured into my writing. My imagination was running wild. My activity was through the roof because I was always on here day in and out, just pretending like the outside world didn’t exist. It consumed me...but I needed it. Looking back, it was pretty excessive. At the time, I seemed perfectly normal because everyone else was just as active and saying the same things and doing the same things. I felt a belonging, like I fit in.

But I hated the person I became. It took me getting yelled at, mocked, ridiculed, and belittled by my ex to snap me out of that illusion I built and back into reality. That was the roughest night that we had filled with lots of screaming on his end and crying on my part. He thought my obsession was sick. He thought it was disgusting. It all started because he found fake texts I had made with Jimin and Tae. Don’t recall the story it was a part of but he thought they were texts with the actual members… In my eyes, I should get credit for making them look so legit but he didn’t see it that way. He thought fangirling over men was essentially cheating. No matter how hard I tried to explain, he didn’t understand. But a part of his view was right. I learned that I was a bit too much into it and I really needed to take a step back from Tumblr for a while. So I did. I deactivated my account and disappeared for months. Also because he made me and threatened our relationship if I didn’t. Should have taken the out but ah well.

Just two months prior to this incident, I attempted suicide. Well, contemplated. Everything was planned out. Bought a hotel room for Thanksgiving night as I was working a super late shift until about 1-2am. My commute home was an hour long and I still had to come back to work at 7am. So I got a room. Brought a large amount of pills with me and I was going to call it. No notes written to friends, family, or loved ones. Nothing. I was done. Didn’t think anyone would miss me. I just figured the world would keep turning without me. I had thought about doing this several times before but this was my first time making plans for it. It was my lowest of the low. But then I met someone that night that changed my life entirely just in a 10 minute interaction of talking - nothing special. We’ll get to that later. But this person just gave me hope and to this day, I still can’t explain it. It was euphoric. I felt clarity. It was in that night that I thought I might hold out just a little bit longer.

And thus @strwberrytae was born - but it was far from the same. At first, I restarted the blog in secret. Why would I do this? Why would a 25 year old open a blog in secret? Well, two months after the awful fight, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. I know. Believe me, I know. I was scared. My depression was getting worse again. I no longer had an escape except for books. All I did was read so I had some sort of reality to be in besides my own. But returning to a brand new blog did not give the same satisfaction as returning to an old blog.

I worked so hard on my first blog and this redo, I tried to consider it as a gift. Perhaps this was a chance to start anew and rebrand myself. This optimism kept up for quite some time. Slowly, I added my favorite past works then added some new chapters. If you’ve been here with me since 2017, you would know that my appearance on Tumblr was still not the same. Then I got married in October.

An empty, loveless marriage that I regret to this day. Needless to say, my writing and activity on Tumblr was still practically non-existent as I was still too scared of getting caught. Even though he finally gave me permission to use it again because he could tell how miserable it was making me. Yes, gave me permission. Thankfully, it all ended after a year. I finally went to a therapist even though I hated them so much and all past therapists I had. She was pretty great. Within five sessions, I summoned the courage to break up with this guy. I was finally set free. Nearly 9 years together and I finally felt like I could breathe.

Unfortunately, although I was free, I had to live with the guy for about 5 months after the breakup. Which was beyond rough, believe me. Imagine someone writhing in pain and bawling their eyes out and venting non-stop about all of their faults and wrongdoings every single day. At the end of the day, as shitty as he was to me, he was my best friend too. We went through a lot of shit together and he did have some good sides to him too. So witnessing this was horrendous. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting much privacy either. Writing was not my top priority. Now it’s 2019 and things changed drastically for the better - and worst.

Remember the person I met in 2016 on Thanksgiving night? Well, that person is someone I crushed on every since that night. For 2 years. People, I’m telling you. He did absolutely nothing special that night. He didn’t flirt with me. He didn’t check me out. He didn’t do anything remotely to make a girl swoon but I was so drawn to him. The only word that could describe it was “cosmic” - beautifully cosmic. 

Well in January 2019, 2 months following my break up, he came into my store one day. And my god did he look incredible. He was dressed head to toe in black - a fitted black suit at that. He even wore this long, designer jacket to match. Hair shaved on the sides with beautiful, thick dark hair on top. So tall - 182cm. A smile that could kill; quite literally. The canines are on point. He looked like a five course meal. That day, he definitely flirted with me. By the end of the week, we had our first date. Sadly, I also lost my job in the same week and was unemployed for a year because no one would hire me. I was laid off and one of my seniors took my job. Of course, they needed to keep me around for the holidays and then give me the boot. I was devastated. I hated that job so much as it only aided in fueling my depression but losing it was definitely an amazing thing. And! I survived on my savings and definitely didn’t spend my time writing. I had life to sort out last year - like from the ground up. No worries though. I got a job in February 2020 and I love it, so it’s all good, baby. Now I’m in the health field and feel like I’m actually helping people, which I love.

Now, here we are 2 years later and I’m engaged to the man.  Someone who makes me smile everyday, believes in me, encourages me, let’s me be 100% myself, travels with me, taught me how to love myself, taught me to accept my body, gets me on a level that only my best friend could, and someone who goes above and beyond every single day to show me how much he loves me. Bonus, he welcomes my love for BTS with open arms, reads my writing, AND has even been sucked in himself to the fandom. Jungkook and Jimin, look out. You got another fanboy. I thought true love was impossible for me but I was very, very wrong.

He has shown me that I can be happy and I have finally experienced true happiness. When people ask how I’m doing, I don’t cringe and lie through my teeth. I smile and say that I am doing well because by George, I am. Everyone around me has seen me over the last two years and made the comment, “you look so much happier”. They meet him and swoon just as much as I do. Is he perfect? No, he’s not. He has flaws just like everyone else but he actually grows and learns from his mistakes to better himself. That’s what amazes me the most. Even if we argue, which is seldom, he refuses to let it go without resolution so we can always fix whatever the issue is. As we like to call it, we’re in-sync. In everything, we’re always so in-sync. I’m wildly in love, my dudes.

So, why am I not writing anymore? To put it simply, I’m happy and don’t really feel the desire to write anymore - at least not fanfiction. Even when I was super young, like elementary school, I used writing as an outlet for my dark escape. I wrote poetry primarily and by middle school, it turned to fanfiction for Supernatural, Simple Plan, and Panic! At The Disco. Along with a very long list of other bands and shows but anyways. I’ve been severely depressed since I was 15 and fanfiction put me in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. I relied on this method to help me get through all the bad shit I was dealing with. It was my coping mechanism.

Now? While depression never truly goes away as the lovely disease that it is, I am genuinely happy. Because of this, when I opened all of my past works and works in progress, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for not keeping up with my chapters or keeping my account active. I felt dread to have to escape in this world that I had created. I felt no joy or excitement. It was the strangest feeling that happened all in a matter of seconds. Thus leading to my final decision to take a step away from writing. Do I still love it? Absolutely. But now I think I’m going to re-route and focus my writing on what I love - reality. I’m going to get back into journaling and write essays about love and beauty as I’ve always loved to do. But for escaping into a fantasy world? I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But you can write and be happy!” Nah fam. Writing has been my aid through dark times and now I mostly associate it with those dark times. And for once in my life, I feel this desire to enjoy reality and remain in it - with the exception of journaling here and there. Even daydreaming is difficult. It’s strange. I love my reality. This sounds like gloating now but it’s truly a remarkable feeling. When you’ve been battling depression for 15 years, it feels really freaking nice to say that I’m happy.

So that’s why I’m taking a break - in a very long, drawn out way. But my hope was that after this long story, you might understand truly why I am doing this. It would have been easier to just say that writing doesn’t bring me joy anymore but I feel that I owe more than that; especially because I really don’t know if I’ll write for this blog ever again. The last time I took a break, I disappeared without being able to explain myself and I wanted to do so now that I have the chance.

Ultimately, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me over the years. It’s truly been one hell of a rollercoaster. The friends I’ve made on here have seen me at my lowest of the lows. But hey! I’ll still be around. I just won’t be publishing or continuing any of my works anywhere in the near future. Seriously though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This website has helped me tremendously and I’ll never forget it. Besides, there’s lots of other exciting things happening in my life now so you’ll certainly see me pop in here and there to talk about it ♡

If you wish, you can message me for questions or anything you want to know. I’m an open book - at least about most things hehe. And don’t worry. I still very much love Taehyung and still wildly obsessing over how marvelous he is. Umf.

