#he also seems to feel trapped when romantic relationships get too serious and I find it relatable is all

[muchemoaboutnothing]

x

[williamkisser]

♡— Fake dating with the Cowboy

♡— my second fic on this acc!! Yippee!!! I should probably open requests… anyways, thank you to @fishermanshook for showing me the „fake dating” prompt, i IMMEDIATELY knew what character is going to be a great fit for this story! Hope you enjoy!

♡— Warnings: g/n reader, word count is 1100, slightly angst, sort of an unhealthy, manipulative relationship… but it’s all done for the greater good - isn’t it…?

♡— Kevin Ayuso was a man far from being subtle. Which is also the reason you connected the dots and very quickly found out the manor’s own cowboy has got his eyes on you.

♡— Kevin Ayuso, who under mysterious circumstances sailed here all the way from America, knew more than one or two things about how cruel, hypocritical and selfish the mankind could be. He experienced betrayal from his own parents, which resulted in his best friend getting murdered.

♡— Almost everyone in this cursed place had something serious hidden behind their ears. There were murderers, psychopats, outcasts… and yes, while you couldn’t exactly „die” outside of the games - still, being beaten up or violated maybe wasn’t the nicest way of spending your average Monday afternoon, though, does anyone in here even keep track of the time?

♡— Among everyone, he saw something special radiating from you. You weren’t like the others, he knew. There was no malicious intention behind your participation for the prize, right? Well, even if there was, it was now far too late. The cowboy’s mind already deep into delusion and desire to shield you from what’s evil.

♡— Kevin, upon his arrival to Oletus Manor, swiftly obtained the title of a huge flirt. He would try to flirt with almost everyone, men and women, he always got weird stares aimed at him, but he didn’t care. The cowboy was someone undisciplined, liberated, and who couldn’t be tamed. Surely, someone being disgusted by him wouldn’t be a big deal for the man. And besides that, despite all, he is someone extremely respected by the manor residents. All survivors could feel safe near him and his lasso. He was someone unexpectedly reliable. Little did everyone know, literally none of his romantic attempts were honest. Okay, maybe a few…

♡— Not a single person knew, because he refused to talk about his past. He didn’t even like thinking about it. The thought of losing someone close again sent shivers down Kevin’s spine. He promised, both to himself and his past friend, that he’s going to protect the person who accepts and trusts him until his final breath. That someone was you. Yes, maybe slightly manipulating someone into fake love wasn’t something a beloved cowboy should do, but is there any other way?

♡— So, when he began approaching you more frequently, you understood the intent very clear. You were next. You knew you’re not special and he’s did it with so many people, in fact, when you were the freshest blood of Oletus, you were specifically told to be vary of him by a certain perfumer woman. Seems like she went through a rough path because of him.

♡— But…. there was just something about Kevin Ayuso that rubbed you the right way. He was just so thoughtful, romantic, and on top of that handsome. The cowboy already had experience and exactly knew how to get through your shell. It was a classic court game, someone could say. Starting from the smallest simple signs and gestures: smiling to you more often, playfully winking… then, during the matches, he did all in his power to keep you safe from the hunter. You’re not getting hurt on his watch. It all ended with you receiving roses and trinkets under your door, even a poem - though, you were sure it wasn’t his creation. You knew he got you good when you constantly fidgeted with the beautiful pearl necklace he gave you. You fell into his trap.

♡— It was actually quite funny to him, how he’s being so dedicated to a fake act. He just hoped you won’t find out the truth any time soon.

♡— When you two got together, Kevin felt a little more at peace - knowing that you’re his lover, much less people would dare to hurt you, but there was still a lot of things to be done to ensure your safety. He had to make sure everyone knew that you both are now a thing. All hunters, all survivors, all staff. Which led to several moments of him initiating physical and verbal affection in front of the others, whether it made your uncomfortable or not. You were sure some, if not most, were absolutely sick of it, while others were relieved they won’t have to deal with his futile flirting, either way, you couldn’t care less if they like it or not, he made you feel so confident.

♡— The cowboy was a very convincing and caring lover. He’s even convinced the right people to let you sleep together in one dorm. You were head over heels for each other, or at least you thought so. Because you were not aware all he did, he’s done with not love, but worry in his mind. He had his watchful eyes on you all the time. He was paranoid and delusional, thinking even a minute of inattention could lead to you getting hurt. Meanwhile, you just assumed he’s possessive of you, after all, it took him some time to finally find someone.

♡— It has now been… a week? a month? half a year? since you were together, no one anymore could even tell, but to Kevin, each new day where he ensured you were safe was a step closer to saving you from doom. But not all went exactly with his plan. It happened late at night, on a cold autumn night. You were both laying in bed, you sleeping peacefully on his bare chest while you wore his poncho. Kevin was playing with your hair and caressing your face with his hands. He had many thoughts at that moment. All the hugs, all kisses and sweet nothings did something to him. He didn’t know what. But they definitely did. When observing you, he came to a conclusion that his heart is no longer filled with the sole need of defending the good, no. Pure love now took it’s place. That was no longer the cowboy who longed for justice and protection of his loved ones. There now was a Kevin Ayuso, a caring boyfriend.

♡— Kevin Ayuso realized very quickly that playing with someone’s true feelings could lead to the opposite of intentions. Instead of taking care of, he’s hurting his love, That’s why he promised to never tell you what exactly happened. It’s all for the greater good. What he did wanted to tell you, is that you both had to escape this hell to experience safety once and for all. He could show you the world, his world.

♡— He’s constantly having a certain scene in his mind. The cowboy imagines him and you in a deep, dark forest, leaving the Oletus Manor, your past lives, while riding a horse into the new world.

♡— He wishes he could do that. Somehow. Someday. He’ll do anything in his power to achieve this. He’s grateful you trusted him and he is going to make the most out of this love.

♡— And he hopes you never find out what has happened before that one night.

[fy-soukoku]

opinions on ranpoesano and akipoe? also if you have fanart of them plz i beg there’s literally nothing anywhere :’)

When I tell you I have intense emotions regarding the Yosano/Poe/Ranpo ship, I’m saying I have intense feelings. 

(Here are some headcanons here. Oh, and here.)

Anyone who’s been following me knows I adore Ranpo and Yosano, as well as Poe and Ranpo. Especially with the factors that led to Yosano’s eventual recruitment into the Detective Agency. And that whole Poe vs Ranpo had no right going as hard as it did. (Really, its that episode’s fault I’m trapped here.)

In honour of reawakening my adoration, here are some of my favourite headcanons (because I have no self-control.):

Ranpo and Yosano canonically have a lot of respect and affection for one another (once again, I beckon to the Poe vs Ranpo episode) and I do believe Ranpo is one of the few individuals who, from that start, has asserted that he sees Yosano’s genuine character. 

Which leads me to the conclusion that, with her reputation, Poe would be absolutely terrified of Yosano once he recognizes trapping her in his book is an insufficient strategy. 

(Ranpo is quick to rectify this - but not before embellishing Yosano’s terror far beyond conceivable limits. Poe, bless his little heart, has already thrust every bit of his trust in Ranpo’s conniving ass.)

Ranpo and Yosano already had a relatively ambiguous relationship (because I chose to read it as such) but the more time Poe spends with either, the more clear it becomes. 

Ranpo already spends a significant amount of time hanging out with Poe, whether dipping by his house every two seconds or dragging him out on snack runs. It makes sense that Yosano finds her way over, more often than not. 

Poe’s concerns are alleviated by Yosano’s company - she’s gentler than she seems, though more than willing to call Ranpo out on his crap. Karl likes her, too. 

Yosano's more likely to call Ranpo out on his bs, while Poe reguarly enables. Salt instead of sugar for Kunikida's coffee? Poe and Ranpo are likely the culprits.

(Which is why when Yosano joins in it gets serious)

She and Poe also enjoy fashion  and luxury. They'll go shopping together on a regular basis. (Sometimes Ranpo is allowed to tag along, but they lost him once so now he requires strict supervision.) ((He got caught up playing on the claw machine.))

Poe gives off major film buff vibes, while Ranpo certainly doesn’t have the attention span for movies. Yosano is somewhere in the middle. The main appeal of movie nights, for her, are the snacks and drinks. When Ranpo started complaining about Poe’s insistence on films every time they hang out, Yosano volunteered to take his place. 

Believe it or not, Poe’s probably the most well-adapted to a romantic relationship. He’s quicker to realise his feelings are romantic, that he likes both Yosano and Ranpo and he has a feeling they like each other. 

The issue with Poe is he’s also likely to get trapped in his head, and he second guesses something as humiliating as voicing this out loud. (Besides, in his head, they’d probably reject him anyway.)

And Yosano, for all her maturity, isn’t inclined to bring this up. She hasn’t been in a romantic relationship for quite some time, and any experience she does have is tainted from her past. 

And Ranpo is... well, Ranpo. He doesn’t want to open up, and he refuses to acknowledge this. 

Three idiots walk into a relationship without really discussing it. 

Yosano and Ranpo are already comfortable with one another - casual touches at work, Yosano’s feet in Ranpo’s lap, etc. When Poe becomes part of the equation, he finds himself sinking into this contact like breathing. Yosano holds his hand, and sometimes, Ranpo fiddles with his hair. Poe is quick to initiate a hug, lay his head on bony shoulders. 

Hands on shoulders become hands on hips, hands on cheeks, and lips brushed against vulnerable skin. Yosano comes to these slowly, Poe embraces them with vigour - touch repulsed and touch starved. Ranpo lies somewhere in between, hesitant to initiate but comfortable when he doesn’t have to take control. 

It’s quiet, it’s intimate, and it’s theirs. No one else is invited, inquiries never humoured. Just three people who come to one another and settle into something too heartfelt, too weighty for words. 

(It sounds something like “I love you” but they don’t say that either.)

[pacifymebby]

So sorry for dumping all this but I feel like I have literally nowhere else to express myself. Today is me and my husband’s first Valentines Day as a married couple. We’ve been together 7 years, just married March of 2023. He is notorious for being very unromantic. Like to him, grilling a steak and putting on a movie is a date. I’ve made it very clear to him for MONTHS that I did not want to just cook dinner and watch a movie this year for valentines, as this is what we do EVERY year for EVERY date, birthday, anniversary, etc. Well today happened and I got to cook more than half the meal, set the table, and then he put on some action movie when I asked him if he at least wanted to play a board game with me. I am just hurt.

Am I crazy for feeling this way? Like I just want for someone to want to spend quality time with me without me having to ask or BEG. We don’t go anywhere anymore, we hardly see friends, I’m just stuck here in this house. And I’m only 25 (he’s 27), and it’s like he wants to live like we’re already 80 years old. Am I crazy??!?! This is why I take so much solace in your writing, like especially Alfie and Bonnie. They would never let me feel like this, thats why your writing is my escape from reality. I’m so sick of reality.

Oh honey this is so sad and I'm sending you such a massive hug and a bunch of your favourite flowers!!!

Sorry it's taken me a few days to reply to you, I wanted to be able to put actual effort into my reply rather than just rushing through something which feels important you know? Like it sounds like you've had a real shitty day, but not just that like, you've been made to feel like someone doesn't care/doesn't listen/understand you and that sucks cause they're the person that's meant to do all those things the most!!!!

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but also you're so young and your marriage is so young and I really believe that if you talk to him and tell him how hurt you are by his actions, and you tell him how you feel about the whole situation, then perhaps you can work through it together and like have better times in the future?

I obviously can't and wouldn't dream of trying to tell you how to manage your relationship or what you should do but like, I feel like if you really find solace in escapism through reading my stories then like, this is an issue you should address because it might seem like a small or melodramatic thing to be upset about but it's not. Like you say you're only young and you already feel like you're living in your 80s. Complacency in relationships, especially marriages (I have heard) is a really huge issue and definitely something which ends up ending marriages, and it sounds a little like your man is getting complacent and is perhaps taking your love/romance forgranted.

I get that life isn't like fantasies and that we all use fantasy to escape from things (like I do too and have been escaping my own relationship issues by writing and reading fics this week haha) but also like, if we feel the need to escape from our every day then that's sad and we should try to fix things or change things. Don't stay miserable is what I'm saying I guess, tell him exactly how hurt you are and if he never changes you don't have to be trapped and miserable (I know this sounds dramatic and I feel so fucking cheeky for even alluding to it so I'm sorry, I don't mean it to be offensive and I'm not saying do it either!!) Obviously I don't know everything about you but if you truly love and care for eachother then you can talk and work things out and he might not be the most romantic but like, he can try for you!!! Because the very least you deserve is someone who tries for you!

Sending you massive hugs, bonnie and Alfie would honestly have such serious words for this man for neglecting you, they'd definitely NEVER neglect you like this!!!!<3

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[iliveiloveiwrite]

Draco Malfoy and the Parent Trap (headcanons)

Request: hc for scorpius trying to get his father back together with his dada teacher a while after his mother passing because he wanted his father to be happy and he found out reader used to be his school sweetheart before things got in their way? - anon

A/N: This is a fairly long headcanon and for that, I apologise! I had so much fun with this though! I’ve split this into sections like how I would a full length fic otherwise it’s too hard to follow, in my opinion.

Warnings: female reader, mischief and mishaps, kissing, fluff, humour, mentions of death, past relationships.

Scorpius Malfoy loved his mother; he adored his mother, but even he could no longer deny that she was not coming back. 

Astoria Malfoy had died, and she was not coming back. 

It had been years since her passing and whilst Scorpius missed her every single day, he could not ignore the fact that his father needed to meet someone new. 

-------

Draco Malfoy adored his wife; he would give up his soul to have her back in his arms where he could love her as wholly as he had when she was alive. If he had possession of the resurrection stone, he knew who he would bring back, he didn't care whether it would change her - he would have her back. 

However, Draco Malfoy was lonely. He missed his wife, but he also missed the companionship of a relationship. He missed going to bed and having someone there when he woke up wishing him a good morning. 

