#hella self indulgent and I’m so happy people seem to be enjoying it!

[blaithnne]

ok i forgot that goldie isnt canonically 5'1 on a good day so i have to restructure this ask

1) thoughts on short goldie

2) is heron short also

3) (contingent on answers 1 and 2) thoughts on scrooge and beakley both falling for tiny evil women

1) & 2)

I think the toxic yuri polycule height chart is something like this—!

They all wear heels so it’s not exact (also I whipped this up in like 5 minutes lol)

Huifen is tall, she’s a black heron after all, and though they’re not the tallest birds ever they’re still pretty long! But she looks short standing next to Beakley, because everyone does (also I undersized her a little bit in my first human drawing by accident, whoops). Goldie is a short queen LMAO, she’s not minuscule, only slightly shorter than the average person, but she looks tiny next to these two (she might be slightly shorter than I drew her here, idk, I struggled to scale her LOL). Scrooge, for the record, is around the same height as Goldie!

In terms of their builds btw, Beakley is, obviously, very muscular! Though she might seem like a tank, she’s actually very soft — big ol squishy teddy bear! Heron on the other hand is a gangly mf, long, skinny, and sharp. Goldie is sort of in between them, an hourglass build like Huifen, but with more muscle on her (not half as much as Beakley, though).

3)

Heron might not be tiny but Beakley treats her like she is, picks her up like a feral cat when she’s being too much 😌 Scrooge and Goldie only have a very slight height difference, but I think he’s very smug about it lol

Also, my funniest headcanon ever is that Beakley has a thing for bad girls, and she HATES IT. She’s so embarrassed about it and fully intends to take it to her grave. This also leads to her hating the aforementioned bad girls even more, bc she’s so frustrated with herself for liking the in the first place. So Beakley can spend 24 hours a day ranting about how much she hates someone, and be blushing the entire time. All this to say, Beakley might not technically have a leg to stand on when it comes to criticising Scrooge’s relationship, but that doesn’t stop her.

I think they’re both massive hypocrites about it, bc they wanna protect eachother despite the other really not needing the help. They’re also endlessly frustrated with eachother’s toxic Yuri partners. Beakley to a much bigger degree because she definitely has a thing for Goldie, which only makes her hate her even more. Scrooge is more annoyed by Beakley and Heron than anything else bc he just does not understand what the hell is going on there, but he’ll also occasionally be all,

In conclusion, Beakley and Scrooge being a disaster sibling duo is my favourite thing ever. Scrooge is practically immortal, nothing can take him down. Beakley is a walking tank, she could walk off a bullet. They looked at eachother and went “that idiot needs me to protect them from their own love life” and they were kind of right??

[certifiedceraunophile]

Hi! A fan of your writing here. I just love the way you write Caroline. An Avoidable Heart is my comfort fic and I am constantly in awe with the way you write and craft the dynamics in that story. Caroline's inner monologue is just priceless and God! I just love that intro scene where Caroline is walking into the Mikaelson compound with vampires and hybrids in the surrounding ready to pounce on her.

I would love to hear how you would have visualized Caroline crossing over into TO or not? Like in what season and why? How it would have likely gone?

Thank you!

First of all lovely anon gimme a moment to breathe, asdfghjkl why are people so lovely 😭😭🥺✨ It means sooo much to me that you’d take the time to jump into my inbox and send these kind words, like please I’m not worthyyyyy, But you make me smile and feel really freaking warm so *handcuffs your hand to mine* you aint leaving 💖✨💞🙃

But OK ALSO oh my god dude THAT CAROLINE WALTZS INTO THE COMPOUND AND TAKES ON A COUPLE HUNDRED VAMPIRES BY HERSELF SCENE???? Ughhhhh I’m sorry but I have SUCH a boner for Caroline in that, like my badass -I admit kinda op- QUEEN IS HERE and she’s fucking shit up, I’m sorry but I love that scene so much it’s so dear to me I was killing myself over how self-indulgent and grossly Over powered Caroline is but like idgaf man it’s such a hot scene and Caroline is practically invincible and we just love to see that, so seriously lovely anon, you telling me you LOVE that scene??? Puts the biggest smile on my face and reassures me a LOT bc I was whining and cribbing over how absolutely unbalanced that scene is to literally everyone BUT LIKE YOU JUMPING OUT OF NOWHERE and pointing that exact scene UGHH…...meant to fucking be the both of us 💖💞✨

And ALSO Caroline’s monologue is quite honestly the easiest inner monologue out of the three voices I wrote for that work, Klaus’s is the real pain in the ass tbvh like it is NOT easy writing pretentious besotted losers with a Kardashian complex especially when you need to make them sound cool when they’re the lamest OP dude bros to ever exist - and no I don’t hate Klaus although I seem to try my darndest to convince ppl I do- I just personally believe that a feral fucker like that with a thousand years of existence under his belt can grow a pair and graduate from his kindergarten level of emotional maturity to adult sometime soon, But then on the flipside he’s so grossly adorkably smitten and feral for Caroline plus hella horny for her all the time that its usually easy to write the trashed and devoted idiot he is into something pretentious and powerful and potent when relating to his unflappable arrogance and his narcissism, but sometimes I also need him to be *deep* and ffs profound for the sake of the plot and jfc my muse just wont work with me on that, she’s like I’m sorry I’m not about to bust my ass to make this mongrel intelligible like no sir all I wanna do is make him uncomfortably horny for Caroline and leave him like that.

So smh yeah the struggle is real….but lmao Caroline is just so precious and fiercely protective and just so achingly lonely in that story, so desperate for connection and trust and intimacy yet so guarded and impervious to everyone like it hurts me to write her like that but it really challenges me as an author to balance out her inherent light with the “void” I create in her and through her, so yeah it’s a very fulfilling task and I wouldnt change it one bit, and also I had to balance out her physical op-ness w half a millennium of the ugliest emotional trauma lol so I guess that figures, but the point being….once again I am overjoyed knowing that you liked a facet of the story that I tried so hard to make as authentically Caroline and achingly real and moving as I can and I cannot possibly feel more accomplished than rn for it so ty ty ty ty for reaching out to me and telling me *tackle hugs* It makes me GIDDY knowing that you enjoyed that particular part of the story like ugh stab me please you're too sweet.

And ok NOW, coming to The Originals part of the ask, (also please note that when I say TO headcanon; Hope does not exist, Hayley is a dead in a ditch and ofc Klaus will stop being that lil bitch they tried to pawn off as Klaus in TO) 

HEADCANON 1

Honestly my biggest headcanon when it comes to TO crossovers somehow always include non-humanity!Caroline like it’s just so perfect to me?? The opportunity to make shit BLOW UP b/w them like imagine the DEBAUCHERY, the heat, the SEXUAL TENSION, the repression of one Klaus Mikaelson, the EXPLORATIONS, and omg the role reversal when Klaus has to be the voice of moral reason between them and not bc he believes Caroline would not be able to stand herself if she does something heinous and monstrous but bc he wants her to be completely and utterly herself, and yk *aware*, when she DECIMATES ppl to the ground and is in full-on predator mode, like he wants her monster to come out and play with him when no part of Caroline is locked away or suppressed, so obviously when she is w/o her humanity KLAUS exercises restraint on her behalf, like can you imagine that, Klaus restraining himself and being the vague, extremely broken and just largely inaccurate moral compass between the two of them for ALL the wrong reasons- and the entirety of NOLA just standing there watching him herd this baby vampire who seems to be intent on riling him up and angering him when all she is doing is giving him a massive hybrid hard on, like IMAGINE THE GOODNESS of non-humanity Caroline wrecking NOLA and Klaus letting her wreck it bc he is helpless in the face of Caroline Forbes and also bc he is quite honestly *enjoying* the debauchery himself so why put a damper on the festivities.

-I might wanna add that I favour this headcanon a lot bc I genuinely do not even remotely *like* the idea of NOLA as Klaus's chosen place to set his roots so like I would love Caroline going to NOLA and destroying everything there just bc I detest NOLA and the storyline behind it in TO. (yes is it petty? Obvi, but like I am a petty soul and I make no apologies ma’am)

HEADCANON 2

So yeah that’s my main TO headcanon, but my other one being, one I talk about very frequently, scream about in tag rants to an obsessive level, and like this is a cracky one but still very valid, where Caroline rolls up to NOLA humanity intact and all, finds Hayley preggo and is just laughing her fucking ass off bc anybody ANYBODY, with half a brain and a two minute convo w klaus would know how UTTERLY stupid the entire baby shit is especially when it’s with an immemorable one night stand, and Caroline’s just losing her shit about how like an entire city is obssessed w this baby and she just straight up tells Klaus he’d SUCK as a dad (which he really does tho like he was a shitty fucking dad canonically too) and Klaus is just like *sigh* girl tell me about it. I mean basically he’s finally relieved that someone is on his side about the whole baby thing and how he definitely does not want his entire millennium of life to finally sum up to this one squalling leaking stinky infant/unicorn Hayley is apparently baking in her oven, and I say this headcanon is cracky bc klaus would never have put up w this mess long enough for Caroline to come in and sort it out, there’s this preferred method of disposal of his called heart ripping that would've been employed quite early on and honestly saved us all a lot of brain cells and minused years of life, bc let’s be real any Klaus who’s NOT a lil snivelling bitch wearing a Klaus skinsuit would’ve yeeted the baby and the mama first chance he got, and that’s just how I see it.

Lmao I really hope I didnt scare you away w my *strong* opinions Ik they can be a bit much but I enjoy having them so theyre not going anywhere, anyways this ask answer got WAYYYY too long but I’m hoping I answered your question well with this or atleast left you slightly confused and bemused over my feral screaming....either ways I’m really really really happy to have got your ask and the chance to rant so much bs, Twas cathartic and honestly I had nothing to do today so I was more than happy to dish this baby out for you. Thank you so much sweet anon for putting a smile on my face today I am absolutely HONOURED by your words you’sa cutie 💖💞✨🗣🗣

[seijojoh]

What is this? | S. Tomura

Pairing: Shigaraki x Fem! Reader

Synopsis: Shigaraki realizes his personal feelings for you, finally. At first, he is terrified. Someone with his quirk isn’t possibly fit for love,,, right?

Warnings: a bit of angst here, a few curse words there!  A/N: Idea was taken from a friend off of discord, so enjoy the first post on this tumblr blog! Also, to give a bit of clarification, Shiggy’s quirk is still effective against the reader and highly dangerous! Caution is needed for both parties. 

Also I apologize of Tomura seems a bit ooc for this, I just kind of changed his personality a bit as I went because THIS IS HELLA SELF INDULGENT! <3

Enjoy! This was not proofread lolol

There are no manga spoilers, but there are a few S1-S2 spoilers if you have not watched the anime yet!

Shigaraki felt stupid. Dense, ignorant, absolutely mindless!

Why did it take him so long to realize how absolutely captivating you are? The way your smile seems to brush away the storm clouds that used to follow him everywhere he went. You were so gentle, so kind, so... good. Part of him was concerned why you followed him and the league. The potential you hold is incredibly high and he was happy he acknowledged it the first day you walked into the dingy bar. It was only a day after he kicked out Dabi and Toga for a much needed contemplation. Giran introduced you to him and the moment the overworked leader laid his beady red eyes on you, he knew you were worthy.

