#he is pursuing a relationship with someone who is completely unhealthy for him yet you cannot do anything about it

[bisexual-slime]

I'm well aware the pain I'm in is self inflicted. but that doesn't mean I know how to or even want to stop :)

[merakiui]

I just realized that we still don't have headcannons about general Yandere! Rollo. What do you think he will be like? Soft or completely sadistic and controlling?

-💫 anon

Omg you're right! Allow me to share my thoughts!! I also recently found this absolute blessing with Rollo in Guchiry's Orthodoxia. I think it's very fitting!

(cw: yandere, nsfw, unhealthy behaviors/relationship, kidnapping/captivity, gaslighting/manipulation, obsession, mentions of abuse of power)

Rollo is the type of man who has a cold exterior and an equally frigid interior, though once he meets someone who manages to charm him his heart gradually defrosts. His standards are rather strict for both those around him and himself, and he has a penchant for orderly conduct. You'll occupy Rollo's thoughts if you cause mischief within Noble Bell's sacred walls, if you are a constant presence in his life, whether helpful and mannerly or not, or if you're a magic user. Though he's hypocritical, Rollo detests magic; it doesn't matter how secretly fond of you he may be. If you use magic, a large part of him will want to permanently snuff it. Only he is permitted to wield magic, as he is responsible and correct in his judgments.

He clings to pleasant things, yet it is negativity that usually pursues him, especially pleasant things that are fleeting. You are not a permanent fixture in his life. Rather, there isn't much connection between the two of you and for that reason you're more of an unobtainable prize he has yet to claim. Despite living in a city renowned for its romance, Rollo has never thought much of love (though it chews through him when he thinks of you). He was content with all that he had as a child; romance was never an inherent need. Though after the tragic loss of his brother, he's felt empty and incomplete, alone and regretful. Slowly consumed by his own grief and abhorrence. He is a shell of himself, a hollowed, inconsolable man who lives off of spite but also, ever since he met you, the brightness you bring into his gloomy life.

He cannot stand others, especially mages, and when he occasionally displays a more disgusted expression instead of his usual stony-faced look his hatred of the masses only becomes that much more visually apparent. And yet he can't bring himself to truly loathe you in the way he loathes others. When he finds himself conversing with you, he does not scowl or grumble under his breath. At first he simply thought it was because he fancied you because you were new or different or unique or interesting. Now he lives off of you like a parasite. He needs to see you. He needs to know you still exist. He needs to know you won't leave him or fall victim to the foolish whims of childish mages. And if you really did wish to leave, he certainly wouldn't make it easy. Gates are meant to keep people in, you see, and Rollo will gladly cage you if it means he can have you for himself.

A part of him is repulsed by his mounting obsession; he realizes this cannot possibly classify as the sugared love that most inhabitants within the City of Flowers dream of experiencing. But what is obsession if not another synonym for fond devotion? Surely this is justified; surely his feelings for you are understandable. He's in love! Love isn't a bad thing; he is not a bad thing. Rollo will make you see this, even if he must carve this ideal into your very being so that you'll know.

With this newfound "love" of his, thoughts spiral and snowball. Most are intrusive and unwanted reflections of the most impure sins. He looks at you like a starved man seeing a buffet for the first time in weeks. He thinks of you like you are the only one he ought to believe in. And your name tastes sweet in his mouth when he breathes it in like it's the oxygen he needs to survive. He'll chant it over and over when he works himself towards the edge of ecstasy. Sometimes, through the clearing haze of the orgasmic aftermath, he considers seeking you out to have the real thing instead of just a fleeting fantasy. There is the angel on his shoulder who tells him he ought to respect you more, who reminds him that you are not a thing but rather a human being with your own autonomy and that it wouldn't be right to strip that from you. But then there's the devil on his other shoulder who whispers filth, who is giddy at the idea of all that he could do if he just used his position as student council president to do away with the concept of choice.

Of course Rollo never listens to either. He's satisfied with the version of you he's constructed in his mind—the you who diligently waits for him in bed, the you who is so willing to spread your legs for him, the you who utters his name in gasps and sighs as it's the only thing he'll allow you to say. Rollo thinks this might just be madness or a particularly nasty curse because when you plague his thoughts—which is nearly 24/7 now—the slightest thing has him teetering on the precipice. He wants to ruin you so that no one else will be able to repair you, but he also wants to lay himself at your feet and have you card your fingers through his hair, to hear you say "there, there" and banish all that ails him. To judge him fairly and virtuously in a way that the Bell of Salvation cannot. If you could just take his hands in yours and relieve him of all the agony that has burdened him... If you could just look at him and echo his sentiments—insist upon his good nature and reward him for being a saint even though deep down he knows he is far from it—he might feel whole again.

Even devilish fiends are worthy of love, though their love is the hatred that is cast upon them by those who cannot understand or sympathize with their circumstances. Rollo toes the line between friend and fiend. He is fair, as expected of the student council president. He is forgiving, as expected of one who is held in high regard. He puts on a polite and welcoming façade. But he is arrogant and hateful and cruel. He is every bit the fiend and the friend, all wrapped into one, and since he's the only one worthy of utilizing magic he has nothing to lose when the Crimson Lotuses blossom in full. And a man who has nothing to lose is the most dangerous fiend of all.

Rollo has little room in his heart for others. No one is worthy of making a home out of his cold, barren heart. But he will warm it for you; he will create a hearth so that you may be swathed in sweetness when he brings the gavel down upon all mages and subjects them to flowery hell. And you will be there to witness the spectacle. Whoever said he didn't like the festivities of a good tradition? Ah, but taking from others is not very festive, nor is it considered good. But this is what's right. It doesn't have to be good so long as it's correct. You can cry, you can scream, you can object. But he will remain firm in his assessment. Though he fancies you, you cannot sway him on this matter. If he must chain you to him so that you can finally see his perspective from high up in the tower, then he will. And he hopes the fiery sight will scorch itself into your retinas so that you may never forget that this very magic—the magic you seem so fond of—is not as whimsical or cute as you may have initially thought.

Sometimes Rollo thinks he ought to split himself open and place you within his ribs so that you may exist as his heart, fluttery and fluffy like a little canary. Sometimes he thinks he ought to keep you within the bell tower. As its keeper, he's free to do as he pleases. No one would dare question his authority on the matter. Until he makes a suitable space for you within his room or one of the secret, shadowed passages scattered throughout Noble Bell, you will remain trapped in the tower, only permitted to see and speak with him. He frames it amiably—he's saving you, can't you see? Magic is such a potent thing, and he can't possibly lose you like he lost his little brother. He'd much sooner shatter the skeleton that supports him than let you perish.

Rollo does not force your obedience through intimidation or violence. Rather, he twists your perception with eerily skillful persuasion. Every bad thing will be framed in a positive light. This is not captivity; this is protection. This is not hell; this is heaven—or the closest you'll ever be to the skies above at this height. This is not infatuation; this is salvation. Rollo never raises his voice, nor does he raise a hand to you. He speaks softly and patiently, offering very rare smiles that are not hidden behind his celestial-patterned handkerchief. He kneels before you, holds his hands out so that you might place yours in his, and tells you that he is only doing what's best for you. Surely you must understand this. The world is dangerous. The world is unfair. The world is scary. The world devours powerless people like you and him. He knows this because he's seen it. He's lived it. He wouldn't do anything to hurt you, but keeping you here with him must be done because it's the only way he can ensure your safety. The only way he can save you.

Your confinement is what you make of it. If you wish to be difficult and disobedient, your situation and your outlook will never improve. If you wish to keep an open mind and accept the sanctuary Rollo has so generously provided for you, you will feel happier. And when he echoes this lie enough times, it will eventually become the truth. He brings you homemade meals, he brings you pastries from town, and he brings you entertainments like books and board games. He'll sit up there for hours when his schedule is cleared and play cards with you, allowing you to win so that you may feel like you've triumphed over him in some way.

And when all of Noble Bell is consumed in Crimson Lotuses, he extends his hand towards you for a waltz, his pale, sleepless features accentuated in horrible hues of orange and red. Dance with him to the sounds of suffering. Sway with him to the tolls of the Bell of Salvation as the hour of reckoning draws near. Feast your beautiful eyes on the terrors of magic and let it be a cruel reminder that there is no good to be found in malice.

Take his hand and accept him for all that he is, as he is the only mage worthy of safeguarding you with his love.

[akkpipitphattana]

Hello!!!

I saw this post https://www.tumblr.com/victorialovesstiles/731872422364577792/ray-and-his-need-to-be-actively-chosen-another about Ray’s need to be chosen by Sand and OH MY GOD have I been waiting for someone to talk about this!!! (or part of it bc this is only a part of the bigger issue, which I haven’t seen a full post about yet) and I want to know what you think.

So I am someone who… relates a little too much to Ray. I pretty much fit him to a T in terms of the problems he deals with (except drug and alcohol addiction, I pursued other unhealthy ways of coping). The week between episodes 10 and 11 was truly agonizing because it was almost like going through what Ray was going through bc I know exactly what that’s like. But, anyways, I can understand Ray on a deeper level than I can other characters (I share a lot of issues with Sand as well, but that’s a topic for another time) and we need to dissect Ray’s abandonment issues straight to the core.

Ray has abandonment issues up the wazoo, and while I’ve seen posts talk about his issues with his dad and why he depends on alcohol in the first place, I have yet to see one take a deep dive into just what all of that means (it very well might exist, I just haven’t seen one).

Ray feels abandoned. By his mother, his father, and everyone in his life. He is no one’s first choice. He is constantly being told how much of a burden he is. It’s hard to explain what that does to a person unless you’ve lived through it. It makes you feel unloved, worthless, dead weight. You distrust people and don’t let them in bc who knows when (when, not if, bc this is something ingrained in your mind after a while) they’ll abandon you.

So how do you live with it? You find outlets. A lot of the time abandonment issues start when you are very young and have no idea how to cope with anything, so a lot of times these outlets can be harmful. What’s worse, is you often develop a dependency on these things. For Ray, that’s alcohol. Until Sand came along, you could pry alcohol from his cold dead hands (much like me and my TV shows).

A lot of the time, abandonment issues come with massive trust issues. Ray doesn’t seem to have these at first glance, but then he almost immediately falls into “self-fulfilling prophecy” after SandRay becomes indisputably real. Everything is “too good” with Sand, therefore it must be destroyed before it hurts Ray. This is a big thing with abandonment issues people. If we destroy something first, we haven’t been abandoned, it was us who left, not the other way around. Say you’re living in a flat with a roommate whose name is on the lease. They tell you you have 2 weeks to pack your things and leave, but you are gone in 1 week. You tell yourself that it was your decision bc you decided to move out the first week, therefore you weren’t kicked out.

This is essentially what Ray is doing. He’s confronted with this information about Sand and instead of talking it through or doing quite literally anything else, he blows up in Sand’s face. He feels betrayed and is facing the possibility that everything between him and Sand has been a lie. “You slept with me” is so real for him bc he let someone in and he can’t face the possibility of being abandoned. So he self-destructs all over Sand (he tells himself he wanted to end the relationship, not that the relationship was never real) and this completes the self-fulfilling prophecy and everything he’s ever told himself and why he hates himself is “proven” again: that he is just a burden, his only worth is his money, no one cares about him. He knows deep down that this isn’t true, but it’s easier to fulfill the prophecy than counter it bc countering it means facing his greatest fear: the possibility of being abandoned.

It was so comforting to see him face that fear and go back to Sand in episode 11 🥹 his love for Sand was more powerful and he just couldn’t bear to lose him. His abandonment issues certainly aren’t resolved (probably why he keeps suggesting threesomes as a way to force Sand to choose him and/or providing the opportunity to fulfill his abandonment prophecy) and I’m guessing it will continue to crop up in his relationship with Sand after this whole Boeing thing gets (hopefully) resolved until he finally is able to truly feel safe. (That’s another thing for abandonment issues people, we rarely feel “safe”, oftentimes security comes from knowing you’ll be abandoned bc that is the only constant). The only upside to Ray never letting himself believe he is actually worth something his whole life is that he hasn’t let himself trust people and then be abandoned all over again so there are less hurdles to jump over. Sand is a very patient and understanding person (sometimes to his detriment) so I think with even basic communication, they should be able to work through this together fairly quickly.

Wow, that was a lot of thoughts 😅 if you read this, thank you 😊

-MA

saw this in my inbox this morning and was like “oh i so cannot read that before going to class, i’ll lose it” and here i am, having lost it. and you’re so so right with everything you said.

it’s kind of funny, though, that you bring up relating heavily to ray and somewhat to sand cause i’m the opposite sjdkekd i relate a LOT to sand and can still see myself in small bits in ray. they’re both incredibly real and well written characters and its very clear what their motivations are and why they make certain choices, even if logically we know they should do other things. really i feel that way about all the characters in this show, which is why it’s so frustrating to me when people cherry pick who to be mad at and can’t be understanding of their motivations at all. this week it was sand and while i get people are protective of ray, it’s not sand’s fault that ray feels this way. yes, sand needs to be firm with boeing, but not because it’s hurting ray but because it’s hurting sand. its not sand’s responsibility to make sure ray never gets scared that sand’s gonna leave because there’s no way to prevent that because like you said, ray has abandonment issues and those are gonna keep sneaking in no matter what sand does or doesn’t do. and that’s why it’s good he’s in therapy and also why sand should probably join him because my baby needs to learn to value himself

[timidloner]

OH MY GOD. Your story is so good, it completely made my day, my weekend. I love love LOVE this!

There’s something about someone who’s completely and undoubtedly devoted to you that I can’t help but love and desire 🥹

And I LIVE for the possessiveness and jealousy and I feel weird for liking it so much because it’s so unhealthy yet I find it so hot AAAHHH 😭

Also, may I ask for more details into Leonor and Cordell’s love(?) story? I’m a romantic at heart and I like to believe that they loved each other and still do. Are we going to meet them again, by the way?

Well, anyway, wanna be friends, dear author? Because I think we might share the same tastes in fictional characters 🤭 I hope you have a very lovely day and I’m sorry for the long ask 😅💛

Aww, thank you very much!!

And please, don't feel weird about it! I know is very frowned upon to like dark fiction or bad characters these days, but I've never seen the issue with it when it's an adult community. It's fiction, after all, and that serves as a way to safely explore unhealthy fantasies.

But I'm saying all this, and I also was nervous to put my writing out there and get canceled, haha. Even though I think Joren is very tame overall.

Now, more info about Leonor and Cordell...

They really were in love.

Cordell is common-born, and, in his youth, he was obsessed with becoming important and sticking to what was proper in society's eyes.

He hated Leonor when they first met, she was wild and cared nothing for social rules or religion (changed her tune when the creatures appeared, lol). Meanwhile, she enjoyed making him angry a great deal, and even regularly flirted with him during their chases.

At some point, he got nearly run over by a carriage during one of those chases, and Leonor saved him. That was their turning point.

They keep with that charade, but Leonor wasn't even keeping the things she stole. She always dropped them at his door some days later. And he, in turn, left flowers and small presents carved on wood for her to find by his window.

Yes, sometimes someone else took them, lmao

Then they slept together and she showed him her identity. Things were good for a good while, maybe one or two years. She thought she could make him forget about society's rules, and he thought he could reform her.

They started to fight more, and more. And then, he became the chief of the town's guards and the minor noble families started to notice him. One of them was interested in marrying their third daughter to him, which would have been a great opportunity, he'd belong to a noble house by marriage, even if it was a really minor one.

It got to his head... and you see what happened after that. In the end, he didn't pursue that marriage, but his relationship with Leonor was destroyed.

But even now that they're "strangers", he still loves her and protects her from afar. He's the reason why Leonor can get away with nearly anything in MC's hometown. She's a retired thief, but sometimes she had to steal to feed MC and Cordell knows that, so he looks away when he can.

And yes! Let's be friends! Do you want a special anon tag? I do this with Rambling, who I kinda see as a friend (hope this isn't weird, ram).

Leonor doesn't love him anymore, though. But she's grateful for his help and respects him (until the prologue). She was thinking about finally introducing MC to their father in one or two years.

EDIT: Arg, I forgot to say this, but I don't know if Leonor and Cordell will appear again or not. It's a maybe!

And don't worry about the long ask, I love them!

[megashadowdragon]

re zero comment I completely agree with responding to the people who try to make fics which try to spite emillia for telling subaru to wait

Hello, I'd like to politely disagree with this idea. I do think it can be done in an interesting way, and of course, you or anyone else is welcome to like this idea or write it (and iirc I believe I said in a previous fanfic ideas thread that I started writing one of your past ideas!). However, I just don't agree with this idea on both a characterization level and a personal level.

Subaru learns throughout season one that Emilia isn't obligated at all to return his feelings, and by the end of arc 4, he's perfectly fine waiting for her as much as it takes - because he also, iirc, isn't 100% ready for an official romantic relationship. And even if he DID think that he was ready for a relationship, he's absolutely not ready for one due to his own trauma. He has no way of making a full recovery from it atm when 1. he can't completely talk about his trauma due to the rbd taboo and 2. your trauma and personal issues will leak out when you have relationships with other people. Your relationship with yourself is directly connected to your relationship with other people, and it's important to improve on yourself either before entering a romantic relationship and/or WHILE you're in a relationship. The same goes for Emilia, especially with the growth she needs to have with her own maturity as well.

That, and my source is that I was in a serious romantic relationship for two years with someone I was friends with for five years prior to that.

If you truly love someone, you'll be willing to wait for as long as it takes - and if they realize they don't reciprocate your feelings, it's far healthier for both of you to let go of the possibility of having a romantic relationship with each other. I know that Subaru and Emilia are fictional characters, and by no means am I saying that you can't write them having any sort of conflict, but I'm uncomfortable with all the unreasonable Emilia hate over their canon relationship. When you're writing characters having unhealthy behaviors (ie: expecting a girl you like to like you back and withholding affection out of resentment), it's important to be aware that it's unhealthy and not at all a good basis for relationships in general irl.

I keep seeing the idea floating around that Emilia owes Subaru and that Subaru should be mad that Emilia won't be in a romantic relationship with him yet, and again, it's an interesting plot idea - but I think we should all keep reminding ourselves that this is not how an actual healthy relationship works, romantic or not. That, and Subaru himself is not mad at all over this in canon. Of course, in fanfic you can do whatever you please with his character (and that's the fun thing about fanfiction, taking alternate routes from canon!), but it's important to make that distinction, and I don't want this harmful idea of "giving Emilia a taste of her own medicine" to be spread. If Subaru would really like to establish what exactly his and Emilia's relationship is, they can communicate with each other too and make it "official", whether that's clearly agreeing to wait to officially date later, dating now, or establishing that they're friends and nothing other than that.

The former (officially dating later) seems to be the energy I get from Emisuba in canon, because again, Subaru is willing to wait as long as it takes until he and Emilia are either ready to date each other or until they pursue other people. This is also the healthiest possible response you could have in a situation like this.

