#he keeps it tight and simple in terms of plot and cast and things

[mariocki]

Operazione Paura (Kill, Baby... Kill!, 1966)

"They want to get you too! Melissa has waited for you for twenty years. Run! Run for your life!"

[peaches-writes]

okay without you

member: jisung wc: 1.4k  genre: fluff, make-up au note: a charlie burg song oops + same universe as before one a.m. but that’s not really relevant to the plot lol dedic: @akutagawahakuryuunosuke hi im sorry i couldn’t write ur request !!! i’ll do better next time promise

[11:38 PM] Jisung comes up the stage alone, automatically making you look around the dimly-lit cafe for any sign of Changbin and Chan from your all-encompassing view standing at the back of the audience. Finding them seated crisscrossed at the very front of the crowd without much difficulty, your eyes then look back up to your friend (or borderline ex-friend, ex-date?, ex-somehow boyfriend you’re not even sure at this point) and only then do you notice the guitar he’s carried on the makeshift stage with him.

“Jeongin, can you dim the lights please?” Jisung asks through the microphone as he sits down and adjusts his guitar on his lap, motioning to the bright lighting. Across from you, Jeongin flicks the switch on on end of the counter he’s been manning alone all night, effectively switching out the light bulbs for the white fairy lights that give a softer glow in your surroundings.

The crowd cheers at this. J.One has never sang solo live before—let alone with a guitar.

“So, uh...hi, it’s J.One of 3racha but I’m just Jisung for tonight since I’ll be singing.” In the darker setting, Jisung’s voice unconsciously reaches lower but he still expresses himself in the same awkward way. Clearing his throat and strumming his guitar once (much to the cheers and applause of your juniors present in the crowd), he continues, “Anyway, since this month’s Open Mic theme is about love—Valentine’s and all—and 3racha’s not really known for love songs, we played a game to decide who’ll perform solo tonight and—and here we are.”

A scattered chorus of ‘Go Jisung’s echo around the crowd and even you decide on joining along without really expecting that he’d take particular notice.

You‘re not in good terms recently, after all, but that didn’t mean you’re not going to cheer him on his first solo performance. In your heart and mind, he’s still someone dear to you first and foremost.

But you don’t see it in the darkness of your surroundings and your distance from the stage that Jisung heard you loud and clear, and that hearing your voice blending in the chorus reaction made him even more nervous.

He was nervous and surprised enough seeing you show up to this Open Mic despite him getting on your bad side and now he hears you cheering him on, as if he didn’t just slowly disappeared from the face of the Earth throughout this whole semester when you just started dating and made you worry so much that you got into an argument about it.

Jisung suddenly felt like he wanted the building to crumble over him but also sing the song he prepared confidently and finally walk over to you.

So he strums his guitar again to calm his shaky hands. “Uh, yeah, that’s that.” He chuckles through the heat rising up his neck. “Performers only have five minutes and I only managed to prepare one song because I couldn’t practice much this week so let’s get it over with.”

He then takes a deep breath as he begins to play a familiar intro. “This one’s for anyone out here tonight trying to figure out what their next move’s going to be. Happy Valentine’s Day, Block 325.”

You wonder what he means—only figuring it out when he begins singing.

“Saying things I don’t believe, and your love casts its shadow on the things I do.” He sings softly, the audience immediately growing silent and swaying along with their bodies. “And I can hear so clearly all the words I wish I said, you’re stuck in my head.”

Though you haven’t talked properly in almost a month, Chan and Changbin happily communicated to you significant happenings to Jisung—keeping up with each other made you fight, after all. You’re informed well-enough that you’re the only person he’s not okay with right now.

And he knows how much you love this particular song.

“But I only think of you, will we be together soon? I’m thrown on the wayside, you’re planted in my mind, but I don’t wanna be okay without you.”

No one claps or cheers this time unlike in the past performances of the night. It only took listening to the way Jisung’s nervousness would slip in between the words to know that he was singing so sincerely.

It makes your heart melt, listening to him, that you can’t pull your eyes away from him as he sings his heart out. Whether it meant something else or not, it didn’t matter at the moment.

You just wanted to make it up with him at this point.

And before you know it, the song’s over and he’s trying to catch your eyes in the darkness and distance, finding you after with much difficulty, excusing yourself from people and making your way outside.

Jisung follows suit once he’s thanked the crowd a few times, passing his guitar haphazardly to Chan before chasing you outside.

[11:47 PM] Jisung finds you looking up at the canopy of trees on the sidewalk as he exits the cafe, hands in the pockets of your hoodie to keep you warm against the cold February air.

You see him approach hurriedly even with your eyes cast upwards and you quickly prepared yourself for a long monologue he always does when he’s upset any of his friends, only to be surprised by a tight hug from him.

“I’m so sorry.” He mumbles against the crook of your neck simply, no planned monologue this time. “I didn’t mean any of it.”

Your shoulders relax under his touch as you hesitantly hug him back. “I know.” You reply after a while, lifting your hands up to his sides and hugging him back.

But still, he insists on his apologies like a chant and it breaks your heart even further, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry...”

“Stop saying you’re sorry too much,” You gather all of your remaining strength to say as light-heartedly as you can, patting his back. “it’s okay, I understand.”

“But I left you.” He points out, effectively making you freeze in his arms. “...and pushed you away.”

Even with such seemingly vague and simple words, you know exactly what he meant and its weight in your relationship. And at that moment, you’ve finally come to terms with your mixed feelings that has been building up throughout this whole semester.

You’re ready to forgive and say sorry to him now.

“I know,” You reply, pulling away slowly once you hear his breath shake next to your ear. “I understand, seriously. You were...busy and stressed and anxious and you needed time alone. I’m sorry I kept pestering you.”

His eyes travel down to his feet, the feeling of shame overpowering his relief that you’re finally communicating properly again. “But you were only looking out for me. I should’ve confided in you instead of pushing you away.” He then scratches the nape of his neck, the words seemingly getting caught up in his throat. You’ve never talked this seriously before and it felt weird—like he doesn’t ever want to cross you again. “I’ll do better, I promise, if you let me.”

“I know.” You smile, trying to catch his gaze after by tilting your head down a bit. “Jisung, look at me, please.”

He looks at you slowly and hesitantly, relief finally overcoming him now that he’s seeing you smile after a while. “Yeah?”

You purse your lips nervously once, shifting your weight awkwardly. “...I love you.” You mumble under your breath, low enough for only the two of you to hear against the distant background chatter and the muffled music. “I’ll try to be more patient and understanding from now on...if you let me, too.”

This time, it’s him frozen on the spot as he contemplates how, even after the chaos that is your past semester, you can still say that to him.

And it’s the first time he’s heard it from you too.

But he knows you mean it—you never throw those words around for just anybody.

“I—I love you too.” He decides to reply after a while, lips breaking out in a grin. “I’m sorry that took so long.”

You nod understandingly, “Like I said, I’ll be more patient, promise.”

“And I’ll communicate better.” He concludes, naturally pulling you into a hug once again. This time, he plants a shy kiss to your crown, swaying you gently from side to side.

Getting to hug you once again after weeks, Jisung finally understands the complete meaning of your favorite song. He doesn’t want to be okay without you, too.

m.list

[carrioncrows-readers]

You may not be good at a lot, but damn if you don't know business and numbers.

Content Warnings: major content warning for sexual harassment, explicit violence

When Jacob first brought you to the brothel, you thought he'd genuinely lost his mind — you made it quite clear you weren't interested in fucking him for money. With his arm around your shoulders, you were prepared to make quite a lot of fuss if he tried anything — but he didn't. Instead, he offered you a bookkeeping job for steady pay, with room to take "freelancing" on commission should you so desire. It was unexpected. It was — nice. The place is nice. A bit gauche, and good lord, those curtains are tacky, but you didn't expect prostitutes to be so…

Well.  Nice.

Come to find out, the woman who left a lipstick stain on Jacob's cheek (you aren't jealous; you aren't) is named Jenny. Jenny is in the elected position of being madame (you didn't know madames were elected?) of the establishment. Which also happens to be the name of the brothel itself. The Establishment. Tongue-in-cheek, but effective.

She's full-bodied and impossibly soft, brown hair piled into curls on top of her head. The pearls she wears are gifts from clients, apparently, and it's become so much of a running joke that for her birthday, the girls saved up to get her a new set of pearl earrings for fun. You have no idea why she wears them all at once.

She peers over your shoulder as you scribble in the ledger, writing down dates and numbers, trying not to get a headache putting it all together. Unfortunately, you haven't had time to sharpen up your sums.

"Ms. Jenny," you glance at her from the corner of your eye, looking for a way to fill the silence since no one is murdering the pianoforte, "can I ask why you haven't done the bookkeeping yourself?" She hums and smiles at you. You notice dimples in the roundness of her cheeks, like craters on the moon.

"Well, dearie, it's because I can nary read nor write. Neither can any of the others — been meaning to hire a bookkeeper for a bit, just never got 'round to it, I suppose." Suddenly and for, of course, no reason at all, you want to disappear into the floor. You should have guessed. Now you feel awful.

You look at your notes. You had all the girls tell you a rough estimate of their earnings for the past six months; some were more accurate than others, but you get the feeling that Jacob just wanted to find you something to do. He doesn't take a massive percentage anyways; usually, it fluctuates depending on how much they've earned that month. Always enough for a comfortable living after expenses, always favorable towards the brothel residents. You've no idea why, just that he somehow manages to supplement his own income enough that it doesn't put him in the red.

"I see," you say, pausing to add up all the earnings for July, minus overhead. Jenny leans in with her eyes narrowed and pokes your side, making you jump so high your ass almost hits the ceiling.

"You're a right hard one to read you are; what's that supposed to mean? Hm?" She pokes you again, and you feel your cheeks burn bright red.

"Nothing! Nothing, I just — felt terrible for asking, I suppose.  Ow."  You rub your side — does the woman have knives for fingers, or is your skin just made of paper? She pokes your arm — definitely knife fingers.

"Well, no harm done."

You sit quietly, shuffling papers in the ledger until everything is tight and up to date — it's not doing too terribly for a Whitechapel brothel. Still, there are some improvements to be made — namely, the settlement of customer debts.

How ironic that you have become the creditor now.

You set your pen down and lean against your steepled fingers, a plot crawling up the back of your mind and settling in. You ask Ms. Jenny, since she is much more familiar with the Rooks than you, to find you a few burly men. And to tell them to bring weapons. Blunt ones.

This is your job now — you'll be damned if you're not going to do it well. Besides, this isn't something you should bother Jacob with.

It isn't tricky to track down your debtors; one look at you smiling in your silks and velveteens, a train of rugged brutes behind you, and people scrape the ground to tell you where your targets live. They know what's coming, and they're not eager to try and quell the storm. You knock very politely on the door to an apartment in a run-down shack of a building, watching it crack open a hair's breadth. That is all the opening your boys need — they muscle in and push Mr. Curtis to the ground. You ignore him swearing to shut the door, folding your hands in front of your stomach.

"Mr. Curtis! I believe we have business."

"I don't know what you're fucking talkin' about," he spits. A simple nod of your head is all the excuse one of your enforcers needs to start walloping Mr. Curtis about the head until he begs you to stop him. You do, the smile on your face ever so slowly becoming a genuine manic grin.

"You owe my employer quite a bit of money. Do you have a wife, Mr. Curtis? I assume not if you visit brothels so often, but I wouldn't put it past you to cheat, either." Curtis rolls onto his side and covers his weeping nose, and you're fascinated by the slow drip-drip-drip of red into a puddle on the floor. "You have one month, which I find very generous. Can you read?" You don't receive an answer, just a low groan of pain that sends a tingle up your toes; you pull a piece of paper out of your pocket, the ink already dry as you sit it on a side table. On it is a sum of money, a date, and Curtis' name.

You leave him to lick his wounds, damn near skipping out into the darkened street. You visit three more houses in short order before returning to the brothel to see Jacob leaned over the intake desk, talking with Jenny. They both have lit cigars between their fingers. You had no idea Jacob smoked. He turns his head, and you suddenly feel self-conscious of where you've been.

"Done terrorizing the whole of Whitechapel?" He asks, but he doesn't sound unangry. Not that it doesn't stop you from worrying that he's simply putting on an air of calm. You quail and fiddle with the ends of your gloves, staring at your shoes.

"I apologize-"

"Think nothing of it," he says and comes over to pat your shoulder. "Debts need to be paid, and I appreciate you looking after my people. Your people now, too, I guess." Your people. You stare at Jacob and his toothy smile around his cigar, his hand still settled on your shoulder like it belongs there. You clear your throat and shrug it off, hurrying to the desk to note down when your debtors are supposed to send in their payments. It's mostly just to keep your hands busy.

Your people.

You've never really belonged to a group before. You exist in the gray strata between the middle class and the aristocracy, scathingly referred to as the  nouveau riche  by your would-be peers and mistrust by the working people of London, you belong nowhere. Unwelcome in the clubs and symposiums of the genteel, nor the pubs and coffeehouses of the mercantile caste. You didn't even have that many friends among the newly rich, either. Even for them, you were too…  off.  Violet Morvell was someone who tolerated you enough to call you acquaintance. Or so you thought.

The idea of having people is foreign and exciting, and terrifying all at once.

***

Your time at the brothel is well-spent. You buy yourself a math primer with the salary you get and brush up on your sums. With that knowledge in hand, you are brutally efficient with the finances of The Establishment. You set up a sign-in sheet and record every name that comes through the door, much to the patrons' shock and chagrin. The burly doorman you recently hired on is insistence enough they give you their real names, which in and of themselves are insurance. Occasionally he has to throw out a tirading customer, but they usually come back for their fix of unfortunate women. Sex, you suppose, is at the root of most vices.

At the end of the month, all four of your debtors turn their money into your capable (you hope) hands. You didn't have to visit them a second time — they either respect Jacob Frye too much, or they're too terrified of him to keep skimping on his money.

You begin educating a few of the girls on manners, etiquette, and how to properly play a pianoforte without sounding like they're torturing a cow. When you suggest that the brothel start serving tea and coffee to waiting customers, Ms. Jenny happily converts one of the rooms into a small kitchen. It makes more overhead, but in the end, the payout is astounding — it makes the patrons feel special, and men who feel special are pleasantly inclined to give more in terms of tips. Pun intended. Jacob would be proud of that one, you think.

It also attracts wealthier clientele, whom you are more than happy to charge extra for the pleasure of pretty company. The Establishment prospers with you holding the purse strings; you almost dare yourself to feel proud. The Rooks have taken to calling you  bookie,  of all things. Sometimes they even invite you out for drinks.

You've never had a nickname before. You think you might like it.

The English winter drudges on and turns into an English spring, and you settle into a rhythm. You moved into an apartment in Whitechapel, a nicer one (in comparison — it's still poverty when set beside how you used to live, but you think you're slowly acclimating to it) closer to work. You spend most of your time with Ms. Jenny and the girls anyway — most nights, you find yourself passed out at your desk until Ms. Jenny shoos you to a couch in a dark corner by the stairs. She begins to insist that you call her Jenny, just Jenny — but that seems like a breach to you, a line you're just not ready to cross yet, no matter how many times she covers you with a blanket and lets you sleep in the receiving room.

At the end of every month, you meet Jacob in a pub to hand over his cut and go over the ledger. He always lingers to talk with you after, and you've gotten to know him, you think. As much as you can know someone who somehow manages to head both a crime syndicate and an alleged, shady reactionary freedom movement. At least that's what you can glean from the whispered conversations he's had with you when you ask after it.

"I think I know that look," he says, pointing his glass at you, "what are you thinking about?"

Damn him and his sharp eyes — you really must be more careful about your expressions.

"I realize that I don't actually know you at all," you say, swirling your glass around in your hand to slosh the wine inside. Frye's response is a dry chuckle and little more than that, grabbing the bottle of wine and refilling his own cup. You know he's not partial to wine. You know he prefers milds to bitters and finds that lager doesn't have the malty taste he enjoys, but he drinks it when he goes to Evie and Jayadeep's. But beyond that? He may as well be a ghost to you.

"Perhaps that's for the best," he says. You watch him chug half his cup before he sits it down again, wipes his mouth, and clears his throat. You sit your glass down, a companion piece. You'd threaten to kick him over not savoring it, but the wine they serve here isn't worth savoring.

"Do you have any hobbies?"

"Hobbies?" He seems utterly baffled by the idea.

"You know — things you enjoy. That you do on your off time."

"I think it's so incredibly, endearingly bold of you to assume I have off time." He smiles and then leans his chin on the heel of his hand and makes a show of thinking. "I do enjoy a good game of cards."

"Does that count as a hobby?"

"Why wouldn't it? Not everyone can afford to learn croquet or whatever they teach at Fancy Lads and Lasses School for Fancy Lads and Lasses." That stings — you take a drink of wine to lessen the bruise that puts on your ego, and Jacob visibly softens with an apologetic smile. "Sorry. That was unkind of me."

"No — no, you're right." You look down at your hands, smooth and uncalloused, and rub your thumb against your palm to keep them busy. "I'm coming to learn that the world is very different from what I thought."

You don't know why you said it. Or why Jacob Frye touches his fingertips to yours after a long, pregnant pause. You startle, and you look up to see him with that softened smile.

"It's a lot to take in." He pulls his hand away; you find yourself missing the brush of it. Your fingers curl into your palms of their own accord.

"When did  you  first learn about all this Assassin and Templar business?" You ask.

"About four minutes after Evie, right out of the womb. We were raised in it. Our parents were both Assassins, so were our grandparents, probably their grandparents too. It's a good thing we keep dying young; otherwise, we'd be twice as inbred as Her Majesty and company." You gasp.

"That is the queen you're insulting!"

"She's a right shit old bird, is what she is," he plants a hand on his chest, looking wounded. "She almost took Evie's knighthood! Because we dared ask politely for her not to steamroll over all India and probably gleefully kick puppies in the process."

"Evie was knighted?"

"Henry and I too, but I didn't want the damn thing."

"You're a  knight?"  He curls his lip, topping up your glass and sighing. He nods his head as though it's a burden, and you snort into your wine glass. The dismay strangely suits him — he doesn't seem the type to want or even know what to do with a knighthood. You can't imagine him in a suit and medal either, no matter how hard you try.

You're about to ask him what his parents thought about him being here when someone grabs a chair and muscles their way to your table. You're pushed damn near into the wall, scowling and moving if only to keep your wine from spilling. You recognize the idiot who stuck his nose in — his name is Smith, and he's a bastard.

You've had to throw him out of The Establishment more than once; you'd entertain the idea that he has some sort of vendetta against you, but he's not worth the effort of thinking about. He downs his bottle of lager and sits it down onto the table, swaying in his seat. His eyes are bloodshot under the greasy, unwashed blond mop of his hair. He grins at Jacob with all his teeth after he greets him warmly. Loudly.

You cow in the corner as the whole bar turns to look at your table, trying to hide in your skin. For the most part, Jacob seems annoyed. Still, he greets Smith with the impatient smile of a father whose child interrupted an important meeting. You can see a muscle twitch in his cheek when Smith leans on you, his hand wrapping like an uncomfortable snake around your waist.

Your heart freezes, and every muscle you own goes rigid like stone as he spreads his palm over your hip.

"Didn't know you visited the Judies, boss! How much does ol' bookie go for these days? Gold or silver?" You grip your wine glass until your knuckles threaten to split, hot behind the ears as he leans in. His breath smells like a month's worth of stale beer. You fix him with your eye and pull your lip away from your teeth, speaking through a tight jaw. Usually, that is enough to get the handsy ones to back off; not tonight, apparently.

"You know very well that I work the desk. Nothing more, Mr. Smith."

"Yeah, with that stick up your arse, I bet you don't get many Johns. No room." He winks at Jacob, who simply sits and lets you wallow in your misery, the smile gone from his face. You look at him, pleading, as Smith leans even further in and plucks your wine glass out of your hands. You can't move. You can't stop him.

"Aw, c'mon, poppet! Give us a smile." Jacob grits his teeth until his jaw is white, a warning snarl curling his lip away from his teeth.

"That is  enough,  Smith."

"What? Boss, I'm jus' havin' a little fun. Hazin' the greenies, you know how it is." Smith turns back to you, leering ever closer, the rank of his breath falling across your cheek. "You're having fun, aren't you, darling?" The world melts away, candle wax as his hand travels down to rest on the outside of your thigh. You can only think of  Thomas Fucking Morvell.  His hand around your waist. It feels so suffocatingly like he's there instead of Smith, and something-

Something in you.

Snaps.

You think you might be seeing yourself outside your body, your hand wrapped around the neck of the beer bottle as you slam the motherfucker into his big mouth. It explodes in a haze of glass. The force pushes him backward, out of the booth, onto the floor, and he covers his bleeding face with his hands and screams, screams, screams.

"You stupid fucking cunt!"  Smith wails more obscenities at you, but you aren't listening. Your ears ring. The bottle feels oh-so-right in your hands, perfect. Jacob stands when you do, eyes wide and eyebrows high, but he's not quick enough to stop you from straddling Smith's chest and grabbing his lacerated jaw with your hand. Glass cuts into your fingers. He stares up with one eye swollen shut with blood and the other ballooned in horror. You raise the shattered, razor-sharp bottleneck over your head. You feel like an animal.

You wish you could say something clever — but your teeth are pressed so tightly that your words wither and die at the pass. Smith shrieks when your arm falls towards his eyes in a violent arch.

Aren't you having fun, poppet? Gimme a smile.

Something firm and solid stops your arm and wrenches you up with so much force you spin, and the bestial part of you uses the momentum to try to punch out at whatever's caught you. You've never thrown a punch in your life, but by God, are you going to throw one now. Something grabs that arm too.

You force yourself to refocus, panting hard and covered in blood from a million tiny cuts, splattered in Smith's gore and stale beer.

Jacob is staring at you, holding your wrists tight and firm to keep you from hurting someone else — or yourself. Then, finally, the horror dawns on you that the bar — the entire bar — is staring at you. You drop the bloodied bottleneck; your chest feels like it's going to implode. And yet Jacob keeps staring.

"You," he says, more to himself than you, "are full of so many interesting surprises."

***

You are cleaned up, bandaged, and taken to a private room above the bar. You spend minutes (hours, feels like) pacing. Back, forth — back, forth. You chew at your bandages and lament that your nails are covered, gnashing like a beast to try and bite them to the quick.

When Jacob opens the door, you want to throw yourself at his feet.

"Jacob," your voice wobbles, your breath coming out in short gasps, "I am so, so sorry-" He cuts you off with a raised hand.

"No, I'm sorry."

...What?

Whatever for?

You stare in stunned silence while he rubs the back of his neck. "You were obviously uncomfortable, and he just — kept touching you. And I didn't stop him. I'm sorry."

"You — You told him to stop." You want to laugh. This is a trick — this has to be a trick.

"That is not enough." He sighs. "Considering I know what it feels like." He grimaces at the floor, arms crossed, and you collapse back to sit on the bare mattress, hearing the frame creak its protest under your weight. The two of you exist in oppressive quiet until Jacob pipes up from the door.

"But — that was impressive, back there. And you've shown a lot of initiative and drive these past few months. I think you should join us — the Creed." It sounds like a speech he's rehearsed for months, shocked into pulling it out now at the most inopportune of times. It's damn-near comical, but you can't bring yourself to laugh.

"Again, with your crazy cult of conspiracy theorists." You sag, running a hand over your face. "Fine. I'll join you. What else do I have to lose?" The silence that follows is awkward and strange, so you try to fill it with conversation. "What did you mean when you said you knew what it felt like?" Jacob leans against the wall, watching a patch of the floor behind you with great interest. It takes him a moment to speak, but he sounds distant. Weather vaned to a place in history far away.

"His name was Maxwell Roth."

"The old leader of the Blighters? The one that set fire to the Alhambra?"

"The very same." You try to conjure him in your mind from what you remember. You come up with a shadowed figure in a mask and a cruel grin; you only know that he was much older than the two of you. You pull your knee to your chest and block out the thoughts as Roth slowly mutates into a figure you know far, far too well, and hate far, far too much.

"I'm sorry," you mumble.

"Don't be — it was a lifetime ago."

"A year," you smile; it doesn't reach your eyes. "But those can feel like lifetimes, can't they?"

"Sure as the sun shits gold, are you right." He moves to sit beside you, his hands folded between his knees, back bent. "He — I loved him. At least I think I did, afterward. After he died. He'd call me  darling  and  my dear,  and he made me feel so — so damn good about myself — all the things I'd accomplished like I was special. But I think we both loved a man who was," he trails off, trying so hard to find the words. You finish for him, hauntingly familiar with the feeling.

"Different from who the real man was," you say. "You loved the image you had in your head." And afterward, Jacob fell in love with the nostalgia.

"Right." He pauses and then coughs, the tips of his ears red. "We never had sex. I mean, afterward, shit — yeah, there were men. But for Roth and me — he was just touchy-feely. I thought I didn't mind then, but looking back on it now…" You feel nausea coil in your stomach; it's like looking in a mirror.

You never would have known. Or maybe he's just not as broken as you.

But to hear that you're not alone — you can find some measure of comfort in that, even if you're horrified to see your doppelganger sitting by you. You ask Jacob if Evie knows — she doesn't. She never will, if he has anything to say about it; all she knows is that something changed when he killed Roth, maybe for better or maybe for worse.

You don't know what to do — so you hesitantly lean against him, hoping that you're a comforting weight. He lets you. You stare straight ahead to keep from crumpling like a paper crane.

"I'm glad you said yes," he says. "This isn't — it's not a life I ask you to join lightly."

