#havent done one of these since my last blog I think

[kittycowboy]

I am happy because everyone loves me ^.^

[chisatowo]

I should rly draw the snake triplets more I love them sm but also grrrrr human

[machiten]

thats my seat!

academic rival scaramouche x gn!reader headcanons

warnings: scaramouche(bro is a whole warning), foul language(it's scaramouche we're talking about here so), reader is mentioned to have bad eyesight, fights, angst, academic validation, bad parenting

barely proofread lmao im tired, it's 3:15 am and im starving. there will be a chapter 2 ofc i just wanted to post something goddamn my blog has been empty for so long (4 days) didn't have a way to keep track of the word count but it's kinda long. anyways hope u enjoy!!

oh god

when i say rival, i mean full on brawls on the school hallway

so let's say you've been top of your school since day one. your name has always been at the top of the score board every exam, always class representative, and well known as a smart kid ever since you steped on school premises.

you work hard to keep your grades up, your parents pay enough attention to your succesful brother and none for you

having a successful brother plants high expectations on you. i mean, he did very well, so why cant you? you both have the same blood running through your veins. your parent's praise, that is all you've ever wanted. and yet you're not even informed if there's a family outing, leaving you in your house alone

it has been like that for years

not until one day, you enter into the classroom and someone else is sitting in your chair. someone unfamiliar is sitting on your chair.

"hey, excuse me. i sit there." you pointed at what is supposed to be, your chair. "what, i dont see any names on it." Ok, what. when you finally look up to the culprit, my goodness. Fierce purple eyes that looks like it holds the entire universe, his skin as fair as a maiden, lips plum as a springs fruit, a beauty mark at the underside of his right eye, and his hair a unique color of indigo that is cut in a weird jellyfish-ish hairstyle. while yes, he looks ethereal, not gonna lie (if he had longer hair you might've mistaken him as a girl) his personality certainly does not match his elegance. an annoyed look currently adorned his face, as if you disturbed his peace.

"done checking me out? i know im hot, i get that look everyday so dont ever think you're special." and now it changed into a cocky smirk. the nerve! not only is he sitting on someone else's chair but it seems like his head is getting bigger too. "well excuse me, i havent seen your around school until today so im guessing that you're the transfer student our teacher talked about last week. but do you mind finding a new spot, i sit there." you glared at him.

"no i like it here. here's a better idea, why don't you find a new spot. im the new student here, show some courtesy."

"no- what, go away thats my seat!"

"alright everyone, settle down- oh, i see that the new student is here already," the teacher finally came in the classroom, cup of steaming hot coffee in his hand. Everyone sat down on their seats while you are still standing up waiting for this person to look for another seat. Lmao guess what, he didnt move.

"(name), c'mon sit down. i know getting a new friend is exiting but we have to greet the new student properly. now go find your seat."

"wait but sir--"

"sit down, (name)"

"yeah that's right (name), sit down" a voice beside you spoke. you looked over to the new student adorning a triumphant grin at your loss. and so you are now forced to sit at the back, barely seeing what's in front because of your poor eyesight, and wearing a vengeful spirit.

epic first meeting

the seats in the back are okay, its breezy and you now sit next to xiao (his music taste is so good) but yeah, you cant really see the board clearly so you get notes from mona at the front

at first, it was a one sided rivalry. how hated how rude and bratty he was and at that time, he didnt seem too care (like he get those everyday). but then he started fighting back and oh boy he hasn't had this much fun in years!

the way you retort back to his harsh words is so amusing to him. usually, no one would dare talk to him in a degrading manner but then you came into his life, claiming that he's sitting on your chair, and it was never the same ever again.

now, he looks forward to everyday. he rises up earlier so that he can sit at your chair first, he keeps looking at the classroom door everytime someone enters (in case it's you so that he can give that shit eating grin), he loves how your face gets messed up when he wins an argument, he loves how small your hands are compared to his when you have a brawl in the hallways, and most of all, he loves it when you give him the shit eating grin when you win something (he says he let's you win sometimes because he pitied you, but is it really?)

to him, this is fun, amusing, entertaining. but to you? you've never felt this much hate in a human being, ever.

scaramouche is smart as fuck and he demonstrated that loud and clear

he aced the math test that the teacher gave that wasn't even taught to him

in presentations, he speaks loud and clear and you can really understand the point he's making

he doesn't really like group works (you noticed) but if he was put in a group, he does most of the job flawlessly

sports? oh of course. he's really good at baseball (pitcher). he's also good at other sports but not as good as baseball

oh and pray that you don't get him as your opponent in debates, you will be grilled like a brisket

did i mention he sleeps in like 70% of his classes? it's not like the teachers can do anything about it. he excels in everything, at least let him sleep as a gift

the only times he would be awake is when he pulls on your strings

but of course, you're also good in all of these, that's why you both are rivals

you fight almost everyday for the top spot (and for your original seat) to the point where its a daily routine to everyone else to see you both pinching and arguing in the classroom

He doesn't have any close friends (ahem childeahem) and it's either bc ppl are intimidated by him or he just doesnt give a fuck about friends

maintaining grades is one thing, winning against him is another

you are very intellegent, yes, but you work very hard for your grades every night. losing sleep studying for upcoming quizes and making sure your projects are perfect. unlike him who doesnt even try

you havent seen him study once

and it makes you see yourself lower. you're both equally in par with your grades but thats when he doesn't even try. what happens when he takes everything seriously? what if he studies as hard as you do? where will you stand then?

but when you got 2nd place for the 3rd time this year, he took it too far

"what the hell?! this is the third time!" you looked at the results in the bulletin board expecting to see your name in first place. you studied hard, right? so then why,,,

"oh oops, looks like i did a little too well again this time. aw and i didn't even answer some of the questions because i felt bad for beating you the last two times." a snicker is heard behind you and sure enough, piercing indigo eyes is looking at yours in pure pity. "thanks i guess. are you happy now? that's three times in a row!" aether beside you is now having a deadpan expression, expecting the worst. 'alright here we go again'.

