#halloween post!

[kalpasio]

HIII!! THANK YOU for feeding the place kalpas has in my heart you’re honestly a keeper to everyone in the kalpas community!🧡 this came to me literally only 2 hours before halloween (for me) but late or not I cannot fight the urge to send this

hear me out here please just hear me out🙏 Kalpas halloween fic!! or just a halloween fic/hcs with all the flame chasers like their costumes some type of scenario and literally anything you could think of that reminds you of halloween and the flame chasers because who doesn’t like Halloween? Like said it’s a little bit too late but I had to share my idea with someone and if you can’t write about it that’s completely understandable as well!

Again thank you SO SO much for feeding the kalpas community because I used to never see ANYTHING about him. Looking forward to all the future fics you write!! AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE 🧡🖤

It's Monday and Halloween!!!! You know what that means! Lots and lots of words below the cut, and none of them the words I promised last week! I saw this ask last night and started crying because you are so nice immediately was in love with the idea! So without further ado, I present, HALLOWEEN! 🧡🖤🧡🖤

Just kidding, you have to scroll past more nonsense before you can get to the good stuff

That first part of the ask my brain went "WOW!" and then immediately to that Doofenshmirtz meme where he goes “by default!! My Favorite way to win!!!” I know I’m not the only writer or person making content in the community, and I’m honestly super super happy you guys like my works and I’m delighted to be part of the Kalpas community!

Halloween is like. My absolute favorite. Very sad I never decorate for it, but it holds a special place in my heart. So I was thrilled to get this request, especially because I’m back on my “the story got out of hand” bullshit and don’t have this week’s fic done If I ever get 2 out in a row it’ll be a miracle I am sorry.

So this started as like HCs and I was gonna do all the Flame Chasers during Halloween, but I, once again, losT CONTROL OF MY WRITING. I just wanted to do a few bullet points for Kalpas, and now I have THIRTY THREE. AND I AM NOT DONE.

So 👏 because I am horrible at posting on time I made the schedule and I still never follow it, and can’t stop myself from going overboard with the Kalpas writing, you’re getting basically a whole story, but it’s in like a list format because I will turn this into another 20k word fic if given the opportunity. Actually, it probably will turn into a full story eventually how many times have I said that? but for now! I present! Way Too Many Thoughts On Halloween Kalpas! (insert Kermit arms here)

Ok, Griseo is obviously not the only kid on base, but because of her and her parents, trick-or-treating on base is a whole thing.

Even Kevin will hand out candy

(Actually Dr. Mei hands it out, he just stands there menacingly, but at least he tries)

Kalpas scares most of the kids, so he’s one of those people to leave the basket outside the door.

He doesn’t just leave it tho

Man sits there watching the security feed for his door like it’s fucking TV

One kid grabs too much and he slams the door open and goes “HEY”

Kid books it

You’re across the hall handing out candy and can’t help but laugh

He looks straight at you

Kid you’re giving candy to runs away as well

Cue awkward laugh and door slam

End of the night he’s pounding on your door

Because this man doesn’t know how to knock normally or use a doorbell, you can’t convince me otherwise

You value your life, so you don’t answer the door because it’s Kalpas

He finds you later anyway

“Your pumpkin”

“My jack-o’lantern?

“Sure”

“What about it?”

“Do one for me.”

“It’s past Halloween?”

“Next year.”

“Okay????”

(sad part I am sorry)

After Griseo’s parents die, everyone wants to do something to cheer her up

Elysia and Eden suggest summerween, and like who’s gonna argue with them

Kalpas comes back to you about the jack-o’lantern

He wants you to do one with his mask on it

But he won’t give you his mask

Or let you take a picture or anything

So now he’s just sitting in your kitchen while you carve out this design

He actually makes decent company

Little awkward when you offer him a drink and he just stares at you

You guys talk and yes he is very murder-y, but he also is kinda funny and you both get along surprisingly well

The pumpkin turns out really well

Even though it’s Kalpas’ mask, and he’s scary, everyone (kids included) think it’s super cool

Since the kids really like you, he stays at your place and you both answer the door

You kinda cancel each other out, so the kids aren’t as scared of him, but they’re also bouncing off the walls to go to your door

You have the GOOD candy. You know, like king sized bars and plenty of variety. You’re invested

It’s nice to have company, and even if he doesn’t show it at the door, Kalpas is excited to see the kids excited

You leave a random Halloween movie on in the background to watch when you’re not answering the door

Eventually, the kids start coming less frequently

You two just end up watching a whole movie together

Ok, now imagine it’s Halloween again, and you guys are dating this time around.