"What do I have to lose?" You repeat yourself, finally feeling brave enough to glance up, watching Jacob light a match and catch fire to the end of a cigar — the same one he's been smoking for a week, you realize. He must be saving it. "Does your mother know you smoke those things?" Not that it'd make much of a stir — they're meant to be healthy for the lungs anyhow. It's just unfortunate about the smell.

"Didn't know her," he says, almost as a throwaway comment as he takes a deep drag of smoke. You jolt, the shock of it filling your bones. "What?"

"Nothing," you say, fiddling with the selvage of your bandages. "I simply realized that we have much more in common than I thought."

[kisskissbanggang]

The Sabotage of Simkung House - Part 2

[Stray Kids Multi Fic - 15Min Read/4K Words - Changbin x - Female Reader - Non-Idol!au, Variety!au - NSFW/Smut, Plot - Reverse Harems, Variety Shows, Unfolding Plot, Gym Sex, Daddy Kink, Secret Hook-Ups]

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How could a show like this get tedious so fast? By the end of the first week you had established a rhythm: clean, get a dumb text from Felix, flirt a little, and do a tiny amount of Chan’s laundry every night. The frequency was the biggest part of your routine that puzzled you. 

Until you realized -- maybe that was his angle. Maybe, perhaps, Chan was awful at flirting and this was his attempt at seeing you in “private.” You set about experimenting, coming up to his room early one night, right after you heard steps travel from his room to the bathroom. Being the oldest had its perks, such as no roommate to answer when you pretended to wait after knocking. You bashfully gasped as a hand tapped on your shoulder from behind, and you turned to see Chan wrapped up in a bathrobe, his soft, wavy hair still soaked after washing. 

“Noona,” he plainly greeted, “I apologize for making you wait. It was nice of you to come meet me up here instead.” He brushed past you into his room, returning with a measly pile of laundry that he set in your basket before shutting the door in your face. You smiled meagerly, shrugging in defeat to the camera at the end of the hall when you turned to retreat downstairs. 

You hit the bottom step and let out an actual gasp this time, surprised as you were that Changbin was currently helping Hyunjin with his squats in the home gym outside your room. Both boys watched as you nearly fumbled Chan’s laundry out of your hands, Changbin’s smirk catching your eye before he turned his attention back to correcting Hyunjin’s form. You separated and got started on Chan’s laundry before heading back to your room to think. Did you have it all wrong? Maybe Chan couldn't be won that easily. You would have to do some more reconnaissance.

The next morning, you awoke to your requisite text from Felix.

>How’s my shining star this morning? Try interacting more during the day. You rate the best out of the staff cast. 

You huffed out a sigh as you pulled on a simple pair of pants with your cute blouse, more suitable for housework when you weren't attempting to get any work done for your own show. The curtains needed to be steamed and the hardwood needed to be tended to on the main floor. You would have to wax each room when the boys weren't using them. Somehow, though, the house was already seemingly empty. You grabbed a duster and peeked into each room, trying to feel out where everyone may have run off to. Seungmin hadn't warned you of any big happenings coming up, so it would seem odd that no one was around. 

Until you opened the door to the backyard. Apparently, the boys had begun a morning exercise regimen, with Changbin leading everyone in push-ups. Chan seemed most adept beside him, with Minho doing well enough at the end, and Jisung and Hyunjin attempting to keep up behind them. 

“Noona,” Changbin greeted over his shoulder, “we’re about to start some yoga to cool down and then we’ll be heading inside.”

“That’s fine,” you reassured him, “I was just checking up on you. I thought you’d all run away,” you laughed. 

“Want to join in?”

“Yoga?” You asked, considering. “Sure. Save me a spot tomorrow morning. Now, nobody steps foot in the study today until I'm done waxing the floor,” you teasingly wagged a finger at the boys, waving goodbye as you walked back in the house. 

You really did plan to join them. Your scheme now involved getting so invested in their show that you spent even more time with all of them. Surely, you'd be able to figure Chan out that way, and get the others in the process. Seungmin popped up as you headed to the study. 

“Do you need any workout clothes for tomorrow, noona?” He whispered in the quiet of the hall. You shook your head, silently thanking him and waving goodbye. Weird. If he’d watched your nighttime footage, he'd have known that you'd worked out before bed every night after the first. Then again, what assistant has time to watch the dailies?

Nonetheless, the next morning you arrived just in time for yoga with the boys, covered up pretty well with tights under your shorts and a hoodie on over your t-shirt, with a mic from the crew clipped on since you were out in the backyard. You stretched out with everyone else, them doing it to cool down from their workout, and you to warm up after your night of sleep. You attempted to not notice the boys all glancing at you as you easily kept up with and occasionally outpaced Changbin, your casual relaxation more than making up for any poses you didn’t quite get. It was apparent to you by now that the safe approach for all of them was to pretend you were entirely oblivious and innocent. 

Except for Minho. 

Minho caught your eye during Downward Facing Dog, smiling cutely at you as you stretched. And, as you transitioned into Child’s Pose, you noticed both Changbin and Chan taking note of your acknowledgement, each with one eyebrow cocked. At least, that is, until you smiled back at Changbin, causing him to quickly divert his gaze, and now Chan’s raised eyebrow was directed at him instead. 

Now what did that mean?

You were curious to the point of distraction for the rest of your yoga session and you thanked the boys for including you before you headed back in the house to get started on chores. For the time being, you would bury your head in your work while you attempted to formulate your next step. The amazing thing was, though, that you couldn’t even do the thing you usually did when you wanted to be productive and think through things. 

Streaming wasn't just your main livelihood aside from the occasional AV, it was something you enjoyed enough to be doing instead of pursuing something related to your degree. You could take some time, get some thinking done and have some fun, and please some fans while you were at it. You’d been miserable working retail and clubs. This way, you were your own boss and running your own life on your own terms. You understood why you signed the contract knowing you couldn’t stream -- filming property that belonged to the studio and making money off it was pretty much stealing in a legal sense, and you didn't need to bring the law into complicating an already complicated lifestyle -- but you still missed it. 

You headed upstairs after your day of chores to catch Seungmin and return your mic, which you hadn’t thought about and had promptly stowed in your apron for the rest of the day. You looked around, hands on your hips and confused as you saw the crew had already cleared out. 

“Hmm,” you wondered out loud, “I wonder where Seungmin is.” You’d grown accustomed to this the past couple days, just asking for something out loud to yourself and Seungmin or Jeongin appearing and giving it to you. The house was wired enough that someone was bound to hear you. 

Or at least you thought. 

You waited a solid few more minutes until Seungmin popped his head in from downstairs. 

“Noona!” He laughed, just a little surprised. “I came back for my earbuds. Did you call for me?” He walked over, picking up a pack of wireless headphones off the corner of a table. He walked over and took the mic from you, wrapping it up and setting it back in its cradle for now. “This is the only room with no microphones or cameras, so if that mic's off you’ve been out of luck.”

“Oh!” You laughed, “that makes a ton of sense. Thank you.”

Seungmin waved you goodnight and you returned the same as he hopped down the stairs for the night before you eventually went down yourself. All this thinking for the day and you still couldn't see a clear path ahead of you. Maybe you just needed to clear your head. 

You had “cleared your head” plenty since arriving at the house, usually for your viewers in the middle of the night when you weren't getting any other work done. The first time, the only feedback you got was Felix telling you to partially cover up with a blanket to appear a little more modest. You ventured down to your room, sitting on your bed and flicking through Twitter. It felt odd seeing your friends and fans and not talking to them, but it was still nice to see what everyone was up to. Everyone looked so productive that it sort of made your heart hurt, like you were missing out. Even Duckie, one of your streaming friends you’d met when you first started, was on a sabbatical for work but was still uploading old content to keep things fresh, along with some new selfies. You clicked through to his profile, scrolling through and liking his new posts and really feeling like you were missing out now. Previously, you’d considered hitting him up to possibly ask him over to collaborate, actually meet him and see his face for once and fool around, but you always felt too small, too amateur since he got started a couple years before you. You jumped through all sorts of imaginary hoops to justify your belittlement in regards to this guy who you only knew by his username. Even tapping through selfies of him wearing the necklace you got him as a birthday present, you knew that was just a thing friends did, but not friends like you were curious to be. For God's sake, he was even still occasionally wearing the cute pair of expensive briefs you got him as a not-so-secret Santa gift a year ago, but he remained unapproachable in your mind.  Maybe once the show wrapped you could consider it again.

And, you suddenly realized, you’d used up almost half an hour aimlessly scrolling and browsing. You checked the time -- so much for clearing your head. You got up, ready to try to get some work done, and grabbed your laundry basket. You headed upstairs, hesitating just a moment before knocking on Chan’s door. Should you say something? You wouldn’t even be sure what to say by now, to try and figure out what his problem was with you. By now, you were thoroughly convinced that's what it was: a problem. 

Chan opened up, taking one look at you with a sigh before fetching his laundry. “You don't have to suck up to me, you know,” he muttered as he rummaged behind his half-closed door, “I don't have anything to offer you.”

Yup, you confirmed, he has a problem with me. 

“Then tell me to stop,” you simply replied. 

“Why would I do that?” He asked as he set his clothes into the basket in your hands. “Appearances are important. You're being paid to work here, and I'm being paid to work here while you work. Don't let me get in the way of that. Goodnight, noona.” And with that, Chan briskly shut the door in your face. 

You sighed as you stormed down the stairs. You had done nothing but be nice to this prick, and he thought you were getting something out of him?

You sort of are, stupid, you silently chided yourself. 

You quickly sorted Chan’s laundry in with the rest of the boys’ and stomped back into your room, pacing in your annoyance when you heard someone descend the stairs. Maybe, perhaps, this was a good opportunity to turn this energy into something productive. But who could be down here at this time of night? You got your answer as you heard some weights being pulled off the rack out in the gym. 

Of course, you realized, Changbin. 

Changbin had given you an equally quizzical look earlier during yoga, and now seemed like a perfect time to catch him while he was distracted. 

You emerged from your room in a more comfortable outfit than you'd worn that morning: just some leggings and a sports bra, your hair pulled up and out of your face again as you stepped onto the treadmill. The sound of weights being rested tipped you off, and you took off your headphones as you looked back. 

“Oh, Changbin,” you greeted, pretending to pause the music you hadn't been playing, “I didn’t know you were out here. I can--”

“No, noona, don’t be sorry,” Changbin replied as he looked you over, “there's plenty of room for both of us.” He gingerly laid back down on the bench before starting to lift again. You let yourself ogle the way his muscles tensed as he worked out. After all, you could get some information and get some work done if you played your cards right. Changbin looked down his nose at you, catching you watching him before you quickly turned back to the treadmill to program it. You did, however, catch his small smirk before you looked away. 

“Thanks for inviting me to yoga again,” you called over your shoulder.

“Of course -- noona --” he shared between lifts, “I’d love -- to have you -- back again.”

“Don’t you mean ‘we’d love to have you back again?’”

“No--” he breathed out a laugh as he took a second to catch his breath again, “I mean I would. Maybe Minho, with how he looks at you. And the others. Well, not Chan-hyung, but--”

“I know,” you cut in, just agitated enough for Changbin to catch. What he didn’t catch, however, was you still hadn’t programmed the treadmill by the time he started lifting again. You stepped off and strode over, hesitating for only a moment to let him sense you before swinging a leg over and gently lowering yourself onto his lap where he laid on the bench. Changbin gasped and nearly fumbled the bar before you helped him get a grip and rest it.

“Chan-hyung told me about you,” he warned, quietly but confidently. 

“He what?” You asked, astounded. The audacity of this prick. 

“I asked him what his deal was with you. He told me about bit players who try to weasel their way into bigger parts on variety shows.”

“Oh, god, and you believed him?” You asked bluntly. 

“Well, I mean--” Changbin grumbled, looking a little caught. 

You rolled your eyes. “I just happen to like you and the others and look where that gets me.” 

“You like me?” He asked, and it was almost innocent. Changbin's hands still held onto the bar where he'd racked his weights, almost like he was trying to keep from grabbing onto your hips that had just started to subtly grind against his. 

“Of course I do,” you cooed. For his sake, you weren't even lying -- you did like him and the others. “You're handsome and funny and nice and so fit,” you praised. Changbin actually moaned under his breath as your fingers traced the definition of his abdomen under his shirt, teasing the lines of his hips that would eventually lead you down between his legs. Considering your bruised ego from earlier that night, your head had inflated tenfold since then, watching as Changbin grew breathless at how you rolled your hips against his growing erection. 

“How about you?” You asked, finally setting a treat on the mousetrap. “Do you like me?”

“Yes, noona,” he eagerly supplied, watching as you slid off his lap and down onto your knees in front of the bench. He groaned as you freed his length from his thin shorts. You only licked the tip of his cock and he cursed under his breath. “You sure you’re a housekeeper?” He smirked, gritting his teeth as you continued teasing the tip of his length with your tongue. “You don't act like one.”

“Well, have you met any who wanted to do this before?” You asked before taking his length deep between your lips. You pulled off him with an audible ‘pop’ and jerked his cock. 

“No, but I'm enjoying it,” he gasped as you dipped him deep into your mouth again, now threatening to suck him into your throat. “Maybe too much. Come here,” he demanded, grabbing your hand and pulling you up onto his lap again. He kissed you hard, his tongue tangling with yours as he got up and spun you around to sit you on the edge of the bench. It was his turn to sink to his knees in front of you as he pushed your thighs up to your chest. He pulled your leggings to your knees and you bit into your knuckle as you felt his tongue taste you between your legs. Changbin hungrily licked at you for a minute, his fingers getting a good feel inside you before he got back up. The head of his cock nudged up against you. 

“Noona, do you--” 

“Call me ‘baby’,” you insisted. 

“Really? I was about to ask--”

“Call me ‘baby’, or ‘beautiful’, or ‘slut’ or literally anything else,” you demanded, and Changbin nodded. Admittedly, being everyone's noona was starting to grow a little thin, but now you were more intrigued by the flush on his cheeks. 

“If we’re in the mood to ask for things,” he carefully began, the head of his length still prodding against you, “can you call me ‘daddy’?”

“Really?” You smirked sweetly. His nod was almost sheepish. “Please fuck me, daddy,” you pouted, and with a sharply whispered curse, Changbin sank into you. You whimpered for effect, holding onto your legs where he had them pinned to your chest. 

“That's it, baby, you're so tight like this,” he groaned as he fucked you, his hands holding tight onto your knees. 

“Not so loud, daddy,” you quietly pleaded, “the others might hear--”

“Hear what, baby? How well you're taking it?” He grinned as his hips pumped hard against you. You moaned loud, biting into your knuckle as Changbin worked over your pussy. “Tell me how you want to cum, baby,” he implored, “I want to make it happen before I fill you up.”

You groaned from his filthy words, surprising you since Changbin had been mostly quiet up until now. “I want to ride your face, daddy,” you whined sweetly. 

Changbin smirked as he pulled out of you, tugging your leggings the rest of the way off and helping you off the bench. He laid down, his head right at the edge. “Come here, baby. I want to taste you again.” He gasped as you lowered yourself, but positioned so you could still tease and suck his hard length. “What’re you doing?” He asked, his breath tickling the sensitive skin of your warm pussy. 

“I want to taste you again, too,” you smiled, squeaking out a moan as his hands pulled your thighs down so he could lick you. Changbin ate you like he was starving, groaning and humming against you as he tried not to buck into your mouth. You moaned and sighed around the cock in your mouth, your legs trembling from propping yourself up over Changbin’s face as you rolled your hips against his tongue. Just his enthusiasm alone was pushing you closer to orgasm -- not a big one, but still jolting through to your fingertips and making you cry out and gag on his length when it happened. 

“Come on, baby,” Changbin prodded, “I’m not finished with you yet.” He helped you back up, slipping his shirt off to wipe up his chin as he bent you over on the bench. His fingers dipped back into your sensitive pussy, scissoring inside you and feeling you out before he slid his cock deep inside you again. From this angle, he stretched you even more than he had when you were on your back, and you whined from the extra stimulation. One hand roughly gripped your hip and the other grabbed at your breasts as he roughly fucked you. 

“How close did I get you, daddy?” You smirked back over your shoulder. 

“Too close, baby, but I'm going to fuck you as long as I can.” Changbin landed a playful smack on your ass as he pumped into you, groaning in tandem with your moans as he rolled his hips. He hadn’t lied; it was really only a few more minutes before his breathing was tagged and he sounded like he was right on the brink. You just needed to seal the deal. 

“Is daddy gonna cum?” You asked sweetly. 

“Yes baby,” he panted, “how do you want it?”

“How do you want to give it to me?”

Changbin thought for a moment, his hips still snapping against you as he decided. “I want to watch you swallow it down, baby.”

You happily cooperated as he swiftly pulled out, pulling you off the bench and turning you around before you landed on your knees in front of his dripping cock. Just to get him there, you dipped his length deep into your mouth, the head nudging into your throat as his moans grew more desperate. You sucked his cock deep for a few more strokes, gagging on it hungrily before Changbin came with a deep groan. He threw his head back but quickly got his eyes back on you just in time to watch you pull off and let the rest of his load spurt into your waiting mouth. You looked up into his eyes as you graciously swallowed everything. Changbin pulled you to your feet and muffled your surprised moan as he kissed you deeply, his tongue greedily tasting his cum on your own. 

“Thanks, noona,” he laughed breathlessly, still holding your hand.

“Thanks, daddy,” you winked, loving the red tinting his cheeks now that the haze of sex was starting to dissipate from his brain. 

“First time doing anything like that,” he smirked, “maybe we can do it again.” Changbin squeezed your hand and kissed your cheek before gathering his shirt up and heading upstairs. He didn't catch the puzzled look on your face as you searched for one of the cameras in the basement. You gave a sarcastic curtsey to the nearest one before retreating to your room. 

Like clockwork, a soft knock sounded at the door only a few minutes later. Jeongin had turned out the lights in the basement and was dutifully waiting for you with a bottle of water and his small messenger bag, which you had gathered over the past few days was actually full of next to anything you might need, including extra birth control methods and hygiene products. For all intents and purposes, he was a great assistant to have on set. 

“Jeongin,” you whispered in the silent darkness of the basement, “I'm confused about something.”

“What is it, noona?”

“So far both Minho and Changbin have said they've never done anything like this before. Any idea why they would broadcast that this is their first AV like that? No one likes boy amateurs like they do girls.”

“Didn't think about it,” Jeongin shrugged, “but Felix told me the cast is really committed to playing up their studious personalities, like they're won over by you in the midst of filming their other show.”

“So they’re doing a pure and tempted bit?” You asked. You weren't one to question the big boss, but it didn’t hurt to be sure. Jeongin shrugged again. 

“That’s a question for the PD’s, but I think that’s about right.”

“Can I meet with Felix about it? I just want to know I'm following the right direction.”

“Sorry, noona,” Jeongin shrugged again, “Felix said no meetings except for urgent matters. He wants to maintain the atmosphere in the house. Goodnight.”

And as quickly as he came, Jeongin was gone, having crept up the stairs back up to the attic to keep watch. You turned back to the warm light of your room, made a little cuter by now with some of the decorations you’d brought from your small apartment. Thoughts swirled around your head, wondering how to be as committed to maintaining a vibe for the show like the boys were. You set about folding and putting away your laundry, keeping busy as you thought. 

When you noticed two pairs of your panties were missing. 

[To be continued.]

[wewillwriteyou]

Crazy Little Thing Called Love || Chapter 8

A few elements from the main plot: A fine line falls between fiction and reality: what starts as a musical slowly becomes a game-changer. Tables will turn and it will get clear as the sun that the only unstoppable power in life … is love.

Summary Chapter 8: Alex’s shield has definitively fallen and all of her feelings towards Ben are exposed. She’s tired to pretend and, after a disastrous morning at the rehearsals, she decides to go and talk with him. But things are going to take an unexpected turn. 

Word count: 4.7k+

Warnings: SMUT! (protected sex and graphic descriptions) in the second half of the chapter - Please read it only if you’re 18+; a little bit of Angst and some language here and there 

A/N: Things get spicy in this chapter, folks 🌶 and everything gets even more complicated! Brace yourselves, and enjoy the ride on this rollercoaster of feelings🎢🙈

Sunday, 1 December 2019 

Once she was in his arms, nothing mattered anymore. Everything was blurred and distant. The only words she could hear were ‘You make me feel alive’, repeated again. And again.

“Cut! – Joe shouted, massaging his left temple – Sarah, how many times did I tell you? Your place is on the right, over there,” he added, getting up from his seat and walking closer to the stage.

“It’s not that simple! Elizabeth is my reference point, I lose my position when she’s missing” the girl talked back.

Joe sighed and his eyes caught the growing smirk on Lucy’s face, who was waiting for her moment to enter the scene.

“Do you find it funny? – he asked the blonde – that’s why you’re smiling, uh?”

Lucy shrugged and crossed her arms on the chest, stating:

“I just think that, if you’d cast me as the main princess, you wouldn’t have all these problems now. I’ve never missed a rehearsal, unlike a certain person”

“Unlike a certain person” Denise mocked her, not raising her head from the piece of paper she was reading. Alex who was sat down next to her laughed a little bit aloud and pushed her friendly with her shoulder.

“Shhh, they’ll hear you,” she whispered in her ear, keeping her eyes lowered as well while she was re-reading her lines.  

“I don’t care. I can’t stand that girl, for real. Look at her – she said, making Alex look up for a moment; Lucy was strutting around the stage, putting a little too much emphasis in her words – does she think we’re on Broadway or something? Jesus, calm your spirits girl”

Alex giggled again and scrolled her head, going back to study her part.

Denise raised her eyebrow in confusion when Lucy fell on her knees pretending to cry giving an exaggerated amount of pathos to the scripted action and sighed aloud turning her attention towards Alex.

“How’s Liz?” she asked, lowering her voice.

“Better. She needs some more time alone, I guess” Alex replied, not looking into the insistent gaze Denise was reserving her.

“’twas quite a blow for her. All the Gwil’s situation, I mean” Denise commented, diverting her attention to the stage again.

Alex nodded.

“Yes. It honestly kills me seeing her like that, I wish I could do something to help,” she added, while she was highlighting a few keywords on her paper.

Denise clicked her tongue against her front teeth and abandoned her shoulders against the back of the seat.

“If I know her well, and I do, she just needs to be alone for a few days as you said. The only thing you can do is hugging her tight; she’s that kind of girl who in moments like this needs more physical affection than encouraging words”

Alex nodded along, rotating her head to look at her. Denise met her eyes and they both shared a smile, then she gazed a point behind Alex’s back and grinned.

“Look who is coming” she mischievously said.

Alex turned around and saw Ben entering the auditorium. She looked at him as he walked down the stairs and waved back when he mouthed a silent ‘hello’.

Denise smirked noticing the shy smile that was curving Alex’s lips and coughed a little to recall her attention.

“So – she started, sliding an arm behind Alex’s back when she scrolled her head and went back to stare at the papers in her hands – how are things going with Mr. Handsome?” Denise cockily asked.

Alex rolled her eyes and inclined her head towards her friend.

"Spare me those expressive eyebrows, nothing is going on and there is no Mr. Handsome”

Denise chuckled and got back to sit properly, shrugging her shoulders.

“If you say so”

“Yes, I say so” Alex talked back, winked at her while she stood up and walked closer to Joe’s table.

She tapped on his shoulder and when he raised his head to look at her, she noticed how tired he seemed. She wondered whether he was so off lately because of the amount of work, he was putting into the musical, or because of the whole Liz-Gwil thing.

She scrolled her head to cast out her thoughts, deciding it was not the right moment to ask him those kinds of questions.

“Joe, since Ben has arrived, can we try on stage our part? I have a mid-term exam in a few days and I’d like to go to the library to study as soon as possible,” she asked instead, keeping her hand pressed on his shoulder as to say ‘I’m here if you need to talk’.

“Yes, sure – he replied smiling up at her – Ben, go on stage, please. It's yours and Alex’s turn,” he added, getting up from his chair.

Alex thanked Joe and ran towards the stage. When she raised her head, she saw Ben was already standing in the middle of the scene and was staring at her.

“Scene number 4, right?” she asked aloud, once she was next to Ben and they both started to flip the pages of their script.

“Nope – Joe jumped on his feet and reached the hem of the stage – I’d like you to try the last page of the second act,” he said, flipping his paper as well.

“But I’ve never even read those pages, Joe” Alex protested, gesticulating with her left hand while she put her right one on her hip. Ben giggled at her complaining attitude.

In the meanwhile, Denise had moved in the front row and was observing the whole scene with a smirk on her face.

“I know, but it’s one of the most important scenes” Joe replied.

Alex rolled her eyes and searched for the last part of the second act. Ben let out a surprised noise when his eyes traveled to the last line of the page and, at first, Alex did not understand.

When she reached the same line, she widened her eyes.

Oh hell no. She thought.

“A kiss? Between … us? - Alex’s voice flinched a little and everyone in the auditorium turned their head towards the stage – it’s not going to happen”

“Oh yes, it is going to happen. It’ll be just a peck on the lips, ‘m not expecting you to make out in front of the whole audience – Ben chuckled a little at those words and immediately received a deadly gaze from Alex – so, now c’mon!” Joe clapped his hands and walked back to his place behind the table.

Lucy, in the meantime, had frowned her eyebrows and had started to feel jealousy filling her stomach.

Alex closed her eyes for a second, trying to calm down, but when she met Ben’s stare she knew it would have been impossible.