He yearned to have someone to hold; someone to love; someone to care for. 

Draco Malfoy simply wanted someone.

-------

Scorpius didn't really have a favourite class; he enjoyed them all as he loved learning, but he found himself drawn to Defence Against the Dark Arts when you took over as Professor, breathing new life into the subject.

“Scorpius!” You call, smiling widely as the blonde ambles over to you. “Well done! I haven't seen spell casting like that since I last saw your father.”

“You knew my father?” Scorpius asks you, shocked at the admission.

“We were very close for a time,” You admit, feeling your face flush as the teenager looks on confused, “But we drifted apart.”

“What was he like back then?” Scorpius asks before he can help himself, “Dad doesn't speak a lot about his time at Hogwarts; he says his life began when he met my mother.”

You laugh, pressing a hand to your chest. “I understand why he would say that; he always was the romantic. I was sorry to hear of her passing; I remember when she attended Hogwarts.”

“Thank you,” Scorpius whispers quietly; a new wave grief washing over him as he meets another person who0 had known his mother. 

“You’re the spitting image of your father. How is he?” You ask, needing to know.

“He’s okay. He’s lonely,” Scorpius admits, “He misses my mother.”

“As he should,” You state, nodding solemnly. “He always was serious. Even in school; I could very rarely get him to take a night off and have some fun.”

Scorpius smiles at the image conjured in his mind; the teenaged version of his father causing mayhem around the castle - it just didn't seem true. Scorpius sighs when he glances at the clock. “I’ll see you next time, Professor.”

“Bye, young Malfoy,” You laugh, thinking back to a time when a blonde haired teenager had been the centre of your universe.

------

Scorpius brings up the subject at lunch, asking Albus and Rose whether they knew anything of it.

Albus shrugs, sipping at his water before shaking his head. Rose frowns, tapping her chin with her finger. “I remember hearing my parents talk about it,” She murmurs, seeming far off as if in a distant memory.

“What did they say?” Scorpius all but demands, perching on the edge of his seat.

Rose’s eyes brighten as the conversation comes back to her. “I remember!” She all but cries, “They were discussing Professor (Y/L/N)’s appointment as our professor - they knew her at Hogwarts, you see.”

“Anything else?” Scorpius presses, already aware of such knowledge.

“My dad spoke about how he could never believe that someone like Professor (Y/L/N) would date your dad.”

“WHAT?” Scorpius shouts; not out of the slight insult to his father, but the fact that his Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher used to date his father and neither said a word about it. “They dated?!”

Rose shrugs, reaching for her drink. “They must have if my parents were talking about it. I don't know how long for, but both my parents said it was the nicest they had seen your father act.”

Scorpius frowns at Rose’s words but does not comment; instead, he wonders about his father, overworking himself at St Mungo’s so he doesn't have to come home to an empty house. 

“Scorp,” Albus sings, interrupting Scorpius’ worrying, “I have an idea.”

“What is that?” Scorpius asks warily; these ideas never ended well. 

“You were talking about wanting your father to find love again... and here you are being educated by on elf his exes.”

“Okay?”

“Set them up you fool!”

“Oh!” Scorpius gasps, seeing the plan fall into place right before his eyes.

“Alright,” He concedes, “But I’ll need your help.” 

-----

The plan gets put into motion the following week.

Scorpius approaches you at the end of Thursday’s lesson, a sheepish look on his face.

“You know your father had the same expression when he messed up,” You snort, “What did you do?”

“It’s not so much what I did, but what my father would like to hear.”

“Pardon?”

“My father wrote to me yesterday asking if he could have an early report of my progress in school. Since you already know him, I thought - if you don't mind, that is - you would write to him first, update him on DADA?”

You roll your eyes. “Of course, Scorpius. I’ll write a report his evening and send it with the owls tomorrow morning.”

“Thank you!” Scorpius exclaims; eyes wide with happiness as the first stage of the plan falls into place. 

-----

Stage One: set up communication.

Draco had never sent his son a letter asking for his progress so far; Draco never rushed for academic excellence, he was simply happy with Scorpius’ best. 

However, the report would hopefully open up a line of communication between the exes which would in turn lead to something more.

-------

Owl Post arrives only once a day so it isn't until Saturday that Scorpius hears back from his father. 

He opens his letter with barely restrained glee; Albus and Rose watching on curiously. 

Inside the weighty envelope, Scorpius finds your progress report of his work in DADA but also an attached note from his father:

“Scorpius, you do not need to feel pressured to send me reports. I know you’ll try your best in every subject. You will do well with (Y/N) teaching you. She was a genius at this subject when I was at school.”

Scorpius freezes for a moment; running a finger over his father’s handwriting as he is hit with a keen sense of absence. He didn't get homesick often, but right now, he misses his father more than words could say. 

Albus reads over the letter, Rose follows. The three sit in silence as they think of their next move. Rose comes up with the idea.

“Your dad needs to reply to Professor (Y/L/N). It would look rude if he did not.”

Scorpius nods; reaching into his bag for a piece of parchment and his quill. He scrawls a quick reply to his father:

“Dad, I just thought you would appreciate the update. I hope you replied to Professor (Y/L/N), it would be rude to not have given that she took the time to write to you.”

His reply is sent in the afternoon when he treks up the Owlery, feeds a postal owl before offering up his letter to be returned to Draco. Scorpius had even tucked Professor (Y/L/N)’s original letter in the envelope so his father did not forget what she had written.

As Scorpius watches the owl fly away, he wonders whether this plan will ever work.

-----

Time passes and Scorpius begins to wonder whether the plan is working.

He watches you in lessons; notices that you seem a little brighter, that there is a little glow about you when you smile.

And Scorpius cannot help but wonder whether his father did reply and that the both of you were keeping in touch.

The hope that unfurls in his chest at the thought if his father happy again is what makes him pray to Merlin for it all to work out.

-----

It’s a Friday afternoon, weeks into the plan, when you approach Scorpius.

“Scorpius, may I talk to you for a moment?”

“Yes, Professor.”

“I’m not sure if your father had made you aware or whether he was keeping it a surprise, but he’s coming to the school tomorrow.”

Scorpius’ face goes slack at your words. 

Draco had never come to the school; had not wanted to come after the second wizarding war and for good reason too. For Draco to be stepping foot back into the place he so strongly thinks hates him, there must be a powerful reason.

“Why?” is all Scorpius asks.

You fiddle with your fingers before replying. “He sent me a letter letting me know he would be coming to see you, but to also catch up with me. You don’t mind, do you? I know this could be strange for you. I’ll happily cancel if you want to spend the whole day with your father.”

The hope that had been hiding away just behind his heart begins to bloom in his chest as he takes in the hopeful expression on your face. It's then that Scorpius realises that you don't want to cancel on his father, but you would for him. It’s then that Scorpius realises that his father might just be ready for moving on.

“I don't mind at all,” He answers, finding his words truthful. “You and my father have a lot to catch up on.”

“That we do,” You laugh before smiling genuinely at the teenager, “Thank you, Scorpius.”

Scorpius smiles; grabbing his belongings and making his way out of the classroom. Stage two of the plan had begun with Scorpius even realising.

He knows exactly what he needs to do tomorrow.

-----

Scorpius barely sleeps all night for thinking of it.

He’s up with the sun and the first to breakfast as he waits for his father's arrival.

He remains sitting in the Great Hall when he begins to wonder just exactly where his father is. It was long past the time of his arrival.

It’s then that Scorpius decides to wander to the DADA classroom.

He finds Draco there in quiet conversation with you; sitting close together on the desks, hands so close touching that it almost pains Scorpius to look. 

He realises then how well you fit together; how you both balance each other out when you snort at something Draco says, reaching out to show his shoulder playfully. Scorpius cannot remember a time when he saw his father have fun; have a joke with someone.

Heads bent close together, Scorpius catches the glimpse of an indulgent smile on his father’s face and it's then that Scorpius knows that his father has found another person to love. 

Scorpius thought it would hurt, to see his father with another, but it doesn't. Instead, Scorpius feels relief that his father might not be so alone forever. 

An idea pops into Scorpius’ mind. 

Gathering his courage, Scorpius reaches for the door handle, and slams the door shut loudly. 

He covers his mouth to quash the laughter that bubbles at the sound of your surprised yelp. 

He quickly casts a locking charm on the door, remembering an advanced one taught to him by Rose whose mother had taught it to her. 

“Let us out!” You yell, shaking the door handle and banging on the door.

“Not yet!” He shouts back with a smile.

“Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy!” Draco shouts, “Let us out right now!”

“Not until you get your act together!”

“What?”

“You can't come out until you admit your feelings!”

And with that, the voices on the other side of the door fall silent and Scorpius sits himself across the corridor from the entrance to the classroom. 

-----

Draco shakes his head at the audacity of his son. 

You press a hand to your mouth to stop the laughter from leaving. 

“It’s not funny!” Draco laments.

“It kinda is,” You admit, “Your son could see something neither of us could.”

“What?”

“Draco, you would have to be half blind to not see my feelings for you.”

“What?” The blonde repeats, once again struck dumb. 

You shrug, “We’ve been talking for a while and I thought there was something there. At least, there is something there on my end.”

“It’s been so long,” He whispers, closing his eyes against the wave of emotions washing over him.

Draco feels nothing but conflict; he can no longer ignore the rising affection he has for you, but with every sting of it, he’s reminded of Astoria. 

“I’m not asking to replace her,” You whisper, drawing your hands up to your chest as if protecting the already breaking heart. “I know I could never do that.”

Opening his eyes, Draco sees the stricken expression on your face and hates that he’s the cause for it. “I miss having someone there,” He admits quietly, “I miss having someone.”

“I could be that someone,” You state.

“I want you to be that someone,” Draco admits, pulling your hands from your chest, holding them gently in his own. “I want you.”

A watery smile breaks across your face as Draco drops on elf your hands to caress your cheek. “A new chapter,” You whisper, leaning into his touch.

“A new chapter,” Draco promises, ducking his head to kiss you.

------

Scorpius Malfoy misses his mother every day. He knows that she will always be with him, but he misses her nonetheless.

However, he cannot ignore how happy he is for his father to have found someone to love again. 

****

Draco Malfoy taglist: @the--queen-of-hell @obxmxybxnk @obx-beach @sycathorn-slush @dracomalfoyswifey @oopskashish @justmesadgirl @detroitobsessed @sexysirius @just-a-belgian-girl​ @lahoete​ @minty-malfoy​ @fallinallinmendes​ @ravenclawbitch426​ @ochrythum​ @beiahadid​ @gryffindors-weasley​ @dracosathenaeum​ @belladaises​

[crackheadgeminibby]

appearances pt. 1

pairing: 40s!bucky barnes x female!black!reader

warnings: language, angst, mentions of racism a bit?

word count: 2.2k

part 2

a/n: watched the first avenger and my brain almost immediately felt the need to write this down so enjoy, friends!

i do not consent to my work being copied in any way, shape or form or reposted on any other platform

not my gif

Being a Black nurse in the United States in the 1940s was far from easy. Your parents had always taught you to take care of and protect yourself. As you grew up, you learned that people weren’t as black and white, no pun intended, as they had made you believe. As a near 20-year-old now, you still used their advice, but you did so with a grain of salt.

You had always felt the need to help people, which was why you had decided to become a nurse. Sure, it was hard, but you were a strong, determined woman that believed that nothing could stand in the way of your dreams.

And it was by doing exactly that that you had met the love of your life.

James Bucky Barnes.

He was an extremely handsome man. One that came to the hospital far too often to get his friend Steve checked on.

Bucky was a huge flirt, which you didn’t mind, it’s not like you spent that much time together. But after a while, you noticed that Steve always seemed to stay at the hospital slightly longer than the previous time. He always said that he wanted to stay to make sure that everything was okay or that he had a headache and he preferred to stay where it could be monitored. But somehow, Bucky always stayed right next to him.

After about three months of coming to the hospital at least four times a week, Bucky had asked you out. At first, you had thought he was fucking with you. A handsome man like him asking out a regular woman like you? Even after you said no? It had to be a trap. Or so you thought until Bucky had left to use the bathroom one time and Steve had convinced you to say yes to him. He seemed so earnest while talking about how much his friend liked you and talked about you often that you couldn’t refuse. So, you had told him yes but only if you went somewhere private and at night.

It wasn’t because Steve and Bucky didn’t mind the color of your skin that everyone else in town shared that feeling. And you didn’t need this kind of thing coming back to your parents.

And so, you had started dating. Sure, it was in secret and only Steve knew but you didn’t mind. Bucky called you a hopeless romantic, but you liked to say that your romance was like that of Romeo and Juliet.

The sneaking around was fun. At least, at first it was. But now, a year after your relationship had started, it was getting increasingly energy-consuming.

Today was your anniversary with Bucky and it just so happened that you had the day off from work. You were supposed to meet him in the park where you had your first date at sunset but until then, you didn’t have any plans.

So, when your mother asked you to go grocery shopping for her, you hadn’t hesitated to say yes. Oh, how you regretted it now.

You were currently walking back from the grocery store, bags of food in hand when you had first heard it. Bucky’s laugh, coming from near you.

You frown as you focus on it to find him. Your breath hitches and you feel tears pooling in your eyes at the scene in front of you. Bucky is leaning against a wall in a hidden alley, flashing his smile at a girl in front of him, his hand on her cheek. Even with her back to you, you could recognize her.

Dolores. Or Dot as people usually called her. She was Bucky’s longtime pursuit. Everyone thought they would end up married with a whole litter of kids. Childhood sweeathearts and all that.

Bucky looks up, spotting you, and you see his smile falter for half a second before it’s back up like nothing happened.

You bite your lip, trying to keep your tears in, as you turn around and walk faster towards your house. Luckily for you, your family lived near a large park, full of thick, tall trees that were essentially soundproof. As soon as you step foot in the park, tears are flowing freely down your face and sobs are shaking your body.