"oh yes very, you know what makes me even happier? your declaration that you're inferior to me. why do you even try anyways, it's clear to everyone that im better. you're just wasting your time burying your head in your books and notes when we both already know who's coming at the top. imagine not meeting your parent's expectations." he's now looking down on you, beating you up with words that you know damn well are true. but that doesn't mean you're not gonna fight back.

"what."

"oh you know, maybe if you tried harder, the cost of your education might be worth it for your parents. honestly, if i we're them id--"

before he could finish his sentence, a loud echoing smack is heard all across the hallway, making everyone's attention turn to the commotion. scaramouche head is now turned the other way, his cheeks beginning to flare from the hit as he glared at the culprit, you. "you motherfucking bitc-!" you tackled him and due to surprise, he fell back. aether is now alert, shouting your name trying to get you to your senses.

you gripped scramouche's collar, rasing his head from the floor and slamming it back down. "you're an asshole, you know that?! i try my best everyday and this is what i get?!!" he fights back, hand on your arm that's trying to get a hold of his hair and another on your neck, holding back your weight.

"you don't know what it's like!! you will never know what it's like being compared to your brother everytime they get a chance!! you dont know what it's like going home to nothing but words of disappointment when you did everything you can to get their approval!! you will never know what it's like for your efforts to go to waste!! you will never know the feeling of being kicked out of your own home and live in a run down apartment!! i work day and night, i lose sleep everyday, i barely have anything for myself to live, and now i have to deal with your ass every single day too?!!"

"(name)! calm down, hey-!"

"fuck off aether!"

every word you spat pricked scaramouche's heart and made him struggle from your assaults. this isn't fun anymore. he knew a bit of your situation, kazuha told him. but he never knew it was this bad. all he knew is about your parent's expectations. he didn't even attempt to fight back this time and just defends himself from your blows. 'shit, i took it too far.'

"you dont have to remind me of my incompetence! i already know, i know damn well i will never be enough!! you're right, why do i even try, right?! you're so fucking annoying, doing everything so effortlessly, like school is a nuisance!! can't i take a fucking break?!!" at this point, you cannot control your tears from falling into his cheeks, rolling down his porcelain skin.

"what are you--?!"

"why can't i be a genius like you?! why dont i have everything that you have?!! i did everything i can, what am i doing wrong?!" you are now saying intangible words that no one can decipher because of the mess of emotions you are feeling at that moment. you're about to deliver another blow when someone held you back.

"(name)! you're doing too much! thats enough!!" goddamn she is stronger than i thought, scaramouche deals with this everyday?? aether pulled you away from the tangled mess that you and scaramouche managed to create. you're struggling his hold but after a bit, you slumped down having no more strength to keep going, sobbing quietly. "...(name)?" aether said.

"...i am so tired of everything, why do i even keep trying. i.. i just want to make my parents proud..." sniffles could be heard from where you are being held my aether's arms. aether supported you from the groud and led you away from the scene and the prying eyes of other students. before you both can disappear completely, aether turned around and gave scaramouche a threatening glare. "i know you both bicker a lot but you took it too far. you are an asshole and you better change that attitude of yours or i will send you home even worse than your condition right now." and you both are gone.

scaramouche is still sitting on the floor, his arm supporting his weight, bruises are forming in his skin while he's craddling his cheek that is now very noticeably red and flaring from the slap you served him earlier. he doesn't know how to act, really. should he apologize? should he just walk away and like nothing happened? should he report you for physical abuse? he didn't know anything.

what he does know though is that he fucked up, big time. he knows that you'll never want to see his face ever again, he knows that nothing will be the same again, and he knows thag the feelings he has will never be reciprocated, after what he's done.

he actually just found out recently, when someone from the other class was making fun of you and he didn't like it one bit, he's the only one allowed to make fun of you, everyone back off. scaramouche can see the crowd dissipating, no longer interested since the main action is gone. he sat there on the floor the whole time, rethinking his life choices, wondering if he said things differently instead of those. would he be seeing you tomorrow? will you still argue with him about nonsensical bullshit? can he still hold your hand whenever you pinch him?

he heard footsteps and before he can look up, someone had smacked him in the head.

"what the fuck-!!"

"i want to say 'are you okay', but to be honest you kinda deserved that." a mop of ginger can bee seen hanging from someone's head.

"fuck off childe, and why did you smack me?!"

"because you deserve it. but y'know, it's nice having front row seats seeing you ruin your life because of that toungue of yours. aether's right you're an ass." he helped scaramouche from the floor, dusting his uniform from the filth. "ill take you to the infirmary." scaramouche can only nod, feeling lethargic after all that energy spent.

he hopes to see you the next day, acting like nothing ever happened.

part 2

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

would i be the asshole for contacting my ex to ask them if they could stop talking about me online to a community that knows who i am? (🥐)

tw: kinda emotionally abusive relationship

bg info

me (24f) and my ex (28) were in a three month relationship three years ago following a whole year of friendship. they were my first partner and i came out as a lesbian to everyone during our relationship. when we were together, they were 24 and i was 20. i was very emotionally dependent on them when i was 20 due to mental health issues and so were they which is probably one of the reasons why our relationship was as explosive as it was. i looked up to them, my whole emotional world revolved around them, and our friendship/relationship was the only thing i had in my life at the time. they constantly asked me "hey is it even ethical that im dating you, im 4 years older, you tell me please, oh i feel like such a bad person", yet, they still continued dating me every time they would ask.

our fights were horrible and truly explosive as they broke their stuff in front of me out of anger, threw things at me and insulted me as stupid, amongst many other things. our fights usually ensued because i would ask them for reassurance and they would start panicking and screaming at me to shut up. to be fair, i would cry every time i was asking for reassurance which probably made them feel scared about losing me, so i consider myself 50% at fault for everything that happened in our relationship, i shouldve been able to talk to them in a secure manner that wouldnt trigger their abandonment issues. our fights were quite jarring and made me walk out on them several times out of fear. yet i always came back and apologized and took the whole accountability, even though i dont consider myself the only one at fault. walking out several times during fights was probably one of the worst things i could have done but at the same time i was simply scared. even when i walked out after our last fight, they begged me to come back, which i did, i apologized under tears, and yet, told them that i cant promise them to stay no matter what.. and left.