Granted, it did not show - at least he hoped not. Father was still on his face, blocking out his features from the crowd in front of him. He studied you carefully as you explained your reasoning for joining, and much to his surprise you were there for him and not Stain or his master. You claimed you had high hopes for the League of Villains and would follow him anywhere.

Although he did not audibly voice his thoughts, he simply nodded once and told Giran to show you out. You were confused of course, but assumed he did not want you there after all. Part of you panicked and worried that your request to join was denied, that was until he told you that he will be in contact.

That was seven months ago. Seven months of pure confusion and absolute torture. In that time, he was overwhelmed by his own injuries sustained from the USJ attack, the failed Nomu experiments and his master finally being taken into custody. While he worried and thought over the future of the league, you were always there to offer him help, whether it was a few words of advice, a lending ear, or a head pat (he swears he hates them, and does threaten to disintegrate your entire arm for touching it - yet, he cannot help but relax at the feel). 

Either way, he believed you were a plague in his mind that needed to be taken care of. By the time he sought out Kurogiri for guidance, the personal taxi for the LOV informed Tomura that he may have growing romantic feelings towards you. 

Shigaraki only scoffed and slammed his unfinished glass of scotch on the bar before getting up and storming out of the space. Pfft, what was he talking about? Shigaraki and feelings don’t mix. He was a firm believer that they clouded judgement and with that, he could not carefully plan out the future for his team. How the fuck can feelings help him plan out his plot to completely demolish hero society?! And another- wait, what are you doing? As he walked through the upper floor of the hide out, he saw you and a couple of the other LOV members sitting on the dingy couch. The same one that has been left abandoned and sitting here for years, but everyone swears it’s the most comfortable thing on the planet. Regardless, he noticed that you, Dabi, Toga, Spinner and Compress were all seated on the thing, staring at the TV placed on the credenza. 

You were wedged between Dabi and Spinner, Dabi’s arm was thrown over the back of the couch, his fingers gently thrumming over the old material absentmindedly. Although he was not physically touching you, Tomura could not help the twinge of.... anger that started to grow in the pit of his stomach. You looked so comfortable next to him, too. Your thighs were properly rubbing against each other (only due to Dabi’s incessant need to man spread and take up a bit of the space you silently needed), as well as your sides. It looked as if he was cuddling you and you did not seem to mind. Granted, he knows your particular love for physical affection but, out of all people? Dabi? Really?

Why was this asshole so close to you? I don’t like it. Should he dust his ass and be rid of him once and for all?!

Of course, you noticed his anger radiating off of his body in waves by the door. You turned your head in his direction and gave him a warm smile.

“Hey, we’re watching a few movies. Come join us!” You offered with the sweetest smile, back straightening in effort. The others caught onto their leader by the door, all of them sitting in quiet anticipation for what Shiggy might do. 

He felt awkward, anxious if you will. Never before did he have all of these eyes staring at him, waiting for a response no less. Damn you, look what you have done now! Now his heart is racing, a pink color spreading from his cheeks to the base of his neck. What the fuck is happening to him? And why the fuck isn’t Father on his face?

With a scoff, he mumbled a quick “no” before turning back around and heading to a space where he knew he could not get pissed off easily. 

Why does he feel this way? In his silent march back to his room, he kept replaying the beautiful smile that graced your lips. It made his heart flutter seeing it, reminding him of an innocent time that felt like it was lifetimes ago. Or the interest that sparked in your eyes as you noticed him for the first time. It was as if you were a small child, seeing a wonder for the first time. Every bit of attention you showed to this man did not go unmissed whatsoever.

In fact, he craved those little reactions, especially when he was feeling particularly overworked or just pissed off by everything something. Now he’s done it and practically shot down your innocent request just because he saw a burnt chicken sitting next to you as if you two were casual lovers. No, he should be the only one close to you like that. 

Your attention should be on him while you were comfortable at his side as he plays different rounds on his video games. Maybe you can sneak in a praise or two on how well he’s doing, or how cool his avatar looks, yanno? A movie could hardly do the trick in entertaining you in the ways he could. You only needed him....

And he only needed you.....

“Fuck,” he said once he shut the door to his room.

~

A few days after his silent revelation, Shigaraki has been characteristically quiet,,, but times 100. He hardly gets angry to the stupid shit Spinner spits out. Sometimes he’ll full out ignore the sly comments Dabi makes about upcoming missions. It was not like him and everyone knew it.

You seemed to have it worse. Every time you made a move to converse with him, he seemed to send you a hard glare that kept you away. Normally you can get past an occasional scowl or scoff sent in your direction, but the eyes he looked at you were filled with pure annoyance. It made you wonder if you are the cause of his anger. Did you say something unwarranted before? Was the progress made not sufficient enough for the singular leader? What?

The root of his anger was within himself, moreso his quirk. The strong effectiveness of destroying everything he touches pissed him off to no extent. Has he no control whatsoever? 

He was always careful, always keeping a pinkie finger or thumb raised on an object to keep it from being destroyed. Kurogiri suggested he purchased gloves with a few fingers cut out to allow him the ability to use his full hand, but that wasn’t enough for the man. He wanted, no needed, to use his full hand.

His private training started with little things: a napkin from the bar, a random door stopper found in the hallway, even a broken lamp found in the back alleyway of the hideout. He’d sit there and concentrate on his quirk, pleading with his own cells to turn off his quirk, even for a few seconds. By the time his digits would touch the objects, they’d all crumble mere moments later. To say he was irritated was an understatement. 

He’d concentrate on absolutely fuck all onto for his quirk to activate without much effort. Was he doomed to ruin everything he touched? Is this punishment for past crimes Tomura committed in another life? 

What’s the point of having a quirk that absolutely wrecks everything he touches? 

Staring at the small pile of ash on the floor (formerly known as an old bar-stool and an empty bottle of bleach), he knew this was your fate if these feelings persisted. Not being able to provide the physical contact he knew you’d love and he so desperately needed. 

Tomura never touched anyone that he liked. Hell, up until recently, he didn’t know he liked you. His touches often resulted in people getting erased and the cold sensations that would run through his spine whenever he did would leave him empty. He wanted things to be different, only because he knew you were different. 

You deserved something better, not.... this. 

Frustrated, Tomura grunted softly and picked up the empty plate he was getting ready to practice on next. With his pinkie raised, he gripped the ceramic item and threw it directly into the nearest wall. What he failed to notice was the chipped corner with sharp edges on the plate, and it effectively left a nasty cut in the space between his pinkie and ring finger.

Passing by, you heard the commotion coming from Shigaraki’s room. With a frown you knocked on the door. “Shigaraki? What’s going on in there?” There was a heavy amount of concern in your voice.

Shit.

He decided not to answer, hoping his silence coupled with his shitty attitude from the last few days would be enough to send you away. But, it didn’t.

“Hey, I’m coming in, okay?” You announced, barging into a space you knew you were not allowed in. He watched with wide eyes as you scanned the event in front of you. There was an unmissable pile of ash by his feet, a dent from which he tossed the plate as well as its shards scattered across the form. When her eyes landed on his form, she took notice of his his bleeding hand being cradled to his chest. “Here, allow me-”

“Go away, scram. I don’t need you here,” Shigaraki turned away stubbornly, walking stomping angrily to his desk in search for some form of napkin to soak up all the blood on his hand. He did not hear you walk up behind him, hand on his shoulder as a sign of your stubbornness.

“You’re bleeding,” you announced as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet. As you crossed around him, you reached forward to take his hand but he recoiled away. 

“What the fuck are you doing? Do you have a death wish?” He angrily snarled, taking a step back. With a huff, you pressed forward, still reaching for him.

“I’ll be fine. Just let me help,” your tone was soft and reassuring, which hardly helped in Tomura’s case. The hell were you thinking? If you carelessly grab him like that then surely you would crumble before him. Is breathing becoming too much of a hassle for you, or- 

Oh.

In the midst of Tomura’s silent panic, he felt the warmth of your hand cover his, your the backs of your hand gently rubbing over his in his attempt to curl his fingers. He was silently glad that he was wearing Father on his face, or you would see the insane blush washing over his cheeks; however he knew you could sense his complete and utter surprise. You were touching him... and it wasn’t a head pat.

No, this was an intimate skin to skin contact, your warmth contrasting his icy cold ones. On top of the warmth, he took note of how much softer your hands were against his rough textured ones, bringing him back to a time where he knew of what home felt like. A period in his life where he did not carry a heavy burden or the people around him look to him for all of the answers, no.

He just stared at you silent shock, his red eyes still blown wide.

“I’m okay, see. Nothing to worry about, okay?” Your voice was soft, lulling him to a much more calm state. “I’ll be careful with your fingers. I’ll just patch up the cut,” and there goes that damned smile. Whenever it was directed at him, he knew he lost the internal battle before it even began. It was just your effect on him.

He only nodded, tentatively watching the space where your hands were touching to commit this moment into memory and to make sure he did not accidentally touch you. With his green light, you were quick to jump to his aid, using whatever he had in his office to get the cut to stop bleeding and to patch it up with a band-aid.

“There we go,” you turned his hand over in your palm, fingers ghosting over the rough texture of them. He stared at you with an incredulous expression, ready to promptly kick you out but you beat him to it. “While I don’t have your quirk, I can understand it may seem like a bogus one to have. I don’t know what it’s like to constantly be on alert from something like that, but I have confidence that you will use it to lead us to greatness.”

There you go, saying cute and motivational shit again, boosting his ego and giving him words of affirmation. How the hell should he respond to that?

In his moments of silence, your smile did not falter once. You looked at him with so much adoration and care, Tomura could not help the rise in his heart race as you stared at him like that.

Without saying anything, Tomura lifted his non bruised hand (now wiped clean from the dripping blood from earlier), and used his knuckles to stroke the softness of your cheek. You did not flinch away once, instead leaning further into his touch, no matter how soft the action was. 

Even though he knew he could not touch you in the way he wanted, he found this small action of endearment to be just as effective. It burned away all of the negative emotions he has been harboring recently, leaving comfort in its wake. The sentiment surely pleased you seeing as though you were closer than before, your chest nearly pressed into his.

