#guess this was my attempt to rant on amazon

[shouldprobablybereading]

You can kinda tell in each discussion page how many people are audiobook readers compared to other formats by how big of an opinion they have on the audible situation with the secret projects

I rarely use audiobooks and despise audible with a passion, so I am mostly kinda glad at the middle finger to amazon. But it is very interesting hearing from people who actually use it regularly

To be clear the reason I despise audible as a company is because it’s so tied to their subscription service

If I want to purchase a certain audiobook from them and not get the subscription service, it doesn’t show up in their app at all. Neither the books that I have paid for myself at full price or the books that other family members have and I should have access to through family sharing. Only through logging in on a specific website (not audible it’s some other library part of amazon that I can never find on the first try) on a computer is it possible to access the audiobooks and listen to them. Same website on phone or ipad gives you nothing. That is impractical to the point that I only ever do it when it’s something I need for school and have no other option, no matter how much I pay not only do I not actually own the product but I can’t even access it properly. It wouldn’t be a problem if they had competitors where I could buy them instead, but as established a lot of books are only sold through amazon. Kindle works fine with 0 issues so it’s very specifically audible that is trash in that department

[bittybattybunny]

HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT I FINISHED

well mostly

that’s a temp crown and I have a single seam left BUT IT’S DONE REALLY OTHER THAN THAT

So now I’m prince ;3c (i also realized i could have grabbed my fake bouquet from my room for more fun---) also I’m wearing a face mask cuz I really didn’t want to put makeup on to fuck around in my basement when I do a proper photo shoot with Snuppet or something I will but deal with the mask (which btw is from @/timetravelinghk !!! It’s one of my favs to wear besides my levisnatch i wear at work)

I’m like super pleased with how this came out; It’s like patterned fully from scratch *stares at the failed attempts* yeah. it’s been a journey.

I’m gonna ramble a bit about the things I dealt with with this costume so read more I’m long winded

For context I started drafting patterns and such for Prince back when I made Snuppet. The idea has always been to cosplay as Prince and HK when I puppet him. However I wound up getting called back to my day job like right after I finished Snups so I never had a chance to continue because hooooo boi this summer was nuts. People wtf we broke records in sales for my work despite pandemic but i’ve ranted before--

There was also the matter of my boots and my wig. See the wig I’m wearing is the SECOND wig i bought for prince. the first one arrived all like... weird. i can’t get it to be fixed so I’ll use it for a monster costume and cover it with blood (its got like weird glue residue. like how some monster high dolls’ hair gets?)

This one is really nice uvu it’s my first arda wig i ordered; I do have the same in a dark purple because I will be making a ‘shadow prince’ version of this outfit in black and purple

and then the boots.

hoo boi

those boots

*inhale*

So let me say, I have decent sized feet. I wear between a womens 10 and 11 and that makes finding shoes a lil hard.

More so when I need very fucking specific shoes.

Yes i could do boot covers but it wasn’t going to be the same.

so I spent over a month looking and finally found those ones. they cost me a little bit (like they by far are the most expensive shoes I’ve ever bought. I hate spending money on shoes even for cosplay)

So they said they’d arrive soonish. I even paid express shipping.

Guys i ordered them in April. I got them late AUGUST. the site was a nightmare i could never get info it was permanently stuck in ‘packaging order for shipment’ and the help desk sucked and I was so busy with work I couldn’t call my bank and then just one day

they were just in a bag shoved in my mail box. i opened them right before a shift so they sat in my car all day

then i ordered gold cord on amazon

LACING THESE THINGS IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE

the first time I wore them took me no lie about half hour to get them laced proper and on. My sister was waiting and had to come up like “...you okay?”

once laced tho i can easily put them on and off in like 5 minutes

now the costume itself has been. interesting. so you can’t see but the actual way i put this on is there’s a zipper and velcro! I’ve mentioned before I have CFS and chronic pain issues so I try to make my cosplays easy in easy out if i can. so this actually just. zips up and then the flap with buttons velcros down. it keeps the whole thing a lot smoother across my chest. (also i wear a binder for this cosplay. I bought my first one for this. if you cant tell i kinda went all out for this cosplay because I resonate with this fucker on a personal level and he’s brought me peace of mind this last year. I haven’t done a male cosplay in years and it’s kinda nice to do it again.)

Those sleeves

hhhhhh

those sleeves

trying to figure out the proper way to make those puff sleeves was. yeah. and even then they aren’t perfect but they work for me. When I redo this for shadow prince I may make them a little.. poofier? i have the idea how to do it now.

I also like had to alter my pattern after i made it to fit better. I have narrow sloping shoulders so things slip off them easily, my original pattern had very BROAD shoulders whoops.

the collar was also fun. i have to keep like stabbing myself with pins to get it to stand right.

I think the cravat was the easiest thing. it’s actually not tied or anything. its sewn together and then there’s velcro so i just wrap it around my neck and secure. As i said. i prefer easy on easy off.

the pants were. fun. I’ve always had issues making pants. the first set well... I made farrrr too thin. the legs were fine but i couldn't get the waist bit over my thighs or rear TTvTT

I’ve been playing with that pattern for the past week. I actually made them too WIDE today which is a much easier fix. tbh could take them in more but I do want the poof a bit. I do need to not wear LEGGINGS under them next time. like.

this costume is warm. I’m going to be a roast prince when con’s are a thing again. between how warm the tunic and binder are, and carrying/puppeting snuppet if you see me please know if I glare it’s most likely I’m dying. Gods it’s warm. I overheat so easily. (another reason I make it easy on and off)

So yeah! that’s my tirade on my prince cosplay! if you actual read down to this point mwah!

get a laugh out of the fact as I was coming back up stairs i scared my cat. he always freaks out when I’m in cosplay.

Also admire i took these photos blind. I didn’t want to put contacts in so i was playing with my new remote (i got a phone based tripod and it has a bluetooth remote to take photos it’s fucking great ngl)

alright I’m gonna go---

idk watch youtube tbh Im just happy i finished this!!!!

also please ignore the fucking litterbox i swore i moved it out of frame akjkldsffg

[itsclydebitches]

Discredit Pt. 2: More Recommended Reviews For A.Z. Fell’s

Alright, folks. Some notes first: 

1. You all rock. I’m sending out 20k+ virtual hugs for all the notes I NEVER expected to get on this nonsense. 

2. This is probably the final section, just because I’m not sure I can adequately follow up part one and it might be foolish to attempt it here. Let alone twice. But for now, here we go. 

3. Kudos to the anon who reminded me of Aziraphale’s cash-only policy <3 

4. Nicole Y’s review is based off an actual comment I read years ago, but heaven only knows where online it was. I’ve got the memory of a goldfish. 

5. Trigger warning for the use of a queer slur in this. It’s the same review as above, number 5 if you want to avoid it. 

6. There’s a text-only version of just the reviews at the end, after all the images. I’ll upload that to my Sparse Clutter collection on AO3 in a bit. 

Bonus 7. People thinking this is a real shop deserve all the good things in this world. 

That’s all I’ve got. Hope you enjoy! 👍

****************************************************************************

I’m a simple guy who likes simple jokes. If there’s a whoopee cushion I plant it. I will call you up to ask if your refrigerator is running and then tell you to go catch it. (Actually that one died out so thoroughly it’s actually capable of a comeback now!). Yes, I’m a dad and yes, I have a t-shirt that says Dad Jokes? I Think You Mean Rad Jokes! which I wear un-ironically every Saturday. All of which is just to say that my wife was well prepared for my stupidity when I walked into Fell’s.

I? I was not.

You see the bibles when you walk in? The ones to the left? Let them be. Don’t even look at them. Definitely don’t pick out the fanciest one you can find and absolutely don’t walk up to the owner with it held in your pudgy little fingers, grinning like a loon, cheerfully asking whether this should be in the fiction section. Just don’t. Mark my words you’ll regret it. Though your wife won’t. She’ll get a great old laugh out of it all.

In conclusion: it’s quite possible that mama did raise a fool and he just got his ass verbally whooped by a guy in a bowtie.  

***

Shout-out to Mr. Fell for being the only decent bloke in this city. I’ve popped in and out of his store for years—including before I started transitioning. So he knew my dead name, dead look, whole shebang and I was definitely nervous to play the ‘You know me, but this is what’s changed and are you gonna throw a fit about it?’ game.

You know what he said? “Oh, Rose! What a lovely choice. Crowley dear, why aren’t you growing any roses? Some white ones would look splendid next to my Henredon chair.”

That’s it. He just went straight into dragging his partner for not giving him roses. So hey, Mom? Next time you’re snooping through my social media why don’t you explain to all these nice people why the 50+yo book seller accepts me in ways you won’t. Don’t go telling me age is an excuse or that you’re ‘Stuck in your ways.’ I’ve watched Fell dress in the same damn clothes since I was ten!!

Yeah. Sorry. Rant over. Fell’s a gem. That’s my take. Rose out.

***

Anyone else in the shop when that guy started yelling about buying pornography? And then got escorted into the back room for some ‘private conversation’? Well done, Mr. Fell! Didn’t know you had it in you.

***

Alright alright alright alright I am TOTALLY calm about this.

Went into A.Z. Fell’s last Thursday. Not because I knew anything about the place. Just because I’ve been hitting up every bookshop within a twenty-mile radius, asking if they’re hosting any book signings. Long story short I self-published my novel Blight last month—which you can get for a mere £5 here but I swear this isn’t a promotional thing I’m just BROKE—and have been looking for networking opportunities, tips, stuff like that. So the owner listened politely as I explained all this. Then said he didn’t do anything of that sort, which didn’t surprise me given the shop’s vibe.

But then? Then??? He offered to let me do a signing there??????

As said. Totally calm about this. This man either plans to kidnap me or is actually giving me my first shot at an audience outside my blog. AKA totally worth the risk.

Tuesday the 9th. 7:00pm. Just in case anyone’s interested ;)

***

holy sweet baby jesus i was tripping balls last week you tryin’ to tell me that kING KONG SIZED FANGED FUCK SNAKE IS REAL

***

Witnessed the most perfect exchange the other day:

Grumpy Dude With No Manners: “You. Boy. Where’s the man I spoke with over the phone?”

Mr. Fell’s Partner Who Knows Damn Well Only Two of Them Work There But Clearly Doesn’t Like This Guy’s Tone: “Did this man give you his name?”

Grumpy Dude: “Might have. Don’t remember. Sounded like a fairy though.”

Me: “....”

My girlfriend: “....”

This Poor Sweet Startled Kid On Our Left: “?!?!?!?”

Fell’s Partner In The Drollest Voice I’ve Ever Heard: “None of us have wings. Out!”

***

This shop gets full stars simply because every time I walk in they’re playing Queen.

I mean, I’ve walked in once, but once is enough when you’ve got Crazy Little Thing Called Love blasting full volume.

***

Okay, I’m still kind of shaken up but I needed to write this out somewhere and this seemed as good a place as any.

I spilled my latte on a book. Just tripped on thin air, popped the lid, and chucked a venti’s worth of coffee all over a very expensive looking text. I didn’t mean to, obviously, but it happened and I just started bawling on the spot. Full on sobs because this semester has been absolute hell, I ruined this guy’s antique, there’s no way I can pay for it, I can’t even sneak away because I’m drawing the whole store’s attention...just all the things all at once. I really was straight up panicking and was seconds away from pulling out my inhaler. I couldn’t breathe.

And then Mr. Fell showed up.

Jesus it’s embarrassing to admit but I think I hit him once or twice. On the arms I mean, because he was trying to touch me and I figured, I don’t know, it was a restraint or something. He was going to call the police and hold me until they got there. But then he managed to start rubbing my back and I lost it like I hadn’t already been bawling my eyes out in this shop. Ever cry into a perfect stranger’s chest? I have! But if Mr. Fell seemed to mind he definitely didn’t show it. Just kept holding me while I probably ruined his shirt and then took me into the back and made me a new coffee in this cute little angel mug. He let me stay there while I called my sister and waited for her to arrive.

She’s a good twenty minutes outside of Soho, so we talked for a while. It’s not like Mr. Fell could fix my shit roommate or bio classes, but I guess just talking about it all really helped. I was a lot calmer by the time my sis arrived and Mr. Fell insisted I come back any time I wanted—for browsing or more coffee.

Of course, sis offered to pay for the book herself. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look so surprised in my life. “Certainly not!” he said. “Contrary to popular belief, no one should pay for their mistakes. It’s what makes you all so wonderfully human.”

So yeah. Thanks, Mr. Fell.

***

This little shop must have started a book club for kids! Lately I’ve seen the same group of children hanging out at Fell’s. Three boys and a girl. They’re a bit rambunctious at times, but who isn’t at that age? So wonderful seeing literature passed down to the next generation. Even if some of it is rather questionable looking...

***

It’s an honest crime that more of you aren’t talking about what a wonderful bookstore this is.

I’m a book lover at heart and Fell’s always makes me feel like I’m coming home. I just arrived somewhere safe and familiar after a particularly harrowing day. I’ve slipped under the covers of my bed after dinner and a bubble bath. It’s something like that, but with an element of surprise too. One of the reasons why I adore private and used shops over chain stores is that little touch of chaos. You walk in and sure, there are general sections to browse, but everything is just a little bit disorganized from people leafing through books and then putting them back somewhere else. There’s no real record keeping, you’ve just gotta head to one particular corner and hope for the best. It’s not the sort of place you go to if you want something specific because the chances of them having it are slim—that’s just how the universe works—and even if they did no employee knows where it is anymore.

But if you wander the shelves for a while, crouch down low to get a look at everything on the bottom shelf, pay attention to the books that don’t have easy to read titles or any summaries to speak of... you just might find something you didn’t know you were looking for. That’s Fell’s: the comfort of the familiar and the excitement of the unknown.

*** A lot of people might assume that these stories are embellished or outright made up, but as a bookseller myself going on twenty years I believe every single one of them.

That being said, I accidentally moved a rug and found chalk sigils that look like they belong in a cult. Make of that what you will.

***

There’s a special place in hell for 21st century shop owners that only take cash. Who carries cash anymore? Not me! I haven’t bothered with that nonsense in years! You can get a card reader for 15 pounds on Amazon. Or you know what? Be stingy and pay 7 for the little attachment on your phone. This place is nuts if it thinks it’s going to survive much longer on a cash-only policy, especially with some books that look like they’re worth hundreds or thousands of pounds! Yeah, yeah, just let me pull out this giant wad of bills for you. I’ll carry them around a crime-laden city because there’s no ATM near you either.

I mean jesus, you’d think this guy didn’t want to sell anything.

***

I walked in. There was a man screaming at a fern while another threatened him with an umbrella. I walked out.

5 stars do recommend.

***

I once walked in on the same (?) guy yelling at a book for daring to fall on the owner’s head. I think that’s just a Thing over there.

***

Like a lot of people here I didn’t actually go to Fell’s for any books (flat tire, Angel Recovery taking forever) and ended up staying three hours (not because of Angel). No, I wandered towards the back and found this ancient CRT set propped on a table of books, the kind that my Dad used to watch Twilight Zone on. This lanky guy had a marathon of Gilmore Girls going... though how he was managing that with a broken antenna and no DVR, I really don’t know. But yeah. He told me to pull up a chair and I did. Guy gave me popcorn.

I wish I’d paid a little more attention to his name. Charlie? Curley? I really can’t remember, but thanks for the enjoyable afternoon, man.

***

I BOUGHT A BOOK HERE

Not sure how though. Just kinda happened. First edition of Just William. Frankly I didn’t even want the thing, but the owner basically shoved me out the door with it when I took two seconds to look at the spine. Odd that he was so willing to part with this one.

Update: ... hold up. I didn’t buy a book because I never actually paid the guy. ‘Basically shoved me out the door’ was literal. Do I go back??

***

This page has really gone feral the last couple of months so I’m just gonna bite the bullet and say it:

Anyone notice that Fell’s snake and Fell’s partner are never in the same room together?

***

I really don’t like the implications of this…

***

This is precisely why the Internet has turned into a cesspool. You all should be ashamed of some of the stuff you’re writing here. Can’t two men just be friends anymore? Two real life men? These guys aren’t some characters for you to ‘ship’ or whatever. Quit making outrageous assumptions about their sexualities and use this website for what it’s actually for: reviewing the bookshop. Honestly I’m so sick of this sort of this shit.

***

Dude. They run a queer-focused shop together with a flat on the second floor. Fell calls the guy ‘Dear’ and he’s always calling him ‘Angel.’ People have literally seen them kissing. If you want I can give you the number of my physician. He might be able to help you pull your head out of your ass.