we met through tumblr and were in a medium distance relationship. after our relationship, i went to a clinic and had to learn a lot about myself, what i experienced and what i want from life. im in a very happy and healthy place now and since the end of 2021 im with my current partner whom i want to be the love of my life and whom ive started to build a life with.

context

i have my ex blocked on all social media because they used to do hour long deep dives into my blog, even as of recently (i have statcounter installed for my safety bc im paranoid about them sending me anonymous asks). at first i also used to visit their blog after our break up but stopped doing so after moving on with my life. one year after breaking up i temporarily unblocked them and explicitly asked them not to look at my social media (or at least to do it in a way in which i dont notice aka asked them not to watch my instagram stories).

while i dont visit their blog/social media because i dont want to know whats going on in their life, tumblr mutuals frequently dm me stuff like "hey i think you should know that your ex posted about you/shit talks about something that you posted". i havent asked my mutuals to tell me whenever this happens but i imagine they do so because within the tumblr space we exist, everyone kind of knows everyone (so my ex doesnt have to mention my name for people to know who theyre talking about). sometimes mutuals send screenshots of the posts so that i dont have to visit my ex's blog. last ive heard my ex joked about throwing jewelry at me and posted extensively about a tattoo that i got. my ex's behavior makes me uncomfortable and feel just as helpless as i did back then.

why i might be the asshole

im scared that they might be venting because i was more at fault in the relationship than them and that i am unconsciously deflecting. however, i talked about every detail of the relationship and this fear extensively with my therapist, friends, and partner who are of the opinion that i was young, scared, and intertwined in a relationship that was incredibly toxic. im still unsure though because my emotions frequently triggered theirs.

why they might be the asshole

i asked them once to stop visiting my social media and i feel like venting about our relationship that broke off 3 years ago to a tumblr community of friends and acquaintances is kind of unfair. however, i might be the asshole and they might just need the space for venting. i could just ignore the vents and let them heal in their own way from what ensued.

WIBTA if i confronted them again and told them that i want them to stop talking about me online? or would i be a party pooper because every person needs a space for venting?

What are these acronyms?

[dominic-sessa]

life update!!!!

hi hello friends good morning good afternoon good evening its that time of the month again! this isnt really a big life update like the last time bcs i just thought id list down a bunch of things ive had on my mind.

first of all, im very happy to announce that i was able to watch 16 movies last march !! exciting!! i know ive said the last time that i quit the bingewatching thing but HONESTLY im in a work from home setup and the only way to keep me inspired is by watching a movie ... i am yet to find other ways to stay inspired so watching movies will just do for now... ALSO im gonna try to update my newsletter for the first time this year and itll probably be about the movies that i saw this march that i liked ! im now comfortable with turning the newsletter to be more about movies bcs nothing major has been happening in my life lol . so pls stay tuned for that newsletter post if ur interested!

another thing is ive decided to make this blog more personal! for the past year ive made this blog to be more about movies and gifs and stuff, and as much as i love getting the notes and reading ppl's tags, im going to try and make this blog work for me this time :) hope it doesnt get annoying or something... im also in the process of fixing my about pages and tags and all. ive used tumblr since 2012 so im still struggling with the setup. LIKE yes i want to maximize the fact that you can edit html pages and its cute and lets me be creative but at the same time, im on my phone majority of the time . and i dont like being on my laptop after work because ive literally just been using a laptop the whole day. for work. im rly shy to post some stuff about me (bcs i havent done it before fr insert the tom hanks dialogue from joe vs the volcano abt doing some soul searching and coming to the conclusion that hes just boring so he stops doing it) so if u see me doing it as an attempt to fix the personal pages on my blog, im sorry! AAAND as for the gifs thing, im thinking of changing my film diary tag, one thing i really enjoy is taking note of dialogues i love from a movie so i might just do screenshots. i really miss making gifs even though most of the gifs i end up with are LQ , but it just really isnt feasible now . (also some movies are just so tempting to gif LIKEEE valley girl and everytime we say goodbye 😭😭 it physically hurts me that i cant gif josh whitehouse and tom hanks in those movies....)

ALSO im really very very happy that ive gained new followers recently. i enjoy chatting with you guys and get so happy whenever i get the notif that someone sent me an ask/message!! ive been idle on stan twt/fandoms in general so its been a really long time since ive actually... talked to people... it makes me really happy talking to u and im sorry if my happiness doesnt show in my replies/posts. as i said, its been a while since ive done this and i usually go on here as soon as im off work (when my brain is semi-fried and the words are not wording anymore) . i hope i dont come across as bored/uninterested :(

and it isnt just about fandoms too, im genuinely insterested what u guys are up to lately and all... (in a non stalker way). it just feels nice to have friends in general ^__^

SO YEA, i think thats about it :) if u've read this all until here ilysm! thanks for ur interest and lmk how ur day was! or just send me something u want to talk about !

have a nice day :)

[corvidcall]

Fascinated by your sarah z hate- would love to hear more about this if you’d like to share. My experience of her is just that mediocre Homestuck vid or something she made.

lmao yeah sure i guess i can expound on it

i should preface this by saying that i dont think shes like. a bad person. and i dont have some secret knowledge of problematique things shes done that we should all Cancel her for.

tl;dr i just think her videos are really bad. she keeps making videos about stuff that i was there for and then being wrong about them, and it drives me crazy. on top of that, it just rubs me the wrong way to make your whole brand "the lady who talks about tumblr"

like, i think her homestuck video sucks (and i think its very funny that she admitted that she only spent a week making it, but ALSO got really defensive when people said she was wrong about stuff. like, i think the way whatpumpkin and andrew hussie responded to her video was Bad but also that doesnt retroactively defend the original video from being poorly researched and, in my opinion, in bad taste. it was weird to make a video where you talk about all the controversy about hs^2 not that long after the whole project got cancelled because too many of the trans women working on it were receiving daily death threats)

and i think the mcelroys video sucks (that was the last one i watched before i gave up entirely. its really long and very boring, and basically is just her listing a bunch of stuff they did that people had problems with, which essentially puts "travis was annoying on twitch" on the same level of seriousness as "taz: graduation used a lot of harmful native american stereotypes". i genuinely am not sure what the point of this video was supposed to be, because it feels like its her reading a tumblr callout post. also she was wrong about taz: amnesty. the ending WAS foreshadowed, it did NOT come out of nowhere, she just wasnt paying attention.)

