#hopefully this all makes sense lol…I’ve been running on like 3 hours of sleep but I tried my best

[leonsliga]

Don't worry, I understand perfectly that you get emotional when your favourite player who you have a special connection with isn't nominated. Euros at home is a once in a lifetime oppurtunity for players and it sucks to be left out.

I just think that Leon's strength nowadays is being box to box midfielder who plays best in a defensive set-up, but not when you need your midfielder to quickly progress the ball up the pitch. When you look at who Nagelsmann nominated, it's clear he wants to play in a double pivot with Kroos/Pavlovic as an attacking midfielder and Gross/Andrich as a defensive midfielder. Leon is in an unfortunate position because he's jack of all trades, master of none type of midfielder right now. Tuchel choosing to start Pavlovic instead of Leon against Real Madrid, our most important game of the season, must have been the final nail in the coffin.

Leon isn't competing with Ilkay Gündogan for his spot. Gündogan will be playing in Thomas Müller's usual position as a #10.

I was surprised as well that Mats Hummels wasn't called up. I think the explanation was that Mats is too outspoken and wouldn't accept a back-up role. I've never played any sports professionally and I don't know how it is, but I think it it's possible that having too many leading players can be a bad thing. Too many cooks in the kitchen etc. Especially when a leading player is third choice in his position. Very unfortunate for Mats of course, he's had a very good season. And it must sting to watch Toni Kroos, Thomas Müller and Manuel Neuer from 2014 all getting a callup. Mats is better than Schlotterbeck on paper but I think Nagelsmann thought that Schlotti will accept his role in the squad more easily and Schlotti is a defender for the future. He needs big tournament experience for 2026. Plus Dortmund has played a low block and counter attacking football most of the season which plays to Mats' strengths, but Nagelsmann is going for more attacking based set-up where speed is more important.

As for Manu, he's simply the GOAT and improves any team he plays for. I don't think anyone would deny his incredible mental resilience. But I do think that it gets a little silly when people start saying that he should spurn the dfb and Nagelsmann for not worshipping the ground he walks on and that Nagelsmann doesn't rate him when he clearly does. Nags wouldn't have patched up their relationship and called him up otherwise. Nagelsmann has said many times that Manu is the clear starter even tho Manu missed the march games with an injury and hasn't played in the dfb since dec 2022. Nobody else in the squad has been given that much leeway. I doubt Nagelsmann would have taken Manu's armband away, but because Hansi Flick already did then it would have been silly to reverse the decision so soon and basically say fuck you to Gündogan.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you’re the anon I sent an entire master’s dissertation to the other day 😂 if it’s you, welcome back! And thanks for reading all that omg 😅 I’m glad I didn’t scare you off too much lol.

You raise some excellent points as well. This is why I love footyblr, because we’ve all got different views and takes on news like this, and it’s interesting to hear everyone’s perspectives.

I definitely agree with you on Leon’s role these days. He functions best as he always has—as a box-to-box midfielder—but recently, thanks in large part to Bayern’s current structure under Tuchel, his duties lie more in assisting the defense and helping with the buildup than they do in the attacking third (though he still helps out there when needed). Personally, I think Nagelsmann’s aiming for a Kroos/Andrich midfield pivot with Groß and Pavlović in reserve, but we’ll have to keep an eye on what develops as the Euros draw nearer.

Personal emotions/vested interest aside, for as much as Leon’s greatest strength is his versatility, it’s also his biggest weakness right now, at least as far as Nagelsmann is concerned. After all, it can make him harder to pin down/lock into a role than most, as you suggested. When you can adapt to variety of positions, the issue becomes where you can play best, and I can definitely see how that’s become muddled to some extent recently.

With Leon’s jack-of-all-trades skill set, you could argue he was competing with a variety of players for his spot, depending on where and how Nagelsmann would’ve wanted to use him. That said, I think his stiffest competition was in Groß and Kroos (though I still disagree with excluding Leon, but I’m pretty sure you know that already lol 🤷‍♀️). I think when I discussed Gündogan recently on this blog with one of my mutuals, we were saying that it was impressive that Leon’s goal contributions rival his, considering that Leon operates more defensively these days, despite retaining his role as a CM.

Honestly, I’ve got no issues with Gündogan (I’m a little hung up on the captaincy thing, but I don’t blame him for that); I think my concern is with him assuming Thomas’s role as #10. I understand that Ilkay is the captain now and Thomas is getting older, but Thomas has proven, despite reduced playing time under Tuchel, that he’s still extremely valuable, especially when given the time and freedom to play his game. If I’m honest, it concerns me how quick Nagelsmann was to confirm he won’t be a starter, and it’s hard not to feel, at least to some extent, like he’s being paraded around as some sort of figurehead, even if he’ll still get some playing time. I don’t think that kind of treatment is fair to Thomas—not when he has so much left to offer the team on the pitch as well as off it.

I’m glad I’m not alone in being shocked Mats was left behind 😅 nothing against Koch, but I’m sorry; he’s not better than Hummels. Plain and simple. End of. I’m being a bit dramatic here, but Nagelsmann excluding Mats was genuinely one of the more questionable roster decisions I’ve seen in recent memory, even more baffling than Leon’s absence.

I see your point about Mats’s outspokenness; he certainly can be, but I feel like at least as far as the Euros have been concerned, he’s been fairly tight-lipped. I understand what you mean about the stubbornness as well, but I think at the end of the day, if it came down to him sacrificing a position in the starting XI for the benefit of the team, he would do it in a heartbeat. He’s a self-assured player, sure, but he’s not selfish. He’s a team player above everything.

As far as whether too many leading players can be a bad thing, like you, I haven’t played a sport professionally and can’t speak to that in any definitive way, but I’d imagine that while it can be a bad thing, it doesn’t have to be. In my mind, it comes down to the cohesion we spoke about in that previous ask. Take the 2014 World Cup, for example; the dfb had quite a few leading players at their disposal then, like Phillip Lahm, Miroslav Klose, Bastian Schweinsteiger, and Lukas Podolski (although his role was somewhat limited in the tournament itself, if I recall), to name a few. And that’s without even mentioning Manu, Mats, and Thomas, who, despite still being relatively young at the time, were already well-respected, well-established homegrown talents. I think, at the end of the day, it’s all about how everyone’s different leadership styles mesh with one another, along with how the players in their charge respond to them.

And ugh, it’s gotta feel like a gut punch for Mats, who can do little more than watch his 2014 teammates play in the Heim-EM without him. To some extent, I can put myself in Nagelsmann’s head on this one, even if I strongly disagree with him. As we’ve discussed, he values younger players and wants to develop them into replacements for some of Germany’s aging legends, which unfortunately includes our beloved Mats, despite him playing absolutely out of his mind lately. Do I completely agree with Nagelsmann’s decision to risk developing so many youth players during such a special, high-pressure Euros? No. Would I do things differently if I were in charge? Absolutely. But I’m not, and given that in most matches, Germany likely won’t be playing low like Dortmund and will operate more on the offensive, demanding a bit more speed in the process, I can understand to a degree why Nagelsmann made the calls he did—‘to a degree’ being the operative phrase here.

While speed isn’t exactly Mats’s strong suit, and his knack for long balls and well-timed tackles do favor a counter-attack, we’ve also seen the damage he can do in the attacking third, in spite of his comparatively slower speed—his magnificent header against PSG in the second leg of the UCL semifinal being the most recent example. It’s just that considering the form Mats is in, it seems foolish not to take him, even if he wouldn’t start under Nagelsmann’s current system. Practicing a degree of tactical flexibility and being willing to make adjustments based on the opposition you’re dealing with is important as a manager. With certain opponents, it’s better to lie in wait and go on the counterattack, and like you said, matches like these are right in Mats’s wheelhouse. Save him for them, and in all honesty, he and his body will probably thank you, given he is getting older.

Additionally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out how Nagelsmann decided to call four goalkeepers as opposed to fortifying what’s been a historically shaky defense (at least in recent years). Yes, he has a chance to fix this, as his current shortlist consists of 27 players as opposed to 26, but if the reports are to be believed (though I should note here I make it a rule of thumb to take bild’s reports with a grain of salt), all 4 goalkeeper spots are safe, which, when you have goalkeepers like Manu and Ter-Stegen in your ranks, seems completely excessive in my opinion.

And last but not least, since we’re now on the topic of goalkeepers, let’s talk Manu, because god knows I haven’t talked long enough at this point 😵😂

An anon of culture, I see! I totally agree that Manu’s the GOAT, but I think my opinions on him probably go without saying lmao. The fact that he’s been through as much as he has—Schalke turning its back on him, Bayern ultras initially rejecting him (see: the “koan neuer” incident), getting diagnosed with cancer, and enduring several potentially career-ending injuries, just to name a few—and has managed to rise above it all is truly inspiring.

I understand why it can seem silly at times when some of us Manu fan footyblrians say certain things about him and the dfb. But this is footyblr we’re talking about here; no one has ever accused us of being normal (and that goes for me too ofc; I’m certainly not normal, as I’m sure you can tell 😅). We’re all a little weird here (deeply affectionate). More often than not, it’s all stemming from a combination of frustration at the situation and feelings of protectiveness towards Manu. Hell, I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve crossed the line between a simple parasocial relationship into hero worship a time or two. I think the important thing that we can all agree on is that it’s unequivocally good news that Manu and Nagelsmann have patched up their relationship and reconciled their differences. You make a good point about Hansi setting the precedent of Ilkay as captain as well, and you offer a good explanation of why Nagelsmann might be hesitant to reverse the decision so quickly. Still, I do think Manu’s got quite a bit of captain magic left in him, should he get the armband back one day 💫

If you read all this by the way, thanks 💜 I know it was a lot, and I appreciate it!

[into-the-stratosphere]

Sweeney Todd: Revisted

Lol I can’t post this on any of my other socials just yet because the official cast list hasn’t been posted, but my tumblr isn’t linked to my Instagram or Facebook or anything like that, so I felt I could safely post here without getting in trouble. Warning now that this is a LONG post because I overwrite a lot lol

If you’ve been following me a while, you might remember last spring I was supposed to be in a production of Sweeney Todd as a soloist/ensemble member. We got through about a month and a half of rehearsals before everything was shut down by Covid, but the company kept promising we would do the show once everything opened up again, just a little while longer and we’ll do it, we’re pushing for October instead of May, this is going to happen. Honestly, once we hit the school year and no updates had come, I thought this would have to be a show I shelved until an entirely new production came up- until April this year we got an email asking who was still interested in returning.

Somehow we had gotten approval to move forward with the show again after all, and we were being moved to a larger space to accommodate a larger audience to boot! But with the new dates and location, naturally some cast members had to step down from their roles due to conflicts. In fact, pretty much the entire main cast had to step down; our Sweeney had moved in October, our Beggar Woman wasn’t comfortable coming back to live theatre just yet, Mrs Lovett would be on her honeymoon during the new show dates, our main Johanna would be working a new job further away, a lot of our younger cast was going to college out of state, like our Anthony and I believe both Toby’s.

In the initial email we were told that if we were willing to return, we could keep our roles and not have to reaudition, but as roles opened up we were also given the option to audition for the new openings. Our understudy Johanna was returning, so I figured they would bump her up into the main role, and I hoped I could squeeze in and maybe get the understudy spot this year, since last year I hadn’t made the cut for Johanna at all. I picked my music (Soon from A Little Night Music if anyone was wondering) and my monologue (fairly certain they wanted monologues just to hear that we could do accents because the audition listing said they preferred we did our monologue in accent), and set to preparing again to hopefully have a shot at Johanna this year.

A friend I met doing virtual shows was also auditioning, and when she mentioned she heard the new director didn’t want to have any understudies for the main cast, I grew worried, remembering our understudy Johanna said she was returning. Since I didn’t know how the director would go about distributing promised roles regarding understudy positions, I continued to prepare to the best of my ability with the slim hope I might get Johanna, but that hope was fading with the knowledge of the former understudy’s return.

A few days before the audition however, she posted in our private group that she too would have to step down, as she had just gotten accepted into her dream school and would be out of state during the production’s run. Suddenly the grey area barring me from Johanna dissipated, and all I had to worry for now was the new auditioning pool- this was one of the first in person shows to open in our area since the lockdown, so there was bound to be a lot of new faces trying to get back into the game.

I went in on Sunday feeling far more prepared than I did last year (I almost didn’t audition last year because I had only just gotten my voice back from a horrible flu strain), and funnily enough, my friend I had met doing virtual shows had signed up for the same time bracket as me without either of us knowing. Entering the audition room, I immediately felt good; everyone had such a welcoming atmosphere, the director was friendly as could be, but I could also tell he was very professional. I performed the best I could, waited for my friend to finish her audition afterwards, then we went to go talk and catch up while desperately waiting to possibly get a callback.

We chatted for hours about theatre, our virtual theatre group, life, all while keeping a vigilant eye on the time for when that day’s auditions would end and calls would be made. Eventually we both decided to go home, wishing each other the best and hoping to see each other again at callbacks.

I was only halfway home when my phone rang; they loved my audition and wanted me to come in on Tuesday to read for Johanna at callbacks. I was so excited that I started crying behind the wheel, and from the way my phone was blowing up with messages from my friend, I knew she had gotten a callback as well.

Luckily they asked me to prepare Green Finch and Linnet Bird for the callback, because I have known the song for about two years now- I had put it in my audition book about a month before my Sydney trip in 2019, and the hope to perform it in the original production had been the reason I auditioned in 2020 in the first place. I found out there was two other girls they were looking at for Johanna, so I worried day and night that what if they already knew the song too, what if their resumes were better than mine, what if I cracked, what if, what if, what if…

Tuesday came and I could only hope I’d get another burst of energy after a long day at work. I showed up about forty five minutes early (the drive usually took about half an hour, but the traffic had been forgiving), hearing snippets of the Anthony’s and Beggar Woman’s upstairs, and then the first of the other two Johanna’s showed up. She was so nice, and with time the second Johanna showed up. We all chatted as the Sweeney’s, and Beggar Woman’s came down, and soon enough, they were calling the Johanna’s to head upstairs.

The Anthony’s were still upstairs when we got there, certainly so we could read our audition scenes together. The director explained we’d be singing our song first (ALL of Green Finch, since there’s no good natural spot to stop in the song), and then taking turns reading with both Anthony’s. Since I volunteered to go first, the director said he’d let me go a second time after the other two girls, that way I could adjust any slip ups since I was basically test running the sound and space for the other two girls. The speaker was as loud as it could go, but once I started singing I quickly realized that I drowned out the music and couldn’t hear my accompaniment anymore, so I relied on my muscle memory of the flow of the song and my internal meter to get me through to the end. I only messed up on the trill before the final verse, it was so much longer than I anticipated, but I knew I’d be able to fix that after hearing the other two girls. Turns out the other two had only started looking at the song once they got called back, so I had an edge on having it memorized, but once I heard their voices I grew worried because they both had such beautiful tones, trying to react quickly to when they missed something in the music. I went through my second time, correcting my mistake with the trill (which all three of us made the same mistake there) and tweaking a few small things to my blocking, and then we were given a scene to read with the Anthony’s.

We would all get a turn with both Anthony’s to get a sense of chemistry, as well so we could all make adjustments (the director reminded us the context of the scene we were reading after we all finished with the first Anthony, and guided us on a better direction to what Johanna would be feeling in that moment for our second time through). I felt I really connected well with both Anthony’s, familiar with the scene and story so I wouldn’t have to be buried in my lines. It was during our read-throughs that I realized the other two Johanna’s were likely a few years older than me based on how they played her; more mature, more sure of themselves. I finished my second read-through, hopefully keeping to the context of the scene better than my first run-through, and we were all told that we could head home, that we’d be hearing from them in a day or two regarding final casting. Before I hit the door, the director paused me, asking if I still had my original script from the prior production. Heart pounding at the implications his question could be loaded with, I told them I did, and in fact I had it with me. “It felt like good luck to bring it,” I said, and they all laughed with me at lugging around a four hundred page script for luck.

When we got downstairs, the Johanna I was particularly worried about asked me if I studied opera, which I admitted I did have an associates degree for music. We all talked a while longer before they all headed out, and I sought my friend in the lobby to confide in her; I think I’ve got Johanna.

After talking with her a bit about our auditions, explaining how I thought I had an edge, I headed home, hardly able to sleep as I picked my audition apart in my head and awaited some kind of phone call.

The next day at work I jumped every time my phone buzzed, waiting to see if it was a call. When I was upstairs heating up my lunch, my friend asked if I had heard anything yet, mentioning how she and our Judge thought the director would start making calls after work. I assented- it made sense, plus it’s so much better to actually be able to receive the call than to come back to a voicemail about your casting.

As I waited in the hall for someone, my phone started buzzing with a call, and my heart rate shot up. It was still so early in the afternoon, not quite 3:30, and with everything I had knew was good about my audition, I allowed myself a flicker of hope. I knew I had a few minutes, so I quickly answered- and there was our director on the other side.

“Hi, is this Shelby? This is (director), from Sweeney Todd.” I responded back, asking how he was, trying not to lose my nerve. “I’m great, thanks for asking. We’re just starting to call everyone about casting, and we were just so impressed with your auditions, your first and your callback; we were interested if you’d be willing to accept the role of Johanna?”

I was trying not to cry on the phone as I excitedly responded YES, I would LOVE to play Johanna- I had wanted to play Johanna for a year and a half at this point, and here was my moment at last. After a few more logistical questions, he bid me a good day and hung up to call the rest of the main cast. I was just bubbling over with excitement, the first thing I did was message my friend that I’d gotten Johanna- she had found out the night before that she was going to be the Beggar Woman since she stayed late at callbacks to discuss a miscommunication with the director (she was accidentally twenty minutes late because her email had the wrong callback time listed, and when the director was made aware, she asked if she could sing again, and he said “we don’t need you to, we saw all we needed your first time through- you ARE the Beggar Woman”), then I messaged our Judge Turpin, who was one of the other few returning cast members.

My coworkers were all so excited for me, asking me when the show was going to be, that they’d all make a group to go see it together. When I got home, I tricked my parents into thinking I was still nervous about casting, saying “I don’t know, I’m just nervous… I mean, my first kiss is going to be on stage.” And when it clicked that I had gotten the part, my mom screamed and my dad laughed at my mischievousness at tricking both of them, congratulating me.

I’m still waiting on the go-ahead so I can post about this on my main socials, but I’ve just been so excited that I had to find a way to post it secretly somewhere, just so I wouldn’t burst at the seams holding this in. Our first rehearsal is in August, so my rehearsal stories series will be returning once those start (I theorized there’s a gap between auditions and first rehearsals because the cast has to be vaccinated for legal reasons, so the handful that aren’t can have time to get their vaccines).

For now, I get to wonder who my other fellow cast mates are, who my Anthony will be. Until then, if I cannot fly, let me sing 🕊 -Johanna (Shelby)

[starrynite7114]

Misconstrued: Part 6

A/N: FINALLY! SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. School is back in session and things you never knew has been occupying me. But here it is now! So excited to finally update! I hope you all will enjoy this one. 

Did you guys want a few more parts? See how their relationship progress? Should we move on to another series? LOL Let me know what you think!

Also, thank you again for the response I’ve been getting for this story.  I enjoy reading all of your comments!

Please check out the Masterlist! I updated it with links that hopefully work for my multi-chapter fics!

Anon:  I don’t know if this is too specific but could you do something about Angel ruining a date and later admits it because he loves them and then they have some angry smut and late night fluff

Anon, I hope you’ve enjoyed misconstrued! It wasn’t exactly how you requested it, but I still hope you enjoyed it!

Word Count: 6927

Warnings: Mild angst, Smut

Previous parts

Part 1 : Part 2 : Part 3 : Part 4 : Part 5

Masterlist

Tag list: @iambabyharry; @justahopelessssromantic : @carlaangel86 : @marvelmaree : @mrsamaroevans : @ifoundmyhappythought : @woahitslucyylu : @cind-in-real-life : @briannab1234 : @fairygardenss : @gemini0410 : @everyhowlmarksthedead : @losolvidad0s : @whyisgmora : @comasi-world : @xserenax-13 : @chibsytelford : @welovethesponge : @claytoncardenasbabymama : @jadert15 : @bigcreatorwombatdreamer : @trulysuccubus : @pananegra : @summertimesadnesswithadashofsass : @encounterthepast : @enamoured-x : @elcococruz : @samcrobae : @sadeyesgf : @briana-mishell24

Credit to the original creator of the gif!

You jolted awake, hearing the banging of cabinets in your kitchen. Looking at your phone that laid beside you, it was nearing three in the morning. You had multiple messages from EZ and Angel, frowning as to why dumb and dumber left numerous messages on your phone and called you as well. Grabbing your bat, you were hoping it was Angel that was in your kitchen, hell, maybe even EZ, but you could never be too sure. Making your way out of your room, you heard Angel cussed as he rummaged through your fridge. 

Sighing in relief, you placed your baseball bat back in your closet. Making your way out of your room, you found Angel sitting on your couch. He looked up at you and you could see the tears in his eyes. 

“Angel, what are you doing here?” 

“EZ betrayed me.” Angel uttered out, his voice thick.

“What?” You approached him, and Angel pulled you to him as soon as you were close enough, resting his head on your stomach, wrapping his arms around you. 

You ran your fingers through his hair, kissing the top of his head. You waited for him to speak, but he remained silent and just held you.

“Let’s go to bed?”

He placed his beer on the table and followed you to your bedroom. He took off his clothing, leaving him in his muscle shirt and boxers. When he found out about EZ’s betrayal, all he wanted to do was see you. He fucking missed you. It was insane how a woman could change his life so quickly. But it was hard to imagine life without you at this point. 

Angel slipped in beside you. You were facing one another. Tracing a finger on Angel’s face, you could see the sadness and anger in his eyes. He proceeded to tell you everything. From the rebels to EZ’s betrayal. You just listened as he let it all out, his frustration, concerns, anger and his sadness. You couldn’t believe EZ would do what he did, but at the same time, it made sense. EZ wouldn’t get a pass just because the cop was crooked.

“I love you, you’re a good man Angel Reyes, even though you don’t think so.” You kissed him.

Angel wrapped his arms around you, pulling you flush against him. He buried his face at the crook of your neck, your hand soothingly running up and down his back.

“I’m so fucking sorry, I don’t deserve you. You’re the only person who put me first with no hesitation. I should have respected our relationship and included you in this whole bullshit.” He held you tighter if that was possible, his tears wetting your skin. “I love you, I fuck up, but I’ll try not to, just please come back to me.”

“You’ve always had me Angel.” You felt the tears pricking your eyes as well. It was heartbreaking to hear Angel cry. “Just give me some time, and then we’ll be back together.”

He nodded his head, keeping his face buried at the crook of your neck. You felt his breathing even out as you continued to rub his back. Eventually you fell asleep as well.

The next morning, you woke up and Angel was nowhere in sight. You weren’t surprised since you’re almost certain he was needed at the clubhouse. Letting out a yawn, you contemplated if you wanted to get up yet since you didn’t have to be at work till noon. You closed your eyes and before you could go back to sleep, you felt the bed dip. You would have been alarmed if you didn’t smell Angel’s familiar scent. He pulled you against him as he laid back down, wrapping his arm around you. 