Maybe this physical affection thing can work out with him after all. ~

[enha-woodzies]

this is a mutuals mention game! u need to mention one or more mutuals that come to your mind at first when you read the following words (per word): flower, angel, love, chocolate, sweet, cute, gorgeous, fun, sun, moon and stars 💓

it's been a while since i've got another one of these... and i know i should just tag my moots but i can't go on without stating why cos there are valid reasons as to why i've thought of them that way. soo,, here we go~

🌼 flower :: @berrywoo i can't stress this enough you've always been a flower to me besides your name ofc and you're an icon of growth and genuine beauty. no matter how much people trample down on you, you still rise up with strength and beauty and humility. you show them your true self and how we all can be very vulnerable despite feeling all sunshine-y and you definitely put them where they rightfully belong. words can't even explain how pure you are 😘 i just love you so much

👼 angel :: @fluffi ayee pumpkin~ ma child <33 always exuding a bright beam of light and softness, a precious lil one 🥺 goal-directed and driven and what else? needs no effort to brighten up your day, it's just so easy with her that you'll end your day always full and happy :))) mwaa

❤️ love :: @en-amours besides the url lol i love how jo and i can go deep into our conversations and talking with her always makes me feel this kind of depth and solace + this sentimental vibe where just a mere presence of her can totally make you feel at ease. jo always have a lot to say abt things but they're usually not the general knowledge that you'll get from her. her words and sentiments often carry a lot of emotions and meanings. she's so raw with her thoughts and i loooveee that so much. i know we still have a long way to go to build up a much tighter bond but i can already say these with ease cos jo, you are a gem and i'm always in awe and in comfort talking to you 💛

🍫 chocolate :: @jakeysim gill, my babyghorl, she reminds me of chocolate mainly because she has a lot of energy and emotions 一 like a chocolate 🙃 you get that feeling when you take a bite off a chocolate bar and you suddenly feel a rush of different sweetness at once? like it may not look like it has a lot to offer but when you indulge yourself in it, you get a whole package maam. you get what i mean? like she's more than what meets the eye. she's not the typical "what you see is what you get" cos she's a WHOLE lot more 😉

🍭 sweet :: @en-sun wifey <33 ohh nani 🥺 mi precious luvv, always so supportive and sweet and thoughtful ughh might have ants biting me soon cos she hella saccharine sweet my teeth cant even >< she never fails to brighten up my day even when she was still my adorable emoji anon 🥺 she's just ultimately friendly and genuine, man

🧸 cute :: @chuunie aaaaa yuriii my other unofficial child lmao very very supportive and energetic and ofc, i cant leave adorable out now, can i? this loving being pls i feel like yuri's pretty jumpy in person and i would just shower this little cutie with lotsa hugs right away. cuddles >>> & @vrsace-niki my babykins!! very endearing and genuine 🥺 literally feel like biting or pinching your cheeks everytime we talk oh god cmere childddd i wanna wrap you up like a burrito and hug you so tight with my legs around your burrito body 😭

✨ gorgeous :: @entypens ooohh angel, my my, dont get me wrong all of my mooties are exceptionally gorg she a beaut and a gem, ya girl be slayin' all day and i'll be like "damn, that's my girl right there" proud mom right here yall !! at this point i cant keep track of how many children i have on this hellsite JFBHS

🤪 fun :: @soyatenada bee !! this person right here maam. very enthusiastic when her interactive mode's on. she's very analytical and deep too! such a great listener and a person with heaps of genuine feedbacks and advices. very curious and exciting like maam, your energy bar pls take it slow imma have to catch up JFHHS

☀️ sun :: @angeljungwon haziebub! she just exudes warmth and comfort 😌 it feels so easy and relaxing talking to hazel, like you can approach her at any time of the day and scream at her about something that made your stomach do backflips ykwim babe 😉 and she would immediately ride in the vibe and get along with your silliness or whatever... until the vibe dies out cos my energy is very limited pls im a hag

🌙 moon :: @miffythoughts eyyy miffy~ i totally loveeee miffy's appreciation to the wonderful, little things in life. i get that a lot of people do cos i myself adore little things as much as yall can imagine but there's something with the way miffy portrays those details and emotions. she just gets that feeling and i am in awe of how intricate she goes into describing these beauties. she's very deep and beautiful, inside and out. she knows what she's doing and what she's talking about and just... w o w her mind ykno 🤯 i kinda wanna live there rent free even just for a day. lemme peek through those intricacies you mold into masterpieces hun !!

🌟 stars :: @serendipitysung andiii, ma lifesaver andi HAHA andi sure is a bright jewel. she seems timid sometimes and in other times, she's loud. but she's just right 😉 she doesn't say much but you'll always have this sense of security and safety cos you know she's just right there beside you, no words needed to let you know that. i enjoy her feedbacks and appreciation and support towards my writing endeavors and how she's always so nice it feels like she embraces you in warmth and comfort that you just wanna snurfle under her chin and stay there because dang, feels so homey might wanna camp in here along with the sweetest aroma from fragrant candles surrounding around <33

[idmakeitbehave]

Which of your fics

I was tagged by @goldentournesol​ and @criminalmindzjunkie​ thank you!!

Which of your fics…

…got a better reaction than you expected?

Definitely Dear Whoever You May Be! I honestly didn’t really expect many people to like it- I almost didn’t even publish it because I thought it was too self-indulgent but the response so far has been incredible!

…did you think would get a bigger reaction/audience than it got?

hmm... maybe You Are Here? It was my first attempt at angst but I do really like it!

…is your funniest?

Probably a tie between Jenga, Anyone? and Prank War Bystander, but they all end in mushy fluff anyway. I think they’re both pretty silly concepts, but I love ridiculous stuff like that.

…is your darkest or angstiest?

I’m doing so bad at picking just one.... let’s go with Back to the Light. I tried really hard to make it p angsty, although I always end happy.

…is your absolute favorite?

This I Know!! I have such a soft spot for this entire fic and it was so fun to write. Also my first multi-part fic :)

…is your least favorite?

Probably Over Spilled Coffee... it’s fairly short and simple and could have been a lil more in depth, but I do still like it

…was the easiest to write?

I’d have to go with Without Words! It was just kind of a stream of consciousness once I had the first few ideas for each section.

…was hardest to write?

None of them were super hard since I usually can just let it flow, but Revelations in Reverse was definitely a challenge!

…has your favorite lines/exchange/paragraph? (share it!)

hmmmm I have a lot of favorites but... from Without Words

He nods, his thoughts racing with the one question that has been on his mind all night. Before he has the chance to stop himself, he asks, “Why me?” Out of all of the people you could go to when you’re hurting, why did you choose him?

You smile softly, and it finally reaches your eyes. “You always make me feel better.”

Spencer lets out a hum of acknowledgment, unable to form a response. You always seem to turn his thoughts to mush, his endless vocabulary reduced to nothing.

There’s a pause before you turn back towards the television, your hand resting on his thigh again. Silence falls over the room, and he almost thinks that he imagines it when he hears you speak again.

“It’s always been you,” you whisper.

Spencer can’t quite grasp the meaning of your words, can’t quite believe that you’ve just said them. He stares down at you, his hand running through your hair once more. There must be a reasonable explanation for what you just said.

If there is, he doesn’t want to know.

…have you reread the most?

Oh man, I reread all of them so many times, especially right after I post them. Lately it’s been Miscommunication  and He Hates Me

…would you recommend to someone reading your work for the first time?

Depends on what you’re looking for, but I have hella meet-cutes that I love so maybe Movie Theater Rejects for that and What About Angels for a lil angst

…are you most proud of?

Aside from This I Know, I’d have to say maybe The Constant! It was a lot of fun to write and I really enjoyed going through each of the departures from the show through the eyes of someone who’s been with Spencer throughout!

I’m tagging:

@andiebeaword @prettyboy-reid @halloweenhoneylover @specialagentsergio and anyone else who wants to do it! :)

[thewolfisawake]

Critical Role

Favorite character:

In CR1, Percy and Scanlan. And gonna sound so hipster but I did legitimately like Percy prior to the Briarwood arc. I liked his place as the more subdued person that didn’t need fanfare for his support. And then I was scared and intrigued when he was more...forthcoming in that arc since he was quieter before (I think I read this was also because Taliesin was bit shy starting out but got comfortable). And Scanlan, was the man I shed tears for because I kept crying ‘oh god, someone please notice. Someone HELP HIM.’ They both had some serious gut punches and their stories did shift the dynamics (of the story and the party respectively) permanently. They are also great support and yet also had some amazing solos. 

In CR2, Caleb and Fjord. I just like me some sad boys apparently. I think Caleb’s bumbling and trying to do right but struggling with doing what’s good for you so painfully relatable. As of writing this, I haven’t caught up yet but I’ve seen him make such leaps and bounds in terms of letting people in and being a support to others. I also think mechanically he’s a show of how the drawbacks like his fear can make for good moments. As for Fjord, he’s just in general how I think a moral compass or herder character can be done without irritating both the player and viewer. I mean morals of this cast is more wonky but in general Fjord seems to put forward a general ‘we all get through this’ and respect towards the team. 

Least Favorite character:

In CR1, Keyleth. And no, it’s got nothing to do with Marisha. She’s cool. I honestly felt bad for her because Keyleth had to pick up the moral slack whenever Pike wasn’t there, which was often. Some of her best moments were when she had to draw the hard line. But it was far outweighed with having this moral high horse for some reason even though they promptly do something just as low down as the ones she looked down on. Also, I feel it’s hard to do a character that is naive but also very likable so again, sorry for Marisha. 

In CR2, I like so many but I’ll go with Mollymauk. And it was a bit of a shame because he was like the one person I heard so much about. I did like that he was the one that tended to push into some of the best shenanigans I’ve listened to. However, he was just fine. There wasn’t much to push him into love him so much nor much to say I dislike him. I’m a little disappointed of not being able to know what his deal was I guess was what I would choose if I have to say what made him least favorite. 

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon):

Vax’limore - Their interactions just oozed banter and playfulness. There was no intro to how that this happened, it just jumps into their flirtations. And it was that cute banter and the real ‘I’d do anything for you, my friend’ that ended up hurting seeing Gilmore have his heart strings pulled as they did. Like if you love him, let him go. For real. Don’t dangle it in front of him like that. 

Pike/Percy - Weird thought but I thought it was pretty clear that Pike liked Percy. Everyone sees her as a stalwart beacon but she still has wants and falls off from time to time. But she tries. And she saw something within Percy that was dark and I don’t think it was necessarily ‘I want to fix him’ but ‘I want to save him.’ And Percy find a light in Pike like many do but also seeing her as just Pike.  

Perc’ahlia - I mean, it’s canon. Thing is that I can’t pinpoint a moment when it began. Just that it happened and that felt okay. I think they’re both maniacs in their own right and it’s kind of cute how they indulge each other’s passion/excitement. Gifts feels like Percy’s love language and he shows it so much in how he tinkers for Vex and her glee in what new way she can fuck shit up is enough for him. And also it’s really delicious the parallel with them and the Briarwoods and Laura has stated that if Percy had died died, that it was possible Vex end up the same kind of menace Delilah was. 

Vex/Zahra - In some other life, they would have been the femme fatale couple. All of their interactions were enjoyable and they so clearly enjoy each other. Just looking over and it’s the eyes with them.

Widobrave - Partners in crime. I think that their dynamic isn’t simple and that’s what’s so interesting. They see each other as someone to protect and don’t exactly see how the other views them as the one to be protected. And they have ‘without question’ sort of trust in each other and are genuinely awed and so happy when they witness one do something great. It gets sad with more of their backstory. And it gets me that both immediately felt guilty for keeping it a secret from them. Not the entire party, their partner. They both have seen past appearances and see the strength, the zaniness and the brilliance the other possesses and I can’t wait to get to more of their moments. 

Character I find most attractive:

CR1: Gilmore. My god he was gorgeous. Vax why did you just walk away from that? Raishan. Look, she was hot and smart and even if she fell eventually, she made the most of when she was there. 