but the onceler fandom video is honestly the absolute pits. i am still friends with a lot of the people that i was in the onceler fandom with, and i genuinely havent met a single former onceslut who thought her video was good, or the least bit accurate. her thesis basically boils down to that the onceler fandom was just a bunch of young teen girls projecting fantasies onto a nonthreating decently attractive fictional guy, which isnt that weird and people are only making a big thing about it because they hate teenage girls. and her conclusions arent WRONG, per say, since people DO hate teen girls and this is a thing theyre known to do... its just. thats literally not what the onceler fandom was at all?? first off, when i got into it i was 17 and i was the youngest person i knew by far. almost everyone i saw in the fandom were in their 20s, and a lot of them were not girls at all. and as far as any of US remember, the thing sustained the fandom wasnt 13 year old girls exploring their nascent sexualities, it was people using the barest pretense to make OCs, and then craft stories with and about their friends OCs. it was a really cool unique experience because it was a fandom for the things the fandom built. a lot of the people i knew had never watched the movie The Lorax at all, or didnt really care about it one way or another, but DID get really invested in the dynamic between Swag and One, or got really invested in the two big AUs the fandom had. By the time i got there, most people had kinda moved away from the canon onceler anyway, and were focused almost exclusively on the AUs (there was a high school AU and a zombie apocalypse AU, and then during the summer the high school AU blogs would do a child summer camp AU. i liked the zombie one best because i love melodrama, but the high school one was most popular). i know she was IN the onceler fandom (allegedly...) but as far as i can tell, she was just there at the very start, because it changed WILDLY even just a few months after its inception. and there's no way anyone who saw the fandom that I was actually in would make the sweeping statements about it that she did.

broadly, her videos are too unfocused and not really well-written. her one on Oppa Homeless Style was a genuinely good video!! I know she CAN do good videos!! But so many of her more fandom-focused videos dont really seem to have a thesis beyond "this happened" or maybe even "this was kinda weird right?". like what is the viewer supposed to take away from the video about the mcleroys? that they made a podcast that was really popular and then got less popular? why did that take you TWO HOURS to say? and even when she does have a strong thesis, its always muddied by the fact that she feels compelled to add in really long, boring digressions. I think the video about All or Nothing was good, and made an interesting point about how pan and ace people are really starved for meaningful rep, but i dont understand why she felt compelled to recount the entire plot of the webseries someone made? what did that contribute to the thesis? its like shes reading a wikipedia page, and not like. an actual ESSAY. that someone structured to convey a POINT.

but overall i just take umbrage with her whole "tumblr historian" shtick. i think its kind of gross to put really niche (generally woman-dominated) subcultures on display so people can come gawk at the freaks. ive heard the defense that "she IS a fandom person!! these videos are FOR fandom people!!" but 1. if its supposedly supposed to be for me and NOT an audience of people unfamiliar with the thing shes talking about, then there would be no need to spend so long explaining what everything is, and 2. i can at least say, in my own subjective experience, that i said basically all this to my sister, who told me that thats why she likes sarah z at all, because the videos let her come gawk at all the fandom freaks on tumblr. so its cool that sarah z is giving the person who bullied me my whole life (specifically because the way i engaged with media was too cringe) more reasons to bully me for being cringe. big preesh sarah. glad youre making money off of the free content all of us put out, and even more glad that youre profiting by taking all that free content and presenting it to a largely hostile and judgemental audience who already thinks im a fucking idiot. why dont you make a video about my popular hamlet post next, since you seem to make videos exclusively about things i did.

anyway if i want to watch video essays about fandom, i'll watch princess weekes, whose videos are substantive and not... idk very juvenile. not that i think there cant be more than one youtuber talking about fandom!!! its just that sarah z's videos are mid at best and actively bad at worst, so im not gonna bother.

(all that being said, i occasionally look at her blog and reblog stuff. while shes working down in the tumblr mines looking for content to steal, she does frequently find some decent posts to reblog)

[chilipepperflake]

people you'd like to know better!

thanks for the tag @skijjiki !!!!! i love tag games heheh >:3

3 ships: i havent been a big shipper historically, but im slowly becoming more used to it and those around me shall suffer for it

vashwood: my sad sad catholic gays… they heal me and they hurt me every waking moment. watching tristamp awakened something in me but i cannot bring myself to read trimax or watch trigun 1998 because i know… because i know….

satosugu: theyre the only thing from jjk i gave a shit about in s2 im sorry ^^;; i love watching angst edits to sad music and thinking about what could have been

Yuki and Itsuomi: it’s been a hot minute since ive watched such a good and wholesome romance anime!!! The last episode in particular made my heart so full ;v; i would lay down my life for both of them. oushi can get rotated

First ship: naruto and sasuke LMAO…. i joined tumblr originally to blog about naruto and i didnt even know what shipping really was back in the day but i knew there was something about the amvs that spoke to me

Last song: Hollow Hunger (cover by Octavio)!! I don’t know the words but i like making noises to the melody

Currently reading: technically im not reading anything rn but my friend lent me the first 4 vols of given and i checked out the first 3 of a sign of affection from the local library >:) as soon as i get a few school things done i will beam them into my eyeballs

Last film: Breaking dawn pt 1: a friend was indignant about my never having seen the twilight movies so we’re in the process of watching them! I made it through the first three movies with minimal psychic damage…. but this one (HOOBOY) uhhh i was suffering… i could write volumes on the bullshit that was breaking dawn pt. 1. Im kind of scared for part 2 (at this point i support no one but charlie to be real with you)