“I always feel stupid talking to you while you’re asleep, but at times, it’s better this way so I don’t become distracted of just wanting to kiss you.” You heard him chuckle. “I remember when I first saw you and how you hid behind your tio, which was comical since you’re fucking taller than him.” You smiled, wondering if Angel spoke to you in your sleep often. “I was attracted to you then, then I found myself gravitating towards you, hanging on to your every fucking word. This whole thing with Ezekiel, it fucking hurt me and I had to see you, because you’re the only thing that has made every pain go away and every insecurity I have about my brother seem like a million miles away. You’ve changed my life.” You heard him sniffle. “One day, I want to marry you, have kids with you, build a life with you. If I had to kill one of my own brothers to do so, I would. I would have buried Diego six feet under.”

Angel kissed the top of your head. “You can’t reply to me with that smart mouth of yours right now and I know you can’t hear me cause you sleep like the dead.” He chuckled. “But I love you. You’re my world and I hope one day you want to share the rest of your life with me. I fucked up with Diego, but God, just give me one more chance to prove to her that I deserve that chance.”

You had to hold yourself back from crying. Hearing Angel’s words, it made your heart swell. Sure there were things that occurred that had strained your relationship, but you could only stay away from Angel for so long, and he was so damn persistent. And you love Angel, more than you could even express. You debated on waking up or not, but you could feel his breathing evening out, most likely falling asleep again. 

You could use a few more hours, you always slept best with Angel holding you.

==============

“I hate clubhouse parties.” You said to no one in particular as you park your car beside EZ’s trailer. You got out of your car, zipping up your bomber jacket. Jeans and t-shirts were your default. Comfort trumped everything.

Walking in the gate, the party was already in full swing. Angel has been texting you the whole day, and his nagging got more persistent when he arrived at the clubhouse and you weren’t there. You were certain that if you didn’t text him that you were on your way, he would have come and picked you up. It’s been two days since you last saw Angel since the club had him busy, but he never stopped texting you, calling you whenever he could. 

“Hey bitch!” You heard Regina’s shrill voice call you. 

You groaned, turning around and was surprised by the sudden sting on your cheek.

“You fucking happy now? You got what you fucking wanted.” She spat out venomously. “Your precious Diegito came for you.”

You were still shocked that this bitch just slapped you. Before you even know what was happening, all the pent up anger and frustration, hell, all the emotions you were put through by Regina all came back. You pulled your arm back and punched Regina right on the nose. You felt everyone’s eyes on you. 

“Shit, are you okay?” You heard Diego ask you as he cupped your face, checking your cheek where Regina slapped you.

“She broke my nose Diego.” Regina cried out as she sat on the floor. She couldn’t believe Diego was checking on you when you had just punched her on the face.

“Serves you fucking right.” You heard Medina tell her as he made his way to you. “Knew those boxing lessons I gave you would come in handy. Should have done it years ago.” He slightly pushed Diego to the side and hugged you. “They’re at Templo right now, but I’m sure your boyfriend will be sad he missed you punching that bitch.”

You didn’t bother correcting Medina, you knew Angel would eventually become your boyfriend again. “My hand hurts,” you shook your hand, opening and closing it. “Not broken though.”

“Of course not, I taught you well.” Medina proudly told you. “I don’t even know why Diegito brought her here. Can you get rid of her? Send her back to Stockton.” He turned to Diego.

“You’re gonna pay for this bitch.” Regina warned you as she stood back up.

“Would love to see you try sweetheart.” Angel’s voice surprised all of you. “If I even hear that you’re breathing the same air as my girl, I won’t hesitate to put a bullet in between your eyes.” Angel wrapped an arm around you from behind.

“Fuck you and this club.” Regina stood up, dusting off her clothing. “Fuck you Diego and your small dick.”

“That’s not what you were saying before.” Diego yelled out after her.

Diego and Medina laughed while Angel’s attention was fixated on you.

“Did that feel good?” Medina knew all the hell Regina put you through. You never laid hands on Regina since she was never worth your time, but this time around, it was warranted.

You were never such a fan of inflicting violence, but you weren’t going to lie, that definitely felt good. “So good.”

“Damn baby, that was hot.” He kissed the side of your head after he pulled you against him. “You should let me show you just how good you looked.”

You laughed, playfully pushing him. “So, did you get it?”

Angel smirked and waved the patch in front of your eyes. “You're looking at the new secretary.”

“Congratulations!” You jumped into his arms. “So proud of you, well deserved.”

“Can I get a congratulatory kiss?” 

“Absolutely.”

Angel kissed you, slipping his tongue inside your mouth as he did. His hands grabbed your ass, causing you to shriek.

“Angel!” 

“Sorry,” he laughed. 

His eyes connected with Diego who looked displeased by the public display of affection, but he didn’t give a fuck. Diego could kiss his ass. He was proud of that shiner on Diego’s left eye and the bruises and abrasions all over his face. 

And he still had more coming for him.

“Everything okay with Ezekiel?”

“Yes, he’s going to quit and that’s that.” Angel wrapped an arm around you and brought you towards the clubhouse. “I don’t like how he looks at you.”

“Huh?” You looked at him, confused by what he meant. “Who?”

“Diego. I know you told him it was done, but I don’t think it’s registered.” Angel wasn’t happy that Diego was still here. He knew he was leaving soon, but it made him antsy whenever he saw Diego near you. “I should fuck him up.”

“You already did, remember?” You didn’t want anymore violence. You weren’t going to lie and say it felt good to see Diego with bruises on his face. He was your best friend not too long ago, even though you thought after all of his actions he deserved at least a punch or two.

“Yeah, but someone like him needs to really have it embedded with another beating.” 

You stopped walking, turning Angel to face you. “Forget him, you have me. Just leave him be.”

“So you're done playing and you’re my girl again?” Angel smirked.

“Maybe.” You mischievously smiled at him. “Come on, I’m starving.” You pulled him towards the clubhouse so you could get some food.

“For my dick?”

“Angel!”

“You know you missed my dick, let's just skip this shit and go home.” He pulled you flushed against him, your back to his front. “I know I’ve missed the sight of your pussy, especially the taste, the feel, how fucking tight you are.” He whispered the last sentence in your ear, his hot breath against your skin. You felt a shiver go up your spine. You weren’t going to lie that his dirty mouth didn’t make you wet, but you had to at least be here for a few hours. “Come on baby, I’m the new El Secretario, you should give me congratulatory sex.”

“Behave,” you moved away from him, Angel watching as you walked in front of him.

He whistled. “God you’re fucking ass is a thing of beauty baby.”

You shook your head, laughing. Angel was too much at times, but you love him. 

You were sitting on Angel’s lap, sharing a beer with some of the members and your tio. They were busting jokes about Creepers nonexistent love life. You love hanging with the guys, they were absolutely hilarious and they always involved you in their conversations. They never held back and if they did say something out of line they always apologized.

“You having fun?” Angel checked in with you all the time. He knew too much socializing exhausted you, so he wanted to make sure you were still good.

“Yes, I’m good babe, thanks for checking.” You kissed his cheek.

Bishop looked over Angel, nodding his head towards the clubhouse. 

“Can you get me another beer baby?” Angel requested of you, understanding his gesture.

“Sure.” 

Once you were inside, Bishop leaned over to speak to Angel. “I set up dinner with Diego tomorrow. We finish this whole bullshit with my niece and him tomorrow. If he so much even looks her way, he’s done.” 

Before Templo, Bishop and Angel had a lengthy discussion about Diego and what they wanted to do with his past indiscretions. They both knew you wouldn’t exactly be happy with kicking Diego out of the club, it’s been too long. But, that doesn’t mean they couldn’t threaten him to fuck off. Angel would talk to you first, not wanting to have a misstep in your relationship again. 

“Got it prez, we both know I want this to end.” Angel sat back, taking out his cigarette and getting a stick. He lit it up and took a drag. “I don’t like it when he’s around her. He always looks at her with such fucking hope and he could go fuck himself.”

“Then make it known to him that whatever it was with her, it’s fucking done.” 

“Gladly.” 

You returned, handing him his beer. You were going to take the chair beside him, but Angel pulled you down to sit on his lap again. “Baby, you ain’t sitting anywhere else when my lap is readily available.”

“You’re so needy.”

“I got you back baby, you better get used to it. You know how I am, all about affections.” Angel kissed your cheek, before turning his attention to Creeper.

“You want to go home?” You whispered into Angel’s ear. 

His gaze turned towards you, already darkened by your suggestion.

“We’re gonna head out.” 

==============

“Fuck baby, just like that.” Angel watched as you wrapped your mouth around his cock, bobbing your head up and down. Your hair was wrapped around his hand, guiding you on how to suck his cock.

He followed you home on his bike, immediately going to your place instead of his. You took out your sewing kit to sew Angel’s patch on his kute. You sat on his lap as you did, his hands gripping your thigh. You felt him getting harder as you sewed his patch on. He looked at you, biting his lips as you concentrated to not poke his skin.

As soon as you were done, he had you on your knees and sucking his dick. You’ve been at it for a good thirty minutes and the way you were sucking his dick like a fucking pro was making him come closer to his climax. He was proud that he taught you everything you fucking know.

“Get up,” he pulled you up, putting his hands under your ass and lifting you up. You wrapped your legs around his waist, your lips meeting his. 

He walked you to your bedroom, gently placing you on the bed. Your lips were swollen, making Angel groan. He loved sharing intimate moments with you because he knew no one else has and he planned on keeping it that way. Slipping off his jeans he threw them to the side and walked over to you with a predatory gaze. You removed your shirt as you moved back towards the headboard.

Angel grabbed your ankle, pulling you back to the edge of your bed, making you laugh. He unbuttoned your jeans and pulled them off. You were only in your bra and panties, Angel’s eyes roaming your body. He smirked, licking his lips.

“You look fucking beautiful amor.” He kneeled by the edge of your bed, pulling you so that your legs were hanging on his shoulders. “I’ve missed your scent baby, it would drive any man crazy.” His fingers ran up and down your inner thigh, his touch alone made you shiver. You shifted so that he would move towards where you wanted him faster, but he was purposely making you wait. “I love you.”

“I love you.” You breathed out. “Angel, stop teasing me.”

Angel chuckled, grabbing a hold of your panties and pulling them off. He spread your lips, licking his as he saw your glistening cunt.

“I will never tire at the sight of this.” He pulled you towards him, his tongue lapping at your sensitive nub as soon as he was closed enough.

Your back arched, hands grabbing the sheets underneath them. You whimpered out his name as he began his assault, moving his tongue down to your entrance and sliding it in. 

“You’re so fucking good at this.” A pleased hum was released from your lips, your hand gripping his hair. Your hips gyrating against his tongue.

He placed a hand on your hips, holding you down. He slipped a finger inside you with his other hand, pulling his mouth away. His eyes were trained on your reaction to every move he did on you, he loved watching you, memorizing your reaction to everything he did, it was so fucking satisfying for him. 

“Look at me baby,” he commanded. 

You tried your best to open your eyes and when you did, you saw that sexy smirk on Angel’s lips, you felt your stomach tightening up, your orgasm was close. You wondered if it was always like this for other people. The intensity, how good it felt, this was driving you crazy.

“I’m cumming.” You choked out. You grabbed on Angel’s hand that was on your hip, intertwining your fingers. 

“Fuck baby, you’re drenched.” Angel lapped at your juices, causing your eyes to roll back, a loud moan escaping your lips as he did. “I fucking missed you baby, not having you in my arms was fucking torture.” He pulled away from you, instructing you to move back to the center of the bed. He crawled after you, kneeling in front of you. Coating the tip of his dick with your wetness, you whimpered at the contact. “You ready baby?” He didn’t want to overwhelm you, he wanted to always make you feel good. He knew that after an orgasm, you needed some time to adjust. Learning your quirks was his favorite thing to do. 

“Condom.” It was the only thing you could say, your mind still in a haze.

“A condom?” Angel chuckled, shaking his head. “You know you love it when I enter you bare, I haven’t been with anyone since we started everything, I told you, no one could even get me hard anymore besides you.” He ran his tip up and down your slit, slightly slipping in before pulling back out making you groan. “Come on baby, you know you love it when I enter you bare, just your warmth enveloping mine.” He sucked in that spot on your neck, making you even hotter, wetter. His hand moved up your body, settling on your breast, squeezing it. “It’s just you and me right?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you like it when I enter you bare, nothing separating us?” He slipped his tip again, and you have to agree, it did feel good, but you’ve never used a condom with Angel either. 

“Okay, just please fuck me.”

Angel let out a low chuckle, the low timber of his voice alone could make you cum. He entered you, watching as his dick slipped in, inch by inch, rubbing your clit to heightened your pleasure making it easier to slip in. “Fuck baby, I love watching how you stretch out cause of me. You like the feel baby, when I fucking stretch you out?”

You nod your head, scratching at his chest. “Harder.”

“Harder? I got you baby girl.” Angel thrusted into you harder, keeping his pace moderate to keep this going. He didn’t want this to end yet. He wanted you to cum as much as possible, penance for the way things played out with Diego. You tightened up around him, making Angel groan. “Jesus fucking Christ querida, I love how I can make you cum.” He stopped moving, keeping his cock buried inside you as he rubbed your clit, your orgasm hitting you. You gripped him tightly and he moaned along with you. 

“Does it always feel this good?”

“Only with me baby.” Angel slipped out of you, turning you on your stomach. “Stick your ass out, chest on the bed.” He slipped right back in, and he felt different for you. You two haven’t truly experimented with different positions yet, but this has to be one of your favorites.

“You feel so deep.” You grabbed the sheets again, your cheek against the mattress. “This shouldn’t feel this good.”

“But it does baby, you always take me so fucking well cause you’re fucking made for me.” Angel thrusted in and out, slow then fast, slow then fast, the alternating pace felt so good. “You ever let Diego in baby? You let that motherfucker touch what’s mine?”

You shook your head. You don’t know why, but you loved it when Angel called you his, it turned you on so much and the way he said it with such authority. You gasped as Angel drove into you harder. 

“Use your voice mi dulce, let me hear your answer.”

“No, just you.”

“I would have killed him for you. It drove me crazy knowing he was in here with you.” Angel felt a certain type of possession over you. Besides the fact that Angel was never the type of person to share someone he cherished dearly, but you love him and only him. You gave him something that you saved for the right person and he would never forget that. For the short amount of time you two knew one another, he got to know you so well as well. And how deeply he felt for you, it was suffocating at times and he couldn’t breathe till he was near you. He never knew love could this be fucking intense, but he was basking on it.

It drove him fucking insane, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

“He’s nothing to me.” 

Angel pulled you up by your hair, your back against his chest. “Damn fucking right he’s nothing to you. You’re everything to me.” He told you, his voice so warm and soft.

“You are to me too.”

Angel wrapped his arm around your chest, holding you against him as he thrusted into you. He was going faster and you felt yourself tightening up again. “Keep going Angel, fuck.” Hearing his breath against your ear, grunting, it was turning to fucking on. The way he held you tightly against him, it was even better. 

“I love it when you tighten up around me, cause I know you’re about to cum.” He pulled out making you whine. “But not yet.”

“Fuck, Angel.” You whimpered out.

Angel maneuvered you on your back again wasting no time to slip back inside you. “I need to see your face when you cum.” He leaned his forehead against yours, kissing you, sucking your bottom lip into his mouth. “I love your fucking mouth.” Intertwining your hands on either side of your head, Angel’s thrust was becoming sloppier so you knew his climax was near. You loved feeling his weight on you, it made it that much more intimate. “I’m cumming baby you almost there?”

You nodded your head. “Fuck, this feels so good.” You we’re already at the brink before and now you feel it coming again. Angel thrusted a few more times, burying deep into you when he came. You arched your back, his name coming out as a chant as you felt your legs quiver. 

Angel begrudgingly pulled out, a sigh escaping both of your lips when he did. “You want to shower baby?”

You shook your head, you couldn’t even keep your eyes open. Orgasms always made you feel spent, tired, all you wanted to do was sleep. You heard Angel chuckle as he cleaned you up. You used the last of your strength to go under your covers, Angel joining you shortly after. 

“Te amo mi alma.” You heard Angel whisper into your hair. “We have dinner with Bish tomorrow, is that cool?”

“Dinner? For what?”

“Just a family gathering.”

==============

Angel helped you off his bike, taking off your helmet for you. He got you a helmet a few months back for Christmas. You weren’t sure why he got it for you, but he always told you how he wanted to give you a ride on his bike. You’ve ridden with him before and you always enjoyed it, loving the feel of the air against your skin. It was so freeing.

“Before we go in, I want to talk to you about something.” Angel placed his hands on your hips.

“What’s up?” You had your hands on his flannel under his kute, playing with the ends of his shirt.

“Diego is here.” He should have spoken to you before coming here, but he was too distracted with your mouth around his cock. 

“I saw his bike,” you nodded towards Diego’s bike.

“Okay smartass.” Angel rolled his eyes. 

You both laughed. 

“I’m guessing Diego being here for a family gathering isn’t exactly a coincidence.” You noticed Taza, Coco and Tranq’s bike next to Diego’s. “Please don’t tell me you’re going to fuck him up again.”

“No, corazon, listen, Diego needs to understand that whatever you two had way back when, it’s fucking done and it’s never coming back.” Angel explained. 

“What are you going to do?” You were afraid to ask. Again, Diego got the beating he deserved from Angel already, you knew that Angel was itching to do it again, but you didn’t think it was necessary. Whatever Diego did, it was a distant memory now, especially with you being with Angel. Diego was like a bittersweet memory that you no longer cared for. 

“Your tio wants to assure that this shit with Diego is done, that when he goes back to Stockton, he doesn’t look back hoping you’re going to come for him.” Angel assessed your reaction and was relieved that you didn’t seem to care much. You were just waiting for him to get to the point. You agreed that your chapter with Diego should be closed, but you felt that this was something that was understood. There didn’t need to be this extra meeting about it.

“This is unnecessary, I feel like this is something that was handled a week or so ago.” You reasoned. “Angel, I love you, I’m with you, is that not enough?”

“This isn’t about me. This is about all the shit that happened years ago that you let slide due to your feelings and kindness, but we’re done with that baby. You don’t want to give Diego hope that somewhere down the road there’s a chance for you and him.” Angel was hesitant to talk about the future with you since he didn’t want to scare you off. Your relationship was quite new even though you two have known each other for a few years. But you were it for him, this was it. “I love you, I have no plans of letting you go and I hope you feel the same way.” God he hoped you did.

“Of course I do, I love you Angel. But I think that I’ve moved on from this whole thing with Diego, it isn’t an issue.” Maybe you were downplaying it, but you were with Angel and you weren’t one to cheat. And you’re quite certain that there was no longer a friendship between you and Diego. There was too much hurt associated in your relationship. “What are you going to do?”

“Give Diego an ultimatum, if he wants to remain a Mayan, he can’t contact you or speak to you unless you initiate it. But if he wants to keep on trying my patience and pursue you, then he’s stripped of his patch.”

“Santo Padre isn’t his charter.”

“Yeah well El Padrino signed off on it before he left. Ramos has no choice if Diego decides to give up his patch.”

You bit your lip, moving away from Angel. You wouldn’t want them to take away Diego’s patches from him. Regardless of how much he was favored because of you, he worked hard for them. 

“Mi dulce, you don’t seem happy.” He frowned.

“This is why I didn’t want to bring this up. I don’t want him to lose his patch over me, he worked hard for those. Yeah, Diego is an asshole and what happened three years ago was painful, but it’s done. I’ve moved on, isn’t that enough for everyone else to do so?” You didn’t understand why they were so hellbent on punishing Diego. Like what your Tio Bishop said, his punishment was losing you or whatever reasoning he had given you. 

“Why are you protecting him?” Angel was starting to become irritated by your response. Did you not want Diego to stop speaking to you?

“I’m not protecting him.”

“Sure fucking seems like it.”

You sighed. “I don’t want to argue Angel.”

“What’s there to argue about, you obviously want to keep fucking talking to the prick.” Ange made his way towards the front door, leaving you by his bike. He was trying to push his temper down. You two just recently made up and now, well, you were being fucking unreasonable.

“Angel,” you groaned. “That’s not what it is. You know how much I hate drama and how I deviate away from the center of attention, I don’t fucking want this for him. He was my friend once, I’m not going to lie to you and say I don’t care about him anymore, not as much as before, but I know the club is his life.”

“That’s not the fucking point. He humiliated you years ago, you gave up so much for him just to let that bitch treat you the way she did. I’m trying to protect you here, to make sure he could never hurt you again.”

“But he can’t hurt me anymore cause I don’t care about him anymore. I’m not trying to protect him, I just don’t want someone to lose their place because of me.”

“Well he shouldn’t have fucking gotten it in the first place!” Angel didn’t mean to yell at you, but it was frustrating him how you couldn’t see why they were doing what they were doing. “Why can’t you put some value in yourself? You mean the world to so many people, I know you don’t want fighting battles for you, but this isn’t a battle. It’s removing a problem. You know Diego well, he’s not going to give up on you.”

“He told me he would.” That was a weak argument. Even though he did tell you he was going to give up, that he was going to walk away, you weren’t exactly sure how much of that was true. 

“When I realized that I love you, I knew I would never give you up. His feelings are not as intense as mine, but if his desire is as great as mine to keep you around, then he’s not going to give up just cause he claims he would. I’m sure he’s holding off that you two could become friends.” 

“You don’t know him Angel.”

“And you fucking do? Querida, why the fuck are we even discussing this? Plans already in motion, he stays the fuck away, he keeps his patch, if he doesn’t then he’s signing his death warrant.” It was simple for Angel. He didn’t care for Diego, it was just irritating him that it seemed that you did. 

“Then I’m not going inside.”

“Fine, don’t.”

You watched as Angel walked in, leaving you outside. You saw Diego by the window, looking out at you. Angel passed by him, giving you one last look before walking away from the window. You really didn’t care about Diego, but you weren’t going to let him get hurt again. He was your friend long ago, you weren’t the type of person to just stand by knowing something awful away about to happen. 

Walking to the front door, you opened it and Diego was right there to greet you. 

“Can you take me home?” You questioned, trying to keep your voice low so that none of the other members would hear.

“Yeah, sure.” He gave you an odd, confused look but took his helmet.

“Where the fuck are you going?” You heard Angel question.

“I’m going home, Diego can take me home.” 

“The fuck you are.” Angel was livid before but he was beyond it now. You wanted to go home, that’s fine, he would rather not have you hear when he fucking beat him again, but there was no fucking way Diego was taking you home. “Coco can take you home.”

“No, Diego is going to take me home. Is that okay tio?” Angel just chuckled, irritated that you would use your tio knowing he didn’t have authority over that.

Bishop knew that you wouldn’t be in agreement with their plan. He agreed to this to make up for not doing anything all those years ago and to appease Angel. He was protective over you and Bishop was glad that you found someone who cared for you as much as Angel did. This wasn’t going to blow over for Angel or Diego till Angel made it clear that you were off limits and Diego would stay away.

But at the same time, maybe it would be better for you to tell Diego to stay away. As stupid as Diego was, he knew how to follow orders. If you simply asked him to stay away, he would. And if it didn’t work then Angel could beat it in him.

“Yeah, of course sweetheart.”

“No, I can take her home.” Angel wasn’t going to let Diego take you home. 

Diego stood in front of you, further aggravating Angel.