CR2: Cali is so frickin’ adorable. Like she’s so cute and hey, if not for the whole cult chasing her thing, it’d be nice to stick around and sightsee. I am also a ‘Jester is really cute’ person.

Character I would marry:

I don’t really think there’s anyone I’d actually--well, I think maybe Pike because stronk lady that can get into mischief with but at the same time just be able to be content with.

No one in this campaign so far. 

Character I would be best friends with:

I would LIKE to be friends with Cassandra because everyone continues to ignore how this woman has been tormented and then thrust into very important position. All while harboring guilt for what she had to do to survive. The girl needs a break and I’m here with a blanket and some tea.

I would like to be friends with Nott actually. She’s really cool and I think it’s fun to let her be her zany self. 

a random thought:

So who is really credited as the inventor of firearms, Percy, who did technically make it, or Ripley, who is the one that sold the schematics to make them mass-produced? 

Is there just an abundance of mysterious magic ladies in Wildemount or what? 

An unpopular opinion:

Scanlan deserved his anger and feelings of being unappreciated. Even if he was brought back, it does not lessen that there was uncertainty nor the lack of respect towards his body. Vox Machina had gotten cocky and it drove one of their members away. Vex and Vax were the only ones that took Scanlan’s frustration to heart and did not mess up with Tary for that reason. Also Tary was a parallel of the worst of the party, which is why most of them couldn’t stand him. 

The small races are not fucking children. I don’t get why they get called children or thought of like that. They’re just short, goddammit!

My Canon OTP:

CR1: Perc’ahlia for above reasons.

CR2: None to be seen so far?

My Non-canon OTP:

CR1: Because I’m hella fucked up, I am enamored by the thought that Percy had a crush on Ripley. Because she paid attention to him, one of the younger and less interesting of his family. And to him she was brilliant and she took advantage of that, which is how he survived or why they got in. And Percy never forgot or forgave her. 

CR2: “And they were roommates” “oh god they were roommates.” * whispers * I kind of liked Fjord and Molly. They felt like foils that were amicable with each other aaaaannndddd actually had nice interactions? 

Most Badass Character:

CR1: NO MERCY PERCY

CR2: Shakaste is pretty awesome and Khary Payton is awesome. 

Most Epic Villain:

CR1: Raishan. Like I wish she could’ve been a bigger villain but alas the dice were not on her side. I think her arc was the most interesting as she was the true threat in the party’s eyes despite there being a dragon terraforming their home. 

CR2: At this point? There hasn’t been a major villain for the party.  

Pairing I am not a fan of:

I don’t really have anything I can’t ship in this one.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another):

Can’t really say anyone ‘screwed up’ since this is a lot of improv and all that. So I guess miss chances I think would only really be Molly since y’know, he’s dead. 

Favourite Friendship:

CR1: Pike & Grog - They’re Best Buddies, y’all. I can’t get over how much they just pal around like that’s just the usual for them. And technically it is. They can go get wasted together and then kick ass after. It’s just the casualness of their relationships and how much respect and lack of reverence that I like. Pike is just Pike to Grog so he finds no reason to hold back or hold her as a light unlike the rest of the party. But he does want to do good by her because she’s his friend and he doesn’t want to disappoint her. And Pike never insults Grog’s intellect and actively works to help him improve and deflects the party’s remarks of how he is. 

CR2: Empire Kids - They’ve come a long way from their seats of mistrust and standoff-ishness. I think there was a post that put it best that they’re ‘learning how to human.’ And because they both are at the same point of it, they are struggling together. As a result they’ve come to lean on each other to keep themselves from going to far. They’re not perfect but they’re trying to keep this found family of theirs together. 

Character I most identify with:

CR1: Keyleth. Being the one to try to keep people together or on the straight on narrow isn’t easy. It sucks and I’m not usually the person that should do it but here I am.

CR2: Caleb. I am very off-beat and odd but I do want to have friends and the like....just not stellar at showing that...

Character I wish I could be:

I mean, this is D&D where awesome shit goes on all the time. So anyone I guess?

[limoncitamia-blog]

HELLO EVERYONE !! My name is Alara, and i am super duper excited to be here and play honey léon for you all!! below the read is just some backstory / headcanons about honey for plotting and to just talk about ! I will also provide some potential connections for honey too soooo yeah!! just give this post a like and i will be in your inbox ready to plot!!

HONEY’S SWEET SWEET STICKY LIFE STORY !

Honey was named after the comfort food that aided her mother during her pregnancy. Especially after her father liked the idea of her daughter being as sweet as the condiment. So Honey was born with her cry being drowned by the sound of laughter from her family in the hospital room.

Honey had lived in Argentina for over 9 years, going to public elementary school there despite the immense wealth her family owned from the agriculture business they were heavily involved in. Honey’s usual days involved walking to school with her cousins, attending school from 7am to who knows when (release time was different depending on your grade), and then doing any extra curriculars before returning home at around 3pm with the delicious aroma of dinner made by her beloved uncle and father. they would enjoy their bottle of beer while the mothers both did the chores of the house or watched tv on the couch. 

Honey had always loved her education, she loved learning and she adored her projects for class and presenting things to her classmates to teach them something. 

However, at the age of 12, Honey had been sent to a private Academy in New York City for the sciences after her parents realized that she could very much prevail in life more than they could ever. They only wanted the best for her, so she spent what would have been her middle school and high school years in New York, United States as a transfer student at the Academy of Sciences. She would always travel back to Argentina for Christmas Break and Summer Break, sometimes even bring some friends from her time in New York.

It was during this time that Honey started to suffer from immense home sickness, priority change, and soon a lifestyle change she hadn’t expected. Honey is someone that has to find herself in a place she can call home, but all the travelling she did and then the occasional times she wouldn’t go back to Argentina created a sense of wandering for the young woman. she couldn’t call argentina her home anymore, and she couldn’t call new york her home either. 

Honey was conflicted for a while for what she wanted to do, since she didn’t enjoy ‘wandering’ and she very much just wanted to stay in one place for a while. when she graduated, honey took a leap year (or two) and stayed in Argentina, working to save money and rediscover her old childhood home once again in hopes it was just a case of being too far away for too long.

Honey wasn’t happy, simply because her constantly changing lifestyle had soon left her unsatisfied with Argentina or New York as her home. She relied on her grandparents a lot to guide her through life, and they had told her to travel the world and indulge in the wanderer lifestyle for a little bit. The United States and beyond seemed to be a place for her to call home, so they encouraged her to go scouting universities in the U.S. and see where she felt more at home. Soon, she ended up in san fransokyo at the walter elias university. she had spent a week there, and found that this was meant to be her home. 

Honey didn’t hesitate to apply for the closest semester she could be admitted into and she got accepted thanks to her amazing results in her entry exams and her standard tests. She lived in the dorms, before finding her own apartment and now lives happily by herself while working as a waitress / server / hostess / secretary and going to school at the same time with her best friends in the world. 

HONEY’S LITTLE TICKY TACKS !

Honey is currently studying biochemistry in uni, though she has considered expanding further in the chemistry department since it’s one of her favorite subjects. 

Honey is lowkey self-destructive but nobody quite knows it? she is very much in love with the feeling of being thrilled or excited or surprised. she absolutely loves roller coasters, she loves plane rides or helicopter rides, she likes driving fast and she loves testing her boundaries with her science experiments. it was something she could easily satisfy in argentina but in sunnyside, she has to try just a bit more to get that little high she gets a craving for.

in order to not really push herself too much and end up in a bad scenario, she also has ways to kill her energy down. exercising, studying, working, or going out dancing. honey isn’t someone that just gets down and twerks and does all that. HOWEVER, HONEY IS KNOWN FOR TURNING HEADS AT HER SPANISH CLUBS AND DANCE NIGHTS! She knows how to move her hips, flip her hair, spin and to dip to be rather enticing!

honey’s fashion taste is very chic, indulging that side of her since she isn’t ashamed of being girly and she very much doesn’t mind showing it. pumps, heels, platforms, converse are all the same to her. skirts, pants or skorts are the same to her. as long as she looks cute / hella good, she is a-okay! which doesn’t help her rather attractive self because she is ONE HOT MOM FRIEND!

Honey is someone who feels very deeply, and often seems rather sensitive. however, it just helps her be more empathetic than sympathetic for her friends. yes, it is sympathy most of the times but with the way she feels it, the way she processes the information and feels for those around her, you would think she went through it herself. it makes her rather good at knowing what to do and what to say. though, she has to learn to follow her own advice (especially since she carries some very present unresolved feelings about tadashi’s death). 

Honey is very much a DIY queen / a homemade queen. very much a mom. she likes cooking, she likes making things, she likes taking care of plants, she is just very much doing things on her own terms and not just buying things done. like IKEA is probably her favorite thing in the world. 

HONEY’S WANTED CONNECTIONS

so i’m just going to list some wanted connections / relationship labels i would absolutely love for honey! if you want to take part in it, then do shoot me a message!

Platonic Connections ; clubbing / dancing buddies, a spanish squad cx, tutor / tutee situations where honey is the tutor or where honey is being tutored in something, co-workers / club members ! i haven’t placed honey working anywhere specifically but customer service / the secretary business sounds good for her so who knows! apartment neighbors! also, exes that are on good terms? people honey finds intimidating? people who have made honey swoon? after all, she does have a type LOL!! People who honey has to be a little more patient than usual. 

Also, i would love for Honey to have some people she has gone on dates with, or people she has had a crush on, or people who have or had a crush on her! 

also, we dont even have to have these labelled connections. human relationships are so complicated, i’m sure we can come up with something!

[demyrie]

I'm curious but why did you delete JAM? It was one of my favorite JxD fics and I never got to finish reading it.

ahhhh oh dear, yeah, that happened.

So, for everyone arriving, I wrote a fic called Just Another Mission for the Jak and Daxter game series, and Jak/Daxter pairing. Yes, the green haired elf protag with the fuzzy orange thing, which btw used to be a human and was a human in fic. I think I started it when I was maybe 14 (yikes omg) and a few years ago, I deleted it, and I don’t delete fics.

Rant and personal history ahead, but tldr; i deleted this particular fic because:

1) I became more and more uncomfortable with the way I’d treated certain characters without giving them respect or resolution (throwing around things like domestic abuse while being too young to properly understand What I Was Doing or How to Answer Very Triggered Friends Who Had the Misfortune of Reading This I’m So Goddamn Sorry, as well as falling into that Not Like Other Girls slash fan ditch of treating female characters like shit/obstacles to the main pairing WHICH IS JUST ******) as well as personally uncomfortable portrayals of obsession and taking advantage of people that turn my stomach to this day (see reason 4)

2) i got way in over my head with my own writing/style which was so obtuse and self-indulgent that I felt a great amount of shame over it, including the attention it had gotten, and the way it went to my head and turned me into an egotistic little shit. I was an asshole peacock and I regret it. There was a break where I got waylaid before the final confrontation in the fic (see reason 4, also a very bad time to get held up in any narrative) and when I returned to the story, i nearly cried because it was such a mess and I didn’t know what I was saying anymore. Finishing it was a struggle and I even remember one JnD fan friend being like “hey this chapter seemed really curt??? short?? not like you” and I was like YEAH THATS NOT ME ANYMORE god i hope

3) there was a sort of ... anti-JxD surge in my little pool from people I really respected and it made me think i was doing something wrong even just remembering it, so I cut off that memory.

