#honestly if things don’t improve within the next few weeks i’ll probably get a bit harsher

[codgod]

i still feel like the money from the egg figures is gonna go to the eggmins, including lumi and shade and anyone else that has left/been fired [maybe with the exception of like, flippa and tilín’s original admins since they were only there for less than a month but who knows]

like i agree that the way quackity is going about things sucks, with his mindset being that because he doesn’t want to make promises he can’t keep he won’t say anything at all, but i don’t think it means the eggmins won’t be paid. i’d assume, based on what he’s said, that he’s waiting to see how much money the merch makes before he promises anyone any amount of money. which again. is dumb, because if that is the case he could still just Say That. but i don’t think it’s a baseless assumption at the very least

[shorkbrian]

This isn’t a request (or maybe it is) but would you ever consider writing a part 2 to that aizawa and shinsou family bonding fic👀 and do you have any plans to write more zuko?? Bc I didn’t really see him like that but after your mechanic fic I couldn’t get him off my mind for weeks.

Anyway I love all your fics!!! Thank you so much for writing them and sharing them with us<3

I have several requests for a continuation of that, so maybe!

As for Zuko, I rlly want to write more of him lol he’s just so inch resting.

Very awkward with interpersonal relationships, but has the ability to be suave if he’s not thinking too hard about it and just acting on impulse. Pre-redemption Zuko is entitled, has anger issues, no grasp on healthy boundaries, sadistic, a brat, etc etc.

Like you lose your dog, worried sick about the poor thing. You decide to put up posters around your dingy neighborhood, a picture and your phone number attached below.

Your mood improves when you get a text that night, as soon as you get home from putting up all the “missing” posters.

Hey.

Your dog is missing? I saw you putting up posters.

Immediately you respond, hope blooming.

Yes! Have you seen him? I’m really worried. Thanks for contacting me btw.

There’s a few moments of waiting until the stranger responds.

I’ve seen him around. You need someone to help you find him?

So the stranger doesn’t have your dog. It’s disappointing, but you probably shouldn’t have expected your puppy to be found within minutes of you putting up the posters.

If you wouldn’t mind keeping an eye out, that’d be wonderful. Thank you so much! I’m (Y/N).

I know.

Confusion furrows your brow before the next message dings through.

You put your name on the poster.

My names Zuko.

-----

A day passes without any news, then two. On the third day, “Zuko” texts you again.

Have you found your dog yet?

You tell him (you’re pretty sure it’s a guy) no, and the stranger gives you his condolences. Feeling a bit awkward, not sure if you should respond or let the conversation drop, you turn the questioning back to the stranger.

Do you live in this area?

Yeah. Down by the supermarket on 4th and Sinclair.

That makes sense - that’s one of the first places you’d put up a poster. No wonder this guy texted you so soon.

That’s a nice area. I’m closer to the park... I think my dog might’ve wandered off into there.

You should take some treats with you and walk through that area. Call his name maybe?

Yeah, maybe.

The more you thought about the suggestion, the more appealing it sounded. perhaps it would work? It was barely 4pm, still plenty of daylight left for you to walk around for a bit.

So that’s what you did, wandering through the park with a bag of treats, lowly calling your dog’s name as you kept a sharp eye out for anything furry.

There weren’t many people out, but the ones you did encounter barely paid you any attention.

Except for a man, seated on a bench, his eyes following your movements. It was creeping you out - no matter where you moved you felt the prickle on the back of your neck that someone was looking at you.

Maybe he was just curious as to why you were walking around with a bag of dog treats, a leash, but no dog.

You were paying more attention to scanning the underbrush than the stranger, so it made you jump when he cleared his throat a few steps behind you, having moved from the bench.

“Oh, Jesus Christ-” You whirled around, a hand on your chest as adrenaline surged through you.

The man frowned. “Sorry, wasn’t trying to scare you. Are you looking for your dog?” He looked... unique, a large, angry scar decorating the right side of his face, eye slitted and milky on that side, almost hidden by his shaggy black hair.

You nodded, and the man spoke again. “By any chance, is your name (Y/N)? I saw your poster.”

Perking up, you took a step forward. “Yes! Yeah, that’s me, have you seen my dog? Do you know where he is?”

The man shook his head, clearing his throat again. “No, uhm... I was the person who texted you - Zuko.”

Oh.

It felt a bit... odd, knowing that this man had texted you, sought you out, met you in the park that he suggested you go looking in. Was he stalking you? Or was he just trying to help you find your dog?

How were you supposed to respond to him? 

Zuko beat you to it. “I’ve been looking for him, no luck though. He seems like a good dog.”

“He is.” You agree. Your dog was the best, always made you feel safe whenever you went out for walks, guarded your apartment, stayed alert and ready while you slept. “Thank you for looking for him, you don’t have to.”

“I don’t mind.”

More awkward silence.

Shifting your weight on your feet, you sealed up the bag of treats. “okay, um, well it’s getting dark, I think I’m going to head home now.”

“I can walk with you.”

“Nah, I’ll be fine.” You assured the strange man, flashing a smile. He was too... friendly for your taste. You weren’t sure you felt comfortable with him knowing where you lived.

When you got home, your phone dinged as you locked your door. it was Zuko.

Sorry for scaring you tonight. I didn’t think you’d actually go to the park. I like to sit there and feed the ducks, so I’ve seen you and your dog a couple of times. I’m not trying to be weird.

That was honestly almost kind of sweet. You could visualize it, the tall man sitting on the bench and throwing seeds to the ducks that lived in the park, minding his own business as people passed by.  Maybe the man was just a bit socially awkward? You could understand that. 

No worries. Nice meeting you!

-----

He kept texting you, checking in, asking about your dog, asking about you.

Zuko seemed like a nice guy, if not a little awkward. Maybe a little lonely, but wasn’t everyone?

You learned that he lived by himself, had moved here a couple years ago, and that he liked the town. Friendly people, good weather, nice shops and local stores.

Weeks had passed since your dog had gone missing, and you found yourself getting more and more sad, sinking into the feeling like goop.

And then Zuko texted.

You should come over.

Your mind raced - he wouldn’t be texting you unless it was important, it was nighttime, you had learned the man wasn’t overly fond of visitors.

Zuko? What’s up? Have you found my dog?

A pause, two minutes before his next text came through.

Just come over.

You huffed, frustrated, excited. 

Please just tell me, do you have my dog?

Five minutes of silence.

Yes.

-----

The excitement you felt was making you jittery, hands almost shaking as you climbed up the stairs to Zuko’s apartment.

It wasn’t what you were expecting. You thought he lived by the supermarket, and technically he did, but it was a ways away. Zuko lived in a run down, dingy complex a few streets over, and you tried not to judge, but it wasn’t exactly the most savory of neighborhoods.

Really, you weren’t super jazzed to be coming to his place, not so late at night, not alone. But he had found your dog, said he didn’t have a leash nor a way of getting him to you. Said he didn’t mind you coming over so late.

You didn’t feel comfortable, but it’d be okay. 

Except your dog was nowhere in sight when Zuko welcomed you inside.

It was dark, only the light of his laptop illuminating the small living space - a studio apartment.

“Zuko? Where’s-”

“Your dog’s probably been dead for weeks.”

You froze. 

“You’re focused on a lost cause. I don’t think he’s coming back.”

What’s going on? Why did he have you come-

“Zuko, you’re scaring me.”

The man in question is between you and the door - the door he’s just locked. Your heart starts to beat faster in your chest.

“I’ve watched you walk him every day for the past year, you always take the same route in the park. How have you not noticed me? It’s not like I’m trying  to avoid your attention. It’s insulting. Do you not like my scar? Is that why you always, always ignore me?”

His voice is level, but you can feel the irritation seeping from him, feel it infect you with fear.

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking abo-”

“I’ve noticed. You’re very absentminded, aren’t you? Is that why you need a dog  with you to protect you? I could’ve snapped you up at anytime since he’s been gone.”

Zuko crossed his arms, leaned back against the door. You didn’t like this, didn’t like how dark it was, what Zuko was saying, how his one good eye was gazing at you with a smug aura.

“I really wasn’t going to even bother you. You’re just some pretty little eye candy I get to see everyday. But then you put up those posters, and your number and name were right there. Couldn’t stop myself.”

The man rolled his eyes. “Plus, you’re real easy.”

He hadn’t moved from the door, but now he straightened, rolling out his neck, taking a step towards you. “This’ll be fun. Hope you don’t scream too loud and get me another noise complaint.”

[naturalbornkillass]

delayed post from 07/10/22 - A weird week: still depressed // might need to get the “hottest girl in rehab” sweatshirt. // modern feminism // why am i attracted to older men i dont even ducking have daddy issues

The last part happened today but i’ll include it into my evenfully unevenful week

i’ve been ridiculously depressed and irritable this week. i havent touched my prescripted medicine and i probably should. i’m in no way getting better.

During the 4th of july, i got into a hugeeee argument with my dad and i ended up staying home and playing roblox w my friends. it was kinda fun, then it all hit me. I’m at home during the 4th of july, doing absolutely nothing. I was bored and depressed. I HAD NOTHING TO DO!! So I ordered some food from grubhub and it made me feel better for a little bit. Then it hit me again. I'm getting fomo. How can i celebrate the 4th. of july? and listen I’m not the most patriotic citizen, and to be honest, i’m not big on independence day. although I am big on the celebrations itself, whether or not i really give a fuck about the reason of the celebration .

i decided to try lsd for the first time, and it was def the most sensational type of high i’ve ever experienced. especially bc it was laced with some other strong ass shit, which i didn't really know until i got tested positive for other stuff. I didn't rly mind tho, i had a good time regardless. My therapist was not happy ofc, so they actually told me that they may have to send me to a 30 day rehabilitation program if things don’t improve within the next week. It’s either that, or I have to stay at a psych ward for 7 days minimum, which isnt as bad, given that it’s so easy to trick them into thinking that you’re doing well within the span of a week. But either way, i’ll be stripped away from any sort of communication with all of you. unless i can memorize all of your number. not tryna do all that.

I'm against it, obviously. I’m functioning! I should be fine.

The reason why i’m not making such a big deal out of this is bc I’m not being too irresponsible with everything. Honestly i really do believe that they’re just trying to profit off of me. No one really knows what to do in those places. None of the staff members really know what they were getting themselves into. If you’re there for the money, why cant you at least try to put some effort on the shit tht you were supposed to do?

if i do end up in one in the future, best believe i’m pulling up in the corniest fit ever

but fr tho i actually have to start putting some effort because i’m not trying to go to some goddamn facility. I have many plans for this summer and living in a place w a bunch of druggiez isnt my thing. if all fails, i hope to be grouped with cool people.

i met someone on roblox, which i’ve spent a few hours with….at night. it was fun okay, and im not for edating, but this is entertaining for me. i wonder how many ppl he’s groomed online. better yet, i wonder how many people get groomed on roblox??? He’s 21 btw i forgot to mention, and yeah he does sound like it. Thats all i can say tho.

The thing is, you’ll never know if your the groomer or the groomee. Edating is so funny to me despite the times that i’ve attempted to do so. I got out of that phase towards the beginning(-ish?) of 9th grade. After that, I’ve just started fishing for some creepy pedos online and i tried to see if i can get money off of them. I found many, but they all wanted my fucking face to be in pictures/videos and they wanted to be able to hear my voice and such, like how desperate can you be? Theyre all really fucking pathetic and it just pissed me off seeing people live like that. Discord users are really something else……..

just dont edate. It's that easy.

One thing that I have noticed is that I kinda have a problem with older men. Why am I writing about this online rather than telling a professional about this? Idk but I just felt like it needs to be talked about. No, I don't have daddy issues, which proves that it's only a common stereotype. Women have such a great amount of power, simply just by existing. Next thing you know, you've hypnotized them into throwing their cash onto you.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 286: VESTIGE ANTICS ARE A GO

Previously on BnHA: Deku was all “what’s the record for most consecutive bone breaks within the span of a single minute” and, without waiting for an answer, proceeded to unleash roughly 17 Smashes onto Tomura. Kacchan was all “THAT DOES IT, I’M TAKING THE REINS OF THIS SHITSHOW” and carried Endeavor and Shouto up to where the action was so Endeavor could hit Tomura with a Prominence Burn. AFO was all “Tomura would you rather burn to death or let me take over your body” and Tomura was all “...” and so AFO TOOK OVER and was all “STABBITY STABBITY” and used his Stabbing Quirk to do some Good Old Fashioned STABBIN’. First he stabbed Endeavor, and then he was all “hee and now I’m gonna stab Deku”, but Kacchan was all “SIR THAT’S MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT RIVAL” and so he rushed on in AND GOT HIMSELF STABBED INSTEAD. And so basically THIS PAST WHOLE WEEK HAS BEEN A RIDE, LET ME TELL YOU.

Today on BnHA: Kacchan is all “sup Deku lemme just downplay how I totally took this fatal blow for you just now” before he dramatically passes out and is caught by Todoroki “BTDUBS I CAN FLY NOW” Shouto, who is also carrying his dad because the kids really are just doing it all, here. AllForRaki Tomura For One is all “HAHA BAKUGOU IS PRETTY DUMB”, at which point Deku just LOSES IT ENTIRELY and ASCENDS INTO A NEW PLANE OF FURY LIKE A LITTLE GREEN RAGE BUDDHA. But then like two seconds later Tomura is all “ANYWAY, SO” and FUCKING TOUCHES DEKU’S FACE, CAUSING THE TWO OF THEM TO ASTROPROJECT INTO THE FREAKY OFA/AFO MINDSCAPE BECAUSE THIS CHAPTER IS BANANAS. Vestige!AFO is all “reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated but aren’t you glad I saved your life though, Tomura”, while Tomura is all “!!” because he’s hopefully starting to get A Clue, and meanwhile Deku just stands there watching all “what the fuck.” The chapter ends with SHIMURA MCFUCKING NANA showing up all, “HI, I HEARD SOME BITCHES WERE TRYING TO HAVE A GIRL POWER ARC, AND THEY DIDN’T INVITE ME.” Go on, Nana. Give ‘em hell.

you guys. I’m not normally one to take pleasure in another human being’s misfortune. BUT THAT SAID, there are exceptions to every rule, and so let’s just say certain events have transpired early this morning which have PUT ME IN A VERY, LET’S JUST SAY, NOT-TERRIBLE MOOD which this chapter will hopefully improve upon!!

oh my god Deku’s one non-fucked-up eye that he still has control over is SO WIDE YOU GUYS

hmm I know I shouldn’t be all (゜▽゜) while the two of them are all (； ▼ Д ▼) (⁰ Д゜;) ... and yet here we are. btw I’m worried tumblr’s formatting will ruin those two emojis which I worked so hard to get just right so I’m gonna repost them on another line here just in case

(； ▼ Д ▼) (⁰ Д゜;) that’s them. Kacchan and Deku. my boys 

HERE COMES THE CHEESY “JUST GOT STABBED BETTER PLAY IT OFF ALL COOL!!!” ONE LINER OH MY GOD

(ETA: really love how my son, with what for all he knows could be his dying breaths, decides that the absolute most important thing is to preserve his selfish asshole facade so as not to fuck up his status quo with his rival. “LOOKEE HERE I GOT MYSELF ALL STABBED AND SHIT FOR YOU, BUT I TOTALLY JUST DID IT BECAUSE I WAS TIRED OF YOU GETTING ALL THE COOL HERO MOMENTS” yeah, that’s right! SELFLESS MOTIVATIONS, WHAT ARE THOSE sob.

also tbh I’m glad they didn’t delve any further into their feelings right here and now because this really isn’t the place or time for it sadly. WE WILL JUST PUT THOSE ON HOLD UNTIL AFTER THE ARC ENDS, when they are all recovering from their various wounds and traumas and have time to catch up and have some long-overdue heart-to-hearts. it deserves its own chapter or two or three. maybe time to head back to Ground Beta once they’re healthy? “healthy” perhaps being a relative term given their current condition fjsdjkf.)

by the way it looks from here like only the ones through his torso and shoulder actually hit, so that’s something at least. WE’VE LOST ENOUGH LEGS TODAY. I need to conserve my remaining puns

MEANWHILE TOMURA IS HAVING A CRISIS

ARE YOU MAD AT YOUR EVIL DAD TOMURA. HE JUST WON’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER WILL HE, THAT GUY

anyway so it looks like Kacchan might have caught a break here because AFO/Tomura is pulling the stabby quirk activation tendril things back out! rip, “Kacchan vs. Deku part 3″ theories

p.s. I got ALL CAUGHT UP IN THE DRAMA and thus glossed over the chapter title which is “one among us”! hmmm this is definitely AFO/OFA related, calling it now. ooh lord I am excited

NOW MY SON IS DRAMATICALLY FALLING

THE BLOOD FROM THE MOUTH OOF NOT GOOD AHHHH. DEKU’S FACE AHHHH. HIS BODY JUST WENT TOTALLY LIMP DID HE PASS OUT AHHHH. SOMEONE CATCH HIM!!

BY HIS FOOT, SHOUTO?!

well NOT EXACTLY THE MOST GRACEFUL THING I’VE EVER SEEN, but we’ll allow it because HOLY SHIT BOY. ARE YOU ALREADY CARRYING YOUR DAD ON TOP OF THAT?? HORIKOSHI PLEASE CONFIRM, IS TODOROKI MOTHERFUCKING SHOUTO FUCKING FLYING AROUND UNBALANCED AF ON HIS ONE FLAMEY LEG, CARRYING HIS 500 LB POP AND NOW HIS FLOPPY PASSED OUT BEST FRIEND AS WELL?!? HOLY SHIT TODO?!?!

LADIES AND GENTLEFRIENDS OF THE VILLAIN STANDOM, FEAR NOT, TOMURA’S HAIR IS THE FIRST THING THAT GREW BACK LOL

even before his eyeballs kfldkakjk. which, btw, how does he even know what’s going on right now? “this fight has shed a lot of useless blood” sdkmkjl okay well (1) WHOSE FAULT WAS THAT, AGAIN??, (2) SERIOUSLY THOUGH, HOW DOES HE EVEN KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU STABBED?? ARE YOU EFFECTIVELY BLIND FOR THE NEXT FEW SECONDS HERE, WHAT’S GOING ON, and lastly (3) I seriously can’t tell if this is AFO or Tomura talking right now. or are they going back and forth?? help this is so confusing

HEY

THE DISRESPECT. I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW KACCHAN ANGST IS NEVER USELESS!!

AND NOW HE’S BACK TO THE STABBING JFKJLKJLF I AM NOT TOO HAPPY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW MISTER

okay and now we’re cutting to some quick panels of the unconscious Aizawa, Gran, and Ryuukyuu, along with the “still conscious but in a very real sense might as well not be counted” Manual who is really having a day, that poor guy

anyway but then there’s also some dialogue boxes being all “if you act out of rage your power will respond accordingly, the most important part is to keep your head clear.” which I’m like 90% sure is Deku/OFA related, but honestly NOTHING ABOUT THIS CHAPTER IS CLEAR SO FAR YOU GUYS. except for the Shouto-is-a-badass part anyway

HMM YEP I’M GONNA GO WITH DEKU-RELATED

it must be a callback to some line I’m forgetting. maybe Lariat explaining Blackwhip to him that one time. probably should have been in italics if it was a flashback quote, but hey. anyways the point is Deku is absolutely, 100% following this advice to the letter (/s)

(ETA: yep I’m almost positive this is the same quote from chapter 213. “listen, when you use this power out of anger, it’ll really start working for you. what really matters is controlling your heart.” which is still one of the weirdest pieces of advice in the entire series, but basically I think he was just trying to tell him it’s okay to get mad, so long as it’s calmly mad. like, controlled fury, as opposed to this white-hot berserker nonsense he’s been running on as of late. anyways I do still love me some shounen rage all the same but Lariat has a point.)

...

it took me a minute to realize THOSE WERE DEKU’S EYES. holy --

AND ANOTHER MINUTE TO REALIZE THAT DEKU FUCKING GRABBED THE ACTIVATION TENDRIL WITH HIS BUSTED UP OFA HANDS AND BIT INTO IT WITH HIS RABID OFA JAWS AND SNAPPED THAT SHIT LIKE A FUCKING KITKAT KLJLKSJDLKJFLK WOOOOOOOO I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING BUT GODDAMN. POWER MOVE

(ETA: this is a two-page spread omg. I didn’t even realize at first. this scan ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT DO THIS BADASS PAGE ANY KIND OF JUSTICE but I can’t wait to see the real deal on Sunday holy shit.)

LMAO

DEKU RAGED SO HARD HE TURNED INTO AN ANGRY GHOST SONIC THE HEDGEHOG FKLSKG

(ETA: he actually looks a bit like the Vestiges/Kurogiri tbh.)

meanwhile Tomura basically has the exact same face I would have had in his position. yeah for real man. I don’t even know

p.s. WHEN will people learn to STOP INSULTING KACCHAN IN DEKU’S PRESENCE. WHEN, I ASK!!

WHAT IN THE CINNAMON TOAST FUCK

if this was a physical page I was holding I would have FLUNG THAT SHIT AWAY LIKE THERE WAS A SPIDER CRAWLING ON IT. WHAT THE FUCK

HOT DAMN. well uh. so that’s SUPER DISTURBING, what a lovely panel of Tomura’s melted face slowly growing back while his ears lag behind, and meanwhile that little scar that had been growing and growing and which at one point certain people (ME) thought might turn him into a BEAUTIFUL BUTTERLY instead RIPS HIS FACE IN HALF to reveal the KINDER EGG AFO SURPRISE UNDERNEATH AHHHHH TAKE IT BACK

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T LET MAD SCIENTISTS PERFORM EXPERIMENTS ON YOU, KIDS. PSA. JUST SAY NO

-- NO!!!

HORIKOSHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck

oh my god. I almost would have rather cut away right after the Kacchan incident than freaking cut away NOW of all times, jesus. THAT’S JUST A BITCH MOVE, IS WHAT THAT IS. if we don’t cut back within the next three pages I SWEAR TO GOD

anyway so GUESS WHAT GIGANTOMACHIA’S DOING YOU GUYS. if you guessed “the exact same thing he was doing last time we saw him” then you are absolutely right, because it was actually PRETTY EASY TO GUESS

anyway but he says he detects “master’s scent”, except that there’s apparently two of them. interesting! one in Tartarus and one in Jakku, right? lol Horikoshi has burned me so many times already with his excruciatingly slow reveal of this that I’m not gonna hold my breath just yet, but I’ll get the hype train warmed up JUST IN CASE

okay so meanwhile in downtown Jakku, the heroes are handing off the civilians over to the police and rescue forces while they prepare to engage with “the villain”, by which I assume they mean Gigantomachia. does this mean Iida and Ochako are gonna fight Machia you guys omg

OOH!!!

“PLEASE INFORM THEM ON FOOT” well I know a certain SPEEDY BOI who would be PERFECT for that job oh my. make haste, Tenyar FastmLeggy

WAIT WHICH WAY ARE THEY HEADING

ARE THEY HEADING TOWARDS MACHIA OR TOWARDS DEKU AND AFO

so rather than answering my VERY PERTINENT question, Ochako is instead spending an entire page thinking about how their complete clusterfuck of a life keeps getting exponentially worse all the time! well but she’s not wrong though

NOW SHE’S ALL “GUYS...!” and, rather than explaining ANYTHING AT ALL, Horikoshi is again cutting back to THIS, OMG AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(ETA: good thing Kacchan wasn’t awake to see his dramatic “I’ll just get myself impaled for Deku’s sake” plan result in this outcome ALL OF TWENTY SECONDS LATER smdh.)