***

What the hell is your problem? I’m literally just reminding people to stop making assumptions. It’s gross and insulting. These guys check their Yelp page. You really think they’re gonna be okay with this stuff?

Also: I’m not the five-year-old relying on insults, so.

***

Making an account purely to set the record straight: I’m the hot twink in question and I married that angel. Peace

[whencallstheheart]

We’ll find out tonight if our predictions are correct! 

Responses to the written questions are under the cut.

Where is Ned and what is he doing?

No idea

Business trip

Dealing with some financial issues.

Doing business in UC or Hamilton. Nothing major

He stayed behind next episode and will be back in the finale.

I think planning something for Florence, maybe expansion for the mercantile?

I don't know

I have no idea, wth!?!?

Yo i have no idea. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say he's trying to contact Florence's daughter who wasnt there for the wedding

Maybe he's visiting his daughter? Or expanding the Mercantile somehow

With Mike. Oil pipeline

Hiding

It sure

I have no clue honestly, maybe planning a surprise for Florence?

Perhaps...expanding his store? Or ordering something new to begin to be shipped to his.

something related to factory

Sussing out suppliers

Maybe something to do with the Wyman guy?

visiting his daughter

Buying a new house or a surprise for Florence

Visiting Abigail

Planning something special for Florence

He is doing something with his daughter

No clue

With his daughter

Planning to expand the mercantile to include deliveries (Hope Valley Amazon) lol

Not sure

I really dont know!

Made out a Will since he now is married to Florence

Business in Union City

Business, but he’ll be back

I don’t Know

I dont know. This one threw me!

Literally have no idea

maybe he will come back with his daughter who will come to live at HP

some sweet surprise/gift for Florence

He is involved im some growth in HV.

Taking care of business.

He's making a business deal somewhere

I have no idea. I think it was a weird to put in o.O

Making purchases for the store.

Business stuff somewhere

I don't know

i don't know

ned things

He just took the long way home...

Adopting Flo's son

Hiding

He is picking up a surprise order gift for Florence, and it’s taking longer than expected.

Fighting attempt to take over mercantile

Talking to a divorce lawyer. Or putting a pillow over Abigail's mom's face so she can bury her already and come back to Hope Valley for his buddy Henry's sake.

Honestly I’m not sure but interested to find out!

Idk honestly. Probably actually doing something sweet for Florence but she doesn't know it.

What's up with the Pinkertons?

Not sure

A storyline to bring a change of pace to the show.

I really Don’t know

Not sure, but I don’t think it will be resolved this season, maybe it’s the cliffhanger?

I don't know

They’re hired thugs like they were in S1, just there to show Walden is a bad guy despite appearances

Factory related

Up to no good! Don’t trust them.

Yo i dont even know. They look totally sketch but they are probably the good guys actually. I'm predicting they are after someone who's been wanted for a long time. I think it may be too easy to link them with the guy who took Jesse and Clara's money

Not sure yet

Working for Waldon

Railroad

Sneakily buying land

I couldn't care less about them

Perhaps something is in the cabin/someone they don't want found.

No idea

Something to do with the mine disaster (even though it's been ages).

we will see in season 9

Setting up a good storyline for season 9

Not sure maybe something to do with the new factory that might be built

Maybe it has to do with Henry

I have no idea, but I do not like them!

No good

Buying all the land

They have Jesse. Someone wants to reopen the mine and seek revenge on Elizabeth for his son going to jail (Spurlock).

Looking for some kind of hidden good

Shady dealings going on

Guarding the future factory site. But something extra at the cabin connected with Spurlock.

Trouble

?

An even bigger I dont know on this one. Like, what in the world???

Holding Jesse captive

I think they kidnapped Jesse because he found out what they were up to but I have no idea what that is

stumped on this one

That is difficult. He is apparently connected to S1 Spurlock. Is he there for revenge? Or, just a heavy hand like his relative?

Revenge? They want to take over Hope Valley.

Something sketchy, probably bigger than just whatever is going on with the cabin though.

Land grab

No clue but they'll be one of the big bads next season

They are probably the goons of the Industry dude

They are working for somebody bigger.

They want to take over the town

I don't know

i'm worried about Nathan

idk they are the bad daddys of the season

they can only be there to cover up a crime, or some valuable find

No clue

They’re wanting to uproot Hope Valley for better business by destroying the town.

Keeping identity of mastermind safe from townspeople.

Maybe looking for Ned, who alternatively is a serial killer and now on the run. Possibly for the murder of Abigail's mother?

I’m so confused lol

Creating a monopoly & doing some villain nonsense (as it would seem the show is hinting).

Any other thoughts going into the finale?

No

There will be at least one surprise- not sure what

There are too many loose ends to tie up in one episode and I just want Elizabeth and Nathan together (and perhaps quickly married in this episode!)

I’m honestly really nervous, I’m rooting for Nathan but I have a feeling she’ll go for Lucas, I really don’t mind Lucas as a character but like what storylines can they do with them as a couple? The manuscript is finished, they’ve gone on every sort of date at this stage and she’s been in his office. What else can they do? With Nathan they can do the being scared because of his job again but making it different, there’s children involved now, it’s not just Elizabeth. Jack won’t understand but Allie will 100% feel worried for him. Also Allie having a mother figure, especially at this stage in her life, how could you not want it! The blended family as the main family would be so nice for this show, I know it’s been done before but they will be fairly front and centre in the show. Sorry for the rant, I love your blog so much! I don’t have tumblr so I can’t leave comments or like your gifs but I thoroughly enjoy all your theories and opinions!!

Just ready for this stupid love triangle to be over!

I’d love to actually see Henry meet up with Abigail, but doubt it. I hope they have Clara do something heroic for Jesse, but also doubt it. Henry will definitely be putting Hickam in charge at least temporarily. I think Ned will return but we won’t get a full explanation yet. And the dramatic ending won’t be the triangle choice, it’ll be Elizabeth losing the school.

Allie’s adoption finalized and reaction to Elizabeth choosing Nathan is something we should see.

Glad the triangle will be DONE!!

I hope that Elizabeth follows her heart and not pick someone who is a safe option.

I wish Faith were leaving instead of Carson. Also, I think there will be lots of set up for problems with the school board and Elizabeth. Also, I want more little Jack scenes but i don't think we'll get much since child acting laws and covid combined make that difficult

Excited for Elizabeth to move on from her past and enter a new adventure with either of the two men and really just everything else (Rosie and Lee, Fiona, Henry.)

I hope Faith doesn’t end up with whoever doesn’t get chosen by Elizabeth.

hopefully the finale will clear up the drawn out love triangle

The triangle was waaaaay drawn out. Be done and choose.

Nathan and Faith......would be great......

No matter who Elizabeth chooses I'm SOOOO READY to get this over with!

Kindness matters - no matter who she chooses. Isn't that why most of us watch the show

I am so over the love triangle and just want to know who Elizabeth picks.

Worried about the fandom more than anything

Elizabeth please pick Nathan

It's just a TV show and no matter what , it's there for our entertainment. I do think they're setting things up for the return of Abigail in some way.

The must be a Season 9!!!

I hope Fiona does not get involved with Mike.

Hopefully things get back to normal for Elizabeth and Rosemary

Interested to see the other storylines. I want Elizabeth to choose Nathan but I think JT will throw us off. From the promo pic, it looks like they will try to put Faith with Nathan.

- I just want Elizabeth to chose so that this storyline can come to an end and we can finally get to see her marriage and functioning has a wife. - Wonder what will become of Lucas once her choice is made. - I would like Lucas to have a proper storyline that doesn't involve Elizabeth or the love triangle. - I would love to see Rosemary and Lee finally become parents however that may happen. I feel like the writer just left them in limbo about it and keep teasing but never delivering on anything.

Hopefully will end with Nathan but the very last minute. I would prefer more romance before the finale

Elizabeth will have to decide on what’s important with school.

Jack might make an appearance in a dream scene?

So excited! I hope I don't wake up my kids while watching.

I hope they don’t pick Lucas

CLARA DISCOVERS SHE IS PREGNANT

?

Just excited for this to be over. I know we needed it and I think overall it was handled decent enough, but I'm glad to finally move on.

Why is everyone so scared?

The whole season has been about getting over your fear. Elizabeth doesn’t have to deal with her emotions or real life with Lucas because school is out for the summer and she is working on her book. She needs to make up with Rosemary and get over the loss of Jack and fear to be with Nathan.

this season has been totally not what I expected...I thought the hug at end of season 7 was definitive and we'd get at least some Nathan courtship, not a complete U-turn to Lucas (with hopefully a turn to Nathan at the very end). I now think Season 9 will be what I expected season 8 to be, and I am very much looking forward to that.

Something sudden will allow Elizabeth to bring her feelings to light for everyone...Nathan. I think she will have decided by the time she takes of the rings, but will not have the opportunity to share with the man until later. Until she faces the prospect of him being in danger again? Full circle from the end of S7.

I need Elizabeth to really apologize to Rosemary. Rosemary has always been there for Elizabeth.

I’m so afraid :(

Hated the triangle

I am so ready to finally move on from this triangle!

They put waaaay too many storyline in the last 2 episodes, they will never manage to conclude them all and we'll have another weird random cliffhanger which will not tie in with the Christmas episode (If we're getting one ?)

I hope the guy who loses, has a good life in later seasons

The annoying love triangle will finally end. Elizabeth/Nathan are endgame, unless Jack suddenly comes back from the dead. But, I doubt it. I hope Lee/Rosemary are pregnant, or decide to adopt children. I just want Lee/Rosemary to have children. Can't wait to see how this season ends. Hopefully, it won't be a cliffhanger.

Nervous as hell

Elizabeth and Nathan get married

i kinda hope someone dies tbh it would make everything more interesting

Elizabeth was so tiresome this season, they could have told her story of overcoming grief in a much more relatable way. Why did they not just have her talking to Rosemary about how sad or exhausted or numb or angry she feels all the time? You know, something a widow would actually go through. At the very least she could have been stoic, instead she was just kinda bitchy.

Faith and Nathan will have some sparks; Elizabeth will choose Lucas and they will kiss twice one being at bridge one being at her home inside with baby jack present.Carson will leave; Jessie will be found; Ned will come back safely.

Lucas endgame, Nathan and faith have sparks, Rosemary paper, Jessie and Clara make up.

I think Henry will take his own advice and leave to find Abigail to see if there is still any hope for them. Though I like his character, I want him to finally be happy, and if that means staying with Abigail, then that’s what it means. I don’t think TPTB will bring back Lori soooo.... that means Henry would be the one possibly leaving. I also think some scare will happen with Nathan between him and the Pinkertons. Then it may come full circle at the end where Elizabeth runs to him like she did last season, but instead of hugging him, she’ll kiss him instead.

Hallmark execs dictated ending and will cut salaries to bring back Abigail, hence Paul leaving.

My condolences to whichever guy gets to look forward to being bored by Elizabeth for the rest of his life. Are we sure Jack's death wasn't a suicide?

Ready to see how it ends and already looking forward to next season!

I will be really disappointed if she chooses Lucas but I’m afraid that’s where it’s headed. Either way I don’t understand how they’ll end in “the healthy place” they’ve said it will be with so much left for one episode.

[razieltwelve]

The Kids Are Fighting Again (FGO x Final Rose)

“Augh!” 

Fujimaru tried and failed to hold back a chuckle as Diana clutched at her head.

“Someone help!” Diana cried. “This mean girl is picking on me!”

The ‘mean girl’ in question was actually Diana’s sister. The group had stumbled across her on their way to confront the current ruler of Gaul. The pink-haired girl had taken one look at Diana, chopped her over the head, and then declared she would be joining them because someone had to keep her little sister out of trouble.

“Oh, be quiet.” Averia glared. Despite being a twelve-year-old, her glare was truly menacing. It made him wonder if she actually possessed Mystic Eyes of some kind. “I leave you alone for five minutes, and you end up getting summoned on another planet because, apparently, their history is going berserk and humanity could be wiped out. Can’t you at least try to stay out of trouble?”

“Technically,” Diana pointed out. “You left me alone for more than a decade since, you know, you died first.” Diana rubbed her head. “And it’s not like I could just stand by and do nothing.” She struck a pose, chest puffed out, and hands on her hips. Since she was a little kid, it looked absolutely ridiculous. “Besides, Fujimaru here is a true believe in the power of friendship. There was no way I could leave him to fend for himself.”

“...” Averia covered her face with one hand. Unlike Diana, who was dressed entirely in absurdly bright orange, she was dressed in a jeans, a jacket, and a baseball cap. If he didn’t know better, he’d have assumed she was just so regular person who’d gotten caught up in the Singularity. “Even death can’t stop you from getting into trouble. I guess I’ve got not choice.” She nodded firmly. “I’ll be coming along. Don’t worry, though, I’m no slouch. I can pull my own weight.”

“Excuse me,” Mash asked. “But what sort of Servant would you happen to be?”

“I’m a Caster,” Averia explained. “Basically, I summon things to fight for me. I also have access to powerful buffing and de-buffing abilities, so if we come up against someone strong, just keep them away from me, and I’ll stop them from doing anything scary.”

“That sounds handy.” Fujimaru smiled. “Welcome to the group, I guess. We’re supposed to go defeat the ruler of Gaul, so we’d be glad to have the help.”

“It looks like you’ll need it.” Averia pointed. “Because your allies just seem to be charging toward the enemy without anything even close to a plan.”

X    X     X

Mash was curious about what sort of abilities Averia would have. Whenever anyone asked about her family, the first person that Diana always mentioned was her Super Awesome Sister Who She Had Never Defeated. The verbal capitalisation of the words only added to the idea that Diana’s sister was some kind of invincible killing machine capable of obliterating entire worlds.

Now, some of that was undoubtedly exaggeration. Mash considered Diana a good friend, but the little girl was definitely prone to exaggerating. Then again, she had also witnessed Diana drop kick a dragon into the sunset during the Orleans Singularity using her Devastatingly Deadly Dropkick of Doom Version 5.4™, so she couldn’t dismiss Diana’s words entirely. 

“We should probably help them,” Mash murmured as Boudica and Spartacus led the charge into the enemy ranks. 

“You should take Fujimaru and some of the others and sneak into the enemy camp while their army is distracted.” Averia sighed. “I’ll help out over here.” She motioned, and a chess piece appeared in her hand. “The battlefield is something I know very well.”

The chess piece was a rook, and Averia crushed it in her hands. It vanished, and a massive, spectral tower appeared around her. All along its length, openings appeared, and Mash could make out the ends of cannons poking out.

“It’ll be fine,” Averia said. “Just leave this part to me.”

There was a thunderous roar, and the cannons fired, unleashing a blazing salvo that carved a swathe through the enemy ranks. A second salvo followed soon after, blowing craters into the ground and sending bodies flying every which way.

“It’s not very subtle,” Averia admitted. “But it gets the job done.” She tilted her head to one side. “And now they’re headed this way, just as expected.” A knight piece appeared in her hand. She crushed it, and spectral knights appeared, charging off to meet the incoming soldiers. “Go on, this will end quicker if you and the others can deal with the enemy commander.” 

X    X     X

“Behold!” Diana cried. “The Power of the People’s Elbow!”

Fujimaru couldn’t help but grin at the look of exasperation on Averia’s face. They had somehow managed to survive Altera’s attack, but they needed to defeat her before she could use it again. Thankfully, a bit of cooperation had allowed them to distract Altera long enough for her to be caught in one of Averia’s Noble Phantasms.

“I can’t believe she’s actually going to use that technique...” Averia sighed. “Well, she’ll probably survive using it since her opponent can’t resist it right now, but still...”

"Your Noble Phantasm is truly splendid,” Nero said, interrupting anything else Averia was going to say. She smiled sunnily and ruffled the girl’s hair, prompting a vicious glare from the Caster. However, Averia was powerless to do anything except glare since she needed to devote her attention to maintaining her Noble Phantasm’s effect. “To think a Noble Phantasm existed that could not only cancel the target’s skills and abilities but also seal away their Noble Phantasms as well!”

“Could you please stop ruffling my hair?” Averia asked.

“Umu... you look even more adorable when you glare,” Nero replied, continuing her hair ruffling. “And look, your sister is about to deliver the finishing blow!”

Restrained by the others, Altera was unable to dodge or defend herself as Diana bounded forward, climbed up onto Boudica’s shoulders and then flung herself into the air toward the other Servant.

“Taste the power of friendship, villain!” Diana screamed as she descended toward her target elbow first. “This is the elbow that shattered the world and smashed the seas, this is the elbow that brings all evildoers to justice! It is the elbow of...”