TLDR: canon Subaru would never be resentful towards Emilia for this, and it's important to know and emphasize that the behavior Subaru has in a prompt like this is unhealthy. Of course, this may also be me misreading the tone of prompts like this (the idea that Subaru is RIGHT for having this sort of behavior), but again, as I said, I don't want the idea to spread that Subaru is somehow right for doing that. Because it's an extremely interesting plot idea, but he is by no means right in this situation.

Is it upsetting when someone you like doesn't reciprocate your feelings and replies after two years of waiting? Yes, it can be. But Subaru himself made the choice to wait for Emilia; he's wrong for being resentful when she DOES feel ready to reciprocate his feelings and officially return them. She is not to blame for his own behavior, and this goes for anything regarding relationships irl. As someone who was in a serious romantic relationship and learned the hard way about how to handle a relationship, relationships are not easy at all. You should not rush into them before you feel ready, and again - if you love someone, you'd either wait as long as it takes OR communicate with the person that you won't wait for them.

Anyway, I apologize if I did misread your prompt, but - as I said earlier in this very long post - I've been seeing ideas like this float around a lot in the fandom. I always see it either here on reddit, or on twitter, or on AO3 or fanfic.net, and I wanted to put in my two cents about this. It's a good story idea, just not a good thing to do with real relationships, and that distinction should be made.

[astrum-naut]

enamored (yandere jason todd, yandere tim drake, older! yandere damian wayne headcanons)

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I’m still alive I swear.

WARNING/s:  jealousy, possessiveness, unhealthy behaviors, mentions of kidnapping, death, murder, stalking, non-consensual monitoring or usage of cameras, toxic relationships, bullying, manipulation, stealing clothes LMAOO, alleged breaking and entering

Always remember that this is a work of fiction and everything written does not fully encompass and describe Jason Todd, Tim Drake, and Damian Wayne’s personality and character. Feel free to send in asks / questions / clarifications / thoughts about them as well.

j. todd

First of all, I would just like to know what you did in your past life for this fine-ass man to want to be the object of your affections. 

It’s pretty much an open secret amongst both the Bat-family and the general public (to some extent) that he’s the black sheep in the sea of children Bruce had adopted. Even with the whispers of his broken past and nefarious deeds, he’s going to shock you with his quiet demeanor enhanced by his devilish looks. 

You’d expect him to have armfuls of women at his beck and call, but his introverted bookworm personality DEFINITELY leaves you a lot more vulnerable and interested in his charms. 

Yet, that does not remove how much this man still boasts a lot of red flags under plain sight. 

A wolf in sheep's clothing through and through, his hot temperament and violent streak only cover up the hole in his heart to be desired and loved.

Your relationship with him is most likely going to be an amalgamation of Bruce’s and Dick’s towards their respective darlings but obviously with Jason’s strife and behavior to the situation.

For one, you both are in this push-and-pull relationship. It may seem like you are doing most of the work and being the most affected, but that notion couldn’t even be more wrong. Jason’s definitely struggling to make sense of his feelings. He's never felt this intense of emotions towards someone romantically and he just knows the unhealthy urges of keeping you safe are further heightened by his traumatic experiences.

But what makes him more shaken is how a possessive streak accompanies these selfish desires. He’s honestly impressed at how everything he comes across reminds him of you. No trinket or item is too outlandish enough to remember your face, your mannerisms, your personality. Everything. 

And unlike most of his family members who slowly go through this process or are immediately immersed into this fucked up sense of thinking, his will power to resist these urges are definitely commendable. But not for long. 

Because as soon as Jason buries his guilt and insecurities under his veil similar to how he handles most of his problems, you’re just going to wish he was a lot more hesitant and aloof towards you.

This man is the trigger-happy one in the family and it carries over to his love-life.

Expect every ex, past lover, rivals, and threats to be dealt with at some point or another. Jason would give a period of time or some leeway if they currently have lovers of the sort; but if they allude to or decide to pursue interest in you - they’re definitely disappearing before you could even notice. 

Despite his supposedly meat-head personality, he’s still a bat through and through and remains to be calculated and controlling of the situation at all times. If he doesn’t beat the crap out of them, then he’ll make their demise or disappearance an accident or an unfortunate event. Think a villain coincidentally orchestrating their various crimes in the same vicinity as they are. 

He thinks he’s real slick with it too, but I think Jason can’t completely cover up his oozing red flags during this period. He’s a lot more quiet and seemingly uncaring about what happens to you in the beginning but now there’s a lot of more tense silence and expressive body language.

You’re definitely caught in between the crossfire of this new development and you’re left bursting at the seams of what happens next.

But aside from the initial hesitance, Jason is a soft romantic.

He’s a reader, he’s seen the in’s-and-out’s as well as the epitomes of romance various couples share and with a solemn expression definitely wishes he would experience the same. The yearning doesn’t go unnoticed though, since he’s picking up the pace now mostly in touch with his feelings. 

He’s like dark chocolate - bitter and unconventional, yet still sweet to the mouth whenever he does any type of gesture. 

Sure, he still performs the traditional acts of romance - giving you flowers, trinkets that remind you of him, and such but there’s this signature touch of subtlety. While Dick and Bruce are very transparent with their advances (wanting to show you from the get-go how their affections translate when they are with you), Jason - the ever so cunning man that he is - wants to tease you and let the feeling linger. He wants to keep you guessing and on your toes, be it some biting joke that leaves you speechless once you understand the punchline or an experience that leaves you blushing. 

Unlike his usual escapades, he’s a lot more soft and vulnerable than his family members give him credit for.  He never thought he was capable of doing the sappy things he would do in this period of his life. When he’s awake in the dead of night, he stares at the empty side of his bed and just imagines your warm figure damp on the mattress. He traces the letters of your name in comfort when he’s anxious, and his teammates tease him endlessly when they manage to catch him whispering your name in his sleep.

But those desires don’t cover up the trail of blood and guilt he’s left in his wake. 

Surprisingly, he shares the same self-awareness / mindset as Dick - the only difference being he’s not wearing rose-tinted glasses about it. 

Jason definitely wants to keep you unaware as much as possible of the eventual sins he’s done. As opposed to his family members who find it logical that their darlings should not want to find their activity for obvious reasons (i.e they don’t want their darlings to leave them), he’s much more upfront that he doesn’t want to taint or dirty you with his actions. Dick’s main shtick as a yandere is that his darling liking him is above all else; while Jason wants the same he also understands another much darker side to this which is if his darling finds out and understandably reacts negatively, it further proves he is a bad person.

But if he’s not having bouts of existential crises, then much like the other bats he’s a master stalker as well. 

He definitely monitors you in person, walking from roof-top to roof-top to investigate your whereabouts. He’s also really fond of visiting your place of residence and learning more about you behind the scenes. I’d like to think he lounges a lot in your kitchen, he looks around your cupboards and takes note of all the different produce and snacks you consume. He’s an absolute domestic king and he likes learning about your different preferred brands and items. 

Hell, sometimes you arrive from work and you could feel the couch or bed a bit too warm from where you last left it…

Other than that, Jason’s definitely an interesting case and a departure from both Bruce and Dick in his yandere escapades; as he still allows his guilty subconscious to seep into his love life.

t. drake

A lot of people like to undermine or underestimate the darkness that is in Tim whether through a yandere perspective and in the general sense - and that definitely makes it all the more shocking when you come to the revelation that maybe he isn’t so innocent after all.

When this man gets attached, he gets ATTACHED. Like no semblance of logic or intellect would be able to deter him from his plans to keep you to himself or in a more positive life - have you love him. If he can somehow force Bruce into adapting him as his son, then he can have you in his arms at the end of whatever year he decides is best for you - trust.

With that in mind, an important part of his character that is repeatedly pointed out is his obsession and his stalker-ish tendencies. If he was not in love with you, the man would definitely be much more criticized by his family for his behavior.

He’s the typical yandere archetype; researching as much as he can about his beloved, trailing after them wherever they go, having the most basic and intricate information about you memorized, and most likely having a shrine on you in the bat-cave or any other safehouse he has. Tim would definitely be in the opening scene of some stalker film if you see him in this state, messy room, trash everywhere, eyes flickering to the screens and CCTVs of any information and current whereabouts, eyebags on full display - the whole seven yards.

He’s one of the most alarming yandere’s to have since there’s something about him that makes him so creepy - and that’s already considering the stalking, murking, and other fucked up habits the other Batfamily members possess.

When he watches you through the cameras, his brothers and even Bruce are even unnerved at how creepy he looks. Eyes fully blown, tongue licking his lips at random intervals, and heavy breathing at the exhaustion of his line of work. He looks dead on the inside yet somehow he remains a shell of himself whenever he gets into one of these moods. Definitely slouches at his chair and would be at the desk for hours if he was not pulled away by them or Alfred.

Tim has a suave persona he’s mastered to a T around the public eye and somehow even with practice that manages to quiver when he’s around you.

Jason definitely jokes at the fact that if he didn’t know any better, he would have thought it was his first time talking to another human being since his brother is so damn awkward. It’s definitely subtle enough that a normal person wouldn’t notice but his family members know damn well he’s dying on the inside out of shyness. Shifting eyes, always interrupting you but never meaning it in a malicious way, rubbing his neck, smiling forcibly, and the list goes on. He’s too excited and nervous at the same time, so forgive him for his actions.  

If the previous excerpts didn’t solidify that this man is more of a watcher than a participator, then one attribute that he absolutely inherited from Bruce is the ability to become a shadow.

All of the Batfamily help each other in their yandere escapades of stalking and murdering, but in the former’s portion, there’s always some kind of preference or route they would like to take. Dick, Jason, and Damian all prefer stalking you personally - as in following you rooftop to rooftop, and having the feeling of eyes pinned on your figure at all times. For Bruce and Tim, its technology. Cameras, detectors, CCTVs, if they can commit to it, they’ll do it.

It’s also because he sometimes daydreams and gets lost in his head that he becomes too careless in stalking you. There’s been enough times that you notice him in the dark of night or even see a flash of him during his patrol.

He’ll definitely try sneaking mini-microphones and cameras in every crevice of your belongings and your home, since he acknowledges he becomes too socially inept much to his chagrin when he’s around you.

He’s also an avid writer about it too, think of diaries and journals written in your honor. While the others mostly prefer recording everything digitally and skimming them over whenever they want, Tim treats it like personal entries about the development of your relationship and the observation of your person.

His intellect likes deducing and picking apart your psyche since he finds legitimately learning about someone through scientific and education perspectives to be very interesting - it means it gives him the opportunity to understand you in all the forms you come in.

That’s one of his greatest strengths as a yandere, since he’s very understanding and perceptive of how not only you work but the circumstances that surround you - that being potential rivals or anomalies like friends or family members. While yanderes typically associate the latter as a burden or a means to hinder their route towards their darlings, he knows they are vital in keeping you sane as a functional human being and he knows that every other possibility and situation will allow different ideologies and sides of you to reveal - and that means no kidnapping if he can help it.

But that doesn’t mean he’s going to be a doormat and let you do whatever you want. Since he’s sandwiched between Jason and Damian - much more trigger-happy and brutal yandere’s - his well-renowned intellect finally makes a comeback when it comes to any threats - whether it's towards your safety or your availability in your love life.

This man’s a thinker and he’s definitely exploring all the most efficient possibilities that will allow the worst outcomes to happen to his victim. Everything and anything is on the table when it comes to you and that’s the more intimidating part, since anything that has his darling involved only makes him more manipulative, cut-throat, and intelligent to be able to achieve his objectives. He’d typically resort to a little blackmail and have that person moved somewhere with contacts severely tied.

Tim also gets very pouty and moody when he gets jealous which is relatively easy to do despite his belief surrounding you with other people is important. He would be a bit more sarcastic, brash, and even inconsiderate when you catch him in one of his moods - much to the annoyance and even concern of the others if pushed towards it. He becomes the mini-me of Bruce in that sense, brooding, silent, and illogical if it counts.

If that somehow didn’t creep you out, then he’s relatively a good lover if he pulls himself together.

Very sweet, yet has an aura of silent reliance. Super wise and comforting to the point that he is always most likely to get approached by you whenever you have any problem much to his glee.

But don’t think he’s an absolute saint in that department either, because he’s going to manipulate you into affording better choices and lessening any possible rivals he has to deal with. Unlike the others who have some emotional tick when faced with a rival, he can mostly maintain a facade of being helpful yet collected.

He underestimates how cool and heart-pounding these interactions can be too. Soft-spoken, finally making proper eye-contact and even brushing his hand against yours just to seal the deal.

He’s one to watch out for and never underestimate since he not only holds refinement but determination in making you love him in spite of all his mishaps.

After all, you didn’t think all those blouses and sweaters disappearing were mere coincidences, did you?

d. wayne

Bruce and Talia as both yandere’s and parents already have terrible nuances, but that doesn’t come close to the combination and result of that pairing in the form of Damian.

While Bruce is a silent protector, Talia is the overbearing type. She has a distinct habit of always hovering over her darling like some mother bear always waiting for her child to fuck up one way or another. She’s there to pick up those pieces and will baby you even through the small missteps.

At an early age, Talia will subtly ingrate these mindsets towards her son though it won’t be the main priority of her parenting. She still wants to train him to be the ultimate assassin but her behavior definitely lingers even when Bruce inevitably adopts him. 

That being said, when he’s young, Damian is definitely the tsundere type. Meaning he doesn’t necessarily understand when both platonic and romantic feelings arise so he’s left brushing them off and acting off aloof, similar to his dad but even worse. 

It’s definitely the Al Ghul pride and you’ll be wondering what you did wrong to provoke his temper. Expect lots of snarky remarks, harsh expressions, and downright downgrading encounters whenever you two meet up.

Whether you’re his classmate or team-mate in the Titans, you would be begging all your superiors or guardians to keep you away from him.

For a time, this strategy works and it also makes Damian realize his inner turmoil.

His brothers, who are all variations of softies in different spectrums, warn him against this behavior and make him realize his true intentions of behaving that way. Hell, maybe even Bruce or Talia confront him on his actions and it gives their son the wake-up call that he needs. 

What follows after is the period of mortification and guilt. This time will definitely be exacerbated if you further separate yourself from him; whether you move away or you avoid him (a power move since he has all the resources at his disposal to hunt you down), Damian’s going to be repenting for his sins in a whole new light.

When you’re separated, he mimics Bruce’s love language of gift-giving and opportunity. You wanted to win that scholarship? Boom, even sealed with the Wayne Enterprises signature of approval. You wanted to go on that vacation trip but you lack the funds to do so? Here’s all the vouchers and tickets you would ever need for the rest of your life.

Whether you're smart enough to realize his tactics and even half the bravery to stop them, he’s never going to stop and he’s finally going to strike the moment in which he finally meets you once more.

Depending on the timing as well as a culmination of different circumstances, he’s most likely going to be an adult (probably mid 20s - 30s) or hitting his early 20s, he really wants to make it up to you. 

He’s a thorn at your side, always wanting to persistently remedy his actions with his wealth and status. If you weren’t already annoyed by that, then will the savior complex suffice? This is where he inherits his mother’s behavior since the anger issues get replaced by the tendency to always baby you. When you eventually get together, the safehouse he takes you to is baby-proofed and no object can be turned into a weapon whether you like it or not. 

Out of all of his brothers, he’s most likely to kidnap you as well; and that is only because he never got the affection and attention he got from his darling and rightfully so. The only one I could see competing with him is definitely Tim since the latter lacks charisma and is incredibly shy. When he finally inherits the League of Assassins or remains a Gotham vigilante, he’s still going to be drowning you with anything you desire. Except freedom, of course.

Since the man is an heiress and technically a prince at best, he’s the traditional lover you would see in fantasy novels or old maritime films. He channels his inner romantic by writing you letters, reserving items for some of the most niche interests or desires you might have, and he definitely paints your face in canvases and sketchbooks under his behalf. His room, much to the chagrin of his other family members, would definitely be filled with your face and similar memorabilia you like and enjoy. He shows his affections quietly yet through a sleek and private eye. He only inherited from the best of the best, am I right?

He’s also surprisingly clingy as well. Well, all of the other Bat-brothers are but he’s almost on the same level as Dick. Blame it on the distance or blame it on him finally being with the love of his life. 

But this man is still not a saint after years of development without you in the picture. Since his jealousy and possessiveness also evolved alongside his new much more caring and nurturing demeanor. 

Back then, since you were relatively targeted by his harsh criticisms and behavior, you would most likely turn to other people for comfort and guidance.

Suffice it to say, Damian obviously didn’t like that.

In contrast to his much more loud-mouthed and obnoxious facade around you, he’d get eerily silent around his rival - always giving them the nastiest looks or death glares whenever they’re around you or even all by themselves. If they would provoke him, he’d fall for it with a snap of a finger because of his poor temperament. No matter how it would end, you’d be at your companion’s heels defending them and even comforting them - which leaves Damian oddly somber and would even leave you alone after the whole ordeal.

Since he was in denial, he could only brush off those encounters and even his rivals as mere nuisances, similarly to how he treats every inconvenience or challenge standing in his way.

But now, that predator-esque behavior still remains but a little more refined. It’s all in his more subtle body language, from the dip in his eyebrows or the occasional twitch from his eyes.

Depending on which stage he is in in his life as a full-fledged Wayne or an Al-Ghul, these transactions could go one of two ways. Since Jason is one of the only actively trigger-happy members in the family, he tends to be begrudgingly lenient yet still on the look-out for any possible fuck-ups or advances committed. And by lenient, I mean 1 shot and you’re out. That means murder, blackmail, kidnapping, or any other atrcocity the League of Assassins can commit. Even if he is Robin or a heroic mantle, Ra’s and Talia would be happy to do any clean up under his name.

Speaking of League of Assassins, they’re going to trail your ass whether you like it or not. Same goes to the Bat-family and they’re very proactive about it too. Considering Damian started with a twisted view of love in general accompanied by the fact that he was not exactly known for having the most friends back in the day, they are going to do everything just so you both could end up together.

That’s what makes Damian one of the most formidable yanderes since not only does he have a plethora of connections from heroes and villains alike, but he tends to get babied because of his traumatic experiences.

 It’s undeniable he’s a brat but he somehow gets people to still care for him at best and be there for him at his worst through a mere beck and call.

 And with enough hard-work and perseverance, he needs you to do the same. Willingly.

[k-s-morgan]

I understand liking hannigram,merthur and sebaciel but destiel? What makes you ship it really? Dean is the straightest character i have ever watched.

Oh, I really have to disagree with this! Even without Castiel, who Dean is in love with on both subtextual and pretty much textual levels, I cannot see him as anything other than bisexual. Dean’s emotional repression is a huge part of his character. Embracing his sexuality, his softer nature, his quirks is a very long journey that stretches for all 15 seasons, and while it's still not resolved fully by the end, it comes pretty close to it.

