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restinslices · 2 years

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100 Reasons Why I Love You

Polaris looks back on a gift Cedric gave her after attending his funeral.

“Can I get you anything?”, Remus asked softly. His head peaked into Polaris’ room. His hands resting against the door frame.

Polaris shook her head no. Her shoulders felt as if someone was pressing against them all day, and she now had a post crying headache. She just wanted to rest and see if she could somehow forget all of this even happened.

Remus nodded in response. “Let me know if that changes. I’m here”. Remus shut the door behind him and Polaris was finally allowed to be alone. She loved her dad and how understanding and supportive he was, but being around people just exhausted her. It’s like her energy had a timer that only lasted so long when around people. It made her feel guilty.

She never felt that way around Cedric.

The bobby-pins slipped out her hair, and she felt a cold breeze against her skin when she slipped off her black dress and changed into her pajamas - a baggy grey t shirt and plaid shorts -. She didn’t want to check in with Remus, or Mr. Diggory, or send an owl to any of her friends. She just needed rest, then she’d surely feel better.

Polaris looked around her room and let out a deep sigh. Her room was a mess. Everything was out in the open; clothes piled on both the floor and was taking up space on her bed, her curtains were closed, the light that usually faced her bed was facing the door instead, her reading books laid untouched on a chair in the corner, and things were spilling out her bag from where she threw it when school ended.

“Where’s my wand?”, she wondered out loud. She hadn’t taken it with her to the funeral and she could’ve sworn she put it on top of her nightstand where she usually puts it.

She rummaged through her entire room, looking under the piles of clothes, under her bed, even checking her dresser and under her pillows before she gave up with an annoyed groan.

She threw her door open,

“Dad! Where’s my wand?” She called through the hallway.

“You threw it in your nightstand before we left!”, he called back. Polaris rolled her eyes, of course she checked everywhere but inside the nightstand. She called out a quick thanks before closing her door.

She pulled on the knob that opened the nightstand, and while her wand was in there, her eyes landed on something else;

A mason jar with a yellow ribbon around it. Sitting next to it was a white envelope that hadn’t been opened.

Her fingers wrapped around the mason jar, her vision becoming blurry as the forming tears blocked her vision. She never thought she’d hold it again.

~~~

The sun was still high in the sky on

Christmas Eve but it didn’t do a single thing to help. Polaris still had to wipe snow off the bench before setting the box down and sitting next to it, and she could still hear kids throwing snowballs at each other.

Her legs bounced in anticipation, she knew Cedric had to love her gift. If only he was on time though…

“Polaris!”, she turned her head to look to the side of her, a wide smile appearing on her face as she saw the hufflepuff carefully jog towards her.

“You’re 10 minutes late Diggory”, Polaris announced as she stood up. She wiped away snow that somehow got on her butt as Cedric grimaced,

“I know. I got caught up with-”

“Another fan?”

“You make it sound like I’m a celebrity”

“You’re a Triwizard Champion. It’s essentially the same for us”.

Cedric shook his head but didn’t argue.

“Who goes first?”

“I go first!”, Polaris exclaimed with excitement. She nudged the box towards him - although it still sat on the bench -. Cedric shimmied the top of the box off, his eyes examining everything. At first, he saw a bunch of candy he was familiar with, but then he saw candy he was unfamiliar with. His eyebrows knitted together,

“What is all this?”

“You always say you’re interested in muggle things, so I got a bunch of muggle candy you can try. Like look-“, she pointed at a bag, “- skittles! Have you ever heard of anything as weird as that?!” Her excitement earned a laugh from Cedric.

“I know I usually can’t get you anything besides knitting you something but-”

“Polaris, stop. I love everything you get me”, Cedric said in a surprisingly stern voice.

“Ok! Ok!”, Polaris said in defeat with her hands in the air, “do you like it?”

“Is that a question? Ok, now my turn. Turn around.”

Polaris raised an eyebrow but didn’t argue. She turned and stood still, only jumping slightly when she felt Cedric put something around her neck. Her hand raised to where she felt this sudden coldness; it was a necklace. She turned around while looking at the necklace. The necklace was a silver chain, but what caught her attention was the big thing attached to it. It was a silver pendant, but inside of it was a picture of a drawn hand, it’s pinkie out with a red string attached to it.

Polaris looked up to see Cedric pointing at his own chest, he was wearing an identical necklace but the hand had its palm facing outwards unlike Polaris’.

“There’s this… muggle thing I’ve heard about. I don’t know how to explain it. But I’ve heard them discuss having a red string attaching you to your soulmate, so I had these made. Although, we’d be more platonic soulmates.” Cedric explained. Polaris had never heard of this concept but muggles were such strange people, she didn’t question it. Instead she just looked at the picture while smiling,

“I take it you like it?”

“You know I do”

Cedric nodded, “good, because I have one more and NO complaining”. Polaris’ swore Cedric could’ve read her mind, as she was just about to complain about how she only got him one thing and didn’t want him spending all his money on her.

Cedric reached into his bag, digging around a bit before pulling out a sealed white envelope and a mason jar with tons of small scrolls in them. Polaris once again raised an eyebrow, looking at Cedric as she couldn’t even guess what it was.

“You proposing to me Cedric? You know I don’t like men right?”, she joked. Cedric let out a fake chuckle,

“If only”, he handed the jar to her. She looked at it, before glancing at Cedric who nodded at her, giving her the ok to open it.

She unscrewed the top, pulled out one of the scrolls and read the writing on it

“Your smile makes me smile” she read, “what’s this?”

“I have written 100 reasons why I love you and once you’re done with all of those, you can open this”, he handed her the envelope, “seriously though. Don’t open that until you’re done”.

“Yeah yeah, I got it”, she responded.

“The necklace is so everyone knows who my number one supporter is once I win the tournament and all of that… uhhh you’ll find out when you finish”.