(here’s some recent photos of me as i rarely take selfies anymore haha. and a derp photo of me and the man i love >_< why is the cutest photo of him with the worst photo of me? still cute though hehe)

[wallwriterstuff]

Am I allowed to place in a request for Mr svelte tracker boi Demetri? I need my greek boi fix. 😅😂 My stimming (due to my slight autism and anxiety) has been kinda bad lately and I was wondering if you could do some headcanons on how he would be with a reader who has that going on? (For example, some of my stimming signs are restless, uncontrollable finger twitches sometimes, and sudden limb movements and facial twitches I can't control 😅) Thanks! Also, sorry if this is too touchy a subject!🙈

You most certainly are allowed and I cannot express how hard I fangirled when I realised it was you in my ask box. I played it very cool but just know I was dying inside from the moment I saw your username come up XD 

TW: Mentions of anxiety and sensory overload. If that’s a little personal to you please be cautious about reading this one!

I’m incapable of writing short things it seems so it’s another long one.

Self-stimulating behaviour, known more commonly as stimming, usually involves repetitive movements and/or sounds. Though it is most often associated with autism (I know when I first saw the word stimming that was where my mind immediately went to) everybody stims in some way, shape or form to relieve stress, tension, anxiety, boredom etc. Some ways are less noticeable than others such as nail biting or finger tapping, while others can be more obvious and disruptive to your social/daily life like licking certain objects or scratching at skin.

I learned all this from doing a bit of reading before taking on this request and if you want to know more then the link to the article I read is right -----> HERE <------ ! It’s informed my ideas for this headcanon request and though I’m open to discussions about the topic to help educate myself and anyone else who wishes to learn more, what I will not tolerate is any sort of hate or discrimination based on the links to developmental disorders and mental illness that stimming has. This blog has and always will be a safe space for anyone and everyone and a little respect for one another will help keep it that way. Be kind folks!

So without further ado, how would Demetri react to you stimming I wonder?

Part 1: Headcanons below the Keep Reading Line Part 2: Teeth (fic) Part 3: Control (fic) 

·         He honestly wouldn’t really notice for a while because, well, humans aren’t exactly designed to be as flawless as vampires

·         Impromptu nosebleeds, migraines, sneezes…they’re just glitches in a faulty system so why is the way your leg just bounced up off of the floor while your sitting any different to those other equally as involuntary things

·         He’s struggling right now to, after all he just met his very human mate and it’s quite overwhelming for him to have to adapt to all these new feelings and situations he finds himself in, but he deals because he can

·         Some days, you just…can’t

·         Getting attacked by a man with some bizarre fascination with your neck is bad enough but being whisked away by strangers is somehow even worse. At least in the first scenario once it’s over it’s over, now you’re just living an anxious person’s nightmare in a new place full of new people

·         Volterra was beautiful, but it wasn’t home. No cosy apartment, no neighbours cat to feed, no monotonous shifts at work…

·         Actually, most of the time you’re left utterly alone to navigate an unfamiliar castle, and the times you aren’t alone is when there’s a man claiming to be your eternal lover in front of you

·         Try to convince me this man doesn’t rip the band aid off and profess his love for you with dramatic flair just TRY

·         Your days are filled with endless boredom where you’re doing nothing at all until someone checks on you, and then fight or flight kicks in because oh HELLO Mr Vampire guard are you here to give me lunch or kill me?

 ·         Demetri had thought that perhaps you were okay with that, since you hadn’t really outwardly reacted beyond the way your cheek twitched up into a smirk once or twice as he spoke. Hell, you’d even winked at him…right?

·         You did that a lot so he really genuinely thought that maybe you were just trying to flirt with him, build a relationship with him. Your constant little winks and the way your fingers twitched when he was nearby, like you so desperately wanted to reach out to him…

·         It took a few weeks before he realised how wrong he was

·         You’d reached for a sip of water and your arm had just whipped outward from your body

          + You’d absolutely drenched him with your entire glass of water and could only stare in abject horror wondering what the supposed vampire would do next, since you’d interrupted him rather smugly detailing his plans for your first date

·         Silence

·         There was just silence

·         It only made your anxiety worse and the muscles in your face just spasmed without your permission and - god did you just smirk at him again, oh no        

         + “I’m glad one of us finds this amusing. If you did not like the idea there were other ways to tell me so.”

 ·         You almost want to cry from sheer embarrassment at this point because the date really had sounded like it could be fun and now you’d just straight up thrown water in his face like he’d insulted you in the worst way imaginable

·         So you come clean and tell him about your stimming

·         He’s really worried at first because autism? Anxiety he’s heard of but autism sounds very dangerous, are you dying? You’re probably dying. He’s going to lose his mate –

·         Another involuntary finger twitch from you forces him to calm down because your anxious enough without his worrying on top, so he kind of brushes it off and makes no big deal out of it

·         Squeezes your hand and kisses your forehead to try and reassure you all is forgiven, even if he does have to go change a very expensive looking designer shirt and god you’re so sorry

·         Of course, that kind of makes it worse for you because anxiety brain is activated and your 99.9999% sure he’s actually furious with you still and has only pretended to forget it while he’s plotting his revenge

·         You see him late at night when you struggle to fall and stay asleep, reading in the low lamplight at his desk across the room, his laptop propped open and a notebook before him but you’re too scared still to ask what it is he’s reading so intently (probably good suggestions on places to bury your body welp)

·         It’s a complete surprise to you therefore when he does take you out on that date he promised you not two weeks later

 ·         He’s chosen a nice overcast day so he’s in the least conspicuous clothing he owns

            + Demetri’s least conspicuous clothes still consist of the most chic and expensive brands you know of and he sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the quaint little market stalls he’s brought you to see

·         Despite the gloomy weather the people of Volterra are out in full force though, swarming the market stalls and chattering and laughing as flashes of gold and silver from jewelry hit your eyes, bright coloured fabrics following

·         It’s all just too much

·         There’s people everywhere and so much noise, so many colours and lights and people brushing past you…

·         Your fingers clench tight around his, his hand immersed in a glove to keep his freezing skin from chilling you too much

·         He squeezes back lightly, eyes shifting to glance down at you with the kindest smile on his lips

         + “Keep squeezing my hand whilst we find somewhere quieter to stand.”

·         Your fingers seemed to take turns pressing into his rock solid skin, an odd sort of comfort coming from the fact you know you can press down hard and he won’t so much as register the sensation, and Demetri squeezes back, just firm enough he knows you can feel the pressure of his palm on yours

·         He takes you to a quiet little side road where the noise is much more faded and there is so much free space around you you feel like you can finally breathe again

·         He still hasn’t stopped squeezing your hand, taking turns with you as you take some steady breaths and try to focus your senses a bit, one thing you can feel, two things you can see, three you can smell...

 ·         “I hope you can forgive me, I did not expect the market to be so busy today with the weather like this.”

·         His apology takes you completely by surprise because how would he even know you struggled with crowds? You barely know each other?

·         Seeing your surprise Demetri rather sheepishly admits as to what exactly he’s been reading all those nights you’ve seen him at his desk, and you’re a little overwhelmed to realise he’s been reading about you

·         Medical journals, mummyblogs, charity websites and more, if it had any information about autism and stimming he’s browsed through it and taken copious amounts of notes, observing you religiously to see what might be relevant to you and how he can help ·         +  “I read somewhere you self-stimulate to calm yourself when you are anxious or your senses feel overwhelmed, is that what happened?”                                    “Well, yes, actually, I…I…”

            “And did it help? Taking you away from the source of stress and letting you squeeze my hand like that?”

·         It had actually, you felt much calmer and Demetri’s obvious acceptance and willingness to help you manage your stimming and anxiety today were one of the first little moments you fell in love with him, looking back on it 

·         He didn’t stop there either. Together you sat down and made a list of all the things that you found most often triggered your stimming, and all of the things that brought you joy so he could figure out things to avoid and things you might like for your future dates

·         Within hours of arriving home you’d gotten a whole new daily routine set up so you weren’t left to languish and wonder what was going to happen next

·         Three days later an express shipment of your favourite smelling scented candles arrived alongside a Bluetooth speaker, supplies Demetri insisted were necessary for nice calming baths on the days your anxiety was playing up

·         He started doing mindfulness practices with you in the evenings

·         He never touched the volume controls for his laptop, speaker or TV, leaving it to you to control the volume so you could set it to a level you were comfortable with, and he religiously policed the noise on his floor to           + “Where are you going? The movie just started…”                                                    “To tell Felix to turn his music down.”               “You’re vampiring again Metri, I can’t even hear that.”

·         When he signed you up for Yoga and meditation classes at a centre in town you drew the line and told him he was going overboard, but bless him he had tried

·         Overall he’s a solid 15/10 for effort, even if some ideas are still experimental - you’re enjoying the deep pressure massages a lot though – and he sometimes goes a bit mother-hen trying to get you out of situations he thinks you’ll struggle with, when actually you’re coping just fine today

·         You love him dearly for it

[dropintomanga]

Mangaka Are Flawed People Like You and I

If Shonen Jump is considered to be the “World’s Most Popular Manga,” then you can bet that the creators behind the magazine’s landmark series are some of the most popular people in the world today.