ONE HUNDRED MILLION PERCENT you have the best door.

this man literally has a jack-o'-lantern mask when he goes into his second phase, you know he loves Halloween

We’re talkin

Spider webs

Multiple jack-o’-lanterns

Purple, green and orange lights around the frame

A skeleton by the door

Because your room and his are across the hall from each other, you make like spooky tree archway

MORE spider webs

Bubbling cauldron in front of Kalpas’ door

(to let people know not to go there)

Fog machine under his door

Warning signs written in fake blood

You name it, it’s there

Elysia is very jealous, she’s won the past 3 door decorating contests but you win by a mile

she says it's cheating because you had two doors, but she uses Eden's door too

Even before Halloween, you guys are just enjoying fall

You make pumpkin pie together

He makes it actually

You just sit nearby and try to steal little bits

It doesn’t work, but you can usually convince him to give you a kiss instead, since you’ve obviously been robbed

You drink apple cider and almost make yourself sick on candy corn

He stops you, but you have a secret stash

You make apple pie together

He makes the crust, but you cut all the apples so you’re helping! Even if you do sneak one or two slices

There is a whole list of movies you have to get through before Halloween night

They range from cheesy horror

like classics that have just been overplayed to the point of being bad

To actually scary movies

He’s wearing a mask so you don’t know if he’s scared, but you sure as hell are

he lets you move his arm around however you need to feel safe

Won’t turn the movie off tho

“You made the list”

“I didn’t think it was this bad!”

“I want to know how it ends”

and like, you're not gonna leave your safe spot next to him, so you're just stuck there

To movies meant more for kids

Halloweentown, Nightmare Before Christmas you can watch that twice a year, Over the Garden Wall, that sorta thing

Kalpas complains that they’re for kids, but he sits through the whole thing every time

Kalpas refuses to do matching costumes

He doesn’t wear any sort of costume, which you think is mega lame

He is pretty scary on his own though, so you let it slide

Overall, Halloween is the best time of the year

Because of all the ways you get to celebrate

But also, it’s the beginning of colder weather and you can sit next to Kalpas without boiling

It’s also the time of year he’s most likely to take his mask off for you

You’re so happy to decorate, and he’s legally obligated to kiss you when you smile like that

(unrelated HC, if he wants to kiss you but there’s people around, he’ll just stare at you until they leave because he’s being creepy, or you get the hint and go somewhere private. Won’t let people see his face, but is not at all shy at letting them know how much he cares for you)

 

that's it

that's all I got

I do want to do HCs for all the Flame chasers celebrating Halloween at some point, so maybe if I'm feelin spicy and I finish this gosh darn story I was supposed to do like 5 weeks ago I'll do another Halloween post. In the mean time, I hope this will tide you over to next week when I post a story that's so long no one wants to read it!

Happy Halloween!!

[roachemoji]

DEVIOUS PENIS PUMPKIN

[jabberwick]

Human Bill Cipher

(Based on Alex Hirsch's "canon" design)

And just to be clear, writing dissertations at me justifying why he should instead be a conventionally attractive twink will involuntarily cause me to draw him with even fewer teeth.

[ispyspookymansion]

BOO!

oh sorry….come in…..hello…welcome to my halloween party ^_^ feel free to take a piece of candy and a goodie bag before you go okay? have a fun (and nostalgic) halloween season!!

[girlfictions]

palestine is in a complete and utter blackout with israel launching hundreds of its heaviest airstrikes so far across gaza. this is a mass slaughter and we won't even know the extent of the casualties until it's over; israel have cut off telecommunications so they can commit their atrocities in the dark. there is a genocide happening right in front of our eyes and every person who has ever defended israel's "right to defend itself" has the blood of palestinians on their hands. we cannot ignore what is one of the most devastating massacres in human history.

[catchymemes]

[tadfools]

Make sure to check your kid's Halloween candy this year!!! I just opened my son's snickers bar and found an astral tadpole that could have unlocked his illithid potential!!!!

[rave-lord-nito]

Hat

[gallusrostromegalus]

The Van Has Officially Declared It Spooky Season

---

I've got my parent's van for the week and it seems determined to establish my status as The Local Cryptid by terrorizing an innocent 7-11 clerk.