I think it's a beautiful contrast to see Dean, who starts out as a walking stereotype of a straight masculine guy that has sex with every passing woman, abhors 'chick flick' moments, and desperately tries to earn the approval of his toxic father, gradually transform into a man who loves cooking, who sings ridiculous songs out loud, wears silly pajamas, underwear, and other clothes he wouldn’t be caught dead in before, who hasn't bothered to sleep with a woman in years and who openly enjoys domesticity. The Dean who loved putting on pink female underwear yet considered it shameful is still there, but now he's much more open about his personality - he's a happier and freer version of who he was. Sexuality and feelings for Castiel are just a part of this big picture.

About destiel and Cas in particular: he and Dean share an endless amount of both text and subtext. I've also never seen more mirroring with other romantic couples than the writers do with them. Here's a couple of fan edits that display just some of such mirroring.

Longer video

A shorter one with parallels between Destiel and Sam's love interests in particular.

Dean is a man who always wanted a family and a person who would love him unconditionally, and he always ended up hurt. As an abused child forced to grow up early, he's completely love starved, and his self-esteem is non-existent. He and Sam have an unhealthy relationship because Dean doesn't understand that people grow up and move on to build their families - Sam does, and this creates a rift between them.

Dean: “You and me and Dad—I mean, I want us….I want us to be together again. I want us to be a family again.”

This shows the state of Dean's mind and his views on love. Dean wants to stay with someone forever. He craves loving and being loved, he longs for constant contact. He wants to share his life with someone, and in his mind, it can only happen with Sam and John because they are the only people he knows how to love. It doesn't matter how flawed their family is, it's all Dean's got. Unconsciously, he's trying to assign the role of a life partner to Sam and John, and obviously, this could never work.

Like Sam says, "Dean, we *are* a family. I’d do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before."

The script adds: "Dean looks heartbroken."

But Sam is right. Their co-dependency emerged because in their childhood, they had no one else. No friends, no meaningful connections, no long-term bonds. And as life has it, most family members drift apart with time: they still love each other, sure, but they pursue different interests and they start their own families. Dean doesn't get it. Sam is ready to open his heart to others, but Dean isn't - this is all he knows and he’s too scared and too emotionally closed off to learn.

And that's why observing him with Castiel later is so fascinating. There is suddenly an angel of the Lord who worships him, who structures his whole existence around him, who loves him and values him above everyone else. And finally, after all those years, Dean starts to understand it. He's still fiercely attached to the concept of family, but it begins to expand, and the more he clings to Castiel, the more he lets go of Sam, the healthier and more balanced their relationship becomes. Sam finally becomes a brother who has his own life but who'll always be there if needed; Castiel becomes someone who is going to be there always, period. And Dean can finally become truly happy. Cas helped Dean feel special and loved in a way he's never been before, and this very premise is something I really love. I could probably write a novel about their dynamic alone :D

I think the fact that Dean is in love with Castiel back is confirmed canonically after Cas' confession, when Lucifer, who only ever turned into people's love interests, took Cas' form for Dean. To me, though, Dean's feelings were textually confirmed back in S10, when he expressed that there are "people" and "feelings" he'd like to experience for the first time, and in S11, after Amara's clone told him she senses love in his heart that's cloaked in shame (and we know it wasn't about an actual Amara). There are plenty of moments like this and plenty of men apart from Castiel that help illustrate Dean’s bisexuality.

[foilfreak]

Beauty and Her Beast: Summary and Ch.1

A Salvatore Moreau x Female!FishMutant!oc fic based on this idea I had the other day that a very specific subset of the fanfom went absolutely apeshit for, which I'm here for and decided to act on. I can't make any promises for consistent uploading or even a finishes product by the end of this, but so long as im still interested in working on it, I'll keep working on it, and if im not, then I wont, plain and simple. Anyways, here's the summary and chapter 1, please let me know what you think of the story so far, i hope you all enjoy (you'd better all enjoy), and I can't wait to see you all again for chapter 2. Bye! <333 (Link to ao3 posting will be in comments so check there if you want to read it there instead)

Warning: This fic is rated NSFW and contains graphic depictions of things some people may find disturbing or alarming, including, but not limited to: violence, gore, unhealthy family relationships, Oedipus complexes, gratuitous amount of pornographic literature, ableist language, physical, mental, and emotional abuse, etc. If you are someone who does not enjoy fiction with these elements in them, then I suggest you refrain from reading this, because this fic will have all that, and probably a lot more. So, this is your first and final warning to turn around and go somewhere else if stuff like this just isn't your vibe, because from this point forward, your emotional wellbeing is in your own hands, and I will not be accepting blame if you disregarded my warnings and ended up reading something you didn't like. Idk why I feel compelled to write one of these despite this being Resident Evil fanfic, but I figured I'd cover my ass just in case.

Summary:

Now, I’m sure everyone already knows the ancient tales that tell of a beautiful young woman slowly falling in love with a horrific monstrosity of a man. The pure and true love this innocent beauty comes to feel for him, despite his terrifying appearance, is the key that breaks the cruel and twisted curse under which he’d been kept prisoner. This allows the man behind the monster to not only return to his true human form, but then go on to live his Happily Ever After with the beauty who saved him. Everyone already knows of these tales, as well as the messages behind them, however that is not quite the way this particular tale plays out.

The tale I am about to tell bears many similarities to the one above, however there are also quite a few important differences. For while the original detailed a beauty falling for a monster because of the kind and loving man he was behind his hideous exterior, this is a tale of a beauty, with a few monstrous qualities of her own, falling in love with a kind and loving monster, not at all despite his grotesque appearance, but rather, in part, because of it.

This is a tale, where the Beast still falls for his Beauty first, but the Beauty is the one who will be pursuing her Beast.

Chapter 1: Mother's Gift

Few of those who lived isolated from the outer world, high up in the mountains of Romania, would expect anyone of reasonable sanity to be out traveling in this hellish sort of weather. The wind howling a demonic high pitched tune; snow, sleet, and hail pounding into the ground like an endless shower of bullets from the heavens; and hungry lycans still roaming the area, tirelessly looking for their next meal, would be enough to incentivize even the strongest of mortal men to seek shelter away from the deadly conditions of the outside.

A man by the name of Salvatore Moreau however, one of the 4 lords of this mountain region who lived in the reservoir just past the windmills, did not appear terribly concerned with what other people thought of the traveling conditions. Completely unbothered by the horrifying weather and threat of suddenly being ground into doggy food, the hooded man trudged his way through the dark and barely maintained snow paths. Starting at the reservoir and making his way toward the village, Salvatore moved as quickly as his deformed body would permit, an unusually chipper spring added to his lumbering hobble of a walk.

Mother had a gift for him.

Yes, a truly joyous day it was whenever Mother Miranda called upon him to join her and the other lords for a meeting. Miranda was usually so busy with her experiments that she rarely had time to visit her children outside of these ‘family meetings’ they’d been having recently. However, it would appear as though Mother has come up with a solution of some kind to this problem and wishes to share it with them in person. Whatever this solution is, the mutated man has no idea, as Mother Miranda had been quite vague in her message, however the fact that Salvatore was being given the chance to see his radiant mother AND receive a gift from her, all in one day, was more than enough to make up for how agonizingly lonely he’s been these last few months since winter set in, as well as how agonizing it was for him to walk in this weather.

Salvatore arrived at the usual meeting site just as the clock struck 8pm, precisely as Mother had instructed. However, much to the hooded man’s confusion, when he turned the handle on the large wooden door to enter the room, he quickly realized that he was currently the only one present. This was especially strange considering that, usually, at least one of his siblings was always present a little earlier than necessary, usually Alcina or Karl, but occasionally Donna with Angie in tow.

Mother had clearly said in her message that she wanted to start the meeting at 8pm sharply, so where on earth is everyone?

“Moreau” Mother Miranda’s voice called out, immediately pushing all thoughts from Salvatore’s brain as her powerful, yet lucious voice echoed against the halls of the room like a choir of angels.

“Y-yes! W-what… is it… M-mother Miranda? I-i-i came to you… j-just like you asked” Salvatore responds, bowing his head in reverence as he slowly crosses the room and approaches the otherworldly woman.

“So you did, though I suppose you coming exactly when I call makes the most sense. You always were the most obedient of my children” the woman remarks with casual disdain, her voice devoid of any sort of motherly affection or tenderness. Despite the clear disgust and disregard with which Miranda regards the hooded man standing before her, her words light Salvatore’s soul ablaze, filling his mangled body with intense feelings of heat and desire that melt his heart of the cold, icy frost that had frozen it over the course of the long winter.

“Y-y-yes, y-yes of c-course, Mother M-Miranda! I-i would… I would do any-anything... for y-you. A-anything you s-say... anything y-you n-need… I’d d-do it... f-for you. W-without question!” The deformed man says, practically getting on his hands and knees and crawling as he neared closer and closer to Miranda, stopping only when he’d arrived just in front of the steps the raven mother stood upon, his gaze trained at the ground as he knelt at her feet, awaiting his fate at his mother’s hands.

“I know you would, Moreau,” Miranda says cooly, gently brushing the palm of her hand against the black fabric that covers the top of Salvatore’s head, “which is why I’ve called you here today; to reward you for your loyalty and service to me thus far.”

Salvatore sinks sharp and jagged teeth into the flesh of his bottom lip, nearly drawing blood as he desperately tries to silence the needy whine that wanted to tear its way from the back of his throat. His body shivered and twitched in unimaginable delight from the sudden tender caress to his sensitive skin. How long had it been since someone had touched him so gently? How long since someone had spoken to him with such kind and soft words. Took the time to gather presents as a reward for years of faithful servitude? How long since someone had loved him like this?

‘Too long’ the disfigured man sighed to himself, reveling in the soft, gentle contact for as long as he is able.

“Moreau. Look at me” Miranda commanded firmly, and despite not wanting his beloved Mother to be forced to bear witness to his hideous face, he complied, lifting his head up and back to allow his gaze to lift from the floor and up at the glowing figure that was his Mother, his beautiful, incredible, intelligent, majestic mother.

The light shining down from above illuminates Miranda from behind. From Salvatore’s perspective on the floor, the light darkens her face and most of her torso and waist, giving a softened, almost ethereal glow around Miranda’s figure. This, along with the rest of her garb, makes Mother Miranda appear even more like the holy woman that Salvatore naively believes she still is. Despite her less than affectionate treatment of him thus far, Salvatore still stared up at the darkened face of Mother Miranda, his eyes shining with reverence, love, desire, and unending devotion.

“Y-yes... Mother?” Salvatore breathed, barely able to speak above a whisper as Miranda stepped away, gesturing for him to follow.

“Are you ready to collect your gift now?” The raven mother asks, speaking more softly than before and even holding her hand out to Salvatore, her pose and appearance mirroring that of a powerful god taking mercy upon her wretched follower, reaching out to reward the years of faithful servitude and worship.

Salvatore, barely able to keep himself calm as he stumbled to his feet, did not grace Mother Miranda’s question with a proper response, instead practically racing to take the woman’s outstretched hand in his own.

“I’m ready Mother… I-I’m ready for... my g-gift now… can I… c-can I have it n-now… p-please?” Salvatore begs, pulling at Miranda’s hand like an overly excited child, seemingly unaware of the disgusted twist of her face when the hooded man’s cold, slimy fingers firmly latched onto hers.

“Of course, my child” Mother Miranda says, pulling her hand back from Salvatore’s and instead placing it along the man’s hunched back, beginning to guide him to wherever it was the raven mother had hidden his gift.

As Salvatore limped next to Mother Miranda, the deformed man couldn’t help but wonder what exactly it was that Mother had gotten for him. Was it a new cloak, to replace the worn one he was currently wearing? Perhaps a new set of romance films so he didn’t have to rewatch the ones he already owned over and over again anymore? Or maybe it was something to help with his digestion?

It would be nice to get his chronic acid reflux under control again.

Regardless of what the gift actually turned out to be however, Salvatore was merely pleased that he was finally getting a chance to spend time with Mother Miranda all by himself for a change.

Maybe, if he was lucky, she’d even agree to hold him, just like she always did back when he was still undergoing cadou treatment.

Oh how wonderful that would be!

[skullsandwineglasses]

Remembrance of Things Past - Eps 1-10 Impression/Rant

Not really a first impressions post since there are only 2 episodes left, but as I’m waiting on the last few episodes, I thought I’d rant a bit about the drama here. 

First of all, I agree with everything that AvenueX said in her review of the first 6 episodes. Her review is what prompted me to start the drama. I needed a realistic slice of life drama to balance out the idol drama that is You Are My Glory (which I’m also waiting on for new episodes), and ROTP seemed to fit bill. ROTP is just so good.

I binged ROTP in 3 days. It could have been 2 days, but I started it at 2am on a Wednesday night, so I didn’t get very far the first night. Each episode is about 75 minutes long, so almost the equivalent of 2 regular lengthed episodes, but not quite. 

I cried during the first two episodes. The character development is just phenomenal. You really feel for Jing Jing’s character even though you’ve only seen her character for an hour. There are little moments throughout the drama that made me tear up too, like when the girls were celebrating Nan Jia jie’s 36th birthday and I got emotional over how close their bond is, or moments when the girls reflected on their aging parents and how we often take our parents for granted. 

Plot pacing and structure

The plot is tight and well-paced, and each girl’s storyline is interwoven well. Sometimes they’d cut between simultaneous scenes between the girls to compare and contrast what they’re each going through. For instance, when Xu Yan is having an argument with her boyfriend, the drama will also cut and flip back and forth to Qiao Xi Chen going through problems at her workplace. When Xu Yan makes up with her boyfriend, the drama cuts to QXC and Nan Jia being romantically pursued by Jian Yi Fan and Ou Yang. It’s interesting to see how their lives mirror and differ from each other. 

Because the storylines between the girls are so interwoven and keep flipping back and forth between each other, it makes it hard to skip scenes because you can’t just skip an entire segment or else you’ll miss something important in all 3 storylines. I can see that this might be a little annoying if you have a preference for one of the girls and want to skip someone else’s storyline. But I actually like seeing all 3 of their stories play out, so I’m not bothered by it. 

Another aspect about the plot’s structure that I appreciate is how they use the mystery behind Jing Jing’s suicide as a throughline for the drama. Up until episode 8ish(?), each episode ends with a question about Jing Jing’s life prior to her suicide and the next episode opens with the girls trying to find an answer or a clue to it. The girls and we the audience learn more and more about Jing Jing with each episode. However, episodes 9 and 10 deviate from the structure a bit and so the drama has recently been less and less focused on Jing Jing’s story, especially after they found out that she had depression. The drama seems to imply that her depression due to the stress of living in Beijing was the main factor that led to her suicide, while the successive unfortunate events that happened on her birthday was the trigger. 

Characters

I like all the main characters in the drama, albeit some a little more than others, which I’ll explain. I think the 3 male love interests are a little too perfect though, and so I guess this slice of life drama is actually a little idealistic after all. 

Xu Yan - My least favourite of the four girls. She’s materialistic, but not as spoiled as I though she would be. But it does annoy me how she keeps picking fights with Shen Zi Chang, when he’s just trying his best. He’s so tolerant and patient with her. He apologizes, they make up, and then the cycle repeats. It’s just a very unhealthy relationship, and I’m tried of seeing them fight and make up. 

EDIT: So, I started writing this review when I had only watched up until episode 9, but now that I’ve finished episode 10, um, wtf?? Xu Yan made a bad choice and got scammed of all her money, her friends try to comfort her, loan her money, and tell her not to repress her emotions like Jing Jing. And then she just lashes out at them saying they have no right to comfort her because they were the ones who caused Jing Jing’s death. Xu Yan starts off blaming QXC for not knowing that Jing Jing had a crush on her boyfriend, and then she blames Nan Jia for being a bad older cousin. She blames both of them for being ignorant of Jing Jing’s depression and only caring about themselves. QXC (rightfully) retorts back than Xu Yan knew all along that Jing Jing had a crush on her boyfriend, and yet Xu Yan never told anyone, so she’s just as guilty as all of them. Honestly, I was sympathetic towards Xu Yan before, but she was just so ungrateful and entitled in that scene. What right does she have pointing fingers and assigning guilt to people? And to weaponize Jing Jing’s death against them? That’s just cruel. The argument between them in that scene at the end of episode 10 just felt so random and out of place. All of a sudden, Xu Yan points out all of these problems she has with QXC and Nan Jia, when all they’ve ever done is pamper her. Also, you can’t blame QXC for dating Lin Rui even if Jing Jing liked him first, and not to mention that QXC wasn’t even aware. QXC might not have even chosen to date Lin Rui if she had known. But it happens all the time between friends where your friend might date someone you like. All’s fair in love and war, and there’s no first come first serve rule when it comes to dating.

Jing Jing - She becomes more complex as you learn more about her. She puts her friends first and is fiercely supportive and protective of them. We get a glimpse of how far she’s willing to go for them she pulls a butcher knife from the kitchen and points it at QXC’s debt collectors in the first episode. Her friends see her as being really open, expressive, and bubbly. She’s the first one they each go to whenever they need help with a problem or want to show off an achievement. But in reality, she’s really secretive. She hides her feelings to keep her friends happy, and when they slowly uncover her secrets, she becomes less and less recognizable to them, as though she’s been living a double life all along. 

At the end of episode 10, Jing Jing is described as the “hole in the tree” that everyone goes to to share their secrets, but they forget that she’s also a person with her own secrets to share, and she’s not just a tree hole to serve others. Can we blame the friends for not paying enough attention to Jing Jing and only using her for emotional support? Yes and no. It’s complicated. We should always do more to try to care for others and to be more attentive to them, but at the same time, it’s impossible to completely know a person. I purposely hide parts of my life from my friends because I don’t want them worrying or judging or commenting. So I would never expect them to be able to figure it out, and neither do I want them to figure it out. I think it’s interesting that the drama is exploring the friends’ self-imposed guilt, but I don’t agree that Xu Yan should be the one to point it out them and to be Jing Jing’s spokesperson. Xu Yan positions herself as Jing Jing’s heroic and righteous advocator, when really Xu Yan is the most problematic person out of the three remaining friends. 

Also, after seeing how the friends interact, they don’t feel narcissistic. Yes, they each readily vent about their problems to each other, but they also ask about the other person. It’s not one-sided. Xu Yan talks about her problems with her boyfriend, but she also asks and cares about what’s happening in QXC’s life and vice versa. Nan Jia is more mature and is busy with her business, but she always takes the time and effort to help her friends. All of their conversations are reciprocal and they are genuinely interested in each other’s lives. So, I don’t think they have a major communication problem or that they don’t care or that they’re ignorant. Which again, makes Xu Yan’s accusations in episode 10 feel even more unfair. 

Ji Nan Jia - Jing Jing’s cousin and also the oldest of the three girls (about a decade older). Sassy, witty, unapologetic, confident. She’s who you’d think of when you imagine a successful, independent, career-driven woman. She’s extremely annoyed by her mother’s nagging to get married. But she herself is trying to figure out whether she actually wants to find someone to settle down with or if she just wants to beat her biological clock and have children while she still can. She’s pursued by Ou Yang, ten years her junior, and he’s absolutely enamoured with her. He seems to be unconditionally in love with her, which is what I meant when I said that the male leads in this drama seem too perfect and idealistic. But I like Ou Yang though. He’s adorable. 