You hated that you were crying because of this. But what you hated even more was your complete inability to do anything. If you had had any kind of reaction back in town, an uproar was sure to happen. You didn’t want or need that and neither did your parents.

You let out a breath when you arrive at your house and see that nobody’s home.

You put away the groceries hurriedly before taking a hot shower. As you exit the bathroom, you see that the sun has set, making your room pitch black. You also notice that your family has made it home, hearing your father, mother and sister talking downstairs. You close your curtains and turn on your bedside lamp, not wanting a light too bright illuminating your room. You put your pyjamas on as you hear a knock at your door.

“Come in.”

Your mom opens that door and walks in, leaning against your desk before asking, “Already in your pyjamas? Did you already eat?”

You shake your head, replying, “No… I’m just not very hungry so I think I’m going to read a bit then go to sleep.”

Your mom nods slowly before answering, “Okay, good night then, honey.”

You mumble a “good night” to her as you get under your covers. You reach for the book sitting on your bed night table. You didn’t even remember the last time you had time to sit down and read.

You barely read a sentence before you hear a small noise at your window. You roll your eyes, knowing exactly who it was.

You set your book down and walk to the window, opening the curtains and sliding the window open just a smidge.

“What do you want, Bucky?”

Bucky cringes at your use of his full name. In the past year, you had only ever called him Buck or Baby, sometimes James when you were joking, but never Bucky.

Bucky smiles slightly at you, “Can I come in?”

You sigh, opening the window completely and turning around to sit on your bed. Bucky climbs into your bedroom and sits down on the edge of your window.

“So, how was your day?”

You look at him, mouth agape. Was he being serious right now?

You cross your arms across your chest and reply sarcastically, “Gee, Bucky, my day was great, thanks for asking.”

He bites his bottom lip before coming to sit down next to you. “Nothing happened with Dot. We were just talking.”

You sigh and shake your head, getting up to pace around your room. “I don’t care, Bucky. That’s not the problem. I just…” You stop in front of your closet, looking down at your feet, “I can’t do it anymore, Bucky. I can’t handle it.”

Bucky walks towards you rapidly, “No, no… Don’t say that, doll. I won’t see Dot again, I promise. I won’t talk to any other girl, only you. Just don’t say that please.”

You shake your head, looking up at Bucky.

“It doesn’t matter if you see her again or not. Or who you talk to. It just can’t work.”

Bucky stutters, trying to find the right words to say, before looking into your eyes, unshed tears in his.

“Why are you doing this to us?”

You glance at the floor before looking back into his eyes, biting your bottom lip, “Because, Bucky, it just has to be like this.”

Bucky shakes his head, “No but I won’t talk to Dot again, it’s fine.”

“God, Bucky, it’s not about-”, you start, practically screaming before Bucky puts a hand over your mouth, frowning.

“Keep your voice down!”

You rip his hand away from your face before walking back to your bed.

“It’s not about Dot, Bucky. Or anyone else. It’s about me.”

Bucky looks at you confusedly.

“We’re not going to go anywhere, Bucky. It’s not like we’re going to get married and have kids or something. It’s stupid to keep doing this when we have no future together.” You finish, throwing your hands in the air.

Bucky’s face contorts with an expression of hurt and slight anger, “You don’t see a future with me?”, he whispers.

You look up at him and despite every single cell in your body screaming at you to say yes, you shake your head at him.

You see a single tear fall from his eye before he nods his head dejectedly. He wipes it away angrily before walking back to your window. He makes his way on your roof but before jumping down to the ground, he fishes something out of his pocket. He slams a small, black box on your windowsill and says, “Happy anniversary, by the way.”

He looks at you one last time before jumping down from your roof. You feel some tears falling down your face before you walk slowly to your window. You take the box, exhaling deeply as you open it, feeling the air being sucked out of your lungs.

A modest but beautiful engagement ring sits in the center of the box, surrounded by velvet. Tears are now freely flowing down your face as you take the box and lay down in bed, staring at it for God knows how long. After feeling like no tears are left in your body, you close the box, tucking it in your bed night table drawer, before falling asleep.

The next morning, you wake up, stiff, dehydrated and with a headache. As much as you would have liked to stay in bed and cry some more, you had a shift at the hospital this morning that you absolutely could not miss.

You wearily get up from your bed, following through with your morning routine before walking to the hospital. As you look at your assignment for the day, you hear a small throat clear behind you. You whip around, seeing Steve right behind you, looking exhausted. He waves at you, muttering a “hey”.

You take him to his usual room and make him sit on the bed before getting the clipboard from the counter.

“So, what’s wrong with you today, Steve?”

“Nothing. I came to talk to you about Bucky.”

You swallow thickly before putting the clipboard back down slowly. You lean on the counter and cross your arms before nodding at Steve to continue.

“He came back home last night, sobbing. I could barely even understand anything from what he was saying except your name. What happened last night?”

You look away from Steve uncomfortably before biting your lip and answering quietly, “I broke up with him.”

Steve frowns in confusion before asking, “But why? I thought everything was going super well. Did he mess up the proposal or something?”

You feel tears rise in your eyes at the mention of Bucky’s proposal. You shake your head slowly before replying, “He didn’t make it to the proposal.”

Steve looks at you, even more confused than before.

You sigh, saying, “I broke up with him because it’s what’s best for him. He doesn’t need to be held back by me. Do you know what people would say if they saw us together, Steve?”

Steve looks at you, surprised, “Since when do you care about what people have to say about you?”

You shake your head, “Us.” Steve tilts his head in confusion.

“People wouldn’t be talking about me. They would be talking about Bucky and me. I’m protecting him. He doesn’t need to go through that kind of shit. If anything, I’m doing him a favor.”

“Why can’t you let him decide what he needs?”

“It doesn’t matter, Steve. It’s done. Bucky probably doesn’t want to see me ever again.”

“That’s not true.”

You feel the air being knocked out of you as you turn around to see Bucky in the doorframe. He looks drained, his face void of color and his eyes bloodshot.

“I love you more than anything else in the world. How could you ever say that I don’t want to see you?”

“Bucky…”

Steve gets up from the bed, walking towards the door, “I’ll leave you two alone.”

As Steve is leaving, Bucky enters the room and closes the door behind him.

He stands in front of you, slightly out of reach, with his hands in his pocket.

You exhale deeply before starting, “Look, Bucky, I can’t do it. It didn’t really hit me until yesterday that we’re not going anywhere together, it can’t work.”

Bucky clenches his jaw tightly, “Stop saying that.”

“But it’s true, Bucky. Do you really think that anyone is going to support us?”

“Steve does.”

You roll your eyes slightly, “Steve is literally the definition of good. He couldn’t be mean to me if he tried.” Bucky chuckles softly, knowing that you were right. His face becomes serious again before he replies, “Who cares about anyone else? There’s you and me in this relationship. No one else. So, no one else matters.”

You shake your head, “Bucky, we can’t just live with no friends and no family. What kind of life would that be?”

“It doesn’t matter because I would be with you.”

You feel your heart squeeze at Bucky’s words, “Bucky, we can’t. It has to be this way.” You look up at the clock behind him.

“I have to go, my shift started 10 minutes ago.” You walk towards Bucky, stroking his cheek. He leans into your hand before you kiss him softly. His eyes flutter shut as his hands grab your waist.

You pull away from him gently before saying, almost inaudibly,

“Goodbye, Bucky.”

hi @saiyanprincessswanie i would love it if you could read this! part 2 is coming in about a week though!🤗

[glowingbadger]

How are there no SFW and nsfw modern day Felix HCs? I must remedy this.

Ah, I actually have a few Modern AU Felix thingies- they're just scattered throughout posts about multiple different characters lol. You can find them all in my masterlist, but lemme go ahead and compile everything I've written for him so far~ ((There aren't many NSFW ones yet, so if anyone has a nice Modern AU spicy concept for Felix for me to toy around with, I'm all ears :3))

Felix (FE3H) x Reader, Modern/College AU

SFW (nsfw below the cut):

From the BL Modern AU hcs: He’s a business major, but his heart clearly isn’t in it- he’s only doing it because he’s expected to run his father’s company some day. He’s at the gym every time you go (presumably plenty of times when you’re not there too), before you realize it, you start looking for him there. You tell yourself it’s just because you admire his motivation. He catches you staring though one day, and calls you out. Somehow, you stumble your way through introductions, but before long he’s telling you how you’re not stretching properly at all, how your jogging pace is inefficient, and just like that, you’ve got a gym partner who eventually becomes the most secretly-sweet boyfriend.

From 'modern AU w/ insecure Reader': He’s a funny one about this, honestly- his feelings for you are strong and enduring, and because of the intensity of what he feels, he does have a hard time understanding what you’re insecure about. He’ll grab your hand and grumble that, “I’m your boyfriend, aren’t I? I wouldn’t waste my time if I didn’t love you.” He’s also definitely one of those types who wants to help in concrete ways, so he’ll interrogate you about what’s making you anxious and what he’s screwed up- he knows he’s not good at romantic stuff, but he’s willing to do absolutely anything to make you happy. He will never admit it but he somehow finds himself lurking on relationship forums to better understand how you’re feeling

From escape room BL hcs: This poor boy. He does not understand why you would intentionally put yourself in the position of being trapped somewhere for fun. But you get so excited and so into the whole thing that he simply can’t help wanting to help you if he can- not that he would ever admit it. It’s just that your moods are so contagious to him and he can’t help wanting to see that adorable, triumphant smile you give when you’ve figured out the next clue. Absolutely the type to get impatient if one code or riddle is taking too long, and will 'test out’ the structural integrity of the doors, walls and locks.

From 'modern AU soft hcs': - He’s so bad at being soft, but he wants to be for you, but also doesn’t want to be because ew feelings. Which he has a lot of. This is why the main way he expresses his affection is through physical contact. It’s mostly in private, where he can be super cuddly with you- but in public, he’ll still find times to lightly brush his hand against yours, or an excuse to “fix” your hair, mumbling, “It’s flying all over the place, hold still-” even though it’s really not that out of place, he just wants a reason to touch you.

- Felix is a funny one to bring your problems to. He’s actually a surprisingly good listener for someone he cares about, so he’s happy to just hold onto your hand and listen to you vent about whatever’s bothering you. If it’s an interpersonal problem, he’ll probably offer to confront or straight up fight whoever is giving you trouble, which might at least get you to laugh, even though he fully means it. But for a more serious problem, he’ll quietly wipe away your tears and remind you, “Hey, listen- you just… keep living your life as you, okay? You can’t be anyone else, and I don’t want you to be.”

- He secretly loves it when you play with his hair. While he’s studying or gaming, he likes to lean back against the edge of his bed or a couch and have you sitting behind him brushing out his hair, or even braiding or pulling it up for him if you like. He finds your touch incredibly soothing, and there have even been times when he’s spaced out a bit and completely forgotten what he was doing because he was just enjoying your nails along his scalp and your fingers through his hair. Honestly, it’s a bit like scratching a cat’s ears- he’ll even subconsciously lean against you if he’s not careful.

From general modern AU hcs:

- he’s very cat-like in how he chooses to show his affection. He’ll almost never verbally express it, and to many, he comes across as cold. But if you know what to look for, the signs are incredibly obvious. The mere fact that he goes out of his way to just be near you, the fact that he’ll jump to your defense the moment someone dares to give you a hard time, small gifts that he’ll give with a carefully neutral, “It’s not a big deal, it just seemed like the kinda thing you’d like.”

- Once you’ve been together for a bit though, he’s extremely physically affectionate in private- only in private, mind you. Alone in your dorm or apartment, he’s very cuddly, holding you close to him at any chance he gets and resting his chin on your shoulder, or nuzzling against your neck. Sometimes he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, but he’ll run a hand along your back or your waist when he moves by you, or his thumb will rub little circles along your thigh when you’re sitting together. Don’t call him out on it though- he’ll lurch away immediately and be too shy to touch you for an hour or two.

- His friends definitely know he’s developed a thing for someone very early on. He tends to be notorious among his friends for never checking his phone or responding to messages, and when he does respond, it’s in five words or fewer. Once he’s started getting close to you though, he keeps his phone in his hand while he’s hanging out with the other Blue Lions, glancing down at the screen every ten seconds, and completely impossible to communicate with when he’s thinking of what to send you when you do message him.

NSFW 18+ v

- he’s the type to feel most comfortable initiating sex when you’re just relaxing in one of your rooms together. In the middle of a movie or playing video games together- or even just sitting quietly and studying together on his bed- he glances over at you and it just hits him that you’re his, you chose him, and damnit he’s just so crazy into you. He leans over and kisses you without a word, then slides his tongue past your lips, pulling you closer until you can very evidently feel that he needs you now.

- His roommate (Sylvain) is quite the renowned flirt on campus, and likes to tease Felix by openly hitting on you in front of him. All three of you know that it’s genuinely in jest, and that Sylvain would never push things TOO far… but that doesn’t stop Felix from fucking you extra hard and deep once you have the place to yourselves again. He’s generally not very vocal during sex, but if his insecurities have been prodded a bit, he’ll lift your legs into a mating press and pound his cock into you, groaning out, “tell me you’re mine, Y/N. C'mon- again, louder-!”

- Overall, isn’t much one for intimacy in public places- but once or twice, you’ll encounter a bit of an exception. Gym dates with Felix are generally common and comfortable enough, and he’s actually very helpful in improving your technique and efficiency when working out. But he won’t let on for quite some time that it also turns him on immensely to see your body moving like this, and the scent of your sweat and pheromones drive him near feral. If it’s late enough at night and there’s no one else to overhear you, he’ll drag you into one of the changing room showers and fuck you breathless against the wall, his tongue dragging along your neck and his hands groping every inch of you he can reach.