Of course, with the attention Shonen Jump series get, there always comes the chance of a big problem that gets exposed. 

And recently, this was the case as Nobuhiko Watsuki, creator of Rurouni Kenshin, had a big exhibition for the series in Japan. This comes off his conviction of having child pornography in his possession and not having to be in jail for an indefinite period of time (compared to what he would face in the West). What got many fans talking was the fact that 14 notable mangaka with ties to Shueisha wrote congratulatory messages for Watsuki and causing (mostly Western) fans of those mangaka to have conflicting feelings over their favorite creators for celebrating someone who’s a convicted pedophile.

Eiichiro Oda, Masashi Kishimoto, Hideaki Sorachi, Yusei Matsui, Takeshi Obata, Hiroyuki Takei are just some of the familiar names many manga fans will recognize that praised Watsuki. Seeing Sorachi’s name does worry me a bit since I know he’s done jokes about lolicons and such. I think what it comes down to is how close-knit mangaka are with each other. The manga industry is extremely rough and insular. There’s little room for social interaction outside of work, so it’s usually your co-workers that you talk to the most at times. I know Oda was an assistant under Watsuki before creating One Piece, so there’s also the senpai-kouhai relationship in play here as well.

This doesn’t excuse Watsuki for what he did. I’m not sure if he’s truly apologetic for his actions. I did hear that one of the major reasons that Watsuki was let off the hook was because Shueisha felt that they had to honor the contract they made with Warner Bros. regarding the upcoming Rurouni Kenshin movie based on the Jinchu Arc. It sounds like some warped sense of honor needed to be preserved over a very serious issue that needs more attention.

Some fans have said, “Thank god Tite Kubo or Yoshihiro Togashi didn’t write anything for Watsuki.” The thing is they can’t assume those creators are righteous just because they didn’t say anything. Fans seem so desperate for heroes because they feel like the whole world is full of awful people. To be fair, the inability of societal institutions to actually help people and encourage that help can give someone a legit reason to be angry.

But treating creators like they’re pure and holy gods that will never do any wrong isn’t the way to channel that frustration. Creators aren’t your friends. They will mess up. Think about it this way - why do you think are there are hierarchal levels of friendship? For starters, you can’t just bombard new potential friends with heavy details about your personal life. Not everyone’s going to get you. There’s probably some people you want in your life that make you forget your vulnerabilities for a bit, so you want different types of friends for your varied needs. Creators usually feel more connected among other creators due to shared experiences. The creator/fan relationship is parasocial at best.

I read this blog post from Steven Savage, author of Fan to Pro and many other notable books about fandom, about the desire for heroes in our world and he said it best.

“We hate real heroes, so we often seek false heroes. We find some person who has the right pose, the right words, and follow them instead. We worship the fakers, the actors, the deceivers, and the grifters.

Fake heroes are clean. They present the way we want, act the way we want, say the things we want. There’s no moral ambiguity – unless you look at their actions.

Fake heroes often have money and fame, and the right looks. They have all the worldly things we want, and we decide that’s heroism. The image is there – as long as you don’t ask how they got there.

Fake heroes don’t have any apparent ambiguity because they lie about it or cover it up. Fake heroes are an act, and we don’t have to deal with moral complications because we buy into it. Fake heroes are so much easier.

Fake heroes fit all we expect. They’re the right age, right sexual preference, right skin tone, etc. Fake heroes are a confidence game that looks just enough like us that we’re confident in believing in them.

We so prefer fake heroes in America. They’re so much easier, and the internet and media will help us find them or turn them out for us.”

I know it sounds like I’m suggesting that mangaka are “fake heroes.” In some ways, they are. We, the people, are the ones who place them as heroic by nature. It’s not entirely our fault as most media and word-of-mouth marketing sing their praises. I’m not saying that we should stop having role models, but I wish people were more reflective about who they should really revere.

I sometimes feel like fans love parasocial relationships a bit too much. I wonder now if it’s because they have no cognitive framework of what proper boundaries are. This can be a huge issue at times especially when you feel lonely and socially isolated. When I think about how people fall into extremism and/or start to do things that hurt other people, I think about that lack of emphasis on enforcing boundaries in a healthy way.

I do think some of the mangaka did feel uncomfortable in writing to support Watsuki. They probably had no choice since ethics and capitalism (especially geek capitalism) never mix well. People who think they’re always “right” don’t really preach ethics unless it directly benefits their reputation.

I already voiced my thoughts about Watsuki before in this 2017 post. I’ll say this as final words - so many things (the brands you like, the famous people you like, the nerd media you like, etc.) will have always some kind of dirty psychological stain on it. Over the past few years, some powerful folks who explicitly say they’re inclusive and diverse turn out to be the ones who aren’t. Someone on Twitter recently asked what if every manga creator has some kind of belief system that doesn’t fall in our line with our beliefs. Do we start to justify pirating their work just to prove our moral superiority?

I’m not sure how to feel about that because you can’t remove every little thing in your life that you don’t agree with. It’s impossible. It’s also a terrible way to live because we need some level of disagreement in order to become better people. We will all mess up and say/do the wrong thing over and over again. I know some “experts” say to cut out toxic people in your life, but if they’re not being abusive/troll-ish and genuinely wish to see you well, then I think you need to stand by them because those folks are the heroes we truly need, not an influential figure who uses their clout to only benefit themselves.

If you want a great post about how to separate art from the artist, this is my favorite post on how to do so.

[cafedanslanuit]

(Hey! I'm from South America too! Yayyyy!) What if Jumin got stucked quarantined with MC on her parents house and she got a cold (no covid symptoms) and MC's parents were the overbearing nosy type (you know, latino parents 😂)? Would Jumin side with them and their home remedies? What to do when you can't make use of all your money instead😱? Lol! Thanks! 🤡

I’m a simple girl, I see a request for a latina MC and I write it down <3 So yaaaay! So nice to have you reading my blog~ I had SO MUCH FUN writing these headcanons! I tried to make MC’s parents feel as a couple of VERY latino parents without falling into stereotypes and I think I got it. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it <3

important note: even if this is set in the current pandemic, it’s very light and fun, so have no worries! <3 and there are no mentions of the virus, so nobody feels triggered ~

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 .❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 .❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 .❀。• *₊°。

Listen, Jumin is a man of SCIENCE. He may not understand it completely but this man is a very preoccupied caretaker when it comes to MC getting sick. He has a personal doctor that will come at any hour to the penthouse and do a check up even if all she has is the stomach flu.

MC isn’t used to that, but he lets her husband take care of her. It feels nice to see how much Jumin cares about her well-being.

They were visiting her parents in South America, whom they hadn’t seen since the wedding. Jumin hadn’t really been to MC’s hometown before, so he was looking forward doing some sightseeing, tourism and trying new commoner foods he just had to try, as MC said. He didn’t know what the big deal was about this salchipapa, it was just fried sausage and french fries, but MC was really excited about taking him to a food truck and making him have a bite of everything.

But the pandemic started.

At first, MC was sad about they not being able to do any kind of tourism while on her country, as she was looking forward teaching Jumin about her culture. They planned to stay in a hotel, but MC’s parents insisted they both stayed with them to save money and also have their daughter close. Considering it would be a good idea to take care of her folks in that situation, they agreed.

Everyone had agreed to speak English in the house as he didn’t understand Spanish quite well yet and MC’s parents didn’t understand Korean at all.

Jumin didn’t understand latino parents.

And no, he didn’t mean in in a bad way. He knew how much MC loved her parents and it was obvious they loved her too, but the amount of boundaries they had broken and how unphased MC seemed was really confusing.

For starters, her mom would randomly knock their bedroom door and bring them both a warm drink made of oatmeal and apples. It’s sweet, warm and suddenly he’s not feeling cold anymore.

“What’s this called, my love?” “Quaker.” “Yeah, that’s the brand of the oatmeal but what’s the drink called.” “…Quaker” “That’s what you call it?” “…Apple quaker?”

Another day, he was reading on his Kindle in the living room, when MC’s mother approached him, asking him what he wished to have for dinner, as everyone had already had their favourite dish in the week. He was startled and didn’t feel comfortable saying he liked steak or any other dish he actually liked, considering he knew MC’s parents weren’t wealthy enough to eat what he did on a daily basis.

Thankfully, MC saved him and told her mom she should prepare bisteck a lo pobre, and that he would probably like that.

“Bisteck?” “Yeah, beef steak.” “…But you said bisteck.” “It’s steak with fried egg and fried bananas and rice. It’s actually really good, trust me on this.”

Jumin also found out they ate rice with every dish. And he meant it. Every. Single. Dish.

Bisteck a lo pobre was really good though.