Qiao Xi Chen - The main character of the four main characters. Like Nan Jia, she’s also quite sassy. In some ways, she’s like a younger version of Nan Jia. QXC is also very career driven and competitive. She’s confident and believes in her abilities, but she also gets easily overwhelmed and emotional (like when her stress and nervousness prevented her from being able to give her proposal presentation and she ran out of the room. I’ve definitely felt that way before my committee meetings). QXC is a character you can self-insert as because she represents the everyday employee who struggles with the long commute to work and tries to stand out and make a name for herself in the company. QXC is also extremely paranoid, which is understandable when you’re a woman living alone in the city. I know what it’s like to have to briskly walk home late at night and constantly having to look over your shoulder to make sure no one’s following you, or having to check your hotel room before you change, or having to make it seem like you’re not the only one living in your apartment. QXC is smart, logical, helps people when she can, but is also reasonably selfish when she needs to protect herself, like when her co-workers try to take advantage of her or throw her under the bus. She’s a character everyone can relate to.

She and Jian Yi Fan also make such a cute pairing. I love all their interactions. I love how Jian Yi Fan can’t help but smile when he’s with her, but he tries hard to clamp it down. I love how QXC is aware of her own attraction and easily admits to to Xu Yan that she does have feelings for him instead of beating around the bush. And I especially love the awkward but adorable confession scene in episode 8. Such great banter and play on words (”你是什麼意思” “沒意思” “你對我是不是有意思?”). The drama did a great job of depicting the frustration of trying to guess whether someone likes you when they seem to be sending mixed signals. A lot of dramas that don’t focus on romance seem to do a better job of showing romance than idol dramas that focus on nothing but romance. I grew up with TVB dramas, and in most of them, romance is usually secondary to the main plot, but I always loved the romances in those dramas.

Like Ou Yang, JYF is such an idealistic love interest. He’s so supportive of and attentive to QXC. I haven’t watched too many slice of life dramas, but To Dear Myself and My Best Friend’s Story both had flawed (and sometimes even irredeemable) male love interests. This drama’s rose-coloured glasses definitely reduces the amount of performative angst, but it also makes the drama a little less realistic. The men in Jing Jing’s life aren’t villainized either even when you expected them to be sinister. I think the most antagonistic character is Lin Rui, but even he’s made to be sympathetic. In fact, nearly all the characters in the drama are sympathetic characters because many of the choices they made were forced because of the situation they found themselves in, and what they did was an act of self-preservation. And so, you can’t hate them or blame them. 

Acting and Dialogue

I mean, what’s there to say? The acting and dialogue just sucks you right in. I love it so much. The characters are so animated and charming because of how well the actors delivered their lines. I’m not a mandarin speaker (I’m a cantonese speaker but learned mandarin afterwards), but even I was able to notice the colloquialism and slangs and idiosyncratic ticks in speech that made the dialogue feel so real and alive. The actors had great comedic timing, and when they cried, you could feel how vulnerable they are. 

Lastly, I also like the little “life lessons” they include at the end of the drama where there’d be a voiceover by one of the actresses and they’d muse about life. One of my favourite musings when when they talked about what it means to have a sense of security. For some people, having a sense of security is about having a certain amount of money in your bank account, or having someone waiting for you to come home, but a sense of security isn’t something tangible or physical that you can achieve or possess. It’s a belief. It’s a belief that you’re able to face any problem and that life will go on. It’s a belief that the one that you love will be faithful and supportive. It’s a type of belief that allows you to be confident to face uncertainty. And thus, a sense of security is something that only you can give yourself. I really like that little food for thought because it’s a great reminder to be self-dependent and to not rely on external gratification. Que sera sera. What will be will be. Don’t get too hung over on failure and don’t let stress dominate your life. 

Note: Watching this at the same time as You Are My Glory is extremely humbling. YAMG is an idol drama, and so they make the romance look so easy. Heck, idol dramas make being a protagonist easy. The protagonist is destined to stand out from the crowd. It’s easy to be noticed. It’s easy to cause a change in the status quo. But ROTP is a reminder that we’re all practically nobodies in the big city. It feels impossible to make an impression when there are millions of other people living almost the same life as you are. There’s nothing special about you, and it’s hard to find meaning and purpose. Obviously, the drama shows that even when it feels like you’re trying to swim upstream in a big city, we each have a life worth living. We may feel insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but to our friends and family, we’re their world and they’re ours. I think it was Camus who said that we should find meaning in the face of absurdity. Live in spite of how absurd and meaningless things feels. Anyway, this drama gives you a lot to think about, even though I don’t really like the melodrama they’ve recently added to drag the plot (*cough cough* that explosive argument scene at the end of episode 10 that I keep ranting about). You’d think that a 12-episode drama wouldn’t have filler, and yet here we are. 

[ridiasfangirlings]

I've read your recent meta about Munakata, Fushimi, and Mikoto, but I'm still not convinced that Munakata is better King than Mikoto. Munakata is quite manipulative don't you think? Like on Fushimi's case, he's aware about the virus but he didn't tell directly to Fushimi nor he destroyed the phone but he deliberately made Fushimi lured Hisui out so Munakata can 'save' him. He also planned Kusuhara's death so Scepter 4 can develop (I felt so sick while reading that). Mikoto while he's maybe too lazy to remember every HOMRA member, he generously gave his power for people who need it like Eric, Anna, even Yata and Fushimi. He's also protective toward his clansmen.

Also I think that if only Fushimi didn't feel afraid toward Mikoto and he was willing to be more open with Yata, he should stay in Homra. The poor dude never have a family before, right? He came from a cold house, why does he join a cold clan, that even Jungle feels warmer than Scepter4? Like you said, Munakata only chose people who was 'useful' for him, isn't it unhealthy to see people by how much they're worth? I don't think Fushimi with his low self-esteem will be fine in environment like that. Homra's family dynamic can give Fushimi what was missing from him on his childhood. On Homra, everyone is equal and there's no talk about "useful" and "useless" member, for example Totsuka is the weakest, yet he was respected. Kusanagi and Totsuka also care about Fushimi so much, and of course he can be with Yata, the most (maybe only) important person in his life.

I'm sorry for long ask, I just love Sarumi and HOMRA so much so I hate Munakata for separating Sarumi on LSW and he acts like an ass toward Mikoto and HOMRA.

I'm gonna answer this one out of order because I have thoughts and want to answer it while the thoughts are still happening XD So firstly: I'm not sure where you're getting that Munakata 'planned' Kusuhara's death. Munakata clearly had plans for Kusuhara from the start but my impression was never that those plans meant for Kusuhara to die – on the contrary, I think Munakata was pretty clearly planning for Kusuhara to be his Zenjou, more of less, to be the one who uses his swift reflexes to cut off Munakata's head when the time comes. A failsafe, basically, because Munakata leaves nothing to chance. He brought Zenjou into the fold largely for that reason, the only one of Habari's Scepter 4 really offered a prominent position, and when Zenjou went to the Records department instead Munakata simply found himself someone who he felt might have the potential to do the job just as well. That Kusuhara's reflexes would cause him to jump in front of a bullet meant for Munakata – and which wouldn't have killed him, because Munakata's aura would have kicked in, but Kusuhara moved quicker than that consideration – was not part of Munakata's plan (in fact if we're talking responsibility for Kusuhara's death I would put that on Hisui's head. Side Blue the novel hints at it and 7Stories is even clearer in showing Douhan as the sniper who tries to take Munakata down later, that Hisui was testing whether or not he could take Munakata out via a third party). In DOB Munakata mentions that Scepter 4 is more 'complete' for Kusuhara's loss but again, I don't take that as Munakata admitting he plotted this – it's Munakata considering after the fact, making the loss into a positive for the clan and considering that perhaps it was a thing that had to happen to make 'his Scepter 4' complete but that is not at all the same as saying 'he planned Kusuhara's death.' (The rest is under the cut because for some reason Tumblr kept eating my first few paragraphs otherwise.)

As for the idea of who's a 'better' King, there's a difference in my mind between which Kings are objectively better than the others and which are better for a specific person. Both Munakata's and Mikoto's approaches have their own merits. Mikoto offers power to anyone brave enough to take his hand so yes, he does offer power to weak people or people who need it like Eric and Anna. Mikoto values free will, and so if someone has the will to take his hand he will offer it to them, give them the option to risk death if they so choose for power. On the other end, this leads to guys who act outside of Homra and can cause trouble (like the guy in R:B, for example). It also means that Mikoto might have actually killed people who didn't fit the Red power, which is no less a tragedy even if it was a risk they were willing to take.

Munakata by contrast only offers his sword to people that he knows are worthy. As Fushimi puts it in LSW: “Taking precaution to make sure he’s only granting power to those who will succeed. That’s quite Munakata’s course of action.” That said though, Munakata's idea of who is 'worthy' isn't necessarily just a specific obviously useful type, S4 isn't filled with just serious characters like Awashima, Akiyama and Benzai. Munakata saw fit to give power to those who thought they wouldn't belong in such a place, like sushi chef Kamo, or those who thought they might just live a 'normal' life, like Hidaka. Munakata's clan contains the heir of a dojo (Doumyouji) and a former NEET (Gotou), and someone who thought a job was just something to pay for your hobbies (Enomoto). It contains people who may have thought “surely, I'm not someone who would belong in such a place.” But Munakata saw potential and pursued it, and I don't think that's objectively any less 'generous' than Mikoto giving out his Red to anyone brave enough to reach for it, it's just going about Kingship in a different way.

And as for the idea of 'useful' vs 'useless,' keep in mind when I discuss that in regards to Fushimi's position at Scepter 4 in particular I really do mean that as Fushimi's perspective. Now, Munakata does choose people based on how he feels they would fit in his Scepter 4 – their use – but that's not just a simple thing either. Like you mention Totsuka being weak yet still equal to everyone else in Homra, however despite Totsuka's physical weakness he does very much have a use in Homra: he's Mikoto's 'stopper,' he's the mood maker of the clan, he's the one who often deals with troublesome people. That's a use, despite his weakness. Munakata's way of creating a clan is different from Mikoto's but I don't think that makes it worse, or less of a tight knit clan. Munakata does have his manipulative side of course, and may do and say things that could draw out dissatisfaction within the ranks of his own clan, but at the end of the day everyone in Scepter 4 is able to feel that they have been chosen by their King for a reason and that he believes in their abilities, from third in command Fushimi to even members of the rank and file like Yayoi. (And from a simple practical perspective too, Homra's a loose knit gang while Scepter 4 is an actual government agency with duties and expectations placed upon them. Munakata will make a place for those he feels worthy, but he needs people who have abilities because otherwise someone could easily feel like they don't fit in this place or have no worth in the clan, because this workplace is not for them. But because Munakata picks only who he believes will fit in his Scepter 4 no one has to feel that way, because they wouldn't have been chosen if they had no talent.)

Now, as to the matter of Fushimi. Like you mentioned, Fushimi grew up without a family so surely Homra's family atmosphere should be good for him, right? But it isn't. I think it's best expressed this way: trying to run before you can crawl. Basically, at the point Fushimi joins Homra, he is not in the headspace to accept the idea of 'family.' This is where the disconnect between him and Yata happens too, because Yata always wanted a huge family where he belongs. Yata has his biological family, of course, and they love him, but he still feels like an outsider. However precisely because he has a loving family he knows what that feels like, he knows how he felt like when it was just him and his mom he belonged, how he belonged when he was with Fushimi. Homra is an extension of that, the big family where everyone is together and the days are easy and he belongs. But then there's Fushimi, who says it himself in LSW: “Solve everyone’s misunderstanding, you say? Who ever said that I don’t want to be misunderstood? Why do you want me to be understood by everyone when you yourself don’t? … If YOU understand me, I would be content.”

Fushimi's a kid who was always rejected, even by his own family. He clings to Yata as the only one to ever care for him but at the same time, look at how Fushimi vocalizes his understanding of their relationship. “Looking at me with eyes shining and saying 'amazing.'” Fushimi is quantifying Yata's affection, that Yata cares for him because Fushimi is amazing, because Fushimi is wounded enough that he can't trust in Yata's sincere affection. So when they join Homra this is a blow to Fushimi, who has hung so much self esteem on Yata's 'amazing,' because now Mikoto is amazing and Fushimi is just Fushimi, and why should that be enough to get Yata to stay? Just being 'Fushimi' has never been enough for anyone to remain by his side.

Homra would have happily accepted Fushimi into their family and given him what he lacked, but Fushimi isn't in a mental state to accept it because Fushimi is the one who quantifies emotions for his own safety. The neglected and unloved kid still can't believe that family won't reject him, that he can actually have a family, and so Homra's atmosphere suffocates him even beyond Mikoto's presence. Fushimi doesn't want to be equal to everyone else because if he has nothing to offer, why would anyone want him around? Just being himself has never been enough before, why should it be enough now? Especially when he sees how Yata fits in and how much he doesn't, where he's afraid of Mikoto and can't wholeheartedly call this person his King, where he doesn't really talk to anyone and often irritates people when he does. When Kusanagi tells Fushimi he wants Fushimi to stay in Homra and be his successor Fushimi doesn't see this as a compliment, he sees this as 'you wouldn't have to say this to Yata because there would be no question about his loyalty, so clearly you question mine.'

Then enter Munakata, and Scepter 4. Where Homra wanted Fushimi to run, Munakata's letting him learn to crawl first. On the one hand yes, Munakata wanted Fushimi for his own reasons, because he believed Fushimi's talents were being wasted in Homra and that he would do well in Scepter 4. But Munakata also saw in Fushimi that there was so much potential not being realized, someone who was in a way like himself. Case Files: “still, the way the two of them felt out of place and alienated by those around them due to how outstandingly capable they were was very similar.” Munakata sees in Fushimi someone who is dissatisfied with the world and offers him a chance to change that world to his liking instead, rather than miserably clinging to a place where he feels he doesn't belong. In Scepter 4 Fushimi has a job and a use and sure, it may not be on paper as warm and inviting as 'family' but it's also what Fushimi needs – he doesn't have to deal with worries and doubts about his place, or feel like he doesn't belong.

Fushimi can focus on his work and let himself really reach his potential, he can be challenged and use his mind, and at the same time if he ends up interacting with the other members and softening towards them, and making friends, more the better. In Homra they may be a family but it's easy for Fushimi to remain on the fringes, wandering off by himself at amusement parks, but in Scepter 4 he has to interact with others in order to do his job. And we do see some of that softening in canon – the little 'thanks' to Hidaka in DOB 1, the way he talks with Akiyama, his interactions with Awashima and Munakata are all clearly 'easier' than he was with pretty much anyone outside of Yata and maybe Kusanagi in Homra. Yata himself says it in ROK: “The Blue King was your King all along.” For Fushimi, Scepter 4 and Munakata were what he needed in order to develop beyond that lonely kid still clinging to the idea that he doesn't belong anywhere (and yes it separated him from Yata but at the end of the day that was more Fushimi's issues talking than anything, because Awashima and Kusanagi pretty much show that yes, someone from Homra and someone from S4 can be friends. It was Fushimi himself who chose to break things, not because Munakata made him but because at the time Fushimi believed that his precious thing was going to break anyway and as I said before Fushimi can't bring himself to believe in Yata's sincere affection).

(Also I couldn't figure out where to put this in, but regarding Munakata not telling Fushimi about Hisui's illusions, that to me shows once again that Munakata does actually understand Fushimi pretty well, because if he told Fushimi then Fushimi loses. Look at that moment versus Mikoto saving Sarumi during the jungle surprise party: Fushimi is miserable walking home, because 'I failed.' His plan didn't work, he had to be saved by someone else, and then he gets to see Misaki crowing over how cool the person who saved him is. By contrast, if Munakata simply told Fushimi 'Hisui Nagare is controlling your PDA and making you see illusions' and then destroyed the PDA, Fushimi would not see that as a good deed. Fushimi would see that as him being too stupid to figure this out on his own and needing to be saved by someone 'above' him, another one of his failures. By only giving him a hint Munakata allows Fushimi to make the connection on his own, play the game against Aya and win. While Munakata steps in to confront Hisui, because there's no way Fushimi can go toe to toe with a King and anyway Munakata called dibs first, Fushimi is the one who ultimately claimed the victory. He figured out the trick, he played against Aya, he won the game stacked against him. Munakata may be testing Fushimi in his own way too, sure, but he's doing it in a way that he knows will actually be better for Fushimi's self esteem. While, say, Mikoto finding out and destroying the PDA right away may seem like the more 'correct' move, saving his clansman from pain, all that would make Fushimi think is that he wasn't good enough to figure it out on his own and he had to be saved again like a useless person. Munakata though understands how Fushimi thinks and realizes that for Fushimi, not being told is better because it allows him to win on his own terms with his own intelligence rather than having to rely on someone else.)

[youngnari]

Thicker Than Water // Ten

—Notes : t had been a long while since I started writing anything (pardon if this sucks), and I have a lot of things in my drafts right now that I have to continue. Uni had been overwhelming and recently my internship ended, hopefully I can write more before my next term starts. Overall, enjoy this short scenario I made and have a nice day ahead :)

—Wc : 7831 words

—Warning : honestly, none... I just wanted to write about Ten cause I love Ten, well we all love Ten.

—Pairing : childhood best-friend!Ten x female!reader 

—Genre : a cup of fluff + a few dashes of angst

—Summary : Two childhood best-friends found it hard to confront their feelings for one another, until they grew apart;

When distance grew and time spent apart, love became stronger. After all, it is thicker than water.

“I love you, Ten”

Love is thicker than water. Your feelings wouldn’t easily be dissolved even after a few years of not seeing him.

And that’s when you knew, love is true.

Life decisions often come knocking on your door when you least expect them to. They are often buried in the form of steps, growth, and changes.

The life decisions you chose rarely caused any big changes in your life, although you were partially to blame for often wanting to play it too safe. Your life always revolved around the same people, all located in a similar environment. Your so-called childhood best-friend who lived just around the corner of your block, a brief five-minute walk. He played a big role in your life, similarly to your parents. You had known him since you were three, possibly longer; from bathing and swimming together naked in his kiddy pool his parents had set up in his backyard during summer time when you guys were four, to him freaking out when he noticed blood stains on your pajamas pants that you discarded into the laundry basket when you first hit puberty thinking you were dying due to some chronic disease, to the so-called first love and first heartbreak you ever received when you were in high school. The same person was always by your side.

Yes, you had chosen to fall in love with your childhood best-friend. And that was the first time you realized: sometimes the safest choice, isn’t so safe after all.

Cue – Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, more commonly known as Ten.

