fuck it. questionable doodles of charlie. youre welcome
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Not to do one of those ‘I’m so glad I didn’t kill myself’ things, but Secret For The Mad came on spotify shuffle and I had such a memory of how much I was suffering then, and now I’m lying on a mattress on my best friend’s floor while she facetimes her online friends after I said goodbye to my partner and they left for uni this morning and I can say that I’m okay and mean it and everything does make sense again.
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idk maybe it's just me and the 4:30 am brain but there is something so desperately lonely about hyperfixating on something that truly only you care about. like i want to have someone to talk to about this endlessly for hours on end but none of my friends care about it as much as I do and therefore I would feel really bad about it!!!! but also I desperately want to!!!! be able to chatter at people i dunno. it's like. i would desperately like to be able to talk about anything but hockey and my hockey story and check please right now but i literally can't, I can't think of anything to talk about except for contract types and lengths and trades and how my characters all interact and met and I want I WANT to be able to hold a conversation longer than like!!!! 4 messages and I literally CANNOT because my brain!!!!! won't let me do normal conversation unless it's entirely!!!!!! in the other person's hands!!!!!
apropos of i think i've said about 4 things to my friends in the past week that weren't the same message over and over again, like good mornings good nights etc. etc. It's like. i am aware that i'm hyperfixating but at the same time I desperately want out of it? is that even a thing? because i feel as if the further I get pulled into the swirl of it the further away i get from all of my friends point blank period, because i am constantly the person who doesn't know what the bounds of being friends is. Like yeah, sure, my friend who i've known since i was 12 is not going to up and stop being friends with me because we don't talk for a week at a time, she and I have been through way more than that, but what about all my little writing friends i've made online in the last year?
GRRRRRRR i hate i HATE the social anxiety monster when it goes head to head with my ADHD/Autism potential beasts like what the SHIT. this is unfair i shouldn't be freaking out about this stuff I should be able to just enjoy my fuckshit and not have to worry about if people will still want to talk to me oh my GOD.
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