After lunch, the four of them would always stay on the table and chat a little. MC’s parents would take that chance to ask him about their lives in Korea, how were you adapting to a married life, if you were planning to have children soon, what funny stories he could them them about C&R etc. (spoiler: he didn’t think there were funny stories happening in C&R) 

They also liked to tell him embarrassing stories about MC’s time in highschool, which made her blush deep red, even though he found those stories endearing.

He liked to see them taking care of you both, but couldn’t help but compare it to his relationship with his own father, who loved him as well but wasn’t as warm and… interested with his relationship as MC’s parents were. It was nice, but really new for him.

Three weeks into the confinement, MC came down with the flu.

Jumin asked MC’s father what was their number of their personal physician. He answered they didn’t have one, they just went to the hospital whenever someone was ill.

Jumin: ????

Since it was only the flu and nothing else to worry about (Jumin had ended up calling a private laboratory to test MC and she was negative), all they had to do was wait for her symptoms to go away. Jumin suggested they call a pharmacy and buy some pills, but MC’s mother called nonsense. There was no need for ingesting so many chemicals.

Jumin: ?????????????????

He was reading to MC in their bedroom, trying to get her to relax, when her mom knocked the door. After MC asked her to come in, she entered the room, smiling softly at the newlyweds. 

“Baby, it's time for your inhalaciones de eucalipto" “Yes mom, let me just grab a towel"

As MC stood up, Jumin looked at her confused.

“A towel? In... all-- what?"

"Oh, steam inhalations. My mom puts some eucalipto leaves on a bowl with boiling water. I sit on the floor and cover myself and the bowl with a towel and breathe deep” she explained, as she took a towel from the closet.

“Like a sauna?”

“Yes! Just like that. Eucalipto helps with breathing”

Jumin never thought he would see her wife grab a bowl of boiling water with leaves, sit on the floor and cover herself with a towel but there she was. Giggling at her confusion, she invited him under the towel, saying there was no harm in him being with you there. He obliged to her request.

Ten seconds later, Jumin stood up, coughing, as he felt ice on his lungs.

“What was that plant?!” he asked in between coughs

“Sorry! I forgot my mom also put Vick Vaporub in it”

“YOU’RE BREATHING VICK VAPORUB?”

“IT’S FOR THE LUNGS”

The same night, you spiked a low fever. As Jumin changed again the wet cloth on your forehead, he heard your mother knocking on the door again. She showed MC a white bottle with a red cap and immediately he saw his wife’s eyes widening in horror.

“No” “But it’ really good for--” “No, no way” “But MC…” “Mom, I can’t stand thymoline…”

MC explained to Jumin it was usual for people in your country to soak the cloth in thymoline, since it supposedly helped lower the fever, but you couldn’t stand the smell. Seeing you mother insisted it was better than just water, he decided to check if it really had such a bad odor as MC said.

No, it didn’t.

It was worse.

The next day, the fever was gone, but MC still had a runny nose. For breakfast, her mother replaced quaker with a suspiciously good smelling tea. And he was a sucker for new tea.

“What’s in there, dear?” he asked

“Hmmm, what was in it, mom?” MC asked, redirecting the question to her mother.

“Borraja, escorzonera, eucalipto, menta and muña” she explained.

“Ah, Eucalipto. The one you used for the sauna” he remembered.

“Yes, that one. Would you like a cup too? It could help you prevent from getting the flu too” MC’s mom offered.

Jumin looked at MC, doubtful

“It doesn’t have Vaporub, right?”

“It doesn’t” MC giggled. “This one tastes actually good”

“Yes, thank you.”

When MC was about to take a sip, her father cleared his throat, looking at her with a raised eyebrow.

“What do we say before taking medicine?” he asked

“En nombre de Dios” MC sighed, and took her first sip. She then looked at Jumin and explained to him. “En nombre de Dios. In the name of God. Dad and mom always told me I should say that so the medicine works”

“Weren’t you an atheist?” Jumin asked. He couldn’t barely finish his question before MC began coughing loudly, gaining her folks attention. Once she regained her breath, she shot him a warning glare.

“Don’t say that in front of them!” she whispered. “They hate it when I say that. They think you made me convert back to christianity so let’s keep it like that”.

The symptoms disappeared in the course of three days with MC’s mom’s herbal remedies. Even if he couldn’t understand how MC could breathe Vick, he really enjoyed the tea her mom made for them both.

Jumin felt at ease chatting with her father or trying out new teas her mother made for him. He found out he didn’t have so hard to get along with them, as they were also welcoming him into their family.

Even if it was still new for him to see parents as invested in their daughter’s life as hers, he could see where did MC learn to be warm and caring as she was with him. Someday, he decided, he would go back again with his wife to do the tourism they couldn’t do this time and bring back as many of her mother’s herbal teas as he could.

[duraxxor]

Character Sheet: That Damn Trio

Uh oh, it would seem Duraxxor has gotten himself in a lot of trouble this time around! He’s been split into three pieces of his former self! Oh the humanity! Well there’s only one thing to do. What’s that? Well, we go on a wild adventure to put him back together, of course! That’s why I have decided to create character sheet to explain and every one of the fragments and their traits. So without further interruptions, let’s get down to the material! 

Character No. 1

Name: Daev  ( Pronounced just like Dave ) 

Race: Sin’dorei?

Height: 5′ 8″ ( down from the 6′ 4″ that he once stood at. )

Hair Color: Silver Blonde

Eye Color: None, his eyes are as clear as glass

Age:  “ I was only born not that long ago... I jest though... “ 

Physical Traits: When a person comes in contact with Daev, the first thing they may notice as his youthful appearance. Unlike Duraxxor as a whole, Daev has the physical body of a young adult that has suffered from lack of muscle. Despite this, he seems able to stand straight and maintain himself but is unable to physically apply the strength and running speed he once had. The scar that once dominated his features is now shrunken down and appears to have lining that almost reminds some of a stitching, so to speak. Perhaps even mending? The same can be said about the majority of his black attire that decorates his body other than the sleeve that appears to have torn on the right side. A thin trench coat and a pair of black leather britches that are only matched by a pair of boots below. One can also notice the pair of snake bites piercing on his lower lip that seem to have appeared as he no longer bears even a semblance of the elven fangs gene. 

Personality: Quiet and probably the most balanced of his former self. Daev seems to be given the nickname of being the Heart of the Trio. And with good reason considering he is probably the very being that keeps the other two in existence. He is never to quickly jump to violence and seeks to see how people function and feel. Selfless thought and under normal circumstances, kind to those that share a mutual respect for him and his space. Although he is the most attuned to multiple emotions, he has a hard time properly expressing them and it may even come out in a series of riddles. However, he does seem to have something to say for every type of person. 

Abilities: Lack of physical strength, Daev has to rely on his mind and quick thinking if he hopes to manage avoiding being killed off with the help of his familiars. It isn’t known whether he retains much of his weaponry training, other than having a dagger tucked away under his coat that appears to have a significance, or perhaps even symbolic value. Despite his familiars having their own personalities, he seems able to maintain control of them in certain moments and can even call them or dismiss them at will. Daev’s greatest ability is that he has so much untapped potential that is it unpredicted what he may learn in his stay within the Shadowlands. 

Character No. 2 

Name: Randdu ( Ron-doo ) 

Race: Familiar ( Bat ) 

Height: Unspecified, look to his Abilities for details

Hair Color: White

Eye Color: A mixture of Red and Yellow

Age: “ Look, man, give me a break. I only look old. “ 

Physical Traits: You feel a piercing gaze always watching you when you approach Daev with his avian shadow, Randdu. He takes on the appearance of most bats native to Azeroth aside from some defined features that make him appear more like a Fruit Bat from our world, bearing a canine-like snout beneath the leathery wraps that are his lengthy wings. Jagged claws appear to be on both the back legs and wing joints, giving him almost the look a humanoid if not for the fact he lacks thumbs. He is the definition of wild animal with personality. 

Personality: The reckless familiar that is highly regarded ( and prideful of himself ) as the symbol of Duraxxor. Randdu is also the loudest and most immature of the trio. He would rather pick a fight and see who is the strongest than listen to negotiations. He also possesses quite the appetite match this need for combat. However, this doesn’t mean he isn’t self aware when he is in over his head, being the quickest to also panic when he feels outmatched, that is until something goes right, then he will simply mock his foe. Warning: He may curse a lot. 

Abilities: Despite his reckless personality, Randdu is actually quite the powerhouse. He is physically strong and can easily pick up something that is three times his own size, which is only matched by the fact that he is able to grow and shrink his form based on the energy reserves he has obtained through his vampiric aura. The more he fights and succeeds, the stronger Randdu gets. Claws, teeth, and even a mind piercing screech are at his disposal. However, the magical affinity seems to lie more so in the fact he is able to cast a blaze of shadows about his form, giving him enough speed to perform a Wraith Flight, an ability that projects his vampiric aura outward and making mere contact results in the sapping of one’s raw energies. 

