#guess what. I'm sick now
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#i picked up my sibling (that I had been almost no contact with for like 9+ years?) from the airport and. fucking hell#they were sick and told me to mask but apparently they didnt bother to mask... IN AN AIRPORT ON AN AIRPLANE#anyway i masked in my car. 1+ hr drive home#this was a few days ago now :)#they've been to the gym several times since then. still coughing 🙃#guess what. I'm sick now#mad doesn't even begin to cover it#gonna do an at-home covid test :/ wish me luck i guess#edit: my partn--i mean wife has all our at-home tests & we been in different cities for a hot second. great.#well at least i wont pass it onto her. i guess
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i'm in one of those phases where i really wish i believed in manifesting and spellcasting and things like that bc you know when you want something so bad you're literally praying for the universe to let it happen
#ramble#this is not me judging by the way i think it's cool as fuck i just don't do it personally#context: a lot of my 'dream jobs' are now just 'ways to make money that i might not absolutely hate'#but i have one (1) legit dream job and it's literally FINGERTIPS away from me right now#i feel like most people who know me can guess what it is and know how badly i want it#i'm not even letting myself daydream about it or talk about it too much because i'm so afraid of not getting it and being disappointed#and also i don't want to like. jinx it#i've tried so many times before but this is the closest i've ever been and i feel SICK i want to bite something
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shiho doodl instead of bible study #mood #lit
#i was playing projectsekai all morning and now im so disoriented i feel sick and i can't work#i literally have latin and english study tomorrow. I'm so done for#i also have a mock due next monday and i can't study the one subject im stuckon cos GUESS WHAT#gacha hell.#prsk#leo/need#shiho hinomori#project sekai#prsk fa#pjsekai#pjsk#project sekai fanart#my art#1k
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realized a drawing i'm doing rn is almost identically posed to one i did 8.5 years ago of a different oc, except the old drawing was instantly tainted by one of the players featured messaging me asking if i could take it down because their abusive, possessive rp partner saw it and got jealous of them "roleplaying behind their back" and i said "nah" and it became a whole Thing that i should have walked away from at that exact moment but didn't and the 6 months that followed contained some of the most truly condensed batshit i have ever witnessed in an rp community already well-known for its batshittery.
... anyway i love my friends. so happy to accidentally redeem the pose.
#idk if ill ever open up completely about that shitshow but#i think 8 years is past the statute of limitations to vaguepost about it#late tag addition but man now i'm thinking about it all at 4am#how did in the good goddamn did i witness that and still not only let them make me an officer#but also let them put me functionally in charge of their guild IC#while those two fucked off and erped in instanced zones or played overwatch#and i and my then-rp-partner took the heat for the meandering plotline#until my partner vented to the wrong person about the abuse#and it got back to them#and we got to experience the surreality of an honest to god guild coup#all to salvage the image of some egomaniac abuser#certified fucking wra moment#its been 8 years and thinking about how i was treated in the end makes me feel sick lol#they made a new guild discord and invited everyone but us#and when i noticed the channel had gone quiet i asked what was up#and was met with gaslighting about how i'm 'thinking too much' about the channel being a 'little slow'#and it took pushing to get an early admission of what was about to happen#so we logged on and quit ourselves#which fucked up the narrative they had constructed#and they lied in the new channel that WE were the ones doing a 'coup' and that we stole the members who left with us#i guess i am opening up after all#i had to play the fucking villain of that scenario for the past 8 years#all to protect the mental health of people who hurt me#why#if you were there and know what i'm referencing with all of this... there's the fucking story#the person in question is a massively popular artist#i just dont have it in me to fight that fight
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"killer. what is this supposed to be?"
"oh, i commissioned one of my fans to draw art of us! isn't it totally cute??"
"well, it's definitely... something."
"... no, it's cute. but how'd you pay for it? last i heard, your balance was..."
"..."