You have seen Ten when he was doing his best, while Ten has seen you when you are doing your absolute worst. He often got straight A’s, a few A-‘s for Chemistry and Physics, and he was chosen as the lead dancer of the school’s dance team – mastering traditional and modern styles so goddamn well, yet you still thought he was the dumbest kid alive. Ten may be seen by many as the epitome of how every Asian kid should be, molded by their parent since young to be nothing but perfect. Ten was often envied by other parents, they hid it well in the form of praises thrown towards his parents, but they shrugged it off saying Ten always tried to do his best.

They weren’t wrong. You had seen Ten studying until late at night for mid-terms and finals, often resulting in the consumption of an unhealthy amount of energy drinks and coffee as he reached a certain limit. He usually started his homework and projects early to enable freedom in the last few days before the due date, giving him the leisure to not cram things up the night before, but late-night video games. He was simply organized, well prepared, and perfect.

You had known Ten for your entire life, and it didn’t seem like the end of high school would be the end of your friendship. Until one night when he came barging into your room straight from the graduation party his friend Kun had thrown, celebrating freedom as they broke the chain of education by graduating from high school.

You still remembered how your heart skipped a beat when he came in, his lean figure stood elegantly in your door frame. Ten looked at your figure buried under your blanket, your nightstand occupied with snacks and water, laptop on your lap, the screen the main source of light in the dimly lit room. He caught the sound of the actors speaking from your laptop, heavy Spanish and gunshots ringing heavily from the speakers. He smiled knowing you probably rejected Kun’s invitation to settle down at home and binge watch Netflix instead, once again hiding yourself from socializing with people.

He let himself in as his hand closed the door slowly, striding over across the room in large step, he took his seat beside you before snuggling into the blankets to watch the show with you. You swore you felt hot, trying your best to fight the blush creeping across your cheeks. It seemed okay at first, knowing the room was quite dark and the only source of light was from the changing scenes of La Casa de Papel that was playing in your laptop. You thought he might hear your loud heartbeat, yet the sound of gunshots and screaming thankfully covered the sound of the erotic thumps of your heart.

He let out a sigh.

You could smell his musky cologne mixed with a little of his sweat, the stench of alcohol from his breath, the smell of cigarettes from his clothes filling your room. You hummed a little, catching his attention in the process.

“Can you believe we graduated?” He began to speak, giving you a question that similarly went along the line of what now.

You smiled a little and nodded.

“It’s only high school, Ten. We still have a long way to go.” You said.

“No, you still have a long way to go.” He said, his eyes glinting, proud of your achievements in life.

Ten remembered the talk both of you had, the plans you hoped to complete once both of you graduated from high school. You had told him you wanted to pursue studying in engineering or food science, while him – Ten wanted to be an artist, a singer or performer on stage.

He noticed your eyes dim a little and he sighed. His arms circled around your shoulders, bringing your figure closer towards him. You felt his warmth almost immediately, suddenly craving for more and you found yourself scooching towards him. Ten didn’t mind; you had curled up next to each other every movie night since you were young. He felt your head leaning towards him, smelling the hint of vanilla and mint from the shampoo and conditioner you always used. He smiled.

“Are you still not going to tell me who’s the guy you fell for?” He asked you again.

Ten felt your body tense up for a while before slowly loosening up again. You swallowed a lump in your throat as your eyes shook despite trying your best to focus on your laptop screen.

You had told Ten regarding your discovery of love after he kept pestering you to start finding a match, to the point he asked his handful of friends to introduce new people for you and set you up on a blind date. You had yelled at him in frustration, revealing that the reason you didn’t want to find a guy to date was due to you having feelings for someone already. Never once did you explicitly tell him who the person was, in fear that an outcome you didn’t want may occur.

Ten believed in you and respected your privacy, opting to stay silent most of the time. That didn’t keep him from pestering you with questions about the so-called crush, although he didn’t expect you to answer.

“You’re still on about it?” You snapped back. He gave you that annoying grin of his and nodded.

“Are you still in love with that crush of yours then?” He persisted. This time, you smiled knowing he wasn’t going to back down.

“I am, since forever probably.” You answered.

One of the fears you had since you were young was the fear of being rejected; you were sure everyone had a similar fear like yours, deep down inside of them. You weren’t necessarily scared of the rejection; you were more scared of the aftermath from the rejection. You knew Ten liked you, but you weren’t so sure if he wanted you like you wanted him. your refusal to confess stemmed from one of two possible outcomes if you did; one – he accepts you and you start dating, which meant the best of both worlds. Two – you are rejected, resulting both of you drifting apart and becoming strangers despite having a friendship almost reaching two decades.

Ten, your best-friend who recently broke up with his ex-lover. Confessing to him this early would only be a suicidal move. His past lover, whom he broke up a few weeks before graduation. The reasoning behind it was quite simple, none of his lovers liked seeing him with you.

The way he looked at you dotingly, laughed at every dumb joke you gave, the way he tucked loose strands of hair behind your ear, and dropping everything that he was doing to be around you. You were confident to say that you were his number one, and you withstood the pain that came with every one of his relationships.

Because you knew that Ten would always come back to you, back into your arms.

But you are still scared of confessing to him, unaware of what exactly is going on in his mind. You didn’t want to lose Ten just like that, you fear of not having him in your life when you were already so used to seeing him around you, being with him 24/7.

Other than that, you were confused with Ten. He was unpredictable at times: most of the time. You didn’t know if he was giving you hints regarding his approach towards you. Because many told you that he treated you differently from how he treated others, you could see that.

Ten wasn’t so touchy around people he considered friends or close friends, but when it came to you, things from linking arms around one another, hugging in public, cuddling during movie nights, and him giving you a peck on the cheek at random moments. All obvious signs he favored you more compared to others. You carried it like a medal, knowing probably no one could ever replace your spot next to Ten.

But the other thing that bothered you so dearly was that he was your first kiss. Yes, Ten was your first kiss.

Enter: prom night, 3 days after graduation.

Ten ‘proposed’ to you a month before prom, getting you a bouquet of a single sunflower and peperoni pizza with extra cheese from your favorite pizzeria downtown during one of your Netflix marathons. You were surprised by his grand entrance, nevertheless you ignored it due to his unexpected behavior at times. You accepted the flower thinking it was nothing but a gift for your mother and eagerly took the warm pizza from his hands before going into your room. Just as you opened the pizza box, excited to reveal the greasy cheesy goodness from heaven above – you were left in shock, with your eyebrows shooting upwards, eyes widened, and mouth forming an big ‘O’ as you read the note plastered on the lid.

P R O M?

Others may think it was stupid or too cheesy to be considered a good plan; to you it was stupidly cheesy and you loved it. Even though the note was speckled with grease, you kept it to this day. You turned around to give your response, only to be faced with ten kneeling on one knee holding a sunflower corsage sitting comfortably in a clear plastic box surrounded by white baby’s breath, all tied with a black bow on top, his signature wrapping.

You stood there frozen, not knowing how to react to his sudden act. He grinned madly and laughed at your reaction, snapping you out from your trace.

“Is that a yes?” He asked, hopeful.

You laughed and nodded at him, knowing you would rather go to prom alone if it wasn’t with Ten.

“Great, I was scared you had a date with your crush.” Ten joked.

You thought about your answer for a while. You didn’t necessarily have anyone in mind to ask out as your prom date, as the only person who always came to mind was none other than Ten himself. You rejected a few people who came and asked you out, stating you had someone in mind as you looked at them sadly.

Ten on the other hand was the same, he didn’t have anyone in mind but you. Thinking to himself it was better to spend prom with someone who truly meant something to him rather than a random person he didn’t even know.

Hence, the proposal for prom.

“I think my crush has a date already, so it’s fine.” You shrugged off coolly. Ten smiled at you and nodded, relieved by the answer before he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“Aren’t you sad that another person is their partner for prom?” He asked again, this time curious.

“A little, but I feel like I don’t stand a chance with him.” You said, smiling sheepishly at the end.

“Then, we’ll show him what he’s missing out on then.” Ten stated proudly as he sent a wink towards you.

You smiled softly at him and nodded. He’s not going to miss out on much, you thought, losing your train of thought as Ten buried himself under your blanket, urging you to hurry up.

Prom rolled out faster than you expected it to. One morning you woke up in your old t-shirt and oversized loose cotton pants, lazing out in your bed till late afternoon. The next, you were up, showered and off to do your hair, pick up your prom dress, and pamper yourself for the whole day.

The once loose old t-shirt and oversized long cotton pants changed to an elegant long black dress which hugged your curves and showed off your figure. Your once messy hair was styled and smelled amazing, a simple long gold necklace draped across your collar bones, and the most dreaded part: the heels.

At 8PM sharp you heard the doorbell ring, signaling Ten’s arrival.

He came in looking like a prince. Ten was dressed in a black dress shirt, paired with formal pants that enhanced his long legs, his neck constricted with a black tie, it seemed like he was glowing under the dark fabric. You held your breath, noticing him grow more charming the more you laid your eyes at him.

Ten smiled when he saw your figure from the top of the stairs, reaching out a hand for you to take. Slowly you went down like the girls you often see in the cliché romcom series, taking his hand that was fully extended towards you.

Instantly you felt the rush of electricity, the warm skin embracing your cold hands. It felt right.

“You look amazing.” He said, smiling giddily like a child.

“And so do you.” You said back.

He slowly took out the corsage, slipping it on your wrist. You stared in awe at the contrast of the bright yellow flora wrapped around your wrist with a black ribbon between the black clothing you wore. You did the same for him, taking his part of the corsage and pinning it on the pocket near his chest, giving a bigger contrast against his pale skin and his black formal.

It seemed surreal but that night, you thought both of you were meant to be.

“Ready?” he asked.

You smiled, linking your arm with his as you hug his figure close to yours, wanting nothing but to savor the moment between the both of you.

That night, it was the first time you felt fairytales could be translated into real life.

It took you approximately two hours for your feet to completely die on you. You sat down on the row of empty chairs beside the long table filled with glorious food, a red cup of artificially flavored punch in your hand. You played around with it, occasionally your head bopped around to the music being played.

When the lights suddenly dimmed, you raised your head upwards to meet Ten’s. His forehead gleamed with sweat, hair disheveled, yet he ginned wider like nothing mattered.

“One last dance?” He asked, his hand extending for an invite, encouraging you to take it.

You knew your feet were dead, pierced under the heels. Yet you still smiled like it was nothing, nodding and taking his hand. He pulled you further into the crowd, taking your figure into his embrace. He turned around when he found a space, instinctively his hands circled around your waist. You could feel the warmth that radiated from his hand, the blast of the AC was nothing compared to his touch. You returned his grin with a smile, your hand circling around his neck.

That was enough for Ten to know you were comfortable, pulling you closer to him, closing the gap in between. Your eyes fluttered shut, your heart beating rapidly, seemingly wanting to break free from your ribcages and attack Ten. You smiled to yourself, fairytales can be real.

“I’ll get you Shake Shack if you let me in that head of yours.” You snapped your eyes open, looking at Ten’s gleaming ones.

“My thoughts are worth more than Shake Shack.” You snapped at him, he laughed.

“You’re thinking about that crush of yours?” He asked, tone soft as he gazed at you sadly.

“No.” you said without much thought.

“No?”

“My crush isn’t here” You lied. Ten hummed, nodding at your answer.

“Are you sad that your crush isn’t here?” He asked again. You shook your head, giving him a smile.

Ten leaned closer towards you. Your heart drummed to the point you could barely hear the music booming on the speakers, or the crowd chattering to oblivion. You closed your eyes, anticipating what he might do after. He placed a delicate kiss on your forehead, sighing silently at the end. You never knew what the meaning behind that sigh was, whether it was good or bad.

When he pulled away, Ten seemed fine. There weren’t any hidden emotions being spilled, there was only a wide goofy grin plastered on his feature. You had your hope in him confessing, but it seemed unlikely knowing Ten probably saw you as nothing but a dear friend.

It didn’t take him too long to snap out of his own world, pulling you away from the crowd towards the cool midnight air.

“Where are we going?” You blurted out.

Ten turned his head to face you, feet still pacing towards his parked car. His eyes squinted at yours, eyebrows furrowed. You knew he was silently judging you, especially since Ten was never a master in concealing his expressions.

“Midnight drive.”

You remembered the silence of the road during that ungodly late hour. No traffic jams, smooth ride, it went well. The night was dark, the only given light from the moon. You often found yourself glancing at Ten, amazed by his features.

You felt the car halt during a red light, its man-made neon lights flashing across his face, sculpting his features. You gazed in admiration at the result, thinking that he could be an exhibit displayed in an art museum.

“Stop staring or I’ll poke your eyes out.” He said. You turned away instantly, acted as if you weren’t ogling him.

Ten laughed at your behavior, he said nothing and proceeded to drive. He made a turn, and you found yourself in the drive-thru of McDonalds. It was still Prom and having McDonalds with a flashy tux and a bedazzled dress was a perfect way to end it.

Then Ten parked his car alongside the river, letting you eat whilst staring at the breathtaking view; you couldn’t ask for more. He rolled down the window and turned off the engine. You could feel the harsh rumble slowed down to nothing, allowing the soft rippling of the waves to replace it. Ten rummaged through the paper bag, taking out the food. He passed you your order and you quickly munched on one of the fries. Ten opened his mouth, making some random sounds to get your attention. You took one of the fries and put it in his gaping mouth. He hummed in satisfaction.

“I want the Mcflurry!” You demanded

Ten rolled his eyes at you but still he complied, giving you the dessert. You smiled at the melting dessert, taking a fry and dipping it inside the cup. You moaned at the taste; how you loved the contrasting taste of salty with the sweetness.

“Give me one!” Ten stated. You nodded, scooping some of the sweet flurry on the fry. Passing it to Ten, you could only hope it didn’t spill anywhere. You felt a little of it drip on your hand, yet you paid no attention towards it. Ten bit down and chewed.

You were about to pull your hand away and wipe the spilled ice cream, but Ten held you in place. Taking your hand in his, he latched his lips on your hand. You could feel him giving little kitten licks, cleaning the marked area. You felt yourself grow hot, blushing at the sudden intimacy from him. When Ten raised his head, he noticed the color of your face turning a few shades of pink and smiled to himself.

“Are you flustered?” He asked

You wanted to slap him. Before you could do much, you felt his grip on your wrist tighten. Ten pulled you closer towards him, the impact enough to send you toppling towards him. You yelped in surprised, Ten smiling at your confused state.

Both of your faces were inches from one another, just one nudge was enough to send your lips flying towards his. You felt your face grow hotter; his smirk prominent on his face. You knew Ten was doing nothing but tease, but a small part of you did hope he would lean forward. You saw the glint of mischief glimmer in his pupils, his hot breaths hitting your cheeks, but he was still as composed as ever.

“Did you expect anything?” He asked with a smirk on his face.

“Screw you, Ten.” You hissed out, stumbling on your words.

He let out a small chuckle, amused by your choice of comeback. Ten leaned forwards, finally closing the gap in between. You felt your heart leap when his lips touched yours, delicate at first before it became more needy. You sighed a little into the kiss, it was enough for Ten to continue. He pressed himself towards you, deepening the kiss. When he pulled away, he stared at you in awe. Your hazy eyes and your flustered face, accompanied by your whole body gasping for air, he thought you looked breathtaking.

He licked his lips, tasting the artificial cherry lip gloss you wore. He hummed in content, bliss even.

The next thing happened in a snap. The words that you always kept to yourself, never once slipping out. They were always deep inside, locked in a chest, key thrown into oblivion. In a snap, everything stumbled out without your control.

“I love you, Ten” And his eyes widen by your confession.

***

That happened 2 years ago.

You had always been safe in your life choices, in hope to ensure the safest outcome in the future. You tried your best to succeed in school, got into a decent college, and managed to find an average part time job as a librarian on your campus ground. You had thought if you choose your path wisely, it was easier for you to survive in life.

Ten proved you wrong.

You had always thought falling for Ten would eventually lead you to another stage in life, to finally settle down. You envisioned him not only as your life-long best friend, but also had the hope to be a potential lover.

You loved Ten, truly. But he made you realize that sometimes the safest decisions weren’t so safe after all.

After Prom, he drove you back home without a second thought. He walked you to the door, let you settle in the house before leaving. You had thoughts that Ten might leave you after the whole kiss situation, but he didn’t.

The next morning, he texted you again, to check up if you were feeling okay or up for another day out. You remembered declining, stating you were too tired from coming back so late – which was true. It was still fine, perfect.

You had always thought Ten would realize how head over heels you were for him. It seemed impossible for anyone to be that dense, moreover he was always there around you. You remembered smiling rigidly when you noticed his expression.

His eyes widened; mouth slightly agape like a fish on the surface. You felt his hands shake a little, you felt it on your skin. Ten stuttered out his words, stumbling here and there not being able to fully form a complete sentence.

You had never seen him like that.

Ten called you the next morning, and you still had your hopes for your feelings to be reciprocated. Instead, he only replied you with—

“I am sorry, for everything. It was the heat of the moment, I got carried away”

You didn’t know what hurt more. A rejection; it was cruel, and it hurt, but you knew Ten wouldn’t lie to you even if his life depended on it. Or the fact he disappeared straight after; Ten wasn’t there the next time you tried to contact him, no calls, no texts, nothing.

You knew Ten’s dreams; he spoke about them countless time during your high school days. He wanted to perform in front of thousands, to show his passion and love for his art. You supported him; you knew his potential.

You had seen him practicing, dancing and singing till late at night. Often mad at him for not taking care of himself, being that friend who helped him to pass all his subjects, to a mother who always brought him meds and food to ensure he was eating well.

You cared for Ten, too much sometimes.

The moment he told you he didn’t want to go to university, you didn’t know how to react. Ten brushed your expression off and stated that going to university together or not, he would still be the same Ten you know and grew up with.

He didn’t keep his promise.

You cried a few times, feeling lost for the sudden loss in your life. You heard from your parents that you would meet people like Ten once you entered university; you wanted to believe them. They meant no harm, not wanting to see you cry. But you knew you couldn’t possibly believe every word they said.

Ten was one of a kind, and you still loved him.

Each day dragged on longer than before. You had never felt the overwhelming emptiness, the lack of notifications from him. It felt empty.

You had never felt the loss and emptiness, until you felt him slip out of your life.

He left no traces. His room still the same, sheets still tucked neatly. But his scent was weak, it wasn’t him. It took you quite a while before you could finally accept his absence in your life, Ten had his own life now.

Yet, even after all of that—you were still in love with him.

It was another typical day for you. Finishing classes on campus you ran to the library to start your shift. You went to check your attendance on the board and proceeded to the main desk to settle down. You sighed a little, calming down your racing heart from the small sprint you did.

You took one of the books on the desk, looking at the books to be returned and due for the day. You hummed in acknowledgement before placing it back down. Taking your laptop and papers from earlier lectures, you started doing your own work. It was a few hours of silence in the library. People came and went, coming up to ask for books, information, or just to return and borrow books for the remaining days. It wasn’t a hassle, as in only took you a short while to complete each task, then you were back doing your work once again.