4) it coincided with two ugly relationships in my life that marred it, and I just wanted it gone for my own mental health.

So anon, I’m very sorry that you never got to finish it. I had good intentions in mind and gave them a happy ending where they realized they loved each other, even if the journey there was difficult. 

It both touched me and broke a piece of my heart when someone came to me years ago and asked me why I had deleted it, saying the story had given them the courage to come out as gay to their family. In that moment, overwhelmed with how ProblematicTM the whole story was, I was really struck with just ... how subjective our world experience is, and how so many things can mean so many different things to every single soul and how terrifyingly VALID peoples experiences are, no matter how they come by them. We’re all so unique and convoluted, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure -- and one man’s trigger is another man’s key to Becoming. But no matter how inspiring, I couldn’t bring myself to repost it. 

Hopefully this will be the only fic i ever delete with relish. Jak and Daxter will always be a good memory for me, regardless. Thanks for the ask, anon.

(even more) personal stuff below the cut. tw for stalking, harassment, manipulation and emotional abuse.

So.

Im a firm believer in stories living beyond their authors (something that JK rowling doesnt seem to understand iykwim). I don’t normally delete past works, because while I wrote them, I also know that they’ve outgrown me as most narratives do: people are absolutely allowed to enjoy what they want to or need to, not just because I think said thing is reflective of my current work or jives with my current stage of life. 

However, JAM was a particular Thing that Had to Go.

The timeline is hella fuzzy to me because I’ve blocked a lot of it out, but I was coming out of middle school and struggling with my mental health. On the real life side, I was stuck in a situation with a close friend of mine who was very fixated on us being in a relationship and the pining was loud enough to hear from the other side of the country. Wounded people pleaser that I was, I flipped (exhaustingly) back and forth between “i dont like you like that” and “but I want you to be happy so what if I tried liking you like that?” and there was massive amounts of hidden hurt and resentment and tension and abandonment complex activation and just ... a strangling of anything that made our friendship good for either of us. 

Also she was a she. So. Yannoe, gay is difficult.

This definitely burnt me out on the “best friends pining” trope and is probably legit the ONLY reason I’m not equally in the erasermic and erasermight camp haha. That trope feels claustrophobic and draining to me, so I leave it for others to enjoy.

It also coincided with a married 45yo adult man luring me into a “platonic, ecstatic, boundary-breaking, you-are-my-beautiful-young-muse, words cannot express how much I love you” creative type relationship that inevitably turned possessive, domineering and manipulative. Within the bounds of the Renaissance Faire community, I thought he was a safe person and he was not, and his constant reassurance that I wasn’t like other women my age was absolutely hypnotizing to a undeveloped soul who really, really wanted to be special.

We traded poetry and tarot card readings over email. He bought me manga and shared stories about his time overseas and in the service. He made me props to go with my renaissance faire character and showed me where to find cheap leather so I could piece things together myself.

He also stalked me and owned me for the better part of a year and I only realized it once he started harassing a dear friend of mine overseas, whom I was visiting, about a package that he’d sent, which apparently he’d covered in original poetry to let me know how much he loved me But Not In a Hetero or Sexual Way Bro, so of course he didn’t want it to get lost in the postal system. So what is he going to do? Note my friend twice a day asking if its arrived until she inevitably, tearfully spills that this guy is stressing her out and who is he anyway?

My horrible secret was out, which only sounded horrible when I explained it to someone else. I realized this man was trying to follow me wherever i went and I got so fucking angry that he was messing with my friend that I had to stop it.

(He called me a cunt when I broke it off with him on the phone in the dark on the floor of my bedroom in the middle of the night so my parents wouldn’t hear, then sobbed and said he was sorry. I was so dissociated from the rush of anger and helplessness that it took for me to actually MAKE the call that all I could do was wiggle my foot and watch it in the reflection of the mirror on the back of my door, and think maybe I was a cunt but I wasn’t his cunt anymore. So there. 

Afterward I slammed my forehead into the mirror a few times to make sure I’d actually done it and it wasn’t a dream.)

During all of this, I was writing this stupid fic. I think. Honestly, I don’t fucking know, but I can’t think of it without thinking of him and how i was devoured.

The stress of hiding this “totally wonderful but NORMAL PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE!!!!” grooming shit from my parents was gutting me alive, and I was so far gone RE: worthiness/autonomy that I didn’t even consider why I BOTHERED diffusing his petulant accusations over notes on deviantArt again and again as he baited me into shit just to explode over how I didn’t love him and I figured out another way to soothe his engorged and tarry ego without explicitly lying that I loved him too. 

He made me regret my silver tongue and way with words as I used it to defend myself again and again, and crushed my love of writing. I would pace the neighborhood for almost an hour several times a week, claiming I was ‘exercising’ but really trying to understand why i felt so trapped, or where the lines between love and hate lay, or why I wanted to cry all the time, as i low key tried to get hit by a car just to force something to change in my life and jolt me out of his smothering, needy nightmare of constant texting and emails and notes. I couldn’t fucking flinch without him knowing about it, and asking me if I was okay. For this reason, I react very poorly to people fretting over me at length, and loudly. I get angry and feel violated, or just pinned to the floor by someone Performing their love on me with no real regard for my health.

This whole time, I was escaping into fandom. It probably saved my life, in one way or another, because I found friends who supported me and made me laugh in the JnD sphere. Especially the friend whose distress caused me to snap and realize This Couldn’t Continue.

This terrible man was the first one outside of my friend group that I showed my writing to, the first adult as well. It was on the dark side even then, but he said it was wonderful and amazing. He teased me for being stuck up in my authors notes on JAM (one of the reasons I’m just getting over ... talking ...) but said it inspired him to start writing as well. He used that writing to imagine hokey sprawling stories of him being a hot rod racer and me being his sexy girlfriend, Very Totally in Love. Why Couldn’t We have Just Met in a Different Lifetime??? not that its a relevant question for my young 16yo friend lol just something dreamers wonder lol lol here why don’t you take this traditional irish engagement ring aka claddagh i bought for you, lie to your parents and say I bought one for everyone in our renfaire group, and turn it toward your heart, to imply that you’re in love, so that I can keep your heart safe for you until you find a boyfriend?

FUCKER YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER ok I’m done. Fuck.

JAM was a project of mine that spanned a year or two and is intrinsically tangled in those very bad relationships and very bad lessons. I deleted it because I needed to, for purely personal reasons beyond the fact that it was generally bombastic, over-long, tone-deaf and dealt with very serious issues poorly. Due to these experiences, you won’t catch me in a hot minute writing either best-friends-pining or heavy jealousy/possessiveness fic, but everyone else? Go crazy just tag your shit.

so. anyway. isn’t subjectivity actually terrifying? You never know what something can mean to someone else. So just ask, maybe.

Damn, son. Some fics you just can’t repost.

[shiroallura]

I’m always having a good time. I just kind of feel bad for you. Like you always seem like you’re validating your ship and your blog. Honestly, it doesn’t feel fun anymore. No one cares what you ship. And if they do so what? And maybe I’m totally wrong but a lot of shallura blogs just read like they’re on the defensive.

are you? because you’re the one who came into my inbox on anon to critique what i do for fun, which is writing long meta, that apparently had the capacity to ‘kill’ shallura for you, and that definitely sounds like your problem, not mine.

and maybe shallura shippers seem on the defensive to you because for a long time, we’ve had to be on the defensive, and people do care what we ship - absurdly, actually. i’ve been called some really terrible (and inaccurate) things over what two fictional characters i want to smooch. try checking out the shallura fandom’s history before you cast judgements.

also, just a sidenote: you seem to think i should care a lot about what you think of my blog. and sure, when people like or enjoy my blog or whatever it’s great and i’m happy for them, and i’m happy i’ve made them happy, but like… i also don’t really give a shit? this space is for me to explore whatever i want. so hell yeah, i’m validating and exploring and writing about what i love in the space i’ve chosen to do so. why wouldn’t i? and more so, why shouldn’t i? if my blog doesn’t “feel fun” for you… then go. there’s still plenty of people kicking around, and i’m still kicking around, so… your point, exactly?

and a final thing: don’t feel bad for me. i’m largely happier than i ever have been, and i’m happier in the shallura fandom then i’ve ever been. i have my fix it fic to write and all my favourite headcanons and fics to read. it’s self indulgent and hard work and hella rewarding, and far more than absolutely anything canon vld has ever put out, ever.

and last but not least: i don’t need you or your opinion. so don’t act like i do.

[yujachachacha]

I've seen peeps angry about how Dia's episode this season and Yoshiko's last season seem to mean nothing since they're still calling them "Dia-san" and "Yoshiko" respectively. What do you think? bc I personally feel that the point of the episodes had less to do with how they were addressed and more w/ a feeling of belonging in the group

I agree! I think that the issue with these character-centered episodes has to do with the fact that the audience is misunderstanding the point of them.

This might be easier to understand if I first explain how they’re structured. IMO, the LLS character-centered episodes usually follow a certain formula that goes something like this:

The central character has a certain flaw or worry that makes them go through a period of self-doubt. (Examples: Yoshiko wants to live a normal high school life. Dia notices that she’s the only third year in Aqours who isn’t referred to by a familiar suffix.)

The central character believes that they have to act a certain way to resolve this issue. (Examples: Yoshiko thinks that she has to abandon her “fallen angel” routine to be accepted by her peers. Dia thinks that being called “Dia-chan” will make her closer to the rest of the group.)

With the help of Chika - or in the case of Chika herself, the others in Aqours - the central character realizes that there is another solution they didn’t consider because they had misunderstood the root of the problem. (Examples: Yoshiko realizes that she should find friends who accept her as she is rather than trying to change herself. Dia discovers that her title is given to her out of respect rather than distance.)

The problem is resolved and the central character regains their confidence. Hooray, friendship saves the day! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧

See that bold section in #3? That’s the part that a lot of people miss - ironically, this means that these people are making the exact same mistake that the main character of the episode is making.

[FML my meta posts are never short so the rest is under the cut]

The point of S1E5 wasn’t that Yoshiko wanted friends who would call her “Yohane”, but that Yoshiko wanted friends who would put up with her demands to be called “Yohane”. This is even apparent at the final confrontation of the episode:

Yoshiko: I’ll spew a lot of weird stuff.

You: That’s fine.

Yoshiko: I might start performing ceremonies and stuff sometimes.

Riko: We’ll deal with it.

Yoshiko: I might tell you to be my little demons!

Chika: Well, um… We’ll say no if we don’t want to!

Let me repeat that last part because it’s hella important: “We’ll say no if we don’t want to!”

What Yoshiko needed wasn’t a group of girls who would hang out with her only because she got rid of her fallen angel routine, or little demon lackeys who would obey every edict she issued. What she needed was friends who would be realistic about her antics, but would stick with her until the end. Friendship isn’t about agreeing perfectly with each other - you’ll have different tastes, and will sometimes fight over those differences. True friendship is being able to accept each other despite these differences.