“’re you ready?” he asked. And, as a response, Alex looked down to the pages and an amused sigh left her lips.

“What an ironic coincidence – she stated, pointing at the first lines of the last page and walking closer to Ben who leaned down to read them too – ‘and you know why you didn’t? Because for you, love has always been just a game’, does this remind you of something?”

“Maybe. I think some random girl had said to me the same words a while ago, before melting in front of me once I had shown her my piano’s skills” Ben talked back with a flirty, low tone.

“That random girl was your powerful wifey. The sorceress of this damned musical, so you better show her some respect” Alex replied, distancing herself ready to act.

Ben licked his lips and smirked, before starting to dress the part too.

The acted part went off without a hitch, but when the kiss’ moment came, a thin layer of tension fell between them.

“And now, kiss her” Joe encouraged Ben once he had pronounced his last line and was less than an inch away from Alex’s lips.

She was staring at him with her breath trapped in her throat, while her heart was drumming hard inside her chest.

Ben lowered his head and grazed her lips, deposing not even a proper kiss on her lips. Just a fast, almost imperceptible touch that left behind a feeling of emptiness. A feeling of ‘I want more’.

He then stared in her eyes, searching for the same temptation of going deeper, but Joe’s voice interrupted the moment.

“Nope – he said, scrolling his head – that’s not enough. I know I told you ‘just a peck’, but this was … meh,” he added, stressing the last word – or better said disappointed noise.

Alex breathed heavily and Ben could read annoyance written all over her face.

“Put some effort in it, mates” Joe then winked and took only a step back remaining close to the stage’s edge.

The two went back at staring at each other and Ben tried an encouraging smile to help Alex relax. She smiled back and slightly nodded, as to say ‘okay, ‘m ready’.

He inclined his head and kissed her. Again. This time longer, but always as chaste as possible.

When they parted, the whole world faded away and for a moment, they were alone on stage. Alone in the auditorium.

Alex’s eyes kept bouncing from his eyes to his lips and, this time, Ben saw that sparkle in her dilated pupils.

That sparkle that meant ‘I don’t want more. I need it’.

Instinctiveness worked faster and before he knew it, Ben was kissing her again. This time properly, as he thought Alex deserved to be kissed.

She breathed heavily and could not help, but abandon herself in his arms. Until a voice transported them both back to life.

“Cut! Cut! – Joe shouted – that’s a little bit too much” he explained, unable to hide the amusement in his voice.

Denise immediately covered her mouth with her hands, trying to suppress her giggles, but mostly to disguise her pleasantly shocked expression. Little did she knew that what was coming would have made her stare in awe even more.

“A little too much? – Lucy shrieked walking faster to reach the stage – Ben what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Alex took several steps back, but couldn’t unlock her eyes from his. Her brain was still trying to process what had just happened and, in a moment of complete bewilderment, she turned her head to look for Denise.

The girl scrolled her shoulders and opened her mouth, unable to help Alex with just one silent exchange of expressions.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Lucy yelled again and the eyes of everyone were on her again.

“I-I … Lucy, wait” Ben replied, literally jumping down the stage when his girlfriend started to head for the door.

“Lucy, please,” he said once he had reached her and touched her shoulder, but she slapped his whole arm away.

“Don’t start with your bullshits! You disrespected me in front of everyone and you also expect me to be fine with it!” her voice so loud that it echoed in the heavy silence that was haunting the auditorium.

“I was just acting, that meant nothing,” he said, placing his palms on her arms to calm her down.

Alex’s chest ached a little at those words.

“That was not acting! – Lucy spat out – you never kiss me like that. You used to, but now you don’t anymore. And you know it” she added, lowering her voice to not let the others hear her words.

She then turned on her heels and burst the door open. Ben remained froze for a second and briefly looked back to meet Alex’s eyes, who lowered her head to shield her emotions.

He ran outside and let the auditorium’s door close behind his back.  

Suddenly all heads snapped in Alex’s direction and if she could, she would have become tiny and disappeared under the wood of the stage floor.

“Okay, everyone! Guess we’re done for today! – Denise clapped her hands and stood up from her seat – am I wrong Joe?” she added, turning to look at Joe who was paralyzed still incredulous of what had just happened.

“Ehm, yes – he said, scratching her chin – yeah, yeah. We are done. Thank you, everyone”

Saying that Joe stretched his arm towards the stage to help Alex jump down. She sadly smiled and thanked him under her voice.

Denise ran to reach them and immediately put a hand behind Alex’s back.

“Hey, are you fine?”

“A little embarrassed, but yeah, we can say I'm fine,” Alex answered nervously giggling.

Joe patted her shoulder and tried a shy smile to reassure her. Alex returned the sympathy and followed by Denise she headed to the auditorium’s exit with a mixed combination of feelings gathered inside of her.  

***

The sunset was painting long, black lines on the ceiling and Ben’s green irises were mixing themselves with the orange walls surrounding him.  

He had his eyes fixed on the void and his mind was somewhere else, stuck in the memory of the kiss he had shared with Alex on stage.

Abruptly, a few insistent knocks on the door woke him up from his trance and, with furrowed eyebrows, he stretched his back and got up from his bed to go and see who she or he was.

The surprise in his widened eyes was more than evident, when, opening the door, he saw Alex standing there with crossed arms on her chest.

“We need to talk. Can I come in?” her voice trembled a little.

Ben nodded and moved to the side to let her enter, then checked the corridor outside to make sure no one had seen her come inside.

Alex thanked him under voice and stepped into his bedroom; her eyes started to roam around the room: a canoeing trophy there on a shelf, a pair of shoes forgotten on the carpet and a cute photo of Ben with Lucy on the desk.

“Are you okay? – Ben’s voice startled her and he noticed how nervous she was – I mean, has anything happened?” he added, taking a step closer to deposit a hand on her arm.

Alex nodded and, opening her mouth to answer, she rotated her head and noticed Rami’s bed was empty.

“Where is he?” she asked, indicating the unoccupied spot with a movement of her chin. Ben followed her gaze and shrugged.

“’s somewhere in the library with a few friends to study for an exam – and saying that, he walked towards his own bed and sat down on the mattress – why?” he chuckled, not quite understanding what Rami had to do with them now.

Alex caressed her arm, where, a few seconds before, Ben had placed his palm and shrugging her head, she reached Ben’s bed and sat down next to him.

“I needed to know if we’d be alone for a while,” she earnestly answered, but kept her eyes focused on the floor. Ben stared at her lowered profile and, even if half of her face was hidden, he could tell there was something wrong.

He moved a little closer and their knees touched, while their shoulders brushed against one another.

“Alex, look at me – Ben said, placing two of his fingers under her chin – what happened? What did I do to upset you this much? Because don’t try to lie: I know it’s my fault”

She inclined her head a little to shift away Ben’s digits from her face and inhaled sharply.

“I didn’t come here to argue or to accuse you. I came here because I need to know the truth – her voice came out cold and distant, but she finally turned her head and looked into  Ben’s eyes – I need to know if … all of this, between us, does exist only in my head. I need to know if you were being honest when you said that kiss meant nothing to you”

All her feelings. All her insecurities. Everything was exposed and, even if she tried to, Alex could not stop the tears that started to pool in her eyes.

Ben promptly pulled her to his chest and hugged her tightly, while Alex let herself go, and sobbed hiding her face in his t-shirt.

He then cupped one of her cheeks and dried some of her tears with his thumb. He lowered his head to kiss the tip of her nose, then her forehead, before placing his other palm on the other half of her face.

“That kiss meant the world to me, Alex” Ben finally admitted.

To his great surprise, Alex inched forward and kissed him. The tears had made her lips salty, while her hands were warm and smooth against Ben’s neck.

He hummed and slowly encircled her body to keep her as close as possible.

They felt the tension disappear and for once, they were alone. For real. No eyes watching them. No fears. Just them, their lips and their short breaths.

Gradually, a kiss after the other, Alex found herself straddling Ben's lap who had stretched his legs on the bed and kept his hands firmly on her lower back.

When Alex’s hips stirred a little too fast, Ben could not contain a low groan that echoed in his throat. They parted from each other and Ben found himself blushing until the tip of his ears.

“’m sorry, I tried to hold it back” he embarrassedly chuckled and loosened the grip of his hands, but before he could move them away Alex stopped him.

Ben held his breath while Alex slowly guided his palms until they were perfectly pressed on her waists.

“Don’t be sorry” she then whispered. She inclined her head and paused her lips a millimeter away from Ben’s.

Looking at him under the lashes, she rolled her hips again and admired Ben twisting his features in a desperate attempt to hide another moan.

“Don’t hold back,” Alex breathed out with trembling voice, as she felt his hands squeeze harder on the skin of her hips.

When his growing bulge met her jeans-clothed core, they both let out a hushed sigh and their foreheads leaned against one another.

“Alex … I don’t think I’ll be able to hold back any longer, to be honest," Ben admitted, gently caressing her thighs.

“Then don’t, Ben. I’m tired of pretending I don’t want this with you” she replied cupping his face and caressing his cheeks with her thumbs.

“Are you sure?” Ben could feel his heart galloping inside his chest. Alex grinned and adjusted herself on his lap to put her arms behind his neck.

“Put it like that: I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling again in my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you,” she said smirking

“Dirty Dancing? Really?” Ben chuckled, but his smile faded away when he saw that, in response, Alex had nodded and raised her arms in the air waiting for him to remove her t-shirt.

With a serious face, Ben slowly rolled the fabric above her head and threw it on the ground.

Alex flushed and shyly smiled, while she grabbed the edge of his tee and Ben did not hesitate to take it off.

Soon their lips found their way again and it did not take any longer for both of their pants to go and meet their t-shirts already abandoned on the floor.

With a series of clumsy movements followed by chuckles and giggles, Alex lied down on the mattress and Ben towered her as he started to kiss her neck.

“Fuck” she muttered when he nibbled at the skin of her shoulder. Ben’s lips curved into a mischievous smirk and he playfully took the bra strap between his teeth.

Alex observed the whole scene under her lashes and let him slowly remove the last apparel that was still covering the upper part of her body.

Ben took his time to admire her perky breasts now completely exposed to his eyes; he gently caressed the skin of her hips and Alex laughed a little.

“You can touch them if you want” she joked and Ben blushed like a thirteen-year-old.

“Screw you,” he answered wiggling his nose. He gently kissed the space between her boobs and then rolled his tongue around her left nipple.

Alex arched her back and squeezed the sheets into two fists, closing her eyes in pleasure.

Ben grinned and, while he moved his lips to her right breast, he started to play with the waistband of her panties. When Alex noticed, she let her hands slip on his back and began to lower his boxers as well.

“Someone’s eager” Ben flirted, facing her again.

“You know, I would like to finish this before Rami comes back,” she answered, replacing his fingers with hers and taking her underwear off, once and for all.

Ben opened his mouth while a shocked smirk was curving his lips.

“’re so fucking hot, you should be illegal!” he mumbled kissing her again and removing his boxers too, finally freeing his erection.

Alex’s chuckles mixed themselves with her moans when Ben's boner hit her inner thigh.  

“Condom?” Alex tried to form a complete sentence, but only one word left her mouth. Ben nodded and stretched his arm to reach the nightstand.

He opened the silver package with his teeth and Alex laughed a little bit, receiving a questioning gaze from him.

“Nothing, you’re such a cliché” she joked, but her eyes never left his hands as he rolled the condom on his length.

“What do you mean?” Ben asked out of breath, as he positioned himself between her legs.

“Opening the condom with your teeth, as in the best rom-com for horny teenagers,” Alex replied giggling and caressing his face. Ben rolled his eyes and, as he leaned down to kiss her, the tip of his cock brushed against Alex’s entrance, making both of them groan.

“Are you ready?” Ben stuttered, feeling his muscles burn because of all the tension.

“Yes,” Alex replied, putting her legs around his hips and pushing him down with her heels pressed on his butt. Ben moaned just above her ear, finally slowly thrusting into her.

A sigh of relief left both of their mouths as they remained still for a moment to get used to the new feeling of being this close to each other.

Ben kept sliding into her until he had filled her completely, receiving a high-pitched squeak in response, while her legs lost the grip and fell wide open on the mattress, giving him even more access.

“Shit, you’re so fucking tight baby,” he muttered, breathing on her neck. Alex clenched around his cock at those words, making Ben groan in pleasure.

“Please Ben, move” she tried to say between the moans, tapping on his shoulder after she felt a peak of pain growing in her lower area.

He pulled out, just to sink in a moment later starting to move his hips. Alex's lips opened wide, as she found herself almost shouting his name out in pleasure. Ben bit the skin of her shoulder when he heard her moaning his name like that.

“Alexandra, you’ll be the death of me” he splattered, kissing her hungrily and letting his tongue caress hers eagerly. She groaned in his mouth at the sound of his voice pronouncing her full name.

Her palms pressed on his butt and her hips left the mattress to meet his in a desperate attempt to have him even closer. Ben hissed and put his hands on her lower back to keep her pelvis glued against his groin.

Ben was moving faster and deeper after each thrust until the tip of his cock hit a spot inside Alex, who gasped arching her back and gave him the chance to attach his lips around her hard nipples.

“Ben” she moaned once more when her back met the bed again. The way she was saying his name would have been enough for him to come undone immediately.

“’m so close” Alex whispered and Ben slowed down.

He wanted her to last as long as possible to have the chance to admire her for some minutes more. She sighed, adapting to this new slow pace, that gave her the chance to enjoy every inch of his length now buried deep inside of her.

His lips soon found their place on her neck again, sucking on her soft spot under her left ear as her fingers massaged his scalp.

Ben’s body was pressed against hers, as he began to roll his hips faster again.

Alex was running out of breath and her hands were frenetically touching every inch of his muscular back.

When she felt Ben twitching inside of her, Alex arched her back and loudly moaned in pure bliss, reaching her climax.

Ben kept thrusting hard into her and, as she was letting the orgasm hit her whole body, he reached his high as well, groaning Alex’s name and repeating it as if it was the only thing he knew.    

He kept moving his hips with erratic movements until Alex squeezed hard on his shoulders as a signal that she was too oversensitive to bear his sloppy thrusts. Ben immediately stopped, collapsing on her body.

Alex caressed his sweaty hair and sighed in relief as if the weight of the whole world had finally left her shoulders.

Ben raised his head and smiled, meeting her lips for one last lazy kiss. Then, he removed the condom, rested his head between her breasts again, and let her lull him for a little while.

Even in a heavenly moment like that, Alex’s mind was working fast and hundreds of scenarios and thoughts were crowding her subconscious. All the confusion found its way into four simple words:

“It will be hard”

Ben furrowed his eyebrows and raised his head to look at her.

“What?”

“I was thinking – Alex started, wiggling a little to seat herself on the mattress; Ben caught the message and kneeled in front of her to let her rest her back against the headboard – it will be hard to talk with Lucy. Because we have to talk with her,” she said, covering her body with the white sheets.

Ben’s face turned pale and he nervously coughed, as he absentmindedly nodded getting up and putting on his boxers again. He then sat on the bed again and caressed his face with the palms of his hands.

Alex’s heartbeat increased and she started to feel as if the worst of the storms were gathering above their heads.

“Ben – she said quite loudly – you know we can’t hide this right? I don’t want to be the third wheel, nor a one-periodical-night stand”

No answer.

Alex widened her eyes and, as fast as light, she sneaked out the sheets and started to get dressed again.

“Where are you going?” Ben finally spoke, getting up from the bed. As a response, Alex took his t-shirt and threw it on his face.

“Away from you. Far fucking away from you,” she coldly shouted.

“Why are you angry, now?”

“Because that fucking silence is already an answer: you’re not gonna tell her, right? You’re not gonna break up with her. Am I wrong?” she yelled just an inch away from his face with her index finger pointed against his chest.

Ben muttered a few garbled sounds and that hurt Alex harder than a slap in the face would have.

“You are disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself! I should be ashamed of myself because I let you had what you wanted! God, what a dumbass I am!” Alex cried out, nervously caressing her forehead.

“Alex, listen-“Ben started, but she pushed him away and headed towards the door.

“Don’t talk to me ever again! I don’t want to see your face anymore!” she sobbed and, in one last desperate attempt to stop her, Ben grabbed her wrist with his fingers. Slapping his hand away, Alex hit the photo of him and Lucy that fell on the ground.

Everything happened too fast: pieces of glass spread on the floor and the door of the room swung open. Rami appeared on the doorway.

“Hey Alex – he greeted her with a smile, then noticed the tears on her face, the photo at her feet and a half-naked Ben behind her back – what happened?” he asked, concerned.

“Your friend is a fucking asshole, that’s what happened – Alex responded – excuse me, Rami,” she then added, getting out of the room at a brisk pace.

Hot tears were blurring her eyes and the damned weight came back heavier on her shoulders. She felt like disappearing.

And, for a moment, she wished she could have vanished for real.

-

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A/N: You can clearly tell we love angst and drama lol. We hope, as usual, that you enjoyed this chapter; don’t hesitate to comment and tell us your opinion about the story! And, as always, if you like what you read reblog, put a lil heart and leave a comment! 

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[pass-the-bechdel]

Brooklyn Nine-Nine s05e10 ‘Game Night’

Does it pass the Bechdel Test?

Yes, eight times.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Four (33.33% of cast).

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Eight.

Positive Content Rating:

Four.

General Episode Quality:

I’m not gonna lie: I think they coulda done this much better. But, I am glad they did it at all.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) UNDER THE CUT:

Passing the Bechdel:

Amy asks Rosa how long she’s known that she’s bi. Rosa and her mother pass. Gina is an asshat to Amy. Amy asks Gina about her new business. Rosa and her mother pass at game night. Amy talks to Gina at her house. Rosa and her mother pass again at game night. Gina and Rosa pass.

Female characters:

Rosa Diaz.

Amy Santiago.

Gina Linetti.

Mrs Diaz.

Male characters:

Raymond Holt.

Hitchcock.

Jake Peralta.

Terry Jeffords.

Charles Boyle.

Scully.

Mr Diaz.

Devon.

OTHER NOTES:

Hisssssssssssss so Rosa opens the episode by telling the squad that she’s bi, and she says she’s telling everyone now because she’s pretty sure Charles isn’t gonna be able to keep the secret much longer, and I HATE this, I hate that her coming out is wrapped up in the fact that Charles can’t keep his face out of other people’s business and then struggles to keep his mouth shut about what he finds. Rosa telling everyone before Charles can isn’t really about her coming out on her own terms, it’s damage control, and while that can happen for people in real life it should NOT be packaged like it’s cool fine ok normal. Other people should not out you, nor should they put you in the position of feeling that you have no choice but to out yourself in order to control the situation. Charles Boyle’s entire personality and behaviour has been a huge blind-spot of bullshit on this show from day one (and specifically in relation to Rosa), and I despise him. More to the point, I am super mad at the creative team for consistently failing to appropriately call him on his bullshit and then, y’know, fix it.

Oh, and then we have some jokes about how much fun the sex crimes unit used to be. They are not off to a good start here.

Ok, Jake ‘straight-splaining’ how Rosa could come out to her parents is quite nice and genuine. We appear set to have that Very Special episode for Rosa’s bisexuality that I was so glad we DIDN’T have last episode, and I really really hope they do it well despite the dodgy start. I mean, when they went Very Special with ‘Moo Moo’ last season, it was incredible, but that was some tight, honest writing that I don’t feel we’re getting so far here (obviously), plus it was delivered under very different circumstances. That said, a good character speech or two can do wonders to the successful landing of a plot line. Let’s just see.

Oh look, it’s Gina. Being nasty to Amy for no reason. I’m not glad to have her back. At all. The negativity in this episode is a fucking downer and I’m in a bad mood. ETA: I wrote this note dot point BEFORE seeing how Rosa’s coming out to her parents went, so I feel like I gotta clarify that the negativity that got me down was not actually the biphobia - biphobia SHOULD get you down, but being in a bad mood already with what is supposed to be comedic in the rest of the episode is not a good mix with that. 

Rosa’s parents take her coming out very badly, but also in a realistic way; there are strains to this that movies/tv often miss by making the coming out story a simple matter of either complete acceptance or complete rejection, where the reality can often be a combination of the two. Rosa’s parents don’t disown her, but there’s still nothing accepting about their reactions, even at game night when they think they’ve ‘sorted it all out’ in their own minds. Rosa’s dad coming around to her workplace to tell her that he’s committed to working out how to be a good supportive parent on this is still believable and good, but the fact that Rosa’s mother ‘needs some more time’ is what really drives it home. Parents are not a singular entity, they’re separate people who handle things in separate ways, and this kind of scenario in which you’re confronted head-on by the fact that one of them is more willing to understand and love you than the other can be harrowing - it would almost seem better for them to be united in their bigotry, because at least then you could believe it was because they’re in the same echo chamber; if they’re not in agreement, that means that the reasoning voice of the one failed to break through to the other, and if they won’t listen to their own spouse, who will they hear? Personally, I feel like the delivery on some of the content with this story was a bit ham-fisted, but this detail has such a precise touch of realism about it.

Ok, Holt only said like, two lines to Rosa right there at the end, but they got me where I live. Everyone came around for game night, and as predictable as that is as a closer, that doesn’t stop it from being the kind of good heartfelt “Nine-Nine!” that I’m here for.

Look: it was no ‘Moo-Moo’. I don’t mean to make it seem like all I’m doing is comparing the two episodes and pitting them against each other, but - as noted - ‘Moo-Moo’ is the only other time this show has taken on the Very Special format and gotten fully-serious with a subject that is very real-world heavy and important, and I feel like this episode suffered from a lack of total commitment to that model. The B-plot about Gina was ill-matched, and it took up more time and attention than it was worth, which consequently left Rosa’s scenes pared down and simplified in order to deliver within their time constraints. As a whole, I found the episode poorly balanced and loose, and it’s a Hell of a shame because Stephanie Beatriz turned in a fantastic performance (I know she’s bisexual in real life and so this was very meaningful for her personally, and I feel like that shone through in her work in the best of ways). Andy Samberg also did a sweet, understated job as Rosa’s primary supporter throughout the episode, actually; the players involved did do their best with the material, and they deserve that credit. I just wish the material itself were more settled and focused, and had been given the time to do more than present some of the classic biphobic prejudices and their rebuttals. For all the people out there for whom this was important, I’m glad they got it, and it is doing invaluable work in that sense. But there were missteps and oversights here that could have been avoided with very little effort, and we deserved that extra attention, too.

[recentanimenews]

THE GREAT CRUNCHYROLL NARUTO REWATCH Begins with Episodes 1-7!

*guitar*

*shadows*

COME ON!

Welcome to The Great Crunchyroll Naruto Rewatch! I'm Nate, and I'll be your host this week as we make our way through all 220 episodes of the original Naruto. Last week, I told you how all this worked, but everybody who's new I'll go over things one more time.

  Each week, we'll be watching SEVEN EPISODES of the original Naruto, and sharing our thoughts on them interview-style every Friday at 5pm PST.

  This week, we're starting things off with episodes 1-7, featuring an introduction to everyone's favorite super-loud orange ninja, the rest of our main cast, and this world of ninja that they inhabit. Things move pretty quickly--it's not long before Naruto's assigned to Team 7, they have their first real test against their teacher and commander Kakashi, and they face their first life-or-death fights against the Demon Brothers and Zabuza!

  But, before we discuss these episodes, let's take a look at the comments and questions that you had from our last installment!

  The number one question we got last week was a simple one: ARE WE GOING TO SKIP THE FILLER?

  No. We are not skipping the filler.

  You may skip the filler, but be sure to tune in to see our reactions to it... there's gonna be a lot down the road.

  Now, let's see what the Crunchyroll Features team thought of this week's episodes!

Alright, this is where it all starts--I know a bunch of you are new to Naruto. How did actually watching it compare to your expectations?

Paul: Judging from my previous experiences with the fans, I was expecting Naruto (both the show and the titular character) to be a little more meat-headed and hyper-masculine. Instead, the show sets a laser focus on evoking sympathy with a protagonist who wants to be the best in the world simply so people will recognize him. I didn't anticipate such feelings of internalized inadequacy from the shouty, fighty shonen hero.

Peter: I’m rewatching and also decided to read the manga alongside. So far I’m really impressed by how strong Kishimoto’s aesthetic was from the outset. The environments and character designs are all unmistakeable and his action is like this perfect combination of piece-by-piece panels and splashes. I like the anime’s additions, especially some extra Naruto/Konohamaru scenes which drive home the difference in how they’re treated and an early Ino intro that sets up her rivalry with Sakura.

Kevin: I was one of the people watching the original Cartoon Network run of the show’s dub back somewhere around 2003 or 2004. Going back and rewatching, I forgot how much the early parts of the show focus on Naruto’s emotional struggle, first of not being accepted by anyone and just trying to get attention, then how he feels about his various failings as a ninja. As a result, the stakes aren’t as high, but it feels like a much more personal story.

Jared: I completely missed out on Naruto after dropping off anime around 2003, but going in I was more expecting it to follow a similar structure to other shonen shows I’ve seen. From the start, the opening episode completely shattered any expectations I had with how tight the entire episode was woven together with regards to its narrative, characterizations, and how much info it packed into 24 minutes. Outside of that, I think I’d missed out on knowing that Naruto can act like a brat early on in the series.

Joseph: I’m in an interesting position, because I watched maybe 40 episodes of this a decade ago and I’ve read around 50 volumes of the manga. I will say I was surprised at how nostalgic it felt to watch this compared to, say, Shippuden, which has a much different vibe. It’s also impressive how much groundwork is laid for the entire series via Kishimoto’s designs and world and the way the anime adapted it.