Currently craving: i got a polvoron in a bag on my desk that’s calling my name rn but im saving it for when i finish my schoolwork;;

Again thank u sm for the tag my beloved mutual -v-

I’ll tag @icecat @thembo-pastelle @catcatcatcatcatcatsbutts !!! no pressure though !!!

over and out

[wewontdieunbloomed]

this is part two of unlearning the bad things i unconsciously learnt from last year.

part one was the negative default pessimism i fall in to, which i keep calling it me being emo which means i dwell in my “misery” for far too long, instead of trying to think of something positive to get myself moving out of the bad zone i am in. as we are often told, sadness and negativity gets comforting, it feels like you are protecting yourself. but one cannot see beauty in life and find joy for oneself if one does not make oneself vulnerable.

and so making myself vulnerable is what ive been doing. trying to romanticise this state that im in, a liminal space, at crossroads. its not the most ideal, too many things are unknown and for the first time in my life im dealing with having barely any structure to my days, with nothing to do yet so much i should do.

it took me quite a while to stop lamenting this unknown and start returning to the foundations i built this blog and my entire philosophy off, the whole concept of “lest we die unbloomed” of making sure i dont realise one day ive wasted my time. and in small parts i like to think ive made progress on that

the focus now is the second part. i lost a lot of my attention span and impulse control, and today i reached a horrible point where i am sitting on the kitchen floor at 9 with no dinner, having ruined my microwave dinner out of a lack of common sense. i am not sure if all this recent muddling is because of covid brain fog or the horrifying amount of screen time i have had recently, but i was so sick of it. i have done a lot of things on impulse recently, and though today i had a really fulfilling day spending time with people i havent in a long time, when i got home and im back to reality of the things i havent done and been procrastinating for too long on, i felt horrible. this need to change, i realised.

so this is part two. it calls back to one of the values i set as something important to myself, being honest with myself. i know what im doing now is not working. i know that even though i use my planner im not sticking to it. i know my todo lists are not helping me. then why do i stubbornly stick to methods i know dont work? i told myself a year ago i would not change my system if it doesnt need to be changed. i have forgotten that i need to change it when it does. how silly! so im changing.

so in the last 2 hours in order to get myself up ive written todo lists on paper instead of in my journal. used a timer for every single step from shower to sweeping the floor to brushing my teeth. enough lazing around and letting simple things occupy too much time. its a parkinsons law thing.

enough doomscrolling and opening instagram when i have nothing to do. im setting a limit for a block of time in the day where i am not allowed to use social media, pwrhaps not any internet at all. i need to make drastic change, even if it seems inconsequential. it might not be academic but its personal. and my personal life and what i want to do with my time is worth taking big measures for, because it should be more important than all that revision for exams i used to do.

so the point f this ramble is to clear things out with myself. make some sense of whats goijg on. have a direction. tomorrow i have an interview. ill come home and do the chores i have to. prepare for my afternoon activity. go for lunch and my afternoon appointment. go for a run. buy dinner. write my applications. research on uni stuff. read a book. and all the other tint things i need to give more importance to even though they seem inconsequential. it sa new mantra ive gotten into ever since part one of this. that “this is the way” this is the new way. enough lazing. its time to go hard and be rurhless. take things up a notch because when else can i do it? go big from experiences to measures i have to take to discipline myself. this is the way.

04.04.2023

[twistedtummies2]

if you run a kink/fetish blog you really shouldnt be putting stuff in the main tags. the main tags are not an 18+ space, theyre for minors and adults alike, and kink stuff doesnt belong there. i havent reported you yet because i want to give you a chance to reflect and change your behavior, but if i keep seeing you in the main/character tags, i will flag the posts and your blog as sensetive content. as someone who was affected by seeing a lot of fetish stuff at a young age bc of irresponsible fandoms, im very passionate about this topic. i dont care if you publish this or not.

I was never aware that the tags apparently are "age managed." Plenty of people do things of this nature without having to worry about stuff like this. I also was not (and am not) aware of what "main tags" are. So I sincerely do not know what you are referring to, specifically. And if you wish to call me out and claim I'm playing dumb...no, I'm not playing, I sincerely have no clue. I honestly have never seen any reason or known of any reason to monitor my tags, so I have not done so for that reason above all else. IF, from the way you're speaking, this is some sort of unspoken rule on Tumblr, or if I perhaps missed something way, way back when I joined the site, then I apologize and I am perfectly willing to "change my behavior," as you put it, because the last thing I want is to scar young innocent people for life, the way you claim happened to you. However, having said that, I would like to say two more things. One, there is no reason to threaten me with reporting like this. One other person came to me some time ago to tell me that, evidently, the "g/t" tag is one that is meant for all ages, so I shouldn't use it. I thanked them, apologized, and I no longer use that tag. They, in turn, thanked me, apologized in case they seemed rude, and then moved on with their life. Like I said, I am totally willing to change my practices if that is something that HAS to happen; I do not like breaking the rules. But your rudeness is not appreciated, by seemingly assuming that I am doing this maliciously. A simple "you shouldn't use these specific tags" would have been well and good, then I'd know to either change how I manage that matter, or stop wielding them altogether. Two, and most importantly...if this stuff offends you and bothers you so much, then you have no reason to look at my page. And I do not believe my little kink blog is some blight upon whatever taglines you're referring to; if by "main tags" you're referring to things like my more analytical pieces that have nothing to do with kinks, there's not much I can do there, especially since those AREN'T kink-based. As far as I can perceive, those are doing no harm. If by "main tags" you're referring to character names or whatever...I can search a character name and find tons upon tons of stuff that has nothing to do with kinks long before I run into anything related to my interests. I know, I've tried. My work and others doesn't really pop up too often, UNLESS I'm specifically looking for the kink in conjunction. Also, I should think that anyone reading it will realize it's not for them and turn away.