Character No. 3 

Name: Sphula ( Sph-ooluh ) 

Race: Familiar ( Serpent ) 

Height: 15′ 07″ in length 

Hair Color: “ Crimson Scales, you uneducated pig. “ 

Eye Color: Onyx 

Age: “ To old for you to know. “ 

Physical Traits: While Randdu is regarded to be the visible lurker, Sphula sticks to remaining hidden into his time is most appropriate. The lengthy serpent bears a strange familiarity to the Arcane Serpents of Northrend, but with many more rows of teeth and definitive fangs. He also lacks the ethereal skin until certain abilities are applied. Scales, bladed fings, and circular markings that are akin to chains, this crimson familiar seems to be the most colorful of the trio. 

Personality: Calm until provoked, Sphula recognizes his own intellect and will exercise it when it is most necessary. More often than naught, he is seen wrapped around Daev, whispering into his ear while chastising Randdu. For once to gain conference with Sphula would mean that you either have earned his respect or there is something of worth about you or upon you that he would sooner have you align yourself to their cause. Unlike the other trio, Sphula is not above breaking the rules in his favor. For he believes logic is more important in the case of survivability in the cruel world of a snake. There is one he deems the most worthy of his time: The Lady in the Red @sanguinesorceress​ . 

Abilities:  Not as physically strong as Randdu, Sphula is also a constrictor and has no issue wrapping his long tail around his foes or even applying it in a flailing motion to dispatch someone from approaching Daev. And speaking of which, did you know that snakes can actually jump three times their length? Not just this one, but he can also slip his entire length through objects much like a pocket space just to come out in a near forty yard radius. Sphula is also the strongest when it comes to the use of magic and intellect. He is able to conjure geomancy, hemomancy, umbramancy, and in some cases, cryomancy and pyromancy. But what would a snake be without his bite? Twin fangs possess a potent cytotoxin, which is a toxin that induces tissue necrosis. Keep your hands away from this snakes mouth!

OOC Information Station 

Rp Style:  When interacting with this blog or even the in-game character, I cannot always guarantee that you will interact with all three of them, just as I also cannot guarantee that one of the other’s won’t squeeze themselves into the RP. Otherwise, I am generally laid back and always up to most themes, including the dark and twisted. I am an adult writer and in most cases, I am not so easily triggered and easy to speak with. Please, don’t hesitate to ask questions as I may have an actual answer for them. I also would like to remind everyone that I have been roleplaying in World of Warcraft for nearly ten years. All I ever ask is your undying patience and kindness in return. 

Platforms: Tumblr, Discord, and In-game (Planned) 

If you have made it this far, congratulations. Now to get to the nitty, gritty disclaimer warnings and rules.

1. Roleplaying with The Trio means you have agreed to not knowing the original character Duraxxor is the true identity of these characters without the proper knowledge or permission. Should you regard him as Duraxxor, Alphus, Lord Daevara, Myotis, or any other former alias, it will be ignored in-character. Should this become a continuing habit, I will ask you personally to please stop trying to ruin the mystery of the characters. Let’s make this a fun plot for all, old and new. 

2. If you are seeking to fix the problem as quick as possible, then you have come to the wrong player. I am wanting this particular plot device to go longer than a few weeks or even months as the Shadowlands is going to obviously take longer than a single year itself. There’s going to be hurdles to make evolve these characters over time. You are welcome to speak about being a part of the plot where he attempts to fix himself though!

3. When addressing particular character questions, please specify who you are addressing to unless it is all the above or the mun. This makes my life so much easier and more engaging. 

4. Do not god mod my characters as I would not god mod yours. All of them have their own individual strengths and weaknesses and should be considered only through natural interaction. 

5. More importantly, be respectful and patient. This is a brand new concept I am playing with and I really wish to see it through to the very end and want those involved to have fun. 

Thank you all for taking the time to read this and I do hope that everything is clear! I look forward to roleplaying with everyone and enjoying the Shadowlands storyline! Happy Writing everyone! 

And if you have not read Chapter 1 to the Shadowlands storyline, here is a link to the story is here

[firelxdykatara]

whats crazy is that allura was likely going to end up with keith based on some of the let's voltron podcasts (which makes sense since allura has always ended up with keith in previous iterations and the ships was mildly hinted at) but the popularity of klance had them cutting that whole thing out. people were screaming that keith was "gay coded" and that keith was her "oppressor" so you couldn't ship allura with keith lmao.

......there is so much to unpack here oh my god, i’m dying

first of all, shiro wasn’t even gay coded, and he’s the only character we’re supposed to believe is canonically queer by the end of the show. (well, and curtis i guess, but he barely counts as a cardboard stand-in for a character, so.) so i am almost curious enough to ask what the fuck the fandom thought was so ‘gay coded’ about keith (and, incidentally, i really wish that fandoms would just stop talking about coding until they learn what the fuck it actually means jfc), but i recognize that discretion is the better part of valor, so i’m just gonna be... over here, chuckling in befuddled amusement.

i will note, though, that it has always been terribly interesting to me that allura, in previous incarnations, typically survived the end of the series, was in a romantic relationship with keith who was the leader of voltron, and was very very white..... but in vld, the only version of voltron where allura is not white, she is killed at the end of the series for no real reason, and her romantic relationship is with lance, someone who kept pursuing her despite her marked disinterest for the first six seasons, only for her to turn around and suddenly reciprocate feelings she’d shown no sign of prior, and who was not the leader of voltron (and was, in fact, consistently sidelined because he was off-brand sokka without the good writing to support a half-way decent character arc),

allura was also consistently tormented and demeaned by the narrative (was it really necessary to show her begging the red lion to accept her, sobbing after being rejected, and then being shoved into blue like it was some kinda consolation prize for not being good enough to lead the team??? anyway, my kingdom for black paladin allura [especially because, given the qualities we’re supposed to believe black prized, she absolutely should have been the one to take over in shiro’s absence]), so the fact that she had no agency in her own romantic narrative (kind of like another favorite character of mine after whom my blog is named >.>) is really insult added to injury.

as far as keith being allura’s ‘oppressor’.........what???? i mean, i ship lotura (vld is one of the rare occasions where i multiship, mostly because i wish allura had gotten the love she deserves, and ironically the only person i don’t like her with is lance lmao), so that argument already doesn’t cut it with me (ask me sometime about how beautiful it could have been to see lotor and allura healing the destruction their parents had caused in the universe, the heir to altea and the product of an altean/galran union which caused so much harm coming together in love and peace to make things right and end ten thousand years of pain and suffering) but.... keith??? he didn’t even know he was part-galra. and don’t even get me started on how clumsy allura’s on prejudice arc was handled, because yikes.

but the fact is, keith was not at all part of what happened to allura’s people. nor was his mother! he had no idea he was anything other than human until he found out during the show, and it wasn’t even like their relationship would have had any comparable power imbalance, like. ugh. i don’t get that argument and i probably never will.

anyway, my bottom line is, allura deserved better. and kallura, lotura, or even shallura would have been more fitting relationships that would have meshed better with her overall character arc and given her a happier, healthier ending than what she had in canon, even if she hadn’t been killed off for no damn reason.

[skinks]

hi!!! what are your favourite movies? like actually good ones but also any trashy comfort movies? is IT (2017) one of them?

Hello!! IT (2017) IS ABSOLUTELY ONE OF THEM oh man, thank you for this, I love talking about movies!!!! This is possibly the most difficult question you could have asked me. Apologies for how absolutely off the rails this got, I just... love movies so much lmao

I’ve said this before, but opening night of IT ch1 was the best cinema experience I’ve ever had, I’m so glad I got to see it with a fully packed audience who were all laughing and screaming together the whole way through. I’m a huge fan of... everything ch1 was doing, the 80s nostalgia, the summer-coming-of-age themes, the solid ghost train funhouse JOY of the Pennywise performance and scares, the washed-out cinematography, the tiny background details to make everything that much more eerie, the kids’ ACTING?!

Like, a lot of the time I find child actors can be really awkward and stilted to watch, but I remember leaving the cinema really impressed by JDG and Sophia Lillis in particular. I liked that they were all allowed to be little shitheads with potty mouths, it felt like a callback to 80s movies like The Lost Boys or Stand By Me. The whole thing worked to make me really care about what happened to the kids (even if I do still have issues with how they handled Mike. I understand even ch1 had limitations with juggling so many characters, but still). I saw it another 2 times in the cinema and have rewatched it at least, I dunno, 7-10 more times since then?

Add to all of that the retroactive CANON R+E baby pining subplot? I just love it, as if that wasn’t obvious by now given my Whole Blog. It’s a really special movie to me!