Carolyn: I was very surprised at how quickly they dove into Naruto’s backstory. I have seen the show many years ago and didn’t seem to remember that such a “big reveal” occurred so quickly. I… honestly find the story quite boring and hard to keep my attention focused on, I guess I’m just not super invested in the characters. However, I can absolutely see seeds of how this show has affected and inspired many that came after it. I hadn’t really noticed that when watching other anime, but going back and rewatching Naruto makes that pretty clear. Also, I am cracking up at the totally rad ‘80s Breakfast Club-esque opening sequence. I didn’t remember that music at all.

Noelle: Naruto was one of my first encounters with manga when I first really started getting into it, but it’s been a long time since I touched it. I read the whole thing, but I never reread it, so a lot of instances I completely forgot about. For example, I forgot how kind of gruesome it was at the start, focusing on serious injuries instead of just fantasy violence. At the same time, I’m impressed how strong the characters are established, along with themes such as kindness and proving yourself that will resonate throughout the entire series.

Kara: I was five years out of college when Naruto started, and I remember in the circles I ran in it was Not The Done Thing to be into it. I can’t remember if it was because it was considered a “casual’s anime” or if it was based on run-ins with cosplayers at conventions. Likely a little of both. Watching it has been a lot more chill than I expected, and while I see a lot of the tropes I figured I’d see, it looks like it’s leading somewhere interesting.

David: I basically grew up with Naruto, but I fell off of it in high school so it’s been more than a decade since the last time I actually watched an episode or read a chapter. Comparing it to my expectations, it’s much more focused than I recall--the first episode could stand alone as a very emotionally effective short story, for example. Kakashi is still the only side character who seems to have a lot of thought put into their long-term character arc, though.

Daniel: I like it, though Naruto has always kind of been a blind spot for me. I’ve seen a decent chunk of it, but it’s always kind of been background noise, something to have on so that when people ask me “Do you only watch One Piece?”, I can say “NUH UH. I ALSO WATCH THIS ONE ABOUT ANOTHER LOUD BOY.” That said, actually paying attention to it, it’s pretty fun. I dig Kishimoto’s world building, and the environment that he’s set up. I’m really interested in finally figuring out why so many people adopted this show as their gospel.

Danni W: I actually did watch the first dozen or so episodes of Naruto around six or seven years ago, so this was more of a refresher than anything. It never quite clicked with me the first time, so I was surprised to find I enjoyed it more this time around. I think it helped that the show gets real pretty immediately. We’re only seven episodes in and Naruto has already had to face real combat three separate times. The characters aren’t enough to hook me yet, so the early doses of action have made for a good on ramp for me.

I've always enjoyed how Naruto hangs on to its emotional core, and we see that very strongly in the first few episodes. What did you all think of this part of the story?

Paul: I'm not fully invested yet in the emotional stakes of the series, mostly because I don't really know the scope and scale of the world that Naruto inhabits. Why are these children being trained to be spies and assassins from such a young age? What dangers does the outside world present such that it prompts entire villages to weaponize their kids?

Peter: I feel like I never gave Iruka enough credit in retrospect, maybe because his act was the first in what later emerged as the series core. Without him, Naruto probably would have been another Gaara. I also never realized that Naruto is wearing Iruka’s headband the entire damn story. After Naruto’s hand stab I’m trying to remember if grand masculine gestures are regularly mocked as an inverse toward the important compassionate gestures, so I’m planning to track that moving forward.

Kevin: While I like seeing the cool techniques and fights from later in the show, going back to the beginning and seeing much more of a focus on each character’s internal conflicts is an interesting change, giving each of their actions a bit more personal weight. It’s not inherently better or worse, just a different focus on the same story.

Jared: It really seemed like a great way to start the series and let people know from the onset that this is a story that deals heavily with empathy. I figured eventually the series would go that route, but to do it immediately sets a tone that allows for these characters like Naruto to instantly have layers that otherwise might take a long time to see. With the show really bouncing between emotional moments and comedy pretty frequently, I’m curious whether it’ll continue that or try and lean more in one direction or the other.

Joseph: Naruto is the most three-dimensional character in these first episodes, mostly because we haven’t had much time to delve into the stories that drive Sakura and Sasuke. I think they do a great job of making Naruto sympathetic, which makes up for his brattiness. One other thing I appreciate is that they make it clear from the outset that being a ninja isn’t just cartoonishly huge shuriken fun and games. People die on the regular here, and Naruto and the rest of his upstart era would do well do remember that before taking the next steps.

Carolyn: Just let Naruto live! Everyone is so mean to the poor kid. Again, I was surprised at how quickly they jump into this and I have a feeling it is what kept me watching the first time around. They do a good job of making you feel empathy for Naruto even when he is being totally obnoxious.

Noelle: While I remember pretty vividly the general plot, I don’t remember a lot of the small moments that make up a scene. Naruto is set up really well, and I to this day really enjoy that he’s not just cast as a quirky problem child with no future, but someone who genuinely wants to be acknowledged, and acting out is the easiest way to get attention. Knowing how things end up, seeing everyone at the start and how they are introduced is a good refresher and sets up a lot later on. At its heart, this really is a story about teamwork, empathy, and growing up.

Kara: It’s been all right—some cute and funny bits, and I like what action scenes we’ve had. From a writing standpoint, it feels like (except for Naruto himself) everyone’s categorized largely by wanting to be the Hokage, wanting to kill someone, or having a crush on someone. But I can also see that we’re quickly moving forward from that. Being on the News team means educating myself fast about unfamiliar shows, and the wildest thing to me has been seeing Hinata in the background crushing on Naruto when I just recently posted an article about her wedding figure.

David: Iruka and Naruto’s relationship has to be my favorite single part from this section. Iruka is given every reason to not like or just give up on this kid, yet he sticks up for him the whole time (while also never letting him slack--no free pass on the exams for Naruto!). Kakashi is setting up to be a good role model, too, but I’ll definitely miss how intimate Iruka’s care for Naruto is.

Daniel: You can really sympathize with Naruto because he’s the “chosen one” character without being a prodigy. He isn’t impressive right out of the gate, but he has the potential to be impressive. I think you can relate to him easier than, say, Goku, who is ready to dropkick most of the world the first time you meet him. That feeling of being meant for bigger things, but still struggling to even get on the path to those bigger things is pretty powerful.

Danni: I think it’s showing some promise. I really appreciate the lengths it goes to explain why Naruto is a troublemaker in the first place. He can be pretty annoying, but the reasons for that are mostly justified. In the end, he’s a victim. I like that Sasuke can already see that and identify with him in that respect. They both have a lot of trauma to work though in the next *checks notes* few hundred episodes.

I know we're really early in, but have there been any standout moments or characters so far?

Paul: I know everybody else is probably going to go with Kakashi as the standout character, but also cool as Kakashi may be, my heart goes out to Akimichi Choji, the chubby ninja who is stuffing his face with potato chips in Episode 3. I also like the design of the oversized shurikens and other exaggerated weapons, and I dig the visual aesthetic of the Village Hidden in the Leaves.

Peter: This question is kind of hard to answer since I’m retracing old ground but I definitely did not recall Sakura being such a little shithead. Completely forgot her putting her foot in her mouth with Sasuke saying Naruto’s a troublemaker because he’s an orphan. Funnily enough, I think her hating Naruto for who he is rather than what he represents is a really important connection between the two.

Kevin: Naruto freezing up in his first real fight and then stabbing himself, swearing that he’ll never be a burden again was a scene that I feel is an exemplar of how the early story focuses more on Naruto’s emotional journey, rather than just trying to fight increasingly strong bad guys, but still has the kind of payoffs that the audience can rally behind.

Jared: Iruka is a good dude who really wants what’s best for Naruto, even if it means taking an oversized shuriken to the back. Naruto stabbing himself in episode 6 was an immediate “YO” moment from me. The entire atmosphere of the fight in the back half of episode 7 was incredibly good. I really hope that Konohamaru continues to show up with either worse and worse stealth or continuously better ways to try and fight Naruto.

Carolyn: Glad to see Shikamaru show up so early. Love him. As I mentioned before, I’m not sure I’m fully invested in these characters. I am quite disappointed in Sakura. I remember loving her when I was younger and she is not the strong female character I remembered. She’s kind of desperately boy-crazy. Which is fine! But it feels like it comes on strong and the first several episodes don’t give her many traits beyond that. She must grow throughout the series, or my memories were warped? Kakashi Sensei feels sooooo much like a Shoto Aizawa (My Hero Academia’s Eraserhead) prototype. The mystery, the aloof manner, but secretly a big softie that just wants his student to do well. Similarly, Naruto has a lot of traits that seem to overlap with Bakugo and Soul Eater’s Black Star. More evidence of the show’s reach.  Sexy Jutsu has not aged well. Also, the ending theme song is beautiful.

Noelle: Kakashi’s great, and knowing that he’s pretty close to my age puts a lot of things into context now that I’m an adult. Kakashi’s got a lot on his plate with these three problem children under his wing, but he’s still a pretty laid back guy personality-wise. Someone who stood out to me more in my rewatch was Iruka. Iruka’s presence means so much to Naruto, being the father figure he never really had. If Iruka wasn’t kind to Naruto, and he really was the only person to treat Naruto like a kid and not just a monster container, this would’ve been a very different series. Naruto truly did need someone to be there for him, and seeing their relationship really does make my heart warm. Iruka’s a good guy!

Kara: I actually cannot believe how much I associate with Naruto, and 12-years-ago me would faint at hearing that. The absolute need to prove himself, the feeling that he’s sliding backwards the harder he works, all that is something I (and others, I’m sure) can relate to. Obviously he goes a little harder than most people would in his situation—seriously, if you’re wearing Safety Orange constantly, you’ve gotta think really highly of yourself as a ninja—but it’s really something to see how much of his attitude is couched in fear of failure.

Joseph: Kakashi’s kancho, obviously.

David: Konohamaru only gets his one episode here, but I actually thought his bit was the most emotionally effective. He largely has the same issues as Naruto but in reverse. Konohamaru isn’t necessarily "royalty" but treated as such, infantilizing him from his perspective. Even his name is a point of contention for him, putting a burden on his very existence that others can’t relate to. To these ends, he looks up to Naruto for being a free spirit, but as the viewers we understand that they are more similar than they know. Naruto is the main character--we see his troubles garnering respect and even love from his peers and mentors in these episodes--but Konohamaru grounds that conflict by mirroring it.

Daniel: In my high school band class in Freshman year, a kid asked the teacher to be referred to as “Sasuke.” He also had a ninja headband that he’d wear around some time, and while I thought it was goofy then, I think it’s ABSOLUTELY DOPE now. So, while I still figure out the characters, I’m gonna nominate broody ol’ Sasuke in honor of that kid.

Danni: Kakashi covers like 75% of his face with ninja gear and to show how badass he is fought one-handed while reading a book called Makeout Paradise. I want to be that cool someday.

The action escalated pretty quickly--we started with Team 7 having to take the bells from Kakashi for the first full-on action scene (even if it wasn't "for keeps"), and then we have to worry about Hidden Mist assassins and our first real villain, Zabuza. Any thoughts on the action?

Paul: I like all of the action that I've seen so far, but the resolution to Kakashi's test wasn't dramatically satisfying for me. The payoff didn't match the build-up. I wanted to see Team 7 put up more of a show of resistance than simply refusing to obey Kakashi's instructions not to feed Naruto. The scene plays more like everyone being recalcitrant teenagers and less like anyone taking a principled stand.

Peter: I can’t believe the action is so sick even this early on. I always thought of Sasuke’s style as the most orthodox and the intricacy of some of his combos and the shots are so damn satisfying to look. Kishimoto made it super easy for the animators to make some stylish shots and they ran with it. The series is already building its vocabulary with a Sasuke attack that obviously builds into the Lion Combo and some underground shenanigans.

Kevin: I feel like this is the show’s action at its weakest. None of the Genin know how to fight yet, so once the actually dangerous fighting begins, they’re relegated to standing around watching Kakashi and Zabuza fight, and even that hasn’t gotten to the more impressive techniques. It’s not bad since at least there is still a fight between two experienced combatants to watch, it’s just weaker than what the show delivers on later when the protagonist and major characters are experienced enough to contribute.

Jared: I was surprised how subdued the action had felt before Team 7 took on Kakashi with there being pretty minimal fight scenes until that point. Kakashi messing around with Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura gave a good baseline of the complete difference in skill between all of them, but it wasn’t until Zabuza and his ridiculous cow print sleeves showed up that we truly get a sense of how much of a gap there is between Kakashi and Team 7. The beginnings of that fight truly gave the feeling of their being stakes involved which had been missing elsewhere.

Carolyn: Again, surprised at how quickly the show turns on a dime. They can go from goofy to serious in a heartbeat and it is very reminiscent of how things often progress on My Hero Academia. But I still find it hard to really get into the peril. I’m not sure why, exactly, I’m not very invested in the characters, but it’s early. I’m sure that will change.

Noelle: Since this series came out where it did, Jump was still very much comfortable with keeping pacing slow. As a result, the fights are a lot slower than what I’m used to, even if that was the norm back then. At the same time, the action itself isn’t bad--it’s pretty clever, and introduces the rules of the world in a way that anyone can pick up with ease.

Kara: I have a feeling a lot of my appreciation for the fighting will come as I start learning the different abilities in play. There have definitely been some cool moves, but I think we’re still in that exposition phase where we’re learning the types of things ninjas can do (and what our main cast’s strong and weak points are). A couple weeks from now when I’ve seen more of how this universe operates, I’ll probably be all in.

David: Sure, the action isn’t flashy, but the Kakashi training fight was much better than I remember it being for two reasons. One, it’s just funny. Kakashi doesn’t do anything truly harsh to the kids (well, aside from starve them, but that’s part of the plan), and what little physical combat he does with them is either light or just plain comedic. Two, it serves as a small show-don’t-tell of the show’s combat mechanics. For example, he calls out at the beginning that he’s going to use taijutsu, leading to his infamous kancho when he could have done a million other things; Sakura even believes he is using a more fancy technique before it happens. From there more involved strategies are used and by the end we have a basic primer of Naruto combat simultaneously serving as a team-building exercise for our heroes. Very efficient storytelling.

Joseph: The action is really clear and well-handled in these early episodes. I’m not sure how it gets later on, but I know in the manga I found some of Kishimoto’s action layouts much harder to follow than they should be. His designs and the intention behind his action translate nicely to animation, thankfully. Naruto is also really good at suddenly showing just how powerful a character really is within action, which is a total must-have shonen staple.

Danni: It’s not very flashy so far, but it is pretty tense. The high-level combat so far seems to entirely be a contest of clones and substitutions. The substitution jutsu seems way too broken. That being said, it’s a pretty cool technique. I hope we get to start seeing some good hand-to-hand soon.

For this batch of episodes, what were the highest and lowest points, respectively?

Paul: High point: Naruto getting caught in Kakashi's rope trap, grumbling about not getting tricked again while he frees himself, and then immediately getting caught in another rope trap. I love those kind of gags. Low point: ninja diarrhea.

Peter: In both cases probably the information reveals. Purely narratively speaking, a lot of the info that comes at the characters feels like common knowledge in retrospect. Kakashi is famous for having the Sharingan, how the village and mission systems work, and Sakura not knowing about her crush’s family being murdered seem like they should things the kids know. On the other hand, I’m super impressed with how much of a foundation Sasuke and Kakashi’s backstory have so early on and foreshadowing for both.

Kevin: The lowest point for me was the repeated use of the “Sexy Jutsu.” Once made sense to show Naruto as a troublemaker who could invent new techniques if he tried, and the Harem Jutsu showed that he can be creative and combine techniques for new tactics, but the other 2-3 times just feel like a joke being overplayed. The best moment was the fight against the Hidden Mist Chunin, since each of the kids’ personalities show through clearly. Sakura is terrified but keeps to her main duty, Sasuke starts retaliating to get rid of the threat, and Naruto freezes in place and needs to be saved, leading to an excellent emotional payoff when the fight is over.

Jared: The high points for me were Kakashi vs. Zabuza, Naruto’s hand stab, and Sakura and Ino’s incredibly ridiculous power walk competition in episode 3. Sexy Jutsu really beats you over the head with how many times they use that gag and Naruto’s stomach issues from episode 3 were just strange, so those would be my low points.

Carolyn: The music is a definite high! The emotional moments and humanizing of Naruto is nice to see. Using ninja skills to save a lost cat is completely adorable and feels like something All Might would do. Did the My Hero peeps grow up on Naruto? It feels like it. I also like how positive Naruto is in the face of adversity. He can make any situation a positive one. Laughing at the clunky exposition, “It’s going to take someone who is highly skilled.” Low point, again, definitely Sexy Jutsu (and teaching Sexy Jutsu to a little kid, WTF, these were different times) and Sakura’s desperate crush.

Noelle: Sexy Jutsu got old really fast. It was interesting to see Naruto expand it, as that showed he was learning, but aside from that, it’s an overdone gag. Glad they cut down on it. For good points, the Zabuza fight for sure, and each one of the kids standing up for themselves in the face of danger. And of course, Naruto stabbing himself in the hand to show his resolve!  

Kara: Low point was absolutely the diarrhea episode—add to that the weird middle school comedy of errors surrounding it. I only had so much tolerance for Sakura’s crush and Naruto’s willingness to either mess with or take advantage of it. High point for me was Konohamaru’s desire to be called by his name and not his function or association. It was such a goofy little episode, but something really resonated for me about being willing to go to ridiculous lengths just to be recognized for who he is.

David: The bizarre ‘love triangle’ dynamic as a whole is the low point--this is notably represented well in the “diarrhea episode,” but comes across everywhere else too in how obviously undercooked Sasuke and Sakura’s characters are at this point. On the other hand, the high point is how obviously fully developed Kakashi is despite us knowing so little about him at this point. Unlike the rest of the side characters, there is clearly a lot going on in both what we see him doing here and what is implied to be happening in his background, and that’s as exciting a hook as it was when I was in middle school.

Joseph: The gags are hit or miss, but mostly decent. For me, the low point is any time an information dump rears its head. Zabuza standing on top of his sword for an eternity while he and Kakashi trade off exposition about the Sharingan is sloppy. I dig most everything else, and the high point is how the story handles this early-stage version of Naruto. He is just straight up a bad ninja, and it shows. He’s loud, brash, and obnoxious in an all orange jumpsuit. He’s the anti-ninja. Best of all, he’s terrified, and he totally should be.

Daniel: I really like the show’s tone, usually. But the high point and low point were within five seconds of one another. In the first episode, it’s so rad when Naruto finally reveals his Shadow Clone Jutsu against Mizuki. And then they all beat up Mizuki, and you get these “BONK BOOP SCHWWWWOOOP” sound effects, which takes all of the power of the scene and kicks it out the door.

Danni: For me, the highest point of this batch was in the first episode when Naruto overhears Iruka defending him against Mizuki. That’s a potentially life-changing moment for Naruto, finally learning why so many in the village hate him. Had it been anyone but Iruka who had found Naruto, he likely would’ve ended up turning against the entire village in anger. It’s a touching moment of understanding not just between teacher and student, but also between a pair of orphans linked by the same tragic event.

The lowest point is anytime I‘m reminded the sexy jutsu exists.

  COUNTERS

Ramen consumed so far: 2 bowls, 1 cup

"I'm gonna be Hokage!" count: 8

Number of Shadow Clones summoned: 46

And that's everything for this week! Remember that you're always welcome to join us for this rewatch, especially if you haven't watched the original Naruto!

Here's our upcoming schedule!

-Next week, on JANUARY 25th, we'll be discussing EPISODES 8-14, hosted by KARA DENNISON! The mission in the Land of Waves continues! THIS IS THE ONLY INSTALLMENT WE'RE ACCEPTING QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS FOR THIS WEEK!

-Then, on FEBRUARY 1st, we discuss EPISODES 15-21, with KEVIN MATYI hosting! Not only do we start the Chunin Exam arc, but we get our first FILLER EPISODE!

-On FEBRUARY 8th,we'll discuss EPISODES 22-28, with JARED CLEMONS as host! The Chunin Exam kicks into high gear!

Thank you for joining us for the Great Crunchyroll Naruto Rewatch! Have a great weekend, and we'll see you all next time!

Have any comments or questions about episodes 1-7? What about our upcoming installment, featuring episodes 8-14?

-----

Nate Ming is the Features Editor for Crunchyroll News and creator of the long-running Fanart Friday column. You can follow him on Twitter at @NateMing. Check out his comic, Shaw City Strikers!

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[sketchiedetails]

Iconoclasts was on sale a while back so I picked it up. I’ve been eying the game for a while because of the gorgeous sprite work.

I’m still not sure if I like Iconoclasts. I find it an interesting game, yet I’ve got mixed feelings about its story and gameplay elements.

I remember way back when that this game was reformed from another idea by Joakim Sandberg. I heard that it took about a decade to finish, and the work definitely shows. Iconoclasts has some of the best game art I’ve ever seen. Every screen in the early game is lush with background animations, and the character art has a lot of personality. The game’s sprites remind me of a mix between Metal Slug and Final Fantasy 6.

In terms of gameplay, it’s a 2-D action adventure game. I don’t wanna call it a full Metroidvania, because the game is very linear and doesn’t really leave you guessing where you need to go between story beats. The last game I’ve played that felt more like a proper Metroidvania would be Hollow Knight and even though that game also had a set path you needed to follow in order to progress the story, there were plenty of moments where you could branch off and approach the game in any order you wished.

Iconoclasts isn’t as open-ended; it’s very story-focused, and the pacing feels like it’s hitting the ground running at the beginning but then slows down by the second and third act in order to elaborate on plot points that were only hinted at in the beginning. There are hidden areas and boss fights, but they’re really obtuse and sparse compared to the ones you’ll encounter as you follow the critical path.

You play as Robin, a mechanic who speaks softly but carries a big wrench. All your actions as Robin are tied to either your stun gun, which can have up to 3 different settings, or your wrench, which you can upgrade to gain new abilities like charging electricity and traveling on ziplines. Each type of shot has a normal shot and a special charged shot that can affect its properties. It’s impressive how creative Sandberg got when it came to designing puzzles around Robin’s moveset. They start off quite simple, but their difficulty ratchets up fairly high as puzzles require you to perform more of Robin’s abilities in quick succession in order to solve them. Some later areas tend to have a hard time signposting to the player what or where to go next (I’m thinking of the One Concern bases in the second act of the game).

At certain points in the game, you’ll take control of other characters and they can play very differently from Robin. One can only make use of their shotgun, and another can only use their sword (and not very well considering their physical state at that time).

One of the big draws to Iconoclasts is the boss fights. They’re all very creative and have different gimmicks - some are just standard duels and others may require the help of another character. The downside to them is that having gimmicks can cause trial-and-error gameplay since you’ll have to lose a couple of times in order to understand how to fight each boss.

The only word I can use to describe Iconoclasts’ plot is ... frustrating. It frustrates me the way Binary Domain’s plot did, in that both games have very interesting world building but they don’t really do anything with that setting. Binary Domain’s saving grace was that it had a great cast of endearing characters. Every member of the Rust Crew had some charm to them and you’d warm up to them by the end of the game.

Unfortunately, Iconoclasts’ cast isn’t as appealing: to a man, every one of them besides Robin is an asshole, and that’s only really because Robin is a silent protagonist.

I’m not exaggerating. None of the people you meet as Robin are likeable, and that includes her brother Elro. They’re all broken individuals, and while that makes them interesting, there’s no chemistry in their interactions. Most conversations end up as shouting matches, and you can’t help but feel as awkward as Robin when it comes to being a bystander in these exchanges.

The plot itself feels like one long Shaggy Dog joke. It’s an action adventure game, and the basic setup is the typical small town character who’s swept up in the intrigue concerning multiple factions. While that can be a very trite conceit, there are inspired moments in the plot concerning the setting’s infrastructure and the magical forces that make the world turn. The endgame gets almost JRPG-like in terms of enemy scale, but the twist turns the concept on its head and makes it almost feel like a parody of those stories.

The thing about all this is that I can’t tell if that’s the point of the game. It’s called Iconoclasts, and the title does live up to that name because the main antagonistic force is a theocracy that’s full of nutjobs who are abusing the religion in order to keep the people down either because they’re following orders like cogs in the machine, or they’re religious fanatics who’ve bought their own hype and are incredibly smug. The save points are all religious statues and they change based on where you find them, as if to say that it doesn’t matter who’s on the statue since they all serve the same purpose. One of the more prominent characters is supposed to be an aspiring messianic figure, but he’s a perennial fuckup throughout the entire game.

The game seems to nudge at the fourth wall every now and then when certain characters talk to Robin. Everyone seems to talk Robin up as this amazing hero, but really all she’s done is get caught up in other people’s business because she’s too nice. By the endgame, you’ve been instrumental in overthrowing the One Concern and even taking on Him and people just take it in stride as if that’s just a thing that commonly happens. It almost makes me feel like the term Iconoclasts doesn’t just refer to the fact that Robin is instrumental in taking down the One Concern, but also as a statement against these boilerplate adventure stories.

The punchline to the joke has to be at the very end of the game has Robin, having fought Him and saved the world after returning from space, return to her bed where the game started and her brother - the man who lost his family and some of his body parts to the One Concern - considers that maybe Robin can take care of herself and doesn’t need to be as overprotective of her as he’s been throughout the entire game.

Iconoclasts is an impressive title for a one-man team and worth a playthrough just to appreciate the pixel art and tight gameplay. The story’s well-told and has a lot more depth than I was expecting from this kind of game, but take note that its tone tends to whip back and forth between twee to macabre.