💜/💙/❤️
#it's me im the fan killer commissioned#guess which project sekai card i referenced this off of. it's the birthday cards no need to guess#i had an idea and now it's been executed. but now i'm gonna need to draw two more of this#what the FUCK is even going on in this you ask?? idk i just wanted to draw jk dust#shes soooo cute i love the little horror and killer chibis#i totally abused the outline brush in this one but it's okay it looks cute#a shame that dust's pointing hand is covered up i really like how that one looks#how much purple can i shove into one drawing before you get sick of it#i tried a new thing with the discontinued lines too!!! this was ngl soooo fun#me when i have free reign to make things cutesy and i dont have to be held back by the angst the trio has#see guys!!! THIS is why i made jk fashion au. for cute stuff and silly shenanigans like the caption#i cant believe i actually finished a piece i usually NEVER do that. rare triglycercule moment#average triglycercule art if i locked in#jk fashion au#tricule art#dust sans#killer sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv#sans au#bad sanses#bad sans gang#nightmare's gang#undertale au#undertale multiverse#this is because of the art that someone sent me that i got motivation to finish this#I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!!!! YOU GAVE ME MOTIVATION TO FINISH THIS!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ART 😭😭😭😭#special thanks to angelic love by x_x for inspiring this. i gave one listen and immediately i wanted to draw this
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a piece i did for aleena over on twitter in lieu of stickers from my raffle, given that she already owns most of them LOL
they requested flug in the camp leader outfit from the Elmore short, and given that that's probably my favourite short i was more than happy to oblige!
(considering making that middle one into a sticker... he's just so cuuuuute)
#villainous#villainous fanart#dr. flug#demencia#5.0.5.#my art#aleena was sooooo patient with me and i super appreciate it#november and december were a total mess for me with me running that secret santa#did i talk about that? hi i moderate the r/neopets secret santa art event now#I GUESS#it was totally a labour of love i really cherish being a part of it#but i was WOEFULLY UNPREPARED#so its january and im not even done sending christmas cards out yet#and i meant to make more headway on that this week but i got sick#so. next week. i hope.#in between building ikea furniture#we desperately need storage so i bit the bullet and got a wall shelving unit#i'm very excited ive wanted it for like. two years now.#it wasnt cheap but thats what credit cards are for baybeeee#ok thats it love you bye#if you reblog please delete my tags lol
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two nights ago: [vivid dream about having a panic attack, gasping and wheezing, heart pounding painfully, curled up on the kitchen floor shaking while my family has dinner in the other room]
last night: [vivid dream about apologizing to my friends that i'm depressed again, feeling weighted down by all of it, on the verge of collapsing because it's too heavy, darkness encroaching]
me irl: genuinely just chilling
#lmao. every night i have visions#and sometimes it takes like a day to realize oh that. was not a memory#that didn't happen that was a Vision from when i was Asleep.#anyone else??????? anyone else????????????#hurgle says things#not at all the first time i've had dreams about symptoms/episodes#so i guess there's smth unprocessed in me xoxo#sometimes i don't realize my brain plucked on a trauma string until the next day i just feel sick when i see/think abt some things#and then i'm like. oh is this a Trigger ? but most days it's fine#lmao. anyway#after spending two decades pretending really hard to be super normal i am now trying to figure out. what is normal
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i've been putting off watching dimension 20 because i know it's the exact kind of thing that will turn into something that becomes my entire personality, but i have run out of excuses to procrastinate further, so i suppose it is time to finally begin... wish me luck
#dimension 20#dropout#i don't know whether i should be scared or not for what is about to happen#there are 21 seasons christ this will be quite the binge#but i'm sick with nothing better to do right now so i guess this is it
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it's such a radical kind of positivity to be like 'maybe things will be okay in the end' in the face of biodiversity collapse and colonialism. but it's also exactly what we need. for some of us to go 'what if things turn out okay' and then do the work to get there because we loved that vision so much we made it happen
#climate solutions#climate justice#climate action#biodiversity#colonialism#decolonise#and yes i know we're living through terrible things rn#and it's okay if you're suffering and unable to see the positive#but. i don't usually believe in manifesting but i'm manifesting right now. i'm sick of my prayers being in desperation#what if the best possible outcome happens? and sometimes that means surrounding myself with a much less negative skew#and so. psa i guess. i'm really working on that#and doing so in a way that isn't too rushed so hopefully the hypomania and desperation doesn't kick in#so please if you've read to here ask me how it's going! i won't be checking my dash but i will be checking notifs and messages#personal mental health tag#anti-worrying i guess
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Due to current events my for you tab has been taken over by gddamn antisemites. Like they're going full mask off n then get offended when they get called out on it too.