I ACTUALLY PREFER MY DEKUS NON-CRUMBLED, THANKS. ALSO JUST ON A SIDE NOTE, POOR SHOUTO THOUGH. THE LAST NINETY SECONDS OR SO HAVE BEEN ENOUGH NIGHTMARE FUEL FOR A LIFETIME HAVEN’T THEY

so now he’s all “MIDORIYA!!!” because OF COURSE HE IS. his best friend just got impaled, and his dad too, and now he fully expects to see his other best friend crumble to dust right before his eyes holy shit. T R A U M A ™

-- !!!

somehow in the excitement of the moment I forgot his actual goal for a sec lol. meaning I instantaneously switched from HORRIFIED to GRINNING LIKE A MANIAC :D :D :D come on OFA time to show him what’s what

AND NOW WE’RE SWITCHING OVER TO EVERYONE’S FAVORITE TRIPPY DREAM LANDSCAPE FOR ADDITIONAL DRAMA, WELL OKAY

I’M ON BOARD WITH THIS, WHATEVER. also it’s becoming increasingly apparent that Deku is in fact nekkid underneath that mystical cloud bs, so let’s hope one of his remaining yet-to-be-unlocked quirks is a pants-conjuring quirk lulz

“this place...” yeah we all fucking know what this place is son, let’s get on with this. by my count we’ve only got four pages left so PLEASE BUDGET THEM WISELY

OH MY

holy shit. I have so many screaming thoughts about this lol but I just want to keep on reading lkjlkjlkjl okay I’ll come back later and edit them in, how’s that

OR MAYBE I’LL JUST RANT ABOUT THEM NOW GODDAMMIT

shit. okay let me just try and sum this up as quick as I can

so just in case it wasn’t already crystal clear, AFO’s soul being roommates with Tomura’s seems to be just about 100% confirmed now. good for you, All For One For All theory!! the “Kacchan loses his quirk” theory died so that you might live on in glory

AFO does seem to have almost fully taken control now. it looks like Tomura’s still fighting back, but AFO clearly has the upper hand now if their body language is any indication. Tomura on his knees with AFO calmly holding him down and ignoring his struggles... not looking too good for him at the moment

people seem to have somewhat lost sight of this in the midst of the great “heroes vs. villains Who Is Right Who Is Wrong What Are Morals” debate of 2020, but just a friendly reminder that AFO is in fact responsible for 100% of all of Tomura’s suffering from pretty much the moment he was born up till this very moment we’re now witnessing!! like, you can go ahead and blame Nana and Gran and The Complacent Apathy Of Hero Society and whatever the fuck else from here till Sunday, but All for One is the reason Kotarou was orphaned. All for One is almost certainly the reason why the seemingly quirkless Tenko suddenly just magically developed THE MOST FUCKED UP QUIRK OF ALL TIME at the worst possible moment. All for One is probably the reason why no one helped Traumatized Baby Tenko in the immediate aftermath (I can and likely will write a separate post about this in the near future). All for One is definitely the reason why no one helped Tenko at any point after that. All for One is the reason why Tenko grew up all fucked in the head (“HERE’S YOUR DEAD FAMILY’S HANDS, MERRY CHRISTMAS”), and the reason why he grew up blaming Heroes and Society rather than the sole person who was actually responsible who was literally standing right in front of him the entire time. and lastly, All for One is the reason why Tomura has now been manipulated into unknowingly sacrificing his own body and possibly even his mind. so THANKS A LOT FOR THAT. more like jerk for one amiright

basically what I’m trying to say is that Deku and Tomura are not actually enemies here, and they never have been. the two of them have a common enemy, and I’m convinced Tomura’s story is about him eventually coming to realize this. and this looks to be the first step towards that, for two reasons. one, because AFO is finally starting to out himself to Tomura as the rat bastard he has always been. and two, because Deku is catching a glimpse of this now for the very first time. up until now he didn’t have a damn clue lol. but this is now something for him to file away in the back of his mind, and perhaps follow up on at a later date, once all of this craziness finally subsides and he has some time to process

anyway, so that’s basically it! tl;dr AFO is the final villain and unless I’m very much mistaken, this scene is going to finally start to set that up. let’s read on!

OMG

NANA?!?

lKDSJFLKSHGLISHDOGIHOLRKL

NOOOOOO I can’t believe it fucking ended there I can’t fucking believe it, fuck everything

smdh. what a place to end it. didn’t confirm a damn thing. not even whose mental landscape all of this is actually taking place in! like, don’t mind me though Horikoshi, it’s not like THE FATE OF THE WORLD HINGES ON THIS QUESTION OR ANYTHING except oh wait it really kind of does. kljkj

but seriously. because if it’s Deku’s mind, it means that Tomura’s attempt to take his quirk wasn’t successful. but if it’s Tomura’s mind, though... well... hhhhhhkhfff

or it could be both, I guess. more of that “AFO and OFA are the same quirk and thus linked” goodness. oh man. anyways stay tuned for next week when Nana presumably helps Deku out with the rest of that black fog and also hopefully finds him some pants. or maybe Nana can just go fight AFO herself. a little payback for everything he’s done to her protege and to her grandson. either way I CAN’T WAIT omg. VESTIGE ANTICS ARE A GO

[ladyseaheart1668]

Endless Summer Book 4: Daughter of Vaanu (Chapter 56)

Description: The Catalysts attempt to return to their lives as River Skye finally comes home.  tagging: @endlesshero1122 @mysteli @feartheendlesssummer @whatmcsaid @tigerbryn11

Chapter 56: Not Over

Alodia

I almost can’t believe how quickly I start to feel better once the fever breaks. The pain, which had felt like some hellish demon with teeth made of red-hot iron gnawing at my lower back, begins to recede within hours. 

“That’s how it tends to go with an infection like this once we find the right antibiotic,” the doctor tells me. “You are fortunate, though. These days, a lot of bacteria have developed resistance to antibiotics. But the infection is responding well to treatment, and all your vitals and your blood work look good. And your daughter appears as healthy as a baby horse. ...I would just like to take a quick look at how you’re healing from the birth if that’s okay.” 

I nod, turning onto my back with Jake’s help as the doctor draws the curtain around the bed. Improved as I am, I know I’m not at full strength yet, because moving still hurts. I guess I must have winced, because the doctor raises an eyebrow in concern as she pulls on a pair of gloves.

“You okay there?” 

“I think so. Guess I’m still pretty sore.” 

“That’s to be expected. You probably won’t feel one-hundred percent for another week or two at least.” 

I draw my knees up and part my thighs while the doctor pulls up a stool at the foot of the bed and lifts the blanket. I keep my attention focused on Jake’s face above me and the pressure of his hand on mine as the doctor carries out her checks. Occasionally, I let my eyes wander around to the multiple bouquets and mylar balloons that have built up over the past couple days, gifts from the Catalysts, Tahira’s team, my aunt and uncle, and Jake and Diego’s parents. 

“Everything is healing beautifully. Stitches should be dissolved by next week. You’re probably going to be feeling pretty tender for a while though.” 

“Yeah, we had the whole tearing conversation with my OB in California some time ago.” 

“Good. If you have any pressing questions regarding the birth and recovery, you can of course ask me, or one of the maternity staff. We can also forward your hospital records to your regular OBGYN.” 

“How long do you think it will be before we can go home?” Jake asks. 

She pulls the blanket back down and stands, peeling off her gloves. “Well, the fact is, we want to get her and your baby out of here ASAP to lower the chances of either of them picking up a secondary infection.” She smiles at me. “Now that the fever’s gone, we’re gonna get you off the drip and onto some oral antibiotics, and we can pretty much start the discharge process immediately.” 

“So soon?” My own question surprises me, but it’s out of my mouth before I realize it’s on the end of my tongue. 

“Believe me, it’s better we get you both out of here.” 

“I know. It’s not that I want to stay here. It’s just...thinking about how we’re going to get home...how soon we can get home…” 

“That’s all taken care of, Princess. Aleister is having Castor and Pollux deep cleaned, and he and Grace are gonna put us up for a few days until Mike gets up here from Santo Domingo. Diego and Varyyn are with Estela and Quinn, and your aunt and uncle basically paid for hotel rooms for everyone else.” 

His infodump has my head reeling a little, but there was one particular tidbit I find myself fixing on. 

“Why is Mike…?” I trail off as realization crashes down on me in an icy wave. A bit of information I had nearly forgotten in my struggle to bring my baby safely into the world while fighting a fever. Jake wasn’t worrying about me for all that time from the safety of our home in California. I don’t know the details, but I have a sinking feeling that has something to do with the reason that Mike isn’t here with us now. 

Jake folds my hand between his palms, glancing at the doctor. “Hey...do you have everything you need? I’d like a few minutes alone with my wife, if that’s okay.” 

“Of course. I’ll get the ball rolling on your discharge.” 

I wait until I’m sure she’s well clear of the room before I reach to stroke Jake’s cheek. “...I know Lundgren got his filthy hands on you. ...Fiddler told me. ...I’m guessing he got a hold of Mike, too.” 

He leans into my touch. “...And Sean and Michelle. Nabbed us all as I was bringing ‘em back from the island.” 

“I don’t know if she told me that. That conversation got swallowed up in worrying about you, and then I got sick and River started coming, and…” I swallow, running my thumb along the fuzzy ridge of his cheekbone. “...Did they hurt you? Any of you?” 

He shrugs, not meeting my eyes. “Knocked us all around a little. Michelle’s the smart one, of course, so she escaped the worst. ...Mike’s in Santo Domingo having his prosthetics repaired. Lundgren ripped them out ot torture him.” 

I shudder. “Oh, god...Oh, Jake, I’m sorry...I’m so sorry…” 

I’m crying before I realize it. And as soon as I do realize, it turns into sobbing. Jake reaches down to gather me in his arms and cradle my head against his shoulder, rocking me tenderly. 

“It’s okay,” he murmurs into my hair. “It’s okay. He’s gonna be fine. You’re gonna be fine. In a few days, we’ll be home with our baby.” 

“I w-wanna be home,” I hiccup. “I wanna be home with River, but I’m scared of leaving everyone again. I just wanna bring them all home with us…” 

“Well, it’s a very big house. ...On the other hand, you cram us all into the same house long term, it might start to feel less big. Plus, it would mean a brutal cross-country commute for some of them.” 

I can’t help chuckling a little bit, which makes the sobs start to die down. Jake gives me a moment to get myself under control before he speaks again. 

“...How are you feeling, Princess? Really?” 

“Physically?” I pull back gently to lie down on the pillow again. “Definitely better. My head is clearer, and I don’t hurt as much. But I’m still worn out. And by the way, you’re gonna have to make due with blow jobs for awhile, because it’s gonna be a long time before you stick that thing in me again, if ever.” 

It’s his turn to laugh, and he bends to kiss me. “Princess, I will tug it for the rest of my life as long as you’re still a part of that life.” 

“I will be a part of your life as long as the universe allows,” I promise. “...But Jake, we both know this isn’t over.” 

He sighs, and I see his forehead crease before he presses it to mine. “I know. I know you’re right. But for River’s sake--and mine--will you let the others take care of that for now? I ain’t saying don’t worry, because I know that’s impossible. But River and I need you healthy. Can you stand to let yourself be looked after for a while?” 

I feel a rueful smile tug at one corner of my mouth. “Am I to assume that arguing is pointless?” 

A tapping at the open door to the birthing suite distracts Jake from answering. We both look up to find Raj and Diego hovering in the doorway, Raj with a paper bag in his hand, and Diego with his right arm in a soft blue sling. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since River was born, and I sit up a little straighter as he hesitantly steps over the threshold. 

“...Are we interrupting?” 

The baby has started fussing, and Jake eases off the edge of the bed to go pick her up. I open my arms to Diego. Just before he rushes into them, I see his face twist with anguish. And as he falls against me, his one-armed grip is surprisingly strong. 

“Goddammit, Allie,” he whispers quiveringly. “Goddammit…” 

“...Did I scare you?” 

He pulls back sharply, enough so he can look me in the face, but he keeps a grip on my shoulder. “Did you scare me?! You had me on my knees saying the Ave Maria! Do you know how long it’s been since I said the Ave Maria?!” 

There isn’t really a lot I can say to that, but I smile ruefully. “...Thanks for staying with me.” 

“What, you thought I’d bail?” 

I snort. “God, no. But I can still be grateful.” 

“...You’re really okay?” 

I nod. “I’m fine. The fever is gone, and the wound doesn’t really hurt anymore. I’m still pretty sore down there, though.” 

A smile finally starts to play cautiously around his mouth. “...Well, that part’s Jake’s problem.” 

“How about you?” I ask, gingerly touching the strap of his navy blue sling. 

“That’s nothing serious. It was dislocated, but they popped it back in. Just got to wear this for a few more days, and take it easy once we get back home. ...Raj brought food, by the way.” 

“Oh!” I pull back a little to smile at Raj. “Sorry, big guy. I didn’t mean to ignore you.” 

Raj chuckles. “We’ll blame it on the new mommy brain and leave it at that. Speaking of which…” He shoos Diego back enough that he can drag my bed table over across my lap, and sets an insulated lunch box on top. “I figured you could do with something better than hospital fruit cups and oatmeal, so I brought you a special Raj lunch. Michelle supervised its creation, and it’s full of stuff that’s supposed to be good for new moms.” 

“What is it?” 

“So glad you asked!” With a flourish, he opens the bag, and pulls out each item in turn, presenting them like a game show prize lady. “A sandwich of salmon, spinach, and poached egg on whole wheat bread with a garlic white bean spread; in case you are extra hungry, a side of gourmet trail mix made from an assortment of nuts and dried fruit; and to drink, a pineapple-orange-banana smoothie with extra protein powder, and just a few extra leaves of spinach!” 

I can’t help but be uplifted by his enthusiasm, and hold out my arms for a hug. “I must be the most spoiled new mother in the world.” 

Raj embraces me lightly over the table. “As you should be. You know in some Asian cultures, a new mother spends a whole month resting while her mother-in-law takes care of her and the baby.” 

“Oh yeah?” I look at Jake. “Think your mother would spend a month taking care of me?” 

“Honestly, I bet she would. The problem would be getting her to ease up and let you start taking care of things after the month was up.” 

“Hmm...probably best not to give her ideas then.” 

“Probably. We’ll have my folks over in few more months, when we’ve had a chance to get settled.” 

“...But…” Raj says, “in the meantime, do you think you guys will be needing any extra help? I know it’s going to be a pretty full house as it is, but Diego’s going to want to take it easy with lifting and stuff for a while, and Michelle says Mike will probably need time to recover, too. If you need a couple extra pairs of hands and someone to do the cooking, I have some downtime, and I know Lila would be happy to come along.” 

I look questioningly at Jake, who shrugs. “I don’t have anything against that. It’s a big enough house. And if Varyyn and I are gonna be the only ones at full strength for the time being, I wouldn’t say no to a couple extra pairs of hands.”

“And probably better those hands be Raj and Lila than anyone’s parents,” Diego adds. “I bet Varyyn would prefer not having to wear his disguise twenty-four-seven.” 

“Yeah. And,” Jake adds with a sigh, shifting River to rest against his shoulder, “it’s probably preferable not to involve anyone who ain’t already involved in the bigger picture. ...Like you said before, Princess, this ain’t over.” 

“But for now, we’re all safe and sound, and Allie has a lunch to eat.” Diego smiles encouragingly as he pushes the tinfoil-wrapped sandwich toward me. “Go on. Dig in.” 

Jake

I gotta admit, it does my heart good to see my wife savoring the meal Raj brought her and enjoying our friends’ company. She seems almost back to her old self as she talks and tells jokes and teases with them. Although, as I put River in her arms, I can’t help but be reminded that she’ll never be exactly like her old self again. Not now that she’s a mama. Not like I’m ever gonna be exactly like my old self again either. I’m a daddy now. That’s gonna change me forever. The thought scares me, like it has a lot over the past nine months. But just a look at that precious little face is enough to reassure me that I am never gonna regret it. 

Diego and Raj eventually leave us on our own again. After nursing and burping, River sleeps just long enough that we can fill out her birth certificate, nestled side-by-side on the bed. From there, it’s not more than an hour or two before they’re wheeling Alodia toward the hospital exit with River in her arms again while I walk at her shoulder, a baby carrier in the crook of my elbow and my arms laden with flowers and mini mylar balloons. Any staff we happen to pass on the way out smile and wave or give us their congratulations. I have a feeling that in a hospital, any chance to see a patient off happy and healthy is a cause for celebration, and that probably goes double for a new mama leaving with a baby. 

Grace is waiting in a car for us at the curb outside the hospital. One of Reggie’s old carseats is in the backseat. Grace settles the baby in the carseat while I help Alodia into the seat beside her. 

“There’s a surprise for you guys when we get to our place,” Grace informs us as I circle around the car to get in on the other side of River. 

“Nothing too strenuous, I hope,” Alodia quips. “I am not up for a party yet.” 

Grace chuckles as she starts up the car. “Oh, believe me, I realize that. No, everyone is pretty sure parties are off the table for you for the time being. ...But you do know that everyone is going to want to see you before you leave, right? You gave us a scare, and no one wants you to go before we all know you’re okay. ...Plus, everyone wants to see River.” 

“I am not opposed to visitors,” Alodia assures her. “Just...only a few at a time.” 

“Absolutely. We won’t let you get overwhelmed.” 

“River, either,” Alodia adds, stroking our sleeping daughter’s downy hair. “Poor thing is probably overwhelmed as it is, suddenly coming into all this noise and color and light.” 

“Birth is the craziest thing that ever happens to us, and none of us remember it,” I remark, letting the blade of my forefinger run gently back and forth across the soft back of River’s tiny hand. Her little fingers twitch just slightly, and the base of her pacifier rocks back and forth across her lips, but she doesn’t wake up. I don’t expect the quiet will last. 

River does sleep throughout the half hour or so it takes to drive to Aleister and Grace’s luxury Northbridge apartment. As we pull up to the curb, I realize what our surprise is. 

“Mike!” 

I must have been a little louder than I thought, because River wakes up with a cry that can only be described as irritated, but it doesn’t fully register until I have already launched myself out of the car towards Mike. He’s balancing on a walker, so I at least have the good sense not to jostle him, but I can’t hold myself back from grasping him firmly by the shoulders. He grins, carefully removing his hands from the walker one at a time to grasp me back. 

“Good to see ya, Grandpa.” 

“Shit, you too! We weren’t expecting you for another couple days! How are you feeling?” 

“Well, as you can tell,” he says, nodding at the walker, “I’m not quite ready to run a marathon yet. But my new legs are healing up nice. ...Good to see you, Goldilocks.” 

His gaze shifts over my shoulder, and I turn to look back at my wife supporting herself on Aleister’s arm while Grace bounces River in her arms. Alodia smirks at me, her eyes twinkling mischievously. 

“I feel like I should make a joke about you abandoning your wife and child in the car to go hang out with your buddy,” she drawls. 

I grin sheepishly as Mike carefully returns his grip to the walker. “Sorry about that. Let me make it up to you.” 

I lunge and sweep her up bridal style, and I have the pleasure of feeling her arms twine around my neck. 

“Mmm, much better. However, unlike your daughter, I am actually capable of walking.” 

“But you don’t have to. Not right now, anyway.” But I do return her to her feet after capturing her mouth in a kiss. I don’t entirely take my hands off her yet, though. After her ordeal, I don’t think she’s really that much steadier than Mike right now. Her grip as she slips her arm through mine confirms my concerns. 

I’m standing between my wife and my best friend, and neither of them are fully able to stand under their own power. I’m starting to feel that much more grateful to Raj for volunteering to help us out for a while. 

I think Mike notices Alodia’s weakness, too, because his forehead creases just a little. “You all right, Goldilocks? From what I hear, you gave everyone a real scare.” 

“It was pretty scary on my end, too. But I’m fine now. How about you?” 

Mike shrugs. “Ahh, you know. A few weeks of rehab, I’ll be a six-million dollar man again. In the meantime,” he adds wryly, stroking the frame of his walker, “it’ll be hard to call Jake ‘Grandpa’ when I’m dottering around on this thing.” 

“You just called me ‘Grandpa’ two minutes ago.” 

“And I cannot tell you how hard I internally cringed. Seriously, if you could have seen my internal expression, you’d have thought I was sucking lemons.” 

I am morally obligated to reach out and swat him for that, but before I can, Alodia abruptly steps forward to wrap her arms around his shoulders. It’s an awkward embrace, encumbered by the walker and both of them still being weak, but it’s a sincere one, and Mike leans into it gratefully. 

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Alodia murmurs. 

“You too,” Mike says softly, reaching up to pat her shoulder with one hand. “But can we go inside? I wanna properly meet that baby you’ve been carrying around for the past nine months!” 

***

The Catalysts come by in shifts throughout the afternoon and evening, apparently having planned it all out beforehand. No one stays more than an hour at a time, which proves to be a good thing, since Alodia is clearly worn out by about eight in the evening. We’re set up in the guest room of the Rourke apartment, with River in a bassinet beside us, and Mike on the foldaway bed in the living room. 

Alodia nurses River and rocks her to sleep before lying down herself. At first, I curl up beside Alodia in bed. She’s asleep within minutes, but I’m not as quick. And after an hour, it’s pretty clear that I’m not on my way to dreamland any time soon. I don’t want to leave Alodia or River. I never want to leave Alodia’s side again. But I’m restless. Anxious. And eventually, the desire not to disturb what precious little sleep my wife might have before our daughter wakes her up again wins out over my irrational need to pace back and forth between them. I check the windows, making sure they’re locked, then I slip out of the room as quietly as I can, heading back out into the living room. 

I find Mike, Aleister, and Grace all seated in the living room. On the coffee table are four short, round glasses and a bottle of golden red liquid that I’m guessing is some kind of whiskey. 

“We were starting to wonder if you had also fallen asleep,” Aleister says. He gestures to the glasses. “We thought you might like to wet your baby’s head.” 

“Kind of a weird expression,” I remark. Nonetheless, I pick up the bottle and take a seat in an armchair to read the label. “Ooh, Irish Mist. Fancy.” 

“It is not every day that one becomes a father. The night Reginald was born, Diego, Varyyn, and I toasted his birth with Irish Mist.” 

I crack open the bottle, and lean forward to fill each of the four glasses about halfway. I set down the bottle and raise my glass, the others following suit. 

“To River Skye McKenzie, my beautiful angel. And to her mother, my better half, who is truly the best and bravest of us.” 

“Here, here!” Grace says. We clink glasses, and I take a long, deep drink, savoring the sweet notes of honey and spices riding atop the alcoholic burn of whiskey. I return my glass to the table empty and lean back in my chair. 

“When my sister and I both were born, my grandpa had my dad and the men of the neighborhood over to smoke cigars on the porch.” I chuckle a little. “Rebecca remembers helping our grandma in the kitchen, and seeing all the men outside smoking. She says what she remembers most about the day I was born was our dad coming in from outside to give her a hug, but she pushed him away and said, ‘No, Daddy! You stink!’” 

My story prompts the expected laughter. 

“I am afraid Irish Mist will have to do tonight,” Aleister says. “I did not think to buy cigars. Nor would I know enough to ensure I was purchasing a quality product. As I understand it, Cuban cigars are the best, but those are illegal.” 

Mike shudders. “Honestly, I think the smell of a Cuban would be enough to give me flashbacks. Lundgren used to smoke contraband Cubans.” 

“Same here,” I agree. “I mean...there was that one time…” 

“...That one time what?” 

I chuckle a little, rubbing the back of my head. “Okay, no one currently in this room was there when Zahra blew up MASADA…” 

“What’s that got to do with Cuban cigars?” 

I sigh, but in spite of myself, in spite of how literally everyone else in the room with me was in some kind of bad situation at the time, I feel a smile playing around my mouth at the memory. 

“Okay, so it’s me, Alodia, Sean, Quinn, Estela, Craig, and Zahra trying to find another way out of the complex after the gondola gets severed, and when we go through a control room, Zahra gets the idea to blow the whole thing up. We figure it’s worth the couple extra minutes, so we let her do it. And while she’s rigging the system, I find one of Lundgren’s Cubans somewhere on the floor. ...And I light it up. But only to spite the bastard.” 

“But did you enjoy it?” Mike asks. 

“Hell, yeah! The hype ain’t a lie, buddy. Not saying I’d do it again unless it were one of his personal stash, but that was a real good smoke. ...Still...it wouldn’t be right to celebrate River with Cuban cigars. Lundgren and Rourke did enough to taint her birth.” 

“Nothing has been tainted,” Grace says firmly. “She and Alodia both came through it well and healthy.”

“I ain’t losing sight of what’s important,” I assure her. “But I can’t let my guard down, either.  ...We all know this ain’t over.” 

Grace sighs. “...No, you’re right. It isn’t over. ...Which means...I should probably tell you what I learned in Ireland.”

Diego

I knew that the Catalysts wouldn’t have sat on their hands while any of their own were in danger, but I am surprised to learn just how busy they were during the time that Allie and I were in Arachnid’s claws. I’m even more surprised--and frankly unsettled--by some of the things they learned. Yvonne might be alive. Lundgren flew the same plane that killed Allie’s parents, even though the twisted wreckage of that plane is the property of the NTSB. The whole mess with Allie’s mom, that weird AI message from a program made by Allie’s mom. It all leaves us with a lot more questions than answers. 

I told the police everything I felt like I could safely tell them. I went so far as to tell them that I think Everett Rourke might be alive because that’s who our kidnappers claimed they were taking us to. I don’t know if they believed me. I don’t know if the future of the Vaanti is safe. A part of me hopes that they lose interest in the case since everyone who was abducted has been recovered safely. But I also know that none of us are really safe until Rourke is either back behind bars or dead. 

Aleister and Estela make all the travel arrangements for those of us going back to California, including my folks and Allie’s. Castor carries me, Allie, Jake, Varyyn, Mike, Raj, Lila, Rebecca, and River. For once, Jake and Mike aren’t going to be flying. Pollux is taking our families. A third plane, smaller but no less luxurious, takes Jake’s parents back to Louisiana. They’re reluctant to leave him. They don’t want to be apart from their son, or their daughter, or their granddaughter. He assures them they can come visit soon, but that their daughter-in-law needs some time to recover first. 

At the airport, Allie’s aunt and uncle hesitate to part from her on the tarmac. Allie stands with River in her arms, patiently enduring as Molly smoothes her hair and kisses her forehead, asking if she’s sure Allie doesn’t want her and Rob to wait at the airport in California to drive her home. When Allie insists she’s sure; that Molly and Rob should go ahead and get home so they can rest. Rob says they’ll make sure there are cars waiting for us to take us all back to the house in Laguna. 

My parents board the plane before I arrive at the airport. On board the plane, I nestle up with Varyyn on one of the double-width leather seats. I wind my arms around him and bury my face in his shoulder, inhaling his scent. He kisses the top of my head. 

“Are you alright, my love?” he murmurs. 

“...I’ll be fine,” I assure him. “I’m just...disappointed. I knew my parents weren’t ready to meet you. But I had hoped...I don’t know. I had hoped it wouldn’t be like this. Even if I knew it probably would be.” 

Varyyn sighs, bringing a hand up to stroke my cheek. “They may yet come around. Or they may not. In the end, it is up to them. All I can promise is that I will love you regardless of their decision.” 