“She must be using some kind of Noble Phantasm to do that,” Fujimaru murmured. “Because she should have hit Altera by now.”

“It’s built into the technique,” Averia explained. “She can actually ramp up its power without using more energy by ranting more about how awesome it is before it connects.”

“This is the People’s Elbow, the Elbow of Justice... the Exceedingly Excellent Elbow of Existence Erasure Version 7.9™!” Diana roared as her elbow finally - finally - connected with Altera. A blinding flash of light followed, and when it cleared, there was nothing left of Altera. Slowly, Diana lowered her elbow and struck a victory pose. “Once again, the elbow goes undefeated...” She stared off into the distance. “And once again, the power of friendship triumphs.”

X    X     X

Author’s Notes

As strange as it might seem, Averia and Diana actually work extremely well together. In particular, Averia has a Noble Phantasm called Time Out that stops its target from using skills, abilities, and Noble Phantasms. It is massively expensive to use, and she can't do anything else while using it. However, with Diana around to elbow/drop kick/gut punch whoever she is targeting, that’s not a problem.

If you’re wondering why Diana drop kicked the dragon in the previous singularity, it’s because it tried to eat her. Incidentally, whenever Averia is around, Diana insists on getting a piggyback because she is once again smaller than Averia.

If you’re interested in my thoughts on writing and other topics, you can find those here.

I also write original fiction, which you can find on Amazon here. I’ve recently released two stories, Attempted Adventuring and Surviving Quarantine, as well as two audiobooks, Two Necromancers, a Bureaucrat, and an Army of Golems and Two Necromancers, a Dragon, and a Vampire. If you like humour, action, and adventure, be sure to check them out.

[kattahj]

More on AO3 allowing the things it does

So, the AO3's Hugo nomination (yay!) has brought on a lot of encouragement and also the by-now usual rants about how it is full of child porn, incest, racism, rape, and so on.

Hence, this post. Which partly repeats what I said in my previous post on the subject but parly says some new stuff. Basically, it contains two lists: why AO3 hosts objectionable fanworks, and the different levels of reactions one might have to objectionable things.

An important caveat is that I don't actually speak for AO3. I've done some volunteering, but only as a translator. I've got zero to do with policy or with the people who determine policy.

Anyway, list number one:

a) AO3 hosts fanworks, and does so with a goal of maximum inclusivity. That means that as long as what you have posted is a fanwork and doesn't break any laws, it stays up. Even if the mods personally find it super gross.

b) Child pornography has an actual legal definition, which depending on country doesn't always mean portrayal of an actual child, but usually doesn't involve written text. Meaning fanfic doesn't qualify.

(In Sweden there was a highly contentious court case where a manga translator was prosecuted for possession of child pornography, and it went all the way to the supreme court. In the end he was acquitted, but with the court noting that drawn art could still theoretically be child pornography in other cases. US laws aren't as strict. But depending on country, fanart could be in trouble.)

c) Which also means that regular libraries and bookstores can have fiction that's just as bad as the worst of AO3. I just checked if Amazon carries "The 120 Days of Sodom". It does. And RottenTomatoes gives the movie adaptation a certified fresh rating. (And now Amazon might give me recommendations based on my search for this book. Please don't, Amazon! I've neither read the book nor read the film, but Swedish author Kalle Lind described his reaction to seeing the film as "for a while I lost all desire to eat, adult cuddle, and live.")

d) Of course, the AO3 tagging system means it's easier to find (and avoid) such things. Which also posits a problem, because when people deride "child porn" on AO3, they generally count anything marked "underage". But underage just means that at least one of the people having sex is under 18. It says nothing about the portrayal, the rating, the intended feelings of the audience, or anything like it. I've used it myself, and the stories in question definitely weren't intended to give sexual arousal. If TV had a similar tagging system, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Fosters, Outlander, and Friends would all have used the "underage" tag.

e) Honestly, if you can't think of any other reason to write a fic with underage sex than to evoke sexual arousal, then you're severely lacking in imagination.

f) And then we get to complaints of racism, rape, incest and so on, which, okay, just go picket the nearest library, TV station or movie theater, because they all have it in spades. The thought of a team of volunteers trying to make a case-by-case decision on the moral justification of FOUR MILLION FANWORKS based on all those criteria is a headache.

g) Come to think of it, one of my favourite films is "The Loved Ones", and no one has ever accused me of wanting to kidnap teenage boys, torture and lobotomize them... I guess violence doesn't count. (Anymore. Remember the good old 80s when D&D could make you a devil worshipper?)

h) But the AO3 does remove non-fanworks and harassment! Yes, but those are easy to spot. You can pretty much give the first page a quick glance and go, "nope, that's not fanfic" or "yup, that's harassment". Figuring out whether or not a fictional portrayal of something glorifies the thing in question requires reading the whole thing, and even then there would be a difference in opinion. There's a reason the manga case made it to the supreme court! Also, harassment is actually illegal, which, as we've established, fic isn't. Now. As for list number 2. Which is, what is your reaction to stuff you find objectionable? Because there are quite a few steps, and it seems to me that several people are skipping a couple.

1. I like it, but I see why others wouldn't.

This thing I personally like may gross out or trigger someone else. I know I have good reasons for liking it, but I should probably still tag it if I can. If I can recognize this in my own fiction, I may be more understanding when it comes to other people.

2. I don't like it, but I understand why someone else might.

This particular story that I find revolting may, for instance, be a way for someone else to work through their own experiences. (This is actually where I land a lot of the time. Ironically, I'm a bit of a lightweight in my fanfic consumtion.)

3. I don't like it, and I don't understand why anyone would, but I trust they have good reasons.

For instance, I'm sure there's a reason so many people write A/B/O fics, I'm not objecting to it, but I don't understand it and I don't particularly want to. (Please don't explain it to me. You do you, I'm just not touching it with a ten foot pole.)

4. I don't like it, I don't think there are any good reasons for liking it, and people shouldn't write it.

This is where we move from a visceral reaction to a moral judgement. It shouldn't be your first step, but it's perfectly fine to have it be a step. If a story or story trope is truly awful and can have no justification, feel free to say so. Don't say it in AO3 comments (which are for the benefit of the author, not the reader), but do say it here on Tumblr, or wherever else you want to that is your space and not the author's space.

5. I don't like it, I don't think there's any good reasons for liking it, and AO3 shouldn't host it.

A lot of people seem to skip the first four steps and land here. Which means no attempts to understand why people write things other find objectionable, and also no attempts to actually criticize the thing itself. But sure, you can use this step too. It's not likely to do you much good, but feel free to rail against the archive's lack of standards. (It has none.) Just try to use at least a few of the earlier steps first.

6. This is not just objectionable, it's illegal.

Contact the Abuse team, and also the police.

So there you have it. For the time being, that’s what I have to say in the matter (and I’m aware it’s a lot).

[never-not-ever]

*updated restrictions for inpatient*

-we can’t have any packages from Amazon or any other online sites delivered here to the unit

-all patients have to wear masks now too

So first off I briefly overheard the charge nurse saying the package thing to another patient but like when were they planning on telling everyone else? Luckily I had just ordered stuff the night before this new rule started so when I get my stuff on Tuesday and Wednesday I’ll be allowed to actually have it. But like this new thing is so fucking stupid. No visitors, no having people drop stuff off and now we can’t order stuff online. So basically if you end being sectioned from a suicide attempt or you bring yourself to the ER not bringing anything with you then you’re screwed!

Ah the mask thing... Do I even want to get into this? It’ll just be a long rant with various swear words thrown in. To make a long story short I was brought a mask and told this and then proceeded to have a meltdown because it’s like the final straw. Wait no. What would be the final straw is having everyone staying in their rooms with meals and meds brought to you. So I guess I shouldn’t complain too much. Luckily I met with my team directly after my meltdown but still processed to freak out in front of them. Like my initial instinct was that I wanted to leave here immediately and not even do residential and just say fuck it all. I also got suicidal which made my doctor concerned but ultimately I said there’s nothing I can do on the unit which is kindaaa not true. I don’t think you would actually die but I do think there’s ways to get creative and attempt something. But that’s far from my mind now cause I’ve actually cooled down a bit and I’m just reminding myself that I’m not alone and it’s not just McLean, cause all Partners hospitals will have patients wearing masks by Monday.

Okay end rant.

[chaoskatya]

unfinished brooke x katya hatefuck fic

hi yall :^) so ive had this sitting in my drafts for a WHILE and ive barely dented the actual planned plot but still i felt like it was kind of a waste of what i did write to not ?? idk do something with it? this was originally written for AQ’s rarepair event but irl stuff got in the way so it never got finished, and i kinda lost the inspo to finish it (for now? idk) so here it is, posted unedited in however it was when i last touched it

brooke x katya hatefuck, (well, planned, i obv hadnt written that far) inspired by pics of trixie and brooke together that one time they were weirdly hanging out a lot irl and that one outfit brooke has that looks like that one outfit katya has the polkadot one u know it

“Ugh, I swear, Vi! She really has something against me! I think she hates me!”

Katya punctuates her sentence with a flail of her arms for emphasis before flopping back onto her bed. Violet just rolls her eyes at her roommate’s dramatics, as per usual. This is the third time they’ve had this conversation this week.

“So she’s a little icy, what of it? It’s not like you’re not used to having a mega bitch around, you live with me,” Violet responds plainly, not even bothering to look up from her laptop, “and I don’t think anybody could hate you, Kat.”

Katya huffs at that. “No, I swear, she hates me.”

Katya Zamolodchikova is absolutely sure of three things in her university life: One, Trixie Mattel is her best friend. Two, nothing gets in between her and Trixie. Three, Brooke Lynn Hytes is absolutely making her best fucking attempt.

Katya and Trixie had met last year, Katya being a sophomore in visual arts and Trixie a freshman in musical theater, when Katya had accidentally crashed Ginger’s (kind of pathetic) attempt at being a tour guide for the freshmen of her course. They’ve only known each other for a year, but ever since then the two quickly became inseparable and a year had felt like a lifetime. All of their friends knew, and Katya held it close to her heart, that nothing could possibly stand in their way. That is, until the beginning of this semester.

Trixie had been elected as class representative at the start of their sophomore year, which did not surprise Katya one bit. But that meant that when Canadian exchange student Brooke Lynn Hytes had arrived for the semester, it was Trixie’s job to show her around and make her feel welcomed. And being that Brooke’s degree in classical dance meant her and Trixie had quite a few overlapping classes, the two hit it off and had gotten closer and closer since. It’s only half way through the semester, yet Katya feels as though she’s slowly becoming more and more of a background character in Trixie’s life. They still text each other when they can, but hangout times have slowly grown increasingly thin and so has Katya’s sanity. Not that it’s Trixie’s fault, of course…

“I can’t explain it. But I promise, it’s almost like she’s purposefully occupying Trixie from me! Every time it looks like we might get a chance to even just talk, she’s there coming round the corner asking Trixie for help in one of their classes or for show recs or whatever. And she always looks me dead in the eye, with her stupid fucking smirk, like she knows what she just did! I can’t explain the feeling I get when I see her!”

Katya’s hit full ranting steam now, half hanging off her bed still flailing as animated as ever.

Violet shuts her laptop and turns to face her. “Mama, sounds like you hate her. Sure it’s not just in your head because you’re jealous the amazon’s occupying your barbie?”

There’s a beat of silence. “Jealous? I guess?” Katya scrunches up her face and sits up. “I mean, how could I not be? With her stupid long legs and her flowing blonde hair, like god, Vi, she’s practically perfect! And have you seen her dance?”

Katya turns to pose her question, but Violet is just staring, giving her a look she can’t decipher. She continues,

“So then, fine, of course I’m jealous, but that’s because Trix is my best friend. I barely see her anymore, and when I do she’s always there and I just get so riled up! And I’m sure Trix has started to notice because god I just can’t stand it when she’s near, it just sets me alight in an awful way. I’ve never felt this way about anybody before!” And it’s true, Katya really does not think of herself as someone capable of fully hating someone else. But by god, is Brooke really testing that.

Violet scoffs, turning away to open her laptop once more. “Look Mary, all I gotta say is that that’s an awful lot of emotion for some best friend jealousy. Also, you have a lecture starting in ten minutes.”

Fuck! Katya checks her watch and immediately jumps up to scramble for her belongings, deeply thankful for her roommate’s type A tendencies yet internally chastising herself for allowing her ranting to consume her time like that. She quickly kisses Violet on the cheek and bids her farewell before putting on her boots and heading out of their dorm room to make her best effort to speed walk to class.

But as luck would have it, not that Katya has a lot of it, she quite literally walks right into the subject of their prior conversation. Well, speak of the devils…

“Oh! Trixie, hi!” Katya laughs, immediately reacting to steady Trixie from where Katya had almost knocked her over with the door. From the way she was standing, she figured she had opened the door just as Trixie was about knock.

“Katya! Thank god, I was worried you wouldn’t be in,” Trixie smiles back brightly, smoothing her fluffy golden hair back into place. (Not that it’s ever really out of place, Katya thinks to herself.) 

Katya smiles at her, a sight for sore eyes she thinks, but when she realizes Brooke is standing at the end of the hall waiting for Trixie, her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Whether Trixie noticed Katya’s tension or not, she didn’t let on. At least Brooke had the decency to wait at a reasonable distance.

“Uh, yeah, I was just heading out though,” Katya replies, trying her best to look sympathetic. She doesn’t mind that she’s running late anymore, just feels bad she even has to go. “But did you need something?”

Trixie looks equally as sympathetic. “Yeah, uh, listen, I’m really sorry. I know we haven’t been able to hang recently and I’m really sorry for that, midterms and all…”

“Hey, it’s alright, I knew you were busy. It’s no problem, really.” That’s a lie.

“But now that it’s over, let’s celebrate! Let me make it up to you? Be my date to the Edwards party tonight?”

Katya’s smile softens. As much as she was planning to trade in the party for a well-deserved movie night in with Violet and Pearl, she finds she really can’t say no to Trixie, especially not when she’s looking at her like an apologetic puppy. Whipped.

“Down for anything with you, Barbie. Meet you at the dorm hall at 8?”

Trixie squeals and picks Katya up by the middle, “AAAAAAAH yes!! See you bitch!!”

Katya squirms violently to be put down but laughs it off anyway. She really can’t be too mad at her best friend.

“Anyway, I gotta run, see you later Trix!” She rushes to hug Trixie quickly once more before escaping as briskly yet casually as she can out the door. This fails her when all semblance of casualty is lost as she passes the point where Brooke is, all tall and blonde and beautiful even just standing around. As she passes, her gaze quite obviously steels ahead to avoid looking Brooke in the eye, but she can’t fail to catch the quite obvious smug smirk the Canadian has posed on her painted lips.

----

Katya managed to make it to class with only 5 minutes late, thankfully just as her professor was entering the other door. She plops down into her usual seat with an audible groan and immediately drops her head in her hands.

Brooke. Stupid fucking Brooke Lynn Hytes. Lately, Katya’s wandering thoughts always go back to her. There hasn’t been a time where her idle time hasn’t been haunted by a certain ballerina chipping away at her precious concentration. She sees perfect long blonde hair, icy blue eyes, and tone legs that go all the way up. 

If she’s being completely honest with herself, she is just a bit jealous of Brooke but not for the reasons Violet insinuates. I mean, sure, she misses Trixie to bits. But that’s only one of the many straws on the camel that is Katya’s completely rational anger. 

It’s not that she’s perfect, either, but that sure adds another straw. Seemingly introverted, but able to capture the hearts of anyone in her path through quick and honest charm. Graceful and poised, where Katya is not, and tall and curvy, where Katya is not. Katya really doesn’t understand how someone can attend 7am dance classes with a flawless mug and still leave rehearsals with not an eyelash out of place, it’s inhuman.

No, it’s that no matter how much others testify on her behalf, Katya does not understand it. She doesn’t know what she did, but she has somehow done something to aggravate Brooke against her, and it bothers her endlessly that she doesn’t even know what she did to incur such spite. Katya doesn’t see any of the charm or kindness that others profess, only smug smirks and cocky passive-aggressive jabs and a seemingly passionate desire to find any way she can to poke Katya’s buttons and prompt some kind of response. She’s lucky Katya has a lot more self control than most, and she’s restrained herself from biting back thus far.

She thinks back to the first time she spotted Brooke, on the first day of the semester when Katya had gotten bored and decided to drop in on Trixie’s representative duties despite explicit instructions not to intrude. She had found her in one of the gardens of the student commons, and instinctively made her way to run up and tackle her before realizing Trixie wasn’t alone and stopping dead in her tracks.