[o0o-chibaken-o0o]

heya:) do you by any chance have any party game fics (idk, truth or dare, fuck marry kill, spin the bottle, never have i ever...) that aren't "starts with a spin" and "right hand red" or "'check this hand 'cause i'm marvellous" because, obviously, those are classics! but i've been craving fics like these and your recs are always AWESOME, so if you have some, that would make my day! ♥♥♥ fucking love your blog btw

DO I KNOW ANY PARTY GAME FICS?? DO I??

(spoiler alert: the answer is fuck yes I have a ton of them, this is one of my all-time favorite tropes!)

Drarry & Party Games Fic Recs

Starts With A Spin by Maxine (120K)- It started with the spin of a bottle, and now Harry and Draco have gotten themselves so far into their own game there’s almost no way out again. Except to keep playing.You can’t tell me not to include the most quintessential party games fic ever on my party games rec list! Much like Drarry’s relationship, this fic starts with a game of spin the bottle and then develops over a series of fucking amazing funny REALISTIC teenage drinking games. And there’s a real, developed plot too! Oh, and smut. Don’t forget the smut. Perfection!!

Right Hand Red by lumosed_quill (73K)- Harry felt Malfoy’s breath on his lips as they came together over the bottle, hands firmly planted on the floor as though they each needed their familiar soil, refusing to cross into enemy territory. Except that Malfoy no longer felt like his enemy. Malfoy felt inevitable.I challenge you to find one person who has read this fic and not loved it to death. Like Starts With A Spin, there are tons of fun games that bring our boys together, but unlike Starts With A Spin, they are into each other from the beginning and it is a sweet lovely romance and MY FAVORITE THING is Harry teaching Draco to cast a Patronus.

check this hand ‘cause I’m marvelous by lumosed_quill (8K)- Harry’s had a crush on Malfoy for months now. But it will take a bar full of his friends, some Firewhisky, wagers made on his behalf, and Malfoy himself to get him to act on it.You know, on my own I probably wouldn’t have thought to include this one for party games because they’re at a bar, but they’re playing DARTS so it TOTALLY FITS and I’m so glad you mentioned it. Draco is a sexy fucking bastard here. Sexy. Fucking. Bastard. Do you like sexy Draco? READ IT.

How to Handle an Enemy by who_la_hoop (7.5K)- Everyone knows that it’s no fun playing truth or dare with a Slytherin. But add a little Veritaserum, a scheming duo of Slytherin girls and surprising things can be revealed. Particularly about the fine line between love and hate…I fucking ADORE this fic!! It (and its equally-amazing-but-lacking-party-games-sequel Turnabout is Fair Play) is one of the hottest things I’ve ever read. The Slytherins play veritaserum Truth or Dare and then– ENTER THEIR SURPRISE PARTY GUEST: THE BOY WHO IS THE OBJECT OF DRACO’S LUST. And there’s WANKING PUBLIC WANKING. 

Spin the Wand by WrittenSins (3K)- In the spirit of inter-house unity, the eighth years have a small party. In an attempt to get Harry and Ginny back together, Hermione and Ron come up with the plan of a rigged game of Spin the Wand, but not all goes as planned. Excerpt: “The idea was simple: A game of spin the bottle, but instead of a bottle, a toy wand, and instead of a game of chance, Hermione had spelled the wand to land on whoever the spinner most desired to kiss.”One of those fics where the summary says it all- and you’re probably already reading the fic, not sticking around to hear me babble about how cute it is XD

Silk Scarves and Enchanted Handcuffs by TommyLane (28.5K)- It was only supposed to be for seven minutes and then the blindfold would come off and he’d be free from the dark cupboard and his mystery partner - only Harry was no longer sure he wanted it to end.This fic is brilliant. It’s pretty much just one long party with one long game in which Harry and Draco are blindfolded and shoved into a cupboard together and then subsequently handcuffed. YEAH. And Harry is like “WHO IS THIS HOT PIECE OF ARSE I’M KISSING I WANT TO DO THIS FOREVER” and then he’s like “OH IT WAS MALFOY….STILL WANT TO DO IT FOREVER.” Mhmm. Yep.

Teach Me by lauren3210 (3K) “I’ve decided to help you out,” Draco had said earlier that evening, plonking himself down on the sofa next to Potter.Draco benevolently offers to teach Harry to play poker. And then he not-so-benevolently draws him into a private game of strip poker ;)

One Night at the Leaky by birdsofshore (12.5K)- Harry should have known better than to accept a drunken dare. Especially when Malfoy was sitting right there, looking like that and wearing those bloody tight trousers.What’s better than eighth year truth or dare? ADULT truth or dare. Especially amazing funny lovely adult truth or dare in which Harry tries to win a date with Draco Malfoy

Games Night by @agentmoppet​ (7K)- Harry has no idea why Hermione decided that an inter-house Games Night would be a good idea, but he’s here now, and he intends to beat Malfoy, no matter what game he chooses. But, who would have thought muggle games could be full of so much… tension?Aaaah Harry and Draco being super competitive playing various muggle games

Trick or Treat by amorette (9.5K)- Harry had no idea that he was such a fetishist - a fact which he discovers on Halloween.This fic has so many good things- Draco loses a bet and has to wear a girl’s uniform to the Halloween party. Harry is distracted and jealous all night. A game of “trick or treat.” And kinky kinky, very hot smut. 

The Lovers’ Circle by nicevenn (13.5K)- Tired of feeling alone, Harry agrees to play a matchmaking game with the other eighth years. It’s just a game, after all. What harm could it do?AAAH these tarot cards match up Harry and Draco because they’re compatible af, but they refuse to do the task (THE AMAZING TASK) they are given, so Harry and Draco have to endure a curse! And by curse I mean they’re bonded in an incredibly creative and helpful way. FLUFF and CHRISTMAS

Corruptela Vox by Constant Vigilance (5.5K)- Draco’s kink is revealed. Pretty much a PWP. Parselsmut Parselsmut Parselsmut. With a side of truth or dare, embarrassment, and some fluff.

Never Have I Ever by faithwood (0.5K)- Hogwarts students play the “Never have I ever” game.Can a fic be a classic if it’s only 690 words long? APPARENTLY SO because this is required reading and it’s perfect. 

Restraint by @fleetofshippyships (153.5K)- Someone casts the Imperius curse on Draco Malfoy, and whatever the instructions may be, Harry finds himself an unwilling target. The encounter leaves him torn between pleasure and revulsion. As they fight in the aftermath, a tense game begins. Harry fights to convince Malfoy, and himself, that he was not affected by that initial encounter, or any of those following it. Faced with a series of escalating encounters, Harry must come to terms with desiring things he never thought he could, things he wishes he didn’t respond to. They each use signs of arousal as weapons against each other in a mad struggle to finally shame the other into backing down for good. But it’s only after the game is over that Harry starts to understand.So as you can probably guess, there’s quite a bit of angst in this fic, but the development of their relationship reads really realistically, and if you’re into the enemies-to-reluctant-lovers trope (aren’t we all?!) then you will absolutely enjoy this blessedly LONG fic, which features plenty of games to out Harry and Draco to their friends ;) (warning for brief but detailed Harry/George)

Bond, Shag, or Crucio by catsintheattic (5K)- I hope you all realise how asinine this situation is,“ says Draco as he looks down his nose at the assembled party.Just a short little fic in which the Slytherins and Gryffindors join together for a revealing game of the wizard equivalent for fuck, marry, kill ;)

Seven Minutes in the Garden of Wizarding Delights by Zahra (3K)- Draco Malfoy is resolutely heterosexual; Pansy Parkinson will attest to this. So will Queenie Greengrass, Orla Quirke, Eloise Midgen, and if pressed, Blaise Zabini.There is Seven Minutes in Heaven and Draco is in MAJOR denial and his inner monologue is hilarious. 

Reigning Champ by LadySlytherin (14K)- If there’s one thing every Slytherin loves, it’s a good game. Too Hot was played at every party Slytherin House had hosted for years, and Draco had won every round since the first time he played. Pride in his title as Champion was to be expected. Stating it like a challenge in front of the returning Eighth-Year Gryffindors? Not Draco’s brightest move, to be sure. Combine the challenge with mistletoe, feminine wiles and secret plots, Ron Weasley’s temper, and an unexpected connection with a Dragonologist and Draco’s Christmas just got a whole lot more complicated!I’ve never seen a game quite like this before- the first person to touch the other during a kiss loses. And Draco thinks he’s so cool and invincible but he’s NOT because when it comes to Harry he just can’t restrain himself! As you may imagine, it features lots of non-HD kisses for game purposes, but also be warned that Draco goes on a date with Charlie. Endgame 100% Drarry though!

Veritaserum Truth or Dare by ElectricBlueLilies (2K)- The returning eighth years bond over a game of Truth or Dare.Short, adorable, easy fluff

You Already Know What’s Next by silverdawn89 (14.5K)- It’s about Truth or Dare, except it’s not really about Truth or Dare at all. Or: there is alcohol and a bunch of twenty-somethings play embarrassing party games.Harry is Draco’s neighbor, and he is very LOUD and ANNOYING until Draco is finally invited to one of his parties and it has to be a prank only it’s not

Lockdown by Vorabiza (35K)- Four Gryffindors and four Slytherins under a forced lockdown in the potions classroom for two days.A lot of Harry being a confident, sexy bastard who’s done everything you could ever think to mention in a game of Never Have I Ever. Also some exhibitionism for good measure :P

[kuriquinn]

The Last To Know [4/5]

Blanket Fic Disclaimer

Beta Reader: None right now. Check back later.

Warning: Some language

AN: I decided to add another chapter. Sakura and Sasuke deserve their moment, and Sakura has to resolve her issues with Kakashi and Naruto separately so as not to cheapen the SasuSaku stuff :)

First Chapter

The closer she gets to Sasuke, the more effort Sakura makes to muster up a smile. As mentally and physically tired as she is, she will never not be overjoyed to see him. Besides, it’s not as if he’s the type to notice that sort of thing anyhow.

Once they are within several feet of each other, though, his eyes flit across her face and he frowns. “You look tired.”

For all the blunt delivery, she senses an undertone of concern in his voice. This more than anything makes her smile more genuine.

“I’m fine,” she waves it off. “I worked a few doub—er, triple—shifts. It’s nothing I haven’t done before.” He raises an eyebrow at this, and she insists, “I just need to have something real to eat and a short nap. Then I’ll be good to go for another straight week if I have to.”

She hopes her boast doesn’t sound as manic to him as it does to her. When he doesn’t remark on it, she decides it didn’t.

“It’s nice to see you,” she says a beat later. “You look…I mean…how are you?”

“Fine.”

He doesn’t elaborate, but she didn’t really expect him to.

The silence hangs awkwardly between them.

“Was there something you needed?” she asks after half a minute of this. As cheered as she is by his presence, she knows from experience that Sasuke doesn’t come to see her unless there’s something he needs from her. He’s not the sentimental type, after all; with him it’s function and duty above everything.

“Kakashi and Naruto are concerned about you,” Sasuke states. “You’ve been avoiding them.”

Sakura freezes at this.

Instantly, a bolt of pain shoots through her heart. Because of course Sasuke wouldn’t come to see her of his own volition, but because Naruto or Kakashi asked him to. That phantom pain is quickly backed by a stab of annoyance that her other teammates got him involved. It was exactly what she was hoping to avoid.

“It’s been busy at work,” she dismisses. “I can’t always get away when I’m in the operating room, you know.”

She begins to walk away; for once, she half-hopes he won’t follow her. When he does, she can’t decide if she’s irritated or pleased.

Still, she doesn’t want to talk about her issues with Naruto and Kakashi with him, especially not considering what they stem from. Instead, she goes on to relay what she’s spent her day doing, explaining all of the procedures she carried out and the injuries she healed. Her enthusiasm is half-genuine, half-manic, and she doesn’t dare take a breath.

For the first time since they were kids, she takes advantage of his silence just to fill it, trying to make it seem like she’s not upset.

They wander down the street together, separated by barely two feet. Normally she would be over the moon about this, thrilled to spend time with him and bask in his attention, but the sour feeling in her stomach won’t abate. The pretense that everything is alright is like a fog, and she barely takes in any of their first walk together. She’s not even really sure where they’re headed, simply following her feet.

Does Sasuke think she’s bringing them in somewhere in particular? If he does, he’ll soon realise she has no destination in mind, and leave. Maybe she should let him know it’s alright to leave if he wants to.

She stops them, ready to do just that, opening her mouth—

And then abruptly shuts it as their surroundings become clearer to her.

The entrance of Konoha’s graveyard looms behind them, the summer breeze rustling the neatly trimmed grass around all the monuments.

Sakura blinks, and then blurts out in genuine confusion, “Did I bring us here, or did you?”

Sasuke doesn’t reply, instead gazing among the distant rows with an unreadable expression; it looks like her attempts at deflection didn’t distract him after all.

“Sasuke…you don’t have to…it’s fine. I don’t want to make this a bigger deal, especially considering…everything. Ugh, they shouldn’t have gotten you involved—”

“They should have told you,” he interrupts; it’s so surprising that she actually jumps, her eyes snapping toward his face. There’s an irritated expression there, but she has a presentment that it’s not directed at her for once. “I understand why they didn’t, but they should have. Out of everyone…you should have been someone who knew.”

“I…”

She doesn’t actually know what to say to that. Her eyes feel tight, and there’s a tickle in her nose that suggests oncoming tears, but for the first time all day it’s not hurt or anger that makes her want to cry. The fact that Sasuke of all people would say this to her…

“Thank you,” she manages finally. “Coming from you that…that means so much.”

He shoots her a funny look, like he doesn’t understand why.

“You’re one of the saviours of the world,” she reminds him. “If you don’t think I’m too weak to handle the truth, they have no excuse either.”

“You are not weak, Sakura,” he tells her, turning to face her. “You are the strongest person I know.”

Blood rushes to her cheeks, making them burn, and Sakura tries to untangle her tongue to respond to that. On the one hand she knows that can’t be true, because they’ve both witnessed what Naruto can do. But on the other hand, Sasuke has never been dishonest with her; he has never told her anything that he didn’t truly believe. He isn’t a man of tact, or the type to spare another person’s feelings; if he said it, he must think it’s true.

“Next time, punch Naruto instead,” he goes on, as if he commented on something as factual as the weather. “Preferably before he becomes Hokage, so it won’t cause another civil incident.”

“I didn’t cause a civil incident this time.”

“You did enough to merit my usual ANBU detail suddenly making a beeline for the Hokage’s office.”

She bristles at the notion that even though he has long been cleared of his crimes, Sasuke still isn’t completely free while at home. Kakashi said it was a temporary measure until people are more used to seeing him around the village, but it seems counterproductive to her.

If people knew the whole truth, would that be any different?

Now that she knows, it seems even more injust.

Maybe that’s yet another reason they didn’t tell her.

Sakura clenches her fists as her thoughts come full circle.

“How do you do it?” she asks eventually, staring through the entrance again at the beautifuly polished memorial stone. Flowers and incense offerings are arranged around it, as always. Sasuke doesn’t answer, but she senses his gaze upon her; the silence rings like a question. “Knowing the truth…knowing what it cost…and them still hiding it?”

She wouldn’t blame him if he chose not to answer, but after a beat he exhales heavily.

“I would rather the Uchiha be remembered as loyal to the village that Itachi loved…than be remembered for plotting against it,” he says at last.

“No. Not that. That I…I understand. I hate it, but I understand it.”

Sasuke digests this, and then prompts, “Then do what?”

“How do you forgive people you care about for keeping the truth from you?” she asks. “People you trust and love and who you know just want to protect you. But by doing that, they make you hurt worse and feel…insignificant.”

It sounds pitiful when said out loud like that, especially in comparison to everything else, but Sakura was never able to just cast aside her feelings, however mundane.

This time Sasuke’s silence is quiet and contemplating, instead of confused. When he answers her, he sounds uncomfortable, “I’m not the right person to ask that.”

“You’re the only person that I trust right now who would know,” she tells him seriously, finally looking up at him. She is startled to find that he is already watching her—how long has he been looking at her?—but then abruptly looks away again.

“Hold on to the knowledge that they really want what’s best for you,” he tells her simply.

“That’s it?”

“You could cut yourself off from everyone, but that’s not a path for everyone.”

Sakura scowls at him; if she didn’t know him better, she would assume he was attempting to be humorous. Then she sighs, letting go of some of the tension that’s been holding her together the past few days, and looks back at the memorial stone.

“I feel crippled,” she confesses. “Like if they had said something, that all this time I could be doing something to make sure the past doesn’t repeat itself.”

“You are.”

“Huh?”

“Was that not the purpose of the clinic?” he asks. “To ensure what happened to Naruto and Kakashi and myself couldn’t happen again?”

“Well, yes, but—”

“Then you are,” he affirms, with something resembling finality in his voice.

Discussion over, I guess.

She marvels a little at how Sasuke can see the world in such simple terms when it comes to certain situations, and while in others he operates with logic that she can’t even follow.

Probably the same complex logic that had Itachi do what he did, she thinks, half-exasperated and half-impressed. She considers the memorial stone in the distance again, and the way Sasuke is lingering beside her, and then something occurs to her.

“Did you…are you going in?” she asks. “Do you want to be alone for that? I mean, if you’re leaving again soon, you probably want to say goodbye alone.”

“I…won’t be leaving right away, as it turns out,” he says, and there’s a strange waver in his voice she doesn’t think she’s heard before. “Kakashi asked me to test Konoha’s barrier for weaknesses. My dōjutsu makes me the best candidate for it.”

“Oh,” she says. “Well that’s nice! So, you’ll be around a little longer, right?”

“A few days, at least.”

She beams at him.

“I’m happy to hear that,” she says. “Maybe I’ll see you around then. I mean, around the village. When I’m not at work, of course.”

“Hm.”

He seems very at ease now, losing some of his distance, and the old hopeful part of her, the one that refuses to give up, decides to test her luck.

“And…maybe we could…get something to eat?” she suggests. When his eyes slide to her, she quickly adds, “Something that’s not ramen. There’s a new restaurant in town that does hamburgers…have you ever had them? What am I saying? You probably have.” She laughs nervously. Oh gods, someone make me stop talking! “Or if you’re not hungry, maybe we could just…go for a walk? Today was—” She makes a face, “Well, it was depressing. But the end was nice. Maybe we could do that again sometime and just catch up. I’m sure you saw some amazing things when you were travelling, and I’d love to hear the stories…that you could tell me…I know most of it’s classified, but—”

“We could spar,” he suggests.

The rest of Sakura’s sentence dies in her throat, and she blinks. “Huh?”

“Before I left, you asked if we could spar,” he says quietly, not looking at her. In fact, he seems very interested in something directly in front of him.

It takes her several seconds to understand what he’s talking about, before she remembers a conversation they had right before he left Konoha.

“I’ve heard accounts of some of the techniques you’re capable of using in combat. I’m curious to see if I could counter them,” he goes on. His eyes slide to her. “If you’re not busy at the hospital, of course.”

Excitement courses through her, replacing the dolorous emotions of the past few days, because Sasuke has never asked to spar with her.

She quickly adopts a serious, confident expression, smirking at him. “You’re going to get your ass handed to you.”

Sasuke snorts.

“We’ll see about that next time,” he tells her, reaching over and poking her forehead with his index and middle finger. Then he turns and starts to walk away, leaving her staring after him in confused elation. “And if you’re going to kill him, try not to do it so close to the cemetery.”

“Huh?” she asks, reaching up to touch the place where his fingers brushed her skin. Sasuke’s been doing that a lot since the end of the war, apparently his way of showing affection.

She tries not to read too much into it that she’s never seen him do that to Naruto or Kakashi.

つづく

As always, reviews and constructive criticism are much appreciated! Also, if you are in a supportive mood , you can find my tip jar here.

クリ

Next Chapter

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior Home and Semi-Theater Edition 7/10/20 – GREYHOUND, PALM SPRINGS, THE OLD GUARD, RELIC and More!

I hope everyone had a good 4th of July weekend, even though movie theaters don’t seem any closer to opening, and I believe some in certain areas even closed! New York City just hit Phase 3 this week, and I’m not sure Phase 4 even includes movie theaters. Let’s not even talk about L.A. as it will just depress me. I literally have no idea what’s going on or if movies being back in theaters nationwide by the end of this month is even realistic.  There are a lot of available movies this week, and I did my best to see as many as possible, but honestly, I’m getting a little burnt out watching movies on my computer and even on my TV set (the few times I can), so we’ll see how far I get this week. Hold on tight, because this week is gonna be a doozy! (I actually wanted to write a defense of Quibi and its content, but I’ll have to save that for a quieter week.)

Believe it or not, Tom Hanks has a new movie out this week, too, but it’s only on Apple TV+, since Sony decided to sell Hanks’ fictitious submarine drama GREYHOUND to the relatively new streaming service. Surely, that can’t be a good sign, right? Directed by Aaron Schneider (Get Low), it has Hanks playing Commander Ernest Krause, who is put in charge of his first fleet of ships to sail across the Atlantic Ocean’s notorious “Black Pit,” bringing supplies and troops to Europe during America’s early days in World War II.  The area of the Atlantic got its name because the planes that normally escorted the fleet to keep an eye out for German UBoats would have to turn back. As Captain of the USS Keeling aka Greyhound, Krause is solely responsible for dozens of ships and men.

Greyhound is a classic case of “Well, it looked good on paper,” because when you have a piece of fiction by C.S. Forester and one of America’s most beloved actors wanting to make it into a movie, what could possibly go wrong? Well, I’ll tell you. As someone who generally loves submarine movies and movies with great sea battles, certainly this movie was made for me, but no, although there are a few decent CG battles, the majority of the movie involves Hanks calmly stating orders to his men from the control deck of the Greyhound, as they take evasive measures to protect the fleet from the UBoats. Really, it’s mostly about Hanks, because other than Stephen Graham in a small role, none of the other men on the Greyhound have much personality. The movie even has the audacity to waste a great actor like Rob Hunter on a nothing role as the ship’s cook who brings Krause food and coffee he never has time to eat or drink anyway, because fighting the Germans is very busy work indeed.

While some of the firefights do bring a much-needed level of excitement, there’s otherwise no real stakes or tension, because you always know that Hanks’ boat will never be sunk. Every once in a while, Hanks will ask for coffee or his slippers to change things up. That’s how boring this movie is. And then, despite all the “non-stop fighting,” they somehow have time to stage an elaborate burial at sea when the ship is hit by enemy fire. Maybe this would have been a better movie seen in theaters, but probably not. It’s absolutely astounding how boring this movie is, but if naval speak gets you hot then Greyhound might just be the movie for you!

Now that that’s taken care of, let’s try to get some of the other movies, hopefully some of them are better than Greyhound.

Andy Samberg stars in PALM SPRINGS (NEON/Hulu), the new romantic comedy and first feature from director Max Barbakow. Calling it a “romantic comedy” wouldn’t really be doing the movie justice, since it’s more of a quirky comedy that offers more than the simple Sundance rom-com formula of Samberg’s previous Sundance movie, Jesse and Celeste Forever. The movie begins with Samberg’s character, Nyles, waking up at a wedding with his horrid girlfriend Misty (a very funny Meredith Hagner). At the wedding, Nyles gives a rousing speech (despite no one knowing who he is) then connects with the bride’s sister, Sara (Cristin Milioti). But wait, maybe you think you know where this is going but when the two go off somewhere private to “hook up,” it’s rudely interrupted by someone trying to kill Nyles, and well, it just gets stranger from there.

I’m not sure how much of the plot and the early twist would be considered a spoiler, although maybe not if you’ve watched the trailer. Essentially, Sara follows Nyles into a cave where there’s some sort of dimensional thing that returns them back to the beginning of the same day over and over. They go to sleep or they die, and they’re right back at the start of the day, so yup, it’s basically a similar Groundhog’s Day premise that we’ve seen in movies like Happy Death Day, Natasha Lyonne’s Russian Doll, Before I Fall or others, but it’s all about what Barbakow, writer Andy Siara and the two leads do that make Palm Springs so much more entertaining and even deeper.

I have to be honest that I wasn’t familiar with Milioti at all before this film, so this ends up being an amazing spotlight for her talent, and similar to Rashinda Jones in Jesse/Celeste, she makes Samberg that much easier to palate. Not that I dislike Samberg, but I’ve never been the biggest fan when he’s given free reign like in movies such as Hot Rod. (But I did like Popstar: Never Stop Stopping, so maybe he’s grown on me.) I will admit that I’m a sucker for a good wedding-based romantic comedy—as seen by recent ones like Plus Oneand Destination Wedding -- and with its odd quantum physics twist, Palm Springs continually finds new ways of exploring the tenuous existence that is a new relationship. Oh, I should also mention that Roy, the guy trying to kill Nyles, is played by JK Simmons, and while it’s definitely a smaller part for one of my favorite actors, he also plays a significant role in the story.

You’ll probably know right away if Palm Springs is your kind of movie, but the mix of quirkiness and honest heart and emotion makes it one of Samberg’s better endeavor. It hope it allows us to see much more of Ms. Milioti, since I think she’s quite wonderful as well.  Palm Springs can be watched on Hulu or in select drive-ins starting this Friday, and since it is this week’s “Featured Flick*,” I hope you’ll check it out! (*I changed the name of this just to see if anyone is paying any attention… or even reading.)