“...I love you, too.” 

“You guys all set?” Raj’s voice makes me look up. The others are boarding behind us and finding their seats. Jake helps Allie settle in and get her seatbelt on, River still cradled in her arms. 

“Are you sure a plane is really the best way to travel with a newborn?” Lila asks. 

“When the choices are between a rental car, a train, or a private plane for a cross-country trip, a private plane is hands down the best option,” Rebecca declares. “I mean, if we were on a commercial plane, I’d think twice, since those things are basically flying petri dishes. But this plane has been deep-cleaned, unlike the train. It’s more comfortable than a car, and faster than both the car or the train.” 

“Yeah, but what about her little ears? All the pressure?” 

“The doctor says that if I nurse her during take-off and landing, that should keep her comfortable. Besides...I just want to be home.” 

Home. The word washes through me in a way that comforts me even as it makes me want to cry. Images flash through my mind of the house I share with my husband, my best friend, her husband, and his best friend--and now, my little niece and goddaughter. Watching movies in the living room with Allie. Sharing dinner around the table or out on the balcony. Cuddling with Varyyn in the hot tub in the evening, letting the warm, swirling water sap the energy from my body, and then sliding into bed beside him and drifting off to sleep in his arms. At home, I don’t have to hide. I don’t have to walk on eggshells or worry about losing anyone’s love. At home, I’m safe and free. I meet my best friend’s eyes, offering her a tired smile. 

“I’m with you, Allie. Let’s get home.” 

Raj

Nothing but the best for my friends, that’s my motto. I came to the house in Laguna Beach to make sure that my friends would have the best care while they needed it, and I waste no time in getting down to business. Alodia, Diego, and Mike need space to convalesce. But with a new baby in a huge house like this, there is a lot to be done. Jake and Varyyn can’t be expected to do everything, and that’s where I and Lila come in. 

River is constantly monitored. Whenever she cries, someone is ready to come running to change her diaper, or to bring her to Alodia for feeding. I prepare meals ahead of time that can be easily heated and served, so no one goes hungry. Lila helps me cook and keep the house clean. Alodia’s aunt and uncle attempt to send cleaning and catering services to her at one point, but they end up being politely refused. Lila and I have everything under control, and none of us want strangers poking around here. 

Alodia is occasionally moody, snapping at everyone to stop fussing over her, and she can’t wait to be free of this gilded cage and go back out into the world. This is usually followed by tearful apologies, with all of us assuring her that we don’t take it personally. She just had a baby, she’s allowed to be moody. Besides, the moment someone places River in her arms, it seems like everything is right in her world, and everything is right in our world, too. 

...Except it’s not. Not entirely. 

River is happy and healthy. Alodia is getting her strength back. Diego gets rid of the sling, and Mike starts to get around without the walker again. But underneath the surface, there is still trauma. There’s still fear. 

“They’re having nightmares,” I tell Lila one morning as we’re preparing breakfast. She pauses for a moment with a knife poised above an orange before swiftly slicing it in half. 

“Is that so surprising?” she asks. She doesn’t look at me as she speaks, but concentrates on making sure the thick, white heart of the orange half in her hand is positioned properly on the cone of the juicer before she presses down and begins to twist. Bright yellow juice splashes down into the container below. 

“Well, no. But it is sad. Jake and Alodia especially should be concentrating on enjoying their new baby, not having nightmares and worrying about whether Rourke’s coming back for them.” 

Lila pulls the now-deflated orange rind off the cone of the juicer and tosses it on the countertop. Ribbons of tattered orange flesh cling to the inside of the rind. She picks up the other half. 

“...Do you ever have nightmares from Mr. Rourke?” she asks softly. 

“Of course,” I reply. “Not as much as before, but I think we all have them sometimes. After what we all went through, I think I’d be more surprised if any of us didn’t.” 

The twisting of the orange on the juicer slows just slightly. The toaster pops behind me, and I pluck four pieces of perfectly browned bread from the slots to toss onto a plate. 

“...I have nightmares, too.” 

The butter has been softening on the counter, and my knife slides easily through it. The heat from the toast softens it further, and it spreads cleanly. 

“...You want to talk about it?” 

Lila shakes her head, picking up her knife and another orange. “No. Not now. They don’t really matter anyway. They’re about things that happened in the past. I’m less scared of them than I am of what happens in the future.” 

“Do you mean Rourke’s next move?” 

“Of course that scares me. ...But more than that, I’m scared of him trying to use me against all of you again.” 

“We won’t let that happen, Lila. You’re safe with us.” 

“...But are you safe with me?” 

I pause a moment before putting down my knife. I turn to Lila, put one hand on each of her shoulders, and turn her toward me. 

“Lila...look at me. ...Has Rourke approached you at all since you’ve been with us again?” 

Her eyes widen in what looks like genuine surprise. “What? No, I...that isn’t what I meant!” 

I relax just a little. “...Okay.” I slowly take my hands away from her shoulders. “...You’d tell me if he had, wouldn’t you?” 

She nods. “Of course.” 

“Good. ...Because if he approaches you again, we can help you. We can help keep you out from under his thumb. ...We’re not gonna let him just have you back.” 

A weak smile lifts the corners of her mouth. “I believe you.” She hastily turns back to the oranges in front of her. “You should...um...finish buttering before the toast gets cold.” 

Overhead, the sharp, piercing cry of an infant rings through the air. I smile. Another morning blending into another day. It’s not perfect. We’ve got reason to worry. But for now, all is well. 

Diego

I keep my head down as I move through the halls of my high school, clutching the straps of my worn-out backpack. It’s the same shabby gray one I’ve been carrying since freshman year. I’m a junior now, and the corners near the bottom are starting to fray where the sharp corners of paper-bag covered textbooks have dug into them. 

My stomach growls. I skipped lunch again today. My parents were gone to work early again, and I didn’t leave myself enough time to make myself anything this morning. I barely had time to scarf down a banana for breakfast. I didn’t have enough cash for a cafeteria lunch, either, and besides, I preferred spending my lunch period playing on the computer in the library to sitting by myself at the end of a table filled with noisy strangers anyway. 

If I can scrape together enough change from the bottom of my pencil case, I might have enough to get a bag of chips from the vending machine before I have to go to my after school job. But for now, my hunger isn’t all that sharp, and I am heading towards English Lit, the only class I currently look forward to. 

The class is taught by Mr. Hunter. He also teaches the film-making class I want to sign up for next semester. He’s in his early fifties, and not handsome. He is tall and lanky, with gray-green eyes and a dark helmet of slicked back hair that sits atop a rectangular face. He has one of those mustaches that seemed to be popular in the 1970’s that always make a man look a little sketchy. He wears paisley shirts and slacks, and his voice reminds me of Bert from Sesame Street.

Mr. Hunter is the best teacher I’ve ever had at this school. When we studied Romeo and Juliet, he started off by giving us all a printed-off list of Shakespearean insults. When one girl tried to mumble her way through a line-reading, he shouted, “Put some feeling into it, you saucy wench!” 

Mr. Hunter is also gay, and he does not attempt to hide this. When my parents ask about my teachers and which ones I like best, I leave this fact out. If they knew, they would make me switch to another class. Mr. Hunter has a picture of himself with his boyfriend on his desk. I’ve seen it when I’ve gone up to hand in assignments. His partner is bald and ruddy-skinned. He’s not handsome, either, but he has an open, friendly smile. Sometimes, I imagine them kissing. I worry that I have a crush on Mr. Hunter. 

On the post of every classroom door is a laminated pink triangle, with a message proclaiming that this is a safe space for LGBTQ students. These triangles are mandated by the school district. Not every teacher honors them. One teacher actually tore hers down and refused to put it back up. She was fired. Last year, two girls were voted “Cutest Couple” in their senior class. I look at the triangles, prominently displayed as I walk into each classroom, and I don’t feel particularly safe. I feel safe in Mr. Hunter’s classroom. 

Inside Mr. Hunter’s classroom, two boys from the football team act out a love poem with one of them in a curly blond wig and the bottom of his shirt tucked into his collar to create a crop top. They end with a flourish, with the boy in the wig jumping into the other boy’s arms and goosing him. Everyone applauds their performance, including Mr. Hunter. 

Outside Mr. Hunter’s classroom, guys of all stripes growl “faggot” in my direction, and even the girls who are nice to me seem pitying more than anything. There’s a Pride club that meets after school two days a week, but I don’t dare join. I’m slowly realizing I can’t deny the truth anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can just announce it to the world. 

I have just enough change to buy a bag of chips after school. I put it in my backpack as I make my way toward the library where I work for a few hours each day. I see Sam Dzugan eyeing me as I pass through the main doors to the school, and feel dread so familiar that it’s almost dull. Of all the bullies at this school, Sam is the worst. He also knows where I work. If he’s bored and hungry for a power fix tonight, I’m in for a rough walk home. 

But he doesn’t follow me to work. At the library, I set to work filing back the books from the return cart. As I do, my mind wanders to the same place it always does: Alodia. 

Alodia. My ideal friend. I conjure up an image of her beside me. She would be pretty, like all the most popular girls at school. I summon a small, pale figure with blonde hair, big blue eyes, and rosy cheeks. I talk with her in my head as I wander the aisles of the library with the return cart. I can picture her cheeky smile as clearly as if she were really beside me. I have spent many years getting the details of her perfect. Early incarnations of her were dark-haired. Green-eyed. Taller. I drew pictures of her. I wrote down her description in a private notebook that I kept under my mattress. But she never felt as real as when I wrote her with golden blonde hair and sapphire eyes. 

She laughs at all my jokes as I work the rest of my shift. I forgot to eat the chips I bought, and I’m hungry enough now to start feeling dizzy. ...Alodia would invite me to dinner at her house. A huge, fancy house with a pool, where a chef would have prepared a gourmet meal. 

“Don’t worry about Sam,” she would say. “If he gives you any trouble, I’ll fight him off.” ...Because Alodia would be fierce. A fighter. Alodia was a hero. A hero who loved me unconditionally. 

Alodia was never meant to be my lover. I wasn’t looking for a lover when I first dreamed Alodia into existence, which is probably why I always imagined her as a girl. I could scarcely imagine having a lover before I had a friend. That was what Alodia was to me. A friend. A friend who would always love me. A friend who I could tell my secrets to without judgment. A friend to fight for me and protect me, who saw value in me, and needed me back. 

But my friend is a fantasy. And when I leave work and Sam corners me in the encroaching darkness, Alodia vanishes…

...I wake up with a gasp, bolting upright in the darkness of my room. Beside me, Varyyn grunts in his sleep and rolls over, the moonlight reflecting off his blue skin. I stare at his sleeping form for a moment, trying to take stock of myself. I’m shaking. My pajamas are damp with sweat. I feel cold. I feel sick and empty with fear. I don’t exactly remember what I was dreaming about, but one thought keeps echoing in my mind: Allie. I have to find Allie. 

I slip out of bed as gently as I can while I’m still trembling. I don’t want to wake Varyyn. As I slip into the hall, motion-sensitive lights plugged into the sockets near the floor illuminate my path. My dream is still hazy, but bits and pieces trickle back as I shuffle down the hall with my hand on the wall. I was alone. Allie didn’t exist. It was a timeline that I have all but forgotten, and it felt entirely too real. 

I need to find her. Or at least evidence that she still exists. The door to the nursery is slightly ajar, enough that I can see the soft glow from the lamp on the bedside table. I peek through the crack in the door and relief floods through me. Allie, bundled up in her robe and slippers, sits in the rocking chair with River in her arms, gently rocking back and forth. I exhale slowly. I should go back to bed, but I am not ready to let her out of my sight yet. I start to push open the door. She gasps a little, looking up sharply. 

“Oh, Diego!” She smiles at me, settling back into her chair. “You startled me.” 

“Sorry,” I whisper back. “...Did I wake up River?” 

“No. I just fed her, so she’ll probably be out for an hour or two.” She looks up at me as I come to settle into the armchair across from her. “...What are you doing up?” 

“...Bad dream,” I admit. “...About...about you. I had to come check on you or I was never going to get back to sleep.” 

I half-expect her to joke about me being a creeper watching her while she sleeps, but instead she sighs. “...I kinda know the feeling.” 

“Yeah. I bet you do.” 

“You wanna stay up with me for awhile?” 

“Yeah. But I feel like I should be telling you to get some sleep while you can.” 

“I probably should be sleeping,” she admits. “...But I don’t really want to let her go.” 

There’s not really much I feel like I need to say to that. I understand. I don’t think there’s anyone in this house who doesn’t empathize with that feeling in one way or another. Especially now. 

“...Diego…?” 

“Yeah, Allie?” 

For a long moment, she doesn’t say anything, though her mouth opens and closes a couple times. Then, she swallows and takes a deep breath. 

“...I love you. I love you, and I love Jake, and Raj, and all the Catalysts…” 

“We love you, too, Allie.” 

“...When you imagined me. In that other timeline. When I didn’t come to be until the Island...did you ever imagine my future?” 

I can’t help flinching. Her words feel like a cold pinprick at the top of my spine. “...Allie...I...I don’t really remember that timeline…” 

“I know. I know. But...it happened. It existed. I was once born to be what you needed. What all the Catalysts needed. ...But now...now I have River. Someone new who needs me. She needs me more than any of my Catalysts.” 

“I...I think that’s true,” I say slowly. “...We all love you, and we want you with us. But River is your child. She’s helpless and new. She needs your love and your care and your guidance to survive.” 

“...I’m scared, Diego. I’m scared by how much I love her. I’m scared by how much she needs me.” 

My earlier fear is being replaced with concern that is entirely for my friend.  “...Allie...are you okay? Is this some kind of postpartum depression?” 

“I don’t know what this is, Diego. I know that I love River more than I ever thought I could love anyone alive. I would have torn myself apart for my Catalysts without hesitation. I gave up my existence to give my Catalysts the world. ...But I can’t consider that anymore. Because River needs her mother.” 

“Oh, Allie. That’s not a bad thing. None of us want you to tear yourself apart.” 

“I know. ...But I am afraid of what happens if the world asks for it. ...If I end up at the Threshold again, or a new Raan’losti…” She looks up at me. “...Diego...I think I have to face what’s in the pool shed.” 

I feel my blood run cold. I know what’s in the pool shed. The collection of objects that were left for us in the Crystal dimension when we went to rescue Tahira. Including…

“...Are you sure?” 

She nods. “...It was left for me to find for a reason. I have to touch the Andromeda idol again.” 

[ramblinganthropologist]

MER Week 6 - Pets

Summary: Saren is the cutest little hamster in the world if you ask his owner. However, he is also territorial as fuck and he WILL bite. Grunt’s about to learn that one the hard way. Rule for the wise kid: don’t stick your finger in a hamster’s face.

---

“Shepard.”

“Grunt… hello there.”

Ok… he’d bite. Who brought Grunt up?

Honestly, Alistair was more than a little confused right then. He had expected once they got back to the shuttle that he and the young krogan wouldn’t see much of each other. After all, he was pretty sure he bored Grunt – except for that first time with the gun. Yet there he was, standing in the entrance to his quarters, looking rather uncomfortable.

Was he being punked?

“Still in the elevator, Grunt.”

Bo’s voice called from over his shoulder. Much like a good son would, he shuffled to the side to allow her entrance. Even as large as she was, she was a little on the small side compared to the krogan. That didn’t matter of course – she was well versed in taking them down. It was why she had gone 25-0 in the ring back on Omega.

Well, at least that answered who let him up. Still didn’t answer anything else, mind you. Alistair was left watching as Bo sidled past her son and entered into his quarters. Luckily for him, his sister was direct: whatever was on her mind, he’d hear about it soon enough.

She looked around the room for a second. “Surprised Mandibles isn’t up here. Aren’t you two planning to- “

“He had calibrations to run.” Alistair’s cheeks flushed as he rushed to cut her off. Grunt snickered behind her – asshole. “Anyway, what’s brought you two up here? Everything alright after Tuchanka?”

Nothing like a krogan puberty ritual to get the blood pumping after all. Alistair was going to be having nightmares about that thresher maw for weeks, and that was if he was lucky. On the bright side, he was pretty sure it counted as exposure therapy. That was fine by him; he hadn’t done his therapy homework yet and with his workload he doubted it would happen at all. His therapist was understanding, but she was also a stickler. At least he had something to turn in the next time he saw her.

Much to his surprise, Grunt looked uncomfortable. He shifted from foot to foot, eyes darting around. Dare he say it, but to him he almost looked embarrassed. Apparently, krogan could do that as well as anyone else.

“I could have just looked on the extranet, Shepard…”

Bo shook her head, clearly amused by this. “What’s better than a real-world example? You asked about him anyway.”

She turned back to Alistair. “Grunt wanted to meet Saren after hearing you talk so much about him. Is the little guy awake or do we have to come back later?”

…

“You want to meet Saren?”

His gaze slid from the embarrassed krogan teenager to the wall on the far left. Even before he looked, Alistair had known. He knew the sound of bedding shifting anywhere, practically heard it in his sleep. That alone made him get up and take the trip to what at one time had been an aquarium.

Good thing for him he hated fish – it was perfect to make a hamster enclosure out of.

The theme that month was jungle. Among the scattered green bedding and wood chews, he found a little ball of white sitting next to his food dish, digging through the contents. At the sound of his footsteps, two red eyes focused straight on him, and some food went right into well-adapted cheek pouches.

Saren was a practical hamster like that.

“Hey, little guy.” Alistair smiled as he opened the enclosure and put his hands flat. A few moments later, the hamster was climbing up to rest between his palms, just like they had trained to do. Then he was out, held close as the Spectre returned to his desk. “Someone wants to meet you if that’s ok.”

Saren of course didn’t answer – much as breeding had improved, sentience wasn’t on the list of traits – but his eyes were bright and he seemed calm enough as he sat there, chewing at a seed from his pouch. These were good hamster introduction traits, especially considering who the interested party was.

Grunt didn’t look too impressed though. He gave the hamster a rather blunt look, then glanced over at Bo. When he didn’t get the reaction, he might have been hoping for, it went from pink to red Shepard.

Talk about being in the hot seat.

“Is it supposed to be so small?”

Alistair chuckled as he stroked Saren’s tiny head with his thumb. “Well, the European wild varieties back on earth are much bigger, but they max out at about a foot long. Saren’s a Syrian male, so he’s a fairly decent size all things considered.”

Grunt probably didn’t care about most of that – it wasn’t exactly new. However, his eyes never left the hamster. Saren either hadn’t noticed or didn’t care; he was too busy on chewing away at his seed to pay attention to the krogan. It was a feeling Alistair knew well.

He loved the little guy, but sometimes he ran hot and cold with affection.

“If you want to see him up close, come over slowly. Hamsters are prey animals, so he’s easily spooked.”

Much to his surprise, Grunt listened. He approached the desk slowly, eyes never leaving the small ball of fur in his commanding officer’s hands. He was interested, even if he wasn’t showing it on his face. No surprises there – kids loved hamsters, didn’t matter the species or the fact they were born fully grown and ready to kill. They just did.

“Why did you name it Saren?”

Now Alistair was chuckling again as he watched the hamster continue to chew. “You’re going to have to ask Bo about that, she’s the one who got him for me.”

Bo’s answer came quickly as she observed the introduction. “They said he was a biter and ate a cage mate. Made me think of the real Saren.”

Well, made sense he supposed…

“They eat each other?” Grunt’s tone was definitely more interested with that. Now they were getting somewhere. “That means they fight.”

Alistair nodded as he made sure Saren stayed in his hands. “Yep. They’re fiercely territorial. It’s why you have to house them separately. Hamsters kept together can fight, sometimes to the death even. This little guy had some healed scars when I got him, so he’s been through it. I guess Omega and the Citadel gift shop share husbandry tendencies…”

His voice trailed off. Grunt hadn’t taken his eyes off Saren the entire time he had been talking. There was curiosity there and a raw interest. That made the Spectre smile as he slowly brought his hands within range, eyeing his hamster’s body language the entire time.

“You can say hello if you want, he’s pretty calm right now.”

To his credit, the krogan didn’t retreat. However, there was some definite anxiety there. He briefly glanced back at Bo, and then he returned to keeping his eyes on Saren. Finally, he managed a brief nod and came a little closer.

“Do I just stick my hand out?” A finger got a little too close to Saren. Before Alistair could warn him, the hamster eyed it and did what he always did when someone got into his space without proper caused. Tiny teeth were soon chomped down hard in the classic signs of hamster bite.

It probably wouldn’t hurt a krogan, mind you. They were tough.

“Grunt, don’t pull your hand away. He’ll go with you and he’ll fall.”

The krogan shot Saren a dirty look as he watched the hamster bite down. “That does nothing to me, rodent.”

Saren, naturally, didn’t care. Alistair’s hands were part of his territory. More importantly, Grunt was big and round. Honestly, he wouldn’t have been surprised if the hamster thought he was an overgrown member of his species. Add a little fur, and he could honestly see it. He’d never say that of course – Wrex would hate it.

“He’s just defending what’s his. All he has is his teeth.” Alistair kept his voice level as he gently rubbed the hamster’s head with his thumb. “Come on, buddy, he’s not going to hurt you. You can let go now.”

After a few more moments, Saren let go. He went back to his abandoned seed, but his eyes never left the krogan. Grunt was in a similar mood, eyeing up the hamster with a rather brutal gaze. At least he had the good sense to take his hand back, the offended digit tucked away.

Bo’s voice carried over the chaos. “So… what did you learn, Grunt?”

“Don’t stick my finger in an animal’s face…”

There was a definite sulk to his tone. It was strangely cute, in a weird sort of way. Meanwhile, Alistair was just glad he hadn’t pulled back. Saren may have trusted him, but he would’ve gone for a ride. Then he would’ve had to eject Grunt out the airlock if anything happened.

Was he biased towards his hamster? Absolutely.

“It’s his way of making sure his space is safe. I used to get bit a lot when we were establishing ground rules.” He stood, crossing the room to return Saren to his enclosure in case he was overwhelmed. Much to his surprise, Saren didn’t burrow under the substrate as he often did to hide his food. Instead, he stayed on top, eyeing Grunt. “Huh… how about that.”

Grunt gave Saren the exact same look. “Your hamster’s hungry for battle.”

In another surprise, the krogan smirked. “Shepard was right, Saren is appropriate for a warship.”

Well… there was a stamp of approval he hadn’t seen coming. Maybe pigs would start flying…

Alistair at least managed a nod. “He’s territorial, it’s part of the breed.”

“Don’t sell the little guy short, he took a krogan on full force.” Bo was definitely amused as she surveyed Grunt’s finger. There was a definite scuff there – Saren had left his mark. “Damn, little guy bit down hard. The hell are you feeding him, concrete?”

Oh… just lab block, some seeds, extra protein if the mix didn’t come up right…

“He’s got a nasty bite; I’ll give him that.” And he was also done with the room – Saren was soon digging back under the substrate. “He’ll be out for a while; he has food to hide and some sleep to catch up on.”

His gaze found Grunt soon after. “Well, I hope he lived up to your expectations. If you want to come visit again, just let me know.”

“As long as you don’t try to convert him to the gospel of hamster.”

He made no promises there. Anyone who could be swayed, he would sway. That’s what it meant to have a hamster as cute as Saren.

Still, at least Grunt didn’t seem too upset about the bite as he nodded. Maybe it had taught him not to fuck with small animals -a win in his book. At any rate, it felt as though things were ending.

“I might.” And then he was heading to the door. Soon he was gone, leaving Bo and Alistair alone. As soon as he was out of hearing range, the larger of the two Shepards slumped down on his cough, doing her best not to laugh.

She did alright, but he failed miserably.

“God, that was fucking adorable.” Alistair wiped a tear from his eye as he chuckled. “I mean, apart from when I thought Grunt was going to toss my hamster.”

Bo nodded, snickering a little. “Yeah, he’s been wanting to come up for a while but he couldn’t figure out how to ask you. I agreed to be a buffer after it took him a half hour to spit it out. You might have just converted him to the dark side.”

Apparently, he was a sith now. Just because his face glowed red…

But still. Alistair nodded as he glanced back at the enclosure. He could see Saren’s tail from a gap in the bedding – he was pressed against the glass, no doubt making himself comfortable for a long nap. He’d had a long day after all – he’d just taken on a krogan.

“I think if he’s a little slower next time, they’ll get along just fine. Maybe I’ll give him a couple seeds to try.”

Baby steps, after all. Rome wasn’t built in a day and becoming friends with a hamster was just as detailed and complex. If Grunt put the effort in, he could see them getting along great. Hell, he might even get a new Saren sitter out of it.

He needed one of those. His normal ones went on missions went with him half the time.

“Thanks for letting him try. I knew Saren would be tough enough to handle him, little dude’s from Omega after all.”

Terminus system, born and bred – it was in his DNA. He’d never be as sweet as some hamsters, but that was part of his charm. It made their moments together even more special in his mind, honestly. He’d managed to get an Omega resident to let him pet him – that was a win in his book.

“Just let me know the next time he wants to come up.” Alistair returned to his desk – he still had work to do. “Now, unless you want to work on these reports…”

And just like that, he was alone as Bo beat a quick retreat out the door. He shook his head, chuckling once more as he went back to his reports. Still, he kept an eye on the glass enclosure across from him. Somewhere inside, the toughest hamster Omega ever bred was enjoying his rest. Maybe he was dreaming of fighting krogan, who knew?