[hislittleflower-throughconcrete]

I've tried being celibate. I've tried praying on it. I've tried complete abstinence. I've tried a lot of things and I can't keep fighting off SSA. I genuinely can't do it anymore and it's turning me into a hateful person. I think my only alternative is suicide but I know that's a sin too. Could I get your perspective? Is it a worse sin? Is it better to sin once than to sin for a lifetime?

I wish I could talk to you in more than just a response to an ask, because I feel like I only have one shot to say what I need to say, and say it in the right way. So please reach out in the chat or in another ask so we can talk further.

I will start by saying your safety and mental health is the first priority. Please reach out to someone you trust and tell them that you have been having suicidal thoughts, and please seek out a therapist or even call a crisis line if you haven't already. Mental health issues are not sins, they are like concussions - serious, treatable health conditions that are ticking time bombs if ignored. I want your wellbeing above all else.

To answer your question, you only see three options: live a celibate life in misery, live a happy life with same sex relationships that God would not want, or end your life. These are not your only options, and I can see how you can be at the point of despair if you think this way.

There was a time where I had those exact same thoughts ("I think my only alternative is suicide but I know that's a sin too"). Not fleetingly either - it was 7 solid years of it, as constant as the beating of my heart. "I cannot live the life God wants me to live, I am trapped in an addiction I have no control over which causes me to sin constantly, I am miserable and all I want is to kill myself, but that would be a mortal sin, so I am held hostage by God" were my constant thoughts.

I am completely aware that SSA is entirely different than an addiction or a mental illness, and I do not mean to imply otherwise. I am merely saying that when I read your ask, I immediately understood that desperation in my struggle to overcome, that hopelessness, and that feeling of futility.

You can't do it anymore, I agree - not in the way you have been, in a way that causes you misery. I didn't understand that about myself for a long, long time. I thought I needed to stop hurting myself because it was a sin, sins are bad and damage my relationship with God, I hurt God by doing it, it would make me bad or dirty and a failure and all of these horrible things, and the harder I tried the more I failed, I would count the days I was free of it but I obsessed over it in my mind all of those days, I would slip and beat myself up, and the cycle would repeat. I drove myself insane trying to stop, I was so tired and I felt it was so cruel that God allowed me to have this issue and wouldn't allow me to have the power to make myself stop wanting it or doing it, but also wouldn't allow me to kill myself to escape it.

I could never have healed that way.

The only thing that helped me was I had to stop focusing on it, stop seeing it as a problem to be solved, and instead focused on attaining intimacy with Jesus. It sounds like your relationship with God is, like mine was , a severely wounded relationship. How could God love me if He allowed this to plague me? Does He not know the agony I am in? And in your case, I can only imagine the feelings of seeming betrayal, a heart full of love and desire for closeness that cannot be filled in the manner you want it to. It was not striving for holiness or perfection that healed me - it was desire for intimacy, closeness, like a lover's embrace, like a newborn nursing on its mother. I craved this intimacy with Jesus and once I started this path, forgetting myself and my failings along the way, and focusing on discovering what God wills for my life, that I found peace.

It is difficult to know how to address your specific situation without knowing more about you, your faith, and your circumstances. I also hesitate on giving you advice in areas I don't know well (SSA struggles with lust and/or desire for SSA relationship). My ask box and chat are always open to you. What I will say is, you are deeply loved by God and He desires intimacy with you and also wants you to have intimacy in your life with others. Close-knit community and deep, authentic friendship are the most important forms of human intimacy we have - if you don't have these things, that is the first place to seek intimacy with others, and any romantic relationship if you don't have those things won't be healthy. I could list books that helped me, groups you could be a part of, etc. but only if you want them.

The most important thing I want you to take away from this response is that I wanted to die for so long, I was repeatedly hospitalized for my safety, I felt utterly trapped by what I thought God wanted and this caused me years of misery, I saw absolutely no way out - and yet there was. You cannot find that way out if you end your life, you will never discover the peace, joy, and fulfillment that God has designed uniquely for you if you end your life now - so please stay.

I strongly encourage side-b individuals and other catholics to reblog with prayers, responses, encouragements and resources.

[jypbae7]

Me me meeee <3 I'll request a full analysis about NCT's Johnny! 😚😚 Include errrrthing baby hahaha 18+ stuff, him as a romantic partner aka bf <3 whatever you want! I'm so excited to read this akndfkgkfn 😎😎😎❤️❤️

Johnny Suh - Natal chart

Finally finished it!! Johnny was actually the most requested member I received in my inbox! Sorry that it’s nearly the length of a novel lmao but I sectioned it to make it easier to read and navigate 💕

(Not claiming to be an expert this is just for fun please don’t take anything too seriously!) Hope this is helpful and that you enjoy it 🥰❤️

Personality: Aquarius Sun, Gemini Moon, Aqua Mercury, Virgo rising, Leo Mars

While Aqua is a fixed sign it is definitely the most adaptable of the 3 fixed signs due to the Air element of Aquarius plus the ever spontaneous Gemini moon. Most things that make the rest of us feel anxious tend not to seem that scary to fearless Gemini or cool as a cucumber Aquarius.

Natural social butterflies who love their tribe deeply and fiercely once they find them. Busy bodies who are easily bored if left unstimulated too long which will turn into crankiness if not rectified quickly. Thankfully Aqua & Gem have a zest for life that makes them quite easy to please. They are open minded and will gladly stay up till 3am talking about aliens and conspiracy theories, just like they are thrilled to go on last minute random trips just because why not (Gemini impulsivity at it’s finest lmao)

Gemini is a mutable sign unlike fixed Aquarius. This is a pretty big difference and something that goes under the radar with Aquas due to that cool as a cucumber attitude. Because they are adaptable and typically very easy going they don’t often show their stubborn aggressive sides and honestly prefer not to have to unless they are feeling extremely disrespected or pushed beyond their boundary which is a BIG let me say that again, BIG no no with Aquarius (almost as big as it is for for the water signs)

Adding to these deep inner thoughts and vast inner world that Aquarians have, his Virgo rising adds more depth and self awareness. As perfectionists and highly intellectual minds they are a lot more self critical than they let on, just like they are a lot more caring and soft than they let on. They deeply care about others and the world in general seeing the big picture in a very earthy and traditional way - good people should strive to put good out and try their very best at whatever they do. They deeply dislike mean, malicious, manipulative, or spiteful behavior or people and generally keep guarded around people they don’t know well until they feel certain of the person’s true intention. There’s nothing Virgo is more cautious of than to be swindled or hurt by someone they take it reallyy hard and they know it.

Now we alllll know his swag and confidence is legendary and we can all thank the Leo Mars placement for that and the beautiful lush shiny hair and big toothy smile (Looking at Mark, Jaemin and Xiaojun like 👁👄👁) But beyond the aesthetics and dripping confidence and charisma, Leo is another creative sign that tends to be a lot more intellectual and intuitive than people give them credit for.

When the other members call Johnny one of the scariest members you can bet it’s his aggressive fiery fixed Leo Mars which is loud and even violent when provoked enough not to mention the fixed Aquarius tornado energy...Oooof that is a lot of Fixed sign rage right there honey so let’s tread lightly with Johnny boy and appeal to his open minded and friendly nature with a gentle tone and non-pointed words during discussions and all shall be good even if there’s some disagreeing!

Honestly if the argument starts getting bad you can always distract the Gemini moon by just bringing up other interesting topics! Geminis minds move FAST and while they can process a lot of information quickly and precisely they tend to get distracted easily (but here’s the good side of that😉)

Aquarius have a deep love of family and the desire to create their own (Geminis often share this trait) they can feel a bit like outsiders or “other” from people and thus crave to build a tribe of their own - this can be friends that are lifelong deep relationship carried on no different than family or starting their own family with a partner and kids

Relationships:

Non-Romantic Relationships & overall communication style: Aquarius Sun, Gemini Moon, Aqua Mercury, Leo Mars, Virgo Rising

Built off laughter, time spent together whether its at home hanging out casually or going out for meals and fun new things to try together

Wants to bounce lots of ideas off of his closest friends and secretly loves doing creative stuff together the most - this is pretty evident if you watch JCC he’s happiest when he’s doing stuff with his bros whether it’s sporty, musical, or crafts

Does not like to be vulnerable even with those he’s close to, tends to stick to neutral and more light hearted topics of interest and conversation because he prefers to spread a good mood instead of a heavy one

If he really trusts you or has worked through it enough already to want to talk about something serious you’d better listen cause the boy drops gems of wisdom and has a really soft mushy heart

Immediately adopts his close friends as family and no matter the time apart or distance will always treat them the same

Likes friends he can learn from and take on new adventures with they satisfy the intellectual Virgo rising and Aqua & leo sign thrill needs - Gemini is all about BOTH of these

Deeply appreciates loyalty, acts of service, and quality time with his friends and family - makes his heart soooo happy BUT

He would rather fucking DIE than let you or anyone see him cry so he cries like 4 times a year at 3am in the bathroom while everyone’s asleep (HIGHKEY feel like Ten & Jaehyun are exactly like this too)

Romantic relationships and preferences: Capricorn Venus, Leo Mars, Capricorn Juno, Capricorn Eros

Mr. Johnny Suh has THREE Capricorn placements tied to love and intimacy so that’s saying something lmao

Going against Aquarius’ open mindedness and anti-traditional persona Capricorn prefers all things traditional and stable.

Very much does acts of service for his partner as a sign of affection also lots of touching and quality time.

A veryyyyyy spontaneous boyfriend/partner thanks to that Gemini moon - he either wants to stay at home in pjs and order food and have movie marathons or whisk you away on zero notice to a trip lol

Earth sign men are drawn to women who embody very flowery feminine energy and aesthetics. They prefer a “natural beauty” who can spice it up sometimes rather than a super flashy 24/7 partner. (He’s said in the past that his ideal type is Yoona which says it all lol)

Will be highly drawn and intrigued by someone with a high work ethic and high intellect. BIG bonus points if you can keep up with his sarcasm and jokes.

Earth signs are pretty physical and handsy so expect to have little personal space around him, make no mistake they enjoy this very much. He will definitely be grabbing you and picking you up often! He’ll be smirking down at you devilishly watching you get flustered backed into a corner trapped by the sheer size of his muscular body. A Capricorn male’s ego really enjoys this dynamic, trust me lol.

Also another quirky male Capricorn trait that actually applies to Aqua & Gem as well… They like to initiate all the touchy feely stuff - What I mean by that is they can get easily spooked by clinginess too early on. These three signs want romance and definitely want to feel that you’re into them but they also are innately independent and enjoy relationships where their partner can also go off into the world and thrive in their own way and meet back together in the middle. So long as you can find a happy balance, when you are together you won’t have to initiate anyways honestly because he’ll be the one pulling you.

Okay let's talk about Juno & Eros - Juno in Capricorn is about serious, loyal, long term commitment though they tend to marry later in life once they’ve already achieved the things they want to for themselves which I can see being the case for Johnny as well especially with his current career.

18+ Preferences:

Eros in Cap where to begin - high libido, stimulated by visuals and touch. Wear interesting colors, patterns, textures to catch his eyes & his hands - lacy lingerie is a plus the texture will really excite him and the feminine look will please his earthy traditional cap side. If you really wanna have him drooling throw in some spicy contrasts like a leather choker with the lace set and you’ll also set off his Aqua, Gem, and Leo placements as well ;)

Tends to bounce back and forth between fucking you like you’re a cheap groupie whore and taking his time staring you in the eyes and kissing you passionately as he’s stomach deep - no inbetween but really who’s complaining??

DOM KINK - NOT UP FOR DEBATE he has THREE Capricorn placements for fucksake meaning 3 cardinal signs which are literally called “the INITIATORS” plus all his other fixed personality placements

More of the classy rich ceo vibes kind of dom (suits, expensive cologne and jewelry, leather, black and red binds) - takes you to bougie hotels when he really wants to ramp it up and not have to care who hears. You can expect not to sleep those nights but he’ll damn sure pamper you afterwards with cuddles, food, and a spa date.

Now...with all his Air sign placements...I have to say it...he’s a kinky ass dude. Few things are off the table, but he’s also super content with “normal” stuff too. It’s more about the person and experience for him than doing the wildest things possible. So if it feels natural and right then he’s down.

Don’t be surprised if he wants to tie you up like a pretzel or role play because he’s definitelyyy going to ask. Well actually he’d probably just buy whatever outfit or binds he wanted to use and casually be like “look what I got for us baby” as if it’s matching charm bracelets or something. The good news is he’ll dress up and get into it with you and he’s super receptive to your boundaries, fantasies and making it enjoyable as possible for you too.

If you flip the script on him and suddenly break the norm either by taking the initiate/lead first or trying something new he will absolutely combust 🤯 and be in the palm of your hand staring in absolute awe and fascination till he can’t take it anymore and reclaims his spot as the one in control

Nudes, videos, and phone sex when apart are a definite and they really keep the passion burning for him which is honestly VERY important and don’t worry he’s NOT shy and you will be grateful for the beautiful collection of photos and videos 🤤

Boredom for Aquas, Gems, and Caps can quickly lead into self-sabotaging behaviors and/or wandering eyes not because they don’t value loyalty but that they really need and benefit from mental stimulation and feeling wanted so when that’s gone they can pull away

Honestly pretty much any type of lingerie or outfit will turn him on because the most arousing part for him is knowing that you spent time doing such a naughty thing for his sake

Breeding kink - 3 earth placements and has said himself in interviews he would’ve started having kids at 25 if he wasn’t an idol soooooo that’s a definite. He imagines you pregnant with his baby and it makes him super soft and warm which quickly turns to super turned on. He loves the primal marking aspect of claiming you in such a way and also watching you unravel to the point of begging him to do it. Even if it’s just “play” he loves it and will probably think about it a lot more than you know. If you ever do it for real he will be utterly and completely obsessed with you forever and be practically more excited about all the stages of your pregnancy than you are

[hawkland]

(Mostly) Destiel Fic Recs #5

This is a LONG recs post because it’s been a while since I did an update and I fell hard into reading one author’s work (DeanRH). In fact I could easily do a rec post just of their fics alone, but for this round I’m just going to pick out a handful of my absolute favorites so far, the ones I’d recommend to start out with, along with more other authors’ works I’ve especially enjoyed lately.