“Get the fuck out of my way. She’s my girlfriend, if I want to bring her home, then I’ll fucking do it.” Angel got into Diego’s face. You knew that things were going to pop off soon. Angel was already pissed and Diego’s demeanor was definitely not helping. 

“Y/N, do you want Angel to take you home?”

“No, you can take me home.” You knew that was a mistake, but you were trying to save bloodshed here. Angel spoke about putting a bullet in him all the time and the last thing you wanted was another body for Angel to bury. “I just need to talk to him Angel.”

“Then talk to him outside, you’re not fucking leaving.”

You sighed. 

Compromise. 

Compromise. 

“Fine, I can do that.” 

Diego followed you outside and you both sat on the steps of your tio’s porch. You rested your arms on your knees, your foot tapping as the anxiety of talking to Diego overtook you. 

“You okay?” Diego knew what you were going to say. It didn’t escape him how suspicious it was that only certain people were here tonight, but he knew what was coming and he deserved it.

“I want you to know that you were my best friend. All the times we spent together the good, the bad, and the ugly, I cherished them because they’ve taught me plenty of things.” You purses your lips, trying your best to keep your foot from shaking up and down. “But we’ve also grown apart.” Looking at him, you knew that he knew what you were trying to say. That it wasn’t ideal, but he understood. 

“You remember when we graduated high school and we talked about what we wanted out of life?” Your eyebrows furrowed, trying to recall the memory he spoke of. You vaguely remember it since you were quite tipsy. 

“Not really. Did you record it?” You teased.

Diego chuckled. “Well, it’s cause you’re a lightweight.” He ruffled your hair. “But you talked about what you wanted for the future, that you wanted to leave Stockton, go down south. How you wanted to get married, have kids, get a decent job. And you know what you said that really stuck to me?”

“What?”

“That you wanted to be happy. And at first I thought I could make you happy, that’s not a problem whatsoever. But I realize how many times I’ve hurt you, failed to protect you. Then I tried to ruin your relationship with Angel because I thought I could finally make you happy like I wanted to do so all those years ago. To make it up to you.” Diego bitterly smiled. “Guess I’m too late right?”

Your eyes began to water. All the things you’ve wanted to hear from Diego was happening, you weren’t making it up in your head. But you missed your friendship with Diego, you two had a solid friendship before feelings were out in place. But things couldn’t be the same anymore, things were just so different now. 

“Yeah, you are.”

“It really hurts to see how happy you are with him, how much you love him.” Diego chuckled. “But I can accept that as long as you're happy cause regardless of everything, that’s all I wanted.”

“I need you to stay away from me. Our past is our past and I want to keep it that way. Maybe someday when things are better we can be friends again, but it’s better we keep our distance.” 

Diego nodded his head, standing up and making his way down the stairs. “If he ever breaks your heart, I’m here for you.”

“Don’t fucking worry, I won’t.” 

You turned around, surprised to hear Angel’s voice, but at the same time you weren’t. You didn’t exactly close the door and you knew Angel would stay close by. 

“Take care of her Reyes.” Diego hated that this was happening, he was sick to his stomach, but he meant it. All he wanted was for you to be happy. 

“Don’t need you telling me that, but I will Diegito.”

“Am I allowed to hug her?”

“That’s up to her.”

You nodded your head. He held out his hand, which you took. He wrapped his arms around you and you hugged him as well. He kissed the side of your head, whispering ‘I love you’. He let you go and took you in one last time before walking towards his bike. 

You turned towards Angel, and he was leaning against the post at the top of the stairs of the porch. You walked up, and he watched until Diego was out of sight.

“Had fun down memory lane?” Angel turned to face you.

“Angel, you know that’s not what that was. I love you, I love that you want to fight my battles for me, that you want to protect me, but Diego was always a personal thing and I wanted to be the one to tell him to stay away.”

“I heard.” Angel sighed. “You’re so fucking frustrating. All I want is to be there for you and protect you, yet you couldn’t even let me do that.”

“It’s not about that, we’re a team, but this one is really just on me.” 

“Exactly, we’re a team. Baby, you have to meet me halfway here. I love you, seeing how hurt you were when you first told me about him, how you were in distress when he first came into town, that was painful. The last thing I want is for you to be hurt.”

“But you can’t always prevent that, I have to learn things on my own too.”

Angel walked over to you, cupping your face, leaning his forehead against yours. “I know, but sometimes, it’s just hard for me.”

You wrapped your arms around Angel, resting your head on his chest. He kissed the top of your head. He was a bastard and there were parts of him who didn’t think he deserved you, but it was the one voice he could push aside. He wasn’t sure how he could live without you and he would rather not try.

“I’ll try to be better at it, I know you can fight your own battles mama’s, but I’m just overprotective over you.” Angel’s hand soothingly moves up and down your back. 

“Which I appreciate, but sometimes, all I need is to know you have my back.”

“And I fucking do, you know I do.” 

“You two lovebirds done? We’re fucking starving.” Coco interrupted their moment. Seeing their misty eyes, Coco cringed. “My bad, but I’m fucking hungry, Bish said we can’t eat till you two are inside.”

“Oh my god.” You playfully rolled your eyes.

You’re not sure how you landed this family, but you were definitely glad that they were here to stay.

[just-anka]

I realised I haven’t really regularly posted here since like... I don’t even know, September? It’s been a while, anyway. A lot happened, and I now feel like actually writing a post for the first time in a while, so here goes haha. The first bullet point is entirely work waffle so feel free to skip. Apologies in advance for the fact that this post will probably reach novel length by the time I’m done. 

• I took a week off in late September before Ben started his new job so we could go to the mountains for a bit, and it was a much-needed little break from work. And pretty much right after I got back, work got completely mental - nothing bad as such, just one thing after the other, loads of deadlines, so many important things. First I was finishing up data for a paper (first authorship was being debated which is partially why I threw myself into the job so much, but it looks like it’ll be the PhD student before me’s now, which is how it should be tbh, it’s much more hers than it is mine), then the date for my first committee meeting was set and I suddenly had only two weeks to prepare (did not think it was going to be that short notice, whoops, had a very stressful two weeks but all went well - for us, this meeting means presenting our research plan and preliminary data to a committee of four professors so they can give you input, it’s not suuuper formal but still pretty stressful), then I had to write the report for that (I love writing so that one was okay), then there was suddenly a lot to do for a really important cooperation with a company (big money responsibility which stressed me the fuck out), and then, just as I thought I was pretty much done for the year, I realised I needed my lab book up to date for my end of year meeting with my PI (which wouldn’t be such a big deal, except I didn’t have a lab book at the time. Never got around to starting one. So nine months of lab book were written within another very stressful week). Whew. Even writing this out makes me feel like that was a lot haha. 

• After the end of year discussion, I really was done for the year - I officially worked until the 23rd but there was not that much actual work happening, and with the pressure off after months, I properly crashed for a few days. Ben left for England on the weekend after to see his family for christmas etc, and I spent most of that weekend sleeping and doing very little. It was needed. Then my mum came to visit me for the holidays and we had four really lovely days together, also involving a lot of chilling (the only actual thing we did was that magical winter hike that I posted some pictures of the other day). 

• And now I’m skiing! I was planning to go to England as well for NYE to see Ben’s family, but with the corona situation escalating again lately I decided it was too risky for just a few days. So I made a last-minute plan to go skiing by myself instead, because all that involves is a 2 hour train journey. I’m actually staying in a hotel too, which I’ve never done by myself before, I’m usually a dorm in a hostel type of person, but well. Covid has changed a lot of things :D trying to stay safe and away from people, which is of course not entirely possible in a ski resort, but it’s going okay. The skiing itself is great, it’s really nice having some time to go at my own pace and a few days in a row. Today was day 4 and I’ve really found my groove again (more on that later). There’s not much snow though so not many off-pisteing opportunities :/ I’m staying until Monday and then it’s back to work on Wednesday. 

• Speaking of skiing, we’ve got season passes this year, my first season and Ben’s second. We’ve just been doing on the weekends so far - since the 21st of November I just realised while looking back in my calendar! That’s one hell of an early season start haha. We did just one day three weekends and then one full weekend right before Ben left. The first few days were bloody hard. For context, I learned to ski before I learned to walk and loved it as a child, then stopped for a few years because I felt like I wasn’t progressing anymore and was getting bored with it, basically. Then last January I went to France with Ben and his skiing friends and got introduced to freeriding and the idea of ski touring, and now I’m back to loving it haha. I’d ideally like to not have to resort ski anymore at one point (meaning touring) because I know it’s terrible from an environmental standpoint but... idk. It’s currently my only option, and I love it a lot, so I guess it feels okay? Anyway, since I learned to ski so early, it’s the one sport that I’ve always been pretty good at and like, never get scared, at least not on piste. Until this year. The first three individual days were just all kind of horrible, the conditions weren’t ideal with very hard surface and tons of ice and pretty busy slopes, and only steep terrain open as well (Engelberg, our “home” resort - we have a season pass that encompasses a bunch of resorts so we’re not limited to one - is literally dead flat beginner’s slopes, which weren’t open in the beginning, or red runs that should be black and black lol). Pairing loads of ice with my old skis which barely have an edge anymore was... not ideal. I was so scared constantly and it made me like I lost all my ability etc etc. But yeah, turns out I just needed a few days and some easier conditions to get back into it, and now ice and steep stuff and everything is fine again. Who would’ve thought. (a sensible person, probably). 

• But then, the full weekend we skied in December was awesome! Saturday already felt much better and then it snowed a bunch over night and Sunday we spent all day powder skiing, basically. I learned SO much and just had an absolute ball! Definitely one of the best days skiing I’ve had, and one of the best days recently in general. 

• Plus that whole weekend was just lovely, car camping in a campsite full of huge campervans was pretty fun :D I love the looks we get when people see the car and clearly wonder where we sleep. And we’ve got our setup perfected for winter now so both the nights were toasty. Friday night we had dinner in “bed” watching a movie, and Saturday night we sat in the little kitchen (the campsite has it open for everyone, but everyone else there has a camper, so it doesn’t seem to be used much) drinking tea and playing cards and ahh. Camping in the mountains. My ideal life eh? (though the weekend before this wonderful one, we got snowed in because it dumped over a metre over night completely unexpectedly and that was stressful as hell, but I think that’s a story for another day, if ever, I’m kind of trying to forget that day :’D) 

• Yesterday I also finally took the plunge and ordered new skis. Been debating for ages which ones to get but I’ve finally decided and I’m now very excited! 

• Ok this post so far reads as “work and skiing” which is pretty much what November and December were and probably what January is going to be too haha. Ben and I want to ski another week together end of January as well, and there’s some big exciting work things coming up as well. 

• Even though I have to admit, now that I’m on a break, I’ve spent a lot of time dreading work and questioning my career choices and all of that lark... sigh. I love my job most of the time, but I kind of hate having a job? If that makes sense? Sometimes (okay a lot of the time) I just wish I had more time for other things that I care about. But I also now I’m lucky to have that job, especially this year, and lucky to have a job I don’t hate, and get to do a lot of fun stuff on the side, even if it often means little sleep and downtime. 

• Speaking of things I care about, I was on a proper roll with writing for a few days before and after Christmas. It’s ebbed off again a bit, but it was still pretty cool, and my totally-useless-all-cheese-project is now 33,000+ words long and like, half-way there story wise. Had a lot of fun with that. 

• Lastly, Ben is still in England, and he’s coming back next Sunday, and I can’t wait! I miss him so much when we’re not together it’s actually silly. Although it’s less stressful this time than the last few times because... we live together, his work just offered him an unlimited contract from January, and I’m stuck here for another 2-3 years, so it looks like we’ll actually get to be in the same place for now. Which is all I wished for last year, and I’m so damn grateful - that stability really is the best thing 2020 has brought for me. And, as he said, even though we were apart for the start of the new year, it will hopefully bring more time together than any previous year ♡

• Okay I think this is long enough now, if you actually made it until here you’re a hero and I will try and post a bit more regularly again now to avoid this size of mind dump :’D I hope you all got into the new year alright, it feels very strange to me that it’s 2021 because I actually slept through midnight on new year’s for the first time since I was tiny haha but I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way! 

[artificialqueens]

Lemon's Misadventures in Dating, Chapter 3 (Lemon x Everyone) - Mermelada

A/N Hi everyone, I’ve been sitting on this chapter for a wee while but couldn’t quite get it right, so I hope this will do! Lots of love to you all!

As soon as Lemon had arrived home after her date with Kyne – at 9 o’clock the following morning – she flopped onto her bed and checked her phone. She opened the app to be greeted with a number of new messages.

[08:48] Hope you got home safe baby, please try not to fall in love with me now xx

The first one she read, from Kyne, made her chuckle, she’d actually had a really, REALLY good time last night. It turned out that there was actually a very easy way to get the girl to stop talking. Kyne had every reason to be cocky, and Lemon hadn’t been made to feel so good for a very long time. She had even managed to go a couple of hours without thinking of her. Speaking of her, they still hadn’t matched, which was definitely for the best, as Lemon didn’t think she could stand the inescapable mutual awkwardness if they did. But then did that mean that Juice had swiped left on her? Deciding to stop the mental tennis before it got out of hand, she pulled up the bottom message on her list, from yesterday.

[16:04] Bonjour hi, Miss Lemon! Tu parles français? Or am I needing to practice my English? :-) 

Rita. From her profile, she looked every bit the no-shit-taking dom top with a major mommy’s little girl kink, but her message was kind of sweet. The fact she had even bothered to check what language Lemon spoke was cute, she supposed, but she crossed her fingers that Rita had an edge and wasn’t all politeness and niceties. Now that Lemon had had her first taste of Tinder hook-ups, she was ready to dive in with no fear. Well maybe just a tiny bit of fear. She quickly typed out a reply, partly assisted by the internet, and sent it off.

[09:09] I’m assuming you don’t count ‘voulez-vous coucher avec moi’ as proper French 😉

Is it completely cliché and unoriginal? Yes. Has Rita probably already received hundreds of messages saying the same thing? Yes. But I’m tired and still feeling fucked out, so it’ll do. If she likes me, she’ll bite. Hopefully for real, soon…

Following on, she finally had a reply from Kiara.

[19:20] Hi girlie! I am SO sorry for replying so late, I have been working all day and all night this week ☹️ but seeing your profile made me feel better 🙂 how are you??

Double-checking quickly in case she’d missed something important, she realised that the girl’s profile didn’t say what she did as a job, so that seemed like a good place to start.

[09:13] Don’t worry at all, hon! But I’m glad I can help 😉 I’m doing okay thanks, and u? What do you do for work? x

Is a kiss on the end too forward or too friendly, she pondered, trying to remember if she’d done the same for Rita and Kyne before her. It’s done now, I’ll soon find out, I guess!

[23:56] You’re named after the wrong fruit, because you’re definitely a fineapple

The third message was from Boa, who she must have matched with during the night. She loved it. She wanted it on a cross-stitch, framed above her bed. She’d definitely made the right choice with this girl. Now, how to match her at her own game… 

[09:15] You udderly impressed me with that one!

As soon as it had sent, Lemon was hit with a massive wave of self-doubt: what if Boa didn’t get the pun and just thought she was weird? She’d always thought she was quite funny, but what if that was all a lie? There was still time to rectify it.

[09:15] Because of the cow costume, get it?

[09:15] It’s so cute!!!

[09:16] You seem really fun 😀

[09:16] And it helps that your hot

[09:16] You’re^ 

Shit shit shitting shit, that is way overboard for a reply. What the fuck have I done? Oh dear lord, well Boa, it was nice knowing ya! I don’t blame you for blocking me and running to the hills!

Some more general swiping ensued as Lemon awaited some replies, she started aimlessly swiping again through the single ladies of Ontario.

Scarlett, 29

Within 10 miles

Hmm, she looks like she has a bit of filler in those lips but she still looks hot, I like her tattoos, and HOLY SHIT SHE’S EATING FIRE fuck yeah, okay Scarlett! I’ll take that!

Ilona, 25

Within 10 miles

Okay I love her make-up, I love her style… all her photos are selfies, does that mean she has no friends? Don’t be silly, Lem, my camera roll is full of selfies and I’m just fine. I think. Hey, Ilona!

Starzy, 38

Within 10 miles

Oh wow, she’s hot. Her bio literally says, “Call me mother”. That has to be the hottest thing I have ever read, yes please!

After a few more likes and dislikes, Kiara’s name lit up at the top of her screen. Not wanting to seem too keen, she waited a monumental thirty seconds before checking the message.

[09:22] I work on a movie set, but nothing glamorous, I help with hair and makeup. It pays my rent 🙂 I am pretty tired today but I have a deadline soon so I have to keep writing ☹️ where do you work? x

Just as she was thinking of the best way to word her current, work-less situation, a reply also came in from Rita, which Lemon accidentally clicked on sooner than she meant to, completely blowing her cool façade.

[09:25] I’ve never heard that one before…

Lemon’s heart sank at the thought of her impending rejection, but a new message arrived seconds later.

[09:25] At least look up how to say it less formally, I’m not that old!!!!

Smiling at the thought of Rita not automatically hating her – not outright rejecting her – Lemon started to type a reply, but stopped when a third message appeared.

[09:26] Mais si je dis oui, es-tu vraiment libre ce soir? ;-)

Somehow, the more Lemon stared at the words, the less sense they made. She now severely regretted passing her time in French class admiring Madame Benet’s assortment of leopard-print clothing, rather than actually learning. But there was a winky face at the end, which made her heart race, even without understanding the rest of it. Highlighting the text and taking it straight to Google, she couldn’t help but bite her lip as she got Rita’s point.

[09:30] Wee wee, madame 💛 give me a place and a time xx

As much as she may have been looking forward to a good night’s sleep tonight, she still felt the swarm of butterflies flap around her tummy at the thought of Rita’s hands on her, telling her she was a good girl… Don’t get carried away yet, dummy, save it for tonight! I need a cold shower if I’m going to survive the next few hours. Before jumping into action mode, though, the first thing Lemon needed was a nap.

Rousing awake a few hours later, she padded downstairs to make herself a sandwich and a tea, continuously checking her phone with the hope tha Rita had replied. Met with silence, she then took her time to shower, deep conditioning her golden blonde hair and shaving everywhere she could, so she could at least feel better prepared than she had yesterday. Not that a grown-up adult lady like Rita would mind, of course, but it’s all part of getting in the zone, Lemon hummed to herself as she let the water wash away any anxiety she might have had about tonight. 

She already knew what underwear she would wear: her favourite black bra with a light furry trim around the cup, and a lacy black thong. She was so sure that Rita was on the same page about how the night would end, she felt like she didn’t have to worry too much about what went over it, opting for indigo skinny jeans and a beige polo-neck. By the time she had finished her makeup, it was almost 5pm, and she still didn’t know the plan. Sitting up on her bed, contemplating how she would explain to her parents that she was spending the night out again, she once again opened the app, hoping that Rita hadn’t backed down. With still no reply, she couldn’t help the frustration which bubbled inside her, she didn’t spend so long stretching to shave the backs of her thighs for nothing! Even more discouraging was the lack of reply from Kiara… until she looked at the last message sent, and realised that she’d unwittingly left the poor girl on read.

Shit, I thought I’d replied already! That explains it… now how to explain that I’m a dancer who doesn’t dance anymore and has moved back in with my parents with no ambition to find anything else anytime soon?

[16:58] You’re a busy lady! What do you study? 😊

[16:59] I’m a dancer, currently hopping from audition to audition, hoping somebody likes me enough!

The reality was that Lemon hadn’t attended any auditions for over a month. She had tried to throw herself into her work after the break-up, but had soon realised that with a broken heart came an enormous lack of drive. She told the contemporary company she was a member of that she needed a break, and they told her to not bother coming back. So here she was, hoping that one day she’d once again wake up with a flame inside of her. Luckily, Kiara didn’t push her to expand on anything just yet.

[17:04] So a bit like Tinder then! Don’t worry, I’m sure lots of people will like you enough… in dance and Tinder!

[17:05] I study film and theatre, it’s fun 🙂 but a lot of essays to write in English which takes me forever lol

[17:06] That makes me sound like an idiot!! I promise I’m not, just Québéquoise!! 

[17:06] Are you from Toronto? 🙂

Well at least if tonight doesn’t go ahead, I’ve still got a French option for the future, she sighed, running her fingers through her hair as she thought of an answer. 

[17:08] Haha, I believe you 😉 my dad is from Portugal, but I think there are 2 year olds who speak better Portuguese than I do 🥺 

[17:08] That sounds super interesting! Your job on the side must help a bit then?

[17:08] And I am, Toronto gal born and bred! How long have you lived here?

Just as she was about to put her phone down for the evening and fall into another nap, the message she’d been waiting for finally arrived, and Lemon found herself scrambling to read it.

[17:09] Sorry, lovely Lemon, work was kicking my ass all day. Does Mado’s at 8pm work for you? X

Lemon couldn’t resist one final reply, cementing her intentions.

[17:10] Sounds great, I’m sure I can help that ass feel better 😘 see you soon!! 💛💛

A/N It’s me again, your friendly neighbourhood translator!

“Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” - Do you want to sleep with me tonight?

“Mais si je dis oui, es-tu vraiment libre ce soir?” - But if I say yes, are you really free tonight?

[bitterlemonwater]

Would you ever consider writing something with Stephen Strange and Peter? 🥺 The rarepair is truly lacking and I feel like you could make something perfectly smutty out of post-Endgame taking Peter under Stephen's (magical) wing, or doctor AU

Endg*me who? I don’t know her. Smutty non-powered doctor au (that’s much more of a club au than a proper doctor au) it is. I’ve only written Stephen x Peter once before so?? Hope you like it anon bby

Peter’s age is unspecified, Strange has post-Sorcerer Supreme facial hair bc I said so, hand jobs, non-graphic but explicitly mentioned violence (Peter gets mugged in the beginning), clubbing, inaccurate medical procedures?? i’m not a doctor and have never worked in a hospital lol. 5k

—-

Peter wakes up in a hospital bed. 

He remembers leaving his apartment. He remembers zipping his wallet into one jacket pocket and slipping his phone into the other, his hand wrapped around it. He remembers turning all the right corners and dodging a cyclist and sniffling in the chilly weather. 

He doesn’t remember why or how he—

Oh, no, wait. Yeah. He remembers that.

The three thugs that had caught him by the hood of his jacket and yanked him into a murky alleyway between two run down hole-in-the-walls, both of which were closed for the night by the time Peter finally had time to run his errands. Milk and printer paper from a 24/7 Target hadn’t seemed like they would be a problem, but. That’s a sketchy neighborhood in New York, he supposes. 

He’d handed over his wallet without a fight (because contrary to popular belief, he doesn’t actually have a death wish) and was giving up his phone when May started calling him. 

Apparently the buzzing and loud ringtone (what? He has unfortunately selective hearing—sometimes it just gets tuned out and he needs volume to catch his attention) and potential red alert freaked the guys out, because one swatted his phone out of his grip and before he could raise his hands in surrender, someone decked him in the face.

And now he’s in a hospital bed. 

The window shades are half opened but there’s no light coming in, and the light in the room is off, only a dim lamp illuminating everything—so it must still be nighttime. Hopefully the same night, but Peter won’t push his luck. 

His head throbs like hell and he sits up slowly. The chair beside his bed keeps his shoes and jacket in reassuring view, but other than that, he’s been blessed to keep his regular clothes on. (Definitely the same night, then. Maybe he’ll only have been out for a few hours?)