It was a few minutes to closing time. You started packing up your things, putting each chair back in its original position, checking the remaining books that had been returned for the day or for any remaining people who were still roaming around the area. You were about to switch off the power and call it a day until the door opened, calling for your attention. You lifted your head to confront the new incomer, slightly annoyed to see people still dared to come in despite it was already closing time.

“I’m sorry, the library is closed for the—” You halted. It was as if the words stopped forming, your voice stopped functioning.

The familiar figure who had been beside you your entire life. From when he was a literal infant, growing to a rowdy teenager, and now a grown man. He remained the same, only a few changes. His skin was still as pale as ever, a real-life interpretation of Snow White. His dark locks and orbs, the pair of eyes you would let yourself get drawn into. You noticed he was a little skinnier, his eyes a little sunken. But his smile, his smile was still as bright as ever.

“T-Ten” You stuttered his name. Feeling odd by the sudden familiar yet unfamiliar name that had to roll out of your tongue.

“I’m back, love” Your heart swooned.

***

You bit down on the fries, feeling the familiar taste of salt hitting your taste buds. You sighed in bliss, knowing this was all you need after ending your campus and work life.

You turned your head, looking at Ten who was still rummaging through the paper bag for his designated order. He pulled out a burger, unwrapped it, and dug in. You chuckled a little at his hunger, especially when he left out a small moan.

“Did they not feed you?” You laughed.

Ten tried not to talk, chewing faster to swallow and answer your question.

“I had to go through a diet woman, let me enjoy the love of my life.” He said.

You were back at the same place after prom two years ago. In his car, takeout on both of your laps. The only thing that made it different was where the takeout was from. Instead of going through Mcdonalds, Ten got both of you Shake Shack. The promise he made two years ago but was never fulfilled because he was a broke high schooler.

You dipped the fries in one of your milkshakes, munching and groaning in bliss. Ten opened his mouth, whining a little to gain your attention. Like usual, you dipped the salty grease in the sweet dairy, delivering it to his mouth.

“How’s life now?” You asked him. His hand offered out the bitten burger in his hand and you took it, taking bites from it as you waited for him to answer.

“It was hard. But I survived, I’m here.” He said, laughing in the process.

There was a small moment of silence, neither of you spoke. You took small sips from your milkshake while Ten was munching away on his burger. You kept on glancing at Ten, a distant gaze in your eyes. There were a lot of questions in your mind, still spinning and left unanswered. Ten noticed the glances you threw at him, noticed how you gazed upon him with concern and curiosity, but also fear as if he might disintegrate once your eyes leave him.

“Are you staying?” You asked. Ten stopped, ears ringing a little.

You didn’t hear from him for a moment. Nervously, he would divert his attention from his food towards the view. He cleared his throat, looking at you a little before placing his unfinished food back in the paper bag.

“Let’s… go to your place. Netflix like usual?” He said.

You froze, not knowing how to process the whole situation. Lost without much thought, you mindlessly nodded at him. Just like that, he pulled back and drove to your apartment. Ten followed the GPS as it led him further into your neighborhood. You had no idea what was running through his mind, his facial expressions impossible to read, consumed in his deep thoughts.

Ten never realized how two years could change someone so drastically. You were out from your parents’ house, renting a decent apartment near your campus, filling your empty time with part time jobs. He had seen the way you interacted with people, the way you would smile or sometimes joke with them caught him off guard. Especially since he knew how socially awkward and shy you used to be with strangers; he found it amusing.

When you unlocked the door, opening it wide to welcome him into your personal space, Ten silently went in. You rushed to the kitchen and took a glass of water, gulping it down to quench the dryness of your throat. Ten helped himself, taking a new glass and filled it. You directed him towards your room, taking the historical laptop you’ve had since high school, allowing him to start the show as you washed up.

Ten heard the small noise from the closing door. His eyes glued at your retreating figure, sighing when he saw you being swallowed by the other room.

He hadn’t meant to ignore and go missing, he had dreams. Ten would always feel guilty for suddenly disappearing without any context, it was all due to his own contract within his company. Ten had spent the last few years locked up, practicing in order to achieve his dreams of becoming a successful performer. Other than that, Ten’s mind wandered towards you.

He thought about the kiss.

Remembering every single luscious moment of it, playing in his mind like a broken record. He still felt his heart beating like crazy, thinking he lost his chances when you exposed your crush around him but never once telling him who the crush was. He thought it was a stage in life where he was losing you, seeing you slip away between his fingertips. Hence, he restrained. Ten opted to be more cautious around you, fearing his attachment might go wilder.

The growing distance taught him a lot of things. How much more capable you were in life, how you were okay without him in your life. He thought he didn’t have the chance, he lost you during the process.

Ten was in love with his best-friend, with you, since forever.

He had his fair share of stages when he fell in love. The problem was he failed to realize that he had already been in love with you since you were young. Ten was in denial, opting to run away from you. Thinking how impossible it was to fall for his own best-friend, someone who was always there, and someone who was always there to look after him despite how he came back into your life so abruptly.

Ten ran away. He thought if he dated someone else, the feeling would go away. He thought wrong.

Every single person he dated had been nothing but odd. They never gave him the same joy, rush of adrenaline whenever he was around you. Their touch felt foreign on his skin, he found himself wanting to feel your touch on him forever, longing for it every time you pulled away from him. He didn’t feel butterflies from his given nicknames from his past ex-lovers, but the butterflies swarmed him when you called him an idiot or plainly by his name. You had made him crazy, and he wasn’t hating you for it.

Ten was in love, but he was scared to admit it. He opted to run away, thinking the feelings would go away eventually. He thought it was simple, he was only too attached to you, to the point he could only think about you. He went missing, gone without giving any news of his departure towards you.

But the more he ran, the more he felt the longing feelings reaching out towards you. Wanting nothing but to be enveloped in your embrace, dumb conversations late at night, random movie nights till dawn. But he also had the idea of having you as his partner, his lover, his partner in crime, his everything. He wanted you in his life, yet he feared losing you might be easier if it happened.

The growing distance only made him want you more, miss you more. He noticed love wasn’t so simple, it wasn’t easy to get rid of. Unlike water where you can wipe it off without leaving any stain—love, is thicker than water.

“Hey.” He called out when you walked out of the bathroom, hair damp from your shower. You perked up at his voice, snapping your head towards him, fully giving him your attention.

“Let’s hang out after your class, tomorrow.” Ten stated, or more like demanded. You nodded.

A month since you last saw him, Ten started entering your life once again. He made it seem like nothing ever happened, as if the two years was nothing but a short two weeks break.

Ten didn’t show you any sign of awkwardness or hesitation, he straight up jumped right in.

It was becoming more frequent. Meeting him after class or after work, getting dinner together, him accompanying you during tests weeks, bringing you coffee or sending you off to campus in the morning.

Desperation, exhaustion, and longing.

He felt as if he was always there, as if he never had left. But that two-year gap would never be filled. It was an endless void, consuming both of you, testing you, and pushing both of you to see who would break first.

Both of you broke at the same time.

“Was it really the heat of the moment that led you to kiss me?” You started the conversation. He had brought you to the nearest coffee shop in hopes of accompanying you in finishing your assignment. You, on the other hand, had other things in mind than the given project.

It had bugged you the moment Ten came back, the moment he came into your life once again as if he was never away.

You took your eyes away from your laptop, gazing at Ten who was avoiding your gaze. His eyes wandered around the small café, memorizing the minimal interior, enjoying the warm vibe the space portrayed, then he finally rested his eyes on yours.

“No.” He said.

“You lied.” You said. For the first time in his life, Ten lied to you.

Ten smiled sheepishly, shaking his head a little, amused by your unending questions. You waited for his answer, patiently you waited for him to speak first, continuing to type away on your laptop.

“I’m sorry for disappearing.” Ten spoke out. You hummed at his answer, letting him know none of it mattered. You were more than ecstatic seeing him back, those two years was erased or seemed like they ceased to exist.

“Were you afraid of something, Ten?” You asked him again. Ten didn’t voice out his answer, but from the look of shock in his eyes, you knew.

“It’s me.” You said as your eyes gazed at him sadly.

Ten felt his heart hammer, how it plummeted when he noticed the hurt in your eyes. He groaned internally; everything, it was all his fault.

“You were running away from me.” You stated. Ten didn’t answer, he swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling how dry it had gotten.

“You knew, I like you. That I’m in love with you.” You said. He winced at the confession, felt the desperation in your voice as you spoke.

“I love you, Y/N. I love you but I was scared.” He whispered out, soft and only audible towards you.

You abruptly stood up, taking all your belongings into your hand. Hugging all of them desperately, struggling to fit them all in the small space of your arms. You rushed your movements, dashing out of the café, you were sure you probably had made a scene, especially with Ten running out straight after to catch you.

“Listen, please.” He said desperately, heart drumming louder in fear.

You pulled away from him, causing your books and papers to fly out of your hands and land on the ground. You crouched down quickly, stuffing them sloppily into your bag. You knew Ten was still there, crouched to help you gather your stuff. You could feel his gaze run around from the ground to you, most likely with concern and fear.

“I’m sorry.” You snapped your head upwards and look at him.

Ten could feel his heart shatter. The red eyes, puffy and ready to cry, your whole body was already shaking due to the rush of emotions and adrenaline. The mixed-up feelings and longing were consuming you, never had you felt alone in a room filled with people, where all eyes were trained on you and Ten.

“Cut the crap, Ten.” You hissed out, tears streaming down your face, dropping to the ground.

“I should’ve told you—”

“You should’ve stayed! You left me, alone for two years without telling! Two years, Ten!” You snapped, feeling the tears flow down. One then another, it was a continuum by now.

“I was selfish, I didn’t know what was going through my mind. I’m truly sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt—”

“Ten.” You choked out, stopping him abruptly.

“Why?” He asked. You looked at him, confused.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you like me?” He asked again. You shook your head a little, a little in disbelief at his pushy behaviour by now.

“Because of you!” You snapped out and ran.

You didn’t care if Ten was tailing you from behind, trying to stop you. All you wanted was to run away from him, be alone for once. Ten didn’t have the right to pry into your life, not knowing how much you had sacrificed for him, and he decided to come back as if nothing even mattered.

His calls and texts were constant, coming into your phone with no end. You were bombarded with his spams, words of concern, plead for forgiveness, everything. You shunned away from Ten, afraid to meet him after the whole incident, fearing you might hate him if you did see him once again.

It took him another month before he showed up, on your front door of your apartment. You had the thought of him barging in, like those scenes from romcom movies where the guy fight for the girls’ love. Instead, Ten had his hands on the spare keys you gave him when he came back, easily slipping in without making any damage. Like the night after graduation, he stood around the doorframe elegantly. Tall and lean figure leaning on the sleek wood, eyes piercing around yours, lips pressed into a thin line as he was unsure of his next act.

“Do you want to get lunch?” He asked. You could hear his voice shake, causing it to come out like a mere whisper.

You wanted to throw him off, lock yourself further into your apartment, you did none of those. Instead you gave him a simple nod, and that was enough for him to pull you out of your own bubble once again.

***

“A rebound.” You said.

Your gaze rested on your food in your hand, playing with it with your utensils as you listened to his blabbering. Ten sighed a little and shook his head softly, both finding it hard to eat. He brought takeout once again, both of you locked in his car facing the Han river once again, but in broad daylight with his AC blasting.

“I didn’t want you to be a rebound, I was confused.” He said.

“I thought it was impossible if I fell in love with my own best-friend, you were there since…everything! And I thought if we did date, things will fell and I will lose you far easily!”

“Have you ever thought what I wanted?” You asked him, turning your body to face his direction. Ten swallowed a lump on his throat, shakes his head a little.

“Ten, I love you. I still do and that night I thought we had something.”

“I was scared, I was a coward. I didn’t realise that I’ve been in love with you for so long, and I chose not to acknowledge it!” He said, frustrated at this point. You stayed silent, listening to him this time.

“I thought liking you wasn’t going to work out, it scared me. And I chose to run away dating these people I don’t even feel much, thinking that my feelings will change. But oh wow, you are so fucking addicting.” He groaned; a hand ran up his face to his hair in frustration.

“You got me crazy, thirsting for you every single time you weren’t there. Everything wasn’t the same without you around me, Y/N. I came to realise that all too late.” You smiled a little.

Ten caught that small grin of yours, not knowing fully if it’s a bad or good reaction. Your smile widens more, breaking into a Cheshire grin and then you proceeded to laugh. At this rate, Ten was either scared or confused, but he waited patiently until you finished.

“I guess that two years long break was enough for us to clear our mind up” You stated.

Ten didn’t say much first, thinking about it for a while. When he caught the small gaze you direct at him, he knew he had to say something.

“Like what people said, distance makes the heart grows fonder. They weren’t wrong, it was odd not having you around me, and it made me realise a lot of things.” He said.

“And what are those things?”

“That no one can replace you, that you will be that only person I’ll truly love and long for.” Ten said, softly gaze upon you.

Two years. As distance grow and both of you grew older, maturing into adults, those were enough to make both of you realise how despite distance can change a lot of things, both still longs for the similar person. The touch they had lingering around, the smile that will light up your day, the voice which rang around your ears, the name that was enough to give you a surge of butterflies.

The growing time and distance weren’t enough to pull both of your feelings away. He kissed you that day, with meaning. Soft and delicate, afraid he might break you if he put more pressure. You could feel his tears running from his eyes, knowing too well he was tired, emotionally drained. You smiled in the kiss, pulled him in for more, wanting more. You loved him, he loved you.

And for the first time, both of you thought the whole world revolves around you. That was enough to make things official.

Two years, as time passed and distance grew.

Both of your feelings still remained the same, after all love is thicker than water.

[panharmonium]

more scattered naruto thoughts now that we’ve finished season 8 -

[spoiler policy disclaimer first, as always: I am watching naruto for the first time and have only gotten up to the end of season 8 (after pain destroys the hidden leaf village).  i am trying to avoid spoilers, so please don’t interact with this (tags included, because the notifications now show them to me automatically) with any spoilery commentary, including even general things like “oh i love this show but it gets less good after X point” or “X season is better than Y season” or any general assessments of quality/likability/etc re: future seasons.  Thank you! <3 ]

- i like the way S8 ended.  i know that in real life maybe it wouldn’t be so feasible to just talk your enemy back to the light, but honestly, i don’t care.  i love that shit.  i love stories when people refuse to hurt the people who hurt them first, and then their seemingly inconceivable choice to refrain from striking back creates a connection (it’s the ‘return of the jedi’ effect, folks).  i understand that it doesn’t work like that in real life most of the time, and i don’t recommend it for real life people trying to defend themselves, but i do love it in fiction.  i LOVED how naruto went in pursuit of nagato to talk to him, not fight him.  even though naruto says straight-up “i can’t forgive you” / “I want to kill you so badly i can’t stop shaking” - he still recognizes that his enemy is someone who’s been victimized, and he has enough compassion to feel pain on their behalf even when he himself is reeling from having his entire home destroyed and both of his teachers murdered by the person he’s confronting.  his choice to control his (valid) rage and extend a hand in compassion is ultimately what changes the outcome and saves everyone who would have died, reversing the damage that was done, and i love that shit.  

- absolutely adore yamato abandoning his own mission and taking off at a run to try and help naruto when he senses that naruto is losing control over the nine-tails.  this man thought he was just a substitute teacher for a while there, but he’s become part of the family while he wasn’t looking.

- HINATA.  oh my god i couldn’t even enjoy this incredible moment because i was so stressed out (and angry, at the time, because i really thought they were going to kill her, and that would’ve crossed my line).  i want to watch this again knowing that she’s fine, because my anxiety over ‘fuck fuck fuck they’re actually going to kill one of the kids’ precluded me from even appreciating it appropriately.

- there’s been a lot of talk on this show about how sakura doesn’t have as much chakra as naruto or sasuke, but she heals people non-stop the entire time Pain is attacking and doesn’t show any signs of running dry.  SHOW HER SOME RESPECT.

- CHOOOOOOOOJIIIIIIII!  omg.  i was so afraid that his father was actually dead, and SO RELIEVED that he was okay.  you can’t do that to choji!!!

- also relatedly, how much do i adore choji for caring so much about kakashi?  <333 i mean this kid is there sobbing over his dead body, and then he bursts out crying when kakashi comes back to life - i really appreciate these little ties between characters who aren’t always in close quarters but who do have a relationship.  kakashi has been a teacher to ALL of the kids, and team 10 especially feels indebted to him - the respect and affection they all feel for him is very real.

- first time i actually thought ‘ok he’s cool’ with regard to minato was when he talked to the nine-tails so unfazed like “he’s a loudmouth.  let’s go somewhere more quiet.’  i’ve been kind of so-so on his character so far, but i liked this.  

- also later in that scene - the (rare) scenes we’ve seen where naruto totally breaks down absolutely kill me.  it happened once when gaara was dead, and then there’s another moment in this episode when he’s talking to minato - whoever voices him does just incredible work in those moments, and it is SO PAINFUL to me because naruto is always such a happy kid the rest of the time and eternally optimistic and positive and excited and popping back up every time he falls down, and so when he cracks it is just devastating to see.  i hate seeing him cry like that.

- similarly - that shot of sasuke at the end of the itachi arc wrecked me.  naruto’s breakdowns are upsetting, but at least he allows himself to have them - when he gets pushed past a breaking point, he explodes.  he cries and yells and spills every single thought in his head in front of everybody who’s around him, and after it’s done, things get better.  he’s with people who care about him.  he’s venting and making himself understood, and he always finds his equilibrium again.

sasuke, though, has been completely locked down ever since we saw him sneak out of the hospital to wander around the scene of his community’s mass murder, and he’s still locked down now, even crying all alone at the edge of the ocean.  this moment isn’t cathartic.  it isn’t a release.  this is barely even a sliver of what this kid has going on inside him, and it looks like it’s agonizing for him to even let that much out.

- the scene where naruto is about to give up and give in to the nine-tails’s power...that exchange!!!!!!!

i don’t know.  it hurts.  i hate this.  i don’t know.  what should i do.  i don’t know anything anymore.  someone...please help me.  give me...an answer.

destroy everything.  erase anything that causes you pain.  give me your soul, your spirit, your vital essence.  give it to me, and in exchange, i will rescue you from your pain.

this whole exchange is amazing.  the way naruto says ‘it hurts’...this is one of those scenes that expands to cover so much more ground than just what’s onscreen at that moment.  what naruto overcomes here is precisely the trap that sasuke has not been able to escape.  sasuke has never had any framework for dealing with pain that isn’t about pursuing vengeance.  it’s the only way he thinks he can free himself from his pain - by putting all of his energy into destroying the people who hurt him.  

but it becomes an endless cycle, because he never succeeds.  itachi dies and sasuke feels worse than ever, so he turns his attention to the hidden leaf in an attempt to finally kill what’s hurting him.  but even if sasuke were to raze the entire village to the ground, his pain would still be with him, and he’d then have to turn his attention to yet another target, because the alternative would be to recognize that he can’t escape his pain by destroying the things that hurt him, and that’s not something he’s able to accept right now.  he’s spent half his life fixated on the idea that revenge can rescue him from how terrible he feels, and abandoning that idea now would mean that nothing can save him.  it would mean that he’s going to hurt like this no matter what he does.  

kakashi tried to warn him about this.  he tried to tell sasuke that even after getting his revenge, sasuke wouldn’t feel better, that he’d only tear himself apart trying to achieve something that would leave him feeling empty - but sasuke was too entrenched in his own warped thinking to believe it.  and ever since then, sasuke has been in the company of people who are happy to let him dig himself deeper and deeper into a self-destructive hole as long as it benefits their agenda.  they don’t care if he’s hurting himself.  they’re happy to see him suffering.  his pain is a tool they can use.