Greg Rucka and Leandro Fernández’s comic, THE OLD GUARD, has been turned into a movie directed by Gina Prince-Bythewood (Love and Basketball) that will hit Netflix this Friday. It stars Charlize Theron and is written by Rucka himself, and it’s a fairly high concept action movie involving a group of “immortals” – warriors who aren’t able to die, so they’ve lived for hundreds of years and are now hiring themselves out as hired mercenaries. When they learn there’s a new immortal awakening, they seek her out to recruit her.

I generally like Charlize Theron in action mode as seen in Mad Max: Fury Road and Atomic Blonde, and she’s pretty kick-ass as Andromache the Scythian aka Andy, the leader of the Old Guard. Kiki Layne from If Beale Street Could Talk offers a nice counterpoint as her trainee in the form of Nile, the newest immortal, who discovers that she can’t die while serving as a soldier in the Middle East. The rest of the cast includes Chiwetel Ejiofor, Matthias Schoenaerts and others, who are all okay, but I just wish there was more to the story than just watching them have to deal with a lame corporate villain named Merrick (Harry Melling), who wants to harvest their blood to create life-saving pharmaceuticals for others.

While I liked the flashbacks to historic times showing Theron’s Andromache in another light, the stuff in present day is rarely as interesting. I’m not sure I ever would have thought of Bythewood doing action, even though she was supposed to do a Silver Sable/Black Cat movie at one point, but her fight scenes pretty fairly impressive, but she doesn’t lose sight of losing the focus on characterization, at least in terms of the two women.

The Old Guard isn’t bad, and it really would have benefited from being seen on the big screen, but I’m not sure it really offers enough with its concept other than a few decent fight scenes. Personally, I felt it paled in comparison to Netflix’s other recent action film, Extraction, at least in terms of the story and characters.

A horror movie that got a lot of lavishing praise out of Sundance is Natalie Erika James’ RELIC (IFC Midnight), which you may remember me mentioning last week, because apparently, it opened in a few drive-in theaters last Friday.  I had been looking forward to this due to the amount of praise it got from Sundance, comparing it to the likes of The Babadook or Hereditary.

The story revolves around Emily Mortimer’s Kay and her daughter Sam (Bella Heatchote) travelling to their grandmother Edna’s country home in Australia after she’s reported missing. Edna (Robyn Nevin) soon returns and is behaving oddly, and with Gran clearly not herself, Kay has to figure out if she’s possessed by something or just suffering from advanced dementia.

I feel like I have a general idea what James was trying to accomplish with Relic, as it explores what it’s like being the caregiver for your elderly parent once they’ve become debilitated by something that makes them unrecognizable, put into the context of a horror film. I ended up watching the movie twice, mainly because I had no clue what was going on during my first viewing, but honestly, this movie just ended up annoying me, and it was only partially due to the fact that I had very little idea what was going on since most of the movie is so dark. More than that, I found a lot of the movie to be incredibly dull, and comparisons to The Babadook are inane, since the only thing is that it’s a horror movie (sort of) directed by an Australian woman.

The movie also involves some sort of “evil presence” and a creepy old house that was on the premises when Kay’s family moved in, but this information is revealed in such a dreary and confusing manner that makes it harder to figure out what you’re watching.  In fact, if not for a number of eerie random images, it would be hard to even consider the first half of Relic “horror” since it’s more of a family drama about these three women from different generations contending with each other in this house. As someone who has had many conversations with my sister about what to do about my own elderly mother, I could see why this might connect with viewers, but planting this idea haphazardly into a typical horror movie just never worked for me. Relic has some good things going for it, such as the performances by the three actors (particularly Nevin), plus the creepy imagery and sound design do a lot to create a mood even if it doesn’t necessarily help with the storytelling.

The problem is that this story is told at such a snail’s pace and by the time the horror elements start kicking in within the last 20 minutes of the movie, almost everything is in pitch blackness, making it almost impossible to tell what you’re watching. Any earlier qualities worthy of praise are lost with some of the bad choices in lighting and editing, as well as an ending that’s dragged on for so long and at such a drowsy pace that any good will towards the movie will likely be lost. Ultimately, Relic is a disappointing high concept but single-note thriller that fails to deliver on the scares, instead delivering a dull and slightly unsettling family drama about aging and dementia.

In fact, I actually much preferred Jeffrey A. Brown’s horror film, The Beach House, which comes to the streaming network sShudder this Thursday. It stars Liana Liberato and Noah Le Gross as Emily and Randall, a young couple who travel to his father’s beach house to reconnect. Once there, their vacation is broken up by Jake Weber’s Mitch and his wife Jane (Maryann Nagel), but as the two couples get to know each other, a freak environmental event unleashes an infection that leads to all sorts of freaky occurrences. While there was just as much weirdness and not knowing what was going on as in Relic, at least this movie mostly takes place in the sunlight, so you can actually see things that are equally or even more disturbing than anything in Relic.

Brown’s film starts out so simply with this young couple wanting to spend some time alone together, but there’s this constant menace looming that’s foreshadowed in the opening credits, and as Mitch and Jane show up and start behaving oddly, you’ll wonder what exactly is happening to them. Things get even more disturbing when Emily is on the beach and experiences even odder and grosser circumstances that lead into the film’s “body horror” portion that will make even those with the strongest constitutions slightly queasy.

Part of why the film works so well is the small cast Brown has put together.  I’ve been quite a fan of Liberato for many years, and she effectively becomes the film’s lead. Certainly, there are a few common horror tropes in place including ones that can be traced back to the likes of Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever, but there’s also enough new ideas that the film doesn’t seem like retread. While I’m not 100% sure exactly what was happening in The Beach House, Brown and his cast do a good job keeping the viewer uneasy and disturbed.  

Atom Egoyan’s new thriller GUEST OF HONOUR (Kino Lorber) will premiere this week as part of the Kino Marquee (and there’s lots of great stuff on there that will help support your local arthouse while you’re checking that out!)  It stars David Thewliss as Jim, a health inspector whose high school music teaching daughter Veronica (Lausla de Oliveira) has been jailed over an indiscretion with two teen students.

Egoyan has proven himself to be quite a master at the thriller genre, and Guest of Honour involves a complex family drama narrative that scuttles between timelines in order to keep you guessing where things might be going. I’ll freely admit that the non-linear storytelling was somewhat confusing at first, as the movie is framed by a conversation between Veronica and Luke Wilson after the death of her father. It also flashes back to an important moment from Veronica’s childhood before her mother died of cancer, which led to other things that would affect her years later.

I’m frequently amazed by Thewliss as one of England’s more underrated exports, but I was equally impressed by Ms. de Oliveira, whose work I was not familiar with before seeing her in Egoyan’s capable hands.

While we’ve heard plenty of true stories about the relationships between teachers with their students, Guest of Honour isn’t just about that, and it’s the way Egoyan reveals some of the story’s more interesting complexities, like Veronica’s relationship with an obsessed bus driver (Rossif Sutherland), that builds to some of the events that happen later. Honestly, I’m hesitant to reveal too much about the plot since there’s a way that Egoyan unveils various elements that makes Guest of Honour another compelling entry in the filmmaker’s constantly-evolving oeuvre.

A really interesting crime-thriller with a sci-fi twist hitting Apple TV, Prime Video and other digital platforms this Friday is South African filmmaker Tony Dean Smith’s own directorial debut, VOLITION (Giant Pictures), a film co-written and co-produced with his brother Ryan. It stars Adrian Glynn McMorran (Arrow) as James, a man constantly down on his luck who has clairvoyant powers that he uses to get himself involved in a scheme involving valuable diamonds. Just before this happens, he meets Angela (Magda Apanowicz), a young woman who gets pulled into the problems James gets into with others wanting the diamonds, and when he sees a murder, he has to do what he can to change the future.

I feel like this column’s running theme is that I’m being deliberately vague about the film’s plot, and in this case, it’s because halfway through the movie, there’s a pretty big twist that involves time travel. While that immediately makes the movie more interesting, it also makes things far more confusing.  Up until that point, Volition felt like a rather weakly-written indie crime-thriller from filmmakers who may have seen Memento a few too many times. In fact, it opens with such a pretentious bit of narration I was worried the movie wasn’t going to be very good, and there was very little in the first half to keep me invested. When that new element/twist is added, McMorran’s character ends up on a far more interesting journey, and that turns Volition into a far more inventive and original story. Sure, it isn’t Primer, but if you’re a fan of the twists that come with time travel, Volition does a good job keeping you wondering what might happen next, and it does this with a mostly no-name cast, which is always quite impressive. In that way, it reminds me of The Wretchedwhich opened earlier in the year, as that was also by two filmmaking brothers taking a DIY attitude towards independent film. Volition isn’t perfect but it’s far better than I was expecting, and it’s a testament to the filmmakers’ perseverance to bring their very specific vision to the screen.

I was pretty excited to learn out about the quirky Japanese coming-of-age musical comedy WE ARE LITTLE ZOMBIES (Oscilloscope) from Makoto Nagahisa, because it’s the type of movie that I would usually see at the New York Asian Film Festival that would have been going on right now if not for… well, you know what. But it did play Fantasia in Montreal last year, so I’m sure it would have been fun seeing it with that audience. It’s certainly cute and quirky, involving a group of kids who come together to deal with their parents. Honestly, I don’t have a ton to say about it, but if you like oddball Asian films like the ones that play those festivals, you’ll know whether the film is for you. You can watch a trailer and find out where you’ll be able to catch We Are Little Zombies at its Official Site.

At least that was more watchable than Gavin Rothery’s sci-fi directorial debut, ARCHIVE (Vertical Entertainment), starring Theo James from the Divergent movies as George Almore, a man in the year 2038 who is working on an AI that is as close to human as possible, one that will hopefully reunite him with his dead wife in this new form. If you watch this, you’ll immediately think that Rothery must have watched Moon quite a lot. In fact, he was the conceptual artist and visual FX artist on Duncan Jones’ movie, and the influences of that film are so obvious it’s hard to get past it. Then again, Theo James has so little personality and charisma, he’s almost constantly being overshadowed by his robotic companions. So yeah, not recommended, and I’m a little shocked this was accepted into this year’s cancelled SXSW. Honestly, I couldn’t even get through it.

Also premiering in the Kino Marquee is Nicholas Leytner’s Austrian drama The Tobacconist (Menemsha Films), starring Bruno Ganz (Downfall) as Sigmund Freud and based on the bestselling novel by Robert Seethaler, which I haven’t read (if that isn’t obvious). It deals with the friendship between a teenager named Franz (Simon Morzé) and Freud during the Nazi occupation of Vienna, when the former travels there to work as an apprentice at a tobacco shop where Freud is a regular customer. When Franz falls in love with a music hall dancer, he turns to Freud for advice.

Apparently “showing only in theaters” this Friday is Michael W. Bachochin’s sci-fi/”psychodrama” Parallax (The Primal Group) starring Naomi Prentice as a young artist who is haunted by nightmares and who wakes up to a life she doesn’t recognize. At this point, I might as well just post the actual synopsis: “As she begins to uncover the truths of the life that she's found herself in, the gravity of her failing reality weighs heavily on her psychological identity and the reliability of her sanity is called into question.”

Let’s get to some docs, and you can probably safely assume that Harry Mavromichalis’ Olympia(Abramorama) is about Oscar-winning actress Olympia Dukakis, because it is. Featuring interviews with Whoopi Goldberg, Laura Linney, Diane Ladd and more, that covers the Greece-born actress as she opens up about her struggles with depression, suicide and drug addiction, as well as stories from some of the actors she’s shared the stage and screen with over the years.

The next doc is about the Chinese artist who probably has had more docs made about him than…well, anyone else? Ai Wei Wei: Yours Truly (First Run Features), directed by Cheryl Haines and Gina Leibrecht, covers how the artist developed his 2014 exhibition, @Large: Ai Weiwei on Alcatraz, inspired by his 2011 detention by Chinese authorities (which has generally inspired all his recent work?) Hey, if you’re a fan of his artwork, then you’ll probably want to see this doc, too.

One doc that I really wanted to see was Brett Harvey’s Inmate #1: The Rise of Danny Trejo (Universal), which had a virtual world premiere and is now on ITunes and other VOD, but my attempts to get a screener was met with absolute silence. The film documents the amazing life and career of the 71-year-old character actor and action hero who went from a life of drugs and doing hard time in prison to becoming an easily recognized and respected star, mainly thanks to Robert Rodriguez. I would like to see this movie, and maybe someday I will.

Film Forum’s Virtual Cinema will be adding Jacques Becker’s 1947 film, Antoine and Antoinette, this Friday, as well as the 1927 filming of the original Broadway play, Chicago, long before it was turned into a musical, although it does have Ginger Rogers playing Roxie Hart. Reinhold Schünzel’s original 1933 film Victor and Victoria (which was later remade by Blake Edwards for wife Julie Andrews) also joins the fairly hefty list of repertory films available, being shown as part of the “Pioneers of Queer Cinema” series.

Other movies I just wasn’t able to get to this week include Tito (Factory 25), I, Pastafari (Gravitas Ventures), The Medicine (1091), Never Too Late (Blue Fox Entertainment), Deany Bean is Dead (Global Digital Releasing) and Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets (Utopia).

Also beginning on Apple TV+ this Friday is the new JJ Abrams series, Little Voice, starring Brittany O’Grady as Bess King, a 20-something singer trying to find her voice in the rat race that is New York City. I haven’t had a chance to watch this yet but apparently, Abrams got Sara Bareilles from Broadway’s Waitress to write some of the tunes, so it should be decent.

Next week, more movies—some in theaters, some not in theaters! But most of them watchable from home in case you don’t drive or your city is exploding with the COVID after the rest of us have been in quarantine for months. Thanks bunches.

By the way, if you read this week’s column and have bothered to read this far down, feel free to drop me some thoughts at Edward dot Douglas at Gmail dot Com or drop me a note or tweet on Twitter. I love hearing from readers … honest!

[nextgennews-blog1]

Why you should be watching Babylon 5

With all the streaming services that are out and about today, it can sometimes be hard to find which ones are slinging the best ‘tent around (that’s content to you plebs). There’s the big players in the game: Netflix, Hulu and Amazon, but lets not forget the mini-bosses in this game of views. Services like: Vue, Sling, Crackle, Twitch, Vevo, Shimmy, Wrangle and Flurp. There are so many out there that I bet you didn’t even realize the last three I mentioned aren’t even real services.

I mean, Yahoo! Screen? Who you trying to kid with that fake news?

Recently while clicking ‘round the wonderful world of Reddit, I noticed I kept seeing an ad at the top of my screen saying that I could stream all of Babylon 5 for free. I shrugged it off as nonsense, some click bait-y type website that would make me read and click through 35 images smothered with ads talking about “What do the People of B5 look like Now?!”

#4 will shock you!

But then, thanks to Big Brother and his tasty cookies, I started seeing the ad more and more on different pages I went to: Reddit, Yahoo! (sorry Screen), Latino-Review, PornHub, xHamster, FistMeisters and Club Penguin. So I decided to take a peek at what this was. Thus I was introduced to a new player in the game: go90.com

I love you.

Sure enough, for free, I could sign up for an account and watch the entirety of Babylon 5 (five seasons) and only have to deal with one 15 second ad before every episode. I couldn’t believe it. ‘Why is this important?’ you ask. Well I will tell you make believe reader.

Babylon 5 is the fucking best sci-fi show of all time.

Come at me Farscape! (but for realzies Farscape is awesome too...)

‘What is Babylon 5?’ you ask again voice in my head. Here’s the Wiki: “Set between the years 2257 and 2262, it depicts a future where Earth has sovereign states, and a unifying Earth government. Colonies within the solar system, and beyond, make up the Earth Alliance, and contact has been made with other spacefaring species. The ensemble cast portray alien ambassadorial staff and humans assigned to the 5-mile-long Babylon 5 space station, a center for trade and diplomacy.”

Sounds complicated and convoluted? You bet your sweet ass it is. J Michael Straczynski (further to be known as JMS because I do NOT feel like typing his last name out 300 times), created this show because he wanted to take an adult approach to science fiction story telling. He has been quoted as saying that he wanted “to take an adult approach to SF, and attempt to do for television SF what Hill Street Blues did for cop shows."

If you think that sentence doesn’t sounds old, then I have a Blockbuster franchise I wanna sell you.

The show mainly focuses around five dominant races/species/civilizations: the Humans, the Minbari, the Narn, the Centuri and the Vorlons). Through the wonders of makeup, costuming and practical effects, these races look, act and feel VASTLY different from each other, despite the fact they are all bi-pedal humanoid type creatures. During the series Babylon 5 goes through many plot lines, all interweaving and intersecting at critical and crucial points that make you slap your head and wonder how the hell they pulled it off. Well the answer is simple, and point number one on my multiple bullet breakdown on why this show rocks.

Who’s ready for bullets and notes, you nerds?!

1) JMS, the creator, wrote 92 of the 110 episodes of the series

Think about that for a second. Almost 84% of the entirety of the series was written by one man, which includes the entirety of the 3rd and 4th seasons (the 3rd being arguably one of the best seasons). A feat, JMS would tout, that had never before accomplished in American Television. Why is this a big deal? Well when you have one singular vision you can expect the unexpected and plan for contingencies you never saw coming. What do you mean by that? Well…

2) Every Character was written with a “trap-door”

Pulled directly from Wiki (because I’m hungover and being a lazy writer for the moment): “Though conceived as a whole, it was necessary to adjust the plot line to accommodate external influences. Each of the characters in the series was written with a ‘trap door’ into their background so that, in the event of an actor's unexpected departure from the series, the character could be written out with minimal impact on the storyline.”  

In the words of Straczynski, “As a writer, doing a long-term story, it'd be dangerous and short-sighted for me to construct the story without trap doors for every single character. ... That was one of the big risks going into a long-term storyline which I considered long in advance…” I can’t think of another series that has done this. Contract disputes? Check. Actors dying? Check. Budgetary constraints. Check. All bases covered by this one simple act of having the entire story thought out, conceived, shepherded and written by one man.

Getting rid of unwanted minions? Check.

Why is this “trap-door” thing important? Take the case of Michael O’Hare who played Commander Jeffery Sinclair in the first Season of B5. During the first season O’Hare started having paranoid delusions and hallucinations. As the show continued they worsened, causing him to be difficult to work with O’Hare lashing out at fellow colleagues. JMS offered to suspend the show for several months while he helped him seek treatment, but O’Hare declined because he didn’t want to jeopardize the series or other people’s jobs. He agreed to finish the first season and be written off the show so he could seek treatment. The treatments were only partially successful, but it allowed Sinclair to make a few cameo appearances in Seasons 2 and 3 to finish out his arc properly. After all was said and done, JMS swore to keep O’Hare’s secret to the grave, to which O’Hare replied "keep the secret to my grave", pointing out that fans deserved to eventually learn the real reason for his departure, and that his experience could raise awareness and understanding for people suffering from mental illness. O’Hare suffered a heart attack in NYC in September of 2012, and true to his word, eight months later at Phoenix ComicCon JMS told the story of his late friend and colleague.

My good…dear friend JMS

3) Visual Pioneer

Most Sci fi shows (and movies for that matter) at the time relied HEAVILY on practical effects. B5 did not when it came to space-time-fun. In order to make the budget stretch, JMS and other producers developed their own in house effects company. This show came out in 1993, the same time Jurassic Park did.

I mean, look at how realistic Goldbulm looks.

Now, while the graphics haven’t aged as gracefully as Jurassic Park did, they also had $100,000 workstations and several years to work on those dino-fects (which total about 6 minutes of the movie) where B5 had $5,000 stations to work on each week, with space scenes taking up a good 33% of the episodes. On top of that, B5 was not filmed in 4:3 aspect ratio like a majority of TV was. It was shot in 16:9 and cropped to fit, which is why today some of the effects haven’t aged really well, but I forgive them.

ZOMG LAZERS PEW PEW

B5 and the effects house Foundation Imaging, also heavily influenced sci-fi TV shows to come after. Star Trek, most notably, were reluctant to use CGI in their TV shows, until B5 showed them that it could be done, and done well. This change happened when the series premiered on television in January 1993, conclusively proving that computer animation, most notably CGI, could be employed in creating spectacular believable VFX on a tight budget. And despite themselves, this was not entirely lost at the time on the Star Trek producers.

David Livingston commented on the use of early CGI in creating the Bajoran lightship for Deep Space Nine: "We were reluctant to do computer graphics, but Peter Lauritson finally came around. He recognized how valuable it is. You can do more stuff with the ship, but you have to do it right.”

Speaking of Deep Space 9, there is a little bit of controversy there. You see, Paramount Television was aware of JMS’ show B5 as early as 1989. JMS attempted to sell the show to Paramount and provided them the series bible, pilot script, artwork, character backgrounds and histories and plot synopsis for the first season or 22 episodes. Paramount declined to produce B5, but then announced Deep Space 9 would be in development two months after Warner Bros. announced that they were produced B5. For those of you not in the know, Star Trek: Deep Space 9 was a notable Star Trek show for one very important reason: it doesn’t take place on a starship…but on a space station. Controlled by the United Federation of Planets (or as B5 had it…the League of Non-Aligned Worlds). There are more “coincidental similarities” but I’ll let JMS say it better than I can in his response to a DS9 fan who took JMS and Warner Bros’ lack of legal action as proof they had no case:

"If there is any (to use your term) winking and nudging going on, it's on the level of 'Okay, YOU (Paramount) know what happened, and *I* know what happened, but let's try to be grownup about it for now,' though I must say that the shapechanging thing nearly tipped me back over the edge again. If there are no more major similarities that crop up in the next few weeks or months, with luck we can continue that way."

Suck it you Ferengei Bastard

4) The Characters

The characters have SO MUCH depth. Without giving up any spoilys, the two biggest arcs in the show belong to G’Kar of the Narn and Londo Mollari of the Centauri. Played with ferocity and earnest by Andreas Katsulas (the one armed man from President Ford’s version of The Fugitive) and Peter Juraik respectively, these two characters go through some of the biggest, hardest and thickest most emotional arcs in the whole show. The Narn and the Centuri have been at war for over 100 years, and they well…hate each other. But every time you think things can come to a peaceful resolution, something happens to reset things back to zero. Both characters (thanks to the wonderful acting by their um…actors) make you feel their despair, pain, struggle, anger and anguish with every line spoken. Every character had a deep backstory and makes you feel for them. Ivanova and her hatred for Psi-Corp. Girabaldi and his alcoholism. Dr. Franklin’s addiction to stims. So on, and so forth.

Something about bad hair and awful decisions...

5) Awards

The show was nominated for eight Emmy Awards, and winning two, including Outstanding Cinematography, Makeup and Hairstyling for a series. It also won two Hugo Awards (basically the Emmys/Oscars of science fiction and fantasy); two Space Frontier Foundation Awards; an E Pluribus Unum Award presented by the American Cinema Association and a Saturn award for Best Syndicated/Cable Television Series. That’s a lot of ceremonies to attend.

So that’s my pitch. I have owned all 5 seasons of Babylon 5 on DVD for quite some time, but it’s always been a hassle to have to break out the Blu-Ray player, find the right HDMI input, etc., when you can just stream almost anything anywhere. So now that I have this option, I have been binging it, much to my delight. So much so that I have been missing out on current seasons of shows I’ve watched for years like House of Cards & Orange is the New Black, and also not even bothering to start shows like The Expanse or The OA.

There is so much to love with this series. There are even multiple movie spinoffs that, while not necessary to view when watching the show, just add even more depth and stories to the universe.

I can’t wait to finish this series for the umpteenth time so I can just start it over again.

—written by Tony Patryn | @patrynize on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook | www.patrynize.com

[thisisevenharderthannamingablog]

A Wondrous Adventure (1/4)

OUaT/Captain Swan

7000 words

Swearing and implied sex

AO3 Link

Author’s Note: This is my attempt to make 6b what I wanted it to be -- a celebration of my favorite in-show couple -- leading up to the wedding -- and to fix a few other things along the way. The divergence begins in “Murder Most Foul”, where there was no snooping, no ring-finding, and no Killian killing Charming’s father in a meaningless and out of character encounter. There was a fight; however, it was about something altogether different.

This chapter follows most of “A Wondrous Place,” with additions and changes. Thank you @ripplestitchskein for the speedy and excellent beta!

It was a stupid fight to begin with. The enormity of her mistake hit Emma as soon as the door closed behind Killian. The house lights flickered with the surge of emotion. Minutes passed while she fought herself. When the danger had passed, she stood for another moment leaning against the door, shaking.

"Son of a bitch."

Emma pushed herself upright, grabbed her coat from the hook and went after him. Damp and bitter cold struck her, and the snow fell thickly. She could already barely see his footprints on the sidewalk, but Emma didn't have to be a good tracker to know where Killian would have gone. She set out after him at a near-run.

By the time Emma caught up they were at the waterfront, and she was half-soaked from slipping in the snow and falling on her ass.

"Killian?" She saw him turn. "Killian please, wait." She stopped a good ten feet away to try to get her breath back.

“Emma --” Under the glaring boathouse lights, he still had that tight-jawed, desperate look he’d had upon leaving the house. He had looked like that too much in the Underworld.

“Just wait, okay? Look. I’m sorry. I’m not -- I’m not angry at you, okay? I know how it sounded, but I’m not. I just saw what you were doing and I got scared, and I didn’t think before I said anything. I had no business getting on a high horse about it. I know that.” Emma blinked snowflakes and tears out of her eyes. Seeing the dream-catcher, seeing in it Killian’s memories from the vault of the Dark One, the unrelenting horror of those endless minutes, had jarred her into panic, brought back things that she had spent weeks trying not to think about. It seemed that she hadn’t been the only one. Emma saw him take a breath and bulled ahead. “So can we just -- just keep talking? Instead of whatever you’re thinking about doing?”