...I might need to back up a bit.

My mother is an eminently sensible woman who knows herself well, and when The Plauge hit, she knew she'd need some sort of mentally and physically engaging craft project to keep herself from going insane and massacring the local zoning and water management boards (even if they have it coming). So she and Dad acquired a utility van and converted it into a camper van because while they love camping, they're past the age where their joints and immune systems will tolerate sleeping on the cold ground in a nylon tent.

They did a terrific job of it and my mom taught herself woodworking and carpentry and now the van has it's own cabinets, fold-away dining table, and removable queen-sized bed with memory foam mattress. My Dad was already a computer engineer, but he learned the dark magics of automotive software and electronics to install after-market backup cameras, a media player that would take a terabyte hard drive and a solar-powered battery and outlet so they could wake up and just turn on the kettle and griddle for breakfast without having to exit the van into a cold morning on an empty stomach.

Truly, the height of Camping Luxury.

My parents are both in their mid-seventies and my primary life goal is to be at least half as cool and hale as they are when I get old.

Anyway, they take it out at least a dozen times a year and it works fabulously, but, being as I am on good terms with my parents and also finishing the process of moving house, I've been borrowing it to move large and cumbersome objects that will not fit in the back of my equally lovely but minuscule Honda hatchback.

It's a Great Van. Very easy and comfortable to drive. Stunningly good MPG for it's size. The best cruise control I've ever had in a car.

It's just also. Quirky. Mischievous, even.

---

If this van has a fault its that it bears the unfortunate affliction that all lightly used white utility vans have in that the combination of an utter lack of branding features and the large dent/scrape I accidentally put on it while trying to escape a Denny's last Thanksgiving means that this vehicle is one addition of a Badly Spray-Painted "FREE CANDY" on the side away from being the sort of vehicle you see in an edgy horror movie.

It's got the same issue that Doberman Dogs have where they look like the sort of creature that likes to snack on toddler's faces whilst actually having personalities made of marshmallow fluff. This vehicle is unnecessarily menacing and I think nothing short of an airbrushed Epic Van Wizard will correct this. People see this van pull up and lean over and squint suspiciously at me when the driver's side door opens, and then look moderately confused when, instead of Charles Manson, a small, potato-shaped creature with neon purple hair and a statistically unlikely assortment of dogs emerges.

My own two dogs, Herschel the Hanukkah Goblin/Corgi and Charleston Chew The Taco Dumpster Dog, Do Not Like The Van. Even with the bed in it, they have a tendency to slide and roll around in the back, and both WILL chew through dog saftey belts or other attempts to secure them in there.

On the other hand, my house mate's dog, an exceptionally tall standard poodle whom we lovingly call "The Creature", loves the Van because SHE wears her doggy seat-belt with only mild complaining and gets to sit up in the passenger seat like A People.

Also like A People, The Creature likes to stand and walk around on her hind legs. It doesn't hurt her and it's entirely voluntary, but every so often I will feel a hand on my arm and instead of my husband or friend, it's a canine that's taller than I am on her hind legs who wants to stare at my face with soulful, concerned eyes. The Creature's favorite thing is that she is exactly the right height for me to hold her arm in Genteel Fashion and walk around the pet food or hardware store with her like I'm a count escorting a debutante around a royal ball.

---

As it stands, I am set to inherit this vehicle whenever my Honda gives up the ghost, and I fully intend to paint an Epic Van Wizard on it when that time comes.

The other peculiarity of The Van is that while Dad did manage to successfully install all his after-market electronics, not all the electronics get along. Sometimes, they fight for Dominance. The Terabyte Music Player and the Backup Camera have a particularly contentious relationship, and turning on the music has about a 25% chance of turning on the backup camera as well, and turning on the Backup Camera is equally likely to turn on the music.

Firthermore, The Van has a favorite song.

I am not kidding that Dad filled an entire terabyte hard drive with music and the software to sort it via the radio controls, but of all the Early Boomer Dad Rock (Kingston Trio over The Eagles) and Irish Folk and Symphonies and the entire discography of Weird Al Yankovic, The Van's favorite song- The one it picks to play as victory music every time it beats the Backup Camera at their weird electronic game of rock-paper-scissors -is The Liberty Bell March by John Phillip Sousa.

You all know this song already.

...but in case you've forgotten the tune:

Yeah.

The Van's favorite song is the goddamn Monty Python's Flying Circus Theme Music.