Trixie was sitting next to someone Katya didn’t recognize, which was a surprise in itself because Katya knew next to everybody personally in their modestly sized arts college.  The girl was sitting next to Trixie on a bench, both hands holding one of Trixie’s own as Trixie appeared to animatedly be telling some story. Trixie then finally noticed Katya frozen standing awkwardly at some distance and paused in the middle of her speech to yell at Katya and becon her over. 

“Katya! This is Brooke Lynn, a Canadian exchange student for the semester. Brooke, this is Katya, my best friend!”

Brooke lazily shifted her gaze from Trixie to give Katya the once over, glancing her up and down. Whatever she saw, she suddenly stood up and crowded into Katya’s space, gazing down at her intensely directly from the advantage their clear height difference gave her.

“Well, it’s certainly nice to meet you… Katya.” 

And on her lips, the same painted red smirk. The same stupid smirk that would continuously haunt her until…

“Kat, you with us girl?” Hissed Pearl in her ear, jabbing her hard in the side.

[goldshaken]

*** A WRITER’S NIGHTMARE***

Hi sweets,

If you’re here from wattpad then I guess you know what this post is for. Get ready cos it’ll be one hell of a rant.

Before we start, some things to put out there.

Firstly, the skull picture on this post does not belong to me. Credits go to the original owner, I just edited the words in cos the graphics basically encapsulate what I felt during this crazy period.

Secondly, ‘Shed a Light’ is basically what I’ll be doing here so that’s self-explanatory.

Finally, I will not be using any actual dates in here just in case the user in question has the audacity to use those dates against me.

Let’s get started, shall we?

In early June this year, I was scrolling through my wattpad like I normally do every other day. Reading comments from you guys and seeing what was up.

It was then I noticed that one of my stories, Worlds Apart was missing from my account.

I did the usual troubleshooting, logging out and back in then reinstalling the app, nothing worked.

I then asked you guys if you could see my story to which one of my readers responded that you couldn’t.

I reached out to wattpad on the day itself to get some help but after almost a week of receiving their automatically generated responses, I decided to reupload my story.

After uploading 3 chapters over the span of the next 3 days, I thought everything would be fine. Maybe what happened was just another wattpad glitch.

But wow was I wrong.

I woke up on the fourth day and couldn’t log in to my wattpad. I checked my emails and found that my entire account was CLOSED.

It was closed with 3 copyright strikes.

At this point, I thought there was some misunderstanding and wattpad copyrighted me against my own work. So I wrote back in to them and asked them what was going on.

When they wrote back I had the worst shock of my life.

I clicked on the link they sent me and I was reading my story, that was somehow up on Amazon? Everything was exactly how I wrote it, but the character names were all wrong. I then noticed that the story was posted by someone else entirely and not me.

Basically, this little lady here copied my ENTIRE story, word for word, switched out the characters’ names and published it on Amazon.

My. Blood. Boiled.

I then called this girl out on my backup wattpad account, @GoldShaken00 and my sister even reached out to her to confront her.

Did she think she could copy someone else’s hard work, change out some names and publish it without getting caught?

Furious and confused, I wrote back in to wattpad with my proof of ownership and they informed me to wait out the legal portion of restoring my account.

You can go on to my account to see how horribly those “friends” and “followers” of hers attacked me. After I tried to end the keyboard wars and said we’ll let the relevant authorities handle it, this follower of hers kept coming at me.

Plus her friend also said that she helped to write the book and even came up with the names for the characters.

What in the bloody hell.

It was one thing to blindly side someone but lying through her teeth and saying that they drafted the book I wrote??

I was dealing with a bunch of ignorant and audacious liars.

Just recalling all the times of how I stayed up at night to get my inspiration down, writing through my lunch breaks and having everything stolen got me so riled up.

Fast forward to a few days after the keyboard wars, I was down and out, I barely even had any inspiration to continue writing my two other books I was working on. This user even updated her books on wattpad and other platforms, saying I was accusing her.

I couldn’t do anything on my end but wait for my account to be restored.

Then one day, my sister informed me that little miss uploaded a new story on her wattpad profile.

Curious and wary, I decided to just take a look at it. No harm no foul right? She wouldn’t be that dumb to continue copying my work right?

*play dramatic music*

WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL.

She copied my work YET AGAIN and this time, she took it from my other story, The Dark Man.

I recognised my writing immediately even with her really bad attempt to paraphrase stuff and add her own words in.

I reported her on the day itself and within the next few days, after wattpad’s investigation, her account was finally closed. Her username is @lipsa2000 though you won’t be able to find her stuff anymore.

It was a huge relief to me, just for this crazy woman to stop posting my stuff on at least one platform. Preceding this, she took down Worlds Apart from her Inkitt profile, most probably because she knew I would report her wherever she had my book up.

This brings us here, with my account finally being restored and returned back to me. I can see you guys vote and comment again.

I have since reported her on Amazon and her e-book has been taken down. I am still waiting for the paperback version of it to come down. It is insane how someone can come in and claim someone else’s work so freely and think they can get off scot-free.

To that follower who claimed I accused this girl, I did not. I cannot accuse her when she did, in fact, steal my work and lied in my face. In everyone’s faces. And to be honest, up until now, you are clueless in this whole situation and you should not have attacked me further when I tried to end things.

To that friend, you did not draft or come up with any ideas for the book. DON’T LIE. Come up with your own story and stop resorting to such low-down methods. Even if you did not copy my work and are just blindly trying to support your friend, you’re a horrible friend. You’re just helping your friend get away with lying.

To my supporters and third-parties who defended me, thank you so much. I had nothing to my name with an empty backup account but you guys had my back.

I never knew how much I missed seeing notifications from you guys until it was so harshly taken away from me.

I hope this explains the reasons to why I had to take down chapters from my books. I never thought I would have to come to this extent to protect my work.

I want my account on wattpad to be free of such drama and have hence decided to rant it out here.

With this, I just want to thank you guys, my readers for sticking by and for my family and followers who stuck up for me when I was caught in the crossfires of crazy allegations.

To end this off, I just want to thank my readers for the support and I want to put this whole saga behind me. I will not let this stop me from writing. I love reading and writing and no amount of drama is going to stop me from doing that.

I have a lot of work to do to get my inspiration running to complete my two in-progress books and to get the rest of my completed books up for you guys to read.

I wish for all of you to have a nice day and God bless!

Sincerely,

24 July 2019, Wednesday

[just-book-addict-things]

Soul Seeker by Kaylin McFarren: Book Review

Image Source: Google Images 

Today I will be reviewing the book 'Soul Seeker' by Kaylin McFarren which is a horror thriller/ romance/ Fantasy novel and also the first book of the Gehenna series.

I got the chance to read this book as a reviewer for the Online Book Club where I have submitted an official book review for the same and the link is given below, do check it out. But, here I will be providing a very informal review which might turn into a rant because I have many, many complaints against the book. So let us start with the first impressions.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Honestly speaking, the only reason I did read the book was that I was asked to and I probably wouldn't have picked it at a book store on one of my many book-buying expeditions. If I were to give a reason for why I chose this book out of all the other options, it has to be because of the synopsis of the story. The concept, of course, was very unique and that was probably the reason why I got excited to read the book. Also, there is a beautiful poem before the book starts, and I mean come on, no one can resist a book with a poem. Now, I would love to tell you guys the entire story. But since no one likes spoilers, I will be providing a quick summary of the book in the next section.

QUICK SUMMARY

The book is divided into two parts: Part 1 and Part 2. Now, the issue here is that both the parts have completely different contexts, so I think it would be wise if I provide a summary for both of them separately.

The first part of the story describes the sad life of Benjamin Poe, a firefighter living in the small town of Lochton, Illinois. Now, Poe did not really get along with his family, because apparently his son Gabriel was a complete sadist and he had done some pretty terrible stuff that he used to get away with. Poe, of course, did not want his son to be found guilty of anything, but he was still sceptical considering that Gabriel may have been involved in his own sister Riley's death. Poe's wife did not want to believe that her son could do anything like that, so every time he made an attempt to investigate and find out the truth, things just blew up. Talking about blowing up, the actual story starts with a fire in their College Inn. The fire was reported by Gabriel, who then fled from the scene before the authorities even arrived. And when he came home, he started behaving 'differently', if that's the right word. So, Poe became suspicious and he tried to ask him what happened. And, I mean, you can guess how that went, right? But wait, this gets more exciting. There is a Demon on the loose, Hell's best 'Soul Seeker', the reaper of all corrupted soul, Crighton Daemonium (Pretentious much!!). Now, I may not like his name, but I loved his character (only in the first part). Crighton is after Gabriel's soul and he decides, why not have fun while we're working. He starts playing these mind games with Poe, threatening and confusing him, relishing the pain that he is causing. Now, Poe has only one choice, he must fight this demon with all that he has to protect his family. Interesting right? Well, guess what, as soon as this part ends the story just takes a sharp turn to Fifty Shades.

So, I don't even want to talk about the second part, but I guess I will give you all a short and sweet summary. Crighton is now an angst-ridden bad boy who has this innate goodness hidden inside him, which can only be revealed after he finds his true love, who is, *Drum rolls Please* Ariel, the purest angel in all of heaven. She is beautiful and naive and innocent and gullible and blah blah blah blah, just your perfect Damsel-in-Distress. They have this whole forbidden romance trope, and I actually do like forbidden romances, but this one was just annoying. There are a lot of other things happening as well, but they weren't really that important. Anyways, let's move on to the next section.

MY THOUGHTS

So, here we have this amazing plotline, the concept is unique and it is executed to perfection. And suddenly it just turns to a complete mess. In the first part of the story, we have these two beautifully written characters, Poe and Crighton, clashing with each other in a fight where no one knows who is wrong and who is right. And you are rooting for both of them, which just leaves you so devastated because there is no way both of them can win and the thrill, the adrenaline of it all is just such a wonderful experience. Poe's struggle with the guilt and shame that he feels because of the ongoing situation in his family, along with his determination to save them from a vicious demon hellbent on destroying his entire world, is just so interesting. Crighton's character has so much depth, a morally ambiguous demon whose job is to collect the souls of the corrupted and take them to hell. He may be scary and sadistic, but he is not exactly wrong, especially considering that he does save a lot of good people from terrible fates.

And then what? Suddenly Crighton is a Christian Grey/Edward Cullen hybrid (No offence to anyone who likes them). It just doesn't make any sense. How did this morally grey, genius demon turn into the stereotypical Mr. ' I-hate-myself-but-I-love-this-girl-who-will-save-my-soul'? And don't even get me started on Ariel. Now, does it make any sense that this guardian angel, who protects humans from all evil in the world, just decides one day that she is going to give up everything for this abusive, sadistic demon who maybe, kind of likes her, and she's going to just 'Swish and Flick' him into being good? Sure Jan!

You know, the problem here is that people are so into redemption arcs, they just decide to ignore the beauty of a morally grey character. And redemption arcs are nice and all, but they aren't always required. Crighton isn't actually doing anything wrong, so he doesn't really need 'Redemption' per se. He isn't out there killing people without rhyme or reason. The only reason he goes after people is if they are bad, and there are others who have suffered because of them. I mean, does Batman need redemption? No, right! And even if morally grey characters aren't good people, they definitely are great characters. Aren't we all tired of reading the same cliche characters again and again?

Tell me in the comments if you think people need to stop sleeping on morally grey characters. I have added the links to the Amazon website for the book, in case you want to check it out. Please like and follow my blog for more book reviews and recommendations. Currently, I'm reading this amazing book called 'Faye and the Ether' by Nicole Bailey which I will be reviewing for my next week's blog. Till then, Bbye!

[day-poems]

11/14

Postal service rant.

Remember when the

post office prided

itself on reliability?

When our service was

the envy of the world?

Of course that was

before privatization

and, honestly, before

we had all these digital

tools to track our mail.

Use to be if a package

was a day late, you would

never know, and just be

happy to get it when it

came. Now days, with

the “Informed Delivery”

app, or the website,

you can track your

mail across the continent,

and know exactly the

moment it gets put on

the truck for delivery.

No hiding the little

hiccups these days.

It the carrier runs out

of daylight and the

allotted hours of the

shift, and heads back

to the office with undelivered

mail, you know. Of course

they never admit it. The

App always tells you

“delivery attempted” or

“mail held at PO by user

request”...neither of

which are true. It would

not look good to say

“sorry we just did not

get to it today.” I know

things are tough right

now with Covid and

limited staff and all,

(not to mention the

current profit at any cost,

anti-customer political

climate), but still the

beginning of fixing a

problem is admitting that

you have one, and one

suspects that a day of

reckoning is coming for

the Postal Service. Maybe

the government will take

it over. Stranger things

have already happened.

And it could, of course,

be worse. I could be

one of those attempting

to keep up with a mountain

of mail and Amazon boxes,

or, worse, one of those

manning the counter and

dealing with impatient

customers like me.

Makes me shudder to

think of it. I guess I really

need to find my patience

and compassion and

apply it to the Post Office.

Stranger things have

already happened.

[reactingtosomething]

Reacting to The Old Guard

She Is Not In Any Way Playing

The Setup: It’s our first Reaction to a comic book! And it’s not from the Big Two! Written by Greg Rucka (Wonder Woman, Gotham Central, Black Magick) and drawn by Leandro Fernandez (Punisher MAX, The Incredible Hulk, Deadpool & Cable) -- a duo who previously collaborated on Wolverine and Queen & Country -- The Old Guard is about (mostly) immortal warriors who can trace their lives back through Napoleon’s attempted invasion of Russia, the Crusades, and the conquests of Alexander the Great. They’re led by Andromache of Scythia, but you can call her Andy.

Andy’s fought and fucked, loved and loathed her way across thousands of years and at least six continents, and she is tired. So when a seemingly routine rescue mission goes way off the rails, and just a few hours later her team learns that -- contrary to what they’ve believed for a century or two -- they’re not the last immortals left after all, Andy has to find out if she can still surprise a world that she didn’t realize could still surprise her.

Kris, who briefly studied ancient military history in college, really liked Rucka’s Batwoman: Elegy and his webcomic Lady Sabre & The Pirates of the Ineffable Aether, so when he learned about The Old Guard he asked Marchae -- a BIG fan of Rucka’s Lazarus -- if she’d want to react to it.

Two spoiler notices below, but until the jump it’s just first-issue stuff.

KRIS: So we’ve both read some Greg Rucka before

I don’t think I’m an expert, but I’m fairly aware of at least the range of his work

MARCHAE: I am a HUGE fan of at least one of his comics!!!

KRIS: And he seems to be One of the Good Ones re: male feminist writers

MARCHAE: YES I absolutely agree and spent even more time thinking about that as I read The Old Guard

and this notion that I have about “super heros”

but also I like some of the things he examines in his works, at least what I’ve read

KRIS: Oh good I think we’ve all wanted to hear more from you about your theory of superheroes, so definitely feel free to get into that when it’s relevant

MARCHAE: LOL

I definitely will talk more that’s for sure - and especially since I’m reading Jessica Jones at the moment

KRIS: Also I really like how distinctive most of the faces in this are, just wanted to say that upfront although I am not super qualified to discuss the art

MARCHAE: So I’ve spent some time making connections between what I’m currently reading , a traditional comic, versus the indie books

Neither am I - but the art is gorgeous

KRIS: OH and for our readers who may not be super into comics (yet), maybe we should say how we’re reading

I’m using the Comixology reader on their website, in Guided View mode

MARCHAE: And I use an app from my public library called Hoopla

I also use  a guided view mode - however I definitely prefer hardcopies

KRIS: I like Guided View a lot, although occasionally you lose some of the impact of splash pages, and there are very rarely (but especially with older comics) sequencing errors

ANYWAY sorry tangent

MARCHAE: I am reading newer ones mostly, it definitely feels more cinematic to me reading it electronically.

I like it a lot especially for fast paced ones like The Old Guard

like an action film

KRIS: But I wanted to just get it out there that there are good accessible digital ways to read comics, which is often more affordable, and also for some reason Amazon is selling a bunch of Marvel comics at massive discounts

Yes! Thank you for getting us back on track -- the action layouts here are great

MARCHAE: Affordable and FREE!

and you’re welcome!