Absolution at the Five-and-Dime by DeanRH (125k)  - this is perhaps THEE DeanRH fic to start with if you want a good, long read with a little bit of everything (Roadtrips! Intriguing casefic! Americana! Tasty Dean/Cas pining! Wing!kink and unique angel lore! Kinky soul fisting and tentacles!) It’s kind of two of parallel stories in one: the first, a flashback to Dean and Sam's first year hunting on their own (as well as trying to avoid hunting, and John in general); the second on how Dean and Cas finally get together during an unusual case and when Dean is able to really let go of his past trauma and accept himself/accept love from Cas. 

What I love about DeanRH’s work is that they write from the unique point of view of a drifter, so they understand living on the road, traveling place to place, and the highs and lows of that life like no others I’ve encountered in SPN before. (The author’s notes are often as much fun to read as the stories themselves). They also write a kickass angel!Cas and never lose sight of his non-human traits and background. Their writing style is unique - almost poetic in nature, and I know some readers have found it difficult to get into. But it works really well for me in their SPN fic...gives it the flavor of oral story telling as might actually happen at a drifter’s camp (with one story written exactly as such). Be warned this particular fic does play up the idea of John Winchester being mentally abusive and Dean having to turn tricks when he was younger in order to support him and Sam, so there is some dark stuff. But as someone who grew up with mentally abusive parent, reading this was extremely cathartic to me and believably written (unlike some stories that go too over the top with abusive John, or just don't understand how that kind of abuse leaves lifetime psychological scars.)

The rest of this round’s recs below the cut.

Carnevale by DeanRH (18k) - Actually the first fic by this author I read, because I just couldn’t resist a story set in my favorite place in the world, Venice, Italy. Castiel is the Angel of Venice, banished there for so long he does not even know or remember the reasons why. But Carnevale season is the one time a year he can let his wings out - figuratively and literally. And during this particular Carnevale season, he meets an intriguing masked young American tourist there with his brother and their one night stand turns into something far more powerful than either expected. This one’s hot, romantic, and achingly sad at the end as it all ties together unexpectedly with canon-verse...though with a hint for the future so it’s definitely not totally sad. I loved how DeanRH clearly understands Venice as a fellow lover of the city, the side of it most tourists never see unless they spend a long time there. This story made me cry just from wanting to be back in Venice again.

Ice cream was sweeter, food more satisfying, everything was an epicurean delight. There was just something magical about Venice, and he had lived here in the city for hundreds of years, so the shine should have worn off by now.

But it didn't, and there was always something more, something wonderful to discover around the next corner. The painted eaves of a church. The beauty of two women dancing with flowers in their teeth across the Piazza San Marco one day, overcome by the sheer joy of just being there. The way the university students still created Venetian masks, like Castiel's extravagant volto mask and Dean's humble servetta muta, with crafts that had been handed down across the generations. The morning silence that lay against the stones.

Hard Landing by DeanRH (26.9k) - A bit similar in theme to Carnevale. A pre-series Dean and Sam are sight-seeing in Spain when an angel, struck by a babel-spell, crash lands right in front of Dean. A strange yet seriously hot encounter with the angel turns into something much more complicated when the brothers return home and realize something more serious is afoot and they are both trapped in the middle of it. This is another story where things are very much not as they seem at first (as fun as that is!) It features master strategist Cas at his best, with a side helping of delightful trickery care of Gabriel and Balthazar as they deal with Lucifer, Michael...and a few others along the way.

The Sacred Band of Thebes by DeanRH (14.5k) - The last DeanRH fic I’m gonna allow myself to include in this round up, because it’s just very soft and sweet and beautiful - for a story about Dean & Cas being magically transported back in time to ancient Sparta! This is another story infused with a great knowledge of place and history, with some wonderfully delightful original characters added in that make it all the more enjoyable to read.

And now on to some other authors, I promise!

IPAMIS OL OLPRIT by emmbrancsxx0 (56k). A really wonderful fic that take a different look at what might have happened with a temporarily resurrected John Winchester during Season 14. Dean & Cas are in an established relationship here, and John here isn’t too happy about it — though mostly because he sees Cas (and Jack) as monsters, the kind of monsters he spent his lifetime hunting. This is a great fic for the emotional complexity of how John, Dean and Cas are all handled. John isn’t a cardboard evil dad, Dean is struggling between his loyalty to his father and to Cas, and Cas is increasingly bitchy/frustrated at Dean still being so desperate for his father’s approval (and all the more complex for not just being a quietly suffering perfect supporting boyfriend.) There’s some great action sequences in this too along with the emotional angst and a delicious dose of hurt!Cas if that’s your thing (as it is for me :D)

Abrenuntio by Neonbat (51k). A very dark but compelling AU take on the/a apocalypse universe. Dean, Sam and John are all alive in this post-angel war-apocalyptic world. They are part of a group of human survivors fighting against the angel army when they manage to capture “Blue” — a particularly feared angel of death. Dean is tasked with bringing Blue in for interrogation and he becomes a prisoner in their camp after John is killed. As mentioned, this is a pretty dark/sad fic (with some rather gruesome torture scenes) but I still found it quite compelling as a look at how things could have gone in some other parallel universe. And somehow the author manages to make the Dean/Cas relationship come together despite them starting out as complete enemies. This is one of those AUs that works for me because the core of the characters really shine through despite the differences in the setting.

if it all fell to pieces tomorrow by spocklee (37k) - a gorgeous post-Empty rescue fic that takes an approach I haven’t really seen explored in detail before (despite being something I’ve actually thought about as something that could’ve happened.) What if Cas has spent so long denying himself happiness, and then trapped in regrets and false-rescue scenarios created by the Empty, that he can’t trust that his rescue is real? And so he runs off to be on his own - literally stealing the Impala because he can’t handle being in Dean’s presence one moment longer - and only slowly comes to terms with the idea that it’s over now and he can be happy with/around his friends and family. This one’s both deliciously angsty and at times funny/sweet, looking at Cas’s relationships not just with Dean but with Sam, Jack, Claire, even Eileen. It does some fun stuff with other returned angels and demons who now find themselves back on Earth (and human), and...I just really enjoyed this one a lot.

Both Saved and Lost by angelfishofthelord (13.7k) Gen Cas character study, absolutely gorgeous and sad and one of those fic I couldn’t stop thinking about the day after reading it. AU where Apocaverse!Cas isn’t immediately killed by our Cas during 13x22 but instead hitches a ride back to the main ‘verse. Dean and Sam want to keep him alive for information on Michael; Cas is torn and trying to figure out just how similar—or different—they really are. Some great angel stuff here (I also highly recommend this author’s Jack & Cas “dadstiel” fics, they’re equally lovely and heartbreaking at the same time.)

flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k) - THEE “What exactly did Dean eat in Purgatory, anyway?” fic you’ve probably already heard about. *cough* I’ve been trying to work up the courage to read this one for a while and finally gave in and OH MY CHUCK I’m so glad I did. It’s perversely disturbing and beautiful at the same time, Cas is wonderfully DERANGED and ALIEN in that way that I love it when fics managed to convey just how much angels are NOT human. Do heed the tags.

Full of Grace by ilovehowyouletmefall (11k) - Another one for the weird-as-fuck-angel!Cas lovers’ list. Heaven/canon-compliant fic where Dean knows he should feel happy and at peace but he just...isn’t, even with Cas and all of his friends and family there. He finally goes looking for Cas when he’s been absent for a time and, for the first time, gets to not just see but experience his true form. Another one that hits some kinks I knew I had and others I didn’t...until now. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

don't ask me where i've been by saltwound / @1x06 (8k) - I can never resist a good 09x06 fiction gap fic! What makes this one really stand out is how well it captures Cas’s internal voice - his struggles adapting to human senses, limitations and emotions versus what/how he experienced things as an angel. The longing and feelings between Dean & Cas here are so achingly beautiful and I just wanted to cry when Cas says he misses hearing Dean’s prayers, so Dean, he...oh, I’m not going to spoil it. *happy sigh* Just read it.

this room is wrong by DarkHeartInTheSky (12k) - Sometimes I like torturing myself with some good 15x03 divorce arc angst and this fic hit that button just so. It’s an alternative take on where Cas might have ended up after leaving the bunker and features some great Cas & Sam friendship feels, when Sam sets out to try to bring Cas home. It’s all the stuff you’d wish the writers would’ve let them talk out in canon.

Well that’s more than enough for this round! Go forth, read and give some great writers some kudos & comment love!

[him-e]

what did you think of shadow and bone? have you read the books? i only read the duology

Thoughts on Shadow and Bone, now that you've probably seen it?

I think the show is alright? It lacks a real wow factor as far as I’m concerned, but it’s enjoyable. It’s especially enjoyable in those parts I didn’t anticipate to like / didn’t even know would be there. 

Whereas the main selling points leave a lot to be desired.

The good stuff: the visuals. The aesthetic. The overall concept. Production, casting and costumes are excellent, the setting is fascinating. The worldbuilding isn’t perfect and is sometimes confusing, which is probably due to the show jumping ahead of the books and introducing elements that happen much later in the book saga, but I’m loving the vague steampunk-y vibe of it mixed with more typical fantasy stuff and slavic-inspired lore, the fact that it’s set in dystopian Russia rather than your usual ye olde England.

I find it interesting that in this ‘verse the Grisha are simultaneously superstars, privileged elite, legendary creatures and despised outcasts, according to the context and the type of magic they wield. It’s A Lot, and so far it’s all a bit underdeveloped and messy, like a patchwork of different narratives and tropes sewn together without an organic worldbuilding structure. (there are hints to a past when they were hunted, but how did they go from that to being, essentially, an institutionalized asset to the government isn’t clear yet. There’s huge narrative potential in this, and I hope future seasons will delve into those aspects)

Many of the supporting characters are surprisingly solid. I appreciated that Genya and Zoya eventually sort of traded places, subverting the audience’s assumptions about them and their own character stereotypes, despite the little screentime they were given.

Breakout characters/ships for me were Nina/Matthias, and even more so the Crows, i.e. the stuff I didn’t see coming and knew nothing about (having only read the first book). (I thought the entire Crows subplot was handled in a somewhat convoluted way, at least in the first episodes; it was hard to keep track of who wanted Alina and why, but the Crows’ chemistry is so strong it carried the whole Plot B on its shoulders).

HELNIK. As an enemies to lovers dynamic, Helnik was SUPER on the nose, I’d say bordering on clichéd with the unapologetic, straight outta fanfiction use of classic tropes like “we need to team up to survive” and “there’s only one bed and we’ll freeze to death if we don’t take our conveniently damp clothes off and keep each other warm with the heat of our naked bodies” (not that I’m complaining, but i like to pine for my ships a bit before getting to the juicy tropetown part, tyvm). And then they’re suddenly on opposite sides again because of a tragic misunderstanding - does Bardugo hate high-conflict dynamics? It certainly seems so, because between Helnik and Darklina I’m starting to see a pattern where the slow burn and blossoming mutual trust is rushed and painted in broad, stereotypical strokes to get as fast as possible to the part where they *hate each other again* and that’s... huh. Something.

^That’s probably why I’m almost more interested in Kaz x Inej, because their relationship feels a bit more nuanced, a bit more mysterious, and a bit more unpredictable. (I didn’t bother spoiling myself about them, so I really don’t know where they’re going, but it’s refreshing to see a dynamic that the narrative isn’t scrambling to define in one direction or the other as quickly as possible)

-

Now, as for Darklina VS Malina... I found exactly what I expected. 

Both are ship dynamics I’m, on principle, very much into (light heroine/dark villain, pining friends to lovers) but both are also much less interesting than they claim to be, or could have been with different narrative choices. I’ll concede that the show characters are all more fleshed out and likable than their book counterparts, and the cringe parts I vaguely remembered from the books played out differently. And, well, Ben Barnes dominates the scene, he’s hot as HELL, literally every single second he’s on screen is a fuck you to Bardugo’s attempts to make his character lame and uninteresting and I’m LOVING it, lol.

But yeah, B Barnes aside, Darklina is intrinsically, deliberately made to be unshippable. 

It makes me mad, because it’s - archetypally speaking - made of shipping dynamite: yin/yang-sun and moon, opposites attract, COMPLEMENTARY POWERS AND SO ON. And what does Bardugo do with these ingredients? A FUCKING DELIBERATE DISASTER:

^ Placing the kiss so early on (season 1, episode five) effectively kills the romantic tension that was (correctly) building up until that point, and leaves the audience very little to still hope for, in terms of emotional evolution of the dynamic. 

Bardugo lays all the good stuff down as early and quickly as possible (the bonding, the conflicted attraction, the recognizing the other as one’s equal, etc) only to turn the tables and pull the rug so y’all sick creepyshippers won’t have anything to look forward to, because THEY’VE ALREADY HOOKED UP AND THAT BELONGS TO THE PAST, IT’S OVER, THEY’RE ENEMIES. This, combined to the fact that she falls for him *without* knowing who he really is, is the opposite of what I want from a heroine/villain ship (it’s basically lovers to enemies, and while that can be valid too, I wanted to see more pining and more prolonged, tormented symbolic attraction to the Shadow/Animus on Alina’s part). 

But here’s the trick: it’s not marketed as lovers to enemies - it has all the aesthetics and trappings of an enemies to lovers (the Darkling is, from the get go, villain-presenting, starting from his name), so it genuinely feels like a trollfic, or at the very least a cautionary tale *against* shipping the heroine with the tall dark brooding young villain, and I don’t think it’s cool at all. It makes the story WAY less interesting, because it humanizes the villain early on (when it’s not yet useful or poignant to the story, because it’s unearned) but it’s a red herring. The real plot twist is that the villain shouldn’t be sympathized with, just defeated: there’s a promise of nuanced storytelling, that is quickly denied and tossed aside. So is the idea of incorporating your Shadow (a notion that Bardugo must be familiar with, otherwise she wouldn’t have structured Alina and the Darkling as polar opposites who complement each other, but that she categorically refutes)

Then we have Malina. The good ship.