For a few minutes, Peter just sits still on the bed, breathing, rubbing his temples. He really hopes he doesn’t have a concussion. This one hospital visit is going to suck to pay off—especially if he was brought in by an ambulance—and he’d rather not add follow up appointments to the bill. 

It’s not long before a nurse stops by. He turns on the lights and it makes Peter cringe, but not as awfully as he’s heard concussions usually make bright lights. There’s still hope, then.

The nurse asks him how he’s feeling and if he’s in any pain, then takes down his information, explains that he’s only been out for three hours and that it’s currently one in the morning. Peter tells him about getting mugged and he responds by saying they’ll have an officer come down to talk to him after he is released from care. 

The nurse finishes by asking if there’s anyone Peter would like to call. Peter debates saying no, but he can already hear May yelling at him if he tries to walk himself home after this, so he gives them Ned’s number and lays back down. 

“Alright. Doctor Strange will be here look you over in a moment.” The nurse says. Doctor Strange? Doctor, Strange. Strange. Why does that sound familiar?

While the nurse gives him two pills for the pain, Peter tries to recall where he’s heard that name before, wracking his brain and only coming up with incomplete thoughts and almost-resurrected memories. He knows he’s heard that before. He just can’t figure out where.

He’s already decided to awkwardly ask the doctor if they’ve met before when the door opens again.

In steps a man half turned away from him, tall and not quite broad but definitely fit and muscled under his white coat. He’s wearing pale blue scrubs and has a stethoscope around his neck, clipboard in his hands. His hair is brown with the slightest bit of grey, that much Peter can see, with killer cheekbones.

It’s not until the guy finishes whatever quiet conversation he was having and turns towards Peter, uncapping a pen and finally facing the younger that it clicks. 

Shit.

Three weeks earlier

Usually after a rough week of classes and work, Peter is exhausted. He’s tired and he just wants to sleep for fourteen hours, then have food delivered directly to his bed so he doesn’t have to get up for a full twenty four. 

This week it is the opposite. He’s keyed up and anxious to do something. He feels a little detached from himself, and he wants to do something outrageous. He wants an adrenaline rush that will take all his extra energy with it once it fades.

MJ suggests partaking in a protest somewhere, but a quick search tells him there aren’t any nearby that night, and not that Peter doesn’t feel just as passionate about good causes and taking action, but standing with a sign and chanting with a crowd isn’t really the thrill he’s looking for to vent how wound up he is. 

Ned suggests clubbing. Peter likes that idea a lot better. 

He loses his best friend within the first twenty minutes they spend at the bar. It’s not too high end that it actually requires an entrance fee, but it’s a respectable enough place that they definitely wouldn’t have been able to afford more than two drinks.

Which is why they got plenty tipsy before they went into the club. 

Which is why after attractive strangers keep buying Peter shots and sweet bubbly things (as if he can’t handle his liquor, but whatever, he won’t say no to free alcohol) he’s hammered. 

Not black-out wasted, of course. Peter knows his limits well enough to know exactly when he’s having fun, but not too clumsy or cloudy to get in real trouble. But he’s definitely drunk. Definitely, definitely drunk.

Normally Peter isn’t the type to be comfortable in a crowded club full of sweaty bodies, everyone in short dresses and tight button ups that show off all the round and firm parts.

On that note, he hadn’t really had much for a “sexy” outfit other than a blush pink satin t-shirt that MJ said made him look “fuckable” and fitted black chinos. 

But normally Peter doesn’t feel like he’ll explode if he doesn’t find some way to work off pent up nerves. So when girls put their hands on his shoulders and roll and sway their hips, and random guys grab him by the waist and pull his ass flush to their fronts—he laughs and grinds back. 

He flits between partners for the better part of an hour, really only stopping to get free water from the bar or have various old fashioned, rocks, shot, and cocktail glasses slid his way—or to go to the bathroom.

He sees Ned a couple times, always across the room with a girl practically melting into him. Ned’s always had a better sense of rhythm than Peter, but that’s the nice thing about club music. 

You don’t really need rhythm. You just have to move and you’ll either fit the song anyways or someone else will help you along. 

He only takes a few sips of each drink he’s offered, and some he does refuse with a cheeky smile about not getting drunk, even though he’s very drunk already.

Peter’s just left a man (and a half empty glass) at the bar, one who’s already bought him two very sparkling blue drinks and who definitely watches his ass each time he walks away, when he runs into someone. Literally, bumps into them, and though they’re barely thrown off balance and Peter is mid not-sexy-at-all apology, the person steadies both hands on his waist. 

They’re nice hands. Firm but not uncomfortably possessive or rough, pliable enough to move with the way Peter shifts and sways without letting even an ounce of space get under his grip. 

“Hello there,” the man says. Peter looks up and sees a goddamn devilishly handsome face, well trimmed facial hair and piercing grey-green eyes. Probably mid 30’s. Sharply defined cheekbones and jaw. Hot. 

“Hi,” Peter giggles. Giggles like a ditzy idiot, but the man doesn’t seem to mind. 

“You’re a pretty little thing, aren’t you?” He says, and he rakes his gaze up and down Peter’s body in the most shameless way. Peter grins and bites his lip, not shying away from eye contact when the man looks up again. 

“You’re not too bad lookin’ yourself.” 

The man grins, then tugs Peter forward by the waist. Peter doesn’t hesitate to grind forward, one hand on the guy’s chest and the other rising to a tall shoulder, swaying and stepping into the man’s space. 

It earns him a pleased smirk, and the guy drags him closer, walks him back into the messy crowd so they can dance. 

He’s hot, ok, and Peter’s been getting groped and felt up for the last hour and a half, so when he feels a sizable bulge press against him and moves flush with the solid body in front of, beside, behind him—sue him, he gets hard. Really hard. 

Really, really fucking hard. 

As in, he needs to get off in the bathroom right fucking now. 

“Having fun, baby?” The guy asks. His mouth is right next to Peter’s ear, hips rubbing against Peter’s ass, and one hand reaches down to boldly cup Peter’s clothed dick. 

Peter whines and nods, pulling off the guy, fully intending to abandon ship and jerk off in a hopefully not too gross toilet stall. The man grabs his wrist as he steps away, but doesn’t drag him back or try to guide him elsewhere. He just follows Peter through the crowd, landing them both in the bathroom. 

When Peter turns around with the goal of seductively asking if the man wants to help him out or not, he’s met by plush lips rushing to his own. The guy tastes like hard alcohol, like whiskey and bourbon and nothing like the marshmallow vodka Peter and Ned used to get tipsy or the sweet bubbly things Peter’s been offered all night. 

The man walks them through the bathroom door and locks it behind them, as if there aren’t stalls they could easily slip into. For some reason the lights are actually dimmer inside the restroom and the music has no problem slipping through the crack under the door, deafening outside but loud enough to mostly cover up the wet sounds of their kissing.

Peter kisses him hard and messy, wrapping his arms around the guy’s neck and grinding forward, trying to get some friction on his aching cock. The man smirks into the kiss, nipping at Peter’s bottom lip and licking from the bottom of his chin back into his mouth, one hand venturing downwards to cup his erection again.

The man’s hands are so steady, nothing sloppy or uncoordinated about him. He doesn’t tremble or slip up at all, doesn’t hold too tight, doesn’t move to fast but he doesn’t slow down for a second to let Peter breathe. He rubs at Peter’s dick through his slacks, fingers mapping out the shape and digging his palm right where the tip is, making Peter keen into the kiss. 

It doesn’t take long for the guy to get tired with feeling him up over his pants. He unbuttons the chinos easily and tugs down the zipper, slipping his hand under Peter’s boxers too. 

His hand isn’t particularly cold or hot but god does it feel good, having smooth, solid skin to rub against. The man strokes him with purpose a few times, not teasing him or trying to draw out any more of the moans that Peter graciously supplies. Flicking his wrist over the head, cupping and squeezing his balls, tight but not too tight, easing the way with precome. 

And then he stops, just holding, and with a desperate moan Peter picks up where he left off, grinding into the man’s fist, thrusting his hips up and forward into the friction.

He gets close embarrassingly fast (or it would be embarrassing if he could care), his legs shaking and arms tense and abdominal clenched as pressure and pleasure quickly pool in the pit of his stomach.

Peter whimpers into the kiss, all tongue and want, threading his fingers in the older man’s brown (possibly black? It’s dark in here) hair while he’s squeezed tightly against hard muscle by an arm around his waist. 

“Gonna-”

“Do it. Come on, baby, wanna see your pretty face when you do,” the man cuts him off. Peter nods, just nods and bites his lip and lets his head fall back, baring his neck and face to the world (or, really, just to the man jerking him off) as he tips over the edge. 

He moans so loudly that if someone was waiting on the other side of the door they’d hear him over the music. He doesn’t care, though. It’s one of the best orgasms he’s ever had, the build up and being pushed over by such dexterous hands with that deep voice groaning and whispering praise in his ear. 

He soaks his already precome-ruined boxers with release and slumps against the man, needing a second to breathe and collect himself. The guy lets him lean for a few moments, but then turns him around, drawing Peter’s back against him and pinning the smaller man between himself and the counter. 

It’s probably a gross counter, classy bar or otherwise. Peter doesn’t care. He folds his arms on it and rests his forehead on the backs of his hands, letting the man behind him grind into his ass. 

Bare, if Peter picks that up right, the hardly audible shuffle of a belt and zipper, the much more defined feeling cock rubbing against him. He doesn’t care about that, either. If his ass gets stained by this gorgeous Greek god’s come, then he can just borrow Ned’s jacket to wrap around his waist when they leave. 

Will it be embarrassing? Yes. Will Ned let him live it down? Not likely.

Will it be worth it? Yes. 

And it’s not that he’s not present and interested, but he’s definitely a little floaty and the songs outside get caught swimming in his head, and he has a feeling it takes the man longer to come than Peter thinks it does.

Either way, when the guy does climax, he pulls away from Peter and catches it in his hands, washing it away in the sink beside the younger’s nearly collapsed body. 

“You ok there?” The man asks. Even shouting over the music, his voice sounds soft and gentle. Peter nods. 

“‘m fine. Better than fine. That felt great, erm, thanks,” he laughs, standing straight and looking at the guy again. The man smiles at him and pecks his cheeks, then his lips, then smirks. 

“Made a mess of your underwear, though,” he quips.

Peter groans and wiggles around the guy, stealing some paper towels to try and clean up inside his pants (which would have been awkward and a little confusing, as for how much modesty he should take, if the guy didn’t plaster himself to Peter’s back once more, hook his chin over Peter’s shoulder and watch so intently that Peter started to get hard again) before zipping and buttoning back up. 

“I’m Stephen, by the way. Doctor Stephen Strange.”

Peter raises an eyebrow. “Doctor? Wow, that’s really impressive,” he drawls, not really believing the man. One of the first guys to buy him a drink had also claimed to be a doctor, but a few minutes later when his girlfriend showed up, she happened to mention his job at a grocery store. 

Not that Peter has anything against grocery store employees. Ned worked at Walmart before getting into his field and Peter has probably worked at every convenience store and gas station in Queens. 

(And not because he couldn’t hold one down, but because he needed five jobs at once over the summer to be able to pay for his first year of room and board.)

The guy just smiles, not confessing to being a liar but not taking offense that Peter implies he is. “What’s your name, sweetheart?” 

Peter hums. “Peter. I’m a photographer,” he winks at the man and unlocks the bathroom door. Stephen guides him by the wrist (and it would almost be annoying that he doesn’t hold Peter’s hand properly or let him walk on his own, if it wasn’t hot as fuck) back to the bar.

In place of ordering, Stephen just holds up two fingers towards the bartender. She nods at him and turns to grab two shot glasses, and Peter doesn’t have time to unpack why she knows what he wants. 

“Photography, huh?”

“Yup.”

“Sounds riveting.”

“Oh, it is. Nothing as exciting as taking pictures of other people doing exciting things.”

“Oh, I’m sure.”

“Doctor, huh?”

“Mhm.”

“Are you a real doctor?”

“I am.”

Peter swivels on his bar stool, staring the man down. It would be more interrogating and honest to his attempt to read the man if simply looking at Stephen didn’t make his lips twitch in a smile. “Where’d you go to school?” 

“Pre-med in NYU. The rest is a secret.” Stephen winks. Peter narrows his eyes but doesn’t say anything else. 

“So, is that Peter with a last name?” Stephen adds as the drinks are delivered to them. Honey colored with no bubbles and perfect circles of ice in each. Peter takes a sip and lets it roll around his mouth.

“How do I know you’re not a serial killer?”

“I told you I’m a doctor.”

“Perfect cover story,” Peter raises, making an exaggeratedly suspicious face. Stephen laughs at him, probably not because he’s actually amusing but because the man is also drunk. 

“Ok, what about Peter with a phone number?”

Peter can’t stop from smiling. A phone number? Like, a ‘we could totally hook up again and get further than a hand job in a bathroom’ kind of phone number? He tries to keep up the game of not acting as enthusiastic as he is, though. “Well, since I still don’t know if you’re a serial killer, maybe you should give me your number.”

“Really? After I got you off like that?”

“Well, actually I got me off, thanks,” Peter muses cheekily, “but… yep. Precautions.”

That earns him a fond laugh. “Alright, alright. ‘Precautions’. Here,” Stephen snatches a napkin from under his drink and a pen from over the counter of the bar, confirming Peter’s theory that they man is definitely a regular. 

“So you come here often?” Peter says. He realizes the joke a second later than Stephen does and blushes at his own cheesiness while the man shakes his head and laughs. 

“I do, yes.” 

“Hmm. Doctor’s salary and you go to bars that don’t overcharge you for everything? Sounds sketchy.” Peter quips. Stephen rolls his eyes and hands over the napkin, ten numbers in way too nice handwriting bleeding through.

“A friend of mine owns the place. I like to support her now and again.” He explains. Peter nods, accepting the reasoning. 

“That doesn’t explain why you have nice handwriting, though.” He continues, examining the napkin. Stephen laughs at him. 

“I’m taking that as a compliment.” 

Peter grins back.

They talk for almost an hour, broken up by breaks to dance or get more drinks—which are just water, for Peter. He knows when he’s hit his limit, thankfully—and by the time Ned is falling over Peter’s shoulder, leaning against the counter and saying he’s ready to go home and lament about the girl he’s just fallen in love with, Peter thinks he likes Stephen Strange quite a lot. 

He says so, as he’s leaving, and waves the napkin with the man’s number for emphasis. Stephen just grins, tilts his head and raises his glass and shouts over the crowd that he expects to hear from Peter soon.

It’s only when Peter decides “soon” can totally be three in the morning of that same night that he realizes he somehow managed to lose the napkin. 

He’s upset, but not devastated. Just disappointed. Ned tells him they can both get over their narrowly claimed soulmates (i.e. the girl he danced with all night who was leaving to go back to Germany the next morning) by having a star wars marathon and ordering take-out. 

Which, yeah. Was a pretty good remedy, and after a few days, Peter completely (or, mostly completely) forgot about Stephen Strange.

Present time

Peter’s brain stops processing. God, just the sight of the other man makes him antsy to move, having to consciously stop his hips from shifting. He wants to kill the awkwardness. “Uh-”“Peter.” Stephen beats him to it. He cringes slightly.

“Um, h-hi. Hi? How, uh, how are you?” 

That gets him a slightly confused, if amused, eyebrow raise. (Killer cheekbones and those lips Peter assumed he’d never see again) “The question is actually how are you, seeing as you’re the one in the hospital bed.” 

“Oh! Right, right. I’m good. Fine.” This is too awkward. This is kind of painful, actually. 

“Mhm,” the doctor couldn’t sound less convinced, “How’s your head? I’m sure the nurse told you, they did an emergency CT scan when you were first brought in, and you don’t seem to have any injuries beyond the couple of scrapes on your face and side. Let you keep your clothes on since the worst of it might be a minor concussion. Let’s check that over though, yeah?”

Peter just nods slowly. Stephen comes to sit beside him, using another chair opposite the one housing his jacket and shoes. 

He watches as Stephen writes in a few boxes on the paper on his clipboard, but all Peter can think about is that those careful, nimble hands had given him one of the best orgasms ever. 

“Are you in any pain? Any sensitivity to light, headache, confusion, dizziness? Are you nauseous at all? Any memory loss?” 

Peter responds dutifully to the questions. He has a slight headache, and the lights bothered him when they first turned on but overall he’s feeling a lot better. An ache on his whole left side, but he assumes that’s from how he fell and landed when he got knocked out. 

Stephen writes down all of his answers, checking and marking boxes. When he’s done, he sets the clipboard down and beckons Peter closer. He listens to the younger man’s heart, checks his eyes with a light, and peels off some bandages that Peter hadn’t even noticed on his cheek, reapplying fresh gauze and tape with a new layer of antibiotic cream. 

“Well, I’d say you’re in the clear for a concussion, but you’ll definitely need to take it easy for a week or so. Lots of fluids, lots of rest, as low stress as you can manage. No rigorous physical activity. You’re a lucky kid, Peter Parker.” 

Peter cringes, then lets his head loll to the side. He’s tired and the pain medication is making him a little loopy and he’d rather think about anything else than what his bill is going to be for all of this. 

“Well shit. You know my last name now. Hope you don’t serial murder me.” He hums. He reaches for his jacket and slips it on. Stephen has the decency (especially impressive considering he probably thinks Peter ditched him) to humor him.

“Still on about that? I thought you’d be convinced of my authenticity by now. I’ve got a white lab coat and everything. I’m wearing scrubs.” The man says, whispering scandalized at the end. It makes Peter giggle. He’s a little amazed, actually.

The man he met at the bar was nice, sure, but he’d also very clearly had the goal of getting into Peter’s pants. It’s odd to see the same man, who’d later taken such a serious, confident tone at the club still being playful.

“Speaking of, I thought you said you were a surgeon? Very impressive, very renowned, etcetera. Why are you giving me a… non, surgical check up?” Peter asks. He looks longingly at his shoes, kind of wishing they would just float over to his feet without him having to put them on.

Stephen doesn’t seem off put by Peter’s phrasing. “All of our neurologists are swamped at the moment. They called in some off duty general practitioners to cover, but a personal friend of mine, Christine, was supposed to see you and couldn’t, so she asked me.” He leans back in his chair, then, studying Peter in the same shameless, confident way (albeit, not in the lustful way) he had at the bar. 

“I must say, I certainly wasn’t expecting to see you here. Or again, at all.” His tone lilts, pressing Peter to explain why he never called after they hit it off (and got off). 

“Yeah, about that,” Peter mumbles. He grabs his sneakers but doesn’t put them on yet, figuring it would be rude to get up or turn his back while he’s explaining. “I’m sorry. I was honestly going to call you but, I uhm..” 

“Lost the napkin?”

Peter winces, then nods and hangs his head in defeat. “I lost the napkin.”

Stephen laughs, sitting forward again, and it surprises Peter. On the rare occasion he’s seen someone he’s (intentionally) turned down again, they’ve usually been… a lot more aggressive and unhappy. 

His confusion must show, because Stephen looks at him, all sharp features and unapologetically confident and somehow just soft enough to be sincere. “I figured it was something like that, considering you had a pretty good incentive to contact me.” 

Peter narrows his eyes, but it’s not real heat. “‘Pretty good incentive’ he says. My, you’re just full of yourself, huh? That’s gotta be some kind of doctor syndrome or something. There was a Criminal Minds episode like that.” Stephen groans at his response. 

“Criminal minds?”

“What? It’s a good show!” 

“It’s completely unrealistic. Every episode has the exact same plot.”

Peter gasps, offended. “They do not!” Stephen looks unimpressed.

“There’s a bad guy, he’s killed people in a particularly gruesome way and now he’s kidnapped some poor girl. Time crunch. He’s a white man between his 20’s and 40’s, one of the ‘agents’ has some dramatic personal tie, there are hints at a subplot, Reed says something quirky and beats them all at cards on the plane. Sound familiar?” 

Peter gapes at him for a solid three seconds before composing himself, crossing his arms and huffing. “It’s still entertaining..” he pouts, petulant. Stephan rolls his eyes but chuckles at the display. 

“Well, I’m sure it will keep you plenty entertained while you get your rest. And hydration. But try to steer clear of the strawberry daiquiris.” He says, smirking as he reorders the papers on his clipboard. Peter relents, sighing, and turns to put on his shoes.

“‘s not like I picked ‘em out and bought them all..” he grumbles quietly.

When he slowly rises from the bed, Stephen is still there. Standing on the opposite side of the cot, staring at him. Peter feels his cheeks flush and dear god, he cannot get hard thinking about the last time they were alone in a room together. 

He’s trying to think of some way to diffuse the tension, ask about leaving or paperwork (or the bill, dear god), the police report he needs to file or about his friend picking him up—but Stephen beats him to it. 

“Would you like to have dinner?” 

Peter stares. What was that?

“Huh?”

“I said, would you like to have dinner?” Stephen repeats, patient and unflinching, nothing modest or humorous to lighten the air. 

Peter stutters, then wets his lip and bites it, then shifts from foot to foot before nodding. 

“Yes. I’d like to have dinner with you.”

Stephen smiles. “Great.” He steps around the bed just as Peter does, bringing them closer together. “Now, technically I have your whole file right here, and I could just get your phone number off of that. But that’d be wholly unprofessional of me.”

Peter snorts, having to step back and cover his mouth so he can laugh at the man’s utter brashness. “Yeah, you’re completely correct. That would be very unprofessional. And probably illegal, I think.”

“Oh, definitely illegal.” 

Peter giggles, but then Stephen is handing him the pen he’d been writing with. Peter takes it, still grinning, yet furrows his brows in confusion. “I don’t have any paper.” 

Stephen smirks. Then he holds out his hand, palm up. When it clicks what he’s requesting and Peter snaps up to look at him, there’s a very calm, controlled smile, carefully containing a wild amount of self-satisfaction on Stephen’s face. 

“So I don’t lose it.” 

Peter rolls his eyes so dramatically it hurts, but he takes Stephen’s hand, reluctantly flattered, holding it steady in one of his own and writing with the other. Though it’s more like the older man’s one palm holds both of his stable with how unwavering it is. 

When he’s finished writing his number, he hands the pen back. “Make sure you don’t wash that hand,” he quips. Stephen hums, waving an arm past to guide Peter out of the room. 

“I promise I’ll take good care of it. The nurse will deliver your paperwork to the waiting room, and there will be an officer there as well. You’re very welcome to stay until your ride arrives.” He says. Before Peter can answer, the man is swooping down, planting a gentle kiss to his temple, and then before he can react, Stephen is disappearing down the hallway. 

Peter waits in a mildly comfortable chair and picks up his packet, report and bills and prescription of rest, all in a daze. He’s still in it when he files his report with officer Rogers and when he gets in Ned’s car around two thirty in the morning, answering a million questions and finally tipping his head back against the seat, relishing the dark and the busy quiet of New York late at night.

Two days later, after he’s got a new phone and a new wallet (and a loan in May’s good credit name to pay for his hospital visit), he gets a text that threatens to buzz out of the pocket which barely manages to muffle it.

Unknown: Dinner, Thursday. 8 o’clock. I’ll pick you up. Sound good?

Peter grins and makes a new contact.

You don’t know my address though?