Anyway!! Ok, the main handful of movies I rewatch all the fucking time are:

Back to the Future, The Lost Boys, Pride and Prejudice (2005), Jaws, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Breakfast Club, Ocean’s 11, POTC 1, The Dark Knight, Inception, Die Hard, LOTR trilogy, Snatch, The Nice Guys, Logan Lucky, Mad Max Fury Road, Clueless, 10 Things I Hate About You, Billy Elliot, Dirty Dancing, Tomb Raider (2018)...

Those are the easily consumable ones that I’ve seen so many times I don’t really have to concentrate or think about them, but I really love them and unfortunately often KEEP rewatching them instead of new stuff. It would take too long to go into why I love all these movies so much because I could write the same amount as I already did for ITCH1, and everyone already knows why those movies are good, so, lol.

I think I’m gonna have to subdivide and categorise this whole post because there are too many separate criteria for... goOD MOVIES, AUUHH 😩

Okay so first off, HORROR MOVIES? I’m especially in love with Re-Animator (1985) and its sequel Bride of Re-Animator, they’re such good examples of camp and batshit 80s practical effects, and also EXTREMELY funny. I’m actually just gonna post my list of my fave horror movies that I do actually keep on my phone at all times lmao. These are in no particular order:

Wholeheartedly recommend every one of these. I’ve never been so scared in my life as I was watching Hereditary in the cinema, hoo boy. Mother! by Aronofsky is one of the strangest experiences I’ve ever had (and I actually saw it on the same day I saw IT ch1 for the first time!! That was a fun day)

Psycho (1960) and The Fly from 1986 should also be on there but I couldn’t fit them in the screenshot.

I’m a HUGE fan of a ton of martial arts movies too, like Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer, Ip Man, The Raid movies, John Wick 3 is my fave of the trilogy, Drive from 1997 with Mark Dacascos is incredible, SPL 2, Ong-Bak, Operation Condor, Project A, Iron Monkey, and Zatoichi (2003) are some favourites.

My favourite Tarantino is Reservoir Dogs, fave Coen brothers are Raising Arizona, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs and O Brother Where Art Thou. Love some old-timey colour correction and weird offbeat dialogue. I also love Goodfellas!!! And Donnie Brasco! And The Firm, I’m so easy for any good crime/law/gangster/heist procedural like that, especially if they’re from the 80s or 90s in a super dated way.

Fave Disney movie is Tarzan, favourite Ghibli movies are Spirited Away and Lupin III. I remember watching Spirited Away during a thunderstorm one time and it being.... god! Transcendent! Favourite Pixar movie is The Incredibles (the first one. ALSO the documentary “The Pixar Story” is great and well worth a watch, it’s very comforting for some reason) and my favourite Dreamworks movies are HTTYD1 and Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron.

I tend to watch more anime movies than tv shows, so stuff like Akira, The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, Summer Wars, Journey to Agartha, and my ultimate fave anime is Sword of the Stranger (2008). The climactic fight in that movie is fucking stunning and should be counted in “bests fights” lists right alongside anything live action

Also if we’re talking animated movies another hearty favourite is Rango, and a Belgian stop-motion (which at one time I considered my favourite movie ever) called Panique Au Village (2009) which is one of the funniest movies ever made imo.

As for TRASHY movies, I’m not sure if that’s the right word for how I feel about these ones but.. dumb/silly/slightly guilty pleasure movies? Ones that I feel need some kind of justification lmfao

Troy - something u must know about me is that I’m a giant slut for the Assassin’s Creed franchise, so if a movie smashes historical and mythological nonsense together with fun costumes and sword fights, I’m gonna enjoy myself. Even if they should have made Achilles and Patroclus gay. Other movies in this vein are King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, and Immortals (2011)

Gods of Egypt - I know all the reasons this movie is whitewashed bullshit. But it was already bullshit with giant Anubis mecha and giant snakes and bad acting and ridiculous CGI and frankly I had a blast at the cinema (my friend who I forced to come with me did not have a blast. Sorry H***)

Avatar - yes, the one with the big blue people. This movie gets a lot of flack nowadays but I really do enjoy it just for the spectacle. The full CGI world technology was so new at the time and I love to wallow in the visuals and daydream about riding a cool dragon around in the jungle

George of the Jungle - I’ll defend this movie to the death ok this movie shaped me as a person, it is fucking hilarious and Brendan Fraser is the himbo to end all himbos. It’s perfect. The song Dela is perfect. I still want to write a reddie AU about it. It’s one of the best movies ever made and I’m not being ironic

Set It Up - I KNOW this is a dumb Netflix original romcom but consider this; it was funny and the leads had great chemistry. I got butterflies. I once watched it and then literally immediately set it back to the start so I could watch it again

The Brady Bunch Movie - when people talk about great satires or parodies you will see them bring up the same movies over and over again, Blazing Saddles, This Is Spinal Tap etc, but they never talk about The Brady Bunch Movie from 1995 for some reason, which they should. It is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen and every time i watch it somehow it gets funnier

Some more general favourites that I do still love but don’t rewatch as often, and don’t wanna go into more detail about are:

Moon (2009), Crna Mačka Beli Mačor, The Sixth Sense, Parasite, The Handmaiden, Tremors, Wet Hot American Summer, Tucker and Dale vs Evil, What We Do In The Shadows, Hunt For the Wilderpeople, The Secret of My Success (I love kitschy 80s movies, is that obvious by now), The Green Mile, When Harry Met Sally, Rear Window, The Odd Couple, Breaking Away, Pan’s Labyrinth, To Kill A Mockingbird, The Eagle, Gladiator, The Artist, The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec, Call Me By Your Name, Master and Commander, Pacific Rim, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Legend (1985), Emma. (2020), Flash Gordon, Trolljegeren, Hross í Oss, Beverly Hills Cop, Coming to America, WarGames, District 9, Ajeossi (2010), Tracks (2013), Sightseers, Mud (2012), Pitch Black, Four Lions, Shaun of the Dead, Starship Troopers, The Truman Show, Withnail & I....... Jesus Christ ok I need to stop

NOTABLE EXTREME FAVOURITES that I didn’t include in the regular rewatch list because they’re too heavy/not as well known/require more attention.:

Thin Red Line (1998), Badlands (1973) both dir. Terrence Malick

Malick’s brand of dreamy impressionistic filmmaking is something I find really appealing, both of these movies are gorgeous and unusual and poignant and, in the case of Thin Red Line at least, have a lot of things to say about a lot of rough subjects. I don’t totally understand all those things sometimes, but a theme with a lot of my favourite movies is that I’ll be more likely to love something long-term if it raises unanswered questions, or is surreal/esoteric etc. Plus the cinematography is incredible, and I wish there was a way to get Jim Caviezel’s narration from The Thin Red Line as an audiobook because it’s very poetic and soothing.

Let the Bullets Fly (2010) dir. Jiang Wen

This movie is WILD, it’s so much fun. It’s sprawling and intricate and epic and smart and really fucking funny, it! Has! Everything! A gang of very tolerant outlaws!! Jiang Wen’s beautiful broad chest!!! Chow Yun Fat absolutely DECIMATING the scenery, and the two of them outsmarting each other in order to gain control of a small Chinese town!!! Plus it’s long, but it packs so much nonsense and intrigue that it goes by really fast. Wow what a flick

A Field in England (2013) dir. Ben Wheatley

I know I included this in my horror list but aaaaahhh ahhhh Wheatley is one of my favourite directors (he also made Sightseers, and is directing the Tomb Raider sequel which makes me absolutely rabid.) This is a surreal black-and-white psychological horror black comedy set in the English Civil War about some deserters who may or may not meet the Devil in a field. People eat mushrooms. It’s bonkers. I love being blasted in the face with imagery that I don’t understand

Mandy (2018) dir. Panos Cosmatos

Speaking of being blasted in the face!!!!! This movie... I saw it in the cinema and I can’t even begin to explain the experience, but I’ll try. My favourite review site described it like this:

“...somewhere between a prog album cover come to life and a metal album cover come to life, and subscribes to both genre's artistic tendency towards maximalism: what it ends up being is basically naught else but two glorious hours of being pounded by bold colors...”