Look, I’m not that biased against it. I don’t want to be biased on principle against a friends to lovers dynamic that antagonizes a heroine/villain one, because every narrative is different, and for personal reasons I can deeply relate to the idea of being (unspeakably) in love with your best friend. So there are aspects of Malina that I can definitely be into, but it troubles me that in this specific context it’s framed as a regression. It’s Alina’s comfort zone, a fading dream of happiness from an idealized childhood, to sustain which the heroine systematically stunts her growth and literally repressed her own powers, something that in the books made her sickly and weak. But the narrative weirdly romanticizes this codependency, often making her tunnel vision re: going back to Mal her primary goal and centering on him her entire backstory/motivation, to the point that when she starts acting more serious re: her powers and alleged mission to destroy the Fold, it feels inorganic and unearned. 

Mal is intrinsically extraneous to Alina’s powers, he doesn’t share them, he doesn’t understand them, he has little to offer to help her with them, and so the feeling is that he’s also extraneous to her heroine’s journey, aside from being a sort of sidekick or safe harbor to eventually come back to. People have compared him to Raoul from Phantom of the Opera, and yeah, he has the same ~magic neutralizer~ vibe, tbh.

The narrative also polarizes Mal’s normalcy and relative “safety” against Aleksander’s sexy evil, framing Alina’s quasi-platonic fixation on the former as a better and purer form of love than her (much more visible and palpable) attraction to the latter. This is exacerbated by the show almost entirely relying on scenes of them as kids to convey their bond. I’m sure there are ways to depict innocent pining for your best friend that don’t involve obsessively focusing on flashbacks of two CHILDREN running in a meadow and looking exactly like brother and sister. LIKE. I get it, they’re like soulmates in every possible way, BUT DO THEY WANT TO KISS EACH OTHER?

Which brings me to a general complain: for a young adult saga centering on a young heroine and full of so many hot people, this story is weirdly unsexy? There are a lot of shippable dynamics, but they’re done in such a careless, ineffective way that makes ZERO EFFORT to work on stuff like slow burn, pining and romantic tension, and when it does it’s so heavy handed that the viewer doesn’t feel encouraged at all to fill the blanks with their imagination and start anticipating things (which is, imo, the ESSENCE of shipping). The one dynamic that got vaguely close to this is, again, Kaz and Inej, and coincidentally it’s also the one we didn’t get confirmed as romantic YET. Other than that, where’s the slow burn? What ship am I supposed to agonize over during the hiatus to season two? Has shipping become something to feel ashamed of, like an embarrassing relative you no longer want to invite in your home?

Anyway, back to Alina/Darkling/Mal, this is how the story reads to me:

girl suspects to be special, carefully pretends to be normal so she can stay with Good Boy

the girl’s powers eventually manifest; she’s forcibly separated from Good Boy

the girl’s powers attract Bad Boy who is her equal and opposite but is also a major asshole

girl initially falls for Bad Boy; has to learn a hard lesson that nobody that sexy will ever want her for who she is, he’s just trying to exploit her

also, no, there is no such thing as a Power Couple

girl is literally given a slave collar by Bad Boy through which he harnesses her power (a parody of the Twin Scars trope)

you know how the story initially suggested that the joint powers of Darkness and Light would defeat evil? LOL NO, Darkness is actually evil itself and the way you destroy evil is using Light to destroy Darkness, forget that whole Jungian bullshit of integrating your shadow, silly!

conclusion: girl realizes being special sucks. She was right all along! Hiding and suppressing her powers was the best choice! She goes back to the start, to the same Good Boy she was meekly pining for prior to the start of the story.

... there’s an uncomfortable overall subtext that reads a lot like a cautionary tale against - look, not just against darkships and villain/heroine pairings, but also *overpowered* heroines and, well... change? Growth?

Like, it’s certainly a Choice that Alina starts the story *already* in love with Mal. That she always knew it was him. The realization could have happened later (making the dynamic much more shippable, too), but no. 

[thetrap]

why i think deancas just might go canon

i’ve been wanting to write this for a bit, but i haven’t really had the time until now. basically this is just a super unorganized collection of thoughts i have on why i think that dean and castiel actually have a fairly decent shot of becoming canon (and by decent shot i mean like.....a solid 5% chance. and that’s being generous). this is based off of the show itself (obviously), quotes from andrew dabb, and other things.

1. andrew dabb is deancas positive

i made a post a while back that never made it out of the drafts, but it was basically a summation of all the good deancas shit dabb has given us as a writer. here are the bullet points:

- the hug/"i'm not leaving here without you!" moment in purgatory (8x02) 

- "don't lose it over one man"

- "he's in love.....with humanity"

- cas/colette parallel ("dean. stop.") in 10x22

- just the fight scene from the prisoner in general like......wow

- sam/jess and dean/cas parallel in 12x23

- "we've lost everything......and now, you're gonna bring him back" + dean's just generally overwhelming grief in 13x01

- "and how is it that you lost dean? i thought the two of you were joined at the.....you know, everything"

and these are just the big moments.

also notable is the fact that an activist sent dabb (and some of the other producers of spn i think) a book about dean and cas and why the fans want it/why it would be a good thing for the show. a few years later, meghan fitzmartin (who wrote the most recent episode!) was hired as dabb’s assistant, went into his office and posted a tweet a with pictures of the book, saying something along the lines of “doing some reading for work!”

the fact that dabb actually kept a fanmade deancas book for years.....the fact that he’s consistently written episodes with really strong subtext for years.....the fact that the dean and castiel romantic tension has only picked up since he took over as showrunner (mixtape, lily sunder, cas’s death, dean’s grief arc, the entirety of season fifteen, etc.)......idk i just think it’s really interesting that there has been such a marked shift since he was put in charge.

2. the mixtape

i know this was a few seasons ago, but it’s still relevant because like. a mixtape is not platonic. this scene was not platonic. full-stop.

and it’s not even the act by itself; it’s also the dialogue!! “it was a gift. you keep those.” this is more than likely a direct callback to aragorn and arwen in lord of the rings (that’s the first thing i thought of, at least).

the fact that dabb let this slide, like......he knows what this looks like. berens and glynn, who wrote this episode, know what it looks like. they knew precisely how this would be perceived, and then wrote and aired the scene anyways.

and that’s not even getting into the camerawork. like what?? was this shot???

yeah so. definitely not platonic.

3. the trap

honestly i thought about just posting this part of this overlong essay thing, because to me, this is the episode where i went okay, so this might actually happen.

there are SO many things in this episode that made me go insane the first time i watched it (”i left, but you didn’t stop me”) but the thing that stuck out to me the most was dean’s reaction to castiel saying, “you don’t have to say it. i heard your prayer,” when dean tries to tell him something.

like?????? he does not look relieved!! nor does he look particularly happy!!

hell, if you go back and watch the video you can literally see him swallow his words down like....jensen ackles is the master of micro expressions and that shit is Not Accidental. this moment 100% gives the vibe that there is something that is not being said. the camera following dean as he gives cas a lingering look is really interesting too.

3. dabb’s comments about dean and cas in season 15

this part is actually sort of related to the point above, since a lot of dabb’s comments are in reference to “the trap.” here are some interesting ones that i want to point out:

But the Leviathan won’t be the focal point of the purgatory story. Rather, it’s about what Dean and Castiel are going through. “They’re not going to resolve the emotional stuff, but it allows them to redefine their friendship a little bit in light of what’s happened especially earlier this season,” Dabb says. (x)

the key thing here is that dabb said that, in 15x09, dean and cas are “not going to resolve the emotional stuff.”

now. i don’t know about you, but dean falling to his knees, praying to cas and weeping feels a lot like emotional resolution to me. like, sure, things will probably be awkward between them for a while, but surely this is the peak moment of their emotional vulnerability with each other, right? surely this is the moment where they’ve resolved the issue between them? like how the fuck does it get more intensely emotional than this??

yet dabb seems to be implying that it will, which leaves us with the million dollar question: what is left about dean and cas’ relationship to resolve?

keep in mind that as of 15x16, there hasn’t been much forward movement on that front; that is, we’ve had some cute moments between them, but in terms of serious conversation about their relationship, there’s been basically nothing. so we can assume that this development, whatever it is, will occur in 15x18, since dean and cas will be separated for most of 15x17, as cas will be off with sam.

aka the episode where cas will likely get yanked away by the empty. aka the episode with the teary (!!!) conversation we saw in the promo between dean and cas.

also notable from the above quote is dabb saying that dean and cas are redefining their friendship. like....redefining how? to what?? that wording is just really interesting to me.

another quote from dabb re “the trap”:

(x)

it forces them to “start that process.” indicating yet again that the prayer scene between dean and cas is not the moment where whatever is between them is resolved. yet, from where we are right now, dean and cas seem mostly fine. which means that whatever they have yet to work out doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with their fight.

lastly:

a really significant chunk of what happens to dean in 15x09 is him confronting his issues with cas. don’t get me wrong - there are other important things that happen in the episode - but the fact that an episode where so much time/emotional energy is given to dean and cas’ dynamic is considered a turning point for dean is very notable and, to me, speaks to the importance of their relationship for the rest of the season.

4. dean/cas and sam/eileen being set up as units

i’m of the opinion that sam and dean will (by choice) go their separate ways at the end of the show. i think this for a variety of reasons that i wrote about here, and to add onto this, i think that dean/cas and sam/eileen are, in a way, being set up as two units.

this theory comes from two points:

1. the fact that eileen got brought back at all

this isn’t to say that eileen isn’t an interesting character all on her own/outside of her romance with sam, but the fact that they brought her back and then proceeded to set her up in this romance feels really significant to me. what’s especially interesting is how, even after she leaves in 15x09, we get a continuation of their romance in 15x14. i don’t necessarily think that she’s sam’s endgame in the sense that the final episode will show sam going to her or whatever, but i do think that part of the reason she was brought back was so that sam would have someone who he loves/someone he could potentially build a life with after he and dean defeat chuck.

2. the way the two couples were portrayed in “the trap”

like....just watch the future scenes in the bunker. there’s very much a sense that these are two couples living together. and “ever since the mark made cas go crazy, ever since i had to bury him in a ma’lak box.” note the use of i, not we. and then dean/cas and sam/eileen are directly paralleled when dean tells sam he needs to give it up after eileen’s death, comparing it to how dean has given it up after having to bury cas in the ma’lak box.

5. dean does not do Well without cas

this is probably an understatement. there have been a couple of notable instances in this season where the viewer is given a glimpse of what happens to dean when cas dies/is in danger of death/is separated from dean (in case the whole ass widower arc in s13 wasn’t enough).

two of these are from “the trap”:

1. dean freaking out/crying/praying when he’s separated from cas in purgatory

2. dean giving up on life/hunting after burying cas in the ma’lak box in the future world

3. dean’s reaction to cas temporarily going to the empty in 15x13

the one i want to spend the most time on is number two, in large part because sam was witness to it and i think that this might get brought up in 15x17.

part of my spec for that episode is that cas will tell sam about his deal/sam will find out somehow, and in reaction sam might tell cas about how dean reacted to his death in s13 - a conversation that was notably absent from the show when cas finally returned in 13x05. i also think that he might mention no. 2 above, basically telling cas that if he dies, dean is done. that he won’t be able to handle it/move past it. the show has been telling us this over and over for a while now, and it’s only been emphasized more in season 15. i think that 15x17 is the episode where this will finally be verbally expressed.

to me, all of this emphasis on dean giving up when cas is gone isn’t for nothing. in my opinion, it’s being done very purposefully to set up an endgame where dean and cas are together in some sense of the word. and a lot of what i’ve said above is what makes me think it’ll be a Romantic together.

5. bobo berens’ three part deancas saga

so we all know that berens is pretty much spn’s foremost deancas warrior, and what i want to point out here is how this season has been utilizing him as a writer.

this season, berens has three solo episodes (he wrote “galaxy brain” with meredith glynn):

1. the rupture

2. the trap

3. despair (formerly known as “the truth”)

so far, these first two episodes have had major deancas moments. you could even label them as:

1. the rupture (the breakup)

2. the trap (the reconciliation)

3. depair (???)

keep in mind also that berens wrote 14x18, where the dean and cas sort of had a preliminary breakup. he’s been in charge of this arc for a while, and the fact that so much of his writing this season has been deancas focused.......i don’t know, i just think it’s significant in part because, while berens has always been deancas positive, he also writes plenty of episodes that aren’t focused on dean and cas. but now, in the final season, the dean and cas emotional arc has been handed to him, and it’s been the primary focus on his writing.

(sidenote: berens was promoted to executive producer for this final season)

to me, this is all leading to a big moment between dean and cas in 15x18 - and the fact that it was at one point called “the truth,” only to be switched back to despair - makes me think that there will be some sort of confession involved. my money is on cas being the one to say it (especially since this would line up with the leak), especially given the glimpse we saw of (what might be) this moment in the promo. which leads me to...

6. cas does not cry

i saved this for last because the promo where we see teary-eyed cas is actually what pulled me back into this shitshow.

cas does not cry. like. ever. he got a little teary in 15x15, when jack told him of his plan to sacrifice himself, but we have never - never - seen him shed actual tears. and in the promo, particularly that shot where cas says “you have fought for this whole world,” it 100% looks like cas is about to cry cry.

cas has seen his son die. he has seen dean die. he died himself, over and over and over. and we have never seen him cry.

yet for some reason, in this moment of vulnerability with dean, he’s crying. i find it highly unlikely that cas would cry because of his impending death, for a number of reasons (for one, he wouldn’t want to upset dean more than he has to). so, assuming he’s not crying because of his own death, then what is making cas so emotional that he is genuinely crying for the first time in the twelve seasons he has been on the show?

my guys.....i can only think of one thing.