One thing was for sure – they had definitely started on Grunt’s conversion to the dark side. Excellent. He had wanted an apprentice one day.

[ye-bloodeh-liar]

I just finished AC Valhalla – A résumé.

I finished the "main story" of Assassin's Creed Valhalla. These are some thoughts of mine. (This was saved in my drafts for two weeks or so. But my stance hasn't altered. Actually, I'm even angrier now.)

Disclaimer: This obviously contains some spoilers here and there. You've been warned, but tbh, who even cares about the story at this point. Also, I know I don't have many followers, and I suspect none of the few that will come across this post will actually be interested in it. That said, if you like reading people's rants about things, regardless of your interest in video games, this might be something for you. I just needed to get this out of my system somewhere. This is a rant (well, vent? I'm venting, I guess) written as it came to my mind. There's no real structure, I think. Sorry for that in advance.

After Origins, which I thoroughly enjoyed and actually played again between Odyssey and Valhalla, and Odyssey, which's name was perfectly fitting since it felt like a fucking odyssey to grind through, I hoped, actually, I was convinced, Valhalla would right Odyssey's wrongs. You see, Odyssey had one big problem for me: It did none of the things that made and still make me love Origins. In short: The world was massive, but felt copied and pasted, uninteresting to explore and lifeless. Basically, it was a lot of green sprinkled with some olive branches. A lot of the times the only way to know roughly where I am was pulling up the map because based on my surroundings, I could've been anywhere. Compared to the intriguing world of Origins, where you always knew in which area of the map you currently were, this was a shitshow. I mean, just walking through the desert in Origins had more atmosphere than the whole city of Athens (the main fucking city) could ever muster up. (Oh, remember the times of AC Brotherhood, where Rome actually felt like a city even though it wasn't actually humongous like the new games are? Or how atmospheric the whole of AC II was? I mean, Venice? Hello? M a s t e r p i e c e) But I can overlook that. The combat didn't feel heavy, or to put it better, "impactful" like it did in Origins, but more like poking the enemies to their deaths with something that made sword-y sounds. But I can overlook that. The loot system improved a bit, in the sense of giving the option to modify your loot and being able to combine different armor pieces, however, Origins outfit-system was more up my alley. But I can overlook that. Funnily enough, compared to its predecessor, Odyssey looked worse. In Origins the fabric of your outfit look like actual fabric and, I can't stress this enough, waved in the wind. In Odyssey everything felt more static and somehow "fake". But I can overlook that. To me, Origins' story was masterfully done. Personally, I'd say, that this is the closest we've ever gotten to the Ezio-Trilogy. The voice acting was top notch. Bayek was a great character, and the side characters like Aya/Amunet were equally intriguing. I still remember the first time I saw the first confession cutscene after killing Medunamun. It gave me shivers and goosebumps and got me excited for what was about to come. What I want to say with this, is that Origins made me care; care about its characters, care about their backstory and motives, care about the world, etc. After I had finished the DLC The Hidden Ones I felt like I had actually witnessed the igniting spark of something epic, namely the Assassin Brotherhood, in such a chilling way, even though they basically were just chillin' in a cave. Because that's what character building gives you: payoffs. Well, Odyssey did none of that. All it did made me care about was to get all the loot, because that's what my mind always goes for in any game (I'm that kind of stupid ape). I didn't care about what would happen in the end – I just wanted to get there. I wanted to know how the story would end, but in whichever way it would, I knew I wouldn't care for it in the sense of being disappointed or yearning for a different outcome for the character I was so invested in, because, as I said, nothing got me invested in the character(s) in the first place. That's what bugged me the most about Odyssey. Not the flimsy feeling combat, not the husk of a world I found myself in, not the downgrade in design and animation, etc., but the lack of care it invoked.

Now, when Valhalla was originally announced, I was excited as I could be for a video game. Ubisoft was clearly aware of their mistakes with Odyssey and tried to show that they're willing to listen to their fanbase. A world where every area has its own identity? Sounds great. Heavy combat? Hell yeah. Gear and loot that actually matters and is special (unlike in Odyssey where after a few hours of playing you find yourself carrying the same fucking bow 25 times)? Oh my. Choices not for the sake of choices, but story? Yes please. I mean, if you have to implement choices. Even though choices don't really make sense in Assassin's Creed, but that's another topic.

Well, did it deliver (for me)? No. And to be completely honest, I prefer Odyssey, even as the grindfest that it is, over Valhalla, and me replaying Odyssey seems a lot more likely to me, than going through all of Valhalla again. I'm not going to list all of the points mentioned above again in full detail: The world is a bit more intriguing than Greece, but a shadow of what Egypt was. The combat feels heavy, yet every weapon looks too big (????) and it still feels a bit off. My biggest grudge of the minor points is actually the look/the graphics: How on earth does Valhalla manage to look less real than Origins? The fur and pelts on the armor, every piece of cloth, i mean just e v e r y t h i n g looks somewhat plasticy (at loss for a better word here; just compare Origins' outfits in motion to Valhalla's) Anyway, let's get to the real problem here, because all boils down to the point I've mentioned before: Invoking care.

This became very apparent to me after forging the fourth (?; was it the fourth? They all blur together. That's how e n t i c i n g they are. Great.) alliance or so. I didn't give a single fuck about the characters in those arcs. It was very clear that they'd be soon replaced by other characters in the next alliance's arc, which I probably wouldn't care for either, especially, since they all felt somewhat the same: empty. Alliances felt like checklists to do. Even Wincestre, which had an interesting beginning, somehow managed to loose all of its "darkness" after the first two quests. But I could overlook the dreary sidequest-like alliance arcs, if they served the main storyline in some way or form. Now you might ask, what main storyline? E x a c t l y. Looking back, there is none. At least not really. And there where a lot of times playing the game where I found myself wondering, if this alliance-arc-thing I was currently dragging myself through was in fact meant to be the actual story. But it shouldn't be. Was it? I have no fucking clue. My conclusion on what Valhalla's main overarching story is, is what follows:

Eivor's parents got killed when he was a child (never seen before lol), got adopted, and is now part of the Raven clan with his "brother" Sigurd//Sigurd comes home from some raid with the Assassins Basim and Hytham//(Eivor gets the Hidden Blade; I mean, this is an Assassin's Creed game. Big moment. Done in 2 seconds.)//Sigurd and Eivor aren't happy with the new King of Norway.//Sigurd and Eivor fuck off to England (with Basim and Hytham) to set camp there.//Eivor starts to forge alliances throughout England to make his clan's hold on England stronger.// Sigurd and Basim do their own thing.//Eivor meets Sigurd and Basim two or three times throughout his alliance forging.//Basim seems a bit off.//Sigurd says that he was told (by Basim?) that he is a descendant of the gods.// Sigurd wants to "pursue his destiny"// (sidenote: the last few things are all within one (!) short cutscene in a small house. d e v e l o p m e n t.)//Sigurd gets captured and tortured and loses his hand.//Eivor rescues Sigurd.// Sigurd is back in the settlement.//Sigurd distrusts Eivor because Eivor doesn't believe Sigurd and Sigurd thinks Eivor wants to take his title as the jarl (jarls are the bosses of settlements).// And then the end sequence hits. This is where I want to go into somewhat detail again. We go from Sigurd distrusts Eivor to "Eivor, I don't wanna be the boss of the town, so I don't hold a grudge anymore, let's go back to Norway and I'll show you I was right all along" like it's nothing. It's literally just that: You walk up to Sigurd, he says this (more or less) and you sail away. Again: development is taken very seriously in this game. Honestly, at this point I didn't even know that this was going to trigger the ending. My genuine thoughts were "Oh my, finally, after all this grinding, the story is going to start." when in reality of course, ironically, it was going to end. Absolute belter. So you sail to Norway with Sigurd, which takes fucking forever, because OF COURSE you have to sail (for everyone who didn't play the game, yes, sail, that means looking at a viking longship while occasionally moving the stick slightly to change its directions slightly) to your original settlement in Norway, for what feels like far too long, only to say Hi to your dad. Fucking lost it. I thought we were going to assassinate the King? Nah bruv let's just have some quick family talk instead. Some action? Nah. Just get back to the longship. A N D S T A R T S A I L I N G A G A I N. Where? Just around the curve of our settlement in Norway. Yes, they pulled the old trick of the ending is literally just right around the corner of your starting position hehe. Absolute belter. Is this to make it seem like something is about to happen? The calm before the storm? It doesn't work like that. Well, then you actually sail through a storm (lol), which doesn't matter, because Sigurd just says "Let's keep going" and, well, you keep going. Also, to this point the weather conditions have never affected neither Eivors health, nor the ship in any way whatsoever, so why should I be impacted by a storm now? Like, it's a nice thing for atmosphere, but at least make the ship harder to steer or something. Then you walk up a mountain. Funnily enough Sigurd walks in manner that shows that the walk against the storm isn't easy, whereas you, hah, you can just yeet yourself up that mountain like nothing. I could sprint up there. Fucking sprint. Anyway, Eivor and Sigurd enter the Isu temple, because of course, we had to throw an Isu temple in there, I mean, i t ' s A s s a s s i n ' s C r e e d. Was it hinted at before in the story? Not really. Were we chasing or searchig for it? Nah, better get that next alliance going. It just suddenly was. Again: development. So we walk to the main platform of the temple and activate the machine and bam we're in Valhalla (because at some point Ubisoft realised that maybe they should include what is literally in the name of the game). Again, were we looking for Valhalla? Like not in the sense that every viking was, but more in the sense

of was it the main objective of the game? Did Eivor look for a way to Valhalla? Was there anything that led us here other than Sigurd having had a few dreams (that only got mentioned, like, twice?) and being influenced into thinking he was a demigod or something? Nope, Eivor was looking for that next alliance to forge. So, Eivor realises that his experience of Valhalla is fake and he wants to get out. But fake-Odin doesn't want to let him go. In a really weird cutscene (jump to 6:30), Eivor eventually escapes Odin and enters a door with his settlement-family (look, I'm all here for metaphors, but this, this is just utter rubbish. It just doesn't make sense, and there is no payoff whatsoever). Odin actually had a build-up of some sort. In every assassination sequence he's there and talks with Eivor. I actually thought there would be some cool payoff/ending/reveal here. But nah, this ain't it chief. Yet somehow, until here, I had hope. I thought maybe now, building on all this confusion, there's gonna be a relatively good ending. Something enticing. Something that made everything somewhat worthwile. And Ubisoft went: Lol nah. So, you're out of the Isu machine again (for all the non-AC-peoples here: basically like the matrix. Eivor gets hooked up to the machine and experiences alternate reality: Valhalla), and Basim is there. What a twist. The guy that showed up like three times and went from friendly in the first time to super suspicious (like glaring-in-your-face-suspicious) in the two-or-so other major cutscenes he was in, has now been revealed as the enemy. Congrats to that. What a twist. The thing is, and this bothers me a lot actually, it could have been anyone there. It didn't need to be Basim. It wouldn't have felt out of place if it wasn't him. Why? Because Ubisoft failed terribly at making you connect to any character and at building any actual story (or character). It could have been Gunnar, the friendly black-smith in our settlement, and it would have been as fitting as Basim. Then Basim says that this is "for his son". Ah yes, the lost son of Basim, which was mentioned once. Right. Eivor defeats Basim by hooking him up on the Isu machine and gets back to the settlement with Sigurd (in my ending at least. There seems to be a possible ending in which Sigurd doesn't come back.) Cut to the modern day, where Layla now knows the coordinates of the Isu temple, goes there, hooks herself up to the machine, becomes the overseer of time with the other overseer of time which already was hanging out there (I mean yeah, great idea, terrible execution. Build it up, then you can have a payoff. This was just straight outta nowhere, and who cared about Layla anyway.) Anyway, meanwhile Basim, who was still hanging on that machine a fuck ton of years later, pops off, and is now living in the modern day. The idea here is, that we lost the hero (Layla) which caused the (just established) vilain (Basim) to do his fuckery in the modern day. But why should I care? Basim was basically nonexistent in the basically nonexistent story and suddendly I should feel sad or shocked, because he's in the modern day? Is this supposed to be intriguing? And yeah, Layla is "gone". Layla, who had no character building over three fucking games. Why should i be bothered? Why should I care about anything that just happened? Remember when a side character (Lucy) died in AC Brotherhood? That was intriguing. Why? Because they built her as a character we (Desmond) trusted, even though it was in the modern day (which no one really cares about in AC). And this is why Valhalla broke me and Odyssey didn't. Valhalla failed to make me care on a much deeper level. It's just a lot of nothingness. Empty characters in a nonexistent story. And by nonexistent, I mean non-built at all. When I play the game now, I have no actual reason, and throughout the game never actually had any actual reason, to continue. It was a chore. I didn't bother if after three hours of grind I would eventually get a mini-snippet of a husk of a story, and neither do I care now. Everything in

this game is so devoid of sparking curiosity and screams of lacklusterness to the point where I don't even know what I have actually expierenced. For fuck's sake Ubisoft, make me care again. At least once in 40 hours.

May I sum up Valhalla's "story" and content in the glorious words of Catherine Tate: Am I bovvered? The answer, sadly, is a holistic no.

[shadowofthelamp]

The Smeetening

This was a kofi commission for @lovelycoris! And the title comes from her tag.

Summary: Zim has been gone for four and a half months, and Dib was not expecting what he found when he got back.

Warnings: Mpreg mention

Wordcount: 1920 

Dib had to admit, when Zim had been gone for four and a half months, he’d figured he was off in space doing training or something like that. Invaders would do that, right? (He’d told Dib he was going to be gone, but not that it was going to be this long, and to be honest, Dib was getting more than a little twitchy. Skool was so boring without Zim, although he had managed to stake the vampires hunting behind the Krazy Taco.) Or maybe he’d be catching up with old alien friends, if he even had any.

Not…. this.

Dib had picked the lock while his EMP shorted out the gnomes. He’d been doing that about twice a month to see if Zim was back yet, but before now there had been nothing. His motion sensors had caught activity twenty minutes ago from the Voot instead of a random squirrel, and he had to know what had taken so long.

There was a lot of noise coming from the living room, but the curtains had been drawn, and honestly, Gir watched so much garbage TV that pretty much anything could be excused until he actually opened the door to see it. He was almost done when the door swung open by itself. He looked up and heard the computer say “-get it.”

With a full visual of the inside of the base, what he saw was quite possibly the furthest thing from ‘normal’. (Man, Zim really had been here long enough to settle a baseline of ‘normal’, hadn’t he? Time flew...) Zim had on a frilly pink apron, but more importantly, he was hovering over several tiny irkens that were crawling around on a blanket. A particularly dark green one was in Zim’s hand, and he was licking their antennae as they squirmed around, making some noise Dib couldn’t quite hear. That was mostly because one with curly antennae was screeching their absolute lungs out, and Dib slapped his hands over his ears.

“Zim, what the hell is going on?” 

Zim looked up, before grinning. “Ah, Dib-human!” He stood up, carefully weaving through the tiny aliens (‘tiny aliens!’ Dib’s brain screamed at him, ‘right in front of you!’) to hold up the one he’d been licking. (Grooming?) “Behold!”

“I’m beholding,” Dib said numbly as he reached up a hand to tentatively hover over them. “Where did you get them?”

“I made them, of course! Hoo boy is that a funny story-”

“You made them?” Dib looked over Zim’s head to see them crawling over each other. “I didn’t even know you could do that.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know, Dib. Secrets of the mighty irken race that I’ve been able to keep secret from your prying-”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re superior and all that.” Dib stepped around him to crouch down in front of them. “So you were pregnant?”

“Eh?”

“Pregnant. Or your partner was, whoever they were.” Dib made a rounded motion over his stomach, freezing when one of the babies grabbed his hand. Zim didn’t start screeching at him to let it go, so he carefully settled on his knees to lift it up, cupping his palms. It made a chirp that sounded almost like it came from an old video game. It was a mixture of clicks and of a ‘pew pew’ sound, and was possibly the best thing he’d heard in his entire life. 

“Yes, I was. I had the smeets a week ago, and here we are!” Zim settled down cross-legged. “That’s Vi in your hand. She’s one of the quiet ones.”

“Hi, Vi,” Dib said as the baby (smeet, Zim had said?) yawned, showing off her gums. “You’re the quiet one, huh? That’s weird, considering your dad.” He looked up. “So who’s the- er, other dad?”

“Other dad?”

“You know, who helped make them? Unless irkens reproduce asexually, which would be pretty weird for a species as advanced as yours. And besides, they all look kind of different.” Dib looked over the smeets on the blanket- except for maybe one, they all had something that distinguished them from Zim, either in color, antennae, or eyes. Zim cleared his throat.

“I don’t see why that should matter, they’re here now.”

Vi squeaked in his hands and turned, reaching out for Zim, and Zim scooped her out of Dib’s hands. “It’s alright, mean stinky Dib won’t hurt you when Zim’s around.”

“Hey, I didn’t do anything!” Dib planted his hands on his hips before there was a tug at his pant leg. Another smeet- this one with eyes that looked frighteningly like Zim’s- had gripped it, staring up at him. “You really made all of these?”

“Why else would they be here?”

“I don’t know, I wouldn’t put it past you to steal a bunch of babies. You’re weirdly maternal when you get in the mood.” Dib carefully picked the smeet up and it cooed happily, making more of the beepy noises. 

“I wouldn’t!” Zim gasped, aghast. “Besides, why would I take this many smeets that weren’t mine? One or two would be perfectly fine, but only I could make nine perfectly healthy ones at one time, thank you!” 

Dib petted at the antennae of the one in his hands, and they kept making happy sounds, so he assumed he was doing something right. “So you had all of them at once? They are pretty small, but- geez, how big even were you?”

“None of your business!” Zim snapped as Dib squinted, trying to mentally shove all nine of the smeets back inside of him. Yeesh, he must have been a complete ball. Dib wished he could have gotten a picture. Now that he was really examining him, though, he could definitely see that Zim looked softer than before. His uniform top was just a bit tighter around the middle, and as Zim shifted, his hips looked larger than usual. Huh. So Zim wasn’t just pulling this out of his ass, he really had…

“Wait, how long even is irken gestation? You were gone for four months and seventeen days, how on Earth-”

“It wasn’t anywhere on Earth,” Zim scoffed. “And it was long enough, obviously.” 

“There wasn’t anyone on Earth, right? Skoodge left a while ago, didn’t he?”

“Yes, he stopped living in my base. That was years ago, Dib, keep up.”

“Ga!” The smeet reached up for Dib’s mouth, curling surprisingly tight fingers around the bottom lip. Dib tried to gently pull it away, but it just clung tighter. As if on cue, two more of the smeets started crawling on top of him, like he was some kind of human jungle gym for them. Zim started snickering.

“It seems that Jash likes you, Dib-worm.”

“Ah tol’ ‘ou- ey!” Jash’s grip tightened as one of his siblings started flicking the buckle on the front of Dib’s boot. The other was just staring up at him and using his pant leg to stand on wobbly legs. They had wide, fascinated eyes, and Dib couldn’t help but feel a little twinge in his chest.

Dammit, why did baby aliens have to be the cutest things ever? He was only a mortal man, and he wasn’t made of stone, no matter how much he tried to remember that they were Zim’s and were thus at least 50% pure hellion.

“Keep this up and I might bring out the freeze ray to make a Dib-statue and let them learn motor skills.” Zim was still grinning, with the smeet with curly antennae had been screaming in his hand. He was running his thumb up their belly and they were making the same happy-noises as Jash had been. Huh, maybe they had just really wanted attention. He knew he’d hate to be one of nine siblings, Gaz was more than enough.

“Hey, one just crawled under the- come on!” Jash grabbed his glasses in an attempt to climb up his face and nearly pulled them off before Dib adjudged them. “What do you want, huh? Huh, little guy?”

Jash lifted his hands up, opening and closing his fist. “You’re already up, what do you- oh, okay, you’re climbing on my face again.” Dib pulled Jash away from his nose before he stuck a hand up it, setting him on top of his head instead. The smeet started batting at his hair lock, and it kind of tickled. 

“I’ll have to clean him,” Zim said, clicking his tongue as he reached under the couch, cheek smushing the tile before pulling one of the smeets out by the scruff of their neck. “That is, unless you’ve improved in your bathing habits since I’ve been gone.”

“Hey, I’m getting better about that! I think!” Dib protested, looking down without turning his head to see that the same smeet as before was still playing with his shoe buckle. “How long are they going to be this size?”

“Eh, ten to fifteen years, give or take a few months?”

If Dib had been drinking something, he would have spat it out. “What?”

“They’ll be speaking within the next few months, of course, and it will be nice to have some intelligent conversation besides you.” Zim was intently watching the group on the blanket, blowing raspberries at a little gaggle of them. They let out high-pitched laughter, especially when he lifted them one at a time to repeat the action directly on their bare bellies.

“Oh, right, Paks probably speed things up, huh? You’re going to have your hands full, though. And I thought Gir was enough. Where is he, anyway?”

“In the lab. He isn’t allowed near the smeets until I can make sure he won’t hurt them. And I can handle anything, I am Zim!” 

“You’ve somehow survived six and a half years on a planet that actively tries to kill you, so you probably can,” Dib admitted. Jash started squeaking, so Dib carefully pulled him off his head and set him down next to the one messing with his boot. After staring at each other a moment, Jash started tugging on their antennae instead, and they began rolling around, pulling at each other’s mouths, arms, and antennae. Their beepy sounds were excited and when they fell apart, they had big baby-grins on their faces. 

Dib scooted a little closer to the blanket, and one with purple eyes stared up at him. Their antennae were curled- maybe they were female? That could be a sex-linked trait, Tak had had curly ones too, hadn’t she?- and they set a hand on his foot before smiling.

Yep, there went his heart. Melted right out of his chest and into a puddle on the orange and red tile.

“I wouldn’t mind babysitting, you know.”

“I told you, I can handle anything! And if you start poking and prodding at them-”

Dib made an ‘X’ over his chest. “Cross my heart, I won’t hurt them. You can even tell the computer to watch to make sure I don’t do anything, but nine is a lot. I can’t imagine irkens raised their kids completely alone. I’m not going to hurt kids.”

Zim narrowed his eyes, but when the one at Dib’s feet chirped up at him, he tapped his chin.

“Perhaps. But I’ll be watching you.”

Dib carefully stroked a hand over the surprisingly flexible antennae of the one at his feet, a smile growing on his face. He knew he was probably signing up for disaster, but hey, what was life without a little chaos? “That’s fair.”

[deamhan-thuaidh]

4 Month Update

Damn, I can't believe it's 4 months already since I started Testogel...

Haven't been updating regularly since I don't use this account so much, but anyway.

I certainly still have no regrets on starting - the difference in my emotional stability is hard to believe, I honestly don't know where I'd be mentally if it wasn't for HRT. Feels like my brain isn't constantly broken anymore, ha. I haven't cried once since starting, not one single time - which, considering the circumstances in life right now, says a lot.

Physically, I feel like there are some changes happening slowly, but I'm a bit frustrated that things still feel so slow - namely a couple of things, which I'll mention in a moment or two. Stuff is happening though, and I guess it's just a waiting game as is to be expected... but I'd like to know if anyone else can say about their own experiences if they've used gel (or even injections too). I know not everyone's transition happens at the same rate, but I still can't help but wonder if stuff is especially slow in my case. Also, I was 26 on Halloween when I first started T, so maybe that also makes things go slower.

Anyway, some stuff I've noticed since the last update:

- definite increase in arm hair. It's thicker, darker and longer than before. Always had a fair bit of arm hair but it definitely is more masculine-looking hair now... I'm hopeful. Not too bad already, and my dad is super hairy and I think I take after him that way. Encouraging enough for now. More also starting to come down the side of my hand.

- leg hair also thicker, darker and longer. More around my knees than before, this part was more bald previously but not anymore.

- eyebrows are now... like twice their original thickness. Makes me wonder where they will end up... and if I'll be squinting through them like an Old English Sheepdog, ha.

- shaved my moustache for the first time! (and cut my upper lip which bled like a mofo) Was still only a pathetic blonde fuzzy thing, but at least there was -something- to shave, hopefully the next time there will be more to shave off.

- my beard hair is definitely less patchy, slowly starting to get mini hairs in the previously blank spots, and the pre-existing hairs get darker.

- little bit more of a jawline, and from certain angles I'm noticing a bit of a decrease in the gods-awful BabyFace syndrome

- more upper-body muscle, even if only slightly... and did a thing recently where I used a hand-mirror and stood with my back to the mirror over the bathroom sink. Was surprised to see that actually from behind I have a bit more latissimus dorsii than I thought, and... I do actually look pretty much like a dude from the back. Not as feminine as I had dreaded, so... that's something.

- more of a snail trail now, the connecting hairs have filled in a bit more.

- also noticed this week... baby chest hairs? still quite fine and not very dense or long, but definitely not just downy fluff.

Things that HAVEN'T really changed noticeably so far...

- Public enemy no.1, aka MY VOICE. FUQ THAT SHIT. Haven't really noticed much of a change there yet, which is... frustrating AF since it's one of the things I'm most dysphoric about by far, and probably the thing that affects public perception of me the most. I don't have a super-high voice, but it's still far too feminine for me.

I know people talk about the so-called "tranny voice" and not wanting to end up with that, but tbh, I'd be ok with it... would still be an improvement on my current voice, plus I don't have feminine voice mannerisms so that wouldn't be too bad.