You might have noticed that it’s not Mari and Ruby, the pair that tends to play along with the “Yohane” thing the most, who are seen as Yoshiko’s closest friends in the anime. The pair that is the most associated with Yoshiko is, in fact, the duo that complains the most about Yoshiko’s behavior - Riko and Hanamaru. They tease and scold her about her quirks precisely because they’re so close to her. It’s because these two are so attentive to Yoshiko’s well-being that they moderate her weirdness. Thanks to their friendship, Yoshiko knows that despite their occasional harsh words, they mean the best for her.

So with this in mind, is it really all that crucial to refer to Yoshiko as “Yohane”? While it would be nice of Aqours to do so, I think that would be missing the point. Accepting “Yohane” doesn’t mean accepting that as Yoshiko’s name. Rather, it’s accepting the concept of Yohane, that Yoshiko happens to be a high school girl who occasionally says some off-the-wall occult things that she can’t help because she loves the fallen angel thing and oh god she knows it’s weird but at this point it’s so ingrained in her identity that there’s nothing she can do about it please all she wants is to stop feeling so lonely -

…you get the point. The important thing isn’t calling Yoshiko by her preferred name “Yohane”, but that the existence of “Yohane” is accepted rather than shunned. Yoshiko had been so caught up in thinking that the “Yohane” persona was a black-or-white “if it pops up I’ll lose my friends / if I hide it I can have a normal life” situation that she never stopped to consider a balance between the two: friends who didn’t necessarily have to indulge her fallen angel antics, but would always support her in times of need.

Fittingly for a series called “Love Live!”, an important theme of the work is about love - that is, self-love, and giving your all at something you love to do. The charm of school idols, Chika insists to Yoshiko, isn’t that they change themselves into whatever they think is popular or that the audience likes best. Rather, it’s the fact that they have a part of themselves that they love, and are happy to share that with everyone.

Consider this - do Yoshiko fans like Yoshiko despite her fallen angel shtick, or do they like her because she throws herself so wholeheartedly into it? I’m sure you can guess the answer by now. We admire people who are passionate about what they love. Chika’s words make Yoshiko realize that “Yohane” isn’t something to be ashamed of - rather, it’s something that she should embrace.

Again, this is a crucial lesson echoed throughout the “Love Live!” series: embrace the time you have now, and put everything you have into something you love. That’s when you truly shine, because there’s nothing more beautiful than someone who’s doing their best and enjoying it.

With Dia, we have a similar theme of friendship being tied to a certain name. However, the circumstances are quite different.

Now, I can understand why people were a bit upset about Dia’s episode turning out the way that it did. After all, Dia spent nearly the whole time making a fool of herself just to hear Chika tell her, “We like you just the way you are, Dia-san!” µ’s even had an entire episode dedicated to having the members address each other with “-chan” to break down the seniority barriers.

But let me point out something important: Dia refers to Kanan and Mari, her childhood friends, as “Kanan-san” and “Mari-san”. Do you think that this means Dia isn’t close to Kanan and Mari?

Recall the scene where Kanan and Mari spill the beans about Dia to the rest of Aqours. They talk about how they’ve always seen Dia as somewhat “above them” because of how talented and formal she is. With everyone expecting Dia to act the part of the refined lady, Dia slowly took on that role until it became an actual part of her identity. If Dia was just a normal high school gal, she’d probably refer to Kanan and Mari as just that - Kanan and Mari, no suffixes needed. But because Dia’s been raised to be well-mannered, she automatically refers to them as “Kanan-san” and “Mari-san” despite her close relationship with them.

This shows that Dia’s way of referring to people is simply a matter of her upbringing as a Kurosawa heiress rather than her trying to distance herself from others. If you need more proof, just listen to how Ruby refers to other people in the early episodes of the anime and in the audio dramas - apart from her sister and her childhood friend Hanamaru, Ruby refers to nearly everyone with “-san”. Ruby has the same habit, but is a lot more lenient about casting it aside as she probably doesn’t feel as pressured as Dia is to stay prim and proper. That’s why the spotlight is solely on Dia for being out-of-place about how she refers to and is referred to by others.

Here’s the mini-takeaway from this episode - what’s important is not the words itself, but the meaning behind them. I’m gonna illustrate this with two different takes of a scenario. Imagine that Aqours is chilling in a dressing room, waiting to be called for their performance in a school idol competition.

Take 1:

Mari bursts into the room holding a venti Starbucks latte in one hand and a set of very expensive-looking car keys in the other.

“What’s up, bitches?” Mari sings.

Chika and You cheekily salute and parrot back the greeting. Everyone else ignores her (except Dia, who looks like she would be strangling Mari if she wasn’t occupied with covering Ruby’s ears).

Kanan sighs. “We love you Mari, but get your ass in here. You’re late.”

Take 2:

A rival school idol group that has been sending condescending looks towards Aqours all day bursts into the room.

“What’s up, bitches?” Girl A sneers.

Since Dia is too busy covering Ruby’s ears, Kanan is the first to rise up in anger. However, she’s interrupted by the sight of Mari popping open the lid of her latte and splashing its still-hot contents at the intruders.

“Don’t you dare speak that way towards my friends,” Mari hisses.

…this illustration was probably a lot more vulgar than it needed to be, but hopefully you get my point. It doesn’t matter that Dia is referred to as “Dia-san” - what’s crucial is the intent behind it. Chika brings back the lesson from Yoshiko’s episode here: you shouldn’t try to change yourself just to make friends. Aqours doesn’t hate her strictness, so there’s no need for Dia to try to do away with it. Dia is referred to as “Dia-san” because everyone respects how much work she puts into making sure Aqours isn’t a complete mess, and thus they refer to her with an appropriately respectful title. In a way, it’s actually a very affectionate title that shows Dia’s unique position in Aqours - you could even think of it as the equivalent of “Mom”.

If you’re still thinking, “Oh come on, how hard is it to just call her ‘Dia-chan’?!”, let me illustrate with something that’s actually happened to me. At Thanksgiving this year, I met a family member who’s around my mother’s age. She’s a distant relative of mine, but because we live in the same area, we’re pretty close. I was helping her with the dishes when we had the following conversation:

Relative: Hey Yujacha, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.

Me: What is it?

Relative: You know how you call me “Aunty”? I want you to call me “Grandma” instead.

Me: …I’m sorry, what?

Relative: I want you to call me “Grandma”. I’m serious. I really, really, really want you to call me “Grandma”.

Me: I, uh…

Relative: Call me “Grandma”!

To give you some context: my family tree is kind of messed up (I think it had to do with some kind of early/late marriage), so somewhere along the line the branch with my relatives became a generation above mine, despite us being the same age. This means that the relative above is technically a grandmother to me despite being around my mother’s age, and her children (who I usually refer to as my cousins) are technically my aunt and uncle - even though they’re younger than me.

I could’ve said yes. It was a request from an elder, and she genuinely wanted me to use the title. Plus, what harm was there in simply saying a different name?

Instead, I replied, “…I’m sorry Aunty, I can’t. It sounds weird to me. ( ; w ; )”

I was so used to saying “Aunty” that I couldn’t break the habit. It was also a matter of respect - even though the relative herself wanted to be called “Grandma”, in my mind, I would be lowkey insulting her by implying that she looks a lot older than she actually is.

I could be completely off the mark here, but personally speaking, I think that this might be part of the reason why Dia is always referred to as “Dia-san” by most of Aqours. As stated above, Dia is revered as the Kurosawa heiress and the brilliant student council president of Uranohoshi. Even though Dia herself wants to be called “Dia-chan”, to the rest of Aqours, it would feel like an insult if they didn’t refer to her respectfully. At that point, they’re just so used to calling her “Dia-san” that it would feel weird to say anything else. Communication is a two-way street. Don’t forget that a title shows a relationship between the receiver and the giver of the title.

I know that some people are still going to be upset about the “Dia-chan” thing, which is fine - Dia deserves the love! But the point of the episode, despite what it seemed, wasn’t just to get Aqours to call Dia something different. Rather, it was Dia’s clumsy way of opening herself up to the others and admitting that she wants to be their close friend. While the lesson might not have been so clear due to all the slapstick shenanigans going on, I think that we did see Dia succeeding on that end. No matter what she’s called, from now on, Dia knows that she’s appreciated by Aqours and is considered a close friend.

tl;dr: Chuunibyou high schooler and stern StuCo prez awkwardly try to make friends, and learn that friendship extends beyond appearances and titles. What needs to change isn’t their behavior - it’s the way they think about their behavior. By casting aside their self-doubt, they can begin to love themselves as they are, and renew their confidence as the school idols of Aqours.

While we’re on the subject - I’m sure that with this talk of controversial character episodes, you might be wondering why I’m not bringing up the two most controversial episodes, i.e. S1E9 (the KanaMari episode) and S1E11 (the You/ChikaYou episode).

I think a lot of meta writers who are a heck of a lot more talented than I am have already covered Episode 9, so I don’t really feel the need to bring it up. At this point, there have been enough rallying cries from the “Kanan Protection Squad” that most people should be a bit more forgiving of Kanan’s actions. As irrational as they were, you have to also consider that Kanan was just a fifteen-year-old girl under a lot of stress and self-inflicted guilt. There’s also the factor of miscommunication, and…well, again, this has already been analyzed, so I won’t dive into this one.

As for Episode 11, I actually received an ask about it, so I’ll be sitting down and thinking about how to answer that one! I’ve already got a couple of ideas in mind…

[vizhi0n]

Sundown - Part 6 (Alt Ending)

If you haven’t finished Sundown - because I kno some of ya have it queued up for later - ignore this and come back bc ya know spoilers (i feel awkward for saying spoilers for my own story lmfao) 

Masterlist

Well, bc I’m a sack of ass and felt bad for brutally murdering off you-know-who in the last part, I thought I’d indulge myself in another chapter where stuff actually doesn’t end up shitty for Negan. I guess, in a way, the ending felt too rushed and I feel like I always kill off my OC’s. But yeah, this isn’t necessarily “part of the story” but just an alternate as to what could have happened had I not been an asshole. Anywho, enjoy!

Warnings: just some violence and a fuckton of cursing and dick references. my aesthetic 

Homies: @flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash @lucifers-trash-stash @i-am-negan-trash @crzcorgi @superprincesspea @strangersangel9 @hannibalssweaters @heartfulloffandoms @negans-network @jasoncrouse @genevievedarcygranger @kijilinn @my-achilles--heel @alyisdead @rickydillon @backseat-negan @wolfhart18 @gremlinfuck @ladylorelitanyfanfiction @kellyn1604 @manawhaat @fairytale07 @fxcking-negan @lovingzombiechaos

I opened my eyes.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

My ribcage hurt like a bitch. Like I’d been hit by a car. No, like I’d been hit by two cars, and then ran over repeatedly by a fire truck.

I sat up anyway, one eye squeezed shut as I surveyed my surroundings. I sure as hell was alive — I recognized the shitty walls of the Sanctuary, the crisp smell of rubbing alcohol. My eyes began following a dizzying light as it flashed back and forth before my vision.