~~~

Polaris never did finish.

She read one everyday, but with school she just ended up forgetting. Between Harry and his midlife crisis, school, hanging with Cedric then writing home, she just ended up missing a lot of days but she’d slip every paper she read in a small pocket in her bag so she didn’t mix them up. And after Cedric died… she just put it away. She didn’t wanna read reasons why Cedric loved her. He shouldn’t have loved her. He shouldn’t have loved her when she didn’t stop him from putting his name in that goblet.

She wiped her tears away with her free hand. She looked down, seeing she still had that necklace on.

She flopped on her bed, her slouching over as the jar still stayed in her hands. All she felt was confusion. She didn’t think Cedric should’ve loved her, so she didn’t wanna read the rest of what he wrote. But she knew they had a bond no one else did, and the necklace reminded her of Cedric so she kept it on. She didn’t know what she wanted at this point or what she was even thinking.

Even though all this went through her head, she still found herself unscrewing the top and pulling out one of the scrolls

‘You listen to me’.

~~~

Polaris thought that would be it.

That she’d put the jar away, grab her wand, clean her room and just forget she ever read that. She couldn’t though. Every time she set her wand on that nightstand, all she wanted to do was open it and read another. Read another piece of paper that Cedric wrote on when he was still alive. Another note that he wrote her as a gift and wanted her to read. At some point she couldn’t stand it. She grabbed all the papers she already read, put them back in the jar, shook it and started all over again, counting the one she read after the funeral as number one. And she read one every single day when she woke up until she went through them all.

2. ‘Your laugh is horrendous, but I love hearing it’

4. ‘You’re supportive’

8. ‘You’re hilarious’

16. ‘You’re an amazing and nice person’

32. ‘You make me feel like I can get through anything’

64. ‘You’ve taught me what love is, even if it’s platonic’

70. ‘Your presence comforts me’

82. ‘You push me to be better’

90. ‘You know all the things that make me happy’

95. ‘You make me wanna do my best’

The last one was a repeat;

100. ‘Your smile makes me smile’.

Finally, her hand held the envelope.

She had finally read every single slip of paper, this was the only thing left. She took a deep breath, opened the envelope and pulled out the paper inside.

‘ To: Polaris.

I’ve scrapped four of these letters. I just can’t seem to make my words make sense. Hopefully this makes sense because my hand is starting to hurt.

You may think “wow Cedric, this is really corny”, and I know it is. I just didn’t know how else to do this. I couldn’t talk your ear off and tell you all the reasons I love you, so I wrote it.

I know you have problems with yourself. You tell me about them. Usually when it’s late at night and you’re staying over, or if you’re so stressed that it spills over. You say you don’t think you’re a good person. How you’re scared you may hurt someone during a full moon, but don’t wanna tell Mr. Lupin because you don’t wanna worry him or hurt his feelings. You say you don’t think you’re the prettiest. Or you worry about how your dad may react to you not being straight. Or you say other negative things. And I don’t mean to be dismissive but every time I hear this I think “what is she talking about? How could she think this?”. I just can’t understand how someone as great as you could think such terrible things about yourself. And sure, me saying how amazing you are probably won’t help as much as I wish it would, but it’s better than doing nothing. Now that I have a bigger space to write, I can say this. Polaris Lily-May Lupin, you are the greatest person I’ve ever met in my entire life. You’ve given me hope. You’ve helped me be courageous. You’ve brightened my day when it seems dark. You’ve loved me no matter what and you’ve shown me what a soulmate is. It’s not someone you’re romantic with. I mean, it can be. It can be someone you kiss and hold but it doesn’t have to be. A soulmate is someone who listens. Someone who loves you no matter what, and when an obstacle comes they fight it with you. They give you a reason to fight. They make you laugh, and when you think of them in danger or hurt, it tears you in two. Am I making sense? I hope so.

So hopefully, on days where you feel negative you can read one of the slips in that jar. You have no excuse now, because I’ve written 100 reasons why I love you.’

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