I am a newbie to comics- I’ve only been reading them for a year maybe less - and I am obsessed with how much I can relate to them from a screenwriting perspective in terms of sequencing and layout. In this weird abstract way. This was one of the best one’s I’ve read in a while in terms of the pacing with layout - and I love it. I actually started re-reading the book just to gawk at the art etc

KRIS: Oh you should check out Rucka’s web comic Lady Sabre and the Pirates of the Ineffable Aether [see above] -- it was like the equivalent of a page or so twice a week, and Rucka’s script for each entry was included

MARCHAE: **GASPS**

KRIS: I always mean to really break down and study a comic book or two but just like with studying TV, I end up being too lazy, and just hoping I’ll absorb lessons through sheer osmosis

MARCHAE: LOL -

I have studied the dialogue

I think more closely than anything

although I really need to study their structure

KRIS: That’s interesting

I would not guess that most comics writers do dialogue as well as Rucka

MARCHAE: It’s something about these short bursts of dialogue that kind of flow with the quick images we get that makes sense to me… I’ve read a couple that I really prefer

KRIS: I’m interested in how comics people obviously think in “shots”

MARCHAE: Revival is good and so is Alex and Ada … it shouldn’t come as a surprise that they are super character driven

KRIS: and I think a lot of screenwriters don’t

MARCHAE: YEAH

KRIS: or aren’t necessarily really well trained to

MARCHAE: It is fascinating when you think about because there are SO MANY correlations between the two

because as screenwriters and movie makers we end up having to think like comic writers when we get to the storyboarding portion of the work

which i guess is more of a production function

but

KRIS: Right, it should be super obvious, and we do get TOLD to think in shots but there’s still such a division (at least in our film school experience) between learning to write and learning to tell stories visually

MARCHAE: I feel like with comics the action - even  in some of the not as good ones I’ve read is all about taking you to that next shot

EXACTLY!!!

KRIS: Honestly this is one of my very favorite parts in the whole book, just as a visual storytelling beat:

MARCHAE: I was grateful that I had the experience of reading comics at least near the end of my time in school… i did take a lot of lessons from the comics

OHHH

tell me why

KRIS: I think a lot of the impact for me was in the guided view

The panel before this is Booker trying to talk Andy into the mission: “He says there are kids involved, Andy. Kids.”

Then in GV you get everyone looking at Booker, and you can linger on that panel

MARCHAE: The guided view makes a tremendous difference!

it feels like a moving image

KRIS: Then the next panel makes you sort of realize that it’s not really “everyone” looking at one person, but Joe and Nico looking back and forth between the new guy and the boss

although I guess you don’t get the “new guy” information until later

MARCHAE: Exactly

KRIS: Yes! The movement is there, and can have this weird interaction with how long you can linger in a single shot

But I guess what I like about this page is how the visuals help establish the relationships even without Andy’s exposition

MARCHAE: And i feel like you should be able to tell the story without the words

some of my favorites were the panels without words period

I especially love the first few pages

KRIS: Yeah, and in a nutshell that’s what comics writers are trained to do and what a lot of screenwriters (including me!) are often too precious about their own dialogue to internalize

MARCHAE: its just a few bits of inner dialogue

(side note your dialogue is beautiful!!!)

KRIS: Yeah but I didn’t become a playwright

MARCHAE: YESSSSSS

KRIS: ^That spread is so amazing and efficient

MARCHAE: YESSS  and YESSS

those were my favorites

oh my word and its just pretty

KRIS: It’s not even a really dense two-page spread by any means and there are only like 30 words on it

But it tells us so much about Andy

MARCHAE: I’m looking at it now on my device and its in guided view - so it shows up as each individual panel

YES!

KRIS: Right

MARCHAE: and I’m hooked from the beginning and that’s what I think makes this story effective and invests you in it

Rucka does this with my favorite comic - Lazarus

also

KRIS: She’s a warrior, she’s been around forever, she’s bi, she’s tired, she doesn’t have a lot of meaningful human connection in her life

MARCHAE: And we get that quickly

and efficiently

KRIS: and obviously the sense of repetition

in her day-to-day (century-to-century)

MARCHAE: thats been going on for centuries

[SPOILERS throughout below]

KRIS: Oh sorry did you want to say more about Lazarus

MARCHAE: It’s okay -

I was just going to say that there are some definite similarties between the two books

Specifically just the idea of strong female protagonists who are capable and leaders

and also the notion of these women dodging death

All. the. time!

I thought it was interesting to have read and to be a HUGE fan of both books now

and think critically about what he means to demonstrate and also why i consider the woman he portrays more heroic than other “heroes”

that was a long rant LOL

sorry

KRIS: And there’s a quietly great line in chapter 2 about how everyone just defaulted to Andy being the leader because she was the oldest, so it was obvious

MARCHAE: Yes I remember that

KRIS: And I haven’t really thought about this, but it’s interesting and I’m assuming very deliberate that the oldest and the youngest leads are the women

But so matter-of-factly

MARCHAE: Yes - I did note that and remember being worried for Andy and what it meant later on in the series

and also the conflicts that we could expect to see in the future books

I think it’s smart  honestly and kind of this mentorship that also gets to happen between the two women

we know that historically women have a difficult time finding mentors so I guess it is great to see it demonstrated in this medium

I think we’ll eventually see some bickering between the two , but ultimately a respect which is also not often depicted in other medium as much as I feel like it should be

KRIS: I’ll save it for a little later but I did screenshot that great (affectionate) bickering toward the end

MARCHAE: YES!

KRIS: We often write these in a way that sort of assumes the reader knows at least generally what we’re talking about but maybe we should try explaining a little about at least the main character relationships here

MARCHAE: That’s true - especially considering this is our first time reacting to a comic book

KRIS: Oh my god wait I just want to show this page transition I didn’t pick up on in Guided View

MARCHAE: I was trying to find a good article that listed the main concept with characters (mostly because I need to know how to spell andy’s real name)

KRIS: The color palette!

MARCHAE: It’s beautiful I liked these panels

KRIS: They only say Andy’s whole name twice but it’s not the same both times!

MARCHAE: I have this weird way that I read them… 1. for story. 2. art with story 3. only with art

KRIS: Oh interesting

MARCHAE: even the layout is nice

KRIS: I’m not much of a re-reader (or re-watcher) but I should be

MARCHAE: I don’t generally - but because I am so used to reading “regular books” I have to almost get the story then go back so I can appreciate the art with the story

then just the art cause #pretty

KRIS: Oh man I sidetracked us again

OK so

Andy!

MARCHAE: its okay really theres is a lot here to talk about actually!!!

Yes, Andy short for Andromeda?

I think

KRIS: I THINK Andromache is what her name is supposed to be, since that’s what the Comixology store “logline” uses

MARCHAE: YES

KRIS: and that’s what Booker calls her

MARCHAE: I was all off LOL

KRIS: but when she tells Nile an issue or two earlier, she says Andronika

which I’m assuming is just a continuity mistake on someone’s part

MARCHAE: I am now curious if it changes with the time

KRIS: and maybe a reprint will correct it

MARCHAE: like each century she modifies it?

yes but she’s centuries old

and most important

KRIS: But I got the sense that we were given everyone’s “true” name at least once

MARCHAE: Immortal - she can’t die - at least she’s not able to right now

KRIS: So “Andy” is her modern day shorthand and maybe in the 1800s it was something else, but Andromache is her birth name

MARCHAE: yeah! that’s my deduction at least

KRIS: So Andromache means “battle of a man”

(I think Andronika would mean something like victory of a man?)

MARCHAE: I love your to the minute, on the spot research!

KRIS: Well Andromache I knew because I briefly studied Greek in undergrad and have always been a little bit of an Ancient Greek Stuff nerd

What I’m not sure of is in what sense “battle” is being used

MARCHAE: are the names from the same era?

I guess it could be two fold

KRIS: Like, is it a battle as in an event, or is it in the sense of “she’s got fight like a man”

MARCHAE: Oh i was going in a different direction!!!

wow

yours is probably more appropriate LOL

KRIS: Andromache is at least as old as the Odyssey

MARCHAE: I was thinking more of “battle of a man” - as in battle against one’s self

KRIS: Oh interesting

MARCHAE: like man against man conflict which i suppose is fitting considering that she’s somewhat immortal

KRIS: oh I meant the Iliad -- Andromache is the wife of Hektor

MARCHAE: OH YEAH

Also thinking of “battle of a man” to mean battle of time and life

we always want to live longer, better, never die

KRIS: I don’t know much at all about Arabic so I don’t know how old Joe’s real name is, etymologically speaking

MARCHAE: and here Andy is wanting to be done

I loved that scene where introducing himself

KRIS: Yeah, that’s pretty classic

MARCHAE: and we get to Joe!

So I am checking an article and [the Newsarama interviewer] says Andy’s real name is Andronika

https://www.newsarama.com/33272-rucka-joins-the-old-guard-with-queen-country-artist-fernandez.html

(also side note I feel redeemed and a bit smart that he mentions some of the themes I pointed out and made similar comparisons! )

KRIS: OK skimming now

“John Wick meets Highlander”

That’s pretty great

MARCHAE: Truth!!

KRIS: Oh Black Magick I should link to that [see above]

MARCHAE: I haven’t read that one

KRIS: Anyway where were we?

MARCHAE: Ok we have digressed again! I guess a brief synopsis of the main characters

KRIS: Right right

So we have this 4-person mercenary team

MARCHAE: Right and they’ve been connected FOREVER it seems like

KRIS: Led by [Andronika/Andromache?] Andy, who is literally biblically old

MARCHAE: Well it doesn’t seem like - they have been together for ever

KRIS: Then Nico and Joe (Nicolo and Yusuf) who met during the First Crusade, so 1090s

And presumably they linked up with Andy sometime between the Crusades and the Napoleonic Wars, when we get Booker

MARCHAE: There is a lot of history here

KRIS: And there’s this stuff about how when a new immortal dies for the first time, other immortals (maybe within a certain range?) start having dreams about them

MARCHAE: and that’s how they are introduced or at least made aware that they will be meeting someone new? did I read that correctly

KRIS: Yeah

MARCHAE: HA - I misread your text LOL

I literally rephrased what you said LOL

KRIS: Andy had to figure it out the first time it happened, like the dream doesn’t spell anything out for them

MARCHAE: They are often killed or incredibly injured during their battles and they heal themselves which is how they discover ultimately that they are immortal

for a spell at least

KRIS: Oh there are some GREAT “match cuts” in this

There’s a really good one in the Nico/Joe origin story

MARCHAE: OH YEAHHHHHH

KRIS: 

But that whole sequence is great

MARCHAE: I loved the twist there

KRIS: So yeah sorry for our readers my mental leap isn’t obvious, but this is preceded by a couple pages of Joe and Nico during the Crusades repeatedly killing each other

MARCHAE: I sent over a few screen shots hopefully they will come through…

The book definitely has a distinct aesthetic that’s for sure

KRIS: It’s mostly serious but lightly comic, like they just don’t question it, like okay yeah I guess I’ll just kill you again

Oh getting your screenshots now

Yes the faces (again)! You can see the modern Nico and Joe even under all the facial hair

MARCHAE: you mentioned my idea of hero

KRIS: Yes

MARCHAE: and your point “it’s mostly serious but lightly comic”

that’s the thing… saving lives/the world is a serious thing

these people have real problems that are connected usually to slightly dystopia ideas of our current world

I feel like with more mainstream comics we are in some alternate reality all together and the people are trying to be funny and trying to save the world and trying to be cool…

I feel like in Rucka’s books (and also a few other’s I read) it’s rooted in something that i can grasp and their problems are real

so in this text it’s when does my suffering end

in a book like lazarus it’s why won’t my family love me

and it’s not in this over the top let me fly all over the place and shoot missiles out of my hands kind of way

it’s serious

it’s business

KRIS: But I think tonal variation is a good thing

for the genre and the industry

Like a lot of the recent DC movies are SUPER SERIOUS on a surface level, but they’re not necessarily handling ideas in an intellectually rigorous way

MARCHAE: I absolutely agree I guess in a world I could see myself being saved by someone who is more similar to Andy than say Captain America

I think that’s the thing I like is that it is this exploration of more complex ideas in these types of comics and I feel more connected to the work

it’s more accessible

KRIS: And even though the Marvel movies are lighter, and not SUPER thematically driven, they’re relatively smart about the thematics they do include

See I think most people would say Marvel’s tone is more accessible

But I think you might mean accessible in a different way

MARCHAE: LOL hence the mega fafillion dollar industry

KRIS: Like you’re looking for something concrete to latch onto

MARCHAE: I think I agree with you there - I want a take-away

KRIS: And I think the Iron Man tone is more “here is a world that speaks the language you speak with your friends” in a generalized sense

MARCHAE: I can give you that…

the more mainstream comics make the business of saving the world seem less serious

I also am a lover of drama and heavy topics so I think there is also the attraction - these people don’t always feel like they have be “on” to me

they are trying to make it

and that I can relate to!

KRIS: I think that’s because “saving the world” isn’t REALLY what they’re about, though, to the extent that they’re about something

I think at some point, maybe with all four of us, I do want to talk more about the difficulty you have with comedy

MARCHAE: It’s like an intervention LOL

KRIS: No! Well maybe a little. But it’s so ingrained for you that I think I also just want to understand

Maybe when we eventually return to Sweet/Vicious, which I still really want to do

MARCHAE: comedy is truly a challenge for me with the exception of a few - but even those make a larger statement in my opinion!

we do need to finish S/V

KRIS: I’d also like to see you and Keely talk about comedy

ANYWAY

We should talk about Nile

MARCHAE: that might be fun - Keely and I have talked about why I like her brand of comedy best…

OK NILE

KRIS: So Nile is an American Marine

in a Female Engagement Team in Afghanistan

MARCHAE: I absolutely adore her

she’s the “youngest” immortal

KRIS: So at first I didn’t realize she didn’t know she was immortal

For some reason I assumed she had abandoned the team at some point

MARCHAE: OHHHH

KRIS: But then she becomes our (great) audience surrogate

MARCHAE: Which is why I like her - she’s new- but it’s clear she’s competent

and is legit just trying to understand “what the heck is going on here”

KRIS: Yeah, and she gets to push back a lot when Andy is like “don’t worry about it”

But never in a way that sells out either of their characters

I feel like so often the “new one” is obnoxious

or the “old one” is a tired “Asshole with a Heart of Gold” trope

MARCHAE: Agreed! it is very organic and you can believe in them… but also it establishes what the relationship can be

I also think that because we know that eventually these people run out of “changes” to live - I almost felt like we are operating on a clock

ticking clock*

it ramped up the tension for me when reading  - my mind was legit going a mile a min.

KRIS: And it’s this female friendship that never really leans on “the women! they are alike and get along because they are women!” but also doesn’t completely pretend gender doesn’t matter

Oh man that freaked me out when Andy shot herself to convince Nile

I was like “WHAT IF THIS IS THE ONE, ANDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING”

MARCHAE: YESSS

Because she doesn’t know when the one will be

that’s what makes me nervous about this entire series …

KRIS: The moment when they find Booker [temporarily] dead was amazing to me

MARCHAE: like antsy and I like the characters so it’s worse LOL

KRIS: Andy’s narration is like “he’s the youngest, if he’s really dead it would be so unfair”

And we’re trained to THINK that means “unfair because he was so young”

But then there’s the reversal of “unfair to ME (Andy)”

MARCHAE: Right! But he isn’t young at all - none of them are except for Nile

it kind of plays with your mind when you put into context that one of them is 5000 years old? did I read that or am I making that up - either way it’s insane

But there is also this entertainment of how in real life we all want to live forever, Andy is ready to kick the can

KRIS: Yeah in the last issue Andy says she’s over 6000

so the others are ALL babies compared to her

MARCHAE: yet they don’t ACTUALLY live forever at all

geesh i was off by 1000 years

good googley-moogley

KRIS: haha

So we get what becomes, by a little bit, our central relationship between the oldest woman in the world and the youngest woman on the team

MARCHAE: I love that! LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!

KRIS: although the book really does manage to make all the relationships pretty robust

Nico and Joe are our romance, and where a lot of our humor comes from

MARCHAE: The majority of it actually… and they are some deep relationships

KRIS: Andy and Booker obviously have a lot going on because of her dependence on his tech savvy and then The Twist

MARCHAE: (but this isn’t unusual for Rucka which is why I’m #obsessed and why he was my entrance into comics)

KRIS: I loved how the running joke of Andy’s inability to learn new tech ends up becoming a totally serious, really important story detail

MARCHAE: It actually does and it runs through the entire story

it’s smart and well thought out and incredibly problematic in our current world

KRIS: Only tangentially related but I really like how well the body language is rendered in this panel:

MARCHAE: and intentional on the writers part and what I’d imagine- if I were a 6000 years old hero - a real real problem

KRIS: Here’s a better one for the “joke” aspect

MARCHAE: LOL

KRIS: If you had that panel out of context it would be totally relatable for a lot of people

MARCHAE: she is so clueless - and it’s funny

KRIS: Although maybe with relatives who don’t look as young as Andy does

MARCHAE: Oh god I know all too well!!!