Also, as a small guy, on one hand I'm a bit dysphoric about my height (I'm 5ft 6, though much of that is tibia, ha...), but on the other hand, a higher-than-average voice wouldn't seem so out of place - whereas if I was a big dude with a high voice, I kinda feel like that would clash more... so in a weird way, there's one small advantage (excuse the pun) to being shorter.

- fat redistribution. Haven't noticed much of that at all yet BUT it is early, and I am aware that is usually something that takes a bit longer to notice, so not too worried yet. Also I'm not exactly heavyset, so there uh, isn't a huge amount to redistribute. I do think that the forbidden-chest-zone IS flatter though, I've always been smaller there and never needed to wear a binder, but now I don't even wear sports bras except on veeeeery rare occasions, so there is a bit of a change there. Hoping for more noticeable changes in the coming months.

Another update... I have top surgery booked for 7th June!!! However, I understand that there may be issues with travel since the UK is still in full lockdown and my surgeon is in Spain, BUT... I know travel for medical reasons is still apparently permitted SO... hopeful, but don't want to get too excited just in case. Will wait and see what happens.

Regarding the voice thing... anyone else notice voice changes later in their transition? I know some people post about voice changes within a few weeks, but anyone notice theirs didn't change until several months down the line?

[rigelmejo]

December Goals Update

Time to round up the stuff I got done! This one is a big update, despite both accomplishments and this january’s goals being quite straightforward this time. ^-^)/

I already know - I ended up focusing on one very specific goal, and made significant progress JUST in that. And... if I do what I am PLANNING for January... then hopefully I’ll make more progress. But lol, we’ll see. We know how much I suck at sticking to my plans >o>

Things accomplished:

Chinese novel chapters read in December: 20 (Tian Ya Ke - 19, aka read about 24% of the novel this past month! This was the big goal I ended up focusing on - I want to finish reading through my first full novel this year! I did a majority of those chapters in the last 2 weeks, so if I get motivated again, I might really reach this goal. We’ll see. I REALLY do want to break the milestone of getting through one complete novel soon, and it being a priest one would be icing on the cake. Reading method - intensively, using Pleco Reader, looking up all unknown words. I picked up a significant amount of words so far, but it’s still a big challenge lol).

Chapters I studied with Listening-Reading Method: 8 (Most of these were Tian Ya Ke, and dmbj 2. I ended up getting really into reading though, and skipping this step later on as it slowed down my reading time. This January, I would like to do l-r method MORE, because I’ve finally got Guardian all prepped to do that novel with it. I’d love to do l-r method all the way through the novel guardian... I hope I manage it... avenuex did a beautiful audiobook for it, and I’d love to work through it. The only demotivating factor? l-r method takes a big time dedication - 5-10 minutes to read a chapter in english, 20 minutes to listen to the chapter while looking at the english text, 20 minutes to listen to the chapter while looking at the chinese text... so around 50 minutes to do a single chapter. And guardian has 106+ chapters ToT. That said, imagine how improved my listening skills would be after roughly 88* hours of listening to chinese I can mostly comprehend? Considering just a handful hours of l-r method has already bumped my listening skills up noticeably to me. In addition to Guardian, I would very much like to do l-r method with Silent Reading as an excuse to re-read the novel and listen to the audiobook - which is around 66 free chapters available at least. I figure l-r method with priest novels, in combo with reading priest novels like Tian Ya Ke, will help with picking up vocabulary in reading and listening a bit. Plus, I plan to do l-r method in the order: listen to english, then listen to chinese, which tends to help me pick up more reading comprehension better than the reverse order.)

Chinese audio listened to: 14 (a surprisingly large number? I don’t remember doing this much lol? I think some of this is me listening to dmbj audios, and some was other chinese things, and a tiny bit was restarting the spoonful chinese audio. Again, I think listening more has been helping out a lot)

shows watched in only chinese: roughly 2 (I watched a bit of a few eps of border town prodigal, some tlt3 raws, some short vids, half of anti fraud league ep 1, half of some spy show, basically i was not in a focused mood lol)

Personal goals met:

finally got my stomach to stop hurting! i guess it wanted less carbs. also debloated 10 lbs so i guess its happier lol. still not sure what else it wants from me.

started writing a personal story, period piece with pirates and bisexual messes and i’m quite excited tbh. So now this story, and Nanase, are active original wips

handled doctor stuff wooh! 

read more of my cpstd book and made more comprehensive plans on what to do when i get emotional flashbacks - and i think the prep work has been really helpful so far, i’m hopeful my lowered stress now is a part of that lol

formatted 2 books! WOOH! in process of formatting 2 more, and learning how the fuck to do a parallel text - anyone know how??? I’m having a nightmare, I’d love to do left page english right page chinese, but all I’m finding are how to use columns to do dual texts beside each other on the same page. Which is much more cramped to read... but I suppose I can live with it if it’s the only option I have.

Goals for January will be pretty straightforward to be honest. I am in a very reading-focused mood. (I mean we’ll see how long that lasts, ToT since my attention jumps randomly, but I’ve got everything Prepped to lean heavy into reading for my studying for the foreseeable future). I plan to focus on reading as my main study method, to cover listening and reading and picking up vocabulary/hanzi. Optionally, I might listen to chinese audio in the background to further help with listening/vocabulary (like Chinese Spoonfed Audio, or audiobooks), or I might watch a show in chinese (whether I do this completely depends on if I feel like it). 

Later on in the year, if reading is getting easier - then long term, I think I’ll want to go back to Alan Hoenig’s Chinese Characters book and read through it for a solid foundation to fill in gaps, read my chinese grammar books for same reason, use my pronunciation app... and then dive into both language exchange apps and tutors more firmly for actual writing and speaking and interacting with others. Basically, long term, I’d like to work on filling in my gaps and correcting any mistakes I haven’t figured out, then work on production more which will be significantly weaker skills by then. But in the immediate, I want to just focus on what I enjoy - reading - and use it to pick up as many words as possible. 

Goals for January:

Continue reading Tian Ya Ke. Work on reading through my first complete novel in chinese. Continue counting chapters read, as I might look at a few novels - but sincerely, I WANT to focus on one book so Tian Ya Ke is the GOAL. I will be quite happy if I can get the book to 50% read by the end of this month, but we’ll see... and quite honestly I’ll be floored if I get to 100% within the month - but if it gets easier as I pick up more words, anything’s possible. Ideally, I would like to l-r method a few chapters. I do think it speeds up my reading speed because it makes me keep up with the narration, and it also helps me cement new words into my memory better. I remember words better when I hear them. However like - chapters tend to take me 40 minutes to read, and l-r method takes usually 15-20 minutes because of how dense priest’s chapters are. So... l-r method chapters take 1 hour a piece... if I get into a reading mood, I’ll ultimately probably just primarily focus on the reading.

Secondary goal, not as important, I will start this if desired but it might wait until February+. Listen-Read Method Guardian, until I’ve gotten through the entire novel. I finally have all the translations gathered up, I’ve got my chinese copy of the novel, and avenuex’s audiobook. I have everything ready to simply start. However, as mentioned, this is a time heavy activity. I do think it will be very helpful for improving my listening skills, and to a degree also - helping retain my reading skills, push my reading speed up a little, and maybe help me pick up some new words. I think it will be a very compatible activity with goal 1, or a nice follow up activity to goal 1. Also it is the DREAM, as that novel is what pushed me to start learning chinese initially... so I am very excited to read through it. Ideally, I start this activity AFTER Tian Ya Ke, and I do a full readthrough of the chapters like: read in english, audio with english, audio with chinese, read intensively in chinese. Basically, I would love to include a full intensive read through of Zhen Hun at the same time I’m l-r method’ing it. However that will be Even more time sapping, so that’s not necessarily gonna happen unless my reading speed for priest novels is a little better after Tian Ya Ke. I need to get through the chapters read in chinese in closer to 20 minutes instead of the current 40 minutes it takes me. 

Optional. Listen to chinese when I can - in the background like Chinese Spoonfed, audio books, audio dramas, and by watching shows in only chinese. If I have time, and I feel like doing these, I will. It’s easy to add doing this to my day, so when I remember to do them, they’re helpful. 

Main Goal for January - continue reading Tian Ya Ke. <3

Once that’s completed, next main goal - Listen-Read Method with Guardian. 

See? Really extremely straightforward goal for January. Simply keep reading! I think the more I read, the easier it will get, the faster it will get, and the quicker I’ll be able to get through a LOT of the novels I want to check out. So... I have to start doing it, if I intend to get better.

Unrelated notes:

I’ve gotten really into Drakengard 3 lately. Which by extension, means really into Nier Automata again, Nier (Nier Replicant remaster is releasing and I am getting the version with the scriptbooks and am intensely excited), and Drakengard. Yoko Taro’s wild concepts and fascinating characterizations and way of telling stories has sucked me in again. And I am reminded how very much eventually learning to read Japanese IS still a long term goal of mine. I’m back to playing like 3 games right now I could so easily be practicing my japanese with... if I remembered any japanese ToT. It’s like at the edges of my brain... I remember the hiragana and katakana after a minute or two... the kanji I’ve completely forgotten, but since I know a lot of the meanings from chinese now, I can often parse out the meaning of sentences in manga I’ve got... I can’t remember the particles off the top of my head or when I listen, but when I read their meaning clicks again fast... I know that when I go back, its just a matter of a crash course and then diving in again. And wow am I eager. But I know myself, and japanese is gonna take a WHILE. And chinese is currently taking a LOT of dedication, I don’t even really have time to work on my french reading lol. So I would really prefer to get at least another year in chinese before even trying to start studying japanese again. (And realistically 2-3 more years of chinese, because I genuinely think a solid basis in speaking skills/basic listening skills, and generally Competent webnovel reading skills I want before I stop actively studying chinese... because by that time I’ll want to keep reading/listening to chinese for pleasure, chatting when needed, and if I stop studying before that point I know I personally will just end up needing to relearn some big chunks. I also think if I try to go back to japanese before that point, I will have major issues confusing the two when reading. My japanese was upper-beginner when I quit, and when I started chinese I sped past that point in chinese to the point pretty quickly chinese blocked out what japanese i knew and it made japanese reading easier but only to a point. My chinese I’d put at ‘beginner’ still?? But compared to my japanese its significantly farther - in chinese I can currently read manhua without a dictionary and get enough to translate most of it myself, and read simpler novels and get most of it, and read more complex novels and get the gist main idea even if its a slog. 

With japanese? Ahahahahahah! I was able to read the very simplest of manga and only get the very bare main idea gist, could NOT even comprehend any novel, and could play a video game on MEMORY of what i knew the context was, only picking out quite basic words. However, even though my chinese has gotten a fair bit further... I want it even further before I stop actively studying it so much. I want it to the point its where my french reading level was at about 2.5 years into french (or honestly, a bit Better than my french was tbh). I want my chinese to be to the point, where I recognize enough hanzi that I can guess the meaning of some new words, that I can look up most new words with with pinyin because i at Least know the pinyin for most hanzi i see, and where in most not-too-difficult webnovels i read, I know enough of the words, that i can comfortably follow the gist of the main plot without too much strain even if i miss details. so at that point, I’ll still likely want to build up my vocabulary more - so that i can learn to translate, and so that i can pick up details easier, and read faster. But I’ll at least be at a point where i can easily maintain the skills i have and improve them a bit naturally by just continuing to read. I mean... realistically even, I should try to keep studying chinese a lot at that point... I really, really want to be able to read chinese novels. But that’s probably the minimum at which I’d feel quite comfortable focusing on another language intensively.

With japanese, I already have a study plan too! A study plan I know works for me! It’ll be so simple! Parts 1-4 would be structured study, parts marked + would be options to move onto, and parts marked * would be activities that could be done concurrently. 

The japanese study plan, whatever year I finally can get to it:

Listen to Japanese Audio Lessons (japaneseaudiolessons.com). I did this before, and it helped my listening comprehension/vocabulary pick up so much.

Read Learn to Read in Japanese Vol I, II, III (by the same people). I loved these books back when I started them, the best mnemonics that I’d found for myself to pick up the kanji - easiest way for me to pick them up without brute forcing it.

(concurrently with above) go through Nukemarines LLJ memrise decks. Literally, just CRAM through those. I did that at the 2+ year mark for japanese, and that was REALLY when I was finally able to start reading and trying video games, so it clearly was what worked for me.

Read my book Read Japanese. Haven’t tried this yet, but it looks like a good place to progress, This would be done after step 1+2, either concurrently with Nukemarine or after Nukemarine depending on how much is done. Just cram Through this book since it’s got a lot of basics in the beginning. Its in the same structure as my DeFrancis Chinese Readers and very well suited to my learning style.

Read my Tuttle Read Japanese book. More difficult, goes into like 2000 kanji, a ton of vocab, and most people who read this said afterward reading regular japanese material was quite doable.

+If my Nukemarine deck is completed - move onto one of my japanese decks with more words, or Clozemaster Japanese sentences.

+If my japanese audio lessons are completed - move onto one of my other japanese audio collections like the japanese pimsleur that was condensed, or that website with a ton of condensed audio of episodes (https://www.paliss.com/). Or youtube channels like Game Gengo (https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLT12i1gB38HG1olutL08nID8gaGWHZS4v). 

+at the point Nukemarine’s deck is done, Listening-Reading method with japanese novels is an option. 

+at the point I’m done with all Read Japanese books, may read through some other japanese textbooks I have, starting with: Japanese Particles and Common Sentence Structures, Kodansha Kanji Learner’s Guide. 

*Find a japanese reader equivalent to Pleco (check subreddit r/learnjapanese, r/refold, r/massimmersionapproach). Start reading whatever japanese novels I want. Which knowing me, will probably be light novels, maybe some visual novels, and video game related materials. *Ideally this step would be done last, but knowing me, it’ll be done whenever i feel like starting - could be attempted as early as midway through the Nukemarine decks.

*Listen to japanese - so many options here, realistically it would be me playing video games in japanese, watching jdramas, watching/listening to spinoff material of stories I like like the YorHa stage plays etc. Can be attempted as early as midway through Nukemarine decks.

*reading manga could be anywhere in this list, although I don’t do it much anymore. But I was just getting to being able to try this last time I was studying japanese, so I could start up again whenever. Only negative, I would say, is I think my improvement suffered back then because I was too scared to try reading actual novels. So novels are prioritized as reading material. It would be nice to help translate some mangas though - so there’s an option.

*maybe try translating some japanese things i have interest in, at a late point.

I think maybe, the biggest thing studying chinese has taught me about how i learn languages, is that I improve faster when challenged. I learn better when challenged. I tried to read Chinese novels from the first few months (not well, but i tried lol), I watched chinese dramas from day one, and I tried to watch chinese shows only in chinese from month 5 onward. From month 5 onward I started trying to talk/write with people (knowing maybe 400 words at first, quickly bumping up to 1000 words in a month cause of just needing it, so it definitely helped me). And when I started listening to audio more, my listening skill noticeably improved within a few months. As a result, my chinese in a little over a year is taking much less time to improve then I projected it was going to (I figured the progress I’ve made so far, was going to take 3-4 years). Whereas with japanese, I didn’t try to start reading or playing video games or listening a lot until 2 years into studying... and I also didn’t make any noticeable improvement until then. So going into any language study moving forward, I’ll do more to challenge myself earlier. Since clearly its helpful to me.

[katherinemallory]

#5 Everyone’s got their own soft spot

Things have got quite complicated... If you want to know how, check it here: #1 #2 #3 #4

I kept shouting his name, but he ignored me. His silver Aston Martin DB10 has quickly disappeared. Great, I thought. I am soaking wet... And Bond seems to know my deepest, darkest secret. This is even worse than being out of active service.

I went up the stairs to my apartment. It turned out that I had difficulties with putting the key into the keyhole as my hands were shaking. I didn't know what I wanted to do, I didn't know anything, I was so overwhelmed. I just dreamed of taking a *really* long bath. A bath so long that it would take a week, and no one could disturb me... But before I took my wet clothes off, I searched my bag, looking for my phone. I checked on Amanda.

“Hello, this is Amanda Clarke speaking.”

It was the first time I've heard her real surname.

“Amanda, it's me, Katherine,” I uttered, feeling that my body was still shaking. Somehow I managed to keep my voice sweet. “It's good to hear you... Is everything alright? You didn't want to talk to me earlier.”

For a while there was no response.

“Yeah... I'm sorry, Kath,” she said like a person who doesn't have any hope left. “I'm really sorry I ruined everything.”

It was simply painful to hear that defeated tone.

“Hey, Amanda, you did ruin nothing. I asked how do *you* feel?”

There was a long moment of silence again.

“Honestly... I don't know anymore,” said Amanda, and then began to cry. “It was a-all my fault! I-I ruin-ned our mission and n-n-now... the whole se-e-ection is endange-e-red... it's-s... a nightmare,” she sobbed. “E-even M didn't spe-eak to me f-f-for long... H-he wa-anted me ou-ut of the-e office as soon a-as we e-e-entered...”

“Listen, it's not that,” I replied. “Surely he was angry, but believe me, not as angry as he could have been... I assume he just didn't expect us to get in trouble,” I kept wandering around my apartment, talking to Amanda as if I wanted to convince both her and myself that nothing serious has happened. “M will get over it soon. He knows the nature of our job. Just give him time,” I added in a single breath.

“T-t-thanks, Kath... it m-mea-ans a lot... and how-w are-e you...?”

I stopped in front of a mirror that was hanging on the wall next to my bedroom’s door. Hair: wet. Clothes: wet. Mood: would punch anyone who'd be standing near.

“Fine,” I sighed, “apart from the fact I just had an argument with Bond.”

“Wh-hat happene-ed??”

As soon as I realized what I've just confessed, I regretted it. From now on I had to be more cautious. No one could know the truth... or perhaps one person could, but definitely not one of the double-0s. And apart from that, Amanda’s got bigger problems on her mind than some pathetic life stories.

“Nevermind... You wouldn't believe me anyway... just some spy stuff.”

...

I took a long bath as I had planned, then changed into my pyjamas and went to bed. I felt like doing absolutely nothing, but there was one thing I couldn't take off my mind.

Despite being pretty angry at him, I tried to call Bond three times. And guess what, every single time my call went to voicemail. I quickly gave up and sent him a message instead:

James, I know you're upset, but we have to talk. I hope you’ll meet me when you're back... please take care of yourself.

KT

I looked at my phone once again (just to make sure that I have sent the message), and felt that my eyelids began to close...

...

I woke up early the next day, even though I did not set the alarm clock. Perfect, I thought just after I have woken up, I don’t have to hurry. It’s going to be a long day and I have plenty of time to prepare myself for it.

I looked at my phone to check if Bond has answered me. As there were still no new messages, I had only one option left: the smart-blood programme.

Hi Q, it’s Kath. Has James landed in Maldives already?

There was a response within a minute.

Hello Kath. I’m sorry, but I promised James that I’d not tell anyone except M. Hope you’ll have a good day.

I glanced over the message a couple of times in disbelief. Mr. Bond pretends not to care anymore... Bastard, I said to myself as I went to the bathroom.

The fact I got suspended from any field operations, didn't necessarily mean that I didn’t have to show up at the MI6 Headquarters - there was plenty of paper work, waiting there for me and Amanda... M didn’t give us any days off (unlike he did with other double-0s), and it felt like a punishment... A punishment we deserved without a doubt.

I wanted to look elegantly that day. Not only because I needed to improve my mood after recent events, but also because of my meeting with Eve. I always liked to dress-up for the meetings with my friends. I was really looking forward to our dinner, as I missed her dearly when I was in Switzerland. And, what is more, it was her whom I wanted to tell everything about my disagreement with Bond.

There was this gossip spreading in the double-0 section that Eve was head over heels in love with Bond, but I didn’t quite believe it. When we all met on my first day after promotion, I got an impression that from the whole double-0 section it was Bond himself who was most convinced of the rumours' genuineness. He assumed that Moneypenny had a huge crush on him, but Eve didn’t seem too worried about Bond taking me on a date. She didn’t try to interrupt him when he was talking to me, and, what is more, she didn’t even seem interested in our conversation. Maybe Eve was a good actress after all, but my instincts told me something weird was going on there.

I have chosen one of my least favourite suits - a bottle green one (I was never a big fan of that colour, but I guess I’ve changed my mind a bit after realizing *someone’s eyes* were green...) - and a white shirt. Simple, but not too classic. Ideal to make a statement, I thought as I took the last sip of my morning cup of Earl Grey.

...

Both me and Amanda were quite busy with all the paper work we had to do that morning, but we didn't complain. We obediently accepted the "punishment", even though it took its toll... After a few hours of intense work, I decided to take Eve for lunch as I had promised her the day before.

I went through the long corridor on the last floor that led to M’s office. It was a lovely, sunny morning and the walls were *radiant* because of the sunshine that was coming through the windows. Even the colour of the door at the end of the corridor appeared to be a bit more brighter that day.

When I came in, M was standing next to Moneypenny’s desk. He was holding a few pieces of paper, probably some important documents, and it looked like he was telling her a story. M stopped talking, and they both looked in my direction. Eve was a bit astonished, but Mallory smiled at me mildly, almost imperceptibly.

“Good morning, sir,” I said, feeling both uncomfortable and excited to have met Mallory unexpectedly. “Hi, Eve.”

“Morning, 002,” replied Mallory. “Did you come here to see me or Miss Moneypenny?”

His voice sounded warm and gentlemanly. I could tell he was in a good mood.

“I came to see Eve, sir. Forgive me, if I’m intruding, I can come back later...”

“No, it’s fine. Miss Moneypenny can take some time off,” he looked at her, and then at his watch. “It’s time for lunch after all.”

“Thank you, sir,” said Eve, then stood up and walked around her desk. "Hi, Katherine," she added, touching my right arm.

M gave us a glance and put his hand on the doorknob. He was just about to go inside his office.

“Oh, sir,” I said shyly, but loud enough for him to notice. “I actually wanted to ask you something...”

“Yes, 002?” he responded as he turned his head towards me.

Damn, today he’s more hot than ever, I thought. He was wearing a very dark (definitely not black) suit, and one of his blue shirts, but I couldn’t take my eyes off his hair. It looked a little different than usual as Mallory was standing in front of the room's window. The sunlight highlighted his receding hairline and made me focus on the colour of his hair. His magnetic green eyes were observing my face, while he was waiting to hear my question. It was a wonderful moment. I wanted it to last forever.

“Katherine, I’ll wait for you outside,” announced Eve and left us alone.

I followed her with my eyes and then looked directly at Mallory. So hot... if only I could... Damn, Kath! Stop it. Don’t forget that he is your supervisor. And you’ve got a question to ask.

“Sir... has 007 reported to you already? Has he landed in Maldives safely?”

Mallory raised his right eyebrow. The questions surprised him.

“No,” he said calmly, “not yet, but I’m sure he’ll do that soon.”

He glanced at me suspiciously.

“Are you really *that* worried about him?” he asked in his most kind manner, putting the documents on Eve’s desk. Then he leaned against the wall next to the door to his office.

“No, sir,” I lied. “But we had an argument yesterday and I wanted to make sure he’s alright.”

“And do you think I know if Bond’s alright better than the man himself? Try to contact him.”

“I tried many times, sir,” I blurted, “but he ignores me... it seems like he has disappeared...”

Mallory was still very polite, but acted indifferent.

“It’s the fate of glass to break... well maybe it’s the fate of spies to just disappear,” he said slowly.

“Perhaps, sir, but he was really furious...”

At first, Mallory seemed like he really tried to understand my point of view. But I was dead sure he wouldn’t agree with me. He looked through the window and sighed while I was still explaining my concerns. The light hit Mallory’s eyes. He interrupted me, sounding semi-friendly.

“002, please behave like a professional,” Mallory instructed me in his deep, dry voice, as he picked up the documents from the table. “Private business between you and Bond is not a concern of mine. Save your energy for your main objective for today. There's plenty of paper work to deal with.”

Harsh. He went from being understanding to uncompromising very quickly. I looked down and blushed.

"I promise we’ll get the work done, sir.”

I noticed him smile as I lifted up my face to meet his eyes.

“Bond will be fine. Don’t worry,” said Mallory dryly. “Is that all...?”

“Yes, sir. Thank you.”

“See you later then, 002. And please remember your lunch with Miss Moneypenny shouldn’t take longer than half an hour.”

...

I agreed to meet Eve outside the MI6 Headquarters, so I took the elevator and went the way down. I couldn’t stop to think about Mallory... I’ve been analyzing the way he spoke to me just a few minutes ago. He sent me a lot of mixed signals. At first he was so understanding, and then he just *had* to remind me of my professionalism... Clearly he wasn’t satisfied with some private stuff going on between me and Bond. And I don't blame M - I can’t imagine myself as the Head of MI6 who has to deal with some conflict, or worse - romance, between my two double-0s...

I went outside and saw Eve, who was wearing a checkered coat and looking more adorable than ever.

“I’m sorry, Eve, I just *had* to talk to M for a while,” I said, being ashamed of myself that I made her wait for me.

“Please, don’t apologize, Kath,” she replied as she took my arm. “Now I’ve got you all for myself. Let’s go!”

“Now we look like a proper couple!” I said, as I turned my head to her and we burst into laughter.

...

We didn’t have unlimited time for our dinner, so we stopped at an Italian restaurant just around the corner. We could have eaten together in one of the cafes in the MI6 building, but we didn’t want to. It was safer to go somewhere more private. Obviously, leaving the SIS building couldn’t guarantee not being eavesdropped by one of your colleagues, but without a doubt it reduced the probability.