- a note re: kakashi, when it comes to this topic - 

i think it’s relevant to remember that kakashi never tells sasuke not to pursue revenge because it’s “wrong” or ethically questionable.  he never delivers any moralizing speeches in the vein of “if you kill someone who victimized you, you’re just as bad as they are.”  kakashi doesn’t think it’s wrong if itachi dies, and if sasuke were in a better state of mind, he probably wouldn’t even mind if sasuke were the one to kill him.  that’s why kakashi is comfortable helping team 10 pursue asuma’s killers, after all - because they’re not unbalanced by rage or making self-destructive decisions; they’re acting with clear heads and pursuing a course of action that needs to be taken anyway (asuma’s murderers are on their way to the leaf to capture naruto - they need to be dealt with regardless).  team 10′s kids can handle that mission - they’re thinking straight.  they’re comfortable accepting adult guidance.  they’re grieving, but they’re okay. 

sasuke is not.  sasuke has been deeply traumatized since he was a very young child, and encouraging his quest for vengeance is equivalent to validating all of the fucked-up thought patterns that are hurting him so badly - that it was his responsibility (as a seven year-old child) to protect his clan, that he was weak and cowardly for running away, that he needs to take itachi down as penance for failing to save his family, that killing itachi is the only way for him to justify his childhood survival, that killing itachi will free him from his pain.  for kakashi to encourage any of these false convictions would be irresponsible and, ultimately, harmful to the child he’s supposed to be looking after.  if sasuke gets his revenge on itachi, he’s just going to be left with the horrifying realization that his pain hasn’t lessened even the slightest bit, except that now he also has to deal with the additional trauma of killing someone he used to love. 

kakashi doesn’t discourage sasuke from revenge because Revenge Is Morally Bad and You Are Morally Bad For Pursuing It; he discourages sasuke from revenge because in this particular case, sasuke’s fixation on revenge is hurting him.  it’s unhealthy for him, and it will cause him worse pain in the future if he allows it to continue driving his life.  sasuke is never going to feel better if he doesn’t stop distracting himself from his pain by focusing solely on vengeance.  if he’s ever going to actually be rescued from his pain, he needs to face (and FEEL!!!) his grief, which is precisely what staying fixated on revenge allows him to avoid.

- relatedly: i just.  am SO sick.  of all these horrible people.  getting their hands on sasuke.  and using him for their own ends.  when he has already been manipulated and victimized all his life.  it makes me wanna SCREAM!!!!  and i know that’s the point; we are supposed to be frustrated by this - but - hrnghghgnh

and like - it’s not like sasuke doesn’t know it’s happening!  he’s not stupid!  he knows the people around him are using him, and he just tries to use them back and play them before they play him, and he accepts that this is what his life is going to look like, and because he survives, he thinks he’s in control, but he has NO IDEA how far over his head he’s in now.  and besides, he never stops to think that maybe his life shouldn’t look like this.  he has no conception of ‘someone should be taking care of me.’  he’s never seen himself as a child who needs protection - he’s never seen himself as a child, period.  it’s why he’s such a brat to the other kids, and it’s why he never calls kakashi ‘sensei.’  he thinks of himself as an adult.  he has adult problems.  he can’t connect to children his own age because he can’t connect to the idea of childhood - his childhood was stolen from him, and with it went any conception of refuge or safety or the fact that relentless self-sufficiency and a constant cycle of using/being used by other people isn’t in fact what his life is supposed to look like.

i am continually infuriated by all of these people who have abdicated their responsibility as adults and chosen to exploit an already exploited kid, one who is too messed up to save himself or let anybody else help him.  none of these people care about him.  they all want to use him for something.  they’re happy he’s in pain, because his pain is what enables them to manipulate him.

the people who DO truly want to help him are the same people he’s desperately trying to avoid.  the only adult sasuke ever had a meaningful and non-manipulative relationship with is the same adult he keeps running away from.  and the only two people his own age who ever actually knew anything about him or cared if he was okay are the two people he keeps pushing away. 

there is, perhaps, a lot to be said about how sasuke continually runs away from the people who actually care about him and instead affiliates himself with people he’ll never have to worry about forming a connection with.  “having too many ties in this world just holds you back” - sure, and having no ties protects you, too.  nobody to love you, nobody to know you, nobody you can ever lose.

[bitchy-marvel-dude]

Blue Butterflies

TW: Stillborn, divorce, alcohol abuse, depression, arguments, panic attacks, infidelity, what can amount to child neglect, unhealthy relationships. Thank you for the ask, @hamficwriter !

Word count: 1.5k

It had been a long time coming, Alex realized. Their imminent split had hung over all of them, a dark cloud haunting their lives, darkening the gazes of their children and slowly fraying Alexander and Eliza’s, admittedly rushed, relationship.

Alex almost couldn’t believe it. Everything had been so good in the beginning. They had been married for seventeen years, had eight beautiful children, and another little one on the way. Everything had been so perfect… 

They had good jobs, enough money to support their children as well as to pay for simple pleasures, and, for the most part, there were no arguments. How everything could change so quickly made Alex’s head spin…

It had started, he realized, with little Rachel. Little Rachel who they had known from the beginning to be a risky pregnancy. Little Rachel who hadn’t lived long enough to draw her first breath.

She’d been still born. Eliza had gone to the doctor because Rachel hadn’t been kicking in a while. By the time Alexander had finally gotten to the hospital after hours of heavy traffic, they’d already done a C-section and little Rachel was in her exhausted mother’s arms, too still and too stiff for any infant. 

Both parents blamed themselves. Both parents told the other that their self-blame was bullshit, that they couldn’t have possibly done anything that would’ve aided in their child’s unfortunate fate, but…

Rachel had been cremated. Her ashes had been kept in a small, simple silver urn with the words ‘Rachel Hamilton’ engraved at the base. 

When Eliza was finally ready to leave the hospital, the first thing she did upon her return home was put the urn in what was supposed to be Rachel’s nursery, on a little shelf, right next to a couple soft, plush toys. Then she closed and locked the room, effectively sealing off that part of their lives, and no one talked about the room for the next two few years. Eliza paid for someone to tear down the door and replace it with drywall a month later.

They’d been complete messes after that. Alex couldn’t look at the blank expanse of wall without crying, taking to staying out at bars every night after work. Eliza became depressed, never venturing far from her bed. Angie, their thirteen year old daughter, had panic attacks every day, constantly worried about her parents. 

Philip took to looking after the children when their parents couldn’t. He was there, every day after the children came home from school and the babies returned from day care. He cooked, and cleaned, and looked after the children to the best of his ability.

After three months of looking after the children, when little PJ’s first word was to call Philip ‘papa’, Philip locked himself in his room and cried so hard he passed out. He couldn’t look either of his parents in the eye after that, the few times he even saw them. 

The next big thing that led to the split was Maria Reynolds, a conquest of Alexander’s that he had pursued in a drunken haze. She had been a pretty little young thing, fresh out of college with a face that had yet to be tainted by the passage of time. She’d left bright red lipstick marks all over his neck.

Alexander, being a successful and well-known man, had been tackled by the press after he’d left the young lady’s apartment, feet stumbling and brain still foggy with liquor. When the press asked him where he’d been for the past few months, he described what he had done in vivid detail, swaying back and forth, his words slurring together. 

Angelica had slapped him. 

Washington had fired him.

Whenever he encountered Lafayette, John or Hercules, they wouldn’t talk to them, instead saying all they needed with icy glares.

Angie had a panic attack when she watched the news story in front of all her siblings. Philip thought she was dying, not knowing much about panic attacks as he was only fourteen, and had called an ambulance. 

CPS took all eight of the children, and they went to live with their Auntie Angelica and Aunt Peggy in their home upstate. Alexander didn’t fight for custody. Everyone was sure that Eliza was too far gone to notice her children’s absence. 

Eliza finally got treatment a full year and a half after Rachel’s birth, and a few months after CPS took the children. She went to a specialist, got medicated, and, slowly but surely, got better. 

She, too, slapped Alexander Hamilton in the face. 

Angelica didn’t let Eliza near the children until she was sure Eliza would be okay to look after them again. Which was half a year later. 

Eliza said her first words to her children in two years that day, when Philip was sixteen and Eliza and Alex had been married for seventeen years, despite not interacting much for two of those seventeen. 

Alexander tried to clean himself up. Groveled at Eliza’s feet for her to forgive him for his actions, for the liquor, for Maria…

And she did. And Alexander was clean for two months, despite the screaming of a dead baby in his ears, a sound that he wanted nothing more than to muffle with alcohol. 

Eliza filed for divorce on their eighteenth anniversary, when Alex came home drunk, a random girl clinging to his arm.

The papers had been signed without complaint. Eliza didn’t take any of Alex’s money, and she agreed to joint custody of the children, assuming he got his act together. 

Alex had several cardboard boxes, and he was at what was once their home, gathering his things - books, knickknacks, old pictures, clothes. 

Then he saw the blank expanse of wall. No one had even bothered hanging up a picture over what was once the door to Rachel’s nursery. The only thing on the wall was an iron cross, nailed to the plaster. They weren’t even religious…

Alex remembered the ashes, locked away in the old room. He heard the sound of a baby’s gurgling, ringing in his ears.

He took the cross down from the wall, and slammed it into the plaster. A large crack appeared where he had hit the wall. Eliza ran up the stairs just as he was rearing back to hit it again. 

“What the Hell are you doing?!” she shouted, grabbing the hand that held the iron cross and trying to loosen his grip on it. He pushed her off, slamming it into the wall again. “Stop! Alex, stop! What are you doing? Stop!”

Both parents were crying. Alexander’s knuckles were white, his grip on the cross was so tight. He hit the wall again. 

“Alex, stop, please! Just stop!” Eliza was sobbing. Alex’s shoulders were shaking. The arm that was holding the cross fell, and he leaned his head against the plaster, breath hitching. 

“She...” Alex swallowed. “She was so little, ‘Liza, y’know?”

Eliza said nothing, just cried harder, hands covering her face. 

“And we never got to meet her, and so I don’t know why her death bothered me so much, but it did and...” His head thumped against the wall. “We just left her in there! We just- we just abandoned her, in that dusty old room, and tried to forget, but...” He scrubbed at his eyes. “Eliza, I don’t want to just forget about her, I can’t, I couldn’t then, I can’t now...” Eliza wailed.

“We needed to move on!” she shouted. “We needed to forget! I needed to forget! Everytime I looked at that room… God, Alex, it was like being punched in the gut! We couldn’t just… I couldn’t just...”

“But we didn’t forget!” Alex exclaimed. “You were barely functioning, Eliza! A-and I can’t go an hour without- without hearing her cry and-”

“We needed. To let. Her go.”

“You’re right,” Alex said. He pointed at the wall, right at the hole he made. “But not like this! Not like this.” His arm fell. “We could - we could spread her ashes. Or something like that. But we can’t just lock her away. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to us...”

Eliza stared at him, eyes wide and face still. She stood, grabbed the cross from where Alex had dropped it, and slammed it into the wall. Again and again and again. Then Alex kicked out the rest of the dry wall and, for the first time in almost three years…

The walls had been painted a soft white. Shelves of soft toys were nailed to the wall. A rocking chair rested in the corner. There was a crib in the corner, painted white as well, the blankets in it a soft pink.

They walked toward the shelf, where the urn sat. It was covered in a thin layer of dust. Alex’s hands shook as he reached up to grab it off its place on the shelf. As he cradled the urn to his chest, he was sure he would start crying again. 

The sound of a baby cooing. 

They walked out of the room, ignoring the crumbled plaster they had left on the floor. Neither noticed the way the rocking chair rocked slightly, back and forth.

They spread the ashes in the garden. Right next to a row of yellow rose bushes. A light breeze picked up the ashes, and carried them away with the wind. 

Twin blue butterflies landed on each of their shoulders, and the parents felt fifty pounds lighter.

[sunflowervolvimp3]

Well I imagine Liam did that because unless your name is Niall horan or Harry styles interviewers only care about his one direction days they discuss his first album success the ask about 1d and if he tries not to discuss the band people assume somethings wrong between him and the boys and answering questions about them/ praising them apparently leads people to think his album wasn’t good enough and he wants clout. Even though it was his band too and he can discuss it however he chooses.

In regards to age difference Liam is only 6 years older than his fiancé, Taylor was 4 years older than Harry when they dated, not to mention he’s also been linked to Caroline, Nicole scherzinger, and coucou who might I add is 8 years older than him. You may not like his music or his actions but we can’t praise Harry and shame Liam when the behavior is pretty much the same.

alrighty i wasn’t even going to respond to this at first because we’ve had this debate so many times and i am truly tired of having it so point blank period. i’m not a fan of liam. i don’t like his new music and i don’t really care about him so if that’s an issue for you then you can just stop following my account and we can both save some time and go our separate ways!!!! but what you said about the age thing caught my attention so i wanted to address that.

when i talk about big age gaps in relationships being strange to me, there are three things i consider: how old each person is in relation to the other, where they are at in their lives, and how does all of that affect a power balance in the relationship.

you mentioned harry’s past relationships, which have had larger gaps, and i’m glad you did!! however, you’re incorrect in saying i praise harry and shame liam for the same behaviour, because the behaviour is not the same. in a relationship with a large age gap, the fault always falls on the person who is older. i don’t care how mature you think someone is, or how grown up they seem, because you, as the older person, should be able to remember what you were like at that age, realize how much you’ve grown, and see that that younger person is at a different stage in their life.

so let’s talk about those three things i mentioned shall we!! to begin in broad aspects, i don’t think age gaps in relationships are inherently unhealthy, depending on how old each person is and what stage of life they are in. a four year age gap is illegal and predatory when the two people are 15 and 19, but at 28 and 32? that’s perfectly fine, because it is 1.) legal!! and 2.) a gap where both people are still in the same stage of their lives!! each person has finished puberty, maybe gone to university, maybe has a career, maybe has an apartment, but either way: they are both within the same stage of their lives. a 6 year age gap between a 14 year old and a 20 year old is predatory. an age gap between a 26 year old and a 32 year old?? could be a little big, but they’ve still completed a lot of the same milestones!! they’re both adults, they’ve both made it through their early 20s, they’ve both been out of school and seen the world!! 

now. liam is 26 and his girlfriend is 20, and they started dating at when liam was 24 and she was 18. at 24, liam had been in the spotlight for roughly eight years, released multiple albums, gone on multiple world tours, made millions of dollars, and had become recognizable by sight, if not by name.

and his girlfriend had just graduated high school.

try to wrap your head around that for a minute. think about what you were like when you graduated high school. how you saw the world. how you thought you knew the world. think about how a month before, you had to ask permission to use the bathroom. think about how a lot of people graduating were still growing, still developing, and still learning how to think for themselves. 

let’s say liam wasn’t famous. let’s take fame out of the equation. if he were a regular 24 year old, he’d maybe be graduated from university, moved out on his own, maybe had a job working in an office, or at a company, or something. he’d be paying rent, making connections, and be living an adult life. and his girlfriend wouldn’t even be able to legally drink yet.

think about the power imbalance there!! think about an adult man, looking at a newly 18 year old girl, and pursuing a relationship with her. and this 18 year old girl, listening to a man with a car, and a job, and an apartment, and so many other big, adult, grown up things, telling her she’s pretty, and mature, and lovely, and all these other things that make her feel special. because she’s not like other girls her age. she is special.

now throw in liam’s actual life at 24, the millions he has, and the fame, and realize how that power imbalance triples. think about how maya was around 10 years old when one direction formed. think about how she’s seen liam in the news and on magazines and on a pedestal for over half her life. and none of this even mentions that he has a child, who his girlfiend--now fiancee--will become a stepmother to. at 20 years old.

and that’s not to say that liam hasn’t been on the lower end of a power imbalanced relationship!! i haven’t forgotten that cheryl cole is 11 years older than him, meaning that when she first met liam on the x factor when he was 14, she was 25!!!! and then less than 10 years later, they had a child together!! in my opinion, that’s grooming, and it’s awful, and i don’t think it’s right. but that doesn’t excuse liam’s behaviour here.

which is why, as i said, i don’t consider harry’s relationships and liam’s to be in the same category. harry and caroline’s relationship, with him being 17 and her being 32 (?), has creeped me out since i first heard about it at 13. it was wrong. it was a huge power imbalance. i’m 22, and i consider an 18 year old a child. how could someone in their 30s see a 17 year old and think it’s okay to pursue a romantic and sexual relationship with them? they haven’t even finished puberty. they’re a child.

harry and taylor, as well, had a larger gap, and it does make me feel a little off when i think about it. granted, they were both doing the same thing and so relatively at the same time in their lives--touring the world, releasing albums, dealing with paps and press--but it was still a larger gap and not something i would do. 

idk anything about nicole scherzinger, but as for camille, the same thing kind of applies in my opinion?? it was a larger gap, yes, but they were both adults, both fully developed, both at relatively the same place in their lives, and hadn’t just become legal.

with age gaps, i find the older both people are when it happens, the more acceptable it is, because after a certain point, you’re at the same stage in your life and are thinking about the same things and have the same goals. and this is all a matter of opinion, so you can have yours, but you cannot convince me that liam, a father, dating a girl who had just graduated high school, is not creepy. the age gap of 6 years isn’t what’s bad-- it’s what stage of life they’re at.

and that’s my opinion!! i went a lot longer on this rant than i meant to because i wanna put it to bed!! i’ve gotten so many asks about liam’s relationship every time i say i don’t care for him or i think it’s weird and i’m done so!! this is it!! take it or leave it!!