[pitch-pearl-void]

Quick summary: Phantom gives Fenton romantic advice and gets caught in a trap of his own making

Fenton’s plans to bury his face in his pillow until Jazz or Maddie dragged him downstairs for supper died, decayed, withered away when he stepped into his room and found his pillow already occupied beneath the head of one Danny Phantom. Fenton groaned and slammed the door shut behind him. Phantom, his one-time other half, full time nuisance, looked up from the space magazine he had stolen from Fenton’s desk.

“What are you doing here?” Fenton demanded. “I thought we agreed this is my room?”

“Your room,” Phantom agreed easily. He looked back down at the magazine. “Tucker said you were turned down by one of the girls at your school. I thought I would visit you, make sure you’re okay, but now I can see you just need to be kept from moping.”

Fenton glared at him, but Phantom pretended to be engrossed in the magazine and thus blind to Fenton’s irritation. Fenton scowled and tried a different tact. “Did Tucker also say why she turned me down?”

“No. He wouldn’t even tell me who she was. Who was it?”

Fenton crossed his arms and scowled at his computer desk. That was at least one embarrassment Tucker had saved him from, not that it would do much good. Phantom would find out eventually. “Because she didn’t want me, she wants you.”

Phantom snorted. “Well, that narrows it down to just about everybody.”

Fenton forced a harsh laugh. “Wow, hey! Just rub it in! I needed a little humility today, thank you.”

Phantom sighed and finally lowered the magazine, laying it down on his chest. “This is not my fault, stop trying to pick a fight with me.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes! It is! Just!” Fenton uncrossed his arms and gestured both hands at Phantom. “Look at you!”

It just wasn't fair. From the casual curl of his spectral tail to the broad shoulders beneath a skin-tight jumpsuit to the effortless way his white hair had, at some point, artfully framed his eyes, his face, Phantom looked…hot, even to Fenton. If Fenton took a picture of him right now, the other kids would kill him for it.

“And you’re not even trying,” Fenton finished, groaning the words. “It’s so unfair.” Phantom cocked his head to the side. His white hair slid across his forehead, causing Fenton’s fingers to twitch. He snapped, “Stop that!”

Phantom lifted an eyebrow and his smile quirked at one corner. “I’m not doing anything.”

He even made laughing at Fenton look attractive.

Fenton crossed his arms again. “That just makes it worse. We’re supposed to be reflections of each other, why are you so much more…” He trailed off, searching for the word he wanted.

“Attractive?” Phantom suggested smugly. He sighed then and shrugged his shoulders. “I doubt it’s me. Humans just seem to have some sort of draw to ghosts, I think.”

“It’s you,” Fenton mumbled, refusing to look at him. “Trust me, it’s you.”

Phantom considered that, the words hanging in the silence between them for several long seconds. He morphed his tail into legs and sat up on the bed. He tossed the magazine onto Fenton’s nightstand. “Perhaps I can give you some advice?”

Fenton snorted. “What good is advice going to do?”

“It might help. Come on, sit down.” Phantom crisscrossed his legs under himself and patted the mattress invitingly.

Fenton warily eyed the sheets in front of Phantom. “She already turned me down,” he said. “It’s a little late for advice.”

“Fenton,” Phantom groaned, “stop being shy and get over here.”

Fenton blushed. “I’m not being shy!” He stomped toward the bed to prove it. “I just think this is pointless!” He flopped onto the mattress and crisscrossed his legs under himself, mirroring Phantom as they faced each other. “What do you know about romance anyway? You haven’t dated anyone, have you?”

Phantom only smiled knowingly. An “I won’t answer because it’s more fun to keep you guessing” smile.  

Fenton grumbled under his breath and hunched his shoulders.

“That,” Phantom said as he grabbed one of Fenton’s shoulders, “is the first thing to go.” He pushed back on Fenton’s shoulder. “Sit up straight.”

“What does it matter?” Fenton whined even as he forced himself to straighten his back. “You’re the only one here.”

“Thanks for that,” Phantom said dryly. He shook his head. “It’s a matter of habit, Fenton. The more you do it, the more natural it will feel. It’s an easy fix that is healthier and more attractive. You will look more confident. Confidence is key.”

Fenton blew out a breath and nodded. “Yeah. Okay, okay. I guess yours is always straight.” He looked at the broad line of Phantom’s shoulders and then away again. “What else?”

Phantom moved his hand from Fenton’s shoulder to his hair. “This.” Phantom ran his fingers through Fenton’s hair, and Fenton fought back a reflexive shiver.

“It’s not that different from yours,” Fenton complained. “Except that it’s black.”

“Exactly! It’s black.” Phantom pointedly shook his white hair around. “My hair is white, and it glows. It looks soft. It will always only look soft. Yours could look soft if you fluff it up more, run your fingers through it, make it look inviting, or you can smooth it out and make it shine.” Phantom paused. His fingers tugged a little on Fenton’s hair, and Fenton bowed his head a little to accommodate him. “It’s already trying to shine a little. It could look really pretty…”

“Thanks,” Fenton said, somewhat absently. He wasn’t really interested in fixing up his hair. “There’s no way I can compete with your perfect hair, though.”

“We are not competing.”

Fenton snorted. “That’s a relief.” He looked down at his ankles, tugging on the rim of his sock. “I would hate to keep losing to you all the time.”

Phantom sighed. “Have you considered, perhaps, that she isn’t worth it?”

Fenton pressed his lips together and didn’t reply.

“What was your approach?”

Fenton glanced up. “What?”

“How did you ask her out?”

Fenton shrugged. “I just…did?” Phantom’s fingers moved through his hair again, brushing across his scalp. It felt good. A little too good. Fenton moved his head back and Phantom’s hand fell away. “Does it matter?”

“It can.” Phantom untucked one leg and braced his elbow on his raised knee. Fenton cursed him in his head because of course Phantom would find a way to look attractive just by sitting. “Everyone has barriers to their heart. There are a couple ways for them to lower those barriers. The first and easiest is through attraction. If they’re attracted to you, that’s one barrier down, and they’re more likely to give you a chance.”

Fenton snorted and turned his head away.

Phantom’s fingers touched Fenton’s chin and turned his head back to face him. “You are hotter than you realize, Fenton. You just need confidence.”

Phantom’s fingers were lingering on his chin, so Fenton lowered his eyes instead, looking down and to the side.

“This is how many at your school have tried to catch my attention,” Phantom continued. “Especially Paulina. They think if I find them attractive, I will seek them out, but there are so many trying to catch me, my barriers have to be stronger than that. If it was Paulina you asked out…she would be the same. Was it…?”

Fenton kept staring off to the side and didn’t answer.

Phantom blew out a breath. His fingers finally left Fenton’s chin. “Well. If it were me, I would require more than attraction. Friendship is a suitable way to test waters because few people are willing to lower their defenses to strangers. Just understand a friendship is very different from a relationship and you can’t simply trade one for the other. You might even find you don’t like her as a girlfriend once you know her as a friend.”

“And after all that?” Fenton looked at his other half again. “What about that approach thing?”

Phantom made a face but shrugged. “It’s sort of the same concept. You want her to feel comfortable when you ask. You want her to want you when you ask. Whoever she is, if you just ask her in front of others, she’s going to be embarrassed and on guard. Your best bet is to wait until you’re alone, create an intimate atmosphere, and then propose a date.”

“What?” Fenton smiled crookedly. “Like invite her to my room, sit on the bed with her, and talk about romantic things?”

Phantom caught his reference and widened his eyes. He glanced around, seeming to notice for the first time that the sun was setting, that they were arm’s length apart, that the room was almost perfectly silent. He laughed easily, though, and reflected Fenton’s crooked smile. “I guess so. Give it a shot, then.”

Fenton’s smile faded. “What?”

“Pretend I’m the girl you wanted to ask out.”

Fenton frowned and leaned back. “No.”

Phantom’s crooked smile gained a sharper, mocking edge. “Shy, Fenton?”

“No!”

“Do you need me to show you how?”

Fenton’s cheeks burned and he glared at Phantom. “My ‘barriers’ just shot up and gained steel reinforcements.”

Phantom snickered a moment before shaking his head. “I can lower them again.”

“No, you can’t.”

“I can.”

“Nope.”

Phantom’s smile spread into a wide grin. “Alright. Watch me then.”

He slid his leg out, untucking it from underneath him, and pushed himself onto his knees. Fenton set his hands on the bed behind him and started to push himself backward, but Phantom was a ghost and much faster. He levitated off the bed and flew toward Fenton. His arms wrapped around Fenton’s shoulders, his legs around his waist, holding him in place. It wasn’t necessary. Fenton had frozen in place the moment he felt Phantom’s weight land on his thighs.

Phantom leaned into him and pressed their cheeks together, lips sliding toward Fenton’s ear. “Do you wanna go out tonight, Fenton?” he whispered. 

Fenton remained frozen in place, his heart leaping into his throat.

Phantom’s shoulders shook where they pressed against Fenton’s, and Fenton stiffened. Right. Phantom was playing with him, like always. Teasing was Phantom’s favorite pastime, he wasn’t actually serious, no matter how intimate it felt to have Phantom in his lap. Fenton pushed his hands between their chests and shoved the ghost backward as hard as he could. Phantom fell onto the bed, laughing and moaning a dramatic lament. His legs were still locked around Fenton’s waist, his butt was still cradled between Fenton’s crossed legs, and Fenton, his face flaming and no doubt redder than it had ever been, began tugging at Phantom’s legs, trying to make him let go. Phantom seemed intent on holding onto him for as long as possible just to make Fenton more flustered.

“Rejected!” Phantom moaned dramatically, one hand pressed against his forehead. “By my own other half! Who will love me if I cannot even love myself?”

“Dude, I hate you so much right now!” Fenton groaned. He gave up on Phantom’s legs and rose onto his own knees above him, inadvertently raising Phantom’s lower half because the stupid ghost wouldn’t let go. “You made your point, let go!”

Phantom grinned up at him, white hair wild, green eyes bright. “What point was that again?”

That you can make my heart stop without even trying, Fenton thought but didn’t say. Would never say.

He groaned and fell onto the bed beside him, forcing Phantom to turn onto his side. They faced each other on the bed, Phantom still snickering. Fenton found something inside him responding to the longing buried deep within. His heart still beat fast, there was a nervous, anxious fluttering sensation in his stomach, but Fenton still reached for Phantom’s face. He had had dreams about cupping Phantom’s cheek before, but under this pretense, he was finally able to do it, sliding fingers toward Phantom’s ear, brushing a few errant strands of perfect white hair aside.

Phantom’s laughter trailed off.

Confidence, Fenton told himself, staring into the green eyes only a few inches away from his own. He said I’m hotter than I realize. I can do this. I want this.

“Fenton?” Phantom asked softly.

Fenton took a deep breath and whispered, “Go out with me?”

Phantom stared at him. His mouth opened, but he couldn’t seem to force a word out. He just stared into Fenton’s eyes, seemingly unable to look away.

Fenton’s confidence…broke. He forced a laugh and lifted his hand from Phantom’s cheek. “What? Did I do it wrong?”

“I…” Bright green light flushed Phantom’s face. “No!” His legs released Fenton’s waist and he began to scoot backward, pulling his left leg out from beneath Fenton’s waist. “No! That was…that was great! I—I don’t know why she turned you down? You seem to have a knack for this.”

Fenton pushed himself onto his elbow to help Phantom pull his leg out. He frowned, though, watching Phantom. He had never seen his other half behave so erratic. He wasn’t even looking at Fenton anymore. “Are you okay?”

“Fine!” Phantom finally met Fenton’s eyes and flashed a bright, false grin. “Everything is fine! Why? Are you okay?”

“Ye-yes?” Fenton replied, even more unsure now. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, you just got rejected by whoever it was you asked out, and I only came here to find out who it was and make sure you were okay, and if you are then…” Phantom trailed off. He stared at Fenton.

There was a thick, somewhat frantic tension in the air, and Fenton forced a laugh, trying to dispel it. “Dude, you look like you’re having an epiphany or something. Do you need me to call Jazz?”

“No!” Phantom stared at Fenton a moment longer and then looked away, shoving a hand into his hair. “Maybe...?” He shook his head. “I should go. Patrol. And. Stuff.”

“Okay,” Fenton said, still hesitant. “Will you come back? Later, I mean. Maybe if I told you who it was you can tell me where I went wrong.”

Phantom’s jaw clenched. “Yes. Maybe. Or maybe you shouldn’t tell me. I don’t think I want to know.”

“Why not?”

Phantom looked at him helplessly for a moment before shaking his head. “I might want to beat her up.”

Fenton snorted. “What, defend my honor after it was crushed?”

“Something like that.” Phantom laughed and ducked his head. “Or maybe just so I can feel sorry for myself.”

“Why? You’re the one she wants.”

“Well.” Phantom shrugged. He floated off the bed, his legs forming into a spectral tail. “That isn’t going to happen. Ever.”

Fenton sighed and fell off his elbow, landing on his back. “Thanks for that, I guess, but you don’t even know who she is yet. You might already like her.”

“I don’t like…” Phantom coughed. “I-I don’t like anyone.”

“Oh.” Fenton stared up at the ceiling. “That’s good to know.”

“Yeah…” A few seconds of silence passed between them before Phantom abruptly said, “Bye, Fenton,” and flew from the room.

Fenton waited a minute to make sure he was gone before he rolled over onto his stomach and screamed into the mattress.