So, prog and metal are my two favourite genres of music. This movie opens with the quote “When I die, bury me deep, lay two speakers at my feet, put some headphones on my head and rock and roll me when I'm dead.” and then a King Crimson song, it is SURREAL to the nth degree, it’s violent and bizarre and Nic Cage forges a giant silver axe to destroy demonic bikers and there is a CHAINSAW DUEL. A galaxy swirls above a quarry. Multiple animated horror nightmare sequences. At one point a man says “you exude a cosmic darkness” and releases a live tiger. At another point Cage says, in a digitally deepened voice, “The psychotic drowns where the mystic swims. You’re drowning. I’m swimming.” and I haven’t stopped thinking about it for two years

Paper Moon (1973) dir. Peter Bogdanovich

Really fantastic movie set in the Great Depression (and also in black & white) about a conman and a little kid who may or may not be his daughter, running cons across the Midwest. It’s beautifully shot, so sharp and sweet and the progression of their dynamic is really well done because they’re played by an IRL father and daughter. Tatum O’Neal was NINE YEARS OLD and she’s so amazing in this movie she’s actually the youngest person to win a competitive category Oscar. I keep trying to get people to watch this fbdjfjdbf it’s wonderful

Alpha (2018) dir. Albert Hughes

THIS MOVIE IS A VICTIM OF BAD MARKETING ok, the trailers made it look like some twee crappy sentimental Boy And His Dog Adventure, plus it had voiceovers in American-accented english? That’s a total disservice to one of the coolest things about this film; the fact that they got a linguist to construct an entirely original Neolithic language that all the characters speak for the entire runtime. And yes, it is eventually a Boy And His Wolf adventure, but it’s COOL and fairly brutal, and it has some really incredible cinematography. The landscapes are so strange and barren and alien, you really get the sense that this is an ancient world we no longer have any connection to. And it’s also about like, the birth of dog & human companionship sooo it’s perfect.

Free Solo (2018) dir. Elizabeth Chai Vasarhelyi, Jimmy Chin

The Free Climbing Documentary. I loved climbing as a kid, I love outdoor sports, and I love movies that elicit a physical reaction in me, whether that’s horny, scared, real laughter, overwhelming shivers, or in the case of Free Solo - HORRIBLE SWEATING TENSION. Like, I knew about Alex Honnold beforehand because of this adventure film festival I go to every year and I followed him on IG so obviously I knew he lived, but the actual climb itself was torture. My hands sweat every time I see it!! It’s incredible, such a cool look into generally what the human body can do, and more specifically, why Honnold’s psychology and life means he’s so well suited to free soloing. It’s such an exercise in getting to know an individual and get invested in them, before they attempt something very potentially fatal.

Brokeback Mountain (2005) dir. Ang Lee

I can’t even talk about this. When I was around 13 I snuck downstairs to watch this on TV at 11pm in secret, and my life was forever changed. I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t seen Brokeback at the age I did. I seriously can’t talk about this or I’ll write an even longer essay than this already is

God’s Own Country (2017) dir. Francis Lee

The antidote to Brokeback Mountain, I’m so glad I managed to see this one in the cinema too. It makes me cry every time, as someone who’s spent years working on a cold British farm with sheep it was very realistic, which is expected since Lee grew up on a farm in Yorkshire. I love that this movie isn’t really about being closeted, but about being so emotionally repressed and self-loathing that the main character finds it so hard to accept love. Or that he deserves to be loved. The cinnamontographies.... lordt... but also the intimacy and sex scenes are fucking searing wow who hasn’t seen this movie by now. 10 stars. 20 stars!!!

Tomboy (2011) dir. Céline Sciamma

I saw this years ago but I’ve never forgotten it, it cut so deep. It’s from the director of Portrait of a Lady on Fire and it’s about a gnc kid struggling with gender and misogyny and homophobia in a really raw, scrappy way, it reminded me very much of my own... childhood... ahh the central performance is amazing for such a young age. I haven’t seen Portrait yet but I feel like if you went nuts for that, you should definitely check this out, it’s lovely.

Donnie Darko (2001) dir. Richard Kelly

EVERY TIME I WATCH THIS MOVIE I UNDERSTAND LESS AND LESS and that’s what I love so much about it. I love surreal movies, I love time-fuckery and stuff about altered perception etc etc and Donnie Darko scratches all my itches. I wish I could find a way to figure out an IT AU for it, because I know it would work! Somehow! Plus it’s got the subdued 80s nostalgia and I found it at an age when I was really starting to explore movies and music and the soundtrack FUCKS.

Offside (2006) dir. Jafar Panahi

I wish more people knew about this!!! It’s an Iranian film about a disparate group of women and girls who are football fans and want to watch Iran’s qualifying match for the World Cup, but women aren’t allowed into the stadium, so they all get thrown into the Stadium Jail together? They don’t know each other beforehand, but it’s about their changing relationships with each other and the guards and just, their defiance alongside hearing the match from the outside and WOW it’s so lively. Great dialogue and very funny, and such a different kind of story from anything you usually see from Hollywood.

The Fall (2006) dir. Tarsem Singh

This movie... I guess it’s the ideal. This is the platonic ideal of a film for me, it has fantasy, magical realism, glorious visuals, amazing score and costumes and production design and a really interesting, heartbreaking relationship at the core of it. I don’t know why so many of my favourite films feature incredibly raw performances by child actors but this is another one, Catinca Untaru barely knew any English and improvised so much because of that, and it’s fascinating to watch! Also the dynamic with Lee Pace is one of my favourites, where a kid forms a friendship with a guardian figure who isn’t their parent, but the guardian grows to really care for them by the end. It’s like Paper Moon in that sense. What is there to even say about this movie, it’s pure magic joy tempered and countered by genuine gutwrenching emotional conflict in the real world, it’s also ABOUT old moviemaking, in a way, and it’s stunning to look at!

Mad Max Fury Road (2015) dir. George Miller

I know I included this in my “most rewatched” section but it deserves its own thing. We all know why this movie is fucking incredible. I remember clutching my armrests in the cinema and feeling like my skeleton was being blasted back into the seat behind me and tbh that is the high I’m constantly chasing when I go to see any movie. What a fucking gift this film is

Théo et Hugo dans le Même Bateau (2016) dir. Olivier Ducastel, Jacques Martineau

I only found this movie last year and it became an instant favourite. Initially I was just curious because I’d never seen a movie with unsimulated sex before, but it’s so much more than the 18 minute gay sex club orgy it opens with. No, not more than, AS WELL AS. The orgy is important because this movie is so candid and frank about sex and HIV treatment in the modern day, it was eye-opening. Another thing that really got me is that I’d never seen a real-time film before. It’s literally an hour and a half in the lives of these two men, their intense connection and conversation and conflict in the middle of the night in Paris, with some really nice night photography and just!!! Wow!!! AMAZING CHEMISTRY between the actors. This is such a gem if you’re comfortable with explicit sexual content.

Ok. This is already over 3k but film is obviously one of my ridiculous passions and I can and do talk about it for hours. I’ve been reading magazines about it for years, listening to podcasts and reading review blogs and recently, watching video essays on YouTube because the whole process is so interesting to me and I want to learn more!!

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of valuing form over narrative. The idea that story can often come second to the deeper physical experience and emotional reaction that’s created by using ALL the elements of filmmaking and not just The Story, y’know? Whether that’s editing, shot composition, colour, the sound mix, the actors, how it should all be used to heighten the emotional state the script wants you to feel. And so, I think for a few years now this approach has been influencing the types of films I really, really love.

I think I love surreality and mind-bending magical realism in films specifically because the filmmakers have to use all those different tools to convey things that can be way too metaphysical for just... a script? I’m always chasing that physical response; if a movie can make me stop thinking “I wonder what it was like to set up that shot” and instead overwhelm that suspension of disbelief, if I can be terrified or woozy or crying for whatever reason, that’s what I’m looking for. That’s why I watch so many fuckin movies, and why I’ll always remember nights like seeing IT (2017) for giving me another favourite.

Thank you again for this question, I didn’t mean to go so overboard. Also there’s no way to do a readmore on tumblr mobile so apologies to anyone’s dashboard 😬

[razanartuk]

about me tag game thing

i was tagged by the wonderful @nothingunrealistic! thank you very much ily <3

under read more bc i was not capable of keeping my answers brief this time around

why did you choose your url?

this...was supposed to be a short explanation but it turned into quite a tale so strap in i guess because we are going on a ride. back in 2017 i was just getting into musical theatre rp and i was still feeling too shy to really talk to anyone ooc so i would just wait for people i wanted to interact with to post starter calls so i could just do things in character with them the easy way. So i did this with my friend cam, who posted a starter for me using a lyric from If I Could Tell Her. she linked the song so i could listen to it, so i did and i went ‘wait a minute, is that Ben Platt from Pitch Perfect?? (and other things too, but i only recognized his voice at the time bc of the acappella girl movies)’ and yes it certainly was.

i had zero idea what the plot of Dear Evan Hansen was about at that point, and for some reason based off Just That One Song and the poster art of who i assumed was Some Guy in a Polo Shirt i started to think it was about some jock guy who broke his arm and had an emo/goth friend who had either died or gone missing under mysterious circumstances. also i intuited that Evan had a crush on his friend’s sister but he couldn’t tell her that directly or his emo friend would kick his ass. so i was like mostly wrong, but a little bit right.