“So, Eve, how are you?” I asked, just after we both ordered our meals. “How was the life in the MI6 recently? Tell me everything.”

“Oh, it was nothing special. All the fun has gone together with you!” Eve giggled. “I had a lot of paper work to do, as usual, because nearly the whole double-0 section was away... and Bond kept coming to me and repeatedly asked about your reports to M...” she rested her left hand on the table and placed her head on the hand. “Of course I didn’t inform him of anything. He was convinced that I was aware of the content of the reports, but it’s not true. All the reports always go directly to M. And M forbids me from reading them. I'm sure Bond knows that as a double-0...”

She paused for a moment when the waiter came to our table with her glass of still water.

“And M... he has been quite nervous since you and Amanda left for Geneva...”

She gave me a glance and took a sip from her glass.

“... I don't know why, but he has been kind of irritated all the time,” she continued, looking directly at me. “And it all culminated when the Chief of the Swiss intelligence informed him of the planned kidnapping. It seemed like he was very concerned about that mission. He reacted immediately..."

“Yeah, I noticed his immediate reaction," I laughed, looking at the table. "You probably shouldn’t be telling me that.”

“Yeah, I shouldn’t,” added Eve. “But when you work with him every day...” she hesitated, “... you get a bit tired. It's not because of him, but rather all the stuff that is always going on... It can be really stressful sometimes, and after a few intense weeks in a row you feel exhausted... I have *no idea* how M is still capable of leading this whole organization... those emotions can drive you *crazy* if you let them... at the end of the day you have to vent to someone.”

"I get it," I replied, scratching my right hand. "You can vent to me whenever you feel like venting. I wouldn't want you to go crazy."

"Thanks, Kath. It feels good to know someone cares for your own sanity.”

The waiter came again, this time bringing our dinner.

“Speaking of M,” I trembled, “there is something I *have* to tell you.”

"I'm all ears."

“I know that... we don’t know each other for long, but... you’re the only one I trust with this...”

And I told her *everything*. How I left the double-0 section meeting with Bond, how he confessed his feelings for me, and how he accused me of having a crush on M.

"So, what's your opinion on this?” I asked when I finished the story.

“It’s no big deal,” said Eve. “Everyone’s got their own soft spot.”

“I do not follow you.”

“Oh, Katherine,” she replied. “It’s obvious. You’re Bond’s soft spot. And... it seems like M’s yours.”

I looked her straight in the eye, but quickly moved my sight to the flowers in a little vase that was standing on our table. Eve continued to talk.

“Yeah, I remember exactly what you’ve told me *that* day: ‘I’m not interested in men at my age’... And the look on your face when you left his office... I could tell there was something more in your eyes than just the excitement before the mission. Something more... private,” said Eve, looking at my shocked face. “Then this Christmas present.... and Bond’s jealousy. It all fits together.”

She left me speechless for a while.

“I just... I just hope it’s not too obvious...”

“I have no idea, Kath. But perhaps Bond noticed your behaviour because he’s interested in you,” she speculated. “Do you think he really had his reasons to figure it all out?"

“I’m not sure... but probably yes,” I confessed with a worried look on my face. “I told him how M let me chose my double-0 number, how he reacted to the present... Do you think for Bond it was enough?”

“Judging by the way you stared at M earlier today, I think it might have been enough.”

“Hey, I wasn’t staring at him...”

Eve smirked and started to shake her head.

“Right...” I said. “Thanks for being honest with me, Eve.”

I felt really embarrassed.

“Do you think it’s wrong?” I asked, sounding pretty concerned about my romantic feelings.

“Wrong? There’s always some excitement associated with a love triangle!” quipped Eve.

“No, Eve... I’m serious,” I insisted, while looking at the other tables, making sure no one observed us. Even though we were at some random restaurant, I was scared that there might have been someone from the SIS. “Is... is it wrong that I fell for M?”

She smiled at me mildly.

“No. It’s not wrong,” she assured me. “But you'll have to be very careful with what you do about it. Anything you do right now might make things very much complicated.”

...

After the dinner we came back to the MI6 Headquarters, as we both had a lot to deal with. We said goodbye in the main corridor. Eve left for M’s office and I left for the paper work.

“Thanks so much for listening to me, Eve. I just... I just hope that talking about Bond didn’t bother you...”

“No, it’s perfectly fine. You were right to assume it’s just a stupid rumour.”

“It is?”

“Yeah,” said Eve. “It used to be true, but it’s not true anymore... I have to go, Kath. I’m already three minutes late and M’s going to kill me!” exclaimed Eve, and then gave me a hug. “And don’t worry much. We’ll come up with the solution.”

“Thank you, Eve. You’re the best,” I replied, as I placed my head on her shoulder and returned the hug. I closed my eyes for a moment.

“Miss Moneypenny,” said a male, stern voice, “would you mind coming back to work?”

I opened my eyes and saw Mallory who has just appeared in front of me out of nowhere.

“I’m s-s-sorry, sir... I’m coming,” said Eve quietly.

Mallory didn’t reply and they headed towards the elevator. I watched them until the elevator’s door have closed.

Eve’s such a great person, I thought. What a relief... I’ve told her everything and now I feel a lot better. But should I feel any better...? I’m in the middle of some stupid love triangle and there is nothing to be proud of. It’s not even a triangle since it’s only Bond who is interested in me.

How is it possible what whenever Bond leaves, I miss him dearly, but when he is close I can’t think of anyone else but Mallory? And when I see Mallory I can barely think straight?

Time to get back to work.

***

To be continued.

[jaehyun-eclipsed]

Before I Met You | Seventeen

Updates: Sundays

Pairing: NCT (Jaehyun, Lucas, Mark, Jaemin, Johnny) X Reader/OC

Genre: Romance, Angst, Coming of Age

Summary: Four. There were four people before I fell in love with you… Here are their stories.

Author’s Note: Hi! Thank you so much for reading this far! This is definitely a long read so I am very grateful for your patience and willingness to continue following along with me. With this being the last chapter for Jaemin’s story, Johnny’s story should be starting next Sunday. However, I have a few things going on in the next couple weeks and so Johnny’s story will begin on 8/16. Additionally, if you have any feedback - what you like, what could be improved, etc. - please let me know! I am looking to make this story better! But anyway, without further ado, please enjoy the final installment of Jaemin’s story. 

Before I Met You Masterlist

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“He just went downstairs. Should I do it?”

The hallway window on the other side of the house can be seen from my room. I watch Jaemin’s figure as he rounds the corner and heads downstairs towards the kitchen. 

“It’s up to you,” my dad responds.

“Okay, I’ll call you back.”

I hang up the phone and grab my nearly full water bottle to go down to the kitchen. Booming thunder makes me jump as I grab the doorknob. The sky is gray – gloomy from the intermittent rain all Sunday morning. My heart begins pounding.  

Come on, Y/N, it’s going to be fine. It’s just a question. You’re not even asking him out. You just want to find out how he feels… And if it goes well, THEN maybe we’ll ask him out.

Jaemin is filling up his water bottle. He’s wearing an over-sized t-shirt and basketball shorts and his hair looks a bit disheveled as if he woke up not too long ago. He obviously didn’t have any plans to go out today.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey.”

His gaze drops down to my lower body, scanning up and down my legs. My body freezes halfway to the water dispenser, breath hitching in my throat as I open my mouth to say something. The seconds have slowed down. The individual drops from the occasionally leaky kitchen faucet splash against the sink. The turning of textbook pages echoes from the dining room. My mouth has gone dry.  

Do it.

“I think we should do it this way,” Jia says from the neighboring room.

Never mind, don’t do it.

Jaemin looks right past me and walks away without another word.

I let out a sigh of relief and take a large gulp of water, mentally kicking myself for being such a wimp.

Well so much for that.

“You chickened out,” Dad says immediately upon answering my second call.

“I can’t… I can’t do it,” I say in between laughs. “I couldn’t do it! And also, Jia is downstairs!”

To my surprise, he imitates how the brief exchange occurred exactly.

“Yeah, that’s basically what happened! I said, ‘hi!’ and then I felt my heart pounding in my chest and thought, ‘Just say hey and ask him.’ Then I thought, ‘No! Don’t do it!’” I continue nervously laughing. “This must be terrifying for guys!” I exclaim.

“Yes. That’s why a lot of these things happen. They intend to do it, but fear overcomes them,” he responds.

“Okay, we’ll have to try again later. I thought about going outside to ask him, but he doesn’t have his keys…”

“And be in the rain?”

I pause for a moment. “That sounds so dramatic, but yeah! If he doesn’t have his keys and something goes badly, and I leave first, he’s going to get locked out. Then I’ll have to go out and say, ‘Sorry, didn’t mean for you to get locked out.’”

“Right. ‘Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to lock you out just because you said ‘no,’” he says sarcastically.

“Exactly! Now I’m thinking about how Lucas did it because he was probably like, ‘One, two, three, go!’”

“Right, but he didn’t have to say anything.”

“True, but it still could have been a rejection.”

“That’s true, but it’s still a little bit easier.”

All Lucas had to do was see how I reacted to him taking my hand. Granted, it would’ve been a little bit more difficult for me to turn him down given that grabbing my hand didn’t exactly give me too many options unless I wanted to cause a scene.

A flash of lightning adds a brief hint of silvery blue to the gray sky. Within a few seconds, rain starts pelting against the window.

“It’s raining again,” I eventually remark. “There aren’t many people around, it seems.”

“It seems like it would be a good day to do it then. Few people are around.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s in his room by himself. Do you think this is a good idea?”

“It’s up to you.”

“I honestly have nothing to lose.”

“You’re right. You don’t.”

“And if I don’t ask, then I lose out on ever knowing.”

“Okay, I’m going to get off the phone so that I don’t influence you either way.”

“Wait!”

“Bye!”

“Wait, I –”  

Great, now what do I do? I should just do it. This is ridiculous.

I begin pacing throughout my room and bathroom, occasionally looking in the mirror to repeat words of encouragement to myself.

“You can do this.”

No, you can’t. You can’t do this.  

Oh my God, yes, you can! This is dumb, Y/N. You have nothing to lose.  

Yes, you do. You guys are decent friends now. If you do this and he says ‘no,’ he might not talk to you anymore.  

Oh, who cares? He’s probably moving into an apartment. It’s not like we’re going to talk much next year anyway. I may not even see him.

I look at the clock as a wave of nausea washes over me. It’s fifteen minutes past two.

“Okay, you’re going to do it in five minutes.”

Oh my God, what are you doing?

My breathing increases until I start to hyperventilate. A jumble of panicked and incomplete thoughts runs through my head, quickly jumping from optimism to pessimism in the same sentence. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. He’s going to say – don’t worry about that – maybe he wo – he’s going to say “no.” My heart races and I run into the bathroom, opening the toilet seat as I fear I might actually throw up.  

Holy shit. I didn’t realize that people were actually serious when they say that they’re so nervous they could throw up. They didn’t make that up.  

In a surprising moment of clarity, my facial expression changes to one of displeasure as I am feeling slightly scornful of my behavior. 

What are you freaking out about? It’s nothing.

“Forget it,” I mumble to myself.

I open the door and begin making confident strides towards Jaemin’s room. The soft strumming of a guitar makes me feel somewhat at ease. Okay, he’s not busy. He’s playing the guitar so he’s probably relaxed. Taking a deep breath, I lift my hand and just as my fist is about to come into contact with his door...

Ha! Nope!

I’m light on my toes as I run back to my room. I press my back against my door and slowly slide down until I’m sitting on the floor, huffing as I chastise myself for being so scared.

“Holy shit. Why are you such a chicken?” I say between gritted teeth.

I resume the nervous pacing and mental swearing of how ridiculous the whole situation is. You’ve been preparing for this for two weeks! You’re not even asking him out! You’re just asking him what’s going on! A disappointed sigh escapes my lips as I think back to being so ready to do this and now that it’s finally time, I am chickening out. But in the back of my mind, I know that I’ll really kick myself this summer if I don’t do it. Jaemin and I don’t text as casual friends so the likelihood that we would text during the summer is basically zero.

I want to know.

I have to know.  

I need an ending.  

But what if he says ‘no’?  

Who cares if he says, ‘no’? Frankly, I don’t really care what the answer is. Obviously it would be better if he says ‘yes’, but if he says ‘no,’ at least I’ll know. It will be over and I can move on with my life. He’s probably going to say ‘no’ anyway.  

The thoughts become a bit more demeaning and I begin picturing a pro wrestler screaming profanities at me in an attempt to use reverse psychology to get me to do something.

Y/N, stop being such a wuss. You’re not weak. 

Fuck it.

For the umpteenth time, I open my door and march down the hall. With one last deep breath, I gently knock on the door three times. The sound of the guitar suddenly stops and I wait.  

And wait.

And wait.

What the fuck?

There’s a small voice, almost like someone is saying, “Hello?”

Did he just say, “hello?” to someone possibly knocking on his door? Jaemin, do you expect people to shout through the door? Can’t you just get up and open it?

I cross my arms and frown when I hear the guitar starting up again.

Dude, what the hell? I know you heard me knocking!

Suddenly, the nervousness that so desperately wanted to initiate my flight response has been replaced with annoyance. Perhaps the annoyance is still out of nervousness, but I digress. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy and I had to work up a lot of courage to do it. However, I did not expect to have this obstacle – which is really more of a logistical obstacle than a practical one.

I knock again.  

After another moment, someone begins fumbling around inside and the door is cracked open, revealing a confused Jaemin.  

Finally.

“Uh, hi,” he says.

I forgo the greeting and look at him blankly.

“Did you knock twice?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“I said ‘hello’ like three times.”

What the hell? Who does that?

“Oh, well I didn’t hear you,” I say. 

I ball my hand into a fist, pressing my nails into the flesh to help distract me from my nervousness. “Are you alone?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

“Yeah…” he responds slowly.

I press my lips together. “I need to ask you something.”

“Okay…” he says, waiting expectantly.

“Can I come in for a second?”

“Sure.”

He pulls open the door and I step inside, reaching behind my back with an arm to grab the doorknob and step backwards to use my entire body to push the door closed.

Their room is a mess. A dirty knife balanced on top of an open peanut butter jar, clothes strewn over the bed posts, unmade beds – it’s definitely a boys’ room.

“Um…” I shift my gaze to the floor, knowing he’s watching me, anticipating what I’m going to say – likely something about me confessing my love for him.  

I sigh and swallow my fear.

“So…” I begin, “Have we just been dancing around in circles or… do you actually want to dance with me?”

He looks blankly at me. “What…?”

Jesus.

“Uh – I – I –”

God, I have to clarify?!

I try to rephrase the question without directly mentioning what I’m really trying to ask. Ha. I guess I’m the one dancing around now.

“Have we just been dancing around the issue or…?”

“Um… what are you asking exactly?” he asks, his forehead creasing.

Shit. Do I have to straight up ask you if you like me? I don’t wanna do that. How do you not understand my question?  

“Do you not understand my question?” I ask.  

That was a stupid question.

“No, like… dancing…? What do you mean?” he asks.

“It’s metaphorical,” I remark.  

Seriously, Y/N? “It’s metaphorical?” That’s what you tell him?

“For what?”

For what? What do you mean “for what?” Jaemin, I know you’re not this stupid. You might be slow, but you’re not stupid.

I sigh again. “Um… I don’t know what’s been going on for the past –”

“Oh!” His eyes widen as if he’s suddenly come to the realization of what I’ve been trying to ask. “I thought we were just friends at that point…” he says slowly. “I’m just a friendly person…”

The fuck?

“Oh.” My mouth is agape, trying to process what he just said. “Okay…”

“Yeah, I’m just a friendly guy. So feel free to be friendly…” he says, making nervous hand gestures to the air.  

I feel like I was just hit with a brick. You were just being “friendly,” huh? You really might want to rethink what the definition of “friendly” is.

“Okay, I just needed to know,” I say, my tone level due to shock and inability to comprehend the present scene.

“Okay, yeah, that’s cool.” He presses his lips together and nods to himself a few times. “So I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, sorry,” I say as I grab the door handle and smile with a slightly embarrassed look on my face.

“It’s okay.”

My back slams against my door with a loud thud and my heart is still pounding from the residual adrenaline. I run my hands over my face and let out a loud sigh.  

“I can’t believe I just did that.”

My mind begins replaying the scene over and over again – Jaemin’s facial expressions, his weird hand gestures to defend his stance, his relative calmness despite my clear interrogation. The word “friendly” plays like a broken record.

Friendly? No one does that when they’re just being “friendly.” Jaemin, do I have to throw a dictionary at your head? Friendly means affable... cordial… genial… NICE. Friendly does not mean flirting. Friendly does not mean making sexual innuendos and holding a girl from behind to help her shoot pool. Actually, you work in C++, don’t you, Jaemin? I can put it in code for you!

Friendly == being nice, giving me a stamp to mail a letter that one time because I didn’t have one

Friendly != flirting, thigh touching, anything Jaemin does

There! No, that is obviously not how you write code – because I don’t know how to write code – but I know the equality operators so you should too!

There are a couple things that I am fairly confident of now. First, Jaemin now realizes that I thought that he liked me. And second, even though I didn’t explicitly say anything, he knows I like him. So there goes my dignity.

But both of those things should have been known by him months ago – given his character. He’s smart, quick-witted, and very observant. Or at least, he’s supposed to be – though I’m guessing he was just playing stupid. There’s no way he didn’t know he was flirting.

I send a 911 text to Mark and within five minutes, he’s calling me.

“He said what?!” Mark exclaims.

“He said, ‘I thought we were just friends at that point… I was just being friendly because I’m a friendly guy… So feel free to be friendly.’ And then he did this weird thing with his hands, like pushing them out like he was presenting something.”

“Yo! Why does he sound so defensive? He keeps repeating himself. ‘I was just being friendly.’ ‘I’m a friendly guy.’”

“That didn’t even occur to me. But you’re right. He used that word like four times within twenty seconds.”

“I knew this guy was trash! But he’s totally lying to you.”

The answer doesn’t make any logical sense. It explains absolutely nothing. It can’t explain any of the behavior – staring, offering physics help, asking me for physics help when I’m the one who needs it, teaching me how to play pool, Jeno’s teasing when I was around...

“Because if it were me,” Mark continues, “and I didn’t actually like you, I wouldn’t say it like that. I’d probably say something like, ‘I’m so sorry if my actions came off that way, but I don’t like you like that.’”

Mark makes a good point and it irks me more than I realized. I didn’t get a straightforward “no.” Obviously I can infer what “just being friendly” means. It means “no.”  But why can’t you just say that? If I had received a straight “no,” it still wouldn’t have made any sense and I’d still agree with Mark and think Jaemin was lying. But at least it wouldn’t be an even more confusing excuse.

“But I also wouldn’t be trying to touch you and make dirty jokes either… ‘cause that’d be weird if I didn’t like you.”

I chuckle. “Thank you, Mark. I know I can always count on you to provide some logic.”

“Anytime.”

“I think you’re right though… I don’t believe him either. His answer doesn’t line up with his actions.”

“I’m sorry that happened, Y/N. Are you okay though?”

It’s funny. I was so busy trying to do a bunch of mental gymnastics to figure out the Jaemin puzzle that I hadn’t even thought about my own feelings.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Technically, I got rejected, but I’m not devastated or anything. I guess I’m just irritated and confused. It’s like when you’re doing a jigsaw puzzle and you have one more piece, but you happened to get one of the defective puzzles so the last piece doesn’t fit.”

“Yeah… I just wanted to check. I know you’re not that outwardly emotional, but I know that doesn’t mean you don’t experience them. But still, I’d be mad if I were you.”

“Well, if there was any possibility of Jaemin and me remaining friends during the rest of college, I think I just threw that out the window,” I say with a nervous laugh.

“He doesn’t deserve your friendship anyway,” Mark responds bitterly. “Didn’t you say that Jeno defended you or something?”

“Um, I could only assume he was.”

“Do you think that Jeno might like you?”

Jeno’s voice rings through my ears. From the time he sounded like he confronted Jaemin to that warning when I was writing a letter in the next room.

“Are you just leading her on? She’s a nice girl, Jaemin.”

“You know that she’s right over there, right?”

“It – it crossed my mind, but I didn’t really consider it too seriously.”

“Why else would he bother defending you if he didn’t?”

“Because he disagrees with his roommate’s sense of morality?” I ask half-sarcastically.

“Ha!” Mark begins laughing. “You really think he thinks about that?”

“Hey! I think about that kind of stuff!”

“Yeah, but most people aren’t you, Y/N! And you still chose to hang out with the guy even though you knew he had a girlfriend.”

I put my hands up in defense even though Mark can’t see me. “In my defense, I was not the one doing anything.”

“My point is, it’s an iffy line. But anyway, that would also explain the staring. Maybe he likes you, but he knows you and Jaemin like each other, so he’s not going to do anything. But if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t have said any that stuff anyway.”

Jeno’s purpose for staring at me was still a mystery. My instinct was telling me that Mark might be right, but I’ll never find out.

Well, I suppose I could ask Jeno, but I’m not about to put myself through that again.

It’s times like these where I wish I could read minds. I want to know what both of them have been thinking. But I know one thing for sure: Jaemin won’t be forgetting me any time soon.  

I just hope I don’t get written off as a psychopath like Jisu. While I didn’t sit outside his room to wait to talk to him, what I did wasn’t exactly any better. Granted, I’m not his ex.

“Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I misread his –”

“No, no, I’m cutting you off right there,” Mark interjects. “There’s no way you misread any of that. And didn’t he like you before you had any real interest in him? You only started to like him because of what he was doing.”

“Hm, you’re right. I didn’t have any feelings at the beginning. Nothing to cloud my mind.”

“Trust yourself, Y/N. I know your intuition is top notch.”

For the next few days, I was wracking my brain, going over the problem many times from many different perspectives to see if any of them could make a logical and coherent story. Unfortunately, they didn’t. I hadn’t run into Jaemin since my little confrontation, but I also hadn’t been spending as much time downstairs studying, choosing to stay in my room at night.

Jaemin was actively avoiding me. I’d seen him on the edge of campus a couple times and each time, he’d realize I was there and walk to the next block to cross the street instead. My best guess is that he’s embarrassed, which is understandable. There’s no doubt that any future interaction with him is going to be awkward. I certainly feel awkward at the prospect of even having to say hi to him, but surprisingly, my dignity is pretty intact.

As soon as Jaemin gave me his answer, I just dropped him. I stopped trying to listen in on his conversations. I stopped trying to be in places where he would conveniently see me. I just stopped because there was no reason to put in anymore effort. He gave me his answer and even though it didn’t make any sense, that was that. There was nothing else left to do. It was done.

After a week of evading every possible chance to run into me, Jaemin started waving to greet me again. He wouldn’t come up to talk to me, but he wasn’t going out of his way to avoid me either.

Finals were approaching and I returned to my normal spot in the dining room. And just when I thought I could live my life peacefully with the bare minimum for interacting, Jaemin decides to throw in another wrench.  

Jaemin is talking to one of the other residents when I walk into the kitchen to get some water. He looks at me and waves. I offer him a polite nod in return.  

“Did you watch?”

I jump in surprise upon realizing Jaemin is talking to me.

Watch? Watch what? Oh… He’s talking about The Flash.

“Oh. No, I haven’t.”

“You find out his secret identity.”

“Oh! Who is it?”

“I’m not going to tell you!”

“Fine, I’ll just go online and read about it.”

“What the…?” he says in disbelief.  

“I gotta study for chemistry! Barry can wait!”

He exchanges a few more words with the other resident and then walks over to me. “You have to watch the episode. It’s the best one of the season!”

Oh so we’re cool now? And you’re just going to act like nothing happened?

“I’ll see about checking it out later. I gotta finish up some things first.”

He nods in agreement and before stepping out of the room he says, “Yeah, me too. But let me know when you watch it. I wanna know what you think!”

There’s a weird expression on my face as I watch him leave. I knew we weren’t going to be friends and honestly, if he decided never to talk to me ever again, I probably wouldn’t have cared. Leaving it at a polite wave would’ve been fine! In fact, saying nothing is much easier! And now he wants to act like nothing happened and essentially gave me an invitation to start up another conversation with him. Jaemin! Make up your mind!

I stand alone in my room; it’s bare, with the exception of the provided furnishings. Jia had moved out a day earlier after finishing her finals. A nostalgic sigh falls from my lips as I reflect on the year. Despite it not having the ending I wanted, it was good. I had started to feel a little more comfortable being away from home, classes were better, I made more friends, and to top it all off, I was a lot more confident than I thought.

After checking for any last items, I slowly close my door for the final time of my sophomore year. A small smile creeps onto my face as I walk down the hall, still grateful for the experiences I had in this house. At the very least, Jaemin’s story will be a good one for the books.

Right as I walk by Jaemin’s room, the door flies open and Jaemin is standing there in the doorway. I casually greet him and continue on my way to my car. He returns my greeting and I hear him shut his door and start to follow me down the stairs.

You’ve got to be kidding me.  

I look up at the ceiling and roll my eyes.

Whoever you are up there, what are you doing? What kind of fucking timing is this?

In an effort to break the very likely awkward silence as we walk down the stairs, I decide to say something of no consequence. 

“You have a final?” I ask over my shoulder.

“Yeah,” he responds. “Are you finished with finals?” 