It does not play this song at a normal volume.

Every time I turn on the Backup Camera and it manages to turn the music player on as well, The Van insists on absolutely blasting this nonsense on at the maximum volume it's physically capable of producing, which I know is loud enough to be heard from the Denver International Airport's Pickup zone when they Van decided to start playing it from the economy lot about half a mile away.

Perhaps it's The Van's way of honoring the aesthetic sensibilities and sonic enthusiasm of Mr. Sousa.

...I can't help but wonder if the purpose of an Epic Van Wizard is to control this sort of faerie-like malarkey, and channel these chaotic energies into things like Spell of Don't Break Down In Nevada or Enchantment Of Always Have Good Parking.

---

So last Friday the 13th, I get a call from my friend and housemate, at said airport.

It's roughly 11PM at night, and I have already retired for the evening. I am in the exact minimum of clothing required to be a decent housemate and not scandalize the neighbors should I happen to walk by a window. My feet are up. There is a cat in my lap and fictional British people murdering each other in highly inventive fashion on the tv. -But my friend has returned from her friend's wedding,and either American or United Airlines has managed to lose her luggage, including, among other valuable possessions, the keys to her car. ...So she cannot just drive home as originally planned.

There are, as luck would have it, her spare set of keys not eight feet from me.

Being a good and decent person, I agree to bring the spare keys to her so she may get home before daybreak and not spend a semester's worth of tuition on an uber across the greater Denver traffic jam.

Being also that she Loves Activities, and it's her mom we're going to pick up, I elect to take along The Creature.

I am primarily focused on remembering how to get to the airport and not leaving my friend's spare keys on the counter, so I throw on a pair of flip-flops, step outside, remember that it's AUTUMN and my minimal evening attire is not sufficient thermal protection, step back in, grab the first coat in the closet I lay hands on, pull it on, check that I have her keys again and leave.

The trip to the airport is largely unremarkable, save that it becomes necessary for me to put on sunglasses to drive, despite it being nearly the witching hour and almost entirely darker than the inside of a cow.

It's necessary because this blissful darkness of night is violently punctured by a startling number of cars that seem to have installed miniaturized but no less powerful lighthouse bulbs in where their headlights ought to go so the oncoming traffic and sports cars that insist on tailgating me in the slow lane alike illuminate the road and my mirrors with the kind of radiance I'd normally associate with the arrival of a Seraphim.

I arrive at the distant highly discounted airport car lot where my housemate is waiting, deeply apologetic. It's nothing. I say. Once I see that your car starts up, I'm gonna go to that 7-11 across the way that I parked in front of, get a slurpee or something and I'll see you at home.

While she is retrieving her vehicle (an equally eccentric but much more stately Subaru that is old enough to be elected to congress) I rifle through the loose change in the glove box and discover that I have exactly $6.66 in small bills and coins. The Subaru, continuing it's long voyage into vehicular immortality, immediately starts up.

Upon her return, we all remember that my friend had all her camping gear in the backseat of the car and there is no room for The Creature to ride home with her parent, so I again assure her it's nothing, and will just take The Creature into the 7-11 with me. She is trained as a service animal and needs the practice after the plague.

I wave my friend off and turn to enter the 7-11.

I promptly trip over the jutting back bumper of The Van and fall, cartoonishly, face-first onto the sidewalk.

Fortunately, I have a lot of practice falling on my face, and have learned not to throw my hands out but instead cover my face, so my unexpected self-inflicted attempted curb-stomping lightly scrapes my hairline and nothing else -my sunglasses even stay in place- and I get up and resume my quest for a slurpee.

It's well known that the airport is a lawless place, and the 7-11 across from the discounted airport parking at the stroke of midnight is no exception.

I know it's the stroke of Midnight because there's one of those Audubon society bird-call clocks that makes bird noises, and my arrival is heralded by the twittering call of a Summer Tanager. I am almost charmed enough by the unusual choice of chronological device to excuse the exorbitant Airport-adjacent mark-up of Slurpee prices. I stand at the machine for some time, trying to decide on a size for the price and guess what the fuck "Blue Lighting Blast" is supposed to taste like.

The Creature is being Very Polite but is somewhat agitated, I assume because she *just* saw her mother for the first time in three days and then she LEFT with no explanation, so The Creature is on her hind legs, staring woefully into my eyes, asking to be escorted around the 7-11. Even though that's not what she's not supposed to be doing, there's nobody else in here, so I let her hang off my arm and discuss various Slurpee Flavor options with her.