Stephen: I’m sure you’ll tell me.

Fair enough. I can do Thursday at 8.

Stephen: Perfect.

Then, a moment later:

Stephen: Wear that pink shirt again, and I’ll let you pick the venue. Deal?

Peter blushes even though there’s no one there to see it, biting the inside of his cheek not to smile dumbly at his phone. 

Deal.

[bhumblebih]

Into the Unknown (Bang Chan au)

Genre: angst+fluff

Warnings: I suck at this pls bear the shitty fic i wrote. I just thought i could do something lol

You know how there are days, where you just feel super lazy and don’t feel like doing anything because you’re just so done with everything. With life, with opportunities that you could’ve taken if you had made a different decision in the past. It all comes down to that one butterfly effect that changed it all. This was exactly how Kara felt until a special someone comes into her life.

It all started when she moved away for University. She had chosen to move to a different country for her Bachelors in hopes of finding new, better people to befriend with and also because she wanted a change in her lifestyle. She could’ve gotten into a university of the same worth in her hometown but triggered by the changes caused by some of her decisions, she decides to go to a University where she knew no one, in hopes of finding a new group and ultimately thinking that it’d change her life for the better.

The first semester goes by quickly and she realizes that her friend group is totally different from her and its been very hard to make new friends, so she just sticks with the people that she met on the orientation day. She was totally devastated by the fact that this was, in fact a hasty decision and that it’d have been way better if she had joined the University in her hometown. At least she’d have been able to meet her friends frequently. Deeply depressed by this realization, she continues to live her life like this until she met someone that forced her to think differently. 

Waking up at 7:00 made her regret her decisions even more as she had to take the bus for her to make it on time for her first lecture, which to her dismay was the lecture she hated the most. On her way to the class, she realizes that she forgot that she had lend her book to her groupmate for an assignment they were working on. 

She calls her friend and says “Hey Hyena, the class will start in about 5 minutes. When will you come?” to which her friend, Hyena replies “Hey, I wont be  coming today because I’m sick but don’t worry, I had Chan take it with him so he’ll give it to you as soon as he can so let me know when you get it.” 

The conversation soon ended with Kara telling Hyena to get well soon. Chan and Hyena were neighbors and he is also Hyena’s childhood bestfriend. Kara and Chan never got along. Kara always thought that Chan had a personal vendetta to tease Kara as much as he can. And as for Chan, the fact that someone other than him is getting close to his bestfriend didn’t sit well with him so he just thought he’d do something to scare off the new girl. Thing with Chan is, even though he had other close friends but he was the closest to Hyena because of spending a huge part of his life with her. He experienced most of his firsts with her and vice versa. Also being in different departments made him think that their friendship would fall apart as he had seen his other friends slowly get distant, to the point, they rarely talk or meet now. This kind of stuff scared Chan because he thought of losing friends as a segment of his life falling apart. 

Kara looked at her phone again to see only 5 minutes were left till the lecture started and she was basically losing her shit because she didn’t want to get embarrassed again in front of so many people. Thing with this professor was that he was very serious about teaching and just wanted the students to be attentive and actually gain something good out of this class instead of cramming. But Kara, clouded by the negative thoughts and absolutely regretting her decisions, put no heed to this. Only 2 minutes eft, and Chan was still not here but so was the professor. After 5 minutes, she saw him running towards her with her book in his hand. 

“Hi, sorry about being a bit late. I couldn’t find a spot to park and came as fast as I can” said Chan while breathing heavily. He was actually hoping to mend his relationship with Kara after having a really talk with Hyena about it. Maybe they could be a group of 3 and just enjoy their university life as it is. After all, Chan did believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe Kara coming into their life was a good thing? 

Kara was fuming when Chan finally approached her. She was sure that he did this just to spite her so she’d get embarrassed in front of everybody. Thinking this, she angrily said,  “Don’t ‘Hi’ me! I never thought you’d be so petty to come late just to get me embarrassed. You could’ve just told Hyena that you didn’t want to do this! Next time at least try to come up with a better excuse. Everyone knows that you travel by bus.”  

Chan was dumbstruck by what he heard. He thought that she’d be thanking him for bringing her book and they can finally start off with a fresh start but boy, was he wrong. He had recently bought a bike to travel around because his apartment was kind of far and traveling by bus just seemed like a hassle to him because it took a lot of time to reach his stop. He saw Kara angrily walk away towards her class. He thought maybe he had done something wrong but he just couldn’t understand what it was. Thinking this, he went to the cafeteria to meet his friends.

Kara enters the class and she is relieved to see that the professor hasn’t arrived yet. She sits in the second row, next to her other groupmate, Seungmin. He was a good friend of Kara and they got along pretty well. If anything, Seungmin and Hyena were the only good friends Kara had. She didn’t interact with anyone else enough to be good friends with anyone else. “Wow, its very rare to see the professor come late. I wonder what’s taking him so long?” Kara muttered while opening the book to the topic they were supposed to study today. 

“Yeah but look he just messaged in the group that he would schedule a makeup class for today later this week. Damn! he could’ve messaged earlier so i could sleep a few more hours. I’ve got a practice baseball match for the sports week next month.” Seungmin said sadly. Hearing this, Kara lost all her motivation to study. Could it get any worse?, she thought. 

“That’s stupid. Messaging us last minute that he isn’t going to come. Are we a joke to him?” Kara went on to rant about it. Seeing this, Seungmin smiled to himself. He just thought how cute Kara was being, ranting about all that stuff. He always thought that she is a nice person who thinks too much. He hoped that she’d lose that ‘I’m so done with everything’ look from her face. He always tried his best to cheer up Kara as much as he can. 

“I know its pretty frustrating but isn’t it good in a sense? We can spend some time together since I’ve got nothing else to do. Do you want to go to the cafe?” asked Seugmin hopefully. “Sure. I haven’t had my breakfast yet.” Kara replied, feeling a bit better that at least she wouldn’t have to spend all this free time alone. 

Walking towards the Cafeteria, she laughs at a dad joke Seungmin made when she realizes that she forgot to message Hyena about the book. She quickly messages Hyena and lets her know that she got the book. After a while, they reach the cafeteria and Kara can see from a distance that Chan sat there with his group of friends. She tries to sit as far as she can from their table only to end up finding the only spot lest was beside where Chan sat. 

“Oh god, its been so long since we spend time together. I’m glad professor didn’t come today!” Seungmin exclaimed. “You’re right! It has been long. I really miss the time where we used to chill around and stuff, yknow?” Kara replied.

“Yeah, those were the fun times but anyways I have this practice match later today. Do you want to come watch me play? I heard the buses will go later than usual today because of the upcoming sports week.” Seungmin asked. 

“Oh sure. My introverted self wouldn’t want to interact with anyone else so I’d rather watch you play than sit somewhere alone and have to make weird eye contacts with strangers.” Kara laughed. “That’s amazing then. I can walk you to your bus later as well since I’m planning to go to a gaming zone with Chan later. I’ll be leaving with him.” Seungmin said. “Oh, but the busses would’ve left by then. How do you plan to go to the gaming zone?” Kara asked curiously. She was hoping that it wasn’t what she thought it was. “Oh Hyena didn’t tell you? Chan recently bought a bike which is so cool at least we won’t have to wait for the bus.” Seungmin exclaimed happily. Whereas Kara wanted the ground to swallow her. She was so embarrassed over the fact that she didn’t give him time to explain his part of the story and she outright bashed him about something he wasn’t even wrong about. “That’s nice. And no, she didn’t tell me about it.” Kara said sadly once she realized that she was in the wrong. She made a mental note to apologize to Chan about what she said but deep down she still thought that maybe he did something wrong because in her head, it all seemed too good to be true. For Chan to go out of his way to give her book just didn’t seem true.

Time skip to the practice match

Kara sat in the bleachers waiting for the match to start. She saw Seungmin waving at her from afar and she waved back happily hoping for him to win when suddenly hears a familiar laugh from her right. She looks over and sees Chan screaming “OI FELIX! YOU GOT IT BRO!” to a blonde haired guy who looked embarrassed. Chan sat down next to Kara excitedly until he looked to his left to see Kara looking at him, annoyed by his screaming. Chan wanted to do it again just to annoy her but remembered that he had a talk with Hyena about how he will try to be nicer to Kara and decided not to do it and gave Kara an apologetic look. Seeing this, Kara feels bad and decides that this might be the right time to apologize to him. 

“Hey Chan, I wanted to apologize for being rude to you in the hallway. I didn’t know you had bought a bike until Seungmin told me about it.” Kara said apologetically. This warmed Chan’s heart and made him think that maybe Kara wasn’t as bad as he thought. “It’s okay! It is partly my fault for teasing you so much. Obviously you’d think that. But I really hope we can start over?” Chan asked hoping for her to give him a chance. “No, its my fault too for never making an effort to fix things between us but yes, I’d love to start over.” Kara replied happily. 

After this, they happily rooted for their friends to win and Chan even bought popcorn and drinks for the match. Kara was overwhelmed by the fact how genuine Chan was. He was a carefree guy who deeply cared for his friends. They later exchanged phone numbers because of how much fun they had.

Time skip to a few months later    

One Sunday night, Kara wakes up in the middle of the night with an ache in her heart. The same familiar ache that she got when she missed her old life and regrets making some decisions. She missed her family, her friends, her home and basically everything she could think of. She felt horrible over the fact how she has misjudged her decision of moving somewhere else would resolve her short term problems. Even though the past few months have been amazing, she still missed her hometown. The past few months, she’s been meeting Chan and Hyena everyday where they’d make short trips to the park or the pet cafe near their university or just hang out and chill in the campus somewhere. Her life did get a bit better than before but she just wasn’t in the right headspace at the moment. Kara decides to take a walk to get rid of the ache in her heart. She walks to the park near her apartment and buys chocolate milk on her way. When she reaches the park, she sits on a swing and thinks about how drastically her life changed just from that one decision. Oh, how she wished her life would go as she planned it to be.  

Chan was walking home after a long game of football with his friends. His apartment was close by so he just walked to the football ground. On his way, he passes the park that him, Hyena and Kara sometimes hang out in. He sees someone on the swing sipping a juice or something. He couldn’t see properly because of the dim lights. He thinks that it might be Kara because of the body structure but he wasn’t sure. So to confirm, he messages Kara where she is to which she replies that she was in the park to get some fresh air. Chan had noticed this before as well that Kara frequently goes to the park to get some “fresh air”. He goes over to the swings and sits beside her. Kara looks shocked to see him. She didn’t think he’d show up like that but she doesn’t say anything.

“What’s on your mind?” Chan asks. “It’s nothing. I just came out to drink chocolate milk.” Kara mutters sadly. Hearing this, Chan is sure that something isn’t right. “You know you can talk to me right? I don’t like seeing my friends sad. You can share it with me if you want to. I wont judge.” Chan says genuinely wanting her to open up so he can help her. Kara looks at his eyes and she realizes that he’s being genuine and she feels warmth in her heart knowing that someone is willing to spend their time in making her feel better. She ends up telling him everything. By the end of it, she’s crying and Chan hugs in hopes of calming her down. He knew that she was in pain and wanted to do something about it. “Come on, I have to show you something.” Chan says. Kara looks up at him confused as to why would he randomly say that but nonetheless, stands up and follows him to his bike. 

They travel for about 15 minutes when Chan suddenly stops and makes her close her eyes. He leads her to a high ground where they can see the whole city from above. They sit down near an edge and Kara is too mesmerized to say anything so Chan starts talking. “I know that it can be hard for you to adjust to a new environment. And that whatever you planned didn’t come true but this is life. Its unpredictable. We all have our ups and downs but you know what the best part about it is? Its that its never going to be the same. Things change. Its sad now for you but it wont be the same always. Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be and learn to find joy in the story you’re living. So don’t worry, you’ve got me and I’ll always be there for you. You’re not alone. And like I always say “Don’t be sad, Bitches need cash”” 

Kara laughs at what he said but deep down what he said touched her heart. It all seemed so genuine and she started to realize that she had to look at life from a different perspective and maybe life wasn’t too bad. But one thing was for sure that the guy sitting beside her has her heart and she doesn’t regret moving here and meeting this pure soul.

[damienthepious]

>:3c hey i got two this week. happy LKT babes!!

Scattered On My Shore (Chapter 3)

[Ch 1] [Ch 2] [ao3] [Ch 4] [Ch 5] [Ch 6] [Ch 7] [Ch 8] [Ch 9] [Ch 10] [Ch 11] [Ch 12] [Ch 13] [Ch 14] [Ch 15] [Ch 16] [Ch 17] [Ch 18] [Ch 19]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Lord Arum/Sir Damien/Rilla, Sir Damien/Rilla

Characters: Rilla, Lord Arum, Sir Damien

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Lizard Kissin’ Tuesday, Pre-Relationship, (for the three of them. it’s established r/d), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Injury, Injury Recovery,  Hurt/Comfort,  (this will also be), Enemies to Lovers, (for damien and arum eventually lol)

Fic Summary: Strange things wash up out of the lake near Rilla’s hut, on occasion. But this monster… this monster is certainly the strangest.

Chapter Summary: Sir Damien and Rilla discuss the issue at hand.

Chapter Notes: did u want: canon typical Damien spiraling? <3

~~

Arum is stable, the offending injury has been cleaned again and sealed and dressed and hopefully, hopefully, this time it will actually start to heal. Rilla’s mind buzzes, exhaustion and adrenaline and the satisfaction of a problem solved. That little shard of black talon (definitely talon, now that she’s seen it up close; add the satisfaction of a called shot, too) is safely and carefully stashed away in a clean sealed vial for later analysis, where it can’t do any more harm. And Arum-

The sedative probably won’t wear off for hours. Probably for the best, considering how exhausted he was before he went under. It’s probably just her imagination, just wishful thinking, but he looks… calmer. Like his sleep is more restful, now, than it had been. Imagination or no, she takes some satisfaction in that, too.

Rilla washes her hands, splashes her face, and when she meets her own eye in the little mirror above her washbasin she sees the bags under her eyes and the hair clouding around her face and the manic tilt to her expression and she- laughs.

Damien. Oh, Damien-

What the hell is she going to do about him?

She could be irritated with him just for coming into her exam room, whether or not the door was locked, but- well, it’s not like he wouldn’t have some rule breaking to throw back in her face. She sighs, dragging her palm over her mouth and noting the visible exhaustion that’s making her shoulders sag.

Well. No point putting it off, right?

She checks on Arum one more time, resettling the blankets more securely around his shoulders, ensuring that he’s warm enough, leaving a cup of water beside the bed in case he wakes before she does (whatever happens with Damien, however she gets him out of her hair, she’s going to get some sleep after this, she needs to).

Dead asleep, still, but- he mutters something, some whispery wordlessness as the back of her hand presses to his forehead to make sure his temperature is still consistent, and the breathy murmur and the way his resting expression goes even softer makes Rilla gently smile before she can help herself, and her brain is still buzzing as she thinks, rest well, you ridiculous monster, and heal.

She steps away from the cot, and she sighs, then. This next part is going to be unpleasant.

Damien is pacing in a straight line when she exits the exam room, turning on his heel to keep going in the same stuck path before he registers that she’s joining him, and then his eyes widen.

“Oh my heart, you are safe! Oh, my dearest Rilla, I was terrified that you had been- I felt only moments from bolting in to ensure that you had not been-”

“Damien. I wasn’t in danger,” she says, keeping her voice low and gesturing for Damien to follow her as she steps away from the door to the exam room, away from the possibility of waking Arum accidentally. Her hut isn’t that big, and it’s not like they could have this conversation outside, but they can at least stand in the kitchen, a little ways away where they won’t literally be shouting (she assumes they’ll end up shouting, frankly) so damn close to Arum.

“I know you are terribly brave, my love,” Damien says as he stumbles behind. “But surely even you must understand- I do not know what sort of- of experiment you are intending to run, but I must advise-”

“He’s not an experiment,” Rilla growls, bristling because she already, already regrets the brief window during which she… did kind of think of him that way. He deserves better than that.

“Regardless, regardless of the why, it cannot continue, surely you must understand that. The danger- the danger the creature presents, to yourself, to any other patients you may have, to the Citadel itself! Rilla surely you can see that it must be destroyed-”

“You’re not touching him, Damien. He’s my patient-”

“It is a monster-”

“Yeah, I gathered that Damien, thanks, but you still aren’t touching him. He’s my patient, and he’s one of a kind, and he’s not gonna hurt me. If he wanted to, he definitely already would have tried something. He’s still weak as hell but he’s stubborn and he would have tried, if he really wanted.”

“Of course the monster wants to hurt you, my precious flower. That is simply what monsters do.”

Rilla scowls hard, turning away from him to pull the curtains aside, realizing with no small degree of wonder that it’s dark outside again. Already. Already? Before she woke Arum to discuss pulling the talon out, she’s sure it couldn’t have been much past sunrise. Saints she needs to sleep. But before she can-

“Damien, I’m gonna put this as simply as I can. He is my patient. That means that it’s my job to take care of him, and to make sure he’s safe and that his injuries are treated. I’m finally at a point where I’m making progress, and-”

“Finally,” Damien echoes, his brow furrowing as his thoughts churn. “Finally? How long have you- how long has this been going on, precisely?”

“Few days,” Rilla says, noncommittal. She- she isn’t quite sure, anymore. She’s been keeping hourly notes, coded longhand, but she’d put it on pause for the surgery, and-

“So,” he says, sounding pained, “when I came to you last, and asked-”

“I lied,” she says flatly. “I lied, because I knew you would respond like this.”

“I am attempting to do my duty, my love. I must protect you and every citizen of the Citadel, must cleanse the monsters' blight upon this land-”

“Not this monster,” Rilla says. “Not him. He doesn’t need cleansing.” She grins, a little wildly. “I already disinfected him pretty thoroughly.”

“You cannot jest about this, Rilla. Surely, surely you know I cannot allow this, it is-”

“Treason?”

Damien blanches, his face going vaguely ashen, and his voice is near-mournful when he answers. “Rilla, my heart, my forever-flower you know that I would never accuse you of something so vile-”

“Even if it’s technically true?”

Damien’s entire expression freezes, as if she has stabbed him. “You can’t mean that. You wouldn’t-”

“He was hurt, Damien,” Rilla says. “And I’m a doctor. I’m just doing my job, as far as I’m concerned. But I very much doubt that the Citadel will see it that way.”

“He is a monster, my love- he could- he could do anything to you, he could kill you or steal you away or-”

Rilla rolls her eyes. “Or lie in bed complaining about the fact that he’s too weak to even stand. Oh no. Whatever will I do to defend myself against the constant annoyance of monsterkind.”

“Rilla you have seen as well as I have the cruelties done by its ilk, the violence and pain! Any benevolence must be a trick, it must be, meant to lull you into a false sense of safety around such a dangerous beast! A devious machination, meant to make you lower your guard for the moment he will strike and then what, my dearest love? What will happen, when you, with your gentle miraculous healing hands, deliver the beast back to strength enough that he may enact his plan? Oh Saint Damien protect us, what will happen when he has been healed enough to harm again? What then, my Rilla?”

“He’s not gonna hurt me,” Rilla says, entirely dismissive. “He won’t. He-” she interrupts herself with a deep yawn, jaw going wide as tears pop into her eyes. “Oh, Saints. I thought I could have this argument right now but I absolutely can’t, Damien. Can you please just trust me, at least enough not to do anything tonight? Go back to the Citadel and we can talk about this in the morning. Right now, I’ve barely slept since I found him, and now that I think I’ve finally dealt with the worst of it and got him stable- I could really use a frickin’ nap.”

“No,” Damien says, slashing his hand through the air. “No, I refuse to leave you helpless and unprotected while that- that creature-”

“My patient.”

“Awaits a moment of weakness! Awaits a moment of vulnerability, wherein he may creep close and destroy you, or curse you, or- or any number of terrible intentions that could come to pass the very instant your mind is settled into well-deserved rest, my love. I cannot stand idly by while-”

“Oh for Saints’ sake, Damien, he’s sedated. He’s not going to slit my throat in my sleep. I promise.”

“It could all be a trick, Rilla. Even with your brilliant mind- the machinations of monsterkind are often more clever than one would expect, and what if this is all some scheme? You are a genius, my Rilla, the greatest doctor in all of the Citadel, and certainly the monsters at large are aware of your prowess, are aware of how many precious lives you have personally gentled back to the realm of the living after countless heinous beasts have expended their most vicious effort to send them to their grave! A doctor of your skill and status- surely monsterkind must be desperate to remove your ferocious protective presence from thwarting their attempts-”

“Damien. First, please try to keep your volume down. I know this is- stressful for you, but the hut is small and the yelling is- not helpful. Second- it’s really flattering that you think they’d pay that much attention to me but I really think you’re overreacting.” She takes a moment to breathe, then sighs quite deeply. “Look, if you’re so worried about it, you can stay here for the night.” She smiles gently, reaching a hand to cup his cheek. “I’m sure you already had a long day before coming over here. Come to bed with me? If it’ll make you feel better, if it’ll make you feel like I’m safer, you know that I love sleeping with your arms around me-”

“I cannot lie idle and sleeping while such a beast rests but one room over, Rilla! I cannot sleep at all while it remains a threat-”

Rilla sighs and drops her hand. “Fine, Damien, fine. If you don’t want to rest with me, then you don’t have to, but I am going to bed and you are not touching my patient. Understand me?” She glares, and the force of her ire could knock Damien to the floor. His mouth goes dry, his words freezing. “If you undo any of my hard work I will not forgive you for that. Do you understand me? I will not forgive you,” she says in a low voice, and Damien swallows. “I don’t care if you wanna sit and guard the door, that’s annoying but it won’t hurt anything, but don’t you dare interrupt his rest.” She pauses. “Or mine, for that matter. Now if you’ll excuse me, Sir Damien?”

She gives him a tight, angry sort of smile, then excuses herself towards her bedroom, her shoulders already sagging again with the weight of her exhaustion, and Damien’s heart aches for her, aches for her to be safe and rested and in his arms-

But he must do his duty, first. He must protect her.

Damien paces outside the door to the room the monster currently occupies, his mind roiling and racing and terrified, and he whispers low for guidance. Rilla’s hut is not particularly large, and he has learned his lesson many times that if he prays as he naturally wishes to, he will keep his beloved from sleep rather effectively, and he does not wish to anger her any further just now. So: whispers. Saint Damien will hear him just as well, anyway. It is only for the throbbing in his own heart that his volume yearns to rise.

A monster. A monster, and his beloved Rilla so determined to see it healthy again. One of a kind- and certainly that is even more of a danger than if this were some ordinary ogre, is it not? What tricks might this beast possess? He could have any magic, and skill, any trick up his sleeve-

“What if it is is not sleeping?” He whispers, eyes sharp on the door as he paces, compulsively drawing his bow, the curve of it feeling like safety in his hand. “What if it is already scheming, already creeping towards my Rilla’s room?” His volume is rising, he can barely control it, he tries, but the words are a deluge he caught up in, helpless, helpless. “What if it is already crawling close to her bedside while she breathes light and lovely into her pillow and then it smiles a demon’s smile in the dark and it laughs at her precious kindness and then at last it raises a savage claw-”

Damien chokes a breath, pressing a hand hard over his heart and another over his mouth. No. No, he is between the beast and his beloved. He would have seen- he would know. That- that is merely his fear taking him by the throat. He must stand tranquil against it.