“Yeah, I’m actually moving out right now.”

“Oh, are you going home?”

“No, I’m going home on Sunday.”

“Oh, so where are you moving to?”

And you care… why?

“Uh…” I hesitate. “Do you mean next year?”

“No, where are you moving into now?”

“Oh! I’m going to a relative’s house right now.”

“Oh okay.” He turns to head in the other direction, but looks over his shoulder and offers a small smile. “I’ll see you later.”  

Seriously? I wasn’t going to say anything to you before leaving and just my luck, we walk out together.  

I had waited and planned in order to get my defined ending so that I could finally stop. Except it wasn’t defined. It was the exact opposite and I didn’t really believe him. And as I watch him walk towards campus, I realize how bittersweet the ending actually is.  

Jaemin was my last goodbye of my sophomore year.

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Before I Met You Masterlist Masterlist

[aire101]

Ferrum Chapter 5

LINK TO FIC MASTER POST

A/N:  Well, I'm definitely not winning Nanowrimo again this year, but I did get a chapter out earlier than previously, and hopefully I'll be updating again soon. Also, this chapter I attempted to briefly show different perspectives on the game being cleared, and both were based on what my own feelings would have been at two different points in my life, so don't come at me about it please. Take care of yourselves, and I hope you enjoy the chapter.

---

The Town of Beginnings had changed remarkably from three weeks ago.  Sure, the buildings and streets were all the same, but the mood and tension in the air hung like a thick blanket over nearly every person within the walls.  In sharp contrast, the NPC’s on the street continued to merrily hawk their wares and interact with those in the street, most of whom seemed to be ‘out of towners’ like themselves.  From windows above, you could occasionally see a face peering down before a drape would be pulled closed again.

All in all, it was distinctly unsettling, but exactly what Tony had expected.

“I knew some would hole up in the starter town, but this is a bit more intense than I imagined,” said Peter, as they made their way towards an inn.

“Kid, almost two thousands people have died since this game began—two out of every ten people who started.  In all honestly, I’m surprised how many of us have hit the ground running,” said Tony.

“I know, but turning into a complete shut-in seems a bit extreme.  Its not like anything is going to attack you within the city’s Safe Zone…”

“You say that, but that assumption is born from an inherent trust of the system.  A system that has already been previously hijacked and altered to trap us all here on the whim of a asshole with a god complex.  Considering that, who do you really think is crazy?  The ones who can’t bring themselves to trust the system to protect them, or the ones who do?” asked Tony.

“I guess when you put it that way, I see your point.  But still, we’re probably going to be here for a while.  Are they just planning on staying in one room for the next however many years?”

“I imagine some of them will eventually venture out and find their own niche in the world, even if it isn’t battling the local mobs.  Some will start fishing, or hunting, mining, cooking… the skill list for the game is extensive.  Some entrepreneurs will probably start opening player run businesses and establishments.  But I doubt we’ll see much of that until the Level One Floor Boss is found and cleared.  These people are stuck in the dark without a light, believing the system is rigged against them.  They need to see proof of what’s possible, a light to guide them forward, before we’ll see any real progress here.  And even then, there will still be some who never go further than the walls of this city,” said Tony.  “The amount of specialized therapy everyone in this game will need afterward is going to make some psychologists rich.”

Ahead of them, Tony saw a sign for an inn and turned to Peter.

“You can go ahead and get us set up for the night.  I’m going to go and find a tool shop and a smithy, see if I can add a durability upgrade.  Do you need anything while I’m out?” asked Tony.

“Um… Maybe some more potions.  I used the last one back in the West forest.  Though god those things taste like dirty socks,” said Peter, checking his inventory.

“You know, if you stopped doing dumb crap like jumping between me and attacks you wouldn’t have this problem,” said Tony, with a dry tone and a distinctly unsympathetic expression.

“What’s the point of having each other’s back if I don’t guard it?” said Peter, completely unrepentant.

Tony threw up his hands as he turned and walked away, calling over his shoulder, “Potions it is!”

He didn’t have to look back, he could feel the boy’s eyes roll into his head.

As Tony worked his way towards the central market, he took in the graystone streets and buildings with ornate windows and battlements.  Every so often he would come across small barren plazas with lovely fountains and flora, nearly empty cafes and brightly colored vendor stalls. Even an occasional vista located just perfectly to allow someone a majestic view of the city and the surrounding area. Tony sighed, thinking of what could have been for this city that many had spent years of their lives developing.

The Town of Beginnings would have been a beautiful city without the miasma of despair that clung to its inhabitants.

It got him to wondering exactly what had come of his AIs, the ones Argus had requested.  He had almost had one completely coded at the time of their last meeting.  She had been a sweet one.  But since he had woken in the game, he had seen no sign of her.  Did they end up including her in the Cardinal System at all?

Maybe he should start poking around the GM user panel in earnest, see what he could find out.  So far, he had mostly kept away from delving into it, afraid of catching Kayaba’s attention.  But if there was something he could do to help, he would damn well try.  

Up ahead he saw a sign advertising a blacksmith and item vendor.  Eventually he wanted to try and open a smithy himself.  Peter seemed set on throwing himself into harms way (per usual), and if he was going to do that, Tony wanted to make sure he had the best equipment available to do so.  So Tony started learning how to do what he did best— make weapons and armor.

But to do that required a blacksmith’s forge and anvil.  And to get that required a hefty amount of Cor.  So for now, he rented an NPC blacksmith’s resources every now and then in order to improve and repair their equipment.

A bell jingled as he opened the door, undoubtedly triggering the customary NPC interaction.

“Welcome to Varden’s Smith and Sundry!  How may I help you today?” called the man behind the counter.

“I would like to buy potions,” said Tony.

“What quantities would you like?”

“Ten.”

“That will be 1,500 Cor.”

“Ugh…” Tony broke the script to groan.  He didn’t begrudge the purchase, far from it.  But seriously, the kid needed to stop getting hit in the first place.  His heart really couldn’t take this, and neither could their pocket book.

Who would have guessed he’d finally learn the concept of budgeting in his fifties?  And boy did it suck.

Tony opened up his inventory, removing the required amount to place on the counter.  As soon as it hit the counter, the bag of Cor flashed and disappeared.

“Thank you for your purchase!  Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Yes, I’d like to rent your forge,” said Tony.

“Ah, yes!  Come!  Follow me this way…”

—

As Peter entered the inn, he glanced around the first floor tavern where various parties sat around rough hewn tables over pub fare and pints.  At the bar, several others sat, conversing casually, though a little less intimately than those at the lower tables.  Making a decision, he approached the bar.

“What can I getcha?” asked the barman as Peter sat.

“Whatever today’s special is and a pint,” said Peter, setting the typical meal cost in Cor down on the counter.

The barman nodded, accepting the payment and placing a full pint down in front of Peter before turning to finish the task.

As he waited, Peter took sips of his drink and listened in on the conversations around him.

“Word is they’ve finally found the entrance to the dungeon, as well as a new town relatively close to it called Tolbana.  Hopefully within the next week or two they’ll find the boss and the first floor will be cleared,” said a woman to his left.

The girl sitting on the other side of her shook her head.  “But how many more will die clearing it out?  There’s already almost 2,000 names crossed out in the Monument of Life in the Black Palace.”

“What else are we supposed to do?  We either die trying to get out or die of old age stuck in a virtual world.”

“Would that really be the worst thing, though?  In the real world I’m in constant pain from my condition, some days I can’t even make it out of bed for more than the absolute necessities.  Here I can live without that.”

The woman next to him sighed, “I’m sorry for that, and I understand why you would consider the option of living within the system.  But some of us can’t.  When I dove, I told my husband it would only be for a couple of hours, then we could take our five year old son to the park.  They’re waiting on me to return.  I want to be able to see my child grow up.  So its a risk I have to take.”

The other girl nodded, “I get it.”

It was at that point the barman set a plate of what looked and smelled like chicken and roasted squash in front of him.  Peter thanked the man and began to eat.

“God that looks good…” said the girl a couple seats down.  “I haven’t eaten a proper meal in a couple days.  The black bread is cheaper, though its dry and doesn’t last very long.”

“You really should try and go hunting.  You’ll never make enough Cor or skill points to survive comfortably unless you do.  Even if its just around this area,” said the other woman.  “Going hungry for the next few years would be pretty miserable.”

“Sorry if I’m intruding,” said Peter, “but I’ve been curious about something— how often and how quickly do you get hungry in here?”

“Well, I haven’t really left the city, so I don’t make much Cor to buy food with,” said the girl.  “So I kind of just stay hungry throughout most of the day.”

“When I’m leveling I tend to press through instead of stopping to eat,” said the woman, “But when I am eating regularly, I’d say I start feeling hunger similar to how I would in the real world, about every four to six hours.  But I’m not sure if its tied to our real world feelings of hunger or a virtual schedule.”

“Might be a little of both… I tend to get hungry a lot in RL, but in here its spaced out a bit more,” said Peter, taking a bite of chicken.  

Out of the corner of his eye he could see the girl still looking wistfully at his food.  

“Sir, I’d like to order a second plate, but give it to her,” said Peter, nodding in her direction.

As the barman nodded and walked off, the girl started waving her hands.

“No, you shouldn’t do that.  Save your Cor—”

“It’s alright, I promise.  I’m in here with—”

Shit.  What should he call Tony?

“…Imagine being stuck in here with your dad.”

“Er— my sort of Dad, and we’ve been doing pretty good with the mobs.  So I can afford it.”

She looked for a moment like she was thinking of arguing still, until the plate was set in front of her.  She eyed the food before her eyes teared up a bit, and she nodded.

“Thank you.  I really appreciate your kindness.”

“It’s not a problem.  I’d do the same in the real world.  And what I would do there is what I should do in here,” said Peter.

“Those are wise words,” said the woman.  “And you are uncommonly kind.  I hope you are able to keep that, but don’t expect everyone in here to share your mindset.”

“I won’t, but just because others choose to not do the right thing doesn’t mean I have to.  We all have the power and responsibility to choose to do good,” said Peter, and he felt the intangible feeling within him that he had been wrestling with since the beginning calm.

It wasn’t that the responsibility was no longer his without his powers, it was that the power and responsibility was everyone’s.  

Perhaps it always had been.

And just like in the real world, there were those who used their power for good, those who used power for evil, and those that never used their power at all.  Most thinking they had none, just like the girl a couple seats down.

But if they worked together…

Peter felt his resolve form.

He was going to the front line.

—

As Tony stepped back out onto the street, he considered his options.

Obviously he needed to head back to the inn.  Afterward they could probably head out and take a look around town, seeing as they hadn’t really done so on day one.

But the memory of a café he had passed was singing its song…

He really missed coffee.

Surely they had some digital variation in this game.  If not he was lodging a complaint.

The café was just as vacant as when he passed earlier.  There were a couple people sitting at a table outside, but was otherwise empty of players.

The customary tinkle of the door as he entered prompted the NPC barista to smile and wave.  On the wall behind the counter was a blackboard with various items written— sandwiches and what Tony suspected were types of teas, and in a bottom corner there was a selection of drinks called ‘Kaf.’

“Bingo!  I’ll have a black kaf,” Tony looked at the pastries on display off to the side, spying a familiar donut shape with pink frosting, “And one of whatever you call this.”

A minute later he was sitting at a table out front, facing away from the two other patrons with his visor moved, taking a drink of the weirdest tasting ‘coffee’ he had ever tasted.  If he had to describe it he would say it was more like a tea, with floral and berry notes and a touch of honey, but with a darker color and consistency of a french press coffee.  It wasn’t bad, it just was not what he had been expecting.

Oh well, the donut was a perfect reproduction of a strawberry frosted Dunkin Donut.

“Man, if I make it out of this alive my wife is going to kill me.  She’s been super anxious since the Blip— not that I blame her, you know— and this whole thing was definitely not something she was very confident in to begin with,” said one of the men sitting at the nearby table.

“Damn… you were one of the ones caught up in that?  I lucked out I guess… I’m not really close to anyone and the ones I am were spared,” replied the other.

“Yeah, I know the Avengers ended up saving everyone in the end and I’m thankful for that obviously, but everything is still such a damn dumpster fire.”

That caught Tony’s attention.

The Blip?  Bit of an odd name for an Avenger’s battle.  How were the Avengers even a thing?  Last time he checked Rogers and his merry men and women were still considered war criminals at large.  The ‘Avengers’ consisted of himself, Vision and Rhodey.

“No joke.  Almost every economy is still tanked at the moment.  And I’m pretty sure half of upper New York State is a crater.  Glad that fight was over there and not in my part of the world.”

The bottom of Tony’s stomach dropped out at those words.  

“There was a battle… you won, but you took a lot of damage.  You’ve been in a coma ever since.”

Peter had never said anything else about the battle, and Tony hadn’t pressed.  But if a giant chunk of the state had been completely destroyed because of the battle surely he would have mentioned that?

Wouldn’t he?

Obviously a lot more happened in that battle than Peter had led him to believe.  Tony eventually being taken out of commission in a fight was one thing, but from the sound of things this was on par with the Battle of Sokovia.

So why hadn’t Peter mentioned it?

“It was good to catch up, we’ll have to do this again when I’m back this direction.  Or maybe on another floor if the rumors of the first floor dungeon door being found are true,” said the first man, standing up.

“Sounds good to me, though I’ll probably be pretty busy soon.  Some of us around here have started organizing to try and provide resources for the people here in town.  Some of them are players who don’t want to chance dying in the game, but there’s also some kids who are way younger than what the minimum play age was supposed to be.  A few volunteers have taken up residence with them in a church in town and we’ve been supplying them with food…” said the other man, as they both walked away.

Damn… that wasn’t something he had thought about, but of course there would be kids who either snuck in on a parent’s account or who were allowed to lie about their age to play the game.  Jokes about eight year olds talking crap on Call of Duty were a dime a dozen and everyone laughed about it, but here…

Maybe he should look into that, see what help he could offer.  Though unlike in the real world, simply throwing his money at the problem couldn’t fix it.  Mostly because he didn’t have any money.  Ugh…

Speaking of kids though, he’d need to decide what to say once he got back to his kid at the inn.  

Tony took a few deep breaths, trying to loosen up the hold his anxiety had started to take.  

Obviously whatever had happened had been huge— Avengers assembled (with or without Rogers and co?), massive property damage, Iron Man out of commission, every country feeling the economic backlash.  But unlike what had happened with Sokovia, despite the damages it seemed like the general public opinion after the fact was positive…?  

That was unusual.

Most importantly at this point, whatever had happened had affected people across the globe, but especially one young man from Queens.

Had he been at the battle?  Tony had initially offered the kid a spot after the whole vulture debacle, but after he had actually slept on it a few hours (the first time he’d slept properly in a few days) he had come to the realization that Peter turning the position down had saved them from what had been an awful idea in the first place.  And that was BEFORE May Parker had shown up at the complex in an unholy righteous fury.

So Tony could not imagine having called Peter into a fight, and if it had taken place at the compound like he suspected, Peter shouldn’t have been anywhere near there.

He wanted to go back to the inn and wrangle the details out of Peter.  Who was the fight against?  What was it about?  Was Rogers there?  If so, how was Rogers involved?  Why was public opinion seemingly in their favor for once?  Had anyone other than him been hurt?

Oh god… What if something had happened to Pepper…

No.  Peter would have told him that.  He wouldn’t lie to him about Pepper, and he had told him weeks ago that she was fine.  She was safe.

Tony dropped his head into his hand.

He wanted to ask all those questions, needed those answers…

But even if he got his answers, what could he do about any of it?

And was it worth potentially driving Peter away from him?  His kid.  The only person he knew and could dare to trust with the truth of his identity in this world?

No.  No it wasn’t.

He would just have to see what he could find out from others.  And hopefully Peter would eventually come around and open up about what had happened.  He trusted the kid with his life, he would trust him in this, too.

The walk back to the inn seemed much quicker than the one to smithy due to Tony’s preoccupied mind and nerves.  He was still unsure what to say when he got to the room.  He needn’t have worried though, because Peter fixed that problem.

“I want to start fighting on the front line.  I’m heading to the dungeon tomorrow.”

“Wait— excuse me, what?”

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 273 - “Hey so I’m garbage”

“Hey so I’m garbage

I’m talking to someone didn’t know how to bring it up and/or wanted to wait until holidays were over but then I would ruin your damn year already if I wait so fuck it.  I’m sorry, could have handled it way better but I guess that’s just classic ------”

That’s the message I received last night.

That’s the message I received after he apologized 5 weeks ago and said that he handled ending things with us poorly and that I deserved better and even during the years we were together that I deserved better.  “You meant a lot to me, maybe I wasn’t the best at articulating that or showing it but you’re really all I had. A job and you, unfortunately I focused more on the job and im sorry for that” were his actual words.

He also hit me with the “you’re an amazing person... and you deserve someone that will smother you in the affection and attention you deserve.  I’m the one that failed you.”

He said he had a lot of things to work on.

Well he has apparently miraculously fixed all of the issues he had within 5 weeks because he’s dating someone new.  So all of the things he couldn’t or wouldn’t do for or with me-- and the basic boyfriend-in-a-relationship things that he fought against doing constantly- I guess those have magically sorted and he’s ready to move on.

That’s sarcasm and very unlikely- but what’s more realistic is that he intentionally treated me the way he did because he could.  And he continued to do it because he wanted to and he knew I would pretend it was fine.  And he didn’t show me respect throughout most of our relationship, and he’s continuing to treat me like that now as well.  Maybe it made him feel powerful and in charge.  I don’t know.  I’ll never know.  It sounds to me like he lied to me about everything he said in his apology and probably only brought that stuff up because he was talking to someone new and wanted to clear his conscience of whatever microscopic amount of "guilt” he was feeling.

He has done a stupendous job of finding unexpected and creative ways to hurt me, put me down, and make me feel worthless.  But last night took the fucking cake.  No, honestly, that even beat his “It’s not working out. We should move on.” text back in March on Day 1.

“It’s not working out.  We should move on.” after 5 years and 2 months.  In the months leading up to it, there was no Christmas present, no anniversary acknowledgement, no Valentine, and no idea as to why I was hurt by any of that...  Then he blessed me with the breakup initiation via text.

Some people are trash and I get that.  But how did I allow myself to date one of them for 5 years?  Someone close to me told me that I shouldn’t let him control how I’m feeling- but that it made sense that I was feeling this way and that it’s the same way people in abusive relationships still have emotional connections to their abusers and have a hard time getting past things even though they’re in a better situation away from the abuser.  That’s the closest thing I can compare this to.  Don’t get it twisted-- there was never any physical abuse, but emotionally... it’s the worst I’ve ever been treated by anyone.

He’s an asshole, so of course he dropped that on me last night, when he knows I’m still celebrating and enjoying Christmas.  And I was.  In fact, I was enjoying it and not stressed about him at all because we’d been talking again recently and while it wasn’t with the intention of leading into another relationship- it was nice to have that gap in my heart temporarily filled during this time of year.  But he couldn’t wait until January- when nothing of significance was happening, when I’d be able to take my time and process things and work my way through this heartache all over again.  Nope, that fucker made sure that he hit me when and where it would hurt the absolute most.  I suppose at least he didn’t do it right before actual Christmas, and he probably expects me to be grateful to him for that.  Of course.

Last night when I read his messages, my entire body felt like it was on fire and my eyes started to swell up, and that sensation spread across my whole face.  I was with my family so I fought to hold in the tears and sniffles.  I stopped the Christmas movie that I was watching because I don’t want this to be the feeling I associate with it the next time I watch it.  I put on Avengers Endgame because that’s my “make me feel better” movie.  Not sure why- but it usually works, at least a little.  I cried.  I stared at the message and kept opening it to read it over and over again.  I wondered why he wanted to do this to me now.  Weren’t we trying to be civil and remain friends?  Isn’t that what was happening for the last few weeks?  I broke down and let it all out to a friend who was texting me to find out if I wanted to use his account to watch the new Wonder Woman movie.  He was sweet and kind and tried to make me feel better, but it didn’t fix anything.  I texted my best friend, even though I didn’t want to because she’s dealt with a lot lately and I didn’t want to throw a wet towel on her and her family’s happy Christmas break.  But I didn’t know what else to do.  I broke down and cried to my mom.  I tend to avoid talking to her about things that have to do with my ex because she didn’t like him (didn’t like the way he treated me, he was condescending, and he could come off as just being downright rude a lot of the time) but I couldn’t keep it in, no matter how hard I tried.  She brought up a lot of valid points and tried to make me feel better, but despite my ability to understand what she was saying and agree with her on all of it, it still didn’t do much in the way of helping how I was feeling.

I’ve never been so livid in my life.  I’ve never felt so sad and angry and dejected and hurt and hopeless and betrayed all at once and I couldn’t process it; to be honest, I’m still having quite a bit of trouble with it.  I went to sleep around 3am, still watching Endgame.  It didn’t really help but it didn’t hurt.

I laid there for hours, not actively crying, but tears were streaming out of my eyes constantly.  I had to take my hoodie off because the sleeve was soaked through.  I woke up feeling like I’d fallen and hit every part of my body at once, just one huge ache.  I couldn’t eat breakfast.  I ran errands.  We got things done, but for me it felt like 3 hours of anxiety attacks coming and going.  I started to feel anxious and panicked being in stores and around people and it felt like some sort of strange sensory overload that I have never in my life experienced.  I indirectly took it out on my mom a tiny bit without realizing it, and I beat myself up internally for doing that.  I got home and asked my brother to make a post office run for me so I wouldn’t have to go out around people again today.  I haven’t eaten anything in over 24 hours.  I have no desire to.  I need to make myself drink some water because I don’t think I’ve had water all day either.

His message is still sitting there... showing as read but not replied to on Snapchat.  I don’t know what to say or how to reply.  I want to say all of the things I’ve posted on this blog over the last year... I want to yell at him and scream at him and make him understand what he’s done to me for the last year (plus 5) and make him feel some of what I’m feeling. But somehow I feel like that would just give him some strange feeling of satisfaction and he’d be content knowing that he obliterated me and he’s moving along without a second thought.  It’s not fair how this is all unfolding. It hasn’t been fair for the last 6 years and it’s continuing down the same path again and I can’t take it.  I just can’t.

And in reference to the first line of his message.  Garbage doesn’t try to hurt you and ruin as much as it can for you then skip away like, “lol, but fuck it, that’s just classic me, rightttt???  lol haha lollllll”

Speaking of “haha” and “lol”-- I am just this second realizing that his increased usage of emojis and little fillers like “haha” and “lol” were probably things he started doing to change and improve his communication for this new girl he’s talking to, and I just got some of it because that was the default mode he was already in for her.  I fucking hate him so much I don’t even have words... but maybe later tonight I will, and I’ll write another post.

[chemicalmagecraft]

Foresight is 20/20 Chapter 4

I yawned. I probably shouldn't have stayed up so late, and using my Shoraigan apparently didn't help. "You wanted to see me?" I asked as I sat down at the seat he'd prepared for me. Hiashi had told Hinata to tell me to meet him in his office (I was actually already on my way there because future vision), which currently was empty except for him.

Hiashi nodded, then took a sip of his tea. "First, would you like some tea?" He gestured at a cup of tea obviously set out for me. I cautiously took a sip, not wanting to be rude, then gagged. Seriously, how do people drink that stuff? "Not a big tea fan, I guess..." he muttered to himself. I wordlessly pushed the cup away from me, relying on my look of disgust to indicate that he was right. "I wished to see if you have the ability to sense chakra, as you requested. Before that, however, I want to know if you have any more observations about your eyes."

I smirked. "Well first off, and I know that this isn't my eyes, but it's eye-adjacent, soooo..." My smile grew slightly as I channeled a small amount of chakra into the white markings on my eye rings like I did when I activated my Shoraigan, causing the markings to light up like little flashlights for a second. "I know that future sight is objectively the better power, but I still really like this. I'm also hoping that I can somehow turn this into some sort of offensive jutsu somehow, maybe something like Storm Release: Laser Circus?"

Hiashi frowned. "Isn't Storm Release a Kekkei Genkai?" My smug grin returned, which caused him to chuckle. "Ah, right. I'll see if I can find..." He trailed off, then sighed. "I honestly have no idea what we could do for that aside from testing the hand seals used in similar jutsu and perhaps adding elemental chakra in to see if that does anything, but if I somehow come across anything, I'll let you know."

"Thanks. I also figured out that I can displace my senses in just space and not time, which I can use to spy on people undetected. So far, I've noticed no upper limit to the range of that, so if there is one it's already far enough away that I can see other hidden villages without any problems. I guess that displacing my vision in space is a lot less ludicrous than displacing my vision in time. I've also noticed that, for some reason, it's easiest to view a future where I don't exist, if that makes sense." In other words, canon. "With me, I can reliably see about a day into the future. Without me, I've managed to see about thirteen years into the future. I'm sure that I can improve both over time, though."

Hiashi frowned. "Such a powerful dojutsu... using it must have some drawback."

I rolled my eyes and licked my lips. "The Rinnegan only really has a major downside aside from chakra drain if you start using the Outer Path, which 'just' leaves you with summoning everything and anything, turning your body parts into highly advanced technology, attraction and repulsion powers that can be utilized at a magnitude high enough to level a hidden village, sucking up chakra fast enough to destroy and stop ninjutsu, stealing people's souls to read their minds, and some sort of 'if you lie, you die' jutsu. Probably other stuff, too."

Hiashi gaped. "The Rinnegan is real?" he asked with disbelief.