He flinched. "Of course."

"Don't say that."  

"Swan, do you want to talk or not?"

Emma closed her mouth, her eyes, her hands for a moment before saying what she should have said back at the house. "Yes. I want to talk. Do you?"

"I don't know."

"Okay." She was close enough to see his half-closed eyes, the dip of his head avoiding her gaze. Her throat hurt, but she let the quiet stand, mastered the urge to fill it with more explanations -- that she had thought he must still blame her, resent what she had done as the Dark One. That erasing that memory must be the only way he could think about living with her. That she had panicked and gone on the offensive.

“I'm sorry," he said.

"For being human? Or for what I did? I'm sorry, too. For all of it."

“I know, and that’s… that’s not the reason, at all.” He closed the remaining distance between them in a few steps. "So what now?"

"I don't know." She reached out a hand anyway. “But I do know that I freaked out back there, and I said things I didn’t mean. Because I’ve thought about doing the same thing, sometimes. About just forgetting things, it would be so easy, but once you start doing that, where does it stop. Before you do, could you maybe talk to Archie, or to somebody?”

“Aye.” He leaned his forehead against hers. "That’s sensible..” After a moment he said, “I've never run from anyone but you."

Emma summoned a wobbly smile. "I'm that scary, huh."

"Terrifying. Nearly as soon as I met you, I knew -- a glance from you might lay bare a century of poor excuses."

"But you always come back."

"Aye, and the better for it."

They stood collecting snow for a few more moments before Emma said, "My feet are freezing. Can we go home?" They weren't done with this, but she didn't need to push right now.

"We can. Though as long as we're here,” he raised his head to glance seaward, “I ought to speak to Captain Nemo before they cast off."

"I guess. What for?" She took his hand and twined her cold fingers through his. This was all she had really wanted.

"He gave me some very good advice, earlier today. That I failed to take it does not lesson the gift."

"All right. I've never been on a submarine."

Killian led the way down the wharf to where the Nautilus lay. "I think you'll find this one rather differs from the usual run in this world."

*

"This is an unexpected pleasure," Nemo greeted them with a smile. "I won't question it, but I will see if one of my crew can find you a towel."

“Thanks.” Emma looked around the salon and tried not to drip on the velvet. “I didn’t think it would be this big on the inside.”

“Our voyages are long.” He waved at the iris window, the pipe organ, and the navigational instruments. “A vista for the eyes to rest upon, engagements for the mind, and a few other comforts are essential to good health.”

“It’s beauti--” Emma started to say, when a swirl of black smoke engulfed the far side of the room. “Gideon.” She started forward, hands already in position for spell-casting.

“Ah-ah,” Gideon admonished, throwing back his hood. “I’m not sure tossing magical blasts around inside a submarine is the best idea, unless you can all breathe water.” Elsewhere in the vessel, gears clanked and wheels spun.

“What do you think you are doing?” Nemo demanded, striding toward the invader. The Nautilus began to move.

Gideon smiled. “Getting the Savior out of the way. Enjoy your trip with her, captains.” The enigmatic sorcerer vanished again with a flourish of black robes.

“Bloody over-dramatic--” Killian started to say. The ship jerked; alarms sounded. He took hold of an exposed pipe to steady himself.  

“We’re submerging,” Nemo said. He stepped to the nearest speaking tube and issued a series of crisp orders. “Hold on to something.”

Emma grabbed the table -- it was bolted to the floor -- and said, “I can try to stop it if I can figure out what he did.”

“Too late,” Nemo said. “The portal is forming, and he’s locked the instruments. To attempt to shut things down now could damage the vessel fatally. Brace yourselves.”

Blinding light leaked around the edges of the window covering, and the shaking grew intense as the ship moved inexorably forward. The rumbling vibration drowned out any other sound as unsecured books and instruments slid from their shelves.

Emma had thought that nothing could be worse than traversing a portal on the open deck of a sailing ship, but as it turned out, doing so in a submarine topped it for sheer electric terror. Not being able to see the howling maelstrom around them did not ease her tension one bit. Her knuckles were white and her hands ached when the Nautilus’s headlong plunge slowed to a drift. The alarms continued. The deck slanted hard to the left. Emma let go her death grip on the table long enough to get over to Killian.

“You all right, love?” He gave her a concerned look, but appeared unhurt.

“Fine, you? Where are we?” Emma looked at Nemo as Liam came in.

“Damage report, Mr. Jones,” the captain ordered. He did not appear troubled by the room’s pitch or its continued slow movement.

“Full extent unknown yet, sir, but we hadn’t finished our preparations for launch. The port engine took damage, not sure yet how bad it is. We have some injuries among the crew, a broken arm is the worst of them. Also, we lost some of the supplies to a portside leak in the hold. Repairs are already underway while we look for more problems.”

Emma caught Killian’s flicker of smile -- almost identical to Nemo’s -- at this report.

“Excellent. I’ll be there in a moment.” Nemo looked at Emma and Killian. “If you’ll excuse me?” He and Liam departed.

“I guess we did want to change the subject,” Emma muttered. She edged across the sloped deck and hit the button to open the window. “Any idea where we are?” Deep water was all she could tell, with very little to see by and less to see, not even a passing fish.

Killian joined her. “Impossible to say without a look at the stars.”

“We gotta get back, we can’t be away from Storybrooke when he’s plotting… whatever it is he’s really after besides killing me. Can’t be good, right?”

“Presumably not.” He put an arm around her. “However, they’re a resourceful lot. I expect they’ll manage. As will we.”

“I hope so.” Emma leaned her head against his shoulder and stared at the empty ocean. “Why do I have the feeling that this is not going to be as simple as turning around and opening a portal to get back.”

*

“.... And finally,” Liam concluded his report, “we’re dangerously close to being out of fuel, with little to choose from in terms of nearby ports.” The ongoing engine repairs had corrected some of the submarine’s list, but not all of it. The other three seemed to be used to the slant and stood easily, but Emma kept feeling like she was going to slide downhill. Unless it was the prospect of being stuck in a drifting and powerless submarine in the oceans of the Enchanted Forest doing that.

“Thank you, Mr. Jones,” Nemo said. “That is quite thorough, as always.” He turned to Emma and Killian. “I’m afraid that getting you two back home will not be a simple endeavor.”

“Knew it,” Emma said. “Look, my folks are going to be freaking out. Henry is going to be freaking out. There’s a deranged sorcerer with the aesthetic sense of a high school theater geek running around town, and we need to get back there as soon as possible.”

“I understand. Unfortunately, opening a portal is a significant task. Even if the ship were undamaged, we do not have enough kraken’s blood to ensure that the portal would reach its destination. I would prefer not to deliver all of us to a netherworld between the realms if it can be avoided. It would quite waste the help you’ve provided by healing my injured crew.” Nemo smiled.

Emma shrugged off the thanks. “Fine. So what do we do now?”

“The first step is to find a kraken,” Killian said with an amused glint in his eyes.

*

While the Nautilus made its best speed toward the nearest known haunt of krakens, one of Nemo’s crew showed them to an empty cabin near the stern. The room reminded Emma of compartments on trains she had seen in old movies. It had a curtained porthole, two narrow bunks that could be folded down on one wall, and a desk and seat that could be folded down on the other. Even in what she had to assume was a room normally used by junior crew members, the fittings were well made and looked comfortable. The overhead electric light worked through a touch-plate in the wall. Once in a while the ship’s structure rang with a deep vibration. Emma hoped that was just Nemo getting out some frustration at the pipe organ, and not a sign that the whole contraption was going to come apart.

“Is this okay? The room?” she asked from the doorway. “Other than the fact that this thing runs on blood.”

“Your world’s automobiles derive power from gasoline, which is what again?”

“Uh… liquid dinosaurs. Point. The room, though?”

“It’s fine.” Killian let the curtain fall over the lack of view and gave her a puzzled look. “We’ve both had worse quarters.”

“Yeah, but. I don’t know. I thought maybe you wanted to be alone.” She shrugged. Now that the shock was fading, she couldn’t help but remember what had landed them on the Nautilus in the first place.

Killian shrugged. “We had a fight, Swan. Bit of a corker, granted, but that happens.”

“Well… we haven’t before, really.” She crossed her arms over her stomach. “Not since you moved in. I heard something once about not going to bed mad.” That had never been a possibility to worry about in her pre-Storybrooke years.

“I’m not. Are you?”

She uncrossed her arms and stepped into the room to sit on the lower bunk. “I don’t think so. I mean, other than at Gideon.” She felt hollow and exhausted and worried, but not angry.

“Well then.”

“Just like that? I don’t mean I want to start fighting again,” she added.

“Then we needn’t.” Killian sat down next to her. “It has been quite a day.”

“Yeah. Can I just ask what happened? That brought up all of… that stuff again.”

“Your visions.”

Emma cocked her head, puzzled, but he didn’t elaborate. She took his hand instead of asking further.

He brushed his fingers over hers. “You know, we are likely to argue now and again.”

“Yeah, but I guess I figured it would be about whose turn it was to take out the trash, or Henry’s curfew.”

“Still a possibility.”

“Great. Thanks.” She couldn’t help returning his smile. He kissed her hair. She tried not to worry.

*

It took them three days to find a kraken. The crew worked diligently at their repairs, but Emma couldn’t help noticing how nervous they looked, or the fact that the ship still tended to lean to port. Nemo gave them the run of the ship, took meals with them, and offered diverting stories about his travels in a dozen realms and about people he had met in the Land of Untold Stories. Emma did her best to be a good guest in return, but it was mostly on Killian to keep up the conversation. She used the mirror in Nemo’s salon to check in on events in Storybrooke more often than was probably useful. There wasn’t any sound, but she could at least reassure herself that they were all right. Between peeks at her family, she paced every corridor on the Nautilus until she felt like she was in the crew’s way, flipped through all of Nemo’s books, deeply regretted that she had worn a white sweater the other day, and envied Killian’s ability to wait.

“Centuries of practice, love,” he said with a grin, looking up from the book he was reading at the little pocket desk. “Isn’t this a bit like one of your… stake-outs?”

“I’m not stuck in an underwater Pringles can during one of those. And it’s not that I don’t like the ship,” she added to head off that argument. “It’s a lovely ship.”

“I am anxious to return as well, but worrying won’t be any help to your family.”

“I know. And I know they’re good at weathering things, but they’re cursed right now. Not exactly at their best.” She flung herself down on the lower bunk and stared at the curved ceiling, then propped herself up on her elbows to look at Killian. “How are you doing? For real?”

He took her meaning with a raised eyebrow. “Well enough. Why, are you looking for a distraction?”

“I wouldn’t say no.” And if he didn’t think it was weird, then neither would she. They could figure things out.

“Oh?” He closed the book and joined her.

“I miss sleeping with you. These beds are way too skinny.”

“I confess, I prefer our own as well. I think can make shift, however.”

They left the light on. Emma felt tentative at first. They went slowly until that became an end in itself -- small motions, gentle touches, whispers drawing out the affirmation they both craved.

“What are you thinking?” he asked later. They lay wedged together on the bunk, spoon fashion, which was fine only as long as Emma didn’t move more than an inch. If she did, she was going to end up on the floor.

“That time Zelena cursed you.” Come back to me. And he had, then and every time afterward.

“That was quite the day.”

“We’ve had a lot of them.” Emma turned over (carefully).

“Every one of them precious.”

She laughed and kissed him, pleased by the hunger of his response. Not so slow this time, they still tried to be quiet for the sake of the neighbors -- and very thoroughly distracted.

*

“Kraken!” came the word from the lookout, and all hands aboard the Nautilus scrambled to battle stations.

“They are, needless to say, dangerous,” Nemo said. “For their sheer size if nothing else. They must be taken with care so as not to waste the blood. A steady hand and sure aim are needed, and never a long struggle, or else this chase would be in vain.”

“I volunteer,” Killian said. Emma squeezed his hand.

Nemo gave him a thoughtful look and a half-bow, conceding the honor. “The first harpoon is yours, Captain. If this creature follows the usual pattern, we won’t have a long chase. If they even notice pursuit, they seldom run from it. They have nothing to fear from most of the vessels of this world.”

“How often do you have to do this?” Emma asked, staring at the dim shape on what looked an awful lot like a sonar panel. Although the Nautilus’ instruments seldom worked the way she expected them to, they were effective.

“Perhaps every other year, under normal circumstances. In the Land of Untold Stories, of course, nothing was ever truly depleted -- including my own life, fortunately,” he added with a wry look. “The kraken is a potent source of energy, but I fear that traveling between realms requires considerable resources.”

“Every method does have its price. “ Emma nodded. “Although by now we should get a frequent flier discount.”

They trailed the beast for another day before the watchers reported that the kraken appeared headed for the surface.

“Follow it up,” Killian ordered.

Liam looked like he wanted to object, but Nemo stayed him with a look. Liam glared back in silent outrage. Nemo gave a gentle shake of his head.

If he noticed this, Killian ignored it. “Quickly, gentlemen. Our window is closing. Shall we?” he said to Emma, who decided not to mention it. .

“Right behind you.”

The ship surfaced as quickly as its leaking mechanisms allowed, and broke the water just behind the kraken. As soon as the all-clear sounded, Emma followed Killian up through the hatch. The fresh air and sunshine on her face were intoxicating, however cold. From the water below she heard splashing, and someone yelled -- she hauled herself up the last few rungs and emerged just in time to see the harpoon reach its mark. The water boiled around the kraken. Amid the writhing tentacles was a rowboat, and it was occupied.

“Is that… Aladdin and Jasmine?” Emma shaded her eyes.

“Duck!” Jasmine yelled, swinging an oar over Aladdin’s head to fend off the dying kraken’s convulsions.

“Certainly appears to be.” Killian made sure the harpoon was fast to the Nautilus.

“I thought they went to Agrabah. What the hell are they doing out here?”

“I’ll find out.” He swung over the rail, took hold of the rope, and slid down to the rowboat and its hapless occupants.

“Show-off.” Emma shook her head and watched, ready to intervene magically if necessary. Jasmine’s Storybrooke coat made it seem unlikely that this was any kind of a trap, but she wasn’t planning to take chances.

“Normally we put out poisoned bait to slow the creature before closing in,” Liam noted, climbing up to lean on the rail next to her. “Less risk. But I suppose that’s one way to do it.”

“He doesn’t miss often. You haven’t gotten much of a chance to spend time together, have you two.” Emma hadn’t gotten a good read on Liam so far. A quiet, stand-offish young man, devoted to Nemo and their mission, he hadn’t ventured much by way of personal opinions before this. She was pleased to see him unbend a little.

“Not much, no.” He shrugged.

“And you’re still not sure you want to,” Emma guessed.

“I spent most of my life knowing no other family but the crew of this ship. To find it unexpectedly larger than I ever imagined is not easy to encompass.”

“I know how that feels.”

“I’ll get some of the crew to deal with our kraken.” He headed below.

“Are you guys coming on board or what?” Emma called down to the boat.

Aladdin took hold of the rope and began pulling them in toward the Nautilus. “What are you doing in the Enchanted Forest?”

“Trying to get the hell out of it,” Killian said. “What are you two doing out here?”

“We’re searching for Agrabah,” Jasmine said.

Emma looked at the expanse of water all around them and decided it was better not to say what she was thinking. “Just get up here so we can talk like normal people.” Which might not have been the best thing to say, either.

*

“So we have the kraken’s blood, but we can’t put the Nautilus through another portal before you get it fixed, because the damage from the last time might cave in on us like me stomping a tin can.” Emma looked from Liam to Nemo. The three of them, plus Killian and the two new arrivals, had gathered in the salon. Nemo had brought in a larger table and extra chairs.

“Essentially, yes,” Nemo said.

“Well, we have a genie now. We could get back the same way they got here.”

“Maybe.” Aladdin grimaced. “Princess Jasmine and I have spent the past two weeks tramping around the woods with nothing to show for it but blisters. Not sure that I’m your most reliable bet for transport.”

“Precisely. You are certainly free to take the risk yourselves,” Nemo said with the grave courtesy Emma had yet to see budge, no matter the circumstances. “I am too well versed in the price demanded by magical conveniences. I will not risk my vessel or my crew unless the alternative is certain death.”

“Given where I ended up thanks to Regina, I’ll give you the point. So we’re back to fixing the Nautilus.” Emma planted her hands on the table and stared at the map. “Where can we do that?”

“Agrabah..”

“.... Which is gone.”

“Their metallurgy is by far the best in this realm.”

“It’s not gone, it’s missing,” Jasmine said. “I know it’s somewhere. Jafar didn’t destroy it, he… he hid it, just to hurt me.” She clenched her hands.   

“This guy sounds like a winner.” Emma blew out a sigh.

“Jafar,” Killian said, sitting up straighter and tapping his hook against the table.

“What about him?”

“Find him, find Agrabah. Captain Nemo, your harpoon…? Whatever drives this Jafar in his villainy, there must some element of revenge in it.”

Jasmine grimaced. “There certainly is. He hates all of Agrabah for what his father did. I doubt his rage has abated over the past few years. But are you sure that’s a good idea? He’s quite powerful.” She looked doubtfully at Aladdin, who looked at the floor.

“He will not be a problem,” Emma promised grimly. “I really want to go home. How does this harpoon thing work? Do we have to stab him with it?”

“Nothing so violent,” Nemo said, setting down the case and lifting the lid.

“I like the sound of it,” Jasmine said.

“Another vote for the stabbing here.” Aladdin raised his hand.

“Murdering the man won’t save your city,” Nemo said.

“Stabbing. Not murdering. Totally different.”

“The sooner we find him, the sooner we can all be off your ship,” Killian put in. Nemo’s long-suffering look brightened, and he set the harpoon head spinning in search of a heart given over to revenge.

*

Another day passed. Her fuel tanks full, the Nautilus cruised toward whatever unguessable destination held the secret to vanished Agrabah. Emma spent most of the time in the library, where she soon lost track of both the hours and the thread of every book she tried to read. She gave up on an alchemy manual in favor of something lighter, but even that gave her a headache.

“If everything that happened in this world is in books back in my world,” she put down the book to stare at the cover, “are books in this world real in someone else’s world? And do they have books there, too? Is it a loop? If it stops, where does it stop? How many magic pens are we talking about here? And more important, do any of these people have any advice on fixing techno-magical submarines.” She belatedly realized that Aladdin had entered the library. “Hi.”

"Sorry, I didn't mean to... interrupt?” He backed up a step, then paused and looked around. “Talking to yourself?"

"Apparently. You’re not interrupting. At least, not anything that shouldn’t be interrupted.”  She swiped her hair back from her face with a sigh.

“Okay. I don’t suppose you’ve seen Jasmine about?”

“Not since breakfast, sorry.” She gave him a curious look, grateful for the prospect of a distraction.

“Hmmm breakfast.” He closed his eyes with a smile. “I have to say, running into you all was a stroke of luck. Neither of us is much of a forager. Always was a city boy, and I’m afraid I’ve gotten used to all of the Storybrooke conveniences. Another week, and I might have wished myself back there for a loaf of fresh bread and some apples.”

“I’m sure Nemo’s cook will be glad to hear it. The food is definitely a down side to traveling in this realm. I’ve eaten some unpleasant things back in our world, including convenience store hot dogs, but at least I knew what most of them were.”

He hovered for another minute, looking at the nearest shelf. “Any recommendations? I fancy an airy setting. This place is a bit on the cramped side.”

“You could always go back in your lamp for a change of pace.”

“Not an improvement. Soft cushions, mind, but the place soon starts to whiff a bit.”

“If you’re looking for something to read, you can have this one.” She passed it over. “It’s got dragons. Lots of air.”

“Uh… thanks.” He settled on the opposite couch. “So, what’s got you talking to yourself?”

“Oh… I don’t know. Trying to figure out how to get us all out of this and get home.” She hesitated. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt. “You know, sometimes I think I don't know how to do this."

"Do what?" He looked around with a puzzled look. “You’re doing great. Savior.”

Emma winced. “It’s not that, I’m kinda getting used to that thing. It’s life. I mean, it’s taken me years to figure out how to be a parent, and now there’s this whole other... thing. It’s the three of us now, not just me and Henry, and it’s different. Being with someone, living with someone, I've never done it before. People make it look easy. At least my parents do."

"Ah. Never really had those, couldn't say. Or the other, for that matter."

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh, it wasn’t all bad.” He clasped his hands behind his head and looked at the ceiling. The dim blue light through the portholes played over his grin. “The thieving part was fun. I mean, other than the hunger and fear and scavenging and so forth.”

“I know.” She changed the subject. "You trust her a lot. Jasmine."

He looked surprised. "I suppose so."

"You decided to become a genie to help her out. She could command you to do -- well, anything. You wouldn't have a choice." Memory made her guts coil unpleasantly, the helplessness and the quick-rising fury of the dagger's compulsion.

"She wouldn't do that. And I had to do something. Only way. Can’t run from it forever, right?" He fiddled with the cuffs on his wrists and looked over at Emma with a wry smile. “Golden shackles. Always thought the metaphor was a bit heavy-handed, to be honest.”

“Curses aren’t known for being subtle. How long have you two known each other?"

Aladdin scratched the back of his neck. "It's a little hard to figure out time exactly, what with one thing and another. Curses and so forth."

"That’s fair. How long did it feel like?"

"A month or so, I suppose. We met back in Agrabah, but then I was off fighting, and she had the kingdom.” He shrugged. “And then the weeks we’ve just spent in this, ah, delightful quest."

"Some people would say that's not very long." If he was trying to do something other than wear his heart on his sleeve, Emma thought he was doing a terrible job of it.

“Amazing what you can learn about someone when you’re camping in the wilderness.”

“True.”

Aladdin gave her an amused look, and Emma’s cheeks warmed; her expression must have given something away, too. They were a long way from Neverland. It had been twenty years since the last time she had even thought about settling down with anyone. Men were there to scratch an itch and then you moved on -- but she hadn’t, and he hadn’t, and it was their home, their family they were trying to get back to. And she certainly did trust him.

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about really,” Aladdin said with a faint smile as he got up. “Thanks for the book.”

*

“Er. Have you seen Aladdin?” Jasmine asked.

“‘Fraid not.” Killian glared at the chart. The harpoon had not wavered; whatever else he was doing, Jafar wasn’t moving around much. There wasn’t much out in this part of the ocean, however, and he was getting concerned. The longer this little jaunt took, the more the danger at home increased. He didn’t like to think of Emma’s family at the mercy of the Dark One’s son.

“Oh.” Jasmine sounded somewhere between relief and disappointment.

“You might try the library.”

“That’s a good idea.” She didn’t leave, though, just wandered around the room looking at Nemo’s instruments. “So, what’s it been like. Being in a relationship with a Savior.”

“Ah… eventful. Thought your lad there had resigned from the position?”

“He’s not mine. Not that it really matters.”

Killian gave her a skeptical look.

“Anyway, he did save me, and my city, for a time.”

“Fair enough.

“It’s a lot more than I did.” Her voice dropped to a whisper.

After a silence, Killian asked, “Do you know anything of Jafar that would explain his evident whereabouts?”

“I don’t know very much about him at all, other than that we ought not to underestimate him.”

“I’m sure Emma will prove his equal.”

“I hope so.”

Killian rubbed his forehead and restrained a sigh. “Your Highness, there is nothing in these waters but a few small islands. If we continue on our present course for more than two days, we will be in uncharted territory with a voyage of unguessable distance before us. This is occupying a fair portion of my thoughts right now, so if there’s something you want to get off your chest, could you please do so?”

“I ran away.” Jasmine clenched her hands and glared at the wall. “It’s all I’ve ever done. I made excuses, and then more excuses. And now I don’t know what to do. I can’t lead my people; can’t protect them, can’t even find them.”

“Possible that you’re being a bit hard on yourself.”

“I wish--” she stopped and looked around. “Is it safe to say that with a genie on board?”

“Better not to take the chance. Look, princess, believe me, I know what it’s like to feel like you’re not making the grade, so to speak. Fortunately or not, life never seems to tire of giving us opportunities to prove the opposite.”

Jasmine sighed. “After so long in the Land of Untold Stories, perhaps I’ve simply forgotten how to make mine progress.”

“Try Neverland someday. Or look at your choices and make a decision.” Decide to turn around, to follow, to go on, to come back.

Her mouth pursed, Jasmine refrained from immediate reply. Killian shook his head and focused on the charts.

Eventually she said, “The library?”

“Aye.”

“Thank you, captain.”

*

“The harpoon has found a destination,” Killian said. “Hangman’s Island.” He tapped the chart spread across the table.

“That’s not the name I know it by,” Nemo observed.

“Aye, well, it’s more used among a certain set.”

“Hangman’s Island?” Emma frowned and looked up at Killian. “Wait, isn’t that where Ariel was?”

“It was,” he emphasized. “If Jafar is there, let us hope that she is not.”

Their days of underwater travel had brought them to warmer climes. They prepared as best they could for the encounter. Killian borrowed a sword.

Emma pulled Jasmine aside as they prepared to disembark at sunset. “You don’t have to come along.”

“Of course I do.” The princess frowned. “This is about my city, my home. I won’t say I’m not afraid,” she said more quietly, “but I am coming with you. And I do have a genie.”

A genie with whom she had spent a good bit of the previous day in quiet conversation, at that. Not that Emma was one to pry, but she could hardly help noticing that the two Agrabahns did not maintain quite the same awkward distance that they had when they first came aboard.