I appreciate your concern, and I understand it...but do not dictate things like this to me as if you run the website, or have the right to decide what people will or will not post. If you would care to discuss this in a civil and polite manner, please feel free to contact me via PM, so we can engage in such discourse. Until then, I will continue to tag things the way I always have, not because I am trying to hurt anyone, but because it simply the most obvious way I know how. If that bothers you so much, then tell me how to fix it, don't simply say "stop it or I'll report you" when I'm not even really sure what I'm doing wrong. There are many others like me. We are not animals. We are not monsters. And we are not out to hurt anyone. We just want to write our silly, kinky nonsense and keep to ourselves. Do not engage in witch hunts as if we are some hideous plague upon the universe. Most of us are just lonely geeks who want a place to express our darker side. Thank you.

[borathae]

hey sibi! Ive been a silent reader for a few good months. I recently saw an obssesion on your blog about one of the SA characters, I think it was tae??? but I am quite not sure. Anyways, since I kept seeing posts of SA, I kept it in mind and looked in your masterlist. I realized that SA stood for Sanguis Alpha, and added it to my reading list. I finally had the urge and time to read it, and when I tell you that I read this book in 2 days(including today). Its a bit crazy cuz I was so hooked I kind of procrastinated other stuff just to read SA. This book is so so good, your writing is immaculate and the way the characters developed and grew. UGH It’s just so amazing. The way the reader cant help but fully immerse themselves in the story. Its just so GOOD. I genuinely have not felt so strongly for a book in a while. While reading SA, I felt so many emotions. Sadness, happiness, hornyness🫣🫣, shyness, stomach butterflies, and so many more emotions. I just really wanna praise you for the book and your mind is genuinely genius. I have a question though, I just finished reading the last chapter and saw that in the comments you talked of a sequel. You said the sequel would involve yoonkook coming back home after a bit and saying they havent found namjoon, tae and oc join them on the journey to find namjoon as they go through different countries, poly relationship between the 4, working through old grudges, trying to stay together even though life is hard, hobi and jin making an appereance and deeper emma storyline. So, is this sequel still in the talks? or has it been scratched and SA universe is truly done?

Even if the sequel has been scratched off I stil love the book and appreciate SA so much. I would love the sequel to be written since it seriously just sounds SOO good but it is your choice! . Again, thank you so much for writing Sanguis Alpha and making me feel so many emotions that I havent felt in quite awhile. Not only that, but the book actually taught me some valuable lessons and reminded me of some stuff, so thank you for that as well.

So sorry for the long message, I did not mean to write such a long message but it kind of just happened 😅😅😅

Love you! Hope you have an amazing day or night and I hope you are doing okay 💕.

I love you so much :( thank you so much for this lovely message. Gosh, it truly means the world to me 🥺😭

I also have good news for you! I finished the second book last week and I want to start editing it once I feel better again. Look forward to it in early 2023 💜

[andsalttheearthbehindyou]

hiiiiiiiiii

ok im gonna rant for a little bit below if anyones interested about what ive been doing and where ive been these past months

soooo ive never been the type of person to see my future very clearly. ive never had long term motivations, goals, or desires. i had never thought of myself as such a listless person because i had such strong aspirations in reference to school and academia but that was it. i graduated highschool in 2020 and went straight to college, still not knowing what i wanted to do, just knowing that i wanted to be the best at whatever i did. i defined myself by my accomplishments and the speed at which i achieved them. i graduated a few months ago with my bachelors (in 2 years!!!!) and this was something i was so proud of myself for, but i felt so much inner turmoil because of it. and thats because i felt like id done all these things and i thought i wouldve figured out what id want to do by that point, but i still hadnt figured it out. 

im 21 now (celebrated my bday in january :) u all better leave me belated wishes below) and i know that im still young, but i felt so frustrated with the life i had led until now, the wasted efforts and useless skills. i felt like i had so much to offer but nowhere to apply and nothing to show for it. id also struggled with things like doing what i love but not being financially successful versus doing something that i know will make me financially successful and being a happy person because of that. 

i wont lament too much on my passion for publishing, because ultimately it came down to the fact that i dont think its smart to invest in a profession that likely wont result in me being successful in the way that i want to be. what i will harp on here is how happy and proud i am of myself for being brave enough to embark on my law school journey!! im going to law school!!! im so happy!!!!!! i promise (literal nervous anxiety tears streaming down my cheeks rn)!! i know that it is so much money and so much work, but i know that this is what i need to do to feel accomplished in life, to see the fruits of my labor and know that everything ive done hasnt been for naught. i studied for my lsat for months and months (main reason i was m.i.a.) and finally took it a few days ago. im gonna have to start applying to schools soon sighhh but im actually really excited to start despite all the stress i know its gonna cause me lol. im also going to have a summer break (something i havent had since high school) !!!!!!! im going to be alone and let myself rest and be happy. im going to cook and clean and read and write and do things i love before hunkering down and being a little recluse nerd again in school (something i also love!!!! such a huge part of my personal identity and something i love about myself is my ties to school/academia and being a student) 

if youve read this far, thank you for your interest in my life!?! im not always right in the head and when i last abandoned this blog (and the other one) i know that i was definitely off my rocker but ive been taking steps to recovering my mental health in that regard too. i wont talk much about that but im doing better. being offline, setting boundaries and giving myself goals helped  a lot. im also properly medicated lol.

anyway much love & thx for tolerating me

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

Some good news with the heart thing! I’m finally coming down from the mountain town I’ve been living in (for the past like,,, year) that’s 4+ hours away from my doctors office, so now I’ll finally be close enough to have a doctors appointment!

Hopefully she takes the heart thing more seriously than the last one I was at, (since that was the cardiologist that just told me to drink salt water and add extra salt to every meal when I mentioned a family history of kidney problems).

I also was supposed to have bloodwork done like 6 months ago for testosterone and cholesterol levels, but there was pretty much no where for me to do that in the mountains. But hey! At least I’ll probably get my explody heart officially diagnosed!