"Yeeeup," I said, making a popping noise with the "p" sound. "I mean, the Shoraigan totally has a weakness, but the Rinnegan isn't a myth."

He frowned. "Why did you mention the Rinnegan, then?"

"I just wanted to see your reaction," I admitted with a chuckle. He sighed. "The downside of the Shoraigan is that using it makes me really tired."

Okay, remember when I said that I was somehow fine staying up for longer than I used to in my past life? See, at one point I ended up staying up a whole night doing nothing but chakra exercises with intermittent breaks to let my chakra regenerate as a test of that "not getting as tired" thing. Then I stayed up the next day when I felt totally fine. And the next day. And the next day. It took five whole days (literally whole days) for me to start to feel really tired, which I had, at the time, chalked up to having abnormal amounts of mental energy or something combined with already having a lot of experience with not falling asleep or something like that. But now, though, I had suspicions...

"I got decent sleep yesterday, but I feel like I've been up for almost a week now."

For the fourth time in the week that I'd known him, Hiashi looked as if his brain bluescreened because of something I said. I was honestly starting to feel a little bad for him at this point. Did he get a concussion recently? "Repeat that last part again?"

It didn't stop me from laughing internally as I answered, though. "I got decent sleep yesterday, but I feel like I've been up for almost a week," I said, as if I was the one speaking to a child. It's not like a small child with my eyes but not my memories would realize anything was wrong with how weird my sleep schedule was without being told, which I was not, so of course I didn't realize "I feel like I haven't slept for a week" was an alarming statement.

He gave me a concerned look. "How are you still awake?"

I gave him a quizzical head tilt. "I'm not really sure what you..." Pause for idea to form... light bulb expression... "Maybe I don't get sleepy? I remember you said that Kekkei Genkai users have better chakra reserves so they can use their Kekkei Genkai. Maybe the Shoraigan has something similar, but with getting tired." I placed a finger on my chin. "Do people get tired after not sleeping for a day?"

"Yes, yes they do. Your theory is... plausible." Hiashi speculated. "Hyuuga are resistant to eye strain and sensory overload, which is a must for using the Byakugan. How much did you use your eyes last night?"

"I spent... like two or three hours testing out my future vision and remote viewing. I found out that I can speed up my future sight, which may have affected how tired it made me."

"How much?"

"I can tell you every noteworthy event that's going to happen in Konohagakure within the next twenty-four hours, some of the goings-on of other major villages in that same time period," Found out that Gaara didn't have his love tat yet and looked in on the other jinchuriki, "and major events within the next thirteen." Okay, I did review some stuff, so that's technically true.

"What else did you do that made you stay up so late?" he asked.

"Jutsu practice, writing down everything I thought I should tell the Hokage, existential horror, trying to shoot lasers out of my markings, and trying to make other new jutsu," I listed off.

"What was that middle one?"

"Lasers are awesome. Weren't you going to teach me how to sensor?"

He chuckled. "Fine, just make sure to get some rest later and don't stay up more than three days in a row, or less if you get tired sooner." He paused for a moment, then said, "I feel like that isn't the sort of thing that a parent normally tells his child... As for chakra sensing, I want you to start by trying to feel the chakra that I'm going to produce." He held his hand out to me, making chakra emanate from his palm. "Hold your hand out if you have to feel it better, just don't touch the chakra." I held out my hand and started to feel... something from it.

"Do you feel it?"

I nodded.

"Good, now close your eyes. Concentrate on how it feels." I did as he asked, sticking my tongue out a little in concentration. "Good. I'm going to pull my chakra away from you a bit, so try to keep feeling the chakra." I already knew where this was going, so I wasn't surprised at all when I heard his voice from across the room a few minutes later, saying, "Now open your eyes." I saw him standing on the far side of the room. "Did you feel it?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

He gave me a small but warm smile. "Great, that's the first step. You have the potential."

kukukuku~

"I have a question," I told Hiashi, lying on my stomach on the floor and lazily kicking my legs into the air. I'd just finished another session with Kakashi where he'd taught me the basics of genjutsu, as Hiashi had asked him. I'd... almost gotten yin release down and could already disrupt some genjutsu. Sure, it was only weak genjutsu I could disrupt, but I was looking on the bright side. I theoretically knew illusion powers.

"What is it, Kouki-kun?" he asked.

"What are you going to do about the Caged Bird Seal?"

Hiashi sighed. "Ideally, I'd like to replace it with a seal actually meant to protect our bloodline, but the only seal masters in the Hyuuga family are too stuck in their ways to even consider it and nobody would trust a seal not made by a Hyuuga."

I licked my lips. Exactly the dialogue prompt that I wanted. "So it has to be a Hyuuga, but there aren't any Hyuuga seal masters that you can trust enough to do it." I faux-sighed and exaggeratedly pretended to be annoyed with the implication. "Fiiiiiine, I guess I just have to do it myself."

"What?"

"I'm being raised by the Hyuuga clan head, so hopefully I'll gain the trust of the family within time." Unfortunately my adoption was a little... divisive within the family at the moment. Most of the family trusted Hiashi's judgement, yes, but not everyone. And unfortunately some of those Not Everyones were rather important family members. I just avoided them and acted polite whenever they cornered me. "It wouldn't look suspicious at all for me to learn about seals, seeing how I've already persuaded you to get me knowledge on the subjects of ninjutsu, genjutsu, sensing, and maybe eventually healing. Plus, we've already established that I can stay up for three nights in a row without needing to sleep at all, so that might make me able to learn faster," I listed off.

He stared at me. "You planned this, didn't you?"

I smirked and placed my hand on my chest. "Why father! Are you suggesting, perchance, that I knew you would say that and thus decided to use it as an opportunity to persuade you to have me taught in the ways of sealing?" I smiled slightly at him for a second, then said, "Because if so, I did and I am."

He laughed and ruffled my hair. "Hey!" I yelled.

"You're lucky you're cute," he told me.

"Curses!" I shouted. "My attempts to be taken seriously have been thwarted by my cuteness yet again." Hiashi just chuckled again.

kukukuku~

Sarutobi Hiruzen sighed. He had had a very long day. In addition to the usual paperwork of the Hokage, he'd needed to deal with his advisors and their complete inability to realize why it was a terrible idea to declare war on Kumogakure. Again. Yes, a Kumo-nin had tried to kidnap the Hyuuga child, but the Raikage himself had said that the man was acting rogue and the Hyuuga clan head said that it was fine so long as another incident like that didn't happen. He took off his hat as he finally entered his bedroom, intent on finally getting to take a nice, long nap.

And then he saw the small child of doom sitting cross-legged on his futon. "Hiyah!" I told him.

"Hyuuga Kouki," he sighed. "How did you get in here?"

"I'd say that your guards need to step up their game, but to be fair, I did cheat," I told him, quickly flashing him my eyes as explanation. With the Shoraigan, it'd been pretty easy to know exactly what the patrol was. That, plus the fact that I have really good ears to hear when they were close, made stealthing my way into the Hokage's room pretty easy. My ears were more sensitive than I remembered them being, but I'm pretty sure that that one was just the fact that I was younger and hadn't had to deal with The Loudmouth and Crazy McBarksalot instead of some new magical power I'd been granted. Seriously, I love my little sister, but the best way I can think of to describe her is a younger, female Present Mic with a weaker Quirk and who doesn't talk like a radio show host all the time. Our dog is cute, too, but she's literally barking mad. Or, I suppose, was... "Do you want to know why I'm here?" I asked him, pushing that thought aside.

He sighed. "I'm sure you have some grand revelation that's going to leave me questioning my sanity again."

"Bingo," I said. "First, though, I have to give you my official first bit of advice as your advisor." He nodded and stared at me intently. "You really shouldn't have made some random kid your advisor just because he could see the future. You got lucky that I'm so wise beyond my years."

"I was thinking more about later, when you have more experience, but it's good to know that you're good enough to realize the flaws in my decisions now," he retorted.

"True, buuuut there's also the fact that you have no idea what my intentions are," I countered. "For all you know, I could resent the people of the village for their terrible treatment of Naru-chan. In fact, I do resent them somewhat, but I just forgive them enough to not want to do something stupid. I only resent them enough to want to make them see how horrible their actions are and feel despair from it."

Sarutobi nodded. "I thought of that, but I also decided that if you saved Hinata-chan in the way you did, then your intentions must be good."

I rested my cheek on my hand. "Or I could have just used the incident to get into your good graces. For all you know, I could've unlocked my Shoraigan before the Hyuuga incident and planned that all out in advance."

He sighed. "Your point is?" It wasn't angry or anything, just resigned.

"I'd take my advice with a grain of salt if I were you. Sure, I could just be super upfront about everything, but I could also just be doing all this to lull you into a false sense of security. Best to be careful."

"Okay..." he said. I laughed to myself. He was starting to look confused. "What are your intentions, then?"

I took out my journal, now full of every major event and character that I could think of from Naruto and details about them. "In this book, there are several major events that I plan to stop or mitigate the fallout of." I offered it to him. "Read it all, please."

He took the book and began to leaf through the pages of it. "When did you learn to read and write this well?" he asked me. It was a fair question. Despite the fact that we were speaking Japanese and everything was written in Japanese, I was fully capable of comprehending it all as well as I comprehended English (don't ask how the puns work, just don't). The only snag was that I didn't have any knowledge of kanji, which did make my reading comprehension closer to my age than if I knew kanji, but I still knew a lot of words and could tell what they were in hiragana (or katakana when applicable) even though I hadn't seen or heard them before. My guess was that author!Me just made me able to speak Japanese and didn't adjust my skill to be at my age level. That guy's a lazy jerk, y'know? At any rate, that wouldn't be a good answer for him for multiple reasons. I would have paused to think of an answer if I hadn't seen this whole exchange already.

"I used my eyes to find someone teaching a kid how to read. Managed to get really good from that, somehow. Still need to learn kanji though..." I should probably be disturbed by how well and how nonchalantly I could lie if I have it planned out in advance, but meh. It's probably a good skill for a ninja, anyway... "I think that we should start by doing something about Gaara, then the Uchiha incident, and then start worrying about the invasion," I suggested. "By the way, just in case, you really shouldn't just arrest the people involved immediately. Some of them have yet to do anything. Just be wary of them until you can prove that they've done a punishable offense or are about to do a punishable offense."

"I know that. If I may ask, why would you suggest helping Sunagakure if you know they're going to betray us?" I could tell that it was more of a "test his character" question than a "give me one good reason" question.

"Gaara doesn't deserve it, Suna could be less likely to betray us if we help them, and Gaara and I are raccoon-eye buddies," I listed.

He blinked at that last one. "Raccoon-eye buddies?"

"He has markings around his eyes and I have markings around my eyes," I explained like it was the most obvious thing ever. "I mean, it's as plain as the markings my face." Sarutobi sighed at that.

"What could we even do for Gaara?" he asked, looking at his entry.

"I'm hopefully going to learn about seals, so I'm going to try using my Shoraigan and maybe an unconscious Naru-chan to figure something out if I get good enough. Speaking of, I don't suppose you could get me some sealing notes from the Uzumaki? Especially something about biju-sealing?"

"If you think it'll help, then fine, I'll see what I can do. Having another seal master loyal to Konoha is always a good thing. Are there any other things that you'd like?"

"Jutsu scrolls for Transparency Jutsu and, if you can get them, Earth Release: Earth Spears and Earth Release: Underground Projection Fish or jutsu like them. Preferably the fish one because it doesn't disturb the ground too much and looks super cool." He nodded. "Next, I'd like to say something that I thought of that could help with the Uchiha incident."

"If you think it might help."

"Set up a council of advisors with clan heads, other important shinobi, and elected civilian heads," I advised. "Put more than one highly competent Uchiha on the non-clan shinobi council so that it appeases the Uchiha. And just in general try to keep them from feeling alienated."

"I'll think about it. If that is all, shouldn't you be off to bed? I'm sure your father's worried about you."

I laughed, then started preparing chakra threads so I could Spider-Man away from there. "He knows I'm here. I still should be going, though. The next time window where I can leave is right... about..." Instead of finishing that thought, I jumped out the window into the night, leaving behind a note that said, "Is there any reason why you don't use shadow clones for paperwork?" I didn't see it, but I knew that he was hitting himself as he read it. Because Shoraigan.

kukukuku~

A few weeks later

I got up and stretched for a bit. Sure, that book on seals that Father got me was really interesting, but I couldn't just sit still the whole night. I was amazed at how intuitive it was. It was like what little I'd learned of how to code, but I had yet to lose interest in it because I was learning how to code what was essentially magic. Though I think it was more like a combination between programming, music, and grammar. Maybe. I'd already managed to make a basic seal that just glowed when you put chakra in it. Sure, I could do that myself, but I did it by hacking the universe! That's even cooler than flashlight eyes! Plus it was apparently the first step in making paper bombs (converts chakra into radiant energy, change it to a large burst of thermal and kinetic).

I did some of my exercises, making sure to be quiet so as not to wake anyone up. When I was done, I reached out my senses, hoping to practice my chakra-sensing. It'd been a few weeks since Father had first started me on my chakra-sensing training and I could already sense the general direction of where people were by their chakra from a good distance. Sure, I had to concentrate really hard to do it, but I could sense people! From a distance! It was so cool! I always thought that characters in shows with those powers that allow them to tell where people are were really cool, and it was even cooler to be doing to sensing myself! I did a sweep of the general area that I knew the orphanage was in. I figured that it'd be easier trying to pinpoint a specific person in a group if I started first with the ridiculous chakra beacon that was Naru-chan. He wasn't quite as ridiculous as he would be in ten years, but in an orphanage full of untrained children and with him having already practiced chakra? I found him almost immediately.

I remembered what Karin said about him. Even now, his chakra had that warm glow to it that Karin had felt. I "looked" more closely and felt the seething and sinister chakra of Kurama boiling inside of him. I honestly felt bad for him. I'm pretty sure that in every incident that caused Kurama to have a reputation as a mindless, rampaging beast, he was just controlled by some jerk Uchiha calling himself Madara. Plus, he was sealed in someone for about one lifetime, then transferred to another person, this one with the nickname "Red-Hot Habanero," then when he was finally freed to stretch his legs he was mind-controlled by that masked jerk who I'm pretty sure is actually Obito, then split in half and sealed in an infant. I'd certainly be grumpy if that happened to me.

"A human who actually cares what a biju thinks. Now that's a first," a deep voice said from within my head. I suddenly felt like I was falling, and found myself in a familiar-looking... was it supposed to be a sewer? Thankfully, this time around the floor wasn't wet, though there were two canals on either side of the spacious room where the mind water flowed.

I looked up at the giant fox. "Hello, Kurama," I greeted him.

He looked down on me. "Tch. So you are the seer boy my jailor is so fond of," he said. "I should've realized that you would find some way to get in here."

"The word 'jailor' implies that Naru-chan is aware of your presence and is willingly keeping you here," I corrected, then sat down. "If anything, he's a jail."

"That doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck in here until the seal weakens."

"True," I said. "While I can't outright destroy Naru-chan's seal to set you free, seeing as that would kill him and brand me a traitor to Konoha, I'd like to help you"

"Feh. You just want to get on my good side so you can use me for something," he scoffed.

I licked my lips. "I admit that I would like to pick your brains on the subject of seals, considering how you were inside two Uzumaki, one of whom had Namikaze Minato inside of her," at this point Kurama started laughing hysterically. I waited for him to stop before continuing my speech. "But I'll only do that if you want to. No coercion aside from trying to be nice to you, which you are also totally free to refuse, though I feel I should remind you that I seem to be the only one aside from Naru-chan capable of entering here. Do you know anything about that, by the way?"

He blinked. "I thought that you were using some sort of jutsu meant to contact me."

I shrugged. "I just used chakra-sensing on Naru-chan and got here somehow. I figured that you had something to do with that, what with your biju telepathy and all."

He grumbled. "I can't use that unless I'm close to another biju or Naruto lets me. It'd have to have been you."

"Huh," I said. "I'm starting to think that I was exposed to your chakra back when that intangible guy I doubt isn't actually Uchiha Obito took control of you and... absorbed it, I guess. It'd explain how my eyes can turn red and why I have more chakra than I probably should. Could be the reason behind my Shoraigan. It also sounds like the kind of twist that I'd write in a Naruto SI fic, which also corroborates that theory."

Kurama stared at me, and I felt like his eyes were piercing deep into my soul. "I don't know what that last thing you said means, but I do sense some of my chakra on you. It's disproportionally yin, which explains why you were able to use biju telepathy despite not actively using any of it, but you seem to have been soaked in enough of my chakra that you now naturally produce small amounts of it." That was exactly my headcanon on how Sora, Ginkaku, and Kinkaku worked, by the way. I wonder why I was right. It was almost like I was the one writing it... "How that happened to specifically you, I don't know, though I suppose if you were only an infant at the time you'd need a lot less to get to that point. Perhaps you were just close enough to me that the chakra I gave off was enough."

I blinked. "Did you just... scan me?"

"I used the link you so graciously provided me to sense your chakra, yes."

I tapped my chin with my finger. "Stare into the abyss and it stares back..." I muttered. "Say, what do you think I could do with your chakra?"

"Back when I had actual yin chakra, I could use it to easily use genjutsu, at least easily for me. I have no doubts that you could use my chakra to increase your ability to use genjutsu. You could also probably use it to telepathically communicate with other humans, and perhaps even use my malice-sensing power. Can I ask you a favor?"

"Did you miss the part where I literally said that I would do things for you with no expectation of anything in return?" I snarked, giving him a flat look. "Because last I checked, that's exactly what a favor is."

He chuckled lightly. "Because that asshole Minato sealed most of my yin chakra in himself with the Shiki Fujin, I'm currently at about half power. I can't use it at the moment and I'm still cataclysmically powerful anyway, but my power is a matter of pride for me. Even now, my power is slowly regenerating, but it'd come back much faster if someone on the outside who was producing my yin chakra were to contribute. It won't be much, but it'll help. Just for added motivation, I'd have to teach you to use my yin chakra for you to do it and expending my yin chakra like that would increase not only your stores of human chakra but your ability to produce my chakra as well."

I licked my lips. Sounded like a pretty good deal, as long as it didn't hurt Naru-chan at least. "You do realize that you don't have to give me any motivation for me to help you like that, right? Though it certainly does help." I was silent for a moment, then thought of something. "How would I give you your yin chakra, anyway? Hiruzen had a point when he made you a secret from Naru-chan. The boy should be allowed a normal childhood."

He sighed loudly. "Fine. As much as I'd like to break the boy, I suppose I have to follow your rules if you're going to help me. You should be able to slowly but steadily transfuse small amounts of yin chakra into the boy through touch. It wouldn't be enough for any form of negative repercussion as long as you're not trying to hurt him, and the seal will cause my chakra in his system to flow back to me when he's not using it. All you need is to learn how to use my chakra."

I nodded. "Okay." I thought for a few moments. "Hey, do you think that it'd be possible for me to use some sort of jutsu to, say, temporarily transfer your mind into some form of... I don't know, plush cat maybe?"

Kurama's eyes widened. He grinned, then started to laugh. "Heheheheh... HAHAHAHAHAHAH! I once made a seal to do exactly that after hearing Tobirama explain the Edo Tensei to my first jailor. Well, not the plush cat part specifically, but you know what I mean. I gave up on it after realizing that I would need someone with my chakra to use it, and there was no way that she would ever agree to that. You, however?" His grin widened. "I don't even care how limited my freedom would be. I'd be free!"

I smiled at him. "Good, good. I'll probably have to tell my father before we do it, though. I feel like he might want to know beforehand if I summon the mind of a giant demon fox that attacked the village to put in Fluffy-san."

He grumbled. "I suppose. You'd better give a very good argument as to why you should be allowed to do it."

"You said it's an idea you got from the Edo Tensei, right? I'm sure that Father would be at ease if I knew of a way to send you back without trouble."

"There is a set of seals that can release it like the Edo Tensei, yes. Beyond that, I wouldn't have any of my powers in that body and would eventually be sent back when I run out of chakra, which means that I'd be completely dependent on you. I suggest that you tell him that if he has reservations."

I nodded. "That seems like a good enough argument, especially if I mention how you were controlled during that one incident." I walked up to the bars of his cage and held my hand out to him. He stared at it. "It's called a handshake, though for you it'd be more of a clawshake."

"What."

"It's something that people do when they agree on something, or something like that. All I know for sure is that it's a sign of respect." He blinked, then slowly held a single claw out to me. I grabbed it and shook it with both hands.

"I know what a handshake is, you know." He chuckled. "You know, you are most certainly the strangest human that I've ever met, and that includes the Sage of Six Paths, who had horns."

"Tsesesese~" I chuckled. "Is that really a bad thing?"

He huffed. "I never said that."

[mahou-goth]

Today is the 2nd birthday of my art blog! Maybe this is sort of silly, but I've been reflecting a lot lately, so I'll probably get rambly and sappy and serious and other bullshit. Under the cut!

TW: suicide ment, parental death

I remember when I was in early high school I was always kind of in awe that people could get so invested into something that they'd make fanart for it constantly. I'd see it a lot! But back then my hyperfixations would only last a couple weeks before I got tired of it and moved on to something else. There was never anything consistent enough that I'd want to draw fanart, even back when RWBY first came out it was the same thing. I'd be obsessed for a while! And then move on.

But two years ago on a whim I decided to make this art blog. I was honestly so sure that I'd start it, get tired of it within a couple weeks, and ultimately just delete it. But I actually got involved with the community! I saw so many amazing and inspiring artists! I read fun theories, fanfics, ideas, analysis, etc! Before long RWBY became a staple in my life. I related to a lot of the characters and their struggles, especially Yang. And with the hope of Bumbleby becoming a real possibility and being so well written, I was hooked. In the summer of 2018 between volumes 5 and 6, I lost my dad. He wasn't my biological father--that man left me when I was very young. I don't even remember him being much of a presence in my life aside from the very rare times he's visit for a couple hours. For a long time I wanted to have some sort of a relationship with him, but he let me down time and time again with false promises. He added me on Facebook a couple months before my dad died, and I remember just going off on him about how I felt. After so long of wanting him to, y'know, be my dad, when he came to me that time I was just done. I told him how I felt and that was that. I had a dad, you know? So when James, my dad passed it just felt really unfair. 15+ years of wanting a father figure in my life only to finally find someone and then have him taken away so unexpectedly. It's like a cruel joke.

During that time, RWBY became a distraction. Volume 6 teasers started popping up, the fandom was becoming more active again, it helped a little bit. I think the worst of it was right around when volume 6 was probably about halfway through. Grief really fucks up a lot for you. I became a really angry person, I isolated myself from friends, told everyone multiple times there was no way I'd be able to support anyone emotionally, and I left some awful friendships. Even my girlfriend at the time, who knew what this sort of grief was like, tried to hold on to me so tightly that it's ultimately what ended up pushing me away even further. A lot of things just kept going wrong. I remember being downtown by the river one night cause I wanted to get away from everything for a bit, and I just really missed my dad. I missed him a lot. The thought of "If you miss him so much, why not just join him?" ran through my head a lot, staring at the water. It was a little scary.

As stupid as this may sound, clinging so much to a show, "I want to know what happens next." was the simplest response that kept me going. Seeing a new episode every week and then coming on here to see all the new fanart, the wild theories and analysis, all the way down to the smallest things that likely didn't mean anything. (Like Blake taking One Whole step closer to Yang when they told everyone Oscar was missing.) That goofy excitement and seeing so many happy posts made a lot of the grief bearable. It was my first time having to deal with such a life changing loss, but RWBY and its community softened the blow a little, and I'm really grateful for that.

I think some people don't quite understand that. My ex got annoyed that I just wanted to watch RWBY, read stuff about it, draw for it. I tried to explain it to her a few different times like... why I wanted to focus on it so much, and she'd understand for a while. But she'd always get frustrated again a few days later. I tried to do the right thing and break it off a couple times because I just wasn't able to maintain a relationship, but it just sort of... kept dragging on before I finally put my foot down and called it quits for good.

On the other hand, others did understand why RWBY was so important to me, and still tried to chase me from the community anyways due to some issues with my platonic partners coping in unhealthy ways with trauma. (That was a looooong talk with them;; but it all turned out okay and they're doing better.) They knew all of this. I was really scared for a while. Not that I'd lose followers or that people blocked me, I didn't care about that. I was scared that I'd lose the only way I've found that's helped me cope with losing my dad.

I knew grieving was a hard process, but I never thought it'd be so difficult for others to let me grieve. And for me to let myself grieve. Maybe it's dumb to rely so much on a show to help me get through the hard days, but if it helps me that's all that really matters. Volume 7 will be here before we know it and I am beyond excited. Regardless of how much shit people have tried to throw at me and how cruel others are, a lot of good has come from it too. I've experimented more with my art and have tried to improve in areas I've always been too nervous to try cause of how bad I am at them. I've made some really awesome friends!! And I hope to talk to more people and possibly collab with artists! And! I reconnected with an old friend who is now my girlfriend by getting her into RWBY, and of course the bees. :P

I feel like this whole post is a big jumbled mess, but really I'm just so beyond thankful for this whole community. I'm thankful for the people who enjoy my art and continue to support me and I'm grateful for all the fun content people make for it, from fanart to analysis to shitposts. It's all helped me so much.

It's been a really wild 2 years and I'm stuck in this fandom for a long time. Nothing and no one will change that. ♥