Guess fighting for human rights is cool and all until Jews are mentioned, then it's too much to ask to be seen as a person and not some fairy tale monster.
#like wtf are u ppl doing!!! the fucking mental gymnastics they go through to justify fucking genocide is olympic level#I'm gonna block on sight from now on. U say antisemitic shit? Good fucking bye.#I'm sick of explaining that yes we jewish people are in fact. u guessed it. people!!#N how tf do so many of these ppl identify as leftist n then turn around n spew borderline nazi to actual nazi propaganda?!#Btw if it's not clear enough I'm Jewish. if ur an antisemite fucking leave.#dy talks#also the jewish ppl who're also supporting this stuff?? like do u guys realize ur just being used or what??
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I tried to mod something and the good news is, it didn't crash the game. 🥳 The bad news is, not what I was looking for lmao.
Like, don't get me wrong. I've seen way worse (the stuff of nightmares) on a modding channel I've been teaching myself this stuff lately, so. It's not like I completely fucked this thing up or anything like that.
It's just... I still gotta ask though.
What went wrong here?
#personal#my mods#(sort of kjdkd)#i was just lamenting this stuff on a fandom discord channel. saying i'm at my wits' end here and about to quit this shit#i tried following a tutorial on a modding channel and i got the whole thing working for the most part#he's sized correctly. animations seem to work. nothing is stretching apart from hair. the textures are all fucked up now but yeah#but because what i'm trying to do here is a little different than what that tutorial does#(they still keep pointing to that very same tutorial though)#it seems that either i did something wrong. maybe i skipped some important part?#(because one answer claimed if it's a model extracted from the same game it doesn't need to be rigged or weight-painted)#but then that video tutorial also says you need to separate some parts so that nothing's stretching etc.#which is obviously a thing that's happening above. that hair is in fact stretching. A LOT#i'm guessing because cloud and zack have different hair. so they must have different hair physics or something#but then. i also learned on that channel that zack doesn't have his own animations. because he's neither playable/non-playable#because he only appears in this one cutscene towards the end of the game. he has his own model and textures though#so i don't know whether that means he doesn't have his own physics either or...?#meaning i probably need to use another model's hair physics as well and somehow transfer them on zack's hair too or smth like that maybe#i don't know. i'm so confused#like i've put so much effort into this. so many retries already. i'm getting sick of the shaders input part actually lmao#and i'm so close but i'm stuck!#i tried asking for help on a modding channel but because my question didn't get answered in a couple of hours i chickened out and deleted i#and now i'm like i need help. i just don't know what i did wrong 🙈 i need strength and courage
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#okay so i think i haven't told this story to you guys but i've been thinking about it a lot waiting for the surgery day#(oh i guess content warnings for injury and animal death. idk all of this is pretty heavy stuff)#but when this dog was a puppy he broke his leg. quite badly actually#and for the following six months i was Convinced that both he and i had literally DIED#and the world around us just failed to recognize the blazing red Game Over text superimposed over my line of sight#so we - literal zombies still bleeding from our mortal wounds - had to perform the movements of being alive#this got better when the puppy was finally healed#but the flashbacks. the hallucinations. they followed me for years and years and only slowly faded away#and now when the dog is sick again - with something completely unrelated - those are coming back again! what fun!#and i don't know if i've ever been as scared of anything as actually for real losing this dog in a traumatic event#if he just dies this wednesday#like. probably he doesn't. most dogs survive the operation these days they say#but just the small chance of something going wrong#i don't know if i'll survive if he doesn't. how can i keep going if he doesn't#i'm scared you guys. this dog is the literal light of my life#(i was going to name him with the finnish word for light but that didn't stuck in the end. didn't make it any less true)#sussitalk
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My brother dragged me to see Deadpool 3. Didn't like it very much. But some of the jokes were funny. Idk man. I'm so tired of multiverses and nothing really meaning anything and characters just getting sidelined/being told things and not shown. Have some heart ffs. Make me feel something. Ugh.