-💛

GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD PLEASE DO NOT DIE OF HEART EXPLODE!!!! if u do it on the premises of my blog ill have 2 write soooooo much paperework :((( and get fined for "toxic lead fumes" and "singlehandedly reopening the hole in the ozone layer" and "tax evasion" so lets all not die yeeeyyyyyy!!!

also protip: tell your doctor that someone else told u to look into a thing. don't go "i think i have [thing,]" say "my coworker/friend/mother/father/whoever told me that it might be [thing.]" it works for some weird reason idk. if its a family history of the problem then say it was one of ur parents or ur uncle or smth. this might also work for "my mother/father/other doctor told me that i shouldn't do [dumbass suggestion] because of [reason why its stupid for you to do it]" but i personally havent tried it

good luck~!!!!!!! hopefully ur appointment didnt happen already cuz this is from 4 days ago whoopsie!!

[kh4]

why are you on a twitter byf?

hi, youre actually not the first person to tell me this tonight! i Also have no idea why im on a blacklist. i want to clear some stuff up because i was told this three (3) times. i dont exactly like that i have to reply to this publicly because i dont even make personal posts but i think this whole thing is out of hand and has been for a while.

im putting this under a Read More because its long and im finally able to air out some of my feelings about the situation.

TLDR: devin has lurked and kept tabs on me for three years and its exhausting that i have to address it like this of all places. if you need proof or anything feel free to dm me.

this is soooo. okay so i met this person in 2019 from the best of my memory because ive been trying for about an hour to get onto my old blog but i cant remember the login at all, and she and i had done a few dms just about whatever. and then she wanted to make these two kin doubles who hated each other or something be friends again, please note we all shared the same kin, and stirred up some problems.

then, after this happened, her host (or she did? regardless she admitted that she was involved in the creation) had made a callout blog for one of them despite my attempt to steer this off from happening, and i was ignored. i think my last message to her directly, and im not kidding here, was in jan 2020 (three full years ago!).

after this i made the choice, for myself, to soft her on tumblr. i no longer wanted anything to do with the situation, i think kin drama is stupid and im sure it was more personal than kin things from what she had told me, but i had no intention of being involved further. or know any of these people. like at all. after i softed her, she made a post about taking a hiatus after she deleted the callout blog and thats it from what i know about her tumblr because it was deleted soon after iirc.

8 months later she tried to follow my twitter, and i recognized her. i considered it a lottt, but i really didnt want that kind of energy stirring up things again in my life because 2020 was an absolute fucking Disaster of a year enough. so i softed her from my twitter because of this for my own mental health.i havent had a direct message with her since early 2020.

i know nothing about her, her life, anything because i wanted as much distance from that whole situation as possible. i didnt get to know her well enough with her to call her my friend or anything, and everything that happened so soon after we did start talking really made me not feel like i wanted to be friends or get to know her better if this was her vibe. she has made posts about missing me, when i feel as though i never warranted the title of friend at all because she basically just vented to me a couple times before this started and i didnt and still dont have the energy to deal with that kind of person.

i have found out, however, she has fucking LURKED me likely for three years. shes posted about how ensemble stars reminds her of an ex friend (which, she didnt get to know me enough to be my friend, and its pretty obvious this post is about me because my special interest is ensemble stars) and i got into it in mid 2020 so she shouldnt possibly know i ever got into it without lurking me. its some creepy shit ill be honest with you.

she knew and made posts about how my psychotic ass had delusions about being w/ilbur ds-p from nov 2021- mid 2022 because i like. Was in a horrible state and related to how self destructive he was or whatever but i got better and got my life together and dont do that at all anymore. i dropped it and i have most terms blacklisted (and the series itself) because it reminds me of those racist assholes and also of a horrible time in my life im still recovering from.

i have no fucking clue how this could affect her or she would even know. seeing as this was wayyyyy beyond the time i knew her. however this proves she was lurking me to myself and people who know me personally… we're all insanely confused. shes had no reason to keep up with anything about me for three years and im pretty much sick of it haha. ive been quietly freaking out over how scary shes been acting about me and whatever idealized version of what or who i was she had assumed during the very short time i knew her because i didnt want to start anything.

thank you for reading this. i hope this stops soon because i dont want to keep dealing with something thats happened 3 years ago and it happened because i didnt even want to be involved in things. its just unfair and makes me feel insanely uncomfortable im still a hot topic for her even though she hasnt messaged me or anything since following my twitter and being softed. it makes me feel weird and its just weird to me.

[maryse127]

I havent gotten Xeno3 yet. Wanted to hear your thoughts if thats okay please 💕

Sure! I hardly blogged about because I spammed my mutual about my experience through dms so here is the abridged version!

Game is HUGE. Absolutely huge world. It's pretty but if I am being completely honest a bit less diverse in terms of environment than say Xenoblade 1. There is a LOT to explore and even areas the main story doesn't take you at all or untill a fetch quest in the last chapter. This resulted in me being incredibly overlevelled for a while in chapter 3 because I explored on of those areas instead of progressing the story.

The chapters are really long. The story is awesome and pretty dark. The characters are amazing and their group dynamics even more. I love this cast and I hope the dlc continues their story as opposed to the prequel dlc that was Torna. The story made me cry multiple times. It's been a week since I beat the game and I am still not okay. I love them so much.

My enjoyment of the game was kinda suppressed by me rushing the game to be done with the story before going on vacation with my parents. I hated the final boss. I died on the final phase and had to start over from my last save (game autosaves before the boss so at least they improved that over Future Connected) this is a long ass boss tho and the boss arena made me kinda dizzy and disoriented so I wasn't happy to do it all over again.

The game runs surprisingly well. Sometimes the music stutters and it gives me a heartattack because I am way too anxious about games crashing. I had one very bad stutter in the gameplay itself which seemed random as I was just walking around a town and not in super chaotic combat. Combat can be very chaotic. With 7 partymembers and lots of numbers and area of effect buffs flying around it can be hard to keep track of what is going on. I think you can reduce the amount of things on screen in the settings tho. I have seen some reports of crashes on twitter so save often to be sure. I am a big fan of the quick save option. There is one save file you can save to by just pressing y on the menu screen. Did that everytime I opened the menu. You also have auto save and three normal save slots. Big improvement over 2 and X.