“Saint Damien- oh Saint Damien please,” he murmurs low, wringing his hands and trying, oh trying to slow his breathing. “Please your tranquility my Saint, I must be tranquil if I am to keep her safe, as she deserves to be-”

Rilla forbade him from harming her “patient.” Forbade him from disturbing its rest, as absurd as that is (what foul dreams fill a monster’s mind in repose? What passes for peace in such a violent, chaotic creature?). But-

She did not forbid him from entering the room. Did she?

He considers that. He looks to Rilla’s bedroom door, closed tight against him.

No- not closed tight. If he abandons his charge to protect her and goes to lay by her side, he is certain that she will gather him up in her arms and her bed and soon he will be blessed to hold her soft and lightly snoring in his arms. She is angry with him, in some misguided way, but she did not lock the door. She would not lock him out.

She did not lock him out of the room where the monster coils, either, though.

He ponders, for a few moments longer, before the thought springs unbidden again- the monster, slipping off of Rilla’s examination cot, slithering across the floor, up the walls, over the ceiling-

What powers it may have, Damien does not know. Camouflage? The ability to creep, silent? He does know of the viciously sharp claws this creature possesses, the jagged teeth that showed in his slackly open mouth-

What if it is attempting to escape?

Out the window, yes, and then- anywhere. It could slither off to find cohorts, other beasts with which to return, to raze Rilla’s cozy, humble home to the ground. It could slink around the side of the hut, could find another window- Rilla’s window, could insinuate itself back inside and-

Another deep, shaking breath.

No. Even if the creature is silent, Damien will hear the pane of glass shatter, if the creature escapes.

He cannot simply-

Damien cannot-

Every moment it is unoccupied, his mind will spin. It will tumble down into the darkness of catastrophe, will show him newer and darker possibilities, and so long as he does not know, not for certain, what the monster is doing in there, Damien will be trapped by these feelings, these foul potentialities.

He must enter. He must have his eyes on this beast. It cannot possibly harm Rilla nor anyone else, if he has it safely under his scrutiny.

And Rilla did not forbid him from entering.

He has one hand on the knob of the door, one on his bow, and he creaks the wood open. His entire frame tenses for the strike, whether that strike be his own or the leaping of the monster, but no such strike occurs. It is dim, in the room. Dim, and still, and quiet.

It is mostly quiet, anyway. After a pause, the door ajar but not yet passed through, Damien recognizes the slow, soft noise of breath, coming from inside. He frowns, but he supposes that it is better, is it not, to know that the beast is still where he can keep an eye upon it. If he had opened this door and it was still as death, and there were no noises of life whatsoever- certainly that would have been a more frightening outcome.

Damien takes a step, and then another, and he leaves his hand on the knob as he suspiciously enters this shadowed place.

Still, no attack comes. The light pouring in through the doorframe illuminates enough that Damien can see the shape on the cot, a long figure curled slightly on its side, covers shifting slowly above its chest.

The monster breathes.

It is repellent. This creature, this vile thing soft-sleeping here in a room meant for human healing, for care, for the comfort of his lovely Rilla’s talents and compassion, it is abhorrent. And Damien knows that Rilla is compassionate, oh certainly she is, but this- this? Certainly, certainly, love, there must be some limits, mustn’t there?

The monster breathes and sleeps and does not move, and Damien is even more nervous, even more furious than he was before.

He paces, but the sound of his shoes clicking on the floor sets his teeth on edge. What- what if his noise wakes the creature? If it attacks him, certainly it would be justifiable, to retaliate. Of course it would. But-

Rilla warned him not to disturb the creature’s rest.

So, until she wakes again, at least, he will not.

There is a stool, close beside the bed. When he had entered earlier, Rilla had been perched just in front of it with her hands on the beast, as if she had been seated at some point, and slowly edged forward in tension and focus until she had hovered entirely away.

If Damien wishes to sit, he is going to need to come close enough to the beast to take the seat for himself.

He takes each step across the floor as if it could be rigged with traps, as if more monsters might leap from any given shadow. This… proves unjustified. Yet again Damien is unmolested by monstrous intent, and when he comes close by the bed he stares down at the creature.

Evil. Evil made manifest. Long limbs hidden beneath layers of cloth, sharp claws obscured, the angularity of that body made slack and strange by sleep, that reptilian face-

The monster’s mouth hangs just slightly open, the tips of sharp fangs barely, barely visible behind his thin lips, the ridged line of his brow softened, the low light gleaming on his colorful, mottled scales-

Damien’s jaw tightens. He picks up the stool and moves it away from the bed, moves it to the corner nearest the door, and he perches up upon it facing the bed with a hand on his bow and a scowl set on his face.

The monster does not wake for this, either.

He scowls for quite some time, until his cheeks are a little bit sore. Then he settles into a glare, his determination too strong to be unsettled by boredom. This is only a trick, regardless of the way this creature looks- fragile, curled there on Rilla’s examination cot. More of his scales are bandaged than not, from what Damien saw earlier, when Rilla was working upon him, and the frill at his neck is nearly in tatters, one of his elegantly curved horns cracked (Damien wonders if that is the sort of thing that heals- not that this creature will have time to find that out, of course), and even despite the undeserved serenity of sleep this monster looks exhausted.

A trick. All of it a trick, of course.

… but a very, very convincing one.

[->]

[canaryatlaw]

today was...a lot. morning was actually pretty good, my emotions have just kinda been all over the place. I never notice when I’m in a depressive spiral until I hit the bottom and look back like oh yeah, that would make sense why I’ve been sleeping so much and feeling so anxious and stressed about work (and I mean, work is definitely a part of it, which really just means I need to get the position at the DV clinic that much more) and discouraged all the time, along with skipping church for like, a solid month, even going in for the babies one week but not staying for the service because I just didn’t have it in me. I think I need to really reevaluate who and what is important to me and how that actually has an impact on my life and wellbeing. Most of all I need to stop relying on other people for emotional fulfillment, because eventually they will let you down and I can’t keep putting myself through that pain. I’ve been thinking back to when my life wasn’t as crazy like it is now. I’ve tended to look back on that time negatively, at least in the positive moments now. But the truth was that while my life was pretty boring, I wasn’t depressed (save for the summer of 2017, but that was external circumstances that I couldn’t control). I was happy with the life I had and the friends I had, and god do I miss those friends. I’m talking to them in a GC on twitter like right now and I really just miss them. It’s been way too long since I’ve gotten to see them and actually hang out with them. And these are my friends- mine, not friends by association with someone else who I know aren’t at all loyal to me as actual friends and I really don’t trust most of them. Is it nice to have sometime to do on my weekends now? Yeah, it is, but the drawbacks have been beginning to weigh on me, and now I’m not sure that it’s always what’s best for me. I’m not saying I want it all gone, because for the most part I do very much like my life now, but there are definitely some things that need to change, because I can’t keep doing this. And more than anything I think those changes need to come from me, not anyone else. god, I’d kill for a good therapist that I was comfortable with and knew I could trust right now just to talk this all out with. I just need to be better with controlling my emotions and not getting attached to people who aren’t going to be there for me. I need to rely on myself, not other people. so that’s pretty much all the emotions I’ve been processing. I’m still split on whether I should say anything to my psychiatrist about it at my appointment Tuesday. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I should, I’m just so scared of switching meds that might result in a very bad result like it has in the past, and I really don’t trust this new guy yet, so far all he’s done is prescribed the meds I told him I was already own, I don’t have any examples of his judgment on which to base a decision. But I realized today that it’s definitely worse than I thought, so at this point I pretty much feel like I have to, even though that scares me. sigh. okay, I think that’s all my feelings for now, I may come back and add more sentences while writing the rest of the post. but yeah, my day, let’s get to that. I woke up to my alarm at 7:15 and surprisingly managed to get out of bed without that much effort. Got ready, public transit was actually cooperating with my schedule for once and I literally made it inside the sanctuary 20 seconds before the service started, lol, can’t beat that. I had taken a seat next to this guy after asking if it was open, and we started talking a little, just bits and pieces during the service. and y’all, he was SO cute. Kinda preppy, wearing a polo shirt, but it looked classy, not douchey. so throughout the service (which I’ll get to in a minute) I’m like sneaking glances over to him. He just moved to Chicago, and it was his first time at the church, so we talked a bit about that stuff. And like, at this point my brain was setting off serious alarm bells (in a good way, lol) because finding single cute guys at this church is fucking impossible, and I saw my opportunity and knew I had to take it. So once the service was over I was just like “I’m never this forward, but are you seeing anyone? dating in this church is impossible because everyone’s already taken, lol” which he laughed at. He responded that he wasn’t seeing anyone, but felt like he wasn’t really in a good place to be in a relationship right now because he’s got some things he has to deal with, but if he was available he would *definitely* be interested, which he certainly did not have to add if he was just trying to blow me off haha. I said ofc I totally understand, and if he gets things worked out, he’d know where to find me. We left off saying we’d see each other in the weeks to come. So overall I’m declaring this a successful guy interaction! I’ve literally never done that before in my life haha so I’d say pretty good. But yeah the service was really good, started by talking about the beginning of Matthew reading the genealogy of Jesus (which is of course not terribly thrilling haha but that was the point) and then went to talking about how each person on that list had a story and how your story is going to impact the people around you if you allow God to work through you and share it. Really good stuff. And just to make it super awesome, they brought an ice cream truck and paid for everyone to get ice cream??? have I mentioned how much I love my church??? so so much, lol. these people get me. So of course I went down and got an ice pop before proceeding to the volunteer huddle, and it was very much appreciated. Once I was done I went to the volunteer lounge and we did our kick off, and then headed to the baby room. There were 3 of us in the babies and 1 in the walkers, but at this point we’d basically been combining them so it wasn’t really an issue. We started getting babies pretty quickly, and they just kept coming, and coming, and coming.....it was getting insane. and when I say babies I mean like infants, under 1 and either not being able to crawl or just starting to figure it out, and we were running out of rockers and just about anything else to put them in. So at this point it was getting to pandemonium very quickly. I think the final count ended up being 18 babies for 4 volunteers, which is NUTS. Thankfully our kids ministry people are super awesome and did everything they could to help out and took the crying ones on a stroller ride with the massive stroller they have, and that always helps. but yeah, in my 3 years of volunteering with the babies, this was the most babies I have ever seen. Like older kids? sure, I’ve seen plenty of those. but babies?? like those are sooo much harder and require so much more attention. so it was definitely a challenge. Apparently the reason for this was for some reason this service was absolutely flooded with people, with the sanctuary packed out and over 100 people (100!!! people!!!) in the overflow space, which is insane. no idea what triggered that, but definitely a good problem to have. so eventually the service ended and everyone got picked up, and after cleaning up I headed home. Commute home was fine, once I got here I had some lunch and was on my laptop for a bit before starting to get some work done, still doing case research so that’s at least preferable to writing for me, and I got 4 hours of work in so that’s good. I’m at 14 hours so far for the week from Friday to today, so to make 40 hours by the end of Thursday I gotta do 3 days of 6 hours and 1 day of 8 hours (or some similar combination) which is definitely doable, so I’m pleased with that. I finally stopped to watch the Teen Choice Awards, which I felt absolutely ridiculous doing, but I wanted to see Monsta X perform, so I stuck it out for them and was pleased with that. My roommate came home earlier than she normally does so we sat and watched it and mostly laughed at people. They ended up not airing like, the majority of the awards and ended it after two hours which was very strange. I could’ve sworn Monsta X got nominated for “Who Do You Love?” in like an international song category, but couldn’t find any proof of that anywhere, so idk. Of course BTS won every award it was nominated for, including best fandom, so no surprise there. Once it was over we watched the news for a bit and eventually my roommate moved to her bedroom and I turned to netflix and watched an episode of Sugar Rush before showering and starting to get ready for bed, and now I’m here. Ooof that was a long post, but I clearly had a lot to say. Hopefully tomorrow will be better emotionally and I’ll be able to figure out what I need to do going forward to take better care of myself. Until then, I definitely need to be getting some sleep since it’s just past 1 am at the moment, and I need to do at least 6 hours of work tomorrow, do laundry, and hopefully make a quick Walgreens run for face wash and milk, so plenty to do so I’m gonna go to bed now. Goodnight friends. Hope your Monday doesn’t suck.

[ltjlily17]

Oh, can we call it a night?

What’s the most played song on your iPod? I don’t iPod anymore these days, but theres a site that will aggregate your Spotify listening, and the song I’ve listened to the most all time on Spotify is In Your Atmosphere by John Mayer. What is one quality you admire most in others? People who know what they want to do with themselves. What would you do with a million dollars? Invest it, maybe? Buy a new car. Start a non-profit that will save the world. Or just a small part of it. What’s your favorite song to dance to? All of them. What would your ideal birthday party be like?

No idea.This year I went to my favorite pizza place with a couple of friends, my mom and husband. Was pretty good.

If you could be reincarnated into anything you wanted, what would it be? I’m not sure I believe in any of that. What talent would you like to have? I wish I was ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC at something. I’m good at most things, and can get by, but I’m not outstanding at any singular thing.  Are you ticklish? Nah. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? 3 days or so. I basically had the flu and felt like I was dying. Not like the real flu either, theres this illness you get when your body hasn’t slept in too long. What New Year’s resolutions did you make? None. What are three songs that mean the most to you? Mayonaise by the Smashing Pumpkins, Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton and Bornand Raised by John Mayer. Someone else used these italics and I’m just running with it.

Who is the one person you miss the most? No one? What do you think of your parents? They are flawed people. I make the best out of my relationship with my mom, but I’m just not sure I want to bother with my dad. What is one thing you would do to make the world better? Instill a sense of community. People would be so much better off if we all gave a shit about the other people we are on this planet with. What is your favorite kind of sandwich? Hot, cheesy, some kind of sauce. Other than that, I’m flexible. If you had a puppy, what would you name it? I got a puppy 2 years ago and his name is Finn. We wanted a Star Wars name and Supreme Leader was the runner up name. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? I can’t think of anything I’d wanna see. What people do behind closed doors is their business lol. How much cash do you have on you right now? None. I’m in pjs, but beyond that, I rarely use cash. What do you think makes you attractive to other people? Humor or personality? Would more money make you happier? I don’t know. We have a comfortable amount now, minus paying for healthcare. Steve may have a job offer that would cover the healthcare, but would I be happy not working? Would I just turn into a loser slug? What is one of your favorite memories as a child? I really don’t know. My parents pretty much screamed and threw things all the time until my dad moved out. Then they played horrible games with me in the middle. There’s a lot of stuff I don’t even remember about being a child. I’d say the good stuff started happening when I was a teen and could seek refuge in my friends and their stable houses. I had one friend in particular, Andrew, whose mom and dad were super nice and he had a fun little sister- every time I was over there, which was VERY often, it was like a slice of the good life. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in your life? This was on another survey and I didn’t know how to answer it. I think once it’s done I just move on, I’m really a dweller. How do you measure intelligence? Unsure. I guess you just get a feeling for someones intelligence as you’re interacting with them.

What cartoons do you watch? None at the moment. I did just get Disney+, so that may change, but there aren’t really any cartoons I’m planning on watching. Have you ever used drugs? Nope. If you were a Skittle, what flavor would it be? The purple one. Sleeper hit. How would you describe your style? Hmmm. Casual indie bohemian with a side of lazy fat person. If you had to spend $1,000 in one hour, how would you spend it? The internet. Generally, my money goes to clothes or Halloween decorations. I really wanna buy some regular decor for the house though, so maybe that. What’s your favorite smell and why? I don’t have one. Something not flowery or overbearing. Something fresh and natural. Where do you buy your clothes? Anthropologie, ModCloth, Target, Gap, Old Navy, Loft. What’s your favorite kind of cake? Birthday cake? Funfetti? Does intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe? I have absolutely no idea. I used to think that it was just statistically impossible that there wasn’t, but fuck I don’t even know how any of this got here, so I no longer have an opinion. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be? MilkBar birthday cake. Are you into tattoos? I guess so? I like the art of them, I follow a lot of tattoo people on instagram and keep up with their work. I just got my first tattoo a week ago and I’m 35, so it’s not like something I do a lot, ha ha. Do you like photography? I do. I have illusions that I’m a photographer sometimes. I should be currently editing a wedding right now, but here I am. I’m just not sure I’ll ever be the kind of photographer I’d like to be, so I don’t know what I wanna do with it going forward. If you were a holiday, which one would you be? Halloween 100% Do you have any siblings? Nope. If you were to get a tattoo, what would it be of? I just got one. It’s a bat pusheen. I really wanted a bat of some sort and pusheen is my favorite so I just went for it. I always thought my bat tattoo would be a little more dark, but it is what it is lol. What’s the biggest celebrity you’ve ever seen in real life? I hid behind a dumpster when I was like 14 and 3 of the Backstreet Noys walked right by me, ha ha. I have some photos with me and the guys from Good Charlotte from when I was a wee teenybopper. How many pushups can you do? Absolutely zero. What person in history do you admire most? None? I don’t think I admire anyone. These surveys are quickly informing me that I don’t believe in anything or look up to anyone. Am I inert? Who is your favorite actor? I don’t have one. Ha ha, see above. I like most of the stuff Chris Pratt is in. Robery Downey Jr as Iron Man is iconic, but I’ve never seen any of his other movies. I like Adam Driver in Girls and Star Wars. What is the most daring thing that you have done in public? Spoke. Have you ever lied about your age? I don’t think I’ve ever had cause to. Have you ever cried while watching a movie? If so, what movie? For sure. Everything makes me tear up in my old age. Last movie was probably Endgame, though. Are you afraid of anything that most people are not afraid of? Not like huge, life changing fears, but I’m always afraid a bug will get caught in my hair and I can’t touch drains because they freak me out. Where do you see yourself five years from now? I’ve never been one to make plans. Hopefully happy with more direction. What is your favorite candy? Fun Dip, Nerds, Starburst. Have you ever watched someone struggle with addiction? Not someone suer close, but there are lots of auxillary people I know that have and do. Who do you look up to for your style? No one in particular. I see things on the internet I like and try to incorporate that, but its always varied sources. Who is your favorite sports team? I don’t follow sports. How often do you drink alcohol? Once every two weeks? Even then, its usually just one drink with dinner. I don’t much care about drinking. It seems like a lot of work to fill myself up with something I don’t really like the taste of just so I can potentially feel bad later.  What is your life in three words? Evolving yet bland. If you could be anything in the world, what would you be? I knew that, I’d be working towards it. Would you have a pet dragon? If so what color would it be? Sure. Whatever color dragon is fine with me. What’s your favorite sport? The only one I even kind of pretend to care about is baseball. Do you believe that homeless people are dangerous? No.  If you could be skinny and miserable or fat and happy, which would you be? I’d always pick happy. If your life flashed before you, what do you wish you would have done? Hmmm, I don’t know. I don’t have like any huge regret at the moment so probably just wish I’d have enjoyed myself more. If you were to invent something, what would it be? Hopefully something that makes the world better. Some kind of climate change related thing?  Who would you like to get to know better? This wholesaler real estate guy that has been selling us properties. Maybe if we knew him better, he would give us better deals, lol. Have you ever had a near-death experience? Near drowning when I was seven. Do you fear death? Yep.  What is the strangest food you ever ate? Hmmm. I like food with interesting combinations. Like smelly cheese or beet pesto or something, but I’m not on board with weird meat and I don’t eat seafood. Do you think you’re cool? Nah. What reality show would you like to be on? None. I don’t watch any of them. The only show like that I ever watched was the Osbournes, ah aha. What’s your favorite thing to order at a Chinese food restaurant? Whatever is gluten free. Ususally no choices for me at most chinese places. PF Changs has pad thai and general tsos I can have and another place nearby has general tsos too, but thats about it.

I loved lo mein and crab rangoon in my former life, though. Are you happy with your life? For the most part. If you could name your own planet, what would you call it? I’d need some plantary details before coming up with a name. If you could live another 200 years. What would you hope to see? People learning that we need to work together. Would you rather be hot or cold? Well, I’m cold like 90% of the time and that sucks, but at least you can do something about it and layer up and get blankets and such- if you’re hot, you’re just stuck. How would you rate yourself? What am I rating here? I’m like a 0 at makeup skills, but like an 11 if you need someone to pick you up in an emergency. 10 at playlist making. 1 at doing the dishes. Would you ever move to a different country in an attempt to start over? Maybe not to “start over”, but I would definitely consider a dream job in another country if all the details worked out. If you could be a character from any book, who would you be? No idea. I read a lot of Stephen King and none of those characters are alright.  Do you prefer taking baths or showers? I’d love to take a bath, but I’m a little big for the tub. Do you still collect toys from Happy Meals? Nope. I never ate happy meals even as a kid, so I never did. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? I drove two states over for a sandwich once. It was like a 15 hour round trip. In your opinion what is the greatest challenge the world faces today? People being willing to fuck over every one else if they think it will benefit them in any tiny, miniscule way. You are destroying everything by being an asshole and letting the people that really have all the money get away with it. Do you like dogs or cats better? I was 100% cat until I got a dog 2 years ago. I’m mostly dog at this point. Don’t tell my cat. What have you achieved that you once thought was impossible? Hmm, I don’t know. I’m a lot better off than my parents were. I just kind of thought the constant worrying about the car breaking down or the bills being paid was grown up life, so its nice to get here and know that I worked hard to not have those problems. If an ex texted you out of the blue, how would you respond? I don’t think I would. I’ve been with Steven for a decade, so theres def nothing that needs to be said to anyone that far back. Do you have a favorite poet? I don’t. I really like some poems I’ve read randomly in my internet travels, but I’ve never really been able to sit down and read a book of poetry. What have you tried to quit, but weren’t able to? Eating too much food? Would you rather go on a shopping spree with $200 or put it in the bank? I’d rather go shopping. I might save it, though. What was the last rumor that you heard? No idea. I don’t really have rumors around me at this point in my life. My friends aren’t like that and I’m not working anywhere at the moment. What country star would you most like to meet and why? I don’t really know who any of them are. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes. One of them happened when I was like 15 and it pinched a nerve in my neck and half of my left hand went numb. My mom didn’t believe me for a really long time that there was something wrong until she watched me try to pick up a glass of milk with my left hand and it just fell to the floor. Are you an organ donor? Yes! What is the most dangerous thing you have ever done? Unsure. I’m fairly adventurous, but I don’t do super dangerous things. I guess just trespassing in old abandoned buildings when I was younger could have been dangerous. What is the meaning of life? Moments of joy. For you and others. What word do you like the sound of? Nothing in particular jumps out to me. Isn’t Cellar Door supposed to be lovely? What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Hmmm. I don’t know. Its more about the brand I think. I usually get Jeni’s or the other fancy ice cream brand when I get the chance. 

I always get the cake flavored froyo, though.  Do you prefer cupcakes or muffins? Cupcakes. Are you an athlete? Ha ha, no. What did the last text message on your phone say? From my brother in law. He’s doing the work on the house we just bought, getting it ready for a renter. He wants more money, lol. What is the funniest movie you’ve seen in your whole entire lifetime? Man, I don’t know. I think maybe Grandma’s Boy was the funniest I had seen at the time. I usually don’t even like movies like that. What’s the worst nightmare you’ve ever had? I had this dream when I was a kid that I left the scissors out and they flew up and cut my moms fingers off and the whole dream was dark and black and white because it was night, but at the end, she picked up the phone (landline, because cell phones weren’t a thing then) and the only color was the green light coming from the phone that illuminated the numbers and she was trying to dial 911 with her fingers that weren’t there. 