“You also swing a mean oar,” Emma said. “Let’s go, then.” They joined Killian and Aladdin at the ladder. “Remember, the plan is to immobilize and interrogate. Best if we can take him by surprise.” She looked them over with a wince. Emma had borrowed a darker shirt from one of the crew, and Jasmine’s buff-colored coat would be okay until full dark, but there wasn’t any hiding a genie’s glitter, and they might need his power against Jafar. “Killian, maybe you should take point. You’ve been here before.”

“My pleasure.”

The island appeared peaceful. Their reconnaissance determined that it had only one building, and that building appeared to be uninhabited. The house was set back a little ways from a small beach. A pit and nearby stack of wood showed evidence of cooking fires. Emma left Aladdin on watch and went in first, magic ready, but the place was empty -- of people, at least; in all other respects it was monumentally cluttered. The whole of it was one room, a curtained bed, a table, and shelf after shelf of… stuff.

“Who needs this many corkscrews?” Jasmine wondered.

Killian shrugged. “Well, a broken cork could be tragic, under the right circumstances.”

Emma stifled a snicker and looked through more shelves of flotsam and jetsam. “You know, this all seems a little familiar somehow. Seventeen forks that don’t match?”

“Aye.” Killian frowned at a collection of glass floats.

Aladdin opened the door. “Someone’s coming. Not Jafar,” he added. “Two people. They’re talking.”

“Two? I bet we know who it is, then,” Emma said. They went outside, and in the last fading sunlight saw Ariel and Eric walking hand in hand up the path from the beach.

They stopped and exchanged a surprised look, then rushed forward. A jumble of greetings, hugs, and questions followed.

“What are you doing here?” Emma asked. “I would have thought you’d be back in your kingdom by now, it’s been…  months?”

“Oh, we’re just taking a little break,” Ariel said with a fond glance at Eric. “It’s nice to get away from the bustle of the court once in a while. I keep all of my best collections here, too, the currents are fantastic.”

“Must have been all that time under the curse,” Eric said with a laugh. “Guess I got used to a simple life, and to fishing.” He had a net slung over his shoulder, some of its contents still wriggling, and a basket of fruit in the crook of his arm. “This has the best of both worlds. But please do come in,” he added. “Whatever brings you to the island, our home is yours.”

He looked as happy as anyone Emma had ever seen. She almost hated to explain the reason for their visit, and did so as quickly as possible..

“Do you suppose…?” Eric said with a glance at Ariel.

“It must be this.” Ariel nodded and picked up a brass bottle from one of her shelves. “It’s the only thing I have that’s from Agrabah.”

“Only one way to find out.” Emma looked at Jasmine, who reached out to take the bottle.

She gave Aladdin a nervous look and got an encouraging nod in return, then rubbed her sleeve over the tarnished brass. A wisp of smoke issued out -- reluctantly, or was that Emma’s imagination? -- and took the form of a tall man in Agrabahn dress and golden cuffs.

“I am the genie of the lamp. Tell to me your wishes… three.” He paused. “I might have guessed.”

“Jafar. It really is you. What happened?” Jasmine stared at him. “How did you become a genie?”

Jafar closed his eyes in silent eloquence before saying, “I am bound by my curse to answer ‘hubris’ to that question, though I in no way concede such a premise. How may I serve you, o mistress of the lamp.” His glance veered to Aladdin. “Or is it mistress of the ex-Savior these days.”

Emma stepped between them. “Can it. I’m the only Savior you need to worry about today.”

Jafar smiled. “And why is that, exactly?”

“Because there are six of us here, and unless you answer my questions, we’re going to spend all day trading your lamp back and forth and finding new ways to make you regret being born.”

His smile widened, but there were daggers in it. “Oh, you have no idea. Ask your questions, then.”

Emma glanced at Jasmine, who raised her chin and spoke like a princess. .

“Genie, I command you. Tell me what you did to Agrabah.”

“Unobservant as well? You were right there, I’m sure you saw it.” He spread his hands. “The answer is in your hands, if only you had the wit to find it.”

“I wonder what happens when a genie punches a genie right in his smug mouth,” Aladdin mused. “I mean, we are immortal, right? We could find out.”

“Oh yes, let us.” Jafar moved toward him like a snake, but Jasmine threw herself between the two of them.

“Stop it. I command you. And answer my question.”

“I already did.” He flicked a ringed hand dismissively. “Agrabah is right where you left it.”

“You speak in riddles. Answer me plainly. You must!”

“Oh, but I don’t have to do that at all, mistress. Only accurately.”

Jasmine stared at him. Emma wondered if she ought to intervene, but suddenly Jasmine smiled and said, “Thank you, genie. I do have one more question. What is it that you want?”

For a moment it seemed that he would not answer, before he ground out, “I had it all within my grasp. If it takes a thousand years, I will have it again. Even a genie’s curse can be broken. I will find the means.”

“Indeed? Back in your bottle, genie.”

Jafar sneered and vanished in a cloud of smoke. Emma gave Killian a confused look and got one back.

“What--” she started to say.

“I know the answer now. Which just leaves the question of what to do with this.”  Jasmine picked up the bottle. “Back in the ocean?”

“It will only wash up somewhere else,” Aladdin said. “It’s how these things work.”

“I could keep it,” Ariel said. “I don’t need a wish.” She beamed at Eric, who blushed. “I’ll probably forget that it’s there, with all of this other stuff.”

“I guess that will have to do,” Jasmine said, though she looked doubtful.

“Great,” Emma said. “So… Agrabrah? Where is it?”

“Right here.” Jasmine held up her hand to show the ring. “This is part of my family’s regalia. It’s linked to the city, to the land. And now it is frozen within it. My wish worked, after all -- the way they do.”

“Sure. Fine. How do we get it out, then?”

“I don’t know, but I suspect a Savior can do it.” She looked at Aladdin.

“What? I keep telling you people, I’m not. I used the bloody shears! Destiny, no more, gone.” He gestured as if to someone leaving the room. “Bye.”

“I don’t know if we only get one destiny. Please, at least try.”

“You could just make a wish.”

“No. Nemo was right, it’s too dangerous. Please?”

“If it’ll make you feel better to embarrass me, all right.” He sighed and moved nearer. “Give it here.”

Jasmine slid the ring off her finger and held it up in the lamplight.

“Oh, it’s lovely. So glittery,” Ariel said.

Jasmine smiled. “It certainly is.” She slipped it onto Aladdin’s finger, as far as it would go.

Aladdin blinked and gave her an uncertain smile. Emma and Killian exchanged raised eyebrows.

Aladdin held his hand over the ring like a conjurer. “Uh, abracadabrah. Mellon. Pretty please? You see? Nothing.” His voice softened. “Jasmine. I would like nothing better than to give you back our city. You deserve nothing less for everything you’ve done. And there’s nowhere else I would rather be than defending it with you, trying to fix everything I did wrong. But I --.”

A wind rose from nothing to a howl that shook the house. Everyone stared at the ring, which had begun to glow. Emma had to shield her eyes, protection spells dancing at her fingertips, but the noise and the shaking died as abruptly as it had begun.

“Uh… what just happened?” Ariel said.

“You did it.” Jasmine threw her arms around Aladdin and kissed him.

A wash of rainbow light burst out from the two of them, over the house and all of Ariel’s things,and was gone. When it faded, the golden cuffs were gone from Aladdin’s wrists.

End of Chapter 1

[spryfilm]

“The Frozen Dead” (2017)

TV Series/Drama/Thriller

Episodes: Six

Created by: Gérard Carré , Pascal Chaumeil and Caroline Van Ruymbeke

Featuring: Charles Berling,  Julia Piaton,  Pascal Greggory

It is fair to say that television crime dramas, in particular foreign language crime dramas are now a dime a dozen, they exist in almost every language covering a variety of normally brutal and heinous crimes. These international television shows seemed to begin with the Nordic Noir genre that started with the excellent “The Killing” (2007-2012) from Denmark which itself was re-made in the US as a hit there. What followed was a myriad of not only crime, but political stories primarily from those Nordic countries that attempted to originate new stories as well as sympathetic flawed people who were only one step behind their quarries. These whodunits spread throughout the world expanding beyond their origins with many variations on a theme, one of the most successful English language versions being “Broadchurch” (2013 -2017) from the UK featuring David Tennant and Olivia Coleman.

What all of these shows have in common in terms of plot and narrative is rather simple, with most of them obviously created with an ending in mind, sometimes that ending (as well as revelation) can be shocking enough to come out of left field where no viewer may expect the story to end up. The other thing that these narratives have in common is an almost endless supply of red herrings that keep an audience guessing throughout what can seem like an endless amount of episodes. As a viewer i find not only the amount of episodes as well as the endless amount of suspects exceedingly frustrating.

Now comes the latest in this tradition, this time from France with a show that has as its backdrop the beautiful Pyrenees Mountains which become a character using the isolation of an area unlike many other similar shows. “The Frozen Dead” (originally titled  “Glacé”) broadcast in France in January 2017 is different to many of the genre shows around, it is only six episodes and the landscape is amazing, there are seemingly parallel storylines which make sense and are linked as are the performances which are superb.

“The Frozen Ground” (2017) is set in the Pyrenees where the corpse of a headless horse is discovered 2,000 meters up a mountain strung up atop a cable car. The investigation is entrusted to Captains Martin Servaz of the SRPJ of Toulouse and Irène Ziegler of the National Gendarmerie . Not far from here, young psychiatrist Diane Berg begins psychotherapy sessions with Julian Hirtmann, a dangerous serial killer arrested years ago by Captain Servaz and now incarcerated in a high security prison.

The story itself does not lend itself to a deep description here as that would only lead to spoilers, this show is definitely more enjoyable by not knowing what is going to happen next, as well as what the relationships between all the major as well as the minor characters are at the beginning of the story.

This show is expertly directed by Laurent Herbiet as well as being beautifully photographed by Dominique Bouilleret who both use the geographic location of the Pyrenees, as not only a unique backdrop for the action but also incorporate it as a character to visually show the audience the kind of isolation that each of the separate characters are going through as they progress through the main story as well their own separate narratives. Herbiet really does know this story, which is reflected in the tight storytelling as well as the time that is given over to not only each character, but also their importance within the narrative, which is linked directly to the plot. This last point may seem self evident but it is a consistent weakness with many other crime dramas, they can get lost within their own story as well the meaning that story has in relation to the actions that they take.

As well as the characters being spot on, the cast has been chosen very well, Charles Berling as the main protaganist, Martin Servaz becomes increasingly sick as the story unfolds, with the realisation that the motivation of the protagonists starts coming together. The second lead is Julia Piaton as Irène Ziegler whose motivations and background become more relevant and apparent as she works her way through what starts as a simple animal death. Piaton and Berling work together as a one two punch as well as any onscreen partnership ever has. On the other side of the story we have the mesmerizing as well as menacing Pascal Greggory as serial killer and somewhat mentor Julian Alois Hirtmann who operates almost entirely from two rooms in an asylum – he acts with such limited physical support that you would forgive him for being one note, but trust me he isn’t, he offers such a well rounded performance you will be wondering what his motivations are right to the end. Finally, the rest of the supporting cast are all great, with varying performances that change a lot right from the first episode to the last without a hint of insincerity or shenanigans by the writers of the series. For me I must say I always find it a real refreshing feeling to see actors I have never seen before especially when they are in a project this good.

The writing on this show is actually one its top strengths which may seem obvious but in fact by time something this complex gets to the screen the heart of it can be removed by over zealous producers and directors, but that is not the case here. This has as I have said greta characters but it also has them making honest decisions, in particular the son of one of the suspects has some incredibly hard things to come to terms with, and i think his performance for me is the most real as is the conclusion he comes to – that is all down to the decision made by the writers.

As I have already stated this is a really good crime series with very little in the way of false leads or starts, it ratchets up the thriller aspects while never coming up short on plot elements that propel the story along, at times very quickly. It also creates space for real character moments that ring true not only to the story but to each of the characters that they interact with. As with any modern crime story the ‘heroes’ are flawed but find their way through life by clinging (desperately sometimes) to positive aspects of life whereas the similarly flawed ‘villains’ are almost nihilistic in nature, illustrating there is indeed a thin line between the good and the bad. This is a show that is easily re-watchable, unlike other genre shows due to its fast pace and relatively short episodes both the number and length. I recommend this highly not only to watch but is well worth the investment to own a copy.

“The Frozen Dead” is available now on DVD.

Charles BERLING Julia PIATON

DVD review: “The Frozen Dead” (2017) “The Frozen Dead” (2017) TV Series/Drama/Thriller Episodes: Six Created by: Gérard Carré , Pascal Chaumeil and Caroline Van Ruymbeke…

[bigjohnsadventuresintravel]

Deep Inside Waimea Valley and a Deadly Game of Checkers

Beads of sweat began streaming down my brow as I meticulously plotted my next action. If I moved diagonally to my right, I could capture my opponent’s stone and land in a spot not threatened by any of his forward-moving advances. I was running short on options at this point in the game, so this move just had to work. By making this play, I would brilliantly force him into a corner. From that point on, he would be playing purely from a defensive posture. I would have him tight against the ropes and victory, along with that sweet taste of freedom, would finally be in my grasp!

Big John keeps his poker face as he plays a very deadly game of checkers.

With a trembling hand, I gingerly lifted my white coral rock from the slab. I hesitated before moving, just long enough to steady myself and peer directly into his sinister eyes. I needed to witness the humiliation on his face as his lowliest captive beat him at his very own game. I wanted to observe his complete and utter shame as the village’s waterboy spanked him in front of every single member of the tribe. I would make him sorry…

sorry he ever took me prisoner; sorry he made me haul water down from Holikamoli mountain during the hottest part of each day; sorry he made me dance in that scratchy grass skirt and coconut bra every night, just to make the grandmothers laugh…

Oh yes, he would be sorry!

Back during my dancing days (I’m really not proud of this).

My opponent met my gaze and our eyes locked for what seemed an eternity. In a single strategical hop, I bounded over his small piece of black lava rock and then gleefully removed it from the board. What was that? Did I detect a bit of fear in those dark, mischievous eyes? Actually, I didn’t observe anything like that. Shifting rearward in his seat, the powerful man threw back his shoulders and broke out in a bellowing laugh. He then picked up one his pieces positioned just behind mine, curled his upper lip, and swiftly hopped over all of the chunks of white coral remaining on the board.

“Hey, you can’t move backwards!” I protested. “I never kinged you!”

“Can’t I?” he replied. “I didn’t need you to king me. I have been king of this village long before you ever arrived”.

As much as I hated to admit it, I really couldn’t argue with the man’s superb logic. King Millivinilli most certainly was the king of the village, which meant I was most certainly playing by the king’s rules.  The established terms of King Millivinilli’s game of checkers were very deadly, albeit rather simple ones. Unbeknownst to many, the people living in Waimea Valley have a long-standing tradition that goes back hundreds of years. Whenever one of their captives loses his usefulness, or entertainment value, he is forced to play the king in a high-stakes game of checkers. If the captive wins the game, then he also wins his freedom. If he loses the game… well, then that poor soul also loses his life.

So there I was, blind-folded, gagged and hog-tied to a pole like the main attraction at a Friday-night luau. With torches lit and drums-a-beating, the long procession of villagers began careening up the winding path towards the top of fiery Mount Chilichanga.  With each step carrying me ever closer to the volcano’s mouth, the heated air became more and more stifling. I could scarcely breath any longer. I felt myself drifting in and out of consciousness.  Was this really the end?

Will Big John face an agonizing death by being cast into the mouth of Mount Chilichanga? Will he fool the King and completely turn the tables around? You’ll just have to keep reading to find out more!

Having never really been a fan of human sacrifices, especially when they involve me plunging headlong into a lava pool, I had mere seconds to devise a plan of escape. As fate would have it, there was just one more trick concealed inside of my trusty little…

Okay… Okay, I am sorry but I’m going to have to stop this story right here. As some of you may already know, there aren’t really any active volcanos anywhere near Waimea Valley. Admittingly, I made that part of the story up, but the rest is pretty much factual. To be completely honest with you, Rebecca said she wasn’t going to let me post any of these pictures if she caught me so-called “bending the truth” anymore.

The truth is Rebecca doesn’t really even know the entire story. Honestly, she has no idea what even happened here.  As I was falling victim to the crime of the century, all she could worry about was if the foodtruck would still be selling kalua pork when we finished the hike. Yes, she did enter into Waimea Valley with me, and she did accompany me on most of the trail towards the falls; however, she missed a whole lot of very important events along the way.

Rebecca standing at the entrance of the Waimea Valley Visitor’s Center

As is evident from the picture above, Rebecca did enter into Waimea Valley with me. What that picture doesn’t show, nor is it revealed in any of the other pictures, was just how distracted Rebecca was during our entire hike towards the falls.

I captured this photo when I first stumbled into King Millivinilli’s village. Rebecca wasn’t with me at the time because, as expected with someone so great with child, she had to walk back to the visitor’s center to use the potty.

Rebecca still wasn’t anywhere nearby when King Millivinilli, along with fifty of his men, sprang from this hut and violently captured me at the tip of their spears.

As you can clearly see here, Rebecca was still nowhere in the vicinity when the king had me bound with ropes and dragged over those large boulders towards my bamboo prison.

Rebecca may have reached the village by the time this picture was taken. However, she was dealing with a melting ice cream sandwich so she definitely was oblivious to any of her surroundings.

This is just a picture of a hut where King Millivinilli’s men made all of their canoes. There was really nothing nefarious to see here, I think we can move on.

Aha! This is the hut where the king kept me captive. If the camera was of better quality and the picture wasn’t so dark, you would clearly see me tied to the center pole inside. The only thing you wouldn’t see in this picture is Rebecca, because once again, she just happened to be nowhere in sight!

A picture of Big John’s former prison (after making his escape).

It was near this reprehensible spot that I was first made to dance for the grandmothers (I guess Rebecca missed all of that too).

Look I can go on and on, displaying every single graphic and disturbing photo chronicling my time spent here in captivity. But for what purpose? I think by now, my readers can clearly see that something very ugly and very sinister went down here in the valley. As far as Rebecca is concerned, we will just leave her clinging to her false sense of security.

This was the very last picture I took as I fled from that ancient village. I am not ashamed to say it, that even after all this time, the place still gives me nightmares.  I finally located Rebecca just a few hundred feet up the trail. She had been chasing a rainbow and some Kamahameha butterflies.

After making my harrowing escape, (the details of which I may later disclose in the absence of any skeptics), the remainder of our trek to Waimea Falls was peaceful and uneventful.

Along the way we viewed alluring red flowers blooming amongst the ferns.

We gazed across a lively pond teeming with lilly pads.

We walked under the boughs of a great banyan tree and found some relief in the shade.

Along the way, we observed bunches of bananas ripening in a tree.

We saw palms that stood over the jungle like the necks of great dinosaurs.

Along the way we saw other great palms with branches that spread out like magnificent fans.

We even encountered a man who could skillfully fashion select pieces of God’s creation into beautiful leis.

Near the end of our trail, we encountered two women weaving some lovely baskets from the nearby reeds.

  During our trek through Waimea Valley, we experienced so much more than most could ever imagine.  Since Rebecca would unequivocally deny much of the horrors the beseiged me here that day, I will leave you to remember the pictures we took of the more pleasant stuff along the way. However, should you feel daring enough to explore more of my mishaps and unmentionable escapades, please visit my site under the category: Tall Tales and Big Fish Stories.

Big John and Rebecca at Waimea Falls

Thank you for visiting Big John’s Adventures in Travel! I hope this post inspired you to pack those bags and set out on an adventure all of your own making.

Mahalo and happy travels,

Big John

[beccarobs]

What about the Wolves?!

There is constantly so much chaos going on in the world and often times, we all tend to overlook the important things. For example, what about the wolves? Now, I’m sure most of you are familiar with the reintroduction of wolves to Yellowstone National Park, and the positive impact it had on the ecosystem. However, this isn’t about that. This is about the wolves that go unnoticed. The following is a list of Wolves ranked in order. 

1. Governor Tom Wolf

Tom Wolf is the 47th Governor of Pennsylvania. Governor Wolf has been focused on three simple goals: jobs that pay, schools that teach, and government that works. Over the past two years Governor Wolf has fought to increase funding for Pennsylvania schools by nearly $840 million while implementing a fair funding formula, in order to begin reversing the devastating $1 billion in cuts made to schools five years ago. He has expanded health care access to 715,000 Pennsylvanians, including increasing the number of insured children by 20%. Wolf is “for the children” like The Wu Tang Clan. Working diligently to fight the disastrous opioid epidemic, he is still chill a chill dude, so he legalized marijuana. 

2. The Hungry Wolf (from the popular Duran Duran Song, “Hungry Like The Wolf”)

This hit jam was released in 1982 and has been turning people on ever since (according to the redundant YouTube commentary). It won’t get the party started, but it sure will keep it going. It addresses the honest animalistic nature of dating and sexuality. I’m sure this song also reminds you of your mom. Plus, it has been featured in popular movies, such as “Big Fat Liar” starring Paul Giamatti and who can argue with that. 

3. A Lone Wolf

According to the widely trusted source, Wikipedia, “A lone wolf is a person that generally lives or spends time alone instead of with a group.” This term originates from observing real wolf behaviors, thus creating the euphemistic metaphor that wolf behavior and human behavior are synonymous to one another (despite zero biological evidence for this [I am not a licensed scientist.]). “Normally a pack animal, wolves that have left or been excluded from their pack are described as lone wolves.” Lone wolves (the people, not the actual wolves) hold their niche is society, as people are often exclusive. People who can be independent and kick ass despite being beaten down or left out are kickass people. However, everyone loves being accepted, and where there are lone wolves, there are other lone wolves, and hopefully they can collaborate into a cohesive wolf pack, like in the movie “The Hangover”. 

4. Endangered Wolves

These guys are obviously overlooked. Being endangered isn’t chill, but I’m sure these sad, dying, little wolves are. I guess I don’t know how chill wolves are firsthand, and due to the headlines about them attacking children, we can assume that seems pretty chill to some people. #SaveTheWolves

5. Wolf of Wall Street

Although the man who inspired this nickname (Jordan Belfort) is a criminal, it was a pretty phenomenal feature length film directed by Martin Scorcese and starring Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo was accompanied by a stacked cast in the undertaking of pretending to do hard drugs and insider trading for the entire 3 hours of the movie. Fun fact: The word “fuck” and its numerous conjugations are said between 506 and 569 times, making this the film with the most uses of the word in a mainstream, non-documentary film. Plus, I wrote a paper about this movie without even seeing it and got an A+. The only teacher commentary was, “Have you finished the movie?” (Because I hadn’t, and didn’t talk about the consequences he incurred. Oh well.) While maintaining a 77% approval rating, it’s apparent that this should clearly be ranked.

7. Werewolf 

Werewolves are like the Transformers of mythical creatures. This is a public service announcement on all of the ways you can become a werewolf, according to the world’s most trusted source, Wikipedia:

The removal of clothing and putting on a belt made of wolfskin.

The body is rubbed with a magic salve. 

Drinking rainwater out of the footprint of the animal in question or from certain enchanted streams.

By draining a cup of specially prepared beer and repeating a set formula.

On a certain Wednesday or Friday, slept outside on a summer night with the full moon shining directly on his or her face.

Here’s ways I think you can transform into a werewolf:

Applying Rogaine frequently and excessively, covering one’s entire body while also ingesting a lot of various amphetamines.

Having a boner lasting longer than 4 hours, with no access to a doctor.

Having hairy and angry Eastern Eurourpean ancestors accompanied by a drinking problem that causes you to wear clothes that are too tight.

Dress up for Halloween. 

Witches and curses and stuff, duh.

6. Wolf Blitzer

Reportedly one of the least buzzworthy news anchors on air today, Wolf Blitzer is just trying to do his best. I really appreciate whomever cuts his hair, and I appreciated his befuddlement when Trump “won” the election, despite the backlash he received on Twitter. Also rumor has it that he’s a Ween fan, so points to him for listening to that. But milk toast can no longer be praised in our country, we deserve better than boring. Sorry Mr. Blitzer, I still like your haircut.

8. Teen Wolf

All teenagers are nightmares. That’s a fact. And I don’t know much about this popular Teen Wolf, except that instead of puberty hitting him, he is faced with folkloric nonsense and excessive chest hair growth. I’m not sure if he’s violent, or good at sports. But he is a teenager, and that is bad enough. 

9. Big Bad Wolf

His name defines his character, which is cool because it is kind of like a heads up for his unpredictable shitty behavior. First of all, these three pig brothers (we can assume this because they are doing serious construction work, a stereotypically male profession) built these houses on their own, with their bare hoofs. I can’t imagine building anything without thumbs could be very successful, and I’m now revealing a plot hole that I think has gone unnoticed. Maybe the fact that they were pigs negatively impacted the structural stability of these homes, leaving them more vulnerable to strong wolf winds. Regardless, it was not the pigs’ fault. He huffed, and puffed, and blew those homes over, without any appreciation for the diversity of architecture or material. Also, what is the point of that fable? If I remember it correctly, which I probably am not, the moral is just that you should build your home with brick and not hire pigs as your architects or carpenters.

10. Wolf from Little Red Riding Hood

Although great at deception, and having the ability to talk to humans, we cannot forget that he swallowed an entire grandma. He also followed a little girl through the woods and stole her baked goods. The most probable wolf to encounter, and thus the worst. 

Spread awareness about the wolves. Tell your friends. Tell your coworkers you don't like. I know you'll tell your mom. #wolves