[inumaqi]

top ten tagged by @linkspooky 🍊 explanations under the cut! sorry for rambling xo → rules: name your top ten favourite characters from ten different fandoms, and then tag ten people - @osomanga @kara-suno @anonimarevolts @zeninmaki @wildbishonen @shysheeperz @tkmewthyou @kaldurlenn @joxterism @marshmallowdonutsprinkles

snufkin okay so he’s the only one not from an anime or manga but i had to put him on bc he’s the most important fictional character to me, ever. i grew up watching the moomin cartoons in the 90s and thinking about it instantly calms me down - they used to air the episodes early in the morning when it would still be dark outside: the landscapes were moody and cosy, the characters were so softly spoken and articulate... it’s just peak nostalgia. anyway, snufkin is moomin’s best friend; he returns to moominvalley every year to be with his friends during the spring and says his goodbyes to go adventure again come winter. it upsets moomin when he leaves but snufkin is adamant that quiet and solitude are important and healthy, and it’s not fair to expect him to compromise on his independence - that made a really big impact on me as a kid, especially as someone who never really had their ‘own’ space (twinsies). relationships aren’t weakened by physical distance or time, they’re about communication and understanding. that was important too. i don’t think i realised just how influential it had been until i was an adult but snufkin is an anarchist. he first shows up in the comics when moomin and sniff are talking about opening a bank - he tells them they should plant fruit trees instead. he destroys private property and rescues orphans, he refuses to participate in things that don’t bring him joy. when he’s asked where home is, he replies, “nowhere. or everywhere! it depends how you look at it” - the whole world belongs to him, and the whole world belongs to everyone else too.

yomo renji in general, i like characters that trudge along in the background and do the nitty-gritty work that supports the main story. i like people like that irl too. more than anything else, yomo is desperate to form human connections, even though he’s shackled by self-doubt and self-loathing. he just wants to positively contribute to a community, thinking he’s most useful keeping a quiet eye on people who might need protection/guidance (while still giving them space to grow and act themselves) or foraging for human corpses so that others aren’t in danger or moral anguish doing it for themselves.

bird boy is a total weapon - “the perfect ghoul” - and you’re reminded over and over again but a lot of his growth is about rejecting violence and repurposing his power as something productive that he can use to help the people around him instead of hurting people (the yang to uta’s yin). in the first few chapters, he says he kills humans (he’s a ghoul, humans are food, it’s natural) and yet he’s consistently framed as a scavenger who seeks out ‘roadkill’ [suicide victims] for sustenance, even before coming to anteiku, and implements a system so other people can do the same.

suguru getou i was originally gonna say meg bc i love him but, having just finished The Flashback Arc, i can’t stop thinking about getou and i’m beyond impressed with how akutami has managed to ground him so well, so sympathetically. getou is the sick, warped darkness to the hopeful light that gojou commands but... in an uncomfortable twist, the reverse is true, kind of.

actually, gojou is arrogant and confrontational and hyper individualistic. he’s a dissident. getou is obedient, compassionate, self-aware... he has a sense of social responsibility and passionately believes that his skills should be used to protect those who can’t protect themselves - non-jujutsu sorcerers - and all of the suffering he endures as a result is worth that. idk if others are reading his downfall differently but, from where i’m standing, that overwhelming responsibility never goes away, he doesn’t give up on it - he just starts to view the social landscape differently and begins to see how jujutsu sorcerers are vilified and mistreated in spite of all the good that they do. the ‘weak’ aren’t really weak when they’re able to organise and assert collective power over a minority, and so his sympathies shift.

the nail in the coffin for getou is learning that the hurt and pain could be eradicted from the world by cutting the head of the proverbial snake: non-jujutsu users generate cursed energy, so get rid of non-jujutsu users and cursed energy won’t be generated. it’s all horribly, weirdly rooted in good intentions that weigh him down and misdirect him.  shinazugawa genya i feel like the bond that slowly starts to develop betwen tanjirou, and zenitsu and inosuke (in particular) is nicely foiled by genya’s lonely journey towards becoming a pillar. after losing almost all of his family and having sanemi walk away, genya is angry, antisocial, rude, violent, evasive...

he’s characterised as competitive, as if he hates his peers and wants to leave them in the dust as an act of self-satisfaction, a power fantasy or whenever, but this is a deliberate misdirection to cover for the fact that he’s scrambling to be a pillar so that he can reconnect with his brother and prove to him that he can protect himself; that sanemi doesn’t need to shoulder everything alone like he used to. his entire goal is an act of apology.

and in a story where so many characters are able to hone these exceptional skills, genya is uniquely disadvantaged as the only one who can’t master breathing techniques. rather than having a hero moment and powering up, his need to reconnect with sanemi is so strong that he essentially decides to compromise his humanity and become a kind of monster by ingesting the demons he’s pledged to annihilate. amajiki tamaki i wish i had a a longer explanation for this one but it’s actually super simple: tamaki is a really, really, really good portrayal of a person burdened with severe anxiety. the way he physically carries himself, the way he hides his face, his manner of speaking, his dependency on his mirio, how he interprets compliments as trickery, how he needs to be pushed and pushed and pushed before he’s finally able to release his potential... every single scene with tamaki felt deeply personal when i was reading bnha and i knew exactly what he was supposed to be feeling. shinmon benimaru sometimes good, nice people don’t fit a little friendly mould and i like that benimaru is hostile and rough and antisocial, even with people he cares about. he doesn’t expect anything of people, he doesn’t want them interfering with him, and he wants to help and support them all the same because he believes in community. he’s completely oppositional to the special fire force because he thinks it’s a tool to pursue an ideology rather than to protect people, which is why it’s so important when the eighth are finally able to win his approval - they become the only company the seventh consider allies, and it’s proof that their objectives are righteous. despite his reputation as... kind of a nuisance, his skill is acknowledged by everyone and he’s universally regarded as the strongest fire soldier there is. in spite of his antisocial attitude, he agrees that it’s important to share that with younger fire soldiers - he’s incredibly patient and understanding with them, helps them to individually adapt. the way he (and others in company seven) operate in contrast to the other companies when fighting infernals is really cool to me for two reasons: (1) it provides a commentary on how cultures and traditions often struggle to survive when they’re systematically (forcefully) replaced through power and wealth - although the subtext is a little troubling because it’s unclear whether ōkubo is conflating multiculturalism with globalisation which, uh, big nope; and (2) philosophically speaking, the approach to death is interesting. where the other companies essentially perform last rites and offer absolution to the deceased, benimaru personally takes responsibility - at the request of the people in his district - for sending them off in huge public display, kind of like a festival intending to celebrate their life. i think it speaks to how profoundly he values life. akihiko kaji i liked akihiko from the beginning because he’s stoic and introspective and also excitable and dumb. he’s a people watcher and waits for opportunities to softly guide uenoyama and mafuyu when they’re quietly crying out for help but doesn’t interfere any more than he thinks is necessary because he knows they can make their own way to where they need to go. i liked akihiko even more when he got really fucking messy. his relationship with ugetsu is sweet and it’s incredibly ugly and unhealthy because they both fail utterly to communicate with one another - they’re both to blame for avoiding and hurting each other, and i think that’s a really normal issue that people find difficult to overcome. i’m super interested (and really nervous) to see how his relationship with haruki develops. he’s done some horrible things to haruki and i want him to be accountable for those things and have them affect their relationship in a realistic way.

tanigaki genjirou one thing i really, really love about golden kamuy is the way noda satoru incorporates the importance of minority cultures into the story, and tanigaki’s apparent abandonment of his matagi heritage is really beautifully written. matagi hunting traditions shaped his life as a young man, it’s how he was able to really assimilate to the people around him and form relationships and - without getting too spoilery - he divorces himself from it all when he’s overcome by grief and hatches a plan for revenge against the person responsible. so, by allowing himself to surrender to negative feelings and thoughts instead of seeking support and learning to heal from what happened, he becomes a total shadow of himself. 

makimura takeshi i know i’ve gushed about it before but i can’t properly explain just how incredible it felt seeing an asexual character in manga dialogue about being asexual, and devils’ line does it twice. the reason i’m so attached to makimura in particular is because he doesn’t seem to have fully figured it out - and he’s kinda... comfortable with that. he wants to be with someone and he wants to be monogamous but he can’t understand why he doesn’t feel sexual desire towards her; he knows his feelings aren’t platonic but doesn’t know whether they can really be called romantic either.

not to go dark mode but i very vividly remember just how lonely and horrifying it was battling with those uncertainties when i was a teenager, thinking i was broken because i didn’t have Normal Human Feelings and needed to be fixed. i was so worried about it that i thought about all the boys i knew, picked the one i thought was the nicest and actively tried to develop a crush on him. it was dumb as fuck but, ten years later, i realise it was really desperate and sad too. i forced myself to have ~my first kiss~ (it was horrible) because i felt like i was getting left behind and i think i would’ve put myself in worse situations as i got older if i hadn’t suffered with such bad social anxiety.

i hadn’t really thought too much about a lot of this stuff for yeaaars but it all came flooding back when i was reading devils’ line. it was bittersweet bc i was remembering all of those shitty feelings but also watching this character grapple with those same questions and go: i don’t know yet and that’s not weird, let’s just grow with it. i still don’t totally know whether i’m ace or aro or bi, or whatever, but i’m trying to be okay with just... not knowing.

misora shuuji anyway, devils’ line isn’t actually a manga with a specific focus on sexuality and gender but shimanami tasogare is and all of the characters are written beautifully. if you haven’t read it yet... then why haven’t you read it yet? misora is only about twelve years old and watching them battle with their growing pains is really compelling - they’re closeted but, through the lounge, they have somewhere to explore their gender and all the questions they have about it. they’re amab and present as traditionally feminine wrt clothes, wigs, makeup, etc. but can’t quite tell if they see themselves as a girl, a boy or non-binary.

with the onset of puberty and anxieties about physical changes to their body, misora’s story puts a lot of emphasis on the pressure they face to just ‘make up their mind’ about something that’s actually incredibly complex and doesn’t have any easy answers. they snap and shout and get upset, especially when tasuku (the protag) tries to push them into a corner because he wants a concrete label or identity he can attach to misora, even though space is exactly what misora needs.

[nunonabun]

Turnadette #20?

20 …on a scar.

Something of a follow-up to this. Fairly long, so it’s under the cut.

He set his bag down heavily. Sister Frances had been nervous about the labour of a first-time mother that was running a bit long and he’d opted to go and assist her. His presence ended up being more helpful for morale than for any medical assistance, but he was happy to help in any way he was needed. And he joyfully wet the baby’s head with Mr. Allen before returning home for the evening. Though the work had been far from demanding, he was thoroughly exhausted. A concern pricked at his ego, such a calm call-out wouldn’t have taken so much out of him even five years ago. Mr. Allen’s jovial comments about how relieved the good doctor must be to have left this trying experience behind him years ago would have been water off a duck’s back when Tim was still running about in short trousers.   

He shrugged off the troubling thoughts along with his coat, turning his attention to what supper Shelagh had left for him in the oven. 

Nothing. He sighed. She knew he’d been called out.

He made himself a sandwich and wolfed in down before making his way upstairs. 

Shelagh was just coming out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her hair, a slight cloud of steam emerging from the open door. She seemed to glow in the moonlit bedroom. He probably smelled of sweat and the smoke of the pack of Woodbines Mr. Allen had puffed through during his wife’s gruelling labour.

Frustration at the contrast of their evenings sharpened his words. 

“Looks like you had a relaxing evening. Is there any hot water left, or did you go through that along with the supper?”

Shelagh had the nerve to look affronted. “I’m sure there’s enough for a bath, and I’m sorry about your supper, there wasn’t any food left.”

Patrick pursed his lips, dissatisfied with the explanation. “You always cook for five, six when Timothy’s home, it couldn’t have been to hard to make enough for me as well.”

“Well, I apologize but I didn’t realize just how much Teddy would decide to throw on the floor and onto myself and his sisters, nor how much they would throw back before I managed to calm them down.” Her voice carried all of the tension he could see in her body. “I could make you something simple if you’re hungry.”

“No, no, I’ve done it myself while you had a nice soak.” That was unkind, he knew that, and he was mildly ashamed of himself, but it felt so good to let out his frustration.

“I’m sure it wouldn’t be preferable if you found me in bed with cottage pie in my hair,” she retorted sharply.

“I wasn’t aware it took hours to clean off a bit of cottage pie.”

“It takes a good while if the pie has been used to decorate the kitchen and you have three crabbit children to clean up and settle on your own.” Her eyes were reproachful, arms folded.

Patrick scoffed, “Oh, so now I’m at fault because I was out doing my job?”

“Well, I wouldn’t mind having a bit more support around the house. It’s past time you thought about taking on a young doctor to help with some of the work,” she forced her voice back down to a whisper, words coming out almost as a hiss.    

“I’m not fit for the dustbin just yet,” he snapped. “Sister Julienne is older than I am and you don’t go about telling her to give up work!”

“Patrick,” the forced conciliatory tone frustrated him while also making him feel exceedingly childish. “I never said you should give up work. It’s just that you have many calls on your time and for you especially being overworked is… unhealthy.”

He snorted and ran a hand down his face. “So I’m old and fragile then?

Shelagh was visibly struggling to restrain her own frustration. “No, that’s not what I’m saying and you know it.”

“Do I?” He fixed his eyes on her again, exasperated. “My war neurosis is in the past, we’ve established that. Yet you manage me like I might become an invalid at any moment.”

She blinked and frowned, recoiling as though the words had been a physical blow. “I thought that was helpful, reducing the stressors that might put you in the state you were in that time - ”

“I got out of much worse than that state on my own after the war, you don’t need to witter on about it every time I have a long day.” 

“I’m not wittering on about it, I’m just trying to take care of your health.” She looked hurt, and he harnessed his anger to push through the guilt.

He rolled his eyes. Could she not just let it go? “I don’t need to be taken care of, for goodness sakes, I’m your husband not your patient.”  

“Yes,” she agreed, her accent, thick with the emotion of the situation, stretched the ‘e’ to a melody of its own. She was very distressed now. “And that’s why I care so much about your wellbeing. I would have though you might as well, if you didn’t let your ego become more important than effect your absences have on our family.”

His words caught in his throat. His thoughts were moving to fast to catch ahold of. Patrick turned quickly and walked out of the room, out of the house and into the blissfully quiet night, leaving them each to their own grievances.

-*-

He had closed the door softly, thankfully mindful that this argument would be even worse with upset toddlers joining it. Shelagh was on the brink of tears. They’d grown in leaps and bounds since the early, confusing days of their marriage, but new challenges were never shy to present themselves. He needed space to process their argument, she knew that, but she needed him to talk to her. Not to talk at her and then close in on himself when she pushed back. Perhaps it was selfish of her to resent the feeling that he didn’t consider her needs. Had she properly told him that sometimes the way he took space hurt her? Or that she felt her own work never stopped? 

But why should she always have to tell him these things? She figured out what he needed when he struggled to communicate. She was always looking for ways to manage his stress and make things easier for him. Why could he not try to do that for her? That thought stood out loudly in her mind, and she disliked herself for it. Perhaps she had become selfish since she left the Order. Men often struggled to communicate their feelings and perceive those of their wives, was it not part of her role as a wife, as someone who loved and was loved, to facilitate that communication? And in any relationship each partner had different strengths, it was ridiculous to assume they were equally balanced in every element of their personality. That they complimented each other in many ways was as much of a strength as the qualities they had in common. But there were things that needed to be shared equally, she had learned that over the course of her marriage, and communication was one of them. 

She longed to speak to him about these thoughts, to have a discussion about it without their anger flaring up and ruining what understanding they’d managed to build up between them. Perhaps they still could this evening. Shelagh hated going to bed angry, and she knew Patrick did as well. He would be back from his walk soon enough, cooled off and likely more able to talk about these things. Perhaps she should take the time to stabilize her own emotions. She put on the kettle and began to hum the Vespers service to herself, emptying her mind of all but the calm the music brought her. 

~

It was misting lightly, the small particles of moisture diffracting the light of the streetlamps and causing the cobbles to shine.

He couldn’t rid himself of the memory of her face. She had looked hurt, tired and defeated, a look he sometimes saw if the children were being particularly trying and every other facet of her life conspired to add to the chaos. Normally he wasn’t one of them. A wave of guilt washed over him. He didn’t add to the chaos, but he didn’t help with it either. Not as much as he ought. Dr. Kenley had commented recently about how unnatural it was that wives were pursuing careers after they’d had children and husbands were assuming more responsibility for child-rearing, demeaning themselves, he’d said. Patrick had thought his family to be beyond those old-fashioned strictures. He and Shelagh were a modern couple, equals, sharing every element of their lives with one another. This honesty and closeness was something he cherished deeply. But was it also something he took for granted? Many of their conversations recently had been practical, solving problems and preventing disasters only on the level of scheduling, engaging with the emotions beneath that. He’d neglected to explain the concern he felt at growing older while his family was still young, and he’d neglected to ask about the troubles that weighed on her mind. He stared up at the moon, suddenly longing for closeness with his wife, to explain what he’d been feeling and apologize for what he’d been blind to. He turned back, his pace accelerating as he neared his home. 

-*-

She met him at the door, looking much as though she’d gone through the same introspection as he had. He gently took her in his arms, relief enveloping him as her arms encircled him. 

“I’m so sorry, my love. I took my frustrations out on you, and it was completely unfair.” He held out the olive branch, knowing that as the instigator, it was his responsibility to do so. 

She accepted it. “I certainly didn’t help the situation. I should have asked you to take your space before we talked.”

“And I’m sorry for taking it the way I did. I know it hurts you when I run off in the middle of a conversation.”

“It does,” she admitted. “But it’s nothing that talking it over now won’t heal.”

He nodded and pressed a kiss to her hair. “I’d like that too.”

She sat on the couch, and he removed his wet shoes and joined her.

“Do you really feel I treat you as an invalid?” She asked immediately, her face lined with concern.

He thought about his answer, trying to untangle his own emotions. “Not exactly, that was overstating things. I love that you look out for things that may… trigger me,” he started slowly, “but there are moments when I feel it’s a bit much.”

She accepted this revelation. “Would you tell me then, when you feel that way?”

“I will, absolutely. And much of the time I really do appreciate it. I wouldn’t have gotten through my last relapse, wouldn’t be able to be as open and comfortable as I am about it now without you, I want you to know that.”

She smiled, her eyes warm and soft now. But her brow remained furrowed. “So when I reproached you for working so much -”

He cut her off, “That was completely justified, both for my own sake and for you and the children.” He took a deep breath and held her hands in his own. Their warmth, and the gentle way her her thumb stroked his fingers soothed him. “If I’m being honest, you were right about my ego. I was feeling sensitive about my age, often am, really, and I think I’ve been trying to prove something to myself, and to everyone else, by working more.”

“Oh Patrick,” he could hear the pain in her voice. He pushed on, “It is self-destructive, as you pointed out, and it’s getting in the way of spending the time I want to spend with you and our children. And it leaves you with all of the burden of work and family. That’s not the life I want to be leading. That’s not what I want for us.”

Her soft hand on his face drew him into a healing embrace, the understanding and love they communicated through their lips, through the acceptance of the feelings they’d shared with one another a balm to old wounds. Their conversation continued long into the night, the sleep they lost was well worth the understanding and closeness they gained. Such an argument might happen again, they both knew that, but both learned from it, worked to be better partners. And they grew closer, as they knew they always would for as long as they loved one another enough to work through the problems they encountered and any friction that arose. Until death parted them.

[send me a number and ship and I will ship you a fic]