I probably had that dream close to 30 years ago now and it’s still clear in my mind. 

What do you know how to cook? Lots of things. I’m especially good at carbonara or alfredo. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had, and what was it from? I fell down the stairs and broke several bones, severely sprained both ankles and ended up getting surgery to fix the cartilage in one ankle. What’s your favorite amusement park ride? Any that my fat ass can fit on. What do you wish you were doing right now? Well i’m doing this instead of things I should be doing. Who are your musical influences? I don’t play music, so I’m not really influenced? What was your favorite band or musician when you were 12? The Smashing Pumpkins, Bush, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson and the Back Street Boys, ha ha. What’s the best pick-up line that’s ever been tried on you? I don’t think anyone has ever given me one. How many drinks can you handle? I don’t really know at this point. Getting older changes things. I know that if I have one drink and then stop, I get a headache, lol. What was the longest phone conversation you’ve ever had? Hours and hours. Like 7 or 8 probably? Back in my day you could only talk to boys on the phone because we didn’t have cell phones or text messaging and you only had dial up internet. What’s your favorite candle scent? I got one from Anthropologie called Riviera that was my favorite candle scent ever. I bought two, but they are sold out now and I am very sad.

[fandomfanfics12]

We Are A Family-part 21

Title: We Are A Family. Pairings: Steve x tony, Peter x Wade, Nat x Clint, Sam x Bucky. Part: 21/? Warnings: swearing, fluff, angst, eventual smut, slowburn. Summary: When Nat comes into the avengers tower with baby Peter Parker, the avengers didn’t know what they were getting themselves into. But now that Peter is here,Steve and Tony both feel protective over him. It doesn’t help that Peter hates everyone other than Steve and tony. But as Steve and tony raise Peter, they start to fall for one another. Will this superfamily work out or will it all turn to hell? A/N: more angst and the last one for tonight, hopefully my updates will be a little more consistent now lol.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20

Their marriage went over smoothly for another five years. The calm before the earth-shattering and life-altering storm. Now though, the storm had arrived. Peter hadn’t noticed it at first, but he found Tony was spending more time at the workshop. And Steve was either at the gym or with uncle Bucky. This time, Peter was forced to really take notice. He no longer had Wade to escape too. Not since they stopped being friends three years ago.

“dads?” Peter called out as he let himself into the house. The house was still, silent, empty. Peter sighed and got a glass of water. He banged his keys on his knee as he drank it, trying to decide whether he should do his math homework or go talk some sense into his parents. They both suffered from nightmares and ptsd, but it had been good for a long time. Yet these past couple of weeks had been tense. Peter woke his dad’s up from nightmares at least six times a week, both of them screaming and shaking. He knew it was to do with the government and all the pressure about what happened in Sokovia all those years ago. Yet Peter still struggled to understand why this affected their marriage so much.

“Peter?” It was Steve’s voice, Peter forced himself to smile.

“Hey pops.” Steve smiled and ruffled Peter’s hair as he walked past.

“How was school?” Steve sat down on a chair and Peter shrugged.

“fine, how’s uncle Bucky?” Steve shrugged.

“fine.” Then the awkward silence filled the air.

“Is everything alright with you and dad?” Peter asked suddenly and Steve’s eyes widened.

“We’re fine.” Steve promised but Peter saw right through the lie.

“You’re not fine, if you were fine then you wouldn’t be arguing.” Peter grumbled and Steve sighed.

“We’ll be okay, we’ve survived rough patches before. I’ll talk to Tony tonight alright?” Peter nodded.

“Alright.”

“Don’t worry about us Pete, how’s Ned?” So Peter made polite conversation about school and his friends, all the while making a mental note of how exhausted Steve looked.

Steve knew that it was mainly his fault that he and Tony were having problems. He knew it started because he had begun pulling away. What peter didn’t know was the extent of the fighting. Some nights Steve would go and stay at Bucky’s. some mornings he wouldn’t even want to go home at all. He was pushing Tony away and then mad when Tony walked away. It was wrong and abusive and yet Steve couldn’t stop. He felt guilty as he snapped every mean remark, as he shoved Tony’s attempts of romantic gestures. Every time Tony tried to kiss Steve, Steve would turn his head. Or step just out of arm’s reach to prevent any hugs. No matter how hard Tony tried to fix things, Steve was trying equally hard to ruin them. But the problem was he couldn’t understand why.

“I don’t know what to do Bucky.” Steve complained and Bucky leaned against his kitchen sink, arms crossed over his chest.

“Are you still happy in your relationship with Tony?” Bucky asked softly and Steve squeezed his eyes shut.

“I was, until we started fighting. Which is something that I caused.” Steve put his head in his hands.

“why did you cause the arguments?”

“I don’t know.”

“did tony do something to upset you?”

“no.”

“Is it to do with a lack of sleep?”

“I’ve been having more nightmares.” Steve admitted.

“Of the war?” Bucky’s brows furrowed and Steve shook his head.

“No, it’s the purple guy-“ Bucky cut him off.

“Tell Tony.”

“I’ve tried! For years I have kept this secret from him and I can’t tell him. I can’t get the words out. I don’t know where to start or how to explain it and with each passing day it just seems more and more impossible to tell him.”

“Do you want me to tell him?” Steve’s gut churned and fear clawed at his mind.

“No!” He shouted and Bucky raised his brows.

“What’s going on with you?”

“I don’t know, but I can’t tell Tony. I don’t know why. And you can’t tell him either, promise me Bucky.” Bucky bit his lip but nodded.

“Alright Steve, I promise.” Steve felt his entire body relax, like that promise had saved his life.

“Thank you.”

“But you have to fix your marriage and put effort in. alright?” Steve nodded his head.

“Alright.”

It was like each passing day made things worse. It seemed as though Steve had given up on their marriage completely. Tony tried, day after day, he always tried to express his love for Steve. And it was like loving a brick wall. It wasn’t always like this, but with the accords, things just got worse and worse.

“Steve?” Tony asked as he walked in the door, he found Steve making dinner and his heart pounded in his chest.

“Hello.” Tony winced at how formal Steve sounded.

“how was your day?”

“Fine, and yours?”

“Good, I implemented a new magnet in Clint’s-“ but Steve cut him off.

“I’ve been thinking…” Steve trailed off and Tony waited.

“About?” he prompted and it almost looked like Steve was fighting to get the words out.

“Us.” Steve mumbled. Tony took a deep breath.

“Good thoughts or bad thoughts?” tony asked and Steve didn’t say anything. A bad sign. Bad thoughts. Very bad thoughts, scary thoughts that made Tony want to run from the room.

“I think we need a break Tony.” Steve said it so quietly that Tony almost missed it.

“No.” Tony could feel tears in his eyes, his heart pounded in his chest and Steve sighed.

“Hear me out?”

“No. We don’t need a break. Breaks are for people who are in broken relationships. Our relationship isn’t broken!” Tony exclaimed and Steve squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fists.

“things aren’t right between us. You know it and I know it.”

“Bullshit.”

“Tony.”

“We can fix it Steve. It’s you and me and Peter against the world, remember?” Tony asked and Steve sighed.

“This isn’t the first time we’ve been in this position Tony.” Finally Steve looked at him, finally Tony got to look into his husband’s gorgeous blue eyes. Blue eyes which had once stolen Tony’s heart. Once had given him warm and fuzzy feelings. When had Steve’s eyes been so cold? When had he started looking at Tony as if Tony were no more than a stranger?

“And we came out on the other side, stronger for it.”

“Well maybe I’m tired of fighting to make it to the other side.”

“Well I’m not!” Tony shouted and Steve sighed.

“Tony-“

“We can fix this Steve. You know we can, we don’t need a break.”

“I just think we need time apart.” Steve was in his defensive stance, his captain America stance. Ready to fight at a moment’s notice.

“Isn’t that why you’ve been spending so much time with Bucky?” Tony demanded.

“What?” Steve choked on the word.

“You have been cold towards me for weeks. All your spare time you spend with Bucky, I’ve noticed, Peter noticed, so why do we need time apart?” Tony demanded and Steve rolled his eyes.

“When will you stop being insecure about Buck?” Steve demanded and Tony felt his nose scrunch up.

“We can fix this Steve, just tell me how I can fix this?” Tony said, trying to salvage the conversation before it turned into a screaming-match.

“You can’t.”

“But that’s what I do, I tinker and I fix things and-“

“not this time.”

“We can fix this!” Tony exclaimed and Steve squeezed his eyes shut.

Steve didn’t know why he was arguing with Tony. He had told Bucky he would try and fix things with Tony, not end things. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just go up to him and hug him? Why am I saying this? What am I doing? Steve began shaking, he felt ready to throw up.

“I don’t want to fix this.” Steve’s voice was shaking and when he opened his eyes he could see how much he had hurt Tony.

“You chose me, remember? You told me you didn’t regret choosing me. You picked this life with me and Peter. You proposed, you kissed me first, you started this whole thing Steve, so why are you pulling away now?” Tony’s voice was hoarse and Steve took a steadying breath. I still choose you. I still love you. I still want you.

“Choosing you was the biggest mistake.” Why couldn’t Steve say what he really wanted to say? Why was he ending his marriage? Why was he making the worst decision of his life?

“Dads?” It was Peter’s shaking voice, Peter’s stricken voice. Fuck.

“Peter-“ but tony cut Steve off.

“I think it would be best if you left for a couple hours, take some time to calm down.” Tony said rather coolly. Steve forced himself to nod, forced himself to take his keys and walk out the door.

It took Tony over an hour to calm Peter down. To explain to Pete that he and Steve were just fine. That their argument had merely escalated and that they’d sort it out. Fortunately for Tony, Peter had decided he would stay at Aunt May’s for the night. So whatever happened with Steve next wouldn’t be witnessed by Peter at least. When the front door did finally open, Tony’s heart dropped down to his stomach. Looking at Steve, Tony instantly knew what had happened.

“Tony-“ but Tony flinched at the sound of Steve’s voice. He studied Steve’s messy hair, his swollen lips, his clothes which weren’t sitting quite right. But it was his eyes which held guilt the first emotion Tony had seen in his husband’s eyes in a long time. Steve had cheated.

“We can fix this.” Tony whispered. Tony knew that the serum prevented Steve from getting drunk, but Tony told himself that it was just a drunken one-night stand.

“We can fix this.” Tony whispered. Yet Steve knew they couldn’t. they never would. Yet tony still looked at Steve with love and Steve wanted to break down and cry. Why would I do this? How could I do this? I love tony, I want to spend the rest of my life with tony. How could I do this?

“No, we can’t.”

“Steve we’ll never see the guy again, we can move past this. We’ll go to couples therapy, we can fix this, we-“

“I slept with Bucky.”

[tempestshakes01]

happy and anxious. 

happy because i love my apartment and i love Lil Cup of Joe. he is a terror and the sweetest boy ever, and i feel so much love for him. this is why i can’t be around an animal for an extended period of time. i will die for any creature i get attached to and lil joe is now my baby. 

but i am anxious because i put of working when my brother brought home a puppy. he didn’t ask me to, but he’s an idiot who’s never home and bought a puppy to make him come home. i gave him 3 days and when his habits didn’t change, joe was being left alone and untrained, and i needed a running buddy--well, i took over. joe’s now potty-trained and knows a few (one) command. i take him everywhere to socialize him. he’s mine. but i’ll never say that to nick. who still needs to go therapy. i don’t know him. i don’t know what goes on in that head of his. it’s like we switched personalities in our 20s. i went from the quiet, serious type to basically a manic 13 yr old boy. he went from a wildly charismatic clown to a brooding hipster. what makes him laugh? what is he thinking? what is he passionate about? how does he talk to other ppl for hours but he can barely speak to his family for more than half of one? what did we do?

i got really angry the other night thinking about the fights i’ve had with my parents this past year. 

1) washington d.c. - mom and i got into to it in front of the fuckin white house at dusk. i was so emotional and upset at being there, right there where trump fucks over our country, and my mom was being...well, the woman fox news molded. i was furious and trying to keep it nice, so i asked if we could just stop. stop talking. i was gonna blow up. and my mom was like, “why do we stop when you say stop, but when i ask to stop, you continue?” which...is it true? i didn’t think so, and because i can’t keep my mouth shut, i argued until i walked away. i walked into the crowds and then i kept walking. i kept walking. i kept walking.  

it was terrible. i texted her “i’m gone” and i left. 

i forgot the details but i wandered that area of d.c. got a coffee. tried not to cry. and then...remembered how much trouble my mom’s phone was giving her, that her gps apps weren’t being accurate, that she wasn’t confident at the metro, and that it was now dark. that she was alone in an unfamiliar city with a camera bag strapped to her screaming “i’m a tourist!” 

i felt like utter and complete shit. it was one of the most despicable things i’ve ever done. later, i told some people and they were like “she’s a grown woman! you were both upset!” but no. i can’t make excuses like that. i knew that my mom was scared. i burst into tears. a crazy sobbing girl in the middle of d.c. i immediately texted her and told her to get back to me when she got to the hotel. 

an hour later, back at the hotel, my mom couldn’t even look at me. couldn’t speak to me. i knew i had to apologize and i did, wording it carefully because i walking on a minefield. i again blocked out most of the conversation, but it quickly dissolved into a mess of confessions. i was wrecked. at first because of what happened, but as our conversation turned into an argument, i became furious again. over how she interpreted some of our interactions. over how i “blamed” her for my anxiety and anger. i told her i got my anger from her. that i was slow to it like my father, but when something lit inside me it burned bright and hot and deadly like her. that her grudges and cold shoulders hurt me so, so badly when i was a kid (which she then explained wasn’t a grudge, just her processing her anger...but that was way, way into the night). oh god, it was so bad. so bad. she confessed how she felt about all us kids. told me about her problems with andi and nick. told me she wanted to move away from us. told me she didn’t want a relationship with me or them if it was going to be like this. 

i didn’t sleep. just cried and cried. like i did when i was a kid. sobbed in the bathroom and then under my covers. we barely talked the next day, but it slowly became okay. i didn’t know how to explain how much i loved her, so i tried to show her.      

in the end, we were ok enough. 

2) driving 30 hrs across the country - my dad and i were talking and he told me how he didn’t get us, and that we were hurting mom by rejecting her or something. he was upset and my dad doesn’t get upset, so i got upset and moody. and he was like “why are you like this? just with me? just with us. you’re so cruel.” and i knew it was true but it still took me an hour to snap out of it. and i apologized. 

--

but i feel sometimes angry bc i got the emo dump from both my parents. about both my siblings! and they don’t even talk to them about it! my parents don’t even touch nick anymore! they leave him alone because it’s easier that way and he wouldn’t listen even if they tried to talk to him! and my sister would get super huffy and feel judged and act out in some way and take the kids! so. i get it but i hate it!!! because i got the feelings dump! i got the tears and the hours of psychoanalyzing why we are the way we are! and i hate that i feel burdened by it sometimes?

 i want to be there for my parents but sometimes i’m that petulant child that still wants a mommy and daddy, not two parents who are human and exist with their own emotional life. and that’s so unfair to them and wrong of me, but i feel that way because i’m the child that gets this brunt of this side of them.  

but it’s because in my own way im the most difficult and this shit spills out when i push them. 

--

my parents (mostly mom) are only getting more set in their ways and defensive of their opinions. my mom...my mom who taught me so much about art and the world and appreciating different cultures and music and lived life with such vigor and wonder...i can see that fading and hardening. she’s stubborn about what she like and doesn’t have much interest in anything new. she’s offended and hurt when i gently bring up her how she used to be. 

my dad’s always been this way. very traditional, but kind. spoiled, but hardworking. likes what he likes. but he’s eating more greens. he’ll try what i make because i made it. we listened to latino usa and old radio lab podcasts that whole drive from wa to tx, and he loved it, and we discussed the episodes. and i loved him so much because he gave them a shot and we connected. 

but my mom. my mom. i miss her and she’s right there, but she’s not. and i know i’m part of the reason she’s retreated into herself and her more ‘sturdy’ beliefs and the friends who share them. she’s so quick to judge and harsh about it these days. is it age? is it us? is it this horrible world?

--

i came home to this. i came home and how quickly people change bc i didn’t expect my mom to be so old. in spirit. she’s tired. she doesn’t trust me. we’re working on being gentle. i’m working on not being so quick to anger.

my dad and i...i’m thrilled we’re getting along so well after i treated him like shit during the ~separation years~ between my parents. i was awful to him and he knew why, but he never called me out on it. 

my sis and i are fine. i’m so relieved she got out of that last relationship with that TERRIBLE PERSON and came to her senses, and somewhat grew up. we kick it. she cooks for me. we don’t completely jive cause she’s hood, but can code-switch between worlds, and i’m suburban through and through, so i’m not as cool or smooth as she is. i’m her dorky weird little sister and i appreciate her love for me. 

my brother? a mystery. a complete mystery. 

and i’m reminded of how he called me on my birthday and started weeping and asking about therapy and saying he’s sorry he never believed in my anxiety because it’s true--you don’t ask for, you don’t know why it appears, and it wrecks you. and he deals with it now for no discernible reason and he sounded so, so broken over the phone that i was shaking and crying when we hung up.

but now he’s as chill as ever and takes minimal care of his puppy because the 1st dog he got was pretty hands-off from the jump, but she was grown and pooed and peeded everywhere for months (he says no, but that’s selective memory), so now lil joe is mine and i need to get a job because the lack of structure is killlllllllllllllingggggg me. but i don’t want to leave lil joe :( 

--

it’s funny how i never set out to write all this shit, but it comes spilling out. 

huh. wait.

i left and i worked on myself but then i missed my family.

did i come back to work on the family? to work on my relationship with them? is that my purpose here and why i felt compelled to return?

--

went climbing with GA. i was totally afraid of falling and bouldering isn’t as fun to me as top rope, but i wanna keep at it. 

trying to set something up with B and A. my buds. i love em. 

gotta set something up with L because I have a feeling we’ll be good friends here. and weirdly, BG contacted me even though I haven’t talked to him since college? and even then we weren’t that close. he was just inching toward asking me out and never managed it.

--

fav emmy looks: zendaya (obviously. omg, whatta babe), maisie williams (whatta look, suits her perfectly, killed it), gwen christie (whatta jesus babe), that girl in the billowing mint green dress, anddddd clea duvall (a babe in a tux). 

vm continue to make me sad and hopefully things go well with tour for them. it’s nice to see them getting along with charlie and tanith. with bby charlie and tati and max’s kid coming along...oh boy for scott’s emotions. he’s gonna ignore the HELL out of those sad feeling for what couldvebeen with tess and he’s gonna plan hard for his and j’s future offspring instead. (can i also predict that i think one thing scott’s gonna have trouble with in his marriage--oddly enough--is keeping the marriage a partnership and not bulldozing over his spouse with his wants and needs ...wait, that’s not odd lol) 

--

anyway, gotta take joe out to pee. gotta get to bed soon because i wanna be on the trails by 7am and then maybe to the climbing gym. this face maybe a potato but my body can improve! (i’m thicc at the moment thanks to texas food 🤧) 

[diaryof2022]

06072022 // 2355

158/365

Day 001

I’m restarting this online diary thing. Been a long time since I’ve done this but I was reading through some old posts and I feel like this is a really good way to kind of keep track of things over time. I have too many thoughts in my head lol so these first few posts are probably going to make like. No sense. Whatever though. Anyways. On to the writing.

I haven’t done this in a few years, and so much has changed since then. Biggest thing would probably be that I’m no longer friends with the girl I used to be so close with. It’s..bittersweet, I guess? Idk. I cared about her more than I’ve cared for pretty much anybody else. I spent years giving her so much, just for her to replace me before our friendship even ended. Looking back, I know it was better for me in the long run. It was the most toxic relationship I’ve ever had with another person. The years of lies, manipulation, and use was disgusting. It would’ve destroyed me eventually, hell it was already starting to. But I still can’t help but look back and miss it. I can’t even figure out why I do. Part of me thinks it was just a severe dependency, but it doesn’t explain why I still care so much 3 years later (almost to the day, actually). It doesn’t explain why I still think of her so often. It’s like it won’t let up, no matter how fucking badly I want her out of my fucking mind. Maybe I just need a fucking lobotomy. Maybe that would get rid of it, of the memories, of her. God please lol. Just let it be out of my mind. I literally feel fucking crazy.

Moving on from that though. This past year has been…a lot. I moved 3 hours from my hometown. It’s not that far, and I’m glad I did..but I miss it so much. I miss my friends, and I miss the food and everything I know. The area I moved into is honestly boring as fuck. Maybe it’s just cuz I don’t have a very well working car right now, idk. But I can’t go anywhere or do anything really, so when I’m not at work, I’m stuck at home. I’m trying to make friends here though. I need to find people to do shit with so I’m not home alone all the time.

I know I haven’t written much but it’s pretty late, I work in a few hours and I really need to go to sleep. I’ll hopefully remember to write again tomorrow.

Goodnight ♡

[pansexual-potatoes]

Who is your hero?: I don’t have one.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be?: I’d become a woods witch, of sorts. I picture it as a cabin so deep in the woods you only find it if you’re lost. Me, my dog and Frank (if we’re theoretically still married) in a very cute cabin with a little mailbox that’s never used and a short walkway to nowhere in particular. I’d have foxglove and lupine up front, hosta and ferns in the shaded areas and a wooden fence around my garden. No driveway but I’d have a shed with a snowmobile, snowblower, and shovel for the winter and a four wheeler, and a tiny car for the summer. I’d have a fire pit for campfires, a hot tub and a pool. Attached to the back of the house would be a greenhouse with a dining area for warm weather. Despite my rural living, I’d get great cell service and excellent internet.

What is your biggest fear?: Losing the people I care about.

What is your favorite family vacation?: My family growing up didn’t do vacations but my husband and I do. I also do fun stuff with my best friend.

What would you change about yourself if you could?: My looks

What really makes you angry?: Disrespect

What motivates you to work hard?: I have bills to pay, and we need to eat.

What is your favorite thing about your career?: I enjoy the plants. I work in a commercial greenhouse and for most of the year the plants are really nice.

What is your biggest complaint about your job?: the pay and lack of needed benefits are big problems.

What is your proudest accomplishment? I’m still here.

What is your child's proudest accomplishment?: Bailey learned to lay down. So far he’s learned Sit, Shake and lay down. I think next we’ll teach him to stay.

What is your favorite book to read?: cookbooks, lol. I actually love reading but my eyes can’t do it much anymore.

What makes you laugh the most?: memes

What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? I don’t like movie theaters. I think the last movie I saw in one was the newest grinch movie and I thought it was a cute movie. I liked how they humanized him and brought his situation into scale.

What did you want to be when you were small? An oceanographer, then a marine biologist

What does your child want to be when he/she grows up? Bailey, I’m assuming, wants to be a smart, happy and curious doggo.

If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? Mentally healthy

What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play? I don’t watch sports.

Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car? Depends on what I’m doing. If I’m in hell being punished, then you’ll see me on a bike. Horses are nice for leisure. Car if I have errands to run or am busy.

What would you sing at Karaoke night?:

I’m not singing

What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most?