“There you go. Follow the light — doesn’t seem like she’s to badly concussed. Not anymore.”

“You fucking sure about that, doc?”

Oh, jeez.

I groaned, my eyes finally fully adjusting. Negan was sitting in a chair, nestled in the corner. Harlan Carson — the Hilltop’s doctor — was leaning over me, lips pressed into a thin line. I couldn’t tell if that was a good thing. His face seemed expressionless.

“I’m alive?”

“Barely,” Negan grunted. He looked pissed. “Regina put you in a fucking coma.”

My mouth felt dry. I swallowed, nodding at Carson. He hurried away, returning with a bottle of water. He had to help me drink — my arms were to weak to really even lift the bottle to my lips. The entire time Negan watched, dark circles under his eyes pronounced.

After taking several gulps, I said to Negan, “How’s your leg?”

“Been better. I don’t really fucking mind.”

Harlan and I glanced at each other, a bit put off by his dismissive attitude. Harlan looked as if he wanted to say something, eyes raking over my injured form. He recognized me, I knew. I could see it in his gaze. He wasn’t stupid enough to point it out to Negan, however.

“You should be good for now,” Harlan said softly. “Take it easy. Don’t push yourself.”

“Thank you,” I squeezed Harlan’s arm, smiling. Negan watched the exchange before standing, brushing past Harlan as he exited the room. He regarded me with a cool, almost hesitant smile. It was a warm smile, though, the facade he’d been holding disappearing.

“We’re alive. Both of us,” I let out a shaky laugh. “I can’t believe we pulled that shit off.”

“Not to bad for someone with a busted fucking leg, huh?” Negan chuckled, taking a seat next to me on the bed. “Simon and I had a long fucking chat. He’ll apologize. Eventually.”

I absently rested my head against Negan’s shoulder, trying my best not to drift off to sleep. I was even more difficult when Negan softly moved from under me, maneuvering my body so I could lay more comfortably on the bed.

“You don’t have to stay awake.”

“Stay,” I murmured.

“I fucking can’t. I want to, but I have shit to deal with. This whole fucking compound is surrounded,” Negan sounded bitter. “Nobody gets in, or out.”

“Let me help—”

“No,” Negan said firmly. “Stay here. You got two fucking bullets put in you. The last fucking thing we need is for you to get bit.”

“I won’t. I’m a ninja,” I gave a bubbly laugh, peering at Negan through half closed eyes. I wasn’t expecting him to lean down and press his lips against my forehead, but he did, leaving without another word.

I slept for two more days. I was only awake to eat, piss, and occasionally talk to Negan while working on becoming steadier on my feet. The situation outside hadn’t gotten any better. Even if I’d wanted to leave and head back to Rick, I couldn’t.

I was basically stuck with the Saviors. That bothered me only because some of Negan’s men hadn’t taken to kindly to me being spared and not killed or thrown into a cell.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Arat was the one bringing me food this time. I recognized her from Alexandria — I’d watched her blow Olivia’s brains out from the top floor of my town house. Needless to say, I had no intention of getting along with her.

You had no attention of getting along with Negan, either.

Now look where you are.

“I don’t really have a choice,” I replied, taking the tray of food and setting it on the nightstand. I expected Arat to leave after that, but she didn’t. Instead she leaned against the doorframe, analyzing me with a piercing gaze that, quite frankly, made me want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

���I’m just saying what everyone else thinks. You’re an outsider. It’s weird that Negan threw Regina out a window for you.”

“Ya’ll two were friends? You and Regina?” I said through a mouthful of food. “Shit. Sorry, dude. Lady was hella trigger happy.”

Arat glared. She made a noise of disgust, promptly leaving before I could say anything else.

Nice social skills, Rachel.

For all you know she and Regina could have been fucking!

The next day was when I finally mustered up the strength to leave the room. I’d been cooped up for a week, my only company being Negan, Arat, and occasionally Harlan Carson. I had yet to see Eugene or Dwight — I had a feeling both men were avoiding me. They had to know that I was here. Negan had made a big scene out of tossing Regina into the sea of the undead, and I assumed the news had spread like wildfire.    

I still wasn't trusted to walk around without some sort of supervision, so I’d been assigned a, to put it loosely, babysitter. The man didn’t talk much, and when he did, it seemed to be in grunts or nods. Reminded me of Daryl, in a way.

One of the only times I was left alone was to shower, however, this time when I exited, hair still dripping and dressed in an oversized sweatshirt that I suspect had once belonged to Negan, my babysitter was gone and instead Simon was waiting.

He was way taller up close.  And muscular He practically had to bend his neck to look at me, and I felt increasingly self conscious and a bit scared. We were alone. I had no weapon. Was he here to execute me? Kill me in one of the showers so I didn’t get blood everywhere?

Or maybe he was here to apologize. Maybe. I’d almost forgotten that he and Negan had gotten into it over that little…incident.

We stared at each other. There was an awkward silence in the air as we waited for the other to speak. Finally, Simon gave in, pinching the bridge of his nose and saying, “I’m sorry about what I did. It was rude of me.”

“Um, apology accepted? Have you been standing out here the whole time?”

Simon shrugged. He looked around, before admitting, “I guess. I thought it was only going to be a minute, but you take long showers.”

“Can I ask why?”

“I’m escorting you to you to Negan’s room,” I could hear the annoyance dripping from Simon’s voice. “As part of my ‘apology.’ He wants us to ‘bond.’ For the ‘better good of the community.’”

“Why are you putting air quotes around those words? It makes you look like you don’t really mean it.”

“I don’t. That’s the ‘point,’” Simon bared his teeth. “Sorry, girlie, but I don’t take to kindly to people who fire a bullet at my face.”

“I was trying to help get rid of that ungodly facial hair of yours.”

He lunged at me and I shrieked, darting back into the bathroom. I poked my head from around the corner and saw him standing there, eyebrows raised. Then he started laughing.

Asshole.

“I’m not going to hurt you. Negan would be…distraught if I did that,” Simon said. “He’s fond of you. Everyone can see it.”

“Is…that a good thing or a bad thing? That everyone knows?”

“Well, I’m the only one that knows you and him,” Simon gyrated his hips, tongue poking past his lips. I groaned, embarrassed. He stopped, laughing. “Yeah. I know all about that. He told me, in great detail. I didn’t even ask.”

“We were stuck in that trailer, and we got bored.”

“Hey, I don’t blame you. Or him. But not everyone thinks that way,” Simon waved a finger. “So you’d best be on your utmost behavior. There are consequences, here. Negan has to make sure people know he’s in charge.”

I stepped out from around the corner, flinching when Simon came closer. Giving me an almost childlike grin he pinched my cheeks, adding, “I wouldn’t want to tarnish that cute little face of yours. Now c’mon. He’s waiting.”

Carl had mentioned how Negan had a harem of willing women, but I’d brushed it off as Negan and his theatrics. The dude could have been a great actor.

But nope. He had a harem of pretty women and a nice parlor with an even nicer room. And in that room he was waiting, along with a guest.

Eugene.

He refused to make eye contact with me. He was sitting adjacent to Negan, speaking softly. The moment I entered he stood, dismissing himself.

“No. Eugene, sit the fuck back down,” Negan gestured with Lucille. Eugene obeyed, one leg bouncing restlessly. Negan crooked a finger, pointing to the open cushion. “You sit down, too. Thank you for bringing her here, Simon.”

“My pleasure,” Simon wasted no time in leaving.

I reluctantly sat, keeping a good gap between Eugene and I. He had yet to look at me.

“I assume you two know each other pretty fucking well?” Negan lazily raised Lucille, pointing and letting her drift from me to Eugene. When neither of us replied, he rolled his eyes and spat, “Loosen the fuck up. Shit. You’re not in trouble.”

“She and I were acquaintances back at Alexandria,” Eugene said smoothly. “We didn’t talk much. I only admired her from afar, something I now regret.”

Admired — oh, fuck.

Negan raised an eyebrow. “You had a thing for her?”

“Yes, but only because she and are homologous in that we both lack proper social skills and share similar tastes in extracurricular activities. I would refrain from calling it anything but a minor fondness.”

I was staring at the ground, hard. Negan gave a hum of either approval or distaste — the noise was so generic that I couldn’t tell which it was — before saying, “Let’s keep it that fucking way, okay? That’s not what I wanted to fucking talk to you about, anyway. I want you to tell your friend why you chose to stay with us, even after you were given an opportunity to escape.”

For the first time, Eugene looked at me. There was no fear, no facade that he was putting on. “I simply weighed the disadvantages and the benefits. My skills are being utilized to their full capacity here. Yours could be, too.”

“Babysitting and gardening isn’t a skill, really,” I said. “I can’t make bullets or fix shit like you. I can’t do most stuff.”

“Untrue. Your attitude is truculent and you have an aptitude for combat. Rick unfortunately never saw that — I did.”

“With Regina dead, I’ll need someone to replace her. I sincerely hope you consider the offer. It’s a pretty fucking generous one,” Negan smiled. “What I told you in that trailer is still fucking true. You’ll be respected here. Eugene is an example of that.”

Negan dismissed Eugene with a wave of Lucille. He left slowly, glancing over his shoulder the entire time. The moment the door closed, Negan tossed Lucille onto the couch and let out a sigh.

“God, he’s fucking weird.”

“And you’re not? I’m not?”

“You are. Don’t fucking know about me,” Negan smirked. “But I wouldn’t change you. Hell no.”

“I wouldn’t change you either. Well, maybe some minor stuff,” I grit my teeth. Negan licked his lips, staring at me curiously. I said, “Is that all you called me here for? So I could listen to Eugene make a sales pitch?”

“I was hoping I could fuck your brains out, too.”

“You have a bunch of wives out there, all dolled up,” I snorted. I’d never get over the nerve this man had. “I had to walk past them. I don’t know why of all people you would want me—”

“We went over this. I think you’re hot as shit.”

Solid logic right there.

“I appreciate that, Negan, but what happened in that trailer…do you really think its smart to carry that shit over?” I heard Negan stand, coming to sit by my side. “Like, that was then…just the two of us. Alone. This is here.” “And here is where I’m the fucking boss. You saw all those people kneel when I walked by them? I’m a fucking god to them. And god’s can fuck whoever and whenever they damn well please.”

I didn’t push him away when his lips began suckling on my throat. I just groaned, playing into his little game. I didn’t care. He always made me feel so good, each squeeze and kiss and touch sending my brain flatlining into submission. I wanted him, desperately.

“Don’t hold back on me,” Negan murmured. “This is no different than last time.”

“It is. This time we have a bed,” I chuckled, leaning in for a kiss. My mind wandered to a particularly dirty place, and I paused, glancing at the door. “Why don’t you ask Simon to get in here?”

Negan raised his eyebrows. “I didn’t think you liked him.”

“He’s growing on me. So are those muscles,” I kissed the scruff on Negan’s cheek. “I’m kidding, you know. I was a virgin until I met you. I don’t know what makes you think I’m already ready to have two dicks in me.”

Negan, face flushed, looked embarrassed. I pulled away, looking him up and down.

“Are you jealous?”