oh and i knew jared and alana were characters from the show bc cam said that they were i think?? but i had no idea what their role was. so after listening to if i could tell her, i listened to good for you and all i really got out of that was that evan the apparently not-jock guy had done...something... that really hurt jared and alana. and at that point i finally decided to go look up a plot synopsis and i found out i was waaay off base. but honestly this is why cast recordings should include scene dialogue in the songs bc otherwise you just get soundtracks like dear evan hansen where the songs have like. zero context. we really just go from waving through a window to for forever to sincerely me without like. any reason as to what is happening huh. It’s honestly not a surprise anymore that all those people on twitter had no idea the plot isn’t about gay teenagers.

anyways. cam was writing jared and she made a post at one point about wishing somebody would write alana and i was like ‘oh i could do that!’ (after i had actually Seen a bootleg and finally knew what the whole story was, of course) so i made a multimuse rp blog featuring alana beck, nabulungi hatimbi, chloe valentine and some other characters, and cam started sharing her headcanons with me that alana is trans, jared and alana were close friends when they were little kids but they sort of drifted apart as they got older and their priorities in life changed, jared was the first person alana came out to when she realized she’s trans, etc.

one night i started talking about wanting to pick a more theatre-relevant url for my blog and trans-[character name] urls were getting pretty popular, and at least 3 of the friends i made through rp had changed theirs to coordinating trans-[character name] and i think it was cam suggested i should make mine be trans-alana so i did. eventually i realized the unhyphenated version was available so i changed it to transalana with no hyphen and i have lived here ever since. sometimes i think about changing it but i feel like transalana has become a part of My Brand and i am not so great with coming up with cool names for things.

any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them

in theory, i have sideblogs... i don’t really use them, but of the ones i do have, there is:

emsbookblog - this was supposed to be where i would post excerpts of the book that i’m working on, but i think i did that maybe one time roughly 2 years ago and then promptly forgot about it/got nervous about my writing and was scared to share anything else. the rest of the stuff that is there is assorted writing tips. i don’t really know what to do with it now. i probably should post all my little thoughts about em and anita and caleb there instead of infodumping on my main from time to time, but if i do that then i have to promo a sideblog and direct people over to it which is always annoying to me when i could just do it on this blog which is much easier

dearnovelhansen - this is basically no longer used, but was a sideblog i made specifically to talk/complain about the novel adaptation of Dear Evan Hansen which was about 3 years ago?? maybe? i can’t be trusted to understand the passage of time. but to summarize: i thought it was an honor just to have the story be made more accessible since many of us couldn’t see the stage performance, but i hated a lot of the creative liberties that were taken. my main grumbles are that everyone who isn’t evan or connor is done so dirty in the novel. connor’s still kind of done dirty in the book, but not as much as like. heidi, alana, jared, and zoe are.

horseisle3 - this one was meant to be a place where i could just enthusiastically post screenshots from hi3, but instead it turned into a blog where i occasionally reblog other players’ hi3 content and bitch about how bad the game admins are bc hi3 is the tumblr famous (infamous?) homophobic horse game. the game where it was once okay to call your club store the gulag bc according to their head of hr, ‘it’s just a russian word for prison’ but you can’t say ‘im gay’ without somebody accusing you of corrupting young children who play the game. unfortunately there aren’t very many good interactive horse games out there, so this one is still about as good as it gets. it’s either that or star stable and i don’t care about star stable.

mlaenie - i’ve had this url saved for i don’t even know how long. way way way back in the day when i wanted to escape from the clutches of the onceler fandom i abandoned my first blog where i basically had an alter ego i guess?? and i decided to just be myself on the new blog. i don’t fully remember who came up with it, but one of my sister’s mutuals suggested that if you scrambled the letters in your name you could come up with aesthetic-looking urls. so lauren’s url became lrauen, and to match with her mine became mlaenie, which i abandoned on tumblr after about a year or so? but have continued to use as my main username on twitter, reddit, youtube, xbox, steam, and discord. i barely ever use any of these accounts aside from twitter, steam, and xbox, but yeah. so i’ve decided to try and turn this empty sideblog into a place for video game thoughts maybe. we’ll see how long it lasts this time around.

how long have you been on tumblr?

i made my first tumblr account in december of 2010, but i didn’t understand how to use it at all or how to customize my theme to look cool and unique so i quickly abandoned it. i made a new account in september of 2011 after some kids at school and my sister told me i should and i have been trapped here with varying degrees of activity/inactivity ever since. i have witnessed the rise and fall of the lorax/onceler fandom, hyperfocused on lord of the rings, star wars and back to the future all at the same time, and for the past 4 years i’ve mostly been a musical theatre blog with assorted other fandom stuff mixed in. i feel i have seen everything and nothing, but mostly i’m just tired and bored.

do you have a queue tag?

no bc i don’t use a queue. i’ve tried using it in the past but i irrationally feel pressured to sustain a coherent theme to queued posts and my brain simply does not vibe with that so i just don’t use it at all anymore. Instead i instantly reblog or post several unrelated thoughts in succession and then don’t post again at all for 3 days. the way god intended

why did you start your blog in the first place?

my very first blog was intended to be a place for me to post all of my petz 5 animals’ profile info, but i didn’t have any understanding of how coding worked at all and i don’t think i really wanted to learn, either. so it just sat there, unused. my second attempt at blogging was as a classic rock fandom person, so as you can probably imagine i was pretty pretentious about ‘modern pop’ vs the beatles, the rolling stones, the who, the monkees, and so on. and then i slowly devolved into a lorax fandom blog and everything went to shit so i made a new blog for lord of the rings/the hobbit which later evolved to include star wars and back to the future blogging. and then for the past 4 years i’ve been mainly a musical theatre blog with other random stuff i like thrown haphazardly into the pot. wonderful.

why did you choose your icon/pfp?

because my url is transalana and two of my most prominent lgbt headcanons are that alana beck is trans and a lesbian. i gotta be shouting out @kinqmike though bc she’s the one i adopted the trans alana beck headcanon from in the first place!

why did you choose your header?

in 2017 i was hyperfixating on Dear Evan Hansen (and Be More Chill, but there weren’t many gif-able videos then considering it ran for a month in New Jersey in 2015 and there was only one yet-to-resurface 35 minute bootleg) so i just grabbed a random gif off of google. i really should get to replacing it with a new header of my own though. i just don’t know what i should do for it.

what’s your post with the most notes?

i have lost track of how many notes it has (i think it’s somewhere around 200 now?) but when Will Roland and George Salazar performed Two Player Game on Good Morning America, i posted a screencap of their Jeremy and Michael along with that one quiz answer meme that says stuff like ‘i want to see it grow up healthy’. i didn’t tag it with any ship names or anything because i was anxious about having it show up in the tags, but somebody who reblogged it from me did tag it as boyf riends and i firmly believe it took off because of that. i don’t think i make posts that are relevant enough to amass thousands of notes, even by accident. which is probably a good thing bc if i did i would have to block so many of them.

how many followers do you have?

on this blog? 175 according to the counter. how many of those are still real people and how many are bots and abandoned accounts? i have no idea.

how many people do you follow?

i try to keep it somewhere around 200. i think i’m sitting at 180 right now but i kind of need to go through and clear out the really inactive blogs.

have you made a shitpost?

let’s think about this for a second. i’ve been on tumblr for nearly 10 years. you might even be able to say i’ve made more than one. they’re just not what you would call...popular shitposts.

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ post?

that stuff makes me so incredibly anxious that i have to fight the urge to want to yeet my laptop or mobile device through the closest window whenever i read it, so i try very hard to avoid any sort of ‘if you don’t reblog this, i’m judging you’ posts. i find them very manipulative and not particularly helpful

do you like tag games?

yeah babey!! i just frequently forget to do them, but please know that if you have ever tagged me in a tag game i felt incredibly touched by the gesture and the @mention even if i completely forgot to do the thing afterward

do you like ask games?

i do! but also rip to literally anyone who has ever sent me an ask meme bc it takes me so long to answer them. i’m still working on a micro fic prompt from a few weeks ago. also, horrified to realized that it has in fact been a few weeks and not 3 days anymore.

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

i don’t know that any are tumblr famous as a whole. but probably @neverheardnothing

do you have a crush on a mutual?

in any sort of romantic connotation? no. not that i’m aware of. there are mutuals that i have friend crushes on where i want to be friends with them but i get so anxious when it comes to meeting new people that usually nothing ever comes of it. i’m really not good at small talk or other casual conversation either which, as you may or may not be able to imagine, sucks. i just wanna skip over all of the awkward introductions and ‘hey how are you, how is life, what are you doing with yourself?’ stuff. not because i don’t care about it. i do, but i think most of my friends/the people i want to be my friends are also depressed and anxious so asking these basic questions about life tends to uh. make us all nervous. and i don’t do much with my life so i always have the most boring answers anyways.

i’m not tagging anyone officially bc the @ thing has just completely given up on me at this point, but if you want to do it, go for it. and then say i tagged you so i can read it c: