#her suffering fuels me. I cannot explain

[quibble-auk]

Transformer OC lore!

Previous

@thebrokenmechanicalpencil I’m so sorry. I was gonna make more fluff but… yeah.

I actually don’t have a reason for writing this. But I had fun, got to write some angst instead of working on the next part of the Pre-war plot. And since I still can’t decide on what time I’m going to focus on I’m just going over parts I already have lol.

This would probably be more impactful if I waited until later… but I wrote it now so enjoy.

Forget Me Not’s are such a small flower, huh?

—

WARNINGS!!!: there is a lot of angst. Loss of self? Girlie is literally getting torn soft? It’s not very visually descriptive tho.

—

Sunrazor felt herself tearing apart at the seams. Everything burned.

Her processors screamed, suffocating under raw, unsorted data. It was everywhere, all at once, eating away at her thoughts. Her pain receptors burned like a wildfire. Restraints dug into her plating, leaving her at the mercy of the figures that loomed above. New directives and foreign coding pressed upon the edges of her processor, suffocating her.

Machines forced her breath steady.

Her systems buzzed erratically, fighting against the invasive code that tried to rewrite everything she had known. Protection, loyalty, and service had been directives hardcoded into her core. They had never faltered before, they were steadfast and unwavering—until now. Now, those bonds were being twisted, restructured, manipulated into something foreign, hostile, and wrong.

The mental strain was unbearable. Every thought was hazy and distorted. Sunrazor struggled to process everything, all of the data being thrust upon her along with the assault on her processor. Had it not been for the large fans basting cold air on her from above there was no doubt she would have overheated from stress by now.

Torrent’s commands seeped in like poison, twisting her thoughts until she couldn’t tell where she ended and the code began. It was maddening. She should know what was her and what was not. Sunrazor couldn’t fight back without the risk of damaging herself even more.

I protect.

The phrase burned in her mind, a mantra that had once been her foundation. Protect her charge. Protect Valkyrie. Protect the others. Protect. Protect. But there was a new command—no, a new truth—whispering louder with each passing moment.

Obey.

She recoiled internally, her processor screaming in protest as the word burrowed deeper into her subconscious. It fought to override her instincts, forcing her to abandon everything she had been built to believe in. What little was left of her plating shuttered and pressed against herself. A whine died in her throat as her systems reminded her that her vocalizer had been disabled.

Every flicker of a memory, every familiar thread of her past, was being systematically erased, overwritten by the cold, calculating order of compliance. All of the soft and gentle moments of before seemed to crackle and fade, empty static replacing them.

Evenings spent surrounded by the others—Powercase, Blight, Torque, Rapidstrike, Viliglox, Brimstone—all piling on top of eachother to recharge or watch a film. Watching the gardeners tend to the plants. Learning to dance with Valkyrie. All of it threatened to disappear like they had never mattered in the first place.

Sunrazor wanted to scream.

She didn’t want to forget. They could take her body and her mind and repurpose it for whatever they wanted. She didn’t care if they tore her apart only to rebuild her a thousand times over. But she didn’t want to forget. Not them. Anything but that. She wanted to beg that they leave the memories it tact, to let her remember.

Torrent’s onslaught of coding remained merciless and unwavering. His mental assault became even more focused once it had discovered the weakness. It attacked the very thing her fraying mind was struggling to latch onto. The more he reprogrammed her, the harder it became to remember why she fought in the first place.

Valkyrie.

Her mind screamed the name, the image of her conjunx flaring in her thoughts like a bright light trying to pierce through the fog. Her Conjunx, her world. She was everything. It was a lifeline, something to hold onto, a thread of who she had been. She had to fight for her. Valkyrie needed her. She needed Sunrazor to protect her.

But the moment the image formed, it was shattered by a cascade of new instructions. Forget her. She is irrelevant. You are mine.

Pain seared through her processor and body alike. It threatened to melt her plating and make her paint blister and peel. Sunrazor was open and exposed. They were touching and tearing and ripping her. They did not leave a single part of her unscathed, mentally or physically. It hurt. She wanted them to stop. Why wouldn’t they stop? Could they not hear her—

She needed to stay focused on not forgetting, not losing. Her body didn’t matter, they could have it. They could use it for whatever they needed it for. What mattered was the memories, Valkyrie.

FORGET HER.

OBEY.

Sunrazor’s processor burned with the conflicting commands. Forget—Remember—Obey—Fight. The harder she fought to hold onto the memories, the more they slipped away. They wilted and shriveled under her iron grip like delicate flowers.

Each time she clung to them, something inside her screamed in protest. Every time she let go of the memories something else screeched and recoiled. There was no winning. Conflicting orders tore at her mind in a constant maddening game of tug-of-war.

Forget, but don’t forget.

The new directives pressed against her thoughts like an unrelenting weight. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could hold it before she finally gave out. Her memories of Valkyrie and the others flickered and twisted, turning into nothing more than ghosts of a life she could no longer grasp.

Was it even her life to begin with? Were these Sunrazor’s memories or were they just fantasies her mind had created? Did these people actually exist? Or had her mind bore them into existence just to give her something to hold onto? Did the memories belong to Torrent?

No, he was trying to erase them. They couldn’t be his. They belonged to Sunrazor, they were from before. The memories were of real people. People she cared about. Valkyrie was real, she had to be. She was real and Sunrazor loved her more than anything. And Valkyrie was counting on her to come back to…

What was it she was meant to do?

Protect.

Yes, that’s what it was. Sunrazor was a guardian. She was built to protect. Valkyrie was counting on her to protect her. She had to protect—

No, Obey.

That was right. She needed to obey. To listen—

No. That was Torrent. Not Sunrazor. She didn’t have to listen, she didn’t have to obey, Valkyrie had shown her that. There was more to life than just serving. She was worth something, something more than just her body and labor. She could be more.

Torrent was helping her become more. She should listen to Torrent. He had promised to help Sunrazor become enough. He was going to make her become more so she could… she could… Protect. That's it. So she could protect Valkyrie.

So, why was he trying to make Sunrazor forget?

Every memory was tainted, every instinct questioned. Her very being was under siege. Sunrazor was designed to be loyal, to be unshakable. But loyal to who? Who was she meant to listen to when they both demanded different things? How was she expected to obey when Valkyrie and Torrent couldn’t agree on what she was meant to do?

Sunrazor was loyal to her conjunx—the word seemed to sting within her processor—not to Torrent. She needed to remember, not to forget. She didn’t want to forget, she wanted to remember. She had to remember who Sunrazor was.

Sunrazor was a guardian, she worked in towers as a sentry. She had a family of six other guardians, they were safe, they were her home. She couldn’t remember their names. She had a Conjunx, her name was Valkyrie. Sunrazor liked the rain and the stars. She liked it when her post was in the gardens so she could… She didn’t remember why the gardens were important. Sunrazor wanted to board a starship and explore the countless worlds that lay beyond. She wanted to because… because… Why did she want to see them again?

It was becoming difficult to recall who she had been before.

The person she had been, the protector, the loyal guardian—was she gone already? Could she even fight this anymore? She had lost track of what was hers and what belonged to them. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could resist what Torrent was shoving into her processor. It hurt to fight it, everything hurts.

She couldn’t move or scream and Sunrazor just wanted them to stop. There was too much. The pain, the data her sensors were picking up, the invasive coding, the harsh lights. The sensations of them tearing her apart—rearranging her—to become something she’s not. It hurt.

Primus, it hurt.

In the midst of the agony, there was a moment of clarity. For a second the damaged and jumbled coding that was her processor seemed to make sense. A brief flicker of what she had been. Valkyrie’s face. The warmth of her presence. The promise to protect her, to stand by her side no matter the cost.

A surge. More than obedience—defiance. The final embers of who she was.

I protect.

The directive that they had implemented tried to smother it. Their commands tried to extinguish it before it was able to settle. But for a moment, just a moment, Sunrazor was able to cling to it. She fought against the torrent of control that was being forced into her mind. Her internal systems shook, her frame shuddering with the strain, but she resisted.

She lay trapped on the cold table, tied down, voice stolen, her mind carved apart like she was nothing. Sunrazor might have no control of what was happening or what she was becoming. She may have been at their mercy. The assaulting programming might have been overwhelming and she may have been losing. But she wasn’t gone yet.

Not completely.

But even as the last threads of her identity flickered and fought, she could feel the inevitable coming. How much longer could she hold out before the reprogramming overwhelmed her entirely? How much longer before there was nothing left of Sunrazor, the protector, and only the obedient shell remained?

She didn’t know. But she would keep fighting, keep trying, holding onto what she had been. Even if it was hopeless. Even if there was nothing left.

Sunrazor would keep fighting for her. She wouldn’t give up yet, not when she needed her.

Sunrazor just wished she could remember what her name was.

[hallowpen]

The Concepts of Community & Family as it Relates to Thai Buddhism in Peaceful Property

I really really enjoyed watching this series. I am someone who grew disillusioned with Buddhism at a young age for very personal reasons, only to find my own version of a relationship with it as I grew older and learned to appreciate it from a different perspective. So the spiritual meaning behind this series really resonated with me.

I can only explain things to the best of my personal knowledge, so my apologies if anything is factually incorrect.

There are four basic tenets that one must cultivate in order to achieve true happiness. They are known as the brahmavihara (พรหมวิหาร). 1 - Metta (เมตตา): Literally translating to mean 'goodwill', it is a genuine concern for the well-being of others. 2 - Karuna (กรุณา): Literally translating to mean 'compassion', it is the recognition of another's suffering as one's own and a selfless desire for that suffering to end. 3 - Mutita (มุทิตา): Literally translating to mean 'kindliness', it is the feeling of experiencing sincere gratification from the happiness and success of others, regardless of self-contribution. 4 - Ubeka (อุเบกขา): Literally translating to mean 'equanimity', it is the ability to remain impartial combined with the understanding the we cannot mitigate the personal karma of others.

Essentially, the brahmavihara teaches us to always place others above ourselves... while realizing that they will be responsible for facing their own consequences if they fail to do the same.

How does this play into the "family" dynamics that exist in PP? Oddly enough there are certain facets of Buddhism that preach 'anti-family' values, as family can be one's primary source of attachment and suffering. There is a quote that states, "Family is the blood that burdens you." However, when a familial bloodline has lost its way (or in this case, has been "cursed"), Buddhism encourages surrounding yourself with a community that is organized on a familial basis... what we would call 'sangha' or 'found family'. Valuing the members of that found family above corrupt ideology would realign one's path toward enlightenment. Or in simpler terms, the people we choose to surround ourselves with can spiritually save us from ourselves.

Home's family has been "cursed" by the three poisons of Buddhism: greed, hatred, and ignorance. Phon's greed and value of worldly possessions over others has led her down of path of literal darkness, toward a belief in the occult. Somkid's hatred toward his father has fueled his deceptive behaviors... which he saw as a way to reclaim a father's love (that he believed he never received) from the people who didn't deserve it. Home's grandfather was ignorant as to how his actions, or lack thereof, affected the family and community that surrounded him.

Home's own version of ignorance would have led to his own karmic downfall. The series does a great job of having Home slowly discover the true meaning of home by integrating him within a 'found family' that teaches him the values of the brahmavihara... which ultimately leads to his spiritual 'awakening' (in a sense).

Metta/Karuna: Communicating with and healing the souls of the spirits the group encounter, requires compassion and understanding... a sense of community/sangha that these spirits and Chobkol (the magician) were lacking.

There were several instances of compassion born out of goodwill, the most obvious being between Home and Peach. Forgiveness is a big deal in Thai Buddhism. It is one of the cornerstones of what we refer to as "harmonious justice", as it promotes ideals of true selflessness. Peach forgiving Home because he's seen the changes in Home and how this one action does not define who Home actively wants to become was really really important. Home and Peach exist in balance of one another... keeping them on a shared karmic path where Home can no longer 'turn a blind eye' to his family's injustices (we could get into that more, but that'll make this even longer than it already is 😜😜😜). I think having Tay and New take on these roles to almost ease the minds of non-Buddhist viewers toward a more Buddhist ideology was actually quietly genius.

Sangha is also what heals the vengeance in Kan's heart, born of the teachings of Metta: "We must refrain from inflicting suffering upon one another and be free from vengeance." It could have been woven into the narrative with a bit more finesse... but I digress.

Ubeka: Home accepts the rightfully directed anger and complaints against him and his family for the harm they have caused. His partiality toward his family, simply because he is related to them, disappears. He stands against his aunt and fights against his uncle at the risk of his own life. And he does so by still allowing them to face the karmic consequences of their own terrible crimes... whether they are at peace with it or not.

Mutita: Home celebrates Peach's dreams above his own wishes... without knowing that they would eventually coincide. I could even argue that their eventual correlation could be a result of Home's 'good karma' paying forward.

Home had to reevaluate his core morals in order to be free of his family's curse (meaning within himself). All these representations of Buddhist notions, born from within his newfound family, are what define Home's idea of the true meaning of home... and happiness.

[bardic-tales]

The Leviathan method: Step 24: Flesh Out Factions

This next step of the Leviathan Method has me developing the factions in greater detail. There are four factions that make up Blood and Stardust: Jenova's Influence, Outsiders, Shinra, and SOLDIER (which is an offshoot of the Shinra faction).

Below, I explain how the Shinra faction relates to Bianca Moore, the protagonist of Fantasy Worlds Collide and Blood and Stardust. For anyone who is following along with this that have never played Crisis Core or the OG game, please know that there is a significant spoiler for FF VII below.

Bianca Moore – Relationship with the Shinra Faction

Content Warning: abuse, captivity, coercion, experimentation, forced involvement, mental decline, psychological manipulation, suffering, trauma, violence, vengeance.

Is Bianca a Member of Shinra?

No, Bianca is not a member of Shinra, nor is she affiliated with any of its sub-factions, including SOLDIER. However, due to her close relationship with Sephiroth and her immense magical potential, she is viewed as a potential asset or threat by Shinra's leadership.

Was Her Involvement Voluntary or Forced?

Bianca's entanglement with Shinra is entirely involuntary. She arrives on Gaia with no prior knowledge of Shinra or its control over the planet. However, her growing bond with Sephiroth and her presence during the Nibelheim Incident place her directly in Shinra's crosshairs. When Sephiroth destroys Nibelheim and vanishes, Shinra takes immediate action, capturing Bianca, Zack, and Cloud to experiment on them.

Though she is not a member of Shinra, her capture at the end of Blood and Stardust forces her into their hands, marking the beginning of her descent into torment under Hojo's experiments.

Restrictions and Privileges of Her Involvement

Because Bianca is a captive, not a member, she experiences only restrictions rather than privileges:

Bianca is imprisoned by Shinra at the end of Blood and Stardust, stripped of her agency and subjected to experimentation.

As an unknown entity possessing powerful magic, she is of great scientific interest to Hojo (and then Diana Ravenscroft). He views her celestial-demonic physiology as something to be studied, to test with Jenova cells, and manipulated.

Bianca’s connection to Sephiroth makes her valuable. If Shinra cannot use her as an asset, they would rather eliminate her to prevent her from aiding Sephiroth in the future.

How Does Shinra Affect Her Personal Relationships?

Shinra's influence indirectly strengthens Bianca's bond with Sephiroth. She arrives on Gaia already on the run from her past, but after seven days of staying by Sephiroth’s side, she witnesses his mental decline as he uncovers the truth about his origins. The more she sees how Shinra betrayed him, the more her hatred for them grows. This shared resentment fuels her devotion to Sephiroth and solidifies her decision to follow him into darkness.

Bianca has no illusions about Shinra’s cruelty. By the time she is captured, she loathes them completely. However, her hatred fully manifests after her escape, when she emerges from Hojo’s lab as someone irrevocably changed. Shinra becomes an enemy she seeks to annihilate, aligning her with Sephiroth’s vendetta against the corporation.

Quick Reference:

She is an enemy and a captive, not an affiliate.

She is captured by Shinra after the Nibelheim Incident, marking the beginning of her suffering under their control.

Shinra strips her of her freedom, experiments on her, and sees her as either a tool or a liability.

Their shared hatred for Shinra becomes a core part of their relationship.

By the time she escapes, she is no longer just a fugitive. She is a vengeful force determined to see Shinra fall.

tagging some fellow mutuals: @themaradwrites @whatwedointhecraft @megandaisy9 @watermeezer

@prehistoric-creatures @creativechaosqueen @chickensarentcheap @seastarblue

@inkandimpressions @arrthurpendragon

[nemo-in-wonderland]

"It is expected, an oath by blood to hold the tome And the starlight passes overhead Fuels all the skills I've honed I am a guardian, a watcher of these ancient rites Yet I find myself drawn from that path On those dazzling moonlit nights

Let me hold you, keep you close to me I long to hear your voice But dearest, I know better now I must give you this choice

I can give you everything you need Or do you want to hear me plead? Just look my way, just look my way Is there something more that I don't know That you won't say 'til we've both grown cold? Just say, "Please, stay, look my way"

This unspoken contract, a deed we forged for mutual gain If that's all that was when you're not here What is this rooted pain? I don't care that you're of lower station Or primed to sate my dark temptations Why can't you understand? Let me explain

And I'm terrified, as I cry To make these feelings true What's left for me and my broken heart If I cannot have you

Unless it's me And no matter what in this world I could give It's not enough To break through the walls you've conjured up to live Is this what you feel? Scorned by a realm that cannot comprehend What you are So I'll grant you this mercy, this bind on our souls needs to end

I will try to make amends For making you means to an end So look my way, please, look my way And if there's something more that I don't know I'll save us both before we grow cold If you'll stay, just say, "Look my way"

JUST LOOK MY WAY (STOLAS' LAMENT) - cover by Caleb Hyles

While I was brainstorming today for the artwork, I couldn't find a moment of respite, because my mind was going back and forth thinking how to ansker the ask I got earlier on, and I had to actually let my ideas out and at least do something about it.

So, I went, picked a song from my Mephistea's playlist and just went to town with this Mephistea's Moodboard!!

(And I was so happy that I actually managed to found the Infernal font, so that I could write Mephisto and Aranea's name there :D :D)

I am actually happy with how this turned out, even if I always suffer a little that I can never find a perfect representation for Aranea 😭😭😭😭

But I love Carice too much as her FC, so I am just going with the flow (as I always do lolol).

I hope you will like this!

--Nemo

[shit-taster-connoisseur]

fav ship / character and least fav ship / character? 🙏🙏🙏

favorite ship:

who couldve seen this coming?/j

read more as it's just me taking any excuse to yap BDJD

honestly, how talk abt them to friends sometimes arent my actual characterizations of their dynamic/relationship. But really they're spinning in my head like a microwave everyday, so my interpretation of them of them generally change depending on settings, aus, or just my mood.

The thing that draws me to them is the fact that Fanny seems like a loyal solider(quite literally), but to where she'd definitely throw herself off a cliff for her leader/command(for rachel only really.) Meanwhile Rachel is pretty oblivious to the length Fanny would go for her – and visa versa. They're devoted to each other, yet are scared to repair their fractured friendship at the same time(mostly on fanny's side).

Honestly idk how to explain it xjsb

also the fact Fanny was Rachel's runner up for her GOT fuels me everyday, cause besides this moment, we don't really get too many moments where rachel isn't pissed at fanny for reasons.

could just be her being harsh as it comes with a leader, cause welp, fanny does fuck up a lot. But with these interactions you'd think Rachel wouldve considered ANYBODY else – besides nigel – for her second choice. so 1000000000% rachel had to have ALOT of trust in Fanny to place her as a second in command of an entire global organization, despite her trackrecord of botched missions(which, honestly i believe is why Nigel had been Rachel's first choice, because while nigel had seen mostly sucess in his teams' mission, fanny had gotten the short end of the stick and just faces failure after failure from what we've seen.)

uhhh anyways!! Fanny fell first(unknowingly) amd by the time they become teenagers, Rachel ends up falling harder and depressingly misses her GOT while she's suffering in TND orientation.

TLDR: a shitty anaylsis(barely) on how loyal moonbabes are to one another and they have trust!! I'm not normal about them

If ur curious abt my ranking for ships than here ya go:

1. Moonbabes

2. Lizzie/10

3. Wally/Kuki

4. Kuki/Fanny(or alternatively; Fanny/Kuki/Rachel)

Favorite character?

It's technically split down the middle between Rachel and Fanny, but my focus usually flipflops. So this week we got:

1. Rachel

2. Fanny

3. Chad

4. Cree

5. Negative 362 and Negative 86

Rachel: for reasons, honestly, I loved her since i was a kid. There's a lot to disect about her, and i love that, love her position, her personality, the kind of the role she plays, etc etc idk how to explain any of jt, or the specfics so you get this short ass summary instead

-also headcanon: her relationship with Harvey is rather strained, so Rachel tries to make it up to him by favoring him when it comes to mission assignments when he joined the KND, he also struggles to get her approval by completing them

Fanny: ashamed to admit, i cannot sit through a fanny episode withoht needing to pause and pace around – but like rachel, i like pretty much everything about her, she's interesing to disect as so much of her background is left up for interpretation. Like why did ahe join ths decommissioning squad? Why is she the way she is? Because of the decom squad or her time as a nurse, or just life in general bxns?

-headcanon: Her real name is Francine, and Fanny's a nickname because she thought it sounded less mature and didnt put too much thought in it's meaning in Ireland cuz she didnt live there that long (also her mother didnt have the heart to sit her down and explain it to her at her young age)

other global ops dont bat an eye to it, unfortunately Irish operatives cringe everytime they hear her name.

3. Chad is a loser. A failure. And i love him for that/j but actually, his entire character is interesting, and so much is left in the air for me to dig my teeth into and make up shit for him. One major headcanon i've convinced myself of for him is that he's related to rachel/harvey (cousins???)

-another hc: he's on the aromatic spectrum(shout to friend Amber for the idea cmdb)

4. Cree love her. I can forgive a woman of her crimes always xmsn one reason she's high up on the my list this week is she's interesting(duh), but like all the others she has so much character/info on her but little bits not filled to where i can just make up shit- canonically, i love her role, hsr character, she's an amazing villian/antagonist steals the show everytime - i'd pay warburton with my own money to write what she was like as a KND operative, she is quite skilled from the bits we've witnessed in flashbacks and in the present. One thing that runs through my mind is that Warburton in a Q&A, hinted that Cree probably wouldnt have scouted by the TND, that she was already trekking on a dark path while in the KND. BSJDB

-Headcanon: her and chad and steve have nights where they just hangs out and they watch stuff on Adult Swim. She probably likes South park

5. -362 and -86, got nothing to abt thene beyond they're silly(and possibly evil)

Least favorite Character/Ship

To be honest, i got no hate towards any of the characters in KND, they're all really interesting in their own way.

If i had make a tier list tho-

He'd be at the bottom. Only because he'd definitely call me a slur/j

And for ships, i'm not a multi shipper but i'm neutral to most.

tho fanny x a man will kill me, Cuz man, idk how you can look me straight in the eyes and tell me she's not lesbian,

Just LOOK AT HER

-

Thank you for the ask!!

[oneluckydragon]

I have a few questions about Echo!

1) when did she know she used to be Darkrai? My guess is at Dark Crater, either when she first laid eyes an Darkrai and just *knew,* or something about Palkia's speech about what could happen to Darkrai after being attacked in the portal.

2) what caused the scar on her neck? (Probs darkrai tbh)

3) alright so this is probably me overthinking things but did Echo change genders?? Asking cause Darkrai is typically referred to as 'he/him', and he has a distinctly masculine voice in his movie. Plus, it also makes sense with Darkrai and Cresselia being opposites: Cress is canonically a female while Darkrai is depicted as a male, full moon vs new moon, sweet dreams vs nightmares, day and night, light and dark, and so on. So did Darkrai go from he/him to ???/??? (as a 'human') to she/her? Did Darkrai just not give a shit? Have we been accidentally misgendering Darkrai this whole time?

Basically I'm asking b/c 1) confusion, and 2) is it another layer of symbolism about how Echo is nothing like her former self?

@maxtheirisagent tagging you like requested!

Thanks so much for asking about Echo! I'm happy to answer any questions so feel free to pester me whenever you'd like. It's so exciting that someone wants to know more about her. c:

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++

The truth about Echo's past life as Darkrai clicked the moment she first met Cresselia within Azurill's nightmare.

Not only did she piece the truth together because the sight of her long-lost sister-- someone she had scorned and despised and hated in her original life-- jarred her so much that it cleared away some of the fog in her memory. But it was the feeling. The rush of anger, of fury, the ache she felt upon seeing Cresselia again after years and years of separation. It awoke something inside Echo that felt real in a way she couldn't ignore. Like a puzzle piece finally slotting into place.

And even more, Echo had her suspicions leading up to said point. She cannot dream at all. Not ever. Never figured out why during her time as a human and Eevee, and yet other Pokemon tend to suffer nightmares around her (even as a human, this ability Bad Dreams never went away) which had caused some pain for both Sora and Grovyle over the years. And Echo never shared the secret that she doesn't dream. She never confessed to suspecting that these nightmares might be her fault, so Sora and Grovyle never understood the origins of their own nightmares either-- but Echo was able to deduce that she was indeed the source of the problem. Especially after Chatot had explained that Darkrai caused nightmares and pain wherever he went, and the correlation between Echo's powers, her amnesia, her sudden appearance on the beach, her life with Grovyle in the dark future, the Dimensional Scream/connection to the Time Gears, and Darkrai's personality were too coincidental.

What solidified this conclusion is that while Cresselia was traveling with Team Wish during their attempts to reach Dark Crater, Sora did not suffer nightmares at all-- for the first time in what seemed like ages. And it was a like a gut punch, a vicious stab in the heart, and Echo immediately knew why. It was because Cresselia was accompanying them, and her gentle light purifies bad dreams and brings good health. Someone that could cancel out the nasty effect Echo seems to have on others... and it did. Cresselia DID cancel out these nightmares and that could only mean one thing.

And Echo was angry, then. Angry at Cresselia. Angry at herself. And fueled that anger towards fighting Darkrai for the sake of everyone she loved.

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++

You're right! The scar on Echo's neck is indeed from Darkrai. In fact, both of Echo's scars (the large one along her neck AND the one denting her leg as an Eevee/Umbreon or rather on her arm as a human). Each one was received technically at the same time, but with a twist! During the final battle at Dark Crater, Echo and Darkrai both went berserk and clashed in a desperate attempt to knock each other out.

Echo inflicted a wound onto Darkrai which took sizeable chunks out of his forearm. When Palkia shattered the dimensional portal it then instantly scarred that injury and Darkrai then carried it through ALL future lifetimes. Which is why Echo still has that scar as a Human -> Eevee -> Umbreon. Despite Darkrai receiving this injury during the peak of their final battle, Echo has bore it for all of her past lives up until the point she actually GIVES it to Darkrai. A new wound for him. An old wound for her.

Simultaneously, Darkrai inflicted the neck scar onto Echo who then carries this mark the rest of her life as an Umbreon. It's a bit of a coincidence that her neck scar ends up somewhat, strangely, resembling the red fringe that Darkrai has around his own neck. She finds this to be some kind of messed up joke being played on her by the universe, because now there's ANOTHER reminder of her old life being thrust in her face whenever she catches a glimpse of her reflection. (It's bad enough looking like Dusknoir as an Umbreon, but now this too? How unfortunate.)

A major purpose to these scars is that I think they are a bold (albeit complicated) way to show that both your past and present choices can cause self-harm when destructive, and that it can leave permanent marks that will haunt you through your entire life (or lives in this case!) but that in the end it doesn't define you. Despite everything, you can still grow beyond the trauma inflicted upon yourself. You can be more than the bad choices that hurt you. You can learn to live beyond your own perception and expectations! You can let go of your own mistakes and let them heal/scar, let them fade. And move on to be better.

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++

And my friend, you are not overthinking things. I haven't explained Echo's progression through her life-stages yet, but hopefully I can shed some light on that topic now. (Apologies ahead of time if this is overly convoluted!)

Echo did change gender! Like this:

(Darkrai) he/him or they/them -> (Human) they/them -> (Eevee/Umbreon) she/her or they/them

The reasoning behind this particular progression is that I am guilty of inserting the main game lore into PMD. Whenever I think of legendary or mythical Pokemon (that aren't officially assigned male or female like Latios and Latias) I always immediately think of them as nonbinary in my mind. Darkrai in the PMD universe seems to use male pronouns as mentioned (or rather in the movie, like you stated, had a male-presenting voice) so I think Echo would have used he/him as a personal preference while living as Darkrai. However, he was still technically "genderless" as a mythical (or even nonbinary) and thus was comfortable with they/them as well.

Echo as a human is nonbinary and no longer uses male pronouns. I like to think of them as Echo's "blank slate" form. They think, feel, and appear in very simple but strong terms. And as such their gender binary has been washed away too! They use they/them because it's what Grovyle chose when he met them in the dark future. Grovyle decides that Echo is human based on what minimal knowledge he's gained from ancient tales/myths/glyphs about extinct humans, but he has no idea what a true human would look like since humanity is long dead. And since Echo has no distinct male or female characteristics as a pseudo-human, Grovyle doesn't shove them into a specific box of labels and instead starts using they/them to accommodate. Echo accepts it. Besides, with both amnesia clouding their past and a body that doesn't quite fit, Echo never really felt compelled to argue against his decision. It seemed counter-intuitive and like a waste of energy to argue. Echo was too busy being angry about other things to really care.

Echo as an Eevee/Umbreon uses she/her pronouns. This is because Sora starts using them immediately upon meeting Echo on the beach, and Echo (with a second round of amnesia and a body that now presents more towards female appearances) accepts it because it just makes sense. She has no memory of her past, and because Sora wholeheartedly starts calling Echo "she", well, Echo just goes with it. Because someone as sweet as Sora must know what she's talking about, right? She doesn't seem like the type to lie or play pranks, after all.

Additional note: Even as an Eevee/Umbreon, Grovyle still uses they/them for Echo since that's what he's used too. And Echo is fond of him using it anyway, so she is comfortable with it. It feels like a little promise between them. And it brings back some of the sparse good memories Echo had with Grovyle while stuck in the dark future together.

Additional ADDITIONAL note: Once Echo and Cresselia have begun reconciliation and start repairing their sibling relationship, she often refers to Echo has her "brother" out of old habit (eons of habit, really). Cresselia normally apologizes for the mistake and tries to correct herself but Echo isn't bothered by this at all. "I'm still your brother," Echo tells her, "If that's what you want to call me, then I see no reason to stop." And Cresselia appreciates it, because she's really trying, but it might take a little bit to re-train herself.

And you got it, my friend! The change in Echo's pronouns IS symbolism about how Echo has grown/evolved beyond her original self. That she is no longer the same being of pain and fury that Darkrai was-- and that she has moved away from this shadow of her past. That she has struggled to become something she's proud of, someone tempered by patience and hope. Love has changed Echo, and thus Echo is happy with this new version of herself because her loved ones chose it for her. And she is okay with that!

I also really enjoy the idea that while Echo and Cresselia are still opposites in both powers and personality, they now share common ground on at least ONE thing after being entirely different for their whole mutual existence. They can relate. They can be siblings again. They can heal. And they do together, they work and work and work on being good to each other and being overall better individuals. And they learn to love each other again. <3

[jor-elsemissary]

Whump Lionel idea

If Lionel didn't die. Then he would have a fun conversation with the Jor-el clone that showed up in the magic orb Tess had in her closet.

Jor-el: So you are Lionel luthor. Interesting

Lionel then starts to growl. Because he has hears that voice before. He KNOWS that voice. "YOU!"

Clark holds Lionel back from killing this man in a blood fueled rage. Jor-el looks at Lionel. He stares at him.

"You have his eyes." Jor-el blurts out.

Lionel then...just stood still.

Clark was puzzled by the sudden change in Lionel’s demeanor. It was as if he had the proverbial wind knocked out of him and he didn’t know what to do. What did his father mean that Lionel had his eyes? Who’s eyes? Then it took him a second longer for it to hit him.

The man who had killed Louise.

That man had been Lionel’s father.

The young kryptonian released the older human and took a step back with a new outlook on him. He stared at Lionel in pity, remembering he had revealed his own father being abusive toward him. Anyone who was willing to murder another person just so he wouldn’t go to prison had to be a terrible father too.

“You… knew him?” Lionel was quiet and that worried Clark deeply. He has never heard him sound so, defeated.

“He murdered a woman I loved.”

“So all of this?” Lionel gestured around him, encompassing everything that had happened to him and nothing at all. “It is revenge?”

“I like to think of it as a long awaited form of justice,” the clone of his father corrected as he stepped closer to Lionel. “Your father’s sins are yours.”

“The sins of the father are not that of the son’s,” Clark argued on Lionel’s behalf.

“That may be true here,” Jor-El glanced at his son. “But on Krypton, what our fore-bearers do reflects onto our children. Our greatness is your greatness. Our sins are your sins. But only if justice has not been brought to the unjust.”

“You don’t know?” the billionaire snarled, but Clark could hear a little trepidation in it. He was afraid of paying the price for something his father had done. Has been paying that price since the Stone of Transference made him into a vessel for Jor-El.

“That you murdered your father?” Jor-El supplied and Lionel paled. “I know everything you know, Lionel Luthor. You are my vessel, my emissary. What you do and think, I will know.”

“Then you know justice was had the day I asked Morgan to kill him!”

“That was not justice.”

“Your sense of justice is skewered,” Lionel accused.

“An eye for an eye makes everyone go blind.”

Lionel snorted in contempt, “Says the man who has me indentured for the rest of my life.”

Jor-El grabbed him by the throat and lifted the human off of the ground. Clark was about to move in to help Lionel when his father raised a hand for him to wait. “I can change that easily. I can make it an eye for an eye. Your life for Louise’s?”

Lionel held onto Jor-El’s arm desperately, his legs kicking uselessly as he choked slightly. Jor-El didn’t have him in a vice-like grip, but just enough to hold him in place and make his point. “I will not suffer one more second of my father!” he snarled back. “You… you claim to know, you know what he did to me. I am as much of a victim of his as Louise was!”

“That is why you were chosen to serve instead.” Jor-El set him down and Lionel rubbed at his neck. “You have had the chance to serve a purpose greater than your own and you have fulfilled that duty. But do not mistaken this as mercy. Mercy would have been to execute you.”

Lionel swallowed thickly and glanced toward Clark. He saw fear in the human’s eyes and he pitied him even more. This man was going to die serving his family all because of his father.

“Can he be released of this charge?” Clark asked of his father.

“Yes.”

“Then release him.”

“I cannot.”

“Why not?”

“You are the last living member of the House of El,” Jor-El explained. “You have to release him. I, however, advise against it, my son.”

“The sins of the father are not that of the son’s,” Clark reaffirmed and he looked to Lionel. “Lionel…”

“Wait!” he held up his hands to stop him. “What… what happens if I am released of this duty?”

Clark blinked. He hadn’t considered what would happen if he did free the man. “What would happen?”

“He would be freed of his connection with me and the Fortress,” Jor-El tells them and Clark swears he sees a glint of triumph in the clone’s eyes. “All memory and knowledge of Krypton and you would also be lost. He will have no recollection of what has happened to him since the Transference.”

“That’s… that’s almost a decade of memories lost!”

“That is the price to be paid.”

Lionel looked to Clark and then down at the ring he had been given by Martha as a gift, the closest thing either of them were willing to come to marriage. “I would not remember Martha, would I?”

“No.”

“Then I… I will serve.”

“Lionel,” Clark tried to argue and Lionel just shook his head vehemently.

“If anything good came out of this besides you, it is Martha’s love,” Lionel tells him sadly. “I do not want to lose that.”

“Knew you were always after my mother,” Clark huffed but he wasn’t angry at the man.

“Luthor,” Lionel simply said with a grin.

“Then you will serve until the day you die, Lionel Luthor,” Jor-El clarified.

“So be it.”

[galax-dragon]

Three Palestine Fundraisers

Even though I have my inbox closed at the moment because I was getting overwhelmed with donation asks, today I got three requests for donations in the replies on one of my posts (explaining my decision to close my inbox.) A bit odd to me but I want to support these three people the best I can, which is why I am making this post.

First is @samiraayman5:

"Imagine that your wife is pregnant and suffers from anemia and asthma and sleeps on the street. This is my situation. I am in a disaster. Donate and save my life. My tent was flooded and I and my children became homeless and my health was destroyed. Help me and donate so that I can reach my goal before I miscarry my baby."

Their campaign is vetted by @90-ghost and their donation link is here. ($2,577/$20,000)

Second is @abeerayman6:

"My tent was burned and destroyed. My children and I are sleeping in the street. There is no shelter or tent and its price is expensive, about 600 euros. I do not have money to buy a tent or treatment or food. My children suffer from anemia and exhaustion. There is no clothing or food and winter is coming. Please save our lives. All this is happening to us. We are in famine. All this has not moved your conscience. Please donate to us."

Not sure if this is vetted, please tell me if it is, but it seems legit. Here is the donation link. (€1,420/€60,000)

The final person is @maria-gaza3:

"Maria’s family, once settled in northern Gaza, has faced unimaginable hardship since the outbreak of conflict on October 13. At 21, Maria is a pharmacy student, dedicated to her studies despite the dire circumstances. The family of six was forcibly displaced, moving south multiple times as they endured relentless bombing, destruction, and displacement. The war has ravaged their lives profoundly. Their home was destroyed, and Maria's father, who owned a perfume business, lost everything—his shops and warehouses burned to the ground. The family’s struggle is compounded by starvation, diseases, and the constant interruption of essential services like electricity and fuel. The family’s situation is further exacerbated by the loss of their livelihoods and the death of numerous relatives."

Vetted by association by @wafaaresh6, who is vetted by @90-ghost. Donation link is here. ($12,149 CAD/$30,000 CAD)

If you are in my situation and cannot donate please share these campaigns/at least reblog!!

[sorastage]

crying to prank mammon :(

warnings but not really // mammon is a massive tsundere, no gender mention, mams is a gambling aaaaadict, light sw*****g

mammon <3

alright, it’s been at least… seven hundred and forty-two days one day where you have had to suffer, struggle and strive to survive without mammon’s love and attention. why is he not paying any attention to you??

does anyone need to point it out…

it’s clearly those diavolo-forsaken online poker games.

endlessly bored, you’re scrolling on fabsnap.

there’s a girl that’s made a ‘prank’ video where she cries to see who really loves her.

have you just seen the greatest idea of all time?

a few minutes after rubbing your eyes as aggressively as you could, you knock on his door.

“hellllloooooooo???” you caaaall out, trying your best to sound broken and upset.

“mc? hurry up and get inside, i’m trying to focus here.”

okay, a bit of ignorance mixed with attitude, but you’re about to fix that.

you BASHHHH the door wide open!

��

he didn’t notice..?

you stand in confusion.

alright...

time to go all out!

full on. seven year old. style tantrum.

rolling on the floor. screaming and flailing. your throat will probably be sore from this exertion for a while.

finally, the gambling addict notices and drops his phone and runs to your side, but you’re too busy to notice because you’re currently wailing like a seven year old.

mammon grabs your waist and shakes you as much as he can and you slowly come to a standstill.

breathing heavily, eyes red. he asks you,

“what the actual fuck is wrong with you?”

this question surprises you. you were expecting a response as sweet as honey, sweet sugar dripping from his voice. but this is somehow, really, really, reaaaaally funny.

you explode into laughter and you cannot be stopped. there is no warning for the unknown sounds that came from your voice box.

“mc… what’s wrong? why are you laughing? what’s funny? why were you sad? are you alright?”

soooooo many questions, they only fuel the laughter.

you definitely have his attention now. he’s suddenly all worried at your bipolar behaviour but he couldn’t have cared less a few minutes ago…

you start to relax. you breathing steadies and you try your best to explain what happened.

“crying… fake… prank… you’re worried… your gambling isn’t so important now… haha…”

oh.

mammon starts to understand.

he doesn’t look very happy.

“so the great mammon is just a joke to you?! well, it’s not like i cared anyway! you can cry all you want next time and i’ll never ever ever ever help you ever again! see how you like that, dumb human!” mammon grumbles and walks back to his phone, inspecting it for damage.

yes. because that is a believable sentence from mammon.

maybe it’s enough bullying mammon for now.

maybe.

“since you don’t care at all… i’m going to ask lucifer to help me find some sore throat medicine.”

as you strut out of his room, you hear clambering down the stairs.

typical.

————————

i am very lazy it has taken me very long to write another story lol. i guess good things take time but this is a little incoherent to me so i hope it made sense.

thanks for reading innit.

[phoenixkaptain]

One could argue that my obsession with specifically the bloodier sections of Hannibal, the scenes that show humans in excruciating pain, as well as my obsession with Red Dragon’s depiction of Will’s imagination, painful and attractive in the most disgusting way, both paved the way for my becoming obsessed with such properties as Claustrophilia (a novel that honestly reads like Hannibal got his hands on season 1 Will, I’m dead serious, they even mention Silence of the Lambs, like, author knows) and Saw (a property thay pretty much deals exclusively in human suffering)

It could also explain my fascination with the idea inherent within all these properties, that being the idea that a human who is put through immense suffering might then decide to put other humans through the same or worse. Hannibal put a lot of emphasis on Hannibal himself specifically wanting Will to kill with him, to reveal his inner self, so to speak. Red Dragon Will fears killing people immensely for fear that he would be seduced by the bloodlust curdling inside of him. Claustrophilia, I don’t want to spoil if anyone wants to read it, but it shares that same idea. The only character in Saw who survives a Jigsaw trap without either joining a depressing group therapy session or becoming one of Jigsaw’s many (many) protegés is the lady who cut off her arm in, like, movie 6.

It could also explain why I like the idea of obsessive characters. Characters who are obsessed to the point of murder, characters with the internal motivation that if they cannot have something, no one can. The so-called “yandere” character who would rather kill their love than not have them locked in a box in the basement.

(Does Saw fit this frame? I don’t know, man, that one guy’s “trap” was just talking. All he had to do was sit calmly and have a semi-nice chat with another dude. Who sets that trap up without at least a little hint of obsession? And the glass coffin scene, man, I do not even have to go there, we all know. And carrying around the only remaining body part? Even for planting evidence, like, dude. Dude.)

(Does Red Dragon fit this? Yes. Hannibal literally stabbed Will so Will would be permanently physically changed by him. He gives the Dragon of the title Will’s address in hopes that something will happen that will once again change Will’s entire life so he can never forget about Hannibal. The first time Hannibal talks to Clarice in Silence of the Lambs, he asks about Will and, more specifically, Will’s looks. Red Dragon fits this, I cannot emphasize enough how many murderers want to break Will’s back in any way they can, like, it’s practically an epidemic (it’s two people))

What is it that fascinates me so? The blood? The fuel of all life? The changing a person so fundamentally that they can’t move without thinking of the one who changed them? The holding on too tight? The tragedy? The absolutely hilarious AUs that can be written? Yes.

[alterrune]

[1 New Message] [From: Charles Calvin]

Hey guys, it's me, Charles! I have exactly been able to keep in touch with you all, but when I saw a bunch of robotics and weapons being offered to us by a man named 'Joe Sutton', I felt like getting back to messaging you all. Galeforce has been really busy dealing with The Viper's, because Sarah believes that anyone who is affiliated and helping The Toppat's is complicit in her suffering and death of her mom. I get that Sarah is still hurting from Terence's former rule and her mom's death, but she's taking thing's too far. Still, I hope she can still be saved. Galeforce is allowing me to head over to you all, who knows, maybe I'll be able to work with you all again!

(After the helicopter lands...)

CHARLES!

Henry! Long time, no see, big guy! Uh...you okay with a hug?

I was about to ask you that. I'm wide open, bud.

(Henry gives Charles a quick hug before letting go. Charles then notices my wheelchair.)

Uh...what happened with you, Kyle?

Long story. I'll explain on the way.

(As we all walk [or in my case, drive] to the Airship landing pad, I explain everything that happened since he left last time.)

Whoa! You guys have been seriously busy. Inklings, Personas, ninjas...and you all did just as good as I thought you would.

Yeah. The Airship took some damage from Terence's final attack, as well. Neither the engine nor the landing gear was hit, but a few fuel lines and parts of the hull were damaged. As Kyle explained, Sutton helped speed up the process on fixing the Airship, as well as make that motorized wheelchair of his. It's been a long time since it got damaged, but...

(The Airship suddenly hovers above the landing pad.)

...it's finally all fixed up.

(The Airship lands, and thanks to a new ramp system that was installed from the entryway, we all enter it for the first time in a long time.)

Oh wow! Been a while since I last saw this place.

Yeah. We've been hanging out in the GEOGRAM base for a while, as the Orbital Station was too crowded for us to focus on work.

But now it's finally all fixed up. And thanks to GEOGRAM, it's got some more high-tech gadgetry now! For example...

(Alter presses a button on a nearby panel, and Charles' helicopter is teleported onto the vehicle bay.)

...TELEPORTERS. And don't worry, we thoroughly tested these and the other new additions.

Glad to have ya back, Charles.

Honestly? It's good to BE back. Believe it or not, Galeforce actually recently promoted me to the leader of the military's Air Force division, so it's good to be able to put those skills to use again.

SERIOUSLY?! Congrats on the promotion, dude!

Yeah. Galeforce is showing me how to be a good leader, and he actually pulled me aside and told me how proud he is of me, with tears of joy in his eyes.

You deserve it, dude. All the way.

Thanks! Is there a way I can stay here, perhaps?

I made a room in the Airship specifically for you, Charles. Of course you can.

Great! I'll be in my army helicopter cockpit-inspired bedroom, then. Nice touch, by the way.

It was Kyle's idea.

Heh...guilty as charged.

Thanks, Kyle! I cannot wait to start helping you guys again in April!

Neither can we, Charles. Neither can we.

CHARLES CALVIN IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR ASKS

[mostlymalena]

September 2nd 2024 11:47pm

Had my mini panic attack and Grace came to make sure I knew the world was real again.

The 11:30 nighttime scares visited early today. Around 6 they decended upon my lamb flesh with their wolf teeth and I have the scars to prove it.

The not realness is overtaking me hour by hour. Every day the length in time I am subjected to my brain and body living in separate places grows. I think I'm afraid that I will never be able to illustrate with my drawings or my words this event I must suffer from. How am I supposed to ever let anyone into my life and also into that weird shit my brain does. I cannot not even explain it properly let alone let someone help me with it. Grace has been the only one to ease it or keep it at bay. She is a lighthouse when I am the boat, waves, and wind.

I want to draw orchards and write poetry about the one million metaphors I have about Adam, Eve, and that fucking apple. Half of me wants to be Eve because Adam stays with her even after the first recorded sin but the other bigger half wants to be the apple because it changed everything by just being sweet. I want to be sweet. Something was born in that Garden that day and it was not hesitation. I think that is something I want that Eve and that Apple both have in common; there was no hesitation when someone wanted them. I feel like I am surround by hesitation and it is all my fault. I breed it into every relationship I have. I am the first to introduce it during conversations. It has its own chair at the dinner table. It lurks at the corners of my smile and skirts the edges of my eyes. It sews and weaves and twines its way into every thought. It is born from fear and fueled by my permanant childhood.

Moving on because I am getting carried away. Sometimes, I reread my blog and I wonder who the fuck wrote this. I have actually probably written that before as well. I just cannot believe I would feel so intricately about certain subjects and write about them so colorfully. Crazy to reread things from a year or even months ago that I do not give a shit about in this current day. It's so much fun honestly. Seeing how many hands have shaped me into this bowl and all the fingerprints that are left behind.

I will be real again and everything will be okay as it always is.

[chaletiche]

What do I want to write about that could explain the absence of being binary-ly , monogamous partner-less?

What a shame your heart isnt multiplicable into the many pieces of life

The tension of the break was a foreseeable future that I tried to warn off

To plant seeds of what we could be

Pecked into a compartment

Into a foldable wallet gadget

Happy Father’s Day

You deserve the best

And a partner who has suffered similarly like you

I hope you find her

I didn’t get to live the future you did

I couldnt explain this child’s relation to me

Nor I was happy with the San Fernando Valley

It felt like colonization won this one

And I wasn’t going to erase my identity to prove this point

In the lack of Self-love, I could nit pick all the moments

But I love myself now.

To not waste energy combating systemic oppression within my personal intimate relationship

We should be on the same page

So this is where your anger starts

It’s not your fault you were raised privileged enough to believe liberal and progressiveness is moral

My brother although knowing, chooses LA

My sister & I don’t understand it but we accept him as our brother

So what do i want from you?

Oh i remember, this is where my mania starts

The part where I create lies about the perception of our relationship and my utmost inner insecurities turns you off

Your closure

I remember thinking I had to go with you before breaking down my childhood room

And after too

I remember driving and feeling commercialized, but convincing myself I had to be present

You do so much for me to prove you love me.

The mountain spirits were calling me

But it was so vague

The room was surprising, oh what money could buy

Factory reset Adri hit

She is once again at the nutrition clinic

She must fit in, conform in order to obtain the good

This was one of them

I walked into a booby trap, disguised as environment

Instead it was encroachment

See you could not see this from your eyes

I wasn’t going to blame you, as I would be

And this is were the disconnect starts & begins

I cannot lead you to water, it must be the fuel that fires you

You stop at Latino, a term that erases indigenaity

My anger is not your anger

It seems as your purpose of your job is to pacify brown anger

You get stopped by the cops and face minimal micro aggressions

Its not your fault you dont see

You do not live it

Im assassinating your character because you were not destined to be with me as much as your tried to convince yourself

So im mad the shoe didn’t fit

But happy you still exist

[linkspooky]

Shigaraki and Dabi

Heroes hurt their own families in order to help complete strangers. Words said by Shigaraki, and lived by Dabi. If you haven’t noticed, there’s quite a lot of parallels between the two of them. Especially their childhood selves, dark haired hero hopefuls whose hair turned white due to stress and eventually fell and became villains. They were the children closest to the heroes, the son of Endeavor, the grandson of Nana Shimura, and yet both of them fell through the cracks the hardest. Let’s talk about the foiling of these two, under the cut. 

1. Father Says No

Both Shigaraki and Dabi are characters who grew up in a strict, patriarchical household where the father was the head of the household and determined all the rules. 

The Shimura household was built by Koutarou, who held all the money, and therefore determined all the rules. The same can be said for the Todoroki household, which only came into being to fuel Enji’s ambitions. This is something Enji literally thinks, his first priority when having children was not to love and raise them, but to raise heirs that would carry on his quirk and make up for the weakness in it.

Enji also literally used his financial wealth and status to pressure her family into arranging a marriage. In the households, the patriarch is the ultimate authority and cannot be questioned. Koutarou sets the rules of the household because he has all the money. Endeavor sets the rules of the household because these children are there to be his heirs. Toya and Tenko both break the rules in their father’s households in some way and become scapegoats. 

Ironically, they break the rules in opposite ways. Tenko, because he wants to become a hero. 

Toya, because his flawof the flames being too harsh for his flame constitution and burning his own skin makes him unable to become a hero and carry on his father’s legacy.

Quick tangent to explain what I mean with Toya. This is speculation, because we haven’t been shown the exact details, so feel free to point and laugh at me if I’m wrong. Endeavor says (incorrectly) that if Toya had reached his goal for him, that all of his pent up negative emotions would have disappeared just like that. (They wouldn’t.)

Which means, Endeavor once again projected himself on his child. Toya was supposed to fix all Endeavor’s hurt feelings for him. So, when Toya failed at the training. When Toya wasn’t good enough. When Toya was flawed. 

Which means it’s likely, Toya went in Endeavor’s mind from being the one who could carry his dreams, to being the one that Endeavor could scapegoat to blame for his negative emotions. Which meant, at some point he tossed Toya aside. At that point he started treating Toya differently. Toya probably pushed himself more and more to try to go back to the way things used to be, which is probably why his hair turning white, he started to crawl to Natsu every day. 

There’s also a lot of similiarities and differences between their households. 

Enji wanted his children to be born heroes.  Koutarou’s rule was no heroes allowed. 

Shimura and Toya both had a sibling they would run to and confide in. For Shimura it was Hana, and for Toya it was Natsu. 

Shimura Tenko is the youngest sibling in the household. While Touya Todoroki was the oldest. 

On the surface, the Shimura household seems more comfortable than the Todoroki household. Shimura receives a lot of comfort from his other relatives, his grandparents, his mother, his sister. However, none of them really confronted the problem in the household and at the end of the day Tenko was still getting beaten. 

The Todoroki household also doesn’t seem like it was a place of much comfort for Toya. It really does seem from flashbacks that all he had to confide in when things started going wrong was Natsu (again feel free to taunt me cruelly if I’m wrong). 

So, you have Tenko who is quietly and gently denied by his family, and Toya who suffers all alone in his household, either getting beaten himself, pushing himself too hard in training, or hearing his father beat his mother and Shoto. 

However for both of them, it’s a gradual accumulation over time. The stress of the household overtakes them. Their hair turns from its original dark coloring to white from the sheer stress of it alone. They, as children, are made to bear the stress of their entire unhealthy household, because they are the scapegoat. 

Endeavor genuinely believes that if Toya had somehow lived up to his promise he would never have turned abusive. 

Kotaro believes that it was Tenko who was upsetting the peace of the household, because he would just not stop it with the hero talk. 

They both soak up all this stress until it explodes outward. However, the incidents that turned them from Tenko -> Shigaraki, and from Toya -> Dabi are entirely different. 

Toya committed what was essentially a suicide. He either staged his own death, or failed at his own suicide and survived. Tenko didn’t kill himself, he killed everyone else around him. Shigaraki destroyed the household that was denying him. 

To simplify the manner in which they lash out. Touya destroys himself, Tenko destroys other people, especially the ones he believes are oppressing him or his friends. 

Well you say, Dabi is trying to take down endeavor. However, Dabi still sees Endeavor and himself as one in the same. His flames are Endeavor’s flames.

One last thing, Dabi and Shigaraki are both marked by their father’s abuse. Dabi was burned by Endeavor’s flames. Dabi literally lives with third degree burns, looking like a living zombie. Then makes his burns even worse by using his flames in the self destructive manner Endeavor taught him. 

Not only does Shigaraki still carry the lip and eye scars from being beaten up with a gardening tool, but Kotaro’s hand reaching out to his face is a symbol that Shigaraki keeps on him literally to this day by wearing a hand over his face constantly. 

2. Friendship and Ideals

So I think all the subtle differences in their backgrounds is what leads to them expressing themselves differently as adults. There are several similarities between them, but I think hardcore Shigaraki fans can tell you all the reasons they prefer Shigaraki, and hardcore Dabi fans can do the same with Dabi. 

I think a lot of it has to do with their relationships to their families. Families define how you connect with other people.

Shigaraki was instructed to always keep his family close to him. He’s always confronting his own feelings about his family, his pain from his family, that’s why when he lashes out he also takes his own personal feelings and pushes them outwards. Shigaraki isn’t concerned with right or wrong, moreso, these are my feelings. I reject the society that rejects me. What Shigaraki is concerned first and foremost, is feelings. His own feelings of being rejected, and also the feelings of people who were rejected just like him. 

Shigaraki is the heart of his group. He’s the person they all rally around, because they gave him a place of belonging. And, Shigaraki has also expressed several times murderous monster that he is that he cares about the individual feelings of those closest to him. I won’t let you trample on Twice’s feelings, his first thing to do when waking up is order the league to be close to him. 

Unlike Dabi, we’ve also seen Shigaraki directly confront the feelings of his missing family once more. He forgives his sister, he tries to comfort his mom. He destroys his father again. He tells his family that he denies them. He tells his grandfather that he still hates her. 

I would say that Shigaraki carries those feelings with him, while Dabi dissociates himself from his feelings.Shigaraki directly confronts those feelings because Shigaraki is the heart, feelings are what matter more to him. 

Dabi has feelings, obviously. Dabi has feelings even if he processes them in a way that’s not easy and palatable. Everyone in fact has feelings (though sometimes I wish I didn’t). Everyone expresses things in their own way if not in the typical way. 

Dabi is completely closed off in regards to his own feelings. He’s not like Shigaraki who is open enough about them he’ll tell his backstory to the whole league on the spot. In fact that’s another difference, the league generally knows Shigaraki’s issues, when they had no idea about Dabi’s. 

When really there was no good reason not to tell them. What are they not going to be up for murdering the number one hero? 

Friendship is a priority for Shigaraki. Individualism is a priority for Dabi. 

Dabi’s feelings towards the league are a messed up jumble, but his behavior towards them is pretty consistent. He takes every oppurtunity he can to insist that he’s not a part of them, that they’re all crazy and he’s the only sane one, that he doesn’t care about their feelings. This can’t all be Dabi just being tsundere or whatever, it’s physical steps taken for Dabi to distance himself from others. 

Dabi’s individual goals are more important than his connections to other people. Shigaraki has no distinct goal besides empty lashing out and therefore connects to people with similiar hurt feelings than his. 

Remember, Dabi self destructs. It’s likely, Dabi sees himself as a martyr. An individual willing to burn himself to take down the society with him. He’s trying to die for some cause like stain. 

So before I develop on this tangent one more difference in similarity between them. Shigaraki’s family is dead. He can’t really do anything but carry on their feelings with him. Tomarau means, to mourn. 

Dabi on the other hand, his family is still alive.He could have before the whole killing spree just shown up on their front doorstep. The reason he hasn’t, is because he can’t forgive Endeavor’s sin.

Whatever pushed him this far, whether it be a strong sense of justice, or a desire for personal revenge. Dabi values that, more than he values his connections with other people, even his own family who is still alive. This is once again the complex way Dabi handles his feelings, it’s likely he pushes his family away, the same way he pushes the league away and doesn’t process them. That’s why he says I thought about it so much I went crazy. He just insists he doesn’t care, and doesn’t think instead. Shigaraki lives constantly confronting his own feelings, Dabi lives by avoiding them. 

Dabi is impersonal, aloof, and only ever thinks of himself as an individual. He will cooperate with others if it suits his needs, but the bond of the league hasn’t quite reached him yet. There’s a consequence for this. 

So twice dying was Hawks fault. Because Hawks you know, stabbed him. 

However you could say, Dabi’s planning centering all around himself, and what he can accomplish as an individual, meant he failed to accomplish that Twice might get hurt as a result of him letting Hawks into the league as a Spy. It’s an unintended consequence, but still a consequence. 

Dabi showed up to save Twice but couldn’t. Then afterwards Dabi uses Twice’s death in the most gratuiotious way possible. Dabi insists once again he doesn’t care, that he never cared about Twice except as a tool that would have made fighting the heroes a lot easier. 

Shigaraki destroys everything around him. He destroys for the sake of the people around him. Dabi destroys himself, his own feelings, he self destructs. When people get caught up in his flames they’re sacrifices for his cause. 

Their priorities and the way they lash out are different. Dabi cares more for ideals than people. Shigaraki cares more for people than ideals.

However, they don’t have to destroy each other. Shigaraki trusts Dabi. Shigaraki of all the members of the league (with Toga as well) is the heart, is the best at sympathizing with the pain of other people because he is constantly in pain himself. 

Dabi made a mistake and as a result Twice got killed. He gambled with too high of circumstances. Twice let a secret slip and invited the heroes to the League’s compound. Twice brought Chisaki for a meeting and because of that Magne died. This kind of scenario has happened before. Of course Dabi insists that his motivations were less pure than Twice’s, he didn’t care what happened to the rest of the league as long as he got the dirt he wanted for his big reveal.

I’m not suggesting that Dabi is secretly a sweetheart, or a misunderstood angsting teddy bear. Just that Dabi is currently closed off from all of his feelings, that’s why he denies too the feelings of people around him and their attempts to reach out for him. Dabi has refused the compansionship of the league. 

It doesn’t have to be like this. Characters can develop. Shigaraki especially has been shown to reach out to people multiple times. Kurogiri is fond of him. Himiko and Twice in their moment of weakness, are convinced to stay on Shigaraki’s side because he shows their face to them. Spinner basically questioned why he was even staying with the league at his lowest point when he thought they had no reason to be there, and it was Shigaraki who he found his cause in. 

Dabi is lacking something. He’s burned off and emotionally stunted his ability to develop connections with other people. 

Shigaraki is lacking something. He is, again and again, told that he needs a plan besides destroy everything. Shigaraki is very observant of the world, and understands the truth, but he can’t get people to listen. Unlike Dabi who planned to such an extent, that he literally made a live public broadcast to turn public opinion against Endeavor because that was more important than winning a fight. 

It’s true Dabi and Shigaraki could turn against each other, because Dabi doesn’t value people, because Shigaraki considers his lashing out more important than his ideals. They could also be the ones to balance each other out. We’re at an important turning point now, Dabi can either break off from the league now that his individual mission is compelte, or he can finally be reached by the league. 

I think Shigaraki might reach him, because even though they’re grown up so differently they started in the exact same place. They were both boys who wanted to be heroes, and just wanted one person to tell them it was okay, that they could be heroes too. 

[ukrfeminism]

Hundreds of thousands of older women are struggling as soaring prices cripples their finances, with many forced to turn off fans, cookers and even lights to save money.

Campaigners told The Independent women over 65 are among those hit hardest by the “apocalyptic” cost of living crisis as they warned their physical and mental health are suffering.

Researchers found 55 per cent of women in the age group are being forced to cut spending on everyday expenses, substantially more than the 44 per cent of men who said the same.

One in three women over 65 in England - the equivalent of 1.8m - are struggling so badly they cannot afford even a £25 monthly increase in their expenses, according to YouGov data exclusively shared by charity Independent Age.

Older women are also far more likely not to cope with a £50 per month increase in their costs than men, the figures show, with 54 per cent of women raising it as an issue compared to 41 per cent of men. 

Independent Age’s Morgan Vine said the choices women are being forced to make are “very stark”. Her organisation speaks to elderly people on a daily basis, with many sharing harrowing experiences. 

“We have heard from people turning off lights, TVs, and cookers,” she said. “One woman told me she only boils the kettle once a day. 

“Women are eating microwave food every day which is not good for their mental or physical health. People can’t afford fresh fruit. All of this is meaning people are mentally very low.”

Ms Vine said another woman had been turning off her fridge overnight to save money on bills despite the potential health risks. 

“There are lots and lots of women living in poverty in later life,” she continued. “There are more women than men in this situation in later life. The decisions people are having to make are having a massive impact on their physical and mental health. 

“People have said to us they are in a constant state of vigilance constantly checking their bank balance. We are really concerned about the situations older women are living in.

“We think the government needs to provide more for those struggling under the cost of living crisis - particularly with news fuel will go up even more in autumn and inflation is causing food prices to rise.”

Ms Vine noted their research has previously found older women are one of the groups worst impacted by the cost of living crisis - with single older women hardest hit.

“We already know that women live an average of three and a half years longer than men, so are having to make their already smaller pensions stretch further,” she added.

She warned there are a range of structural inequalities which mean women in older age are more likely to be in a worse financial situation than their male counterparts.

The charity’s analysis of Department of Work and Pensions figures spanning from 1995 to 2020 found 20 per cent of older women in the UK live in poverty. 

The data showed 27 per cent of single women live in poverty in later life, in comparison to 16 per cent of single men.

Jane Drew, one of many Britons struggling during the cost of living crisis, said she had endured “five years of freezing every winter” and was unable to claim winter fuel payment due to her state pension being deferred.

The 65-year-old added: “I am in too much pain most days to continue in work. It is pointless applying for universal credit as I own my own home. It is pointless applying for job seekers as no one in their right mind is going to employ a 65-year-old care worker with a bad back. 

“I am living off profit from downsizing my home and that is quickly running out. There is about £4,000 left to last me until end of March.”

Ms Drew noted she has no savings as she never earned enough as a single parent to put money aside - explaining she is “isolated” because she can’t afford to go and meet friends for a coffee.

“I am dreading this winter,” she added. “I am already cooking on a camping hob so I don’t use gas during the summer. I am having strip washes all week, and a shower on Sunday and one on Wednesday when my son pays for me and my grandson to go swimming. This is not the retirement I was looking forward to.”

Almost 4 million women were impacted by a change which saw the state pension age increased from 60 to 66 for women born after March 1950 in the UK – with the United Nations previously warning the changes place them at increased risk of “poverty, homelessness and financial hardship”.

BackTo60, a campaign group calling for full restitution for women affected by the state pension age rise, lost its landmark High Court battle against the government last October but appealed the ruling at the end of July - losing the appeal. The state pension age rise was accelerated in 2010 and saw women reach parity with men, at 65, in 2018.

Julia Jacobs, who lives in the West Midlands, told The Independent she goes from one month to the next with nothing in her bank account. 

The mother-of-four said she was dependant on her state pension due to spending most of her adult life bringing up four children and project-managing properties she bought with her former husband. Due to the state pension age going up, Ms Jacobs has to wait another four years to receive her state pension.

The 62-year-old said: “I sit in dark in the evenings to economise on electricity. It is lonely and isolating and I feel I am not part of society.

“My electricity bills have tripled this year. They made me feel quite sick. So I have turned off my radio and my Alexa. I have got rid of the freezer. Now I have just got a small fridge freezer. I’ve turned off my electric hob and electric oven and bought a 30 quid air fryer from Aldi. It uses less fuel.”

Ms Jacobs was working as a part-time exam invigilator on a zero-hour contract before the coronavirus crisis but is now living off life savings.

Deena Wild, who lives in Kent, said she has spent years being forced to live on savings intended for retirement.

The 64-year-old, who was also hit by the state pension age rise, said: “We live extremely frugally. We live on my husband’s wages. He is a general handyman.”

Ms Wild explained her 60-year-old husband, who has a bad hip, bad back and a bad neck, has been forced to “work flat out” as her state pension was deferred – warning the work is placing his health at risk.

“I am watching him decline before my eyes, I am watching myself decline through stress and anxiety. I have high blood pressure, heart issues and diabetes. I don’t sleep at night because my brain is overloaded.”

Joanne Welch, founder of Backto60, told The Independent: "There is no doubt about it, women are struggling. We are so concerned now. We are facing an apocalyptic cost of living crisis. There are tens of thousands of women out there in dire straits.

“It is happening to many vulnerable groups. However 1950s women are some of those who are least resilient to encounter this."

“Women are prisoners in their homes. Their incomes don’t allow them to socialise in the way many people are used to so the television is the only entertainment. 

“During the recent extreme heat, there was a woman who was worried about putting her fan on because she couldn’t afford it. With extreme heart you need the fan on the whole time. I can’t believe some of the things I hear. They get so worn down physically and mentally, it affects their health.”

Ms Welch said many 1950s women who were impacted by the state pension age rise have accrued debts due to not having enough money to subsist.

“There are also middling women, who have now got their pension, who are keeping their heads above water, breaking even, just about living, but living a half life,” she explained.

“They planned to retire at 60, but spent up to six years waiting for their pension, and accrued debt, and were forced out into a job market when nobody wants to employ them.”

A spokesperson for the Department of Work and Pensions said: “We understand that many people are worried about the impact of rising prices, which is why we’re providing £37bn additional cost of living support, including £1,200 in payments for the eight million most vulnerable households.

“For people over state pension age, there is a wide range of further financial support available, including pension credit – which unlocks an additional £650 cost of living payment for those currently claiming it – plus an additional £300 top-up to pensioner households’ winter fuel payments later this year.”

[wonlouvre]

pairing: doctor!wonwoo x lawyer!female oc genre: modern royalty, arranged marriage, fluff and future angst word count: 3.2k WARNINGS: ANGST, VIOLENCE, GUNS

a/n: we are nearing the end guys :( and i promise, it’s a HAPPY ENDING! but for now we have to face the angst, i’m so sorry. disclaimer!! as i have said from the previous parts, i am not well-versed with investigations and court procedures. PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I’M WRONG. thank you very much!! please enjoy this new part and hit my ask box with what you think of it <3

nine: grief | masterlist

Wonwoo has had difficult times in his life and he has managed to overcome them all. Growing up in the public eye, fulfilling duties decreed to him even before he became a teen, a break-up, excelling both academically and physically and most of all, loving himself for who he is. He knows his parents did everything in their power and love to make it a little easier for him. They are the reasons he kept going and going. 

But his heart can’t seem to carry this overwhelming heaviness. 

His parents wanted to end the engagement immediately. It was an argument, an angry one. His mother had her ears closed even before he could speak meanwhile his father’s closed lips already said it all. Of course, he was defensive. He understands his parents concern for their citizens, but nothing is final until a verdict is reached. He has to come back to Jung and Sam and he has to come back to you. Surely enough, when he stepped out of the doors of his home, he had chosen love over duty. 

It’s just that he didn’t know that you had different plans. 

“Where’s the pretty lady?” Sam asks out of the blue while he plays with the new toys Wonwoo brought for the kids at the welfare.

He has been visiting them frequently, at least four times a week in between his hospital schedule. Especially after you decided that he should distance himself from you, he has been in and out of here because the boys are one of the only reasons he’s here other than you. He’s hoping you only meant a break if that’s what you wanted. Because he’d give it to you with as much distance as you want just come back to him. Come back to him because he doesn’t and can’t let you go. 

“She’s a bit busy now,” he tries to make up an excuse and Sam raises his sparkling eyes at his face, probably searching for some truth in his lie. 

“You look different when she’s around,” the young boy says and goes back to his toys. 

Wonwoo’s ears perk and his brows knit in question. “What do you mean?”

“Jung thinks I don’t see it, but his face,” Sam explains and gestures to his tiny yet swelling cheeks. “It changes because of this girl here that I think he’s crushing.”

Wonwoo can’t help the growing smile on his face. “Jung has a crush?”

“Yes.” Sam bobs his head cutely. “You’re just like Jung with the pretty lady around.”

“How about now?” He asks the observant boy who purses his tiny lips before narrowing his eyes at him. 

“You look a little sad.”

Wonwoo didn’t need to ask who’s the pretty lady Sam was talking about because to him, you’re the only pretty lady in his life (second to his mother of course even though she’s angry at him at the moment). He tried to not make it obvious. He doesn’t want anyone to see him that the controversy and your father’s arrest is breaking the two of you apart. He can’t let them see him falling apart for that matter because he wants you to see him confident and strong. 

He doesn’t want to further fuel your doubts and fears. If he can’t support you closely, he’ll do his best to support you even from afar.

That’s why life for him continued. He goes to work, attends to his patients and co-workers needs, he eats, he exercises and he even entertains drinking with Soonyoung despite having to take care of him because of how fast he gets drunk. 

It’s an ineffective distraction because he misses you terribly. He misses going to your office just to take you away from your computer, he misses driving around town with you in the passenger seat and listening to your stories, he misses sleeping over at your apartment after a tiring day shift, he misses your warm and welcoming embrace, he misses your shy and soft kisses against his lips, cheeks, nose, forehead, neck and everywhere else.  

Did he tell you he misses you?

He sends you messages every day. He doesn’t call and he doesn’t wait for a reply. He just wants you to know that he’s here whenever you’re ready. Jeongyeon is kind enough to keep him in the loop, but the updates are very minimal because she’s still your subject and she doesn’t want to hurt you any further. 

For a moment, Wonwoo was afraid to take the leap. But when you asked him if he still wants to marry you which could be equivalent to you ending things, he had to. If you stay or not, he had to say it with all his heart. You had to know because he was sure that whatever it is his whole being is feeling, it’s only for you. 

“I love you.”

Your heart drops at his confession, making you sob to the palm of your hands. He can’t do this to you right now. It’s already hard and painful. You want to be selfish, but it would be wrong to let him suffer with you when he has been nothing but kind and honest. 

“You’re not your father, Y/N,” he promises and holds your hands down. “Please look at me.”

You shake your head, sniffling. You want to scream you love him too. But the words are nothing but a lump at the back of your throat. You continue shedding your tears and the sight breaks Wonwoo’s heart. 

“It’s okay.” He lifts your head up by your cheeks. He wipes your tears away even though it’s futile. He wishes to share with your anguish, but he also respects the desires of your heart. 

His smile was small when he leans down and briefly presses a kiss to your trembling lips. You accept it, fearing it might be the last. You also listen to his last words before he leaves with his bag and coat because it also might be the last time you’ll ever hear them.

“I love you.”

The rain patters on the roof of the car when Wonwoo’s words echoed inside your head. Just the thought of what had transpired the last few days brings tears to your eyes. You haven’t seen him since that night and the longing is unbearable. You wish to hear his voice, feel his touch against you or just see him. But you can’t and you have to persevere through it because you owe justice and accountability to your people.   

You haven’t spoken to your mother even if you tried. She’s just tired, so tired you can’t bring a word out of her. You try to be understanding and a little more patient. After all, getting over a betrayal doesn’t happen overnight. That’s why you continued working even though almost every client you have has backed down and declined your services. Nonetheless, you still go to your office every day as if everything is okay. You drink your coffee, you run over your files and even do a little organizing and disposing here and there. 

Your father’s first trial is today and you’re on your way to speak to him at his detention center. This is the first time you’ll see him aside from the television and newspapers. You’ve been crying ever since he got taken away. You can’t help it. You already know the truth and there’s no blinding away from it. But you want to hear from your father, whom you thought you have known all your life. You want his truth and maybe find some closure. 

When you arrive at the parking lot, the rain has ceased and little by little the temperature is rising again. You really wish things were different. Something in you wishes that this is a set-up. You wish that your father was innocent and only being framed. But there is a bigger something that’s telling you to throw away those wishful thoughts because it’s wrong. 

You ask yourself, am I angry at my father? while walking to the entrance leading to the visitor’s area. I should be, right? You argue because your family name and career is tarnished. Your upcoming marriage is no different which is most likely to be over. 

“Hi my darling,” The King, stripped from his expensive suit, greets you with his usual smile.

The glass between you and your father is clear enough to see that he doesn’t look good. Your father used to look every day ready with his suit on and slick back hair. But right now, he doesn’t. Tears well up in your eyes but you hold it in. It will take a long time to get used to seeing him like this. It will take a painfully long one.

Maybe you’re not angry. Maybe you’re just hurting.

“Hi dad,” you greet back. “How are you?”

The old man smiles and warms his thighs with his hands while looking around the small room. “I’m okay.”

You nod and the cold silence engulfs the room. 

“I’m sorry darling,” he finally says and hearing those words made you burst into tears. He sees you crying and this is the first time he can’t reach his hand out to wipe the tears away. “I’m really sorry that your father’s greed has left you and your mother a wound that might never heal.”

Greed. The news, the Royal Police, the prosecution and everyone else were talking about this. They’re still talking about this. It’s scandalous, it’s controversial. It’s unbelievable too. How could the head and protector of the kingdom do this? 

How could your father do this?

“Dad,” you sob. “Dad.”

“I know,” he tells you. “I know.”

“Please tell me they’re lying,” you begged, your voice shaking.

“I cannot betray you any further, my darling,” he sadly says. “I have to set you all free from my lies.”

You harshly rub your fingers against your eyes, trying to dry the tears that won’t stop from falling. “Who’s Kim Mingyu?”

The alarming buzz! blasts, indicating that your time’s up. You’re quick to your feet and hold your sweating palm against the glass. Your father mirrors your action but it didn’t last long because he was being handcuffed again. 

“Remember,” he says, struggling a little against the two uniformed men. “You are your own person, my darling.” 

Maybe you’re not hurting. Maybe you’re grieving because you just lost your father. 

You know who Kim Mingyu is. You already knew before you could even ask your father. You just wanted to know how your father met him and entangled himself with such a man. What led him to fall for his lies and money that he could trade every ounce of dignity and integrity in his being? Something of that sort. 

Kim Mingyu’s mining business was proposed to the Secretary of the Trade and Industry Department. A mining business that will have children go underground for long agonizing hours. At first, they were immediately rejected knowing that there’s an obvious and strict law disallowing foreigners to the kingdom’s mineral resources. Much more the exploitation of young children. But, Mingyu was ambitious and a sniper to every man's weakness. It didn’t take long for the Secretary of the Trade and Industry to bite. It was easily followed by the Secretary of the Justice Department and your father. They all, among many others, eventually fell for his trap. Everything worked out for Kim Mingyu. 

Your hip is against the hood of the car as you watched the prison guards surround the vehicle your father will ride to the court. Everyone is on high alert. Well, they should be. No one else is more high profile than a criminal king. It’s only the first trial but you’re already more than aware of how things will turn out in the end. 

You clutch the lifebuoy pendant of the necklace you’re wearing, nervous and trying to keep everything together.

You could leave now, but the time and opportunity to see your father is running out. This prison is the only place you could linger just to see him, even for a short while. You won’t be able to follow him at court because Seungkwan advised you not to. Which you understand. This whole case involving your father is already causing a media frenzy so staying away is the smart thing to do. 

As you wait, your phone suddenly rings with an unknown number flashed on the screen. You blink, wondering who could it be at this hour. After a beat of hesitation, you answered and held the phone against your ear. 

“Hello?”

“Ah, Princess Y/N. How’s the King doing?”

You’re not that forgetful to not recognize this voice. “Mr. Kim, how did you get my number?”

“That’s not important right now,” he dodges the question. “What’s important is what I am about to tell you.”

“What do you want from me?” You say with gritted teeth and from your peripheral you can see the guards scramble. Your father is about to come out.

You can hear him scoff. “I don’t want anything from you, Your Highness. But listen…”

Your heart starts to beat faster. It’s a hard visual but your father is nearing the exit. Your bottom lip is starting to hurt from how hard you’re biting it and the few seconds of pause and suspense that Mingyu’s giving you is not helping at all. 

“Listen you sick---” He cuts you off and your blood runs cold.

“I’m going to kill your father.”

What is the fondest memory that you have of your father? 

They’re too many to count and every memory with him, small and big, will always mean everything to you. But as an example, it would be the day you finally took oath as a lawyer. He didn’t tell you, but he, together with your mother, was secretly present at the venue. He told you beforehand that they shouldn’t go because he didn’t want the people to make you uncomfortable and steal the spotlight. You ignored his lame excuse of fame and told him that he can do whatever he wants. 

But he was really there. Tears brimming on his eyes together with pride beaming on his heart. Your mother had to calm him down because he got a little out of control, almost screaming with all his chest at the venue that you’re his daughter. 

You only found out when you hopped on the car and they’re inside with a small cake, flowers and party hats on, shouting loud congratulations and surprise simultaneously. 

Your father was always there. Your parents were. 

You remember those when you ran and pushed your way against the guards blocking your father’s view. You were frantic as you screamed at them to get your father back inside. You fought with all your strength and thrashed against their hold just to reach your father. When you slipped away from them, you ran again, fast. 

You did your best to not get caught. You just have to be close to your dad and push him back inside. You just have to be close to him. You just have to protect him.

You have to be there for him. 

“Please stop!” You shout when another guard takes hold of your waist, locking you to the ground. “You have to bring my father back inside!”

“You’re Highness, please calm down!” The guard shouts back and you fight against him. When he didn’t let you go, you stomped the heel of your shoe on his feet, making him fall in pain. 

“Dad!” You call when you’re finally nearing him. His head lifts up at the sound of your voice and searches for you among the sea of men. “Please! You have to take him back inside! I received a call from Kim Ming---”

BANG!

BANG! 

It was searingly fast. Your whole body collapses on the sweltering concrete before you could reach your father and when his eyes finally find you, you are already swimming in the pool of your blood.  

“It’s always good to see you Mrs. Wang,” Wonwoo compliments the old lady who’s starting to frequent the emergency room. “But not in this manner.”

The old lady gives him a cheeky grin and pinches one of his cheeks. If Wonwoo doesn’t know any better, she’s doing this to not get scolded any further. 

“Your blood sugar is high and I don’t think your granddaughter appreciates her grandma endangering her own life,” he lightly scolds her, if that’s how he can put it. He’s still a doctor after all. “She loves you and she wants you to be healthy when she walks down the aisle in the future.”

Mrs. Wang gives him a silent nod at the mention of her granddaughter, promising that she won’t disobey anymore. That relieves Wonwoo, his lips lifting in a smile. He signs her clearance and hands it back to the nurse. After a few more instructions, he takes his leave and walks back to the information desk. 

He takes one of the patients charts to read. The phone rings and the nurse in charge immediately picks it up and answers. At first, Wonwoo didn’t bother looking up from the paper because emergency calls happen every three seconds. But when there was an eerie silence amidst the loud and busy room, his curiosity made his head tilt up only to get surprised at the widened eyes the nurse was giving him. 

He was about to ask what’s wrong but when he heard the sound of the siren nearing, he ignores his suspicions and runs to the entrance. 

The ambulance parks at a safe distance and the paramedics get out. They move quickly to get the patient out and when they see him, their mouth falls open but no words come out.

Wonwoo didn’t notice so he proceeded to ask, “How’s the patient?”

“Wonwoo!”

Soonyoung almost tripped on his feet as he tried to get a hold of his friend. He takes his arms and tries to pull him away from the ambulance he’s about to open. Wonwoo is starting to get irritated at the bizarre and disconcerting feeling that’s starting to settle in the emergency room.

Wonwoo knocks him off with a glare. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Wonwoo, please,” Soonyoung begs with an unsteady voice, clinging to his friend. 

“Female, late twenties, two gunshot wounds,” one of the paramedics finally yet carefully reports while the other opens the doors of the ambulance. “It’s Her Highness, Princess Y/N.”

Wonwoo roughly removes his friends hand from his arm to step closer to the ambulance and when he sees your lifeless body, he didn’t waste any more time and helped the paramedics move the stretcher out. Soonyoung can see his friend’s hands shaking as he takes hold of the bloodied gurney. He knows he has to stop him right now. 

“Baby,” Wonwoo calls as he runs and wheels you inside. You can’t hear him, but he has to try. He observes proper protocol of transferring you to the bed of the emergency room before applying more pressure to your wounds. You have lost a lot of blood already and it’s not helping Wonwoo that he can’t see your eyes.

“Please, please, please,” Wonwoo whispers as he removes all the obstructions on your body and when his eyes catch the necklace he gave around your neck, his legs grow weak and removing it from you made his tears fall.

“Baby, please,” he pleads. “Open your eyes, hmm?”

Soonyoung steps in together with the doctor who will perform the surgery and take everything from here. He slowly pulls his friend away from your body. Wonwoo didn’t protest anymore, there’s nothing in him left to do so. Your blood is in his hands, in his white coat, it’s everywhere. 

This is not the distance Wonwoo wanted. 

He can’t be apart from you forever.