“Fuck no,” Negan replied. “I’m not fucking jealous.”

“Why don’t we get one of your wives in here, then?”

“Are you trying to piss me off?” Negan’s eyes went from mirthful to hostile. I raised my hands in a placating gesture, still unsure of how far to push him. I desperately wanted to say my piece, especially before I fell into his arms once more.

“No. I’m just saying. If you’re jealous of me and Simon, who’s to say that I’m not jealous of you and your wives? It’s a two way street, you know.”

“Hell, as far as I’m concerned, you’re one of them,” Negan snorted. “Look, I know you have your little crush and all. I know what we talked about back in that fucking trailer. Just because I opened up to you doesn’t mean that I’m going to drop everything and make you my one-and-only or whatever the fuck you want to call it.”

His words hurt, but I wasn’t at all surprised. I was more mad at myself for asking. For ruining what could have been a perfect night of great talks and great sex.

Instead I was siting before him, doubting. Doubting myself.

“Look at me,” Negan grasped my chin with his fingers. “I care about you. I wouldn’t have fucking tossed Regina out that window if I didn’t. But whatever it is you think you feel for me? Throw it away. Get rid of it. I’m not going to be able to return any of the shit you give me, and that’s not fucking fair to you.”

“Have you ever killed someone like that before? Like Regina?” “I’ve killed plenty of fucking people, and all of them deserved it.”

“No. I mean…Regina was one of you. She was a savior. You trusted her,” I swallowed. “I was a nobody. Yet you killed one of your own men for hurting someone on the other team. It shouldn’t have mattered to you whether or not I died, but it did. If I’m no better than your wives or the other saviors, why don’t you treat me that way?”

He visited your room. There were plenty of other injured saviors, yet he spent a majority of his time with you.

Why? 

“Because I invest in people I think can do fucking better for themselves. You’re one of those fucking people. It’s why I’m pushing so hard for you to stay here.”

“The sex is a bonus?” I gave a sad little laugh, feeling Negan’s lips against my own. This kiss was chaste, gentle.

“If that’s what you want to call it. It’s something I fucking enjoy,” Negan purred. He stood, growling lowly. In one swift motion he’d lifted me from the couch, discarding me onto his bed. I squealed, giggling.

“Sex and…what was the other thing?” I beamed.

“Chocolate covered strawberries.”

~ ~ ~

I awoke first. I could feel Negan’s length poke against my lower back, one arm draped across my torso. We were both in a state of undress, and I’d practically moaned at the feel of soft bedsheets. Hell, they were better than the ones back at Alexandria.

I could get used to this.

I stirred, feeling Negan’s grip on me tighten. Before I could try and slip from his arms he mumbled, “Everything is fucking cancelled today. Stay.”

“Don’t I start babysitting today?” I said sarcastically. “Don’t want to be late.”

“I’m too fucking tired to determine if you’re serious or not. Shit. What time is it?”

“From the angle of the sun I’m guessing—”

“There’s a clock right there, smartass,” Negan replied, kissing my shoulder. Quieter, he said, “Shit, you mouthing off gets my dick hard.”

“I can feel,” I grimaced. I checked the clock — almost nine. I flopped back down, groaning and saying, “It’s to early for me, that’s for sure. Shit. I thought it was, like, lunchtime.”

“Even more of a reason for you to stay,” Negan kissed the back of my neck. His arms snaked around my waist, face nuzzled into my shoulder.

“You’re extra clingy today. What’s the deal?”

“Even though everything around us has turned into a shitshow, I’m feeling pretty fucking content right now,” Negan licked his lips as I turned to face him. “You being with me is the icing on the fucking cake.”

I smiled, but internally I was wincing. I still hadn’t forgotten what he’d told me last night.

He wants you to bury all your feelings for him.

You can’t. Not when he says stuff like this.

Maybe I was incapable of just fucking. Years of abuse and neglect made it very easy for me to get attached. Even now, I still had trouble distinguishing actual romantic feelings from platonic fondness.

“Why are you fucking looking at me like that? Did I say some shit wrong—”

“No. It’s not you. It’s me. It’s always me,” I snorted, struggling not to shed any tears. I could already feel them bubbling up inside me, threatening to spill forth. I didn’t want to burden Negan with whatever stupid shit was on my mind.

“Hey — shit. Don’t cry. Look at me,” Negan cupped my cheek with his hand. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s not important.”

“Yes, it is. It’s fucking important to me,” Negan replied. “Start talking.”

“About what you said last night. About…burying whatever feelings I have for you. I can’t. I don’t know how. I can’t tell if I’m in love with you, or if I’m only feeling this way because you’re one of the few people to ever give me attention like this. To care. Or maybe I’m in love with the idea of being in love. I don’t know. It’s all a big, confusing mess.”

Negan took a long pause. His face gave away nothing. I immediately began worrying that he’d kick me from his bed for rambling on.

Before he could say anything, I added, “I’m fucked up in the head, Negan. I have been, way before the world ended. Maybe this isn’t the right choice. Maybe I need to grow up some.”

“If you get any older, you’re going to fucking pass me. You don’t need to ‘grow up’ — you’ve aged enough. Hell, you’ve been dealing with this shit for years? Before the dead started walking around, eating people and shit like that? The fact that you’re alive, even after all that, is a fucking triumph,” Negan said firmly. “I’d trust you with fucking anything, because I know you could get it done. But what you’re talking about now — I’ve said my fucking piece, Rachel. I can’t love. Not anymore. I don’t feel shit — no happiness, no sadness, no nothing. I just…am. I do what I have to do and don’t think about it.”

“What about when Regina shot me? You would have let me die if you didn’t really care. I know you saw something in me. I know that. But you didn’t have to kill Regina. You didn’t have to throw her out the window. She did her job — it was a mistake. If she were alive, I would have forgiven her and moved on. You reacted because  it hurt you to see me hurt.” Negan rubbed his eyes, chuckling to himself. At first I thought he was going to scold me, but instead he murmured, “Shit. I never fucking though about that. I didn’t remember what it fucking felt like,” he threw his head back and laughed. “Holy fuck. That’s what it was. I fucking remember that now.”

“Negan—”

“I felt like I couldn’t fucking move on when Lucille died. I sat in the fucking corner like a pathetic fucker, numb to the core. Couldn’t even put her out of here misery,” Negan said. “I told myself I’d never feel that way again. Couldn’t even keep my own fucking promise.”

“You,…felt that with me?”

“Fuck yes. But I wouldn’t have been able to put you down myself after you turned. I knew I would. Seeing you as one of them would have fucking broken me, and I guess I know why.”

You can say it now.

“I love you.”

Negan met my gaze, smiling. His face was flushed, and I could tell that he was embarrassed, like a young kid approaching his first crush. It amplified his boyish charm, tenfold.

“Shit—”

“Try and say it without cursing.”

“That’s no fucking fun. Besides, you curse just as much as me,” Negan leaned in for a kiss, murmuring, “I fucking love you, too.”

[tierra]

When being a woman is NOT fun....

Post 19/30

I’d love to be able to channel my inner hippie every month and be that person who can think “Oh what a beautiful thing it is to be a woman, able to bear children and have this ‘special’ time every month. I feel so in touch with my true womanly-self”...What. Bullshit.

First of all, I don’t want to fucking have children. Yeah, it’s hella cool that I’m ABLE to create a child inside my body. Yeah, it’s hella cool that I CAN birth a 8 lb baby through these fabulous ass hips. But guess what’s not cool?

Being a bitch for 5 days out of every month and having little to no control of it. I know, some people might argue that I CAN control it. By making sure I eat right, maybe spending a shit load more of my monthly income on hormone supplements, or just trying harder to focus on the positives (????). But the fact of the matter is, my body is literally lacking the chemicals required to feel happy, calm, and anxiety-free. I could take supplements all day long, but it’s no guarantee my body will absorb/accept them, right? (Any advice would be appreciated.... practical and financially conscious ways to not be a bitch every month??) I don’t trust going to the internet and my functional medicine doctor seems to think the only solution is to get off birth control...

Which, OK. Might be the fix-all. But I’ve been on birth control since I was 16 years old and I’m terrified to go off of it (Mostly cuz...yikes, kids right now? I could write a whole post about why I’ve chosen to not bear children in this stage of my life, but that’s for a different day.) I have an IUD (Mirena). I’ve thought about trying the non-hormone copper one instead....but my memories of having terrible cramps like I did in high school are preventing me from being brave enough. IF anyone has thoughts on their copper IUD, I’d love to hear them, also.

Anyway, back to my HELLA COOL week. I felt angry at every person who said something I thought was incorrect (ignorance much). I felt angry every time Chaz said something to hurt my ego (IGNORANCE much). I wanted to sit on the couch and eat hella junk food (which, in my house, is cashews, banana chips and sweet potato chips)...and when I say “hella”, I mean like a whole bag PLUS one serving.... and then maybe the rest of that bag. I totally gave in to this over-indulging self-loathing hate-everything attitude all week long. And it did me NO good at all. In fact, I’ve created a list of the consequences of all the negative energy I put into the universe this week:

* Chaz and I getting into an ongoing argument

* Confidence at an all-time low

* Not wanting to surround myself with people for fear of rubbing my angry on them

* Questions being misconstrued at work

* Body stiff due to lack of exercise

* Stomach slightly grumbly/fucked up

I’m starting this Saturday off differently than how the rest of my week went. This weekend, in an effort to really focus on me, I’m going to:

Go to yoga one time

Create something new in my home (bake, cook, paint)

Do yoga in my house 1x (I’ve been avoiding this...)

Write a letter to a far away friend

Clean out my clothes closet

Make a plan to stop binging

Plan for our trip to Belize

Just be okay with being okay

I listened to a guided meditation about being okay with being okay. Basically, this gal was saying how growing up, she always felt like if something really good wasn’t happening, that something bad had to/was going to happen. And if it didn’t, it needed to be created. Obviously, her mindset wasn’t consciously saying “I need to create something bad”, but subconsciously her mind was already doing it out of fear and anxiety. But sometimes, in fact, more often than not, life is not going to be one extreme or the other. It’s always going to be ebbing and flowing and in between each ebb and flow is a period when things are just “okay.” I would love to say that my life is so wonderful just as much as I’d like to say that last week was a shitty ass week that is making my weekend shitty always. But that’s not true. Life is okay as of this very moment. And that is totally okay. I’m working on myself, I’m doing everything right and continuing to better my habits every day.

Some awesome achievements:

I’ve been meditating every single day for longer than I did last week.

I haven’t gone out to eat.

I haven’t called in sick to work despite me feeling ill several days (cue PMS illness)

I was able to (calmly) tell Chaz “I need to talk about this tomorrow, when I’m not as anxious” when having a discussion.

I recognized and diffused a panic attack before I said something I regretted.

See? I can focus on the good :) even if it’s not that exciting.

I thought this post was going to focus on the bullshit women say about loving their periods and shit. But it turned into something MUCH more positive, so I’m going to roll with it.

Now, I’m going to enjoy my version of a “shamrock” (mint and spinach) shake and throw some corned beef in the crock pot and enjoy the rest of my day.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, dear friends.

Peace, love, and feeling fine,

Tara