It’s also funny because she’s so on top of it in every other area of the job

I want more of her backstory too - I am so curious - I’ve already downloaded the other book

KRIS: which other book?

I love her

MARCHAE: I misread - I just looked and it doesn’t exist LOL

😟 sad face

I was curious about what your thought were about the exploration of being immortal

or mostly immortal

KRIS: I mean personally I still find the idea of death terrifying, maybe because I’ve never really dealt with it yet

So I’m kind of in the “yes we should try to become immortal” camp most days

And I tend to feel that the idea that immortality would ultimately be boring or soul-crushing is kind of a self-serving one, to make us feel better about mortality

BUT

I think this is a really good exploration of it

MARCHAE: interesting!

KRIS: The speech Booker gives to Nile about why she shouldn’t contact her family is really really good

MARCHAE: and kind of sad I loved it (not because it was sad, but because it was good)

KRIS: And Andy’s ultimate epiphany -- she doesn’t want to die, she wants something to live for again -- is really simple in the best way

And it’s also really sad, and I think mostly unremarked upon, that it takes Booker betraying the team for Andy to realize that the team is what she has to live for

MARCHAE: yeah…. she’s incredibly melancholy to me and I like that she’s wanting to push again

they are her family

KRIS: And it’s great that part of how Nile pushes the change in Andy’s mindset is very specifically “millennial” -- she’s always hustled, she’s worked a bunch of jobs briefly and picked up a bunch of random skills

in a way that’s convenient to the plot but doesn’t feel TOO Convenient

MARCHAE: Exactly - I could believe and buy into each and every single character

KRIS: Everything about Nile is like, That’s So Real

MARCHAE: I wanted to be on the team by the end of it

even the emotions that Andy experiences

there is a lot of hurt …maybe that imitates from the page

A lot of it is in her inner dialogue, the panel placement and the colors

but you feel for her

and you want her to win and win hard

KRIS: So hard

It was amazing to me that they actually fit a Booker redemption arc into this

and it works because of Andy’s feelings

MARCHAE: they do! A lot rides on the protagonist here - And what I think is amazing is that she carries so much of the tone for what we experience over the story - because of her we are able to buy the rest of them

I think if we had been led by anyone else it might not have been as effective

KRIS: It’s very successful at being clearly led by one character but still having a really strong “ensemble” feel

And that first issue and a half have to do so much heavy lifting to establish the team relationships so we buy the motivations when they spend most of the rest of the story separated

MARCHAE: It really is amazing from a storytelling standpoint

I could see the movie adaptation as I was reading it

Its so well crafted

KRIS: I think this arc could actually work as a feature

MARCHAE: (have you read lazarus?)

KRIS: and not lose much detail

Not yet

MARCHAE: (KRIS!!!!!! THAT IS A FEATURE WAITING TO BE MADE)

(BUT KRIS READ IT STAT!!!)

And it would be beautiful to shoot those period scenes

KRIS: It would

(I just love the face drawing so much in this book)

MARCHAE: they are much more expressive than others  - I feel like other books Ive read are more sketch like

?

KRIS: This sequence was VERY cinematic too

Not in a spectacle way but just in a general visual storytelling way

with the elevator door

I feel like a lot of superhero books don’t bother making faces distinctive

MARCHAE: That bugs me too - I think it’s why i started reading them three times

KRIS: It can get especially ridiculous when people don’t bother drawing Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne differently from each other

The one issue I can think of in The Old Guard is that in the first issue, it wasn’t super clear to me that Joe was a man of color

And I feel like Andy’s skin tone was also a little variable, but it’s more or less obvious that she’s supposed to be from Somewhere In the Mediterranean

MARCHAE: I  didn’t entirely register that either until he said his name

I can agree with that too

I also get the impression that Nile is also likely a POC as well

KRIS: Nile for sure read to me as a black (or possibly multiracial) woman, I guess the color was just off in the first chapter

MARCHAE: it was refreshing to see a more diverse group of characters that’s for sure

KRIS: Oh shit my mistake I guess the Scythians (Andy) are of Iranian/Central Asian descent

Yes! Which was why I was so glad Joe turned out not to be white -- at first I was like “hmmm this is an oddly white book for someone as woke as Greg Rucka”

MARCHAE: OH NO WAY!! (Re Andy)

KRIS: I really should have known that from like freshman year classics courses

MARCHAE: You are much more well versed than I am in historical references  and I definitely don’t have a tremendous breath of the classics

KRIS: I guess we should talk about the action

It’s almost funny that we haven’t, much

This is very much an action story

MARCHAE: There is so much action that’s for certain and I LOVE IT

KRIS: And all of the set pieces are distinct

MARCHAE: I love seeing it on the page, the pacing of it, how the panels are set up and YES the set pieces!!!!

KRIS: Which is definitely something superhero comics struggle with

Guided View is GREAT for these layouts

MARCHAE: It works beautifully and makes the work fly

KRIS: There have to be some good interviews out there with comic artists about how that’s influenced their approach in the last several years

MARCHAE: like the action legitimately in this comic soared off the page in my opinion I wanted to be in it

that’s really interesting I’ll have to take a gander

KRIS: I do have to say, I wished Andy’s axe had come back

MARCHAE: YES! She’s fierce!

theres a cover where she’s flailing that axe

She’s powerful

the look on her face

even and her posture

I LOVE THIS IMAGE

KRIS: For our readers, that variant cover is by Nicola Scott, Greg Rucka’s collaborator on Wonder Woman: Year One

Yeah even though I’ll tag this as a spoiler post I won’t include the axe sequence, everyone should have to go read the book to see it

It’s short but awesome

MARCHAE: Its so unapologetic and that makes me happy as a woman!

(re the axe photo)

but to talk about action

I really liked this and how it looked!

KRIS: so good

The other standout for me was the Crusade battle -- the use of silhouettes in the night scene

MARCHAE: it reminded me of the old school batman TV show but also has this frantic feel to it like if you are in the room - the images move almost

KRIS: And the use of the BANGs in the background instead of within most of the panels is really interesting

MARCHAE: OHHHHH that’s a great one too

KRIS: literal background noise

MARCHAE: it reminds me of sound

AHHHH YESSSS!!!!

visual cacaphony

which i suppose is a bizarre pairing of words but the best i could come up with

KRIS: It conveys the chaos but also leaves the actual action layouts clear

MARCHAE: nothing is left to confuse the reader - which when I was a newer reader of comics was always confusing

KRIS: Oh here’s that great banter scene:

MARCHAE: these comics are new user friendly

KRIS: Definitely an advantage of indie books

MARCHAE: I like that one - laughed a few time reading this book like legit noise came out which doesn’t happen terribly often

KRIS: I mean I get it, if you’re writing Big Two characters, you want to reference the stuff you grew up with, it can’t be an easy balance to make it accessible to new readers and rich for longtime readers, but still, you can’t blame people for having trouble getting into most recent Marvel or DC stuff

Yeah I guess a way to describe how humor works best for you is that in a scene like this it’s like, cathartic?

Or it’s a release valve

You like it as punctuation, not as the baseline

MARCHAE: I can read it now but I tried starting with Hellboy and was like ABSOLUTELY NOT!

KRIS: Oh that’s interesting because isn’t Hellboy indie? Was it that you jumped into a late story arc?

MARCHAE: I am not sure… if it is… All i know is that it was a challenged to follow on the page

I think I started at the beginning?

Also YES! in regards to humor!!! It’s kind of like a sigh 😊

KRIS: I only know the movies but I’d believe it’s just a weird-ass book as a first comic

MARCHAE: I do not love humor as a baseline - ever generally

LOLOl

it was not a good first jaunt I didn’t finish it and sold it back and the comic book store owner was like what do you like - we chatted and he handled me Lazarus

and I’ve been hooked on the comics since and they all have the same tone save one that I like called Alex and Ada

We’ve digressed again

KRIS: yep

I’m just grabbing a link for Alex and Ada to put into the post [see above]

MARCHAE: yeah its drastically different in tone from what I generally read - but the characters and story were pretty good!

Also an Image comic if I’m not mistaking

KRIS: Yes

MARCHAE: Yup!

KRIS: (For readers: Image is a publishing house like DC and Marvel, but all of its books are creator-owned and independent of each other, rather than company-owned characters in a shared universe)

MARCHAE: Correct! The ones I’ve read seem incredibly character driven to me and tend to be more focused on themes and ideas

What else are we missing - I feel like we’ve covered so much with this one trade!

?

KRIS: I was just gonna ask you that

We haven’t really talked about the villain but I think that’s okay

Don’t want to spoil everything

We really want you to read it yourselves, everyone!

MARCHAE: I really hope people read this one!

Along with the others we’ve recommended!

KRIS: It’s very accessible if you’re new to comics, the art is clean and you won’t have trouble following it, and Greg Rucka is arguably one of the most acclaimed writers in comics right now so I promise it’s not a risky buy

although MM did you get it from the library, you said?

MARCHAE: I did using the Hoopla App but I will probably eventually buy it for my collection (I do have a comic collection and I keep them in plastic!)

KRIS: Should we talk about the ending? I can add another FOR REAL MAJOR SPOILERS warning around here

[the VERY END is briefly discussed below]

MARCHAE: Can i just say I was absolutely sad when it ended

I was mad indeed

but yes let’s

KRIS: I really liked it

MARCHAE: I think I just wanted the book to keep going LOL

KRIS: Oh for sure

But there’s just a lot of great storytelling in those few pages

Even just that first page in Malta

MARCHAE: And it really is a hero saves the day type deal and shows Nile and Andy working collaboratively

again the art is beautiful (I just sent another image let me know if you get it)

KRIS: Just got it

Yeah it’s such a hero shot

MARCHAE: The entire team really comes together!

KRIS: And the use of light is great

MARCHAE: (sent over another one)

KRIS: Yeah I don’t think I’ll include that in the post for spoilers’ sake but it’s a great page

I think the “zoom out” makes it

MARCHAE: but even the quote at the end is amazing: “ Soldiers live and wonder why”

and it perfectly encapsulates what this story is about thematically

why do they - survivors guilt

the desire to move forward and be better

the desire to end something peacefully and in your own time

KRIS: Glen Cook is a fantasy author you might like -- maybe check out The Black Company

MARCHAE: but you do want this story to keep going and be with these characters for much longer than the trade allows

I WILL!!!

KRIS: Someone’s adapting that series for TV, I forget who but I think for one of the premium cable channels

More great body language:

MARCHAE: http://deadline.com/2017/04/eliza-dushku-star-the-black-company-series-adaptation-david-goyer-im-global-1202076367/

There are so many interpersonal nuances in this book it was fun to look at

KRIS: I like that Nico is very clearly ignoring Joe here -- no word balloons, but it’s obvious that this is heated

and classic Andy not wanting to deal

MARCHAE: he’s turned away from him entirely

KRIS: (I love that I can say “classic Andy” after just five issues)

MARCHAE: LOLOLOL

she’s so unimpressed by the entire situation

probably mentally sighing

KRIS: So what do you think of the punishment?

MARCHAE: its kind of devastating I think for Booker - It also makes me curious about what time feels like for these people

KRIS: Yeah

MARCHAE: What does 100 years feel like when you’ve lived a fafillion years already

KRIS: They have no friends besides each other

You don’t even really get the sense that Booker sleeps around the way Andy does because the team is a liiiiittle bit judgey about it in #1

MARCHAE: LOL they kind of are!

and it would just be complicated - we see that with Andy and her relationship

it reminds me of the first book of a series i like called the discovery of witches

just that idea of engaging in a relationship with someone who is mortal you’re constantly reminded that you are too much - and that the person you are with will never be enough for you because they will perish

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8667848-a-discovery-of-witches

(the text is now being turned into a major television show)

KRIS: I really love that the last two pages have no dialogue

It’s not a long epilogue at all but it also doesn’t feel too abrupt because those last two pages are a really well done kind of fade-out

MARCHAE: it’s incredibly effective - just as much as the opening which had very little dialogue

KRIS: I mean, just to really drive this home for everyone, not that I think anyone missed this, but THE LAST LINE OF THE BOOK IS “you’re alone”

And it’s so simple, it’s not a Dramatic! scene at all, it’s so understated, and that’s why it lands so hard

Andy’s not a Dramatic! person

MARCHAE: and you absolutely know she means it and is not in any way playing with this man

KRIS: ANDY DOES NOT PLAY

MARCHAE: Almost like I’ve worked to hard to get us here  - I’m disappointed and i hate to do this but it has to be done

KRIS: It’s so good

This will probably not be our last comic Reaction. Marchae really hopes you read not just this but other Rucka work. In the meantime, follow us on Twitter!

[volturisecretary]

I'm putting together some headcanons for ways the Volturi might train new (ungifted) Guards... any ideas? (also is it okay for me to use them in my fic, I give credit of course)

Of course, it’s totally fine if you use any of theheadcanons.Although, I’m not too sure if I’m going to give you anything earth-shattering,but I hope it can at least maybe spark some ideas on your end.

I think the only difference between the training of thegifted and ungifted guards is that the gifted guards are taught how to make theirabilities useful in battle. In addition, the gifted guards have to learn the fulllimitations of their gifts, and pretty much what situations they will beboned in. I think I’ve already mentioned it, but my biggest pet peeve or atleast one of the many with the whole Breaking Dawn situation was that the Volturi seemedcompletely inept without their gifts intact. I find it hard to believe theVolturi could rule for as long as they have if that was the case. I’m surethere have been times (perhaps not recently though) where covens have attempted elaborate coups. Although unsuccessful, they must have been times where theyhave had issues with some of their guards’ gifts being negated or at least they weren’t able to be utilized to their full potential. I’m sure it’s heavilycovered up with the death of said coven because they don’twant to advertise the weakness in their own guard. I guess what I’m trying toget at is they should have expected that there was a possibility that Bella’smind would manifest into a powerful shielding ability, negating the giftedguards’ abilities. Although powerful gifts are “rare,” they met Bella and must besomewhat aware of how gifts can manifest in their vampiric incarnation (whetherthrough experience or having Eleazar around for so long). Plus, they knewthey were bringing witnesses with them, so they should have known there was apossibility that other gifted vampires, or at least other vampires, would bepresent. They have come across so many abilities; they must be prepared forthe possibility for certain abilities that could be quite dangerous couldappear at any time…so like…they should be at least a little prepared, right? I just find it hard tobelieve they would be so caught off guard, but maybe my ownover-analyzing/anxious mind is talking for them (or I’m heavily bias, which is quite possible true as well). Volturi is the home for allthe weird gifted vampires; I just find it ridiculous to believe that theywouldn’t be overly prepared for this sort of nonlinear situation. Sorry for the long winded rant; I’m just really passionate with my distaste for Breaking Dawn. 

TL;dr: My point is that I think everyone must gothrough extensive training, with attempts to limit guards from using theirabilities as a crutch. 

I think there is a few different types of training to ensure the guards have keen fighting and survival skills, while also being sure they don’t cause massive damage to towns/forests/etc.

To start off with, I think there is probably some basic training and sparring where vampires are introduced to proper fighting techniques. I think Felix, or whoever is in charge of basic training, takes into account the vampire’s size, prior experiences, strengths/weakness {are they fast, slow, abnormally strong, etc}. There are martial arts/techniques that would be much more beneficial to someone who is smaller {Jiu Jitsu and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu were created so that a smaller, weaker person could defeat themselves against someone like Felix}, while some people may have a natural preference towards certain techniques. It’s neither good or bad which side of the spectrum someone may fall towards; it’s just important to find a style of fighting that is both comfortable and effective. Once they get these “basics” down, they move on to more advanced training, but they are still expected to attend fundamental classes to continue to improve techniques. Although vampires are suppose to grasp things like immediately- or at least Bella was portrayed this way. I think proper fighting style is difficult to grasp because it may take some work to override bad habits due to prior experiences or their more rash predatory instincts/emotions. So, basic training is something that hangs around for a while. Once a the guard has proven that they have a firm grasp on the fundamentals, they are allowed to replace that training slot with “opened mat” sparring. Again though, guards may need to brush up on fundamentals again when new techniques are brought to the Volturi. 

As stated above, every century or so the Volturi bring in a specialized martial artist and they either a- change them or b-aro just searches their thoughts to see if there is anything of interest and relays it to Felix. It really depends on the Volturi’ mood at the time and if said person seems remotely interesting. Option A is a bit of a longer-term investment because newborns are a pain and break things.

@kyilliki and you both brought up interesting points in thiswonderful post about guard hazing that I think are totally relevant to trainingpurposes too. I’m sure there have been times a guard has been literallydisarmed and expected to find a way to at least defend themselves. I think Alec’sability has been used plenty of times as well. Vampires are apparently hard to sneakup on due to their “6th sense,” so Alec’s ability allows him tocompletely catch someone off guard and disorient them. The possibilities areendless too! Maybe, the guard wakes up with only one arm and then mustfight/survive fighting against Felix (for fear of having more limbstorn off). Disclaimer: I think there may be a few guards (like Renata, Jane, and Chelsea) that haven’t had their arm(s) ripped off for reasons that are apparent.

In addition, there are training protocols intact toensure that the guards cause minimal damage when on missions. They don’t wanttheir guards to destroy the Amazon forest, or any ancient artifacts. It wouldalso be bad to leave huge gapping holes that happen to look like someone’s face inthe side of a building. Plus, drawing attention is a big no-no. Of course, the vampires theyare fighting don’t have the same restraints on them, which makes the wholething more difficult. I think there is either a training room or a remote location that the guards are taken to practice these protocols. 

I also have this headcanon that there is currently atransitionary guard that has a weak “white-noise” like gift. This can be utilizedto partially “deafen” the guard which can allow them to work on their reflexes. This could also be useful if you were trying to train someone like Edward to fight against someone without using his gift; I bet Emmett probably wants him to join the Cullens once he finishes his service, so he can finally get that fair wrestling match.  I’m sure they have used a blind fold too in case they come acrossa vampire that has some sort of illusion gift (like Zafrina).

[adapted-batteries]

Season 3 Things

Alrighty...I’ve finished up season 3 today, and well I got some things for sure. I think I spent a lot of time focusing on Ezekiel, since I really wanted to see the evidence of the ptsd we’ve headcannoned he has. Some eps it’s not really apparent, but then there’s those specific moments that I’m like “oh man yup.” As my season 1 and season 2 posts, this will be under a keep reading. Also, if you haven’t seen season 3 for some reason, this definitely contains spoilers.

“And the Rise of Chaos”

I really need to remember to use “broaden your horizons” when people annoy me...most of the time I don’t really voice what I’m thinking though so that’s an issue there. Still a great line.

When the manikins came to life I wrote “It’s night of the museum gone horribly wrong.” I also know that either Dean Devlin or John Kim said it was a throwback to the autons from the first ep of the new series of Doctor Who.

“Your mothers did not hug you enough did they?” Well yeah Jenkins, they all had pretty shitty childhoods one way or another so you need to be nice to them. Be the grandpa they always wanted.

Also if Ezekiel’s been using artifacts to do stuff, how skilled is he in magic? Obviously Cassandra’s got the most out of the LiTs, but apparently he’s taught himself stuff.

Honestly seeing the LiTs get excited about stuff is the best...like I don’t know how Baird told them no about the sub, they were too adorable for me.

When Jenkins said magic was something they shouldn’t use, Flynn didn’t outright agree with him. He implied that was his stance...but we all know he’s been using the diffusing spell every time he introduces himself as a Librarian. Also that marshmallow roasting...love it when the kids have fun with dad.

Eve stopped the boys from rambling on about smuggling in early 19th century America...but like honestly I wanted to hear more...I always loved the National Treasure movies as a kid...I think by way of movies I was prepared as a kid to like the Librarians...I mean Indiana Jones, National Treasure, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Treasure Planet, I’m sure there’s more.

Also when Ezekiel said he needed imaging equipment to see the mechanism...doesn’t the Library have an x-ray machine, or access to one? I mean where do those x-rays in Jenkins’s lab come from?

When Apep turns them against each other...Stone causally throttles Ezekiel...before I was thinking he pushed him against the wall again but I think Ezekiel circles them because they’re in reversed positions when Eve pulls them out.

The singing bit...the singing...I need me the Bibliotechnos...though later Ezekiel’s listing the magical instruments they have and says Pan’s flute...apparently he doesn’t remember that’s what knocked him and the others out in season 2.

When Flynn says “who protects this world?” to Apep, the music is very much like the music in the 11th Doctor’s run, so the appropriate response is The Doctor at this point.

Final bit...Flynn’s wearing a robe and pj’s in the last scene, and it’s late...so unless Flynn is one make commutes in that outfit, which he doesn’t strike me as that person, then he lives in the Library now...which is kind of odd since in the movies, he had an apartment.

“And the Fangs of Death”

Honestly Charlene’s gotta pretty good idea of vacation...certainly wouldn’t mind that...well not the whole Apep abducting bit but still. Also how long as she been doing this? She said she needed to clear her head after losing Judson...but she wasn’t in season 2 either...so was she off gallivanting for over a year? I guess that’s hours to her being an immortal, but still...long time to not do the Library’s accounting.

Ezekiel’s endearing look at his pizza when Flynn says we store emotional energy “in the objects we hold dear.” Also kind of surprised Jenkins was so easy to fool...I feel he’d be better than that.

When they first get in the facility, Ezekiel looked really uneasy...granted the facility looked wrecked like Darpa did, which was no doubt dredging up memories. And then later when Flynn’s yelling at him to get the video back, his voice is very tense and stressed, and he clenches his jaw before running after Flynn to keep him safe. When he got bit, obviously it hurt, but he was yelling a lot, and I don’t think that yelling was specifically pain, I think it was a bit of fear as well.

After that he’s closed off, doesn’t make a big deal about it...which doesn’t make sense if he yelled that much from pain. It does make sense though if he was starting to go back into combat mode...and why he’d think of sacrificing himself to get to the steam valve. Flynn did not have to sniff Ezekiel to prove his point though...like unless he’s got an unusually sensitive nose...there was no reason to do that except for effect.

Jenkins, after barely missing the river, mentions he jumped off the Hindenburg. Somewhere, probably on Ao3, I read a fic that was about that...it was good, if I remembered it more I’d link it.

That Flyzekiel moment before Ezekiel goes into the corridor, Flynn realized just how much he both cared for and admired Ezekiel...I mean doing that on a good hunch, he was risking his life, and Flynn apparently didn’t think Ezekiel was capable of that until then.

Aaand then Ezekiel woofs at Anubis...classic Ezekiel. Though as the virus is really taking hold, I imagine Ezekiel’s really freaking out, losing control, turning into something that either he could hurt is friends, or his friends would have to hurt him. I did notice though, though it may have been to low lighting, that once Anubis got sucked back into wherever he came from, Ezekiel looked less werewolfy...so did the lycanthropy get sucked in too a bit? I mean obviously Ezekiel’s drinking wolfsbane tea afterwards so there was still some there, but he looked a lot better when Jenkins was supporting him.

When Stone through the ball, Ezekiel whined, like a dog...and somehow I didn’t hear that before. Also Stone enjoyed that so much that he tripped on the ladder when he came back in the main area. And Ezekiel never came back in shot...I like to imagine he was busy chewing on the ball...not getting the game of fetch like my dog doesn’t.

“And the Reunion of Evil”

Cassandra says she and Stone are a well-oiled machine...what a contrast to season 1 dynamics.

If Nessie had to go deal with developers, does that mean she can come and go as she pleases?

Every time I watch the scene where Cassandra rants to Meredith about Stone, it feels so satisfying, and then descends into amusement as Meredith starts hitting on Cassandra.

This watch I realized why everyone “ooohs” when Stone says his favorite natural disaster is global warming...they’re all frost giants. Surprised I didn’t get that at first.

Also apparently drunk Stone can only talk about history...figures. Though he sobered up really quick when Cassandra pulled him in that closet.

Eve’s look when she learns Ezekiel’s been tracking the weather...she knows he cares. Also the amount he was sticking on it, even when he was caring for the egg, shows where his focus was the whole time.

When Cassandra and Stone start fighting they both apparently have the poppy neck veins when they get angry. Also I don’t know first hand what a bar during Bedlam is like...but I also know that I’d avoid a bar during Bedlam so I guess that explains itself.

I love the evolution of Ezekiel’s egg carrying, especially the baby strap thing.

When they’re back in the Library Cassandra points out the whole saying “we’re the Librarians” gets them in places...Cassandra realized it was the spell...but later on in “And the Curse of Cindy,” Stone asks Flynn like he doesn’t know...guess he forgot?

I’ve never figured out why it’s such a big egg for such a little creature...that’s not how eggs work...needless to say mom Ezekiel is the best, especially him getting emotional at seeing it for the first time in the tank.

“And the Self-Fufilling Prophecy”

They really enjoyed having wet Ezekiel and Stone this season...especially Stone since he got drenched again in “And the Fatal Separation.”

Gotta love the kids wanting to make sure mom’s okay.

My only comment when the Reaper shows up is “Oh hey, edgy Assassin’s Creed.”

“Coincidence is dating two girls at the same time and finding out they’re sisters” stone boy what’d you get up to in Oklahoma? I remember seeing a post on tumblr pointing out that it was either Stone being stupid or stone attempting to live up to his “jock who gets the chicks” expectations and I lean quite towards the latter.

I know the goggles are on the right way around but I always thought Stone and Ezekiel put them on the wrong way because the plastic bit that goes over the bridge of the nose is really low down. Also Ezekiel’s kissing the coin...and Stone’s “wow.”

“Makes me want to go ‘hmm’” you’re a dork Jenkins.

Technically the prophecy never showed them hurting each other…it just showed them running at each other.

Wait so how did eve know she was the oracle? Eve didn’t know her prophecy...and nothing else made specific sense for her to be the Oracle.

Why does Stone tense his whole body when he says “mate” to Ezekiel?

Jenkins wants to go see Carrot Top...but Ezekiel seems not to want that at all...wonder why.

“And the Tears of a Clown”

Ezekiel got Jenkins a lock picking set for Christmas...that’s so sweet.

I really like the glowy affect the carnival has at first, makes it feel more surreal.

Well...snake charmer Ezekiel...that is quite an enjoyable sight. Also that mustache on Stone, and the wiggle he does...can’t handle that with a straight face.

“There’s nothing that would stop me from coming after you” Jenkins caring is the best

According to the Amazon video trivia, the scepter of Korab is a reference to Star Trek: TOS, specifically the Korab in 2x17 who had a scepter that allowed him to change matter and control people.

Why does Stone feel the need to whack Ezekiel when he gets the idea that it’s the magic wand? Like so much action going on there considering he beat on the table too.

The last time Christian was doing a slow mo cool crew scene at a carnival was in Leverage...the outfit is a lot more hilarious this time. Also, Ezekiel and Stone, causally hiding in small spaces, was a thing this season as well, since they did it again later in “And the Eternal Question” in the bunker/lab thing.

Cassandra didn’t realize Kirby had the hots for Charlotte...and seems to not realize it when it’s happening to her, or does and is super smooth...honestly really makes for an autistic headcannon for her, and honestly I’m on the train that everyone is on the spectrum.

Cassandra’s face when Kirby makes the two guys punch each other is great, so disapproving, and the make up makes it even better. Also after Kirby gets them, when they get to the molten wax vat, they’re in their normal clothes...but unless Kirby let them change, doesn’t make sense. Weird continuity thing.

Stone saying “don’t be wrong” to Kirby is me @ people who say wrong stuff.

“And the Trial of the Triangle”

Love how they had to ninja up and hand cuff Flynn to get him to sit still. That whole scene is pretty interesting, because we get to see both character growth from the LiTs, and character regression with Flynn’s running around. And it’s the little things in the background that show how much the LiTs they bonded...Stone’s elbow bump for encouragement when Ezekiel walks back to the stairs, Ezekiel’s hand pat for Cassandra, and Ezekiel’s and Cassandra’s approving nods at Stone.

Stone having fun figuring out the disappearance pattern is always fun to watch.

The kids don’t like mom and dad arguing...except Ezekiel...he’s literally in awe until Stone smacks him to get going through security.

“I love you more than learning itself” well that’s how we know it’s real. Flynn went around running because he super cares about how Eve looks at him, and yeah she was annoyed with him for sure in season 2, and he really failed at communicating at how that bothered him.

The whole plane lavatory scene...Noah’s acting in this always gets me. You can see when Flynn realizes he’s been away from Eve too long and thus isn’t being the Librarian she knows he can be. He needs her to keep him in check just like the LiTs need her to keep them from arguing all the time.

Also you’d think after the whole Santa affair someone would have learned to fly a plane.

“The whole hillside is not covered in spice” actually flynn says “a veces a la dora de beda no está cubierta de azúcar” which means “Sometimes the donut is not covered with sugar”....so how did they get the line the whole hillside is not covered in spice from what he said???? Azucar hasn’t changed meaning that I know of so it never meant “spice.”

When Flynn used the mirror to see Tibbar backwards...the R and B’s weren’t backwards.

I just noticed Flynn answers the caring friend line and says he’s “terrified of being hurt” then Stone relieves himself as the knight...coincidentally it’s a problem they both had, but Stone’s gotten over that fear since he joined the library, though it took time.

My final comment was “ Heh only took a trip to the Bermuda Triangle to get Flynn to quit being an idiot.”

“And the Curse of Cindy”

Ok the way they show Cindy in the glowing white light and outline always made me think there was some deity doing this or like a low key alien vibe. Also I’m glad Ezekiel’s on the internet because they would have no information on Cindy if it wasn’t for him.

Flynn looked really haggard in the confessional booth, like he’s not had sleep. Apparently he’s still been doing whatever, or not sleeping well, after Eve pointed it out in the intervention.

“He’s always been wily” I love that pun.

“Stay strong,” Stone says...then immediately gets affected by the potion.

Ezekiel’s torn between being super confused and wanting to punch Stone to shut him up. Also Stone saying the bridge the Annex is under is beautiful is hilarious...even drugged he loves architecture.

Ezekiel responds to the question of his immunity with “She’s...not my type.” What does this mean????? The hesitation...that really leans into the “Ezekiel’s not straight” lane.

Also Eve went into Cindy’s room...but didn’t get affected. Theory time.

Jenkins seems serious about Ezekiel being so self-obsessed it negated the potion. Some thought that Ezekiel was immune because he was in love with Stone (thus why he acted weird when Stone confronted him at the end of the ep), but it would make sense because Ezekiel was already obsessed with protecting his family (thanks to ptsd).

Also I don’t agree with Stone’s statement that he and Flynn have egos comparable to Ezekiel’s...especially when Flynn’s got knocked down several pegs in the previous episode, and Stone was never focused on himself completely like Ezekiel had been. However I don’t think it was Ezekiel’s ego either, since I’m on the train that his behavior in season 3 shows he’s really caring for everyone’s safety to the point he risked his life at the super collider, so if Ezekiel being obsessed with something else was the key, it was protecting them. Theory time done for now.

Jenkins totally didn’t question his immunity, but he stuck the stink on him anyway because he could.

Cassandra touched under her nose when she calculated the trajectory of the missile, like she was having a nose bleed...she hasn’t done that all season, this is lead up to her surgery next ep.

I’d love to know what Flynn and Stone said when Jenkins put their gags back on after the failed remedy.

When Ezekiel’s talking to Cindy, we get a lot of his backstory, and see him fumble with complimenting her since he doesn’t do that normally...and that smile he does when he sees his words working on her, it’s priceless.

Something tells me an industrial freezer wouldn’t get that cold to get metal to the brittle point...cool concept anyway

The computer says “whomper” which is a reference to “WOPR” from War Games...I love that movie.

Theory time again...the fact that Ezekiel says that he found the right ones worthy of his love tells me his obsession from wanting them safe is a really plausible candidate on what made him, and Eve, immune. It’s not that Flynn and Stone don’t care for the others, but Flynn is in a vulnerable place from the episode before, and Stone’s had 20+ years of not having mutual care going on for his true self, so he’s still settling into it. Ezekiel’s jumped into it wholeheartedly. Theory time over.

Love how Ezekiel has to like reboot after Cindy kisses him. He was completely caught off-guard. Also when he leaves...he doesn’t kiss her on the mouth, he goes for the forehead...most people go for the mouth...but I guess that could be a preference thing.

The final scene...the first time I saw it, I totally thought for a moment Stone was going to confront him about his suspicions of Ezekiel’s love being for him...but of course that didn’t happen. Ezekiel was going to say something when Stone walked away though, and it wasn’t going to be “no” in a normal denial if Stone had been right (because Ezekiel rarely fesses up to stuff right away) so he was going to say something else. I need to knoooooowwww...

“And the Eternal Question”

“I’m not sick anymore” *bursts into flames* well okay then...if you say so...always cracks me up.

Flynn was in no way subtle about the clue he found.