[the-darklings]

*kicks down your door* Can I get a whole alphabet with the psycho husband please?? (Not the sandy one thanks) 🤡

asking for lucien & trash-talking the elder? iconic behaviour. so this is for npfh!lucien/reader but the inbox still open for other characters/ships (or combos)

ADORABLE (what do they find especially endearing?)

endearing isn't a word often associated with Lucien but if there's one thing he might later down the line find somewhat amusing and kinda cute it's the willingness to oppose him, especially in a physical sense. there's little chance to win against him but deep down he might find that willingness to not back down cute/admirable, even if it's likely to come out as sardonic on his part

BARGAIN (how do they get their way?)

well, he's good at getting his way, lets just say that. towards others he's usually downright menacing but Lucien has a presence that's frightening on a good day, much less if he's actually angry. in a relationship he's def more maniable but not by much. usually if he sees something has to go one way, he's stuck in that mindset for a while, he's too individualistic for anything else which can def cause arguments/disagreements

COMMUNICATE (what is their love language?)

physical touch is a big one for him. because he allows very few lay hands on him after the kind of life he's had, so him taking pleasure from your touch is the biggest and surest way to know he cares and wants you. be it a gentle touch (rare but possible) or meaner more rough handling (careful enough not to hurt but only just), it's his secondary language of communication since he's not the talkative one especially about feelings

DEVOTED (how do they show they're serious?)

you know. just... trust me, you really know. Lucien makes no exceptions for anyone (except clara/v) so if you're his person the mere way he looks at you is different, the air around you for him is different. a massive cat that hates everyone else purring in your lap energy. there's also the fact that he actually seeks you out while he usually very much prefers to be completely alone.

ENCHANTED (what first caught their eye?)

it's unlikely the first impression was a positive either from his side or yours, or both. he doesn't really see or take note of others often. people are more background noise for him after being locked up for so long so he's still learning in that regard. but one thing you would def need with Lucien is perseverance and patience, so that dedication not to give up on him despite the prickly edges is likely the first thing he would take note of. physically you can be as beautiful as you want, he won't care about that. lust for him is nothing more than an itch. you could try and wear him down and get him to fuck you but don't expect it to mean anything to him or for him to come back for seconds, he doesn't operate that way.

FLIRTY (how do they flirt?)

his flirting is honestly more sly, mean-edged wordplay. he's not the flirty type to begin with so don't expect anything flustering (unless you're more into the rough-spoken/meaner wordplay) but you being clingy after he returns from a long period away would certainly prompt a few comments.

GENTLE (how do they provide comfort?)

again, not particularly amazing with words, and even worse with comfort. he's not the mopey type and will not sit around handing you tissues. if someone hurt you? they're dead, simple as. but if it's being upset by some outside factor, he would likely have a hard time wrapping his mind around it (more so a consequence of his lifestyle/upbringing) so the more likely course of action would be a distraction. whether this is physical or activity-based is up to you.

HOT (what is their favourite look on their partner?)

something easy for him to rip off your body, also enjoys you naked in nothing but his shirts. he's really tall (like the man is 6.1 1/5) so anything of his usually hangs down to your tighs. he also likes the easy access : )

INTIMATE (what kind of date do they like?)

he's not really the dating type. spending time together in silence or murmurs of quiet conversation is usually as close you come to a date. sometimes, if needed for a job for the pit, you might tag along if he needs to go pay a visit at a club etc. then maybe some dancing. he's not half bad at it, either. but he def enjoys watching you if you dance, his eyes are unlikely to slip away once.

JEALOUS (how jealous are they? how do they show it?)

oh, he gets jealous alright. if you're the exception, you're the exception. he won't share you with anyone except clara but that's a topic for another time. he's not about to go alpha male type but the air around him is chilling. he trusts you (if you managed to wear him down enough to be with him, he knows you're not some flimsy wet wipe who's easily swayed) but the other party can def get into trouble. also most certainly expect some rough sex that evening, he's far greedier but equally so more attentive.

KARMA (how do they apologize?)

he has a hard time apologising. not because he can't accept the fact that he's done something wrong/is prideful but mainly because things people do get upset about often seem so trivial to him. again, more so a byproduct of the life he's had opposed to any actual unwillingness to say sorry. actual words would likely only leave his lips if something major has happened.

LUST (favourite thing about their partner?)

willingness to stick by him because he knows full well he's not the easiest crayon in the box to colour your life with. physically, likely laugh and durability : )

MEMORY (what's their favourite memory together?)

likely the first kiss but for different reasons. for you, it's a victory and confirmation you're feelings are not once sided after a sizable struggle to get closer to him while for him it's likely the first time in years he's felt a physical draw that goes beyond just wanting to scratch an itch. also, first person besides clara he felt anything other than indifference or hatred towards. the memory itself is a searing thing infused with passion so it's certainly one to remember.

NORMAL (what does a normal day look like for them?)

there's no such thing as "normal" with him. Lucien isn't around often (at least not initially or for a while) so time together is savoured. Lucien tends to wake up early (he doesn't sleep much in general) and does long morning workouts to burn off the edge of violence constantly swimming in his blood. the most likely way to wake up in the mornings if he's around is to feel his mouth and hand on your or hear the shower start. he's not opposed to you joining him.

OBVIOUS (how do they show they're together?)

while Lucien is not the most PDA-friendly person, he would eventually get used to someone's presence at his side and, as such, not move away from any physical touch outright. nor does he mind - and even prefers - to touch you occasionally in public. these displays are usually only limited to when you're home at the pit of vipers, however, as there's still safety and prying eyes to consider.

PEACE (how do they relax together?)

usually in his room, regardless of the actual activity. Lucien enjoys fresh air though (old lingering unease about being trapped between walls) so expect to spend a fair amount of time upon the Pit of Viper's roof terrace and surrounded by clara's plants, flowers and herbs. there's bustling sounds of the city around you but it's like a small corner of paradise that's almost kissing the skyline.

QUIET (what can they do together without talking?)

Lucien enjoys training a fair amount to help himself focus and burn energy off, so he would be happy for you to join in or simply watch. in the same vein, he doesn't enjoy silences (despite not being very talkative himself) so he does listen to a fair amount of music; anything to fill the quiet. he would be happy to try some of your hobbies eventually too, as long as they're not too irritating.

ROMANTIC (what kind of gifts do they give?)

once more not typical boyfriend material where you can be expected to be pampered and showered with gifts. presents from lucien are few and far in between (and pretty much non-existent during initial paces of relationship) he doesn't believe loyalty can be expressed in presence, and loyalty is higher for him on the scale than love. that being said, eventually, you can def expect one or two things down the line. they're more like to be meaningful and have meaning. likely a show that though he's not the most chatty-cat out there, he always listens and nothing escapes his notice, especially when it's you.

SLEEP (how do they sleep together?)

with you likely tucked under his chin or his arm an iron band around your waist holding you to him. this does take a while to fully bloom into effect though since initially he can be a bit callous in this regard.

THOUGHTFUL (what small things do they do for each other?)

the big one Lucien appreciates more than most is the ability to recognise when he needs space because his mindset is in a dark place. for you, it's the smaller things like finding covers pulled up over your naked body although the other side of the bed is long since cool. or how despite you both knowing he needs to leave, the ever-building sense that he lingers for as long as he can each time, as if some part of him isn't happy to be leaving as it once was.

UNITY (what would their wedding be like?)

not the marrying type. just straight up. again believes loyalty is expressed in a different sense and his devotion is concrete, so he sees little reason to attach any labels or papers on what you have.

VIBRANT (what always makes them smile?)

very little does. with what he's been through his smiles are elusive and incredibly hard to come back (unless they're more insincere/sarcastic things because then they're more common) but way down the line there might be few instances when you feel his mouth stretching against one side of your head if you rush to greet him after one of his returns. they're private and tucked away from anyone's eyes, however.

WHISPER (what pet names and compliments do they use?)

"pretty girl" : )

XOXO (how do they kiss?)

except bruising and hard, very intense. lip bites. few chances to draw breath because he's on you at once. he very much enjoys it if its intensity returned. scratch those nails down his neck, rip at his hair - he welcomes all of it.

YEARN (what do they do when they're apart?)

you likely have plenty to do around the Pit even if not officially one of the Vipers, and he's away making sure no enemies can blindside the Pit which more often than not means murder. minds mutually wonder towards each other often though.

ZOOM (what's their favourite picture together?)

most likely a picture either Step or Noah managed to grab of you together in a little Pit gathering/dinner. Lucien is likely facing away from the camera, unimpressed by whatever is happening, and you're caught mid-laugh. casual at first glance until you look closer and note how you're leaning into him and his head is lowered towards you, his arm half curled around you.

[gottawriteanegoortwo]

I for one would love to read where Damien spends the day with Wilford and sees the parts of William that Wilford still has but also see the parts that make Wilford wonderful all on his own, I can't to read it and since it was written by you I know it will be awesome.

@mrsdanieljackson

… Well then. It’s certainly very lucky that I started typing something kinda along those lines out while waiting for my laptop to run some calibrations this evening, so it was a surprise to see this ask!

(Click here for William and Dark, if you haven't read that!)

Context: Before Damien was released, I used to write a Dark that had Damien fully conscious and trapped in the back of the mind. The last time I wrote this scenario (which you can find here with a better explanation of the Dark!), it had a scene of confrontation between Damien and Wilford, so this ought to be a little better.

“ you’re shivering. here, take my jacket… ”

Word count: 986

-

One moment, Damien was in the stilled moment of darkness that was his eternity. The next, Damien was blinking himself into consciousness on the floor of the break room with five men peering down at him.

"We're sorry!!" One of two identical men in sky blue shirts wailed.

"Jim and me didn't know a weather chart would do that..." The other identical man whimpered.

"Would you two be quiet?" The man dressed like a doctor snapped. "The last thing we want is to provoke him."

"Ehhh, it might be too late for that" A man dressed in a neat black suit and glasses shrugged. "I mean, Dark is a not-human something-or-other. Blinking can anger him."

"The Host interjects to remind the others that there are more important matters to be concerned about. Mainly, the sound of someone frantically running down the corridor and entering the room with -"

"WHAT HAPPENED?!" Damien flinched at the outburst. Four of the men stepped back to let the new voice approach, while the doctor began recalling the events. Apparently, Jim and Jim (not at all confusing!) had accidentally summoned a demon in the break room while practising their lines for a weather report. Dark, who had merely stepped in to make coffee, fought the demon and dispersed it before it could escape. Damien was pulled up to a sitting position, but the world spun before his eyes. It was noticed.

"Can y’all, like, fuck off fer ten minutes?" The voice closest to Damien was a saviour that brought the sweet bliss of silence. Once the door closed, Damien finally lifted his head to see his rescuer.

It was Wilford. Damien only recognised him because of the strong love seeping through from Dark. It was the first thing he knew about this new world, but he was almost sure that Wilford looked like William. But… No. That wouldn’t make sense. The accent wasn’t right. It must be a coincidence.

"Can ya stand, sweetheart? I wanna getcha sittin’ down." Damien nodded and clambered onto his feet with help from Wilford. Once sitting, Damien became the focus of Wilford's fussing. The reporter incessantly checked every part of Damien's body, making sure that there were any other injuries. He waved a finger in front of Damien's face to make sure there wasn't any loss of focus.

"D'ya remember what happened?" Damien shook his head.

"Ya know who I am?" Damien nodded.

"C-can ya talk?" Damien hesitated, then nodded slowly in guilt.

"I -" Oh dear. Damien's voice didn't sound right at all. He didn’t want to cause Wilford more stress by telling him the truth, but opting for silence seemed to be a bad decision. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't worry you like that." Wilford's eyes widened, and Damien was fearful that the other realised this wasn't Dark. Wilford reached out and placed his warm hands on Damien's cheeks. When Damien's body involuntarily trembled in response, Wilford's expression turned more sympathetic.

"Thought so. Yer shivering. Here, take my jacket."

"But you -" Damien was interrupted by Wilford reaching past him and tugging a magenta suit jacket off the back of the chair. Damien swore it wasn't there when he sat down. He thought it better to accept the jacket without doubting his sanity, pulling it closer to him the moment it was put over his shoulders. "Thank you… I can't shake this chill…"

"Ya get like this when ya use too much of yer spooooky energy." Something that was further emphasised by Wilford dramatically wiggling his fingers with a tone of voice William definitely used before while making a joke. Damien snorted, which spurred Wilford on. "It's true! Ya act all serious and whatnot but ya shiver when ya use too much power. That's why I'm here. I'm yer personal body-warmer."

Damien’s gaze dropped to the jacket. He knew Dark loved Wilford, and he could see it was reciprocated. If this really was William in a new life, he didn’t want to cause distress and possibly strain the relationship with Dark. William was his friend. Even after everything, he’d support William and his happiness. As much as he would like to enjoy the day of freedom, there was something more important to do.

"Then, might it be possible to avail of the body-warming services?"

Wilford's face lit up as he placed his hands on Damien's shoulders. Damien blinked, and found himself sitting on a couch in another room with Wilford beside him. Then, he was snatched up and placed on Wilford's lap.

"I’m glad ya asked I wasn't gonna letcha go back ta work after all this. So get comfy an' build yer strength back." Warm arms wrapped around Damien and kept him close as Wilford relaxed into the couch.

Damien ignored the wave of guilt for avoiding the truth. This was the right choice. If Damien could build up energy by letting the body rest, then Dark could regain control. But as he sat there, he could feel the influence of Dark bubbling to the surface again. Surely Dark wouldn’t mind if Damien indulged in this moment? He never had the opportunity to pursue a romantic relationship while alive, and this may very well be the only time to experience something like this.

For once, Damien decided to be selfish as he cuddled in closer. The action was rewarded with a kiss to the top of his head. Damien knew he never felt so safe before. A brief pang of regret for never confessing his feelings to someone hit him, but he forced it aside as Wilford adjusted his hold and encouraged Damien to rest his head against the reporter's chest.

It wasn't long before the past life dozed off. He knew it would be back to the space he was trapped in after this but… it would be worth it for a moment of knowing what it was like to have a lover in your life.