I don’t listen to the radio. I have Amazon music

Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house?

Any of those except the dishes.

If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work?

Yard work. I don’t trust people that much except a very few people so cleaning is out of the question. I love cooking so wouldn’t need help there usually either. Yard work is impersonal enough where I’d feel more comfortable with someone doing that.

If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Salad. Anything can be a salad if you try hard and believe in yourself

Who is your favorite author?

Anne Rice

Have you ever had a nickname? What is it?:

Not any that weren’t degrading

Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not?

Generally not a fan. I have anxiety and I don’t like being the center of attention.

In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read?

Any except visiting relatives.

Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why?

Hawaii. The warmth and hiking would be incredible, the beaches pretty and the cold makes my body hurt.

Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why?

Hm. Win the lottery. It would allow me to help not just myself but others too.

Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island?

No one. If I’m stranded, I’m not going to make it. I don’t want someone else to go through that. I’ll just suffer alone, thanks.

If money was no object, what would you do all day?

Help people who are struggling.

If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to?

2014.

How would your friends describe you?

According to them, I’m nice but straightforward.

What are your hobbies?

I like cooking, hiking, makeup, and relaxing

What is the best gift you have been given?

Companionship in all it’s forms.

What is the worst gift you have received?

Domino’s and a pack of socks to share with my brother (we had to share both). This was from my moms second husbands mom and we had to sit and watch our then step sister open a pile of gifts. We were kids, and my mom and her second husband had been married for a few years at that point so there was zero reason for us to be treated like that.

Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without?

Hope

List two pet peeves.

-Disrespect

-Laziness

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Hopefully further along with my mental health

How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3- 1 for home, 2 for work

If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have?

I’d want to be able to financially help people

What would you do if you won the lottery?

First, before I tell ANYONE, my house is getting paid off. Ditto for all our bills. Once all that’s done, then I’ll let Frank know. From there on we decide what we want to do together

What form of public transportation do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.)

Train isn’t bad, neither is bus.

What's your favorite zoo animal?

Hippos.🥰

If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be?

If Frank and I could go back with the knowledge we have now we wouldn’t get licensed for foster care.

If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be?

My husband, my best friend, Nina, and Gerard Way

How many pillows do you sleep with?

2 when I’m awake, 1 once I fall asleep

What's the longest you've gone without sleep (and why)? Like 3 days. I was having a mental breakdown and ended up in the hospital.

What's the tallest building you've been to the top in?

No idea.

Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?

Depends on the ratio between what you lose versus what you gain.

How often do you buy clothes?

As needed.

Have you ever had a secret admirer?

Of course not

What's your favorite holiday?

Definitely Christmas

What's the most daring thing you've ever done?

I fought continuously for ownership of myself in a house where I was viewed as less important than furniture because I was female. I dressed as a boy, quit bathing and became as repulsive as I could so I wouldn’t be attractive to the men or women in my moms lifestyle.

What was the last thing you recorded on TV?

I don’t

What was the last book you read?

Working on a new one.

What's your favorite type of foreign food?

Love Asian foods I’ve tried

Are you a clean or messy person?

Messy, I guess.

Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life?

No one. I wouldn’t want people to see what I went through.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

About a half hour

What kitchen appliance do you use every day?

The Keurig

What's your favorite fast food chain?

I don’t like most of them, tbh. Maybe Subway?

What's your favorite family recipe?

My moms bread recipe

Do you love or hate rollercoasters?

As long as they’re not super tall I don’t mind them

What's your favorite family tradition?

The Christmas Poinsettia

What is your favorite childhood memory?

Probably meeting my best friend.

What's your favorite movie?

The nightmare before Christmas

How old were you when you learned Santa wasn't real? How did you find out?

I don’t remember.

Is your glass half full or half empty?

I’m just glad it has something to drink

What's the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of love?

I got married.

What three items would you take with you on a deserted island?

Food, water, and a boat to get me home.

What was your favorite subject in school?

Band.

What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten?

Pets

Do you collect anything?

Dishes.

Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion?

Comfortable clothes. I’m going to wear them regardless but it would be nice to have a bigger selection to choose from

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Absolutely an introvert.

Which of the five senses would you say is your strongest?

Touch

Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was an actual surprise)

No and I’m fine with that.

Are you related or distantly related to anyone famous?

Not that I’m aware of.

What do you do to keep fit?

Lol.

Does your family have a “motto” – spoken or unspoken?

Nope.

If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce?

Baseline living guarantees

Who was your favorite teacher in school and why?

I didn’t really have a teacher I was close to.

What three things do you think of the most each day?

My family, my job, and my obligations

If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

Warning: Avoid asking questions you don’t want an honest answer for. All attempts at niceness will be tried but there is no guarantee of satisfaction.

What song would you say best sums you up?

I have no idea. There are many who describe parts of me but not one I can think of that describes me as a whole.

What celebrity would you like to meet at Starbucks for a cup of coffee?

Weird Al. He seems like a pretty chill guy who wouldn’t mind chatting with an average person.

What's the most interesting thing you can see out of your office or kitchen window?

My lilacs.

On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are?

Like a 2

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Hopefully much further along with my mental health

What was your first job?

Picking pine cones out of this ladies yard.

If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join?

None.

How many languages do you speak?

English and a lot of American Sign Language

Who is the most intelligent person you know?

My husband

If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be?

Probably a bear. I’m not super social, enjoy sleeping through the winter as much as possible, am selective in my social obligations,enjoy fish and berries, avoid people if possible

What is one thing you will never do again?

Drive a semi.

[showingthroughtome]

7: june 23rd

Instead of taking it as a joke, Jess replies with genuine, flirty inquiry, “Really? You could stop Carly?”

Harry raises his shoulders, and humbly gestures, “Maybe.”

“Alright.” She agrees, crossing her arms and challenges him. The ball is in his court so now it isn’t up to her  which direction things go - if only for this one situation.

read below - mibba - story page - word count: 1482

Neither Harry nor Jess end up going through with their little sabotaging plans. On a very basic level, it turns out that they don’t really dislike camping, or the woods. They’ve always loved being outdoors, getting into little adventures in the park where they can feed the ducks, going down one of the trails that lead them into a forested area, only to have them both running back to their moms to get checked for ticks an hour later. The only differences between that and camping are that they're there much longer and they have to check for their own ticks. Which, they don't mind enough to want to go home - definitely not more than they liked being with their friends, recklessly drinking alcohol they had to get their older siblings to buy.  

By the third and final night, Jessica has mastered the art of finding the perfect wood to make a lasting camp fire. It may be too early to determine, but she feels like an expert in the area, bragging about it as she walks back to the campsite with Ben and Carly flanking her sides.

She's swinging a hefty stick around, boasting, “I mean, look at this. This will burn all night if we let it.”

“It’ll be ash in an hour and a half.” Ben holds up his hands, shielding himself from the stick.

“I give it an hour.” Carly, equally unamused, catches it and pulls it from Jessica’s hands.

Ben leans forward to look around her to Carly. “Are we making this a bet?”

“Guys! You’re not very encouraging of my skills!” Jess reaches to retrieve her find, coming up unsuccessful mostly because she is short, but also because Carly is extremely tall.

“Hey, you gotta leave her alone. It’s not her fault she only can reach five feet off the ground.” Harry shouts from beside their fire.

Jessica had been so preoccupied by her stick that she hadn’t even realized they were approaching the rest of their friends - what was she? A dog?

She looks between Harry and Carly who are now having a small stare down - Carly’s hand is still in the air and another one is keeping Jess away from her goal. Harry’s expression is one of playful business while Carly’s face reads pure joy. Harry lifts a finger, pointing sternly.

“Ugh, fine.” Carly lowers her arm and hands over the sturdy piece of wood. “It’s kind of sad to literally hold things over your head.”

Jess nods, sarcastically agreeing. “Yeah, I get it. Kind of like how it is to see you try to find something that is actually flammable.”

As soon as the words are out of her mouth, she takes off into a jog to hide behind a snickering Niall and Harry. Niall holds up one of the skewers him and Harry had been putting hotdogs on and aims it in the direction Jessica had come from. When looking back, she finds out that Carly hasn’t even taken a step towards her yet.

“Chill. I’m not gonna attack you.” Carly claims, hands on hip, playing innocent though everyone knows that's never been true.

Ben comes to her side, throws an arm around her neck and grimaces, “Babe, you do know pranks in the night are the same as attacks?”

“Yeah! Pranks at night especially count as attacks.” Jessica peers around Harry's shoulder, emphasizing her point. If Carly is going to retaliate, she would much rather it happen when one of her senses isn’t fucked any further than it usually is. Jess squeezes Harry’s upper arm so he’ll make his stance on her side known.

“Especially.” He nods, and then points his skewer more directly with the most unalarming frown ever.

“Thanks.” Jess huffs.

Carly drops her few pieces of firewood on the pile and throws up her hands in defeat. “Seriously guys. I can take a joke now without getting angry. You’ll see.”

She swings her arm around Ben’s waist and then the two take a seat on a sleeping bag laid out over the dirt.

“Ben, watch your girl.” Jessica pleads, winking at Carly when they make eye contact and becomingly slightly alarmed when Carly doesn’t return one, seeming actually, a little bit pissed indeed.

Jessica shudders at the thought. She places her firewood right in the flame that’s still lightly burning from the one they started for lunch. Soon enough, it’ll be big enough to roast their dinner.

“Do you think I should worry about that?” She asks the boys even though she knows Carly wont do anything that will actually harm her, perhaps something like a demonic symbol drawn on her forehead in permanent ink or sticking her hand in a cup of warm water so she’ll pee her pants like an anxious eight year old.

“I would be.” Niall shakes his head in grief, remembering, “Last time I joked on Carly, she told every girl that I brought into the apartment that I was a crier.”

“No.” Harry slaps his forehead with pity for his friend, shaking his curls and laughing. “That is undesirable.”

“Dude.” Jessica deflates for the guy, only imagining how awkward the follow up conversation could be to that. No offense, but who wants to hear how emotional someone is at first contact with a friend?

“Ehh, that’s okay.” Niall pats the hand Harry had placed on his shoulder comfortingly. “I did get her back. Apparently she doesn’t like honey more than shaving cream. Weird.” Niall smirks, leaving his friends to think about that as he backs away to do something else.

Harry and Jessica grin at the possibilities then face each other, shaking their heads in regret for the roommates who just signed a lease for another whole year.

“They’ll kill each other.” Jessica jokes in delight at her friend's expense.

“They think they’re actually on a prank show.” Harry agrees with a nod. He swats a bug that flies for his face and then returns more seriously, obviously worried for his best friend, “But, seriously, stay alert. I think she spotted a bee hive earlier.”

“Oh my god, Harry. Shut up.” She pushes him with all her might, heart beating faster at the teasing. With all of her friends making jokes about it, the only thing that keeps her from panicking is the thought - she can take a joke now. Carly isn’t fifteen anymore. She can take one little joke now.

“I guess I could sleep in your tent with you to make sure nothing bad happens.” He offers with a smile, eyes on her red vinyl tent set up right next to his yellow one. Even though it wasn’t planned, every one of them brought their own two person tent, figuring they’d share with someone who forgot their own. Since it was their first camping trip, they all chalked it up to a rookie mistake and enjoyed the breathing room as they slept through those warm summer nights.

It would be a lie to say that she didn’t think about maybe sleeping in the same tent with Harry and what that would do. Would it make things awkward? Would it speed things up? Would it leave them in this limbo?

Instead of taking it as a joke, Jess replies with genuine, flirty inquiry, “Really? You could stop Carly?”

Harry raises his shoulders, and humbly gestures, “Maybe.”

“Alright.” She agrees, crossing her arms and challenges him. The ball is in his court so now it isn’t up to her  which direction things go - if only for this one situation.

“Cause I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout forever. Oooh.” Nat, coming out of the woods to the right of them, sings, dancing with grooving shoulders as she croons, “Or do you not think so far ahead?”

She stops right next to them, interrupting their not so innocent, flirty banter entirely.

“That is the ultimate shower song… or I guess, slightly-gross-lake-water-hair-washing song.” She exhales and thinks, “Definitely the more accurate title.”

Then she looks between them and cracks a smile, breaking character of Obnoxious Camping Nat.

“Nat, I love you with my entire soul.” Jess claims in her most serious tone, covering her heart and throwing her arm around her fellow short person. With all her attention on Nat, together they walk to a sleeping bag and prepare a hotdog. Once Nat is sat down, she sees that the fire was left to dwindle under the care of her friends so she gets right back up and complains the whole time she stokes the fire.

For the rest of the night, over red cups and shot glasses, Jess catches Harry’s eyes more than a few times. And at the end of the night, she zips her tent up with tipsy fingers, comfortable to be alone because Carly had complained about being tired for a while before she crashed hard hours ago.

authors note:

hiii! im personally not that happy with this chapter. i feel like its not the strongest one ive ever written. imma let you guys who actually read my notes in on a secret: i write a lot of this story while high. i mean, thats when the story came to me so why not? lol a lot of the time that works out for me but idk about this one. this just seems a little choppy. choppy stoned lauren came out and idk how to fix it (or maybe i am just accepting it for what it is lolol??) hopefully you can stay with me for the next one. because man oh man, we are building up to something!

please please please let me know what you think!!!!!!!!

thank you so so so much to @what-comes-from-within for betaing this for me as she does everything i put out these days, she is the bees knees <3

thank you so much for reading!

- lauren

[saranel]

Tagging @mags-duranb, who asked (thank you for the interest btw, it was super sweet. Also, I love your art <3333) :)  I was gonna make a post anyway, but I wanted it to be a timeline photoset hence why I’m not replying directly.

I thought it was about time I gave you guys a nice long update on the purrito, since we have now officially reached 2 months of age as of yesterday!

To answer the requester’s question, SHE is doing just fine xD  That’s right, when we visited the vet about a week ago for the second round of shots, we got visible proof (or rather lack thereof) that we have a little girl in our hands.  This was only a couple of days before I made an insta post announcing the official name, because of course it was. Way to embarass me, kiddo.

So I’d like to introduce you all to Buffy, because hello, so dang pretty, look at that last pic that was taken only yesterday, and she’s also pretty fearless and resourceful, though not necessarily highly intelligent xD  Not a vampire slayer, but an ankle slayer for sure.  I generally post updates on her every couple of days on instagram.

Oh, and, just as a final note on the whole name thing, yes, we still call her purrito from time to time, as well as a thousand other nicknames ;) 

So! On to the update (and an extra... suprise?¿¿??) below the cut:

Buffy’s issues with food have gotten a lot better.  She used to be vicious about meals, meowing and pleading hours before her feeding time.  At first we thought we were perhaps feeding her too little, so we followed the general advice everyone gives re: how much to feed kittens, which is to say we just let her eat her fill.  She did not stop until her belly was so distended I had to physically drag her bowl away.  So we decided to slowly increase her intake whenever we saw she started to get skinny.  Which, given her Longcat status, was so. damn. OFTEN.  Seriously, if she looks malnourished in some pics, I assure you she’s not.  She just grows and grows like a damn weed.

Lately, however, since her weight has reached a healthy plateau, she’s gotten much better about food.  No screaming, no scratching, and she doesn’t really complain before feeding time anymore.  She still follows us whenever we dare visit the kitchen, but hey, it could be worse xD

Something I’ve never mentioned here is that when we first found her, her whiskers were very short and stubby, which we originally attributed to her being very young.  But eventually, we noticed that not only were her brow whiskers much longer, there was a lone whisker next to the stubby ones that was regular-sized, and the shorter ones looked almost... manually cut, if that wakes sense.  A bit of research led us to find out that sometimes, littermates may do this to a runt (bite them off) when they’re competing for mom’s milk, which... not only makes my heart ache for our little buddy, it starts to put her whole attitude toward food into perspective.

Long story short, we were prepared for the possibility that she may forever have issues with food, but she’s been improving constantly.

Other than the food issue, Buffy has grown into a happy, healthy kitty :) She’s up to date on her shots, and we took her to the vet only last week where we got nothing but good news.  

She’s very attached to us, especially me since I work from home and basically see her all day, and though she doesn’t complain and yowl when she’s left alone, she is super cuddly when we return home.  

Given her age, she’s incredibly playful to the point that we get more exhausted playing with her than she does xD She likes climbing all over the place and exploring everything within reach, always looking for new ‘lairs’ and stuffing her butt into every nook and cranny, she loves to chew on cables (which has led us to do some highly creative concealing) and often engages in what we call ‘Crab Dancing’ when she gets excited/territorial during playtime:

( I *****MAY***** have edited this.  Slightly.  For my own amusement.  It’s kinda soporific if you stare at it for too long)

We were glad to see she takes to new (human) acquaintances very well, and she hasn’t (yet) started wreaking havoc in our apartment.  She, has, however,  gotten very bitey during playtime, and it’s ALWAYS playtime, so we’re trying to encourage her to bite on toys instead of our fingers: it’s a sloooooooooow process.  There’s also the possibility that she’s teething a bit early so she’s just constantly looking for relief.  We’ve bought her a few special chew toys that should arrive shortly, and hopefully they’ll help.  Even if it’s still early for her, hey, new toys, amirite? xD

Still, she never lashes out to us in anger/anxiety, not even when we gave her a bath where she was visibly distressed (yes, I know it’s not necessary for cats, but we’d never cleaned her with anything but pet wipes since we rescued her; she needed at least one) and yet she never tried to scratch or bite us.  TL;DR she’s mischievous, but not aggressive outside of playtime.

She’s super long for her age and will most likely be a pretty long kitty when she reaches maturity.  Seriously, y’all, Longcat 2.0:

( USB stick for size comparison, lol )

I’m still bummed my theory that she was part Van doesn’t seem to be true (in my defense, she has something very similar to the characteristic Van spot on her nape!), but hey, less shedding xD She also has a permanent bald spot on her spine now (as we knew she would), where the vet had given her that shot that saved her life back when she got sick.

She’s a sweet little doofus, who thinks she’s really a parrot and likes to perch on our shoulder, and meows the whole time I’m in the kitchen because how dare someone in this household eat when she’s not eating too, and when I ignore her grey-green supplicating eyes she just curls up over my foot while I wash the dishes, and she constantly gets tangled up in our legs and waits for us behind closed doors, and she’s a friggin’ Duracell battery who does.not.tire, and she  tosses half the litter out when she digs, and she loves to take naps with us cuddled right over our chests so our heartbeat can lull her to sleep, and we love her.

Here’s to the next two months :)

Size comparison below, using my hand in both pics.  Then and now :)

Addendum:

Edit: You can keep on reading, but the story has a sad ending, unfortunately :(  

The above was the post I had prepared and was going to post yesterday on Buffy’s 2 month ‘birthday,’ so I’ve left it intact.  However, I would be remiss if I didn’t add this latest development:

For a while now, we’ve been discussing how to deal with Buffy’s inexhaustible energy levels, because we do have other responsibilities, all of whom also require a good night’s sleep, which as you may imagine, has been a bit rare lately.  There’s this saying that the only one who can keep up with a kitten is another kitten, but we were very reluctant to adopt another one, since we’re currently dealing with an imminent move and we weren’t sure if we could even afford it.

Well...................

I found and rescued Buffy.  My partner found and rescued this little guy yesterday:

Five things here:

1) NO THIS WAS NOT PLANNED THIS IS SO BEYOND UNPLANNED I’M WFSJKLSDFJSKDHFSDKJ

2) MY PARTNER DIDN’T EVEN FIND HIM IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD HE WAS VISITING HIS MOM ASJKFDHLSADGHFDDFAS

3) WE SERIOUSLY DON’T KNOW IF WE’RE KEEPING HIM.  SERIOUSLY.L

4) YEAH I KNOW YOU CAN’T REALLY SEE MUCH LMAO EVEN HIS WHISKERS ARE BLACK JFC BUT I DIDN’T WANNA SCARE HIM SO I DIDN’T USE FLASH

5) 31 FUCKIN YEARS WITH NO KITTENS AND NOW TWQO, TWO KITTENS WTFFFFFFFF ITS RAINING KITTENS PRAISE BE TO BASTET i guess?? wtffffffffff

*breathes into a paper bag*

I’m going to be even more reluctant to make any grand claims than I was when we found Buffy, because this little dude (this one is a dude, indeed) is in pretty bad shape.  Though she’d been abandoned, Buffy was very clean and hale when we found her, even if she was a bit small and underfed.  

This one though... poor little soot sprite is all skin and bones, he was flea-ridden until we took him to the vet, he’s filthy, he’s terrified and has a bum leg from some sort of accident.  We didn’t even have a plan yesterday when my partner found him, but we figured since we had a lot of leftover milk powder and kitten pate from Buffy, we might as well feed up this little orphan. 

It took some coaxing with a syringe, but he got a bit of milk down which got his appetite going and we were able to feed him some pate.  He actually ate a fair bit, which is encouraging.  We know for a fact he was abandoned by his mom, btw, she’s still roaming around the neighborhood but refusing to tend to him since he’s already older than 4 weeks (maybe 1,5 month old max).  Just two weeks younger than Buffy.  After he got some food down, we took him to our vet, who was reserved but cautiously optimistic even for the leg.  He made us no promises, of course, and he advised we prepare ourselves for the possibility that he might not make it.

We’ve now had him for just under a day and he’s been improving.  He was very scared at first, hissy when I went near him, and the first time I fed him at home, the new environment had stressed him out to the point that I had to use a syringe again to get him to eat.  And yeah, we’ve had to keep him isolated ofc to protect Buffy (and him, omg, she’s literally twice his size in weight, no exaggeration, and most likely a social dunce with other kittes, she would destroy him).  I’ll be able to give him a bath tomorrow afternoon after the 48hr clock on the flea medicine runs out, which is yet another reason we had to isolate him.  Today, he’s been getting less and less reserved around me and he hasn’t needed to be force fed once, he’s been downing pate like no-one’s business.  I weighed him earlier and found he’d gained about 40-50 grams, a number I offer cautiously as both weighings at the vet and today aren’t entirely accurate, because squirmy kitty.  Still, he’s gained weight, even if only a little.   

Buffy can tell something’s up, since we basically had to move her litterbox and feeding area and haven’t let her in that room since.  It’s been... an adjustment xD But she bounces back admirably fast, she didn’t even bat an eyelash at the change; she’s just curious to discover what we’re hiding from her, obviously.  She’s probably heard him meowing, too.

We honestly have no clue what we’ll do with him.  Taking it one day at a time.  He might not make it at all, and even if he does, he may never get along with Buffy, in which case we’ll have to give him away for both their sakes.  I’m not gonna lie, money is a concern.  Research tells me at their age and beyond the cost isn’t prohibiting, not even double that of a single cat.  So if he doesn’t require any costly meds, we can afford him, especially since Buffy can now eat dry food (and so will he in a couple of weeks).  This, again, is all hinging on a) him not having any serious, contagious illnesses, and b) him and Buffy getting along.  In the long run, we know it would be way better for Buffy to have a companion to play and cuddle with, but we have to be realistic and prepare for the worst for now.

Soot sprite is a little cutie, he has the softest, most plaintive meow and there’s even hope for his little leg down the road (though honestly, that’s the last thing that concerns us; even in his current state, he’s perfectly mobile).  His eyes, too, should get better with time if he grows healthier. 

SO WE’LL SEE.  RN I am beyond stressed and reserved, but also kinda hopeful. *sigh*