Ezekiel...boy...don’t eat people’s food...also if they hadn’t ripped off the curtain, I don’t think she would’ve burst into flames since she was only exposed for a bit. And Stone and Ezekiel re-creating the scene...poor Cassandra just sees Stone bent over Ezekiel, patting him, and Ezekiel’s shrieking...

I agree wholeheartedly with the LiTs...the spa is beautiful and I’d never leave either...unless it was humid...that’s a deal breaker for me.

Estrella was not being subtle about using her vampire hearing...but apparently none of them thought that odd. Stone immediately sees what’s going on and starts playing wing man. He does try to point it out to Ezekiel by leaning into him, but Ezekiel doesn’t get his body language. I would’ve loved to see what would’ve happened if we had a few seconds more after Cassandra and Estrella walk off, because I figure we would get Ezekiel either asking what was up and Stone explaining, or Ezekiel realizing it. To be fair, he missed it at the weather lab in season 2 as well.

When Jenkins mentions Simone and Flynn, Cassandra’s like “Oh boy, make that two Librarians who fell for vampires.”

Ezekiel gets manicures...good to know. Also why wouldn’t Ezekiel have a gem loupe...he’s a thief...and they’re are shiny rocks everywhere.

The whole Jazekiel fight scene...the “You got me” “glad you feel that way,” the arm running. And Jenkins saving them, he’s so cool.

Half the montage when Cassandra’s in surgery, Ezekiel and Stone stay together, the last clip they’re hunched towards each other...for comfort???

Stone totally went and told Estrella Cassandra made it because he’s a good wing-man.

My only comment when the Castrella kiss happened was “ Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” so there’s that.

“And the Fatal Separation”

I wonder how sick of bananas Stone got while he was at Shangri-La...or if the banana smoothies were a treat for him finishing his training.

So with Flynn not dying in the end, did his candle get longer again? Or is it just still lit? Also if he was going to die, and his was short, how come Charlene’s were not short? I guess being immortal messes with the candles?

Eve thinks Cassandra’s gift is now what alternate reality Cassandra had.

The zoom on Flynn’s leg scar....who thought that was ok??? It’s so obnoxious...we do cuts for a reason guys...

Land Pirates...yes. According to the Amazon trivia thing, the Trojan horse is in the Iliad first, not Odyssey. I haven’t studied either so I wouldn’t know. Also Stone was having fun memorizing the layout of Shangri-La while he was there for sure to know that secret entrance/exit.

I can’t get over Ezekiel not being able to drink...if you’re jaw is fused shut...your lips still work boy...

Love how Cassandra's just as confused about helping Ezekiel as he is getting her help.

The music went all Doctor Who again in that last fight scene.

Stone freaking out about the tattoo...but like honestly why would he hide it boy, I know it’s instinct for him to hide stuff, but you’d think by now he’d realize he doesn’t have to hide anymore and communication is super important about everything.

Man the Jenkins and Charlene feels. Also I need to know what Charlene said to Eve. If it had something to do with her knowing about Eve being a sleeper agent man that’d be cool.

Stone has a confused scowl when he’s sad...and confused...sometimes it’s hard to tell what he’s feeling because of that.

“And the Wrath of Chaos”

Watching this back again I can see now Eve was planning. She wanted the Librarians free because she knew they’d be able to take care of things.

“They can’t know we’re talking” “I’ve been meeting with DOSA” well so much for that Eve.

Why is Ezekiel so bummed about not getting to see Mount Rushmore??

I know Flynn’s in on this...but he did good acting this time...probably feeding off everyone’s hurt and disappointment. Also that utter look of disappointment on Jenkins’s face as he got stoned...poor boy.

Flynn’s not sad about Eve...he’s said he had to lie to his family...and he’s feeling it hard on top that bookcase.

Ezekiel got really frustrated with the dosa trap on Jenkins’s box thing...a level of frustration we last saw in “And the Point of Salvation” when he angrily beats stuff with the crowbar.

Honestly kind of surprised Jenkins didn’t know the fail safe...seems like something he’d need to know after the first time Charlene had to do it.

Gotta love that Flynn saved his painting...which isn’t magical that I know of.

Charlene said she had the scoop on the other side of the mirror...so she must know Flynn’s not gonna die.

Apep is surprisingly gullible, following artifact crumb trail.

I wonder if Stone had communicated about the magic he got from Shangri-La, if they would’ve connected stuff earlier...because Stone initiates making Apep human by revealing his tattoo when he puts thing together in his head.

So did the ley lines completely go away? I mean it was different than when they just faded back after Prospero.

Finally Jenkins moved stuff to more easier to get places...only took how many invasions of the Library? Also they say they quit using magic...but I mean it comes with the job...sometimes magic is the only solution...so I don’t expect they will be to stringent on that.

Final thing...Flynn has a bubble pipe...of course he has a bubble pipe.

Well, that’s it for now. I can’t wait for season 4 this fall...it’s gonna be super interesting for sure with all the pics and stuff we’ve seen of set so far. As always, feel free to message me about anything I’ve said and related Librarians rambles.

[cookinguptales]

So one thing I get a lot when I’m using my cane is people asking me why I don’t just switch hands when things get awkward for me. (Like if the railing is on the right side or I need to shake hands or something.) I use my right hand to use my cane. I only use my right hand to use my cane.

Wanna know why? Because you have to train your body to use a cane. The muscles on my left side are entirely different from the ones on my right side. Like you can see the difference just by looking at my arms. Right arm has cane muscles, left arm has muscles because I use it for literally everything else. Groceries, books/purse, doors, etc. Believe me, my back/neck/leg muscles are different on each side, too. Years of conditioning have done that.

I started using my cane when I was about 20 years old, so ~7 years ago. I should’ve started long before then, but, well, cure culture. Most of my family and friends were not supportive of me coming to think of myself as disabled rather than, idk, temporarily inconvenienced by an incurable disease. (I have a lot of thoughts on how doctors (at least used to) mislead POTS patients on the likelihood of getting better, but that’s another rant.) So I finally ended up just buying a cane myself along with a manual wheelchair (well, the cane I bought on my own; I worked with my parents to get the wheelchair -- they’re super expensive) and I started the agonizing journey of learning to use them on my own.

‘Coz here’s what they don’t tell you: it hurts. Holy fuck, it hurts. The day after the first time I used a manual wheelchair on my own, I was literally bedridden. My hands were frozen into gnarled claws. Like I literally could not unbend my fingers. It hurt so badly. And the cane training wasn’t quite as bad, but still truly painful. You have to train a lot of muscles that your body just isn’t used to using. It’s not just getting used to balancing a certain way, which is hard enough on its own; it’s specialized conditioning of muscles. Like admittedly I have a lot of chronic pain anyway, but I was shocked by how much it hurt. No one warned me. No one knew, I guess.

So not only did no one warn me about the immense amount of pain involved with this training, no one helped me with it. I don’t just mean, like, fetching me ice and heating pads. I mean, no one taught me how to change a cane’s height or how high it should be relative to your body or how wearing gloves helped when it came to using a wheelchair. I just bought a cane at random; I didn’t know about the different kinds of grips or tips or the best way to replace them. No one even taught me about the different places you can buy canes, I just ended up searching on Amazon.

Like. Think about this for a second. Think about how fucked up this is. My cane is something I use in daily life. Before I started using it, I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything alone because I fell and/or fainted so often. Using a cane gives me the ability to stand up on my own, rest on my own, change positions without fear -- like it’s an utter necessity. And no one even thought to recommend I try one. They recommended pills and other medical attempts at a cure, sure! But no one, not my family, friends, or the legions of doctors, tried to teach me how to live my life to its fullest using assistive devices. I had to do all that research, all that trial and error, on my own. I have the scars to prove it.

Honestly, I think a lot of people with injuries/disabilities could benefit from learning how to use assistive devices. I think we have this ingrained idea that you have to reach a certain level of disability before you’re “disabled enough” to use things like canes or wheelchairs or hearing aids or any other assistive device. I thought that way for a long time, but my life has improved exponentially since I learned to just accept that these devices make things easier, and that’s enough reason right there to start using them. I think we need to remove the stigma behind using assistive devices, we need to make it easier to get them, and goddamn we have to teach people how to use them. I shudder to think about what it was like pre-internet. (And jfc, stop saying things like “wheelchair-bound”, that only adds to the stigma and misinformation surrounding assistive devices.)

Like all we’re doing is making it even harder for people with disabilities -- and believe me, that shit’s hard enough on its own. Societally-speaking, we really seem to have this horrible, detrimental idea that assistive devices should only be used by, idk, the ~worst of the worst~, and when you give in and start using one, you’ve basically “given up”. It’s a terrible way to think about lifesaving, life-changing technology. Would you think about glasses or contact lenses the same way you think about a wheelchair? Of course not. Glasses have become utterly normalized even though they’re assistive devices just like the rest. So hey, let’s normalize the rest of them, too. Make it easier to get and use these things, and maybe change some lives for the better.

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews… I Love Dick (S01E02) The Conceptual Fuck Airdate: May 12, 2017 @amazonvideo Ratings: @amazon streaming only Score: 8.25/10

***********SPOILERS BELOW**********

Just like the first episode of ‘I Love Dick’, the second is over in a flash. It happens so quickly, so ferociously fast, with these seemingly large events that have a heavy significance on these characters, that they are almost too fast to catch. There’s irony in there somewhere because I can see someone easily professing that not much is happening, but in its characterization so much is transpiring I can almost feel my neck break from the whiplash. The episode opens with who I am assuming to be the two head honchos of the Venice Film Festival where Chris’ film had to be pulled because of music rights. They are attempting to watch the film and it looks straight up awful. It’s a lot like the French-Belgian film referenced in this very episode, Chantal Akerman’s 1974 black and white, supposedly charged with raw feminism ‘Je, Tu, Il, Elle’, just without any kind of hypnotic beat, sensuality, or weird lesbian sex scene where two women wrestle around in the bed, looking like an early WWF Women’s Wrestling Match during Post-Attitude Era when women with actual talent and showmanship were actually in the ring. Sorry, I have really weird, repressed, mixed feelings towards that film. Anyway, the two Italian Men toss it because they can’t take it anymore and then we cut back to Marfa, TX. Prepare for lots of cuts, I am very well aware of the presence of editors Julie Cohen & Christal Khatib.

Again there are some really strange, very human moments in this episode. I personally haven’t read the book, but my bestie in Brooklyn raves about it, even calling it her favorite. I keep going back to three big moments in the episode and I’m running them through my mind trying to figure out where these people are coming from. The first is when Chris shows up and interrupts Dick’s seminar, much to the chagrin of Sylvere, who believes that Chris attempting to attend Dick’s seminar is crossing a line in their fantasy that he’s just not comfortable with. Chris could give two shits, obviously this isn’t really a two way street, and shows up anyway… Later lying to Sylvere about being able to get in, claiming that it was full.

She brings a laptop with her terrible film on it and she’s literally a hot mess, once again a possible reference to 'Je, Tu, Il, Elle’… Her phone goes off, she’s bumbling all over the place, Dick dismisses his class and watches a few seconds of her horrible, horrible film and she legit, *and I can’t get over it*, but she legit strokes his head as he’s bent over watching the film. The gesture, the moment, his response to immediately shut the laptop and tells Chris, 'Its not my thing,’ It all sent me into a sort-of paralyzing shock. WTF just happened? Chris freaks out and points out that he hasn’t made art in 7 years and that brick he had set out as an art piece wasn’t art at all… To which he affirmed his love for straight lines. The rich metaphor isn’t lost on me, I died laughing and am chuckling as I’m writing this but I think it’s a combination of that comment and everything that happened so fast in that scene. My love for it increases with repeat views.

Meanwhile, Sylvere is having his own awkward encounters with the woman he met in the first episode, Toby (India Menuez)… This one I had to watch twice as well. Both Sylvere and Chris might have reinvigorated their sex life with this weird sexual fantasy about the mysterious, straight line loving 'Dick’, but they are tanking in the Marfa social scene. Sylvere questions Toby’s taste in art, finding out that her project is about 'looking at hardcore porn without judgement’, and verbatim, 'So I reduce it to its shapes.’ He takes the judgement further and calls her a child and asks her why she’s obsessed with porn, then reduces her to her beauty. The ironic and stunningly ignorant comment is met with the long pause from Toby, striking facial emotional-responding realization and then she simply tells Sylvere, 'You’re awful.’ And again the scene cuts fast, it’s almost dizzying, like I don’t have time to react. The cut is to a red screen with Chris’ words appearing large in and in charge on the screen, 'Dear Dick, I will not be muzzled.’ Only later when I’m sorting out my feelings on the episode, I find myself laughing at the quick edits, and just slightly tonally jarring direction led by the great Kimberly Pierce (a woman who literally burst on to the scene in '99 with the Oscar Winning 'Boys Don’t Cry’). I don’t even know what to think.

Chris returns home after her disastrous meeting with Dick, finding Devon (Roberta Colindrez) installing a water heater or some sort of handy-woman work (see what I did there?), and after the initial shock that someone is in her house, Chris goes right to ranting. Asking her if she knows who the director Maya Deren is, saying that Maya is supposed to be the most important female director of all time. Devon replies No, which I’m guessing most people wouldn’t know her either. Deren was big in the way Indy Bands are big now, but in the 40’s. I know film pretty well, but Meren is mainly a mystery, and while I’m familiar with a lot of films in the 50’s, they are more of Monster Movie in taste (I love classic, iconic trash 50’s cinema, like 'The Blob’, 'Alligator Man’, 'Them’). Trancey, experimental avant-garde types… No the 40’s would be far too early for me to consume that type of genre, despite its cultural importance.

It’s just hilarious to me to see Chris go on and on about how she likes mainstream directors and hates Sofia Coppola, who I’ve always loved btw… Chris cites Sofia’s 'perfect chestnuts highlights’ as another reason she hates her, 'Ooh, hey, how’d you get that brunette? A lotta money!’ I’m literally dead. 😂 Devon starts to follow her around, she’s literally mesmerized by Chris’ unhinged rant. Chris is now just asking rhetorical questions and ranting on as Devon almost salivates at Chris’ crazy as a pure inhibited spectator, 'It is a wonder that any woman could think of herself as an artist.’ Devon actually responds here… 'Uhm, I’m an artist too, so…’ Chris barely recognizes she spoke, muttering back, 'Oh, I didn’t realize’, like that has any bearing on the conversation that could’ve blossomed from there. I’m usually pretty empathetic but if I wasn’t laughing so hard from her rant and the Sofia Coppola comments, who once again I’ve always been fond of, I probably would have reached through the tv and pulled Chris’ hair a bit. I wonder what kind of rant Chris would produce about the cultural cancer of Oxygen’s 'Bad Girls Club’. In a perfect world, there would be an extra scene that Amazon would allow subscribers to see an outtake of this very scenario.

I guess Chris’ interaction with Dick is so jarring that she starts to rip down all the letters she wrote to Dick from the lines strung across her bedroom. And it appears Chris’ visit to Dick’s class was so jarring we see him sitting on his porch staring intently into the Great wide Texan open, clearly annunciating her name in full, 'Chris Kraus’. The editing is fantastic in these final moments (tho to be fair it’s great the whole way through). We see Devon shirtless, confidently writing as if a lightbulb is literally shining bright above her head. Sylvere somberly mopes back through town to his home. This is when we cut to 'Je, Tu, Il, Elle’ where the protagonist speaks about taking everything she had written and spreading it out, then just laying in bed. Cut to Chris laying in bed looking up at the empty wire dawned with clothespins that once held all the letters to Dick, the same letters that had Sylvere and Chris fucking like they had just met each other. Sylvere walks in professing that he hates the town and tries to sit next to Chris and touch her, but without the letters there is no longer warmth and a red pulsing glow in their bedroom. She jerks away from him and claims her 'skin is tight’. Yeesh.

Suki & Geoff arrive at Devon’s trailer and she reveals what she was fervently writing about… A play… About a couple from New York… A woman… She wants to 'become somebody’… 'But she hates herself’… Another quick cut, God I’m in love with these editors… Chris is packing up all her letters to Dick. Cut to Dick who sees a snake, slithering in the very opposite manner of the straight lines he claims to love so much. He arranges multiple rocks in the shape of the slithering, wavy snake and runs along side of them. Is this Dick beginning to let go of his rigid nature? Cut back to Chris who is walking into Dick Jarrett’s office and drops off a box containing all the letters she had written Dick, and so passionately made love to her husband under. The box is tied with a single ribbon, and there’s a dead moth at one corner of the box with a card… 'To: Dick Jarrett / From: Chris Kraus’… Cut to RED. That’s the perfect color alright.