The music in this game is god tier. There are also musical throwbacks to Xenoblade 1 and 2. Seriously was surprised at how much I liked the music in this game. The chain attack music is controversial tho. It's really good but it overrides boss themes which is a shame.

Combat mechanics are introduced steadily over the course of the story. I was annoyed I couldnt cancel arts into arts for a long time but that was because I spend so much time sidequesting instead of main story.

One thing I dislike about quests is that when you need collectibles they dont show on the map like in DE. They are marked when you encounter them in the field which is nice but you have to find out where they spawn by yourself (or the internet as guides slowly are being made). The map fills in as you explore which I am also not the biggest fan of.

Combat is fun and there are a lot of classes to unlock and play. When you switch classes make sure to check your equipment and arts. The game autobuilds a character for you when you put them in a new class for the first time. When you switch back to a class you used before the build is the same as you left it but still check it. You might have put an accessory on another character and you will have ulocked more arts and skills. It makes class changing a bit of a chore but the results can be very rewarding.

I haven't been able to play for like a week bit I look forward to doing more quests and there is some very interesting post game content I wanna dive into more.

So yeah, definitely a really good game I would certainly recommend but Xenoblade 1 (specifically de version) remains my favorite game for now. Like I said I rushed and had a bad time with the final boss and my own anxiety about possible crashes (it had one stutter in 104 hours of gameplay so the game is honestly really solid but my brain is just an anxious mess) make it unable to beat Xenoblade 1 for me. Then again that game has had my heart for 6 years now so it's very hard to beat. The darker tone of the story is nice. Really nice to have a serious game after Xenoblade 2. But me playing that for 104 hours in 2 weeks did weigh down on me. So don't be like me and pace it out more. It sure does have its light and funny and sweet moments of course. But the world these kids live in is cruel, very cruel.

My biggest issues with 2 were sexualization and me personally just really not liking Rex and those issues were solved in this games. I like the characters in this game a lot and there is no sexualization. Lanz took the longest time to grow on me and he is still my least fave probably but there are no bad or unlikable characters in this main party. Also sexualization is not or barely in this game. Like a few big chest characters but not as revealing or emphasized as 2 did.

Been a while since a game or any piece of media had such an emotional impact on me. Especially chapter 5, the start of 6 and the ending. I want more story about these characters. I want more fanart of my new otp. I want that story dlc quickly and I need it to be about the future of these characters. I miss them.

Anyway loooong post, good game. Made me ugly cry, would recommend!

[thetruthlsoutthere]

I'm back? ish - A

If any of you are still here:

i have not gone anywhere and i am not going anywhere unless i am deliberately silenced. Life has just had me swept up in all its glories and chaos outside of this blog that i use to document all weird things save for also doing so on paper. This is MY life and i know what i have seen, heard, experienced, what cannot be logically explained. I accept whole heartedly respectful debate/debunking but nothing is going to make me belief any less of all this stuff, most especially: that ALL of them have been, are, and will always be worth fighting for.

Basically: my severe depression has been getting REALLY bad lately and has led my mind to dark places again. {STILL HAVENT DONE ANYTHING IN ACTION and don't want or intend to}, been focusing on loved ones and needed things i have done and need to do for myself, trying to keep up and continue with self care so i can genuinely be a healthier person mentally and emotionally. Lastly, i just have been debated back and forth about how to go about updating.

Things have gone stagnant and not as active to an extent for a bit of time but i digress? Considering the fact that things have been weird before i was born, up to my birth and after to even today {I am 26 years old} , None of the weird / strange / unknown / unexplainable ever stops with me and it has proven it never will.

Had an extensive/deep conversation with a friend on here about this.

Importantly listed is this link: { https://www.tumblr.com/thetruthlsoutthere/649933649907695616/things-that-could-be-considered-normal-for-me?source=share&_branch_match_id=945849901175330215&_branch_referrer=H4sIAAAAAAAAAw2JyxGAIAwFK4roeNCxGxQ0jIFoeBzsXm77YeCpm3MeA1rexYZDswNHWANL1YYuFntK5aoE9qBDmwTaY4dSU%2Bg7UFHLXuhUoxydjIvH%2FK3vxPcP7HRBnGMAAAA%3D }

in that link listed above: anything from that, that hasn't been too active or at all lately is #'s possibly 10, 17, and 18.

keep in mind that for anyone who believes, follow this link of your own free will: { https://www.tumblr.com/thetruthlsoutthere/654900815559098368/suggested-ideas-that-work-that-i-think-can-work }

^^ While i am always keeping an eye, ear, etc out to watch out for anything, i have only been doing #5.

IMPORTANT NOTE: i want to get back into the rest of the numbers listed in the second link, which include updating you all on this blog, since i last really did. To not push myself by putting alot/most or all of it in one massive post, im just going to update on what i have to update on in series of posts.

If you have come to the end of this post: Thank you from the bottom of my heart for still sticking around, i appreciate it more than you could ever know. It means a lot to know i am not alone in all this belief, but including the things we deal with in our lives outside of it.

if ANYONE has anything they wish to share, please do not ever hesitate to send me a message, anonymous or non anon asks here on Tumblr from this blog of mine AS WELL AS my tellonym as listed in my pinned post, and lastly: my email truthbehindthemysteries@gmail.com .

Always with love and care

-A

[caplanbuckybarnes]

here’s weirder asks

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

something you’ve kept since childhood?

how do you feel about chilly weather?

what type of music keeps you grounded?

is there a song you know every word to by heart?

how many times have you changed your url?

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

favorite holiday film?

can you skip rocks?

Jack Kline from SPN, Raymond Reddington from The Blacklist, Dean Winchester from SPN & Aang from The Last Airbender

Niether, i'm a tea drinker instead

no, absolutely not lol.

my life

it's okay, i suppose.

Whatever i feel like listening to atm, tbh.

*looks at my Apple Music*

Twice on this blog, but in general maybe 4 times?

Tiktok & Reddit

How the Grinch Stole Chrostmas- the one with Jim Carey specifically

I havent done it since i was i kid, but i think i still can lol.