We eventually decide on an experiment in which I try a Small Blue Lightning Blast, and discover it tastes a bit like licking a nintendo cartridge but in a pleasantly satisfying way.

I go up to pay and realize something is amiss.

The Cashier is a young man staring at me with wide eyes, one had over the register and the other wrapped up in his rosary.

I look down at myself.

In my haste to reunite my friend with her spare keys and service animal, I had left the house in the following accoutrements:

Flip Flops. Not matching. It's below freezing outside. That last part is not particularly odd footwear for the weather in for Colorado, but it's an important detail for the rest of the ensemble.

Assorted scrapes, bruises, cuts and welts on my arms and legs that come with doing outdoor work and living in a house with three dogs and a fully-clawed cat that all want to be in my lap all the time. It's cold out, so vasoconstriction has pulled the blood away from my skin, a trait that served my ancestors well during the last Ice Age, but leaves me with pale skin to contrast the various wounds and I look like a corpse that fell out of the back of a pickup truck.

The black Bootyshorts with "CRYPTID" painted in bright red gothic font across my ass, that @theshitpostcalligrapher gave me for my wedding present.

A peculiar but extremely comfortable garment that straddles the line between "Lacy Camisole" and "Industrial-Strength Sports Bra" like the Ever Given straddling the Suez Canal. It is also Bright Red. with black accents.

The Jacket I had grabbed out of the closet, which is in fact, a black Velour Dinner Jacket.

The Tokyo-Ghoul inspired reusable anti-covid mask a friend made me with the set of Coyote Teeth.

My sunglasses, which are shaped like a Halloween Bat. The lenses are the wings and the body is the nose bridge. It is ALSO bright red.

A Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle that I have been audibly affectionately calling "Dear Creature" who is hanging off my arm like she's my Prom Date.

The Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle is ALSO dressed up in a black Dog Sweater that has white bones printed on it to look like its an X-ray jacket showing off her skeleton.

I look like I am taking my Very Fancy Werewolf Girlfriend to a particularly casual Dinner Party for Vampires, but the thing that's really selling it and probably alarming the kid the most is the fun accessory I acquired in the parking lot not five minutes earlier:

The "Small Scrape At my Hairline" is actually a painless but PROFUSELY bleeding head wound that I had somehow entirely failed to notice covering my face, neck, decolletage and magnificent cleavage with blood like a Tarantino Film Extra.

This does explain why The Creature has been delicately trying to use her bodyweight to push me down onto the floor for the last ten minutes. So I don't injure myself while we wait for the paramedics she hoped this kid called to arrive, you see.

The Creature has such a High and Naive Opinion of humanity.

I decide this social situation is already fucked, and the only way out is through, and with haste, before I start dripping on the floor.

"Hi there!" I say cheerfully, to indicate this is a visually alarming but not terribly serious situation. "Just a Small Slurpee!"

The Cashier has entered the relevant code into the register before I finish the sentence. His gaze flicks off me just long enough to look at the total, and he grips his Rosary harder.

$6.66

"Oh cool! I have exact change!" I say, taking the money out of my as-yet-unsanguined pocket without looking and slap it down on the counter. "You have a good night and be safe out there!" I wave, leaving.

I get in The Van, mortified, buckle The Creature up, and as I make to leave, I have to put it in reverse, which automatically turns on the backup Camera.

It also turns on the music player.

I make eye contact with the cashier as the dulcet tones of John Phillip Sousa boom from the van hard enough to make the windshield and the windows of the 7-11 rattle for the nine-and-a-half seconds I have to wait to be able to turn the volume back down. Not knowing what else to to, I give him a thumbs up, and leave.

Anyway, now I know what my Future Van Wizard has got to be dressed like, and what their familiar is.

---

If you enjoyed this story, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi or Pre-ordering my Family Lore Funny Stories book on Patreon

[sin-syrup]

Twisted Wonderland characters but it's that haunted hallway picture

bonus:

NRC Staff minus Headmage Crowley

[monochromeia]

Almost wondered why Halloween was trending and then i remembered what website I'm on. I'd be concerned if it wasnt.

[figuring-it-all-out]

Spooky season is closer than you think.

[batbabydamian]

🦇 vampire damian doodle dump 🦇

[shopwitchvamp]

Gonna transform this basic wizard hat from Spirit Halloween today, wish me luck

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...