#my brother and partner really liked it though so that's good i guess#deadpool & wolverine#deadpool 3#the emotional beats did not hit for me at allll#i almost cried at the credit reel because it showed some cute bts footage of the xmen franchise#xmen was so important to me. way more important than marvel/avengers#i'm just kinda weary#also my partner and i ate too much popcorn so we felt sick after#my brother always insists on getting the extra butter#i feel like i can't say what i really feel about a movie around him because he'll try to argue his [pont and act like he is soo right#love him though#think i'll focus on watching more independent films now#have not seen a superhero movies in years. feel like i didn't miss much#delete later#same reason i have trouble with this film is the same reason i have a hard time with Doctor Who#trying to act sooo smart with multiverse stuff when really it's just too convoluted and silly
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bleh
#blabbering#rambling/whining/complaining/venting ahead:#I think the horrors have finally caught up to me and the depresso is starting to take hold#i don't usually experience this until winter but I think the sudden drop of activity and people going on hiatus and such -#has triggered this early for me#basically I can't be left alone with my thoughts for too long or i start spiraling REALLY badly.#i don't really handle change very well haha...#i have the notorious curse of second guessing anything and everything and putting it on repeat in my head and then amplifying it#which sucks bc I don't have any more escapisms that work now bc this was already my escapism and I have no human connections irl#(I'm not kidding either. I've failed time and time again to make friends irl and was always the proactive one about it. But alas... ugh)#my only source for connections is online bc i struggle to make friends (especially at my age and how my energy keeps depleting and depletin#might lowkey be sharkweek but usually I just get more agitated and not this (this is very specific to the winter horrors™ for me)#i guess I may as well check out the spears while they're around still (tho in between me making dinner). I'm just feeling super bummed out#and not excited like I was the other day about it (ofc I blame the depresso™).#I don't even know what to do for my beta characters. Head empty. Head gone. sigh.#also it sucks bc next week is gonna kick my ass at work (canada day/july 4th/july in general/5 DAYS and long shifts in there too)#i'm going to be so tired and so alone and with nothing to look forward to. Idk what to do bc none of my usual distractions are effective no#No escape. No seretonin. No company. Nothin'. I notice I when i start getting bad like this when I fall back hard into pokemon#(because it was my childhood escapism and I was a neglected only child who was left alone a lot; hence the connection lol)#i'll probably just have to suffer through it and be an absolute wreck of a person i think. I don't really have any other options#watch me get sick again bc canada sucks to work bc everyone has it off and they ALL GO TO THE STORE I WORK AT AND IT SUCKS.#gonna try to draw more too but the depresso is eating my brain worms (the healthy brain worms)
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Goddammit.
Look. I love modern medicine. It's great.
But can Albuterol please fucking not with the shakes. I am trying to figure out whether the whole mystery breathing issue is getting worse thank you and the anxiety-adjacent side effects are not helping knock it off.
#personal#this has already happened once#and the doc was all “okay your lungs sound better now; no crackling - you can stop the inhaler if you want”#a month later and moderate exercise still makes me need to sit down when previously I could run circles around “fit” people#time for my primary care doc; this shit ain't normal!#does he have any sort of in-person appointment anytime soon? course not but I'll take what I can get#“ok back to Albuterol and let's add a steroid cuz it sounds like you have inflammation as well”#note: there has been no x-ray and nobody has listened to my lungs in at least a month so I'm trying not to hear “this is a wild guess”#been on THOSE for a few weeks and I swear I'm getting worse and y'know what fuck it I'm taking a sick day tomorrow#for all I know I have Long COVID now fucking thank you society#venting#venting to the void#whatever#but UGH CAN SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE MY LUNGS DO THE OXYGEN THING. THIS BLOWS.
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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